#I tried 2 for pmdd

[pinolitas]

do people really sit through the process of experiencing new prescriptions and it's side effects several times until they find one that works? cus I give up so fast if the first one doesn't work I'm done

[aromantyczno-liryczna]

Pmdd is actively fucking ruining my life fuck fuck this shittt

Why do I have to live with the consequences of things I do when I'm like this and why do i only get one good week a month if I'm lucky

[swag-system]

Insane how awful being on my period is. They should pay me money to do this shit

[sideblogforquery-argh]

People are not using pronouns, using wrong words, but I don’t remind anyone verbally. TW: Su1cide, s3lf h4rm, anorex1a mentions.

TLDR at bottom, I appreciate if anyone reads this or has any advice. Other key points in bold.

I’m sorry this is so long, and I promise this is about nonbinary stuff, but there are Complications, if you will:

1. Autistic doormat. (Professionally diagnosed)

2. Anxious and hates confrontation of any kind.

3. Chronic pain that stops me from going places and doing things.

4. Long history of depression, anxiety, s3lf h4rm, su1cide attempts.

5. Speak in a high pitched voice (not natural, forced again by anxiety of being viewed as competent and mature and not having my limitations taken seriously)

6. Have feminine mannerisms.

7. Have a very slight build and feminine features.

8. I have not had IRL friends for ten years, or online friends for about six.

9. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

10. Underweight, low key restrictive eating disorder (I will gladly maintain current weight, but comment on my body, eating habits or try to feed me more and the anorex1a says Hello. Also maintaining low weight to avoid “filling out” as much as possible in breast area.)

I’m 25 and nonbinary. I’ve known I was nonbinary since 2014/2015. I had come out verbally to my mom many years ago, maybe around 2017. Came out to brother via a written sign on my door and then a short verbal confirmation in late spring last year. At my high school graduation last year (age 24) I had my write up read aloud by the principal include “I look forward to being my authentic enby self” and I wore a pronoun pin and necklace. My grandparents were also at the ceremony. I reactivated my Facebook account and posted an artistic image and write up explaining my pronouns, name, etc. I have a variety of pride and pronoun items, pins on my backpack, a They/Them pronoun necklace, a keychain. I usually have some sort of sign declaring my pronouns and sometimes my name on my door. I even attended my local Pride parade and festival last August with my mom. Also since coming out I have explored neopronouns and I like to use Ae/Aer for myself.

Now, as mentioned at the very top, I am a doormat. I hate being bother, I have had huge mental and physical health challenges. I always want to help, to do things, I’ve been trapped at home with no pain free or easy way to go into town. I’ve been alone for a very long time, not attending school, and then trying to do it by myself online. I am also AFAB and I generally don’t present in a “gender non-conforming” matter. (Put in quotes because I am not a girl) Just the other night, there was a talking head on the news who’s name was Tiana* and my mom gleefully exclaimed “her name is Tiana*, she has the same name as you! You almost never hear anyone with the name Tiana*!”

ANYWAYS, to the point, I can never manage to bring myself to verbally remind anyone to use my pronouns. I can’t discuss my dysphoria with anyone, including my counsellor, which has really increased in the last few months. My counsellor had to be told what gender dysphoria is, and he’s trying but I don’t feel comfortable talking to him about it. My PMDD is also not only making my mental health in general really mad, but increasing my gender dysphoria. I have tried birth control for this, and it resulted in a suicide attempt.

I came out a year ago now to the wider family network / world, but it feels like everyone has completely ignored that fact. I came out of the closet, but a new, iron maiden style one has been built around me by anyone and everyone who perceives “me.”

I put “me” is quotation marks because it’s not actually me that anyone is seeing or talking to, it’s the mirage of a past person. I just feel so weak and pathetic, I don’t speak up for myself, I just let it happen. I don’t exist, not according to how I am referred to my people the vast majority of the time. They/them does get used at home frequently, but more often it’s my birth name. I’ve gone through waves of uncomfortable indifference to just feeling really shitty, having an abuse of use of that name, where now I am starting to not feel neutral but dislike it. It’s always, “Tiana* this”, and “it’s in Tiana’s* room,” “I think Tiana* has it, don’t you?”

