#I FEEL LIKE I ALREADY PUT SO MUCH TEXT AND YET I'M NOT DONE... | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lucabyte · 10 months ago

Note

i'm so curious about your character gender reads now tho 👀👀

(You enter the kitchen and see me, eating shredded cheese out of the fridge by the handful)

(I turn around to face you.)

Hi. Do you want me to sell you on amab NB Siffrin? I'm going to try and sell you on amab NB Siffrin. And maybe even a little bit of tranfem siffrin and/or loop. as a treat. just for you.

So, (I put the cheese back in the fridge.)

This read of mine comes from a number of things, a lot of them to do with the game's themes, and to do with Siffrin being a narrative foil to the other characters. And Vaugarde as a whole.

(READMORE WARNING: THIS IS LIKE 6K WORDS LONG. YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW BY NOW I DON'T MAKE POSTS WITHOUT UNCONSCIOUNABLE AMOUNTS OF EVIDENCE AND EXPLANATION. IF ANYTHING I'M BEING RESTRAINED HERE. THUMBS UP.)

(Pre-readmore note: this is in response to me having given an analysis of how I personally percieve Sifloop in relation to asexuality and shipping. Which you can look at here. (x))

It is however, not what my like, no-holds-barred no-rules just-for-me headcanon for Siffrin would be. (which is intersex 'head empty no thoughts' siffrin, for the record). This is instead my close-reading-of-the-text-and-themes interpretation of Siffrin. This is why I'm gonna be saying Read and not Headcanon, to distinguish the two. (Anything I consider a little bit too much of a stretch vis a vis interpretive hard reads I will call a headcanon. But those are for the last bit of this post.)

Unlike *gestures at mass media* All That… ISAT is already packed to the gills with queer rep, to the point where I feel no need to grasp at straws and make overextended reaches into obviously unintended subtext. Like with, y'know, most media. Since here, the subtext isn't unintended. Like this isn't a Transfem Metal Sonic or Aroace Ash Ketchum situation where I know none of the evidence is on purpose and I'm just having fun making a conspiracy theory pinboard out of it. This is like… There's intentionality there. And I want to engage with it on its level, see what the text itself suggests. It's my personal preferred method of expressing deep respect to a text. (Not that it has to be anyone else's, obviously. This is just my way of showing I love a work.)

So yeah, I am, in general, very interested in hearing hard-fought arguments when it comes to interpreting texts. I'm glad ISAT has a lot to pick at here, and so, I will. (and since not a lot of texts ever have anywhere near this kind of depth in this arena, i don't wanna squander it… i'll try and keep my own biases as in check as i can, and already have done by hashing quite a bit of this interpretation out with two people of very different gender identities to mine. To put it mildly, binary-aligned or transfem I am very squarely Not.)

(Now that the cheese bag has been removed from the equation, I drop this framing device, sit you down at the table and begin to dredge up evidence from below it.)

Okay, so. What are my like… Core reasonings here? I think I can split it into three categories. Broadly, with an amount of overlap, so bear with me…

SIFFRIN AS A FOIL AND CONTRAST TO MIRABELLE, ISABEAU AND THE CHANGE RELIGION AS A WHOLE.

SIFFRIN'S HABITS OF CLINGING TO 'KNOWN QUANTITIES', SCAPEGOATS, AND THEMES OF RACIAL IDENTITY INTERSECTING WITH GENDER IDENTITY.

SIFFRIN, LOOP, DE-PERSONING, DEHUMANISING, APATHY AND SURVIVAL.

Okay so up top I'm going to split my argument for Siffrin's gender identity Present and Future here. This means, for now, I'm arguing for AMAB NB Siffrin alone. The transfem stuff is for later (and more for loop, in my mind, too).

I have a few direct observations of the text here that set things up. Here are the things in-game that make me assume that Siffrin, as of the start of the game, has not yet undergone any radical change to their identity in their life. Not on purpose, at least. These are ordered in a messy but logical flow, so uh, try and keep up. I'll synthesise at the end. I Prommy.

SIFFRIN AS A FOIL AND CONTRAST TO MIRABELLE, ISABEAU AND THE CHANGE RELIGION AS A WHOLE.

CHANGE & THE UNIVERSE: PERCEIVED OPPOSITES

When interacting with most objects in the Changing Room in the house, they express a genuine curiosity toward body craft. It seems they are legitimately unfamiliar with it on a deeper level than having simply heard of it.

Despite this curiosity (explicitly stating they've previously wondered about it), they dismiss it as too much work early on in the game. These points combined seem to suggest to me that they have never previously sought out any kind of real change to their appearance or identity. Either for gender reasons, or other body dysmorphia reasons. (Which, despite the dismissal, they do refer to their body as a 'meat prison', which is not particularly positive) However...

This changes in Act 3. In acts 3 and 4 they flatly state: "You're thinking about crafting your body. You seem to have all the time in the world now." While still never spoken aloud, their declining mental state corrosponds with a worn-down, almost nihilistic reckoning with the feelings they masked with the 'meat prison' joke in act 2.

[Image: Interactions with the change craft textbook in acts 2 and 3/4.]

In talking to Mirabelle, they are very self assured that one can stay the same/be comfortable with their born identity. They also seem a little unsettled by the change religion's flippancy in general, which makes sense, as they have been clinging to the famliar (even when painful) to cope with other traumas. (More on this later, section 2)

The Universe Faith appears to heavily disincentivise Wanting for oneself and other expressions of Free Will due to safeguarding against Wish craft. This seems to have impacted Siffrin's mental state majorly, even if they do not recognise it. The followers of the faith are (if Siffrin is to be believed) incentivised to 'go with the flow' and take paths of least resistance, and those that DO make big decisions will tend to justify things as being The Universe's Will. (See: The King's entire Modus Operandi, and the way Loop (and Siffrin) do the same rote actions, constructing worldviews (the play analogy, the Universe's Will) and justify that as what the Universe Would Want (despite a total lack of evidence to prove as such)) As such, it seems as if a follower of this faith as neurotic as Siffrin would be unlikely to act upon any Wants to Change Themselves without a lot of turmoil and backwards-justification. (Of note, Loop's forcible change coinciding with a dropping of pronoun. But that is again for later, section 3) As of the start of the game, they do not appear to have broached this kind of turmoil directly.

[Image: Act 5 interaction with the star journal, emphasis on it being a cautionary tale against reckless usage of wish craft, instilled so deeply to be a children's bedtime story]

Siffrin, in act 5, grows frustrated with both The Universe and The Change God, feeling abandoned by the former. They struggle with simultaneously anthropomorphising the Universe as a cruel onlooker, while also seemingly acknowledging them as a cold, almost scientific fact of nature. This would heavily imply that the 'blame' put upon the Universe by Siffrin in these moments is known to them, at least a little, to be potentially meaningless. It seems that somewhere in Siffrin's belief system is something, be it the core or merely a creeping worry, that the Universe is not a thinking, feeling, thing. And thus that their invocations of "The Universe's Will" are merely rationalisations of random chance and consequence. This is in DIRECT contrast to the Change God, proven to be an emotive sapient entity, who merely refuses to offer a helping hand. (Similar sentiments are, too, spoken by the Change God itself.)

[Images: Interacting with the window in the observatory in act 5, text from the change god meeting]

So. These are the bulk of my observations when it comes to how Siffrin is positioned in contrast to the Change Belief. It would seem to be that Siffrin, inkeeping with their role as an outsider, is a complete fish out of water in Vaugarde's change-centric world. This makes sense! It makes them a compelling foil to the Vaugardians in our cast, and allows the Vaugardians to challenge Siffrin's worldviews merely by existing. It also, more importantly, makes Siffrin an interesting lens through which to inspect our two most Change-driven characters. Mirabelle and Isabeau.

MIRABELLE.

Mirabelle and Siffrin's differing faiths are put on display the most frequently. Interactions like the circle key and the party's disbelief of Siffrin's facts about the stars make this clear. These interactions other Siffrin from the group further, and are another avenue through which Siffrin can ignore their own needs, not communicating with the party and allowing them to dismiss things he deems important.

Obviously, the friendquest is primarily about Mirabelle's struggle with her aromanticism and asexuality. But there's an implicit undercurrent of gender there too. Mirabelle has never made a big change, not like Isabeau. She has never 'changed completely', by her words. And Siffrin distinctly finds this an odd thing to be worried by. Whatever culture he carries has no pressure to explore these avenues, it seems. Siffrin is able to help her by sharing their honest opinions, that he's never felt the need to change these things, and he's happy (allegedly). Why should she?

[Image: Mirabelle's friendquest text] Siffrin is not thinking particularly hard when he first does the friendquests, they are just being themselves. By positioning Siffrin as this unchanged yet confident object, they are in the perfect position to help Mirabelle by being in her almost exact position, both sexuality and transgender status (albeit, with the caveats of potential alloromanticism, and a they pronoun), that they become her ideal foil. (And in fact, the subtle differences between their positions in canon add to this, showing a display of Perceived Genuine Truth, rather than simple in-group camaraderie)

Whereas…

ISABEAU.

When Mal du pays speaks as Isabeau, it says the following;

"I don't want to know someone who won't even try to change, who luxuriates in things staying the exact same like you do."

I don't want to know someone - Shame of being known, that's Isabeau's insecurity. Reflected back at Siffrin, who has become the worst thing imaginable to each of their friends, in Siffrin's own mind. He absorbs their insecurities like a sponge and incorporates them into himself. Empathy turned ill.

Who luxuriates in things staying the exact same - Now THAT'S interesting. This is not Isabeau's insecurity, it's Siffrin's own. But also, it appears as if, Siffrin, whom to Mirabelle was unflappable in that not changing was alright, has internalised some of her worry. That it is MDP's Isabeau saying this, though, shows this is about Personal Change, perhaps even Specifically Gender and Self Image, rather than Mirabelle's spiritual side.

Isabeau and his distinct change in personality and gender, to become someone who he actually likes… Diametric to Siffrin, who has been stagnant for a long time, presumably as far as they can remember. It would seem to imply they have no recourse against this argument. Siffin becomes, in his mind, the opposite to Isabeau, a man he deeply admires the bravery of when told the story of his Change. These are Siffrin's words against themselves, that they consider themselves to have never even 'tried' whatever it is they think Change to be.

So. These are my main points vis a vis: Siffrin as a foil. This reading would posit that Siffrin's He/They status is, well, almost accidental? Which I would imagine befitting of them. They are, at the start of the game, still the mysterious rogue who never elaborates upon anything. They aren't going to be correcting a they/them from a teammate who is likely far more cautious about assumptions.

Notably, Mirabelle excludes Siffrin from the label "man" in the bathroom monologues… But as does Siffrin when in the prologue poem room. Though one needs remember, Siffrin only expresses these thoughts internally.

[Image: Bathroom conversation featuring Isabeau identified as the party's singular man]

[Image: Prologue!Siffrin expressing that they are not a man in very certain terms.]

While I do wonder what Mirabelle's knowledge (or lack thereof, potentially! Did Siffrin actually divulge this to her, once? Or is she making assumptions again?) is here, this is pretty clear evidence that Siffrin doesn't see themselves As A Man. (that, and Adrienne's word of god "fella" comments). I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this… but.

The thesis here is, that Siffrin may want to explore their gender further; doesn't feel connected to Masculinity, and yet, keeps that He pronoun around? Well, the Universe does not, in Siffrin's mind, really allow for personal wants and desires. If their friends start they/themming them, then cool. They like it, but never requested it, so it's the Universe's will. But, asking? Making decisions and requests and rocking the boat? That seems to scare Siffrin a lot. It seems to scare them so much it causes a lot of, if not all of, the conflict in the game. I feel like it's a fair deduction that this aversion to humour their own desires pervades a lot of their existence.

Plus, I think there's meat there. By only allowing Siffrin to reckon with any potential desires to change only after growing closer with the family, you get to explore things like "How does Mirabelle feel that even the person who said she didn't have to change is changing." and the slightly less potentially harrowing (OR MORE, IF YOU WANT IT TO BE? IDK. I'M NOT YOUR BOSS.) "Isa's continued changing allows Siffrin a space to explore it, maybe even just by proxy, or maybe by joining them."

But mostly, this section is about how Siffrin not having Changed Yet makes them delightfully strong narratively; allowing them to relate to Mirabelle, and get cold feet when comparing themselves to Isabeau. I love this as a narrative strengthener. It's very rare in media that we get to explore a nonbinary character's thoughts and insecurities on whether or not they're "doing enough" to be nonbinary. Even less so Aligned nonbinary people. And reading that alignment and insecurity through the lens of a nonbinary person not fully disconnected from their assigned gender at birth? It's a very compelling exploration of a very common and raw and yet underdiscussed feeling, much like the rest of ISAT. I think this is an extremely potent element should it be read this way, and is only strengthened when taking Siffrin's other themes into account.

Speaking of which.

2. SIFFRIN'S HABITS OF CLINGING TO 'KNOWN QUANTITIES', SCAPEGOATS, AND THEMES OF RACIAL IDENTITY INTERSECTING WITH GENDER IDENTITY.

HOLDING ON TO WHAT YOU KNOW. (OR KNOW THAT YOU DO NOT.)

I explained above many of my thoughts on the Universe Faith, and trying to keep these two sections separate was difficult, but needed to be done for the sake of clarity. But this section and the above are deeply intertwined.

Siffrin… Holds on to the things they know. They do not know much. But man do they fucking hold. And yet, paradoxically, they are also avoidant about it.

It is made clear in the text, to the point where I really don't feel the need to rehash it here, that Siffrin's disconnection from their homeland is incredibly painful, but that they consider that culture utterly and irreplaceably important to them. They cannot face it, it is too painful. They cannot let it go, it is too important.

Knowing what we know of the Island's irl inspirations (though, word of god, the exact location is not supposed to matter, one can infer it from the text (and I did! within reasonable proximity!)), Siffrin is of an indigenous peoples of some description, more than likely. And at the very least, Siffrin carries with them inherent biases and ignorances that show that Vaugarde's conceptions of things don't quite mesh with their own. Bowing to the Vaugardian way of things could very easily be seen as assimilation, in this way.*

And identity? Gender? Presentation? Role? All of that has a cultural element. There's no telling what specifics Siffrin has lost in that arena, and that's the problem. Neither do they. How paralysing, the feeling, to know that should you change yourself you risk unknowingly erasing another piece of home? I wouldn't blame them for locking it off. Keeping their old clothes, keeping what little they can remember of themselves… It doesn't seem to me a conducive or safe mental space to get experimental.

And the Universe makes for a perfect scapegoat. As referenced in the section above, a lot can be justified should you call it "The Universe's Will", because who's there to call you on it? Hardly anyone. Your divine right to Freeze A Place In Time; Your Deserved Punishment for Wanting to be Loved: All of it the Universe-- If you want it to be. And thusly, if the Universe wanted you to be a certain way, wouldn't you already be? Wouldn't it make you so? (Wouldn't it take away your body, that which makes you human? If that is what it thought of you?) So best to put it out of your mind. Wouldn't want to accidentally wish anything.

But as the game itself puts it, personified by The King, you cannot stay mired like this forever. As Loop themselves puts it, they can "get so fixated, sometimes." At some point they need to allow themselves to grow in whatever direction they need, because in the end, they need to live their life. They don't need to abandon their country, their culture, but they can't let it restrain them either.

(* MASSIVE CAVEAT: im white as fuck boyyy. i cant say shit. im like technically Of The Land im like 90% pictish or something ridiculous like that so my particular line has never moved anywhere but. this is notttt something i have input or insight on. this is all gleaned from reading and listening to indiginous perspectives from wherever they may be. i am simply trying to infer from what the game gives us without inserting my own feelings on the matter.)

3. SIFFRIN, LOOP, DE-PERSONING, DEHUMANISING, APATHY AND SURVIVAL.

Alright, here's some less heady and purely-thematic points to round things out. And where we'll also address the fucked up star being in the room; Loop.

My last couple of reading points are the most potentially-transfem to me. Or at least the ones that really hammer home, to me, a seeming lack of want to be masculine-aligned.

ANOTHER NOTE ON THE 'NOT A GUY' THING.

Obviously, there is the aforementioned "Not a man/not that you're a boy" thing. This is rather straightforward, but also still pretty ambiguous. You can be masc-aligned and still Not A Guy. But it does seem to be of note that being a guy very much does not seem to be a goal of Siffrin's. I would posit this in direct contrast to… Isabeau.

But not Isabeau's masculinity. I would instead hold it up against Isa's femininity.

ISAT, as a text, has its characters have genuinely different levels of security in their gender identity, and Isabeau, despite still having insecurities, seems super chill on the gender angle specifically! Their internal strife comes not from their 'not feeling like a man enough' or 'hating being a woman', but instead from their self perception as a friendless nerd! Something that seems to be only tangentially related to Isa's gender, really?

The big dumb bruiser thing is certainly aided by being a dude, but Isa still seems completely comfortable referring to themselves with feminine language, calling himself a "mother hen" (prologue) and having "the heart of a fair maiden" (cookie snack time). (However, they also take being excluded from Mira's girly book club as a surprised compliment, implying they weren't expected to be excluded, and find it affirming.) And even further so, Isa states they want to continue changing further and exploring their identity more, being rather blatant that they might lean back into femininity (and more importantly, let themselves be outwardly smart again), since they're starting to feel hurt by everyone assuming they ARE genuinely stupid.

[Image: Prologue Isa calling himself a mother hen]

And man, this is such a breath of fresh air vis a vis representation. I don't think I really need to explain that. A character who's gender identity is driven by chasing euphoria, even if it started out by trying to drive out misery. Isabeau's character is so damn good. But this essay isn't about him, so get back in the crate, boy.

... So here we have Isa, who is genuinely comfortable reclaiming things about their birth gender, and Mirabelle who loves her traditionally feminine traits to the point where she feels a little guilty that she isn't rejecting them to foster change. And then we have Siffrin… who seems to reject masculine language…? Hrm… (… And then we have The King. A Masculine Title. Someone who Siffrin increasingly sees themselves in and deeply, deeply dislikes this.)

APATHY AND SURVIVAL

It should be clear by now that I see Siffrin's core character as being driven by avoidance and survival. This seems to lead to a lot of apathy, brushing off emotions that are too intense or events and occurences that are too painful. (See: just absolutely everything with Bonnie)

It's all Siffrin really seems to be able to do to Survive. They've travelled, seemingly alone, for what would be around a decade by what the game says about the island's disappearance. They've lived alone on the road as a traveller in a country that so openly welcomes strangers that THE KING and his whole motives can happen. Siffrin is avoidant and refuses to acknowledge problems or strive for help and comfort.

So. That line about the dress. Let's unpack the line(s) about the dress.

THE DRESS LINE, AND THE WAY IT CHANGES BETWEEN PROLOGUE, ACT 2, AND ACT 3.

Good god where to start with this. Full disclosure, the first draft here was way more vague in how I approached this line because I remembered it (and another line, I'll get to it.) way more tame, but going and getting the screenshots..... Siffrin. Buddy. We gotta unpack this.

