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mitigatedchaos · 3 years

Text

On Having “Whiteness”

(~2,200 words, 11 minutes)

Summary: A metaphysics of “Whiteness” has overtaken actual sociology in the Democrats’ popular consciousness - blinding them to racial interventions that might actually work and taking them off the table of political discussion.

-★★★-

Donald Moss - On Having Whiteness, Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association (emphasis mine)

Whiteness is a condition one first acquires and then one has—a malignant, parasitic-like condition to which “white” people have a particular susceptibility. The condition is foundational, generating characteristic ways of being in one’s body, in one’s mind, and in one’s world. Parasitic Whiteness renders its hosts’ appetites voracious, insatiable, and perverse. These deformed appetites particularly target nonwhite peoples. Once established, these appetites are nearly impossible to eliminate. Effective treatment consists of a combination of psychic and social-historical interventions. Such interventions can reasonably aim only to reshape Whiteness’s infiltrated appetites—to reduce their intensity, redistribute their aims, and occasionally turn those aims toward the work of reparation. When remembered and represented, the ravages wreaked by the chronic condition can function either as warning (“never again”) or as temptation (“great again”). Memorialization alone, therefore, is no guarantee against regression. There is not yet a permanent cure.

So both @arcticdementor [here] and @samueldays have linked me to this allegedly “peer-reviewed” article. The Federalist has a bit more context, but it doesn’t really make the situation better.

Race Theory Problems

Obviously, this is a work of sloppy thinking. The categorization of “white supremacy culture” or “whiteness” used by people like this is vague handwaving that describes being bad at management as “white supremacy culture,” and which in general labels universal human problems, like organizations being resource-constrained, or people being impatient, as somehow uniquely “white.”

But this sort of article is really what I mean when I say that social justice’s approach to “whiteness” is about “spiritual contamination.”

Samueldays called it “the ‘I’m not touching you’ of inciting race war,” and I may cover more of his response to it later. Suffice it to say, it has the same general kind of problems as “stolen land” arguments (where an entire present population’s living area becomes undefined), unbounded “reparations” arguments where no amount of transfers by the designated oppressor are considered to clear the debt, and so on.

This is exactly the sort of material that conservatives are seeking to remove government funding for and prohibit from use in employment training. This is the kind of material that the Trump Anti-CRT executive order prohibiting racial scapegoating was meant to cover.

Race Theory Definitions

This kind of stuff is, of course, not really defensible, so usually at this point people will argue that 1), “that’s not real critical race theory,” and then 2), “it’s just a few weirdos.” For those, I would say...

1) If it’s not real “Critical Race Theory,” then what is it?

We can’t measure or disprove Moss’s proposed “Whiteness,” and this malevolent psychic entity said to “deform” white people obviously isn’t based on a comparison with other human populations or historical periods. When it comes to “insatiable” appetites, one study argued that the Mongol invasions killed so many people that it showed up in the carbon record.

At best, it’s sloppy race science as practiced by an amateur, like twitter users idly speculating whether whites have ‘oppressor epigenetics’ - but with the veneer of official status. And it has similar risks to proposing that there is such a thing as biologically-inherited class enemy status, and other collective intergenerational justice logic.

Presumably, the Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association is intended as a journal of science, or at least serious scholarship, and not of bad racist poetry with no rhyme or meter.

Moss provides a relatively pure example of whatever-this-is. I need to know what it’s called, so we can get rid of it.

Race Theory Prohibitions

2) If it’s just the product of a few race-obssessed weirdos, then it won’t hurt to get rid of it. So get rid of it.

The actual text [PDF] of the Trump Anti-CRT order does not ban teaching about the Trail of Tears, or Jim Crow, and so on, and both of those topics were taught in school before this recent wave of whatever-this-is was popularized.

Trump’s order banned teaching that any race is inherently guilty or evil due to the actions of their ancestors, and the level of resistance to this has been bizarre.

These teachings don’t seem to provide gains in relatively objective metrics like underrepresented minority test scores (or at least that’s not something I’ve seen - and the continued opposition to standardized tests suggests proponents do not expect it to), so it’s unclear just what of value is going to be lost here.

Collateral Damage

Samueldays wrote,

Because right now the conservatives talking about "critical race theory" as they fire in the direction of Moss et al. are very important in preventing another race war and you have a moral duty to help them aim, not throw smoke for Moss.

Right now Conservatives are assessing just how much stuff they’re going to have to rip out to make “standardized tests are racist” and “it’s impossible to be racist to white people” stop. While this may not be the message that Liberals are intending to send, it is the message that many people are receiving. (I discuss problems with both, and some alternatives to handle them better, in another post.)

Liberals need to get out in front of this. Sooner is better.

If Conservatives think that they have to gut hostile work environment law in order to avoid their children being taught that they’re permanently morally contaminated by their race, and Liberals have no means to actually close race gaps within a 4-8 year period (and right now it’s slim pickings on that front), Conservatives are just going to gut hostile work environment law.

Aether

From their perspective, why not?

Everything in the world is only six degrees of separation from something racist. Anything in the world can be tied to something racist. (So can anyone.)

But nowhere in this pervasive atmosphere of tying things to racism are there solutions. There are guesses based on correlations. Proposals. But usually when you reach out to grab them, to really get a grip on whether it’s correlation or causation, they dissolve in your hands. The few that do have any solidity to them are moderate in their success (such as Heckman’s involvement in the Reach Up & Learn study in Jamaica) - and don’t appear to be based on the same style of thinking as shown by Moss and others.

It isn’t just that trying to turn combating an invisible, non-measurable, unfalsifiable, parasitic psychic force into an actual political program would inevitably be oppressive and totalitarian. It isn’t just that articles like Moss’s are an in-kind donation to the 2024 DeSantis Presidential campaign for that very reason.

It isn’t just that unfalsifiable Metaphysics of Whiteness content like White Privilege Theory has been found to lower sympathy for the poor, and that present diversity training doesn’t work...

Race Content Crowding

This stuff is crowding out legitimate scholarship. I don’t just mean in terms of funding, tenure track positions, or high-flying magazine coverage - all limited by their nature. I mean among the base. I have been interrogating Democrats on Twitter for months, and not a single one has been able to cite a strongly-demonstrated intervention that’s being held back, or even a past one that was conclusively demonstrated to be effective. They can often recite a list of racial grievances on cue.

Tucker Carlson could run boomer_update.exe on a list of every educational failure since the 1970s, and they would be reduced to sputtering accusations of racism against people who increasingly don’t care. He could do this tomorrow. The only thing that prevents this is Tucker Carlson’s conscience.

I discovered the Reach Up & Learn program through Glenn Loury - described as a ‘conservative.’ Scott Alexander, attacked by the New York Times crew, brought some success with multivitamins to my attention. When I first heard about the Perry Preschool program, I believe it was from someone well to the right of him.

About the only one brought to my attention by the Democratic establishment constellation proper was lead removal, and the gains on that are probably getting tapped out. The frame it was proposed in was not Critical Race Theorist, as this was likely in 2012.

As it stands, I’m more likely to find something that works from someone the New York Times would disapprove of than someone they wouldn’t. Or, as Wesley Yang wrote,

Reality has been contrarian for a while.

Succeed Early

Even if we suppose that Conservatives are inherently racist, Liberals have a duty to support interventions that work. In fact, the more that Conservatives are a seething, undifferentiated mass of uniform racial hatred, the more important it is that Liberals stick to racial interventions that work, because nobody else is going to fix the problem if Liberals get it wrong.

It isn’t just a matter of resources per year. It’s also a matter of time.

From Heckman’s website,

Although Perry did not produce long-run gains in IQ, it did create lasting improvements in character skills [...] which consequently improved a number of labor market outcomes and health behaviors as well as reduced criminal activity.

Even if we propose an unlimited amount of funding (which is not the case), people and politicians only have a limited amount of time and attention each year. Newspapers only publish so many issues with so many pages each week. Television programs only cover so many hours for so many viewers each day. Even the dedicated can only read so many books in a year.

Even though the Perry intervention was imperfect, and the sample size was not as large as desirable, every second Democrat I talked to should have been able to answer the question “can you name an effective intervention?” with “what about Perry Preschool?”

Every year that we have entire cottage industries working on and popularizing contentious, ineffective, and backlash-provoking Metaphysics of Whiteness content, based on oversimplified oppressor/oppressed binaries, or theories in which power is held collectively by races as monolithic blobs (rather than modelling power as a network of relations between individuals, in which an individual of any background might be destroyed by the racialized relations in their environment), is another year we haven’t spent that energy on finding or implementing something that actually works.

This isn’t just an individual failure by Democrat voters, who typically have day jobs to focus on - it is a failure by the institutions who are supposed to inform and guide them. This institutional failure likely contributed to the popularization of Metaphysics of Whiteness content in the first place.

Okay, now what?

Donald Moss is a crackpot. Metaphysics of Whiteness content is unfalsifiable. The idea that there is a psychic parasite of “Whiteness” is not a legitimate field of study; it’s parasociology. The idea that “a sense of urgency” is “white supremacy culture” isn’t much better. [1]

We already tried isolating this content to obscure corners of academia, where individuals with high racial attachment could write about it. It leaked out.

We need to get this stuff out of the popular consciousness to make room for stuff that might actually work. The best way to do that may be to cut off the source. Since Donald Moss is a crackpot, perhaps it’s time we started treating him, and everyone else like him, as what they are.

People involved in Metaphysics of Whiteness content, like Donald Moss, need to be (figuratively) grabbed by the shoulder, and firmly, but politely, told to stop. Society has been recklessly handing out race-colored glasses to the general population since around 2014, resulting in a rise in amateur race science, of which both right-wing Twitter users memeing about Italians and Metaphysics of Whiteness participants like Moss are examples. If they do not stop, they must be stripped of institutional authority. Metaphysics of Whiteness content is unfalsifiable and we should not be certifying it.

If institutions refuse to reduce the authority of Metaphysics of Whiteness practitioners, those institutions must have their accreditation penalized, and their government funding reduced or eliminated, just as if they insisted on producing study after study on magic or ESP which failed to yield results. If they do not comply, they must be replaced.

It’s possible that Metaphysics of Whiteness content might have had some obscure, niche function in terms of the exploration of the idea space.

However, as it has displaced popular knowledge of interventions that might work, and the attention given to them in the political system, Liberals should seek to surgically remove it, at the very least until some more effective interventions see the political light of day.

If not, Conservatives will attempt to remove it with a bludgeon. "They described an entire race as ‘voracious, insatiable, and perverse,’ and here’s the citation for the exact page where they did that,” is perfect material with which to abolish entire departments.

-★★★-

[1] If we go a bit farther out, scholars of “Decolonization” argue that the field is wholly unconcerned with “settler futurity,” a phrase not much less ominous than describing “whiteness” as “incurable.” It seems that their entire job should be to answer the very difficult questions they have decided not to.

#racepol #american racepol #critical race theory #social justice #racial justice #longpost #flagpost #black lives matter

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ahlis-xiv · 4 years

Text

journal entries: no. 50.2

The sound of the bathroom door opening caught his attention first as Ahlis emerged from the bath. Her hands were bunched up within a towel as she continued to dry her hair, the rest of her dressed in the offerings of clothes he had set aside earlier. There wasn’t much to give, truth be told, and he hoped she did not mind it. Ahlis had little in the ways of effects left behind within the manor, but he made due with personal items of his own. The nightshirt, while obviously too large for her more slender frame, did the job of granting her modesty as he watched her quietly approach; it could almost pose as a gown were she a few ilms shorter.

A quick smile came to his face as he noted the way she looked at him; Ahlis must have seen him staring so he stood from his chair at the lounging table where a set of freshly made tea was placed.

“The bath was to your liking, I hope?” He asked, returning back to his seat and taking the teapot carefully into his hands as he began to pour.

“Aye,” she replied and released her hair from the towel. Moving towards the other side of the small table she relaxed into the opposite chair, sighing only until her body met the soft cushion with said towel draped in a lump within her lap. “I needed that.”

Aymeric’s smile grew, softening at the way she began to ease more and more while in his company. Rare was to have a moment to witness her in anything less than her armor; even more rare was to have her stay within his home and partake of his hospitality.

Yet was that not to be expected? He wished to believe it so, despite how much it felt like a dream-come-to-life in the time following the fighting at Ghimlyt. To think that the reality that she would come to him—unannounced, free, and willing—and utterly outside of any obligation or expectation as the Warrior of Light, but out of affection. And, perhaps even...

“Aymeric?”

“Ah,” he said softly with a blink. The tea had been forgotten for a moment and he realized that his own cup had yet to be filled, which he began to rectify now that his train of thought had been broken.

“Are you all right? You...seem preoccupied.”

His smile deepened, if anything to reassure her. With tea now in hand, liberally adding syrup to his own, he could feel his mind recenter itself with the warmth of his cup.

“Indeed I am, yet pleasantly so. Forgive me if I appeared inattentive.”

Ahlis made a noise in her amusement as she brought the tea to her lips, eyes remaining on him as she did so.

“And what has you so pleasantly distracted?”

“The woman before me, having tea and lounging in my garments.”

“Oh, you.” Ahlis’s eyes turned to the heavens, yet her exasperation wasn’t entirely genuine; her smile remained intact after all. “I haven’t been away so long, have I?”

Aymeric took a moment to regard his own cup of tea in his hands and the sudden swell of his heart. To be truthful of the matter, he had missed her dreadfully. It was a kind of toil made in solitude—a sort of hurt that he was both unused to and had no one to confess to—that he bore in silence where the perseverance towards his duties were the only solace he had. In the mountains of paperwork and the hours passed within meetings Aymeric dared to think he could lessen the ache she left in her wake, and it did; he could distract himself somewhat only for it to rush back to him the moment he could spare a brief glance outside his office window or in the night as he fought to find sleep in a bed that now felt far too empty.

He took a drink as if to douse away the last of such feeling thoughts as if they did not matter. These thoughts didn’t matter, not here, now with Ahlis returned to the city, and to him. After all, they had much to catch up on, a task Aymeric was quite eager to begin. That is until he saw Ahlis rise up from her seat, tea placed down and forgotten on the tabletop. Her movement silenced him as he watched her approach to his side, her hand wordlessly reaching for his face; he felt Ahlis briefly touch his cheek with a finger, curled with the knuckle pressed against his skin.

“Perhaps we should retire early,” she chanced to say, voice tentative.

It was a temptation; as much as he wished for her caress to continue soothing him much remained unsaid between them and almost as many reasons not to speak of them. Yet he worried, for her sake, even when she refused him.

“I have missed you,” Aymeric said quietly as his own hand reached for hers against his face. “Yet much has transpired since we last seen one another. I have seen how some of it has taken its toll as well.” A pause, his fingers tightening for a moment as they held her. “Will you not speak more of it to me?”

Aymeric watched as her eyes shifted away from him, her expression shifting and pensive. He couldn’t fault her reticence. Understanding had to be nurtured somehow: to feel such vulnerability was a risk he hoped Ahlis would take.

“Where to begin...” She sighed as a short laugh escaped her. “Just thinking about how everything started. It’s like some sort of dream, and it is everything but...a dream.”

Ahlis pulled herself away from his side and he let her, the hand that only a moment ago he held within his own brushing against the pale, faded hair that now adorned her crown. She didn’t move far, just to a nearby window shrouded by heavily woven curtains which she pushed back from the glass. The panes were partially clouded with crystalline ice and misty with condensation; her eyes attempted to gaze out into the beyond. The sky was obscured by flurries and a low, heavy cloud cover: the very picture of a dreary and typical evening in Ishgard. The chill that radiated from the window bit through what little protection her garment provided, but Ahlis couldn’t find the urge to turn away. It was familiar to her, this frigid cold; she dared to consider it comforting.

How ironic, the one place that had given her such suffering before now brought her a touch of peace, much of which belonged to the one that quietly approached to her back. He said nothing, instead letting the warmth of his arm to drape carefully around her shoulder. She no longer wished to be reluctant—not with him—over the thoughts and feelings she was so accustomed to shouldering on her own. But this? It felt nearly insurmountable.

“We might need something more than tea if I’m to tackle this tonight.”

“And what, pray tell, were you considering?” Aymeric wondered aloud as he pondered their options. There was the brandy he always kept in the cabinet…

“Coffee,” Ahlis said as she turned to him again, expectant. “A bit unusual of a request, but this may very well take all evening.”

For once Aymeric found himself thankful that he did not, in fact, offer the stronger choice of drink; it made him chuckle to see her be so frank.

“To the pantry then. We may have to do some searching as I am unsure how much stock we truly have.”

“I’ll laugh at you if we can’t find any. Some of the best food I’ve ever had has come out of this place and yet there’s no coffee? I suppose most of the food stuff allowance went towards your lovely wine cellar. Which I still have yet to see, you know.”

“All in due time, I assure you.”

With their hands clasped together, Aymeric pulled her away from the cold of the window towards the manor’s kitchens.

-------

This entry begins directly after a sketch stretched out length-wise down the opposite page. The lines are cleaner than usual with a light addition of color; pastels of pale orange-peach and blue fill in what look to be columns, or block-like structures in-laid with elongated crystals. A tiny written note is written to the side: colors are approx. but scale is inaccurate...impossible to illust. in such a small book...it will do

It is late, early morning. Fourth bell to be exact. I can barely get sentences out but I feel the need to write something down.

I am not at the Stones, instead I decided to return to Ishgard. The time was right and necessary. I couldn’t deny it any longer. We spoke for hours. I am exhausted! But relieved! Details, details. I cannot muster the need to reiterate it all right now but later I might. I need to sleep. This heightened but weary state is very familiar, like those nights back when I would have to pull all-nighters to study. I kind of missed it?

Go to bed you silly woman

There is a gap here, the entry is continued in another sort of ink of a different color: a deep indigo blue.

I told myself I would return to my writing once we’ve gotten more clear on the methods to our next course of action and some rest. Yet while I am truly doing my best on the latter everything has, predictably, turned on its godsdamned head.

Should know better, shouldn’t I? I was not that naive to think that our trials on the First were over once we left the depths but to try and put words to my anger is excruciating. I nearly see red at the very thought of it!

I don’t even want to write at the moment but I know I must, having been soothed by current company and the leisure I find here. This was a needed respite that I nearly deprived myself of due to sense of pride and duty that I take too much pleasure in indulging, hm? I am a fool but what else is new

It feels like a sort of calm has settled in before truly seeing the repercussions of what that bastard has wrought.

Elidibus He has dared to cross me so severely, so damnable is his offense I will run him through just like he makes me so angry but that is fine, good even I can keep this to myself, give me the fire I need to end this

I have to be ready to face this. I need to focus and return to the others as well. Somehow we will persevere as we’ve always had even when all seemed empty and helpless, aye? Though his ruse be painful and clear to us and us alone, the danger and trickery involving all the others...it cannot be allowed. Typical ascian bullshite, no matter what star or realm we find ourselves in.

I fear what revelations have yet to come. I fear I will not be able to bear them. I seek the answers...but what will I find?

It makes me dread, and threatens to make me numb to everything again

I have made myself impatient now as I await Y’shtola’s results from the vault in Noesis. I foresee more secrets and less answers...but I have been wrong before.

I don’t want to leave here

#my writing #the journals #5.2 #holy jeez I actually finished it #cutting it close there whew #I had ALL this time and yet here we are lol #also coffee-time w/ ahlis and aymeric = y'all gonna need that caffeine #and aymeric is gonna need to take the next day off to catch up on sleep hah #alt title: ahlis and aymeric finally catch up post-4.5! aka time to explain the everything #...mostly #I think after 5.3 that booze is gonna come in handy because *screams*#did ahlis speak about elidibus here though...? hmm hmm hmm #ahlis #aymeric #ffxiv fanfic #; final fantasy xiv

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bigskydreaming · 4 years

Note

I have a question. In one of your recent posts, you said that trigger warnings come from a place of obligation and not true caring. I agree with you that a lot of the time, that’s true. Which can be concerning. But my question is that at the end of the day, does the person’s reasoning matter? Maybe they’re an awful rude person but if they’ve tagged their stuff, made it easy to see what’s gonna be in the fic, doesn’t that still help? Even if coming from a rude place. The end result is good

Well sure, any time a trigger warning is a benefit to someone, it doesn’t really matter what the reasoning for making it was. Absolutely.

My point there was the problem is one of priorities, and approach. And bottom line, a person who is only tacking on expected trigger warnings out of a sense of covering their own ass, like......they’re not ever likely to be examining their own work with an eye towards the kinds of negative effects it could potentially have on people, because they’re too busy denying that there’s any possible negative impact it could have at all. Despite the fact that this is just willful obliviousness - if fic can have a positive effect on people and inspire or reinforce positive ideas, it has just as much power and likelihood to have a negative effect on people and inspire or reinforce negative ideas. Its not about a one to one correlation, like, its not like anything someone reads in fic they’re going to do, but as pieces of a larger fandom culture? That absolutely adds up and contributes to the normalization and perpetuation and spread of negative ideas and ideologies.

And this is the kind of self-scrutiny an over-reliance on trigger warnings gets in the way of....because its just accepted or taken as fact that trigger warnings ARE the solution....despite all the times and ways people speak up to say well there’s a problem here because this alleged solution is not working here and here and here and over here too.

But someone who’s convinced they ALREADY did their due diligence by tacking on a couple trigger warnings is never going to be as receptive to being told they missed some, as someone who approaches things from a perspective of understanding that trigger warnings are not infallible, they’re only effective when an author has an HONEST view of their own work.

(And if fandom was truly engaging in a lot of this content honestly, as I’ve said, tags like dub-con and pseudo-incest and consensual underaged sex would not be as widely used as they are in the ways that they’re most often used.....ways that are categorically NOT what those things mean and advertise).

And most importantly, trigger warnings as they’re used by fandom now, like....have kinda become an excuse for authors to try and abdicate any responsibility for what they write. “Oh, I used trigger warnings, so any impact my fic has on someone has nothing to do with me past that point.....unless of course its a positive impact, in which case I’m still more than happy to soak up the praise.”

And that’s just not how it works. You know that thing I said in an earlier post about how all writing is just another form of communicating things - to ourselves in journals, to others in stories or emails or messages.....bottom line, writing has one purpose: to convey ideas, meanings, etc between the person writing and the person or people they’re writing TO or sharing that writing WITH.

In essence, a fic that you’ve written and then decided to POST, to publish, to put out in the world in some form and share with others.....at that point, it stops being a conversation with just yourself and becomes a conversation that’s being had with anyone and everyone who then reads that fic....even if it is a one-sided conversation for the most part, with others just listening to what ideas and thoughts and images and impressions you’re conveying via your writing.

And think of it in terms of like, literally ANY conversation you might have out loud.

If you say something offensive, is it anyone’s fault or responsibility other than yours, that you said something that was offensive?

If you say something you don’t actually believe, but don’t follow it up with anything that actually indicates out loud that this isn’t something you genuinely believe, is it realistic to pretend that people have no basis for listening to what you actually SAID and from that drawing conclusions about what you believe or support?

If you say something that’s in direct opposition to something you said earlier, is it any wonder if people question which you ACTUALLY meant or believe MORE, or just flat out don’t believe what you said earlier now?

If you say something insensitive or even cruel, do you have any right or reasonable expectation why anybody who hears you shouldn’t be within their rights to call you out for what you said and why it was fucked up?

If you choose NOT to say something, out of respect for someone you’re around, or because you know its insensitive or offensive or anything of the sort....are you being censored, or are you just choosing not to be a douchebag?

And so on and so on.

Writers have a tendency to kinda hide behind the logic “not everything we write has to be something we personally believe, we can write characters who have very different values than us” - and that’s absolutely true....but only up to a certain point.

Because you can absolutely write a CHARACTER who believes the opposite of stuff you actually believe or value.....but your NARRATIVE still has to refute that somewhere at some point in some way.....otherwise.....there is literally no reason why anyone reading that, ‘hearing’ what you spoke into the world, would think you DON’T actually believe that. You’ve communicated something toxic or ugly or even harmful or predatory....without accompanying it with ANY communicated idea as to why a reader SHOULDN’T just absorb those ideas as is.