I just feel hopeless. I don’t see myself ever being able to exist as actually myself. If I can’t remind my family in my safe home to use my pronouns; or that I want to use a different name, OR that (body pain permitting) I’d probably like to have my breasts and nipples removed; how am I supposed to reminded anyone else? The massage therapist, the doctor, the other pain specialist, the orthopaedic surgeon, the counsellor, the psychiatrist, the osteopath, anyone and everyone who I’ve ever met before who just, “she/her’s” and “Tiana*’s” me.

*Tiana is not actually my name, it is used for example purposes only.

TLDR: I have a variety of visual objects and signs that describe my pronouns and nonbinary-ness, but I have almost never reminded anyone verbally to use my pronouns and that I am not a girl. The most I can do is squeak out “they” quietly. How can I actually be brave and speak up for myself for once?

[positivelypositive]

I'm a highly sensitive person. I have some college but no degree. I have insurance but am scared of doctors. I have free therapy though my job but no specialists to see if I have ADHD or autism. I work customer service and have been doing that for over 20 years. When I serve people all day long I don't have much left for myself. I have pmdd and had a bad episode this month that gave me so much rage and now I'm ashamed and crying and feeling overwhelmed. They are going to change the operating systems that are job so none of us will know what we are doing.

I work customer service at a library and there's a machine with a conveyor belt that runs all day that helps to check in people's books. By the end of the day most of the full-time people are extremely disgruntled just due to the ongoing sound. We aren't allowed to wear headphones because we have to answer the phones and talk to the customers.

My boss put two more jobs for me to do while I'm not on a public desk. We get 2 hours off desk and honestly those are helpful to recharge after working with the public but my boss thinks those two off desk hours should be used to do desk work and busy work.

I'm extremely overwhelmed and afraid to advocate for myself for fear I'll look defiant. Ill be there 12 years in April. I feel like I haven't been able to have a personal life since going full time. 🙁

I took two days off from work last week and didn't work the weekend I was hoping I'd be ready to go back today. So I got dressed and drove to work and thought I hit a bird and then had a complete meltdown and then look like s*** and realized I had to be on front desk to let all the customers in. So they saw my face which made me more upset and so I told my boss I couldn't do it today and I went home. I tried to go to the park but I couldn't get out of the car and I looked a mess because I had been crying a lot.

I texted my boss and apologized and told her I was overwhelmed and told her I was sorry for leaving in a hurry. She told me to just take care of myself.

I don't want to take care of myself, I'm already worn out from taking care of everybody else.

I'm sorry this is the most rambling message ever. I don't know what to do.

hey @luckycatsgirl (couldn't tag you for some reason)

i'm sorry you're going through this but please do not apologize for ranting. i want this to be a safe space for people to ramble. you helped me feel needed so thank you for that.

what you've described sounds to me like a panic attack. now, i could be wrong since i'm not a professional but i have experience with panic attacks and would very much encourage you to look into a psychologist or a trained therapist to help you out.

we all know life is tough but we bear it to the point where any and everything becomes overwhelming. it's normal and you're not alone in feeling this way. but getting help will make sure that you live more comfortably.

i know you don't want to take care of yourself because you're worn out but being worn out itself means that you need to be cared for. a therapist or psychologist can help you understand how to do that.

please look into it, dear friend. i will be cheering for you from the other side of the screen. sending you courage and positive vibes 💜✨

[zebulontheplanet]

Hi, I have something to ask. Please don't be hard on me. How do I know what level of autism I am?

I dont know anything about savant stuff, but I fit the stereotype of the intelligent but torment person, and all my problems and difficulties were overlooked because I was smart.

I'm burnout, like I'm only ashes at this point, and I have tried for years now to get professional help, but like they have 0 idea of what even is what is happening to me.

So I think in my support needs, I don't cook, don't do dishes, only "clean" by sorting things, im not in any way capable of maintaining a house, and don't know what level is that, but also struggle with other things like adhd disgraphia dyslexia alexitimia, the thing that transforms period cramps in severe depression (PMDD?), and I already had a job, but literally worked 1/10 of what I should and destroyed the rest of my time, I know I will be not able to do it.