In act 2, we have "You haven't worn a dress in forever!". This is a neutral, if seemingly a little joyous statement. All we really glean from this is the information that Siffrin at some point, wore 'a' dress. No real inferences there. (Maybe you could say that the singular as opposed to plural makes it more likely that they borrowed/only owned One Dress rather than owned several? But that's a massive stretch...)

Then, act 3/4 shuffles this off into a more general "You wonder if you'll ever wear different clothes again." Which is a more despairing and distant statement. Considering Siffrin seems to travel with only the items they can carry, and owns sleep clothes... It's unclear how many changes of clothing they have. The party seems to consider the cloak a pretty permanent fixture, anyhow. But this line doesn't really say much aside from 'oh god i'm losing myself to the time loop malaise'

NOW THE PROLOGUE. Prologue Sif, buddy, pal, Loop, if I'm allowed to call you that....

Thousands of loops in. We are wistful for specifically dresses. You've forgotten almost everything. You dream about someday seeing the sun again. To be anywhere but here. You want to wear a dress again.

I. Kind of do not know what to do here but point at it. Like I said, my first draft had me half-remembering the progression of this line and as such I was far more vague on what I thought it could imply. Instead this is just straight up yearning.

To, try and segue back to what I had initially written, we'll pick up here...

Siffrin expresses a want to wear other clothes, explore changing their body... But instead, they wear a ratty old form-covering cloak that keeps them warm and safe and is a last reminder of home. They are shapeless, formless, hiding their face under the brim of a wide hat. They do not voice their desire to wear a dress aloud. They once again, keep a desire to themselves, because they do not allow themselves to want publicly. Apathy is safer. Apathy and quiet means you do not risk retribution or hurt.

While I do not think the above is exclusively a transfeminine feeling, it really, really reads like one when taken part and parcel with assuming Siffrin has denied themselves prior exploration.

... And here I have to break my first draft again. I was being, once again, restrained in my reading when writing this. Because I had convinced myself I had maybe straight up imagined one of the lines I was basing my reads on, because I couldn't find it. Because it was a line that read so strikingly desolate to me that my brain had slotted it in during Act Five, meaning when I went looking for it neither me nor my friends could find it.

It's in acts 3 and 4. It's a line I already brought up.

"You're thinking about crafting your body. You seem to have all the time in the world now."

good fucking christ. sorry to break the academic tone but Jimminy Fucking Willikers, Siffrin. What's with that bit. The resignation and despair and guilty comfort we know the timeloop brings them, bleeding into the gender.

This. *taps my finger harshly on my desk* THIS, this feels transfem. this feels so wildly transfem to me. The knowledge that they've never changed before this line lends. The admission that they've been holding back because it's 'too much work'. I spent a lot of time during the game relating Siffrin not to myself but to my friends.

If I'm honest, really, truly, I'm not all too often in Siffrin's shoes. I'm the stable one, of my group. I'm the rock people ground themselves on. And I see so much hesitance, all the time. Denial of joy because what if it's taken away, again? Or futilely out of reach? It hurts more to try, and to fail, than to never try at all.

I wanted to shake Siffrin by the shoulders this whole game. Grit teeth beg them to accept help because for fuck's sake people are clearly offering it get it through your skull--

*coughs* Ah. Ahem. Right. The uh, academic tone.

Right. What I mean to say is, this read as transfem to me because of the way it relates to real-world experiences of denial. And this combo of the Dress line, and the progression of the Meat Prison line, the constant evidence of never having strived for what they want, and that insistance that you're not a man, seem to dislike being percieved as a man, but not being able to shed the outward signifiers?

Individually, yes, these points can be read in different ways. The total opposite ways, even, I'm sure! But as a gestalt it feels really, really transfem. Even if yeah, sure Vaugarde is a magical setting where being transgender is accepted, and this hesitance, specifically, around gender, might not 'make sense' in 'the lore'...

Diegesis isn't everything. Sometimes something that reflects a real-world feeling is important, even if it doesn't 'mesh' with 'the lore' of the world.

TANGENT: DIEGESIS AND READING INTO NON-REAL-WORLD-SETTINGS.

This is a Watsonian vs Doylist spectre that's been haunting this whole argument. In-universe (Watsonian), Vaugarde has seemingly no discrimination between genders, sexualities, and a lackadaisical approach to most things in the arena. Reading our own patriarchal/heterosexual/amanonormative/perisexist society unto it does not make sense, not in this context.

In the real world, however (Doylist), ISAT is a text made in our prejudiced society. A text that is distinctly flavoured by those bigotries which it is kicking back against. Because of this, it is not the whole story to simply read the text while discarding our real-world-informed inferences. Isabeau is a big example of this. While perfectly accepted in Vaugarde, he is very obviously a revolutionary character in our real-world space! He has so much to say, specifically BECAUSE things about him that are not readily accepted here, are accepted there! Same with Mira's struggles, and yes, Siffrin's too.

ISAT was written with the knowledge of how it would play against our real world in mind, we know this, clearly, from many an interview. This is most present in how it engages with asexuality and aromanticism (and immigrant identity), but make no mistake, it influences the Whole Text.

Ergo, just because I view certain writing choices here in the context of Our Real World Perspectives On Gender and not Vaugarde's In-Universe Perspectives, it does not make them an invalid read. They are simply a Doylist read.

There's been an admittedly loosey-goosey lack of delineation here between things I'm reading with either lens, because for the most part all of these points have been a vague synthesis of both that I can't quite decouple. Unprofessional, I know, but I'll admit to not having written my thoughts down like this in a good long while. Usually I just hash this out verbally over discord voice to a small number of weirdo literature and classics student friends who are willing to humour me. I'm an arts student too, but animation hardly required I actually write an essay to a literature degree's standard. Lol.

DE-PERSONING. AND LOOP. OH JESUS . LOOP .

Siffrin de-persons themselves a lot. I say de-person rather than dehumanise because, well, there's a subtle difference there. Siffrin doesn't see themselves as vermin or an animal or an object, but they do seem to see themselves as lesser, not requiring the respect they grant others. They aren't, you know, a 'real person'.

People get to have things like thoughts and wants and identities. Siffrin is, at best, Just Siffrin. They have what they have and they don't ask for more and they don't (CAN'T) feel too strongly on what they do have!

When Loop at first offers their pronouns they offer the Royal 'We'. This is at least a little bit, a joke. A nudge toward their true identity, a potential dig at themselves for becoming so understanding of The King. Mostly though, a joke on the first thing…. and a sign that they do not see themselves as a separate entity to the Siffrin stood before them.

When Siffrin rejects this, they settle for they/them. Loop drops the he/him, presumably partially to cover their tracks, but… They just showed their hand with the 'Royal We', and if you wanted to go even further with this, there's no way for us to know whether Loop is treating this pronoun as singular or not. They presumably are, but it is still a potentially plural pronoun.

Loop… Clearly does not see themselves as a person. It's, I would say, a completely reasonable assumption that the form they have taken reflects implicit feelings toward themselves as less than a person, an actor, a monster, a tool, a means to an end. They are rendered inhuman by The Universe, frivolous distractions removed. No mouth, inventory and clothes confiscated, nothing between the legs. Formed roughly in the shape of a person to allow them to do their only job: Help.

Loop's body does not make logical sense, given their continued ability to sleep, dream and their continued habit of deep breaths to self-soothe. It would seem to me, it was made in the image it was, with only the tools it needed to Help Siffrin. Why obfuscate their identity? Because giving the game away too early would likely make them lose hope. Why so deeply, thoroughly star themed? An instant signal, that even if a stranger, they are an ally. They are home.

[Image: Loop saying that they take naps and dream, and evidence of Loop habitually attempting to breathe in the twohats lose-to-loop ending]

And they… Degender themselves. No longer with any bodily signifiers of masculinity, and cruelly disallowed the ability to hide themselves beneath fabric, they are null. The spoiler Q&A (paratext, as it were) states that:

Q. Is Loop: 1. Actually comfortable with both he and they, but only gave the one pronoun to emphasize the distance? 2. Only using they/them because a large life event led to a shift in identity/ how they’d like to be perceived? or 3. time lops stole he from they they :( A. Mostly that first one. But all three of those reasons have a bit of truth to them.

While the 'mostly the first one' comment does imply that Loop would not baulk at being he/him'd (similar to how Siffrin does not), the other reasons, especially the second, having 'a bit of truth' does lend credence to this reading. That Loop's self-perception has shifted, and what I posit, is that this shift is in tandem with a disconnection with humanity. Due, presumably, to the dehumanising experience of the timeloop.

Loop has no biology to speak of, and yet they remain blind in one eye. I take this as an implication that they considered this so core to themselves, to who they could remember being, that it stayed. Even if they had forgotten their own face, trapped in a part of the house with no mirrors, they knew they couldn't see. They kept this, and yet seemingly they, or The Universe, or both of them in tandem, discarded all else.

This isn't like…. Healthy behaviour. That is for certain. But it is interesting that Siffrin and Loop seem to hold on to their masculinity by a thread, and that Loop, when actually given the excuse to make a choice, chooses the Neutral Option. Siffrin might de-person themselves, but Loop, Loop is absolutely dehumanising themselves. From Loop's own mouth (or lack thereof) do they call themselves a Corpse. That's… pretty damn bad.

TANGENT 2: POTENTIAL IMPLICATIONS OF THE JAPANESE TRANSLATION.

Did somebody say 'distance'? Yeah turns out that has some more potential evidence. In the form of First Person Pronouns. See, English, with its third person only pronouns relies on others to gender you. Japanese, you get to gender yourself. And Siffrin specifically has an interesting discrepancy in the way he refers to himself.

(DISCLAIMER: I . DO NOT KNOW MUCH ABOUT JAPANESE. THIS IS SECOND-HAND KNOWLEDGE. SOURCED FROM THIS TUMBLR POST AND OTHER QUICK SKIMS OF WIKIPEDIA)

Loop and Siffrin use the same, very neutral "mostly male but could go either way" pronoun of 僕 boku. Safe, soft friendly pronoun. Used by people on the younger side of adulthood, not so impolite that you can't use it in a formal setting. Such a neutral all-rounder that female singers in japan tend to use boku in their songs to relate to the audience with quiet confidence.

And in their internal monologue? Siffrin uses a completely different pronoun. In his head, for himself, he uses 自分 jibun. Now, this may be an artefact of the monologue's english second-person "You", since jibun can also be used to mean a very neutral "self". A "myself/herself/himself" type 'self'. But when used as a first person pronoun, it has a connotation of being… distant, introspective. Which is… a fascinating implication, if that was the intent.

But I don't know anything about japanese so ! If I'm off the mark, discard this!

LOOP, PART 2: MAYBE NOT A GREAT STATE TO BE IN.

While Siffrin I can comfortably argue that they can like, keep their current gender presentation, whatever you may perceive it to be, once the game is over, Loop, I cannot.

Siffrin's potential issues with their identity are ones that honestly feel like they would best be explored with gentle refinement and searching. They don't need to violently seperate themselves from what they are now, far from it, in fact. They need to learn to grow comfortable in their own skin, and with the people they love. To become open and trusting, with an open mind to where it may lead.

Loop has already lost this battle. They don't get to refine anymore, just pick up the pieces. While I don't necessarily think radical change is Good for Loop, I think they may Need It. For them, resting will probably become stagnation (see: napping all day under the tree, resigned, really, to the idea they're stuck there forever.), they need a shake-up in order to re-find their feet. Even if they end up right back where they started, they still need to do the actual painful process of soul-searching first.

Problem is, they're still rather avoidant. So it basically becomes a question of getting them into a situation where this exploration is forced upon them. At which point, that's a whole new plotline. This becomes fanfiction. Hence, why while I think Transfem-Egg Loop is a Valid Read when extrapolated from Siffrin… I must concede any actual adventures into them acting upon that as headcanon territory. I just do not know how you would get them there without making a whole new Thing, at which point it stops being Just A Read of the text haha. It doesn't help that Loop and Siffrin (grudgekeepers supreme) both have reason to spite the Change God after who was phone.

As for whether this egg-read reflects directly back on to Siffrin? Maybe! They are the same person. But I think that, especially with Vaugarde's lax views, and their actual differences (Loop's general worse mania // Siffrin's incentive to stay a reminder to themselves and Loop of their country) means they could easily go two different routes, along the road to becoming their own distinct individuals. (And in all honesty, growing into their differences is probably the more healthy option in the long run if you're keeping Loop around? But again, we are going so far into the future here this is no longer a read. And I am not here to dispense baseless headcanons without massive disclaimer, so…)

Tl;Dr:

Siffrin's Survival-Apathy and hesitance to change feels really thematic to their being 'what's left' of their homeland

They seem unsettled by the flippancy of the Change Religion at times, clinging to the familiar to cope with the trauma of displacement.

Mal du pays speaks of them that they have not 'tried' to change, showing an insecurity there, even outside of the literal stagnance of the loops.

They are self assured to Mira that one does not have to change, in a very genuinely personal impulsive statement.

They and others exclude themselves from being "A Man", but Siffrin keeps desires to explore their expression to themselves.

The Universe belief, seemingly in Siffrin's view of it, disincentivises Free Will and Wants very heavily. It is not hard to assume they extend this to all elements of their life.

They have self-admittedly never pursued tangible change, likely due to this aversion to choice. Despite this, they express interest in changing, seeming nonplussed with their body, and house at least some desire for more traditionally feminine expression.

Oh Good God. Loop Sure Does Not Treat Themselves Like A Person. Why Does That Come With A Pronoun Change? What Does That Mean?

But most of all:

It makes them such a fascinating foil and lens to Change and characters who believe in it! It makes them eerily similar to The King! It opens up such fascinating debate between characters like themselves and Mirabelle, Isabeau and Loop, on whether or not they want to change in future, or if it truly is okay to never radically change yourself! What genuinely fertile ground for dialogues. And man if I'm not heavily drawn towards dialogues.

(End of essay! Congratulations for making it the whole way! 🎉 I hope this nightmarish deep dive helps with understanding some of the ways I've been writing Siffrin and Loop too. Since while I've not ever focused on the gender side of it (and probably won't in comic form) this does pervade my view of the two, since it would be impossible for it to Not. As you can see, I do think it is pretty relevant to both their themes.)

(Now for some bonus material)

ADDENDUMS:

PERSONAL BIAS NOTE:

Not included in this analysis since this is more a Pet Theme of my own (usually kept quarantined to the realms of my OCs), but something else I see in Siffrin is a reflection of the Dude Issue(tm) of patriarchal irl society disincentivisng Dudes(tm) from ever fucking introspecting ever.

I'm curious about nonbinary/trans characters who have no idea they’re nonbinary/trans because they’ve been disincentivised from thinking/doubting their identity due to societal power structures or simply tradition. I dig around the themes of “a lot of guys are trapped in a societal prison without ever knowing and it makes them miserable but they can’t escape because they don’t even see the cage” like, a lot, in my personal work. It intrigues me. So bleh, cards on the table there. That mode of interacting with nb/trans characters is one I'm inclined to.

This kinda goes hand in hand with the watsonian vs doylist situation i took an aside to mention. But it is so far along the doylist side that I didn't want to include it, since it is a little too assumptive of the text for my comfort. I don't think the game necessarily has much commentary on this specific Societal Bind. But if it does, then hey, there's my thoughts on it.

STRAY SIDE NOTES AND HEADCANONS ABOUT OTHER CHARACTERS (AS A TREAT FOR GETTING THIS FAR):

MID-GAME OBSERVATION ABOUT BONNIE AND ODILE THAT I NEVER WENT BACK TO VERIFY:

I got the impression that Bonnie heavily favours they/them pronouns for Siffrin, and Odile he/him, as a bit of presumed character voice. I don't know that I am right, literally at all, in that observation, because it very well could've been confirmation bias.

BUT! It did give me the impression that one of the things Bonnie was idolising about Siffrin was a degree of "wow!! older person with my gender!! wow!!", which is just like, cute. I like it even if I don't have any solid evidence.

ODILE, WHAT'S HER DEAL?:

Oh she stays just as mysterious as she intends to be, huh? Even with her comments in the Changing Room alluding to knowing things about underground changing operations, you can't draw much of a conclusion about her. I appreciate verily that she's word-of-god unlabelled and also poly. That shit's great. Woman who has stopped drawing lines or caring what she's up against. Nice characterisation flavour I think.

Anyway, I do think that transfem Odile is a really, really nice take. I have no evidence in either direction for her in either direction, and her being a woman of any description makes her relationship with her absent mother something interesting to chew on, but the idea that she pursued womanhood intentionally lends an interesting texture. I've not much to say, but it's a thread to pull on. Makes you wonder what other female role models she had in her life instead. Anyway she's mysterious as fuck I can't extrapolate Jack nor Squat. Shrug! I'm also made curious by the idea of her potentially moving away from womanhood as she feels the weight of her history lifted. This goes either way, really. Diagnosis: mysterious.

HEADCANON NOTE: INTERSEX SIFFRIN

I don't have any in-text support for this so this entire thing is an unbased headcanon to me. but i DO like it because 1. fun and 2. potential for more thematic exploration

haha gotcha its fuckin themes again. its always themes with me.

But yeah. Not much to say here besides drawing a parallel (that I believe I've seen drawn elsewhere in the fandom already?) between ISAT's comments on how a society that values change would view Aroace identities, and how Mira feels about not wanting to change with the real world experiences of Intersex people having alteration and conformity forced upon them, saying the Change Belief would likely be just as bad for them as it is for aroace people.

So, adding it to Siffrin's situation further drags them into the opposition-to-change foil role. Which like I said, think has a lot to explore.

HEADCANON NOTE: A POTENTIAL METHOD FOR GETTING LOOP OUT OF THEIR GOD DAMNED COMFORT ZONE

I think utilising Loop's contrarianism is an effective and funny way to get them to explore their gender. I personally think running with them trying to hide their identity from the party is a hilarious way to do it. Having them try to position themselves in direct opposition to Siffrin to "throw the party off their trail" (not that i think they really need to?), going full feminine-revealing-clothing because it's NOT what a Siffrin would do and accidentally growing accustomed to it. Funny to me. Especially when the party eventually do find out who they are and go . "????? what was the girl stuff about ??? is that something you wanna do now ???".

[Isabeau] "Ohhhh it was a bit! Haha you really are Sif, still a jokester!" [Loop] "HAHA YEAH . JOKES. LOVE THOSE. LOVE TO MAKE JOKES!" [Isabeau] "Yep! Anyway. Tell me if you need anything!"

Bonus bonus:

[Siffrin] "Okay, so, if you're a girl. Does this reflect on like… me?" [Loop] "No doubles. Get your own gender, parasite~!"

