#{ I should have just stuck to myself and focused on being the best in school instead of wanting to make friends with everyone. }

[yuichiroswife]

{ I don’t wanna make a post like this. In fact, I’ve never wanted to make a post like this, but I have to...

I’m not gonna be actively here for... whoever knows how long and if I am, it’ll only be for certain things when I’m actually up for it. My family is pretty sure my little sister’s dog, Morgan, has breast cancer and she’s dying from it. We have tried countless times to take her to countless vets, all to no avail because the vets absolutely refuse to even take her in to look at her. They believe she’s vicious just because she’s a larger dog despite the fact she’s so very happy and lovable just like my dog, Shelby, was even on her death bed. Nobody wants to give Morgan a chance and I just can’t handle losing another dog like this when it’s only been a few years since we lost Shelby.

I’m literally in tears as I type this. I feel like everything that I do or try to do is pointless to be honest because every time I start to feel better, something comes and knocks me back down. Nothing ever goes right in this family and it really does show.

So with all that said, I just wanna say sorry for being such a flaky partner these past few years. I’ve really been trying my best, but nothing is working. }

[sunflowergirl522]

The Other Wheeler 1

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Wheeler!Reader

Summary: you’re normally the forgotten Wheeler to anyone other than Mikes friends but Eddie is captivated by you upon first glance.

Word Count: 7600

A/N: This series is just gonna be updated whenever I can get myself to focus on it. I was gonna wait till I had at least part 2 finished before posting it but Lea really wanted me to finally post it and who would I be if I kept my biggest fan waiting.

Eddie Masterlist

“Mike, come on, let's go!” Nancy yells for your brother who’s waiting for his waffles to pop out of the toaster. This is how almost every day of school has gone so far because Nancy has to get there early to do stuff with the school's paper. “I swear to God I’m going to leave you here and you can bike to school!”

“I’m coming!” He yells back through a mouthful of Eggo.

“I could always drive you.” You offer watching him wince as he grabs his newly toasted waffles. You’re just now getting yourself breakfast since you don’t have to leave for another twenty minutes. You’ve offered the same thing almost every morning and each time you’ve gotten the same response.

“It’s fine, thanks though.” He smiles at you before shoving a waffle in his mouth.

“Mike!”

“I’m coming!” He slings his bag over his shoulder as he runs out the door following your sister to her car. You’re not shocked that he picks Nancy again, it’s what everyone seems to do. To everyone other than Mike's friends you’re the forgotten Wheeler. Even your parents seem to forget you exist unless they’re comparing you to Nancy or other kids your age. You sigh before turning your attention back to the bowl of cereal in front of you. When you leave you make sure to grab the textbook Mike forgot on the counter again.

“Who’s that lost sheep over there?” Eddie asks after a while of watching the girl sitting alone bobbing her head along to whatever is playing through her headphones and doing what looks like homework while picking at the little food in front of her. He had seen her in a couple of his classes this year already and she intrigued him because she always was just listening to music or doing the work assigned. He’s not sure he’s heard or seen her talk until earlier that day when he spotted her talking to Mike and handing him a book. “Wheeler, you know her don’t you?”

“Huh?” Mike follows where the older man's attention is before turning back to him and shrugging. “Oh, yeah. That’s my sister Y/n.”

“I didn’t know you had a second sister.” Eddie leans forward and the rest of the club nods along, a little surprised to hear that. 

“Y/n’s the best, Mike doesn’t talk about her for whatever reason though.” Dustin chimes in, glaring a little at his friend. “If she was my sister I’d talk about her all the time.”

“You do talk about her all the time.” Mike rolls his eyes going back to paying attention to his food. “I’m shocked you haven’t told Eddie about her yet.”

“She never came up in conversation.” Dustin shrugs, turning back to look at Eddie. “She’s been driving me here in the mornings.”

“She’s been driving you to school? And you let her?” Mike sputters out not being able to believe this. But really he shouldn’t be surprised because from the first time you came down to the basement to offer the boys freshly baked cookies during a dungeons and dragons session Dustin and even Lucas and Will had all but claimed you as their own. Dustin even had a crush on you for the longest time before it faded away.

“Yeah, you should really take her up on her offers to drive you y'know, or you’ll be stuck coming in early with Nancy all year.”

“Y/n’s car is being held together with duct tape Dustin, duct tape. I’m not getting in that death trap.” Eddie smiles a little as he watches the two freshman bicker before turning his attention back to the Wheeler he didn’t know existed until now.

You’re oblivious to the attention you’re getting. You’re too focused on getting the math homework that’s due next period done that you didn’t have time to do after closing Elixir Records last night. You loved working at the little music store in town, it’s why you were so okay with working right after school till close, but sometimes you had to rush last minute to get your school work done because of how busy it could get. Normally you get your homework for that night done at lunch or at work with the rare time of having to stay up when you got home to finish it. Last night was one of those once in a blue moon times that you still had some to do but you were so tired from running around the shop trying to get the stock done that your coworker who walked out the day before, your day off, was supposed to do that you had passed out at your desk.

You’re distracted by finishing up the worksheet and the music flowing through your ears so you don’t notice Dustin walking up to you. His presence is so sudden and unexpected that when you glance up and see him standing in front of you you jump a bit in your seat. You pull your headphones down to sit around your neck and drop the pencil in your hand so he knows he has your full attention.

“Jeez Dustbunny give a girl some warning before popping up out of the blue.” 

“Sorry, I thought maybe you would’ve noticed me coming.”

“What do you need, bud?”

“I was just wondering if you were still willing to take me home after school? If not that’s fine Eddie offered to give me a ride since he wanted to talk to me about this new campaign he’s planning for Hellfire.” The boy in front of you points with his thumb over his shoulder at the older boy who ducks his head down when you peer around Dustin to look his way. 

You knew of Eddie Munson, it was hard not to have at least heard of him before. He was in some of your classes this year and Dustin’s told you about him and their club during the drive to school. You admired how he took your brother and his friends under his wing almost immediately. You’ve never interacted with him yourself but you knew he wasn’t the freak everyone wanted to see him as.

“Yeah I can still drive you home, I told Lucas I’d give him a ride too. But if you wanna go with Eddie that works for me. It’ll give me a smidge more time to get ready for work.”

“Okay, I’ll let him know. Are you closing the shop again tonight?”

“Yeah, you want me to see if there’s anything good in the clearance section for you again?” He smiles wide at the offer. He loved when you presented him with music you thought he’d like that you found on sale at work. Sometimes you’d even hand him a tape of an album that just came out.

“If you have time, yeah. I’ll let you get back to your work.” He motions to the almost complete worksheet in front of you. “I’ll see you tomorrow Y/n!”

“See ya Dustin.” You smile at the boy before he turns and heads back to his table. You put your headphones back on, giving Eddie a small wave when your eyes meet, and get back to finishing up the last two problems before you can move on to the work you’ve been given for tonight. 

“Tomorrow we’ll be picking lab partners for the first big project of the year.” Ms. O’Donnell rushes out after the bell rings and everyone starts collecting their things. Picking partners is your least favorite thing and you wish she would’ve just assigned them like most other teachers. You have no idea who you’d pick with not really making the effort to become friends with anyone anymore. After Barb ditched you to be better friends with Nancy you stopped trying, you figured anyone else would just do the same thing. As you make your way out of the classroom you see Eddie in the corner of your eye finishing up a doodle in his notebook, something you’ve noticed he does a lot instead of paying attention. Maybe you’ll see if he wants to be your lab partner because you doubt anyone is going to be fighting to be his. You don’t even care about doing all the work if you have to.

You rush down the hall knowing that Lucas is probably gonna beat you to your locker. His last class is right next to his own and that’s down the hall from yours. You dive around people in the halls who are moving slowly distracted by talking to their friends instead of hurrying to get home. You smile when you see Lucas walking up to your locker unlocking it for you.

“You ready to go?” You ask, grabbing your bag and shoving your notebooks into it.

“Yeah, are we waiting for Dustin and Mike?”

“No, Dustin’s getting a ride with Eddie and Mike told me he’s going home with Nancy again.” You both make your way down the hallway towards the entrance of the school. “How were basketball tryouts yesterday?”

“They were alright, I think I made the team but I won’t be sure until next week.”

“Well if you didn’t make the team they’re dumb. You’re a great player, I mean you always beat me when we play together.” You bump your shoulder into his own and he laughs at you.

“Yeah that’s because you suck at sports.” You send him a mock hurt face over the roof of your car.

“That’s the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me.” Lucas just rolls his eyes getting into the car and you shoot him a smile once you’re seated next to him. “Seriously though Lukey I’m sure you made the team you’ve been practicing since you found out about the team.”

“Stop using that nickname Y/n, I’m not a little kid anymore.” He groans out but turns to look out of the window so you can’t see the small smile on his face.

“I’ll never stop. Now let’s go get your sister and blow this popsicle stand.” With that you pull out of the parking spot and start over to the middle school.

You make it to work twenty minutes early but after getting home and changing your dad started going on about how you need to do stuff for college already and how Nancy already filled out college applications. All you wanted to do was scream about how that’s because Nancy knew what she wanted to do after high school and the only thing on your radar is moving out as soon as you graduate. You didn’t though, you had stopped responding to his tangents with anything other than ‘yeah I’ll get right on that dad’ since the first time you got held back in the eighth grade. 

You searched through the cassettes on sale deciding on the Eagles first album to get for Dustin before checking that you can clock in. You spend the first hour of your shift restocking the vinyls that are getting low. Once that’s finished you switch out the album that had finished playing over the store's speakers for a new one before moving behind the counter for the next six hours of your shift. After checking out the two people that were in the shop you pull out the book assigned for English to get the next chapter read for the day after tomorrow. You’re halfway through it when the bell above the door chimes once more and you glance up from it to find Eddie Munson himself entering the store. You giggle at his wide eyes from the sound of the new bell and his head snaps from where it’s tilted up to examine where the chime came from to where you’re sitting behind the counter. His mouth parts slightly as you give him a friendly smile before looking back down at the book and continuing reading.

Eddie stumbles a bit at seeing you here. He’s been buying albums from this store almost exclusively since it opened and he’s never seen you here. He never would’ve thought that the intriguing girl he just found out was Mike’s sister would be working at his favorite music store the night he came for a fucking Abba album. His eyes keep finding their way to your slouched over figure as he makes his way over to where he knows he’ll find their Super Trouper album. On his way to the counter he grabs a Megadeth album that he definitely already has to make this situation less weird.

“Did you find everything okay?” You ask putting in the bookmark and shutting the book before placing it off to the side.

“Yeah.” He so badly wants to say something else to you but his mind blanks as he hesitantly places the tapes on the counter.

“Do you wanna be my lab partner in Ms. O’Donnells class?” You blurt it out as you ring him up.

“What?”

“We’re in the same science class and she said we’re picking lab partners tomorrow.”

“No, I know that. You want to be mine?”

“Well yeah. Why not? Unless you already have one of course. I just don’t really have anyone else I’d want to do it with.” Your voice softens near the end and Eddie can see a hint of loneliness flash across your face before you try to cover it up with a smile. He can tell that’s what it is based on your words, tone, and the fact that he’s felt the same way before. It’s not often people want to hang around the town freak.

“Nah I don’t have one yet. So if you’ll have me Y/n I’ll be your partner.”

“You know who I am?”

“Yeah, I noticed you sitting alone at lunch today and Mike and Dustin told me about you.” He rubs the back of his neck a little embarrassed to admit that he was watching you.

“Mike was talking about me? Willingly?” The disbelief is strong in your voice and it shocks Eddie because as soon as the two boys had started talking about you they couldn’t seem to stop.

“Why do you sound so shocked about that?” Eddie leans his elbows on the counter resting his weight on them.

“Oh, it’s just I don’t know, Mike never seems to be all that interested in being related to me I guess. It’s not that we have a bad relationship or anything, he just seems to want to be around Nancy more. Probably because they’re closer in age.” You add in the last part more to reassure yourself.

“Really? He seemed to have nothing but good things to say about you and I’ve never seen him talk about Nancy with the sort of excitement he had today. And Dustin seems to absolutely adore you.” You can feel yourself getting flustered at his words and his scrutinizing gaze.

“Oh I love Dustin, he’s my little Dustbunny.” You look away as you begin to bag up his items and he chuckles at the nickname.

“Dustbunny?”

“Oh shit, don’t tell him you know that. As much as Mike's friends enjoy my nicknames for them, they hate when I use them in public for everyone else to hear. You should see Lucas’s face when I use his, he’s slapped a hand over my mouth before.” You laugh just thinking about it and Eddie finds himself hoping to hear the sound again. “Their friend Will gets absolutely blushy when I say his a little too loudly.”

“Oh I definitely need to know what all of their nicknames are.” You shake your head and mimic zipping your mouth shut and throwing the key over the counter. “You can’t just tell me they hate them and not tell me!” Eddie complains before diving to act like he’s searching for the key and jumping up victoriously and acting out unlocking your mouth. “Please, you’re killing me here Y/n.” You ignore the feeling of his fingers on your lips as he unzips them and laugh as you knock his hand away.

“Fine I’ll tell you Will’s since he’s all the way in Cali and it’s unlikely you’ll meet him anytime soon.” You let out another round of giggles at how he perks up at hearing that. “I call him Yam Yam. It started as just calling him Will Yam since his full name is William but then I discovered how much fun it is to call out Yam Yam instead. Now that’s it, forget you heard his and Dustins, no one needs to know that you know alright?”

“I’m not promising anything.” He holds his hands up and shakes his head before pointing at you. “You shouldn’t have fallen into my trap and told me.”

“That’s not fair, how's anyone supposed to deny your big puppy dog eyes?” The bell above the door chimes again and you quiet down since someone else has entered the store. “How about this, you don’t bring up the nickname thing to them and I won’t tell everyone about how our resident metalhead is a secret Abba head?”

“Fine, you drive a hard bargain.”

“Your total is thirteen dollars by the way.” He places a ten and a five dollar bill on the counter while taking the bag from you.

“Keep the change.” He motions towards the tip jar next to the register. “I know all about your taped together car.”

“Get out of here I will not tolerate disrespect towards my sweet sweet car. I’ll see you tomorrow Eddie.” He laughs as you shoo him away and listens to you greet the next customer on his way out the door. He can’t seem to shake his smile the rest of the night.

The next day you’re a little shocked when Eddie takes a seat next to you in your shared third period English class. As he pulls out the chair next to you he also pulls your headphones down to rest on your neck. It causes you to immediately straighten up not sure who it was at first but relax when you see the brunette take a seat next to you.

“So, do I get a fun little nickname now that we’re friends?”

“Who said we’re friends now?”

“Uh, you did when you asked me to be your lab partner. You signed a contract and everything. Is that Motley Crue playing?” He takes the headphones you’ve placed on the table while you went to stop your walkman and places them on his head just before the music cuts off.

“I don’t remember signing any kind of contract, you'll have to talk to my lawyer. And then maybe we’ll see about that nickname you want.” You smile at him, taking the headphones back and turning to face the teacher as he starts to speak. Eddie’s attention stays on you for a little bit longer before pulling out his notebook and starting to doodle instead of paying attention.

At lunch Eddie spends the first half of it with his attention drifting from the guys over to where you’re sitting doing the same thing as yesterday. His legs bounces up and down as he fights the urge to get up and go bother you. In the end he loses the battle and pushes away from the table the screeching of the chair on the floor causing Dustin to stop mid sentence as the group watches him walk over to you.

“So, I’ve spoken to your lawyer, sadly the contract is binding and you’re stuck with me.” He says after knocking your headphones down over your face. You let out a fake sigh of disappointment as he sits next to you spreading out.

“I guess I am, you sure he couldn’t find some sort of loophole? He’s normally so good at that.”

“Nope. What are you working on?” He pulls your notebook to sit in front of him instead of you. “This doesn’t look like a list of nicknames for you to choose from.”

“It’s my psych notes. I gotta study now for the test tomorrow because I probably won’t have time tonight after work. Don’t worry though Eddie I had a nickname picked out for you from the very beginning.” You pull said notes back to you watching how his face lights up at your words. You can’t help but match his smile with one of your own.

“What is it?”

“You’ll find out when you’ll find out.” You shrug and look away from him back down at your notes.

“What kind of an answer is that?” You laugh as his arms flail around with his question.

“Looks like someones cozying up with Y/n.” Dustin teases Mike as they watch the two of you laugh together.

“Shut up Dustbunny.” Mike grumbles to his friend as he turns away and focuses on his food again in a mood over Eddie seeming to be into his sister.

“You’re not supposed to call me that Mikey Mouse.” Dustin kicks Mike under the table. “You gonna go all overprotective little brother mode on him?”

“Pft no why would I?”

“Because you do that. You don’t notice how you start acting towards people who seem to want to get close to her? You come off real standoffish and try to seem tougher like that’s possible.”

“I do not, just shut up Dustin.”

“Dustin! Are you coming or what?” You yell out seeing him across the parking lot at Eddie’s van. “We gotta pick up Erica!”

“I’m coming!” Once he’s in the car with you and Lucas you drive up next to Eddie and stop. “If you were coming here anyway, why'd you yell for me?”

“Because you should’ve already been in the car.” You lean over the middle console and Lucas to stick your head out the window. “Hey Eddie, you coming over to work on the project still?”

“Yeah, do you want me to follow you?” He leans down so your heads are closer together.

“No you can just head straight there since I gotta drop Dustin off first. You remember which house it is right? I know you’ve given Mike rides home after club meetings before.”

“Yeah, I remember where it is. So I’ll meet you there?”

“Yep.”

“You guys done throwing goo goo eyes at each other over me?” Lucas complains and you give him a side eye.

“Shut up Lukey Poo-” You’re cut off as Lucas throws a hand over your mouth wide eyed and pulls you back in the car.

“Okay bye Eddie she’ll see you in like not even twenty minutes! Y/n go, drive, Erica’s gonna be all crabby if we’re late again.”

“We’ll just blame it on Dustin again. See you soon Eddie!” Eddie laughs as you peel out of the parking lot turning into the middle schools. He’s pretty sure he was about to find out your nickname for Lucas if the kid hadn't pulled you back into the car. His mission is to find out your nicknames for each of the freshmen at some point.

“See you tomorrow Dustbunny!” You yell getting the middle finger in response from where he is on his doorstep. You laugh as you watch him get inside before pulling away and heading home. As you drive up your street you spot Eddie getting out of his van and Lucas groans.

“Y/n please do not yell that goddamn nickname as I walk away. Not with Eddie right there.”

“No Y/n do it.”

“Erica shut up, you’re just lucky for not having one yet.” You laugh at the Sinclairs pulling into the spot in front of the house sitting between your house and their own. You weren’t planning to use it before but now you think you will just because he complained about it. You let the kids get out first, giving Lucas time to walk away and feel safe before getting out yourself.

“Hey Eddie.” You step out of your car and give him a wave. “Hold on just one minute. Bye Erica, bye Lukey Pookey, see you both tomorrow!” Eddie laughs as the younger kids groan is loud enough that it reaches his ears.

“Lukey Pookey?”

