scalpelpillsbooze

[scalpelpillsbooze]

Fuck this darkness. Let there be light. To hell with tears. Let them become streams of laughter and rivers of hope.

[scalpelpillsbooze]

Dark Place

Have you ever been to that dark place where even the sound of your own heart beat so scared yo, you only wish was to silence it? Often times it revisited me till I swore I would rip out my own heart to stop its beat lest the fear of that awful sound in my dreaded darkness would engulf me. My own beating heart laying siege to my sanity. The darkness torchuring me until I could pray for was death to rescue me from the agony of my dark dark pain. And that was only the beginning. Because I realised that I was already dead in mind my soul wondering about in a gloom surrounded by a giant maze I had means of getting out of. Only my body survived. A fat and robust carcus eating its way to immobility. A glutony of absolute dispair. A literal hand to mouth existence. The only thing in my unforgiving world that was real. I smelt nothing and tasted less there was no pleasure in this over eating twist of fate only the normality of an action the living performed to survive. I hated me. I hated my life. I existed only to give my children life. Or at least to try and keep them alive when all they wanted to do was die. You see the dark places they existed in were far darker, denser and scarier than my own hellish hole so much so, it was unpenetrable even for them to see in.

[scalpelpillsbooze]

God help me!

I want to scream but have resisted I want to cry out but my voice is silenced I want to take my child by the shoulders and shake sense into her but I know its no use. I want to take that drug pushing girl and wrap my hands around her throat and squeeze the life out of that worthless little bitch but somebody wicked made her into a wicked little bitch. I want to go up in her face and scream 'no wonder your mother never wanted you and abandoned your sick little arse; but I can't shes already sad and alone. A motherless and fatherless street rat thats been used and abused all her life. Part of me wants to comfort her and make up for all she has lost and never had. But alI I can do is try not to hate her for trying to destroy my precious girl child. God help me.

[scalpelpillsbooze]

Wicked wicked people @scalpelpillsbooze

[scalpelpillsbooze]

Why are people so wicked?

An unfortunate little bitch recently befriended my child. She had a tough life but claims to be recovering. 2 years my daughter has been struggling to get better and doing well. She has'nt cut for 3 months. She hasnt overdosed in 3 months. She has binged and she has purged. She has drunk alcohol. She has been depressed her mood though a bit more up than down. She has been doing so well. 5 weeks ago this girl forces herself into my daughters life and turned her fucking world upside down. She has given my daughter coke. She has given my daughter high doses of valium. She has given my daughter dihydrocodine. She has offered my daughter heroin. She has tried to force my daughter to prostitue herself by bringing men and introducing them whilst at the same time giving her drugs. It is the grace of God that my daughter is alive. She became so ill the little bitch got frightened. My daughter managed to get help. How can people be so wicked? My daughter is now terrified of this girl and the threats made to her life. Why are people so wicked?

[scalpelpillsbooze]

Too tired to sleep; too awake to be tired.

And thats always when you are hounded by thoughts. Thoughts thoughts and more bloody thoughts. Over thinking Planning Dreaming Not always succeeding So again you begin thinking Distortions start creeping in to your inner most thoughts. Those things that were said had little enough meaning then... Your thoughts turn them into something.. He said, she said, I never said, I should have said. I think I said... Then you begin to analyse their meaning without even thinking that you could have it all wrong. Too tired to sleep; too awake to be tired. Stop thinking Meditate.

[scalpelpillsbooze]

Wonderful

[scalpelpillsbooze]

Let the daylight never end

Each day seemed to be an eternal dark day. Never a bright day. Never a spark of sunlight to penetrate the piercing blackness of those dark dark days. When all I did was cry what was left of my life away. I cried and I cried. Tears of physical pain. Tears of emotional agony Tears of frustration because I had no control. Tears of a slow death that cowardice could not end. My heart felt like a knot bundled up in my chest. Wringing every ounce of hope snapping each delicate fibre of strength til I felt I had no more. Then suddenly, one day, the tinest ray flickered into that dark dark day, I dared not consider that hope again had come my way. I lifted my hand and wiped away my tears for I knew that hope was finally here to stay; even when at times my days are varying shades of grey. Never give up. Hope is just a flicker away.

