#I was all alone with those feelings as a teenager (my parents were very different and the whole situation was too. but still. I remember

[running-in-the-dark]

my nephew has called me five times in the past hour because he had an argument with his mother, and he's 14 so now he thinks she hates him etc. 😐 this happens pretty regularly and it's always exhausting because I completely understand him, but I also completely understand his parents, and explaining to him that they do not hate him while also letting him know that I understand why he feels the way he does is not easy.

I have a headache now.

[tommykinard6]

Should I be eating and resting? Yes. Am I? No, so come join me for a dissertation on Tommy Kinard being lonely.

Edit to add a note since I saw a reblog about it: Tommy has no canonical age right now and Lou is 39, 40 later this year, so that is my basis for saying he’s 39.

Now when I say lonely, I don’t mean that he has no one whatsoever. I can picture him going for drinks with his team or having some Muay Thai buddies that he could call up if he really was inclined. Maybe an old army buddy or two.

But there’s something about Tommy that’s just achingly lonely, both when he was at the 118 and now at Harbor.

Tommy had a broken home, or some other kind of unstable childhood. Maybe his parents split, maybe he was mistreated, maybe he was in the system or was passed around family members. Maybe he was isolated as a child because he was a little overweight (I think Lou said something along those lines) and was bullied. I think Tommy didn’t really have any friends until high school, when puberty hit and maybe he started working out and probably joined the football team. I don’t know if anyone remembers what teenage boys are like, but I can imagine they were the same as they are today back in the 90s/early 00’s. Because around this time, Tommy might’ve started to realize that something was very different about him.

Now this isn’t a meta about how I think Tommy dealt with his sexuality (maybe I’ll do one of those later) but I think he never would’ve risked his football friends knowing even if he himself could acknowledge it, which I doubt. So he messed around, got in trouble with these guys, hung out with the bros, and pretended to be interested in girl talk.

Of course, eventually, his buddies all got girlfriends and he was always the odd one out again.

He didn’t do college. The army was his next step. And I feel like this might have been the first time in his life he wasn’t lonely. He’d learned to blend in by this point and he worked with some great people. But as he started making real friends for the first time, he also started losing them as the war tore them away.

Tommy left the army and joined the fire department. There was an aching hole where the camaraderie of the army had filled previously and with no education beyond a high school diploma, Tommy thought the fire department would replicate that. Not the police though. He’d had enough of guns.

(And ohhhh now so many ideas on his thoughts during the sniper)

But he ended up at the 118 and quickly realized that his team had maybe more of a DADT stance than the army. He realized that he had to put on an elaborate act to fool his fellow firefighters, who had more time on their hands and more prejudice they were willing to wield to pick apart his life. Tommy, who maybe had only just started to acknowledge he felt differently about guys with less panic than before, had no choice but to backslide. He acted and acted and crafted a person he wasn’t until the day that maybe he was. Sal was his closest buddy at the 118 and Tommy had no doubt that Sal would be one of the first to make his life hell. Gerrard seemed to look at Tommy as some sort of mentee. Boxed in by two notorious bigots, Tommy had never felt more claustrophobically alone.

Chim was the first one to reach out a hand of friendship, or at least the first one that didn’t come with caution tape, but he was also an “other” and Tommy, who was confused and afraid and had just had his captain call his bluff on his fake girlfriend, lashed out. Then he allowed Chim in and Chim wasn’t interested in being besties but he was a great drinking buddy and movie buddy and Tommy felt safest around him.

Then Hen came and Tommy watched her get the same treatment he was afraid of. Not that he had to worry about the racism, and he was aware of the privilege, but Hen didn’t exactly hide herself and he watched them bully his lesbian coworker. He let himself get pulled into it all and hated himself for it, but was too cowardly to break away from it. He wasn’t sure why Hen had forgiven him, but she became the only other person on shift he felt even a little safe around other than Howie. But then Chimney and Hen became best friends and Tommy fell to the wayside. They still included him, sure, but they were always a pair and there was something there that Tommy didn’t know but longed for. A closeness he’d never felt.

A best friend. A juvenile idea to him, but one he’d never truly had.

Then Gerrard was gone and Sal got transferred and the 118 moved forward under Captain Nash, but Tommy felt left behind, even in what was the most united A shift team yet. Because he was over 30 and was starting to be unable to ignore everything that he’d had to hide under Gerrard, as he no longer had a distraction from it.

He’d been a pilot in the army, so he transferred to Harbor. And Harbor was great. He wasn’t best buds with anyone (he was starting to think that was never in the cards for him) but his team didn’t carry the same baggage that the 118 had.

So Tommy started to come to terms with himself. He started to date for the first time and came out to his team. And he had several boyfriends, but most couldn’t handle the job or his baggage or the desperate need he had to be wanted. His most long term partner cheated and the one he fell hardest for couldn’t deal when Tommy was injured on the job. Even within his own relationships, he felt like he was destined to stand alone.

Tommy was 39 years old and alone, as always, when Chimney walked back into his life, dragging an adorable and also extremely hot blonde and a stoic brunette that radiated ex military in a way only ex military could know. And then Hen was there and they were trying to rescue their captain and his wife and they clearly loved each other fiercely and like family.

And as Tommy listened, flying through the remnants of a cat 5 hurricane, he thought to himself that he should’ve never left. Simply just never found himself if only that meant being part of the family the 118 was now. However, he knew deep down that he still would’ve been alone and on the outside.

And they rescued the survivors and Tommy thought that was it but then Eddie wanted to hang out. And they liked the same things and had similar experiences and Tommy couldn’t help the hope. Because the loneliness had grown stifling and now he could breathe a little. And then Evan, the cute blonde, wanted a tour of the hanger and he thought that maybe he was being hit on.

And then at the end of it all, Tommy was left realizing that he’d wedged himself between two best friends and that was what happened when he allowed himself to hope. So he went to Evan to apologize. He would get Evan and Eddie to talk to each other and then would fade into the background.

But then Evan was sweet and apologetic and told him that he was part of the 118 family simply by helping them. Tommy couldn’t help it. Here he was, at 39, with a little boy still waiting inside of him to be soothed. And Evan was hot and sweet and Tommy couldn’t help himself.

And he really liked Evan. Evan was adorable. But their first date didn’t go as planned and Tommy knew he was already whipped. So he removed himself before someone could get hurt. Evan deserved better and so did he, even if the loneliness was stifling again.

But then Evan texted him and looked at him with sparkling blue eyes over too sweet coffee and wanted him. Him. He wanted Tommy and to have something with Tommy and he wanted him to come to his sister’s wedding with him.

And Tommy looked at him and saw someone who could finally fill the ache he’d felt his whole life. He saw a man who he knew he wanted to take a chance with. All he had to do was jump.

And he did.

And it wasn’t solved, not immediately and never fully. Too many wounds were left gaping for too long to ever heal. But for the first time in his life, at 39, with the 118 surrounding him and Buck as the sunshine at his side, Tommy finally felt at peace.

[sourcherryandsprinkles]

The part where Jeremiah’s like if I start kissing you I’m scared I won’t be able to stop or something like that! Chills

My Jeremiah stuff keeps flopping, why are you doing this to me...

my taglists are here + you can send requests here at any time

—

Under the moonlit sky of the golf course, everyone was getting ready for bed. Steven and Taylor had gotten tablecloths and cushions from the debutante ballroom. It wasn’t as comfortable as a real bed, but it was better than sleeping on the grass. At least it was summer. And thank god it wasn’t pouring rain.

Not feeling tired yet, you decided to walk around. These past nights, your dreams have been haunted by bright blue eyes and a sweet smile, as if pressing you to make a move on Jeremiah Fisher. You shared a kiss on the boardwalk last summer and didn’t stop thinking about it all year. It was embarrassingly pathetic.

Talking about Jeremiah, you spotted him by the golf cart, folding tablecloths to make blankets. A smile curled on your lips and you walked toward him. 

‘’Hey, Jere.’’ 

‘’Hey,’’ he returned, short and dry. 

A frown drew between your eyebrows. ‘’Do you want to go inside and finish the movie?’’ 

‘’Not really. It’s kinda late.’’ He continued folding the tablecloths, completely ignoring you. 

‘’Oh. Okay.’’ You nodded, understanding. It was late. ‘’If you ever need a place to sleep tomorrow night, you can come to my house. I’m sure my parents—’’ 

‘’That’s very kind of you, but no thanks.’’ 

You lowered your eyes at the grass, watching it slip between your toes in your sandals. You were trying to be kind, but he obviously didn't want your help. 

He was still upset about the house and his aunt and dad teaming up to sell it, but there was something else. Something related to you. 

Last night, on the boardwalk, he was sweet and touchy and even gave you some of his candy he and the boys won. Now, he was a different person. Cold. Distant. It’s like he didn’t want to talk to you, to be with you.

You could only think of one thing related to you that Jeremiah could be acting strange over. 

‘’Is it because of the kiss we shared last summer?’’

You hadn't talked about it since it happened and kisses often make things awkward in friendships.

Jeremiah shook his head. ‘’It’s not that,’’ he said. ‘’I…I liked the kiss.’’ 

‘’Then why do you keep pushing me away? Since you arrived in Cousins, you’ve been so confusing. You almost hold my hand in the theater and now you push me away like I have plague. I can’t decipher those mixed signals, Jeremiah. I'm not a detective, I'm a teenage girl.’’

With a deep breath, Jeremiah looked directly into your eyes. ‘’Because when I’m alone with you, all I think about is kissing you and if I kiss you, I don’t know that I can ever stop.’’

His words hung in the air, mixing with the crickets' chirp, a confession of feelings you were not expecting to hear tonight — or ever. Your heart started beating faster in your chest, realizing that you had been wrong about Jeremiah. He wasn’t giving you mixed signals because he was playing with you, he was giving you mixed signals because he was scared of his feelings for you. 

