#I wanted to try a story more from Nikolai's perspective

[kikizoshi]

Feeling discouraged, so here's a short, unfinished Godos piece that will never be realised. Nikolai's attempting (read: failing) to write his first draft of a play (an adaptation of Dead Souls, Part 2). Fyodor was going to cheer him up and inspire him, somehow, but I don't have any clue how, so this is all I could get out of that idea. (I do at least like how it turned out, though, unfinished as it is.)

---

The words on the page taunted Nikolai like so many Sufi dervishes. They blurred, swirled into characters half-formed, who jumped and jeered just out of Nikolai’s sight. ‘Find us,’ they seemed to say. ‘Come and see our beautiful lives! And then depict us, reveal us to everyone, that we may truly exist.’ They beckoned him to find them, invited him to view their marvelous exploits, to laugh along with their absurd adventures—and then just as he reached to meet them, they slipped away, laughing. Unendingly they tortured him with scenes just beyond grasp, a perfect story hidden in the periphery of a dense fog.

Nikolai groaned, leaned back, and pressed his palms against his eyes. It was a perfect picture of agony, well-practiced and endlessly rehearsed. ‘Yet all the acting in the world won’t save a lacking script,’ he thought. ‘Ah, why can’t you just write yourselves? Hop along, I’ll even guide the quill, so long as you do something, anything, oh please…’ His entreaties, of course, prompted naught but more formless tittering. Nikolai sighed, and contemplated how effective bashing his scull against the door-jam would be at shaking something loose.

“Is something the matter?” an irritatingly calm Fyodor asked from behind him. Nikolai swung around in his chair, resting his arms on the back, and stared pointedly at his relaxed friend who lounged so serenely on the green recliner, a book nestled under his folded palms. The question itself was preemptive, a set-up, a frivolous first line of a three-line script which always arrived at the same conclusion. Nikolai recognised the offer for friendly—and perhaps even needed—advice, but took it no less bitterly. He smiled mirthlessly. Nevertheless, he played his part.

“Whatever gave you that impression? Was it the willful suicide of the last of my creative expression? Or perhaps you hear them laughing too?”

“Your characters won’t work with you?” (Here, the second phrase, to be replied with…)

“Oh, far beyond that. They won’t speak to me at all! I’m being shunned.”

“I see.” Fyodor concluded and stood, pulling the curtain on their impromptu play. Nikolai watched him go, mildly curious which remedy Fyodor would prescribe this time. “I need to visit the theatre,” he said finally. “Would you like to join me?”

Nikolai laughed flatly. “For what? The stage doesn’t—and I say this from great experience—do anything for one’s imagination. If anything, it’s worse, because you see everything that has been and none of what could be! Can you imagine that? I know, I know, you’re ‘not that way artistically inclined,’ but imagine for a moment that the sentences of your computer codes were jumping and jaunting about in front of your very eyes, and so to fix it, you decided to stare at someone else's pages. Well? Would that help you very much?”

“Most likely it wouldn’t.” Fyodor smiled. “But we won’t be going to the stage. I need to stop by the costuming department. Misha talked one of the women there into parting with an unused costume design for Verenka, but couldn’t pick it up himself.”

“And you just so happen to be free?”

“No,” Fyodor said, a bit dejected. “But I couldn’t stand to stare at my colleagues’ ‘pages’. As you say, it won’t do any good.” He sighed wearily. “Some fresh air and new scenery, tea, something else to think about… I need them greatly. And some company would be nice, too.”

Nikolai stood without ceremony (a shame, yes, but recall his lack of inspiration and forgive him), stretched, and said flatly, “Well then, what are we waiting for?”

---

As it turned out, Nikolai was quite quick to regret those words. A lovely stroll down the uncharacteristically sun-touched streets of St. Petersburg wound down into a bustling cafe.

---

Surprisingly, all went well at the theatre. The lady was quite nice, expressing her condolences and well-wishes for the ‘poor young woman’, and waved them on their way. Pattern safely secured, the two stopped by the next-door cafe, ‘The Stray Dog’, (home to aspiring and established artists alike), for a spot of tea. And thence all collapsed.

[darklyndivinely]

I finished reading the shadow and bone series and I've got thoughts and some unpopular opinions so let's go. Spoilers for the books btw.

I downloaded the books back in April 2021. I saw six of crows being recommended everywhere and wanted to read the whole of the story. I remember coming here on Tumblr to scope out the vibe of the books as well as to read some reviews perhaps. What I learned then was that people hated Malina, loved the Darkling, and hated the ending. I did try to start reading the first book back then, but got distracted.

I picked them up again a week ago after watching season 2 of the show. The majority don't like Mal, albeit Show!Mal is a bit more loved. Perhaps it was the awareness of this already widely agreed upon opinion of everyone's or maybe it was just the image of Archie Renaux in my mind, but I did not hate Mal at all. I actually really understood him. I'm not saying he's the best love interest. He's not. He's got some glaring flaws. But he cares for Alina. And he's done some mistakes. He was an absolute ass to her, but he apologized. He admitted his mistakes and tried to do better. You can't tell me that you wouldn't try to distance yourself from the person that you are in love with if you realised that that is the good thing to do. He can be shitty, and absolutely terrible at communication, and he's got some bad coping mechanisms, but he's human. I don't know why the fandom doesn't try to understand him.

Let's move on to Alina, who despite being the protagonist, isn't as loved as I had expected. Many people said that she's a Mary Sue. That she just doesn't have flaws and starts and ends the same way. I'll admit it can be a bit difficult to see it, but I thought she really grew into herself. She was more confident, cunning, outspoken, understood different people's perspectives and experiences better. And she's absolutely hilarious (I was thinking of compiling all the bits from her that made me wheeze). She isn't a total Mary Sue (maybe a bit, I'll admit that). The answer is clear when you compare her to an actual Mary Sue character like Rey Skywalker from the Star wars sequels.

Her story has a circular ending. She starts as a nobody and that's how she finishes. I'm still a bit sceptical about it. I'm with it, but I'm also not. The foreshadowing for it (the soldiers of light bit) was decent. Her losing her powers made sense, cause if she hadn't she wouldn't ever be able to be at peace again, she'd have to spend her entire life shouldering the burden of being a one of a kind grisha and a saint. But I also do not like how she's being forced to live without them when it was so integral to her well being. The loss of them has been described as the loss of a limb. And I feel deeply for her.

I really enjoy Nikolai, he's absolutely hilarious. Misha is baby. Tolya and Tamar are amazing (wtf why aren't there more fics about them????).

Moving on to The Darkling. I do not ship Darklina, but I did enjoy the connection they had for the entirety of the third book. The confidence of telling Alina his name touched me a bit. What I really enjoyed, however, was the way he isn't portrayed as a complete morally black character. He's done fucked up shit but when you look at it from his perspective you realise that all that he has been through, the pain, the heartache and the betrayals have led him to shy away from attachments. He's not redeemable, and that's fine. I don't ship him with Alina, but I can appreciate the underlying intent for his actions. He did them the only way he knew how.

Overall, I really enjoyed the books. Gonna move on to Six of Crows now. If you read all of this, I appreciate it <3

[phosphorescent-naidheachd]

 @goblins-riddles-or-frocks replied to your post:Sunday Snippet

I love this!! I think my favorite take on these two is just throwing them together post r&r and seeing how they claw their way out of their respective traumas. and idk second choice romance is so poignant to me.

I love what a gut punch it is for her to say “I thought I was” there. where do you even go from that! especially after already getting married, and the nature of royalty being what it is I get not knowing how to resolve it tho, I’m stalling on pretty much the same issue myself alas

Ahhh, thank you!! I love the dynamic between these two, and doubly so during and post R&R. They have #CompatibleTraumas, and I think it’s a lot of fun to explore the ways the characters’ traumas and emotional needs interact—both for better and for worse. 

And yes to your statement about second choice/second chance romances!

IMO, even more than her feelings for Mal or the Darkling, the main obstacle to canon Nikolai/Alina is that canon!Alina is unsuited for life as a political figure. From a Doylist perspective, this unsuitability boils down to Bardugo’s desire to have Alina end her story by returning to Keramzin with Mal at her side—an ending that wouldn’t work anymore if Alina was allowed to fully grow into her leadership role. 

I think you’re the person I’ve discussed this with before, but while I understand what Bardugo was trying to narratively achieve, and I don’t wholly disagree with it, it still frustrates me to see Alina start to reach her potential, only to repeatedly have it cut off and watch her start from scratch over and over again. I’ll freely admit that this is a matter of personal preference as much as it is objective critique! 

I’m sure a thousand metas have been written about how Alina’s different love interests symbolize different parts of herself and different paths she could have taken, but it always hits me anew each time I think about her canonical relationships.

ANYWAY.

I feel like Nikolai could respond to Alina’s accusations by retreating behind his ‘perfect prince’ veneer, or he could be emotionally open with her, as he has been in the past. Likewise, I can see Alina either retreating from him or having a real conversation with him. Despite the rocky start to their acquaintance, the two of them have been pretty low-drama together when it comes to the personal stuff!

Yeah, the nature of royalty means divorce or even an official separation aren’t really options—especially not without the existence of an heir and a spare!—which would only make Alina feel more trapped. That said, I can see Alina going on a PR tour/diplomatic trip/secret mission by herself (albeit accompanied by guards/friends) as a solution of sorts, as that would temporarily give her space from Nikolai, the palace, and her ordinary duties. Likewise, I think it would help Alina if she did more work with the common people, as that’s something that feeds her soul in the same way working with the nobility drains her. 

The role of queen can’t be completely changed without creating problems for the Lantsov reign, especially since Nikolai came to the throne under the circumstances he did, but I think Alina and he could get away with tweaking it some. Alina’s sainthood would aid them in this, as it lets conservatives write her off as the exception rather than the rule, while also gradually accustoming everyone to a different type of queenship.

That said, I think my resolution might simply be adding Zoya into the mix (and potentially moving the entire scene into my WIP Nikolai/Zoya/Alina fic). 

Zoya tosses her dark, glossy curls back. “Self-pity isn’t a good look on you, Starkov.”

“Self-pity?”

“None of us forced you to stay; no one forced you to marry Nikolai. This was your choice. And now you want to quit because, what, it’s too hard?” She sniffs derisively. “If you’re going to run away, do it now before you’ve established yourself any further. I’m sure someone will step up to fill your place.”

Alina sputters, furious. “I—I’m not running away.”

Even if I wanted to, I have nowhere left to go.

“If you say so.” Her tone is infuriatingly, airily dismissive. “But then, that’s your modus operandi, isn’t it? Running away when things get too real?”

“I’m not a coward,” Alina spits back.

Zoya smiles, all teeth and disdain. “Then prove it.”

[sleepless-crows]

hi! I don’t think that’s really why I ship nikolina personally. I multi ship and do enjoy zoyalai a lot too but nikolina is just more interesting to me bc of the ways they offset each other. like nikolai’s perspective of like image and politics above all else vs alina only really caring about how meaningful things are/actual happiness. like I think they could help each other grow? and I especially was just really into the shared trauma aspect hinted at in r&r when he asks her to stay because he thought only she could understand. and idk arranged marriage type stuff is just very fun to me! and like the vulnerability it takes for characters in an arranged marriage to admit that they’re genuinely in love when it started out as a practical arrangement. I like it way more than forbidden romance so that just ends up being a point for it over zoyalai to me. and also just the potential angst of it being really clear that someone else was always alina’s first choice.

anyway yes nikolai/alina/zoya and zoyalina are themselves also galaxy brained ships and I absolutely love them too! tgt is just very shippable imo 😂

thank you for sharing your opinion! i get where you're coming from, i do agree that the way nikolai and alina offset each other definitely allows growth and development in their relationship as individuals. and i definitely think it would've been interesting if leigh chose to write nikolina. and i hope you know i really appreciate you sharing all that <33 because i'm going to try and say my side now too.

i don't know if i've just been out of touch with shadow and bone, since i don't read or think about it as much as the 2 duologies. but i personally ship zoyalai because i don't think nikolai ever really loved alina that way. and i get why some people find arranged marriages interesting, but i love nikolai so much and i feel i root for him more than alina's story. and instead of finding it interesting, it's heartbreaking to me to see nikolai have to give up so much his whole life. and i think he deserves to choose someone he truly loves, and i think he loves zoya. i'm not against nikolina, just my perspective! i don't really mind the forbidden romance since i think it's written well but i understand the preference! and on the other hand, i don't think alina also loved nikolai that way. she clearly loves mal and i just want her to be happy. and on zoya's end, i think she deserves someone who loves her as much as nikolai does. she's been through a lot and i think nikolai truly loves her and she truly loves him and that's all i really care about in a ship. but i'm so grateful to hear your side <3

and i don't multi ship so i hope that makes it easier.

also, i still don't understand zoyalina. can someone please tell me if they ship that, why? (i'm just really curious and i love hearing your opinions!)

following ask

[n1kolaiz]

The Six Realms

Okay, so I was pretty close to giving up on writing analyses but I'm back LMFAO plus I see we're close to 100 followers and I just want to thank you guys for being so very supportive <3

Alright, I'm not sure if anyone's ever written about this, but if an analysis like this exists, please do let me know because I'm kind of curious as to what other people think about this, too!

