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fireemblems24 · 3 years

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Dimitri's Supports

I have waited FOREVER for this. Let's go. And I decided to put my patience to the test, saving Dedue for last.

Since it's Dimitri and I love him, and like Dedue who I also love, he's the only one unlocking all his A-Supports, I'm going to blog all my reactions to them like I did with Dedue. Part of me wishes I thought of this for the other characters, but honestly it would've taken forever lol. Plus Dimitri and Dedue get special treatment because I said so.

Raphael

Starting off with something light hearted, I hope. I do wonder if I'm going to regret not saving this one for the inevitably heavy-handed stuff coming later.

I'm seriously betting this is a support you're supposed to get in part 1 lol. Dimitri sounds young (or maybe I'm just haven't heard non-growl part 2 Dimitri enough yet?)

Dimitri's training made Raphael think he was dying lol. Dimitri's strength is really meme tier.

I need fanart of Dimitri and Chrom co-miserating their mishandled strength breaking something. And Lucina.

Lamo, Raphael has never felt a cramp before. Lucky bastard.

Raphael is a sweetie, going to apologize to his muscles. I really wish they gave him something else to talk about other than muscles and food. Not everyone needs Dimitri tier development, but I think I'd like Raphael a lot more if he just got a smidge more depth.

Got to say, it's a bit jarring to go from "moments away from a suicide charge in the rain" to "lol, Raphael, it's muscle pain." As glad as I am that I got this support, I do think some should've been locked to part 1.

And this isn't just for Dimitri's development. I also saw Marianne and Raphael's B before this support and she reverted back to her part 1 self too.

Catherine

Maybe it's just me, but he does sound a bit older.

OMG - Dimitri's back. 😭😭😭

Sorry, it didn't really hit in that first one since that seemed like a part 1 support.

Oh, cool! I was wondering if anyone would bring up Catherine returning to Faerghus. My bets is she's too loyal to Rhea. (I guessed right)

Catherine be simpin. That's ok, I get it.

So it's not because Catherine dislikes Dimitri, or that she's absolutely needed to rule House Charon, so I think Dimitri just likes her. She's cool though. I get it.

Lamo, she told him he'd better get his sleep like he's a kid.

Curious how the A+ support will play out.

Mercedes

Team Mom's support!

Oh, no, this one's taking a serious turn isn't it? But their initial supports were so light and cute.

Mercedes just told Dimitri that he's kind to a fault. Somehow I know he's going to deny that.

Annnnnd I'm right 😭😭😭He's still calling himself a killer and disgusting monster 😭😭😭

OK - so THIS seems perfectly in tone with his recent character development. But it's so sad hearing him still talk about himself that way.

Mercedes is such a therapist. I can't. She's too pure. But savage. I saw that Lorenz support.

"I am scared . . . so scared that I will forget their faces." 😭😭😭😭😭😭 Dimitri why????

Mercedes telling Dimitri to live in the present. Her supports are always so good. I legit think she's easily a top 10 favorite in this game.

Wow, Dimitri saying if someone told him that 5 years ago, he'd be different. DID NO ONE EVER GIVE HIM ANY HELP AT ALL???

I love how she's talking to him as a classmate, and equal, and not talking up to him. He's always wanted that.

Dimitri's never given his own dreams any thought 😭😭😭He really was just 100% living for other people most of the time. 😭😭😭

Awww MERCEDES, I can't. She says she just wants to keep being his friend. This is so damn sweet. And heavy. But still sweet.

It just hits super hard knowing how badly Dimitri just wanted friends in part 1. And looking back, Mercedes and Sylvain were really the only two who were pretty casual with him.

Aww, yeah, Mercedes not putting up with the bullshit, Dimitri. Telling him to quit the self-deprecation! God, I love her.

Oh, God, they both said the old FE code for "we're married" i.e. I want to "stay by your side."

Ok, @garlandgerard, I totally get why you ship this. Mercedes loves to nurture people, and Dimitri's emotionally needy, so they match pretty well. She also didn't put up with the constant self-put-downs, but stayed gentle about it. And they talked like equals too, like friends, which is what Dimitri always wanted. It's all very sweet.

Annette

Yeah, see, this one starts off with "your highness," but Mercedes it was just Dimitri. No hate for Annette. She's my girl.

These two always give me sibling vibes.

Haha, Annette "I thought I already knew you, but I'm not sure I really do." Hmmmm wonder what Dimitri did that made her think that maybe there's parts of him she didn't know. No. idea.

Hey, Annette, no one blames you for not knowing what to say to Dimitri when they reunited lol.

Annette too pure too, wanting to cheer Dimitri up with his favorite food.

Her not knowing what he likes to eat is 100% that moment when you realize you don't know someone's favorite color.

HOW can Dimitri have no strong feelings about food. I'm having pizza right now. Let me tell you, I have strong feelings about some food.

I love how easily Dimitri deflected from talking about himself lol.

Awwww, Annette wants to live with her family again. I'll make that happen, Annette. Don't worry.

Haha, they're conspiring together behind Gilbert's back.

They still have an A+ support, which is weird, because that seemed pretty well ended? Like I see why Catherine's needed more, but not this one. Still, not going to say no. I like their dynamic.

Ingrid

OCF they're training. God I love all the Faerghus childhood group though.

Oh, fuck, here comes Glenn again. My heart's not ready for this with Rodrigue dead. Poor Felix.

Ingrid being Dimitri's knight 😊😊😊 as it should be.

Haha, Dimitri asks her for an interpretation. Just make her your knight.

Glad he hasn't started saying "I'm not worthy!" Because right now it's about Ingrid's feelings.

Wow, there, Ingrid. "However you please, Your Highness." That . . . that sounds like an invitation. To "staying by your side."

Dimitri laughed. 😊😊😊

Oh, God, this is so cute. His pause asking her to support and defend him as his knight. 😊😊😊 OMG. I'm not sure that's all she had in mind though, good Sir, have you LOOKED in the mirror?

Seriously though, Ingrid's just surrounded by studs, isn't she?

Oh, God, I'm right. She didn't just mean knight. But Dimitri's too dense in that area to notice. She crushing hard. Girl, I get you.

She blushing, saying "for the Kingdom," naw, she just like him. Me too, Ingrid. Me too.

Dimitri always makes people promise not to die on him. It's so sad considering . . .

Flayn

With Flayn it's always a toss up. Sometimes things are super light hearted, and other times it's way heavy.

On a random note, does no one wonder why Flayn hasn't aged a day in 5 years?

Flayn having nightmares. Not allowed. I bet it's fucking Jeritza's fault. I'm glad you get to rip him a new one so many times in this game.

Why is Flayn apologizing?? She's never done a thing wrong in her life.

Right, Flayn's other support with Dimitri was pretty heavy. And it started so funny with him stomaching her food.

Oh, good grief, what's he apologizing for? Ok - so Dimitri did do some things wrong. But not to Flayn.

He lied. Let me guess. Her food actually sucks.

Aw, got it. He went right to the meal. Is he really going to come out and say, well it actually sucked 😂

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE MEALS???? AND THE TEA an embarrassing amount of tea.

Wait. He can't taste ANYTHING??? Like. How? Did he hide that????

Ok - I need to look at his team and dining dialogue.

OMG. He really never says a word about how anything tastes? He always just talks about smells????

OMG. How did I NOT NOTICE. I've taken Dimitri to dinner a million times. And tea timed him too many times to admit too.

AND I NEVER NOTICED HE NEVER ONCE SAID HOW ANYTHING TASTED. HOW.

OMG that support with Annette hits different now 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

OMG and Dedue's support with Flayn hits different now. Since he wanted to badly to find food Dimitri loves 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Does Dedue know? Is that why he's so dedicated to cooking??

Can I headcannon that?

OMG, I feel so awful about that jab about pizza. Dimitri CAN'T TASTE pizza or anything 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Please someone tell me there isn't any more "this awful thing also happened to Dimitri and he's failed to tell you" like learning he almost fucking died at Duscur. And now this. Dimitri needs to learn how to fucking complain.

The writers are so fucking mean to Dimitri. OMG. OMG, how am I supposed to take him to dinner and tea now, knowing this?

Why does everything hit so differently now? And so many Blue Lions supports are about food - but Dimitri can't relate

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

This game needs to stop bullying Dimitri.

But like, God, can you imagine? Not tasting anything? I'd starve. I'd actually starve. I never really get hungry. I really would starve.

On the flip side, he's good for Flayn then, since someone can eat her cooking I guess.

"I was just saying what I thought you would want to hear . . ." Dimitri - a summary.

Naw, that's a kind lie. That kind of lie doesn't really hurt anyone.

Oh - dear God. Flayn. Stop. No sampling pungent food.

Oh, she blushing. Dimitri got her blushing

Please tell me in their paired ending Dimitri gets his taste back.

Oh, there's an A+, does he taste something. Please tell me he tastes something.

This support though. It wasn't really one on my radar but

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Gilbert

Oh, man, this one right after Flayn's. God, I'm going to need the Alois one after this. Gilbert and Dimitri are two of the most somber characters in the franchise.

And I haven't forgotten that heartbreaking B support.

Haha Lambert sucked at lying too. Dimitri too pure. Weirdly, despite everything, it's still pretty true.

Oh, shit, oh shit, we're back to Dimitri's demand that Gilbert kill him. I'm betting you usually get that in part 2.

God, imagine seeing Dimitri recover only to see him beg for death again 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I need alcohol.

I need the Alois support.

OMG, shit, Dimitri. No. Don't. Stop.

Like, I know Gilbert won't really kill him, but damn. This support is heavy.

No, Dimitri, no Gilbert is not cruel for not killing you. God.

Oh, not sure about this. I get what Gilbert's going at here, but telling Dimitri that he's not allowed to die because he's got a duty is . . . I think Rodrigue's and Mercedes' live for what you want/the present is a LOT healthier.

At the same time, this is a pretty effective way to make sure Dimitri won't go and try this again, because he really takes duty seriously.

Dimitri doesn't wish to die? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Oh, thank God.

"Many times I have felt that I cannot afford to die . . . But this was the first time I truly feared the prospect." 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

"Is it really right for me to live?" Oh, dear God. I'm so soft for Dimitri. I can't.

Gilbert answered that one right. 100%.

Damn, these supports.

Alois

OK. I need this one. I really need this one.

I really hope Alois' inspiration is bad puns. I need bad puns right now.

Pretty sure this is a part 1 support though. I love how Alois, not Dimitri, is leading this. And that the person the Kingdom NEEDS is running around and getting attacked by monsters lol

Ok, bad puns. Bring them.

There we go. Thank you, thank you, Alois.

OMG no one's laughing 😂😂😂

Dimitri's laughing 😭😭😭😭😭😭

That's it. This is always getting saved for part 2. I need to hear part 2 Dimitri laugh.

I'm also so glad someone finds Alois funny. Dimitri and Petra need to start a club.

OMG I love the two other confused soldiers. I needed this 😂😂😂

Marianne

These two were so sweet in their C and B supports.

I swear I'm going to end up shipping Dimitri with everyone. Except maybe Annette, no hate, they just seem so much like brother and sister to me.

And Felix x Annette 100%

Survivor's Guilt - the pairing. Both wondering why they survived 😭😭😭

"There are so many others who are much more deserving of life . . ." - who said it? Marianne or Dimitri?

These two just understand how each other feels so well. It hits so different compared to Marianne's other romantic possible supports where they just try to make her smile.

Instead these two take comfort in finding someone who understands how they feel so well and feel relieved they can share that with someone.

Haha - "I must go on living. I cannot give in to death so readily." This coming right after his support with Gilbert. Good job, Gilbert.

They've both had it so rough 😭😭😭😭😭😭

"There is no need to force yourself to smile as your soul bleeds." Dimitri always gives such good advice that he never follows.

Aww, now at least it's getting cute instead of just heavy. Marianne laughed too 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Yesss, Girl, preach. I got a little sick of her other supports all being "cheer up!" Like I know it's all in good faith, but I'm so glad this chain exists. It just hits different.

Dimitri doesn't think he's strong enough to live his life. 😭😭😭 this game. I swear.

ohhhh - ohhh, Dimitri blushing now. And all she needed to say was they've been brought closer together. Congrats Marianne!

OHHHH tables have been turned. Now someone's making Dimitri promise he needs to live!

"I don't know what I'd do with myself if we lost you . . ."

"I promise to the goddess of Fodlan that I will never give you cause for despair."

OMG these two are being so sweet, I can't. 😭😭😭😊😊😊

Felix

Oh, boy, here we go. This should be . . . interesting.

Oh, we're starting off good I see. Felix telling Dimitri he needs to answer quickly or get cut in half 😔Felix. No.

Dimitri sounds so somber 😭

Dimitri admitting both are him - the vengeful "boar" and the friendly good person. And this is why I love him.

Dimitri feels the need to shoulder all the regret the dead feel, please don't. They wouldn't want that 😭😭😭😭😭

"The dead won't acknowledge your loyalty, they don't care." - Felix not wrong there.

I partly agree with the idea Dimitri is "serving his own ego" by claiming he's acting for the dead. I think it's a bit more complicated than that, but I think that's part of it.

Felix saying some good stuff here about the dead being dead and the living being living.

"If you keep stringing gravestones around your neck, you'll snap." - Felix, I don't know if you noticed but . . . uh . . . he sort of did.

Felix telling Dimitri to become a grave keeper is a bit funny. Not going to lie.

"I'm not immune to emotion you know." - just tsunderes things

Aw, Felix is upset his father died 😭😭 after all that shit-talking about Rodrigue 😭😭

Wish Felix didn't cut Dimitri off when he said "more than anyone you-" (care about other people, unless he joins CF and just kills everyone)

Oh, God, Felix is such a tsundere. "I couldn't stand the pathetic look on your face. That's all." Sure, Felix.

Kinda wish these two had an A+ though. Seems like there's more to do than the A+ with Annette and Flayn.

Really curious to see what their paired ending is like after that. Seems they're still learning to learn about each other. Well, Felix is. Dimitri didn't seem too upset lol.

Dedue

Ok guys. Here we go. I can't believe I managed to wait for this for last. Everyone hyped this one, so let's hope.

Really? We open with Dimitri having scars on his back? 😭

From 9 years ago? So scars from Duscur then?

