#I express myself in a way that makes people believe I’m an angry person

[avpdpossum]

one of the most frustrating parts of avpd for me is that i can get so angry — i mean want-to-put-my-fist-through-a-wall-or-maybe-a-face angry, have-to-stop-myself-from-crashing-my-car angry, like scary angry — and i can’t do anything about it. i’d bet most of the people who know me would laugh at the idea of me being that angry because it’s so far off from anything i could ever express.

not that i would want to act on those urges, but i can’t even say that i’m angry out loud, much less raise my voice or god forbid slam a door. it just all builds up inside of me until there’s so much of it that it gets violent and i spend hours just sitting there with my eyes closed imagining what it’d feel like to scream at the top of my lungs or destroy everything in my room or leave with no intention of ever coming back again. all i can do is fantasize about what it would feel like to be angry the way everyone else gets to be angry until it gets so bad that it’s not just the way everyone else gets angry, it’s something worse than that. my therapist once told me she thought i needed to learn how to get angry, and i didn’t know how to tell her that i can get angrier than she would ever believe, it just lives inside my head and never gets to come out the way everyone else’s does.

and if you’ve never felt it, you can’t even imagine the kind of resentment that turns into, the way you start to hate everyone around you so much you want to see them hurt or even dead, because why do they get to be loud and angry and show it off to the world when you can’t? how dare they be so goddamn frustrating and piss you off so much when you know deep down that they would hate you for ever showing it?

i’ve imagined the catharsis of getting loud and destructive since i was little because something furious has been burning the inside of my mind for my entire life and it will never stop because it will never have anywhere to go. it makes me feel like a horrible person, like the kind of person who might just snap one day and do something awful, and i guess i just have to live with that.

[calaisreno]

Classified

It’s Schrödinger’s wedding. 

1952 Words / Prompt: Jealousy

We’re sitting among the boxes of invitations, the venue’s brochures, and several dozen napkins folded into Sydney Opera Houses. John looks exhausted, and now that Mary’s gone home, I’ve suggested a break. 

I pour John a glass of scotch and hand it to him, struggling for the right words to open this discussion. If I’m not careful, it could end badly.

Sinking into my chair, I simply say, “Don’t.” 

John swallows a mouthful of whisky. “Don’t what?”

He looks confused. Of course. I’m terrible at this. Sentiment, feelings, honesty.

“Don’t… marry her.”

John sighs. “Sherlock.”

“Please, John. Just don’t.”

Confusion has given way to stubbornness, and of all people, John Watson is the most stubborn person I’ve ever known. It’s hopeless, ridiculous that I even brought this up. But it has to be said.

That night at the Landmark, when John was trying to strangle me, I promised myself that I would stop lying to him. Stop shading the truth. Just be honest. Who deserves the truth more than John, who grieved for two years, thinking his best friend was dead?

Best friend. More than I ever expected to have from this stubborn, loyal, surprising man who has always followed me, even after I broke his heart. He deserves the truth. 

And I deserve nothing. But I can’t let the man I love be hurt again, even if it means… well, I hope this won’t be our last conversation.

“What is this about?” John’s face wears that dogged expression. 

“I love you,” I begin. “And I’ve hurt you too much to pretend this is fine.”

John’s eyes widen, then narrow. “You love me. What am I supposed to do with that?”

“You called me your best friend. I don’t care what you make of it—“

“You don’t do feelings. Married to your work, grit on the lens—“

“You’re not the only one who’s grieved, John. Yes, I do have feelings. And I would be prepared to set them aside, to accept that I do not deserve your love, but I owe you the truth.”

“You love me.”

It’s bad enough that John seems to be stuck on you love me. That isn’t even the point right now. (Note to self: next time, lead with your wife-to-be is probably an assassin.) 

“Yes. Which is why I’m about to tell you the last thing you want to hear right now.”

“I’m about to get married, Sherlock! Why are you doing this now— you’ve never given me the tiniest clue that you even considered me a friend. I don’t have friends. Remember that? What is this— are you jealous? Is that what this is about?” 

I’m terrible at this. I’ve vowed to be honest, not to keep John in the dark all the time, and all John is taking from this is that I’m jealous. 

I try again. “You’re about to marry a woman you don’t know. A woman who is lying to you.”

Now John’s wearing his isn’t this ironic face. “Oh, well, I suppose I should be used to people who love me lying to me! You’ve given me plenty of practice, you know.”

“I realise my apology for that is inadequate. I understand that you will never return my feelings, and I will live with that. I’m not jealous. Marry whomever you want, John— just not her. She’s not who she claims to be. I’m telling you this because I believe you’re in danger.”

“All right, then.” Still angry, but also curious. “Tell me. Who is she?”

“I don’t know yet. I do know that she’s not Mary Morstan, who was stillborn in 1972 and buried in Chiswick Cemetery. The night I met her, I deduced that she’s hiding something, so I went to Mycroft. While I was gone, he was supposed to keep an eye on you because we believed Moriarty’s organisation might still take action against you. When I realised that she was not who she said she was, I gave him an earful for letting an unknown close to you.”

“And what did he say?”

“Nothing. He wouldn’t tell me anything about her. Classified. Which tells me most of what I needed to know. He knows exactly who she is, which suggests that she’s an agent of some sort, probably freelance. She may have done work for the British government, which would be how he knew her.”

He rolls his eyes. “You’re an agent of the government, I believe. Don’t even try telling me you weren’t working for your brother these past two years. Maybe she doesn’t have clearance to tell me what kind of work she did.”

“But she hasn’t even mentioned it, has she? She told you she’s a nurse. And she’s using a name that’s not her own. You’re marrying her, John— the fact that she’s assumed a false identity—“

“—means that she’s in some sort of witness protection. That she doesn’t have clearance to tell anyone.“ Annoyed, but not in denial. Uncomfortable now that he’s thinking about it. 

“Mycroft would have said if that were the case. And he would have threatened me to keep my hands off. The fact that he’s said nothing means that she’s part of an active investigation. And most likely not currently working for the British government. If she were, he would have said.”

John is silent. 

“Ignorance is not bliss, John. You made that point quite forcefully the night I returned.”

“She’s active?” He looks dazed. 

“Mycroft wouldn’t say. But it’s not the kind of work anyone actually leaves behind.” 

“And you’re telling me this now? You couldn’t have said sooner? Christ, we’ve started planning the wedding!” Angry again.

“I wasn’t sure. I’m more certain now, though.”

John has reached his limit. “I… I’ve got to go. I can’t deal with this now. Just… I’m going.” He grabs his coat, stuffs his arms in the sleeves, and marches out the door.

… (Continues below cut)

I return from buying milk (I really must be losing my mind if I’m going to the shops, but tea requires milk and sugar and Mrs Hudson is still showing her displeasure at my inexplicable return by not running errands for me) and find Mycroft sitting in my chair. He knows, of course, which chair is mine and which is John’s, and is making a statement whose meaning I can guess. Power dynamics: my chair. 

Considering who’s paid the rent for the last two years, it actually is Mycroft’s chair. I make tea, hand a mug to Mycroft, and sit in John’s chair. 

“Well, brother.” He gives me an appraising look. 

I’m used to the evaluation; it happens every time I see my brother, that once-over to determine if (a) I’ve relapsed, (b) I’ve done something else Mycroft will regret, or c) I’m about to lie about something not covered under (a) or (b). The best way to side-track this is to get on his nerves.

“This is about John, isn’t it?” I blow on my tea. “Otherwise you would have called.”

“He came to see me yesterday, directly from seeing you. Asking what I knew about Mary Morstan. Now, where did he get the idea that she’d been lying to him, if not from you?”

“You didn’t swear me to silence.”

Mycroft sips his tea, but says nothing. He’s very good at keeping his own counsel. 

“I asked him not to marry her,” I say. “I don’t have any real proof, other than what I told him, but reasoned that it would be better not to leave it until the last moment. I’m wondering, though, why you were willing to let it happen. You let her close to John, when it’s obvious she was planted in his surgery because of me.”

Mycroft smirks. “You don’t think it was Dr Watson’s charms that drew her to him?”

“Mary Morstan isn’t like the others. Who is she working for?”

“I don’t know.”

“But you can guess.”

“I’m not giving you an unfounded hypothesis, Sherlock. The matter is still classified.” He shifts in his seat, watching me, then relents a bit. “You’re not wrong about her. But we cannot afford to tip her off yet. The marriage will be invalid, of course.”

(Note to self: Kill Mycroft.)

“This should never have happened. John is not a chess piece, a thing to be sacrificed for your game. Now, go away. I don’t want to talk to you until you can give me some answers.”

Without a word, Mycroft stands, tucks his umbrella under his arm, glares at me, and leaves. 

…

It’s night, and I’m walking. No particular destination, just around the park until I’m too tired to walk further. 

When I finally open the door of 221B, John is sitting on the stairs. 