Remember that time Fukuchi spoke about bringing "about the five signs of an angel's death"?

I read a little bit more about it, and as a minor content warning: this analysis will focus on a few religious aspects (Buddhism + Hinduism). So if I get any of the facts wrong, firstly: I do not mean any disrespect to either religion, and secondly: please do correct me if I interpret anything in the wrong way.

Spoilers for BSD chapter 90 onwards + BEAST!AU under the cut!

So I'll start by talking about the Decay of Angels. As we all know, the members include Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Nikolai Gogol, Sigma, and Bram Stoker, and their leader, Fukuchi Ochi. After Fyodor's arrest, the Decay of Angels came into light with Nikolai murdering four government officials in a week. These murders symbolise the Buddhist cycle of existence, or otherwise known as samsara: the cycle of life, death, and rebirth.

"We are the Decay of Angels—hiding here as terrorists, a 'murder association', five people who will announce the demise of the celestial world."

Nikolai Gogol, chapter 57

Samsara is described to be a concept beyond human understanding. According to Hinduism, samsara is the physical world where every being has its soul trapped into a physical vessel. The Hindus believe that everything has a soul, and due to a soul's attachment to desire, it is forced into a deathless cycle of being born, dying, and reincarnating into a different body. In Buddhism, the ultimate way to break free from this cycle is by obtaining nirvana.

Nirvana is a Sanskrit word for the goal of the Buddhist path: enlightenment or awakening. In Pali, the language of some of the earliest Buddhist texts, the word is nibbana; in both languages it means "extinction" (like a lamp or flame) or "cessation." It refers to the extinction of greed, ill will, and delusion in the mind, the three poisons that perpetuate suffering. Nirvana is what the Buddha achieved on the night of his enlightenment: he became completely free from the three poisons. Everything he taught for the rest of his life was aimed at helping others to arrive at that same freedom.

- TRICYCLE'S definition of nirvana

As Fukuchi mentions in the panel above, there are six different realms of existence. These realms represent every possible state of existence, but one cannot live in a specific realm forever. Depending on whether or not one's past actions were morally good or bad, an individual is born into one of these realms. Basically, the controlling factor of which realm a person is born into is dependent on their respective karma. The realms are separated into two categories: the hellish ones and the heavenly ones.

The Deva Realm: where beings are rewarded for the good deeds they have done. This realm is void of anything unpleasant. It is basically paradise— empty of unfulfilled desires, any form of suffering, and fears of every kind. Religious individuals, however, do not seek to be born into this realm since its attitude is more or less carefree.

The Asura Realm: where demigods are admitted. Asuras are driven by greed and envy, and may come in conflict with human beings since they are quite similar. They are powerful beings, but quarrel with each other quite a bit, making this realm quite undesirable to be reborn into.

The Animal Realm: where beings are given the form of an animal (you probably guessed that lol). Individuals here don't actually have good karma to take pride in, but rather, they are born into this realm to work off their bad karma (by being slaughtered, hunted, or forced to work, etc). Being born into this realm forces one to atone for their past sins by living out their life as an animal.

The Hell Realm: where one is punished for their evil actions. The most merciless of realms, where one pays for their transgressions through pure suffering, methods of which include: dismemberment, starvation, and psychological/physical torture. However, once a person's term is fulfilled in this realm, they are presumably promised to be reborn into a higher state.

The Preta Realm: similar to the hell realm, in which beings pay for their past sins (specifically: greed and stinginess) by having to survive through hunger and thirst. This realm is also known as the 'ghost realm,' because some pretas are psychologically tortured by being forced to live in places their past selves have lived in. They are invisible to human beings living at that time, which pushes them to face the depths of despair and loneliness. Your typical horror movie, really.

The Human Realm: the only realm where one's actions determine their future. The status (social ranking, physical wellbeing, and so on) of a human being in this realm is determined by their past actions, but due to the fact that a person has their own conscience to differentiate good morals from bad, the actions they commit in this realm have the power to determine which realm they are sent to next.

Okay, so now that I've got that out of the way, let's shift our focus to the Book. Very little is known about the Book, but the basic fundamentals of how it works is that whatever is written in the book will come into existence only if its contents follow the rules of karma. In addition to that, only a few sentences can be written into a single page of the Book, and it must follow the current narrative of the story.

If I'm not wrong, the first time the Book was mentioned was by Fitzgerald, who wanted it to resurrect his deceased daughter in hopes of restoring his wife's mental health. The next time the Book is brought up is when Fyodor's intentions to possess it are divulged; his goal was to decimate the global population of ability-users. And now, the current arc has the Book as its central focus, with a single page in Fukuchi's possession.

[ BEAST!AU spoilers ]

The Book acts as the central point of multiverses, with each character's lives differing from universe to universe.

Dazai committing suicide in this alternate universe stands in sharp contrast with how he decided to start up a new life in the main universe.

Oda staying alive to act as a mentor to Akutagawa in the ADA differs from how Oda uses his death to prompt Dazai to "be on the side that saves people."

And of course, the way Atsushi and Akutagawa have their positions switched in the two universes depicts how different their lives would be if they were given the chance to be mentored by different people— these are just a few examples of how the Book houses an endless amount of possibilities.

[ end of BEAST!AU spoilers ]

Hypothetically speaking, this kind of reminds me of the differing realms I mentioned before, where suffering is promised in some realms, and better things are granted in the rest, depending on one's karma, or the deeds they've done in their past lives. In this scenario, perhaps one's past life can be understood as one's current life in a different universe. That's just a personal opinion though. Take it as you will.

side note: Keep in mind that the person who is more or less impervious to the Book's effect is Dazai, with his nullification ability. I wouldn't want to propose any theories in this aspect (I don't believe I'm fully fact-checked ;_;), but I could use Dazai as a raw example of how your choices affect your future. If Dazai had decided to stay in the Port Mafia after Oda's death, or if he even decided to go through with his suicidal fixations, life would've been different for him in the root universe (obviously, ryley) I mean, you could basically understand that from how he ended up in the BEAST au, but imagine if he really did slip up in his decision-making in any of the universes.

Many analysts have proposed that he went MIA (early in his life) from the main universe for a while to figure out how the BEAST universe worked, whilst having the Book to his advantage. Perhaps his actions were guided? I'm not saying he's all-knowing, but he's sure as hell smart. I'm not sure if Kafka was trying to highlight the concept of karma when it comes to Dazai, but if he is, then I suppose you could say that Dazai is pretty much unaffected by the rules of karma, existing as the centerpiece of all the multiverses. No Longer Human is the namesake of his ability, but the book talks about disqualification from societal norms and generally, the world. I was talking about it with a friend, and they reminded me that Yozo (the main protagonist) was pretty strong in his views against society. Like he didn't speak out of total defeat, he spoke out of defense. If there was anything Dazai actually lost to, it was his guilt— "Living itself is a source of sin."

Then again, that's my personal interpretation since everyone has their unique perspective of his writings. In terms of the actual adaptation, you could translate the word 'disqualification' to 'insusceptibilty' when if it came to the Book's effects on Dazai? This side note is becoming really long lmao anyways I'll link a few theories which afflicted me with brainrot down below.

Another thing before I wrap up, the name 'Decay of Angels' stemmed from Yukio Mishima's book entitled 'The Decay of An Angel.' This is the final novel to the author's tetralogy: 'The Sea of Fertility.' The main protagonist, Honda, meets a person he believes to be a reincarnation of his friend, Kiyoaki, who takes the form of a young teenage boy named Tōru. The last novel of this series enhances Mishima's dominant themes of the series as a whole:

the decay of courtly tradition in Japan

the essence and value of Buddhist philosophy and aesthetics

Mishima’s apocalyptic vision of the modern era

Again, this could be referred to what Fukuchi goes on to say:

Some people view the concept of samsara optimistically, justifying it by saying that perhaps each individual is given a second (third, fourth, fifth, who knows) chance to refine their actions in order to be birthed into a better realm, with their karma being the independent variable.

On the other hand, other people, specifically the Hindus, view the cycle of existence as some sort of plague. To them, the flow of life and being forced to endure the suffering of mere existence in any form was somewhat frowned down upon. Some Hindus viewed samsara as a trap. Besides, having one's soul being limited to a physical body for the rest of eternity was not very appealing, especially since where they ended up at depended on the karmic value their past actions surmounted.

Even so, particular types of Buddhists don't seek nirvana, but instead, like the Hindus, they make an effort to be good people of society, building up their good deeds to increase the likelihood of being reborn into one of the better realms.

As mentioned before, the Deva Realm was the home of angels, the most carefree, gratified beings to exist. Fukuchi describes these angels as the people who don't get their hands dirty, the people who act as the puppeteers of society: politicians.

In terms of parallels, angels were the most fortunate and powerful, but they didn't have anyone ruling over them. A lack of supervision would lead to the abuse of power, which is what I believe Fukuchi was referring to. Deeming himself the Decay of Angels, he sought to prove himself as the 'sign of death that falls on the nation's greed.'

A few fun facts (okay, not really) about Yukio Mishima: he committed seppuku (ritual suicide by disembowelment) on the day he held a speech to voice out his unpopular political beliefs to the public. Mishima deeply treasured traditions and opposed the modern mindset the nation was advancing forward to adapt eventually. In his last book, The Decay of an Angel, he spoke about the five signs which complete the death of an angel:

Here are the five greater signs: the once-immaculate robes are soiled, the flowers in the flowery crown fade and fall, sweat pours from the armpits, a fetid stench envelops the body, the angel is no longer happy in its proper place.

The Decay of an Angel, p.53

The reviews about this series I've read so far describe Mishima's works to be quite complex; his writings demanded a lot of time to deconstruct and understand. They were highly symbolic, and he was pretty obsessed with death and the 'spiritual barrenness of the modern world.' I think you could attach a few strings from here to the mindsets of the DOA members. Of course, this parallel is completely abstract, but I'll go on rambling anyway:

He should have armed them with the foreknowledge that would keep them from flinging themselves after their destinies, take away their wings, keep them from soaring, make them march in step with the crowd. The world does not approve of flying. Wings are dangerous weapons. They invite self-destruction before they can be used. If he had brought Isao to terms with the fools, then he could have pretended that he knew nothing of wings.

The Decay of an Angel, p.113

I suppose you could resonate Nikolai with that excerpt. As much as Fukuchi takes the lead in this whole murder association, I'd like to believe that each member of the DOA plays an equally interesting part in whatever movement they're trying to execute. Fyodor feels it is his god-sent purpose to cleanse the world of its sins, his motto being, "Let the hand of God guide you." Sigma doesn't know where he belongs, since his origination comes from a page in the Book, and is fueled by the desperation to find a reason to live. Bram holds one of the most powerful abilities which is counted to be one of the "Top Ten Calamities to Destroy the World."

What I mean to say is that the DOA members are incredibly powerful, and they're not your ordinary antagonists (or I'm just biased). It's not just overthrowing authorities, mass genocide, and world domination— you could say that each individual is trying to utilize their purposes to their fullest expenditures, and the way they're trying to assert their plan into action is a little more passive-aggressive (framing the Agency, having a convo with a suicidal dude in jail, etc). They're the gray area between evil and good. As they framed the good guys for their own crimes, they're trying to conquer the bad guys for exploiting the innocent as they please.

This post would definitely age well if all hell breaks loose in the current arc (as if it didn't) and Kafka doesn't give us a happy ending.

That's all I have to say for now I guess! Thank you for reading, and once again, if anyone else something they wanna share, feel free to do so <3

sources (tryna follow Q's example ^_^) :

the six realms

samsara

the decay of angels

beast!au

the book

the sea of fertility

yukio mishima

theory: dazai’s emotional/mental state in beast!au

q’s theory: dazai being the protector of the book

theory: beast!dazai and the book

[lantsovsupremacist]

nikolai lantsov: august

@wafflesandschemingfaces requested a piece inspired by august, and i am more than happy to push the august agenda. THIS TOOK WAY TOO LONG IM SO SORRY!!! i hope it’s okay that i worked this in as a part two of “mirrorball.”

happy AUGUST babes! this was originally going to end angsty but i was feeling generous so enjoy the happier ending :)))

he tasted like salt, which had been a rarity at home. with the prices spiking in the cities, the smaller markets in the countryside could not supply even the simplest spice. having reignited the placated desire, you were greedy for more of him.

over the last seven months, you took advantage of nearly every opportunity the volkvony offered. you strengthened your abilities at sea with the careful instruction of the two other tidemakers onboard. tamar’s twin brother, toyla, guided your interest in grisha literature and history.

certain adjustments proved more difficult than others. you were no stranger to early work or rising in a shared room. however, despite the bright flush from the use of your powers, your muscles ached under the strain of the new practice. you found your training to be an unfamiliar yet cherished consistency.

you struggled with feelings of inferiority at first. the other female tidemaker, yelena, was a stowaway from the little palace. disregarding her heavy contempt for the school there, her experience helped you immensely.

peter was also a comfort in his own way. another self-taught grisha himself, it only pained you to hear of his family’s acceptance and attempts to teach him. your family might not have thrown you to the fjerdans but they offered little to help you control the power.

time could not move backwards to prevent your wounds but it could move forward to heal them.

now, perched on the deck beside yelena, you were calmer and more confident than ever before. you watched sturmhond out of the corner of you eye, turning your head in the wind to guide a piece of hair back out of your face. his white shirt billowed in the wind, sleeves rolled up and hands in the air to help dictate one of his famous stories.

