#Coping with suicide

[cemeterything]

shrue: oh btw they're planning to legalise the trawlerman as a cover for committing war crimes

carpenter: lmao i bet the look on faulkner's face right now is priceless

meanwhile, faulkner:

[charlunday]

it's okay to be sad. 💛

[purpurussy]

charli xcx's critically-acclaimed album BRAT (2024) is something that can actually be so dan howell-coded

[etherealsw4n]

girlhood

[aphel1on]

so funny how gale pulls himself out of his suicidal slump purely by finding something new to unhealthily fixate on. just complete 180 immediate full steam ahead to the next unhinged idea. he sees that crown and goes Ok im not mentally ill anymore! 🥰 (is obviously still mentally ill. in a new and exciting way)

like people will complain about the lack of emotional resolution to the plotline and while i get it, to me that is a feature not a bug. my mans is not Emotionally Processing a fucking thing. this is the guy who had a year to brood in his tower and learned nothing. zero personal insights. act 3 gale is manically distracting himself from dealing with anything all whilst backsliding into hubris bc he is unable to comprehend a middle ground between Gods Specialest Boy and Gods Wretchedest Fool. i love him so much

[aemiron-main]

kept awake by the fact that mike didn’t even TRY and hit the water when he stepped off the cliff at the quarry. like he didn’t even try. he just stepped off the edge. he didn’t even leap or run. he just stood there and finally stepped off, as if he’d been on the edge for awhile, both literally/physically and metaphorically/mentally.

like what was it that Powell and Callahan said about Joyce in season 1? Yknow, the only other person alongside Mike who believed Will was still alive and therefore they’re paralleled to eachother in that way and likely other ways? Oh right, they said:

“Joyce? About one step from falling off the edge.”

“She’s been a few steps for awhile now, hasn’t she?”

Just like Mike. Mike literally at the quarry was one step away from falling off the edge (he STEPPED OFF, FELL OFF, he didn’t jump, just like how Joyce has been a “few steps” from “falling off” the edge), but stood there for a fair while/walked up to it and was literally “a few steps away for awhile” from it. this applies not only physically to Mike but also mentally/emotionally. It took so little to make Mike step off the edge because mentally he’d already been on that edge for awhile, already been a “few steps from the edge.”

like do we really think this specific wording related to Joyce’s grief and depression is just coincidental in how it aligns exactly with Mike’s actions? That they chose to write those lines in that specific way for fun? That they chose to have Mike STEP off the edge instead of jump off because they were in a silly goofy mood? Do you think that they connected Mike’s actions to Joyce’s grief over Will via that quote and then ALSO had mike step off at the EXACT same spot where Will was though to have died all accidentally?? Because the duffers tripped and dropped that subtext in there? NO! It’s deeper than Dustin’s baby teeth for Mike, deeper than the bullies. It’s about grief and loss and depression and Mike’s self-sacrificing but also self-loathing nature and his difficulty with processing loss and strange tendency to both catastrophize AND be good in a crisis. (hint: he’s probably so good in crises BECAUSE of how his brain catastrophizes and goes to the worst case scenario, because it means that he’s more ready for that worst case scenario. but it also leads to him being READY to do ‘worst case scenario’ things like stepping off of a cliff to his death.)

Michael “‘See? Physics!’ in s3” Wheeler very likely knew that he wouldn’t hit the water with the way he ‘jumped’ (key point: he didn’t jump, he stepped off) He Knew. It was never just about the baby teeth.

[taradactylus]

Been off from tumblr a bit but I just wanna share my general thoughts about TSAMS, especially today's episode...

‼️Quick warning for suicide and self harm mention‼️

I feel betrayed. I legit cried. Out of embarassment, betrayal, and pure but well-reserved anger.

I'm not going to be quiet about how to show handled Sun's problem. Not one fucking media type ever dares to normally bring up suicidal problems, the people who suffer from this, the amount of kids and adults who DIE from such thoughts. This isn't about the overly edgy teenagers who want to normalize cutting yourself is okey and cool. This is about the people who suffered for months and years with such conditions while the world made fun of them or ignored their calls for help. Ignored the signs.

USA doesn't have much of a public transport where the show is going on. But here we do. And a lot of trains are late every day. Late for hours because of "mechanical issues". 8 out of 10 times the mechanical issue is a local kid who jumped front of the train. A teenager fed up with life. An adult who lost their way. An ederly too impatient for death.

