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nucleariguana · 10 months

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The Lyrics To Every Song In “Mandatory Fun”

My maid is cleaning the bathroom, so I can't take a shower When I do, the water starts getting cold after an hour I couldn't order off the breakfast menu, cause I slept in till two Then I filled up on bread, didn't leave any room for tiramisu Oh no, there's a pixel out in the corner of my laptop screen I don't have any bills in my wallet small enough for the vending machine Some idiot just called me up on the phone, what!? Don't they know how to text? OMG! I got

First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems

I bought too many groceries for my refrigerator Forgot my gardener's name, I'll have to ask him later Tried to fast forward commercials, can't, I'm watching live T.V I'm pretty sure the cookies in this airport lounge ain't gluten free My barista didn't even bother to make a design in the foam on the top of my vanilla latte

First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems

Can't remember which car I drove to the mall My Sonicare won't recharge, now I gotta brush my teeth like a neanderathal The thread count on these cotton sheets has got me itching My house is so big, I can't get WiFi in the kitchen Uh, I had to buy something I didn't even need just So I could qualify for free shipping on Amazon

First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems)

First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems (First world problems) First world, first world problems

I'm waking up, in Cheeto dust My belly's covered with pizza crust I'm using my inhaler now I'm out of shape, fattening up I'm sipping Coke from a Solo Cup Donut crumbs are upon my lips, whoa

The TV's on, I really hate this show I can't reach my remote control Welcome to my new place, to my new place Sorry it's a cramped space, but it's my place Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, I'm so inactive Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, highly inactive

My muscle's gone, I'm atrophied Always lose my fight with gravity I rest my bones, and just chillax, whoa My NordicTrack's collecting dust And my StairMaster's a pile of rust This is it, The Inertia, whoa

I can't get up, this couch is part of me I'm growing cobwebs on my knee Pretty sad for my age, sad for my age I could break my rib cage, here is my age Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, yes, quite inactive Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, not very active

Near comatose, no exercise Don't tag my toe, I'm still alive

I'm giving up, my energy is shot I'm never moving from this spot Never move from this place, move from this place I'll stay here in this place, right in this place Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, just so inactive Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, not so attractive

Tuesday morning, 8:15 I was riding to work on the Jackson Park Express Seemed like any other day Then my whole world changed In a way I never could have guessed 'Cause she walked in Took the seat right across the aisle I knew we had a special connection The second I saw her smile

She smiled as if to say "Hello, haven't seen you on this bus before" I gave her a look that said "Huh, life is funny, you never know what's in store By the way, your hair is beautiful I bet it smells like raisins"

She looked at me in a way that asked "Did you have a nose job or something? I'm only asking, cause your nose looks slightly better Than the rest of your face" I arched my eyebrow, ever so slightly Which was my way of asking "Do you want my old Hewlett-Packard printer? It still works, kinda And I got a bunch of ink cartridges left"

Then, she let out a long sigh Which, I took to mean, "Uh" "Mama, what is that deodorant you're wearing? It's intoxicating Why don't we drive out to the country sometime? And collect deer ticks in a zip-lock baggie", oh yeah

I gave her a penetrating stare Which could only mean "You are my answer, my answer to everything Which is why, I'll probably do very poorly On the written part of my driver's test"

Yes, it all happened On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express

I knew she was starting to fall for me 'Cause she crinkled her nose, which unmistakably meant "Baby, lets wear each other's clothes And speak in a thick German accent And, maybe someday we can own and operate Our own mobile pet-grooming service" I couldn't hold back my feelings I gave her a look, that said "I would make any sacrifice for your love Goat, chicken, whatever I could never hold you close enough Let's have our bodies surgically grafted together Oh, surgically grafted together"

She picked up a newspaper, and started reading to herself Which I'm sure, was a way of telling me "When you're cold, I will warm you When you're shivering, I will hold you When your nauseous, I will give you Pepto-Bismol every hour For as long as the symptoms persist" Oh, I, I never, ever want to see you cry So, please let me cauterize your tear ducts with an arc welder Then, I glanced down, at her shirt, for a second In a way that clearly implied "I like your boobs"

Yes, it all happened On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express

I cleared my throat quietly, and then, I looked away And I'm sure it was obvious to her, just what I was trying to say I was trying to say, "Hey I'd like to make a wall-sized mural out of all the dead skin cells That you slough off while you sleep at night" Whoa-o-Oh, "I'd like to rip you wide open And french-kiss every single one of your internal organs Oh, I'd like to remove all your skin, and wear your skin, over my own skin But not in a creepy way"

Then, I'm pretty sure, she looked at me, out of the corner of her good eye And, though, she never spoke a word, this is exactly what I heard She was saying, "Oh! I wanna make out with you, in an abandoned toll-booth, in the middle of a monsoon I wanna ride dolphins with you, in the moonlight Until the staff at Sea World kicks us out I want you inside me, oh, like a tapeworm"

I pointed to the side of my mouth, as a way of indicating "Hey, I think you got something on the side of your mouth" She licked the corner of her lips, as if to say "Here?", I nodded, implying, "Yeah, you got it"

And, then the bus stopped, at 53rd Street, and she got up suddenly "Where are you going?", pleaded my eyes, "Baby, don't you do this to me Think of the beautiful children we could have someday We could school them at home, raise them up the right way And protect them from the evils of the world Like Trigonometry and Prime Numbers, oh no Baby, please don't go"

She brushed my leg, as she left the bus I'm sure that was her way of saying "I'm sorry this just isn't working out You're suffocating me I need some space to find out what life's all about So, goodbye forever, my love"

And deep inside, I knew she was right It was time for us both to move on And no, I never got her number, oh no no She never bothered to leave her address, oh But, as long as I live, I'll never forget Those precious moments we shared together

On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express

We must all efficiently Operationalize our strategies Invest in world-class technology And leverage our core competencies In order to holistically administrate Exceptional synergy We'll set a brand trajectory Using management's philosophy Advance our market share vis-à-vis Our proven methodology With strong commitment to quality Effectively enhancing corporate synergy Transitioning our company By awareness of functionality Promoting viability Providing our supply chain with diversity (versity, ooooh) We will distill our identity Through client-centric solutions And synergy (Oooooh oooh oooh)

At the end of the day (At the end of the day) We must monetize our assets The fundamentals of change Can you visualize a value-added experience? That will grow the business infrastructure and Monetize our assets Monetize our assets Monetize our assets

Bringing to the table Our capitalized reputation Proactively overseeing Day-to-day operations Services and deliverables With cross-platform innovation Networking, soon will bring, seamless integration Robust and scalable, bleeding-edge and next-generation Best of breed We'll succeed In achieving globalization

And gaining traction with our resources in the marketplace It's mission-critical to stay incentivized Against this purple-poster-flexible-solutions for our customer base If you can't think outside the box You'll be downsized It's a paradigm shift! (Hey, Hey! Look out!) Well, it's a paradigm shift, now! (Here we go! Here we go! Here we come! Here we come! Ha!)

We clawed, we chained our hearts in vain We jumped never asking why We kissed, I fell under your spell A love no one could deny

Don't you ever say I just walked away I will always want you I can't live a life, running for my life I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball I never hit so hard in love All I wanted was to break your walls All you ever did was wreck me Yeah, you wreck me

All the other kids with the pumped up picture You better run, better run, outrun my gun All the other kids with the pumped up picture You better run, better run faster than my bullet

And we danced all night to the best song ever We knew every line, now I can't remember I think it went ooh eh ooh I think it went oohla eh ooh I think it goes eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh

Eh, sexy lady Po, po, po, po Polka Gangnam Style Eh, sexy lady Po, po, po, po Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh

Hey, I just met you And this is crazy But here's my number So call me, maybe And all the other boys Try to chase me But here's my number So call me, maybe

I wanna scream and shout (hey!) And let it all out And scream and shout (hey!) And let it out We sayin', "Ohh, wee ohh, wee oh wee oh" We sayin', "Ohh, wee ohh, wee oh wee oh wee ohh, wee oh wee oh"

Now you're just somebody that I used to know Now you're just somebody that I used to know

It's going down (hey!), I'm yelling timber You better move, you better dance Let's make a night you won't remember I'll be the one you won't forget (Timber! Timber!)

I'm sexy and I know it Girl look at that body (He's sexy and he knows it)

I wear your grandad's clothes I look incredible I'm in this big old coat From that thrift shop down the road (Hey!)

That's right! (He looks incredible) I do! (He's in that big old coat) It's large! Hey, lets go! (From that thrift shop down the road)

I'm gonna pop some tags Only got twenty dollars in my pocket I'm hunting, looking for a come-up This is super awesome

She's up all night 'til the sun I'm up all night to get some She's up all night for good fun I'm up all night to get lucky

We're up all night 'til the sun We're up all night to get some We're up all night for good fun We're up all night to get lucky

We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky We're up all night to get lucky Up all night to get lucky

Yes, we're up all night to get Can get lucky, we're gonna get lucky, let's all get lucky We're up all night to get lucky! (Hey!)

I saw a baby drive a truck I saw a junkie eat a tuba I saw a stripper kiss a duck Behind a dumpster in Aruba

I saw this fat, psychotic guy His underwear was made of crickets He pawned a skeleton to buy Some old expired lotto tickets

I saw a naked vagrant giving Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to his cat I probably could have gone my whole life Without seeing that

With my own eyes I see things that'd drive a normal man insane Wish I could disconnect my brain From my own eyes

I saw a mime get hacked to death With an imaginary cleaver I saw an old man's final breath I watched him die from Bieber Fever I saw these diabetic chicks In an abandoned 7-Eleven I watched them snorting pixie sticks While they were belching Stairway To Heaven

I saw two drag queens trying to see how many crackers They could shove up each other's nose I'd like to erase my mind completely but I suppose That's just the way it goes

With my own eyes I see things that'd drive a normal man insane Wish I could disconnect my brain From my own eyes (my own eyes) Those visions haunt my memory Oh, there's so much I wish I could unsee With my own eyes

Some priest got drunk and stole a circus zebra And he trained it to massage his back My guinea pig committed hara-kiri So we used him to play hacky-sack My neighbor's kids sold weapons grade plutonium And frosty ice-cold lemonade They took MasterCard and sometimes Human organs in trade, that's how we paid I have to say that it was really darn good lemonade

With my own eyes I've seen thing that'd drive a normal man insane Wish I could disconnect my brain From my own eyes (my own eyes) Those visions haunt my memory Oh, there's so much I wish I could unsee With my own eyes With my own eyes With my own eyes With my own eyes

Everybody shut up, woo! Everyone listen up! Hey, hey, hey, uh Hey, hey, hey

If you can't write in the proper way If you don't know how to conjugate Maybe you flunked that class And maybe now you find That people mock you online

Okay, now here's the deal I'll try to educate ya Gonna familiarize You with the nomenclature You'll learn the definitions Of nouns and prepositions Literacy's your mission And that's why I think it's a

Good time To learn some grammar Now, did I stammer Work on that grammar You should know when It's "less" or it's "fewer" Like people who were Never raised in a sewer

I hate these word crimes Like I could care less That means you do care At least a little Don't be a moron You'd better slow down And use the right pronoun Show the world you're no clown Everybody wise up!

Say you got an "I", "T" Followed by apostrophe, "s" Now what does that mean? You would not use "it's" in this case As a possessive It's a contraction What's a contraction? Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words By the omission of a sound or letter

Okay, now here's some notes Syntax you're always mangling No "x" in "espresso" Your participle's danglin' But I don't want your drama If you really wanna Leave out that Oxford comma Just keep in mind

That "be", "see", "are", "you" Are words, not letters Get it together Use your spellchecker You should never Write words using numbers Unless you're seven Or your name is Prince

I hate these word crimes You really need a Full time proofreader You dumb mouth-breather Well, you should hire Some cunning linguist To help you distinguish What is proper English

One thing I ask of you Time to learn your homophones is past due Learn to diagram a sentence too Always say "to whom" Don't ever say "to who" And listen up when I tell you this I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis You finished second grade I hope you can tell If you're doing good or doing well About better figure out the difference Irony is not coincidence And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull What's figurative and what's literal Oh but, just now, you said You literally couldn't get out of bed That really makes me want to literally Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head

I read your e-mail It's quite apparent Your grammar's errant You're incoherent Saw your blog post It's really fantastic That was sarcastic (Oh, psych!) 'Cause you write like a spastic

I hate these Word Crimes Your prose is dopey Think you should only Write in emoji Oh, you're a lost cause Go back to pre-school Get out of the gene pool Try your best to not drool

Never mind I give up Really now I give up Hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey Go away!

Your sports team is vastly inferior That simple fact is plainly obvious to see We're gonna kick your collective posterior Of course you realize we're speaking figuratively Our stats are thoroughly impressive Our coach really has the Midas touch Our players are fast and strong and brave And your guys, eh, not so much

In fact we've played teams across the nation And you're the worst one we've come across Try to assimilate that information And it just might help you cope with your impending loss Oh, and if somehow we are still failing To affectively articulate the points at hand Allow us now to summarize them in a manner That your feeble brains can understand

We're great (we're great) And you suck (you suck) We're great (we're great) And you suck (you suck) We're great (we're great) And you suck (you suck) You see there's us (we're great) And then there's you (you suck) We're really, really great (really great) In contrast, you really suck (really suck) Okay, full disclosure, we're not that great But nevertheless, you suck

Your sports team will soon suffer swift defeat That theory's backed up by empirical evidence We're gonna grind up your guys into burger meat Again, of course, we're speaking in the figurative sense What's the use of even going through the motions When you know that you're gonna lose anyhow So why don't you save us all some time And give up now (you suck!)

I never seem to finish all my food I always get a doggie bag from the waiter So I just keep what's still unchewed And I take it home, save it for later

But then I deal with fungal rot, bacterial formation Microbes, enzymes, mold and oxidation I don't care, I've got a secret trick up my sleeve

I never bother with baggies, glass jars, tupperware containers Plastic cling wrap, really a no-brainer I just like to keep all my flavours sealed in tight

With aluminum foil (Foil) Never settle for less That kind of wrap is just the best To keep your sandwich nice and fresh

Stick it in your cooler (Cooler) Eat it when you're ready Then maybe you'll choose (You'll choose, you'll choose, you'll choose) A refreshing herbal tea Mmm, lovely!