He looks up at me, but doesn’t speak. And for once, I can’t read his look. Either he’s said something to Mary, or he hasn’t. She’s lied to him, or she’s told him the truth. He’s forgiven her or he’s broken it off. 

It’s Schrödinger’s wedding. 

I hang my coat by the door. He still hasn’t spoken, but budges over to make room for me.

“You said you love me.”

“Yes.”

“You promised not to lie.”

“I’m not lying. I do love you.”

“I mean, about Mary.”

“I spoke with Mycroft. She’s part of an active investigation, as I guessed. He wouldn’t give me details.”

“Jesus. And you love me.” 

I feel his eyes on me, but say nothing. Either he accepts it, or he doesn’t.

“You told me you were married to your work. That’s a pretty clear signal you weren’t interested. Why did you say that?”

“Because I was a coward. And soon you were dating women, which was also a clear signal, and there wasn’t any point in bringing it up again.”

“When you say love, what do you mean?”

“I want you to be happy. If that’s with someone other than me, fine. But someone who’s lying to you cannot make you happy.”

He leans closer, his shoulder against mine. “And what would make you happy? If you could have anything you want?”

“A locked room triple homicide, no murder weapon.”

He gives a low chuckle. “Idiot. I mean, what do you want from me?”

“Whatever you’ll give me. I’m prepared to be your friend for life, if that’s what you want.”

“Nothing more? Just friends? Not romantic?”

No lies, not now. “Yes, I want more. I want you to live here, to sleep in my bed, yes— with all that entails. To never leave me. But I will take what I can—”

“Yes. All of it.”

It’s my turn to be silent. 

He rubs his eyes. Sleepless night. “I told her I couldn’t marry her. You’d best let Mycroft know if he’s trying to suss her out. She’s already packing her bags.”

“Did she tell you what she is?”

“I didn’t ask. I just told her I was in love with you.”

I feel as if I’ve been punched in the gut. No, I feel like what I imagine when I think of kissing John. Breathless, heart-pounding. 

“Are you in love with me?”

“I thought you knew.” He smiles, takes my hand in his own. “Yes, I am.”

My voice shakes. “And what did she say?”

“She already knew.” His smile broadening, John leans in. 

The kiss is better than any I could imagine. 

He doesn’t let go when it ends. “So, if I’d decided to marry her anyway…” He grins. “What was your plan for that?”

The truth. I promised. “I was going to kidnap you.”

He gives me a smouldering look. “You could still do that.”

(Note to self: I’m going to have to get used to John Watson’s love language.)

...

Read/comment on AO3

[mikanotes]

my love, mine all mine

xiao x gn!reader — 1.5k words.

genre: angst, comfort, not at all established relationship but the feelings are there

warnings: mentions of death, implied (kinda) stalking (nothing bad), reader is not the traveler (reader is never the traveler with me)

synopsis: Xiao struggles and attempts to understand why he shouldn't constantly be watching over you.

author's note: no way i'm back? that's crazy

Xiao doesn’t believe it’s odd to make sure the only person he truly cares for is doing well at all times.

“You’ve been following me.” you say, and there’s an accusatory edge to your voice despite the calmness of it. Xiao feels it cut his skin. It’s uncomfortable enough to make him rethink his choices for a second.

But he doesn’t understand. “No.” he states, flat. It’s a blatant lie but the tone of your voice makes him feel like he shouldn’t be completely honest, right now. “I come when you call my name. As we agreed.” he adds, for good measure.

You tilt your head to the side, eyes never leaving his. It’s like you’re trying to read him. No matter how nervous it makes him feel, he’s certain his gaze does not betray him. He looks as uninterested as he usually does. And surely, you sigh and return to your original position, seemingly a bit confused.

“That isn’t true.”

Xiao gulps. He furrows his eyebrows, features pulling into a slight scowl. His expression urges for further explanation.

“I mean,” you sigh, crossing your arms. Your eyes move elsewhere as you think. “You’ve come to help me several times before, without me even calling your name. There’s no point in denying that.”

“I was nearby.” he counters, “Should I just ignore you, then?” his voice turns to a scoff, now. He’s annoyed. Or just trying to cover anxiousness.

“Xiao.” you say, and your voice is soft but it sounds like a warning. “Let’s not do this. Just be honest with me. You’re following me.”

He looks away, his expression faltering. He looks more upset than irritated, now. The crowds of people walking around Liyue Harbor are a dull noise background to this scene. He wishes it was less full of people, more peaceful— Though you’re standing near the entrance gate, and it’s much quieter there. He wants time and space and silence to process his thoughts, and yours, and his emotions, and yours. He’s not usually this picky, but he wants to understand properly.

He just needs to make sure you’re okay. He has the ability to do so whenever he isn’t busy, so he figures he should. But the way you’re talking about this makes him think this isn’t considered regular behavior to… Normal people.

He thinks about the best way to word this before he speaks. It takes a while.

“… I don’t want to lose you.” he almost whispers, voice so soft it could easily be lost to the noise in the background. He doesn’t meet your gaze, no matter how persistent it is. He wants to say why, he wants to insist that he just needs you to be safe, wants to tell you that he’d be willing to spend every second of his life making sure you’re alright if he had the time—

“I’ll quit watching over you so much if you really dislike it.” — He settles for this. After all, he shouldn’t be overstepping any boundaries. But he’s unfamiliar with humans. He’s not used to what is too much, and the opposite. When it comes to you, it gets so much worse. He’s never cared this much— Not in centuries, probably not ever.

“I can take care of myself.”

Xiao almost feels angry, and it shows in his eyes when he looks back up at you. “You’re mortal.”

You give him a look. “And I’m alive. I can take care of myself.”

“And you could die.”

“So could you.”

Xiao stammers slightly and looks away, closing his lips. He wants to say you’re not half as careful as he is, but it just isn’t true. There’s no excuses to use. He sighs sharply, before bringing his gaze back up to you. “Your point being?”

“That I don’t want you to die, either.” you exhale, eyes a bit wide. “I care about you and I want you to be safe— Hell, Xiao, you have no idea what it’s like watching you suffer so much and stay unable to do a single thing about it. I can’t help you, and I can’t even tell you to take a rest, because you’re terribly stubborn. It’s frustrating. And yet I go on with my life, because I have to.”

The wind blows. It’s cold.

He cannot count the times he’s watched the anxiety in your eyes each time he would come back to Wangshu Inn with more injuries than usual. He usually tries not to think about it, about how dismissive he tends to be of your own worries. Though now it feels like a slap in the face. What right does he have to insist on worrying so much when he doesn’t even let you? Still.

Xiao listens to every word and stares at you wide-eyed, before looking at the background. The lanterns are lit and the people of Liyue go on with their lives. They all have their worries, all have people they hold dear, and they go on with their lives. So do you.

“I’m an Adeptus. Unlike you, I have time to spend. Time to kill.” he says simply, “I’m willing to spend it on you. I don’t care if it’s a waste.”

“You can’t devote yourself to me.” you scoff, and it sounds like it should be a joke.

“I can, and I will. If you allow me.”

You look back at him and your expression’s unreadable. It softened, but Xiao cannot tell what you’re feeling. At all.

“… And I won’t, if you insist.” he adds slowly, tone careful.

A long silence follows, and it’s hard for Xiao to tell what’s on your mind. He feels like he hasn’t felt this scared in a long while, and it feels ridiculous. He fights deadly creatures from the Abyss every day and night, yet he’s never felt his heart beat so painfully against his ribcage. No, not even the events of his self-sacrifice and the certainty of what should have been his own death made him feel this way.

He doesn’t like feeling anxious around the person he considers more important than life itself— Though he supposes it just goes to show how important you are. Otherwise, he would not even bother caring.

“No one enjoys being followed. Just come see me as you normally would.” you finally say, and there’s a small smile on your face. Xiao doesn’t know humans well, but he knows you. And he can tell at the very least that you have no intention to tell him to never see you again— That you hold no ill feelings towards him. You’re not angry, thank the Archons.

He breathes out quietly, relieved, and nods slowly. “Then I’ll stop.” he speaks with certainty. He will. He will stop. He’ll… Shorten his visits. Make them less frequent. Make himself known, like you said. 

Maybe just… Go to you and ask to spend time together. Is that what’s normal? He figures it is.

His gaze wanders to your hand and he suddenly grabs your wrist, gentle, but firm enough to pull you along with him. He hears you yelp in surprise but walks all the way outside the gates of Liyue Harbor.

He stops at a familiar spot and sighs. There, all he hears is the sound of the sea, and all that is alive is you, him, and the nature around. 

There, he feels more at ease. So his hand slips down from your wrist to your own hand, fingers wrapping around yours carefully. It isn’t the first time your hands intertwine, and Xiao prays each time that it’ll never be the last. There’s times you tell him the way he looks at your hands is the way a lover does. Xiao does not know love. He doesn’t care about a name to put on what you two have, either.

He looks up at you. “Always be careful.” he says, eyebrows furrowing— I won’t be there as much, then be careful so I’ll know I don’t need to worry.

