#I’m just really depressed and need to distract myself before the bad thoughts make me do something bad

[thetriplets3]

happier than ever

tw: depression, panic attacks, alludes to suicidal thoughts, antidepressants

female pronouns are used. if you’d like me to start writing my fics in gender neutral pronouns let me know!!

When you spend years on end in an endless dark tunnel just walking and walking towards a light that seems impossible to reach, you get used to it and slowly finding that light seems pointless. It was like a routine, everyday was the same, black and white, bleak, lifeless there was no sign of hope.

When you’re in the dark for so long you adjust to it. That’s just how things are now, dark, you learn how to work your way through this dark tunnel. It takes a long time to truly realize how bad things are and even longer to see that it doesn’t have to be that way. Seeing a therapist was the first step and arguably the hardest, having to admit out loud you’re not okay and admitting you need help.

You’ve been by my side since the 6th grade. You’ve seen me at my worst and my best (which is not much better than my worst). You know me inside out, I’d go as far to say you understand me more than I understand myself. That’s why you’re the best boyfriend. The countless nights I’d call you needing to hear your voice to distract me from the panic attack I gave myself from crying, to stop me from letting my thoughts consume me. I couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt for putting all my heavy problems on you but you made sure to drill it in my head that you’d be there for me, no matter what.

You were a light in my life. Supporting me through everything and doing your best to help me get through this. When I told you about therapy you were so proud of me, knowing how hesitant I was to have to spill all my deepest and darkest parts of me. I told you somethings but never in detail, just vague explanations. After my first day of therapy, I came home to find you waiting on the bench on my porch with my favorite flowers. I scurry over to you, engulfing you in a big hug. My red, tear stained face showing how therapy went. You pull away from the hug and cup my puffy face in your warm hands.

“These are for you. I know how hard today was for you but you did it and I’m so proud of you. I know it might feel like it’s only making things worse but when you say all these bad things aloud they’re not apart of you, they’re in the open, slowly detaching themselves freeing up space in your being for things that are good for your soul. It’ll all be worth it, I promise you love” you reassure me, placing a gentle and loving kiss on my lips.

Slowly things started improving. Things were still in black and white but I have techniques to use when things get bad. I made a list l of things to self soothe, an item for each of the senses whether it be a comfort movie, your favorite music, the sweet smell of a candle, sour candy or a warm shower, it’ll help your mind to shift to a more positive stimulus. TIPP has been really helpful to me as well. Temperature, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, and Progressive muscle relaxation.

With the suggestion from the therapist, I started antidepressants. Not having high expectations for it to do anything, it was like a light switch went off, color started returning to things so vividly, smiling become natural to me, I could finally see all the doors in that dark tunnel. I no longer feel temporary happiness it’s constant now. The smallest things I never noticed before bring a smile to my face. It’s like I’m experiencing life for a second time. I was in awe of life. I feel at peace with myself no longer feeling like I’m at war with my thoughts. I was too blinded by my thoughts that I didn’t realize how much joy there is in simply just being.

Now that life feels less doom and gloom I wanted to spend time around the people I love without feeling like they needed to keep an eye on me, fearing that I’d do something. You and your brothers had planned a trip to the mountains for a little break after being on the go for work. You had invited me know how much I love the mountains and how peaceful I feel near them. I haven’t shared much about my healing process with you, fearing that if I say it aloud it’ll disappear. I wanted to make sure this feeling was permanent.

matt’s pov:

Pulling up to your house I smiled to myself seeing you all packed and ready to leave on your porch. Wasting no time you ran towards my side of the car. I step out of the car pulling you in for a hug.

“Get in the car I’ll put your stuff in the trunk. You get passenger seat, make sure to thank Chris he’s bitter about it” I say placing a kiss on your cheek.

I love seeing you excited like this it’s been a rare thing over the past few years. Heading off to the rental I can feel the excitement and happiness radiating off of you. I don’t know what’s causing this but I love it. I love seeing you happy. I barely was able to park the car before you were jumping out the door and running up to the cabin with Chris following close behind, like 2 children on christmas morning. By the time Nick and I got everything out of the car you had explored the whole cabin, eager for me to hurry up and join you.

We spent the first night just taking it easy and staying in. Nick and Chris have made themselves comfortable in the living room watching a movie. I had gone to get drinks for us when I turn around to find you no longer in the living room.

“Where’d she go? She was here like 10 seconds ago” I asked my brothers.

“Why am I supposed to keep track of your girlfriend? I don’t know where she is but she’s like a freaking quokka all of the sudden” Nick say not looking away from the tv.

Rolling my eyes at how unhelpful he is, I start looking around the cabin. It didn’t take me long to find you curled up on the little couch on the back porch. Hearing the door shut your attention shifts from staring off into space to my presence.

“Hi sweet girl, I had a feeling you’d be out here” I say making my way over to sit next to you. “What’s on your mind?” I question, pulling into my side draping your legs over my lap.

“Nothing really I’m just happy to be here with you guys. This place makes me happy. I’d love to move here one day” you say softly.

I let out a small hum in agreement. A comforting silence falls over us.

“You don’t have to tell me anything, I just want to say you look happier, like at peace with life. I can see the sparkle in your eyes, haven’t seen that in a while I missed it. I’ve noticed how in awe you are of everything, it’s special to see you find yourself again. You’re truly glowing the way you carry yourself you just exude happiness. You walk in a room and it immediately gets brighter. It’s not just me who’s noticed, Nick called you a quokka because you’ve of how happy and energetic you are”

“A quokka? I can’t tell if he meant that as an insult but I’m taking it as a compliment. I am happier, I didn’t think it was noticeable to other people. I’m on antidepressants they’ve made a huge difference. I just finally felt like it was time I took responsibility for my own happiness and I’m just happy to be alive. You’ve helped me so much I can’t thank you enough for everything. I love you” you share.

“I love you honey and there’s no need to thank me it was you who did all the work. I’m happy you’re happy, you deserve it”

“Happier than ever” you correct me.

taglist: taglist: @antisocialties @iluvmatt @dwntwn-strnlo @fake-coolbeans @opheliaofficial07 @angelcake-222 @oneirophobic @strniolo @lollibumblebee

[weirdspaceowl]

Why I think Eddie will be back in season 5 - part 1: Master of puppets

Hi! So I spent the last 24 hours actively gaslighting myself into thinking that Eddie is going to come back in S5 because of two Metallica songs. So I thought, why must I suffer alone? Let me involve others into this madness. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

(Disclaimer: I have seen some of these thoughts expressed in other posts/videos, but never in one cohesive thing and I want to add my own chaotic thoughts to it.)

Okay. So. We all know that Master of Puppets is supposed to be about Vecna. BUT I think it’s about Vecna planning to take Eddie all along. Hear me out.

Before we get to the lyrics I need to rant about some things.

Vecna prays on trauma, fear and guilt. He’s the voice in your head that criticizes you, he is all your depressed thoughts, he is your anxiety. Like he literally symbolises that. His victims all have these problems in common. It’s how he picks them. But the people that he chooses have something else that’s just as important. They need to already have the idea in their heads that maybe giving in to Vecna is the best option they have.

Take Max. We found out in episode 9 that the truly heart-breaking reason she feels so guilty about Billy’s death is because a part of her had hoped that he would die. After he actually dies she feels so guilty about it that it starts to destroy her. In the end she’s hoping that something bad will happen to her. That last part is key I think in Vecna’s victims. That willingness to give in/ give up is exactly what he needs to take that final step and claim his victim. Another example would be Vecna telling Chrissy that her suffering will end. That´s all she wanted. An escape. And he´s offering it to her.

Okay, so now let’s look at Eddie. Why wasn’t Eddie Vecna’d? He is clearly traumatised by having to watch Chrissy die. Check. He feels enormous guilt for leaving her after she died. Check. He has a really messed up image of himself: He thinks he’s a coward for leaving Chrissy even though he tried everything to save her and he knows he couldn’t have done anything. He always dismisses his self-worth and talks down to himself. From what we hear in episode 8 he probably had a really messed up childhood and an abusive dad. CHECK. He seems like the perfect victim for Vecna. EXCEPT: Eddie seems to know a thing or two about mental problems. Like, he has had a very difficult childhood. From an abusive father and an (for whatever reason) absent mother, from being othered and villainized his entire life, from probably being bullied. Despite all of this Eddie became, well- Eddie. He turned his trauma into something positive. He became the safe space for every kid who was different or didn’t have anybody else. He knows these kids when he sees them and immediately swoops in to take them in. Eddie overcame and let his experiences make him stronger, better. He’s strong against Vecna because he understands Vecna. He’s been through it all before.

In episode 9 Eddie plays Master of Puppets to distract the demobats. This song happens to describe Vecna and how he works in detail. This to me symbolises how Eddie understands how Vecna works in a way that nobody else does. Through his knowledge of D&D and his life experience, he knows Vecna, and this knowledge gives him strength. Vecna is playing the long game however and has been slowly chipping away at Eddies greatest weakness: His lack of care for himself.

Finally we have come to the lyrics and how it ties into Vecna’s plan to claim Eddie too.

End of passion play, crumbling away I'm your source of self-destruction

After Eddie’s passion play (him giving his all playing the song) his strength will crumble away. Self-destruction is also a key word in this. Vecna needs his victims to destroy themselves first.

Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear Leading on your death’s construction

Vecna has been constructing Eddies death form the start and done so by making him feel like a coward, thus exposing Eddies weakness: his self image. This will lead to him feeling like he needs to die to proof something to himself.

Taste me you will see More is all you need Dedicated to How I'm killing you

Again, Eddie on some level needs to want to die. He needs to get addicted to/obsessed with the idea.

Come crawling faster Obey your master Your life burns faster Obey your master, master

Vecna is calling Eddie to him. Eddies life is basically destroyed already. At this moment there doesn’t seem to be a happy ending in sight for him anyway. What with the entire population of Hawkins being after him.

Master of puppets, I'm pulling your strings Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams Blinded by me, you can't see a thing Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream Master, master Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream Master, master

I’ll hear you scream. Foreshadowing to the demobats eating him alive? Possibly. Also call my name: Master. He wants Eddie to become his soldier. Also: twisting your mind and smashing your dreams. Eddies mind has definitely been twisted into thinking he’s worth very little and his dreams have been smashed as there doesn’t seem to be a place for him back home. Normally so perceptive, Vecna has blinded him and he can now only see how he’s doomed.