#oh my god this is like 6k words what happened. well you can't say my claims are unsubstantiated i guess.#lucabytetalks #fuck dude i sure do !!!!#i have to assume a lot of other people picked up on exactly what i did too but i dont read other peoples meta very often so !!#i am simply shaking hands with anyone else who came to this conclusion. hi. sometimes its just fun to construct a small essay i guess #i have like no goal putting this out here other than like. For The Sport of Writing Out Media Analysis. so if it makes anything click #in peoples minds or actually sells them on this reading then that's just a bonus i suppose #in stars and time #isat analysis #isat meta #isat siffrin #isat loop #isat spoilers #2hats spoilers #lucabytewrites #welp. no idea what else to tag this. be free and into the wild my gigantic ass post.#is some of this redundant? probably! but cmon man its a tumblr essay i can't format it perfectly. sometimes points get repeated #anyway this post is lagging out my tumblr drafts now i have to post it oh god oh christ i hope nothing goes wrong #edit: i forgot i made the lucabytewrites tag a while back for purrgatorio this can go in there too

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bueckersbitch · 3 months ago

Text

i'm still waitin' at the green light. to tell you what i feel like, but i can't go.

greenlight part three - paige bueckers x reader

☆ warnings: angst, toxic!paige, toxic!reader

☆ word count : 1.8k

☆ authors note : part threeeeeeee ;) i know the wings staff isn’t like that it’s for the plot okay!!! also i don’t know how i feel about this butttt

☆ taglist : @sierrale8ne @thaatdigitaldiary @pboogerswbb @lupinqs @rosemariiaa @xxloveralways14 @lovegalor333 @vamptizm @bueckersfive @mrsarnold @janaelalfysblunt

You stood in front of your mirror. It had been two months since your last encounter with Paige. Of course, Paige being Paige, she was nothing if not persistent. It had become routine for her to send flowers to your doorstep, the notes coming with them confessing her apologies about what she had done, confronting the fact that it was her fault, how she wanted to see you one last time. But you knew yourself. It wouldn’t just be one last time if you went back. You admired yourself in the mirror, posture straight as you adjusted your outfit. The flowy pink babydoll tank top which complimented your cream colored mini skirt, heels that boosted your height. Your mind couldn’t help but drift back to Paige, how she would still be a head taller than you even if you were wearing heels. You’d be lying to yourself if you said you didn’t miss her.

For the first time in what felt like forever, you took a deep breath. The weight of carrying a broken relationship on your shoulders had now been lifted. You grabbed your purse from your bed, heading for your door, past the most recent flower arrangement Paige had sent to you, pink lilies, your favorite. Paige used to say that they reminded her of you, soft and delicate, yet strong and resilient. You closed the door behind you, mirroring how you had closed the door on your relationship, but a part of you hesitated. It had been so easy to block her that night, but the reality of actually letting go was a much harder task.

You started to walk to the elevator. The sound of your heels against the floor echoed through the halls louder than it should have, and the ride down was all a blur, floors zipping by, time escaping you more often now that you didn’t have something, someone to ground you.

Walking out into the bright Dallas sun, you embraced it. You had carefully picked your job so that you could be in Dallas with Paige. It sounded crazy, but the idea of long distance sounded crazier. You had grown to love the city. But everything about it reminded you of her, like an illness that wouldn’t leave you alone. It was hard not talking to her; you obviously thought about her more than you should. She had been a part of your life, of you for so long, and even with you being the one to break it off for good, there were still nights where you got a little too far past tipsy and found yourself wanting to go back, to just text her.

You put one foot in front of the other, the feeling of your heavy heart making your steps weigh more than before.

You poured a glass of wine for yourself, wanting to have a calm night in after you had met with your realtor. You had thought about moving for a while now, Dallas feeling like it had nothing left to give to you, the added bonus of being away from the ghost town of your past relationship: New York City. The dream since you were younger, so many opportunities and things to explore. You felt a little lost though; leaving Paige behind meant closing a chapter of your life that you never thought you’d have to. One that the hopeful, lovesick senior in college didn’t think she'd have to.

The soft knocking from your door pulls you out of your thoughts, Paige’s weekly flower arrangement, no doubt. You set the wine bottle down and shuffle your feet towards the door, expecting the arrangement set pretty on your doormat. You shove the door handle down, pulling the door in. Already looking down, you’re met with legs. You know whose they are, you trail your eyes up, and sure enough, there she stood. All six feet of her.

You sigh, the sudden weight of the relationship between you two coming back full force. “Paige, what are you doing here?” Paige reaches out for your hand, taking in yours, pulling herself closer to you. You finally manage to look at her, her braided ponytail far from perfect without you to do her hair for her. Her eyes were piercing, the obvious aftermath of her crying, her eyes always turned from an ocean blue to a glowing aqua, red circles around them enhancing the color.

“Jus’ can't shake the feeling of guilt, tell me what I gotta do to prove to you that I’ve changed.” She strokes your hand that she holds, you see her glance down at your fingers, noticing the promise ring she bought you missing. A tear falls from her eye, and yet again, you feel compelled to let her back into your life, again.

Your wine glass is left abandoned at the counter, now holding Paige on your couch as she cries into your pajama top. Neither of you had spoken a word, but you felt everything coming crashing down again, second thoughts of moving, the truth was, no matter how hard you tried to let her go, you knew you’d always find yourself back here, intertwined in each other, like the rest of the world was just background noise to the entirety that was you guys.

“You know we have to talk about this, I won’t know what you’re feeling if we just sit here-” You start, part of you felt remorse, remorse for blocking her, remorse for not responding to her attempts at trying to get you to talk to her. You were a hypocrite, pressing her to talk to you about what she was thinking when you couldn’t even do it yourself. What happens now? What happens when everyone around you, people you love, are telling you that she was to blame, that she was in the wrong, when authentically you saw a side of her that no one else did. They didn’t know the full picture of what happened, they only saw that construct that you told them, one where she was the villain in the story. Maybe she was, but maybe you were too.

“I’on know what to say anymore. I feel like I'm calling out to someone who’s a ghost.” Paige sobs. The lump in your throat grows. Your beautiful girl, a ray of sunshine who masked so much so the people around her were happy, was here hurt because of you. Genuinely, you didn’t know what you wanted from her. She had done so much, so much to tell you she was sorry, that you were her home. So why did you feel like you still needed more?

Paige pulled herself away from your chest, resting on the end of the couch, taking your legs into her lap. You swallowed the lump in your throat before it escaped, “Okay then, let's talk, let's talk about the night where it ended.” You said. Paige nodded in agreement, prompting you to start the conversation. “I just want to know what happened. You suddenly shut me out of your life. I felt like I was begging you for a basic conversation, and when I finally got one, you told me we were over, and then you came running back like you didn’t say all that shit to me.” Paige tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear, wiping the tears away from her eyes. The red ring intensified yet again from the friction. “There was so much, not just basketball, but family shit. I didn’t want to drag you into it because I didn’t need you worrying about things that were my problems.” You fidgeted with your fingernails, picking and peeling the skin around them. “Paige, you know we were doing it together. I told you consistently that I would be there for you, through everything. Why would you think it would be any different?” Paige avoided your gaze now, looking at the set of Lego roses you had built together tucked away behind a picture frame. The Lego roses once being on your coffee table, and the empty picture frame once having a photo of you two at the Minnesota State Fair. “I know, I know. I guess I jus’ felt embarrassed. I overheard the training staff talking to the coaches about how ‘my prime came and went’ and how I wasn’t fit for the whole basketball thing anymore, how my body couldn’t handle the strain.” Your tears started now, like a dam being broken. You knew the mental state Paige was in when you met her, when her injury took her out of playing, and then you watched it happen again, with her ACL that time. You knew how hard it was for her to get out of the mental block of the outside world saying she ‘would never be the same Paige Bueckers again.’ How hard she worked to come back, better, stronger.

You guys talked it out, all of it. Your feelings of abandonment when she shut you out, Paige understood. And you understood where she was coming from too, working so hard to get back, just to hear the people closest to you in the workplace saying time may be up, feelings of her junior season she missed, the hole she was in, coming back full force, yet this time, she wasn’t even injured.

“Ma?” Paige starts, she is back in your arms, this time in your bed, the night creeping up on you slowly had you guys shifting to a more comfortable space. “Yeah, P?” You say, running your hands through her soft golden hair, now out of the tight ponytail. “Do y’think we could ever be anything again?” She questions, your heart contracts, you always knew it was meant to be her, but you couldn’t run away from the fact that it was awful timing, you hadn’t told her about your move, everything was close to being finalized, you just had to say the words to your boss and you’d be off to New York.

“We can take it slow for now, see where life takes us from there.” You say, even with all the conversation about that night, there was one topic that wasn’t addressed, the girl she saw immediately after leaving you.

Paige swept you off of your feet, earning her spot in your life again. The last couple of weeks had been something out of a fairytale, the nights in which you did her hair, the fancy dinners, hanging out with Paige’s teammates on the Wings.

But when you got back from a night out with Paige, you entered her room, and saw the big gold balloons that said; “Can I be your girlfriend?” The roses scattered around the room, and the chocolates that sat on her comforter. You were hit in the face with the overwhelming realization; You had to tell her. You spun around, Paige expecting you to leap into her arms, the big grin on her face, her flushed pink cheeks, instead, she was met with your shaky voice saying,

“Paige, I'm moving to New York City next week.”

#alira’s works ⟡˖ ࣪⋆⭒˚#paige bueckers #uconn wbb #uconnwbb #uconn women’s basketball #paige bueckers angst #paige bueckers fic #paige bueckers fluff #paige bueckers x reader #paige bueckers smut #paige bueckers x oc #paige buckets #wlw #lesbian #Spotify

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silverynight · 11 months ago

Text

Eight years and counting

Contains manga spoilers

The first year comes with so much planning and preparation, Katsuki barely has time to keep up with graduation and the agency interview. He's a war hero, he knows it'll be easy for him to get in any agency he wants and even though that'd make his middle school self excited, he's not that kid anymore.

He cares more about Izuku now. No, he only cares about Izuku now.

Katsuki watches closely as the last ember dies and Izuku pretends it doesn't take his last bit of hope with it; he wants Izuku to be more open with him, to tell him how he truly feels about being quirkless again, but Katsuki knows him well enough at this point to expect something like that.

But he also knows his Izuku won't be completely happy with being a UA teacher, no matter how much he loves that school. Izuku is meant to be a hero, like Katsuki. Actually, he's meant to be a hero and fight by Katsuki's side.

And Katsuki is going to make sure that dream comes true.

So he plans; Izuku needs a new suit, one that can emulate OFA to perfection because if Katsuki is going to give anything to Izuku, he's going to make sure it's absolutely perfect.

It takes a while for him to finish the design and as soon as he does, the first step is to show it to All Might. Katsuki knows he used a mecha suit during the final battle so he probably has an idea if Katsuki's design is possible or not.

"For young Midoriya?"

All Might already knows it's for Izuku, but the question is not exactly about that and Katsuki is perfectly aware of it; he can see it in the soft smile of Izuku's mentor, he can see it in the way his blue eyes shine with knowledge.

Katsuki blushes, but he doesn't look away from the former symbol of peace. He's not that middle schooler hot-heated kid anymore. He's done hiding his feelings behind anger and he's not ashamed about what he feels for Izuku. He's pretty sure All Might knows about that, he's probably waiting for a confirmation.

Katsuki nods, blush spreading down his neck.

"It'll take years to make something like that."

"I'm aware."

"And a lot of money," All Might keeps staring into his eyes, and Katsuki suddenly feels like he's being tested, but he doesn't care. He's going to get Izuku his suit no matter what. "A lot."

"I'll work hard. I can pay for it."

All Might smiles fondly at him before putting a hand on his shoulder.

"You should talk to young Midoriya."

Katsuki shakes his head with a fierce determination. He's not going to get Izuku's hopes up only to shatter them when something doesn't work. This is just an idea and he's not sure how long it'll take.

Katsuki will rather stab himself than breaking Izuku's heart.

"I can't do that. Not until it's ready."

"I'm not talking about the suit."

His cheeks are warm again as what All Might is trying to say finally sinks in.

"I will, but not yet."

***

By the second year he's already mailing the designs to All Might's friend in the US and constantly sending texts and visiting Hatsume in her new lab. She's excited about it and happy to start working on it; she's fond of Izuku too and loves challenges so Katsuki knew she'd say yes.

It takes a little bit more to convince Shield, but she agrees after reading Katsuki's long mail, that looks dangerously close to an essay about the amazing things Midoriya Izuku could achieve with it.

Maybe Izuku is right after all; he's kind of a nerd too.

She agrees to the project and assures Katsuki he can send her low amounts of money every month until the suit it's completely done. After a few weeks, both Shield and Hatsume start working together on it.

Then he contacts his former classmates, because All Might told him they'd want to know about it.

Not only they seem really excited about the project, they offer their help and tell Katsuki they'd like to give him a bit of money for the suit too.

He agrees gladly because he knows Izuku will be happy to know everyone participated in the making of the suit. Besides, he knows it's important to let people help when they can and want to.

***

He's not going to lie, the third year is harsh for him.

Between the videocalls with Shield, the visits to Hatsume and the extra hours he has to work to make more money, Katsuki barely has time to hang out with his friends, although it's not like they have much time either.

He stills sees Izuku a few times a week though because he's physically incapable of being away from him for too long. Sometimes Katsuki wonders if he has noticed, and then he remembers he's a nerd who won't recognize unconditional love even if it hit him in the face.

They talk about Izuku's students, about the UA and Katsuki's hero work; he was a bit reluctant to say anything about his job in front of the nerd at first, but he realized that Izuku genuinely gets excited and happy about Katsuki's pro hero journey.

He notices the nerd gets a bit sad sometimes, especially when he mentions their other friends, because they all are professionals now and Katsuki knows Izuku would like to share that kind of feeling with them.

It only makes Katsuki want to work even harder.

And he does, even if he ends up half dead on his couch after a very long shift; he somehow manages to wake up early next morning with Izuku's dream in his mind.

It's enough motivation to keep him going.

However, his body does get tired and it shows sometimes in the way he acts around others; that's probably the reason why he starts snapping at annoying fans and the videos end up on Tiktok and Instagram; his hero name trends for a while, but he honestly doesn't give a fuck. He's still making money and saving people.

Although, even if he doesn't care, he knows others do.

Because of that, Aizawa starts scolding him about his public image and the way it'll affect to his current ranking.

But Katsuki doesn't care about rankings anymore; Izuku is not there to compete against for the number one spot so it's not remotely interesting to make an effort now.

He'll save that for when Izuku becomes a pro hero.

***

By the fourth year, Aizawa decides to play dirty and use Katsuki's only weakness, so he starts showing Izuku the videos of him growling at civilians.

"Kacchan!"

It's ridiculous how Izuku's sad puppy eyes and his worried expression is the only thing he needs to make Katsuki do as he pleases, but Katsuki has been acting that ridiculous since the war ended so it doesn't matter.

It's not like he's gonna stop now.

"Fine! I'll try not to punch them in the face!"

"Did you actually do that?" Izuku finally snaps his head up from the homework he's grading and looks at him with shock, concern and disbelief at the same time.

"Of course not!" He rolls his eyes. "No matter how much I want to sometimes..."

"Kacchan!"

He does behave a bit better after that and Ashido makes fun of him because of it.

Then All Might figures out he's working too much, and also uses Izuku to make Katsuki take a break.

"Are you overworking yourself, Kacchan?"

Again with the sad puppy eyes! He needs to develop a shield against them. Izuku can't keep using them like a weapon all the time.

"I'm fine!"

The nerd is even better at handling him; Izuku nods and smiles before changing the topic to one of his students (he adores them as much as they adore him) and Katsuki visibly relaxes.

Which is a huge mistake.

"When's your next day off, Kacchan?" Izuku casually asks three days later. He smiles sweetly at him and Katsuki wonders for a moment if he actually knows how much power he has over him. "I would like you to stay over at my apartment someday. We can watch a movie and order takeout!"

"You mean like a... sleepover?" he clears his throat, cheeks turning slightly pink. He crosses his arms over his chest as a shield because he doesn't want to think of any of his multiple daydreams about spending a night with Izuku. It's too dangerous.

"Yes!"

It's not fair. Izuku looks so excited he basically has stars in his eyes as he looks up at Katsuki.

The next thing he knows is that he's asking Hawks for a day off and the whole agency starts gossiping about it because he hasn't taken one of those in years.

Only when he's sitting on Izuku's couch, completely relaxed and happy, it occurs to him it was a trap to make him take a break. And even though he knows now, he keeps falling for it every single time.

Because he can't say 'No' to Izuku.

***

Izuku's gauntlets are completely ready five years after Katsuki designed them. They look exactly like the ones he used before, but they have OFA's puch power and release energy threads he can use as he did with Blackwhip.

They're perfect.

Katsuki stares at them for a moment with a stupid, fond smile on his face and he decides to do something sentimental and even more stupid because he's an idiot.

"Can you change mines?" He asks Hatsume after a while. "I want them to look like Izuku's."

"You want them to match your boyfriend's?" She says so casually that Katsuki realizes she's been thinking of Izuku and him as a couple for a long time now. "Sure! He'll probably love that too!"

Katsuki can tell her she's mistaken, but he doesn't. Instead, he thinks about how it'll look when Izuku finally wears his hero suit and stands next to him.

His grin becomes even wider.

Izuku tears up when he sees Katsuki for the first time wearing his new gauntlets; he immediately recognizes the design, even though they're a different color.

He doesn't ask why Katsuki decided to change his gauntlets, he just walks towards him and pulls him into a tight hug.

"It... it doesn't bother you?" He's so drunk in Izuku's scent and physical closeness, his voice shakes a bit. Katsuki hadn't realized how starved he was for Izuku's touch until that moment. "I mean, are you okay with them looking almost like the ones you used to wear?"

The last thing he wants is to make Izuku upset with his own need to feel close to him, even if it's something stupid like making his gauntlets match his.

Izuku shakes his head, smiling up at him.

"I think it's really sweet."

Blushing to the tip of his ears and making Izuku giggle in the process, Katsuki realizes how much he has changed over the past years.

He's a completely different person from who he was in elementary, middle and even the first year of high-school.

The old Bakugo was made of various layers of anger issues and insecurities that were falling off of him as he grew as a person, leaving only Bakugo Kacchan in their place.

He's Izuku's Kacchan now. The version of himself that was born the moment he met little Izuku and wanted to be a pro hero with him; he's always been Izuku's Kacchan.

And he's mature enough to admit and embrace that now.

***

It's the second time, in years, his parents pay him a visit; Katsuki has been avoiding that moment as much as he could, going to their house instead, but his mother probably got suspicious and decided to find out what was going on by herself.

She takes a look around and quirks up a brow at him, even though Katsuki is doing everything in his power to ignore her.

He focuses on his Dad instead, but Masaru has a terrible poker face so Katsuki can tell he's noticed his son lives exactly the way he did when he started working as a pro hero.

"You haven't redecorated the place yet, huh?" he offers kindly, prompting Katsuki to roll his eyes.

He's aware of what's coming. It doesn't matter how much his Dad tries to dismiss the subject because he knows his son doesn't want to talk about it.

But Bakugo Mitsuki doesn't like that type of approach.

