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celestialsonata7 · 11 months

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I can buy Pat being the crooked man and the energy corrupting him, but I don’t like how they treated the actually development that led up to it, does that makes sense? He is entitled, has boundary and anger/ jealousy issues. I can buy that, but his arc I’m not sure if it needed more time or if it was because of how sudden his change was or because you grew to like his character through the series.

I didn’t like how they handled the whole “he is always been evil and is impossible for him to change and any attempts to change are useless or another form of manipulation” I think the series does a very good job at showing his perspective and making you feel sorry for him at tikes and even empathize with what he is going through to just be like “oh, he is just evil and has always been like that and when everyone thought he was dead nobody cared and resented him for still being alive”

(I acknowledge that what he did was 100% wrong, he did terrible things Nicole was in her right to hate him and be distrustful of him. He is a very scary person because guys like him actually exist in real life)

Is weird because I’ve seen other shows do similar arcs to this one where the villain that turned evil due to their own personal flaws, shortcomings and issues and somehow still being unredeemable and dying at the end, but still the narrative being able to show them some kind of sympathy or acknowledgement/understanding towards their issues and still having them be unredeemable and die in the end. Sadly I don’t think Pat’s character arc had rbis.

How do you feel about the way his character was handled? Am I the only one who feels this way?

Hello Anon! Thank you for asking this! I could launch into a whole essay about what I think about this. XD So I think I will. Strap in, folks!

For those confused, this is pertaining to the Netflix series, 'Raising Dion', and contains MAJOR spoilers, so be forwarned if you plan on watching it.

(I'd like to premise this by saying it's been a hot minute since I watched the show, so I'm sorry if my recollection of its events is a little fuzzy.

I would also like to state that I freaking looooove Jason Ritter, and his perfomance in this show is amazing as always, and the reason that the character arc of Pat vexes me so is that I felt they did Jason dirty.)

So, I absolutely agree that it felt like his whole reveal was definitely rushed through, which is really poor writing on their part considering they knew where they were gonna take the character from the beginning. They had all that time to work out how they wanted to present the character and he still didn’t feel fleshed out enough. They just wanted to make the twist so surprising for the audience for shock value that they made sure we would never suspect him until the reveal. I can buy that people lie about themselves, they hide certain traits and motivations, sure, but for him to do a complete 180 of his character was just too ridiculous, especially when you consider how irrevocably determined and devoted he was to his goals once the reveal happened. Either he’s a hurting and desperate man who’s only doing what he needs to survive, OR he’s an evil being bent on making others suffer, you can’t have it both ways.

I think the main reason Pat is so unbelieveable as a character is that they kept flip-flopping him. He would CONSTANTLY contradict himself; "Dion, always listen to your Mom, BUT also let's have pizza even though she said 'no'", "Dion, only use your powers for good, BUT also let’s cheat at this basketball game", "Dion, good guys are always true, BUT definitely lie about using your powers in public", "Dion, I'm happy you got superpowers and can fight evil, BUT it definitely should have been me instead because I was there and everyone else got powers so I should have too", "Nicole, I like you, however if you don't feel the same way, I'm okay with that, BUT how dare you kiss other guys when you should be with me", like, it's not even bipolar, it's just bad writing. His motivations and desires are constantly changing that it just feels random and disorganized and done on a whim. It felt rushed and random simply because you never know what he wants. He wants to be a good godfather and friend to Dion and Nicole but no actually he just wants to kill them, but no actually he'd never hurt them, but no actually he'd do anything for power. It just doesn't make any sense.

People can have major flaws and still be good people, and people can have good traits and still be bad people, but these traits usually line up with a person's motivations, i.e. "I need to survive but I'll try not to kill if I don't have to, and if I do have to it will upset me because I still value human life. If there was another way, I'd take it but there isn't and that sucks", or "I value YOUR life because I'm attached to you but everything and everyone else is meaningless to me and I have no qualms with ending them for my own gain". You can't have, "I wish I was a better person except just kidding no I don't", it doesn't work that way.

You can say that Pat's motivation from the beginning, to the very end, was power; all he wanted was power, that was his end goal, that was what he always strived for, but then his actions should back that up. If all he wanted was power, why did he waste his time raising Dion, teaching him how to use his powers, helping Nicole, being a good friend to her, working at his job, hoping for promotions? Why not just go out and collect all the powered people at once, keep absorbing people, keep gaining power? You'll say, "well he wanted to wait for Dion to get stronger so he could absorb more power, he needed to be close to Nicole to be close to Dion, he needed the resources of his company to find more powered people", okay, yes, that all makes sense. If that was what he was planning the whole time, then that shows that he's smart and conniving. So everything he did was in service to that main goal; he helps Dion become more powerful so he can take all that power for himself. But he inadvertently creates his downfall, he "dies", all his power is gone, over and done with. Then WHY come back to "warn" everyone of another rising threat? You could say, "he wanted to get his power back", okay, but how? He no longer had the power to absorb people and he didn't even know he COULD get it back, he just knew it was still out there killing, and if he DID know he could get it back, why not go to where the power is in the first place? Why bother with going back to the city and the job and the people that would never help him in a million years? He KNEW he would be shunned and arrested and locked up forever if he showed his face there, and without any power he had no way of escaping, so why go back? He also knew they didn't understand that power either anyways; a superpowered eight-year-old beat him, not the highly educated and technologically advanced company, so what did he think he could gain from going back there? We already know he's smarter than that, if the above is true. By all accounts it doesn't make sense.

You could say the desire for power solely came from the crooked energy, and season one was all just Crooked Man-Pat, and once that was gone the true Pat came back, and he really DID just want to help and redeem himself, fine. But then he should not have been capable of reverting back to Crooked!Pat at the end, before the energy was even back in him. If all he wanted to do was help, then the concept of being powerful would mean nothing to him. The desire for power, the deceitful nature, the entitlement and selfishness should not have been there while he was "trying to help". You can't be selfless and selfish at the same time. You can't be forthcoming and deceitful, you can't be humble and entitled. All those things contradict each other. Again, it doesn't make sense.

Another thing that really really irked me while watching the series was that, from the very beginning, it seemed like Nicole never really liked Pat anyway. She was ALWAYS cold and distant with him, as if she already knew he was bad news even when he was "trying" to be kind and thoughtful. I don't know if that was a directorial problem or an acting choice but it felt so unfounded and random, and it made all the "nice" scenes feel forced. Not to mention Nicole was far too quick to just accept that Pat was evil all along, it just pulled away from their relationship so much so that it felt like they didn't even have one, like the only thing connecting them was Dion. Again, I don't know it that was intentional, or even if anyone else felt that way, but that's how it came across to me and it made it really hard to connect to either of them. Honestly, it felt like Pat had more chemistry with Dion than with her.

The only reason I fell in love with Pat at the beginning, and continued to route for his redemption until the end, was because, as stated at the top, I love Jason Ritter. I've seen many of his roles and applauded all his performances and so yes, I'm biased, but as I'm sure everyone else can agree, he has a kind face, and plays enduring really really well. He gets cast as kind people quite a lot, so anyone that has seen him before will already feel a sense of comfort when he's on screen. I think that is really only reason that Pat is so likeable at the start, and possibly feels redeemable at the beginning of season two; because people see this kind face and can see him being capable of kindness. But it's all for naught because of the way that the show and character is written; there's only so much you can do with what you're given. The script of 'Raising Dion' was basically a mess of tangled Christmas lights that are impossible to untangle, and the more they tried, the more tangled it got.

tl;dr Pat's character was really poorly handled from a writing standpoint; nothing he did made sense and his motivations were all over the place and his character was never consistent. All that is an absolute, crying shame because Jason Ritter was amazing in it anyways and I wish I could have enjoyed it more.

I hope that answered your question, and if not I'm sorry. I've never really written my thoughts on anything like this before and again, it's been so long since I saw the show so I may have gotten some things wrong or misremembered some things. But I had fun writing this, it's been a while since I've written ANYTHING and I really really appreciate you wanting to know my opinions, no one ever wants that. XD Hope you have a lovely day, Anon!

#Anonymous #Message #Text post #CS: talks #Raising Dion #Pat Rollins #I can't believe I wrote all that #Or more so that anyone wanted to know my opinion on anything #That just made my day X)#I hope my convoluted thoughts make sense

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septembercfawkes · 3 years

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Debunking 6 Myths about Steadfast, Flat-arc Characters

Steadfast/flat-arc characters are characters who don't drastically change their worldviews over the course of the story. In contrast, a change character will do largely a 180 flip in worldview from the beginning of the story to the end of the story.

For example, in the fable of the Little Red Hen, the Little Red Hen never changes her worldview about hard work. But in A Christmas Carol, Scrooge completely changes his worldview from the beginning of the story to the end of the story.

In the writing community, there are a lot of misconceptions of the steadfast/flat-arc character (at least from my experience), which I'm going to talk about, debunk, and clarify today in this article. This information will still be useful to writers who have no interest in writing a steadfast protagonist--because nearly every successful story features a key character who is steadfast.

irst, though, we need to visit our familiar pit stop on writing terminology. The most common term for this character is the "flat-arc" character. But it is not the only term. This character has also been called the "steadfast" character, which is what Dramatica Theory calls it. While "flat-arc" is more common, I prefer "steadfast" for a few reasons:

- It conveys that the character must struggle to hold onto something (after all, one is only "steadfast" when there is opposition)

- "Flat-arc" sorta sounds like there isn't really any growth or movement, which isn't exactly accurate.

- For much of my experience in the writing world, protagonists who don't have much of an arc have been frowned upon or treated as "lesser." The term "flat-arc" reminds me of that.

This is completely preference. You may use whichever term you want. Today, I'll be switching between the two.

Now, you can have positive and negative steadfast characters. A positive one will hold onto a true worldview throughout the story, while a negative one will hold onto an inaccurate worldview. For the sake of this article, I will be focusing on the positive one, which is more common, and may do a future article that focuses more on the negative version.

Now, let's talk about some of the misunderstandings and myths about the positive steadfast character.

My (Helpful) Personal History with Steadfast, Flat-arc Characters

Despite wanting to work in the writing industry since I was seven, I entered the writing world like anyone else: naive.

I had an idea for a story I wanted to write, with a protagonist that drew inspiration from some of my all-time favorite protagonists.

What I didn't know, and what no one could explain to me, was that all these protagonists were steadfast/flat-arc characters. And that's what I wanted to write.

I took writing classes, went to conferences, read books, and tried to soak up any piece of advice anyone could give me. But for some reason, some of the information didn't seem to work into my story or apply to the favorite stories I was drawing inspiration from.

This led to a lot of questioning and challenging of "writing rules" on my part (though that was mostly internal). I was told over and over again (if not in these words) that I needed to have a change arc protagonist. It was implied, over and over again, that protagonists who didn't have change arcs were static, simple, lacking depth and dimension, and were just boring. Of course, there was always the occasional acknowledgment that 007 or Indiana Jones were successful. But I didn't want to write 007 or Indiana Jones. I still wanted to go deep into character.

Well, over the years, I unwittingly switched my protagonist from a steadfast protagonist to a change protagonist. I've only fully realized this recently when reviewing some of those favorite protagonists from years ago.

Not to be dramatic, but I feel a little cheated and let down by the writing world because of that. Even recently I went looking for resources on steadfast/flat-arc protagonists, and frankly, found very little. And of what I did find, 95% pulled from the same source material. I mean, it's great, but we are obviously lacking with this.

I tell this story, not for therapeutic reasons (okay, let's be honest, some of it is totally therapeutic!), but because I know there is someone out there who is struggling like I was. Someone who can't get their story to work because they are trying to apply change-arc advice to a flat-arc protagonist. This doesn't work. But you can't see that, because the people you are learning from (who have sincere intentions), don't fully understand or acknowledge steadfast protagonists.

For example, a writing book that has been making waves (that I looove and definitely recommend) is Story Genius by Lisa Cron. This book is amazing! And so helpful!

If you are writing a positive change protagonist.

It will not help you nail down your steadfast protagonist. Because its principles are founded on the protagonist changing.

So if you are trying to apply it to the wrong type of protagonist, you are going to get frustrated. . . . or switch your protagonist's type.

Unfortunately, I myself have been guilty of perpetuating some inaccurate advice, but only because (like most people), I didn't know better. This also tends to happen because by far the most common protagonist type is the positive change protagonist. There are lots of resources on it. There are lots of people writing it.

But this doesn't mean that the steadfast protagonist is wrong. It actually doesn't even mean that he is boring, static, or one-dimensional, nor that he doesn't grow, struggle, doubt, or change at all. He just doesn't do a direct flip in worldview. Instead, he proves his worldview true (the thematic statement).

Let's debunk some myths I've heard in the decade or so of being in the writing world.

Myth #1: Flat-arc Characters Don't Grow

The most common myth you are likely to run into, is that steadfast characters don't grow. This is inaccurate. The steadfast character doesn't drastically change her worldview. The positive steadfast protagonist has a worldview that will be proven true by the end of the story, which creates the theme. (In contrast, a negative steadfast protagonist has a worldview that will be proven untrue.)

This doesn't mean the character doesn't grow in some way.

For example, you may have a flat-arc character who becomes more competent. Maybe he learns to become a great marksman. Or maybe she learns how to navigate law school (Legally Blonde). A steadfast protagonist can gain any kind of skill, even some that are less obvious, such as learning the art of manipulation. In Moana, Moana must learn how to sail.

You may have a steadfast character who learns to become more proactive/assertive. It's not exactly unusual for a flat-arc character to not want to get involved in the main conflict in the beginning. He may be a reluctant hero. He may need to learn to not stand by but to stand up for what he believes in, by confronting the antagonist directly. In Disney's live-action Cinderella, Ella must become more assertive to fully thwart her wicked stepmother.

A steadfast character may grow in experience and wisdom. In Wonder Woman, Diana must experience and understand the real world in order to fully wield her truth against the antagonist.

A steadfast character can grow in pretty much any way that doesn't totally flip his or her worldview.

Certainly, there are flat-arc characters who don't grow at all, like 007, and that is fine, and you can write successful characters like that. But that doesn't mean that none of them grow whatsoever.

Myth #2: Steadfast Characters' Worldviews Remain Completely Static

Explained most simply, a positive steadfast character has an accurate worldview--understands the true thematic statement--from the beginning. This doesn't necessarily mean she has a perfect understanding of it.

The character's worldview may need some refining. It may not be whole or complete. Or, as mentioned, above, it may need more wisdom (discernment) behind it.

These things can only be realized with real-world experience--in other words, the tests and trials of the middle of the story.

While this concept may overlap with the prior, it's slightly different, as not every way a steadfast character grows will be linked to his or her worldview. They may be two completely separate things. But they can also go hand in hand.

For example, while Cinderella knows kindness will help her through trials (the thematic statement), her worldview needs some refining. She must realize one shouldn't let others take advantage of that kindness. She needs to stand up and be assertive with her stepmother.

In Arrival, Louise Banks knows that communication can help us understand another perspective, which enables us to avoid confrontation. However, through the story, she gains a greater, deeper, more complete understanding of that, as she learns the heptapods' language--which has the power to unit humanity and species across time.

In Wonder Woman, Diana knows from the beginning that we should fight for the world that we believe in. However, she gains more wisdom in that regard, after experiencing the gray moral complexities of humanity--does humankind deserve a better world? Only after she comes to terms with this, is she able to embrace the true thematic statement with eyes wide open.

Sure, some steadfast characters have completely static worldviews, but many of them don't.

This concept can become all the more complex when we consider secondary themes.

First, as a quick recap, the positive steadfast character has an accurate worldview--the "truth," as some like to call it--this is also the primary thematic statement. This is the truth the story is arguing. The positive steadfast character starts the story with this.

In contrast, a positive change character will start with an inaccurate worldview--the "lie," as some like to call it--this is basically the "anti-theme"--the opposing argument to the "truth." The positive change character will change to the "truth," the accurate worldview, the true thematic statement at the end.

However, many stories have more than one theme. Many stories have secondary themes.

Because of this, it's possible for the positive steadfast character to be steadfast in the primary theme, but be a change character in the secondary theme.

For example, Diana is steadfast in the primary theme, which is the argument that we should fight for the world we believe in (as opposed to the argument that we should allow humans to suffer the world they "deserve.")

However, in the secondary theme, she is a change character. The secondary theme is about whether humankind is innately black and white or whether they are innately gray. Diana begins the story believing they are innately black and white (innately good, if not for the antagonist), but learns the truth: humankind is innately gray. This is an arc of disillusionment. This feeds into the primary arc and primary theme.

I have an article on secondary themes in the works, but it's not complete yet. For now, know this:

Many stories have multiple themes. A steadfast protagonist may or may not be steadfast for every theme (or "worldview" if you prefer). But by definition, they must be steadfast for the primary theme (obviously).

Again, more on that in the future. However, this is why you may see writers argue over whether a particular character has a change or flat arc, and why the same character may get categorized differently--it depends entirely on what thematic thread the person is pulling. One may, in fact, argue Diana is a change character, because she arcs in disillusionment, while another may argue she has a flat arc, because she believes the primary thematic statement from beginning to end.

No worries if it sounds a little confusing. In short, a positive steadfast character's view may grow or shift in some way, but it never does a 180 flip in the primary arc and theme.

Myth #3: Flat-arc Characters Always Stand Firm

Just because the steadfast character has an accurate worldview and belief system (knows the "truth"), doesn't mean she never wavers or has doubts about it.

In most flat-arc protagonist stories, the character will have her beliefs tested through the conflicts of the middle. As the antagonistic force gets stronger, the character may experience doubts and powerful temptations (which may include conflicting wants). At some point, it may even seem that her worldview might be wrong. This, along with the cost of adhering to the truth, is almost always the meat of her internal journey. If you want your steadfast character to have a rich inner journey, this is where it's at.

For other steadfast protagonists, the internal journey isn't a major plotline (like 007). This means we won't see many (if any) moments of him having a worldview struggle.