Where's the dreams that I've been after? (Master, master) You promised only lies (Laughter, laughter) All I hear or see is laughter (Laughter, laughter) Laughing at my cries

The disillusion in this. The loss of all hope. Also the laughing at my cries is so sad, because I see it as the people of Hawkins probably being delighted if they heard that Eddie died in indescribable pain. That’s all Eddie can see now, how people hate him.

Hell is worth all that, natural habitat Just a rhyme without a reason Never-ending maze, drift on numbered days Now your life is out of season

His suffering will never end. His life is meaningless and basically over anyway. He himself is basically useless (just a rhyme without a reason). Might as wel…

I will occupy I will help you die I will run through you Now I rule you too

And there it is. It took some time, but Vecna finally got what he wanted. He got Eddie there. As Eddie sacrifices himself to the demobats he’s basically being Vecna’d. He’s willingly allowing himself to die and he believes that it’s right.

In short: Eddie has been sentenced to death from the moment he witnessed Chrissy die. Now I’m depressed. But there is hope, because the next song is how I gaslighted myself into thinking that Vecna might have made a huge mistake in taking Eddie.

So the other song is For Whom The Bell Tolls. But this post is so long that I’ll do that in another post. Stay tuned, cuz my fingers hurt from typing this much.

[whentranslatorscry]

Chapter 4 Kakushidate Yakusuke Listening (1/3)

1

Think of the children: this exalted pretext seems to pass easily, and I think the truth of it lies somewhere around what Kyouko-san said. One could argue a decent point of view whenever they want to go against the grain, and those feelings might just be jealousy towards the pure and unblemished innocence from adults who have experienced failure. It is not to be denied, neither is it to be affirmed.

When it comes to the right to freedom of expression, things get even more complicated. It is easy for parents to say, “If you read manga too much, your grades will go down,” which is a typical example of an opinion that does not reflect reality.

Of course, reading manga all day long will not help your grades, but not because manga is bad. You can’t read manga and expect to get good grades. You have to make a commitment to study instead of reading manga.

Games and sports are the same, in that, fundamentally, anything that is not studying is a distraction from studying.

On the other hand, if you study too much, you will have no time to play. Thinking only of your grades means that you will lose your communication skills, to say nothing of the other problems you will encounter, you may even end up committing crimes.

As you must study if you are to read well, so you must read manga if you are to become a manga artist.

2

I’m not saying this to be mean, but the creator of the problematic manga "Cicerone," Fumoto-sensei, was a totally different person than I thought. I had heard that he was so depressed by this incident that he wanted to give up his pen, so I imagined him to be a delicate, sensitive, maybe even neurotic man. But in the Sakusousha meeting room, I saw him as a hundred times more capable and reliable than me, and he was well built too.

At first glance, he looked nothing less than hearty.

Having met Satoi-sensei before, I had the preconception that manga artists, being freelancers, didn’t care about their dress, but perhaps because he was meeting strangers Kyouko-san and me, Fumoto-sensei was dressed smart yet casual; his rich beard seemed not so much grown out as neatly groomed.

“Pleased to meet you. I’m Fumoto Shun, manga artist.”

The way he spoke, the tone of his voice, he really did come across as a very tough guy. But if you judge people by appearance then I, being over 190 centimeters in height, should give you the creeps.

“Pleased to meet you. I’m Okitegami Kyouko, forgetful detective." 

Kyouko-san, unlike me, showed no sign of fear as she handed out her business card with a coquettish smile and bowed her white-haired head respectfully. She then turned to Kondou-san standing next to Fumoto-sensei and introduced herself in an identical manner. 

"Pleased to meet you. I’m Okitegami Kyouko, forgetful detective. I appreciate your faith in me. I’ll do my utmost best.”

On a first formality she scored a hundred percent, aside from the fact that it was their fourth meeting. Naturally, Kondou-san was not surprised at all and he returned a flawless greeting.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Kondou Bunbou, editor-in-chief. Please make yourself at home.”

And everyone sat around the long table in the center of the meeting room.

As a guide or as an intermediary, if you think about it, my job was over when I brought the two together, so I did not need to attend this meeting. To make matters worse, as a stranger I ought to have known better than to miss my chance to leave at this point.

This is a rather sticky problem, not to say a matter of internal office politics, so looking at things from Fumoto-san’s place, he might have liked this giant man who came from nowhere to leave the room… I felt a bit guilty about it. Though with my critical fractures I was obviously involved in this incident. I couldn’t really call myself an outsider now.

Another way of looking at it is me being an indirect victim of Fumoto-sensei’s manga—which was all the more reason to tread carefully so as to not touch on any sore subjects.

As for Kondou-san, he probably just wanted Fumoto to retract his resignation—hope that my presence here won’t create unnecessary pressure on him—though it’s possible his thinking was the exact opposite and the reason he allowed me to attend is precisely to pressure Fumoto.

He’s that strategic of a man.

Otherwise, he could not have climbed to the position of chief editor so young. 

It is naturally possible that he simply enjoyed the idea of coming to work with Kyouko-san… While I was thinking over it, Torimura-san, Kondou-san’s subordinate and Fumoto-sensei’s editor, came in with tea. She put a teacup in front of everyone, and when she took her seat, Kyouko-san immediately got down to business.

“Now, with regard to Kondou-san’s commission, I would like to explain what I consider to be the malaise you feel.”

The fastest detective, as good as her word.

Still, as I had been thinking about this matter since the morning, I felt that it was about time that it was made public. But, just as I held my breath ready for the detective to reveal the answer,

“Hold on, please,”

Fumoto intercepted her—an unthinkable act in mystery novels, breaking off the detective’s speech. But he particularly probably couldn’t stand being left out of the conversation as it moved on without him.

"I don’t know what Kondou-san told you, but I… I think we're good already," he said.

“Mm? You're good already?”

Kyouko-san counter-questioned, seeming to not take offense despite her mystery-solving being cut short—a bit as though playing dumb.

She might have her considerations… like trying to avoid possible complications with him.

"It's just... It might sound like I'm throwing in the towel, but since I'm retiring anyway, there's no need for a detective to work on it," he wanted to say.

"Fumoto-sensei, this matter still…”

Kondou-san was about to offer some consolidation when Fumoto-sensei,

“I understand how unfair this is to you, Kondou-san and Torimura-san, but I think I have to take responsibility. A reader of my manga tried to commit suicide—I can’t be at peace with that. I can't just keep drawing manga as if nothing happened."

"......"

He poured out his words like a machine gun. This was not a momentary lapse of emotion, I felt a strong determination. It was something that someone like me, who lacked resolve most, naturally has no right to speak of, let alone anything to say.

But why though?

His talk of bearing responsibility even came off somewhat irresponsible, and there was a sense of relief in his voice about not being able to continue drawing manga, though it was a bitter decision to make.

"I came here today to give a face to the editorial department that looked after me… Please understand, I have come to a point with manga…”

“Fumoto-sensei!”

This time Kyouko-san interrupted him, the conversation now a battle for dominance.

Her cry had startled him, and he turned to face her.

“I had the chance to read the latest issue of ‘Very Well,’ and it was absolutely wonderful!”

She said it with a smile of pity.

“The theme running through the whole work is really wonderful. The challenge was to depict despair and the future through the medium of teenage comics, and I think it was successful. The content is, of course, excellent, but what impressed me more was the attitude of the author. Though it is written for children, it is a fiction that adults can enjoy.”

“It, it’s really… thank you.”

He seemed to be taken aback when he was suddenly praised for his work. He bowed his head in bashful acknowledgement.

Looks like the preview reading paid off…

I’m not sure if I can take Kyouko-san’s sentiments at face value—it was the same with Satoi-sensei, Kyouko-san is ultimately a detective in the service industry, so it goes with the territory that she more or less possesses the worldly wisdom of having to pay a compliment or two in public.

Without accumulating memories, she’s surprisingly worldly-wise. However, there is no point in pulling a rambling lie here, right. So her feelings about the work should really be positive.

As it turned out, because I ran to the site to search for evidence first, by the time I arrived at the publishing company, it was already very close to the time we had agreed to meet, so I didn’t have a chance to look through Fumoto-sensei’s works at all, and I was just sitting there.

But it seems Kondou-san’s assessment of Fumoto-sensei—very talented, with a bright future ahead of him—was far from exaggerated.

It is for this reason that Kondou-sensei was pulling out all the stops—even hiring a detective—hoping for Fumoto to rescind his retirement, too.

“I’ll be very sorry if I don’t see a follow-up to the manga, and the children will be disappointed, and some devastated reader will surely go jump off a building again!”

Kyouko-san said those shocking words in the same calm tone she used for her praise, and the strong malice implied in the word “children” hit me like a bolt from the blue. But it was Fumoto-sensei who was most shocked.

“How do you propose to take responsibility for that?”

"T-That is..."

The question, thrown out as if nothing had happened, was full of malice, forcing Fumoto-sensei to cast a plea for help at Kondou-san.

He seemed to want to say, "What's with this person?"

The answer was just two words: forgetful detective. A person who could get on anyone’s nerves because she forgets by the next day.

“Well, I wouldn’t say it’s a sure thing,” Kondou-san said with a bitter smile.

As he had entrusted Kyouko-san not for the first time, this kind of conflict was probably within his expectations, and he perhaps enjoyed this sort of bohemian atmosphere even more.

So this man was more tolerant than he seemed.

“It’s just that readers really won’t accept your resignation without a word! Personally I still hope that you will consider your influence.”

“I am considering my influence…”

Fumoto rallied his spirit to respond.

“I hope you’ll forgive my candor, but I never thought about it when drawing. I should have considered it earlier. It’s my fault for not considering it. I love manga, I’ve read them since I was a kid, and that’s what made me want to become a mangaka, but I really should have been more aware of the impact they have on readers. It was careless of me not to consider.”

He said it so solemnly that I could hardly argue with him. In fact, this was an unavoidable aspect of art.

“Even in baseball there’s risk of getting hit on the head by a pitch,”

Said Kyouko-san from the sidelines.