[scalpelpillsbooze]

I dont want anyone to feel this way. Dark dark days

[scalpelpillsbooze]

Trypraying. Prayer is whats been keeping me going and I havent cried tears of agonising pain trying to type how I feel in a long while. Hope you are all keeping well. I been praying for you too.

[scalpelpillsbooze]

Me

Take my hand and together we will leave loneliness behind. With you, I will never be alone. I can learn to love being just with me.

[scalpelpillsbooze]

Forever Weeping

[scalpelpillsbooze]

Death of a friends child

I have not been here for a while. I have not wanted to. I have not felt able to. I have been crying. I have been crying for a long time now. Unable to stop myself at times. Just wailing and bawling as a river who burst its banks. Just wailing and bawling. The death of my friends child has ripped apart the many tears shredded into my fragile heart. The heart that had been weeping tears of blood from the cuts and the slashes marked by pain from the self harm of my own babes. The death of my friends child hurt me to the core and I relieved the dread and the agony that could have been my own terrible reality. I cried and I cried and I cried. Together we cried. We moaned. We hollowered We roared out the pain that welled deep inside us. The pain of a child you carried inside. A child that was conceived and rippened in your belly, a precious fruit. The loss of your bellyfruit is the loss of your womb. You cannot grow it back. I want to stop crying. My brain has an ever growing pool it seems to store up as if expecting many sad occassions. I want to stop crying. I want to find peace when I open that door.

[scalpelpillsbooze]

Mouth meant to say anything

[scalpelpillsbooze]

When talk is cheap & loose lips cost lives

[scalpelpillsbooze]

When talk is Cheap and loose lips cost lives

Its simply the worst feeling in the world, wanting to die; wishing you were dead because you feel there is nothing worth living for. That feeling desperation; of helplessness and isolation. People are all raving about it being good to talk. Time to talk. Time to change. But what if you dont have anyone to talk to; or you dont feel able to talk, or worse, no one wants to listen, or says absolutely the wrong thing that might tip you over the edge? Have you noticed who the people are that now want to fight stigma and create awareness of mental health problems, that have been going on forever? Those at the top. Celebrities. People with money who want to make more money. People in positions who can no longer hide from exposure about their depressive conditions and want to make headlines to gain sympathy. Charities that want to make money. When all is said and done, who really benefits? Cant you see whats going on? Its good to talk. Talk to your friends, your family, a stranger, call a helpline. But when your really in trouble and you feel like dying, or your so stressed out you start cutting yourself to pieces or carrying out some other serious form of self harm, who is going to help you? Your friends, family, a stranger? They dont have the expertise to deal with that sort of crisis. A helpline manned by a caring person with basic skills in counselling depressed people is not going to do it. Im not saying that these people are not important. Im saying that this is another means of hiding behind reduced and further cuts to services. This is another way of the government sherking their responsibility to the needy. Forcing us to not only shoulder the pressure of caring for our own family members who are struggling, but taking on the burden of a role we are ill equipped to manage and carrying the guilt for a catastrophe we could not see coming. Not all of us have the gift of empathy and understanding. Some people talk to you because they want to know your business. Some people talk because they care. But how many of us actually know what to say? A wrong word can be as harmful if not moreso than nothing at all. If by probing, deep rooted problems surface and you dont know how to deal with it, you could potentially leave that person in a far worse position than when you started it. What if that person requires far more time than you have to give? Do you just abandon them in the mist of their misery? How do you know when its the right time to leave or that the person you are talking to is ok to be left? Time to talk is good, assuming that the person you are talking to is strong enough and not so depressed that you can make a safe decision to close the conversation when you need to or they want to. That you know the person well enough to determine whether they need more help than you can provide and if so, that you have a resource that you can turn to. And what about you? Are you equiped to deal with information that could open old wounds or potentially traumatise you. Its good to talk but first, you have to know what you are getting yourself into and know how you're going to carry it through. Its good to talk, but are you right for the job? Why do we wait until a person is depressed before reaching out and offering a friendly hand, a smile, a gesture? Why do we wait until we feel down to ask for help? Society has made us so selfish communities have broken down and instead of rebuilding them before the walls come crashing down, we have waited for the dam to burst its banks and are now are claiming to save the drowning. Shame nothing but shame be upon us.