Ultimately, at the end of the story, the steadfast protagonist will hold onto her accurate belief system. This is what makes her steadfast. But that doesn't necessarily mean she never second guesses it.

Myth #4: Steadfast Characters are Simple and One-dimensional

While a steadfast character is probably more likely to be simple, they aren't necessarily. Complexity isn't strictly tied to character arc.

What makes something complex is dichotomy. It's boundaries. It's layers of identity. I talk about this in my free booklet "Core Principles of Crafting Protagonists." But I'll review briefly.

Complex characters are most easily created when we smash together seeming contradictions.

- An outlaw who is law-abiding

- A soldier who refuses to hurt anyone

- A vampire who doesn’t like drinking blood

. . . for example.

Once you’ve smashed together contrasting features within the character, the gray area can be explored to find complexity. Why would an outlaw be law-abiding? How can someone be a vampire and not like blood? (These are more obvious examples, but they prove the point.)

Complexity can also be created by considering the character's personal boundaries--what it takes for him to consider doing something he wouldn't ordinarily do. We all have thresholds when it comes to our values. For example, I may have a character who proclaims that he never lies. But when the pressure gets high, I may show him lying to save the life of a loved one. This will reveal that he cares more about his loved one's life than about always being honest. In other words, he's not as simple as he first appeared.

While within the character arc, a steadfast protagonist will largely adhere to the accurate worldview, even when the pressure kicks up, this doesn't necessarily mean she can't find herself being pressured into unusual behaviors outside of it. For example, just because Job will stick to his faith in God regardless of what is inflicted upon him, doesn't mean he won't be pushed to complaining when the trials get intense. Difficulties reveal deeper character.

Finally, a character can be made complex by differentiating layers of identity. Identity gets down to how someone is defined, and no one is defined the same way from all angles. For example, who the character thinks he is, and who he actually is, will likely be different in some way. Who he believes he is and who society believes he is may be, in fact, opposite concepts.

While these elements can feed into character arcs--or rather, The Character Arc--they don't necessarily have to. There is no reason a steadfast character can't have some complexity.

Myth #5: Flat-arc Characters don't have Ghosts/Wounds

This isn't a myth I've heard very much, but I do feel like there are some misconceptions when it comes to the positive steadfast character and ghosts/wounds.

A "ghost" is a past, significant, often traumatic event that motivates the character to adopt an inaccurate worldview (the "anti-theme" or the "lie" or the "misbelief"--depending on your preferred terminology). In the industry, this is also sometimes called a "wound." You can learn all about ghosts/wounds in my article, "Giving Your Protagonist a Ghost."

But in a positive steadfast protagonist, this is often flipped just a bit. The ghost is often a past, significant, sometimes traumatic event that motivates the character to adopt the accurate worldview (the "theme" or the "truth" if you prefer).

For example, Cinderella's mother, while on her deathbed, tells Cinderella to always be kind. This motivates Cinderella to do just that.

Of course, not every character will have a ghost addressed in the story.

For the positive steadfast protagonist, the ghost may be largely resolved.

But not always. They may not have complete closure and peace. And it's possible they are still traumatized by the event.

Sometimes adhering to what is true can be nearly as haunting as having regrets. It's just that the haunting will come from either the cost of the truth, or, a lack of power--a lack of control--during the ghost. Generally speaking anyway.

In The X-Files, Fox Mulder, in the overall story and theme, is a positive steadfast character. The ongoing theme is an argument of belief vs. disbelief. (The motifs, "I want to believe" and "The truth is out there" speak to that.) However, Mulder has an unresolved, traumatizing ghost: his little sister was abducted by aliens.

This event cements him to the thematic truth of belief and motivates him to investigate anything unnatural. But this happened at the cost of his sister.

Sometimes the trauma comes from not being able to do anything, just as Mulder was powerless to stop the abduction.

Other times it may come from not being able to stop a loved one from choosing the inaccurate worldview--the "lie," "anti-theme," or "misbelief." The steadfast character may be haunted by the outcome of someone else choosing the lie.

So, just because you are writing a steadfast character, doesn't mean she can't have a traumatizing past.

Myth #6: Steadfast Characters are Boring

I have sometimes heard writing instructors discourage students from creating steadfast characters because they are "static and uninteresting." By now, you probably can see for yourself that this doesn't check out.

In reality, any kind of character becomes boring when poorly written. Sure, steadfast characters may need to be handled a little differently (they can easily become annoying when mishandled, for example), but this doesn't mean audiences aren't invested in them. A steadfast character can be just as exciting, meaningful, inspiring, and complex as most change characters.

I mean, I don't think most of us would call Diana, Fox Mulder, Moana, or Louise Banks boring.

In the future, I'll be breaking down this largely misunderstood character type some more. I mean . . . some of us have got to do more about the lack of resources out there, right? I don't want another person who wants to write a steadfast protagonist to be "tricked" into switching it to a change one. If you want to write a steadfast protagonist, this is me giving you permission.

#writing tips #writing tips and tricks #writeblr #nanowrimo #fanfic #flat arc #steadfast #wonder woman #arrival #moana #writing reference #writing advice #character

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heartofholland · 4 years

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tom recs <3

hi guys! here is a fic rec list i made of all the fics i’ve loved. personally, i consider myself an avid fic reader so i have read a shit ton of fics. these are just my highlights. let me know if you want more like this! and if you do end up reading any of these please make sure you REBLOG them to spread the goodness. these writers work their ass off and deserve all the credit in the world. enjoy! <3

SERIES

riding my by @worldoftom this fic is barely started but i love everything this writer puts out. very smutty, very hot. innocence kink check!

breaking curfew by @wazzupmrstark ASSHOLE TOM! my weakness. enemies to lovers but make it FWB. what I wish my summer camp was like instead of my thighs sticking to chairs and lice outbreaks.

eighteen by @angelic-holland corruption/innocence kink! basically all smut but damn do i want bad boy tom.

the situationship by @fairytelling can’t say enough about this fic. the definition of falling in love with your best friend. if my relationship isn’t like this i don’t want it.

happiness is a butterfly by @blissfulparker soft mob!tom and they’re forbidden soulmates! updates are WELL worth the wait!

i only feel you by @stuckonspidey the first time i read my watch thought i was working out for how high my heart rate was. shit keeps you on your toes. there is a sequel fic but just a heads up you will want to unstan tom on multiple occasions.

make me love you by @mrs-hollandstan frat boy player tom turned soft. mans does a whole 180. fuck dom.

perfidy by @peeterparkr couldn’t be more obsessed with this fic. they’re both so fucking stupid but too afraid to get hurt. also the social media posts are so fucking cute and crucial to the story

eloped by @worldoftom getting married to tom in the most beautiful vacation spot? sign me the fuck up

you. by @txmhoelland i think there’s definely worse men to be set up with as a PR stunt.

erotas by @farfromparker i have definely read this fic for more days than i’ve been on this earth but every time i lose my goddamn mind

dare you to move by @starksparker-archive the best version of FWB tom is when you’re his roommate…

gone by @dahliaspidey this one… hurts. but i just know it will bounce back.

take me out by @angelic-holland warning this one is really dark. like serial killers. but it was so fascinating i am completely obsessed with the psychology of it all. jake is featured and please don’t imagine the mr. music the entire time like i did </3

single all the way by @heyhihellowhatsup0 i read this whenever i need a lil christmas pick me up

sweetener by @keepingupwiththeparkers cute awkward relationship. it is so real i feel like it could actually happen to me.

ex on the beach by @heyhihellowhatsup0 THE ANGST GIVES ME LIFE

SMUT

bartender by @t-o-m-holland tom happens to own your favorite bar. your subtle flirts aren’t working. the banter between reader and the fam makes me wish i didn't have social anxiety.

siren by @rosyparkers don’t get me wrong i will scream ACAB til the day i die but police officer tom could definitely get it.

best of three by @mrs-hollandstan one of the 3000 threesome fics i have saved. imagine not getting one of the hottest men but TWO.

roommates by @hollandbaby what a coincidence we both want to fuck each other! this checks all the kinks my man. i’ve read this probably no less than 100 times.

that was that by @moorehollandplz dom!tom but something flips and he’s never been more gentle. mans got both sides of the playing field covered.

know your enemy by @angelic-holland short but sweet. hate sex is always hotter behind the scenes.

wasabi by @angelic-holland literally everything about alice is phenomenal but this is on of my faves. when i read this it makes me feel smarter. also body shots.

say good night by @madmadmilk this writers work never fails to blow me away but this time she managed to encapsulate my entire life. (minus the execution with a very hot and experienced best friend).

buwygf-ib by @hholyholland just ignore tomdaya for a sec and take in the hottest dom!tom i’ve ever witnessed.

cocky by @sykoxartist yeah he’s an asshole but he’s your asshole. at least that’s what he thinks.

sovereign by @farfromparker sub!tom is so hot. man will beg for DAYS.

summer vacation by @kidney9-9 when is hate sex ever like…. not hot as fuck?

ride by @tomhollandsstan face riding. period.

coincidence by @starshinebucky actor!reader and tom fuck… at least they’ll have good chemistry next time.

skin by @hollandbaby dom!tom is not ok with being a sub. unless it’s for you.

you can bet on it by @kiwi-bitchez all of this writers smut makes my pussy throb. this is my fave. just wait for the twist.

a rose blooms by @cornacopicimagines prince!tom drives me wild. but wait til he finds out you’re not a virgin.

begging by @raewritesfiction tom makes you beg for it.

self reflection by @stuckonspidey this is actual proof tom has a praise kink.

minor inconvenience by @angel-spidey toms an idiot but at least he can get you off.

flesh by @starshinebucky cocky tom kills me.

keeping him nice and warm by @marvelouspeterparker mob!tom the gif itself to sends me.

after hours by @cornacopicimagines never had sexual tension with a teacher but this will do.

ANGST

josslyn by @multiharlot messy situation but reader handles it like a champ. if your heart isn’t broken enough, the last line will make sure it’s unfixable for days on end.

moral of the story by @kelieah listen to the song while you’re at it to make your cry sesh take a turn for the worst.

cherry by @xoluvx this one hurts real bad. so does the song.

a complicated love story by @samhollandssweaters an emotional rollercoaster for real.

he dies in the end by @allfandomxreader ignore the title and just cry your eyes out with me.

eighteen by @fancyxholland you’ll be confused why it’s in the angst category but trust me.

all the lies by @peteywillproceed getting cheated on but the girl is toms gf, how do you tell him.

memories by @nycparkers i sob to this whenever i need a good cry.

don’t be a fool by @nycparkers breakups that dont end messily make me so fucking jealous.

FLUFF

kiss currency by @madmadmilk borderline smut. confused and oblivious harrison. dialogue inspires me to talk to males.

plank all over me by @waitimcomingtoo FILRTY TOM! THE BANTER! i really am a whore for well written dialogue. there’s additional parts but i won’t spoil.

playing cupid by @marvelobsessedteenager you set everyone else up but wait a damn minute how did you forget about tom?

little flirt by @webslinger-holland oh to flirt with tom while he’s sweaty from intensely dancing for the lip sync battle.

pour it out by @rhapsodyparker i don’t know what it is but famous!reader going on talk shows or having interviews and they ask the reader cheeky questions about tom might be one of my many kinks…

hubby by @t-holland2080 it’s the small things that make me want to bawl my eyes out for being so lonely.

going live by @redrebecca the dialogue makes me cry of happiness! tom doing a live (what a concept).

paddy’s crush by @tom-holland-is-spiderman jealous tom but of his younger brother.

wannabe by @sailingintothenight the cliffhanger at the end demands a second part.

flawless by @missnxthingg tom is a simp.

you and me by @sunshinehollandd best friend tom makes me soft.

dick appointments. web shooters. the duality of a man. by @porterporker it gets a lil steamy but man is “web shooter” a funny name for a dick.

best day by @thollandss dad!tom gives me baby fever even though i am a virg.

tom asks your dad by @blissfulparker can i just skip through the bad boyfriends and just marry the love of my life already.

baked chicken by @waitimcomingtoo there isn’t a category for awkward but if there was this would be in it.

lover boy by @starshinebucky tom being so oblivious you like him that you need to call for backup.

afterglow by @wickedholland i wish someone would treat me like this when im drunk instead of leaving me to hold my own hair back.

#tom holland #tom holland fics #tom holland x reader #tom holland series #tom holland smut #tom holland fluff #tom holland angst #tom holland fic #tom holland writing #tom holland reader insert

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nakedbibi333 · 3 years

Note

hi i havent asked u a question yet this is my first. imma try to list my questions and problems here u dont have to answer all ion wanna burn u out.

- how to not let past manifesting and attempting void state failures not get to u?

- summer i always thought i was very pretty. school start (more social anxiety too) and people call me ugly? i think im pretty tho?

- how do i know 100%

- i feel like i am relapsing sometimes i really dont want to. and when i work on self concept and mental diet i feel like im faking being positive. even when i cry my eyes out

For the void state failures, i want to let you guys know that a method holds no power. To completely rely on a method, thinking that that’s the only way to manifest is giving your power away. You are the only one who can give yourself your manifestations. Not by entering the void, not by scripting, not by drinking a glass of water you’ve spoken positive affirmations to, but by using your mind the way it was always meant to be used. By making manifestation a natural and normal part of your life. Because it it. You manifest every moment of your life. You just do it mostly unconsciously. But now you have the opportunity to do it deliberately. You can give yourself whatever you want because you know that you can now. And really, the only way to not let manifestation failures get to you is to build a feeling of persistence. Literally never give up on any manifestation if it means a lot to you. Even if it takes a long time because of your focus on your circumstances or limitations or limiting beliefs, it doesn’t matter. Those don’t stop manifestations or make them never come, they only may slow them down because your mind is trying to work through all those worries and making it so your manifestation is coming in the best way possible to you without all those things that make you anxious and nervous. But it always does that anyway, so you’re just making it double triple quadruple check and work on overdrive when it could just come to you in its perfect form instantly without all those worries. And its okay to feel frustrated and confused and doubtful when a manifestation doesn’t come when you wanted it to. It happens to the best of us. Just find a way to never give up on your manifestations and I can tell you from personal experience, they will come.

And to know 100% is a little difficult, because even I’m stuck in a human body and I have a human brain and sometimes I get my own doubts and worries. It’s more like trusting your subconscious mind (or the universe). The trust is a little different than knowing, because trusting gives a little bit of your power and responsibility to the part of you that truly knows all.

And I understand the feeling of being fake positive. It’s a lot to go from one extreme to another. Maybe you should start slower. Don’t go from something like (for example) hating your life immediately to I love my life because it’s hard to feel genuine when you feel so strongly the opposite. Start saying things more like my life’s getting better every day. My friends at school are nicer to me every day. My mental diet and self concept are getting better every day. So you don’t feel like you’re being fake. Its easier to believe in small, everyday progress than a complete 180 degree flip of your life.

I also think that “everyone is you pushed out” can be a little nuanced sometimes. It’s not always so straightforward like, if you think you’re pretty, then everyone else will, too. Even if you think you’re pretty, you may have an internal fear that people are judging you or that others don’t think you’re pretty. You may also just have an internal belief that others won’t reciprocate what you give yourself, like when you work on your self-concept, the people around you should treat you or begin to treat you as you are treating yourself, such as with kindness, compassion, and holding you to high regard. You did say that you had social anxiety, so maybe that manifested in that way, that you were worried people didn’t see you the way you saw yourself, or that you were worried they would judge you, or ridicule you for being yourself. Start to look into these beliefs and begin to flip them with affirmations.

Here are some affirmations you could possibly use for your situation:

It is becoming easier and easier for me to work on my self concept

I am doing so well on my mental diet

Everyone is getting nicer to me every day

Everyone has begun to tell me compliments every time I see them

I am getting better at manifesting every day

I am beginning to place my trust more and more on the law of assumption

Every day I start to believe more in the law of assumption

I have felt like the god of my reality lately

Remember you can always revise and change the actions of people around you. And you can always affirm for a good mental diet or self concept if getting into the details is too difficult. I hope my feedback helped!

#ask #advice

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arminbitchlover · 3 years

Text

reincarnated lovers (2)

armin arlert x f! reader

summary: after a terrible first date with armin, sasha convices reader to go out to a party but only to have an unexpected turn of events

word count: 2.8k

content warnings: mentions of drug use, alcohol use, assault is insinuated but doesn't actually happen

"YOU LOOK SOOO GOOD," Sasha squeals as you show her your outfit, making your confidence boost significantly.

"YOU TOO, YOU'RE SO HOT FOR NO REASON!" You both keep showering each other with confidence, not caring if your neighbors could hear you shouting.

You don't understand why you're suddenly filled with anticipation to go to some frat house that would be filled with strangers and smell like alcohol and weed, but you not troubled enough to even question it. All you know is that this is your first party as a freshman, and you want to make the most out of it with your best friend.

"So, who's going that you know anyways?" You glance at Sasha through your mirror as you apply lip gloss.

"Too many to count honestly and not to alarm you or anything but Jean will be there too." Sasha reluctantly spoke as you feel your heart drop to your stomach.

You completely forgot that Jean was a part of Sasha's friend group and now you're going to see him for the very first time since your breakup.

"Y/n?" Sasha waves her hand in front of your face and snaps you out of your deep thoughts.

"Sorry, but thanks for telling me." You shake your head as you try to not lose your train of thought again.

You and Sasha finish up on your final touches and make your way to the party as you feel your stomach flipping and hands slightly shake. Every time you start to tell yourself that Jean was just a friend now, you get flashbacks of everything you did as a couple, but you're going to let some guy ruin your first night out in college.

It doesn't take long to arrive and fuck, it didn't take long for the feelings of regret, nervousness, and panic to sink in. When you first arrive, people were already drunk in the front yard as couples made out the staircase leading to the front door. Immediately when opening the door, the bass from the speakers maakes your whole body vibrate with the music and your eyes strain from all the lights that were being cast across the house.