This time, completely ignoring Fumoto’s promise of reflection.

“Say you believe that 'a sound body produces a sound soul’ and take judo lessons. You may die in an accident during judo practice, or you may be late for class and get run over on your way home from tutoring. The risk of being run over is higher at night. Wherever they are, children are at risk of dying. Manga is not the only thing that has a dangerous impact.”

“…You want me to brush this off, like it’s nothing? A child of twelve jumped off a building because of my work—and you want me to act as if nothing ever happened?”

Positively enraged, Fumoto-sensei leaned aggressively across the long table, posing this question to Kyouko-san. I would have been crushed by this pressure, but it was no wonder that she was still keeping her serene face.

“Since I am not a creator, I cannot provide an apt solution to your problem. But if I were in your shoes, I would never have done nothing,”

She replied solemnly.

“I would bear this in mind and then apply the experience to my future works.”

“……”

Fumoto-sensei remained silent and still, slowly retracting himself back to his original position, stunned. Kondou-san also appeared shocked by her response, his eyes wide and mouth slightly ajar. Her statement was too bold, and even I as an outsider found it hard to agree with. Nonetheless, how much she really meant what she said was unknown.

It felt as if she deliberately introduced an extreme argument to swiftly terminate the debate. At any rate, the forgetful detective was able to keep the situation under control with this.

“So, Fumoto-sensei, don’t say you don’t want to pursue this any further. Please listen to what I have to say, listen well and try to comprehend it thoroughly. Now, Kondou-san.” She turned towards him.

"Please show me the contents of the suicide note that the girl left behind.”

3

This is suicide in the name of suicide

Dying for the one I so dearly loved

To fly off is to become an angel.

Please, do not grieve for me

And bless my completion.

Defer this death of mine

To my Cicerone

Fumoto Shun.

4

The police only allowed Kondou-san to see a photocopy of the will, and forbade him to make any further copies or take any photographs, so the above text was written from Kondou-san’s memory, and so it could not reproduce the original handwriting of the middle school girl—however, the memory of Kondou-san, not being a forgetful detective but a capable editor, can be considered reliable.

Incidentally, the handwriting of the suicide note was judged to be poor in an unbiased assessment, and the illustration said to have been attached at the end quite rough.

Well, to say that a girl's handwriting is beautiful just because she is a girl would be prejudiced—bad handwriting in children is just normal.

More problematic was the unambiguous mention of “Cicerone” and “Fumoto Shun”: there seemed to be no hope of different interpretation that could be read into it.

“The lines are practically quoted from the manga, she just copied the initial five lines verbatim,”

Said Kyouko-san mysteriously with a nod.

“Honestly, I can’t imagine what kind of character the middle school girl is just by reading this. There’s no individuality coming through.”

Perhaps thinking it inappropriate to mention the name of the jumper girl in front of Fumoto, Kyouko-san refrained as she shared her impressions. But her blatant omission of the name kind of further erased the girl’s individuality.

“That’s not important at all… What’s important is that a student imitated my manga and wanted to become an angel." 

Fumoto-sensei said in self-depreciation.

He probably still hadn’t recovered from the bombshell Kyouko-san had dropped—his voice, though faint, still held his point.

"To become… an angel…?”

“Yes, Miss Detective, everything you said makes perfect sense. As an artist, if I—but I’m not that great a person. I became a manga artist simply because I can draw and like manga—please don’t expect so much of me. I have no such noble ambition in my heart.”

I just do what I want to do, without too much thought behind it—Fumoto-sensei went on, and he was completely indifferent to the meaningful nod from the girl in front of him.  

It seemed that he was addressing not only Kyouko-san, but Kondou-san and Torimura-san as well.

“You know as well as I do that sometimes the state gets carried away and tries to intervene for censorship purposes, but there are those big names who stand up and speak out for the sake of freedom of speech, aren’t there? Comics are on a plateau, manga culture is declining… things like that. But I don’t think every mangaka has such high ideals. I only became a manga artist because I like reading and drawing manga. I don’t have the perseverance to keep drawing when people hate me and insult me. I don’t think I’m doing anything as grand as promoting culture. If I'm doing it because it's interesting, I should stop when it's no longer interesting. ...Honestly, I don't think regulation is all that bad. It's not as if the manga from the past, when expression was more free, are necessarily more interesting than today's manga. Isn't that just like what the old folks say, that the past was better?"

Hard to argue with that, coming from the mangaka himself. Personally, I felt that Fumoto-sensei was the one who was now in a plateau—even so, my objection was too superficial.

Censorship is not the devil.

That much is certain.

Prev | Next

[haialliecat]

Another Letter;

Since you won’t reply to me through text or call I guess this is what I got right now. I have this feeling you followed me through a burner account. Been having lots follow me lately but I’m almost certain one specific one is you.

I guess this is just an update, I spent time by myself in meditation and learned that I have my own bad habits and lessons to get through that aren’t relationship based but if I can work on myself and get to a better spot I know that that would help the both of us. Trying to meditate more and not get so hung up on our union. Although some days it’s easier than others some I can breeze through the day but some days it feels like I can’t breathe without you. This connection is so powerful and intense I can understand why you ran from it. I swear I feel you, hear you heck even see you around sometimes.

Although talking about the past can be really lovely at times and sharing these experiences over with each other is amazing and such a gift. I know that the connection you want to have is something more present (little ironic since you won’t talk to me) but I’ll take what I can get and if you just need someone to talk to about the sad, angry, depressing shit - I’m here.

We’ve always been a bit unconventional and why should this time be any different. You can share in your pain with me and I will be there for you. I’m happy to help you summon up any courage and strength you require to face your demons. I know the offer stands for you to me as well.

If what you need is an unconditional love friend I will be that. I’m working up the courage to tell him about us.. it just sounds so silly coming out of my mouth and he’s laughed at my ‘spiritual journey’ before actually many times it’s hard not to feel stupid. I keep replaying how it would play out in my mind and I don’t think that’s helping.. eventually I’ll just rip the bandage off probably after I’ve been drinking too much one night.

Anyways, my point being you can share these awful, over burdened, struggling, overwhelmed, trapped, negative thoughts, self imposed restriction thoughts or any and all thoughts. You’ve always tried to mask your negative side from me but I want it.

I want all of you. & if all you can give me right now is the sad angry overwhelmed and overburdened trapped in a hell of your own making type of vibe then I’ll take it. & I’ll be there for you. I’m here. As much as you allow me to be.

I’m also working on myself.

I’ve been getting your messages and I’m sorry that you feel trapped. I wonder why or what’s going on, out of consideration but also I know a part of you wants me to save you. This awakening started in me from dreams of you calling out to me, lead me to music and we talked about it. Whatever you’re in I know it isn’t what you want.

I wonder if my soul came to you in the 5D before I knew.. I still wonder if you know. I’m pretty sure you do.

Anyways this just me saying that I’m here for you and I’m gonna be working on myself as a way to distract myself from this separation. I’m still keeping my promise to you, idk you tell me not to but I want to prove to you and myself that I can do this.

- Love

[imagineanime2022]

Secret Mission

Ogai Mori (Platonic) X Fem!Reader

Word Count: 1599

Requested: Anon

Request: Part 1 Part 2

Warnings: Talk of torture, manipulation, depression

Mori watched you leave the room relief flooding his system at the thought that Dazai had really gone, he’d never have to worry about an attack from him, he was hoping that you would have left with him so that he could order your execution as well. You were still there though he had to figure out if he could trust you or not. Mori had no idea what made you so loyal to him, he thought it was Dazai but now that he was one there was nothing keeping you here and that was enough to make him suspicious. It could have been the executive that you work under, his thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door, “I’m here to pass on Koyo’s report on the rival gang.” Chuya said through the door. “Come in.” Mori called, he gestured for Chuya to continue and so he did, giving the full report of what they had found out about the gang. “Give Koyo my thanks.” “Mm, one more thing.” Chuya said and Mori nodded. “Why’d you do that to (Y/N)?” “I needed to be sure of what side she was on.” Mori answered. “Then why send her to get the information?” Chuya asked, referring to the newest mission that you had been given through him the night before. “The rival gang are stealing weapons from the government too, we need to know what they managed to get if we want to fight them properly.” Mori explained, while Chuyas could see the logic, he wasn't sure that he hadn’t done it out of spite. “She’s not doing well after Dazai leaving… She still thinks about her friend a lot, she’s not fit for work.” Chuya finally confessed. “I understand that but with a war on the horizon I can’t afford to weaken our forces.” Mori said “extra bodies are strength even if they are just bodies", Chuya opened his mouth to argue but Mori spoke first “you should be ready for promotion soon, you’ll become a new executive.” Chuya wasn’t expecting that, he was happy about it of course but he wasn’t sure that he was ready for that.

Your boss had noticed a change in you, one that concerned him, he was sure that it had to do with Oda’s death and that was why he approached you “maybe you should take some time off.” He suggested. “I don’t deserve time off, I still have to prove myself.” You mumbled as you continued to pack everything that you needed. “You still need rest, your health is important too.” Your boss reminded you. “I just want Mori to see me the way that he saw Dazai, the way that he sees Chuya, I’m happy that Chuya is happy but it’s easy to see that has his favourite.” You confessed and he looked at you maybe the base of your bad mood was something else entirely and it was only made worse by the passing of a close friend. “Have you spoken to Chuya about this?” He asked. “That’ll be the last straw, Chuya will probably break up with me.” You tried to make it sound like a joke but you weren’t sure how well you pulled it off. “Stop that, just try talking to him alright.” Your boss suggested as he left you to continue getting ready for your mission “and make sure to report to me after.”

The day that Chuya was promoted was the first time that you noticed it, Mori had been glancing over at your boss, you didn’t know what had happened, you hadn’t heard anything but you were quickly distracted as everyone started to congratulate Chuya and your mind wandered to if Oda was still there, you knew that he would have teased you about your boyfriend promotion, after the celebration ended it was time to get back to work.

