#'i'm only selfish and awful because i have anxiety!'

[iverna]

oh and in case it needs to be said: Elon Musk being autistic doesn't invalidate any of the criticism, and it doesn't excuse any of his nonsense, and it's not ableist to call him out on his nonsense or hope that his ventures fail. Being cruel or rude or an idiot isn't a symptom of autism and it's insulting to other people with autism to act like that's why he is the way he is.

[itsdingdong]

Come Home To Me -Drabble

Pairing: Jungkook x girlfriend!reader

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Warnings: Suggestive, Profanity

Word Count:: 1990

A.N: I didn’t specify her occupation. She’s a career woman. Unedited, I might come back to it, wrote it on a whim.

Song: come home to me by Justin Bieber

"I'm home," your boyfriend announces his arrival. It's your last night together before he heads off to serve in the military. It's been a rough few weeks for both of you, especially for him. You know he's not ready to leave, especially at the peak of his career. Not only that, but his career consumed so much time that spending moments with loved ones became a rare luxury. He never had separation anxiety, yet here he is, struggling to leave everything behind for two years.

He left for the gym a little over an hour ago. Deep down, both of you knew he'd rather have stayed and done nothing and everything with you. Sadly, the uneasiness became overwhelming, visibly making him look shaky and pale. You suggested he go out and blow off some steam, and he left to try that.

"I'm gonna take a shower. I'm so sweaty."

"Yeah, okay."

And there's tension. You know it's not personal, but it makes you nervous anyway. You're undeniably going to miss him a lot. No, you don't show it to him because he's already in a vulnerable state. He's been trying to make the best of his solo era before he's rid of one of the craziest highs one gets – fame. You know he's not ready to leave all that behind. How you see it is that it's a learning curve and a point in his life for him to grow and mature. That's what the military does to boys. They take a leap into becoming a man. That's one of the pros you can see. You're as obliged to wait as he is to go, so you stopped whining about it as soon as you found out about the enlistment. He needs your support more than ever, so that's what you're giving him, period. Maybe it was one of the things that gave girlfriends the wife material quality – who knows?

With both of your hectic schedules, it was hard enough to spend much quality time together. When you did, it was the utmost best. Those times made the whole deal worth it. Two tired people in need of love and compassion met in an unusual place and easily fell in love as literal soulmates. Soulmates with little to no time to spend. You just wanted to support him as much as you could. It wasn't like you were never going to see him during the service time, but you'd very much rather have him come home to you, even if it's just to spend the night in bed, sleeping.

Your chest has been squeezed tight since a couple of days back. You watched the V-Live he'd done while you were away, and you weren't happy about it. People wouldn't leave him alone with their uncalled-for negativity when he was extremely generous with his limited time to make people who supported him happy. From stans accusing him of abandoning Bam, his baby, to them following him around – which he got a scolding from you for showing his address.

He's a strong man, one of the toughest you've met. And he manages to stay kind, humble, and polite. Now, shit like this doesn't faze him usually, but nowadays, you're in awe to see how clueless and selfish people could be. They may not see it, but he gets hurt, and they are not the ones to pick up the pieces. And with that mindset, they wouldn't have been able to even if they tried. Despite everything, he did a final live to fulfill his promise. That alone shows how huge his heart is and how much he cares.

When done showering and changing into his sweats, Jungkook quietly joins you in the living room, a towel in his hand, drying up his shaved head. A small smile forms on your lips just by the sight of him. Damn, you're so in love with this man.

"Hey," he says as he drops himself down next to you on the couch.

"Hey," you say softly. His eyes look into yours for a moment, then they drop to the ground. He still looks sad, all puffy from crying too. "Come here. Please." He pats his chest, signaling you to hug him. Seriously, you don't need to be told twice. When you wrap your arms around his neck, he leans back, making you lie on top of him. You stay like that for a minute. Then 2. Then 10. Until you both fall asleep. It's a 20-minute nap before you feel him shuffle under you. You're so comfortable and peaceful in your current position to move or open your eyes; you just stay like that.

"I will miss you so much." The words come out as a shaky whisper. "I really don't want to go." His arms tighten around your figure. You don't want him to go either. It's on the list of things not to say to him.

"I know. I will miss you too, but I promise it'll pass in the blink of an eye."

He shakes his head before resting it on yours. All you want to do is cheer him up and give him all the hope you can for the following 18 months. To make him feel and know that everything will be okay. He's a mess, and you just want to rid him of all the upsetting emotions he's feeling right now. If only you could take his pain and stress away.

"We will all be waiting for you. I will visit you whenever I can. And I'll see you when you're home." If I'm here. You don't add that detail either. It's possible to miss him on his free days depending on your schedule, but he knows that already, and it's not worth mentioning at this very moment.

"I'll go see Bam as much as I can. I'll take photos of him. I know they will too. I'll make sure to visit your parents too." You finally raise yourself to look at his beautiful eyes. The well of tears brimming in them completely shatters your heart.

"I love you." He croaks, trying really hard to keep himself from breaking down. Though you wish he would if he needed to, but you wait and reply, "I love you more."

"That's impossible." He sighs into your neck, making you shiver slightly.

"Agree to love equally then?" You suggest playfully.

"Deal."

There's a brief comfortable silence after that. Your mind quiets down as you enjoy his warmth and strong arms around you. Eyes closed, you listen to his heartbeats as well as his breathing. Thankful to have him.

"Do you think I'll be forgotten when I'm gone? 2 years isn't a short time." He breaks the silence. His words slightly anger you because you know that it's impossible and you really hate it when he gets insecure like that when he has absolutely no reason to. But you know, no matter what, his worries are valid, always.

"Of course not. Who could forget such a gorgeous, talented, wonderful, funny, and caring man like you? I couldn't. Even if you weren't mine, you'd have definitely left an impact. And obviously you did because, like, ARMY, you know? Besides, you're really hot, if I do say so myself. Who could forget this face?" He smiles at your encouraging words as they warm his heart.

"I don't think I'm hot right now."

“Oh baby, how wrong you are. You look so hot even if you don’t feel like it.”

“I think I’m going to cry.”

“Sure, I’ll cry with you.”

“What? No, don’t cry. I’ll cry even more.”

“It’s okay to cry. I know you’re struggling, I’m here for you baby. I would prefer if you weren’t in such distress but if you are, let’s go through it. Together.”

Your words move him. He knows he’s loved. By millions and by the people he cares for the most. You? You’re different. You love him so honestly and care for him thoroughly, he can’t help but to feel extra grateful for your existence. He’s usually a grateful person but you make him thank whoever out there that’s hearing him a little more often. He knows you’re the one he’ll spend what’s left of his lifetime with. He’d marry you in a beat if it weren’t for your no marriage till babies rule. Which he’s okay with. But still, you just have to say the word and he’ll take you to the courthouse. You come second to his mother in terms of peace and comfort he can find in one but he’s okay with you switching spots when the time comes. You’re the safest thing that’s ever happened to him in such a dangerous world.

“You will wait for me, right? 2 years is a long time. What if you met someone?” You appreciate his honesty. Him being vocal about his fears. You appreciate that he doesn’t hide from you. All you wish is for those fears to vanish. There’s no way you’re leaving him. Ever.

“I will wait for you as long as you want me to.”

“I will always want you to.”

“Good. We have a deal then.”

-

“It’s almost 11, shall we go to bed? It’s going to be a long day tomorrow.” You suggest. He - technically you too - will have to wake up early. His parents were coming from Busan early in the morning to send him off.

“I’m not sleepy. Fuck, how am I going to fix my sleep routine, it’s seriously messed up.”

“I can’t think of a better place than the military for it.”

He pauses then laughs as it finally dawns on him. “How come I didn’t think of that?”

“You’re so out of it Jay Kay.”

“Mm, yeah. But I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.”

“Yup. Definitely. Also, we don’t have to sleep just yet.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I thought we’d cuddle a little.”

It’s probably what you’re going to miss the most in his absence at home: his cuddles,

“And a one last ‘see ya’ fuck before I leave?” Wiggling his eyebrows, he looks at you with a glint of mischief and lust in his doe eyes.

Maybe that too. God, he seriously has no shame… he was crying just now this little shit.

To that, you can’t help but to tease, “When you put it like that, I guess I’ll pass.”

“Babyy, please. You got me all excited and stuff.”

He’s cute. A cute guy that makes you smile. Always. Even now you are smiling.

His pouty lips look so plump and kissable. You’re so used to seeing the ring there, that it feels weird now that it’s gone. “It’s a good luck, ‘I love you’ and a please be well fuck.”

“Mm yes, talk dirty to me.”

But you don’t do that tonight when your bodies are wrapped under the sheets. Instead, you just affirm and make love to him like you want to make sure he feels all the love you want to give. Maybe for the first time in weeks, he falls into a serene sleep, snuggled into your chest.

-

“It’s time to go.” You hear someone yell. Time does fly whenever you wish it doesn’t. But it still does fly when you wish it does. You just need to allow it. Your heart squeezes a little but you try to breathe through it. He’ll be okay.

“Take care of yourself. Don’t get cold. Call me whenever you can.”

“I will do all that. I promise. I love you.”

“I love you. I’ll wait for you to come home to me.”

“I’ll come running, baby. Trust me.” He brings you in for a hug and gives you the quickest kiss allowed before turning away to say his goodbyes to his family.

You can’t wait for him to return but as he’s away, you wish him the best and in your heart pray that everything will be okay.

[seawater-aurelia-writing]

Broken { The Break; Chapter 2}

Pairing(s): Fem!MC/Yuu/Reader x TBD

Summary: MC awakens after her fall but the reactions of others make her spiral worse - but not all is as it seems.

WARNINGS

I am not the best at labeling warnings or triggers but I can say that this story is laden with neglect, self-depreciation, self-neglect, anxiety, possible depression and attempts to justify the above. There could be more labels that I can add but i’m unsure how to word them - so please exercise caution.