You opened your mouth to speak, but Jeremiah spoke first. 

‘’Life has been really hard these past months, but I never wanted to push you away. I wanted to call you after our kiss, I wanted to ask you on a date and hold your hand and kiss you again. But I found out about my mom and I couldn’t think about anything else,’’ he admitted, his voice soft and earnest. 

You looked into his eyes, searching for any sign of insincerity, but you didn’t see any. 

‘’When I saw you at Rosie’s, I was so happy.’’ A genuine soft smile tugged at his lips, thinking back to two days ago. ‘’Seeing you face to face is much better than through your instagram.’’ 

You raised an eyebrow at him. ‘’You stalked my instagram?’’ 

Jeremiah covered his face and groaned, embarrassed. ‘’Is that all you picked up?’’ 

You uncovered his face and intertwined your fingers with his. ‘’No, but it’s an interesting anecdote. I didn’t know you were the type of guy who stalked girls on social media.’’ 

‘’I’m not!’’ he defended, regretting saying that now.

‘’I know.’’ You chuckled. ‘’I’m just teasing you.’’ 

A sense of warmth and comfort enveloped the two of you, the tension that had been lingering between you dissipating. Although all of your friends were sleeping a few meters nearby, it felt like there was no one else in the world but the two of you. Especially when you looked up into his eyes. It’s so easy to get lost in their beauty and forget everything else.

Jeremiah let out a small laugh, relieved that you were taking his confession and embarrassment in good spirits. He looked down at your lips, thinking about the last time he tasted the vanilla cupcake lip gloss on them. Were you still wearing the same? It probably wore off by now, but Jeremiah was dying to know if you tasted the same. 

Taking a small breath of courage, he leaned in closer, closing the distance between you and gently pressed his lips against yours. The kiss was soft and tender, Jeremiah’s hand coming to cup your face gently while yours reached his shoulder to pull him down to your height. 

When you broke apart, you smiled against his lips, dying to kiss him again. ‘’Do you want to set your blanket next to mine?’’ you suggested, glints of hope in your eyes.

Jeremiah nodded. ‘’If that’s okay with you.’’

—

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[tabithatwo]

okay, it has been a HOT fucking second, but it's time for the rest of my jackie taylor is a lesbian and she knows it (or she at LEAST knows she likes women) thoughts for the pilot (this is a continuation, if you feel like this is abrupt click the link <3)

jackie trying to set shauna up with randy LISTEN she does it in SUCH a lesbian-minded way...like ah yes, a boy that can be an accessory and what if you dated randy and you wouldn't like him (i KNOW you wouldn't like him) and i kept dating jeff (i don't like him and don't you KNOW that i don't like him?) and then we could always insist on double dates and every time i have to go out with jeff, i'd actually be going out with you <3 <3

jackie is not even looking much at shauna's outfits when shauna turns to her for feedback and y'know why??? the existence of BOOB DRESS!!! the sheer lesbianism of that line continues to amaze me. shauna! just wear the dress i got you that makes your boobs look sooooo good pleasssse?? LIKE HELLO??

shauna gets frustrated which jackie clearly didn't expect, so what's she gonna do?? immediately make a joke <3 back off <3 try and make her smile <3 (sidebar idk how people read this scene as intensely mean and controlling jackie like i beg you to watch again, they're teenagers being teenagers, jackie unintentionally upsets shauna and shauna gets frustrated and jackie smooths it over and shauna chills out like that's the scene baby)

jackie being sooo happy that shauna is joking again (this is one of those times we see the smile/laugh that only shauna really gets out of her)

she's got her arm around jeff but her eyes on shauna for much of this scene and we get a completely different jackie here with jeff than we saw in the opening because she is PERFORMING! like this is the man she makes herself tolerate serving his purpose for real, such a young lesbian experience

okay that is ENOUGH of that man (truly three seconds with her arm around him, where her eyes were still on shauna not him), jackie hands jeff her drink and immediately reaches for shauna when she wants to dance

okay more performance yes, like she's clearly putting on a show here but also?? it is SOOOO obvious that little miss broody shauna is watching right now and jackie actually looks directly at her for good fucking measure, like she is very aware of shauna watching her and shauna's attention being on her. she does this AGAIN when she's desperate for shauna's love/attention/affection in doomcoming when she walks away with travis (to FUCK HIM IN SHAUNA'S BED)

the compliments scene? so fucking flirty, so fucking gay, so clear that this is their usual dynamic. like the level of baby dyke flirty love in the i dunno...you haven't said anything nice about me yet and all the little smiles and the ritual of it the you're my best friend as a stand in for i love you like we really don't get a ton of them precrash but the pilot establishes SO MUCH of their relationship prior to all the trauma so beautifully ughhh

jackie wanting to be dropped off first GOD THIS SCENE, it is so often taken as her being selfish for selfishness sake (or out of fear of her parents) but she also does NOT want to be left alone in the car with jeff!! we saw her discomfort with being sexual with him right away in the pilot, it was immediately established, he ignored every sign that she did NOT want him to be touching her. i don't know about you but this was a dance i did allll the time at that age!! the plotting to not be alone with the boyfriend!!

also her performative happiness with jeff EVAPORATES, like that is for public straightness perception, she does the minimum saying bye to that man and then she hugs shauna like its her goddamn job

jackie taylor queen of gay-zing tbh

y'know when your parents are terrifying but your girl got really anxious last time you flew somewhere so you steal your insane mother's valium for her??

but that's not enough so you have to GIVE HER THE HEART NECKLACE THAT YOU WEAR EVERY DAY AND SAY THERE NOTHING CAN TOUCH YOU NOW (because you have my heart, you have my love, jackie taylor ALSO queen of discomfort with saying i love you verbatim but saying it in a million other ways, this is a thought for another day but!! a heart!! that she wears!! next to her heart!! for the girl who has her heart!!)

of course she's also got to watch shauna put it on (gay-zingly) and did i need to include 10 screenshots of this moment to make my point?? MAYBE NOT but YOU'RE WELCOME cause LOOK AT THEM!!

more to come eventually <3 <3 this one was largely fun sweet precious honestly compared to the last and the ones to come, so yeah i really went wild with the photos <3 <3

[salamanderinspace]

When I was 17, after my parents first threw me out, I lived in a house where a bunch of young professionals were all saving money by living in close quarters. The rent was $200. This was 20 years ago, of course. My roommates were all about 28-29, on the cusp of getting married and getting their own houses, and they all worked two jobs or paired a job with grad school. As a result it was mostly me alone in the house, using the house.

We had two doors--a front door, and a back door that led to a little parking area. The kitchen trash was right by the back door. I'd never been out the back door, because I didn't have a car to park, unlike my roommates. So when the communal kitchen trash got full I would, like a teenage gremlin, simply not take it out.

This is because I was frightened. I imagined going out the back door and it closing behind me and locking. I imagined raccoons. I imagined I would not be able to find the bins, or I wouldn't take the bins to the corner at the correct time. It wasn't about laziness … I was working three jobs at the time, one of which was cleaning hotel rooms. I changed a dozen trashes every day. For most of my life since that house, I've been the trash taker at my place. But there I had some kind of autistic mental block about it. Not anxiety. It was more like. I couldn't think through how the task would go. If someone had showed me, visually step by step, I might have got it.

Anyway. This caused my roommates to have a rather poor impression of me, and to be irritated. It probably wasn't this alone, but a series of equally autistic moments ruining the very limited time we did spend in each other's company. Shyness, or oversharing. Forgetfulness. The result was that they really, really didn't like me. I did not know this, of course. I found out later, through facebook. I had a lot of respect for them and wanted to connect--for the whole six months I lived there, I yearned for it,and I tried my best. Then they went off and got married and got their houses.

Sometimes when I feel kind of alone I think about all the little relationships like those. Dozens of different jobs and flop houses where I really tried to make friends and people closed me out for a (minor, but valid) reason. And I just hate myself. I hate myself so much. It's not like I'm ever going to be able to stop having these autistic moments; it's always going to be something different, some error in thinking. When I make friends it's generally with someone who knows how to be forgiving and understanding of disability… It's easy for me to direct that at other people. It's not easy to apply it to me, because my actions have resulted in my isolation.

Or maybe I never had a shot at winning those kids over; they were older, and sort of bougie-judgmental, so maybe no one could have made a good impression in my position. I don't know. I just know that any aloneness and rejection I experience really feel like my fault.

[theodorecanaryhood]

The tale of the Robin who never loved

Jason Todd x Male Reader (including swearing and sex)

Happy pride 🏳️‍🌈

A dark abandoned warehouse filled with the screams of Jason Todd, the second Robin. The angry teenager who got too cocky.

Joker had just about done all methods of torture on the young man, laughing hysterically the whole time. Fear and sadness was all Jason could feel right now.

Jason never loved his whole life, his parents were just as bad as most of the scum who roamed the streets at night in Gotham. Jason lived in the streets, then being adopted by Bruce Wayne.

Jason found it hard to love the man he now calls Dad, feeling like he was only adopted into the Wayne line to replace his older brother, Dick. Not there because Bruce loved and cared for him.

So, here it was now in present day Gotham City, with Jason, or rather currently Red Hood, dishing what he was given all his life.

His unhealthy amount of anger was fostered by a pair of personas, until the day it was finally released on anyone who crossed him the wrong way.

Jason was not a happy man nor was he an empathetic man, at least not to those he didn’t care much for. He, of course, would make it very obvious. If Jason didn’t like you, there was no changing it, he did not like you.

Half the time there was no reason behind it, he just didn’t want to be open to new people. So used dislike as an excuse.

One particular humid night on patrol, humidity, heat and anger are never a good mix FYI, Jason was just not in the mood to give in. Patrol was rough, and criminals would be on the receiving end unfortunately.

The night club was loud tonight as the music blared, so loud the floor vibrated violently. Though no one cared, alcohol mixed with lights. People were never caring to complain the nightclub music hurt their ears.

