#I’m just saying most vampires need therapy

[emeraldcreeper]

I’m again thinking about like a rebellious emotional vampire who goes fine I’ll deal with needing to get negative emotions my way, and is just a fantastic therapist with absurd and super flexible hours for vampires to use without having to go oh fuck I have to explain why I’m going to therapy only at night and he whole vampirism thing

like it’d only happen in canon to help nandor out of his perrenial depression funk, like if it comes up ever, it would be very fun and I would once again point like the Leonardo DiCaprio meme and say look! It’s psychology! Occurring! I study that!

[lilytii]

My thoughts on Ascended vs. Non Ascended Astarion

HEAVY Spoiler Warnings ahead. If you've not completed the game, or if you do not want spoilers, do not read on!

Honestly, I was never planning on making a post like this, and generally I thought most people understood the differences between them. However, I’m seeing a bunch of people twist what both of these mean and are adamantly standing with these twisted meanings, which I feel does them both an injustice. This argument is addressing the romance with Astarion. If you’re just his ally/friend/colleague, most of this won’t matter much.

First and foremost, let me say this: If you like either of these endings, that’s great! I think they’re both tragic in their own right and indeed well written. I do not think anyone should be judged because of what they enjoy, from a fictitious game. I do not think that those who like Ascended need therapy, nor should they be shamed or judged in current relationships. I also do not believe that those who like non ascended route are weak hearted people who cannot handle a hot, evil romance. These are all personal preferences and you shouldn’t feel ashamed.

That being said, I think there are people who are misunderstanding, or refusing to accept what some of these endings mean for the character. I’m going to break things down, piece by piece and come to you with my conclusion. For this I’ll use a few different abbreviations to make things easier.

A.Astarion - Ascended Astarion

S.Astarion - Spawn Astarion

U/A- Unascended

Hopefully this will make things easier to understand and follow. Alright, let’s get into it, and apologies if this is long, this took me days to write and look over all the information I could culminate. I’ve seen many of the same points brought up over and over again, and some who argue various versions of the same argument. Instead of writing long winded responses to one response, I figure I’d write out all of my thoughts in one post and be done with it. There may be points that I miss, forget to address, and I apologize, there’s a lot of ground to cover.

First, let’s go over a few things about What we know about BG3 vampires, the Ascension ritual, and what all of this means.

I think it’s common that everyone knows BG3 is set in Faerun, which is a world setting for the game D&D. The game is running off 5E rules and guidelines, though there are many things that are changed to better suit a video game setting rather than table top. (i.e. short rests are instant, long rests are the only way time and events progress, etc.) That being said, 5e has a set of rules that exist more as guidelines. At the end of the day, everything is up to DM discretion. If the book says “ X works in X way” and the DM says “I don’t like that ruling, so I’m going to change it to work differently for my campaign,” that’s valid as long as everyone agrees and it remains consistent throughout.

That’s the beauty of this game, is everyone runs it a little differently, with their own set of understanding and rules. BG3 works the same, and as the player, you accept and acknowledge that and play to how it is. 

The Vampires seem to be mostly following the lore and rule sets, but there are a few differences here and there. Mostly, the moment you turn into a spawn/vampire, you’re inherently evil. That’s it, end of story, alignment changed. It doesn’t seem to be the case in BG3 though, as you can see some of those who were spawns and recently changed, don’t seem to be fully evil. Astarion tells us of his past and it seemed he wasn’t entirely subscribed to the sudden alignment change. (Not to say that he doesn’t have evil tendencies, he’s very morally gray.) Even Cazador and the notes you find, in his earliest moments as a spawn, seemed to hold an ounce of who he was before he became a full fledged vampire. It seems that from what we see, the corruption is a slow burn, but inevitable, and Vampire spawns seem to have their souls. How do we know they have souls?

Astarion says that he might as well sell ‘what’s left of his soul’ to a devil, than to let Cazador have him again. The Ascension doesn’t just sacrifice these 7000 bodies, they don’t seem to be just ‘animated dead’, oddly enough they have souls that when they’re sacrificed, those souls go to hell to the demon that made the pact. Mephistopheles.

Raphael tells us all about it, and states it’s a rather grim tale, even for his tastes. This ritual is so foul, so diabolical, it has never been performed. The right of profane Ascension .Astarion’s soul, would be sacrificed.  I Think, damning 7000 souls to hell in exchange for power, there’s no coming back from that. I mean, hell, Bhaal himself must be impressed, probably salivating at the amount of death and carnage in one go.

The Ascension gives Astarion a taste of power, he gets some boosts in combat, but the taint on him is already done. He was a pretty gray character before, now? Not so much. That ritual changes him deeply, and it is evident in how he presents himself and how he behaves. He is truly lost, and not a shadow of himself remains.

“He wants this, and he Approves when you let him ascend.”

Ah, Approval, the way to win the man’s heart! Yes, he approves in both scenarios, and he thanks you in both as well, however, context is Everything here.

Astarion, in that moment, is enticed by power and by the promise of safety. He acknowledges he was blinded by it, just as Cazador was. If you are romancing him, you must succeed a persuasion check that’s relatively low depending on your rating with him, and if he’s romanced.

A lot of people dismiss this and say the fact we have to talk him out of it, shows he did not want to stay a spawn and wanted to Ascend. He admits that he was blinded by his want in the moment. He may have wanted to ascend in that moment, because it promised him a life in which the world would bow to him. After all he’s been through, it’s not crazy to say that sure, he was blinded by the promise of now, not thinking of the consequences. How many times have you made an impulse decision because you wanted something now, because all you could see was the promise of a good time, without thinking of any repercussions? It’s human.

He goes on to say:

 “But you saw something else in me- Someone else I could be. Someone who could break the cycle of power and terror that started centuries ago. You saved me back there. I may not have appreciated it at the time, but I do now. Thank you.”

I want to point out his body language. When Astarion is being serious, when he’s lowering the walls and the barriers to who he is, his movements are small. He smiles, his eyes soften, and he makes eye contact. When he says “but I do now,” he nods, affirming that he truly understands and appreciates what you did, stopping him from ascending. And then he gives a humble bow of his head saying ‘Thank you’.

“But Astarion thanks you on both occasions for giving him everything.”

As it was stated above, context is key. Yes, When he is turning you into a vampire spawn, A. Astarion does say “You’ve given me everything I ever wanted. Thank you.” I can see the case people would make to say this is what he wanted, and so he is sincerely thankful that we gave it to him. In either case, he’s happy.

I can understand the logic, but allow me to put it into a different perspective, if I may.

A drug addict is going through withdrawl and you have the drug they want. They crave it, they’re only focused on that drug and need the high to get through another day. They don’t address their addiction, they just need to score, so plead for you to give it to them. You cave in, give them their drug and they take it. They tell you “Thank you, this is what I wanted.” Is it sincere? Sure, they are really thankful for it, but did you help them? Was this really what was good for them?

Instead, when they beg you for the drug, you tell them ‘No, this is not the life you would be proud of and I want you to be proud of yourself.” Instead, you take them to rehab, they get clean and stay sober. They’re on the path to turning their lives around and say “You know what, I didn’t appreciate it at the time, but, you helped me. You saved me from going down a horrible path. Thank you.”

That thanks, is also sincere, but the outcomes are vastly different.

A.Astarion thanks you for giving him what he wants. S.Astarion thanks you for giving him what he needs.

 Even in his graveyard scene, he says he’s not giving up, just “Reassessing what I want. What I really want.” And when you ask him later, at the graveyard what he wants, he says “you. I want you”  I emphasize ‘really’ here because he does. This is Astarion being honest and telling you what he really wants.

He does not NEED power over others, he does not NEED to ascend, he needs to believe in himself, to choose a life he can be proud of, to do what he wants without being a slave to all the power that stood before him. 

This is evident if you say “You saved yourself, I just gave you a push.” 

And he responds with:

 “You did more than that. You believed in me- believed I was enough just the way I am. When I look at my future, anything and everything feels possible now. And I get to share it with you, as a partner. An equal. You saved me from myself and let me walk a new path where I can be free. TRULY, HONESTLY, FREE. This is a gift, you know. Thank you. I won’t forget it.”

There’s so much that this speaks to, and it’s so self explanatory, but so many people overlook that to say:

“S.Astarion is weak and is still unable to walk in the sunlight. At least Ascending him he’s free.”

I’ll agree and say his ending with him running away from the sun is tragic and painful, but I think that was the point. It’s gut wrenching. The worst part is honestly, most of the companion dialogue who treat him like ‘Oh well, fuck him I guess.” That, I think we can all be on board saying he did not deserve that. Turning away from power, helping you save the world, and all the companions say is like “welp, it was nice knowing you.” That was dirty.

It feels like so many people think giving up one's soul to walk in the sun is the best decision ever and so worth it. The point of his story feels like “Power, but at what cost?” Sure, he can have all these added benefits, if he just gives away his soul, does the most horrific, dastardly thing possible, and completes the ritual. He no longer is himself, and becomes a slave to power. Power will always be something he chases, so that he will never be used again. You basically tell him he’s weak the way he is and to steal the power he is owed. 

Meanwhile in the U/A route, you tell him that he would not be proud of this life, that you want him to live a life he would be truly proud of. And he says “You’re right, I can be better than him.” But he is NOT above enjoying being the one to deal his death. We don’t even STOP him from Killing Cazador, we know he is owed that, he deserves that. 

S.Astarion says he is free to walk a new path, whatever that path is. In his graveyard scene, he says he’s been dead in the ground long enough, it’s time to start living again. S.Astarion’s story is about finding his autonomy, finding his inner strength, accepting himself and making a new path for himself. Whatever this world has to offer, he’s going to take it and have fun.

When you Ascend him, and tell him that you miss the man he was, he seems actually taken back and says:

 “What do you mean, I was pathetic back then, why would you say that?” 

He sounds hurt. He sounds like maybe the tiniest bit, he regrets losing that man, like he can’t understand why someone would love who he was before he ascended.

He hasn’t gotten the affirmation that he’s enough, in fact, he’s more affirmed that he was weak, pathetic, and that power is what will make him strong. He is perfect now because he’s powerful. That’s such a tragic way of looking at him. By choosing this, he doesn’t accept how strong and capable he is as a spawn, he doesn’t heal and regain control of his life, he’s seen as lesser, as someone who needs an outside power to be strong. Love, belief in himself, it wasn’t enough to save him.

“There is no Equality in S.Astarion xTav/Durge. You have the upper hand, he does not. You will die of old age, he will not. That’s not a good romance at all.”

This complaint is one I see a lot, a LOT on people’s videos, blogs, reddit, etc. Just because he is back to being a spawn and does not have insane vampiric powers gifted by an evil, hellish ritual, does not make you his superior. It’s the way you two treat each other, the way you two view each other, that is what makes you an equal. 

If you look at how A.Astarion talks to you, he talks down to you, looking down his nose, he believes you are beneath him. If he makes you a spawn, you are kept nicely under his thumb. 

If you keep him as a spawn, he does not look at you as if you are his ruler, his master, you are his equal, his lover, his companion. He doesn’t look down at you, but eye to eye. Just because one has different abilities and strength does not mean inequality. Just because one has a longer/shorter life span, does not mean inequality. Look at Shadowheart’s parents, one is an elf, the other, human. Does that negate their love because of their lifespan? Are they doomed and have a terrible love story?

I’m sorry, but this argument doesn’t hold water to me. 