I have waited months. Months. To see how Sun deals with it. A character I fell in love with not in a romantic sense, a character who shared way too many of my own problems from hallucinations from abuse till betrayal. A character who was pushed and pulled their entire life around people who slapped you then said they love you. I wanted to see how he heals out from it.

The signs were there. Everywhere. Sun said it out loud once that he at least fantasized about death. EVEN OLD MOON KNEW ABOUT THIS! He literally told New Moon Sun would be capable of doing it.

So why... why through Miku, the character used as the "weird fandom girl" symbol do they bring up such a delicate topic? A topic that is not delicate because you have to tip toe around the people who live with self destructive thoughts day and night, but delicate because it matters to be properly heard out AND NO ONE LISTENS!

Not one fucking media listens. A lot of us out there rely on fandoms. Stories we can escape to because the world never listens. And call me a self-projector all you want dear creators or whoever writes the story, but you either just pulled the cheapest and most dumbest way to close off a story line with solving Sun's problems off-screen, or you just legit don't give a fuck about people who "self-projected".

Honestly, what if I did? What if in a sense, I saw myself in Sun? A Sunshine of a character ruined and changed by the things that happened to him. Am I not allowed to relate to him? Am I an annoying "fan-girl" for caring about how he heals because I myself have no idea how to do it either? Or am I like Miku for hoping someone calls out on his behaviour because that's something I've wanted my entire life and never got?

And here I am, still somehow hoping Sun is lying. That he is in denial. That there is more to what was shown... but honestly? How long should I wait and hope while the character I started to like is now becoming a bit too toxic?

And with all due respect, I'm taking this episode personally. The creators watch the fandom. Probably have their secret accounts to see what the people theorize. And if Sun is not lying, and suicide is an annoying topic and we are self-projecting too much onto Sun, with all due respect, dear creators... grow the fuck up and educate yourself.

I don't need the world to pity my ass for having self-harming habits, wishing to die and even attempted suicide before (I'm getting my ass to therapy in the meantime so do not worry about me), but all I want from content creators to fucking educate themselfes before bringing up such topics. TO CARE A BIT MAYBE?!

I have survived my worst times, but not everyone does (it's not about who is weaker or stronger, only utter guilt held me back, without that I'd be long gone), andI want for those who has no help feel like they're heard and seen. Cause literally that's all itt takes sometimes to maybe save someone's life.

So yeah. I'm utterly disappointed in this episode. Not because I want the world to know that I'm suicidal and everyone should tip toe around me and "omg pls give me attention" ect ect ect...

Im disappointed because I had hopes for TSAMS to maybe, maybe be an example and bring this topic up normally for a change. But well... here goes my hope for an educational approach of suicide and self harm in a popular show.

[projectbluearcadia]

I Am and Always Will Be

(Coping) Lucifer x GN!MC

[ Story Premise - Lucifer gets upset because you don't value yourself. ]

TW: SELF-HARM, SUICIDAL IDEATION

Note: The reason I have not marked this as mature is because everyone, including those who are underage, should know that they should seek help. If tumblr decides to give me a slap on the wrist for this, then so be it.

Wordcount: 1652

You don’t really remember how it first started.

  A heartbreaking comment from a cherished friend, and suddenly you’re in the nearest bathroom with your hands on the sink. You look at yourself in the mirror, and all you can think is that there is something less than human staring back at you. Something cruel and hideous and malformed. You hate it. You hate it. You hate it so much that it makes your skin crawl. It makes your eyes water and your teeth clench. 

You can’t escape it. You can’t run away. You can’t even scream, because what would be the point? You’d only attract attention to yourself in the most awkward place possible, where at least one person was trying to take a shit in peace. You can’t stand yourself. My personality is the problem. Every single time I try to make things work, it just turns to nothing. I overreact, and then it all falls apart. I’m so sick of myself. 

You’re sick of it.

And that’s when you finally turn to it. To the only thing that stopped you from feeling like this, even temporarily. A blade, one that had broken free of your cheap shaving razor after you threw it one too many times. I want to see this horrid blood spill. I want it. I need it. 

You drew a thin line. A thicker line. A deep line. 

Your skin, already scarred in some places, was quickly smearing with blood. Drenched. The toilet flushes, and in hindsight, you vaguely realize that doing this in a public bathroom was a dreadful idea, and you leave, adrenaline pounding through your veins—

  No one can know. No one should know. I don’t want them to know. 

—Despite the fact that your blood is leaving a trail behind you, leaving you weaker and weaker with every step. It’s practically gushing from your wounds, and you start to sniffle. It doesn’t really hurt; no, the rush is still too strong. But for some reason, you can’t stop yourself from crying. 

