#‘ive been hurt so many times’ yeah man. it happens. people are shitty

[s0urte3th]

man this is why i let twoey do the comforting shit 😭😭😭

[morphogenetic]

Mediaposting 2023, #35: Banana Fish (anime)

[said while vibrating very quickly and typing out like 20 different bullet points] i like this series a normal amount

okay so. non-spoiler thoughts:

step 1 YOU SHOULD READ/WATCH THIS. it does have content warnings for literally everything you can possibly think of as needing a common content warning (drug abuse, sexual assault, racism, and thats absolutely just the tip of the iceberg) but my fucking god. no wonder it's been such an influential piece of media on literally every jp anime/manga crime story (especially the BL ones) written since

for a series that is literally one of the early genesis points of BL as a genre i was ABSOLUTELY expecting more actual BL than was in this LOL. not that i'm really upset, bc honestly i really like the way that ash and eiji's relationship is written in a shoujo-y "they obviously care about each other a lot but it's not going to be outright romance" kind of way. bc like, honestly? that makes it way more emotionally satisfying (and devastating). i think it would actually make less sense if anything more happened In the story (though more happening in the epilogue wouldnt hurt LOL)

how the FUCK was this published in a shoujo magazine

the time period change to modern day from the mid-80's has both helped and hindered this series bc like. on one hand. much easier to do everything with a phone. also the update to shorter's character design was excellent,10/10 no notes. on the other hand. the Everything About It makes it so obvious that it was written to be a product of its time.

speaking of ^ ash turning from A Guy Who Knows How To Use A Computer into a hacking genius is so. why. i mean you can update it for sure but Why Like This

god i wish this had more room to breathe sometimes bc the exposition goes WILDLY fast sometimes. why did they try and do 19 volumes in 24 episodes. the 39 episodes that the director wanted would have been so nice to have

that said: the emotional moments that i actually give a shit about and that make up the core of the weight of the story are given what they deserve. at least up to volume 5 they are. gestures at ep 9? and 22 with a pained smile

i literally could write an essay about why it works so well as a spin on the american-style gangster story even while it definitely has flaws. and how its influenced so many fucking things. my god.

it has flaws for SURE but the rest is so good that i don't care. which is rare for me (gestures at nirvanai/neo twewy being other examples)

spoiler thoughts under the cut (like full-very-ending-of-series spoilers) but YEAH UH I LIKE THIS THING CAN YOU TELL BY HOW MUCH I WROTE ABOUT IT.

it does kind of annoy me that literally all of the canon-MLM (probably gay but you know) guys are horrible people lol. like wow love how the gay predator stereotype is on full display here. feeeeels baaaaad. i know i know asheiji homoeroticism i am ON THAT TRAIN

however yut-lung being feminine out of a wish to carry on his dead mom's legacy is kind of a slay. ive seen people go "ugh it sucks that one of the villains is a feminine man' but while he is definitely not a good person hes one of the less terrible villains, just like. as a person. hes also a teenager in shitty circumstances just with way more power and sway

here's the part where I admit that I was spoiled on the ending so it didn't hit as hard for me OOPS. however. the anime DOES leave it open-ended and it fucking irritates me that anime-only people are like "boo i hate the ending bc ash dies!!!" when it is LITERALLY AMBIGUOUS. i have heard that the manga is less ambiguous about it but :') oh well. anime-onlys what are you doing

speaking of ^ i actually like the ending. like i think a lot of people who absolutely hate it must not have a lot of familiarity with gangster movies as a genre bc it is a genre convention that the Main Gangster dies in the end. granted this was a hayes code thing which the manga definitely did not have to do LOL but its definitely supposed to feel unfair bc ash's damn LIFE is unfair.

however i'm glad the anime makes the ending ambiguous bc that feels like a more fitting end. like ash's life was always in limbo, considering what he was doing, so making his life in limbo at the end too? Good. Yes. Do That

the fucking. everything with shorter and the sa-yo-na-ra bit. i die. that shit is so emotionally painful

i know this sounds weird but i kind of wish they dragged out the "what the hell does banana fish mean" thing a LIIIITTLE longer but by that i mean like, halfway point of the series. like they could have used a little more time to figure out what it is. also that would have let shorter live a little longer ay lmao that said this criticism also almost definitely applies to the manga soooo. you know

[griffintail]

Hello! So I was new at your blog and I feel like ive discovered the 9th cloud of heaven 🤯 so I don't know if youre in the mood but i loved your technoblade child reader fics and i really wanted to ask if you could write a overprotective!tecnho x f!child reader? i feel like it sucks so im not pushing you to do it-

I probably took it a different way than what you were thinking but I hope you still enjoy!