Like.....if you write a rape fic that’s INTENDED to be received as sexy or hot, even if you’re not actually condoning rape within the fic, and even if you would never condone it in real life.....

If your fic still garners comments like “that’s so hot” or something like that, and this isn’t a problem for you because this is a reaction you expected or even a response you intended or were seeking?

You didn’t say or express that you would ever rape someone or say it was okay to rape someone.

But you still communicated, without any kind of self-contradiction:

“Hey, here is a scenario in which rape is hot.”

And whether you’re talking about fiction or reality, why WOULDN’T that communicated idea be anything other than wildly insensitive and yes, even offensive and yes even DAMAGING to many rape survivors....even if you’re one yourself?

Like.....another example, okay so I’ve literally been gaybashed, nobody’s likely to ever accuse me of being homophobic, its a pretty safe bet, right? But if I write a fic FOR WHATEVER REASON, in which a character is homophobic even though I’m not myself, but where a character expresses toxic, prejudicial, HARMFUL ideas about being gay....and then my fic nowhere at any point says or does anything to REFUTE or contest those harmful ideas......why would the fact that I don’t actually believe those things make ANY difference whatsoever in terms of whether those things were absorbed by readers in the exact way I communicated them....but without the benefit of any of the reasons I KNOW - but did not communicate in the fic - that they’re harmful and shouldn’t be paid attention to?

So yes, fiction absolutely can do harm, if its not treated with the appropriate responsibility. It can make people who’ve never met someone who’s Muslim decide all Muslim people are terrorists. It can convince people that destructive, harmful instances of incest are actually the outliers and most incest is harmless and between equals. It can normalize the idea that all bisexual people are slutty and promiscuous. It can do tons more beside all that.

And yes, fic absolutely can and often DOES, in fandom, communicate the idea that many of the exact same people who swear they support survivors and have nothing but sympathy for what they went through and all that....can in the right scenarios and circumstances still find the very IDEA of rape hot and exciting, can find the IMAGERY of a hot or sexy character being raped to be sexually stimulating and gratifying and DESIRED, and so on and so forth.

And why wouldn’t that communicated idea make someone question if you’re someone they can ever be comfortable being around, because one way or another, you still found and advertised, broadcast, invited others to join in enjoying.....a scenario in which something an awful lot like that someone’s trauma was hot or sexy to you just as long as it was projected on someone else - a distance which may not matter to them or make them feel any better about the fact that you’re still talking about one of the worst things to ever happen to them, but skewing it in a way where every thing actually being said isn’t about how its bad or wrong or nothing you’d ever condone....but hot and titillating and sexy?

Why wouldn’t it bother someone or weird them out that you see no conflict of interest between having sympathy for them but then flipping a switch and happily consuming content that’s entirely and unilaterally just about characters going through the exact same kind of thing.....and the viewpoint you’re siding with in this particular instance is that of like....the actual attacker, the one going yes, this is good?

ALL OF THESE are the kinds of questions - and the kind of impact - that not only do trigger warnings just flat out not cover....but that the over-reliance on trigger warnings makes less and less likely to even pop up in a writer’s brain as something worth considering or weighing at all.

So again, like I said at the top - I mean yeah, if a trigger warning is actually helpful to someone, it doesn’t matter WHY it was added or put in place.

But if it wasn’t put in place out of a genuine self-examination of your work and a genuine desire to look out for readers’ comfort and take responsibility for the kind of heavy content you’re choosing to write and share.....

Chances are, the fact that one trigger warning did work for one person or however many, was just a stroke of luck and there’s likely to be a dozen other ways in which that writer failed to consider or even ask themselves....is there anything else I should recognize and acknowledge as potentially having a negative impact on people?

And please, if you read or write dark fic for any reason, you don’t owe me an explanation but you owe it to yourself to at least take a second and honestly ask yourself if you’ve EVER stopped to ask or examine any of the above questions or angles. And if not, why? Ask yourself if you’ve ever been encouraged or had it suggested by others in fandom to even just ask or wonder about these things. And if not, why?

Please examine - who benefits MOST in all of this, from encouraging more and more readers and writers to just NOT think about ANY of this stuff at all, and to instead just shut down any and all conversation about it or attempts to START conversations like this......

Other than people who like and enjoy this type of content and genuinely just do not care about the impact it might have on others....and so similarly, want as few other people as possible to care or even THINK about the impact it might have on others....and thus, maximize the number of people who absent those considerations, have no problem contributing to or enjoying that type of content?

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dndeviants · 5 years

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Aftermath

Strahd took his moment to pause before resuming his role as a commander. He turned to his blond male consort and ordered, "Go to the Abbey. There is a flesh golem bride there that is under our protection.Take her and the other consorts and return swiftly to Castle Ravenloft."

Escher bowed to his master and winked at Linda, "What an impressive little toy you have... I'm sure we will be seeing you around..." He waved goodbye to Ruki before jumping off of the wall to rejoin and rally his companions.

Down below, the vampire spawn were helping clean up the aftermath of the bloody battle. Ludmila focused on retrieving her blades, as Volenta giggled at her dominated werewolf using rope to tie up Ruki’s dominated werewolf.

Ludmila made it clear she disapproved of such childish behavior.

Escher went to Anastrasya and spoke quietly before joining the other consorts. Volenta looked to Aric and Jeeves.

"Goodnight, lovelies," she spoke in a sing song voice, before entering the town of Krezk to retrieve the golem.

Iagus, Strahd’s gargoyle general began to collect the now human corpses of the fallen werewolves, and put them in a large pile to turn into a pyre.

Rahadin walked over to Volenta’s captured werewolf and unsheathed his scimitar, beheading the creature in one swift motion, "Missed one, Iagus," he simply stated as he wiped his blade clean.

Iagus snorted, grabbing the werewolf’s now human head in one hand, and the body in the other, “You just made more work fo’ me, Rahadin.”

"One living is enough," Rahadin replied, brushing past Aric, "Excuse me."

Strahd trotted on the nightmare with Linda, peering past her down to the ground. He looked at the ghastly pile of corpses, a grim reality of any large scale fight... but he preferred to see that. He himself had only lost three of Krezk’s guards...

We were lucky, Strahd decided with much sourness. Lucky to come to Krezk on that day, lucky to discover the Abbot’s conspiracy, lucky to have prevented werewolves from teleporting past Krezk’s walls... Lucky to have incapacitated Mordenkainen before he could cast...

I hate relying on luck. This will not do.

Strahd spoke with Linda and Ruki, his voice firm, "Let us reconvene. Mordenkainen yet lives... this may be good for us... and you were wise to leave one of the foul brood alive..."

He pulled on his nightmare’s reigns and leaped over the walls of Krezk to speak with Rahadin. Linda yelped in shock. And grumbled, dismounting the nightmare.

Aric went to examine the unconscious form of the mage called Mordenkainen and looked on his belt and in his robes...

A piece of Strahd’s journal... he’ll be wanting that back, Aric thought. A spell book... another journal, “Tome of Foes,” a pouch of... odd stuff... foreign currency... Oh?

He pulled out a slip of paper and read it:

You seek to know the truth of this place, I can tell it to you... I have valuable information in regards to Barovia's connection to the Blood War... I will tell you how to get to the Amber Temple. Meet me at the old monastery in Krezk... Signed, A Friend...

Aric pulled out an odd magical symbol on a pendant... In his foreign diplomacy studies, his knowledge encompassed not just the politics of Faerun and the world of Toril, but other planets as well. This was a symbol of a protective order, the Circle of Eight from Oerth...

Suddenly he realized why the name was familiar. Mordenkainen was their leader... But what was he doing here?

Ruki made her way down and joined Strahd and Linda.

Rahadin looked at them, disapprovingly, "You said you would not enter the fray, my lord."

Strahd was flippant, "I am no worse for wear, am I, Rahadin?"

Linda raised a finger in opposition, "Technically he didn't enter it. He ended it."

Ruki nodded, “With all due respect, Master Rahadin, he only entered to deliver the final blow.”

Strahd smiled as smugly as he could with his twisted features, “Listen to the ladies, Rahadin. There is no need to worry. And I believe the issue of taking me into the fray actually belongs to Linda and Beucephalus, in this regard..."

Strahd pat Beucephalus, the nightmare, affectionately. The nightmare snorted and stamped a fiery hoof on the ground.

Rahadin sighed, "Very well, my lord. Lady Ruki..." Rahadin turned to face the young Vistana, "I am impressed at your honing of your powers. You have certainly improved, however... a warning would be much appreciated out in the field."

Ruki folded her arms, “In certain circumstances, collateral in inevitable.”

Rahadin huffed in slight amusement, "You've certainly taken after the lord..." Rahadin turned his attention to Linda, "I will say that watching you was... interesting."

Linda raised a brow, "And why is that?"

"Something new to watch. I am not immune to boredom," Rahadin moved beyond them and strode into Krezk.

Aric took the journals and put them in his pack, and grabbed the note, pulling on Jeeves as he went to report to Strahd, "Seems Mordenkainen knows where the Amber Temple is."

That caught Strahd’s interest, “Is that so? Then it seems that it would be in our best interest to learn from him its location."

Strahd dismounted from Beucephalus, and walked over to Mordenkainen’s unconscious body, examining it. It didn’t look like he would awake soon. That should work in my advantage. He lifted the man and carried him to his nightmare with ease, strapping him to the saddle.

“We will need to take him... to the tower on lake Baratok. The best place to contain him is where he will have no access to magic. He isn't beyond the capacity of casting spells as I am right now... and I don't want him blasting fireballs when he wakes," Strahd told Linda.

"Do we know where Van Richten is? Did he go back there?" Linda looked to Strahd.

Strahd replied tiredly, "I don't know if he is still there or not. I can't scry, and even if I could, it would not be sufficient to penetrate the tower's defenses,” he sighed, "But it is better than the alternative. You can at least reason with the hunter. As can Aric. And Ruki can speak sense to her Vistani brethren."

Linda nodded, folding her arms, "Alright. Seems fine with me."

-------------------------------

Ruki took her staff and walked over to her dominated werewolf. She poked it, commanding, “Speak, boy!”

"What do you wish me to say, master?" it replied, eyes glazed over.

Ruki planted her staff in the ground, “Everything you know about the attack and any further plans.”

"Our portal was destroyed...” it snarled, “Mehmet insisted on waiting until it was fixed... but Kiril insisted that faulting on our plans would make the pack look weak to the humans... We were to kill every last human here, bring back the traitor wench... and sacrifice her to the Temple."

Ruki tilted her head, “And who is this 'traitor wench'?”

“Zuleika... Toranescu..." he replied.

Well, we will not let that happen, will we? she thought to herself. She commanded the werewolf to follow her back to Lord Strahd and her companions.

Strahd looked over and raised a brow, "And how long before that thing returns to being a bloodthirsty killing machine?"

"Did it ever stop being that?" Jeeves questioned.

Ruki glared at the snippy servant, “It can start at my command. Shall I demonstrate?”

Jeeves held up his hands, "Whoa, we are on the same side here, Lady Ruki."

Strahd held out a hand to Ruki, "Have you extracted all its' knowledge?"

“ Yes, my lord,” Ruki replied, “It seems they were here to capture Zuleika for a sacrifice.

"Sacrifice?" Strahd questioned.

“Answer my lord's questions,” She commanded the werewolf.

The werewolf droned through its muzzle, "Sacrifice for the Temple. That is her purpose now... Kiril wanted her soul. I know not what for."

"Her soul in particular? That they would ravage an entire town? Peculiar..." Strahd was not surprised. Zuleika was one of the few creatures in Barovia that could remember their past lives...

And was one of the few who could embrace each new life.

When he first met her, she was Katrina, also a werewolf... a lover to him, then a betrayer, then a lover again... then the natural course of life happened.

Death.

Then she lived again, and again, and again... drifting further apart, keeping respectful distance. Her soul and personality continuing to endure despite Barovia’s corrupting effects.

No, it hardly surprised him that her soul would have some kind of value for a magical sacrifice.

Rahadin returned, interrupting Strahd’s brooding thoughts, "My lord. I've spoken to the Burgomaster. He is prepared to see you now."

Strahd turned to the elf, "Excellent. If you will excuse me... I need to have a little chat with Dmitri..."

“Shall I accompany you, my lord?” asked Ruki.

"Anyone else up for a chat with Dmitri?” Strahd turned to his guests, “You did just help save this town. I am sure that seeing the heroes that did what he could not would help put things in perspective... Will you join us, young lord Aric? Linda?"

“I will come,“ Linda nodded.

"Jeeves and I will join,” Aric confirmed, “Maybe we will learn something new about Mehmet's involvement in all this."

Strahd nodded his satisfaction and raised a finger in warning to Ruki, “No werewolf inside the town.”

“Very well,” Ruki pouted slightly and commanded the werewolf to remain where it was.

Guards trained their weapons on the monster, ready for it to break free of Ruki’s control. Strahd gave orders to Rahadin:

“Make sure Mordenkainen stays unconscious. But try not to injure his head too much," Strahd walked gracefully through the gates as Rahadin took the nightmare and the sleeping mage to the side.

Peasants gathered outside. It was a most unusual sight. The citizens parted, and gave wide berth for their Vampire Lord and his guests. Strangely, the people seemed more curious than fearful of Strahd’s arrival- even despite his ghastly appearance. But they were still rightfully wary of the vampire.

He walked with purpose, his eyes burning straight forward.... and eventually landing on those who had provoked his ire in the first place:

Burgomaster Dmitri Krezkov, and his wife, Ana Krezkova.

They stood outside their cottage, looking fearful, and tired from grief. They were still in mourning for their dead son who laid on a wheelbarrow just outside their home. A grave had been dug. They were getting ready to bury him.

Strahd made a subtle gesture... he had no magic for casting greater spells, but at the very least, he could disguise his voice... and perhaps make it a little more otherworldly too...

He used a thaumaturgical spell... his voice became louder, more ethereal and ghostly... a faint echo followed his words.

"Good evening, Dmitri," Strahd spoke to the burgomaster, neglecting his title and affirming his rank above them.

The old man immediately fell into a bow, as his wife performed a timid curtsy.

"Good evening, my lord!" Dmitri yelped.

Strahd gestured lazily, "You may rise...” He paused, disapproval seeped into his voice, “We have some things to discuss, Dmitri."

How does he expect to repair the relationship between him and his people like that?! Linda wondered. She reached out to him and discretely touched his hand, pleading him with her eyes, Please, Strahd... tone it down... you don’t have to be the big, bad, lord of the land.

Strahd looked to Linda and saw the expression on her face. It seems that she is worried- but not for the Burgomaster’s sake... he noted. Worried for me? Does she think that this display will...?

He acknowledged her with a small nod, and turned to Dmitri, his voice a little more quiet and calm, "Let us discuss this somewhere a little more private."

Dmitri nodded and stood up, "We can go to my cottage, right inside. I should have enough room to sit you..." he turned around and entered the cottage, waiting.

Take the opportunity, Strahd thought. He gave Dmitri an offended and pointed look.

Dmitri flustered, remembering the lore on vampires, "Apologies... please, come- come in."

Strahd hid his satisfaction... the more they thought he was a normal vampire, the better. He nodded his thanks to the burgomaster and strode into the cottage, tilting his head to keep it from striking against the frame of the door.

Linda sighed, and followed him in. Someone had to make sure that he didn’t make a mess of this situation, it might as well be her.

---------------------------------------

Ruki held back, and paused. One of Aric’s rings was aglow on his hand... and it seemed to glow in the presence of the boy’s body... Ilya Krezkov was his name, according to the tombstone. She turned to Aric, and asked quietly, “Master Aric, what does that particular ring do?”

Aric looked down at the rings on his hand. The ring on his right index finger was glowing... he looked to her, "It is a ring of spell storing, I can use any spell that has been previously cast on the ring. It has quite a few spells from the Abbot. If I remember correctly, the Abbot was going to use the raise dead spell in the ring on the boy."

Ruki nodded, not wanting to draw attention to themselves, “Might be worth our while to try that.”

They quietly moved over to the wheelbarrow as Strahd and Linda went in the cottage. Jeeves folded his arms and quietly stood guard for them.

There was a thin death veil covering the boy. His face was exposed, his eyes closed, mouth agape, pale skin...

“How do we use the ring of yours, Master Aric?” Ruki questioned.

Aric remembered the lore he had learned, "I think I need to touch the body and release the spell in the ring."

Ruki was curious and gestured to Ilya, “Have at it, then.”

Aric gingerly pulled the death shroud back, and put his right hand on the boy’s shoulder. Aric closed his eyes and focused on the ring... Please, bring him back, he willed.

The boy gasped, color returning to his face. He shuddered and sat up, as if he had just awakened from a horrible nightmare. He shook and clutched his arms, looking to Aric and Ruki with fear, "Wh-what are you?!"

Ruki used a soothing voice, “Relax young master, your parents sent us to rescue you.”

Ilya calmed a bit and his eyes widened, "R-rescue me? Really?"

“Yes,” Ruki purred, “the Abbot had abducted you to accomplish his nefarious plans.”

“You are perfectly safe now, though,” Aric added, “Your parents are just inside discussing things with Lord Strahd."

Ruki pat Ilya’s shoulder gently, “It may be for the best young master to stay here.”

Ilya paused, uncertain, "Are they in trouble? The vampire doesn't come out of his castle unless someone's in trouble with him. He usually sends Vasili."

Aric didn’t know how to comfort the boy... he didn’t know enough about Barovia to do so. He looked to Ruki.

Ruki explained, “A werewolf attack on Krezk was brought to the lord's attention, and he arrived to aid in the defense of the village.”

There was a long pause as Ilya thought. Then he blurted, "And I missed it?! Man, that would have been so cool to see!"

Ilya sighed and wrapped the veil closer around him, "Nothing exciting ever happens here."

Aric rose, satisfied, "Jeeves, would you mind going and interrupting the meeting? Tell Lord Strahd that the young master is awake."

Jeeves nodded, "Yes, Lord Aric," and went to the door.

-----------------------------------

This place... is homey, warm, thought Linda, unlike most of Barovia. There were several small rooms surrounding a hearth in the middle of the cottage. Strahd took seat by the fire, the flames casting dramatic shadows across the deformities of his face.

Dmitri sat with his wife, across from the vampire. Strahd eyed the burgomaster and his wife.

Linda did not feel comfortable sitting in a place like this- not with the tension in the room. She stood standing near Strahd in case this talk went south.

Strahd began, "Vasili and these foreigners told me of the impending attack on Krezk, and managed to foil several schemes to raze the town.”

Strahd tilted his head, “Were you aware of the Abbot being a traitor to your people? Or the creatures he was harboring in the Abbey? Or the murder of women and children to create foul constructs?"

Dmitri blinked and sputtered, "No, of course not! What do you mean?" Fear crept on his face.

Strahd looked to Linda and gestured, "Do you care to explain to the burgomaster what you strangers and Vasili experienced?"

Linda nodded and looked to the old man, "When we went to the Abbey, we discovered that the Abbot had murdered a bunch of people to create a...” She paused, looking for the right words to describe Vasilka, and opted for the simplest answer, “Well it was a flesh golem. And there were a few dozen other creatures...”

She paused before cautiously adding, “We also learned that the Abbot was behind your son's death."

Ana gripped on to Dmitri, "You are certain?” Frustrated tears pooled in her eyes, “I knew it was too sudden a death... everyone in this town is healthy, due to the blessed waters of the pool... we couldn't understand why our boy was so sick... he... he murdered our son?"

Linda folded her arms, "He said that all he was doing was to punish the people here for their lack of faith and that he was going to preform a miracle to make you all believe."

Dmitri shook in fury, "Our son... was a pawn..."

Linda raised a hand, "I'll have you know, we killed the Abbot for his wrong-doings.” She shook her head, “I could not let his madness and over-zealous behaviors keep hurting the people here."

Strahd nodded his approval to Linda before adding, "The Abbot had planned to allow the werewolves to come through the Abbey, and turn loose the poor souls there to raze Krezk.,.. it seems the werewolves' threats about the Abbot were merely a distraction. "

Dmitri bowed his head, "I knew not my lord. I apologize."

Strahd steepled his fingers, his voice gaining a new edge, "The problem here is that I, Strahd von Zarovich, Lord and Protector of Barovia... was kept ignorant of the affairs of Krezk. It is your duty as Burgomaster to see to it that Krezk is sufficiently defended, and to alert the lord of the land to any and ALL problems-” His voice raised, “that plague this town! You have been... negligent in your duties..." he hissed.

Linda put a hand on Strahd’s shoulder. No, calm down... you are getting too intense... You are scaring them...

Strahd took a moment to pause. He looked first at Linda, then to the Burgomaster and his wife. He waited until he had calmed before softening his voice and stating, "I am not un-merciful, however....”

He folded his hands in his lap, “I am aware that there has been... some misunderstanding among my people, about how my... condition... may interfere with my ability to rule.”

He became firm, but not harsh, “But know this... I will not tolerate the same in the future. I always have been, and remain, lord and protector. Is that clear?"

Linda stepped forward. Strahd really didn’t know any other way to talk to his subjects, it seemed. Damage control...

“I think what he means is that the next time you don't tell him that you need help, that there will be problems.”

Having their attention she continued, “He did come to your aid as soon as we told him what was happening. I may be over-stepping myself, but as an outsider I think everyone here doesn't give each other the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions, or believing every rumor they hear.”

She gestured to the vampire, “And Strahd is no exception to that. You have to communicate with him, just like he should be communicating with you. It's a work in progress, but at least the town is safe."

Dmitri paused and looked to gauge Strahd's reaction. Strahd’s lips tugged in the barest expression of amusement.

Strahd paused and reached out his senses... New life? An idea crossed his mind. He looked to the burgomaster, "Let us just agree to work on good relations from here on out.” He paused, “Now... let us have a show of good faith, Dmitri."

Dmitri looked to his Count, confused, "My lord?"

"I have a keen sense for life...” Strahd barely explained, before turning to his female companion, “Linda, would you fetch Ruki?"

Linda quickly went to the front door, and nearly smacked into Jeeves as he opened the door at the same time. She stumbled as Jeeves dodged out of the way...

Ruki stared at Linda as she stumbled.

Linda, flustered, blurted, “Ruki, Strahd sensed life.”

Ruki nodded serenely, “Indeed,” she turned to the formerly dead boy, “Let us reunite you with your parents, young master Ilya.”

“Awesome!“ Ilya jumped off the wheelbarrow.

Linda saw the boy, and blinked, stone-faced, before retreating back inside. Being around the vampire was less weird than a boy returning from the dead.

Jeeves peered inside, "Oh, um... Lord Strahd... Aric told me to inform you that the young master is awake."

“Excellent,“ Strahd purred. He leaned backward in his seat, lazily, as the boy rushed inside.

Dmitri and Ana froze.

Ilya jumped and rushed past Linda to his shocked parents, “Hi mom! Hi dad...” he turned to look at the stranger in their house.

He doesn’t seem to be too fazed by my appearance, thought Strahd, though perhaps a brush with death in such a way would make one immune to those fears...

“Good night,“ Ilya ventured, “You must be Lord Strahd?“

“That I am...“ Strahd purred in amusement, “Good evening, young Ilya...“ Strahd rose from his seat, towering over the boy, and tilted his head to the Burgomaster.

"A show of good faith,” Strahd repeated, “Just... be mindful in the future. I expect to know if you catch any wind of conspiracy or any other threat..."

Strahd lightly touched Ilya’s shoulder, "Life is such a precious thing. You should be more cautious in the future...”

Noticing the fearful expressions on the Krezkov’s faces, he retreated his hand from Ilya, stating, “All of your citizens depend on the security of Krezk's walls. My envoys and my new... friends...” he paused, to let the vocabulary sink in, “are more than capable of handling any threat there may be. Now, I will bid you a good night, Dmitri. Ana... Ilya..."

Strahd let his form fall into mist for a dramatic and final effect as he left the house.

Linda shook her head at him and turned to the Krezkov’s, "Enjoy your family and have a good night."

She left the house and sighed, following Strahd’s mist, Where the fuck do you think you are going?

Ruki saw Strahd and Linda depart, and had a mind to match her father’s dramatic exit. She readied her staff-

Knocking over a bunch of apples with a loud THUNK! She felt her face grow hot as Aric and Jeeves looked at her, confused.