He just knows he needs to be there for you. Always.

You wrap your arms around him slowly, setting your chin on his shoulder. Xiao closes his eyes and feels himself relax into your hold. His hands move to hold you, as careful as usual. He needs to die like this, he thinks, that’s the only good way to go. No heaven would dare compare to this.

“Please.” he adds, quieter. His voice almost sounds shaky, and he doesn’t even realize the word that slipped out. But he feels you nod against his neck.

“I’ll be careful.”

Xiao feels vulnerable in your hold. Weak. It’s something he would usually hate, but not when he’s around you. When you’re here, the feeling is warm, and comforting— It’s like he can finally allow himself rest.

Zhongli says home is where you can let your guard down. It’s a safe space. Xiao understands his home is not a place, but a person— his home is you. And he will always do anything in his power to ensure its safety. So his hold on you tightens, like a silent promise to do all that he can to ensure your wellbeing.

After all, you’re more important than anything else.

“Xiao.”

“Hm?”

“Let’s stay like this for a while longer.”

“… Okay.”

Tales could be written about the unusually soft smiles of the Conqueror of Demons, about his love for a human being so much more important than the world itself. Alas, none will know about it, for you keep all these stories to yourselves.

[demonqueenart]

Evie, hi! First of all I want to thank you for spending your time and energy to write all those answers and posts. I'm amazed that you're still able to keep them understanding and kind, which makes it much easier to have this conversation. Thank you!

Your frustration with DnP's lack of reaction is justified and the next thing I'm about to say isn't me coming up with excuses on their behalf or telling you to stop talking about it. It just hurts to see a kind and gentle person like you get upset, so I'm trying to give some consolation, but I'm not too good at that, so sorry in advance if I fuck it up.

Please have patience. Not for their sake, for your own. We won't stop trying to make them acknowledge the racism, but it might take some time. Since their comeback our way of interacting with DnP has been kind of a black box - we talk about stuff on different platforms and then they suddenly mention it. So we know they saw us talking, but we don't know exactly when.

The last 2 weeks have been pure chaos: the leak, the rushed announcement, the wrong dates in the promo, the venues not giving enough info or giving wrong info. After tickets went on sale they only had 4 days before they fucked off to have their just-the-two-of-us-ranch-ingredients vacation.

What I'm trying to say is: their current silence doesn't necessarily mean that they saw us talking and chose to ignore it. Maybe they haven't seen it yet, maybe they are thinking about what to do and what to say. Also, unfortunately white people do need a bit of time to go from "this is an unreasonable attack, I'm not a bad person and they are just haters" to "it's not an attack, it's reasonable criticism and I was being the asshole this whole time". I went through this process myself (and you were the one who helped me understand). Sorry it took me that long.

This isn't me saying it's fine that they haven't addressed anything so far - it's not. Just please don't give up hope yet. They listened to us when it came to Palestine, I'm sure they'll listen now too.

Oh, and ignore all the fuckers who are telling you to either leave or shut up. You make the phandom a better and kinder space. I want you here and many others do too. Plus it's not like anyone gets to gatekeep the community in the first place. You have the right to be here.

From beautiful hellscape with love 💜

Anon 🥹 I felt so cared for because of you. Thank you so much 🫂🫂💞💞 I always want this space to be gentle and kind, even when I’m hurt and angry, I still want to understand where everyone is coming from. I believe that everyone deserves to have their voice being heard. Even when our voices clash and don’t always go together, we can still come to a new understanding, try to mend and build a bridge together. Fighting isn’t always the end of things, it’s when two sides trying to express how unfair the situation is so that they can come together.

And of course, you’re right. They might be quite busy as you’ve pointed out, it doesn’t always mean they’re not going to do anything. I think why I assumed for the worst is because this is very much a new territory for them to cross. They have never brought up their racist remarks, never tried to address or take accountability in things. I’m just afraid it’ll end up just like any other time before.

But having you speaking this to me have reassured that I’m not fighting alone in this. In some way or the other, I have cultivated the most understanding and generous people of all who’re willing to support me during the toughest time, and for that, I’m so grateful. Thank you for reaching out and giving me some consolation to reassure me. Your words will not be wasted :) Thank you so much for everything 🫂🫂💖💖

[plnkdemon]

I HAVE HEARD IT SAID THAT LOVE TURNS PEOPLE SOFT BUT I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE BRUTAL.

satan x gn!mc (but this is personal venting, so written to express the trauma of repressed female rage)

cw/tw: nothing, mc’s inner thoughts could be read as self-critical, one implication of trauma from family

please let me know if i’ve missed anything

“i’m not interested in being easy on the eyes. i want them to flinch, think twice before they reach out their callous hands to bruise. i want to be a constant reminder to men that not everything is theirs for the taking.”

“you’re beautiful,” satan whispers through the seam in the door. in my head we’re both sat with our backs against the wood like our very own scene from a movie, iconographic and symbolic of two sides of the same coin or some other allegorical bullshit that would make reality seem more impactful to the audience. “i mean, you always are but you make wrath look so breathtaking. i’ve never felt that way about my sin until i saw it on you.”

the echo of my laughter sounds watery and defeated. “it’s a family heirloom,” i admit to the image in my head of him.

“generational trauma. i read an article about that.”

cautiously, i slide my hand across the tiles so that my fingertips brush against his that still peek out from beneath the door. unlike the movie screen in my mind, his hand feels warm and calloused and his index finger has a groove from a scar long since healed.

“satan?” i call out even though i know he’s still there.

“yes?” he answers dutifully.

“do you hate me?” the question itches my throat from the raw vulnerability, but his presence gives me hope that one day i’d be able to speak like this face to face without feeling like acid is burning me from the inside out.

“no — “ his fingers curl around my own. “ — even when i hate you, i don’t hate you. even when i get so angry i could kill you, i can’t bring myself to leave a scratch on you. i love you when it’s easy and when it’s unbearable. even when we both hate each other, i’m completely and unconditionally in love with you.”

my breath catches as a sob escapes me. for once i don’t second-guess my rationality or trustfulness. instead, i believe him and while i’m still alone in that tiny bathroom with chipped tiles and stained grout, it doesn’t feel like i have to be anymore. satan’s hand flounders for a second when i pull away — most likely anxious that he’s said the wrong thing or revealed too much — until i turn the handle and open the door, falling into his arms with no doubt that he’ll catch me.

[the-exhausted-dumbass]

Hello everyone. I am the man that you all know as Panda. I ran the pandasanddragons blog. Most notoriously, you know me in association with “Rai” who is now going by Kip and by he/him pronouns. His tumblr blogs, as far as I know, are notaguyrai, slaps-and-scribbles, volcanic-penis, and terracotta-crockpot. He also made an Instagram account at one point. I don’t think he uses it anymore but it is boopyboopcoup. I have been able to prove with certainty that me and Kip are not the same person. I had a voice call with @theintrovertbean who had been in voice calls with Kip and was gracious enough to join me in one so that I could prove once and for all that we are different people. @iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia was present during the call as well to serve as a mediator and can also confirm this information.

If you are not familiar with the situation, the original callout post is here.

I want to say that I am so sorry for everything. I let myself get caught up in all of this. I let Kip do horrible things, and encouraged him. I helped him, and I am deeply, exceptionally ashamed of that. I know that nothing I do can ever truly fix what I’ve done. I know that I messed up. I have no excuses for that. It was more terrible than I have words for. You don’t have to forgive me, I don’t expect you to either. But you all deserve a real apology. Not the fake bullshit one I had originally made.

Those posts original apology posts I made were made to try and cover things up, and to try and work out ways out of the whole situation. Those posts were also in some ways an attempt to pull all the blame onto myself, and take it off of Kip so he could keep doing whatever he wanted to do.

This did all truly start with a miscommunication, I vented to Kip. He decided he needed to do something and eventually we both got called out for that in August. Even before that, though, I had started to resent him. Afterwards, it all got worse. If I wanted to talk about it, he would brush me off. He would tell me that since it had already happened, there was nothing to talk about. And we started to argue more, I started to get more distant and he got angry about it.

I also want to apologize for my old blog. I originally made it so that I could make a post about my own opinion/analysis/whatever of Asra and Julian. I didn’t expect to get any attention and I hadn’t even planned on making more than one post. Kip encouraged me to keep posting, he helped me with the blog a lot. But I never wanted to just be a hater or be inflammatory with that blog. And so I am sorry for everyone who I hurt or upset with those posts.

The rest of this post discusses Kip, what he’s done, and my experience with him. Some of it is…a bit graphic and absolutely disgusting. But I feel it’s important to put it all out there. This is the last post I am going to make. After that, I’m leaving this fandom entirely and completely.

Recently, Kip has become active again, trying to cause harm to the Arcana fandom. This had brought attention to me, and to old posts I had made to vent about the situation and lead people to believe that the account was Kip and the source of the harassing messages.

