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[intrusive-thoughts-only]

Me: *sobbing over concern for a family friend having severe post-partum*

Him: *dead-eyed stare* "You need to stop and calm down. It's literally fine."

Me: *subsequently retires to sob myself to sleep under my weighted blanket*

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Accepting that I will never feel comfort and safety in any moment of crisis is the hardest obstacle I face.

[intrusive-thoughts-only]

Savor the Memory Loss

[Original Drawing; Marker - 10:02; July 7, 2025]

[Светлана Николаевна Широкова]

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Now Flavored with White Savior Complex

[Original Drawing, 9:42 PM, July 5, 2025]

[Светлана Николаевна Широкова]

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Set Fire to the Past

[Original Drawing - 7PM, June 29, 2025]

[Светлана Николаевна Широкова]

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My sincere denial has shattered into despair over reality…

The compounding deeds seep futher into amorality.

My body feels trapped under the animosity.

I always understood my life circumstances had misleading causality.

The byproduct of these circumstances producing my comorbidity.

My internalized brainwashing bring me to seeing only deniability.

With the comprehension of the ultimate depravity…

[intrusive-thoughts-only]

No one told me, why didn't they tell me? Was I kept in the dark to ensure I would attend the wedding still?

I was bombarded with such a monumental, nauseatingly love-filled speech from the person I hate most. It took every ounce of my being to control the sobs underneath the rage.

While surrounded by so-called family, I dissociated and watched from afar as the white savior complex came back into play.

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I continue to persuade myself into denial against the truth. My repulsion towards the trauma drives my instinct to repress it.

My rage leaves me gasping for air surrounded by a sea of fire and brimstone.

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I don’t understand how you can be so detached from me at a time when I am clearly so vulnerable and in pain.

I was so physically ill from hearing all of it - the hypocritical lies seething out in that charming southern draw.

Happy Father’s Day to my sexual abuser.

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“Love for a father that is not justified by the father is a preposterous, an impossible thing.”

Book XII A Judicial Error - 13 An Adulterer of Thought

Братья Карамазовы - Фёдор Михайлович Достоевский

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*actively avoiding my thoughts with as many distractions and lengthy dissociation sessions as possible*

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My ocean of emotion is tempestuous, my tides are increasingly devious.

Each passing wave grows evermore treacherous, the water crashing only making me more anxious.

While the current beneath calls to my subconscious, I am beckoned towards an end most disastrous.

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Intrusive Thought #3892-B

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My mind has been arsoned, with no way to stop the violent flames.

My heart has been set ablaze, with no means to press charges.

My soul has been turned to ash, with no way to stop the terror of my returning memories.

[intrusive-thoughts-only]

Intrusive Thought #3892

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The fear of ridicule keeps me in a stagnant state.

The secrets exact a toll to an extent I can’t yet estimate.

The fear of not being believed advances the need to isolate.

The sheer gravity only continues to complicate.

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The actions, purely malicious.

The words, truly venomous.

The guise of religious sincerity, only to extricate the pious.

The permanent demeanor, perpetually anxious.

The outcome, my soul left rancorous.