I am not interested in people, never had like any kind of real interactions, the mask kicks in the moment I know someone and then never speak to them ever again, and it really didn't think so much about it until I found a special interests about communicating and found that I really don't get other people, I hear them (badly) and figure it out or just ask and ask, but I only interact with like 3 people and my psychiatrist and psychologist, and most of that time I loss my talking hability or fall right into masking.

I read your post about level 3 and don't know what to think, I don't have help with showers, but like I grew up just standing in the water, and now I have my little system of cleaning myself, but it takes me half an hour because i just snap away, or the water x, or loss myself, or forget the step, or paralized because not capable of transition to next step, or go all day just trying to put myself in the shower but me just don't, and it happens to me with a lot of things, don't eating because not able even with safe food and hunger, ¿is this level 3?

Alexitimia is really a big thing for me, I was forced all my life to do things, and in my childhood, it was a mental and psychological abuse kind of situation, and later, it became a elephant tied to a string kind of thing were I just straight up hurt myself a lot until I just were unable to even stand up, and it keeps happening, but I have put a lot of effort and really taken myself out of any demanding things and try to figure out myself.

¿Is this level 2? I know I need a lot of help, but I just keep arriving at this very bad state and figuring out like one small thing and trying to accommodate it, but then find another barriers, and crashing down.

And I need a lot of help, I think I was just trying to feel validation on that need. Writing helped me figure that. Thanks for the space. My question still stands ¿is this like a regular medium support needs or high?

Hey there. I cannot tell you what level you are. Only professionals can assess levels and determine what level you are.

For as far as high and medium support needs go. If you can bathe yourself, feed yourself, dress yourself, use the toilet yourself, groom yourself, independently, then you’re probably not medium or high support needs. Some need more help than others. Some need less help then others, or only need help with one or two of these things. But if you can do all of it independently, then you’re probably lower support needs.

I’m not undermining your experience. I’m not saying that cleaning, doing dishes, taking care of a household is not a struggle, but those are all iADLs, while what I listed are bADLs. If you only need help with iADLs then you’re more on the lower end of support needs. If you need help with bADLs, then you’re on the higher level of support needs.

Having a strict routine for something and still being able to do it, is still being able to do it. I can’t tell you what your support needs are. I’m not you, I don’t know you, I’m just a stranger on the internet. But if you don’t need intense prompting or hand over hand help with something, then it’s still something you can do.

Level 3 autistic people need help with EVERY step of things, and usually it’s all, or close to all bADLs and iADLs that they need help with. This doesn’t just mean just someone standing there and telling them (although for some it is) it means doing each step for them. Bathing them, putting the shampoo in their hair and physically washing their hair, physically washing their body, physically brushing their teeth, physically feeding them, physically helping them put each piece of clothing on, physically helping them with each and every step of the bADL and iADL.

Thank all, I hope this helps and I hope you get the supports you need and help you need very soon. Have a lovely day!

[transenbyconfessions]

TW // talk of suicide and suicidal ideation

im a trans man and im so excited to go on T. i want bottom growth i want voice changes and hair everywhere, i dont care about acne or change in smells or male pattern baldness. i dont care about the libido. but its the emotional part that gets me.

i have pmdd and for 2 weeks every month i become near-suicidal. i have a family history of attempting suicide bc of postpartum depression. i barely survived the height of puberty and still live with guilt from it. i have a history of reacting poorly to substances, like every time ive attempted suicide it was because i tried a new medication for adhd or medication induced depression. there's a HIGH likelyhood that the first few months of testosterone will be a living nightmare for me, theres a chance that i wont even survive. and im scared. i have ptsd from psych wards that still affects me. but i cant live in this body anymore. i want to transition so bad, and ik u can do it without T but i WANT to go on T. i DESPERATELY want to be on testosterone. so thats been a big conflict for me

Submitted May 23, 2023

Hi OP,

I encourage you (and anyone else struggling with PMDD) to check out the resources offered by IAPMD (The International Association for Premenstrual Disorders). They are gender affirming and have pages dedicated to trans healthcare. Unfortunately it looks like their provider directory is down at the time of queuing this, but they have several peer support groups which might be able to help you find a gender affirming provider that can support you through your transition.