I have decided to come forward with what I know about Kip and his current whereabouts, little as that may be. I do not want to run away from this situation anymore and let him have continued power over me.

I had at one point believed Kip to be my best friend and so I trusted him. I vented to him, I confided in him. I now believe that he saw me as not a person but as a toy. There were times when he would ask me to send messages to people, usually harmless. But he would also ask me to harass people on his behalf. When I expressed that I wasn’t comfortable with that, he would often call me a coward. I told him I sent things so he would leave me alone. He would even get angry with me for not wanting an ongoing conflict with someone I had had a slight miscommunication with. He was always pushing me into things because he “stupidly believed” that I was finally gaining confidence

Kip heavily manipulated me to believe that he was right, that he cared about me, and that anything he was doing was for my honor, as he put it.

He would often belittle me, implying that I was stupid or inferior to him, and also often ignored my boundaries. Much of this came in the form of talking about our OC’s. Often times, Kip would tell me that he was horny. He would then proceed to write about how his OC would assault mine. I participated and I wish I hadn’t. Because it was horrible and I never actually enjoyed it. Kip viewed my OC as his own personal sex toy. He wanted to write “dead dove” content about my OC. I had expressed not liking an idea he was writing out, and he ignored it and kept going with the scenario. I even framed it as my OC’s boundaries but it all went ignored and he would continue. I would try to steer it in a more palatable direction. But that turned into Kip wanting my OC to assault his.

After a creator was sent suicide bait, and a different user, wanting to defend them, came to my blog saying it had been me, I panicked. All I knew was that I had not sent anything like that, and I wanted people to know. It was then doubled down that I did it, with reblogs stating it, several non anon asks, and several anon asks. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I wanted to just delete the blog and be done with it all. Kip, however, told me that many people loved that blog and I should leave it up so they could revisit if they wanted to. So he offered taking it so that I could have some peace while everyone else got to still have access to the blog as an archive. After that I had no control over or access to that blog. In some respects, Kip had access over all of my socials, or at least my tumblr blogs. He would tell me to send asks to people, and I would as long as it was harmless. I never sent anything that would have been harassing or cruel and he called me a coward for it.

Kip often edited my posts, he had access to them before they were posted, he read pretty much anything I posted before I posted it, and put his own suggestions into them.

Some of these images may be a bit blurry, but I needed to put them together since I’m on my phone. These images are from the discord server that me and Kip shared. After the initial call out post, I deleted my old account and joined the server from a new account. So the “deleted user” is me, and I took screenshots from the new account.

This group of images is Kip describing how everyone has always been nothing it a social experiment to him, myself included

This group of images is how Kip liked to abuse my OC. Mostly starting with things like “Your OC is afraid of [x] right? So what if…” it got intense and this is the most mild of it all.

This one is specifically something Kip came up with because both me and my OC share a fear of being pregnant

These images are of Kip…generally manipulating and guilting me. And getting upset that I had wanted to apologize for everything

Kip guilt tripping me, riling me up, and just being awful in general

More guilting, and mistreatment. Things that hurt, and in the top left corner, when this all started. And I told Kip to drop it all. And of course, that he was angry with me for making amends with someone immediately instead of holding a grudge and being mean to them.

These last two are our last conversations. I was angry at him and I finally confronted him about everything. And of me having had doubts, having been disgusted with myself about everything that happened and Kip telling me that we were doing the right thing.

[alisdump]

ok now let me do a quick and >personal< review since we reached this point which was crucial for me

differently for everyone i had such a negative reaction per knowing we had gained a remake for gmm2024 but my stand is because i truly disliked the original version back then. like it was that serious for me at that time

i didn’t like the execution of idas character at all but kept pushing (mind you i was watching it weekly like everyone else, cm had just finished airing and i had hope for what japan was giving) then that teacher plot came up and it left me so disgusted, i literally had to drop because it made me angry, year was 2021 things were changing a lot everywhere else, so getting a plot like that was very much a regress but everyone was so ok with everything (and still is somehow ????) i didn’t like how every little thing ida did was a major reason for aoki to drop him and discard everything they had been building (manga and series) is like they don’t even try and the get together wasn’t even believable anymore, i eventually came back when last ep dropped just to see the outcome, left even more displeased, i have such a hard time believing they liked each other (in series) or at least aoki truly liked ida (in manga) at all in the end

so that’s where i was coming from, took my time (one hour that day hehe) and told myself to trust them because Every Time gemini and fourth makes me bite my tongue (not different this time i’m so happy) and i love the way gemini portraits kongthap, he took good look in the original material and said Well not for me, and did his own way, kongthap truly feels so fresh and real, he’s just your average quiet nerd boy that knows very little about life, is easy to see him fall in love, and those things felt more heartwarming, atom’s way for falling in love is so real and quite pure too, they’re confused about a lot but never about each other, love they have more time to talk and open their hearts to each other, they’ve so much more understanding of what it means, this very little thing they insert themselves into, a daring step, but so beautiful nevertheless, kongthap never belittling atom or making fun of his attraction for him, understanding his quirks and finding it cute the way he express himself, atom seeing the serious side of kongthap that he says that everyone finds it as a flaw and then atom is here embracing it fully, the very thing that makes him enchanted for him in the first place, they love in different ways but on the same frequency! no one is left behind, everyone should have a place to love.

[kongthap’s ‘isn’t what we are facing right now already a problem?’ fills with so much joy!! he’s my little boy who wants to solve things, find a common ground so they can have a healthy relationship!! he failed once in letting atom slip away, but now he knows, they both know!! “i will discuss things with you before i do anything” i was about to get the fireworks and lit them myself]

if you truly take a minute to the minutiae of it, on kongthapatom’s reality they’re very much alone, atom didn’t have to fight his affection for kongthap growing inside him but acknowledged them very early and pursued it, but there’s no one else like him there, no one he can look up to, he had mudmee of course, and after much internal fighting, half, but they can only do this much about this path he’s walking now. it looks like his fears is his alone but he fears so much more about kongthap, he’s desperately trying to shield him (like kongthap did for him in episode 2) he doesn’t want people to think bad about thap, that’s why things inside the school are harder for him, he would take the blame, says he’s the one at fault, that he’s the one who tarnished kongthap’s pristine image, we have seen it twice, with mudmee, with kongthap, he would choose his loved one happiness before his own in a heartbeat always

striping a homophobic teacher plot that would only make everything more violent for atom and instead giving him (and us) intergenerational queer couples!! everything that atom needed, to see he’s not alone! he’s not the odd one, somebody to look up to, the fact that one is his teacher, that he valued so much, the fact his partner is the one that makes atom find his career path is so important to me (and to him) like this little chance is so much bigger i’m so happy for this adaptation choices, always so on point!!

[aestheticsfandomsandmore]

I noticed many people are feeling pretty angry at the writers right now, for how they handled PatPran’s conflict. First of all, for introducing us to Pat’s fear (I don’t want to admit to myself that I can’t live without him) without every really foreshadowing it; second of all, for having Pran say that he’s insecure, that he doesn’t feel enough, that he believes Pat puts more effort in their relationship than he does (and well, all of this was already pretty obvious from other scenes in both Bad Buddy and this crossover), but then having him do nothing about it and wait for Pat to be the first to say, ‘I can’t live without you’. 

I will try to explain these scenes and the reasons behind them, but I do want to clarify something first: unlike the 12 Bad Buddy episodes, these ones were rushed, and not as well written. I’m not as disappointed as other people and I don’t think they ruined the show and/or the couple with these specials, but I do wish they’d done a better job conveying these messages. 

Pat loves playing the hero, even Pran tells him (in episode 11) that it’s one of the reasons why he likes him. 

We’re used to Pat being vocal about his love for Pran, and that’s what put so many people off—why would he feel insecure about saying those words out loud, when he’s always been sincere and has never had issues expressing his own feelings? And you’re right, of course, that’s one of the many differences between Pat and Pran’s personalities, as established in the show.

But! Pat telling Pran how much he loves him, Pat being there for him, Pat always taking Pran’s feelings into consideration and putting them first, Pat protecting Pran, Pat being ready to lose in case his win might put Pran in a tough situation, Pat yelling his adoration for Pran on the stairs of the Architecture faculty... all of this is a way for Pat to be Pran’s hero, to be the strong one, the one who’s willing to yield because he knows that’ll please his boyfriend, the one who’s straightforward and who never hides the way he feels. 

And yes, we did get some quotes from Pat in ep 11 about how much he likes that Pran always fights alongside him and never leaves him alone, but that speaks a lot about partnership, doesn’t it? We fight together, we go through stuff together and nobody can stop us as long as we’re together. 

