starspd - Tumblr blog

[starspd]

something that has given me mixed feelings in my trauma recovery is realizing that people, even abusers, can change.

they can! it’s true! and that may seem scary, like maybe it invalidates our responses (such as desiring to cut them out) but the thing is, even if they can change, even if they DO, we do not have to be there for it.

we do not owe them anything. we can leave them if we want. even if they become to best, kindest person in the world, we can still never talk to them again.

my mom has made changes. not as many as she could, but changes. i still hate her. i still limit contact as much as you can when you live with someone. and i’m allowed to. i don’t owe her shit.

i also used to be angry and aggressive as a kid. i wasn’t a bully really, i was kind most of the time, but when i got angry i couldn’t control it and was known to resort to physical attacks. when i finally got to see a psychiatrist, in my report my dad described it as “when he got angry he would go off the rails, like he became a different person”. that was from many factors, primarily unsupported autism and developing BPD + CPTSD from what my mom put me through.

i have changed. i truly have. and that’s fantastic! i no longer hurt people. i can get snappy, especially at my mom, but i no longer verbally or physically attack them. but another part that can upset me, but i realize is fair, is that the people i hurt still don’t have to like me. that’s hard, it is, but it’s fair and they deserve that, because i deserve to hate my mom too.

people can change. but that doesn’t mean we have to stick around for it.

[starspd]

not only is it: "i support mental health!" until its a "scary" disorder (schizophrenia, PDs, etc)

it is also: "i support mental health!" until its depression or anxiety that is more severe and/or also impacts their relationship (which could even just be small things like not being able to go out that day) instead of being entirely invisible, where only the sufferer themselves sees the symptoms

[starspd]

begging people to understand that maladaptive daydreaming isnt just "likes to daydream" or "vivid imagination". no, it means i struggle to control when i daydream. most of the time i cannot listen to music or funny media without it triggering a daydream. i often spend hours a day daydreaming, and if im not at a place like school or in a car i cannot stop myself from pacing while i do it, even as im in excruciating pain from it (chronic pain). it can be physically painful when i try and resist daydreaming (though luckily that has started to get better).

it has impacted my mental health in many ways. i consume media that hurts me because its good for the daydream. it has impacted me participating in activities i want to do because its hard to stop daydreaming until it dies down on its own. it has impacted my memory. some days its easier, in some situations it can feel beneficial (though is that just the "coping skill" part of it talking?), but others it gets in the way of everything.

[starspd]

[starspd]

the BPD experience of yearning for someone to tell you its going to be okay, but then when they do you dont believe them (and sometimes can even trigger you more)

[starspd]

the thing that gets me the most about ableism against pd’s is that ppl will be like “these disorders make you an ASSHOLE!!!!” and then turn around and pretend that other disorders can’t and don’t make you act shitty.

depression and anxiety can make you irritable and snappy. they can cause you to refuse to listen to people and to be distant and withdrawn. they can cause you to seem angry, bitchy, rude, uncaring, etc.

ptsd causes an array of difficulties in forming meaningful relationships. it pretty much shakes up your entire worldview and sense of self a lot of the time. ptsd can cause you to get angry often. it can cause you to yell and scream. it can cause you to withdraw from others, run away, or cut them out. it can cause general changes in demeanor and more cynical worldviews. it can make you seem grouchy, negative, explosive, impolite, difficult, needy, controlling, etc.

and yet when people with personality disorders have symptoms of that nature, suddenly we are irredeemable monsters. when it’s npd, bpd, hpd, or aspd instead of ptsd or depression and anxiety, people suddenly and magically lose the ability to be understanding.

mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. i firmly believe that. hurting others is never justified simply because you have any disorder.

but if you can be patient with people who have depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, or any other more well understood mental illness, you can be patient with us.