“you look at him as if he hung the stars in the sky himself,” yelena snorted, elegantly drawing up a rather powerful wave to hasten your journey south, “trust me, he’ll take the hint and never let it go.”

but for you, perhaps he had. a new constellation, at least. three stars shined brighter than before for you, now visible to the naked eye. freedom, purpose, and opportunity. his gracious offer extended to beyond the imaginable.

“i could never have dreamed of this,” you replied earnestly, lightly bumping into her hip with your own.

“kerch does not have blondes, no?” she teased, exaggerating her already thick ravkan accent.

you blushed, nonetheless, “you’re going to get us off task, yelena.”

she rolled her eyes, returning her attention to the sea with a grunt. you did not miss the small smile that barely touched her face after, however. you would have missed it if she had not adjusted your arm, lifting it higher to create a higher crest.

in truth, you did not mind. you enjoyed observing. from your station at one side of the hull, you had a suitable view of the surrounding activity on the deck. storytelling only happened to be one of the aforementioned pursuits by the crew.

—

the first time was an accident. you nearly ran into him one morning during your second week onboard. the sun had filtered through the cracks in your room, beckoning your rise. you chased the sunbeams up the staircase adjacent to the door and soaked in the warmth they graciously provided.

the sunrise was magnificent. too distracted by the beauty painted in front of you in the sky, your elbow caught the captain’s. your eyes immediately went wide, an apology poised on your tongue. growing up with seven siblings, you were accustomed to making yourself smaller to allot room for the others. what other habits would you lose during your time aboard the volkvony?

“that’s quite alright,” sturmhond replied, eyes twinkling at the pale pink flush of your cheeks, “i suppose the sunrise caught my attention, as well,” he turned his head back, “though, that might not be all that did.”

as the tempo of your heart approached a crescendo, you nodded with a nervous smile. your eldest sister’s experiences with boys were all you had to go off of. your parents were together, yes, but as you aged, you realized that the nature of their union simply secured stability for the both of them. love had been an after thought and a forgotten one at that.

“want to watch it with me?” his eyes were brighter than the sun, more vibrant than the various hues splattered across the sky.

sounding just as much of a child as did he, you responded, “i would love to.”

he waited for no counter, immediately taking your hand in his to nearly drag you up the stairs. his hand was surprisingly warm despite the slight chill in the morning air. your brain fought the feeling of his touch at first, recognizing the pressure of his fingers now intertwined with yours but refusing to reciprocate the gesture.

by the time the sun reached a pinnacle in the sky, shining it seemed for just the two of you, you had given him your hand and your heart.

you let him memorize your story, pausing when he could not remember the order of your siblings. you repeated it until he could. the mornings were filled with whispers and soft touches. you thought he was helping you write a new story—one where maybe, you could have your perspective at the forefront.

—

the pressure of his his knee shamelessly pressing into yours dominated your thoughts. you decided that it would be more disconcerting to slide away from him but each passing moment added fuel to the fire of his warmth. you did not know what to think about the way he made you feel.

“i’m not who you think i am,” the privateer spoke, deadly calm. his tone did not waver, nor did the contact his eyes maintained with the horizon.

you wanted to tease the boy beside you but one look at the frown overtaking his face gave you pause. you felt increasingly uncomfortable, which you never did with him, not even when he first introduced himself. it was all wrong.

“i’m not sure what you mean,” you whispered hesitantly, trailing your fingers in the dust of the deck before they grew too numb to control.

his jaw clenched. his eyes bore into the sea. you only heard the sound of his breath—strangled and uneven.

“sturmhond,” you tried, watching as the wind ruffled his tawny and unkept hair.

“no,” he strained, “nikolai.”

an unusual name but a beautiful name, you decided.

“i-i don’t understand,” you fought to get the words out—battling with breaths instead of bombs, syllables instead of swords.

you wanted to push it all aside for naive hope, content with your pocket of fool’s gold.

“do you remember when we sailed to the outskirts of ravka?” he questioned you, gaining control of the previous shake in his voice.

you hummed in reply, trying to put together the pieces of his puzzle before he realized you had not finished yet.

the blonde looked like he was in pain when he next spoke, “the prince,” he began with his eyes timidly locked on your own, “his name is nikolai.”

contrary to your lack of education, you were clever and thus, able to fill in the blanks for yourself.

“who else knows?” you might have hoped for something more but you were not innocent enough to believe the prince only shared his identity with the girl who had succumbed to his longing stares.

“the twins,” he began with a sigh too heavy for him to carry alone, “yelena. one or two others.”

yelena knew. for some reason, your stomach turned at that. you knew it was misplaced and unnecessary jealously but there it sat all the same, weighing you down like an unmovable stone. a similar pressure pulsed behind your eyes, forcing a collection of tears to your waterline.

he offered an apology with words, but it was his eyes that held the true sincerity, the way his fingers restlessly knotted in his lap, and that even though it was a fight, he had moved aside to give you space. you wanted to believe that everything would be okay despite the change, that it could be, at least.

your heart ached. you never wanted him further away from you. or closer. his body was too familiar now.

nikolai never belonged to you, not really. and even if ravka would inevitably melt his golden heart and carelessly mold it to their benefit, he belonged to the broken country. not to you. never to you—alone.

with that, of course, you could not belong to him, either. a farmer’s daughter who did not complete her primary studies. maybe you did have a claim to grisha power, but you knew enough about ravka to understand that you would be a soldier. you already felt like one, fighting an endless battle between your head and heart. diligence and desire.

“you let me—,” you swallowed thickly, “give myself to you. you made it so easy to be sure.” now, you were no longer as certain in your decisions.

he kicked his feet in the water, unable to carry your gaze lest he lose it much like your heart, “i hoped it could be different.”

you searched for anything to ground yourself in along the horizon, burning your eyes in the sinking sun, “you’ll have to go back, then.”

he nodded, his head bobbing more fitfully than the waves, “yes.”

your did not want to talk any longer because if you did, you were sure that you would cry. you decided that you had, in fact, been foolish. how could you live off of hope alone? your destiny belonged to the fields not the sea.

“okay.”

“okay?” nikolai repeated, voice dancing between disbelief and what might have been anger, unable to remember the next step, “that’s all that’s left?”

“i think so,” you replied airily, turning to brush a lock of his hair behind his ear, “because i understand. i might not want to. well, i certainly don’t want to but—,”

you were cut off and for the blonde boy beside you to do it, you knew he had good reason. he gave you a voice simply by listening, something few had done for you before. your words had been stolen by his lips in the end.

“i might not be able to give you nikolai,” his lips were down turned but now flushed with color, “but i can give you sturmhond. i can give you nik,” he brought your hand to his heart, “that is if you’ll have me?”

you did not belong to prince nikolai of ravka. he could not be a character in your story. but, you could write another chapter. you could change the plot for the better.

you kissed him with as much fervor as he had earlier. he twisted his fingers into your hair, winding a passage to the back of your neck. you curled into the warmth radiating from his side, fisting his shirt before slowly pulling away.

“i can’t believe you’re a prince.”

that earned you a laugh. the laugh you knew you could never live with losing. if you could not have him entirely, you would hold onto anything that could be yours. just yours. for now, the heat of the sun on your faces split wide with grins was enough.

grishaverse taglist: @just-a-human-witha-pen @ilovemarvelanne1 @story-scribbler @subjecta13-thefangirl

[hanazou]

hi! i see an author writes for the DOA, and i absolutely go bonkers. could you please write some HCs (or whatever's most convenient) about Nikolai and/or Sigma teaching someone how to tie their shoes? please i know it sounds so odd but i STILL don't know how to tie shoes. thank you!

𝙣𝙞𝙠𝙤𝙡𝙖𝙞 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙞𝙜𝙢𝙖 𝙩𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙝𝙤𝙬 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙞𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙘𝙚𝙨

Book : Nikolai | Sigma

Genre : Fluff, (implied) romance

Shelf : Leather-bound

Note : You absolutely can, dearie! I thought about making scenarios instead but I think it's more fun to make them hcs hehe 💗 i hope u enjoy! feel free to request another if u don't 👌🏻

Nikolai isn’t aware of your inability to tie shoe laces but he does notice how you always wear the type of shoes without laces since he’s secretly perceptive. He notices the variety of colours of your shoes for the day (it’s a habit of his because he pays close attention to his own clothes), things like that, and doesn’t make a big deal out of it.

Because he’s a playful fellow, jumping around here and there (quite literally), you have to be physically active to be around him, meaning you have to move (run) a lot which leads to the subject of your inability to be mentioned sooner or later.

When he thinks about it, he notices that you wear various types of shoes but never running shoes with laces, which he thinks is the best type for you to wear if you’re with him. You can’t keep wearing impractical shoes like loafers, heels, or even slippers if you want to keep up with his… terrorism antics.

“You can’t keep up with me with those shoes forever, dove!” Nikolai pulls both your hands while walking backwards so he can keep seeing your face. You tell him there aren’t any other shoes around there you can easily change into, and he offers the solution.

“Absolutely no problem!” Nikolai activates his Overcoat, dips his hand into the empty space, and takes out a pair of running shoes, hanging from his grip by the laces. “Here you go!”

While you hesitantly accept the brand new running shoes you’re sure he stole from somewhere, you admit that you don’t know how to tie the laces, which also explains why you never wear this type of shoes. Nikolai sees no problem with that and instead sees this as a fun opportunity to teach you something new.

To him, it feels like teaching a kid, which makes him feel elated because it fits his youthful personality. 

“You should’ve told Gogol! I can teach you how!” He takes the shoes from you and gets on his knees. “Step out of your shoes for a while!”

Maybe too elated. He’s so enthusiastic about it that when he teaches you, his rambles would be a little too fast for you to keep up. Nikolai also uses magic show analogies, such as saying that the loops are bunny ears.

Nikolai teaches you a lot of hacks and styles he knows of, sometimes rambling off topic about how he discovered each of them, and then getting back on track with an “Oops! So, back to what I was saying~”

From your perspective, looking at Nikolai from above who shrinks into a crouch who's happily yapping about how to tie shoelaces, giving his personal hacks and favourite styles here and there, makes you feel adored. The enthusiasm in his voice is unmatched.

Make sure you listen carefully because when he’s done demonstrating, he asks you to do the other one yourself. When you kneel down to redo what he did while muttering his explanation, mentioning the same analogies, Nikolai watches you with hands on his cheeks and a big smile on your face as if he’s a child admiring his favourite TV show.

If you’re hesitant in the steps or forget how to do it halfway, he takes the initiative to help you by holding your hands in his to guide you, making sure that you’re following just fine.

When you get to the last step, which is to knot the loops, he tests you. “Pop quiz! What comes after making the bunny ears?” If you get the answer right, Nikolai would be so happy that you actually listen to him.

“Ding Ding, correct!”

After you finish tying it, Nikolai attacks you in a huge hug, pushing you off your feet till you roll on your back on the ground. “Aren’t you a fast learner? It’s so fun watching my own bunny tie a bunny ear knot! If you forget next time, ask Gogol to teach you!”

Bonus: if you start to wear shoes with laces around him more often, this sneaky clown will definitely try to trip you by stepping on the lace.

It’s the little things like this that he enjoys before finally achieving true freedom.

Sigma, although very perceptive and observant, is a busy man on a daily basis. He may notice what kind of shoes you wear daily since it’s his habit from running Sky Casino to observe everything, but he doesn’t really connect the dots on why you never wear shoes with laces.

After carefully choosing his words, he politely asks if the reason you never wear shoes with laces is because of financial problems, which he explains is something he can assist with.

“Or maybe it’s because you don’t like that kind of shoes?” Sigma thumbed his chin. “They’re usually flexible and comfortable to wear though,”

When you explain to him that it’s because you don’t know how to tie the laces, he nods slowly, processing your answer. Unlike Nikolai who sees this as an opportunity to have some fun with you, Sigma bears no particular opinion. Since he’s still a man who’s still learning about this world, he sees your inability as another normal thing that just, happens, with some people. If anything, he sees this as a chance to learn more about how people have diverse colourful aspects to them.

One day, he invites you over to his office and asks you to sit down, presenting a box of brand new laced shoes to you.

“I hope you don’t find this offensive, but if you’d like, I can teach you how to tie your shoelaces.” He scratches his cheek, nervously smiling. He’s hoping for you to say yes, and boy do those shoes look expensive.

Remember when I said Sigma doesn’t have any opinion about this? Maybe he does, and he only realized it when carefully picking those shoes for you. He’s looking forward and even was excited to teach you something he knows, since assisting those precious to him is what gives him a reason for existing.