Chuya was about to attend his first executives meeting Koyo had coached him on what he needed for the meeting but it was still a little nerve wracking, he walked into the meeting and sat down with everyone else “there seems to be a rival gang attacking us.” Mori informed them. “You should all be prepared for war.” “And the safety of everyone else?” Koyo asked. “There is no way to win unless we take a risk.” Mori answered, Koyo caught the look of surprise on your boss's face as he looked at Mori. “Well what about the weapons?” He finally asked. “The levels are low.” “Maybe they’ve been stolen, the warehouse isn’t the most secure place around.” Chuya suggested. “Chuya, find out what happened to the stolen weapons and stop it from happening again.” Mori ordered. “Yes boss.” Chuya said and as he accepted the order there was the sound of a gun shot, your boss jumping in front of Mori to take the bullet. “(Y/N) take him and find out where that shooter is!” Koyo ordered. “Yes ma’am.” You nodded as you headed out the doors, to the building that you assumed the shoot had come from, the meeting room was on the top floor of the building but it wasn’t the tallest building on the block a good sniper would have been able to make that shot no question asked, so all you needed to do was find the building the shot could have been made from by the time that you got out to the street, Chuya had joined you using his ability to get a good view of the roofs in the area. “She's gone.” Chuya finally said when he was back on the ground, you all headed back up to the room to make sure that everyone was okay, by now your boss was fine due to his ability to heal and no one else had been hurt in the attack. “We lost them.” “Everybody go home and rest for now, they’ll try again and next time we will kill them.” Mori promised as he dismissed you all.

Chuya left Koyo “Why did he jump in front of the boss like that?” Chuya asked. “He’s his bodyguard. His job is to protect the boss.” Koyo answered as Koyo passed him the bullet “this might help with your investigation.” Chuya took the bullet, recognising it as one of the bullets that would have been found in the armoury of the Port Mafia. “You think it was someone from the rival gang?” Chuya asked. “It’s a shame as Mori’s bodyguard if he chose to leave he'll be executed immediately.” Koyo said, Chuya looked at her with an eyebrow raised; he had no idea how that related to the question he had just asked.

From that day onward the Mafia were more on guard than they usually were, everyone was looking out for potential threat whether they were on duty or not. Chuya leaned back in the chair of his new office and picked up his phone dialling your number. “Hello?” You asked. “I need you to do me a favour.” He started and you hummed to signify that you were listening “I need you to protect the armoury. I think the rival gang is stealing from it and you are the only person that I can trust… Hey you there.” “Huh oh sorry what did you say?” You asked. “You okay?” He asked. “Just worried about some stuff but it’s nothing.” You answered, Chuya didn’t push the matter, instead he gave you the order again before confirming that you knew what you were doing and ending the call with a simple: “Talk to me if you need to.”

You hung up the phone and walked towards your boss's office, you were about to knock when you heard him talking “Fukuzawa it’s not as easy as that.” He said, you knew that name, Fukuzawa, you were sure that was the name of the boss from the Armed Detective Agency. You thought for a second before telling Mori but you didn’t even know if he was really talking to the boss of the ADA so you decided to stay quiet, you knocked on the door and walked in giving your report before heading to the armory to check on it like Chuya had asked.

By the time that you had got there, it was on fire, you and Akutagawa worked on getting the fire under control before you called Chuya to report what had happened. “It was on fire!?” Chuya asked. “Yeah I didn’t see anyone here.” You said as you looked at Akutagawa who was calling you over. “What’s going on?” “Isn’t that their symbol?” He asked. “The rival gang were the ones that set the fire, they left a calling card.” You said as you crouched to look at the burn mark on the floor. “Alright get back here, Mori will probably want a meeting after this.” He ordered.

As expected Mori did want a meeting but you couldn’t see your boss there “Chuya I want you to protect all of our buildings around the city and Koyo trade for new weapons immediately.” Mori ordered. “(Y/N) I’d like to talk to you in my office.” You followed Mori into his office and watched as he sat down. “Is there something I can help you with?” You asked. “I have a mission for you.” He said as he laced his fingers together in front of his face, you nodded and stood to attention waiting for him to continue after all you wanted him to trust you after the Dazai incident “I want you to kill your boss.”

*Part 2*

Request Here!!

[astroyongie]

Hi yongie! Sooooo idk if you’ll have time for this (if you are busy don’t worry about it) but I wanted to ask what FIRST steps to take to fix your life if it’s been unhealthy! I know it’s different for everyone but if you have any advice to start everything on the right path it would help greatly! I was so distracted by work and surface level positivity (everything’s fine, if I just keep going forward etc) that I wasn’t making any spiritual or mental progress. I was just kinda ignoring it bc I was at what I thought was an okay enough place. I didn’t fully notice how physically and mentally unhealthy I was becoming by just focusing on work and school and ignoring small issues. Then BANG one day the consequences of my choices and prioritizations hit me at once. Even though I didn’t feel it before! Now physically I feel terrible from my crappy choices build up the past year (not getting enough minerals/nutrients, not going to gym, quitting hobbies, not sleeping enough) and mentally I’m more unstable than I’ve been in years (huge depressive episodes, insomnias, distancing myself from others, anxieties & overthinking). But also at the same time I threw SOOO much money and investment into school that right now I don’t have money or time to do things like start up my hobbies, buy meds, or go back to the gym even though I’m struggling.

I just really would like advice from someone learning abt this stuff on what first steps to take to fix something like this. The consequences of build up from bad decisions. It just feels so stuck.

Ily yongie hope your doing well at school and in life! I’m sure your busy and Ik I wrote this so confusing so you don’t have to answer. If you have something/advice to add though I would appreciate it! Don’t overwhelm yourself with all the love readings I saw how many are on for January (😭)!! I wish you and your cats the very best. 💞

Hey hun, thank you for sharing all of your struggles with me. I will teach you a way that can help you and of course, this can go FOR EVERYONE THAT IS STRUGGLING to keep their life healthy and in check

The first thing I want to say is that sometimes it's okay to stay in bed, it's okay to feel sad and it's okay to take time for oneself before getting back on track. You aren't a machine, and your divine timing needs to be respected.

I will advise you to first have the mindset (which it seem you got it) like admitting to ourselves that this life isn't going good and that we want to change. That's the first step. Now secondly, I usually help patients to set goals. Minor goals, Medium Goals, and Big goals. there are some examples:

Minor goals: Goals set for a day to one week

cleaning the bedroom

read a chapter from my favorite book

go out in the sun

eat 4 meals today

do one session of pilates

Medium goals: Goals set for a week or the month

Doing 3 sessions of workouts at home

Seeing my friends/family

Challenging myself to go to the museum alone

Big goals: Goals set for a month or a year.

Have a driving license

Getting my school year

Seeing a therapist

Achieving something that would make me happy

Your goals need to be set based on your needs and what you want to achieve. To keep track of all of it, I usually suggest you keep track of schedules that you plan beforehand, with cognitive stimulation, journaling, etc.

What if there's a goal that I wasn't able to achieve? : Then it's okay. you still have plenty of days, weeks, and months, to achieve it. It's about baby steps and motivation, slow progress, don't expect to change your lifestyle in a week. It's a start as sometimes mental health, financial issues, and life events can make it challenging to keep track. In those times, breathe. Take a break, then come back stronger. Look for what didn't work, and start by changing that.

If you can instaure also a reward system for each goal that you reach. by the end of each week and/or month, give yourself a reward based to celebrate what you archived, even if it's minor. Allow yourself to have that chocolate cake, allow yourself to binge-watch your favorite show without leaving the bed, and allow yourself to buy that thing you have been wishing for.

It's not about how quickly you do things. It's about how steadily you are writing your own story and developing at your own pace.

[kuuyandere]

For the ask game thingy, Quit, Cope, Regret, Stigma, or Exposed, only if your comfy with answering! I picked a bunch so you can choose which ones you're ok with. Congrats on 100 Aidoneus (sorry if I get your name wrong)!

Thank you, Anon! And don't worry, you got my name correct. :) You must have done your research, I don't really make a habit of putting my moniker everywhere haha.

Also, I am comfortable answering all your questions: I was the one who created that ask game after all! I'm also the kind of person that finds answering nosy questions entertaining. The answers will be under the cut!

Quit: How long do you think it would take for you to “move on” from your darling if necessary? Would you be capable of moving on?

Ah, I don't know if I am capable of moving on from my darling. Seeing that it has been around six months since we broke up and my feelings haven't dissipated no matter how hard I try, it looks like it will linger for quite some time. I never felt remotely close to how I feel for her for anyone else before, so I don't have any prior experience to base it off of, timeline-wise.

Cope: How do you handle your more unhealthy intrusive thoughts or urges?

Well for starters, this blog is a good means to vent, and I also write for myself outside of that. I think distractions are the most helpful for me though, sometimes throwing myself into passion projects is enough to prevent my brain from spiraling too much. I also personally find replacing certain unhealthy urges with slightly healthier ones that achieve a similar feeling effective. To be honest, I am not very good at the coping part, and I mainly tend to bottle those thoughts and feelings in. 

Regret: Do you ever feel guilty about being a yandere or loving differently from other people?

Yes, I often wish that I didn't love this way, or love at all for that matter. I feel bad for having many of the thoughts I have and some of the actions I have taken. I want to be a healthy partner/person, but I also will likely never feel completely satisfied with just that. It’s honestly kind of painful.

Stigma: What do you think brought about this side of you (childhood, mental illness, personality traits etc)?

I do enjoy psychoanalysis! Let’s see, I suppose it’s a lot of things. My parents are not that affectionate, and for the most part, neither am I (hence my username, the “kuu” is for kuudere). I honestly thought I was ace/aro until I met my darling when I was in high school, so her being the first and only person that made me feel that way made me quite attached. I may not be naturally affectionate with others, but I quickly learned that I am very, very affectionate and “simpy” for my beloved. I think I naturally love stronger than the average person in part because it is so difficult for me to do so. 

Mental illness likely plays a large part as well, although I have never had a formal therapist to diagnose me with anything. My darling is severely depressed, so I developed a separation anxiety with her among other things from her attempts and trips to the psych ward. I am also an eldest child and naturally quite protective and nurturing, and I feel that a lot of my feelings first and foremost involve a need to protect, please, and take care of her (without anything or anyone interfering). My feelings for her are complicated, and I’m sure there are many factors that contributed to them that I am not aware of.

Exposed: Are you honest with your darling about your feelings or the true extent of them? Does anyone else know?