[vizthedatum]

My PMDD symptoms may be starting up again (it is the end of the month, but my cycle is just so erratic) - my psychiatrist told me to take my lithium (300 mg) on an as-needed basis: basically once a day, any time I feel suicidal ideation (read here about a post I made last year about my PMDD symptoms).

I have taken my lithium this morning. It just feels so disheartening to take it even though it really does help (it's one of the only antidepressants out of the many I've tried that helps). Several therapists and healthcare professionals have told me that I should have no shame in taking it.

The PMDD affects me so much - I am genuinely worried about my safety a lot, but since my energy levels go down more than usual, I'm pretty passive to do anything about it.

--

I wonder, when I finally go on T (testosterone) if these symptoms will subside. Especially the mental warpiness that happens, you know? I have heard and read about it happening to some people, including some friends of various genders.

Especially those who are intersex.

I have long suspected (and have identified with this community) that I'm intersex based on my hormones (I also have PCOS), but that is heavily debated and contested in medical communities even though many PCOS-havers identify as intersex.

I have been told (my ob-gyn confirmed after my endometriosis surgery) that I should be able to have children as long as I can get pregnant and have appropriate care (my fertility is affected by my PCOS). I may have a completely healthy pregnancy, to be honest. But I'm not sure either.

But like... What if my WHOLE LIFE changes once I go on T - what if I become healthier (this happens to a lot of people!)?! What if it gives me the actual freedom to be as genderfluid and as authentically me as I'd like to be (I mean, I'm sure it will)?

--

It just sucks because I was on a hiatus from all medication (except for my bladder instillations and dietary supplements) from December to March roughly.

There were reasons for the hiatus (I thought I was pregnant).

But I was just like... (as my friend says) rawdogging life.

I have made an incredible amount of progress in my healing journey the past 2 years, but I still struggle with all my chronic health issues.

I wish I could just journal/vent away this. I wish I could just exercise/diet myself out of this. I wish I could just SNAP out of it.

I know that's so internally ableist.

And with all the trauma and the circumstances of my life, I can't just wish away the symptoms of PMDD. Many times, I can't power through.

I know it's not shameful to take my lithium, but I wish I didn't have to.

And I wish I didn't have to investigate other medical options for when I do get pregnant (I refuse to take lithium if I'm trying or pregnant).

--

But it's a tool that's helping me survive and function.

So here I am.

[rukbats]

hey, if you don’t mind me asking - how did you discover you were estrogen dominant instead of pmdd? what were your symptoms like? my GP was like “if you think you have pmdd you probably do so talk to your therapist. :)” and that was pretty much it lol no differential dx discussion

Hiii. I don’t mind lol don’t worry. My story is super weird and convoluted so im gonna try to sum it up as simply as possible. Basically, the symptoms I had were:

Very persistent acne. Literally no matter what I did, it just never went away. I tried EVERYTHING, from accutane (I did two rounds) to retinol to weird soaps. Everything. It never subsided. It was all over my face but especially my cheeks.

My hair fell like crazy. I know it’s very common for women to be like “omg my hair falls so much” but for me it was to the point I was afraid of brushing/washing it because it was a lot. I got lucky because I naturally had very thick hair, so even though it thinned out substantially, it still looks a normal amount. I actually even had bald spots lol here’s a pic:

I no longer have these bald spots

Constant constipation. A bit TMI Im aware lol but it’s the truth. No pic from that.

Retaining a looot of water weight. I could easily gain up to 2 kgs (like 4-5lbs) of water weight in one day

Really bad depression. This one was actually kind of a funny one because I am actually aware that my life, as it currently is, is actually pretty good. Like yeah I’m not exactly where I want to be but it’s not bad, y know. And YET, every time I ovulated I felt such fucking dreaaaaad. I even got suicidal because my logic was, even if my life is objectively okay right now and I still feel like absolute shit, then is pursuing anything better even worth it? My worst case scenario is me working my dream job, married, with wonderful kids, and still feeling this fucking awful. It was like “I better just fucking kill myself then”. Even now that my symptoms are more under control, I still get sad easily during ovulation.

