29 Physical And Emotional Ways Childhood Trauma Can Show Up In Adults, From Those Who Have Lived It
If you or someone you know grew up in a difficult home environment, it can be common for people to develop certain personality traits or "survival techniques" during this time — which can impact their adult lives in the long run.
So when I saw that Reddit user u/ThatRamKid recently asked, "What's a sign of childhood trauma?" I thought it would be helpful to share some of the answers to see if others might resonate. Here's what some respondents had to say:
1."Hyper independence. You can’t be let down if you never ask for anything in the first place."
—u/caseofgrapes
"This is me. A huge stress of mine. People always try to compliment it and say, 'Oh, you're so independent.' It has some positives for sure — but everything is always on me. Everything is on my shoulders and nobody else's. If I fuck up, I have no one to help. It's exhausting."
–u/rippedloser Coroimage / Getty Images
2."Difficulty trusting, low self-esteem, and fears of being judged."
—u/ReynaAllman
3."Completely shutting down when criticized or corrected. It took me years to get past this."
—u/Ambiguity_Aspect
"Yes! I always feel like I have to explain myself because I think people wouldn’t criticize or correct me if they knew what I was thinking."
—u/notthebestusername12
4."In some cases, excessive people-pleasing tendencies."
—u/paul_rudds_drag_race
"Yep, if anyone is interested in this, google fawning. It’s an alternative to fight/flight/freeze. Not an expert, just a survivor, but from what I understand/experienced, it manifests when a victim can’t get out of an unsafe situation and ends up people-pleasing as an attempt to avoid setting off their abuser or minimize the extent of the abuse."
—u/kriscrossroads
"From Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving:
'Traumatized children often over-gravitate to one of these response patterns to survive, and as time passes these four modes become elaborated into entrenched defensive structures ...
RESPONSE (MECHANISM) Defense (mechanism)
FIGHT (RAGE to be safe) Narcissistic (control to connect)
FLIGHT (PERFECT to be safe) Obsessive/Compulsive (perfect to connect)
FREEZE (HIDE to be safe) Dissociative (no way I'll connect)
FAWN (GROVEL to be safe) Codependent (merge to connect)'
"I'm also not an expert, just a survivor. My personal theory is that each response mechanism maps onto the big emotions (anger, disgust/fear, sadness, and joy deferred).
"A quick lesson from years of therapy: If you don't learn how to respect and honor your emotions by letting them speak in healthy ways internally, then they are bound to morph into pathologies that end up popping out sideways or backward socially."
—u/UberSeoul Morsa Images / Getty Images
5."I am always scared that people are mad at me. Always."
—u/goaskalexdotcom
6."Trouble forming relationships."
—u/CavalloScuro
7."Getting disproportionately frustrated at themselves for small accidents such as spilling things and accidentally breaking something. What happens is a lot of these people were abused as kids for doing these things, so as adults, when these things happen, their brains overload their systems with fear and anxiety, and frustration can be a secondary emotion to that. This is basically a conditioned response because your brain associates these accidents with imminent danger. This is why therapy is so important for people who had shit childhoods, especially during their developing years. I had no idea this was a thing until I went to therapy, but when my therapist explained this to me, it made so much sense. And now when these things happen, I tend to laugh it off."
—u/Mirraco323
"Yep, as a kid, I was never allowed to make mistakes. Received bad grades? I was grounded until the next report card. Dropped a glass? I was berated for being sloppy and careless (exact words). Lost something? I'm also sloppy and careless.
"I went through this my entire childhood and lived with my parents off and on through college. In my first two jobs after college, I had managers who did the same thing, so I just assumed I was the fuckup. I started my current job right about a year ago, and I found a mistake I had made a few months back. I went straight to my boss (it could potentially be a costly mistake) and his response was, 'Thank you for letting me know, and thank you for tracking everything down for me.' I kind of pushed to make sure he understood that I fucked up, and he said, 'Yeah, it's OK. We're all human, and as your boss, it was my job to make sure you understood what was asked. I didn't, and you made an understandable mistake. And now you've done everything in your power to help fix it. I'm proud of you.'
