#// best way I can describe myself is. in most friend groups I end up being like. Raven from the tt show. I just do not show much emotion

[1mpulsee]

// your jinx lore of the day is . the bottom one is literally me irl . im sorry guys but the way I type is not what I’m like in real life AT ALL lol . I’m very tired and my emotions stay internal . I rly do not emote much tbh . people who know me irl know .

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

I think that a lot of people without NPD have a really poor understanding of "narc supply" or the specific type of positive attention that pwNPD crave. Even the egotypicals who are allies, the ones denounce narc abuse and anti-NPD ableism, don't fully grasp it.

There's this false idea that NPDs like to be worshipped and showered with compliments all of the time, and I mean, yeah, most of us would eat that shit up, but I know that for myself and a lot of other pwNPD it's deeper and much more, I guess, personal?

I don't really know how to describe it, so I'll give an example: As a kid, no one really paid attention to my creative endeavors, my accomplishments, my feelings, etc. And if they DID pay attention, the attention was negative. I could always do better, I could always be smarter, stronger, etc. This came from peers and adults alike. So I developed a coping mechanism where I would tell myself that everyone else was wrong, that I'm actually the best person around, etc. I don't have to explain what disorder I ended up with as an adult as a result of all of that. :P

But anyway - the wound of constantly being ignored at best and insulted at worst is still there. You know how when you're in a group chat or a conversation with multiple people and no one ever pays attention to your comments, while paying attention to everyone else? Yeah, that shit hurts EVERYONE, but especially pwNPD. Even the smallest acknowledgment can be "narc supply."

You know how when you achieve something really cool and everyone ignores you - but the people who ignore you will be quick to praise OTHER people?

You know how when you post art/edits online and everyone ignores you - but the people who ignore you compliment someone else's post in the exact same thread?

You know how when you ask your friend to read your favorite book or listen to your favorite artist or whatever because of how much it means to you, and they never do it, but then they read/listen to everyone else's favorite thing at everyone else's recommendation, and how much it pisses you off? (Hurts even more if you have the SAME favorite book/artist and someone reads/listens to it at the other person's recommendation and not at yours.)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I could go on and on. That shit would bother anyone, us narcissists aren't alone in being hurt by that, but my G-d, it impacts pwNPD in such a specific way.

But let me flip it around to the positive!

A narcissist doesn't necessarily get their "supply" from someone telling them that they're the coolest person in the world and that they're a god. (Though if you do want to say that to us we probably won't complain!) Sometimes they get their "supply" from something as simple as someone acknowledging their achievements, and giving specific praise on what the achievement was. ("It's so cool that you won a prize in the music recital. The song you played sounds like it was really difficult and I loved your stage presence.")

Being told, "Wow, you did such a great job on your artwork, I love the colors!" goes a very very long way for a narc, especially when said narc is used to being IGNORED for their art.

Hearing, "it's so cool that you like that book, I'll have to read it and tell you my thoughts!" can help a narcissist's interests feel acknowledged.

You might be reading this and thinking, "well, isn't it just basic human interaction to compliment your friends or try out their interests"? And, well, maybe it is, but the whole point of NPD is that most of us grew up without receiving that type of attention, so now we're very very desperate for it - and very, very, VERY sensitive to when it doesn't happen, or is even perceived to not have happened. Something as small as being talked over in a group chat can set us off, but something as small as a simple, "hey, it's so cool that you did this, I love it." can win us over.

And to be completely fair, most of the time us being "ignored" isn't completely intentional. Like, I get it, yeah, sometimes timing just doesn't work out for person A to read my favorite book at my own rec, but by the time person B is in their life, person A can read it, and it's not anything personal. Sometimes the content I make just isn't someone's ~style~ and they support me, they really do, they just don't know what to say. Sometimes someone forgets to respond, or doesn't get a notification when I send them something I made or tell them about something I did. (There is less excuse for being ignored in face-to-face/offline convos though.) But because of the trauma of us constantly being ignored as kids/teens, the smallest little thing hurts and as a result we seek and crave attention EVERYWHERE.

So now, to give in to narc stereotypes of begging for attention: If you're a person without NPD and you genuinely want to help the narcissists you have in your life, the second best thing you can do for us is checking in to make sure we're not overlooked. Try to be sure you're not ignoring us, and if we do something cool, try to compliment it, even if it's something you don't fully "understand." Ask us about what we've been up to lately, what we're proud of about ourselves, and agree with us that what we've done is pretty cool. I mean, you'd do that for any friend, right? It's really not all outlandish for a narc to want that.

(If you're curious what the FIRST best thing you can do for a narcissist is, it's giving us a million dollars unlearning your anti-NPD ableism and calling people out who use narcissist as an insult as a synonym for abuser. Even in "offline" spaces, even when we're not around, even doctors/therapists. Even "narc" abuse survivors.)

[kurenai-works]

Hello everyone, today is my 29th birthday.

With that in mind, I figured it would be the best time to talk about this, so I'm proud to present to all of you 東方雷秘儀 ～ Strike in the Holy Apex, my very first Touhou Project fangame!

The game's story will be centered around a mysterious thunderstorm that's raiding the entirety of Gensokyo, so it's up to a group of heroines to investigate the situation and save the day.

As some of you may know, around November of last year, GameMaker has become free to use for everyone, which prompted me to take the opportunity to create an engine that looks roughly similar to ZUN's original Touhou Project games. I showcased it in greater detail on YouTube sometime around late February and I was very pleased by the generally positive feedback it got.

Taking that into account, I continued to expand the work I've done and it has grown a lot during the past four months; menus function properly, game settings can be modified, controller support has been added, several gameplay tweaks have been implemented, and so on. There's still a number of things that need to be ironed out by the time I'm writing this post, but considering the progress I have done on it so far, I have faith that a trial version for the game will be ready for release soon. This has to be the biggest project I've worked on... by a country mile. Speaking of the trial version's release date, that will be disclosed at the very end of this post.

GameMaker being free to use has given me a joy I genuinely can't describe, and I bet my inner child would’ve been happy too by hearing those news. After all, I've had experiences with GameMaker for well over 15 years, basically almost half of my entire life!

So, what should you expect by the time the trial version is released? First things first, it'll obviously consist of only three stages.

Secondly, you'll be able to play this adventure as the usual duo; Reimu and Marisa. More playable characters will be available in the full version.

Thirdly, the game's main mechanic. It's called the Brave Gauge, and it has functionality almost similar to the Season Gauge found in Touhou 16: Hidden Star in Four Seasons. It's not the most original idea I've had, but for the record, and coming back to my familiarity with GameMaker ever since my teenage years, this system was taken from a very old draft which dates all the way back to 2014, while making some adjustments to it. Here's a little bit of proof:

I'm going a bit off tangent here, but seeing these filenames kinda makes me feel embarrassed. The game has "Ascii" on the name because all of the graphics in there were made using ASCII characters, which was done during a time when my artistic talents were non-existent, so they looked quite messy and overall made the game have a goofy aura to it, haha.

And lastly, considering that I'd like this game to be played by a wider demographic, it's gonna be available in three different languages: English, Spanish (my native language, hooray!) and Japanese. These can be selected anytime via the options menu.

I don't know any people who are fluent in Japanese, and the few friends that I have don't seem to know much about the language either, so that translation is gonna be handled 100% by myself using tools like DeepL. I know that translating all the stuff in one go can lead to heavily mistranslated results, so I'll be making sure to convert my game's text as meticulously as I can. If there's anyone out there who understands Japanese fluently and is willing to translate the text for me, please hit me up because that'd be really appreciated. In case that happens, I won't be able to reward the translation financially, but I will be adding your name to my game's end credits.

So yeah, I don't have much else to say. The game's trial version will be available on Itch.io this August 30th.

The game has a long way ahead from being completed, so anticipating a release date for the full version is not feasible, at the moment. Regardless, I'll make sure to update on that once I have made abundant progress on it.

Both versions of the game will be released as pay-what-you-want. In simpler words, they'll be available free of charge with the optional choice of depositing a sum, in case you're feeling generous. After all, not to brag, but it goes without saying that I'm handling every detail in the game; not just the programming, but also the art, music and writing. While I have used some code libraries to facilitate the inclusion of certain aspects in my game, most of the heavy lifting is carried out by me, so it'd be really appreciated to have some compensation for the work I have been doing for almost half a year. It's not by any means mandatory, so it's fine if you can't for whatever reason, hahaha.

Anyway, I hope you look forward to this game of mine as much as I do! See you then!!

[builtbybrokenbells]

ah how else to introduce myself other than to write the most basic of tropes for you all 😌

Complicated

Childhood friendships are fantastic. A lifetime of shared jokes and stories. A certain way to maintain sanity while growing up in a small town. However, fantastic can be quite a subject term, especially when you’re in love with your best friends brother.

pairing: jake kiszka x f!reader

word count: just shy of 14k

warnings: making out, mentions of sex (but alas, none), alcohol consumption, use of wacky tobacky, embarrassing high school crushes (deserves a warning of its own)

sorry for any grammatical errors!! please be kind 💕

-

Complicated. That was the only way you could describe your feelings for him. It was funny, at first. You never minded being the brunt of the jokes for a week or two, but when the weeks turned into months, and eventually years, it had begun to get old, and the joke had long ran its course. Although you’d never outright admitted how you felt for him, anyone with a working pair of eyes and/or ears could infer. The blushing, the stuttering, the gazes that were casted for just a moment too long. It was all textbook signs of a case of the lovesick blues. And your friends seemed to find it hilarious. But it wasn’t. You were in love with your best friends brother, and there was no world where you could believe he loved you back.

It started all of those years ago on the porch of your childhood home. Your group of friends had decided to go for a swim on the sweltering summer day. Somewhere between the lines of middle school ending and that fateful day in august, he somehow turned into more than just your best friends brother. He was Jake. Jake, with the stupid grin, and the pretty eyes, and the nice arms (they weren’t really that nice back then, but to a fourteen year old, they were for sure the best you’d ever seen). He wasn’t just an extension of Josh anymore, the separate entity that encased all of the same loveable traits as your best friend. He was Jake, with his own traits that you weren’t sure had always been there, or had suddenly developed overnight. His own jokes, and his own distinct laugh that was more than music to your ears, and his his newly found theoretical hold he had you in. And he was breathtaking.

“Hey, Sunny!” Josh yelled from the pool in your backyard. “When you’re finished checking my brother out, feel free to join us!” He’d shouted, splashing a handful of water at you. This caused a chorus of laughter from the group of boys. Your cheeks burned crimson and you wanted to curl up in the corner and pass away. Luckily, Jake caught your gaze and smiled at you, making a motion with his head as if to tell you to jump in. Your embarrassment fizzled, replaced with eagerness to join your friends. By the time the sun started to set, you thought the staring had been long forgotten. Boy, we’re you wrong.

The next joke had been made that same night as you settled into your sleeping bags in the basement of your home. You were nestled on the pullout couch, squeezed in with Josh and Jake. Sam and Danny had sprawled out on the air mattress. “Did you want me to sleep on the air mattress?” Josh asked as you shifted to get comfortable.

“No, why?” You had taken it as an honest question.

“I just thought that maybe you’d like some alone time with Jake,” he giggled. You rolled your eyes and smacked him on the arm while the room filled with laughter.

“Ha! Clever! You should be proud of that one.” You patronized. After a few moments of small chatter, sounds of snores filled the room, but you couldn’t sleep. You stayed silent while gazing up at the ceiling, hoping Jake wasn’t weirded out by Josh’s antics. Somewhere in the midst of your thinking, Josh had tumbled off the couch to find his way to the bathroom. When Jake spoke, it startled you.

“Don’t listen to him, Sunny. He’s just being an ass.” He reassured you.

“Thanks, Jakey. I know what he’s like, it’s okay.” In the darkness, Jake’s hand reached out to meet yours. He gave it a short-lived, reassuring squeeze before turning on his opposite side, back facing you. You fell asleep with a smile on your face before Josh even returned.

The jokes fizzled out by the time school rolled around, the boys quickly finding another subject to fixate on. High school starting was exciting, yet intimidating, but grew to be routine once the novelty wore off. Things became easier when you had all realized that nothing really changed. At the end of the day, you all still had sleepovers and movie nights and relied on each other above anyone else.

The staring sessions had only worsened over the course of your freshman year of high school. Now, from across the classroom, or the lunch table, or maybe over the top of a textbook. You still got red in the face when you finished conversations with Jake, or when your hands brushed unexpectedly, but you had never admitted you had feelings for him, even to yourself. As far as you were concerned, it was just nervousness because it was the first time you saw a boy as something attractive, rather than just annoying.

That year, you and Josh went to the homecoming dance together. He wore a tacky suit with a bow tie that matched your abhorrently pink dress. The pictures were terrible, but the memory was fantastic. Although, you spent the whole night wondering what it would’ve felt like to slow dance with Jake. Josh still continued on with his absentminded teasing, and instead of getting flustered, you brushed it off and avoided it as if it were a profession. Josh had no idea that you had real feelings developing for his brother, feelings that were barreling towards you at the speed of light. You never mentioned it, and he never thought to ask. And that was that. Nothing changed in the slightest until the eleventh grade.

You had been laying your head on Josh’s lap, his hands laced intricately in your hair while music played softly in the background. You chattered absentmindedly about a new film he had discovered. To any onlooker, the scene would be plastered with romantic implications. To you guys, it was nothing short of normal. The thought of viewing Josh Kiszka in any intimate way made your stomach turn, and his as well. He would always be your best friend, your lifeline, as you would be his. It was written that way in the stars. Nothing more than two lost souls navigating life alongside each other, rather than intertwined.

The rain pelted the windows softly, enveloping the home in a coziness that was hard to describe. One that was almost untouchable. But, of course, there is always an exception. The sound of a closing door and a round of giggling expelled through the thin walls that separated Jake and Josh’s room. You looked up at your friend with a questioning gaze. He shrugged. “Jake and his new girlfriend, probably.” The words rolled off his tongue so smoothly, as if they had no meaning at all. You were perplexed that he could say that so easily when to you, the words were stronger than a punch to the jaw. Laced with venom and scripted perfectly just to hurt you.

“G-girlfriend?” You tried to swallow your stutter. He nodded, not seeming to notice. “oh,” you whispered, unable to produce a sound any louder. After a few moments of silence and gut-wrenching sadness, you made a move to stand. The giddy chatter and soft giggles from the room next door were actually quite sweet sounding, but to you, they were nothing short of nails on a chalkboard. Josh was startled at your suddenness, not understanding how the mood shifted so drastically.

