#< just in case i change my mind and at some point want to erase it lmao

[seariii]

@eslover so.... tumblr doesnt allow to send audios on dms (lame) and i dont wanna invade your beautiful art

but lower the volume just in case. its a difficult song with highs and didnt do warm ups, so, just, dont judge too hard pls

[madridfangirl]

A Weekend in Ibiza - Part 2

(Jude Bellingham blurb)

(Part 1, Part 3, Part 4)

2.6k words. Jude*female reader. Suggestive language.

A/n - When we don't get Jude holiday content, we make shit up

.............................................................................

The cold shower calmed your nerves and cleared your head. The fog lifted from the brain, replaced with fury. 

That fucker, that assholic fucker, really thought he could play you like this? Just waltz into your peaceful space & bend you to his will?

What a sad, little life he lived if that’s the kind of people he was surrounded with. 

Oh, you were gonna show him his place. Real good.

What you did next shocked you. But propriety had gone out of the window the moment he turned this into a battle of wits, dragging you in as an unwilling participant.

Jude was done with Round 2 & was lounging on the deck when he heard his spare phone buzz. He lazily felt around the surface for his waist bag, too blissed out to move. The naked woman lying half on top of him, feeding him grapes was a factor too.

What he saw made him rub his eyes & sit upright. The woman whined at the interruption, which he barely registered.

‘Naa I am busy. Going snorkelling with this one.’ 

Attached was the back image of a man. A big, well built, shirtless, heavily muscular, glossy skinned, wet man. A surfer’s body. 

‘And who is he?’

‘Met him on the beach just now. Said he wanted to show me a few things. Am gonna let him.’

That was a sucker punch to the gut that he didn’t see coming.

‘You are bluffing.’

‘Yeah? Want me to send you a pic after? Don’t think we’ll find a bed but a remote island maybe?’

He called you. Disconnected in the first ring. He called again. Same result.

‘Don’t do this. It’s not safe.’

‘I am a big girl, I can handle myself.’

‘What happened to the no casual sex policy?’

‘A girl can change her mind. CERTAINLY for a guy like that.’

‘Rubbish - he looks OLD.’

‘Word you are looking for is experienced. A MAN, not some little boy fresh out of his teens.’

‘Look, I’ll stop if you stop.’

‘Never asked you to stop. Never asked you for ANYTHING. Infact, I explicitly told you to go with the woman throwing herself at you.’

‘HE WONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOU.’

‘I’ll find out soon, won’t I? Hope he likes my new swimsuit.’

Jude resisted the urge to throw his phone in the water. The woman looked at him curiously as he paced around the deck.

Confrontation wasn’t helping his case, so he changed tact.

‘Listen, we got off on a non-ideal note. I can see that. But we can talk this through. I’ll come back right now, yeah? Just give me like 15 mins.’

‘1) The world does not revolve around you 2) Actions have consequences 3) Chris is waiting & I am going to him now. Will be MIA for a few hours. Bye.’

Jude called again. You didn’t pick up. He left one final, desperate message.

‘Please don’t do this. I am sorry. You can get back at me in other ways. Please.’

You smiled victoriously as you looked at his plea. Two please and a sorry in one sentence. Ergo, mission accomplished. Who knew a picture of Chris Hemsworth in your gallery would come in so handy one day. Oh, the benefits of thirsting.

Putting your phone on airplane mode (to let him stew further), you got under the covers, still in your bathrobe, and drifted off to a peaceful afternoon nap.

Complete contradiction to his state.

Jude was struggling to wrap his head around what just happened. And why it was bothering him so much. He stripped to his briefs and jumped in the cool, crystal blue water. To erase the images plaguing his mind. Of you in your swimsuit. Of you and that horny geriatric fucker.

At one point he even looked around the water, trying to look for the snorkelling spots. Then cursed himself for being reduced to that. 

The current was brisk, numbing him enough to think straight. All wasn’t lost. Not yet. He just needed to come up with a better move. A different move. Coz you were different, it had been well established. The rebuttal did bruise his ego, he admitted to himself, but he was still sure he wasn’t wrong in sensing your attraction. It just needed the right nudge to bring you to him.

He emerged from the water, enthused again, and the woman rushed to him, offering to help him de stress & unwind from whatever was bothering him. Jude was never gonna pass up on a quick head in the loo. As he thrusted into her mouth, he found himself wishing it to be you.

If only you had been that easy. But then, the chase won’t be as fun, the anticipation not as deep. Plus he was certain your affections couldn’t be gained from fame, money or expensive gifts. You’d probably throw them in his face if he attempted that. 

He wondered if things would be different if you knew who he was. That there was a different side to him too. An idea struck him then, right at the peak of his orgasm.

You woke up after 3 long blissful hours, stretching your limbs, still burrowed under the covers, and put your phone off airplane mode.

One message from him, from an hour ago.

‘Atleast tell me you are back safely.’

The change in tone did not go unnoticed and you figured this merited a response. 

‘Just got done. Exhausted. Gonna sleep it off now.’

Letting the innuendo hang in the air, you ordered your evening cappuccino & croissant, enjoying them in your private balcony overlooking the waters. And played your favourite music, as you watched the evening sun cast patterns in the sky. Splurging for this room was turning out to be a great decision after all.

Curiosity got the better of you then, and you succumbed to googling him, to know more about this ridiculous/ridiculously handsome creature.

When you looked, you prayed you hadn’t. The guy wasn’t just atrociously hot, but he was many other things. Damn good at his day job (excellence at work was your primary turn-on). Well spoken & articulate (wtf happened to him today then?). Wholesome with his family (your number 2 turn-on). Unbelievably amazing with kids (you could jump from the balcony right now with the number of boxes he was ticking). And just generally affable & affectionate to everyone around.

You scrolled & scrolled through countless reels, & wondered which was the real him. The dickhead he was this morning or this angelic creature loved by all & sundry? Everyone seemed to swear by him. Did you catch him on a bad day then? Or was this a carefully crafted public persona to fool the world?

You kept going back to that one video with kids, which was melting your insides. 

That, and another one with him being abrasive on the pitch, picking up fights. Some would have called it cocky, and it was, but it was also inexplicably hot? Knee-wobbling hot? It was the same cockiness he had this morning but that had put you off. This video, though, was making your head spin. Giving him a power you never wished for him to have over you. And his body, oh god that body, plus the way he carried that attitude. 

You quickly threw the phone away, hoping you weren’t in too deep already. Consciously reminding yourself what an entitled prick he had been and how furious it had made you.

Needing an immediate distraction, you called home & listened to your 4 year old nephew babble for a good 30 mins. And your mom telling you all the news from back home for another 30 mins. 

Dinner was the next distraction. You took your time in picking a delicacy, settled on paella, a glass of wine and put on a comfort movie on Netflix as you enjoyed your dinner in bed. For some reason, you were avoiding going outside.

It was 10 pm, the sun had finally set making it feel like night time. No more messages from him since the last one to check on you. Which was a good thing. Which is what you wanted. Right? 

Yes, of course. Finally you were rid of him. He must be out, doing something, or someone. Far far away from you.

A quick look at his Insta won’t hurt, would it? It would just confirm his whereabouts, so you can finally be at peace, away from him.

One new post. From 2 hours ago. Captioned ‘Making memories’. A bunch of pics from his day - sunbathing at the yacht, lunch with friends, frolicking in the water & sun-set. Carefully avoiding any hint of the women she knew were a part of his entourage. Just the guy friends made it to post, making you roll your eyes loudly.

When you reached the last pic though, you did a double take. For the second time today, the glass nearly dropped from your hands.

The pic had a glass of wine, and a tissue paper next to it. You could tell it was the same tissue they had used to exchange notes - it was in a blurred background, difficult to spot for others but you could make out your handwriting. And his.

Tagged to it was a song - Can’t we start over again.

You questioned your grip on reality as you read the lyrics of the song.

I know I’ve caused you pain.

Took you for granted.

I’ve been such a fool.

Can’t we start over again?

What the holy fuck was this? What in the name of god was he playing at?

Half-mad, half dazed, you quickly dialled his number. It rang & rang for eternity, he picked up on the last ring.

‘Missed me?’

It just hit you that you were hearing his voice for the first time. It was deeper & huskier than you had imagined. But you quickly regained control of the situation.

‘Are you mad? Are you totally completely mad?’

‘Saw the post, huh?’

‘Damn right I did. Seriously, what were you thinking? What if your horde of fans put two & two together? What if people start assembling here to inquire? God, what if people find that waiter? Jude, what did you do?’

You started to hyperventilate, pacing around the room.

‘Ok. Take a deep breath & listen to me, yeah? No one knows we are talking, not even my friends. The waiter I tipped handsomely to forget about what happened. The note is blurred, no one can make out what’s written other than you & me. All others will see is just a glass of wine on a holiday. And a reminiscing song which can be for anyone. Or maybe they’ll think I am drunk. There is zero way to trace it back to you. Heck, even I don’t know your name yet. So relax. I won’t compromise your privacy when you made it clear how important that was to you.’

His soothing voice, coupled with unassailable logic, calmed you instantly. You could almost laugh at how you had overreacted. Almost. You weren’t gonna tell him that.

‘Are you with me?’

‘Umm yeah, guess you are right.’

You could hear music blaring in the background. He must be out partying at some club when you rudely interrupted him. You were about to ask him to go back to what he was doing before he chimed in.

‘So, did you have fun today?’

You rolled your eyes at his roundabout attempt to ask what he really wanted to ask. Well, two can play this game.

‘Oh yeah. Great day, super relaxing, after a long time.’

‘Ended too quickly, no?’

‘Excuse me?’

‘Well, if you were with me, no way we would be done in just 3 hours. No way you would be alone tonight, checking out another man online.’

He had just shown you how you were an amateur in the game he was a pro in. Honestly, you hadn’t even anticipated this line of thought. But clearly he had. In the same way he knew you would check him out online. Damn him, to the moon & back.

‘Told you he looked geriatric. Did he even…?’

‘Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Not another word on this.’

Your breath was laboured by now. What gave you solace was that his was ragged at the other end too. He wasn’t unaffected either. Both were silent for a bit. He broke it eventually. 

‘I meant what I said in the post. Shouldn’t have done what I did. Not to you. Wasn’t really thinking straight.’

‘Not to ANYONE.’

He had the good sense to stay quiet and not point out that it worked with others.

‘Yes. Can we get past it? I feel like I have been rejected enough for one day.’

You couldn’t stop yourself from chuckling, & he caught the shift in your mood.

‘Maybe.’

Now that was a window he didn’t think he was gonna get. And was extremely pleased with himself for getting here.

‘I’ll take that. Now, you know damn well I want you. And I know you are thinking about me too. Don’t start denying it, that wasn’t a question. Why are you fighting this, baby?’

Again he was cutting straight to the chase. This time though, it didn’t annoy you. It made you nervous, as you twisted & turned in your bed.

‘I told you why.’

You said softly, surprised at the tone of your voice.

‘Let me come over there & change your mind.’

‘I..I don’t know, Jude.’

He gripped a nearby pole harshly at the way his name sounded in your voice. 

‘Tell me, do I make you nervous?’

The accent was thicker now, making him even sexier. Making you bury your head in the pillow.

‘The situation makes me nervous.’

‘But me too?’

A pregnant pause. Then, a faint whisper.

‘Yes.’

‘I won’t do anything you aren’t ready for - trust me. Heck, knowing you, you’d probably kick me out naked if I try anything like that.’

You sighed into the pillow, and had no idea what these sounds were doing to him.

‘Aren’t you curious? Haven’t you pictured us together in bed, naked & wrapped around each other? Coz that’s all I have been doing since morning.’

‘Jude….please..’

‘Think of it as an adventure, yeah? A weekend in Ibiza that both of us would remember. We are wasting precious time, baby girl. Please, just please let me come to you right now & show you a good time.’

He had laid all his cards on the table, and waited for your response. Like it was judgement day.

You breathed heavily into the pillow, as you arrived at your decision.

‘Not tonight.’

‘WHAT?’

‘Not tonight.’

You could hear him breathe raggedly at the other end.

‘So, tomorrow then?’

‘I…don’t know, not yet.’

‘You are seriously gonna leave me hanging like this?’

‘I am sure you can find ways to distract & humour yourself in the meantime.’

More heavy breathing from him.

‘Are you a professional torturer of some kind? If not, you are in the wrong line.’

‘Thanks for the suggestion, I will think about it. Now, go back to your party.’

‘HANG ON. Are you for real?’

‘Very much. Now, be a good boy & let me think, yes? Bye, Jude.’

You blew a kiss into the phone & disconnected it, leaving him squirming & stunned at the other end.

................................................................................................

Hoping and praying this delivered the tension & takedown you all so vociferously wanted :))

There will be a Part 3 and I swear it will have smut 😂

Feel free to drop in your asks / suggestions for the next chapter - I moulded this chapter on the overwhelming sentiment in the asks :)

[99redragons]

Wow, I agonized over this post way too long. Here it is, finally. I was gonna make this a reblog but i think since it's referencing multiple posts (and boy it got super long and added a related theory) this is better on its own. This is furthering @gin-juice-tonic's analysis of the tBoB journal pages. Heavy tBoB spoilers, and warning for the darker content it has. (some swearing too) I'm convinced now they're a warped version of events and downright fake for some, however, I believe many are real.