A.Astarion fans love that they can choose to live with him in eternity, as his slave. So many people believe that is better than S. Astarion living his days freely with someone he loves, truly loves, as long as he can. I’ve seen people headcanon their Tav/Durge find a means to either cure Astarion of his Vampirism, or find ways to extend their lives. In one of my D&D games, we had collars that kept us from aging and dying prematurely. Granted, we had to agree to give up spell slots every year or so to a powerful mage so he can create magic items, but it pretty much allowed us to live forever. If Gale can ascend to godhood, I’m sure you can find a way to fix these small power issues.

“A.Astarion is the real Astarion, he goes back to his Act 1 self.”

I’ve seen this argument made to why people like A.Astarion, because they love the man he was in Act 1, and feels like this is who he is. There’s so many talking points here, so much to break down, and many arguments made to ‘affirm’ that this is the real Astarion, and this is where he is most himself. I’m going to break this down as best I can and do my best to be clear and easy to follow. There’s so much to go over and I don’t want to sound like I’m all over the place.

I gotta admit, I half agree with this. He does go back to his Act 1 self, but that's not the ‘true’ Astarion. Act 1. Astarion is the man who manipulated your feelings, who was playing an act. It isn’t until Act 2 that Astarion starts to come to terms with himself and becomes honest with you. Yes, he fell in love with you sometime between those moments, but after you ascend him, you can see that he goes back to those theatrics.  All of the progress he made, all of the growth he made, when he ascends, that’s it, it just hard stops and reverses back to the start. He regresses so hard that he loses himself and becomes a shadow of the man he was, an echo of that man who manipulated his way to get what he wants.

Astarion admits in several ways in different dialogue options that the Ascension would have changed him, it would have made him lose himself, it would have made him different.

Tav: “The ritual would have changed you, I’m glad you resisted it.

S. Astarion: So am I. Fun as all that power would have been…this feels more me.

Tav: “Do you regret turning down all that power?”

S.Astarion: “Perhaps. It would have been terrible fun. But then again, I could feel something slipping away. I came so close to losing myself-to losing everything I’d learned since meeting you.”

He speaks so much about his growth, about his development thus far and if he ascended, he’d lose it all. This speaks volumes to his character and to how he holds himself now. We see Astarion start to believe in himself, knowing his worth, and his U/A route shows that he’s starting to understand that he can do the right thing.

“Astarion says he’s not happy.”

S.Astarion “I am- well, not happy. But this feels right.”

(Graveyard scene,)

Tav: “regretting your choice?”

S.Astarion: “No, I made the right choice. Although I do regret the options I had.”

Tav: “You did the right thing, stopping the Black mass.”

S.Astarion: “I know, that doesn’t mean it stings any less”

 Tav: (when referring to never seeing the sun as the price of freedom) “Do you think you can live with that?”

S.Astarion: “I’ll have to, doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

All the arguments I’ve seen for those who prefer A.Astarion use this to say he’s not happy, that he admits that he would have had more fun if he had power, and that’s what he wanted. He’s lamenting his lack of power and the fact that he’ll belong to the shadows, for sure, but he knows and understands that the decision he made was for the best. This is honestly such a relatable, and real emotion and thought. How many times do we as flawed humans know that doing the right thing, whether it’s for our own benefit or someone else’s, isn’t always the ‘fun’ option. He’s been on a quest for power, saw an ideal in his head, and now understands that going that route wasn’t the best for him, no matter how much fun it might have been in theory.

Astarion knew he made the best choice for him, the best choice to regain control, to be himself, his true self. His options were ‘sell your soul, lose yourself to have power and walk in the sun,  or keep your soul, remain true to yourself and better your life, but be reserved to the life of a spawn, living in the shadows and with hunger.” There was no good options, but there was a good choice.  

I want you to think about who Astarion is, what he’s been telling us this whole time.In the love test, we can choose silly, fun answers to gain his approval and keep things lighthearted, but the real answers exist, and he doesn’t exactly enjoy them being shared.

Astarion is afraid of being someone’s slave, he’s afraid of being helpless and not being able to keep his freedom. This whole time, 200 years he’s been shown that there’s no heroes, gods do not care for anyone, and the strong are the only ones who survive in this world. He’s afraid, he’s terrified but puts on this air of assertion. He stands behind those who are stronger than him and rides their coat tails till he can snatch power for himself. He’s not above backstabbing and manipulation if it gets him what he wants.

Astarion plays with power, as long as it doesn’t threaten to change him. He’s fine with abusing the tadpoles powers, but the moment he realizes that greater power can be unlocked by becoming a half illithid, he wants nothing to do with it. You can peer into his mind and use his fear against him to force him to do this, but thats manipulative in it’s own right. You don’t respect him or his want at that point, all in the name and sake of power.

Astarion’s first line to us is his disgust at the thought of being turned into a mindflayer. He laughs bitterly and says “Of course it would turn me into a monster…what else did I expect?” Power is good if it offers safety and protection, but not at the risk of his own skin. This is said so much throughout and is emphasized by him saying, he knows finishing the right would have ruined him, who he was, and everything he’s learned up to this point.

However, if throughout this game, you show him that there’s strength in one’s self, that there’s power to be had deep within, he starts to understand that and starts to see that he can be the break in the chain. He can be the difference he needs, alongside you.

This power hungry Astarion is the result of 200 years of abuse and suffering. Astarion starts to understand that there’s consequences to one’s actions, he starts to take responsibility for those actions and understands the difference between running away from it, and meeting them head on.

I’d say that’s a strength in it’s own. He’s finding himself and tackling the hardest things in his life that he turned a blind eye to. A.Astarion does not get that. He doesn’t care about anyone, anything, consequences be damned.

“Tav gaslights Astarion to change himself. Tav ‘knows what’s better’ and choosing not to ascend him not only makes him weak, but shows you don’t think he’s strong enough.” Tav forces Astarion to change.

This is paraphrased from a comment from a prominent A.Astarion fan. The entire comment was such a hot take, that they said, and I quote: Cazador did not inspire him that sex is power. Cazador didn't need sex to control people, he had other power. 

I don’t know if they understand what Astartion was trying to say when he said that Cazador made Astarion use his body to lure things for him. That Cazador had full control over him and made him perform acts of sex against Astarion’s will, otherwise he’d get TORTURED. I could go ON about how disgusting the take is, but I won’t get into that. I’ll address their point and continue.

I believe I’m one of many who don’t like the option of “You don’t need to worry, I’ll protect you.” And Astarion’s own answer of “thanks, that’s sweet, but I don’t want to have to always rely on you.” (or something to that nature.) I refuse to choose it, I understand the sentiment, but that option didn’t feel good. 

Still, despite that line, Astarion doesn’t get the all power he wanted, but that doesn’t make him weak. Tav shows that Astarion is weak in the ways of inner strength, the strength to take off his chains and be himself! He has the strength to choose his own destiny and take it by the hands. So many people look at ‘physical’ strength and weigh that higher over inner strength. Astarion in game, is not a weak fighter. I can tell you, rogues are fucking CRAZY strong! In many of my battles, he’d be the last one standing and has to sometimes be the one to save others. 

Believing that there’s more to Astarion than power, revenge, and sex is NOT gaslighting him at all! Gaslighting someone is forcing another to believe that they’re wrong, despite the fact that they aren’t. It’s projecting onto them your wants and making them feel terrible for not seeing things your way.  

You can gaslight Astarion, want to know how? By forcing him to have sex with you despite him saying it’s uncomfortable for him. By saying “You should enjoy it, and enjoy it with me.” And do you know what happens when you choose that? He ends things, and stands up for himself!

We aren’t manipulating him, changing him, forcing him to be someone he isn’t. He admits to it many times over after  that we believed in him, we saved him and pulled him away from a path that would ruin him. To say that’s changing him, to say it’s gaslighting is absolutely bonkers! In fact, telling him to ascend is affirming that power is better than anything, even if it costs your soul. I don’t know why people refuse to believe that S.Astarion IS the REAL Astarion. And while he isn’t all powerful, he’s fully free to live his life the way he wants to, and intends on it.

“A.Astarion still loves us. Sure it’s not the ‘kind’ love you get with S.Astarion, but it is love and he does care for us. It’s perfect for an evil route”

This is the most common argument for what I’ve seen people saying they like A.Astarion. It’s a different kind of romance, a different kind of love that still has caring, but it isn’t ‘nice’. There’s so many different takes on this that usually accumulate to “He does care, he does love us! It’s a crazy toxic love, but it is still love.”

I get it, I totally understand why so many people are drawn to A.Astarion. The sex scene is spicy, he calls you pet names, and says “You’re mine” and things like “I’ll protect you” “Lovers forever”. At it’s core, it sounds like a crazy, possessive romance perfect for an evil Tav/Durge, especially a Bahhl accepting Durge. I can see the appeal, and really, for an evil character, ruling the world with the lord of vampires sounds amazing! Hell, even for a morally ambiguous or amoral character, this would be fun!

I know there are people who appreciate it for what it is, people who understand that they are A.Astarion’s favorite thing, they are his obedient pet who does his will. Some in their Durge games understand they are using each other, and it’s not a romantic relationship, but that of an evil companionship. “We are awful for each other and do awful things for each other!”

That being said, many people seem to be under the impression that A.Astarion truly cares about you, that he loves you.

“It’s a possessive love, but even then, that’s just a form of love.”

Look, I’ll be honest and be the first to say that a person, especially a hot vampire who calls me “MINE” with such virility, would instantly make me weak in the knees. I love me a strong lover who is a bit selfish in wanting me, there’s nothing wrong with that. I mean, who doesn’t want to feel coveted like that? (Ok, I know there are people out there who aren’t cool with that, I’m just saying for those of us who are thirsty! lol)

Still, I can’t say that this context is of that capacity. You’re his object, his favorite and obedient spawn, slave. He pretties it up and calls you consort, which makes you think some form of equal footing, that of a spouse. (Understandably, not all marriages have spouses who view their spouse as an ‘equal’. This is very much like that.) If you’re his spawn, you are surely his slave.

“He calls us Pet, my treasure, consort, lover. He stands up for us against Araj, he does indeed care for us.”

Pet names are cute, and he has used ‘pet’ for us before he ascended. The way he says “Yes my treasure?” Is very baby sweet talk, he even does the elaborate swinging of his shoulders. I don’t think Astarion’s descent to madness is immediate. I think there are still parts of him that is haunted by his trauma, but instead of being able to deal with it, he does the same things he’s always done. He disassociates, he falls back to bad patterns. 

When meeting Araj again, both S. Astarion and A. Astarion have similar dialogues between each other, but also, there are some interesting differences as well. A. Astarion makes a note of ‘Who belongs to who this time’ referring back when she thought Astarion was your subordinate, your ‘obstinate charge’ and you could stick up for him and say he is his own person. Now, he means to correct that and explain that you belong to him, not in a romantic way, but in the way that you are under his charge, you are his spawn/slave.

I get that in that conversation he says “And don’t worry, if anything happens, I’ll protect you.” Can be sweet, if you look at that completely out of context, hell I’d think it’s sweet too. He does say this in a bit of a condescending way though. It’s not the “I love you and I’ll protect you,” it’s the “This is my thing, and I’ll protect it from getting being damaged.” The care that A. Astarion has for you isn’t one of honest love, it isn’t born of concern.

You can see that because S. Astarion has a dialogue that says “Say no, the only thing she is offering is pain, and…I don’t want to see you hurt.” 

Astarion isn’t someone who knows how to express his true feelings, he’s expressed his inability to know how to truly be with someone, but he’s opening up. At this point, this is beyond his graveyard scene, so you’re seeing a man who is awkward when expressing his true feelings. Again, his body language says so much here. He gives a sigh right before saying he doesn’t want to see you hurt, he shies away from you just slightly and his expression grows softer. He’s being vulnerable and sincere, he truly does not want to see you hurt. Not because you’re an item of his that he doesn’t want damaged, but because he truly doesn’t want his lover to be hurt, that would pain him. There’s a lot of dialogue that’s similar for both, so, there’s not much to differentiate between them at that time.