“What’s wrong, y/n?” He asked. You tumbled backwards toward his bedroom door. He stood to follow, but you vanished into the hallway before he could say anything else. You would have been in the clear, free to run and cry in solitude, if not for Sam’s lanky presence looming in the hallways. You had bumped into him midst your getaway, and he, being the type of guy he is, couldn’t let you leave without talking to you.

“Sunny! I didn’t know you were here.” He boomed, always happy to be in someone’s company. “Sunny?” He asked as you pushed past him. He looked back at Josh, who had followed you out of his room. He motioned to you, speed walking away, asking a silent question to his brother. Josh ignored him as well, running after you. “Fantastic, nice to see you guys too, I guess!” Sam’s voice echoed through the home. Always something snarky from him. You would’ve laughed had you not been so distraught.

“Dammit, y/n, stop!” Josh said, following you into the driveway. You knew you couldn’t escape him so you came to a stop, not turning to look at him yet. Tears were pooling in your eyes and your lip was quivering. Josh caught up to you, grabbing your shoulders and spinning you around to look at him. When he saw your expression, everything seemed to click into place for him, like he had found the missing piece to the puzzle. “Oh, sunny,” he whispered, pulling you into a hug. “How long?” He asked. You let out a quiet sob into his shirt.

“Since that day by the pool, the summer before high school.” You whispered. You never said the words, never genuinely admitted it, but he knew exactly what you meant.

•

Jake’s new found relationship only lasted a few weeks, but to you it felt like eternity. You had done your very best to avoid him without being questioned about it. You’d take not seeing him at all over watching him with another girl. Admittedly, you knew that Jake had shown interest in almost every girl in your grade except for you, and that you should probably take it as a sign to move on. Of course, knowing what you should do and actually doing it are two very different things. When the end of eleventh grade rolled around and Jake had yet to find another girlfriend, you had found yourself embarrassingly happy.

“Do you have a partner for the year-end English project?” Josh asked you from his bed. You were sitting at his desk, jotting some homework down. You looked over to him, knowing you should have recognized the mischievous glint in his eye, but responding anyway.

“No, I was kind of assuming you and I would partner up. You know, like every other project we’ve done in the last eleven years.” You rolled your eyes.

“Ah, yeah,” he nodded, looking past you know, formulating his response. “Well, I was actually planning on doing my project with Jess this time.” You had given him an incredulous look at the statement.

“Oh, so you’re replacing me?” You placed a hand over your heart in mock hurt.

“Not exactly, sunflower.” He said, sitting up now. You watched him, nervously waiting for him to continue. “It’s just that you and I are much too talented to do this project together, it would be robbing the rest of our grade of any chance of passing.” His tone was dramatic, begging a reaction from you.

“Okay,” you pried further.

“So I actually told Jake that you would be more than happy to be his partner. And I will be Jessica’s partner, just to even out the playing field.” He smirked.

“Joshua, you did not!” You scolded. He gave a shrug, laughing at your response.

“Oh come on, did I lie to him?” He took your silence as an answer. “That’s what I thought, sunny.”

“Way to be subtle about it, you dick.” You mumbled, throwing a crumpled piece of paper at him.

“Subtle about what, mama?” He asked with a smirk. Although your emotions had been so bluntly on display, Josh had yet to pry the confession out of you. You’d keep that to yourself as long as humanly possible. “You’ve been friends with him just as long as you’ve been friends with me! There was no weird implications there, at all.”

“I have not really been friends with Jake the same way I’ve been friends with you. To him, I’m just his twin brothers annoying best friend, that’s about it.” Josh snorted at your response.

“Whatever you say, y/n.”

•

It was weird sitting in Jakes bed rather than Josh’s, but it was a feeling you wanted to get used to. Jake had been overjoyed when his twin informed him that you agreed to be his partner for the class project. The project was due in three days, taking place of the classes final exam. By this point, you’d spent a few weekends in a row crammed in the same bedroom with the same boy, planning out this show stopping presentation. Not only did you get to partner up with the one boy who made your heart go crazy, but you and Josh had placed a running bet. Whoever got the better mark would win fifty bucks.

It was nearing the final days of the school year, when the sun was achingly warm and begging everybody to go outside and enjoy it. To you, it wouldn’t matter if it was the brightest and nicest day in the world; sitting in Jake’s room, scribbling on papers with nobody to interrupt was exactly where you wanted to be. You were dreading the end of the semester. Not because you were nervous about grades, but because you were scared you’d never get alone time with Jake again.

“I gotta say, Sunny, you really went above and beyond for this. May I ask why?” Jake inquired with a ghost of a laugh on his lips.

“Brother dearest hasn’t told you?” You asked, looking up at him from your notebook. He shook his head, never letting his gaze falter from you. “Well, he must be scared he’s going to lose then.” You said with a triumphant tone. “Since this is the first project we’ve never partnered up for, he thought it would be a great idea to place a little bet on it. Whoever gets the better mark gets fifty bucks.”

“I see, so you’re using me for my brains.” You looked at him from the corner of your eyes. He let out a chuckle. “Josh is an idiot if he thinks he can beat you.” You felt your cheeks turn red, quickly hitting another note down on your paper, hopefully avoiding having to reply to his statement.

“I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.” You managed to whisper out.

“Can I see what you added?” Jake asked, reaching for the notebook. When you handed it to him, his fingers brushed against yours. You felt your heart speed, trying not to focus on the calloused fingertips he adorned. While he looked over the papers, he let out a long exhale. “So are you going to the junior prom?” He asked.

“Um, I have a dress. I assume Josh and I are going together. It’s basically tradition at this point.” You mustered out a laugh.

“Oh,” he said, a hint of sadness dripping from the word. You paused, taking the word in. It was so similar to that “oh” you had spoken when you found out he had gotten a girlfriend. No, that couldn’t be right. There was no way Jake was sad you were going to prom with his brother.

“What about you?” You switched the conversation back on him. He shrugged.

“Not sure, honestly. I don’t have a date yet.”

“Oh,” you both nodded in unison, awkwardness dripping from the walls.

•

“What do you mean you’re going with Jess?!” You said, panicked. Josh’s eyes were wide, staring at you with anxiety.

“I-I’m so sorry, Sunny! We never explicitly said we were going together, and she asked me and I got nervous because she’s pretty and I said yes!” He rambled.

“No, don’t say sorry. I’m happy you’re going with her. I just… I don’t know, we always go together.” You sighed. “I just don’t really have anyone else to go with.”

“I can ask Jake-“

“Nope! That’s okay!” You cut him off. “I do not want him to ask me out of pity!” Josh rolled his eyes, about to interject, but you held up a hand. “I’ll figure it out, Josh, it’s okay.” You smiled. “I’m happy you’re going with her, really.” He pulled you into a hug.

“Thanks, sunny.”

“I’m just gonna go get some water.” You told him, leaving the living room. You made your way to the kitchen, knowing their house better than any other. You ran a hand through your hair, letting out a small groan, not sure of what you were going to do.

“Josh stood you up, then.” You heard a calm voice say from the table as you appeared in the kitchen. You looked up to see Jake sitting there, textbook in hand and a plate of food beside him. He must have been studying for his exams. You wanted to shrivel up and die on the spot.

“I take it you heard all of that, then.” You said, awkwardly shifting on your heels. He nodded. You finally got the courage to meet his eyes and he gave you a smile. One so similar to the one he gave you in the pool that day. You felt the tension melt off your shoulders.

“Go with me.” He offered. “If you want to, of course.” His eyes looked sincere. Your stomach erupted in nerves.

“Really?” You whispered.

“Yeah, Sunny. And not out of pity, either. I’d love to go with you.” You felt yourself break out into a grin.

“Yeah, okay.” You tried to be nonchalant, but everything inside you was screaming.

“What colour’s your dress?” He asked.

“Dark green,” you squeaked.

“I’ll have to buy a new tie, then.”

•

Jake showed up at your front door that night with a bouquet of flowers. Sunflowers. When you opened the door, you felt like you could throw up. “For me?” You asked, gently.

“Yeah,” he said, holding them out for you. You took them from him, inspecting them carefully. They were beautiful, just like him.

“You remembered my favourite flower.” He rolled his eyes at your statement.

“Do you not remember who gave you that nickname all of those years ago?” He chuckled. Your cheeks went red. Through the years, the memory of your nickname got muddled in with the mess of other ones. You had always thought Josh had come up with it.

“I thought it was Josh,” you admitted.

“Nope,” he annunciated the P. “You always had sunflower everything: Dresses, pins, necklaces. I think you even had shoes with sunflowers on them.” He was right, you did. “You always painted them in art class, or doodled them on your homework.”

“I can’t believe you remember that.”

“F’course I do.” He said, taking a step inside. “They remind me of you, every time I see them.” You felt your heart flutter, but for once it wasn’t nervousness, it was happiness. “I called you sunflower and the boys just copied me. Never have been very original.” He laughed. You joined in with him.

“You’re too sweet, Jake.” He brushed the comment off, pulling you into a short lived hug.

“Honey, come get some pictures before you have to go!” Your mom called for you. You shared a look with Jake and he smiled, wrapping an arm around your waist.

“You look beautiful, Sunny.”

That night was one of the best nights you’d ever had. After pictures with your parents, you’d met up with Josh and his date. The boys parents fawned over you and Jessica, raving about how nice you looked. At the dance itself, there were photo booths and a snack table, and they were playing half-decent music. You and Jake stayed close with Josh and his date the whole night, making another lifetime of memories.

Jake had pulled you to the photo booth, taking some Polaroids with the camera provided. When he thought you weren’t looking, he slipped one in the pocket of his suit jacket. You noticed, though. You always noticed when it was about him. You took some with Josh and then of all of you together. You made sure to keep them all in a safe place, hating the thought of losing them.

“Oh, Josh!” Jake beckoned his twin over to the two of you. He parted from his date and joined you, giving a questioning look. “A little birdie told me that you owe someone fifty bucks.” Jake said, giving a smile.

“Hm, I don’t know who that might be.” Josh had been elusive as to the whole bet ever since the report cards came back.

“Really, Joshua? Hate to admit that you shouldn’t have given up your partner like that?” You asked, pinching his red cheek. He rolled his eyes as dramatically as he could.

“Fine, okay! I’ll give you 100 if you never bring it up again.” You and Jake shared a smile.

“Sounds good to me!”

The night was full of laughs and jokes, and slight tipsyness due to the flasks the twins had snuck in their suit jackets. When the night was coming to a close, you had found yourself in a group of girls from your grade, sharing mindless chatter and gossip about the night. The sound system boomed over head, transitioning out of a high energy song into a slow beat. You didn’t pay any mind to it, but the rest of the girls flocked frantically to find their dates, hoping for one more awkward, handsy slow dance. You sipped away at your drink when a voice sounded behind you.

“Care to dance?” You swung around to see Jake. You grinned as he held a hand out to you, taking it and making your way to the crowd of other students.

“I wasn’t expecting a slow dance from this, Jakey.”

“You really think I’d skip out on a dance with my favourite girl, especially when you look this nice?” He asked. Your chest burned. You were unsure if it was from the alcohol or the romantic words from the boy before you. His hands found your waist, and your arms snaked around his neck. For a minute, you had never felt more at peace. You thought back to your freshman year, how 14 year old you would have been freaking out if she knew this is where you’d be now.

“Thanks for asking me to be your date,” you whispered to him.

“Thank you for letting me bring you.” He replied. “Best school dance I’ve ever been too.”

“Me, too.” You breathed. “Don’t tell Josh, though.” You both shared a chuckled. When the song was nearing the height, Jake pulled away slightly, looking down at your face. If you were in your right mind, you would have sworn he was going to kiss you. You were hoping he would, at least.

Before you could find out, you found yourself being pulled away by someone else. You looked quickly to find Josh. He flung you around in a twirl causing you to erupt in a fit of giggles. “I couldn’t end an event without dancing with you!” He announced.

“Good to know you’re still thinking of me, darling.”

“Of course, mama.” He replied. You didn’t think too long about the scene Josh had disrupted, but Jake sure did. You caught his eyes when Josh twirled you one last time, seeing his look of disdain. You felt your stomach drop. Jake left the dance that night with a sour taste in his mouth, more annoyed at his brother than he’d ever been.

•

You thought that maybe things would change after that, a shift in the dynamics at least mildly. You were wrong. So wrong, that you found yourself feeling stupid for even thinking that in the first place. In the final stretch before senior year starting, you’d found yourself in the basement of the Kiszka house, watching Sam twiddle away at his bass and Josh make miscellaneous noises into the microphone. Danny was beating his drumsticks on the arm of the couch as he sat beside you. They were waiting for Jake so they could begin one of their many band practices.

You had to admit, they’d definitely gotten better of the course of that summer. Before, they were more or less making a bunch of noise with their instruments and not much else. Now, they’d even written a song or two and already had plans to play a few local shows in the upcoming months. You were proud of them, more than you could ever explain. You were so happy they’d found a calling that they actually wanted to pursue. It was way beyond what you’ve done so far.

You had a stack of college applications, all in various stages of completion but none finished. They were sitting on your desk at home, begging to be looked at and turned in, but it didn’t feel right to you. Nothing did. A lifetime of not spending every day with Josh seemed too unrealistic; it was painful to imagine. So, you didn’t. You let the time whittle away, hoping that the decision would get easier the closer you got to having to make it.

It didn’t.

Your parents were breathing down your neck, waiting for you to pick a college. You didn’t have the heart to tell them you weren’t even sure you wanted to go. You never once imagined you’d never want to go to university, but the closer it got to having to go, the more it scared you.

You were broken from your thoughts when the door to the basement crashed open. You looked to the stairs to see Jake tumbling down, a girl you’d never met before following closely behind. You met his eyes and he paused for a moment. It only lasted for a second, and then he barrelled to his guitar case and pulled it out. The unnamed girl dropped onto the couch beside Danny. Josh looked at you, then at her, at Jake, and back to you.

“I didn’t know anyone else would be joining us.” Josh said coolly, obviously prying for more information.

“Well, y/n’s here, so I thought it’d be cool if I brought my girlfriend, too.” Jake replied. You felt that knot in your stomach, the same one that showed up last time. You swore you saw Josh’s heart break for you.