...But did Ford remember them? "I can delete memories randomly, just for fun. Maybe I already have." I do NOT think Bill could erase everything. He probably can only erase small/recent sections. But this is a big part of my theory.

But first, Gin's points. (using some of your pics for this Gin, hope you dont mind) I'm not going to post every journal page, but I'll give a ref for ones that seem important.

Okay, this is the post that actually convinced me (went through the links from tapas, the first is sure suspicious, but the second has pretty compelling evidence.) Ford referred to Fiddleford as F through the whole of journal 3 (aside from in code), and Bill as his Muse until the reveal, he wouldn't suddenly change the way he refers to people, even if he planned to rip out the pages, in which case, why would you write them in the first place?

On the first link (this one), this appears to be an embellished story. When you look at it from bill's perspective, he's reminiscing. He lies to himself. He's making it seem like Ford and Bill hit it off immediately, and while in a way, they did, it probably wasn't like this. I'll buy Ford used Cipher's line back at him, but the jovial way they banter is just so Bill. Ford would emphasize how he felt, the mysteries he was thinking about, his reverence for his Muse. He probably wouldn't recount it line for line when he was so secretive in journal 3. Bill makes it seem like they were more like equals, when in reality he likely relished the devotion and divine status Ford attributed to him. Also, "Cipher Speaks" is in Bill's handwriting from the sticky notes. could be coincidence? I think not. 'Ford' also describes it as the "GREATEST. DAY. OF MY LIFE." This mirrors bill's earlier statements about the reader's life being forever changed after meeting bill. According to Bill, meeting him is the highest moment of anyone's life, right?

In an additional post, Gin explains how Bill didn't tell Ford he was from another dimension. Ford had to find that out at the betrayal. So, all this taken, those two pages at least are fake.

For the third link, this one, while from Doylist perspective, Alex wanted the book to have fun little callbacks, from Watsonian, Bill simply can't help himself. Bill loves trying to be funny. He's trying to keep the reader hooked, and keeping the story interesting through callbacks is one way to do that. Some of these are Bill, some are self-referential because Bill's talking about real events from the past. (rats, cipherite suit, Small World cassette, we'll get to those later)

Bill has a habit of telling the truth through his lies. What I mean by that is, if he is repeating himself through actions or words, it's probably because there's some truth to it. If he's contradicting himself, there's something he's hiding. He'll claim he has no weaknesses, but later admit he does. He'll say he has no exes, only to reference exes later. So, we can glean truths from the lies he's telling in the pages.

I think Alex is a good enough writer to keep Ford and his writing (mostly) in character. He's made retcons/continuity errors before, but he knows the fandom will pick apart everything and find them, and will have a reason for it. There's definitely some fake pages, which begs the question, which are real?

One detail I want to point out is the vignette/burn marks on the edges of some of the pages. My secondary theory is about these. (And no, it doesn't indicate they were fake.) I'll explain later.

Assumptions/disclaimers: The pages we're shown are roughly chronological, though skip forward where surviving J3 pages would go. Pages aren't realistically double-sided like they would be in J3, these are inserted into tBoB magically. I don't have a blacklight version of J3, so I'm probably missing a little bit of context there. References J3 quite a few times, so this post works best if you are able to reference both books. I can go into detail and post more pictures for any sections that aren't clear.

First off, 'Lost in the woods'. This one I believe is real, because Ford's (author's cipher) codes are in it. This code is consistently used in the book whenever Ford inserts a page, even on the moth. For Bill to use this code would break the established pattern Alex has made. However, I agree with Gin that Bill intentionally placed this page to establish Ford as lonely, and thus make Bill look better for befriending him in contrast. I don't think it's that odd for Ford to talk about his social awkwardness, he talks about his childhood bullying pretty frankly, specifically on a page meant to be an author's About Me. However, he did rip this one out, so I think he was trying to ignore his feelings by hiding this page. No vignette.

'Cipher speaks', as we've discussed, is likely a fake/altered meeting. Vignettes on both pages. On the second page you can see where it looks burnt in one corner, and there's even tear marks like there's a page missing there, perhaps their real first meeting. It's also strange for Ford to draw himself like that.

'My Muse & Me'- Ford refers to Bill as his Muse again. Despite my doubts (I went back and forth on this one), I think this one has to be real. We find on the website computer (code: Fordtramarine) that Ford tried to submit a paper on fordtramarine. In that paper he refers to an 'extradimensional entity' and 'two-dimensional'. He shouldn't know that Bill is interdimensional at this point, so Ford must mean 'outside of physical reality', as in, the astral plane. Though, there's a painting of 'a muse' in the paper. Wasn't Bill supposed to be secret? Perhaps he thought he could get away with that small reference? Perhaps this paper was submitted more recently? I don't like the idea that things from the website are also fake, since it would be strange for Bill to have such narrative control there. The website seems to reveal things Bill can't control, even if Bill is talking. This page also establishes more timeline. This is saying that not only could Bill freely move in and out of Ford's mind within a year, he had full access to alter it as well, ahead of their deal before the test. This page is probably to make it seem appealing to let Bill into your mind. It also serves a purpose of showing us Ford had let Bill fully into his mind at this point in the story Bill's weaving. I am curious why would Ford hide this only to submit a paper on it, just to keep his Muse secret? And those damn red triangles, did Bill draw those, implying he could possess Ford before their deal? No burns/vignette. The neighboring pages both have it, why not this one?

June 15th- There is direct dialogue from Bill quoted, however, he refers to Bill as his Muse. Wouldn't Ford be creeped the hell out by the rat thing, and be alarmed that Bill possessed things just to kill them? I think this page was real, but was ripped out by Bill. Heavy vignette.

(Sorry for the poor quality, my phone camera is awful)

At this point I should explain: I think the burn/vignette represents Bill 'burning away' memories/altering them. Ford's memories, but possibly even the reader's. I want to be clear; I don't mean Bill erased the entire memory of the page, I mean Bill erased at least some part of those events. When it's heavy around the edges, heavier manipulation. It also could indicate which ones Bill burned/destroyed. More evidence for this later.

Karaoke page- How did Bill convince Ford to drink with him after the rat thing? Bill made him forget it was Bill. "The rats were his idea?" Yeah, he told you that right away, why did he need to tell you again? While probable this happened, the writing from Ford is sus. "This Bill guy, he's really got it all figured out"? Sounds a bit like Bill talking. The drawing is strangely detailed, too. 'Dancing queen' (disco girl's parody origin) was released in '76, so that lines up time wise, at least. Likely altered/created to make Bill seem friendlier. Either could have destroyed this one if there was a real version. Vignette.

A Voice from the Past spread- He says 'my Muse', but then mentions Bill by name, which indicates it's altered. Is the first bit real, then? Why would Ford rip out this important page revealing his muse's origin and past? His curiosity would overtake wanting to keep it secret, surely? And conversely, why would Bill fabricate it? To make himself seem more sympathetic? However, there is another explanation. There is the possibility Bill erased the memories of this conversation and it really happened in some form. Bill probably realized after revealing this information to Ford it could ruin his plans. Some vignette at the top, mostly on the right page. In that is a drawing of space and a code. The code says 'forget the past." Coincidence, or purposeful on a page for a conversation Bill made Ford forget? Bill could have ripped out the pages (if they existed) himself. It's also important to note Bill is trying to isolate Ford here, which is another reason he'd hide the pages/alter memories of talking about Stanley. Also, if Bill erased the phone number from Ford's mind later, it would make sense why Ford had to send a postcard.

A Winter Break/The Krampus adventure. Where would these pages have gone if they were real? It was January for the test, so it was before the deal, but after the bunker? Gin mentioned it feeling 'off' and strange because it's just Krampus, nothing weird or Gravity Falls-y about it, and I agree. And also, Fidds knocking it out feels... weird. I think that story is fabricated with some real details thrown in. Fidds is noticeably shaken up after, but otherwise the whole story seemed almost whimsical, and just...weird, and not in the GF way. It's fake. Ford goes back inside after looking outside in Time Traveler's Pig. He doesn't come outside onto the porch at all. You could say he comes back out after that, maybe. You could say it's a retcon. But we know the children's footprints were Dipper and Mabel, not random kidnapped kids. (Bill likely wouldn't expect the reader to know this.) My eyes are also drawn to the green and red rectangles. The festive theming bring to mind a Christmas special, and how often are those only partly canon? So, then what's real about it? I believe the gloves, and possibly the snow globe was real, since they come up again later. I believe if there was a monster, Ford (or bill possessing ford 'then-DARKNESS') fought it off, traumatizing Fidds even more. Something made Fidds shaken up. Fidds and Ford probably spent Christmas together. And Bill did warn Ford about Fidds' second thoughts (mentioned in J3). Did Fiddleford notice Ford forgetting things? Did he assume Ford was simply unshaken by what happened? For me what seals the deal is the heavy vignette around those pages. Bill altered his memories of what happened and is telling us this story instead, probably to make it seem not as bad, so Ford wouldn't be so angry that Bill wasn't there/realize that he possessed Ford. I'm also suspicious of the "Trust No One." at the end. Did this phrase really come from Bill? Wouldn't Bill be saying 'Trust me'? To be honest, it's possible the last page here was half a real conversation, but the way Ford suddenly changes his tune is strange AF and I suspect shenanigans for it. And the things Bill says are very different from 'F is not bold enough to follow through.' (J3 code, An Encounter) Also, most of these pages seem to have no reason to be ripped out, aside from mentioning Stan by name/drawing them, but he could have crossed that out, and the last page which Ford would have hidden from Fidds. If they were real in some form, Bill probably destroyed them to hide the truth.

Stanley memories pages- Real, not much to say about those. Goes after Bill's warning. Probably legitimately torn out by Ford since he'd want to keep these pictures before hiding J3. Though I do notice they are covering up a lot of red triangles, perhaps also drawn by Bill. No vignette.

Dream, or warning?- Before Jan. 17th. Real, since I can't see why Bill would make up a warning about himself. He wants the reader to trust him. The heavy vignette, again, indicates he made Ford forget about it and destroyed the pages before he could solve it, which would probably be easy since it was a dream. The laughter+fire at the end indicates Bill discovered them. Just a fun side note: the song referenced is 'Im your puppet'

"I was wrong about everything" spread- I think goes in the gap where the black scribbled out pages are in J3. Again, the Author's cipher is here, indicating these are real. Vignette again. Bill's possessing Ford a lot, trying to erase the idea of fighting back from his mind(unsuccessfully), likely also hiding these pages. More red triangles.

Bill-proof suit- Goes after The Blind Eye- references being banned from the library, Blind eye mentions still researching Bill. J3 said he discovered the chant to enter someone's mind by researching Bill, so he could also find the anti-cipher society and the cassette. Real. Bill likely destroyed these pages and the previous ones to try and slow down Ford and erase his plans to destroy Bill. Vignette.

Zom-bills to Looky Here: After 'Ways to hide', as Zom-bills is written in invisible ink, but before the truck stop. (This would require Ford to have written on the right page first, then Bill tore the rest of these out, but not a huge stretch) Bill is fucking with Ford hard. He's probably taking his anger out on Ford while simultaneously trying to bully and manipulate him like he would do to his henchmaniacs, as he says later. Vignette on most of these- he's constantly possessing Ford and making him black out, trying to manipulate his memory to make him compliant/torture him. Bill likely destroyed the cassette+the memory of it so it couldn't be used against him, as Ford presumably never gets the chance to. Why he's showing the reader this? He thinks it's funny. He could also be hoping to scare the reader, if the reader knows what he's capable of, they'll be more afraid, and fear and love are the same, right? Notably the sticky note page is only a little darkened, probably because Bill genuinely was trying to talk at first. I can't find any evidence that these are fake, but there's no codes indicating they're real either. I think they were real, but Bill destroyed at least some of them.

(Side note: Computer code: Oroborous. Curiously uses Bill's cipher, bill writes in J3 too. These pages are also vignetted. Bill wouldn't like Ford knowing he showed fear. He also purposefully didn't give the reader these 'missing pages', because he hates them and doesn't want to reveal his fear.)

Polaroids- Did Ford destroy this himself like the VHS? Trying to avoid being blamed for things Bill did? Just ashamed/horrified? Curiously, no vignette on the polaroids (this could be just to have the full page visible), or Bill wanted Ford to remember these to have the threat sink in fully. Probably actually happened, Bill doesn't really have a reason to fake these pages as they make him look worse/scarier.

Blackness/'No' pages: This is largely where my theory that vignette=memory manipulation makes the most sense, The darkness overtaking the page represents bill's influence and control, and stops resembling the journal pages much (though it could be invisible ink again). He can mess with Ford's mind as much as he likes. If these pages were ever real, Bill could have destroyed them himself too. Bill's pretty much telling the story here.

Fidds page, S page- Gin made another excellent post pointing out the problems with these. They're a bit redundant when compared to J3, aren't they? And in oddly specific ways. The use of the brother code indicates they're real, though. If Bill erased Ford's memories of these pages, him basically re-writing them makes sense, and also Ford going from 'the caves hold the answer' to 'the caves might hold the answers', the snow going from 'begun to fall' to 'has fallen', and going 'fidds wont speak to me'! instead of 'my assistant has clearly left me'. In some way Ford has probably retained a bit of his plans, but its not a stretch to say he'd loop his train of thought after losing memories. The "I grow maddened" at the edge is very shaky and blurry, which could reflect the shaky and blurry memory.