“How unfortunate,“ she stated before abruptly leaving.

Ilya rushed over to the door to look at the mist depart, shouting, "That was so cool!"

His parents broke out of their shocked stupor to run over to their son and smothered him with hugs and teary kisses, much to Ilya’s annoyance.

-------------------------------

Here should be fine... Strahd re-materialized a fair distance from the cottage in a quiet orchard. No one could overhear them. He turned to his guests with an amused expression, speaking this time in his normal voice: "I will have to find some way to reward you for your services..."

He contemplated to himself, then nodded, "I am open to suggestions. I could bequeath you with titles... part with some of my treasure... give you gifts...” he tilted his head and folded his arms, “The rescue of an entire town and major strategic hold is no small feat...”

He looked to the genasi boy, “And I did take a few liberties with your efforts for the sake of politics, young lord Aric... so I do owe you in particular."

Linda folded her arms, uncaring, "Whatever you see fit. I do not have a preference."

Strahd looked at the woman. What to give her? She has barely any armor to speak of... and we’ve fought mages... Mordenkainen is still an unknown-

"In my possession I have several rings of various resistances. You may have your choice of one when we return to Castle Ravenloft," he decided.

Linda blinked. She didn’t carry any magical equipment other than the holy symbol in her pack, "Alright," she agreed.

Strahd nodded in satisfaction, then turned to Aric, "Is there anything I can offer to you, young lord Aric?" He held out his hands in a gesture of generosity.

"If I may request a particular reward...” Aric knew what he wanted. He looked up at the vampire, determined, “A spell for a spell if you will...”

Aric added, “Obviously, not right now, I know we all need to rest. We can discuss the particulars later.”

Strahd nodded his agreement, "Very well. I accept this. I think in this instance, I may bequeath you with a spell like no other... I will give you a choice: one of three spells that I, myself, have crafted. You will know the meaning of each one, and will be free to make your choice.”

He tilted his head, “Is this arrangement acceptable to you?"

Aric was pleased, "That sounds more than fair, Lord Strahd."

Strahd then turned to Ruki, "Now, you have also proven yourself more than deserving of reward as well. Just because you are my chosen child does not mean that you are exempt from a reward. You did prove your leadership and control several times over through the course of battle."

Ruki stared at Strahd.

Strahd continued, "What is it that you would like from me? A title? Some spending money? Or a treasure?"

“A new robe would be nice,” admitted Ruki, “Or new black leather armor.”

"We will see about having Rahadin fit you, and will make the necessary adjustments to keep you protected. I suppose you have been growing. New armor is far overdue..."

Ruki stared at Strahd deadpan.

Strahd thought of everything that could be tackled in that night and addressed everyone, "I will settle with you once we return to Castle Ravenloft and rest. We shall have to stop by the Tower on the way back, however. Mordenkainen cannot remain at large..."

They all walked out of the town walls. Strahd met with Rahadin and Iagus. The gargoyle held the unconscious Mordenkainen, Rahadin sitting on the gargoyle’s back.

Strahd turned back to his guests, "You are all comfortable riding the nightmares?"

"It wasn't awful the first time, I guess we will see," Aric replied.

Strahd turned to Ruki, "Decide what you will do with your pet. Then go to Castle Ravenloft. Ride with Linda. I will be overseeing Mordenkainen's delivery with Rahadin. Take them to the dining room, and wait for Rahadin and me to return... We shan't be long."

Ruki looked to the werewolf and commanded it to run to Castle Ravenloft.

As his guests mounted the nightmares, Strahd turned into his hybrid bat form.

"My lord..." Rahadin made a pointed look at the guards.

Strahd looked to them too. Cautious, but not hostile. He looked to Rahadin, “They would not dare to harm me. I will be alright. If they do strike...” he paused, “I will let you do the talking, or the decapitating... whatever need be.”

Everyone flew their respective ways. The party made their way to that brooding castle on the mountain.

To Castle Ravenloft.

#story update #curse of strahd #linda tacklemeyer #ruki von holtz #aric rein #strahd #rahadin #dnd #writing

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browncompton75-blog · 6 years

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brianjpatterson · 6 years

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SPOTLIGHT: (”BEING” Part One) Cultivate Your Awareness

If you’re just joining Spotlight, then this is my personal journal of my personal journey as a performer. It’s a kind of way for me to look back on all of my experiences, and lessons I’ve learned, while simultaneously sharing what I’ve learned with you. Disclaimer: The word PERSONAL was utilized twice in the first sentence. Therefore, this is not the gospel or the truth, it’s just me sharing MY experiences in an effort to assist, if possible, in other people’s discovery (end disclaimer). Today, I’m going to skip over the last part (Part 5) of my observation of the Industry’s Corporate Structure, to briefly touch on the ‘BEING’ in “Brian’s B’s” (Being, Behavior, and Business), of my A+B=C method. If you are reading this blog for the first time, here’s a brief over view of my A+B=C method. A stands for the Abstract; It’s your dream and what you desire. C is the Completion or end result to the equation. It’s what you have Concocted. However, B is the thing that doesn’t get much attention, and it is the most vital portion of the equation; It is your Being, your Behavior, and your Business. All the things that YOU actually DO to mix with the A and make the C happen! That is the basic overview of my system. Today, I’m going to focus on Being and I’m going to use a completely true story from November of 2017.

Back in November of 2017, I was living in San Francisco, and had been making my living as a performer in the city for almost then years. It was on November 13, 2017 at approximately 4:10pm that I received a Facebook message on my Fan Page. It was from an actor in the city who I had met once, but from whom I had never seen any work. Her message said this…

“Hi Brian, I've asked you a question before, and you were so generous in your response. If you have time to answer this one, I would so appreciate it. I'm joining SAG, and have been told that Fi-Core would be better. Although the folks at the SAG office disagree. Do you have a personal experience with that? A casting director I trust suggests Fi-Core, and SAG strongly suggests SAG, not Fi-Core. I know it's probably a very personal choice, but I follow you and it seems to me like you make good choices about your career. Do you have a recommendation? Thank you Brian.”

After reading her message, I couldn’t have been more flattered. I had been on the receiving end of quite a few messages like this at the time, and it made me feel good that I could potentially contribute to people’s success and happiness. In this case, the actor was making a huge decision that could have multiple effects. Every actor’s journey is different and need to make decisions specifically catered toward their career. Unfortunately, I didn’t know very much about her career so I couldn’t make any quick suggestions. So I did what every good objective person does: RESEARCH! First, I looked at her Facebook. I didn’t see ANYTHING acting or performance related at all. Then I looked at youtube; I didn’t see any videos or reels. After that I looked her up on IMDb and the only thing listed were a few credits; a few from over twenty five years ago, and then two which spanned over the last three years. Keep in mind all of these were either stand-in, extra work, or a role with no character name. After that, I completed multiple google searches using different variations of her name, the city, and additional words like theatre, film, actor and actress. Guess what? Nothing. Not only was there little to no marketing on this person, but there was nothing attesting to her competence. In addition, she was asking me a question about her business. Rather than making assumptions, I wanted to gather as much information as possible on this person so that I could give her the best advice I could. Besides, there could be an entire theatrical life of which I’m not privy and about which I don’t know. So, I sent back a bunch of questions to get a bigger picture of here situation. Here is what I sent to her:

“First off, I want to acknowledge your commitment to your career and your interest in doing what is best by seeking out advice from what seem to be good sources for you. You're already on the right path as far as I'm concerned. Second, I would agree with you; It's a very personal choice and would require a lot of detailed information. For instance: Do you plan on staying in SF for a while or are you moving to a larger market like NYC, LA, Canada, or London? If so, do you feel like you're in a place where you have enough experience and credits to hold your own and play with the 'big dogs' (SAG) on equal footing? If so, on what kind of tangible data is this based? Third and last, have you created a clear, detailed, and meticulous plan for your career with a somewhat in depth understanding of the road ahead of you? I am someone who prefers to give advice and make decisions by having more global/big picture info filled with as much data as possible. Therefore, if you can answer those few questions, then I think I can give you advice which is best suited for your particular situation. Brian :) “

Here is the answer with which I was met:

“Thank you, Brian. I know those answers for myself and think I will be joining SAG, not as Fi-Cor. I'll be based in California, splitting time between sf and la. My main quandary is that a casting director who I trust up in sf recommends fi- Cor over SAG, yet SAG gives the opposite recommendation. I am joining, that's not in question. Leaning towards sag. I've had 13 years experience in live theater, commercial and film/tv. No reason to wait any more. I know why I'm an actor. More now than ever before. Thank you again.”

A few minutes later, I got this:

“I’d really like to hear your take on Fi-Cor vs. SAG. What I'm most concerned about us if I start as Fi-Cor, will I them be able to switch? The SAG office makes it sound like a very iffy prospect. I don't know anyone who's tried it. Think I will just join SAG and if I want to switch later, try it then.”

Her prior messages let me know that she wasn’t coachable, and didn’t really want to hear what I had to say. Regardless of my success or the contribution that I believed I could make to her after having seen some of her tools. So, I ended the conversation as gracefully as I could and sent her this message:

“It sounds to me like you've made up your mind to join. Mucha Buena Suerte!”

As you can see, I didn’t offer any advice or suggestions. It would have been a waste of time and energy. This person was merely asking for permission. Something I also didn’t give, because I could already tell after looking over her tools that I would be COMPLETELY AGAINST joining SAG. As in my previous posts, being an actor is the equivalent of being an employee in the corporate world. The only difference is that you are an independent contractor. In order to be a successful independent contractor that can support his/her self, you have to have mastered many skills and tools in order to stay employed. Some of those would be: interpersonal relations/communications, clear and concise planning and organizing, marketing strategy, and a harnessing of personal talent. Prior to developing these skills, there is one thing that every person will need in order to develop any of those and that is AWARENESS of self.

Actor and famous acting coach Stella Adler was adamant about her belief that Actors needed to conquer themselves before they conquered a character. I associate this with the ancient martial arts theory of ‘emptying your cup’ that Bruce Lee often taught. It is one of the most important parts of the equations of success. Not just in career, but in every area of life. It is why I believe that it’s the first place to begin when embarking upon a big journey like an acting career. Emptying your cup means getting very clear on who you are inside and out. It’s knowing yourself to a point where you are able to be COMPLETELY objective on every matter. This gives you the ability to step inside a character to the fullest, because you are able to set aside your own perception of reality and everything that could potentially stop you from putting yourself in the shoes of another. For me, I have Wonder Woman. To explain, Doctor William Moulton Marston III who created the character was a psychologist and was a study of the human condition. He imbued many of his characters and inventions with breadcrumb clues to these ideas. He even inspired a system for self awareness that I follow which has aided me tremendously over the last 16 years of my life. I encourage everyone to find their own system which offers them that kind of objective awareness. I write a column called “What Would Wonder Woman Do?”, and in March it was about the “Lack Of Truth in Society”. Truth is something that requires personal awareness. Without it, you can not be completely authentic. As you continue your search toward your own system, here are some ideas on how to begin developing personal awareness, which are derived from my article.

BE AWARE OF YOUR ABILITY TO BE COACHABLE When you aren’t coachable, you often miss out on important information. It could be information that could make 100% difference in your life and/or career. In the example of the actress who asked me for advice, I could see where she wanted to go and if you read some of the questions I asked her, I already had some really fantastic suggestions for her to be successful. Unfortunately, she wasn’t open to hearing them and was completely UN-coachable. Some of her language was a little defensive and put up a wall. This is what happens when you’re triggered, and being coachable means understanding those triggers that hold you back from being coachable. Examining what those triggers are, how they got there, and how to work around them will assist you in becoming coachable. In my article, you’ll see that the Ladder Of Inference explains how personal perception can influence present events.

BE AWARE OF WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW When we think we know something and assume that we don’t need another perspective that might be different, that will often make us un-coachable. If we come from a place of ‘I already know’ then it immediately shuts off the ability to connect, and also the ability to learn. The opposite will open up the possibility of connection, affinity, and even learning new knowledge. In my situation, the actress that asked me for advice was completely and totally un-coachable even though she came to ME for advice. Being open to what she didn’t know would have given her the ability to gain new knowledge which could have aided her to a more bountiful and successful career. It is important to be able to know the difference between the former and the latter situation. I believe that is to be like Wonder Woman, which is to follow the way of love. When you are being loving you are continually choosing to understand and accept the world around you. I write about this in my article. For me, I like to think of a scientist. He (or she) knows that there are facts and laws in the universe, but they are always testing new things against them for new outcomes and new possibilities. That pure, loving, and inquisitive nature of being open and asking questions will almost always guarantee that you find out things that you didn’t know before. Be your own scientist and like the article says, “Lasso The Truth”!

BE AWARE OF YOUR LIMITATIONS We all have limitations, but very few people are truly aware of what actually creates their limitations. This often leads to people not knowing exactly what their limitations might be. In the case of the female actor who messaged me, she is setting out to work in a market of SAG/AFTRA professionals. This will limit her for many reasons. Without proving to have a strong work history, a strong body of work, a clear concise plan to success, an ability to book (aka adequate practice and developing a system for auditioning) and to do so on the SAG level, she is limiting herself. Specifically, since she is doing so in a primarily non-union market where the SAG work is very limited. In my ‘What Would Wonder Woman Do’ article, about the lack of Truth in Society, I reference a scene written by Phil Jimenez in Wonder Woman #170 where she reveals that she is forced to always be honest with herself due to her having the lasso on her hip. By finding our own ‘magic lasso’ or system to keep ourselves honest we can be more aware of our own limitations. Being honest about them can also lead to more connection and success.

CONCLUSION When you find yourself to not be coachable, are approached by someone who might have some knowledge, or even have a limitation that is being challenged, and you feel resistance; STOP! Take a few breaths and ask yourself, Why am I so resistant? Why do I feel like pushing back on this? What is this reminding me? Then try to replace it with questions. Try to come from a place of innocence and inquisition. Ask questions why what you’re being suggested is a good idea, or even what led to this philosophy. You may actually learn something new that you didn’t know before. Asking these kinds of questions will be easier once you have found your own system of awareness. Some people go to therapy, some go to church, and some have self help gurus. Personally, mine is Wonder Woman and the work influenced by Dr. Marston III. The previous were just a few suggestions on how to begin cultivating your own awareness. Everyone is different and everyone will find their own system. To recap, I have yet to hear from the female actor (actress) who originally sent me her question regarding SAG. I will say this though, it has been nine months now since that question, and after going back to look over her marketing materials, I noticed that there has been absolutely no change. I’ve seen no new videos, clips, or reels added. Her IMDb hasn’t been updated with any new projects, and google still doesn’t show anything about her work in any genre (stage or screen). So whatever she is doing, it’s getting her more of what she had. As for me, I was given a principal contract in a SAG national commercial I shot last week with three celebrities; Two of them have over five million followers and the last has nearly a million followers on Twitter. That being said, I urge you all to find your own system of cultivating your personal awareness to a point where you become more objective, authentic, and inquisitive. It is one of the first steps of the BEING part of ‘Brian’s Bs’ and will assure your success in many areas of life, including career. And if I can do it, then you can definitely do it too! :)

#actor #actors #actress #advice #suggestion #blog #wisdom #wonder woman #wonderwoman #love #questions #scientist #SAG #screen actors guild

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hethrewmyheartinthecut · 6 years

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Tatiana/esme for coffeeshop au? Only if you feel like it of course!

Oh, I feel like it. I most certainly feel like it.

with your hair down, a Tatiana x Esme fic

read more like this on ao3 • or my tumblr masterlist

One morning Esme came to work, unlocked the front door, and found a dark-haired woman just sitting there on the edge of the front counter, heel-clad feet swinging back and forth, doing something on her phone. Evidently bored, but holding herself with the feline grace of an aristocrat, clad head to toe in clothing a sleek white pantsuit whose professional effect was absolutely ruined by the black lace crop top she wore underneath.

“I want a croissant,” she said. What accent was that? Russian?

Esme rubbed her eyes and tried to make sense of it all. “We’re not open until six-thirty,” she said. “How did you get in?”

“Two almond croissants. And a quad macchiato.”

“I don’t want to call the police.”

“Then don’t.”

Esme let her massive purse fall to the floor with a thud. “It’s too early in the morning for this. Tell me who you are, or I’ll kick you out myself.”

Without changing the position of her head, the woman looked up. Esme froze. A lesser woman would’ve stepped back. Suit or no, there was nothing civilized about those green eyes. They were purely feral, and nakedly interested.

But then the woman blinked, and it was if a blade had been sheathed. “That’s the level of dedication I like to see in my workers,” she said, giving Esme a sardonic smile and then returning her attention to her phone.

“Your?”

“Check your email.”

Esme pulled out her own phone, and sure enough, buried under an assortment of unasked-for grocery store coupons, sales advertisements for kids’ clothing, requests to schedule parent-teacher conferences, and the occasional chain email from Linda, there was an email from corporate that congratulated Tatiana Petrovna on becoming the youngest person to ever own a Moody’s Coffee. In the email there was a photo, unquestionably of the same woman that now sat on the countertop, with her curly hair swept up into a bun and her flawless face set in a smug smile.

Esme picked up her purse and made her way behind the counter. “What happened to Bob?”

“Who’s that?”

“The previous owner.”

“Dead.”

Esme felt like she should say something about that, like: oh, that’s too bad, but it wasn’t really. He’d been an old, unpleasant, and incompetent. Besides, Tatiana clearly didn’t give a damn. In fact, from this angle, Esme could see her phone, and it was perfectly obvious that Tatiana was just continually swiping left on a wide array of people, mostly uni students, a few professors.

“Two percent, skim, almond, soy?” Esme said.

“Do I look like a vegan to you?”

“That only eliminates two.”

“I don’t care.”

For one sweet moment, Esme fantasized about making the macchiato with half and half instead of milk, or better, just putting a glob of sour cream in a cup with espresso, but then, employment. Employment was good. Or if not good, then at least necessary.

“Skim it is,” she said.

Twenty minutes later, the croissants came out of the oven piping hot. Esme slid them into a brown paper bag, and handed the bag, along with the macchiato, to Tatiana.

Tatiana hopped off the countertop and landing so smoothly that her suit remained immaculate, unstained by even the smallest fleck of macchiato. “Tell Hansen she gets a ten percent raise if she doesn’t fuck up.”

“Tell her yourself,” Esme said, but by then Tatiana was already half-out the door.

In the weeks that followed, Tatiana showed up randomly, never at the same time, never eating the same thing, and wearing a succession of increasingly exquisite clothes, verging on couture. On the very same day that Esme’s oldest stepchild, Katie, got her first period, stained the backseat of their car, and cried about it all the way home, Tatiana showed up at Moody’s Coffee wearing Louboutins. That had Esme feeling some type of way. Nothing positive.

There were other changes, too: the old uniforms of ugly green polo shirts and black pants were replaced by graphic tees and jeans; the menu shortened but the list of weekly specials grew; the corporate décor disappeared overnight, replaced by cozy, eclectic, bean-bag-and-lamp style pieces. It all seemed utterly suited to the aesthetic of a hip college town, but utterly antithetical to Tatiana’s aesthetic in all its red-lipped, stiletto glory. But she clearly didn’t disapprove; the Saturday after the renovations, she appeared before even the bakers, somehow having managed to discover a way to lie languorously, elegantly even, across two beanbags with a bottle of wine and a massive Russian tome.

About three weeks in, Esme showed up to work an afternoon shift and Tatiana was behind the counter, leaning against the back wall, phone in hand, but watching with keen interest everything that poor Carter and Fiona were doing.

“Move,” Esme said.

“Why?”

“The three o’clock classes get out in ten minutes, and I won’t have the time to be reaching around you to get at the rack of syrups.”

“Mm.” Tatiana moved back into the corner and stood so still that in the midst of the rush, Esme forgot she was there at all, until a girl in a Canada Goose coat leaned over and tapped Tatiana on the shoulder. Now this, Esme wanted to see. If only because she loathed every fool who bought an $800 jacket when a $150 would do.

“Hey. Are you the manager?” the girl said.

“The owner,” said Tatiana, slightly through her teeth.

“Look, I’m not trying to cause trouble, but she misspelled my name.” The girl pointed at Fiona, who, bless her, looked petrified. “Sorry,” she said.

“What’s your name?” Tatiana had a way of making every word sound desultory, but it didn’t stop the girl a bit. She barrelled on.

“It’s not Claire, C. L. A. I. R. E., it’s Clare, C. L. A. R. E.”

“Ah.” Tatiana stared at her, magnificently, transparently bored.

“So?” Clare said.

“Would you like me to do something?”

“Tell your employees to spell my name properly, maybe?”

“I really am sorry,” said Fiona.

“Alternatively?” said Tatiana.

Clare’s brow furrowed. “What?”

“Alternatively…” With the flick of one finger, Tatiana knocked over the cup, and it tipped over sideways, spilling a hot brown stream onto the girl’s winter boots.

The girl took a step back, and Esme could see the precise moment when denial turned to rage. “You know what? I’m going two blocks down, and I’m getting it from Starbucks! I’m getting everything from Starbucks from now on!”

“Enjoy it while it lasts,” said Tatiana. Her red lips lifted in that feline smile. “Starbucks will be closing soon. I hear the building’s been cursed.”

The girl looked over at Esme, as if seeking reassurance that this was all a practical joke. Esme smiled a placid and flat-eyed smile right back at her. Clare left.

The next day, there was a plaque up on the wall with Tatiana on it. The bio underneath might have been printed in a cutesy font, the swirl of midnight blue might have been well in keeping with the whimsy of the coffeeshop, but there was no amount of design that could render Tatiana’s sheer magnetic arrogance and beauty into something friendly. Even in a photo.

That plaque got plenty of use. Tatiana showed up during every rush, morning, noon, and night, for nine days straight, expertly weaving between the workers and taking orders just like the rest with a smile about a hundred watts too bright for comfort. Clack clack clack went her heels on the tile. Her misspellings became too aggressive to be mistaken for a mistake. At every complaint, she pointed at the plaque.

Pay improved. A few people vanished, without any clear confirmation about whether they’d been fired or just quit. Esme didn’t complain. She found she was enjoying the reign of this new tyrant, even though the tyrant’s benevolence was still an open question.

Even after that nine-day sprint, Tatiana occasionally showed up during the rush. Sometimes she jumped in, doing everything from cappuccinos to taking out the trash; other times, she demanded (and received) free pastries.

“She’s so rude,” said Carter, late one Friday night, at closing.

“That’s exactly why people love her,” said Fiona.

“I’m just scared of her,” he said.

“She’s like a neighborhood cat that only bites,” Fiona added. “It’s fun for them. It’s a bit of personality.”

“But how long before we start losing customers?” said Esme.

“I don’t know, but month over month sales have gone up by six percent,” said Hanson. “I think it’s working.”

“We’ll see,” said Esme.

Except the next week, the Starbucks two blocks down closed and Moody’s got even busier.

“Oh my God. Oh my God.” Fiona gripped Esme’s arm hard. “Look. That’s the guy.”

Esme peered over the counter at the blonde man picking up a copy of the Wall Street Journal in the corner store opposite Moody’s Coffee. “You’re kidding.”

“Who?” Carter craned his neck.

“That’s the only man I’ve ever seen Tatiana swipe right on. There have been four women, and one man. That’s the man.”

All three stared breathlessly until he disappeared down the street.

“He was tall,” said Fiona admiringly.

“Not that tall,” said Carter.

“You’re five foot seven, what would you know about tall?”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“He seems rich. Like sugar daddy rich. Do you think Tatiana has a sugar daddy?”

“Why would she need one?” Esme said.

“Why indeed,” said Tatiana, appearing as if by magic from the back room.

Fiona and Carter scattered.

“You might enjoy it,” Esme said.

“Mm, the long game’s much too much work, and men are not dependable. Take it from me, Esme, all meat tastes better when you’ve hunted it yourself.”

“Spoken like a true heiress, with no spouse, no parents, and no children.”

“Doesn’t make me wrong.”

Tatiana was right, of course, but Esme couldn’t bring herself to say it, so she just gave Tatiana one last look and turned back to the whipped cream.

