r-worlds-blog

[r-worlds-blog]

when you get this you have to answer with 5 things u like about yourself, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) ♡

Mhm I had to think about this one, I like my hair, my laugh, my sense of humour, my music taste and my elbows they never disappointed me

[r-worlds-blog]

people who just use acespec as their identity instead of something "more specific" or just "asexual" are cool

people who just use arospec as their identity instead of something "more specific" or just "aromantic" are also cool

people who use acespec and a more specific identity are cool

people who use arospec and a more specific identity are also cool

acespecs and arospecs are cool

[r-worlds-blog]

Aroace culture is taking a gay test when you see the opposite gender is not doing it for you, then realizing same gender is also not doing it for you, so you settle for bi or pan.

Because.

If it isn't one or another, it's probably both or all of the genders.

Just-

the logistics

aroace culture

[r-worlds-blog]

I was just scared of you

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, DEPRESSION

Have you ever been through something so horrible in your childhood that forgetting it is the only way for you to be okay? Those memory losses usually happen when we are children because our brains simply cannot handle them. In my experience, I would like to say thank you and fuck you to my brain. Thank you because it has helped me live relatively normal, minus the other traumas that I’ll talk about some other time, childhood. Fuck you because it made me have so many panic attacks that I did not understand or the huge panic attack I got when I suddenly remembered everything. Overall I am thankful though because my brain made me develop defense mechanisms I did not even realize I had.

Well let’s get started, shall we? It all started a couple of months ago, well years but I had forgotten and remembered it a couple of months ago, I received a text on messenger coming from this guy Glenn ( I don’t give a fuck about him so this is his actual name), I knew him when we were young and the only thing I remembered is that I was very uncomfortable around him and I didn’t like him. I did not know why I felt that way but I decided to ignore it because I thought it was probably trivial and if I didn’t remember it probably was not important. My mom tells me that all the time so I guess it stuck. Anyways, he texts me and he’s like: “Do you still like me?”. In my head, I’m like what is he talking about? So I just say no and move on with my life.

About a month or so later, I was minding my business in my room watching feminist TikToks while eating nuggets. In most of those compilations of said TikToks, there were many about sexual assault, rape, and basically a bunch of survivors sharing their experiences and how they’ve moved on with their lives. At that moment I felt a little pang in my chest but to me, it was just because I felt sorry for those women and hate for the men who put them through something so horrible. I started thinking, and said to myself “ Damn I wonder if I would be able to move if something even remotely similar ever happen to me”. That’s where I fucked up. I thought. About a few minutes later, I pick up my towel and head to the bathroom to shower, still thinking about what I had just watched. While I was showering, it hit me, hard. I was reliving everything, I felt as though I was there like I had never left. Everything I was feeling when those things happened was resurfacing so fast it was overwhelming. I started seeing those things in my head like it was a movie. My life quite literally flashed before my eyes. I just crumbled and cried because what else could I do? I had no idea.

It all started when I was five, ended when I was eight. I don’t quite remember how old he was but he was older than me, not by a lot but he was bigger, stronger, taller while I was smaller, weaker, and shorter. I remember my mom would drop me off at his house, he lived with his mom, dad, older brother, and his two sisters. We would hang out and chill together play games. When one day he wanted to play mom and dad. At first, I was like yeah okay I guess I’ll be the mom. Everything was fine until he tried to kiss me. Reminder I was five at the time. I did not want him to kiss him at all, but he kept asking and asking and asking, never stopping. I stood my ground and told him I was not interested in kissing and we should continue to play like before. Needless to say, he did not like that at all. So he grabbed me, carried me to his room, and basically forced himself on me. I was terrified but that moment was when I realized I cannot say no to him, because if I do. It’ll hurt, a lot. So every time my mom would drop me off at his house, every time he would come to my house, every time we saw each other at church, at every birthday party we were ever both invited to, the same thing he would force himself on me without any remorse. Always without fail. I tried to get out of it by telling him I did not want to do this anymore but he threatened to tell not only my mom but all of his friends, and my friends. That day was when it got even worse than before. He knew he had something over me and he was not going to let it go no matter what. He started making requests and pushing my bo9undaries even more, every time I tried to refuse, he would make a threat. If he was mad at somebody, I couldn’t talk to them, it didn’t matter if they were my friend or not, If he didn’t like them I couldn’t either. I lost so many friends because of him. I felt so dirty and used that I wanted to die, I wanted to disappear, I wanted him to disappear. You have no idea how many times I considered pushing him in the lake that was close to our church because I just wanted him gone. I wanted to be able to breathe again. I hated leaving my house because I would probably see him. Every time my mom dropped me off at his house I wanted to scream and beg her to take me with her and not leave me with him.