Images of shirtless Dimitri now. though Not bad images.

He got scars protecting Dedue?

"It makes me think that is was worthwhile that someone like me survived." 😭😭😭 he's talking about protecting Dedue? 😭😭😭

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

"But I saved someone - saved you. That and that alone has been my crutch." 😭😭😭😭😭

I always knew these two were co-dependent.

Dimitri really out here saying that saving Dedue helped him "justify" surviving. 😭😭😭😊😊😊

OMG THAT'S THEIR STORY

OMG, poor Dedue. And Dimitri 😭😭😭did he literally "take a bullet" to save Dedue 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 and still has scars? No wonder Dedue's so loyal. Some kid he didn't know did that. That's one hell of an introduction.

And picturing little Dedue just resigned and angry and waiting to die and just 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Oh, Dedue, you've repaid that debt ten-fold I'm sure.

Ahaha, Dimitri's doing the "you'd better accept your worth!" discussion this time lol.

Dear God these two. Now Dimitri's bringing up that Dedue busted him out of the jail.

I swear, these two have more of a plot off screen than some routes do on screen.

And now picturing Dimitri resigned and just ready to die. And then Dedue busts in. 😭😭😭

"That was nothing more than my duty as your vassal." Stop that Dedue. Dimitri doesn't want you to be his vassal. He wants more.

Holy shit.

"You are irreplaceable. Cherished." 😭😭😭😊😊😊😭😭😭😊😊😊😭😭😭😊😊😊😭😭😭😊😊😊

Not to be that person - but I tell all my "friends" that.

Yes, Dedue, stop saying insisting you're just a "vassal" - that's a worse joke than Alois' puns from earlier.

"Please . . . do not look at me that way." What way, like you're about to make Dimitri cry, or like . . .

"You promised me you would build a Kingdom that is proud to boast of Duscur blood." - shit, man, these two. I just . . .

OMG so much emotion from Dedue. The only time I ever heard that before was in VW when he learned Dimitri died. But let's not remember that right now 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Oh shit. He called him "Dimitri." 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

And it made him blush.

OMG.

Guys, these two.

Aww, Dimitri looks so surprised. 😊😊😊😊😊😊

Oh, these two are so soft for each other. I can't. I just can't.

"To be your friend . . . is what I have always wanted." You're going to get it.

Man, I feel almost guilty S-Supporting Dimitri. He needs to pair up with Dedue pronto.

Dimitri sounds chocked up. OMG.

"So please call upon me when you walk alone at night." Ok. Dedue. Ok. Yes. Guys. This is all very straight.

I'm not saying it's - you know - cannon, but there's some big feels here.

Oh, Dimitri, stop it. You like Dedue's overprotectiveness. Don't lie.

Man, you guys were so right. Dimitri really just came out and said Dedue was "cherished" and "irreplaceable." Like, I'm not making this stuff up. And Dedue blushing hardcore just saying Dimitri's name.

They're both just so soft. I can't. I literally cannot. This support was gold. It was worth all they hype.

And learning more about how they meant. Dimitri really taking a bullet for Dedue there. I just . . .

I just want all the happiness for both of them. They're really something special towards each other. Like I legitimately think this is one of the most two-way loyal relationships in the whole franchise, and definitely the tightest bond in this game.

Like in past games you had Seth for Ephraim and Erikia and Soren for Ike and it's not like Ike, Ephraim and Erikia and etc don't care, but it wasn't the same level, you know? But this is such a two way street.

And I'm so weak for bodyguard with a crush. Like Seth/Eirika? Yes. Geoffrey/Elincia? 100%. Riza/Roy (Fullmetal Alchemist) there again. I'm sure there's more, but those are my top ones. Even Merlin/Arthur sort of counts even if Arthur doesn't know Merlin's his bodyguard lol.

I need to read fanfic for these two. I really don't want to spoil anything, but I'm dying. They're both just so sweet, and I just really love their dynamic. I really want to do a write up on it once I get to the end of the game.

#fire emblem #fire emblem three houses #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #dimitri fire emblem #fe3h #fe16

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a--knightinsourarmor · 4 years

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PLEASE, READ THOSE RULES BEFORE DECIDING IF YOU WANT US TO INTERACT

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ASKS: You are free to send an ic ask to all of my blogs. My main or my sideblogs, as long as you specify, I don’t mind. You can continue an ask I have answered. I actually encourage you to do so.

STARTERS: My open starters are actually open to everyone and don’t hesitate to reply to one if someone else already has. Then I’ll reply to another post and tag you. If I offer to make a starter and you accept and you don’t reply after a month, and if I have messaged you and you haven’t responded but you are actually active, sorry but no matter how specifically we have plotted our thread, I’ll assume you are not interested anymore and turn it to an open starter. I put some time into those and I don’t want it to be to waste.

CROSSOVERS/AUS: I really love writing AUs and crossovers. I enjoy the possibility of characters from other fandoms interacting with each other. I have crossover verses for some of my muses and more will be added in the near future. For characters from fandoms I am not aware of, I’d like to write with them on a modern verse or one both muns agree on. For those characters, I’ll treat them like OCs.

OCS: I enjoy writing with OCs, as long as they have enough info and our writing mesh well. For most OCs, our first thread will be one that our muses get to know each other for the first time. I’d like for them to meet as complete strangers and let their relationship build naturally.

ENGLISH: English is not my mother language. I have learnt English completely alone and it’s something that has been hard for me. I understand telling me if I have made any mistakes or ask me if you didn’t understand something but I won’t take any criticism.

MEMES/FANART: This is something I had recently started to be annoyed with. Please, do not use me as meme or fanart source. This goes for roleplay partners or not. Please, reblog memes AND fanart from the source.

SPOILERS: This blog is not spoiler-free. I will tag spoilers: #|| spoilers || and try to keep everything under READ MORE. You have been warned.

THANK YOU FOR READING MY RUMBLING BEFORE FOLLOWING ME FIRST. PLEASE CHECK MY MUSES AND NAVIGATION PAGE AND FILL MY INTEREST CHECKER. ALSO YOU CAN CHECK MY VERSES AND OPEN STARTERS. YOU CAN MESSAGE ME AND PLOT ANY TIME. THANKS FOR YOUR TIME. JUST FYI I MIGHT NOT BE TALKATIVE. THIS IS NOT PERSONAL AND DOESN’T MEAN I AM NOT INTERESTED FOR OUR MUSES TO INTERACT..

UPDATES

DAY/MONTH/YEAR: -

16/03/2021: REWRITTEN MY RULES

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chainedkura · 4 years

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Coming out and Queerness

I’m going to share some of my thoughts and personal experiences with these two topics.

First a bit of my history. Since I was really young (let’s say 7 or 8) I’ve been teased, kinda ridiculized and lowkey bullied because of my voice and my femeninity. The “Gay” epiteth was a thing I listened pretty frecuently in my early childhood. At the time I had the amazing luck and privilege of having a big group of friends and being kinda “popular” in school, so even when some of the kids were saying those things it didn’t actually affect me that much. I was a happy kid who didn’t undersand sexuality or any of those kind of stuff. I remember being peer pressured to have some “girlfriends” and trying to kiss a girl at some point (Spoiler alert: I didn’t) but it didn’t feel neither “right” nor “wrong” it was just kind of a game. I’ve always felt it like playing pretend.

This story changes at age 11 when I realize my queerness. I remember being on the internet and suddenly stumbling upon some really NSFW gay fanart of one of the animes I watched at the time. That was the first time I’ve felt aroused. After that, a long process of self acceptance came along, with a lot of denial and a teenage “romance” with a girl in my highschool with a disastrous ending, of course. At age 13 I have my first proper crush on a boy (that’s a story for another time) and then, having to do something with the situation with my “girlfriend” I came out to my closest friends at the time.

My family is pretty progressive and I always knew they would understand me and support me but coming out is a really hard thing to do. It’s scary as hell. As a teenager who was dealing with his sexuality, self worth, and some other stuff, it was something I couldn’t just do. I hated being closeted, not being able to be totally myself, but at the same time the idea of telling my family who I was turned my blood to ice.

So I made a decision, I would live my life as the queer person I was, outside the eye of my family and whenever I had the obligation to come out (being it having a relationship) I would do it. This leaded to myself being closeted until I turned 16, when I dated for the first time (another story for another time). At that time I came out as gay to my family because I didn’t want to lie about my relationship.

Here’s where the story gets real juicy. Even though I had came out and everything was a bit bettter, my identity was not just my sexual orientation. At the time I didn’t realize this (I mean, I just realized this during this past year) but there was a lot of things I wanted to do with my personal image and my gender expression that I wasn’t allowed to.

Patriarchy and gender sterotypes are within us all and at the time my parents and myself included had some severe internalized homofobia. Everything was fine with my queerness as long as I didn’t want to break some of the gender rules, as long as I kept myself in the really limited spectrum of gay masculinity.

I remember having some really heated arguments with my parents because I wanted to grow and paint my nails or wear some makeup or grow out my hair and straighten it.

I really hate fighting, I loathe conflict and I’m kind of a coward so when this stuff started happening I just stopped doing the things I wanted and told myself “You’ll be able to do them when you’re older”.

Because of this I reduced and restricted the experience of my queerness to just the “acceptable” portions of it. I ignored all these other aspects of my identity to fit a mould. And I hated it.

This last year, after internalizing myself with some queer knowledge and meeting a really interesting person, I started wondering about my own identity once again.

After hours of thought and doubt and some more research I found the missing piece to the puzzle of my identity. I’m not a gay man, because I was never a man. I’m not a woman either. I am just me, a genderqueer person.

So now I found myself again, 8 years later, feeling that same fear and anxiety of coming out. But now I don’t have that boldness of my teenage years. I’ve managed to tell two of my friends, but chickened out when I wanted to tell the others.

Today I had a really cool exchange with my parents about gender and sexuality, because my dad is having a training course on the topic, and my mum asked me about non-binary identities. It was a perfect moment to just come out and talk about it, but I was too scared to do it. I felt horrible explaining some of the concepts and saying “They” instead of “We”.

I’m going to cut this here because this is way too long. I just wanted to rant about my story and feelings a bit. Thanks to whoever read all this giant stupid shit.

#Queer #LGBTQ #genderqueer #coming out story #my journey #rant

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spirit-of-vengeance · 5 years

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7th ROTG anniversary. Time to get emotional.

I never written this down, but now I feel the need due to the intense nostalgia and the notice of how quickly time is fleeing. I have a tale to tell, I need to share my story about how this film changed my life. Warning: it's long.

Brief into: I believed in the Santa, Easter Bunny (I really wanted in the Toothfairy too and unfortunately never heard about Jack or Sandy) even when I was 10. (Which was considered pretty old to believe) I even got into an argument with my teacher in the 3rd grade because she said 'stop being childish, they aren't real' because I was excitedly whispering with my classmate about catching the Santa this year. A boy, who ironically looked exactly like Jack Frost began endlessly teasing me and calling me stupid for still thinking he's real. On the way back home with mom I confronted her about this, not giving up until she told me whenever he was right or not. Backed into a corner, she was forced to give up. I cried every day for weeks. The magic was ripped away from me.

Year 2012, December. I'm 11 and a victim of hardcore bullying since my whole life. Students, teachers and sometimes parents. To cheer me up, mom took me to the shopping center to watch a movie. We couldn't really decide & she saw a giant poster of North smiling at people. Her eyes lit up and excitedly said 'Let's watch that! ' I followed the direction of her finger and my face scrunched in malice "I am not watching a movie with the Santa. Its stupid. I'm a big girl, I want to watch a bloody action movie! " but she was unbending. She could bribe me into it with a large bowl of popcorn; I was still grumbling when the lights went out.

The change: first snowflakes, first notes of the piano worked like magic. I immediately shut up and wondered what actually happens here. Why is it so soothing? At the first few shots of the North Pole when North is working on the ice train, I jumped in my seat and I shit you not, I thought the Santa is actually getting murdered. My eyebrow rose higher when I realized that guy with the chainsaw and swords is the Santa. Unfortunately, I can't remember more first reactions; stress, depression, traumas really ruined my long term memory. It seems silly now, but I kept the last piece of popcorn what I was munching on during it, I still have it in a little jewel box; one of my sacred memories. The car ride back to home was quiet, I was staring out of the window my mind stirring with creativity.

Aftermath: 2013-2018; while my classmates were busy getting drunk, being a petty bitch, giving oral in the toilet, (yes. I am talking about elementary school.), getting laid, I was lost in a world of wonder. I learnt 60% of my English knowledge in 3 months with reading fanfiction. I browsed deviantart for hours and laughed my ass off at the hilarious, extremely well done fanarts.

I grew up on mostly Blackice videos I wasn't 100% aware what I'm actually seeing tho, I was exposed to gay ships from a young age and plot twist, nothing serious happened😀. My mental health wasn't shit because I saw the Bogeyman and the Winter spirit kiss.

I began talking to the Moon. I cried my pain to him. Sitting on my windowstill, debating whenever I should jump or not. My extraordinarily strong bond with my mom and this film were my only lifeline. I was making it through, in my own world. My imagination created wonderful sights, scenarios; at nights I was certain I can spot Sandy on his cloud, at Christmas North trying to push himself out of the chimney cussing, at Easter that enormous bunny running around, at winters mostly yelling at Jack 'get out of my country' because I'm a summer person, going to school on a chilly yet sunny autumn day and see Pitch standing on the edge of the misty forest.

I began to change, respond to the pressure from my bullies. My personality began to morph. See the wonder in everything; like North. There's hope and spite, don't dare to give up; like Bunny. Awaken and enjoy creativity; like Sandy. Shit on the rules and have a damn good time no matter what; like Jack. Cherish memories and friends; like Tooth. Be ruthless and stand up from the most brutal blows; like Pitch. And never forget, the Moon will always be there even when he's an antisocial dick and says nothing.

My aim, my dream was to write the sequel. When I was done I wanted to send it to William Joyce. I wrote 200+ pages, but unfortunately in Hungarian. I still don't know why I stopped, why I abandoned that plan.