Astarion’s trauma is still trauma, in both iterations. His understanding of consent seems to resonate with both versions at this point. So many people are taking that ‘consent’ is him caring. Just because he understands consent, and still asks you, that doesn’t quite mean a level of caring. Yes you can choose to be his spawn, or not. If you break up with him not as a spawn, he insults you and lets you be. Choose to be his spawn, and there is no getting out of it, you have no consent anymore. You’re his slave. Yes, he calls you his ‘consort’ because he wanted to dress up the word “spawn”. A slave is still a slave, no matter what other pretty title you want to give it. You have consent up until he turns you, then that’s out the window, you can’t leave ever. Hell, he even has a line that says “I should have turned you into a spawn, just to prove that I could.” Yeah, let that sink in.

“A.Astarion says ‘I love you, I’d never hurt you.’ He tells us he loves us on multiple occasions. Once more, he’s got a beating heart now, so he is fully capable of love.”

 =/

A beating heart, a living organ =/= love. I mean, if you break up with him he says “You brought my dead heart back to life, it will keep beating” That is metaphorical, it didn’t mean that he will be brought back to life. So no, having a living, beating heart does not make him more capable of love. He felt real love as a spawn, he sincerely fell for you.

Let’s also talk about Astarion saying “I love you.” He does say it at both routes, but the way he says it, and again, body language says it all.

I’ve seen this video going around about how he says he loves Tav/Durge, and how people claim this is love, that this is proof he cares. https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Bov4CwHLukc

Let’s talk about these, shall we?

First of all, notice how Astarion is acting here. This is back to theatrics, the wide arm movements, the flowery words and the poetic gestures. Does this look familiar? Ah yes, this looks very similar to when he used all his ‘favorite lines’ at us. Even when he says “I love you” it feels so practiced, so forced. He even looks down at you afterwards. But people are so convinced that this is romantic love. They are convinced he means this.

I am reminded back to that, force Astarion to sleep with you scene. You tell him “You seemed like you enjoyed it,” and he says he knows that song and dance better than anyone, it was an act. This? This is an act as well. But S.Astarion? Go look at the graveyard scene, go watch how he tells you he loves you.

He looks you directly in the eyes, taking your hand in his, and he’s smiling. That’s no forced smile, when does he ever smile that genuine and at peace? He looks down in thought for a moment and returns to your eyes and says “he loves ‘this’, and he wants it all, with you.” Look at those two “I love yous” side to side and tell me which one really, truly looks sincere. Which looks real.

In act 2, he says that he manipulated you into an alliance, so you’d never hurt him. He used sex to get you to love him so you won’t turn on him, but says you deserve something real, that he wants to be real with you. In his graveyard scene, he’s ready to be fully real with you. And if you do have sex with him, the dev. Notes says “Had_sex_as_equals. You are his equal, and he is yours. Whatever your powers and abilities are doesn’t matter, it’s how you treat each other, as equals.

Astarion’s first line in the video says he was offering you power, offer you to live as his spawn so he can own you, what’s that, if not love? Then says, if that’s not an offer, if you want more, perhaps this isn’t for you.

I’ve seen so many people say “A.Astarion is not for the weak hearted, his kind of love is intense, possessive and hot, not for those goody goodies! He says it himself.”

Nah, he’s telling you that love is a transaction. You gave me power, I’ll give you a bit of it. You become my spawn that will be obedient to me, who will bow to my every whim, and I’ll offer you protection. There, love. This is a man who used his body, who used everything as a transaction. If you get high approval before the party and allowed him to bite you, he offers you sex as thanks. It’s a transaction. 

A.Astarion says “I did try with you, you know. In the only way I know how.” By using a transaction of offering you life of being a spawn. 

And of course, how can we forget the famous line. “Of course I know about *love* (said with absolute disgust by the way) I know how to use it, manipulate it, and I can’t help playing the hand I know. I would have used your love, abused your trust until you were nothing.”

Every argument here says “You hurt his pride, he’s angry! He doesn’t mean that. He was upset and said a lie.” And I can say, ok, I hear you. There’s been times when people break up and say really hurtful things because they were hurt. Things they may not even mean. I’d be fully inclined to believe that if… well, if that were true. Instead, I fully, TRULY believe Astarion is being sincere with us here. I think he knows that we were smart enough to see through his BS, to see that in this state, he’s gone.

They also cut out parts where Astarion says “Oh that was completely different, I’d never hurt you, I love you.” Right after, in the same breath, he says “That’s what you’ve been waiting to hear, isn’t it?”  Like, this man is telling you what you want to hear, it’s not the truth, it’s all a lie. He’s telling you to your face “I’m telling you what you want to hear.”

 He doesn’t know what real love is, he is incapable of love, to him it’s just a game. You can tell this by the insight check you do before he turns you.

“The insight check really means that he doesn’t think highly of himself, that he values Tav/Durge’s opinion and thinks he’s not good enough to be with”

I can understand how this could be one interpretation, and I’d agree with you if this was Act 2. Astarion. I’d fully believe that’s how he thinks a continued romance would be with him, but that’s not what’s going on here.

A.Astarion thinks he’s all powerful and amazing. He’s not the weak man he was back then, he’s better. Knowing you want to be a slave to him, you’re degrading yourself to becoming his slave, his spawn, but…maybe you’re into that. Maybe you want to be his slave, to worship him and be manipulated. Hell, you’ve gone this far for him, he doesn’t seem to have to beg you, you’re willing to do what he wants.

That’s the implication here. Not that he’s not good enough for you, but that you no longer care about yourself, that you want to be stepped on by him. 

A lot of people understand this concept as “Yeah, I made him worse, and I’m willing to throw everything in the trash to be with him! He can pull me by my leash and I will follow!” And then others misunderstand it to mean “Awww my poor boy thinks he’s not good enough for us and thinks we’re degrading ourselves to be his lover.” It’s definitely the former, not the later.

But this is a Sub/Dom relationship!

At the very base core of what that is, he is dominant over you, and you are serving him. To call this a sub/dom relationship is such a disservice to those real relationships out there that exist though!

I know someone close to me, who has been in a sub/dom relationship for 10+ years. She wears a collar with her partner’s name on it and he calls her pet names. This is something they do in their private time, and after all of it, there’s so much after care and tenderness involved to remind them both that they are partners who are equal. They are in a safe place, they have real, romantic love and understand if at any time there’s something they aren’t comfortable with, they can speak up.

A.Astarion just owns you. He doesn’t care, you are his property and that’s that. That’s like calling Cazador Astarion’s lover! The man favored Astarion, and when he disobeyed, he punished him. Granted, I’ll say that Astarion and his spawn’s relationship isn’t violent yet, but I don’t think it wouldn’t get to that point. He says he doesn’t have to, you’ll be wonderfully obedient.

…but what if you aren’t? Do you really think he’ll stand there and listen? If you push back, do you think he will understand? If you speak up and speak your mind, will he just lovingly accept your words? I’m afraid not. To those who think they can ‘change’ him or ‘keep him in line’, the time for that has passed and he’s not going back. I’m sorry.

The writer who spoke up is wrong about A.Astarion and is just one writer, not even the MAIN one! Take their words with a grain of salt.

The amount of people taking the salt out of what the writer said is crazy! I saw the reddit post and people were losing their minds, saying that this writer should have never said anything, that they stole the joy out of their A. Astarion romance, and that all is doomed!

Let me just say this. The writer, other people, no one can take your agency of enjoying a game. Take it for what it is, enjoy it. If you don’t agree, that’s fine, but it does not make the writer wrong. 

The writer is one of many who worked and wrote for Astarion. Just as what happens with every character, what happens with comics, movies, games, etc. You have teams who all work on one part to make it a cohesive whole. Animators have writers, directors, lineart work, flat colors, shaders, sketchers, background artists, all of these different people work on different parts of the same product and at the end, you have a whole piece. They all have to be in sync with each other and understand the source material to make it all work here.

The writer who spoke out may have been one of many, but that does not mean their words were invalid. In fact, after taking their words into consideration and looking back at how the sex scene for A.Astarion and S.Astartion play out, I honestly sat back and thought “...wow, I actually completely understand what you mean!”

First of all, they call it a bad ending. That speaks enough to what has been said and stated over and over again. Astarion does not progress, he does not heal, he gives up his soul for power, losing himself, and becomes a slave to it. Secondly, they said that you failed to see him as anything more than a kink, and reduce your relationship to that. That explains his actions, the way he is back to manipulating you with pretty words of adoration. And so many people are literally falling for it all over again.

In the scene he makes you a spawn, it’s overly provocative (I’ll admit, it’s fucking hot! I mean, from an objective view at least. Knowing what I know, it’s sad, but taking out context and what I know, it’s a very sexy scene) it’s meant to be. This is what you wanted, this is what you think of him. The camera mod that allows you to see different angles is a GODSEND here! You can look into his eyes and they are devoid of life, of feeling. He’s going through the motions, but he’s not even there. He’s not looking at you, he’s looking away, his body is performing, and Tav/Durge is just moaning and enjoying themselves. You wanted this, you got it, and in the end, he delivers.

Vs. the graveyard. It’s so much more chaste since you have clothes on. He’s not biting you, but this is his most honest form. It’s pure love, this isn’t lust, this isn’t him ‘fucking’ you, but being one with you. He’s reclaiming what sex means to him. It’s not a means to an end, it’s not an exchange, it’s not forced, he wants to give you a night of passion because he loves you. This is him connecting sex to love, and not as an act of manipulation.

Again, the camera mod is everything!! He looks into your eyes, his features are genuine. He cups the side of your cheek and kisses you. Then, he pushes you down, and climbs over you, looking into your eyes before sinking into the kiss in a much deeper, passionate way. 

I admit, I’m a degenerate. I can accept that Astarion is hot! I thought his turning scene was erotic, steamy, and I just couldn’t stop watching it. But knowing what I know, I can understand how, if what you’re looking for is real love, a real romantic relationship, that’s not the way to go. I think the camera angles of his graveyard scene show so much more to how passionate and hot that kiss is! Once I understood that this was Astarion, truly himself, taking back sex for himself and pushing Tav/Durge down in that swoop of a kiss, I completely did a 180 and preferred that! 

That kiss is HOT! And it means so much more, which makes it all the more intense. This is Astarion, throwing down his walls, opening up to us, body, soul and heart. And seeing as the dev notes says they had sex, it leaves it to your imagination how that went down, but I am one to believe, it was incredible, earth shatteringly so.

Final thoughts

If you made it this far, Oh my GOD I’m so sorry! Honestly, I appreciate it and thank you all for the time and patience to read my ramblings. I’ve just been sitting here replying to so many others and said “Fuck it, I’ll make a post about my feelings.”

There’s so much I haven’t touched on, so many points that can still be made, and I’m sure I missed over some other parts. Because I’m a maladaptive daydreamer, these thoughts literally assaulted me every chance they got! I couldn’t cook, clean, or even shower without another full stream of ideas that invaded my brain. I had to stop now because I’ve been working on this for 4 days and if I kept going, this would be 30+ pages long and NO ONE wants that.

That being said, look, if you like Ascended, go for it! If you want your character to be degraded and live in that fantasy, that’s ok and you shouldn’t be shamed for it. You shouldn’t be bullied by anyone to think you’re real life relationships are awful, or that you need therapy. Please, have fun and remember to take some time away from it all every now and then.