Very long periods, with A LOT of clots. My periods would usually last 8-9 days, heavy bleeding, with lots of clots.

Poor temperature control. I get very cold, very fast. I live in motherfucking cancun so this stuck out quite a bit

Ovarian cysts.

All of these symptoms were cyclical. They all got worse right before ovulation or in the middle of my luteal phase, as there are peaks in estrogen, and got better right before menstruation

It’s also important to note that I had my hormones tested and they all came back within normal ranges, so as you can guess it took me a looooooong while to figure out what I have.

There are far more chances of you having estrogen dominance if you:

Have excess body fat. No, I don’t mean just being overweight, you can be skinny and have excess body fat too.

Have gone through a prolonged period of high stress

Suspect any kind of dysbiosis (bacterial imbalance) in your gut flora

I am currently taking DIM as supplement which has helped me a lot with managing the aforementioned symptoms while I look for a more permanent solution. My final goal is to reduce my body fat levels and up my muscle mass. I am also planning on a spiritual retreat in which I will learn how to do trascendental meditation in order to manage my stress/cortisol levels this October. If you want to take DIM too (bc it has really been extremely helpful to me), I beg you to really do your research on it, bc if you don’t really have any estrogen to lower you will have some really unpleasant side effects (from what I’ve heard, intense migraines and nausea).

I’m still figuring it out myself. I personally think that my problems go a little beyond estrógeno dominance (I’m planning on getting tested for hypothyroidism and insulin resistance too) but now that I have figured out the estrogen part it really feels like a huge leap forward. Hopefully, this will help you too :)

[compassionatereminders]

i just want to vent (off anon bc im proud of myself for not giving up and dying) and this is. slightly graphic so tw for suicide attempt(s) and vomiting

i just started off the year by almost trying to kill myself (last night. well a few hours ago) but i woke up and threw up whatever i tried to kill myself with (it went up my nose!!!! every breath i take i can smell it :( it sucks). it was fucking disgusting and i can still taste it so im just waiting for my turn in the bathroom before i brush my teeth. tbh i knew it wouldn't kill me, i didn't take enough, i just wanted to make myself sick so i didn't have to go to school today. (spoiler alert: im not sick enough to skip school)

then i remembered the time that i tried to kill myself like. 2 years ago, when i told my teacher i wanted to die and it's exactly a week before my period. according to my tracker my period is near (i have irregular cycles so its probs off by a few days). so im just like, yeah this is not me. i want to live. i dont want to die here. im not hopeless.

im gonna go to school today and im gonna bring food for my friends. i have several activities i haven't submitted (or done. for that matter.) but one of them in particular is actually 2 outputs (a paper and a video presentation of the paper) and i have to defend my paper. it's worth a lot of my grades, so now im hoping that my teacher will approach me and ask why i didn't submit my work and I'll tell her its because i was having an ongoing crisis (not the exact phrasing im gonna use but yeah thats the gist of it).

also realized that the time of the year really affects my mental state. like i struggle so hard to even want to keep myself alive during November and December (since i was young!!!!!!) which just so happens to be the 2nd quarter of the school year and it really shows in my academic performance. and now its January and i hope this phase of my life has ended. im gonna fight for the life i want and i wont die :)

i hope you have a good year (also your blog has helped me through some very rough times in my life. thank you for existing :) )

I'm glad you're still here, and I'm so happy to hear that you've decided to stick around, but if any level of suicidal ideation is a common thing for you before periods, I strongly recommend that you talk to a doctor and look into PMDD and hormonal birth control, because you should not have to deal with this level of distress and instability up to your periods, and if you do that's a big problem which might have a solution

[sweetmage]

TW Chronic illness, mental illness, disability stigma, venting (putting it below the cut) Also sorry for sad posting on this fun fandom account so often. I do not have close people I can discuss these things with so sometimes it just helps to yell into the void 😅 Block #Jun Rants to not see it!

I am having a very bad flare up of my chronic illness. Worst in a while!! It affects my emotions very badly. Constant weeping and feeling sick and nervous and very sad on top of that physical illness symptoms and pains like aches, fever, heart flutters, dizziness, headaches, etc. 😭 I developed PMDD about 2 years ago. I went to the ER because I thought I was having a heart attack because I was so weak and dizzy and scared and my heart was beating very fast. It was a panic attack brought on by physical symptoms caused by what I later learned to be PMDD.