Oh, by the way, I've cracked the code I've figured out these shadow organizations And the Illuminati know That they're finally primed for world domination

And soon you've got black helicopters comin' cross the border Puppet masters for the New World Order Be aware: There's always someone that's watching you And still the government won't admit they faked the whole moon landing Thought control rays, psychotronic scanning Don't mind that, I'm protected cause I made this hat

From aluminum foil (Foil) Wear a hat that's foil lined In case an alien's inclined To probe your butt or read your mind

Looks a bit peculiar ('culiar) Seems a little crazy But someday I'll prove (I'll prove, I'll prove, I'll prove) There's a big conspiracy

One time I was in the checkout line Behind Steven Seagal Once I'm pretty sure Mr. Jonah Hill Was in the very next bathroom stall My best friend's brother Well, he was an extra in Wayne's World 2 My neighbour's baby sitter Dated three of the guys in Motley Crue I swear Jack Nicholson Looked right at me at a Laker's game

I got a lame Lame claim to fame

Check it out, I bought a second hand toaster From a guy who says he knows Brad Pitt I got me an email from the prince of Nigeria Well, he sure sounded legit My sister used to take piano lessons From the second cousin of Ralph Nader Last year I threw up in an elevator Next to Christian Slater Well guess what, my birthday and Kim Kardashian's Are exactly the same

I got a lame Lame claim to fame A really lame Lame claim to fame

Once at a party, my dentist accidentally Sneezed on Russell Crowe I posted first in the comments On a YouTube video I tried to sit by Steve Buscemi But he told me this seat's taken I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy Who know a guy who knows a guy who know Kevin Bacon

I had a car that used to belong To Cuba Gooding Jr.'s uncle A friend of mine in high school Had jury duty with Art Garfunkel One time I was staying in the same hotel As Zooey Deschanel I used the same napkin dispenser As Steve Carell at a Taco Bell Well I don't mean to brag but Paul Giamatti's plumber knows me by name

I got a lame Lame claim to fame A really lame Lame claim to fame I'm talking lame Lame claim to fame A really really really lame Lame claim to fame

Ow, let's get lame boys

First things first, I'm a craftsman (craftsman) Remodelling is my only passion (it's my passion) And I'm the greatest in the business Want referrals, yo My clientèle will bear you witness (right, right) I can help when your door jamb sticks (heh?) There is nothing in the world I can't fix (yeah) I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks Call me, I'll come rushing over with my bag of tricks (bag of tricks) Where you go when your disposal is rusted (rusted) Termite problem making you disgusted (yuck) When your front window is busted (hey hey hey) Just one man that's always trusted

I'm so handy, you already know I'll fix your plumbing when your toilets over flows I'm so handy, I'll bring you up to code When your dishwasher's about to explode

Now you see that your furnace is needing some service I'm fully bonded, no need to be nervous Perhaps you would like a new counter Formica Maybe I'll hook up your dish washer combo dryer But all your pipes are antique Your water pressure's too weak You got an attic full of dry rot Because your roof sprung a leak Your fridge is starting to reek Your hardwood floors really squeak But don't you worry I'll just show you my amazing technique Now let me glue that, glue that and screw that, screw that Any random chore you got, well I can do that, do that Or maybe I'll just rewire your house for fun I got 99 problems but a switch ain't one

I'm so handy, everyone said so I'll grout your bathroom, resurface your patio I'm so handy, I'm the guy to know When your leaf blower doesn't blow-oh-oh-oh

Patch the drywall, clean your gutters and mow the lawn Make that phone call, I'll install anything you want Yeah, check my big staple gun, my socket wrenches are second to none I won't quit 'til I'm done, don't even care if I hammer my thumb (OW!)

Still rocking my screwdriver Got the whole world thinking I'm MacGuyver Your heating bills are shocking I can solve that with some duct tape and some caulking Your house is a disaster, huh? Need a guy whose a master with the plaster, huh? Let me be your stripper Taking off lacquer, no one does it quicker

I'm so handy, you already know I'll beat all price quotes, my hourly rates are low I'm so handy, you should call this pro I'm in the phone book and se habla Español It might seem crazy, wearing stripes and plaid I Instagram every meal I've had All my used liquor bottles are on display We can go to see a show but I'll make you pay

Wear my belt with suspenders and sandals with my socks (Because I'm tacky) Got some new glitter Uggs and lovely pink sequined Crocs (Because I'm tacky) Never let you forget some favor I did for you (Because I'm tacky) If you're okay with that, then, you might just be tacky, too

I meet some chick, ask her this and that Like 'Are you pregnant girl, or just really fat?' (what?) Well, now I'm dropping names almost constantly That's what Kanye West keeps telling me, here's why

Wear my Ed Hardy shirt with fluorescent orange pants (Because I'm tacky) Got my new resume it's printed in Comic Sans (Because I'm tacky) Think it's fun threatening waiters with a bad Yelp review (Because I'm tacky) If you think that's just fine, then, you're probably tacky, too

Bring me shame, can't nothing Bring me shame, I never know why Bring me shame, can't nothing Bring me shame, I said Bring me shame, can't nothing Bring me shame, it's pointless to try Bring me shame, can't nothing Bring me shame, I said

43 Bumper Stickers and a YOLO license plate (Because I'm tacky) Bring along my coupon book whenever I'm on a date (Because I'm tacky) Practice my twerking moves in line at the DMV (Because I'm tacky) Took the whole bowl of restaurant mints. Hey, it said they're free (Because I'm tacky) I get drunk at the bank And take off my shirt, at least (Because I'm tacky) I would live-tweet a funeral, take selfies with the deceased (Because I'm tacky) If I'm bit by a zombie, I'm probably not telling you (Because I'm tacky) If you don't think that's bad, guess what, then you're tacky, too

#weird al

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eyeless-cunt · 3 years

Note

Rank the creeps from most to least intelligent/read/witty/cultured 💀

CULTURED ???

CULTURED????

NONE OF THEM ARE ANY OF THESE THINGS. NONE OF THEM. JEFF GOT AIDS LIKE FIVE TIMES OVER BECAUSE HE’S TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THAT MIXING BODILY FLUIDS WITH DEAD PEOPLE ISNT A GOOD IDEA.

EJ IS A DEMON THAT SITS IN THE WOODS AND SHITS OUT HUMAN ORGANS EVERY OTHER MONTH. HE DOESNT BRUSH THE FLESH FLAKES OUT OF HIS FUCKING CANINES. HE WENT TO COLLEGE AND HAD TO DROP OUT BECAUSE HE GOT CULT SACRIFICED BY SOME WEIRDOS WEARING OFF BRAND KKK COSPLAYS.

JANE IS OBSESSED WITH A BURNT EMO ASSHAT BECAUSE SHES TOO COWARDLY TO MOVE ON. SHE EATS PUSSY FOR A LIVING AND BLAMES ALL HER PROBLEMS ON SAID EMO ASSHAT AS A COPING MECHANISM AND THE ONLY INTELLIGENT THING SHES EVER DONE IS BECOME A LESBIAN.

BEN SITS AROUND AND DOES ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING ALL DAY. HE KNOWS ABOUT MARIO KART AND BOX TVS. IF HE WERE NORMAL AND ALIVE HE’D HAVE CHEETO CRUMBS IN HIS UNDERWEAR AT ALL TIMES. HE WOULD PLAY COD AND MAKE PISS KINK JOKES IN MIC DURING ONLINE PLAY.

MASKY KNOWS HOW TO SPELL FIVE WORDS IN TOTAL AND HOODIE IS A SEWER RAT THAT ONLY KNOWS HOW TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLES LIVES MISERABLE. HE HATES SEEING ANYONE (Jay, alex, etc) HAPPY. HE ONLY KNOWS DOWN MEDICATION, BEAT PEOPLE WITH METAL PIPE, AND BE CREEPY IN THE WOODS FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN, ‘haha fun.’ DO YOU THINK HE READS SHAKESPEARE? MAYBE NAMES HIS VIDEO CAMERA ANNABEL LEE? QUOTES THE RAVEN?? SHUT THE FUCK UP HE OWNS THREE PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR AND HE STORES THEM IN A MAINTENANCE TUNNEL.

LJ THROWS TANTRUMS LIKE A SMALL CHILD AND IS JEALOUS OF EVERY FIVE YEAR OLD THAT SEEMS EVEN REMOTELY CONTENT WITH THEIR LIFE. HE CANT SPELL APPLE AND DOESNT KNOW HOW TO PLAY CHUTES AND LADDERS. HE WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO GET TRAPPED IN A FUCKING BOX FOR 20 YEARS. SLENDER GIVES PEOPLE HEADACHES FOR A LIVING. MUST I SAY MORE?

THE ONLY ONE THAT EVEN REMOTELY HAS THEIR SHIT TOGETHER IS TOBY. WHY? BECAUSE HE’S LIVING THE DREAM UP IN THE MOUNTAINS GROWING TOMATOES AND PETTING BIRDS. THIS MOTHERFUCKER BURNT HIS ABUSIVE DAD TO A CRISP (AS HE SHOULD) AND WENT ON THE RUN. MY MAN ESCAPED THE COPS AND SLENDERMAN. HOWEVER HE DOESNT MAKE THE CUT BECAUSE HE DOESNT HAVE ACCESS TO THE INTERNET. UNCULTURED. ONLY KNOWS STARE AT RABBIT, GROW TOMATO, AND AVOID OTHER PEOPLE FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

Thanks, that’s all I have for today.

#anyways—they all suck #creepypasta #eyeless jack #creepypasta imagines #ben drowned #jeff the killer #creepypasta headcanon #jane arkensaw #jane everlasting #jane the kiler #laughing jack #slenderman #masky #hoodie #marble hornets headcanons #marble hornets #anon ask #ask #creepypasta headcannons

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lillywillow · 3 years

Text

Tina

Summary: Being a plus sized girl wasn’t easy but having someone like Sam Wilson in your life made things a lot better

Word Count: 1483

Square Filled: Home Alone

Pairings: Sam Wilson x Plus Sized!Female Reader

Warnings: Body insecurities, some bullying about reader’s size (not from Sam), mild adult themes

A/N: If your name is Tina, please feel free to pretend all mentions of the name Tina is either Tina Jr. or something else.

Written for @star-spangled-bingo

The world wasn’t kind to plus sized women. You would often have people make cracks about your weight, telling you to lose it or making fun of you in general. What these people didn’t understand was that it wasn’t just easy for you to lose weight because of underlying health issues like your thyroid and other problems that caused your size to fluctuate. Your number one sense of support came from your roommate and best friend, Sam Wilson. Whenever you wanted to diet, he was there alongside you and if you wanted to exercise, he would spot you at the gym. If fell off the wagon and just wanted to eat junk food and watch TV, he was cool with that too. Sam would never push you into something you didn’t want to do and would always encourage you to do whatever felt right for your body.

You were currently at home by yourself as Sam had gone out for the night to spend some time with the boys. As you were currently in an ‘off’ period, you were situated in front of the TV with your junk food watching a movie. As you watched the people on the screen, your insecurities started to get the better of you. Sighing, you lifted your shirt to look at your midsection. Stretchmarks streaked across your skin; some red, angry and new, others silvery and faded with time. You poked at the soft flesh, pinching at your love-handles between your fingers and thumb, examining how your belly jiggled when you gave it a gentle pat. Had Sam been home, there was no way in hell you would be exposing yourself in such a way.

“Would you like some food, Tina?” you asked your tummy.

“Mmm, yes! Feed me!” you said in a different voice, putting a Cheeto in your bellybutton. “Nom, nom, nom!”

You moved the area around your bellybutton as if your stomach was ‘eating’ the chip.

“Y/N?”

You jumped to your feet at the sudden voice, knocking over the coffee and sending snacks flying. Slowly, you turned around to see Sam staring at you.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Um...” you brushed some crumbs away and pulled your top down. “You got me. It’s Friday night and I’ve got nothing better to do...”

“I see...”

“I didn’t expect you home so soon...”

“The night was a bust. Most of the guys either hooked up, got drunk or called away,” he replied.

Sam walked over to help you clean up the array of fallen snacks.

“So... do you do this often when I’m not here?” he asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“No, uh... you caught me in a bit of a weird moment...”

Once the snacks had been cleaned up, Sam joined you on the couch, eating the food you were able to salvage. A somewhat awkward silence fell over the pair of you before Sam finally broke it.

“So... Tina?”

“Yep, Tina the talking tummy.”

“Does Tina... like to eat?”

“She does... not always like that, but the girl does like her food... she also talks to me, demanding food...”

Sam grinned a little. He knew how insecure you were about your tummy so he enjoyed seeing you come out of your shell a little to talk about it.

“You, um... you won’t tell anyone about... Tina, will you?”

“If you don’t want me to tell anyone, then I won’t. Anything that makes you happy,” he said, casually putting his arm around you and popping a Cheeto into his mouth.

You couldn’t help but blush. The truth was, you had developed a major crush on Sam but felt like you couldn’t do anything about it. He was absolutely gorgeous, both physically and his personality. Sam could have any woman he wanted... so why would he want you?

“Y/N?” Sam’s voice pulled you out of your negative thinking.

“Yeah?”

“How about I order the three of us a pizza?”

“The three of us?”

“Yeah, you, me and Tina,” he winked. You playfully rolled your eyes.

“I think Tina would like that,” you smiled.

You realised that this was a private joke that wasn’t going away anytime soon.

...

A week later, you had gone on a blind date a friend had set up for you. By the time you came home, you were in an absolutely terrible mood.

“How was your date?” Sam questioned from his spot on the sofa.

“The stupid most embarrassing thing happened!” you snarled, throwing your purse and sitting next to him of the couch with your face in your hands. Sam put his arm around you to comfort you.

“What happened?”

“Tina made an appearance...”

“Oh, she did, did she?”

“Yeah... so the dinner was going well at first, he seemed really into me... then I felt this horrible rolling feeling. I look down and Tina had escaped my Spanx. She was sitting there like ‘Yo, Y/N, introduce me’,” you said in your ‘Tina’ voice. “I never felt so humiliated.”

“Then what happened?”

“At first, my date didn’t notice but then he asked me to dance. I didn’t really want to but he pulled me onto my feet and onto the dance floor. He put his hand on my waist and well... his expression suddenly changed. I couldn’t read it... his whole personality changed and he became mean and nasty. Kept making digs about my weight. I paid for my meal and left...” By now you were in tears.

Sam wrapped his arms around you and held you close.

“It’s okay, Y/N. You don’t need jerks like that. You deserve a man who thinks you’re beautiful and can see how amazing you are.”