If you agree to let him demonstrate how, Sigma kneels in front of you, posing like a prince from a children’s story, and places your heel on his thigh so you can perfectly see how it’s done from your seat (he’s a gentleman I love him).

Sigma teaches you the most straightforward shoelace tying method he knows, uses his most gentle voice, and makes sure you can keep up with his explanation and demonstration by occasionally asking if you’re still following.

He offers to teach more tricks and tips he learned from the internet when he first tried to learn tying his own laces. When he does this, his speech speeds up a bit and his smile grows, mirroring his enthusiasm.

Sigma secretly wants you to ask more things. Sigma has memorized the types of shoes with laces his customer in Sky Casino wears, why they wear that type, what kind of model fits certain types of people, and he’s excited to share his knowledge with you.

He makes sure that the knots on your new shoes are tightly done but not too strong around your foot.

“I made sure the size fits your feet before buying them, I hope your feet aren't hurting.” He fidgets.

Sigma asks if you’d like to tie the other one yourself or if you want him to repeat it. If you want to do it, he watches you and kindly offers corrections if you did a step wrong. If you want him to repeat his example, he’d be more than happy to.

Bonus: If you wear the shoes Sigma gifts you around Sky Casino, he’ll subtly blush and ask if they’re comfortable to wear (they better be, since he was careful in picking that pair) and whether you’re happy with how they look.

📜 ; like what you read? visit my bookshop!

[dontwakeme-causeimdreaming]

Ok I’ve seen a lot of hate for Mal, but I wanted to share my thoughts anyway. (If you hate Mal, just scroll. Or read to try and see my perspective. Either or!) This will be long.

-I was truly rooting for them right from the prologue in S&B. I loved how in every prologue and epilogue, they were referred to as the “boy and the girl”.

- Mal acknowledges that he didn’t truly see her until she left for the Little Palace, but in my personal interpretation (others are valid, this is just mine) he wasn’t saying he only started to appreciate her when she became powerful, he meant he started to appreciate her because of the little things he was missing (like rushing to tell her a story or their bantering)

- There is nothing this boy wouldn’t do for her. He deserted the army, which was a position he really enjoyed. He was willing to step aside and be supportive of Alina potentially marrying Nikolai, even though he knew that he and Alina were still in love because he 1. Felt he wasn’t worthy 2. Thought it would be best for Alina

- He was an asshole in S&S. Like a complete dick. But, I honestly find it understandable because 1. He’s like 17, 2. He knew Alina was lying to him (which she was at that point in time about seeing the Darkling and her fears of going mad), and he took her lack of communication as “I don’t want to be with you anymore”. Should he have stayed to listen to her explanation? Of course. But I do understand that it must be incredibly hard to watch your best friend grow to be one of the most important/powerful people in the country while you’re left in the dust.

- Had Mal not changed in R&R, I wouldn’t like him. But I think he redeems himself. He acknowledges he was an asshole, then does everything in his power to make amends for that. He acknowledges that his love alone doesn’t mean he deserves her, and respects her relationship/political alliance/friendship with Nikolai and only asks that Nikolai deserves her. He literally lays down his life for Alina, and spends the entire R&R trying to give Alina something, anything, because that’s all he can do.

- Alina forgives Genya for helping the Darkling. She forgives David for putting the collar around her neck. She forgives Nikolai for kissing her without her permission. She forgives Tolya and Tamar for lying to her about being in contact with the Apparat. It makes perfect sense that Alina would forgive Mal too for his actions in S&S. Let’s not forget, she wasn’t perfect either and it seemed at some times as though she was treating him more like a servant than a friend (even though he was the captain of her guard she could’ve been more respectful; he was still her best friend). Mal even says in R&R that Alina doesn’t reserve her friendship for perfect people, and both Mal and Alina have their flaws but they forgive each other anyway

- The way that Tolya describes Mal’s love for Alina genuinely made me cry (“[Mal] watches [Alina] the way Harshaw watches fire. Like hell never have enough of her. Like he’s trying to capture what he can before she’s gone”). Like with a description about their like that from a third party, I find it difficult to understand why some people don’t believe they truly loved each other

- IMO, the Darkling wanted Alina for what she could do. He threatened to take away everything she loved until she had no one to rely on but him, and even Alina acknowledged that the Darkling would see Alina as her equal only until she disobeyed him. That’s not a hallmark of a good relationship for me. Nikolai also sees Alina for what she can do. Yes, Alina and Nikolai become good friends, but their relationship would have been strictly strategic (much like everything Nikolai does). Nikolai said that perhaps one day he and Alina could grow to love each other in their marriage, but after growing up without a family, I think Alina deserves a marriage for love as opposed to for political gain. Mal has always loved Alina for Alina; he doesn’t love her for her power, but honestly in spite of it (which may not be the healthiest thing, but he grows to accept her power and even feels guilty for every negative thought he had about her power by the end of R&R)

- Alina constantly thought about running away, but never did because of her duty. She didn’t want the life she was thrust into, but felt as though she had to live it because she was the Sun Summoner (which I’m glad she did follow her duty, that was noble). But when she completes her mission (for lack of a better word) and kills the Darkling and destroys the fold, she finally has a chance to live a life she chooses as opposed to a life she is forced into because of what she can do. I’m happy she chooses love as opposed to the power of being queen / potential of possibly falling in love with Nikolai, and I’m glad she got to live the ordinary life she wanted.

-I think the ending is fitting. I don’t think it’s a cop out that she ends up with Mal and leaves the Grisha world. It takes a lot of strength to say no to the allure of power, which is what Alina does by choosing to love Mal instead of being Nikolai’s queen. This ability to say no to power is what Morozova and the Darkling couldn’t do, which was the catalyst for the entire series. Therefore I think it is fitting that the ending is the opposite of the catalyst, that Alina abandons her opportunity to remain in power and lives a life feeling the love she’s always wanted since she was an orphaned child

-Also the final epilogue is just so cute from the staff’s POV where they mention catching Alina and Mal just kissing behind the stairs and whatnot and that a life in love can’t be called ordinary

Ok I’m done (for now). That was wicked long-winded but I just really love Mal and Alina together.

[mhevarujta]

The Darkling in Rule of Wolves [SPOILERS]

I have seen very different opinions about The Darkling’s arc in Rule of Wolves.

Many haters think that his sacrifice did not make sense for his character, especially since he did not repent.

Many of those who stan a romanticized version of the character have complained that his complexity was taken away and that he was vilified excessively.

So here I am, feeling the need to explain why I believe that he is still a very complex character and that Leigh has written him in a way that further what she’s already established for the character in a beautiful way that we rarely see in the genre.

In fact, I think that Leigh has no anti-Darkling agenda. She wrote him as a villain that is a series of contradictions and who has a great arc of existential crisis; an arc which leads to him fixing some of the damage he’s caused.

Most villains in YA either keep to their villainous goal, or are centuries-old men who, after being set in his ways for so long, conveniently have a rushed redemption arc and a change of beliefs that doesn’t make sense and feels like they have had a change of personality. Leigh managed to tiptoe between the two.

Some Themes That Make It Into  The Darkling’s arc in Rule of Wolves:

 POWER & SAVING THE GRISHA:

As always, we saw that Alina has an influence on him. He allowed himself to be more vulnerable with her because he saw her as his equal. But that influence is about the need of having his power and the life he endured be understood rather than romance. Both of them have experienced the greed that comes with THAT kind of power, but they always had an ideological conflict. Alina did not draw the line on personal sacrifice but she was always trying to help the people. She would sacrifice her life and her powers. He wouldn’t… Or would he?

In Rule of Wolves, Alina poses a question that he thinks he has an answer to: Why does he have to be the savior? What about everything other people have done for his country? His answer is ‘power’. If HE who is special, who has all that power, all that experience, then who is going to make a difference?

There is a contradiction here. This is a man who genuinely cares, but whose idealism is an echo of the caring person he’d once been. It has become hollow.

 The Darkling, by the age of 13, had changed hundreds of names and moved constantly, had been hunted by his own people, betrayed by people he’d tried to help and had to resort to self-harm in order to survive. That was when he promised he’d create a sanctuary for The Grisha.

And then he lived centuries of wars, betrayals and setbacks. He gave and gave until he had enough and went completely off the rails. His people were his aim, but he became so desperate that he crossed every line. He turned from a mentor to a puppetmaster. His was so fixated on the idea of ending the wars that he could not see that he was employing the same methods he was trying to end.

The more he lived, the more he left pieces of himself behind because he could not go on otherwise.

He thought that by ruling, by becoming king and weaponizing the fold, he would end all wars. He still wants to be the savior.

  BEING UNAPOLOGETIC & ‘NOTHING LEFT’

 Even when he dies, Aleksander does not repent, but at the same time he is very much aware of having committed atrocities and even during his last moment with Alina he does not apologize.

After all, that’s what he learned since he was a child. Baghra was his teacher and he was an apt pupil:

 His awareness of having crossed the line is obvious by the fact that he did not want a grave. He knew it’d be desecrated. Even though he was not sorry for trying, he knew that without having achieved his end nothing could begin to excuse what he’d done. He knew how hated he was.

There would be nothing left of him; no physical remnants, no legacy, and only one person to mourn the person he could have been. He leaves the world with this knowledge.

His true name is erased.

Being in his head, we see that, upon his return he is thinking of himself as Aleksander while using a different name (Yuri’s) once more. He is still hiding, and as long as he has to hide, the world is not as he wants it. As long as he’s hiding he can’t leave a legacy behind.

So based on what we know of his actions and of the way he’s loves, I think that

- the Darkling wanting to see Alina and to be understood by her, but being resistant to her morality and crossing her one more time to take his powers back,

- being accustomed to hardship and to biding his time,

-underestimating Nikolai and the triumvirate and seeing them as weak individuals instead of considering them as a strong unit,

- using Yuri’s name but still thinking of himself as Aleksander,

-taking advantage of the Starless to make his dramatic return while saving Ravka and gaining the people’s gratitude and worship,

-wanting Ravka to win and aiding Nikolai when because HE couldn’t win single-handedly and he didn’t want to lose but still thinking that, since the bells had been destroyed, HE was a batter option to lead.

are very much in character.

There are three major things about his arc that readers may consider to be out of character:

a)      The Darkling helping Zoya rise as a queen/

b)      Aleksander choosing to sacrifice himself to stop the blight.

c)       The public revelation of his name.

So let’s examine them one by one.

__________________________________

a)      Aiding the rise of the Dragon Queen.

Aleksander questions both Zoya and Nikolai. He considers them children, one two weak to embrace her powers when she could be among the strongest Grisha who have ever lived and the other too immature to use his political power for anything more than playing pirate. In fact he thinks they are ‘dangerous to him and to his country’.

 During the last battle Aleksander is forced to consider things that he hadn’t before.

One is the question Alina posed to him. Is HE the only one who can save them? The other can be summed up with Mal’s joke: ‘You’re rusty old man’.

 After he snapped and decided that he must rule and that he has to use the Fold, Aleksander pursued his goal single-mindedly. But war changed around him. People moved from swords, to guns, to bombs, but Aleksander’s power was constant, reliable. And then THIS was and Rasmus’ Hajefetla came. The Darkling thought he could give them victory but he HAD his power and couldn’t use it.

But even when everything seems lost, Nikolai fights and is ready to sacrifice everything. Slowly, the Darkling’s view of Nikolai shifts throughout the book.

He sees how Nikolai cares for all his people. How he was strong enough to embrace the monster and to make sacrifices and he helps him. But even then, after the bells are destroyed, he still thinks that he is the best chance his country has and steps back.

But the second miracle does happen. The Darkling had dismissed Zoya as a girl who couldn’t open her heard and embrace her power, but she opens the door. She saves the day both with her strength and with her mercy. She makes the show of power that The Darkling himself made to do and she exceeds his expectations.

And at that moment, Zoya could have been seen as a monster, a witch, all the things that Grisha had been hated for. So The Darkling chooses to give the push the people need; to be the one to break them out of their shock and push them to the direction that suits Ravka before anyone else does: ‘Sankta Zoya’.

And when he makes a stand in her favor when she gets accepted as a queen:

1) Even though I don’t believe he still thought of Zoya as a pawn at this point, I DO believe that he had realized how showing his allegiance might give him a potential opening to call in a favor if he ever needed it.

2) Helping her makes sense because even he would be able to see that a Grisha who has military, political and religious power and who has immeasurable power that could only grow gives Ravka its best chance.

3) He has the opportunity to further Ravka’s political stability while getting rid of the Apparat, whom he despises both because he betrayed him personally and because he is a rat who keeps endangering the Grisha and even Ravka as a whole.

He used all the influence he had left.

b)      EXISTENTIAL CRISIS AND SELF-SACRIFICE

Throughout Rule of Wolves, The Darkling goes through an existential crisis. He is trying to remain the same, to keep to his old practices, but by the end of the book he understands that the world has changed and he has to change in some way too. He does not have a complete change of heart. People are mostly set in their personality by their adulthood and a tiger easily changing its striped after centuries would be completely unrealistic. Neither are his crimes glossed over. But the reasons he sacrifices himself are woven throughout the story.