I like to be open an honest about my disabilities (such as my vision, being neurotypical, and so on) but I have struggled with this one due to how often it gets downplayed due to misogyny and misinformation. It is not "a bad case of PMS", it is a serious and often times debilitating mental health and physical health condition that can completely wreck your brain and body once every 2-3 weeks or so and leaves little time to recover in between. It's exhausting. I feel sad because I think I have lost a bit of myself due to it. I have always struggled with mental health, but since my body decided I needed a new condition I have become a lot more moody and nervous and depressive. I mourn the fact that I am not as fun anymore (and struggle to have fun myself) because often I am self-conscious or sad. I try to project a happy image and push myself to be more outgoing, but it's very difficult and my real emotions slip through a lot. I feel guilty about it, i don't enjoy being a downer and I miss feeling semi-normal and not constantly feeling sick or shaking from fear of everything (intrusive thoughts, fear of judgement, overthinking everything I do or say, etc.). I try to interact with people more but I feel scared a lot. I have a handful of close people in my life but they have their own problems and I don't think I can come to them. I try to make friends online but I feel embarrassed when I say anything to people no matter what it is, even if they aren't actually judging me. I tried to get medication for my depression last month but the psychiatrist was horrible and cruel to me and was very judgmental. I'm not sure what else to do or if there is anything at all I can do. I regret mentioning having this condition to a male psychiatrist... Even today I am feeling very sick in my head and stomach and shaking a lot, but I tried to go outside and have a decent day because I don't want to give up even though everything is hard and has been hard and keeps getting harder. I don't know, at least rambling into the void kinda helps a little. That's all I can really do.

[hockeygossipdaily]

About her and Noah situation. They dated for like 2 years. broke up in august 2022. Their whole relationship was cute i guess, but It was obvious that he liked her more than she liked him. The reason of their breakup was officialy bc of their "busyness" and them not being eble to spend quality time together. But real reason was Noah not being ale to keep up with her mood swings witch was caussed by her PMDD, but she wasn't diagnosed at that time. The break up was mutal, but It seem that she moved on faster then him. He still drops hints about her in his vlogs and missing her. He recently said in his cosmopolitan interview that "he can't be in a realtinship rn, and that It would take really really special person for him to fall in love"... I know he was super pissed when she got with Josh Richards. She broke up with him 8 times and he still wanted to be with her. I think hooking up with Josh was a cry for help from her side bc at that time her parents were about to divorce and they put all pressure on Dixie bc she's the oldest daughter. Since then she hooked up/had a thing with couple of NBA players and some high fashion models. I know that she had a situationship with one talented basketball player from UCONN, that was the guy that called her on the show (even tho people think It was Josh Richard or Trevor Zegras). Also the 6'8 guy is Josh Giddy. They were hooking up but he was pissed bc she talked to other guys, so they unfollowed eachother. I know that her and Trevor were introduced to eachother in March 2023, bc they followed eachother March 15th 2023. They were 100% intoduced to eachother bc of Kate and Alex.

Thank you anon. Idk why but I feel like history is repeating itself just a little…backwards. Because I feel like Dixie acts like she likes Trevor more and then Trevor seems like he likes her more and it’s confusing.

She has said on the show that she likes guys that like her bad but doesn’t feel like she has to reciprocate. Which we’ve seen with Noah and Trevor and I think she notices and tries to be better but slips back into that mindset

[aggroed-npc]

The reality of Astarion period fic for girlies with pmdd would just be:

*you go through 1-2 weeks of hell leading up to your period: you’re mentally, emotionally, spiritually in turmoil*

*minor thing happens*

You: this is fine, just gotta get through today *eye twitching as you begin to dissociate for the rest of the day*

Astarion [later that night, blissfully unaware]: *picks up the alluring scent of fresh blood coming from your pants and sneaks into your tent to surprise you* he’s thinking “oh goodie, I haven’t had a proper meal for the past month”