"I held it together for the remaining three hours of my shift, but I burst into tears the second I got in the car to go home. I have never had someone treat me with such kindness and actually recognize that I didn't make that mistake on purpose. And he also recognized that I tried my hardest to make things easier for him and that I wanted to work together to fix things."
—u/Totally_Not_Anna Westend61 / Getty Images/Westend61
8."Always saying sorry. Feeling guilty for speaking up."
—u/Clear-Penalty339
9."Choosing partners who don't support, cherish, or value you. Choosing jobs and relationships that reflect the lack of empathy and neglect that you grew up with."
—u/strawman_11
10."Unable to forgive themselves for small mistakes."
11."Oversharing when you haven’t known the person long. Or the opposite, where you don’t open up to anybody. Two extremes."
—u/agbellamae
"What about both? Oversharing with total strangers but not opening up to friends/family."
—u/Imnotpoopingrn
"That’s me, but not with in-person strangers — only online strangers, where I can be anonymous."
—u/I-love-rainbows
12."Having a hard time showing emotion."
—u/-LavenderFlower-
"This, and sometimes having a hard time even describing how or why you feel the way you do."
—u/jillyszabo
"This is a big one. A side effect of emotionally numbing yourself, or depersonalization."
—u/Randomn355
13."Hypervigilance."
—u/StuEdin
"Survival technique. The kind where you know a parent is going to fly off the handle by the sound the floor makes when they walk."
—u/Ambiguity_Aspect
"Not just parents — I have it from severe school bullying. My parents are great.
"When I eat, I naturally end up facing the entrance of whatever room I'm in; I stand with my back to the wall on the metro; I really, really don't like people standing directly behind me, etc. This probably manifests differently from family abuse stuff, but it's definitely a thing. Mine is because kids would sneak up behind me and stab pencil lead into my back and stuff, or staples, while at lunch or whatever, so I ended up getting horse brain and freaking out when someone's directly behind me."
—u/BlatantConservative Maki Nakamura / Getty Images
14."Scared of conflict to the point where you avoid it at all costs, because you're certain that if it happens, the other person will hate you or it will end horribly. You’ve never seen people calmly sit down and discuss their emotions in a loving way, so that world doesn’t exist for you."
—u/blushbell
15."The ability to stay calm in emergencies or chaotic situations."
—u/Glass_Command_5432
"Ahh, that last one got me. When shit hits the fan, I am almost always calm, but when things are just fine...crippling anxiety about what could go wrong, LOL."
—u/twitchytortoise
16."Peacekeeping. A kid doesn't realize that their parent (mom, in my case) is an emotionally abusive asshole. All I knew is, I didn't want people to be so mad at each other. I think my life would have been better if I hadn't talked them out of divorce."
—u/BridgetteBane
"My parents fought constantly. Verbal abuse at its finest. As the oldest, I was the peacekeeper. Then I became an unwilling 'counselor' for my mom in my early teens and a whipping boy for my stepdad. These two should never have been together, and our lives would have been better had they divorced."
—u/Tiny_Teach_5466 Photoalto / Getty Images/PhotoAlto
17."Feeling bad just for existing."
—u/thatdrunkbetch
18."Perfectionism. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. I just always thought I was bad at everything or 'lazy,' when, in fact, I deal with a crippling level of perfectionism."
—u/still_hate_pancakes
19."Extreme self-cringe. Doubting if what you said was the right thing. Doubting if you acted the right way, or behaved the right way in a social setting. Asking someone several times if you did something correctly. Zoning out because you randomly remembered a traumatic childhood memory, low self-esteem, lack of confidence."
20."No or few good memories."
—u/HypnoticBurden
"I feel amazed when someone remembers every detail of their childhood, all their schoolteachers' names from grades 1 through 12. My early years are mostly haze."