Utmost Care

Pairing: Technoblade X F! Reader

Warnings: Overprotective nature, Light Angst, Mentions of Swords, Mentions of Scars

~~~~~~~~~~~

Techno didn’t hold a lot of things with value but when he finally did, they were protected with the utmost care. That goes the same for living beings. His daughter certainly was one of those beings.

All of (Y/N)’s life, Techno always kept his eye on her or made someone he trusted with his life was watching her, meaning only he or Phil watched her. If Phil couldn’t watch her at the time, Techno then took her with him, keeping her close the entire time. And, if (Y/N) could tell the truth, as she got older, it was tiring.

She was thirteen years old but she wasn’t allowed to go off on her own. She either had to go with Techno and Phil, the only time she could be alone was in her own room. It was extremely tiring when she couldn’t learn new things that could be considered dangerous. Techno wouldn’t teach her to fight or brew or enchant because he said she’d never need it.

She just wanted to do something without the need for approval. She just wanted to be her own person and live her life as she wanted.

So…that’s how she started sneaking out hours at a time. She was only allowed her own peace and quiet in her room? Alright, she used that to her advantage and locked her door when she knew Techno was busy either tending to things and wouldn’t check on her for hours. When she left, she went to the one place she knew mischief was encouraged.

“Uncle Tommy!” (Y/N) grinned as she walked in the door.

“Here comes trouble!” Tommy grinned.

Tommy indeed encouraged the things Techno considered bad. He helped teach the girl how to fight, taught her to brew, showed her a few things with enchanting, and most certainly let her go off on her own around L’Manberg or the SMP, though he did warn her to be more careful in the SMP lands.

(Y/N) felt free and felt like her own person finally without a weight of watchful eye on her.

It was one of those days once more. Tommy was teaching (Y/N) the ways of the sword.

“Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me!” Tommy grinned cheekily, then yelping as (Y/N) swung as hard as she could with a smirk.

It was just another day for the pair, they just didn’t know it wasn’t another day for Techno. (Y/N) always left when Techno was on his own because he did get distracted when Phil was around or Phil tended to help him. So, if Phil was around, going out was a no-go. Phil usually showed up in the early mornings so she could tell if she could sneak out pretty early in the day.

But, today, Phil had been held up in L’Manberg and came late.

“Hey mate!” Phil called as he walked over to Techno’s.

“Phil, you’re pretty late,” Techno said.

“Yeah, had to help with some things in L’Manberg first.” Phil shrugged. “Farming all by yourself today?”

“(Y/N) said she wanted to read and she might come out later,” Techno told him as they went into the house, Techno resting his hoe by the door. “(Y/N)! The old man’s here.”

“Fuck off mate.” Phil laughed.

Techno smirked as he cleaned off his hands but frowned when he heard no movement in the rooms above.

“(Y/N)!” Techno called once more.

“She might be sleeping in, let her be.” Phil waved it off. “She’s alright.”

But the voices whispered worry, only fueling Techno’s.

“She doesn’t usually sleep in. I’m going to check on her.” Techno said before going up the ladder.

He went to (Y/N)’s room knocking, but there was once more silence. He didn’t like that.

“(Y/N).” He said trying the door handle, but found it locked. “What the-Hey. What’s with the locked door?”

“Techno?” Phil called up concerned by the conversation he was hearing.

She wasn’t saying anything though and the voices whispered panic and Techno reacted. He took a step back before kicking in the door. Phil jumped before quickly coming up the ladder as Techno went into the room.

“Techno!” Phil shouted as he followed after.

Techno’s breath came quicker out of his nose as Phil came in.

“(Y/N)’s not here. Someone took her.” Techno moved past Phil.

Phil looked at his son leaving the room before looking at the teenager’s room. The only mess was the door but (Y/N) indeed wasn’t here and his wings puffed before he rapidly following after Techno.

“You know, the last thing I thought Techno would do was not teach you how to use a sword,” Tommy said as he leaned back on the bench overlooking the river below his base.

(Y/N) sat next to him, both of their training swords laying down close by.

“I always ask him to teach me but he just tells me I don’t need to learn how to fight. I’ll be fine.” She huffed. “What am I going to do if a mob manages to get in? Can you imagine if a creeper managed to come into our house? It could just blow me and the house up because I couldn’t do anything, I might as well just stand still.”

“Ah, he’s always had a stick up his ass.” Tommy waved his hand. “And an ego. He probably thinks he can keep everything from hurting you.”

“But that’s the point uncle Tommy!” (Y/N) exclaimed. “If he taught me, it’s almost a guarantee I won’t get hurt. I could protect myself and go out and meet people. Do whatever I want.”

“He’ll figure it out eventually,” Tommy assured her.

“Alright!”

Both of them jumped as they looked around wildly, Tommy giving a scream, hearing the voice of said man. Then, a moment later, they realized it was their walkies and shared a look.

“Whoever has my kid can bring her back now and have a painless death.”

“Uh oh.” They both muttered.

(Y/N) scrambled to get her things as Tommy stood up in a panic.

“Bye!” (Y/N) shouted before sprinting towards home.

How the hell was she supposed to explain this? Oh no dad, I just decided to wander in the forest with no warm clothes?

“It’s going to be a shitty day.” She muttered as she slipped into the portal and sprinted down the pathway towards the home portal.

Deciding it was better before her father started searching homes, she took out her walkie.

“Dad!” She spoke. “What’s the problem?”

Techno froze in his path, looking at Phil before taking off his walkie. “(Y/N), where are you right now?”

“I just…went for a little walk. My legs were starting to cramp up.” She lied, wincing slightly.

“Your door was locked (Y/N). What happened?”

“I don’t know the door handle must have broke.” She tried as she felt relief seeing the home portal.

“(Y/N), what’s going on?” Techno asked in frustration.

None of this was adding up. What the hell was going on?

“Nothing dad, everything is—” She stepped out of the portal and froze when she was met with two netherite decorated family members. “Fine…”

Phil’s eyes were wide as Techno stood there quiet for a moment.

…

“YOU WENT IN THE NETHER!?” Techno shouted throwing up his arms.

“Dad, look I can explain—” She tried.

“No! I-What were you thinking?!”

“I—”

Techno looked her over. “Is that a sword?! What—You don’t fight! What the hell were you doing?!”

“Look—”

“Mate—” Phil tried to even cut in.

“No! We’re going home.”

Techno went to grab her arm but she moved back.

“LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE!” (Y/N) shouted as she shook.

Techno stood in shock as Phil took a step back, this was between father and daughter.

“I-I-Yes! I snuck out! And yes! I have a sword! But its-I just wanted to live for once! You don’t let me go out on my own! You don’t let me train or learn anything you do! I stay at home! And read and learn about farming and crafting basic ass shit! And that’s it! If I’m lucky I get to go out to the village with you keeping a close ass eye on me! And I’m tired of it!”

Techno was quiet as (Y/N) took deep breaths before he came towards her.

“You know that to keep you safe.”

“Oh, shove it, dad! What’s the point of being safe when I don’t know anything! I felt like I was going crazy and I-I can’t do that anymore daddy. I can’t.”

(Y/N) had tears in her eyes. She hated it; she was so tired of it. She was so tired.

Techno was stood in shock hesitating before coming over and hugging her tightly.

“I’m sorry.” He muttered to her. “I…I didn’t know it was hurting so much…”

It was a bit awkward of a hug with his armor on but (Y/N) hugged him back regardless.

Techno had wanted to just keep her safe. He had so many enemies and seen so many things in his life…He just didn’t want his little girl to see all the same things he had and he didn’t want her to carry the same scars. But all the while, it seemed he was hurting her in a different way.

“I’m sorry. We’ll figure it out, ok?”

“Please.” She nodded.

He’ll figure it out, he’ll still make sure she was safe, but he’d figure it out for his little girl to be happy…

====================================

General Taglist: @devilchicc @technoblades-sword

(WHY CAN"T I TAG YOU)

[hangovercurse]

Nothing

Part i of the Without You series: When Colson and Megan break up, the boys count on Y/N to piece Colson back together, which only leads to disaster.

Colson x Reader

Warnings: Colson being kind of a dick, cursing, a little bit of aggression/ violence. This one’s definitely angsty.

A/N: This was supposed to be just a one part fic. Then that turned into 2 parts. And then 3. And then all of a sudden I had written 5 parts and over 10,000 words. Enjoy 😊 (also this is v unedited so if you see a mistake... mind ya business)

Word Count: 2084

| ii | iii | iv | v | vi |

masterlist

When you got the text from Rook, you knew it was probably gonna be bad. 

Megan just left him, for good. Not gonna be pretty the next few days so maybe don’t come by anytime soon. 

Your heart broke for your best friend. Colson had been really in love with Megan. And as much as you hated seeing them together for your own personal reasons, you could tell he was really happy. 

Ok. Let me know if you guys need me. If it gets bad I can take Casie for a few days. Take care of him for me pls. 

You and Colson had been friends for years now. You knew almost everything about each other, you told him everything. He let you crash at his place after your ex kicked you out, and you had spent many hours curled up with him, watching stupid movies to distract him from his most recent breakup or mental breakdown. 

But this was different. Colson told you he wanted to marry her at some point, and you knew he wasn’t lying. And you couldn’t blame him. As much as you hated no longer being the only women (other than Casie) in his life, you couldn’t dislike Megan. She was just one of those people who everyone loved. 

The thought of texting Colson crossed your mind, but you weren’t sure if it would hurt or help. From the sound of it, he was a wreck.

So, naturally, you texted Pete. 

Have you talked to Cols yet?

With Colson came Pete, or came you, you weren’t really sure. Somewhere along the way you and Pete had become close friends. He was like the older brother you’d never asked for, and he would probably say something similar about you. 

You couldn’t really explain it, Pete could read you like a book. And because of that, he knew everything. He was the only one to catch on to the way you sometimes looked at Colson for too long, or got irritated when he’d bring a new girl around. 

I’m heading over there right now. You should talk to him.

You rolled your eyes.

Not sure that’s the best idea. You guys are better at handling... all that. Once he gets a little less angry then I’ll take him. 

Pete texted you back a few minutes later.

Thanks for the support, kid. I’ll keep you updated. Just pulled in.

Good luck, Petey.

You tossed your phone on your bed, a sigh leaving your lips. You decided worrying was a problem for another day.

No more than 12 hours later you were getting a phone call from Rook. 

“Dude it’s like 4 in the morning, why are you calling me.” 

“Y/N, we’ve tried everything. He’s locked up in his room and every time one of us tries to talk to him he blows up. Literally he almost punched Slim a few hours ago.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose, groaning at the predicament. “So now you want me to come over?” You asked, “What do you think I’m gonna be able to do?”

“Well he’s not gonna try and hit you for one. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but he’s significantly nicer to you than to anyone else.”

“What do I even say to him? “Sorry that the love of your life broke up with you but at least we can smoke pot and watch Spongebob?” I mean come on, man. I’m not good at this.”

“Please.” He pleaded, “We’re all out of options and I can’t stand to see him get any worse than he is.”

You moved off your bed and towards your dresser. “Fine, I’ll be there in 15.” 

You threw on the first pair of sweatpants you could find and slipped on shoes, grabbing your key and heading out the door.

True to your word, you pulled up to the house 15 minutes later, parking on the side of the street and heading straight into the house. When the guys saw you, they visibly brightened up. 

“You guys are such fucking wimps.” You rolled your eyes as you made your way towards the stairs. 

Baze chuckled, “We love you Y/N.”

You rolled your eyes and continued on your way, stopping by Casie’s room to see if she was asleep. To your surprise, she wasn’t. 

“Hey sweet girl,” you whispered as you entered her room, “why are you still up?”

She smiled a little when she saw you. “Couldn’t sleep. I’m really worried about Dad.” 

You leaned on her doorframe, sending her a sad smile. “I am too. But he’ll be okay. Your dad’s pretty tough.”

“I know,” she sighed, “but he really liked Megan.”

“Did you?” You ask, trying to gauge her emotions. 

“I mean, I guess so. She was nice to me. Most of his girlfriends aren’t that nice to me.” 

“That’s a pretty shitty way to measure if you like someone or not.” She giggles at that. “Don’t tell your dad I said that word in front of you.”

“Ok. She was nice. And she made him happy so, yeah, I guess I liked her. Not as much as I like you but...” Casie’s voice got higher as she dragged out the last word and you just rolled your eyes with a chuckle. 

Casie had this fantasy of you and Colson getting married one day, but you always told her it would never happen. 

“Ok kiddo, whatever you say.” You teased her, “try and get some sleep, okay?” 

She nodded with a smile. “Are you gonna go talk to Dad?”

“Yeah. I’ll talk to you later, okay? If you need to come over and talk or stay the night or anything just call me, okay?”

“Okay. Love you.” She said quietly. 

“Love you too, Case.”

You shut the door to her room, moving down the hallway to Colson’s door. You took a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare for what was about to happen, and knocked. 

“I told you guys to go the fuck away.” A muffled yet angry voice said from the opposite side of the door.

“It’s me, Cols. Y/N.” You said, hoping he could hear you. 

When you got no response you asked, “Can I come in?” 

A few more seconds of silence followed, and then the lock clicked and the door opened. You stood face-to-face with your best friend. His hair was a mess, falling in his face. The bags under his eyes were darker than ever, and the frown he wore made him look even more pathetic. You felt your heart breaking. 

As you met his eyes, you gave him a sad smile. “Hey Cols.” 

Instead of responding, he wrapped his arms around you, leaning down and resting his head on your shoulder. You reached up and ran your fingers through his hair. 

He started walking backwards, pulling you with him as he continued to hug you. One of his hands pushed the door shut and he sat on his bed, finally letting go of you. 

You looked down at him, grabbing his hand and holding it in your own. It was something you had done before, you two were very touchy people and so half of your friendship was just you two cuddling or play fighting or holding hands.

“So we can do one of three things,” you started, “We can talk about it, we can cuddle and watch something stupid and pretend nothing’s wrong, or we can get high and do something stupid.”

For the first time in what you would imagine to be all night, Colson smiled. it was a very small smile, but you took it. 

He looked up at you through his eyelashes. “And by stupid you mean...”

You rolled your eyes, “I mean we can go set off bottle rockets in the backyard or try to jump off your roof and into the pool.” 

“Oh damn. I was hoping you were gonna say you would suck my dick.” 

Your eyes widened at his bluntness and the implication. You shoved his shoulder, “Colson! That’s gross!” You giggled, but his expression was unwaveringly serious. 

“I’m being serious.” He deadpanned and you furrowed your eyebrows. 

“Colson what the fuck?” Your mind was spinning trying to figure out if he was joking. 

You got your answer when he stood up, grabbing your waist and leaning over you. “I thought you’d want to...” 

You took in a breath at the sudden proximity, trying to back away from him but his grip remaining firmly on your waist. “Colson, stop. Please. This isn’t funny.” 

You could smell the alcohol on his breath and you had to keep reminding yourself of that fact. He’s drunk, and sad, and doesn’t know what he’s saying. 

“I thought you’d want to, cause it’ll make me happy. And you’ll do anything to make me happy.” One of his hands reached up and grabbed your jaw, making sure you couldn’t look away.

“Colson you’re being a fucking weirdo, let me go.” You raised your voice. Your heart was racing at this point and the thoughts flowing around your head were not pretty. 

You were always anxious for the day he’d figure you out. When he’d finally realize how you felt for him. But this was worse than anything you’d thought of. 

“You’ll do anything to make me happy because you love me, right?” 

You felt tears stinging in your eyes, wanting nothing more but to look away from his sinister expression. The way he was looking at you made it very clear that he was enjoying your discomfort, your embarrassment. 

“Colso-” 

He walked forwards, pushing you gently against the wall. His arms went to either side of you, his face inches from yours. You tried to look away, but his hand on your jaw forced you to face him.

Any other time you would have loved for Colson to pin you against his wall, but this was wrong. 

“Just say it. Say you’re in love with me, and I’ll drop it.” 

“Colson, what the fuck are you on right now?” You tried to steer the topic away from you, but he wouldn’t have it. 

“Say it.” 

You reached up to try and push his chest away from you, but he was much taller and stronger than you, so you did nothing. 

“Just tell me!” He yelled at your silence. A tear slipped down your cheek as you trembled under him. His face was red and his eyes were watering. 

 “Why are you doing this?” You whispered. This all felt like a bad dream, like a nightmare you couldn’t wake up from. 

“Because I need to know if she was right.” His voice got a little quieter, but he still wouldn’t move away from you. “I need to know if the reason the love of my fucking life just left me is true.”

You were shaking, your breaths getting shorter. “What are you talking about.” Your words were choked. The grip on your jaw started to get a little too tight.

“I defended you!” He yelled, tears falling from his face. “She told me that you were in love with me and I defended you.”

“Colson you’re hurting me.” You whined, trying to wriggle your way out of his grasp. He ignored your statement and continued talking, but his grip loosened slightly.

“And then she told me that she thinks I’m in love with you.” His voice was getting darker. “And that’s why she left. So I want to make it very clear to you.” He paused, leaning closer to your ear. “I will never love you. Ever. Not now, not in a million lifetimes. You mean nothing to me.”

Your vision was blurry from your tears, so you blindly reached out to push him away from you. His body seemed to have given up, as he moved backwards out of your way, stumbling slightly. Through your tears you could make out a smug smile on the man before you ran out of the room, slamming the door behind you.

You ran down the stairs, the guys waiting for you to give them good news, but their hope turned to concern once they saw you. You walked straight past them towards the door, not trusting yourself to say anything without breaking completely.

As you reached for the door handle you heard a faint yell from upstairs, followed by loud banging, and then silence. You sniffled, turning the handle and leaving the house, much to the protest of your friends.

[zukkoxx]

mha boys realizing they’re in love pt.1

w/ deku, bakugo

tw⚠️ insecurities!, self doubt!

deku 🥦

izuku knew he loved you since you guys started dating.

he had liked you for a long time, and when you finally got together in your last year of UA, he couldn’t have been happier.