“You say that like she’s my girlfriend, Jake.” Josh said, quite short with him.

“She’s not?” He chuckled, not caring to look in your direction. “Could’ve fooled me.” He said, plugging his guitar into his amp. You stood, mentioning something about getting some air. You carried yourself up the stairs as if your legs were made of lead. You didn’t let the first tear fall until you made it to your car. It was getting harder and harder to hide your feelings, especially when your heart broke more each time he found a new girlfriend.

•

“I got in!!” You squealed, almost breaking down Josh’s door as you entered his room. You were breathless, tears of happiness still trailing down your cheeks. When you stopped to regain yourself, you saw both twins occupying his bed. Josh took a second to process what was happening, then sprung to his feet, picking you up into a hug and spinning you around.

“I’m so proud of you sunny!” Josh yelled. He put you down and you practically shoved the papers in his face. You’d been waiting for word back from your university of choice. Originally, you’d applied as a joke, but when you gotten promising word from early acceptance, you had to send in your full transcript just to see what they would say.

“That’s not it, Josh.” you wheezed, still crying over what the letter contained.

“What?” He asked, trying to read the paper in your shaking hand.

“They’re paying for all of it.” You sobbed. “I got a full-ride scholarship.” Your voice quivered as you spoke, still not believing this was real life. You saw a tear fall from his eye as well before he pulled you into a bone-breaking hug.

“I knew you could do it, mama.” You couldn’t help but look over Josh’s shoulder to see his brother, and you cried even harder when you saw that he had a tear falling, too.

•

Your eyes were begging you to shut them, hoping for one minute of sleep, but you persevered. Josh was snoring on the couch behind you, his textbook slung haphazardly beside him. You were still furiously writing down important lines, too nervous to look away. You only broke from your focus when you heard footsteps enter the living room. “What are you doing awake, sunny?”

Jake was standing, shirtless and clearly freshly showered. His hair was still damp and he smelled very strongly of Jake. You felt yourself swoon, but it was soon covered up by embarrassment, realizing the state you were in. Sweatpants and Josh’s hoodie, hair thrown up wildly and under-eye bags darker than they’d ever been. “Yeah, sorry, I should probably go home.” You scrambled to gather your things.

“No, no! It’s okay, I just meant that you should get some sleep - you can stay here if you want.” He rushed out.

“Oh, uh, yeah. I probably should sleep, but I’ve got three AP exams to study for. I don’t really think I have any time to.” You let out a dry laugh.

“Well why don’t you come up to my room and study. Im sure Josh’s snoring isn’t helping your focus.”

“Oh, no. I wouldn’t want to intrude.” He scoffed at your words.

“You’d never be intruding, sunflower.” He offered a smile, coming over to gather your things. “I’m a bit of a night owl anyway, I’d love the company.” So the two of you retired to Jake’s bedroom. You hadn’t been in here since the English project in eleventh grade. You smiled at the memory. “Been a while since you’ve been in here.” He noted. “Sorry for the mess.” You didn’t mind the clutter, because it was so effortlessly Jake. The clothes on the floor, the messy bed, the vinyl records astray on his desk.

“Don’t be.” You assured him. Studying grew to be troublesome with him in your company. You seemed more engrossed in his quiet picking on his acoustic guitar than you’d ever been in your books. “I miss hanging out with you.” You let your thoughts slip, not meaning to actually say it aloud. He paused his playing momentarily, looking up at you through his hair. It was longer now, he was working on growing it out.

“Me, too.” He said. “We never really hung out enough, just the two of us.” He said.

“I know, I wish we had’ve.” You admitted. He nodded in agreement. “And now I’m leaving,” you finally said it aloud.

“I know you are.” He whispered. “I’m really happy for you, Sunny.” You gave a soft smile. “I know Josh has said it a million times, but I’m more proud of you than he could ever be.” He paused. “More than anyone, really.”

“Thanks, Jakey.” You met his eyes. They had that same look in them, the one he had before Josh whisked you away at prom. He didn’t let it linger, but you wished he did.

•

“Josh!” You yelled, trying to sound angry, but a laugh slipped out. “You’re standing me up again!”

“Oh, but for good reason, my darling!” He reminded you.

“So you can get laid?” You rolled your eyes. Sam got a good chuckle out of it.

“Perhaps, but only time will tell.” You all fell into a fit of laughter. Josh had told everyone he’d asked Jessica to the senior prom. The two had been back and fourth with flirting and then radio silence for the entire year. You were happy Josh had finally gotten the nerve to ask her, but you were a bit put out that you would not be going to your senior prom with him. You always thought you would, but you could never be mad at him for it.

When you went home that night, you felt a sadness fill your chest. Prom was right around the corner, and with no date in mind you were dreading it. You also felt frozen with fear at the thought of graduation, and the dwindling time you had left with your friends. Yet, the scariest of thought of them all, was leaving Michigan without telling Jake you were in love with him.

You tossed and turned as you tried to sleep that night, and fell asleep with a hole in your chest that you were scared you’d never get rid of. When you woke the next morning, birds were chirping outside your window. You smiled at the sound and the rays of sunshine warmed your face. You checked your phone and saw a missed text message. To your surprise, it was from Jake.

Jakey: Meet me at the park down the street from your house at 12

You found the hours leading to noon we’re the longest you’ve ever lived through, but the time finally came. You walked down the street and through the gate to the small park that was mostly abandoned. You’d frequented it when you were kids, but not many people visited it now. When you looked to the old tattered gazebo, you saw Jake sitting there. You felt your palms get clammy as you got closer, seeing he was holding something. He heard your footsteps and turned to look at you, a smile breaking out on his face.

“Hey,” you said, walking up the steps.

“Hi.” Was all he replied. You arched an eyebrow, waiting for something from him to let you know why you were here. In his hands he held a single sunflower and a very worn piece of paper, looking like it was torn from a journal. “I… uh…” he stuttered. “Here, this is for you.” He handed you the flower. You took it from him, grinning down at it. “I didn’t think this would be this hard.” He forced a laugh out.

“Come on, Jake, it’s just me.”

“Yeah,” he breathed. “I know.” You found the redness creeping to your cheeks again. “Okay, well, up just say it I guess.” He fiddled with the paper in his hand. “Last year, at junior prom, I got the chance to go with the best girl I’ve ever met.” He started. “And I was hoping that maybe this year, I’d be lucky enough to take you to my senior prom, too.” His voice was shaky as he finished. Your heart swelled with affection. “I just thought I’d make the asking part special this time, cause I really didn’t get to last year.” You both laughed. He handed you the paper. You observed it carefully, seeing what was clearly scratched out and rewritten numerous times. They looked like song lyrics. “I was writing a song for the band, and I guess it just turned out to be about you, so I thought I’d give it to you, first. All of the songs turn out to be about you.” He barely spoke the last part. “I think I’m gonna call it Flower Power.” You we’re so in love with the boy before you that it physically hurt to think about it.

“What about your girlfriend, Jake? What was her name? Uh, Lily?” You asked gently. He chuckled.

“She and I have been broken up for a while.” He cleared his throat, looking hesitant about what he was going to say next. “I’ve always liked sunflowers more than lilies.” He mumbled.

•

“Y/n y/l/n!” Your name was shouted through the loudspeaker. The crowd erupted in cheers. From the front row, your parents were crying and yelling your name. You walked across the stage, gown flowing freely in the wind. You shook the principals hand as you accepted your diploma. Your eyes met Josh’s from the crowd of classmates. He made a heart with his hands, followed by blowing you a kiss. You looked at Jake, who was sitting next to him. He didn’t make a gesture, but the gleam in his eye told you just how proud he was of you.

•

The music pounded in your ears. Bodies were running into each other, some dancing, and some just trying to get past the crowd. The Kiszka’s basement was more lively than you’d ever seen it. Josh was wrapped around Jessica, completely lost in conversation with her. You smiled to yourself, watching them together. You were happy he was happy. The smell of alcohol was potent, and the noise was almost unbearable.

You pushed your way to the stairs and found solace in the outdoors. The music drummed softly in the background. The sound of nature soothed you, relaxing you a bit. You were a bit more drunk than you thought you were. Then again, how could you not be at your best friends graduation party?

“Coming out to say hi?” A smooth voice said from beside you. You whipped your head around to see Jake sitting on a lawn chair.

“Why are you out here all by yourself? This is your party, is it not?” You giggled.

“Maybe I was hoping I’d run into you.” He offered. You felt the familiar blush rise to your cheeks. This time, much less noticeable due to your face already being red from the liquor.

“Maybe I was, too.” You grinned. He motioned for you to sit beside him. You took the chair graciously, feeling sturdier when you weren’t on your feet. He had a joint lit between his fingers and you couldn’t help but poke fun. “Jacob Kiszka, are you smoking weed?” You asked, incredulously.

“Care to join?” He held it out to you. You took it from him and took a long haul. Silence ensued between you two, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. “Sunny?” He asked eventually.

“Hmm?”

“I’m really gonna miss you.” He finally admitted. You felt your heart break.

“I’m gonna miss you, too, Jake.” You said.

“Just come with us, then.” He said. You whipped your head to look at him. “What? It’s not unbelievable.” He responded. “Go to school, finish up your big degree early, cause I know you can, and when Sam graduates, come with us around the world.” You laughed at his words.

“That’s a long time away, Jakey. You still think you’ll want me around by then?” You asked. He sat up, leaning dangerously close to you.

“Sunny, there is no lifetime I could live that I wouldn’t want you to be in.” Your eyes softened, looking down at his lips, then back up to your eyes. He pulled back, causing you to frown slightly.

“Okay, we’ll when you make it big, give me a call.” You whispered.

“I think I’ll be calling long before then.” He smiled. “The minute you get in your car, I’ll be on the phone, making sure you don’t forget me.” You scoffed.

“As if I could ever forget you.” His eyebrows knitted together, signalling he was thinking hard about something. Before you had time to process it, he had his hand on your cheek and he was pulling you in for a kiss.

You revelled in it, wishing you could live in the moment for the rest of your life. It was so inviting, finally ceasing the internal nagging that had been killing you since middle school. His lips were soft and warm, the taste of smoke still lingering on him. When he pulled away, you had to stop yourself from protesting. He kept his face close, almost scared to look away. “I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to do that.” He speaks quietly, so quiet you almost miss it.

“Not as long as I’ve wanted to,” you laughed.

“Middle school,” he challenged. You’d felt your heart drop.

“Me, too.” You lifted your hand to tangle it in his hair, pulling him in for another kiss. “Why’d you wait so long?” You asked when you broke away.

“I don’t know, was scared I guess. I always thought you’d end up with Josh.” You grimaced at his admission.

“It’s always been you, Jake. No matter how complicated the feelings were, no matter how much it sucked watching you date those other girls, it was always you.” You sighed. “Everybody knew it but us, I guess.”

“I begged Josh to let me be your partner for that English project,” he said, earning a small laugh from you. “And I also begged him to go to junior prom with Jess. He was so bent out of shape, not wanting to hurt your feelings when she asked him. I told him I’d take you, and he still wouldn’t budge. I think it took two weeks before he finally agreed to let me take you.” The two of you found yourself in another fit of laughs.

“Josh is my best friend, through and through, but I’ve never once felt for him what I do for you. He was right, that day at the pool, way back before high school. I absolutely was checking you out.” You said, his lips ghosting over yours once again. He pulled you from your chair into his lap, finding your lips on his once again.

“I was hoping you were.” He smiled into your mouth. “It looks like we have a lot of time to make up for, then.” He said. His hands were firmly planted on your hips. His calloused fingertips felt like heaven on the soft skin hidden just above the hem of your jeans.

“Then take me upstairs, you idiot.” You laughed. “I don’t think I can wait any longer.”

[brainyrot]

Stuff from the comics I like and if they were canon to the inky mystery I would explode from joy part 2

Bacon soup has Bendy's face on it, it's really funny really, just having the soup you like the most have your own face on it for no real reason.

Alice is seen float a lot, it's really fun.

Boris growls.

Alice halo becomes smaller and her horns gets longer whenever she gets mad, along with fire.

Bendy just doesn't dress up for Halloween because he's a demon, but if he has to scare Boris, he gets a ghost costume (implying that Boris is not scared of bendy. At all. Which is very cute.) < from the cartoons

Charley just hates bendy lmao

love how whenever something happens, it has to be Bendy's fault. he's just a troublemaker, but his friends are ready to forgive him anytime.

Boris says "good golly gosh" a lot, actually.

"we're the first people to land in the moon, and it's YOUR FAULT!" love this from Alice actually.

Also in the bendy universe apparently the moon's made of cheese and there are aliens living there. Or whatever those turkeys were.

Alice is never up Bendy's bullshit.

according to Alice, bendy needs to get better at his "people's skills"

Bendy just has lots of pranks things, like the little joy buzzer (the thing where you shake the hand of someone and the someone gets shocked n stuff)

Also bendy has a pet fish. (Love how when he turned bubbles into a monster fish bendy still called him bubbles, like. Hey guys check my giant pet monster!!! His name his bubbles!!!)

bendy is just..not evil, even when he has literally something that can give him everything he wants (the pitchfork, even though in the end it was a scam) he just says "I shouldn't keep this to myself, but have everyone else have it too!!!" And immediately goes to give his friends their wishes.

Like, even if he calls Boris "his servant" he just treats him way too good.

also "bubbles you destroyed the whole town! Good work of course, but that's where I live!!" Awesome.

Despite bendy being a demon (demons are often described as filthy and greedy) he enjoys being clean.

Best description of bendy I saw "mischievous selfish bitch who steals pies from old ladies" (because in the comics he does steal pies. From one specific lady too.)

The first thing bendy does when the pitchfork turns out to be a curse casting pitchfork is say "oh no! Alice and Boris!" He truly cares man.

"think bendy! Put your devilshness to good use!!"

Alice openly says to bendy "bendy I will beat your ass once this is over", icon.

"there's only one devil who can menace alice and Boris and that's me!" Like when the older sibling says "only I can bully my younger sibling" beautiful. I want this canon in inky mystery.

Alice dosen't even question why bendy pet fish is now a giant flying monster, meaning he pulls out shit like this everyday.

"to think that dosen't recognize all the good naps we had together!" Boris has a favorite spot to sleep and it's that specific tree. (The dancing evil tree.)