“Yeah, right. Like I’m going to find one of those,” you scoffed.

“You have one right here...” You looked up at him in surprise.

“You... think I’m beautiful?”

“I sure do. Every single day. From when you’re all dressed up to when you’re working out at the gym. I just think to myself... Damn, how has nobody snapped this woman up yet?”

“I... I’m not...” you subconsciously covered your stomach. Sam took your hands and kissed them.

“You are beautiful, Y/N. I know your struggles, how hard you work to take your weight into your own hands. Your size doesn’t matter. All that matters to me is that you’re happy. I love you.”

“I love you too, Sam.”

Sam smiled and gently pressed his lips to yours. You wrapped your arms around his neck and he placed his hands on your waist. Unlike the guy you went on a date with, Sam’s touch was warm and inviting. Eventually, you had to pull away for air.

“I also love Tina,” he grinned. You laughed and kissed him again, feeling a lot better about yourself and about Tina.

...

A few weeks later, you and Sam were enjoying a date. He had taken you to an art gallery which featured plus sized women in the artwork, whispering in your ear how beautiful you were. As you were walking around, you were spotted by a group of youths. They were pointing and laughing at you, making rude gestures, sounds and remarks.

“Hey!” You marched over to the group who made even more comments.

“You see this? This is what a real man looks like,” you stated, pointing to your boyfriend. “He loves and respects women of all sizes. You boys would do well to learn from him.”

The boys muttered as you walked away, still acting positively boorish. A few weeks ago, they would have gotten to you but since dating Sam, you felt like you could take on anything. You went up to Sam and kissed him deeply. The boys were in shock as Sam kissed back.

“How about we go shopping and you can pick out some outfits that will look good on both me and Tina,” you quietly purred.

“Damn, I love this woman!” Sam loudly proclaimed, the smile never leaving his face.

...

Whenever you were with Sam, he made you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He loved you with all his heart and furthermore, he completely accepting of Tina. To think, if he hadn’t caught you doing something so embarrassing when you thought you were alone, you may have never have gotten together. You still had your issues with your body image but with Sam by your side, you felt like you could take on the world.

#ssb2021 #Tina #Sam Wilson #sam wilson x reader #marvel fic #Marvel #marvel fanfiction #Home Alone #Plus size #body appreciation #some silliness #Plus size reader #dating #friends to lovers

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sitcomified · 3 years

Text

fighting dragons with you

summary: amy gets injured on a case and jake pays her a visit. (pre-canon) word count: 3.5k rating: teen?

read below or on AO3

content warning for minor depictions of violence and general discussions of assault

Amy Santiago wrote her life plan when she was sixteen years old, and revisits it each month like clockwork. She figured out from a young age that if she could clearly define a set of rules to follow to a tee, then she would never fall off course. Most nights, the three inch purple binder lives on her bedside table, where after long days of life-threatening work, she can put everything into perspective. Most days, the plan works out great for her. But she’s not invincible. She still scrapes gum off her brand new shoes and wrestles with her too warm pillow.

It’s not that she can’t deal with unpredictable situations. If anything, being almost comically prepared for every possible situation has made the challenge of taking on these changes that much more thrilling. She knows she excels at tasks that demand quick thinking and efficient problem solving. Hell, that’s why she became a cop.

Amy clocked into work two minutes late that morning. She stared at her watch, already mentally preparing how she would make it up to her squad (even though a quick glance around the bullpen would let her know that she was still the first officer there for her shift.)

By the time her partner showed up nearly thirty minutes late—an occurrence so routine she’d be surprised if anyone even noticed—Amy was already wrapping up her first report of the day. As she reached across her desk for the folder containing crime scene evidence, her partner finally acknowledged her.

“Nice spiderman band-aid,” Jake greeted her, gesturing to her right hand. She sighed deeply. The band-aid in question is nursing a particularly nasty paper cut from when she tried to intercept one of her partner's paper airplanes (probably made from some actually important file) the previous day. Amy rinsed the cut under the precinct kitchenette’s ice-cold water, swearing she’d be fine for the rest of the day, but her finger still stung when she got home and discovered that her only first aid supplies were from the last time her nephews visited.

“Hello Detective Peralta,” Amy replied, trying to salvage any semblance of workplace professionalism. Honestly, she wasn’t even sure if her partner’s retort warranted a response.

“Aw, is that your pet name for me?” he joked, clearly not wanting to drop their banter, “I’m going to call you sugar...nose.” He extended a finger and lightly tapped her on the nose, to emphasize the point.

Amy flinched in response. “Sugarnose?” she repeated incredulously.

“Yeah I didn’t want it to be too sexual, and then I panicked,” Jake explained. Amy half expected him to follow it up with one of the “title of your sex tape” jokes that he was so prone to making, but thankfully, today she would be spared.

It wasn’t that she didn’t like Peralta. At his best, he could be just as sharp a detective as she was. The problem was, that was rarely ever his goal. He showed open disrespect for any authority that would dare get in his way, almost as if it were a game to him. On the field, he spent more time trying to portray himself as an action movie star than trying to catch criminals, and she’d be surprised if he actually followed any of the NYPD’s safety guidelines.

Her day went on as it usually did. Finishing up reports, interviewing witnesses, investigating a crime scene—fortunately on her own. Amy had no idea why Captain McGintley was so adamant about partnering her and Peralta. Their approaches to every aspect of police work seemed fundamentally incompatible. Her captain probably just needed someone responsible to babysit New York’s Least Mature Detective (a title he had bestowed upon himself) in the field. It was a horribly sexist and insulting implication that gave Amy flashbacks to a whole childhood’s worth of classroom seating charts and group projects, where she was put in the exact same position.

That afternoon, just as she was getting into the rhythm of responding to the perpetual flood of emails in her inbox, Peralta tore her away from her work to go on a stakeout for a case they were working on, insisting that the new lead was “actually legit this time.”

When Amy left the precinct she was surprised to see that her partner decided not to “ball out” and instead opted for a sensible SUV for their stake out. “Nice ride, Peralta.”

“Thanks, I borrowed it from some guy Diaz is testifying against,” he said smugly. Amy raised her eyebrows in return. Of course there would be a catch. “Kidding,” he reassured her. “It’s the precinct’s, I’m surprised you don’t like have the license plates memorized by now.”

Amy wasn’t sure if she should feel relieved or insulted by that. She had only been there a couple months, surely that wasn’t an expectation; if it was, it was never conveyed to her in the brief amount of training she received. Regardless, she responded, “very funny, but I’m still driving.”

Jake soured with mock offense, “Seriously, Santiago? You think that my driving is more dangerous than that drug ring you busted last month?”

“I’m a detective. I know that I might die on the force. What I’m absolutely not okay with is dying because some idiot would rather play air guitar than follow basic road safety concepts,” Amy said, crossing her arms. On their last stakeout, they almost lost their perp during his particularly enthusiastic rendition of Lose Yourself.

“Too-shee,” he responded, with a smirk on his lips. He was messing with her. Surely, he wasn’t actually that dumb.

Amy corrected him, “you know it’s pronounced touché.”

“Ok nerd,” he replied, and tossed her the car keys. “But I get to stay on AUX.”

She was a bit taken aback by how quickly he agreed to cooperate with her. “You’ve gotta stay focused,” she added, as she climbed into the car. There was a foul smell that she couldn’t quite place. All the more reason to rush this.

“Of course I am a professional, Santiago,” he said from the passenger seat. He reached into his bag and pulled out a giant pack of Cheetos. “Want one?” he offered. She shook her head in disgust.

“Alright, so the informant, Dragos, said the operation is based out of a pharmacy on Atlantic, I assume that’s where we’re going?” Amy asked, as she started the car.

“Toit, and also holy shit is that his real name?” Jake questioned, eyes wide. “That’s badass.”

Amy frowned. “Did you even read the case file?”

“I skimmed it. Your sentences are all so long!” he complained.

“I’m sorry that I’m thorough and I actually follow procedure. Maybe you should take a cue from me, I mean that’s gotta be why McGintley assigned us to this case,” she said.

Jake laughed at her. “I have the most arrests in the precinct,” he bragged. Amy wanted to bring up that arrests weren’t actually a good indication of community safety, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to articulate the problem to him once more.

“That’s just because you make Boyle do all your paperwork,” she retaliated. “If you did everything you were supposed to, you know that I’d be ahead of you.”

Jake stopped fiddling with the car’s radio, and turned to face Amy. “First of all, Boyle loves paperwork. And for the record, I actually asked the Captain to put us together on this case.”

“Exactly, because you knew I would do all the work,” Amy said, smugly.

“No! It’s ‘cause I knew it was a tough one, and you’re obviously super smart.” Amy blushed a little. She assumed that Jake thought as little of her as she did of him. “Plus, I heard you talking to Diaz about how you weren’t getting any good cases,” he continued. She’s surprised, not at what he noticed, but the fact that he actually cared enough to try and fix her problems. It was true that McGintley was underutilizing her—the other day he had her spend an hour finding an anniversary present for his wife.

“Well, thanks,” Amy responded with an awkward smile. “I didn’t think you cared.”

“‘Course, you’re part of the 99 now. Anything for the squad.” he said. Right, Jake was just doing what any good cop would do for their team. He didn’t actually care about her, at least not enough to not get cheeto crumbs on the seat that she’d have to clean up.

Jake points at the car’s speaker system at the next red light. “Hey, do you know how this works?”

“Do you seriously not know?” she teased. It was a strikingly simple set up.

“Obviously not, or else we’d be listening to my sick beats right now.” Jake said. “My car still uses cassettes exclusively and I fear my mixtapes would cause this lame car to spontaneously combust.”

Amy sighed. “Here, give me your phone,” she told him, and plugged in the audio cable. Immediately music started blaring out of the speakers. She recognizes the opening chords instantly and starts laughing. “Is this what you listen to?” she asked.

Jake started frantically pushing buttons on the dashboard, only making the music louder by accident. “No. I swear I don’t know how this got on here.” Amy grinned. It was so rare that she had the upper hand in embarrassing him and she was already thinking of how to capitalize on it.

“Keep it on,” she said, guiding his hands away from the speaker system before he had the chance to break something. “I like this song.” He leaned back in his seat and helped himself to another handful of Cheetos. Amy returned her focus to navigating the complex puzzle of Brooklyn traffic.

Over the revving motors and honking of angry drivers, she heard him begin to sing along. It wasn’t obnoxiously loud and it didn’t feature impromptu parody lyrics. His voice was surprisingly soft, and she wondered if he was even conscious of his singing. She was perplexed by how he managed to focus on nothing and everything at the same time. How he managed to let loose in the most tense situations. Amy couldn’t even bring herself to have that kind of fun when she specifically scheduled it in her planner.

What the hell, they were still a fifteen minute drive from the pharmacy. She joined in with the chorus. He looked at her with a confused, yet happy, expression, and ramped up his volume, and even incorporated his own dance moves. “Damn, Santiago, didn’t know you had it in you,” he said, after they finished the chorus on a tone-deaf harmony.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Peralta,” she replied, raising her eyebrows with feigned confidence.

Jake chuckled and opened his mouth; she assumed to argue, but instead he just continued the second verse. She didn’t know the rest of the lyrics, and she certainly couldn’t decipher them from the dramatic voices he was adding into it.

“Hey isn’t that our guy,” he interrupted, pointing to a man who was standing by the trash cans on the corner, despite his right of way. Amy paused and took a closer look. Surely enough, their perp, Andrei Volkov, was standing there, waiting for the deal they had been told would occur miles away.

“Oh my god,” Amy said, turning to park their car just out of eyesight.

“Luckily he didn’t seem interested enough in the two adult Taylor Swift fans, to notice we’re a police vehicle.” Jake replied. He leaned towards the trunk window to sneak a better view of their target.

“Do you want to call for backup?” Amy asked. “How many guys are there?”

“Looks like about three, and it seems pretty exposed for back up unless they have access to one of the houses,” Jake said, propping himself back in the seat. “I think we should be good.”

Amy paused for a second. Her instinct was always to air on the side of caution, but Jake had proven himself to be more reasonable than she assumed. “Okay, I trust you,” she said.

“Take my lead,” he instructed, before she could argue, and secured his vest as he left the car. Amy followed him out hesitantly, one hand hovering protectively over her radio. They crossed the street while Volkov’s back was turned. As soon as they made eye contact, Jake whipped out his gun, and cornered him against the lamp post. “NYPD, you’re under arrest.” Amy instinctually dove behind the trash can. Through the grated metal she could see both of Volkov’s men pull their guns at Jake from behind his back. She can’t quite recognize exactly which members of the operation they are. He held one hand on Volkov while he turned to face the others. They kept their guns raised in his direction.

“Here’s the deal, come back to my precinct, and I won’t shoot. I’m all alone out here.” Jake kicks the trashcan Amy is ducked behind. Then twice, to get her attention. And again. The Funky Cold Medina, she realized. Amy felt her heart pounding all the way in her fingers and toes.

“What’s the matter with your leg, pig,” one of the men scoffed. She recognized the voice. Apparently Dragos was more involved in the operation than he led on, and had intentionally given her the wrong address. Amy reached for her gun and jumped up, turning to cover Jake.

“Hey, you’re the lady with the thank you notes,” Dragos said, as he lowered his weapon, “almost made me feel bad for lying to you.”

Amy fixed her eyes in his direction, “yeah well, thanks for nothing.”

“That was a pretty weak comeback, Santiago,” Jake muttered from her side. She shot him a nasty look.

“Your partner’s right,” Volkov added, still struggling against the lamppost.

“Nice try but you’re still arrested,” Jake said, as he reached for his handcuffs and began reciting the Miranda Rights. Amy stared down the other two men in the meantime, instructing them to drop any weapons they’re carrying. They obeyed and placed their guns at her feet. Just as they began to stand up, Dragos punched Amy in the face, his ring leaving a deep gash on her cheek. The metallic taste of blood floods her mouth. Her vision was blurred as tears welled up in her eyes, causing searing pain in the open wound.

Dragos started to bolt but Jake managed to trip him and keep him pinned to the ground. He struggled to handle both perps, however, and Amy watched as the third man ran away. She tried to chase after him, but she was too shocked to make it any farther. “Dragos, you’re coming with me,” Jake said, locking the handcuffs in place. “Amy, I’m calling you an ambulance.”

She was too dishevelled to protest.