[starspd]

I have a friend who has BPD, is there any way i can help her when she starts to spiral? I’m autistic and it’s very rare for me to be close with people, but i really love her and i want to be able to make life easier for her without compromising my own mental health. Do you have any advice?

it'll depend on the person, people react to things differently. the most important thing is to ask her. tell her you wish you could help her when shes struggling and that you care for her and how you can do so. this will give you proper guidelines of what to do, and show her you care and wish to help.

some people want reassurance, some want distance, some what something very specific. some will want different things at different times, some may not know what they want. its generally smart to communicate and ask straight up. at least from my autistic, "communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship" pov lol.

you could even tell her that you had tried to research how to help her. if someone had said they wanted to help me and asked me what they could do and said they have tried to research for it, i know id be very appreciative and it'd help me a lot.

[starspd]

because I haven't seen a whole heap of decent information about this... I thought I'd do a beginner's guide to dissociation

disorders that can cause dissociation include:

DID

OSDD

PTSD

depression

OCD

BPD

DPDR

anxiety

eating disorders

some people also experience dissociation due to chronic pain

being dissociated can feel like, but is not limited to:

feeling disconnected from the world

feeling "blurry", "buzzy", "foggy", or "out of it"

not feeling any emotions

not feeling any physical pain

not remembering whole periods of time

feeling like you're floating outside of your body

your brain constantly going in and out of focus

dissociation is generally broken down into two categories:

derealisation: the feeling that the world around you is unreal, foggy, or just out of reach

depersonalisation: the feeling of being outside of yourself, or of not feeling real

I hope this is a helpful post, and that I've made people more aware of what dissociation actually is. if you have any follow-up questions, please feel free to ask!

[starspd]

i think something people miss when saying things like "people with NPD/BPD/other heavily stigmatized disorder dont get help! they dont want to get better!" is that when they try to, they are denied, called monsters, treated like the worst people in the world, and are told they can never get better and nothing will ever change for them.

if you had NPD/BPD/other heavily stigmatized disorder, you wouldnt get help either. maybe youd try at first, but as you are told these things over and over, every time you try it gets harder to do so, making finding that one exception, that one therapist who will try, near impossible.

[starspd]

Actually, adding onto that "not believing in redemptive justice is messed up" thought-

I think the disconnect people have there is thinking that when someone says "people can change for the better" or "even horrible people can be redeemed and can become better" that they mean "you have to Fix Bad People personally"

No. You don't.

You don't have to personally fix someone who is going down a bad path and acting like a jerk, you don't have to automatically forgive, you don't have to befriend them- you can cut someone out of your life wholly and still hope they get better, and feel relief if, somewhere down the line, they do. It is not shifting the onus of responsibility onto you personally when someone says "actually community and support can make people better even if they suck right now," nor is it victim-blaming; it's simply stating that hey, people can be really terrible and it's rarely because they're inherently awful people, but because they've been so warped by circumstances that may or may not be in their control, and it's both healthy and good to hope that things change for the better instead of thinking the only justice for people who wrong you or make any kind of mistake is death.

You don't have to fix people yourself. You don't need to include them in your life. But you shouldn't hold onto hatred for hatred's sake, because I promise you- doing that will quickly make you into a monster too.

[starspd]

mama didnt raise a quitter but she also didnt raise a winner. my sense of self isnt consistent most days

[starspd]

people with personality disorders: it was difficult to survive on the ground, so i climbed in a tree and now im stuck and can’t get down

mental health workers (and everyone really): it seems that they climbed in trees to manipulate us. they are fully capable of getting down but doing so would make it harder to abuse us, so they stay there

[starspd]

the quiz versions for the personality disorders here are broken (except for the BPD one seen next to the checklist), so I decided to make them myself. All information is taken from the checklists, and I used the BPD one as a reference but didn't make them the exact same.

disclaimer: I strongly recommend reading the diagnostic checklists along with this, as it says the exact requirements. further research is suggested if you think you have something. this is just to give you a general idea. also, due to the PDs sharing 4 questions, if you have any personality disorder you will get a slightly higher score. please keep that in mind.