I also notice (this has probably been pointed out before) now in J3 that only once outside of Gravity Falls (route 14) can Ford plan clearly. Perhaps Cipher's influence is weaker outside the town? It makes sense. if Ford sent the postcard and made his plan while free(ish) of Bill's meddling, that's why Bill couldn't just erase his memory of his plan again.

So...yeah! Some are definitely fake. Some are placed or altered intentionally to serve a narrative. Bill could be manipulating the reader's and ford's memory to have never seen these pages. Some of these memories could have been simply warped, or erased later- not right away. I'll be honest I don't love the implication that Bill can just manipulate Ford's memories freely, so I'm sure there are significant limitations to it. Bill has to stall for the whole book and give away a lot of secrets in order to change the reader's brain enough for him to be satisfied, and even then it's not enough to make the reader give in. Bill's abilities are much less than he purports. He also says that the person can notice his 'tune-ups', so there is only so much he could alter someone's brain before they notice. However, if he's been messing with Ford's head this long, he'd have a big advantage. Is the explanation that Bill erased Ford's memory a little lazy? ...Yeah? But it also kind of heightens how badly Ford was being manipulated and why he got so paranoid and unhinged there. It lets a lot of these puzzle pieces fit together that wouldn't otherwise.

My vignette theory isn't super strong, I'll admit, but I think it definitely indicates something, given some pages don't have it when they could have. They could also simply indicate those pages were burned, though it being on the fake pages makes less sense then. Bill having destroyed the pages himself makes sense for a lot of the pages, but I cant rule out the possibility Ford did destroy some of them out of frustration/shame.

Something I also realized while going through J3 again is how many 'doodles' in J3 involve red triangles. (you can see an example on Frilliam's page) The triangles I assumed were Ford's obsession with Bill, but what if they were Bill's obsession? For another post perhaps.

So, what do y'all think? Ideas? Agree? Disagree? Things I missed? Questions? Something huge that shatters my whole theory? Let me know!

[harunayuuka2060]

Riddle's mom: It seems you are fine now. I've already asked someone to arrange your luggage. You're going home with me and you'll be transferring to a more prestigious school—

Riddle: I'm not going, mother. I'm staying here in Night Raven College.

Riddle's mom: What? After you were attacked by that— Monstrous being?!

Riddle: They didn't attack me! I was the one who lost control over myself!

Riddle's mom: That is completely impossible, Riddle! You? Went on a rampage? I didn't raise you to be like that!

Riddle: BUT YOU DID!

Riddle's mom: ...

Riddle: Mother... You've never allowed me to have fun. To play with my peers. You made me study day and night, watching what I eat, how I act, and everything.

Riddle: You've never let me do things on my own.

Riddle: You said I would be happy following those rules.

Riddle: I've hold onto that, mother. Until I couldn't.

Riddle's mom: ...

Riddle's mom: I gave you everything, Riddle. Because I wanted the best life for you—

Riddle: NO, YOU DID NOT! THE LIFE YOU WANT FOR ME IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT!

Riddle: Even now, all you want to do is ruin the things I've made for myself.

Riddle: My friends, my school life... Mother, I've spent all the years of my childhood listening to you.

Riddle: This time, would you please listen to me?

Trey: *enters the room MC is in*

Trey: MC?

MC: *looks at him* *their eyes widening a little*

Trey: *smiles* I've got you some cake. *goes and sits next to them*

MC: ...

MC: *grunts* *pointing at the bandages*

Trey: *chuckles* I'm fine. Professor Crewel made sure I didn't have any serious injuries.

MC: *grunts in satisfaction*

Trey: How about you?

MC: ...

Trey: Oh, right. Wait. I'm sure I have a paper and pen here... There. *hands it to them*

MC: *writes*

MC: 'Will they take me away?'

Trey: No. Riddle's mother changed her mind. She said she made a grave mistake accusing you of terrorizing the students.

MC: ...

MC: 'Are you not scared?'

Trey: Of you?

MC: *nods*

Trey: *smiles* No. *pats their back, then rubs it comfortingly*

Trey: Eat this cake and let's get out of here.

Idia: Riddle's mother is lucky.

Ortho: She is. If she had refused to listen to Riddle Rosehearts, we would be forced to erased some of her memories.

Idia: I still prefer the latter, however, father mentioned that I should only use it in the worst case scenario.

Ortho: I hope we don't need to come to that.

Idia: Hm.

Ace: Are you okay?! And were you crying?! *holding their face*

MC: *grunts*

Trey: I didn't notice.

MC: *grunts* *smiling*

Trey: *laughs* I see. The cake made you feel better.

Cater and the other students: *standing away from them*

Deuce: What's wrong?

Cater: It's nothing. We just don't want to crowd around them.

Heartslabyul student A: Right. I think anyone would need some space after that incident.

MC: *looks at them*

The Heartslabyul students: ...

MC: *open their arms wide*

Cater: ...

Cater: Do you... Do you want to hug us?

MC: *grunts* *nodding*

Cater and the Heartslabyul students: ...

*runs to hug them while cheering*

Ace: Hey! Hey! No, no!

Trey: *laughs* Too late, Ace.

Riddle: *walks them back to Ramshackle dorm*

Riddle: I apologize on the behalf of the Heartslabyul students. I swear they're rowdy most of the time.

MC: *looks at him, seems want to be reassured about something*

Riddle: ...

Riddle: *smiles* I no longer have bitter feelings in me.

Riddle: Since you've torn it apart. *chuckles* *then stops to smile at them*

Riddle: Thank you, MC.

MC: *smiles* *then hugs him*

Riddle: I'll give you some flowers tomorrow. Would you want them in pot or bouquet?

MC: *grunts*

Riddle: Haha! Pot it is.

[emilyscully]

gif tutorial

@bakedbakermom requested a tutorial on how i made the gifs in this set, so i've put together a little walkthrough of the process for this gif under the cut!

(disclaimer: this tutorial assumes that you already have basic photoshop/giffing knowledge - i.e. how to make and colour gifs using correction layers, how to use things like layer masks, etc. if you don't, i recommend these tutorials, they're very comprehensive)

alright! so as stated before, i'm not going to go in-depth here on the basics of gifmaking. for this one in particular, i blended three gifs, but we'll get into the third one later.

(i should also mention that blending gifs as i did here is usually easier if you have scenes with shadowed/dark areas like the ones above, so to keep that in mind when picking your scenes! i also find it easier to use scenes where there isn't a whole ton of movement going on- again, not a requirement but it's easier to plan and position gifs if the characters aren't moving across the whole canvas)

first, i started by making the base gifs of mulder and scully in "paper hearts". both are cropped to 540x540 px, and the same length (around 50 frames). i did some standard sharpening, brightening, and adding contrast (my usual process is curves, a b/w gradient map set to "soft light" at around 20% opacity, and messing with the levels a bit) before using selective colour and hue/saturation layers to highlight the teal and peach colours in the gif. sometimes this is enough colouring on its own, depending on the gif and the look you're going for, but in my case i wanted to add more.

so, on top of my colouring, i used a combination of layers set to "colour" and "hard light" to paint over the background of my gifs in teal and peach. on mulder's gif i also used a gradient fill layer in the two colours set to "colour" and used a layer mask to erase anywhere i didn't want the colour to be. the opacity levels for all of these layers again just depends on how vibrant you want your colours, i just mess with that on a gif-to-gif basis.

so we have our two gifs, cropped and coloured to fit the palette we want. next, i converted each coloured gif into a smart object, by selecting all my layers, right clicking, and hitting "convert to smart object."

once that's done, you should be able to click and drag one of the gifs onto the other gif's canvas, so that it's sitting on top. then change the blending mode of the top gif- most people use lighten or screen, this again depends on the look you want and the gifs you're using. for this one, i used screen. it'll probably look something like this:

at this point you can move your gifs around and position them as you like. for mine, i just moved scully a little off to the right, as you can see. in order to get rid of the part that's covering mulder's face, i added a layer mask to the scully gif and used a large, soft brush set to black to erase it.

(another note: i didn't need to do it here, but if you want to move/erase parts of your bottom gif, add a layer of solid black underneath both gifs.)

usually i would stop blending here, but for this set i decided to add a third gif, so i made and coloured the gif of mulder and scully holding hands, using the same methods as the first two. this one was cropped to 540x405 px to make it fit better on the canvas, since i knew i only wanted it to cover the bottom part.

i converted it to a smart object and dragged it onto the same canvas as the other two gifs. this time i used "lighten" as my blending mode, positioned it in the bottom right corner, and again used a layer mask to brush away the parts i didn't want.

on top of all three gifs, i then used layers set to "normal" and "hard light" to brush some extra colour onto the gif. this part i also just play around with on a gif-to-gif basis, but for this set i mostly used a combo of colour, hard light, and normal layers at varying opacities until i got the look i was going for. i generally just like to use big soft brushes to add colour around the edges, as i did here.

now, i have a bunch of texture/grain pngs saved on my laptop that i like to add to gifs for some extra flair, so i opened one of those and cropped it down to 540x540px. i then added a gradient map to give it that peach colour. (any textured png/jpg should work fine for this, as long as you have your gradient map set to black and white/your accent colour)

like i did with my gifs, i converted the texture + gradient map to a smart object and dragged it onto the shared canvas. i set the blending mode to "screen", with the opacity at 70%. i like to put these textures underneath the extra colouring i've done on the gif, as seen here. i don't always do this, but i feel like it sometimes helps the texture blend into the finished gif. you can also use a layer mask if needed to erase any unwanted parts of the texture.

now for the text!

for these gifs i used the font "IM FELL DW Pica" in both regular and italic, in black, at 16px. i didn't do anything fancy with the text itself besides adding a drop shadow in the blending options (right click on the text layer and hit "blending options).

then, underneath the text layer (i was working one word at a time) i used the rectangle tool to draw a small rectangle around the text- i wasn't too picky about the size or evenness since i was going for a collaged look. i set the colour of the rectangle to a light cream colour, and added a drop shadow in the blending options.

then i just selected both the text and rectangle and duplicated them using ctrl+j, changing the text for each word and adjusting the size of the rectangles as needed. once i had all of the words on my canvas, i just moved them around until i found a positioning i liked. again, since i was going for a purposefully scrapbooked look, i didn't overthink this part.

i exported my gif the way i usually do, with these settings:

and that's it! i used pretty much the same process for all the gifs in this set, give or take. hopefully this little walkthrough made sense, but i know i'm not always the best at explaining my process, so if anything needs clarifying feel free to shoot me an ask or dm!

[juliettedunn]

Do you think Belos is not as complex as his fans makes him out to be?

I don’t think it’s a case of more or less complex, it’s that a lot of Belos stans mischaracterize him to the point they make him a different character. The stans ironically completely erase what makes Belos, Belos.

The “Belos” a lot of Belos stans present is the guise he wears to manipulate others and himself, hiding his actual character and nature beneath.

Belos is one of my favorite villains, because he manages to be a truly reprehensible villain with no redemption in sight, while also having a lot of layers to his psychology. He’s a villain whose thought process/general psychology I find fascinating to think about, as I think it’s quite well-written and reflective of people like him in real life.

There’s this perception that in order to be interesting, a villain has to be sympathetic or redeemable in some capacity.

It’s popular to give villains sympathetic motives or backstory, and even redeem them, to avoid the simplistic “I’m doing evil things because I’m evil” type.

And this type of villain can absolutely work, it’s just not necessary for every story, or for a good villain. You can have a complex, layered villain whose psychology is fascinating to think about, without them actually being sympathetic in any way.

Belos doesn’t think “I’m doing evil things because I’m evil.” He justifies himself with a twisted line of thought built around his own selfishness, insecurities, immaturity, and possessiveness, as well as the Puritan ideology he embraced.

A big part of his character is that he warps reality in his own mind to suit his needs. That’s why his mindscape is literally layered, with the beautiful, heroic paintings at the start hiding the true, ugly memories. He isn’t just lying to other people; he’s lying to himself. He’s so caught up in his own delusions and persecution complex, he’s lost sight of reality and starts to be confused by his own lies, built into the very structure of his mind.

The show makes it clear how his view of the world, that he is an oppressed victim, is delusion. It shows Caleb embracing his brother warmly in the Boiling Isles, despite the aggression he displays. It shows people were friendly and trusting during the time period he arrived, and only lashed out at him once he began to kill and oppress, like the demons avenging their brother Blue Fang. His fake child disguise used to manipulate Luz is shed to reveal the true sinister man underneath as his real inner self.

His misery is of his own making. He killed Caleb, he refused to change. Even after four hundred years, he refuses to do anything but whine about what witches and demons took from him, despite the fact he was always the aggressor.

Belos’s story is the story of a man driven by an extreme selfishness, a desire for coddling and protection, to have everything revolve around him and his needs, at the same time as he claims to want to purge the sins of others for being selfish and evil. A man who is so caught up in his layers of lies and manipulation, he himself loses sight of what he believes, and eventually descends into crawling, whining slime. It’s a pathetic end that is his own fault.