Nobody ever saw the blonde man again.

This sexual harassment training video had to have been made in the eighties. At first, Esme thought she could tolerate the old graphics and the quasi-elevator music, but then the man in the example said honkers and she burst out laughing.

“Let’s just get through this,” said Hanson grimly.

“No, she’s right,” said Tatiana from the back, at her most sardonic. Hanson flipped on the lights.

“How long have you been here?” said Fiona.

“Too long.” Tatiana walked to the front of the room. “I’m taking over this education. The video’s far too complicated. It’s a simple calculation. Sexual harassment is just a flavor of bullshit with very specific consequences: if you do it, you lose an ear. If you don’t, you live your life.” She produced a folding knife and opened it up. “Bullshit.” She closed it again. “No bullshit.” Opened it “Bullshit.” Closed it. “No bullshit. Now let’s have a demonstration. Who wants to be sexually harassed today?”

The workers at Moody’s Coffee were almost acclimated to Tatiana to the point where the production of a knife and a few threats of bodily harm surprised no one. Still, only Esme raised her hand. She had really developed a taste for Tatiana’s nonsense.

“Are you sure?” said Tatiana, with a hint of amusement.

Esme leaned back in her chair. “Hit me with your best shot.”

“Esme Shelby,” Tatiana said, “The uniform replacements were worth every penny, if only because your tits were absolutely wasted behind those old baggy green shirts.” She turned to the workers and flipped the knife open. “Bullshit. You see?”

“Not sure I’d call that bullshit,” Esme said.

“For the purposes of your education. Now, let’s try a different kind of compliment. Esme, great job today. You really impressed me by getting every order out without a single spill.”

“Snore,” said Esme.

Tatiana flipped the knife closed. “But it wasn’t bullshit. Everyone’s ears stay attached.”

“Kind of mild, wasn’t it?” said Esme.

“What?”

“Your bullshit example.”

“You’d like another?”

“Sure.”

Tatiana stared at her directly. “Esme, every day that I come into this shop, I think to myself: I hope her husband has the stamina of an Arabian horse. Because if I were him, I would make it my personal mission to eat that pussy every single day, and twice on Sundays.”

“Oh, he’s been dead two years now.”

Tatiana, for once, had nothing immediately ready to say.

“But thanks,” Esme added lightly. “He did have a fantastic tongue.”

“I think you’ve got your point across, Petrovna,” said Hanson severely.

“Class dismissed,” said Tatiana.

It was soft and sunny despite the dreadful cold, and during an early afternoon lull, Esme was the only one behind the counter. Having already wiped down the counter, she fell into a reverie. It was broken all too soon by Tatiana saying, sounding for the first time a little anxious, “Did that woman just leave her baby behind in a fucking coffeeshop?”

Esme looked over the counter. Yes, there was a baby in a big black plastic carrier. Fussing. Oh, this was not good. Esme knew that sound. “They’re going to start crying any second now.”

“What do I do?”

“Just talk to them.”

Tatiana leaned over the carrier. Lit like that by the sunlight coming in rays through the windows, she could’ve been a Madonna. But then she spoke. “Ultimately,” she said, “I think you’ll find that life is far better without any parents.”

The baby began to cry.

“Jesus, not like that,” said Esme.

Tatiana shot her a scowl, then turned back to the baby and made her voice a shade softer and several notes lower. “Hello,” she said gravely. Then she blew gently into the baby’s face.

The baby started crying harder.

“Fucking hell. Switch,” ordered Esme, coming out from behind the counter as Tatiana, chagrined, did as she was told. “What was that?”

“It usually works on horses,” Tatiana said.

“On horses? What, have you never seen a baby before?” Esme picked the baby up and cuddled it close. It quieted down a little.

“I’ve seen them, of course, but they’re always other people’s babies.”

“Have you ever held one?”

“I couldn’t.”

“The mum’s not going to care whether it’s you or me. If she comes back at all. And they’ll be fine, as long as you don’t drop them. They’re old enough to hold up their head. Aren’t you?” Esme cooed. “You’ve got a good strong neck.”

The baby considered this, then sneezed into Esme’s shoulder.

“Tatiana, come here.”

Tatiana hesitated.

“It’s the best feeling in the world, come on. Come on.”

“Fine.”

Tatiana held the baby gingerly at first, like it might bite her. The baby looked quizzically at her with their enormous brown eyes.

“It doesn’t like it,” Tatiana said, trying to give the baby back.

Esme stepped away. “Just relax.” Rifling through the diaper bag, she found a soother neatly labeled Christie May and a cup of cereal labeled the same. But no kind of return address anywhere.

“Pardon me.” There was a customer at the counter. Esme’s old statistics professor, to be exact. Damn.

“I’ll be right with you,” she called. “Here.” She passed the soother to Tatiana. “Stick that in her mouth if she starts crying again. Pat her on the back a little too, babies like that.”

Esme had three customers to get through after the professor, but when another lull came, she looked over and saw Tatiana dutifully patting away. After a little while, the baby opened her tiny mouth in a big O of a yawn.

Peace reigned in the coffeeshop, or at least until the door swung open.

“Oh! Hello. Did you make a friend, Christie May?” the mother cooed, making a beeline for the baby and taking her back from Tatiana as if nothing had happened. Tatiana made a face of disgust.

“She was crying,” Esme said. She figured it was better to speak than to have Tatiana say anything.

“Say bye-bye to the nice lady! Bye bye!”

A muscle twitched in Tatiana’s jaw.

“There’s a daycare center just three blocks down Division Street,” said Esme.

“Oh, I know,” the mother said airily. “But I was only gone for twenty minutes. Wasn’t I, sweetheart? Wasn’t I?”

The baby gurgled.

“See?” said the mother, as if that proved something. She put the baby in the carrier, picked up the diaper bag, and headed for the door.

“I’m calling Child Protective Services,” Tatiana shouted after her.

“Well?” said Esme.

“It was alright,” Tatiana said grudgingly.

Esme rolled her eyes. “You’re welcome.”

Esme blinked blearily awake against the punishing morning light. Pounding head, dry mouth. What was this? A flashback to her undergraduate days?

“Here.” One syllable, but the voice was unmistakably Tatiana’s. A glass of water was shoved in Esme’s face, and Esme accepted it.

“Where are the kids?” she croaked.

“At your father’s house. It’s Saturday.”

“I thought it was Friday.”

“It was, but now it’s Saturday.”

“Oh Jesus.”

Tatiana was sitting on the nightstand, sipping apple juice from a kids’ juicebox and looking entirely unsympathetic. Esme went back in her memory to try and figure out if she deserved any of this.

“We got drunk last night,” Esme said.

“Yes. Kids were at your father’s, and it was your night off.”

That sounded about right. Tatiana had closed up shop with her, then offered to share a bottle of rum. That much made sense. “Okay.” Esme set the empty glass down, tried to dig deeper into her memory. “Did I drink vodka?”

“Mm-hm.”

“Why did I drink vodka? I hate vodka.”

“No, you like vodka. When it’s mixed with grapefruit juice and rum and curaçao.”

“What?”

“Get dressed.”

“Nnf.” It was all too much. Esme buried her head in her pillow, only to have it yanked out from under her head. “Why?”

“We have to go to the city. There’s that Christmas dinner with your in-laws.”

“Oh, fuck.” Esme sat up. “We?”

“You invited me to come along, last night. You said, and I quote: ‘I want to see the look on Tommy Shelby’s face when I roll up to his stupid mansion with a woman richer than he is on my arm.’”

“That does sound like something I would say.”

“And then you said you wanted to find his knighthood ribbon and flush it down a toilet.”

“I’m not gonna do that.”

“But you want to.”

“You’re not going to do it either.”

“But I want to!”

“You’re not coming.”

“What, you’re going to make the four-hour drive all by yourself?” Tatiana rolled her eyes. “Hurry up and meet me out front, or we’ll be unfashionably late.”

“Tatiana.”

“Mm?”

“Did we have sex?”

“While you were that drunk? Of course not, it would be cheating you of the full Petrovna experience.” With a wink, she shut the bedroom door behind her.

Thanks to the gift of single motherhood, Esme could sleep anywhere, anytime, for as long as she was allowed, so when Tatiana shook her awake, she found herself in Tommy’s neighborhood. God, the place was horrid, with its wrought-iron gates, manicured lawns, and unfiltered bullshit.

“We’re half an hour late!” Tatiana chirped. “This will be good.” She got out of the car. Esme stumbled out after her.

“Wait, shouldn’t we coordinate on–”

Tatiana had produced a garment bag from the trunk of her car. “It’s the holidays, Esme. Did you think I’d come underdressed?” She passed another bag to Esme. “Or that I’d let you?” She opened the car door. “Go on, the windows are tinted for a reason.”

Esme wanted to argue, but this was her only good dress, the same dress that she’d worn to the last Christmas dinner, which Polly would undoubtedly notice. And she was curious.

The bag turned out to contain a sleeveless dark blue sequined number and a matching set of diamond chandelier earrings and a necklace. Damn. Esme had been expecting something more like a shirt with a middle finger printed on it, but come to think of it, this was better. This was much better.

“How’d you pick the fit?” she asked, when she emerged.

“I’m observant.” Tatiana disappeared into the car and came out wearing a cream-colored dress embellished with seemingly dozens, maybe hundreds of tiny pearls. And a fur shrug.

“Good job Ada’s not coming, else you’d get an earful for that.” Saying it was really an excuse for Esme to poke the fur as they walked towards Tommy’s house. It was just as soft as it looked.

“I can take on all comers.”

“I don’t doubt it, but you’ll have your hands full with Polly and Tommy. And Arthur, if he gets offended.”

“And Linda.”

How much had Esme told her while drunk, exactly? Oh well, it was too late to find out. “Definitely Linda,” she agreed.

“We’ll have a good time. It’s always easier to ruin a party when you’re not the host.”

Tatiana rapped on the front door as Esme looked over the big white architectural monstrosity in front of them, with its stupid balcony and its myriad of windows.

“I hate this place,” Esme said.

“I’ve stayed in larger summer homes than this,” Tatiana said. And somehow, that did make Esme feel better about it all.

The door was opened by none other than Tommy himself, in his customary suit, looking every inch as infuriating as the last time she’d seen him, which by no coincidence was the last dinner.

“What, no butler?” said Esme.

He cleared his throat and gave Esme a meaningful look. “We’ve had trouble with servants before.”

She rolled her eyes and brushed past him. “You’re always having trouble.”

“Aren’t you going to introduce me?” he said.

“Tatiana, this is Tommy. Tommy, this is Tatiana.”

“Her brother-in-law,” said Tommy, sticking his hands in his pockets. For a second, Esme forgot that bringing Tatiana along was only a prank, and got more than a little annoyed that he wouldn’t just shake her hand.

But Tatiana tilted her hand and gave a lovely smile. “Her sugar daddy.” With that, she handed over the fur to Tommy, as if he were a footman, and swept down the hallway, latching onto Esme’s arm.

“What was that?” Esme murmured under her breath.

“Thought you said you wanted a rich woman on your arm.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“No, it’s perfect. What better way to annoy them than to go over their heads?”

To be fair, there was nothing Tommy liked less than a competing power. And even if it wasn’t true, it would be delicious to make him think for a moment that the only hold he had on her (the trust he’d put together for the children’s college education) was no longer relevant.

“Just eat your food and enjoy the show,” said Tatiana, and then it was the dining room, and introductions.

Tatiana was at her most charming through the fourth course, and then, sometime during the fifth, Polly put down her fork and said, in that deliberate, clear voice that Esme hated: “So, Tatiana, what is it you do for work?”

“I sell coffee.”

“Ah.”

“And jewels. Art, books, cheese. Used to sell vodka. But now I only drink it.” She smiled brightly. “And I’m getting my master’s in psychology.”

“What is that, the study of psychos?” Arthur guffawed.

“Yes.�� Tatiana didn’t look over; she and Polly were engaged in some sort of a staredown that left Esme on the edge of her seat and also possibly a little horny.

“Jewels?” said Tommy, breaking it up. It was the first he’d spoken for quite some time.

“All kinds,” said Tatiana, and all right, Esme did not care for the way her voice seemed to have dropped half an octave down.

“And what did you say your last name was?”

“I didn’t.”

Tommy pushed his chair back from the table, stood, and left. The east wing, Esme thought; his office. Maybe making a call. Maybe–

“Bathroom?” said Tatiana.

Polly pointed down the west wing. “Four downs the hall.”

“Thanks.” Tatiana got up and went in the opposite direction. Right after Tommy.

Polly was halfway out of her chair to follow when Esme said her name.

“What?” Polly snapped.

“There’ something I need to ask you.”

“Yes?”

“These mushrooms. They’re perfect. Could you share the recipe with me?”

“You know we have a cook,”

“Of course, I’m sorry,” Esme said.

Finn, in a desperate attempt to rescue the situation, sallied forth. “Aunt Linda, have you seen any good movies lately?”

And then it was nothing but the most stilted of small talk while Arthur got drunker and drunker and Esme and Polly sniped at each other, until Tommy and Tatiana returned, Tommy with the faintest traces of bruises beginning to form on his neck, and Tatiana wearing lipstick two shades darker than the one she’d been wearing when she left the table. Less like scarlet, more like blood.

Esme had to hand it to her; she knew how to crash a party. Even Arthur, seven drinks in, looked absolutely horrified. Esme found herself feeling nothing but proud. And maybe a little jealous.

“What did I miss?” said Tatiana.

Tommy didn’t meet anyone’s eyes, and was instead focusing all his attention on chewing a piece of beef.

“Oh, nothing much,” said Esme. “Finn wants to go see the latest Batman movie.”

When they got to the car, Esme collapsed into laughter. “So?” she said, when she had finally caught her breath. By then, they were on the highway. “Did you fuck, or did you fight?”

“Yes.” Tatiana glanced over. “Are you jealous?”

“Why?”

“He’s an eight.”

“He’s a five, and I bet he’s a rotten lay.” Childishly, Esme hoped this would yield some details.

“I can see where you’re coming from,” said Tatiana thoughtfully, fishing a cigarette from her purse with one hand. “Widowers, especially the sad ones, can be a drag. So weepy.” She lit the cigarette. “But if you get the right one, it can be delightful. They fuck with such desperation.”

“Ah.” And there it was, the core of the annual Shelby fight: there were too many empty spots at the table where the people they loved should be sitting, and hating each other was easier than thinking about it.

“Hey.” Tatiana caught her before she could slide too far down into that particular pit of horrors. “Cheer up. I got you something.”

“What?”

“Look in the zipper pocket of my purse.”

“Is this…?”

“I dub thee Lady Esme Shelby, Duchess of Cappuchino.”

“You know what?” Esme pinned Tommy’s knighthood ribbon to her dress. “I think I’ll keep it.”

“Merry Christmas, Esme.”

“Merry Christmas.”

Esme didn’t see Tatiana for two days, and then she showed up at closing, just after Carter had left and Esme was the only one in the shop.

“Hey,” said Esme.

Tatiana sauntered up to the counter. “I got you something.” She slid three envelopes across. In the first were two season passes to the orchestra. In the second, a key. In the third, cash. All in different denominations, twenties, tens, fives, ones. Nonsequential, too. Esme checked.

“You said Katie wants to be be a flautist,” Tatiana said. “So, orchestra.”

Esme looked up. “What is this?”

“Am I not your sugar daddy?”

“I thought that was a joke.”

“I could take them back and get a refund. But put it all together, and it’s still not enough to buy a bottle of 1811 Château d'Yquem.”

“No, I’ll take it.”

Tatiana smirked.

“What?”

“You’re proud about money with Tommy, but not with me.”

“Among his casualties, whether he admits it or not, is my husband. Among your casualties is nobody I care about.”

“You assume I’ve caused deaths.”

“I find it better to assume guilt than otherwise, at this point. Anyways, nobody who wears a five thousand dollar dress is innocent.”

Tatiana appeared to absorb this. Esme could see the wheels turning in her head. “What are you doing on Saturday?” Tatiana said.

“Why?”

“I could find you a babysitter.”

“And?”

“You could find out what’s underneath the five thousand dollar dress.”

Esme couldn’t read her. “Is this because widows fuck with such delightful desperation?”

“No.”

“Is this because you’re experimenting with becoming a sugar daddy?”

“No.”

“Is this some long-con sexual harassment example?”

“Esme. This is only because of you.”

Esme searched her green eyes for a hint of laughter, but for the first time, there was nothing but honesty. That was more terrifying than all of Tatiana’s bullshit smiles put together.

Esme leaned over the counter and kissed her.

Her hair was just as soft as Esme always imagined, and she licked and bit at Esme’s lips just the same. But it was good in ways Esme had never thought of, had not felt in a long, long time.

“You look different with your hair down,” Esme murmured, finally.

“I look different with my clothes off, too.”

“I’ve got kids at home, a babysitter that can’t do overnight. And in-laws that I can’t get rid of, and some other people that make me stick close to home, always get paid in cash, and keep my pictures off the internet. You know that?”

“I do. That’s what this is for.“ Tatiana tapped the second envelope. “I know when you’ve got a day off. I’ll be waiting.”

That was a good, dramatic moment for her to walk out, but she kept standing there, looking at Esme like a fallen angel, all lipstick and bad decisions, and Esme couldn’t help it. She kissed her again.

#Esme x Tatiana #Tatiana x Esme #Esme Shelby #Tatiana Petrovna #Peaky Blinders #Peaky Blinders imagine #Peaky Blinders fanfiction #fic #mine #ask games #prompts #prompt #correspondence

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gordonwilliamsweb · 3 years

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‘Red Flag’ Gun Laws Get Another Look After Indiana, Colorado Shootings

On New Year’s Eve 2017, sheriff’s deputies in the Denver suburb of Highlands Ranch responded to a domestic disturbance. Before the night was over, four officers had been shot and Douglas County Sheriff’s Deputy Zackari Parrish III was dead.

This story also ran on U.S. News & World Report. It can be republished for free.

The gunman was a 37-year-old man with a history of psychotic episodes whose family had previously tried to take his guns away but found themselves without legal recourse to do so.

“We tried every legal avenue we could to not only protect him, but to protect the community,” said Douglas County Sheriff Tony Spurlock. At that time, however, there was nothing more they could do.

That changed with the passage of the Deputy Zackari Parrish III Violence Prevention Act, a “red flag” law that took effect in January 2020. It gives judges the ability to issue “extreme risk protection orders” allowing law enforcement to seize firearms from people deemed dangerous to themselves or others.

Colorado is among the most recent of 19 states to have enacted red flag laws. Connecticut was first, in 1999. Since then, the data has been mixed on whether the laws have prevented suicides and inconclusive on their power to curb mass shootings. The Connecticut law did not prevent the 2012 mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, for instance, though proponents usually point to the laws as one tool for preventing shootings, not one that’s 100% effective.

But law enforcement officials who support the laws say they have clearly saved lives. A study published in 2019 looked at 21 cases in California in which extreme risk protection orders were granted from 2016 to 2018, and found that as of August 2019 none of the subjects of these orders had committed a murder or suicide, though it’s impossible to prove the orders prevented such outcomes.

The red flag law hadn’t been invoked in Colorado, the site of some of the nation’s most infamous mass shootings, when a gunman killed 10 people in a Boulder grocery store in March.

In Indiana, where a former FedEx employee shot and killed eight people at an Indianapolis facility before killing himself in April, prosecutors did not seek a court hearing under that state’s red flag law last year after the suspect’s mother reported to police that her son was suicidal.

Mass shootings may grab the most attention, but they are too rare to measure whether red flag laws help prevent them, said Rosanna Smart, an economist who studies gun violence at the Rand Corp.

The suspect arrested and charged with murder and attempted murder in the Boulder shooting had a history of violent outbursts dating back three years or longer, so it is hard to assess, while facts of the case are still being gathered, whether the red flag law could have been applied to him.

In 2018 the man pleaded guilty to third-degree assault after punching a fellow student at his suburban Denver high school in an attack the victim called unprovoked. He also was kicked off the school’s wrestling team after making threats of violence.

Police seized a shotgun from the Indianapolis shooting suspect after his mother reported in 2020 that she was worried her son, then 18, was considering “suicide by cop,” or deliberately provoking a lethal response by officers. An Indiana prosecutor told The Associated Press that authorities did not seek a hearing under the red flag law because they worried they would have to return the shotgun to him if they lost in court.

Most gun deaths in the U.S. are suicides, and Smart said about two-thirds of red flag cases regard somebody as at risk for self-harm.

Last April, Smart and her colleagues published a review of research on the effects of red flag laws and found ”very inconclusive” evidence that they’re effective as a means to reduce overall firearm suicide or homicide rates.

“I wouldn’t say it’s strongly one way or another,” Smart said.

Research by Aaron Kivisto, a psychologist at the University of Indianapolis, used a method called “synthetic control” to calculate that 10 years after the enactment of Indiana’s 2005 red flag law there was a 7.5% reduction in suicides compared with what would have been expected without the law, and the drop was driven exclusively by reductions in firearm suicides.

In Connecticut, the results were more of a “mixed bag,” Kivisto said. Initially, the effect was “negligible,” but the Connecticut law wasn’t used much until after the Virginia Tech shooting in 2007, in which a student killed 32 people and wounded 17. After that shooting, seizures in Connecticut rose fivefold and Kivisto’s group did then see a reduction in firearm suicides in the state, but they also found that those reductions were largely offset by increases in non-gun suicides. Still, taking all the studies together, Kivisto said, “The biggest takeaway is that the evidence supporting red flag laws as one means of reducing suicide appears to be consistently supported.”

Colorado’s suicide rates are among the highest in the nation, but it’s too soon to know yet whether the state’s red flag law has made a difference, especially given how unusual 2020 was in so many other ways.

From Jan. 1, 2020, to March 26, 2021, Colorado tallied 141 red flag cases. Extreme risk orders were granted under the law in 28 of the state’s 64 counties, including some of the more than 35 counties whose sheriffs or county leaders opposed the law and declared themselves “Second Amendment sanctuaries,” where the law would not be enforced, said state Rep. Tom Sullivan, a Democrat. Sullivan, one of the bill’s sponsors, has been a gun control advocate since his 27-year-old son, Alex, was among the 12 killed by a gunman in the 2012 Aurora movie theater shooting.

Where the red flag law has been used in Colorado, “it’s clearly saved those individuals’ lives. Those people are still alive, and their family members are still alive, and they’re not in custody for homicide,” Douglas County Sheriff Spurlock said. “I do think it keeps my officers safer, and it keeps our community safer.”

But the law still has numerous opponents. Weld County Sheriff Steve Reams counters that situations like the one last fall in which an extreme risk protection order was approved for a 28-year-old man making plans to assassinate state Attorney General Phil Weiser should be dealt with using criminal charges, rather than a red flag law.

“Red flag, to me, doesn’t look like a primary way of dealing with a potentially criminal situation,” said Reams, who called Sheriff Spurlock a good friend with whom he’s repeatedly debated the issue.

As for people at risk of self-harm, Reams said he’d rather have better ways to get them mental health treatment than take their guns away.

Opponents of red flag laws say they’re unconstitutional, but a challenge to Colorado’s law on constitutional grounds filed by the group Rocky Mountain Gun Owners and several Republican lawmakers was dismissed by a state District Court judge in Denver last spring.

Some opposition to Colorado’s law focuses on the execution, rather than the intent. Dave Kopel, an adjunct law professor at the University of Denver and an analyst with the Libertarian-leaning Cato Institute, has testified in favor of red flag laws in the Colorado legislature but is critical of the current law for what he says are weaknesses in due process.

“The accuser never has to appear in court or be cross-examined,” he said, and that means the judge may hear only one side of the case. “My view, as a constitutional law professor, is that you should write the law with strong due process protections at the start.”

But Spurlock, a Republican, said there is more due process in implementing Colorado’s red flag law than there is in police obtaining a search warrant. He said he supports gun rights but does not support allowing possession by felons or people who are a danger to themselves or others.

“That’s why I supported the red flag. And I will continue to do so. I know for a fact that it saves lives, and it’s not harming anyone,” he said.