Jason in particular stood out as he sat alone at the bar, drinking neat whiskey, more neat whiskey, shots, neat whiskey.

Was he drinking to forget? Feel better? Sleep better?

Jason didn’t know at this point as he poured the booze down his throat, waiting for the affects to kick in. One thing from the pit, was his tolerance got better, would drink way more than the average man and still had no affect. Drunkenness was not easy to come by.

The music was a good choice as Jason just listened and hummed along, to himself and just enjoyed the feel and the beat.

‘Hey handsome’ a woman smiled as she approached Jason.

Not unattractive to be fair as she stood a good height, roughly about 5’6, blonde curly hair, night dress. Great legs and soft skin. Big, blue eyes, not overdone with the fake tan and makeup.

‘Hi’ Jason side smiled, the woman placed her hand on Jason’s bicep, having a good feel.

‘I’m Elena, wanna dance with me?’ She asked, not letting go of Jason’s arm.

‘Sorry, Elena, I’m not really a dancer’ he replied politely, trying to pull his arm out of her grip.

Jason had his admirers but never cared much to let it go anywhere. To be fair, Jason knew his type, he just never met anyone from that.

‘It’s ok, we can have some drinks and see where the night goes’ Elena continued, flicking her hair behind her shoulder.

‘We can have a drink, I really don’t mind. Could use company’ Jason agreed, Elena getting happy as she sat next to him.

The two spoke for a while as they got past the first name basis, talking about music interests, different types of cocktails they liked.

‘So, you wanna have that dance now?’ Elena asked after a minute of talking about random music choice.

‘Still not a dancer, sorry’ Jason reminded, Elena smiled as she shrugged.

‘No problem hotness, we can go back to my place and have a different kind of dance’ Elena laughed.

‘You are a very beautiful woman Elena, but you’re really not my type’ Jason responded as politely as possible.

Elena looked at Jason annoyed as she sighed, looking him the eyes.

‘What would make me your type?’ She asked, Jason chuckled a little.

‘My type is toned, dark haired, nice eyes, great smile, male’ Jason informed, Elena clocked on and nodded.

‘Got it’ she said, sliding off the chair and walking away with her drink.

Jason laughed a little as he started on his next drink. Not paying attention to anything as he found humour in the situation he was just in.

That’s when he knocked someone’s arm and spilt their drink all over them, Jason’s eyes shot wide as he turned to them.

‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry, so sorry’ Jason apologised profusely to the male figure standing next to him.

‘It’s ok, really I didn’t look where I was going’ you said, seeing as Jason stared at you.

Call it enough and it’ll happen as Jason looked at you, toned, nice eyes, great smile, dark hair and male. Shit.

‘Let me buy you another drink’ Jason said as he urged you to stay next to him.

‘It’s ok’ you placed a hand on his shoulder, Jason insisting.

‘No really, it’s only polite, I knocked your drink out of your hand the least I should do is buy you another’ Jason kept insisting as he got the bartender over.

‘Hey, can I get another…uh’ Jason looked at you, you laughed.

‘God father’

‘Right, another one please’ Jason said to the bartender as he paid for the drink.

‘Feel like I should take you out to dinner’ you chuckled to Jason as he handed you the drink.

Jason looked at you with his eyebrows raised, smiling a little.

‘I mean, you brought me a drink so I should get you dinner’

Jason kicked the bar stool next to him to invite you to sit down, which you did.

The two of you sat for ages as you laughed and talked about life, having quite a deep conversation. You couldn’t deny this handsome stranger was quite intriguing.

‘I’m Jason Todd by the way, just realised I haven’t told you my name’ Jason held out his hand.

‘Y/n y/l/n’ you shook his hand with a bright smile.

The night got late as you looked down to see it was almost 1 in the morning, you didn’t even register how late it had gotten.

‘Crap, is that the time?’ You said looking at your phone screen.

‘Curfew?’ Jason asked jokingly as you smiled, nodding.

‘Something like that, was telling my roommate I wouldn’t be out too late tonight’ you stood up as Jason looked a little upset.

‘Well, if I give you my number will I get that dinner you promised?’ Jason asked, holding your hand.

‘Yeah, here’ you pulled a marker from behind the counter and wrote on Jason’s arm, your number of course.

‘Don’t wash that arm till you save my number’ you winked as you have Jason a kiss on the cheek.

Jason was almost floating the whole way home as he kept thinking about you, literally all he thought about for the 15 minute walk was you.

Your laugh, your smile…everything about you, Jason just wanted to go see you now.

‘What the hell?’ Jason said to himself as he got to his front door, wondering why he was like this all of a sudden.

First date was great, you gave Jason what he promised. Second date, Jason promised to kiss you spontaneously. And he did.

Jason stood with you under an archway as he took your hand in his, pulling you in and giving you a deep kiss. The kiss almost made you stop breathing as your heart stopped too, for about 30 seconds.

The kiss was all Jason could think about for the next couple of days, he couldn’t believe how beautiful it was. How good it made him feel.

It had been so long since Jason had kissed a guy he was sure he’d do something wrong, but you were so laid back. It took the pressure off.

Jason stood staring at himself in the mirror as he adjusted his shirt collar, he sprayed himself again. Thinking about how the next part was coming.

You entered Jason’s apartment after he kissed you at the door, all Jason wanted to do was kiss you. All the time.

There was a nice candlelit dinner with some light music on in the background, though no one paid attention to the music.

Jason couldn’t help the aching twitch in his pants as he looked at you, holding your hand from the other side of the table.

You weren’t doing much better either as all you could concentrate on right now was the same thing, the twitch.

Jason stood up as he took your hands in his and stood you up, kissing you passionately all of a sudden. A kiss you welcomed.

You pulled Jason in and pressed yourself up against his body, a body you’d been dying to see.

Jason slid your shirt off as you didn’t even register he’d unbuttoned it, you unbuttoning Jason’s. Running your hand down his torso, looking down and almost gasping.

‘Wow, you’re ripped’ you smiled.

A sigh of relief came from Jason as he pulled you in for another kiss, a relief that you never once commented on the scar filled body.

Jason lifted you up so your legs were wrapped around his waist, taking you to his room. Throwing you on his bed.

Jason pulled your pants down, your underwear and greeted your throbbing, hard dick with his mouth.

You threw your head back into the pillow as you moaned out, a breath escaped from your mouth in sheer joy.

Jason worked on your shaft like a pro as you moaned out, Jason held your hips in place as he went to work.

The bliss from his new found hobby was a feeling you didn’t know you could have, Jason holding you down so he could do all the work.

Jason came up to your face as he gave you another deep kiss, his tongue tasted of your pleasure. Though he wasn’t ready for you to finish yet.

He rolled you onto your stomach as he pulled your legs apart, Jason’s tongue tearing into your hole. Giving kisses to your ass cheeks, along with bites.

Jason was so hard it was hurting him but he wasn’t ready until you were, he wanted you to tell him how much you needed him. Jason was polite like that.

Jason dug his fingertips into your cheeks while his tongue devoured the hole, you gasping in pleasure.

‘Jason, I want you’ you breathed out, you felt Jason smile while his face was against you.

‘You sure?’ Jason asked, you grabbed at Jason’s leg, urging him to come closer.

You rolled on your back and kissed Jason deeply again, his lips were something special. You’d never had kisses like his before.

His kisses were hungry almost as Jason would grab and pull you close, yet he was also light when kissing, he would lightly peck before getting deeper.

‘Holy, wow’ you gasped as Jason took off his underwear.

There it was, Jason’s prize for your patience, his hard and throbbing dick, at least at a good 9/10 inches.

‘Come here baby’ Jason said sweetly, pulling you closer to him.

Jason lay you on your back while he kissed you, laying in between your spread open legs. Jason was lined up and ready.

You guys had spoken about protection already, you telling Jason you’re allergic to latex, so Jason took the responsibility to get latex free condoms.

Jason slid into you slowly, you buried your face into his shoulder, taking deep breaths. Jason entered and stayed there for a few seconds.

‘You ok babe?’ He asked you, you nodding as you breathed your way through it.

‘Yeah, feels amazing’ you smiled, Jason pecked your nose.

‘You want poppers?’ He asked sweetly, you shook your head.

‘No, just fuck me’ you urged as Jason began to move slowly.

Slow and small thrusts to start as No to brag, but Jason was aware he was quite big in the genital department, so he usually had to take his time when having sex with someone new.

‘Oh God, that feels amazing’ you breathed out, Jason smiled as he saw your face. Biting your lip, closing your eyes while your head was back in the pillow.

‘My sweet Angel’ Jason whispered as he picked up a quicker pace.

It had been a while for Jason so he was aware to take it slow, not to finish too quickly. Also, he was enjoying the view of you.

‘Jason, oh God’ you couldn’t find words as Jason began to move faster. Testing how fast he could go with you.

The more Jason sped up the more you loved it, so Jason began going quicker to a point where he was slapping against you.

‘I wanna sit on you’ you said as you urged Jason to roll on his back.

You slid back onto Jason’s dick while he lay down, you sitting on top.

You slid up and down slow for about a minute, running your hands up and down Jason’s arms and chest, then you began to go quicker.

‘Fuck, baby, y/n’ Jason almost shouted as you began to bounce quicker, allowing Jason to go balls deep inside you.

Jason took his hands away from your waist as he put one hand under his head, laying back. The other hand resting in your thigh.

Your hips moving as you began to jerk yourself, Jason taking his time to let you finish first.

‘Oh God I’m so close’ you moaned as you lay down on your back, your seed spilling everywhere. On Jason’s chest, the bed.

Jason chuckled as he started to pick up a quicker pace, you sat back up straight, feeling Jason inside you still.

‘Oh fuck, fuck’ Jason growled as he began to feel himself getting closer and closer.

‘Come in me’ you called out, neglecting the fact that the neighbours could hear you two.