-A theme throughout the story is that we started in Shadow And Bone from ‘the age of Grisha power is coming to an end’ and went to ‘the age of Saints is upon us’. What is the main difference between Grisha and Saints? It’s faith. It’s the way the ‘saints’ are accepted and worshipped for their power and sacrifice. The Darkling wants to be loved. He wants for his sacrifices to be recognized.

In a single scene we see both his inability to adjust to the world he finds himself in and his need for his efforts to be recognized. Because he DID give his life for Ravka. He did so, from his perspective, when he was killed during the Civil War, but he also did by not having really had peace or REALLY lived his life since he was a child.

In the main trilogy he was bitter about the Otkazats’ya easily turning on Grisha. He was bitter about how Grisha were treated by the rulers of Ravka. The Grisha had to bow but the Saints are the ones that people bowed to. Faith is the only thing that may allow them to stop hiding. So he wants to be a Saint. He didn’t manage to earn it in battle, so he must find another way.

The Darkling approaches The Starless, but even as he tries to have more rally behind him he is disappointed in his new following. During his first POV chapter he says that he will “teach the world awe”. But it’s made clear that his is not enough for him. His followers BELIEVE but their belief is hollow. They are afraid of who he truly is, they barely believe in everything he stood for. They are awed, easily manageable, but they do not care about the Grisha. They do not care about Ravka the way he does. They do not see him when he’s right in front of them, making him want to scream that he is there, that he exists, and when one glimpses behind Yuri’s mask he sees ‘evil’.

What he wants is devotion because of what he’s tried to do, not blind faith. He feels unseen; faded. Moreover, he still hides while he thought he didn’t have to. Initially he thinks that he can finally choose to be himself and to reclaim his true name: ‘The oldest of them: Aleksander. He had no reason to hide his strangeness anymore. Saints were meant to live forever.’ But he falls into old patterns. He is ‘Yuri’; he is in hiding once more.

-The Darkling DOES NOT LOVE HIS POWER in itself. He loves the strength it gives him, the feeling of being special, but he does not enjoy the darkness, despite embracing the color black or having previously chosen dark rooms for himself.

“He wanted to be out of the darkness, back beneath the watery winter sun.”

“He only wished that it wasn’t winter. He wanted to turn his face

to the sun and feel it warm him. The cold frightened him now. It felt like

death, like the long silence of not being, without sense of time or place, only

the understanding that he must hold on, that someday, there would be an end

to the terrible stillness. He’d been a long time in the dark.”

Even in his previous life, he was mesmerized by the beauty of the world.

And now he has to face THE BLIGHT: A consequence to him coming back, which, based on the fact that it expanded THE MOMENT he used his power to kill one of his followers, is connected to him growing stronger and using his power. This power, which is similar to the Fold, is independent of him and untamed in the world and creates wastelands, ruining the country that he tried to save. In fact, it is compared to a vampire; to a creature that needs blood to be sustained. It destroys all the things that Aleksander dehumanized himself to fight for and all the things he found beautiful in the world.

Even when it doesn’t touch HIM, he doesn’t know why; if it’s because this plague recognizes something in him, or if he’s so ruined that it doesn’t have a taste for him. And both scenarios show an alienation from his power. His feelings of being whole because of his power have being tainted by something he had never experienced before.

And how could he, who represents the lack of stars, the darkness, be valued and not just feared? 

For the Starless Saint to become the people’s salvation the darkness that spreads across the land must be defeated by his own power of darkness, 

In the original trilogy the theme of the Darkling falling into servitude of his own power was touched upon. 

In RoW it was furthered. And Aleksander has made his decision:

Never again a servant; not even to his own power. 

 WITH THE DARKLING’S SACRIFICE:

1)      He saves Ravka and allows back into the world and into the fold all the colors and the light that he used to love about it. But more importantly, At some point he mentions that “human life is worth preserving. But human lives? They come and go like so much chaff, never tipping the scales.” By holding back the Blight he ensures that human life is preserved.

2) His arc of existential crisis is resolved because he finds purpose, which he lacked after seeing that he was not enough to win the war and to create by himself the world he had craved) and saves his country in a way that only HE could, even if that wasn’t ruling. The vision Aleksander, the forgotten boy, had is aided in a way that serves the vanity of The Darkling, the eternal being he became.

3) Leigh brings full circle the theme of balance. “You were meant to be my balance”, he had told Alina. But THAT assumption was SO wrong and presumptuous. It was entitled. But finally he makes a sacrifice to be his own balance and to control what he unleashed. He caused pain and he endures pain. He was responsible for the Fold and for the Blight and he counterbalances the distraction they brought to the land and stops them from threatening Ravka.

_________

c)       ‘MY NAME IS ALEKSANDER MOROZOVA’.

Some say that The Darkling publically revealing his name was out of character; probably because the only revealed it to Alina and did not want others to know it.  

So let’s have a throwback to what we know. 

As ‘The Starless’, the Darkling is the only unnamed saint other than the Saint of the Book, who has no memory. The theme of a name being essential to memory is constant throughout Aleksander’s arc

‘A boy’s name given up; almost forgotten.’

“It’s my own name I’m afraid of forgetting.”

In Ruin and Rising, The Darkling dying nameless serves a purpose. Alina gives him the kindness for not giving people a name to extol. He entrusted it to her and she does not betray that trust.

What I find interesting is that, in The Demon in the Wood, Baghra tells him:

He had given his name to Alina who, in a twisted way, was the closest person to his heart at that point, because he considered it his equal and in his twisted way.

To become a saint, to be worshipped, to save Ravka, to not be forgotten he has to share this piece of his heart; of himself. He has to let people read it. He considered Zoya weak because she was afraid of her heard but she was strong enough to ‘open the door’.

After living the way he did and making the choices he made, his heart can never open the same way as hers did, but this is as close as his character could come to it without Leigh glossing over all he’s done.

[fafulous]

Take Me Home (4/5)

Andy Barber x Reader (Post!Defending Jacob)

Summary: After the unfortunate events of the trial and after, a depressed Andy Barber decides to call it quits and start a mundane life far away from Newton. He decides it is best to have a fresh start away from prying eyes and alone, but he never thought his caring neighbor (and her son) would change all of that.

Chapter Warnings: MAJOR D.J. SPOILERS (BOOK Ending), Reminiscing the Loss of a loved one.

Andy soon came to realise that walking out on you was never ever really a solution. In reality he knew with his current state, without you he was doomed.

He needed you because he has no one. He needed you because it was his chance at something new; something no one would understand.

He needs you because in between all those shenanigans in these few months, he was falling hard for you.

But he did what he had to that day because he just wanted some space. In his head it seemed to be fine, but alas it hurt like a bitch.

On the other hand, Nikolai had no idea what was going on. It only took him minutes to fall in love with his new room. The lights, the colour of the room made him so jubilant, later on only to see you a bit unhappy. You were able to deflect from your son’s questions, but how on earth were you going to tell him that Andy won’t be meeting him anymore.

It hurt. So hard. All you needed was one conversation with him to settle things away but he wanted his space and so you half heartedly respected it.

Nikolai on the other hand was hitting a real low seeing you unhappy the whole day sporting stuffy red eyes. Like any other kid, Nikolai jumped to the conclusion that their mother is crying because she got a boo-boo or lost her favourite toy.

But that little brain of his pieced it slowly once he realised Andy never visited them for any of the dinner nights.

“Mommy pwese don’t cwy” his nimble fingers wiping your fat tears rolling down your cheek.

“I know peaches. I’m trying so hard to get Andy back okay. I’m sorry for crying around you like this baby.”

“B-but Wandi pwomised he neva gonna hurt you mommi…”

“Oh Niko,” you wiped the cookie crumbs around his tiny lips, “Your little brain won’t get it. It’s okay.”

“No. Not owkay. Wandi hurt you. Wandi bad. I don’t wike Wandi cahr now.”

You couldn’t help but surpass a giggle. “Niko. Andy is never bad. Never. He is just feeling sad and lonely. We just need to tell him we have him and love him okay?”

Love? Too soon. Maybe it’s more than like but it was too late to change it for your son and for yourself. You always saw how Niko’s eyes sparkled whenever Andy was around; he was soon accepting him to be a member of the household.

“Owkay,” he dug his head to your neck, “I wike Wandi and his cahr.”

–

The following week were hard for you and him. From sharing couches to kisses, now the only thing you both shared were small talks.

Yes. Small Talk. Or texts rather.

Andy told you he finally found a therapist to speak to and slowly expressed his wish to still visit Nikolai till you both figured out what was happening between you two.

Why did this have to get so complicated?

You on the other hand replied he was free to do so because to be real, the little kid missed him too. So, the next day he asked you for permission if he could take Nikolai on a car drive.

You had no idea what would go on in his head at times. From seeing Andy’s perspective, he was denied of the choice of telling you his story. It was his fucked-up childhood, his story that he wanted to tell you. Not a pity tatter-tale gossip story that was to be heard from your characterless, ex-husband.

Andy later in the evening sent a message that he was ready, and you saw the man your heart so longed for.

His eyes were back to being sunken, those blue irises not having the guts to meet yours. His hair was ruffled like he just woke up from a nap. Looking at him made you realise how much your hands were twitching to just hug him. You were reminded of the first night you spent at his house; that blue sweater he gave you while you two made out on his couch for the first time was now worn by him.

You walked towards him as you held Nikolai’s convertible baby seat to be fixed in his car and he was kind enough to open the door for you.

Andy on the other hand knew he had to- no, wanted to strike a conversation with you; but didn’t know what to say.

Hey long time huh?

Y/N. Hey, how are you?

Hey listen…

Nope nothing came out of his mouth while you fixed the seat.

He took in your appearance too; that ray of sunshine that beamed from your smile was non-existent; replaced with a forlorn look that he hated to see on you. The past few days were definitely much harsher on you than it was for him. Andy knew he couldn’t get any more foolish. He had to get back to what you two had before.

He needed it.

“Have we gone back to square one? Because of what? My ex-husband?”

Andy came out of his tiny reverie and focussed back on you. He didn’t pay attention, but he did realise you said something bitter that meant to sting him.

“Honey listen-”

“Oh, don’t you honey me Andy. How could you? How could you be so- so-“ you tried so hard to not break into a stream of tears.

How could you be so hateful to yourself Andy? Did you not trust me?

“How could you just desert me like that? D-did you think I was going to throw away my second chance at life for something you father did? Did you want to throw away your second chance at life because of your father who has no role in our lives right now?”

He sighed dejectedly, disappointed with himself. Hearing your voice break wrecked him, “I know Y/N. I was an asshole that day, leaving you without an explanation.” He found himself taking steps towards you and cupping your cheek, tilting his forehead onto yours, “I am so sorry hon- Y/N. I am sorry.”

You bit your lip and looked up at him, his eyes still closed; now content that he and you could just touch each other after a very long time.

Any other situation, you wouldn’t let a man walkover you so easily after fucking up. But this was Andy. The man who made you believe in second chances. You gave him a first chance already, and now it was again your turn to give him one more.

“You weren’t an asshole Andy,” you held on to his hands, “Its just, I don’t know…”

“I know you know exactly what you want to say Y/N. Just say it.”

You could hear Nikolai running around his circles with his unicorn plush doll behind you, “I was angry when you left, but at the same time I tried to understand your point of view, your emotions and your feelings about this whole situation. But I think or- or I know that I didn’t deserve to be ghosted like that Andy, because I liked you for you, not what your father did, especially when we had something so good going on.”

He removed his hand from your cheeks and looked down like a disappointed child. He knew he was at fault and so he didn’t say anything; head hung in shame looking at the little, carefree boy that he loved so dearly.

“It’s only had if you want it to be,”

“What do you mean?”

You saw a glint of that eagerness that Andy always had with you before, “I told that we had something good going on? It’s only had if you want it to be…“

Andy took some time to find his words. Again. It was the second time he fucked up so bad and here you were, taking him back even after he exploded like a mine. Was this woman for real?

“Of course, I want this honey. I always want us. You’re always so good to me.”

He reached out to graze your cheeks, but he was blocked by your squealing son.

“Cahr Wandi! Can we gooo?”

You were surprised that you weren’t interrupted by your son sooner, but nevertheless your son’s new founded patience was found to be a blessing in disguise.

The cutest sight unfurled before you as Andy made grabby hands at your son, only for the latter to be scooped into Andy’s arms like a cocoon.

“Come on Y/N, join us wont you? For a drive?”

You shook your head, “I think I’ll pass.”

“Y/N. I want to really make it up to you. Like real time. Please come with us?”

“I know Andy, but who will make dinner if I come along with you boys?”

Andy slowly grinned at your implications. He never ceased to be impressed by your gracious generosity and the small acts of kindness.

“I’m not mad, not as much as I was before I promise,” you dared to but tiptoed to place a kiss on his cheek, “We can talk over dinner today.” You saw how his cheek sported a cherry red tint, slowly creeping up till his ear. A teenager in a old man’s body.

“Peaches,” you turned to your son right now jumped into Andy’s arms, nuzzling his face in that soft sweater, “Be good and behave okay peaches? Don’t trouble Wandi- I mean Andy for anything on the way okay?”