“I normally just use the first part but when he annoys me or I can tell he’s really upset I use the full nickname. Now c’mon you get to meet the parents on our way up to my room.” Eddie’s head swims with thoughts of being a disappointment to your parents and immediately not getting an approval from them. Meanwhile you’re getting ready for whatever it is your father might say to you in front of your new friend. He’s sitting in his normal chair when you enter and you give him a wave and a smile. Your mom isn’t anywhere to be seen but you’re sure she’s in the kitchen making dinner. “Hey dad, this is Eddie, we’re gonna go work on our science project.”

“Nice to see you actually put in the effort. Maybe you’ll actually graduate this year instead of failing again.” Your heart drops at the same time that your eye twitches and your smile falls for the fraction of a millisecond, both things that Eddie catches. He doesn’t even look up from his paper to greet Eddie as he speaks.

“Yeah, that’s the plan.” You grab Eddie's wrist and quickly make your escape from the living room and into the kitchen where your mom is getting ready to make dinner it seems. “Mom this is Eddie, we’re gonna be upstairs working on a science project if you need us.”

“Is he staying for dinner?” You look at Eddie expecting him to answer the question while your mom straightens up.

“Uh, no that’s fine Mrs. Wheeler, I don't want to be a bother.”

“You wouldn’t be a bother. I normally make more food than I should in case one of Mike's friends stops by out of the blue. Not that I would need to worry about not having enough, Y/n barely ever eats with us anymore so her portion goes uneaten.” You stop the eye roll that wants to happen at how she’s trying to guilt trip you again. It’s not your fault you have to work all the time in order to pay off your car when they just straight up bought Nancy one. And you wouldn’t need to save up to get a place of your own if your dad wasn’t awful to you.

“Eddie would love to stay for dinner mom. We should really start working on our project now though.” You pull Eddie away and up the stairs pausing in your journey only to wave to Mike who’s jaw drops at seeing Eddie trail behind you.

“So, they seem interesting.” Eddie says about your parents once your door is shut and you’ve collapsed face first onto your bed. You wish you could scream into your pillow right about now. 

“Yeah, interesting is definitely a word for them.” You roll onto your back and Eddie sits next to you.

“What did your dad mean about failing again? If you don’t mind me asking, that is.” 

“I’m two years older than Nancy. The first time I got held back and failed was in the eighth grade because I had a hard time getting myself to get out of bed most mornings so I just didn’t go to school. My mom helped me get through a lot that year actually. And then I failed sophomore year because I kept skipping in order to go to work to get my car. My dad refuses to let me live either of those times down, always bringing up how pretty perfect Nancy never had to get held back.”

“Well failing isn’t that bad, I mean look at me I’m going on try number three on senior year. Schools tough, especially when you’ve got other things distracting you from it. Besides, you're not gonna fail this year because everytime I see you, you're busy working on something for classes since all your free time is at the shop. So you’ll be off to college and out of here in no time.” You smile at his words and sit up to kiss his cheek.

“Thanks Eddie, I’ll make sure you graduate this year too.”

Dinner has an awkward vibe around it that night. Eddie sits next to you, the both of you across from Mike and Nancy, the two of them not seeming to know how to act with your guest around. Nancy keeps side eyeing him while Mike just stares into Eddie’s soul. Your parents both sit at the heads of the table silently eating until your dad clears his throat.

“You wouldn’t happen to be that Munson kid would you?” His words cause you to choke on your food and Eddie sends you a worried glance before looking at your dad.

“Yes sir, that's me.”

“Didn’t you flunk out of high school?”

“No sir, I just failed senior year twice because I was too focused on my club. I’m graduating this year though my friends are helping me stay on track.”

“Y/n are you sure this is the type of person you want to surround yourself with?” You nearly spit out your drink.

“Dad!”

“I’ve heard some rumors about this kid and colleges aren’t going to want to accept you if you’re friends with freaks.’

“Ted!” Your mom exclaims while your siblings look at him wide eyes and mouths gaping. They haven’t seen the two of you in a fight in a while but Mike knows that this is definitely going to start one either between the two of you or with him and his dad.

“Eddie’s not a freak! I can’t believe you would call him that when Mikes into the same stuff that gets him called one. Eddie’s nothing but a sweetheart, you should see how he stands up for Mike and his friends and how at home they are with him. And who cares what colleges think of my friends, I don’t even think I’m going!” Your mom gasps along with Nancy. Mike is busy moving his eyes between you and your dad and Eddie places a calming hand on your knee. 

“Mrs. Wheeler, this meal is just delightful. I think it might be the best food I’ve had in a while.” Eddie says smiling towards your mom to try to break the tension a little bit. It’s not a lie either, with Wayne going to the plant early lately he’s mainly just been eating scraps.

“Oh! Thank you Eddie, feel free to come by for dinner whenever you like.”

“Sure thing!” With that everyone goes back to eating and Eddie leans over to whisper in your ear. “Next time, let’s do this at my place.”

“Yeah definitely.” You whisper back to him before focusing on your food hoping if you eat quickly enough you can escape with Eddie without another comment from your father.  

You walk Eddie to the door and wait until he gets into his van later wanting to kill time before having to go in and deal with the consequences of your words earlier. Hopefully you can avoid him altogether and go straight to your room but you can feel the storm brewing from outside. You just know he’s waiting inside getting ready for a screaming match. Something the two of you haven’t had since your second year as a sophomore and you started picking up every shift you could so as to avoid him as much as possible. 

“Y/n.” His stern yelling but not a yell voice reaches your ears as you start to walk past the living room making you wince before backtracking. 

“What?” You cross your arms standing in the entrance refusing to look away from him to glance at Mike and Nancy on the couch. You refuse to let him think he makes you even a little bit nervous by breaking eye contact first. 

“You really are stupid if you think we’re not talking about what you said at dinner.”

“I’m not stupid, I just don’t want to talk about it with you.” You grit your teeth feeling the anger boiling up inside you. 

“You’re going to college Y/n. You’re not going to be a burn out working at the music shop and living at home the rest of your life.”

“I won’t be. As soon as I graduate I’m gonna find my own place to live and you won’t have to worry about me anymore.” Mike’s eyes go wide at hearing this information, he didn’t know you were planning on moving out. Were you going to stay in town, or were you going to get the hell out of dodge? Was this year his last year to have a relationship with you before he only sees you on major holidays? Is he going to lose his big sister because his dad is that big of an asshole? He starts to get anxious at the thought and gets stuck in his head for a bit tuning out the fight in front of him.

“And I don’t want you hanging around that Munson kid anymore, he’s a bad influence on you. He’s probably the reason you think you don’t have to go to college.” You force out a fake laugh at his words and Mike’s attention goes back to the two of you.

“That’s rich, you never cared about who my friends were before so don’t try to care now. Why don’t you just open up and tell me exactly what you want to say about him.”

“No daughter of mine is going to be hanging around a known satanist!” You actually laugh at his words this time feigning wiping tears from your eyes.

“That’s funny, really it is. Because even if that were true, which it’s not, that means a satanist takes better care of your son than you do. And you should be embarrassed about that regardless of what religion Eddie may be. You’re supposed to be the protector aren’t you? So why is Eddie the one batting away the bullies and building up his self esteem and doing your job for you?”

“Get out! And don’t come back until you have a head back on your shoulders.” He points to the door and you put your hands up in surrender.

“What?” Nancy and Mike both look at each other in shock.

“Fine, I guess I won’t be coming back.” You turn on your heel and run to your room in order to pack up some clothes and buy you some time to figure out where you’re going to go. Worst case scenario you could see if Steve would let you crash at his place for a few nights. Sure the two of you aren’t the best of friends but you’re close enough after everything you’ve been through together to know that he probably wouldn’t say no. By the time you’re heading for the door you’ve decided on trying Eddie’s first, knowing where he lives because of seeing him here and there when you’ve gone to Max’s to pick her up.

“Hey, Y/n?” Mike stops you before you can leave. 

“What’s up Mikey Mouse?”

“Do you think you could drive me to school tomorrow?” Your heart swells at him wanting to spend time with you. 

“Of course I can bud.” You ruffle his hair. “Can you tell mom I love her when she gets home? I was hoping she’d be home before I left so I could say bye.” She had taken Holly out for ice cream after dinner and hasn’t gotten back yet. 

“How long do you think you’ll be gone?”

“I’ll be back when he stops being an ass. So probably in a couple days after mom reems him out and makes him apologize.”

“Where are you going to go?” He follows you out the door towards your car and you can’t help but smile at his worry.

“Don’t worry about me kid, I'll figure it out. I’ll see you tomorrow morning okay? We’re driving the Sinclairs and Dustin too.” You get in the car and start it before thinking about it and winding down your window to stick your head out to look at your brother. “I love you Mikey Mouse.” 

“I love you too Y/n/n.” You beam at him and drive off towards your destination.

“Y/n?” The sound of Max’s voice calling out to you causes you to spin around to face her trailer instead of Eddie’s. She’s crouched outside feeding her dog and straightens up as she realizes it really is you waving and walking towards her. She meets you halfway letting you give her a hug, something she hasn’t really been letting anyone do. “What are you doing here?”

“Pops kicked me out so I’m gonna see if I can crash at Eddie’s.”

“Do you wanna just crash here? My mom won’t mind, I think she’d even be excited that I had someone over.” You can hear the worry in her voice at the thought of you being kicked out.

“Nah, I’m good, Eddie and I gotta work more on this science project anyway.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah don’t worry Max and Cheese, if I can’t stay or I get uncomfortable at all I’ll come running right back over.”

“You better.” You nod at her letting go of her shoulders and heading back over to Eddie’s.

“Hey!” You yell out as she turns to head towards her door. “You want a ride to school tomorrow? I’m getting the others too. It can be like old times when I’d drive the clown car full of all of you down to the arcade.”

“Is there gonna be room in your car for that?”

“Even if there isn't, we'll make it work, we always have in the past.” There’s something on your face making her want to finally say yes to the question you’ve been asking her all year.

“Well then yeah sure. I’ll take a ride.”

“Great, see you tomorrow!” You’re smiling despite everything when you knock on Eddie’s door. Even if Max just has her headphones on and ignores everyone the whole way to school it’s still a win in your book.

“Y/n?” Eddie’s voice is full of shock as he opens the door to find you standing there with a duffel bag thrown over your shoulder. 

“Hey Eds, can I come in?” He holds open the door and steps to the side before smirking in your direction. Upon seeing him in his pajamas you worry that you may have caught him right as he was going to bed but then he probably wouldn’t have let you in so quickly.

“Eds? Is that the nickname you came up with? I thought you’d be more creative than that.”

“Oh don’t worry, you just have a couple of them.”

“So…”

“So?”

“What are you doing here Sweetheart? How did you even know where I lived?”

“Um well, funny story actually,” you offer up a sad chuckle, “my dad kinda kicked me out tonight. We really got into it after you left. I saw you over here when I helped Max and her mom move into the trailer across the street.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” He steps closer to you wanting to scratch the itch he has to pull you into his chest.

“Not really, I basically told him he should be embarrassed that you’re doing a better job raising Mike than he ever did and that seemed to be the thing that crossed the line. So that’s that. Do you think I could crash here for a night or two until my mom eventually figures out where I am and convinces me to come home?”

“Yeah of course. You can have the bed and I’ll sleep out here on the couch.”

“What? Eddie no I couldn’t take your bed. I’m the one intruding, I'll sleep on the couch.”

“Nope, can’t let you do that besides Wayne might get weird if he sees a pretty girl asleep on the couch when he gets home in the morning.” He gently grabs your wrist and pulls you through the little space there is to his room. “Sorry it’s a bit of a mess, can’t say I was expecting company.” He’s quick to kick the magazines laying on the floor under his bed while ducking down to grab the dirty clothes strewn across the floor to throw them in his hamper. He’s blushing up a storm as your eyes drag across the poster covered walls.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve seen messier. I mean I live with Mike. Is this a lion costume?” Your eyes snag on his open closet and you reach out to touch it. And here Eddie thought he couldn’t get any redder.

“Yeah, I was the cowardly lion in the school's production of The Wizard of Oz a year or two back.”

“Oh yeah, I remember going to see that. Corroded Coffin’s your band right?” Eddie watches as you step up to look at the ripped poster he and the guys had made before one of their first shows. 

“Yeah it’s just me and the older guys from Hellfire.” 

“Are you the reason Mike’s been eyeing up the guitar in the music shop lately? I think I’m gonna get it for him as a really early Christmas present when I get paid next.”

“He’s asked me a few times about playing and I told him I would teach him how to. He doesn’t even need to have his own guitar; he could use one of mine while he learns.” Speaking of guitars Eddie grabs the one he left on the bed before going to get the door and leans it in the corner of the room. “So the bathroom is right out there, hopefully you brought your own toothbrush because we don’t have extras just laying around.” Eddie walks to the door and points to the small room hoping it wouldn’t make you claustrophobic or anything. “Feel free to use the shower if you need to.” 

“Thanks again Eddie.” You stop to place a kiss on his cheek for the second time tonight on your way out. He stands there frozen for a hot minute before rushing around his room and cleaning up some more making sure he gets all the junk, like his notebooks and his copy of Lord of The Rings that he’s rereading again, that he normally just leaves on the side of the bed is put away.

You glance at the shower wondering if you should but decide against it since you did last night and you didn’t even think to bring shampoo or conditioner or anything. You had barely remembered your toothbrush and toothpaste. So you just brush your teeth and get dressed before sitting on the edge of the tub with your head in your hands. Sure you’ve been kicked out before, it’s how you know your mom will come looking for you, but something about this fight feels like your relationship with your father will forever be changed. You sigh and stand up ready to just pass out and leave the day behind you. You walk back into Eddie’s room to find him organizing his desk like a mad man. The room is a lot cleaner than it was when you first walked in.

“Did you do all this cleaning just for little old me?”

“Can’t have a princess sleeping in a pigsty.” He straightens up and smiles at you while you drop your bag onto the floor and sit on the bed. “I’ll leave you to it, come get me if you need anything.”

“Why don’t we just share the bed? It’s big enough and I promise I don’t snore.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure it’s your bed anyway and I’m not gonna lie your couch doesn’t look too comfortable.”

“Okay fine, stop begging me to sleep with you, I’ll do it.” You laugh at his over exaggerating and he smiles in accomplishment at getting the dark cloud you came back into the room with to disappear. He turns off the lights before getting into the bed next to you making sure to leave you space instead of taking all of it up like he normally does. You take him by surprise though when you shimmy your way next to him.

“Sorry, I’m a cuddler. I can go back to where I was if you want.”

“No, you’re fine. I can be a cuddler.” With that he stretches his arm out so you can rest your head on his chest.

“Thank you for everything Angel Eyes.”

“Angel Eyes?”

“It’s your nickname, since your eyes are so pretty and you like Abba too.” Eddie never felt so grateful over the darkness as he is in this moment. He can feel how red his face is at your comment about his eyes and he’s nervous you can still tell and he’s glowing like a light bulb. He clears his throat before speaking.

“Pretty unoriginal to just steal the title of a song isn’t it. You should just come up with a new one.”

“Don’t worry Eddie Bear I still have a few different ones up my sleeve. Goodnight.” You place a kiss on his chest before nestling your head into it and closing your eyes.

“Goodnight Y/n.” Eddie beams up at the ceiling and wraps his arm a little bit tighter around you.

Eddie Taglist: @sadbitchfangirl​​ @notbeforelong​​​ @munsonswhore86​​​ @navs-bhat​​ @emotionaldreamer​​ ​ @fromasgardandback​​ @rockchickrebel​​ @yourdailymemedelivery​​ @magicalchocolatecheesecake​​ @watercolorskyy​​ @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​​ ​​ @fangirling-4-ever​​  @gaysludge​​ @audhd-dragonaut​​ ​​ @eddiethesexy​ ​​ @mazerunnerrose​​ @tvserie-s-world​​ @redgetawaycar​ @eddies-lover​​ @alexis6699​

Everything Taglist: @bejeweledmastermind​ @matchamunson​ @bubsonnobx​ @practicalghost​ 

[bless-my-demons]

Redamancy: Chapter One

Jasper Hale x Reader

Series Summary: What happens when your soulmate is a vampire that struggles to maintain a diet of trying not to kill you? Common sense says run for the hills, nothing is worth your life - but my heart is whispering why not, what’s there to lose?

Warnings: Use of curse words

Notes: I was nervous to start writing from Jasper’s POV, but sometimes you just gotta send it and hope for the best. POV changes in italics at the beginning of their sections!

Word Count: 823

Series Masterlist

• January 24th, 2005 • Forks High School •

Jasper

Another boring day at this high school which means another tally added to the long list of days spent amongst hormonal teenagers for almost no reason.

Almost.

I understand the importance of learning to curb my hunger, to be able to assimilate into society as easily as my coven members. I crave the ability they possess to just exist in public without any hint of the monster that lies within. I’ll give it to Carlisle, not many places could I be immersed in an environment flush with humans, but also have the ability to blame my awkwardness with them on teenage hormones while I adjust. I’m not too keen on taking the risk with literal children, but the risk forces me to maintain a tighter grip on the bloodlust raging inside.

I still don’t like the experimentation of it all.

At least my adopted brothers and sisters are close by whenever I need. I hate that I’m not sure of myself yet, like I’m still in need of the crutch they provide should I need it. This is a never-ending war crawling under my skin. I should be strong enough to control this, I’m nearly 160 years old. I’ve commanded humans and vampires alike, why can I not command my own urges for blood?

I'm deep in my own mind walking alongside Emmett as he talks my ear off about his Jeep and the modifications he contemplates making tonight to kill time, and as we pass the front office to our high school, I nearly miss catching the door before it could crack me across the face.

Once I gain my bearings after the momentary shock of being caught in my thoughts, I let the door drift shut and look to the culprit-

Thoughts are foreign to me all of a sudden.

I immediately stop breathing in shock, my back goes rigid, and blinking becomes a thing of the past as my eyes connect with the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen.

I’ve never seen such a beautiful person, human or vampire, in my life. My eyes are greedy as I drink her in. From the white converse, worn overalls, the chunky sweater underneath to ward off the early morning chill, to her beautifully messy hair hastily clipped up in a twist at the base of her head - she’s a breath of fresh air and I’ve been submerged for over a century.

But what really catches me off guard is her scent. She smells like fresh lavender and something else so decadent I can’t quite put my finger on it. I can feel the beginnings of flames licking down my throat at just the microscopic inhale after releasing the door from my death-grip moments ago.

The scent of this bewitching girl had me in such a trance, enough that when Emmett delivers a clap to my shoulder to shake me from my thoughts, I didn’t even realize he was chuckling at my expense.

“Oh god I’m so sorry! I was so focused on my schedule that I didn’t even see you-“ she immediately began apologizing.

“No need to worry, doll. It’ll require a little more than a door to take me out.” I immediately interrupted her nervous rambling. Did I really just say that?

“Jasper Hale.” I stuck my hand out for her to shake, trying to start this introduction all over on the right foot.

I noticed her glance to my outstretched hand and back up to my face as her warm hand slid into mine.

“Y/n, Y/n Y/l/n.” She replied, still looking a little surprised. She squeezed my hand a little before allowing hers to slip from mine.

Just from the small amount of skin to skin contact with this beautiful girl, everything inside of me roars to life. I’m worried that if I glance at my hand, I’ll see the skin crawling from where the heat of her hand lingers.