But Belos stans want to ignore the story being told in favor of believing the simple narrative he presents at face value - that he was a mistreated kid whose brother abandoned him to cruelty and persecution on the Boiling Isles. They take the story to be a simple “tragic orphan was wronged and now he’s bitter” instead of an exploration of the psychology of this kind of truly reprehensible human being, who absolutely does exist.

The thing they portray is fine for a character story, but it’s not Belos. It’s so blatantly missing the entire point of his character, that they might as well just create an oc.

We have to shed this idea that a complex villain means a sympathetic one. You can have a rich, layered character who has basically always been a piece of shit, and remains so. Sometimes those are the best villains out there, depending on the themes of the story.

So no, Belos isn’t less complex than they make him out to be. He’s just a different character entirely.

[lemotmo]

❤️

Q. What I'm truly confused by is why they want people to hate Ryan and Oliver so much. Like they aren't attacking Eddie and Buck nearly as much as they're attacking Ryan and Oliver. I'm so confused by that.

A. Everything we are seeing is because they know, in spite of everything they are saying, that Tommy's existence on this show relies entirely on his relationship with Buck. The minute that relationship runs it course story wise he is gone, and they know it. Because of that Eddie became their enemy. Oliver wants Buck with Eddie. A significant portion of their audience wants Buck with Eddie. In their minds they needed the audience to turn on Eddie to make the case for Tommy. But their campaign didn't accomplish anything so they shifted gears and decided to go after Ryan personally. Unfortunately for Ryan, and the rest of us, in the middle of their hate campaign towards Ryan, Lou said some things during his cameo videos, and his Twitter past came to light, and people's reaction to those two things caused his fans campaign against Ryan to become even uglier. What they are attempting to do to Ryan is disgusting. He was completely out of line when he said what he said a few years ago, but he owned it. He acknowledged that he needed to work on some things and better educate himself on things he really didn't seem to understand. And he did it. He went away and genuinely educated himself, and made changes in his life that allowed him to grow and better himself as a human being. Which is all we can ever ask of one another. I will never understand how he could have said it, but that's not the point. What I can see and understand is the work he has clearly put into growing and learning from his mistakes. They don't get to erase Ryan's personal growth because it hurts their already weak defense of Lou. And that's what they are trying to do. And they're trying to do it all in the name of a temporary plot device on a television show. And that's too immature and disgusting to be allowed to happen. So we aren't allowing it to happen. And that angers them.

Their entire problem with Oliver is that he doesn't appear to be friends with Lou, and he isn't promoting their preferred ship. He promotes and talks about his preferred ship, which is what Oliver has always done. Oliver isn't doing anything he hasn't always done. What he has with Ryan is what they're trying to demand he have with Lou. They are completely dependent on Buck, and Oliver is making it pretty clear they're fighting a losing battle. Somewhere along the way someone convinced them that even though there aren't that many of them if they are nasty enough, and loud enough they can bully Ryan, Oliver and Tim into submission. It was an absurd plan and is of course a complete failure, but they're going to be as horrible as possible on their way out. We're nearing their end though, and Oliver and Ryan completely ignoring them is causing them more anger than we ever could. Our boys will be just fine. 💗

Thank you Nonny! :) Again much appreciated!

I admit that my brain has been fried by that deleted Eddie and Christopher scene we just got. So you won't get anything interesting out of me at the moment. xD LOL!

I also don't have the same insight in fandom dynamics that Ali does, so I'm just going to let her do her thing and answer this question as only she can. :)

IMPORTANT! Please don't repost this ask and/or a link that leads straight to my Tumblr account on Twitter or any other social media. Thank you!

Heads up! For anyone who is giving me the shifty eyes for reposting Ali's updates instead of reblogging. Read this.

Remember, no hate in comments, reblogs or inboxes. Let's keep it civil and respectful. Thank you.

If you are interested in more of Ali’s posts, you can find all of her posts so far under the tag: anonymous blog I love.

[stayandot8]

A Case of Friends and Lovers

Genre: Fluff

Relationship type: best friends to lovers

Important Contents: Thank you @bangtanmix73 for the idea 😙😙

WC: 6.1k

masterlist

Chan became my friend in the third grade. 

Mrs. Yoon’s class was tough enough. A tall, slender woman with her black hair streaked with the gray of her years of experience with us youngins. Constantly dressing like she was stuck in the 80s with her long skirts and her turtlenecks, she was a no-nonsense kind of lady, which wouldn’t have been the ideal kind of teacher for third graders if you asked me. If she peered over her glasses at you, you knew from her beady eyes that you wanted to never be the subject of that gaze ever again.  As the “talker” of the class, she sat me next to Chan, the quiet and good one, in hopes that he would encourage me to behave like him. Unlucky for her, her plan backfired. I instead opened him up and brought him out of his shell to his own demise. The first time I got him into trouble was still burned into my mind.

Mrs. Yoon was droning on and on about something called fractions and I had had just about enough of her voice for the day. My worksheet long since forgotten on my desk, I leaned over the aisle to poke Chan in his side rather hard and quickly sat back straight, my eyes back to the front in case the mean lady was watching. Chan yelped and pursed his lips to the side in fake anguish. I would continue to see this look a lot over the course of our friendship. Mrs. Yoon heard his squeal and glared at him. 

“Mr. Bang, do not interrupt my class.” Her angry eyes were enough to make Chan’s face burn bright like a tomato. I couldn’t help but snicker as he apologized. He didn’t sit next to me at lunch that day. It wasn’t until I brought him the prettiest rock I could find, a smooth, round, white stone with dark spots to look like the moon, that he finally spoke to me again, all forgiven. That was the longest we had ever gone without speaking.

Chan became my best friend in the 6th grade.

We were walking down the cold hallways, the stench of rubber erasers and preteens still learning about deodorant forcing its way up my nostrils. It was an effort not to scream daily in those hallways, children screaming every direction you looked. This particular day was the day my period decided to rear its ugly head for the first time. It wasn’t like I didn’t know it was coming, my female friends had gotten theirs fairly recently so they had prepared me for what was to come. What I didn’t expect was for it to be quite so…. messy. 

It was a very normal conversation we were having, about how his mom had gotten his lunch mixed up with his sister’s again, when I felt it; a sudden gush coming from between my legs. I stopped mid-step, kids shoving my shoulders as they kept moving. Chan had stopped a few steps ahead, just realizing that I wasn’t by his side anymore and turned back with a confused look. And then those kids started looking at me to find out why I had stopped walking, that was when the laughing started. And the pointing. I had my first panic attack that day, under the cruel eyes of everyone in that hallway. 

Chan rushed to me, seeing the tears and panic in my eyes and quickly took off his jacket to tie it around my waist. He grabbed my shoulders and rushed me to the nurse. He followed me around all day to make sure no one else laughed or pointed or stared. And when someone even glanced at me with what he deemed the wrong way, he would shout at them. 

“And what are YOU looking at, huh?” 

They would quickly find something else much more interesting to look at and rush past us. Chan would nod at his job well done and continue whatever we were talking about, trying his best to get my mind off of this sudden change. That day we had some of the weirdest conversations we had ever had, him pulling every bizarre subject he had in his arsenal to shock me into talking about it. It was a very effective method and became a fallback in the years to come.

Chan became my secret crush in 10th grade. 

It was my birthday and while my mom was a good mother, she sometimes just got too busy with her work to pay enough attention to what was going on around her. This particular birthday she forgot about. I had gotten to school and looked for Chan but he was nowhere to be found until lunch period. I was sitting by myself with my headphones in, listening to my own personal curated playlist by my one and only best friend when the doors to the lunchroom flew open and a slew of balloons were pushed through them, everyone turned to stare at the loud bang. I wondered who could possibly be coming through the doors and assumed it was for some sort of prom proposal or something. I turned my attention back to my chips and was putting one in my mouth when I looked back up to the collection of helium when I saw who was attached to them. My chewing paused and I took out my headphones.

Chan was beaming as he scanned the lunchroom and locked eyes with me. That was when I realized the balloons had ‘Happy Birthday!’ written on every. single. one. He sprinted as safely as he could without tripping over to my table, a small cake and a fast food bag in his hands along with a bright pink gift sack. My jaw dropped. I felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head. 

“Happy birthday!” He yelled as he drew closer. He set down the cake, balloons, and gift bag to throw his arms around me and suffocate me with his love. I couldn’t help my grin as he let go, his own smile infectious like always. He sat down, grabbing the food bag and laying out a nice spread in front of me.

“Is this why you’re late to school?” I giggled as I put my home lunch back in my lunchbox.

“Well duh. I couldn’t let you get away with going unnoticed on your birthday. I had to get the best for my girl!” My heart fluttered in a way I hadn’t noticed before when he said that. My veins sang as the butterflies took a hold in my stomach and remained there. 

We had our lunch as the rest of the school watched, people wondering what the balloons were for when their friends explained it to them in hushed whispers. They weren’t there as far as I was concerned. All I could see was him. 

That’s also when other girls started to notice him.

Chan became distant in college.

He had started dating and I hated all of the other girls that weren’t me. He always wondered why his girlfriends and I never got along, not one of them. He only saw what they wanted to see, them putting on their sweetest, most perfect facade for him as I glared at them from the sidelines. Our friendship started to suffer too. 

I couldn’t blame him for wanting to be the perfect boyfriend. I just wish he would’ve realized he didn’t have to try so hard for them. He was perfect the way he was. None of them were worthy of him anyways. It annoyed me to no end how hard he would try for them while they took it and never gave it back to him like I could have. They simply weren’t good enough for him.

He hated it when I told him that. The conversation would always start the same. He would bring up some petty argument they were having and I would try my best to be objective for him, but it was so hard. It was simply that all of the fights he ever had were always the girl’s fault, either demanding he spend more time with her or do more for her or that he was too much work for them. I would make this point and he would retort with a way that it was somehow his fault. HIS fault that she felt this way. That he needed to be better. I would say it wasn’t his fault, he already spent so much time with her. We disagreed every time. I was surprised he couldn’t tell that I was in love with him. He was oblivious when it came to me. But his friends weren’t.

Feix questioned me first but Minho was the first to break me. He got me intoxicated and asked me one too many questions and the beans came tumbling out in a drunken babble. In front of all of his friends and God herself, I wouldn’t shut up about how I missed his laugh, his smile, and his hugs. The boys just looked at each other awkwardly, taking turns trying to comfort me in their own ways. Minho tried to tell me Chan’s poor qualities, walking around naked all the time, he worked too much, he never bought anything for himself. But these were all qualities I already knew and loved about him. Seungmin was just calling him old and ‘why would you want someone so close to old age in the prime of your life’ and such things. I wasn’t much younger than Chan so in reality, he was also calling me old. He ran out of things to say after that, not wanting to put his foot in his mouth any more than he already had. Jeongin and Hyunjin offered to take me shopping the next day, which I took them up on. Hyunjin pat me on the back gently and grimaced. Changbin just tried to tell me that exercise was the cure for everything. That earned a glare from everyone, to which he just shrugged and looked away sheepishly. I thanked him for his suggestion. He meant it in earnest. Han took my mind off of it, offering his best controller to play video games with him all night long. And when I had successfully beaten Han enough for him to admit defeat, Felix followed me to bed and just cuddled me until the heavy weight on my chest had lightened. 

Every time we fought about his girlfriends’ issues with him, it was always on the tip of my tongue. It was always ‘Just talk to her, try to work it out�� instead of ‘I wouldn’t treat you like that.’ It was a laborious effort, keeping all of the emotions inside. I would feel the build-up when he was in between girlfriends, he would get more touchy with me, no longer under a watchful eye or a guilty conscience. I could feel myself begin to tell him my feelings and then another girl would pop up and they would last too long that the moment was over. But I was always the one he ran to when he had problems. And they hated that. 

The first girl that had a problem with how much time he spent with me didn’t last long after that. But after the third girl, he noticed that it was maybe not just a single issue. So I saw less and less of him when he was involved. Then she appeared a year later. 

She was everything I was not. She was popular, beautiful, and just cool. She still didn’t deserve him though. I hated that I could tell she did care about him a little more than the others but not enough it seemed. She became obsessed with the idea that he would cheat on her with me. Eventually she convinced herself that he did. That was a particularly hard fight for him to get through. He came over afterwards and explained it to me, that he couldn’t spend more time with me if he wanted to keep her, so that was it. I haven’t seen him in a while.

That was a couple months ago. I’m in my own apartment now, reading my book far too late into the night again. The pounding at my door broke me of my trance and I scurried to open the door to see Chan, his curly hair a little wild and his eyes rimmed with red. 

“She cheated on me.” 

His voice was hoarse, like he hadn’t used it in a bit. I opened the door further to let him in but he just fell into my arms, his emotions hitting him harder. I hugged him closer, closing the door behind him. He fell to his knees in the hallway and brought me down with him. We stayed this way until his sobs turned to sniffles. My only form of comfort was rubbing his back up into his hair. When his breathing slowed enough for his strength to return to his legs, I nudged him up to bring him to my couch where I left him only long enough to make him something to drink. I decided tea was the way to go, alcohol no good for him in his current state. He simply stared blankly at my coffee table, his silence scarier than yelling. I nudged him with the mug and he took it, letting it warm his hands. I sat beside him gently, letting him talk if he wanted to. When he didn’t, I asked the only question I would dare about the subject.