KHN (Kaiser Health News) is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues. Together with Policy Analysis and Polling, KHN is one of the three major operating programs at KFF (Kaiser Family Foundation). KFF is an endowed nonprofit organization providing information on health issues to the nation.

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‘Red Flag’ Gun Laws Get Another Look After Indiana, Colorado Shootings published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

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zippdementia · 4 years

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Part 87 Alignment May Vary: The Sea of Moving Ice

One of the biggest rules of being a good DM is letting your players take direction and control over the story. It is hard to do, sometimes, especially in D&D, where the DM is often put in the position of knowing everything the PCs are going to encounter (per a dungeon map) and in charge of directing a story that they are told by a module. It is something I have gotten better at as I’ve developed as a DM and yet this game presents a unique challenge in that it has gone on for so long and has incorporated so many story elements and plot lines that, as we draw close to a conclusion, there is an element of linearity that is being assumed (we aren’t starting any new huge unresolveable plotlines).

During this next section, which took us about six sessions to play through, and will be broken into two blog posts, I had to remind myself of that a lot and ultimately was able to let go and let the PCs steer the plot into areas I didn’t foresee at all.

Speaking of steering, this section opens with the Players traveling through a teleport in Vraath Keep to Waterdeep, and from there boarding a vessel, an Icebreaker, to take them north into the uncharted Sea of Moving Ice. This is an adventure lifted straight from Tyranny of Dragons, though changed drastically to fit our story needs. I fell in love with the idea of a dungeon embedded in an iceberg and really wanted to bring that into the campaign.

Brief note on the party’s time in Waterdeep: just to set the stage for the current political climate, while in Waterdeep the party learns that while the Alliance (a political banding together of Waterdeep, Baldur’s Gate, and five lesser cities, whose seat of power is in Waterdeep) has allowed Karina to link her teleport to their city, they are not very supportive of her war effort and feel that getting involved in a war on foreign soil in the Elsir Vale is not very worth their time or attention. They feel powerful enough to repel any invasion that happens to cross the water and seek to attack the Sword Coast; they worry that Karina’s power and influence make her a figure that people would follow and there are some that mutter that the best thing to happen would be for her and the undead to die fighting each other.

Into the White

So why are the PCs heading into the Frozen North? What are they looking for? The set up I use for this adventure is that Karina gets a vision in a dream, a message from a dragon she once gave The Rod of Storms to, in exchange for “treasure when she needed it.” The dream tells her to go to the Sea of Moving Ice and find a particular iceberg named Oyaviggaton, which is native for “Winter’s Crown.” However, Karina cannot leave Vraath Keep right now. This vision comes 80 years or so after she initially traded for it. She did not suspect she would be in the middle of running a war when it came. Karina sends the players, in her stead, telling them that her visions showed her an iceberg, and beneath the iceberg, a library. And beneath the library, something for her, waiting... encased in a massive wall of ice.

Cliff Notes: A long while ago, during the Haggemoth adventure, Karina traded the Rod of Storms away to a Bronze Dragon. It was a cool moment and at the time it let me get rid of a troublesome item and focus on the character growth that was happening with Karina. But the dragon made a promise: one day, when the time was right, it would repay her with a gift. Now that time has come! The Rod of Storms ended up coming back into the game, as well, in the hands of one of the Red Hand generals, and from there it was taken by Nysyries, and when she was killed by Harpies it.... geez, I actually don’t recall after that. I remember at some point Aldric got it and it got powered up by an elemental elder on the plane of air, and then Imoaza killed Aldric to get the Rod and then it was used to build Black Razor Alpha... I mean, this item has woven itself in and out of our story. I thank Robert Kendzie for designing it, as part of Haggemoth!

There is a mechanic in the Sea of Moving Ice adventure that determines, using simple dice rolls, how often a random encounter occurs and after how many encounters the PCs find the iceberg they are looking for. I take this table for our use, but with a twist: I come up with a bunch of new encounters and, depending on what they roll, decide to use those to build up the next part of the story. Imoaza’s player ends up getting the first encounter and it’s one I had hoped to use... three Buer Hags (from Vollo’s Guide).

Buer hags are ice Hags, and I play this encounter up, where they attack the Icebreaker while wheeling and laughing about in a storm they created. They try to lock the Icebreaker onto the side of a huge glacier and partially succeed before the party drives them off with powerful magic. But a few things come out of this encounter. First, they realize that Ruz is a changeling and they tell her something strange: “You’ve come looking for the other one, haven’t you? But you can’t have her. You can’t have our child!”

Also, during the fight, one of the Hags descends on a crewsman manning the crow’s nest and brutally devours him alive. The gory display combined with a blast of a spell from the Hags to amplify its effects overloads Milosh’s circuits and he becomes convinced that he is on a mission in his old life, chasing something infinitely important and yet completely undefinable across the fertile plains of his homeworld, Eberon. He charges out into the icy waste and disappears. After combat, Imoaza and Ruz wait for him for a while while helping to fix up the ship. But when he doesn’t return after an hour, they decide they need to go find him. What follows is definitely a side quest and was nothing I expected to happen this adventure, but it is a piece I love. All three of them become lost out in the snowy expanse of the glacier, trying to come up with ways to find their way and find each other. Like Milosh uses a scrying spell to try to find if anyone is around him. And Imoaza has a cool idea. A while back I mentioned she got a glimpse of the Weave, the magic that surrounds everything. So now she asks if she can try to find the Weave again and use it to trace Milosh’s passage. It’s such a fun idea, we run with it, and Imoaza rolls for Arcana, scoring a critical success! With this, the dice are telling the story for us: Imoaza not only taps into the Weave Sight but finds that she can see more than ever before! Around this time, Milosh casts his scrying spell, and to Imoaza it is like a siren going off in her Weave Sight. She tells Ruz and they head off towards Milosh’s location.

The crater Milosh found himself in was cut in half by a humongous Chasm. Milosh thought briefly of taking shelter there from the coming storm but almost immediately discarded the thought. Something about the chasm was uninviting. Or no, that wasn’t quite right. Uninviting means uncomfortable, the opposite of desirous. And a hole in the ground certainly fit that description. But the chasm went beyond this. Looking at it Milosh could almost see the chasm walls pulsing, like they were breathing, like he was staring down the gullet of a gigantic black beast. Milosh didn’t react without purpose to most things, yet staring into that void he shuddered involuntarily and took a step back.

The Crater does indeed hold a monster and it attacks just as Ruz and Imoaza find and reach Milosh. A mighty Remorhaz bursts free of the chasm and chases down the players, fully intending to swallow one of them to slowly digest as it returns to hibernation. Rather than fight it, Ruz casts fly on everyone and they boost out of there, Milosh firing a delayed fireball out of his gun-arm into the furnace like maw of the Remorhaz as they do... as the Remorhaz is immune to fire, it does nothing, except convince them they are making the right choice. This sets us up to run a crazy chase scene, the Remorhaz charging through the snow beneath them as they fly away, trying to not let the building storm knock them back into the awakened creature’s grasp.

They eventually lose it and make their way back to the ship, but one more thing happens before they set sail.

it looked like an abandoned battle site than a camp, Ruz could now see. She silently thanked Karina for the gift of the magical robes that seemed to keep her warm as she bent in the snow and ran a fur-gloved hand through the wreckage of bone and wood that she had found nestled into the shadow of the rock. She frowned as her hand bumped against something else, something made of leather. A bag... and inside, a journal? She picked it up. The pages had not gotten wet, thankfully, and so she teased open the frozen spine and began to read.

As they finally sail away from this glacier, the party spots an old campsite next to what looks like a fortress wall and decides to investigate. They find the remains of some kind of explorer’s party and Ruz finds a journal he does not share with the others. It belonged to a Changeling, someone who was being rescued from the Buer Hags who had stolen her. However, before the party could escape, they were found here in their final campsite and wiped out (or so Ruz can assume, for the journal ends with the words, “I can feel it in the air. My mothers are close.”)

While Ruz reads, Imoaza and Milosh examine the fortress wall. Imoaza finds strange runes all over it and before she can warn him, Milosh scales the wall and sees beyond it where a hole disappears into the earth. Imoaza’s Weave Sight shows her the runes lighting up and something awakening beyond the wall, just as Milosh hears the sobbing of babies coming from the hole and a scrabbling sound.

Terried, the three dart back to the ship and sail away.

Ready Player Two?

The players are ambushed. It starts with Kobolds, dropping boulders on their ship as it sails down a narrow avenue formed by two glaciers that will, over the course of decades, eventually touch each other. Imoaza flies up to the glacier lip to do battle and while up there, she is attacked by something far worse, a hideous long limbed humanoid which makes a cry like a wailing child as it leaps at her. Imoaza is taken.

This scenario was set up based on their action last time, which released something, or many somethings, that have been hunting them since. But it was also a necessity from a meta game perspective, as we have a session where Imoaza’s player won’t be joining us. So this removes her from the action while keeping suspension high.

I had intended this to be a quick scene, where the PCs realize they are outnumbered and have to abandon their ship to sail away on rowboats, as the boulders from the Kobolds are sinking their boat. Ruz actually does something incredibly clever: he uses a chromatic orb of cold to freeze the holes in the ship and asks if the ship can stay afloat long enough to get them out of there. I say yes... but then I also effectively cut this out as a possibility as three of the long limbed demon-like horrors drop down on the deck and start killing crew.

The result is the scene I intended: there are some nice moments of tension as Ruz and Milosh try to fight back while also freeing their rowboats (some cool uses of Telekineses to do this) and trying to save as many of the crew as possible from the horrid beasts. At the same time, it puts the players on rails more than I like to do. My general thoughts when DMing are not to overplan and not to try to force players into a specific scenario unless the story absolutely calls for it. Those times are RARE, and even then should be made as natural and organic as possible and STILL a DM should be ready for everything to change on them in an instant. Truly good games come from those unexpected changes, those twists and turns that the DM cannot anticipate and must follow to their conclusion. In this case, having the float still be a factor would not have been a detriment to the story and would have made the players feel empowered, which has always been my goal. But I miss it in the moment, and so they escape the ship and Milosh blows it up with a delayed fireball (kinda becoming his Megabuster Signature move).

Still, despite me missing this opportunity, other things arise because of it. The PCs pick up a few survivors out of the water, including the one-eyed, hook handed Captain, and set out into a lonely night broken by a sea of stars above them. And in this moment, Ruz and Milosh share a very cool, player directed, bonding moment. Ruz casts a psychic spell so they can speak without “speaking,” and maybe because of the quiet blackness, the rocking of the boat, their exhaustion, or the incredible otherworldly view of the stars, they transcend the physical plane and end up together in another space. Hear, Milosh sees Ruz’s true Changeling form and Ruz reveals what she is. She also reveals what she read in the journal and that she believes there is another Changeling out here on the ice, somewhere. The two speak of Imoaza and refuse to believe she is gone. They speak of their purpose and realize that both of them have lost a piece of their purpose. Milosh’s entire existence was devoted to the Surveyor, or in this case the next closest thing (Carrick, possessed of a piece of the Surveyor’s soul). With him gone, he now doggedly pursues the prophecy, trying to stop it from coming to fruition. But he does so without direction and without a thought to what might come after. Ruz, on the other hand, lost her entire history, displaced from a world she knew to a near eternity spent in Chaos. Now she has returned to find her city destroyed, her homeland under siege, and she has no one left to fight for except herself. Ruz says that no matter what, she will not be a sacrifice to this new Faerun she doesn’t know. She has sacrificed enough. She wants to find a family and live again. They both agree that their goals mean seeing this war through to its end, winning it, and then having the freedom to move on. Overwhelmed by Ruz’s candor, Milosh reveals his truth to her, as well: that he was taken from another world, aeons ago... so long ago he is not even sure that world exists anymore. He was placed in this cybernetic body by the Surveyor and told to pursue the prophecy. He does not know what future he would even want for himself, now.

Their discussion is interrupted by the captain, who tells them they are coming up on the iceberg they sought.

In Tyranny of Dragons, Oyaviggaton is the primary dungeon, an iceberg home to a white dragon who is dominating the Eskimo-esque villagers who reside on its floating lair. I’ve changed this scenario a little, making the Dragon a trio of witches and adding in some story-related pieces to the dungeon, as well as changing some of its challenges to match my level 16 and 17 (Milosh) characters. But the primary outline I’ve kept the same, and that ends up leading to some unexpected ire on the part of my players. See, in the original, the natives on the island are suspicious of the outsiders and stage a fight between them and their champion warrior, Orcaheart. They say it is to be a one-on-one fight with NO MAGIC... and then they cheat during the fight (the shaman, Bonecarver, heals Orcaheart). And if caught cheating, they turn this around on the players and attack them for daring to accuse their shaman. It’s a very hostile moment and it is definitely meant to conjure up the “hostile natives in a strange land” trope that is part of many pulp fiction works of yore. And despite it being anachronistic and unintentionally racist, it does touch on a style of storytelling that is so embedded in Western culture that I can’t help but be enamored with the moment. It’s problematically familiar.

That said, it also has a major design trap for the unwary DM. And tonite, I was that DM.

See, if the natives are under the thrall of an evil force, then the whole point is that the PCs should want to help them. Having the natives cheat and lie during what is supposed to be an honorable fight doesn’t enamor them to the PCs. In fact, it is liable to make players loathe them. This could potentially be circumvented by some really big clues as to what is going on behind the scenes or, even better, by making one of the natives a very obvious ally, who can then also explain what’s going on. The text even suggests this be Bonecarver... but that is hurt by the fact that they also make Bonecarver the one who cheats!

Had I thought about this ahead of time, I would have taken out the cheating entirely. It doesn’t add anything except more conflict, and this is already literally a head on brawl. You don’t need the extra bit. But I don’t think about it and the end result is a laughable amount of rage being directed at these already victimized natives. Milosh is the one to go up against the mighty Orcaheart and he almost wins... but the cheating means he gets knocked unconscious and when Ruz spots and points out the cheating by using magic of his own to strengthen his voice, the natives turn on him as an evil mage and knock him out, too.

Oh man, the players are pissed! They wake up inside the iceberg dungeon and, spotting three frog-like humanoids going through their belongings, immediately unleash hell upon one of them, smashing him to jelly against a wall. The others reveal they were sent by Bonecarver to help them proceed deeper into the iceberg and fight the witches. Then they hand them potions (a third is currently smashed against the wall) and flee for their lives.

The players make a pact to (a) stop the witches, and (b) burn the village to the ground.

Below the Berg

Now inside the Iceberg (and on a new session), it’s time to bring the party back together. Milosh and Ruze begin searching the dungeon and in the process come across a couple of trophy rooms: rooms where giant monsters and even an entire treasure galleon have been frozen by the power of the Bhuer Sisters. They also encounter more Kobolds, these ones carrying Imoaza, who has been frozen in a block of ice!

The players make quick work of the Kobolds (two turns) and go to work on freeing Imoaza with fire spells. When the block of ice is damaged enough, she comes back to her senses and breaks free with Blackrazor suddenly in her hand and a wild look in her eyes. Her two companions back away and try to talk sense into her. But Imoaza is seeing other people... Aldric is in front of her, accusing her of his murder and taunting her for getting trapped in a cold place... like the place he died. Imoaza reacts as she does to most opposition: disdainfully. And in her disdain, she finds her way back to the present. But Aldric’s voice will forever be taunting her, now. This is an indefinite madness, a leftover of her harrowing experience being ambushed by the Wendigo, the hideous creature with the cry like a child that captured her and brought her unconscious to the witches, who froze her for their keepsake. Aldric’s player (now playing Milosh) actually role plays this voice out when appropriate, basically bringing the voice of Aldric back into the game, even if Imoaza is the only one who can hear it.

The three, now reunited, set about exploring more of the iceberg. They find many interesting things here, which will be detailed in the next post: Still Frozen.

#dnd 5e #D&D #Dungeons & Dragons #Tyranny of Dragons #Forgotten Realms

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riverheadbooks · 7 years

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READER HOROSCOPES FOR AUGUST 2017

Placing bookmarks within the pages of destiny

LEO

Give us a birthday roar, Leo! Don’t be afraid of attracting a little attention -- this is YOUR month, and you’re already turning heads! Your vibe, aura, energy, whatever you want to call it -- it’s off the charts and you’re finding that people are increasingly attracted to your outgoing, vibrant spirit. Put that energy to good use to dive headfirst into those passion projects you’ve been toying with for the past few months! If birthdays are good for anything, they’re for reminding us of how far we’ve come, and how far we have yet to go. Reflect on what you’ve accomplished, and celebrate it! But don’t stop there. You’ve been granted another year, so isn’t it time to make the most of it? That said, the time has come to give yourself a little bit more care and attention. I know this doesn’t come easily to you; you tend to prefer to give rather than take, and feel more comfortable putting others before yourself. Admirable, to be sure, but there are times you need to listen to your intuition, make yourself a priority. You may find yourself in situations where a choice must be made: your happiness, or someone else’s? Draw your inspiration from your lucky book this month, an incredible tale of family ties, and the complications that arise when love is pitted against loyalty. When are our sacrifices worth it? Are some things more important than family, than love? When your allegiances are tested, what holds true? Ultimately, Leo, the choice is always up to you -- and you have another year of wisdom and experience under your belt. Draw from that, and then do your best not to look back.

LUCKY BOOK: Home Fire by Kamila Shamsie

VIRGO

It’s August, Virgo! Your birthday looms ever closer in the horizon, and you know what that means: time for some deep cleaning. What have you attracted in the past year that you know (perhaps only very deep down) it’s time to let go of? What has been dragging you down and stopping you from living your best life? Whatever those things are, this is your time to attack them with a bottle of your most high-powered cleaning spray and the coarsest washrag you own. You know better than anyone, Virgo, the freedom and joy in scrubbing at some hard-packed grit, and clearing it away to reveal the gleaming surface underneath. Half-hearted commitments, projects that have long soured, fake friendships -- these are all areas you can tackle! It can be very difficult, sometimes almost unbearably so, to let go of the old way of seeing or doing things, especially if you’ve become accustomed to certain negative ideas or people to the point that they feel like home, like normal. But that’s no reason to continue clinging to them once you’ve seen the light. The 14-year-old heroine of your lucky book this month learns this lesson in some of most harrowing ways, but her journey to freedom is one you won’t soon forget. Take heart, Virgo, and remember that you are ultimately the master of your own fate. You hold the power -- and the Windex!

LUCKY BOOK: My Absolute Darling by Gabriel Tallent

LIBRA

It’s August, Libra, and rather than succumb to the Sunday blues (it is the Sunday of the calendar year, after all), you’re continuing the summer fun at full throttle. Your current happy place is within a large crowd lately, and lucky for you, we’re still in the heart of music festival season. But there may be more to it than just posing for the street fashion photographers at Lollapalooza and AfroPunk: you genuinely enjoy the sheer excitement and co-mingling of ideas that bubbles from being among a group of creative individuals. Not only are your friends your lifeline this month, offering you constant emotional support and accompanying you on hilarious adventures you can only share on your private blog, but even the strangers you meet may spark some new avenues of creativity you’ve never explored. Follow this impulse to profit from the collective; keep seeking new activities and areas where you can expand. You’re drawing from the most ancient instinct of living things: the compulsion to not only grow, but to change. Each new experience and memory is helping you develop into the person you’re supposed to become, a person markedly different from who you were ten years ago, twenty minutes ago, six months ago. So is it any wonder that your lucky book this month is a fascinating study of the way we think about evolutionary biology? The most minute quirks of DNA mutation can influence an entire species for generations -- pathways that emerge from seemingly nowhere that take life to the completely unexpected places. Every action, every decision you make has an undeniable reverb effect that you may or may not ever discover, so come on, Libra. Let’s see what you’ve got up your sleeve next -- and don’t skimp on the silly group photos, either.

LUCKY BOOK: Improbable Destinies by Jonathan B. Losos

SCORPIO

“I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.” Wise words from the late great Notorious B.I.G., and your mantra for this month, Scorpio! You’re all about that paper in August: you’ve been working hard, building your network, taking professional risks, and now, getting ready to reap the rewards. What form it will take remains to be seen, so don’t count any unhatched chickens. But one thing is clear: your ambition is going to take you far. Perhaps even history books far. Who knows? But while your career continues to soar to meteoric heights, don’t forget about the people who helped you get there: your friends. Female friendships in particular are going to be crucial this month. After all, you can only work but so much, and an unfortunate side effect of putting in major hours at the office is missing out on some quality time with your chosen family. So whenever you can, be sure to make time for some much-needed gossip fests or movie marathons. You need a counterbalance to the stress of the job, and reveling in the love and appreciation of your besties is a surefire way to not lose your mind during this exciting, but admittedly draining time. And who better to draw comfort from, than your fiercest supporters? Of course, if you’re looking for another source of encouragement, maybe the more literary kind, your lucky book this month is a testament to what the human mind can achieve. Not only that, but the myriad effects that innovation that have on society as a whole. From artificial intelligence, to the barcode, to IKEA’s Billy bookcase, there is a backstory to every object you take for granted, and many of them will surprise you. So, Scorpio, now we have to know...what will your backstory be? How will you make your mark on history?

LUCKY BOOK: Fifty Inventions That Shaped the Modern Economy by Tim Harford

SAGITTARIUS

The road goes ever on and on, Sagittarius, and this is your month to experience it firsthand! That stirring you’ve been feeling to get out and explore? Now is when you give in. And let’s be clear: this doesn’t mean you should max out your credit card and fly to the opposite end of the globe, swathing yourself in scratchy fabrics and embarking on a life-threatening quest. It is completely up to you (and your budget) where to go, how to get there, what do to there, and how long to stay. Want to spend a weekend in Nantucket? Wonderful! Want to spend a month in your childhood home? Fantastic! Wherever you go, there you are, so use this time of separation from your usual to become even more in tune with yourself and any spiritual, mental, psychological scores you need to settle. Don’t underestimate the benefits of retreating from the typical trappings of your usual life; even if you don’t venture as far as you’d like to this time, take the time to sit still. Look around. Breathe. Say hello to a stranger. If your journey has taken you abroad, try to learn a few sentences in the local language. And most importantly, find a quiet place and comfy chair to disappear into your lucky book this month: the story of a young boy who has also left his home, but (hopefully) for very different reasons. Chased by dark forces, he is forced to travel across a hot, empty desert plain -- completely alone, until he encounters an old goatherd. Their paths thus intertwined, they must learn the rules of this harsh new country together. A thrilling vacation read, cautionary tale, humbling parable -- let this searing story be whatever you need it to be, while you bask in the unknown of your own brand new corner of the world.

LUCKY BOOK: Out in the Open by Jesús Carrasco

CAPRICORN

Is it warm in here, or is it just me? Oh, wait -- no, it’s just YOU. Cap, there’s really no other way to put it: you’re hot this month, and if no one has begun shooting you some furtive glances, they’re coming. This is your month for smooth seduction, and there’s absolutely no shame in that! Whether it’s an old flame or a new spark, the romantic interludes will be robust and who knows, may lead to something more. Keep your options open, and do yourself a favor? Save the spicy details for your journal. Active as your group text might be, you don’t need to share every encounter with four of your closest friends, not unless you enjoy the nonstop interrogation that is sure to follow! Sometimes keeping some secrets to yourself can make the most benign affair even more exciting, and after all, don’t you deserve some excitement? That said, Cap, don’t completely lose your head in the whirlwind of these new flings -- keep one eye on your finances, too! Finding a much lower bank balance than expected is a surefire way to bring an ecstatic high to a crashing low, so be proactive and maybe decline some of the more extravagant date invitations...unless the other party is treating, of course! Your lucky book this month is a mesmerizing account of a young girl’s mission to learn her mother and grandmother’s history -- a winding journey through truths and half-truths, memories of love, abandonment, betrayal, and new beginnings -- to, in turn, better understand herself. It’s a beautiful, moving testament to the fleeting nature of life, and the lessons we learn in youth that become invaluable to the generations to come. So go ahead, have some fun this month. Hit it while it’s hot.