But then Pran starts having doubts, shows his insecurities; he knows that Pat always being there for him is fine and all, but let’s not forget that Pran isn’t used to this. Yes, they’ve been together for three years, and they faced a lot together, helping each other out all the time, and that’s why now Pran feels like he can let his guard down next to Pat. When Pran says, in episode 1 of OS, ‘No matter what problem I face, you’re always there for me’, he means it, deeply, and he isn’t ashamed of it at all, or at least until he hears Pat and his friends making fun of it, making fun of how much he trusts Pat, to the point that he’d be willing to rely on him, something he’s obviously never done before. And while he knows those are not words Pat truly means, he can’t help but wonder: ‘Am I doing enough? Does Pat feel like I’m a burden to him? Doesn’t he believe I can get things done on my own anymore? Have I got too comfortable with thinking he’s always by my side that I’ve reached the point where I need him by my side?’

Because let’s not forget that Pat and Pran are individuals that got together by choice, and by choice only. Ever since they were kids, they chose to break their parents’ rules and become friends, they chose the hard way instead of the easy path. So they’re choosing to stay together, going through the trouble of hiding their relationship again, and maybe Pran starts wondering whether Pat still thinks it’s worth it (let’s not forget that Pat answers ‘I have no choice’ when Pran tells him he’s grateful for his presence, and while Pat just meant that they’re meant to be together, that he couldn’t not love Pran even if he wanted to, that might also come off as ‘It’s the way it is, I got used to it’).

And that’s why in ep2 of OS, when Pat reminds him that he wants to help him because he’s his boyfriend, not because Pran asked (not because he has to, or because Pran needs him to, but because he wants to, because his choice is to stay beside him) the mood immediately changes, to the point that Pran gets super comfortable with physical touch again and they’re even implied to be sexually active (which may not sound important, but we saw how brutally Pran pushed Pat away when he still wasn’t in the mood and was still hurt and Pat kissed him, so I think it’s actually very important). 

Pran is still obviously insecure—and can you blame him, really? Pran has been in love with Pat throughout his entire life, he thought the mere chance of having any sort of relationship with him was nothing more than a dream, and instead got exactly what he wanted. But he never thought he deserved it, or that he was enough for it. He is clearly uncomfortable with how different their bodies are (despite Pat being horny for him all the time! Which kind of proves the point that until you’re the one who fully believes in something, it doesn’t matter if anyone else around you tries to convince you: you’re still gonna doubt), he knows he’s ‘a lot to handle’ (as Pat tells him himself in ep11, and please do not get me started on Pran’s face when he asks Pat why he likes him, as if he’s thinking ‘honestly, why on Earth would someone like you love someone like me?’), he asks Pat if he ‘were good’ after they made love for the first time, although I’m pretty sure Pat showed his pleasure pretty evidently while they were at it. There are still days in which he doesn’t believe his own eyes, think about that little moment in ep1 of OS when Pat agrees to give him the auditorium and his eyes shine and flicker with the same lovesick expression he had back when they weren’t even dating. We see Pran getting confident around Pat because he knows Pat likes him, because he’s somehow reassured that his boyfriend enjoys the way he is, which allows him to be more comfortable in his own skin (think about how smug he acts during more than half of episode 1 of OS). His confidence shutters when he hears Pat say those words and laughing with his friends about them; I think it’s perfectly normal that he got insecure after that, despite being fully aware that Pat did not mean what he said. 

And then you have Pat, whose whole identity is shaped around the idea of being the perfect son, the coolest friend, the greatest rival in history, realizing that he doesn’t just want to be with Pran all the time, to take care of Pran and to be there for him, to cherish him and make him feel loved and desired. No, when he takes his time to think about Pran’s insecurities, he goes like ‘He’s the one who’s worrying over whether he needs me too much or not, when I’m literally nothing without him by my side?’

Pat can only be truly himself around Pran. Pat only shows his weaknesses to Pran. Pat is only clingy to Pran. Pat wants to help Pran because Pran’s his entire world. Sure, he likes to play the hero; he likes to be someone the people in his life can rely on, someone who can be anyone else’s rock; but all of that means nothing in the face of the idea of losing Pran. 

And it’s terrifying to admit it! One thing is to say, ‘I love you so much, you’re the most important person in my life, our relationship means the world to me’, and something else entirely is to say, ‘I can’t live without you’. Our parents will eventually find out and they might try to get in our way again? That’d break me, break me completely, do you understand? I don’t know how to function without you. That’s what ‘I can’t live without you’ really means, we can’t live without air, we can’t live without food or water, and that’s how much Pran means to Pat (and how much Pat means to Pran), and it doesn’t matter how vocal about his feelings Pat has always been, and it doesn’t matter that they both already know (as Pat tells Pran!): to say it out loud is a different story.

Especially when you think about how important to Pat and Pran is that they’re equals in their relationship. Think about how much Pat was insecure in ep1 of OS when he realized Pran was so confident about the whole ‘play-competition’ thing, how sad he got when his presentation went down bad and Pran got the sponsorship. What gets him all happy again? The realization that he doesn’t need to be better than Pran at everything; the realization that they’ll always be there to help each other out, that what Pran did with him—helping him visualizing things as something different from what they were—was really the same thing he did when he helped Pran visualize a bus-stop that wasn’t even there yet. That’s why he goes from being so worked up about winning the competion to being once again willing to give the auditorium to Pran. 

So why does Pran feel so bad at the idea of needing me, when I’m literally so sure that I do? That makes him feel uncomfortable, and doesn’t allow him to fully accept the idea that he needs Pran so much, when he he isn’t sure that Pran needs him all that much and when Pran seems so against the possibility of actually needing him (also, take into account how much Pat belives in Pran! He doesn’t doubt Pran will find a solution to him and Phupha being lost in the forest for one second! Sure, he’s worried about him, but he also knows Pran will always handle things one way or another, with or without his help).

I think the miscommunication is evident, because Pran’s issue wasn’t with needing Pat, but with the idea that Pat might be starting to feel like Pran was becoming a burden to him. That’s why they should have talked this out, because Pat ‘can’t read his mind’, as he very cleverly pointed out in ep6. But while PatPran do have an healthy communication going on, I don’t understand why people were so upset that Pran didn’t feel like spelling it out, when it’s really not the first time he does that? Pat and Pran just happen to always get each other in the end, often without any need for words to come out of their mouths. 

I think the main difference this time was that Pat needed an answer. Pran already got an answer to his insecurities when Pat told him he couldn’t live without him, and Pran already knew how Pat felt because Tian snitched had already told him about his conversation with Pat. So, ‘Am i doing enough? Is Pat getting tired of me? Is the way i handle things, the fact that he’s the one who usually yields, something that’s tiring him?’, very obviously no. Pat’s not getting tired of him, Pat could never get tired of him (when you think about it, it’s also kind of the meaning of the ost that Ohm sings, and that’s supposed to be Pat’s answer to Pran’s song). 

Pran doesn’t need any other answer, but Pat does. He doesn’t in ep11, when he so very genuinely gives that huge, emotional speech to Pran, to which Pran doesn’t reply a single word, and that’s perfectly okay because Pat doesn’t need an answer to that. But Pat does need an answer now, and you can see it from the way he’s so shy when he pronounces those last two words, from the way he looks at Pran craving for something, anything, that will make him feel like him needing Pran is okay, because Pran needs him too. So that’s what Pran tells him, nothing more, and nothing less—although, he does say a lot more, by literally resting his head on his shoulder, asking for physical support, and physically supporting him at the same time, because that’s who they are, that’s who they’ll always be. Pat telling Pran he can’t live without him makes Pran feel like it’s okay if he can’t live without him too, it’s not something he should be ashamed of or afraid of. It’s just the way they work. Yes, they chose to be together, and now they need to—and there is no shame in that.

And it may look like Pran’s not putting any effort into this, but he so clearly is. Pran’s crying, you guys! Even just saying those few words out loud isn’t easy for him, all considered. He’s always been the one having an harder time expressing what he feels, this is nothing new.

EDIT: I guess I should have written that his eyes were watery, not that he was crying, since there were no tears in sight. I’m sorry!

And things will kind of always stay this way, if you think about it. Think about how even in ep12, when they’have been dating for ages and are fully adults, Pat’s still the one who goes to Pran’s bedroom, never the other way around. And that’s not—don’t you dare say it—something that shows how much more Pat loves Pran than Pran loves him: it just shows that people can show their love to each other in different ways, and that’s okay. 

[hrts4hanniehae]

hi! i saw you were accepting match asks, tysm ♡

personality:

- i am a sentimental person! i keep receipts, tickets, and packaging for memory's sake. i love writing letters to my loved ones and giving them little gifts that remind me of them. i love making people playlists as well ♡

- i'm both introverted and extroverted! i love meeting new people and hearing about their lives, but i wouldn't necessarily be the life of the party.

