#I am *horrible* to my mentor characters but I refuse to kill them off

[ardeawritten]

The Blorbos in my head~!

-Seth, from David's Story: Defector from his homeland, his family started a war, he had to kill his brothers in a duel, spent eight years in prison, has an illegal super-power that he hates, and has a demon in his head trying to convince him to join the dark side. (can you tell I designed this guy when I was 14.) ((I still think he's cool.))

-The Jackdaw, from Griffin Girl. Born outside his colony's class system, social outcast his entire childhood, only survivor of his cohort, tames and bonds with an alien 'griffin' by living in its nest with zero human contact for a year, first human to survive alone on the planet, can never reintegrate with his own society or eat human/earth food again. (he's kinda pseudo-Western Outlaw ish, lived too long in the Wilderness and forgot how to Person)

-Kevin/Pegasus, from Pantheon. Caught up in a planetary war, imprisoned as a suspected terrorist, looses all autonomy and subject to medical experimentation, trapped inside an illegal war machine as a living pilot, sent into combat as an unwilling weapon and buries his humanity for years, and is then forgotten in a junkyard before being recommissioned and forced to fight his best friends. (I was clearly under a lot of stress when I created him lol probably grad school)

Apparently I'm nicer to my female characters. Seth's better half is Lady Kheris, a war hero and respected politician who helps him keep his sanity. The Jackdaw has an upper-class wife who uses her class privilege to ensure he always has a home despite his powerful enemies. Kevin's two female friends Hannah & Emily come through the war in much better psychological shape than he does and when he finds them again they're doing spectacular, all things considered!

[ramzawrites]

Prince!Eret x Assassin!Reader - One Dance

GN

Pairings: Eret x Reader

Characters included: Eret

Warnings: mention of death, talk of murder, very small mention of alchohol at the beginning

Series: No, a small fast drabble

Summary: You were sent to the local ball in order to get close to the heir Eret only that once you see the perfect chance for you to strike your emotions and feelings think this would be the best time to flare up.

Word count: 2119

Authors Note: I wrote this in the 2nd person which I’m not sure I like but I tried doing it anyway. I have been super busy with college but I wanted to write something for Eret since I love them a lot! Also this is really just a small drabble for fun so don’t expect too much lol

You sighed, taking another sip from you champagne glass. It was more so you fit in with every other snobby looking rich person in this ball room who where either dancing or chatting the world away than to enjoy an alcoholic drink.

Everyone was wearing these garish gowns with even more horrible looking masks. Thinking it would hide their identity and making a fun game out of this. Of course if you knew someone it wasn’t hard to recognize who was standing in front of you but if you didn’t it was apparently a charming game of who is who.

Though you weren’t here to play games. No, you had a job to do.

The good thing about this kind of ball is that it was actually not that hard to stand out. Everyone was wearing glittery, garish dresses and suits that the easiest way to stand out was by wearing something more toned down. All you had to wear was something that showed off the good parts of your body with simple garments.

That’s what you did. The only real choice you made when looking for what to wear was the color. At the end you settled for a simple wine red color. The mask you wore was covering both your eyes while also covering half your face.

There was no way anybody knew you there but it wasn’t about being recognized. The point of this mask was that you remained unknown. The Syndicate who you worked for made sure you were dressed properly for the event and wanted to give you at first a ceramic mask that would cover your whole face but you made the point then that this would probably pull a bit too much attention to yourself. The whole allure of this mask business was that you could see a hint of the real person.

This wasn’t your first job technically but this was your first job doing it alone and while being face to face with your victim. Honestly when it came to assassinations this was a classic and therefore should be treated as such, meaning people were expecting this.

Your goal? Prince Eret. The old king died a few weeks ago and he was about to be crowned the next ruler of the country but there were a lot of people who would love to see otherwise. Surprising? Not really. Especially seeing how the last king was a horrible ruler making sure to make the rich richer and bleeding the common folk dry. As far as people knew Eret wanted to do his best to undo this damage.

You sympathized with him, really, but a job is a job. To that you weren’t a big fan of any kind of government as well. You grew up with the Syndicate and got raised by them. You saw it all from the normal folk starving, getting beaten by the guards for not paying their protection fees all while the rich where eating cake and drinking the most expensive wines. So no, you held no love for this ruling system.

Everything was set. You had poison hidden in your clothes in case you get a chance to put it in his drink, got knives hidden and if worse came to worse you could use your hands. Now, of course to use all these things the damn prince had to appear but as it stood he was nowhere to be seen.

Angry you remembered how you told your mentor that honestly the best way would be for you to sneak in and kill him in his sleep but no this assassination had to be dramatic. To be fair this was the easiest way to get close to him if he would appear that is.

Repressing another angry sigh you decided to get some fresh air at the balcony. Give it five minutes and then return, if he is still not there you had to go back home. Your mentor forbid you to do anything else as it could jeopardize the whole assassination. Better to not attempt a failed murder and just regroup to find the next best opportunity.

It was already dark. The stars were up in the sky next to a full moon. A beautiful night for a sneak mission. Yeah, you were still not over that.

You took a good look over the view from the balcony. Right beneath it was a beautiful garden with all kinds of different flowers and hedges. Placed in such a way that it almost looked like a maze. In the middle was a beautiful fountain placed. Silently splashing in the night. It was then when you noticed someone sitting at the fountain, hunched over. Their back turned to you.

“That damned Prince.” You muttered. Of course you haven’t seen him in the ball room he has been hiding out there. This was perfect! He was alone!

Not trying to show your hurry you walked painfully slow back into the ball room, then out the room and snuck your way out into the garden. Before visiting the palace you had to learn the basic layout of the castle which honestly hammer back in how unnecessary this building was. So many rooms with no real use.

Outside, once you got close enough to the prince, you slowly pulled a dagger out that was hidden on your body. All you had to do was stab him. Either in the throat or heart. Easy enough. Wouldn’t be the first time.

Though as you stepped closer Eret tensed up. Did he hear you? You made sure to be as quiet as possible, there was no way.

“So, I’ve been found.” He spoke and turned around.

As he did you put both your arms behind your back, hiding the dagger in your hands. Trying to put a soft smile on your face to look more friendly “I am sorry, your highness. I saw you from up in the balcony and excuse my manner of speech but you seemed a bit miserable. Who would I be if I didn’t check up on the future ruler.”

Horrible.

Wait, did he roll his eyes?

“Oh, sure. I’m good. You can go back to the ball and enjoy it.”

This really wasn’t what you expected. You thought he would speak in this posh manner as all the others up in the ball room but he seemed almost normal. In fact everything seemed suspiciously normal. He wasn’t sitting up straight, his shoulders slouched, mask askew, clothing splotched by water. This prince was far removed from being what you considered princely.

To your horror you let out a chuckle. Where was your control all of the sudden? The prince eyed you with a curious gaze.

Embarrassed you tried to salvage this situation somehow “Oh, I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect you to be so-“

But Eret interrupted you “So undisciplined? Rude, even?” There was some bite to his words. Someone must have really laid in on him because of his behavior if that is how he reacted.

You shook your head “I would describe you as normal. Not snobbish like the others.”

For some reason he relaxed at that. A smile appeared on his face “Sorry if this offends you but you seem rather normal compared to the others as well if you see me like that.”

“Thank god for that.” You sighed.

The prince chuckled “Well, I’m glad to have met a somewhat kindred spirit then. I’m curious though. Can you tell me your name?”

“Y/N” you answered. Why did you say that? A blush spread on your face. Oh god, you are so screwed, oh no. Any name would have been fine but why did you blurt your real name out?

Eret took off his mask. Now you could see his genuine smile even more clearly “It’s nice to meet you, Y/N.”

“Ye- Yeah.” You stammered as you tried to mirror his smile. You needed to get out of there, now.

This went downhill way too fast.

Your heart hammered against your chest, you felt rigid while also shaking out of nervousness, your cheeks were red and warm. Honestly you would love to just push your face into the fountain to get out of this shocked state.

The prince looked so genuine under the moonlight. You mentally slapped yourself as you noticed that he was looking pretty handsome under this light.

“Want to sit here with me a bit? From what you described you didn’t seem to be the biggest fan of the ball as well.”

You nodded as you inched towards him and sat down. He returned to look back up at the stars. There were no words exchanged, yet it felt somewhat intimate. At least to you.

Gripping the dagger, still hidden behind your back, you waged your options. Just a stab. Right now. It would be easy. Just stab him!

But your body refused to move. What was all that grueling training for if you couldn’t kill your target? Hell, you have killed people before so why were you now having your troubles? Was it because this time your mentor wasn’t with you? Were you really so incompetent alone?

Then the music changed. You could still hear the music from the garden. It was quiet but still audible. The change of music pulled you back out of your thoughts. Taking a deep breath you finally made your decision.

You slowly opened your hand, letting the dagger fall slowly with almost no sound into the water behind you. Something in you stopped you from doing the job, no sense in jeopardizing the whole operation by making a mistake. All you had to do was get out and deal with the consequences then.

Just as you wanted to get up Eret turned to you. A blush on his face as well “I’m not good with this but would you care for a dance?”

He was cute you thought in horror.

“A dance? Out here?”

Eret let out a nervous laugh that send the butterflies in your stomach into a frenzy “I mean, would you prefer dancing between the others? Of course if you don’t want to dance I understand. It’s not really something a lot of people like.”

Biting your lip you stood up “One dance. Then I have to go. It is getting late and my family is waiting for me.” Somewhat of a lie. You considered the Syndicate as your family but you weren’t blood related.

Eret’s nervous expression turned into a happy smile. He stood up and took your hand in his. Giving you a little wink as he led you away from the fountain so you both had more room to move in. Your heart couldn’t handle this.

Together the two moved in tandem to the music. Giggling every time both of you made mistakes. Stepping on each other’s toes, almost crashing into one of the hedges or just making up your own dance moves that didn’t fit to the music that was softly playing in the background.

“Would it be rude of me to wish this dance never ended?” Eret asked. His voice soft with an emotion you didn’t dare to accept to be there.

You laughed “No, I too wish this would never end.” It was the truth.

“So tell me your full name or a way to get into contact with you if that is alright with you. I would love to stay in contact.”

That blush would never leave your face, huh.

It took a moment before you answered “I will get into contact with you, that is a promise alright?”

You then moved towards him, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek and as he sucked in a breath you let go of him. Moving away back inside, leaving the place in a relative hurry, all while Eret was still scrambling and trying to understand what just happened.

He tried to follow but you gave him a warning glare, stopping him in his tracks.

As you moved away from him he softly touched his check, returning back to the fountain. He couldn’t help giggling to himself. Whatever just happened it was the first time in a long while that he truly felt happy. His heart beating rapidly as he put his hands on the side of the fountain. Staring down into the water, as his rush of emotions slowly calmed down again.

It was then as he saw something glinting in the water. Curious what it was he moved closer. Surprised he pushed his hand inside the water to get a dagger out. A small dagger, sharp as can be with a few intricate designs at the hilt.

[words-writ-in-starlight]

on one hand I get that Andy is Bitter and Jaded™ but on the other hand Nile is already pretty scared about the whole situation and I don't know anyone who would take finding out that they are a new immortal by dying well so I'm like "andy pls be nice she is just a wee one" also nicky and joe have completely stolen my heart and I'm only 40 mins into the movie help

okay I was the earlier anon (if tumblr didn't eat my ask) and I finished the movie and I understand more and hope I didn't sound like I was unnecessarily bashing on andy for being "mean" to nile if that makes sense

Oh, not to worry, I didn’t take it that way at all!  Honestly it’s one of the things I love most about The Old Guard (what am talking about, everything is what I love most about this movie): it’s an action movie, a superhero movie, that does the jaded tired mentor trope without making that person intolerably unkind.  Andy is really bitter!  She is really jaded!  And she has every right to be!  She’s fought the good fight for thousands upon thousands of years, and she has never once been in a position to see real payoff.  Without any evidence that she’s been making a difference, she’s still marched into battle and stood up for what she thinks is right, even though the mortals she’s been protecting have done horrible things--to each other, to her people, to her.  Of course she’s so goddamn tired that she’s finally, finally, reaching the end of her rope.

But...

The Guard loves Andy!  The scene of her meeting Joe and Nicky at the beginning, where she cups Nicky’s head in her hand and Joe spins her around while she thumps him on the back???  The affectionately wry way Booker keeps assuring Nile “that’s not the signal,” in the tone of someone who’s been watching Andy wreck shop for two centuries and kinda loves her for it???  I mean, goddamn, Nile and Andy are at odds for half the movie, but even so, Nile throws herself in front of bullets and off buildings without hesitation, for a woman who embodies the total destruction of her life!  Nile brings Andy’s labrys to the lab, because Andy might be mortal and she might’ve been shot but Nile refuses to give up on her until she sees proof positive that Andy doesn’t need that axe anymore.

And I think it’s because Andy is still so affectionate, that it works for me.  I’m honestly sick to the teeth of the jaded tired mentor trope, because it so consistently just presents as--Naive Young Character Is Berated And Insulted For A Whole Movie And Bears It Stoically And Eventually The Mentor Sees The Light, or more commonly the alternative ending of Naive Young Character Is Broken And Jaded And Understands That Mentor Was Right All Along.

And this isn’t like that.  Andy is sharp with Nile at first, hard on her, but like--goddamn, I really understand why.  First of all, “well, you can’t die and neither can I and if you go back and admit that to your superior officers, they will make you a lab rat forever, so how about instead we go to France” is...a hard sell.  I get why she went for Show over Tell, with that being the situation on the table.  I mean, damn, I bet she stabbed Booker, too.  But second of all, Andy is just off the worst case scenario.  Her family was tricked into exposing themselves, on purpose, to someone who wants that information for purposes yet unknown but certainly nefarious.  She doesn’t have time to bring Nile in gradually.  She could’ve been nicer!  But she couldn’t have been slower.

And then--once Andy is back on steadier ground, in a safehouse with people she trusts, she’s not--softer.  But she’s not cruel.  She doesn’t berate Nile for wanting to speak to her family, she doesn’t call her stupid and naive for not knowing how to handle this.  When Nile says she won’t go with them to get Joe and Nicky, that she doesn’t want to kill people, that she wants to spend time with the people she loves, Andy lets her go.  It’s not a test, it’s not some reverse psychology bullshit, it’s just--

Andy sees that Nile is young and scared and hopelessly out of her depth, and she decides I don’t want to break this girl, I don’t want to hurt her, I don’t think this is a good idea but I want her to live her life with as much joy as possible.

Andy is bitter and jaded and tired and old, so fucking old, but she’s not unkind.  She shows love freely, she feels everything down to her bones, she looks at Nile (she’s only a baby, she says, heartsick over the picture Joe draws) and she doesn’t make Nile prove herself, just instantly and unflinchingly extends her family to include this new lost orphan of mortality.  

I think the thing that makes me love Andy in all her world-weariness is that, even after all her thousands of years of exhaustion, she is the kind of person who, against her better judgement, puts her secret, her family, her immortal freedom at risk, because she wants to save some kids.

[transbuckaroo]

pain, applause

hello. my name is andrew, and i wrote a short lambden fic a few days ago. this will be based on the “following the thread” quest from “the witcher 3: wild hunt” developed by cd projekt red. the characters are based on dev patel as sir gawain in the 2021 film “the green knight” as directed by david lowery, and paul bullion in the upcoming 2021 seaon 2 of “the witcher” as directed by stephen surjik. i haven’t written very much these past two or three years, but i am proud of this finished product. please keep any comments/criticisms kind. thank you, enjoy!

_________

The moment Aiden realized how well and truly fucked him and Baby Steadfast were, he was already surrounded on all sides. He could sense them. His medallion hummed gently against his chest with the signal of danger with every step he took. If he could get out of this clearing, he thought, just into the tree line to stay hidden. It wasn’t far; he could make it, just keep going. The Cat kept his hand at the ready to make quick work of grabbing his battle axe and kept his breaths even as he walked. Aiden knew what was waiting for him. It seemed the fox did as well. Always intuitive, the little one.

Jad Karadin came out of the trees in front of him like a shadow from an alley, looming and dagger drawn in his right hand. Aiden slowed his pace, too exposed, ears picking up the slide of multiple steel swords off to the left. Then two figures emerged from behind Jad, appearing as if they had come directly from within his body. Lund first, after came Hammond. Baby laid back his ears flat, centering himself lower to the ground in a defensive position. He placed himself between the three and Aiden as he went.

There was no running from them. These people were never meant to be his enemies; Jad was supposed to be his brother especially. If anyone here was supposed to be on his side more than anyone, it was Jad. An elder Cat, someone Aiden was supposed to be able to look up to as a mentor. Jad had broken the mold. Had children, a wife, a life away from being a Witcher. Beyond it. He had proof that there was more.

These things didn’t matter anymore. Whoever Jad Karadin was supposed to be was pointless now. Because he was an evil man today. He and whoever else followed him here.

Aiden drew his axe, pulling a deep and centering breath as he went. There were more of this group, hiding somewhere in the thick of trees, awaiting their moment. This was only to end one of two ways. There would be no other option besides these. For a split second, Aiden found himself missing the presence of a certain Wolf over his right shoulder.

Lambert. Lambert wouldn’t let him get hurt. He would protect Aiden here and now, and the Cat wouldn’t have to worry about a thing. In fact, Lambert would have already drawn his sword and made a calculated advancement on their enemy. He would have won, too, because Aiden has never seen him fail a task when he gets that crease between his brows as they furrow in his determination. Lambert, with his fiery curls and attitude to match. Lambert, with his impossible wit and unrelenting promises made to Aiden that have never broken. Lambert, the little brother of Kaer Morhen, baby of the lot of them.

Lambert, who Aiden swore to see back in the valley in Kaedwen where the Buina and Gwenllech rivers part in Daevon so them and Baby Steadfast could finally make the trek up to Kaer Morhen together.

The heat in between Aiden’s shoulder blades told him he wasn’t going to make it up to the keep this year.

“Aiden,” Jad spoke, knuckles white around the hilt of his dagger. Aiden snapped back into focus. He didn’t even dare to blink. “You know why I’ve come?”

“I didn’t kill the Duke’s daughter. I couldn’t save her. I tried.” The contract Aiden had held just months ago in the start of spring. A young girl, cursed, incurable despite the Duke’s pleads and Aiden’s best attempts to reverse it. She had succumbed to her circumstances. Aiden was paid for his efforts, bowed his head with sorrow as the Duke grieved, and went on his way.