Everything drowned inside a chorus of laughter when Andy realised how you had called his name. Niko had no idea what the humour was for but joined the chorus when he found his two most favourite people in the world giggling.

Were you forgoing all that pent-up sadness that this man gave you this week? Yes. Yes you were.

And you would soon realise that it was the best decision you made.

Hours passed by and the boys came back home. Nikolai was gleefully pulling onto Andy’s beard and curiously asking him when he was going to get a ‘bweard’ like him and heard both the boys animatedly inhaling; the smell of aromatic food that stirring their tummies.

“MOMMY IS MAKING PAWSTAHH!”

Andy was so confused. You always made the best Italian food for your child.

“Let’s just say after that episode we had with Chad, I was cooking boring greens and ordering takeout for the little one and me. I lost the will to cook. Thought I’ll revive the poor kid’s taste buds.”

It was always these small gestures that pulled you towards Andy; like this one. He tugged you by your shoulders and placed a soft kiss on your forehead and then cupped your cheeks so lovingly.

“Sorry Momma bear.”

“Shhh. It’s okay grumpy cat,” you winked.

Dinner on the other hand did go relatively smooth than you expected it to. Andy explained himself, his feelings and what he felt that day when he left you and tried his level best to process your emotional state that day.

The baked pasta was licked clean by your two boys and you while Andy also spoke about his past few days with his therapist, who seemed to help him more than he possibly could ever think of. Over a glass of wine, Andy held your hand promising you that he wouldn’t do any more foolish stunts that ended up hurting all of us in the process.

But as you and Andy were doing and drying the dishes, you felt that he was holding back something.

“You’re doing that thing.”

“What thing.”

“That thing you used to do when I used to pick movies that you don’t like.”

His grin could make your whole body mushy and soft like a teenager having their first crush “So? Is that my fault honey?” he feigned hurt, glad that he could now call you back with his favourite sweet name.

“Nah,” you playfully tapped his shoulder. “You give me that look so prominently so that I understand that you want something from me, or you want me to do something for you.”

Andy looked so lost and you knew something was biting his thoughts because he enjoyed doing domestic chores with you; his favourite being you washing the dishes and him drying them out and keeping them inside the cupboards. He didn’t reply until the last wine glass was kept inside the cabinet

“It’s just-” hesitated Andy. You waited patiently for him to find his words.

“It’s about Jacob.”

“Oh.”

For a startling few seconds, you held your breath; thinking about Andy’s son was something wrecked your thoughts and heart every single time.

“My therapist says that I haven’t, you know, fully processed Jacob’s death. Like I’m holding on to something. But parents don’t, right? They can’t move on from their child’s death right? It’s practically impossible.”

You weren’t sure what to say but you nodded, gripping on to his arm and gesturing to sit with you to the couch where little Niko dozed off with two of his stuffed dolls clenched in his hand.

“But she did say one statement that made sense to me, I don’t know. It made sense about how we can’t forget our children who are no longer with us but we can learn to accept the fact that they are no longer with us.”

Oh bub, how much have you been through? “Do you agree with this Andy?” You asked him to keep yourself strong during this conversation for him, and you did.

“Of course, yeah. Maybe. But the thing is I think I haven’t accepted it honey.”

You took both of his hands and squeezed reassuringly, “I have no idea what you are going through bub but I’m glad you are talking to me about this. Take your time; its going to be hard, but I’m right here okay? Whatever you need, I’ll do within my best ability.”

He hummed, but still hesitant.

“Andy its okay, tell me. Talk to me bub.”

He squeezed your palms even more tightly, turning towards you completely. “C-can I ask you a favour? I mean you can say no, I will understand.”

I’m ready to give you all the happiness in the world to you bubba. “Anything for you Andy? Tell me now.”

He didn’t meet your gaze, but instead shifting his focus to trace your knuckles, “My therapist told me to visit Jacob’s grave whenever I was ready, to mourn him, to accept he is no longer with me and you know…talk to him I guess. To process my emotions. And um…Oh god I am a bubbling mess Y/N.”

“Hey its okay baby take your time. There is no pressure.”

“I can’t do this alone honey…I need you there with me. Can you come with me to the graveyard?”

How could you ever say no to this solemn situation?

“Of course, honey. Absolutely anything you need.”

And what seemed like after ages, Andy Barber enveloped you into his signature bear hug. Both of you left a huge sigh of breath, relief washing over that both of you were slowly getting back on track.

Until you heard a rugged whimpers from the little boy beside Andy.

You didn’t want to tell Andy about this, but Nikolai’s nightmares were back and the little boy was finding it difficult to sleep at night. The new nursery still did not work for him, so he ended up sleeping on top of your chest; your heartbeat probably soothing him to sleep.

But Andy the experienced father he was, quickly scooped him into his arms and started cradling him, rocking him side by side with his arms protecting him, humming a familiar soft tune that seemed to calm you in the process too. You saw how Niko’s head was cushioned between Andy’s pecs and muscles, slowly relaxing and nuzzling into his touch.

Niko’s scrunched up face was now back to a peaceful baby lost in slumber. 

Andy met your gaze and blinked at you with a smile and it conveyed so much than you think.

We got this baby. We all gonna get through this.

–

The decision to take Nikolai along with you and Andy was refuted by the latter saying that a young boy like him shouldn’t be visiting such desolate place.

“Children are the embodiment of new birth, new life. And graveyards, quite opposite.”

But you knew secretly he also didn’t was your son to see him in such a vulnerable position. You were grateful for the fact that the rough patch between you and Andy was solved; for the little boy saw Andy as his new father figure with Chad gone away with a new girlfriend.

Talking about Chad, he did not make efforts to meet his son; and you didn’t bother contacting him. Better off without him you wondered.

The drive to Jacob’s grave was a couple of hours away and ride in itself was a quiet one. Andy and you were informally dressed in dull colours, hearts dull too. You knew it was a big step for Andy and you were going to support him till he thinks he is over it. Car windows were rolled down, the fresh air making efforts to refresh you both.

You could also see Andy’s urge to interlink his hands with you while your drove and you did; Gripping onto his palm or occasionally rubbing his shoulders or thighs throughout the ride would help him calm down and relax his creased forehead.

When you both got down from the car it was so hard to read Andy’s thoughts. He came over to you and interlinked your palms and made way to the place where his son was buried.

Jacob’s grave was flowerless when arrived. Andy soon fixed that after leaving a wreath of Jacob’s most favourite flowers, daisies.

A graveyard, a place of death, sprouting trees filled with life here and there. The irony of life.

You didn’t know the boy but the aura of the graveyard, the impersonal feeling towards the dead even though you have no idea who they were beneath the stones made you heart sink. It then came to your senses.

The boy was just fourteen.

Both of you sat down near his grave, not caring about the grass and mud staining your clothes. He finally took away his palms from yours.

Andy spoke some kind words, rekindling memories of his son’s favourite pastime, his favourite stories and one of his embarrassing yet kind-hearted moments. He sought an apology on behalf of his mother, trying to make Jacob understand that his mother loved him so much, that it unfortunately ended tragically.

Another thought popped into your head, how couples these days separate over trivial matters, over materialistic matters, and infidelity. But Andy? He separated because his wife- No no. You didn’t want to complete that thought.

But after a while passed and you decided give Andy some needed space. He was probably going to be anxious, but it was for the best.

“Andy, you feel a bit better?” you whispered.

“You can say probably.”

Here we go. “I’m going to leave you two alone okay?”

“What? Honey. If I can’t-”

“You can Andy. He is your son, remember that. So, don’t hold back. I know you wanted me to be here with you and I did and I’m so proud of you, bubba,” you stroked his hair. “But unintentionally you may be holding back on expressing because I’m here and that’s normal.”

Why are you so good to me?

“I’m just going to be near the parking lot okay? I’m not going anywhere,” you reassured him with a peck on his cheek and made your way back.

You shed your tears while you sat inside his car, thinking about the little boy. It was difficult thinking of losing a loved one that you gave birth to. He was too young. Too fucking young.

Oh, this cruel world, how you hated it so immensely right now.

Half hour passed by and you saw Andy making his way towards the car. It was so strange to think of this, but he didn’t look red eye rimmed like you; he looked the same with much more solemnity. He didn’t cry and that slightly bothered you. Maybe you had to accept the fact that different people process emotions differently.

He got into the car and took in your red eyes. He knew you had cried. Seeing you like that made his pull your lips onto his for just a chaste kiss, the first time you two felt each other’s lips after an eon. All he breathed into your lips was that we are going to be okay and drove back home with no word exchanged. For the upcoming hours, the fresh air offered you comfort, drying out those spilt tears along with the lingering touch of his palms; interlinked like their souls.

After coming back, you took advantage of Andy’s silence and maneuvered him to your home. He seated himself on the couch pulling out his phone and wallet from his pants and placed it on the coffee table.; trying to steal a quick nap while you picked up Nikolai from your neighbour Mr. Arthur.

Andy sleeping gave you an immense sense of peace, but for the little boy in your hands; not so much.

“WANDI!!!!”

He groggily woke up thanks to Nikolai running towards him, lying on his chest like he does with you. “Hey buddy.”

“You home yaay!” Probably meant that he was excited to see the man in house like the usual dinner nights. Nikolai calling him and telling he was home pricked him and at the same time felt so right. As cliché as it sounds, he always has heard this quote where Home is never a place with four walls to cover your head; home is where the heart is.

His heart was with you and Nikolai.

After eating Andy, and you began to do your dish washing routine, this time he washing the dishes. He was slow, but that was alright, you had all the time in the world.

Niko on the other hand was singing all the rhymes he learnt from daycare in different pitches, earning a chuckle from the both of you here and there. He was also carelessly playing with Andy’s phone and wallet, both of you seeing that the little boy had dropped all the contents of the wallet on to the floor. Once they were done Andy picked up the falling things patiently without chiding the little one like any other adult would. 

He picked up his Dollar bills, receipts and then a forgotten thin strip of a photo roll.

It was him and Jacob.

The roll had four pictures of him and his son posing for the silliest pictures, the first three with their tongues sticking out in the goofiest angle possible. The last one however was so pure; Andy giving a  forehead kiss to Jacob because he was so proud of his son, remembering he had bagged the highest grade in English that term in school.

Minutes pass and he didn’t notice his waterworks brimming. A blink and they would fall down.

And they did, when he heard Nikolai nudging him by the thigh. “Why you cwyin Wandi?”

That startled you enough to stop whatever it was you were doing and went to see what was happening.

Oh bubba.

You sat near Andy, touching his thigh for comfort while your son got closer to the photo that was in Andy’s slightly quaking hands.

“Who that Wandi?”

“Th-thats my son buddy. His name was Jacob.”

“Can he play with me Wandi?”

Everything just pricked. The boy’s innocent questions and Andy’s realisation of his emotions. This was too much to bear.

“No buddy he can’t-“

A hand around his shoulder, it was you. When he looked up his eyes were blurry from the tears that were falling. He was so upset he didn’t even realise you were next to him. It was you. Only you.

It was then you realised it finally that it hit Andrew that his son was dead.

“You don’t have to answer that Andy. He’s just a kid. It’s okay.”

The little one feeling that he had said something wrong hugged his arms with his little arms. “I’m sowwy Wandi. Don’t cwy.”

“I’m not buddy, I-I’m not.” He reassured the kid, and falsely assuring himself too.

“Wandi, I’m feelin sleepy…” “Yeah, let’s get you to bed buddy,” he cooed with his quivering voice.

“Andy I’ll take him-” But he refused to and took the child. You took a few minutes to pull yourself together after witnessing Andy so vulnerable. Even in these moments, he took care of your son. When you reached the nursery, Andy was whispering a lullaby to a dozed off Niko for a good ten minutes. He even spoke to the little boy, telling him that the measly Audi car painting he did in the room was going to protect him and his nightmares; and the boy believed because Andy said so.

Few minutes later and Andy didn’t refuse to hold back.

“I held Jacob like Nikolai, put him to sleep like Nikolai. My sweet precious baby,  my innocent child Jacob. He didn’t do anything and he is away from me Y/N. Far far away-”

Andy let out a loud whimpering cry, the sound swallowed when he buried his head into your neck and your tears began streaming, him sobbing uncontrollably the next minute.

Andy and your tears began streaming; you pulled yourself together soon but Andy? He was weeping uncontrollably. You only could take him in your arms and offer him comfort. No words could heal his wounds instantly. He buried his face into your neck, his safe place, which made you remember the initial days with Andy when he lent a shoulder when you cried. Now it was your turn.

You whispered in ears how it was best not to do this near Niko and maneuvered Andy to your room. He held onto your arms as you took him to your room. You urged Andy to talk to you if the visit to the grave was still bothering him. He sought recluse in your safe place again, lying down on the bed, head tucked in your neck.

“Andy you can tell me anything. I promise it won’t affect whatever is between us.”

It was too twisted, he was distraught. He ranted about Laurie and how she unravelled into killing her own son. He slipped some details of how Laurie always kept bringing up past incidents of his son to prove that Jacob was the possible killer. He kept blaming himself that he was too weary with Laurie and that he should’ve seen her actions. Your whole body pricked; he was crying as he said all this.

