#Faeris' depression

[titan-wolfdog]

giving me the Soulsborne games to play was granting me barbie dolls and my own arena to throw them in like gladiators

[wikitpowers]

maybe kit tries to convince himself that he’s over ty already but then the moment ty comes back to ask for his help he realizes it was all lies 💔

[thejudeduarte]

🍂🍂Sad Oak quotes🍂🍂

"Sometimes he screams into the darkness, just to remind himself that he can."

-The Prisoners Throne, page 24

"Oak cannot repress the shudder that goes through him at those words. He has been poisoned and stabbed many times over the course of his short life. Pain is transient, he tells himself. He has endured it before-broken bones and bled and survived. Pain is better than being dead. He tells himself a lot of things."

-The Prisoners Throne, page 60

"And sicker still when his mouth curves unconsciously into a smile. It has become such an automatic reaction to pain, for him to mask it with a grin. Oak, laughing all the time. Pretending nothing hurts. A false face hiding a false heart."

-The Prisoners Throne, page 175

"Who can love someone who is empty Inside? someone who steals love instead of earning it?"

-The Prisoners Throne, page 175

"Wren once described what she was afraid of, if she revealed herself to her family. How she imagined their rejecting her once they saw her true face. Oak sympathised, but until this moment he didn't understand the horror of having all the people who loved you best in the world look at you as though you were a stranger."

-The Prisoners Throne, page 287

"Wren loves her mortal family. She loves them so much she slept in the dirt near their house just to be close. Lives them so much there might be nothing she wouldn't do to save her mother or father or sister. No one she wouldn't sacrifice, including herself. He knows what love like that feels like."

-The Prisoners Throne, page 301

"And if you really think you're a monster, then let's be monsters together."

-The Prisoners Throne, page 351

"But I know you. And you have to come back to me, Wren, because no one gets us but us. You know why you're not a monster, but I might be. I know why throwing me in your dungeon meant there was still something between us. We are messes and we are messed up and I don't want to go through this world without the one person I can't hide from and who can't hide from me."

-The Prisoners Throne, page 333

"Some broken things stay broken."

-The Prisoners Throne, page 291

"He's become the fool he's spent so long pretending to be. If he hadn't fallen in love, then no one would be in danger if he didn't believe in Wren, promise to be in ger sidex make every excuse for her, then Randalin's schemes would have come to nothing. He loves her still, more's the pity."

-The Prisoners Throne, page 291

[goldiloxnpaintedhands]

[the-fae-folk]

I struggle with depression and anxiety a lot. I take antidepressants and all that. These are just some random thoughts I had. If I went to the Fae and they offered me happiness in exchange for my free will I’d take it. They could do whatever they wanted I’ll be a slave fine as long as I’m happy. Cuz I experience freedom and being miserable so I’d swap it for happiness and no free will

My child, I am most heartily sorry to hear that you struggle so, and I wish that I could fly across the world or through the realm of words and symbols we call the internet to come and bring you comfort. And yet I am even now restrained by the cruel chains of reality and physics. To be in such a mind that you would willingly go with the Folk should they offer you such a thing as happiness, even knowing that they would be cruel and are likely to take advantage of you, is not the healthiest of minds to be in. Truthfully, no faerie could give you happiness as you imagine. It is not something that can be given or taken like we give and take coins. Happiness is not something that can be found in places when you go to search them. But one might be fooled if in the act of searching one suddenly is possessed of happiness. For you see, happiness is created within, in the act of doing things we love, being with those we care for and who care about us, we can create happiness for ourselves. All the faeries could ever do is enchant you to believe that you are happy. But it would not be real, it would not be true. It would only be illusion, and in your heart of hearts you would bear the knowledge that underneath it all you would still be suffering. It is easy to be tempted by cruel promises, even when we know their falsehoods, when we are afflicted by such horrors as depression and anxiety. Especially when it seems that happiness is always just out of reach, beyond our grasp no matter how we try to lay claim to it. Yet I can assure you that while the struggle is one that takes enormous strength, it is possible to grow past the weight of depression, possible to burst through the clouds and climb up into the clear light of day. It will take time, and stumbles along the way are certain, yet it is possible to make yourself once again into a person who can create the joy and laughter and happiness within themselves. I wish you all the hopes and wonders of the world. Good luck, my child.

[amelia-raiher]

🦋 My Sylvari Mesmer 🦋

[faerieinhiding]

A label you give, with a smug little grin

"Lazy" you say, but you don't know within

My days are structured, on a different pace

A timeline that's mine, not yours to replace

You disregard the pain, the fatigue and stress

The chronic illnesses, that I must confess

My disability, that you can't see

The mental health struggles, that weigh on me

But still you say, with a condescending tone

"Lazy" you call me, to make yourself feel known

Superior, perhaps, in your own little way

But your words cut deep, yet you have nothing to say

To the struggles I face, to the battles I fight

To the strength I summon, to make it through the night

You know nothing of, with your judgment so blind

So keep your labels, and leave me to my grind.