“I’ve come to hear otherwise. You’ve botched it, boy. People are angry with the results of your work and lack thereof. You fucked up, and you’ve not shite to say for it.”

“I didn’t botch anything, I did my job. Not everyone gets a happy ending, Karadin. You’re a Cat. A Witcher. You should know.”

To be completely honest, Aiden hadn’t a goddamnable clue how he was going to get through this. Maybe he could take them. Most rivals don’t tend to waste time talking through events, let alone listen to their target. This time, maybe this time, Aiden could walk away with a mere banishment from the city. Possibly, hopefully, he could meet Lambert in time in the valley.

“You’re right,” said Jad, some semblance of resignation on his face. It wasn’t real, his tone sounded fabricated. “Aiden. Not everyone gets a happy ending.”

The arrow came right in that moment, whizzing through the air and lodging itself into the ground by Aiden’s left foot. He startled, stepped back, whipping his head around to try and follow its trajectory. Someone was up high. Someone was in the trees. Jad brought a sniper with him. Of course he did. Oh, of course that motherfucker did. This horrid, abomination of a man. The tree line was too dense, impossible to know where in the leaves the arrow came from where Aiden was standing in the field. He had only tried to look for a moment though before the sound of running footsteps came too close for comfort. And fuck, he could only gain so much momentum with his axe from this angle but he had to try.

Aiden spun back around on his heel, hands braced on either end of the hilt of his axe, prioritizing blocking the blow and creating distance before landing a strike of his own. Jad was successfully pushed back at the chest. Sent fumbling backwards to regain his footing. He growled in anger at the same time Aiden swung at his accompanying attackers, just barely missing them with the blade of his weapon. Steel struck and sounded a metal clang through the clearing. Aiden grunted with the effort of three-and-a-sniper against one, swinging his axe to catch a sword under the head and vaulting his enemy away. Distance was vital, energy was crucial to use sparingly.

“Baby!” He shouted towards his fox, whom of which was bee-lining for the trees where the arrow had come. “No! Run home! Home! Go home!”

It was something they’d agreed upon once. Home. They knew what home was, who home was. Where home was. The valley. Lambert. The point they meet and part at every year, the small town the Wolves have passed through many times in prior years. It was an easy place to go. That was where they found home, him and Baby. Lambert was home. Baby Steadfast knew this command well and clear as day. Go home. Go find Lambert; he’ll know what it means for the fox to show up without the company of his Cat Witcher. He’ll spring into action.

All it took was one incorrect turn, expose just a little too much of something or other, at just the right moment. It wasn’t because he’d called out to Baby; he knew how to give direction without faltering in his task. It was fucked luck. Terrible, awful, shit luck. All he did was avoid another two arrows in the ground, one grazing his cloak as it went.

Jad caught him in his right side with his dagger, blade plunging in deep and ripping a pained and surprised shout from Aiden’s throat. All the way in and right back out. Aiden staggered, snarled, and lunged at the man in front of him. Jad was a monster on this day, and Witchers know damn well to dispose of those. His side was on fire. The younger Cat swung, but Jad ducked underneath the blade. As Aiden turned with the momentum, one of the others kicked a boot into his chest and sent him backwards into Karadin’s grasp. The dagger entered the same area as before as Jad grappled an arm around Aiden’s throat. He was stuck. He was bleeding horribly. Baby Steadfast had gone to get Lambert. There was no way they would find one another in time.

With a strong shove from the man behind him, the dagger dislodged, and in the same moment whoever was at his left ripped his axe out of his hands. Aiden tried to spin around to face them as he propelled forward, but only managed to end up on his back on the grass. It was still cold with morning dew. Aiden could see the fog of his breath as he fell.

And in the most startling of realizations as Jad came to kneel over him, Aiden realized he was going to die. Without Baby. Without his dignity. Without Lambert. Without telling Lambert how much he truly and purely loved him.

He thought he had more time. Had it all planned out. They would meet in three weeks hence, and the night before they would make the ascent to the keep for the winter, Aiden would tell Lambert that he loved him in their room. This incredible, selfless, beautiful Wolf. Part of him even believed Lambert might say it back. He would feel the same. They were just like comfortable lovers already, what with the way they shared beds and blankets and curled up in the night to sleep, the way they helped wash and put up one another’s hair, cooked for each other, looked out for each other, lost all sense of personal space with each other. Melitele, the two of them even refused to separate their bedrolls while they camped out during their travels. They called each other “pup” and “kitten” respectively, dressed wounds, mended clothes and armor, cleaned weapons, hunted together, laughed and smiled and hugged and shared stories. Oh, Lambert was beautiful. Of course Aiden was in love with him. To expect anything else were a fool’s game.

“Oh, kitty cat,” he heard from above, and focused his eyes on Jad. The coldness of his gaze, so detached and unaffected. The only indication he’d ever been in a fight at all was the way his chest pulled bigger breaths than before. “Don’t go and cry now, will ye? This is just the natural order of things.”

Oh, Gods above, Aiden was crying. Silent little tears slipping free from the corners of his eyes, sliding down into his hair that lay fanned out in the grass below. Without dignity indeed. Wounds screaming in white-hot pain, vision blurring with tears that he could not control, heart aching, voice beyond him.

“Please,” the younger Cat spoke in a soft, quivering voice. He blinked hard once, twice, willing the tears away. They did not relent.

“Please.” He was being mocked. Then someone spat from out of his sight right into his hair. It smelled of salmon and tobacco. This time Jad’s dagger entered slowly, and new hot tears fell from Aiden’s eyes with the hurt of it, hand coming to grab his wrist in a feeble attempt to stop him. It did nothing. If anything it encouraged the man.

Aiden couldn’t grant him the final victory of looking away from Karadin’s eyes. Even as the blade ripped out of his body once more. Karadin spoke again. “You beg me to spare your life. Your pathetic little life. Insignificant, worthless, liar’s life. You were never going to change; your batch was doomed from the start. Your death is hardly any repayment, but it is the best we can do to provide peace and closure for the Duke and his people. A life for a life. It is but the way of the world, Aiden. Certainly you understand.”

Oh, he understood. A life for a life was the most polite way to speak of revenge. Talk of debts and dues, exchanges of wins and losses. A life for a life meant a day of reckoning to come. Lambert, kind as Aiden ever saw him, would cash this in as quickly and mercilessly as he could. He was coming no matter what. If he was unable to save Aiden now, he as sure as all things was going to tear apart whoever hurt him. What a gorgeous soul he was.

The fourth and final stab, a telling sign of Karadin’s assassinations. Aiden couldn’t fight it this time. A cluster of wounds just under the right side of someone’s ribs, always in four, always fatal. Aiden choked out a cry of searing agony, feeling the blade twist inside of him with force, squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his jaw so tightly he should have broken a few teeth. It twisted again as it was taken out, and all Aiden could do was let the fat tears roll as it happened. He felt Jad grab his medallion from under his shirt and opened his eyes as it was ripped off his neck and placed into a pouch at Karadin’s hip. Proof of death. The easiest form of it, but still worth enough to get paid. Hired by anyone associated closely with a Duke, Jad was sure to be rewarded handsomely for his work.

“Now,” spoke Jad. Aiden’s eyes were starting to get heavy, chest heaving, vision spotting behind the blur of tears. “You’ll be gone in moments, boy. A few minutes and this will be over. The pain will dull just prior, don’t fret. I will not seek out your fox nor that Wolf you travel with, but should they come I will be ready. Goodnight, Aiden. Sleep well.”

Then Jad started to walk away. Hammond and Lund went with him. Aiden could only lay there in the grass, sending his apologies to Baby and Lambert skyward and hope they would understand. He never meant for this to happen. If there hadn’t been that damned sniper, then maybe he could have taken them. But there was no time to dwell now. Darkness crept in, and Aiden’s breathing slowed, and it went dark once and for all as he bled out. He had failed. He was sorry. He could only imagine how horrifically pathetic he appeared. Perhaps he could be forgiven in time by his fox and his Wolf for never coming home.

In some months, when the snow lay thick on the ground, white and untouched blanketing where grass once resided, there would be the choking gasp of a man within the Brokilon Forest. Waking from a healing sleep induced by an old magic, cast by resident Dryads within the cover of trees that towered above. Known by many as the forest of death, breathing life back into someone who simply had not been due to die.

“Sir Witcher Aiden,” said a calming voice, a person standing kindly to the side. Her palm lay gently at the crown of his head, soothing. “We welcome you back to the living world. It has been some time.”

[starfanatic]

Luke Skywalker vs Rey... Nobody

I hate the argument that a lot of sequel trilogy stans use whenever anyone criticized Rey or labels her a Mary Sue. It’s probably the weakest argument a sequel stan can ever possibly say to me. (Besides the people hate Rey because she’s a women argument).

Lets compare them shall we?

Luke Skywalker in A New Hope is whiny, inexperienced, and very naive. There is multiple moments in a new hope that proves this. When he was whining about not wanting to stay on the moisture farm and wanting to join the Academy like his friend, Biggs. He constantly was slightly annoying throughout the film, especially to Han. When Han named his price and Luke was like “We can buy our own ship with that!” or when Han was flying the Milennium Falcon and Luke was practically yelling in his ear to go into hyperspace. Han and Luke did not get along at first because of Luke’s behavior. Luke went against Obi-Wan’s orders and saved Princess Leia, not thinking of the consequences. How he could possibly be killed or put in a cell with the Princess. He doesn’t think of a plan to get out AFTERWARDS only the spur of the moment. He was constantly shown to be inexperienced and needed his friends help or HE WOULD HAVE DIED THE FIRST MOVIE. While on the millennium falcon, Obi-Wan taught him things about the force. Maybe not a lot but he knew how to use the simple basics of it. Like sensing the force and letting it guide your actions (as Obi-Wan was trying to teach him before). For once Luke listened and trusted Obi-Wan and destroyed the death star.

Lets do Rey now WHOOP. So far the only personality flaw she seems to have is that she’s also naive? She had the same wide-eyed innocence as Luke had but it’s different and here’s why. Rey never suffers for any of her so-called almost non-existent flaws. Rey is experienced enough to hold her own in a fight against men WAY stronger then her (that’s realistic though but that’s one tool in her belt). She’s bilingual. She can fly the millennium falcon better then Han Solo even though she never flew one before. She is constantly saving people by herself, never the one being saved. (Before y’all bust my balls, Rey escaped that damn starkiller base by her damn self. Luke didn’t and couldn’t). She uses powers that takes years to learn and the excuse is the force dyad. So she downloads Kylo’s skills and training. Great. Magnificent. Rey is on a amazing start. And this is the first movie! She can only get stronger from here.

Luke is more mature and responsible in ESB. He’s a respected hero of the rebellion. Luke still struggles using the force. Even with the training Luke goes through with Obi-Wan he had to truly focus to pull the lightsaber to him. Plus as a common occurrence, he still needed help from his friends. He’s not invincible. He actually gets severely hurt (makes sense). He goes to Dagobah to get trained (because unlike Rey he doesn’t have the “learn force jedi shit that takes years to learn” cheatcode). And then he’s impatient. He wants to learn how to use the force so he can help his friends. Luke is again reckless, impatient, and he’s also insecure in his own belief. Him not believing he can lift the X-wing was why he couldn’t. Against his master’s and Obi-Wan’s orders he decides to save his friends. It’s a noble reason to but it still got him fucked up. He got his hand cut off, he was beaten and humiliated, and then he was told a horrifying revalation that twisted around everything he knew and believed. He was scared of Vader, you can see it on his face, but he did not succumb to fear.

Rey goes to the island to convince Luke to go help them fight the war. Why doesn’t Leia go instead? Who knows. Why does Luke act the way he does? Who knows. Luke dismissed her and was quite rude to her. Rey was having cute little talks with Kylie Renner in their little force dyad BS. She called him a monster and a murderous snake. I like the insults. It fills me with joy! But then she finds out the truth. Rey did do something reckless and stupid but as usual she doesn’t suffer the consequences to her actions. Technically she’s morally superior to Luke because she saw the good in him and felt like she could turn him to the light (after slicing his face open. Ok). Rey decides to give herself up to the First Order thinking Kylo would save her. And he does. So she wasn’t even wrong... Rey fight the very elite guards of the (bootleg emperor palpatine) Supreme Leader Snoke. Reminder, TFA and TLJ are like 3-4 days apart. She had zero training within these days. Luke refused to train her so don’t start that bullshit. Luke trained her for like 5 minutes and none of that training had anything to do with lightsaber dueling. Rey is then told she was a nobody. Now why did Rey cry about this? I truly don’t know. How the hell would Kylo accurately know that Rey’s parents were nobody? Didnt Rey been know this from the force awakens? Eh whatever. She tries to force pull the lightsaber from Kylo Ren and do a dumbass tug a war instead of walking up and grabbing it. It reminds me of JJ and Rian fighting over where the star wars sequels). Anakin must be screaming and yelling from above... or below... idk. The lightsaber then breaks. Rey then saves her friends by showing her once again superior piloting skills that rival or is possibly better then Anakin Skywalker himself. Hitting 3 in one shot? You go girl! She then uses the force to effortlessly move the big ass boulders out of the entrance to save the resistance. Last I remember... Luke struggled to do that with a few way smaller rocks and was also focusing hard to do.

Luke is finally at jedi status! Woohoo! Now Luke first saves Han from Jabba. It shows his very dark side tendencies by choking the guards (like father like son). Luke thinks of a actual plan before going in (CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT). Luke “Chanel Boots” Skywalker goes to Yoda on his death bed. All he wants is answers but Yoda wants to be cryptic as fuck. Luke has been lied to for years by his mentors and his family. Luke’s father isn’t hero Anakin Skywalker but actually a big, asthmatic, merciless, murderous asshole who has a choking kink. Luke then says he cannot kill his own father and Obi-Wan, who believes Vader isn’t a human but a machine, has no faith in Luke. He believes that Luke will fail and the Empire would win. Luke feels the conflict and good in him that nobody else does. He knows that Vader is unloyal to the emperor and he actually cares about his own son. When he is with Han and Leia he realizes he made a mistake and has a bad feeling about it. (*gasp* Luke is not being super reckless). He’s not arrogant (not in anyway) but he’s completely confident that Vader would turn. (He isn’t flawless there is still obvious problem with this plan he has. He fails, the empire wins. He dies, the emperor wins. Vader doesn’t turn, Luke fails. Luke almost succumbs to the dark side and it’s actually plausible he might fully turn. He wants to desperately save his friends and his father has done horrible things to Luke. Luke had every reason to kill Vader. But he doesn’t. He throws the lightsaber away and foolishly puts his life in Vader’s hand. Luke doesn’t save the galaxy because he can make things levitate with the force. He wins because he had the strength to resist the dark side and has so much love and pure good in his heart he saw the good in his father.

Rey starts off with a training session (no idc it’s too fucking late now. 3 movies in? Is she doing reverse character development?) and basically Poe gets mad at Rey for not accompanying them on missions. I still don’t know why she needs training, when she is at a decent strength to fight elite guards, fight kylo ren, and a variety of other things that typically takes a long time to learn. After finding out Palpatine returned, Rey goes on a mission to find the way finder almost like a shitty videogame. I don’t even want to talk about the force dyad anymore because it’s fucking dumb. Rey gets chased by the force order and hear this out, FORCE HEALS (i forgot what the animal was but idrc). Which means Rey had the power to stop the painful truth of death themself. Why am I not surprised? Rey did something that no other jedi nor sith or jedi have ever done this. Anakin went to the dark side to save the ones he love. This movie was just a slap in the face to Anakin. Rey then fights Kylo Ren and lost??? again it seems a little too late and it also didn’t make sense. Rey defeated those guards all by herself with Kylo needed help from her. She’s obviously the better lightsaber duelist but hey, at least JJ was trying to mellow her out a bit. Rey stabs him while our beloved Princess died. She then regrets her decision and as always, doesn’t have any consequence to her actions. By the force I forgot, the whole scene where she is revealed as a Palpatine? Completely invalidates the first two movies but eh whatever. She uses a power that only the elite sith does... something Kylo Ren himself could not do (and he’s on the dark side). Rey “killed” Chewie but actually no she didn’t because Chewie is perfectly fine. Rey is supposed to be all dark and edgy now, “you don’t know me” BS. Yeah I’m sorry I won’t tolerate this because my only allergy is the fish smelling coochie bullshit called the sequel trilogy. Rey got scared of her dark self. Well at least JJ tried? Rey then almost gives up but Luke was like “nah fam you cant”. Rey dies trying to fight Palpatine but then as usual, she gets zero consequence cuz Benny Simp saved her using the force. Then she kissed him... no. No. No. This made my eyes burn like they just threw bleach in my eyes. It made no sense. “A Kiss of Gratitude”? What the shit was that? GIRLS DO NOT INSPIRE TO BE REY.

[panharmonium]

Merlin and Naruto

I did Merlin here, so here’s Naruto! :D

[disclaimer for everyone: I have only watched up through Season 10 of Shippuden (the arc with the Five Kage Summit), and I am trying to avoid spoilers for everything after that point, so please don’t interact with this (including tags, because tumblr shows them to me automatically) unless you are avoiding ALL spoilers.  For me, this includes discussion about whether you like/dislike future seasons, comparisons of various seasons in terms of quality, etc.  Thanks, everyone! <3]

My favorite parent-child relationship: I know they’re not blood-related, but Iruka and Naruto have me crying every time I see them together.  Naruto straight-up says that when he’s with Iruka he feels like he knows what it’s like to have a father, and honestly, Iruka loves Naruto so much at this point that he would insta-adopt him if Naruto asked.  I love how Naruto always cites Iruka as the first person who cared for him even later in the show when Iruka hasn’t had as much screentime, and when I saw Iruka cry because he’s so proud of Naruto at the end of the Pain arc, it was just...too much for my little heart to handle.

My favorite sibling relationship: You know, thinking about it, almost all of the people in Naruto are only children, as far as we know!  But in terms of just that sibling vibe - Sakura and Naruto definitely give me that feel.  I know he has a crush on her, but their relationship has always felt more sibling-like to me, and I especially love how deep their bond has become by the time we get to Shippuden.  They are just so comfortable with each other now - the depth of the love and friendship they feel for each other is palpable.  