The whole place is already trashed with cups, plates, and different articles of clothing are scattered across the floor. You've always heard about how wild college parties can be, but you didn't expect something as crazed as this.

You turn to Sasha and see her talking to you but could only read her lips that make out, "I'm... drink," and walk away to the kitchen.

Well, shit.

You awkwardly stand in the middle of the room, not recognizing a single person until you feel a hand clasp your shoulder and pull you to a corner.

"Heya, gorgeousss, name's Flochhh..." A drunk man with auburn hair presses you against the wall as he tries to make conversation with you.

"S-Sorry, but I have to go." You try to get away from him only to have your arm get pulled back to the wall.

"Fucking let me go!" You fight to yank your arm away but don't have enough strength to succeed.

"Buttt I wantss to get chu know you babyyy." He leans in, trying to get your faces closer together, but luckily you dodge him quick enough to get out of his grasp.

"Watchu doinn- runninnn from me." He grasps your hand, but right when you were about to get pinned back against the wall again, you hear a stern voice.

"Get your hands off of her." You and Floch turn and see Armin, but this time with slightly smudged eyeliner with a long black sleeve that's complemented with a necklace and silver rings on both of his hands.

"Huhhh-," Floch slurs, finally letting go of you and confronting Armin.

Armin takes a step back with his hands in his pockets, not wanting to cause any issues, and lightly asserts, "This is my lovely girlfriend, so I would appreciate it if you would just back off, that's all."

Armin walkes up to you and wraps his arm around your waist as Floch's face becomes filled with complete disgust.

"So if you'll excuse us, we'll be getting out of your way so you can get as shitfaced as you like." He smirks at Floch and pulls you away, his hand still clutching your waist.

As he takes you away, you immediately notice how his arm feels so natural around you, like it was meant to be there which causes your heartbeat to quicken.

You only see him as the boy you went on an awkward date with, why did he suddenly make you feel this way?

"Thank you for your help, Armin." You bring your hand to the one that was resting on your waist and squeeze it to show your gratitude.

"I was only doing the bare minimum, no need to thank me." He tenderly looks into your eyes with compassion, not aware that he never let go of your waist.

"Well, what were you doing here anyway, you didn't catch me as the party type." You playfully joke as he grabs your arm and enters a large crowd that's dancing to music.

He turns to face you and tilts his head towards your ear to answer, "I heard you were coming, and I wanted to talk to you."

He grabs you by the waist and starts moving to the beat of the song to follow along with everyone surrounding you.

You feel your face start to heat up, finding it so attractive the way he leaned in to talk to you. He's a completely different person from the guy you went out with. This time he seems so much more confident by the way he holds you, speaks to you, and his fashion did a complete 180.

"Well, what's up?" You gain enough courage to wrap your arms around his neck and move your body with his.

You both move completely in sync forgetting for a second that you weren't the only two people in the room. You feel yourself start to get more butterflies as he maintains eye contact with you and slowly pulls you closer and closer. Before you know it, you have the biggest smile on your face as you have the time of your life with Armin.

This is what you've been missing out on, while you had been locked up in your dorm, exhausting yourself with no sign of ending. While Sasha's the one who made you come out of your comfort zone, Armin's the one who making you enjoy yourself the most and you love the idea of that. You love knowing that there's a person who could actually make you a better person and still make you feel comfortable while being alone with him.

"I don't really know how to explain this, but-"

"Y/N!!" Sasha pushes her way into the crowd and finds you and Armin with your bodies only centimeters apart, but seemingly didn't notice the tension between the two of you.

"Armin, I told you to find her and come to the game room!" She scolds Armin and pulls him away from you, making you feel a bit upset that you're not able to be alone with him a bit longer.

She takes you and Armin to another room that you assume were their friends because as soon as they enter, they're greeted with open arms. You immediately notice a small blonde girl and a tall brunette with freckles sitting together on a love seat and you have to admit that they make such a great couple. Sasha introduces you to everyone in the room and while it was pretty packed, it's easy to memorize who everyone is given that Sasha has mentioned them many times before.

Before you had the chance to settle in with everyone you see Connie get out of his seat and clear his throat very loudly to make an announcement.

"I think that it's only fair, since y/n is the newbie of the group, to play a 2v2 intense game of beer pong between me and Jean." Connie widely grins as everyone agrees and starts rioting.

"I heard my name." Jean abruptly enters, at first not noticing that you're in the same room.

"Well, I don't have a partner to play with so-" You feel a bit of shame while speaking but are quickly interrupted.

"I'll play with y/n," Armin speaks up and everyone gets louder, becoming enraptured as if this is the biggest game in history.

"Let's fucking go then." Jean locks eyes with you for a split second before talking to Connie.

You have to admit, while Jean looks like he's taking good care of himself, you don't feel the butterflies and tension that you thought you would. Maybe you're just overthinking everything because he's your first love, but you figure that maybe something would be left for him. You look back at Jean making sure you don't feel anything, but when you turn to face Armin. Butterflies. Even if it was just a tiny bit, something was there.

For him.

"You guys got this, I mean no offense to the other two, but they're either high, tipsy, or a bit of both." Eren walks up to you two as he chuckles and rubs the back of his neck.

"I've never played this before, so we'll see." You look down, afraid that Eren or Armin would judge you in some way.

"Neither has Armin, he always watches other people play, but I'm pretty surprised he volunteered himself. So, I'm guessing that your first date went pretty well today." Eren playfully nudges Armin as his face turns into a very light pink.

"Um, yeah it was pretty alright," You reply and smile at Armin, even though you both knew that your date was anything but 'alright'.

"Okay, it's set up, you guys can start whenever," Mikasa speaks with a complete monotone voice as she takes a seat back down next to Historia and Ymir.

You and Armin walk to your side of the table as Connie and Jean do the same, while everyone stands around the two teams ready to start their ear-piercing shouts. You start to feel a bit of pressure right before the game started, anxious that you'll make yourself look like a fool if you don't at least make a single cup.

"We'll give Armin the first shot." Connie cockily smirks and bounces the ping pong ball across the table.

Armin grabs the ball with his fingertips and starts calculating the way he would throw the ball. You have to admit, he looked absolutely adorable while concentrating on making it into the cup. You figure that maybe he thinks the same as you, not wanting to embarrass himself, but he looks so relaxed at the same time. After a few more seconds of critical thinking, he carefully throws the ball and makes it perfectly into the middle cup.

Expectedly, everyone starts screaming, jumping up and down, while some people grab Armin and shake him profusely as their excitement shoots through the roof. You can't help but feel thrilled for him as well, and right when his friends get their hands off of Armin, you wrap your arm around his neck and bring him in for a tight hug. You immediately pull away, unsure if he's uncomfortable being hugged by someone he barely knows, but when you take a step back you see his eyes light up with a small smile.

"Cut it out, love birds. It's my shot," Jean shoots Armin a snarky look and chugs the shot. He wasn't concentrating as much as Armin was, probably because he's played this game many times before, and to your surprise, he recklessly tosses the ball and makes a spiral dunk into the cup at the front of the formation.

"GOOD SHIT, JEAN!" Connie aggressively smacks Jean's back, causing him to jump forward and knock down two cups in the back row.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Connie?" Jean hits the back of Connie's head and they both drink whatever liquid was left in the cup and takes them out of the formation.

You look at the cup that has the ball in and right when you're about to take the shot, Armin swiftly takes it out of your grasp and drinks it as if it's water.

At this point, everyone was making fun of Connie's fuck up and cheering on Armin for chugging the shot like nothing while you're panicking in your thoughts, begging yourself not to make a foot out of yourself.

"Here." Armin hands you the ball and you feel your anxiety kick in as everyone's focus goes directly to you.

You feel your fingertips lightly quiver as you begin to aim the ball into the last cup in the back. Predictably, the ball hits the rim of the cup and doesn't make it in, but Armin still whispers to you a few words of encouragement as Marco picks up the ball from the floor and hands it to Connie. The game continues and luckily you and Armin win because of the two cups Jean knocked down, so while you and Armin are a bit tipsy, the others are completely plastered.

"This... nngh - bullshizz..." Connie clumsily walks over to you and hooks his arm around your neck, somewhat pulling you down while speaking to you.

"Alright, enough." Armin pulls Connie's arm away from you and takes you out of the room, before getting the chance to say bye to anyone.

"Armin-" He leads you to an empty room and doesn't hesitate to lock the door behind him.

"Please, let me talk, I've been waiting all night." Armin pulls you to the edge of the bed and slowly sits down as he tries to figure out how to come out with his news. You gently place your hand on top of his and give it a gentle squeeze, reassuring him.

While you did have a feeling about what he'a going to say, you don't want to jinx anything too good to be true. Even though when you first met Armin it wasn't the greatest first impression, spending time with him at the party made you realize that he's so much more than the awkward guy you went out with. You don't understand how your feelings for him switched up so fast in a matter of a day, but you don't care. At this point, Jean's completely out of the picture and something in you is telling yourself that there's something really special about Armin.

“So, um basically I just want to apologize for everything that happened earlier at the café. I-It’s just that you’re the first girl I’ve ever taken out and I didn’t want to fuck up, but I did absolutely everything wrong. It didn’t help how Sasha was talking so highly of you and god, when I saw your pictures, I thought you were the most perfect person I ever laid my eyes on. Then when I saw you, something in me just clicked that you were meant to be mine and I’m not one to believe in that love at first sight bullshit, so I didn’t know what to do. I just nervous and I didn't know what to do. I knew you were and still are way out of my league even though I felt like you were my person, but I didn't want to mess it up, so I tried to be distant to make it go away and I realized how fucking stupid that was. I'm so sorry for wasting your time and I was hoping we could have a second chance at a first date again to make it up to you." He has such a pained but relieved look on his face when he finishes talking, not looking at you, afraid that he may have done something that he would regret.

"I would actually love that, Armin." You exchange smiles and both stare at each other for a second in comfortable silence.

"Well, let's go then."He stands up and brings out his hand to yours.

"Wait what?" You give him a confused look as you place your hand in his and get up from the bed.

"Are you tired or something?" He furrows his eyebrows with a bit of a pouty face.

"No, not at all." You intertwine your fingers with his and make your way out of the frat house, forgetting say goodbye to anyone.

"So, where are you taking me so late at night?" You ask and turn to look at him to see a small smile plaster on his face.

"I was hoping I could take you back to my apartment to make us a proper meal after all that partying." You feel your heart pounding against your chest as he has the most genuine look in his eyes.

"Absolutely."

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#tw: alcohol #tw: drug use #tw: assault #armin smut #armin x reader #armin arlert x reader smut #armin arlert #armin arlert smut #aot armin #snk armin #aot smut

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inadaydream99 · 4 years

Note

hello! if it’s okay, could i please request a skz reaction where they reject you but end up regretting it because they realized they really you? if it’s too much, maybe a member of your choice? thank you so much! and please do not rush! take as much time as you need!

Hi, thanks for requesting! I made this quite fluffy, but a few are angst and I also did all members because I couldn’t pick just one 😂 I really hope you enjoy!

Chan

The humiliation was real. Being rejected is more embarrassing that you think, especially when it’s by one of your friends.

You’d had a crush on Chan for a very long time. You’ve just never said anything until now in fear of rejection and, as it turns out, you should have just kept your feelings to yourself.

You couldn’t even look at him as you heard him mutter “I’m sorry.”, nodding your head in responce as it hangs low.

It’s been a few days since then and you’ve not stopped replaying the scene in your head since. Your mind is literally torturing you, making you cringe and you just end up stuffing your face into your pillow in a weak attempt at repressing it.

Just as you’re finally about to fall asleep you hear a knock on your front door, whining as you sit up on your bed before dragging yourself to see who could possible be visiting you.

Your breath hitches when you open the door to reveal Chan stood on the opposite side. He looks nervous, swinging back and forth on his feet impatiently. Your eyes lock instantly and for a minute you feel like you are dreaming.

“Do you believe in second chances?” He breaks the shocked silence, a relieved smile growing on his face when you nod yes, still in a daze.

“Then I’d really like to take that chance. I regretted letting you go without telling you how I really feel.” Chan continues, slowly becoming more confident and bubbly with each passing second.

“I guess you’ll have to tell me now then.” You tease with an elated grin on your face.

Minho

Minho hated himself for pushing you away. He hated himself for being the reason you are upset. But most of all he hated himself because he is so madly in love with you and he ruined any chance to tell you.

That is until he has an epiphany while moping around. If you won’t listen to him or respond to any of his messages, then he’ll just have to find a way to win you over, a way that you can’t ignore.

“I may not show it often, but you mean everything to me!” Minho shouts up to you from the middle of the street.

It 2am and freezing outside, but he doesn’t care. He’s finally been able to get your attention by throwing pebbles at your window and playing your favourite song on full blast through his speaker, what a cliché moment.

“I’m in love with you.” He shouts at the top of his lungs.

The cheesy grin on your face can’t possibly be hidden. You never thought you would ever see Minho do anything like this. Risking everything just to tell you how he feels.

“I love you too!” You shout back, letting all your worries go and just living in the moment.

“Can you two be quiet!” You hear a voice shout out. One of your neighbours must have grown tired of all the noise.

You both snicker at one another in giddy amusement, feeling like devious kids. Partners in crime.

You signal to Minho that you’ll be down in a minute, rushing out of your apartment and down the stairs to meet him in the blustering wind. Ready to start a new chapter together.

Changbin

“I never want to be the reason you’re hurting.” Changbin takes your hand in his, pleaing for forgiveness from you.

What had started off as a lighthearted conversation amongst the group had turned sour pretty fast. It all started because Seungmin asked Changbin if he would ever date you in front of everyone. It wasn’t intentional on Seungmin’s part to cause an argument, he thought it was quite a funny question to ask because you and Changbin have been best friends for so long. But when Changbin said “no” without even a seconds thought you were deeply hurt. Was there something repulsive about you to him?

“Then why did you reject me in front of everyone?” You defensively retort. You’re not impressed with him right now, and rightly so. But you can see the genuine regret he feels which makes it hard to stay mad for very long.

“Because I panicked... I didn’t want you find find out how I feel about you like that.” Changbin mumbles, feeling nervous in his confession to you. He knows that he has to be honest with you now because he can’t stand the idea of losing you completely.

“How do you feel about me?” You encourage him to continue, your body language becoming less defensive as you relax your shoulders.

“Like you’re the only person who’s opinion I care about, that you light up any room you enter instantly... that you are the only one I ever want to be with.” Changbin’s words are heartfelt and you can tell it’s taken a lot of courage for him to say them.

“I feel the same about you.” You manage to respond whilst holding back tears of joy.

Hyunjin

“So I overreacted, I do that all the time!” Hyunjin throws his hands up defensively, his excuse falling on deaf ears as he rants away to Minho.

“But you still rejected (Y/N), regardles of how you feel now.” Minho looks up from his phone to see Hyunjin’s reaction.

“Then what should I do?” He whines, dramatically falling against the table in distress. At least he’d finally stoped pacing the room.

“You go and appologise?” Minho sarcastically states as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Hyunjin just mimickes him, annoyed by his lack of sympathy towards the situation. Though anyone would feel agitated when it’s all Hyunjin has gone on about for the last few days.

You stand in shock having answered the door to reveal Hyunjin and after ten minutes of him apologising and begging for you to give him a chance to redeem himself (a little too loudly for comfort), it’s your turn to speak.

“It’s gonna take a while to redeem yourself, but maybe we can try.” You agree, rolling your eyes playfully when Hyunjin crushes you in a tight hug, repeatedly thanking you for a second chance.

Jisung

“I did the one thing I promised myself I’d never do...” Jisung sighs in defeat. He can barely look you in the eye as he faces the consequences of his actions.

You’d initially been disheartened when he rejected you, but he was sympathetic towards your feelings and gently let you down rather than being too harsh. You even smiled through the pain and embarrassment, agreeing to not let it ruin your friendship.

But that was almost a year ago now. You have moved on from your crush on Jisung and recently started seeing someone new.

So when he suddenly confesses that he has feelings for you, you aren’t too sure how to react. Initially you feel mad because you feel loke he is messing with your emotions. But the longer you have to process the information, the more you understand where he is coming from.

“I don’t want to be the reason you’re not happy, but seeing you with someone else hurts.” He continues, finally mustering up enough courage to look at you and take in your reaction.

“I don’t know what to say...” You sigh, watching as Jisung takes a deep breath and nod his head. He looks like he is preparing himself for rejection, just like he did to you, and that’s what makes it so hard for you to do.

“Regardless of my feelings towards you, I’m with someone else.” Your chest aches from seeing his solumn face, it’s just as painful being the rejector.

“Can I just know... if I’d not rejected you last year, would I still have a chance?” Jisung’s voice is shallow and weak, his eyes glossy from all the unshed tears.

You can no longer speak, feeling absolutely terrible, so you just nod yes, shooting him a meek smile.

Felix

Felix holds the cake outstretched in his hands, sending you a pleading smile. “I’m sorry.” He apologises, a hopeful look on his face.

You can’t help but crack a smile, laughing at your goofy friend.

“Felix why do you have a cake?” You raise your brow. Truthfully, you find the whole situation hilarious, only Felix would do something so endearing and sweet like bake you a cake when he wants to make things up to you.

“A good way to appologise is with cake.” He states like it’s a well known fact. “And I was kind of hoping that you’ll love the cake so much you’ll give me a second chance, because I really like you (Y/N).” He continues, catching you off guard. You’d never expected him to change his mind after rejecting you.

“Well, it is a really pretty cake... but are you sure?” You act coy, not wanting to give your feelings away in case he has another change of heart.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” He admits confidently, an elated grin on his face when you accept the cake and grab his hand, dragging him into your apartment.

Seungmin

“I will fix what I have broken.” Seungmin is so determined to get you back that he almost sounds angry. Even Hyunjin flinches a little at his words, watching silently as Seungmin marches off to find you.

After having confessed to Seungmin a couple of weeks ago, you hadn’t spoken to him since. You just felt too embarrassed and awkward to face him and so your friendship crumbled.