"Why do you still live in this crappy ass apartment?" There it goes. His mother crosses both arms over her chest and Katsuki knows she will not leave until he gives her a good explanation. "I thought you made good money! It's been years, brat! Don't tell me you somehow got attached to this place?"

Katsuki pinches the bridge of his nose, takes a deep breath, sits both his parents on the couch and offers them tea as he start explaining everything to them.

By the time he's done he looks up only to find them staring back at him with a very proud smile on both their faces.

Masaru hugs him before his mother starts ruffling his hair in a way she hasn't done since Katsuki was in elementary.

"He's going to love it," his father assures him; a little bit of the weight Katsuki has been carrying over his shoulders vanishes because even though he knows Izuku, part of him was sightly afraid he wouldn't like it.

They spend the rest of the afternoon looking at Katsuki's first designs as he tells them in detail how each piece is going to work.

"We've been testing them for a while and they work quite well," he says with a satisfied smile.

"What about the measurements?" Mitsuki asks then. "If you want to keep this a secret from him, how do you plan to make this fit to his body type?"

"I know Izuku's measurements," he says with a confident smirk that quickly vanishes as soon as he watches his parents exchanging a look. "Not like that! I've know him my whole life! I know him better than anyone!"

There's an uncomfortable silence before Mitsuki shakes her head with an amused grin on her face.

"You know an engagement ring would have been way cheaper than this, right?"

"Shut up!"

***

The UA students know him quite well now, especially Izuku's students. Uraraka and Todoroki help Izuku too every now and then, but Katsuki is the only one who's always available when Izuku calls.

And no, not all the students are fond of him, especially because he plays the villain quite often and he easily defeats them in the blink of an eye.

"Don't be too hard on them, Kacchan!"

"How will they learn what a real battle looks like if I'm not, Izuku?"

After a while, Katsuki hears a couple of students calling him Midoriya-sensei's boyfriend and he doesn't correct any of them.

Then the rumor reaches social media and Katsuki doesn't bother to deny it during interviews either; he only says he doesn't like to talk about his private life, which only makes everyone think it's true.

He's being selfish and he knows it, but he doesn't care at all.

However, Izuku apparently does because he corrects his students when they call them a couple, and even though he's telling nothing but the truth, it hurts Katsuki a bit.

"What is it, Kacchan?" Izuku notices immediately of course, and looks back at him with concern. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," he manages to smile, reminding himself that Izuku's suit is almost done and they'll be hero partners soon.

It's all that matters.

"You're an idiot!" Ashido hits him on the back of his head as they have lunch together outside her agency; it's been years since he has actually seen her face to face, and that's the first thing she does? He shouldn't have come. "Why haven't you told him?"

Katsuki huffs, getting slightly irritated.

"We have already discussed this. If the suit is not rea–"

"Not about that!" She rolls her eyes before taking her phone and showing it to him, almost shoving it to his face. "I'm talking about this!"

It's a picture of Katsuki in his hero suit talking to Izuku; they're in the UA so one of the students must have taken it.

Katsuki doesn't need her to say anything else for him to understand what she's talking about; it's written all over his face, in the fondness of smile and the glimmer in his eyes.

He's sure out of all the pictures of pro hero Dynamight on the internet, that's the only one in which he's smiling that softly.

Because it's the only picture of him looking directly at Izuku.

"I will tell him... eventually," he mumbles in a tone that lets Ashido know he doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

Izuku needs to focus on fulfilling his dream first.

***

It's been eight years since Katsuki started this project and now that Izuku's suit is finally done, he has decided that the right person to hand it to Izuku is All Might.

"You should be there too," the man insists, giving him an encouraging smile.

Katsuki shakes his head, looking at the floor; it'd be too overwhelming for him, he's sure he'll tear up if he sees Izuku's face when he gets the suit.

He asks All Might to tell Izuku that everyone funded his suit, that they contributed the same amount to it.

The next day he's back at the agency to keep himself busy; he's about to head to his first patrol of the week when Izuku walks in, wearing his hero suit.

Katsuki chokes, blushes and almost tears up at the same time.

He looks perfect.

"Thank you, Kacchan."

The blinding smile and the happiness in his voice is what ends up undoing him, because what he realizes in that moment is that Izuku hasn't smiled so freely, so sincerely in years and Katsuki is the reason he does now.

He starts tearing up the way he did that day at the hospital, the only difference is that it's happiness what makes him so emotional this time.

Izuku takes a few steps closer and presses their foreheads together.

"Thanks for making my dreams come true."

"It wasn't just me," Katsuki manages to say, but his voice sounds choked. "Everyone-"

"I know you planned it, designed it, got everyone together to work on it and paid the most for it. All Might told me everything."

"The old man can't keep a damned secret now..."

Izuku chuckles and his laughter is music to Katsuki's ears; it's true, he doesn't care how sappy it sounds. Izuku's happy chuckle is the best kind of music to him.

Then, Izuku takes his face in his hands and makes him look down at him.

"I love you too, Kacchan."

Katsuki is sure he's dreaming; it must be getting late, he needs to wake up.

But then Izuku kisses him and the kiss is clumsy and wet, but it's perfect because it's their first and now Katsuki knows it's real.

***

He doesn't need to work extra hours now, which means he has time to help Izuku train to get used to his new suit and the quirks it comes with.

It takes him just two months to accomplish that, and another one to feel ready to apply to Hawks' agency.

"I'm ready to get a hero partner now."

"Really?" Hawks looks at him in disbelief before grinning. "Alright, I have a few suggestions..."

"I want Deku."

Hawks rolls his eyes, but doesn't look surprised in the slightest.

"At least wait for me to hire him first," Hawks continues, staring up at Katsuki with a little bit of irritation. "I just got his application."

"Well, when you do, make him my partner," he's aware that he sounds demanding and although he's not like that anymore, he can't hold back the urgency in his voice because he has waited for that moment for eight years.

"I can't," Hawks says, taking a deep breath, bracing himself for a long discussion. "Even though Deku is a war hero and I'm sure he'll become an excellent pro hero, he has to start at the bottom, like everyone else. However, if I put you with him, you'll have to endure all those boring patrols and easy missions that are given to new heroes in training."

"I know that. Just put me with him. We'll get to the top in no time."

Hawks stares at him and blinks a few times before chuckling.

"Well damn. Guess they weren't rumors after all," he smirks. "Alright. Just invite me to the wedding."

"Will do."

***

Katsuki hears Izuku ramble excitedly about being hero partners and their first patrol together in the comfort of their shared apartment, one that his mother finally approves of, although he has the feeling that she doesn't care that much about the place, but the person her son is living with.

Mitsuki has always loved Izuku.

They have breakfast, Katsuki prepares two bentos for the both of them and they head to the agency, directly to the locker room.

Even though it's not his first patrol, Katsuki notices his heart beating faster as he walks out as Dynamight, right next to Izuku wearing the suit he worked so hard for.

The suit that made their dreams come true.

"Come, Deku," he says, because he can do that now, he can offer his hand to Izuku, knowing he'll take it without hesitation and a blinding smile on his face.

They're partners now, in more ways than one.

It's been eight years to get to this point, but Katsuki know it's just the beginning for the both of them.

***

Patreon

#bkdk #mha #bnha #my hero academia #bakudeku #bakugou katsuki #izuku midoriya

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won1eluv · 4 months ago

Note

Can u do headcanons of yang jae won from Trauma code Sfw and nsfw plzzzzz

boyfriend headcanons of handsome doctor yang jae-won [sfw/nsfw]

word count | 0,9k

SFW

he's the best boyfriend(⁠ᗒ⁠ᗩ⁠ᗕ⁠)

⌕ no matter how tired he is after his shift, he always comes to see you. even though his hair is messy and his eyes look tired, he perks up the moment he sees you. he approaches you with a big smile on his face and gives you a long hug.

"um..jae won? everyone's looking at us i think you should back off now." jae won shyly backed away when he saw the looks from the nurses around him, avoiding your eyes and talking while fixing his hair "I'm sorry I just needed this, it was a tough shift."

⌕ he texts you directly during his shifts like 'are you okay? i miss you'. but if he can't answer you right away because he's busy, he gets mad, he doesn't like to keep you waiting. he does everything he can to finish his work early and then makes sure to buy you coffee or dinner to make up for it.

he had just come out of surgery and they were getting ready for another surgery already. he smiled when he saw the notification but when he was about to reach for his phone, a voice stopped him "anus, focus. we're not done yet." he let out a breath and whined "just a message doctor baek, it'll be a while." as he was about to pick up the phone, baek kang hyuk put the phone in his own pocket and pointed a finger "focus. I can't deal with your flirtations." he started to walk after the doctor who went out into the hallway, whining "doctor baek! please...just a message..ah..."

⌕ after a difficult surgery, the only place he'll go is you. If he hugs you tightly without saying anything, you'll understand what's going on and let him stay in your arms until he relaxes. he just needs to relieve his stress and you're the only one who can help.

"oh! how was the surge-" your sentence was cut off when he threw himself on top of you, he didn't say a word and took a deep breath, closed his eyes. without saying anything, your hand went to his back, you could feel his body softening under your hand as you caressed it with slow movements. after a while, he relaxed and then mumbled a quiet "thank you." before pulling away.

⌕ he makes sure you don't skip meals. you can usually get messages like "drink water", "don't forget to eat", "don't skip your sleep". he just wants to make sure you're okay, even if he forgets about himself.

⌕ If he gets really stressed before a surgery on a trauma patient, he'll think about the nice things you said to him or look at the photo he always keeps with him. even a simple "you can do it jae-won, fighting!" is enough to make him feel good. he wants to know that you support him no matter what.

NSFW

⌕ okay, now he's someone who's under stress 24/7, so I think he'll give you control most of the time. at first, he'll come to you in his tired state and bury his head right in your neck, and after telling you how hard his day was, he'll realize how much he needs you right then. the small kisses he starts to place on your neck moves towards your lips, before he pulls you into a deep kiss, the words he whispers "please help me" are enough for you to understand what he wants.

⌕ he blushes extra if you tell him what to do. he likes it but he won't tell you outright.

"just lie down hm? i'll take care of you." your words made him swallow hard, he just nodded in agreement and did as you said. you chuckled when you realized he was looking away "are you embarrassed?" he shook his head quickly "no-" this word that was so obviously a lie made you laugh again, even though his shy reactions to your commands and the bulge under your hips gave everything away, his lips said the exact opposite "liar."

⌕ he's hungry for praise. especially if he's the one on top, he wants to hear how good a job he's doing, it gives him more confidence. listening to your moanings as he comforts you between your legs, he wants to hear your voice and learn how far you can go.

⌕ you didn't hear it from me, but addressing him as 'doctor jae-won' in bed is the fastest way to get him going. yes, he likes to leave the reins in your hands, but even though he's a soft dom, the way you address him can make him go more rounds. you can probably tell from his swollen cock, even though he just came.

"please... a little more."

"what- but just-" your sentence is cut off by the fullness entering you again, the kisses you feel on your neck go up to your ear. "I'm sorry, just..one more..."

⌕ he can be bad at making eye contact. he usually stands with his head thrown back and his eyes closed, but if you force him to make eye contact, you can easily notice his embarrassment.

⌕ he's a big romantic even in aftercare! while washing your body in the shower, he'll give you lots of kisses on your cheeks with a small smile on his face and whisper sweet nothings. he makes sure that there's nothing you don't want after the shower, so you may be asked "are you sure you don't want anything?" a lot. his famous words when you go to bed are "thank you for today. thank you for loving me." he's grateful to have you in his life and he wants you to know it.

#the trauma code: heroes on call #yang jae won #yang jae won imagines #yang jae won headcanons #yang jae won smut #choo young woo imagines #yang jae won x reader #choo young woo x reader

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pit-stop-princess · 2 months ago

Text

Click Click - Chapter Three

Ollie Bearman x Photographer!Fem!Reader

Kimi Antonelli & Antonelli!Sister!Reader

Summary: I came to F1 with my little brother Kimi to photograph his rookie season, not to fall for his best friend and Haas's golden boy. Somehow, Ollie Bearman keeps ending up in my shots!

Warnings: Angst, fluff, awkward text messages, young Kimi panicking, self-doubt, talk of perfection, picture of woman in swimsuit, light swearing

Word Count: 1694, not including text threads or social media posts

Notes: I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. It's very long. I'm graduating in just two weeks, so I've been feeling very nostalgic lately, and this chapter very much reflects that. Val's face claim is Niki Victoria for the sake of consistency. All in all, please enjoy and let me know what you liked about it!

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Nine Years Ago, ages 11 & 12

The kart was still smoking faintly when I reached the edge of the track, skidding to a stop just past the barriers. Kimi had ripped off his helmet and sat slumped in the grass, tear tracks already streaking the dirt on his cheeks. His hair stuck to his forehead in damp little curls, and he looked about two seconds from a full meltdown.

“My engine died,” he said, voice breaking halfway through. “It just- it stalled and I couldn’t fix it and I DNF’d the race and-”

“Hey,” I said, crouching in front of him. “Breathe, Kimi. It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” he sniffled. “I practiced so hard. And I was gonna win. You said I could win.”

“You can win.” I reached out and wiped a smudge of oil off his nose. “Just not today.”

He curled his hands into fists. “It’s not fair.”

“No,” I agreed. “But you’re not done yet.”

He looked up at me through wet lashes, lip wobbling. “What if I never make it?”

I smiled, even though my throat was suddenly tight. “Kimi, I swear on the stars you will. And when you do? I’ll be there. Every race. Every lap. Camera in hand, yelling louder than your entire pit wall.”

His eyes went wide. “You promise?”

“I promise,” I said, tears pricking my own eyes, pinky out. “You race. I’ll shoot. Deal?”

He linked his pinky with mine. “Deal.”

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Present Day

speed bump = Kimi, ollie bearman = Ollie Bearman, that bitch val = Valentina (Val)

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Val was waiting for me at the airport. She's tall, all sharp cheekbones and bright blue eyes, with beautiful curls that live in a perpetual state of artful chaos. She’s got the kind of style that looks effortlessly put together, even when it’s just thrifted jeans, a cropped tee, and golden hoop earrings.

We met at fourteen, two kids who dreamed too big for their school and the nuns who ran it.

Val was the new girl from Florence with clean blue nail polish and dreams of being a model. I was the girl with a camera instead of friends, always in the back of the classroom documenting shadows and corners and silence.

We were on a class trip when I asked if I could take a picture of her for the first time. I posed her, set up my angle, and got the shot. It was my first photo I was truly happy with since leaving Kimi.

When I showed Val the shot, she gripped my arm and told me I was the only one who made her look like her.

We’ve stuck together ever since.

She speaks with her hands, her heart, and absolutely no filter. One minute she’s dramatically reenacting a conversation with the cute barista at the cafe, the next she’s waxing poetic about the symbolism in a street mural or why that particular pigeon seems to be giving her attitude. There’s always a snack in her bag, a book with a cracked spine, and at least three bandages for other people’s blisters.

I told her how I loved motorsports, but stopped when Kimi went to the academy. I showed her the pictures I had taken, a year old at that point, and then newer pictures of people, landscapes, close-ups, and everything in between.

“You always think you’re photographing people doing something. Driving. Laughing. Walking. But the ones that matter, they’re when the person forgets they’re doing anything at all. It’s the breath between words. The blink after a smile. That’s the truth.”

When we left school, we built our empires. I would photograph for her, she would model for me. Our portfolios grew in tandem. She got her first job with a boutique brand in Milan. I got published in a small arts zine out of Rome. When I landed a travel feature for a new indie magazine, Val came with me to the Amalfi coast, wearing vintage scarves and red lipstick, standing barefoot on sea-slick rocks while I got the shot.

“You make me look like someone worth looking at,” she said once, quiet and serious, as we reviewed the prints in a café booth sticky with sugar.

I laughed. “You always were.”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Before you, I just felt… pretty. Now I feel seen.”

And now, here she is, picking me up from the airport, hugging me so tight I lose my breath, already talking a mile a minute about the pasta she made and the barista she may or may not have a crush on but is too stubborn to admit it.

“I missed you,” I say into her hair, which smells like bergamot and sea salt.

She squeezes me tighter. “You left for, like, two weeks.”

“I know,” I say. “Too long.”

She pulls back, squints at me, then grins. “You look pale.”

“You look chaotic.”

“Thank you,” she says proudly. “Now come on. I made pesto. And I want to hear everything.”

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“So. Kimi sent you Ollie’s number, you texted first, he responded, and then the conversation died.”

“SÌ, basically. I think he might have been busy because he said he was ‘just training’ but I don’t know if I came across as too awkward.” I said, flopping down on her couch. “We haven’t talked outside of Kimi introducing us, so maybe it was too soon?”

Val shrugged her perfectly tan shoulder. “Maybe.”

“You’re supposed to lie and assure me it wasn’t too soon.”

She blinked at me. “Okay, you came off tragically normal. That’s even worse.”

I groaned and threw my arm over my eyes. “I hate you.”

“No, you don’t,” She said, standing up gracefully. “Now come on, you’re back home, and we’re going to the beach. I need fresh air, and you need the sun.”

“I’m not that pale!”

She threw my swimsuit at me.

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I had missed the beach.

By the time we got down to the shore, the sun was bright and the sea was throwing glitter across the surface with every wave. I kicked off my shoes and wandered to the edge of the tide, the sand already cool and damp beneath my feet.

I just stood there, let the breeze get into my hair, let the waves pull at my ankles, let the sun kiss my skin. I could hear Val rustling around behind me, probably laying out her towel like a ritual, probably already monologuing to a seagull.

I turned just in time to see her toss a sun-warmed peach into the air and catch it like she was in a commercial for perfect summer evenings.

“Come on,” she called. “You're allowed to be dramatic, but not that dramatic.”

I laughed, and it felt good, loose and warm in my chest. I jogged back up the shore, collapsing beside her and stealing one of her chips.

“Hey!”

“Friend tax.”

We spent the rest of the day sunbathing and taking pictures. As much as I loved photographing F1, I missed taking photos of Val.

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❤️ liked by kimi.antonelli, valentinavlogs, olliebearman, & others

yourusername back home for a little while with @/valentinavlogs 🐚🩵

view comments

valentinavlogs lookin like a couple of baddies

⤷ yourusername girl what are you talking about 😭

user34 I wish this was my life

⤷ user23 don't we all??

kimi.antonelli come back ollie hasn't stopped asking about you

⤷ olliebearman shut up, kimi

❤️ liked by author

user80 will she be at the next race?

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Five Years Ago, ages 13 & 15

It was late.

Too late for the track to still be echoing in his head, but I could see it in the way he sat on the curb- hunched over, hands loose between his knees, helmet abandoned beside him like it’d said something mean. The kart was parked a few feet away, half-loaded onto the trailer, the last stragglers from the paddock already packing up and heading out.

I sat down next to him, not saying anything at first. Just breathed in the warm, dusty air, the scent of engine grease and old asphalt.

He didn’t look at me. Just said, flatly, “I was shit today.”

“You weren’t.”