My favorite family relationship (other): I adore Naruto’s relationship with Jiraiya.  That scene where Naruto falls asleep against his back almost killed me, and Jiraiya’s later line, “Your smile is my salvation” - that was too much.  It absolutely destroyed me.  The way Jiraiya kind of gave up on everything after his old life went to hell - neverending wars, Orochimaru gone, his original students dead, his student’s students dead, Minato dead - he just ran away after that, and it was meeting Naruto that kind of rekindled that spark of hope in him and helped him reconnect with his community and rediscover a sense of purpose in his life.  Naruto enabled him to finally come home, and I think that’s beautiful.

My favorite friendship between two people: There are so many friendships in Naruto that I love (one of the greatest things about this show for me has been how little focus is given to romantic relationships, at least so far; it’s very much a friendship-oriented show), but right now I’m in a bit of a Kakashi-Yamato hole.  I was super primed to not like Yamato when he first showed up, because him being there meant that my favorite character WASN’T there, and also he ended up replacing Kakashi on the one mission where the team finally found Sasuke, but the guy won me over in the end.  He is one of my favorite characters now - my heart just swells every time I see him - and I think his relationship with Kakashi is super interesting.  I’ve written before about how Kakashi’s only truly intimate friendships are with people who are dead, and I do think that applies when it comes to Yamato, too, even though the two of them are obviously very companionable and close.  There is still a level to that relationship where Kakashi is a bit of a mentor figure, the “superior officer,” which results in a degree of (still friendly and affectionate) distance.  And as with all of his other relationships, Kakashi doesn’t really confide in Yamato about his life or open up to him in the same way that he does when he talks to his dead friends - but at the same time, there is an element to their relationship that doesn’t exist in Kakashi’s other friendships, and it’s the fact that Kakashi trusts Yamato with his kids, implicitly and without reservation.  Kakashi’s entire life right now is very much enmeshed in what happens to his students, and even if he doesn’t necessarily talk about that with Yamato, Yamato is still deeply involved in that work.  Yamato VOLUNTEERED for that work.  And he continues to dedicate himself to it even when his first mission as Kakashi’s stand-in ends up going completely off the rails and turning into WAY more than he signed up for.  He keeps doing his utmost for Kakashi’s kids without it even being his original responsibility, and that is such an unusual thing, for Kakashi, who in every other circumstance is always the one stepping in to help other people, the one who always shoulders his burdens alone.  Nobody ever asks Kakashi if he needs help with these incredibly high-needs children, and neither does Yamato - but the difference is that Yamato jumps in to help regardless, and he stays no matter how complicated things get.  That’s huge, and it’s only going to become more important.  It’s just - it is difficult for Kakashi to have intimate friendships with people who don’t share his history, and this rules out almost everybody else in the world, because all the people who truly share his own history are dead.  But the degree to which Yamato has altruistically and irreversibly entwined himself into the most important parts of Kakashi’s new history - the chapters being written right now, the ones that are going to define the rest of Kakashi’s life - means that Yamato is well on his way to breaking through that wall and becoming the first exception to a universal rule. [There is a lot to be said on Kakashi’s side of this, too, like - every time Kakashi refuses to call Yamato by his code name I lose my mind just a little bit, and I have MANY thoughts about Kakashi basically dragging folks who’ve been victimized or exploited or experimented on out of ANBU and then absorbing them into his own team, where they become a part of a family-type unit that respects them and cares about them and treats them like human beings.  I mean, there’s a huge difference between the Yamato we meet in S2 vs. the Yamato we know in S10 (and the same thing goes for Sai!) - and that’s something I think about a lot.]

My favorite friendship between a group:  I love all of the team dynamics, but Team Gai is a fave XD  The absurd contrast between oh-so-serious Neji vs. Gai/Lee’s incredible goofiness (with Tenten’s exasperation in between) is comedy gold.  I screamed with laughter in S1 when Gai was trying to get Neji to put his hand in the circle and do their “shout a slogan like a sports team” thing - I’ve never seen anything funnier on this show than jonin!Neji trying to put up with Gai’s antics.  

My favorite mentorship: My favorite mentorship is always Kakashi and whichever kid happens be onscreen with him at that moment, but I’ll be honest and say that Kakashi+Sasuke was the first dynamic that got me actually invested in this show (as opposed to me just watching it because it was on and not really caring what happened to any of the characters).  They are still the mentorship dynamic about which I have the most complex feelings, and that is especially true after the last season we watched.  I will probably end up making a separate post about this, because I still have not written down all of my thoughts about the end of Season 10 and I am still trapped in my feelings about this very lost child and the only adult who ever tried to help him the way he deserved to be helped, and I know I have way more to say about them than I can reasonably fit in this bullet point.  But - the short version is that I am super compelled by the way that every tragedy that’s befallen Kakashi is precisely what shapes him into the only adult who can help this particular kid, the way seemingly senseless events ended up putting Kakashi in a position where he’s the only adult who can intervene on this kid’s behalf many, many years later.  The way Sasuke’s plight (and the potential that Kakashi has to help him) suddenly grants meaning to the worst parts of Kakashi’s life - that knocks me on my butt.  

My favorite rivalry: So I probably would not have said this until the episode where Kakashi comes three seconds away from being made Hokage, but I’m gonna say Gai & Kakashi, solely to express my love and appreciation for Gai in that episode.  This is the ep where Gai challenges Kakashi to a race through the entire village (as a sort of “last hurrah before we can’t do this kind of silly shit anymore” thing) and Kakashi is initially kind of reluctant to do it, because he’s stressed out about a lot of things, but he does end up agreeing to it, and then he has SO much fun, and I LOVED this so much; I can’t even tell you.  This moment takes place immediately after Kakashi returns from that horrible, awful confrontation with Sasuke, and everything preceding this scene was very hard for me to see, because everybody is just asking Kakashi to do more and more and more for them without giving him even a hot minute to be like “i almost just killed my own kid.  i almost just had to kill my own kid, who was trying to kill my other kid, who was trying to kill kid #1 first, so i wouldn’t have assume the burden of killing him myself.”  Nobody checks on him, nobody asks, and Kakashi has to just hold onto that horror and also fret over the uncertain yet chilling secrets that Madara Uchiha disclosed and also prepare to shoulder the crushing weight of an office he never asked for - AND THEN.  GAI SHOWS UP.  And even though Gai doesn’t really know what happened, he still checks Kakashi over from top to bottom to make sure he’s in one piece, and then he drags him into this stupid competition, and it makes Kakashi LAUGH.  They go running all out across the craterized scene of devastation that used to be their home, and they have FUN doing it, and Kakashi straight-up tells Gai, “This was just what I needed,” which - god.  It would be great if Kakashi had somebody he could actually talk to, sure, but there’s also a space in our lives for people who just cheer us up, no questions asked.  It’s like when you tell someone you have a problem and they ask, “Do you want to talk about it or do you want to be distracted?”  Sometimes you don’t need to talk about it.  Sometimes you just need people who will take you for a goofy footrace and make you feel like you’re running too fast for any of your troubles to ever touch you again, for a few minutes. 

My favorite hatred/antipathy: The answer to this question used to be Kakashi and Itachi, and while I’m even MORE fascinated by their dynamic now than ever, it’s taken on a whole new dimension, given that I think Itachi is (secretly) thrilled to see someone like Kakashi so committed to taking him down and keeping Sasuke safe.  So, in place of that, I’ll just say that I love how much all of the Akatsuki cannot stand each other XD  Almost none of them get along, and it makes me laugh every time - I can’t believe they ever get anything done, though I guess that’s to be expected when you get that many super-criminals together in a room.  I especially love how they all think Orochimaru is so stupid...cannot get over them laughing at him and his body-snatching immortality schemes.

My favorite potential relationship between characters who never talk in canon: Okay, these are both silly answers, but - I would have KILLED to see Jiraiya interacting with Minato’s team.  Like, I’m certain they spent time together, but honestly, what I wouldn’t give to have witnessed some of it.  All I could think about during that mini-arc where Jiraiya teaches Naruto how to sync up with Gamariki was how little!Kakashi would have taken one look at the dancing frogs and decided he would be using dog!summons for the rest of his life; meanwhile Obito would have already been in the frog’s mouth begging to be launched into the air like a cannonball.  Also - my sister said the other night how it is a CRIME that we never got to see Sasuke forced to interact with Jiraiya and honestly, that is too true.

[ladyloveandjustice]

Shadow of the Batgirl: A review type thing

I just read the graphic novel Shadow of the Batgirl by Sarah Kuhn and Nicole Goux, which reimagines the superhero origin of Cassandra Cain.

It was overall good and EXTREMELY cute! If you want an awesome story about a teenage assassin running away from her shitty dad and finding a neat library, a community of cool ladies and the hero within herself, AND WHY WOULDN’T YOU WANT THAT, definitely get this! 

It’s a standalone Batgirl story completely accessible to all and with none of the weird baggage and the complicated continuity of the regular Batman universe! it’s appropriate for younger teens but still a good read for adults, the art’s colorful and great, it’s packed to the brim with joy and hope.

And on top of all that, it gives a great character who’s been traditionally horribly neglected by mainstream comics for some reason (*cough its because she’s not white cough*) a spotlight and a chance to shine (and get written by an Asian American author for once!)! This also features one of my other faves, who had her disability and adult identity erased in the main universe, but not in this comic, hurray!

SO YEAH, if you like superheroes at all, highly recommend this!

NOW for a more detailed review, calling on all my expertise as a Cassandra Cain superfan and going into pros and cons. This’ll be long, but I’ll do it as a list to break it down.

Let’s start with the good stuff, there’s a lot of it:

- This story takes place in world where Barbara Gordon as Oracle (and former Batgirl) and Cassandra Cain as Batgirl exist, but Batman and The Killing Joke do not appear to. That is honestly transcendentally great to finally see this as an officially realized concept, Batgirl allowed to stand on its own as a legacy of powerful women, with all history of these characters being victimized for the sake of manpain erased. I am elated.

-The art was adorable, the designs were great, the clothes and Cass’s costumes were super cute, the setting was vibrant.

-Jackie was a really fun character and mentor figure for Cass. Loved her snark and how she and Babs basically become Cass’s two Moms and an awesome team in their own right. The relationships in this were just heartwarming. Loved the range of characters in general.

-Cass basically lived in a library aka my life dream. I mean, she did it because she was homeless and on the run from her assassin father, but like.

-Cassandra FINALLY knows her own race, (she’s half-Chinese) and gets to have a goddamn connection and basic feelings about it (Jackie bringing up what the bat means to Chinese culture), etc, god it should not have taken this long for this to happen.

(And it’s really important to have a version of Cass’s story where, y’know, the positive inspirational figures in her life include other Asian people, they aren’t just white people. it wasn’t until I read this it fully dawned on me how screwed up it is she never had that before.)

-For the first time in her entire existence, Cassandra Cain got to be in a canon romance that wasn’t fucking awful, can you believe it. Her love interest Erik was adorable, and him being a budding romance writer was an especially sweet touch- and I think there’s an implication/hint his dad’s the Bronze Tiger? Which is really cute Easter Egg for Cass fans, considering she had a strong friendship with the dude in her original series!

-The idea of Cass liking to draw and expressing herself through art is really fun and fitting. Her being visually focused, it makes a lot of sense.

-Cass extending her body language ability to sort of being able to guess at people’s underlying emotional problems from how they carry themselves is a really neat idea- it could have been implemented a little more smoothly but I like the concept.

-Cass going after the “evil-doers” in the library after becoming a hero was one of the best things I’ve ever seen. Deserves to be framed. I love what a huge nerd Cass got to be in this.

-The comic understood that core of Cass’s character is compassion and empathy, that how she reaches out for people, refuses to harm, and really believes in people and embodies change, rebirth, hope. THAT’S IT, THAT’S MY GIRL, THAT’S MY HERO..

-I’ve read a ton of comics with Barbara Gordon and this is the first one I’ve come across where she discussed her relationship with her mother having any sort of influence on her interests and personality, she isn’t even the main character of this and her mother matters more in it than every other comic I’ve read with her combined how sad is that

-I liked Babs just casually making gadgets and stuff all the time, and loved that she expressed she honestly preferred doing this and that was why she was giving Batgirl to Cass. MADE ME WANT TO SCREAM FUCK YOU DC ALL OVER AGAIN.

-Compared to the original Cass Batgirl comics, this story is obviously more accessible as a standalone, but it’s also just overall more appropriate for a wider range of ages since the darker elements of Cass’s story are way toned down. I was a young teenager when I read Cass’s series and was fine, but there are young teenagers that DON’T want like, graphic onscreen deaths in their comics, so it’s good there’s a lighter Cass story for them. It was just a really sweet, affirming story.

Now for some cons, none of them damning:

The romance was cute, but wish it’d had room to breathe. Ideally, it didn’t need to be happening alongside Cass’s origin, I think it would have been better if it was just hinted at and then was allowed to fully play out as an after-she-became-Batgirl thing, but I can get that Kuhn didn’t know if this would get a sequel and there were probably a lot of good reasons she wanted to include it.

-I think this came from Kuhn being used to writing as a YA author rather than doing comics, but it was weird to read a Cass comic with so much narration and the way it was used really detracted from the potential power of the story. We’re told through Cass’s super chatty narration she’s not a normal teen, she TELLS US that she barely knows how to read and speak and TELLS US she’s better at reading body language-but we never get a sense of this, not even at the beginning, because the story doesn’t trust the reader to take in the visuals without narration, and then she’s able to talk like a normal teen pretty much right off the bat.

 I’m okay with Cass becoming a chatty girl, and her voice in this comic was fun- I know “silent Asian” has a lot baggage and Cass’s original character leaned into some stereotypes- but the first chapter/part would been far more powerful if it had her world be a little more silent and fully emphasized the visual, for her interactions with people and words be garbled and confusing, and if it gave us more of a sense of the world she comes from and how her perception of things differs from the average person. Cass’s original debut and the beginning of her original series did a really good job giving us a sense of this, and took great advantage of comics as a visual medium, and I missed that.

-Cass learns to read and talk SUPER EASILY and it just comes off as unbelievable. I do like the idea of her camping at a library, eavesdropping, and teaching herself, but I would have liked to see her actually struggle like a person would. Moreover, while I know the presentation of it was very flawed, Cass basically had a learning/language disability in the original series. I was kind of hoping this comic would lean into that, and actually give a more realistic and nuanced representation of that kind of disability (it could have been presented as something she always had that was exacerbated by how she was raised, not caused by it!).

 Honestly, I think her romance with Erik would have been far more interesting and meaningful and tied in better if she’d actually struggled to read, maybe even discovered she was dyslexic and couldn’t quite read the same way he could. That could have been a source of development between them.

-David Cain’s a super flat as a character in this comic, he doesn’t have much presence, menacing or otherwise, and Cass’s complicated feelings and relationship with him is not nearly as painful as they were in her original series.This is partly because there wasn’t a lot of a space for it though, and that’s fine.

-Overall, the main thing that hurts the story is that we don’t see all that much of what Cass’s life was like as an assassin, and her life with David Cain was like. It’s harder to invest in Cass’s transformation into a hero when we don’t really have a sense of who she was before,it’s hard to appreciate her breaking free when we can’t get a sense of what kind of cage she was even in. How much language DID she know? How much of the world was she exposed to? What was she really deprived of? I hope if there’s a sequel we can see more of this.

-Babs isn’t the main character of course, so this isn’t a real complaint, but I did miss her cynical and angry edge. She’s pretty much just a chipper nerd with no sign of her own baggage in this, and it makes her relationship with Cass less interesting. It’s implied that her “accident” did affect her and she just managed to work through a lot of it before she met Cass, but I missed the element of their relationship where they both were hurting from losing  “the world they knew” and working through it together, sometimes clashing, etc.

-I read one of Sarah Kuhn’s YA novels in anticipation of this, and while I’m relieved this is better about it than her first book was (I expected it to be, writers improve, I definitely know how messy a first book is) there’s still some cringe-y ideas of how “average” teens talk creeping in, occasional clunky pacing etc.

But all in all? It was a really nice little story that did a lot of cool things, and I really want a sequel and want more of this version of Cass and her universe. As someone who was driven away from DC comics in part because of how badly they treated Cass, Oracle and the Batgirl legacy. it’s really like a salve on old wounds.

[verratensduo]

Why attack on titan will have no hero

After some discussion with @marley-warriors-of-demon-blood, I have decided to finally make my meta on this past chapter’s use of the “heroic” Helos. Let me first say I admire the optimism of those who honestly think that it means we will get a true hero. You have far more optimism than I do.  I go towards a darker take on the line about Helos, simply because of the facts of this world of Attack on Titan. Let it be known unlike most meta writers I don’t claim any impartiality, I am incredibly biased and giving my personal interpretation of the story, I am not her to be popular, just analyze from my perspective. Understand I use the literary terms in sense of hero, villain, anti-hero, and anti-villain as opposed to fandom definition. I won’t lie to you on my take with this, or change it to be more popular, or tell you want you want to hear. I also refuse to change my views to be popular. I will explain this in four parts, one talking on what we learned from willy, one speaking on implications for this world, one speaking of the heroes, and one speaking of the one who could have taken the title of “big bad”, aka THE villain of the story.

Let’s start with this Helos character. A figure in Marlyean history. He slayed “the devil” of humanity. He represented the victors of the eldian civil war, Marley. He is a hero that saved the entire human race from the evil genocidal Eldian empire. At least, that is what they tell us at first. Make it seem that Marley history is right and therefore they are somehow justified in their horrific crimes against humanity when it pertains to Eldians.

However, this isn’t true. Willy Tybur’s discussion with McGath proves that. He tells McGath that Helos is fake, an empty symbol, as empty as the existence of the Marley super state. There was no hero, at all. Helos doesn’t exist. He is an empty idea of Marlean supremacy over Eldians on the mainland. Though it gets even more pathetic than that.

During his speech on that stage, Willy revealed Helos was simply a figure created by King Karl Fritz and Tybur family to further make the Eldian civil war a loss for both sides. It was a cruel game of pure evil on their part, giving Marley a false idol as well as a protagonist to a story where there was no hero, and no villain. Unless you like me, see Karl Fritz as a villain, but that is a personal opinion.

This suggests that the ideal of a hero is simply that, an ideal. In the world our characters find themselves, you don’t get a choice. You don’t get to be the hero or the villain, you are either a pawn, or someone with power who abuses you for their own sick amusement. This alone leads me to believe that there is no hero of this story.

A story where the group that would serve as our primary villain, the Marley government has zero participation aside from ordering attacks against Paradise, it only makes sense we wouldn’t get a traditional hero. There is no way to overcome this in a heroic way. The heroic actions simply aren’t possible. Choices are limited as it is, there is no hope for the characters to get the chance to be a hero. They are either die before they get their chance, or they live long enough to commit horrific acts for the cause they deem to be noble.