“(Y/N) we need to talk.” Seungmin comes striding into your work, making the small office fall deathly silent.

“Seungmin I’m working right now.” You whisper, your eyes darting around the room self consciously to make sure no one is watching you.

“But it’s important.” He states, shooting you his best puppy eyes so you’ll give into him.

“Ugh fine.” You cave, ushering him into the empty room next door so you have some privacy.

“I like you.” Your eyes grow wide at his confession. Had you heard him right?

“But... you-”

“I know and I’m so sorry. It made me realise that there’s a part of me missing when you’re not around.” Seungmin anxiously explains. His demeanour has done a 180 degree flip now, he looks timid and nervous as he wait for you to process the information.

“I wish you’d realised sooner, but I guess better late than never.” You tease, feeling your heart skip a beat upon seeing Seungmin’s face light up with the most adorable smile you’ve ever seen.

Jeongin

“Caught off guard was an understatement.” Jeongin reasons, trying everything he has to get you to forgive him. But he’s the reason you’re heartbroken, he can’t keep playing with your fragile emotions like this.

“No, you had your chance. I can’t believe you have the audacity to make excuses like this. You humiliated me in front of all my closest friends.” You remain strong, your face void of any emotion, regeardless of how difficult it is to see Jeongin like this.

“Just give me a chance to make it up to you.” He begs. It’s almost pathetic how desperate he looks right now.

“Goodbye Jeongin.” You snarl, slamming the door shut in his face. Jeongin stands defeated on the opposite side of the door. He knows this is what he deserves, but it’s never nice to get a taste of what you dish out to others.

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wesimpforxiao · 3 years

Text

I’ll Be a Villain For You

"The Tsaritsa wishes to know your motivations for joining the Harbingers," La Signora approached you as you knelt and lifted your chin up. "You're a star prodigy of the Fatui organization with an overwhelming lack of information on your background check. Care to explain?"

"I would just like to join the Tsaritsa's mission," you answered simply.

"Why?" The Harbinger's eyes narrowed and she let go of your chin.

"Is it so wrong to crave chaos?"

"Wonderful." Signora rolled her eyes and let her back face you. "We have another Childe on our hands."

"I don't think that's a bad thing," Childe smirked as he stood along with his most trusted Fatui agents in the hall. The two of you were best friends growing up, but lost contact after he had somehow made his way into the Abyss. His reappearance after being 'lost in the woods' for a few days was enough to destroy your friendship--he had flipped from the meek Snezhnayan boy to an arrogant troublemaker. Did he remember you? The answer lay in the depths of his gaze.

La Signora briefly glanced back at the Tsaritsa, who sat quietly on her throne and was obscured by a black veil. "The Cryo Archon is intrigued by your progress through the ranks. From a soldier to a high-ranking officer in a matter of months. No one has managed that since Childe. The Tsaritsa only wishes to know your motivations and future goals within this organization."

"Well," you dared to stand much to the amusement and annoyance of Childe and Signora, respectively. "I wish to be the twelfth Harbinger."

"Why?"

"'A hero will choose the world over you, while a villain would kill the world for you.' I'm more than willing to play the villain in order to lift Her Majesty up," your lips curled into a sinister grin. The Tsaritsa shifted forward, as if she were intrigued.

"If I may," Childe interjected and took a step forward. He and his posse were situated behind you. "We grew up together, so she's not a complete mystery."

"I'll remind you that I am not the same person I was back then," you spoke through clenched teeth.

The Tsaritsa lifted a hand to silence you before gesturing for Signora. She whispered something inaudible to her, before the Harbinger spoke. "The Tsaritsa grants your request. You will be known as "Harlequin," the Phantom Twelfth Harbinger under the Tsaritsa. You will be carrying out missions unknown to the rest of the Harbingers and, by extension, the rest of Teyvat. It is essential for your identity and position to remain anonymous. You will fall under Childe's authority."

You nearly cursed under your breath at that last part, but you bit your tongue in time.

"Childe, this is an opportunity to prove your maturity as a Harbinger. Do you understand?"

"I do."

"Good. Show Harlequin to her room."

"I heard rumors from Tonia that you joined the Fatui," Childe shut the door behind him. You were in an unmarked room below the facility. "It's been years, Harlequin."

"Do you even remember my name, Ajax?"

"Mm," he smirked.

"Well?" You raised a brow and crossed your arms. "I'm waiting."

He had the audacity to mumble it under his breath to get a rise out of you. You scoffed and turned away from him, eyeing the room that was to be used as your headquarters from now on. "I'm actually surprised she granted my request."

"The Tsaritsa knows potential when she sees it." Childe approached you like a person approaches a rabid animal. "So, why did you join the Fatui? Last time I checked, you couldn't stand me--"

"Oh, I still can't stand you."

"--and you disagreed with the Tsaritsa's policies." He narrowed his eyes as he stared down at you.

"Perhaps I just want chaos." You didn't meet his gaze. He had a way of looking into your eyes for the answers and he always got them that way.

"The you that I knew back then would never dream of such a thing. It appears that you and I are now one and the same, don't you think?" He continued to approach you until your back was pressed against the wall.

"There is a difference between being an agent of chaos and a blind force of nature that stirs up everything in its wake," you retorted.

"On the contrary, that 'blind' force follows the Tsaritsa. Who does this agent of chaos follow?" You stared hard at his chest, refusing to be read like an open book, until he grabbed your chin and forced you to meet his gaze.

"I'm to be used as a villain to lift her Majesty up as hero." You hated when he did this. It was like staring into the spiral abyss, like it was calling you to venture deeper into the unknown. These blue eyes were capable of getting practically any information out of you even if you were unaware of it.

"I see," Childe muttered after several seconds of silence without letting go of you. Satisfaction passed across his face, and a smile rose on his lips. You had made it more difficult for him to read you, but he still managed to see the faint hint of worry in the depths of your eyes. Your façade faltered when you realized he had gotten what he wanted. "So this agent of chaos, this villain, follows me."

"Oh, Ajax!" You couldn't hold the façade any longer. You threw your arms over his shoulders and closed the distance between you. Sure, you found him really annoying, but at the same time, you regretted cutting him off when you were younger. You had thought of reconnecting, but he was always in distant lands, and then the god attack on Liyue... "We...We were all so worried about you...the attack on Liyue--I had thought you were hurt and I had to see for myself--"

"You--" Childe's eyes widened as he was most definitely not expecting this reaction. "You joined and climbed the ranks just so you could see me?" You nodded into his chest.

"Is that crazy?" You pulled away a tiny bit and peeked at him with an expression not so different than a child's. "I didn't want you to get hurt...and there are so many sketchy people here, I figured it'd be better if you knew someone you could trust."

"You..." He stared at you with bewilderment as he struggled with his emotions. It's true that the two of you had a falling-out, but he had taken it especially hard. You were his first crush and when he realized you were against his fighting nature, it crushed him. To think that you would do a complete 180 on him just to ensure his safety was mind-boggling. He pressed his forehead against yours with his hand on the nape of your neck, "...are perfect."

#genshin impact childe #genshin impact tartaglia #childe genshin impact #tartaglia genshin impact #childe fanfiction #one shot #short story #childe fluff #tartaglia fluff #genshin impact

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gxccistyless · 3 years

Text

Fine Line: The Divorce Series - Part three.

Here is the last part of fine line - the divorce series. You can read part one here and part two here

I would LOVE to write some one shots based on Harry and Eliza. Feel free to send in requests!!

That night after he left Eliza’s Harry went home and sits in his shower for 45 minutes, he thought about going to the pub and then he thought about going to the liquor store to get a bottle of bourbon to drink it in its entirety all in an attempt to try and forget about the fact that he had just kissed Eliza. Harry decides against it, he calls his sponsor instead, his sponsor came to lend an ear and help him get through the night, without liquor. He and his sponsor had become close, he could trust his sponsor to be there for him without feeling the need to worry about his personal struggles with alcohol being leaked to the press.

Two weeks later he found himself at a social gathering at his sponsors house, a family garden party of sorts, alcohol free of course, and that’s where he first met Olivia Dane. He and Olivia seemed to have an instant connection, no awkward spots in their conversations, no awkward silences where he felt the need to fill time with rambling. Conversation flowed freely. He left that night not having a single drop of alcohol, and with her number in his phone. One week later they were out to dinner ams six weeks after that had her on his arm down the red carpet.

Eliza and Harry never discussed the kiss. For him it was something he was able to freely move passed, for her it was so much more. The kiss lingered on her mind for weeks and weeks she had so many unanswered questions, questions she knew she might never have answers to. The two had reverted back to old ways, going through third parties to organise Harry spending time with Koa and Lennon. Eliza didn’t love the idea of not having any contact with Harry, especially because they had just started going to therapy and she was really hoping that this would be the turning point in their co-parenting attempt. She was happy that their children had their father back though, every child deserves happy and healthy parents was her fundamental belief. That’s truly all she has ever wanted for Harry, for him to be happy and healthy. With Harry out of the picture for her, she spent more time getting closer to her now partner Andrew. She never spoke a word of the kiss.

harrystyles . MINE . LIked by jefezoff, oliviadane and 12,573,399 others. The post took Eliza by surprise. She saw it on a Sunday morning as she was lazing in bed. She wanted to be happy for him, she wanted him to love and to be loved, but she still wanted him to love her. It was selfish of her, and she was aware of this. Selfish because she has and still was seeing someone else, so why shouldn’t he be able to do the same. But that kiss still lingered in the back of her mind.

She would come to find out some hours later that at some point during the day Harry had unfollowed her on all social media platforms. This hurt her more than it should have, Andrew copping the brunt of her anger, leading them to a huge argument where he had accused her of still being in love with Harry. I can’t be in this relationship with you Eliza, this isn’t healthy. You still love him and that’s okay, but let’s be honest here you can’t love him and still have me. He was right. They ended things that night. Harry was thinking about introducing Olivia to his kids. It had been on his mind for a while, probably from the second week he had known her. Him co-parenting with Eliza made it harder for him to see Olivia on weekends. He had just gotten into such a good schedule with having the kids again he didn’t want to cancel visits, but he also didn’t want to lay in bed alone at night when they were asleep. Olivia didn’t fancy children very much, her opinion of children didn’t change just because they were linked to the man she was sleeping with. Harry waited three months before he organised a brunch date where she would meet the children.

Anne had gone to Elizas to pick up the children just as she had been all this time. Koa had fallen ill and Eliza had almost canceled their visit but she had caught wind that the kids would be meeting Olivia and decided against canceling, but packing everything from his prescription medication to his favourite lovey just to be safe, writing out a note giving perfectly clear descriptions about the contents of the bag and their uses. Olivia rolled her eyes and complained about said bag and note she seems so dramatic over a damn cold were her exact words. Harry didn’t say anything in return letting her comment slide. It was moments like this that he would come to later regret, letting things slide was in his opinion the way people got into bad behaviours, but he loved her and didn’t want to royally fuck this day up over a comment before it had even really started. He seemed to think that the brunch went well, Olivia on the other hand was less than enthused. Koa had spilt his yoghurt, Lennon her orange juice, children were crying and there was snot everywhere. Despite her distaste for the children of the man she loved, she smiled through it. But really all she could think about was ways to get Harry to herself next weekend, child (and snot) free. She somehow managed it and the following weekend, an hour before Harry was scheduled to have the kids, he canceled. Something about a surprise weekend in Paris that had been sprung on him at the last minute was the reasoning Eliza had gotten off of Anne.

oliviadane you had me at bonjour ❤️ Liked by harrystyles, jefezoff and 5,452 others.

Harry’s visits with the children had become few and far between by late September. Fallon’s anniversary was fast approaching and Eliza was not coping. Anne, who had stayed in contact with her and loved her like a second daughter picked up on it. Eliza was out of sorts, and rightfully so. She had a lot on her plate between the twins and mentally trying to process the upcoming date. Harry on the other hand was off in a different country every week. Brushing off the responsibilities of parenthood had yet again come so easy to him, Eliza wasn’t surprised at this point. Old habits die hard. Anne had let her concerns about Eliza known to Gemma who went to visit to see for herself. Eliza was a mess, Anne had not been lying. Gemma gave Harry and absolute ear bashing on the phone, told him how much of a disappointment he was to her and their mother, how his kids would resent him some day, how he should be ashamed of himself. Gemmas words must have hit a nerve, or at least talked some sense into him. The following week Harry had done a complete 180 again and the visits with the children, much to Olivia’s dismay, were back on schedule.

It started with small incidents at first. Koa coming home crying, Lennon expressing her disinterest in going to her fathers house for weekend visits. The weekend before Fallon’s anniversary was the last straw. Koa was screaming and crying as Anne’s car pulled away from Eliza’s house. Eliza could hear his blood curdling shrieks from down the road as she stood frozen in her driveway watching her babies drive away. She hated sending them to him when they were in such a state but she couldn’t figure out what the sudden change had been, they had always loved spending time with their dad until suddenly the didn’t.

Harry came home from the studio at around lunchtime. His mum had brought the kids some hours earlier and Olivia had been with them for the few hours that they had been there. Harry did not expect to come home to two screaming, crying, hyperventilating children. How long have they been crying? Olivia rolled her eyes and told him they hadn’t shut up since they had gotten there, adding in that they had given her a splitting headache and she was very happy he was home because now they were his problem. Harry knew in that moment that he would have to break up with her. Her small comments about his children and the mother of his children needed to stop, he thought that once she got used to the idea of having the kids around and spending more time with them to get to know them a little better that the comments would stop, but they didn’t. He couldn’t change her, her hatred for children was so deep seeded there was no flipping this situation. He thought that perhaps they could spend one last night together and that he would break it off in the morning once the children had left, but then he noticed the bruises on the children’s arms. When he asked Lennon what had happened she simply pointed to Olivia and that was enough to send him into a fit. Olivia had her bags packed and was out of the house by nightfall.

Elizas doorbell rang at approximately 7.45pm. She found Harry on her doorstep childless. She panicked thinking something had happened to the twins at first and he must have seen it in her face because he just about jumped at the chance to tell her that his mother was watching them. This had been the first time since the kiss that the two had seen each other. She pulls the door open more than it had been and lets him stroll through. She makes him a coffee whilst she makes herself a tea and then he tells her everything. She wants to press charges, to hunt this lady down and give her a bruising. Harry tells her that the children need her to be with them at home and not in a jail cell, she decides for once that Harry may have the better judgement here and settles down with Harry promising to never bring her, or any other woman, around their kids every again. The following weekend, the family of four had an afternoon picnic at Fallon’s grave. It was nothing special, Eliza and Harry both cried the whole time, holding each other extra tight. It had been a rough year for the both of them, they had come so far yet here they found themselves back where they belonged the most... in each other’s arms, surrounded by all their children. With Olivia gone, Koa and Lennon relaxed and seemed to be once again enjoying their time with Harry. Truth be told, she had been enjoying time with Harry too. He became a regular for breakfasts at Eliza’s, and then when the kids were at kindy he became a regular for lunch, and then dinner and then a regular in her bed. This has been over the course of a few months, Eliza made boundaries very early on and part of her stipulations were that they needed to have weekly therapy and not put too much pressure on themselves. In true Harry and Eliza style, the two didn’t take things too slow.

Harry and Eliza remarried in a causal courthouse ceremony in late January, his mum and Gemma were their witnesses. They went to a swanky restaurant to celebrate with the most expensive Sunday roast dinner Harry has ever had in his life. Harry surprised the public with the news, they had somehow managed to keep the rekindling of their relationship under wraps and the media and fans lost their minds in unison. The pair were a hot topic for days.

harrystyles Eliza Ray Styles, I am so lucky that you agreed to marry me twice in one lifetime. I don’t deserve you, but I will love you until the day I die. Love you, wife. Liked by elizastyles, annetwist and 32,763,278 others. A few weeks later, it was their turn to be surprised with news that they were once again expecting. Both Harry and Eliza were secretly relieved to only see one baby on the screen at the first appointment. Eliza decided to keep this pregnancy to herself, Harry had no tours and no press junkets and no radio interviews and the pair were both able to fully enjoy the pregnancy. Eliza went into labour in the early out of October 3rd, what would have been Fallon’s 6th birthday, and gave birth and home in the water just six hours later. They once again found themselves trending for days after the announcement of the birth of their son.

elizastyles for the last nine months, we have been holding the news of this little blessing very close to our hearts. One month ago, Jairus Cohen Styles arrived three weeks early, happy and healthy, and shares a birthday with his Angel sister Fallon Noel. Our family is complete. We are both tired and in love ❤️ Liked by harrystyles, jefezoff and 7,625,618 others.

#Harry styles #harry styles fanfictions #harry styles fanfic #harry styles oneshot #harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles writing #hs2 #harry styles tpwk #harry styles fine line #fine line

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st-just · 3 years

Text

Semi-coherent Thoughts on the Poppy War Series

(Because I really need to start forcing myself to write semi-consistently again)

So I’ll say outright that I actually liked the series quite a bit, which does mean I actually got engaged and invested enough to start turning it over and picking it apart in my head after I finished it. So, like, this is probably going to come across as more negative overall than my actual opinions of the books.

Anyway, first off I really do adore Rin as a protagonist (I’d say ‘heroine’, but, well, no). Now partially this is because I always love even minimally sympathetic morally grey (..grey like coal soot, in this case) protagonists. But she’s just also such a complete garbage fire of a person, it’s kind of endearing. Well, that’s a bit callous – her entire personality is more or less a conflict between different kinds of unhealthy responses to powerlessness and trauma. Be she’s also just such a mess, and when she really starts leaning into delusions of grandeur you can’t help but root for her and hope things do actually turn out okay, regardless of how many fivers of blood she’s currently fantasizing about creating.