“Hey, someone spilled their Koolaid Ja… Holy SHIT!?” the person, likely from the bathroom screamed, and they fumbled at their phone as you ran further, further, further. “Why are you running away?! You’re bleeding!” Maybe I want to be bleeding, you have the time to think before a sudden bout of dizziness floods your brain. You collapse. You fall. 

And fall. 

<><><>

Surprisingly, you wake up. Funny; you wished you didn’t. Was this it? Was this your first (or was it second?) commitment to the hospital? 

“Lucifer, they’re awake,” came a soft man’s voice, and no sooner had it come than was a man by your side. One with jet-black hair and tragically garnet eyes. 

“MC,” he whispers, his hand caressing your cheek with shuddering fingers, and you find yourself realizing that was a dream. Or, rather, the reliving of how you came to live in the Devildom. You’ve been living here for months now, with Lucifer and his brothers in the House of Lamentation. You’ve been… enjoying living here. How could I wish that I wasn’t alive here? 

“We took away their dagger,” Barbatos said gently as Lucifer shook, holding onto you. “They are okay.” 

“MC, why did you do something like that?” Lucifer whispered, leaning his head into the pillow, right next to your head. His voice agonizingly shuddering, and your body wracks itself with guilt. “MC, MC, MC…” I should have finished the job so he wouldn’t have to feel like this. 

“...I thought I hurt you,” you mumble. You expect him to yell, but the voice that comes from his mouth is soft and excruciatingly slow as he struggles not to sob. 

“And you thought this would hurt me less?” 

“Over time… yeah.” 

“MC…” he whispers, and he sharply sniffles. It hurts to hear—the avatar of pride, breaking down and starting to cry because of you. Because of what you did. I should have eaten the rat poison. “How could you think that leaving a hole in my heart would hurt me less over time? What have I done to make you think that you’re not important to me? I haven’t been able to think for the past three days.”

“...I’m sorry.” You look away from his shoulder, shortly finding that Barbatos has quietly left so that you’re permitted privacy. “I just… I don’t know…” Your eyes prickle. “I-I just… I hate myself so much for what I put you through, and I… I can’t take it anymore.” 

“And you think the best way to put me out of my misery is to rip out half my soul?” Lucifer gasps, and his tears hit your cheek as he finally brings his face up from the pillow to look at you. To show you the tears streaking down his pale, beautiful face. “Why didn’t you tell me anything? I already knew that you hurt yourself in the past, so why did you have to do it again, after all this time? What did I do to make you feel like that?” 

“It’s not you…” 

“It must be!” Lucifer retorts hoarsely, his hot tears splashing your forehead. “You’re supposed to be my partner, and I’m supposed to protect you! I couldn’t do that, so tell me why you couldn’t trust me! Please!” 

“I…” Your voice is breaking up. From one hellish scene to another, you’re not sure how much your heart can take. “I’m sorry. I-I thought… I thought…you would hate me.” The mere thought sends your lacrimal glands into a frenzy as you realize he might hate you now. “I-I couldn’t bear to… lose someone else… so I…” 

“Shhhh,” Lucifer hushes with anxious shudders, and he hugs you so tightly you wonder if he might be trying to break your ribcage. You can feel his ragged breathing, his racing pulse. You almost break into an incomprehensible mess right then and there, unable to speak a single word. “I love you. I love you. I love you,” he murmurs, rocking you with him as you sniffle and try your damndest to get ahold of yourself. “I will always love you.”

“What if I kill one of your brothers?” 

“You would never do that,” Lucifer murmurs, trying his hardest not to let his voice tremble.  

“You don’t know that.” 

“Yes, I do. I know you, MC.” 

“No, you don’t. There are parts of me you’ll never know. There are parts of me you shouldn’t know.”

“I want to know.” 

You shake your head. 

“You can’t just keep hiding everything. I hate it when you do. Don’t you think I’m strong enough of a person to talk to you when you want to kill yourself?” 

“You don’t know what it’s like,” you whisper. 

“That’s irrelevant,” he says, recovering some of his usual sternness as he sniffles. “I don’t need to know how exactly it feels. I just need to know that you’re in pain. I just need to know if there’s anything I can do, anything I can’t do. Please, MC, I can’t just watch. That’s the only thing I’m not strong enough to do. Just indulge my selfishness and just… just lean on me. I don’t care if I have to take the entire burden myself.” 