I was looking for ROTG posters because I wanted to email them to my friend to show what I've been obsessed with. I was just lazily staring at a Pitch poster, realizing his V neck actually never closes - then my eyes crossed the date: November 21. I let out an ungodly shriek of disbelief and mirth. Mom rushed into the living room with terror and met with the sight of me screaming in ecstasy "RISE OF THE GUARDIANS CAME OUT ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!! "

Around 2016 I became really interested in this roleplay stuff and oh god I was terrible. Cindy Flame then was an always angry Mary sue but after years of practice, expanding she is a completely built, extremely complex character, flawed, strong, tragic and ruthless; divine yet oh so human. So I was making friends online, most of them failed, I think one of them committed suicide but that belongs to an another story.

I have been lurking Tumblr for 3 years? More? Because I had no idea how this site worked and I was shy because I thought my writing is not good enough I realize now I felt right. I admired blogs from afar, read their writing and falling deeper and deeper into this fandom.

Nearing present day: I actually came to Tumblr to pursue a friend of mine. I was borderline desperate because I've thought they are one of the last one in the fandom and it scared me. The fun thing is, I actually never interacted with them after making this blog. So I break this two year old spell and hi @kingofnxghtmares it's me, Jasmine😊 You don't have to answer/interact/or anything, I wanted to get everything off my chest and finally tagging you just felt right.

So now I'm on Tumblr. And I love every second it. I've found amazing friends, insanely dynamic muses, crack threads, angst, the chance to expand my muse even more and where I belong. So there I am, wondering where 7 years went. I've grown up (somewhat), and I'm glad I was protected from the 'disaster teenage years ', drinking, heartbreak, drugs, etc instead I grew up in a magical world interviewed with reality so closely; it became an escape place when reality became too heavy.

About ROTG & finale: masterpiece. The animation is insanely lifelike yet fantasy. Every tiny, microscopic detail is perfect, the characters, the storyline, the atmosphere original and capturing. The music is gut wrenching. Everything is absolutely, 200% on point. I don't think there ever will be an animated movie which can be better than Rise of the Guardians animation and/or storywise. No 'love is the answer ' movies can ever come close this iconic masterpiece no matter how they rip it off looking at Frozen 2😒

I watched it today (I have it in Spanish as well and I only can encourage everyone to watch it, the Spanish voice acting is, 100% in my opinion Pitch's bested Jude Law, damn that rich hiss of malice was incredible ) on my 18th birthday while cuddling with mom, laughing and heavy with nostalgia. I think I will remain in this fandom for a very long time, I don't think I would ever be able to let it go due to my deep emotional ties. I would like to thank everyone who were present in making this film, the artists who still keep this fandom alive, all of my friends, roleplay partners; thank you for brightening my childhood, giving me purpose and a place to belong.

To my all of my friends:

@paintbrushtheelf @muerte-rojo @nightmarinqs @mr-mansnoozie @gatekeeperoftheunderworld @50shadesofpitchblack @flossinspector @magicmiyeh

@black-equals-mysoul @nxghtlight @lindzem

I love all of you,

Jasmine

#Trigger warnings for mentions of suicidal thoughts #wow this is long #And angsty #Idk who read it completely but they deserve a medal for it #wild author appearing without makeup #I know I don't look 18.#Long story cut short: ROTG came out on my birthday and I'm emotional #🔥author/writer's note🔥 | smoldering embers

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daturanerium · 5 years

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finished season two of the magnus archives! here is my s2 livetweet thread and here are my reflections/predictions from season one.

jon:

you are so fucking stupid. so incomprehensibly dumb. it is absolutely incredible how you lack any brain cells at all.

if jon was a dnd character he’d have a plus three to intelligence and a negative two to wisdom. i’m right.

[jon voice] people care about me? Must Be A Manipulation Tactic!

[jon voice, continued] literally everyone except for me is a) a murderer, b) using me, or c) hiding something. i, however, am totally fine and also sane and if you imply otherwise you are definitely Hiding Something and i need to stalk you.

seriously it’s a goddamn miracle he wasn’t fired or didn’t just like....explode on the spot

that awkward moment when you befriend a cop and get tapes that may lead to your successor’s cold murder case being solved but in the process you learn that you and your place of employment are actually owned by The Great, All-Powerful [REDACTED]

it’s so interesting listening to a man’s mental health and sanity decline in real time!

martin: do u want some tea? jon: you’re going to kill me huh?

[jon voice] it is a good idea for me to enter these dangerous tunnels alone on multiple occasions. i am fine.

his fatal flaw is still pursuit of knowledge. love that for him.

baby please you work for an entity that probably literally thrives off knowledge.......please grow some brain cells in season three before you literally die doing something stupid

i literally can’t say anything more about s2 jon that isn’t me just repeating “stupid dumb paranoid baby” over and over again

martin:

martin [shaking hands emoji] me playing the mediator as our family loses their minds around us

martin blackwell recieves everything he has ever wanted and needed challenge!!!

baby i love you

HE CARES SO MUCH AND NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIM.......

martin’s job this season is literally the concerned husband but we’re not ready to talk about that yet

my dude really stepped up at the end! he was gonna fight michael in hand to hand combat for jon and sasha and i’m so proud of him!

martin went from baby to hold my flower

martin saw some shit in season one and now he’s a badass

his poetry.....i cried i literally love him so much

when he was talking to tim in the tunnels and he just breaks. and yells. and says he wants to get out of here and save jon and help sasha and be happy and you know what if everything DID turn out in the end that would be kind of nice actually!!!!

we didn’t see much of him this season but from what we did, especially at the end......the character development.......he’s so much braver now, so much more ready to confront the horrors of the world around him. martin is one of those special people that runs on love and uses love as a driving force to fight for the things he needs.

i hope someday martin gets to sit down in a nice little cottage in the middle of nowhere with someone who loves him and just. relax. it’s what he deserves.

tim

you are the only bitch in this house i ever respected

literally just trying his best

so incredibly valid

GIVE HIM A BREAK

as someone who is the least confrontational person on the planet i really respect and admire tim calling jon out on his bullshit

that scene was so cathartic.....god.....

@ THE ELDRICH BEING RUNNING THE ARCHIVES CAN YOU PLEASE LET HIM GO HE JUST WANTS TO LEAVE

tim at the beginning of s2: hey jon you okay? you’re acting weird and it’s kind of freaking us out tim at the end of s2: fuck archivist lives and jon in particular,

and you know what? he’s right

i hope tim gets to go home. it won’t happen but i can dream.

are we just gonna brush over that part in the finale where michael just???? bamfed them to another dimension or something????? because neither tim nor martin seemed the least bit phased

honestly tim/jon has rights. i enjoy it.

he’s just so angry and hurt and done. he’s reached his limit. goodbye

get tim out of the archives s3!!! do it!!!

gertrude

wow i love you

every time i hear gertrude’s voice i just go [one thousand teary-eyes emojis]

there’s a lot we don’t know and there’s a lot that she knows. i wish we could like. raise her from the dead or something. altho honestly with a horror podcast who the hell knows

jon listening to/hyperfixating on gertrude is just a fancy way of him claiming her as his new mother figure

GOD I LOVE HER I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HER CAN WE GET A SPINOFF PLEASE

basira and daisy

the only cops with rights

that part where tim thought basira was jon’s girlfriend and they both dissolved into gay panic.....priceless

daisy step on me challenge. i’ve met her twice and i love her.

honestly basira is such a badass. stealing from the cops while being a cop? that takes guts and i really respect her lack of respect toward cops while being one

not to mention that entire business with that sentient cult darkness shit. she killed it in there (no pun intended). give her like a purple heart or something idk how cops work

daisy.....please tell me your secrets. what have you seen. what do you know.

melanie

please work for the archives i am BEGGING you

my ghost hunter girlfriend

i love her and jon’s relationship. just pure loathing. tension between the hunter and the archivist. i live for that shit.

but under that it’s like Oh Shit I Actually Care A Lot???? like their loathing comes from their businesses being judgemental enemies, but personally they actually have a lot in common and care for each others’ wellbeing.

i really hope melanie sticks around so we can learn more about her and see her friendship with jon grow into....an actual friendship

shes also a total badass and both her research and deducing skills are so good. she’s just a great archive candidate overall.

michael

[REDACTED]

what the fuck are you

what the fuck do you want

why do i like you so much.

okay there’s a lot more going on here but i’m putting my predictions under the cut!

okay lets check out my predictions from last time.

okay this one was partially right! “entities” rule the world apparently, and the archive is run by one of them. sort of got that!

.....yeah that didn’t happen.

hell yeah! i’m proud of myself for this one, even though the time loop part wasn’t true. i thought “time loop” because her voice started echoing when she hit the table, but turns out that was just her crazy long copy taking over. oh well!

nope. gertrude was killed by elias, apparently. fucker.

WELL.........

okay. this one is complicated because i was sort of correct but there’s still a lot of information i don’t know. gonna give myself half credit for this one i think.

REMEMBER IN THE FINALE WHEN MARTIN THOUGHT HE SAW SASHA AND TIM HAD TO STOP HIM FROM RUNNING IN TO SAVE HER? YEAH.

okay, season three predictions. let's go.

(disclaimer: while i haven’t been actively looking up spoilers or engaging in the tma tag, i also haven’t muted the tag or anything associated with it. i have ideas of what’s to come but they’re vague and mostly come from fanart on my dash/timeline).

jon just gives up. he’s having to much of a crisis to do anything other than his job.

jonmartin endgame still

michael becomes a sort of??? constant presence??? at the archive. everyone just kind of accepts it.

the books and the entities make a lot more things make sense. that’s really vague i know but like.

predictions for the entities:

fire/destruction

knowledge (jon stans rise up)

empty/alone (these stories always get to me the most. the ones where you’re endlessly falling or trapped in a cave or can’t sleep or stuck in space. shit scares me more than anything else)

chaos (i think michael is with this one. the doors also fit into this category, and maybe that shipping company)

death/id (brings out the bareness of human instinct. the meat, the bloodlust, and the death. maybe even the bugs go here, but they’re confusing. i don’t know where they fit.)

each entity represents a deep-set human fear. they were created to either teach us lessons or keep us in line.

sometimes they have devoted followers. sometimes they have disciples or avatars. you can lose yourself to them if you aren’t careful. jane was probably an avatar, that girl with the heat powers on hilltop road was an avatar, that guy with the lightning powers was an avatar, etc.

the books can teach you how to connect with the entities, but you have to be actually insane to try it. (if you aren’t already, you certainly will by the time you finish the reading/ritual. if you even survive)

anyway back to actual plot.

jon learns more from gertrude’s tapes about elias and the archives. maybe even the entities. he doesn’t want to know, but as we’ve learned, he Just Can’t Not Know.

jon finally grows a brain cell and lets people (martin) take care of him. a little.

tim is just there. he hates it but he can’t leave. (someone please get him out this is so sad)

melanie and basira join up with the archive, but for different reasons. melanie because jon asks her to, basira because despite her best interest she couldn’t stay away.

at the end of the season we’ll either meet a powerful avatar person of one of the entities themselves. that will be.....interesting.

elias gets hit by a bus. won’t happen but i can dream.

what ever happened to that one man from season one who had the dreams about death? i loved his statement. is there anyone out there like him? will jon receive a message like gertrude did?

WHAT IS THE LIGHTER FOR. i completely forgot about it until i looked at my last predictions and saw it mentioned.

martin is more active in tapes (again unlikely but i can dream. i love him)

that’s about all i got! i’m going to post this and immediately start season three. wish me luck :)

#tma #the magnus archives #tma season 2 #jonathan sims #i love any cryptic laughter but please no actual spoilers!

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hforhonesty · 5 years

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Book Review #2 | Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

“Cath and Wren are identical twins and until recently they did absolutely everything together. Now they’re off to university and Wren’s decided she doesn’t want to be one half of a pair any more – she wants to dance, meet boys, go to parties and let loose. It’s not easy for Cath. She would rather bury herself in the fanfiction she writes where there’s romance far more intense than anything she’s experienced in real life.

Now Cath has to decide whether she’s ready to open her heart to new people and new experiences, and she’s realizing there’s more to learn about love than she ever thought possible…” [Official synopsis of the book]

Alternative title: “Ode to our Inner Fangirl” or “Every fangirl must-read”.

This book was pretty popular when I was still active on my fandoms but I, uhm, refused to read it.

(Because I’m disturbed)

(Ask anyone)

Seriously, though. I was only 14 at the time and I was going through that phase that didn’t let me read books outside the fantasy genre, given my not-so-little obsession toward Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, The Mortal Instruments, Hunger Games, and so on.

I bought my first copy on July 2014, during a fortnight study holiday in Dublin. I also got something like ten other books and had to purchase a carry-on because they wouldn’t fit in my luggage, but that’s another story.

Anyway, as soon as I started Fangirl, I decided to read only a few chapters for each night instead of finishing it in a glorious one-night-stand. You need to know that I have always been a fast-reader, but this time… I really didn’t want to finish it; instead, I wanted to enjoy every single line and make the book last as long as possible.

Before we start talking about Fangirl, you need to know that it is set in an alternative universe where Gemma T. Leslie is the actual author the Simon Snow Series, which is worldwide famous. Since the eighth and last book of the series is about to be published, most fans seized the day and decided to write on the Internet their own versions of the story, so that they could all have a say in the matter regarding the end.

“The whole point of fanfiction,” she said, “is that you get to play inside somebody else’s universe. Rewrite the rules. Or bend them. The story doesn’t have to end when Gemma Leslie gets tired of it. You can stay in this world, this world you love, as long as you want, as long as you keep thinking of new stories...” “Fanfiction,” Levi said.

“Yes.”

Cath Avery is undoubtedly Simon Snow’s #1 FAN. She loves the books so much that she owns something like every gadget of the series: posters, drawings, t-shirts, commemorative busts of Simon and Baz...

Just take a look at the fanart of her room made by Simini Blocker:

However, if someone asked Cath if there were something about the series that she wanted to change, the answer would be the most affirmative yes in the history of yes-s.

Because in Gemma T. Leslie’s version of Simon Snow, he and Baz Pitch are just enemies... And Snowbaz is a CRACK SHIP.

I mean, only G̶e̶m̶m̶a̶ ̶T̶.̶ ̶L̶e̶s̶l̶i̶e̶ a monster would write about their amazing chemistry and THEN DELIBERATELY CHOOSE NOT TO MAKE THEIR RELATIONSHIP ROMANTIC.

I need five minutes to calm down.

Inhala, exhala.