You couldn’t imagine Nikolai and yourself in that situation. It brought tears to you eyes but wiped them off before he could see it. You let him talk as much as he wanted to, calming and soothing Andy in the process, running your fingers through his hair gently. You comforted him as much as you could and kept reminding yourself that this was the first time he came to his senses and realised he was crying out for his dead son; and so you were patient.

“My own wife murdered him Y/N. My Jacob. If I had been more attentive”

“Shhhhh Andy,” you cooed into his ear “Your circumstances were horrible. Don’t blame yourself bubba, none of this was your fault okay? Jacob’s death was out of your hands, it was an unfortunate accident Andy.“

Andy could stay all day in your embrace, his head on your gentle shoulders while your soft hair caresses made him doze off to sleep.

But his head felt like it was going to explode and he couldn’t let you see that.

“I’m going back home honey. I think I need to be alone tonight. I- I am not abandoning you okay, I promise, I’ll be okay tomorrow.”

“Andy are you sure? Stay with me, I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“I- I think I need to be alone for sometime you know? Please don’t be upset.”

“I’m never ever upset okay? As long as you are sure bubba; whatever you think is best for you okay? This house is always open to you.”

Kisses on the cheek were exchanged before he left your home. But you stayed awake, in the hopes he’ll be back because deep down you knew, he needed you.

You would give him space, and why not?

He was your home.

–

Andy soon realised he couldn’t. Staying alone was the worst decision he made.

Yes he did get the desired space he absolutely needed for like an hour and he did try to cease his crying, but his heart, oh his heart was pounding like nobody’s business. Anxious. Alone. Not cared for.

The walls of his room closed around him, his breathing becoming rugged, the laughter of his dead son echoing in his head. But he remembered he was cared for. By you. He had only you now.

He wanted, needed your soothing embraces, your kind words, your optimism, your affection. Everything.

He just wanted you now.

He had to forget.  It was a bit past midnight, but it was you. His reliable rock; soon to become the love of his life. He had to forget what he was going though and in a moment of desperation, he texted you. His thought was confirmed, you would always be there for him.

—

Last and Final Part 5 on its way :)

[poppykru]

I've asked this before and I'll ask it again (not to you specifically to the fandom at large): what would you HATE to see brought to the SaB adaptation... mine is Botkin dying and the way Botkin speaks in the books because his character was left on the cutting room floor for the first season then i hope we get him for 2 and 3 (especially with making Alina Shu in the show)

That is a good one! I think we could've seen more of Botkin in the books as well as the show. Seeing more of him in the show would make a lot of sense, given him and Alina's shared ethinicity. Yup, yup, I agree.

Honestly, there are more things that I would like the show to add to the story to make it make sense because I would change sooo many fundamental things about it lol. But there is one specific thing I would hate if they bring to the SAB adaptation and its the ending...which I know it's unavoidable, but a girl can dream. I really dislike the ending of TGT because it doesn't make sense. Many a people have said waaay better than me, but I will try nonetheless. Before I start, I want to preface that my dislike has nothing to do with ships. If you follow me, you will notice that I have a preference for darklina, but I honestly don't mind malina. In fact, I do find them cute. Ok? Cool!

Putting this under the cut cause it turned out looong. 😁

So almost all of my problems with TGT stem from Alina's arc, and since she is the story, it means it impacts everything. I am confused what Leigh was trying to convey with this character, what was her plan... It seems like her story is the typical YA arc of self-discovery, acceptance, empowerment, finding your place in the world--all the things young people deal with. And we see that in S&B. She feels like she doesn't belong anywhere (I believe even with Mal at one point, but i might be wrong). She feels different, she looks different. She is just small at the beginning of the story. Then she discovers her powers and her life changes. Suddenly, she is part of something, of somebodies, she is a Grisha. At first she doesn't fit in because she is resisting, because she isn't letting go of the past (Mal). But when she does, she is happy (which then honestly confuses her story with Mal tbh, but that's a whole other thing). We find out suppressing her power all these years is what made her frail and sickly, and unhappy. (In fact, we are continually hit over the head with the idea that her powers feed her and make her happy. In the beginning of Siege and Storm when they have to hide she expresses her frustration, her feelings of powerlessness (physical and emotional). In Ruin & Rising when she is trapped underground, she is weak, but the moment she is out, she literally glows with happiness. So Alina loves her power.) So now she doesn't have to hold back, she can be herself - self-discovery, moving to empowerment and self-acceptance. Now here is where it gets confusing. After the stag and the sea serpent amplifiers, Alina's story shifts from an empowerment arc to "power corrupts" arc. So the protagonist finally finds her strength, finally gains agency in her life, but now when more power was thrust upon her (cause let's be honest, how much choice did she really have in wearing those amplifiers), she is greedy??? You can't make a character greedy just completely out of the blue. Alina was never shown as greedy. Hell, she was never ambitious even. Quite the opposite actually!! She doesn't even have a choice. It's not like they have another viable solution to stopping the Darkling (which...don't get me started on the big flaw in this whole story). And yet, Alina taking those amplifiers and wanting to get the third one is framed as greed. But this is not the worst part--this is about the ending after all. Then Alina gets punished for doing the thing she had to do to survive. Alina finds her power, becomes powerful, makes tough decisions, and then gets severely punished for it by the narrative. This is made even worse by the fact that she seems to be the only. Nikolai doesn't get punished for wanting the throne. Him wanting to rule is never framed in this way. And I hate that so much askdhaslds. And to make it worse, Alina is not even ruling in any way. Alina, with her unique perspective as a Grisha, brought up as a mortal (mortal? otkazat'sya?), would have been instrumental to bringing actual change to Ravka. Nikolai doesn't understand Grisha, and as many years as he has spent as a privateer, he never was just a common citizen of Ravka. Zoya--look I will admit I'm not her biggest fan, and I haven't read KoS so this is an opinion more than fact-- has grown up amogst Grisha and we say her turning her nose up at otkazat'sya. Same with Genya-- like all of them have known hardship, but none have know the hardship of common people, so how are they really fit to govern them? How are they supposed to make Grisha accepted again if they don’t know the people they are trying to convince? N e way.

Not to mention the big question of what happens to Grisha now. They are still murdered by Fjerda, still experimented on by the Shu-Han, still enslaved by Kerch. What happens to Grisha? What was the plan? Where was the consideration for the constantly prosecuted marginalised group? I could write another rant on this tbh.

I think Leigh tried to pull a Hunger Games ending, but with none of the actual story to back it up.

Honestly, there are so so many things that are just wrong about Alina's character. For a protagonist, she feels the least fleshed out, and her story the least planned out to make sense lol.

To summarise, I think Alina's arc doesn't make sense, because from an empowerment arc, we made a sharp turn to "greed corrups", which doesn’t come with proper buildup. I find her ending unfeministic, as the narrative punishes her for her liking her power, while it never does that with any male other characters.

[angst-fairygodmother]

Exchanges: Town Hall (The Song of Sway Lake Story)

Jess confronts Charlotte after the town hall debate, hoping and failing to find common ground. 

Word Count: 1045

Rating: PG-13 - several instances of mild language, insults, slight spoilers for Song of Sway Lake if you squint

“Why are you doing this?” Jess asked, following Charlotte out of the town hall meeting that was one step short of a riot.

The Sway matriarch scoffed. “I don’t have to stand here and be berated any longer. I’m leaving.”

“Wait, please. I’m not trying to berate you. I’m asking an honest question, because maybe if I understand you better it’ll feel a little less like you’re just maliciously trying to destroy my life and the lives of people like me.”

“Excuse me?”

“I grew up on the lake too. But my family wasn’t lucky enough, or wealthy enough, to be a founder. So we built a place brick by brick, until we had a home here. But locals think we’re a novelty, and we need the curious and the bored, and that means tourists, to survive.”

Charlotte raised an eyebrow, unmoved by Jess’s impassioned speech.

“So I get wanting to preserve it, trust me I do. I love this place, and I’ve never seen somewhere so beautiful. But we need to move forward. And you’re standing in the way of that, and I’m asking why.”

“If you truly understood, you wouldn’t need to ask that.”

“There has to be a way for everyone to win, a...compromise. Something.”

“My father was a businessman, just as much as your grandfather or every other greedy self-interested immigrant and vagrant that came in, tried to claim a piece of what wasn’t theirs, and built something off the backs of those who were here first. And even when he lost everything in the crash, he pulled himself up by the bootstraps, started over, and made something of himself.”

Jess frowned at what definitely sounded like the start of an out of touch, vaguely bigoted ‘back in my day’ lecture. She gritted her teeth, holding back the snide response on the tip of her tongue.

“Jessica, don’t,” Nikolai said warningly from the other side of the car, looking for a second like he might circle around to put himself between the two women. She wondered if it was out of concern for her, his best friend's girlfriend, or some lingering protective instinct over Charlotte.

“And don’t think I don’t know exactly who you are, Ms. O’Neill. I am not to blame for your struggles. If you can’t figure out how to make a living selling the drivel you stock, maybe you should consider a new line of work. Give up. Abandon it to your sister and run away to the city if you're not cut out for it. Instead of blaming everyone else for your problems.”

“Bitch,” the word slipped bitterly from Jess’s mouth before she could think. Set on a course now, she laughed in disbelief. “Ollie told me you’re selling the Point. Which means you don’t actually care. You’re just so alone and miserable and horrible that you have to drag the rest of us down to feel like you still matter in the world.”

Charlotte shook her head, a condescending smile on her face as she turned back to the car.

“Hey! I’m not done talking,” Jess snapped. “I don’t want to hate you. I tried to see things from your perspective. But if you don’t want to meet in the middle, fine. Just remember, you're a relic of a bygone era. Just like that stupid house.”

She shook her head, almost pitying now. “I hope you can’t sell. I hope you’re stuck there for the rest of your life, and you get to watch as everything you claim to love gives way to progress. Marinas, and jet skies and pre-fab box vacation homes. Maybe a summer camp or a motel with basketball courts and chlorinated pools bumping right up against your precious, perfectly manicured lawn. It’ll be a fitting penance for trying to destroy things for the people that actually give a shit enough to stay.”

“And here I thought you said you loved the lake like I do.”

“You still don't get it. The things to love aren't the pristine water or the particular fish, or the types of boats out and about. And certainly not the huge fancy homes and private properties.” She made a sweeping gesture. “Take a look around, Mrs. Sway.  There is so much life here that your lake never had. Do you even know what joy sounds like anymore?”

Charlotte and Nikolai both frowned, staring at Jess.

“You sit up there, alone, and you judge everyone else as unworthy no matter what they do. You want everything to be so clean and untouched. But that also makes it unloved. Things aren't beautiful or special because they've not faced challenges. The ones that weather the storms or the jet skis, or the people trying to tear them down, and come out the other side not only surviving but having thrived are so much more. Sway Lake is strong, stronger than you give it credit for. It doesn't need to be sheltered or shaped or preserved. Just let it breathe and grow and find it's own way.” 

“You're very clever, pretending this is about the lake,” Charlie drawled, her lips pressed together somewhere between a smirk and the grimace that comes with an unexpected lemon.

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you think I can't tell you mean my grandson? I’ve heard that little rumor, I know where he spends his time in town.” Charlotte took a step closer, an angry glint in her eyes to go along with the smug smile on her face. “Are you really upset about my conservation efforts, or because you know if I get my way, the lake will never be yours for you and your little townie friends to treat like a playground? You will never be a Sway dear. Ollie will get bored, and remember where he belongs, and you’ll be left with nothing. Again.”

“I…” Jess gaped at her. Even as she fought back hot, angry tears, she was almost impressed by how well the other woman had cut straight through her to her insecurities, and picked up on what Jess didn’t even know she was saying. 

Charlotte Sway turned away, climbing into the station wagon that Nikolai was driving and left without another word, and Jess just stared, watching her go.

[nabrizoya]

one of the super interesting things, to me, about row's messiness was that KoS...wasn't that bad? Like i had some questions about why nina was a PoV despite loving her, and I didn't love the finale because I didn't (and still don't) think bringing the d*rkling back did anything for the plot (i DO think dealing with the cult was interesting for the characters to wrestle with) but then row seemed to veer in SUCH a different direction? It just took such a left turn in so many places.