Jason lifted his hips off the bed slowly and sharply as he got the end. Throwing his head back into the pillow.

You lay next to Jason as he caught his breath, while you kissed at his neck and shoulder.

‘I really need to clean up’ Jason smiled as he kissed your head, rolling out of bed.

Time went on and the two of you became more and more inseparable, after about 6 months Jason asked if you wanted to move your stuff to his apartment. You of course, accepting.

‘I really want to suck your dick’ Jason randomly said to you while you were cooking dinner, you smiled a little.

Jason lifted you off your feet and rested you on the counter, pulling your pants down as he went to work. Swallowing the load that came out.

‘Save the energy for dessert babe’ you smiled, Jason slapping your ass, pressing himself into you.

The two of you just had so much fun together and Jason was not even surprised or scared the first time you told him you loved him. He just wrapped you up in a hug, telling you he feels the same.

There was more to the relationship than just spurts if sex in the day, night and other times. Mean, you and Jason had sex nearly every night.

The other parts of the relationship was Jason surprising you to a trip away, Bruce’s beach house, a weekend getaway trip, a shopping trip. There really wasn’t anything Jason hadn’t surprised you with.

You introduced Jason to all the local Gay bars, you took him on his first pride March. Most precious to Jason, you just loved him hard. Probably the hardest anyone has ever loved him.

Jason Todd, the Robin who never loved, had changed dramatically and was mad at himself for so long going without you, for himself refusing to love and be loved. You helped him as he was now able to not only love you, but himself.

[swimmingismywholelife]

Goodbye Christmas

Summary: While everyone else is celebrating the holidays, you can't help but wonder if things could've ended differently if you had just taken a chance.

Warnings: SO MUCH ANGST, unrequited love, SUPER heartbroken reader

WC: 2.2K

A/N: 🎶On the fifth day of Ficmas my writer gave to me, unrequited love with Kai🎶 I actually love Kai and Sophia fuCK WHEN IS IT MY TURN