However, this doesn’t mean they have to be villains. In fact aside from Marley’s government, the original Paradise government, and the terrorist organization known as the Restorationists I really don’t see any classic villains, and none of these groups have direct things they do within the main story, only things that happen off screen or in flashbacks. Once again, the villains I listed are my personal bias, not any canon confirmation.

Now in this story we had two primary candidates to be the big hero who saves the day. Those being Eren Yeager and Reiner Braun. However, we all know they have done far too many horrible things to ever be truly considered heroes. Instead, Isyama decided to do something interesting, in a cast of anti-heroes, he has focused on these two anti-heroes in particular. With good reason, they have massive followings and are arguably the ones that generate the most controversy. Not only that, they serve as the perfect archnemisis for one another.

Let’s start with Reiner. Starting off as a seeming mentor figure for Eren, you already are inclined to like him. The boom, he is the armored titan and his main goal is to for reasons unknown kidnap Eren and return to his home town. He has murdered hundreds of thousands of innocent lives in that name, even personally leading the murder of Marco after stupidly talking about his plans in broad daylight.

Oh but wait, back in Marley he is the oppressed class in a Nazi nation. He is kind and caring to kids, and feels genuine remorse for what he did to Paradisians. However, he has decided that in the name of peace and his family, that his only option is to keep serving this government and work with his seemingly genocidal war chief on his plans for totally annihilation of Paradise. Oh Reiner, if only you knew that Zeke was even worse than Marley.

Now let’s talk about Eren. He starts off as our heroic protagonist, always fighting for the little guy. Suffering at the hands of his friends who betray him, and his own government who wants him tortured and dead. Fighting against all odds for even the hope of freedom for his people. Oh, and to make things worse, suddenly there is this aggressive nation across the sea and a world that wants to commit a genocide on their island. Oh, and then your government decides you’re a weapon, you’re friend is a breeding animal, and that they want to be colonized that is nice.

Then boom, heel turn so to speak. He attacks Librerio killing hundreds of innocents and forcing the SC, who has been content to let the government do their stupid things to get involved. He is jailed, and then rebels against the military dictatorship and against his friends and tears into his two best friends and throws them in prison. He is “the bad guy now”.

Now Reiner wants to be a hero and Eren wants freedom for himself and his people. Both arguably noble goals, but do they ever do fucked up shit to achieve them. Now given the situation I understand entirely, at least those two aren’t forcing this conflict on their kids, unlike a certain terrorist group and two particular characters who shall not be named but we all know who they are. Interesting enough to say the least.

Now onto the man who had potential to be either an anti-hero or the main villain. That is right, Zeke Yeager is here at last. He could have made an interesting anti-hero, trying to kidnap his little brother from the evil Paradise and bring him to be a good little eldian in Marley. Or he could have been a Joker esque villain to the Marley cast and have snapped in Marley and forced the warriors to bring down their beloved pure evil war chief. Now Isyama had plans for neither much to his credit.

Zeke’s goal is pretty simple, euthanize his people and let Paradise activate the rumbling to wipe them out.. Oh yay good for him. His goal is something he deems noble, but boy would anyone with half of a brain see it as fucked up.

Now from his perspective as a traumatized child mixed with his psychopathic love of killing people and enjoying doing it, even seeing it as “freeing them”, it makes perfect sense and makes him a benevolent hero. In reality, it couldn’t be more fucked up.

This is what puts him in a different class than most of the cast. He meets a text book definition for anti-villain. Without him to be able to serve as a true “big bad”, there is no need for a Helos like character to even appear. It is far to late at this point. No one matches that bill.

Now in all fairness, I think if we got a Helos like character at this point it would be a disservice to the story. It would ruin the morality challenging themes, and it would ruin his goal for a more non-traditional approach to telling his story.

The need for the cast to remain the same as it is now couldn’t be more clear. There will be no traditional hero in Attack on Titan, because the world it is in, is a world in which there can be no heroes, the situation prevents it.

Now remember, this is my biased opinion and take oin the story. I am not claiming any of this to be canon.

[clairen45]

Digging into Rey and Kylo’s Spotify Playlists- part 1: episode 7 songs

The Shut Up and Dance with Me post really pushed me to go through the songs from the Spotify playlists and give you the lowdown, as I see it. That these lists even exist is beyond me! And, just to be clear, these lists have been released in 2015 pre-TFA. With no modification, even pre or post TLJ. No added material. If anything, they actually removed some songs from the lists: 2 for Kylo and 3 for Rey. I don’t think the changes necessarily meant that the songs were too revealing or, on the contrary, didn’t fit the characters anymore. It might just be copyright or legal issue or some artistic differences or god knows what. But again, the point of these lists were to get to know the characters a little better. Some characters we already knew of course, the big three ( Luke, Leia, Han Solo), but also Obi-Wan and Yoda, a list for Anakin and a list for Vader, Padmé, Mace Windu, Bobba Fett, Chewbacca... Lists for new characters: Finn, BB8... surprisingly no Poe Dameron. By the way, I think the Dark Side’ list is super interesting! And of course Rey and Kylo. Rey’s list is full of pop, girl empowerment anthem kind of songs, with a few romantic ballads, which already meant something. Kylo’s is of course full of angsty rock. I don’t want to comment on the genre. My mission was less on the musical genres than on the lyrics and how they can shed some light on the characters and their fates. Because, sure, a team chose these songs to let us know about the characters but, honestly, guys, I think somebody let them in on the rough draft of the whole ST. Because post TLJ it is obvious that a lot of songs apply to what happened as far as Rey and Kylo are concerned in this movie. And since we have our bunch of ep 7 songs, and a bunch of ep 8 songs, well, it appears a bunch of songs don’t fit either and could very well give us key information about ep 9. Before I get accused again of “reaching” (LOL), let us be honest: I think they put a lot of care into those playlists. So no, I don’t think coincidences are accidental. And yes, I think it’s fair to speculate about episode 9 looking at the songs. So let’s take the journey and crack these songs together.

There are 53 songs for Kylo (I am excluding the original soundtrack every time) and 54 for Rey. Rey’s playlist also has tunes in common with Padmé, Leia, and Luke. 4 songs in common with Padmé, quite a lot: Smoke and Fire, Rich Girl, Fighter, and Bulletproof. With Leia: Smoke and Fire, and the fact that they both have Love is a Battlefield, except that Leia is Pat Benatar’s song, and Rey’s is Jordin Spark’s song. Same title, different songs. This marks Rey as the “heiress” to these two heroines, which is not surprising. I think it is quite remarkable that she shares so many songs with Padmé, as regards the Anidala inversion we always talk about. Rich Girl, in particular, because Padmé was a Queen, so yes, the rich girl, whereas in Rey’s case the song is ironic. Rey also shares 2 song with Luke: Wild by Troye Sivan (I honestly don’t get what this song does on Luke’s playlist, so that must mean something potentially), and Adventure of a Lifetime. With Luke as a mentor to Rey in ep 8, that would kind of make sense that they would share something. I honestly merely skimmed through all the playlists, but Rey and Kylo seem to be the only one who share  songs with other characters (if I am wrong, please correct me). Kylo shares 3 songs, 1 with Anakin (and NOT Vader), Bored to Death, 1 with BB8, Destroy the Map, and one with Mace Windu on You want a Battle (Here’s War). Interesting also. I won’t necessarily comment on that today, because there is a lot to go through, but these are thoughts to save and process later maybe.

Some songs can also fit two, maybe the three, episodes. And also, I have noticed something very interesting in Rey’s playlist: a lot of songs that feature in her playlist seem to be more from Kylo’s POV (like Shut up and Dance). They should normally feature on his list but because they would break away from the others in terms of genre, it is probably how they ended on Rey’s list. I found on Kylo’s playlist 1 song that, to me, should rather feature on Rey’s list, but again, would seem odd in terms of genre.

1.KYLO’S LIST/ EPISODE 7

Kylo’s list also seems way more descriptive about his character, angst, inner conflict, feelings of pain and revenge, than Rey’s list. There is a lot of songs talking about past abuse and family conflict. Sweet Dreams by Marilyn Manson is a good example: “ Some of them want to use you/ Some of them want to get used by you/ Some of them want to abuse you/ Some of them want to be abused”. References to dreams and nightmares in Kylo’s playlist are also quite noteworthy because they tie in with Rey’s visions as described in TFA: she hears voices in her dreams, and when she first sees Kylo, she knows that she has seen him before “in a dream, in a nightmare”. We can also find some parallels with the plot in episode 7: the Jakku massacre, meeting Rey, killing Han... Recurring themes are, without surprise, fire, death, suffering, dreams and nightmares...

This Means War (Avenged Sevendold). That song is packed with so much about his feelings and his introduction in the ST. It goes on and on really. I could quote the whole thing. But here are the highlights :

Hide my face again, harbor in the shadows (duh!) Feel this weight of sin hammering away Die, with the guilt of a thousand AWOL soldiers (The pull to the light) Die, watch the scythe usher me astray (Lor San Tekka’s execution)

The ugly side of me is strong

Carry me to nowhere  (Jakku is nowhere!) Lie!Mask the pain Of a child who's forsaken Lie! To myself Praise the new regime (honestly, did they write the song for Kylo?)

I left me long ago Reasons you'll never know No one to miss me when I'm gone With no more words to say No argument to stay. Another post I don't belong (Lor San Tekka: The First Order rose from the dark side. You did not)

No home to call my own No finding someone new No one to break the fall No one to see me through No name to carry on No promise for today No one to hear the call (Oh hon, hang on, the girl is coming!) Buy into the fear (Rey: You are afraid!) My serpent blood can strike so cold (Murderous snake! again) Another thought I can't control (Force bond much?)

Elements of TFA Plot:

Legion of Evil (OFF): “Break down houses”, “ Mystery crews on a murderous spree” (the opening on Jakku, with his mysterious identity) but also “Retaliation against horrible gods/Treasonous snakes with gentlemen's lies/ Waving a false flag to sell the deception” which of course are reminiscent of his line to Rey about the Resistance: “ You mean the murderers traitors and thieves you call your friends ? “. But can also ironically evoke Snoke’s influence on him: he is the treasonous snake with gentlemen’s lies. Or even to him as seen from Rey’s POV in 7 and at the beginning of TLJ: “a treasonous snake”/ “murderous snake”/ “liar”...

The Red (Chevelle) and Evil Eye (Franz Ferdinand), both emphasize the color red, which is Kylo’s color theme.Thunder and Lightning (Motorhead”, “ Maybe you'll die, maybe you'll fly/ Fire in the sky, thunder and lightning”.  Heart of Fire (Black Veil Brides): “ I feel alive inside I won't be terrorized, I'll take all the blame/This heart of fire is burning proud/ I am every dream you lost and never found/ This heart of fire is stronger now”. Also the attack on Jakku.

The Map plot: R2 where are U (Flying Lotus): it takes both BB8 and R2 to find Luke’s hideout. This song is also on BB8′s list by the way. Destroy the Map  (36 Crazy Fists). Obviously the title is interesting because Kylo gives up on the map and gets Rey instead. The song presents some other interesting points: something that could evoke Starkiller base “ And the clouds don't break when the sun is on empty” , and also something that seems to fit straight into TLJ: “You couldn't hold your mouth to stop the sound/ With all these riches on the tip of your tongue/And I was trying to dampen it all out/You were talking louder than I should here/Producing nothing but all these mirrors”, “ Where the baptized drown/We used to breathe” (Rey in the cave) “This time, our time, we have, we'll last”. So gain some songs can actually fit more than 1 episode.

Failing on Starkiller: beaten up by Rey, never got the intel about Luke... At least I’m known for something (New Found Glory): “ I've figured out my situation/ I am an endless source of useless information/ Give me bad news could be something expecting/ I let my front down/ And I know I will regret it/ /But you don't know that and I'm the one to blame for it/'Cause I'm destined for failure“. More Starkiller: My own Summer (Deftones): “ Hey you, big star/ Tell me when it's over”.

Family and Han:

Refusing his legacy. War on the Palaces (Refused):

I carry history with me I carry hope   (I see you Ben You are My Only Hope Solo!!!!) All the nameless faces before us Let's carry them all

I wanna carry the dead (his attachment for Vader instead of the living members of his family) Wage war on the palaces

Bored to Death (Blink 182): “ And it's a long way back from seventeen/The whispers turn into a scream/And I'm, I'm not coming home/Save your breath, I'm nearly/ Bored to death”. Mene (Brand New): “ My father spoke of prophecy/ To think that I believed is self-centered of me/There was something I was trying to say/ But then I choked on it and now it's getting kind of late” (@madandmisquoted did a meta on how Kylo mumbles “I love you dad”+ “It is too late”). Indestructible (Rancid): “ It's so fake now, everything I see right through/I'm ashamed now to say I ever know you” evoke his scene with Han. I don’t wanna Hear It (Minor Threat): “ I don't want to hear it/ I'm sick and tired of all your lies/ I don't want to hear it/ When are you gonna realize.”. Family and mommy issues: Down With the Sickness (Disturbed): “ It seems what's left of my human side/ Is slowly changing in me”, “ It seems you're having some trouble/ In dealing with these changes/ Living with these changes / The world is a scary place/ Now that you've woken up the demon in me”, “ No mommy, don't do it again/Don't do it again/ I'll be a good boy/I'll be a good boy, I promise No mommy don't hit me/ Why did you have to hit me like that, mommy?”. 

Conflict

Got the Life (Korn): “Hate, something, someway, each day, dealing with no forgiveness/ Why? This shit inside/ Now everyone will follow/ So give me nothing just feel/ And now this shit will follow/ God begs me, the more I see the light, who wants to see?”. Strife (Trivium): “ I reach for calm/ I starve for a balance unknown/ This burden tortures me deep in my soul” ; “ Guilt buries me alive/ In a coffin criticized/ I shouldered the blame and dug this hole for me to lay in”. Duality (Slipknot). The title says it all, but it definitely applies to the scene with Han: “ You cannot kill what you did not create”;  “Pull me back together/ Or separate the skin from the bone/ Leave me all the pieces, and then you can leave me alone” (Can apply to “I’m feeling torn apart”, “I killed your son, he was foolish and weak” ).

The Girl

I know that’s what you’ve been waiting for. There are 2 major songs about Rey in that list and one them has been removed, A Cross and a Girl Named Bless (Evans Blue). That song presents some elements that stretch all the way to 9. I’m including it here, because of the obvious reference to the way they meet on Takodana:

She's holding out for weapons to kill the ghosts inside (She shoots at a ghostlike figure in the forest)

Or at least kill the thoughts she has of killing her mind (Get out of my head!)

She says "I love you" with her hands (TLJ: Smut Hut)

She says "I hate you" with her eyes (You have that look from the forest..)

There's a pretty girl somewhere with a pretty name (What girl?)

But I could never let you know how much this means I swear we'll end this war, because we both know

It wasn't worth fighting for  (Major episode IX spoiler)

She, she said to me I will be driving in the wrong direction Did you ever think that maybe your life

Is heading in the wrong direction, baby? (Throne Room Scene)

There's a cross up on the wall See from the corner of your eye When you're down on you knees...and she's begging please So go and lay back down tonight Because you won't know who you are

Until you're down on your knees...your begging please (End of TLJ, Crait)

The other big song is The Answer (Savages):

Wish me luck This was a hard year And I can't see No brighter future Wish me luck I saw the answer It was a girl (What girl?) Will you go ask her  (Interrogation scene, the girl is all we need) I saw the answer Will you go ask her Love is the answer

Evil (Interpol): “ Heaven restores you in life/ You're coming with me/ Through the aging, the fearing, the strife/ It's the smiling on the package/ It's the faces in the sand” (the abduction, Rey is literally a face in the sand, the smile...), “You're weightless, semi-erotic/ You need someone to take you there/Sandy, why can't we look the other way?/Why can't we just play the other game?” (he carries her in his arms like a feather, You need a teacher!).

There is also a song there that is all about Rey’s POV on Kylo in TFA. Headstrong (Trapt) screams Rey during the interrogation scene. But, again, they couldn’t have put it on her playlist so it features on his instead.

Circling your head contemplating everything you ever said (getting in HIS head) Now I see the truth I got a doubt  (You... are afraid you will never be as trong as Darth Vader!) A different motive in your eyes and now I'm out (escapes the interrogation room) See you later I see your fantasies You wanna make it a reality baby paved in gold See inside, inside of our heads yeah Well now that's over

Back off I'll take you on (Forest duel) Headstrong to take on anyone (Come on, that is SO Rey!) I know that you are wrong Headstrong we're Headstrong Back off I'll take you on Headstrong to take on anyone I know that you are wrong This is not where you belong (Trying to turn him in 8)

I can't give everything away (I won’t give you anything!) I won't give everything away

2.REY’S PLAYLIST/EPISODE 7

JAKKU

There are songs about Rey’s life conditions on Jakku. Poverty in Rich Girl (Gwen Stefani): “ If I was a rich girl/ See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl/ No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end/ Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl”. Of course the morale of the song is “All the riches in the world don’t mean anything without your love”. To remind us that if Rey has dreams it’s mostly about finding love and belonging. Interesting that she shares this song with Padmé who had the riches + the love and still didn’t get her happy ever after, but more on that later...

New Americana (Halsey) about survival of the fittest, the daily struggle of poverty, social divide. That one is also interesting because of its reference to James Dean: “ Young James Dean, some say/ He looks just like his father”. There is also the big reveal about Kylo being Han’s son.  I  think it’s probably how they first imagined Kylo, as a hypersensitive, rebellious, angsty youth, a character from East of Eden (another reference to Eden). The character played by James Dean, in Elia Kazan’s adaptation of Steinbeck’s famous novel, is Cal, a rebellious son who believes his father does not love him and sees him as evil incarnate. Kylo much?

Daylight (Matt and Kim) can also be about home and Jakku: “I miss yellow lines in my roads/ Some color on monochrone”, ‘Cause the daylight anywhere feels like home”. In TFA she wants to go back to Jakku. Rey is also used to having to fight for her survival: “ Murder lives forever/And so does war/ It's survival of the fittest/ Rich against the poor/ At the end of the day/ It's a human trait/ Hidden deep down inside of our DNA”.