I liiiiiiiiiiiive! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ I restarted this SO many times and yet I could never get it to feel...'right'...So I hope this lives up to yall's expectations! Sorry for the bad summary lol

One last disclaimer though! I have not seen the entirety of Chapter 6 and I have avoided pretty much all content for Chapter 7 as far as i'm aware. So I may not have everyone exactly in character in new things were revealed for them.

When M/C awoke, she half expected to be in the infirmary as she was when she was knocked unconscious during the Magift Tournament. But the other half of her? 

She didn’t expect much. Be it the stillness of the void around her, or the library floor if Professor Trein left her where she fell – there wouldn’t be much difference. It's what usually happened anyway; She could handle her injuries herself if that was the case. However, she supposed there was some form of upside to being in the infirmary. 

If she was left in the void, how else would she know firsthand how she burdened and upset those around her.

‘It’s so late…’ She thought to herself, gazing out of the window across from her bed. She could barely make out the faintest shape of the moon – a crescent. Even the moon was smiling at just how pathetic she had to look at this moment.

“-C. M/C!” 

Why was it so hard for her to hear? Even as she turned her head slowly, moving her eyes to gaze up at the headmaster beside her, it was as if someone had placed her in a tub of mud. She moved so slowly, without much feeling other than a sharp pain as she tried to rest the side of her head down onto the pillow.

“…Hng..”

“Thank goodness, you’ve finally awoken! It’s been two days already! What on earth did you drink to cause you to create such an awful mess of the library?! You know very well that you cannot ...poultices as other students do because of ... Furthermore, I believe I ...use it for research not as ...a playground!” He ranted but his voice faded in and out as he spoke. But why? Why can't I hear him?

Only an idiot would zone out at a time like this.

Crowley sighed, clearly exasperated when she didn’t attempt to speak.

‘He hates that he let you stay here. Who can't do simple chores?He wishes he never helped you.’

“Once you are ...leave, you are to clean up ...the library. Luckily, ...the matter with you ...I can see.” He continued after a moment, his arms folding over his chest as he gazed down at her. Slowly, it became easier to focus but the ringing in her ears never  "Actually...Our nurse is ...but I see no reason ...release you myself."

“…Y-yes…sir.” She rasped, voice dry and hoarse from lack of use.How long had she been unconscious? But again, did it truly matter? But what did that matter? Clearly, the pain in her head wasn’t real and not a sign of something worse. Why should she expect something else?

'He wants you gone.'

'You're taking up space.'

'Stop being selfish.'

'Because you think you're worth more than you are.'

Ace, Deuce and Grim came to visit her that day at lunch just before her release but the visit felt hollow. They laughed and teased her for her clumsiness, even Deuce smiling a bit at the dramatics of Grim, but none seemed to notice the forced smile that M/C put on her face. None noticed how her eyes twitched at the sharp, spike of pain that formed when they grew louder. 

‘They’re only here because they’re forced to be. Stop thinking about yourself.’

'Just smile. Don't make a scene.'

When M/C had been released earlier that day, she was urged straight to attend the final class of that day rather than go straight to Ramshackle. 

‘Please let this go by fast…’ She thought to herself, letting Rook lead the way to their class as the pain in her head continued to grow. M/C closed her eyes for a moment, missing the way Rook glanced back at her and shifted his body to walk closer to her. 'Please...'

Yet it did not. 

MC felt as if she was on autopilot as she sat in class, sluggishly marking notes where needed and nodding along with the lecture but nothing seemed to sink in, no matter how many times she willed herself to focus in. Rook would boisterously comment on things, his voice jolting her to the present long enough for her to gaze at him and then the teacher before her focus waned once more.

‘You’re so needy.’ Why couldn’t she just move past her little incident? Everyone else already had moved past it, so it clearly wasn’t very important. She had no right to wish that others worry about her. They had bigger things to worry about, more important things to focus on.

Right?

‘Why can’t you handle this on your own?” Why couldn’t she? It was only one day just like the others! It wasn’t even hard! Ruggie had gone without meals more than she had! So obviously, she was just exaggerating. Vil had more things to worry about than she did including an actual career! What right did she have to complain about doing a few favors?

‘You’re pathetic.’

‘A waste of space.’

‘What good is someone who screws up a simple thing?’

‘No one cares.’

‘You’re replaceable.’

‘Forgettable.’

As class ended, MC prepared for her cycle to begin once more and so it did. Rather than go to  dinner, Kalim latched onto MC the moment she was out of the classroom. The pain in her head returned full force with his boisterous volume right beside her ear but she still smiled. 

He offered to help the next time she went to the library since he knew ladders were tricky. 

‘They aren’t tricky. He’s pitying you’

“Kalim, leave her alone. She needs to rest.” Jamil finally said after a few minutes, his eyes not leaving her  as he spoke. He almost seemed to study her before adding, “She isn’t looking well.”

‘Pathetic.’

“Huh,? Oh right! I’m sorry! Go, go rest up! We can plan a group dinner later!” Kalim practically beamed before ushering her away from the cafeteria despite Grim’s many protests and her own stumbling feet.

“B-But -” 

 But they were already on Main Street by the time MC attempted to speak. Why was she always so hesitant when it came to these things? She barely uttered a word in the entire conversation and despite Jamil’s eyes on her, it was as if she wasn’t really a part of the conversation. Just a figure meant to listen but not contribute. 

Always there but never meant to fully be there.

MC didn’t register her body moving as she went towards the direction of Ramshackle, her form practically shrinking in on itself as they went. Grimm was rambling on and on as he floated beside her, while she let her body guide her on a path she had now memorized. 

“…Just…pathetic…” She mumbled, one hand coming up to grasp at the other elbow. That’s what she was, wasn’t she? She didn’t stand out other than being magicless but even then people seemed to forget. No one cared that she couldn’t magically make a situation better, but they expected her to do it anyway. Just like no one seemed to care about her wellbeing but they expected her to always be okay. Thoughts of Riddle, Leona, Azul, Kalim, and Vil drifted into her mind - how each of them experienced their own breaks during the Overblots, how they opened up about what hurt them, how everyone listened and tried to help them. She thought about how Crowley actually brought in special healers and therapists just for them for weeks after their incidents and how they still have check-ins with him to ensure they’re on the right track. 

Where was that for her? Her body couldn’t produce magic, she couldn’t  Overblot to make others realize how badly she was hurt mentally, physically, emotionally. She couldn’t voice her worries because who would listen? Even when she tried to warn her friends about the smallest of dangers, they simply brushed her off. Her words didn’t matter; so why would her thoughts matter.

‘Is that it?’ She wondered, a sudden cold feeling filling her form. What if she truly was the issue? Why was she so focused on having her thoughts and feelings acknowledged when she knew that all others wanted was for her to help them? They are all more important than her pathetic emotions, right? They have a life and future here in their world and it’s clear she’s just an anomaly who may never return to where she was once from. Was she - overvaluing herself? Was it all-

“It’s your fault, you know!” Grimm yelled suddenly, directly in front of her.

MC stopped suddenly, a cold chill rushing through her body at the words. Her fingernails slowly began digging into her skin as she looked into Grim’s eyes. “W-what?”

“It’s your fault!! You know, I had to do cleaning duty!” He complained, his little paws resting on his hips as he scowled. “I wanted to pick up some of that discount tuna before Ruggie got all of it but I was roped into cleaning! Not to mention those creepy twins came at me about something you forgot! And you forgot the library today! I'm not cleaning that just because you're lazy and took a fall! You’re my henchman, not the other way around! Don’t be selfish! ”

M/C this. M/C that. Clean the weeds. Fetch my things. Deliver this. Talk to this person. Clean this, clean that. Keeping busy, always busy.

'It's for the best. They have other things to focus on-'

She stopped walking, her head hurting more and more, as if a little thing was smashing cauldrons over and over against her brain. Her heart joined the rhymed pounding so hard, she gripped her chest in a vain attempt to calm it.

"Stop-" She gasped but couldn't say more as she stepped back, her throat clenching.

'They are more important. Don't deny it'

'They will never care about you.'

'You don't belong here.'

“I know as the Great Magician that I am, that I need to carry the both of us since you're useless without magic but you need to watch it with the - huh? MC?!” Grimm continued, his tone shifting to something MC didn’t want to hear – something she couldn’t hear.

She backed away, one step and then two before rushing off towards the entrance gates of the College. Not once looking back.

Her surroundings blurred as she ran, not taking into account where she was truly going - just knowing that she had to get away, far away. From the Grim, from all of the others, from Night Raven College, from everything.She just wanted it all to go away!

'Useless.'

'Magicless.'

‘Selfish’

"Stop! Stop it!" She sobbed, her breath catching in her throat. Her chest began to hurt more than her head caused her to stagger in her stride. M/C felt herself tumble down and crash down a slope, the brush scratching her as she went down before she hit something hard and frigid. 

She sobbed as the thoughts continued to repeat in her head; Every overblot, every chore, every demand, every reprimand, every expectation, and every sign of disappointment. Why was she truly like this? She wasn’t good for anything but menial tasks due to her lack of magic and still she can’t do any of that right. 

“Make it stop, make it stop, makeitstop…”

She didn’t know how long she laid there, nor how long she was sobbing, begging and screaming for the pain to go away, for the thoughts to go away. The pain in her head only grew the more she cried, and as it grew  - so did that pain and tightness in her chest.

‘Useless.’

‘Useless!’

‘USELE-’

Until the darkness took her under again.

But unlike before - the chill of the darkness grew stronger and more intense until it was the only thing she was able to feel. Just as the voices were the only thing she was able to hear. Repeating their words over and over, in a hell that she couldn’t wake up from.

After what seems like ages, a gradual warmth began to seep into  the darkness around her. A spreading, far reaching feeling spreading across her body but oddly focused around her back and under her legs. 