Okay. Fine. Fine. I’m cool. I’m fine.

So sorry you had to witness my wig snatching. Anyway...

Since R̶a̶i̶n̶b̶o̶w̶ ̶R̶o̶w̶e̶l̶l̶ Cath is also Snowbaz’s #1 FAN, she has to do something about this contempt of court, so she writes several fanfictions using the nickname Magicath and becomes beyond popular. People all around North America read her fanfictions, and she’s pretty well-known in Japan, too.

She’s currently working on her latest fanfiction, Carry on, which is her own version of the eighth book.

Wait a minute, you say. Is her fanfiction the same as Rainbow’s book?

The answer is no. Rainbow herself said that her book and Cath’s fanfiction are pretty much different, so you don’t have to worry about spoilers while you’re reading Fangirl. Moreover, here’s the link to my spoiler!free review/analysis of Carry on, which can be read by both newbies or og members of the fandom.

Anyway... As you can see, Cath loves writing – and she loves it so much that not only she’s majoring in English, but she’s also convinced her advisor to let her take Intro to Fiction-Writing, which is a class only for junior students.

Intro to Fiction-Writing is taught by professor Piper, whom I consider one of the best fictional-teachers of all time. One of my favourite scenes of the book is set during her very first lecture, when she asks her students why people write fiction.

The first time I read Fangirl, I remember putting the book down for a moment and asking myself how I would have answered if I had been one of those students. I probably would have kept the answer for myself, but the point is that, as I was getting lost on my thought, I couldn’t come up with an explanation of why I write.

It’s a tricky question for a writer, isn’t it? I bet that we could all come up with replies that couldn’t be more different from each other. We have a urge to write and we try to get along with it, but where does this urge come from? And what does it say? Does it speak a universal language?

Five years later, I think I’ve found my answer.

I’m an introvert. I’m loud and talkative when I’m with my friends, but I can’t even order a pizza on the phone — which is kind of funny, whatever.

Being an introvert also means that I have a hard time identifying myself with fictional characters. They are what I like to call the ‘Quiet Ones’, of course, but they seem to overcome their introversion, which is described as a huge problem that needs to be fixed, and gain tons of ““confidence”” (see: extroversion) toward the end of the book | series | movie | tv show, becoming totally different people.

So why do I write?

I write because I want people like me to know that they are not alone, that there’s nothing wrong with them, that there are people out there who think and feel things just like they do.

Because darling, we don’t need to be fixed.

We are just introverts.

Why do I write? Cath tried to come up with a profound answer – knowing she wouldn’t speak up, even if she did.

But she does. I mean, she does come up with an answer. More than one, actually. And while I was reading this scene, I was like, how is it even possible? How can I relate so much to a character that I’ve known for less than twenty pages?

“To explore new worlds,” someone said.

“To explore old ones,” someone else said. Professor Piper was nodding.

To be somewhere else, Cath thought.

“To set ourselves free,” a girl said.

To get free of ourselves.

“To stop hearing the voices in our head,” said the boy in front of Cath. [...]

To stop, Cath thought.

To stop from being anything or anywhere at all.

“Why do we write fiction?” Professor Piper asked.

Cath looked down at her notebook.

To disappear.

Cath can’t help isolating herself from everyone but her loved ones. Her father suffers from bipolarism, and her mother abandoned her and Wren because she wasn’t interested in motherhood.

When your family is incapable of loving you, it leaves a mark that lasts a lifetime. You’re afraid of rejection, you know that nobody will ever accept you for who you are, and you can’t stop thinking that if your own mother left you, then everyone else will eventually do the same.

So what’s the point in letting them break your heart any way?

“No,” Cath said, “seriously. Look at you. You’ve got your shit together, you’re not scared of everything. I’m scared of everything. And I’m crazy. Like maybe you think I’m a little crazy, but I only ever let people see the tip of my crazy iceberg. Underneath this veneer of slightly crazy and socially inept, I’m a complete disaster.”

Reading this quote was like watching my reflection on the mirror. I felt every single word of what she was saying, I felt her insecurities, her second-guessing, her fears. For a moment she was me... and I was her.

Fangirl made me realise that I’m not alone, that there is nothing wrong with who I am, that there are people out there who think and feel things just like I do.

So it’s pretty obvious that Cath belongs to the Quiet Ones. What makes her different, however, is that she doesn’t give anything up; instead, she accepts herself for who she is. And at the end of the story, she has gained more confidence, it’s true, but she’s still Cath Avery, which is one of the reasons why I love this book so much.

Thank you for reading my review. I hope you guys enjoyed it! :)

With love,

M.C.

Post scriptum: I can’t believe that my first review on Carry on got 102 notes! That’s insane, guys! I can’t believe it! Okay, enough with the exclamation marks. It’s just that... Wow. Even Rainbow Rowell herself liked it. I mean, RAINBOW ROWELL. For Heaven’s sake, I couldn’t be more thrilled.

So thank you, thank you very much. You’ve made my year.

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ainitsuite-agape · 6 years

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I’ve been trying to put down this thoughts since what happened to Denis Ten. I’ve deleted this post so many times that I can’t count, and it’s still a mess.

I took a little break from YOI-fanarts in these weeks. Still I have some WIPs and so many ideas, but I needed to do something different. Loosing Denis so suddenly was brutal, but the grief left me no choice than to look inside myself and acknowledge something I’ve always tried to dismiss.

The truth is that I’ve always been scared of so many things. Scared of trying, scared of other people’s judgment, scared of not being enough, scared of not pleasing everyone, scared of disappoint someone but...I know that I can’t and I don’t want to let fear rule me forever.

What kind of artist am I if I’m afraid of my own potential?

I want to improve my skills, challenge myself not only with fanarts but also with personal projects. Denis will not have the chance to work on his projects anymore. In all the absurdity of what happened to him, I want to remember the amazing artist and brilliant person that he was, that he still is for me. I don’t want to forget his dedication, his smile, his positivity, his strength. He was super hard working. He had so many project besides skating and he worked relentlessly hard to bring them to life. I feel that all I can do to cherish his memory is follow his example, trying my best, working hard and be unapologetically myself.

It will not be easy. It will not be immediate. It’s so much easier to repeat yourself that you are not good enough, that nobody cares if you create something or if you don’t. It’s easier to lock yourself into a vicious circle of bad thoughts and self pity. It’s easier to stay silent and live inside your head.

I want to share more. I want to show more of what I can do and what I love doing. Not only YOI related. I don’t know if any of you will care, but I want you to know who Agape is. I will start sharing not only YOI art but also other art from my main art account, and maybe I will post some fanarts for other fandoms in here. We will see. For now this is just me, trying to fight the urge to delete all this mess and click finally posting this ramble.

#agape tells you things

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enchanted-flowers · 7 years

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The Second Underground

You smiled and wiped away a small tear as you watched your pixel friends wander off screen into their sunset happiness, beginning a new life together. Sighing in happiness, your heart fluttered as you finished the post pacifist route for the fifth time. You remembered why you love the game so much, from the soundtrack, to the boss fights, it always left you with sense of being loved. It’s crazy, you know, but just for a moment, you felt as if these characters cared for you, as you care for them. But every blissful moment comes to end, and you inevitably turned off your screen. A dull blackness swept across the world you so badly want to be in, leaving you staring at your reflection. Alone. Tear stained. Your fond smile instantly dipped as you realized that you’re here by yourself. No one is here with you and no one ever will be. Shaking your head, you turned away from your screen and head to bed.

The following months blurred together, but no matter where you go, the game stayed with you. You cracked skeletal puns whenever you can and laughed at your own jokes, pretending Sans was there to laugh with you. You purposely stayed clear of yellow flowers, pronouncing them evil yet you care for every single one of them, imagining Flowey being happy on the surface. You baked a cinnamon butterscotch pie, mouth watering at the sweetness and your stomach growling from slaving over the oven, imagining Toriel giving you motherly baking tips and guiding you on how to perfect it. All these little interactions moved you through your day, knowing that you will always have them in your heart.

But it’s not good enough. You can make as many skeleton puns as you want, but there’s no one there to laugh with you. You can fear a yellow flower, but there’s no one there to cower in fear with you. You can bake the perfect pie, but there’s no one here for you to share it. You have your characters, but you need more. You can replay and reset as many times as you want, but it will never fill the empty hole in your heart.

As you join the fandom through Tumblr, you watch from the sidelines, consuming art, fanfiction, music, and audios. You did so silently, without interacting with everyone else, despite it looking like fun. You were scared of approaching. Who would you talk to? What do you say? Will you be a burden? You never quite got over this fear until a while later, but you did one act of bravery on your own. You admired these content creators, so you became one.

It didn’t take long for you to create your new blog. You only spent a few hours customizing your web page and creating your rules, but once you finished, now what? You had to do what you feared the most: asking for help. Going around your favorite blog, you asked them to help give you a boost and promote you. You were excited to start working.

And work you did. You poured endless hours slaving over your keyboard to publish your best content until you made your first friend on this blog at 200 followers. You were overjoyed and ecstatic, talking to them day and night and at this point, the hole in your heart closed up a bit more.

You never expected to gain popularity. Followers poured in until it got too much and you broke in the beginning of spring, where the flowers bloomed from your despair. You gave this new blog of yours everything that you wanted to have, leaving you empty and vulnerable, open to attacks from small mistakes. But, to your surprise, the friend you made lifted you up, but not only that, so did your beloved followers flood in to support you. You got fanart, praise, encouragement, and love, something that you did not have before and at that moment, your tears turned into tears of joy. You wanted to hug each and every one of them for helping you get through this, and even though it was hard, you never felt alone.

Months passed, and your motivation declined, yet you still loved what you do. You continue to push out content, taking breaks every once in awhile, and everything was at peace. You gain even more friends that you talk to on a daily basis and interact with some regular followers, often giving advice to those who needed it. Some come and go, but that loneliness you felt before rarely ever surfaced. You didn’t think that your life could get better, until it did.

You recognized them from when they asked you to promote their blog, which you gladly did and followed soon after. They posted a link to a discord where everyone who gathered could talk about Undertale and make friends. Before, you would’ve scrolled past that link, too scared to talk to anyone. But now, you were more confident, proud to be yourself, and joined. Just by doing such a small act, you gained friends that you loved and hold so dear, and they would do the same to you. You had a place where you felt like you belong, where you could relax and be yourself. Every time you received a notification or see your friends’ icons, you can’t help but smile as your heart thuds louder. Was this love? Pure love that you have for these people, that you want to cherish with all you have? Friends is no longer a term you use for each other, but something more.

And now, you’re sitting in front of your desk at 2 AM, the day of the two year anniversary of Undertale, the game that changed your life. One of your amazing artist friends nags you to sleep, and you chuckle, promising her you would once you publish this post. You sit there, with tears in your eyes, reminiscing your journey and how far you’ve gotten. Is it too arrogant to say how proud of yourself you are? Perhaps, perhaps not. Either way, you don’t care. You’re surrounded by people who love you, people who you can confide in, people who support you no matter what. All thanks to a simple videogame. You’ve never been more grateful in your entire life.

This is my contribution to the Determination Project and Undertale’s 2 year anniversary. I wanted to go with the theme of how the game shaped my life, and I didn’t realize how vulnerable writing this left me. There were tears as I wrote this haha. I guess, I’m just so grateful for every single follower, because without you, I would be nothing. Thank you so much for reading my content and brightening my day with cute comments. You guys make me so happy and I am so proud to be a part of this fandom.

#utdtproject #undertale #undertale anniversary #happy anniversary!#2 freaking years #wow

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astrallama · 7 years

Photo

**Long Post** A little picture I drew yesterday, mostly as a reminder for myself, but hopefully it serves as one for everyone else too. I’m not sure what it is about Isabelle, but she’s a character I like to think of when I need help keeping my civic stamina up. Maybe it’s because she’s a public servant, or perhaps it’s because I get the idea she would be a representative for the people, not a bought politician. This drawing came as a direct result after hearing the news that the CDC was black listed from saying the words: Vulnerable Entitlement Diversity Transgender Fetus Evidence-based Science-based I know there are other agencies that have also been banned from using these words (and others I’m sure), and it shouldn’t come as a surprise given the current administration, but I will continue to be shocked and angered by things like this, everyone should be. I directly owe my life to medical science and I have direct family members who owe their life to medical science. I’m even going to go out on a limb and say every single person reading this owes their life to medical science in one way or another. The banning of using words by the government, particularly dealing with scientific research is nothing more than a tool of oppression and racism, another wedge between the elite who think they’re invincible and the rest of the world. It is important we talk about this, it is important we use these words. Just because some dusty, old, hateful people are so scared their archaic way of life is going to be gone forever does not mean that science is going to go away, it does not mean people in the LGBTQ community are going to go away, it does not mean the poor or minorities are going to go away, but we are the ones that have to make that choice. It’s strange and something I don’t really like to talk about, but the election last year was the first time I had voted since the 2004 election. I was completely convinced that my vote did not matter (based of off the way the election went down I’m still not 100% sure that it does), I don’t completely believe in Democracy, and I’ve always had little to no faith in America as well. But what I have noticed work is the collective voice of the people. We’re all singular atoms on this whole planet, creating one powerful entity. We all have the power to move in a direction, together we are the ones that can take the baby steps towards progress and change. Every political or ruling system that came before us was accepted as the status quo, “this is just how it is.” Through change, uprising, revolution, communication, and education old systems have crumbled and new ones have been put in place. I’m not saying that new will always be better, but the amazing ability we have as humans, to evolve & change, see our mistakes and learn & grow from them. Slowly but surely the current administration is trying to break us down and silence us every way they can. They want to convince us capitalism is the one true way and then take away every penny we own. They want to deny us as much access to medical care as they can, and dismantle the largest communication tool ever built, making it controlled by and available only to the wealthy. All these are part of a larger plan to leave us broke, stuck, stagnant, and return us to the dark ages. They want to silence and fragment us so they can grow comfortable and fat while killing off what they see as their biggest threats. They want to call us lazy and entitled, while trying so hard to convince us that they are doing what’s right for us. I’m wildly self conscious and have let fear rule most of my life, ever since I was a little kid, and I cannot deny that it’s still the case more than I’d like to admit, but I growing and evolving. I started to find my voice, and ground to stand on this year, but I have a long way to go still. I have to use the hate and anger I feel by the unthinkably horrible policies and laws being rushed through by the current administration, and turn it into positive energy. Use your voice, speak up when you feel you should, complain to lawmakers, use words banned by the government, research and learn; it’s only a matter of time before the gestapo come knocking your door down to ensure you’re not, while burning books and murdering people in public. I will stand up for the poor, marginalized, and oppressed as best I can. I support the sick and those in debt, I support POC, I support LGBQT people, I support students and scientists, I support refugees, I support the elderly, I support Muslims, and I support anyone what does not fuel hated and bigotry. I even support Christians, but I however cannot support their Manifest Destiny and claiming this country is theirs, and that it is exclusively worthy of god’s blessing. The thought that someone powerful enough created the whole universe, and every last thing that existed in it, and ever will, agrees with a certain group of people on a particular chunk of land mapped out by humans, represented by nothing more than a piece of fabric strung up on a pole, then you are insulting god, and undermining how great you actually believe they are. People that use god as a reason for killing and oppressing others is absolutely sickening, we’re all brothers and sisters and I hope one day soon we can actually see that. I was told growing up we were all made in god’s image, and to say gay or trans people are wrong, and that we should shun those from other faiths is then in turn another insult to god, but I digress. I hope you all continue to find light in the darkness and do your best to hold your head up, standing strong against oppression, it’s hard but I know we have the power to make the world better for all. I don’t necessarily believe in any one system of government or rules, what I do believe in is the power of the people. I am a humanist, I am a feminist, I am a pacifist, and I am an environmentalist. I will do my very, very best to hold these truths among others in my heart, and use them as tools to guide my life and actions. It will not always be easy, it will often feel hopeless, I will stumble and fail, and I know that fear that rules my life will never go away, but all we can do is pick ourselves up and keep trying, everyday we draw breath. Growing up I read very few books, and watched even fewer movies, but I played a ton of Nintendo. Drawing fanart is usually a really nice way to let my thoughts go for a little while. But it also helps remind me of all those heros and heroines I grew up admiring and what what those characters stood for. Everytime I feel like our government can’t get any stupider or more horrible, I’ll keep thinking of Isabelle, and what she would do to make the world, happier, safer, and better for all. Sorry for the long post, I hope you all have a wonderful day.