“You’re already carrying too much…” 

“Me?!” Lucifer growled as he pulled away from you. “I’m not the one in agony! It’s true that I’m stressed, and I usually have a lot on my plate. But it stresses me infinitely more that my own lover won’t tell me about their problems! How hard do I have to drill it into your head that you come first?!” 

“...sorry.” 

Lucifer sighs deeply and heavily before he leans his head against yours, his fingers nestling into your hair, massaging your scalp. 

“Please… don’t ever do that again,” he murmurs. “If you’re scared of losing me, then don’t eliminate any possibility of ever seeing me again. I don’t know where you’ll go when you die, but it won’t be here.” 

“I get it, and I’m sorry,” you mumble. 

“Do you get it?” 

“I get that you’re mad at me…” 

“Did you listen to a damn word I said?!” Lucifer snaps, his voice breaking again, and you flinch in his arms before he squeezes you again. “I’m not angry with you. I’m upset and scared. Do you have any idea what it feels like to not be able to protect someone that matters to you? That the person you love doesn’t even think they’re worth protecting? That I can’t help you through the monstrosities that plague your mind?

You can’t find it in yourself to answer. It’s painful to try. 

“I’m begging you, MC…promise me. Promise me you’ll help me help you. I could live knowing that you are happy even if it’s in the human world. All I want is for you to live a full, happy life. I know you, and I know that you deserve that.” 

“Do I? I’ve done so many things…”

“I let my own sister die,” Lucifer replies somberly. “I brought Satan into the world, confused and angry. I didn’t know that the only reason Asmo thought I kept him around was because of his beauty. I let Levi feel inferior. I locked away Belphie when we could have just talked… there are so many things I’ve done wrong, before and after falling from Heaven, and I hated myself for it. But I was the only one who kept hating myself after Belphie forgave me, after Satan accepted me. Anger is brief, MC. I, and everyone else, care about you so much more than all of the bad things that might make up your mistakes in life. I am, and always will, feel that way. I am, and always will, be there for you. Even on the occasions where I am not physically there, I am still there for you.” 

“Always?” 

“Always. So promise me… okay?” 

From the author: As fans of my work may have guessed, I have been on both sides of this conversation many times. Talking about it was the best thing I, and people I knew, ever did. And, believe it or not, Lucifer has genuinely comforted me in both scenarios. I hope to have imparted some of that onto the audience regardless of whether or not they are struggling with depression, self-harm, or suicidal urges. The storm may rage, but I believe that we can be stronger than it if we stop trying to weather it alone. Thank you for reading my two cents, and I hope that both I and you can spread life and love rather than hatred and death.

Obligatory Suicide Hotline Information

(Seriously, PLEASE CALL THESE IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING)

U.S. 988

Canada 833-456-4566

Australia 13114

U.K. 0800-689-5652

For other countries and counseling services that may be available in your country -> OpenCounseling

[shortbreadly]

was reading the original saw script and:

WHAT THE FUCK THIS HURTS MORE THAN THE LINE THEY WENT WITH

[curatoroffiction]

Overprotective (Part 1)

Based off of this post It all came to a head with The Incident™.