If you like Spawn, that’s great too! You shouldn’t be made to feel like you’re weak, or you only think Astarion is some good boy. You shouldn’t be told that you’re gaslighting, or anything else that I’ve seen out there.

At the end of the day, these are games, escapism from reality. I encourage you all to write, or maybe play the character in a game, or do what you want to do as long as it brings joy to you.

The point of this post is not to shame anyone or to cause drama. The point of this was to show that the writers did an AMAZING job illustrating these character’s stories. They showed us how gray and lifelike they were, they made their flaws something relatable, but also showed us that there’s always two very different ways things can go.

I wanted to highlight the differences in Astarion’s endings.  In his Ascended ending, he loses himself for the price of power. He fails to see that there’s more to himself than what power can give him. He fails to heal from his trauma, and instead, masks it behind power and control. He continues the cycle of abuse and becomes an entirely new monster. He fails to experience a true, romantic love that he never had and instead returns to using ‘love’ as a form of manipulation. He is deluding himself into what he thinks is happiness, and one day, will have nothing left inside of him. It’s so tragic and yet painfully, beautifully written.

In his spawn ending, he gets healing, he gets to choose his own way through life and live it being free. I wanted to show that while power was enticing, he learns that he’s enough the way he is, even if he won’t have the power of profane ascension (no matter how much terrible fun it would have been). And hey, if you want to play him in a solo campaign (that’s what I’m doing) and find ways for him to gain power without losing who he is, I’m sure that would be awesome! To see Astarion grow, and continue to take responsibility, to see him take back his sexuality, his honor, his autonomy is beautiful, even if it means he had to let go of the thing he thought he wanted, to take hold of the thing he truly wants.

[torturedblue]

It’s the middle of the week, have some dancing turtles

Spoilers below as I gush about my Mutant Mayhem Monday experience 🤗 please feel free to gush with me I wanna hear other people’s thoughts too!

First off… When Seth wanted to put the teenager in TMNT he meant it. Like, all the versions act like teenagers, but like Nickelodeon PG stereotypical teens. MM turtles were the realest PG-13 outta pocket 21st century teenagers I’ve ever seen and I love that shit because it’s the first time I actually felt like I was around the kids in middle school and high school again with the way they talk. Kinda appreciate Superfly cussing too? Like idk it’s Ice Cube and this villain goes hard tryna kill some teenage turtles he formally saw as his lil cousins, let the grown mutant cuss

Also uh, was not expecting to be sad so early in the movie? Like I could tell from the trailers it was gon be an emotional rollercoaster but shit like ten minutes in and these turtles are fuckin depressed. And to see it really hit me because in every other version (except for Bayverse) the turtles literally never let not being part of the human world get to them. In the shows especially they’re so well adjusted and never bothered by sticking to the shadows. Then there’s Rise where they pretty much go out whenever they want and indulge in most of the human world stuff they want to. For these guys to be so stunted and desperate to have more freedom was so heart wrenching. Especially when Splinter grounds them for a whole month and the reality sinks in of how much they know the life they want isn’t an option for them

Wasn’t expecting any kind of ship or romance but that crush Leo has on April hit me like truck because…… holy crap the Leo-April pair has never been a thing? On top of that this is only the second on screen black April we’ve seen and I’ve been a Leo kinnie across the board since day one so to see this combo of my favorite character liking a black girl is making me lose my mind 🥲 and like it got me thinking of several of my favorite shows and the single characters I kin in those and if they’ve ever had black love interests and it’s just still not a common normalized thing honestly.

I’m sure a lot of people aren’t excited for the prospect of ships coming back (especially after 2012 scarred us) but as a Leo lover and black girl it got me so excited to see something like this. I’m just hopeful and optimistic they won’t mess it up like a lot of shows do. The “this is just as friends line” already makes me a little worried bc that trope never has a good history but I have faith they’ll handle things tastefully and not make it toxic or messy

MURDER THE SHREKS!

“I assume you’d wanna be on camera. ‘Cause you have, like a very camera ready look…” OKAY SMOOOOOTH LEONARDOOOOOO 👏🏽

Could not stop laughing while he was shooting his shot my face was literally donnie’s restraining myself from bursting out laughing

Just a couple of my favorite questions that April wrote down for them:

“Do you carry salmonella?” Look I still don’t know wtf salmonella is but it’s the second time a TMNT iteration has joked about it so I’m starting to think it has something specifically to do with turtles 👀

“Have you caught covid?” Oml covid exists in this world

“Are you the source of covid?” OUT OF LINE 💀

“How many people has the red bandana turtle stabbed? Does he need therapy?” Yes.

“Does sunlight cause you to burst into flames?” They’re- they’re not vampires? 😂

Leon Ardo deserves the world and whatever he wants in it give him everything 😭

I will never understand what made Donnie laugh so hard at the name Nardo other than it being because it’s his sibling and that it bothers Leo lmao

All imma say about the puke scene is that I’m glad I heard an “out of context” spoiler about it bc I knew exactly when to look away and I’m glad I did bc the scene lasted for so long??? 😀❓But hey at least I had Unwritten to listen too while I was sparing my eyes 😂

The sequence of them going around and shaking down those gangs and Superfly’s connections. BAD. ASS. And each of them got their own moments to shine? Loved it. Like they each even got to take point and have their moments where they got to kick in the door lol. And the fight scenes were just, muah. Chef’s kiss, they all looked amazing taking grown ass adults down together

Okay Splinter definitely gets the best dad award for putting together that little surprise party, with all the celebrity Chris’s and pretending to wait on them 🥺 so pure. It did make me sad the guys immediately left and you can just see such a sad dejected look on Splinter’s face, knowing he can’t provide what his kids really want or make them happy enough without it 🥲 At the very least they say thanks and that they appreciate but I would’ve at least stayed for a lil bit and gone along with it, Splinter just looked so excited about it and it was so sweet 😭

And he doesn’t even get upset though he knows they’re hiding something, he just says he’ll help them if they’ve gotten into trouble, which is something I’m sure almost every kid has wanted instead of having the kind of relationship where they’re more scared of telling their parents they messed up instead of handling it on their own

I love how musical Superfly’s family is 😂 Ray Filet just starts sing-introducing his name and Mondo and the other couple mutants when they drive with in the car trying to find music they could all sing to together 🥹 not to mention the musical references Superfly makes later that I’ll get to. “Kinda don’t wanna murder everyone on Earth, I just kinda wanna sing” Me too bruh.

Raph immediately going “goochi goochi goo” and playing peekaboo with Genghis frog is so underrated that boy has such a soft side he’s not even that afraid of showing at times, and maybe it’s continuing the trope of Raph having a soft spot for pets/animals? Who knows 😌

Yo I was kinda shook when that government guy knocked Leo out and he just fell unconscious on the ground 😶 Like we’re used to seeing the authorities be brutal especially in movies like this but that’s a whole teenager? You just assaulted a minor? 🙂 Crazy

Also I know it’s sad they got captured and drained painfully but Mikey in that scene was hilarious 😂 like even the way he was dramatically crying and Leo was just started to cry with him like “iM sO sOrRy mIkEeEeEy! 😭” gold. When one of his children is hurting Leo hurts too. One of my favorite moments 🤣

They literally started singing BTS while being tortured they’re so unserious but like in a serious way to them and I love it. Also the fact that they did it just to make Donnie feel better? So pure. Like Raph of all turtles offered to sing while being drained of blood (bc I refuse to use the m word 💀)

The way Splinter snuck in and soloed literal government soldiers single handedly? Badass. Never loved seeing a Splinter save his sons so much 🥹

“But it’s the only way we’ll be accepted.”

“No! We accept you!”

“You can come live with us! We accept you!”

“WE VIBE!”

Oml they’re so puuuuure 😭 I really thought this was gonna be a moment where the guys invite them all to come live with them and Splinter was gonna be like ‘aha 😬 whoa slow down there’ but damn nah he was just as enthusiastic as them inviting all those mutants to come live in their home forever “The more the merrier!” Like ugh he just loves finding family like Baxter Stockman and we see where the guys got their loving nature from 🥹

The amount of his soul Mikey put into that BROSEEEPH was so real like I’ve never heard the name broseph be said in any other way, I’m so glad they put that moment in there

“New York, New York!” “I’m the king of New York!”

Oml superfly’s a Broadway baby 🤗 he’s a big bad villain marching through time square and talking about King Kong but he’s fill gonna nerd out and make his musical theatre references 😂

“For once in your life you didn’t sound lame. You actually started to sound like a leader”

“That was really heartfelt Raph”

I love the Leo Raph dynamic in this movie. Like they don’t always agree or understand each other but they will show love towards one another and show mutual appreciation

Something about any of the turtles shells cracking always gets to me for some reason like those are some serious permanent injuries so I want to see if they do anything special with that in the sequel or show maybe 🤔 And I couldn’t tell if all of theirs cracked or just one, and if so which turtle it was. I think Leo or Raph. I feel like it was Leo but Raph’s are also starting to have a trend of getting cracks in their shells so 🤷🏽‍♀️

Also I do not want to judge what other people like to wear but why are Raph and Donnie the only normal dressed ones 😭 like Mikey looks like he’s going on vacation and Leo looks like he’s going to clock in at Best Buy 😂 tell me it’s because they have limited resources for clothes lmao. HE’S LITERALLY WEARING A LANYARD

Them taking off the masks was crazy honestly… like them deciding not to wear them made my brain pause until I realize they’re kids going to school now and not being ninjas all the time… they don’t need them anymore. I’m just so pleased with the fact that this movie was willing to do what all other iterations weren’t. I see why they’re getting a sequel and show already, these guys and the plot development deserve so much more exploration

Maybe I missed something in the beginning but I’m wondering where Stockman went. Like is he still in custody? Did he die? Because not seeing him again that’s what I assumed but we only saw him get arrested or whatever, so if anything I don’t get why Superfly and the others wouldn’t try to break him out 🤔 I was surprised they didn’t make him a villain though, but I’m pretty happy about him getting to be a more optimistic kind character tho

SHREDDER HAD ME SHOOK LIKE THE ARMOR ALREADY LOOKED SO COOL AND I WAS NOT EXPECTING THEM TO GET THE BIG BAD INVOLVED AHHHH I’M SO READY TO SEE THEM REACT TO THIS ANGRY GIANT TIN CAN

Although I do wonder if Shredder’s gonna have some personal gripe with them since they have a different backstory he doesn’t seem to be a part of. And shit now that they’re public and in school it’s gonna be so much easier for him to go after them 😅 pluses and minuses…

The soundtrack: golden. Cultured. Nothing but range. Goes from a 90’s rap song to Natasha Bedingfield’s soulful 2000’s song. Most movies only ever have all pop mainstream songs or only rap songs because they think they can’t mix but MM does it effortlessly. The turtles are so versatile not just with music genres but they make old and new references ‘cause they’re well rounded kings 💪🏽 Between rizz, Adele, broski, Hey Arnold, K-Pop, Ferris Bueller, etc… I mean Donnie’s literally doing the sprinkler and the funky chicken in that gif up top 😂 they’re born in 2008 I doubt any kids today know about those dances anymore

Clearly I have all the thoughts and feelings about these boys and the movie, but I think this is probably my favorite TMNT movie? I’ve loved all of them but I think this one definitely brings me the most comfort fr

[kanazero-vampireknight2]

Another reason why I hate both Yume and Zeki shippers is that none of them actually care about Yuuki. They just live through her basically, no one cares that she's a 16/17 year old girl who needs therapy instead of a man because she was severely traumatized since she was a child, her first memory as a human was her getting attacked and her last memory as a child vampire was watching her mother bleed to death in front of her. She's been in survival mode since she was 5, I can write an essay about how the fandom ignores the severe trauma Yuuki has suffered and sum it up with "Well all she needs is Zero or Kaname and she'll be fine." It's no wonder that she acts more immature and childish than both of her daughters who grew up in a safer and less abusive environment, which allowed them to mature properly Yuuki is mentally stunted and it doesn't help that she basically became a teen mom. She couldn't even mourn the loss of Kaname properly because now she has to worry about raising a daughter. Also I can't imagine how traumatizing it must be for Yuuki who spent most of her life in the human world to realize that she has to be pregnant for how long was it? Like 4 years?? This girl has suffered so much but the fandom is too busy living through her to actually see her, her only value is the co-dependent relationship she has with the men in her life. Yuuki has never had time to figure out herself which is why I'm not surprised it took her years to jump into a relationship with Zero cause she was stifled so much when she was just a teenager. Also I'll say that again SHE WAS A TEENAGER! A MINOR! and she was put through so much. I may not be the biggest Yuuki fan but at least I can try and understand her as an individual instead of constantly trying to make her life revolve around who she chooses to be with. Thanks for reading!