SDFGHJKLJHGDFGHJ yes yes yes anon.

more seriously speaking, kos was better than row because it actually set up the plot line in tandem with the end of ck. parem was introduced and its effects were shown in ck, along with noting kuwei yul bo's integral role in the development of the antidote. further discussion was provided to pit parem against merzost, and then against the corrupted making and the use of the amplifiers. these were all the concepts that were partially fulfilled in kos, effectively (and expectantly) setting up the threads that one can commonly assume will be followed through in row. like, kos is the first book. that's the expectation, right? the first books set course and the second picks up from there and add a plot of its own in addition to fulfilling the previous unfinished themes and topics.

kos made sense also because parem's other perspectives were thrown light upon. it's a drug, we know, and we got to see how adverse and heinous of many implications it has medically (?) and what happens to the people and the Grisha affected by it. Now I won't say this aspect of showing—especially with how Nina's story carried this arc in the book—was executed properly, what with her whole arc feeling so disjointed in the book , but it was... a good direction to explore ... and also something that row failed to bring up yet again

(also, the scales between both zoyalai and nina in different countries was contrasting and unmatched, which not only unbalanced the povs, but was also very insensitive to all the three of them. like, on one hand we have to read about women getting tortured and everything and then shift back to yuri genuflecting and zoya and nikolai in sandcastles debating about power? and then veer to isaak trying to handle being a king? like,,, this aspect of it was so insensitive to all of their insecurities, prowess and problems, and as a cherry on the cake, there's not enough page time or text to continue and show their mental dilemmas properly either)

the other good part of kos was to show how everybody weaponized parem. shu and fjerda, we've seen how they used parem wrongly but ravka too wanted to see if there were other uses to parem, to make a usable strain instead of completely eradicating it. it gets brought up in the conversation between grigori and nikolai in the fold, and it's that very impact and grisha theory that puts a stop to ravka weaponizing the drug, and instead seeking to merely amp up the production of the antidote ... and we get to see barely more than a chapter (After reading an entire book about parem and its adversity) in row.

very insensitive and poorly done, no?

bringing the darkling back was, gosh i have no idea why it was a good idea at all? it put the whole trilogy's efforts to waste, and the darkling became nothing more than a comic relief in row (cheers for that). but even then, his arc from the books was supposed to show a parallel to zoya's, and that despite zoya actively trying to not become the next darkling, that she will be legions better than this old scum, the war still compells her to consider and reconsider her choices and the current state of affairs, which is interesting, but could easily have been achieved by looking into the darkling's past, seeking alina out without the darkling and with an overall analysis of the darkling's methodologies and mistakes... which could all have been done without the darkling being present.

the cult of the starless would also have been an excellent way to depict this sort of respect to strength, but found on the ploughs of blind faith and no critical thinking at all... there is potential there, a lot of it,,, but all of it was in vain, wasn't it?

this is what i mean, and i wholeheartedly agree with you anon. row did veer into another direction entirely, completely invalidating the previous book/s plots and taking one on its own. it also effectively compromised the characters and their characterizations as well, rendering their arcs completely underwhelming and missing out on their potential entirely.

[oliviermiraarmstrongs]

mid-year book freak out tag

thank you @bloody-wonder for giving me an excuse to share my book thoughts!

1. Best Book You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

It’s gotta be The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood; I hear “feminist period novel about mentally ill woman unable to cope in upper-class society” and I am THERE! It’s like [Stefon voice] This book has EVERYTHING: repressed women, a decaying old house, a complex relationship of two sisters, a pulpy sci-fi story-within-a-story-within-a-story, criticism of capitalism and reactionary attitudes and politics, commentary on how conservative society shuns those it perceives to be “other” and a threat to the social order (poor people, socialists, “unconventional” women). It is EXTREMELY my shit.

2. Best Sequel You’ve Read So Far in 2021?

The only one I've read is Siege and Storm, so Siege and Storm! Shadow and Bone was captivating, if a little simplistic, but the sequel really fleshes out the characters, setting, and themes. It’s great to see Alina take a more active role, and I love the exploration of sainthood. 

3. New Release You Haven’t Read Yet, But Want To?

I’m really curious about Michelle Zauner’s memoir Crying in H Mart. Same with Axiom’s End, which I haven’t really been seeking out, but it’s been resting on my list since I like a lot of Lindsay Ellis’ stuff.

4. Most Anticipated Release For Second Half of 2021?

5. Biggest Disappointment?

The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood. I’ve been getting into Atwood, and I have a soft spot for female-centric retellings of myths, so this was on my list for a long time. It’s not bad; it’s decent as a character study and offers some good perspective on the hanged slave women from The Odyssey, but overall it came off as...bitter? And not in a good way. It’s reasonable to include commentary on how bad things were for women in ancient times, but after a while I’m just like “But there had to be a time when Penelope was happy, right?” But the biggest failing has to be the treatment of Helen. Why a story focused on bringing literary justice to silenced women also characterizes Helen of Troy as a manipulative, arrogant bitch who single-handedly ignited the Trojan War because she enjoys fucking people over, I’ll never know. Ironic that in the opening chapter, Penelope bemoans being used as a yardstick with which to judge other women, and then the book proceeds to do exactly that with her and Helen. Can’t let Penelope have a positive relationship with another woman! There could be some form of unreliable narrator at play, but there’s not much indication that that’s the case here. Even Homer had a more nuanced portrayal of Helen than this!

6. Biggest Surprise?

I suppose The Red Tent. I picked it up at a Goodwill because of my aforementioned interest in female-centric retellings. It’s not amazing, but I wasn’t really expecting it to emotionally affect me like it did. You spend so much time setting up Dinah’s family and this supportive community of woman within a patriarchal society, only to have Dinah abandon it all after getting betrayed by her father and (most of) her brothers. Hearing about how her family fell apart after she left and she never got to see her mothers again really gets to me. The book has flaws for sure - neither of Dinah’s romances are developed very well, and some of its themes can come off as gender essentialist - but I think it’s a nice exploration of female labor and traditions that too often get ignored.

7. Favorite New Author?

The only relatively new author I’ve been reading is Leigh Bardugo, soooooo... honestly I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t already been said, I got into the series pretty late. Great world-building, witty dialogue, a familiar type of story with enough interesting ideas to make it feel fresh. Check out Shadow and Bone if you get the chance. Sound of the summer.

8. Newest Fictional Crush?

You would think it would be Nikolai Lantsov since I just finished reading Siege and Storm and he seems to be the fan favorite... but nah, not yet. He’s fun, but he doesn’t hit me in that way (Though very sexy of him to just casually proposition Alina and Mal for a royal polycule, a la Arthur/Guinevere/Lancelot; would love an AU where they accept his offer). However, I would let Zoya murder me. Every time Zoya is not in a scene I am asking “Where’s Zoya?” Also shout out to Alina, just because I would treat her better than all the men in her life! 

9. Newest Favorite Character?

Gonna try to do this without spoiling too much, but Laura Chase in The Blind Assassin really resonated with me. Her personality reminds me a lot of myself, especially as an an autistic person, like the way she has her own way of thinking that makes perfect sense to her, but makes other people see her as odd and naive. I love how she’s set up in-universe as this Sylvia Plath-esque tragic heroine, with Iris spending the rest of the book interrogating and deconstructing, and in a way, reconstructing this image of her. Atwood you’re insane for this. I forgive you for the Helen thing now.

10. Book That Made You Cry?

I never got as far as crying, but the part in The Goldfinch where [spoilers incoming] the art heist goes wrong and Theo is alone in the hotel room and he’s spiraling and considering suicide and finally dreams of his mom… all that was too much for me and I had to put the book down for the night. This guy just can’t catch a fucking break.

11. Book That Made You Happy?

fucidjdjdj I didn’t read any happy books this year. Shadow and Bone and Siege and Storm because I read them really fast unlike my usual months-long reading schedule.

12. Favorite Book Adaptation You Saw?

Predictably, Shadow and Bone. I basically bought and read the book less than a week before the show came out because I thought it looked interesting and wanted in on the hype (mostly because Jessie is cute 🥰). Honestly, the show improves a lot on the first book; the multiple storylines make it more dynamic and complex, the actors really help to make the characters feel more fleshed out, and Alina and Inej interacted for like three scenes, introducing an unexpected but thematically rich ship.

13. Favorite Review You’ve Written This Year?

14. Most Beautiful Book You’ve Bought So Far This Year?

I impulse-bought this book of Romantic poetry at Barnes and Noble just because it was pretty and I had a gift card

15. What Books Do You Need To Read By The End Of The Year?

Besides finishing The Grisha Trilogy/Six of Crows duology/Zoya’s duology that I forgot the name of….I don’t know. I’m not a reader that plans in advance. I acquire books, finish whatever I’m currently reading, look through my stacks deciding what to read next, spend an hour doing so because I can’t decide if I’m in the mood for any of them, and either force myself to read one or buy/borrow a new one.

I’m tagging @betweenironyandsilver, @illuminaticns, @borispavlikovskys, @chdarling, @sctine, @mightyaubs, @excuseforadrink, and @trckstergods, if you wanna! Or anyone who wants to yell about books.

[dangerously-human]

I keep trying to pin down why the original Shadow and Bone trilogy is my favorite subseries of the Grishaverse, and while I think there are a lot of reasons, the biggest has to be the POV thing. I love Alina Starkov so much, and she makes for a truly excellent narrator. There's also so much to be said for her story being told in the first person. You have this narrator who comes from the outside of just about every part of the world the reader is being introduced to, and one of the most central themes of the series is her search for belonging; plus, the true depth to the conflict comes from Alina being taken advantage of, and choosing which sacrifices she's willing to make, even when those decisions challenge her concept of her own identity. All of that really lends itself to a more intimate and limited perspective. And it works. Alina is a charming character, realistic and three-dimensional, lovable and emotional and flawed and terribly human. Her ignorance of others' motives, or her willful overlooking of them out of her deep sense of mercy combined with a hunger for power and a sense of purpose, resonate all the more as the reader looks through her eyes, and watches as she alternates between honesty and ducking away from what she does not want to know.

(Now, it must be said that the multiple POVs thing really really worked for Six of Crows! Arguably more so for the first book than Crooked Kingdom, and I think that has so much to do with the layered heist structure. While I'm not sure the King of Scars duology could have been told as a single POV, it definitely felt like too much stuffed into one book (Rule of Wolves even more saturated than any of its predecessors), and I am pretty sure that the right move for the story would have been telling it primarily, if not exclusively, from Nikolai's POV. That would have necessitated telling a somewhat different story, but I don't think that would have been entirely a bad thing, you know? The world may be sweeping, but that doesn't mean every story set in it has to be. POV needs to be matched well to the story that's being told, and sometimes that calls for narrowing said story to do it well.)

[cynwritess]

Creating Villains

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if the story was told through the eyes of the villain, their actions and motives should be just as understandable as the hero’s. The only difference such be perspective and how far they are willing to go to achieve their goals. This is just my personal opinion, but I’ve stood by it since I started writing.

Figure out where your villain will draw the line. 

How far are they willing to go? Will they kill thousands? Will they harm children? Will they sacrifice their friends and allies? What won’t your villain do to achieve their goal? Heroes usually have morals and codes they follow to ensure they won’t fall down a dark path. Of course there are exceptions to the rules, but for the most part they’ll try to stuck to them. Villains on the other hand don’t usually care much for the rules. They create them and break them as they see fit. 

SPOILERS IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH FOR SHADOW AND BONE AND VICIOUS!

Look at the Darkling from Shadow and Bone for example. There’s seemingly no lines he wouldn’t cross. He blinded his own mother, he murdered children and the people who took care of Alina, turned Nikolai into one of his monsters, the list goes on and on and on. But then lets look at Victor Vale from Vicious. He wanted nothing more than to destroy Eli Ever no matter the cost, but when the life of a kid he took under his wing was in danger, he wasted no time jeopardizing his plan to save her. He refused to put her in harms way even if it meant his plans were now in shambles. Which actually brings me to my next point.  

Give them someone to care about. 

Unless your villain is running solo for whatever reason, in my personal opinion you need to give them someone to care for. It humanizes them and can even help you reader connect more because they see the villain isn’t heartless and doesn’t care for anyone or anything but themselves and their plans. The darkling still cared for his mother. He may have done horrible things to her, yet at the end of the day he cared for her. Victor Vale cared for Mitch and Sydney. Pekka Rollins cared for his son. At the end of the day, regardless of how their love is presented, most villains have love for someone in their life. It could even be a pet!

There has to be one person they absolutely would not sacrifice for their plans. There’s exceptions of course. Eli Ever is one villain I can think of that was willing to do absolutely anything and didn’t give a damn about anyone, but we see in the sequel to Vicious that companionship has never worked out in his favor. If you want to do this my advice is to tread carefully. You’ll need a carefully crafted backstory to support why your villain is the way they are, otherwise your readers may feel as if the buildup is bland. 

Also, the love your villain will have does not have to be necessarily good. Your villain may love the best way they know how, while still being toxic and dangerous at the end of the day. 

Give them a reason beyond tragedy.

Don’t get me wrong, yeah you can have a tragic backstory but at this point in time its usually with extremely overused tropes. I’m not saying don’t give them trauma, but there are other ways to craft a villain. They could be misguided or misinformed. Maybe its the only way they know how to survive. Maybe someone they love is in danger and this is the only way they know how to save them. Look into other ways to craft your villain. 

Are they okay with being the villain?

This is where I feel as if there’s a major difference between certain villains. Some will think they are doing something heroic whereas others know what they are doing is wrong. The Darkling didn’t think he was a villain, but he was perfectly fine with Alina seeing him that way. Victor Vale was the same way. But if we look at Luke Castellan, he thought he was a hero for attempting to bring back the Titans and resort to the old ways because of how the demi-gods were being treated. 

Is your villain fine with being recognized as a monster? Do they no longer care about the opinions of others, because they are certain what they are doing is justified?