You were frustrated, having just left Levi's room. You'd brought him a series that you thought he'd love, it was much more like some of the stuff he used to be into, which had heartbreak and drama, but you'd heard it had a good resolution, even if it was sad. But the second things started turning sour emotionally, he began to panic. And when he asked if you knew what would happen, and you said "I've heard about the ending, but I saved actually knowing it for you", you didn't expect what he did next. He stopped the show and took the DVD out. This started a long fight that you barely understood. Him being upset that you weren't 'taking care of yourself', and you being upset that he was trying to micro-manage what you watched! You even jabbed at him telling him that "Avoiding the sad stuff isn't healthy!" which only made him more upset. You didn't understand why, so you just left. You ran into Asmodeus, who started worrying about the stress you were visibly under. Stress isn't good for one's health. He first asked if you wanted to take a soothing bath with him, which you shrugged off, thinking that would be the end of it. But it wasn't. He kept badgering you to let him help you destress. It started very flirty at first... Until it became desperate. You continued to decline, and he became more worried, which caught Satan's attention. When Satan heard you were stressed out, several stress-related illnesses flashed through his memory and he became very serious trying to give you other options. If anything, their insistence on controlling another aspect of your life was making it worse. You were on the verge of exploding when Belphegor came around. You called out to him, but he turned right around and walked away. You frustratedly chased after him, but when you turned the corner he disappeared behind, he was gone. Instead, you found Mammon. With the shadiest bag of vitamins you've ever seen. No label, just some random supplement in a plastic bag. "You want some vitamins?" The sight would have made you laugh a week ago, but right now, it was just frustrating. "No! I want everyone to stop badgering me! And for Belphegor to stop AVOIDING me!" "Sounds like you could eat. Lemme cook you up something." Mammon was the one who was the best at reaching out. He'd been slyly learning how to cook on the side, so he could get more veggies and fruits into your diet. And the food he's learned to cook was really yummy. Begrudgingly, you accept, and he takes you to the kitchen, also giving Asmo and Satan a covert thumbs up. The two let him take care of you, seeing that your stress instantly began to melt at the idea of food. That is.. Until you got to the kitchen. Mammon begins pulling out veggies and fruit to make you a few dishes, but Beelzebub keeps hovering around to try to control your portions. No matter how much you told him it was insulting, he just couldn't bring himself to stop worrying. Mammon always makes you too much food, seeing as how he keeps trying to pack in the nutrients like they're going to culminate in prolonging your life indefinitely. Once again, you're pissed, and this time with new vigor. You finally storm out of the kitchen and out of the house, only to see Lucifer coming in from the walkway. And he's blinded by how dangerous it is for you to walk around Devildom alone. He tells you as much and you just shout "WELL I HOPE I DIE THEN, BECAUSE IT'D BE BETTER THAN THIS HELLSCAPE" while trying to brush past him in frustration. You didn't even mean the words, but no one had been listening to you and no one was giving you a chance to control anything in your life without supervision. They've been so controlling and so accidentally belittling, making you feel less-than, making you feel like a child in a house without love. Part 2

[red-umbrella-811]

This one’s for all my friends on here with problems.

If you’re having a trauma or anxiety episode, if you’re thinking about killing yourself, you just need to make it through tonight. The morning won’t make everything good, but things will be better.

Do what you need to do. If you’re struggling to make it through this moment, there are things like exercise for anxiety, cold water on the face for anxiety or flashbacks, other distress tolerance skills. Use your skills, white knuckle it. Don’t use substances or behaviors. Surf the urge.

Try to get some sleep. It’ll be better if you do, but the morning will still be better than the night if you don’t. If you can’t sleep, see if you can lie down and listen to or watch something comforting, maybe with your eyes closed.

If you can’t do that, see if you can be kind to yourself. Maybe that feels natural right now, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe you don’t deserve it. Try it anyway. If there’s some cosmic (or literal) debt to be paid for it, you can pay it in the morning.

Try to be kind. If you can eat, eat something comforting. If you’re in a bed or couch, maybe curl up with a soft blanket or stuffed animal. Smell something that smells like home.

This isn’t about solving the problem, this is about getting you to a place where solving the problem might be possible. It’ll probably take more than a night. But right now, we’re just making it through to see the sun again.

[cemeterything]

cw for discussions of suicide and suicidal ideation but i'm thinking about tsv saints again and wondering if they're even capable of self-destruction (self-iconoclasm?). like, every saint we've seen so far, no matter how much suffering they're being forced to endure and how much of their self-awareness they've retained, has only been able to die if they're dispatched by another character - with the exception of the woundtree saints, which are generated by suicide as an act of protest, but they're an intentional outlier. this isn't a "should saints be euthanised if their quality of life is determined to be below a level that is considered acceptable" debate because that's a whole different ethical can of worms. i just wonder because there's an argument to be made that in taking away their ability to intentionally end their own lives, the hallowing procedure attacks another facet of personal bodily autonomy by denying the right to harm or terminate that body. compounding the horror of it all further.

[bbcphile]

Today, I’m crying about Li Xiangyi’s childhood, the way it taught him that losing meant he didn’t deserve to exist, and how that governed his response to the East Sea battle ten years earlier and to all the revelations at the end of the show.

Li Xiangyi obviously loves his shifu and shiniang, and they definitely loved him, too, given that his shifu wanted him to focus more on enjoying life and less on changing the world and obtaining victories, and given that his shifu sacrificed himself to try to save Xiangyi and his shiniang wanted to. So, his childhood with them definitely had more love, support, stability, and learning opportunities than his earlier life, which features such traumas as seeing his mom murdered in front of him, living on the streets starting at age 4, watching his older brother die in front of him and then forgetting his older brother existed, probably from traumatic amnesia/dissociation. That being said, though, his shiniang and shifu made some truly horrific decisions that caused some epic problems for both Li Xiangyi and Shan Gudao! It’s not just that they withheld incredibly important knowledge about Xiangyi’s early life and background from him (who his parents were, why they were murdered, that he had an older brother, the secret of his heritage)--although wow, that is a terrible way to raise a traumatized child–it’s also that they fostered competition instead of caring, both with the children they raised and between each other. I’m thinking in particular of the fact that, once shiniang and shifu separated, they each took a child (based on drawing lots) and had Xiangyi and Shan Gudao fight once a month to determine not just which kid was the better martial artist, but which adult was a better teacher, and, by extension, parent and person! 