—u/GREASYROOFTOP
21."An adult acting childlike. People think it's cringe, but age regression is a trauma response. You can especially see this if you've ever been to a psych ward. People are clinging to blankets and stuffed animals. Childhood was probably the last time they existed without being traumatized."
—u/dinosanddais1
22."Childish activities become almost like treats. People can just enjoy watching things from their childhood or playing games independent of trauma, but it is incredibly common for people with trauma to want to relive the childhood they lost when they are in a safer environment."
23."Being an 'empath.' You actually have conditioned yourself to be highly attuned to micro changes that indicate negativity you need to look out for."
—u/OkJellyfish6400
24."Constant dark humor or self-deprecating humor. People might think you're really funny and forgiving, but sometimes they are both just coping mechanisms."
—u/IKickedASmurf
25."Being insecurely attached to friends and romantic partners."
26."Overexplaining."
—u/veronicagh
"Justifying your thoughts and actions in your head as if preparing for someone to pop in and demand an explanation."
—u/Anonymous7056
27."Constantly feeling that you need approval from other people."
—u/StriveForGreat1017
28."No eye contact. I know because even at the age of 45, I always struggle with this."
29."Someone once told me, 'Your parents shouldn't be your first bullies,' and holy FUCK, that rocked me. One sign you can notice in yourself that I didn't realize until I started therapy: You don't have physical sensations when feeling. Everything is just like...mental? It's hard to explain, but happiness is supposed to exist somewhere physically. Not every emotion is supposed to be represented by your permanent vague chest tension. Wild!"
"Another sign: You rarely, if ever, talk about yourself socially. I ask a shit ton of questions of people, and I am happy to listen to them and hear their problems, but I don't share much of myself with anyone. It makes it hard for me to deepen relationships because I don't practice vulnerability. I don't think people want to hear from me."
—u/AmbienWalrusTime
Are there other signs of childhood trauma that weren't mentioned above? If so, tell us what they are in the comments below.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) and find more resources here.
Dial 988 in the US to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The Trevor Project, which provides help and suicide-prevention resources for LGBTQ youth, is 1-866-488-7386. Find other international suicide helplines at Befrienders Worldwide (befrienders.org).
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
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Sterek Rival Lawyers AU
It's A (Court) Date
Imagine, high-class, Ivy League, hot-shot, attorney Derek comes back from New York to the family firm to take over as partners with his sister after his parents decide to step down. He may not be on the level of his mother yet, but he's cut his teeth against Wall Street wolves and ruthless white-collar sharks. Derek's more than proved himself, so he just can't fathom these small criminal court cases his family is making him take "before he's truly ready" to be a part of the family business.
Enter in his first case. Right out the gate, the state assigned defense is, not only late to court, but also arrives in a flurry of limbs and papers, tripping all over himself, and profusely apologizing to the room as a whole. "Sorry! Sorry! Car trouble!"
The guy is out of breath, tie crooked and hair a mess. It makes Derek wrinkle his nose at the unprofessionalism and the blatant disrespect to everyone's valuable time.
The presiding judge, the Honorable Ms. Lydia Martin, only sighs a heavy sigh, as if this sight is nothing new, and says "Mr. Stilinski, I suggest you don't let it happen again."
Derek is honestly getting annoyed by how easy this is going to be. He could've been doing literally anything else right about now rather than being here going against a common rent-a-lawyer with some Podunk community-college degree. The opening statement for the defense is laughably inept. Full of nervous stuttering, backtracking, running tangents, and babbling. He's still apologizing, trying to assure the jury that he's just having an off-day today.
It's embarrassing to watch.
Nonetheless, Derek goes through the motions, practiced and poised. Examines all the evidence, presenting times and dates, prior arrest records, the works.
During this time, Mr. Stilinski is frantically (and VERY LOUDLY) flitting through a cartoonishly large stack of papers and whispering to his client. Derek has to fight to grit his teeth through his presentation.