A big part of that is just how thoroughly awful the entire setting is, and how terrible everyone in it are, of course. Like, there are basically exactly three developed character in the entire trilogy who are unambiguously at least mostly good people (Chen, probably Venka, specifically the amnesiac and semi-delusional version of Jiang, but that’s being generous), and the fact that they stick around with Rin right to the end kind of puts that into doubt, honestly. Beyond that – almost every family has negligent or abusive parents, and literally every political figure is a bloody-handed tyrant ruling through violence and fear. The Hesperians are racist imperialists convinced they have a divine mandate to conquer the world, the Mugenese are every horror story from the IJA during WW2 translated to a pre-industrial fantasy setting, the ruling elite of Nikara are so many racist, scheming, power-hungry snakes with no concerns except their own position....

And, part and parcel with how terrible the setting is, Kuang does an incredible job of making all the worst things Rin does (until the final act, anyway) incredibly cathartic and badass and fun-in-a-fucked-up-way to read. There’s a terrible sort of awe while she turns the main islands of not!Japan into a pyroclastic hellscape. And whenever she gets a chance to enact any of her numerous revenges on some of the many people who abused and betrayed her it’s always poetic, in a Count-of-Monte-Cristo sort of way, and so kind of sickly compelling, even beyond it being some of the only times Rin’s really hopeful and happy. (Also, there are fun villainous monologues and quippy post-murder one-liners!)

Also, all forms of love are a terrible idea 100% of the time and is only going to end in at least one of the parties dead, abused, or (more or less literally) killing themselves in order to keep up with the other/earn their approval/try to keep them together. (I mean, Rin mostly had horrible taste in men, but Chen wasn’t able to stay mad at her for longer than a few months even after the whole ‘genocide’ thing, which he’s just about the only person to react to with any horror whatsoever. And look at how that ended up working out for him, so-)

I’m sure comparing grimdark fantasy to A Song of Ice And Fire is thoroughly out of fashion by now, but the overall perspective really did strike me as incredibly similar to Martin’s, a lot of the time. ‘Legitimate’ power and ‘lawful’ authority are ultimately nothing but polite fictions maintained by violence, terror and brutal oppression. War is a hell suffered most keenly by civilians with the misfortune to live and die in the middle of it, and least of all by the people with the power who actually start and end them. A flawed and unequal peace is very often preferable to dragging everything to hell with you as you die for the sake of freedom. And so on.

Now, to start the nitpicking – this is entirely personal and aesthetic, but it was kind of annoying how each of the first two books ended in moments of megalomaniac grandeur and terrifying empowerment, and then the next book started with a timeskip of things having gone to shit and her back under someone else’s thumb, and then a solid majority of the text is spent getting manipulated, betrayed, and finally crawling and clawing her way back out to the same point (both emotionally and in terms of independence/vision) that she had been at the previous book’s climax.

This isn’t anything even close to unique to TPW, of course – everything going to shit between the end of one story and the start of the sequel is kind of endemic to a lot of genres, really. And it is frankly incredibly in character for Rin to go through cycles flipping between resentment at being manipulated and used, and desperately craving authority figures to tell her what she should do and give her validation as valuable or useful. Still a bit annoying to read, though.

I’m sure it’s more me than the books – not like they didn’t put in the effort – but I could just never get really invested in the whole enemies-to-almost-lovers-to-enemies-again-to-? Thing with Nezha. Like, he’s interesting in that you can do a 180 perspective flip and he’d clearly be just as suitable a protagonist as Rin is, and his life’s very sad and everything. But, like, we get a front row seat to Rin’s internal monologue, and she gets thirsty for plenty of terrible men (and one awful woman), the only thing that makes Nezha special is that he’s not at least twice her age. So I never really got nearly as emotionally invested in them as the books seemed to expect me to. Which does kind of hurt the whole final act of book three.

Speaking of – okay, the ending isn’t awful or anything, but it is kind of disappointing in being exactly what you would expect it to be, as far as Rin’s character arc goes? Which might be just because I was already primed to compare this to ASOIF and she just literally pulls a Daenerys (fire-aligned vengeance/justice character with revolutionary impulses and an autocratic sensibility is willing to burn down the world in the process of freeing it, goes mad with power and paranoia, needs to be put down for the good of the country), but still. Her reading Venka throwing her to the ground to avoid an assassination attempt as a betrayal and burning her to death before she realized what was happening was just really heavy handed, you know? Same with turning on Kitay, who at this point is her actual literal soulmate. (Also sad in a broader sense, because those two are like literally two of the only characters in the entire series I’d actually peg as worthy of/capable of being trusted with political power.)

The specifics aside, I’m a miserable enough person to appreciate how unsatisfying the actual resolution at the end of the book is – imperialism wins! Literally no choice but to sign those unequal treaties and hope you’re eventually able to grow strong enough to force them out! Everything is the same as before this forty-year cycle of wars except much, much worse! - but yeah, I really just don’t actually care about Nezha enough as a character for it to really land. Also Kitay and Venka deserved better, even if literally no one else did.

Anyway, yeah, good series. Would recommend if you like the genre and can stomach all the, well, everything.

#books #the poppy war #the dragon republic #the burning god #r. f. kuang #book review #in this essay I will #this is theoretically a writing blog