Link to the Song: Goodbye Christmas

"I'm falling, I'm falling down

Everyone's happy now, but I'm alone tonight

Don't let me, don't let me drown

It's too late to say I love you, babe, gooodbye."

~~~

"I'm so happy for you!" Lea squealed as she hung lights on the wall. "You and my brother were basically meant to be together!"

Sophia smiled brightly at her. "I'm so happy with him. Like I really can't believe how lucky I am to have him!"

"The two of you deserve each other," Lea replied. "You bring out the best in one another in a way I've only seen in true love."

"Oh stop," Sophia blushed. "Honestly, it's all thanks to Y/N here anyway. I owe you so much for bringing me to Kai. None of this would even be possible without you."

Now it was your turn to blush as you placed the mistletoe over the door. "I didn't even do anything dude. You guys hit it off all on your own."

"But it was you who introduced the two of us all those years ago!" Sophia protested. "Why do you think I asked you to be my maid of honor? Because you're the best friend ever who brought me so much love in so many different ways. And I love you!"

"I love you too, Soph," you said, tears forming in your eyes.

"GROUP HUG!" Lea shouted gleefully. She forcefully threw herself onto the two of you, squeezing you together.

"Oh God," you said as she squished you together, the three of you giggling together.

Sophia had been your best friend for as long as you could remember. You'd moved to Germany at a very young age into the house right next to hers. Your parents wanted to get to know some of the neighbors, bringing food to show a gesture of goodwill. You shyly complimented Sophia's hair, and she immediately declared you to be her best friend for life. And from that day forward, the two of you became inseparable.

You'd met Kai playing football. He just happened to be playing on the same field as you one day and was thoroughly impressed with your passion despite not wanting to go pro. Eventually, just playing on the field turned into hanging out all the time, leading you to become incredibly close. It was you who convinced him to join Leverkusen and showed him that playing seriously on a professional level was an option. And it was you who he often thanked in interviews for getting him to the level that he was playing at.

While Sophia was your girl best friend, Kai was on a different level. He understood you in ways that no one else could and despite his busy schedule, he was always there whenever you needed him to be. He often brought you food when you were studying, he held you when you cried, and he was always there to listen. He was kind, caring, ambitious, and he was one of the only people who you felt truly being comfortable around. He was everything you could've wanted and more.

You couldn't help but develop feelings for him as you grew into your teenage years. And as more time passed, the stronger your feelings became. You found yourself holding back the urge to hold his hand, to kiss him senseless, to be held in his arms even when you weren't crying. You sensed that maybe he felt it too when sometimes you found him looking at you when you weren't doing anything special, when his hugs lingered longer than usual, when he started bringing your favorite snacks everywhere you went. But you were too afraid to say something. And your friendship was too important for you to ruin. So you just kept quiet, keeping your feelings to yourself.

One day, you'd invited Sophia to watch one of Kai's football games. It was surprising they hadn't met each other considering how often you hung out with both of them separately. So you took matters into your own hands. You were so excited to finally introduce your two best friends to each other, knowing they'd get on well. 

You didn't anticipate how well they'd get on, clicking almost instantly. From the moment they locked eyes on one another, you knew something sparked between them whether they knew it themselves or not. They'd starting spending a lot of time together, more than you did with either of them. While they never neglected hanging out with you, you certainly noted that they talked about each other to you quite a lot. Maybe this was the time for you to be honest with the both of them.

But you were still too afraid. Every time you tried to confess, you found a way to change the subject and move on. You didn't wanna ruin anything. So you just kept the feelings to yourself.

You'd never forget the day when Sophia confessed her feelings for Kai.

"Hey Y/N, can I be honest about something?" she asked as you went out for coffee one day.

"Yeah, of course!" you said. "What's up?"

"So you know how Kai and I have been hanging out?" You nodded. "I think I like him, like a lot," she gushed. "We have so much in common! And he's charming, he's funny, and he's just so amazing!"

You could feel your hopes shatter into pieces.

"Oh really?" you asked weakly.

"I know it's kinda stupid of me to ask you, but do you think I have a chance?" she asked. "Do you think he likes me too?"

Your heart felt heavy. Your best friend liked him. Really liked him. And you knew that being honest with her about how you felt would cause a rift. Sophia meant the world to you, and you didn't want to put her in a position where she couldn't be happy with someone for the sake of your friendship. So you kept your feelings to yourself.

"Yeah, I think you do," you replied softly. "And I think you're gonna be great for each other."

The double whammy hit you a few weeks later when Kai also confessed how he felt about Sophia.

"Soooo, I wanna be honest with you about something," he said as he watched you juggle the ball.

"What, that your last game was shit?" you joked.

"Fuck you," he said. "But no, something more like serious I guess."

You kicked the ball up, catching it in your hands. "Alright. What's bothering you?"

He scratched the back of his head. "I don't want this to be weird because I know she's your best friend, but I've been hanging out with Sophia a lot." Your heart dropped for the second time in the span of a few weeks. "And I like her a lot. And if I'm being completely honest with you, I can see myself going really far with her. Like I could really fall in love with her if I let myself."

"That's great," you forced out. "I'm glad you have someone you feel that way about."

"I've been thinking about it a lot, and I think I'm gonna ask her out. But I know she's your friend and I wanted to know how you felt about it," he said.

"Kai-" You stopped yourself. This was your chance. This was it.

"I think you should go for it. You've got a pretty good chance with her," is all you said instead.

And a few weeks later, Kai took his shot.

When they announced their engagement to you, it didn't come as a surprise. After all, Sophia moved with him when he left for London. From the moment they were together, they were always in it for the long haul. You were excited for them of course, but you couldn't show either of them how much pain you were in at the thought of their marriage. Even when Sophia asked you to be her maid of honor, you couldn't tell her. You didn't tell anyone about your true feelings for Kai. You couldn't. You'd ruin the atmosphere and potentially even your friendship with everyone. You couldn't risk it.

So here you were, visiting her and Kai for a Christmas get together with some other friends and family. You and Lea had graciously "volunteered" to help Sophia set everything up. And by volunteered, it really meant Sophia didn't give you a choice. But her giddy attitude was too infectious, so you couldn't help but give into her.

The party, of course, went off without a hitch. It had to be with Sophia in charge. And you thoroughly enjoyed yourself a lot more than you'd initially thought. It was a lot of fun to meet some of Kai's teammates, both old and new. It helped get your mind off your broken heart.

At some point during the night as everyone prepped for midnight, you found yourself sat on one of the windowsills hugging your knees to your chest, staring at the snow gently falling to the ground. You leaned your head against the cold glass feeling the chill run through your body. You sighed wishing you could turn back the clock and took the chance to be honest with your friends.

"What are you doing here all alone?" you heard Kai ask from behind you.

"Just thinking," you said, not bothering to turn around.

"Anything you wanna talk about?"

'I'm in love with you, Kai. I have been since we were kids and it hurts so much watching you marry my best friend,' you thought to yourself.

"Not anything in particular," you'd responded instead. "Just enjoying the snowfall."

"Can I join you?" Kai asked. You nodded, hugging your knees closer to you.

A comfortable silence fell. Words never needed to be exchanged to feel safe with him.

"You know, I wanted to thank you," Kai started. "For bringing Sophia and I together. I know I talk all the time about how she's the best thing that's ever happened to me, but it's really all thanks to you that we're even here to begin with."

"Sophia said that to me earlier too," you said smiling softly, turning your head slightly to look at him. "There's no need to thank me really."

"It's funny," he said. "When I was younger, I always pictured myself with you actually."

Your heart stopped for a moment. "What?"

"Yeah," he chuckled. "I could've sworn I was in love with you for all of my teenage years, especially while I was at Leverkusen."

"Really?" you said weakly.

"It sounds crazy, I know, because you didn't feel the same way and I was too afraid to say something."

You couldn't have been more heartbroken. Kai had felt the same way. But you were too afraid to say something and kept the feelings to yourself. And now it was too late.

"I thought I knew what real love was, but then you brought me to Sophia," he said. "That's when I understood what it was really like. I just had a really strong crush on you, I guess."

"Oh," is all you said. You didn't know what to say.

"Yeah, I know it's a little strange to bring it up now, but I figured in the Christmas spirit with the new year approaching it was the best time," Kai replied, "since this is my last Christmas before marriage and all."

"Thank you for being honest with me," you said quietly. "I really appreciate it."

"This doesn't make anything weird or anything like that, does it?" he asked.

You forced a smile that you were hoping he couldn't see past. "No, of course not. That was years ago anyway. We're past that now right?"

Kai let out a sigh of relief. "Okay, good. I mean Sophia knows too. She actually was a bit hesitant when I first asked her out because she was convinced you were in love with me. Weird right?"

"Yeah, weird."

Another silence fell as you tried keeping your emotions in check. You couldn't break down in front of him. Not now.

The grandfather clock chimed, signaling that midnight had arrived.  You looked over at Kai, your heart completely shattered.

"IT'S CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!" you could hear Sophia screaming, making the two of you laugh.

"We better go before she starts yelling at us," Kai said, gesturing to get up.

"I'm gonna stay here a little longer, but I'll join you guys in a bit," you responded.

"Are you sure you don't wanna join the festivities?" he asked.

You nodded. "I'll be right there. Don't worry about me."

"I always worry about you, dummy. But I'll leave you to it," he said, patting your head. "Don't be too long though."

He stood up, gently dusting himself off. "Merry Christmas, Y/N. I'm so grateful to have you," he said.

"Merry Christmas, Kai," you said. "I'm grateful to have you too."

You watched longingly as Kai walked over to Sophia. The two of them had nothing but pure love as they looked in each other's eyes. He held out his hand for her to take, gently twirling her around before bringing her into a kiss under the mistletoe you'd placed earlier that day.

"I love you," you whispered, only allowing yourself to hear the words you so desperately wanted to say to him. And you kept the feelings to yourself and let the tears finally fall.

Taglist: @thoseboysinblue @neverinadream @chilwellspulisic @lovelynikol16 @lizzypotter14 @pulisicsgirl @notsoattractivearenti @shadowscorch @nyctophilic0vitnir

[maren-gvf]

Good

Jake One-Shot

jake kiszka x f!reader

Warnings: 18+ MDI, smut, cursing, a little bit of drinking, general foreplay, !protected! p in v sex, teen Jake (18 give or take) (I know this isn't what teenage Jake looked like, but I don't feel comfortable using those pics)

Lemme know if I missed any warnings 😙

A/n: writing bc of writer's block! anyways, I really love this type of Jake fic so I wanted to make my own. I hope u enjoy!

Your phone buzzes as you pull into the Kiszka's driveway.

Josh: are u almost here?

You take out your phone and text him back.

You: Yeah I just pulled into ur driveway

Josh: k u can just come inside

Josh: the door's open

You: kk

You get out of your car, grabbing the Walmart bag full of supplies and your backpack. He was right, the front door was unlocked. You felt weird just letting yourself in, but it's whatever.

Josh is sitting at their dining room table when you walk into the foyer. He's drawing something on the huge piece of white poster paper he got for the project.

"Hey!" He greets you, looking up at you.

"Hey!" You say back, setting the bag on the wooden table. You start taking out your computer.

"How's the research coming along?" Josh asks, continuing to draw what looks like plants.

"Well," you start, pulling up the shared Google doc, "I found a lot out about the different organisms you'd find in a rainforest, but that's about it," you say, letting him scroll around.

"It looks good," he compliments. "Very informative."

"What about you?" You ask, grabbing a blue marker and walking over to the other side of the table to start on the fonts.

"I've done a couple things," he says.

"By that you mean you've done nothing," you say, giving him a look.

"Okay it's not my fault," he starts, putting the cap on the green marker he was using, "Jake needs me to sing for his band, so I haven't really had the time to do anything."

"Jake has a band?" You ask, looking up at him.

"You talking about me, Josh?" That familiar voice says. His familiar raspy tone crackled through your ears.

"I was just telling Y/n about your band," Josh says, grabbing another marker, "and how I never have time for school because of your ass."

Jake laughs to himself which makes you go momentary blind. You breathe in deeply, trying to ignore him even though his presence looms over you like a thick blanket.