Woah, I actually loved reading this, and tbh I’ve never given this take much thought, and it’s all true!

I was terrified the first time I heard that the vampire pregnancy lasts about 4 years (…)

Plus, she became a mom while she was still mourning, she was unstable emotionally.

Watching her mom die, knowing that her parents sacrificed themselves for her to live, even fighting with vampires (after the transformation) is just, traumatizing.

I’m also wondering whether birth control exists in this world or if Kaname wanted to get her pregnant so as to make her less lonely.

The fandom erases her suffering and hates on her for not being able to choose between Kaname and Zero, without considering the emotional turmoil she had to go through.

Also the fact that she still sometimes acts a bit childish or immature, it’s because her childhood wasn’t that stable (like Ai and Ren)

All of them need therapy!

Thank you so much for this, anon, this is an important topic!

[highladyluck]

Season 2, Episode 4 Liveblog

Teaser:

Selene is so sanguine about her entire livelihood going up in smoke! It’s almost like this has happened before

Werewolf Perrin rumors have been crushed!

The problem with the Forsaken Ski Chalet is that there’s a Myrdraal infestation in the basement

It is a personal insult that the subtitles just say [chanting] when Ishy is clearly dialing up Lanfear (also if anyone can overwrite the audio for this scene with the dial-up modem sound I want to see the clip)

DARK PROPHECY IS A GO

Awww she’s an amateur artist

Dollars to donuts that ‘older sister’ is an Aes Sedai

It has to be so painful coming back home

Selene is so sanguine about her entire livelihood going up in smoke! It’s almost like this has happened before

How long, Selene? Exactly how long has it been?

I’m gonna need fanart/fanfic of the Forsaken Ski Chalet up near Kinslayer’s Dagger

Awwwwwwwwwww

The Accepted sleeves look AWESOME I know I keep saying that but it’s true! They’re little embroidered ombre flames

Alanna is like ‘I don’t do therapy, I only do sex advice’

Hmmmmm, that doesn’t sound like stilling aftermath, another point in favor of ‘shielded’

It’s good that they are namedropping Cads this early; she came out of nowhere in the books.

DARK, Alanna. Also I bet I know what that change in Moiraine was; the timeframe is right for it to be when Gitara died & she got her quest.

Moiraine is on the case!

Ooooooooooooh this is going to be FUN

DAMN so that’s why she wanted that specific red wine. This feels very on par with the books- Moiraine a step behind but trying desperately to stay in the loop and get Rand what she thinks he needs

Moiraine, damn

Yeah, no point letting him destroy himself until all value has been extracted from him :/

Elayne like ‘she’s been promoted’ lmao she would think it was just that

Oh Egwene, you have not even begun to feel like shit

Ooooh someone gave Liandrin her marching orders

FORESHADOWING

Awww it’s Hopper! Hi Hopper

Werewolf Perrin rumors have been crushed! It’s ok he is a werewolf in my heart, the way Rand is a ghost in my heart and Mat is a vampire in my heart. And by ‘in my heart’ I mean ‘in the subtext’

Huh, interesting thing with the visions

Perrin like ‘excuse me, why did I not get an instruction manual and personal tutoring, this is a shitty apprenticeship so far’

None of the Tower’s fucking business honestly (this is also why info about the Power doesn’t get shared but whatever)

Lmao Selene you lie about more than that

Her face when Rand says ‘you’d be surprised’ lmao, that’s a Lanfear Face (TM)

Oh honey you haven’t even broken the world yet

“[dice rattling]” IT’S MY BOY!!!

Is Min gonna have Mat kidnapped by the Seanchan and taken to Falme? I am INTRIGUED

I’m glad the show explores the rift in families created by the long lives of Aes Sedai

Liandrin says ‘Rescue mission! You love a rescue mission!’

Alanna does not like Dark Prophecies written in blood, I guess?

Ooooh there’s that Damodred spirit (political maneuvering)

“This is my room.” - Elayne

“didn’t ask, don’t care” - Nyneave

Egwene no no no you already have enough trauma you don’t need to go to Falme

Uh oh, always a bad sign when Ishy shows up in your dreams (I love that the non-ta’veren are getting Ishy dreams!) also at this point it should be obv to everyone that Liandrin is bad news bears, even if you missed the lying

Oooooh interesting, what IS In Cairhein?

The problem with the Forsaken Ski Chalet is that there’s a Myrdraal infestation in the basement

Lmao like she didn’t know

Selene doesn’t know anything about being seen as a monster, nope

Oh ok that bit about her soul is great

Rand is vanilla

What the hell

Wow that is the most awkward thing I can imagine happening between Rand and Moiraine, you’re gonna give him a complex about… killing… women… I see

I cannot wait to see Lanfear do some horror movie shit

YEAH

AVI NEXT EP!!!

[moonlight-fan2008]

Moonlight rewatch for millionth time

Episode 2 random thoughts and feelings I had while rewatching again: cause I’m bored and have nothing else to do or watch. And I love this show

Mick: monsters don’t get happy ever after. Me: Stop saying you’re a monster! Stop it now

I like Mick’s early 80’s look, it had a 1970ish vibe to it

I know Mick probably panicked but he should have just snapped Lee Jays neck before running off

I like how Beth’s like talk about my feelings? No I’d rather get to work bye lol same girl

I think I’ve said it before but I think Beth purposely picked out a 25 year old single malt to maybe catch Mick in a lie or maybe get some sort of reaction from him

I wish we got more Bobby scenes

My head canon is that Logan and Mick met over World or Warcraft and Mick beat Logan who then threatened Mick (think end game with Thor) and Mick was like oh okay I’m so scared then Logan hacked him and went to his place and was like oh shit my bad uh friends? When he realized Mick was also a vampire

I love him but Mick really needs to think things through before he acts

Ilene deserved better I’m glad she gets justice in the end

Lee Jay in fact did not understand

Mick says vampires don’t have a club house that they hang out at and yet we have this episode where we have vampires at a club that has freshies then several episodes later another club where they all play pool. So what’s the difference?

I never noticed this before but Mick had random lemons in his fridge

There’s like four or five of them in there. It’s most likely for clients that come over but he also has green apples in there too.

Lee Jay is the worst

I like Josef’s casual style in the way that something about it still feels very expensive and true to Josef’s personality

I like how Beth is a ride or die when it comes to Mick. She’s only known him a week but she’s already willing to break the law and go against her boyfriend and friend to help prove his innocence

I wonder what happened to Julia after this episode, I’m sure she went to therapy for everything that happened but it’s just strange we never see her again especially when Josh died

Is it bad that when Mick is running and jumping on the rooftop that StarWars bad lip reading of Yoda singing “now run jump” etc etc was playing in my head? Lol

Where did Mick get that blood packet from and why didn’t he get help for the silver buckshots in his body? Did he just rob a blood bank ? Because I highly doubt Guillermo would let his friend go off on his own in such a vulnerable situation

I like how they didn’t drag out the vampire secret for very long. Sometimes I feel like when writers and directors drag things out like that for too long it becomes a bit stale once things are actually revealed

[mysticstarlightduck]

Incorrect Quotes Tag!

Tagged by the very cool, @rickie-the-storyteller! Find her post here!

This is the link to the generator.

Since the last time I did this, I used my characters from The Last Wrath, this time, I did this tag for my main cast of Tales of Wilted Flowers!

It is mostly platonic, the only ships here are: Rylisan/Eiralis, and Xarian/Lorelai.

Micah, Caladin, Arista, and Neoma'ka are their friends and adventuring companions. Kaellel is Eiralis' estranged older brother and Niven is one of Rylisan's many siblings.

Xarian: Is something burning? 

Lorelai (leaning seductively on the counter): Just my desire for you. 

Xarian: Lorelai, the toaster is literally on fire.

-----

Kaellel (flying down to camp like nothing’s wrong in the world): Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff.

Rylisan: YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!

-----

Eiralis to Rylisan: Turn that frown upside-down!

*a little while later*

Eiralis: What are you doing?

Rylisan, trying to do a handstand: You told me to “turn that frown upside-down” but it is not working.

-----

Xarian: I'm going to ask you to be respectful.

Caladin: I will politely decline.

-----

Rylisan: Did you just refer to a knife as a “people-opener”?

Arista (a dhampir with issues): …

Arista: …Should I not have?

-----

Neoma’ka: While you were caught up in your heterosexuality, I studied the way of the blade!

------

Lorelai: Do you have a self-care routine?

Kaellel: "Keep going bitch,” said to myself in different accents.

Eiralis, coming into the room: Kaellel, no.

-------

Rylisan, stoically amused: Do you need help getting up?

Caladin, after a drunken brawl: Nah, I'm cool down here on the floor.

------

Eiralis: Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way.

------

Xarian, incredulous:... You’re giving me a sticker?

Lorelai: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying “me-wow!”

Xarian: … 

Xarian: I’m not a preschooler.

Lorelai: Fine, I’ll take it back-

Xarian: I earned this, back off!

-------

Kaellel, eyeing Rylisan with a death glare: It’s not that I don’t trust Eiralis, I just... don’t trust my sister's impulse control. Especially when it comes to you.

-------

Eiralis: *eating a cinnamon roll*

Rylisan, feigning shock: Cannibalism.

Eiralis: *confused chewing noises*

--------

Micah: Now, if I may speak for good-looking people everywhere...

Kaellel, walks past: Only as their rodeo clown.

--------

Lorelai: Neoma’ka, no.

Neoma’ka, cracking her knuckles, walking towards a fight: Neoma’ka, yes.

--------

Lorelai: Why do humans have different blood groups?

Caladin, looking at Arista: So mosquitoes can enjoy different flavors.

Arista: *vampiric hiss*

-------

Rylisan: What can therapy do for me that screaming for 30 minutes can’t?

Niven: I have several questions... Namely why are you like this?

-------

Micah: Maybe the true treasure was friendship all along. But I hope not, because I can’t spend my friendship on new clothes.

-------

Rylisan: You're violent.

Arista: Yeah but I'm also short and that's adorable.

--------

Caladin: I was arrested for being too cool.

Xarian: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

--------

Xarian: Isn’t it a bit dangerous?

Lorelai: Xarian, please. We’ve been in a lot of unexpected predicaments before and we always escape unhurt.

Xarian: …

Lorelai: Okay, we sometimes escape unhurt.

Xarian, narrows his eyes: ...

Lorelai: Alright, we escaped unhurt once... Then we hurt ourselves on the way home.

---------

Rylisan: Do we have any orange juice left?

Kaellel: *pours the remaining juice into their cup without breaking eye contact*

Kaellel: Sorry, we’re all out.