That night, Amy’s brother drove her home from the hospital where she received seven stitches. Half her face was still numb from the anesthesia. Still, the second she got her phone back, she sent a text to her partner: “LMK if you need help processing.”

Half an hour later she heard her apartment buzzer go off. She paused her episode of Jeopardy, kicked on her fluffy slippers, and answered it.

“Delivery for Lady Amy Santiago,” Jake said, in a terribly butchered British accent through the phone.

“Come up,” she replied, stifling a laugh. The meds had worn her down enough that she could fully embrace his immature humor.

Three minutes later Jake announced himself with a knock on her door. “Alright, so I got you this. Hope you like shitty diner food because that’s all that’s open right now,” he held up two take out bags. Through the semi-opaque plastic she noticed two liters of the horrible orange soda he spilled on her desk once and still couldn’t get the stain out from.

“Yeah that’s fine,” she said, gesturing for him to come take a seat. She braced herself to be tormented for her decor. Suddenly she realized Jake came all the way to her house for her. He didn’t have to be here. Why was he here? “Thanks, by the way. You didn’t have to do any of this.”

He took a seat on her couch and plopped the bags on her coffee table. She never ate there, it was reserved for drinks, at most, but she didn’t correct him. Especially when he was doing her a favor “I know. I wanted to though. I also finished processing Dragos and Volkov, all by myself,” he said.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Amy asked flatly. She peered into the bag and examined the feast he brought: two cheeseburgers, a plate of chicken tenders, one hamburger, a salad, about three orders of fries, and of course the two orange sodas. For someone who was proudly in debt, he sure spent a lot on this meal.

“Cause it’s my fault you’re like this,” he said. Amy wanted to protest, he made a bad call re-backup, but she could have gotten injured either way. “Also you’re so hopped up on painkillers there’s no way you’ll remember this,” he added, cracking a smile. He really wasn’t capable of a genuine moment.

Amy rolled her eyes at him. “It’s not that much stronger than Advill, and memory loss isn’t a side effect,”

“Hmm,” he frowned, “we’ll see about that tomorrow.”

Amy froze. “I hope you’re not here to try anything,” she said, half joking. Jake was a jerk, but she never thought he would stoop that low. Even still, she couldn’t let her guard down that much.

“Oh, God no, absolutely not. I would never take advantage of you—of anyone—like that. Is that what you thought?” Jake stammered, scooching himself away from her on the couch. He looked as if he had seen a ghost or something, and his messy hair only added to the effect.

“I dunno,” Amy said, “I guess I can’t be too trusting.” She took out a container full of fries and handed him one as a peace offering.

“Right, right, men are a nightmare,” Jake agreed through a mouthful of potato. He even didn’t try to distance himself from “other men”, or go with the “but I’d never do that route”. Her chest was heavy with guilt at the thought of making such an implication.

“No, no, no, it’s fine, really. Sorry for accusing you.” Amy said.

“It’s not fine. And you shouldn’t apologize because that’s a real fear. It’s on me,” he replied. She looked at him with confusion. It was rare for guys to understand that much. “And I’m sorry for being such a dick to you these past few months,” he blurted out.

Amy couldn’t believe that the guy sitting in her apartment was the same one who decided to address her via paper airplane for a week, and only stopped when he ran out of papers on his desk. “Hey I wasn’t much better. I was so obsessed with out-doing you, I never went to you for help—” he shot her an expectant glance,“—also I’m sorry for ratting you out all the time.” He nodded, and helped himself to another fry from her container.

“Why are you so competitive?” he asked through a mouthful of potato. She noticed a bit of ketchup on his chin and reached for a napkin.

“I have seven brothers,” she provided him with the stock answer.

“I know that,” he said, “that doesn’t answer my question.”

She pauses. “My parents were always comparing us, so many siblings meant the bar for anything was set super high, I don’t know, that sort of stuff.”

“But why do you care?” he pushed. She hadn’t ever considered that before. The endless treadmill she shoved herself on was just always there. Even when she knew the goals she set were irrational she would just keep running, because the idea of falling off was so much worse.

“I guess it makes me worried, if I’m not measuring up,” she confessed. “I feel like I did something wrong.”

“You know you’re crazy, right?” he asked, smirking at her.

Amy rifled through the bottom of the takeout bag. “Did they give you any mustard packets?” she asked.

“Nah. But, as your self-appointed guardian angel, I will go to the bodega and get you some,” he said, picking up the jacket he threw on her floral carpet.

“You don’t have to do that, really,” Amy insisted.

He looked back at her as if the very notion were ridiculous. “Amy, you just got injured in the line of duty. If all you want is mustard, you can have all the mustard in the world.”

“Thanks, Jake. You’re a really good friend,” she ventured. She waited for a moment, to see how he would respond, hopefully solidifying their friendship. Maybe she was friendzoning advances she wasn’t even aware of. Maybe he was confused, and he was just doing a nice thing for a coworker.

“You too,” Jake said. However he interpreted all the implications, he didn’t let her know. “When I get back we’re watching Die-Hard!” he added as he rushed out the door. Amy smiled to herself as she heard the lock click into place.

#tropetember #b99 #brooklyn nine nine #b99 fic #brooklyn nine nine fic #jake peralta #amy santiago #tropetember day 1 #peraltiago #peraltiago fic #my fic

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shadowron · 4 years

Text

Vegas, Chummer! Peacekeeper, the adventure for Native American Nations, Vol. 1, for Shadowrun (1st Edition). Part 3.

Catch up on things here:

Part 1: Road Trip!

Part 2: Benny Hill

The runners now find themselves in Las Vegas, which will seem familiar to their hometown of Seattle, what with all the bright lights, tall buildings, and people trying to kill them every half hour.

“It’s time to start working the streets. If this were Seattle, you’d just talk to your regular contacts. Here, you’re a stranger.”

How in the Great Dragon Dunkelzahn is this really supposed to work?

Skipping over to the Debugging section of this Legwork section:

“The only problem that can arise here is that the runners do not check any contacts at all.”

Oh, right, because it has to work in order to move forward with the adventure. A good GM will create some drama and fake some die rolls, but in the end, they’ll drop the next soy crumbs so that the runners can move on to the next ambush.

Alright alright alright. You know I’m just kidding.

There are two ambushes.

Two?? Again? That would be ridiculous.

There are three.

First Ambush: Renraku

Renraku? Was there just a random die roll made?

The players start to pick up on some more details of Jesse John’s jarring juju junta – he has stolen a plot device from Renraku called a McGuffin “tonal generator” that he will later use to… generate tones? Getting ahead of ourselves. Renraku, being the responsible corporate citizens that they are, have dropped a seven-member Field Ops team into the sovereign Ute Nation which I’m sure will have no political repercussions whatsoever.

Plus, they put the jump on the runners at the most amusing time – before the runners have any fracking idea about the tonal generators at all! That’s literally not until the next section.

After the players finish making their third set of new characters, as they, already full of holes and out of ammo from their drive to Vegas, have surely been turned to pulp by the professional corporate hit squad with wired reflexes, partial heavy armor, and SMGs, they can finally move on to the next automatically determined plot point.

The Kokomo.

youtube

There. Now it’s in your head.

This is a North Las Vegas slummy hotel (which, if you’ve been to North Las Vegas, you know is redundant) where they pick up the next set of automatically determined plot points after shooting up some of Jesse John’s goons:

They learn Jesse John might be a toxic shaman

They get a broken tonal generator (hey! Maybe those Renraku folk will return so you can just give it to them? But what are the odds of that happening?)

They get a computer chip with an address to an LTG in the Pueblo Corporate Council

They get a printed note with Jesse’s next location of DASTARDLY DEEDS MUHAHAHAa

This section is funny because it plays like a cutscene – the runners have no choice but to hear expositional dialogue between Jesse’s goons, no matter how they approach. With an ear to the door. Surveilling astrally. Listening from the fire escape outside (seriously! It’s listed as an option!). Then, no matter what happens, the tonal generator must get destroyed, and the PCs must get the note and computer chip. Otherwise the story ends and the players have to go see sunlight.

You can almost see the chapped, Cheetos-dusted hand of the GM reaching down from heaven to shove these things in the runners’ hands, then gently patting them on their way to the next section.

Here the editing gets sloppy and confusing, as references to “Provo”, presumably from an earlier draft, are not fully replaced with “Pueblo”.

They are in Vegas now, part of Ute Nation. The note from Jesse gives the address as:

The LTG address, and really the only reason for the decker to be on this mission at all, is definitely in Pueblo Corporate Council. But when they jack in, still in Vegas, it’s written assuming that they’re in PCC.

“You’re lucky that Pueblo is so fully computerized. Virtually every hotel room has an ISDN jack in the wall, allowing you to access the Matrix.”

When the Trace IC finally hits upon the decker’s location, later in the section, it says a detachment of PCC security soldiers will arrive in 10 minutes. That’s fine, if they’re in Pueblo, BUT THEY’RE NOT IN PUEBLO YET, as the VERY NEXT PARAGRAPH says:

“This is how the scene shapes up if the team is operating somewhere in Vegas.”

So apparently, it only takes 10 minutes for PCC to drop an eight-member hit squad into the sovereign Ute Nation which I’m sure will have no political repercussions whatsoever. I mean, if Renraku is doing it…

(Note: I’m not counting this as an ambush because, honestly, the decker always has it coming)

The GM better have fully read the adventure and see this Provo/Pueblo goof, because otherwise things are going to get weird when the runners want to go to Provo and somehow end up in Pueblo.

The next section has them trying to leave Vegas, only to be…

Second Ambush: the FBI.

Because, again, the Ute Nation – the most pro-Native, anti-everyone else member of the NAN, is a sieve when it comes to allowing strangers into their country to attack shadowrunners.

This FBI team is the one the runners might have met at the Seattle/SSC border if they were too dumb to play Shadowrun in the first place and didn’t try to escape custody. So hopefully this is the first time the team sees them – the two cybernetically enhanced mage Federal Agents (who are given names and Timothy Bradstreet illustrations so they must be important) and thirteen Fast Response Team Troopers (also with wired reflexes, heavy armor, and SMGs), who aren’t even given condition monitors because seriously the runners are going to get turned into a dull red streak on the hot, Vegas pavement by them.

We call ourselves “The Baker’s Dozen”.

But before that happens, the Benny Hill meter gets turned up to eleven with…

Third Ambush: Renraku (again)

The next batch of Red Samurai must have just been air-dropped from Kyoto, because a team of ten Field Ops troopers then show up to compare their wired reflexes, heavy armor, and SMGs with the Feds. I bet they have the same APDS ammo supplier.

The idea here is that, because no one is willing to stop shooting long enough to even attempt an Etiquette roll and try to smooth over this obviously misunderstanding, the runners will be able to make their escape.

Which they will.

Because the plot demands it.

#shadowrun #ute #las vegas #renraku #fbi

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burgerdudes · 4 years

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🍔 Review № 403 ━ 📍 SALT ★★★★☆ • SALT are without a doubt one of the most well-known burger joints in Dubai, and their chromed food trucks and smashed Wagyu sliders have made them internationally known. They opened back in 2014, and have even expanded to other cities such as Abu Dhabi och Riyadh. • Their minimalistic menu contains three sliders; the original with cheese, original sauce and pickles, the Hook burger with cheese sauce, Hook sauce, jalapeños and lettuce and a chicken fillet burger with cheese sauce, lettuce plus Cheetos sauce and crumbs. Each order contains two sliders, so we ordered their double original with two sliders containing double 2 oz patties each for 48 AED (13 USD). We also ordered some fries for 13 AED (3.5 USD). • The burgers and sides came served in sleeves in a sturdy paper box. Everything was meticulously constructed, and the cheese had melted nicely over the smashed patties. The mouthfeel was incredibly soft, and the buttery bun really complemented the flavours. We were impressed by the juicy beef and its excellent crust – a feature we’re always fond of. The fries added to the meal with some great texture and deep potato flavours. • The only real weakness was the ingredient ratio, which is a common problem for sliders. The pickles had a crispy bite and added some much-needed acitidy, but they were too thick and were overpowering. If this had been a regular sized burger it wouldn’t have mattered, but here it was a bit overwhelming. • SALT are a must-visit the next time you’re in Dubai and want to eat a top-notch burger, and they are just a few adjustments away from reaching our top score. ━ @findsalt #burger #burgers #burgertime #burgerporn #burgerdudes #burgerlovers #food #foodie #hamburger #hamburgare #dubai #dubaiburgers #🍔 #🍟 #🇦🇪 (at Salt Dubai Marina) https://www.instagram.com/p/B6krNmulihk/?igshid=1fptx1gypzbd4

#burger #burgers #burgertime #burgerporn #burgerdudes #burgerlovers #food #foodie #hamburger #hamburgare #dubai #dubaiburgers #🍔#🍟#🇦🇪

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artificialqueens · 5 years

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Not Today Satan: A Pizza Me (Biadore) - doctor bitchcraftt

One way Adore might have come up with the name for her tour. Also? She still can’t sew.

Not Today, Satan on AO3

A/N: Part of my Not Today, Satan! series of one-shots (and the occasional two-parter) offering snippets of Biadore. This is one of my earlier fics, and uses drag names / female pronouns. Xoxoxoxo, bitchcraftt

********

For the third day in a row, Bianca pushed open her front door to find Adore making herself at home on the couch with a bag of Cheetos.

Sammy and Dede, the oblivious little creatures, bounced excitedly and demanded kisses before letting her take more than three steps across the threshold. Kicking the front door shut, Bianca paused to pet the babies before turning her attention to the (mostly) welcome guest.

”I could have sworn you have a place less than a block away?”

Adore wiped her fingers on her chest, leaving orange streaks across the black t-shirt. “Yanx! You’re back early. Thought you were gonna meet me at two to go shopping?”

Bianca sniffed the air cautiously, registering the faint smell of weed and noting Adore’s wobbly focus. “It’s two fifteen, and since I already checked your apartment and you weren’t answering your phone, I figured you were either getting crumbs on my couch or out wandering Hollywood Boulevard getting mauled by fans. Also,” she pointed a black-painted finger accusingly, “is that my shirt?”

”Yup!” The shirt was ridiculously oversized on Bianca, but managed to look fashionably fitted on Adore.

“What happened to the tie-dyed monstrosity you fell asleep in last night?”

”Went outside to smoke in it. I remembered not to do it in the house!” Adore added brightly.