he planned on living the rest of his life with you. and would go through any feats to make it possible.

so when you started to feel doubts about your relationship? that was a wake up call for him.

you had just finished training, all sweaty and tired, walking back to your dorm with a towel around your neck.

you scrolled through your phone mindlessly, and just happened to come across a twitter post about your boyfriend, deku, who had just taken down one of the villains that’s been on the run for months.

you smiled. you were so proud of him. already achieving his dream in becoming one of the greatest heroes. and getting the recognition he finally deserved.

you made it your your dorm, slumping on your bed as you read some of the comments.

woah this guy is still attending UA!? he’ll be a great hero for sure

there’s no one like him!

deku strikes again! what a stud😍

you laughed at some, grimaced at others that claimed the mission was too easy for him. but one particular comment had you freezing in your spot.

is he single? i won’t hesitate to run to the scene and give him my hand in marriage right now!

you knew it was a fun, lighthearted comment. but you clicked the the commenters page and instantly noticed how beautiful as preppy she was.

she was also a big deku fan...probably had more merch than you.

you sighed and threw your phone across the bed.

for the past few weeks, you had been thinking about how different you and izuku were in terms of success.

you were both in your last year of high school, and he had already done so much.

worked on so many cases with pro heroes and went through successful missions all the time. he was destined to become the greatest hero.

and you?

well, you’ve never even caught a villain.

sure you’ve helped out on low grade missions for the hero you interned under, but you had never been publicly praised like izuku. you never stood out.

you had trouble believing you’d become a hero at all.

you always wondered, wouldn’t izuku be better off with someone that could keep up with him? who wouldn’t hold him back. someone who he wouldn’t leave in the dust when he excelled in the future.

he deserved someone better.

your thoughts were cut off when your dorm door brushed open, revealing no other than the man himself.

izuku walked into your room with worried eyes and seemed out of breath.

“y/n? ive texted and called a bunch of times. why haven’t you answered?” he asked, and you subtly turned to your phone that you discarded on the other half of the bed.

“my ringer was off. sorry izu.” you tired to give him a smile as he sat next to you on your bed. “i saw an article about your mission today. you were amazing!” you complimented.

“ahh you give me too much credit. i couldn’t have dont anything with the pro heroes and other people helping.”

“still, you’re a great hero. i wish i was like that.” you chuckle dryly, past insecurities already pushing forward again.

“what!? you’re a great hero y/n!” izuku exclaimed.

“i’ve barely done anything izuku. i don’t know how you put up with me. i should be able to help you on your missions, but i’m stuck in the same position i have been in. i don’t know when i’ll improve.”

you didn’t mean to sound so pathetic, but you had been feeling this way for so long. it was all just spilling out now.

and izuku? he literally stopped breathing when he heard what you were saying about yourself. “you deserve someone that will be able to keep up with you. what will people think when they find out the amazing deku is dating a weak, incapable, good for nothing-”

“don’t say one more word y/n.” izuku cuts you off, and you look up to meet his eyes piercing yours.

they were dark, nothing like their usual gleaming glow that shined when he looked at you.

there was no sign of amusement on any of his features. just dead seriousness

“what the hell are you talking about y/n?” he asks, but doesn’t give you a chance to respond. “you’re one of the most courageous, brave, intelligent, capable people i know! where is all of this coming from?”

“i’ve been thinking about it for a while. it’s just you’re so...amazing and i’m so...” you knew anything you could have said after that would make him even more angry. it was nothing positive.

god he probably hated you for being so insecure.

“you’re you, y/n.” izuku says softly. “you’re you and you’re who i love. i don’t care about what i do, what you do, who says what! i love you for you!”

izuku looks at you with so much love and compassion. you stared into his eyes, wondering what was gong on in his head.

well? at the moment he despised himself for letting you feel this way.

you were his whole world! the person who supported you in everything he did and he would support you in the same way! he couldn’t understand why you were feeling this way when he was literally...in love with you.

he loved you yeah of course, but hearing the way you were speaking about yourself, and how you had doubts about your relationship made his heart physically hurt. he was absolutely and unconditionally in love with you and wouldn’t be able to see himself with anyone else.

and he needed you to hear it.

“y/n you’re my everything! i’m so in love with you, no amount of fame or recognition could make me even think about leaving you!” izuku said urgently, and he finally calmed down when he saw a slight smile reach your lips.

a real one this time.

the conversation continued, and izuku promised to let you learn and remember how in love he was with you until it was the last thing he’d do.

bakugo 💥

bakugo would never pursue anyone unless he definitely knew he loved them.

so of course he never asked you out when he couldn’t differentiate if what he felt for you was love, or if it was a stupid little crush.

he didn’t like thinking about his feelings, especially the irrelevant ones.

he was trying to become the number one hero. who needed time for love anyways?

so he ignored his “feelings” for you, not allowing them to confuse him any longer.

it wasn’t until a few months into his third year when bakugo got the worst news of his life.

you were on a mission. an important one that had you absent from school for weeks.

bakugo was worried.

he’d text you every few days, asking what was going on and how things were and you’d always respond with “it’s fine.” or “we’re hanging in there.”

he assumed it was a pretty difficult mission, but nothing you couldn’t handle.

you were strong

so when he heard from a certain icy-hot that you were in the hospital in critical condition after completing the mission, he forgot about everything and ran straight to you.

ignoring aizawa’s calls, he almost blasted himself out of UA and checked every hospital for you, considering he didn’t even ask todoroki which one you were in before he left.

when he finally reached the hospital holding you, he sprinted to your room.

he found you hooked up to a bunch of wires and tests.

you looked peaceful, sleeping while the heart monitor beeped beside you.

but you looked horrible. bloody bandages covered almost every limb, and your body was covered in bruises.

bakugo’s heart dropped to his stomach. he couldn’t stand seeing you like this.

why does his feelings have to be 100x more noticeable when your tragically hurt!?

he sat down on the empty chair beside the hospital bed, wondering why no one else was visiting at this time.

he stared at you, something he couldn’t get off of his mind lately.

“why do you make me feel things, dumbass?” he asked, waiting for a response. “i never skip class! you just had to get hurt and make me skip the test review.” he rolled his eyes, but his face softened as he looked at you, still sleeping.

“i’ll help you study. you’ll probably fail without going over what we learned.”

.....

“would you wake up, you shitty woman!” he yelled, gripping the side of your bed “this is scary, you know?”

.....

“i should’ve called you today, i just assumed you’d be too busy to talk. if you told me you were in trouble, i’d blast my ass to wherever you were in a heartbeat.” bakugo said, feeling his actual heart skip a beat when you still didn’t respond. 

“please wake up...”

after about an hour of waiting, your other classmates came in, checking on your condition.

you still hadn’t woken up, but your vitals were better and your breath were more steady.

by the time night fell, everyone left; except for bakugo

he was just starting to fall asleep when he felt she. he heard you stir in the hospital bed.

his head shot up, quickly turning to face you as he saw you blinking you eyes slowly.

“y/n!” he yelled a little louder than anticipated, making you shoot awake and look at him.

you blinked a few more times before realizing who you were looking at. “katsuki!?” you asked, trying to sit up, but feeling a sharp pain in your side.

“hey! don’t move dumbass. are you okay? do you remember anything?” he frantically asked.

“umm...i’m fine?” you said, sounding like you were trying to convince yourself. “why are you here?”

“why am i here? you were admitted into the hospital in critical condition!”

“i-i’m sorry, everything’s a bit fuzzy right now.” you say softly, putting a hand on your forehead and tryin got remember everything.

bakugo softened, and waited until you got yourself together. “how long have you been here?” you ask

“since this morning.”

“this morning!? katsuki what about school? do your parents even know you’re here?”

“why the hell are you worried about me? you’re the one hooked up to all these machines and can barely move!” bakugo yelled, trying to understand why you were so focused on him being there with you.

“i just never thought you’d be the one to go out of your way to check on someone. let alone be here the whole day...” you whispered, suddenly feeling shy at the idea of bakugo keeping your sleeping body company for hours.

bakugo froze at your words.

he really wasn’t the type to go check on people for more than a few minutes. especially not one to skip school because of it.

maybe he did this because he felt a little more than what he thought he did.

maybe this wasn’t a stupid little crush? maybe it was something serious that he had just been blowing off.

when he heard about your condition, he just couldn’t stand by. there must have been something that pushed him to run to you.

“it’s cause u care about you...idiot. i wasn’t gonna a let you suffer here alone.” he huffs, crossing his arms.

“katsukiii do you like me or something?” you asked in a teasing tone

he couldn’t believe you were making jokes at a time like this. furthermore, he couldn’t believe how easy it was for you to see through his facade.

“i do.” he states. there was no point in lying.

“i was just kidding kats-“

“i’m not.” he cuts you off. “i care about you, and i like you. a lot. so...you better like be bad damn it. or i’ll blow you to bits!”

you chuckled and smiled tenderly at him. you definitely weren’t expecting him to say that, but you weren’t complaining.

“i like you too...i guess.” you smile, and katsuki tsked before smirking at you.

he finally felt like he could breath again, and that everything was going to be fine now.

except...katsuki didn’t like you. he loved you. but no way would he tell you that

this absolutely sucks i can’t believe i’m posting this. if you can, plz give me some requests so i don’t make trash hcs like this again. they’ll be a pt.2 later. hopefully it isn’t as bad as this one.

click here to send a request. i’d really appreciate it!

[kachinnate]

,,,,okay i know i just said i wasn’t going to talk about the deh movie but actually yeah imma talk about it for just a sec bc y’all actually make me legitimately distressed sajkfndsmjkgds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQ_A0H1otc i dont have the braincells to do a shot by shot analysis right now but here’s what we’re lookin at

under a readmore because ghhhhhhh

firstly, let me lead with this: yes, from what we know, there’s a lot of things wrong with this movie. 

the worst, in my humble opinion, being the bts treatment of the (very few) actors of color, and the lack altogether of any production team members of color. that’s something that should be acknowledged, talked about, and fucking dug into especially at the current fucking period of time we’re living in. it’s unsurprising, but disgusting nonetheless, and it set this movie up for failure from the very beginning. i’m a white person so by no means so i feel inclined or like i have any authority in saying what one should feel wrt all of that, however i will say if there’s to be a boycott in not watching this movie, that should 100% be the reason why. it’s fully poc’s choice whether or not to forgive the production team or give this movie a chance for the irredeemable shit it did in regards to handling the movie’s production. the movie imo definitely doesn’t deserve their forgiveness, but again, that is not for me to say. 

there’s some little things too that i can’t fully think of off the top of my head - like, the whole making larry connor’s stepdad thing fucking irks me, for example, but, like...... listen.

if you know me like at all, you know my favorite word is nuance.

so, i’m going to say it outright: the way you people are approaching this three minute trailer shows literally.... none?? no nuance ??? is it no-nuance november over here or ???? like i’m begging you i’m BEGGING YOU to put aside your pre-determined prejudices against this movie and like stop pretending to be a renowned film critic for ten seconds because it’s really not as outright fucking abysmal as you are saying!! and also it’s possible to have opinions that aren’t completely fucking polarized to one side because guess what, the deh movie? a piece of media! what is the shit y’all are constantly preaching about having the ability to consume media critically ? because you’re trying to cancel a fucking trailer based on the contents of the trailer alone !!!!! hello !!!!!!!!

media is bound to be problematic. if y’all were as quick to judge any movie as you did this one, guess what you wouldn’t be watching any movies like ever <3 

anyway lets get into the parts that are probably going to get me cancelled lmao 

ben platt - listen. LISTEN. listen i know he’s too old to be reprising evan we ALL know he’s too old to be reprising evan i’ve heard this same argument since the announcement was made we get it we all know. haha he’s a grandpa yes bestie ur so right ur so funny wow. i do agree that we should’ve maybe had a not-ben-platt evan moment but here’s some things to keep in mind: the arguments of “oooh ABF is right there !!!!!!” 1. who’s to say he was available? 2. the environment of a movie is so, SO much different than that of a musical -- as much as you wanna pretend you know everything from just a trailer, there’s no way of knowing what scenes were added that might’ve made the movie like.. idk possibly more intense story-wise not even COUNTING the fact that just inherently a movie set is different than a musical one? like yes ben platt might be just being used as a device but that’s probably not the sole and only reason. Also, if i see One (1) more comment about his FUCKING HAIR 😃 first of all it’s not that deep like... if you’re so distracted by an actor having their hair different that’s on you, but going as far as to call it bad or distracting or being like Vehemently a way about it? y’all i know it’s most likely not your intention but that is literally just ben platt’s natural fuckin ETHNICALLY JEWISH hair sajknfgkjds!!!! i’m not the first to make this point, but like dsjnfkjdsg!??! y’all are being so mean about it and for WHAT? again, maybe not intentional, but it reads as like high key Very antisemetic and you should.... maybe not 😳 be that way

connor. the thing about a trailer is that they don’t show you all the scenes because they want you to come see the movie. right? can we agree on that? all the connor scenes in the trailer had SEVERAL hard cuts, omitting a lot of the scene -- like the computer lab scene! we see the beginning of it, there’s a VERY obvious hard cut, and then he’s running out! in my opinion my first watch through of this trailer i had a very like “:// hmm all these actors feel a lil like dry”, but man oh man the comments ive seen about connor. holy shit guys. this boy gets 7 minutes of stage time in the actual musical, and the whole thing is we DON’T KNOW VERY MUCH ABOUT HIM. not to burst your bubble, and i by no means hate connor, i love me some good connor lives fics and stuff, but everything we write with connor being alive? that is !! speculation on our part !!!! those are headcanons and us using the little context we have!! connor doesn’t have any significant development IN THE SOURCE MATERIAL that is being adapted into a movie !!! you 1. can’t fully judge a character with already limited screentime in a 3 minute trailer, 2. can’t really call what connor has canonically in the musical as in depth character development !! what is his arc then !!!! he pushes evan, goes to the computer lab, has an outcast loner kid moment, gets upset, takes the letter, DIES. sorry stans, that’s just how it is !! and, AND, everything in between, all the idiosyncracies, that depends on the actor playing connor! speaking of, you know who the actor is playing connor in the movie? that’s right, colton ryan! so, i don’t know, maybe... have some trust in the process, in an actor who ALREADY has played connor on broadway???? and also trust that you will get more connor content then u are seeing from a 3 minute trailer!! dhgnijsdg and some of the comments on like his appearance specifically? like are you really made that he doesn’t have long hair?? they kept his nails and his rings but nahhh the hair was apparently a MUST HAVE (even though like.. not all connor actors on broadway always had/have long hair but w/e).. REGARDLESS. tldr on THAT , the movie would have to do a pretty shitty job if they want to take something from someone who doesn’t have much to begin with and i think y’all are being extremely harsh on this point 

jared. honestly i’m a bit worried too about the like... name change, because it does have the potential to be taking out some representation, but... they did change the name to fit the actor’s ethnicity? it’s a really [hmm] topic because, again, from a trailer and from what we have been told we don’t KNOW a lot of the context, but i think it’s important to remember that uh.. jewish people aren’t just? always white ?? there’s a possibility they changed the last name to fit with the [ethnicity] while keeping him jewish?? ofc there’s the possibility that they Didn’t and ... again hm that’s its own thing altogether but just reiterates the point that you can’t knock a whole movie just based on the trailer. you can’t talk about things you know nothing about. 

alana. same thing as before, you can’t.... completely bash a character based on a 3 minute trailer. there was discussion about how she seemed ‘shy’ when talking to evan, which like.. maybe she is but also that scene was them talking in a library like if u actually take notice of what’s happening in the scene jdskngsd though i do share the general consensus with many others that she won’t get a lot of screen-time but that’s neither here nor there 😔 moving on

scenes and the setting. one of the things i was most like.. tentative about in regards to a switch from a musical to a movie was how they were like... going to do certain scenes? naturally, a lot has to be different when we’re going from a minimal stage set to an entire movie with like.. settings. there are going to be new scenes because a movie lends to have like, physical places that aren’t just [evan’s bedroom] and [murphy kitchen] and [implied school]. so new scenes, new conversations, slightly different pacing.. this is all to be expected right like are y’all geneuinely surprised here or ........

there’s a lot we aren’t seeing yet because this is a TRAILER. again i already mentioned this re: connor but like... again, y’all are making some Claims that just... fucking outlandish. there are so many moments in the trailer that are very obvious Hard Cuts. you don’t have all the information yet. you are angry at a tiny fragment of something that is confusing you because you don’t have all the context. is there a chance that some of this shit is just genuinely Bad? yeah but you really cannot 100000% say it with your chest and gauge it without seeing the movie and understanding what that scene is in context. lowkey uhhh saw some jokes about the zoe scene in the car and :’))) ? jesus? christ????