“Do you want to talk about it?” His eyes still looked blank. His mind was elsewhere. I didn’t think he heard me and I was resigned to stay quiet when he shook his head. I could only nod faintly, finally looking him over fully for the first time in months. His eyes were tired aside from their current puffiness and his clothes smelled like him a little too much, as if he’d been wearing them a little too long. 

“Do you want to sleep here? You’re more than welcome to.” I said quietly, hoping he would take me up on it. I could feel my body yearning to be closer to his natural warmth but I stayed where I was, not wanting to invade his space just yet. He nodded slowly, his mug remaining untouched by his beautiful lips. I had forgotten…

“Do you want to sleep on my bed? I can take the couch.” He leaned to place the cup on the table in front of us and he grabbed my hand. He stood, forcing me to move from my spot as he led me back through my own bedroom door. He only dropped my hand to land face first on my pillow. I couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped my lips. The way he fell was just a little comical, like a cartoon almost. Luckily I had been in my pajamas for about an hour now so I just turned off the light and climbed in next to him, still not touching him. I was too keenly aware of every breath he took, every small movement he made. He turned his head to face me, still stomach down. His eyes bleary, he took a breath in as if he was about to speak. And it was taking all of his strength.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered the words I didn’t need, but craved anyway. I shook my head.

“Don’t worry about it. Just sleep right now, okay?” He nodded, closing his eyes. 

“Don’t leave me.” Never. I tentatively pushed a strand of hair out of his eyes, testing his limits of the moment. He didn’t shoo me away. In fact, he hummed in contentment. His breathing slowed to even draws and gave me the opportunity to really look at him. I thought with these months apart my feelings would die. I should’ve known better. If they could survive college, they would unfortunately survive anything. Simply looking at him was enough to bring them back to the surface in full swing. Maybe this is my opportunity. This time I’ll tell him, I promised myself. Maybe when he’s better. 

“I love you.” I whispered, just loud enough for me to hear. 

I woke up before him the next morning. I felt more than saw the arms around my waist, the leg intertwined with mine. My heart broke slightly as I untangled him from me, moving off the bed as slowly as I could so as not to wake him. He didn’t, simply rolling over, remaining in his slumber. I watched him sleep, the crease between his brows a cause for concern. I tore myself away and exited back to my kitchen. I didn’t know how hungry he would be, so I figured I could always make more if he wanted. As the waffle iron was warming, I heard his shuffling coming down the hall. I kept my back turned to give him a second to breathe and collect himself if he wanted to. When he crept up beside me at the counter, I gave him a half hearted smile and weak ‘hi’, still unsure of his mood. I thought I still knew how to read him, but he had changed so much in these past months, I found it harder than I remembered. 

“I didn’t know how hungry you would be so I was preparing for the worst.” He simply nodded, turning to the coffee pot. He started it up and returned to the couch he was on the night before. He turned on the TV to the morning news. I got the feeling it was just for background noise. 

Once the waffles and coffee were done, I put on my best display of domesticity. I brought him his own plate, which he scarfed down. I talked about anything but the one thing I was dying to ask about. He merely nodded along until a particularly awkward silence hit us. 

“I’m running out of subjects here, Chris.” No response. Another long pause.

“She broke up with me a while ago. I’ve spent the past couple months trying to get her back but it wasn’t working. She finally told me why. She slept with some guy back near the end of our relationship. Didn’t even remember his name.” He got quiet again. Then uttered the few words that consistently broke my heart for him. “I don’t understand what I did wrong.”

“Not everything is your fault though.”

“I had to have done something for her to do that. Why else would she have done it?”

“Some people don’t need reasons.” It was the only response I could think of. He shook his lowered head. 

“It didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense. So I ran to the only place I thought of. I’m sorry I barged in on you like this, I didn’t know where else to go.” He finally looked me in my eyes, I could see his apology in the gleam between blinks. 

“It’s okay, really. You’ve clearly been busy.”

“But you’ve done nothing to deserve me ignoring you for so long. And then to just show up here? Out of nowhere? I’m sorry, I should go.” He started to rise, eyes, aiming for the door. I panicked, not knowing when the next time I would see him would be. I lunged for his arm, grabbing it tightly. He jerked, but didn’t pull away, looking back at me. Those same apologies still in his eyes. 

“You don’t have to go. I promise, it’s okay. I’m just happy to have you back. No matter the circumstances.” His shoulders fell in relief as he sat back down. He gave me his best smile, which was only a sliver of what I knew it could be. It still made my butterflies jump.

“I don’t deserve you.”

Boy, you have no idea…

That was a few weeks ago. He still wasn’t completely over the betrayal, but he was slowly getting better. He showed up to my apartment regularly, just like before. We would talk about everything but that night. And when he got particularly down on himself, I would drag him out with all of his friends to take his mind off of it. Being of the legal drinking age had its perks.

This particular night, he had been the one to initiate it. He texted the entire group asking which bar we wanted to start on our pub crawl for the evening. We knew what that meant. If it was a club night, he just wanted to forget the day. If it was a club crawl, he wanted to forget the week. But an actual pub crawl, something had to have happened. Minho was always ready with a suggestion. He knew all the best spots in town. And walking through the doors of our first stop of the night, everyone could tell Chan was ready for the night to begin. 

“Let’s gooooo!” He shouted at the top of lungs, approaching the bar and smiling at the bartender, a short woman with enough cleavage to make a porn star jealous. I respect the hustle of it, but did he have to smile at her like that? He flashed one of his famous grins that reached his eyes, which she of course returned. It was hard not to. 

“What can I get you, sweetie?” She wiped down the glass in her hand with the rag in the other, used to the shouting of men ready to forget their troubles. Chan leaned on his elbows on the bartop and cocked his head, ready to charm whoever was a willing victim. 

“A round of shots for me and my friends, angel. And make them doubles if you please.” She smiled and nodded, grabbing the bottle from the shelves and nine bigger shot glasses. Chan started to chat with her as she poured, making my fingers go numb. The intense eye contact between them was enough to force my hands into fists. Felix noticed, because of course he did. I was surprised he couldn't hear my raging heartbeat. Thundering so loud in my ears I could barely hear what he was whispering to me. I felt his warmth bear me as he said

“Don’t take it too close to heart, you know he does this when he needs to release.” That didn’t stop the chill down my spine though. I wanted to deck the poor girl. She had no idea who I was or what I was going through. But if she laughed at one of his stupid jokes again…

Chan grabbed the tray of shots and winked at her, making her blush. God damn it.

“Relax. He’s not going home with her.” More whispers in my ear. I couldn’t place the voice until Seungmin gave me a shy smile, nodding in encouragement of his words. I nodded back, trying to breathe as we all followed Chan to a table near the shadows of the back of the place. Seungmin placed his hand on my back, following my lead and staying close. 

Chan was doling out the shots in everyone’s direction, each conversation happening in tandem, the noise level doing the best job of drowning out my own thoughts. I decided to let this night be as much for me as its initiator. We all clinked our glasses together, tapped the table, and downed our shots in one go, Felix coughing a little as he got used to the burn. 

“Another round!” Jisung shouted over the noise happening around us.

“I’ll go!” Chan started to walk towards the bar, but Jisung stopped him with his arm. 

“Don’t worry buddy, I’ll get this one.” But Jisung’s eyes were on me. I could swear he nodded to me, a small sign of solidarity. 

“Was I that obvious?” Hyunjin shook his head a little too quickly to be anything but honest. I grimaced in his direction, sure that everyone would see through any kind of mask I could put on. Well, everyone except the one it mattered for. He was currently balls-deep in a conversation with Changbin about something to do with…sports? Cars? I couldn’t tell nor did I care. Jisung came back quickly with twice the amount of shots as the first round. I shot him a greatful smile, our unspoken plan working. Another round of shots and we were off to the next bar, pulling the same routine until it was evident that Chan had had quite enough when he wouldn’t let go of my shoulder. He hung on my arm like he hadn’t known anything else in his life, clung to me like he had for the first ten years of our friendship. It was like nothing had changed. 

“Baby, let’s go to another one down the street. They’ve got the best margaritas on the block.” Baby. It almost made it feel real when he called me that. Like, maybe one day, I could be… I snapped back to the moment at hand.

“I think we both have had quite enough there, mister.” His eyes were drooping, his gaze unfocused. His words were blurring together, all of the alochol he had consumed finally hitting his system. He would be turning into one of two people and I didn’t want to be there if the one that wasn’t the cuddly, kind Chris showed up. Not being quite as drunk as the others, I volunteered to take him home, thinking we had had enough for one night. None of the others were ready to go home as much as I was, so they let me take the invalid home by myself. 

The weight of Chan’s body was too much for my single shoulder as we stumbled down the hallway to his apartment. His giggling had turned into a small laughter here and there, which eventually had made him go quiet now. We arrived at his front door, just as I remembered it. 

“Chan, where are your keys?” He grappled with his pockets before he giggled again. 

“Doormat.” was all that came from his mouth. This mother… His spare key was hidden under the mat.

Once we were inside, he went straight for the couch, sighing as he lay flat on his stomach. I couldn’t help my panting from carrying him up his stairs, my breath the only sound in the room. I leaned on the counter, just watching him as he closed his eyes. 

“Chan?”

“Hm?” 

“How are you feeling? Anything coming back up?”

“Not yet. Give me a few minutes though, you never know.” A slight chuckle from the man across the room followed by a groan of regret.

“That is true.” I laughed along with him, not feeling great myself. “Come on, let’s get you set up in your room before I go.” I started for the hallway when his head snapped up from his resting place, his eyes now sad and full of something I couldn’t place. I blame it on the alcohol. 

“What?” His voice had gone high, cracking. “You’re leaving me? Don’t leave me, you can’t leave me. I’ll have no one left.” I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. The words he was saying didn’t make sense in response to what I meant, the fog in my head from the multitude of shots I had clouding every logical thought. 

“Huh? I have to go home at some point. I can’t live here with you, Chan. As much fun as that would be.” There was some truth to that, I realized. I could picture it in my drunken mind’s eye and for a split second, it was everything I had ever wanted come alive. A reality that would always be there in another life where I had the guts to say something. And the even rareer chance that he felt the same. 

“Ha. That would be fun. You would never have to leave then. You could take care of me all the time.” What I wouldn’t give… He was slow to rise from the couch, I suspected any sudden movement would make his insides turn out. And that was a mess neither one of us wanted to clean up. 

“Come on, superstar. Let’s go.” He grabbed another hold around my waist now, his touch more intimate than the one around my shoulder when we first arrived. I tried not to read too much into it. It’s not like it meant anything to him. He was out of his mind, didn’t know what he was doing. We shuffled down the hall to his room, him falling on the bed like he fell on the couch. He burst into laughter into his pillow, my fit of giggles not far behind. 

“Why did you fall like that? You looked like a domino.” I sat on his bed at his feet, getting comfortable.

“I don’t know.” His laughter got louder before it died down. What I couldn’t see was his face scrunching up as his own memeories of the day flew together, ready to attack him as soon as he would let them. I wasn’t expecting the sniffles to come. Well, maybe I should have considering how many shots he had. 

“Chan?” I said again. A long pause, the air thick with a new sadness. 

“I saw her again today.” I knew he was talking about her. I sighed but stayed quiet, afraid of what I would say if I spoke. My words tonight had slipped past every filter I ever had, a new sense of honesty I never had before. Another thing to blame the alcohol for. 

“Why didn’t she love me? Why doesn’t anyone love me?” Not a question meant for my ears. 

“I do.” 

It was barely a whisper. A response to a question that didn’t require one. His retort was too quick for him to realize in what way I meant. 

“You have to say that. You’re my best friend.”

“But that’s not how I meant it.”

He was still. I wasn’t sure if he was breathing but I didn’t care. Now was the time. This was the moment. When I had no filters or second guesses. Now would be the time I would spill it all out, everything. Risking our entire friendship in sixty seconds. I could only stare at the wall.

“I’m in love with you. Have been for a couple years now. I hated keeping it from you but I had no other choice. So all those old girfriends were right. Of course, all the other boys know too. Have for a long time. And now that I can face the fact that you don’t feel the same, I can tell you this and I can move on. I can release it. I can let you go. I love you. I am in love with you. And you do not feel the same. And that’s okay.” I took a deep breath, still without the courage to look in the space around his direction. “Because at least now you know and I can start to kill these feelings one by one until I can stomach you being around other girls. Beause it kills me inside when you talk about yourself like that. Every time you and I would argue about your girlfriends complaining to you and you think it’s your fault. It kills my very soul. You are the best person anyone could ever know. They way you make people feel about themselves, they way you make me feel… I’ve never found that in anyone else. Only you. The way you care about me, you make me feel loved.” My shoes were dirty from the path we walked. I would have to wash them when I got home. 