Pivoting, Bianca headed into the sewing room, not bothering to check if Adore had followed. “New plan,” she called over her shoulder, “You can practice straight seams, and we’ll go shopping tomorrow.”

”Party!” came the reply from the doorway.

”And for fuck’s sake, put that bag down. Cheetos and fabric don’t mix!”

********

An hour later, Adore’s buzz had worn off and Bianca was wondering if she needed to send her back outside. Two perfect rows of neatly parallel stitches were followed by dozens more crooked lines, skipped stitches, tension problems, and three broken needles.

“B, you know I can’t do this,” Adore whined as the bobbin thread tangled again.

Making a decision, Bianca leaned over her shoulder to flip the power switch and rescued her machine. Thankfully, Juki products were made of sterner stuff than hyperactive drag queens.

“That’s enough for today. Eventually you’ll want to make something that requires more than a pair of scissors and thrift shop rejects.”

Green eyes widened at her beseechingly. “But that’s what I have you for!”

Wisely, Bianca changed the subject instead of issuing what would have been a weak denial.

”Hungry?”

********

All that remained of the pizza was a greasy box on the kitchen table as Adore talked about her planned tour. Bianca watched indulgently as she gestured with the crumpled corpse of three paper napkins wadded in her fist, face animated and eyes shining at the prospect of a solo show.

”I dunno what to call it though. That’s what I need your help with, nothing sounds cool.”

”What have you come up with so far?”

Adore dropped the napkins in favor of peeling cold cheese off the cardboard. “Everything my manager suggested sounded dumb.”

Avoiding eye contact meant she had an idea, but wasn’t sure it was a good one. “You want to call it something, but he didn’t like it.” It wasn’t really a question; this far into their friendship, and Bianca still marveled at her forays into self-doubt. “And don’t feed that to Dede.”

“It’s a pizza party for my fans, like meet and greet but with food. So, like,” Bianca waited patiently while Adore fidgeted with the ice cubes in her glass, “I wanted to call it ‘Pizza and Porn’, but he said no.”

”…well…”

She folded her arms defensively across her chest, and Bianca winced at the thought of how much grease was going to be on her shirt later. Immediately after, she regretted her reaction when Adore clearly misinterpreted it. “See, you think it’s stupid too!”

”It’s not stupid, hey, look at me.” Bianca leaned over the table until their eyes met. “It’s not stupid.”

”You have a better idea?” Adore still sounded hurt, and Bianca chose her next words carefully.

”More marketable.”

********

A week later, Bianca watched Adore’s Instagram announcement for the ‘A Pizza Me’ tour and hit the Like button with a satisfied smirk.

#rpdr fanfiction #bianca del rio #adore delano #biadore #fluff #humor #canon compliant #not today satan #doctor bitchcraftt

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tisfan · 6 years

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One Hand Washes the Other

Title of Piece: One Hand Washes the Other Also on A03 Square filled: A4 - WTF Warning: unrepentant fluff, weird coping mechanisms, first date Pairing: Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes Summary: Bucky doesn’t always eat with the team. It takes Tony a while to figure out why. Created for @tonystarkbingo

Barnes didn’t always join the team for dinner. Tony didn’t always notice when he wasn’t there. At first, it was because maybe Tony was there; they weren’t exactly on friendly terms. But as time went on, and Tony was a rational, reasonable person, the enmity faded. Grew into something like grudging respect, and then grudging admiration. And then, because it was Tony, it might have turned into something like a reluctant crush.

Tony didn’t like to admit that he liked someone; it hadn’t usually worked out well for him. Case in point: Pepper Potts was back on the West Coast again, and sometimes missing her was like an extra hole in his chest, and he was beginning to believe that his emotional make-up was something very swiss-cheese in composition, and he didn’t need any more random aches and pains, thank you very much.

So, Tony tried not to notice when Barnes wasn’t around.

It’s not like Tony showed up to every single one of them, either.

To keep people from fighting about food, team dinners were two different protocols; ordering takeout was on a semi-random, preference oriented schedule. Which was to say, everyone entered in their personal favorites and Friday would select what people were getting for dinner. Which meant pizza was regular, as well as Chinese take away. Burgers.

The other protocol was the cooking roster, because some of the team liked to cook, and others on the team liked to sit down to a home cooked meal. Bruce, for instance, made the words best baby back ribs and absolutely would not tell anyone his secret, even swearing the AIs to secrecy and Friday diligently kept her word (traitor) and refused to allow Tony to access the kitchen camera. Not that Tony could cook, most of the time, but it was the principle of the thing.

But eventually, Tony noticed a pattern, because it was Tony.

The first night they’d done cheeseburgers, Barnes had eaten his portion with a knife and fork. Okay, weird, but a lot of Europeans did that, too, and Barnes had spent a lot of time in Europe. Tony, who drank a lot of his meals (sometimes they were smoothies and sometimes they were booze, and who asked you anyway?) didn’t comment, but Clint did.

And Barnes stopped showing up on burger nights.

He’d never showed up for pizza.

Barnes showed up for chicken one night, but he’d backed up and left in somewhat of a hurry when he saw the containers and realized it was fried chicken, not baked. Clint had waved a drumstick at him, trying to tempt him, but Barnes didn’t even look back.

Tony couldn’t help but notice a pattern after a while.

Barnes never showed up -- or left quickly if he did show up -- when the meal was something eaten by hand. Spaghetti nights, he was as deft with a fork and spoon to twirl pasta against as anyone. He ate epic amounts of steak and potatoes. Raw oysters disappeared like crazy, and sushi was a big hit, but peel-and-eat shrimp or crab legs were right out.

The guy wouldn’t eat popcorn on movie nights, either.

Well, Tony knew all about weird hangups that manifested in odd behavior, and he wasn’t going to call the guy out. Maybe it was some sort of shame-thing about the metal arm, even tho Shuri’s design was top notch, really quite elegant. Or something weird about the way it clicked when he moved it, but… well, it wasn’t Tony’s business, was it?

It wasn’t until one particularly bad bout of engineering fuge where Tony hadn’t slept in days, but had to stagger out of the workshop because he was out of coffee downstairs, and staring at the fabricator wasn’t going to make it run any faster that he actually saw Barnes.

Alone.

[more below the cut]

Sitting in front of the television, watching some late night, black and white, movie marathon and eating out of a bowl.

At first, Tony thought he had some of the left-over noodles -- there were always Chinese noodles of some sort or other in the fridge -- because the bowl was small, he was holding it under his chin, and he was wielding a pair of chopsticks with his left hand. The ridiculous mock up lightsaber kind that Tony had bought from Think Geek, because it was cool, and also because he was a little jealous that he hadn’t thought of it first.

Barnes didn’t take his eyes off the television, dipped the chopsticks into his bowl, and something crunched.

Not like a bamboo shoot, or a water chestnut, either, but…

“Are you eating Cheetos with chopsticks?” Tony couldn’t help but burst out. “Barnes, what the fuck?”

Barnes scrambled to put the bowl down; the chopsticks disappeared like a magician’s trick. “What? I was jus’ watching a movie, can’t always sleep--”

“No, no, that’s fine,” Tony said, waving that away. He knew quite a lot about not being able to sleep. “Can I just ask why?”

“Why what? Why can’t I sleep?” Barnes’s wide-eyed innocent look was both very good and damned endearing, but he wasn’t fooling Tony.

“Why do you eat like that, it’s so--”

“Weird. Creepy. Fucked up. I know.” Barnes heaved a sigh and by the time he was done, he looked somehow smaller and more fragile than Tony had ever seen him. This man, the one in front of him, blushing uncomfortably and fidgeting, that was a man that Tony could call Bucky. Not the cold-blooded killer, or the reluctant Avenger. He rubbed thoughtfully at the palm of his metal hand with the thumb from his right.

“Hey, I don’t let people hand me shit,” Tony said. “I am the last person to give you grief about weird coping mechanisms, I’m just wondering why.”

“Did you know that your computer keyboard has twenty thousand times more germs than a toilet seat?”

That seemed like a non-sequitur if Tony ever head one. Also, pointless. Supersoldiers didn’t get sick.

“There might be a reason I use hard light and projected imagery instead of something as quaint as a mouse and keyboard system,” Tony said. Also, projected imagery was a lot cooler than a clunky board.

Barnes spread his metal fingers to their max extension, all the little plates opening up to allow for the movement. Gold and black, it was gorgeous, and Tony wanted to touch it, poke at it, because, well, he generally had a boner for engineering, even if it wasn’t his own.

“Dust gets caught up in here,” Barnes said. “An’ other stuff.”

Blood, Tony read between the lines.

“There’s no cleaning features? That just seems like a failure in--”

“It was a little easier with th’ old one because there wasn’t a lot on th’ way of actual sensitivity. Used to brush it out with compressed air, but that shit is cold, and this hand can detect temperature extremes,” Barnes shuddered. “There’s coating on the circuits, that makes it waterproof, so like, I c’n wash my hands and stuff. But it’s disturbin’ as hell to wash my hands and see… grease an’ crumbs drippin’ out. Put m’ hand in th’ sewer a few weeks back, durin’ that fight with th’ Wrecking Crew. Took me almost forty minutes t’ wash all the muck an’ grime and other people’s shit out of it.”

“Well, that’s a disturbing image, yes, I can imagine,” Tony said.

“I jus’... don’t like to touch my food with it. And I’m left-handed, so eatin’ right handed is awkward.”

“So, you don’t eat things that you can’t use utensils for,” Tony said.

Barnes’ chopsticks appeared again and he hefted a cheeto and crunched it. “Saw this on one of them videos on YouTube, some girl showin’ how to eat without messing up your makeup, or getting chip dust all over your fingers.”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Tony said, and his mind was already whirring, because that’s what his brain did. Problems existed in order to be solved. Bucky’s chopsticks would work well for small things; chips and french fries and popcorn, but what about pizza? Cheeseburgers?

For that matter, what about raw sewage? No one should have to put up with that inside their bodies, even if Barnes couldn’t get sick, hadn’t he already gotten the short end of the stick with the unwilling body modifications?

“It works, at least,” Barnes said. He crunched another cheeto with pleasure.

Tony got a second bowl out of the cabinet, and snagged a pair of chopsticks. “Mind if I have some?”

“You pay for the groceries,” Barnes pointed out, but he poured out a serving of cheetos for Tony.

“Thanks.”

“What’s this?”

“Add-on,” Tony said, handing over the little disk. “It’s a-- well, consider it a deflector dish. I didn’t get a test audience on the branding, but since it’s only for people with high tech prosthetics, I don’t expect they’ll care what it’s called. Here, it goes on the back of the hand, here--” Tony picked up Barnes’ metal hand without really thinking about it, and the man froze. Tony was standing much closer than he usually did, and when Barnes glanced up at him, they were practically close enough to kiss.

“Right? Then what?” Barnes asked, not pulling back, and his blue eyes went deep and liquid.

“Well, I was studying the princess’s specs, and your arm still has an unreasonable amount of circuit heat, thus the plate mechanism, in addition to flexibility and strength, provides the cooling. So, we can’t quite do without it, yet, but she and I are doing a little collaboration, maybe make Steve Austin Mark III a little less clunky…” Tony said. “But for now… here, come here, and put your hand in this.”

There were not words for the look Barnes gave him, as Tony led him over to a bucket of slime.

“Go on, test it out.”

“I’m gonna make you clean all this shit out,” Barnes threatened.

Tony gave him a smile. “Deal. Put your hand in there, Buckybear.”

Barnes grumbled, but pushed his fingertips into the slime, which hastily shifted and pushed away.

“What th’ fuck?” Barnes -- no, Bucky’s -- eyes lit up, and the smile on his face was beyond joy. Wonder, amazement.

“It’s not very strong, but it extends about an eighth of a millimeter past the plates. Consider it a sort of electrostatic… skin. Works just like our skin,” Tony said. “Keeps all the dirt out, and…”

Bucky swirled his fingers in the slime. “I… can feel that. I can feel it. Not just pressure, not… I can feel that, Tony.”

“Yep, sunshine, that was the plan,” Tony said. He nodded to a cloth on the side of the bucket. “You’ll still have to wash it off, but--”

Bucky wiped his hand free, and then, before Tony was quite aware of what Bucky planned, those metal fingers were stroking down the side of Tony’s skin.

He told himself the tingles that it raised was nothing more than an effect of the electrostatic shield. He was lying, because he’d already tested it, several times, and he knew that there was no way any normal human would detect anything different about Bucky’s arm. That it would just feel like metal, smooth and supple.

“Tony, I can…” Bucky’s eyes filled and a tear spilled down one cheek.

“Yeah.”

“Why?” Bucky pulled his fingers back, rubbed them against his shirt, then held them out again, marveling. “Why-- thank you, but why?”

“Well, mostly, because out of all of us, you deserve to be able to eat a cheeseburger in peace.”

“Thank you,” Bucky said again, and he cupped the side of Tony’s face, as if still enchanted by the way Tony’s cheek felt under his palm.

“You’re welcome,” Tony said.

“Uh, can… will you join me, for a cheeseburger?” Bucky asked. And Tony might not have thought anything of it, except at the very end of the word, Bucky winked.

“Are… you asking me on a date?”

“If I said yes, will you say yes?”

“It’s a date, then,” Tony said.

#tonystarkbingo2018 #tonystarkbingo #winteriron #tony stark #bucky barnes #Bucky's metal arm #fluff

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fk12b · 6 years

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Some more request prompts

So… if you need any ideas for your requests, here you’ve got some more dialogue prompts:

1 - “That’s starting to get annoying”

2 - “Who’s the lucky one?”

3 - “Who’s the unfortunate?”

4 - “Hey, hey, clam down. They can’t hurt you anymore?”

5 - “You can’t just sit there all day!”

6 - “People come into your life for a reason, and so did she/he. You might never figure out what that reason is, but you got the chance to know her/him. Doesn’t that mean something?”

7 - “You little shit!”

8 - “That was weird”

9 - “Missed me?”

10 - “At least she’s/he’s happy to see me”

11 - “I’m to sober for this”

12 - “I’m not here to make friends”

13 - “She/He said shut up to me”

14 - “Not a good sign”

15 - “I need a place to stay”

16 - “Well, that’s tragic”

17 - “You seriously are like a man-child”

18 - “Why do you always have to be such an asshole?”

19 - “If you’re going to keep running your mouth like that, I can think of a few ways to make you shut up”

20 - “Is there any reason as to why you’re getting drunk on a tuesday afternoon?”