He's not wearing a shirt, only some long pajama pants. He pops the cap of his beer on the edge of the table and takes a seat which makes his bicep muscles come out a bit. He wasn't very muscular, but leaner. You could see a faint outline of abs when he walked over to his seat.

Fucking hell.

"You interested or something?" He asks you, his stare burning into the side of your head.

You knew Jake only because of Josh. You weren't necessarily close with either of them, but your parents were good friends. You saw Jake around school and only had one class with him in Junior year. Josh was in your biology class which got you paired up together.

"I didn't know you played," you say, continuing to write, unable to look at him.

"Hm," he takes a swing of his beer, "well maybe you could come watch us some time."

"Maybe..." you say, nervously coloring in your letters.

Josh's phone dings, "Oh shit! I'm supposed to go pick up Sam from Danny's," he says. "Are you good to hang here by yourself and work on it?"

I have to stay here with Jake?

"Um, yeah, I'll be fine!" You say, watching him gather up his keys.

"Okay, and Jake leave her alone!" He yells, exiting the house. The front door slams and you're left there alone with Jake.

You continue your work, ignoring Jake who's very obviously looking at you as he drinks his beer.

"Do I make you nervous or something?" He asks.

"Why would you think that?" You ask, finally making eye contact with him which was a clear mistake.

"Well for one, your face is all red, and two, you're obviously trying to avoid me," he says, leaning back on the chair. His legs open a little.

"You definitely don't make me nervous," you say, your voice a little bit shaky because he does actually make you nervous.

"You're such a bad liar," he says, laughing to himself once again, a stupid smirk on his face.

"What are you doing here anyways?" You ask, now looking into his eyes.

"Uh, this is my house," he says, crossing his arms with a slight tilt of his eyebrows. You ignore his comment, feeling a little embarrassed.

He gets up from his chair and walks over to you. He's standing so close you can smell his body wash and the slight lingering scent of his shampoo. You feel like you're going to faint any second. He's so overwhelming to look at, you wanna burst into dust or flames or something!

"I've always had a thing for you, you know?" He says, reaching across your line of sight to grab a red marker.

You stand up, looking directly at him, "What?"

"Yeah," he leans on the table, twirling the red marker in his hand, "I've always thought you were beautiful and you have a cute personality." He tilts his head towards you a little bit.

He's so casual about it, you think you're dreaming. He moves a little closer to you. Your heart races uncontrollably. Your hands instinctively land on his chest. His eyebrows raise in satisfaction like that was his plan.

"Can I?" He says in a low voice, putting his hands on your waist as he walks you backward out of the dining room.

You gulp, nodding your head as you maintain eye contact with him.

He stops you in the dark hallway, pressing you gently against the wall as his hand slides up your shirt. His other hand holds your jaw, lifting your chin up slightly.

Please don't let this be a dream!

He brings his lips down to yours, kissing you gently before adding more pressure. His lips are so soft, you melt right into them. His tongue parts your lips, slowly sliding into your mouth. He tastes incredible. The kiss slowly becomes more needy, your hands going into his hair.

His lips disconnect from yours, traveling down your jaw and latching on your neck. He gently sucks at the skin enough to give you pleasure but not enough to leave a mark.

"Fuck me," you barely say, your hands traveling down his warm, tanned skin to reach the waistband of his pajama pants.

"I will, baby, I will," he breathes, kissing your lips again.

He moves you down the hall and into a room that you could only assume was his. He strips you of your shirt before you lay down on the bed. He takes your shorts off, tossing them to the floor, leaving you only in your bra and underwear.

What am I doing right now?

He separates your legs as he lays himself in between them. He kisses your lips before undoing your bra and adding it to the pile of clothes.

"You're gorgeous," he says, breathing heavily. "I need you."

"I've needed you more," you breathe out.

He slides your underwear off, leaving you completely naked under him. He slides two fingers into your wetness. He slides his fingers inside of you. You immediately hold onto him, your mouth open a little bit. He pumps them in and out of you.

"Holy shit," you moan, connecting your lips to his. His tongue distracts you from the amazing feeling he's building up inside of you.

"Jake-" you tilt your chin up.

"Come for me, baby," he says, continuing his motions as he plants kisses over your breasts.

Your orgasm hits you like a truck. He takes his fingers out of you.

"Jake, I need it, I need you to fuck me," you say, breathless.

"I know," he says, opening his nightstand and taking out a condom. He strips himself of his pajama pants, slipping the condom around his dick. He crawls on top of you, your legs wrapping around his waist. He situates himself in front of your entrance before slipping inside of you.

"All this for me?" He smirks, lightly thrusting in and out of you. Your arms wrap around his back, your fingers digging into his skin. Your breath hitches as he pulls in and out.

How'd I go from doing homework to being fucked?

He rests his head on your shoulder, his breath hitting your collarbone.

"Fuck, Y/n," he sighs, "you feel so good."

Your hands wrap around his biceps as he continues thrusting, "I'm almost there, Jake." You tightly shut your eyes, your hand flying down to grip the sheets. Both your bodies produce moans of pleasure that surround the room.

Your second orgasm approaches. Jake fucks you through it as his own takes over him. He releases himself, “Fuck,” he moans into the crook of your neck.

He pulls out falling to the side of you.

“Holy shit,” you laugh, covering your mouth. Both your breathing is rapid.

“Y/n!” You both hear Josh shout from the living area.

“Shit, shit, shit,” you say, scrambling off the bed and getting yourself dressed. Jake puts his pajama pants back on.

“Wait,” he says, holding the door closed, “I meant what I said in the dining room. I do… really like you.”

You smile, tucking some hair behind your ear, “I really like you too, Jake.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

[holyshonks]

I just finished the Halo YA series. @bloodgulchblog already warned that the ending is bad (in an ethically dubious way, not in quality--the series is good as far as Halo novels go) but it was even more unsettling than I thought. Some snippets that stood out to me:

Dorian is one of the kids who joins up with the UNSC. A bunch of his friends died during the initial attack on their town. Here, he finds out that the attack on the planet started six months prior and the UNSC didn't sound the alarm to "prevent panic". This triggers his distrust for towards UNSC, ONI, and Owen because he believes his friends could have survived if they had been warned.

Dorian's distrust also spreads to Evie, who starts to question ONI's motives. One of the details that I feel like we weren't supposed to read into is that ONI promised the kids a scholarship to college if they agreed to join the militia, which, considering how the books ends is just.......so disturbing.

"They're clearly okay with lying when it suits them." "Evie stop."

LET HER SPEAK!!!

(As an aside, I did like that one of Saskia's primary motives is she's trying to get on the UNSC's good side because her parents sold illegal arms and she doesn't want to be held accountable.)

And then of course, the most horrifying detail:

Victor has completely bought into the UNSC and is the most excited to have joined up. He gets injured and the kids are brought into a room and told that he's not recovering because of an ONI artifact they were all exposed to.

After """"""""getting his parent's permission"""""" they begin the still-experimental Spartan-IV augmentations on him and tell the kids that they will also die if they don't undergo the process. It is a doozy.

"You really think we're boogeymen, don't you?" Yes. Yes, I do.

Dorian is one of those characters that gets written off by the others as being paranoid while saying the exactly correct thing the entire time.

"I was a child soldier like my father before me and it was no big deal, god."

I feel like Dorian is supposed to be a stand-in for the reader because my immediate first thought when I read that Victor was sick is that ONI not only didn't get his parent's permission, but that they made up the disease whole-cloth. Like, with the context of everything ONI has ever done, this is elementary.

I truly can't tell if the intent was for this to be as sinister as it comes off? Because by the end they all "agree" to undergo the augmentations together because found family, greater good, ect ect and I'm left alone in the room like um......they're in high school??

Ultimately, I am interested to see how four teenagers with wildly different motives would make out as Spartans, but I would be pretty sad to see Dorian as a Spartan because it means they beat the healthy (and very accurate!!!!) suspicion out of him. But Dorian the insurrectionist? Yes please.

[qsphyxias]

ꜱʜᴀᴍᴇꜰᴜʟ, ᴘᴀʀᴋᴇʀ! ꜱʜᴀᴍᴇꜰᴜʟ!

if you fetishize mlm/nblm relationships, get the fuck out of here!

synopsis ; you + pete are dating, and you're about to have the house all to yourselves— but peter has to wait to do so, and he gets impatient. basically.

warnings ; m! reader (he/him), cussing, suggestive, a bit unorganized, unedited so probably typos, you have parents (lol he doesn't), also tom's spiderman

note ; this was going to go so much more different than i wanted it to!! i wanted it to be like peter was texting you and he was outside your window and like, frustrated bc he did not know if you liked him, and then you told him to come over or something and idk WHAT IS THIS . inspidered by the song below

words ; 1.2k +

⊱ ───── {⋅𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖 𝕠𝕣 𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖 𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖 - 𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕚𝕒𝕥𝕦𝕣𝕖 𝕥𝕚𝕘𝕖𝕣𝕤⋅} ───── ⊰

It was a nice, warm winter evening— or at least, it felt warm to Peter considering how much he was sweating that day. With a disgruntled string of curses, Peter whipped out his phone as he balanced himself on a lamp post, ready to text Ned and ask him if he remembered how to turn on the air conditioning in his suit.

Despite the gross feeling of his suit sticking to his thighs and pits, Peter continued to hesitate on sending that shameful text message. Not because it was the middle of December, or how Peter could not (or would not) tell Ned the very irrational reason why he needed those puffs of air in his suit— no, it was because of love, that's why! That's why he was sitting on a lamppost, worriedly watching you outside your house awaiting your incoming text message.

"God, I sound like an idiot. Oh god, I probably look like an idiot too." Peter grumbled, with his hands resting on his face and fingers set strategically, so he'd still be able to see through them, and into your bedroom window. Not creepy at all, no.

Before you harshly judge Peter's actions, (and rightfully so,) let it be known why he was doing it in the first place!

Just a couple of minutes ago, you two were texting (passionately)—as hormonal teenage boys do—until all of a sudden, you sent the following;

"My parents are about to leave to go check out some real estate property. They probably won't be back until 10 PM, at the earliest— wanna come over? I've gotta beat someone at Smash Bros."

What!? Peter was ecstatic, he was just about ready to go—having already slung on his pants and T-shirt with his webbing with one hand as he watched his phone screen with the other, like a hawk.

"Oh but, maybe wait a couple of minutes because my mom lost her phone and she'll probably take a few. I'll get you back with an update."

Nooooooooooo!

Oh, you. You... Evil, teasing, handsome, mischievous, terrifying you. If only you knew what you had just unleashed.

Despite your friendly reminder that Peter had to wait before he could smash you- I mean, play Smash with you, he did not care. Instead, he decided that a couple of minutes in the cold, waiting outside your room would be nothing to the spectacular Spider-man.

Also, because he made a giant webby mess in his room and he did not want to be home when Aunt May sees it.

And now we're back here; back to Peter sitting and waiting out on a lamppost, alone, and sweaty in the cold—which was ironic because he thought that his major problem of today would be the weather, not his hormones. He thought the latter would come easy, and oh boy, to say it did not.

"Ugh, come on S/o's mom! Find your damn phone already!" Peter moped as he watched your mom roam your room, searching for her phone helplessly—

—until, he saw it.

Her phone! Peter near jumped off the lamp post to try and catch your attention and point at the phone resting on the window sill, until he luckily realized that that was not a good idea.

Instead, Pete opted for whipping his phone out, texting furiously with his cold, but clammy fingers. "S/O!!! TELL YOUR MOM TO CHECK ON YOUR WINDOW SILL!!!!"

Wait, no, try again.

"Hey, you know I lost my phone last week and I actually ended up finding it on my window sill hahah, maybe check there?"

Nice and smooth.

Peter internally high-fived himself as he watched you pick up your phone from his angle. Followed by your sudden diversion of your attention to your window, then your gasp, and then your funny reaction of rapidly pointing at your window sill like a crazy person, where your mom's phone rested. With a relieved smile, your mom kissed you on your cheek and waved you goodbye, to which you turned red and—to Peter's dismay—closed the curtains. Gee, looks like you really hoped no one saw that exchange of mom kisses.

"Fuck!" Well this sucks. Now Peter can't watch you from your window like a— Ding!

A notification from you! Hooray! Who cares about the window, now he'll get to see the real thing!

"Thanks for the tip, bro! turns out her phone was in the exact location you just sent me— isn't that funny? Anyway, she's leaving soon, so you should probably start getting ready to leave."