‘What is…’ She wondered as another sensation came to her slowly, a rocking kind of motion accompanied by a lightness. It reminded her of the gentle swaying of the waves of Coral Sea but was swiftly ruined by the sound of harsh thunder reigniting the pain in her head. A flash of brilliant light flashed across her eyelids, causing her to whimper.

“Are…-ake, dear?” A familiar, deep voice crooned, not loud enough to hurt her head any further but enough for her to hear it clearly.

‘This voice…I know it…I..Why is he-’

‘You’re wasting his time.’

“Shhh, your heart…racing again. You…it’s Lillia…Focus on my breathing, little one.” Lillia’s voice soothed, as the rocking motion slowed - was she being carried? M/C registered the warmth tightening around her slightly as her breath quickened unintentionally.  “Shhh, focus…. You can do it. Think of nothing else but my voice and deep breaths.”

It took what felt like ages before M/C was able to focus on the steady rise and fall of her head in time with Lillia’s breathing. The ache in her chest lightened but the pain in her head did not, only worsening as she attempted to open her eyes. Another flash of lightning, red eyes and furrowed brows.

“It’s best if your eyes remain closed. The storm will only worsen the pain of your concussion.” Lillia remarked, just before more thunder rumbled. “ You worried us all, dear. Especially dear Malleus.”

“C-concussion? B-but I…don’t have a-” She mumbled, turning her head to hide from the storm before a thought flashed through her mind. “T-The library! I didn’t clean i-”

“You will not be cleaning anything nor doing any chores for the foreseeable future, little one.” Lillia cut her off quickly, his soft voice containing a firmer tone than she was used to hearing. “You are injured and have been pushing yourself too hard. Far harder than you should have.”

‘He knows you can’t do it. That’s why he said that.’

‘He knows you’re pathetic.’

“No, n-no I’m not. It’s fine. If anything I need to push harder, heh.” She forced out a laugh, attempting to lighten the atmosphere but Lillia merely sighed.  “I-It’s nothing really!”

“You’ve barely been eating, little one. Silver told me as such and I witnessed it myself; We were going to ensure you ate this evening but you didn’t show. In addition, you’ve been having more accidents than usual and have been unfocused. You. Are.Exhausted.”

“No, it’s fine. I just, if I just finish this one thing then it’s fine. I-I can clean the library super fast and it’s all okay!” She pressed, fighting the urge to cry once more. Had her screw ups been that apparent? She didn’t mean to; She was doing her best!

“But it’s never just one thing, is it?” M/C faintly registered the sound of his shoes upon cobblestone, were they back on campus?  “After this, then there’s another favor that’s asked of you, another assignment, another mess to clean. But – have you had time for yourself, little one?”

“…I-I do at night I have-“ The words trailed off as she tried to think of something. She did have time to herself at night but it was never for long, especially when her thoughts would become so loud or she would get those odd dreams of things she swears she’s seen but can’t fully remember. 

“But you live with Grim,yes? Who boasts about how tidy you keep your shared room…so I can only wonder how much alone time you get in there at all.” He hummed,and for a brief moment MC felt the brush of something soft and silken brush her face. Lilia seemed to shift slightly, curling into her  before the gently swaying became an airy sensation, like she was adrift but his warmth continued to steady her.

“…”

“And let us not forget that Malleus often takes his nightly walks in your area; Often alongside you, yes?  He’s told us that he’s seen lights on in Ramshackle as late as the early morning hours even after he’s escorted you home.”

“Ramshackle…isn’t my home.” She mumbled, her eyes growing hot and tears welled within. “This isn’t my home, I don’t belong and that’s why this doesn’t matter. I don’t know why you’re wasting your time with me; you have better things-”

“Do you know what’s the scariest thing in the world?”

“Huh?”

Lilia’s voice was low as he continued to speak, “Asking for help. You have to open yourself up and admit to yourself and someone else that you need help. That you need someone there to help you stand until you get your footing once again. There’s not many people who can open themselves up to doing that. Magically inclined or not.”

MC thinks of everyone who asks her for help. “No one seems to have that issue here…”

“They do love to ask you for things but not for those matters that are oh-so  troubling to them. Most would rather keep to themselves and allow their thoughts to consume them before they incite their pleas. Does that sound familiar?”

MC bit her lip, her eyes opening partially as her tears finally began to fall. She vaguely noticed the dim setting around them, but nothing was truly familiar as her tears blurred her sight. “All of you already have so much to worry about and futures to plan and…it’s just…better if I don’t ask.”

“And what, praytell, about your future, little one?” Lilia pressed as MC shakily used her hands to wipe her tears away.

“I…don’t think I have one. I don’t have magic so I can’t really….. I’m a magic-less student in a magically-based academy – how am I even going to use what I’m being taught? I’m just pathetic and worthless-.”

“Enough. I refuse to listen to you slander yourself in such a way, Child of Man.”

MC tensed as Malleus’s voice rang out firm from somewhere in front of Lilia and herself. She slowly parted her fingers, blinking so as to get a clear peek between them but quickly came to wish she hadn’t. She wished she could go back to that unknown area where Lilia had taken her from and just melt there where she wouldn’t have to deal with what was in front of her and the implications it all held.

Standing before her, in the main room of Ramshackle Dorm, were the Dorm Leaders , Grim and Sam with various expressions across their faces. -----------------------------taglist-------------------------------

@mamushroomoracorn | @sailor-pom | @secondb0rn | @honey-deerling-oc | @valerieelizablack | @hanafubukki |@houseoftitans | @butterscotch-babie | @thai | @alextheknight707 | @starshiningsirius | @vanrougette | @valerieelizablack | @cherrysamasama | @over-active-daydreamer | @tanspostsblog | @pineapple-coco | @silvsilvysilver | @diu0sanr | @amoresdarlene | @alankorex | @thehomosexualsupportingcast | @formerstands | @yourunsearc | @twst-rui | @StarryOne23

[fushiglow]

a short fic for the prompt: satosugu + first time

hope you enjoy the prelude to come get your honey. it's probably not as fluffy as you hoped, anon, i'm sorry!! satosugu trying to heal the rift using their bodies is important to the original fic, so i wanted to establish that dynamic here and i really love the result

still, thank you so much for the opportunity to return to this special fic 🫶 listen to 'my only love' by porij while reading!!

If Suguru hadn’t been awake, straining to hear them, the footsteps padding along the hallway would have been inaudible. Satoru was back late again. Blinking into the blue light of the alarm clock on his nightstand, Suguru frowned. At approaching 3am, he wondered why Satoru hadn’t simply booked a hotel. Actually, he wondered why Satoru bothered coming back to the dormitories at all these days. It certainly wasn’t to see Suguru, judging by the way he crept around the place as silently as the grave. It was a thoughtfulness Satoru only showed when he thought no one could see him. Suguru saw him though. Always had. He saw Satoru then and cursed all the times he’d pestered the boy to be more considerate of others. He wanted the Satoru from before back. He wanted the Satoru who wouldn’t have thought twice about barging into his room at some ungodly hour. He wanted the Satoru who would have crawled into bed with Suguru and held him, personal space be damned. But things had been different since the summer. There was a distance between them that hadn’t been there before, and Suguru didn’t know whether it was he or Satoru that was the cause of it. Maybe it was both. The pair of them had always been joined at the hip, closer than was perhaps typical for boys their age. Part of Suguru had always known, but he’d felt no rush to acknowledge it. After all, they were the strongest. They had all the time in the world. Until Satoru died. If Satoru hadn’t recognised the shape of the thing between them for what it was back then, Suguru knew he did now — he knew, precisely because Satoru didn’t come to his room anymore. It was such a Satoru way to care and, against his better judgement, Suguru resented it. They’d been given a second chance, so why had it driven them apart instead of together? Why, when Suguru wanted nothing more than for Satoru to be selfish, had he chosen to be selfless instead? The soft click of Satoru’s door in the hallway beyond echoed around Suguru’s brain like a gunshot. The terror of it was enough for him to decide it didn’t really matter who was at fault. A thousand nights spent staring at his bedroom door, wishing for Satoru to walk through it, wouldn’t bridge the chasm between them. If Satoru wanted to be selfless, Suguru would be selfish in his stead.

He didn’t knock; didn’t want to lose his nerve during the wait. When he opened Satoru’s door, it didn’t surprise Suguru to find the Six Eyes already locked onto him. What did surprise Suguru, however, was the rush of fiery want that burned through him at the sight of Satoru’s strong torso, all smooth planes and hard edges in the low light. It incinerated any lingering anxiety he felt. ‘Hey.’ Satoru’s voice was uncharacteristically soft, though he didn’t look the least bit ashamed by his halfway undressed state. ‘Did I wake you?’ Suguru’s gaze caught on the summer skies captured within Satoru’s eyes, twin pools swirling with concern and curiosity and something else entirely. His body moved across the room of its own accord. There was no resistance when Suguru brought his hands to those broad shoulders and pushed Satoru down onto the bed. There was no resistance when he climbed into Satoru's lap and seized that angular jaw in a bruising grasp either. Blinking up at Suguru, wide-eyed and unguarded in his awe, Satoru was unexpectedly docile. It fed shameful ideas in Suguru’s mind. He wondered if Satoru would let him take anything he wanted; if he could find the limits of this limitless boy. So, perhaps Suguru wouldn’t have said it if he cared about Satoru less than he did. 'Stop me if you don’t want me to kiss you, Satoru.’ In hindsight, he probably should have waited another moment — but Satoru’s lips fell open in a silent gasp and Suguru could resist no longer. It wasn’t Suguru’s first kiss, but he could tell it was Satoru’s. Not that it mattered when Satoru had always been a frustratingly quick learner — when he was enthusiastic enough to make Suguru preen, almost overwhelmingly eager as he grabbed at Suguru’s pyjamas, grinding their bodies together with a muffled moan. It was such a relief that Suguru couldn’t find it in him to slow things down. He chased his salvation with the same ferocity that Satoru chased whatever it was he was seeking in Suguru’s body. As they gathered speed, Suguru knew they were fooling themselves, but the thrill of falling into each other subdued all rational thought. Reaching terminal velocity, Suguru made a promise to himself. They would talk. Satoru deserved his heart and his mind as well as his body, and Suguru wanted to give it all. He wanted to give himself to Satoru entirely. Not yet though. Not when he felt happy for the first time in months. Not when it would only shatter the fragile peace he'd finally found in Satoru’s arms. They would talk. They would. Just not yet.

if you wanna submit a prompt or request, head over to my retrospring — make sure to read the guidelines first!

