#I’m so tired. I don’t want to be anxious about this but apparently my body is making the rules! Damn her!!!

[shima-draws]

MANNNN my anxiety won’t QUIT. Send me some asks perhaps 🤲

[oldfashioned-lovergirl]

Can I request a ff where reader is lewis hamilton's wife. Like they are married and reader is pregnant then lewis made some mistakes that caused them to fight one night. Reader get so angry/sad and it just makes lewis worried so much about her and grovel A LOT. High angst and fluff towards the end would be cute. THANK YOUU

moth to a flame — LH44 x pregnant!reader

cw: jealous!lewis, pregnant!reader, angst, fluff

note: lewis is so the weeknd coded

masterlist

Your birthday party went well. Well, until your ex boyfriend showed up uninvited and Lewis went crazy about it. Apparently he just wanted to say hi, but the night ended with a physical fight.

When you came back home you were so mad you couldn’t look at him in the eyes, nor you could look at his wounded hand or at the cut on his eyebrow.

“Thank you for ruining my birthday.”

“Thank that prick of your ex.”

You threw your purse on the table. “Oh so it was his fault you pushed him first?”

“C’mon Y/N, he was clearly trying to fuck you.”

You turned to him with a disgusted look on your face. “Not even if he was the last man on earth. We were just talking. Can’t I talk to another man now?”

“He was standing way too close for someone who’s aware of your condition. I’m sorry, I saw red.”

Your gaze inevitably shifted down at your own belly. It’s been almost two months since you found out you were pregnant, so it wasn’t quite visible, though you could feel it very well. “And you think getting in the way between you and him couldn’t have hurt the baby?”

The realisation struck Lewis. “Oh my God, are you okay?” He tried to come closer but you stepped back.

“I’m tired of you being jealous of everyone. You’re supposed to trust me, you’re my husband. I…” You sensed tears in your eyes. Damn it, you didn’t want to cry again. “I should feel safe with you but instead I just feel anxious all the time.”

Lewis came close to hug you. “Don’t. Leave me alone.” You fought back, wiping your eyes with your hands, but that just caused him to strengthen the grip on you until you gave up and abandoned you in his arms. There was no point in trying to fight him.

“You’re right, that was stupid, I fucked up your birthday.” He laid a kiss on your forehead, slowly caressing your hair. “I’m gonna take you some water.”

He escorted you on the sofa and brought you a glass of water from the kitchen. He covered you with a blanket and sat next to you. He touched your cheek with his palm while you drank the water and then put it on the table in front of you.

“Better?” He asked.

“Better.” You looked at him. He had that Bambi look in those big brown eyes and trying to resist it was vain.

You suddenly realized his wounds were still hurting. You sighed. “Bring me bandages and something to disinfect that cut.”

“I’m good, I don’t need–“

“Lewis.” You interrupted him firmly.

He stayed silent. He then nodded, stood up and did as you told him. It certainly wasn’t a good time to contradict you.

When he came back on the couch, you began dabbing his face gently with a wad of cotton dipped in the solution. “He was such a dick.”

A corner of his mouth curved in a little agreeing smile. “Indeed he was.”

You carefully put a band-aid on his eyebrow, then proceeded bandaging his hand. He was watching every actions of yours. You understood he was actually sorry for what he did and you couldn’t help but forgive him. His intentions towards you were kind hearted after all.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re my life. You both are.” His bandaged hand slid down on your belly.

Your hand joined his. “And you’re mine. You know I wouldn’t trade you for anyone else in the world.”

You laid on the couch and he followed you, resting his head on your chest and his body next to yours, careful not to press his weight on your womb.

Your fingers travelled in his soft braided hair. “Besides, there’s nothing about him you should be jealous of. You have everything he doesn’t have.”

“You mean a beautiful wife?”

“I was about to say seven world championships, but I guess a beautiful wife will do as well.”

You both laughed.

He squeezed you more with his arms around your back, turning serious once again. “How are you feeling?” He asked, although he was the injured one.

“Don’t worry, it was nothing.” You stroke his back with your hand. He was so strong, it felt so good having him curled against you like that. You couldn’t imagine anybody else to build a family with.

“I was scared I hurt you. I don’t want to fight. Not only for the baby, I don’t ever want to fight with you.” He kissed your abdomen and buried his face in your neck.

“It’s okay, you could never hurt me.”

[percsane]

— nobody ges me ☆

pairing: riri williams x blk afab reader

content: slight wakanda forever spoilers, swearing, slightly toxic riri?, fluff

summary: riri finally meets someone who gets her, and she’ll do anything to not lose her.

kendall’s note: this is inspired by ‘nobody gets me’ by sza! pls be gentle on me this my first time writing in a while LMFAO, anyway happy reading loves

(♡) or rb! :)

riri noticed you in her differential equations class. you were the only person who could keep up with her. she would see you in the hallways, the library, the cafeteria.

you seemed to keep to yourself, kinda like her.

she had taken a liking to you and started to ask about you. apparently you were just as smart as she was, you had straight a’s and you’ve always been a smart girl.

she liked that you guys shared your knowledge.. but she wanted to know you. so she walked up to you one morning in the library.

“hey.”

it was the first one she had uttered to you, you looked up from your books to see, her.

riri williams. the girl you’ve had a crush on for god knows how long now. you loved her brain, how smart she was and you admired her for it. you always wished she would’ve noticed you but.. damn. she really did.