Surprise, worry, anxiety, embarrassment, self-deprecation, awe - the emotions a rolodex scrolling in rapid succession in the forefront of my mind. The shock of meeting her momentarily throwing my supernatural ability for a loop. I haven’t had such shit control over the emotions surrounding me since I was a newborn vampire.

I’ve never had such an interesting reaction to something, or rather someone, before - it scares me slightly. I can only gape as Y/n turns and makes her way quickly to class.

Reader

Can someone die from stupidity?

I’m at my new high school for less than an hour and I’ve already made the biggest fool of myself. I almost just took out the most attractive human being at this school by complete accident.

After introducing myself to Jasper Hale, I hastily turned around and booked it for my first class in the hopes to avoid further insult to injury.

Smooth, Y/n. Real fucking smooth.

Next

[kawaiijohn]

Danny tries to pawn the Ghost King position off on his classmates.

Idk what I was doing, and then suddenly it turned into wes/danny I'm so fucking sorry?

T rating I embarrassed myself fucking writing this bc it came out of nowhere girl (gn) HELP

"Hey Dash how about instead of you focusing on your homework you just start beating me up, just like old times! I sure miss being slammed into a locker."

Dash looks at Fenton, confused before scoffing.

"Even though I normally love wailing on you, Fenturd, coach needs me on my best behavior. State's next week and I'm one loser swirlie away from being suspended."

"I won't scream or anything, I promise! Whaddya say? You get to beat the snot out of me and I won't even complain! I'll even thank you for it." Danny responds, looking around nervously. "But I'm in a bit of a rush, so can you make it quick and do it, say, before six tonight?"

Danny gives the other boy the saddest, most punchable puppy dog eyes he possibly can.

Dash rolls his eyes seeing Fenton ham it up. The loser only does this for his birthday, so it's really weird having him request it four months in advance. Dash decides to ignore the request, only gently pushing the dweeb out of his way. "Beat it, Fentertainment Tonite- I know you don't have a life, but I do."

Danny curses as Dash disappears down the halls.

"I know you want to punch me. You wanna do it so bad." Danny eggs on another of the jocks- Travis, he thinks. "Remember that time I said you punch like my Grandma?"

His grandma taught both his mom and aunt how to fight, but Travis doesn't need to know that.

"Beat it, jackwipe!" Travis shoves Danny out of the way and continues down the hall.

"The one time I need to be shoved into a locker or punched, none of the jocks want to even look at me." Danny bemoans.

He's already struck out with Dash and Kwan- both of which need to stay as non violent as possible with administration lurking around this close to their big game. Paulina pretended he didn't exist, and Star laughed in his face. Something about 'she already kicked his ass months ago'. Which was true, but he was certain he's done something since then worth beating him up for.

"I can't ask Sam or Tuck, it's gotta be someone I hate." Danny pauses with a shudder. "But definitely not Vlad- he already has an ego the size of the Milky Way..."

Danny hears the bell ring and wipes his sweaty palms on his pants.

He has until six tonight to get his ass beat. He can do that, right?

---

Danny is downright panicked now.

Detention really put a damper on his plans. Being stuck in a sweltering classroom with Lancer and Wes only made him more nervous. It really didn't help that Lancer needed helping hands for some after school thing.

Danny only has one option, and he's glad it's one of his 'enemies'.

"Heyyyyyy Wes, what's happening tonight?" Danny slings his arm around the tall boy's shoulder, pulling him down to pipsqueak height. "Wasn't that round of detention just fun?"

Wes nearly growls and shoves Danny off of him. "Fenton! You're the reason I was even there in the first place! If it wasn't for you and your stupid ghost bullshit I would have gotten to class on time!"

"Yeah?" Danny asks, being as annoyingly positive as he possibly can. "Well it's good that there was two of us, or else Lancer wouldn't have let either of us out until well after six!"

Danny looks at the clock nervously- five fifty.

He has ten minutes.

"I don't find moving entire stacks of chairs halfway across the school fun, or even a fair punishment for being late twice in a week. So what if the crafting club has their expo tonight? They should be the ones moving furniture." Wes tries to overtake Danny in the hall but he can't outwalk the other boy.

"But we got to spend all day with each other! Isn't that just swell?" Danny pukes in his mouth a little. He's got a goalpost to reach in less than ten minutes, and my the Ancients he's gonna do it.

"Spending time with a chronic liar and freak of nature isn't really what I consider fun, Fenton."

"Yeah, but we really bonded, don't you think? Had some quality one-on-one without you being a creep outside my house."

Wes's face reddens. "HEY! That was one time, and I don't want to have the cops chase me again. Or your parents, who are worse somehow."

"See, we're bonding here!" Danny jogs alongside Wes, making sure to keep pace at just the right level of obnoxious. But we should really bond sometime in the next... eight minutes."

"God there it is again! What? Do you have important Phantom shit to do at six or something?" Wes rubs his temples. "You're being freakier than normal today and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it."

"There's nothing to get to the bottom of, I just have something to do later. Not Phantom or ghost related- something completely normal and human, yep."

"God you piss me the fuck off, Fenton." Wes crosses his arms and blocks the doorway out of the school. "And one of these days, I'm gonna get you to confess, and then it'll be all over."

"Yeah, that's nice and all, but like, wouldn't it just be so satisfying to, I dunno, take out all that pent up frustration on me?" Danny grins devilishly at the other boy. "Come on, I have such a punchable face! Aaaaand since you say I'm a ghost or whatever it won't actually hurt me, right?"

Danny gets right up into Wes's personal space and looks up at him with a shit-eating grin.

"Back off, Fenton." Wes backs himself against the lockers. He looks anywhere but Danny's face. "Personal space is a concept even stupid ghosts understand."

"Yeah, but if I'm a stupid ghost doesn't that make you wanna prove it? Can't you prove it by beating me up? You have a camera..." Danny reaches for the camera slung around Wes's shoulder and points it at his own face. "It'd be soooo easy."

Wes's face is currently doing its best impression of a tomato as he continues to ignore Danny.

"Please? I'm gonna start begging you to beat my ass soon if you don't acknowledge me, Wes."

"Back. Off. Fenton." Wes stares Danny right in the face. "Last chance."

Danny does the opposite and yanks Wes to stare him in the eyes. "You wanna punch me so bad it makes you look stupid, Weston." Danny chuckles and makes his eyes flash green. "Your face is sooooo red with rage- you wanna kick my ass, admit it!"

Danny barely gets a warning before Wes lunges and tackles him to the ground with a kiss.

Both boys gasp in surprise and Wes backs himself against the lockers with a loud bang.

They sit in silence, staring at each other in disbelief before Danny laughs.

"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Sh-shut up! It's not my fault you're kind of..."

"Wait, have you been staring at me this whole time because you're crushing on me?" Danny laughs in disbelief as Wes turns even brighter red. "Is that how you 'accidentally' discovered my secret?"

"No!" Wes sputters out. "I don't sta-"

"Stalk me, yeah. Dude you follow me around with a camera to try and expose me. What sort of fruitloop shit are you pulling??"

"Well, if you weren't lying about being a human, then I wouldn't need to-"

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Danny doesn't know how to feel about it, really. Wes is kind of cute, and he's unhinged just like the rest of his friends. But he's also obsessed with exposing him, and kind of stalks him (to no success).

He spends a few moments before he glances at the clock again.

Two minutes left.

He can use this to his advantage, even if it's dirty and underhanded.

"Hey Wes. You really fucking suck at kissing." He eggs the other boy on. "Like, zero technique, all desperation!"

"Shut up!"

Wes starts crying a little. Danny only feels a little bad, but he really needs this to happen.

"What, even I've kissed people before and I'm a loser! Plus I bet you can't even man up and fight me like I want- you're such a little cuck boy, Weston! Always relying on other people to do the dirty work of beating my ass so you can gather your evidence like a little bitch in the dark."

"I said shut up!" Wes's face is bright red again- an angry embarrassment with tears streaming down his face.

But he still has to keep going, even if it feels gross to do this to someone who he kind of likes.

"Make me, Wesley." He spits.

---

It's a dirty brawl but it ends with a very red-faced Wes pinning a bruised and elated Danny to the ground. The latter feels awful about playing dirty with Wes's feelings, but it seems the other boy really needed to take out his rage on him.

"Sooooo, you admit you have complete victory in this fight, right Wes?" Danny smiles up from underneath the other boy.

Wes sputters, his face still bright red and tears running down his cheeks. "You're such a fucking little shit, Fenton."

"Thanks, I try!. But I need you to accept that I'm saying you have total victory in this fight."

Wes sighs and lets go of Danny's wrists and sits back against the lockers. "Yeah, sure. I beat your ass fair and square. Also do you know how weird it is to see you healing this fast? I swear I gave you a black eye."

"You did. I'm just a fast healer." Danny sits up and looks around. He feels... guilty. At least for only finding one person to do this to.

The clock strikes six.

"Also, I'm sorry I lied- you're not a bad kisser. I just needed you to beat my ass. Also sorry about what's about to happen." Danny rubs the back of his neck.

"Sorry about wha-" Wes is interrupted by a portal opening beside the two of them.

"Sorry for being impolite, we should assume." An Observant materializes out of the void beside him. "It's not polite for the crown prince to wait until the last minute to find a replacement, but since you have... bested Prince Phantom in combat, albeit not formal combat, the rules are the rules."

Wes glares at Danny who is doing his best trying to disappear without going ghost.

"Prince Phantom??" Wes spits at the other boy.

"Yep! Former Prince Phantom." Danny smirks. "And again, sorry, but they only gave me today until six to find a replacement. The whole King schtick isn't really my jam."

Wes stares at the other boy as more Observants spill from the hole in reality and bow to him.

"Fenton..."

"Hey! I'm not gonna bail on you or anything. You still need an advisor- I just really don't wanna deal with the formality shit. Hope you understand!"

Danny gives Wes a peace sign as he's escorted through the portal, pissed off, confused, and shell-shocked.

[watchmegetobsessed]

DATING HARRY IN COLLEGE - headcanon

A/N: so i've been thinking about trying myself out in headcanons and i finally caved in... this is my first attempt, pls be kind to my fragile heart, im just testing the waters out 😂

WORD COUNT: 709

You meet at your first ever college party. He spots you from across the room and plays it cool as he introduces himself to you.

The two of you hit it off instantly, but at first it's all just friendly. You find out that you have a few classes together and he sits next to you in all of them, just so he can steal glances at you when you're too focused on the professor to notice.

You grab coffee together, study in the library together, exchange notes, well, mostly Harry is the one in need of your notes, because he always gets lost in his daydreams about you instead of listening. But you happily let him copy them.

He quickly becomes your best friend, always hanging out together, talking about anything and everything. Your other friends are joking about the two of you being like a couple, but you just nervously shrug it off.

Of course you are into him too, how could you not? He is the sweetest, most handsome guy you'd ever known, it would be impossible not to fall for him. But you never let yourself believe even just for a moment that your feelings might be reciprocated.

Right until things get a bit more... romantic.

He gets cuddlier, touches you more, he always wants to play with your hair or hand in class, completely ignoring the professor. His thigh always presses against yours when he sits next to you in the cafeteria and he starts dropping more and more compliments.

"Wow, you look wonderful today!"

"I love your hair like this."

"Is this a new dress? Looks very pretty on you."

"I'm so lucky such a pretty girl is helping me with my paper."

Your cheeks heat up every time and just tell yourself that he is this flirty with everyone. But his words usually get stuck with you for a long time, you think about them when you're not with him, burning them deep into your memory.

Your girlfriends all tell you that you should shoot your shot and that he is obviously into you, but you just roll your eyes at them, however they definitely get you to question what you've believed until now.

You become very aware of his actions and words and you start to show your interest as well.

You give him compliments too.

"This hoodie goes well with your beautiful green eyes, H."

"The girls in my dorm will be jealous that such a handsome guy is walking me home."

"I like making you smile."

You doodle in his notebooks in class and play footsies with him in the cafeteria.

When he leans into you at a party you go with it and hook an arm around his waist, which results with his arm around your shoulders.

He doesn't let go of you that evening, he keeps touching you somehow. A hand on your waist, his head resting on your shoulder and when he's had a few beers he builds up his courage to hold your hand.

"You're extremely pretty tonight," he murmurs into your ear.

"And you're very handsome," you reply.

That night he walks you home from the party and finally kisses you and you officially become a couple.

From then, he takes you out on dates all the time.

Picnic in the park, movie nights, he takes you to that vintage bookshop near campus every month and buys you anything you want.

He treats you like a princess and you know every girl is jealous of you in school.

He is always showing you off and talks about you all the time to his mates.

"She is so amazing, I got so lucky."

"Y/N is it for me, man. I just know it."

Summers are a bit hard, spending it so far away from each other, but you both visit the other and when september comes again, you're back to your usual routine.

Of course, you're still going strong at graduation, you're that annoyingly adorable couple that's been together since freshman year and you're still very much in love.

You take cute pictures in your graduation gowns, switching your caps and kissing.

And then you finally start your new life together, outside of campus.

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed and buy me a coffee if you want to support me!

[justimajin]

Drabble #2

↠ Pairing: Seokjin x Reader

↠ Words: 1.1k (welp)

↠ Warnings: so much more fluff

↳ This drabble takes place after the Epilogue and Drabble #1 of The Profit & Love Statement

The big day is here. 

You knew it had been approaching, having marked the date on your calendar with giant circles and stars. You had put in a request for a day off soon after immediately finding out and removed any errands you had planned on doing. 

Because today was not only a big day, it was a very special one as well. 

“I can’t believe Yuna’s graduating already.” You let out a wistful sigh. It had just been yesterday when she had entered high school, but four years had passed by with a breeze. 

Not only was Yuna older now, she was an adult and you were tremendously proud. 

“Time flies, doesn’t it?” The corner of Yoongi’s mouth lifts, a nostalgic look in his eyes. He very well knew what you were experiencing, being a spectator to his own children getting older. 

“It sure does.” Both of you turn at the sound of Hoseok’s voice, who strides closer to you. 

He deeply exhales, blinking as if time escaped him. “They just grow up so fast….”

Yoongi frowns, “Hoseok, you’re not that old.” 

“I wasn’t talking about myself!” 

“Sure, you weren’t.” Yoongi smiles as you chuckle, to which Hoseok just sighs. 

He turns to you, “Should we head into the hall?” 

You nod, heading in together. 

The three of you get seated as the ceremony begins. It starts off with Yuna’s high school introducing themselves and thanking everyone for coming, before the grandiose music plays and you eagerly watch, pulling out your phone in anticipation as names filter through. 

You’re amused to see Yoongi and Hoseok pull out their own phones, attempting to capture the moment to the best of their ability. 

However, the seat that sits right next to you stays empty. 

You gaze at it wearily, something that Yoongi picks up on. 

“Where’s that husband of yours?” He whispers, and you grimace. 

“Still stuck at work.” You mention, tightening your grip on your phone. “He’s supposed to be presenting a new project as the CEO, but he told me he would sneak out as soon as he could.” 

Jin had been texting you constantly since you had arrived, lighting up your phone with frequent updates about his delay and reassuring you that he would be there. But as time spun away, you were getting more and more anxious. 

“Don’t dwell on it too much.” Yoongi says, “He’ll be here soon.” 

“I hope so.” 

He leans closer to you, “If anything, we all know just how good he is at sneaking away.”

A smile rises to your lips and Yoongi grins. 

The names continue and you keep watching, eyes flickering over the many graduated students that walk along. 

Your phone vibrates. 

You immediately glance down, surprise etching onto your features. 

[Jin] 12:40pm: Namjoon will cover for me, don’t worry 

– 1 new message 

[Jin] 1:04pm: The handsome husband has arrived 

Snapping your head up, you instantly turn around, attempting to look beyond all the heads currently focused towards the front. It takes you a couple of seconds, but then you notice a man attempting to shuffle his way through and a giant smile breaks out onto your features. 

You wave your hand and Jin notices right away, filtering himself through before walking closer to his seat. 

He instantly wraps his arms around you, “You made it!” 

“Didn’t I say I would?” He remarks, looking at you playfully. 

“You did.” You confirm, but then your attention is drawn to his black suit and the bouquet he holds in his hand.

“Not too bad.” You beam, and he winks at you. 

“I try sometimes, you know?” A chuckle escapes you, and he reaches into the inner pocket of his suit jacket. 

A pink rose emerges out and your eyes widen as he hands it to you. 

You hold it tenderly, “It’s beautiful.” 

“Just like you.” He softly says. 

Yoongi awkwardly coughs, glancing in your direction. 

“I don’t understand how you’ve been married for a year and you’re still like this.” 

Hoseok quirks up a brow, “Hyung, didn’t you just tell me the other day how much you love it when Hana smiles?” 

“That’s different.” Yoongi frowns, “We’ve been married for years.” 

“Sure, it is.” Hoseok smiles knowingly, and you grin when he makes eye contact with you. 

“It’s okay, Yoongi,” Jin looks over, sending him a flying kiss, “I love you too.” 

Hoseok attempts to stifle his laugh as Yoongi recoils. You lean against Jin, giggles leaving you as he continues to look at Yoongi with serious fondness. 

However, that’s when the names draw closer to one that you’ve been anticipating, and you hurriedly scramble to lift your phone. 

Yuna’s name is called, and your eyes practically shine at the sight of your sister walking down in a graduation gown. 

She has an enormous and infectious grin to her lips as she eagerly takes her certificate. Stopping for a moment, she glances out into the audience, her eyes flickering around carefully until they land on the sight of you. 

Jin is loudly cheering. Hoseok is shouting at the top of his lungs. Yoongi has a huge gummy smile. And you are proud beyond belief. 

Your eyes make contact and Yuna breaks out into a huge smile that you reciprocate. 

“She walked down so confidently! I’m so proud of her!” Hoseok exclaims, exiting out of the venue. 

“Can’t believe she’s a graduate now.” Yoongi remarks. 

“Me neither.” Jin adds in, but he falters for a moment.

Turning around, he notices you’re not beside him, rather trailing far behind. 

“Y/N?” 

You look up, startled to find Jin in front of you. Clearing your throat quickly, you sniffle and his eyes widen. 

“I’m just really happy for her.” You bring up, “And kind of wish our parents were here to see how far she’s progressed.” 

An awkward chuckle leaves you as you attempt to swipe away the tears. Jin takes a tissue out of his pocket, handing it to you to which you gratefully accept. 

You gaze at him and he smiles reassuringly. 

“You guys okay?” You hear Hoseok shout, much to your surprise. However, Jin swings his arms around you, shouting back. 

“We’re fine, Y/N just missed me a lot!” 

“Jin!” You hiss. 

He childishly snickers, “Sorry.” 

You playfully shake your head, and he tugs you along.

“Come on, let’s go find Yuna and then meet up with others at my restaurant.” 

You nod, holding onto his hand tightly. 

Request by:

@jovialtragedyheart

A/N: Hello! I hope you are doing good as well ^.^ For this one, I decided to choose Yuna's graduation! I thought it would give a nice glimpse into the future and feel like an update on everyone ☺️ I hope you don't mind that I focused on a few characters only, I wanted to give Y/N and Jin a moment too 🤭 Thank you so much for requesting! I hope you like it <3

[blackholelynn]

Missed Confession

Summary: When you get the chance to confess your crush to your best friend, will you take it?