[teruel-a-witch]

so we know how danny has trouble falling asleep/sleeping next to his gf in s5 but easily falls asleep next to steve? what if he developed an unhealthy coping mechanism of falling asleep in steve's bed whenever they (especially steve) had a near-death experience or when he was worried about him because the sound of steve's breathing was enough to calm him down?

what if one day after his insomnia and anxiety got bad enough he just came into steve's room in the middle of the night, plopped down on the bed next to him and when steve asked him what he was doing he just said 'trying to get some sleep, what does it look like I'm doing?' and promptly fell asleep. steve could only say 'o-kay' because he noticed how exhausted danny has been lately and that was it.

from then on it becomes sort of a calming ritual for danny, they don't talk about it, don't do anything but sleep, they barely touch at all, except for a couple of times when danny puts his hand on steve's heart. steve gets that danny needed to hear the steady beat.

their holding pattern could have gone on forever except one of the times danny crawled into his bed, steve is actually dating someone. that someone is not thrilled to 'surprise' their boyfriend only to find danny in his bed in the morning. especially after steve told them he didn't want to see them the night before because he wasn't feeling up to it. 'i accepted how weirdly close you are with your best friend but I draw the line at you cuddling in bed together when he's clearly got a thing for you'.

danny feels awful and cannot meet steve's eyes 'i'm sorry i ruined things for you, i was being selfish, i'm gonna go'.

steve stops him, something is nagging at him, he realizes it's that danny hasn't denied his now ex's assumption. 'please tell me if it's true, because if it is, you are the only person i ever want in my bed. i'm not sorry i got dumped if i don't have to almost die just to get a chance to fall asleep next to you.'

danny can't resist interjecting 'as happy as i am with this turn of events, could you tone it down with almost dying please?'

'i can promise i will try anything for you, babe'.

that night danny sleeps like a pleasantly exhausted log, too happy and tuckered out to smack steve for smugly calling himself 'doctor sleep'.

[strwberri-milk]

Omg i loveee your writings sm<3

May I request demon reader who try’s to confess to kaeya of what she is but doesn’t know how to tell him because she’s scared he’s not gonna love her anymore and think she’s a monster when she’s rlly not☹️

Also make sure your taking care of yourself and staying hydrated, love ya!💧💖

i love demons ngl awefwiaofjaw my belovedssss

Demons weren't exactly unheard of in Teyvat, but you never heard much of them in Mondstadt. You were living a relatively uneventful life just getting by when one day, you met Kaeya.

The two of you hit it off almost immediately, so much so to the point that you thought you might have accidentally used magic on him. You quickly learned that's just how he was, and for whatever reason the two of you had incredible chemistry.

It didn't take long for him to ask you out, doing so in such an extravagant manner that perfectly matched him that you just had to say yes. The hug he gave you was so warm that you never wanted to leave, kissing you so tenderly it made you melt in his grasp. You had no idea a cryo allogene could make you so hot.

The thought constantly sits on your brain to try and confess to him, struggling to figure out just how to say it to him. You wanted nothing more than to come clean and beg him to love you still. However, the worry that he would say no to you constantly plagued your worries and made it near impossible to confess.

Eventually, you decided you just had to confess to him, laying on your bed as you waited for him to finish up whatever he was doing to join you. You link your hands together, biting your lip as Kaeya presses a kiss to your forehead, brow furrowing as he sees how anxious you look.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" he asks you, pulling you into his chest and holding you tightly.

"Anxiety doesn't look good on you."

"I have to tell you something Kaeya," you say softly, burying your face into his shoulder.

As selfish as it was, you wanted to try and savour every last bit of warmth you could before he would leave you. Your hands fisted into his shirt, kissing him desperately.

"I'll love you no matter what. I promised you that a long time ago," he reassures you, trying to calm you down.

"I don't know if you will after this. I'm...I'm a monster," you whisper, making his heart stop a little.

Kaeya doesn't know what you're going to say but he knows the weight of such a heavy secret. He doesn't want to lie to you either, finding it difficult to keep such a heavy truth away from the one he loves, but he had to. There was no way you'd be able to love him the same ever again.

"You will be nothing more than the person I love, no matter what," Kaeya replies, somehow holding you even tighter.

"I'm not a person. I'm a monster, a demon," you say breathlessly, beginning to push against him.

You're sure when you look up all you'll see is disgust on his face. You prepare for him to hurl vile words at you, be rightfully angry for all of the time he's wasted on something as awful as you.

However, when his warmth doesn't disappear you look up hopefully, timid and meek. You don't know what to do when you see his eye watering a little, bright with unshed tears as he bows his head towards you.

"I don't care. You've always been so kind, and loving. You being a demon doesn't change any of that. It would only matter if you were lying to me the whole time, but I don't think you have been. You've always been so honest with me."

You nod furiously, desperate to make sure he understands just how much you love him. He doesn't say anything else but just pulls you underneath him. He straddles your waist and keeps you still, brushing away the tears that threaten to spill down your cheeks.

"See? There's nothing to worry about then, right?"

He holds your cheek in his hand, thumb running over the plush skin as you continue to try and tell him everything that you can to try and come off as honestly as possible. He chuckles a little, trying to lighten the mood a little.

"You still love me?" you say after you calm down a little, almost wanting to smack the smile off of his face.

"Of course I do. That is, only if you'd love me if I was something you might think is a monster too," he teases, your brain not registering to the subtext of his request.

"Of course I would! I'd love you no matter what too," you say quickly, smiling brightly at him through your tears.

"I love you," you repeat, making him chuckle slightly.

"I love you too."

[heartbreakprincewille]

I think adding August as the next potential heir to the throne was literally the best stake they could have added to the whole Wilhelm Abdicating vs Wilhelm Continuing as Crown Prince discussion.

Up until August is summoned to the palace and informed of this change in the line of succession, Wilhelm is very much stuck in a limbo with his position as the Crown Prince- he has to conform to his duties, it doesn't matter(to the Royal Court) if he does it from an angry state of mind or otherwise. He has no choice, it's very much evident since we see him as the Crown Prince after Erik's death. Even if he would have accepted his position with grace, it would be just a less conflict-ridden way to conforming to the same, overriding fate of being the head of an institution he doesn't agree with.

But after adding August to the line of succession, Wilhelm has a choice. Yes, August is probably the worst person to inherit a position of power, but if we see it from Wilhelm's perspective, he can still technically give away the throne to August- he's atleast an eligible candidate in the eyes of the Royal Court. He will take his role more "seriously", he's actually willing and cooperating to their wishes and (it makes me angry though) by confirming that he's heterosexual, they assured themselves that there will not be any crisis in terms of future heirs from August. Wilhelm knows he doesn't fit into these criterias, and the only reason the Royal Court isn't willing to pursue August head on as the Crown Prince is that Wilhelm is still more directly related to the Crown- he's the son of the current monarch. And now he has a choice. He can be free- as he told Simon- to be with him, to live freely without any pressures.

And the best part? He still chooses being the Crown Prince despite everything. He knows that giving it all away to August when he has seen his power-hungry tactics will be unfair. Not only because what he did to him and Simon but just how awful and selfish of a person he is in general. You can see the gears moving inside Wilhelm's brain when August calls him to negotiate- he sees that how wrong it would be to give away the throne to a person who has no sense of morality besides for himself.

When Wilhelm's anxiety gets the best of him during the Jubilee speech, he sees Simon, Simon's "I really hate August" echoing in his mind, and he takes the podium away from August despite his crushing anxiety. August can never muster such grace and humility.

And that's why I'm really excited to see Wilhelm as a Crown Prince further because despite the overwhelming pressure that entails it all- it's his choice now. It's his narrative now. And also him being an openly queer royal is just the cherry on top.

[a-student-out-of-time]

//Hey everyone, Mod Bubbles here.

//I come to you today with some more real talk, the product of which is kinda heavy but also really important, especially for this time of year. It's about mental health, bad relationships, and toxicity, so if you'd rather skip it, I understand.

//But I wanna talk about this because it concerns a piece of media Timeline Anon brought to my attention, which has been going around lately (at the time of this writing) with a really damaging message. I wanna make it clear why it's wrong and you shouldn't pay it any heed.

//This one goes out to everyone with rejection sensitivity and fears about how others perceive them. You guys are actually cool.

//The media in question is a controversial comic called "Communication is Key", which...I mean, I frankly don't want to get into anything about who wrote it or why, I just want to focus on what the comic itself is about.

//It's one of those simplistic comics that's supposed to teach a life lesson. In this case, Green and Red are having a discussion about Red's behavior and how they've been avoiding Green because they're concerned about their friendship, worrying that they're coming off as clingy or annoying, so they haven't brought it up. Green points out that they've had this conversation before and that just because they've had interactions like that in the past doesn't mean Green would act like that.

//...And then Green leaves, saying they can't be friends with Red anymore. Green says, after having this conversations over and over, they can't be bothered to deal with this "toxic" behavior and the lesson is supposed to be that some people are too much to deal with and it's not your responsibility to change them.

//Twitter proceeded to rip into the comic's horrible presentation and message. And for once, I completely agree with that. I'm gonna count the ways in which this comic is awful.