Finally, it's time for Mr. Stilinski to cross-examine Derek's client and, unbeknownst to him, the beginning of Derek's long, long spiral of madness for the rest of his career.
"Judge Martin, I would like to move to have this case thrown out."
"Oh?" asks Judge Martin. For some reason, there's an amused smirk, almost fond, tugging at her lips "On what grounds?"
A giddy, almost manic, grin takes over the defense attorney's face just then. "On the grounds that the prosecution's client is full of bullshit."
The judge rolls her eyes and an exasperated "Stiles," slips from her lips, seemingly against her will. (Derek's not really surprised by the familiarity between the two of them. With how often state-assigned lawyers are called to the courtroom on small cases, it wouldn't be too big of a leap to suggest they might be chummy.)
"Respectfully, of course." Mr. Stilinski--er Stiles?--winks back at her.
"Objection. Your honor, this is ridiculous."
"Overruled. Make your point, Stilinski."
"Mr. Davis says he saw my client at 12:30 P.M., on August 4th, attempting to take his back-right hubcap outside his apartment. Mr. Davis' apartment complex at that time, on that particular day, would have cast a huge shadow over the back lot as evidenced by the gaudy sundial-art-installation outside the courthouse. Meanwhile, my client's picture, when taken in for questioning, has a sunburn on the entire right side of his face. This would corroborate Mr. Lyle's story of walking home alone, down the upper, unshaded side of Elmore Street, during one of the hottest days of the year, for an hour straight. Also, the fact that Mr. Davis has no realistic idea how long it would actually take a person to steal a hubcap should be evidence enough."
"Uh-huh. And this wouldn't happen to be something you've ever had any expertise in, would it, counsel?"
"I plead the 5th."
And just like that, Derek's case is thrown out so quick, he's still reeling about it all the way home.
For the next two years, this becomes Derek's life. This man, this Stiles Stilinski, keeps showing up like a whirlwind and absolutely puts him in his paces.
Stiles, as he insists Derek call him, is a powerhouse. Relentless and unstoppable. That mouth can filibuster for literal hours (which, for those unfamiliar, is when someone legally cannot be forced to give up their time on the floor as long as they can keep talking), that brain quick as a whip, with a hunger for research, a mastery of the English language svelte enough to trip up even the most well-rehearsed lie, and an attention to detail like nothing Derek has ever witnessed before. It's like he knows every law inside and out. Lives it. Breathes it. It's like he had been raised on the law his whole life. Not only that, it's like Stiles enjoys it. Every case is a new game to get excited about.
All of it makes Derek's blood boil.
However, it's not always about losing to Stiles all the time, because, honestly, that might be less humiliating.
In truth, when faced against Stiles, Derek's bound to win about 60% of the time. Out of that 60%, only 5% of those wins actually feel earned. As for the other 55%?
He knows Stiles is letting him win.
Derek can't prove it, but he knows the asshole is holding back on purpose nearly half the time. Knowing that Stiles could have beaten him if he wanted to, but didn't, is somehow more frustrating than just losing.
He hates Stiles.
He hates that the guy is so chipper and playful all the damn time. He hates that Stiles could probably work at any firm he wanted, could make enough money to get a decent car that doesn't shit out all the time, could buy a proper-fitting suit, but instead CHOOSES to stay here "watching out for the little guy", as he so put it.
He hates that facing Stiles in court is the most challenged, the most motivated he's ever felt in his entire life. He hates that Stiles brings out in him the spark of passion and drive Derek had long thought had died. He hates that Stiles always tries to banter with him during recess or whenever they have to exchange evidence.
He hates finding out that Stiles only loses cases on purpose when his endless amounts of research points to the defendant actually being guilty of horrendous crimes, because Stiles is a good fucking person.
He hates Stiles' constant teasing and he hates that Stiles is somehow able to bring Derek down to his childish level to tease back. He hates how much he looks forward to court-dates with Stiles now. He hates being invited out by Stiles over and over to grab a bite together after a long day, as if Stiles hasn't been wiping the floor with him on this case for the last month. He hates it even more that he always accepts and that now they have their own designated booth at the diner across the street. Derek's so unbelievably frustrated, it makes him want to bite Stiles at the neck just to hear that smartass mouth squeal.