Pairing: Bella Swan x Reader

Warnings: Nothing major; some unrequited feelings, maybe?

Word Count: 1.6k

A/N: A day late, but it's better late than never! I think that may be my motto lol. Another entry for @twilightsaganetwork's appreciation week, with today's entry being "Favorite Quote"! I will put my favorite quote in bold and all I ask is that you don't laugh 😭 I genuinely have the first letters of every word of this quote on a candy bracelet, so I think it would've been a crime not to choose this one? Anyways, enjoy!

~~~

You were sitting in the passenger seat of Bella’s beat-up truck, wondering how you had even gotten into this position. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from her pensive posture as she sped down the rainy road to the Rez to see Jacob. The car's speed and her dazed affect only served to make your anxiety heightened. You didn’t even know Jacob, so you were struggling to find a reason for you being there. It had just become difficult for you to leave her side after Edward left, and to see her so broken was too much for you.

“You sure you should be driving this fast?” you asked nervously, unable to keep quiet about it any longer.

Bella spared you an exasperating glare before her eyes focused on the road. “I do know how to drive. That’s not something I’ve forgotten.”

“No, I wasn’t–” You cut yourself off from trying to justify the question because you were sure you came off as patronizing when you asked. Taking an extra moment to adjust your seatbelt, you sighed, “I’m sorry. I’ve just been worried about you. And not in the ‘I don’t think you can take care of yourself’ kinda way, more like the ‘my friend is in a lot of pain’ kinda way.”

“Oh…thanks.” Her muscles relaxed a bit as her defensiveness eased. The speedometer (thankfully) also seemed to lower as she let up on the gas. The heavy trees started to thin the closer you got to houses, and when a few popped up, she asked you another question. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to come if this isn’t your thing. I know you’ve never met Jacob, so it might be a little awkward.”

You shook your head with a reassuring smile. “As long as you introduce us, it’ll all be fine. I’m just happy to spend some time with you.”

The grin on Bella’s face was a nice change from the sour expression that had started to make its home there. Her happiness was infectious and spread to you as well. You couldn’t remember having this much quality time with your best friend since she was still coming every summer to visit her dad. But that was a long time ago, and a lot had changed.

You stared at the greenery whizzing past your window as you reflected on that time. When you were younger and still a bit unsure, you dreamed about spending your life with her. You had thought it was what everyone hoped to do with their friends. Then she stopped coming around, and a few revelations later, you realized that you were absolutely and painfully in love with your best friend. To make matters worse, her return to Forks was quickly punctuated by her getting into a relationship with Edward Cullen, of all people.

I’ll just keep it to myself. She doesn’t need this right now.

As you always had done, you pushed your feelings down to spare hers. Thankfully, the truck came to a halt, and you opened the door to get some fresh air.

“Bella!” A boy’s voice called out, and you saw who you assumed to be Jacob. He wasted no time wrapping her in a hug and spinning her around when he reached her. “Where the hell have you been, loca?!”

Bella chuckled once he finally let her go before gesturing towards you. “Jacob, this is one of my friends from school. I thought it would be fun to hang out together and have an extra set of hands.”

You told him your name and stuck out your hand for a handshake. “It’s great to finally meet you. Bella’s told me so much about you.” After an awkward handshake, you added on a teasing remark, “All good things!”

Jacob seemed to bristle at your presence, and you began to space out as Bella showed him the motorcycle she had in the bed of her truck. It was a fixer-upper that she wanted done, and you weren’t about to argue. The last time she tried to ride a motorcycle, you found out from Jessica that she had hopped on a stranger’s bike. You were shocked out of your stupor when Jacob lifted one of the motorcycles out of her truck as though it was made of plywood. “Holy shit!”

“Yeah, Jake, you’re like…buff?” Bella added in total shock. “And you’re only 16?”

“Yeah, age is just a number, baby. You’re like, what? 40 now?” Jacob walked the bike back towards the garage with an impish smirk.

You knew he was only poking fun, but the severe look that crossed Bella’s face told you that he had hit a nerve. Without thinking, you put a hand on her back and rubbed between her shoulder blades in a sympathetic gesture.

She sighed and leaned closer to you as you both followed behind Jake. “It feels like that sometimes,” she muttered under her breath.

The rest of the time in the garage, the two of you were glorified assistants while Jacob did most of the work. Bella wasn’t sure exactly what she was doing, and you had even less of a clue. Thankfully, the tense rivalry Jacob seemed to fabricate between the two of you faded away. By the end of the day, the three of you were laughing like old friends.

“Wait, wait, wait!” You giggled, leaning back on the futon that Jacob had set up in the garage. “You made mud pies together?! I thought that was our thing!”

“To be fair, it was our thing first,” Bella agreed.

“So what I’m hearing is that Jake totally stole my play there.”

“Just a little.”

Jacob rolled his eyes as he continued tightening a bolt on the bike, only turning back to address you when he was done. “I didn’t steal anything. We just happened to think of the same idea.”

“Uh huh, sure we did. I can see you for what you really are, thief!” you teased, dramatically throwing your arm over your face. The two of them laughed at your melodramatic antics. Bella’s fit of giggles caused her to lose stability, and she leaned on you once more for support. You thought your heart might beat out of your chest on the spot.

When she finally returned to her senses, she frowned at the purple-pinkish sunset outside. “It looks like it might be time for us to head out.”

“Oh, yeah. For sure.” Jacob hastily dropped the metal wrench in his hand with a clang and stood up. “You want me to walk you to your truck.”

“I think we’ve got it, but thanks, Jake. See you tomorrow,” she said, getting ready to leave. Jacob moved as though he was going to hug her goodbye, but she walked past him without realizing it. The only thing you could do was mouth a silent ‘sorry’ before hurrying after her.

The silence of your walk was broken when your intrusive thoughts came blundering out of your mouth. “So, you know that Jake has a thing for you, right?”

“What?”

Bella stopped in her tracks, looking at you like you had just made the biggest faux pas of your life. The silence stretched out for an eternity, only being filled by the nighttime sounds of the forest near you. You felt your hands grow clammy as your stomach twisted. Should you be this nervous when talking to your best friend?

“I just thought you knew,” you chuckled, trying to play it off. “It’s not a big deal! I just thought I’d mention it so it didn’t come out of left field or anything. You know, because that would be really awkward if you weren’t prepared, and I know you’re still dealing with some things–”

She began laughing again and started back up her pace to the truck. “You seriously think Jake has a crush on me? We’re just friends! Although I appreciate you looking out for me.”

“Bells…” You meekly trailed behind her. The words swam around in your head, clawing their way up your throat. You knew you shouldn’t bring it up, and you definitely knew that the topic of Edward was still sore. You couldn’t help telling her what was on your mind, just as you always had. “Friends can still have crushes on other friends. I wouldn’t dismiss it that easily.”

Bella cocked her head in confusion. “What…are you saying?” Her eyes scanned your face for something hidden, although it was clear she wasn’t even sure what she should be looking for. She was never one to see any of the hints people gave to her.

This was your chance. She had given you a moment, a huge opening to lay out all your feelings. If she accepted them, then you would deal with it. If she rejected them, then at least you would know how to move past it. It was what you had been waiting for since she came back into your life.

“Nothing,” you replied, forcing a smile on your face. “It’s nothing. I guess I don’t know Jacob that well to be able to tell anyway.”

That seemed to assuage her curiosity, and she hopped into the driver’s side of the truck. You slid into the seat next to her, trying not to feel sick by your close proximity. The regret swirled inside you like a sick whirlpool, and it was all you could do not to crawl out of your skin. You’d have to find another chance if there would ever be another, and then you’d have to decide all over again if you wanted to confess.

How were you ever going to keep this up?

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

So I’m 27 next month and I don’t know what to do. I had been studying at college/university in 2019 but dropped out due to my health, tried to get a job but failed, and then a family member died and the pandemic hit all in 2020, and then obviously there was all the lockdowns and I was forced into signing up for benefits here in the UK and it’s 2024, and I’m still unable to get back into work and I’m still seeing a psychologist and I just don’t know what to do anymore as I feel like my life is slipping past me and I’m not able to do anything about it, I know I’m not stupid and I know I’m capable and have career aspirations but also family aspirations. I’ve never had a boyfriend and while I want to have a good career I also want to get married and have children more so, I love kids and I feel like I’m never going to get either. I mean it’s three years until I’m thirty years old, and if I sign up to go back to university then it’s three or four years before I graduate and then years trying to build a career for myself.

Oh anon, I feel for you. I really do. I've several relatives who are (and were) similarly stuck - some of them were impacted by the pandemic years, and others were impacted by the 2008 global meltdown - so I know how hard you're feeling everything.

A few things to keep in mind first:

Everyone does life at their own pace. You are exactly where you're supposed to be because that's exactly where you're meant to be. You are doing just fine being right where you are. As long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll get to wherever you want to go, even if you take a few detours along the way.

When we judge ourselves by other people, we have a tendencey to compare our worst days to other people's best days because we're our own worst critic. (I blame social media for that - people only share the best things on social media which makes it look like everyone is happy little clams living picture-perfect lives while you're stuck down here in the muck trying to shovel out from two years' of rain.)

I think you'll find that there are more people who feel like you than people who'll say they're living their best life and they wouldn't change a thing.

27 is pretty young, and so is 30 for that matter. If you look at the whole scope of life, what is 'another 3 years' but a drop in the bucket, especially if it will make you happy? You may not have anything to lose if you go back to school now, if that's really what you want to do. But if your heart isn't it, or you'd be doing it because it's what you think you should do, then that may not be the right thing for you. And that's okay!

I don't know a whole lot about the UK in terms of career choices, higher education,a nd job opportunities so I don't know how practical or realistic some of my advice could be. But here goes.

Does it have to be a professional/academic program? Maybe there are trade schools or vocational programs you can look into instead. I think the UK might call it Further Education colleges? (We call it community college here in the US.)

And if you love children, what's stopping you from working with them now? You could become a nursery assistant or a midwife, a nanny or an au pair. You could volunteer with an organization that focuses on children or youth services, or maybe work for one as a receptionist?

One of the things I've learned from my cousins' experiences pulling out of the economic collapse or COVID-stasis is that sometimes the unconventional path is better, luckier, and more successful. So don't think you have to go for a professional degree. There are other options out there. They may be harder to find, but they're there.

I know you can do it, anon. You're already brilliant enough to ask for help, and trust me - that takes a ton of gut.

If anyone has any advice or wants to support our Hopeful Anon, please share in the comments or send in your suggestions! I will use the anon advice tag.

[gamerwoo]

hansol: the lovers playlist

characters: hansol x female reader

genre/warnings: idol au, best friends to strangers, getting over a ‘breakup’, slight angst but it’s not too bad ig, slight comfort???

word count: 1,083

summary: put me on the shelf, discipline myself to let the sparks die out; shattering anything that has reflections of you

tag list: @anissanightyoung @aceofvernons @mythicalamphitrite @caratluvie @juliettechokilo @liemwantstosleep @rubyreduji @ohchangyu @minluvly @honeyylin @miki-chi @heemingyu @noraehey @awkwardnesshabitat @floweryjessy @woozarts @anothershorthuman @shuabby1994 @vernxnsfool​  (if you’d like to be added to the tag list, please fill out this form!!!)

a/n: things in bold italics are song lyrics and things in italics are texts

previous song | next song | back to playlist

You were trying, at least. You were actively trying to feel better; to be better. You made the effort to go out -- at least sometimes -- and you tried to stop feeling sorry for yourself. It came in bursts and it wasn’t all the time, but it was something.

“Whenever you think about him, we should bonk you in the head with one of those hammers,” Eunji had said, half-joking.

All 12 of you decided to just hang out in the living room and switch off playing some video games after your schedules had ended that day. Currently, 4 of your members were battling it out in Mario Kart while the rest of you watched and talked. You were sitting between Ayako -- who was doing her absolute best to catch up from last place -- and Xiulan, with one knee to your chest and the other curled up underneath you while you shouted encouragement at the TV for Ayako’s Yoshi to pass the Shy Guy in front of her.

You felt your phone vibrate on the couch beside you, resting slightly under your leg. You lifted your phone, and when your face unlocked the screen, you almost gasped seeing the name that popped up.

Kim Mingyu: _____, I’m sorry for reaching out so suddenly, but I wanted to see how you were doing

You just stared at the screen for a minute in silence, not knowing what to do. You stared until the screen eventually went black.

“_____?” Xiulan was the one to notice you frozen. Your eyes shot up from your phone to look at her. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly at your expression when she glanced away from the screen to look at you again. “Is everything okay?”

You nodded, maybe a little too quickly, “Yeah, just a weird notification.”

“Who is it?” Mira asked slowly, seeming skeptical of the answer.

“Old friend from school,” you lied smoothly. “I haven’t spoken to them in years, but I guess they...saw I was in a kpop group now.”

Thankfully, they all seemed to buy the lie, so you went back to your phone.

‘You didn't close the door; left a crack open; I couldn't ignore...’

You faintly picked up the song that had started playing -- again, another one of Mira’s playlists -- as you tried to decide if you should text Mingyu back or not.

...But you were weak. Unable to resist knowing anything about what might be going on in Hansol’s life, you replied. Plus, Mingyu was the one to help you through that night, so it was the least you owed him, right? Some sort of response?

“‘The faint possibility of having hope in this insanity...’“ Mira started softly singing, her eyes focused on the screen of the TV.

_____☺: that’s okay. i’m...okay. how’re you?

Kim Mingyu: I actually didn’t expect you to respond...

Kim Mingyu: I’m happy you did though!! 😁

“‘That we still could be...’“

Kim Mingyu: I’ve been alright. Same stuff lol. We all miss you

The group still talked about you? Or was he just being nice?

You didn’t want to tell him you missed them, too. You felt like that would be taking even more steps back than you probably were now. 

“‘But we’re stuck floating in between.’“

_____☺: how is everyone?

That was a decent response, right? It didn’t really seem like you were ignoring his statement since you were asking about them.

Kim Mingyu: All the same lol. Just as annoying and chaotic as ever

Kim Mingyu: But... Hansol was kinda different for a while...

You hated how much that piqued your interest. It also made you feel kind of...happy. Was that sick?

_____☺: different?

Kim Mingyu: He went to talk to you one night, and then he came back and didn’t say much for a while. He wouldn’t tell us what happened but it didn’t seem good...

Kim Mingyu: I’m not trying to get you to tell me, though! Just telling you what happened since you asked. I don’t want you to feel pressured. But we all felt worried for both of you

Kim Mingyu: But he still talks about you sometimes...

‘Oh no...’

And there went your heart, suddenly feeling like it was rising from your stomach just a little bit. It was beating so hard and you hated yourself for it. You felt a little spark of hope that maybe Hansol still cared. That maybe he was feeling a little lonely without you, and Ivory wasn’t enough to fill the gap that you hoped you made.

“‘Our eyes were closed with hearts open wide,’“ Mira was still singing along, “’dismissed every rule to abide by.’“

Kim Mingyu: I don’t know if telling you will make you feel worse or not, so I won’t unless you want me to

Kim Mingyu: I don’t even know if you’ve recovered from what happened

Kim Mingyu: I’m still really sorry, _____...

Blood was pounding in your ears, drowning out the sounds of Mira’s singing, the song itself, and your members laughing and joking together. You had two choices in this situation: ask, or stay in the dark. Asking was what you wanted to do. Your heart wanted you to beg Mingyu if you had to, to tell you what Hansol had said. 

But your brain knew that was bad. You knew it would just make you hurt more. It would make you hold onto that hope when you were trying to let go of everything that had to do with him. You couldn’t let yourself trail along behind him like this.

“Put me on the shelf, discipline myself,’“ Mira suddenly belted the lyrics at full volume, breaking you from your internal battle as your thumbs hovered over the screen, “‘to let the sparks die out; shattering everything that has reflections of youuuu, youuuuuu...’“

You laughed at her, along with the other members who were startled by her suddenly loud singing, or who were giggling and telling her how obnoxious she was.

Finally, you looked back down at your phone, deciding on a reply.

_____☺: don’t worry about it, i’ll be fine

_____☺: i’ve gotta go though. we’re pretty busy!! thanks for reaching out

You put your phone on ‘do not disturb’ before reaching forward and placing it on the coffee table. Then you settled back into the couch to watch the last lap of the race.

And when the final chorus came back around, you sang it just as obnoxiously as Mira was.

[yourlocalartsonist]

ROTTMNT Moths Fly In Packs - Chapter Three

A/N: HEY IM ALIVE. I am so sorry it’s been two literal weeks I got stuck in a rut and then like couldn’t figure out how to write from there for the life of me 🫠 BUT HEY I figured it out eventually and Ngl I think this chapter turned out pretty fun and cute! It is the first time I wrote Mikey for a long period of time and a little bit of Donnie too so like, apologies for any OOC moments. I’m still learning TvT But yesyes, enjoy the read and thank you for your time <3 Also I’ve decided Mikey and Salena’s duo name is gonna be Pink Tangerine anyway byeeeeeeeee

Next Chapter

Previous Chapter

Chapter One

Disclaimer: Chapter involves light manipulation, light sexual harassment, curse words, and violence. If you’re sensitive to that stuff, scroll past and stay safe <3

The mushy brown grub splat down on my tray.

I stuck out my tongue in disgust. School lunch might honestly be the worst thing known to man, the bar is so low the devil plays limbo with it. Yet somehow this school still puts everywhere else to shame.

I overheard from some of the upperclassmen a while back that the food used to be on par with others, apparently it got worse after they hired a new lunch aid. No one ever told him anything, though. We’re all way too scared of him.

We sat down at a table and I began poking the food with my fork, mentally preparing to stomach it down. Jaiden looked at me with similarly dead eyes from our meal.

“God, this is so gross. I get that this lunch is supposed to be healthy and all but sometimes I’d rather just eat burger grease.”

That was the second reason I never said anything to the lunch aid. As much as I shit on the food, it’s actually healthier than the usual microwaved fries and stuff. I’ve noticed the effects too, ever since I joined Roosevelt High last year my body admittedly felt much less sluggish.

“Well, food is food. Let’s just be grateful it’s even human food at this point.”

They giggled and scoffed. “Yeah, barely.”

Trying to distract myself from how squishy my mouth felt at every bite, I focused on Jaiden instead. They don’t really emote often, they’re the type of person to have a resting-bitch-face 24/7. But of course, one of life’s greatest ironies was blessing Jaiden with one of the heartiest smiles I’ve ever seen.

For a moment their lips curve, their forehead wrinkles, and their tooth gap is on full display. Eyes shut, all their thoughts were too focused on whatever brought them so much glee, completely forgetting to worry about how they looked or were being perceived. I wish they could be like that all the time.

“Hello? You’re staring at me like a creep again.”

“I know, I know. I’ll stop.” I rolled my eyes, knowing they didn’t actually mind.

“You really should smile more often, though. You’re gifted with such a pretty smile but you never show it off, Jay.”

It went quiet. Before I could spend too long worrying if I said the wrong thing, they broke the silence.

“Hey, can I talk to you about something?”

“Is that even a question? You know you can tell me anything.”

“Well yeah but…it’s kinda relationship related.”

Oh dear. I straightened up and focused all my attention on them. I may be ass at understanding romance but by god, I still tried my best to help Jaiden with theirs.

“So…Was he distant again?”

“I mean, yeah technically. But it’s not even just him anymore, I haven’t been the best at reaching out either. I don’t want anyone else to know this so you better keep it a secret.”