- i've been through a lot of stuff in my life but i always choose kindness at the end of the day! i just love being kind for the sake of it ♡

- i'm a good listener! people say i have a lot of empathy and that i'm a very comforting person in general :>

- i can be perfectionistic and can pressure myself because of it >_<

- while i come off as a very nurturing person i yearn for someone who'd want to take care of me, a relationship where i don't have to be perfect to be loved ♡

hobbies & passions:

- i love art! i do illustration, design, and physical media like sewing ♡ i also love photography, especially picturing people's everyday lives and interactions with each other, almost like a slice-of-life film :>

- i love love making playlists, i literally have a playlist for any and every mood imaginable. i also love discovering new genres and doing deep dives hehe

- i love collecting trinkets! keychains, stickers, you name it. i think love is stored in the little things ♡

- i love cats and own one kitty ♡

music taste:

- i like listening to anything and everything honestly! i love k-rnb/indie, japanese indie, and ambient :3 my fav artists are yerin baek, crush, wave to earth, and i'm currently listening to lamp!

thank u so much and have a great day! ♡

Hi! Thank you for the request, @0310s

I would match you with…

Lee Jihoon!

The minute I read that you loved making playlists for people, I thought of Jihoon writing music just for you. The both of you have similar ways of expressing your love, which brings you both close together. I would like to think that both Jihoon and you being listeners would balance out because you can both learn to express and let it out with each other. I would also like to think that your writing letters to Jihoon would be his source of lyrics for the music he makes, so he can subtly show the world the love you have for him and how much he appreciates it. Both of you bring each other so much comfort through your love languages. 

The fact that you choose kindness every time makes Jihoon feel that you’re too good for this world. How can you not be angry or mean to people when they wrong you? He would find you so strong to always choose kindness.

Both of you are artists with different mediums. While he creates music in his music room, you would be sitting on the couch, sewing or designing things. Just your presence allows him to feel a sense of comfort. The fact that you think love is stored in the little things resonates deeply with him too, because he feels that love is stored in the music he writes. You make him things that store memories lasting a lifetime while he writes the music forever reminding/telling the world of the love between you two. 

Your wide variety of music tastes makes your shared playlist very lively. He loves watching you vibe to an upbeat song before immediately changing your mood when the next song, a sadder one, comes on. Then when a love song comes on, he would get up to dance with you. I’m inclined to believe that he sings to you as you’re falling asleep beside him. (I’m imagining his bed-head from that one GOSE ep now… he's way too cute)

I feel like your trope would be Black Cat (Jihoon) x Golden Cat (You). 

Thanks for requesting! Hope you liked it and sorry for taking so long!

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hello!!

I am so sorry 😭😭 I have a few things that I want to ask.

Let’s start with gender. I’ve been here a lot talking about my gender experience and how I feel somewhat connected to my agab being afab.

Personally, I hate when I am referred to as a girl/women. When my friends plan a ‘girls trip’ I get annoyed… when people assume I am a ‘young lady’ I get frustrated. I don’t get why I am like that specifically because it’s been as of recent (only about a year). Before that it never really annoyed it or maybe I just never thought much about the terms I was being referred to as.

Sometimes I feel as if I am faking my gender. Like I should just stop thinking about it and let myself be perceived as how I was born. But that feels wrong. But also doesn’t?

It feels wrong in the sense that I’ve spent a year thinking about gender and how I am not cis, that now I believe that I am not cis, but when I think about it again it’s like maybe I am just cis and I just want to show people that gender isn’t important and that people can dress how they want to without being perceived a specific binary gender etc.

In the past year I have felt comfortable thinking I was agender, but I still sometimes feel like I am just cis (minus the desire to want to chop off my tits 24/7).

That’s another thing. I only started feeling chest Dysphoria in the last 2 years. Before that I liked them… 😭😭 I hate saying that bc now they make me so angry and just the thought of them makes me feel sick.

This is me basically asking is if it is normal to doubt my gender or does it seem like I’m faking it.

Bc sometimes when I think about myself it’s as a girl and then when I think about it properly it’s like ‘ew why did I make my future self look like that’ bc I want to look visibly queer but my unconscious brain just perceives me as a girl.

Ok secondly, (I’m so sorry this might get really long) I’m questioning my sexuality?

I think it’s sexuality?

So I am bi. That’s a known fact. I’ve known that since 2021. But when I think about being in a relationship with someone it’s always so different to how other people perceive relationships. (I’ve never been in a relationship)

The thing is, I can’t imagine being intimate with anyone. Like it’s just weird. But I want it someday.

I read… a lot!! And I love reading all kinds of fluff that gets my stomach erupting with butterflies, I also love reading smut, it doesn’t make me feel grossed out or anything and I quite enjoy it.

It’s just when I picture myself with someone else it’s just like ‘nope, not for me’. BUT I DO WANT IT!!

Could this just be lack of relationship and experience or could I be on the ace spectrum.

I’ve looked at some of the terms and demisexual is kind of what I’m feeling but also not bc I do want to one day build a strong connection to someone and have a trusting relationship where I can express my love (ok yes that’s cringy to say but idk how else to word it).

I also have had crushes in the past but when I think about if I’d want to get to know them better it’s just a straight up ‘nope’ (that’s probably just my social anxiety tho)

and I’ve spoken to my sister about this relationship stuff and she is the same, like we both wouldn’t kiss someone after the first few dates and wouldn’t be thinking about anything further until there is a real bond.

Is this just lack of relationship? Am I just overthinking it too much?

Lastly, thank you so much Cas!! You are the most kind hearted person ever for always responding to my asks (yes I’ve asked a lot bc I crisis a lot) and honestly you’ve saved my life in so many different ways! I hope you have an amazing day/night!

🌼🌹🪻🌻🌸

(some flowers for you) xx

Hi! <3 I'm gonna answer this bit-by-bit

Hello!!

Hi!

I am so sorry 😭😭 I have a few things that I want to ask.

No sorries!

Let’s start with gender. I’ve been here a lot talking about my gender experience and how I feel somewhat connected to my agab being afab.

Personally, I hate when I am referred to as a girl/women. When my friends plan a ‘girls trip’ I get annoyed… when people assume I am a ‘young lady’ I get frustrated. I don’t get why I am like that specifically because it’s been as of recent (only about a year). Before that it never really annoyed it or maybe I just never thought much about the terms I was being referred to as.

Sometimes I feel as if I am faking my gender. Like I should just stop thinking about it and let myself be perceived as how I was born. But that feels wrong. But also doesn’t?

You're not faking anything! These feelings are valid, and being your authentic self is important!

It feels wrong in the sense that I’ve spent a year thinking about gender and how I am not cis, that now I believe that I am not cis, but when I think about it again it’s like maybe I am just cis and I just want to show people that gender isn’t important and that people can dress how they want to without being perceived a specific binary gender etc.

In the past year I have felt comfortable thinking I was agender, but I still sometimes feel like I am just cis (minus the desire to want to chop off my tits 24/7).

Have youuuuuu heard of genderfluid? Where your gender can kind of change depending on the day? What you're saying feels very genderfluid.

That’s another thing. I only started feeling chest Dysphoria in the last 2 years. Before that I liked them… 😭😭 I hate saying that bc now they make me so angry and just the thought of them makes me feel sick.

This is me basically asking is if it is normal to doubt my gender or does it seem like I’m faking it.

Absolutely it's normal! You are anonymously writing to me on the internet- you're not faking it. Truly, please look into genderfluid. I don't usually push someone towards one identity but yeah. What you're describing is very similar to how I feel, so I think it might be helpful.

Bc sometimes when I think about myself it’s as a girl and then when I think about it properly it’s like ‘ew why did I make my future self look like that’ bc I want to look visibly queer but my unconscious brain just perceives me as a girl.

I think this is something that a lot of people don't realize: when/if you transition in any way, it sometimes even takes YOU time to adjust. You've been conditioned your whole life to picture and refer to yourself a certain way. Old habits die hard. To me, it's not what's the first thing you think of, it's what feels the best?

Ok secondly, (I’m so sorry this might get really long) I’m questioning my sexuality?

I think it’s sexuality?

So I am bi. That’s a known fact. I’ve known that since 2021. But when I think about being in a relationship with someone it’s always so different to how other people perceive relationships. (I’ve never been in a relationship)

The thing is, I can’t imagine being intimate with anyone. Like it’s just weird. But I want it someday.

Hm. Why? Do you...want it because other people do? Because you want the closeness of being intimate with someone? Because you...(how do I ask this in a proper way)...feel you would enjoy it?

I read… a lot!! And I love reading all kinds of fluff that gets my stomach erupting with butterflies, I also love reading smut, it doesn’t make me feel grossed out or anything and I quite enjoy it.

It’s just when I picture myself with someone else it’s just like ‘nope, not for me’. BUT I DO WANT IT!!

Could this just be lack of relationship and experience or could I be on the ace spectrum.

I think I a lot of people don't realize that being ace doesn't necessarily mean you're sex-repulsed. Many ace people have sex and still identify as ace. I think here, I'd encourage you to think more about WHAT exactly you feel when you read those things (I don't want to go into detail much incase you're underage).

I’ve looked at some of the terms and demisexual is kind of what I’m feeling but also not bc I do want to one day build a strong connection to someone and have a trusting relationship where I can express my love (ok yes that’s cringy to say but idk how else to word it).