[wyrdify]

A bit of an explanation for the stronger depression because I’m an info-dumper, and this shift is boring as fuck right now anyway. Plus, I know it affects my ability to write, and, well, I haven’t done that in a while, which is what most of y’all follow my blogs for.

---

We’re gonna break it down into parts:

Seasonal depression. Winter tends to increase my depression overall due to less sunlight, colder temperatures, and more time indoors. This is something to check on for yourselves, by the way. 

Apartment bound. Save for the one night a week when I get to go to trivia, I am basically stuck in my apartment 24/7. We are working to get my car fixed to help remedy this problem, but I have not driven in over a year, and we’re entering the winter season in New England.

My soul-sucking job. I cannot emphasize this one enough. My hours just got cut again for the week of 12/11 when I was promised they wouldn’t be, and I’m going to have to scrounge around to get them back up to 28.75. That’s all I’m allowed to work, and that’s for $12.75/hour (minimum wage). Management is poor and retaliatory, coworkers/assistant managers micromanage me to death, I don’t get recognition or praise for the work I do---the list goes on. But, because I can’t drive myself anywhere, and other work-at-home jobs that aren’t strictly customer service are hard to come by, I have to stick with it.

December in general. It’s a hard month for my family. Eleven years ago this Christmas Eve is when my paternal grandmother passed away (maternal passed away last year in late November, and I wasn’t as close to her for various reasons). While the wound isn’t as fresh as it was when I was 21, it still fucking hurts, and I still have trauma related to this whole Christmas season that I’ve been trying to deal with. When your grandmother was the center of your family, and she was the one who made Christmas a big deal at her house, the holidays lose a lot of their cheer. 

I have bipolar depression (bipolar II). If you want to learn more about what that means, Mayo Clinic does a decent breakdown here about bipolar in general. I’ve had this since I was at least in my teen years---that’s when I remember the depression getting worse, at least---but I wasn’t diagnosed until a couple of months ago. It means that when I hit a low, I hit a low, and I can stay in it for days to weeks at a time. Hypomania? Lasts maybe a few days if I’m lucky. Then there are the mixed episodes, also known as depression with the energy to act on it (for me, at least).

I’m not out to my in-laws. Because these are the holidays, I’m spending more time around them. I love my in-laws, but they are staunch conservative Catholics, and I’m not out to them as nonbinary. I get misgendered (not intentionally) a lot when I’m around them, and it’s hard. I’m sure a lot of my gender-nonconforming friends here can relate.

---

What I’m doing about each of these things:

Seasonal depression: Being aware of it, turning lights on, and staying on top of my diet.

Apartment bound: Working on getting my car fixed (husband is researching tires), finding opportunities to get out when possible.

My soul-sucking job: Just taking it one day at a time, venting here and there, keeping my head down, doing the bare minimum work wise*, focusing on what I can control, continuing to look for other jobs, working on a loan repayment plan to get my FAFSA done to get college restarted so I can work on an MLIS, not responding to work emails or slack messages while not on shift.

*paying minimum wage = minimum effort

December in general: Acknowledging the grief, communicating about it and when it’s hitting harder, not pushing myself too much. Also going to try and decorate the apartment for Christmas to get some of that holiday cheer in.

Bipolar II: Educating myself on my disorder, therapy, medication (and working with my med manager), tracking my sleep, journaling, writing poetry, tracking my moods.

Not Out to my In-Laws: Husband and I need to find a time to talk to his mom alone about it, and that’s probably not gonna happen for a bit. So, I’m tabling it for now.

---

Doing all of these things doesn’t change that the depressive episode is still hitting hard right now. It was super bad yesterday, and I’m sort of crawling out of it just now. I’m still going to isolate for the time being, especially since I have the Bioshock collection to distract me for a bit (started yesterday, and whoo boy it’s a trip so far). 

I’ll respond to discord messages when I get the energy, and my brain stops being snappy. That’s one part of depression no one likes, and it’s one reason I isolate: I can be mean, and I don’t want to be mean to my friends. My brain goes “Lol no one’s listening to/they’re ignoring you anyway, so go isolate.” You know, that leftover toxic thinking from being raised by abusive parents where I had to scream for even slight acknowledgment. Super fun. I’m working on challenging it, but, in the meantime, I just step away and not talk so I don’t say something mean. 

Anyway, this got longer than I thought it would, and I got distracted several times by work. Thanks for reading if you did. Have Vincent sitting on the internet as a reward.

[monpalace]

Percival walks him through the joys of having a pregnant wife because he went through this with his mother when he was 10. Time is just freaking out because of the drawing that Percival had to make to walk him through it.