Green and Red don't even feel like friends here. It doesn't showcase any kindness or empathy, no believable humanity and nothing about why they even became friends in the first place. It just showcases Green's resentment with Red's problems and then expects us to side with them because it causes Green issues.

Red's "toxicity" instead feels like serious rejection sensitivity, social anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression or some other serious mental health problem. That isn't a toxic behavior, it's a problem that requires understanding and empathy.

If someone is avoiding you because they're worried you find them annoying/clingy/toxic, the proper response to ask why they feel that way and not assume it's an intrinsic part of their nature. Nobody WANTS to have these problems, nobody asked for them to happen and nobody wants to have their friends leave them. Sometimes it's just a case of showing them empathy.

If you are this person and someone responds to your concerns about being annoying/clingy/toxic by saying "Yeah, you're right," and then leaving, you are better off without them in your life. They are the toxic jerk, not you.

While the idea of "you are not responsible for someone else's happiness" is correct, Green here has taken it to mean that you bear no responsibility for helping people you consider friends with anything. That is the epitome of toxic behavior, being a fair weather friend who's only around when things are easy and peaceing out when things get tough. Friendship is a two-way street and the people involved both should work to maintain it; having only one maintain it and the other benefits while giving nothing in return isn't friendship. That's more like parasitism.

Green's position is that Red should be the one to communicate, but at no point does Green suggest any alternative solutions like therapy, offer suggestions about Red changing their behavior on their own terms, or even offer sympathy for falling back into bad habits. No, Green simply cuts them off because it's too much for them to deal with, which is not only incredibly selfish, it's one of the most damaging things you could do to someone with rejection sensitivity.

People with these problems who avoid you or try to cut off their relationships out of nowhere are not being toxic, seeking approval or trying to manipulate you. They're often experiencing real fear and real concerns about how you view them, and so may be avoiding you because it's the only way they feel they can maintain a sense of control over their lives. It's unheathy, but that's why it's better to approach the situation with sympathy and compassion, rather than immediately assuming they have bad intentions.

Toxic people are far easier to read than you may think. They make everything about themselves, put your desires and your concerns down, exploit your friendship for their personal gain, constantly try to guilt-trip you and make you feel like you're the one at fault, never take any responsibility for what they do and how it hurts you, and then cut you off when you're no longer useful or easy to exploit. In other words, exactly like Green.

Mental health problems do not make you toxic or a bad person. People with those problems are more often than not the victims of toxic and abusive behavior, not the perpetrators. Mental illness gets used FAR too casually to refer to behaviors people don't like or find strange, rather than what they actually are: problems that some people have that do not define their entire character. They're people in just as much need of compassion and sympathy as everyone else.

I really don't know what else to say about this comic's terrible message other than that you should care about other human beings as more than just resources. They're people just like you, with their own lives, dreams, hopes, wishes, desires, fears, concerns, weaknesses and flaws. If you wouldn't want someone to treat you horribly, you really shouldn't do the same to someone else. That's something you should've learned in kindergarten.

//This comic's message is supposed to be that it's better for Green to cut toxic people out of their life, and instead the message people took away from it was that Red needs better friends. They are correct in that assessment.

//I have friends who used to act exactly like Red does, and contrary to what the author thinks, they can change and they can unlearn their unhealthy behaviors. It takes kindness, compassion, persistence and understanding, not to mention reinforcing all the good times you have with them and emphasizing those over pointing out how their problems make your life harder.

//I promise you, whatever problems someone else's mental health issues might cause you, the problems it causes them are far worse. Abandoning someone who's afraid of abandonment is not only cruel and hurtful, it will make their problems even harder to deal with by reinforcing everything they were afraid of.

//I sincerely hope the creator of that comic grows up and learns the importance of compassion over selfishness.

//And to everyone who struggles with these issues, I promise you, people like this don't deserve to be a part of your life and nothing they say about you is right. You are worth so much more than that and you do deserve to have good things in your lives.

//The people worth having around are the ones who acknowledge your flaws while emphasizing your strengths. They're the people who want to help you grow out of your issues and be a better version of yourself. And if you have the misfortune of encountering people who cut you off like Green, you can at least try and take the lesson of what to look out for in toxic people to heart.

//People are kinder and more understanding than they're given credit for, and you can and should be that kind of person for yourself too. Show yourself compassion when you need it and understand where you might've gone wrong, rather than constantly punishing yourself for every mistake. It's better for everyone, especially yourself.

//Things have been hard for me this year, but I've had a lot of great friends who've helped get me through it and I wish the same for everyone reading this.

//Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone ^^

[blimbo-buddy]

this fandom praises the most boring and/or awful toms for the worst reasons. no, fartwhisker the 2nd is not a "complex and interesting character" just because he did a good thing one (1) time

tree - he's interesting, in his own way, but that's about all he's got going for him. i dislike his entire thing with violetshine (violetzelda otp) and generally hate his whole selfish disregard for the sisters during squilf's hope, and his refusal to seek them out in tbc. i think he's a good father though, i just... don't like anything about him outside of that.

alderheart - boring as all get out. he's what you'd get if you took leafpool, made her a tom, and stripped her of all her individuality. also... sparkpelt should've gotten his arc. it's just the truth

fernsong - ohhhh i HATE this guy... he pressures ivypool into having his kits claiming that *he'll* raise them in the nursery... only to not follow through. he doesn't even hardly interact with his kits at all, leaving that to ivypool... i want to throw him off a cliff

rootspring - no personality, whines about how he's "so different and special", weirdly pushy when bristlefrost turns him down multiple times, doesn't take 'no' for an answer, and essentially overtakes bristlefrost's chapters midway through tbc out of *nowhere*, where suddenly she reciprocates his feelings apparently???? rootspring sucks, hate to say it! (i actually prefer nightheart to him. nightheart is more selfish and disagreeable, but he has his rare good moments too - specifically in thunder w/ frostpaw, i enjoyed their friendship. i hate nightsun though, whyyyyy cant those two just be friends)

thrushpelt - he's a nice character, and i do enjoy him for what he is, but his popularity is... confusing to me to say the least. he's kinda just generic, i guess, and i feel he gets *way* too much praise for it (similar to brackenfur, oakheart, or poppyfrost in that way)

100% I completely agree, the male characters do the bare minimum and they're praised for it and made out to be this great and complex character

Tree: His entire concept is interesting but it's all fumbled so fucking bad, I gotta find the post but I saw something that talked about how Tree felt like he was made to overshadow TwigBranch and I couldn't agree more. I hate his dumb fucking "What if MEN were OPPRESSED and WOMEN were SUPERIOR" backstory thing with the Sisters. And the thing is that the Sisters are a cool concept but they try and demonize them so bad, they're interesting in concept but in execution it's awful. I hope Tree dies actually

AlderHeart: It should have been SparkPelt, that's all I'm saying. Everything about his character should have been given to SparkPelt, I agree. Also nowadays to me, he doesn't really read as having anxiety. SMUDGE reads as having anxiety more and he's a background Kittypet.

FernSong: Let's execute him.

RootSpring: Kinda like Tree in that his concept is neat but execution sucks ass. "Waaah waah I'm ostracized for my ghost-seeing powers in a society that knows that ghosts are real and worships them, woe is me :(" I'll kill you. He should have died alongside BristleFrost and ShadowSight

ThrushPelt: I do like his nice connection with BlueStar but beyond that he's pretty alright. I don't hate him he's 100% a character that I'm pleasantly reminded of from time to time

[bengiyo]

Moonlight Chicken Ep 7 Stray Thoughts

So stoked about the final episodes of this incredible ride.

Last time, all of the adults got closure on their relationships, but only Jim felt good about it. However, Jim couldn't enjoy the moment before things immediately took a turn for the worse for him.

At Wen's encouragement, Jim finally went to see the woman Beam was dating. He realized that he was second, but the woman held no resentment towards him. She just thinks they loved a selfish person, and she's moved on with her life. Khaotung destroyed us with Gaipa's reaction to being formally rejected by Jim. First continues to be one of the best as he played out Alan's hatred for Jim. Li Ming and Heart had their first kiss and continue to be adorable. However, Jim was not enthused by their relationship, and Alan clearly tried to harm himself.

I wonder if the hand cast is from when First broke his finger during filming because he grabbed Earth too hard.

Again, the wealth gap appears. Alan has health insurance.

Wen is not happy about this new arrangement at all.

Chapter 7: My Heart Represents the Moon.

Alan going to stay with relatives, and not forcing Wen to take care of him, shows that he's maybe learning to not see them as a couple.

Oh, this beach date is cute. I'm going to have to go look up Somtum later to see what the regional distinctions are. I know in the US the fact that Midwesterners out sugar in grits is awful.

There are multiple layers of metaphor going on with eating this chicken. I'm caught up on Jim saying plain chicken is too bland and asking Wen to add some sauce. Isn't that what Wen has added to his life? And Wen says Jim isn't romantic.

Gosh, I love Gaipa and Mrs. Hong. He's clearly heartbroken, but she doesn't resent Jim for not loving her son back. She insists that their bonds as neighbors and friends are stronger than that, and is still willing to help him with the loan. She even still offers food to Jim.

Khaotung is incredible.

Au! What are you still doing here?? Oh, you're here to warn us about Jim's reaction to Heart and Li Ming dating.

Lookwa! I hope she plays Fourth's mom every time. That would be such a funny bit of casting trivia a decade from now.

Li Ming does not seem happy to see his mom at all.

Oh man, what has Li Ming witnessed of his mom's romantic history. He seems way too jaded about this conversation about a new man. Li Ming is being ground to dust by others' expectations of him.

And then Jim enters the scene. I really wish Jim would speak directly to Li Ming and stop trying to entrap him. I also get his concern about Li Ming facing the hardships of queerness, but wish he hadn't framed it through such a controlling lens. Also wish he hadn't loud capped his nephew, but don't think he realized his sister was here.