There was another in the church that liked me and Glen did not care for it. So he asked his brother to marry us so I would his, and his alone. At that point, his brother knew what was going on because he had seen what he had done to me many times, but did not care. In fact, he was jealous and he tried to do the same to me but Glen protected me? Like at that time I thought it was so nice of him to do that but now I realize it’s not any better at all. Anyways his brother “married” us in his room and kissed me against my will once again, then he left to get some water and his brother decided to force a kiss on me and then told me to shut up. My life at six years old was a complete shitshow.

On my seventh birthday, I got a diary from someone I think maybe a church member. I wrote one sentence in that diary, “ I did gross stuff with Glen”. That little sentence was so liberating because frankly, it had the first and only time I had expressed any of it. I felt joy. That joy did not last though because then I was back at his house and he was back at mine. Couple of days later, the pastor came to my mom’s house and he was asking me what I had gotten for my birthday. I got excited and gave him my diary forgetting what I had written inside. When he was about to open it, I tried to get it back but I couldn’t. He read it. Just like that, my secret was out in the open. My mom was furious and she called Glen’s mom. We went to his house and we were confronted about the whole thing and he blamed me. He said I came onto him and I was forcing him, that all of this was my fault and my idea. They believed him. Just like that. No one even tried to hear me out. No one tried to hear my sde of the story. All he said was that it was my fault and boom there it was. When my mom and I got home. I got beat. I got beat hard. For hours. The next day, I had bruises all over my body, I could barely walk and my mom was not talking to me, not looking at me and somehow the whole church found out. My friends looked at me in disgust, the parents were telling their children to stay away from me. I wanted to jump in that lake. I wanted to just be gone. I had no one, not even my mom.

After that whole thing I just shut down, he tried to force himself on me again but I wasn’t the same person anymore, and I was defending myself and I never let myself be alone with him. I distanced myself, I hated myself, I felt dirty and then I forgot.

As I am writing right now, I have a few tears but damn am I proud. I lived through that at such a young age. I’m proud of myself. I never like him ever, I was just scared. I am a lot stronger now and I love that for me.

Stay safe and sane,

Robin.

[r-worlds-blog]

Am I on the ace spectrum?

So we’re back again with the sexuality confusion. I’m lowkey tired of finding things about myself, but then again it’s better than finding out about those things in my 30s or never finding them at and thinking I’m broken.

Every time I face some uncertainties about my sexuality or gender identity I always do some research and take some notes about things I relate with and organize my thoughts in ways I understand. If you guys knew the number of sticky notes that are everywhere on my wall, on the floor, in my trash can. I throw them all away in case my parents decided to go into my room for god knows why and find it.

When I looked at the definition of asexual on google it said “Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered a sexual orientation or the lack thereof”. When you read this you may think ‘ oh this is so straight forward hahahahaha I am not asexual lol” but then I decided to go on youtube and have some actual asexual talk about asexuality and what it means to them and many other people. When I did that I was flabbergasted because it was an “oh fuck” moment. I was, and still am, confused about whether or not I am on the asexual spectrum or not.

I started questioning if I was on the ace spectrum when I found out about aromanticism and discovered I am indeed aromantic. I decided to not think about it because honestly, I am so tired of identity crises every three to five business days. I found out that I am on the spectrum but it is such a wide spectrum, that I don’t know where because there are so many labels that fall under the umbrella.