LUCKY BOOK: I’m Supposed to Protect You from All This by Nadja Spiegelman

AQUARIUS

Aquarius, Aquarius, Aquarius. You’ve been living large and in charge all summer, and it looks incredibly good on you. It seems like you’ve got it all figured out: job, home, friendships, fitness -- you name it, you’ve conquered it. Well, okay, there’s one area that can use some development. You’ve been so focused on getting yourself in order over the past few weeks (or perhaps months!) that you’ve allowed your independence to push away a potential special someone. Maybe someone came to mind just now, maybe not. But this is the month to open up that part of your heart once more: even if you don’t feel ready to enter into anything serious, consider putting some time and effort towards building or re-building something a person who gets you. Sometimes you just need a person to keep you in check, to support your more wacky ideas, to hold your hands before you take major risk. Knowing that someone you care about always has your back can be incredibly freeing -- not necessarily limiting or confining, as you may have been led to believe. As long as the lines of communication are open, the cards are on the table, and you’re both open to each others’ needs, there is no reason that a healthy, successful life cannot include someone you can call a partner -- with as many or as few stipulations or boundaries as you both desire. Your lucky book this month is a spellbinding and unforgettable collection of short stories that will shed a brand new and sometimes discomfiting light on the nature of our relationships, whether romantic, familial, or otherwise. Sometimes entering a world gone slightly topsy-turvy can help us better appreciate our own -- and avoid the mistakes of the characters we come to know and love, even in the space of a few pages.

LUCKY BOOK: What It Means When a Man Falls from the Sky by Lesley Nneka Arimah

PISCES

Rise and shine, Pisces! This month, you’re feeling and looking fantastic -- muscles tightening, blood flowing, skin glowing! No more late nights squinting at your phone; you’re tucking in early to avoid being sluggish the next morning. Midday bag of chips? Not for you -- a brisk walk to get a fresh smoothie has become your new habit. Between your improved diet and consistent gym attendance, you’re right on track to achieve the sort of health goals you once found nearly impossible. And it’s a good thing too, considering how things have picked up at work! You need all your wits about you as you go through these hectic days and late nights, so keep up the good work. We do only get one body, after all, and it’s always in your best interests to keep it healthy and happy. And while we know work is pretty intense right now, you know what they saw about all work and no play, right? Even though it may seem wrong to inject some fun into such a go-go-go month, you need to let your hair down once in awhile and give yourself some time to relax and let loose. So that date you’ve been putting off? Just say yes! Enjoy the attention, show off all that exercise you’ve been doing! If you’re looking for some romantic ideas, might we suggest a homemade dinner date for two? You may be committed to new fit lifestyle, but that doesn’t mean all of your meals should be bland and oat-filled all the time. Your lucky book this month is sure to give you some delicious inspiration for some flavorful meals, as well as general tips and tricks for adding a special touch to your cooking, whether the recipe comes out of a book or not. Bon appetit!

LUCKY BOOK: The Art of Flavor by Daniel Patterson and Mandy Aftel

ARIES

Beautiful Aries! This month is YOUR TIME. Your confidence is through the roof right now -- or if it isn’t it should be! You’re turning heads left and right, friends and acquaintances alike are clamoring for your attention, and the dating prospects aren’t looking too shabby either! Basically, you’re totally owning it this month, and we couldn’t be more happy for you. As summer winds to a close, take full advantage of these final few weeks: enjoy a vacation day or two, bask in the sunshine, sip some frozé with a group of friends at noon. In other words, live!!! Enjoy it; life is fleeting anyway! Of course, a word of caution: no matter how amazing you look and feel, using the world as your red carpet can have its drawbacks. Keep a tight grip on your wallet, and be careful of what you post on social media. Money is not everlasting, but that regrettable photo from 4 AM absolutely is! Leave the tabloid-worthy blunders to the celebrities, and recognize when it’s time to leave the party. Speaking of, your lucky book this month will be right up your alley: a whip-smart, hilarious deep dive into the world of celebrity culture, what feeds our obsession, and what effect internet fame has on our culture at large. Walk like the street is your red carpet -- and then enjoy cozying up in bed with this book, comforted by the fact that there isn’t paparazzi just outside your door.

LUCKY BOOK: The Stars in Our Eyes by Julie Klam

TAURUS

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for being a homebody, Taurus. This month, you’re really into the warmth and comfort (or should we say air conditioning and comfort?) that comes from being safely ensconced at home, surrounded by your books, blankets, and favorite snacks. Maybe you’re finally get around to that deep cleaning you’ve been saying you’d undertake since the beginning of May, or there’s a room that’s just dying for a fresh coat of bright new paint. Or maybe the time has come to say farewell to your current place entirely, and try to find some digs. However you slice it, your priority this month is taking care of your sacred space, and reevaluating what the significance of that space means for you. It is a place of solitude and meditation, where you can escape the endless grind of the outside world? Is it a fortress for you and your closest loved one, where you can all be your unapologetic selves? Is it simply a place of refuge, where you can rest assured that in this tiny corner of the universe, you are safe, independent, and in control? You may find that you have much in common with the protagonist of your lucky book this month, a fiercely opinionated young woman who is on a quest to find a place she can rely on as home. Trapped in that infuriating liminal space between cultures, between countries, and does her best to carve for herself, everywhere she goes, a place that rests entirely under her control, a place where she can feel, even in miniature, that she is in a safe, familiar place. It’s a stunning tale that will put into sharp perspective one of the most pressing human rights issues of our time -- pick it up whenever you feel yourself getting a little bit too serious about paint swatches.

LUCKY BOOK: Refuge by Dina Nayeri

GEMINI

Gemini, what’s good? You haven’t had the best few weeks, but it’s a month, a new day, and life is going to have to come a little harder than that to keep you down. Luckily, this month you’re all about that extra support: partnerships and close friendships are where you’ll thrive, and it won’t feel too crowded, or like a betrayal of your own independence -- we promise. The key is to make sure the people you choose to surround yourself with add a special something that you wouldn’t be able to find elsewhere. Who makes you feel like your best self? Your most capable self? Your most ambitious self? Who lights that creative fire? Understand that while self-sufficiency is important, and your reliance on your own wisdom and wits is one of your best attributes, it can never hurt to solicit input and guidance from someone who can push you to aim even higher, and vice versa! So put yourself out there, be proactive. You can’t expect everything to come to you. Your lucky book this month is a short, trippy examination of race and class that follows a most unusual character in her quest for authenticity. Like you, she wonders who she really is, who she wants to be, and how -- or who -- can help her become that person? While you will undoubtedly avoid some of the more absurd situation she finds herself in, there is much to learn from her internal dialogue as she fumbles for ‘realness.’ Find your person (or people!), Gemini, but don’t lose sight of yourself in the process. You’re smarter and more resourceful than you know. Remember that!

LUCKY BOOK: New People by Danzy Senna

CANCER

Up and at'em, Cancer! You’ve had a leisurely summer, laying back and enjoying the ocean breeze, marathoning your summer shows and sampling mimosas at every brunch spot in town. We don’t begrudge you living the unbothered life to the fullest, but alas, it truly isn’t a party if it happens every night. And unfortunately, it’s time for the party to end -- for the time being. But you were sort of ready to kick it back into high gear anyway, weren’t you? You have a bit too much active energy to spend the rest of the summer whiling away the hours fruitlessly. This doesn’t mean you should throw all of your effort into the first opportunity that presents itself: be forward-thinking, but strategic. Know what you want, and then go after it. Get your feet wet at a few mixers and networking events so you can get some inside scoop on what’s for grabs, who to know, where to show up and show out. So go on, have at it! Dust off that resume, iron that button down. It’s time to start getting yourself back into the game. We understand that the transition back to the real world may be jarring, but you’re not a delicate flower; you can take a bit of unease and horror in your downtime literature. Your lucky book this month is a haunting short story collection that will raise the hair on your arms in the very best way. Both love story and cautionary way, it’s the absolute best selection for this month, when you need to be kept on your toes -- although we highly recommend not saving this one to read right before bed.

LUCKY BOOK: Fever Dream by Samanta Schweblin

#riverhead #riverhead books #horoscope #reader horoscope #readerscope #astrology #zodiac #leo #leo season #august horoscope #books #book recs #summer reads #fiction #nonfiction #memoir

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breebeelee · 4 years

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Into The Black

I am sporting ribbons in my hair. Today is my birthday and there are gives hidden with paper I cannot wait to unwrap with trembling arms Custom Made Jewellery

Children going for walks around and screaming, kicking the legs of their chairs beneath the dining room desk that is included with the birthday unfold. Death by cakes that is the fee. I can taste it in my mouth, evaluation it in my head, and feel all of it sinister suspiciously in my blood. It is all coming returned to me now. My mother, is she sad or glowering at my father throughout the room? Is he sad or the photograph of health? I even have eyes which can see. Can't the eyes of a child see the whole lot? The butterflies are so quite. I cannot endure to tear thru the wrapping. It's a belt however I smile. It's a tough smile. I don't care what Anita says despite the fact that Anita is my best buddy however I even have known Lynne longer due to the fact her dad and mom are buddies with mine. My dad and mom have always taught me that it's far the idea that counts. I stare on the flowers. I am sharing everything with Eve, my sister. Today is her birthday additionally. On my fifth birthday my aunt, my mother's sister performed host while my mother turned into in labour on the Livingstone with Eve. Everything in view that adolescence has been down the road or a few minutes' stroll or an artwork not to fail or reap, acquire, acquire, church, beginning, excessive school, the park. There are different kids right here that I do not know. I do not talk to them. They are eating my cake. My mother is speakme to them, asking approximately which college they visit, what grade they may be in. She is sporting a red dress with spaghetti-skinny straps and sandals with heels. The get dressed has white polka dots on. She is lots more animated with them than she is with me. She is smiling and giggling, asking them, those strangers in their celebration clothes who are parading across my mother's garden, oh-so-serious with their dark hair in lengthy plaits if they are having a pleasant time, in the event that they would like some thing greater to devour or to drink. If best she could pay attention to me. Everything approximately these days is simply too brilliant, harsh, grating, running on my nerves. The sun for example, a girl's laughter (who's older than me), the strength from all the traffic inside the residence, the road for dessert. My mother has the brightness of suns. Her hair flows around her face, her fragrance in a cloud and as her foot hits the sandal it makes a squelching, sucking sound. I am free to do what I need. So I select to be on my own. This is my day. Everyone else that I do no longer move to highschool with or play with within the afternoon are my mother's visitors however all of the ladies appeared to have paired up with every other. They stand at the garden looking bored, looking me the birthday lady and whispering secrets to every different. My sister, Eve is still too small to play or to understand what the day truely means.

The boys are playing a difficult and tumble game of conceal-and-seek. Then it's time for the ice cream. The adults are going to play a video, some thing appropriate for the more youthful generation, a cool animated film. I can in no way recollect what happens to my father while all this 'playing' goes on. There are by no means uncles at my birthday. My mother isn't always in the kitchen with aunts and older cousins arranging pies, finger meals for a small army of neighbourhood youngsters or pouring wine in glasses for the adults mingling around the residence. The uncles only come to drop their children off and then they're on their way again in their bright motors pressing a creased word or a silver coin into my hand and kissing or rubbing the top of my head. I normally consume too much until my belly hurts however there is the video. It is Looney Tunes, my favored. I look around for my mother however she's not there. Eve is sitting too close to the tv. I recognize that if I touch her, the golden infant, she will be able to yell and my mother would likely come walking to peer what is inaccurate and take me out in the front of anyone. I feel lost and already I feel as if it is being stored up for a time while it will be of use, useful not to me but to other people.

Fifteen candles. There is not anything wonderful approximately teenagers, growing older, feeling misplaced, unaccomplished and insecure. It simply hurts, it hurts, it hurts. There is most effective the dreaming, the imaginative and prescient of escaping into marriage and having youngsters that sticks. I am on that road of a poet who writes of madness and illness, the beauty, the sweat of other people's lives. You wouldn't like me if you truely knew me, knew who I become under lock and key, at the back of closed doorways, poison flowing thru my veins, stress and strain touching the fragile core of me. The trophy doesn't sense, look real to me. But it's miles mine for a whole day and night time earlier than I ought to return it. My call could be on it subsequent yr. For the primary time in my lifestyles I sense the heart beat of these two phrases put together, innovative writing. I am set on another direction, assembly Fugard, reading English novelists inside the library in the course of a wreck within the college day, prevailing a position inside the house play however in all that rush it is nevertheless pretty in no way sufficient. I am programming Adam, my brother. He needs to be organized for conflict. We can hear them at night time in their bedroom in the back of the closed door. Maybe we'd had been higher off pretending that they had been moving furniture round at night instead of fighting, gloves off, some thing is going, bitterness flying via the air observed by way of mock defeat, tantrum after tantrum, hysterics and the glowing seed of insanity. I'm no longer going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I'm now not going to cry. This is what I write approximately in an essay for college. I live up the whole night into the early hours of the morning writing it because I even have left it for the last minute. I write about the holocaust. A younger wife looking for her husband at a train station. It is distinct now from the beginning of the war whilst people had been being transported like farm animals, animals. These are survivors and she, the girl, the protagonist of my tale, is searching out a member of the family or members. She imagines that he is nonetheless alive after Auschwitz and Bergen-Belsen. She is mad with grief. She is mad. But she believes due to the fact she has survived then so must he. I do not know a way to stop the tale. In the end I decide on finishing it with a flashback to the residence they first lived in when they had been married and the roses she grew behind the residence. Living via the inner, warped conflict of ache is simpler to bear if you have examine testimonies of pain and mental suffering in books or the newspaper or watched tv. I failed to call it 'lady suffering' then. I didn't understand what to name it. It changed into simply surrounded overwhelmingly with disbelief and a fog that for the maximum part became more than brief and a pronouncing that I chanted over and over once more interior my head, giving it sufficient room to breath, to exist. No body can hurt as a lot as I do. There are some elements of me which are damaged. My heart, my own family, my father and the pieces that are broken are lost for all time. Worst of all, people make a habit of forgetting the best components. They are irretrievable and dark. But at the screen in front of me I can piece them lower back together once more. They fit nicely. For a while they, despite the fact that the words may seem peculiar, they stay placed after which I say a good way to do. It gives me a sort of therapeutic pleasure. The contrary of truth is calling at the theory of it all blindly and searching at the theory of all of it appears like going for walks backwards. The idea of husbands and other halves breaking up and then getting lower back collectively again, going over that is the clean part. They attain a milestone in their relationship, some sought of agreement or consensus and whilst sooner or later one reaches out to the opposite that spells the quit for separation or divorce. But for the kids as opposed to mountaineering hills merrily like other kids their age, they'll need to face mountains, climb the treacherous height to get back to the start. They may also ought to abandon the sides they select however there has been no person to explain this to us, me, Eve and Adam while we had been developing up. We didn't care. We made our personal amusing. We placed on plays. We had been each different's consistent partners. We were glad. But the mechanism that stored our own family together turned into going haywire. Our mother became a jumble of nerves. Our father, our hero and king was no longer the intense force in our lives that he as soon as turned into. At night time their bed room door stayed close and we could not even start to imagine the personal torment and hell that he became going thru.

The metropolis reminds me of the sadness that I felt seeing that I changed into a infant. The Outsider, the loneliness, the ghost, the fantastic rat catcher but that infant is long past and in her place is a citizen of the arena, a girl who needs to experience, to hear phrases of know-how. A citizen who turned into taught that in anyone's life each moment of change is marked extremely with the aid of pain, by a dream, via a remote intention. The pages of my new journal are still sparkling and new. I look at them knowing that quickly words will fill the pages, swim boldly, pass in which I even have no longer gone earlier than. Soon there may be words so that it will cauterise the web page, leaving my head blank where it was once it turned into crammed. There laid capacity.

I actually have visible this in film, mental illness, the repercussions of hell, suffering and inside the madness of guys they're the creative thinkers, philosophers, called brilliant and genius, afflicted in an unforgiving global. Those are the 'elite' names given to guys. Did I need greater clarification than that for the chronic mess I commonly found myself in? But I never knew the correct second when I felt specific or moved in a different way or articulated some thing with extra bravado than I knew I had. But human beings that I knew and now and again that I turned into close to knew that I become special and wasn't afraid to tell me so. Most times they made a comic story of it. I am positive possibly they did now not imply to sound merciless, unkind or like a bully on a school playground but that is how I interpreted it. It nonetheless makes me apprehensive once I meet new human beings. When I have to make verbal exchange I constantly need someone to keep me from myself. Do I howl after I snicker or giggle with derision? Everything feels like the opposite of sublime, as if ants have were given into the sandwiches in the picnic basket, as though I am covered in blood and those are staring. Female suffering isn't the same as a person's rage and despair. They need to present their kids what they did now not have. They want to give their kids what they longed for and wanted for, what they preferred as kids and younger women earlier than they have become ladies and a photo, from time to time a replicate photo of their personal moms. If a man is violent, a female is emotional and sensitive. She has her personal needs. For me to jot down became enough and for my mother it appeared that children and a massive, spacious residence to elevate a circle of relatives in was enough. But my father was now not a violent guy, a heavy drinker, a smoker, brutal closer to my mother and me and my siblings. He changed into warm, soft and cuddly like a teddy undergo. He had brown eyes and made us all sense safe when we have been developing up. He rested lots. When he got here domestic from college (he was a most important at a high faculty), I might watch him sleep from the entrance continually expecting him for him to awaken and seize sight of me and I might look ahead to him to include me. I would never catch him embracing my mother because she hated public shows of affection. Not in front of the children, I ought to imagine she likely hissed underneath her breath so often, too many for my father to rely until he stopped doing it. At night my father could paintings on his doctoral thesis in his examine. We had been no longer to play close to the closed door or disturb him. You can not imagine all the problems I have had to go through, the ghosts I have to placed up with and the order and normalcy and simplicity I crave. What does snow experience, taste like? Like any moist, bloodless factor, like rain? The dogs are barking. They are going mad in the distance. There is some thing in his voice that annoys me, irritates me so I flip the tv off. It have to live off. I am stressed so I do what I recognize so properly. I study. How some distance is it to the next hour? Why the overexposed, the demanding situations, mercies, points of departure, the roast fowl, vegetable soup welcoming me home? It is the lifeless of wintry weather that I need; that I left in the back of in Johannesburg. It became the winter that toughened me up. Cold turning in the air, preserving nevertheless within the middle of traffic dealing with off for his or her line of assault of the destitute huddled over fires beneath the highways and bridges and squatter camps wherein there are no wet leaves and butterflies.

My sister appeared so bloodless and indifferent, aloof; she appeared to want to distance herself from us, the rest of the family as if she was made of brighter, more difficult, weightier stuff than the relaxation of us, as though it wasn't in her bloodline and the ladder of her genes to fail. We have been vulnerable, she was a saint. My truth for the higher part of the day and once in a while the night time changed into borderline, as though I changed into part of a tribe of people that point forgot in blue interiors. Swimming in a pool of blue; as if the blue had the equal consistency as ink in my eyes, the blue skin of the swimming pool in opposition to my pores and skin and of path, the pale blue school floating overhead like a ghost in a gadget. Only here I felt secure among different schoolchildren and moms, swimming instructors, lifesavers and fathers. Nobody may want to inform I become exceptional. I turned into a anonymous citizen. My limbs sank into the cool water as if I was sinking into hollows of heat sand. Home became a warm mess. Only in water may want to I escape from that fuss. Forget my brother turned into locked in rehab, neglect my sister in no way phoned to talk to me, forget about that no one ever phoned. That is what the writer works with - interiors, the darkish and the lightest components of it, the architecture of the adolescence, items round the author running manners.

Away from the stresses of and from the distinctive paths and roads I even have taken, best I had get entry to to the museum I had built up of all of the negativity I had linked with and collected over my existence experience. I desire it'd be easier to provide an explanation for matters every so often. This is what my mother does when she alternatives up a brush. A hairbrush, a toothbrush to put her 'different-face' on when she's off to church, a workshop at her church, to do service on the medical institution, whilst she pushes off to a church meeting after which all at once the affection of God rises up in her whilst she dims her candy delight, the rising panic and anxiety in the emotional screech of her hysterics as she makes waves all round us.

She walks out together with her heels clicking, glamorous and shiny, a neatly dressed Christian female, her hair falling in darkish brown curls round her face.

Everything approximately her is smooth, her clothes sticking to her discern, the flame of crimson on her cheeks, smelling like powder and heady scent, freshly washed blow-dried hair. Everything approximately me is difficult, hardened by means of spent strength, by means of wasted time, by using doing nothing, via sleep, by engaging my mind and by asking myself, 'If my mother simply cherished me, why could she say the ones things? Does she hate daddy? Is God punishing me, us, the circle of relatives and why?' This is reminiscence and bitterness at paintings within the taking walks wounded.

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339: Healing Trauma, Releasing Shame, Finding Joy & Becoming a Super Attractor With Gabrielle Bernstein

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339: Healing Trauma, Releasing Shame, Finding Joy & Becoming a Super Attractor With Gabrielle Bernstein

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

This podcast is brought to you by Wellnesse, a new company I co-founded to bring the best personal care products from my family to yours. Our whitening toothpaste is based on my DIY formula that I have been making and perfecting for over a decade. Now, after almost 100 rounds of tweaking the formula and thousands of positive reviews, I could not be more proud to share this with your family. Have you ever read a tube of normal toothpaste? I did when my older kids were little, and I found a warning that said, “Warning, keep away from children. Do not swallow. If ingested contact Poison Control or seek medical attention immediately.” That seemed a little extreme for something that I was putting in my mouth and my children’s mouth multiple times a day. And I didn’t want my kids using something that often that I would need to call a poison control center if they accidentally swallowed. I set out to create a truly safe and effective alternative. And the Wellnesse Whitening toothpaste is just that. It’s designed to support the oral microbiome and the natural process of saliva and teeth so that teeth can stay white and strong. This dentist approved formula is safe for the whole family and will leave your teeth shiny and your breath fresh. You can check out our toothpaste and our completely natural hair food hair care products at wellnesse.com. An insider tip, if you grab an essentials bundle or try autoship, you will lock in a discount so that you can try everything at a great price.

This podcast is sponsored by Jigsaw Health, my source for magnesium. You probably know, if you’ve read my blog, that magnesium is responsible for over 300 biochemical reactions in the body. It impacts blood pressure, metabolism, immune function, and many other aspects of health, including hormones. It’s known as the master mineral and it’s one of the few supplements I take regularly. And I have found a specific way to take it that works best for me in very specific forms because if magnesium is taken in the wrong way it can lead to digestive upset or if it’s taken too quickly it can cause all kinds of problems. So, I take two supplements. One called MagSRT which is a slow release form of the dimagnesium malate. The slow release technology makes it easier on the digestive system. So I don’t get any of the digestive disturbance that comes with some forms of magnesium. I take this form in the morning and at lunch. So, two capsules with breakfast, two capsules with lunch. And at night, I take a different product MagSoothe, which is magnesium glycinate which is magnesium bound with the amino acid glycine to help sleep. And in combination, I noticed the biggest effect from those two particular products. You can check them both out and save by going to jigsawhealth.com/wellnessmama. And the code wellness10 will give you $10 off any order.

Katie: Hello, and welcome to the Wellness Mama podcast. I’m Katie, from wellnessmama.com, and now, wellnesse.com, that’s wellness with an ‘e’ on the end, which is our new line of personal care products, like hair care, toothpaste, and hand sanitizer, that are not just safe and natural, but work better than their chemical counterparts.

This episode, I’m really excited to share with you today, because it’s all about healing trauma, releasing shame, finding joy, and becoming a super attractor. I’m here with Gabrielle Bernstein, who is the number one New York Times best-selling author of books like “The Universe has Your Back,” and “Super Attractor,” her newest book, which launched last year. She’s been featured on everything from Oprah’s SuperSoul Sunday to almost every TV show, the Dr. Oz show, all kinds of networks, and she co-hosted the Guinness world record largest guided meditation, along with Deepak Chopra.

The reason I wanted to have her on is that she also has trauma in her past, and has recovered and then let her recovery become a path to helping other people. And since trauma recovery has been a big part of my story these last couple of years, I’ve gotten many, many questions about it, and I don’t consider myself qualified as an expert in mental health or trauma recovery, but I’m trying to connect you guys with more people who are a good resource for that, and I think Gabby has a lot of great resources, and I’m very excited to share her, and share those resources with you today. Gabby, welcome. Thank you so much for being here.