#art #drawing #illustration #color #markers #fanart #gaming #Isabelle #animal crossing #resist #vote #science not silence #power to the people

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caswatchesoveryou · 7 years

Text

Eleven Questions

i was tagged by the awesome @jdragon122! thank you! ❤️ :’D and sorry for being late.. >_<

here are the rules

1. Post the Rules

2. Answer the questions given to you

3. Make 11 questions of your own

4. Tag 11 people

1) When did you write your first fanfic/draw your first fanart? (if you have - or both)

i started with sailor moon and dragonball fanart :’D but it’s many many years ago.. xD

2) How long have you been in fandom?

i think it’s been 4 years now? time flies.. i wish i would’ve discovered this amazing place sooner..❤️

3) Mushrooms or Cactus?

i like to eat mushrooms so i guess it’s mushrooms? °3°

4) Do you have any favorite YouTube channels?

i mainly use youtube for tutorials but there’s one channel i watch daily.. xD it’s rocketbeans.tv ^u^ these guys had a german tv show for many years about video games. they reviewed them but in a fun way with short comedy sketches. informative and fun! :D and 1 or 2 years ago they started their own “tv channel” on youtube and twitch with many shows about games, movies, series, pen&paper, lets plays and lots of nerdy stuff :D and an awkward cooking show because almost none of these gaming nerds can cook so they just scrap off the topping of a frozen pizza and cook with that and call it a meal! and one poor judge has to eat it and decide who’s the winner..i just love it.. xD it’s probably nothing for you because, german, but these guys, especially the 4 main hosts mean a lot to me because i pretty much grew up with them when they were still on tv and now they are back and they just make me really happy..❤️ ^u^ sry for babbling so much but you asked me! xD

5) Would you rather be able to write a perfect fic on the first try OR that timezones didn’t exists and you could talk to your friends anytime you wanted?

timezones of course! :D but i’m a night owl anyway so it’s not such a big problem.. xD

6) Red or Blue?

both? both is good c:

7) Are there any particular skills you have that might help you survive as a hunter?

yeah probably being quiet but i guess that wouldn’t work when i’m scared because i jump at every little noise.. >_< i have no surviving skills, i need help! >A<

8) Are you the kind of person that buys new note/sketch books even though you have a million at home?

nope because i only draw digital but i used to buy a lot of “learn to draw manga xyz” because they were always so pretty and i thought they would help me D: they are useful i guess but i didn’t use them much.. xD

9) Pick a favorite character and say why you fell in love with them

what a great question! ❤️ *u* it’s Castiel! SURPRISE! :’D i fell in love with him because he’s an angel ❤️ i always liked angels :3 then there’s his old wild hair you just wanna run your fingers through ❤️ that trench coat is so beautiful, so big you wanna hide yourself in there ❤️ that perfect stubble ❤️ perfect cheekbones ❤️ perfect nose ❤️ perfect jaw ❤️ perfect hipbones ❤️ beautiful lips with such a soft outline..do you know what i mean? they blend in with his skin so smoothly..❤️ the general shape of his lips is beautiful..❤ his deep voice so comforting and soothing..❤️ and the best of all: his breathtaking, stunning, amazing, beautiful, soul crushing/or healing xD blue eyes..❤️❤️❤️ *u* they are so blue and this kind of “sad” puppy dog eye shape is so damn beautiful too! >n< and his famous lines under his eyes which you can see in every fanart are lovely too..❤️❤️❤️ and yeah..his personality was/is amazing too! who can resist an adorable, awkward and badass angel?? i can’t.. ❤️ *u* and that Misha is literally an angel doesn’t help either.. xD

10) What time is it right now?

2 am °^° i should go to sleep soon..

11) What’s your favorite quote? (Fandom or otherwise)

feels incoming:

“Knowing you, it… it’s been the best part of my life. And the things that… the things we’ve shared together, they have changed me. You’re my family. I love you. I love all of you. Just please… please, don’t make my last moments be spent watching you die.”

My Questions:

1) What would you do if your fave spn character stands at your door?

2) If you could be in an spn episode, what kind of character would you like to be?

3) Dogs or Cats?

4) Favorite fanfic at the moment? or book if you don’t read any fanfics.

5) What do you like to do when you need a break and want to relax?

6) You can bring one spn character back from the dead. Which one is it?

7) How did you discover spn?

8) Favorite smell?

9) Which countries would you like to visit?

10) What is your story behind your url?

11) Have you ever had a dream of any spn characters you wanna share?

ok that’s it, i hope these questions are ok D: i tried to be creative.. xD

I tag: @calistiel @deanosaurzpie @dreymart @aceriee-san @peanutbutter-jelly-fish @katiegangel @rosewhipped22 @serafire@ @destielwillkillme @blueeyedcaaas @ellis-park @braezenkitty

as always you don’t have to if you don’t want to :)

#tag games #about me #finally had the time to do this :'D #jdragon122 #calistiel #deanosaurzpie #dreymart #aceriee-san #peanutbutter-jelly-fish #katiegangel #rosewhipped22 #serafire #destielwillkillme #blueeyedcaaas #ellis-park #braezenkitty

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pumpkins-s · 7 years

Text

Not As Simple As A Happy Ending

Read on AO3 Here

Read the Other Chapters On Tumblr Here

It’s just a ribbon.

Just a plain red ribbon, absolutely nothing special about it.

At least, that’s what Sans tries to tell himself as Frisk stares up at him, their expectant look slowly morphing into confusion while he sits there frozen.

In which Frisk isn’t the first human Sans meets, nor the first he befriends, nor the first he kills.

And being Sans in general is complicated.

Fandom: Undertale

Characters: Sans, Papyrus, Alphys, Undyne, Frisk, Toriel, Asgore, W.D. Gaster, Grillby, Flowey, Chara, Blue Soul Human, Light Blue Soul Human, Yellow Soul Human, miscellaneous

Warnings: Canonical character death, non-graphic violence, bucketloads of angst (y’know the drill)

Other Things Worth Noting: Non-linear Narrative (though primarily set pre-canon), canon compliant, assumes post-pacifist run following an almost-genocide run for post-canon settings, Sans-centric with other characters being viewed through his eyes

Chapter 18: Conjecture

((Author’s Note:

Heyyyyy. Long time, no update!

(I'm back.)

Apologies for the interim between updates, it's been a weird few months for me, and I really needed a break from this fic to clear my head by working on other things and to deal with some personal issues. Given that, and the fact that this chapter (and the one following it) are possibly two of the most important chapters in Act 2, and I really wanted to do it right, finishing the update took a while.

Before we begin, some extra content and fanart to present!

First up on fanart: Adorable character cards Celestialfeathers surprised me with at Emerald City Comicon this year! You can check them out here!

Next, two gorgeous sketch sets of Wind, Rose, Sans, and Integrity by katthesmall, which you can see here and here!

We also have, by lieu of me googling Not As Simple on a dare, some pieces of fanart featuring Integrity I discovered by saphira123 (If the artist is reading this, I don't have accounts on any of your preferred media to thank you directly, but just know I found them and I love them!!). You can check out their gorgeous art of Integrity here, here, and here!!

In terms of bonus content for you guys, more exciting stuff!

First, to accompany the last chapter, Wind now has her own playlist here!

Second, and possibly most excitingly, Not As Simple now has its own song!! My little sister commissioned one of my favorite independent musicians for me as a Christmas present, so I am overjoyed to present to you guys Lost Time, the official song for Not As Simple, which you can find here!! (The musician in question is amazing and I would absolutely suggest checking out the rest of her stuff!)

That's it! Now, I'm happy to present to y'all chapter 18! ))

“I’m… pretty sure that’s wrong.”

Gaster frowns, turning and squinting at the whiteboard. “…No?”

“Nah, he’s right.” Wind says from the table next to Sans where she’s perched, legs crossed and thick book open in her lap. “Top row, G. You didn’t carry the four.”

Gaster hums, tilting his head and staring up at the section in question. “….Bollocks. You’re correct. I can’t believe I missed that.”

Wind snorts loudly, turning a page in her book, and Sans rolls his eyes, going back to entering the data on his notepad into the computer in front of him.

Sans is fifteen, and some days it feels like they’re no closer to breaking into the rules of the barrier than they were when he first came to the labs.

…Ok, no, that’s wrong. It’s not a case of what he feels, though that certainly plays an inevitable factor.

No, it’s more like they logistically, honestly have little more of an idea of what the fuck they’re looking at than they did three years ago. Never mind the fact Gaster had already been working on this puzzle for at least another two decades and then some before Sans was even a factor.

It’s exhausting, and frustrating, and Sans knew the mystery of the space-time bubble that is the Underground wouldn’t be solved in a day, but sometimes it feels like he’s losing his goddamn mind.

Then again, he notes idly, as his eyes flicker to the two other people in the room, it’s not like this was a job built for the sane and healthy. To learn the truth, to even get close to it, you had to be willing to become damaged goods— And that’s just what they are, him and Wind and Gaster, the byproducts of witnessing the unfathomable and walking out the other side.

Smugly, Wind points out another error in Gaster’s math, laughing loudly at his outraged spluttering, and Sans can’t help but stare quietly, drinking in the bright sound of Wind’s laughter, her rustling wings as her shoulders shake with mirth. Across from her Gaster is loudly animated, coat twirling as he turns and chucks a marker at her, shouting indignantly.

They are so alive. Sometimes Sans has trouble understanding how he got lucky enough to be graced with this.

Wind had become something of a staple in many of his and Gaster’s research sessions ever since their little heart-to-heart during the first annual inspection he was present for, slipping into the mix of languages Gaster meshes together on accident during his ramblings and partaking in the easy, insulting banter, with a grace that alludes to her experience with it. It speaks to just how long she’s been around Gaster, Sans thinks, and of how much time she’s had to learn his patterns. Perhaps it had always been like that, before Sans had arrived. He hates to think he accidentally made Wind feel she could no longer be Gaster’s first support, that whatever had come of sharing her memories led Wind to feel she had a permission, one that she never needed in the first place, to be around them, but at least… things are alright now.

Honestly, Sans had never realized the true depth of Wind’s intelligence until she had quietly intruded upon his and Gaster’s work sessions, offering corrections and assistance. She may not be a scientist, but there’s a clear kind of innate brilliance and quickness to Wind that makes sense for someone Gaster would take an interest in.

Regardless, her presence definitely helps, and there’s a kind of openness in what she’s seen, what she’s chosen to stand for, that makes it easy to share with Wind the research into the barrier, into human souls, that they cannot with the others. She has thrown her lot in with humanity as much as himself or Gaster, and there’s an innate kind of trust that comes with that.

The only research Gaster pointedly does away from all eyes but his own and Sans’s is of that into the timelines. Even Wind is kept well away from every piece of it, and while Sans was never shared Wind’s memories of her time with Gaster as his assistant, she does not, as far as he can tell, know of this one little secret. For all that she may know of the barrier, of the deaths of the humans and of the blind loyalty of the guard, this piece of the puzzle is one Gaster has kept hidden.

It’s protection, Sans thinks. There’s a kind of closeness between the two of them, one that makes sense with the knowledge Gaster has known Wind since she was a teenager, and for every moment Gaster seems parental-feeling towards Sans and Papyrus, there is something of a matching moment there for Wind too. Gaster may not ever admit to it, defensive bastard that he is, but it’s plenty obvious he desires to care for the people around him. And for Wind, who has already seen so much of this nightmare, this is the only shielding he can offer her.

Sans doesn’t know if it’s right, to keep the truth from Wind like that, or from any of them really, but he does understand it. He has done, and continues to do, the same for Papyrus, for Grillby. He cares about them too much to ever tell them, as hypocritical as that sounds.

No, the secret of the timelines was one Sans shared only with the human, and now, he supposes, with Gaster.

Sometimes it feels like a bit of a sick trade off— Sans lost a sister and gained… What? A parent? A father?

That word brings hesitation, whenever it crosses Sans’s mind, much like when Rose’s touches to his cheek feel too maternal. He’s… scared. To risk that label, with all the consequences and costs it could bring.