But then again, sometimes I think what if I am just not ready for sex and that’s the reason why I think I might be ace, but also I was never really interested in sex, sure I read plenty of fanfictions and sometimes the books I read have sex stuff in stuff but I never imagined myself having sex with an actual person. Even when I was dating my ex-girlfriend.

To try and learn even more about this I decided to read Loveless by Alice Oseman. She is an aroace author who wrote about someone finding out they are aroace. While reading that book I realized that there are so many things I relate to. The main character, Georgia, had talked about she also has read many fanfics a lot of things with sex in it and figured that one day eventually it will happen. But what truly hit me in that book was when Georgia was asked if when she jerks off she imagines someone with her and I said ‘ no that’s gross who does that’ and then Georgia also says no and we both discover that most people do think of themselves with people when they jerk off or whatever.

There’s the problem that I like kisses like I love them, I love being held by my friends, I can be very cuddly sometimes but also extremely disgusted by people that try to get close to me. At first, I thought I could not be ace because I like making out with the partners I’ve had, and cuddles mostly with my best friend (actually only with my best friend) and to me, those things are sexual, and google said “ Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.” so that throws me off completely because at the time I had no real idea what asexuality was and how wide of a spectrum it is.

When I was dating my ex-girlfriend I really liked kissing her but I was never comfortable with going further. I was fine with giving her what she wanted but I could never bring myself to let her go down on me because It’s not that I didn’t feel ready or scared, I simply did not want to do that and It’s kind of gross to me. But as I said before I’m denial’s bitch.

During my research, I found out that thinking someone is conventionally attractive or pleasing to your eyes is not sexual attraction. Like, EXCUSE ME??????? All of my so-called crushes were just me thinking wow that girl has good genes. Am I even a lesbian then? I learned about all of the different types of attraction and found out that the way I find people attractive is the same I find my books attractive. And no, I don’t want to have sex with my books.

It’s kind of difficult for me to admit those things because my whole life I have been raised in a way that told me that I will fall in love, have sex, have kids and my life will be great because I’ll be married and that is when I’ll know that I have made it in life. That my life will have worth. That I won’t die alone and sad and bitter with 67 cats. The way my parents, the media had shown me what made my life worth it, has made it so difficult for me to break out of those chains because in a way, even though I hate to admit it, I am a people pleaser and I care what people think of me. I’m scared of how people will react and sometimes I avoid saying I’m aromantic or I’m non-binary. It’s not because I’m ashamed of who I am but I’m scared of how people would react to me admitting those things. I spend my life leaving in the shadow because the truth is I’m the biggest coward out there.

I know this doesn’t necessarily mean anything but I keep thinking that I like kissing so I can’t be completely ace but I am somewhere there. I just need to figure out where that is. I hate labels but I like being a part of something. Gosh, Robin, you’re a mess huh.

I’m still confused, I don’t want to put a label on it but that label will tell me a part of who I am. I know that nothing necessarily has to change but I can’t help but think someone will find out and they will tell my parents and my life will be an even bigger shitshow… I know they won’t love me (well that’s debatable because they probably already hate me but they’ll have more reasons ) anymore. I don’t think I can live with that disappointed look on their face for the rest of my life. I know that if they don’t accept me they will be the ones losing but as much as I want to believe I can’t stop craving their approval.

Stay safe and sane,

Robin.

[r-worlds-blog]

So, aromantic people don't feel love?

Absolutely not! aromanticism is a wide spectrum. There are people who feel romantic attraction sometimes or just not that much. I simply don't love people in a romantic way but it does not mean that I don't love the people around me. I love my friends and my family (some of them). So aromantic people CAN feel love just a different kind of love

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Aromantics VS Society

Society is a real bitch you know. In our lives, we are taught that we are supposed to find the one and live our lives happily ever for the rest of our lives. Every cartoon, movie, video games, even, we played as kids always have some sort of romance. That romance is treated as such an important thing in our lives that so many of us like me, believe that eventually, we will find someone to be in love with and have the awesome high school musical romance. That maybe one day we’ll find the Troys to our Isabellas.