“I was. I spun out. I missed the apexes. I didn’t listen.” He ran both hands through his hair, frustrated. “Everyone saw it. They always see it. Every mistake, every second too slow-”

“Kimi.”

He kept going like I hadn’t spoken. “And I can’t keep up. Not with the guys the scouts are watching. Not if I keep messing it up every time it counts. Maybe I’m not- maybe I’m not cut out for it.”

“Andrea.” I touched his arm. “Look at me.”

He did, eventually. Eyes bright and wet in the glow from the nearest overhead light, jaw tight with everything he couldn’t say out loud.

“You are not your lap time,” I said gently. “You are not your placing or your telemetry data or how many people are looking at you. You are the kid who listens. Who learns. Who takes everything people throw at him and actually gets better. That’s rare, Kimi.”

He sniffled, quietly. “Doesn’t feel like enough.”

I tilted my head, nudged my shoulder into his. “You want to be perfect. But you don’t need to be. The ones who last? They take the hits, take the lessons, and come back swinging. You already do that.”

He picked at a loose thread on his race suit. “You’re always chasing the perfect picture.”

“SÌ, I am. Everyone is chasing perfection fratellino, but all you can do is attempt to be better than your past self. Learn from your mistakes, give yourself grace, and prepare for the next round.”

He didn’t say anything, so I looked up, out, into the vast stretch of stars overhead, and said, “You know what I think about sometimes?”

He glanced at me. “…What?”

“How lucky it is. That we’re on the same planet. In the same moment in time. Under this same sky.” I gave him a small smile. “Like, out of every possible version of the universe, we ended up in this one. Where I get to know you. Be here with you.”

Kimi blinked. “That’s weirdly comforting.”

I shrugged. “We’re small. But we’re not alone.”

He leaned against me then. Just a little. Not enough to crush me with shoulder pads or helmet hair, but enough that I could feel him start to breathe normally again.

“Thanks,” he whispered.

“Always,” I whispered back. “I’m not going anywhere, Kimi. And even when I’m not beside you we are still under the same sky, remember?”

He looked up, lips twitching into something soft and tired and real. “Same sky.”

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cirilla-fiona-riannon · 16 days ago

Text

Welcome to Beast's Party!

Translations may not always capture the exact nuances or tone of the original text. Expect grammatical errors and inaccuracies.

One week left until the thank-you party for Emma.

Yves: "This is bad."

Leon: "Real bad."

Yves: "We've already picked out the desserts, booked the orchestra—even the entertainment is all set."

Leon: "The tailor has delivered Emma's dress, and we've already sent out invites to our close friends."

Yves: "Yet somehow, I've got this weird feeling."

Leon: "Because it's boring. It's just too normal. It's bland."

Yves: "Maybe so, but Emma would probably be happy with it."

Leon: "But is normal really good enough? Is our gratitude only worth that much?"

Yves: "Ugh..."

???: "How about a divine blessing for such troubled gentlemen?"

Yves: "Uwaaahhh!?"

Azel: "My apologies. I didn't think you'd be surprised enough to jump off the sofa."

Silvio: "Yo, you guys are stressing over some pretty trivial stuff."

Leon: "You're joining in, so does that mean you're going to help us out?"

Azel: "Of course. Guiding troubled souls is what a god does, after all."

Silvio: "Got a price list?"

Azel: "Right here."

Yves: "You're charging us for this?!"

Azel: "Of course. Since you're princes, I'd recommend the premium plan."

Leon: "Maybe relying on a god isn't a bad idea. Yves and I have been racking our brains and still haven't gotten anywhere."

Yves: "Leon, look closely! These are rip-off prices!"

Azel: "They're not. It's a fair rate. I have the means to solve your problems."

Azel: "You can make Emma even happier just by throwing money at me."

Silvio: "Where's that confidence coming from?"

Leon: "Then I'll go with this God's Direct Premium Divine Oracle Plan."

Azel: "Leon, you're a most excellent customer. I can tell—we're going to be great friends."

Silvio: "Total sucker move."

Azel: "Exactly. I mean, thank you for your patronage."

Azel: "Now, let's get serious."

Azel: "You wanted to add some flair to what felt like a plain, boring party, right?"

Yves: "But we also don't want to go full-crazy like Clavis."

Azel: "Of course. Emma doesn't strike me as the type to have a pitfall trap fetish. So, here's my proposal—"

Silvio: "..........."

Leon: "Not bad, huh?"

Yves: "We're pretty much done. Honestly, I think it turned out pretty great."

Azel: "Truly wonderful. I'm embarrassed to say I didn't know you gentlemen very well, but now I see Rhodolite has capable princes—not just easy marks to be taken advantage of. I'm impressed."

Silvio: "Are ya guys stupid?"

Leon: "What?"

Silvio: "It's just a party."

Leon: "An important party to express our gratitude to Emma."

Silvio: "This ain't even a party anymore."

Leon: "How so?"

Silvio: "Like that thing over there. What even is that?"

Leon: "That's the High-Speed Jet Trolley Coaster. It races along tracks laid on the ground at breakneck speed."

Leon: "Someone flew off during the test run, but a little chaos is just part of the fun, right?"

Yves: "Do you even know the meaning of limits!?"

Silvio: "Exactly. And what about that thing?"

Yves: "That's the Labyrinth of Beauty—you can't leave until you've acquired a fashion sense."

Yves: "Once you're in, you're not getting out until you put together a full outfit I approve of."

Silvio: "Yeah, no thanks. What about that one?"

Azel: "That's the Fortune Teller's Pavilion. I thought I'd open a little pop-up shop."

Silvio: "Don't just casually butt in! Also, you got the digits wrong on the price."

Silvio: "You guys seriously took this divine con artist's advice to heart?"

Yves: "I thought it was a great idea."

Leon: "Same here. I mean, when else would we get the chance to build a prince-themed amusement park just for Emma?"

Silvio: "Something's not right. This whole idea's way too cheerful for a shut-in like him."

Azel: "Ouch. That was a deeply hurtful remark—I'm entitled to emotional damages."

Silvio: "Cut the crap. I know you're hiding something. You can't fool me."

Azel: "........"

Azel: "Fufu."

Leon: "Wait, so you were up to something?"

Yves: "After scamming us that badly!?"

Azel: "Now, now, let's not get dramatic."

Azel: "You followed my advice and created a theme park. You've arranged a grand surprise for Emma."

Azel: "No one's lost anything. Everyone's a winner."

Azel: "Now then, let's give it a test run. After all, we can't risk anything happening to Emma."

Silvio: "………"

Azel: "Oh my, Prince Silvio, are you interested in riding the coaster?"

Silvio: "I never said that."

Azel: "Leon, it looks like we have a customer."

Leon: "Got it, this way, please."

Silvio: "I SAID I'M NOT INTERESTED! Hey, stop grabbing me from both sides!"

Silvio: "You two are way stronger than you look!"

Yves: "Prince Silvio is being dragged away."

Leon: "Don't worry. I'll ride with you."

Silvio: "Didn't you say someone got thrown off during the test run?!"

Leon: "He didn't die, so it's fine."

Silvio: "You know, you seem normal, but you're actually kind of crazy."

Azel: "Alright, you two, are you ready? Safety bars secured nice and tight?"

Silvio: "Wait, you're coming too."

Azel: "I'll pass. Yves said he'd get lonely waiting by himself."

Yves: "I never said that!"

Azel: "Come on, Yves. Let's smile and wave goodbye."

Azel: "Well then, off you go on a thrilling and heart-pounding journey~!"

Yves: "B-Bye?"

Silvio: "Stop waving like that—it's pissing me off! HEY, ARE WE EVEN SURE THIS THING'S SAFE?!"

Leon: "Haha! Now, this is the kind of speed I'm talking about!"

Silvio: "This is dangerously fast!! It's downright criminal!!"

Yves: "They disappeared in a flash. You really think they'll make it back in one piece?"

Azel: "If fortune smiles on them, they just might."

Yves: "Don't say ominous things like that!"

Azel: "By the way, Yves, what other attractions are there?"

Yves: "Yeah, um, over there is my cute little brother Licht's dojo."

Yves: "Then there's an adults-only tavern, courtesy of Jin. And that brightly colored, giant tent shaped like a clay idol is—wait, did that always exist?"

Yves: "Don't tell me—Clavis?"

Azel: "Let's not get too close."

Azel: "Still, I'm impressed you managed to build all this in such a short time."

Yves: "Well, all the brothers pitched in."

Azel: "You really are a close-knit bunch."

Azel: "By the way, who provided the most funding for this theme park?"

Yves: "Funding…?"

Silvio: "*pant, pant* Hey, you idiots—don't just stand around chatting!"

Azel: "Oh, back already? That was quick."

Leon: "It's a high-speed jet trolley, after all. This time, no one flew off."

Silvio: "That's because I held on for dear life! And don't you dare put that woman in this death trap!"

Leon: "It'll be fine if I act as the safety lock."

Silvio: "No, it won't, you absolute dumbass!"

Leon: "Relax, I was kidding."

Silvio: "You suck at joking, you know that?"

Azel: "Ah, Prince Silvio. Your beautiful hair is all tousled."

Azel: "Good thing I brought a comb—here, let me fix it for you."

Silvio: "Don't think sucking up is gonna save you. I will never forget that you put me on that death ride."

Yves: "Judging by how this went, we'd better double-check the safety of the other attractions as well."

Silvio: "Alright, I'm out. I'm not some bored idiot with time to kill."

Azel: "Now, now, don't be like that. Let's enjoy everything this place has to offer—for Emma's sake, too."

Azel: "Truthfully, I've lived a life completely disconnected from amusements like these, so I'm rather intrigued."

Azel: "For someone like me—who wasn't allowed to enjoy anything beyond books—this place is a dreamland."

Yves: "Now that you mention it, I wasn't really raised in an environment where I was free to play either."

Yves: "Feels kinda weird going all out for fun now that I'm an adult."

Leon: "If that's the case, I'm probably the same. I was too busy trying to study and survive back then."

Azel: "Prince Silvio—you had a pretty rough childhood too, didn't you?"

Silvio: "How the hell do ya know that?"

Azel: "It seems that all of us here might have finally found our way to 'play' thanks to Emma."

Leon: "Can't argue with that."

Yves: "Looks like we've got another reason to be grateful to her."

Azel: "And by doing so, we may also discover who the richest man in Rhodolite truly is…fufu..."

Silvio: "You…"

Silvio: "You really don't miss a thing, huh?"

→ Clavis, Kagari, Sariel, Keith's side

#ikepri translations #ikepri jp #ikemen prince #ikepri azel #ikepri silvio #silvio ricci #ikepri leon #ikepri #cybird

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kingkat12 · 11 months ago

Text

icarus burning (roman godfrey x reader)

WARNINGS: stalking, obsession, upir!roman, Roman is a bit of a creep, toxic but sweet relationship?, mentions of sex

summary: sometimes, the deer doesn't know it's being hunted

word count: 2,514

a/n: this was originally supposed to be a requested piece someone asked for, and it was supposed to be a sweet story... but Roman is Roman and I want to do the request PROPERLY, so that's coming up later hihi

It was hard to get a sweet moment out of a guy like Roman, but not impossible— I knew that long before we got involved. Long before that time I started running into him practically everywhere, before he paid for my lunch when I was holding up the queue in the cafeteria because my card didn't work, and before he suddenly started showing up everywhere I was at school. Coincidences.

I first understood that he was into me the time we ran into each other on my Sunday stroll in the city and he offered to drive me home. It was during that drive that I was trapped with him, unable to run away from the notorious high school playboy my friends had warned me about numerous times. He had put his hand on my thigh, just for a few seconds, just to prove the point of some joke he was making— and I knew I was done for.

Roman eventually got a little weird when he realized his feelings were reciprocated, and it got even worse when he realized his infatuation was growing. He'd text me incessantly, as though he couldn't stay away from me for more than a few minutes at the time, and then proceeded to present as the human form of lukewarm tea whenever we met again in person. Maybe it was the fact that he was absolutely terrified of anything real, or maybe it was the fact that he had his playboy image to uphold— I have yet to ask him this, actually.

However, when I started giving him the cold shoulder, not answering his messages, not caring to put much work into our conversations in the hallway, Roman panicked. Completely. And it was during this time that I started to get a little suspicious about our run-ins— they got more frequent, his demeanour got more and more intense, and I could almost sense that he was spiralling.

"Just... don't, like, ignore me," Roman mumbled as we strolled through the bread-section at the store, once again having met by coincidence— right? "I get that I've been a little weird recently, but I'm really trying here..."

"Trying what?" I turned to him, hoping for him to be clear about his thoughts for once. "What are you on about?"

Frustrated, lips pursed, Roman ran his fingers through his hair as his voice got lower. "I'm messing this up already, aren't I?"

There was something different about him today. He was fidgety, anxious— what was happening? I wondered if he felt rejected by my rebellion against his weird habit of going hot and cold. "Messing what up, Roman?" If only he could just say that he liked me out loud. That would make me feel more at ease about liking him back despite everyone around me telling me not to.

Roman clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, nodding to himself, mind clearly racing. "Nothing. Forget it," Without even saying bye, he turned the other way and disappeared into the next aisle, leaving me even more confused than before.

After having thought about our interaction at the store thoroughly, it dawned on me that I hadn't actually seen Roman with an actual girlfriend on his arm. Ever. He was either with a cheerleader he'd change out every few weeks, racing through the cheer-team as though it was a revolving door, or with some random freshman girl who had no idea what she was getting herself into. Now that I really thought about it, I hadn't seen him with either category during the past few weeks we had been talking. I had a feeling that Roman wasn't faking his cluelessness, and that he was genuinely walking around in the dark concerning how to address his feelings and act on them.

Something told me I had to give him a nudge in the right direction.

The next day at school, I found him rummaging through his locker, possibly looking for a pack of cigarettes he had buried beneath all the books he never used. I leaned my back against the locker next to his, waiting for him to notice me. And when he did, I watched his usual serious face melt away and morph into a look of cocky surprise; "Oh my, look who it is,"

"Yours truly," I said, raising my hands in defeat as I suppressed a laugh.

Roman shut his locker, his pupils dilating at a rather obnoxious rate. Was he relieved to see me after our conversation yesterday? "What's up?" he eventually said, his green eyes scanning me without even trying to hide it.

"Just wanted to say something," I had to steady my breathing— was I seriously about to do this? I could crash and burn, an event more damning than when Icarus flew too close to the sun. However, I knew I had to pull myself together, not wanting him to know how nervous this was making me; I wasn't exactly here to stroke his ego any further.

Roman's eyes practically sparkled; "Yes?"

Fuck it. "Okay, so... I like you. And on top of that, I have a feeling you like me too. So I would like it if you stopped following me around and instead took some action," I held my breath, watching the horror wash over his face— did he really think that I'd believe our run-ins were coincidental at this rate? "There's a movie going at eight that I want to see, and it would be nice if you'd join... I'd like that very much."

Roman's lips parted in partial shock— this was definitely not what he had expected me to say. He cleared his throat, straightening up; "Pick you up at seven thirty?"

I had an inkling that I didn't need to give him my address. "Sure," I said, biting back a smirk. "Bring extra cash, by the way. Popcorn is on you."

Roman let out a laugh as he shook his head, clearly in denial. "As if I'd let you pay in the first place," He leaned against his locker, letting out a relieved sigh as he crossed his arms over his chest. "You look nice today."

I did my best to not blush. Later, I have learned from Roman that my attempt was unsuccessful. "I know," I said, trying to hide my growing grin as I kicked off the locker; "Well, I was waiting for you to say that... And now that you have, I'm off to class. See you later, Rome."

Unable to hold back, Roman chuckled as he watched me go, letting out the breath he had been holding.

Surprisingly, my plan had worked. The cinema date was the first of several that ensued, and I rewarded his normal behaviour by texting him back a little more frequently. However, I wasn't completely sold on dating him further, because the weird situationship-phase was probably a little weirder than it would normally be. For instance, there were times where I wouldn't respond for a few hours because I was busy with friends or family, and feel... watched.

There was also that one time where Roman just... didn't let me leave the car after a date. It was quite bad, actually, because it was right in that moment where I felt like I had gotten my period and needed to make a run for it to check. But the doors were locked and the windows shut; his voice dropped and his eyes were weirdly dark when he finally turned to me, suddenly not looking like his usual self. "Could you just stay here... a little longer?"

I couldn't quite pinpoint what was happening, but I noted to myself that he probably hadn't blinked in about three minutes. "I sort of have a curfew," I tried, tapping my fingers against the door, hoping he'd get the point. "It was really nice today, Roman, I had a lot of fun—"

"A minute," he said, almost like a command, voice turning rather raspy. Roman closed his eyes, breathing heavily.

I wasn't sure whether he thought this was romantic or if he had some weird plans for me. "... I think my parents are going to pissed if I don't go soon—"

And it was in this moment that he leaned over and kissed me, effectively stopping my trail of words. I froze, unsure what this whole ordeal had been about, but all my thoughts of reason and concern seeped out of my brain, melting into the kiss against his soft lips. Maybe he had just been nervous to kiss me, maybe that's what that was?

In retrospect, I try not to think about it too much.

And just like that, everything was suddenly sailing smoothly— I would sit with Roman and his friends in the cafeteria, his arm proudly draped around me. He had started to insist that he picked me up and drove me to school every day, which usually ended with us making out in the backseat of his car before class. And after class. And outside my house after the trip back, not letting me leave before he got a 'proper goodbye', as he called it.

However, at the end of the day, he was still Roman Godfrey. The same guy that had probably slept with the whole cheerleading team, along with half the school. That thought had me shuddering, and I did my best to shove it as far back into my mind as possible. Eventually, it started gnawing on me that he would probably be expecting something more of me soon, something more than just making out in the back of his car, and it made me go all Roman on him— also known as cold and distant.

"What's wrong?" he said, staring at me from the driver's seat after he had parked at school. "You've been a little weird... Did I do something?"

The situation was starting to make me feel borderline bad. I didn't like having this conversation in his locked car. "No, Roman, it's nothing... I'm fine,"

This was seemingly not the right answer— later that day, I was cornered in an empty stairwell on my way to class. Roman's eyes were so incessant, so strikingly green, I couldn't help but feel nervous. "Stop saying everything's fine when I can feel that it isn't," he said, keeping his voice low in case anyone would hear. "It's driving me nuts, you know me."

I gulped, needing to look away to collect my thoughts. I hated that I had started to avoid being alone with him, just in case he'd ask or try to initiate anything. In reality, I simply wasn't ready, and the fear of him discarding me after we were done was enough for me to postpone it. I also had a weird feeling that if I gave myself to him in that way, that he'd just never... stop. Roman would never get enough— he had already claimed me in every other way possible. "I just... feel like you want more from me than I'm willing to give at the moment,"

"What?" Roman's brows drew together in confusion. "That's just downright cryptic. Care to explain like a normal person? Are you breaking up with me or something?"

"No, no!" I definitely didn't want that. Feeling the tension grow, I ground my teeth together. "It's just... Have you noticed that you try to take off my shirt every time we make out?"