That last thing is just so infuriating and, frankly, abusive: it makes each kid think competition and winning is how affection is earned, and that any sort of mistake or loss or failure is the absolute end of the world, because you’re never just letting yourself down or not reaching your potential: you are proving that you don’t deserve their care and affection. It also taught Xiangyi that he was responsible for their caregiver’s happiness and reputation, and once you have that kind of overdeveloped sense of responsibility as a child, you carry it through into every aspect of your life, because you don’t know any other way of being. No wonder Xiangyi thought he carried the world on his shoulders: growing up, the mountain home/training center was his world–since it seems like he didn’t have interactions with anyone else until he left the mountain at age 15–so he had been carrying that belief for at least a decade without having seen any other models of ways to exist. 

Also, we know Xiangyi thinks he owes his shiniang and shifu for having brought him into their family: having that added sense of debt makes everything so much worse, because he essentially thinks he owes his entire existence to them. It seems like Xiangyi felt like he had to win the competitions to prove he deserved to be there, but also to prove he deserved to exist. 

For his early life, he only felt the positive side of this expectation, because he never lost, since his martial arts skills were so much stronger than Shan Gudao’s. He was unintentionally primed to assume the outcome was a foregone conclusion, because he didn’t have any real challengers. This also hammered home the idea that he was right about things, that he should call the shots, and that collaboration wasn’t really relevant to his life, since it wasn’t as if his shifu taught Xiangyi and Shan Gudao how to fight side by side to defeat other opponents. Losing seemed like something that happened to other people (namely, Shan Gudao), and given the emphasis his shifu and shiniang placed on the competitions, I imagine winning time after time was more than just an adrenaline rush; it was positive reinforcement that he deserved the good things that had come his way, had repaid the debt he owed his shiniang and shifu, and would continue to earn love, respect, a family, a home, and a right to exist.

But when he lost? When he had never had a model for what losing safely feels like? (When the only times he lost were when he lost deliberately to try to cheer up Shan Gudao, but was berated for it, and told it was shameful and wrong to throw a fight for any reason, so losing becomes even more associated with shame?) When losing wasn’t a way to learn, but a sign that he might lose his love, his family, his home? What happens when the scaffolding upholding his right to exist—his ability to win—comes crashing down?

Suicidal ideation. Because he lost not only the battle with Di Feisheng, but also his shixiong, his shixiong’s body, his fiancee, the lives of his men, his reputation, his new home (the Sigu sect), and being able-bodied. In short, he lost everything part of him always feared he’d lose and then some. So why would he think he still has a right to exist, after that? How could he believe someone telling him it wasn’t his fault, when all he has ever known is that the responsibility for everyone he cares for lies with him? 

(I feel like it’s really telling that he didn’t go back to his shiniang’s or shifu’s home after everything went to hell; he said it was because he had been unfilial and couldn’t bear to go back after his shifu died, but it also seems like, given that he had lost everything else, he felt like he didn’t deserve the comfort, family, and home it represented, so staying away is his punishment.)

Given all this, it makes total sense that Li Lianhua wants so desperately to think of Li Xiangyi as dead: he can’t actually reconcile being alive and having failed. So he tries to create a new persona that doesn’t want to be the best in the jianghu or thrive on praise and responsibility, while he tries to correct what he thinks of as his mistakes, before he dies of Bicha poisoning. 

He tries to live the life his shifu wanted for him, where he enjoys pleasures like wine, food, relaxation, and growing things instead of focusing on making a name for himself or winning, and he tries to stay away from people, attachments, and love, because you can’t lose them again if you don’t have them to begin with.