I nodded and they continued.

“I guess I just can’t find any reason to catch up with him. He barely talks to me, stopped complimenting me, and I just can’t like him like that when it feels like he doesn’t even remember we’re dating. I haven’t felt happy with him or confident or anything cause he doesn’t! Talk! About! Me!”

“Ah y-yeah, that’s…that’s pretty bad.”

“He knows how I feel about this stuff. I’m worried he’s not into me anymore. I haven’t felt beautiful in so long because of him. I feel invisible Salena.”

I thought back to our old school. Jaiden had a huge crush on one of our classmates and miraculously got asked out by him just a year later. It was quite the celebratory moment, we stayed up for hours gushing about it over the phone that night. That memory still makes me feel warm.

“What are you gonna do now?”

“That’s what I don’t know. I’m not sure what to do or how to take all of this. Nothing really feels the same anymore.” Their face fell back to its usual deadpan stare. “Honestly, I’m wondering if it would be better to just break things off.”

“…Well, whatever happens, I’m here for you.”

We sat in awkward silence. I wish I was better at comforting people. Jaiden isn’t a huge hugger either so I can’t even try that.

“By the way I…I think I’m starting to like someone else, actually.”

Their voice was barely above a whisper. Before I could ask who, a tray slammed down between us.

“Hey, guys - Jaiden move over a bit - what’d I miss?”

“Hey Zane!”

“Hiya Zane.” I gave him a small wave and Jaiden and I made room for him between us.

I started zoning out a bit while Jaiden and Zane caught up with each other. My mind wouldn’t stop thinking about what Jaiden said. That they like someone else. I mean, it’s not a wild idea considering how they and their boyfriend barely count as a couple anymore but still. Last I checked, Jaiden pretty much loathed the kids in our grade and neither of us get crushes that easily so I wonder who actually got their heart all soft.

I jumped from a sudden sharp pain in my legs. Jaiden and Zane’s conversation paused as they redirected their attention to me and my agony.

“Hey dude, are you okay?”

“Yep! I’m fine, just been working my legs a bit too much I suppose!”

Damn it Leo and your stupid persuasiveness.

What he promised would only be a “weekend thing” turned into an “almost every night thing”, leading to my legs cursing me out from how much pain consistent parkour brings them. Worst part is I can’t even blame him entirely, I’m a druggie for dopamine and caved in at the first mention of doing it more often.

“Are you sure you’re alright? Your legs keep hurting lately. Do you need painkillers? Or do you wanna go to the nurse? I can take you there!” Zane reached out and grabbed my hand.

I could feel the hair on my arms rising for the wrong reasons. Panicking, I pulled my hand back and rushed to reassure them both I was perfectly okay. Thankfully, we moved on and Zane started to ramble about some guy in his class annoying him today.

Or at least, he moved on. I was still trying to recover from the contact. I mean, this isn’t the first time he’s held my hand, our friendship was always very physically affectionate. But I just haven’t been able to handle any touch from Zane for a while. I hate that everything feels so different now knowing that he likes me. It’s not like he can control it, why do I have to be so weird about it? A little hand-holding shouldn’t get such a repulsed reaction from me.

I decided to stop my brain’s downwards spiral and calm myself down. I took a quiet breath and joined back in the conversation.

I caught Jaiden glancing at his hand. They were quieter than usual after that.

***

I walked out the building as the school day ended, the afternoon sun lit up the schoolyard. The weather was getting pleasantly warmer as spring truly settled in.

Zane walked beside me with a lollipop in his mouth as we both waited for Jaiden. The two of them have an elective today but Jaiden had to run a quick question by the teacher and told me to keep Zane company for the time being. I had my own plans but it’s no biggie, all electives start ten minutes after school ends so we’ve got time. I already let Mikey know I’d be running a little late.

“I know I’m not Mr. Sunshine or anything, but I’d be lying if I said it isn’t gorgeous out today.”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, it really is!”

“...You’re still thinking about Jaiden aren’t you?”

“Y-yeah sorry.”

I could tell Zane was getting a bit irritated. My attention hadn’t really been on him much today, I just couldn’t shake the feeling something was wrong with Jaiden. I know they don’t really talk much but they got abnormally quiet after lunch even for them.

“I told you they’re fine Salena. I even checked in twice for your sake.”

“I know it’s just… Nevermind, you know me, I get paranoid easily.” That’s only half true. I’m paranoid but I’m not stupid.

“Hey actually, I was wondering.” He leaned closer and started playing with a loose strand of my hair, prompting me to lean away “Jaiden seemed really tired today so maybe they’d wanna go home early and rest. Do you want to-“

“I’m here.”

They stared at us with a frown on their face. Their voice was monotone. It was always monotone but usually it’d have a bit of charm mixed in with the whole dead-inside vibe. Something wasn’t right.

But no matter! They’re both here now and I should honestly get going. Zane’s here with them so I can worry about Jaiden tomorrow.

“Great! Seeing as you two are ready to go, I shall take my leave as well. Bye guys!”

“But-“

They cut him off. “Bye Salena.”

I don’t know what I did but something definitely happened with Jaiden.

Even though I didn’t manage to fully suppress my thoughts, the walk to the alley where we agreed to meet drifted my attention back towards the beautiful sunny day. The sky was cloudless, a soft spring breeze. For once the air wasn’t clouded with the stinging scent of garbage and car smoke and instead smelled fresh. Woodsy even. Don’t really get a day this perfect often here. It must’ve been fate for today to be the day I’m actually spending time with one of the guys.

Thanks to Leo’s reassurance that night, I gained some confidence and took his advice on talking with them more often. Mikey was definitely the most receptive to that. He and I bonded pretty quickly due to us being the same age and having a similar (and superior) artistic taste so obviously I had to say yes when he asked to hang out, even if it took a while for our schedules to line up.

I did one last scan to make sure no one was around before texting Mikey of my arrival. He popped out from behind a dumpster, eyes matching the bright blue sky.

“Hey hey hey! Ready for the world’s most epic hang out ever?”

“Hell yes I am! I’ve been waiting for this all week! But uh, you’re 100% sure being out in public during the day won’t be a problem considering…this whole situation?”

“We’re fine, chill. No one will recognize me with my super amazing Raph-approved disguise on!”

…His disguise was a hoodie and pants.

I mean, I guess it is New York so no one will probably care enough to notice. Or care even after they do notice. I think I’m just a little nervous since it’s my first time out in public with him.

Besides, his fit was on fire! He wore a cropped orange hoodie with white accents matched with baggy, light cargo pants. He actually looked a little taller from the pairing, maybe I should take fashion tips from him. He did remind me a little of those orange-and-creme popsicle sticks though.

I heard thumping in the distance and cocked my head to hear better.

Clomp, clomp, clomp.

Footsteps? Loud, heavy ones. They remind me of…

“Mikey, you have to hide! S-someone’s coming!”

“But I’m disgui-”

“Trust me just go!”

As he jumped back behind the dumpster, Zane came around the corner and found me leaning against the wall pretending to be on my phone. I mentally high-fived myself for the spot-on guess.

“There you are.”

“Hey! Did you need something?”

“Oh, no. Or well, yeah actually but first, what are you doing next to a garbage bin?”

“I’m waiting for my friend. We have plans today.”

“W-what?” His brows furrowed, pained eyes pierced mine “Plans? With who? Jaiden isn’t even free today.”

“I have other friends too, Zane.”

He scoffed and shoved his hands down his pockets.

“Like, who? Druggies?” …Homie what the hell?

“What kind of people are you friends with that have you meet up with them here?”

“Uh, why are you getting so mad anyway? I’m just meeting up with someone.”

“Well, I don’t want that someone to be dangerous! I’m just looking out for you.” He sighed. “And also because I was gonna ask if you wanted to hang out with me today.”

Confused, I stared back at him. “But you and Jaiden have an elective today? The one I just left you two at?”

“Yeah and I told Jaiden I was gonna skip. It’s a nice day, I wanted to be with you. Looks like I did all that for nothing.” Another sigh.

“Oh. I-I’m sorry, I didn’t know- Wait, hold on, you left Jaiden?” Oh god. I subconsciously started biting my nails. “Zane, they were already visibly upset today! They need someone with them!”

Stomping my feet, I tried searching for a solution. I couldn’t just cancel on Mikey, we’ve had this planned for so long! But I can’t leave Jaiden on their own either. They have certain tendencies and I can’t risk that again. Ugh, everything would’ve been okay if at least Zane was with them!

“Zane, you have to go back. Jaiden needs company and I’m busy today anyway.”

“Don’t panic so much, they said they’d be fine.”

“And you believed that? You know they’ve lied about that before. Several times before! They didn’t seem okay, I need you to be them.”

“But I want to be with you. Not Jaiden, you. You can’t expect me to just control these things, Salena.”

This dude! Why is he being so difficult?

Okay, calm down Salena. Not a time for anger.

“I-I know, but it’s just one day. Jaiden’s your friend, too. And besides, you’ll both have fun this way!”

My attempts to shoo him away changed his angered face. He suddenly looked so disheartened I can’t tell if it was better or worse. I’m a little annoyed he left Jaiden on their own but he must’ve planned this out for a while if he seems this disappointed. I guess I’d be upset too if I was in his shoes. Though I also would’ve asked the other person ahead of time but different people, different mindsets I suppose. I softened my tone.

“Hey, Zane? I promise we’ll hang out tomorrow. I’ll make it up to you. And we can even call when I’m done, okay? But right now Jaiden needs you. And I need this. Just…can I please have a few hours away today?”

He looked at me, conflicting eyes switching between both of mine. Third sigh, more whispery than the others “...Fine, you know I can’t say no to you. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He pat my head, slightly ruffling my hair “Don’t forget to call me when you’re free.”

Hearing the heavy steps fade as he got farther and farther away, I let out the biggest exhale of my life as my body slumped over.

“Ooh mama, that was rough.” Mikey, somehow already next to me, matched my relief. “Does he always act like that?”

“Well, ‘always’ is a strong word…”

“And you’ve never told him how you feel about it? Never, you know, put down boundaries?”

My eyes scampered around to focus on anything but his face while my body shrunk. Guilty as charged.

He sighed and whipped out a pair of round glasses, swinging his arm over my shoulder “So, I know Dr. Feelings is supposed to be on vacation for the day, but since you’re a friend you get special privileges!”

“Um…D-Doctor who?”

“Tell me about this guy, Salena.”

After recovering from the reveal of his secret therapist mode, I told Mikey about Zane and our friendship as we made our way to an ice cream parlor. According to him, talking about your feelings is always better with a sweet treat to distract you from your crushing crippling depression.

“Wait wait, before we start, what flavor?”

“Oh, chocolate obviously.”

His eyes lit up as he happily hummed “A person of culture! Begin~” He handed me a chocolate cone and got the same for himself.

I felt a little guilty for using him on a day we were meant to relax but at the same time, the thought of having someone to talk to about my weird dynamic with Zane made it weirdly hard to resist. Plus, Mikey just has a very calming presence to him, one that makes it so easy to open up and word-vomit your entire life story to.

Still, I tried my best to not overshare and disrespect Zane’s privacy so I kept things brief and broad, only mentioning what I felt was note-worthy. And probably better to keep his crush on me hidden for now, at least.

Instead, I briefed him about Zane’s home life being the classic “rich kid with absent and narcissistic parents” trope and how much his older brother, or better known as the golden child, emotionally abused him growing up. I could sense Mikey softened a bit at that.

I mentioned Zane’s anger issues, habitual bullying, fear of abandonment. His slowly-developed kleptomania. I told him about the people Zane hung out with and of my secret disapproval of them. If Zane seems bad, those guys make him seem heavenly.

And lastly, I talked about our unlikely friendship. How he gradually became nicer to me. How he told me how different I was to him the day I asked why he stopped bullying me. How unexpectedly sweet and protective he can be.

And how scared he’d get sometimes that one day I’d just ditch him like everyone else did.

“That’s awful! It must’ve been hard for him dealing with all of that.”

“It was. That’s why he’s so clingy towards me. He feels like no one understands him the way I do or even wants to try.”

“I’m guessing that’s why you deal with it.”

I quietly nodded. “I know he can be a bit much sometimes. But I don’t ever want to leave him. He’s like family to me, it just wouldn't be right if I abandoned him.”

Mikey smiled at me “Yeah, don’t worry, I get that.”

He took another bite of his cone and stared out the window. He looked strangely timid, I’ve never seen Mikey so mild-mannered before.

“Do you remember when I told you about our dad Draxum?”

“Oh yeah, the sheep guy! You mentioned he had a ‘bad boy’ phase. Heh, ba-a-a-a-a-ad.” I giggled to myself mimicking a sheep as Mikey looked at me with horrific disgust.

“Leo must love you, doesn’t he.”

“Oh hush, it was funny. Anyway, you were saying?~”

“Well during his ‘insert ruined joke here’ phase, Draxum used to try to kill us like at least once a week. He went on and on about wanting to ‘destroy humanity’ and ‘protect Yōkai kind’ and we were made to do that.”

We started walking outside as he continued his story.

“But, my brothers and I could never. We love humans, I mean you guys literally invented art! And even though Draxum made us, he wasn’t attached enough to not brutally murder us for that disagreement. He threw Leo off a roof once, too.”

“Sorry, what now?” It’s making sense now why Leo was so careful about me not falling when we hang out.

“Yeah, I felt so bad! I mean, Raph gets to see something as cool as that happen but I’m stuck being used as a tug-of-war rope for a giant spider lady! The universe can be so unfair…”

“Your priorities are confusing but go on.”

We made our way on to a roof to enjoy the city’s view. Mikey went on a tangent about all their adventures stopping Draxum and the poorly-named Foot Clan from assembling this mythical shredding monster guy. Whoever named these guys needs originality lessons.

“Then after they finished making the Shredder, they betrayed Draxum. They only wanted to use him so the armor thing would work. And I know that we’re supposed to hate him and stuff, but I felt really really bad for him.”

I thought back to how I felt every time someone I thought was a friend ended up stabbing me in the back “Honestly, I would too. Villain or not, betrayal still sucks.”

“Exactly! And to make matters worse, I found him living on the streets later! He’s a wanted criminal in the Hidden City and had nowhere to go in New York. So obviously, I set him up with a nice, top tier home and helped him adjust to humanity. My brothers doubted us a lot but he’s doing great now. He even has his own job as a lunch aid!”

His bubbly smile dropped as he looked off to the distance. Up until now, Mikey’s been pretty animated when he talks, using his hands and sometimes whole body to enhance his speech. Right now though, he was still. Very still.

“But back then, sometimes even I thought I was crazy. I was trying to change a guy who’s fear-response was genocide, that’s not an easy thing to do. So many failed attempts at getting him to like humans, so many failed attempts of him trying to throw kids when they got on his nerves. Don’t get me wrong, it’s more than worth it in the end but when you’re actually doing it? It’s so exhausting.”

Exhausting. I never realized how fitting that word sounded until he said it. Exhausting.

“That sounds like a literal nightmare. Especially without any external support…” Oh god this was hitting too close to home. Abort! Abort!

“Wanna know what kept me going?”

“Yeah?”

He turned towards me. His blue eyes were illuminated by the sun. Actually, there were some new spots on his body that were glowing, too?

“Draxum made us. He was family to me. It wouldn’t be right to just abandon him.”

Oh.

He turned back to look at the sky. “I know you care about Zane and I can empathize with that so I’ll say this as nicely as I can… ZANE IS A WHINY PIECE OF SHIT.”

I forgot how loud Mikey screams oh god.

“He’s clingy, he’s rude, he called me a druggie for choosing to meet up in an alley, I mean what’s wrong with either?!”

“Micheal my ears, please.”

He took a deep breath and by the grace of heaven itself he calmed down.

“Look, I don’t know if you can help Zane the same way I helped Draxum. Some people don’t want to be changed, that was my biggest fear with Drax. But that’s not my point.” He put a soft hand on my shoulder, the tone of his voice sounded different. “What I’m saying is, I get it.”

My throat felt itchy. I hadn’t heard words like that in years. Having someone say they understand me, not being judged or getting weird looks for feeling the way I do. And I can’t even help believing him, after everything he’s told me it sounds like he meant it. I don’t really know how I feel right now. But then again, maybe I don’t have to know.

We stayed in comfortable silence listening to the city below.

There weren’t too many people out right now, everyone who had been outside enjoying the nice weather before were returning home from shopping or leaving cafés. Not many cars on the street, either. All in all, a nice and peaceful day.

Until, of course, it wasn’t.

A giant pink food truck with a weird stake on the top raced by definitively over the speed limit. Another large vehicle following it. It was green with a disk on the back, it kinda looked like a shell? Or maybe I’ve been talking with turtles too often-

“The Turtle Tank?”

“YOU GUYS HAVE A TURTLE TANK?!” Oh my stars! They just keep getting cooler every day I see them!

“And Meatsweat’s truck!”

“Oh, it’s Mr. Oinkerton.”

In the distance we could hear a familiar angry voice screaming vulgar words at the pig mobile through an oversized megaphone. How’d Donnie even get in this situation?

“So like…should we check in on him?”

“Nah, Dee’s probably fine.”

“Okay fair, but he’s partaking in chaotic activities without us.”

“...You know what, I like the way you think! Come on!” He rolled up his sleeve revealing a black band on his wrist and excitedly spoke to it as we both started running to catch up with the trucks.

“Hey Dontron! Why’re you on a chase with Meatsweats?”

“Mikey? You can see me? Are you in proximity?”

“Yeah! We can see you from the rooftops. I’ll wave!”

“Ugh, good I could use the help, Meatsweats upgraded his stupid truck so now it’s too fast to keep up with! Listen, he kidnapped some guy off the street and I don’t know what he’s gonna do so if you could assist-”

“On it, Dee!”

Seeing Mikey speed through the roofs was astounding! He bounced from building to building, doing flips and spins whenever he could. He looked so graceful while doing it, too. Kind of reminds me of ballerinas. Compared to him I was a heaving mess in the back. I’m faster than I was before, that’s for sure, but still had a really hard time keeping up with him. I’m starting to think Leo went easy on me…

But compared to the car chase down below, even Mikey could barely keep up.

“Man, Donnie wasn’t kidding when he said the truck got upgrades. Meatsweats was never this fast before.”

“Mikey, how long are we just gonna tail them? We’re not really getting anywhere like this.”

“Well we can’t run fast enough…” he looked at Meatsweat’s trying to fight Donnie off, leaving the back door to his truck wide open. His eyes lit up “But we can fly fast enough! I’ll swing you!”

Donnie’s voice returned to the comms “Mikey where are you? Could really use that help right now!” Meatsweats was starting to close the door.

Seeing this in my excited adrenalined nature, I rushed to approve the plan. “Okay, let’s do it!”

One of his nunchucks wrapped around me and my legs left the ground. I cut through the air getting flung right into the truck, somehow not breaking any bones after crashing in. Probably should have thought about that before.

I looked out and met Donnie’s panicked glare. “SALENA?!”

“Hi Donnie!” The door shut and my attention turned toward Meatsweats and a terrified boy with a bag covering his head in the corner.

“Who the hell are- oi, you’re the annoying lass from before, aren’t you?” Oh damn, he remembers me. “What’s with you and ruining my dinner plans?”

“Wait, dinner plans? You’re gonna eat him!?”

He looked so unbelievably offended at that, because of course it was such a stretch to come to that conclusion “What are you, stupid? I was a human before getting mutated. I was a world renowned chef, Rupert Swaggart!”

“Your name was Rupert? Ew.”

“SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!” Oh right, this is a hostage situation.

“Sorry, sorry, distractions. So what you’re saying is, you’re not gonna eat him?”

“No, of course not, human meat is an atrocious flavor.” That’s a relief! “However, they make a lovely meal for mutant livestock. And now I can feed twice the amount.” Oh.

He charged at me with his enormous tenderizer and I quickly got up and prepared my body for the attacks.

Go left! Now right! Right again! DUCK! He’s so swift with his strikes it’s almost too much for me to handle. I tried looking for any openings out but it was useless! All the doors are locked and he’s blocking the switch.

“How come he gets tied up but I have to be killed now?”

“Personal grudges.”

I got backed into a corner and narrowly avoided a butcher knife thrown straight at my head. Whatever greater force is keeping me safe, I owe you my life.

Wait! He threw a knife!

Genius struck me as I pulled the blade out from the wall. I charged at him, getting all my energy ready for the blow. Meatsweats chuckled.

“Aww, you really think you can fight back with a tiny cleaver?”

“Not quite.”

Instead of the slice the idiot pig prepared for, I planted my foot firm on the ground and swung the sharp blade to the left, smashing right through the window.

“What the-”

Perfect! Now to take care of the swine.