It was clear that Roman disappeared deep into his mind for a moment, scouring his memories. "I'm... sorry? I'll stop, I guess,"

I let out a rather big sigh, feeling my anxiety rise. "I know you might be used to a certain linearity and timeline with a lot of things when you were with other girls, but that's... not how I work," Finally looking up to meet his gaze, I chewed on my lip, awaiting an answer.

However, Roman looked like a big question-mark. "I suppose?" It was clear that he was lost.

I wanted to shrink into a tiny bug and get stomped. That would probably feel better than whatever this feeling was. "I need us to wait with... that,"

"... What, sex?" The way he followed up his words with a laugh made me even more anxious.

"Yeah," I mumbled. "And if that's a deal-breaker for you, then you have to tell me right now. Because I'm honestly not too keen on getting my heart crushed—"

My nervous ramble was cut off when Roman leaned down, capturing my lips in a rather passionate kiss which probably shouldn't have taken place in a school. "It's fine," he whispered against my lips, running his cold, slender fingers through my hair. "I don't care. I just care that we're okay. Because... we're okay, right?"

Smiling, I snaked my arms around his neck, my nose nudging his. "Of course we are,"

"Good," Roman beamed, letting out a sigh of relief. However, his smile wasn't there for long— his eyes rounded out, getting serious, as though he was about to deliver some very, very bad news. "But... just so you know, when a guy doesn't have sex for a very long time, his dick turns purple and falls off. So when you're ready for it, the chance might not be there... Just be aware of that."

I watched him crack up, giving in to a rather loud laugh which resulted in me giving his arm a playful smack— this guy, honestly.

And we continued to be okay for a very, very long time. More than okay, actually; it was a continuous walk on cloud nine, and I was officially convinced that he was the man for me. Hence why I decided to put him through the most nerve-wracking situation a teenage boy could be thrown into— meeting the parents.

I was currently fluffing his hair on my front porch, watching his knuckles turn white around the flowers he had brought for my mother. My sweet, sweet boy. "Don't be nervous," I cooed, getting up on my toes to kiss his cheek. "It's just dinner."

"Sure," Roman breathed, clearly spooked. "Dinner. Just dinner. Food."

I couldn't help but chuckle— he was so damn cute sometimes, and he had no idea. "After this is over, we can go up to my room and cool off, okay?"

Immediately, Roman's pale face turned a little rosy. "That's a consolation,"

"Sure is," Before I turned to knock on my door, I pulled him in for a kiss, stroking through his hair. "You'll be fine, Rome, I promise. I adore you, and they will too."

Roman let out a shaky breath, smiling back at me. His eyes had rounded out at the words of affirmation; it was clear to me that he was absolutely smitten, and he didn't have to speak for me to know what he was thinking— you're everything.

I tried not to think about the fact that it was sort of concerning how much he was into me. That I was his actual everything. How he'd sometimes tighten his grip in my hair to the point where it sort of hurt, burying his nose against the top of my head as he held me closely... and how it only happened when I was on my period.

I didn't care.

... For now.

#roman godfrey #hemlock grove #roman godfrey x reader #x you #x reader #fanfic #bill skarsgård x reader #oneshot #bill skarsgård #bill skarsgard fanfiction #vampire au #vampire #vampire x you #what the fuck is roman doing and why isn't reader RUNNING

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rainbow-nerdss · 3 months ago

Text

8x14 coda

It was a good morning.

Eddie let himself sleep in—there had been a concert the night before, and he’d picked up a couple of late night fares. Chris was still in bed when he woke up, but he was there, in Eddie's house, right there on the other side of the bedroom door. He felt refreshed, at peace with himself and the world around him.

It wasn't perfect, of course. Chris helped a lot, but no matter how much work he put in, the house still didn't quite feel like home. He knew what was missing. It was glaringly obvious.

Chris may have been the most important person in his life but he wasn’t Eddie's only family, and the absence of Buck and the rest of the 118 only felt more pronounced now Chris was back, and the gaping wound of his absence was beginning to heal. Like at the site of any incident, the most painful injuries always make themselves known only after the emergency is over.

His vitals were stable, the life-or-death fight had been won, and he suddenly found himself without the use of his left arm.

He started breakfast, figuring the smell of bacon would be as good as any alarm clock to wake Christopher, and tapping Buck's contact as a matter of routine.

There was no answer, and Eddie pushed aside his disappointment. It was later than they usually called. Buck was on shift already, might even be out on a call.

Eddie sent him a text instead, replying to the good morning message that had been waiting in their chat when he woke up.

Chris sat at the table, inhaling his bacon and eggs as though he hasn't eaten in a week.

“What's on the agenda today?” he asked between bites.

“Chris, swallow, please,” Eddie laughed, pretending to wipe away a spit fleck from his face. “I thought I'd tackle the front yard?”

“Gardening? So you need my help, then.”

“I wouldn't say no,” Eddie admitted. “But only if you're done with your weekend homework.”

Chris dropped his head on the table with a dramatic sigh. “Ugh. Fine. I have to finish that English assignment, but I'm all yours after!”

Eddie checked his phone, then tucked it away. “Great! Abuela was telling me about a nursery she likes the other day—how about I pull some weeds while you finish your assignment, then we can drive out together and pick out some plants?”

“Deal.” Chris shoved the last bit of bacon in his mouth and reached for his crutches. Eddie let him get halfway to his room before calling after him.

“Hey, have you heard from Buck today?”

“Not yet!” Chris’s bedroom door closed behind him, leaving Eddie on his own.

It was fine.

Everything was fine.

He waited an hour, weeded a decent patch of the yard, then tried calling again.

No answer.

He sent another text, then switched tactics, texting Chim to ask how their gender “reveal” had gone.

For good measure, he also texted Hen a picture of the patch he'd been working on with a complaint that she'd stolen Buck’s free labor from him.

He worked for twenty more minutes, then checked his phone again.

No answers. From anyone.

Something was wrong.

Eddie made his way inside.

“Hey, ready to go?” Chris asked from his spot on the couch. “Finished my assignment—you can check it if you want.”

Eddie didn’t say anything. He just sat next to him, turning on the TV and switching channels until he found somewhere showing the news. It was a local channel, and Eddie grunted in frustration.

“What's wrong?” Chris asked, picking up on his mood.

“I don't know,” Eddie managed to say through gritted teeth as he searched for something, anything that would tell him what was happening in LA right now. Finally, he remembered Google.

It didn't take long to find the breaking news story about the lab explosion, the quarantine, the virus. And there, beside the army tents and the news vans was a ladder truck, the familiar red with 118 emblazoned on it. Eddie's hands shook as he read the story, clicked the video, and heard the words firefighters trapped inside alongside potentially deadly contagion.

He felt completely useless, hundreds of miles away while his family was at risk. Chris leaned into his side. “Are they—”

The reporter interrupted. “We have received word that there are at least two firefighters in critical condition, with no sign of any relief incoming. Doctor, what can you tell us about the virus?”

The camera cut away to a woman in a lab, who started explaining something, but Eddie didn't hear a word.

He closed the news site and started texting everyone he could think of—Buck, Bobby, Hen, Chim, Ravi, Athena, Maddie, Karen, even Tommy, though he hated himself even as he sent it. Karen replied right away, though she didn't know much more than he did. Finally, Maddie was able to give him some information, and his heart broke as he read it.

Chris comes back into the room, though Eddie hadn't even registered him leaving.

“Buck's okay. He got out, no sign of infection, he's working on getting them out, but…”

“The others?” Chris guessed.

“Hen,” Eddie confirms. “And Chim, they… he's infected, and she's… Bobby had to…”

They were down a medic, he remembered. If he had been there, he could have helped them, not made Bobby do the surgery. Sure, it had gone okay but with these things, even the tiniest error could…

Eddie’s breathing was coming short and fast, until Chris put a hand on his shoulder. “Dad. Breathe, Dad. You can't drive if you're panicking.”

“Drive?” He asked. It was then he noticed the bag in Christopher’s hand.

“I know we have to come back. You bought the house, and I have school and… but I want to go back. I… please, dad? Can we go home?”

Eddie's phone pinged, the name he’d been longing to see all day flashing on the screen.

Buck: I'm safe, but it's. It’s bad, eddie.

Buck: Chim is

Buck: and Hen

Buck: fuck

Buck: so glad you're safe in Texas rn. I couldn't

Buck: sorry

Eddie felt the tears begin to pour down his face. “Don't forget to pack your meds,” he said. “And snacks—we’ve got a long drive ahead of us.”

#911 spoilers #eddie diaz #christopher diaz

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captain-sodapop · 3 months ago

Text

The Winchesters: A Post-Mortem

Endings are hard.

I’ve been dicking around, and as I wrapped up another Supernatural rewatch, I finally decided to follow through on something I’ve been threatening to do for a while: watch The Winchesters. Since the show is dead, done, and dusted, I feel okay about it because now it feels like it’s just some obscure piece of lost media and I’m not actually, you know, supporting it.

I think we have a hard time letting stories end, especially when they have been with us for so long. We live in an age of reboots and endless spinoffs. The Winchesters is an interesting case because when the flagship show ended, viewers had all their own feelings about it, but it was over and they knew it was over. Dead, done, and dusted.

Not so much.

As you know, on June 24th, 2021, about seven months after the end of Supernatural, Jensen Ackles announced his spinoff The Winchesters, produced by his and his wife’s new production company, Chaos Machine. Robbie Thompson would be heading the project, and it would be telling the “epic love story” of Sam and Dean Winchester’s parents. We’ve already established that there’s no story here, and no matter how you twist it you will never convince me there is – at least, not in the way they wanted to tell it. Diehard fans and conspiracy theorist Hellers seemed to end up being its primary audience, but considering its low viewership numbers, I don’t think it ended up attracting many people outside of the established fandom, and was thus canceled.

This was not a story people cared about.

This fact did not seem to matter to the good people at Chaos Machine and The CW.

Luckily for me, there are only thirteen episodes, and I have nothing better to do, so I am here to present my autopsy of The Winchesters.

The pilot moves so fast.

The Winchesters begins with Samuel Campbell, Mary’s father and Sam and Dean’s grandfather, who we know from the original show. In the prequel, he’s played by Tom Welling, not Mitch Pileggi, but he’s a mere shadow when we first see him, so we can’t tell yet how poor the casting is. All that matters is that we know he’s gone missing, and Mary wants to find him.

Immediately, the cold open of the pilot pales in comparison to the flagship program’s pilot. It really does feel like a cold open to any run-of-the-mill episode of Supernatural. It doesn’t create that same intrigue as the Supernatural pilot does.

But that brings us to one of the show’s central problems, and it’s something that shows up almost immediately: it is a poor attempt at rehashing the original, filled with Easter eggs that the casual viewer wouldn’t have gotten or cared about.

Right after that, we get the copycat title card and then a sort of awkward transition to John’s homecoming. He’s having PTSD flashbacks to his time in Vietnam, his tour having just finished, and goes home to see his mother (whose name I don’t even think is mentioned in the pilot, not until the second episode, so I think anyone wasn’t isn’t familiar with the original show might be a little confused.)

But this is where we hear him: Dean Winchester.

“March 23, 1972. The day Dad came home from the war, and the day he met Mom. Now I know this story might sound familiar, but I'm gonna put the pieces together in a way that just might surprise you. And in order to do that, I have to start all the way at the beginning.”

Um. Okay.

I’m going to tell you what this is, and it’s really very simple: it’s a justification.

Genuinely, I think these voiceovers are one of the worst things about the show. Now, Dean isn’t exactly a poet, and even Sam teased him for some of his corny lines, but these bookends are…beyond poorly written. Just strings of cliches put together, and the first one is the worst one because what it is attempting to do is justify this show’s existence within its very text.

As anyone who is familiar with the situation knows, when the prequel was announced, there was very public backlash – including from Jared Padalecki, who not only played protagonist Sam Winchester in the original show, but was not looped into any of this…at all. He found out at the same time the rest of us did, and it was pretty clear from the reaction that his was the majority opinion.

The thing about this little intro from the pilot is that it’s not really Dean talking here – it’s Jensen. It’s Danneel Ackles and Robbie Thompson trying to justify the fact that this show even exists. That exact sentiment showed up in several press releases and interviews for the show. Whoever was being spoken to, they’d be like “Oh, we’re gonna surprise you! It’s not what you think!”

The thing is, the prequel is:

Not surprising

Doesn’t exactly start at the beginning. That’s misleading.

(“I’m gonna put the pieces together in a way that just might surprise you.” Jesus Christ, shut up.)

The pilot does do something I appreciated, though, which was to acknowledge that John enlisted underage by forging his father’s signature. This could have been interesting, but they drop it pretty fast.

I know pilots sort of need to hit the ground running to prove their case, but if we’re going to use the original show’s pilot as a point of comparison, it’s incredibly weak. Not only were there rumored production issues and they apparently had to do reshoots, forcing them behind schedule for the rest of their run and putting immense pressure on the cast and crew, but it’s simply lacking. In the original pilot, we are given enough glimpses of the Winchester backstory to make the rest of the pilot interesting. Sam and Dean are brothers and therefore have history, a dynamic – though strained at the time – and an undeniable chemistry that intrigues us enough to keep us watching. With the Woman in White, we get an idea of what it is the family does and what Sam has run away from, while giving the episode a plot that isn’t yet mired in the show’s mythology.

The Winchesters doesn’t have that. What we have is John and Mary, and while a lot of people were rightfully confused as to why they – of all the characters on the original show – would be the ones to get a spinoff, the fact is that they did. Truthfully, while they would not have been my first choice, if treated properly, I believe John and Mary’s lives before the show could have potential.

What we know about John and Mary from the original show is that they were brought together by a Cupid from Heaven in order to ensure the birth of Sam and Dean, so that Michael and Lucifer would have vessels for the Apocalypse. In fact, the Cupid states that John and Mary couldn’t stand each other beforehand, but I guess when they bumped into each other outside of Slaughterhouse Five (which does happen in the spinoff’s pilot), I guess we’re to assume that’s when Cupid’s arrow struck and they fell in love.

Basically, their love is…not natural. It would not have been something they chose for themselves without divine intervention. The prequel doesn’t hint at this at all. Instead, the prequel has John and Mary immediately thrust together and John introduced to the world of the supernatural and the Men of Letters and on his first case all in those 42 minutes.

These are not John and Mary. Not the ones that we could be made to truly care about.

The John and Mary we know are much more complex. They are interesting, and flawed. We know from season 12 that Mary was sometimes sneaking out on hunts, even after Dean was born. We know that John and Mary would sometimes separate for a few days at a time, maybe even longer, probably because what they had for each other was not true love, but something divined by Chuck/God and the angels in order to carry out their plans. They were pawns, especially when it came to them as a couple. A story where Mary is struggling to keep her former life a secret while John is dealing with his post-service life, all while trying to be a couple and having these moments of realizing they don’t really know or love each other could have been a good premise. Instead, what they present is instead just sort of…confusing.

After the pilot, there are a series of Monster of the Week episodes. This is all supposed to be John’s intro to hunting and the true coming together of the Scooby Gang. This version of John and Mary are thrown together with Latika (she’s the pacifist who does all their research), Carlos (he’s the stereotypically slutty, sassy bisexual), and Ada (the wannabe witch who’s older than them and I guess sort of a mentor? Maybe?), and along with John’s mom, Millie, we’re told that they’re this big, happy found family.

Lots of telling and not showing here. In all honesty, John and Mary don’t have great chemistry, and that is not intentional. (I’m actually not gonna blame this one on the acting, at least not wholly, but I’ll get more into that later.) John is saying that he can’t live without Mary within something, like, three episodes. Honestly, he’s got better chemistry with Latika in the pilot than he does Mary. Actually, I’d say he has better chemistry with pretty much all the other main characters – Latika, Carlos, and Millie – than he does Mary, and that is interesting. Ya know why? It’s because it makes John feel like the protagonist. And John is the closest thing to a Sam-like character we get in this show.

We learn early on that the Big Bad is something called the Akrida, which are these weird, poorly CGI’d spider-looking things (all of the budget on this show went to music and reshoots, I swear), and they are out to destroy the universe – and not just this universe; all the universes are at stake, so it feels like the show is trying to play off what the original program was doing in its last few seasons. (Which, weren’t all but Earth One destroyed anyway? Or something like that?)

This is a big thing. It feels…too big. The first season of the original show did a good job of building to the reveal of Yellow Eyes, and they let that story breathe with the Special Children in the second season. We saw that while Sam and Dean were experienced, they were still novices in a sense, in over their heads, and did a lot of learning and had to figure out how to work together again. We don’t get that feeling here. They’re too good too fast.

xXx

In the tenth episode, John and Mary go up against a Golem. The Golem is under the control of a former Man of Letters who performed experiments on humans, and under the guise of helping them defeat the Akrida, he wants to use John and Mary to bring back what the Akrida took from him: his wife, who was killed by them in the late fifties.

When John and Mary dispose of the bodies at the end of the episode, John thinks what the Man of Letters was doing was out of love, trying to bring her back, but Mary says that he was only doing it for himself – that he was being selfish. And then she asks John if she thinks they’ll ever turn out like that.

Immediately, this seems to be an assertion that what Mary did in the original show – making the deal with Azazel after he killed her parents and John to bring John back – was this awful, selfish thing. That saving the only person she had left, the only person she could save (because she wanted Azazel to bring back her parents, too), was inherently wrong. This seems to ignore the fact that Mary had no idea what the repercussions of the deal would be. All she knew was that the demon was going to “pay her a visit”, whatever that was supposed to mean (probably assuming he would come to collect her soul as usual), and all she wanted was to save just one person, and that was the man she believed she loved.

I know we’ve established that John and Mary’s love was contrived, but to Mary, she believed she did love him, and it is ridiculous to think that her saving him was something that makes her inherently bad, or selfish, or unloving, as the prequel seems to imply. She could not have known that Azazel would do what he did to her, to Sam, and to their family. She didn’t even know there would be a Sam and Dean! She was nineteen years old!

And yet, the prequel takes this opportunity to vilify her. The fandom already did enough of that. When Mary made her return in season 12, her character endured endless misogynistic takes. When even Dean said it was ridiculous of him to expect her to tuck him in and make his lunch, the fandom still didn’t want to accept it.

Mary is a complex character. She was dealt as shitty a hand as any other character, but still had to absorb a lot of blame. Oh, god forbid she struggle to adjust to the 21st century, and having adult children, and not being dead anymore, and learning what the consequences of her actions were. She clearly felt immense guilt for the hurt that was brought on her family, which was something she would have never intentionally done. She wanted her and her family to be safe and did the best she could with the information and resources she had. God forbid a woman be complex or have flaws or be anything less than the perfect mommy to her adult sons. (Who – again – were not as upset about that as the fucking fandom was.)

And now the prequel is piling onto her, too. Our Mary is better!! Shut the fuck up.

xXx

The prevailing sentiment I had when watching this show was that none of it mattered. The plot, the characters, the monsters…none of it mattered. Not as a story, and not as it related to the original show. It doesn’t even really succeed at doing what it really set out to do, but we’ll get to that later.