Paranoid Personality Disorder Schizoid Personality Disorder Schizotypal Personality Disorder Anti-Social Personality Disorder Borderline Personality Disorder (made by OP) Histrionic Personality Disorder Narcissistic Personality Disorder Avoidant Personality Disorder Dependent Personality Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

i didn't include the symptoms listed that arent needed for a diagnosis, if yall wish for a version with them let me know and i can do that eventually! and thank you to @galaxy-starshine for helping me with the wording for the results screen!

Diagnostic Checklist Masterpost

As well as being found under the tag #diagnosticchecklist, here is a masterpost of all of the checklists I have made so far. This provides some basic information about different mental disorders and can be used as a tool for communicating your symptoms with your mental health provider. They may also be used to self-diagnosing purposes, though further research is recommended if you qualify for a diagnosis.

Keep in mind that you may still receive a diagnosis if you do not meet the minimum requirements. Also keep in mind that your experience with a mental disorder exists on a spectrum, and there is no One True Experience for having a mental disorder.

Note: If you are seeing a reblogged version of this, be sure to check the original post, because I will be updating this post as I create more checklists. 

Neurodevelopmental Disorders

Autism Spectrum Disorder

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder

Schizophrenia Spectrum

Psychosis

Schizophrenia

Schizoaffective Disorder (coming soon)

Catatonia (coming soon)

Mood Disorders

Bipolar Disorder

Cyclothymic Disorder (coming soon)

Major Depressive Disorder

Persistent Depressive Disorder/Dysthymia (coming soon)

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (coming soon)

Anxiety Disorders

Social Anxiety Disorder

Panic Disorder (coming soon)

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Acute Stress Disorder (coming soon)

Dissociative Disorders

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Dissociative Amnesia (coming soon)

Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder (coming soon)

Eating Disorders

Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder

Anorexia Nervosa

Bulimia Nervosa

Binge-Eating Disorder (coming soon)

Personality Disorders

Paranoid Personality Disorder

Schizoid Personality Disorder

Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Anti-Social Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder (quiz version)

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Avoidant Personality Disorder

Dependent Personality Disorder

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

Alternate versions by pdpeach [x]

If you do not agree with a checklist, do not yell at me about it. All of this information is pulled from the DSM-5, so your beef is with the book and its writers, not with me. Stop messaging me yelling at me about how the DSM is horrible.

[starspd]

Bpd (+ possible npd?) culture is always feeling like the attention is on you but its always either "everyone loves me/has a crush on me" or "everyone knows everything bad I did and hates me and trash talks me"

.

[starspd]

If someone without a Cluster B disorder (especially a neurotypical individual) manipulates others, yells at others, gets aggressive and/or violent, intentionally crosses boundaries, or makes white lies and small mistakes knowing they will be fine, they are almost always instantly forgiven.

If someone w/ a Cluster B disorder manipulates others without being aware of doing such a thing, panics and yells, gets aggressive out of fright and insecurity, unintentionally crosses boundaries, or accidentally makes a mistake or compulsively lies (these are all results of subconscious symptoms that it takes years to even notice for us, much less control, btw), we are treated as abusive monsters that need to be "starved of attention/supply" or "removed from your life" (actual terminology I've seen from medical websites, btw).

I have spent most of my twenty-one wretched years of life completely unaware that I had BPD, NPD, and ASPD, and I have been constantly gaslit, harassed, guilt-tripped, victim-blamed, mistreated, witch hunted, suibaited, attacked, and had my life threatened for symptoms that I have only cognitively been aware of for maybe a few months at most, because there's no goddamn resources for these disorders. Yet no matter how much work I put in to be aware of others, no matter how much work I put in to compensate for my brain that is quite literally programmed completely different than a regular human being's, and I don't mean that in a "something went wrong here" no I mean my brain is practically that of an alien's, I am still treated as some monster that is out to ruin the lives of everyone around them.

It's getting a bit sad to realize that I will only ever be sympathized for or loved when I'm six feet under, because nothing coaxes out lip service like a gravestone.

[starspd]

“People with ASPD and NPD are unlikely to seek help”  If you were treated like you just murdered the therapist’s entire family in front of them every time you tried I don’t think you’d seek help either 

[starspd]

“Hopefully this will not end in codependency, now let’s kiss.”