“I love your laugh the most I think. It makes me feel whole. I love the little squeak you get when you laugh too hard. It sounds like a door hinge.” I smiled to myself, a sudden sadness as I thought I wouldn’t hear it again after this. Not for a long while at least. “I always get butterflies when you touch me. They started back in high school and they never left. I would always try to hug you when I could, which was good because I knew you liked touchy people. But the more I would do it, the more I craved it. I started to crave you. I never knew I liked attention until I tasted yours. And that was it. I was ruined.” Another sad smile as I stood up. He was probably asleep by now, listening to me drone on and on. I could make it home now on my own, the sudden pouring of the build up of the last however many years finally coming to a breaking point. I was never drinking again. I longed for some fresh air, this room suddenly too small. My hand had just brushed the door handle, ready to leave the dream I had held onto for so long in this room, in this moment for good. My life’s sustainment, the only reason I had bothered to come this far. To leave it all on the table for it to be brushed under a rug, never to be looked at or mentioned again.

 Until I heard it.

“And what if I love you too?”

It was so quiet, I thought I had imagined it. 

“You don’t mean that like I want you to.” I opened the door further, certain that I didn’t want to hear his next words.

“But I do.” The grip on my heart, my veins, tightened. There was no way.

“But-” I turned slowly, still not sure if I was dreaming. But if I pinched myself, I wouldn’t get to see how this dream would play out. “What-” I couldn’t think of any words. I could only shake my head in disbelief. “You can’t be serious. You’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Look at me. Please. And tell me if you think I dont know what I’m saying.”

I looked, really looked at him, for what felt like the first time. Into those eyes that held nothing but clarity and truth. And I felt like I was falling into them all over again. 

“I don’t believe you. I can’t. I don’t believe this is actually happening to me right now.” 

He sat up to lean against his headboard, head lolling to the side, no doubt feeling heavy.

“You know that box I keep by the front door for my keys? Have a look inside. If you still don’t believe me, you can call Changbin and tell him he has a free pass to hit me as hard as he can.” On shaky legs, I raced as quickly as I dared to the front door, eyeing the little wooden box, just big enough for keys and… 

A small, round, white stone. With dark spots. To look like the moon.

I cradled it, afraid it would break or disappear if I blinked. I simply stared at it, unaware that Chan had crept up behind me on silent steps. I felt his eyes on me a second later.

“Why did you keep it?” My voice was as shaky as the rest of me, still coated in disbelief that the one thing I wanted more than anything could actually be mine. 

“Because that was when it started. I’ve been yours ever since.”

I felt myself turning to face him, still locked on the stone in my hand. I heard him come closer, tilting my chin up to look him in his beautiful eyes. Open for me to see every wonderful thing he had ever thought of me, the warmth inviting me in to stay forever. His hands moved to cup both my cheeks, his body so close I could feel his heart racing alongside mine. 

“I still feel like I’m dreaming.” I whispered against his lips, so close to mine. Too close. There was nowhere I could run to, nowhere I could hide from his fire, his want for me. For me. 

“Me too.” He whispered back.

And then he kissed me.

He poured everything he was into me, his apologies, his laughter, his sincerity. I threw everything I had at him. My darkest thoughts, my hardest moments, my deepest fears. He still did not budge. He waited for more, wanting, needing everything. Every part of me was his for the taking. My soul was his for good. 

It was the feeling of finding money in the pocket of a pair of jeans you hadn’t worn in a while. It was a warm summer night after a day spent with friends, comforting and familiar. It was love, wrapped in your favorite blanket with a warm drink in your hands. He was love, finding me at long last. 

He was mine. 

No one else’s.

Not back then.

Not ever again. 

Only

Mine.

[13eyond13]

hi, not too long ago, i read death note one-shot 2020. i really enjoyed it, but i have a question. What would have happened if Minoru never died. Do you think Minoru and Near will have met each other. I hope you have a headcanons about them.

Hi! Thanks for the ask, it was fun to think about the 2020 one-shot again. I hadn't revisited it since it first came out, so I reread it again just now to have it fresh in my mind.

So I don't really think Minoru and Near likely would've met even if Minoru never died, because Minoru asked Ryuk to erase his memories and also made it really hard to trace everything back to him with how he planned the selling of the notebook. He didn't WANT to be tracked down by anybody, nor to remember what he had done, and Near said himself that it would be basically impossible for them to find him now after the transaction had taken place. The only clue L's team really had to go on after the auction finished was that A-Kira was probably one of the many hundreds of thousands of people under 60 years old who had a bank account with Yotsuba.

HOWEVER! I also do like the idea of Minoru and Near meeting each other, especially because Near expressed interest in meeting him due to his obvious intelligence and due to coming up with that kind of a plan with the notebook. And think it might have been fun to see how they got along.

("read more" cut because it's a bit long)

I also liked Minoru as a character quite a bit. He came off pretty chill and patient and peaceful and non-egotistical, but still pretty scheming and clever as a character as well. I also liked how he found a way to try to use it to benefit himself and his own country (I guess - it's up for interpretation, but that much money going to Japan would be "greasing the wheels" of the economy, as they said?). And to me he also seemed to be trying to entertain and placate Ryuk while also getting the notebook away from him and not actually using it himself to kill anybody. After all, Minoru really had no choice in the matter initially when Ryuk selected him for his next notebook owner, so he didn't ask to be put in that position, and he had all the history of what had happened before when Kira had the notebook to draw on. And Near points out that now that the world knows about Kira's power and its whereabouts that it will be a lot harder for it to be used sneakily by anybody, and perhaps that was something that Minoru had been anticipating too (I assume he had thought of many things like this before he chose this plan, seeing as he for some reason spends 2 entire years coming up with it).

Near in this one-shot is a bit of a question mark to me characterization-wise. He doesn't act a ton like Near did in the manga in my eyes, and comes off a bit more cynical and listless and self-centered than I thought he actually was back in the manga. He seems a bit less idealistic and less caring about the others around him to me in this one-shot, too; and I thought that the part where he says that he wants to meet A-Kira because he's smart sounds a lot more like something the original L would say than something Near would say. Much of the stuff that made his personality refreshing and unique to me in comparison to L just wasn't really that present in this one-shot for me. And I'm just not sure if that's because Ohba is intentionally writing him to have been changed by the Kira case and differently characterized now to how he wrote him in the manga, or what? Perhaps he is trying to show Near slowly becoming more like L over the years as he spends more time doing L's job? Or maybe I just interpreted Near's personality in the manga differently to how Ohba was actually conceptualizing him and writing him in the first place.

Anyway, whenever I imagine Near and Minoru meeting and interacting I tend to picture Minoru having a bit of a calming effect on Near for some reason, as Near comes off a bit depressed and cranky and lonely to me in the later one-shots. They're so far apart in age in canon and when Near first learns about A-Kira that I don't ship it, but I can imagine them getting along well as friends if they met (and if someone came up with an AU where they are closer together in age and/or both first met as adults that'd be fine for me shipping-wise as well). Maybe Near would do well to have a friend like Minoru who came off smart and relatable to him in an interesting way, and who also immediately understood that something like having the power of Kira handed to him wasn't automatic good news and didn't want to use it to kill anybody. Minoru could maybe be Near’s chill voice of reason when he gets a little too cynical and stubborn about things and get him out of the house a bit more, introduce him to some of the things the kids are into these days and see what he thinks about them. I feel like Near would maybe do well to not be so caught up in his role as L anymore as well, as it doesn't really seem to be agreeing with him that much later in life. I can picture them doing something fun and low stakes and nerdy together like hanging out at a board game cafe. Or maybe it'd even be nice to see them working together on L stuff, and maybe Near would be a happier person with an actual pal to hang out with.

[sendothetaurus]

Scaramouche deserved better

This is kind of a hot take on chapter III of the archon quest.

I love theorizing and picking things apart, so please don't come for me bhfwlahwlxnfl.

It might be useful to have some knowledge about what has happened so far. (This post is very long, also SPOILERS)

Remember, this is an opinion, not a fact or an offence against anybody. This has nothing to do with the cn drama. This is just me nitpicking at the story lol

The erasure of Scaramouche’s past was unnecessary.

In hindsight, it is a repetitive plot line, already established with the “death” of Greater Lord Rukkhadevata. She ceased because she eliminated the forbidden knowledge and therefore stopped the withering in Irminsul. In context, her disappearance made sense. With Scaramouche, however, it doesn’t: All the carefully thought through occurrences, all the relationships and connections between characters are annihilated in the process of changing Scaramouche’s past. Did it matter that Ei left her almost literal son alone? No, because she doesn’t remember. Did it matter that Niwa and Mikoshi Nagamasa accepted and perhaps loved the Kabukimono? No, because they are long dead and they have forgotten that he even existed. Did it matter that he found out the truth about Dottore’s murder? No, because Niwa died in the furnace instead, or so everyone believes. Why let everyone forget he killed hundreds of swordsmiths only to retell the truth? It would have made more sense if it wasn’t even erased in the first place. The only thing remaining for the Wanderer is the agony that nobody remembers except for a chosen few and himself. If anything, he only brought suffering upon himself. In the end, a very huge part of character development is lost this way.

By erasing himself, Scaramouche didn’t achieve anything.

If he hadn’t forgotten himself, there would be no rescue arc for him. He hadn’t changed his mind about the Traveler at that point in the story. In Act III, Inversion of Genesis, The Night-Bird Falls at the Curtain's Call, Scaramouche specifically states:

“...Or maybe killing me is all you can think about? But if that's the case, why haven't you done it already? [...] Sometimes it's you using them, other times it's them using you. Most human relationships are this way... certainly all the stable ones are. That's how it was between me and the Fatui, and also between each of the Harbingers. So as long as you have some value to offer, nobody will ever abandon you. But after recent events, even I have to admit that I'm not worth quite what I used to be…”

What I take from this are three things: Scaramouche acknowledges the Traveler as a threat. He uses Nahida’s deal as a backup for his own safety because providing utility to others is what he defines as a stable relationship. He also accepts his position as inferior - for the time being. This is the start of the turning point.

The Wanderer later says in Act III, Inversion of Genesis, As Though Morning Dew:

“Even if I'm completely worthless, there's nothing in the world worth regretting. [...] Utility to others is what gives me worth. So if embracing my sins is what it takes to make me useful again, so be it. [...] Sorry if I have a slightly different perspective on things. [...] Well, whatever your reasons, you did me a favor, and I'll do everything I can to pay it back. [...] Borrowing and returning are the only real relationships between individuals. I'll balance the books one day, don't you worry.”

He didn’t change his view of relationships, as much is clear. This logically drives him to “repay the favor” the Traveler did for him. Fueled by his unchanging way of understanding a true and kind-hearted relationship, it sounds like the Wanderer just atones for his sins because someone (in this case Nahida; she concludes: “In all honesty, your past experiences have made you a useful asset to Sumeru and to me. Winning you over was indeed a part of my plan.”) wants him to. This again makes him a puppet to his circumstance, instead of empowering him to make the right choice on his own. His whole life, it was the circumstance that created the scornful being he became in the end (this is a reference to the three betrayals and his relationship with the Fatui). His will to be “of use” actually hindered him in finding a path that is not influenced by others. Him realizing this would be a satisfying and meaningful way to change the tides of the storyline and would carry an important message.

The existence of the Wanderer doesn’t make sense.

It is unclear how much control Scaramouche had over the creation of the Wanderer and if he was involved in the changes that were made around Teyvat. Irminsul has its limits on what it can and cannot change. Then again, I feel like the fact that he forgot himself was merely a catalyst for the current events, speeding up the pace for him to switch sides. Did the Wanderer just wake up the morning Paimon forgot about Scaramouche? How did he exit Irminsul if he forgot everything? Where do his clothes come from? Why was he in the wilderness when he woke up? We don’t know what life the Wanderer believed to have lived before regaining his memories, which is a major plot hole that could be filled in the future. But arguably the most jarring thing about the Wanderer is his personality.

What purpose does the character serve story-wise? For sure, it’s displaying a contrast between the two entities, the yin to the yang one could say. Maybe it’s meant as a “what could have been” or as an example for gratitude and affability, traits which Scaramouche never possessed. How can it be that someone so cruel and relentless carries something so pure at heart inside of him? If it hadn’t been for all the betrayals maybe this is what we would have gotten instead. It shows how the world changed Scaramouche when he felt powerless in the face of hardship. Which is why he defined his worth as the acknowledgement and utility to others - because he couldn’t find it within himself. Because he felt inferior to everything and everyone from his birth to his procession of achieving Godhood. And in the end, he lost everything but his body.

This consequently motivates the Wanderer to seek the truth about his past. Through him we get insight on both Scaramouche’s and Wanderer’s thoughts:

“I don't think I can judge everything I've heard purely in terms of right and wrong. Each choice a person makes belongs to a specific place and time, a chain of cause and effect... a cycle of karma and consequence. [...] I'm just a puppet, with no heart and no name. There is nothing in this world for me to cling to, to fill the void within me... except maybe these sins that can never be undone. [...] I've always believed that human lives follow a set of rules, with each person being a collection of past experiences. As a puppet living in the human world, my life is subject to the same rules. [...]  I've lived with a void in my chest my whole life. My creator didn't need me, and ever since I awoke, I've just drifted from one place to the next. [...] I've always felt I have an innate tendency to yearn for something more, in a way that goes deeper than for most people... But for all my soul-searching as a shugenja, I've never fully understood it. Looking at it now, it seems that I brought this curse upon myself.”