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beatskylar · 3 years

Text

A broken memory, is a knife to the heart. part 2

Part one.

```````````````

Julia’s heart breaks at the sight of Carmen, the loving and free women she fell in love with trapped between four walls, broken and gone. Her bright grey eyes that used to display love and respect for the man in front of her, now showing agony and hatred.

Chief informed everyone in the room that due to Carmen destroying the memory restoration device when she did, that there is a 74 percent chance she will be facing a similar situation as Mr. Calloway: stuck in a limbo of sorts, remembering two different versions of her life. The line unclear to her which is a lie, but that she will choose the reality she has been living.

If Julia thought what VILE did to agent Devineaux in their brief encounter was terrible… she doesn’t want to even imagine what they put Carmen through, if and for how long they tortured her till she broke.

She should have done something: got in contact with team red sooner or set her plan in motions without chief’s approval. She is never going to forgive herself.

“Carmen, you need to rest. You should not be fighting.” Shadowsan’s voice breaks through her thoughts, calm and patient against the unrest she feels. She tries to relax and remember that she isn’t the only one watching the grainy security feed. Zack and Ivy stand by each other, neither dare utter a word as they watch their boss refuse to listen to Shadowsan. Julia can’t help but remember when Carmen told her how the twins are balls of energy, especially Zack.

“I’m telling you Jules; I have never seen them so focused before. Three days with no sleep and yet neither of them showed any signs of exhaustion. It was like just being in the same room as each other, was keeping them constantly energized.” The two quietly laughed at the story the thief finished recalling, the time she foolishly bet against the duo that she could stay up longer than them.

“I bet there is never a dull moment when they are in the room.” Was all Julia could reply, trying to hide the blush that arose due to Carmen using the nickname, a sure-fire way to make the agent blush in an instant. She hopes the thief doesn’t notice it, but she doubts anything gets passed Carmen.

Her suspicions are confirmed when the thief smiles, the smile only reserved for her. Sincere, happy, and attentive. The same smile she always wears around her, somehow becoming brighter whenever she get Julia to blush.

Agent Devineaux and agent Zari sat quietly at the table in the middle of the room, both watching the scene unfold. Agent Zari only wanting to be in the room to see the great Carmen Sandiego and understand how ACME has been unable to successfully capture her till last night. Agent Devineaux on the other hand is clearly worried over la femme rouge, gasping when Carmen breaks free of Shadowsan’s grasp only to hit the steel sink in the middle of her back. He’s quick to hide his worry by pretending he’s gasping because he moved and irritated the injuries Carmen inflicted on him.

Julia can see through his charades. His feelings and opinion over Carmen changed ever since the two worked together to save Julia in Egypt, even before that. Chase had finally seen Carmen for who she truly was, a thief who stole from other thieves.

Then VILE happened.

“Don’t touch me, traitor!” Carmen yells, not even batting an eye to hitting the sink. All her focus is on Shadowsan. She isn’t going to let her guard down.

“Can you tell me more about… Shadowsan? Did I say his name right?”

“Jules you should know by now, you are never wrong,” the lady in red pauses for a moment, deciding what she should tell. They both had a clear rule that they followed. Whenever they had time alone, neither would reveal anything too important involving their work. “Okay, I can tell you that he means the world to me. I am extremely lucky to have him with me, since the very beginning, even if I didn’t see all the help he was giving me.”

“You’re lucky to have each other.”

“I’m lucky to have team red and you.”

“Can we turn off the audio, please?” Player ask from behind the laptop’s screen, and when Julia looks over at him, she sees clear sings that he has been crying silently. Besides Shadowsan, he’s known Carmen the longest and was the last person to believe that his best friend was stealing for VILE, despite all the evidence they collected during her crime sprees.

He didn’t even believe Zack, Ivy and Shadowsan when they told him the terrifying truth. Carmen attempted to murder the redheaded male; he only accepted the reality when he saw it for his own eyes. The black and white video Julia found showing Carmen and Zack. The latter begging for help and with a wickedly sweet voice Carmen told him the fate that awaited him.

“That’s impossible! Carmen loves us, she would never do anything that puts us in danger,” Player denied, shaking his head as he ran his hands over his exhausted face, clearly tired of this conversation. “We are her family, and she would die protecting us.”

“Player please- “Ivy tried to calm the teen, but her brother interrupted her efforts.

“I looked her dead in the eyes, Player! She looked right at me while I asked if she was okay, if she recognized me!... All she said was that she recognized a problem, right before she kicked me,” Zack finished quietly, biting his second index finger knuckle as he shakily inhaled and exhaled. Tears threatening to fall down his face while he recalls the events he lived through, as his sister begins to rub his back, trying and failing to comfort him. “I don’t know what or how, but VILE turned her against us.”

“No, she has to be playing them. You know, destroying them from the inside out, right?” Looking over at everyone one at a time, his gaze remains on Shadowsan’s when he speaks again, “You know Carmen, she’s not capable of doing such a heinous crime. That’s why you failed her, because you knew deep down, inside your heart she could never take someone’s life. Carmen wouldn’t try to kill Zack, or anyone for that matter.”

“I know how hard this is to hear, but only because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s a lie.”

With that, the entire room falls into silence. Seconds quickly become minutes, and those minutes feel like lifetimes. Julia can see in Player’s eyes that he still doesn’t believe them, and she won’t blame him. For so long, Carmen always presented herself as untouchable, even when she was clearly injured, she fought on. She stood her ground against VILE and ACME, and despite both organizations best efforts Carmen was always one step ahead of them.

“Player, I need to show you something,” unlocking her tablet, Julia quickly located the carnivals security cameras. “I hoped I wouldn’t have to show you this, but it’s the only thing that will open your eyes. Despite Mr. Calloway turning off the electricity at the carnival, the cameras inside each pod continued recording, running on their backup batteries.”

The video immediately begins when the power was cut off, Zack on his knees while Carmen stalks towards him. The camera’s angle above the door still being able to record the pleased smile forming on Carmen’s face. “Carm, what’s wrong? Don’t you recognize me?”

“I recognize a problem.” In an instant she kicks him, a swift kick to his chest with enough power to push him back and through the closed doors. Zack yells as he barely manages to grab a hold of the side of the pod, the scream of the people below barely being loud enough to be captured by the camera.

“Carm, help me. I can’t hold on.”

“See all those tiny dots?” The camera is no longer to see Carmen fully, but her voice is clear as day. The venom from her words deadlier than poison. “Try hitting the one that looks like your partner on the way down.”

“No!”

With that Julia closes her tablet and before she can apologize to them, Player speaks up. “I’m s-s-sorry Zack. I-I-I should have believed y-you.” Tears roll down his face, as he struggled to finish his sentence.

With a sigh, Chief walks over to the console and flips the audio off, throwing the room in complete silence as no one knew what to say. What do you say when someone as great as Carmen Sandiego falls?

No noise is produces as everyone watches Carmen continue to strike at Shadowsan, both clearly speaking. Carmen’s right foot springs into a forward motion as she uses the momentum to rotate her body at 180 degrees, missing Shadowsan completely as her foot comes in contact with the wall. Without even reacting to the pain, she just put herself through. Immediately she spins with her left elbow out, but she is only able to hit the wall again. Nothing seems to register in her mind as she pushes off her right foot in an attempt to punch the ninja, but luckily, he’s able to sidestep her and knock her out in a second. A single attack to the back of her neck is enough to make her fall into his waiting arms.

Cradled by him, he says something before he lifts her in his arm completely. Holding her bride style against his chest as he walks them back to the bed, being careful to place her down gently. Kneeling by her side, Shadowsan remains by her side for a moment before rising and leaving.

It doesn’t take long for him to enter the room they are in, being right next to Carmen. His features remaining neutral as the twins hug him for a moment before remembering who he is. Both whisper their apologies, but he simply places a hand of each of their shoulders.

“Agent Zari has agent Strode given any indications of when she will be able to fix the device?” Chief asks, looking directly at agent Zari, who looks down at her phone for a brief moment before replying.

“A few days at most.”

“Tell agent Strode to report to agent Argent the moment she is done,” taking one last look at Carmen, Chief fixes her gaze towards Shadowsan. “How long do we have before VILE starts suspecting something is wrong?”

“I am unable to tell. Carmen’s father was able to go weeks, even months without contacting them as long as he always made his prolonged trips worth it. Ever since his death, they never allowed a faculty member to leave their headquarters unless it was absolutely necessary,” he pauses as he looks at Carmen’s unconscious form, and Julia might be seeing things, but she swears she saw a single tear roll down his face. “If Crackle is telling the truth, they might be showing Carmen leniency due to her high success rate.”

“So, maybe, we might have a few days at most. Does anyone have a plan to keep VILE unaware of all of this or help Carmen remember the truth?”

Julia hates the silence that continues to overtake the room. A room filled with four agents of a brilliant organization, a master of remaining unseen, a professional driver, a strong mechanic and skillful hacker can’t find a solution to save Carmen.

“What if we do our own version of a bait and switch?” Zack offers, his voice quiet and unsure of himself. When everyone looks at him, he seems surprised at his own idea.

“Like we did in Stockholm?” Player ask, and slowly the twins start forming the plan.

“Yeah. We throw VILE off Carmen’s scent! Ivy could dress up in Carmen’s coat and hat- “

“Popping up around the world and we pretending to rob something of historical importance!”

“We make sure the news knows its ‘Carmen’ committing these crimes and ask the authorities to hide the artifacts till we save the real Carmen!” Zack and Ivy bounce the idea off each other, both interrupting the other when needed to tweak the plan. She won’t lie, it seems like a doable plan considering Ivy has already been able to trick ACME and she doubt VILE is going to know better than they did. Plus, Chiefs already been able to get the Eye of Vishnu back on display and she has enough connections to continue.

“That would buy us some time. If VILE sees that Carmen is simply continuing to steal, they won’t ask any questions.”

“And I think I know how we can jog Carmen’s old memories back.”

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#carmen x julia #julia x carmen #carmen sandiego #player #shadowsan #agent devineaux #zack and ivy #julia argent #julesthief #jules argent #my writing #vile faculty #acme

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thebluelemontree · 4 years

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Is it wrong to say that Sansa uses an out of sight out of mind coping mechanism? I noticed it because it's what I do a lot. I know some ppl say she rewrites traumatic memories to make the memories bearable but it doesn't make sense. If that was how she coped, wouldn't she have been telling herself lies about Joffrey still in acok? Or found a way to erase/rewrite Marillion's attempt to rape her?

Yes and no. She does that except all the times she doesn’t. ;) I think that characterization is extremely reductionist (and ignores character complexity and growth) when it’s applied that broadly to every situation Sansa has been in. You have to take these things instance by instance because they aren’t all the same. Sometimes that labeling doesn’t fit at all. In many cases, it feels more like the fandom pathologizing the act of romanticizing or trying to push aside or reframe something unpleasant or even traumatic when that’s just something most human beings do now and then. Some do it more than others, but its all within the realm of typical coping behavior and being older or more educated or more “logical” doesn’t make one immune to it. So I hope you don’t let those interpretations make you feel abnormal or more fallible for identifying with Sansa in that way. Romanticizing doesn’t even have to be about coping at all, but simply expressing desire through daydreams. People imagine being in idealized scenarios with crushes all the time.

You also hit the nail on the head. Sansa just doesn’t go around making up false narratives about every objectively awful thing that happens to her. In fact, her actual responses to those moments can be a useful basis for comparison when we’re analyzing the unkiss, for example. Misunderstanding the unkiss is usually where a lot of these assumptions stem from. That’s a whole other can of worms in itself. The unkiss is just too long of a discussion to put here, so I just recommend this post as to the reasons why it isn’t about trauma and take a browse through my unkiss tag. It does bear repeating that Sansa factually remembers every scary thing that happened during the Blackwater and why it happened, indicating she has processed it honestly and critically, before any incarnation of the unkiss happens. The unkiss is a mismemory added on to the facts, which began as her being the actor that kissed him first. It’s not a lie to deny the facts or to excuse his behavior. It’s regrettable to her that Sandor was not able to be the person she could rely on to get her out of KL at that time. Nonetheless, this repressed desire is just so strong in her that it manifested in a kiss so real she could remember how it felt after the reality of his leaving KL for good sank in.

Early AGOT Sansa tended to want to move past unpleasantness rather quickly. Just sweep those red flags under the rug so everything can go back to blissful harmony. Sansa is naturally averse to conflict and just wants her present with the royal family to be smooth sailing into a bright future. Ned had a very similar tendency when it came to concerns over Robert’s true character. He saw things that disturbed him, but he hoped and clung to his idea of Robert anyway. For Sansa, this resulted in some misplaced blame and rewriting events so she could deal with the aftermath. This is mostly seen in her processing the Mycah incident after Lady’s death and how her perception of all the characters involved shifted in varying ways. This is after she knew perfectly well what really happened, because Ned says Sansa had already told him the truth of what Joffrey did while Arya was still missing. However, it would also be unfair to completely chalk this up to Sansa’s idiosyncrasies. We have to put her flip-flopping in the context of the situation as well. She’s also experienced a gutting loss with Lady’s death and the fact that the first blow to her innocence was her father volunteering to put Lady down. She doesn’t have Catelyn to go to with her confusion and hurt, and Ned has largely been silent. She’s also still engaged to Joffrey through all this, this is still a patriarchy, there are political ramifications to speaking against a crown prince, and she doesn’t know how to deal with seeing such cruelty and vindictiveness in her future husband. Especially when he responded to her tender concern and wanting to help him with venom and hate.

I mean, jeez, she’s 11. I don’t expect an 11 year old to understand how to identify the signs of emotional manipulation or see how this situation can escalate into domestic violence. Just because Sansa can’t articulate what is happening within her relationship with Joffrey, doesn’t mean she has blocked out any notion that Joffrey can turn his anger on her. Part of the reason she misplaces blame on Arya (and rewrites what happened) is because Joffrey turns scornful of Sansa for being a witness to his emasculating shame. He punishes her with the cold shoulder because she didn’t immediately take his side and pretended not to see instead. He regains power through making Sansa feel small and fearful of his moods.

“He had not spoken a word to her since the awful thing had happened, and she had not dared to speak to him.” -- Sansa II, AGOT.

Sansa looked at him and trembled, afraid that he might ignore her or, worse, turn hateful again and send her weeping from the table. -- Sansa II, AGOT.

This is coming from someone who is supposed to love her and someone she will spend the rest of her life with. To fix things, she must be unequivocally on Joffrey’s side going forward or suffer the consequences, which we can see happening as her story completely flips over breakfast sometime later. This is not saying Sansa is fully exonerated from not supporting her sister when she needed her, but that it’s understandable how she arrived at this point. Even when things start to get really bad after Ned’s arrest, Sansa still holds out some hope that she can appeal to Joffrey’s (and Cersei’s) love for her to get him to be merciful. Is it really her fault she believed a part of Joffrey really loved her (and thus was reachable by her pleas) if he also heavily love bombed her and treated her like she was the most special girl in the world? Love bombing is a classic feature of the seduction phase leading up to abuse.

So we can see Sansa does ignore truths and rewrite events sometimes and her personality is a factor; however, the context surrounding it matters a lot. Post Ned’s execution, Sansa does a full 180 regarding Joffrey and Cersei.

Sansa stared at him, seeing him for the first time. He was wearing a padded crimson doublet patterned with lions and a cloth-of-gold cape with a high collar that framed his face. She wondered how she could ever have thought him handsome. His lips were as soft and red as the worms you found after a rain, and his eyes were vain and cruel. "I hate you," she whispered. -- Sansa VI, AGOT.

Once she had loved Prince Joffrey with all her heart, and admired and trusted his mother, the queen. They had repaid that love and trust with her father's head. Sansa would never make that mistake again. -- Sansa I, ACOK.

"A monster," she whispered, so tremulously she could scarcely hear her own voice. "Joffrey is a monster. He lied about the butcher's boy and made Father kill my wolf. When I displease him, he has the Kingsguard beat me. He's evil and cruel, my lady, it's so. And the queen as well." -- Sansa I, ASOS.

There’s also her conscious efforts to push away thoughts of her dead family and Jeyne Poole, but she states why she does that. It’s traumatic, the tears start flowing uncontrollably, and she is desperately trying to avoid falling into another suicidal depression. Her survival in KL depends on her holding it together and appearing loyal and obedient to Joffrey. Mourning her loved ones would imply to Joffrey she is plotting treason. Besides, she knows that even if she did ask Cersei or LF about Jeyne, she has no reason to believe they’d do anything but lie to her face in a patronizing way. There’s no point being plagued with wondering what the truth might be when she can’t do anything about it. Still, she prayed for Jeyne wherever she might be. She genuinely thought Arya had made it to WF on the ship and was safe at least until she got word of her brothers’ deaths and her home being sacked by the Iron Born, though there was initially a touch of projection and fantasizing about Arya being free while she remains captured. As of Feast, she believes she is the last Stark left alive and she has no one but Littlefinger to help her. So while she is suppressing her grief, it’s done with good reason, and it’s not being replaced with any false narratives to cope.

We also cannot ignore that her relationship to Sandor Clegane has instilled in her an appreciation for the un-sugarcoated truth now that she has experienced betrayal and injustice first hand. In his own way, he’s encouraged her to listen to her own inner bullshit detector. The rose-tinted glasses have become a lot more clear compared to where she started. This is a newly learned skill though, and her self-confidence has been wrecked by internalized verbal abuse. She’s also been left on her own to figure out people’s intentions by herself, which runs parallel to her mounting desperation to get out of KL as Joffrey’s violence escalates. Developing a touch more of a jaded, skeptical side does sometimes clash with her enduring idealism and faith in other people (like with the Tyrells). This struggle is not a bad thing. The goal isn’t to become as cynical as the Hound, but to arrive at an earned optimism that has been tempered by wisdom and practical experience.

Her situation with Littlefinger is much more challenging than anything she faced in KL. He moves her where he wants her to go with complex web of lies, manipulation, grooming, isolation, coercion, dependence, guilt and shame. Her safety and desire to go home are tightly bound to being complicit in his lies and criminal activities. She feels indebted to him for getting her out of KL, even though his methods push her past her boundaries and force her to compromise her moral integrity. The thing is, there are things Sansa does know about LF, but she doesn’t seem to be ready to try and put the puzzle pieces together. She’s not daring to ask probing questions about Lysa’s reference to the “tears” and Jon Arryn or about the possible dangers of Maester Colemon prescribing sweetsleep for Robert’s convulsions. While the subject of Jeyne’s fate is still one she doesn’t want to revisit, somewhere in her mind she does know LF took custody of her friend. If it feels like this is somewhat of a regression back to her early AGOT self, there’s probably some truth to that; however, it’s perfectly okay for positive character arcs to be an imperfect progress. There can be relapses, regressions, setbacks, missteps, and misguided actions. All that growth isn’t lost. Everything she knows is just stored in the back of her mind, not forgotten completely. The general trend line moves her toward successfully confronting Littlefinger with the truth when GRRM is ready to pull the trigger. She’s definitely aware of Littlefinger lying to her more than she lets on and she knows his help is not out of the kindness of his heart, but motivated by what he wants her to be to him. But it’s not like she has the option to go anywhere else, does she? She’s a wanted criminal with a bounty on her head and has no other friend or ally in the Vale she can trust with the truth of her identity. Confronting LF without any means of neutralizing his power over her isn’t the smartest thing to do when he’s shown her he can literally get away with multiple murders. Again, it’s not just her personality that makes her hesitant to pull back the veil and face the horrible truth head on. The outside forces pressuring her perceptions and behavior cannot be discounted either.

#valyrianscrolls #sansa stark meta #sansa stark #joffrey baratheon #sandor clegane #littlefinger #cersei #asoiaf characterization #the unkiss #character arcs #my meta #anonymous

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pink-imagines · 4 years

Text

spice it up

request: Ok this is something that’s been on my mind for a couple of days now, and it’s SUPER CHEESY but plz bear with me haha. I’ve been watching a lot of ANTM and it inspired me to think about an au where Bakugo is a pro-hero and Y/N is a upcoming top model visiting Japan to walk and display a new line of lingerie based off of Pro-Hero’s costumes (kinda like for a Victoria’s Secret fashion show) She’s chosen to wear the Ground Zero lingerie and she gets permission to shadow Bakugo for a day or two to get a read on his personality so she can base her walk off of him. Thing is, off the catwalk, Y/N’s personality is free-spirited, laidback and even a little shy, so when Bakugo meets her he’s like “why the fuck would they choose an extra like her to be me?” but little does he know on the catwalk her personality does a complete 180 and is outrageously fierce and confident. Pro-hero’s got a free invitation to the fashion show so with some convincing from his friends (and maybe because he was curious to see how the hell she was going to pull this off) he goes to the show and his reaction to when she steps on the catwalk… Lol I want to leave it up to you. Wow that was wayyy longer then I expected it to be. I’m sorry to spam you like that 😂 I feel like ppl are either going to love or hate this idea so if you don’t want to write it I honestly don’t blame you haha. Either way I love your posts! You’re writing style is very fun to read!

a/n: hellooo! hope you’re doing well! sorry for the late update, but i hope that this is an alright imagine!

warnings: description of lingerie(??)

masterlist

You were exhausted. The airport had always been a stressful place, but now you were jetlagged aswell. Flying to Japan wasn’t an easy task, but it was worth it. You carefully pushed the sunglasses you were wearing up the bridge of your nose. It was a weak disguise, but you really couldn’t care less.

“The car’s waiting outside. Let’s hurry up.”, your manager spoke fast. You grabbed your bag and followed after her. The paparazzi were flooding the exit, luckily they had put up fences. This was one of the reasons you had to look atleast a little bit dressed up on airports. Which was the most uncomfortable thing ever, but you just had to live with it. By “dressed up” they usually just meant “don’t wear sweatpants”. So you could still wear your comfy pair of jeans and a nice sweater or something of the sort.

“How do you feel after travelling so much? From New York, to London, to Paris and now here in Tokyo. How do you cope?” The same questions were popping up everywhere, but you didn’t stop for any of them. The only time you did stop was when you saw a few fans getting strangled against the fence. You hurried towards them, got their things signed and made sure they got back to safety.

“Let’s go, Y/N.”, your manager warned.

“Coming!”, you sighed and kept walking.

The next day you were driven to the place where you’d be messured for the lingerie.

“Y/N? Over here, honey!”, the designer said. He got you into a chair as soon as you arrived.

“What do you have for me today, Ray?”, you smiled kindly.