Well...Only you can decide if you're demi. But I identify as demi, and I have those things!

I also have had crushes in the past but when I think about if I’d want to get to know them better it’s just a straight up ‘nope’ (that’s probably just my social anxiety tho)

and I’ve spoken to my sister about this relationship stuff and she is the same, like we both wouldn’t kiss someone after the first few dates and wouldn’t be thinking about anything further until there is a real bond.

Is this just lack of relationship? Am I just overthinking it too much?

Okay so I think this website could be helpful to you. I don't think you're overthinking at all, but I think it might be good to do some research on the ace spectrum. Like I said, being ace doesn't necessarily mean a person is sex-repulsed, so it could be that you do end up identifying as ace!

Lastly, thank you so much Cas!! You are the most kind hearted person ever for always responding to my asks (yes I’ve asked a lot bc I crisis a lot) and honestly you’ve saved my life in so many different ways! I hope you have an amazing day/night!

🌼🌹🪻🌻🌸

(some flowers for you) xx

Of course!!! Feel free to message me if you want more help! Thanks for the flowers!

[vizthedatum]

I think at this point in my varied healing journey, I’m ready to express and articulate (and I wasn’t earlier - and I think that was valid) that as much as my ex-spouse was an asshole to me, I also carried a lot of shame that perpetuated and escalated things to that degree.

I don’t think I abused them, but I was in a position where I felt like I didn’t want to break up or enforce my boundaries. I was trauma-bonded psychologically.

What happened wasn’t fair to either of us.

Yes, I’m still going to call their behavior narcissistic (and I do not think it’s an ableist term).

My behavior was codependent.

We both have trauma from childhood, adulthood, and within our relationship.

I still and likely will not talk to them in the foreseeable future.

I am still angry. I am still upset.

That doesn’t mean jackshit about whether I’ve moved on or not. I reject that concept.

My healing journey has been about validating myself and the behaviors from other people that I cannot accept.

I have been giving myself space to process not just this relationship but all my relationships!! And the relationship to myself.

I am more at peace with what happened in 2022, because my life has changed so much since then. I like who I am now.

I wish them peace and healing but I still hate them. I still and always will hate that they could not take responsibility for how much their behavior impacted me and our relationship.

And I did. I know that they didn’t think I did. But at least, even if I was in the thick of it, I was trying to help myself be a better person and a better partner.

No, I wasn’t perfect. I’m not better than them.

The relationship was bad for both of us. My codependency enabled things! I KNOW I caused harm, even if I don’t think it was abuse. It was harmful to navigate all of that.

I have to forgive myself.

I can understand why they acted the way they did. I don’t believe I have to forgive them to accept that. I do not wish them harm.

But I can be snarky and upset because I’m finally sticking up for myself. I am practicing not repressing my feelings and who I am.

I can see myself making decisions and boundaries a lot differently these days. I am so proud of myself.

[amysubmits]

Where I Stand (For Now)

It’s been an ugly week around D/s tumblr. I’ve been reading and trying to process. 

I’ve done my best to read as much as I could about this topic. I have re-read all of the posts I could find at least once. Still, I have a gut feeling that I have somehow missed something. I saw where CherishedProperty stated that she feels like she has about 5 pieces of a 100 piece puzzle. I feel much the same way. I have seen the two blogs sharing information about this receive asks wanting more information or expressing confusion, and the responses are that the information is already out on the blogs. This is why despite feeling like I’m missing something, I‘ve decided to speak now rather than wait. However, I am absolutely open to changing my mind if I see information that I haven’t yet seen.   

I’ve seen 144 accused of these specific behaviors:

Prioritizing his blog over his sub.

Not texting/calling his sub while “off grid” camping, without giving prior warning that he wouldn’t be in touch. The sub said after he got back he said he though he had told her he would be out of contact. 

Asking his sub to be private about their relationship. The sub has stated she was okay with this at the time.

Responding to asks he would receive about littles by saying things like “I don’t know, I don’t do littles” while he was in a D/s relationship with a little.  

Being married to someone else while having a sub. I have no idea if this is ethical non-monogamy or cheating. 

I saw a screenshot of a DM where someone had basically asked what was going on with these accusations Dani has shared, where he responded that he thinks Dani is experiencing mania. 

Sharing two of his friends’ very personal information with other people.

People on tumblr have tagged him and asked him to respond to these, and he hasn’t. 

*Edit - a day or two after I posted this, 144 did make a statement. 

Also here is Dani’s blog post of compiled links. 

I’ve also seen statements like these said about 144

He is our Harvey Weinstein

This is our #MeToo movement

He’s a predator

His new username is “ped0-like”

Him and JD targeted and corralled littles

He has run a gaslighting campaign on all of his followers.

My take is this....

I believe the specific accusations. I think these behaviors show that he has been dishonest, hypocritical and untrustworthy. I see the lack of communication with his sub as neglectful. It doesn’t sound like he was taking his responsibility to his sub seriously enough or prioritizing her enough. 

I understand why his ex-sub, his old friends who have had their information shared with others, and others in the tumblr community are hurt, angry, or disappointed. I feel disappointed myself and I have never been close with 144. 

What I don’t understand is the list of statements (the ones in italics). For example, “he is our Harvey Weinsein” and “this is our #metoo moment”. Harvey Weinstein is a serial rapist. #MeToo is about sexual assault, too. I have seen nobody say that 144 sexually assaulted them, so I don’t understand these statement being used in reference to what he stands accused of. I have also seen general statements about JD of OLK being abusive towards his sub Pip and I have seen nothing at all to back this up. I’m just feeling a pretty significant disconnect between the specific behaviors people have shared, vs the general statements being said about him. I haven’t seen information that supports the general statements. 

If anyone has content that they think I may have missed, anything that supports the italicized statements or other misdeeds beyond what I listed in the first bulleted group, I would appreciate being sent links. My stance here isn’t set in stone, it’s just where I’m at with what I’ve seen so far. 

[itsbinghebitch]

ok so here’s the tea

this is gonna be about build and the whole shitshow of last week. consider it more of a public diary entry on my part.

i want to preface this with saying i really regret my anger outburst. i think it’s a really complicated situation and it lacked a lot of tact on my part to insult other fans no matter how angry i was feeling in that moment. i consider myself a thoughtful person but idk sometimes i deal with severe mood swings that i can’t control which. yeah, that doesn’t excuse attacking other people. and yeah even if i perceived homophobia/bigoted attitudes in the fandom, i recognize that i there are fans who are really going through a hard time right now and painting their moral dilemma as ‘excusing homophobia’ is not helpful. 

i totally get that. i believe there can be productive conversations in this fandom. on the other hand, i don’t believe it was right for people to outright block me and alienate me when i expressed that, as a queer person, i cannot tolerate emerging attitudes in the fandom that excuse what build has said as simply manipulation on poi’s part. it’s a very difficult issue, because on the one hand you have the toxic/abusive relationship he clearly was in, and on the other you have an individual that has an enormous amount of growth to do, and an individual we all don’t know personally at that. it is, at the end of the day, a projection. who you think build is depends on your own experiences and philosophy on abuse, rehabilitation, nature vs nurture... so on and so forth.

it’s really heartbreaking to say, i’ve had so much trouble writing any vegaspete fic for a while now because however much i want to stick to the characters and not the actors, a little voice in my brain always reminds me of the whole build dilemma. and while before there might have been plausible deniability, that build had been wronged on so many fronts, now i can’t help but think of the comments he made on bible’s appearance. like did he think bible was ugly when filming with him. did he have bigoted/homophobic views as he was making vegaspete a reality, etc. 

so that’s where i’m at folks. i might be able to dispassionately discuss this issue, still engage with kpts for its narrative merits, love vegaspete for what it has meant to me for over a year. but at a gut level, i can’t help it. i am an INFJ cancer moon bitch which means i make judgments with my third eye or pussy or something and i believe that’s a feature rather than a moral flaw.

i will always find sympathy for other marginalized people in fandom. i really hope your time here has been a respite, however brief, from the general shittiness of everything (at least that’s what kpts fandom has been for me). but i think the moment fandom subsumes your identity in any way, the moment you start judging emerging fandom topics as ‘us vs. them,’ you really have to take a step back and ask yourself what the real issue is.

is the real underlying issue the fandom or is it the overall lack of transparency from the person we’re debating? is it some rando on the other side of the world in a forum of 200 people or is it celebrity culture, which is opaque by design? is it social media, meant to maintain your interest, endlessly tweet, endlessly consume, keep the money making machine going with just one small nudge? with just a few well-placed hashtags? with its slot game mechanism and gambling level addictiveness and constant abstraction of real people? what is that is *really* making me angry? 

because i don’t believe it’s another fan who, just like me, is trying to make it through today. that’s what i think. and that’s why i choose to step back and redirect my anger to the people with real power in this world. and that’s what i urge everyone to do when the going gets too crazy. 