I darted around the room taunting him, now being the one to control where he’d strike. My heart was beating at the speed of sound, legs quick and light. My reflexes took over completely. It’s crazy to say this but I feel like I’m really in my zone!

Once I annoyed him enough to turn his blows even more aggressive than before, I ran right behind him, clinging on to his back. He took the bait and smashed down. The metal hammer hit him smack dab on the head as I dodged away, knocking him out.

Cutting my celebrations short, I rushed over to the boy and helped him up. He flinched at my touch, the bag still blinding his sight.

“What’s happening?!”

“Your rescue, that’s what. Now, come on!”

I helped him avoid the loose shards on the bottom while getting his body out the window. I stuck my head out and yelled for Donnie, who was still right behind us relieved to see me in one piece.

“Donnie I’m throwing him out the window, tell me when Mikey’s ready!”

“I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE RESCUING ME!”

After getting the thumbs up from Donnie, I pushed the boy out to the streets and sure enough, Mikey’s chains caught him and pulled him up to wherever he was on the roofs.

I heard a grunt behind me. Meatsweats was awake already? God I can’t believe I was scared I actually hurt him.

I scampered up to the roof of the truck. Unfortunately got jumpscared as the vent flung open and Meatsweats tried going through it. My bad for wanting to catch my breath, I guess.

“Salena jump!”

I took his suggestion and ran forward, avoiding the grimy mutant pig, and leaped over to the tank. A hole opened up and allowed me inside with Donnie looking back, setting the tank to autopilot and checking me for any serious injuries.

“So which one of you dum-dums thought it was a brilliant plan to send the untrained non-mutant human into the murderous chef’s vehicle?”

“Oh, was that bad?” Well, at least it’s over now.

Mikey’s voice came through Donnie’s own hand wrap. His were larger than Mikey’s, covering his entire palm compared to Mikey’s wrist bands.

“Donnie! Is Salena okay?”

“Physically or mentally.”

“Yepperoni. I’m right here, Mikey.”

“Phew good! And uh, by any chance, are you guys still following

Meatsweats?”

“Uh, I’m about to stop the tank, why?”

He nervously laughed “So um, you know the person we just saved right? Apparently he had a really important USB with him and he thinks it fell out in the truck…”

“OH COME ON!”

And so the chase continues as we scrambled to find answers.

“Are we really going to keep tracking Meatsweats for a USB drive? Who even uses them anymore!”

“He sounds super panicked so it must be bad, Dee. What if it’s something dangerous?”

“He’s a teenager, Micheal, why would he have dangerous intel?”

“Aren’t you two teenagers?”

“We don’t count!”

“How do we even get it from Meatsweats’ truck?”

Donnie switched over to the control manual and got a bunch of missiles ready “That’s it! I’m going lethal!”

Mikey’s face appeared on the monitor “Donnie don’t! You could destroy the drive thingie.”

“But my moment…”

“Donnie!”

Red lights started blinking, warning about the tank’s declining gas.

“Fine but we’re running out of time, what else can we do?”

“Want me to jump back in?”

“Do you want to die?”

“Sometimes.” They stared at me wide-eyed as I had the dawning realization “Oh wait that was rhetorical, wasn’t it?”

I forced my three brain cells to try and be useful.

C’mon, brain. Think, Salena! Think!

I saw the cleaver I still had in my hands and got an idea.

Bingo!

“Donnie! Drive to his right!”

“What? Um okay. Wait, where are you going!?”

I climbed back out the hole on the top. “When I count to three, stop the Turtle Tank.”

“CAN ANYONE COMMUNICATE THEIR PLANS WITH ME BEFORE IMPULSIVELY JUMPING IN?”

I threw my hair back letting the rushing keep it out of the way.

“Ready Donnie?”

“No.”

I aimed the cleaver for the front right tire and began counting “One…”

Pulled my arm back, getting ready to throw “Two…”

I took a deep breath. Arms don’t fail me now. I swung forward and felt the handle leave my grasp.

“Three!”

The tank jolted to a stop, knocking me forward. Donnie came out and helped me to my feet.

“You good?”

“Well, I’m alive so.”

We looked up and saw the blade successfully puncture the tire, sending the truck skidding to a crash at a light pole.

“Great Galileo, you actually did it. I’ll confess, I’m impressed!” Is this what validation feels like?

The round tangerine joined us not too long after with the boy strapped to his back and came running towards me.

“Salena, you were amazing!” Validation and a hug on the same day? Have I been blessed?

“Hey can someone get this thing off my head now?”

I looked at the boy, then at the horrific scenery behind him. “Uh…maybe we should get to a less chaotic place first.”

Mikey handed me the USB he found in Meatsweats’ truck. ”Sorry our day got interrupted Salena. You can always come back after helping him!”

I was about to agree but felt a buzz on my skirt pocket. I took out my phone and saw a pestering text from my aunt as well as the time being 5:00pm.

“I would but, I should probably get home anyway. You guys okay with um…all that?” I pointed to the passed out pig in his broken down truck.

Donnie pat my head with one of his extra robot arms “No probbles, we’ll take care of it. You’ve helped enough.”

I guess he’s always been nice-ish to me but still didn’t expect affection from him.

I saw him and Mikey chatting while cleaning up the mess, Mikey beaming as Donnie ruffled what would’ve been his hair if he had any. I smiled. Maybe I just never looked close enough at Donnie. Seems like he’s always been this way.

I lead the boy away from the mutant havoc and into a more public area before taking the bag off his head.

“Are you okay?”

He blinked and I studied his features a bit more. Dark eyes, short black hair, and round glasses. “Yeah I-I think. Thanks for saving me.”

I handed him his pen drive and after a few more thank-yous, he left. As promised, gave Zane a call. He didn’t pick up though. I shrugged it off and started walking back home. What a day today has been!

Next Chapter

[unofficial-sean]

Life kinda, like, passes you by so quickly. Once moment a college student is popping your cherry--you can’t really feel your body, it’ll ass tingly and light headed--and now you’re approaching your mid-twenties and the gravity of everything sets in; the finite nature of life, the warped film of time and memories, and latent nature of firsts.

When I was 17, I dreamed of where I’d be now, but where I am is so far off the mark. I can’t even bottom, i don’t have a place of my own, my career is fragmented, and worse of all, I’m so alone in this struggle.Not only did I fail to achieve my goals, I’ve become a different person; alien to who I was when all I could thin about was getting railed and moving out of my small hometown.

Not that those were good admirations, but I’ve just completely lost sight of who I wanted to be. I’m so lost and there’s no guidance. As loathe as I was to accepting it, I had so many resources in high school. There were people there willing to help if i just had the wisdom to accept it. But now here I am.

in three months, I’ll be 24. Another year passed and I have still not achieved my goals. They’re not even possible, now. And that should be fine, but part of me still wants that. Part of me still wants to get railed and have people over and live a more risky life. But all I can do now is top at best. Maybe I work some job. Gets me enough to survive and pay for my ROV research on the weekends. That’s all I have left.

I recognized that working for the Army was soul sucking,and so I’ve got multiple interviews in the private sectors for electronics work. But I jsut know it won’t give me purpose.

Everyone says “be yourself and you’ll find your people.’ But when I do that, I’m always alone. If I go out to the ocean with my ROV, who will saunter on up and take interest? How to I meet my people when all I do is solitary? I fantasize that someone asks what I’m doing, and I explain that I’m observing sharks, and they get interested, and I show them how to use the ROV controller, and l et them explore and focus on the marine life that catches their eye, and we form a friendship. But in reality, everyone on the shore is focused on their own things.

There is no guide anymore. There are no resources. I can’t figure out which side of me people like, and I can’t even get brief sexual gratification anymore.It seems whoever I am, personally, professionally, romantically, and sexually, is so undesirable. Even though I’m being myself. I fell so stuck.

I can’t stop crying. The life i wanted was robbed from me,and the best i can do with my circumstance is not good enough. I don’t have the personality of a dominant top. I’m a subby bottom that can’t bottom. I like myself shaved and lithe but toned. And that’ fine for a bottom, but not for a top. I can’t fit any space. I’m just this malformed creature,

N one wants to talk with me. N one matches my passion. I don't’ even care if it’s unrelated to my interests. I can spill about all there is to know about sharks, and I’ll never meet someone with that same spark for anything. Am I overwhelming? Am I dry? None of this shit gets spilled when I talk to people; it should come up when I  talk to my therapist, but my therapist is only available for one hour every two weeks. She’s never there when I need her most.

It’s not your responsibility to comfort me. My therapist would likely just tell me to focus on myself or whatever. I’ve been doing that. All the advice there is to give, I’ve heard.

I don’t think I’m inadequate. Inherently, I like myself. If I could clone myself, we’d get alone. But I really struggle to understand why other people don’t seems to like me. Whether it’s at a glace, after an interaction, or after months of friendship. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I never get an answer.,. I get ghosted. I get left to pick up the pieces and form my own conclusions. All that’s ever done is force me to be harsh to myself; to self criticize; to pick myself apart before I can put myself back together.

I’m not perfect. I struggle to understand socialization. I can’t tell wish face people want to see. I’m too afraid to make compliments or advances because I can’t tell if what I’m saying is charming or harassment. When I keep to myself, no one gets in. When I push too far, I’m reprimanded. I long for a space where the words I say are not taken with such dire nature.

I want to be soft. I wanted to be feminine and womanly. And maybe i still can. But how many people really, truly want a feminine person to top them? How many people want to truly put  up with infodumping and the sensitivities of an autistic person? What can I even do to form connections when my messages are never read?

There is no guide. No help. I could have died today, and I’d have died without ever knowing a woman’s touch. Without ever feeling that delicacy. I’ve had men, sure, but that I’ve never felt; not intimately. I could have left this world without ever having touched a shark. Or left being a research paper. The only person who’d really miss me is my dad, And he doesn’t really know who I am.

I make my intent known and I wait. but how much waiting must i do before I recognize the reality and let it go? I am who I am. And I’m going to sleep.

[adeehayag]

too far / a self para (pt. 1)

And I’ve gone too far Lost my mind, it was overdone I'm melting with your scars Now I find nothing else to hold on And it's my fault It's my fault

triggers: death, murder

Dear diary, 

I think that’s how I’m supposed to start writing this. I’m not entirely sure how to go about it because the last time I had a diary, I was fourteen years old and I had a crush on one of the guys on the football team. I was talking about him so much, like how cute he was when he smiled, or how tall he was and how I wanted to wear his letterman jacket. One day, though, the diary slipped out of my backpack and a classmate took it, reading it out loud for everyone to hear, to make fun of me. 

I swore to myself I’d never have another diary again. 

However, I went to therapy today. It was my first time, and seeing how nervous it made me feel, I think that was the last time too. She was nice, though. Made me feel really safe in her office, even though I didn’t like how prodding her eyes were. I felt like I was being examined. Aren’t therapists supposed to be warm? 

Anyway, she told me I seemed to have a problem with letting my words out vocally, so doing this could be a little exercise. Just write everything down in this notebook, and told me I won’t have to show it to her at all. Just to let it all out in my own way when I’m ready because it might help me. 

At this point, after Dante’s death, I don’t think I can be helped, but I’ll try my best. She’s right, this might be good for me. A way for me to retrace my steps. To learn from whatever mistakes I may have made so I won’t do them again. 

For the next time I’ll kill someone. 

May 6, 2023 

I think I’ll do this by date, starting from the very beginning, so I won’t get lost in the storytelling of it all. May 6 was the day of Mama’s reopening and it started off so well. I was up so early, so happy to don my waitressing uniform again, feeling like I had my armor back on. I might have never thought I’d be a waitress at this point in my life, in this age, but it seemed I was damn good at being one. 

I’ve loved Mama’s for as long as I can remember, so being there that night of the fire had been traumatizing, especially because we all thought everyone had gotten out. We had absolutely no idea someone had been stuck there. Thoughts of the smoke in my lungs, of rushing out of there, of watching the building crumble in front of my eyes were in my head as I went to the newly renovated building, and I couldn’t be happier. 

After the nightmare that was working at Medusa as a server, being back at Mama’s felt like coming home. The smell of the coffee brewing, seeing the newly furnished booths that continued the theme of the diner, talking to my friends during my breaks, all of it made me feel so at peace. 

Up until I had to witness Dante yelling at his ex-girlfriend. Talking about how he was a father. I’d known Dante since we were younger, even dated during high school, even though I know he’d always been smitten with that woman. Now, he was a father? And from what I could hear from the conversation, he had no idea about it?

Dante stayed on my mind the entire day, throughout me ending my shift at Mama’s, to me coming home so Julia, Maya and I can get ready together, to coming to Medusa for Jieun’s party. 

I saw Dante that night, saw how sad he was and after hearing what had happened at Mama’s, all I wanted to do was to make him feel better. When the bathroom had been suggested, I was more than ready for it. I was happy about it even. Maybe this was my shot at getting him to see that he deserved better than her, that instead of focusing on her, he should be focusing on me instead. That maybe what he had been looking for was right here all along. 

He had other people to talk to, though, and as I nursed my wounded ego after the bathroom, I caught Rhys’ eye. We worked together for a while there, and he had always been the sweetest guy, always so concerned about everybody. Even when he had to break up a drunken fight and had to throw people out of the club, he was always kind to them. I don’t even think I’ve seen that gentle giant be mad at all. 

Thoughts about Dante immediately went out of my head when we started talking and with the alcohol already in my system, I just wanted to get out there with Rhys. His shift was done, I was a little tipsy, and here was a guy who seemed interested in me. When he suggested for us to get out of there, it was like I jumped up, wanting nothing more. 

He said he let a friend crash over at his place tonight, so I told him we could go to mine instead, but on the way there, I felt like I couldn’t wait anymore. We were already in the neighborhood, just a couple more minutes from my place with Julia, but I told him to pull over. We were near the Salem Neck Trail, and the woods looked a little creepier than usual, but it offered us the privacy I wanted. Once we started kissing, my mind became completely distracted. It didn’t really matter where we were. All I thought of was Rhys. All I wanted was Rhys. 

While we were in the car, we heard a noise outside, but while I told him to just leave it alone, being the man that he was, he decided to check it out, to make sure that nothing was out of the ordinary. I didn’t want to stay in the car by myself, just waiting for him, so I put my clothes back on and rushed outside to follow him. 

It was dark, he was already ahead of me and I was spooked. I was very spooked. The sounds from the critters around me that I couldn’t see made me jump every time, and I was glad I still had my bag on me because something inside of it offered me some comfort. What not a lot of people know was that I had a pocket knife on me at all times. I learned to carry it around once I started working at Mama’s and realized I was in for a lot of late nights. I didn’t have a car, and there was something so scary about being out in the open at night, even when on a bike. 

Swallowing thickly, I called out for Rhys, the light from inside the car no longer reaching to this part of the trail and my heart was thudding in my chest. I could see the road well enough, even though it was dimly lit, but I couldn’t see Rhys at all. I thought I was following him but I could no longer see him, couldn’t even hear him and I was about to cry, when just then, I heard someone make a sound from behind me, like one of those sounds made by friends when you’re trying to scare another friend, and I could feel their breath on the back of my neck, spooking me even more. Without even thinking, I turned around, knife at the ready, just to see the laughter in Rhys’ eyes make way for shock. 

I followed his eyes down to where I had stabbed him in the gut, and I couldn’t fully see it, but I could feel the wetness of the blood on my hand. In my panic, I had pulled the knife out, which just made more of the blood gush out. I remember muttering no, no, no. What did I do? What did I do? What do I do? but then even amidst my panicked breathing and scattered brain, one thing was clear to me. 

Rhys decided to scare me, thinking it was all a game, thinking it was funny. It wasn’t funny. He wasn’t funny. However cute he may be, it wasn’t funny and it was almost like I was having an out of body experience as I watched my own shaking hand plunging the knife into his stomach again. And again. And again. And again. 

Everyone treated me like I was some helpless, little girl after my parents were arrested. Everyone thought it was funny to play games with the girl who lost everything and I was sick of it. 

He was supposed to be fucking nice.  That wasn’t nice.  So I’m not going to be nice. 

I didn’t know how long I stood there, but eventually, the adrenaline and the anger faded, and nothing but panic settled in. 

What the fuck did I do?  What did I do?

I’m going to jail, I remember thinking that. They’re going to arrest me and throw me in a cell just like they did with my parents. I’m going to die there. I’m going to be somebody’s bitch because I don’t know what I’m going to do in there. I can’t do it. I can’t go to jail. I can’t. 

Rhys did this. He did this to himself. Not me. 

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my g--, I paused my muttering, startled, because when I looked up, I saw the view of the road now obstructed by a figure. I didn’t know if they heard me. I didn’t even know if they could see me, but once the figure started walking towards me, I knew I was done for. 

This is it.  I’m going to jail. 

But once I saw that it was Jake, it was like the hope energized me yet again. Jake could help me. Jake could save me. We had so much history together that even though we were no longer friends because of Kat, I felt like I was about to cry when he decided to help me. I was so relieved, I didn’t even stop to think about why he was out here by himself at this hour. I didn’t even think about why he was helping me. I just knew that he was, and I loved him for it. 

I could feel my dinner threaten to make itself reappear once he got to work, and even then, I didn’t stop think about how he was so good at this. How calm he was as Rhys’ body was chopped into pieces. How this entire situation didn’t faze him.

He was helping me, taking care of me and wasn’t that all that mattered to me? Wasn’t that what I said I always wanted? What I always needed? Someone who’d just take care of me, and won’t make me feel alone? 

My trust in him solidified completely that night. He was my knight in shining armor, coming in just in time to save me from the horror of a prison cell. How good he looked with blood on his hands, while I had blood on mine. How strong he was. How capable. He was perfect.

We’re forever intertwined now, because of this. Because of me. A silent promise that all that happened tonight would stay between us, and just us, and I couldn’t help but feel cocky. Kat wouldn’t know about this, only me. I trusted Jake, and he trusted me. 

As I went home that night with the comfort and assurance that he’d take care of everything, I didn’t even think of Rhys. I didn’t think of his blood. I didn’t think of his family. I didn’t think of the future he no longer gets to have.

Just Jake. My hero. 

May 20, 2023

A part of me thought that the worst was over. I was scared of the entire world finding out what I had done, but I also felt relieved because I knew that Jake wouldn’t hurt me like that, and the days passed by with no incidents at all. The only good thing is that everybody felt panicked, which gave me a reason to seem panicked as well. 

I’d sometimes go to the bathroom at Mama’s, turn on the hand dryer and scream loudly, not because I was freaking out about the killers, as others were, but just because I could. It was almost... euphoric. I got rid of someone I didn’t really care about who thought he was funny but wasn’t, and other than the initial fear that people would remember I had been the one Rhys had ended the night with, I just felt... free. Like I could take on the whole world. 

I was happy. 

That is, until Jake decided to contact me again. I didn’t really know what was going on or why he felt the need to contact me when I had just spent a really good night with my best friends, and though I was happy that he did seem to want to talk me, I was still confused as I followed his directions to where I was supposed to go. I had completely accepted the fact that I’d do absolutely anything for him but once I got there, though, I was met with a sight that was something I never thought I’d ever have to see in my life. 

Maya. 

She was unconscious, and I couldn’t be too sure but I think the matting of her hair was because of blood there. The image a stark contrast to how she looked just a couple of hours ago when she was with me and Julia in our apartment. I remember my first instinct had been to run towards her, and I almost tripped on my way there until I found myself kneeling beside the chair she was placed in. My hands held onto her cheeks, grateful to feel that they weren’t cold like Rhys’ were. 