BENDY SAVING BUBBLES WHEN HE FALLS😭🙏

bendy: "i've learned my lesson!!" Does the same mistake again.

Alice is really just a good independent woman, I love her. She's smart and she got charm.

I love how Alice can fool bendy and Boris pretty easily, she's the smart one of the group.

All of the stories with bendy, Boris and Alice being like characters like in devil's treasure, yukon bendy and such it makes me think they dress up and play pretend.

Bendy saying "I love that guy" to Charley like😭🙏 this man has no enemies !!!

"we've been here for fifteen minutes!! Time to go home." Boris is still a mood. (He's talking about working, btw.)

Bendy is casually a conductor. (Even more reasons why he loves trains, AND HE PLAYS WITH A TOY TRAIN IN THE GAME.)

Bendy does not like potato corn.

Boris gets offended if he gets called a dog, he will specifically tell you he is a WOLF, not a dog!

"boo bendy!! We love you Alice!!!" LMAOO

"see people of new York!" Either he went to New York to perform, or sillyvision is around there.

Also apparently bendy can lift things and make 'em float. He lifted Alice in the air and let her float around for a magic trick (or it was Alice floating for him but I doubt, since later he spins her and she doesn't like that.)

"whoops! That was my good tomato" 😭🙏 I LOVE THE BACKGROUND CHARACTERS

Let me appreciate the pizza guy saying "another, signore?" Which translate to "another, sir?"

Bendy can cook! Or at least, he can make chili.

Bendy does his bath with his rubber duck!!

Boris and Alice casually fishing where it says "no fishing"

They also just, casually look at bendy sleeping in his washtub being pulled away by the water.

Edgar is such a cutie patooie. He even asks politely "just don't tell the gang I saved you btw, thanks."

[blueopinions49]

Hii!! The isfp 6w7 guy here lolz this is long sorry...

So, first of all, I'm a really sensitive guy but not always? I cry when things are manageable but I just stare when it's big and hurtful, by the way I struggle with empathy, I usually do put myself in other's shoes but sometimes I just can't and end up hurting or saying stuff I should I suffer from schadenfreude more than I would like to admit...

I HATE change like I don't want big changes in life, small ones are ok like friend group changes or going out from time to time but moving to another city? God that's terrible, I *need* someone to lean on, a authority figure or something to care after because then I'll go cray, I usually can't take big decisions alone it scares me and if I keep things to myself too much time they usually get twisted in my head so it gets bad... I always have said this but I'm emotionally a mess, I can't regulate my feelings like if provoked I'll explode in anger or sobs yet any amount of satisfaction brings me to believe I'm on the top of the world and I love everyone!

People has described me in the past as grumpy, easily influenced, honest, annoying, caring, kind, "a good person", determined(???), and a critical person, though I feel the need to add that this is what meets the eye so take it with a grain of salt.

I'm literally so quick to start projects, the dopamine drives me and I usually end up dropping them when the hard part starts, I can't help it but in a note of "can't help it" I'm trying to get better at that, I'm not the type of person to say "oh well! They gotta love me this way, it's me." No, I don't agree with that, when my mistakes are point out I usually own up to them in the moment but if told later I find harder to apologize, I usually can't find the moment to do so even then I try to avoid these behaviors that end up with someone hurt, sadly, these behaviors are often from my emotional imbalance so it's harder to avoid it, I still try tho! Better than nothing.

If its worth something, I can't feel romantic attraction, I wish to have a brotherly relationship with someone and be *theirs* like, the most important person in their life OR just be someone they'll choose in a room but that's not my priority in life, back to the partner stuff, everytime I had a partner I left them over small things because even if I cared a lot I'm not affected when I have to leave them? I never cared enough, it's odd!

I have a hard time out there in this big oblate spheroid we call earth because I trust easily in matters of unmasking then I get hurt and I shut down then I get bored and the cycle repeats, in social stuff it's hard to me to fit cuz I'm just weird, people like me, I know that because I have been so a lot but I'm not personally involved with anyone in my friend circle, I hardly trust them with my personal stuff...

I'm curious and get easily bored, I want to do things!!! I hate being in the center of attention but oh god I love praise and being known, I don't like really being responsible of a lot of people but the idea of being a leader sounds hilarious to me and I have to try it when I can, I mainly do things out of a whim, I hardly think things through and I usually end up in problems because of that.

Oh and I hate routine but I follow one unconsciously I noticed lately lolz and I'm rlly unkempt and I can't clean shit, also a huge nerd for the record. :b

That's all!! I don't rlly speak English so this is my best shot at it lol.

Hmmmm maybe ENFP 7w6 sx/sp ?

[hamausagi]

YES IT IS LIKE THAT AND NOW I WANT ALL OF THEM FOR YOU TOO I AM EYES EMOJING U SO HARD RN

YAYAYAY I AM EYES EMOJING YOU TOO

What is your nickname?

i don't really have one these days, but i suppose jake or august are still two of my favorite names i go by ^^

When is your birthday?

10/21/03 <3

What was your longest relationship?

1 year and 2 months (ended) (thank god)

What is your favorite book?

six of crows - leigh bardugo !

What is something you're insecure about?

the way i speak LMAO i cringe so much hearing my own voice or hearing the things i say. i feel like im so socially awkward and i hate it so bad 😭😭😭

5 Male celebrity crushes

uhhhhhh i dont rlly keep up with celebs like at all anymore but i used to be literally head over heels for chris pine when i was younger HELP

5 Female celebrity crushes

ZENDAYA and maybe saorise ronan ???? (help me i dont rlly care abt celebs)

What is your dream job?

concept/character artist for a game company !!!! (and to make my own games) (which i am currently working on)

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?

finding out about my dream college last september after literally never knowing about it prior (besides a friend making an offhand comment abt it in like. 2017 that i forgot abt), finishing a portfolio in less than 2 months, and getting accepted LMAO

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe?

i used to play indoor and outdoor soccer year round, my indoor team competed in a lot of big brackets for the state (i now play no sports and i can barely go up more than 2 flights of stairs or run more than a few meters without dying) (thank you asthma and anemia 💪)

What were your highs and lows for this last month?

highs: FINSHED MY FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE WAHOOOO passed all my classes 🔥 made some new friends :D (and regained some old)

lows: uhhhhh mental health struggles mostly

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

i reeeeeaaalllyyyy really wanna go to japan so bad. im literally japanese and ive never been there, and i have family there ive never met that i want to see

How do you de-stress?

sleeping, drawing, playing some games, bothering the bf, gams with friends (unless its helldivers) (then i am stressed more)

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr?

pinterest my beloved <3

Describe yourself in one sentence.

good intentions, but poor execution

What do you think makes you attractive?

uhhhhh i have big eyes, smallish waist ???? i really try and prioritize other people (help i rlly dont know how to answer this)

What is something you're really good at?

drawing :3

What is something you're really bad at?

cooking LOL (im trying to get better)

A time that you told a lie.

telling the kid in my prj group that it was okay after he apologized for being literally the worst group member i have ever worked with (he literally did NOTHING and almost cost us the project several times)

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know?

bearded dragons can puff their eyes out along with puffing their chins when they get scared or feel threatened (thanks to ron for scaring the absolute shit out of me one day) (i thought he was dying)

Who knows you the best?

either my bf or my irl best friend :3

What is your most prized possession?

a wooden box my dad mae me a really really long time ago. that or this little sterling silver flip flop necklace my grandpa gave me a few years before he died when i was a kid

What is your longest friendship?

with my irl bsf, been friends 13 years now

When did you first feel like an adult?

either when my dad finally started actually swearing when talking to me or when i changed my car's oil myself for the first time

Do you/ Have you played any sports?

played soccer for like 11 years and did archery for 5 :3

How are you feeling right now?

im really tired and my cramps are killing me 👍 but im chillin

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

night owl even tho i rlly wish i was an early bird so bad. no matter when i go to bed or how many hrs of sleep i get its so hard to wake up before 9 am bro

Do you believe in love at first sight?

for ocs? yes. irl? absolutely not

Favorite song lyrics right now?

literally loving all the lyrics in a feeling - whxami but more specifically i am thinking abt waiting room - phoebe bridgers "if you were a teacher, i would fail your class take it over and over til you noticed me if you were a waiting room, i would never see a doctor i would sit there with my first aid kit and bleed"

also saw a robin edit to espresso - sabrina carpenter and now my brain is IM WORKING LAAAAATEEEE CAUSE IM A SINGERRRRRRR

What does self care look like for you?

taking showers and making myself food. i hate actually taking showers but the post shower untainted clean feeling is so unmatched bro its the best

Describe yourself with 3 singers.

RONEN, wave to earth, and two door cinema club

What makes you nervous?

meeting friends of friends (meeting new people is fine but its scarier if someone i know is introducing me), going to people's houses that i don't know very well

What’s a pet peeve you have?

trying to talk to someone but getting dry ass responses or no response at all

What will always make you cry?

bro. those tiktoks that are like. "if you know yourself which one are you picking". oh my god. those destroy me so bad

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people?

i honestly have zero idea bro 😭😭 if im meeting people at school im probably a little overwhelming (im loud asf at school) but if like. im meeting my friends parents or my bfs friends. i am a ghost

[da3dm]

Night Light 1.1

Never written a g/t story before, but here's my try on it! Lemme know if I should add some tags or warnings!

Lots of thanks to @dingbatnix for helping me proofread it!

Word Count: 3.6k

Chapter 1: Disappointments

In a seemingly empty forest, a breeze was the only disturbance to the area. Birds were calling, animals caused rustlings in the bushes, and the sun shone softly on the plants, casting a golden glow over every surface. Hidden behind this faux peace, a small group of friends were hiding among the leaves in the branches of a tree, watching the small clearing curiously as they waited in…somewhat silence. Their hushed whispers hardly carried down from the tree. “Get off of me!”

The four of them were finding it somewhat difficult to coexist on the same branch…and two in particular wouldn’t stop arguing. “I wasn't even touching you?” The accused blonde shoved their brown haired friend away, teardrop shaped wings fluttering in annoyance. “Just stay over there and leave me alone.”

The blonde yelped, nearly falling off the branch. For someone who was only three inches tall, a fall like that would be rather dangerous. “Now you're shoving me!”

A third interjected, pushing the pair apart. “Will you two just stop? You've been arguing for hours now! If you keep going, we're never going to see it! They'll notice us!” The red head was trying their best to be threatening, hoping to get them to finally knock it off. “Besides, if you two keep arguing we’re going to lose track of him again!”

The fourth one was on the very end of the branch, out in the open and hanging out in the wind, only held by the stem of a leaf he gripped. He’d been ignoring them until that last comment, but didn't even look their way as he stated, “I am fully capable of taking care of myself. You three are the real chaos material. I wasn't the one arguing with someone for brushing against me.” The blackete was grinning anyway, excited to see if coming to the edge of their borders would finally let them see a real human.

The red head glanced over, only to be struck by panic upon seeing just how startlingly visible his friend was, fully out in the open and vulnerable. “Axel!” He launched himself over there and dragged his friend back onto the branch. “You can’t just hang out in the open like that! You’ll be seen! You’re not even supposed to be out here, don't add being seen to that list of broken rules!”

Axel smirked at them and kept staring out there. “Oh come on! You wanna see them just as much as I do!” Since all four of them were fairies, they had been raised inside a hollowed out tree with the rest of their colony. There were strict rules set in place that never allowed any fairy near their borders, where humans resided. The only things they ever knew about humans was what they'd been told, most of which villainized them. Axel, who remained leaning out in the open, was one of the few that refused to believe those stories. Humans being titans, killing their kind, only showing cruelty to everything around them…none of it made sense to him. Nothing was that big for one thing, but it also didn’t sound right. They made these creatures sound like true monsters, and yet described their appearances as being strikingly similar to their own.

Spark, the red fairy, disagreed greatly with Axel. “No! I’m only out here to keep you out of trouble! For all I know you're going to march right up to one of those giants and completely expose yourself with your lack of self preservation! On top of all that, it’s almost high noon! We’re going to be late for the ceremony!”

Axel squirmed in the tightening grip, attempting to escape. "We'll be fine, we can make it! I know what I'm doing, just be quiet so nothing will notice us." He managed to pull himself free and danced away to keep out of reach.

The blonde fairy walked up to them and pointed out at the forest ahead. "Sorry to interrupt, but isn't that what you're looking for?" Out in that direction, there was unnatural motion and faint voices carrying to them.

Axel spun around immediately, his wings buzzing with excitement when he saw it. "Yes! Let's go look!" He launched off the branch, already speeding away before any of them could even attempt to follow.

Spark turned a glare on the blonde. "Oh yes, brilliant idea Sett, just tell the maniac you see something without someone holding him down! Clay, go after him." He looked at the brown haired fairy as he'd said that before shoving off to chase after Axel.

Sett and Clay looked at each other before they just followed after the other two boys, rushing through the cover of the forest on their way over to the group of camping humans. Axel momentarily almost went above the trees, but Spark caught up to him on time and grabbed hold of his leg, yanking him back down.

"Get back down! You're going to get picked off by a bird!" He lost the dark haired fairy only moments later, but at least he didn't go higher again and merely zoomed towards the campsite.

He knew not to just burst out there but he was getting way too close to be flying out in the open like he was. "You worry too much!" The one to stop him this time was Sett, the only one in their friend group that flew faster than Axel.

The blonde spread his arms out after stopping in front of Axel and pointed to a cluster of branches higher up, where they'd be able to see the open space. "Hide there before you make Spark explode." The two dove into that bundle of branches and leaves almost immediately after, waiting for the rest to show up.

Axel was already clambering forward, trying to get a peek at these creatures. When he saw them his wings buzzed excitedly, but he was also shocked into silence. It was a group of friends or maybe a family, he wasn't sure. That wasn't the shocking part though. What truly got him, was their size. This wasn't like the stories, they were bigger, not smaller like he'd originally thought.

Just as the other two showed up, Sett had pushed himself over to take a look as well, his whole body going rigid as he watched these pure giants move about, doing actions that would otherwise be impossible for the fairies while being way too fast for their size. It was terrifying and they weren't even close enough to feel their movements. One other notable thing…was that their language made no sense—it was completely different from their own.

Spark and Clay had similar reactions, but the red fairy could only look for a few seconds before he had to pull away, his hands covering his mouth as fear coursed through his entire body. It hadn't helped that when he'd looked, it was to see one of them crushing something bigger than they were like it was nothing. He shuddered and moved on to hugging himself instead, refusing to turn back around as he was gripped by a cold sweat.