Back to Twi and Songbird, those kids are still beating his ass -🧚🏽‍♀️

percival just drew time a picture of what he (accidentally) managed to get a glimpse of when his little sibling was born so time knows what to expect. it's horrifically inaccurate (and more akin to a eldritch creature). time is traumatized. he goes back to malon like "maybe, hear me out, i DONT need to be in the room with you when our kid is born? maybe, just maybe, i'm standing outside getting whatever you need, but not going inside the room? i just think i'd be better help out there"

TWI NEVER WINNING THOUGH?? "yo, momma's boyfriend, if you play a game with us we'll stay out of your way and not cause any trouble when you propose" "alr" now why is he being chased with some hairspray and a lighter all of a sudden 🤨

[templeofmadness]

[faerie-fire-fantasy]

why do these mental health professionals keep diagnosing me with "anxiety" and "depression" and "adhd" when i am simply a little forest creature forced into human society i am here to put collect trinkets and get into shenanigans. what do u mean i need "executive function" there is nothing executive or functional about me

[mad-prophet-for-profit]

I hope that someone sees this and feels. A week ago, I started to find my joy again. I went outside. The sun, the trees, the laughter of people on park-benches. I took my cards with me, and I told fortunes for the ones whose smiles cracked, whose laughter was bitter, whose eyes were distant with what-comes-next. I told them the truth- all they ever wanted to hear was the truth. I took my cloak with me, and swished it dramatically and winked and let it spill behind me like a crimson grin as I bent to find treasures in the dirt. I whisked myself off to a happier place. I took a polished orb of fool's gold with me, and I wound it in sparkling patterns around my hands like a toy sun. It spun and bobbed and I could hear the murmured laughter of delighted onlookers. I smiled. I danced. I sang. And They noticed. The Other Folk, the ones Between and Behind and At The Corners. They love that sort of thing. They left me gifts. Small things, at first. Little treasures in the grass. Coins and pebbles and rubber bands and buttons. Nothing anyone wanted but me. Then bigger. Mushrooms sprouting in bunches by my favorite benches. The laughter of swooping crows. And finally, a branch of copper beech, mossy and wonderful and perfect for use as a walking stick. I didn't thank Them. You aren't supposed to, you know. They expect payment if you thank Them. But I was happy, for a time. And I thought it might stay like that. But joy can intoxicate, lead to glee and then to giddiness and then to carelessness and then to mockery and then to madness. It always goes that way. And so it did. I trapped myself in winding hall, a dungeon of concrete and steel, and the stairs played hide-and-seek until it wasn't funny anymore. The joy shattered. The cloak drooped, the staff splintered, and the orb lost its shine. But to the Folk who made my life all that much brighter- it was beautiful. And if you can see this, somewhere in your halls of records, if Tumblr is one place you can reach from where you are... I would welcome you back.

[wikitpowers]

where is the newsletter?????????

(i need some tsc content today or any news on twp or the kickstarter pretty please)

[ranger-husband]

Martialis tries to write a friendly letter to Joyce, but ends up writing and not sending a love letter. Neither of them send any letters back and forth because “he’s probably dead anyways” (Martialis) and “would he even receive my letters? What would I even say? ‘Hey what’s up, killed some more guys, still no clue who this revenge plot is after. The mystery lives on!’ Do I mention the heart attack?” (Joyce). Anyways Joyce forgets to send Martialis a wedding invite as a result.

[thegreatcrowdragon]

I got bored and wrote a thing about my beast cookie oc :)

Soft footsteps ring out against the stone walls of the mausoleum. The young cookie walks forward easily, having traced this path since she was young.

She was the only one fit for the duty of caretaker, due to the ability of the beast that resided within.

One look and you’d be turned into solid stone, a literal statue of your former self. There was no known cure, either.

Mistflower cookie, however, was blind. She was immune to the effects, and the perfect one to serve the beast.

Not that the beast would do much, it seemed like all she ever did was look at herself in the mirror and cry. It made Mistflower cookie feel a little bad herself, but she got used to it after around the hundredth time.

She stopped and shuffled slightly, trying to find where the first step was. The stairs were always the most difficult part of the journey.

Eventually she found it, and started carefully making her way up.

She finally crossed the final step, and called out

“Miss?”

“I’m here.” A voice echoed back. It was slightly raspy. Mistflower cookie stepped forward, and something crunched under her feet.

“You’ve been looking at yourself again.” It was more of a statement than a question, as she felt around a little, gently shifting the glass into a small, uneven pile to clean later.

“I’m sorry.” The apology had been genuine around the first twenty times she had heard it, but eventually it began to ring hollow. It wasn’t as if Mistflower cookie was in any place to reprimand her, and it wouldn’t help anyway. She was the beast of Stagnation, and she’d never change.

(Ok that was fun but I’m kinda out of energy now! Thanks for reading, I will probably delete this augh)

[sunthroughdarkclouds]