concluding thoughts because my brain hurts but like. you don’t have to like the movie. you don’t have to WATCH the movie. like all media if you choose to consume the movie you should do so with some CRITICAL THOUGHT. but, just like the novel (and i do not want to have any discussions about that i don’t care if you think it’s good Or bad that’s not what this is about) you guys are going in this WANTING to believe it’s bad and completely polarizing your thoughts on what this is going to be. yeah, maybe there shouldn’t be a movie. i genuinely think we could’ve gone without. but it’s just a piece of media, it’s not a progression like all your (musical is good, novel is bad, MOVIE IS WORSE OH NO) posts are suggesting. they are all just. different pieces of media stemming from a source. at the end of the day it’s just a fucking movie. if you already hate it so much, guess what? you don’t have to watch it! you don’t have to put so much needless fucking hate into a 3 MINUTE TRAILER. you can stop being performative and dissing it for its poor treatment of POC while then going on to make fun of ben platt’s hair and just targeting a different group like! please !!!

i’m not trying to be a fuckin’ advocate for this movie because there’s so much opportunity for it to suck, i do Not have high hopes for it, and i’m not even really sure i want to watch it (i bought the novel when it came out and have yet to read it, and i’m sure the movie will like.. elicit very similar vibes from me lsdngjkdsg like im just not uhhh feeling it) but y’know what? watching the trailer did not bring forth the fucking onslaught of hatred in me that apparently has fuckin posessed all of y’all and like djnsgjksdg plagued my dashboard for this whole evening. don’t come into my inbox trying to like.. argue with me about this (preemptively im turning off anon because i like i Can’t lmao) this is just like... a rant i needed to get out of me real quick. 

SO. tldr for now: have critical thought about shit you consume, there’s no ethical consumption under [the film industry], you can’t judge a movie entirely on its trailer, and y’all need to calm the fuck down 

[busanlove9597]

im the same long anon , yeah, being an asian n queer equals hell . ive already said it in tumblr before. here in our country, all most all of bisexuals wont even comeout coz if they can be in a 'normal' relationship assigned by society why should they take risk. we have very few gay people who are actually out of closet. sometimes i think our country is more queerphobic than korea. here being queer = joke, sexual immorality , disorder. at the same time we have more transgender people who are living as prostitues or leading life like in hell. sad but a very clear reality here. coming to km,for me,JK is the very clockable unless u r stereotyping him. i think jk didnt knew at first coz i dont think he took his crushes in 14/15 yrs too serious to be sign of homosexuality. most of the things we do at first comes unconsciously like checking out same sex people etc or having those crushes untill we gradually understands ourself better,most of us even date opposite sex people n reaches a stage like jk was in , where u dont think there is any diff b/w dating or not , not feeling love in a relation , too bored to spend time with that person that u r happily saying u didnt met the person u are dating even its been 200 days ,dont understand the hype for opposite sex(grapes are better than girls lmao),everything we can find in 2013-14 jk. otherwise he knew he likes men , dont want to accept for himself, teasing or pushing away "a person" coz that said person is making u feel someway which u dont want to accept or happen,which all maybe due to internalized homophobia. but in anyway major progressions can be seen in jk in 2015-17, not as km but jk as a person. for jm , i really dont know , he's my bias , major part of me thinks he accepted himself but didnt want others to know ??? i couldnt think of many stances where i think jm was struggling to accept his sexuality. i think he was struggling more with his presentation , to be strong man fearing wt 'others' will think about him . anyway im more than happy for them if they r a couple coz considering their profession n country they live in they could find each other , came out many fears n living their trueself . ys in reality their lives wont be fairytale we like to imagine(to those who think they r 24/7 happy with each other) they both had gone threw hell before reaching here . still they are both working towards their " happily ever after " individually , as a couple or professionally . i just wish them all luck n happiness n strength for their future. OMG unpopular opinion became me making wishes. anyway thankyou

welcome back :) 

before i get into the main part of your ask let me just say that it hurts me to hear that this is the reality for so many ppl in our community, including you. it’s kinda absurd how divided our society is when it comes to basic human rights. and while this is so so cruel it’s important to highlight that being (openly) queer isn’t safe for everybody. i hope it will be one day, though, we still have a long way to go towards acceptance. with that being said, stay safe and take care of yourself ❣ 

btw this blog is a safe space for everyone (unless you’re a shitty person, that’s where i draw the line lol). 

anyway, you actually summarized my thoughts better than i could ever communicate so bless you. i think most queer ppl will agree that figuring out and coming to terms with your sexuality or gender identity doesn’t happen overnight and it was super fascinating to experience jk’s journey throughout the years. did anyone else see a bit of themselves in him? :D 

i actually agree with everything you’ve said about jk and jm so there’s nothing else to add. thanks again for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. you’re ofc welcome to come back any time! 

[agaybird]

big tw: transphobia, terfs, violence, and assault.

tumblr wont let me reply, so let me make one (or many) things clear:

all of you who left replies such as this on my post are so fucking ignorant. so i wanna bring up a couple of things.

1. you are watering down the meaning of rape.

you say this is "rape by deception" but if you can't tell the difference in the genitals, what is the difference? you surely can't tell the difference if you say you are being "deceived". you not sleeping with them at that point simply means you're transphobic for no reason.

this isn't at all comparable to men taking off their condoms (aka "stealthing") before finishing. see, that is a form of sexual assault. it also isn't equivalent to someone having an STD and not telling their potential partners: being trans isn't contagious nor inherently dangerous, despite the talk of trans panic that you all clearly believe.

if the people are, say, just hooking up, neither are drunk, and there is consent from both parties... then how is it rape? the answer: it isn't. they literally both consented. also see above paragraph.

2. you are attempting to label all trans people as predators for not outing themselves immediately.

most, if not all, of the trans people in these situations are stealth. this means that they can't out themselves for their own safety. it also means they pass as cis. trans people outing themselves has consistently lead to hate crimes including injury and death; especially the trans women you keep citing as predators.

even if trans people aren't stealth, outing themselves to strangers is incredibly dangerous. trans people still deserve good things (including but not limited to sex) despite and including the fact that they are trans. Yes, sex should be fully consensual. And yes, nobody needs sex. however, if you think that trans people should just stay indoors or else risk hate being literally hate crimed while hooking up, you're crazy. you will always encounter people you don't like when hooking up. but you don't ask the included parties their political beliefs beforehand, do you?

in relationships i do believe that trans people should at least know their beliefs on trans people, not for the cis person's comfort, but for the trans person's safety.

may i also remind you all that there are trans minors, including teens and children. labelling them predators is really fucked up actually.

in fact, trans people are far more assaulted by cis people, whether that be by "corrective rape" or otherwise. this blog post states, "...TERFs trying to ban trans women from women’s bathrooms are essentially demanding that they compromise their own safety by forcing them to use men’s bathrooms, which puts them at risk of assault by transphobic men who don’t like the idea of “men wearing dresses.” This sort of violence isn’t imaginary. These assaults really do happen. (And it’s not just cis men who are the attackers; several days ago two cis women were charged with sexually assaulting a trans woman in the bathroom of a /North Carolina bar.)"

3. trans people can be bad people, but that doesn't mean all trans people are bad.

anyone can be a bad person. anyone. but you don't fault all women when one happens to become a predator or rapist: you fault that one woman. it's also not equivalent to being afraid of men, because in that case, every 1 in 4 men has either attempted or completed rape between the ages of 11 and 17 years old just in the united states, which is a significant amount: significant enough to be cautious of most men. especially considering that almost every woman i know has been assaulted by a man in some way. in comparison, almost no trans people have been reported to attack people (specifically in restrooms) in the united states. trans people, in fact, are four times more likely to be victims of violent crime, such as rape, than cis people.

the "trans people" you all love to source are, spoiler alert: not actually trans! pretending to be a gender you aren't to manipulate someone and being trans are completely different..... being trans has to do with your personal identity, and you transition for yourself. pretending to be a gender you aren't is just that: pretending. it is done to manipulate people. someone cited this article and this article about the same person. as far as i can tell, the only thing this person did was have sex with the woman with a strapon? she was under the impression it was his real penis, but it wasn't. apparently he also shamed her for not getting pregnant. and yeah, that's shitty, but it isn't rape. there was absolutely no harm done to her as far as i read in the articles, and there was both no risk of the woman getting pregnant or getting an STD. she also apparently couldn't tell the difference between a penis and a strapon... yikes. how is this rape? again, it's definitely shitty, but saying it's sexual assault is completely stretching it. this dude was a shitty person, but you all seem to cite the same shitty people in regards to your "justified" transphobia.

i trust other trans people far more than i trust cis people. you know why? i never felt in danger in the presence of a trans person because they are trans, but i have felt unsafe in the presence of cis people because they're cis. i and my loved ones have been put in danger many times because someone perceived me as trans, or i was outed. without having expressed any of my opinions. my existence is inherently political, and that makes me a target.

there is a lot more to discuss, but this is what im putting out there right now.

you seem to forget that we're actually human beings. you dehumanize us and spread lies to be "gender critical" or a "feminist", but you refuse to acknowledge all those who are caught in the crossfire, and those actual human beings you're hurting and killing. fuck yall.

im not even going to mention the amount of cis people ive been assaulted or near-assaulted by compared to trans people, because it's practically 1000:1. that's hardly an exaggeration. get your heads right.

tip jar

my trans-run shop

[clumsyclifford]

the lovely @ashtcnirwin created this sexy tag game which i was subsequently tagged in by @redrattlers and (by virtue of being in the club lol) @escapesos so thank you friends

i’m gonna tag my friends up here and then put a cut before my answers because (quelle surprise) i got a bit long winded. so i will tag!! @haikucal @calumcest @calumsclifford @tirednotflirting @ashesonthefloor and @5sos-fan-boy go crazy

and here is a cut for courtesy

1. what was your first encounter with fanfiction? one direction fanfiction! on wattpad! probably in about 2012. it was the like, 1d x OC stuff. i read some Not Fun Stuff. it was very disturbing. even in retrospect, disturbing. and now here we are

2. your favourite creation of your own of all time if you create stuff (feel free to link it)? i really don’t think i can fairly answer this because i have written So Many Things. even if i’m just keeping it within 5sos it’s still A Lot!! i know i talk about it a lot but i’m stupid proud of neon weekend for a lot of reasons. also hello, hello - i talked about this somewhere else but i don’t, like. i don’t really write chaptered...things. i’m not good at it!! and the fact that i successfully did it with hello hello and also that it was GOOD and that people liked it?? that’s all i need, honestly. that’s all i’m saying for now i’ve already gone on too long

3. what vibe are you going for with your home decor (or what vibe do you wanna go for one day, if you don’t have your own place atm)? uh.....welcoming and practical. i have no idea. i do not have my own place and i really doubt i’ll have one any time soon since i’m, you know, a college student, but yeah ultimately i’d like it to be, oh, clean? that’s not a decor thing but it is very important to me. vibe-wise i really don’t think i can explain it any better? i want it to be welcoming. guests to feel welcome. that’s all!

4. first fandom you ever joined? what was it like? on what platform did it happen? yeah it was one direction it was on wattpad i read a bunch of (bad) fanfiction and i also wrote some (also extremely bad) and then for awhile i stopped being part of that and........yeah lol

5. what are your sun, moon and rising signs, and do you think they make sense in relation to how you know yourself? well i am leo sun, pisces moon, cancer rising. according to meghna’s google search pisces moons are intuitive and creative in abstract ways like music, and cancer risings are family oriented and are likely to keep their guards up and have plans before going into unknown situations, and both of those things very much sound like me, so! and of course leos are like, self-obsessed, which i am, and enjoy attention, which i do, and passionate, which i AM. so there you go!

6. if you write and/or read fiction (original or fanfiction), do the tropes/plots/character types you typically seek out to read and/or write about reflect something about you as a being or how you see the world? man i can’t be thinking about this stuff right now i have no idea !!! in a way, yes. i don’t read things that....that i think i won’t enjoy reading? and i don’t write things i wouldn’t want to read. so in that sense, yes. final answer yes. i don’t know. my brain hurts.

7. what is the hardest obstacle you’ve had to overcome so far in life? uh.......fuck. ive been through some shit but i’ve had a relatively easy life, so this is a hard question for me. but i guess that like, my first two years of high school were REALLY bad like mental health-wise because i had just been severed from all of my best and closest friends and friendships and was starting high school with no friends at all nor basically any connections, which. if you have ever started high school you know that’s !! a shitty way to do it !! but anyway. i got through that, which is nice. but i’ve gone back and read some of my journal entries from that time in my life and i remember like, being in that time, i would think to myself how i wasn’t depressed and how i was fine and this that and the other thing, but looking back on it..........you know. i definitely was Not Fine. got long-winded here oops lol

8. what is your all time favourite song(s)? you can’t ask me this dude

getaway green // a daydream away // vegas - all time low

check yes, juliet - we the kings

why georgia - john mayer

naive - andy grammer

9. what do you look for in a person you wanna keep in your life, be it a friend or a romantic partner or anything in between? there are some things, like...it’s important to me that we understand each other. and i get along best with people who are not extremely dramatic, that is, reasonable people, and that are good at both listening and communicating. and then also, i mean, this is the obvious, but. this is a useless answer but someone that i can be myself with!! and by that i mean ALL of myself. there’s a lot of me. and i think a lot of the time i’m being some of myself but not all of it, because, you know. i’m a lot! but the people i wanna keep are the people who make me feel absolutely confident that no matter what kind of crazy i am, they will love me the same. like, not just tolerate, but love. so. yeah.

10. this is a bit of a difficult one, but have you ever had a moment of clarity, a conversation with someone that made you go “oh!”, or anything along those lines? one time my mom told me i had a fear of failure, and that made me realize that i have a fear of failure, lmao does that count? jgkdflgjf sorry for real though i feel like i have moments of clarity constantly, because i’m always always always seeking to improve myself and be, like, better and more than i am. i have big realizations regularly. i TRY to. i don’t want to believe that i know anything definitively. i am often wrong! i don’t know if that’s a real answer to the question but it really is how i feel.

[fragmentedink-archived]

Hell to Pay: Chapter Twenty-One

I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI, IX, IX, XX

cowritten by @lux-scriptum

Nik had told Cameron that he was taking Lev somewhere if only because he was half sure Cameron would lock him out of the house too. Cameron hadn’t said a single word and Nik left him to do whatever the hell that was alone while he got Lev and Eden in the car before they freezed their asses off.

He grabbed the first diaper bag he saw, but didn’t bother looking to see what was in it before shuffling them out to the car as fast as he could since both Eden and Lev were shoeless- and pantsless (at least Eden was). Nik cracked the windows in the car and started it up. “Well. That was clearly unsurprising. Though I didn’t think he’d do that,” he said, starting up the car and pulling out of the drive.

Lev instantly burst into tears. “I fucked up.”

“Well. Yes,” Nik said. “But who cares. Cam is just a prick. He didn’t need to kick you out of the house because his beloved cookware got slobbered on by an infant.”

“I didn’t need to be a brat about it, though.”

Well no shit, Nik thought irritably. “I told you to not talk to Cameron like that,” Nik replied.

Lev sniffled, “I wasn’t thinking.”

Nik gnawed on his bracelets. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think Cam was thinking either. He was just… reacting.”

“Where are you taking me?”

“Where do you want me to take you?”

“I wanna go to Gramma’s but…”

“...But Cameron would show up and make sure you never lay eyes on Eden again?” Nik asked. “Yeah, no. I’m not taking Eden to her house. No matter how much she likes me, Cam would break both our legs if we let Eden be in her house without him.”

“I don’t know, then,” he said, quietly. “I don’t want to go back to my house.”

“Wasn’t planning on taking you back to that house,” Nik siad. “I can’t breathe in there. I’ll just take you to Nate. That way Cam won’t… instantly kill one of us.”

“Will Nate be okay with that?” Lev paused. “WIll Bay be okay with that?”

Nik chewed on his bracelets thoughtfully. “Nate? Most likely. Bay?” Nik said, thinking about the last time he saw Bay. “....probably not. But he’s not going to kick you out. His whole mother complex stops him from kicking someone defenseless to the curb. Cam thinks its as annoying as it is impractical.”

Lev watched him for a bit. “Does he say things like that to you a lot?”

“Things like what?”

Lev kept watching Nik for longer than Nik felt was needed. “For the spoon.”

“Actually,” Nik said. “No. Cam… is very controlled, about ninety-seven percent of the time. I don’t know where the fuck that came from.”

“Okay,” Lev said, quietly.

Nik rapped his fingers on the steering wheel, flicking a look back to Eden still chewing blissfully on her bear. “How the fuck is that child not screaming her head off? Is chaos just that amusing to her?”

“Don’t say that, then she will start screaming.”

“Hmph.”

Eden screeched at them from around the stuffed animal, as if she knew that they were talking about her. If Nik didn’t know better, he’d think she was promising them she would start screaming the moment she was inconvienced. “Great,” Nik muttered to himself.