21 - “I just don’t wan’t to think for a while”

22 - “You can’t banish me! This is my bed too!”

23 - “Say it again”

24 - “Don’t lie to me”

25 - “I’m sick of being treated like this”

26 - “The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids”

27 - “I didn’t mean like that, and you know it!”

28 - “So this is it!”

29 - “I don’t want to go to bed angry”

30 - “I’m pretty good at providing distractions”

31 - “Don’t touch me”

32 - “Dear Diary...”

33 - “Just sit down and let me take care of you”

34 - “Is that... blood?��

35 - “I’m not saying I want a threesome, but I wouldn’t be opposed to it”

36 - “I just want you to help you relax”

37 - “She’s hiding behind the sofa”

38 - “Does that line ever work”

39 - “You’re the best I’ve ever had”

40 - “Does that feel good?”

41 - “Jealousy isn’t cute on you”

42 - “Don’t call me ‘princess’, asshole”

43 - “I lost our baby”

44 - “I lost our kid”

45 - “They’re so cute when they’re asleep”

46 - “Is that all you’ve got?”

47 - “Is that my shirt?”

48 - “Tell me this is a dream”

49 - “I’d kill for a coffee... literally”

50 - “Let’s keep this between the two of us”

51 - “It’s okay, I’m here”

52 - “I’m not that flexible!”

53 - “You’re getting crumbs all over my bed”

54 - “You don’t scare me”

55 - “What if I say no!”

56 - “Get out!”

57 - “DON’T LOOK!”

58 - “Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion”

59 - “I’ll take the couch”

60 - “Would you stop that?”

61 - “Take my hand”

62 - “What’s the matter, sweetie?”

63 - “So... you think I’m hot?”

64 - “Let’s run. Together”

65 - “What are you doing?”

66 - “You’re Satan”

67 - “You’re Lucifer”

68 - “Hiding”

69 - “Tell me a secret”

70 - “Did I just say that?”

71 - “I don’t want to hear your excuse. You can’t just give me wet-willies”

72 - “Stand behind me”

73 - “Do you know any jokes?”

74 - “I’m bulletproof... but please, don’t shoot me”

75 - “Did you just hiss at me?”

76 - “Are you hungry?”

77 - “Do you really need all that candy?”

78 - “Honestly bae, I don’t give a fuck”

79 - “Sorry I woke you up”

80 - “Did I interrupt something”

81 - “You have pretty hands”

82 - “It’s six o’clock in the morning! You’re not having vodka!”

83 - “I swear, I’m not crazy!!!”

84 - “Do I even wanna know?!”

85 - “Hey just be cool”

86 - “I got you, It’s okay. It’s okay”

87 - “The diamond in your engagement ring is fake”

88 - “How is my wife more badass than me?”

89 - “Be you. No one else can”

90 - “No regrets”

91 - “Sing to me”

92 - “What’s my prize”

93 - “You’re so cute!!!”

94 - “How drunk was I?”

95 - “I’m trying okay”

95 - “I’ll kill you”

97 - “I haven’t slept in ages”

98 - “And then you laughed”

99 - “I need someone to hear me”

100 - “I locked the keys in the car”

101 - “I was having a nightmare”

102 - “I didn’t know where to go”

103 - “Are you sure that’s the decision you want to make?”

104 - “You work for me. You are my slave”

105 - “I know this song”

106 - “OH MY GOOD YOUR EYES!!!”

107 - “Why didn’t you ask me instead”

108 - “It’s about to rain, get inside”

109 - “Take your medicine”

110 - “We can leave, you know?”

111 - “Take me home... please?”

112 - “So... friends?”

113 - “The kids, they ambushed me”

114 - “They’re monster”

115 - “Welcome to fatherhood”

116 - “How could you forget your son’s birthday?!”

117 - “I’m his/her best friend”

118 - “Why can’t you appreciate my sense of humor?”

119 - “I’m trying, okay?”

120 - “It’s your turn to make dinner”

121 - “You have a picture of me? On your fridge?”

122 - “Breathe, okay? Just breathe”

123 - “But I don’t want to leave”

124 - “Sorry isn’t going to help when I kick your ass!!!”

125 - “You look... okay... I MEAN...”

126 - “I knew I’d found you here”

127 - “Stop being so cute”

128 - "All I needed was my friend”

129 - “I feel like I can’t breathe”

130 - “You need to see a doctor”

131 - “You’re getting vasectomy. That’s final”

132 - “It was a joke, baby, I swear”

133 - “I like your new place”

134 - “I’m not lying”

135 - “... how did you know?”

136 - “Dogs don’t wear clothes!”

137 - “It looks like Cruella DeVile drenched in blood”

138 - “I’ll just burn”

139 - “You can only suffer through my whinning for so long, until you get up and make me a sandwitch”

140 - “I didn’t think you could get any less romantic”

141 - “... Kay, have fun that”

142 - “That’s a problem”

143 - “Safety first, what are you? FIVE?”

144 - “I’M ABOUT TO GO SAMURAI JACK ON YOUR ASS!”

145 - “I can’t do that”

146 - “This is girl talk, so leave”

147 - “Are you a clogged artery couse you just made my heart stop”

148 - “Are you insulting me or did you just use the worst pick up line in the world?”

149 - “Tickle tickle, lemon squeezy!”

150 - “Where am I going? Crazy. Wanna come?”

152 - “WHY ARE YOU SO STUBBORN??!!”

153 - “I had a bad dream again”

154 - “Dude, why does it always smell like regret down here?”

155 - “Put those Cheetos away. You will atract humans like seagulls to a hotdog”

156 - They’re not your kids, back the fuck off“”

157 - “You’re not going to starve yourself on thanksgiving”

158 - “The store ran out of Easter eggs”

159 - “Have I mentioned, I fucking hate halloween”

160 - “It’s christmas, don’t be mad at me”

161 - “You’re a nerd”

162 - “I’m late”

163 - “Just get home as soon as possible, okay?”

164 - “You smell like a wet dog”

165 - “Are you going to talk to me?”

166 - “I could punch you right now”

167 - “Welcome back. Now fucking help me”

168 - “If you can’t sleep... we could have sex?”

169 - “STOP INTERRUPTING ME!”

170 - “You’re not insterested, are you?”

171 - “Tell me you need me”

172 - “Oh honey, I’d never be jealous of you”

173 - “Flea markets don’t carry fleas, you know?”

174 - “Here, take my blanket”

175 - “I don’t want you to stop”

176 - “How could I ever forget about you?”

177 - “Fine, don’t say anything and make me worry”

178 - “Stay awake”

179 - “I’m not buying IKEA furniture again”

180 - “You’re bleedig all over my carpet”

181 - “Run for it!”

182 - “Run for your life!”

183 - “We need to talk”

184 - “Not everyone is out to get you. Stop thinking that, it’s annoying”

185 - “I want a pet”

186 - “Just smile, I really need to see your smile right now”

187 - “I’m not going to be sympathetic until you go to a doctor”

188 - “Does he know about the baby?”

189 - “I’m not wearing a dress”

190 - “I’m not wearing a tie”

191 - “Show me what’s behind your back”

192 - “Hold still”

193 - “Enough with the sass!”

194 - “I just ironed these pants!”

195 - “I hope I’m never stuck with you in a desert island”

196 - “Don’t argue just do it”

197 - “It’s a texas thing”

198 - “Quit beating me up!”

199 - “First place”

200 - “That’s all you’ve got?”

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davidcarner · 6 years

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Chuck and Sarah vs the Break Up Ch 4, Modern Day Warrior

A/N: I was asked the other day if I was replacing some of the drama and angst with comedy in this one, and that's probably the best way to describe it. Again, how far we go…(shrugs)…it's fun, I look at an episode, and think, now what would I do. Glad you all like it, but can we talk seriously for a minute, why am I referencing music in every single ch of every story right now? I don't know either, but I do for this one…or the next two, or three. Put your Rush on boys and girls, its Ch 4 Modern Day Warrior.

Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck, and to disagree with Rush, his mind does seem to be for rent…reluctantly of course…

Chuck awoke in his bed, mostly dressed from the late mission last night. He began to change for work, knowing he still had to go to the Buy More, even though he was going to have an amazing cover job soon, and an amazing apartment with an even more amazing girlfriend. He paused for a second, thinking about said girlfriend. He was worried something was wrong with her. He kept hearing strange noises when he was around her and was afraid she might have some serious gastrointestinal problems, that she would be reluctant to share. Chuck shrugged, if crazy gas was Sarah's biggest flaw, he was not going to complain. He sighed, a happy sigh, life was getting better. He walked out of his room, seeing Awesome and Ellie at the breakfast table.

"Are you forgetting something?" Ellie asked. Chuck had no idea. She pointed toward his lip. He reached up, and found the fake mustache.

"Late night, Bro?" Awesome asked. "We heard you stomping around at 4 AM."

"Yeah," Chuck said. "I'm going to love not having to deal with the Buy More soon so if we have one of these I can sleep in a little." Awesome smiled and handed Chuck a glass of green stuff. Chuck was really tired, not thinking, and took a drink. The taste….Awesome was droning on something about yang and it being good for his wang. Chuck shuddered and looked at the two doctors. "So I know this isn't how doctor confidentiality works, but I need to ask you two something about someone and you not tell them."

"What's wrong with Sarah?" Ellie asked, leaning forward, concerned.

"Who said anything about Sarah?" Chuck asked, realizing this might be a bad idea.

"Chuck," she said, looking at him like he was an idiot. "If it was Morgan or Casey you'd just ask, Sarah is the only person you'd try to stealth medicate." Chuck thought for a second and realized she was right.

"Okay, I keep hearing strange noises from around her lately, like a low growl," Chuck said. "I know in the past I told you about her spastic colon, but that isn't true, as far as I know. That was me trying to cover something and not thinking very fast." Ellie was sitting there, amused.

"When do you hear these noises?" she asked, her and Devon sharing a smile.

"The first time, she said she was trying to decide how late we could be for dinner, so I assumed she was hungry," Chuck answered.

"What was going on say ten to fifteen minutes before that?" Ellie asked. Chuck scratched the back of his neck and wondered how he was going to answer it. His ears were starting to turn red. "I need to know to give a proper diagnosis."

"We were talking about all the things we 'despise about each other.'" Chuck said using air quotes. "Like how we tried to stay apart but couldn't due to the things we did to each other."

"What else?" Ellie asked. Chuck looked very uncomfortable.

"You know Sarah is an alias, I told her that it didn't matter what her name was. I knew who she was," Chuck said. Awesome's face was about to burst from the grin, and Ellie was trying not to vibrate out of the chair.

"Chuckster," Awesome said, low and in awe.

"The next time?" Ellie asked, barely able to contain her grin.

"We were at the reunion, and I saw a picture of her from high school," Chuck said grinning.

"How bad?" Ellie asked. Chuck grinned.

"Pretty bad," Chuck admitted. "There were braces, and her hair…Ellie it looked like someone had taken garden shears through them. But, even with all that, you could see it in her eyes, the beauty that was inside her. The beauty that shined through regardless of braces, bad hair days, or anything."

"You told her that?" Ellie asked, Chuck nodded.

"She made me go dance to a fast song, and told me if we wanted to take it slow then we needed to go dance," Chuck said. Ellie had a thoughtful look on her face, and motioned with her hand to continue.

"The third time was at her hotel room," Chuck began. "She had a black eye from the lucky shot her former classmate got in, long story," he quickly added, seeing the questions on Ellie's face. "I told her that Heather had hurt my girl, to which I explained, I didn't mean that possessively, but that she was the one I cared about and wanted to protect."

"You should teach a class," Devon said, almost in awe.

"What?" Chuck asked, confused.

"It's just Chuck being Chuck," Ellie said, proud of her brother. "One question, and I don't need graphic information, but exactly how far has your and Sarah's relationship progressed?" Chuck stuck his hands in his pockets and sighed.

"El, it's not fair to her," Chuck said. "She's my permanent handler. If we were to be together and then break up…" he said with a shrug.

"So you're going slow?"

"For her sake," Chuck replied.

"It's your idea?" she asked. Chuck nodded. Ellie returned the nod with the biggest grin. "I'll talk to her, don't say anything to her. I think I know exactly what will fix her problems," she said, with a look Chuck couldn't read.

"Okay," Chuck said. "Well, on to the 'job.'" Chuck said using air quotes. He left and Ellie sat there smiling.

"El, I hope for your sake, their walls are soundproof," Awesome said with a grin. Ellie chuckled.

"The poor fool has no idea," she said. "Casey, this entire conversation better never get to Beckman or Sarah." Two minutes later, the front door opened and a dvd came flying in. The door closed, footsteps were heard running away, and a car sped off.

"You're kinda hot when you scare him like that," Awesome said grinning. Ellie grinned at him.

"You know you always think I'm hot," she replied. Awesome shrugged in agreement.

}o{

Chuck wandered into work and noticed things were a little…odd today, which was saying a lot, because it was the Buy More. Everyone seemed to be working a little harder.

"Bad day to be late, Buddy," Morgan said.

"Late night," Chuck replied, grinning.

"Lover's tryst, say no more," Morgan replied then thought. "Unless you care to give a few tawdry details?" Chuck kept working, grinning. "There's an efficiency guy who been looking for you, so if he asks, you have gallstones." Chuck looked up.

"Now I know how she felt about the spastic colon," Chuck said. "I think he's behind you, Morgan." Morgan scurried off before Emmet could say anything. Emmet approached Chuck.

"We finally meet, Chuck," Emmet said. As he shook Emmet's hand he saw a bald man standing in the Buy More holding a picture, and Chuck flashed. Emmet watched him. "Are you okay?"

"Nope, gallstones," Chuck muttered. "I need to go see Casey."

"Why do you need to see Casey?" Emmet asked.

"He keeps my gallstone medicine so I don't OD," Chuck said scurrying away…right into the man he flashed on.

"Do you know this guy?" the man asked, showing a picture of Jeff from the 80s.

"No, I'm afraid I don't," Chuck replied, terrified, and confused.

"He's a Buy More employee," the man countered.

"Have you checked our other 13 locations?" Chuck asked. The man grunted and left. Casey walked over.

"Now what, moron?" Casey asked.

"We need to get my gallstone medicine from Castle, I just had an attack," Chuck said. Casey looked at him for a second.

"That's not bad, kid, too bad you're leaving here," Casey said. Chuck looked around and saw Jeff licking Cheetos crumbs out of the bag.