I have recently made my darling aware of my current romantic feelings for her (semi-unwillingly, it was a bit of a mess that I won’t get into), but she does not and will never know the true extent of how intense/obsessed/possessive/etc. I am. She does know that I have those tendencies though, and I asked for her consent to do some things like take thousands of screenshots of her on video calls while we were together. No one else in real life knows about it, but I suppose at least 100 followers on here are privy to my depravity!

[seeinginthedark]

Taking psychedelics took my spiritual awakening to a whole new level. I actually wouldn’t recommend it. It’s borderline psychotic. Luckily I know myself and I have self-awareness and have been working on my psychology for years and I’m Carl Jung fan. So I knew what was my imagination what was delusion.

You start with: rubbing shoulders with entities from fourth and fifth dimension. Who somehow “came into me” as I was filming my video rant journal channel on YouTube call them, angels, or devils, djinn. I then stopped the ranting videos and starting filming my alternate personalities the Earth Goddesses.

Lately I’m hearing a lot of spiritualists talk about calling on your spirit guides or your higher self to guide you during dangerous dark times. I never knew how to do that, and I don’t need to communicate with my higher self as I am myself. The Internet will tell you that you’re a Starseed from a different planetary system, incarnating on earth to raise earths consciousness. I think it’s a bunch of bullshit. I’m a human from earth and I love earth and I care about earth and during my psychosis, I morphed into a superhero provoking and hunting for aliens and members of the paedophile species to make them suffer for their atrocities in humanity. Especially astrocities of children . It got really bad I had to quit my job because I couldn’t concentrate on my tasks with all the thoughts of the poor suffering Children kept kept somewhere in the world. Their prayers unanswered. I heard their prayers. My ancestors protected me throughout this time. I believe in the old gods, and the deitys , but I don’t believe in putting up an altar and praying to them every day and asking for the blessings. All I need is my ancestors. I have a shrine for them. I never summoned angels. I knew what the angel numbers really were about. They aren’t angel numbers. They are a distraction for you in the simulation that they created for us to be trapped in. To get you off path to create a false destiny. So you waste your time looking at what the angel numbers mean. Remember what they say about vampires, if you want to deter them, throws and pebbles or coins on the ground because they can’t help themselves, but to stop and count them all before they continue to chase you. That’s what they’re doing to us with the angel numbers. I never summoned angels, Demons, or beings. They just surrounded me, probably my whole life, but I only became aware of it after I took DMT.

Sadly, the story ends with me in a dark depression back in the third dimension, missing my psychosis and my alternate personalities. unable to use substances to cope because the universe decided that I was going to be a mother again after 10 years. So I’m back in the matrix for now. Glued to a screen. Wondering if reincarnation really is a thing and if so do I really want to be a part of a repeated process of life instead of dwelling in the afterlife?

Oh, the joys.

[sehodreamsthoughts]

yeah :( i could probably go on for a while too about plus size clothing options and the limitations.. but i won’t cuz i don’t wanna make myself feel worse rn😓😓 but i agree with everything you said… work clothes is a whole thing too like u said.. especially if ur limited by what you’re allowed to wear at work (like where i work u can only wear black, no other colours) so and i like wearing black but.. it limits a lot of options.. i try to find cute tops but.. also can’t have anything too revealing.. only recently got a tank top to wear cuz it gets really hot and even then, even though the straps are really thick and the neckline is high, i’ve had people made negative comments about me wearing it.

it’s okay, please don’t feel pressured to share anything ur not comfortable with!! i was just curious.. but i really need to find smth and soon to go back to school for.. i thought about fashion.. but i simply don’t think i’m creative enough and i’m more into like… cute outfits than like.. walking art so idk. i thought about gender studies or like.. some type of humanities degree but it just makes me depressed to think about things sometimes. i deal with stuff enough day to day, i don’t want to focus on it anymore than i have to. so i’m not really sure. i really don’t think there’s anything i’d want to do for the rest of my life like that.. but.. maybe i’ll find something. or maybe i’ll just have to be an adult about it, pick something and settle.

i’d like to expose myself more to going and doing things by myself, i admire you for being able to do that, and you mentioned before you go to the gym too! i really want to start going to the gym.. but honestly at this point i just want to build more muscle, i like being strong and would like to be stronger. my arms have been getting more muscular and it makes me feel good about myself.

sorry.. i hope this hasn’t been too much of a vent or anything but😓😓 idk i’ve been feeling a little down since towards the end of my shift today.

i’m trying to distract myself now then, if riize were in a band.. or probably.. multiple bands… who would play what or have what position? in ur opinion??? me saying this as if they’re not technically literally.. a band. but i mean like for punk band concept🤭🤭

Don't worry baby, I vent a lot too hahaha

Oh god, and all black. I try to not wear too much black because my head is pretty... Idk, but I notice different things, and black in my opinion makes me stand out more and I can't help but feel nothing goes well if it's not the same kind of black because there are different blacks and if my socks and pants or shoes don't match I go insane 😭, and different kinds of black never match!

Still, I hope you find something pretty you like to wear, we all should be able to find clothes we feel comfortable wearing, and people making comments about your appearance are simply stupid, rudeness is one of the things I hate the most, no one will get anything positive out of bad comments. Please the next time they make negative comments remember that ignorance, at the end, is the ugliest trait anyone could have (And yeah, I understand the concept of not everyone having equal opportunities at studying, but respecting others is a value we all should follow, and making negative comments about someone's body is them being ignorant on purpose).

I'd tell you to keep taking your time, or if you have the opportunity, take a career test or try to study what you have in mind, I'm also really empathetic so I easily feel depressed when I see some stuff in reality, that's why I've stopped watching the news altogether and I also don't ever watch movies with animals because I feel easily sad with those cases. In the end, we all should do what we feel is correct in real life for us (while it doesn't involve harming others), and if you have to ignore certain things, block them or avoid them (they seem like synonyms I think but in my head I have a situation for each of them hahaha), just do it for your own wellness, you and your boundaries should always be your first priority.

It's okay to take your time, I actually wanted to study literature when I was young but my parents didn't like my choice and send me to do some psychological tests to see which career would be good for me (the career test and a few others), and at the end it was exactly their first option so I got tired and accepted, but I always dreamed of working with books, reading, writing and doing things like that, even working in a library, but oh well, here I am.

If you want to go to the gym I totally recommend you doing it, but I'll be honest, sometimes trainers and people there can be a little blunt, so you have to always keep your mind in what you want and how you feel, if they try to tell you things like "you can't eat this", "you have to run" even when you feel tired, etc, ignore them, tell them no or wait for them to go and do it following your limit. I've been training since I have memory so I know how some of them can be, there was one that made me do 45 minutes of cardio before and after training (a total of 90 minutes apart from my routines) and I would end up dying, and there was one that talked to me pretty rudely when I was on my period (I'm anemic) and couldn't follow his routine, etc. I have a lot of different experiences with people, good, bad, meh, and it's true that they'll push you to do more and that's kind of okay, but there are times in which they simply think that being skinny is the only purpose of exercising and become irrational, so you need to stay true to yourself and recognize your own limits (I've fainted and vomited too lol), only that way you will be able to create a good relationship with working out. (Well, that's my opinion)

Oh god a band concept, I know what I'm about to say probably doesn't match their current positions, but I've mentioned that Sungchan should definitely be the lead singer, he has the presence, the posture, everything! And I've also said this before (fanta grape) but I kind of see Seunghan with drums 😭

In the case of Eunseok, since he's my boy and I've always dated guitarists, I'd give him that position with a touch of vocals too 🥺, and in the case of Anton since he has played a classical instrument I'd say bassist, I don't know why but I feel like people that play this instrument give the vibes of classic music with the control and that touch of elegance I've seen them have, like they have a different ear to understand music (in my opinion) and I respect them a lot for that.

Wonbin I guess would be a guitarist too (duh) and Sohee... Wow, I don't know if there is one in a punk band, but keyboard? I think it'd fit him so well 😭, he could sing too and play it at the same time, and I see him more behind the keyboard than just singing and being the one taking all the attention on stage like I see Sungchan.

I'll be honest, I don't follow real bands or see band presentations so I'm not sure how many positions there are, I'm just guessing and trying to remember about the only band I've read about hahaha.

What do you think their positions would be?

[deyadee]

It Doesn’t Sink In Until You Actually Look in the Mirror

I feel like recently once been doing better compared to past years. I’d say I only have a complete breakdown like once a week to a month depending on how things are going. Though there’s still always a feeling at the back of my mind no matter what I’m doing air where I am that’s always scratching and clawing away at me. I have nothing to look forward to. I distract myself day to day with whatever mini arch’s going to get some comedy for the people who are still watching this late into the series, after the quality’s severely gone down and the plots are just getting reused from previous seasons. I don’t really know what kind of job I would want to do because I get bored of things so quickly, and any job I find that I do like I usually leave because I think I can do better money-wise. Though I never save up to move out. What’s the point? To speedrun my fucking depression? Because I know the second I’m completely out on my own for like a week I’ll blow my brains out. I try to pretend like I don’t need people, and I’m pretty introverted so it’s not like I always feel like I need to be around people- but that tends to make me spend what feels like weeks holed up in my room and slowly dying since there’s so little time to spend with the few people around me anymore. Parents are always working. Sisters have their own million things to do. The one friend I have I don’t have any money so I don’t want to bother if I can’t pay for anything that I would wanna do. So I wait for a time when something can happen, and I’m disappointed because everyone’s too tired and busy. I don’t blame them. For my last job I couldn’t do a lot because I was working a lot of the time. So now I dig my face in my phone and try to get through the day. I clean toys, fix my collection. I got a TikTok account and started making videos but now I’m just addicted to watching the numbers slightly go up. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten it but I fucking did with the excuse that there’s more MH videos on there or whatever. Still a fucking hypocrite as always.