Some songs talk about Rey’s dreams and her feelings of loneliness.Chandelier (Sia): “I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist/ Like it doesn't exist/ I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night,/ Feel my tears as they dry”. How she lives on a day to day basis and feels lonely all the time. Wake Me Up (Avicii):  

Feeling my way through the darkness Guided by a beating heart I can't tell where the journey will end But I know where to start They tell me I'm too young to understand They say I'm caught up in a dream Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes Well that's fine by me (stuck waiting on Jakku)

So wake me up when it's all over When I'm wiser and I'm older All this time I was finding myself And I didn't know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world (Literally her job as a scavenger) But I only have two hands I hope I get the chance to travel the world And I don't have any plans I wish that I could stay forever this young Not afraid to close my eyes Life's a game made for everyone And love is a prize

THE FIGHTER

Of course songs about Rey, the independent girl, the fighter... Fighter (Christina Aguilera): “ 'Cause it makes me that much stronger/ Makes me work a little bit harder/ It makes me that much wiser/ So thanks for making me a fighter/ Made me learn a little bit faster/ Made my skin a little bit thicker/ Makes me that much smarter/ So thanks for making me a fighter”. Another song shared with Padmé. I know the song is about a guy that cheated on the girl and lied to her, but rather than about Kylo, this song can apply to a lot of people in Rey’s life: her parents, Unkar Plutt, and all the people she’s had to deal with since childhood. There is Run the World (Beyoncé) that could also be foreshadowing for episode ix. Kelly Clarkson’s Miss Independent, with the perfect title for Rey’s episode 7, but the message about love in this song actually fits better episode 8. Roar (Katy Perry): empowerment anthem, plus Rey looks like a lioness at the end of TFA, baring her teeth and snarling at Kylo. Possibly Piece of Me (Britney Spears).

Confident (Demi Lovato) fits well with Roar. That one screams end of TFA with beating Kylo down.

It's time for me to take it I'm the boss right now Not gonna fake it Not when you go down 'Cause this is my game And you better come to play

I used to hold my freak back

Now I'm letting go

I make my own choice (accepting the saber)

Bitch, I run this show So leave the lights on No, you can't make me behave

So you say I'm complicated

That I must be outta my mind But you had me underrated Rated, rated

What's wrong with being, what's wrong with being

What's wrong with being confident?

 There is the teaser song about Rey’s origin. That’s Not my Name (The Ting Things). Well, in TFA everybody is asking about her identity, about “the girl”, wo that would make sense to have this song. Rey might not even be her name after all, though she is old enough when her parents sell her to remember it; Does it mean we will l get a new name in ix? Maybe. Or just Rey Solo. I think the song is really there for the fun about the possible identity of Rey...

THE ESCAPE

Songs about Rey leaving Jakku and becoming a pilot. Obviously: Starships (Nicki Minaj) because “starships are meant to fly”. Boom Boom Pow (The BEP): “ I'm on that supersonic boom/ Y'all hear the spaceship zoom”. Alive Tonight (Grace Potter), for these lines: “In the dark of the desert/  I saw a man with a sign, it said/ People get ready, 'cause it's all over/ It's all gonna end tonight, well” ( On Jakku, Lor San Tekka is the man with the intel about Luke promising that “this will begin to make things right”, and eventually this sign gets to Rey through BB8 at dusk in the desert). I also like these lines: “ You wanna get in on the action, you want/ Everyone to listen to you, oh/ You're just living in a prediction/ And that don't, that don't make it true, no” which fits the fact that things will not be as simple as Rey thinks. Also about the end of Rey’s time on Jakku, The Dog Days are Over (Florence+ the Machines): “The dog days are over/The dog days are done/ The horses are coming so you better run”.  These lines are great: “Leave all your love and your longing behind you/ Can't carry it with you if you want to survive”, about giving up on Jakku and close to Maz’s line about “the belonging you seek is not behind you”.

MEETING KYLO

Now, with songs that reflect on meeting Kylo... There is Gibberish (Max): “ But then I caught you creepin'/ Secrets that you were keepin”, which could fit the interrogation scene. Or the title could just refer to the fact that Rey seems to understand every language she meets (BB8, Chewie...). LOL. Obviously, the beautiful Yes Girl (Bea Miller):

I got you figured out, you need to have control You think that I don't know you, I know you, I know Trying to tell you now, I've been doing what you want But I won't be your yes girl, no, not anymore

And these even better lines: “ And now you're my favorite sin, oh/ Cause I'm either on your side or you're a mile away” (which fits TLJ better). There is Focus (Ariana Grande): “ I can tell you're curious/ It's written on your lips/ Ain't no need to hold it back/ Go ahead and talk your shit/ I know you're hoping that I'll react/ I know you're hoping I'm looking back/ But if my real ain't real enough/ Then I don't know what is” (again, mood for the interrogation scene). Also like that line: “ Let's find a light inside our universe now/ Where ain't nobody keep on holding us down”. 

That one seems really more to me from Kylo’s POV when Rey leaves for the MF at the end of TFA. We Come Running (Youngblood Hawke):

Headed for the open door Tell me what you're waiting for (Rey is coded as the waiting one) Look across the great divide   (the ground falling apart between them) Soon they're gonna hear The sound, the sound, the sound (Boom goes Starkiller) When we come running Never go where we belong (obviously, they parted ways when they should be together) Echoes in the dead of dawn  (Force bond foreshadowing echoes?) Soon they're gonna know The sound, the sound, the sound When we come running

And also that one: Force of Nature (Bea Miller). That one really fits Kylo in TFA as he starts falling for Rey during their duel on Starkiller: I don't know why but my hands are shaking I can see you coming and I stand here waiting (Didn’t put up much of a fight, honestly) Yeah I get tongue tied in the conversation (Lost the interrogation scene fight) It's an F'd up, bad, sick situationI tried to tie my heart down, board up all the windows Oh but it's too late now (Too late is classic Kylo) I let you get too close (like inside my head) I know I should take cover, hide inside these four walls But baby I surrender, it all'Cause you're a force of nature (Marry Me Face) Look at what you've done I can taste the danger but I don't wanna run So pull me to the ground and I won't put up a fight (End of the fight) I'm a caution taker, but baby you're a force of nature Baby you're a force of natureI feel your lips move in and they take me under (The Force? Mesmerized in looking at her) You know just what to do, how to make me want you And I know I'll be broken when it's over Oh but I can't help but pull you closerI'll be here 'till we collide I don't care if I survive So crash into me one more time

Say what you want, but this beautiful ballad is all about Kylo’s feelings for Rey!

BONUS: THE INVERSE ANIDALA SONG?

There’s an intriguing tune in Kylo’s playlist. Incorporeal (Tiger Army).

I’m gone I died long ago but my spirit still roams (Incorporeal) Unwanted in heaven, forgotten in hell as on earth (Incorporeal) I don't want to stay here, it seems that I'll never be free Oh can you hear me? (no) And so It has come to be that I must wander forever (Incorporeal) Many things I have seen, empires that rise and then fall (Incorporeal) A life you live long is simply a moment to me A tiny drop of water in the sea of eternity There's no place for me everywhere that I go Only seems to bring upset and harm There's one thing that I want and one thing only Release into the great beyond Don't want to remember when I was alive When I held my true love in my arms For like you I once was, and like me you shall be When you Feel a chill in the night perhaps it's me saying hello (Incorporeal) You're so much like my love though she lived in a long ago time (Incorporeal) I long to see her, the day when my soul's laid to rest The peace that I can not find in life, I can find in death

Honestly, this song makes me want to scream!!! Heavy reincarnation theme. Especially when you cross that with Rey sharing 4 songs with Padmé. And with the fact that Anakin (not Vader) and Kylo share a song. And the song  I mentioned, Rich Girl. Rey is the inverse Padmé already, right? She’s the younger one in the couple, and she is poor with a low status. Again, Padmé has everything (the riches and the guy) and didn’t end up happy. By sharing songs, it might be another hint that Rey will succeed where Padmé didn’t.

This is it for 7, guys. It is quite a beast. 34 songs left to go through in Rey’s playlist, 25 for Kylo.

[sharingshane-blog]

BPD in Doctor Who

Trigger Warnings: Depression, Anxiety, Suicide, Abuse, Self-Harm, Mentions of Physical Assault and Rape

When I was 17, almost a senior in high school, I watched my first episode of Doctor Who.  I started with Christopher Eccleston and worked my way through.  It took me only a couple of episodes before I was hooked. I became obsessed with the series, and many of the characters, particularly the ones from the Russel T. Davies era, because I felt like I could emotionally connect with them.  I understood them.  Rose Tyler really grew on me.  She was supposed to be around my age at the time, and we both lived at our parents’ home feeling overall empty and worthless.  

At that age, my anxiety and depression were particularly bad. Someone who was mentor and major influence in my life had committed suicide.  Not long after, my grandfather whom I would see all the time passed away. I was already wallowing in major levels of grief and loss.  I had also just gotten permission to skip eleventh grade and graduate a year early from high school.  With that, I had to work last minute to get myself together, so I could apply to colleges and universities.  My parents had a history of neglecting my needs frequently and one of the ways they did was helping me prepare for college.  They refused to help me research or check out schools.  They would not take me on visits because it was too much of a “financial burden” on them.  They also refused to teach me how to drive or help me much at all for the next step ahead.  I felt extremely lonely and I felt very abandoned.  My parents have a history of physical and emotional abuse towards me, but I did not come to terms with that until I was in college, eventually developing PTSD.  

Feelings of abandonment and isolation became chronic and debilitating for me.  There were many emotions I would bottle up until I could not take it anymore.  I felt like a geyser.  As the emotions bubbled and heated more, the pressure in the chamber underground increased until there was a burst of boiling hot water—a crisis or outburst of anger.  I had trouble maintaining consistent relationships with people which only added to the loneliness.  People came and went, and I never expected them to stay.  I felt too worthless to think they would care about me.  I had recurrent suicidal ideation.  For a long time, the way I would keep myself alive would to just tell myself every night that I will just kill myself the next day. I refused to go to therapy until well into college.  This had to do in part that I did not know how to express my emotions, and it also had to do in pat because of trauma.  My mom forced me against my will (on my 16th birthday) to see her therapist and basically admit how horrible of a child I have been.  After my grandfather’s death, I did attempt to see a counselor, but it was a religious counselor who told me that I did not need counseling and that I just needed to focus on my faith in God.  It was not until I was 19, well after beginning college, where I decided to actually pursue therapy.  I had many unstable friendships at college.  I was with my abusive ex-boyfriend.  My already unhealthy relationship with my parents became worse.  The tipping point was when I was in the car with my dad one day, and he tried to hit me. I jumped out of the car before he could do anything to me.  He drove off leaving me on the side of the rode in tears.  It was not long after that experience that I filled out the paperwork to start counseling.  I eventually got a therapist outside of the college campus.  After almost attempting suicide, I was hospitalized for a week at a psychiatric facility.  It was there where the psychiatrist inquired me about a condition called borderline personality disorder.

Here are the symptoms or signs of the disorder:

-Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned

-A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

-Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self

-Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating

-Self-harming behavior, such as cutting or burning

-Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats

-Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

-Chronic feelings of emptiness

-Intense anger or problems controlling anger

-Difficulty trusting and possessing a fear of other people’s intentions

-Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself or seeing oneself from outside one’s body

Not everyone with the disorder experiences all these symptoms. The symptoms also come in varying degrees.  No two people with the disorder is completely alike, although they tend to understand each other.  After I received the diagnosis, I felt that my life made a little more sense.  I began to understand myself better.  I have been in treatment for a long time and have made many improvements.  During this whole journey though, I learned something else, one of the reasons why I became so obsessed with Doctor Who.  I mean who doesn’t want to fly away from their boring lives to explore all throughout time and space with a mad man (or woman) with a box?  I have not seen the episodes with Jodie Whittaker so no spoilers! You may cause a paradox and destroy all of reality if you tell me anything.  It’s my future.  It was more than a form of escapism or a way of leaving my miserable life.  I realized that the Doctor’s character really resonates with me on a more personal level.  Now I am specifically referring to the New Who episodes.  I haven’t watched enough of Old Who to make adequate judgments of the character during those episodes.  The Doctor in New Who exemplifies many of the characteristics associated with borderline personality disorder.  I am no psychologist or psychiatrist, but for me, I feel like that this was one of the main reasons I fell in love with the Doctor.  He (or she) is the star of the show, the hero, the person everyone loves aside from say the Daleks, the Cybermen, the Slitheen, the Weeping Angels, the Zygons, the Silurians, and well, okay not everyone.  But in other shows, people with the disorder or exhibits multiple aspects of the disorder are usually portrayed as antagonists and creeps.  

The Doctor continuously goes out of his (or her) way to try and avoid losing people.  It causes him a lot of pain when he loses his closest friends.  Sometimes he will push his closest friends away, even for years at a time, because he’s afraid he’d never see them again. Sometimes he’d isolate himself from making new friends for fear of them falling apart.  We see this with the tenth Doctor at the end of his tenure.  He refused to take on new companions.  He was also reluctant to take on Martha as an official companion after losing Rose. But as you know, things did get “escalated.”  The eleventh Doctor set up Amy and Rory with a house on earth so he could come back to them whenever for hundreds of years because he knew that humans could not live near as long as him and he couldn’t bear to see his closest friends die.  He uploaded River Song as a computer program in the biggest library in the universe so he could always come back to her.  After losing Amy and Rory, he isolated himself from most of others except from a select few refusing to make other friends for fear of the inevitable loss.  Like Martha, he was reluctant at first to take on Clara as a companion.   On the whole though, the Doctor is fairly quick in choosing is companions, almost like Jesus choosing his disciples.  The Doctor becomes close pretty quickly and has people by his side while traveling in the TARDIS (time and relative dimension in space).  However, he is also quick to cut communication in order to “save” his friends or most often himself from impending grief.  He tricked Rose and Clara to have the TARDIS take them home while he faced a life or death scenario.  When Clara came back to the Doctor 300 years later in his future, he admitted that the reason he sent her away was because he would have buried her a long time ago.  It seemed to be more for his sake than hers.  She didn’t want to be sent home, and she was willing to face every danger he faced.  For those who struggle with BPD, the fear of loss and abandonment is quite prominent. Similarly, to the Doctor, I would frequently be quick to make very close friends.  I often idealized them and think they are basically perfect. “And she is perfect,” the Doctor says about Clara Oswald.  “You are the most important woman in the whole universe,” he says to Donna.  At the same time, I was also just as quick to push people away.  I’ve sometimes seemed to ghost people, hide things from them, push them away from my problems, refuse help when I desperately needed it.  I was too afraid I’d hurt them or overwhelm them to the point that I’d lose them.  I become a roller coaster ride to be friends with.  I constantly felt the need to protect people from myself and try to save myself from impending grief which hurts so bad that it makes me sick.  

Like the Doctor, I also felt persistent emptiness and loneliness. I felt like no one really understood me.  Even though I usually had close friends nearby, they also seemed temporary. Give another year and it will be a whole new group of friends.  I am very blessed that I’ve been able to maintain a strong relationship with my best friend for almost five years.  I’ve not had a romantic relationship last even a year.  Alongside the loneliness came emptiness.  For the most part, I felt like my life was pretty meaningless and boring.  I felt like I constantly had to be doing something in order to fill the gap.  The Doctor gets like this too.  When he stuck around in Amy and Rory’s home for a couple of days, he got anxious.  He rarely sticks around for tea after saving the day.  He has to constantly be doing something, or he just feels bored or pointless. This causes anxiety or depression. The tenth doctor, after trapping himself in the 18th century with Madame de Pompedour to save her from impending doom, looked sorrowfully into the night sky because of losing access to his TARDIS.  Like him, I usually can’t handle monotony.  I get anxiety and depression really fast.  

Impulsivity is another common trait between me and the Doctor. This can look different for each person who struggles with BPD.  Many do struggle with alcohol or drug addictions but not all.  I do not, but my impulsivity comes out in other ways.  It actually is similar to how the doctor is impulsive.  I am very quick to putting myself in compromising or dangerous situations. Personally, I cannot actually go into much detail on this issue for my safety and the safety of others around me. As a result of impulsive decisions I’ve made, I have gotten assaulted or raped.  Now these crimes are ultimately not my fault, and do not advocate victim blaming.  People should just have the common decency to know that those things are wrong. Unfortunately, that’s not the world we live in.  I was almost physically assaulted after outing myself as transgender.  I learned quickly the dangers of being trans in society. I’ve stretched myself thin for the sake of others without taking the time to analyze how much I can handle.  The Doctor is very similar in this regard.  Over and over, he’ll walk passed “keep out” signs.  For him, they are like “dry clean only.”  He’s one of those people who usually takes action before thinking.  Although sometimes we find out that he has actually put more thought into something than we, the audience, assumed he had.  Still, a lot of times the plan is to run towards the danger, see what happens, then come up with another plan.  When he hears a scream, he runs towards it.  When a sketchy guy is offering jobs at Hooverville in 1930, he was the first to volunteer.  Despite his intelligence and cleverness to get out of dangerous situations, he usually just as quick into them.  The results have even blown up the entire universe.  

Both the Doctor and I also seem to have struggled with a personal sense of identity.  This also can result in intense mood swings.  Sometimes I have feelings of euphoria, a heightened feeling of myself.  I can be the life of the party or on top of the world. I can become hypomanic (BPD and bipolar disorder often mimic each other).  Other times I am the complete opposite.  I think I’m the most awful, pitiful thing that creation gave birth to. I will self-harm or have suicide ideations.  I’m afraid that I am an abuser just like my parents, that I just hurt people, or that I constantly let other people down.  This sometimes spawns feelings of isolation.  Sometimes my emotions swing between extremes within a day.  The Doctor seems similarly to reflect these traits. For most of New Who, he is haunted about destroying Gallifrey in order to end the Time War.  Was he a genocidal maniac or a hero who ended a war that would have destroyed all of reality?  Is he any better than a Dalek who belongs to a race of ethnic cleansers.  Even after the 50th anniversary episode, the twelfth Doctor feels the need to ask Clara whether he is a good man. People with BPD tend to have a difficult time knowing themselves outside of how others perceive them.  They constantly rely on others to tell them how they are more than trying to take the time to analyze personal actions and intentions. We usually think our intentions are just excuses for the horrible things we’ve done.  The Doctor kept telling himself that he was trying to end the most deadly war in all of history when making the decision to eradicate his own species, but he wondered afterwards whether it was just an excuse to be the monster he truly was.  It wasn’t like he had a super friendly relationship with the Time Lords (although he was also half human first suggested in the 1996 movie and confirmed with the twelfth Doctor).  He constantly wrestled with the prospect that maybe he took on companions in order to use them rather than actually befriend them.  Davros visibly gets under the Doctor’s skin when he suggests that the Doctor takes “ordinary people and fashions them into weapons.”  We have the episode with the Dream Lord, a suggested personification of the negative aspects of his character.  There is a very dark portion of the Doctor which makes him such a complex character to fully understand.  Still, generally, we most often see him as a hero.  We are more gracious towards his decision to destroy Gallifrey to end the Time War than he is to himself.  I struggle to understand myself.  I generally have persistent feelings of shame that if the dark side of me comes out, then people will leave me.  It’s something I try to control.