This is the first and only time the Wanderer admits this to himself; that he was searching for something that ultimately led him to his demise. After regaining his memories, he reverts to his old self, as explained above. Even if it is a very clever way to make the character consistent throughout the story, I wished we would have seen some character development, especially of Scaramouche since he’s the one filling The Wanderers consciousness.

I thought about how it would be to remember two lifetimes in one body: Even if someone told you what you did in another life, would that change who you are now? Then what if you had memories of that other life inside you, would that erase the you that is currently existing? This is why I don’t agree with Nahida’s statement:

“If you accept that he is you, just as you are you, then yes - you are evil.”

It feeds into the fact that The Wanderer’s personality later resembles the one of Scaramouche. The Wanderer accepts that he is “evil” and has to “face the music”. Again, he takes responsibility for Scaramouche’s past because his will to be of utility to others presses him to do it. Clearly, in this moment he had the chance to turn his back on his past and instead live on as the more kind and benevolent version of himself. I would have liked to spend more time with the soft Wanderer, the one that was born with a pure “heart”, the one who learned to love instead of hate. It would have left a bitter-sweet feeling because he would be content like this, never truly understanding why he inflicted these cruel things on others.

Let's look at this from yet another perspective: What if Scaramouche wanted to forget about the deaths, the betrayals at the cost of losing the memory of his friends too? Wouldn’t that have been a far greater punishment? To know that you willingly wipe out every single last teardrop and every single spark of joy? On the other hand, I understand why other people would despise this ending because Scaramouche would never really have to feel any lasting consequence for what he did. He would just be “neutralized”.

The alternation of Irminsul’s records has differing effects.

The Doctor still did the experiments, so the results must be in his possession. Despite not knowing who he experimented with, The Doctor would still have knowledge of how to create a God. This can be concluded because Paimon accidentally broke a vase when she was worried about Scaramouche. After “changing” the past, the vase is still broken. This indicates that the general memory of everyone changed, however the world remained the same. All objects are still the way they were before the change occurred. This is an interesting concept of changing the past, but it doesn’t add up with what happens in the plot. After Scaramouche’s meddling with Irminsul’s records, the Traveler meets Aqaba and Sawada, whose research was altered in favor of erasing Scaramouche. However, this shouldn’t be possible according to what we learn at the end of the story when the mysterious voice talks to the Traveler.

“History does not change easily, but human hearts can. Believe your own eyes. Only that which you see is true. What is unseen is but an illusion.”

Irminsul can change what people believe, meaning knowledge and wisdom, not real objects, occurrences and consequences  - is what I suspect. Regardless, the voice also says:

“Unfortunately, the fate of Teyvat cannot easily be changed. Perhaps a god may have a slim chance, but for anyone else... who can say. When a small animal runs into a tree trunk, though the tree may sway, it is not displaced. The same is true of fate. Like a vase that falls to the ground. Whether it is broken by a cat or by a bird, the result is still a broken vase, is it not?”

The statement is true to what happened when Scaramouche tried to rescue his friends so that they would survive Il Dottore’s attack. They died either way, despite the Kabukimono “not being there”.

The Doctor’s power remains unclear.

He himself admits while negotiating with Nahida:

“A long time ago, I made a major decision in hopes of preserving all my perspectives of how I observed the world. Observation is the first step of any experiment, but observing the current world doesn't satisfy me. It lacks an important dimension — that of time. So I saved "segments" of all my ages, and made them into independent individuals… [...] What you request of me is like plucking out the eyes I have placed in the dimension of time. [...] Besides, with my abilities, it's only a matter of time until I find better "perspectives." Perhaps it's best to say... you're just temporarily ahead.”

The Travel Log specifies:

“As Nahida closes her eyes, many voices enter her consciousness: Some are young, some are old, some are angry, and some are helpless... All of them are the voices of The Doctor's segments, each derived from him at a different age.”

From what I understand, the Doctor has created segments, that each are positioned in a specific point in time to keep an eye on certain events, and with whom he can communicate. Since the Doctor is able to see through time, it would be possible for him to relive the past without the interference of Irminsul, as it merely changes the memories of the people. For the Doctor it would be possible to recount the truth because he would see it with his own eyes. This is what makes his segments all the more dangerous to the fate of Teyvat. However, the Doctor clarifies that he can find other ways to watch time, and the annihilation of his segments just set him back temporarily. With that said, he’s one of a few people who are unaffected by alternation of Irminsul, just like the Descenders. The question is if he can control these segments to even change how some occurrences took place - which would give him the power to literally change the past. With this in mind, there is a possibility that Scaramouche could be able to save his friends. It would give him a reason to pursue the Doctor and to work together with the Traveler. It would be an interesting concept for them to acquire the Doctor’s power to go back in time and to see the real consequence. But for the Doctor to be able to “alter” fate, he must become a God himself. At least, this is what the mysterious voice tells the Traveler. Another possibility is for the Wanderer and the Traveler to encounter the God of Time or an equally powerful entity. However, this is just speculation.

***

If you've read all this, thank you so much for your time ♥

[rouf-4]

South Node and how we detached from our partners: Synastry Edition part 2

Ok, I have to say that even though SN is a really karmic point in our chart, I recently found out that all that theory of reincarnation and past life is something really recent (apparently) and in old vendic astrology they consider North Node and South Node shadow planets, I don't necessarily dismiss the reincarnation and past karma theory, but in my little research I found interesting how they see this shadow planets like a challenging energy (malefics), for North Node is mainly known for its obsessive, tricky and materialistic characteristics (due to its lack of a physical body) and the South Node is known for it's detachment, elusive and introspective characteristics (due to the lack of a head).

Accordingly to what I already explained, I notice that it makes a lot of sense to see their effect in that area of our chart, and in the area of others chart (synastry), I notice something that change a lot in old vendic astrology is that they don't try to make people erase their SN, instead they encourage people to learn both lesson (Rahu and Ketu) and also Ketu, even with it's malefic energy, is really prominent in charts of great astrologers.

With that in mind, we can say Ketu make us detached from all the material word and the tangible, so it's effects force an introspection (the kind of introspection is going to be dictated by the sign Ketu is in) that is going to take away our physical sense in the area of our life, example: if you have Ketu in cancer in the 5th house, your going to have an emotional introspection that make you detached to your children, your creative project, your childhood or your inner child, this is to gain a sense of reflection and individualism (a head) in that area of our life.

Now we will see how ketu detachment can manifest in synastry depending of the axis it touch:

Their/ your ketu in the 7th house: This is twin flames placement for sure, Ketu person probably find a lot in common with the house person (Rahu in the 1st house), this can be great, but also can bring a lot of jealousy into the interaction, Ketu person may feel lacking in front of house person, and this could turn an instant click into a passive aggressive approach to the other, ketu person is unable to not notice house person, but they'll try to dismiss any potential relationships they could have with house person; that's when Ketu person may start to mimic house person behavior (trying to get a reaction), but then dismissing house person likeability or attractiveness, ketu person motivated by their own insecurities (Rahu in the 1st house) will denied any interest they may feel in the other person. I studied a case where Ketu person actively did stuff to provoke the house person, but then just acted like house person was crazy when confronted, honestly this placement can bring a lot of gaslighting if not develop.

Their/ your Ketu in the 8th house: Stalker tendencies can come with this placement, specially the house person can feel a lot of intrigue for the Ketu person. House person feel extreme dislike for Ketu person, but somehow they still obsess with what Ketu person do, may even extort Ketu person cause they feel a need to control Ketu person dangerous side; also Ketu person may feel entitled of house person possessions, so it's not unusual seeing this in s*x workers who trick guys, or guys (house person) who wants to dominate s*x workers (Ketu person). Ketu person may wants house person money and nothing else (Rahu in the 2nd house), and may refuse any intimate request make by the house person, this can make the house person aggressively pursue Ketu person and try to control financially what they do or don't do. Ketu person may feel disrespected emotionally by house person intense approach. I've seen this in criminal-victim dynamics, and some of them ended violently.

Their/ your Ketu in the 9th house: like with any Ketu placements, there's always going to be some difficulties, but actually Ketu in the 9th house tend to be a good placement in synastry, cause even when they see their big picture or future quite different, they relate deep mentally, so it's not uncommon to see Ketu person being that friend who left town, but still keeping up with their old friend, cause they feel deeply understood by house person. Long-lasting conversations are the norm for these people, they tend to get along so well that even the smallest details can get into a endless talk, they may know so well what the other is thinking, but struggles to get what the other wants for the future (communication is the key, and they already have it), also can be hard for cultural exchange cause Ketu person may feel apathy for the house person tradition, religion and patriotism, even though I seem people with this synastry that get married, cause even when they don't get along in future plans, they feel more connected to Ketu person (Rahu in the 3rd house) than they feel attached to their traditions (strong Mercury or 3rd house people). Any way Ketu energy is actually really familiar with 9th house energy, so even with this apathy, these people can find a meaningful connection through detachment.

Their/ your Ketu in the 10th house: This is 50's ladies coming back home and letting their husbands work to provide them, I mean not always, but this is a really intimate and obsessive relationships, Ketu person doesn't care about house person place in the world, but their place in their heart and life (Rahu in the 4th house), house person may feel intended to be with Ketu person cause they see who they indeed are. Ketu person could want to start a family, and want house person to compromise early in the relationship, this could manifest like those inseparable partners; the huge level of codependency with this placement is scary, and even though these natives can have a kinda private and reclusive relationships, most people could not notice house person interest in Ketu person, or house person could actively seek to dismiss their feeling for Ketu person when they are in public. Ketu person may feel apathy for public reactions to their relationship, and totally disregard house person feeling, they couldn't care less about high aspirations house person may have, they could threathen house person into giving up their dreams and stay at home. House person may feel ashamed of ketu person, or just feeling vulnerable to what people can think about them.

Their/ your Ketu in the 11th house: This is quite similar to Ketu in 9th house, Ketu person doesn't fit house person ideals, but somehow, there's a spark between these two that intoxicated them (Rahu in the 5th house), house person could feel ketu person can't get what they're planning, but, at the same time, Ketu person scenically recognize their authentic self. Ketu person may find house person dream way too fanciful and unpractical, but, they just can help, but feel revitalize when they are around house person. Collective practices and efforts done by the house person, will be seen as annoying cause this would keep house person away from Ketu person. Ketu person is unsupportive and pessimistic with house person dreams and idealistic views, but at the same time this would bring some realistic perspective into the relationship and its projects. If house person lack 11th house energy, this couple can turn self-centered and loose contact with others realities, but if house person resonates way too much with 11th house energy this could make them feel divided between love (Rahu in the 5th house) and social obligation (Ketu in the 11th house); generally their personal desires end up winning, and this relationship is intense and passionate, but, hardly long-lasted.

Their/ your Ketu in the 12th house: I call this the magical feeling you loose to find the realness in daily life with other, as everything with Ketu, we always have to detached from something in other to get something else, that's how House person could feel that what they have to left is too much; with Ketu person there's no sparkly eyes, castles or white horses, there's just a comfortable company and a helpful disposition, they both find the other ordinary, but, that's exactly what drive them crazy about the other, the typical couple that didn't know what they found attractive about the other, House person just can scape Ketu person company, and actually they don't want to (Rahu in the 6th house). House person is going to find a sense of productiveness in there every day life when they are with Ketu person; any frustration, sadness or sorrow will be notice by Ketu person, meanwhile any victimization or delusional behavior will be shut down or dismissed by ketu person indiference. If there's an strong Neptune, 12th house or pisces, house person will be obligated to be realistic when they are with Ketu person, if otherwise ketu person could mean a deep cut with esoteric forces in the house person life, this could leave to really long lasting relationship, cause they will feel drawn to be together.

...

Disclaimer: This interpretation can change according to other synastry aspects, example: if you have sn in someone 3rd house, if can change if mercury is trine Jupiter, cause Jupiter is going to expand communication in a harmonious way (trine).

Note: Well that was it, I did enjoy to deep a little into these aspects, honestly something I just found out recently, but I didn't write last time, it's that Ketu doesn't just detached us from our partners, but also make themselves detached from something in order to be with us; ex: if someone has your Ketu in their 4th house, they will feel your detached in that area, but also as long as they keep you in their lives, they will detached themselves from that area. Ketu and Rahu are what we detached from, in order to get something else, balance is required in this process, cause, one can loose in Rahu excessiveness, or in Ketu apathy. Any way if you want me to deep a little more on Rahu leave a comment ✌️

Do not copy pls

© Rouf

[pascaloverx]

Hit The Road

Chapter Ten

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Summary: You are a hunter of supernatural beings who is forced to experience a new reality: being a vampire. The only thing stronger than your thirst for blood is your thirst for revenge.

Author's note: the characters mentioned here were created by Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec, based on the book series of the same name by author L. J. Smith. They don't belong to me. That said, this fanfic will be short. This fanfic may address scenes of violence, inappropriate language and adult content. Minors should not interact with this story. Also some information here is not in the order of the series or the same way it happened in the tv series. I'm changing some things to fit the fanfic story. Hope you like it!