---------

Xarian: What is the most illegal thing you can do with one gold?

Neoma’ka: Exchange it for a hundred copper, put them all in a sock, and then beat someone to death with it.

----------

Rylisan: Niven, I screwed up, big time.

Niven (downing a glass of wine, done with life): Brother dearest, given your daily life experiences, you’re gonna have to be more specific.

---------

Arista: Now it's time for some witty back and forth banter. You go first.

Caladin: *sobbing*

Arista: Look, my dude, I'm not sure where to go with that.

---------

Lorelai: That was so hot, Xarian.

Xarian: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.

Lorelai: I'm so in love with you.

---------

Kaellel: You know, Micah, you are the sun in my life.

Micah: Why? Cause I'm smoking hot?

Kaellel: Because it hurts my eyes looking at you. LEAVE MY HOUSE-

---------

Neoma’ka: What do you do for a living?

Rylisan: I exist against my will.

---------

Eiralis: Hey, Rylisan, do you have any hobbies?

Rylisan: Swimming..

Eiralis: Really? That’s cool. I never expected you to-

Rylisan: In a pool of self-hatred and regret.

---------

Micah: As a responsible adult-

Caladin: *chuckles*

Micah:… As a responsible adult—

----------

Lorelai: Wow, that was quick thinking on that phony sacrifice stuff.

Xarian: Oh, that was all real.

Rylisan (interrupts): Wait, you were trying to help them kill us?!

Xarian: Well, If I’m gonna be sacrificed, I’m gonna do it right!

Lorelai:... He has a point.

---------

Tagging: @writernopal, @tabswrites, @cabbojage, @clairelsonao3 and @liv-is.

[traumatizeddfox]

This is a genuine question not like,, being mean or judging or trolling or anything

I keep seeing the term Narc abuse or Narcissistic abuse but I don’t know what it means

I know that abuse that’s done by narcissists (not all narcissists are abusers I have to say) is treated differently than other kinds of abuse. And normal therapy things don’t always work to help with that kind

And I get that from personal experience with being abused by a diagnosed narcissist and seeing through therapy that the things don’t get undone by kinda the usual methods you gotta approach it differently

But I guess I just don’t get why? Like do people misuse the term to perpetuate stereotypes? If so why is the term so frowned upon in general? Is it a bad term? If so what’s the name for the phenomenon that’s proven to exist/needed to be distinguished from other kinds of abuse?

Again please don’t misunderstand I’m not defending anything I’m just genuinely confused and don’t understand and need to know what’s happening and what’s appropriate and what’s not

Anyway have a nice day sorry for the long winded question

so a lot of victims have used the word narc abuse as a way to just describe their abuser. i think a lot of them either don’t understand the harm they’re doing when they use the term or just don’t care. most times i see people use it as a way to describe emotional abuse or any kind of abuse but it’s almost as if victims feel like they’re more special if they have been abused by a narcissist or something

i personally don’t have npd so i can’t speak for those in the community but from the people i know who have it, they say it makes them feel terrible, and not welcomed in victim spaces because the term narc abuse has just become another way to describe abuse and so it alienates those with pd or npd because people now think narcissist = abuser.

i know when i first started to look into abuse i kept getting a lot of those narc abuse videos on tiktok and most of the time victims try to make themselves feel “special” for being abused by a narcissist because these spaces describe narcissists like they’re some vampire lmao waiting to lure their victim because the victim is “soooo special” which is super dangerous to tell victims because that’s something abusers do tell us especially if they have groomed us, but it’s not a narcissist thing it’s just an abuser thing. the thing is i was also abused by someone with NPD but he didn’t abuse me bc he’s a narcissist he abused me because he’s an abuser.

the main issue with these types of people is they don’t want to ever hear the other side because they think if you say “narc abuse isn’t real” ur saying that their abuse didn’t happen which isn’t the case it’s just trying to get people to change the language. unfortunately it’s hard to talk about these things in victim spaces because it’s everywhere. i feel like tumblr is the only place where i don’t see much ableism towards those with npd (i can’t even look up trauma or abuse on tiktok w/o seeing someone talk abt narc abuse)

it would be nice if we could eventually learn that all victims are on the same field and abusers are just abusers no matter what disorders they have and that a disorder doesn’t = abuser

[keepingupwiththecullensblog]

🌟🍟 Welcome back to “Keeping Up with the Cullens,” where today we’re diving into one of the most unhinged moments in Bella Swan’s post-Edward-breakup life. Picture this: it’s been a few months since Edward Cullen ghosted out of Bella’s life (literally), and our girl is just trying to survive in Forks, living life on cruise control. You know, the usual post-vampire-breakup blues. 💔😩

But things take a wild turn during what should have been a totally normal trip to Port Angeles with Jessica. They’re just out for a girl’s night, planning to grab some McDonald’s fries and chat about anything but sparkly vampires. 🍔🍟 As they’re walking, Bella spots some guys outside of a bar, and suddenly, she hears Edward’s voice in her head. Yes, you read that right—Edward’s voice, the same guy who ditched her in the woods, is now haunting her like some sort of ghostly boyfriend hallucination. 👻🧛‍♂️

Now, instead of being rational and heading to McDonald’s for a Big Mac therapy session, Bella decides to approach these sketchy dudes. Edward’s voice (or her imagination, honestly, who knows at this point?) is all, “Bella, don’t do it,” like he’s some kind of moral GPS. 🚫🔊 And what does Bella do? She walks right up to them, like, “Let’s see where this goes.” Because nothing says “I’m fine” like ignoring your ghost-ex’s advice and heading straight into trouble! 🙃💀

Jessica, meanwhile, is losing her mind, probably wondering if Bella has completely lost it—or if she’s about to get them both killed. Honestly, Jessica’s patience deserves a medal at this point. 🏅 Bella, however, is living for the adrenaline rush, the only thing that seems to make her feel anything these days. She’s basically like, “Edward ditched me? Fine. I’m gonna go find some danger and see if his voice will pop up again!” And it does, because why not? 😅👀

So, let’s fast forward to the next day. Bella, who’s now apparently decided that reckless behavior is the new therapy, goes out and buys some motorcycles. 🏍️ Yes, you heard me—motorcycles. The girl who can barely stay on her feet without tripping over thin air is now a proud owner of not one, but two motorcycles. And why? Because Edward broke his promise to stay forever, so naturally, she’s going to break her promise not to do anything reckless. 🙄🛵

Is this payback or just plain insanity? Let’s be real—it’s probably a mix of both. 🌀💥 Bella’s reasoning is like, “If Edward’s gonna ditch me, I’m gonna go full daredevil and see how he likes that!” Honestly, it’s like she’s trying to out-crazy his vampire melodrama with her own brand of human recklessness. 🤪💣

But let’s take a moment to consider Charlie, Bella’s poor dad, who’s just trying to keep his daughter from losing it completely. He’s already suggested she see a shrink because, I mean, who wouldn’t after the whole woods breakdown? But can you imagine if he knew about the Edward hallucinations? 😱 He’d probably drive her to therapy himself, no questions asked! “Bella, honey, we need to talk about these ‘voices’ you’re hearing…” 🛋️👨‍⚕️

So, here we are—Bella’s hearing voices, buying motorcycles, and spiraling into what can only be described as post-breakup madness. And all because her sparkly ex ditched her for her “own good.” Is this girl in need of help, or is she just finding the most creative way to deal with heartbreak ever? Honestly, it’s probably a bit of both. 🥴💔

Stay tuned for more of Bella’s wild ride through heartbreak and healing—who knows what she’ll do next! 🤷‍♀️🚀

[neontokyoo]

Quotes from my D&D campaign: pt 1 (so I can collect them for writing purposes to add some extra chaos to my stories)

“HA! WE RAN AWAY FROM THERAPY— Oh. That’s very symbolic….”

“Well… if I die, I expect to see you all crying at my funeral. But if I don’t die, then when this is all over, I would love it if you guys could help me kill my ex husband… Until we meet again. 🫡” “You have an ex husband?” “Well, duh! Where do you think my child came from? It was a team effort. And right now that abusive bitch deserves to die.”

“Daddy is a state of mind.”

“Who’s your daddy now, bitch?”

“Please don’t kill Aurie, she’s just a silly mother trying to provide for a child who doesn’t even know her by scamming people and sleeping around. 🤷🏻‍♀️” - dm “See?! Even the gods can agree with me!” “You can hear the gods?” “Wait! What are they saying right now???” “well… I uh… hey! The weather is looking very lovely today!”

“Guys help! My sister has cancer!” “……” “How is your deception so good???” “See!? I told you she had cancer!” “Girl…. If I had cancer I would be bald.” “YOU WERE HERE THE WHOLE TIME???” “Well, duh. I’m part of the group.”“Shit!” “Well, she’s good at deceiving people, but not when all the evidence we need is right here.” “I was kidding. This is a wig. I really do have cancer.” “THEY’RE BOTH GOOD LIARS?!!”

“Guys, I finally found a good book for our wizard friend!” “*sigh* What is it now?” ”It is called: The Art of Seduction.” “Seriously, Aurelia??? Why do you keep buying me these things? First it was ‘A Guide to Pegging’ and now THIS???” “Hey! Coming from ✨the queen✨ of manipulation, you gotta know what the people want in order to strike a deal and make them give you the information you need! I’m just teaching you how to do that the right way without cursing and slaughtering people. You should thank me. 💅🏻” “You sick fuck.”

“If you call me ‘booger’ one more time, I will smite you.”

“Aurie, you are seriously not trying to flirt with the Vampires right now 🤦🏻‍♂️” “In my defense, he was flirting with me first.” “Aurelia—” “Hey! It’s a win-win for everyone. We fuck, and then he’ll give me all the information we need and we can keep going and forget all about it.” “If you end up getting pregnant again with blood-sucking monsters, we’re leaving you here to figure it out yourself.”“How stupid do you think I am? We have protection. 🙄”

“Sorry to interrupt your tickle party, but where did you put my books?” “Ooh! Did someone say party!?” “WHY IS EVERYONE IN MY ROOM???” “Why didn’t you wait and make sure we were all asleep first? Gods, you’re so fucking loud, I hope you die of STD’s!”

“Okay. What the FUCK is that thing!?” “Oh. This is just a cum jar I found.” “And you all say that I have problems…. Come here, let me see it. *sniff* Honey, that’s just curdled milk.” “WELL GET RID OF IT!!”

“Aurelia, I swear to the gods, if you don’t take that vampire back where he came from, I am going to chop his dick off, and kill him in the most gruesome way possible.” “That’s unnecessary. His name is Lucien, he saved me so I saved him and now he’s joining us. He’s my new boyfriend.” “HE’S WHAT?!”

More coming soon.

our poor wizard 😭

[yukidragon]

How do you think jack/Joseph would deal with someone with no self esteem? Would he get upset eventually?(Ps I love your headcanons )

Awww, thank you! I’m glad you like my headcanons! 💖

Jack would no doubt do his best to be supportive and bolster his precious sunshine’s self-esteem. He would try to help them see the good qualities about themselves, and if there’s one thing he excels at, it’s praise. I’m sure he would have no shortage of good things to say about MC that he can point out to them, and I’m sure he’ll do his best to help them see it as well.

There are all sorts of exercises to help a person improve their self-esteem. I’m sure Jack would come up with a few ideas of how to encourage MC to think more highly of themselves.

I can imagine it’s possible for Jack to get frustrated after a while if all his efforts to help his sunshine get a bit more self-confidence didn’t amount to much. Sadly, sometimes a person needs therapy to deal with such crushingly low self-esteem. It’s not MC’s fault if things are so bad it affects their mental health, and I’m sure Jack would understand that.

