s3cretlies

[s3cretlies]

[s3cretlies]

[s3cretlies]

[s3cretlies]

*screams internally & slits my own throat**

[s3cretlies]

i love myself but i dont love me back

[s3cretlies]

Nobody actually needs me, they just need me to provide good things until I'm fucking useless..

[s3cretlies]

Nobody knows,

The shit I go through,

They might relate,

But it's still not what I go through.

I want to see the bright side,

But it's just too damn dark,

I want to keep going,

But it's way too hard.

I seem all sweet like I could be your go to,

I'll listen to it all,

Sit down and tell me everything you've gone through.

Take me into your personal reality,

Share it with me,

I want to feel all your intensity.

I want to know what it feels like to be you,

To feel your energy,

And the trauma you've been through.

I'll help you lighten your darkest days,

Because I know what it's like,

To be stuck in that haze.

I know the feeling like nobody's there,

Going through shit alone,

And like nobody cares.

I want to help you ease your pain,

Fight away the demons,

Make the flee from where they came.

Just keep in mind you're not alone,

I'm always here,

Just call my phone.

[s3cretlies]

As my eyes get heavy and I start to drift off, it feels like my worries seem to disappear. I don't have to apologize or feel the need to be someone else in those minutes that pass so fast between real life and my dreams. When I'm awake, my mind never stops. I feel like I'm not normal as everything jumps from panic, to sadness, to excitement, to regret then to happiness. When I'm asleep, I dream of everything that could go wrong and everything that can hurt me, it's unbelievable how often I wake in my own sweat and tears. I wish I didn't feel the need to say I'm sorry after everything I do and say, but it just seems like I probably shouldn't have said or done anything at all. I wish I could see myself through other people's eyes, just to get a glimpse of who I really am because as far as I can see, I'm just a burden. I look in the mirror and stare at my puffy brown eyes and my knotted hair.. I'm not who I once was and its killing me trying to figure out if I was like this all along or if at some point I screwed up bad enough to make it all permanent. I fear everybody is going to leave me sooner or later and when someone says they love me, I smile and say I know, I love you to.. but I don't know, I don't know nothing anymore and for all I know they could be lying to keep me safe.

I don't want to be like this, but when I finally decided that I was going to leave this world, it all changed. My sister could see something wrong in my eyes, she knew something wasn't right. She told me that she loved me and she hopes that I'd stay around so that she didn't have to tell her kids that she was sorry they never got to meet their aunty.. it hit me then and there that I realised that at least one person did love me, but it was still so hard to believe. How would someone love such a wreck, such an anxious fucking wreck?

The answer is beyond me, my future is beyond me and I can't never stop thinking about every.single.thing that I could have done, that I have done and what I should have done. My head is out of wack and I'm struggling so much, but I don't want to tell anyone because I feel like it would drain their lovely spirits. I don't want to be a burden, but I know I can't change.. one day I hope to see the better side and rid myself of these demons.

[s3cretlies]

Left to gather my thoughts from when the therapist scattered through them

[s3cretlies]

Crippling thoughts may be surfacing to the top and start to break you down, bit by bit until there's no more rationality left, just a new world of paranoia and darkness.. you're two new best friends.

[s3cretlies]

I sit here and let things completely divide me,

Because no one taught me how to fight the darkness inside of me.

Things keep changing and I'm not even prepared,

I'm angry and anxious, maybe even a little bit scared.

I never feel like I have any control,

Because in my mind I'm just a tormented soul.

The things in my head are getting too much to handle,

Can I call up life's subscription and say I want to cancel?

[s3cretlies]

I think one of the worst type of pain, is being the dyke in a group of dudes and knowing the loneliness they live with. Sure they have each other, other friends, family and random chicks they can root & boot but that doesnt solve that feeling of longing to be loved and cared for. So many of my homies struggle with this and I know it's been on social media alot lately, but we need to start checking up on these guys alot more than we are, we need to tell them we are here to listen to their struggles.

Men's mental health matter.

[s3cretlies]

Thanks for the encouragement..

I was a very passionate person when it came to problematic things, I would always love the idea of somehow creating a solution that would fix whatever situation was at hand. I remember back when I was a little, in yr 6 perhaps, learning about changes in the world and how much the media impacted how society reacted to it. We'd often sit as a class and watch BTN then afterwards we would choose what topic we thought would impact the opinions of society the most and why we chose it. I dont recall most of the classes we did this, but I do remember when one of the topics was about Swine Flu and how contagiously dangerous it was. I freaked out so bad that I asked the teacher to help me write an email to the Priminister, regarding the containment of the virus and what I thought they should do to keep it quarantined as it was breaking out in hospitals, infecting other patients and staff. After sending a whole page, freaking out demanding answers and telling them how to run the show (being an 11 yr old), they responded to my email with comfort and humour, soothing my thoughts by basically saying that they have it under control and they appreciated my concern. Moral of the story. I was eleven and had anxious thoughts about not just myself dying, but the whole world aswell. They encouraged this, now I'm a anxious fucking wreck.

[s3cretlies]

The sadness isnt going to leave, im becoming insane and im really afraid of whats going to happen next

[s3cretlies]

Help?!?

[s3cretlies]

Make you're fucking mind up!!

[s3cretlies]