Lev was slowly working himself into a panic. Nik mostly ignored it since he didn’t know how to help the poor bastard. This whole day had turned to shit in the span of ten minutes and Nik didn’t have the patience to be able to handle it like a mature adult. So he’d just shove it all under the rug and call it a day.

Lev spent the next thirty minutes crying quietly before they rolled into the drive at Bay’s house. “Well,” he said, putting the car in park and getting Eden. “Better bite the bullet.”

Lev was slower at getting out, getting the diaper bag while Nik trudged across the drive to the door. He had knocked twice when Lev appeared beside him, just in time for the door to swing open. Silas nearly jumped Lev before Nik had the chance to process who the hell answered the door. “Hey buddy, I missed you,” he said, pulling Lev into a bear hug.

Nik arched a brow. “I’m sure you did,” he said, dryly.

Lev hugged Silas back. “Missed you too; Sorry I didn’t call. My phone broke.” Lev pulled back, though. “I have a baby.”

As if Eden knew she was being talked about, she babbled at them around the bear in her mouth, making reachy hands at them. Lev pulled back entirely and came to take her from Nik’s arms. Before either Nik or Lev could say anything, Silas frowned down at Lev’s feet. “...why are you both barefoot? Is everything okay?”

“No,” Nik said, “We decided to take an evening stroll without our shoes because we wanted to feel the crisp January cold in our toes. And we decided Eden should not have any pants on because that’s what good parents do- get her acclimated to frigid temperatures, right Lev?”

Silas gave him an exasperated look. “...I’ll go get your brother.”

Nik gave him a tight smile. “Good idea.” When Silas turned around to go get Nate, Lev lightly elbowed Nik. “What?”

Lev just gave him a small, tired, “Be nice.”

“I am being nice,” he said. Before Nik could continue, however, Nate came around the corner, any trace of a smile was wiped off his face the moment he laid eyes on them.

“Are either of you hurt?” he asked, looking Lev and Nik both over, before instantly taking the baby from Lev to check her over himself. Eden just gleefully yanked at Nate’s long, loose black hair, screeching and shoving it in her mouth. Nate didn’t seem fazed in the least while he looked at them. “Where’s he?”

“He sent me away,” Lev said, faintly ashamed. “I pissed him off.”

Nate’s face tightened, but he didn’t say anything other than, “Come on in, I’ll get you something warm to drink.” Nate started for the kitchen, with them both on his heel. “Whatever happened, I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.”

“Look, I don’t think it was really any of our faults, it was just… it’s been a shitty few days.”

“Still don’t see how that gives Cameron the right to kick Lev out of his own house,” Nate said, shifting Eden over to his other side while he got stuff out of the fridge.

“Not my house,” Lev said, quietly.

Nate looked at him from over the fridge. “You were living there, were you not?”

“I’ve lived with boyfriends before; that didn’t make their house my house.” Lev looked… so tired.

Nate’s face softened and hardened at the same time. “I do not think Remiel is someone to be considered in that listing. Vehuel either,” Nate said. “Do you want marshmallows in your cocoa?” he asked, moving the milk to the counter top.

“They weren’t my only boyfriends,” Lev said. “And no thank you, please.”

Nate’s mouth thinned and he chewed his lip ring while measuring out the cocoa. “I wouldn’t consider abusers boyfriends,” Nate said, finally, giving the cocoa to Lev. “Drink.”

“Silas wasn’t abusive; Fax wasn’t either,” Lev said, taking a drink. Nate watched him until he was satisfied with how much Lev was drinking before starting on some for Nik.

Nate didn’t say anything until he had the cocoa in Nik’s hands. He looked down expectantly at Nik. “Drink,” he said. “I know how you like it.” Nik wrinkled his nose and looked down at the steaming hot chocolate in Nik’s hands, but when he started protesting, Nate firmly said, “Nikolas.”

Nik grumbled and did as told. Nate kept watching him until Nik had half of it downed. “Happy?”

Nate’s smile didn’t reach his dark eyes. “Absolutely ecstatic.”

“Is it okay if I say for a couple of days?” Lev asked.

Nate’s groomed brows furrowed. “Isn’t that why you’re here? Of course you can. You have a baby with you and Cameron is a prick. Where else would you go with a demon baby?”

Lev looked stressed. “It’s not polite to assume, and if worse comes to worse, I can always stay in my old house.”

“Uh, no,” Nik had said, when Nate said, “Why would I let you stay in the house you were almost murdered in?”

“Remi wasn’t going to let me die,” Lev said.

Nate looked pained. “Of course not.” He paused before, “You may stay here as long as you need. Though I’d suggest, uh, trying to not irritate my mate that much?”

“Like that’s not hard to do,” Nik muttered and winced when Nate shot him a dark look.

“Oh,” Lev said, half terrified. “Bay.”

“He’s not that bad,” Nate said, earnestly. “He’s just hormonal. And he doesn’t hate you. He’s just grumpy.”

Lev’s eyes were huge. “He was scary before the hormones.”

Nate sighed softly before giving him a pitying smile. “He’s harmless to people that don’t pose a threat. And you… do not. You will be fine.” Lev didn’t look convinced, but didn’t argue with him. Nate said, “Come on, I think he’s in the nursery.”

Eden wiggled happily in Nate’s arm, still tearing at Nate’s scalp with her tiny claws. Nate didn’t seem to notice, or really care, but Nik assumed it was because Nate was used to his hair being pulled by little monsters.

Lev was nearly directly on Nate’s heel as they followed him back to the nursery. Bay was sitting in the same spot on the couch as he had been last time, faint gold bruising under his eyes as he looked at them, his face perfectly cool in it’s neutrality as his eyes went from Nik to Lev to Nate to the baby still in Nate’s arms. “Where’s my brother,” he said, eventually, eyes going back to rest on Lev.

In the quietest, half terrified voice, Lev said, “Still at home?”

Bay arched a brow. “Are you telling me or asking me.”

“Telling?” Lev said, tearing up.

Bay gave a resigned sigh. Nik wasn’t sure why Lev was afraid of an eight month pregnant omega that looked moments away from dropping dead from exhaustion and irritability. At this point Bay was more stomach than man and Nik pitied the poor bastard. Better him than Nik, though.

“Why are you here?” Bay asked.

“Cam kicked him out.”

Not a flicker of surprise showed on Bay’s face as he thought over Nik’s words. “So I’m guessing you came here for a place to stay?” Bay asked Lev. “Not many places you can take a full blooded demon baby without being in some kind of danger, I imagine.”

Eden wiggled happily in Nate’s arms when Bay flicked her a tired look. “She can stay in the nursery. It’s already stocked and it’s somewhere familiar, at least.”

“She can stay in the bed with me,” Lev said, “if it’s okay I stay. I don’t want to be any more of a bother than I already am.”

Bay’s mouth twitched into a frown. “You can stay. But she’s staying in the nursery. She’s already been in here, she knows the room and the scents. Sleep on the couch, if you want. But this is where she is staying.”

The finality in Bay’s words had Lev saying “Okay,” in a small voice.

“Okay,” Bay said, lifting a look back to Eden. Nate instantly handed her over before Bay had even said a word. Bay held her carefully on his stomach, watching Eden continuing to chew on her bear. “Get her something that is actually meant to be chewed on,” Bay said to Silas. “There should be a teething ring or something in the drawer at the changing table.”

Eden made grabby hands at Bay, trying to reach for his glasses, while Silas instantly went to do as told. He came back with a pale green and blue teething ring that Bay swapped out for the mutilated bear in Eden’s mouth. “Much better,” Bay told her. “That way you’re not eating all that fake fur. Probably isn’t good for your tummy.”

Bay looked pleased when Eden squealed at him around the new toy in her mouth. Lev’s puppy eyes told Nik that he wanted the wiggling baby demon, but he didn’t say anything. Nik was half sure Bay wouldn’t even hand her over had Lev asked to begin with.

Nik pulled Lev in tighter when he leaned against Nik and kissed his shoulder. “You’ll be fine here for a few days,” Nik promised. “I’m sure Silas will be over the moon to have you under his roof.”

“Yeah I will,” Silas muttered.

Nik gave him a small smile. “That torch burning your hand yet?”

Lev lightly bit Nik’s shoulder. “Don’t be cruel.”

Nik wasn’t fazed, but Bay looked vaguely disgusted. “Take your love triangle elsewhere,” he said. “I’m not in the mood.” Nate snorted lightly and bit down on Bay’s shoulder while wiggling Eden’s toes. Eden looked pleased with the amount of attention she was getting. “Has she taken a nap, yet?” Bay asked, Lev.

“Yes,” Lev said. “She’s probably going to be hungry soon. It’s getting close to dinner time.”

Bay nodded, thinking about Lev’s words while he looked back at Eden. “I’m sure we have something that you’ll like,” Bay said, to the wiggling baby on his stomach. “Definitely better than a stuffed bear.” He looked at Nate. “Take Nik and Silas with you to the kitchen to feed Eden. I want to talk to Lev. Alone.”

Nate kissed Bay’s cheek and got up from the couch, picking Eden up. “Come on, Baby. Let’s let the grownups talk. Nikolas, that instantly excludes you,” Nate said, hooking a finger in the belt loop at Nik’s hips.

Nik looked at Lev while Nate dragged him out of the room. “Blink twice if you need help.” Lev instantly did it and Nik choked on a laugh. “I mean-”

“Nik, get out,” Bay said, gruffly. “And stop acting so skittish, Lev. I can’t even move.”

-------

Lev eyed Bay warily. When Bay didn’t say anything, Lev finally asked, “What did you want to talk about?”

“How about why you didn’t bother keeping up with your training,” Bay said, annoyed.

Lev flinched. “I-” He trailed off before he could really say anything, and dropped his gaze to the floor.

“You what?” Bay asked flatly. “You have a baby to take care of. How do you expect to defend her if you can’t even defend yourself?”

Bay wasn’t wrong, and Lev knew it. “I wasn’t here anymore. And I didn’t have Eden then, and it’s not like I matter much to angels in general.”

“You matter to me,” Bay said sharply. “And you matter to Silas. And you matter to Nate, and you matter to Nik. Do not insult us with your self-negative bullshit.”

Lev shrank back. “I don’t-” He flicked a look at Bay and then back down to the floor, hunching his shoulders. “What do you want me to do?”

“Grow a spine,” Bay said. “And start training.”

Lev finally looked at him, tiredness dragging at him. “When? With who?” Just so he couldn’t fuck this up, too.

“Twice a day until you’ve caught up with what you missed,” Bay replied without hesitation. “With Nate.”

“Okay,” Lev said. He waited a moment, just to see if Bay had anything else to say

“Are you okay?” Bay finally asked, sounding as tired as Lev felt.

Lev blinked. “I- I’m fine? Cameron wouldn’t hurt me. He’s just- just pissed.”

“What happened?”

Lev fiddled with the hem of Nik’s shirt. “I pretty much told Cameron to fuck off,” he finally admitted. “Not in so many words, but- he was being an asshole because I made him take a nap. And I let Eden chew on one of his spoons.”

If Lev didn’t know any better, he’d think Bay looked pleased and- and mildly impressed? “Are you sure it was because you made him take a nap?”

This time Lev just shrugged. “No,” he admitted. “I think it was part of it , but- I don’t really- I don’t understand Cameron sometimes. I’ve- I’ve never been- I’ve never been good with understanding people. Really. So.”

Bay thought on that for a minute. “It’s not easy being in a relationship with someone like us,” he finally said.

Lev blinked slowly. “He makes me feel safe,” Lev finally said. “I don’t- I don’t understand why he wanted me to stick around, but- I’m- I’m grateful that he did. I don’t want to screw that up. He- he and Nik- they feel like home now.”

Bay looked uncomfortable this time. “Good. Figure out if you can handle the ups and downs,” he finally said. “You’re dismissed.”

Lev blinked several times, but backed away before Bay changed his mind. He went in search of the kitchen, and made a beeline for Nik. He buried his face in Nik’s neck, breathing deep.

“My brother stole my baby,” Nik said sadly, wrapping his arms around Lev and pressing a kiss to Lev’s cheek.

Lev turned enough to watch Nate feeding Eden. “She’s in good hands,” Lev mumbled, and buried his face in Nik’s neck again. “Are you going back? He didn’t kick you out.”

Nik rubbed his face. “Yeah, I know. I just wanted to get you settled first before I went to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.”

“Stupid?” Lev pulled back enough to look Nik in the eye. “Like what?”

Nik just shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never seen Cameron like that. Cameron’s not the type to get unhinged.”

Guilt shot through Lev. “You should go, then,” Lev said softly. “I’m fine. And I’m worried about Cameron.”

Nik kissed him softly. “I am too.”

“Go on then.” Lev stole another quick kiss, and then said hesitantly, “Love you.”

“I know.” Nik pulled away. “I’ve got to go.”

Lev didn’t say a word, just wrapped his arms around his stomach while Nik looked over at Nate.

“Take care of them for me,” Nik said, and then he was gone.

----

Nik drove back with the radio blaring loud enough to drown out his thoughts. He had gotten dirty looks from other drivers but he ignored them too. He got home and shouldered his way past the sentries and into the kitchen. Nik stopped dead in his tracks at the broken glass and black blood on the ground.

His eyes slowly lifted to the open cupboards and the empty shelves before going to the demon bracing the counter with taut shoulders. Cameron’s head was hanging down and even though Nik couldn’t see, he knew Cameron’s eyes were closed and his mouth in a thin line.

He wasn’t sure where to go. He didn’t think Cameron would be happy if Nik just… started picking up the glass, or if he tried to inspect Cam for injuries. “....Lev’s okay.” When Cameron didn’t respond, Nik said, “Is he going to be allowed to come back?”

Again, Cameron didn’t say a word.

Nik went over and made the mistake of grabbing Cameron’s shoulder. Cam flinched so hard Nik didn’t have the chance to say a damn word before Cameron had his hand around Nik’s throat. He stared blankly at Nik for several seconds, not speaking before eventually letting him go and stepping back. Nik stared at him wide-eyed. “What the hell is going on with you?”

Cameron’s eyes were bloodshot and he looked down at the ground and frowned, eyes trailing the black, bloody footprints. “I didn’t feel it.”

“I want you to tell me what’s wrong,” Nik said, knowing damn well that this was the biggest asshole move he had made against Cameron. He slowly looked up at Nik, and he almost saw the switch flip in Cameron’s head. “What happened.”

“I don’t know,” Cameron said, in the most tired voice Nik had heard from him. “It won’t stop. Everything keeps changing and I can’t get it back under control. I’m tired and my routine is so fucked, because there is a damn baby in this house, and because she is destroying all my shit and cannot for the life of herself keep herself fucking quiet, I can’t think. I can’t work. And I can’t sleep.”

“Babies are messy, Cam.”

“I know!” Cameron snapped at him, in one of the loudest tones Nik had ever heard from him. Cameron did not yell, he was too controlled for that, but clearly that was not the case right now. “I am not an idiot, Nikolas, and I cannot work around how to keep her from driving me absolutely insane. And you and Lev decided to take the choice away from me by making me deviate from my routine even more by taking a godsdamned nap.”

Hot guilt spliced through Nik. He did, and he knew he took that choice away from Cameron by telling him it was what they wanted. Cam was hardwired to do what people wanted from him, and at the time, Nik had thought it was worth it.

“It won’t happen again,” Nik said. “Just thought it was a good idea to get you some sleep. You’ve been awake for the last three days.”

“I’ve endured worse,” Cameron said, flatly. “Missing a little sleep is nothing.”

“Pretty sure missing sleep is a torture technique,” Nik replied. When Cameorn’s eyes narrowed, Nik held up his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. Fine. But you’re bleeding. Let me look at your foot. I think you stepped in glass.”

Cameron looked at him long enough, NIk was almost sure that Cameron wasn’t going to. But in the end, Cameron just sat down on the stool. Nik went and grabbed a wet warm rag, maneuvering around the broken glass before kneeling in front of Cameron. He carefully picked the glass out of Cameron’s feet and washed the blood away until the healing kicked in. “Leave you alone for a few minutes and you completely destroy the kitchen,” Nik muttered. “Whatever will I do with you.”

Cameron didn’t deign him with a response, just rubbed his temples. “I need to go to the store, and I need to clean the kitchen and get the rest of work done. Where is my baby.”

“With Lev.”

“And where is Lev?”

“.....with my brother?”

“Your brother,” he echoed. “And Silas?”

“I mean, if you want to look at it like that. But Lev isn’t going to make a move and Silas can just follow him around like a puppy since Lev is clearly under you.”

“Lev can fuck him if he wants,” Cameron said. “I’m not his keeper.”

Nik snorted. “I doubt that’ll happen.”

“Hm.” They fell into silence while Nik finished wrapping up Cam’s foot before getting to his feet in time for Cameron to say, “You might as well bring a few of our shirts to the angel. The one he’s wearing isn’t going to last long.”

tagging: @idreamonpaper @incandescent-creativity @solangelo3088 @halstudies @alittleyellowdinosaur

[sleepymouses]

tagged by @littlepetbee, thank uuuu <3 i spent way too long thinking about htis lol,

Rules: pick 5 shows, then answer the following questions, tag a bunch o ppls to do it too (if y’all want to, supes no pressure or anything!)

Natsume yuujinchou  (a teenage orphan who sees spirits/monsters sets out to free the spirits who were bound in magical contract by his grandmother after he inherits a powerful book, aided primarily by a spirit who appears as an exasperated fat cat (who is just as fun as he sounds). Titular character is like my Fave boy in the whole world, he’s so kind and soft despite all the hardships he’s faced, the series has very gentle pacing/character development, and each episode is a carefully crafted lil story that have often moved me to tears, chuckles, or outright chinhands of fondness as u watch natsume slowly find a home in the world and amongst the humans &spirits around him. big focus on friendships, there’s like no romance with any of the main characters, lots of cool different creatures (most of whom arent all that scary once u get to know them), its just literally everything i could ever dream for in a show and it exists! <3)

Leverage (team of modern day robin hoods ruin rich peoples’ lives via  delightfully crafted spy cons to give back to the regular folks the rich people hurt. Extremely good, strong found family vibes, and v cathartic)

Brooklyn 99 (follows diverse cast of character who make up a NY precinct. Hilarious, immensely wholesome & groundbreaking, & probs the most lighthearted crime show besides like psych tbh)

Blackspot/Zone Blanche (spoopy french/belgium crime series set in a small village way out in the mountains surrounded by misty, mysterious and murdery woods. eerie and atmospheric, but also like one of my fave characters (everyone calls him teddy bear) keeps a pet guinea pig at work, so it’s not entirely grim and bleak)

Longmire (a modern western crime drama centering around the titular sheriff and others in their small town wyoming county, well written and lot of chracter development revealed alongside some really good case mysteries bc i love trying to figure out whodunits apparently based on a book series well adored by dads btw)

who is your favorite character in 2? (leverage) ahhh,,, this is hard... Eliot maybe? like Hardison is baby ofc, but i relate to elliot a ton (i think if i was on a team i would want to be the hitter tbh?) and love the subversion of so many action hero tropes that he is, also endlessly amused by how very put upon he is despite all his rad/random skills