No doubt Jack would support them seeing a therapist or getting medicinal treatment for their issues if it was clear to him that the problem is something he alone can’t handle. It’s important to take care of one’s health, both mental and physical. There’s no shame in seeing a doctor when your stomach is unwell, so why would a mind that’s unwell be treated any different?

I imagine it would be upsetting to Jack that the world has been so cruel to his sunshine to make them see so lowly of themselves. If only they could see in themselves what he sees in them... how beautiful they shine...

My version of the MC, Alice, has pitiful self-esteem. I haven’t shown too much of it in Sunshine in Hell so far, but I have shown Jack being reassuring to Alice in the part 1 and part 2 of the intimate unfinished short story for the vampire AU when she thinks negative thoughts about herself. He even briefly gets a bit firm with her at one point when she’s especially mean for herself. He would rather not be anything but soft and gentle to her, but sometimes being firm for his sunshine is what she needs.

Though you could say a part of Jack was pretty firm because of Alice through most of the story.

Didn’t even try to get that pun, it just fell into my lap... like how Alice was in Jack’s lap making him all firm for her. Hahaha.

@channydraws @earthgirlaesthetic @sai-of-the-7-stars

[gggoldfinch]

What are some fic tropes you absolutely love/hate?

OMG okay GREAT QUESTION THANK YOU!!!! I gotta sift thru my brain files bc whenever someone asks me a question i immediately have never had an opinion in my life!

Okay so ignore the fact I literally had to look up a list of tropes to jog my memory… I’ll list a few that I love and read frequently (obv these are all my opinions and you’re welcome to like/dislike whatever you want):

(Writing all of these preferences out made me realize that more than half of what I enjoy in fic is just. the concept of being loved and desired unconditionally even if it’s taboo and especially if it’s possessive. Who needs therapy when you’ve taken half a dozen psych classes and read fanfic!)

Reader/ Self Insert— this is the only type of fic I’ll read (along with original character insert fics) point blank period

Canon Divergence— goes without explanation I assume

Monster (alien, robot, etc) x Human Relationships— as resident traumatized monsterfucker I cannot get enough of the inherent romance of loving something others deem as unlovable. Also monsters are hot

Older Man/ Younger Woman— I have nothing to say about this one. yeah

Dead Dove Do Not Eat— I know a lot of people avoid Dead Dove at all costs but I’m insane enough that often this trope will make me want to read a piece more

Historical AU— usually I hate AUs but I’m a historical girlie and if done right these can be sooo fun

Modern Girl in Middle Earth— this is so specific but I love this genre of LOTR fic

Vampires— I’m goth and you’re on my blog I don’t think I need to explain why vampires/ vamp AUs are endlessly erotic

Slowburn & Mutual Pining— I love it when bitches are stupid

Mates/ Soulmates— aagghhh the concept of being meant for each other

Marriage of Convenience/ Forced Marriage— something about it man idk esp when it starts out ROUGH and they don’t get along

Only One Bed/ Forced Proximity— yeah. more more awkward the better!

Reverse Harem/ Multiple (Male) Partners— I love it when I have everyone wrapped around my finger

Aphrodisiac/ Sex Pollen— I’m not even gonna defend myself on this one

Praise Kink & Loss of Virginity— I’m nothing if not self-gratifying. It also feeds into my secretly innocent and vulnerable streak lol

PWP— this goes without explanation. Usually only for short fics/ oneshots tho. I do like plot predominantly

Dubcon/Noncon— this is a risky post but I’ve found thru psychoanalyzing myself that it helps me cope with trauma and lack of agency I’ve experienced in my life due to varying circumstances in a weird backwards way

Now for tropes I cannot fucking stand (respectfully…ish):

Omegaverse— I’ve been fortunate enough to never accidentally read one of these and am thankful for my continued blissful ignorance

Most AUs & Crossovers— idk I just feel like they’re silly and too ooc for me to enjoy (with the exception of the aforementioned historical au if executed well)

Crack fics— I need seriousness in my fics I’m sorry I can’t do overly zany

[kkf]

I’ve woken up with Ava Max’s “Sweet But Psycho” chorus in my head the last few days. My subconscious is definitely not trying to tell me something.

To be specific, it was the chorus:

Oh, she's sweet but a psycho

A little bit psycho

At night, she's screamin'

"I'm-ma-ma-ma out my mind"

Not the most comforting lyrics to wake up to. While contemplating my current mental health, I considered how my therapist would ask me to deconstruct that particular thought.

Which, because of my recent Buffy rewatch brain, eventually led me to think about how badly Buffy needed a therapist. In 144 episodes, she had only three brushes with mental health professionals. I’m going to set aside 6.14 “Normal Again,” because that not only does that episode merit its own post, but I also don’t have enough chocolate on hand to grapple with the mind fuck that is that episode. I’m just looking at 3.04 “Beauty and the Beast” and 7.07 “Conversations with Dead People.”

In season 3, Buffy is recovering from the implosion of her relationship with Angel. As a Bangel fan, it hurts me to write this, but the relationship from the point where Angel loses his soul is a metaphor for an abusive relationship (dude tries to kill her, her friends, her classmates, end the world…not a healthy route to take a relationship).

So as the season starts Buffy is traumatized from losing Angel and Jenny, as well as being the one who had to sacrifice the person she loved to save the world. After her three month sabbatical to LA, our girl CLEARLY needed some professional help to sort through everything. And for once, Buffy gets some of this help in the form of Mr. Platt, the school guidance counselor.

Buffy’s conversation with Platt is impressive when one considers how much ground he covers in such a short amount of time.

Of course, in true Buffyverse fashion, this help from a qualified professional only lasts about the 15 minutes it takes for him to become a victim of our latest monster of the week, a Jekyll-Hyde classmate whose own abusive relationship is meant to serve as a foil for that of Buffy and Angel. Buffy never gets professional help again. Until Holden, Buffy’s former classmate-turned therapist-turned newly risen vampire.

(Confession: I have a soft spot for Holden, because the actor who plays him was also in one of my favorite episodes of Firefly.)

Now Holden’s therapy session is an interesting blend of analysis and fisticuffs, as he IS a newly turned vampire and is, thus, evil. As he reminds us.

For this reason, Holden has a slightly more confrontational style when getting Buffy to open up. He challenges her, pushes her not to hold back. And as a result Buffy is open about her inferiority-superiority complex, which really, he says, is the root of the loneliness that Buffy feels. Being the Slayer makes her feel superior to her friends, however her performance as the Slayer makes her feel isolated and inferior. As Holden states, “it all adds up to you being alone.” But then goes on to argue that “everybody is until you die.”

Thinking about loneliness and isolation as recurring themes for Buffy, both of which are experiences trauma survivors tend to experience, I’m reminded about a recent YouTube short (which was originally a TikTok) that I saw which stated two pieces of food for thought. The first was that “the reason why we self sabotage is because it allows us to predict what is going to happen which gives us the illusion of control over our own pain” and the second was that “they’re not your type, they’re your pattern.”

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/fx12Lxxojvo

Buffy’s sabotaging patterns of behavior (choosing men who are centuries older than her for example, or men who she is in no danger of falling in love with) offer her the illusion of control over what kind of pain she is inviting into her life.

Additionally, Buffy’s patterns of behavior - the self isolation, the relationships she chooses, all of them work as ways of protecting herself. She chooses emotional isolation from her friends as a method of protecting herself from the possibility that they won’t understand the choices that she’s making or that they will call her out on repeating sabotaging patterns of behavior.

It’s not a coincidence that it’s someone outside her immediate social circle who calls her out on her pattern of choosing relationships where she doesn’t have to completely open up. As Holden is someone to whom she has weak social ties, Buffy is more likely to be receptive to new ideas coming from him than from someone within her close social circle.

Often, especially when starting therapy, the fact that the person you’re speaking with is someone who has no “horse in the race” enables a patient to be more open, not just to being completely honest with the therapist, but also to receiving feedback. With my own therapy experience, having a complete stranger validate that while my reactions to certain triggers were not disproportionate, they didn’t make me crazy. They didn’t make me broken.

I wish, looking back, that Buffy had more of an opportunity to interact with mental health professionals. The metaphor of the show is “growing up.” How much more interesting and helpful would it have been for young viewers to have seen that the patterns we can find ourselves in can be challenged. That we can change. That with a little help, we can stop feeling so “psycho.”

[badassxbirdy]

Edit: If I’ve unfollowed, refollowed, or you’ve softblocked, please see this post and let me know accordingly!

May Activity Update (Pinned Post)

It’s time once again for an activity update! If you’re new here: these monthly posts help me to keep track of what the frick I’ve been doing, particularly when tumblr breaks or the brainfog strikes. This update includes things posted or in drafts for the month of April. Everything else can be found in previous monthly updates under this tag. There’s also the thread tracker here.

The full activity update (along with OOC house keeping) is below the cut. Bold text = links.

If you want to see all IC interactions without the other stuff, click here. If you’d like to start something new, there are opens, memes, and the wishlist, or you can just hit up the DM’s. You can also add Ty on Wire for IC texting.

Now onto the update!

OOC Housekeeping:

I want to start doing more story arc development on Ty’s blog again, so expect a few posts about that to come soon.

Posted a round of opened starters, for anyone who doesn’t know: those are explained here.

I’m going to be tagging people in replies to get around the current notes issue and any others that may arise. If I forget to do it, I’ll shoot you a message instead.

Fixes for the notes issue can be found here and here for those who need it.

Thread tracker has (for the most part) been updated. Thanks to everyone who got back to my DM’s about old threads. ❤️

I still haven’t found the login for Ty’s discord. 🤦‍♀️ Until I do, tumblr DM’s or Ty’s Wire are the best ways to reach me both IC and OOC.

Threads, replies, memes, and other IC interactions:

(In alphabetical order by username)

At the motel (link) - @demcnsinmymind

Car trouble (drafted) - @demcnsinmymind

“You shouldn’t be out here all by yourself this late at night.” (link) - @demcnsinmymind

Ty takes Lance on a hunt! (drafted) - @demcnsinmymind

Birthday gift mischief: the peanut gag continues! 😂 (link) - @demcnsinmymind

Birthday gift mischief: a crossbow! (drafted) - @derschwarzeengel

Universe differences (drafted) - @derschwarzeengel

Ty is scarred for life. (link) - @derschwarzeengel

Damon shields Ty. (link) - @derschwarzeengel

The truth about Darklighters (queued) - @derschwarzeengel

Damon encounters Dark!Ty (drafted) - @derschwarzeengel

Getting out of jail (queued) - @derschwarzeengel

Roasting 50 shades (drafted) - @derschwarzeengel

Vampire!Damon (drafted) - @derschwarzeengel

Making their escape (queued) - @derschwarzeengel

“I wondered when you were going to wake up. You almost didn’t survive.” (link) - @drkroots (Shannon)

“Is there a reason you’ve been following me for an hour?” (drafted) - @drkroots (Deacon)

Kit offers a flower, Tyler says 👁👄👁 (link) - @florafound

Birthday mischief: baking unsupervised is probably a bad idea. 😂 (link) - @heavenguided

Meeting Captain Hook (link) - @hvbris

Ty is confused by Wednesday (drafted) - @hvbris

Birthday mischief: “hey! you didn’t tell me it was your birthday!” (drafted) - @imprvdente

FBI!Fish babysits Human!Ty (drafted) - @imprvdente

At the fair (link) - @indyflanery

Attempting to babysit the Doctor. 😂 (link) - @innerwar

Jokes with Charm (drafted) - @innerwar

A demon problem (drafted) - @magaprima

“Can I just be normal?” (link) - @nightiingaled (Mel)