Clay was just frozen in place, his usual rowdy self gone completely as he watched the wingless titans move about. He hesitated greatly, taking a step back as he looked at the other two still watching the humans. "Hey, uh…I think we should go. It doesn't feel safe here." He frowned at the humans before he went back to being wild, reaching down and grabbing Axel by the back of his shirt. "Sett, move it! We're going!" He was half snarling as he just dragged the curious fairy away.

Spark gave a heavy sigh when he saw Clay dragging Axel away, the tense muscles relaxing as he realized they were leaving now. He didn't hesitate to take off, his wings buzzing madly as he tried to fly off as fast as possible. The humans hadn't shown up in the clearing they'd chosen to watch, and he was glad they hadn't. They'd have been way too close to Hometree…that was just begging for trouble. He did falter for a moment to check that his friends were following, but settled right back down when he saw them right behind him. Even Axel was leaving on his own.

Axel, however, had way too curious thoughts spinning through his mind. He'd felt a sort of natural fear towards a being so large that he was hardly the size of their smallest finger…but he wanted to know everything about them! Why did they look just like fairies but had no wings and were so giant? It was spinning him for a loop and he was sectioning his fear off as just from their size, ignoring the warning bells telling him to never investigate them. Rather, he was somewhat eager to find out what all they had. They were using some very strange things!

Regardless of how unaware his friends were of his thoughts, all four of them headed straight for home tree. They were already really pushing it for their time limit, the ceremony a lot more important than they'd been making it out to be so far. As the large, hollowed out tree came into sight, so did tons of fairies flying in and out in preparation for the celebration. The magic barrier hiding the tree from sight allowed the fairies to see through it, only blocking the contents from other creatures. All four of them went to one of the many entrances, choosing one that was less populated and rushing through on their way to the main hall.

Once inside you had to land and fight your way through the crowds of other fairies. There honestly wasn't all that many of them, but when there was some sort of gathering everyone was moving around so much that it made the numbers seem higher. In reality, you would pass the same person ten or so times on your way to anywhere. The adults in the tree had assigned jobs after all, so they couldn't sit still like everyone else was. The group of friends got separated a few times on their way through the tunnels, but eventually met back up in the wide open space of the main hall. This space was in one of the highest spots in the tree, allowing the sunlight to shine through from openings directly above them.

Axel…had never liked so many people gathering together. Colors, so many colors, kept swarming around him in every direction. It was almost too many and always hit him as dizzying. For one thing, he never once saw another fairy with black hair. He was the only one in this entire colony, and as far as anyone knew, the first to exist. Their records were damaged and it was unclear what the coloring meant for Axel. After all, the color of their hair and wings always determined their magic pathways. Sometimes the eyes would even grant the fairy another power, but those were very special cases.

Reds, and sometimes a rare orange, all belong to fire. Yellow stretching to a pale blonde typically controlled wind and sometimes light magic, which was exceptionally rare. Browns were connected to the earth, green attached to the plants, blue with several different areas…mostly water, sometimes ice. A fairy with purple hair was just as rare as a blonde getting light magic, and they controlled the darkness. So where did that leave Axel? This entire celebration was to find out, and it was leaving him unnerved—one major reason he'd risked being seen merely ten or so minutes ago. He'd rather face horror stories turned real than find out the result of this test.

He followed his friends to the area all of the graduating teenagers were waiting. Everyone gathered here was turning 20 this season, leaving the teenage years behind and about to be considered adults, where they'd be granted a job rather than an apprenticeship. But he was nervous. He stood beside his friends for some time, watching as every fairy in the tree congregated in this hall, the area getting steadily louder until the dooming hush fell over the huge crowd.

The monarch was here. She strode down the platform to the edge, Axel shivering as he felt her cold gaze sweep over the crowd, demanding absolute silence. This development made him take a step back, hiding behind his friends instead of staying next to them. It was too much for him to handle, especially since she was actually…his aunt. He knew it was coming, but it still sent a cold shudder down his spine when her eyes locked onto him momentarily. It wasn't hard for him to know what she was thinking and he was already wishing he could just flee the area.

She smiled only once everyone was still and not making sound, setting her hands on the podium before she projected her voice, "Thank you for taking time off your busy tasks to gather here today!" She kept watching everyone as she continued, "Today we will identify the power of each new adult fairy so that they might join the rest of us in maintaining our survival here in the Hometree." She swept a hand in the direction of the group of new adults, her bronze wings flaring for dramatic effect. "Now, come up in alphabetical order, as is tradition. First…" She glanced at her list. "Ala."

A blue haired fairy fluttered up to the stage, gave a bow, then turned to grant access to his wings. Axel watched in trepidation, aware he'd be dragged up there way too soon for his liking. Even so, he watched the exchange closely. It was easier to activate magic with the help of another fairy, but you could also do so on your own. The monarch reached over and delicately traced her hands over the pale blue wings. White lines spread from his back towards the end of the wings like veins, forming a shape in the center of his wings as the color faded into becoming a near white blue, the shape revealing the symbol of ice.

Of course this had her smiling again as she gestured for the new ice fairy to go wait in a certain area. They would designate everyone by element before telling them what their actual jobs were. He tensed when she looked at the list again, but she called up someone called Amber instead. His nerves were firing off all over the place, his wings buzzing every now and then with discomfort. In the end he couldn't truly watch what happened with the girl up there, only knowing she was hard to help unlock and that it had become something along the lines of earth and minerals.

She called yet another name, his gaze casting to the floor to lock into his feet, his hands feeling sweaty even as she called someone who wasn't him. Despite what all he'd actually been through, this was by far one of the worst days of his life and he had yet to be called on. After only seconds of this building stress, he shoved his hands behind his back in an attempt to slow it down, gripping his arms tightly to force his head back up. Even as he did, his eyes closed and he let out a shaky breath, refocusing on the present.

A hand touched his shoulder and he flinched, only for another to touch the other shoulder. Slight panic made his eyes snap open to see who was grabbing him. Spark and Sett. A wave of relief washed over him thickly, soothing coldness spreading through his body. He could see in their expressions that they understood what was wrong, so he gave them a thankful nod, glancing at Clay who was looking at him like the guy was ready to beat up whatever was stressing his friend out like this.

It made him smile. Axel was finally getting the beginning of a panic attack to settle, at least to a manageable amount. He took a few deep breaths and waited, now a tad more confident knowing his friends were still with him. Even so, with his name called only moment later, he still jolted, feeling that rush of fear run through his body. He let it run. Using it, he made his legs move, taking a few steps forward before he used his shaky wings, knowing his legs felt too weak to take him the whole way. He landed on the raised platform right in front of his aunt, locking eyes with her before immediately looking away.

He couldn't stand being looked at so worriedly, even if it was only a split second. In the end he turned his back to her so she could get to his wings, looking at the wall to keep himself grounded. But then her voice echoed out to the room, "We're treated this season to a new color, possibly bringing in a new fairy element! Let us hold hope for our new friend and greet them among us no matter the result!" It was a traditional saying that had been said only a few times before, but her tone and the fact that it was him she was talking about, felt like someone was stabbing him from behind.

He choked on a breath, but just closed his eyes and balled his hands into fists, gritting his teeth. He would find out what sort of abomination he was today, and…he desperately hoped that maybe he was just an earth fairy, or had something actually useful. The problem…was that there weren't any elements left. When her hands touched his wings he flinched, the touch feeling cold, too cold. When she pulled his magic from his core and into his wings, it was like someone was pulling on strings attached to his organs. At the same time, it wasn't exactly painful, just exceedingly strange.

He peeked his eyes open and watched the glow from the wall, tensing as it started to dim out. When it finally stopped, there was a sort of shocked air among the crowds. A bit scared, especially after hearing his aunt mutter under her breath, he looked over his shoulder at his wings. They were…not showing any element at all. There were some jagged lines, zig zags, loops, and most prominently a sideways eight right where an element should be. Or at least it resembled one, but it was more like two rings looped through each other.

Even so, it still did not show an element. He watched as she silently motioned for an examination, a sort of pressure building up in his chest. His hands tightened even further as fists, his nails digging into his skin as his eyelids flittered just a bit faster. He narrowed his eyes after a few seconds, slowing down his blinking as he waited, fully on edge along with the entire tree full of fairies. He couldn't even watch as they brought a magic stone polished into a ball shape, wishing to measure his element with it and tell if he had usable magic at all.

The cold stone was pressed against the skin between his frail wings. The air was tense, every last person holding their breath and staring at the stone he couldn't see. After some time passed, there were murmurs spreading, a few of them sending spikes of anxiety through his body. The stone was removed and the fairy who'd been trying to measure it was half frozen, stuttering out, "I-it doesn't show anything! He has no element at all! His magic…it can't be used!"

Everyone feel deathly silent, but Axel felt some entirely different. Icy talons wrapped around his heart, a weight settling in his chest as tears fought their way to his blank face. Then all at once it struck, shock creating fear in everyone present. It took a few seconds of panic before some began shouting, asking if fairies were about to lose their magic, that he was cursed, some actually begging their own relatives would have magic and not end up like him. The last was quieter than the rest, but still present.

With the power only she had, the monarch commanded silence with a single glare, silencing the entire room with that on look. She faced them all. "Stop the dramatics! Keep the peace! There is still a symbol, it will mean something somewhere in our archives. We will be investigating this incident, and as of yet, I believe this is particular for only black haired fairies, of which Axel is the only one. Now, go stand over there and let's continue." She had a pained expression for a moment before it was buried under her usual iciness.

Axel couldn't respond. He was numb as he was led to a different spot, standing separate from everyone by quite a bit. His hands found the edge of his half jacket and clutched it like his life depended on it, becoming empty and blank as he zoned out entirely. After all of this time…there is no 'searching the archives', or they would have already done it. No. That stone never lied. And after all that stress, all of that heart stopping fear that his life would end and he could never explore again, he…had nothing.

It was almost laughable. It's hard to say if this outcome was better or worse. In the end, he didn't know what he'd been expecting at all. He actually nearly laughed, just standing there with his gaze cast downwards, only uncertainty blooming inside him. What job…does a fairy without magic even do? Would he remain an apprentice forever? He couldn't tell if that was good or not, knowing he'd be able to keep that freedom to explore, but also knowing he was now a true outcast. After all of that judgement growing up…nothing was going to compare to the aftermath of this discovery.

—

End chapter of the first g/t story I've done!

(will add links to the next chapters at the end of this once I get those uploaded)

/Mistake/ ->

[ratcatcher0325]

Hi Penn! My name's Kit and I'm probably one of your biggest fans. (And also Travis of Sticks and Stones. He's pretty amazing too). I've been following you since Seattle and I'm having a bit of a fangirl moment sending you this Ask...

OK... my question: Describe an average day in your life.

Oh, hi, @kitn-underfoot ! It’s amazing to meet you! Biggest fan you say? Since Seattle? Damn, that’s like… early days…. I was still knocking at the knees back then. Hey! Hey Trav!! You can tune that later, come here…. We’ve got our biggest fan, Kit, say hi!

Hi Kit!! Pleasure to meet you! Thanks for enjoying our stuff! Who knows, maybe we’ll stop near you on tour and we can say hi in person!

Okay you’ve said your piece, now get outta my ask inbox. Shoo! (He just rolled his eyes at me and jabbed me in the shoulder with his finger). He’s lucky I’m in a chipper mood…. I’m kidding, I love that man, I dunno what I’d do without him.

Describe an average day in my life? Hmm, it still blows my mind how much that’s changed, and so quickly too. God, I mean, the lives I’ve lived before now, compared to the one I count myself lucky to wake up to every morning??? It’s like night and day. So, I’ll give you a window into my current little slice of heaven:

Most mornings I stir awake at 11 at the absolute earliest, most often lying atop Eveline’s heart, but sometimes we switch it up and I curl up in her hand or her hair. Neither of us are big on rising early. Most of the time we snooze our alarm three and four times. Travis usually ends up having to slam on our hotel room door just to finally get us up. He loves that, I know (sorry, Trav…). One of the things I absolutely love about my life is I find myself someplace new sometimes within the span of 24 hours. We always love exploring wherever we are: see the sights, get lost, meet up with friends if we have them there. Sometimes we all hang as a group, sometimes it’s just Ev and I.

Alternatively, if the weather’s shitty or we’re tired from being on the road, we’ll just hole up in one of our hotel rooms and jam or write something or just order room service and pig out.

Then, when the sun goes down, it’s time to get to work. Sticks and Stones warms up and goes through sound check and I check my equipment backstage… then, before I know it, I’m suddenly onstage with my best friends behind me and so many wonderful friends in the making in front of me, swaying and singing along with me. I play my heart out, have fun, usually make an idiot of myself one way or another, meet people backstage, sign a million things until I’m terrified my skin is just going to permanently turn silver, and then, we crash, and I find myself settled back over the beating heart of the woman I love and we get ready to do it all again, someplace else.

Isn’t it insane that I get to claim that as my routine? Never in my life would I have thought something like that would ever be possible for someone like me. And yet, here I am, living it. It’s craziness. But…. It’s our craziness and it’s something I enjoy sharing with people like you. So… thanks for enjoying my stupidity captured in sound waves. And thanks for believing in me. It means in the world.

With love, one of Kit’s biggest fans,

Penn

[raccooncourt]

Twilight is a stockholm syndrome horror franchise (A Raccoon Court Case)

I wrote this essay as an argument for my podcast (which you can listen to here!). If you want to hear this argument along with my friends picking it apart in our court of law, listen to it on Spotify! Enjoy!

Opening Statement

Hello, my name is Mel, and today I will be defending myself against the charge that i have bad taste for “believing Twilight is a horror franchise about Stockholm Syndrome”.

Before I begin, lets get something straight. I would never, ever come on this podcast, in front of the court and God and Jesus and everyone, and say that Twilight is a bad movie because it’s not. Catherine Hardwicke put her everything into this movie, especially when the 2007-2008 writers strike forced her to improvise the line “hold on tight spider monkey.” This movie has some of the best lighting and editing choices EVER. The soundtrack RIPS! The actors are COMMITTING to the weird shit they were given. Like just watch Emmett walk around with that bag of hard boiled eggs. Look at Alice’s insane haircut during the baseball scene. Watch Anna Kendrick be the most passive aggressive and insecure girl in that school. How do they make Arizona look fucking blue somehow? It’s everything to me.