Building off the last point, the Doctor is prone to anger quickly coming to that emotion.  “The fury of the Time Lord” is explored throughout the series.  It’s related to the question as to whether he is a good person or not.  This is one area I have seen significant improvements in.  It is okay to angry, but sometimes my anger was ineffective in achieving my goals.  I am not as quick to anger as I used to be.  I think a part of it is that I don’t live with my parents anymore.  I still have much room for improvements.

The Doctor’s fears of abandonment and loneliness has given away to trust issues.  Too many people have betrayed him.  We never learn his actual name throughout the series.  He doesn’t trust anyone with it.  He keeps a lot of himself a secret.  He will refrain from being vulnerable around others including his companions.  He’ll always say that he’s fine, that he is always fine.  This is the classic thing that someone battling mental illness says to cover up their emotions from others.  It is something that I have said in times of distress many times because I am afraid that people will judge me or betray me or leave me.  River Song tells him to trust her.  She whispers his real name in his ear to prove to him that she is worthy of trust.  Even then, he has his reservations.  When learning River was a prisoner for killing man and she doesn’t reveal who, he questions her and why future self would trust her.  There is always constant questioning of other people’s motives and intentions.  When Rose saves her dad’s life altering a fixed point in time, the Doctor is quick to accuse her of selfishness, that she only wanted onto the TARDIS to save her dad, that she was only using the Doctor.  Though Rose’s decision was impulsive and unwise to say the least, the audience isn’t as quick to accuse her of that.  We get the sense that she had a genuine care for the Doctor and actually wanted to travel in the TARDIS for the purpose of exploration.   As we millennials like to say, I feels.

Thoughts of suicide and self-harm or disassociation are not attributes that we can necessarily observe or be able to observe in the Doctor.  We do know that he does tend to view his life as less important as others.  He’s hinted that death may be a gift for someone who lives so long.  He is quick to sacrifice himself.  He gets angry at River when she tries to save him and tell him that the universe doesn’t want him to die.  He’s willing to neglect his life for the sake of others.  When he tried to destroy Gallifrey, he didn’t expect or want to live.  The ninth Doctor explained it wasn’t his choice.  The Doctor seems to be depressed that he didn’t die after ending the Time War, that his guilt is unbearable at times.  I don’t think I can delve much further on this particular aspect of his character to be honest.  

I have thought about this for a long time as you probably can tell.  I am still in love with the Doctor and it is one the view shows that I garner pleasure from when I am severely depressed.  It can distract me from my sometimes very intense and unbearable emotions. I believe this in large part due to how much I relate to the Doctor, that maybe I may not be an absolute monster.  Maybe, I’m not that bad of a person.  Maybe I’m someone that can be loved just like the Doctor. Maybe I am just as interesting and unique.  Maybe at times I can be the hero and not the villain that I always view myself to be. I continue to love the series and I can not wait to see Jodie Whittaker’s depiction of the character when I am able to get access to the episodes.  I am sad to say goodbye to Capaldi, but the story always continues. 

[joysmercer]

Grey’s Anatomy 14x23 Final Thoughts

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve done one of these...but this one blew me away. Wow, what a rollercoaster! By the end of it, we were left knowing exactly who April Kepner is. Let’s get started. 

The episode starts with April sending out very April-like invitations to the Jolex wedding. The scene itself isn’t that important (save for lines like “It might be too fancy for me to go to” and “there’s no way Alex made this, it’s got Kepner written all over it”)…but it got me thinking -- what the heck is Owen Hunt, captain of disorganization, going to do without April running his ER? She excels at bossing people around and making sure everything happens in logical steps, and without her, no one is going to know anything and they’ll lose their trauma cert or something (just watch).

April’s whole storyline this episode was so beautiful. For once, it wasn’t too dragged out (like season 12), or too rushed (like this season’s storylines). Seeing the other doctors -- even Grey, Karev, and Bailey, who aren’t necessarily friends with Kepner -- absolutely anguished over her was heartbreaking. It also had the vibe of old Grey's, where MAGIC was so close to each other that when Izzy was diagnosed, all of them were a mess. We haven’t really been seeing that whole-group togetherness in later seasons, only mostly in pairs (kepzona, merlex…). It was a good reminder that these doctors have been working together for years, and that they’re as good as siblings. 

I would like to address the complaints I’ve been seeing on Twitter that Meredith “cried more for April than for Derek,” or that “she wasn’t even Kepner’s friend, so why does she have more screentime?”. I can’t really speak for Derek’s death, but I’m assuming that the episode didn’t show Meredith’s full reaction. Also, I’m not one bit surprised she was so upset over Kepner today. She and April first became friends in the Shooting episode, when they comforted each other as Derek was undergoing surgery. As general surgeons, I wouldn’t be surprised if the two of them became fast friends. The episode also made it very clear that the situation directly mirrored the Drowning in season 3(?), so again, Meredith feels like she should be there to help Kepner get through it. 

As for Meredith herself, I’m really hoping she’s not retiring the scrub cap. While I don’t care if she dates other people or not (I actually liked Riggs), and I’m glad she’s moving on / finally feeling 100% OK after Derek’s death, retiring the cap seems like too much. Then again, I nearly lost it at the removal of the post-it and the tumor on the wall, so I may just be nostalgic. 

Back to April -- did anyone find it weird that she and Matthew were back together? Don’t get me wrong, I never truly believed she and Jackson were soulmates, and Matthew is a sweetheart. But it did seem random and out-of-the-blue, especially since Matthew refused to see her at all the last time he was in the hospital. Anyway, that aside, I’m so happy she’s happy and in love again. Jackson’s horrible sadness (his crying scene left me in tears) showed that the two of them clearly have a lot of love for each other, and always will…but I think it’s changed from romantic to best-friend love, where they’ll do anything for each other, but they don’t have feelings for each other. Now they’re both in loving relationships (although I hate that Jaggie is a thing), and I feel a little better about Kepner’s departure. Except not really, because Sarah Drew’s acting has been phenomenal this season, and I really want to see more Japril friendship scenes and April being badass because we don’t have enough of either. 

Also, we finally got some meaningful Kepzona scenes this episode! Yay!!! Arizona’s departure is also shaping up in a beautiful way. While, again, I hate that JCap is leaving, and I think its an idiotic decision of the writers, I’m glad she’s leaving to a) be with her daughter and Callie; and b) she’s not giving up fetal surgery or her booming career or doing any of the other things Callie did in her departure. Bailey summed it up perfectly with her opening monologue about AZ being a pixie stick and turning into a wonderful surgeon and human being. I think forming her own Health Center is a wonderful way to leave GSMH, and truly gives Arizona the exit she deserves. Also, is anyone really upset Nicole Herman (Geena Davis) didn’t appear in more episodes?? I freaking love her, she may be my favorite guest character on this show ever. 

Owen Hunt is the third most important friendship April had at Grey Sloan, and while we don’t get to see them together that often anymore, today more than made up for it. Not only is it a mentor-mentee relationship, I truly believe that Owen looks at April like a little sister -- the way he reacted in every scene of the episode reminded me of how he treated Megan too. Like I said before, I don’t know what he’ll do with April gone, but like KMK said in an interview, it’s definitely going to be hard for him. 

While we didn’t get to see a lot of baby Leo today, the good news is that Betty came back! I don’t know if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but I’m really happy Amelia willingly chose to foster a girl not unlike herself. I think by the end of the process, she will realize that maybe, just maybe, she does want a child. The way she acted with Betty today, scolding, nurturing, and joking with her, shows that even in a few weeks, they have become attached, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they teach each other a lot. Deluca was also a surprisingly great character today as well, convincing Amelia not to panic about Herman. Let’s hope he stays this way. 

Unfortunately, the rest of the young residents/interns were just as stupid as they always have been. Roy is back, and his one great line was “I like Doctor Kepner.” He should have stayed fired. As for Glasses and Hellmouth, why would they even expect an invitation? Did they learn nothing from the last time they showed up to a party uninvited? jesus christ. Lastly, where the heck is my favorite intern Casey? He was around in, like, 1 episode and then disappeared.  How annoying.

Anyways, you don’t know how happy I am to find out that Apri wasn’t killed off. She definitely does not deserve that. And I’m super happy Kepzona is sticking around for the wedding before getting written off. Silver Linings, anyone? 

Favorite Quotes (because there were a lot):

"I thought you were a pixie stick. When I met you, I thought you were an empty vessel full of sugar who skated in a hospital. I didn’t know then that it would be one of the greatest privileges of my life to know you, and work with you." -- Bailey

“It might be too fancy for me to go to” -- Jo 

“All I see is yellow, yellow, and yellow” -- Alex

Alex’s monologue + “You gotta stop saying ‘was,'” -- Mer

“Don’t take April, please. I’ll do whatever you want, Don’t take her away, OK?” -- Jackson <3

“She’s in love” -- AZ

“She would have wanted us to pray” -- Owen

“you prayed for me, and it worked.” + “You always come and bring me back” + “I’m here, I’m alive” + “I’ll leave that up to Jesus” -- April <3

"So you did brain surgery while you needed brain surgery?” -- Betty

“She’ll take my hearing next” -- Herman

“I downloaded my whole brain into that girl” -- Herman

“It’s going to be so beautiful” -- Jo

The promo for next week looks really good, and I’m super excited to be back at the barn (think April planned it on purpose?) Anyway, until next time :) 

[whimsicalworldofme]

The Undying Ember

So I’ve had this character kicking around in my brain since TFA, a young Jedi named Ava. She grew up an orphan in the Resistance with Poe and Ben and eventually trained under Luke to become a Jedi. There’s nothing wholly remarkable about her other than her Force sensitivity.  

In this particular story line I’ve created (set after the events of TLJ), Rey is trying to build up a new school of Padawans and has recruited Ava to go and retrieve Force sensitive children. But her mission goes tits up when she is captured by Kylo Ren and their interconnected past is dredged up, creating serious issues for them both. I saw a prompt about one character having kept a huge secret from another and this angsty stuff is what my brain churned out.

Please be gentle with me if you feel like commenting, this is strictly for my own enjoyment and I don’t write much fic. But I hope you’ll enjoy reading it.

Word count: 2432

No triggers that I can tell. Some serious angst though.

Images of a little boy with brown eyes, a long nose, and thick black hair flashed through their minds. He giggled and laughed, running through a field of tall yellow grass, wearing a crown of amber flowers on his head.

           “Mama!” He called out with delight and pointed to a formation of X-Wings coming in for a landing. “Baba’s home!”

           Not this, Ava tried to turn Kylo onto any other track in her mind. Anything but this.

The bond broke and Kylo staggered back, gasping for air. Ava gulped for breath herself, the strain of having to fight him out of her memories put far more of a toll on her body than she’d care to admit. When he lurched back beside her, towering over her, the snarl on his lips didn’t match the brokenness in those deep brown eyes.

           “You have a son?” He didn’t sound hurt or curious but accusatory, like she’d committed a heinous crime.

           “That’s none of your concern,” Ava said. She put up more defenses around her mind to keep him out of any and all thoughts about the boy.

           “With that pilot,” he sneered and she understood now why he took on the attitude that her child was an assault against him. “It was only a matter of time before he tried breeding more Rebel brats-”

           Ava smacked him so hard across the face that the sound of it reverberated across the room and left a red imprint of her hand on his cheek. Kylo threw her with the Force and she reached out to it herself just in time to prevent her from slamming into the wall. But Kylo was stronger and he lifted her off the ground, an invisible hand around her throat. She coughed and fought, trying to worm her way into his mind to get him to let her go but it didn’t work. Ben was gone. Kylo’s eyes burned with the same rage as the night at the temple when she’d refused to go with him to Snoke.

           “When I find the new rebel base I will personally see to it that your precious pilot and his son are annihilated like the scum they are.”

           “Your son,” Ava gasped against his hold. “Yours.”

           Those three words caught him off guard enough to give Ava some air as she dropped to the ground. Her knees and the heels of her hands hit the hard floor sending reverberating pain through her whole body. She rasped for breath and sputtered out cough after cough trying to fill her lungs.

           Kylo and Ben seemed to be at war with each other as Ava stayed there on the floor, watching the emotions roil across his face like a storm at sea. She didn’t say anything. She’d already said too much but if telling him the truth might save her son, then so be it. At least he wouldn’t be likely to try to kill the boy now.

           “Liar!” Kylo snarled and she was up in the air again.

           “Ben,” Ava clutched at her throat. “Look for yourself. See the truth.”

           The bond between their minds opened once more and Ava willed herself to relive the hardest moments of her life. Seventeen years old, meant to be training as a Jedi, suddenly feeling the presence of another life emanating from her own body. They weren’t supposed to have any form of attachments. Master Luke made them swear. The old Jedi forbade attachment altogether, but Master Luke said that they should just wait until they were done with their training to form any bonds that might distract them. That hadn’t stopped Ben and Ava from sneaking away from the temple when no one would notice they were gone. She wanted to tell Luke. He always made time for her and seemed to know what to do no matter what. But the next night Ben turned.

           The look on his face made her heart wrench even now, seeing it replayed in her thoughts. He’d begged her to join him, to become one of the Knights of Ren. He hadn’t known, couldn’t sense it yet. When she refused and cried and pleaded with him, his eyes flamed with rage and he pulled her little stone hut down on top of her. The panic enveloped her again and she hoped that right now Kylo felt every terrifying fear that she had that night. Heartache over the loss of her love, broken bones and bruises and cuts all over her body, and the terrifying thought that the baby hadn’t survived even though she somehow had. She opened her eyes and watched him. He’d loosened his hold on her and let her stand on the ground, but she was still held in place. There was something of Ben there, the boy who felt others pain too deeply, who wanted nothing more than to be reassured that he was loved despite the demons he struggled against. He was broken and confused.

           Ava turned her attention back to showing him exactly what had happened. How a group of rebels had come the site of the temple at Leia’s behest to check for survivors. How she was bloody and mangled when they dug her out of the rubble. She made sure he felt the loneliness and fear when the doctor told Leia about the baby. The General had known even before the doctor said anything and she knew whose it was too. Ava wanted Ben to feel that horrible ache she and his mother had shared as they wordlessly acknowledged that Ben was gone and they didn’t know what to do about his unborn child. She showed him the way people glared at her and gossiped about her, about how she should’ve seen how evil he truly was and that might’ve saved her from winding up in that position. And then there was the pain of the people who treated her as a pitiable urchin, clicking their tongues and shaking their heads as though she’d been stupid to fall for his advances. And Poe. Sweet, selfless Poe, who told everyone the baby was his even though no one believed it. It wasn’t remotely possible, but he’d made up a story about going to visit her at the temple and if anyone spoke ill of Ava or the baby he’d charge angrily to their defense. He’d gotten more than one black eye and official reprimand from his superiors.

           “Enough!” Kylo snapped and Ava shut down the bond between them.

           He said nothing and Ava didn’t bother trying to talk to him. What could she possibly say? She never wanted Kylo to know about her son. The less he knew the safer the child would be.

           “What’s his name?”

           “You don’t deserve to know that.” Ava didn’t care what he did to her. She wouldn’t tell him anything further.

           “I am his father!” Ben slammed his fist into the wall. “This is why you shut yourself off to the Force? To keep me from him!”

           “I’ll not have my son bent and twisted into a monster that he isn’t. I will not lose him to the dark side the way I lost his father.” Ava shouted and Ben stopped short. That painful, deep look of longing brimmed in his eyes and it made her heart hurt. “I’ve lost too much already.”

           She thought of Han who had been like a father to her, how he’d taken them out flying as little kids in the Falcon. And how he’d occasionally fall into old smuggling habits to bring them candies and toys from faraway planets. She thought of Leia who, despite not being able to spend much time away from her obligations to the Resistance, would always tell them stories about cities in the clouds or treehouse villages full of Ewoks whenever she had a chance. And Luke, always patient and loving, who delighted at their triumphs as they learned how to utilize their connection to the force. They were all gone now.

           “Kylo Ren took everyone I love from me,” she murmured. “Please don’t let him take my son too.”

           There was a pause. Ben took heavy breaths, a panic and confusion about him that Ava hadn’t seen since they were children. She knew he felt the conflict, could sense the light and the dark clawing at his heart. All control he’d had on her melted away and she felt herself able to breathe again. But there was no way of knowing what he might do next. Rey had been right about one thing, there was still good in him. She could feel it like the embers in a dying fire clinging to life, burning warm and soft. All it needed was the right fuel and Ben could be brought back. Ava didn’t want to be that fuel. She didn’t want her son to be either. If Ben Solo were to come back to life it would have to be of his own accord, his own choice. But it gave her hope.

           In a flurry Kylo grabbed her by the arm and started to drag her out of the room. She couldn’t exactly resist or fight him off. He was a foot taller and quite possibly twice her size. So she went along, unsure of where he meant to take her and if she would ever return.

           I have to find a way out. I have to find a way home.

           She refused to give up hope. Other members of the Resistance had been in worse binds than this.

           “Ready my ship,” Kylo barked an order that sent a couple of lower officers of the First Order scrambling. They were all terrified of him, Ava felt it very clearly. That sent a pang through her. As a kid, Ben had only wanted everyone to love him, his parents especially, but he always sought the approval and affection of his peers and mentors. He’d been so soft and kind. A little sassy, to be sure, but good.

           How did Snoke twist you so fully into something you’re not? She watched him wince as her thoughts reverberated in his brain. His hold on her arm tightened, his fingers digging painfully into her flesh. Next thing she knew, Ava was being shoved into the tiny space behind the pilot’s seat of Kylo’s tie fighter and they were screaming off the massive star destroyer to who knew where.

           “Where are you taking me?”

           She knew he wouldn’t reply but felt the need to ask just to keep her thoughts from completely spiraling out of control. Since talking would obviously do nothing, she decided to meditate. It didn’t take long before they landed expertly on a distant planet though Ava couldn’t quite get her bearings as to where it was in relation to the ship they’d left. It wasn’t a remarkable planet. Grassy and tranquil. There were some wild cattle looking creatures in the distance whose heads rose when Kylo marched her off the ship but they were too absorbed in their grazing to care about the two bipedal aliens in the distance.