A guardian, then… A guardian in Gaster, and in Rose, in a way. Someone to trust, in Wind, people to call something like family, in Gamma and Ficus, and a friend, in Alphys.

He has all this, and it is invaluable, and yet what he wants most is something he cannot have back. How selfish.

Still, while he cannot change the past, at least so far as he knows, Sans is painfully aware of the variability of the future. If they want to protect the next human who will inevitably fall down here, they must beat the clock, and crack the barrier first. It’s the only option.

…If only it wasn’t so fucking complicated.

Alphys’s familiar stutter paired with an aggressively loud voice greet Sans when he enters the main lab, leaving Sans gritting his teeth against the assault on his hearing, only adding to the headache that’s already been lingering the last few hours from watching Gaster work through walls of data without any success. Sans is well aware not every day is going to produce some sort of breakthrough, even a minor one, and most days don’t, but today has been… particularly frustrating.

And now this of all things.

A startled squeak followed by a nervous-sounding “Sans!” alerts Sans to the fact that Alphys has noticed his arrival, and, reluctantly, Sans stops in his tracks, turning to face her and her guest.

“Oh, it’s you.” Says a second, rougher voice, its occupant hovering just behind Alphys, arms thrown over her shoulders.

Sans sighs. “Hello to you too, Undyne.”

She grins, sharp and wide. “Fuckface.”

“Fishbitch.”

“Please.” Alphys says despairingly, reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose in a sign of exasperation she no doubt picked up from Rose. Undyne whines in complaint, dropping her head against Alphys’s shoulder, causing Alphys to flush pink, and Sans shrugs lazily, earning himself a glare from Alphys.

“She started it.” Sans says easily, ignoring Undyne’s outraged squawk of protest. Alphys rolls her eyes, and he snorts. “I’m just getting something from Wind’s study, anyways. Just go back to… whatever you two were doing. Or… whatever you were doing that Undyne was creepily watching you do?”

Alphys twitches in annoyance, an embarrassed blush scrawling further up her cheeks, and Undyne pops her head back up to point angrily at him. “I’m not creepy!”

“Nah, just annoying.” He answers, walking past them and shutting the door to Wind’s office firmly behind him. Leaning against it, Sans lets out a small sigh of relief, dropping his head and staring at the floor without any real purpose or recognition. Running into Undyne is always a bit jarring, her presence loud and demanding no matter how somewhat used to it he may get. Which is exactly why Alphys is supposed to give him some kind of warning before bringing her over, Sans thinks with a kind of half-hearted annoyance.

Honestly, it’s amazing things between them have even progressed enough that Sans is able to tolerate Undyne’s presence, and Undyne the same for him, even if she still seems to take a kind of vicious pleasure in insulting him (Not that he, admittedly, doesn’t do the same). He blames Wind, really. After seeing her memories he couldn’t help but look at Undyne’s position through new eyes. He still isn’t really clear on the details, but Undyne does seem to spend basically every day hovering around Asgore, and while Sans is pretty sure she isn’t living with him like Wind had been (particularly given Alphys had off-handedly complained about Undyne’s group home once or twice), Asgore does seem to be all she has.

And… Sans can’t fault her for that. Not when he knows what it feels like to be alone and desperate for anyone to place your faith in, and not after Wind. Undyne isn’t to blame for what Asgore and their world taught her— Asgore makes victims, both intentional and unintentional, out of everyone he touches, that’s just the way it is. The Underground is poisoned with his hate, and as it stands, most monsters are just too blinded by faith or too stupid, whichever or both, Sans doesn’t know, to question what has been done.

To turn, monsterkind will have to see the truth, and that’s what Sans and Gaster and everyone else in the labs are here for, after all.

Besides, it also doesn’t hurt that Undyne has calmed down some over the last couple years. Not much, but she’s at least stopped trying to fight Sans at every given opportunity, has learned not to shit-talk humans in his presence. And in turn, Sans has learned to bite his tongue when she slips up and praises the Guard and the future death of humanity.

It’s all… a work in progress, at the end of the day. But they’ve reached this, at least. A place where they can easily insult each other and shove each other around cheerfully and, most importantly, stand in the same room without trying to kill each other.

It’s almost ironic really, Sans thinks. The two of them have achieved this kind of mutual truce, and yet they stand in such opposing positions. Undyne hadn’t joined the regular guard when she turned fifteen, or even when she turned sixteen or seventeen, like Sans had thought she would, instead she stayed at Asgore’s side, training directly under him. There were whispers around the castle, Alphys told him, that Asgore would step in and immediately promote her to Captain once the current head of the guard retired.

And then there was Sans. Sans, who trained under Wind and learned under Gaster, who had a soul that lived not just for the future of monsterkind but for humankind as well. He is the product of Asgore’s greatest mistakes, his greatest betrayals to people that once loved him, and he has every intention of being the thing that takes Asgore down, one day.

In essence, Sans is the epitome of everything Undyne is not, and yet, he thinks, they’re not completely different in their positions. They just placed their faith in different people.

…Of course, Sans likes to think his own choices in what company he keeps are markedly much improved over Undyne’s. She is just a pawn in Asgore’s Underground, and Sans… he is no one’s to use. Not even Gaster’s.

Sighing, Sans straightens up, getting off his resting place against the door and taking the few steps he needs to drop heavily into Wind’s desk chair, sparing a small grin when it spins a couple loops as his weight hits it. Never let it be said Wind didn’t make excellent interior design choices. Her swivel chair was one of the best things in the labs upwards of the ridiculous shit that could be found on Gaster’s floor.

Speaking of… bending down, he trails his finger-bones down the drawers on the left side of the desk, pulling open the third one. There was an old storage drive Wind had somewhere here with some old work she’d done on studying shield magic like her own and comparing it to the barrier that she thought might help. Spotting the item in question, Sans grins and grabs it, sitting up and allowing himself a victory spin on the chair. Glancing at the door, leading back to where the others wait for him, Sans takes a deep breath and stands up.

He cannot become bogged down in introspection and frustration. He needs to do this, there is no one else but himself and those waiting for him in front of Gaster’s whiteboard who can.

He must do this.

Sometimes, Sans can’t shake the feeling of being watched.

Admittedly, he’s always been a bit like that, and his time in the loops with the human had only made him more paranoid, fearing an enemy at every turn, but this is… different.

It feels more like an observer, than an impending threat, something unobtrusive and invisible, but undeniably there. It’s an odd sensation, to feel as if there are eyes on him but find nothing, and too often he chalks it up to his worries getting the better of him.

Occasionally, at night, he dreams of a presence, one that sits across from him in the hollows of his consciousness, hidden by shadow. It’s hard to put a name to it, really. It reminds him instinctively of the human, the same kind of curling, inexplicable power in its form. But… More than anything, when he reaches out and pokes at its consciousness intruding upon places it should not be able to, it feels most like himself— Not a perfect match, but close. Like looking in a distorted mirror. In a way, that makes sense. Sans, in his glitching, sparking magic, can jump through the spaces between reality without hesitation, and this… thing, in its own way, is doing something much similar.

It doesn’t belong to the physical Underground Sans lives in, and yet it walks in and out of it, hovering on the very edge anyways.

Its visits are infrequent, and sporadic. Sometimes, it feels as if something is following him for days on end, and on other occasions he’ll go months with only the barest flicker of its presence once or twice in that whole time for only seconds.

When it happens, he is reminded of the creature that once wandered into his nightmare, years ago, abolishing the shadow-form of his sister with ease, and of the ghost Wind had joked about after she’d shown him her memories.

Most of the time, Sans thinks he’s being obsessive over something that is not there, so set on finding another enemy he must keep his guard up around that he’s gone and invented one. Or… perhaps so desperate for another ally he’s done the same thing. It’s hard to tell which.

Occasionally, though, he feels as if there is another player in the chess game he and Gaster only fleetingly understand the rules to. Something else moving pieces as himself and the others hurriedly do their best to find a way to checkmate Asgore.

He… doesn’t know what to do with that potential concept, beyond hope that whatever it is, if it actually exists, is on their side.

God, he hopes it’s on their side.

Sans hits the ground with a yelp of pain, shoulder colliding painfully against the stone floor before he rolls over it and up, tensed in a crouch and magic crackling readily at his fingertips as he braces them on the ground and glares up. Across him, Wind straightens up, sighing and stretching an arm over her head languidly. “You’re way too slow. That wasn’t even a glancing blow, I hit you dead-on.”

Sans huffs, curling his spine up and resting his forearms on his thighs, still crouching. “If you just taught me shielding magic— “

“My shielding magic is a kind unique to my species, and one that takes years to master.” At Sans’s scowl, Wind’s expression softens. “I’m not saying it’s impossible, Sans. Your magic reserves are the kind most monsters couldn’t even dream of. I’m just saying it would likely be exceedingly difficult, not to mention strenuous as hell. Shielding takes up enormous energy, it’s not the kind of thing you do frequently in fights unless it’s your specialty or you have no other choice.” She tilts her head. “Look at it this way. Have you ever seen me maintain my shield between blows?” Sans reluctantly shakes his head, and Wind beams. “Right, because it’s the kind of thing I wouldn’t risk draining my energy unless I had no other choice to keep it sustained indefinitely. Shielding magic is incredibly useful, but it’s not reliable as your only form of defense. Hence...” Wind sweeps down, lowering herself until she’s crouching at Sans’s level, leaning forward with her wings spread out behind her for balance, a picture perfect form of a lithe, graceful soldier. “We learn to dodge. Got it?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sans grumbles, and Wind grins.

“Good. Now, again.”

Wind flies forward, leaping up and at him with purpose, and Sans barely has a second to dive sideways and roll out of the way before Wind’s foot slams into the spot where his head was moments ago. Jumping to his feet, Sans ducks under Wind’s arm as it makes an arc over his skull, and manages two steps to the left before a wing curves in from the right and hits him solidly in the chest, sending him flying through the air. Sans barely has a moment to brace for inevitable impact against the wall and send a quiet thought of apology to Papyrus for dying on him so soon, before a pair of wiry arms catch him and the buffet of wings catching on air fills the sound around him. Carefully raising his head and opening his eyes, Sans stares at Wind’s concerned expression as she gently lowers them both back to earth, setting Sans down slowly once her feet hit the ground.

“That’s six times I’ve gotten you today, Sans.” Wind says patiently, in an annoyingly forgiving way that makes Sans grit his teeth in frustration. “If I was a Royal Guard, that’s six times you’d have been dead.”

“I know, I know.” Sans mutters.

“Do you?” Wind crosses her arms, frowning down at him. “In a real fight, your opponent isn’t going to give you a chance to catch your breath, and you may not have anyone to watch your back for you.”

“I know!” He snaps. “It’s not like I’ve never fought for my life before or anything!”

Wind winces, and Sans sighs, ducking his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to—“

“No, you’re right.” Wind says. “I should be the one apologizing. I was… pushing you too hard. If you don’t want to do this I— “

“No!” He yelps, head snapping up to stare wide-eyed at Wind. “I need this. I need to be ready. Don’t start babying me because of one rough day. I asked for your help and I’m going to keep asking until I’ve learned everything I can.” Taking a deep breath, he takes a step back, assuming a defensive position. “Again.”

Wind hesitates, and then lunges forward. Sans ducks under her leg as she aims a flying kick at him, diving behind her and jumping up onto the wing that sweeps out at him, using it as a platform to propel himself up and over Wind’s head. He hits the ground rolling, jumping up and breaking into a sprint as Wind takes off after him. He’ll lead her around the room, he thinks, tire her out— Survival is the name of the game with this exercise, the idea being to evade Wind’s attacks for a full five minutes. He grins at the sounds of Wind behind him, confident for once that he’s got the upper hand, and then there’s the flapping of wings and a tall figure slams into the ground in front of him.

—Guards everywhere, cornering them in the tight caves of Waterfall’s hidden crevices. He dodges right to avoid a barrage of flying arrows, the human right behind him, hand in his, he searches the perimeter desperately, looking for a way out, frantically moving until— There! On the left, a gap between the soldiers stands out, leading to the entrance of another cavern. He dives forward, dragging the human behind him, sights set on the route of escape. They’re going to make it, they’re so close, and then a guard slams into view from seemingly out of nowhere, wielding their spear as they thrust it forward and straight into Sans’s soul, shattering his conscious instantly. He hears the human scream, but everything is going black, and he can’t move—

Sans comes back to himself stretched out on the floor of the training room, head pillowed in Wind’s lap and limbs spread out haphazardly. He flinches as cool fingers prod the edges of his skull clinically, checking for injuries, probably, and slowly Wind’s worried face swims into view above him.

“…Sans? You back with me, buddy?”

He winces, sitting up carefully, Wind’s hands going to his back to steady him. “Yeah, more or less.”

“Where did you go?” Wind asks, voice knowing and soft as she runs a gentle hand down his spine, patience and understanding in her whole being.

He shrugs helplessly. “Back.”

Wind purses her lips, choosing not to press him. “I think that’s enough for today.” Sans opens his mouth to protest, and she shakes her head. “You’ve been out of it all morning, and it’s never a good sign when you start having flashbacks. Trust me, I’d know.”

“I suppose not.” Sans mutters reluctantly, and Wind sighs.

“You’ve been running yourself ragged, kiddo. You’ll burn out if you press too hard. So you’re having a bad day, that’s fine. Take a break for once, yeah? Clear your head.”

Sans snorts. “I’ve tried, believe me, but I feel like every time I leave this room I’m staring at more dead-end equations.”

“Then get out of the labs for a bit.” At Sans’s incredulous look, Wind rolls her eyes. “I know you hate being in Asgore’s potential sights, but the Underground’s a lot bigger than his immediate reach. It’s not healthy to live your life down here fulltime. There’s reasons why Rose always bullies Gaster into doing sample collections for her outside the labs, a little change of scenery is good for him, and, for that matter, for you. Take the day off— Go visit Grillby in Snowdin, go to a market in the Capital, go… Fuck around Hotland, I don’t know! My point is, do something.” Wind pauses, sighing. “Sometimes the way to solve a problem is to come back to it with fresh eyes.”

“Yeah, alright, point taken.” Sans says, ducking his head. “I’ll— I’ll try.”

Somehow, Sans suspects when Wind advised him to take some time to himself, this isn’t what she meant.