You: *just drifted off to sleep, exhausted, after a week of broken sleeps and fighting for your life on extreme-mode every day*

Astarion: *tries to surprise you by slowly sliding his head between your legs and untying your pants*

You: *swiftly waking up and putting Astarion in a thigh lock* this is the final straw *bites him instead*

[domorebemore]

yesterday was so fucking dire i was so depressed just like the worst PMDD symptoms but times a billion. it was genuinely terrifying. i was like afraid of how depressed i was. and then i tried to drink at dinner and i immediately got faint and dizzy and had to go home and couldn’t finish dinner LOL it was so fucking bad. like i think i truly may be dying. i’m taking so many supplements i’m trying to eat more food and less Junk but i still lost 5-8 lbs without trying and it hasn’t gone up at all in a few months and i have acne 100% of the time when i used to only break out during my period and my skin is oily and i always have some sort of pelvic issue going on even though i have not changed anything at all period like it’s literally once a month i keep having to go get prescriptions for these stupid infections that this IUD is giving me. i’m so fucking careful i’m seriously trying so hard to keep it under control and it’s not happening LOL I feel insane. but i have a trip coming up in 2 weeks and i don’t want to get it removed right before then bc i’m afraid there might be weird complications... but also :(

[1d1195]

Okay i'm starting off by saying to🪴anon that it was probably me that the other anon was referencing so no need to say sorry! I know I write alot and I don’t blame them for not wanting to read it! It’s not for everyone and I never expect anyone beyond Sam to read them! But I also know tone can be lost so I hope there was no malicious intent behind that because it is nice to see what others are up to. It's also nice to know a bit about the author behind the stories that we all enjoy because in the end it’s nice to bond!

Anyways lol I have 5 which is a lot! I have one all black Belgian malinois(basically a german shepard) and the other 4 are mixed with breeds that I don’t even know about lol but yeah overall last week was just very tough in all aspects! But thank you for always being so kind💗

So I'm taking 2 classes each session so 2 courses for the first 5 weeks(current ones I'm taking)  then a new set of courses after those first 5 weeks are up. So within the span of 10 weeks I'm taking 4 courses which is the equivalent of one quarter for me. SO i am suffering but that's my choice lol Thank you for rooting for me though😭

GIRL I'M NOT THAT COOL HAHA WIth the help of my mom I do very basic adjustments to my clothes. She sometimes has more patience when it comes to that than me lol. I have always had to alter something  ever since I could remember, especially like bottoms due to my hips/thighs being larger than my waist. But really I don’t feel like I'm cool at all. If anything I'm always so behind on trends or I just choose not to follow them lol And there’s nothing wrong with a good TJMaxx moment! Also you know I love ANY kind of Harry you write so I have no doubt that I would probably lose my mind over mechanic Harry!

Oh how exciting watching it with your sister! I did the same with my brother I think a while back lol and don’t even get me started on the vibes of Sydney and Carmy in season two like fixing up the table scene?! But yes I would love to know what you think bestie!

I hope that summer school does fly by! And I'm hoping that it will be drama free!! And PMDD is actually very common but it goes undiagnosed a lot due to so many things! From my experience I had to factor in my own mental health struggles like MDD and my personal life stressors. It was always so bad those mood changes leading up to my period and I think that people who experience periods are kind of left to believe that it’s normal but it’s not! Overall if you can and want to look into it, it doesn’t hurt! In the end just advocate for yourself and your body because only you know how you feel!

Now Sam.. YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO BREAK MY HEART WITH MOST?!?! I'm not kidding when I'm telling you I was shedding tears once I finished reading it! Like FUCK omg young love?!? Actual soulmates just been torn away from each other just like that?!? They had their whole life planned out, fantasizing about their future?! The way he would support her in everything 😭 when i saw the use of ‘loved’ literal DREAD washed over me! And tell me why I thought it would be their parents doing for them splitting up and I was GAGGED that it was Lauren?! Jealousy is such a gross thing especially when used to harm someone you allegedly care about?! But I can see why she would feel insecure about holding him back and then there’s that dumb saying about letting go of someone if you love them like this all just HURTS! Then the flinching away from harry when he tried to touch her😭 This was so so good bestie! You always know how to invoke so much emotion with your stories😭 LOVED IT AND I LOVE YOU!!! Hope you had another lovely start to your week!-💜

Regardless of who the anon was talking about, I kind of feel the same way about the messages. If people want to read them, then obviously, of course they can. But this is a convo between us at the heart of it and I don't want you or anyone to feel like you can't message me anonymously 💕 I love bonding with you all!