But anyways- I know that once I leave my parent’s house there’s nothing for me out there. I feel bad for leeching off of them this long but I don’t have the money and I know on the little times I’ve been truly alone I’ve come seconds away from being another body bag. What is there out there? Exploration that I don’t want to do? Finding a job that ranges from hating it but gets enough money to get by or a job I like where I get paid like I work at McDonald’s? Wasting my time searching for some magical fucking unicorn of a girl to not think I’m repugnant and take me as her like fiftieth option only for us to end in loveless marriage where she’s fucking my friend because I have nothing to offer, if I CAN EVEN FIND A WOMAN? Maybe ending up in a loveless hetero marriage where I’m used as a fucking toy to some manchild before I gut myself? Having kids that I’ll want to strangle after having that little fucker destroy my body even further than I already have before they grow up to be a crack dealer before killing me and taking my last sixteen bucks? Building a collection that just gets me a small hit of dopamine for spending like $50 a day, only for some scum of the fucking earth to break in and steal it all? Care about politics for every single fucking brain-rotted 900-year-old to stroll up and pick the dumbest fucking decisions possible and send everybody back to the fucking Stone Age? Eat myself to death to get that last shred of dopamine? Care about my appearance for it to just continually get worse until I fit perfectly into everyone’s favorite little trailer trash trope? WHAT IS THERE TO FUCKING LIVE FOR?! If this is supposed to be the goddamn peak of my life both physically and emotionally and I’m sitting here staring at a screen and praying that I get 100 fucking people to sit and watch me play with dolls?

A random thought, but I rewatched Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron recently. It’s been one of my favorite movies since I was a kid but I don’t watch it often so I don’t get burnt out on it, so when I rewatched it the other day it felt like I was watching it for the first time. I was legitimately crying at the end because I love that movie so much. I pretty much never feel anything after watching a movie besides “Oh that was pretty good” or “That was bad.” This feeling I got in that moment was pure fucking bliss. I for once felt like life was worth living, like the world could be beautiful and people could make art so powerful that it actually changes you. I know, I know, it’s stupid. But my heart was soaring and I felt like humans weren’t actual hell for once. Life is precious and worth it and you can find the most brilliant amazing beautiful things in places where most people might not. I loved a lot of movies before, and I’ve always loved this movie but this time it felt like it hit me just perfectly. I’ve seen movies that made me feel a certain way, but I was full-on bawling afterwards out of joy for once. I couldn’t stop crying and smiling.

I still don’t know why I felt so happy after it.

[romanekov]

What I knew saved me, sort of. Knowledge is power. It’s true. As soon as he was gone I wanted to get high. I felt, I feel so lonely in this city. I don’t have a sense of community and I have so much social anxiety. This is the reason why I want to get high. I used to tell myself so many lies. That I was doomed, that I was borderline, depressed and worse. I used to say “Im fucked up because of my childhood”, I used to think that depression was a disease. Now I have all this awareness about what I need to stop these so called mental illnesses. My heart is full with this relationship, with my pets, where I decided to go with my professional life. So I feel so much better than before. Im less broke and less broken. But I still miss having friends. I don’t know how to exist without being useful. I guess you can’t really be lovable without being useful to some degree. But my worthiness shouldn’t be depending only on what I can contribute to. I should just be existing and be fine with it. I guess I must give anxiety to people because I don’t know what to do, or say. Everyday I have to choose to be fine. It’s definitely hard when it doesn’t come naturally to you. It’s so weird to chose to be fine instead of waking up fine. I’m so sensitive to caffeine that a little bit of macha gets me extremely happy and excited. When it wears off it’s no fun. 

When it comes to you I have the most difficult time going with the flow. I’ve been wondering for a long time now if your problem were more psychological than physiological. I would hope so, even though those are connected. But it’s not like I can make you meditate. All I can do is provide the safest place for you. I fucked up in the past and I carry all this guilt around when look at your big green eyes. You know it’s a vicious circle. It’s hard no to react to each and every crises you have. Im scared to lose you and you don’t understand that, not fully. 

Sometimes it scares me to think how sensitive I am. I wonder if I would lose my mind, how much, how much more, if something really bad happene? The more I learn about the mind and the body, the more power I realise I have and I wish I could still play the victim, let myself, my mind go. But I am so much stronger than I thought. I think that’s what surprises me the most right now. I am not the smartest, but I am smarter than I thought. And it’s hard to realise all my believes about myself are wrong. That I have this flame inside of me and that nothing would destroy me the way I thought it would. In the past I use to lay down on my couch and get high on codeine to numb the pain. And then somehow, I would get up again. It got worse, then better. Now it never gets that bad anymore. 

I have a few rules I should establish for myself :

1- Never think that what you’re feeling at night is true. I tend to stress out so much at night. My anxiety and distorted sense of reality gets the absolute best of me.

2- You too often want to make your narrative the reality. Every time you meet someone, that a change occurs, that something is even slightly off, your mind goes to the worst case scenario. And you know what ? The worst case scenario might as well happen. It’s called life. You decide if it’s gonna get the best of you.

3- Your pain comes from the fact that you don’t even analyse your negative feelings. You just complain and try to distract yourself or pretend you are fine. Well, guess what. YOU ARE NOT FINE. Not always. Everybody has bad days. That’s how it’s supposed to work. You want to get better ? Start by letting the bad feelings existing and analysing them. Bad days are normal. Normalise them.

4- You carry the burden of wanting to be there for everyone. Well, first it’s a distortion of your job. You can’t be the wise woman at all time. The saviour, the psychologist, the coach. You don’t have all the answers even though I might add you pretty much figured life out. I mean, Im not 100% sure because I haven’t been through the hardest time of my life yet, but I think by now I get a good portion of the meaning of life right. 

5- Society makes people, especially women feel like getting old sucks. We live in a patriarchal and capitalist society that makes everyone feel like they are never doing enough or never having enough. Well, enough of that bullshit. I mean when I think about how miserable I was when I was younger, going shopping every week-end, caring so much about my appearance... I still care a lot about my appearance though but that’s also my job at the moment. + I never really liked my face but there is always room for improvement.

6- You always want to control people around you and hypothetic future. It’s just absolutely fucking ridiculous how you’re giving everyone anxiety by caring too much. Don’t get me wrong, you’re allowed to love people around you with your whole heart. But again... there is a difference between loving someone and being constantly scared of losing someone. And always making sure that people know they’re loved is not having to touch them and cross their boundaries all the time. Because you’re just trying to analyse their reaction to you in order to notice any subtile change that would make think they reject you.  You’re trying to reinsure yourself, not them. Loving someone is not worrying about losing them all the time. It’s about existing side by side, interacting when necessary, detaching your identity from them. Not completely of course. Just finding a balance.

7- Find more time to get bored. Find more time away from your phone. Less time playing guitar or drawing or accomplishing anything in hope that other will like the result. It totally kills your creativity. You just annoyed because you never gonna be a freaking superstar. Why do you want to be a superstar, the best of the best at everything ? Why is life an endless competition ? Im tired of pretending winning fulfils me. I am running after an endless desire of being needed, admired instead of being loved. I’m running after dopamine and always wondering what’s next. Enough of that shit. You don’t need to be the best, you need to try your best.

8- Let go. Just fucking let go. Every single time you’re circling over and over again around a negative feeling, it’s because you don’t analyse it so you can’t let go of it. You don’t let go because you chose to look at what you can’t control. And also because you’re afraid that if you let go, it means it wasn’t meaningful. Because you’re scared of being empty deep down. It would confirm all too well what your shitty childhood made you feel like you deserved. Every freaking time you actually let go, it feels so much lighter on your shoulder. You are allowed to fall and go back on your horses, then fall again. It’s called the healing process. Better practice that on small things of the ordinary before you have to let go of something bigger. Letting go is awesome. Go with the flow. 

I always knew it was about balance. From a very young, even as fucked up as I was, I always knew I wanted balance. Not happiness. Just a sense of safety in every situation. The idea that yeah, I can handle it. That the narrative of me being sensitive didn’t mean I was fragile. I am not fragile. I experience higher, more intense feeling. It doesn’t mean I can’t go back to a safe baseline once these strong feelings made their time inside me. And just knowing that should make them less intense already.

9.... you’re safe. You made it. Life is beautiful and ugly. Happy and tragic. When I think about all the absolutely horrifying situation I used to put myself through even when I moved to Canada, all of this mess, I realise how different I am now. Because I live with myself everyday I don’t really have a clear awareness of how much I changed, but I did. People around me did to. For the worst or the better. We always change. It hurts me to see people I care about not changing in the right direction, like my sister. But I can’t really do anything about it except telling them Im there for them. That I love them. 

xx Romane to Romane

[floral-hex]

I don’t know why I’m writing this.

My hearing has kind of gone out again. By “out” I mean I am overwhelmed by tinnitus, dead air, distorted hearing. My hearing aids don’t help, they just make the muddle louder. I’m in a bad place. I feel sick. I’m having a hard time eating. I’m sleeping too much. It’s not just hearing loss, there’s a mental component to it. I feel closed off. I feel so alone. I haven’t been this depressed in awhile. I shouldn’t have stopped antidepressants and now I’m scared to start again because starting them is always the worst, and, well, to be honest, I’ve had a lot of suicidal thoughts these last few days. I can’t see myself living with this for long. I’m scared. I’m alone. Even around others, I feel alone because I can’t understand them and I hate forcing myself and my problems on them. My mother asked how my hearing was today and I broke down in front of her. She’s not my therapist, I hate putting my problems on her, but I couldn’t hold it. I’ve been so desperate for some human contact, for someone to vent to, that I just started weeping. I told her I’m scared about how I’ll live, that I’m falling apart and have been thinking about ending things. We talked for a bit and she said she’d help me make some appointments tomorrow since I can’t really hear right now. I hate this. I hate making her worry. Telling your mom you want to kill yourself… fucking sucks. I don’t know how else to put it. She said she’d take me to the hospital at any hour, if I needed it. She doesn’t deserve that pain. Im not going to do anything harmful. I haven’t reached that point. I’d never want to hurt my family like that. I couldn’t imagine leaving my little brothers. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so overwhelmed.