who is your least favorite character in 1? (natsume yuujinchou) oh seiji matoba for sure, he can go eat a mouldy tree stump. absolutely evil nasty dude

what is your favorite episode of 4? (blackspot) the end of the road. great opening, didnt end up too devastating unlike a lot of the cases, Hermann was gr8, cool twist i hadnt super expected in the plot which was neat.

what is your favorite season of 5? (longmire) probs 1, walter reeally started to piss me off being Such A Man in later seasons, also me being extremely anxious about Henry and his life choices later, that creepy stalker storyline starting up with Someone and when Someone else in the main cast got died really suddenly and upsettingly later on as well, also when a weird relationship started between some of the characters that i really aint feeling so. before all that happened was nice (also sorry if this is super vague, im trying to avoid spoilers)

who is your favorite couple in 3? (B99) Besides Jake/Amy and Holt/Kevin (bc oviously theyre gr8) uh.. i know it was a long time ago and didnt last very long, but i thought rosa and marcus were really sweet? it brought another layer out to her character, even when they broke up that helped rosa starting to show emotional vulnerability and all, even tho it ended it was still just, idk, i liked them.

who is your favorite couple in 2? (leverage) Does trio count, cos Parker/Eliot/Harding 4 life yo

what is your favorite episode of 1? (natsume yujinchou) i have sooo many faves ahhh!!! i dont think i could pick just one on pain of death, every episode is acrefully cosntructed gem all on its own and i have too many that i love and adore to pick jsut one :((

what is your favorite episode of 5? (longmire) Dog soldier!! ive rewatched that one a ton, so so many good bits, really satisfying resolution of the case despite the shitty system that was revealed, and i rmr getting chills by the end the first time i saw it.

what is your favorite season of 2? (leverage) i guess season 1? just, idk, everything being set up and watching all these grumpies/less grumpies who have no plans to stay together start working together as a baby team, and just the joy of seeing their first heist together with the first plot twist, just.. such a delight, but all seasons that ive seen so far were all excellent, it’s a stellar show

how long have you watched 1? (natsume yujinchou) oh idk exactly, like years and years man... defs the longest out of all on this list

how did you become interested in 3? (b99) i think it was just on netflix way back in season 1 and i started watching it, loved it and never stopped? i think that might have even been before it got rlly popular lol

who is your favorite actor in 4? (blackspot) i dont rlly know any of these french peeps? but teddybear’s one of my fave characters, so hopefully the person who plays him is also cool, in which case hubert delattre (if not, Suliane Brahim does a v good job as the lead)

which do you prefer, 1, 2, or 5? (natsume yujinchou, leverage or longmire) um... real torn between natsume and leverage here, they’re both such lovely gems that do found family so, so well.. leverage is a team of modern robin hood-esque spies with brilliant writing and exciting heists and multiple delightful plot twists every episode and great character building and so much catharticism in ruining evil rich peoples lives.

but natsume’s title character is one of my very favorite characters ever, hes been through so much but he becomes the most kindest and thoughtful boy ever, and its so, so soft and gentle in its development of characters and their slow build of getting to know each other and becoming friends, and the interactions with the paranormal world are very rarely entirely malicious/scary, and there’s pretty well no romance, at least like no romance for plot/with the main characters anyways, and there’s lots of female characters who have important roles but arent sexualized/killed off for man feels/exist for romo (which sadly cannot be said about a lot of media, especially manga/anime tbh, even leverage does not win entirely on that front).. its defintiely my favorite anime ever (i dont watch loads, but literally no other one can ever come close to topping its perfection),

i guess tho, leverage is over, and natsume is still technically ongoing, so i guess for that then i have to go with natsume?

which show have you seen more episodes of, 1 or 3? (natsume yuujinchou or b99) Natsume for sure, they’re so short its easy to power thru like half a season in an afternoon

if you could be anyone from 4, who would you be? (blackspot) i would probably want to be someone who didnt live in villefranche actually haha uh, it’s a pretty spoopity place.. even some of the characters i do like make some Bad decisions that are v bothersome. Dr. Leila barami seems to have a good head on her shoulders tho, so if i Must be a character here then let’s go with her

would a crossover between 3 and 4 work? (b99 or blackspot) oh god... the cheery upbeat department at the 99 meet up with a grim, misty tiny mountain forest village with bleak day to day life, solving crimes amidst small town paranoia and weird maybe cult-related conspiracies and honestbhly something/s paranormal and menacing going on in the woods?? i just... cant see any of the characters even interacting lol, im just picturing jake’s confused befuddled face when he hears something weird but like x 10000

pair two characters in 1 who would make an unlikely but strangely okay couple? (natsume yujinchou) hm... i mean, one of the things i love about Natsume is that there arent really any romo relationships tbh? at least not with any of the main characters in the main storyline (so far), just like the odd one-off of minor characters (and takashi’s adopted parents ofc, but that’s different). so, yeah, i cant really think of one (although i think the big fandom fave ship of takashi and his worst enemy is rlly.. nope, and i dont know what’s going on there? takashi and tanama however, that would make sense, tho it is not unlikely so i cant answer this question with them)

overall, which show has the better storyline, 3 or 5? (b99 or longmire) b99! cos ya know my annoyances with some of the stuff happening later on in longmire lol, b99 just got better n better as it went along, and it’s still going :’)

which has the better theme music, 2 or 4? (leverage or blackspot) blackspot has a real good eerie atmospheric theme which is gr8 and i love it <3 (leverage’s tune is like, elevator music/cheesy jazzy spy tune, which does suit it tho lol)

and idk, anyone bored and stuck at home who wants to do this? no pressure if ur like nah but if u wanna go ahead.... @creepy-friend-of-darkness @anna-wa @rhinky-thingz @rexbasileus @aeolian-harp @warrenkoles @softbrobarnes @damnitttana @cluelesswolf @moondoggiestyle @blloodorangeisthenewblack @my-nail-beds-suck @frankiecolours @savvylikeyeahhh @lake-effectkidx @justhugharry @casualmisandry @j4ya @galaxygalpals @thesecondwarm @dealwright @knipperdollin @curlycombover @kaspbrakeddie (and if i didnt tag u and u still wanna do this, consider yeself tagged)

[owlghost]

1-25 for the ask game, for 25 I choose Danny!

hot damn okay!

1) When did you first watch Danny Phantom?i watched it the day it premiered! i was eight years old wowie

2) What’s your favorite fic?OH SHIT idk man i have read and loved way to many to pick a fav uh i personally really love horror and angsty stuff, which is very easy to find lmao

3) If you could canonically rewrite any episode, which would you chose?obviously phantom planet. i like the concept of a crazy-ass asteroid thats going to destroy the earth unless ghosts and people join together to ~save the day~ but it couldve been done without all the other bullshit i probably dont need to explain

4) What’s your favorite ship (if any)?pitch pearl holds a special place in my heart since it was one of the first that i ever liked, otherwise im neutral on most of them

5) Thoughts about Amethyst Ocean?i hate it and i dont like sam either

6) Thoughts about Gray Ghost?im neutral on it

7) Thoughts about Swagger Bishie?i used to like it a lot, even now i enjoy the dynamic but otherwise neutral

8) Thoughts about Wes Weston?if written well he can be a really good addition, so yeah i enjoy his character

9) Thoughts about Vlad?couldve been a really good antagonist, but hes too rigid of a character in canon. theres a few fanon versions i really enjoy- one being where he’s still a bad guy for using his powers to get rich and blackmail people, but hes not out for murder (tho maybe still bitter) and doesnt want danny as his son. like hes a bad guy but not a Bad Guy if that makes sense

10) Would you rather wear the striped pants or ‘It’s not gay if he’s dead’ t-shirt?those pants are atrocious, give me the shirt. tho maybe confusing since im a lesbian lmao

11) Most underrated fic trope?nobody knows au, please give me more i am starving

12) Most overrated fic trope?field trip into dannys head/ghost zone, its just been written so many times that the dead horse is now ground meat

13) Which do you prefer more, ghost hunger or dissection fics?AW FUCK MAN dont make me choose both are so gross and horrific that i love them equally

14) Have you ever read a dissection fic and if so, do you remember your first one?ya obviously, and it was lab rat which was also the very first fic i read for the fandom and i was fuckin HOOKED

15) Who’s your favorite character?i mean danny bc im basic but other than him either frostbite of wulf

16) Would you rather Danny be an astronaut or the Ghost King?not to project but i’d rather him be an astronaut bc i personally know the pain of growing up and working so hard to do a specific thing, but then having something happen that completely destroys all that work. okay im 100% projecting but let him live out his dreams BLEASE, for me

17) Would you rather Danny expose his secret to his family or classmates?both are good but probably family so there could be some heavy duty hurt/comfort

18) What do you think ghost speak would sound like?like a recording of someone speaking but its played in reverse w an overlay of static and an echobut i also like where its just a jumble of letters so it looks and sounds like gibberish but theres obviously rules and grammar and whatnot

19) Thoughts about field trip fics?the horse is GROUND BEEF guys(write whatever u want idc, just have fun)

20) Thoughts about “season four” fics?i dont think ive read any so idk

21) Which two characters would you like to swap bodies for a day?MAN IDK i dont really like body swap stuff

22) Any headcanons about the Infinite Realms?its the opposite of space so anything and anyone could and does exist bc its truly infinite and ever expanding

23) Any headcanons about the A-Listers?kwan and star are actually pretty nicedash has a shitty home lifepaulina is middle class At Best but has amazing sewing skills so she can make any garment look expensive

24) Any headcanons about Dani?shes nomadic so she doesnt stay in place very longanonymously runs a very popular instagram where she takes pictures and videos of the places she visitschanges a lot of aspects of her appearance so she doesnt look like a danny clone anymore- basically becomes her own person physically

25) What song do you associate with Danny?enter shikari - airfield (thats also a link to the song)

[missmarquin]

Magnetic, Ch. 1

In the future, romantic attraction is literal: each person is fitted with an electromagnetic bracelet which will pull you to your soulmate. It's hard, wondering who's out there for you. It's harder yet, when you have to come to understand yourself first.

Read on A03, for best quality (Including proper italics and such!)

Domain

‘A magnetic domain is a region within magnetic material in which the magnetization is uniform in one direction.’

Eighteen was a big year for many, but turning twenty is what people truly waited for.

Otabek had never really given it much thought, he supposed. Amita might not have been his initial choice of who he’d want to spend his life with forever, but she had since grown on him-- not unlike a fungus. She was sharp and quick-witted, and he had to admit that his parents had made a good choice. Really, they had. He and Amita just worked together, their relationship didn’t require much effort.

So the ceremonious receiving of the Destiny Bracelet wasn’t so ceremonious for him. He didn’t want to fuck up something that was good for him.

“It’s such a stupid fucking name,” Yuri said through the phone screen. Amita rolled her eyes, as she held the phone out, and Otabek smirked back at the video feed. “ Destiny Bracelet . What is this, some shitty fucking rom-com?”

“Hey now,” Amita pouted, leaning around so Yuri could see her through the screen. “ Some people like shitty rom-coms.”

“I guess you’re allowed to,” Yuri said with a genuine smile. “You’re special though.”

Really, Otabek’s luck couldn’t be better. Yuri was the most important person in the world to him, at the end of things, and he fucking lovedAmita. They were practically partners-in-crime themselves.

“What’s the point anyhow?” Yuri continued griping. “ It’s not like you aren’t getting married regardless. You and Amita are stupidly in love.”

Otabek and Amita shared an amused glance, and he said, “Why not? It’s not like it’s going to hurt me, you know? Besides, Mom is curious.” Not his mom, just Mom, the woman who had seen Yuri once before instantly adopting him as her own. Much to the boy’s aggravation.

Yuri snorted, rolling his eyes. Otabek wasn’t sure that he was stupidly in love with Amita, but he was happy and honestly, that was more than he could ask for. There was a mild fear that the bracelet would want to pull him somewhere else, but many people ignored it anyway. The journey of finding that soulmate wasn’t worth it to some.

Otabek was okay with that. He wasn’t the kind for grand romantic gestures or sweeping adventures. It was less work to stay in his tidy little bubble, and it suited him.

“Are we all ready in here?” A voice piped from the doorway. Everyone turned to meet a middle-aged man, the proctor in charge of attaching and turning on the gizmo. Otabek nodded and he whisked into the room, settling into the rolling stool beside the bed.

“I was I could be there for this,” Yuri muttered. “I wish I could see the annoyance on your face, the moment that bracelet beeps.”

Such a Yuri thing to say and do, to take pleasure in the vexation of others.

“Someone has rehearsal to be at, you know,” Amita chided. “Someone scored a spot in the Bolshoi Ballet Company, so that someone needs to stay put and not burn bridges before they are even built.”

Yuri sighed and Otabek hid a smile behind a carefully placed cough. Yuri wouldn’t listen to him, but he would always listen to her, begrudging as it was.

“Hold out your arm now,” the proctor interrupted cheerfully. Otabek did as he was told and the man fitted a length of cool metal around his wrist. It wasn’t his first time seeing one and it wouldn’t be his last, but he was always surprised by how boring it looked. Just a simple chain of lightweight links, fitted with neat and elegant looking square. The way it worked was a carefully guarded secret, but it worked and that’s all people cared about.

The point of the Destiny Bracelet was to make people happy, not make money and so, the world-wide program had been adopted free of charge. Yuri had always said it was stupid, because it could have made billions. He wasn’t wrong.

“As you probably already know, there’s nothing really needed to know about it’s use,” the proctor said. “It’s waterproof and practically indestructible, so you don’t need to worry about that. It can easily be removed if so wished, and once put back on, instantly kicks into gear again. No fancy buttons or doohickies,” he finished with a laugh. “You ready?”

Otabek shrugged and the man took a thin little tool, about the size of a paperclip, and shoved it into the pin-sized hole on the square. The bracelet beeped, indicating that it was scanning.

The room waited with bated breath, but nothing seemed to happen.

“Beks?” Amita said gently, curiosity full on her face. “Anything?”

“Uh,” Otabek started, lifting his wrist slightly. “No? I don’t think?”

The proctor didn’t seem fazed though, asking, “No tingling sensations? No feeling of being tugged a certain direction?”

“No,” Otabek confirmed. “Nothing.”

“Well, that’s not unusual,” the man said. “It only comes to life if your partner’s bracelet is active. Give it some time and it will start to work, I promise.” He folded his hands into his lap neatly. “Any other questions?”

“Yeah,” Yuri said from the video call, “Who’s placing bets on when that fucking happens?”

Otabek shot Yuri a glare, but Amita burst into laughter. The proctor smiled, before standing and handing Otabek a flyer. “This should give you more in depth information, but don’t hesitate to call, okay?”

Otabek nodded and thanked him, before standing himself.

“Three months till your woman gets hers,” Yuri drawled, “Ten thousand rubles that hers lights up like a damn Christmas Tree in your direction.”

The thought of Amita’s bracelet reacting to his own was a nice thought, but a one-in-a-million chance. Otabek remained hesitant about it, not wanting to get his hopes up.

“We don’t use rubles,” Amita tittered, her lips pulled into a sarcastic smirk. “What’s that about in tenge, Otabek?”

“About fifty-six thousand,” he deadpanned, and half Yuri’s monthly salary. Amita pressed her finger to her chin in thought.

“I’ll accept the bet and raise it, Yuri,” she finally said, a gleam in her eye. “One hundred thousand tenge that his bracelet doesn’t do jack shit when mine is activated.” Amita came from old money and didn’t bat an eye at the outrageous amount.

Otabek started slightly at that, but Yuri was already accepting the challenge before he could process that she had bet against them.

“You’re on, you hag,” Yuri snapped. “It’s pretty fucked up to bet against your own romance though.”

“Plenty of people don’t go searching for their soulmate, Yuri,” she said with a shrug. “Many people already love someone else and stick with them. Otabek and I are no different.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Amita when she said it, but the both of them weren’t the kind to throw around something like lovelightheartedly. When they walked out of the building though, Amita’s hand reached out to find his, squeezing gently as they told Yuri goodbye.

It’s enough to believe that this might actually work.

It wasn’t.

Otabek didn’t know what was wrong with him when he finally came to that conclusion.

The more and more he thought about the silent bracelet on his wrist, the more he realized that he would be okay with it staying that way for the rest of his life. And that he would be a-okay with Amita wandering off and finding her own destined one.

Because honestly, the woman deserved it. She deserved more than a half-hearted romance with a man who just liked her. Like wasn’t the same as love. Otabek understood that now.

“Relationships are fucking useless,” Yuri groaned over the video call.

“I take it that the date didn’t go well then,” Otabek mused.

“It was great, until he tried to eat my face off like some sort of rabid dog. ” Yuri paused to make a disgusted sound. “You know, that was the first time I’ve kissed a dude and honestly I feel sorry for women. Men are disgusting.”

Otabek wasn’t sure what surprised him more-- that Yuri’s first kiss had apparently been with a woman, or that he had admitted that men were gross. “You told me he was gross before you went on the date,” he pointed out.

“Personality wise yes,” Yuri replied, “but Beka, have you seen his fucking calves?”

“Yes,” Otabek said. Yuri had shown him tons of pictures of the company, all the while complaining about every single member.

Yuri rolled his eyes. “You know, ignore that, it’s not like you’d ever fucking agree.”

It came out harsher than he meant, and Otabek mused at the irony of his statement. Otabek wouldn’t consider himself gay, but Yuri never failed to get under his skin when the time accounted for it. That moment wasn’t an exception, with his low-scooping neckline and hair falling around his face like spun gold.

Otabek promptly reminded himself that what he had with Amita was good enough, and not worth risking the only fucking friendship he had.

“So,” Yuri drawled and Otabek’s attention snapped back to him. “Less than a week until Amita get’s her little bracelet.”

Otabek smirked. “Regretting your bet yet?”

“Absolutely the fuck not. Everyone knows you two are disgustingly perfect. You’re almost as bad as the Piggy and Old Man.”

Otabek seriously doubted that, but laughed all the same.

“Are you worried?” Yuri asked.