But of course, saying someone is a different person doesn’t make it so. He still wants to be the best–the best physician, the best at scheming, the best at detective work–because he still doesn’t actually know how to be any other way. So he still has the same problems as Li Xiangyi: he still withholds information and commands more than collaborates (it’s frankly amazing he works as well with Fang Duobing and Di Feisheng as he does), still has an overdeveloped sense of responsibility (he believes he has to be the one to save those he cares about and stop everyone else, whether Shan Gudao or the emperor), and at the end, is still suicidal (because now he thinks he’s responsible for the death of his shifu, for not seeing Shan Gudao’s plot, and probably in some warped way for the Nanyin situation once he learns the truth of his heritage, because the man has never met a situation he can’t take the blame for). 

It doesn’t surprise me at all that Li Lianhua doesn’t fully get how much he means to Di Feisheng and Fang Duobing at the end, or that he thinks they just want their version of Li Xiangyi: he can’t imagine being loved and still having made a mistake.

[half-oz-eddie]

tw for suicidal thoughts/planning

“Hey.” A voice droned on the other end of the phone. “Harrington?”

Steve recognized that voice. “Hargrove?”

“Yeah.”

Steve groaned in annoyance. “What do you want?”

“I’m gonna kill myself tonight.”

“Y—wait, what? Why the fuck are you gonna do that?!”

“...It’s enough.”

“What’s enough? Billy there’s nothing worth killing yourself over. Nothing!” Steve replied frantically, ready to jump in his car and drive to wherever Billy was. 

Billy darkly chuckled. “You’re not me. That’s why I called you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I can’t beat you, Steve. Maybe in a fight, maybe in a beer competition, but that’s it. And none of that matters. I wanted everything you had, but I just can’t have that. Nobody wants me around. But people love you. I can’t compete with that.”

“C’mon, Hargrove. You gotta give people a chance. Open up a little. It’s the only way you’ll—“

“No. I can’t. Even when I do nothing wrong, I’m still unwanted. By my mom, my dad, even Max. I haven’t said a word to her in weeks and she looks at me with disgust everyday.”

“Well you did piss her off at the Byers. And you tried to kill me!"

“I was trying to protect her.”

“I know that now. Maybe she does too. You want me to talk to her for you?”

“I just told you—I’m gonna kill myself. You can say whatever you want when I’m gone. You don’t have to pretend you care.”

“What’s the real reason you called me?“

“Just to let you know. I thought maybe you’d even egg me on a little.”

“I’m not like that, Billy. You called the wrong person.”

“Yeah.” He snorted. “I can see that now.”

Steve could hear the soft crackle of Billy taking a drag from his cigarette, followed by a heavy exhale. “Anything else you wanna say before I go? I’m not puttin’ another coin in, so…make it quick.”

“Where are you?”

“Why?”

“Let’s have one last drink before you do it.”

“I’m…heading to the Quarry.”

“I’ll be there in 10 with some beers. Don’t do anything until I get there.”

“Harrington—“

“Promise me!”

“Why do I owe you any fucking promises?” Billy shouted into the payphone.

“Because you know I’m coming there, and you’re not the type of guy that would leave your body for me to find.”

“What if I’m exactly that guy?”

“Please? Just promise me.”

Billy was a bit perturbed by the worry in Steve’s voice. “Whatever, yeah. I’ll be there.”

Steve grabbed some beer from his fridge and raced to the Quarry, hoping Billy would be there. 

He sighed a loud sigh of relief, nearly followed by tears when he spotted Billy’s Camaro. He slowly approached, unsure of what he would even say the moment they were in front of each other.

It was unsettling how Billy didn’t look distressed at all. He was unusually calm. That scared Steve more than anything. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Steve tossed Billy a beer. They drank the entire case in complete silence, both going for the last can of beer. 

Steve chuckled, withdrawing his hand. “You take it.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I mean, I brought them for you so—yeah. Enjoy.”

Billy wordlessly nodded as he cracked open the can and chugged it. 

Steve felt his stomach knot up. He didn’t know what to do to stop Billy. 

“So, uh…there’s like this…concert thing tomorrow that Robin invited me to. You should come.”

“Are you deaf or stupid, Harrington? I said I’m killing myself tonight.”

“Yeah but like—can’t it wait til tomorrow? I’ve never gotten to hang out with you before and this was…I dunno, not horrible?”

Billy laughed. “So y’want me to postpone my fucking suicide so I can go on a date with you?”

“I didn’t say it was a date!” Billy laughed harder when he spotted Steve’s blush in the dim light of his headlights. 

“I don’t want you to kill yourself.” Steve admitted. “I want a chance to beat you in another fight. To beat you in basketball. To take back the keg king title. If you die, I’ll reclaim the title by default. No one else in this shit town could ever beat me except you.”

“Cause this town's full of pussies.” Billy gritted his teeth. 