I'm glad they're having this conversation away from Li Ming because he would be furious. I don't want Li Ming going to live with someone who resents his queerness, and with a stranger he's already decided to dislike. Also don't like Jim getting financial help from one of Jam's tenuous romances.

I really like how Saleng has filled this role of older brother or cousin to Li Ming. He seems like kind of a fuckup, but Li Ming seems like he can talk to him. Frowning at him offering cigarettes to a kid though.

Wen sees Jim at the condo and immediately knows it's about Li Ming. I'm so relieved that Jim is finally talking about Li Ming with Wen. Wen can ask Jim directly about his anxieties and cut through the BS. Jim is gay, and as Li Ming's guardian, he needs to support his nephew.

There's the line about waiting for conservative dinosaurs to die again. We just had it in My School President.

Thank you, Wen! The kids have a right to tell us when they're ready. It's our job to love them. It's not our place to out the kids, especially to themselves.

As much as I like Jim responding to Wen's hinting that he won't chase him forever, j absolutely do not want them doing anything sexy in Alan's apartment.

"I don't want to be a good guy. I want to be a guy who has a lover." I love Gaipa so much.

Hate that we went from a long take of seeing Mark and Khaotung play off each other immediately into tragedy.

I am not immune to Khaotung's acting. I am crying and grieving for Gaipa.

49 is too young.

Not the version of First and Khaotung chemistry I wanted to see, but a funeral is a great way to reveal how interwoven our communities are.

When I tell you I cried again because Heart's parents have been learning sign language. It's not about villains, y'all. It's about trying to love each other the way we want to be loved.

See, and the flashback to Beam's funeral is so important. We've had BL shouting for marriage equality for over a year now, and here are some of the critical reasons why it's important. Part of why Jim is so destitute now is Beam's parents basically robbed him, and he had no protection to stop that. If you think Heart and Li Ming are cute and want to adopt them, then fight for their future. Help the older queers instead of judging them. We're all in this together, and we can't just let our elders suffer.

They really got Wen hustling for work at the funeral.

I like Jim going to see Alan. Alan also needs to appreciate some aspects of getting older as a queer person. He needs to reckon with the reality that Wen wasn't stolen, and that Wen didn't jump into a relationship with Jim, because Jim is also not ready. I also think Jim needed to make things clear with Alan before he could move forward because of what Jim went through with Beam.

And he's clearing things with Wen. Mike Frazier would love Jim.

Oh wow. Li Ming hasn't really seen his mom in almost 6 years. I get his reluctance.

This is the first conversation we've seen from these two not charged with their competing wills. I also had my first beer with one of my uncles. It's a rite of passage. You can feel the easy rapport returning now that they're not trying to fight.

Fourth is talented. It's honestly this simple with young people. Li Ming asked to be given chance to choose for himself, and immediately things have improved by showing him just a modicum of regard.

Funeral singing is always so heartbreaking.

Life is just not simple. Despite the rejection, Jim will care for Gaipa. Despite the breakup, Wen will help Alan. We are a community. We don't just abandon each other, even if our relationships change.

Finale tomorrow. Full faith that they stick the landing.

[heronpoxed]

I decided to re-watch SOA, idk why because I know how painful it will be lol. Anyways, I loved tara when I first watched the show and I love her now. I truly do not understand the hate she gets. I have my own theories on why she get's so much hate, but I'm wondering what your take on it is. I find it especially disgusting the hate she gets from many women in this fandom. They seem to hate tara yet give a free pass to all the horrible things most of the men on this show did, its wild lol

hii<33 i’m so happy you deemed me worthy enough to ask for my opinion on this topic lol

First off, don’t be hard on yourself for rewatching SOA. God knows I’ve rewatched it way too many times even though it always results in my anxiety and unease.

Anyway, I truly believe that i’m gonna get k!lled for this but still, buckle up we have much to discuss. Honestly, this is gonna be a long one.

SPOILERS for anyone who hasn’t seen the show till the end!

There are many reasons why people hate Tara and I’m sure you notice most - if not all - of them but at the end of the day it all comes down to misogyny, internalized misogyny and favoritism. As you said, they excuse every horrible thing that men do because it’s a men-centered show with very attractive male characters. Trust me, if Charlie was not conventionally attractive everyone would’ve hated Jax lol and it’d be absolutely laughable if anyone said otherwise.

It shouldn’t come as news to anyone how sexist and misogynistic most of the SOA fandom is. I’ve talked about this before and say it again that the fans of this show (especially women) are so quick to put blame on female character’s horrible behavior for the shit that male characters build the foundation for. For example, as much as I dislike both Ima and Colette it wasn’t exactly their fault that they were so present in the club life. It wasn’t as if both Jax and Opie hadn’t been more than willing to sleep with Ima. They both let her be a part of SAMCRO, which as a result affected their families. And then seeing both these men treat Ima like shit and even get physically violent with her was fucking awful to watch because they were the ones who had done the damage in the first place. Same goes for the Colette situation. Jax was the one who allowed her to sleep with him yet the fandom is calling her a wh*re. As if sex doesn’t happen among multiple people.

Disgusting and frustrating as hell!

People hate Tara for numerous reasons:

- they think she’s annoying

- they think she’s indecisive

- they hate that a wife tried to take the sons away from a father

- they think her methods were questionable

- ‘she had an out and she didn’t take it and now reprimands Jax for it’

- they think she never cared about Jax and didn’t love him as much.

- ‘she betrayed him’

- she knew what she was signing up for when she decided to date Jax

- she doesn’t own up to her mistakes.

- some of them actually hate her because they don’t see chemistry between Maggie and Charlie which blows my mind. You may think that a couple lacks chemistry but hating a female lead for it is a bit extreme, not to mention utterly misogynistic.

To me, Tara’s only crime was her hair in season 6 lol but on a more objective note:

Y’all see selfishness and betrayal while what I see is Tara prioritizing and choosing Jax over and over again because she’s holding onto the promises that Jax made to her (that he ultimately kept breaking), the idea of having a peaceful family and onto the bond that they had when they first fell in love (she says as much in 6x13). Anyone who says that Tara was selfish and never cared for or deserved Jax is completely out of line because if anything, Tara loved and valued Jax more that he ever did her (see: constant infidelity). The answer to why Tara didn’t leave until the last possible minute is simple: she loved him.

People also seem to ignore the fact that leaving Charming and giving their children a peaceful life was what both Tara and Jax wanted. The guy literally gave his baby up to some strangers FFS even after everything that he and SAMCRO went through to finally track Abel down (one of the saddest scenes on the show, mind you). Taking one look at Abel’s adoptive parents was enough for Jax to know that his life would only be harmful for the baby. I don’t see anyone reprimand Jax for that?!?! If it weren’t for Gemma’s non-stop gnawing and Opie’s death, he wouldn’t have lost sense of what he wanted since the fist episode(!!) - to give his kids a better life.

People accuse Tara of being ‘indecisive,’ saying that she willingly turned down an out when she had it etc. well let me ask you this: and Jax wasn’t?!?! It literally goes both ways. I could write a whole goddamn essay on this one. Tara couldn’t make up her mind on whether or not she should’ve stayed with Jax just like Jax couldn’t make up his own on if he wanted Tara gone or not. I’m sick of people ignoring that. Jax and Tara’s entire dynamic is this constant back and forth between their morals. People call Tara annoying and indecisive for this but call Jax ‘complex’ and ‘complicated’ and ‘conflicted’ while doing the exact same thing. Another case of sexism and misogyny.

When people say that Tara knew what she signed up for when she decided to be with Jax, they aren’t wrong. She did know. However, it was very clearly shown on SOA that despite being involved in a risky illegal business, this constant trouble and bloodshed was not normal for the club. The entire time Tara was gone, everything unfolded discreetly and with minimal trouble that never affected the families of the club members. Almost the entirety of seasons 1 and 2 Gemma kept assuring Tara that it wasn’t always this troublesome with them and Jax kept assuring her that he’d fix things. Tara just came back at a bad time when everything went to shit and kept going to deeper shit. What Tara signed up for was the promise that things would go back to normal because peace and discretion used to be SAMCRO’s normal.

To all those questioning Tara’s methods for taking Thomas and Abel away let me tell you this: while it was risky and morally gray, it was literally what Jax wished John Teller had done for him and his brother Thomas. If you rewatch 4x01 Jax says that John should’ve ran Gemma’s ass over, taken him and Thomas and gotten the hell out of Charming in response to Tara reminding him that Gemma wouldn’t have let them go. This, once again, comes back to Jax losing his sense of direction after Opie’s death. If Jax was okay with John ‘running’ Gemma over, then he’d also be okay with Tara doing the same thing.

So this is what Tara did, ‘ran Gemma’s ass over’ (in a sense) to get her kids away from that life - something that Jax wanted his own father to do for him and something that he himself actually would’ve done if it came down to it.

And don’t forget that it was the circumstances that forced Tara to consider being a rat. She never wanted to rat on her husband and the club. She says as much to Lee Toric in prison. And those saying that she wasn’t owning up to her mistakes clearly ignore or fail to see that Tara hated her plan the entire time and she was constantly at war with herself. She knew full well that her plan wasn’t that of a saint but she did what she thought she had to do. Her heart was in the right place from day 1 and if anything she was the one who got betrayed in the end because Unser, Wendy, Lowen - they all chickened out and left her to fend for herself in complete chaos.

People even prefer Gemma to Tara even though she’s literally evil incarnate willing to kill her husband to maintain the power that comes with the club. It’s all because Gemma is a w*t dream of every person that’s a victim of patriarchy. Most of the fandom believes that you only deserve rights as a woman if you’re badass like Gemma lmao.