Like I mentioned, the Akrida feel like a really big Big Bad for the first season of a show. Ultimately, what the Akrida are, are a failsafe for Chuck. Basically, they were his backup plan if he were to ever cease to be and they would carry out his plan to finish destroying all the universes he had created. I guess those of us who watched the original show are supposed to gather that he created these Akrida sometime around season 15, when he started getting rid of all those other universes. And, since the Winchesters and Jack defeated Chuck at the end of season 15 and Jack took over as God, these creatures are supposed to come in and finish what Chuck couldn’t.

Alright. A little convoluted, but I can follow it. It’s how the spinoff attempts to connect itself back to the main show’s plot.

But, wait a second – I thought this was the epic love story of John and Mary!

Let me just say this: this is not a love story. The love story in the show is pretty weak. Like I mentioned earlier, the show moves so fast, which means John and Mary’s relationship moves incredibly fast, and the show makes no indication that this is because of any Cupid effects (but maybe they knew the clock was ticking and they didn’t have a good chance at renewal.) We get no sense of how much time has passed here. I’m being told I should care about this relationship, but I don’t because of how little effort the writing puts into not only developing this relationship, but the characters themselves. So it’s hard for me to say that the love story matters in any way.

Then there’s John and Mary’s searches for their fathers. Those of us who have seen the original show know that Henry Winchester died in the future killing Abadon. We also know that Samuel Campbell first died when he was killed by Azazel in 1973, and then in season six after being resurrected by Crowley to help him search for alphas. After the show opens with Samuel going missing and Mary starting the search for him (which just doesn’t pack the same punch as the search for John), Samuel’s presence in the show after they find him is negligible. For one thing, he’s not a great portrayal of Samuel, and doesn’t even look like him – not a bit. That part isn’t as important, of course, but it does still take you out of it a bit. This Samuel is still sort of a jerk, but it just feels like he’s sort of…there. So when they find him, it doesn’t feel like a big deal.

John’s search for Henry is carried out a little better. The reason for John deciding to go home to Lawrence after returning from Vietnam is because a Mystery Man (who we all know is Dean) gave him a letter that Henry had left for John before his passing. It leads John to finding an old Men of Letters clubhouse in Lawrence, which he and his new friends use as a base throughout the show and is a resource for them in learning about and fighting the Akrida. When John finally does see Henry as a ghost (the result of a séance similar to the one Sam and Cas perform to contact Bobby in season 10), Henry is once again portrayed by Gil McKinney, like he was in the original show. That does help. Henry is mostly there to give them information to help them with the Akrida, but it does give John and Millie a sense of closure, unlike in the original show, where John spent his whole life not knowing what happened to Henry and hating his guts.

This all happens in the seventh episode – the show’s midseason finale: both John and Mary get answers on their fathers. It’s supposed to be the episode where all these things start to come together. Mary finds Samuel, John and Millie find Henry (sort of), we get some answers on the Akrida, and John and Mary kiss. Woohoo.

After that, there are another few Monster of the Week episodes with Big Bad plot running alongside it, just like in the original show. It follows a similar structure. The episode with Richard Speight, Jr. as Loki (not sure if it’s supposed to be the real Loki or Gabriel as Loki, but probably the latter?) is maybe the worst one. Loki/Gabriel just comes off as an annoying caricature, the plot and his scheme are just sort of confusing, and there’s just…way too much singing. Part of Carlos’s story is that he wanted to be a musician, and he and his former bandmate do some singing, and the songs don’t even sound as if they fit the time period, so. That’s awesome.

Carlos is also subjected to more humiliation when in an episode with vampires – and I’m sure those in the know already know where this is going! – he has Latika douse his hair in holy water and he whips it around to splash it on the vampires. Like…since when are vampires affected by holy water? Not only is the physics of it stupid (it would be so inefficient to have to be constantly whipping your head around, just fucking squirt them with a water bottle or the water gun Carlos used in the pilot), it’s just not even right. It’s incorrect within the show’s own mythology.

The penultimate episode is a creepy clown episode. I will say, the clowns are sort of creepy, but maybe that’s just because I agree with Sam about clowns just being inherently creepy. It’s an okay case, I guess. This is also the episode with Rowena. Ada is trying to find some sort of magical way to deal with the Akrida, and she stumbles into a witch club where Rowena finds her. Ruth McConnell does what she does, and it’s hard to complain about Rowena because she always plays her well. She does give Ada the magic to use against the Akrida in return for a bonzai tree that has a demon trapped in it (I know, I know) because the bonzai demon has information on her son. (Who we know is Crowley, but he doesn’t get a namedrop here, and there’s no further explanation there. I guess it’s possible Rowena could have known in the seventies that Crowley/Fergus was a demon or otherwise had something to do with demons and hell, but when she sees him in season 10 for the first time, she doesn’t recognize him. I do think that can be written off as him just being in a new vessel, though, so I’ll give this one a pass.) Of all the guest stars they brought on from the original show, Ruth/Rowena is by far the best, both in performance and purpose. She shows Ada how to kill Akrida using magic, but doing so kills off a bit of her soul, similar to the magic used to resurrect Jack in season 14.

And then it’s the finale. Just like that. In the final episode, they go up against the Akrida and their queen. In order to kill them, they either need to use the magic Rowena showed Ada, or they need to use something from another world. They connect with a hunter, Joan Hopkins, who has been in contact with Dean/Mystery Man, who she has thrown into the portal and destroyed after months of him staying ahead of her, and no living thing can survive the portal (the portal being the thing that the Akrida use to destroy worlds.) John and Mary find out this hunter is actually the queen. She and her family have hunted with the Campbells for generations, and we find out that Joan was actually born in 1673 and after losing her entire family and her husband, she turned on humankind and imbued herself with monster essence. She claimed monsters weren’t the problems, but humans for always needing saving, making it so hunters always paid the price for protecting them. She was made the Akrida queen when she was cast out of her world, and she is helping them carry out Chuck’s final mission of wiping the universe of universes of humanity. And now, Joan/the Queen is at full power, and will open up the portal to finish the destruction.

In the end, there’s this battle, and all our new friends are there fighting the Akrida, and they use this thing called the Ostium in an attempt to summon something from another world to kill the Queen, the Ostium being the only thing known to be capable of doing such a thing. They use Dean/Mystery Man’s journal to try to summon him, but nothing happens at first, leading them to conclude that the Mystery Man is dead.

And then – as we all know – the Impala appears.

Mary realizes the Impala is not from their world, and therefore can be used to kill Joan. With the portal open, she runs Joan over with the car, but also ends up accidentally going through the portal, which as we know, no living thing can survive. Womp-womp.

But wait! The Impala reappears, and inside it is a living Mary – and Dean Winchester.

Apparently, the Impala somehow protected her (I don’t know how, it’s not explained, don’t ask me), and Dean tells them all he’s already dead, so it’s not like it could do anything to him, and I guess that tracks. He was stuck in between worlds after being tossed into the portal by Joan, waited by the portal, and gave Mary a ride out.

I’ll let Dean explain the rest:

“I'm a Hunter, just like you. But I'm not from this Earth…When I died, I made it to heaven. And [the Impala] was waiting for me. So I went for a drive, and then I took a little detour. Through the multiverse…I was looking for my family. See, I come from a long line of Hunters. I guess I was hoping that somewhere out there was an Earth that had a version where my family had a shot at a happy ending. When I was driving, I caught wind of the Akrida. Turns out that they were one of Chuck's last creations...basically, he's a real dick. He left the Akrida behind to wipe out all of existence in case he failed. Well...he failed. Eventually the Akrida were going to make their way to my world, and I got family there, so I couldn't let that happen…I took my little detour. The rules were simple. Don't mess with anything. Well…I gave it a little nudge. Thought it might need a little help. Looks like it worked out pretty well. So now that the Akrida are gone, you all can choose your own destiny. You can write your own story.”

Then Bobby and Jack show up. We already saw Bobby at the beginning of the episode, and he more or less feels like Bobby, but it’s still like…what are you doing here. What’s going on here. This scene at the beginning of the finale shows us when Dean gave John that letter from Henry, when he’s dressed like a Bond villain, setting the story in motion. Bobby reminded Dean then that they weren’t supposed to meddle, but Dean is Dean and does whatever the fuck he wants, apparently, and Bobby says he’s off to get the cavalry, a line I’m still not completely clear on because who is the cavalry in this situation? Is it Jack? Can’t be Gabriel/Loki because they’re dead, can’t be Rowena because not only is she Queen of Hell in the main timeline, but nothing about her appearance here suggests that she was the current iteration of herself from the original show. So I don’t know who the hell the cavalry is in this context, but I’ll let Jack and Dean take it from here:

JACK: Dean. DEAN: Yeah. No, I know. I know, Jack. JACK: When I restored things, I wanted mankind to make their own fate. That meant no interference from on high, anywhere...no exceptions. DEAN: I couldn't let our world get destroyed. Sam's still down there, okay? He deserves a good, long life. Hell, they all do. So, if you want to cast me out of heaven...so be it. BOBBY: If we're taking a vote, I'd say you give the guy another chance. JACK: There's always another case with you Hunters...even in death. Well...if you're going to meddle in things, finish what you started. After this...it's time to get around to the..."there'll be peace when you are done"…part of the song.

Jack then hands Dean the journal he had been writing in and the Colt. Yes, the Colt. Dean gives them to John and Mary, telling them to use the Colt if a Yellow-Eyed Demon ever comes to them, and to use his journal to help guide them as hunters. The journal is what we see Dean with in the final episode of the pilot, and what he says in voiceover at the beginning and end of each episode (which are just these platitudes and cliches about hunting and family) are written in that journal. They ask his name, Dean tells them it’s James Hetfield (founding member of Metallica), and then he, Jack, Bobby, and the Impala disappear.

The episode ends with all of them happy the Akrida are gone and free to make their own decisions about their lives. John plans to keep hunting with the gang, but Mary isn’t sure. She got into Kansas State earlier in the season, but she needs time and space. But she does show up at the Winchesters’ repair shop at the end, and she and John go on a drive while “Ramble On” plays over a montage of scenes from the show.

And that’s it.

xXx

Okay.

What becomes abundantly clear at the end of this show is that all that mattered – all that ever mattered – was what the fuck Dean was doing. It wasn’t John and Mary’s love story, it wasn’t the search for their dads, it wasn’t the question of whether to hunt or not, it wasn’t the Scooby Gang’s found family. It was just…Dean.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I love Dean. I think he’s an interesting character. I also think his death was appropriate. But one person was so frustrated by his ending that he decided he needed to do something about it.

The logistics of the finale are…weird, to say the least. I can understand the logic behind the Impala being capable of killing Joan based on the show’s rules. It’s of another world, and Joan really gets her shit rocked by it, like Regina George getting hit by that bus, so I can buy it killing her. Sure. And I guess Dean waiting by the portal in the space between spaces or whatever is…plausible, I guess, since we don’t know how anything works between universes, so I’m willing to buy that. (Notice I’m not buying anything here with much enthusiasm, however.) But what the fuck does Dean mean, he heard about the Akrida while he was driving around? What does he mean, he took a detour? Did Jack tell him what was happening? Was he the one who set the rules? If so, did he not take care of the problem himself because of his own self-imposed resolution to not meddle? Did Jack want Dean to give John the letter? I don’t think he did because Bobby seemed to think that was meddling, which Dean was expressly told not to do, but how does any of this work without some level of meddling? And speaking of Bobby, I know we see him in the original show’s finale, but what the hell is he doing this whole time? Did he get caught by Jack doing something offscreen that we’re not told about, or did he run to him and tattle? (Super out of character for Bobby to be a narc, by the way, if that is the case.)

Or, maybe I’m supposed to interpret this another way, as something Dean stumbled upon while he was taking his Heavenly drive. He said he took a little detour and went looking for his family. That he was hoping there was a version out there that had a happy ending. Maybe he somehow found this potentially happy version of John and Mary and learned their universe was being threatened by the Akrida when he did? I don’t know.

I am baffled. Befuddled, even.

This episode is the only one to acknowledge Sam, and what’s funny about that is that for as much as the show excluded him, it inadvertently reinforces the idea of Sam as protagonist. Dean wants to stop the Akrida not to save this universe, necessarily, but because he’s worried about the Akrida getting to Earth One and getting to Sam. He did it all for Sam. It’s fucking poetic, is what it is, and I don’t think they did it to be poetic. I think they did it because they knew that:

They were stupid to leave Sam out of it in the first place, and

They had to justify this whole thing somehow.

In the end, none of it mattered.

xXx

At the beginning of this, I mentioned how hard it can be to let things end. While we can joke about how ridiculous Carlos whipping his hair back and forth to spray vampires with holy water is, or how Mary was dressed like a knockoff Claire Novak in the pilot, or the vanishing Impala, or how bad the Akrida looked, or how convoluted the premise of the whole show is, I think there’s something more we can take away from this: The Winchesters is a study in both vanity and poor media literacy.

Dean Winchester dying at the end of Supernatural makes perfect sense within the text of the show. This is a tragic character completing his tragic arc. His death also symbolizes the end of an abusive cycle, but in order to acknowledge that, you have to acknowledge that something very complex exists within Dean’s character. Many fans do not want to acknowledge that Dean continued the familial cycle of abuse. Do I believe he loved Sam? Absolutely. Do I believe he was unfairly parentified? Yes. Do I believe he was also a victim of neglect? One thousand percent. But that doesn’t change the fact that Dean continued these harmful cycles. That’s part of the tragedy. His death made it possible for Sam to break those cycles and live a life he had been continuously guilted and shamed and ostracized for wanting to live, and while that’s in a sense a win, it comes about in a tragic way.

The tragedy is the point. The hurt is the point.

But Jensen Ackles just didn’t like that. Of all the people on the cast and crew, he was the only one who it didn’t seem to click with, and look – I can understand that maybe he needed to take some time to sit with it because he brought that character to life for fifteen years and that character has a rough end, and it also marks the end of fifteen years of his life. It’s tough stuff. But what Jensen and the producers of The Winchesters did didn’t add to Dean’s story or his character, it didn’t add to the original story, it didn’t improve upon anything, or clarify anything, or rehabilitate anything.

It was Jensen’s attempt to get the last word, and it failed spectacularly.

I said earlier that I don’t want to blame a lot of the show’s problems on the acting, and I think that’s true. The main cast are young actors who haven’t been in a ton of projects (Meg Donnelly, who played Mary, has the most experience with ABC’s American Housewife and Disney’s Zombies movies), and I don’t want to blame cast and crew for just wanting to get work, and the main case certainly isn’t unwatchable. They have to do and say some pretty cringy shit at times, but that’s not on them. The supporting cast is generally serviceable to forgettable, and only truly bad a couple of times (the guy who plays Ada’s half-djinn son is…not great. He sounded like he was having lines fed to him and wasn’t comprehending any of what he was saying). Carlos and Latika aren’t particularly bad characters or poorly portrayed or anything, even if they do rely on some stereotypes (again, not on them), and might be fine in another context.

I will also say, though, that while Meg Donnelly isn’t like…a bad actor, she’s not a good Mary. The Mary we know from the flagship program is sweet, and hopeful, and resourceful, and very capable. I could absolutely believe that the Mary portrayed by Samantha Smith or Amy Gumenick could both kill a monster and struggle to break out of the life she was raised in, and absolutely, 100% want out of that life and apply to Kansas State University behind everyone’s back (just like someone else we know!) Donnelly’s Mary just feels like a Claire Novak rip-off. Which was a weird choice to make, and I guess they could try to justify by being like Oh, well this is a Mary from another universe, but that’s not gonna fly. We got a Mary that could certainly kill monsters, but otherwise doesn’t really feel like Mary Winchester at all.

Then there’s John, portrayed by Drake Rodger. He was my favorite of the main cast, and the one who seems to be the true protagonist, which I noted earlier. Rodger had mentioned having watched the original show, and he has that sort of gentle giant quality that Sam had, and even does a good job of picking up on some of his mannerisms that make him at least feel like a Winchester. Does he feel like John? I mean…that’s harder to say than it was with Donnelly’s Mary. We know from the original show that John before hunting was a pretty different guy. He was probably struggling with PTSD after his tour, but Mary repeatedly refers to him as a sweet, open person, so I can believe that this John could be more like Sam: generally a very nice, gentle guy who you need to watch out for when he’s angry or scared. As far as performances go, he did pretty well – or, as well as he could, considering the writing.

So, yeah, I’m not gonna pin the show’s downfall on the acting because that wasn’t it. And I’m not gonna pin it on the crew, either. Sure, the special effects and editing weren’t always great, but they weren’t always the best on the original show, either.

This is a project that never should have been greenlit, for one reason because it would have saved that crew member from getting struck by lightning. The crew member sued, naming Ackles and the other producers in the lawsuit along with the network for not following proper safety measures. Director John Showalter, a Supernatural alum, decided he wanted a scene shot in the rain, even though there was lightning in the vicinity. The show had already dealt with reshoots and short filming windows, so Showalter, the producers, and the network decided to risk everyone’s safety, and a crew member literally got struck by lightning and woke up in the emergency room. I hope he gets a giant settlement.

It also shouldn’t have been greenlit not just because it was apparently poorly run and unsafe (which, really, is the worst thing about all this – the show’s not even good, and you’re endangering people for it), but because it was a petty little vanity project. Jensen Ackles just couldn’t let it go, couldn’t stand that he wasn’t the protagonist, and had to try to get in one last word.

But he couldn’t do it. He was never going to be able to do it. This wasn’t a project driven by love of storytelling, but by spite. He wanted everyone to be thinking Where’s Dean? How does Dean fit into this? What’s he doing there? He didn’t want to explore this weird, difficult relationship, or the original show’s major theme of autonomy; he just wanted attention. That’s what comes through in all of this because the story itself doesn’t matter. If these characters don’t reveal anything about the original characters or story, then it doesn’t matter, and it’s certainly not written or performed or produced well enough to make it matter. Why should I care about this John and Mary? I don't know, and the show doesn't, either.

And the kicker is that all of Dean’s voiceover bits are stupid cliches, it doesn’t make sense how he even got himself into this mess, and it all still comes back around to Sam in the end, anyway. So there was literally no point. It was all a waste of time and money and a man got struck by lightning.

This show was doomed from the start. Dead, done, and dusted before it even made it to your screen.

#supernatural #spn #spn prequel #the winchesters #spn meta #jensen ackles #john winchester #mary winchester #dean winchester #sam winchester #that's right I'm putting this in the main tags #idk if anyone will be interested in this or not but here it is #I know it's long but there was quite a bit to say #and I had nothing better to do #abby speaks

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roosterforme · 1 year ago

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Always Ever Only You Part 32 | Rooster x Reader

Summary: You try to keep it together as much as you can in Annapolis, but that's easier said than done. Bradley realizes that while this week feels unbearable, a deployment would be much worse. And you cautiously tell Bradley there are two people you think should be the first ones to know about the baby.