“Maybe.“ Steve shrugged. “So…will you stick around tomorrow, at least?”

“I dunno.”

“C’mon. Let’s go have some fun.”

“Why do you even wanna be around me?” Billy questioned.

“I don’t know you, Billy! I’ve never known you. I’ve only known that you’re an angry, annoying asshole. But then you call me, saying you wanna kill yourself, and I wonder if you’re even an angry annoying asshole, or if it’s been bullshit all this time.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Yes! Please do!”

“I really, genuinely want to die, Steve. And yet, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“So live! Live for me! Because I want you to live.”

“That sounds romantic.” Billy teased. 

“I don’t care what it is. If I’m a reason for you to keep living, I’ll make it worth it.”

“What for?”

“…I get really lonely. It’s just in my nature to take care of everyone because no one’s here with me. I’m alone all the damn time.”

Billy sighed. “God, you’re so pathetic. You want me to live so I can keep you company?”

“Yeah. Whenever you feel like killing yourself, you can drink with me. Or we can talk. Or go for a drive.”

“Still feels romantic.”

“Does that bother you?”

“No.”

“Good. So. Tomorrow. It’s a date?”

“I thought you said it wasn’t.”

“It is now. So yes or no?”

Billy smiled. “Sure, pretty boy. I’ll be your date tomorrow.”

And he was Steve’s date. Then he was Steve’s boyfriend. And things got easier. He gained the love and loved the way he craved for so many years. 

The next time he was at the quarry with Steve, he wasn’t thinking about falling over the edge, he was thinking about falling in love with Steve. 

Life had never been so beautiful. 

[mrs-snape5984]

“Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you, dear…”

“To think I might not see those eyes, it makes it so hard not to cry. And as we say our long goodbyes, I nearly do…” (“Run” by Snow Patrol)

I guess, I have to flag this post with a trigger warning for some mentions of suicidal thoughts. Please skip the following three short paragraphs, if this might be hurting you. I’m sorry for that.

Since my condition is worsening, due to this goddamn bitch of a disease ME/CFS, my thoughts keep on wandering to some darker places…searching for a way out of this hell. And even though I’m telling myself, that I won’t leave my three children behind, I caught myself preparing for the final step.

Within the last two years, I’ve lost more and more of my freedom…my friends…my regular life…and myself. What’s left, is a life in darkness and solitude. Lying in bed day in, day out…struggling with pain and suffering from the increasing symptoms of this illness. Slowly wasting away…

I’ve set myself a limit…a point, in which I won’t endure the dilapidation of my body and mind any further. I don’t know, when this point of no return will come…but my limit is fixated.

In the course of these mental preparations, I’ve done something, which I deeply regret. I’ve told my closest friends…those, whom I love with all my heart…about these arrangements. As soon as I heard, that I’ve broken their heart with my wishes, I knew, that I’ve made a mistake….and I’m terribly sorry for that.

I’ve commissioned my friend @opalchalice for this beautiful piece of art, which shows my undeniably self-inserted OC Jules, consoling her husband Severus after unveiling exactly these preliminary arrangements, which I’ve mentioned to my friends, to him.

Well, as some of you know, I’m projecting my personal experiences onto the stories, I’m writing, as well as onto the artworks, I’m requesting from these talented and compassionate artists of our beloved Snapedom. So, this drawing shall be my apology to the friends, whom I might have offended and hurt with my thoughts and wishes. Please don’t forget, that I love you…and feel free to express your own boundaries towards me, whenever I’m going too far! I never meant to hurt your feelings…and I’m honestly sorry, that I already did.

Lia, I’m beyond grateful for your help to manifest my apologies and my attempt of consolation in your divine illustration. Please, don’t ever doubt your talent, my dear. I’m a sucker for your art and I will support you as long as I’m strong enough to go online for some time, no matter how restricted my abilities to bear screen time will be. Believe in yourself…because I do! You’re a true artist and a gem of a human being and my heart is filled with gratitude, that I was allowed to meet you here.

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

[ceriseo]

the only change i'll actually be mad about is still just nettles sorry. cut daeron? lowkey a boring flop anyway. replaceable! alicole sex scene? okayy lets bring on the catholic guilt and hypocrisy. no maelor? whatever i trust them. but my daughter... my beautiful daughter nettles who disproved valyrian blood purity and used nothing but cunning and wit to take a power held exclusively by ennobled dynastical tyrants, crumbling their whole egotistical worldview with one move. screaming crying throwing up. wheres my giiiirl where is she...