You decided to provoke memories, whether good or bad. Depending on yourself is not working. Whatever happened to your brain, you're having no memories, only suggestive nightmares. In the last nightmare, you were trying to kill Damon and Stefan stopped you, causing his death. In the previous one, you tried to kill Stefan and he turned you into a vampire. There was a nightmare that you even dreamed about your old hunting clan, where they banished you and threatened to kill you and anyone else that is covering up vampires or werewolves. You can no longer trust yourself, just like you can't ask anyone else what happened. So you decided to look for the cabin of your visions. 

"You shouldn't be here." You hear a female voice speaking as soon as you arrive at the place where the cabin is. Cabin that you used to have dates with the Salvatore's brothers. 

"And who are you?" You ask, feeling like you've seen that face before. The witch who helped you erase your memory.

"I'm glad you actually forgot what you needed but I think you're making serious mistakes." The witch says with a certain tone of certainty, as if warning you of your own good.

"I need to know what happened to me. Nothing else matters beyond that." You don't even know exactly what you're saying but you know you want to know who it is.

"That's what you think. Have you ever stopped to think that leaving this city and forgetting everyone was your decision?" She's absolutely right. You caused this to yourself.

"In that case, I should know more about myself. I can't go through life ignoring part of my history." You respond almost breathlessly, there's something desperate about having no idea who you truly are.

"I told you this would happen, you thought forgetting Damon and Stefan would be enough. But it wasn't. I'll tell you enough so you can decide if you really want to remember everything." The witch speaks in an enigmatic way, giving a mysterious tone to this conversation.

"I accept the consequences of knowing the truth, you can tell me." You try to appear confident but inside you are nervous.

"Your memory needed to be erased because the hunters were hunting you and the Salvatore's like crazy. They used a type of spell that tracks feelings and memories." The witch says and something inside you start to fit in.

"Were you the one who erased Stefan's and my memories?" You asked wanting to fill this gap.

"Yes, Stefan by accident; he didn't want you to erase his memory. Like the good "hero" he tried to stop it and ended up falling under the spell." No wonder he was against this joke. Suddenly his heart seems to tighten. 

"Just tell me one thing, who killed me?" You ask, hopeful that you will finally be able to put an end to this doubt.

"I think deep down you know the answer. But I understand that your mind doesn't let you see things clearly. The spell to track your feelings and memories started to drive you crazy.  Your sense of reality was ending. You almost killed Damon. And..." The witch seems to be avoiding getting to the main point.

"Stefan killed me to stop me. It makes sense." You speak as if you finally understand everything.

"He did it with great pain in his heart. You two no longer had any memory of what you felt for each other. I'm sorry for what happened." Bonnie says softly and soon after you fell to the ground. You start to remember Bonnie, the witch in front of you who helped you; and suddenly you remember everything. Unconsciously and with a bloody nose, trembling. You feel like you're dying. But in fact, you are being reborn. Your memory is with you again. What you didn't realize is that your old clan is also getting closer.

[stage-of-sekai]

lesson O2: eye shape and coloring.

Eyes are arguably the most important part of a piece of art. Mostly because they are usually a focal point of most drawings. This is especially clear in Project SEKAI! It's one of the things that define the art style. Let's look at some examples, so we can get a feel for what we need to recreate.

Let's look at these two card trims! As you can see, both Saki and Honami have different eye shapes. To get a better look at this, let's break these two down into basic shapes.

Here, you can see some differences in how their eyes are drawn. Saki's are very round and full of life, while Honami's are a bit more curved. This is done intentionally to convey character personality. So, we want to be sure to capture that when drawing. This comparison can be made with everyone in the cast. Using this chart below, one can notice all the different eye shapes in the game.

So, for this particular example, I wanted to redraw the eyes of the Nene card below. First, we need to determine a few things.

We need to determine where it is she is looking, so we can get a better idea of where her line of sight would be.

We can assume that Nene, in this card, is looking to the left.

After erasing the eyes from the card, I began to decide on where the eggs should be locating, loosely referring to the card when needed.

To determine where I wanted the eyes, I split her face into fourths, sketching the eyes according to these new guidelines.

This is ultimately my rough placement of her eyes. I focused on two things with this sketch; placement and eye shape.

I then refined this basic shape, mapping out the eyelids more, and getting a basic idea of where the eyelashes would go.

I then added in these eyelashes, following the line of her eye to make them look natural.

Then, I refined the bottom of her eye, as well as adding the crease of her eyes.

Then, it was time to sketch out where the pupils would be. Keeping the line of vision in mind, I also loosely placed the area I wanted her irises to be.

Notice here that the pupil sits neatly on the bottom of the eye. This is something that is usually done in the art style to define where the bottom of the eye is.

I then added a clipping layer, going in with a lighter redd-ish brown color and coloring the edges of her eyes with this color. As for her pupil, I colored it with a darker version of her eye color, just to make things look smoother.

Then, I made a layer under my sketch, filling in the pupil with the base color of her eye, which is usually neither the slightest nor darkest shade of the eye.

I then added in the darkest and lightest parts of the eye. The darkest part usually forms a crescent above the iris, while the slightest part of the eye forms a circle near the bottom of the iris, extending down to the bottom of the pupil, while still keeping a circular shape.

Then, I added the most noticeable highlight, which is usually next to the pupils on both eyes. It can be either to the left or right, but because of her line of vision, it would be to the left in this case because of how the light would be hitting her face.

I also added a half circle around her iris, which changes from a more light saturated purple on the light part, to a darker purple on the base color.

I then made a line of white under the half circle by doing repeated strokes in a downward motion to mimic the look of light reflecting on the eye.

Also, using a color close to that purple, on the color wheel (which in this case, was blue), I added highlights to the darkest part of her eye.

After that, I made a layer under this one to do the white of her eye. The top part almost always is shaded by a blue or purple color in most Project SEKAI cards. I used a blue here, seeing as her eyes were purple. The rest was colored in white.

After adjusting the position of the eyes a bit, I added a clipping layer on top of the sketch, coloring the crease of her eyes a pink color to match her skin. I also lightly airbrushed her skin color over the bottom of her eyes to make it appear "softer".

To compare, my eyes are on the left, and the original eyes are on the right.

This tutorial can be applied to eyes of any character of any gender, as long as you know the base shape of their eye!

My next lesson will be on hair, as I myself struggle with it at times. I hope this lesson was able to help you! If it did, please consider reblogging this post so I can reach more people!

If you have a question, shoot me a message through the askbox!

[apollos-boyfriend]

my main beef with matpat was the kris/frisk/chara misgendering and the indie dev thing what the fuck did he do?????

like outside of those things you mean? here's the ones i'd listed/instantly came to mind. a lot of things people rag on him about are like OLD old (early 2010s, like the whole "basing pyro's sex off of weird pseudoscience), which is why i won't be listing Every issue i've had because i want to assume he's grown and changed since then, at least with those things. anyways

has a weird tendency of equating video games to real-life murders. the first time i can remember him doing it was with the first ever fnaf theory, where he said it was about the actual murder of chuck-e-cheese employees and that you played as the murderer rotting in hell. which is. weird enough. but that was 2014, nearly 10 years ago, shit happens. however. that was the only time he's done this. it happened again in 2017-2019 with petscop, equating the game to the murder of a 10 year old girl. and, to his full defense, the creator of petscop ALLEGEDLY said that he did start basing his game off of that case, but that he severely regrets it and regards it as an extremely stupid decision. that doesn't make matpat's actions any less weird, because if you realize a game is Actually tied to the killing of a real-life child, just. don't fucking comment on it. it's weird and even the creator regrets his decision to do so.

on a theory about what i think was a alleged fnaf arg, he asked for his followers to help him "discover more clues" by asking them to physically call/visit locations in the real world he believed were connected to this so-called arg. (from my knowledge, this arg doesn't exist btw.) at NO point during the writing, producing, recording, editing, etc of the video did he manage to connect the dots that, hey, doxxing real-life locations for my fans to swarm to is a Bad Fucking Idea, meanwhile every other major fnaf community rushed to shut it down the SECOND his video came out, with large reddit, twitter, etc accounts imploring for fans not to listen to him, and that similar incidents have happened in the past and led to nothing (to the point where scott cawthon himself has had to step in and tell people to knock it off). i can't remember exactly how long it took for him to take it down/call off the masses, but the fact that it even got published in the first place is honestly just inexcusable, both for him and for his team (this was june of last year)

he blamed etika's suicide on cancel culture and has never apologized. the tweet is still up, for some insane fucking reason, although multiple people both close to matpat and close to etika corrected him on completely erasing the issue of mental health (this was 2019)

and lastly, while i've heard rumors of him stealing theories for years now, the only first-hand i've seen was his hermitcraft theory. the original creator of the theory can be found here [link], alongside all his theories, evidence of theft, etc. she has never been properly credited for this, and those who tried to comment on the video to properly do so had their comments instantly deleted. (this was late 2021)

[redtail-lol]

Updated views on "third gender" because I'm fully ready to put the feelings I've had to words.

I don't want to use it to describe myself anymore. Me, being aliagender/aporagender, do have a gender separate from man and woman, but it is not third. Because many other genders have existed before it. The term "third gender" is binarist, and is akin to calling all non-democrat, non-republican political parties third parties even when there are more than one. It also ignores that some people who are in between masculinity and femininity might feel they have a gender of their own, and just because it is a combination of the two or lies in between them doesn't make it not it's own thing. So I do not want to describe myself this way

I have also learned a lot more about how it's been used not to self identify, but more often to speak on other cultures and label their genders as "third" by comparing them to white european culture. It is, as the coiner of Maverique said, "prescriptivist" (quotes because it was their words, not because I'm mocking them). As such, I do not feel comfortable using it, even if I myself live in a binary gendered culture.

WITH THAT SAID, I still think people who say "nonbinary isn't a third gender" (or in some cases I've even seen "nonbinary isn't a magical third gender") are usually being shitty 9 times out of 10, because the way they use the statement isn't to point out that the term third gender is colonialist, but to erase the existence of nonbinary people who have genders that are fully not "man" and fully not "woman" and have no relation to them. To invalidate being attracted to nonbinary people because all nonbinary people are just men and/or women or agender. To defend the existence of nonbinary people who are men and/or women, at least partially, at the expense of nonbinary people who aren't (if you wanna say "nonbinary is an umbrella term for identities like bigender, genderfluid, demigenders, androgyne, and agender" after saying it's not a third gender, you gotta add maverique, aporagender, and/or outherine to the list, and why not throw in xenogender too). The very real and valid critiques of the colonialist usage of third gender does not change my mind on the erasure of outherininty, maverinity, and aporinity.

[alexandersfyp]

Hi, I follow you on Instagram and I just wanted to ask you a small question, why do you dislike Alexaniel? I'm just a bit curious I think that it's the most popular ship in this fandom and I just wanted to hear an opinion on it from someone who doesn't like this ship at all, I hope that you are comfortable enough with this question.

Don't worry, that's a good question actually and I shall respond to it.

First I just wanted to say that I'm fine if you ship them or like this ship in general I can fully accept that, I am a very tolerant person if you ask. But in my case it's simply just not my thing and this ship simply gives me an ick, in fact it kinda always did for me being in this fandom for technically 7 years.

In my opinion Alexaniel completely waters down and erases the character traits for both Alexander and Daniel. The main motivation of Daniel during the game is to murder Alexander not to fuck him, both of these characters has a VERY toxic relationship between eachother. Alexander used and manipulated Daniel into literally killing and torturing people and Dan naturally wanted to take his revenge on him, he literally walked through the entire castle after losing his memory and with monsters around him all because he wanted to MURDER Alexander for everything he had done to him.

That because it is mentioned that Alexander at some point felt remorse about Daniel doesn't automatically mean that he was in love with him sorry not sorry. Alexander still in fact manipulated him into committing horrible things and the toxicity between both of them is huge.

My main reason now; I'm absolutely sick and tired of Alexander's beloved erasure in this fandom I'm aware that there are a lot of different interpretations on this matter but by my point of view Alexander clearly meant that he had someone who he really loved having them as a main reason why he wants to come back to his homeworld. No one will ever convince me that Alexander would choose a random British twink he knew for about 2 weeks over someone to which he wants to return for HUNDREDS of years. As someone who studied Alexander's character arc for a long time, it really pisses me off.

Xander's desperation to return to them (her in the case of my point of view) drove his actions for centuries, he clearly longs for them living in anguish because of that. (And that's a HUGE part of his character arc)

I'm pretty much sure that the SAME and only desperation Xander had, driven him into manipulating Daniel and overall treating him the way he did in the game. He doesn't (romantically) care for anyone else only his love for which he longs for, for hundreds of years, and in a case if he had to he definitely would kill Daniel if someone told him that by that he would see his beloved again.

Daniel wants to kill him as revenge for the way Alexander manipulated him into killing people and for the way he used him for his plans. Alexander had some scraps of remorse for Daniel, he cared for him but not that much because his desperation to come back to someone who he deeply loves and wants to return for years was always the main trait in his mind. Daniel wants him dead and Alexander feels a bit of remorse for ruining the psyche of a young man due to his sickening desperation but that's literally all. Alexander does NOT (romantically) love Daniel any slightest and vice versa.

Also if you have an Au sort of stuff where it all looks different for the purpose of shipping them it's alright. I'm just sharing my opinion why I personally dislike this ship and I strongly doubt that anything will change my opinion on it ever.