Muttering under his breath, Sans curses as he trips over another outcropping of rock, stumbling none too gracefully over the thin stream running through the ground beneath his feet. It’s embarrassing really, just how clumsy he’s gotten. What he once navigated with deadly precision and artistry now leaves him falling over his own feet— This is the first time he’s set foot in the lower pools in… God, months.

He’s been neglecting it, and his place in it, this expanse of caverns that was once his home. Was once their home, his and Papyrus’s, his and the human’s.

It was only a few years ago, when he knew the watery songs of this place down to the marrow of his bones, and the core of his soul. Frequently now it feels like a lifetime ago, sometimes it feels like it all just happened.

Very occasionally, Sans still wakes up and expects to see a cavern ceiling and feel the weight of a hand on his sternum, to find the world has reset itself and turned back time once again.

…Honestly, Sans doesn’t know now whether he would be relieved or horrified if that happened. Maybe both.

He has not accepted her death; he will never accept her death, not for how it happened or what was done to her, and in turn to him. And yet, he doesn’t know if he could ever go back to that time. This is so much bigger than one life, one soul to save, now. He’s seen and learned so much.

This is not just about Sans himself or the human he came to call friend and sister. This is about all of them. Humans, monsters, the souls lost to Asgore and the people of the labs he now calls something like family and the fates of the next to fall. There are individuals to protect, those he loves and those he has not yet met but sworn to guard with his life when he does, and there are whole nations to save, that stand to fall if he doesn’t find a way to stop this war.

Patience, he reminds himself. The barrier wasn’t built in a day, and neither will it be destroyed as such. Nor, he thinks, is it as simple as pulling a switch and shutting off the power to whatever keeps them trapped here. Destroy the barrier without learning how to control it and they will only unleash Asgore’s war between humans and monsters that much sooner. They need that power to bend it to their will, to use the barrier as their bargaining chip against the crown. Right now the cards are stacked in Asgore’s favor, and they desperately need to produce an ace.

“Will you kill him?” Sans remembers overhearing Wind ask Gaster in a hushed discussion one night, when the overhead lights were dimmed and they believed he’d fallen asleep in the plushy chair in the corner with his book.

“Not unless I have to.” Gaster had said. “His words have considerable sway among the people, sway that can be played to our advantage if we can control his message to the public, and regardless I’d rather not stoop to his level.”

“What will you do, then?”

“Get him to step down from power, obviously.” Gaster snorted. “He’s too dangerous to try and control him while he holds power. You and I both know we could never successfully make a puppet king out of him. We’ll have to cut the strings or risk getting strangled in them.”

“…Then what?” Wind had offered eventually, her words quiet. “Who will replace him? Monsters have never had democracy, we have told our needs to the royal family and they provided. Our supposed good nature kept us in peace with one another. They will balk at such a human way of government, and in the wake of the destruction of the barrier it will not be the time to try it out. They will need a leader.”

“Yes. They will.” Gaster agreed.

“So I ask again. Who’s going to lead them, Gaster? You?”

“Me? God no. Never. Never me.”

Wind had frowned, crossing her arms. “That’s not an answer and you know it.”

Sans sighs, sticking his hands in his coat pockets and staring up at the cavern ceiling above him, contemplative. He’d couldn’t help but ask Gaster, after Wind had left and the other had come to pick him up and tuck him into his bed for the night.

“Who will lead?”

“…So you were awake.” Gaster had stilled, hesitating and then picking Sans up anyways. He’d squirmed halfheartedly, wanting to protest he was not a small child and yet enjoying the soothing contact too much to protest it.

“Who will lead?” He asked again, once he was settled in Gaster’s arms, his small stature even for most young monsters easily dwarfed by Gaster’s considerable height.

“…Wind will lead.” Gaster had said finally. “She is strong, and intelligent, and has the heart to hold a whole kingdom. Her status as the last of an elite military family, and of a revered species of monster, will give her the backing she needs to reasonably take control, so long as her old records disappear.”

Sans blinked, and as if sensing the unasked question, Gaster bowed his head slightly. “I will advise her, if I can, but my reputation as the nutcase who protected a human proceeds me. Wind’s hands are cleaner, less involved in this mess.” He sighed. “It is more than possible that Asgore will not relinquish his power easily, and if things go wrong someone must take the fall. I will go down as the one who destroyed Asgore’s throne if I must, and from the dust Wind will rise as their savior.” His gaze fell to Sans’s firm glare. “If that happens, Sans, you must let it. Do not go trying to save me from my own choices.”

“The entire Royal Guard and half of Asgore’s advisors know me as the kid who fought their troops for a human.” Sans said, tinges of something close to wry amusement crawling into his words. “My hands are no cleaner than yours. If you fall, I’ll damn well plan on falling with you.”

“Sans—“

“If you want to protect me then don’t let anything happen to you.” He returned firmly, cutting Gaster off. “Do not ask me to… Do not ask me leave my family again. I won’t. I can’t.”

“…I know.” Gaster said. “I know.”

Wind isn’t aware of Gaster’s potential plans for her, Sans knows, and it leaves him with an uncomfortable taste in his mouth at the thought. She would refuse if she knew, he’s sure, which is likely also exactly the reason Gaster never chose to tell her, and in knowing this much about Wind himself too, Gaster has also bought Sans’s silence, prudence winning over his desire for transparency.

Ironic really, given all the times Sans has pressed Gaster for honesty between them.

Sometimes, Sans looks back on the memories Wind had shown him, of her first meeting with Gaster, and wonders if the other had planned this from the beginning, the very moment he met Wind and saw what she was, what she offered.

It would not surprise him if that were the case, honestly. Gaster acts continuously in the best interests of the future, but that can drive him to be manipulative, to keep his cards close to his chest, even if largely unconsciously. After all, the initial agreement between them that brought Sans to the labs was more a business arrangement than anything else, a peace treaty between temporary allies. The later developed familial affection was an unexpected consequence, or bonus, depending on how one looked at it.

Regardless, those are both matters of the past, and of the long-awaited future. He cannot change Gaster’s actions in the past even if he sought to, which he doesn’t, really, and the potential scenarios where Wind might find herself granted Asgore’s royal power, chosen or not, look to be years away. It’s a non-issue for now, at least until they find a way to break the barrier.

…Which leads him to why Wind had booted him out here to get some metaphorical fresh air in the first place.

The utter frustration at their lack of progress, the frustrating itch in his soul telling him he is missing important clues, puzzle pieces he needs to find the answer.

The presence, Sans thinks, the one that haunts him like a half-imagined daydream, or perhaps a lingering nightmare, would know, does know.

He’s not even fully confident it actually…. well, exists beyond the scope of his paranoid delusions, but if it does, if it is real, then it holds the answers he seeks. He is inexplicably, completely certain of that.

It’s crashing into a sign that smacks him firmly in the face that pulls Sans from his musings.

“Ow, fuck.” He growls, tripping blindly away from the offending obstacle and rubbing at his sore skull. After a moment of cursing and waiting for the pain to dull down, he opens his eyes, spots the sign, and groans, slumping forward.

Of course... Of fucking course.

“Why.” He deadpans, staring at it.

It seems he really is just as consistent as Gaster in some behaviors.

And apparently, when he needs the hard answers, Sans’s subconscious only knows one place to get them.

The head Tem’s sharp-fanged smile borders on gloating when he comes to her, eyes trained on him and expecting, as if she knew he would come here.

…On second thought, he decides, scratch the ‘if’. She was the head Tem, she knew about everything that got within even a fifty-foot radius of her village the second it did so. She knew he was coming here before he himself even did.

“Ah, my favorite expendable life-form.” She drawls, voice sickly-sweet. “How lovely.”

“Save it.” He sighs, flopping down into the chair across from her and fighting off a shiver at the predatory curiosity in her gaze.

The Temmies, Sans has come to realize over the last couple years, seem to… like him— As much as Temmies can like something aside from themselves, at least. At best, he figures, he’s something between an amusing distraction to them and an obedient pet they’ve grown fond of. At worst, a toy they’ve decided is worth not breaking during their play.

Honestly, none of the above descriptions stick out to him as particular definitions of valuing a person’s life, but from what he had gathered from Gaster, the first time the latter came back from meeting with the head Tem to sort out Sans’s potential debts to them, the Temmies showed a certain lenient interest in preserving his continued existence they didn’t really hold for most monsters outside their own kind. It appears those years of work for them had paid off, in their own way.

Still, even knowing he holds something like their favor, that doesn’t stop Sans from being fucking terrified of them.

…And with good reason, he thinks, as he watches the disarmingly small form of the head Temmie as she sits across from him.

“What can I do for you?” She asks, tilting her head faux-innocently, and Sans snorts. As if the Temmies do anything without a cost.

“I need information.”

The grin on the Temmie’s face grows wider. “Information is expensive.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just…” He pauses. It’s useless to ask about the barrier, of course, that he knows. If it was as simple as bartering an answer out of the Temmies, then Gaster would have done it years ago. There’s some things even they don’t know, he supposes.

No, it is something else he seeks explanation on, and yet something just as elusive.

“…This is something I’m not sure even your Temmies will know anything on.” He says, choosing his words carefully, and winces when the head Temmie twitches slightly at his words, clearly less than flattered at his implication that her knowledge of the Underground is less than complete. “Not that your sources are… lacking. I’m just not sure any record of this thing even exists.”

The Temmie raises an eyebrow. “And?”

Sans groans. “Look. If you have something to offer, I’ll do the work for it, but if I tell you about this thing and you don’t have any information, can you take our longstanding… business relationship into consideration and just be honest with me before I go and do a job for you that’s not going to give me anything.”

The Temmie sniffs haughtily. “Tems do not lie, especially about information. That is not a part of our principles. In light of the benefits you have served to the Temmie agenda in the past, I will tell you if I can, in fact, offer you anything on the subject of information you seek.”

He sighs, slumping. “Thank you.”

“So,” She quirks an eyebrow, looking borderline intrigued by the concept of something so mysterious that Sans could think even eludes her, “What is it you seek that you find so confounding?”

“It’s…” Sans pauses, trying to think of a way to accurately describe the presence. “…A creature. I’m not sure if it’s monster or human in origin, or… something else. Hell, I’m not completely sure it’s real.” The Temmie’s eyes narrow, and he shrugs helplessly. “I’ve only met it once, it invaded a nightmare and intervened.”

“And you’re sure this wasn’t just your subconscious taking pity on you?”

He winces. He had considered that for a long time, but… “No. My nightmares… Don’t ever stop like that, and it’s only happened the once. It wasn’t me, it was an outside consciousness with autonomy over my dreams. Or, at least, it had that power in that moment.” The Tem nods, and hesitantly, he continues. “I don’t know what it looks like, it was like it was cast in shadow and its face was just…” Sans waves his hands around his own pointedly. “Not there? Distorted. It had a magic signature, though that was kind of static-like too, as if it wasn’t flowing properly— Powerful, I could tell that much, at least… similar to my own, maybe? I’m not completely sure, I’d never felt anything like it.”

“…And did this creature have a name?”

“It called itself… a remnant.”

The Tem frowns, brows furrowing, and Sans watches almost hopelessly as she looks down at her desk and taps it with an idle paw, considering his words. There’s frustration scrawled across her features, and that’s enough to basically give Sans his answer. Temmies as a rule are in the business of knowing everything, and the only thing that truly frustrates them even more than a situation out of their control is something in the Underground they know nothing about, a true wild card.

“No,” She says at length, “I can’t say I have heard of it.” She jumps off her desk, causing the two Temmies standing at the entryway corners of the room to straighten up almost imperceptibly, but she simply pushes open a crudely-painted bright orange and blue door set against the back wall amongst the rabble of overly-cheerfully colored things in the room, and disappears inside, voice slightly muffled as it rings out again. “You said it had a powerful magic signature?”

“Ah…” He shifts, glancing at one of the guarding Tems, who looks as confused as he does, from what little he can gain of their expression, at least. “Yeah.”

There’s a shuffle, and then the sound of something being pulled off a shelf and of pages being thumbed through. “You live in the castle laboratories, yes? You interact with incredibly strong monsters on the daily. Would you classify it as more or less powerful than the stronger signatures you’re familiar with?”

“I… More, maybe?” Sans frowns, and shakes his head ever so slightly. “No, not more, just… Different? Monsters’ signatures all hold some similarities, even slight ones, but this was completely its own equation.”

“Estimate, then. Just on your initial impressions of raw potential.”

He shudders, doing his best to recall the fading glimpses of the remnant’s magic that single time it had interfered in his mind. “At least around Asgore’s, boss monster capability levels of magic.”

“Hm…” The head Temmie hums, pushing back into the room with a large, well-worn book balanced on her head. “Interesting.” She jumps back into her seat with surprising grace, the book barely wobbling from its position before she lifts it off her head and sets it with a none-to-gentle thump on the desk, flipping through the pages with purpose. “Did it have a soul?”

“…What?”

She peers up at him, a distinct lack of amusement scrawled across her features. “I said: did it have a soul?”

“No, I heard what you said, I just…” He runs a hand nervously over the back of his skull, fingers catching on his jacket hood and drawing it over his head on instinct. “It must have, right? Nothing can survive without a soul.”

The Temmie blinks. “Do you remember the presence of a soul?”

“I—“ He slumps. “No, I don’t, but I wasn’t exactly looking for one, anyways.” He feels a shiver up his spine at the implications of his own words. “What are you getting at?”

With a slight frown, the Temmie looks back down at the book, finally landing on a page and smoothing it out before turning the book around to face Sans. “It is not an exaggeration to say my knowledge of this Underground and its inhabitants is likely second to none. If such a powerful creature were loose in these caverns, no matter how elusive it may be, I would have heard about it.”

“…Alright.”

The Tem sighs, nodding to the book, and Sans’s gaze falls to it, eyes widening at familiar handwriting. “There is a… theory, one that was originally developed as a matter of study on the surface before the war, about the nature between consciousness and soul, and whether they can be separated. “

Sans leans forward, grabbing the edges of the book and pulling it forward. “This is… Gaster’s handwriting.”

“But of course.” The Temmie nods towards the book. “The theory was all conjecture originally, but it became a matter of interest for the first Royal Scientist, whom your Gaster studied under. It was thought that if the theory could be put into action, it might offer a way to a means of escape from the Underground.”