Peter sighed, "If only he knew."

The familiar sound of an engine revving up caused Peter to perk up, now paying attention to the car that just pulled out your driveway which could be no other than your parents. Mission complete, Peter could now take action and tame his hormonal tendencies.

"All clear!" You quickly sent him, thinking there was no possible way he was as excited as you were-

Until a knock interrupted your thoughts.

You opened the door, shocked at the sweaty man you saw before you. "Peter?"

"Hi." With a smile like that, you could never have known he had just stripped himself naked and stuffed his suit into his backpack in seconds flat, prior to meeting you.

"But I just sent you the message? How did you get here so fast?" You laughed exasperatedly, ushering him in quickly before your parents could come back and kick him out.

"Love... finds a way?" He chuckled awkwardly, hoping he wouldn't have to explain his stalker-ish tendencies.

You could only shake your head, and laugh as you wasted no more time to pounce on him, letting him pick you up and bring you to the room he was just staring into not long ago. "Wow, strong too." You commented, to which he reacted bashfully.

You patted him on the arm, signalling your desire to descend from the soft pillows Pete calls his biceps. "Okay, this is getting demeaning— put me down."

The bed gave a good tiny bounce as you both settled onto the bed, with you getting comfortable just sitting on his chest. ""Love finds a way," huh?" Peter could only shrug, "Yup." not wanting to say anymore.

"So you love me?" You paraphrased his once thought-through quote, and replaced it with "disastrous gay blurbs."

"Love? Oh, did I say love?- I just meant- I mean, if you want- but I thought we were at the "like-like" stage? But I mean, if you're uncomfortable I can totally just-"

You interrupted him with a cackle, "Like-like stage? You did not just say that." A deadpan expression rested upon your features, something that screamed, "You are better than that." —causing Peter to flush even more than before. "Shut up." He muttered dejectedly, flopping face-first into your pillows. "I thought you were actually offended!" his words were muffled, but the true embarrassment laced in his words still came through.

In your defence, "I was!"

"No, you weren't," Peter corrected, "No, I wasn't." You repeated.

"You're mean." He stated, getting up from his fetal position and throwing one of your pillows at you. "But you love me." You reminded, a shit-eating grin decorating your features, laughing before getting a mouthful of pillow and suddenly, not laughing anymore.

"Correction, I "like-like" you." Peter climbed on top of you, you who had been pillow-beaten to death. "Ugh, back to the "like-like" stage, so much worse than the bro stage!" You feigned despair, a ghost of a smile still peaking through your grimace.

It only took seconds for Peter to make the decision he usually has trouble with— the decision to kiss you.

And let's just say, thank god your parents decided to overnight it at the real estate building.

⊱───── ❝ thank you for reading! ❞ ─────⊰

[detransdamnation]

A very common argument against educators keeping a student's (trans)gender identity a secret from parents is that it opens up a window for said students to be groomed because it sets a precedent that their parents or guardians are not to be trusted (at best) or that they are unsafe or abusive (at worst). To make the record very clear, I don't disagree—but I also think that the raw, unnuanced stance tends to ignore the fact that many parents are indeed untrustworthy, or unsafe, or abusive.

Many dysphoric and transgender youth grow up in abusive homes—in fact, many detransitioners, including myself, cite this as one of the main reasons on as to why they went on to develop dysphoria—and there are many parents who would use their child's dysphoria or proposed gender identity as ammo to further that abuse. I know because I was one of those children. My family was infuriated when I told them that I had dysphoria. My family discussed forcing me into clothes I was not comfortable in, activities I did not like, and heterosexual relationships I did not want with the explicit intent to "cure" me. It wasn't until the week I started my medical transition that they actually started to be a little bit okay with the thought of their child being transgender—and not because transition was something that would help me but because it would stop me from being, in their eyes, a burden on them.

My family were not emotionally safe people to know about my dysphoria, even though I was dealing with it in unhealthy ways, because they explicitly used my mental fragility against me. My home was never a safe place. Why, then, would it have been okay for my educators to—hypothetically—tell my family that I had been going by a different name within my inner circle years before my "actual" transition, all while knowing nothing about what I actually went through behind closed doors? We so often ask transgender people, "Why do you allow gender to hold so much power over you?"—but we so rarely ask ourselves, "Why do we allow nicknames and clothing"—(all gender identity and presentation is for the vast majority of these teens)—"to hold so much power over us as to justify playing tattletale, even to the extent of breaching student/counselor 'confidentiality,' to parents whose children may very well be keeping this information from them for very good reason?"

Controversial stance, though it may be—but it is through my own lifelong experience of abuse that I strongly believe that parents do not have an innate, deserved right to know anything and everything about their child just by virtue of being their parents. We cannot acknowledge the rates of abuse that dysphoric youth so often face whilst also conveniently forgetting in these such discussions that most abuse, in most cases, is perpetrated by immediate family members, especially parents, thus rendering these people potentially unsafe people to tell. Either way, these teenagers are hurting—and we can either bite our tongues and create a space where they feel they can safely work through that pain, or we can make their suffrage a political "parental rights" issue, very possibly causing even more suffrage inadvertently and further encouraging them to suffer alone, in silence, or in unhealthy echo chambers.

We must talk about the ways in which dysphoric youth are vulnerable. In doing so, we must also address the fact that danger most often comes from within the home.

[thisisthinprivilege]

thin priviege in rave/festival/EDM culture

I have always loved raves and music festivals since I was an early teenager (I'm 23 now).  Since I've been 18 I have been able to travel around to different festivals like Ultra, Zoo, Cochella, Bonnaroo, etc. And because I live in Vegas I have been able to attend some of the most elite clubs where internationally famous DJs have played. In many ways I am aware of how incredibly lucky I am to have the economic privilege to do all of these things thanks to my very supportive parents (they were hippies and enjoyed quite a few festivals in their day I'm guessing).

But instead, I want to talk about thin privilege at these events. The events themselves have become incredibly fashion conscious these last few years. People plan their outfits far far ahead of time and put so much thought into them. Which is great to some degree. But for me it is incredibly frustrating.  My thin friends that I go with were tiny shorts and skirts, wear body paint and next to nothing.  I am far from slut shaming them, I encourage them and help them plan outfits. I am happy for them. They are often asked by event photographers to take pictures.Their instagram photos get 100s of likes, DJs invite them in stage to dance.  They look great and everyone compliments them. It seems that dressing up is part of the fun for them. It is pretty much expected that you'll look good at the events, instead of actually enjoying the music. Not to mention the amount of people, that wear fat shaming clothing items that say things like "no fat chicks" and or "body by god and iron". As if being thin is all about being blessed by god and working out, not simply just genetics.  Thin girls wear shorts that say bootyful and get applauded and agreed with, not laughed hysterically at.

But then there is me. I am 5'6 and about 278. I have trouble in a size 24, usually the largest size available in places to do have larger sizes in my area. I feel often as I am somewhere between small fat and just simply fat. I know I don't have it to the worst, but growing up in  where literally everyone is hot and thin, I often feel much larger than I am, and I am usually the fattest person in the room, and I am then treated the worst because of it. As you guys and FBP have mentioned, fat shaming is usually relative, which I can 100% attest to. I only realize that I am not alone when I visit other cities where people are my size or larger.

I cannot ever find festival clothes that will fit my body and look good on me. The best I can do is usually wear leggings or tights with large men's hunting tops (those bright yellow/green/orange tshirts) and try and repurpose them to have ties, holes, etc. I've become really good at it (at least, I think so) and no one ever notices. I put just as much into my outfits and yet I never get noticed. I was even asked to step out of a picture because all my friends had on matching clothes that I couldn't fit into and therefore couldn't wear. I had to go as the fat friend on the side.

When I'm not going unnoticed, the stares i get are always out of disgust. People cannot fathom why a fat girl would bother with one of these events. Apparently only thin people in cute outfits can like EDM.

I just wish that the attention could go back to the music and happy community vibes and not the fashion of thin people.

[lazaruspiss]

Ok I’m gonna shoot my question here while you are in a analysis red hood mode (??): what do you think about his mommy issues (and fandom’s making it a trope)?

ooooo oh ok ok. this ones touchy. while i dont think its that present in canon i do think its there and worth the however many fics there are about it. like obvi theres probably a lot of boring and/or bad takes about it but the concept itself isnt running contradictory to canon or anything. i reread aditf a bit for this and had some tangents ill put in another post, but back to mommy issues.

jason had very little parental presence in his life at all. dads in prison, moms sick, he has no one looking out for him. probably why he and bruce seem to have bonded fairly quickly and jason accepted him as a father figure faster than any of the others. jasons bar for what makes a decent parent was nonexistent bc hed never really had someone dedicated to taking care of him. (even damian was hesitant, bc bruce being his dad would create distance between him and dick bc dick would no longer be his mentor, and hed gotten a bit attached)

jason accepted bruce as a father, but still missed his parents. he loved and grieved for both of them and most likely missed the idea of having normal parents in general in addition to missing his parents themselves. his love for his mom is still there when he realizes shes his step-mom instead, but it's accompanied by the hope that he still has living family out there.

the fact that jason went on a mom hunt in the first place is already enough that im like, yeah, i see where the mommy issues talk comes from. but i think you can go a few different directions with it

so theres catherine todd, who we only really know as being sick and a substance user throughout jasons childhood up until her death. iirc she died while willis was either already dead or in prison and so theres a period of time where jason (10-12ish?) would be taking care of his mother alone. being your mother's caretaker when you're still in elementary school does not make for a normal relationship.

and sheila haywood was uh. an illegal surgeon of sorts who fled the country and started a new life. apparently had an existing connection to the joker when she lived in gotham. he knows who she is and he knows how to blackmail her. while sheila describes it to jason as an operation gone wrong, joker calls it an "illegal surgery that killed a teenage girl" and sheila didnt seem to dispute that. probably watered down a lot of details in her explanation to jason. (the combination of 'illegal' and 'teenage girl' feels like it could imply an abortion? but it's left vague) and THEN it turns out she was stealing money meant to be used to save starving refugees before the joker even showed up. she sure is something. she still tries to help jason after he helps her, but don't skip over the part where she helps him after he helps her. she is still a person, but she is a fundamentally selfish person in every way. her final words include her commenting on how jason was a good kid who loved his mother. ive seen people take her final moments as a show that she still loved him, but i don't see it. one of those "a person doing a fraction of a good thing doesnt absolve them of everything else" kind of deals.

in both cases jasons mother(s) were relying on him. he never had an opportunity to be cared for and treated like a child. i don't think jason would have specific "mommy issues" about either of them, i think that he'd have some heavy feelings about the concept of a mother itself. what's it like to have a mom? does he still have a chance to be cared for and nurtured? his childhood was over before he had even met batman. becoming robin and being murdered is just tripling the issues he would've already had about his childhood regardless.

this is starting to veer off topic but

yes im finding a way to make this about Brothers in Blood. bite me. but even the first time i read this something that really stuck out is how jasons imaginary version of dick refers to him as a kid. dick doesnt really... do that. he did back when jason really was a kid, but this page says a lot about jasons self perception. he still wants to be taken care of, even if its not specifically "mommy issues" he definitely yearns for a chance to be treated like a kid again, after having rarely gotten that kind of care when he was a kid. (this page in particular is the first page of nightwing (1996) #121, which is one that i have a physical copy of <3)

[idrilka]

in which i tell you to go watch weak hero: class one