A couple of months ago, I came to terms with myself being aromantic. I have to admit that none of it had ever occurred to me. I always thought that I could not do the long relationship thing but I kept telling myself that it was just because I could not commit to someone or anything really for a long time, but I thought that I will eventually find someone and have my perfect happy ending with my wife that I will love for the rest of my life. After I started considering the option of me being aromantic I realized that I had some serious internalized aphobia. I kept thinking that people will eventually find someone and if you don’t then that’s sad and you will just end up old, sad, bitter, and alone. I would always support asexual and aromantic people no matter what but deep down it just made no sense to me. So when I found out I was like “ no way, not me”. But it is me and that’s okay.

During my reflecting moments with Lea ( my best friend) and in the shower, I started to backtrack my childhood to see if there were any signs that I did not know were signs. I have done this for all of my identity crises like when I found out about me being non-binary and me liking girls. Anyways, I realized that when I was a kid, I never really had crushes on anyone. I remember having a “crush” on this guy let’s call Marco. So Marco and I were friends for a while and my friend kept saying that we would make a cute couple so then I thought “ the next step is for me to have a crush on him then… alright” and that was it. All of the crushes I had after him were just me scouting guys that I thought were conventionally attractive and decent human beings. I have been doing that since I could remember and now it’s probably and I finally realized. Better late than never I guess. Even my ex-girlfriend was the same story. Lea told me she liked me and I thought that the next logical step would be to date her. A few weeks before our break-up I realized that I did not even know what a crush felt like. I had always thought that I would find someone eventually and for a while, I was devasted that I literally cannot love people romantically.

There are things some people do “ in the name of love” that I simply do not understand. I never did. But sometimes I wish I did, but sometimes I’m glad I don’t. I hate not being able to relate to people sometimes so when sometime I don’t understand the behavior and I’m hit with the “ well you’re aromantic you wouldn’t get it anyways” I have to admit it does hurt a bit and I know it’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life. Knowing that sometimes breaks my heart but then I realize I have so much love to give to people and just because it isn’t romantic does not make me any less of a person than anyone else.

Lastly, while doing some research to learn more about myself, I discovered that there are so many different types of attractions, love that we can give to people. Emotional, sensual, aesthetic, intellectual and so many more. I may not be able to love people romantically but there are so many ways I can love them and be fulfilled in my life. Romance does not make me whole, so how could I ever be broken? My friendships are so valuable because I love my friends to death and that itself is enough. That’s me!

Stay safe and sane

Robin.

[r-worlds-blog]

I see a lot of lgbtq posts including demisexuals. Which, good for them, demisexuals are a real and completely 100% valid.

However, when I see said posts, they never include demiromantics. And it makes me wonder: why?

Why demisexuals but not demiromantics? I know they’re two separate things but we’re still basically the aro version of it.

And then I think about all the attention ace’s get in the community, and how that is so much more than aro’s get.

I’m not trying to make ace’s/acespecs out to be lesser, I’m actually ace too.

But it still feels unjust. Why only uplift one part of the aspec community, and not of all of us? Why is asexuality more well-known, compared to aromanticism? It honestly invalidate’s aro’s, who are just as valid as ace’s.

So, if you read this, and you’re gonna make a lgbtq post. If you’re gonna include ace’s, please include aro’s. And if you include demisexuals, please include demiromantics.

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I'm seriously considering just ending it all at this point

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I don't know what to do anymore...