Oh goodness. FIVE dogs. that's so fun and I love that for you, but must also be SO difficult for fireworks holiday.

Ma'am I fully support you but that's SO much I hope you get a little time to yourself someway somehow. How long till you finish your degree? No judgment at all, but I feel like you've taken 20 classes in the year I've been talking to you, I feel like you should be done soon 😭😭 I'm stressed and overwhelmed for you 💕 But I know you're going to do tremendously.

I feel like you're cool anyway 🤭💕 Mechanic Harry is on his way. But still kind of out there 😊 I'm excited about the end of the season. I'm watching with my bf and I'm a binge-watcher and he's a "I do an ep a day" it's brutal. I'm ready to watch on my own profile and pretend I know nothing 😅 Anyway, we're on ep 6 now 🙃 I see what you mean about it picking up steam after ep 5 though, so I'm excited.

These kids are DRAMATIC af. The complaints. They have to do online classes for some of their classes and it's videos and writing and all they do is complain and I'm like 0% sympathy. Pass the class during the school year and then you don't have to do it in the summer? Like it's just annoying. Sorry, I hate to sound like a BITCHY teacher but I just reach this point.

It's so weird, I'm the first person to say even though other people are struggling doesn't mean your stress isn't any less valid. Except for myself 😂 I feel like I'm just annoying af and whiny and I really don't think it's that bad. It's like day one is cramps, day two is wanting to get hit by a truck, and then I'm good. I need to speak to someone about all of my issues lol. It's just expensive and I'm pretty sure there are very few people available in my insurance network plus I feel like there is a SHORTAGE because all I hear is how there's a waitlist and whatnot, etc etc. ANYWAY. I need to advocate for myself and my mental health needs 😅 I hope you don't feel that I've minimized how you feel by talking about my own stressors!

I'm glad you liked it so much 💕 Even though it was sad and I'm sorry it caused tears! I'm a little nervous about the coming parts and I'm really glad you said the part about how you can see how she would feel insecure because I'm most worried it's going to be the reason the coming parts WON'T work, so I'm glad. I think I'm going to break a lot of hearts with this one. I hope it's successful though 💕

Thank you for being here as always and I hope your week is going well, we're halfway there!

xoxo

[performing-personhood]

I figured it out. I figured out why I get so angry when I'm in PMDD Operating Mode

Okay. Follow me here: when a frustrating thing happens, most of the time most neurotypical humans (def not all) are able to recover from the frustration eventually and return to a neutral 0 state.

When I am in Standard Operating Mode, a frustrating thing will happen and eventually I will return to a neutral state but it takes forever and nothing else frustrating can happen in the recovery period. (A big ask considering I am very frustrating for me to be around.) Every additional frustration setback resets the recovery timer.

Okay that's the context, here's the relevant bit.

When I'm in PMDD Mode, I just don't return to neutral that day at all. And the frustrations stack. If I experience a 7/10 frustration, the best recovery I can manage will be a 2/10. The next thing I will recover to a 4/10, and so on. Now add to that the fact that my dyspraxia gets a lot worse during that time and I end up needing extra help with extremely basic things, and you have a recipe for Explosive Meltdowns.

Explosive Meltdowns are extremely dangerous for me because I have a galloping case of Instant Karma. Example: one time three years ago I had an E.M. and slammed the door of my washing machine, and it has made an incurable buzzing noise during thr wash cycle ever since (I've dropped several hundred dollars into appx 5 repairs over the intervening years, to no avail.) Example Two: I had an E.M. and tried to storm out a door, but it was locked and I broke my nose slamming into it at full force. I am unable to throw a temper tantrum of any size or duration without being immediately punished by the universe with some kind of long-term damage. This is not hyperbole.

So yeah I'm.... I'm having a great time