We all know the entire point of the show I’m not gonna elaborate any further on that one. The scene between Jax and Patterson in 6x13 speaks for itself. Tara, as a character, served as a reminder of that point. People literally take Jax’s side over hers only because he is hot lol. Every single decision that Tara made in the entire show is literally backed up by logic and reasonable evidence within the TV show itself. Even Kurt Sutter was shook on the amount of hate that she got and has stated multiple times that Tara was always right.

However, it is also worth noting that most of us Gen Z are team Tara, which makes me think that the hate toward her comes from the more closed off mindset of the older generation (obviously this doesn’t include everyone).

So yeah, the answer to your question is misogyny.

Sorry for this enormous answer but I can literally defend Tara non-stop till the day I d!e. If there’s anything else you’d like to know you can ask me or message me any time It’d be my pleasure<3 and feel free to share ur theories. I’m very curious about them.

[gentil-minou]

Dang, I didn't realize you stopped writing ML analysis because some dweebs were raining on your parade and making fun of it. You wrote some of the best stuff looking at ML and I'm sorry jerks ruined that for you. Both you and this fandom have been robbed of something great because some people just can't let other enjoy things.

i mean there are a lot of reasons, both personal and fandom related. My work is very demanding, I had some traumatic shit that happened a few months ago I'm still processing, and my interests in fandoms go up and down over time, like right now it's pretty clear to see i'm more active in other fandoms besides ML.

But honestly the awful way the fans have been acting towards this season, not just in the way they rain on everyone's parade but also the way the bible and leaks have spread so far and wide. While that isn't the fandom's fault persay it's still awful. the fun of theorizing is gone when a bunch of people know what's going to happen, so naturally i just kinda stopped (then all the broadcasting bs that always bothers me ugh)

But I think the one thing this fandom hasn't seemed to realize is that it takes a lot of effort to write about this show, especially if you're an adult or a student who has other things going on. It's easy to leave a comment that hates on the analyses they write, and it's also easy for it to feel like a personal attack.

Think of it this way, so many people relate to Adrien and Mari, in so many ways. They can see themselves in them, even their faults and mistakes mean something. It feels incredibly validating for someone to be able to see that.

Take my Adrien has depression posts for example. Because I've had depression since I was younger than him and did a lot of the same masking behaviors he does, it meant so much to me. Here was a character who seemed to be going through what I was at the time and still struggle with today. It was so wonderful to see on screen because it felt like I was finally being seen. Or another example would be Mari's anxiety and ADHD which I also relate to so much, especially when it causes her to make some mistakes or handle things in the wrong way. It's classing anxiety-avoidance cycles, and seeing it on screen made me feel like I wasn't so alone. And I am sure so many other people felt the same way

And then there are people who go and say awful things about these characters on a post where you express those feelings. How Adrien is being a whiney baby or whatever bs they say, how his actions are a sign of him being selfish instead of all of the trauma and neglect he's experienced. Or how Mari's complex thinking patterns and behavior are relegated down to her being a stalker or a mary sue or what have you, once again completely ignoring the core complexity of her character as just a normal girl who was forced essentially to be a superhero. The pressures of which would be tremendous on anyone let alone someone with clear ND traits and traumatic experiences.

And people insult those fictional characters, so quickly and easily, without realizing the very real damage they are doing to the very real people who see themselves in them. I've talked so much about why I love sentiadrien because i can see some of my struggles in that storyline, and then to have people say that no it doesn't matter because my experiences aren't as important? that it's invalid because there's only one right way to experience trauma? that im wrong for finding solace in it? it's awful, and it puts me down.

i shouldnt be feeling invalidated when im watching my comfort show, i shouldn't spend days writing very careful posts only to get them shat on by insensitive comments. as much as i want to ignore them and focus on the good i do and the fun i get from it, it still feels like a stab through the chest every time.

and then there are the people who say i'm an awful therapist because they don't agree with my analyses. that's the worst, and while i won't go into details about why this particular statement brings me so much pain, i just need folks to understand that it's genuinely one of the worst insults i've ever had. and if everytime i write something i have second guess myself, and then second guess if i even have the skill and talent for the field i'm in, it just becomes a horrible spiral. people make these comments like they're the easiest thing in the world to say and it just boggles my mind, because although they may have forgotten their stupid little tag i certainly haven't. i hold them deep in that dark part of my brain where the whispers are loudest and hardest to control.

ultimately, the last few months i wanted to remind myself why i like this show and this website in the first place, and that i'm doing it for me. life is hard enough, if i can't have fun in the one place i can control then what's the point? so i will control my own experiences within this fandom, even if other's want to rain on it

[moshieee-but-evil]

This is an oops moshie got emotional moment ~

don't mind me and just scroll on past but it's not like I can stop you just use your judgement

Make sure to read the tags first though

(my problems are mine and I just need to write and put them out there to process everything you don't need to do anything)

I want to be viewed as kind and to be kind to others don't get me wrong

...

Is it strange sometimes I worry people only see me as a kind person?

But... Does being kind count as a personality when it's the only thing to me, is that all I have to me?

And that makes me concerned, if i don't have a personality... does that mean I'm even fully a person?

This is how my anxiety works it digs into one thought and starts spiraling, maybe that's why I'm so good at picking up on small details... details that sometimes don't even mean anything

when talking to other people I try my best to choose my words carefully like they have the same problems

That's cute, it's fine, i'm fine...

Just a few of the words I try to avoid because they've hurt me in the past, even though I know not everyone has the same issues

I worry that if I choose a wrong word I could make others start to spiral as well, or that they'll dig into it and notice something is wrong

I try to treat everyone like they have the same kind of worries I do if not more, even though I know we're all different

Perhaps that's why I worry that they'll worry, about me if I make the slightest slip up, but I don't want to force my problems or emotions onto other people...

I grew up with two parents who did that constantly as I grew up and I know how awful that feeling of being trapped in trying to... In needing to help others is, I don't want that for anyone

I worry that if I let people care for me, to listen to my problems or try to help I'll be like my parents...

And even though I know people care about me, my brain sometimes tells me I won't get reassurance, and it will just hurt if I'm ignored, or just unnoticed

It makes me feel entitled when I make a small slip up and I feel hurt by it going unnoticed, which is selfish of me

People have no way of knowing, and I don't want them to worry and look into everything I say, I don't want to make this difficult for people who care, and yet I still do this...

Either way I don't know what I want, I don't even know what I want by saying this, perhaps to get it out of my head so I can look at my thoughts better, like if I was trying to reassure another person, to give them advice...

I don't know if I want reassurance or to be ignored because both feel awful, other people already have so many problems they need to deal with, they shouldn't have to deal with me being whiny about my feelings

I'm sorry if you decided to read this and it makes you feel like you need to reach out please please PLEASE know it's not necessary.

I won't stop anyone doing what they want. but do not, do it out of a feeling of obligation

And now that I got that out of my system, let's just move on!

I like keep things positive and I'll do my best to sort this out myself after all it's the reason I have a therapist!

Have a wonderful day everyone I love yall :D

[thecascadefox]

The Shadow preview has summoned me

Time to expand on how I want Thunder the obligatory traveling book to pan out. My hopes for Frostpaw and Nightheart are here.

I think it's inevitable now that if Nightheart is the warrior who goes on the quest with Frostpaw, then Sunbeam, Sparkpelt and Finchlight will go after them since they're on the cover together. Their goal will be to get Nightheart back and, I'm sorry, make amends with him. BUT HERE'S HOW THEIR CHARACTERS CAN STILL BE SAVED!!!!!!!

Everything involving Nightheart here will only be interesting to me if Nightheart matures and grows as a character the way I said I wanted him to in the previous post so go read that.

Let's start with Finchlight since so far she's an accessory character to Sparkpelt and Nightheart but I think they could expand what she does have. Have Finchlight be someone who looks at the big picture, the effect the actions of herself and others have on the clans. This makes her very selfless while also causing her to hold others to her standards without thinking of how they'll feel first. This can explain why she brings up work when trying to get Nightheart to come home and brushed off his frustrations with having all the apprentice duties before that.

Imagine Finchlight being selfless to the point where she doesn't want to bother others with her problems, especially her mother who is the only cat who's feelings she is acutely aware of. Nightheart's selfishness and unwillingness to give Sparkpelt a chance frustrates her because it's obvious how much their mother has suffered and she doesn't understand how Nightheart won't make things easier for her the way she has. Finchlight can't really find it in herself to value Firestar's legacy the way Sparkpelt and the rest of Thunderclan do, but she pretends to to make them and her mother feel better. What really hurts her is the more immediate family she's lost. She never knew Larksong and has always felt like something was missing. When Nightheart leaves and that feeling grows, she realizes it's Flickerkit.

But talking about them hurts Sparkpelt, so she doesn't. But at some point during the journey she breaks down and argues with Sparkpelt, admitting everything. This conflict could either be resolved during the fight or sometime later, after they've both cooled off and Sunbeam perhaps mediated for them, and Sparkpelt tells Finchlight about her father.

Speaking of Sparkpelt she's had it pretty rough right? Two of her siblings died as kits, one being old enough for her to remember. Her surviving brother was a bundle of anxiety when they were young and she was most of his emotional support. Her father is awful to her mother and she's been the only cat to ever call him out. Her mate and one of her kits died right after she gave birth. Her PPD made it difficult to connect to her surviving kits. Her dad got his body snatched by her mom's crazy ex who then tried to kill her, successfully getting her mauled by dogs. One of her kits refused to go with her when she was exiled but blames her for her absence and now he's rejected his family completely and run away to another clan.

No wonder she would value Firestar's "legacy". Growing up hearing glorified versions of his life and being constantly favorably compared to him both for her appearance and natural talent may have been both a source of comfort and pressure to live up to him as her living family seems to spiral out of control. When Nightheart rejected Firestar, it felt like he had rejected her twice. She desperately wants to get him back, for things to stop falling apart, even if she doesn't think he will give her the chance. This turns into her blaming herself.