Gabby: I’m so happy to be with you.

Katie: It is such an honor to finally get to chat with you. I’ve read several of your books and I’ve known of your work for a really long time. And the last two years for me have been a journey through healing from trauma and kind of recovery that led to like a dramatic 80 pound weight loss and just completely changed my life. And since I’ve shared my story, so many people have come with questions of how did you work through this and where do you start? And I have similar trauma or a similar story. Where do I even begin? And I think you’re just such an amazing voice for this, that I knew I had to have you on to talk. And if you don’t mind, I would love to hear a little bit of your story as we start because you also have a really incredible story of recovery and healing.

Gabby: Well, first of all, I want to honor you because anyone who is brave enough to face trauma is a warrior. Truly. It’s, uh, it’s something that I think often people are too terrified to face, which is why so many people become addicted or why they become, it’s all the reasons why we run. So when we do become brave enough to even listen to a podcast with this topic, that’s a big deal. So whoever’s listening right now, God bless you and to you, I just want to really bow to you for your bravery because I’ve been through it myself and I really am going to say that’s what I’m most proud of about myself today is my bravery and my willingness to go to the places that scare me so that I could come out the other side so we can start there.

I’ve been a spiritual teacher for 15 years, but prior to that I was quite the opposite. In my early twenties, I was running a nightlife PR company. And I was running, running, running, running from something I was unaware of. I didn’t know what I was running from, but I was severely anxious all the time. I had a severe codependency addiction, constantly in and out of relationships that didn’t serve me. And I ultimately became quite addicted to cocaine and alcohol, but primarily to cocaine, which if anyone, unfortunately, had the unfortunate experience of being addicted to cocaine, you know, it’s a very, very dark drug, but at the same time, it’s a drug that takes you down. So I was quite blessed by the age of 25 to be really on my knees ready to change because it was life or death for me.

And there was a voice within me in the deepest throes of my addiction that knew I was running from something but didn’t know what it was. There was a voice within me that wanted more. I had stacks of self-help books next to my bed. I would constantly read through them and journal and seek. I was seeking, seeking, seeking, all the while using. But by the grace of God, at age 25, I made the decision to get clean and sober and I made that commitment, not just to myself, but ultimately to the world in a big way. My decision to get sober was the catalyst for my own personal growth, but also my spiritual awakening, which then led me to become a self-proclaimed spirit junkie, the author of now eight spiritual self-help books and most importantly, a shame-shifter.

Somebody who really made the commitment to, to live with vulnerability and authenticity so that I could take away the shame of addiction and trauma and be a voice for recovery. My recovery began with my sobriety, but it continued far beyond that. My sober recovery was one step, but then I kept running. I was running for many, many years through workaholism and finally I really hit another bottom with that to only crack into a memory of childhood trauma. So, in 2016, I had a dream of being sexually abused as a child and then being an adult confronting it. When I woke up, I thought to myself, hell no, I am not going to touch that. I am not ever speaking of that. I’m not going anywhere with that. Then I was in a therapy session days later to be prompted to remember it fully. Not completely, but to accept the remembrance of that moment. When we’re children and we have these types of traumas, we can dissociate from them, which was the case for me. But as soon as I accepted my experience as a child, I realized that’s why I use drugs and alcohol. That’s why I’ve been a workaholic. That’s why I have anxiety attacks. That’s why I have chronic pain. That’s why, that’s why, that’s why, and that conversation, that’s why I went on you know, I could go on for hours of all the “that’s why’s.” TMJ, sleep issues, everything. So since 2016 I’ve been on an extremely devoted journey of healing from that traumatic remembrance and from the traumas of my history. Uh, and most recently I’m still in trauma recovery. I’m 16 months postpartum and when I had my child, about four months after I gave birth, I was blessed with postpartum depression.

I say blessed because it deepened my personal growth journey once again. Whenever we hit these bottoms, we’re led to more. So the trauma healing has become even more grounded. And even more freedom has come from having been to the darkest moment of my life, which was the postpartum depression. So that’s a very sort of, a quick way of saying this has been a long journey of recovery, but I want to really acknowledge that throughout this journey of recovery, I have accepted fully and completely, but every single experience I’ve had has been exactly as it’s needed to be so that I could become the woman that I am today. And so that I could face those places within me that scared me. So that I could live to tell what freedom really looks like and help guide people spiritually and through psychological practices and methods that I have garnered over the years to really help others become free and to know what mental illness is and to know what trauma feels like and looks like. And to know what addiction is from a very vulnerable and authentic place is what has allowed me to, in many cases, help people save their own lives. So I’m grateful for all of it.

Katie: I love that. And I’m so, I love that you brought up the term “shame” and that term “shame-shifter,” which is so perfect because I think for women especially, they certainly… Way too many women have been through some form of trauma and we hear the awful statistics about that. But then there’s all these other layers that come after it. I feel like the shame and the shame attached to things like mental illness or postpartum depression or miscarriage or like there’s all these aspects of like a female existence, there’s just so much shame attached to. And I know like that was kind of a long process for me unraveling and trying to take all those layers of shame and guilt and all of the emotions that came with that often. And even realizing like, you, I’m very driven and I’ve felt like that’s been an advantage to me in life. And so I worried if I work through this, am I going to lose my edge? Am I going to stop being driven? Am I going to stop being as productive? And it’s just, there’s so many layers, so I’d love to go a little deeper on, for women especially, but anyone listening, how can we start shifting from that shame to stepping more into vulnerability and into the lessons of that and like to you, now having gratitude for that?

Gabby: Oh yeah. Well, first of all, I just wanted to speak to you directly in terms of, you know, am I going to lose my edge? You know, I think that drive that traumatized people have is actually, you’re driven by fear. So yes, sometimes traumatized people can become immobilized and do nothing. And then folks like you and I can fight, flight, freeze. We were in flight, right? And in that flight state, you can sometimes be very overly productive because it’s another form of running. So I just wanted to acknowledge that and as you’re still in your recovery and you’re in this, this beautiful journey that, sorry, I don’t mean to be like coaching you right now, but I just, I just heard that and I wanted to respond to it ,that you won’t lose your edge, that you will lose the edges and it will become a much more fluid way of creating and you’ll be able to do less and attract more. So I just want to really be a voice of hope for you and I imagine that you’re already on that path. As it relates to shame, so many people don’t even recognize their shame, not speaking for myself. I was a year into my recovery, my trauma recovery. It was a year since I had remembered this trauma and we did a workshop that I was leading and there was another teacher co-leading it with me and I sat in on her program and in her program she did a whole bit on shame. And I sat there in that room for the first time, after having, at that point, probably a decade of personal and spiritual growth, and a decade of teaching and writing behind me.

And in that moment was when I really looked at myself and said, Holy shit, this is all about shame. I am carrying the shame of the abuser. I’m carrying the shame of being abused. I’m carrying the shame of being an addict. I’m carrying the shame of not feeling good enough and carrying the shame of being unworthy. I’m carrying the shame of all the wreckage from my past I’m carrying…but mostly I’m carrying the shame of being a child who was neglected and felt unlovable. Because when we have moments in our childhood that dissociate us from, that separate us from the God within us, from the love within us, the story that’s built up around us is that I am unlovable and I am unworthy. And being in that place of feeling unlovable is a very shameful place for a child to be. So the person, the child, will do anything they can to avoid that feeling. And that becomes a lifetime of avoiding that feeling. That was the experience I had. So having a recognition of my shame, which came a decade into my career was a really big turning point for me.

Katie: Yeah, I think that’s really profound and it seems like many people, I mean, I would guess the vast majority make it to adulthood with some version of that kind of filter in their head of “I’m not lovable or I’m not worthy.” Or for me it was, I’m not good enough. And I was always a striving to be, to prove myself good enough and I don’t know if it was the same for you, but like you mentioned gratitude. I had to realize kind of now at this point in my journey looking back, I could be grateful for the lessons and the things that I had learned as a result of the trauma and still not have to hold onto the shame and not have to hold onto the pain. But there was like a fear in releasing that at the beginning because I felt like those things kept me safe for a long time and I had to acknowledge like these mental filters I had kept me safe. They protected me for a long time. Or even the physical weight kind of was a shield that I used to protect myself for a long time and now I can let it go, but that doesn’t mean I have to lose the lesson. And in fact, like you said, I loved that, that was a perfect line. You don’t lose your edge, but you soften your edges. That’s such a perfect reframe of that. And, and you’re right, I think it’s like we also are a constant journey of that. I thought I had dealt with pretty much all of it and I was feeling in this great place. And then with the lockdowns and quarantine, the first week I was like viscerally angry and I didn’t want to eat anything and I was working out nonstop and I just like felt like I wanted to get in a fight and I couldn’t figure out what it was at first.

And eventually talking through it with a therapist, I realized because of my trauma I had resolved, I would never feel helpless again. So I had put all these systems in place so that I never felt helpless. I could always be in control. And then this big thing happened that I had no control over and that helplessness came raring back. And so I had to face it once again. But in a sense it was also a beautiful opportunity because I was able to acknowledge that and work through it and kind of face an aspect that I thought I had already dealt with. And it’s, I love your perspective and you’ve mentioned that it’s in many of your books about finding the gratitude and finding the lessons and being grateful in all of that. I think you just, you frame it so beautifully.

Gabby: Well first, Katie, I want to just to acknowledge that you are not alone in that, that first week of coronavirus re-traumatization. So first of all, I mean, I was right there with you. Rage was my number one emotion. But the world right now is in a pre-traumatized state and particularly people who are folks who do have deeper traumatic wounds are very kicked up, very activated. And for anyone out there who doesn’t have the right resources or the right therapeutic guidance or even psychiatric guidance, if that’s what’s necessary, you may feel as though you’re so activated at this time because the deep root desire of a traumatized person is to feel in control. That’s my belief because we’ve been experienced an experience that has been so out of our control that we will do whatever we can to stay in control in order to feel safe and that was what you were saying about I will never be helpless again. That’s another form of saying I will never be out of control again. So when a pandemic hits and our control is taken from us, we can no longer safely walk to the grocery store and walk in with our child or we can no longer send our kids to school or whatever the ways that we’ve created a life that felt seemingly safe are taken from us. The traumatic events from our history are going to be extremely activated. And that’s for anyone, whether you have severe trauma or not, that we are all going through a pre-traumatized state and I say pre-traumatized because we can work through it now so that we don’t come out with PTSD. Or honestly I’m going to be a, I’m going to be writing books for a very long time and there will be guidance for us when we do come out of this and there will be a lot of PTSD and there’ll be support then.

So I just want to just also acknowledge anyone that’s listening right now is in some way open to personal growth at this time. So it’s taking this experience that we’re going through right now where we are absolutely activated, absolutely re-traumatized and retriggered feeling completely out of control, which is the biggest fear of a person who has any kind of history of trauma. And even those of you who don’t remember or don’t recognize it, the feeling of out of control is very, very severe. And that’s when we can really begin to rely on a spiritual foundation. That’s when we can rely on a prayer practice, a meditation practice, and even therapeutic practices for grounding ourselves in regulating our own nervous system. Because when we are in a triggered state, our cortisol levels are shot through the roof, which then creates inflammation in our body, which makes our gastrointestinal tract really malfunction, which makes our physical pain get exacerbated, which makes our relationships out of whack and ultimately puts us into a vibrational stance that’s very frantic.

And in that place we can’t attract the, the opportunities, the abundance, the connections, the support that we need right now. So this is a time right now for learning how to self-regulate. Frankly, it’s always been a time for learning how to self-regulate, but now more than ever, and so we can talk about that a bit. I’m happy to give some tools on this podcast as well. But I will answer your question or speak to the concept of gratitude because what we can be most grateful for right now in the midst of this pandemic is, that we can be grateful for being given the opportunity to choose a different path. Right now we can go through this numb and dissociate or we can wake up. We can wake up to a path of personal growth, a path of spiritual development, a path of a different way of perceiving the world, a way of seeing the world through the lens of love, seeing more oneness seen through the lens of compassion, feeling more connected, feeling awakened to a spiritual relationship. That’s an opportunity that I’m grateful for.

Katie: I love that. And I would love to go into the idea of how to self-regulate a little bit more because that’s been very top of mind for me. And I also find myself saying that to my kids quite a bit right now cause I think even older kids are having some of these similar experiences in trying to navigate this sort of out of control feeling and all the uncertainty. And I love the quote from Viktor Frankel that says “between stimulus and response, there’s a space. And in that space is our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and our freedoms.” And I think you’re right, like we are in, if we look at it this way, we’re in a very unique opportunity of growth right now and almost like, I heard someone refer to it as a cocoon of sorts.

Like we are in this tough time, but we have the option to transform through it and to emerge better on the other side. So I’d love to hear the tips you have for how do you self-regulate, especially for all the other parents listening who maybe are overwhelmed right now and have kids at home and are navigating a new reality.

Gabby: These are tools that I want every mom or dad or person, human being listening to master. And as you master these methods, you then can give them to your children because they’re tools that you could give to a child that would change the course of their life. It’s ultimately a resilient child. As a child who knows how to self-regulate. And these are tools that most of us were never gifted as children, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. So I’ll get into the kid part first, but let’s first put our own oxygen mask on and take care of ourselves as the parents or as the adults. So one really beautiful empowering method that I use all throughout the day is a hold. It’s a heart hold where you place your left hand on your heart and your right hand on your belly. And on the inhale you extend your diaphragm. You let your diaphragm really just move out and extend, on the exhale you relax your diaphragm, you inhale out and you can close your eyes while we do this. And exhale and release.

Inhale out, exhale and release, inhale out and exhale and release. And on the inhale and the exhale, you can now begin to say to yourself, and I’ll say first, but you can say to yourself, silently, I am safe. I am safe, I am safe, I am safe, I am safe, I am safe. Just take a deep breath in and hold that feeling of safety and on the exhale, just let it go. That simple practice practiced in about a minute can regulate your energy. What it’s doing is the breath is actually sending oxygen to your brain, stimulating your vagus nerve, which is going to regulate… It’s the nerve that regulates your entire nervous system, relaxes your gastrointestinal system. It will just get you back to a state of peace and then keep going. If it feels good, go for more. You can do it in the moment.

You can do it in the bath. You can do it when you wake up in the morning and you’re lying in bed. You can do it when you wake up in the middle of the night and you need to fall back asleep. Just hold and say, I am safe. If I am safe, doesn’t resonate with you. You can say, I am taken care of, I am supported, I am loved. Whatever affirmation makes you feel comfortable. It makes you feel grounded. And again, I’d love to share this, you know, for people to share this with their children. The most important thing that we can be doing right now for self-regulation also is really releasing our rage because I think that that pent up rage is what causes so much of the reactivity in our life. And this is really taking from the work of Dr. John Sarno who wrote books like Healing Back Pain and The Mindbody Prescription and his whole belief system is that chronic pain is the direct result of impermissible rage.

So right now we are, are definitely being activated and in that activation, this rage that’s just been brewing within us for decades is busting out. So one thing you can do is just go for a walk and scream it out. You can really literally just scream it out into the woods if it’s possible, a method that I’ve been practicing that my friend Nicole Sachs had taught me what she called a journal speak. I call it rage on the page. I raged for 20 minutes in my journal. This is a method she gave me over about a month ago. And I was like, this has changed my life. Twenty minutes of raging on the page in the journal and then 20 minutes of meditation. And what I added to that was actually binaural music or bilateral music from Spotify where I just listened to this bilateral music, which stimulates both sides of the brain and really calms that lower part of the brain so that you can then be in more of your resource brain and balance out your emotions. So that’s 20 minutes of writing all the rage on the page while you’re listening to this bilateral music. And it’s stimulating both sides of the brain, which is when the music comes in one ear and then comes in the other and then really meditating to that music for about another 20 minutes. Now, if you don’t have 40 minutes, my child’s sleeping for three hours in middle of the day, you have six children. So you do not have 40 minutes, do it for 10 minutes, whatever you can do.

Katie: I love that and I think people maybe often underestimate how just saying those same things to ourselves can have such a dramatic impact. And I definitely discounted that for a really long time before I actually tried it myself. When you talk about rage, that really resonates because after my trauma in high school, I shut down my emotions, I remember consciously doing it. Like I will not feel again, so I will not be hurt again. And I didn’t raise my voice. I didn’t experience anger that I knew of for 16 years until I actually did that. I kind of went through this almost like rage therapy and when that finally like broke back open and I was able to feel it was like this, you know, decades of emotion came flooding out. I did a similar thing with tapping and the person I was working with, she had me say, you know, even though I am experiencing whatever it was right now, I love and accept myself and I love and accept myself as I now choose.

And then whatever the new state I was going to move into was and those first few times it was like I didn’t believe myself saying that I love and accept myself. It was hard. Like I cried. It was hard to even hear those words because I knew they weren’t even true. And then I felt that shift. Like it did slowly shift over time and it changed my mental state. And I know you talk about this in Super Attractor and you’ve talked about it in some of your other books as well, but let’s talk about that. How can we start to like move into alignment with those new mental states or like in Super Attractor, like into joy because I think that’s so profound when you can make that shift.

Gabby: Well, first of all, I’m really glad that you mentioned EFT. So emotional freedom technique is excellent for anyone who’s traumatized or anxious. And why don’t I give you one more tool and then I’ll talk about another tool which is about really reprogramming our thinking and it’s a method from Super Attractor. But one thing you can also do is you can tap on this one specific point and these are energy meridians and when they’re tapped on they actually can really release that fight or flight state. So the point is called the gamut point, but I like to refer to it, Katie, as the “holy shit point.” And this is when you’re really activated. And so it’s between your pinky finger and your ring finger and maybe in your show notes you can link to an image of it or something and you tap on this point and you can still use that affirmation, I am safe or I am well, or you can even say I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I feel anxious, I deeply and completely love and accept myself that point, I would tap that point all day long, early in my trauma recovery when I was in this sort of re-traumatized state, I would walk around all day just tapping that point and it’s that little point, that little skin between the pinky finger and the ring finger on the top of the hand. So we can find an image of it for everybody. But, um, that’s a really nice practice that I would highly recommend if you are new to EFT and you just want to tap to feel instant relief, that’s a big one. What I want to really call out as a practice that you’ve just recognized is how do we change our thinking? How do we change our behavioral patterns at this time? And in my book, Super Attractor, the most important method in the book, and the book has methods for manifesting a life beyond your wildest dreams, but really their methods for feeling good.

That’s what the whole book is about, is feeling good. Because when we feel good, we become a super attractor. So the method that’s in the book that I think is so valuable that’s especially for right now, it’s kind of like a cognitive behavioral therapy method because it’s about rethinking. So it’s called the choose again method. And the first step is to witness the negative fear-based thought that you have on repeat. So for me, I’ll just use myself as example. For me right now, when I had postpartum depression and anxiety, I suffered from insomnia. And right now I’m about to try to conceive again and I’m nervous about my sleep because I had been using melatonin and some other sleep aids that I won’t be able to use when I’m pregnant. So I’m trying to just learn how to sleep again and I’m nervous about it.

So my story has been oh God, I’m scared of my sleep. I’m scared I’m not gonna be able to sleep. And so I’ve been using this choose, again, method all throughout the day. So the first step is to notice the fearful thought and notice how it makes you feel. So the fearful thought for me is I’m scared about sleeping, then sends this pang of anxiety into my chest. Okay? So I’m familiar with the thought, now I know what it is. I’m calling it out. And then referencing, there it is. There’s my fear. And the second step is to forgive yourself for having the thought. Now, Katie, this is major because if we don’t forgive ourselves for… when we forgive ourselves for the thought, what we do is we recognize that the thought is not who I am. The thought that I have insomnia is not the truth of who I am.

That’s an old story. That’s an old ego-based belief that I’m bringing into the present, but when I forgive myself for having the thought, I disconnect myself from the belief that that thought is who I am. Now I unpack that a lot in the book, but I want to just really highlight that even in this moment when I say I forgive myself for thinking that I have, a sleep issue, it immediately dissolves the thought for me because it’s saying I am not my past. I am in a different place in this present moment. Now, the third step is the fun and crucial step, which is to choose again. The choose again method is about reaching for the next best feeling thought. So if we’re going to use my example, I can start reaching. I can say, well, I’m no longer in a panic disorder because I’ve treated the postpartum experience and I’m not where I was a year ago.

I have the resources and the support system. I’ve never felt more grounded than I do today. After all that I’ve been through and all that I have faced, I have a connection to a spiritual guidance system that can help me through this period. I can accept that my sleep might not be as great if I’m not on melatonin, but I will change my new patterns and accept each day as it goes. Or I can also go to the place of saying, when I’m pregnant, I will be tired and that will help me sleep. So just reaching for the thoughts that you believe in, proactively guide you out of the story that you’ve been hooked into. And it’s these stories that we grasp onto that become belief systems and the beautiful teacher, Abraham Hicks say that a belief is just a thought that you keep thinking.

So when we just repeat that thought and repeat that thought and repeat that thought, that becomes a belief system. And for me, I have just been totally in acceptance that that thought doesn’t have to be mine right now. And I can choose to believe, through the practice of rethinking this and choosing again, I can choose to believe that I’m going to be tired when I’m pregnant and sleep beautifully and that my body does remember how to sleep and my brain does remember how to sleep and that I have all these great sleep hygiene routines and I can really reprogram the way I’m thinking. Did that, did that make sense to you Katie?

Katie: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think that’s such an important point. And I think, like I said, I didn’t believe just how profound these things were until I started actually changing the internal things I was saying to myself. And you know, you hear all those quotes and things about how your body listens to everything your mind says and all of that but it really is incredible when you actually start reprogramming that.

And like the other thing you talk about like Super Attractor, I loved it. It was all about kind of like getting into that alignment. And then in doing so, being able to attract the things that you want and need in your life. Can you kind of explain the concept of that? And then, and then also maybe some of the roadblocks that happen when people are attracting things they don’t want and how we can fix that.

Gabby: Yeah. I think that anytime we’re not attracting what we want or attracting things we don’t want, it’s just a sign of misalignment. It’s a sign that we’ve been thinking a thought for too long that we don’t want and has become a belief system. That belief system has created a vibration within us, an energetic state. That energetic state has been expressed out into the world and that is what we’re getting back. It’s being served back up to us. So it’s really about just recognizing that the energy that we express is a boomerang and our thoughts inform our energy and our energy informs our actions and our actions are picked up and put back to us. And as well as our energy, even if we don’t take any action, the feelings that we have are reflected back to us in our experiences. So practicing a book like Super Attractor will put you on a path of undoing the belief systems and the patterns and the energetic state that has kept you in the misalignment and kept you from attracting what you genuinely want in your life. By undoing those patterns and belief systems, you start to restore a greater sense of presence and peace within you that ultimately changes the direction of your life.

Katie: Gotcha. Okay. So can you kind of walk us through, in a little bit more detail, like I know you have the four step action method for kind of creating the life you want. Can you walk us through that?

Gabby: Well, I know the whole book is filled with methods. One of them was the choose again, method that I gave you. Other methods could include, there’s a daily design method, which I think would be very valuable for folks right now because right now a lot of people are feeling immobilized. They’re feeling stuck. In that state, they don’t have much… They wake up in the morning, maybe turn right to the news or social media or whatever’s going on. But instead, what would happen if you woke up in the morning, you opened a journal or even your phone and you answered these three questions or four questions actually. How do I want to feel today? Who do I want to be today? The answers to something like that like I want to be a good mother. I want to be a happy person today or whatever.

So how do I want to feel today? Who do I want to be today? What do I want to give today and what do I want to receive today? When we answer those four questions, we design our day. We set the day up the way that we want, the way that we’re intending. Even simply making those statements to ourselves silently or writing them down in the morning, sets ourselves up to win. It sets an intention and it redirects us off of the news, the drama, the stories, the emails, the text messages, the fear from yesterday, and it redirects the energetic state that we’re in into a place that we want to be in today. So I would love for people to start using that daily design.

Katie: I love that. That seems like something great to do with kids as well, which was going to be one of my next questions. You’re a mom so how can we foster this mindset from like a very early age with our kids and I know obviously I’m hearing some of the stuff you’ve already said and thinking this would be great to do with my kids, especially that four step formula, but I’m curious how you’re approaching it as a mom even with the really little ones to kind of hopefully give them this foundation so that they’re not having to address some of these things as an adult like many of us are, but they can start from a young age, having this mindset.