“So, heroes are a big thing. So we’ve made a line of hero-inspired lingerie, we think it’ll be a hit.”, he said with a big grin and showed you the sketches, “We’ll get them ready as soon as possible, but we need to match the right hero to the right model.”

“Alright, I trust your judgement.”, you looked through the sketches, “Give it to me, Ray.”

“Okay, okay. Since you’re the most charesmatic of the girls, we want you take care of the hothead.”, he pointed at one of the sketches, “Ground Zero.” You looked at the sketch. The top was some sort of dulled down orange color, in a lacy material. That wasn’t that bad, it was the usual, but there was a leather harness on top of it... a leather harness that connected to a leather choker. The bottoms were high-waisted and in the same lace material but black. But that wasn’t it. There was a pair of leather, knee-high, boots along with it.

“It’s... extreme.”, you sighed, “But, sure... I’ll do it.”

“Oh, thank you, Y/N. You’re a life saver, no model in Japan wanted to take the roll.”, he chuckled, “Here I’ll show you what we thought we should do for the face.” He showed you a face with cat-eye eyeliner, a simple nude lip and some sort of explosion looking thing behind the ears. You guessed that was a part of Ground Zero’s hero costume.

“Looks great, Ray.”, you smiled.

“Go get yourself meassured, your manager is booking you a meeting with Ground Zero so that you can study his personality.”, he said calmly and started to walk away.

How had you gotten yourself in this mess? To be honest, you didn’t know anymore. Everything happened so fast and now suddenly you were in the lobby of a hero agency, waiting for Ground Zero to go on his lunch break.

��Y/N Y/L/N?”, a rough voice asked behind you. You turned around to see a pair of crimson eyes staring into your soul. His hair was messy and he was just wearing jeans, a hoodie and a leather jacket. You didn’t know why you thought he’d show up in his hero costume.

“I’m guessing you’re Ground Zero?”, you stretched out your hand.

“You can say Bakugo.”, he scoffed and ignored your stretched out hand. He instead put his hands in his pockets.

“Are you ready to go?”, you asked.

“Why else would I be here?”, he sighed and walked to the exit. This was gonna be an exhausting week.

Bakugo walked as if he had just proven a point, or like he had just won an argument. To say the least, there was only pure confidence flooding in his veins. You hated it, but you simply had to see this as a job. You weren’t in your body, you were only watching from the audience.

“Are you just gonna sit there looking at me? You’re not gonna talk?”, he quirked an eyebrow at you.

“Fine then... um... what kind of music do you listen to?”, you asked innocently.

“Music?”, he bursted out into laughter, “That’s it? You really are just another extra!”

“Listen, man, you’re the one who wanted to talk. So talk.”, you kept your calm, you didn’t want to make a scene out in public.

“Eh- this place sucks, let’s go to my apartment. We can talk there.”, he shrugged and walked faster.

“Your apartment?”, you squeaked.

You were just supposed to follow him around for a while every day, but now you were in his apartment. This was only the first day! His apartment was nice though... it kind of had an oldschool aesthetic to it. Like he came straight out of a private school in England during the 1980′s.

“You asked what kind of music I’m into or something?”, he sighed and walked over to a record player after taking off his shoes and hanging up his jacket. You stopped for a second. Didn’t he just make fun of you for asking that? You watched as he flipped through a few records.

“Yeah, I did.”, you answered cautiosly and hung up your coat next to his jacket.

He effortlessly handled one of the vinyls and quickly put it on the record player... it started playing and-... was that The Beatles? Bakugo sat down on his couch as if it wasn’t extremely shocking for him to listen to this.

“You listen to The Beatles?”, you asked as Paul McCartney started signing the first verse of Yesterday.

“Who doesn’t?”, he sighed, “C’mon, sit down.” You sat down in one of the armchair’s and finished listening to the song.

“You don’t seem like you listen to this kind of music.”, you commented as the next song started playing.

“I don’t only listen to this, idiot.”, he snarked, “This was the first thing I found.”

“Whatever you say.”

A few days went by and you’d go through the same schedule. Wait for Bakugo to go out for his lunchbreak, walk around for a bit, go to his apartment and go home when he had to start his next shift. He started making you lunch, and he was a surprisingly good cook.

For the last day he stopped you before you parted ways.

“Wait-... can I meet you at your hotel later tonight?”, he actually looked a little bit nervous for once.

“I mean, yeah... but why?”, you gave him an unsure smile.

“I’ll take you out for food, something spicy... unless you can’t handle that.”, he grinned, his confidence was suddenly back.

“You wanna bet?”, your laughed.

“Alright then, it’s a bet.”, he chuckled, “I’ll meet you around 7 in the lobby.”

“For sure. I’ll see you!”, you waved goodbye and so did he.

Just when you were about to sneak out to the lobby your manager walked past.

“Where are you going?”, she asked.

“I was just uh...”

“And why’s Ground Zero in the lobby? He’s starting a commotion! We don’t need that, we need you to rest for the show tomorrow!”, she sighed.

“Please, I just wanted to-”

“No, Y/N. You can’t go out tonight, you have a damn show tomorrow.”

“Well, please just tell Bak- I mean... Ground Zero that I can’t come... and that I’m sorry.”, you pleaded, “Please.”

“Fine...”, she agreed.

The next day you woke up early to go to the fitting, so that you could later that day go to the show. Since they had your measurments, it fit perfectly.

“Hey, Laura!”, you stopped your manager as she passed by your make up station.

“Yeah, what’s up? Need anything?”, she asked.

“No-... I was just wondering if you know if Ground Zero would be here tonight.”, you asked.

“I don’t know, honey.”, she sighed, “He hasn’t said anything about it.”

“Alright, thank you.”

You got a moment alone in your changing room before you were going backstage. There was a harch knock on the door, which prompted you to go over to it and open the door.

“Is it time to come out n-”, you stopped dead in your tracks when you saw Bakugo in front of you.

“Hey.”, he said quietly.

“Hi.”, you responded, “How did you get back here?”

“It’s not that hard for a hero of my status.”, he grinned and puffed up his chest a bit.

“Okay, okay...”, you chuckled and wrapped the silk robe you had on tighter around you, “Well, I’m happy you made it.”

“Y/N! Showtime!”, you heard your manager shout.

“Coming!”, you answered.

“Good luck... on the show...”, he muttered.

“Thank you! I expect to see you in the crowd.”, you grinned and ran up to the backstage area.

Maybe he should’ve tried to see what she was wearing. He really hadn’t thought about it at all...

The show was in alphabetic order, so he’d have to sit there for a bit before she’d come out. He really didn’t care much for the other models and he might’ve fell asleep for a few minutes here and there... but that was the chair’s fault! It was too comfortable, it even had armrests! How could he not fall asleep? Just for a bit...

“Ground Zero!”, they shouted, making him almost jump out of his seat. Eijiro, who sat beside him, let out a quiet chuckle.

“Shut up, man...”, he whispered before glueing his eyes to the runway. He didn’t even recognize her at first. Y/N was... different... and it wasn’t just the clothing... or more like the lack there of.

Her whole aura was different when she walked she was like a whole new person. She was fierce, confident, simply the embodiment of a goddess of war and destruction. Katsuki’s eyes were glued to her, every curve and edge, and his mouth was slightly agape in shock. He didn’t even realize that people were taking pictures of him.

After the show Katsuki made his way backstage, where he met up with Y/N who was now wrapped up in her silk robe again.

“What did you think? Did you like it?”, she grinned.

“I-...”, he looked around at the people around him who were all watching, “It was alright.”

“Alright?”, you laughed, “Okay then, you diva, I’m gonna go get changed!” His gaze followed her form as she walked away from him to her changing room... until he noticed that people were staring at him.

“Oi! What are you looking at!?”

The next day you were already at the airport early in the morning, which was way to early since the plane didn’t leave for another hour. So you decided to look at the articles about last night.

You scrolled quickly through most of them until you saw a picture of a familiar face. It was Bakugo! Looking absolutely star struck as your figure strutted down the runway. A smile spread across your lips and you took a screenshot of the photo.

“Hey, do we have Ground Zero’s buisness email or something like that?”, you asked your manager.

“I can get it for you. Why do you need it?”, she quirked an eyebrow at you.

“Oh, I just wanted to thank him.”, you smiled sweetly, “Also, do you know the next time I’ll be working in Japan?”

“In a few months or so.”

“Perfect.” You couldn’t wait.

tagged for this fic: @bnha-violetnote | @succulent-momma

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dukeofonions · 4 years

Text

Deceit’s Somewhat Acceptance Arc (And Why It Feels Off)

So I was gonna do the video game post first, but then I remembered I’d started this one before I left for the weekend and decided to finish it. As a result, it’s kinda messy and my thoughts are all over the place, I had to delete and rewrite is several times, but I think I managed to get my overall thoughts there.

As always, this is just my opinion. You are free to agree, disagree, or feel completely indifferent towards a random person who spends their free time dissecting fictional characters.

We all good? Let’s go then.

I won’t lie, Deceit was the best part of this video. I didn’t think he’d be included as much as he was. Originally, I thought he’d be content to lurk in the shadows and let Thomas deal with the repercussions of not heeding him in the first place and leave him to sort through the mess himself without his help. Possibly having a cameo in the end, foreshadowing some major event that’s soon to take place, but I was completely wrong and he got the best freaking entrance and completely owned the episode.

It was great, seeing him take on his role of self preservation and defend Thomas, who was being harmed unknowingly by Patton with how far he was taking things. He encouraged Thomas to start taking better care of his mental health, was given a seat at the table, and even showed they could trust him by revealing his name: Janus

It was wonderful, beautiful, and I have a lot of issues with this.

Let me explain, on its own, the whole scene building up to Deceit revealing his name, and the following aftermath, is perfect.

What feels off to me is Janus himself, he feels like a completely different character compared to the Deceit we met in Can Lying Be Good? and saw in action during Selfishness vs Selflessness

To start, let’s briefly go over Deceit’s character throughout the first 5 episodes we see him in before we get to POF.

In his debut, Can Lying Be Good? He spends a majority of the episode disguised as Patton. Pushing Thomas to lie to his friend in order to spare their feelings and to avoid the possibility of Thomas being hurt. He’s shown to enjoy the distress the others are going through as the situation becomes more and more uncomfortable, and even gets close to being aggressive when Thomas decides he needs to be honest in this situation. Once it becomes clear Thomas won’t listen to him as Patton, he drops his act and reveals himself.

Immediately, we are given the impression that this is not someone we can trust. From the music, to Deceit’s entire demeanor, even the Sides’ reactions to him are enough to enforce that idea, as well as Deceit’s reactions to them.

With Logan, he immediately silences him, growling almost as if he’s annoyed and has had to do this before. He doesn’t really pay Logan any mind after his reveal and ignores him for the most part and Logan is more than eager to expose him for what he is.

Roman states that he “Hates this guy and his creepy snake face” while adding that he’s “Very kind” which Deceit responds to by giving him a false compliment. Showing right away that this has also happened before with these two (Logan is about to comment on the exchange but decides not to bother)

Virgil clearly has some deep rooted animosity towards Deceit. With the glare he shoots him and the two immediately throw insults at each other which comes back to play in almost all of their interactions.

We don’t really get much in terms of what Deceit’s character is really like with this first episode. We know he can be a threatening presence, but also has a bit of a goofier, dorky side to him as well. At this point, we’re not sure what his goals are or what his relationships with the other Sides are like (It’s obvious they all don’t like him) but for a while, this was all we got.

His next appearance was a brief cameo in Logic vs Passoin where he showed up after Logan exclaimed “I won’t have you lying to yourself!” Where he gave an evil chuckle, flipped Thomas off, then sank out without a word. This still didn’t give us much in regards to Deceit’s character, other than enforcing the fact that he didn’t like Thomas and showing that he had a bit of a mischievous side as well. It did, however, show that Thomas was easily distressed by him and wasn’t entirely on board with having Deceit for a Side yet.

After that, he disappears for 2 episodes before showing up during the end card of Embarrassing Phases, which is one of my favorite scenes in the series, and one that now causes a bit of problems which I will get back to later. Just note that this scene once again reinforces these things about Deceit: He is a threat, he can’t be trusted, he still has a bit of a goofy side, and on top of that his rivalry with Virgil is expanded upon and the idea that these two have a history is put up front and center.

Then finally, we get our first official episode that takes all we’ve learned about Deceit and amplifies them in Selfishness vs Selflessness. What we get is a character that can be cool and charismatic, but can also be silly. It’s still unclear what his overall goal is, and he delights in being proved right and winning against the others.

An interesting thing to note here is that all of the interactions Deceit has with the other Sides in CLBG Come back into play here.

He ignores Logan and keeps his input limited, he uses flattery on Roman to sway him to his side, and of course him and Virgil still have their rivalry, revealing more and more just how much Virgil hates Deceit. We also finally get to see his relationship with Patton, and see that he seems to hold almost the same amount of animosity towards Deceit as Virgil does. Thomas himself isn’t as frightened by him anymore, and is willing to hear him out, but he still doesn’t trust him.

Throughout the “trial” Deceit openly mocks the others, discredits them, and when he “wins” he rubs that victory in Thomas’ face and is shown laughing and celebrating while the others are at the lowest they’ve been. Things then take a turn when Roman decides to sentence Thomas to go to the wedding and give up the callback, which clearly distresses Deceit to the point where he nearly has a breakdown due to the others not being able to comprehend what he’s trying to say. Which is basically, selfishness isn’t always a bad thing, which he articulates a lot better in POF, but we’ll get back to that.

He leaves the episode shortly after Logan shows up, but not before delivering this rather ominous line: “It’s clear you all don’t want to listen to reason (while the embodiment of Thomas’ logic and reasoning is standing right next to him) but hear this: I’ll always be a part of you. I’m not going anywhere, and there are smarter ways to get people to do what you want anyway.”

Does that sound like a threat to anyone else? Or is it just me? Keep in mind at this point, everyone is still very much against Deceit, and he clearly is about to change tactics when it comes to dealing with them and getting what he wants. Another important thing to note is that this is the last time Thomas sees and deals with Deceit directly before we get to POF.

I should probably bring up Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts because while Deceit isn’t in the episode, he is mentioned a couple of times by Remus, who implies that it was Deceit himself who’s responsible for sending Remus out to antagonize the others. While this can’t be confirmed, Remus claims that Deceit said “You’re wanting to be more honest and be direct dealing with your issues, no longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you.”

(Admit it, you all sang that and added the little “Neat!” at the end. If you don’t, I’ll know you’re lying.)

This shows that Deceit is switching things up and making good on his “promise” that he made at the end of SVS by forcing Thomas to accept yet another part of him that he doesn’t like. One that, by comparison, is much worse than anything Deceit could bring to the table.

His next actual appearance is another cameo in Are There Healthy Distractions? where all he does is take his hat back from Roman and berates him for it. The only significant thing to happen here is Virgil’s reaction to seeing him, which again, I’ll get back to in a moment.

This was the last time we saw Deceit for awhile, we were then subjected to a long drought between episodes as people waited to see the aftermath of the wedding that was the main conflict of SVS. Keep in mind again that so far, Deceit has remained relatively the same mysterious, slightly villainous character that we’ve seen throughout his 5 appearances thus far in the series.

So you can see why some people would be shocked when he suddenly does a complete 180 and is going about promoting mental health while acting silly around Thomas and befriending Patton, the Side he went head to head with during his last main appearance, and is now being offered a seat at the table while showing genuine concern for Thomas and aiming to protect him, which goes to show that he cared all along.

Right?

Uh, yeah, I’m not buying it.

Well let me clarify, do I think Janus is evil? No. Is it impossible for him to actually care about Thomas? Of course not.

And do I think it’s possible for him to change from his villainous persona to a more friendly one? Absolutely.

The problem here is that it doesn’t feel earned. We’ve only had one full episode with Janus before this, and even in the brief appearances we got his character remained consistent throughout them all. It’s almost like there’s a piece of this puzzle missing, and I have a theory as to where it is.

In short, Janus has not been fully accepted yet. Thomas trusts him, and even Patton does now, but does Roman? Don’t make me laugh.

Logan? He was once again removed from the discussion by Janus, which is a running theme with these two, so I doubt he’d be quick to accept someone who continuously silences him unless it benefits him.

And the biggest factor of them all, Virgil.

He hates Janus, every interaction these two have had is filled with insults, glares, and Virgil becoming more aggressive than he’s ever been towards anyone in the series.

Just look at him in ATHD, when Janus shows up hardly anyone pays him any mind. Heck, Remus has continuously popped up throughout the episode and no one has batted an eye, not even Virgil. But as soon as Janus shows up he goes feral, hissing at him while Janus pays him no mind.

What is going on here?

It’s glaringly obvious that something has happened between these two, something that won’t be easily swept under the rug when it comes up.

For one thing, just compare Virgil’s relationship with Janus to his relationship with Remus. We see at the beginning of DWIT that, of course, Virgil is hostile towards Remus and hates him, while being distressed by him. The two know each other and seem to have a bit of a history of their own.

What’s the difference between Remus and Janus?

Well, Virgil gets over his fear of Remus in just one episode. By the time it ends, he isn’t bothered by Remus anymore and tells him as such. Remus even seems to be kind of fond of him as well. And when Remus appears again in ATHD, Virgil doesn’t acknowledge his presence at all. Yet when Janus shows up just to retrieve his hat from Roman, he goes into fight mode and probably would have attacked if he’d stayed for even a minute longer.

And if you need further proof, look no further than the end card of Embarrassing Phases and Janus’ parting words to Virgil: “Just be sure to keep up that personal growth Virgil. Who knows? Maybe soon you could be rid of us all.”

Again, does that not sound like a threat to anyone else? And why would he say that to Virgil? Is he implying that Virgil is trying to escape from them? Actually get rid of them? There’s so much that this could mean in regards to Janus’ character and what his motivations are, but then POF comes around and suddenly this doesn’t line up with his character at all.

Don’t tell me you could look at Janus at the end of this episode and say that this is the same guy. He’s gone from leaving an episode with a threat: “You’ve seen the last of me” “You could be rid of us all” “There are smarter ways to get people to do what you want anyway”

To this: “Take some time for yourself, Thomas.”

As well as rejoicing in being told he was right and advising Thomas to stop overthinking everything since, as we’ve now seen, it does not help him in the slightest.

So… What are we missing? What the heck is going on?

Well, I said it before and I’ll say it again: Janus hasn’t been fully accepted yet.

Really, only one Side out of the four main Sides has accepted Janus. This Side just happens to be Patton, Thomas’ morality, and the one thing that stood in the way of Janus getting his voice heard. Because as long as Thomas viewed lying as wrong, he’d never listen to him.

Now that he’s proven that isn’t the case, and that he can help, Patton (and therefore Thomas) no longer sees him as evil.

But again, Roman, Logan, and Virgil have yet to do so. We know how Roman and Virgil feel about Janus, but we have yet to get Logan’s clear view on him since every time Janus has shown up, he’s been left out of the conversation. Though it’s safe to assume he’d be somewhat bitter about that.

The main thing is that something has been set up between Virgil and Janus. Something happened to make them enemies and that can’t be ignored, and I believe this will be addressed soon.

Because if it isn’t, and Janus is accepted immediately by Virgil, then all this would just be explained through bad writing. Which, again, I don’t believe the team is incompetent by any means. However, I do think that this all happened way too fast.

Let’s look at Virgil for a moment, we got plenty of time to know him throughout season one. We got to see him in more of a villain role, and saw him gradually become closer with the group. We saw hints of him wanting to get along with the others and be a part of them, but ultimately, decided for himself that he was doing more harm than good and so, ducked out.

We had 12 episodes to get to know Virgil before Accepting Anxiety came out. 12 episodes as opposed to Janus’ 5, two of which were nothing more than brief cameos and one his introduction where he was only truly himself for the ending.

Really, Janus only had 3 episodes where it was relevant to the plot, and only 1 of those was a full episode, which was immediately followed by him being accepted and acting more like a good guy who just has a bit of a chaotic streak in him as opposed to the mysterious, charismatic Side who works in the background.

Now, the way I see, there are two ways to justify this sudden change. The first is what I said before, that Janus hasn’t been fully accepted yet and needs to be accepted by Roman, Virgil, and Logan first before this can be achieved.

And the other thing, which I hate to consider as a possibility, would be that Janus is putting on an act.

Think about it, Janus realized at the end of SVS that his methods were not working. So he changes his approach, ditching the villain and becoming a hero. He literally appears at the end during a boss battle and puts himself into the role of a protector, defending Thomas from Patton’s harmful behavior. He acts more silly, loosening up, showing genuine care for Thomas.

Then the biggest red flag, his name reveal.

As I watched the scene I couldn’t help but find it oddly reminiscent of Virgil’s own name reveal. From the build up, to the delivery, it all felt strangely familiar, almost as if it’d been rehearsed. Manufactured to get the exact reaction from the others (in this case Thomas and Patton) that he wanted.

Virgil revealing his name was a sign that he trusted the others, and I believe Janus knew this and thus, used it to his advantage.

And guess what? It worked like a charm. Thomas and Patton immediately began trusting him, Patton even went to him for advice after Roman left. Could you see Patton doing that at the end of SVS? I certainly couldn’t.

Now I’m not saying this is actually what happened. For all I know, Janus was being completely sincere when he shared his name, and it really was a personal moment. The only reason I have such a hard time accepting it as genuine is because, as I keep saying, none of it matches up with how Janus was before POF.

Until this point, his character has been consistent and stayed pretty much the same, but now he’s completely changed. And I know it’s normal for characters to grow and change as a story progresses, but again, it just happened way too fast for this character in particular.

This isn’t helped by the fandom’s complete 180 in regards to Janus. Before this episode, it was still pretty common for him to be seen in a mostly negative light. People outright hated this character, and attacked people who liked him. Then Remus came and wasn’t shown nearly as much hate or negativity as Janus was. Now all of a sudden Janus is a “Good uwu boi” and everyone loves him. I haven’t seen one person doubt Janus’ change of heart. Which is surprising because given the fandom’s treatment of him in the past, I’m surprised this hasn’t been more common.

But then I remembered that another Side is currently being thrown into a negative light, which is Roman. He’s been thrown under the bus after his recent actions at the end of POF, all while Janus is now being held up on a golden pedestal.

Honestly, I’m debating ending this post right here because this next part delves way too much into conspiracy territory, but since this would be kind of an awkward ending I’ll go ahead and just throw the idea out there anyway.

So, it’s been established that the Sides are aware that what they’re doing is being viewed by an audience. Roman, Logan, and Patton have all addressed the audience directly before. Virgil has given direct glances into the camera, and of course Thomas greets the audience in every episode and closes each one out with a message at the end of every one.

In Crofters: The Musical Roman outright addresses the fact that Logan has become more popular than him. Implying that somehow, he has access to that information. So if Roman does, then why wouldn’t Janus?

Why wouldn’t Janus be aware of Roman’s insecurities? Why wouldn’t he use this to his advantage and spend the entirety of SVS boosting his ego since he knew that’s what he wanted?