“Not really,” Otabek said with a shrug.

“What if it’s not you?”

Otabek hesitated, but then said, “Not a problem. Like Amita said, many people stay with those they aren’t meant for. It’s not a bad thing.”

Yuri was quiet for a moment, regarding him carefully through the screen. Finally, he said, “You aren’t the type to do things half-way, Beka.”

It wasn’t a critique, it was the honest truth, and for once he didn’t know how to reply. But as soon as introspective Yuri had shown his face, he was gone, throwing out a dirty joke that he had heard from one of the pit musicians.  

After a long time of tossing jokes around and swapping stories, their call comes to its end. Yuri was clearly tired, eyelids drooping as he tucked into the hoodie that he stole from Otabek years ago.

Yuri had said his goodnight, about to end the call, when Otabek said something else.

“Would it make me a terrible person if I wanted her bracelet to point to someone else?” It wasn’t a planned question, or something he would have ever asked Yuri. His friend blinked slowly, his hand hovering over the keyboard of his laptop. “I wonder,” Otabek continued, “if I’m a horrible person because I might want to pull away.”

“Of course it doesn’t,” Yuri finally said. “It makes you normal. Everyone questions their relationships. Sometimes people are constantly questioning them.” He paused and considered something else. “You’re lucky though, I think. Amita seems the kind of woman tough enough to handle rejection in the end. She’d slap a smile on her face and thank you.”

Yuri wasn’t wrong, and despite his heavy-handed worries, Otabek managed another smile before they ended the call for the night.

Otabek couldn’t dedicate time to be there, when Amita’s bracelet was activated. She came from old money, and despite working, she worked for her parents. They showered her with all the vacation and time off she could have ever wanted.

It wasn’t like Otabek’s family weren’t well of either-- that’s how they had met-- but he didn’t like to dip his hand into the cookie jar so to speak. He worked hard for his coin, and as a result had less leeway.

So that night, he had been in his garage, fixing up a vintage bike for a collector. It was dirty work, leaving him smeared with grease, but he loved it. The feel of the tools in his hand, the way that the engine whined when finely tuned to perfection.

Really, it was all could have ever asked for.

“I take it that it’s been a good day for you, Beks,” Amita said, stepping into his space quietly.

He swiped at his forehead and turned to smile at her, but she seemed distant and subdued. Slowly he dropped his hand, as he regarded her.

Amita fidgeted, she never fidgeted, and Otabek couldn’t help the crease that stretched across his forehead as he moved to speak. But she held her hand out and paused. And he saw the bracelet there, blinking gently in the dim light.

His didn’t blink at all, because it had no call.

She saw his gaze and moved her hand self-consciously, tucking her hair behind an ear. “It’s not strong,” she said, “the pull. Whoever it is isn’t close by. I’m not surprised though.”

“I-- I’m not either,” Otabek replied, but the words didn’t sound bitter. Nor was there dread in the pit of his stomach. If he had to be honest, he felt relieved.

Amita leaned against his workbench. “I know what we told Yuri, but--”

“But it’s not right,” Otabek finished, knowing that’s where she was going with this. He stood, wiping his dirtied hands on a spare rag in his pocket. He moved to lean next to her and she smiled sadly.

“It’s stupid, right? I mean, I want to marry you.”

“I would like that too,” Otabek said truthfully.

“But it isn’t… it’s not right,” she repeated. “I can’t really describe it any other way.” She sighed softly. “I couldn’t deny whoever your soulmate is, you, Otabek.”

He snorted at that. “I think it’s safe to say I’m doomed to be alone, Amita,” he replied lightheartedly. And that was probably the truth. Most bracelets activated within several months, and the longer it took, the less likely it ever would. He was past the point of holding his breath.

She turned to look at him, her eyes flashing. “Why on earth would you think that?”

Otabek rubbed at his neck nervously. “I don’t know, I’m just not the kind of person who does people, you know? I’ve been thinking more and more about it lately, and I think that the single lifestyle would suit me.”

Amita regarded him quietly, tapping her finger against her chin like she always did when she thought. “I think the problem Beks,” she finally said, “is that you just haven’t found your person yet. I would love to be them, but… it’s not fair.”

“Yeah, it’s not fair to you--”

“ To you,” she interrupted. Otabek blinked at her words, her conviction. “You deserve happiness as much as anyone else,” she said firmly.

Otabek breathed an uneasy sigh, rubbing at his neck again. “I’m not holding my breath, you know,” he finally said.

At that, she laughed. “I wouldn’t expect you too. Above all Otabek, you are practical.”

He managed a smile at that. “What will you do, then? Go after him?” He took her hand gently, pulling it closer to see the bracelet. All it did was blink, signaling that it was on.

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “I’m not sure my parents would be happy. They love you.”

“They love you more,” he pointed out.

She hummed at that, before reaching up and cupping his chin in her hand. “I’ll always love you,” she said quietly. “Despite what this bracelet says, or yours, I’ll always love you. I’m just not the one meant for you, I think.” She leaned forward and pressed a kiss against his brow sweetly. “Who knows? Maybe they’re closer than you think?” She smirked widely as she pulled back and let him go.

Otabek could think of one person that he wouldn’t mind, but those odds were heavily stacked against him. And he wasn’t the kind to dream.

Still, when she left him behind in his shop, his heart didn’t feel heavy. He thanked Amita for her unwavering friendship, knowing that he’d have it forever.

The first year after the break up had been weird.

Amita had decided to go West in the end, following the tug of her bracelet. Otabek had seen her off personally, hugging her tightly at the airport. They parted well, with light hearts and encouraging words. Otabek knew that they had made the right decision, no matter how disappointed their parents had been.

In turn, being alone had given him time to think.

The single life wasn’t so bad, he thought. Amita’s words about how he hadn’t found his someone yet floated around here and there, but he had chosen to mostly ignore them. It was easier worrying about himself, and devoting the time to come to understanding who he was.

Yuri told him that he was stupid, but didn’t press the issue.

The second year was better. The second year, Otabek discovered himself, exploring his freedom. He finally used that vacation time and savings, and hit the open roads on his bike. Not too far though gone, because he never missed his nightly calls with Yuri.

Yuri threw himself into ballet, constantly tired and bruised. And when he wasn’t punishing his body with grueling training regimes, he threw himself into shitty date after shitty date. No one seemed to stick, not that Otabek was surprised. Yuri was as prickly as a summer cactus, and his personality wasn’t much better. Not everyone could handle the abrasive man.

“A huge part of me doesn’t want to get the stupid bracelet, Beka,” Yuri complained one night during their call. His twentieth birthday was looming over them and in a few weeks, he’d know.

“You don’t have to get the bracelet, you know,” Otabek said, leaning back against his headboard. It was a late night and both of them were settling for bed.

Yuri sighed, sitting on his tony mattress with crossed legs. That night he wore baggy sweatpants and a wide-necked black shirt that showed off his collarbones--

Otabek distracted himself by taking a sip from the water cup on his side table.

“I thought about it, actually,” Yuri said. “But then you know, I also keep dating assholes, so clearly my method isn’t working out.”

Otabek raised an eyebrow at that. “Don’t date assholes then,” he chided, smiling.

Yuri rolled his eyes, before falling back against the bed. “How do you do it?” he asked. “How do you just… do your own thing?”

Otabek thought before he answered. “It’s taken time and a lot of thought,” he finally said. “And of course, Amita pushed me, I guess.”

“A cross-country trip to discover yourself doesn’t hurt either,” Yuri teased, and when Otabek looked back at him through the screen, he saw the smirk across his lips. Otabek smiled right back.

“I’ve thought about taking it off,” Otabek continued with, flicking at the metal on his wrist. Nearly three years later and it was still dead as a door nail. Frankly, Otabek had lost interest in waiting. “My soulmate doesn’t define me, you know?”

Yuri hummed quietly. “Don’t,” he finally said. “I mean, at least wait until it turns on, yeah?”

“It probably won’t, Yura,” Otabek sighed. “Studies show that most activate within the first year. I’m probably the rare case of never activates at all . And honestly, I’m cool with it.”

“Well I’m not,” Yuri scoffed. “You can’t tell me that someone doesn’t get Otabek Altin as a fucking soulmate, I won’t take it. You’re too cool to go it alone.”

“You literally said that you admire that about me.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t think you’re deserving.”

Otabek ran a hand through his hair gently. “You aren’t like me, Yura,” he finally said. “Even though you don’t like people, you crave their attention. You’d never be okay on your own.”

“I wouldn’t be alone though,” Yuri replied quietly. “I’ll always have you, you know.”

Otabek did know, and he smiled. “It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am, but I’m good now. Give yourself a chance too, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled. There was a short pause, and then, “Do yourself a favor Beka. Don’t you take yours off either, okay?”

Otabek’s lips quirked into a smile. “Okay.”

“It’s a promise?”

“Always, Yura.”

Despite all of Otabek’s annoyance for his own bracelet, he was excited for Yuri.

He watched through the screen as Yuri sat on the exam table, twitching with apprehension. The phone must have been propped up against something.  “It’s stupid,” he snapped. “I should be at rehearsal, I should be running through forms, hell I’d rather be doing fucking squats.”

Otabek smiled at that. “It’s not the end of the world, Yura,” he said amused. “A few years ago, you were excited .”

“Yeah, until I realized what a drag dating is, and how disgusting men are.” He paused then, his face twisting into horror. “Beka, what if my soulmate is a woman? My life would be over!”

“It could be worse, you know,” he joked. “It could not work at all.” He raised his own wrist in response.

Yuri scowled at him, about to retort when the proctor came in. When requested to, Yuri stuck his arm out, the smooth skin pale against his dark shirt. Otabek watched as the man slipped the chain around his wrist, snapping it closed. And then the tool came out.

Yuri looked hesitant, but his eyes were bright as the man activated the bracelet.

But then they both fell quiet, watching. And then there was a little beep and Yuri’s bracelet blinked. He regarded it with an odd look.

“You know, I wish Amita were watching. I bet her smug ass would have enjoyed this.”

Before Otabek could retort though, there was another beep, this time not through the phone call. He froze and looked down, right as his bracelet flared to life.

[andronauts]

more feelings on roy endoza/dnd

yeh so as expected i already knew how shitty i was gonna feel after the last session

pretty much was talking abt this shit forever ago but YKNOW people still think i didnt “expect ppl to react like this” or “didnt consider ppls feelings” bRUHHHHHH............ OF COURSE I DID........

i had a lot of stupid moments as a player that i wish i remembered in time but its kind of too late for it now ig. and im not talking about my godmove play about using my godtier artifact as a powermove for my own personal mission no im not talking about that stupid moment bc i honest to god think that was a powermove on the campaigns part. on behalf of the party it was a shitty move on behalf of the gods and the villain himself it was a fucking powerplay so yeah. very double edged sword that also heals as well.

anyways. i have a lot to word abt... im still upset! i have been about this specific scenario happening ive literally been crying about this scenario since february so like idk man i never underestimated how much it was gonna hurt when ive written 1000 diff scenarios of it playing out and imagined 1093924829385 diff scenarios of how it would play out and all of them SUCKED there was no good reveal.

everything ive done i have felt SO GUILTY ABOTUJKSDFDSFS... like REALLY iv vent and i rant about it and i crytpe about it and i feel shit as a PLAYER but roy as a character is SO dedicated he’s so persevering he’s true to his goal and ME as a player care more about staying true to my character than how i affect my own mental state or whatever... THIS is the character i wrote i dont care if what he does to achieve his goal is shitty like THATS what i wrote and keeping that was so much more important to me than making myself feel better about my choices as a player... character integrity is so important to me

and i know there are a lot of times when i(as a player)have made a lot of ooc choices... i can name so many. its either me being selfish of things wanting to happen or just overall having an adhd moment but like. in the overall sense of the campaign i did not want MY selfish needs as a player to make ooc decisions just because *i* didnt want my character to be doing a certain thing. as much as i’m the one playing, this is HIS story, HIS choices to make, HIS life... and i hated the idea of making ooc decisions as his player jsut bc i couldnt handle it.

and i know it might have been easy as just not doing things to not hurt ppls feelings but staying true to my chara is just :((. idk i hate the idea of playing ooc and theres literally nothing that can make me make strong decisions like roys to change it. smaller ones i can make but when im in the game all the big decisions are roy’s and not mine. i didnt Want to hurt any of the players feelings.. its SUCKED. MAJOR TIME.

ive hated every single session knowing i was gonna hurt someone in some point of time and i just wanted to kill my chara so many times... i wanted it to end so i wouldnt have to think abt it anymore... i wrote angst, wrote songs, made sad playlists, made awful memes all to cope with the horrible decisions roy was making..

dnt get em wrong i love playing dnd but,, wowie my chara is just.... how do i explain uhhhhhhh

he’s?? not a good person?? i’ve said this from the very beginning that he wasnt a good person... in the past he practiced necromancy time to time and he eventually stole,,corpses...from the hospitla.... yeesh. what a madman. killed milo bc of it. and then wanted ot fix it....

and he’s’;;;;;;.. still good hearted. he wants people to live... he wants to save people.... he doesnt want people to die. as much as he is a necromancer he is still a doctor.... and bringing back milo was like his redemption after killing him. he couldnt deal with the mistakes..

and so he did whatecver it took.. using the keys, lying about everything, and even....using ayce as shitty as it was.

and ik me as a player didnt have to do that but i fucking literally cried thinking about how horrible it was.. i literally dont even know how i made a character this good yet shitty at the same time.

anyway idk nothin i say  is gonna look good bc he’s well.. he’s not a bad person.. all he really wanted to do was save lives and bring one back... but he’s not good either...  he sucks.

im getting off track i have a million thoughts abt dnd i couldnt even begin to type all of them

[thelifetimechannel]

This week’s bonus content brings us Jake and John discussing the likelihood of  a robot apocalypse:

JAKE: Hey there pal! JAKE: So youre jades... brother? JOHN: that's right! JOHN: compared to how confusing everyone else's family trees are, we are very straight forward. JOHN: even if we did not know we were related at first... JOHN: i wasn't sure how YOU were related to her, back when you were pen pals. JOHN: do you remember sending me that letter? JAKE: By jove i almost forgot about that. It feels like ages ago. JOHN: i don't know how long it was for you, but i got it three years ago. JAKE: I mean from my point of view it was only a couple of months but a lots gone on. JOHN: it arrived on my birthday so it was right on time. JOHN: it came in handy in a tight spot. JOHN: you were right in your letter, i DO love movies. JOHN: even if i am not into wrestling that much. JAKE: Oh well ive had my fill of fisticuffs for awhile anyway. Movies on the other hand i havent had much time to dig into! JAKE: By the way did you like your present?? And little terry kiser? JOHN: um... JOHN: well, i named her liv tyler, actually. i didn't know you already named her, or him. JOHN: anyway, she saved my butt in a big way! JOHN: and then she flew off on a ship heroically, but ran off again i guess? JOHN: and then she somehow joined dave and rose on their even more heroic mission to blow up a sun. JOHN: which they failed to do mostly because they actually MADE the sun, but the important thing is that they tried. JOHN: they came back, but i think the bunny didn't make it. :( JAKE: I live by the philosophy that when a stuffed toy changes hands its appropriate to change its name. It gives things a history like that. JAKE: At least she died doing something i presume she enjoyed. JOHN: blowing up? JAKE: No!! Being a hero and dicing up bad guys! JOHN: was the robot sentient? JOHN: maybe we should have treated it with more respect, so it would not turn evil and destroy us like a watership down version of skynet. JAKE: I mean dirk helped me a little in making it and all of his projects seem to enjoy that kind of mayhem. JAKE: Not as much as his own version of the rabbit but i think in giving me advice at least a couple of his engine greased fingerprints are on it. JOHN: man, everyone is some sort of robotics genius around here. JOHN: if we hadn't already had an apocalypse ushered in by rogue technology i would be worried. JAKE: I briefly suspected hal but no worries. JAKE: I think if he were going to attempt a robopocalypse he wouldve done it a long time ago when he was bored and had less to do. JOHN: he and terezi would get along. they both seem to enjoy wreaking mayhem for fun, although she says she's sorry now. JAKE: They might try but dirk would go spare. JAKE: And I think hes tossed out all his spares for today already. JOHN: everyone has learned their lesson about devious deeds! JOHN: i'm confident that will not happen in the future. JOHN: instead we can relax and do things like watch that movie you were recommending. JAKE: Oh yeah!! JAKE: Which one did i recommend again? I think it was weekend at bernies. JOHN: the one about the corpse getting moved around to trick people? JAKE: Oh yes! Two gentlemen discover that their boss has died shortly before throwing a party and try to convince people hes still alive by puppeting his body around! Its really quite hilarious! JOHN: it sounds good. JOHN: although apparently i'm already locked in to watching a few others. JOHN: including dave's? JOHN: i can't believe he became a big deal movie star in your world, that's hilarious. JAKE: He did. Ive got one of his characters tattooed on my arm! JOHN: um JOHN: you do? JOHN: wow. JOHN: have you told him that? JAKE: Not yet. Should i? JOHN: you might actually make him speechless, which would be a first. JOHN: definitely try it. JOHN: wait, which one is it anyway? JOHN: also, how did you get a tattoo? JOHN: i thought you grew up alone or something, like jade did. JAKE: Ive got sweet bro. Dirk gave it to me after we met up! JAKE: Hes got hella jeff. We match! JAKE: Let me tell you it was a harrowing thing getting it! Id heard getting a tattoo really hurts but you know what i just closed my eyes and before i knew it it was over just like that. JOHN: ... JOHN: huh. JOHN: well, that sounds exciting. i'm sure he'll be thrilled. JOHN: none of us have ever shown that level of devotion. JOHN: mostly we just repeat his shitty memes. JAKE: Dirk takes memes to a whole new level pal. JOHN: i haven't really had a chance to meet him before this. JOHN: i've been missing out on so many reunions today, maybe because i keep bouncing around taking people places. JOHN: out of you guys i've mostly talked