it's me, hi, i'm the problem (here to recommend yet another drama), it's me. it's a good one, though, i'm serious.

so you know how you watch one drama that comes absolutely out of nowhere and makes you feel like you're seeing colors only shrimp can see? and you know how you're like, yeah, that experience is not gonna repeat any time soon, except then it does, and you end up writing 35k in a month like a woman possessed because the story just won't let you go? anyway, this is how we got here with weak hero class 1.

to be completely honest, prior to watching this drama, i'd thought i was largely done with enjoying stuff set in high school (notable exceptions apply!). i have not been in high school for a… number of years, and these days i'm just less likely to reach for high school-set fiction (though, again, if the story is good, i don't care what the setting is). but then a lovely anon on tumblr pointed me to this drama, so i checked out the premise, thought, "hm, maybe when i'm in the mood," and left it alone. turns out, i got in the mood pretty soon, and what i've ended up with are two separate fandoms which are simultaneously eating my brain. i don't know if i'd actively recommend this as an experience, because i'm pretty sure it's illegal to have so many feelings at the same time, but i'm not complaining, either.

more to the point, if you've seen me yelling about this drama here or on twitter, just know that when i say this was, in a surprising twist of events, my favorite drama that came out in 2022, i'm not exaggerating. i was not prepared for the absolute emotional punch that it delivered, and i was definitely not prepared to adopt two new boys to cry over. if you've seen and loved school 2013, this is, imo, required viewing. the emotions that weak hero gave me were the exact same kind i felt while watching school 2013, and truly, namsoon and heungsoo walked so suho and sieun could run.

apart from all the other things to recommend it, i feel like it captures the fraught transitional period of adolescence so, so well, without resorting to cliche or trite messages. quite the opposite, it's absolutely unflinching in dissecting all the ways in which teenagers are failed by the systems and people supposed to protect and care for them, and how, in many cases, what's left when all of that is gone is the last resort of violence.

and this is, without a doubt, a violent drama, but while the violence thrums in its veins, it doesn't at any point feel gratuitous or titillating. it's raw and honest, while at the same time the fight choreography is really well done and, at times, pretty unusual (if you've ever wanted to see conditioning done with a pen, look no further).

this drama doesn't waste even a second of its 8-episode run. it's tightly plotted and well-paced, but at the same time it's so, so good at working with stillness and silence - with all those moments of anticipation before the violence breaks out. i don't remember the last time i felt so tense (in the best possible way) while watching television - and it just builds and builds throughout the season, making the sense of dread palpable. this is accompanied by a very good score and some really neat cinematography.

what really makes this drama, though, are the performances. the three leads are, frankly, phenomenal and the actors deserve all the praise. park jihoon is amazing as yeon sieun, an exemplary student with neglectful parents who one day snaps when his bullies go a step too far. i've enjoyed choi hyunwook in everything i've seen him in, and this one is no different, because his ahn suho is one of my favorite fictional characters of recent years. he's so good in this role, and his chemistry with park jihoon is sizzling. i'm just saying, there's a reason why google autocompletes "is weak hero class one" with "a bl", and you know what, it should have been. all of their interactions sparkle (just like sieun's enormous eyes), and their dynamic is just so much fun. the fact that suho keeps looking at sieun like he wants to lick him and keeps calling him cute and taking him on scooter rides/dates also helps. and then there's hong kyung who gives a wonderfully nuanced performance as oh beomseok and carries that energy through all the way to the end. but it doesn't end there! the supporting cast is also excellent, with such standouts as lee yeon as youngyi or shin seungho as seokdae.

honestly, i've had so much luck recently with some truly excellent dramas, but even among those, whc1 is a definitive standout. it doesn't pull its punches, and it's so effective at getting its themes across, and i need season 2 right about NOW.

now, to leave you with something more than just my words, here's a masterclass in establishing a character in ~3 minutes (or: the meet-cute/meet-violent): link

[vwritesaus]

how do you think Anna and her parents relationship will be post Christopher death? And if you think Gabriel and Cecily will have a strain on their relationship toward each other due the loss of a child

~

this is such an interesting question, and one i've been wondering about myself for quite some time. thank you for sending it in, anon!!

i think anna would still be close with her parents. we see that relationship in every exquisite thing and i don't think it would change here. if anything, i believe christopher's death would bring them even closer together. it would be a challenge for sure, making the same old jokes and expecting christopher to be there to laugh or question them with profound logic only to be faced with silence, or looking over at the place at the table where he would have once sat and finding it empty (ow). but they would overcome it together.

not to mention alexander. he's only a child when his big brother suddenly goes away, and while shadowhunters are used to death from a young age, blahblahblah, he'd still feel the loss and not understand it properly?? it would be extremely taxing for anna and gabrily, especially once alexander starts having tantrums because he just doesn't get why christopher isn't there anymore. i imagine they would come up with ways to a) handle those tantrums and b) strategies to help alexander overcome the confusion and handle the loss while still being able to remember his older brother as he grows up. i don't think anna would leave that to her parents alone, even with her and ari going to india at the end of chot. she'd be in frequent contact (in my opinion, anyway. and i reckon ari would have something to say about it too).

as for gabriel and cecily's marriage...

i base this off a couple i know irl who lost their eldest daughter to an aggressive illness that ailed her for most of her teenage and young adult life before she passed away.

there would be a strain at first and both of them would find it extremely difficult to talk about christopher with each other. they would comfort each other, yes. they will cry with each other, yes. but the way they deal with and experience grief is very different (and i touched on this a little bit in the latest chapter of my fic dear christopher). gabriel would want to talk about it, and he strikes me as the type to process his feelings through discussion. cecily normally would too, but in this situation? she completely shuts down. gabriel would be at a bit of a loss but is respectful, and cecily wants to find in herself the will to talk about it, but her mind and body say otherwise.

that said, they would talk about it with other people. gabriel would run to gideon, and cecily to sophie. given their families grew up together, it's impossible to assume that they all don't have a very close relationship with each other. their children certainly had close relationships with one another. thomas and christopher is self-explanatory. we also see how close anna and thomas are in canon (that one scene in choi where thomas sneaks out and anna catches him in the act lives rent free in my mind fr), and anna with eugenia, which would have extended to barbara too. i also believe they're close with their aunts and uncles (thomas and cecily, for instance).

not to mention the fact that gideon and sophie get it. they lost a child too.

gabriel and cecily would talk about christopher, and gideon and sophie about barbara.

also will would definitely be a huge support. cecily wouldn't need to say much to will for him to understand (even though he'd love for her to open up to him fully), and despite their differences when they were kids, he would look out for gabriel too. gabriel and will's friendship is another kettle of fish that i won't delve into here, but it would certainly play a huge role.

and i don't think the marriage will fall apart. it's definitely a changed marriage, but it wouldn't fall apart. they have alexander and anna, and a huge family support network, as i mentioned above.

losing a child has a ripple effect on a relationship, and it's those first couple of years that are the most horrible. and it's not something that will ever go away. with the irl couple, every year around their daughter's birthday and death anniversary, they leave the city. they travel the country as a means to deal with the crushing loss. i'm not saying gabriel and cecily would do that, but it's certainly something they would feel.

they'll argue. they'll cry together. they'll have sleepless nights. they'll raise alexander together. they'll keep an eye on anna together. they'll reminiscence about their son alone or with their family members. they'll spend time apart while being in the same house. they'll be glued to each other's sides. they'll shut down. they'll be silent. they'll become stronger. they'll never move on exactly, but they'll learn how to handle the loss and live with it, because christopher, though no longer with us, will not be forgotten </3

[johannestevans]

Hey! I've seen your post about pregnancy going around and I really agree with what you're saying and I wanted to thank you because I've never really heard anyone talk about pregnancy in this way before. I only just started following you so I was wondering what made you want to make that post and also do you have any more thoughts on the subject of parenthood/pregnancy etc?

this post

I have a lot of varied thoughts about topics that I post at different times - I'm a pretty fervent believer in more movements towards children's rights, especially children's rights to bodily autonomy, and to be honest, I'm ultimately a believer in abolishing schools.

I think pregnancy can be a complex topic, because many cisgender women find the concept and the process in various ways to be very gender affirming and a culmination of their journeys as women - unfortunately, this is a perspective that's baked into a lot of Christo-fascist ideology and other dangerous rightwing ideologies, and many other cis women, not to mention other people who can get pregnant, are pressured and policed for their decisions around pregnancy, whether that's to get abortions, to not get pregnant at all, their contraceptive usage, their partners, the number of children they have, their decision to give up kids for adoption, how they parent those children, etc.

Ultimately, I think pregnancy is horrifying. It's very scary to me, and in different ways I think the effects it can wreak on the body can be disgusting, horrifying, frightening, etc - some other people fantasise about pregnancy as something far more joyful and exciting; others have a more balanced view but think it's worth the horrors for the joys, or consider the horrors of never being pregnant worth the horrors of being pregnant, you know?

Much of the fictional body horror I write in various ways plays with themes that are analogous to or parallel the fears of pregnancy - belly bulging, especially inflation and oviposition, obviously mimic the most obvious physical bulging that comes with pregnancy; I play with induced lactation and the fears of being seen as a breeding vessel; I play with themes of infestation and your body being taken over by another creature or creatures, especially in ways that would be legitimised by outsiders, where their claim to your body is seen as more valid than your own; I play with feelings of the personal body being subsumed with a focus on the public or greater good.

People often focus on the birth as the most traumatic aspect of pregnancy, but for me the real fears are actually in the gestation because like...

The birthing process can last up to a few days for a really awful labour, but that's just a blip compared to 80% of a year spent pregnant, and what really freaks me out is not just the physical processes of pregnancy itself, but all the ideology, moralism, and social mores that surround pregnancy and pregnant people, the ways in which anyone pregnant is expected or might be expected to sacrifice themselves, the ways in which our society venerates birth but not life, a potential life but not an actual person, the ways in which our society will coo over the concept of a baby, but not care about that baby's autonomy, particularly as they grow into a child and an adult themselves, let alone the autonomy of that child's parent.

Three out of four of my grandparents were nurses, and my mother had an extremely difficult labour with me, plus I grew up sort of asking questions about medical stuff, and I saw shows like Call the Midwife, medical dramas, and so on - I think as I grew into a teenager, I was constantly bombarded with messaging about the normalcy and the expectation of pregnancy, and I had the difficulty many trans men have of like...

Untangling my feelings of personal dysphoria and nausea around the "feminising" aspects of pregnancy and the gendered expectations, all these being my personal relationship to my own body, to pregnancy, to ways in which my body might be considered femine or threatened with feminisation by others, especially with rape threats that involved pregnancy; and at the same time, sort of looking at pregnancy in society, the way it's treated individually and communally, the way pregnant people are treated, the way pregnancy is racialised, the way pregnancy is treated through lenses of fatness, disability, gender marginalisation, sexuality, immigration status, culture, and the big stratifications of misogyny and the subjugation of those who can give birth, especially those who are multiply marginalised.

Did I feel sick and bad about this because of the threat against my body, because of gender dysphoria, because of gender feels in general, or did I feel sick and bad because of all the injustice that comes with the topic?

And the answer even now is often "all of the above".