Warnings: Swearing, adult language, pregnancy topics, angst, fluff

Length: 4100 words

Pairing: Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Female Reader

This was written to accompany my series Is It Working For You? along with a bunch of my one-shots and other series, but it can be read on its own! Check my masterlist for the reading order. Always Ever Only You masterlist. Gorgeous banner by @mak-32

Monday morning came way too early on the east coast, especially when you barely slept and couldn't stop throwing up. "Why?" you groaned from your spot on the floor next to the toilet. You had exactly three hours until you had to give your presentation at 10:00, but Cat was already texting you from her hotel room across the hallway about getting breakfast. You'd be lucky if you could stomach a single peanut butter cracker and squeeze yourself into your uniform on time.

You crawled back out to the bedroom and rummaged in your suitcase for one of the ginger candies Bradley packed for you. It couldn't hurt at this point, so you shoved it in your mouth and pulled yourself up onto the bed. It was amazing that you could possibly feel this shitty. Your ribs and back hurt from constantly throwing up, and you were starting to feel dehydrated, but the idea of drinking something was too taxing to even consider.

"Why are you so mean?" you moaned as you rolled onto your side, letting your hand rest on your belly. "I actually love you, and you're being so mean to me all the time. Why?" You sucked on the candy and laughed. "You'll prefer your dad, I can already tell."

You kind of wanted to call him, but you didn't want to wake him up at four in the morning, so you settled on trying to get dressed instead. It was amazing that you did nothing but throw up, yet you were still all bloated and puffy. Your khaki pants were a little too snug for comfort, but you had no other option at the moment. When you looked at your butt in the mirror, you shrugged.

"Whatever," you whispered, buttoning your shirt as your stomach growled angrily. "Please, make up your mind," you begged your body as you heard a knock at your door. You pasted on a fake smile and opened it to reveal Cat Coleman looking like a million fucking dollars while you looked like a sewer rat. "Morning," you rasped.

Her eyes went a little wide as she pushed your door open. "Did you not get any sleep? You look awful."

You huffed out a breath, realizing you buttoned your shirt up wrong. "I'm fine," you muttered as you fixed it. "I'm just not quite ready to go yet."

"Yes, I gathered that much," she replied, eying you up and down. "Are you going to be able to present today? Because I can't do this without you."

You shot her a scathing look. "Of course I can present today. I'm fine. Great. Golden." You were in all honesty on the verge of throwing up again.

"Okay," she said with zero conviction. "Well, just knock on my door when you want to grab some breakfast and head over to the Naval Academy."

"Will do," you promised her. As soon as she was gone, you gagged into the toilet one more time before brushing your teeth and putting on enough makeup to hide the fact that it looked like you were going to fall over.

You felt weak as you tried to eat a pack of crackers so your stomach had something in it. This was a lot easier when Bradley was with you, rubbing your back and holding a glass of cold water for you to take sips from. You moaned softly and fought against the tears. If you thought about him too long, you were going to cry. Or worse... start to get turned on.

"I don't have time for this," you whined as you checked your phone. How was it already 8:00? Fuck, it was still too early to call Bradley, but now your mom and dad were both texting you to see if you were coming for dinner on Thursday. You knew you were going to have to invite Cat to come with you, since you only had one rental car. The idea of trying to get through the night with all of them was too much to consider at the moment.

Ignore it. Ignore everything. That was all you could do. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Focus on the presentation. Focus on not throwing up. That was the key.

You knocked on Cat's door, and she opened it immediately, dragging the tub of equipment out into the hallway with her. "It's late, so I figured we would eat breakfast and then head right to the conference?"

"Sure," you replied, picking up one end of the tub. But it really was heavy, and you struggled to get it to the elevator with her. "I'm actually not that hungry, so we can just get whatever you want on the way."

Cat scoffed. "I wanted to eat at Waffle House. I miss Annapolis so much."

Just thinking about the sticky floors and smell of maple syrup was turning your stomach at the moment. "Maybe we can do that tomorrow morning instead? Since we don't have our second presentation until Wednesday?"

"Fine," Cat agreed, and the two of you took the bin out to the rental car. She offered to drive, and you let her. Apparently you fell asleep on the ten minute ride, and she had to wake you up to go through security. "They want your ID card to get through the gate," she said, shaking your shoulder.

"Oh," you groaned, digging it out of your pocket and handing it to her.

"Seriously, are you sure you're okay?" she whispered as the guards inspected the car.

"Just jetlag," you promised, resisting the urge to roll down the window and barf. "I'm totally fine. Let's get this show on the road."

-----------------------------

Bradley poked at his burrito bowl in the cafeteria. Even the green hot sauce wasn't helping his mood since you couldn't actually eat it right now. It was just making him sad. He'd written five pages in the notebook for the baby, but it just made him miss you more. He wondered what you were doing right now. Surely your presentation must be over, but he hadn't heard from you. Maybe you had already checked in with Bickel. Maybe he should go up and talk to your boss and see?

"Wow," Nat said, snapping her fingers in front of his face. "Focus, Rooster."

"I'm sorry," he replied, trying to give her his full attention. "What did you say?"

"I asked you three times if you wanted to go see the new Tom Cruise movie with me tonight. I have a coupon for a free large popcorn that's about to expire."

"Yes. Absolutely." He'd do anything to keep himself busy this week. "What time?"

"6:30. I'll pick you up so you can call your wife from the car and talk to her before she goes to sleep east coast time."

"Sounds good," he agreed, taking his phone out to let you know about his plans. After work, when he was eating a bowl of cereal for dinner, you finally wrote back.

Baby Girl Bradshaw: The first presentation went pretty well. Have fun at the movie. I love you.

"That's it?" he asked Tramp after reading the message twice. Nat knocked on the door at the same time he called you.

When you answered with a soft, "Roo," followed by a groan, he had to take a deep breath.

"You okay, Sweetheart?" he asked as he headed for the front door to let his friend in.

"No," you moaned. "I had a rough day. I feel disgusting, and now your voice is making me horny."

This was admittedly not the best time for phone sex. He paused as he said, "Nat just got here, but if you need me to cancel the movie plans, I can do that."

"No," you gasped, "don't cancel your plans. Go have fun. We can talk tomorrow."

He shook his head as he said, "I'd rather talk to you now. I'll cancel."

"No! We can talk now. Put me on speaker so I can say hi to Nat."

"Fine," he agreed, unlocking and opening his front door. Tramp made a run for Nat as Bradley tapped the icon for speakerphone and said, "My wife wants to say hi to you."

His best friend took the phone right out of his hand and had a full conversation with you while she rummaged through the refrigerator and helped herself to a seltzer. Bradley stood there as patiently as he could, simultaneously feeling annoyed that you were telling Nat all about your presentation while also feeling relieved that he remembered to hide the ultrasound photos. You and his friend laughed and laughed together, and then he started tapping his wrist to get her to move things along.

"We'll be late," he told Nat, and she rolled her eyes at him.

"Here's your husband back," she told you. "Have fun in Annapolis. Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone less annoying."

"Don't tell her that," Bradley said as he turned off speakerphone. "Don't listen to her, Sweetheart."

But you were just laughing now as he held the phone to his ear and followed Nat out to the driveway. He had to kick aside so much trash to get in her car, he was about to offer to drive instead, but she was already starting the engine. "This is fucking disgusting," he told her, covering the mouthpiece of his phone. "Clean your shit."

She just tore out of the driveway and said, "Talk to your wife before we get to the theater."

"Are you in the car?" you asked softly.

"Yeah. Unfortunately," he grunted. "Can you tell me about your presentation?"

"I nailed it even though I threw up so much this morning," you told him, but then you moaned. "Am I on speakerphone?"

"No."

"Bradley! I am so fucking horny, Daddy!" Your voice was extra whiny, and the last thing Bradley wanted was an erection in front of his best friend, but he could hear in your voice how badly you needed him. "I was talking to Commander Patterson after my presentation, and I swear Roo, he asked me if Top Gun aviation was a good fit for me, and all I could think about was your cock the whole time. I even told him that things from Top Gun aviation are a really snug fit for me!"

Bradley felt his cheeks warm up. He had no idea who Commander Patterson was, but he said, "I think Top Gun aviation is the place for you, Sweetheart. Nothing else is gonna fit you quite right."

"Bradley!" you whined, and the sound went straight to his cock as Nat adjusted the air conditioner settings. "Fuck, you remember that time you fucked me in the back of our Bronco after I texted you dirty photos at dinner?"

"Yeah," he grunted, closing his eyes and actually trying not to think about it.

"Remember on our honeymoon when you finger fucked your cum into my pussy and then traced my tattoo?"

He growled out your first name. "I absolutely do, but I think perhaps we should talk about that later?"

"Yes, yes, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm going to get my vibrators out and listen to old voicemail messages you left for me so I can get off, okay? Have fun at the movie. I love you."

The call went dead right as Nat pulled into the parking lot, and the trash at Bradley's feet shifted as she went careening over a speed bump. He was trying to catch his breath. All he really wanted was a little more information about your presentation and to make sure you and the nugget were okay, but what he got was a semi that he was trying to keep at bay.

"If I get nachos and a soft pretzel and popcorn will you eat some?" she asked as she parked.

"Yeah," he grunted as he unbuckled his seatbelt.

"Listen," Nat said as she fixed her hair in the mirror. "I know you miss her, and rightfully so since she's way cooler than you, but if you just give me one word answers all night, it's going to piss me off."

"Sorry," he added, trying to remember how to talk. Right now you were possibly getting off while listening to old voicemail messages that you kept? Of him just talking to you? Jesus, why was that making him so hot?

Nat was glaring at him now. He needed to focus.

"I'm sorry. No more one word answers. Let's go. It's time for Tom Cruise."

-----------------------------

When you woke up on Tuesday, you were snuggled up and so warm, you reached for Bradley. "Roo?" But when you opened your eyes, you were met with the sterile looking hotel room through your blurry vision. Now you remembered talking to Nat and Bradley on the phone before masturbating and falling asleep. When you sat up in bed, you definitely didn't feel as awful as you expected. And when you eased yourself to standing, you were surprised that your stomach didn't lurch.

You had one text message from your husband, and when you put your glasses on to read it, you laughed.

Bradley Rooster Bradshaw <3 <3 <3: baby girl, i'm going to need you to describe in detail for me exactly how you got off. while listening to my voicemails? please, as much detail as you can. i hope you came hard thinking about me. i love you. the movie was good. i'll take you next week if you want.

You wrote back to tell him that you did in fact come while you listened to a long rambling voicemail he left you a few months ago about how he left the house without his shopping list and made it all the way to Costco before he realized it. "Your Daddy has a nice voice, little nugget," you whispered, pressing one gentle palm to your belly.

It was 8:30, and you didn't have too much planned for the day other than breakfast at Waffle House with Cat. You had to give another presentation tomorrow, and you were excited to talk to some more superior officers afterwards. You were also supposed to make it to a cocktail hour this evening, but you were planning on ditching it and hoping Cat could network for both of you. It would be nearly impossible to avoid drinking without drawing attention to yourself when there were waiters walking around with flutes of champagne.

You took a quick shower and got yourself ready, and you tapped on Cat's door. When she opened it, she eyed you skeptically. "You look so much better today. Everything okay?"

"I think it was just the jetlag," you told her smoothly. "Wanna go to Waffle House?"

"Hell yes," she replied, turning to grab her bag. "Hopefully we don't run into my ex or anyone I used to work with."

In all your morning sickness and preparation back in San Diego, you had forgotten that Cat also had roots in Maryland. "If we run into Mike, point him out to me. I'll punch him in the face."

She laughed. "I would personally love to see that."

You drove the rental car through the familiar town to the diner you'd been to many times with Cam when you were at the Naval Academy together. You snapped a picture to send to him before walking inside. Sure enough, the floors were sticky, but it smelled like strong coffee, and your stomach started growling. You silently prayed that whatever you ate managed to stay down, at least until you were alone again.

"What are your plans for the rest of the day?" Cat asked you as you glanced at the menu, a little disappointed that they didn't have avocado toast.

"I thought maybe I would take a nap at some point."

"Oh, that's actually a great idea. I might do that as well. I never get a full night of sleep when I'm home with Jeremiah."

You ordered a stack of pancakes and some bacon and then listened to Cat order the signature waffle. When the waitress wandered away, you asked, "Is Jake watching him this week?" with a little smirk. You already knew he was. Well, him and Hondo both were.

She played with the container of sugar and didn't meet your eyes as she said, "I think this week will make or break my relationship with Jake."

"Why?" you gasped.

She was quiet for a moment as she glanced out the window. "He practically begged me to let him help watch Jeremiah. So he and Uncle Bernie are sharing duties. I just... know how my uncle feels about Jake. They clash, and none of it is really Jake's fault. I just need to make some decisions when we get back."

Your stomach lurched. "What kind of decisions?"

She shrugged and poked her silverware. "If they can't get along, then I'll have to decide if I can reasonably keep putting everyone through this. I'll likely never be able to afford my own place, and Bernie is the only family I still talk to. But Jake...." She had a dreamy look in her eyes as she said, "I wasn't expecting to ever fall in love again."

The only thing you could think to say was, "He loves Jeremiah."

She didn't humor you with a response. Instead she asked, "Are you planning on seeing your parents while we're here?"

"Yeah," you answered as the food arrived. "About that... you mind if I use the car on Thursday evening? You're more than welcome to join me, but they want me to have dinner with them at home."

"You can use the car all you want," she replied. "And I'll think about it. Thanks." As you were coating your food in syrup, she asked, "Weren't Bradley's parents from Maryland as well?"

"Virginia," you replied immediately. "They were both from the Norfolk area. Nick grew up closer to the beach, and Carole grew up in the city." As you took a bite of pancake, your stomach growled awkwardly, but a warm thought lit up in your mind. "Hey, so you wouldn't mind too much if I actually used the car today?"

--------------------------

Bradley was in the air all day on Tuesday, and he kept looking at his little collection of photos longingly. He had one of you from when the two of you were dating. You were mid laugh, face lit up, looking right at him. And then he had a wedding photo as well. It was the one the photographer took where the sun was just hitting the horizon behind you. And now he also had a little stack of ultrasound pictures to look at.

When his comms crackled to life, he tucked the photos away and got himself in position for some tactical dog fighting with Nat and Bob. Bradley loved flying, but more and more he had been considering what might come next for him. One day he could get injured or fail an eye exam. Then what? Other than being home with you and the nugget at that point, he didn't know what else the Navy could offer him.

"Tally, tally!" Bob called out, and Bradley easily dodged the attack. He knew he was good. He knew he was the right mix of cautious and impulsive. He had to be. But there also needed to be more, because if this week was teaching him anything, it was that too many long deployments away from his family would be unbearable.

When he finally touched down on the runway at 2:30, he was hungry and thirsty, and Maverick dismissed him to the rec room along with Nat and Bob. When he checked his phone, he had a bunch of missed calls and texts from you.

"Hey, you go ahead," he told them. "I'll be there in a minute."

"Alright," Bob replied, and Bradley watched them walk inside the tower while he read your most recent message.

Baby Girl Bradshaw: I have a little surprise for you. Any chance you can facetime?

He had no idea what you could have in mind for him. A little surprise could be anything. Shit, it could be dirty. He glanced around before tucking himself up against the side of the building with his aviators perched on his nose. He dropped his helmet gently to the ground and ran his fingers through his sweaty hair as he called you.

"Bradley!"

Your gorgeous face filled his phone screen, and he smiled immediately. "Hey, Sweetheart. You look pretty."

"Thank you. I feel good today."

"How's the nugget?"

You laughed. "As finicky as ever."

You were obviously outside somewhere, and the sky was cloudy behind you as you walked past some trees. "Where are you? And what's my surprise?"

You bit your lip and looked between the phone screen and something else before you knelt down on the ground. "I just had this silly idea earlier when I was eating breakfast." You tilted the phone away from your face, and then Bradley knew exactly where you were. "But I thought we could tell them the news together? Let them be the first to know?"

He pulled his sunglasses from his face and stared at his phone screen as tears blurred his vision. "Baby Girl," he gasped as he looked at his parents' gravesite. Both headstones were decorated with fresh flowers which you must have just placed there today, and you had tucked an ultrasound photo underneath a few pebbles as well.

"Do you want to tell them?" you asked, your voice just the softest whisper that made him ache even more.

"Yeah," he managed to say as he fought to keep his composure as a tear slid down his cheek. "Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. That's not just my perfect wife sitting there with you. That's your grandchild, too."

He could hear you laughing and crying at the same time as you rearranged the pebbles. "Still just a nugget right now, but we'll bring him or her back again someday. Right, Roo?" you asked, turning the phone back to your gorgeous face.

Bradley nodded as he sobbed. "Yeah," he rasped as you smiled at him and swiped at your own tears. "Of course. The three of us will come back together. We can have a picnic. Let the kiddo meet Grandma Carole and Grampy Goose."

"That sounds perfect."

"Hey, Sweetheart?" he managed as he cried. "I fucking love you so much. You know that, right?"

Your voice was still soft, and Bradley wanted to melt into it. "Yeah. I know."

He wiped his cheeks with the rough sleeve of his flight suit as he asked, "You really drove three and a half hours from Annapolis to the cemetery?"

You curled up on your side next to the ultrasound photo as you said, "Yeah. It seemed like a no-brainer. I thought they should be the first ones to know."

"Fuck." He had to fight for composure. "I would marry you a hundred times. A thousand times. I would marry you a million fucking times, Sweetheart."

You laughed softly. "I'd let you."

Those were some of the sweetest words Bradley had ever heard in his life, and you said them as you and the baby were curled up there with the memory of his mom and dad. He would literally never get over how perfect you really were.

Then you popped up and groaned, "Oh no." And Bradley was treated to the vivid facetime experience of watching you run a few feet to your left before you threw up in the shrubs.

"Take some deep breaths," he coaxed, just like he would if you were in the bathroom at home. "Do you have some water and the ginger candy with you?"

"In the rental car," you told him as you set your phone on the ground. "I was doing so well today, too."

He didn't want to say it, but he knew this meant the baby was nice and healthy. "Why don't you curl up with Carole again, Baby Girl. She told me she threw up non-stop when she was pregnant. I'm sure she can commiserate."

"Actually, I think I will," you told him when you picked up the phone once again. "I'm going to hang out with my in-laws a little longer. Have a chat about how much I adore their son. Maybe get their opinion on some baby names."

He laughed. "Don't let them talk you into Bradley Junior."

You shook your head adamantly. "I'd sooner allow you to name the nugget Bronco."

"Hell yes!" he cheered. "Bronco Bradshaw is still on the table."

You cradled your forehead in your hand, but you were smiling. "Get back to work while the nugget and I spend some time with your mom and dad."

"I love you more than life itself, Baby Girl."

----------------------------

She treats him so well. Fuck, this even made me tear up a little bit. Grandma Carole and Grampy Goose would have been the best. Next we will find out what kind of trouble awaits in Maryland. Thanks @mak-32 and @beyondthesefourwalls

PART 33

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