"It's a real shame," Chuck replied.

}o{

"Farrokh Bulsara," Casey said, tossing the classified folder down on the desk. Chuck always wondered how they got those folders so fast. "He's been hopping between training camps from Syria to Somalia."

"Why would a terrorist want Jeff?" Chuck asked.

"You need to approach, Jeff," Sarah said.

"You sure, Walker? Jeff tried to kiss your boy toy just a few days ago," Casey said.

"He probably doesn't remember it," Chuck said. Casey grabbed the remote and hit play on the monitor. It was Jeff sitting in the home theater room.

"He has such supple lips, Lester," Jeff said.

"Really? Chuck?" Lester asked. Casey hit pause, and Chuck just stared at him

"You seriously had that qued up?" Chuck asked. "You know I may never sleep again." Sarah gave Casey a look.

"Getting awful good at running surveillance aren't you, Casey?" Sarah asked. Chuck raised an eyebrow and grinned at Casey. He grunted. "Speaking of which, is that Ellie I see?" She hopped up and went upstairs.

"Sarah, can we talk?" Ellie said when Sarah came out of the storeroom. "Alone?" she asked, looking at the surveillance camera. Casey quickly shut down the feed.

"Not polite to spy, Chuck," Casey said. Chuck just stared at Casey.

"Really?"

"So do you and Chuck have plans tonight?" Ellie asked.

"No, Chuck is going to have to hang out with Jeff tonight," Sarah said.

"Please tell me that Nerd Herd, creepy, serial-killer Jeff, is just a cover and he's a regular person," Ellie begged. Sarah pursed her lips and shook her head. Ellie sighed. "You and I, tonight, we talk."

"Ellie, can I be honest?" Sarah asked. Ellie nodded. "I've stopped revolutions with a fork, I've fought off dozens of men at the same time. I've jumped out of buildings with no parachute or safe landing zone, but none of them scare me more than the prospect of tonight. I'm not good at this kind of stuff." Ellie gave Sarah her Bartowski smile, and Sarah felt much better.

"Tonight, I'm going to get to know my sister," she said. Sarah's eyes got big. Ellie gave her an amused look. "He may not have a clue, but I do," Ellie said, patted her hand, and left. Sarah smiled watching her leave.

}o{

Sarah made her way to Ellie's while Chuck and Jeff had a guy's night in the theater. Casey told her that all surveillance was off, so whatever lady feelings the two talked about was between them. Ellie greeted her with a hug, and had wine waiting. They sat on the couch, and Sarah still looked a little nervous.

"Sarah, I want to apologize," Ellie said.

"What for?" Sarah asked.

"For raising a guy so clueless," Ellie said. Sarah gave her a confused look. "This morning Chuck wanted to know if there was a reason he was hearing noises around you." Sarah fought a blush, but was losing. "I think he thinks its something gastrointestinal and I didn't correct that assumption. I asked him what was said before hand, and I'm pretty sure I know what's going on."

"At least one Bartowski does," Sarah grumbled. Ellie laughed.

"Sarah, I know you think a lot of him, I know you think he's a great guy, but we need to be real honest about something, he has flaws," Ellie said.

"Ellie," Sarah began. Ellie held up her hand.

"Look, I've been thinking about the type of men you've probably been around, and my guess is Chuck treats you like a queen compared to them…even when he's clueless, he does nice things, I get it," Ellie said grinning.

"I've never met anyone so thoughtful," she said.

"He is, but he's also a bit of a worrier," she said, noticing the look on Sarah's face. "Okay, a lot of a worrier, and he wants to talk about his feelings, a lot, but when he doesn't, he clams up." Sarah nodded. "He also is very self-deprecating." Sarah had a sad look on her face. "He was hung up on a girl for five years, and she wasn't even in your league." Sarah wanted to protest, but Ellie stopped her. "That's the other problem, you can't see how amazing you are."

"How are you so sure I'm amazing," Sarah said. "I'm a CIA agent, I'm very good at my job."

"Sarah, I figured out you're in love with him," Ellie said. Sarah looked down and grinned. "Chuck said you had a tough past, and you even told him you had baggage. You two are great together, but you two SUCK at communicating."

"I suck at communicating," Sarah corrected. Ellie shook her head.

"No, he does stuff a lot of times to avoid confrontation," Ellie explained. "He puts others needs in front of his own." Sarah had to agree with that. "You two are being forced together, and all he's thinking about is what he thinks you need. You need to tell him what you need."

"Like what?" Sarah asked. Ellie gave her a look.

"You're gonna make me say it, aren't you?" Ellie asked.

"Say what?" Sarah replied, confused.

"Sarah, he thinks he's invading your personal space, he thinks you two should go slow because it will be hard on you if something goes wrong, he thinks you're doing what he wants to save him from the bunker," Ellie said. Sarah couldn't help the amused look on his face.

"He actually requested we go slow," Sarah said.

"Have you told him you don't want to?" Ellie asked. Sarah shifted uncomfortably in the seat. "By the way, that's not a denial." Sarah grinned at her.

"I love the guy," she said softly, shaking her head, tears coming to her eyes. "He's flipped my entire world upside down and there is nothing I can do about it."

"Nope," Ellie said, taking a sip of wine and grinning. "Love doesn't care what you thought, what you thought you wanted, or how you thought you'd want to do things. It just kicks the door down and flips your world. All you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride."

"Thanks, Ellie," Sarah said. "He and I need to talk." Ellie nodded.

"I hate to do this, but I have to ask you something," Ellie said. Sarah nodded. "Everything he's doing, should I be worried about him?" Sarah thought for a second.

"You know, um," Sarah began. "Chuck is like a duck." Ellie looked confused. "Sometimes he seems like he is gliding along, just doing nothing, but underneath the surface, his little feet are paddling. Whether it be saving Morgan at the Buy More, or using the Intersect, or even saving Casey or I."

"What about Stanford?" Ellie asked. Sarah gave her a confused look. "He's only 12 credits short of graduating."

"He is?" Sarah asked, thoughts jumping into her head. She gave Ellie a smile.

"Sis, what are you up to?" Tears popped into Sarah's eyes again. "I'm sorry, Sarah."

"No, don't you dare apologize," Sarah said. "I've never had a sister, I've never thought I'd be close to anyone to be called that, and it just took me by surprise. In a good way." Ellie came over to hug her, and that's when the door opened, Chuck carrying Jeff with Casey behind him. He turned and whacked Jeff's head into the doorframe.

"Don't worry, this guy's feeling no pain," Chuck said. He summed up the evening, as he deposited Jeff on the sofa. Jeff turned to Ellie.

"You take the blonde, I'm gonna take a crack at the brunette," he said, and grabbed Chuck's tie to pull him down for a kiss. Chuck yelped, and Sarah pulled Jeff's hand away. Jeff collapsed.

"You're not going to leave him here are you?" Ellie asked.

}o{

The next morning in Castle, Casey was smiling, which scared Chuck to no end.

"Are you as worried as I am?" Chuck whispered to Sarah.

"He's just thinks Ellie's madder at you than him," Sarah said.

"Why would Ellie be mad?" Chuck asked. "I got Jeff out with no problem. Although she did start on me about Stanford this morning."

"Really?" Sarah replied. "She just worries about you."

"And finding out the truth about my job isn't making it easier on her is it?" Chuck asked. Sarah shook her head no. Chuck sighed. "Okay, I swore I wasn't going to be that guy but when your sister and your girlfriend get together a guy tends to get worried." Sarah gave him an amused look.

"Do you think you've done something?" Sarah asked.

"No, but let's admit I'm clueless, especially in relationships, and I don't want to screw this up, because I lo-like you more than I probably should in relation to the amount of dates we've had." Sarah moved her jaw around thinking about what he said. She shoulder bumped him.

"Same," she said, taking a drink of coffee, looking innocently over the cup at him.

"HA!" he said, knowing he was beaten.

"Bartowski, can you and Walker mix your peanut butter and chocolate later, we've got work!" Casey yelled. Chuck kissed her on the cheek.

"Any word on the apartment?" he asked, getting up to leave.

"Soon, is all I keep getting," she said. She grabbed him arm, and pulled him into a kiss. After he was properly discombobulated, she let him go. "Have a good day."

"I really like the new Intersect arrangement," Chuck manage to say heading up the stairs. Casey came over beside Sarah watching Chuck to see if he actually got up the stairs.

"He still has no clue," Casey said. Sarah shook her head.

"Nope," she said popping the "p". She turned to him with the amused grin. "Don't make me tell Ellie you listened.

"We gotta get you and the nerd in that apartment soon," Casey said walking up the stairs, and headed to the Buy More. Sarah was suddenly spun and found herself being kissed senseless by a certain nerd. When she was thoroughly confused and befuddled, Chuck pulled away, grinning at her.

"I'm so glad there's a back entrance to Castle, I just had to make sure my girlfriend was kissed properly this morning," Chuck said. With that, he started to leave, when he heard the noise again. He turned around to say something, just as he was hit by a blonde blur. He found himself on the ground, her kissing him like her life depended on it. "Those noises were you?!" Sarah's phone rang.

"DAMN IT!" she yelled, and answered it. "Walker, severely compromised," she growled.

"Send your boytoy back to work, Jeff is here and he needs to proceed with the mission," Casey said, but not as gruffly as he used to.

"Why are you being nice?" she said. He grunted and hung up. She stared at Chuck. "You and I." She kissed him. "Need to have." Kissed him again. "A very looonng talk." Then she kissed him like she would die if she didn't. Chuck was officially broken. She got up, pulled him up, and pushed him in the direction she came. "We're going to talk."

"Talky good," he said, stumbling away. After he left, she got out her phone and made a phone call. She explained her reasoning for her request, and it was agreed. Sarah smiled, that was one problem down, now to have a talk with Chuck. That…that was going to be difficult…but so worth it.

A/N: Still fun!

Til next time!

#Chuck #Sarah #Charah #fanfic #fanfiction #Chuck and Sarah #vs the Break Up

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myartandsoul · 6 years

Photo

Problem? *eye twitching* I don’t really know... *scratching arm erratically* what you could be talking about... *pulling Cheeto crumbs out of shirt* honestly I’m perfectly fine... *continues scrolling*

#riverdale #jughead jones #archie andrews #betty cooper #veronica lodge #wow #i have a problem

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tatooedlaura-blog · 7 years

Text

Cheezy Pouffs

the series read as follows:

Superman … Monday

_____________

Contain words and thoughts deemed innappropriate for those under the age of appropirate inappropriateness ...

_____________

She was all set and dressed for another day of work when the call came in. Overnight, they’d picked up the suspect, meaning no more bodies, no more scalpels, no more Dana in scrubs and masks. Happily, she went back to sleep for another hour before heading to the station to wrap up her end of the paperwork. While waiting on a final signature of somebody she couldn’t remember the name of, she used the power of her government agency and got herself on a flight leaving at four that afternoon, which put her back Washington at the ripe old time of 1am. Deciding to withhold that information from Mulder for surprise sake, she waited impatiently to leave, to board, to fly, to drive until she reached his apartment.

Fleetingly, she wondered when she’d get to sleep in her own bed, in her own corner of the universe but then, grabbing her carryon, she found herself grinning at the prospect of sleeping in his. She moved in silence, taking her shoes off once she got off the elevator, not wanting her heels to click him awake, preferring to surprise him in other, more entertaining ways.

She never should have worried about waking him up with the sounds of her hallway walk, given even before she slid her key in the lock, she heard noise. Figuring it had to be the TV while he dozed on the couch, she opened the door, put her luggage in first, then pushing it the rest of the way, stopped dead when she saw Frohike, Langly, Byers and Mulder all turn in unison towards her, holding handfuls of playing cards, empty Cheeto bags and beer bottles littering any and all flat surfaces.

Mulder was the first to stand, immediately tipping sideways and grabbing Frohike’s balding head to keep his balance, his cast having slipped on a forgotten pretzel bag, “Scully?!”

Standing there, she had absolutely no idea where to go or what to do, given she had her luggage at her feet, her blouse three buttons to the wind, her shoes in one hand, her keys still dangling from the other. Her mouth, she felt, had opened in surprise but she couldn’t seem to shut it, instead gaping like a fish, not able to come up with a single word to explain her ‘I’m home and here to spend the night’ stature.

The Gunmen, once they stopped throwing each other triumphant looks out of the corners of their eyes, began to stand, poised to clean up the game and run like hell from the house, to dance in the hallway in ecstatic jubilation that at least one of them might be getting some kind of sex in the future. She stopped them, however, holding up a hand, “wait. Keep you game. I’m going to head back home. I just came by to … to check on Mulder’s leg. Make sure he hadn’t done anything stupid while he was away.”

Mulder’s face broke into a grin, eyes never leaving hers even though hers tried to escape his gaze, “actually, boys, get out. I’ll clean up and cash you out later.”

Langly, because he was Langly, “how are you going to remember who’s who?”

“I’ll write it down, now get out.”

“But I started with …”

Mulder gave Frohike a look, who in turn shoved Langly out of his chair, “come on, Goldilocks, mom and dad want some alone time and they don’t give a rip about your money at the moment.”

Wanting to both smack and kiss the man, Mulder simply stood, waiting while coats were pulled on and boots were tied. Each of the three Gunmen respectfully tipped hats or nodded as they filed by Scully, careful to keep their amusement to a minimum lest she kill them with two fingers and a high heel. Once the door closed behind her and she locked it with a twist and a tug of the handle, she turned back towards him, sheepish look abounding, “I really should go. I didn’t mean to interrupt your game.”

With shoulders raised and arms out in a conciliatory gesture, “what game?” Giving a nod towards the footwear still dangling from her fingers, “would you please put those down and come here so I can kiss you?”

Clattering shoes signaled her obedience and, after weaving through the sea of bottles, she made it to him, “sorry for crashing the party.”

“Sorry I didn’t know you were coming. I’d have at least showered and not had Larry, Daryl and Daryl here for embarrassment factors.”

The next thing he heard was her chuckle before her lips tentatively brushed his, hesitant and upturned, a full-on grin moments away, tongue then wetting both mouths before she came in again, hesitancy gone as her body pressed against him.

Standing there, in the well-lit room, the smell of Fritos hanging in the air, the fish tank burbling in the background, she moved her hand to his hair and just starting to glide her fingers through it, she ran into a stray chunk of something dusty and crunchy, something resembling a Cheezy Pouff and removing it, indeed found a Cheezy Pouff. Pulling away from his mouth, she was highly amused he followed her nearly two inches before he woke up from his stupor, realizing she wanted to speak. Giving her a slow smile, eyes half-shut, lips warm and wet, “where’re you going?”