“The lost soul effect…” He mutters, reading the words at the top of the page and peering over the book, taking in Gaster’s messy handwriting in the odd-shaped symbols of his native language. “You said it was about separating the consciousness and the soul?”

“Yes. It is generally assumed the consciousness resides in the soul, particularly in regards to Monsters, as our physical forms have no definable neural systems as humans do.” The Temmie pauses. “This research, however, postulated, among other things, that it might be possible to disconnect the consciousness from the soul, and to exist as a separate entity, so long as the soul remained intact.”

Sans furrows his brows, glancing up at her. “Is it?”

“Do you really think that, were it proven possible, we would not have capitalized on it?” The Temmie says pointedly, and Sans winces in answer. “The theory is absolutely impossible to prove correct within any reasonable bounds of experimentation— Monsters souls are the culminations of their beings, to attempt to separate a monster from their soul would result in an overwhelmingly likely chance of death, and, even back on the surface when human souls were accessible, the conjecture was still too risky to test on them. The only way to prove it true is if a naturally occurring case was found.”

“…And you think…?”

“What you described— A creature capable of thought but without a physical form, with a magic signature but no discernable presence of a soul tied to it, what does that sound like to you?”

“But…” He frowns, fingers running over the symbols at the bottom of the page. “It says here that magic is connected to the soul, not the consciousness, and that severing the two would cut off a monster’s access to magic. This thing definitely had magic.”

The Tem tilts her head in acquiescence. “Magic is channeled from the soul, but the assumption that separating consciousness and soul would separate consciousness and magic is conjecture. It is sound, logical conjecture, yes, but only conjecture. As is this.” She purses her lips, shaking her head. “I am not positive on what it is you believe yourself to have found, but if what you say is true, then whatever it is, it is outside our constraints of how monsters and humans work. It takes incredibly powerful magic to influence the psyche, and to interfere with your sleeping conscious this creature would have to share some bond with your own soul, or at the very least your magic signature.”

Sans’s eyes flicker back down to the page, darting over scattered symbols for soul, magic, mind, body. “…It knew my name. It knew me.”

When he looks to the Temmie, she only stares back impassively, and he sighs, idly flipping the page in the book, and scanning the contents, taking in a similar set of notes and charts. “…What’s this?”

The Temmie glances at the book, and blinks. “Ah. The even more outrageously speculative sister theory to the previous one we just discussed. It suggests potential ways to keep a monster’s consciousness alive during the loss of a soul.”

That catches Sans’s attention, and he skims the page, grimacing at the overly-complex diagram filled with a multitude of numbers and symbols revolving around a central circle with only the symbols for what roughly translated to will-to-live variable set inside it. “How would you give a monster a will to survive after they’re already dying?”

“Human souls survive after death, by the means of something within their own makeup.” The head Tem offers. “This was the idea that, if said something could be isolated, and given to a dying monster, it might revive them. Or, in its more wild concepts, that an object given that isolated human element that allows the soul to persist might allow the object to develop a consciousness.”

Sans shakes his head, sitting back. “That’s more fantasy than logic. Maybe, maybe, you could revive a dying monster, if there were some miracle drug sourced from human souls, but you can’t create a living being out of nothing, that’s just like… something out of one of Gaster’s bad animes. Hell, you could sprinkle monster dust over that item and you still wouldn’t get anywhere, not without a soul, or a residual magic signature at the very least.”

The Tem hums in agreement, and he groans, bringing his hands up to rub wearily at his eyes. “I can’t believe Gaster never told me about any of this, half of our fucking research revolves around the nature of souls.”

…Admittedly, that research was focused on the timeline properties of human souls, not on consciousness and soul, but… Well. It’s not like the Temmies needed to know that little tidbit of information.

“It is possible that he did not remember.” The head Tem says, leaning forward and shutting the book. “These were inane theories his predecessor studied for a short period of time then abandoned, nothing more. I doubt he even remembers trading a spare copy of the research notes in exchange for… a favor.”

Sans grunts in something like concession, not bothering to ask why the Temmies would want the notes to such a seemingly pointless bunch of theories. To them, such things didn’t have to be practical or applicable to be desirable. They coveted knowledge, in all its forms.

“Yeah, I suppose. Not exactly the type of thing someone would try out for a laugh, even him.” Sighing wearily, he pulls his hands away and cracks an eye open. “So, how much do I owe you for even showing me that?”

“Nothing, so long as you inform me of anything further you discover on the subject you came asking me on.”

He blinks, sitting up and staring openly at the Temmie. “Wait, really?”

She scowls. “Do not take this as some foolish form of kind-heartedness. I dislike not knowing about anything in this Underground, particularly things that may have more power than they seem. This creature you speak of… It has peaked my interest, to say the least.”

“…Huh.” Sans returns at length, mentally shrugging and deciding not to question the small mercies in life. The less time he has to waste doing odd jobs for the Tems, the better. “Alright, deal.” Almost idly, he stands, sticking his hands in his pockets. “Well, I should get back, I was only supposed to be out for a quick walk.” The head Tem tilts her head, granting him permission to leave, and he turns, ignoring the ever-unsettling gazes of the guarding Temmies as he goes.

He makes it to two steps before the door when the Temmie’s voice calls out again. “Sans.” He startles slightly, because the Tems almost never use his name, and goddamn is that creepy to hear, and looks over his shoulder, meeting the glimmering stare of the head Tem.

“Your Gaster has never tried to give an inanimate item consciousness or tried to revive a dying monster, true, but that does not make him any less of a stubborn fool, or as forgetful as you or I might give him credit for.”

He swallows nervously. “…What do you mean?”

The Temmie grins, sharp and wide, and once again Sans is reminded of the cold, calculating being she really is. “The dog. Toby. It is not like the other dog monsters of the Underground, you know this— But that is because it is not a monster at all.” Her fangs glint. “It came here many, many years ago, with the human Gaster called his own, and the dogs of the surface, mere pets, do not have such long lifespans as their masters. That dog should, by all reason and logic, be dead, and yet it is not. Do you understand?”

It takes a moment, and then the bottom of Sans’s stomach plummets, a horrible, lurching feeling taking over as the implication of her words, of the words on that book still clutched between her paws, fall into place.

“…No idea what you’re talking about.” He forces out, turning and yanking the door open. “I… I have to go.”

He runs, seeking the quiet of Waterfall, away from this place of cursed ideas and suggestions and of obnoxious facades, away from theories on time-worn paper that bring fear and nervous realizations and paranoia crawling into his throat.

Above all, he pretends not to hear the laughter of the Tems as it chases his heels.

#hI THIS FIC ISN'T DEAD YET #Undertale #Undertale fanfiction #undertale fanfic #Sans #my writing #Not as Simple as a Happy Ending (Undertale)

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obsidianarchives · 6 years

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Black Woman Creator: Monique Steele

Originally from the island nation of Jamaica, Monique Steele is an illustrator, designer, and card carrying member of the Beyhive. Graduating with a BFA in illustration from Ringling College of Art and Design in Sarasota, Florida, she left for NYC to pursue designing full time. In her off hours, however she spends her time making art that represents all the things she’s a fan of from Harry Potter to historical fashion to killer queens throughout history and yes, Beyoncé. When she’s not drawing, you can find her incessantly spouting the virtues of non-prestige television, debating the best superpower to have (it’s teleportation by the way) or yet again shouting into the void about the one time she met Sebastian Stan on the streets of New York City (a fact she has yet to get over).

Black Girls Create: What do you create?

I create illustrations, mostly of women in historical costumes and occasionally fanart of things i enjoy, mostly fan-art of Beyoncé (so much Beyoncé). On the rare occasion I do a full illustration, I try to create a scene that tells a story. I want people who see my work to be able to come up with several ways the scene before them could play out.

BGC: Why do you create?

I create because I don’t think I know how to exist without making things. I draw to show appreciation for the things I enjoy and the things I wish I saw in day to day life. For me, it is a natural extension of who I am and how I relate to the world around me. Art and illustration are just subsections of storytelling and, growing up, I was a lover of stories. Drawing gave me a way to insert my own thoughts and feelings into worlds and landscapes and tales that didn’t exist outside of books and television. It allowed me to tell stories.

Creating also became a safe haven for navigating two very different cultures when I first immigrated to the United States. Having the ability to come up with my own space and rules through illustration was a source of quiet amidst the confusion. At the time, creating meant not having to choose a cultural identity where I could be wholly myself and express who I was, how I thought and what I enjoyed independent of which part of the cultural spectrum that placed me. While that particular battle no longer continues when I make art, I still find that its through the act of creating that I feel completely myself. When I create I’m not beholden to anyone else’s parameters but my own. In essence I create because it allows me to be the master of my own narrative.

BGC: Who is your audience?

Truthfully, that’s a question I’m not exactly sure how to answer. I think as an artist I’m just finding my voice and maybe because of that I haven’t really figured out who I’m making art for. I would like to believe that I make art for the people of color who just want to see themselves in ways that they’ve never even thought plausible. I want to make art for the people who’ve never been the star of the show and make art that centers them as the main characters. Mostly I think I make art for people who want to see flights of fancy, and bright colors and magic, but in ways that involve them and doesn’t relegate them to the side lines. I think my audience would be the people who, similarly to me, are just finding their voices and making spaces for themselves in the world.

BGC: Who or what inspired you to do what you do? Who or what continues to inspire you?

At one point in time the thing that inspired me the most was probably all the stories I grew up reading and the movies I watched growing up. I drew a lot of things that were based on trying to recapture the thrill of adventure that I would get from these stories and narratives. As I got a little bit more mature and settled in my work I still look to pop culture as a basis for what themes I want in a piece of work, but now I shift the lens a bit to refocus on my place and the place of people like me in pop culture. Realizing I’ve never seen many people like me in the stories I love to read about or watch helped drive me to make a lot of my later pieces.

I’m also very interested in history and research and highlighting time periods in which people of color existed but are often erased in the pop culture retelling of that time. It’s very often that a period piece will emerge and frame places like London as mono-ethnic societies. The references for Victorian and Elizabethan people of color that existed gets washed away from history and my desire to see those other versions of history does impact a lot of the stuff I try to make now.

Another big inspiration for me is definitely seeing the creativity from my contemporaries and other artists and creatives. I make quite a bit of fanart in my spare time, mostly when I see or hear something that strikes me in the moment. I might see a celebrity wearing an amazing outfit and that inspires me to try to recreate the look in a drawing or watch a musical performance that is so mind-blowing I’m immediately inspired to make something that captures some of that feeling. In a way, I feel as though I’m a creativity sponge. Seeing and experiencing spectacular moments of creativity inspire me more than anything else. Seeing something beautiful makes me want to create something beautiful as well.

BGC: Why is it important as a Black person to create?

It’s important because in many ways being a Black creative opens the door to so many others to feel like they can as well. I remember going to art school and not seeing people who looked like me, which in turn made me feel as though I didn’t belong in that space, a feeling that shakes your confidence in numerous imperceptible ways. Being able to feel as if you are a part of something and a valuable contributor to that community is such an undervalued experience. Feeling seen and valued starts with being able to identify that the people who came before you were also members of the creative community who did work that is appreciated amongst the work of their peers. Not seeing people you identify with in a space is a bar to entry that perpetuates until it becomes seen as truth. With every Black creative out there we nudge the door a little bit wider, bit by bit, until it’s an open doorway for anyone interested to be a part of the industry without feeling intimidated by their own otherness. Without us there to tell our own stories, we have to rely on others to tell those tales for us. Which leads to claims like “Black people don’t have their own stories unless they involve pain and tragedy,” a common refrain often quoted on the internet. Without Black creatives there to tell our stories in an honest, truthful, and non-judgmental way that belief spreads until it's considered to be fact.

BGC: How do you balance creating with the rest of your life?

The creation vs. everyday life balance is such a tricky thing, because, professionally I work full time as a Graphic Designer. In a way I never really stop creating. When your hobby becomes your job, you’re always working, which is why I think it’s important to put the creating parts away for bit and take a break, mostly so I don’t “burn out” or go insane. I try, after I finish a piece, to set aside time and not dive right into the next thing. I also give myself a time table when I work because I do often come home on weekdays from my job designing one thing, to work on a completely different personal artistic endeavor. For instance when I come home in the evenings I won’t start working on my own projects until maybe 8:00 pm and when it hits midnight I try to wrap things up. When it’s a personal project, I know I have more time because the only one setting my deadlines is myself. Freelance gigs are a little trickier because, naturally, the assignment comes with its own deadlines. Regardless of whether it’s freelance or personal in nature, I do try to schedule myself and parse out time so I work in a way that doesn’t completely leave me running ragged. I also try to give myself moments to partake in other hobbies. Sometimes it’s as simple as taking a break to go see a movie or play a video game or hanging with friends, but I find those moments just as valuable as the actual act of creating. It’s in those moments that I refuel for the next thing or find something that sparks a new interest that sets me down the path to begin creating anew.

BGC: Any advice for young creators/ones just starting?

The greatest advice I can give is to create the things that you love. It's the love for creating things that keeps you driven to continue and the more you create the better you’ll be. Also, don’t be scared of putting out things that are less than perfect. A lot of times, especially when you’re just starting out, the worry of having to be absolute perfection to compete with other people in your field keeps a lot of us from making the things that truly embody our craft and our voices. Often times in trying to seek out perfection we begin to imitate work that we already deem to be impeccable and lose the essence of who we are as artists. In an attempt to display faultless work, we hold ourselves back from enjoying what we’ve made as well, which, I feel, is one of the greatest parts about making something. The process of creating is often times so messy and slapdash and it's through the throwing of all that craziness together that you find the thing that works for you. Take a risk on the imperfect and just be bold and proud of the things you make.

BGC: What are you current/future projects?

Currently I’m working on more full illustrations centered around the theme of Black people in fantasy. It’s an idea born from the fact that I hear people say quite often that people of color in high fantasy “isn’t historically accurate.” I’ve had the idea to do something centered around that theme for a while now but I think I’ve finally found a good way to best represent how I envisioned the pieces to work, and how they would fit together. Other than that I have a million and one things I want to draw fanart for but you can bet if Beyoncé has another random performance between now and when I start my pieces, I’ll be drawing fanart of that first and foremost!

#monique steele #Black Woman #Black Woman Creator #beyoncé #Visual Arts #Art

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