to jane and roxy. JOHN: and i only talked to jane once! JOHN: i'm already behind. JAKE: Oh im sure youll get along great! Hes a cool dude and super smart. A little odd but he genuinely means well. JOHN: i'm looking forward to meeting everyone! JOHN: wait, i did meet him once, that's right. JOHN: back in the bad timeline, i saw him floating in space and asked him what happened, because i'd just come back from fighting calliope's brother. JOHN: but all he said was 'i failed' and then he... turned into glitter? JOHN: there were lots of glitches floating around, it was a hazard. JOHN: hopefully we can overcome that first impression. JAKE: ...yeah that sounds like dirk. JAKE: He can be pretty dramatic. JOHN: rose and dave are super dramatic too, he'll fit right in. JOHN: with all of us together it's going to be all drama all the time. JOHN: it will be up to us normal people to keep things under control. JAKE: He grew up all alone so sometimes i think he only knows how to act from movies too but who knows. Maybe it runs in families. JAKE: Family. Weird. JAKE: Hey that means were family too arent we? JOHN: i guess so! JOHN: you're my... JOHN: hm. JOHN: relative. JAKE: Relative. I guess. JAKE: I cant exactly go calling you great uncle john even if i still call jade "grandma". JAKE: Has a ring to it though! Great uncle john! Its all folksy like poppop crocker. JOHN: that's right, i was jane's grandpa in your universe, i guess. JOHN: which is also weird to think about. JOHN: and i was sort of everyone's dad, by mixing our slimes. JOHN: so it keeps getting more outrageous. JOHN: as for knowing how to act from movies... JOHN: i didn't even grow up alone, and i think sometimes i have that problem. JOHN: you want your life to make sense that way! JOHN: but real life is a lot more complicated sometimes. JAKE: Yeah!! JAKE: God yes it is. ESPECIALLY when it comes to romance. Good grief. JOHN: i know! JOHN: the movies make it look like it's essential or something, when usually in real life it mostly seems to cause trouble. JOHN: but you can't get a good ending otherwise, unless you accomplish that and a bunch of other arbitrary criteria. JOHN: most of which we haven't accomplished ourselves, but i think we're going to get a good ending anyway. JOHN: still it can mess with your head. JOHN: real life is not like the movies, that's for sure. JAKE: Its hard to have a romance going when your life is constantly under threat by skeleton monsters. JAKE: Also your first time seeing another person in ten years and your first boyfriend happen on like the same day. JOHN: see, that's how it happens in the movies sometimes. JOHN: the main characters meet up and get together right away, and i guess you have to assume it all works out, because the movie ends. JOHN: but when you're actually doing things it is not that convenient, you have to keep going. JOHN: although i hope we're going to get a break soon. JOHN: i would be happy for the credits to close on the constant heroics and dying for a while. JAKE: Me too. JAKE: I want a nap. Without an evil spider troll waking me up. JAKE: Movies also dont tell you how tiring the whole rigmarole of adventure is. JOHN: the main characters always look great, if fashionably ruffled, and they can keep going no matter what. JOHN: but i'm kind of tired. JOHN: especially since i've lived through the same hours twice in places i think? JAKE: You and your weird time travel nonsense again huh? JOHN: i will probably be mostly retiring that, i wouldn't want to cause any more trouble. JOHN: for now it looks like everything is turning out fine on its own. JAKE: Yessir i think were on the right path now and as soon as were done here im gonna take a long nap and anyone who cares to wake me up can throw down about it even if they are a hitherto-perfectly nice troll lady. Or human lady. Or anyone else. JAKE: The suplex of slumber justice is unisex. JOHN: that's the spirit! JOHN: we will all pass out and righteously beat up any one who disturbs us. JOHN: except hopefully once we are settled somewhere a little less exposed. JOHN: if we were asleep here someone might roll off. JAKE: But we can fly? JAKE: Where would we even fall? Towards the frog since its like a planet? Or... down? Were being pulled down by gravity i guess but how can we fall down if theres just space? JAKE: Would we float in our sleep? Maybe just get sucked back to the victory platform? JOHN: that sounds like a question for jade, she's more interested in how this works. JOHN: i told her science was dumb and boring if it didn't work the way i wanted, which made her upset, but i guess i got what i wanted. JOHN: so hah. JAKE: So science works how you want now? JAKE: Are you ganking my power set young man?? JOHN: not all of science, just space and time i guess. JOHN: and all of the scientific laws i am violating with my wanton displacement of matter and energy. JOHN: what ever those laws might be. JOHN: i am not a scientist or lawyer. JOHN: or science lawyer. JAKE: You fiend. Ah well as long as you dont go abusing your power im sure nothing terrible will happen. Like you flap your windy hood and cause a hurricane down south like an errant butterfly of causality. JOHN: well, i sort of lured lord english here, but i had to to save calliope, and we had to fight him anyway, so hopefully you can let that slide. JOHN: like i said, i will be taking it easy from now on. JAKE: I hear you there. Im over here asking myself do i even want to go wandering around this wonderland of dreaminess or do i just want to curl up over in that edge of the lily pad and have a nice snooze? JAKE: You know i can nap almost anywhere. I consider it a talent. JAKE: I have fallen asleep on clear grassy hills except thats probably not a good thing because centaurs can track through at any moment and they arent too careful about where they step! JOHN: jade was like that too! JOHN: although it MIGHT have partly been a troll messing with her brain again? JOHN: trolls sure are meddlesome. JOHN: anyway, this is probably our last chance to explore the dream bubbles, so maybe hold off on the naps until later. JOHN: also, centaurs? JAKE: Centaurs! JAKE: Oh yeah did i never say my island was full of alien monsters? JAKE: Because my island was full of alien monsters. JOHN: wow, your life actually WAS like a movie. JOHN: no wonder it was tempting to see yourself as an action hero. JOHN: everyone else had such weird and dramatic childhoods. JOHN: i don't have many bragging rights but JOHN: i liked mine. JOHN: i guess i'm one of the people that actually... left something ok behind? JOHN: but that's fine! because there can be ok things in the future too. JOHN: or hopefully more than ok. JAKE: I hope so. JAKE: I mean most things would probably be better than having to keep an eye out for monsters while walking to the pantry for canned friggin beets. JAKE: Not that i couldnt handle myself but beets arent worth that much. JOHN: bluch, no. JOHN: jade kept trying to make us eat our vegetables. JOHN: it was terrible. JOHN: she doesn't even know about lunchables. JAKE: My grandma ONLY stocked veggies. JAKE: And this weird stuff called spam. JOHN: i think our jade would probably have a heart attack if she saw spam. JOHN: although she does like raw beef these days. JOHN: which is a little alarming if you see her eat it. JAKE: I think she mostly included it as a courtesy to me and also i dont think theres many other great ways to keep meat. JAKE: So i hunted! Hopefully most of those creatures were edible and i didnt give myself any weird diseases. JOHN: the rest of you were like man versus wild! JOHN: including dave and rose kind of, even though they lived in real houses. JOHN: i will have to catch up if we are in some sort of survivor situation in the new universe. JOHN: i'm not really sure how that will pan out. JAKE: Youll be fine. Well watch your back! JAKE: Dirk will probably like. Invent a house if you give him long enough. JAKE: Just stick with jane and youll be fine. Shes kind of like you in that she also had a pretty cushy upbringing if you count out the assassination attempts. JAKE: Not that i hold it against her anything. We all take our lumps as theyre given. I mean she also has a dead grand- JAKE: Wait a minute. JAKE: Did you say you were...? JAKE: *Suspicious squinting.* JOHN: what? JAKE: Janes... JAKE: Poppop? JOHN: i... guess so? JOHN: that would make sense, she was my nanna. JOHN: oh man, was i also crushed to death by a flying baby? JOHN: that would be so undignified. JAKE: But hold the damn phone!! JAKE: You were ALSO jades brother in my timeline! JAKE: So if you were siblings and youre also janes poppop... JAKE: Would that make her and i... related?? JOHN: um... JOHN: not genetically? JOHN: but i think you were adopted siblings in our world. JAKE: !! JOHN: she grew up with a brother under a wicked alien queen. JOHN: which was betty crocker! JOHN: and the troll empress. JOHN: it is all connected. JAKE: So we were always family! JAKE: Gosh shell be so surprised to find out i bet. Just over the moon. JOHN: who doesn't want more family? JAKE: Of course! Good gravy aint that just like a movie. So many of us grow up without any family to speak of and we find out we were all family all along! JAKE: Consarnit id even call that some kind of irony. JOHN: at least it's a pretty crazy coincidence. JOHN: except since skaia set it up that way it's not a coincidence at all. JAKE: The chilly wind of fate whips through our unshielded undercarriages. JAKE: Get out of there skaia that zone is closed for business! JAKE: Its not enough to be whipping round my legs its gotta go and nab my shorts too... JAKE: Well ive had the last laugh. Ive got PANTS now! AND family! HAH! JOHN: well, fate or coincidence or whatever, I'M happy about it. JOHN: and i think both pants and family are important.

[swampgallows]

therapy today went okay but i feel like i talked too much lmfao. i passed out around like 10pm and now im awake again and uhh hmmm ngngngghghhhmhm

also she asked me like “find out what you wanna get out of therapy and then we can set some goals” lmao i wanna GET FIXED 

i dunno if i am actually mentally ill or if it’s just my mom/environment or if i’m neurodivergent somehow or if i need medication or whatever the fuck it is, i just know that it’s not normal to feel okay one day and then have some minor thing happen that catapults me into feeling suicidal. im doing better lately but that’s why i signed up for therapy NOW because i know when im feeling good i get this delusion of like “haha see i never needed it at all :)” and then some little fucking thing happens (or nothing happens) and suddenly i cant get out of bed for three days. i told her that i think it’s more than my environment because even when i was busy at work and even when i was busy and away from home in college i had extremely persistent and severe depression, got into several different overlapping abusive relationships, nearly failed my classes one semester, and then i got hit by a car, was in a wheelchair for 6 months, then had our car hit by a semi immediately afterward. it’s time for new glasses btw lmao as i am still wearing the same pair that got scratched to shit and annihilated in the accident. lmfao The Accident™

this is a pic of them from the night of the accident and the scratches have only gotten worse. id take a new pic but im in bed in the dark and whatever

the therapist seemed impressed with my psychology knowledge which was kind of discomforting, in a way. i guess im just so used to my own situation and people utilizing the internet to learn about their own head cases that i dont consider it novel to have actually done research. also because with my other experiences i felt like doctors would be dismissive of me as if i was trying to one-up them or something, like “well -I- have the degree and YOU dont” like, well yeah, im not sitting here trying to correct you but i am gonna use the terminology im familiar with even if theyre super special SAT words or w/e (like i’m gonna say shit like “comorbid” and “hypnagogic” because that’s the terminology i use all the time to describe these situations... i throw out “5 dollar words” all the time :\) but i think maybe by also having a video/verbal conversation w me that she knows i’m not sitting there meticulously typing up the most fancy schmancy shit i can find, flippin through a thesaurus like a blood elf nobleman vampire’s purple prose or somethin.

i guess what i wanna get out of therapy is uh

1. i dont want to be suicidal, which means 2. i have to build confidence, which means 3. i have to become self-reliant, or more self-reliant than i am.

she suggested, on the grounds of my mom giving me interrogation any time i try to go out on my own (hence me only feeling comfortable to go out when i fucking sneak out of the house or on the VERY rare occasions that she isn’t home) that i have a written list that i either give to her personally or write out and leave for her to read at her leisure of all the answers to her questions: where ive gone, when i’ll be back, what i’m doing, etc. the problem is coming home, though, because then she reads me the riot act of guilt on anything i did. if i go out and get food, it becomes about her. if i go out and do an errand, it becomes about her. everything i do somehow falls back on her. 

i explained to the therapist that even when i was still working—a perfect chance to learn to drive and drive regularly—i took the bus the entire time. but i’d have to be driven TO the bus stop and then take the bus to work, which meant my mom drove me to the bus every day. and my dad would talk about how good it was for MY MOM to have a reason to get up in the morning, and that it’s good for her because it gives her a kind of schedule or obligation to follow. so then like... my schedule now becomes HER schedule. and i martyr my potential independence of driving to work on my own in order to give my mom a sense of purpose. 

so...every day, mom picked me up from the bus stop, just like she had been for all the years i was in school. of course i never went out and did anything after (or before!) work; i never had the freedom. sure i could tell my mom partway through the day if i was staying late or going somewhere else, but my work was also in the middle of a canyon, five miles of nothing in either direction. if i missed the bus home, i wouldnt have another chance to go home for another hour. so having buses come only once an hour and then also having my mom waiting for me at the stop... it was just too much trouble to say like “hm i think i’ll go grab a smoothie before work” or “maybe i’ll hang with my coworkers a bit and go grab dinner with them” or “maybe i’ll start going to the gym after work”. i couldnt make any executive decisions about my own life. i think that restriction of freedom happens for lower income people too, since youre relying on a (notoriously shitty) bus service to get anywhere and you also cant just throw money around that often. i had a little slush fund to treat myself every so often but i didnt have the access to it. 

EVERY day that i was 20 minutes away from the stop i would have to text my mom the name of the stop (imagine, if it were “maple street” or something, my entire text message history with my mom just being “maple” “k” “maple” “k” back and forth for months) in case she had fallen asleep or was doing something, as the bus would sometimes be late or early or whatever. and sometimes i would delay that text on purpose to have the extra time to buy something from one of the fast food places located at my bus stop, then hide it in the bottom of my bag and hope it wasn’t too aromatic that my mom would notice and ask me about it. 

BECAUSE if i bought food on a day she made dinner, she would flagellate herself about it, and if i bought food on a day that she DIDNT make dinner she would flagellate herself about it. it’s HER FAULT because she doesn’t make food enough that i have to go buy my own :((((, so the one time she does cook i’m already getting food because she’s unreliable :((((, and shit like that, instead of like, just because there IS food doesn’t...mean anything!!!!! maybe i just wanted a certain kind of food that day!! But it becomes about her!!!! everything i do hurts her. everything i do. so i just got adjusted to just... not eating, or eating the same things over and over. eventually, when i was still working, i would eat nothing but a muffin until i came home. and if there was food, i would eat it, and if there wasn’t, then i wouldn’t eat. many nights i went to bed without eating even if there WAS food because i was just so fucking tired.

i dunno i kinda lost my train of thought but basically it’s hard to assert myself because i’m not confident because a lot of the time i dont know if im doing something right. it reminds me a lot of the scene in tangled where rapunzel fucks up and something bad happens to her and her mom catches her in the act, and she uses that to reinforce rapunzel’s dependence on her. like obviously my mom isn’t abusive like that but it makes me afraid to fail and even MORE afraid to even try, because i know that if i DO fail--whatever it is--it will just be more evidence for why i should have just asked her or had her do it. and more evidence, to me, of why im worthless and shitty and incapable of doing anything.

like the other day my mom wanted me to follow her in a separate car to a car place to drop off the car she was driving, and then we’d go home together in one car. but she wanted me to do it at 9 in the fucking morning and let me know two days beforehand. i had been going to BED at like 7am at the time so i was already like ‘man this is gonna suck’. but i was still up in the morning and was getting ready to take a shower, iw as on time, but my mom said “i can tell how tired you are and how nervous you are about doing this so you know what dont worry about it. go back to bed.” and it was really shitty for me because YEAH i was super tired and YEAH i didnt feel like i was capable of driving by myself at that moment, like i probably COULD HAVE if it were an emergency, but my mom talked about doing all this shit afterward like going on a shopping trip and stuff and BASICALLY it’s less that i was afraid of the driving but more that i knew the errand wouldn’t end there. and i had gotten zero sleep and just didnt wanna fucking do it, i didnt wanna have a “girl time :)” outing with my mom, and i knew i’d basically get trapped into hanging out with my mom if i went. so i stayed home. but then that’s also a blow to me because stupid fucking worthless idiot that i am cant even drive ten miles in a fucking car, or whatever, useless leech living with my parents contributing nothing, unemployed for a year, blah blah blah. stupid fucking neet should have never been born etc etc etc

she took an uber home and had glowing reviews about the experience and that’s great for her but the guilt made me throw up because i couldnt even do this minuscule thing. so like, if i DO hand her a note and say “here’s all the shit im going to do, BUH BYE” and some shit happens, or i dont get what i need done, or i dont have a fully developed plan of what i’m doing, then it’s gonna be more ammunition toward what a useless piece of shit i am. like, i dont have good food to eat at the house, but i also have NO APPETITE so nothing sounds good, so i cant even think of what foods i would get if i could. it’s such a jarring opportunity that i would just like...not get anything at all and go home. even when i -did- have the opportunity i just went “Uhh umm uhhh fuck uhhh milk” and got that (AND THEN MY MOM CAME HOME W 2 GALLONS OF MILK FROM COSTCO, SO OF COURSE I -DID SOMETHING WRONG-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I JUST LEFT IT UP TO HER INSTEAD OF DARING TO DO SOMETHING MYSELF I WOULDNT HAVE LOOKED LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT AND ENDED UP WITH 3 GALLONS OF MILK AT THE HOUSE) of course i drank the milk i bought, it’s not like it went to waste, but i was CAUGHT because there were now THREE instead of the one gallon covertly getting replaced. instead of me doing something helpful i did something that became an inconvenience.

it’s just little shit but it all adds up. it’s been all of these little fucking things forever and ever and ever, just like my mom’s hoarded garbage. “i bought just a couple of things”, innumerable times throughout the duration of my entire life, forever and ever, “just a few small things” over and over until it’s suffocating.  it’s just all this little shit all the fucking time and it’s suffocating.

naturally, the therapist sent me an article on “daughters of narcissistic mothers”. this will be a delight to read, i’m sure.