Stepping half a foot back, she held out the food formerly trapped in his hair, “did you have a food fight?”

Mulder immediately ran his hands over his head, “shit, I thought I got all those. Yeah, well, Byers threw what he thought was an empty bag at my head but there were some crumbs left. Apparently, I missed some in the cleanup process.”

She couldn’t get past Byers doing something so … un-Byerly, “was he drunk or drugged at the time?”

“No. Just pissed that I had the Jack he was looking for. Cards turn him into a completely different person, a mere mortal if you want to get down to name calling.”

With a smile, she pointed down the hall, “shower, Mulder. I don’t need to be finding snacks in the mattress.”

Eyebrow cocked, “so, staying the night?”

“Just go shower.”

He clunk-stepped his way quickly towards the bathroom while Scully debated for roughly 4 seconds about cleaning up, then said a mental ‘fuck it’ and moved to the bedroom, under the covers in record time, enjoying immensely a mattress that didn’t reek of hotel/motel/don’t ask, don’t tell.

&&&&&&&&&

Nearly 2:30am by the time he turned off the last light in the living room, he did his best to walk quietly to bed, figuring she had to be dead asleep by now. Shuffling in behind her, the first thing he registered was skin.

Not the type of skin that appears because the tanktop shifted slightly off her shoulder or the pajama pants scooted down her hip a little but honest-to-God vast expanse of smooth-as-silk skin running from peaked shoulder blade through deep dip in the back to upswell of ass. One-quarter of a heartbeat, half a breath, a twitch of a muscle later and his mouth was by her ear, “you are beautiful in the dark.”

A hitch in her ‘thank you’, muffled by baited breath, pulled him to her mouth, supple, open to him, waiting for years of memories, years of stares and gazes and endless, utter flirtatious nonsense to finally find its end game. He moved away however, after one frustrating little graze of his tongue against her and she nearly pounded the mattress in frustration at his departure, until she stupidly realized he was only moving to get his clothes off.

Her embarrassment would have normally turned her red, flustered her, made her apologize but before any thoughts could form beyond, ‘come back … comeback … comebackcomebackcomeback’ he was indeed back, the weight of him on her, his boot knocking her ankle, his bony knee sinking in the bed beside her thigh. It was a welcome and dreamed of heaviness and it sent her clit thrumming, muscles tightening at the thought of the next two minutes to 75 years of pure, mind-addling sex with him.

Problem was, he focused first on her mouth, which was wonderful, his hands moving over her gently, reverently … then he drifted down to her neck, which escalated things quite a bit … then to her collarbone, shoulder, crook of elbow and delicateness of wrist, fingertips and palm, ribcage and finally upward curve of breast … hot breathe on cool skin, moist lips on fevered flesh …

She’d had enough.

“Mulder, you know,” his mouth suckling, “how much I love,” hand holding breast, “you and appreciate you taking things,” lips moving slowly over breastbone, “slowly but I’m going to be,” thigh running lightly against thigh, “crude for a moment, if that’s all right?”

Nodding into the dip in her neck, which she’d arched back, giving full access to throat and hollow, “I like crude at times.”

She took his face in both hands, pulling him up and away so she could look at his face, “I need you to fuck me … right now. I vote for all the foreplay in the world, hours upon hours of touching, kissing, licking, sucking, the whole nine yards … later … but right now, I need you to fuck me like there’s no tomorrow, any position, anywhere, I don’t care … I just need you to fuck me.”

He had never laughed so hard in his life, in bed or otherwise and collapsing on her, body shaking as he gasped for breath, “holy shit … when you said crude, I just … I had no idea …” He then felt her chuckle, her inhale erratic and her exhale filled with giggles, her arms sliding over his back, kneading the muscles she found, her hands finding his well-sculpted ass after a moment and pulling him flush to her.

It was, however, her whispered, “I wasn’t kidding,” that calmed him enough to kiss her, position himself and slide his way in, full length, quick, deep and hard.

Her answering gasp, still flirting with giggles, made him grin, “I never thought you were kidding … I just never expected you to order me around in bed.”

With each thrust, she lost more of the English language, sentence structure collapsing under the chuffing of breath, the thwapping of skin, the rhythmic creak of the bed, all of which became faster, more urgent as the seconds passed. She lost color next, room darkening, her vision tunneling under the building pressure between them. Mulder blurred, spun, she shut her eyes against the sheer ecstasy of him inside her, around her, surrounding her.

His hand suddenly between them, thumb on clit, balls swinging a rhythmic beat against her, she came, eyes sparking behind closed lids and breath held, clenched fists pulling sheets off the corner of the mattress, cloth tangling as her head twisted, a low moan escaping into the pillow, her muscles pulling him along with her, milking every last drop until his head fell against her breast, pillowing him as he grasped for a lungful of air.

&&&&&&&

Eventually, her world re-focused, eyes open, sense of Mulder’s weight comfortably atop her. Looking over his shoulder, she smiled, then nudged his forehead with her chin, “hey, you awake?”

An acknowledging, muffled ‘yeah’ reached her ears, then he lifted his head, “’sup?”

Her grin grew, “second, we will address the use of ‘sup in bed over breakfast tomorrow but first, have you noticed your leg at all?”

Eyebrows scrunching in the illusion of deep thought, he responded in beautiful Mulder-fashion, “yes, because who gives a flying crap that the love of my universe is naked beneath me when I have a leg and holy mother of pearl, it’s attached! … no, I have not noticed my leg.”

Now she laughed, a low reverberating chuckle that carried its way through Mulder’s chest, “smart-ass. No, I mean, did you realize that I’m pretty sure we just had some fairly, well, astronomically good sex, to continue your space theme, and during it, you had your casted leg sticking up in the air the entire time?”

Looking over his shoulder as well, he nodded his surprise, “huh. Must have kept it up so it didn’t rub on you. That would explain why my knee’s aching like it is.”

Immediately, she slid up and over, helping him lay down on his back, his relieved groan hitting her ears, “oh, I’m sorry. I should have been on top.”

Mulder grabbed her face, pulling her down to kiss him, “you say the nicest things in bed.”

As she swung her leg over his hips, “once again, not kidding.”

#msr #Life part 2 series #the sex #the gunmen #the cheezy pouffs #xfiles fanfic #xf fanfic

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canaryatlaw · 7 years

Text

Today was interesting. Not sure if I'd classify it as good or bad, because it wasn't really either. It was fine, just....interesting. Wake up at 7, go to work. I have literally nothing to do all morning, so I look over my stuff for trial ad tonight, review and edit the mock trial stuff, read fan fic, and finish reading the abuse/neglect section of the juvenile court act (which is the entirety of the law that governs our proceedings). So that was kind of less then thrilling. Eat lunch, and on my way back to my desk after sticking my lunch box back in the fridge (because it still contained my dinner which required refrigeration) the lady that had me on the wild goose file hunt last week passes me and asks if I can order a copy of that birth certificate we couldn't find. I said sure, but that I have no idea how to do that, and she said one of the paralegals can show me. So I go to knock on the paralegal's door, and nobody is there. Ugh. So I'm just kind of chilling out for a little while. I can hear my supervisor getting in and out of phone calls, and I manage to slip in between some and tell him I don't really have anything to do, so he says he wants me to work on this motion for him, saying it's this case where the mom had 4 kids in custody and got them back, then the 4 year old starved to death over the summer and......at this point I go oh, I know this case. It's the child death case that was all over the place in the media over the summer with the super insane set of facts. This is like, a super high profile case. I've actually periodically looked it up online to find out if the murder charges have come down yet, so far nothing but as far as I know they're still in custody for arson/improper disposal of a body. If you don't remember me talking about this case (and I imagine you probably don't because even if you read these I talk about a lot of cases) it was where the 4 year old starved to death and two days later the mom gave birth to twins at 32 weeks, then two days later with the twins in the NICU she goes and wraps their brother's body in clothes and plastic bags and attempts to set it on fire in the basement of an abandoned building, and gets caught doing so, accompanied by her neighbor and lover, who is the father of the twins, and oh yeah, is 17 years old. And of course it's a shit show for DCFS because the kids had been in care and were returned to the moms custody, and then there was a child death, which means there's gonna be a huge investigation into who dropped the ball there, because chances are somebody did. So anyway. This motion is for adjudication coming up. Under certain circumstances, the state can move up termination of parental rights to happen at adjudication (as opposed to having to wait 9 months), and one of those circumstances being the death of a sibling at their parent's hand. So because they're pushing for termination they want the foster parents to testify, but apparently the foster parents are afraid to do so because apparently the bio family has some gang connections and they fear retribution for "taking the kids away." How legit this fear is I have no idea, and in all likelihood they probably wouldn't be in danger, but nonetheless they want to see if they can testify in chambers, so we were writing a motion requesting it. I had a memo of all the related cases that one of the paralegals had drawn up, so I just had to draft it into a motion, which wasn't too hard, so far at least. There weren't any cases exactly on point, meaning there's no precedent for allowing foster parents to testify in chambers, but there's a variety of cases that have pieces of the overall theory, like one that states the absence of the right to testifying in chambers in a statute doesn't indicate it should be denied, and the juvenile court act contains some great language that you can basically make any argument as long as it's framed in the best interest of the child, there's a good chance it'll get through. So I start writing the motion, and I notice myself using the stuff I picked up in LARC, except this was SO much easier because there wasn't a formula I had to follow, I could call the shots and write what I thought made sense to me with the information I had, not squish that information into a preset formula. And like, as glad as I was that it was coming easy to me, I couldn't help being frustrated by LARC being what it is and being so obnoxious, something I'm going to try to bring up with my prof when we have conferences on our assignment next week, and hopefully she'll agree or see some merit to it. I worked on the motion for the rest of the day, getting about 3 and a half pages written spanning 3 cases. There are a few other points I'm planning on making, then it can be finalized and sent to the parties, and will be up for argument at the next court date of February 28th, where I can argue it in court, which is a bit of a scary thought just because of how high profile the case is and how many parties are involved, but it should be a simple enough argument and I have plenty of time to prepare for it, so it should be fine. I definitely got a little thrill from my name officially being on the record on the motion, next to *the* public guardian for the county (like *the* states attorney and then a bunch of ASA's) and my supervisor haha, that made me happy. End of the day I headed out, catching the bus to the train to the other courthouse downtown. I had a different kind of bun for my sandwich this time that made it a lot easier to eat, because it didn't get crumbs everywhere and it also wasn't fucking huge (the last ones legit wouldn't fit into a sandwich bag) so that at least was a nice discovery. The sheriffs at the downtown courthouse are like, so much nicer than at the juvenile courthouse, they like waved me on through and didn't bother checking me even when I set off the metal detector (like I do every single time I go through a metal detector). So that was nice at least. Got to the courtroom and chilled out and waited for our prof. This week was based on objections, and I had been assigned to write two directs and one cross, and to be the witness on one problem, with getting picked for one or two of the directs/crosses (but you have to prep for all of them). The first one took forever to get through, and the girl doing it made some really bad flubs about hearsay like "but he heard it so he can testify to it!" and "it's not hearsay because it was his statement!" and she's also a 3L so that's kind of cringeworthy, lol. Then I was up as the witness for the second problem, and of course as with every opportunity I get to play a witness I'm gonna have a good time with it. It was a pretty basic fact pattern with this lady slipping on ice in a store parking lot and suing the store, so I decide this lady's gotta be like pushing 90, and definitely has an New York Yiddish old lady accent, which came out as a super natural reaction to the problem without me formulating that objective, lol. And oh, it was a riot. Everybody was cracking up, and I got so many good lines in there that were just totally ridiculous but didn't detract from the case in any way (like saying my grocery bags were filled with Cheetos, one for the crunchy and one for the puffs) and I had a very good time with it, so I was satisfied for that haha. Short break, then next problem that I got to watch until the last one where I got to do cross, so I definitely lucked out on assignments there. We were like, really pushing the time limit at this point, and of course our prof is like, breaking down every question on direct and walking him through every step, and I'm just sitting there staring at the clock on the wall approach and then pass 8:30 before I even get to get up from the table....sigh. I mean, it was a complicated hearsay problem with lots of things to be explained, but still, it was getting a little ridiculous. I do like our prof though, this is the female judge since we switch between two every other week, and I can tell she really likes me, haha, pretty much everything I do is met with praise like "excellent" and she got really hyped when there was an argument over admitting a criminal conviction and I was the only one that caught that battery isn't always a felony, and if it's not a felony it's inadmissible. Of course I only knew that because we'd had that exact conversation at the beginning of the year with the mock trial tryout problem, but I still felt successful and smart for pointing it out, and she definitely loved it. I finally got to do cross, kept it nice and short and effective, then continued to bug the other lawyer on redirect with objections (which the prof also loved, haha). After that we finally got to go home. I got home around 9:40 or so, not bad for being held over, and I immediately turn on legends. This may be a somewhat abbreviated review because my eyes want to close right now, but we'll see. It was an interesting episode. I saw at least one online reviewer saying it was the best episode of the series so far, which I don't agree with. It didn't really feel like a legends episode to me, but I still definitely enjoyed it for what it was. I just wanted more of our lovable time losers, of course. But the villain plot between the 3 of them being fleshed out was super interesting, as was the explanation of what Eobard is after and the introduction of the black flash chasing him. I have to ask of course, WHERE THE FUCK IS SNART!?????! I was told he was gonna be a part of this villain group and there's only so many episodes left in the season, ya killing me here by dragging it out this line. But the Stein/Lily plot was adorable and well played, Stein really pulled it off in the end there. And it's good to see the legends are actually figuring out what the legion is up to and make a plan to fight them. Phil continues to slay me, and while I'm sure we'll get Rip back at some point (especially with tonight's revelation that there's a copy of his memories) but I really just want to keep Phil at this point. I giggled at the "fixing Rip's flaws" line, especially when that turned out to mean making him kill George Washington (because ?! Evil bad guys??? This will totally serve their purpose??!!???). So yeah, overall pretty good, just give me Snart already. I did watch the episode of the flash that came out tonight after, but I'm too tired to recap my thoughts on it right now and I didn't have all that many interesting ones anyway, so I'm gonna end this here and get to bed. Goodnight my friends. Keep on keeping on.

#daily journal #January 2017

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