"Hey, I ever tell you I was thinking of quitting before you arrived?" Stiles asks one night as they're walking to their cars.
Derek's head immediately snaps to him at that. "What?"
Stiles smiles distantly at the thought. "Oh, yeah. Things had started feeling like being trapped in a cubicle, y'know? There wasn't any challenge in it anymore."
"What made you stay?"
"Well...you did. You were the first, serious competition I'd faced in a while. It wasn't a matter of winning just to win, anymore. Going against you always reminded me of the reason why it was important for me to win. It gave me stakes, because now there was an actual chance I could lose and an innocent person could go to jail. You, I don't know, kinda reignited my passion for fighting the good fight, I guess."
Derek can feel his heart thumping hard in his chest. He wants to say 'You did the same for me!' He wants to tell Stiles that he didn't think his life could ever be this fun or happy or messy or chaotic or exhilarating or challenging or fulfilling before coming to Beacon Hills.
But just as Derek goes to open his mouth to sing Stiles' praises, he instead finds himself roughly shoving him up against the Camaro and biting hungrily at that mouth and tongue that's been the bane of his existence. There's a surprised little squeak that Derek quickly swallows up, but it isn't long before they're both tearing at each others' clothes and fucking each other dirty in the backseat of Derek's car.
What's crazy is, after they get together, nothing in their careers really changes. The only difference is now they get to fuck each others' brains out after an intense battle in court (and the sound Stiles makes when Derek bites him is exactly what he always imagined it would sound like). They still face against each other on opposite sides in court. They still give it everything they got, no conceding even if they are dating now. Not to mention, Derek wouldn't dream of tempting Stiles over to his firm. Not when he knows Stiles is at his best staying where he's at.
The day Derek's family finally decides it's time for him to take over the firm with Laura is the best day of his and Stiles' lives.
Not only does Derek tell them he's declining, he hires Stiles as his attorney to negotiate terms against his entire family of well-seasoned lawyers.
The entire month-long negotiation results in Derek, not saying a single word, but absolutely beaming as he watches his boyfriend run circles around his mother, his father, his uncle, and both of his sisters on contracts. It's so unbelievably hot, they're banging on whatever flat surface they can get their hands on every time they leave the boardroom. There's even one very memorable blowjob in the empty hall outside the boardroom when Stiles somehow manages to get Peter to agree to a (most likely illegal) clause dictating the firm will pay Stiles a finder's fee for any pro-bono case Stiles takes on outside of Beacon Hills that strikes his fancy.
And, no one says it, but they all know Derek definitely, 100%, dragged his own firm through this negotiation just to show off how incredible Stiles is to his family and preen about it.
--
Fast-forward, Derek is going to be in the audience for the first time for one of Stiles' cases.
While waiting in the hall, Derek sees a familiar face from his New York days. The prosecution has hired the eighth best lawyer money can get, Jackson Whittemore. He's sporting a Rolex, sunglasses indoors, and the face of someone who thinks he's above literally every other person in town.
Well, at least until he sees Derek.
For some reason, Jackson seems to think Derek is all the way out in the middle of nowhere to 'watch a master at work' (which...well...is technically true...).
As Derek goes to sit in the audience, Jackson tells him in passing, "This'll be over so fast, probably won't even get a chance to learn the other guy's name."
Derek chuckles and says back, "Ooh, buddy, you have no idea."
Before Jackson can think more on that, a whirlwind of limbs and papers suddenly hurls through the doors.
Derek sits back, gets comfy, and waits eagerly for the show to begin.
My first moodboard. Hope you enjoy. AU based on a discussion with @casually-eat-my-soul (I suggest checking out their version). This was kind of like a divergence from that (the brain juices just started flowing).
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