She’s okay, I said, relief evident in my voice but my blood ran cold as I moved my eyes up to meet Jake’s. My hero. This strong, capable man handing me a knife. 

I like to think I’m a smart person, but I felt really dumb then. Completely and totally dumb. It didn’t register in my mind what that knife is for. I didn’t even understand why we were here in the first place. I always thought that if I snuck around everyone’s back with Jake, we’d be doing something completely different. 

My hands reached out for the knife regardless, because it felt like that was what I was supposed to do. As my hands wrapped around the handle, it slowly started to sink in what we were here for. Almost as if I could now see things with a clearer vision. 

No, I remember saying. No. I can’t do that to Maya. I can’t-- This-- I was struggling to breathe, only then realizing where we were. How... sterile the entire environment was. How... planned out. I remember thinking this is the work of someone who’s a planner. Maybe Jake had been planning this for months. Maybe even years. I really didn’t know, and now didn’t really feel like the time to ask, not when I was panicking so hard. 

Then the words came that brought tears to my eyes. Kill her or I’ll kill you both.

I didn’t understand. I thought Jake was my hero, was someone I could look up to and trust completely. He helped me with the unfortunate situation that was Rhys and I thought that was that. We were bonded by that secret that we’ll carry with us until we die. I didn’t think we’d be back to do more. I didn’t think he’d ask me to do something that I couldn’t possibly do. 

I couldn’t possibly do this, right? I can’t. I won’t.

I can’t do this, I said, hearing how shaky my own voice was. I can’t kill Maya. Please don’t make me kill Maya. I can’t.

I didn’t understand the look in his eyes when he listened to my stammering. How dead they were. How panicked mine must have been, but the silence in that room was heavy, only interrupted by my quick breathing. Do you ever think about those times when you sob so uncontrollably, especially as a child, and then you take a shaky breath after what felt like the longest time when in reality, it had just been a couple of minutes, glad that the worst was over? 

That was what I wanted to feel. That was what I needed to feel right now, because my brain was starting to hurt and I just wanted this to be over. I didn’t want to feel like this anymore, like something was being held over my head, and the only way to do that was to do what Jake asked me to do. 

It almost felt like I was watching someone else’s shaky hand hold up the knife and see it plunged deep into Maya’s chest. A strangled gasp escaped past my lips as my hands immediately let go of the knife, jumping back as if the handle was hot to touch, my tears falling down my cheeks with no intention of stopping. 

What the fuck did I do? What the fuck did I do? What the fuck did I do? 

There was nothing else I could have done after that, except watch as Jake did what he did best. What I had seen him do only once before. He was methodical, almost trained, and I know I should be scared. I should be running for the hills seeing how good this man is at handling a dead body, but instead, something like warmth bloomed in my chest. 

I did it. 

I did what he asked me to do and I did it well. He didn’t have to say that he was proud of me because I know he is. After feeling completely powerless after what happened with my parents and the spectacle my life had become immediately after that, there was power in knowing how easy it was to take a life. To know that Jake trusted me still. To know I could do it, and that I will. I won’t hesitate next time.

Rest in peace, Maya, I thought, as I watched Jake cut off her hands, the tears long gone by then. There was no more sadness in what I had done. It was necessary, I thought. Maybe a part of me was relieved too that Maya was no longer in the picture. Julia and I were the best friends here, not Julia and Maya. I was taken aback by the sudden realization but I was quick to accept the dark truth about what I really thought about her as I stepped into a pool of her blood. Maya should have known better than to tread onto my friendship.

This part was always Jake’s domain, I thought, as I stepped back and merely watched him, filled with admiration and warmth, barely even giving much attention to the corpse in the room with them.

June 9, 2023

I gave myself a chance to let loose and just do what I wanted to do on my birthday, even though it was a day after Maya’s body was found and I had to force myself to seem sad still about her death, when in reality, I really wasn’t. Now that I couldn’t stop picturing her as the third wheel in my friendship with Julia, all I could think of when I remember her is good riddance. 

My birthday came and went. I felt pretty good that night in the outfit that I wore to Medusa, I ended up in bed with Kyle, had a talk with Julia about it the morning after, but other than that, the days trickled by slowly, and it seemed like things were going back to normal. I didn’t really understand why Tucker had to die, but I was positive Jake would talk to me about it when the time came. 

Was it bad that I felt a tiny, tiny, tiny bit of FOMO about it? Why’d he have to kill Tucker when I wasn’t there? 

I asked myself that, but then I realized there was a better question I should be asking myself: Why was I thinking about killing again? Why did I want to? Was it the rush of power that I got watching the life drain from their eyes, knowing it was me who had been responsible for it? Was it the fact that it was something I can control, compared to everything else that had happened in my life after my parents’ arrest that made me feel completely helpless? Was it because it gave me a reason to be closer to Jake?

Either way, I felt like I ready when Jake and I met up again. I remember I was even smiling when I walked back to where I had previously killed Maya, and I was still smiling when I saw Ruby’s lifeless frame. Jake’s been busy, I remember thinking, full of glee and anticipation. I wonder who mine is. My present. Jake’s present for me. It was only when I realized who the other person was beside Ruby that the smile finally left my lips. Seeing the familiar dark hair. The expression on her face that I could delude into thinking was just her being asleep, instead of unconscious in a dark room, being prepped for slaughtered.

No. The word moved past my lips firmly and I shook my head, not even daring to reach for the knife in Jake’s hands. No, I repeated and it was just that one word being said over and over as the tears started to pool in my eyes. Surely, Jake wouldn’t do this. Surely, there was still a line that neither of them can cross. 

Surely, Julia couldn’t be killed, not when she was my best friend in the whole world. Not when she had done absolutely nothing to deserve to have an end like this. Hadn’t Maya been enough?

Please. Please don’t do this, I begged, but it felt like he wasn’t even hearing me. It didn’t matter if I started to sob, the same words that had been said in this same room were said once again, and I thought I knew what despair felt like, but I was wrong. I was so wrong. 

Kill her or I’ll kill you both.

I wanted to scream then. I had to be the one to kill her? Wasn’t the fact that she was possibly going to be killed bad enough? Maybe a part of me really did want to kill Maya because I didn’t resist as much as I was resisting now. I didn’t cry as much as I was crying now. I didn’t want to do this. I can’t. I won’t. I can’t do this. I can’t hurt Julia. 

But did I have a choice? Did Jake leave me with one? 

I couldn’t read the expression on his face. Once again, I don’t know where I stand with him. Weren’t we closer than ever? If so, why all this? Was this just a test? Was he testing me, to see where my loyalties were? Did he want to hurt me? Is he really going to hurt me if I can’t do this? Was this random? Did he think this whole plan through? Why Julia? 

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? 

Please don’t make me do this, I sobbed, hoping and praying that he would change his mind but to no avail. 

I don’t want to die, I remember thinking. I can’t die yet. But how can I live if I push through with this? If my best friend’s death will be on my hands? Can I survive that? 

A thought popped into my head then that I really didn’t have a choice. I saw what Jake was capable of. I had come to understand the look in his eyes for the after part, even loving that part of him. When the hacking off of body parts started happening. When his eyes swept over the room to make sure there was no trace left of what he had done. It was when he’s in his element, tapping into who he innately is, and I get to take a peek on who he really is and loving him anyway. Funnily enough, it was also when he’s like this when I feel safest, because I knew what he could do, and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was that he trusted me enough to show this side of him.  

I just never thought I wasn’t part of the exception. 

Would he really hurt me? I don’t have a choice. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t. I can’t do this. I need to do this. I have to. I don’t have a choice.

I’m sorry, I said, sobs racking my chest as I finally wrapped my hand around the handle of the knife, staring down at my best friend’s face. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I whispered as I stabbed her in the chest, making sure it was clean. Making sure it was quick and painless. The kind of death she deserved. I could grant her this one last favor. 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. 

And for the first time since all this happened, I finally understood what grief truly was. I understood what love truly was.

Grief is dealing with what I did to Julia, my own best friend. Love is dealing with knowing even after giving me no choice, I still would do anything, anything for Jake. 

June 22, 2023

I didn’t have to fake it this time. The sadness. The loss of appetite. The lack of desire to actually do anything. The strong urge to stay in bed the whole day to cry. The inability to fall asleep. I didn’t even have the option to bury myself in work because Minnie decided to give me as many days off as I wanted while I grieved. 

I hated it. I hated the pity in her eyes, and I hated the pity in everyone else’s eyes too. It wasn’t like this after my parents got arrested. Back then, people were judging me because of their mistakes, as if I was the one who had been taking all that money. Back then, I hated all the judgment, even wanted to walk up to people to tell them to stop judging me for something I didn’t even do, but now, I’d jump at the chance to be judged over pitied.

I hated it. I hated everything about it. I still loved Jake, and I knew that will always be the case, but I couldn’t stop seeing the knife plunging into Julia’s chest every time I closed my eyes. The memory of the man I loved was intertwined with the deaths of my two best friends and it brought a lot of conflicting emotions that just left me exhausted.

My only consolation, the only beacon of hope I felt like I had left in this world, was Dante. I can still remember what had happened at Mama’s reopening, the look on his face, but nowadays, he seemed to be doing better, which I found relieving. He was one of the few people who actively checked in to see how I was doing after the news of Julia got out and it meant a lot more to me than people thought. 

Just because I killed my best friends doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings, you know?

He just made me so, so, so happy and even though we used to date, hooked up sometimes throughout the years, talking with him now felt like we were meeting each other again for the first time, which wasn’t really that far off. After all, I wasn’t the same person I was back in high school, in the same way I hope he wasn’t the same person he was back in high school too, when he seemed to be completely head over heels over this other woman, who I always felt didn’t deserve him. 

I wanted to change that, for sure. I wanted his eyes on me. I wanted to be the priority this time around, and not just be the person someone fucks before getting back with their ex, like how I felt with Dante’s cousin, Grey, especially because it already sucked seeing him run right back to his ex. I really didn’t need to see Jake go running back to his bitch of a girlfriend too after every kill we did together. Seeing it happen made me angry every single time, made me feel like an option. 

It wasn’t fair on me.

I was the one who knows the real Jake, not her. He’s probably just with her for some ass anyway. I really wouldn’t mind killing again if it meant I’d get to hurt that fucking bitch. I want to see the panicked look in her eyes as she realizes she has no way out and that I’m the one who gets to dangle death in her face. I want to hurt her. I want her to suffer. I want to hear her cry. I want her to try to fight back. I want to slap her over and over.

And over and over and over and over again. I want her cheeks to be red as hell, payback for what she did to me. I’ll find a way to make this happen. I’m sure of it.

Her being friends with Dante is also so fucking annoying. I swear, Dante’s like a magnet for the most annoying people ever. Kat, Sawyer, Lucia, fucking Bella. They can all die for all I care. I’ll kill them all myself if I have to, since it would  probably make the world a much better place. They’re all distractions from me anyway. From what Jake and I could have. I mean, Dante and I.

Jake can have fun with his fake blonde bitch, and I’ll just focus all my efforts on Dante, which wasn’t really that hard because he made it so easy to care for him. He had such a good heart, such a kind soul that I could definitely see myself falling in love with him. Maybe he’ll get over his ex and fall in love with me somehow too. At the rate we were going, I was pretty optimistic about it, especially because he asked me to be his plus one at the music festival. 

Some part of me knew that relying on just him for my happiness wasn’t healthy, but I was grieving my best friends’ deaths and I just wanted everyone else to leave me alone. At this point, I didn’t even care what anybody else thought. I just wanted to be with Dante. If Jake wasn’t going to give me the time of day when he knows we should be together, then I shouldn’t even bother. Not when my heart was already yearning for another. 

I smiled as I got a text message from Dante that night, and it felt like my entire body was filled with light. This man made me so, so happy and I wondered what this surprise was. Rolling over until I was resting on my stomach, my feet in the air, I sent him a quick reply. 

A:  can’t wait to see you tomorrow too. can i get a little hint on what this surprise might be? 💕

The smile on my face slowly disappeared as the minutes ticked by with no response. Maybe he was driving himself home? I was just about to give up and call it a night when I jumped at the sound of the notification saying I got a text. 

It wasn’t from Dante, though. It was from Jake. 

[kimberlyshaynetanting]

= 3 Idiots: A Heartfelt Reflection =

Keywords: reflection, 3 Idiots, Rancho, Farhan, Raju, lessons, positive, perspective

Before starting my reflections from the movie, I want to share what I have been feeling the past couple months because of college. I was determined to do my best in everything I did. But then I had a lot of moments where I felt empty, stuck, and behind others. It is frustrating, but at the same time, I am letting it pass. I was an academic achiever in my elementary and high school years. And honestly, I fear that I am not going to continue that legacy of mine. I luckily got the dean’s lister award last semester. I was so happy and proud. Now that I started raising expectations, I am under so much pressure to maintain what I started. I shouldn’t have started it, I thought. Given the task of watching and reflecting on the movie 3 Idiots, it was just what I needed because I related so much to some of the characters, and I can’t wait to share what I have learned from them.

After watching the movie, I realized how much I relate to all three main characters. The movie gave me a new perspective on life. It gave me a lot of lessons and values. I am going to narrow down everything I have imprinted in my heart. 

Life shouldn’t be a pressure cooker. There is this character named Joy Lobo. He committed suicide after Virus told him he wouldn’t be able to make it to their graduation ceremony because of his unfinished thesis project and lacking requirements. When he sang his song, “Give Me Some Sunshine,"  I really cried so much. Every now and then, when I listen to that song, I feel like crying. “I want to grow up once again” is so relatable. I want to experience life again as a kid, where I was not worried about anything else besides not being able to play outside. I couldn’t agree more with the fact that parents and schools put too much pressure on students. We are given countless tasks and deadlines. Students memorize rather than learning and analyzing a topic. Which, in my opinion, is useless. The pressure to excel in the education system outweighs the joy of learning. The system puts too much emphasis on academic achievement, which causes students to feel overwhelmed and burned out. I value intelligence as much as my own well-being, which is why I am balancing my intellectual and emotional well-being with care. Therefore, I fully support Rancho’s sentiments about schools. I want a school that follows his ways. A school that promotes and showcases different learning styles. 

Life is not a race, but a journey. I used to compare myself to others, but then I realized how exhausting that was. I already had that kind of mindset even before watching the movie. And I was so relieved that I was reminded of it, because I needed it. This is where I relate to Rancho; he did not compare his life to others. He was focused on learning and helping everyone who needed his help. Our lives aren’t made for a race. We are supposed to go at our own pace and discover our passions, even if the journey is bumpy. 

Don’t be afraid of the future. Just like Raju, I worry about my future. I wasn’t pressured by my mother too much. But still, I don’t want to disappoint her, and I want to give her a comfortable life where she can enjoy everything in life without worrying about money or expenses. She did not give me that kind of responsibility because she is driven and very hard-working. I just want to be like her. Raju depends so much on lucky charms and gods; I don’t. I believe we only need to improve our abilities and skills because no one is going to help us but ourselves. And in order to achieve that kind of mindset, we should not worry about what the future holds; instead, we should learn how to make it the way we like it. 

Help others whenever you can. This is another trait that I like about Rancho. He is more than happy to help his friends and others. He reminded his friends Raju and Farhan that “All is Well” whenever they were in great turmoil. Rancho helped Raju’s dad. He also helped the school facility’s house boy, Millimeter. He helped the boy study and encouraged him to continue learning. He also helped Joy Lobo with his thesis project drone, even though he did not ask for it. In my case, I also like helping because it warms my heart. I always feel good when I make someone’s day. I feel like, as human beings, we are given abilities, gifts, and talents so that we can share them with others. I have always wanted to become a channel of blessings for others. I hope someday I can be that kind of person.

We shouldn’t chase success. As I have mentioned, I want to be successful someday; therefore, I am doing all I can to get there. I still have a long way to go, and I am up for it. I believe I am still on the journey of self-improvement. I would like to focus on what I want to do and what I am good at. In my case, I am not perfectly sure what I will gain by doing what I am good at. I don’t know if I will gain money from it, but I don’t want to overthink it now. I want to focus on the present and push myself to live in the moment. 

The lessons that I highlighted are just a few examples of what the movie showed. I regret that I did not watch it before when I had the chance. But at the same time, I felt like I am in the right age and time when I watched it because of my current status, I was able to understand and relate to it more. It is such a masterpiece. It touched my heart to its core. It is one of the best movies I have ever watched. As I end this reflection of mine, I would like to admit that I had fun writing, for it gave me insights on what life is about. It is just a matter of perspective.  

[ameliaashdale]

My Autism Saga

Episode II: Duality of Disability

Recap:

A young girl with autism comes to realizes that she is an autistic woman in the modern world, even though the world itself is stuck between false progress and a fight for the dreams the old world tried to promise to everyone.

Today's Episode:

Amelia delves deeper into her strengths while being countered with drawbacks.

I have gone through my own sort of character arc throughout the years. Once upon a time, I was "The Girl": well-meaning but often approaches the problem in the worst way. Intelligent but unable to do other basic things (book smart as opposed to street smart). Often, she was considered brash and impulsive because she was dedicated to being more than she was. After all, every child wants to be seen as grown up in some way or another. Grown-ups are cool because they can stay up late, make their own choices, and be an icon in their own way. However, every grown-up and child has two things in common: strengths and weaknesses. Strengths are things you hone, while weaknesses can and often should be overcome.

For myself and a lot of other people on the spectrum, not every strength is something people recognize. Not every weakness can be overcome. Our strengths can be seen as weaknesses: like being hyperfixated on something not traditionally beneficial (like obsessing over the politics of the monarchy in a high fantasy novel/ studying the creation and design of your favorite line of dolls, as opposed to studying chemical compounds in cells/ not really focusing on the intricacies of the financial problems they make for their parents and themselves by not being able to a job in high school) can lead to that person being scrutinized for not trying hard enough in the important areas. Not everyone is going to like fictional politics; some people might obsess over real-world injustices and how different policies have always been in place to keep them down. Some people might know about every kind of mechanism that goes into trains, but subways and train stations can overwhelm them with the various sounds and smells.

We all vary in certain aspects of our disability. We are all valid, and all of us will need acceptance. Sometimes, we need more accommodations than we did as a child; for other people, it may be the opposite or the same thing. Sometimes, our interests change, as do our views on ourselves.