           “Why did you bring me here?” Ava asked. It didn’t make sense. If he meant to kill her he could’ve just done it on the star destroyer. Something was amiss.  

           “You want your son safe?” He jerked her a little closer, leaning down to look her in the eye. “That’s why we’re here. You go around screaming about him on that Star Destroyer, Hux gets wind of him, he’ll be worse than dead.”

           Ava wasn’t sure she understood but something about that prick of a general struck a real, genuine fear into Ben. He had a reputation for conniving and murder but surely he feared the wrath of Kylo Ren? A son though, the right pressure, that could provide leverage. It clicked and Ava nodded to show she understood what he meant.

           “He’s what, twelve now? Is he like us?” Desperation filled his voice, his brown eyes softened as he searched her face for any sign of an answer.

           “I told you everything I’m willing to tell,” Ava insisted. A rush of wind hit them and she wrapped her arms around herself trying to stay warm. She wasn’t dressed for the chill. Her mission had been to a desert planet in search of a Force sensitive child Rey wanted to bring into her new academy. Ben took off his cowl and held it out to her, unsure of how she would react. There had been a time when they were younger that he’d wrap her up in his cloak if she caught a chill. Now they were distant, he was hesitant and she was fearful. She took the offered garment and wrapped it around her shoulders.

           “Thank you,” she mumbled.

           “I’m leaving you here,” he snapped, not wanting to seem interested in her gratitude. “Your rebel friends will no doubt come looking for you. I know Rey can sense you.”

           “I will not be bait for your trap,” Ava stood firm. She could cut herself off from the Force just as easily as before.

           “It’s not a trap,” Kylo grabbed her arm and drew her in again. She didn’t like it when he brought her closer, it made her woozy and sad. He still smelled the same and it made her heart race despite her every thought screaming that she hated him.

           “It’s a warning. Your only warning. Get your son and get far away from the Resistance, far away from the First Order. Find a planet on the outer rim and disappear.”

           He pushed her so forcefully away from him that she stumbled and fell to the ground. But he didn’t see. He’d already turned his back and with those long strides re-entered his tie fighter.

           “Ben!” Ava shouted as he shut the hatch. “Ben!” She didn’t know exactly what it was she wanted to say but suddenly she didn’t want him to go. She wanted him to come with her, wanted him to run far away. They could all go together. Of course, it was selfish. Realistically she knew she could never leave the Resistance like that, could never be that heartless. But for a brief and glimmering moment she thought of how things could have been.

           The Tie shot into the atmosphere and Ava knew that Kylo hadn’t given a single backwards glance as she called his true name. Wrapping the cowl tight around her shoulders she shut her eyes against the sting of tears.

           Luke. Your son’s name is Luke.

           The light grew a little warmer before Ben’s presence faded entirely from her reach.  

Last Chapter            Master List            Next Chapter 

[sexbob-ombbeck]

Reasons why I will never ship S*ssR*n or any form of it, or any ship like it:

In my middle school days, I came across a fanfiction were the author literally had our problematic Lord assault a 9-10 year old Rin...who proceeded to cry and call him Papa. I still question why I read that. I believe the summary was something else, it’s been literally a decade and some change. This was between 2003-2006, but if 11-14 year old me could know it was wrong, so should y’all grown ass adults. It’s wrong and if anyone in Sesshomaru’s age range (19) looked at my eight year old nieces like that, murder would be the least of their problems. I’ve seen a shit ton of horrible takes of ships in fandoms, and I still question: why? Why do you do this? I personally like crackships and rare pairs. But they’re within reason and nothing really take off.

And honestly? Before my rewatch in preparation for Yashahime, I never considered any of the canon ships. None of them. InuKik, InuKag, MirSan, even SessKagu and KoRin were never on my radar. But I took a seat, took off my shipper glasses and just watched. I watched as saw how Kikyou (a character fans can hate, I’ve been there) was a teenage girl who never got to be one and she was tragic as fuck. Angry, hurt and still searching for who she was, while still growing even after death. I watched how my whole perspective of Kagome changed from a whiny teenage product of the 90s/early 2000s, to a girl who grew up in two worlds and stayed behind in the time were her heart was called to. I watched with new eyes that Miroku’s perverted nature is a coping mechanism and the poor guy always feared he’s never make 25, let alone settle down and have a family with a woman he loved. I watched as Sango, so broken and yet so strong, let her heart find love in someone other than her need to keep her brother safe. She still loved him, always would and I have no doubts if Miroku hadn’t given them a chance, she would have still followed her brother into death once Naraku was killed. Inuyasha had every reason to be how he was; he had his entire life fucked over for just being a half demon. He had to open up, let these people in and experience how being a full demon was not what he wanted. He had to grow. Shippou was always an afterthought before I realized, this is a child. They’re all children, almost all orphans and drawn together for a common goal.

I watched as I was Sesshomaru begin to open his heart to compassion when a small child offered him food and a kind smile. I am of personal belief that their relationship is familial. He loves her, no doubt. He was almost shattered by Rin’s death. He loves her and she adores him. She’s a child who found a family again after hers was killed. I watched as Rin opened up, was allowed to keep her innocence but also show how brave she could be. She was a smart kid, witty and always took potshots at Jaken without realizing it. Sesshomaru’s empathy extended not only to Rin, but also Kagura and Kohaku. No one can lie that her death changed something in him. I was able to see how he cared. The dude has a default setting and it’s apathetic, but don’t you dare fuck with his kids, or his brother. Only he can kill Inuyasha (sounds like a sibling to me).

So once again: Why do you ship a child with her caretaker?

Rin was introduced in Yashahime as “The girl who adores Sesshomaru”. She was 11 years old. She still looked youthful, innocent. Sesshomaru protecting her was because she was a child, and even if Sango was there, weapon ready, he wasn’t about to let his ward get hurt. Even when Kohaku arrived and was left with Rin and the children, that man did not leave that roof until the threat was over. And you wanna see that as romantic? I honestly fear y’all ability to parent or even care for children.

And then you decide, you know what would be better than just shipping S*ssR*n? If you shipped his fucking 14 year old daughter with her mentor/uncle figure because WHY THE FUCK NOT?? Instead of the 15-16 year who is clearly romantically interested in her. Because yes, shipping a 30-31 year old man who not only traveled with her father but was seen as his pack, with his flesh and blood is acceptable. Newsflash, it fucking isn’t. It’s gross, and something that has been addressed multiple times, and I fucking hate that when I even glimpse the Yashahime tag, aside from the blazing critics and hate (it isn’t great, won’t lie, but I got into this sequel purely for the girls journey and I know it’s gonna take a season two to make it better), it’s just...well it’s a dumpster fire and I alternate between this fandom and the RWBY fandom right now.

...any who this has gone off to nowhere and thensome.

Tldr: I refuse to ship S*ssR*n because of multiple reasons but it all started because someone wrote a fanfiction where in the first chapter, Sesshomaru raped a preteen Rin because he could smell her menstraul cycle, stopped only when she cried and called him Papa and proceeded to scrub my entire history clean and think about my life at either 12 or 13. Y’all need to really think about your choices in shipping and I need another cup of Earl Grey tea and some calming thoughts.

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[atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc]

Rant: My Opinion on Venom the Character --aka-- The Tragedy of Eddie Brock

Let’s talk about Venom for a second.

With his new solo movie coming out starring the always impeccable Tom Hardy, I think it’s time we discuss everybody’s favorite muscle-bound Spidey villain/ruthless anti-hero, because…I well I say everybody loves him, when that’s not entirely true.

I’ve never really been a big fan of Venom. Specifically as an anti-hero.

I agree with the masses when I say Venom (when written in a certain way) is a great, GREAT villain and near prefect counterpart to Spider-Man to truly challenge him as he is very much the embodiment of his failed responsibilities. (Failure to help Eddie, failure to control the suit and just throwing it away rather than truly destroying it.) However, when placed in the morally gray protagonist role like you would put, say, the Punisher, Venom has always come off as just completely and utterly boring to me. I have never seen nor understood the appeal. He’s just a big, muscly, edgy Spider-Man with a creepy smile that goes on about “WE MUST FEED” or some horseshit that lacks any sort of drama and tension, instead relying on blood and gore to satisfy the crowd.

Now, the reason why I believe this is mainly because I think the most interesting aspects of Venom are lost the instant you put him in that anti-hero role. More specifically, you lose Eddie Brock’s tragedy.

What does that mean? Well, it’s…complicated. In order to find out why—you’ve gotta break down Eddie to his fundamentals as a character and find out what makes him work, before you go in and look at what doesn’t.

Spoilers for the character ahead, and also I should mention that this is all MY opinion. If you love Eddie Brock and wanna disagree with me, you’re free to do so. Just know that I’m not saying EVERYONE IS WRONG AND I AM RIGHT. This is my own personal deal with the character that I felt has bugged me and has finally come to a head that I gotta get off my chest. Good? Good.

Alright, let’s start off with the two building blocks of Venom: Eddie Brock and the Symbiote.

The Symbiote is some space-dimensional-parasite thing that is this thing that feeds off of the emotions of its partner, and then gets a small bit of their emotions that becomes a part of them. Each symbiote, according to new lore, has its own personality and ideas—but the symbiote that fell on our character has had…let’s just say a very VERY difficult couple of previous hosts before Peter Parker ever entered the picture. It lost its mind and became this thing that fed off of one emotion more than any—pure, seething rage. That last part, to me anyway, is the most crucial part of what defines Venom and separates him from the other incarnations like Carnage or something. This suit is fueled by the darkest part of the human id, the place where your darkest fantasies and thoughts that you refuse to give the light of day manifest. As long as dark thoughts exist in your mind, it will gravitate towards them and expand them ten-fold. It’s more than just some black goo that gives you powers—this is a living, breathing thing that cannot be negotiated with, and cannot be controlled. It can only be submitted to.

Eddie Brock is another thing entirely. Many different people have many different takes on the dude, but based off of his different origin stories, and how he’s set up, there is one fundamental item that has always defined him before the suit: tragedy. Eddie Brock has always got the short end of the stick in basically every department. He’s either lost his job, or he’s lost his mentor, or he’s lost his girlfriend—hell, he’s even once lost his future when he discovers that he has a tumor. Whether it’s because of these events, or how he was raised before, all of these things happening to him at once garnered two things within Eddie: contempt. Contempt towards those who got to have the life he’s always wanted but could never have because of *insert reason here.* It also doesn’t help that every decision he’s made to fix his life has always blown up in his face as well by trying to take shortcuts that he’s seen others get away with in the past easily, adding to his pain and suffering. He is, essentially, the one person in all the Marvel universe who can never catch a break. It’s that aspect that honestly makes Eddie Brock more interesting than the symbiote in some capacities. He’s more fleshed out, more humanized and shows just how bad things can go for people in the wake of mistakes that superheroes can make.

Now, for me, it’s when you combine these two where things can get…iffy. Mainly because it’s how you interpret or misinterpret either the symbiote, Eddie, or both that can make or break the character. For me personally, there’s one aspect of Venom that works the best, mainly because it makes the most sense with their characters and motivations. It ain’t the suit, it ain’t the symbiote, but instead Eddie himself. If you stop to think about it, there’s a kind of tragedy surrounding him.

Eddie sought solace in life and was refused time and time again by those around him. And then, at his lowest point, there is only one thing that gives it to him: the symbiote. The symbiote gives him the power that he’s always dreamed of, and lets him finally unleash the rage and contempt that has been boiling in his system for years. And it is ONLY THEN when Spider-Man finally tries to lay down an olive branch. He tries to get Eddie to fight it, to beat it, but by then Eddie is too far gone. Hell, I’d argue that the instant Venom starts to refer to himself in plural, that’s when Eddie truly died. They are better now. They have found peace within themselves. And they don’t need your sympathy. The idea of being told that you can be “saved” becomes a joke to those who were forced to save themselves.

Therein lies the tragedy: It isn’t that Venom isn’t given a chance at redemption, but rather that he refuses it.

When writers play into that effect, and show how depraved and demonic Venom is, and then juxtapose it with the shriveled up husk of a man that is Eddie Brock who only finds peace in becoming that terrifying thing—that’s when the character is firing at all cylinders I think. He becomes this horror show who you can’t help but feel the same amount of pity as you do fear of him. It’s almost a kind of Walter White situation in terms of losing oneself to your alter ego. This is why and how I find Venom fascinating.

But, on the contrary, when you try to put Venom in the different role of anti-hero rather than straight up villain, I draw the line in the sand.

Y’see, a fundamental part of what makes Venom so much of a cool villain is because he can’t escape his tragedy. He is literally bound to it. To make him anything other than an antagonist would go against that tragedy and therefore would go against his character, or completely and fundamentally alter the fabric of the character itself.

For example, say you go the direction of having Eddie try to fight the monster and control his powers. Real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde style. The issue you’ve got there is that, well, it’s already been done. Peter tried that a looooong time ago. Plus, it wouldn’t work for the character as he’s already accepted the symbiote as part of himself. “We” and all that.

Another example, say you have Eddie attempt to find a kind of redemption arc and finally own up to his responsibilities. While yes, you can have this done where Eddie finally controls his anger and rage and can become a hero…but it has to come at a cost. Looking at this narratively, the one way to finally put it all behind him would be to defeat the thing that is keeping him from becoming human again, and there’s only one item in Brock’s past that does so—the Symbiote. For him to do a proper redemption arc that makes sense for the nature of the symbiote and how Eddie would move forward (and, admittedly, would be a good final note for the character,) he would have to destroy the suit or refuse to put it on again. Essentially, Eddie can be redeemed…but not Venom. If this were to be used, this would have to be Eddie’s swan song before leaving Venom proper.

The final option is, of course, why don’t you do a Punisher-type thing with Venom? He brutally takes out the bad guys that the other dudes won’t have the stomach to. While Venom could express his rage and anger against the right (or in this case ‘wrong’) people, and could provide an interesting issue for supporting heroes to tackle since he’s crossing the line for the right reasons, it’s kind of a one-trick pony. Long term it would fall flat on its face. It would get stale because you’d just see him constantly mowing people down with no consequence and no character development save for the occasional time when Eddie is justifying his actions. It would have to start and then, after a killing spree or two, he would get taken down by the heroes who force him back into a cage. This idea DOES fall in line with Eddie Brock’s tragedy, and admittedly could be done…but without that juxtaposition of Venom brutally murdering gangsters and supervillains with your Iron Men and Spider-Folks trying to maintain justice and order and are forced to take Venom down, it’ll all be lost.

You see where I’m going with this? Every time you try and set up Venom as an anti-hero, it just doesn’t work out that well. You either take away a fundamental part of what makes his character interesting, or you end up losing the character forever. He’s not like Punisher. He’s not like Deadpool. He’s not like, well, any other kind of anti-hero. He’s too much of a beast to be contained. It’s like trying to make the Joker out to be an anti-hero. You can’t. He’s done too many horrible things and would have no real reason to do any modicum of good in his entire life.

(Random hot take: I also don’t particularly care for Agent Venom. He just feels…lame. He has the Venom suit without the insanity of the symbiote or the contempt of Eddie, instead vying for a toned-down Flash Thompson who doesn’t have that strong a personality when put next to not only Venom, but Spidey and even Carnage. Also…really with the guns? You have a SYMBIOTE SUIT that can turn into ANYTHING and you choose GUNS?! That’s REEEEEAAALLY lame.)

Now. With ALL OF THIS BEING SAID. Let’s wrap right back around to the Venom movie.

In my eyes, there is only one real way you could feasibly do a Venom movie. It’s Eddie’s fall from grace and descent into madness. It’s a take on the world of bright super-heroes where even the best of them can’t necessarily save everyone, and create this beast out of your darkest nightmares. Perhaps it can even make a commentary on the collateral damage that super-heroes would have on society (not necessarily the death kind as seen in Civil War, but more of the problems they would create for the little people like Vulture from Homecoming—only expounded by constant tragedy rather than lack of a job.) Due to that, it would be less of a bloody slasher movie as much as a dark psychological thriller. Yes it would mean you wouldn’t necessarily see a LOT of Venom throughout the movie, but it would be something that emphasizes his best features while also being something you haven’t seen before from a super-hero movie.

It’s for this reason that I don’t mind that Venom isn’t in he Venom trailer. Hell, I’m happy he isn’t. Venom isn’t the best part of Venom, it’s Eddie Brock. The symbiote plays a part, yeah. But as a character, Eddie defines it. His growing contempt, his initial fear of giving into his “demons,” his tragic fall from grace, and his eventual acceptance of Venom as the only way to become whole which would THEN lead to the much-anticipated bloodbath. That’s why I’m glad it looks like he’s going to be more of the focus than Venom.

That being said, is the film going to go that direction I want it to? I don’t know. If I were a betting man, I’d say that it’s probably not going to be because of how little he connects to any kind of Marvel Universe due to rights, and how it looks like he’s going to be fighting different kinds of symbiotes with some ‘spooky organization’ that’s probably going to recruit him into being a citizen soldier or something. From what I saw in the trailer, that’s what it looks like. But, that being said, the fact that they focused so heavily on Eddie HOPEFULLY means it’ll be more about his aforementioned descent into madness rather than meaningless blood and gore. I don’t care if they completely change his origins—if they can make something interesting and meaningful then by God: DO IT. Look at what Spectacular Spider-Man did. The show altered Eddie COMPLETELY and made what I consider to be the BEST take on Venom’s character. It’s just the right amount of insanity mixed with the perfect amount of tragedy. 

And at the end of the day, that’s what Venom’s all about: Insanity and Tragedy.

(Again, If you disagree with any or all of what I’ve said, feel free. But know I’m not telling you to feel this way, so don’t go bananas because I spoke my piece on a blog that nobody reads. This is just my personal opinion on the character. Nothing more.)

[avani008]

TLJ Reaction Post

Short version: meh.

Longer version: behind the cut for length, disorganized rambling, general grumpiness, and spoilers. I haven’t really looked at anyone else’s reaction posts yet, so I’m sure my opinions could very well be diametrically opposed to everyone else’s, in which case....oops?

*I have mixed feelings about Poe’s actions in the first scene: one would think he’d have learned to be more pragmatic over the years, but that said, a plot arc (with Leia!) about learning to make hard choices as a leader is exactly the sort of character arc that I usually love....except when it comes at the cost of an idiot plot (see below.) But! At least Poe didn’t get stuck with a ridiculous romantic subplot and has an excellent chance of making it through the last film alive. He probably got the best deal of all three new leads, TBH.