[yourmybluebanisters]

i’m really tired of people using the edited audio clip, recorded by Johnny of Amber saying "I didn't punch you. I was hitting you, it was not punching you". People use this clip as a way to claim that amber was the abuser which is completely false.

Over years of abuse victims usually change the way they react when trying to survive abuse. Depp would always profusely apologize to Amber after he assaulted her. Johnny writes: "Once again I find myself in a place of shame and regret. Of course, I am sorry. I really don't know why, or what happened. But I will never do it again ...... My illness somehow crept up and grabbed me. I must get better. And I will. For us both. Starting today. I love you. Again, I am so sorry. So sorry." Amber explained that she tried many ways to diffuse the arguments, but the cycle of outbursts then apologies then more outbursts continued no matter what she did. "In these fights, I would try to stand up for myself. By December 2014, I was pushing back, I'd push him off me, I tried to hit his hands away. I tried to always get back up, which would almost always made it worse, always seemed to provoke him. But I tried. I would yell at him, scream at him. I'd call him ugly names. So ashamed of the names we'd call each other. It was awful. And we both got into that pattern. I felt so angry that this was happening to me, and it just felt so unfair. Nothing I did made him stop hitting me. Nothing. I tried for over a year, maybe two, of just not responding physically, not responding verbally, just staring at him. I tried to freeze, I tried going to a different place. I would try then lashing out verbally. I would try to threaten that if he hit me again that I would call the police. I tried to do everything. I even threatened to leave him - tried to leave him. Nothing was working. And I think by this point in our relationship, we're both saying awful things to each other, screaming at each other and, unfortunately, when Johnny would start hitting me, he'd just win." This struggle Amber had with dealing with his violence matches with what their marriage counselor, Dr. Lauren Anderson, said. Anderson testified that Amber told her "she felt she had to hit him back if he hit her so she always did.". Amber was fighting back in that relationship. Do you really believe that 22-year-old amber an unknown actress at the time had any control over 44-year-old Depp with a long well-established career and greater influence/wealth/fame/ fanbase? It is impossible for her to be the one in control in a relationship with someone clearly so much more powerful. It is also notable that in these recordings in which she admits to hitting him, she owns up to her acts and apologizes to him, while he continues to call her names and gaslights her. Her admitting to resorting to violence in self-defense, about having screaming fights and saying horrible things, shows her honesty and makes her sound more credible and trustworthy. In contrast, Johnny claims to be a perfect person who never ever hit any woman, not once, not even in self-defense. This is actually one of the characteristics of DARVO, namely" denying abuse completely". Someone who uses DARVO often also goes on to say that their victim was the "real abuser" and they were the "real victim". The acts of self-defense by their victims are used by abusers to make the abused look like the abuser. Johnny released these edited audio tapes through his minion Adam Waldman to the media and used a bot network to create the narrative that Amber is the abuser. Experts have expressed concerns that this trial is offering abusers a way to exert their power over victims. Amber was the victim. And if you can not admit to that there is something wrong with you.

[piqued-curiosity]

Honestly sometimes i start having a fantasy of having an inside job within queer spaces of calling lesbianism (and gayness) “partly asexuality towards penises/vaginas” as to make sure the Queer Community who always wants to make sure that Asexuality Is Valid In All Even When It Contradicts Itself” shuts up all those “it’s transphobic to claim you don’t like ALL genitalia on ALL woman” because while apparently lesbianism can be disrespected surely they won’t be… Aphobic… will they? And against this unique misunderstood partly asexuality which is more rare than the very queer demisexuality? For real, playing your charts right this rethoric should work within the queer framework i’m so close to out myself as terfy to make that work… like if we make a flag and vaguely latin name and it more subtle than “super straight/gay” and put emphasis on “no sexual attraction towards” something it would work better than the simple demand “lesbians who are penis repulsed exist and should fully have language to express themselves”

Signed by a lesbian who saw another thread about how a line in a book about a gay boy not wanting to interact with vaginas (like how he personally didn’t want to) is apparently so so hurtful to the trans reader and author, who clarified he was dating a gay(?) man and as trans people now are hurting people aren’t to express any disgust with trans bodies (AS IF THAT’S NOT JUST SEXUALITY WHAT DO THEY THINK SEXUALITY MEANS…AESTHETIC PREFERENCES? LIKE YEAH SEXUALITY IS THAT YOU ARE DISGUSTED OR AT LEAST DON’T WANT TO INTERACT WITH SOME BODY PARTS OF A CERTAIN GROUP OF PEOPLE… an idea only allowed to exist when you are asexual… expressing and joking about preferences and boundaries unless you are asexual somehow… never heard of?)

Lmao I’ve thought of something similar…playing by their rules and coming up with a way for homosexuality to be an untouchable Queer Identity.

But honestly, I don’t think it would work. For three reasons:

1. They’d be quick to recognise it as homosexuality, and they hate homosexuals so they’d shut us down one way or another.

2. Trans ideology centres men, and anything that excludes men is forbidden. An “asexual identity” about excluding penis would be blasphemous, especially if it was for women. Back to point 1, they’d recognise this as homosexuality and shut it down.

3. Related to the other points, heterosexual trans people are the most entitled people ever. They genuinely cannot stand the idea of homosexuals not being attracted to them, so any sexuality that excludes them would be deemed transphobic.

But, it is nice to think about playing them at their own game and having fancy words to keep them from getting angry at us for being gay. I just think they hate and fetishise us too much for that to even be possible.

That’s really upsetting about the book…and really exposes how they never actually believed that it’s okay to have “genital preferences” like they’ve claimed. They just say that because they know they’d be rightfully called rapey and homophobic if they didn’t. But when push comes to shove, they constantly show that they don’t actually think it’s okay to “prefer” penis or vulva (I of course don’t believe in the whole “genital preference” concept, hence why it’s in quotes. That’s a whole other can of homophobic worms that I won’t get into here).

I honestly don’t even know how they think sexuality works. I think it’s that they think everyone is bisexual, and everything else is just aesthetic preference. So for example, they think lesbian just means “preference for feminine people”.

[ryan-waddell11]

Hi!! This is going to be just kind of a rambling post. It’s NOT my usual content!! You don’t have to read this!! It’s just something I need to get off my chest!!

It’s been officially a year post-grad and I just feel horrible. I’ve been scrambling around for almost a year applying to job after job and I haven’t been able to get anyone to call me back yet. Everyone is so fucking quick to say that they need to help and then never hire. I’m so tired. I put so much pressure on myself through school. I was told that if I worked hard and was a good person, good things would happen to me. While I’ve been able to go on adventures and meet some amazing people (and I’m so fucking grateful for that) I want to be able to say I was able to do it by myself. 

I’ve always had to work harder than everyone around me. That never was a problem for me. However, now that I’m older, it’s becoming more and more frustrating. I don’t understand why some of the most horrible people in my life, childhood bullies, just nasty human beings in general, seem to get everything that they want. While I can’t seem to get anything. Seeing everyone around you living what seems like a great life is hard. They have everything they want. They have a good job, they have a family they found her created end it’s hard. Why do these awful people get so much good? I don’t understand. I was always told that good things happen to good people and as I’ve gotten older, it just doesn’t seem to be true.

I wake up every morning just frustrated and angry at myself that I don’t have anywhere to go to better myself and grow. If I wake up slightly later than usual that I’m mad at myself because why do I get to sleep in while other people are at work? Same thing if I wake up early. You’re up early but you can’t go anywhere because you don’t have anywhere to go. I just want a chance. I don’t know what to do anymore. So much value is put on young people to get a job and to create their own lives but people just don’t understand how hard it is. I get so much judgment from people because I don’t have anything that’s just mine. Everything is connected to somebody else and I just want to be seen for me.

I don’t want pity. I don’t want people to just take me in somewhere because they feel like I need it. I want someone else to believe in me the way I know I can be if I'm given a chance. I don’t want people to see me falling apart and crumbling. I don’t want to be the person that can’t do anything. I’ve had the same part-time job since I was 14 years old and nobody seems to take that into account. I do have an income, but it’s not year round and it’s not a living wage is a seasonal thing that I do to make money and I’ve had it for almost 10 years. I just don’t want to get lost. I don’t want to ever leave this place without feeling like I’ve made an impact somewhere. It’s just so defeating. I don’t want to give up and I don’t have plans to give up I just want to give it a chance in any way. 

It’s hard expressing this because I know the judgment that comes with making yourself vulnerable. It’s hard being in this business. It’s so male-dominated. Everything I do is watched on a microscope. You can’t express yourself without looking insane or being an emotional wreck. I can’t mess up without people assuming that I have no idea what I’m doing and that it wasn’t just an accident. It is so much pressure to be viewed on such a tiny lens and for once I just want people to view me the same way as everyone else and just give me a chance.

I know this isn’t what I usually post, but it’s becoming so overwhelming to the point where I feel parts of my life are suffering. So, if you read this, I’m sorry you had to read through all my ramblings and my frustration. I just needed to get this off my chest and hopefully, it makes someone else feel less alone. Thank you.