Time for “The Talk” (link) - @nightiingaled (Mel)

Ty is ANGY and Proteus is BABY. (link) - @nightiingaled

Banishment gone wrong (link) - @normallyxstranger

The way out (drafted) - @razorfst

NO BEING BAIT. 😤 (link) - @unbearablyindifferent

Headcanon, dash games, and assorted silliness:

FMK poll results: Ty needs therapy. (link)

Ty’s favourite holiday (link)

“Would you still love me if I was a worm? 🥺” aka KilliTy being disgustingly cute. (link)

Sinday questions: One thing a partner should never do. (link)

Sinday questions: mood killer, how adventurous is she, one night stands, and one thing she’s dying to try. (link)

Sinday questions: does she crack jokes, does she get emotional, does she like to go out as aftercare, and physical affection/cuddling. (link)

Tyler can’t NOT make jokes. (link)

A gem from discord: Ty telling Killian about her arm scar. (link)

KilliTy moodboard by Rookito. 🥹 (link)

I think that’s everything! As always: please let me know if I’ve missed something. I never intentionally drop threads without notifying, rest assured that if it’s not here I simply have not seen it. Remember to be kind to yourselves, and hydrate your flesh prison. ❤️ — Em

[magioffire]

25 and 13

munday questions ; accepting

if  you  could  tell  your  muse  something ,  what  would  it  be ?

i would tell this little bastard so many things if i could. theres a lot of things he needs to hear, but would likely refuse to listen to. so i think the most important and effective thing to say to him would be just to tell him that its okay not to be in control all the time, its fine to let go a little bit and not hold on so tight, its okay to breathe and just be yourself sometimes.

which is all extremely hard for him because being something hes not is not just a matter of ego or personal taste or a malicious desire to manipulate people, its an attempt to survive. so i know it wouldnt be just that easy for him buuut. i think he would need to hear that. so that you can tell him to go get therapy and to stop being so self destructive AND regular destructive in a desperate plea for attention and help. like please please go see a psychologist fictional bug (what do i give him instead? i give him emotional issues and cock. just what he needs)

who  is  an  author  whose  writing  inspires  your  own ?

hmmm i wouldn’t say any one author has inspired me directly, theres been many different authors in my life that have played a part in developing my interest in writing. and i would actually say, much of my inspiration comes less from fiction and more from non-fiction sources, and i just let my imagination go the rest of the work. but sometimes you gotta read a good old fashioned novel in order to get new ideas on how to structure sentences, or ideas for how these authors structure plots and develop characters, thats mostly what i’m looking for in terms of ‘inspiration’ when it comes to reading for the sake of developing my own writing.

 when i was younger, i read a lot of vampire fiction, so a lot of anne rice (gag i know, but i was reading anne rice’s near incomprehensible purple prose in 5th grade and somehow *mostly* understanding it, so it gave me a taste for understanding very detailed orientated, sometimes very flowery writing and being able to intergrate more details into my writing without (hopefully) falling into the same pitfalls i saw her fall into)

 i read a lot of classic gothic fiction like bram stoker and edgar allen poe, you know, the basic stuff pretty much every edgy wanna be goth but too poor to actually be goth pre-teen reads. i remember reading a lot of c.s lewis work as a kid, mostly because it was ‘christian approved’ fantasy i could read in my private christian school and among my extended family without being judged for it, and that kinda opened up my mind to the world of fantasy. i enjoyed stuff like bridge to terabitha, a wrinkle in time, stuff where fantasy worlds live adjacent to the ‘real’ world.   i also read quite a bit of holly black and her various fae-centered novels, i was a little too old for the spiderwick chronicles by the time i got into her work, but i was there just in time for the tithe/valiant/ironside series which i LOVED and honestly set the seed in me for later on enjoying fae media and honestly. set the seed in me for fantasizing about having a fae boyfriend, or BEING the fae boyfriend.

 i read tolkien because i grew up watching the lotr movies with my mom, and getting through tolkiens material really made me appreciate movies LOL. i LOVED the last unicorn, both the animated move and the book. the specific genre of ‘cute animals killing eachother brutally in the forest’ which included redwall, warrior cats (at least the first few books i enjoyed), and watership down, i think those books instilled in me my joy of writing violence funnily enough.

 the pellinor series by alison croggon was a massive influence on my love of high fantasy and sprawling adventures over vast lands, her books were exactly the escape i needed at that point in time. i highly suggest her work to anyone who likes tolkien-esque high fantasy.

books like city of brass and reading the assorted stories of 1001 nights really got me interested in middle eastern fantasy, as i had not been exposed much to it before being a westerner. i started expanding my horizons beyond the sort of fantasy media that was ‘curated’ to me (as a white american who grew up christian) and branched out to stories that came from other parts of the world, or came from parts of the world that were familiar, but took inspiration from lesser known examples. i cant think of many examples off the top of my head because they were mostly anthology series i read, but it helped me develop a better impression of fantasy beyond the ‘mainstream’. i also started getting back into horror.

nowadays im primarily inspired by the work of terry pratchett, h.p lovecraft, holly black, susanna clarke, margaret rogerson, c. s. e cooney, tolkien, stephen king, mark z. danielewski (house of leaves changed me)  and toni morrison.

[ladycatofwinterfell]

Thoughts on the episode, as is tradition

This episode could have been the most insane yet if it hadn’t been for last week’s entry for the competition. I’m still recovering from episode 5 because what the hell. But now i can bury myself in new fun insanity so thanks for that episode 6

The opening scene was so unbelievably funny. Pure comedy. I love Real Rashid. I love Daniel and Real Rashid. The blank stare while Daniel is just desperately trying to come up with a way to get out of there alive. And Real Rashid being like well if you didn’t want to die why did you enter the vampire’s lair? Which is fair and what I was also thinking, thanks Real Rashid. Best character in the show and there’s competition. But also Raglan James talking about body switching… I know what you’re doing Mr. James, I’ve read the tale of the body thief (even tho i kinda wish i hadn’t), you’re not fooling me.

But now to the important things. Claudia bi????? Claudia wlw?????? Claudia sapphic???? I was well aware what the promotional material implied with her and Madeleine but I didn’t want to get my hopes up just in case. but let's gooooo. Claudia’s sweater vest outfit was real fucking gay and I say this as a lesbian who loves wearing sweater vests. I felt very seen. “Is it romantic?” “Not yet” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m obsessed. Going into this two months ago I didn’t see myself a Claudia/Madeleine shipper but sign me the fuck up. And dare I say they’re even better when you know what’s gonna happen to them. Armand asking how Madeleine’s gonna face immortality and I’m sitting there like a sicko wringing my hands together and going oh don’t worry there’s no need to plan for eternity. But also can we talk about how “the fantasy of happiness” played when Madeleine was walking into the shop and saw that Claudia had killed her attackers? Had to take a moment there. The same theme as when after she killed Charlie and when she finally gets a companion. Love that for her. My horrible little gremlin that commits atrocities and also has done nothing wrong ever actually <33 too bad Armand and everyone else believes she’s done something very wrong. And that there will be consequences to that. But for a second there she finally had someone who didn’t disappoint her and that loved her for her, not for what she symbolised to them.

So what was Louis and Armand up to this episode? Well in Dubai they’re going through a divorce, that’s fun for them. Them sitting with their legs crossed away from one another with Daniel opposite of them like they’re in couple’s therapy is also unfortunately very funny. They’re so dramatic, I love them. So the thing about Armand saying that Louis asked to have his memories removed is that 1. it could very well be true as Louis is known to avoid difficult things if possible and 2. it could very well be a lie as Armand is a known liar who lies, even if it’s sometimes lies by omission. I kinda have a hard time seeing why Louis would want to erase what he in San Fransisco claimed Daniel meant to them. He wanted Daniel alive as a testament to their companionship and then he wanted to forget it? Hmmmmmmm I don’t know. And we only have Armand’s word on it and Armand has something to gain with portraying it this way. And is also a liar. Telling Daniel drugs did more damage to his mind than the nights in San Fransisco as if he didn’t physically and psychologically torture him for almost a week. And then being like fine i’m sorry, stop being mad at me i was just doing what was best for everyone :( hahahahaha I love him. Also obsessed with him saying they can’t play games at this point in the story because it’s too important, as if he didn’t invent the game and played it all through the part of Louis’ story he wasn’t part of. So now, when we reach something that heavily concerns you and could make you look very very bad, we can’t play the game? Is that it, Armand? Truly?

So what was Louis and Armand up to in Paris this episode? A very very good question. Well Louis is domming the hell out of Armand while Armand just looks at him with the largest, saddest, most pathetic eyes ever. I’m going to take this opportunity and once again say that Assad Zaman is so incredibly beautiful and that I’m entranced by him. Can’t believe they teased us with a loumand sex scene and then we didn’t get it. I saw Lestat’s entire ass in episode 1. But then we did get Louis telling Armand to lie face down in the coffin so he could fuck him while he read a script. So that’s not nothing. Armand refusing to turn Madeleine, forcing Louis to do it instead was also not nothing. And knowing how it went down in the books I also feel like there are edits to how it actually was here too. It’s been clear the whole time we can’t trust everything in this story and after episode 5 it’s even more clear. Armand wanted Claudia gone and through the turning of Madeleine she would leave Paris. Through the entire episode Armand portrays himself as timid and without power but like… he does have power. Just because he puts himself in a submissive role doesn’t mean he’s not also the one in charge. He knew what the coven planned, he didn’t try to put a stop to it himself and he didn’t warn Louis about it. And we already know he doesn’t like Claudia so this all lines up a little too perfectly for him for it not to be at least a little intentional. And if they go with Lestat’s book version of events in some version of the trial (I believe I read somewhere that there will be more than one version) Armand kept Lestat in a dungeon until he was on the brink of losing his mind and told him what to say at the trial and orchestrated it so that Claudia would be declared guilty and executed.

I can’t not talk about the ending, as well. Because that certainly was an ending and knowing I have to wait another week for the next episode is actual fucking torture. But then I love episodes releasing weekly so I can think on them real hard and contemplate before the next. Anyway LESTAT!!!!!! He’s there!!!! Sitting in front of a mirror, preparing to enter the stage once more. Listen. Listen I know he’s going to be the villain again, as is his role in the story (as of now, at least. maybe it will change in the fiuture as it changed in the books idk), but it’s so good to see him. Let’s turn the tragedy for our main characters up to 11 babey. Let there be drama and betrayal and pain and let it be theatrical. Claudia and Lestat are both actors, after all. Like father, like daughter and they were in the same theatre company. Claudia de Lioncourt etc etc.

For a short second here I’m just going to operate on the assumption that Armand was the one who kept Lestat in the dungeon shown in some promotional material before the trial, like in the books. Did the coven figure out what they believed became of Lestat (that he died by Louis’ and Claudia’s hands) and then went to Armand with their demands, and Armand was just like yeah about that he survived the attempted murder and I actually have him in the basement. Or did they know the whole time? Or is it the coven that’s keeping him in the dungeon? Or since the timeline is changed in the show maybe he hasn’t been in the dungeon for very long. Because in the books he comes to Paris before Louis and Claudia and Armand keeps him locked up their entire stay there, which doesn’t end up being very long. So in the show he would have been down there for years. Which is enough to make anyone a little crazy. But considering the changes made in the show it might be that Lestat has more intention and then afterwards realises what he’s done.

The conclusion is that I don’t know exactly what will happen in the last two episodes despite having read the books and I’m very much looking forward to watching them no matter what they end up doing with this plot because it’s a genius show and I have faith in that it will be just as good as what I’ve seen so far