I wish I could move to some deaf commune like from Sound of Metal. I wish there was a place I could go where I wouldn’t have to worry about my future. Just give me a simple job, a small room, 3 meals a day, and that’s all I want. I’m so lost. I have no friends. No prospects. I miss my dad. I miss being small and having someone else in control. I miss having a partner there, just someone next to me in bed, some other warm body to hold on to when I need physical comfort. I’m sitting in the kitchen right now because I can’t be in my room right now. It feels like a tomb. I hate that it’s 2 a.m. I hate that I’ve been sleeping all day. I have no where to go and I feel alone. I cancelled my gym membership. Too much money and I didn’t have the transportation. They used to be 24 hours before covid. When I first moved back to Arkansas, I was depressed like this. I’d go to the gym at about this time of night while I was depressed. I miss that. Some place to go when my mind needed distracting. Now I have nowhere. I don’t know what to do. I’m just going to keep writing because I need this distraction. I don’t expect anyone to read this. I don’t know if I want them to. To be honest, I don’t even feel like I have friends online anymore. Mutuals keep deleting. All my old friends have moved on. I’m bad at chatting with new friends because I have nothing to talk about. I have such a nothing life. I feel ashamed when people ask about me, about my life.

You want to know about me? I’m… fuck, I don’t remember how old I am. Fuck, I’m 34. I’m 34 and unemployed. I dropped out of college. I can’t hold a job. I was excited about trying to get a job, I thought my hearing had been holding up, I was going to send out applications, I swear, but this present problem has just made me feel hopeless. I can’t make friends because I’m 34, unemployed, live with my family, and have no hobbies besides sleeping and just surviving. I’m sorry. I want to be your friend. I want people to be my friend. I don’t want to die and be forgotten. I put out albums in my 20s! I had a cooking show in high school! I had friends, I went to concerts, I’ve had so many cats. I’m going to be forgotten. My bandcamp will never get visited. I have albums worth of instrumentals I wrote in my early 20s that no one will ever hear. I’ve been thinking about writing a book for years, but I’ve never sat down to actually write. My own family won’t know about these things. I’m going to be forgotten and that feels worse than death. I need my family and friends to know how much I love them. I love them so much. They’re the only reason I don’t want to go. I want to see my brothers grow up. Im so scared. I’m scared for them and I can’t help them. I have nothing to offer them. The world is too heavy. And they’ll be off to college soon enough and I’ll never see them. They’re at that age where they go straight to their room, they don’t talk to me much. I miss watching movies with my little brother. I miss playing video games with them. Talking with them. I just want to hold them and tell them I love them. That they saved my life. That I’ll be here for them as long as I can so please, please don’t shut me out. Please just sit and watch a dumb movie with me and be with me for a little bit because I need to be with them, in that moment, while they’re young, so I can remember this. They’re going to go off to college, they’re going to go live their lives, and I’ll still be here and I know they’ll still love me but I won’t matter as much. I’m worried about my mom. She’s sick all the time. She can’t work anymore. Life is crushing down on us. I don’t want her to hurt. I don’t want her to leave us. I don’t want her to leave her teenage sons. That’s not fair. They need their mom. Their dad already ran off. I don’t want them to be alone. I don’t want them to be 20 and scared and miss their mom. I wish I could be there for them. I told her I was worried about losing her, and she said she could live another 10 years. That sounds like no time at all. 10 years, if we’re lucky. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want my brothers to lose her.

All I see is everything’s expiration date. I’m so focused on the end. I want to be here, now, but I’m so scared. I’m wasting it. It’s 2:40 in the morning and the world feels dead. I feel like I’m on a dead planet and I’m just sitting here, rotting and postponing the end. It could just end right now, tonight. I know it would be scary, but when it happens, it’s just dark and nothing. Once I passes out giving blood. It was just dizziness, nausea, and then nothing. When I came to, I was surprised how… nothing, it was. It just happened and it was nothingness. No dreams, just gone. I know it’s not the same, but it also kind of is. I’m scared. I don’t want that. I don’t want nothing. I want life. I want to be happy. Please, I need something, I need to be happy, I need a life. I need friends and I need a job and my family and I need my hearing to just fucking figure itself out. I can’t do this “one month of good hearings, one month of bad hearing, repeat.” If I can just survive a little while, I know it’s bad right now. It gets bad.

I have to be positive. I have to be. So tomorrow I’m going to make some appointments, or my mom will if I can’t hear, and I’m going to try to get on some antidepressants, even though I’m scared about how I’ll feel, and I’m going to beg for something like Xanax to help give me immediate relief for these ever increasing moments of massive anxiety and hopelessness. I’m going to try to demand ear tubes. I don’t know if they’ll work, but I’m lost. I’m desperate. Please, just do this small unnecessary surgery so I can feel like I’m doing something. I think I’m going to go back to therapy. I haven’t been in years. I wish weed was legal here, because god knows I need it, but it’s not like I could afford it if I could buy it. I need money. I need to go out. I feel so closed off. I need to go to the movies or bowling or even just back to a gym. Please please let my hearing clear up so I can get a simple job and have some kind of pay check. I shouldn’t be this old and feel this lost.

So now it’s 2:45. I’m in the kitchen. I drank some coffee because I needed the caffeine and sugar to hopefully give me a dopamine boost. I don’t know if it did. I’ve just been crying this whole time, so I don’t know. I slept all day. I need to be awake during the day, so I shouldn’t be drinking coffee, but I think soon I’m going to take some Benadryl, take a shower, and try to sleep until the sun comes up. I feel sick. I’ve been sleeping too much. I have no appetite so I’ve been forcing myself to eat, but it’s all tasteless and hard to swallow. I’ve been here before. I know it can get better. I don’t know how, I mean, everything else seems to be collapsing inward on my family right now, but… I have to believe things can get better. I feel like I’m choking right now. I feel trapped and suffocating. I’m so nauseas and sick and scared. I just want someone to walk in and say “hey, can I sit with you awhile?” I’ll keep going, but this is…

AND I can’t fucking use this app because it eats my battery and overheats my phone! What the hell.

Okay, 3 a.m. 3:05. What am I doing

I ran out of space for tags. This is too long. No one is going to read any of this. Why would you? You shouldn’t. It’s like a really long sad sad rant. Aaaaaaaa I’m losing it. I’m lonely. I’m burnt out. Half tempted to join a cult so I can just live with a group of people that control my life for me. I know that’s a shitty joke and cults are terrible, but also my brain is so bad and I feel so hopeless that when I say I’m half joking, I really do mean I’m partially serious. Sure sure, you’re God, dude, that’s cool, I’ll believe that, just give me a bed, 3 meals, and I’m in. Aaaahh ughhhh 3:15. What am I doing? How many followers will I lose for this? Why do I even have this blog? I’ve been on here for, I don’t know… I want to guess 15 years. Maybe more, maybe less. I don’t know why. It’s some connection to the outside world. No one talks to me on here. Sometimes they do. Some years they do, some years I just “exist” on here with very few interactions. It’s sad. I need real friends. I need a job so my coworkers can be friends. I need money to go out. I need self confidence and money and a job so I can join some dumb dating or friendship app, but right now… okay, I can’t go back down that road right now. Just scroll back up and reread my whining.

3:20. Distract myself. Keep writing. Distract. I can’t write forever. Okay. I need to go. I’ll be okay. I’ll try to be. If you read some of this, I’m sorry, but maybe thank you. I don’t deserve you. This world is so scary and lonely. Thank you for being here. Really. I appreciate you.

[alohadvn808]

just another sleepless night

here I am, at 1am on Christmas Eve. I have been a little bit on the depressed and sad side. so many different things happened in the last few months. I can't explain every single one of them but I think I just need to let some thoughts out. I have been battling with my thoughts and it's been hard. like I said, so many sleepless nights where I think so much and just try to ignore my thoughts and distract myself, but that hasn't been helping me so much. I know I have a few friends I can talk to with these things, but I always think I'm bothering everyone. I know, I know, that shouldn't be the case when you know you have real friends you can count on. I get it, it's just myself wanting to figure things out by myself. I have been thinking about wanting to be with someone and having a relationship but it's been hard to really know what I want and who I want. do I want to find another person I need to get to know, or do I stick to someone I already know but still need to change who I am for them. yeah, Its one of those very complicated situations. I feel like I'm being selfish by not making choice or sticking to one thing, but the thing is, as I just watched “Emily in Paris”, “not choosing, is still a choice”. Yeah, that stuck around. if I choose to be the person that I am now, will that make me happy? but I choose to be the person they want me to be, will that really make me feel better? but not choosing, is still as bad because how would I know what happens next? and I'm the kind of person that always tell everyone, “how would you know? have you tried?”. exactly, I am the person that has all these thoughts and constantly have conversations in my head. I think my brain is overloaded with thoughts that I have panic attacks. I started gaining weight again and I don't feel like the best version of myself. I don't feel as confident as before. I don't know man, life has been a little bit of rollercoaster lately and I feel like I need a break. a break from what? I don't even know. I think I'm just wanting to come up with another excuse for something. anyway, i think I need to do this again. to just let my thoughts do the talking and see where it takes me. its Christmas Eve, and I think I just to cherish and be in the moment with my family. Goodnight

[cutieyama]

Sorry I’m tumblr journaling again but just cuz I need a place to put my thoughts and I know no one checks my tumblr sooo this feels the safest. It’s annoying af tho Ik

[pineconeinatree]

witchy tips for witches with depression <3

I've been struggling with depression for some time now and I've been having a lot of issues practicing my craft since the lack of energy and motivation, so I decided to compile a list of simple routine things you can try to add to your daily life to get you back on the craft and maybe make you feel better :]

theres no instant cure to depression but there are ways to make it a little less bad, and little by little get you back on your feet !! these may not work for everyone as I am writing down things that work for me and just simple ways I use to incorporate the craft into my daily life. please please please also seek prefessional help if you're able to !! talk to friends and family, you're loved and cared for !! google depression self help tips for more tips, I know most of them may sound dumb or trivial or useless but it is so worth a shot adhering to them for some time, maybe you will notice an increase in your mood :D

1. veiling

when I go out, I wear a scarf on my head to protect my energy or keep me in a good mood, depending on the days activity. you can wear a scarf around the house or go out with it and putting one on also works for a bad hair day (read: haven't washed hair in a week) ;D

just cleanse the scarf by maybe shaking the unwanted energies out of it or with incense or with whatever you see the best and bless the scarf with your intentions for the day :D

2. cleansing

if you have a hard time taking care of your hygiene ( it's okay I promise, it can be very exhausting :/ ), try getting some baby wipes on your bedside table and when you wake up / before you go to bed, wipe your face, armpits, feet etc. with the wipe and with the intention of cleansing. it's quick and very easy and I promise that it's worth it, you'll feel a lot more fresh afterwards. you can do the same with washing in general ! if you take a shower imagine the bad thoughts and depressive energy go down the drain in a black/gray/brown stream of dark water !! you'll feel a lot more fresh and maybe a bit clear-headed even :)

3. tea magick

while getting your cup of tea / coffee, stir your days intentions into the drink or do this:

stir clockwise thrice to bring positivity, stir counterclockwise to let out negative energy in your next three sighs and then seal the spell to let the sadness repel.