As "The Girl" slowly and steadily went through her own erratic hero's journey, it gave way to a more stable sort of personality. I am, or at least was, "The Girl." (You may call me Lady Amelia if you would prefer to put a name to my face.)

I have realized that sometimes, yes. I was irrational in school. I got overwhelmed very easily when I needed to work for long periods of time. I often screamed and cried, and it cost me in the long run. I don't have a very good understanding of what it's like to be praised as frequently as my peers, who didn't like me very well. I've never had a true friend in my class, my grade, or outside of school. I am constantly triggered by the memories of teachers constantly shushing me or repeatedly screaming, "No talking!"

I understand how to handle being when i am overwhelmed; i can recognize when I need a break and will tell people that I need to leave and decompress. If I can not leave immediately, then I try to keep calm as opposed to just screaming. My threshold for work based stress is higher than it used to be. I try to work as long and as hard as I can. I also understand how to communicate my stress in a less violent and disruptive way.

Of course, I can overwork myself and get burnt out. I might then neglect the activity (as in, talking on the phone to someone, trying to hold down a childcare job, or drafting a atory) for days, weeks, or even months on end. To avoid getting more distressed, I often avoid conflict as best as I can. I might also shut down entirely, just to avoid disappointing or scaring the remaining people I have.

Lacking positive relationships has been a hindrance for me. I want to interact with people; I want a connection beyond someone using me for a laugh or as an example of how not to act in a classroom. Alongside other common experiences in life, it would also help with my writing.

I love to write stories. I love to come up with new ideas from what I see and how I feel. If I have to walk somewhere in the rain, but I'm feeling pretty good about what will happen when I reach my destination: it's a teenage girl's lonely, rough journey that she is taking to get her dying kid sister some life saving medicine. It's a casual walk that two friends are taking because because it's not freezing out at least, and being stuck in the apartment for the whole week has been boring as shit.

The deep friends might have a casual chat that turns into something more--probably not deeply romantic (if at all), but it could be. I honestly don't know how to handle romance because I don't really have any experience with that. I actually struggle with simple, realistic conversations outside of plot specific moments. Sometimes, I even struggle with explaining things in the plot (The American Jedi is something I am constantly trying to rewrite because of that.)

I love using rich vocabulary. Fancy words are something I love--and fancy words can make fancy phrases if strung together the right way. Sometimes, I can forge an entire sixth sentence paragraph about how a monstrous entity has grimy, lice infested pores and reeks of the abysmally toxic sewers beneath the industrial hellscape it resides in. Other times, I can't even tell you why the red-headed girl is in love with her best friend other than "Oh, yes, this was all too familiar to them."

When I do interact with people, I don't really understand that the tone that they are using is just them joking because I don't have the time to process what they are saying. Sometimes, I react too quickly and stutter incoherently, or my words get blended together; other times, I don't respond because I am thinking, but then they scream at me for not answering fast enough. Meanwhile, I can understand subtleties and allegories when they are written out or shown in a way that I can recognize. I can make connections based on my special interests.

Example:

I love european history, and I also love studying disease, specifically The Black Death, and how it affected the lives of the peasants (the symptoms and how the sick were treated because of them, the religious response in this time of great despair, how it lead to dramatic changes in the real world and interpretations of the event. I love video games and the lore behind them, specifically The MMORPG Runescape. It's set in the mostly medieval/Renaissance world of Gielinor, and the game features a take on the Black Death. (I never got to play that quest because I lacked the spped and dexterity to react to fighting enemies properly. I mean: I can't even kick a soccer ball or hit anything other than foul balls in softball, so why would I be good at fast-paced games, like Metroid Prime or even Runescape? I can click a mouse, but I'm not really fast enough to select different attacks. Also, I am not patient enough to grind for XP constantly. Seriously though--why did i play this game outside of the lore??.)

So then i translate that into fanfiction. Remember how the teenage girl is going on an epic quest to save her sister from a terrible illness that will rob her of her life otherwise? The girl was named Nerine Elmwood, and she was a wannabe adventurer. She often got into tomboy antics that her little sister couldn't even fathom taking part in herself. As a result, Emily was often at odds with her big sister. But they loved each other, so much so that when Emily came down with the infamous "Plague of West Ardourgne," Nerine went crazy. She decided to travel to the epicenter of the outbreak, the titular city of West Ardougne, to find out if the rumors of a cure could save her sister.

I also incorporated a lot of other lore from the game, like how Nerine's family is Saradominist (think Christianity, but it's just one big arrogant God with blue skin, an army of angels, and vengeance on his side.) She grapples with her own beliefs (why would Saradomin allow such darkness into the light of his devoted followers? Am I wrong for leaving my sister? What if she dies anyways?)

I never finished this fanfiction past the basic plot premise, though I must admit the concept I presented is a lot neater than the original stories I wrote for Nerine. Nerine went through her own character arc: discovering her own abilities beyond the sword, coming to realize the value of her loved ones and their desires, and how her actions affect them and herself. How not every well-intended action can lead to a perfect ending, and that sometimes things can't be met with force.

Nerine was the girl I wanted to be growing up.

Now I am a grown-up, and I am going through another arc of my own.

Another arc, another Saga.

Next Episode:

Amelia recounts her special interests in depth.

[hyliandude]

The Wisdom Loop - by Franco Lopez

I still remember that first time I was at an airport getting ready to board a flight. I was six years old, wearing a new striped polo and a paper crown, and was enjoying a strawberry starfish popsicle while holding a red balloon. It was my birthday. I had a pin that showed it off to everyone, and everyone was so kind all day. We were heading to Florida for the weekend to visit amusement parks, and I did not have a single worry running through my mind. Just before boarding the flight, I bumped into an elderly gentleman sitting just outside the gate, near the check-in booth, and facing out watching the planes come and go. He seemed so calm, but there was this unspoken pain behind his eyes. I could see them glistening, like shaky pearls, from the light that peered in through the windows.

               “Happy birthday young man,” he said in a hoarse voice. He was alone, but I noticed he had a half-eaten cupcake with an unlit candle on it on the seat next to him.

               “Happy birthday to you too sir,” I said astutely. I handed him my balloon, and he perked up a bit.

               “How kind of you,” he added. “I hope you have a wonderful birthday. Keep your kind spirit, and don’t forget to work hard in life for your dreams.”

               I remember it being such a cheerful and optimistic comment when I initially heard it, but looking back at that moment throughout my life, his advice always stuck with me no matter how odd it was to mention to a kid. I tried to be as kind with people as this stranger had been with me. I tried to work hard for my dreams as well. Even at six years of age, this resonated with me immediately. It got me thinking about my future, about what I was going to do every day to ensure I achieved everything I wanted in life. In hindsight, maybe this is not something a six-year-old should have been focusing on during his birthday vacation in Florida, but I couldn’t shake it. It was like a parasite of an idea that grew into the man I eventually became. I was industrious and focused all throughout school. I knew that I wanted to be successful in my business endeavors so I could earn an honest and comfortable living and provide for my family. I had an advantage over all others in life. I had been honing my focus since day one at the airport for my sixth birthday, and it led me to jump ahead of others and squash my competition. I had made a name for myself and had accumulated a level of wealth fit for Forbes. I owned several homes, had traveled the world for business, had put my kids into the best schools in the world, and had nothing more I could possibly ask for.

               As the years piled on, I retired comfortably and dabbled in time spent acquiring hobbies I didn’t know I could even perform. The sunset of my life was quickly approaching and there was nothing I could do to slow it down. I wanted more time to paint. I wanted more time to travel for fun, not just for business. I wanted more time to spend with my children and grandchildren. I wanted more time to learn and laugh. I had all this money, but very few memories of fond time with even my children in their youth. I can’t even remember how my first trip to Disney World panned out because of how focused I was on the rest of my life. I was shriveling away, unable to create new memories for me to cherish as I lost my mobility and freedom. The diagnosis didn’t help. I had a few months left and all I could do was spend them commiserating in bed with the memories of business deals and meetings that hold absolutely no value in my heart. I couldn’t remember the birth of my children, or how and when I met my wife, or my first family vacation. There were no pictures, no videos, absolutely nothing to account for those moments lost in the past. I regret it all. I know everyone talks about being afraid of dying, but nothing compares to being so close to death and being more upset about the things you didn’t get to do in life than death itself.

               There was a flash in my room, and I jokingly thought “Ah, this is it, the light at the end of the tunnel.” What a cliché. My private doctor walked into my room, and the closing glass door had flashed a glare into my eyes. How silly of me.

               “Good afternoon how are we feeling today?” he asked.

               “Same as before doc,” I said. I kept insisting I was fine and that I wanted to go out for a swim, but everyone said I was unfit to even walk, and that I’d never even used the pool I’d fitted to the house. It’s all I want to do now. I stare at it all day from out my window. Sometimes the grandchildren will go in, and I see them playing with their beach balls and inflatable animals. I wish I could join them and splash my feet with them one last time to ensure they remember those days better than me.

               “Do you know what today is?” he added. In all honesty, I had no idea. “It’s your birthday sir. Ninety-six years old today. The family is gathering to come up in a few hours. I know its against your current diet, but it’d be cruel of me to deny you,” he said, handing me a small cupcake with an unlit candle.

               It had been so long since I was allowed to have sweets from the diet. I could not remember the last bite of pie, or ice cream, or even a lollipop I’d had. I took a bite immediately upon receiving the cupcake and reveled in the delight of sweets and icing. It was emotional and I teared up at the thought of the number of birthdays I’d missed. Not just mine, but my children’s birthdays, my wife’s, my parents. The warmth of the sunset peering in combined with the sweet cupcake was sadly one of the most cherished recent memories in my life.

               As I opened my eyes, I found myself at an airport, sitting by a busy gate boarding for Florida. I had no tickets, so I could not go, but I placed my cupcake down and tried to find my doctor. As I looked around, a small kid bumped into me. He was young, wearing a striped polo shirt and paper crown, and enjoying a strawberry starfish popsicle while holding a red balloon. The pin on his shirt read “Birthday Boy!”

               “Happy birthday young man,” I said, in a familiar voice.

               “Happy birthday to you too sir,” said the young kid, handing me his red balloon.

               “How kind of you,” I said. “I hope you have a wonderful birthday. Keep your kind spirit, and don’t forget to…” I whispered the rest in his ear.

               The young kid smiled and energetically boarded his flight.

               I remained at the gate and finished my cupcake with a tearful grin as I watched his plane fly away beyond the horizon along with my repressed regrets. 

[md3artjournal]

9:15 PM 12/2/2023

I've been thinking of giving up on drawing fanart or even human figures. I just don't have the confidence to compete in the fanart space, doing character art. I barely have confidence to promote myself as an artist of my original art that I've already done. And frankly, I've had so many negative experiences in fandom by now, I feel like I've probably burned bridges I don't know about, and people would not only not want my fanart, but actively disdain the idea of any art coming from me because of my fandom opinions. I mean, one of the top artists in that ship blocked me on Tumblr, after all. (Maybe they didn't like that I like Bottomitri? Maybe they found my hidden posts about enjoying a quick laugh out of jokes about DMCL being teasing, tsundere, and/or flirty, but actually preferring headcanoning them differently. I really don't know.) Like, I already have stickers made of one of my favorite claumitri fanarts, but I'm so reluctant to post in the tags to ask if the fandom wants to buy any, because I feel like that fandom hates me (with a few exceptions).

I've been thinking for some time, about rebranding. I'm thinking of focusing on my sketches of my photography. It's mostly photos of my backyard's flowers and the sky. (Maybe I should go out to Angeles National Forest to take some photos of landscapes. I live across the street from there, after all.) After I found out I couldn't make any merch of my tiger sketches, my best illustrations, because they were based on other people's photos, I started taking my own source photos for reference. But the only subjects I have are my backyard. I'm kind of too socially anxious to leave my house for the past several years. But my flower sketches have turned out pretty well. I just wish I had done more. And I also take photos of the sky: clouds, dusk, etc. So I want to start trying to draw sketches of the sky too.

I subscribe to all these YouTube artists who talk about the small business side of being an artist, and I just don't have the guts to do any of the advice they're giving, because I don't have any confidence in my art. Because I don't have any confidence in myself.

I once told someone that I'll probably WANT to return to an office job, by the time I NEED to return to an office job. (Something like that; I can't remember anymore.) I think I need to return to an office job. I mean, I still have money. But not enough to comfortably outsource and invest in stocking items for sales. I try to hit sticker producers' sales, but I couldn't make the last one in time, and what if it takes a while before the next sale like that in my price range? But if I can't stock enough for a store, then do I just give up? But then I'm still stuck with the same problem I had, when I first decided to try to make my living as an artist:

I just can't be happy not doing art. Even if I'm bad at it. I spent so much time at offices, having excess money, secure with employer sponsored medical insurance, and I had everything everyone said I needed to be happy. Yet, I was still self-destructive and my suicidal ideation crept back. Not as bad as during school---I had improved from cutting myself, to simply digging my nails into my skin or clenching my hands in ways that hurt my joints---but I could feel it coming back again. That's when I decided that if I was too tired after work to do art, and art was what I needed to do to feel life was worthwhile, then art needed to be my job.

But I'm just not good at it. Maybe I don't want it enough. Otherwise, wouldn't I be studying and training more? But I just can't get myself to work hard at it. My dad said once that when you're really into something, you'll automatically find yourself working hard at it without trying. Well, I found myself doing that with art in college. But now, I'm not doing that with art anymore. At least, not at the level I should be. There are people studying so hard in their spare time, that they post astronomical leaps in their 1-year-progression posts on social media. I'm not doing that. Why aren't I working as hard as that?

But I can't go back to an office job. I don't want to go back to feeling suicidal. I don't want to go back to school, because that DEFINITELY made me suicidal and self-destructive (at least at those levels). I don't want to go back to feeling that way again.

But I guess I still have suicidal ideation now. One little mistake today with some grownup responsibilities, and my thoughts are already spiraling about how I'm not cut out for being alive. But if I'm not happy while doing art, nor while not doing art, then maybe I really am not cut out for being alive. I've lost the guts to be actively trying to suicide, as I did when I was in school. But maybe I was onto something. But like I said, I still just don't have the guts for anything. But I'm also not cut-out for being alive.

9:34 PM 12/2/2023

Anyway, I just wanted to remind myself to try sketching my sky/cloud photographs.

11:32 PM 12/4/2023

I've started actually browsing how to get a library job. I've talked several times, on an off, throughout my life, about working at a library. Though, technically, I've already worked at a library during college. It was nice. A lot of times throughout my life, but especially during college, the library was the only place I could be. I had too much social anxiety to go to my dorm and all the communal spaces to hang out were social. (One time, I was racing to study for a test, in one of those communal spaces and religious solicitors took up my precious little study time, trying to recruit me. Ugh.) The library was the only place I could go to be undisturbed, sit down, be warm, and rest---Not that they had enough seating for that, most of the time. But it was still a reprieve my my endless walking around campus, because most spaces aren't built for non-social people. When I was little, I used to be a big bookworm, and constantly beg my mom to drive me to the library again and again. But I learned to hate reading in high school, so I thought I couldn't work at the library. All the library job listings required degrees that looked like they entailed a LOT of reading. And I just can't do that anymore. But my elderly mom got a job at the library for a few years a long time ago, despite her lack of a Library Science degree. So lately I've been reconsidering a quiet life with a library job or any unassuming job, with art as my hobby. Maybe art would be better as a hobby. Less pressure to be on parr with the "competition", and more freedom to feel proud of doing better than me from the past. But then the old fears creep in again about a job taking all my time and energy, until I can't do the things that make my life feel worthwhile, and then I'm self-destructive again.

Anyway, I should at least open an Etsy shop and make some more stickers. I'm really leaning towards rebranding. Maybe into multiple brands, to include my figure photography.

After all, since my figure photography keeps winning contests and features online, then doesn't that mean my best art, the art I should be focusing on, is my figure photography? I've been thinking for a while to start a YouTube side channel for my figure photography. I can be objectively aware that my figure photography isn't exactly the best, especially compared to all the other figure photographers out there. But since it keeps winning recognition, doesn't that mean that people like it enough? Maybe I should be doing something with it? Or at least taking it more seriously. I don't even have an Instagram solely focused on my figure photography! I don't even have a DLSR!

There used to be a figure videography channel I loved called fullOanime, who made figure showcase videos that reminded me of the cosplay music videos that I watched a lot of, at that time. Fulloanime deleted all their figure videos and rebranded, but I always wanted to watch videos like that again. I began to want to make figure videography music videos, like cosplay videographers. (For a long time, I WAS a cosplay videographer. Just not the ones with gyroscopes, making music videos. I just documented cosplay gatherings.) Something for myself to rewatch, the way I used to repeatedly rewatch fullOanime's figure showcases. So often, I see the Nendoroid YouTubers I Follow, talk about how no one is watching their unboxing videos. So even though people have told me that my collection is diverse enough to make a good unboxing channel, I've felt reluctant. (But mostly because i like taking my time, documenting my unboxings for myself, so i can be sure if any damage or missing pieces were like that straight out of the box. I dontwant to redirect focuson turning unboxing into a video, versus documentationfir my records. But also others make it sound hopeless. I don'tneed more of that feeling.) And even the ones doing figure showcases, just aren't using the rewatchable style that fullOanime or cosplay videographers do. It's usually just the figure spinning on a rotating pedestal. Granted, some Nendoroid showcase channels I'm subscribed to, do that well. But I am craving a showcase that is just as interesting as a cosplay music video. I want those videos back, to rewatch over and over, like cosplay music videos or fullOanime's figure showcases. But it's becoming increasingly clear that I guess I'll have to do it myself. But I'm not a film editor! I used to draw comics and people from the animation college would compliment it as "storyboards", but it's been a LONG time since I lost that skill.

So should I make a figure photography YouTube channel about DIY miniature crafts for photoshoot props? Because I do that too. Not to the extent of diorama makers and the figure photographers who assemble entire miniature model buildings from scratch. But just the simple stuff. …Maybe I should make a channel about lazy miniature crafts and the most simple diorama backdrops? lol

Basically, i wonder if I'd be better off with art as just a hobby. I love seeing other artists doing well with their business and making beautiful things. But i don't enjoy knowing that's the bar i have to reach to make a living. Because i can't do it.