What if Janus, being aware of the audience and how they view the Sides, knew that all he needed for his plan to succeed was not only to convince Thomas that he could be trusted, but the audience. He knows that they don’t like him, so what does he do? He puts himself into a much more positive light, while Roman is put into a position where he’s made out to be the bad guy?

And if this was the case, then it worked. A majority of the fandom now loves Janus while Roman is being left behind. He’s the perfect scapegoat, a distraction from the real plans Janus has in store.

But that idea is so far out there and paints Janus as more of an actual villain when really, I don’t think he is at all.

What’s most likely is that we’re going to learn what happened between him and Virgil, and then watch as Thomas and the others rethink their decision to trust him.

I don’t think Janus is evil, this series is constantly pushing the message that everything isn’t all black and white. Janus, like everyone else, just wants what’s best for Thomas but has a different way of achieving that goal.

My hope is that the writers are aware of this and have a plan for Janus’ character to develop more. Because if that isn’t the case and Janus remains a “good guy” from here on out then all of Janus’ previous appearances would be rendered meaningless.

He’d might as well be a completely different character at that point, because the Deceit that I (and many others) became invested in and loved since his first appearance would be gone. Replaced with a softer, less complex, less engaging “uwu soft boi” that now seems to be the fandom favorite.

Which makes me curious, if Janus is revealed to be lying to some degree, and was tricking Patton and Thomas, would everyone go back to hating him again? Would they give him a chance to explain himself and grow, or would they go right back to seeing him as nothing more than the evil villain they believed they were introduced to back in CLBG

Okay, that’s pretty much all I’ve got on this topic. It’s kinda messy by my standards and I’m sure I repeated myself a lot. So you are more than welcome to critique my points and debate them with your own. Just to clarify, I still love Janus. And I stand by the fact that he was the best part of this new episode. I just hope that this isn’t all the development he gets and that he continues to have his ups and downs.

And come on, how could they possibly pass up the opportunity to do the “Liar revealed” trope with the literal embodiment of Deceit?

#sanders sides #janus sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #fandom criticism

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wholesomemendes · 4 years

Note

I have an idea for a request. I was hoping you're still taking requests. I saw something where I thought you are but i'm not sure. If you ever heard a song called "Take your sweet time" By Jesse McCartney, i was hoping you could write a drabble thing based on that song.

Take Your Sweet Time

Summary: You’ve loved Shawn with all you’ve had for the past 2 years, but now you have to take a step away from him and learn to love yourself too.

Author’s Note: Hi this is my first request so thank you so much! I’m sorry it took so long but I hope you’re as happy with it as I am! This also turned out wayyyyy longer than I expected (over 4.6k words wow) but I’m really proud with how it turned out. As always please tell me what you think and my requests are always open!

You knew what you were getting into when you started dating Shawn. The long periods of time apart, hate messages from fans, and having to accept that millions of girls that you thought were much more beautiful than you were trying to steal him away from you was only the tip of the iceberg. But you loved Shawn through it all. Even the times when he was having a panic attack on the bathroom floor or you were dwindling in self doubt while he was halfway across the world, you loved him and stayed by his side every single day, giving everything you had to him. You were fully committed to your relationship, so much so that you failed to realize just how much of a strain it was putting on yourself. That was the thing about loving Shawn, it consumed every part of your senses until you didn’t know where Shawn ended and you began. It felt like your every movement had to revolve around him and if it didn’t, then you were failing the relationship.

It had been over 2 years since Shawn had made his way into your life, inadvertently flipping it completely upside down. Shawn was currently in LA for some promo work on his newest single, which you had expressed your proud feelings for on multiple occasions, and was set to return this weekend after being away two whole weeks. Although the two of you had gone longer apart, you could never help the feeling of being stabbed in the heart every time he left, no matter how many times you told yourself he was coming back to you soon. It took everything in you to not call him every chance you had, not wanting to annoy him or seem clingy, so you resorted to missing him in silence, your feelings building up inside of you like wires trying to strangle your heart. It hurt. Loving Shawn hurt. But day after day you loved him with all that you could give while those strings slowly pulled on your open heart.

___________________

After dating Shawn for so long, you thought you were prepared for everything his abnormal life could throw at you, but you never thought you would have to be prepared for him ignoring your existence. The night he came home was just like every other time, you had picked him up at the airport where he greeted you with a bone crushing hug and a gentle kiss to your forehead, knowing you didn’t like much PDA, and then he got into the shower, meeting you in bed for an endless night of cuddles. However it was the days that followed that were completely out of the ordinary for the two of you and threw you into a spiral of self doubt. You understood completely when he spent the first couple days meeting with his friends and family, you weren’t the only one missing him while he was gone, but typically the first couple days home were full of clingy Shawn, meaning he would invite you to go with him wherever he went. This time around he didn’t even invite you to dinner with his family, even though you later learned that Karen had specifically told Shawn you were invited, to which he had responded that you were working overtime at your job. You weren’t. You were sitting in your shared condo eating takeout from the Chinese place down the street instead of Karen’s famous lasagna. That definitely hit hard in your heart for Shawn always wanted you to feel comfortable around his family, constantly reminding you that his family was your family, so you couldn’t help but feel that he was trying to push you away. You knew you were probably overreacting, even if Shawn had taken a 180 degree personality change in the past couple days, causing those strings on your heart to tighten to the point of suffocation. It hurt even more when the moments he was home consisted of him locked away in his studio without even a mumbled good morning your way. You brought him coffee, tea, food, anything you could think of that he could possibly need, placing it down in front of him without a single peep so that you wouldn’t distract him, earning either the smallest of thank yous or most commonly, complete and utter silence. He came to bed at ungodly hours, no longer cuddling up to your body in the dark. You knew he always assumed you were asleep, but you physically couldn’t calm your mind without having him next, instead leading your thoughts down a spiral of depressive words. The worst part? You couldn’t remember the last time he had said I love you to you since he came home. Before, Shawn couldn’t go a few hours without reminding you of his love for you, but now you didn’t even know if the man you would die for in a heartbeat felt the same way.

You didn’t know why this was happening, hell you didn’t even know what could have happened in the 8 hour period when the two of you were asleep that first night back that could have caused this changed. But every night as you laid in bed waiting for the man you loved to enter the room, your mind always came to one conclusion on what the issue was at hand. You. You were the issue. You weren’t enough for him, you weren’t doing enough for him, you weren’t loving him enough. And after the 11th night, you realized that you were the issue, but not in the way you previously had thought. You were enough for him, you were doing more than enough for him, and you were loving him far more than you should be. You loved Shawn more than you loved yourself, and on that 11th night, you fell asleep before he came to bed, knowing that when you awoke alone the next day, things were going to change.

___________________

The morning sun woke you up from your slumber and you kept your eyes shut, not wanting to open them and face the reality of what today would bring. Begrudgingly you willed yourself to sit up, taking in the view from the bedroom window one last time and feeling the way the soft silk sheets felt on your body. What you didn’t want to remember was the coldness that could be felt on Shawn’s side of the bed, a telltale sign that he had left it without a second thought hours before. But in a strange way you did want to remember it, wanted it be a reminder as to why the decision you were making was the correct one when you would be inevitably regretting it once you stepped foot out of the condo. You began your morning routine as if it was a normal day, but instead of leaving your toothbrush next to Shawn’s, it was placed inside of your travel bag along with the rest of your toiletries. Clearing the bathroom of your belongings, you moved towards the rest of the bedroom, your heart clenching when you looked at the empty space in the closet. You forced yourself to leave behind all of the pictures and memories of him, knowing it would just cause you more pain in the long run, but your hands moved to grab your favorite shirt of his to wear to bed before your brain could resist it. His scent still lingered on the fabric and even though you knew it was a bad decision, you put it into your suitcase without a second glance.

It was past noon once you were finally satisfied with your packing and even though you had left almost all of your shared belongings to Shawn along with every picture and memory of your relationship, the condo still felt a little bare without your added presence along it walls. After taking all of your boxes and bags down to your car, your stomach rumbled from your lack of food, but you refused to stay in the condo for longer than needed, telling yourself that you would stop by Tim Horton’s on your way to your friend’s house where she was graciously letting you stay until you found somewhere else to live. If someone had told you last year when you sold your apartment in favor of living with Shawn that you would regret it, you would have laughed and called them crazy, but now you wanted nothing more than to have be at a place you could call your own. Though when you thought about it, you didn’t know if you would be able to live in a place that had held so many great memories of the two of you.

You rolled your last suitcase out of your shared bedroom that now only belonged to Shawn and you began the short trip down the hallway that felt like it held a century of memories. You replayed all of the events that happened in the place that used to feel like home, but now only felt like a shell of something that was hurting you from the inside out.

Passing by Shawn’s studio, you could hear the faint strumming of his guitar through the walls and your heart ached more than you ever thought it could. You never imagined you would be leaving the love of your life and knowing that this could possibly be the last time you would ever hear him made a tear slip out of your eye. Leaning against the door, you listened carefully to the unknown melody that was being played only feet away from you, coming to your senses once he stopped to do what you could only assume was writing something down. Knocking quietly on the door, you held your breath, afraid of what his reaction to you “interrupting” his writing process would be. “What!” he barked from the other side and your heart ached a little more, that tiny sliver of hope inside you that wanted him to beg you to stay diminished to nothing. Cautiously you opened the door and peered your head inside, seeing him still crouched over his guitar not even sparing a glance at you, “Um...Shawn?”

“What do you want?”

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m leaving,” you whispered, suddenly feeling extremely small in his presence.

“Ok, bye,” he told you shortly, still not lifting his gaze from his guitar.

Your breath hitched in your throat and you willed yourself to keep your tears at bay, not wanting him to see the effect he had on you, “I’m going to be gone a while.”

“Ok.”

At this point you were growing more frustrated than sad at how the man that supposedly loved you wasn’t even sparing a second glance at you, “I’m not coming back Shawn. I’m breaking up with you.”

His head snapped up at your words, the guitar suddenly losing his interest as his wide eyes met yours, “What do you mean you’re breaking up with me?”

“I’m leaving and I’m not coming back,” you told him, straightening your back to stand your ground and hide the way your emotions were breaking down on the inside.

“No, you’re not leaving,” he shook his head frantically, standing up from his seat and making his way towards you in frantic strides, “We’re gonna talk about this and fix whatever’s going on inside your head because you’re not leaving me.”

“Yes I am, Shawn, my mind is already made up.”

“No it’s not, you’re gonna talk to me and we’re gonna fix this.”

He was standing in front of you now, but his presence didn’t feel as comforting as it usually did, now a suffocating feeling surrounding you and making you want to back away. You could tell his breathing was becoming heavy and you wanted to sit him down to help calm him down, but you stood your ground. “I’ve given a lot of thought into this and I’m not changing my mind.”

“Baby,” he cooed, taking your face in his large palms and you allowed yourself to bathe in the feeling of him touching your skin one last time as tears prickled from the sides of his eyes, “Don’t do this, I love you, you know that. We said we were going to love each other forever. We promised.”

“I know, Shawn, I know, I love you more than words can explain, but that is why I have to let you go.”

“What? No, we love each other and we’re gonna stay together and...” his voice began to crack and tears began to falling profusely down his face, the hurt behind his eyes becoming too much for you to look into.

“Shawn...”

“No, no, no I’m bubs, or baby or...”

“Shawn, stop.” You grabbed his wrists in your hands, making him pause and focus on your words, “I’m not doing this because I don’t feel like we love each other enough. I mean, god knows I’m loving you with everything that I have. And I’ll be honest, lately I’ve been feeling like you don’t love me anymore. I can’t even remember the last time you’ve said I love you since you came home that first night, and it’s been almost two weeks since then. Yes, I know I deserve better than that but that can be fixed with time and I know that as well.”

“Exactly, baby, we can fix this and...”

“I’m talking now, Shawn and I want you to listen. I’ve been thinking a lot lately and what’s hurt me the most in these past two weeks isn’t how you’ve been treating me, it’s how I’ve been treating myself. I can’t keep living this life where I love you more than myself because it hurts and its degrading and I physically can’t keep going like this. And I know it sounds selfish, and it probably is, but I’ve been unselfishly giving you every inch of love I’ve had in myself for the past 2 years and it’s time that I take some of it for myself. This isn’t goodbye forever, I just need a break. I need to learn to love myself before I can love you fully again.”

Tears were streaming down both of your faces as Shawn pulled you into a bone crushing hug, rocking the two of you slowly with his face buried into your shoulder, “I love you, I love you so much. I don’t want to let you go.”

“If you love me you’ll let me go. I need time Shawn. I don’t want to believe this is the end of us, I just need a break.”

“Just a break,” he mumbled to himself and you pulled away gingerly, grabbing your suitcase from behind you. Shawn felt his heart break even more at the sight of your bag, realizing just how hard you had thought about this, “You already packed your things?”

“Yeah, everything’s in my car.”

“Where are you going?”

You sighed, “I think it’s best that I don’t tell you right now.”

He nodded his head sadly, looking down at the ground in front of him, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“And I want you to know that I will be here when you change your mind. When you want to come back to me I’ll be waiting. I don’t care how long, I’ll be here.”

“Thank you,” you breathed out, not trusting your voice from cracking if you spoke any louder. Shawn brought you back in for another hug, holding you tight to his body to keep you with him forever.

“Take your sweet, sweet time, baby. I’ll still be waiting for you with all of my love.” He felt you pulling away and reluctantly released his grasp on you, “Please tell me when you get to wherever you’re going though, I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“Of course, Shawn,” and with that you placed one last kiss on his cheek, tasting his salty tears on your lips before you walked towards the door, shutting it and all of the memories behind you. Shawn’s heart collapsed inside of himself and after staring at the place where you left, he forced himself to go into your shared bedroom for any last remains of you. His breathing stopped when he saw all of your things gone, but all of the memories of the two of you remaining, realizing that you really wanted this behind you. He stumbled towards the picture of the two of you smiling at the Eiffel Tower that was placed on your nightstand, holding it close to his chest as he rocked himself through his tears on the edge of your side of the bed. When his eyes opened and focused on the item sitting behind the frame, he felt his heart break more than he ever felt possible. You had promised him when he gave it to you that you would never take it off but there it was, time standing still around it. Your promise ring.

___________________

Ring. Ring. The sound of your phone ringing startled you from where you were hands deep in meat, rolling meatballs for tonight’s dinner while your friend was still at work. You quickly washed your hands off, grabbing your phone without looking at the contact as you leaned back against the counter with the phone against your ear, “Hello?”

“Y/n! How are you?”

“Karen?” you gasped, standing up straight, “H-hi, um I’m good thank you, how are you?”

“I’m great, thank you! I think I can speak for all of us, though, when I say we’ve missed you at family dinners!”

“Oh, yeah um, I’ve missed you guys a lot too,” you told her, biting at your nail in nervousness, your heart rate picking up.

“But don’t stress, I’m not saying that to make you feel bad. Shawn’s told us about how busy you are at work, how’s that going by the way?”

Your heart dropped. Shawn’s told them you’ve just been busy at work? Do they know... “It’s going well, thank you. It’s been a bit crazy lately with all the changes, but it’s good.”

“That’s good to hear,” she replied cheerily, “Listen, I’ve called to tell you that we’re organizing a going away dinner-party thing for Shawn next week before he leaves for tour. I know how hard it is with him leaving, Manny, Aaliyah, and I have gotten so used to him around I know it’s gonna be hard. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now.”

“Ye-yeah, I almost forgot he was leaving next week.” You would have been lying if you said you hadn’t still been keeping up with him on social media, therefore hearing about the upcoming tour through his feed. You even still had his leaving date in your phone calendar, not having the heart to remove any of the special dates in there even though it had been over 2 months since you had walked out the door.

“I get it, I don’t want to be reminded about it either,” his mother sighed, oblivious to the panicked girl on the other side of the phone, “But we’ve decided that we’re going to have a bunch of his friends and family over for dinner as a surprise for him! I was wondering if you could just keep him home with you and tell him you’re taking him out for a dinner date or something and then maybe blindfold him to drive him to our place! If you have a better idea that’s good too, I just thought it’d be a cute idea!”

“Take him on a...on a date?” you stuttered, breathing becoming heavily as tears threatened to spill from your eyes, the memories you’ve been trying to hide fighting their way back into your brain.

“Yeah, you know, just something that won’t make him suspicious because the two of you obviously get dinner together all the time.”

“Um yeah...yeah, Karen I’m really sorry, but I have to go,” swallowing the pain held in your throat. If you didn’t end the phone call now, you knew you wouldn’t be able to hide your tears from her anymore.

“Of course, sweetie! I’m sorry if I caught you at a bad time. I’ll just text you the details ok?”

“That’s great, yeah.”

“Ok, bye Y/n.”

“Bye Karen,” ending the phone call you collapsed against the kitchen counter, tears streaming out of your eyes and chest heavy. You had cried almost every day since you had left, your best friend trying to comfort you the best she could. You wanted to stay strong as much as you possible, but leaving behind the one thing you loved more than yourself proved to leave a gaping hole in your heart that only Shawn could fill. This week had been the first week you hadn’t cried yourself to sleep every night, only for all of your progress to be ruined with a simple phone call. Karen made it clear that she was completely oblivious to your breakup and it made you wonder why she hasn’t been told yet. Shawn and his family were so close, he told them everything, so it made you wonder if he was so unaffected by the breakup that he didn’t feel the need to tell them. Was he not hurting the way you were? Was he lying when he told you he’d wait for you? When he told you to take as much time as you needed? Did he already find another lover, someone else to give his love to? He hadn’t reached out at all since you walked out the door and although you acknowledged that it was probably for the best in order to forget him, a little part of you wanted him to be calling you, begging for you to come back to him. But nothing happened, only silence from his end leaving you broken hearted and alone.

An hour later and your tears are dried, heart aching for the one person you can’t have. More importantly, you want answers and you were going to get them. Setting out with a determined look on your face, you clean up your plan for dinner and grab your keys, heading out the door towards your car. Placing the keys in the ignition, you wondered if you were stupid for putting yourself in such a vulnerable situation, but you ignored the sinking feeling in your stomach and drove towards the place you used to call home.

It felt almost foreign walking up to his condo, the walls of the elevator mocking you for showing up. You stared at yourself in the reflective panel as you went up, seeing the face of a broken girl staring back at you. Lifting your chin up and pulling your shoulders back, you took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself in anyway as the doors of the elevator finally opened. The trek down the hallway felt as though it was a mile long and your heart beat increased with every step you took. This is so stupid, you thought, he’s probably not home. Or what if he has people over. What if he has another girl over?! Your heart clenched with jealousy at the thought of someone else being over, even if you weren’t together anymore and he was therefore allowed to be seeing someone else. Though you couldn’t help but feel hurt over the idea that he had moved on so quickly when he was begging you not to leave in the first place. You realized your feet had moved you to the door before your brain could process it and you quickly knocked on the door to prevent you from backing out.

Minutes passed and you debated turning around to make your escape, but just as you were about to leave, you heard the lock jiggle, the white door in front of you opening wide, “Y/n?”

“Hey,” your throat suddenly felt drier than before and you swallowed thickly in hopes of being able to speak. Shawn moved closer to you, seemingly wanting to give you a hug, but when you took a step back, he took it as a hint to stay in the door frame.

Clearing his throat, he awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, “Um...uh what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to you, your mom called me today,” you told him, trying to fake your confidence by looking at his eyes.

“Oh that’s nice, she’s said she misses you....”

“Why didn’t you tell her we broke up?”

Shawn’s eyes widened as if this was new information to him and all of your belongings weren’t missing from his place, “Because we’re didn’t?”

“What are you talking about? Shawn, we haven’t talked in two months.”

“I know, I told you to take however long you needed because I would be here when you change your mind. So I gave you your space for the break you wanted.”

“No, I-” you sighed in annoyance, looking down at your feet as your confident facade faded.

Shawn peered his head out to look down the hallway, “Why don’t we talk about this inside, I don’t really want all of my neighbors hearing about this.” Following him inside, you couldn’t help but notice that he hadn’t moved anything since you had left. All of your pictures were still up, and the empty spaces for your belongings were still bare. “So, what do you think?”

“Hm?” you turned your head around from where you were staring at the living room to meet his eyes as he leaned comfortably against the wall.

“I’ve given you space and time away from all of this. Have you learned to love yourself the way I love you?”

“Shawn...”

“No,” he told you sternly, walking over to where you were standing rigid, “I want you to listen to me this time. I’ve taken this time to reflect on myself and our relationship as well, and trust me, I regret everything about how I was acting before you left. I know it wasn’t right and I want to fix this, ok? I am still just as in love with you as the day you left and I want this again if you do.”

“I love you too, so so much and I do want this again, but...” you were caught off by his soft lips being pressed feverishly against yours, holding onto your waist as you grabbed his biceps to steady you from the dizzying feeling of his kiss after so long. You relaxed into his touch, pressing his body closer to yours in fear that he would disappear once you opened your eyes.

“Shut up,” he mumbled onto your lips, and his arm wrapped around your back to pull you impossibly closer. Pulling back, he let his forehead rest against yours, placing soft pecks to your lips every so often. “I love you baby, just stay with me.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Shawn, I love you too much for that.” With your lips reattached to his, you realized that maybe taking a little time away made his arms feel much more like home.

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