I recommend black tea or white tea or chamomile tea and add some honey / sugar to sweeten the deal !!

4. shadow work

I know that one of the last things you might want to do is dwelve deep into your feelings but it really will be useful in the long run. if you feel yourself getting upset or your mood suddenly dropping, try getting to the bottom of it; what triggered the emotional reaction? take a deep breath, relax into your feelings as they are in that moment and be honest with yourself. observe them without judgment and try to find out where they came from and how to solve the conflict.

here's some prompts and questions you can try asking yourself:

how did you feel ( more accurately than just upset; were you angry, jealous, sad, lonely etc.) ?

is there something you can do right now to solve it ?

how could you handle this situation in a healthy way? eg. try to come up with healthy coping mechanisms.

how can you maybe prevent this in the future?

try the court trial thought challenging technique. if these thoughts or this situation was a court case, which side would win? imagine yourself as the defense attorney. you need to gather 100% foolproof evidence you have siding with the negative thought and then defend it against the undermining counterpart. it's kind of a pros and cons type of list but you adopt the viewpoint of an outside viewer to get a clearer and more realistic view of the situation. this thought process can help you realize that some negative thoughts aren't truthful and help you let them go. you can Google "the court trial cbt" for more on this technique :D !!

5. studying the craft

we're all individuals and we react differently to bad states of mind but what I do often is distract myself by being on my phone and I know ( I hope so, at least ) I'm not alone in this. as a witch, you're always developing and learning new things, was it about learning different kinds of ways to practice your craft or getting to know other practices or maybe reading a guide how to grow your own herbs ! point is, if you're gonna distract yourself, you could try reading ebooks or articles or even tumblr posts about things that interest you !

maybe try making a list of subjects, topics and practices that interest you and set a goal for yourself to read at least about 3 subjects on the list per day !!

6. making pinterest boards / planning

this isnt directly magick but I think it does count as practicing your craft. make mood boards for the next full moon, come up with spells, make pinterest boards about cool things that interest you or maybe start planning for the next sabbath ! just have fun with it, maybe colour coordinate your pin boards or arrange them by season !

7. go out for walks

it is so so so important to try to adhere to some routines. a big part of managing depression is taking care that you get enough sleep, eat enough and do fulfilling, nice and healthy things. go outside and try to look for rocks or crystals from the nature ? or try foraging ! or maybe go for a walk during sunset/sunrise and admire the beautiful sky and clouds ! ANY reason to peep your nose out of the house is a good reason. maybe go meditate to the nearest park ? or try yoga !!

8. interests and passions and things you loved to do

I know that it might be hard to find joy in the things that you used to like doing but you should try to do at least one thing that you used to love doing for 10 minutes every day ! incorporate a little witchcraft into it too if you want to !

draw or paint a sigil and maybe colour it

sing your favourite song with intent that matches the lyrics

try freestyling with any instrument you play and let your intuition guide you with the chords and notes that come out ! you can try also making small melodies that correspond to different intents and use them for cleasing or happiness or protection !!

bake or cook something you've always wanted to try ! look up the ingredients' correspondences and cook with desired intents !

please know that you're not alone !! my dms are always open if you want tips or just someone to talk to, too :) you don't need to do all of these but maybe try taking some inspo and adjust it to your life and surroundings and daily life and come up with ways of your own, it's your craft after all !!

[reputationmunson]

Right Where You Left Me

Summary: During a rough patch in their relationship, reader gives Spencer one last chance to make things right

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Category: Angst w/ a (somewhat) hopeful ending

Content Warning(s): Breakup, swearing, mention of food, mention of alcohol, allusion to depression (Please let me know if I missed anything)

Word Count: 1.3k

A/N: Hi, everyone! This is my first fic and I hope you enjoy it! I wrote this in about an hour after listening to “Right Where You Left Me” by Taylor Swift, so it’s not the best and a bit rushed but I’m excited about it! 

I sit in the dimly lit restaurant, patiently waiting for him to show up and prove me wrong. Prove to me he still wanted me as much as he did when we first met. Ten minutes turned into twenty minutes and before I knew it, an hour had passed. I was still alone looking at the empty seat across from me, imagining he was sitting there looking at me with that doe-eyed look and a smile upon his face. I found myself slightly smiling at the fantasy before I was interrupted by the waitress.

 “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but if you don’t order something we’re going to have to ask you to leave. Are you still waiting on someone?” I gave a small chuckle before replying “Uh- no, I’m sorry. I’ll take the check to pay for the wine.” “Don’t worry, it’s taken care of.” She gives me a pity smile. 

He left me. He actually left me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, though, things had been different for almost a year. We were less intimate, he was sleeping on the couch or at the office, and whenever he looked at me he no longer had that sparkle in his eye that always reassured that he would love me forever.I never would have guessed our forever would be this short lived. I shamefully walk out of the restaurant and I’m so embarrassed that all these people witnessed me getting stood up by a man I never thought could make me feel this way. 

How am I supposed to go back to our shared home? Would he be there? Maybe he got off work too late and is waiting to surprise me with flowers? My anticipation was too much to handle and I press the gas pedal with a bit more pressure, hanging on to the last string of hope I had. Unfortunately, my instincts were a bit off as I walk into what was once our happy home that was always filled with love and laughter that I never thought would end and now there was just an empty feeling. 

It’s colder than usual and without him, it already no longer felt like home. Spencer is, was, my home. I need to be in his arms. He was the only one that could put me together and he’s the one that is fucking breaking me. I don’t remember who I was before him besides a girl who had never been loved the way he loved me. The love you read about wasn’t something I believed in until I met him and now I’m right back to square one. 

I walk back to our bedroom to change into something more comfortable, but I stop when I see a piece of paper folded on the bed. I feel the tears forming before I even open it up. This was the last thing he touched and the last piece I have of him. It feels so delicate in my hand like it’s made of glass. I dread reading this. Our story is ending with a single piece of paper that lies in my hand. I take a deep breath and work up the courage to read the inevitable. 

Y/N, I’m a coward. I couldn’t even face you tonight to give you the proper closure you deserve. You deserve someone who is able to give you that, and so much more. While I was packing, I noticed your red dress was off the hanger and I’m assuming that’s what you wore tonight. That was always my favorite dress on you. I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry. I need you to know that I never have stopped, and probably never will stop, loving you. Sadly, love isn’t enough sometimes and I wish it really fucking was. Don’t think for a single second any of this is your fault. I could go on and on about how you deserve more than me, but I know you and you would fight me on that statement until you were blue in the face. I could write forever, but I should get going. I left you that cardigan of mine you like so much, the one I wrapped around you our first date. I don’t expect your forgiveness, but please never forget me. -Yours, Spencer. 

-------------------------------------------------

I still think about it everyday. I think about him everyday. Five years later it still hasn’t escaped my mind. But, on the bright side, I only think about it for about half of the day instead of letting it consume my entirety. I felt pathetic. Everyone in my life was married, having kids, or getting promoted and here I was still holding onto this false dream that he would come back to me. I pretended that I moved on. I even lied about going on dates. What was the point? I already had the greatest love I could ask for. I would rather be alone right now than try to recreate what I had with Spencer with some stranger. 

I distract myself with the music on the radio, considering thinking of Spencer while driving was about as dangerous as driving while intoxicated. Moments later, I’m pulling into the grocery store. Maybe I’ll meet someone new here. The love of my life could be right under my nose, but I wouldn’t even know because I’m stuck in a delusion. 

I stroll the the cereal isle and laugh quietly at myself, realizing that the most exciting thing this week was trying a new flavor of cheerios. “This works” I whisper to myself as I throw the box in my cart and make my way down the isle. 

“Y/N?” I stop in my tracks. I know that voice. It’s the voice that never leaves my thoughts. I can’t turn around. Is he actually here? He can’t be. What are the odds of this happening? I bet he would actually know the statistics on that. I put on a fake smile and turn around. “Spencer! It’s been what? Five years? How are you?” I think I might be overdoing the friendliness. “Yeah five years, two months, and eight days.” He nervously laughs. “Still have that big brain, I see. And who’s this?” I was so distracted by his presence I didn’t even notice the literal child sitting in the shopping cart. 

“This is my son, Oliver, like the Charlemagne Knight from the twelfth century poem, Chanson de Roland. He’s turning two next month.” He smiles at his son in awe. “It’s my weekend with him. My ex and I are trying the whole shared parenting thing. It’s hard to be away from him” He continues. “I’m sorry to hear about your separation. I hope the note you left her was different from mine” I cringe as the words leave my mouth. “Sorry. Bad joke.” I add, causing us to laugh through the tension. “Ouch. I -uh- guess I deserve that” He looks down and shakes his head. “I should get going. It was nice to see you, Spence. I’m glad you’ve found happiness.” 

“Maybe we could grab coffee and truly catch up.I still have your number, unless you’ve changed it.” I shake my head in response to his last statement. “Um, yeah, that would be nice. Just don’t ask for your cardigan back” I joke and immediately regret letting him know I’ve held onto it all these years. “Of course not. You always looked better in my clothes than I did.” “Goodbye, Spencer.” It’s the last thing I say. I turn around and try my hardest to keep my composure. 

“Y/N, wait.” I turn back and meet his eyes once again. I can’t tell if I’m imagining it or if the sparkle in his eyes is back. “What about you? Are you happy?” There is a sincerity in his voice. “Yeah. I am.” I lie, hoping it was convincing enough for him to not question it and we went our separate ways after sharing a final smile.

My mind is having a thousand thoughts a minute. Spencer had a baby. Not only did Spencer have baby, he had another relationship. I didn’t expect him to wait around like I was, but I really didn’t expect to get hit with all this at once. All the things I wanted, needed, with him had already happened with someone else. He had moved on with his life and I was still right where he left me.