Sparkpelt isn't an apprentice anymore. She knows that Firestar couldn't have been the perfect model of a Thunderclan warrior the elders make him out to be. He was a brave and noble cat who gave his life to save the clans but he was also born a kittypet who felt rejection, fear, pain and loss just like any cat has. The life of a warrior has never been easy but it's a fantasy that kept Sparkpelt going in her younger moons and she hoped it could be a reality for her kits in the wake of Ashfur's defeat. She finally confronts this part of herself in her argument with Finchlight and is ready to look at herself separate from a cat she never met.

She faces the past, her past, by having a quiet conversation with her daughter about Larksong. Even though it's hard at first, and Finchlight tries to tell her they can talk about it later, she continues. She tells Finchlight about the funny time he fumbled catching a pigeon and the wistful look on his face when they'd brainstorm kit names, the same look he had when naming Flickerkit. She tells Finchlight that Flickerkit had the same fur she does. She feels herself begin to heal.

Sparkpelt knows she has tried her best to be there for her kits. That things outside of her control have kept her from always being there for them. She is ready to speak her piece to Nightheart, but whatever choices he makes will be his own.

I didn't forget about Sunbeam! I like this post about Sunbeam's behavior falling into the rule of three and hope it comes to pass. Sunbeam gives Nightheart a chance but his selfish reason for claiming they're mates and how little they actually know each other bubbles over until the end of Shadow where there's a pretty noticeable breakup. Berryheart will be like "I told you so!" and suddenly half of Shadowclan will question Nightheart's loyalty even more. This will lead to Nightheart going on the quest but Sunbeam will blame herself and want to go after him. The key here is that the story doesn't spin this like it actually is her fault.

Sunbeam needs to learn to value and trust herself and she does so by getting better friends. While both her and her mother are apprehensive towards Sunbeam at first, Finchlight bonds with Sunbeam and becomes a better friend to her than Lightleap, Blazefire and even Nightheart ever were. Finchlight cares about Sunbeam. She doesn't find her dull or put her or herself into danger. She doesn't use her for self centered reasons. Through her Sunbeam learns that she is worth more than that and Finchlight learns to be more open with other cats.

Sparkpelt is a slightly different story. She doesn't trust cats outside of Thunderclan. It's not a secret and has been shown in multiple scenes since she became a warrior, including towards her own apprentice Twigbranch. In a way, Sparkpelt reminds Sunbeam of her mother. But unlike Berryheart, Sparkpelt's distrust comes just from being raised in clan culture rather than a traumatic event. Sunbeam is more willing to stand up to her than Berryheart and becomes more confident in what she believes in. I think it would be interesting for Sunbeam, an outsider, to point out to Sparkpelt that the ancestor she admires was a kittypet. Perhaps in a scene where they need the help of one. Unlike Berryheart, Sparkpelt grows willing to listen to her.

As they travel, Sparkpelt starts to like Sunbeam and become supportive of the code changes, accepting the idea that her son might never want to return to Thunderclan. Like her, Sunbeam stops blaming herself for Nightheart's actions. The way he cornered her into a relationship just to get into Shadowclan was wrong and hurt her and she will stand by that when they reunite. Sunbeam gains a better role model in Sparkpelt and returns to the clan with a clearer idea of how to stand up to Berryheart should she bother her, Spireclaw, Fringewhisker or Nightheart ever again and is willing to fight whatever battles that will inevitably break out in the last two books.

This being Warrior Cats, it's likely she and Nightheart will end up making up and getting back together. Even if Nightheart realizes he was wrong and tries to make up for his actions I don't know if I'll like that. I think it would be much more interesting for them to become friends instead as we haven't seen a breakup that hasn't resulted in resentment before in this series.

Anyway that's all the ideas I have for this for now. If Sunbeam feels a little sparse it's because for Finchlight and Sparkpelt I had to build character arcs beyond Nightheart's "wah they mean to me" shtick while I like Sunbeam's arc on it's own so far. If you have your own ideas or want me to think about any of this more feel free to tell me! I'm gonna go make more fanart for a book that isn't out yet.

[lastoneout]

So the vet gave us some nausea, anxiety, and sleep meds to make the next two weeks more comfortable for my dog, you know just long enough to last until The Appointment, cuz he's clearly having a really bad time, but part of me was kinda hoping he might actually start doing better(and the vet said she thought he really might) and it's really sucking to realize they aren't doing anything at all.

(readmore cuz this got very sad and long sorry)

'Cuz so far the nausea meds seem to be making him throw up more?? Or at least he's throwing up just as much as he was before we gave them to him, and despite him being on a pretty hefty dose of anxiety and sleep meds not only is he STILL pacing all night(which keeps us awake bcs it's loud) he's pacing EVEN MORE and I can tell the meds are doing something bcs he's clearly inebriated but it's not helping him sleep it's just making it so as he paces he runs into everything and falls over a bunch which is making tons of noise...

It's just really hard to watch, cuz it highlights how much he's suffering, and that's just the puking and the pacing, he's also almost bitten me(which he's NEVER done before) when I was just trying to clean off his paw cuz he stepped in the throw up, and he also keeps snarling at my fiancé and he's got trauma from a severe dog bite he had as a child so that's not ideal to say the least, and he keeps going to the bathroom on our back porch instead of waiting until he gets onto the dirt and like...I just am starting to wonder if deciding to put off saying goodbye for two weeks was like really selfish on my part?? Especially bcs every day I just feel so bad for him that I'm depressed and I can't eat and it's just awful for us both.

I wish it didn't have to be this way, I really do, but I think his health has really gotten to a point where it's effecting everyone in the house super negatively(on top of the fear of dogs being triggered my fiancé is a light sleeper and the constant pacing keeps him up) but like god then I feel awful bcs I shouldn't be thinking about making things easier on myself, right? Even if my dog's a burden I love him and I should put in the work...but yeah it's just...it's so fucking bad and I have no idea how ANY of us are going to survive the next two weeks and that alone is making me feel way more like shit than anything else.

I just keep reminding myself that I'm doing the right thing, not by waiting, but by knowing that it's time for us to let him go, because god I can't even remember the last time he wagged his tail or got excited or happy about literally anything and he can't sleep or keep food down and he's 13 so it's not like we can fix it(and even if we could I doubt we could afford it, we can barely afford his meds) and the meds aren't even helping and I can't keep putting him through all this just because of my emotional baggage.

And I know all of this is the price we pay for loving each other and it's so very worth it but god is it hard sometimes. It's really fucking hard. And idk why but last year with my other dog it didn't feel this way, I didn't hate myself or feel selfish, maybe because she was def suffering a LOT but also she was still...idk she still had her wits about her? We really got to say goodbye, like she was still there for us to say goodbye to. This time kinda feels like I'm keeping someone on life support despite knowing they're never going to wake up bcs I can't deal with it and it's making me hate myself SO much I didn't even know what to do.

He barely even recognizes me anymore, and I can't comfort him no matter how hard I try. I almost feel like there's nothing for me to even say goodbye to because he's constantly confused and flinches when I pet him and won't come near me even when I call him over and keeps trying to bite me when I try to help him.

I just wish I could help him. Or that I could like...let him know that's what I'm trying to do, that I'm still here and I still love him. But I can't even do that.

[kaija-rayne-author]

I finished Baldur's Gate 3 and immediately started another playthrough. Modded this time.

My polyam mod is definitely working and I'm apparently incapable of disappointing Karlach. So I guess I have a 5 way vs a 4. I was gonna Romance just the chaotic and evil leaning characters this go round.

Why do I have a feeling she's gonna end up hating this durge character of mine cause they're non-resistant? So, uh, probably gonna get my heart broken.

I've also been lovingly blessed with the flu because some selfish assholes seem to think giving immunocompromised people viruses is a great gift. /s (There are millions of immunocompromised people since covid, and even depression or anxiety makes you immunocompromised. I'm not a rare bird in that sense. If you're old or pregnant you're also immunocompromised. Surprise!)

I've been morbidly sick for 9 days and while it's slowly easing off, it's average that it takes me 6 weeks to fully kick influenza.

And our vaccinations were scheduled for this week. Because only older folks could get them before then.

I've watched Vox Machina during the days I could basically just stare at something, and gods, I really love it. Looking forward to the next season.

Hollyweird is finally figuring out D&D! It only took them, what, 30 plus years and gods know how many awful attempts at shows and movies?

Anyone know of anything else like it? I've seen the d&d movie, uh, 3x, and loved that too. (Yes, I'm aware of what critical role is, I have absolutely zero interest in watching them. Books, games, movies/shows, those I can enjoy, but watching someone else I don't know play a game I could be playing doesn't work for me.)

Anyway, sorry for the radio silence. I was sewing like a fiend for eldest's costume for Halloween. Partner has had both a major back surgery and a major mouth surgery just before getting sick. Then the kids and I got sick. The coughing is totally doing a great thing for partner's staples.

Yes, we asked the doc for tamiflu. No she didn't give it to us. And her secretary was a snarky ass about it. As if I ask for very much from them at all. Not impressed tbh. If I ask for something from my doc it's because I've researched it and feel it's actually necessary. I was pre-med ffs, and have medical adjacent degrees. I'm far from the regular person when it comes to things like that.

Uuuugh. Why can't people do others the simple gods damned courtesy of masking?

During the year most everyone was masking, everyone was healthier. Flu numbers were lower than they ever had been, cold viruses were low too. Why the fuck would anyone want to not mask after that example?

I'm historically sensitive to influenza for some reason. It takes me down hard and keeps me down for weeks. But even I didn't get the flu that year.

Why is knowingly getting others ill with your germs even remotely socially acceptable? Why?

Oh, right, 'muh feelings'. I have a panic attack every time I mask, and I still mask religiously every time I leave the house. I'm still always freaking sick because of other people's selfishness.

As a historian, I'll just say that this period of history will be judged incredibly harshly.