Gabby: The absolute most valuable thing I believe as a mom, that a parent could do right now is read these two books. One of them is called Trauma-Proofing Your Kids and it’s a book by the leading trauma therapist, Peter Levine, Dr. Peter Levine, and the other book is by Dan Siegel, which I’m sure you’ve read some of the Dan Siegel books and this book is called No-Drama Discipline. I cannot recommend these two books enough. No-Drama Discipline is frankly blowing my mind because what it’s teaching is how to connect with your child’s feelings and to validate their feelings, honor their feelings. Because when a child is in an overactive state and acting out and doing something that’s inappropriate or whatever it may be, they’re not in their resource part of their brain. They’re not in their upstairs brain. They’re in their downstairs brain. And that downstairs brain is emotion.

It’s all the feelings, whereas the upstairs brain can problem solve, but we can’t just force them into that problem solving brain because that doesn’t work. Throwing them into a timeout saying you’re not, you know, what are you doing? You shouldn’t be doing this. It just throws them into more of a triggered state. So if we just can regulate them by just being really, really recognizing their emotions, their feelings, validating their feelings, even though we may not say that what they did was correct, we can validate their feelings about it and it’s all about connection. And then once you felt that connection, that’s when you can redirect. I could do an entire podcast with you on this work. But Dan Siegel’s work and Peter Levine are just blowing my mind personally and as a parent and professionally actually because I’m just like, I got to teach this work everywhere I can. It’s unbelievable.

Katie: I’m definitely going to check out both of those because having been through trauma myself, that’s something I think about a lot with my kids. And I know obviously every parent, you know, with very rare exceptions or like mental illness, every parent wants to do the best they can with their kids. But yet I think so, like we talked about the beginning of so many people make it to adulthood with these filters or these scripts of not being good enough or not being worthy or not being lovable. And so I’ve thought about that a lot in the recent years as my kids get older. It’s like, how can we as parents better navigate this and still teach them and help them learn important life lessons, but also make sure that they get to adulthood with the feeling of being loved and worthy and valuable and good enough. And I’m sure like we still will do many things wrong or wish we could do things a little better as parents. But, um, I can’t wait to check out both of those books. How old is your little guy now?

Gabby: He’s 16 months.

Katie: Oh, that’s awesome. That’s such a great age.

Gabby: He’s so much fun. He’s so cool. Yeah. Yeah. It’s been, and that’s been the silver lining of this whole experience is that I actually, we have full time childcare, not full, you know, five days a week childcare when we’re working, because my husband and I run our business, but we don’t have that right now. And it’s been really a blessing even though I have a lot less hours in the day. I have this bond that when I went through the postpartum depression, I didn’t, I lost some of that bonding time and I’ve now been able to reignite that with my son. So it’s very special.

Katie: That is, and two things there I want to touch on a little bit. So I’m curious if you have any strategies or just any personal experience of how you’ve navigated this path with your husband and being in relationship? Because I know at least from my own experience, having been through some kind of trauma like that, and especially once you’ve put up walls or with the shame that we talked about earlier, it’s like it can make it hard to be vulnerable and to connect in relationships sometimes. And so I’m curious if you have anything that’s been helpful for you guys in your relationship or help to strengthen that bond as you work through these levels of trauma.

Gabby: Oh, this is such a whole other podcast. I agree with that. So there’s really great gifts in being on your own personal growth journey, but there’s an even greater gift than in being on one with a partner because your partner is the one who continues to trigger your core wounds and activate them, which only allows you to have the opportunity to go deeper into your own personal growth. So if you see it that way, it can be a real blessing, if you don’t, it can be a pain in the ass. It can be torturous. So thankfully my husband and I both been on our own journeys separately and together. The places that I think I’ve felt the most, the deepest connection is even reading these, these Dan Siegel books, realizing that the same way that I would treat my child when he’s activated is how I have to treat my husband and myself. So if my husband’s, you know, throwing an attitude around and he’s upset about things, I have to recognize that I can’t just jump into solution with him. I have to honor his feelings. So by simply saying… Last night I said, he was really stressed out because we have so much going on. And I said, “You know, listen honey, why don’t you just tell me how you feel and I don’t need to problem solve. I’ll just listen.” And his whole face just lit up. Like, thank you so much. So the answer is I recommend couples therapy to every family, every human, every couple. I think every couple should be in couples therapy, especially if you have children, every couple should be in couples therapy. And I say that should with a real “S” a capital “S,” Should, and I’m not a “should”er, but I think that is my big should for the lifetime. And uh, it’s my highest recommendation. Also just doing your own personal growth work, you have to hope and pray that your partner will grow with you.

Katie: Absolutely. Yeah, definitely agree. And I love that. And then the other point of what you said that I really resonated with as you said, you were just you’re being grateful for not having the childcare right now and for more time with your son and at home and I think it’s easy to fall into that out of control feeling or the uncertainty or the helplessness like we talked about earlier on. But we also all do have the choice to choose gratitude. And I’m hopeful, especially, I think moms kind of direct the mood at a lot of households and I’m hopeful that we can kind of collectively let this become a great experience like we talked about for us and for our families and for our kids.

And I’m hopeful that we’ll also keep some of the good lessons of this. Like many more people are gardening and many more people are cooking at home with their families or spending more one on one time with their kids or just spending more time in nature. So as things hopefully relatively quickly move back towards what we remember in life, I also hope we can keep the good and keep the lessons. And, um, and like you said, use this as a catalyst for change in our lives and kind of a metamorphosis of sorts. Um, for people who are new to you, I know you’re very well-known and I guess most listeners have heard of you, but for someone who’s new, who is ready to kind of jump in and kind of go on this journey, where would you recommend that they start with your work and your books?

Gabby: I would say head over to my site, Gabbybernstein.com and really just allow yourself to be guided there because there’s so much content. There’s so many free resources. If you’re a reader and you are looking for a spiritual book, I think a great place to start is my book, The Universe Has Your Back. If you read The Universe Has Your Back, a great one would be Super Attractor. But I’ve written eight books now, so I think that the best thing to do is also just go read the introductions online and see what’s the most, what’s really striking you as your path, your journey with me. I probably need to do sort of like a website form of like a choose your own adventure with the books, you know, like, which direction do you want to go in right now? But you can spend some time on Amazon reading the introductions and seeing what feels right for you.

Katie: I love it and I will make sure all of those links are at wellnessmama.fm in the show notes. If you guys are listening while you are driving or exercising, you can find everything we’ve talked about there. And I know Gabby, you have so many resources on your site including a meditation challenge. I’ll make sure we link to that as well. But I love that you’re a voice of calm and gratitude even in these kind of tough and uncertain times. And I love your message throughout your books of us being able to choose joy. And to choose a positive response. I think it’s so important and so needed right now and especially with no childcare. I really appreciate you making the time today to be here and to share your, your message and your journey.

Gabby: Thank you. And listen, I really do want to encourage people, if this is coming out in before the 17th of May or even within that week to take me up on this journey of this 21-day challenge because Katie, I’d love to have you involved in doing it because I’ve put in these meditations, daily new meditations for people and I think so many people have been begging me right now for guidance on how to meditate in this crisis. And so I feel it’s my responsibility as a spiritual teacher to give those tools. So I’m really glad that you brought that up because I think that taking… and also being part of a community right now, feeling part of a collective group of people going on a journey together. So we’ll give them all those details.

Katie: I love it. So yeah, you guys make sure you check out the show notes and find those links. Gabby, thank you so much for your time and for all that you do.

Gabby: Thank you. Thank you for your vulnerability too. Thank you so much.

Katie: And thanks as always to you for listening and sharing one of your most valuable resources, your time, with both of us today. We’re very grateful that you did and I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of the Wellness Mama podcast.

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/gabrielle-bernstein/

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monitorsscrawlings · 7 years

Text

On Ghosts And Other Undead

Below I've compiled some rough notes for later perusal, since this stuff is important, and I vow this is the absolute last time I let myself spend literally hours on end holed up in the families secret library. Morty has helped fill in some of the blanks, but there is still much more to learn. I can already hear Grunk impatiently stomping around upstairs so best to write this all down quickly, while it's still fresh.

Firstly all undead, regardless of their nature, form or disposition come in two very broad categories: those being either Corporeal or Incorporeal. Now lots of entities that are technically incorporeal can still exert their will on the material plane, still posses a more or less tangible form and can still be perceived by the naked eye. Likewise there are a few corporal who can and will flip physics the bird and explode into a swarm of cockroaches or melt into slime or dissolve into mist or the like at will. Sometimes trying to apply a label to such entities is an utter waste of effort, frankly. The main difference I've found is that incorporeal entities are a soul or conscience expressing itself through a body with an ectoplasmic base and thus not bound by the laws and limitations of meat-space, where as a corporal entity is a being rooted in a physical body that no matter how strange or dangerous still has at least some physical limitations. More than most incorporeal entities I've encountered anyways.

Haze: Incorporeal. A weak spirit, less a proper ghost and more an uppity glob of ectoplasm super-charged by an overabundance of usually negative residual emotions that have become ingrained into the underlying fabric of a place; things like grief, anger, fear and despair. Typically manifests as a misty, ill-defined humanoid figure composed of smoky ectoplasm, usually using smog, dust, sands, bits of trash and the like to give it actual solidity once it grows strong enough. Not a ghost in the true sense, more like fragmented echos of strong emotional imprints. Prolonged exposure to a Haze may cause hallucinations, disrupt recording devices and other electronics, but they're more a petty nuisance than any kind of real threat.

A stiff gust of wind or a handful of salt is usually more than enough to disrupt them, as they're barely strong enough to survive being sneezed at, much less a light breeze. Typically incredibly short-lived as one might imagine, and often preyed upon by stronger more malicious entities as a quick and easy snack to revitalize their own essence.

Shades: Incorporeal. A kind of low-level ghost or spirit. Usually a lost or restless soul clinging to the material plane to deliver a message or seeking help. A struggle that often leaves them weakened and confused, since they lack the stability or focus of true ghosts. Practically no physicality, though touching them for any length of time will seriously sap your body-heat, and letting one latch on to you is just a bad idea in general, since if allowed to they can pass on visions or posses you, which speaking from experience is seriously dangerous and not at all fun, and we should never let that happen again. Potentially dangerous, as emotions and belief can have a nourishing effect, giving them more permanence and clarity of thought as well as more focus and direction. Usually however, they only whisper, guide and hint, and will pass on of their own violation once they've passed on their message to its intended recipient or revealed their killers identity.

If a shade starts to become violent or latches on to an unwilling host, exposing them to sanctified iron, throwing a handful of salt their way or dragging the victim out in to strong sunlight will weaken the shade and force it to release its victim.

Phantasm: Incorporeal. An incredibly strong personality impressed into the fabric of a place, sometimes catalyzed by a traumatic death or catastrophic event. The sort of people that spawn these things usually just aren't nice or pleasant people, quite the opposite really. Many are simply mindless recordings that lash out blindly and invisibly, pushing people out windows or down stairs, creating disturbances and growing both stronger and more violent as the responding emotions and raw belief from the people who bear the brunt of these outbursts or happen to witness them in action floods in.

Some phantasms tend to gain more visibility and cohesion over time, but remain mindless echos of those who have already passed on, albeit more complex and better defined in the scenarios they act out. Great potential for harm and mischief, avoid if and whenever possible. A ritual cleansing or exorcism of the problem area is usually enough to destroy and erase these things, but it's altogether too easy to mistake a phantasm for any number of other things, and the wrong treatment can actually make things like this worse.

Ghosts: Incorporeal. Human or other sentient who have died and who's soul or spirit persists after death, bolstered by all kinds of ambient magical, ectoplasmic and miscellaneous energies. Usually people who have died in a dramatic or spectacular way, violently and unexpectedly, though there are always exceptions. Personality, behavior, as well as where and how they died all can have an affect on a ghosts appearance, and their particular powers, if any. There are two things that define them. The first is that all ghosts--true ghosts--are self-aware, conscience, and retain their free-will. The second thing is that most ghosts tend to start their unlives temporarily anchored to the area they died in, though I'm not quite clear on exactly why. Aside from that they all tend to be pretty varied. Most are sub-categorized by what they do and how they operate, since ghosts are one of the most varied groups of undead.

Firstly you've got Specters. Just regular ghosts. Many go about their unlives in a drifting, dream-like fugue-state, like sleep-walkers. Others have been known to act as guardians or household spirits attached to a particular individual or household. Practically indistinguishable from a living person nine times out of ten, specters tend to be a very placid and down to earth bunch in comparison to both Haunts and Poltergeists. This however does not make them harmless, and an angry specter is likely to make its displeasure felt in a violent and explosive manner if pushed too far or threatened. Often kept sustained and strengthened through prayer, remembrance, and offerings from those they knew in life.

Next you've got Haunts. Spookers and tricksters, most Haunts delight in frightening, pranking and in some cases even outright tormenting the living, causing mischief, grabbing attention and creating a ruckus. Everything from shape-shifting and ectoplasmic manipulation, petty tricks and spoiling milk to borderline poltergeist-like behavior, heavy-duty terror tactics and full-scale hauntings of anywhere from a single person to an entire household of people. Basically the polar-opposite of Specters in both motive and temperament. More attention demanding but less likely to lash out violently if angered. These are probably what most people think of when they think 'ghost'. Usually non-violent, often very spirited and characterized by strong personalities, haunts can be stressful and deeply annoying to deal with, but they're rarely actively malicious or deadly. Incredibly varied in appearance, I don't think I've ever actually seen two that looked much alike.

Finally, there's Poltergeists. Ghosts who are motivated by anger or frustration, either with themselves, their demise and current state of being, or the world around them. Some might not even be entirely aware of their current circumstances or trapped in a state of shock or denial and unwilling or unable to move on or adjust to their new existence. Poltergeists as a general rule tend to be territorial, antagonistic, temperamental and the most likely to lash out violently at their surroundings with very little prompting. Poltergeists in particular should be handled with care, compassion and discretion.

Salt, fresh blood--human, animal, monster, fae or hell even demonic ichor seems to work--sanctified iron or polished silver all work at keeping ghosts either in or out, providing the boundary-lines forged through these methods remain secure. For some reason sleep-catchers work on lassoing or stymieing most haunts. Mirrors of glass or polished silver are likewise excellent at capturing and containing them, provided you know you're doing and how to go about it. If a ghost persists in endangering others or acting in a violent fashion, an exorcism will work as a last resort to forcibly boot them off in to the afterlife. The religion or culture the exorcism is rooted in doesn't matter, so long as it's performed correctly and the proper materials are used.

[ There's a hastily scrawled note under the last entry for this page. Clearly someone was in a rush. The note reads: 'Ending this here for now, Journal. Hands cramping up something fierce and I can hear Grunk banging on the lab-door. Guess my times up. Note to self: fill in and compile rest of notes later ASAP.' ]

Author Note: This is one of those written pieces I originally wrote up on my other blog, and really not a heck of a lot has changed, though I did try to tweak and clean it up a little. Mainly to make it a little more stylistically consistent with the second half, which I think reads better of the two.

Special thanks to @delistylehardcore who indirectly inspired this and who’s awesome characters and artwork help inspire me and make me want to keep writing more. If you’ve made it this far might I recommend checking them out?

#Otherverse Data Files #Otherverse Lore #Ghosts #Undead #The Undead #Spirits #Perilous Entities

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rogeramir · 5 years

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Karma, Dreams And The Balance Needed In Daily Life

What is 'Karma'? It is a Sanskrit word meaning, 'action'. Ancient Hindu wisdom teachers studied human actions and how each action has consequences and how it leads to further actions or reactions. They came up with the 'law of Karma', which states that actions have consequences and that good actions will have good consequences and bad actions will have bad consequences.

I agree to the extent that whatever you do has effects for you and for others and, in fact, for the whole universe, which implies that we may want to be more cautious in our thinking and the actions which that thinking gives rise to. I do not, however, agree with the rest of the so-called law of karma. I am not sure about 'good' actions having 'good' consequences and vice versa for 'bad' actions. That involves many different philosophical questions and I don't waste too much time on those. Philosophical questions are for philosophers and for those who have the time and the interest to take those questions up. I am here to propose constant observation of our own selves as a way of discovering who we are.

For me, Karma is this: if I have a cup of coffee at home, then, to have another cup of coffee, I will have to wash the same cup or buy a new one or drink in the unwashed one. These are the possible consequences.

Or, if I have been rude to someone, I will have to apologise or live with the guilt of it or I will become or remain a generally rude person.

So, I do agree that every thing we do brings consequences.

Physicists say, 'to every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction', also known as Newton's Third Law of Motion.

The Chinese have their own philosophy of yin and yang, which states that seemingly opposite forces are complementary, interconnected and interrelated. The opposites / polarities create one another. Night means that soon it will be day. When a baby is born, it means that at some point in time in the future, there will be a death (no one lives indefinitely). If grass is growing and flowers are blooming, then in a few months, autumn will be there. These are examples of yin and yang, opposites creating each other.

Now, lets look at what is happening in our daily life:

If I have eaten too much, I will have to stop eating for a while.

If I have remained awake for a while, I will have to get some sleep.

If I have talked for a while, I will have to remain quiet for some time.

If I have been with other people for a few hours, then I need some alone time.

If I have been angry or agitated or happy and excited, then I will need to silence the mind for a while.

If I have been earning money today, then, today, I will naturally feel good if I can share my money or other possessions with others.

Similarly also in other things that make up our day. All these are examples of Karma too. And they also suggest that our everyday life demands a balance. A very fine balance. Not just balance for the sake of balance, but a balance that will actually bring sanity and a freshness to life. It is the balance which brings us back home. During the whole day, we take hundreds of actions, see thousands of images, speak many words, listen to many words, use our imagination about things, interact with people, eat, drink, converse with people, watch TV, listen to the radio or music or podcasts, read newspapers, journals, blogs, and take so many other actions. All that is information being downloaded into the brain, into the mind. All this information changes us. It becomes a part of us and, to whatever extent, we become this information. Every day, every minute, every second of our lives, we change the world and the world changes us.

The more information we absorb, the more we change. The more we change, the more we go away from our original self. It is as if our original self keeps getting covered over by layers and layers of information. And these layers hide our true nature. They come from the outside, from the world of images, from the world of perceptions. These perceptions are not the reality, they are a version of the reality which the limited human mind comes up with. This perception depends upon our biology, our heredity, our training and development from childhood, the so-called social programming that we undergo.

The problem is (and this is the whole crux of man's spiritual problem and his spiritual struggle) that the more we change, the more we seek our original self. The more we go out into the world, the more we want to come back home. The more we forget ourself, the more we try to remember ourself. The search for God, the search for the right religion, all philosophical thought, all cosmological studies, all studies of man and all studies of the universe, all these are geared towards that one search, the search for our origins.

We come from a great silent, as yet unknowable, blissful nothingness and we become these small noisy, all too predictable, sad, confused individuals. And then we search for that nothingness.

What I am proposing here is that while we continue with our normal lives of going into the world and getting more and more information and becoming more and more different every day, we can also start a parallel process of taking a few steps back home each day. And that journey is not necessarily a long one. It can happen in an instant. If you can learn to use the right vehicle, it will take you less than a second to go back home. That vehicle is utter silence. If you can learn to harness that vehicle, it will transport you in a micro-instant to that land of blissful nothingness from where we all originated.

Going back home each day creates that balance in our life without which we become a bunch of confused, agitated, egoistic, insane individuals. Without it, we live in the world of the ego, images and attachment. Going back home each day will reduce and keep in check our insanity.

If we just keep an eye on ourselves every day, we will come to understand where exactly this balance is needed and what happens when we do not keep this balance.

If we work too much without getting adequate rest, the body and the mind suffer. Our future performance and also our health will inevitably suffer.

If I stay awake all day and do not get adequate sleep, it will be disastrous for the mind and the body.

If we eat too much and keep eating, we will suffer all kinds of diseases and sickness.

If I focus on money alone and do not address other key factors in life, such as family, spirituality, inner peace, then all the money in the world will not be enough to bring peace and contentment to life.

If I keep talking and do not listen to others, all of my relationships, whether personal or professional or social, will start suffering.

That is the daily balance I am talking about.

(Neitzsche, image from Wikipedia)

Neitzsche, the mad philologist, philosopher and genius, hints at the need for this balance when talking about the virtues of good sleep in his book, 'Thus Spake Zarathustra'. He said we need to deal with sleep with respect and modesty and that we should stay away from those who do not sleep well and who stay awake at night. According to him, when we do not create this balance, the mind tries to do so in dreams. It plays out scenes, as in a movie, which bring back this balance. But, of course, that balance is only imaginary, fake, unreal, only meant to show us what is missing in life. Most of us do not understand what the mind is doing, the hints it is giving us about what we are not doing. But we are too dumb to take those hints.

Ten times must thou reconcile with yourself again; for overcoming is bitterness and badly sleep the unreconciled.

Ten truths must thou find during the day; otherwise wilt thou seek truth during the night, and thy soul will have been hungry.

Ten times must thou laugh during the day and be cheerful; otherwise, thou stomach, the father of affliction, will disturb thee during the night.

(Neitzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra)

Neitzsche also famously declared in one of his books that 'God is dead'. With utmost love and respect, I beg to differ from Neitzsche on this. But that is a topic for a separate post, which I am dying to do very soon.

So, for now, lets take a few moments every day (throughout the day and especially before going to bed) and see what we are doing, what the so-called Karmic-consequences will be and what we will need to bring back that balance in life.

Lets learn to master the use of that vehicle of utter silence to go back home every day. It is the same vehicle that was used by Jesus, by Mohammad, by Gautum Buddh, by Mahavira, by Lord Krishna, by Rumi, by Kabir, by Nanak and by many other luminaries of the spiritual world. We can learn to use it too. These great ones were like Prometheus (in Greek mythology) who stole fire from gods and brought it to humanity. Similarly, the great wisdom teachers, the prophets, the shamans found this art of attaining great silence and doing deep meditation to come to our original self, to see our original face, to go back home. Jesus called that home the Kingdom of Heaven. Buddha called it nirvana. Mahavira called it moksha. Mohammad called it tawhid. Lao Tzu called it the great tao. They have taught us over the centuries and most of us have not paid too much attention. And that is OK. As a specie, we have not yet reached that place where we collectively, in large numbers, start seeking sanity. We are still in the phase of going through, and coming to terms with, our insanity. Our greed, our attachments, our sounds, our images are too over-powering for us to really pay any attention to the other world, the world of silence. I think one day we will wake up in large numbers and that day will mark the real turning point for the human world. That waking up will be Karmic too.

Karl Marx thought that socialism will come on its own (and not by a CIA-sponsored rebellion) as an evolution of, and withering away of, capitalism. I feel that the great spiritual awakening of man will also come on its own. People like Jesus and Buddha and Lao Tzu and Krishna and others saw it and tried to tell people and we didn't listen. But their words changed us and contributed to the great spiritual evolution of man. I feel that going back home (in the spiritual sense of the word) is our destiny. It is the great Karma that so many spiritual traditions have talked about. Some call it the 'second coming of Christ', some call it, the 'final judgement'. There are different names for it. But if you look closely, the concept is similar. We can choose to ignore it for now, but not for too long. And, to be clear, I am not advocating any specific religious belief here. On the contrary, I am trying to go beyond all religions, to the place where there are no religions, there are no images, no words, no beliefs, no attachments, no sounds, just a great big nothingness and silence. And maybe not even that.

Lets just remember that whenever we want we can start paying a little more attention to our daily life and choose to take our lives into a wholly different dimension, a wholly different direction. If we want to!

If you eat every day, then fast a little every day. If you talk every day, then stay silent for a little while every day. If you work every day, then stay still a little while every day. If you earn money every day, then make it a practice to give some money away every day. Do these and other small balancing acts every day and you might discover a great confidence, a sense of control and an inner peace and bliss emerging somewhere inside.

And I can promise you one thing: you are not going to find a greater treasure anywhere in this world than that peace and bliss that you find inside!

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