That being said, I believe that Twilight should not be considered a “romantic fantasy film” as Wikipedia describes it. This movie, and the franchise as a whole, follows a serious episode of Stockholm Syndrome where Bella Swan, after trauma bonding with Edward and his family, becomes convinced that her relationship with Edward is good and healthy and worth leaving everyone she knows and loves behind. While Twilight is my main source for this argument, I will be discussing the less entertaining, more biblically accurate movies in the franchise for some key evidence. Before we jump into them, I would like to note that my praise of Twilight does not unilaterally apply to the rest of these movies. I could feel myself lose years off my life watching Breaking Dawn part 1 with Jess back in June. That being said, Breaking Dawn part 2 revived me and I’m actually happy and healthy and young and vivacious now because of that Alice girlboss moment with the Volturi at the end.

With the current group of Twilight fans in the studio, I am sure we will get distracted and just talk about how good Twilight is, but I will do my best to keep us on track. In the case today, I will give us all an AP Psych background on Stockholm Syndrome. I will then detail all of the weird and creepy things that Edward does in Twilight to trick Bella accidentally into falling in love with him. Finally, I will provide examples from the other movies in the franchise to back up how this unstable and unhealthy relationship fits the telltale signs of a Stockholm Syndrome situation.

Defense case-in-chief

One note before we start. This is a fun podcast for fun. We are in no way trying to trivialize or minimize anyone’s mental health struggles or traumatic experiences. I am just interested in using this lens as a way to understand this dumb fucking franchise.

Now, before we talk about how Edward tricks a teen girl into falling in love with him, let’s quickly go over the basics of Stockholm Syndrome.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, “Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response to being held captive. People with Stockholm syndrome form a psychological connection with their captors and begin sympathizing with them. In addition to the original kidnapper-hostage situation, Stockholm syndrome now includes other types of trauma in which there’s a bond between the abuser and the person being abused.” (https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22387-stockholm-syndrome)

This syndrome was named after an incident in 1973, where bank robbers in Stockholm, Sweden held hostages for six days in the bank. During that time, some of the hostages started to like the bank robbers, and upon release, they refused to testify against the criminals. Some of these victims even raised money for the robbers court costs.

Again, according to the Cleveland Clinic,

People who have Stockholm syndrome have:

Positive feelings toward the captors or abusers.

Sympathy for their captors’ beliefs and behaviors.

Negative feelings toward police or other authority figures.

Other symptoms are similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and include:

Flashbacks.

Feeling distrustful, irritated, jittery or anxious.

Can’t relax or enjoy things that you previously enjoyed.

Trouble concentrating.

(https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22387-stockholm-syndrome)

I would like us all to remember these key symptoms and characteristics of the syndrome. First, a victim is put in a traumatic situation, or multiple traumatic situations over time, with the abuser. Then, as they spend more time with the abuser, they start to empathize and form good feelings towards the abuser. A key part here is that they also form negative feelings towards POLICE like say maybe a certain DILF from Forks, Washington??? Anyway, the other symptoms of flashbacks, feeling irritated and anxious, losing interest in your hobbies, trouble concentrating, and distrust all come into play here. In our next sections, I will be giving you concrete examples of times Bella displays ALL of these symptoms and how we can use that evidence to diagnose her as suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

Now that we have our psychological background information, let’s talk about Twilight!

When we first meet Bella, she is nervous about moving to Forks, and she is a generally shy person, but she is personable. Bella has consistent dinners with her dad and is nice to the townies. She laughs with her mom on the phone. She immediately makes friends with Jacob and finds a group of friends at school on the first day. She smiles a lot considering her character in future movies. She makes jokes when she first meets Mike and Jessica (”aren’t people from Arizona supposed to be like really tan?” “yeah maybe thats why they kicked me out”). I like this weird Bella. She is doing a great job at making friends despite coming in the middle of the year and being shy!

Now, Edward - he is looking ROUGH when we are first introduced. He looks like he’s actually dying a painful death when the rest of the Cullens look like legit immortal and young. Jessica describes him as “totally gorgeous” but as we will see as the movies progress, he won’t reach his hottest until the last few movies. He is not a catch right now. Watching him react to smelling Bella is one of the worst things that I’ve ever seen. I know that it’s just because he is Horny for that Blood, but it is awful to watch. He kinda looks like when a little kid throws up and has to go tell their mom about it in the middle of the night towards the end of the scene.

Anyway, Edward and Bella have now met, which is the beginning of the end that will stretch out over the next 5 movies. But currently, there has been no trauma bonding. There is no psychological damage, except maybe to Bella for thinking she smelled so bad Edward was gonna yak. We are not in Stockholm Syndrome territory yet. Edward comes back to school, apologizes, and becomes Bella’s lab partner again. He’s cuter in this scene somehow, and while it isn’t the same glow up we will see after him and Bella trauma bond, there is something to be said about him tearing her confidence down and then building it back up as the movie makes him look more attractive…

Now, 21 minutes into the movie, Bella is about to get crushed by a car when Edward appears out of nowhere and saves her. He crushes the door of the car, stops it, and then runs away. Here is our first instance of Bella associating Edward as her protector. In the future, this white knight syndrome seems to justify any future danger that Edward puts Bella in. Also, this begins my favorite Edward trait in this movie - this man is a GASLIGHTER. Bella confronts Edward about how he got to her so fast and why his eyes are different colors and he says 1) he was right next to her and 2) “its the fluorescence.” Bella fights back, but he laughs her off. He talks about how she hit her head and is confused. When she keeps fighting, he says “well, no one is gonna believe you,” WHICH IS A CRAZY THING TO SAY!!!!

In the next scene, Bella is having some small flashbacks to the car accident, which could just be PTSD, but as I mentioned earlier, PTSD shares a lot of symptoms with Stockholm Syndrome. Bella is zoning out and not paying attention to Mike while he asks her to prom, but at this point, she is still nice fun Bella. She even puts in a good word for Jessica. However, at the greenhouse, Edward gets mad at Bella for tripping and tells her that she can’t be his friend. It’s a weird back and forth that definitely isn’t helping her psyche. She thinks the guy who saved her life regrets it, which would fuck you up for sure.

This has nothing to do with my argument, but I need to mention that in the next scene, we get both “its la push baby, la push” as well as Edward kicking the apple up into his hands in a way that defies logic and gravity. It’s cinema perfection. To be fair, in this scene, Edward says that Bella would be smart to stay away from him. He may not be trying to force Bella into a Stockholm syndrome situation, but I am sure those bank robbers weren’t either.

Bella is still herself at this point. She goes to the beach with her friends, hangs out with Jacob, and gives the girls advice about the Prom. She asks to go with the girls to prom dress shop all on her own, but she is kinda zoned out and reading a book because she just wants to go to the bookstore. I appreciate that she tried to participate in the girly things her friends wanted to do, but then she is dumb as fuck and walks down the darkest and creepiest alley ever. These gross ass adult men jump her, and Edward comes to the rescue in his teeny tiny little car. Slay! But do you wanna know what’s not slay? Edward was literally stalking her, but Bella feels blessed because he saved her once again. At dinner, Edward, in the creepiest way possible tells her that “he feels very protective of her.” I am obsessed with how quickly Bella accepts that he can read minds. Like what the fuck is wrong with her. But here, we can start to see the change in Bella despite the warning signs - Edward was LITERALLY STALKING HER. GET A GRIP GIRL!!

After Waylan’s death, Bella has flashbacks for a second time! and it makes her start reading the book about vampires. This leads us to an incredible scene of internet sleuthing about vampires and having MORE FLASHBACKS to when Edward saved her. Someone get this girl some help. In the next scene, we get the incredible confrontation between Edward and Bella in the woods. Something I need to bring up here - this girl knows that Edward has stalked her, and she is pretty sure that he is a dangerous vampire. YET!!! She decides to walk out into the forest ALONE with Edward to confront him somewhere no one could see. These two aren’t even together yet, and she has the worst self preservation skills of all time! Then - when she finds out that he has been 17 “for a while” she STAYS AND KEEPS TALKING TO HIM!!!

Now, here is where I truly feel like my evidence really begins. When Edward talks about what vampires eat and how he is dangerous, Bella says “you won’t hurt me.” We are certainly seeing some crazy amounts of trust and sympathy for this man who was literally stalking her and may kill her out in the woods and is also a vampire. Remember how the Cleveland Clinic notes “sympathy for their captor’s behaviors” as one of the key signs of Stockholm Syndrome… She has no reason to believe in him, but she does. Edward drags her through the woods and then forces her up the mountain to reveal how weird and shiny he is. “This is the skin of a killer, Bella” should have really made her turn around and run, like he is literally admitting to being a killer and she says “I don’t believe that.” GIRL!! GET OUT OF THERE!! RUN BITCH!!

I find it interesting that Edward in this scene says that his voice, his face, and his smell are tricking Bella into being drawn in because he is a predator, and it is a trap. He talks about how he was designed to kill and how Bella would never be able to out run him or fight him off, and he is trying to physically demonstrate the threat by throwing shit around. It is a scary display! Edward does a lot in the first few movies to stay away from Bella, but eventually, he does fight to keep her around despite the fact that he KNOWS that he’s 100 years older than her (ew) and he KNOWS that his vampire whiles have tricked Bella’s brain into being attracted to him. Honestly, if he were a good man and not a weird criminal, he would have just moved. Like why do the Cullen kids even need to be in school. Let them pretend to be in their 20s for a while and move away from this poor dumb girl.

As soon as Edward and Bella get together in the woods, she says she is in love with him. Girl, BFFR. We start to see Bella pull away now that she has Edward. Bella ignores all of her friends at school to be with Edward.

Ok, now Charlie is on the hunt for the “animal” killing people. Bella fully knows that its a vampire and that those vampires can kill Charlie and her friends, but she doesn’t say anything because she now has this weird allegiance to the Cullens. She also won’t tell her dad that she’s dating Edward. Mike tells Bella that he doesn’t like Edward dating her because “he looks at you like you’re something to eat.” I know that Mike says that shit because he used to have a thing for Bella, but it says something when your friends are worried about your boyfriend and you brush them off… That’s not a good sign.

That night, Edward just appears in her room while she is on the phone with her mom and ADMITS TO SNEAKING INTO HER ROOM FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS??? TO WATCH HER SLEEP??? Bella thinks its hot. Literally what the fuck girl get a GRIP. Now, when Edward introduces himself to Charlie, he looks hot. My theory, and you can test it as you watch the series, is that Edward gets hotter over time because Bella gets deeper and deeper into her Stockholm syndrome situation. A lot of the other characters are their hottest in this movie, but Edward gets hotter as Bella loses her mind. I think that is saying something.

BASEBALL SCENE!!! BASEBALL SCENE!!! BASEBALL SCENE!!!

Now we are in the first instance where Edward has put Bella in danger - the three rogue vampires find out about her while the Cullens play baseball. This won’t put Bella into danger until later, but it fully is Edward’s fault that she was out in the woods where the vampires could find her. What it does do is force Bella to choose between Edward and Charlie, and this one singular time, she chooses correctly. Bella tells Edward to leave her alone. She isn’t fully sucked into the Cullen trap! JKJK!! It is all a trick to get Charlie to think she is leaving so he doesn’t worry about her! It is absolutely devastating to watch Bella hurt Charlie because Edward says “you have to.” Oh my god it is so hard to watch. DON’T HURT CHARLIE THAT’S MY MANZ!!!

This scene of Bella leaving really solidifies her jump from normal Bella to what we could call captive Bella. She is forced to leave her dad. She is painfully watching her friends have fun while she runs away with the Cullens and a boy she just kissed for the first time after he admitted to sneaking into her room for months. From here on out, we will watch her slowly pull away from everyone until it is just her and Edward. In this scene, Bella admits to being afraid and Edward says “Bella, you are my life now.” Insanity. It’s actually so scary. He also says that when it is over, they are gonna go somewhere alone. Isolating a 17 year old from her home, her friends, and her family is manipulative creep behavior, even if it’s because a scary vampire is trying to get her. Especially when it’s your fault for the vampire even knowing she was a target to begin with.

James tricks Bella into coming to the ballet studio alone and beats the shit out of her before biting her, which nearly kills her. Edward has to suck the poison out because Alice gets horny off Bella’s blood. Bella has to watch a murder happen while Edward just lets her suffer until he decides what to do with her. Edward then takes too much of her blood despite Carlisle telling him when to stop, which is a cool and totally not bad thing to do to your girlfriend when she is on the brink of death. When Bella wakes up, she thanks Edward for saving her, solidifying this savior idea she has about a man who will continue to put her in danger.

Oh god and I totally forgot about the boot to prom. Now, right before the end of the movie, we get one final attempt at a friend trying to save Bella. Jacob gets paid by his dad to tell Bella to break up with Edward. Another adult man informing Bella of what a mistake she is making. She is just like ok whatever bye! Note, she goes to prom with Edward and not any of her friends, even though her friends were so excited about it. She does say hi to her friends, but Edward takes her outside, and they spend the entire prom alone together. It is really fucked that the soundtrack goes so hard in this movie because I start to tear up even knowing that she is going to lose all of her friends and family for Edward.

At the end of this movie, we know a few things about Bella and Edward. Bella starts off as a shy girl with friends who spends time with her dad and calls her mom often. When she meets Edward, she idolizes him after he saves her life a few times. He tries to explain how much of a fucking creep he is by admitting to stalking her, being a murderer, and sneaking into her home for months. She thinks its hot and says that she loves him. Edward, despite being 117 and knowing better than to be into a 17 year old girl, brings her into his family and exposes her to other vampires. Those vampires hunt her for sport and to “protect her,” Edward forces her to lie and leave her friends and family. She now has no one else besides the Cullens. While they do save her, it is their fault for putting her in this situation. However, because they save her from James, she sees them as her savior rather than her captor.

Now, we will complete our analysis by quickly going over the evidence from the other four movies. It is going to be less descriptive because I could not make myself watch this entire series again after watching it literally 2 months ago.

Everyone, buckle up because it is New Moon time. Before we get started, I would love to read the character descriptions from the New Moon entry of Wikipedia:

Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan, a teenage girl who falls into a deep depression after her true love, Edward Cullen, leaves her. Her friendship with Jacob Black is expanded as she realizes that he can mend the hole left open by Edward

Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen, Bella's vampire boyfriend who abruptly leaves town to protect her.

Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black, a cheerful companion who eases Bella's pain over losing Edward. He reveals to Bella that he is part of a pack of werewolves whose main goal is to protect her from the vampires Laurent and Victoria

Totally off topic, but I went into the talk page for this bc I love Wikipedia editor drama and someone reviewing this page marked it as stable because it doesn’t have an editing war happening in it. I just love Wikipedia editor culture. Anyway -

In the beginning of this movie, Bella gets a paper cut at her birthday party, which is with the Cullens and not her friends, and Jasper tries to kill her. Again, we are so clearly in “the Cullens are the threat” territory but this bitch has her blinders on hard core. Edward freaks out about it ,and his family moves out of Forks to protect her. At this point, you must be saying, “how could she have stockholm syndrome if he left to protect her?” Just you wait. If you remember from before, sometimes Stockholm syndrome manifests as anxiety, being unable to relax or concentrate, and withdrawing. Well, my girl Bella goes through a major depressive episode when Edward leaves and seemingly stays in her room for months just moping around. The only reason Bella reconnects with anyone is because Charlie threatens to send her to Jacksonville to live with her mom. So, Bella goes to see a movie with Jessica. However, instead of just enjoying the movie like a normal person, she goes up to some bikers she sees on the street and gets on a fucking strangers bike so she can see a force ghost of Edward.

This entire movie is about Bella doing dangerous activities so she can see a memory of Edward even though she has a support system she could use to safely get over the breakup. Jacob tries to be a friend but ends up helping Bella do dangerous shit to see force ghost Edward. Unrelated to literally anything, Jacob goes through werewolf puberty and has to ditch Bella too. The distance doesn’t last long thought. Bella is quickly attacked by Laurent, one of the rogue vampires. You remember, the guy who discovered Bella when Edward had her out in the woods to play baseball. Remember the guy who was friends with the guy who literally almost killed Bella like a few months ago. Yes, that Laurent. The werewolves save Bella and that starts a whole other thing for these movies with the pack politics and the werewolf - vampire feud that we won’t get into.

Bella says yolo and does the dumbest shit ever - go cliff jumping alone in Washington to see her ex-boyfriend. I do want to note that Bella and Edward have known each other at this point for 6 months, and they have been apart for 6 months. Literally, they were together for less time than they have been broken up. It’s insane. And I know that I usually like to give teen romances a break because teens have big feelings and love can be all consuming at that time, but this girl is constantly in danger and depressed because of a man she has maybe kissed 3 times and is 117. Also unrelated, but this twilight wiki article on the timeline mentions that when the Cullens move away, they move to Ithaca where Jasper becomes a philosophy student?? Are you talking about the same Jasper who fought for the confederate side?? Ok yeah ok.

Anyway, Alice sees this in her vision, and Edward, thinking Bella is dead, tries to kill himself. I literally don’t care. Alice and Bella fly to Italy to save Edward. They do, and after some negotiating with the Volturi, they get to leave when they promise to eventually turn Bella into a vampire. At the end of the movie, we see Edward make what Stephanie Meyer would call a compromise and I would call a quid-pro-quo. He promises to turn her into a vampire, which is her dream, ONLY if she marries him. Remember, he is 118 at this point and she is freshly 18, but yeah pop off I guess. No weird power dynamic going on here. Definitely no reason to be worried about this relationship at all.

Our next movie is Eclipse. I would like to note that in the Eclipse talk page on Wikipedia, it is listed as a horror as is Breaking Dawn part 1… I’m gonna say that is a point in my favor too.

This movie is really just a way to exploit the love triangle of the series, but I think it illuminates the weird tension and power dynamic that Edward and Bella have together. Now that Edward and Bella have been reunited after Edward tries to (with an Italian accent and the hands 🤌🏻) kill himself, he proposes. Bella doesn’t want to get married at 18. Like thank god she has 2 brain cells in this movie. I have to note that when Edward proposes, they have been back together for 3 months, and together for a total of 10 months at the most. She is really uncertain about the whole thing, partially because she is so young and partially because her parents didn’t stick together.

Something I think is interesting in this movie is the fact that Bella legally has to be turned into a vampire to fulfill her agreement with the Volturi. If she doesn’t get turned, she will be killed by them. Edward refuses to turn Bella into a vampire unless she marries him. In a way, he is forcing Bella to chose between two options she doesn’t want: get married or get murdered by scary Dakota Fanning. She no longer has any agency in her life or her decision to become a vampire - she literally has to pick getting married. Now, because she has been tricked into falling in love with an 118 year old murderer, she thinks it will work out just fine. I just wanted to bring up that plot point because it really is so gross of Edward??

Next in Eclipse, Jacob kisses Bella, and she breaks her hand trying to punch him. At the same time, we get some training montages to prepare for the battle with Victoria, the lover of James, remember James who almost killed Bella. Yeah, well she’s a coming, and she’s bringing some fresh vampires. During the training, Jasper tells Bella about how he hated his life until he met Alice, and that is enough to convince her to marry Edward. I love when a heart to heart with a canonical confederate soldier fixes my relationship problems.

Because of Victoria and the need to force the love triangle, Jacob, Bella, and Edward go on a camping trip. While Bella tries not to die of hypothermia, Jacob gets mad about them being engaged and runs off. Bella then kisses Jacob to keep him from running away because thats how you shut people up in romance movies but also because apparently now she loves him?? Edward is like ¯\(ツ)/¯ because “he knows that she doesn’t love Jacob as much as him” and maybe also because if she chooses Jacob she will literally be murdered by the Italian vampire squad??

There is a fight and like its fine and then the Volturi remind Bella of their deal, so she chooses Edward. Again, it is great to choose your partner under duress, especially when it is entirely your partner’s fault that you are under duress. Wikipedia describes the end of this movie as follows: “Bella and Edward go to their meadow, where she tells him she has decided to do things his way: get married, have sex, then be transformed into a vampire, and that she feels complete in his world. They decide to tell Charlie about their engagement.” I always forget how important Edward’s “old fashioned views” on sex and relationships are in these movies until I rewatch. Nothing reminds me more about this 100 year age gap than Edward not wanting to take her flower before God intended. Ugh, anyway.

On to Breaking Dawn Part 1!! I hate this movie, but boy does it have a lot to discuss.

This movie opens on the wedding. Our sweet lil girl is finally marrying her 118 year old spooky boyfriend so she doesn’t get murdered! How beautiful. But before that, we get Edward admitting to Bella that he used to murder people for sport after he got turned even though Carlisle told him not to. Very cool Ed!! Bella says that its ok because he probably was saving more lives by killing these weirdos, which is another good example of siding with her captor. Side note, but Bella is all in on getting married and never seeing her friends and family again as Edward reaches peak hottie status in the series… Coincidence?

In the scenes leading up to the wedding, we see two Bellas: the one around Edward who is so sure about getting married BECAUSE she is so sure about becoming a vampire and the one around her friends and family who looks nervous and unsure about the wedding. She looks like she’s having a panic attack, especially as Charlie walks her down the aisle. That could just be because she’s shy Bella but I think maybe there is something more going on here.

At the wedding, we hear from some of the speeches from Bella’s friends and family. Emmett gives a horny ass toast. Jessica gives a crazy speech about how she is hotter than Bella. Charlie says “Edward will be a good husband. I know this because I am a cop.” which devolves into him just threatening Edward. Bella’s mom sings a lullaby that goes on for a criminal amount of time. Alice bashes Bella’s fashion sense. Esme gives a harrowing speech about protecting Bella forever.

In one of my favorite scenes of the series, we watch Jacob and Bella reconnect. I am going to include the best part after I talk about this evidence, but here Jacob says “I should be used to saying goodbye to you.” Remember how, since vampires don’t age, Bella is going to have to leave literally every single person she knows and loves to live exclusively with Edward, a man who invites endless danger and also is a creep? Woof it is hard to watch. Then, Jacob gets mad at Bella, rightfully!, for planning on getting dicked down by her vampire husband before she turns vampire.

Before she goes on her honeymoon, Bella has a tearful goodbye with her parents, who she knows she will never see again. It’s really sad?? She can hear the wolves howling and is even more sad. From here on out, Bella will only have the Cullens. She has committed herself forever to this group of people who constantly endanger her, partially because if she didn’t Michael Sheen would kill her.

Now, the rest of this movie is Bella’s pregnancy. Fun fact, she is aware of her pregnancy for less than 14 days before she gives birth. According to the book and a tiktok Twilight historian I follow, they have sex on August 14th. From August 15th to 20th, Bella is having weird dreams and eating raw chicken. On August 21st, they have sex again and 10 days later, she realizes she missed her period. When Jacob sees Bella all gross and pregnant, 7 days have gone by. Renesmee is born on 9/11. It’s WILD.

So now, this poor girl has had sex exactly twice like shes Lane from Gilmore Girls, and she’s pregnant. And guess what? Edward is like fucking EW get rid of that thing rn. This man, who was all about proper godly values, is like abort that creature. She’s like no I wanna keep this baby, and he won’t even try to be understanding. So now, Bella doesn’t even really have her husband as a support system or any of her family to get her through this. She just has the Cullen girlies until Edward can read the baby’s thoughts and he’s like oh sweet the baby means no harm on my wife who I’ve abandoned many times and also forced to leave her entire support system.

Bella dies in the most gruesome childbirth scene of all time, and Edward turns her into a vampire.

FINAL MOVIE!!! BREAKING DAWN PART 2

Most of this movie is irrelevant. However, in the beginning, we get my actual favorite scene in all of twilight [you imprinted on my daughter??]. Edward is SO HOT, peak hot one could argue, in this movie. Now that Bella is fully indoctrinated into the Cullen family, Edward becomes as hot as possible. His total mind takeover is complete.

Anyway, this movie really reminds us of the impact the Cullens have had on isolating Bella. Charlie is desperate to know anything about Bella’s health and where she is, btu the Cullens are like yo - we gotta move and never talk to him again. We gotta pack our bags and move away. Jacob is like thats absolute bullshit so he snitches to Charlie. He doesn’t tell him everything so it seems to be ok? They say that Renesme is adopted and Bella is no longer sick, so its gucci.

The rest of the movie is just about the Volturi bullshit and Alice girlbossing until Bella, Edward, and Renesme get to be a happy family, totally cut off from the outside world.

To recap, people who have Stockholm syndrome have:

Positive feelings toward the captors or abusers aka the Cullens

Sympathy for their captors’ beliefs and behaviors aka Edward being a stalker and a murderer and a pedophile

Negative feelings toward police or other authority figures aka Charlie and the werewolf pack when they warn against being with the Cullens

Other symptoms are similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and include:

Flashbacks like all of the ones she had in Twilight and the force ghost projections in New Moon

Feeling distrustful, irritated, jittery or anxious which only gets worse in Bella as she spends more time with the Cullens.

Can’t relax or enjoy things that you previously enjoyed - this bitch is on edge all the time and everything in her life has become life or death at 18.

Trouble concentrating - you know it, especially in New Moon.

Over time, we watch Edward get hotter as Bella feels more and more tied with the Cullens. When she has no other way of surviving, she marries Edward and then is removed from her community forever. She can’t even share the miracle of her becoming a mother with anyone. It is upsetting to watch, and that’s why I believe this franchise is actually a horror story warning us about Stockholm Syndrome.

Closing Statement

Honorable members of the jury, I am sorry that I put you through this today. I can’t say what compelled me to do this other than grad school procrastination and a recent hyperfixation on Twilight. I hope you can all look at this movie with a clinical eye, as doctors recognized by the court today, and see that yes, Edward put Bella in danger many times and yes, she thought he was hotter every time he revealed something fucking heinous about himself. We should all watch these films not as romances, but as warnings. Don’t fall in love with weird loners who are 117 years old. Don’t join a family with a confederate soldier. It will only cause you irreperable psychological damage and physical pain and also give you a weird baby that your ex-lover imprints on. Please don’t find me guilty of bad taste for believing Twilight is a Stockholm Syndrome horror film.

[compassionatereminders]

Not expecting advice or anything, just getting some stuff off my chest. TW for mentions of suicide (I am currently safe and relatively stable, dw)

I recently had basically my entire life uprooted all at once, lost everything, a long-term serious relationship and most of my close friends, all over one tiny misunderstanding that got out of hand (in retrospect I've realized they were an extremely unhealthy group to be in, being an outsider has kind of opened my eyes to just how toxic their behavior, and mine too because I was part of it, was. Not just within the group but towards so many other people. I feel disgusted at myself for not realizing it sooner and putting my foot down. I guess it's karma, now I'm the one who's suffering at their hands.

But even with how toxic they were, they were still my best friends and losing them was hard.)

It's harder to try to stand back up from that than I know how to put into words. I've tried to end my life more than once since then. I keep trying to rebuild my life but I don't know how to. I'm trying so hard to find things to be passionate about but I can't feel excited or lastingly happy about anything anymore. Not only that but my ex and my former friends keep spreading horrible lies about me and everyone believes them. I get banned and ostracized everywhere I go, and almost every day I find out more people I thought were my friends have cut me off without a word because things they've been told about me. Any time I try to defend myself it gets used against me so I don't even bother anymore. I wish I could just "log off" but disability makes it extremely hard to navigate the real world.

I suppose I'm getting better at coping and I haven't been suicidal in a while. I have a small handful of friends left who have stood by me and I know I can trust and who won't backstab me at the drop of a hat and I love and appreciate them more than I can describe.

But at the same time it feels like I'm just existing. I'm afraid something has permanently broken in me and I'll never be able to be truly, lastingly happy again.

That's how it feels when something or someone breaks your heart, and it often takes a long time to put yourself back together and rediscover joy. But the fact that it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean that it isn't happening and that you'll always feel this way. Healing will come, and you will find a way to move on. I don't mean to invalidate how terrible the start of such a journey can be and how hard it can be to keep pushing forward, but I promise you that this isn't actually the end for you. It is terrible that this is happening, but you WILL find your way through it. And in the meantime I'm sending my love!

[222thinkin0utloud666]

The 20’s loneliness and the feeling that everyone is leaving and growing up and you are stuck

Today I am feeling a little reflexive, I don’t know if it is because I’m getting my period in a couple of days, so I wanted to write somethings down.