Hey guys, I have never been this exhausted so suddenly in my life. Everything just sort of hit me like a dump truck. I hate grade 12. I have so much to worry about all at once that I have no idea what I should prioritize because they are all so important. I have to worry about school because I have exams every other day, just this week I have something due or exams in every single one of my classes, one of my teachers (who probably doesn’t stand much higher than five feet) is being a complete bitch. At first, he gives away to complicated unit exam where we don’t even have the whole period to do so, then tells us that the unit exams are worth fucking 60% of our grade and we don’t even have assignments to bump up our grade so one fucking exam can make you fail the whole damn class. I went from 75% to 57% like what the actual fuck. He refuses to fucking own up to his stupidity and keeps blaming us for it saying we didn’t study enough when he’s just a bad teacher. He just talks and talks and talks and if you don’t understand he will legit just repeat what he just said. No fucks given. He’s only here for the paycheck. He tells us that we have a quiz that is 40 questions…. WHAT THE FUCK TYPE OF QUIZ HAS OVER 40 QUESTIONS??????? I hate him. I fucking need that class to go to fucking university so I can’t just drop it. Then I have social studies to worry about because apparently, I have a unit exam tomorrow, then on Thursday I have a math unit exam, then next week I have another 40 questions QUIZ in bio, then I have the unit exam for that dumbass class, then I have my fucking midterm, AND and 90-minute test for fucking university that I have no idea how to study for because there is no real way to study for that dumbass test. On top of that, I work for this company, which I’m pretty sure is a cult ( there are so overbearing and annoying and think I should just be there at their fucking call like I don’t have bigger things to worry about), that is trying to take the little time I have to study for dumb zoom meeting about making phone calls. Like FUCK give me a fucking break. Then I come home and as always my parents don’t even try to understand the amount of stress I’ve been going through and they yell at me for things that are literally out of my control and call me lazy whenever they have the opportunity to. Like excuse Mr. and Mrs. Terms and Condition but when I come home from a long day of nothing but stress, and knowing my day isn’t even over because I have to go back and study once more, I just want 5 minutes of silence, peace, of reading so that I can try and forget the shit show that is my life. But for some reason, that seems to be too fucking much to ask. All they can ever do is complain over and over and over. I’m so tired. I just want to let go.

Robin.

[r-worlds-blog]

Cheater cheater compulsive eater

Once upon a time not long ago, five months to be exact, there was a sad lonely person who was confused about themselves. As they were slowly figuring themselves out after a multitude of unfortunate events, they decided that maybe staying stuck in the past would only hold them back.

That person had found out that they were a part of the LGBTQ+ community. The closet was a beautiful place for them because their parents were not that very open-minded and accepting. As they grew and figured themselves out, or so they thought, they met a girl named Roxanne (a reminder none of the names used are the actual names) whom they found quite annoying at the beginning but paid no real attention to said her.

Roxanne and I grew close over the years and became friends. Not best friends but just friends. Everything was fine between the two of us until the girl had started to develop feelings for me. I also developed feelings (or so I thought but I’ll touch on that in another post) for Roxanne and we agreed to become an item in the spring of 2021.

We were happy, we had great communication. We didn’t hide the problems we had with one another. Everything was out in the open. Roxanne knew that I was closeted, still am, so she agreed to pass as a friend when she meets my parents. I was happy that she understood and did not make my life more complicated because of that. A few months later, Roxanne had a sleepover with her friends and I was like “ oh that’s nice, I hope you have fun there” but she decided to kiss someone else at that God-forsaken, abomination, blasphemy of a sleepover. She ended up having feelings for that piece of garbage she locked lips with.

A few days later she came forward and asked for an open relationship to justify the fact that she cheated and wanted to continue to do so without facing any consequences or feeling guilty towards me ( I want to post the receipts so bad but I won’t ). She kept telling me how she wants to experiment and that is okay but don’t fucking go cheating on me. Not only did she kiss that boy, but she also didn’t have a bra or a shirt on and cuddled with him basically have naked. The thing is she still doesn’t think that she cheated and it blows my mind.

We eventually broke up but she refused to own up to her action and started to make me seem like I was exaggerating but I was not. She keeps telling herself that she’s a good person when in reality there is nothing but trash on her person, disgusting, stinky trash, I say that because she literally keeps saying “I’m not a bad person” when I never even said that about her, which makes me believe that she thinks that about herself. When I look at some aspect of her life, she refuses to assume the consequences of the shit she does and keeps complaining about how life is so unfair to her when she’s the root of her problems.