* I also like Rose, quite a lot! I like her being idealistic and clever and determined, and she plays off Finn well. Which made me SO disappointed that her overall role is third leg of a LOVE TRIANGLE, of all things. (Star Wars doesn’t even do love triangles! At least not when two of the people involved aren’t awkwardly related to each other. And I hate how fandom will inevitably feel the need to pit her against Rey :( )

*That said, clearly Rose’s sister had to die horribly, because heaven forbid we have more than one POC female character featured. I liked her in her brief appearance, though.

* Holdo! I have mixed feelings overall. Morally dubious, smart, and ultimately tragic female leaders are some of my favorite character tropes (Everyone in Baahubali fandom is SHOCKED to hear this, I’m sure.) and also I loved Leia having a friend/alternative shipping option during the time she and Han were estranged. But: there was absolutely no reason for her to be so antagonistic to Poe, and his sudden dislike to her before he’s even met her doesn’t do him any favors either. We’re supposed to guess that the reason she doesn’t reveal her plan is because of a possible spy, which....um, how did the first order get the tracking coordinates in the first place? Did I miss that? Anyway, even if that is her reasoning, if she’s so close to Leia, surely she knows Poe is her protege and can be trusted. I’m not saying she has to announce her plans over the loudspeaker, but taking him aside to allay his concerns seems perfectly sensible and I can’t understand why she didn’t do that.

* Also Google informs me that Holdo first appears in a tie-in and has been compared to Luna Lovegood. Guys, I can’t imagine a character less like Luna than movie! Holdo; what am I missing?

*Which is as good a time as any to scream about Rey and how much her plot arc suffered the second Ben got involved. I’d happily watch a cut that was all her developing her Jedi powers, cut to the rescue on Crait and her “just moving rocks” scene. But no, instead she gets this long involved subplot with Ben that’s just....For me to believe that Rey has so much invested in his redemption, Ben needed to play the roles Finn and Han played in the first movie: the first people to value her, to help her, to come back for her. Instead Ben killed one of them and hurt the other before her eyes (yes, I screamed internally when he gave her the “join me” spiel.) Hell, I’d even have taken Han begging her to save Ben as his dying wish; or perhaps the AU where she’s Han and Leia’s adopted daughter taken in after Ben’s fall with all the complicated relationships that entails; but as is, it’s every toxic shipping dynamic that I hate.

*Okay, it’s time for the Ben rant (note: I do call him “Ben,” but that’s because I find I’m most attached and invested to the original trio, and as they all consistently call him “Ben”) Waking up to find your uncle and teacher trying to kill you is clearly traumatic!....But the appropriate response to that is not to turn around and do the same thing to your fellow students, who had nothing to do with this as far as we know. Nor is it to commit genocide knowingly. Nor is it to kill your unarmed father, who is specifically mentioned as not wanting you to be trained as a Jedi to start with, in cold blood. Also, even if we want to blame it on Snoke....Ben keeps on going even after Snoke’s death. At this point, he is beyond redemption for me; and Leia, at least, seems to agree.

That said, Luke: “If you cut me down, I’ll stay with you forever!”

Ben: *immediately slashes at him with his lightsaber*

...Methinks Bhalla and Ben probably need the same therapist.

*Leia flying in the vacuum of space was ridiculous. The CGI looked off to me, the science makes no sense, and we’ve never before seen that the Force can do such a thing, any more than we have astral projection (? But then how was Luke able to touch Leia’s hand or transfer the dice from the Falcon?) That said, I’m so glad she survived :)

* I was less happy with Luke’s plotline. First off, my! Luke would never be so pointlessly hostile and rude—I get the sense that his montage of going around the island was supposed to be funny, but no one in my theater laughed at least. But more egregiously, with regards to trying to kill his own nephew: LUKE WOULD NEVER. I just don’t buy it, at all, ever; this is LUKE SKYWALKER, the man who inherited his mother’s heart, the man who refused to kill Darth Vader. To think that he would, even for a second, CONSIDER murdering his sleeping nephew is completely incompatible with my understanding of his character. The scene with Yoda was better, as was the climax, but it’s not enough to overcome everything that had come before.

* Chewbacca and the original droids were sadly underused, most blatantly R2. I liked the one R2 and Luke scene but....how was that Luke had only the one interaction with his beloved droid?

* If he was going to be killed off so abruptly, I’d really have liked an explanation as to who Snoke is, how he found Ben and came into contact with him, what his actual goals are? But I guess that won’t be an option now.

* The porgs and the crystal fox-things were cute!

* Probably an unpopular opinion, but I actually was okay with Rey just being an orphan without connections to the Solo-Skywalkers. I know the story is largely a family saga, but I’m ok with the message being that bloodlines don’t matter (once again, the adopted Rey AU could emphasize this so much more). That said I’m still confused as to why Rey apparently has dreamed of Luke’s island before: this clearly isn’t something all Force sensitive kids do, so why her?

* Also, the pacing seemed a little off to me? I expected that the big Rey/Ben/Snoke duel was the climax and then the film went on for another thirty or so minutes, which seemed rather too much to me.

* Finally, I’ve mentioned this before to some of you, but overall what I find most disappointing about the new trilogy is how cylical everything seems to be. Leia is an overworked politician again, Han an unscrupulous smuggler; and just like Ben Kenobi, Luke is a hermit mourning the failure of his attempt at mentor ship for years. Actually Ben at least had the purpose of watching over Luke; Luke apparently abandoned his sister and the galaxy just to go wallow (LUKE WOULD NEVER!). The galaxy is at war, again, there’s the Sith back again, and whereas RotJ closed on a wealth of possibility for the characters, promising closure from the sadness of the past, the sequels just leave me wondering: “what was the point, then?” I was honestly expecting that watching this movie would make me want to write much more in this fandom, but honestly, the disconnect between how I see the characters and how the creators do is so great that I don’t feel I can do it justice.

That said, that is mostly me venting, mostly because of my own subjective tastes. If you guys enjoyed watching the movie, I’m super happy to hear that! We all need something to cheer us up these days :) I hope that you can all forgive my grumping and overall pettiness, haha.

[graftondance88-blog]

The (R)evolution of Steve Jobs, Santa Fe Opera

iPhone announcement

Edward Parks (Steve Jobs) and the Santa Fe Opera Chorus

Ken Howard for Santa Fe Opera, 2017

(The photos are not loading. It's my Chromebook and I won't be able to fix this until I get home on Sunday. I have completed my updates, which are marked below.) I was at the second performance of the new opera The (R)evolution of Steve Jobs, music by Mason Bates, libretto by Mark Campbell. As readers of this blog and my Twitter feed are aware, I had reservations about the subject going into the premiere, which came on top of being less of a Mason Bates fan than many. I have also seen two operas with Campbell librettos, which contributed somewhat to my skepticism; more about this below. So, the good news about the opera: the production is really terrific, using a bunch of rectangular structures on wheels to divide up the stage and, with beautiful and imaginative production, represent various outdoor locations, Apples offices, a garage, Jobss childhood home, etc. The lighting is gorgeous. The singers are amplified, which I did not know in advance, but it was obvious from the first vocal entry. Its done well enough, though there was one two minute period when I had some problems hearing soprano Jessica E. Jones. It was certainly necessary for making the guitar in the orchestra audible with what sounded like a pretty big orchestra in the pit. Whether it was necessary for the singers, I am doubtful, but it is not the only thing about the opera that was School of John (Coolidge) Adams. The performers are unimpeachable, which did not surprise me at all. I believe I have never heard baritone Edward Parks before; he sings the role of Jobs and as far as I can remember, he is on stage for the entire opera. He was absolutely tireless and sang and acted very well. Garrett Sorenson (Woz) and Edward Parks (Steve Jobs) Ken Howard for Santa Fe Opera, 2017 All of the other roles are subsidiary to that of Jobs, and because I have not seen the libretto (yet), I am not sure what the line division among the other roles is. I think its likely that the second-largest role is that of Steve Wozniak (Woz), friend of Jobs from their teen years, co-founder of Apple, and designer of large parts of early Apple hardware. This role was sung by tenor Garrett Sorenson, and he was just about perfect vocally and dramatically. He is the emotional foil of Jobs within Apple, the nice guy to Jobss asshole. I have seen him before, but I had to look it up: he was Narraboth in San Franciscos last Salome. Edward Parks (Steve Jobs) and Sasha Cooke (Laurene Powell Jobs) Ken Howard for Santa Fe Opera, 2017 Sasha Cooke, taking the role of Laurene Powell Jobs, got very high billing in the cast, and she is wonderful, but oh man! The part is seriously underwritten. The same is true of the role of Chrisann Brennan, Jobss girlfriend and the mother of his first daughter Lisa, sung by Jessica E. Jones More, lots more, about this below. That is not a set or a projection in the background; that is the scenery behind the opera house. Edward Parks (Steve Jobs) and Wei Wu (Kobun Chino Otogaway) Ken Howard for Santa Fe Opera, 2017 The bass Wu Wei was impressive as Kubun Chino Otogawa, spiritual mentor to Jobs over a long period of time. More on this below as well. And some more good news: for this opera, Bates has composed a score that is consistently lively and inventive, with considerable charm as well. The publicity all says that this opera was his idea, and it has inspired him to write some terrific music, music that I liked better than just about anything I have heard from him in the past. The vocal lines are mostly well-written and by and large he sets the sometimes-awkward text very well. The orchestral burbles along with a fascinating assortment of sounds, some of them based on sound effects from the Macintosh computer line. Theres a guitar in the mix (obviously amplified); the orchestra is imaginative and often very beautiful. Was that a duet for alto flutes I heard at one point (possibly two)? I cant say, because I havent located the orchestra breakdown yet. There is some beautiful pastoral music when Jobs and Chrisann take an LSD trip; it also registered on me as a loving pastiche of the genre. Edward Parks (Steve Jobs) and Jessica E. Jones (Chrisann Brennan) Ken Howard for Santa Fe Opera, 2017 There are some minor issues: the extremely high-energy score gets tiring to listen to after maybe 50 minutes to an hour. It could use more repose, more breaks from the relentless energy. I certainly could have done without the disturbing subsonics in one scene. Rhythmically, it is very school-of-JCA circa the 1980s and early 90s; one of my notes says somebody has been listening to Nixon in China. And, you know, that is a good thing! Nixonis one of the great postwar scores, and you ought to listen to it, especially if you are writing an opera about a public individual, because it is the progenitor of every other such opera in the last 30 years. I would say that the most successful and memorable stretches of music in the opera are the many purely orchestral sections and the two duets between Jobs and Woz. By duets, I mean non-conversational sections where the two men are really singing together and bouncing off one another. And right there, I am starting to get at some of the problems with the opera. So, the libretto is a big problem, and so is the length of the opera, and of course I have no way of knowing the process by which Steve Jobsbecame a one-act, 90-minute opera with no fewer than 18 brief scenes. But it is too short for what it is trying to accomplish and it misses a couple of golden opportunities to properly develop the female characters in keeping with the overall plot, which is ostensibly supposed to show not only how Apple and Jobs revolutionized tech, but how Jobs evolved (and presumably improved) as a person. I have been wondering since the performance whether Steve Jobswas originally a two-act opera that got reduced in size along the way. One reason for this is that at around the 50 minute mark, there is a section that dramatically and musically sounds exactly like the close of a typical first act. The music reaches a huge climax and the libretto sets up some kind of significant dramatic conflict. My notes unfortunately do not say where in the opera this is, so you will have to wait until the CD release (yes, there is one coming) before I can pinpoint its location, unless one of my fellow ink-stained wretches has also commented on this and has more detailed notes than I do. In any event, the libretto does rather rocket around, geographically and temporally. It shifts from 2007, when Jobs was already sick with the cancer that eventually killed him, back to the 1970s, forward to the 1980s and 90s. Sometimes you are outdoors, sometimes in a home or office. It is very cinematic, and given its length and familiar subject, it is in some way exemplary of the sort of thing Greg Sandow was espousing a decade ago as the future of opera. (Note: I didnt agree then and I dont agree now. The success of productions of the Ringand Troyensare evidence that operagoers have a long enough attention span that 90 minute operas do not need to become the norm.) The many short scenes encourage a telegraphic survey of the events and they really short-circuit the character development we are supposed to be seeing in Jobs. We get plenty of scenes of Jobs-the-jerk, in how he treats Chrisann when she becomes pregnant and in his treatment of Apple employees. He is truly horrible to Chrisann, blaming her for the pregnancy and ordering her to get an abortion.How can you do this to me?he sings, as though it was deliberate and he had nothing to do with it. Get rid of it. Heres the first big miss in the libretto: its the perfect setup to give Chrisann an aria of some combination of regret, longing, shock, confusion, and rage (take your pick; I can imagine any of these). Bates and Campbell duck it, and the next we see her, its years later and Chrisann, broke while supporting herself and their daughter, begs Jobs for some financial assistance...which he refuses. (Yess, he is an asshole.) Heres the second big miss: Laurene Powell comes along; she and Jobs fall in love and marry; he turns into a better person. But all we get about how and why is that she is someone who kicks his ass when he is a jerk. She is a counterbalance to his worst self. Well, so? This is not really anything extraordinary! It is not uncommon in long relationships for the partners to call out each others bad behavior and ask or demand better. And in the Jobs marriage, this is very briefly conveyed even though there is a hint, at least, that they may have once nearly broken up over his behavior. Missed opportunity: an aria for Laurene about what the relationship felt like to herand what she needed from him. Also missed: an aria of self-reflection from Jobs himself! There just isn't anything really persuasive, merely a bunch of hints and aphorisms about how he becomes a better person. We need a window into his interior life and we do not get it. Yes, this would take something long, in an opera where the scenes average five minutes in length. I rather suspect it would take an aria the length of Tu che le vanita, which might be Verdis longest, and greatest, aria. All of this really limits the extent to which we can be movedby Jobss life and transformation. We see very little about it that is intimate or convincing, and without that, we are entertained but not moved. Oh, I see you asking, but what about the spiritual mentor? Well, we dont get much from that direction, either. Some aphorisms, some humor, some really embarrassing moments. Like Chrisann and Laurene, he is more a prop in the story than he is a real person. You could say I am made uncomfortable by this: Woz is the best-developed secondary character, and that is a big problem given that it seems that this is a redemption story in some way, and the redeemers are Laurene and Otogawa. I do own that Woz is well-developed and truly a mensch; he is the guy who behaves well when Jobs does not. There are some other embarrassing aspects to the libretto: some of those Jobs/Otogawa conversations take place in 2007 and 2009, and Otogawa died in 2005 trying to save his young daughter from drowning. Jobs witnesses his own memorial service and comments on it. This comes across as mawkish sentimentality. More profoundly, we never see or hear a word about Jobs's kids, beyond Laurene lamenting that they miss him when he's working hard and is never home. We get a one-liner about how he and Laurene "adopted" Lisa, his daughter with Chrisann. She was thirteen years oldwhen Powell and Jobs married, so you really want to know what exactly that throwaway line means. His relationship with her, and perhaps Laurene's, would have been more complex than you can convey in a couple of sentences; in this opera, he spends way ore time denying paternity than he does relatingto his child. [Updates follow] Since i wrote the bulk of this review, I've had a couple more thoughts on potential additions to the opera that could improve it dramatically and emotionally. The first is that although Fitzgerald's famous line about second acts is quoted, the opera skips entirely over Jobs's amazing second and third acts: after he was booted from Apple, for good reasons, he went on to found NeXT Computer, fund Pixar as an independent company, and return to the company to rescue Apple from the hole his successors let it fall into. These are astonishing accomplishments by any standard, but there isn't a word about it. He is just mysteriously back at Apple presenting the iPhone, with no explanation. This is a blank that needs some type of filling in. I mentioned this to Joshua Kosman last night before Le Coq d'Or, and he made the persuasive argument that leaving this out means the opera never presents Jobs riding in as the white knight, which would interrupt the story of his personal evolution. True, and yet it's an awfully big part of his legend and revolution. I referred a couple of times above to Nixon in Chinaand some musical aspects of Steve Jobsthat come from that trailblazing and brilliant opera. I've never much liked JCA's reasons for using amplification; to a great extent I think it boils down to his distrust of singers and discomfort with operatic singing style. Other composers need not adopt these views: if singers can be heard over Richard Strauss's enormous orchestras, so can present-day singers. Trust your singers, ask them questions, work with them about what their strengths and weaknesses are. One reason Nixon in Chinais so successful is its amazing libretto, by the poet Alice Goodman. For the libretto, she didn't write lines for Richard Nixon; she invented a character "Richard Nixon" and gave him an inner life and thoughts that are true to Richard Nixon while clearly being her imagined version of the man. Steve Jobs, the character in Steve Jobsthe opera, remains opaque and somehow unknown because Mark Campbell takes him literally - except for the embarrassing business with Otogawa and so on - and does not succeed in expressing Jobs's inner life in a way that illuminates the life the man lived. [End updates] I mentioned earlier that this is the third opera I've seen with a Campbell libretto. The others also have significant dramatic weaknesses. In the case of Kevin Puts's Silent Night, I must say that I am not familiar with the source material, a film that is evidently popular and moving. I found the opera episodic and dramatically diffuse, and without seeing the film, I can't say whether it was because the libretto too closely recreates the film. (I also did not love the music.) The other opera is Laura Kaminsky's As One, which has gorgeous music and a libretto co-written by Kimberly Reed and partly based on her life. I wrote extensively about As Onewhen West Edge Opera performed it in 2015; I won't repeat those comments here. I want to note that some of the best parts of the libretto were the funniest, which led me to think that Campbell could write an excellent comic libretto. That led me to wonder why there aren't more operatic comedies being commissioned and composed. People need to laugh as well as cry! In closing, I think that The (R)evolution of Steve Jobs is pretty successful, with attractive, inventive, and entertaining music, an outstanding production, and admirable performances all around. Michael Christie conducted and did a fine, fine job, perhaps excepting one episode that is just too loud (but maybe Bates is to blame for this). I predict that it will sell plenty of tickets in its future runs at San Francisco Opera and Seattle Opera, and that is a good thing. I also think it's possible that it will get some revisions in the next few years, and I do think it can be significantly deepened and made more emotionally satisfying. I would want a better sense of what was going on inside Jobs himself, who remains enigmatic to the end.