This year I’m turning 21, and everything feels wrong. I am at my 3rd year of law school, I just finished my first internship of 10 months, even though it seems like I’ll have a very promising future I just can’t wrap around my head that I’ll ever be happy living like this, working at a law firm. I failed 2 classes, so this semester I’ll have 10 classes instead of 8, won’t be able to work again, won’t be making any money, and without my job I’ll just be very much alone most of the time.

Being alone is something that it really bothers me, it’s just something that I can’t be comfortable, I don’t know if it is because in high school, I used to have a huge friend group, and we would all live super close to each other and go out every single day, my mom even used to say that I had “wheels on my feet”. At high school I also had a relationship with a guy that was on and off for the past 4 years, but back then we used to see each other every day or a least once a week and now we are literally neighbors, and we don’t even speak to each other anymore.

My best friends from high school all found boyfriends now, so let’s talk a little bit about that, and specially, about my best best best friend, let’s call her D- that I have a matching tattoo with - that started dating last year. She changed SO MUCH, we barely speak to each other anymore, she spends every second with her boyfriend and, I think this is the hardest part, I feel like, because we were each other’s person, we would do anyfuckingthing you could imagine for each other, and it seems/feels like she just tossed me out, and now I’m useless and so fucking replaceable. My other best friend from high school also started dating last year, and it was totally different, she has her boyfriend, sees him almost every day but literally nothing changed in our friendship because it’s our friendship. For her, I’m not something she can use when it suits, and it is convenient and then throw it away, everything is the same.  I guess me and D didn’t survive the great war.

So now I’m left alone, no boyfriend, no best friend that lives around, no nothing, just myself. And it fucking sucks.

I think the idea that I must be with myself forever it’s just unbearable to me, I don’t love myself, I don’t like the way I look, but I don’t have the energy to change it. I can’t do anything unless I feel pretty - that’s means straight hair, pounds of makeup, tight clothes - and I am the worst person, super negative.

I really wish that I would be the type that sees the good in everything, is super happy and bubbly, and positive about every situation, but I am not. Since I was very young, my dad used to make all these promises and dream super big, and my mom would come and give me a reality check and say that I was crazy if I believed what my father says. I think that made me double that anything good could ever be true and happen. So, I would think that “hope is for dumb people who aren’t prepared for the future”, and now I’m this logical machine that can’t even express feelings towards people. It makes a lot of sense to why I am at law school now.

And the worst part is that I hate it. I hate that I can’t react or recreate/express my emotions. I really really wish I could show how much I love people, but I’m just so scared all the time of showing things and then getting attached and being left alone again, it is just so fucking hard to trust someone, and by being this way I end up hurting a lot of people who just wanted to give me love, and I couldn’t accept it, it’s literally just as Taylor described “I broke his heart because he was nice. He was sunshine, I was midnight rain, he wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain”, and, as Tate described “Feel back when you got closer, after I just put you right through hell, you couldn’t hate me more than I hate myself. I’d always act so selfish, at shit I hadn’t dealt with, so off I go to hurt you again”.

I think that I’m just scared that I’ll never be able to open to someone and I swear that I’m trying so hard to be positive, and trust people, and it just seems that it doesn’t matter what I do, it’s just never enough. If even my fucking best friend, the person I trusted the most, and who used to be my safe place where I felt at home, can just dump me and trade me for someone, why would anyone else stay?

I just really miss my old life, my friends from school, even miss the years that covid took from my “college experience”. Everything is moving so fucking fast and everyone is growing and moving forward, and it feels like I’m stuck, standing still while my world is falling apart and everyone else is the best. They are working, dating, going out, travelling, and I just stay here.  

After all of this vent, I just think that I miss having a person, over these past few years I lost a lot of friends that were so important for me duo something so dumb and literally stupid, and I really miss them. I wish I could go back and change so many things, it’s like a pledge of loyalty to someone who doesn’t even care about me anyone and because of that I lost so many people that were so important to me and I think would be by my side till this day. It’s just very shitty to see how this little things and decisions can change and affect so much of the future.

I think everyone has a point in their life where they feel so lost, and alone, and it doesn’t matter what they do, it’ll never enough and this weird feeling won’t go away. My life till the pandemic was so good, and now I think I’m living my rock bottom, this sounds so dramatic, and it is, but I’ve got a whole future and adult life knocking on my door, and I feel like I’m drowning and can’t catch a break.

I just need everything to stop moving so fast.

[clever-fandom-reference]

Tw // rant, eating disorder, familial issues, discussion of trauma; all below the cut

So, I only recently figured out just how deep seeded my food-related trauma went. There are two facets: the ‘trying new things’ trauma, and the ‘eating around other people’ trauma. The first one is easier to explain.

I was recently informed that I, in all likelihood, have Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID). Texture sensitivity is a HUGE factor in whether or not I can eat a food, and when I end up experiencing a Bad Texture, my body’s physical reaction to it is often so extreme and overwhelming that I can start gagging, coughing, crying, etc. and often could also only be described as being emotionally scarring. Furthermore, it’s incredibly difficult to predict if a certain food will be an issue BEFORE actually attempting to eat it. This combination makes the task of Trying New Foods have the potential of being DEEPLY unpleasant and usually downright terrifying. Now, I understand the importance of good nutrition, and nevertheless I do try by best to keep an acceptable and balanced diet that includes all of the necessary food groups to keep my body functioning properly, so it’s not as if my diet is unhealthy, it’s just not very diverse.

Even still, people, my parents in particular, are so insistent to have me “widen my culinary palate” and “try new foods”. And as much as I try to explain that “no, it’s not as easy as just taking a bite of something and finding out, because there’s always the looming potential that the experience will end with me regurgitating the contents of my stomach out onto the floor”, there’s no convincing them to lay off. And in the situations where I end up giving in, and the even rarer situations where I end up LIKING what they’re essentially force feeding me, all I get in response is passive aggressive praise: “The wonders of actually trying new things!” And “Wow. Shocking. Opening yourself up to new experiences can help you find things you like. Imagine that.” So even if I DO end up finding a new food a like, I get ridiculed and talked down on anyway, which is not exactly the most motivating reaction.

The second thing is a little more general and a lot less clinical, so bear with me:

Especially when it’s a meal I’ve prepared myself, I can’t eat around other people. It seems that any time I eat and someone happens to witness, I get either criticize, made fun of, questioned, interrogated, or ridiculed. My method of going about eating a meal is INCREDIBLY segmental. I eat things one thing at a time, and that includes things that are traditionally assembled and eaten together by design of the meal itself. For instance: take a typical turkey and cheese sandwich - made up of turkey, a few slices of cheese, and bread - nothing else. That is my typical, go-to quick lunch. What I do is I make the sandwich, let the separate ingredients all sit, and then eat the cheese first, the sliced deli turkey second, and the bread last. Point is, I put all of the ingredients together and then take them apart again and eat them separately. Anyone who then witnesses this process then usually looks at me like I’m a crazy person and takes my action of wanting to enjoy my meal in a way that, to others, is unorthodox and absurd, as an invitation to start demanding an explanation as to why I must do it in such a way. And even people whom I consider close friends make it a statement to point out how STRANGE my eating habits are any time they witness them.

It’s not just the WAY I eat my meals, either. I’ll get incredulous remarks on the content of my meals all the time (“are you really eating a sandwich with ONLY turkey and cheese on it!?!?”). This is especially frequent when I’m at home with my parents, who already disapprove of my culinary variety (or lack thereof). It’s gotten so bad in recent years that if I hear one of them in the kitchen or dining room during mealtimes, I simply won’t go out of my room to eat. I would genuinely rather skip a meal and go hungry, then have to face the ridicule and judgement that trying to acquire and consume sustenance in their presence would bring.

[taegularities]

Hello lovely Rid 💕💕

(I somehow forgot if I already sent you this exact ask earlier today, so if I did feel free to ignore this one lol)

So there's not actually much to the crush situation but I'll still, in my usual style, ramble about it lol.

I think I mentioned to you once or twice about one guy from uni who has long hair and I find really pretty. I hung out with him and a mutual friend of ours once during and after an exam that we had to wait a long time for.

I've basically tentatively started calling him my crush in my head lol. Even though it's a pretty superficial one, which isn't what I usually do since I tend to only develop crushes on people I know well. But it is fun to have a more superficial one once in a while too yk.

Our friendgroups overlap a bit and so I talk to him sometimes in group settings and stuff. He seems like a good guy tbh, the way I would describe him is like good humoured? like quick to smile or laugh at people's jokes if that makes sense? friendly but also quiet and introverted at the same time? Yeah, that kind of vibe.

It's not anything that deep though and knowing myself it won't ever be since I can't make a move on someone to save my life lol. The fear of rejection is so real and it doesn't help that I've felt my social anxiety spiking since I started uni 😬😬😬

Most likely he'll just stay one of those pretty people you just stare at wistfully sometimes lmao. Although I'm not trying to count anything out and I'm open to all possibilities.

(Also I know I keep using the word pretty a million times but it's literally my favourite word in the English language for some reason and I love using it)

Oh yeah, and apparently he's started smoking now which is just a fun fact I found out about yesterday lmao. Can't say I'm a fan of smoking, but I am a fan of people doing whatever the hell they want, so no judgement from me lol.

That's basically the tea, which is lukewarm at best. I hope your day's going/went well and I'm sending you hugs and love as always 💞💞💞

HELLO OMG, apologies, i'm the worst but i'm ready to talk about crushes now :')

oh yes, i remember the maneskin guy :D ahhh, demiromantic/demisexuals ftw !! i understand that crushes can be fun, and i definitely think you should enjoy it as long as it's enjoyable lmao but should he end up breaking your heart in any way, i'll be ready with torches. just so you know :)

also i love how good humoured, quick to smile, friendly but quiet and introverted reminds me of another man... seems like you have a type, don't you? 👀 lol but no these are the best kind of people; i think it'd be nice for you to maintain this friendship, even if it remains just that. bc these days it's truly hard to find friends, especially those who actually care about being your friend? does that make sense? so i'm glad you've been enjoying it; if it develops into something more, i'll be super happy (don't forget us, though >:(), but don't worry about first moves for now !! <3

awh, and your opinion about his smoking habit is so refreshing!! i love all the tea, gimme all of it, even if it's lukewarm lmaooo. also, i'm assuming you're back from your trip? i hope you had the best time and are doing well, love. don't let uni stress you out too much !! love you, always 💕

[universeofchirai]

I am constantly drifting away from my uni friends and I've started to think that I just don't really belong in this. I see a rather lonesome path ahead to be honest and I am not sure how to feel about it. I have good friends that I will continue to have but that's my childhood/school friends - you know what let's give aliases to these people. So there's salt and mist, these are my very best friends in fact. There's also pretzel who I am not really close to at all but they're up there being a strange person that I'm rather comfortable with in general.

These people I know I can rely on and they have my back, I can always fall back to them. But, as the days pass, I feel the distance between me and my college friend group just increasing. I've tried to patch things up but at the end of it all, it all seems very forced and just I'm sort of tired of all of this. This isn't working out really well and it really feels like too much effort to keep this up as a whole. It's this person Monte that I cannot simply go well with. We just don't vibe well. Then their partner Sirrup is someone I can vibe with somewhat but I just don't feel as comfortable or close to them at all tbh. There's Endor who I'm probably the closest to among the college friends and I probably would remain so. Not really the most comfort person but you know what, it's actually still pretty nice to stay w them. Aside from that there's Luke, who I can vibe with somewhat too but not really close either. There's no other people I am even remotely close to here.

I have questioned this to myself multiple times already, whether it's even worth keeping my relations with Monte and I can't quite decide. It's not like we haven't had good times but whenever I try to remember about my moments with them, it's the negative ones that keep outweighing and engulfing my perception.

I don't know man I really just feel rather sad and pretty isolated in a way. I don't know if I'm the one who's incompetent or is it valid to be disappointed and feel the way I described above.

All of this is so messed up I want someone to just hold tight and dear and just be myself with them without worrying about anything. Yea not happening I know but a creature can hope, and die with the hope really.

I want to just be happy with someone for a while, happy from inside out, not just happy about something specific for a while. I want to learn to be able to happy and enjoy vacations. I want to not feel existential every time I get some time off of my work.

[bruins35]

Overnight Diary Entry No. 4

Hello void, I'm really enjoying writing these up, but tonight I honestly don't know what to type about. I might just ramble a little tonight if that's okay with you Void.

Something one of my best friends brought up to me is when I apparently crush on someone I get weird about it. I don't really know what she meant by that? She tried to briefly describe it, but I didn't really get what she was trying to say. We shall call this friend Spanish.

Anyways the most recent one Spanish said this happened with was young lady who's in her early 20's which makes me at least 10 years older than her maybe slightly more. We'll call her Leia, and to be fair Leia is a gorgeous woman, but to put it bluntly I know I'm not their type, I don't really think we'd have much in-common, and like I said I'm a bit older than her. I'm almost in my mid 30s now (I'm 33).

Honestly, when I meet any of Spanish's girlfriends I just try to be really nice and kind. If we're at bar, concert, or HHN I'll offer to buy them a drink. I'm truly not trying to flirt with them, and to be fair, I've been out of the dating game for so long I really don't know how to flirt any more. So, I don't know if that's what she means by me being weird? Or if truly am trying to flirt that it's so bad that it's weird than yeah I definitely get.

I will say we all did hang out recently, and went to a music festival. I heard Leia was going through a bad time, so their was moments she looked straight up depressed. So, me being the older person of the group, I vowed to myself to keep an eye on her, since Spanish's husband can and will be their for her.

Well, unfortunately, we had several awkward moments where whenever I'd look to see how she was doing she'd look at me the same time. Needless to say this happened several times, and now I definitely thinking she probs finds me fucking creep or something. Which wasn't what I was going for. If there is one thing I will say is, I probably care for people too much even if I'm not close to them. I worry for my best friends friends, it's just who I am. I grew up not having really any friends until high school.

When I get friends, I end up caring about their friends too even if they don't know me or know me well. Fuck, even recently Spanish brought up about a friend that I never heard of really was going through some really tough times and I asked if they were okay, and if there's anything I could do. It's just who I am, I want to help even if there's nothing I truly could do about it.

Any ways, I don't think I have anything really to add to this right now, but I will say maybe in a entry soon I'll talk about how Spanish and I used to hate each others guts, but are now like siblings lol