I regret the fact that I gave her a chance, I put so much into the relationship just to be rewarded with adultery. I regret being kind, as kindness only gave me nothing else but pain ( I’m exaggerating y’all my life has some good moments). Life is full of unexpected things but I have learned to look for red flags and be wary of people like her.

Stay safe and sane,

R.

[r-worlds-blog]

Let's talk coming out

Finding yourself can be both great and a real bitch. I say that because over the past years I have gone through so many changes and so many coming-outs. It feels like every time I think I finally figured myself out, life is like “ LMFAOOO GUESS WHAT HOE” and it’s exhausting because it makes me not even want to question things because it leads to a crisis. It’s honestly like finding a ticking bomb, disarming it, and then accidentally arming it again, over and over and over and ugh.

Denial made me their bitch because what the fuck is my life at the moment?

It all started in grade six when I kept saying that I was just an ally like I kept saying that I was the straightest person ever, and as I said in my introduction, I grew up in a very conservative Christian family, so, me being a part of the alphabet mafia was a big no-no, still is but oh well too late now, I wasn’t really understanding what was going on so I kept finding boys to crush on. I was literally scouting those bitches. I’d be like “ okay you seem decent, let’s crush over you” and the sad reality is that I wasn’t even realizing what I was doing. To me, they were real crushes because I had convinced myself that they were.

Fast forward to grade ten, I finally accept that I’m a part of the fruit loops. But I say I’m bisexual. Why did I say that? I said it because I was still in fact deepthroating denial. I didn’t want to not see myself as anything other than bisexual because to me it meant that I still have an option, even if I like girls a lot more and would rather spend the rest of my life with them I can still find a really good guy somewhere down the road.

A perfect example of comphet.

Then I found myself to be non-binary, but I still call myself a bisexual because I still have crushes on dudes, (that I have scouted but refuses to admit) and I live like that for a while, then I get a girlfriend, my ex but we’ll touch on that later on because that’s also a fucked up story, and she made me read this thing that I forgot about and made me question my denial. So then I talk about it to my friend Lea ( reminder that none of the names used are the actual name of the people I mention) and she makes me realize. At that moment I was like “Oh shit, I’m a lesbian… damn” at that time I decided to stop denying it and be who I am. At that point, I thought I was good and that I didn’t need to come out anymore because I had figured myself out.

But life hates me, so guess who after a series of events, that I will be talking about some other time, found out they are aromantic.

ME. So now, I gotta come out a fourth time. I know that high school is when you find yourself but goddamn give me a break. I realize that every single one of my coming-outs has been with my bestie Lea.

Anyways, y’all stay safe and sane out there.

Robin.

[r-worlds-blog]

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The more I learn about family courts, the more furious I get. Nobody cares about abused women and children and it is one of the strongest examples of how in today’s society the woman is punished for being abused and for trying to protect her children and how legal structures uphold the literal patriarchy, the ultimate right of fathers. In the 80′s, a psychologist invented “Parental Alienation Syndrome” as this horrific condition where one parent will turn their child(ren) against the other parent. And what’s a strong symptom of this syndrome? Claiming abuse. The stronger the claim, the more likely it must be a manipulative ploy to stop the poor father from seeing his children.

In a widespread study, it was found that in “family courts mothers’ child abuse allegations [were believed] less than one-third of the time. They believed only 1 in 49 cases of child sexual abuse when the accused father crossclaimed that the mother was alienating. Approximately one-third of mothers alleging a father’s abuse lose custody; when the father crossclaims alienation, that increases to one-half.”

This has led to abusive fathers being awarded custody and unsupervised access to their children and going on to further victimise and even murder them.

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Literally me everyday when I get home

I have a feeling this was written by a grounded teenager

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Let's just appreciate.

(210925) felix 🁠 domino