“hi.” you murmured back, a lopsided grin on your face.

she sat down next to you and started to make conversation. you guys had ended up talking for the rest of the day, from staying in the library, walking each other to classes, going to lunch!

it was nice for you both, it was like you really got each other.

after a few months you and her got closer and became very close friends. though, you thought she was cute and adored her, you didn’t know if she felt the same and you really didn’t want to risk losing her, so you tucked it down.

riri on the other hand was going crazy thinking about you all the time. every time you guys hung out, she couldn’t help but get lost in daydreams about being with you.

you were slowly but surely getting tired of these feelings for riri, feeling it wasn’t mutual. so you went on a date with a girl in your differential equations class who had been feeling you for a hot minute.

that same day riri decided she needed to talk to you.

riri bby: yo (y/n) 9:46 pm

you didn’t even take a minute to respond back.

you: hey wsp riri? 9:46 pm

you were anxious.

riri bby: we need to talk. 9:47 pm

okay… now you were really anxious.

you: um alright.. come over. 9:47 pm

not even a minute later you heard 3 knocks at your door, knowing it was riri you opened it, prepared to greet her before she interrupted you.

“so you’re going out with a girl huh.” she says, more as a statement than a question. “damn, no hi?” you say closing the door and crossing your arms, a little thrown back that she didnt even greet you, she looked annoyed and she hadn’t even been standing there for a minute.

“answer my question (y/n).” the tension grows thicker with the silence in the room. you finally speak up. “and if i am? i’m not in a relationship.” you say with a raised eyebrow.

you can see riris eyebrows furrow as you speak. “so? you know how i am about you.” she says seriously, making you scoff. “actually, i don’t know shit riri.” you spit venom when saying her name, like as if it was a curse, like it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

riri gets closer to you, and looks you in your eyes as she does. “well you know now. look ion know why i ain’t say shit before.. and i’m sorry ma. but i really am feeling you, i have been for a while now.” she looks in your eyes for any sense of.. well anything.

you smile a bit before looking up at her. “you know that ‘date’ wasn’t an actual date. yeah she asked me out but i told her i already liked someone else.. her and i just hung out as friends riri.” you chuckle seeing the sight of relief in her eyes. you thought her being jealous was cute.

she hugs you tight and you can smell her vanilla perfume you bought her from bath & body works. “you ain’t going nowhere ight? i’m crazy about you mami.” she whispers before peppering kisses along your neck, making you smile and hum, she grabs your face after pulling away from your neck to make eye contact with you.

“nobody gets me like you.” she smiles.

[matsmurdock]

obligatory sick fic

Hi again, today I come to you with a sick fic!

You can also find this fic on my ao3 <3 Enjoy!

Words: 1051

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Female reader

credits for the picture: murdocklovebot on twitter

The first thing you felt when you woke up was how gross and clammy you felt. It was apparently early morning, your alarm hadn’t even rung yet, so you were annoyed by that too. You moaned when you tried to turn around to face Matt but realized your entire body ached, the sheet was sticking to you body and you felt cold because of the dry sweat. You saw Matt starting to wake up but couldn’t keep your eyes open because of how tired you were.

“Good morning” Matt said, leaning in to kiss your forehead, that made you moan again because it felt like your body would break just from the featherlight kiss. “God, you’re burning up sweetheart” Matt whispered.

“No, I’m cold” you mumbled in the cover.

“I think you might be running a fever, you’re very sticky” Matt said brushing your hair out of your face. “I’m going to get you some water and Tylenol.” You mumbled a thank you as he got up and left to go fetch you a glass of water in the kitchen.

You felt as though your brain was trying to escape through the front of your face with how much it was aching. You reached for your phone to look at the time and groaned when you saw that it was nearly time for you to get up and start working, you tried sitting up in bed, but felt what little energy you had drain out of you. You heard Matt coming back from the kitchen, and went to get up from the side of the bed when you heard him exclaim his disagreement.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he asked coming towards you, “You shouldn’t be moving right now.” He laid the glass of water of the side table and pushed you back down on the bed. Everything started spinning, so you welcomed the comfort of the bed under you.

“I have work soon.”

“I’ll send them an e-mail or something, you’re not getting up until your fever’s down”, he said, reaching for the glass and helping you take your Tylenol pill.

“I’ll be fine, this is going to help thank you.” He shook his head. “I’ll take a vitamin tablet too and I’ll be alright in no time I think I’m just tired but I’ll be fine Matty.”

“Either you’re staying in bed or I’m calling Claire”, he threatened.

“I haven’t seen her in a long time, maybe we’ll drink coffee together and make you look like a clown because I’m just having a slow morning.”

“I think you caught Peter’s flu, and you saw how sick he was” Matt said, rubbing his finger up and down your arm. “I don’t want you to be that sick if we can avoid it.”

“It won’t be that bad” you tried, but knew it wouldn’t work. “Maybe I can just work from the bed.”

“You’re not going to work at all, you need to sleep this off.” Matt said. “I’m going to call Foggy and tell him I’ll be working on my cases from home.”

“You don’t have to stay home for me, I can manage.”

“I don’t trust you to take care of yourself, actually.” And ouch, that kind of hurt but you knew he wasn’t wrong. “Y/n, please let me take care of you today. If you feel better tomorrow, then we’ll see about work.”

You thought about it and how anxious it made you to miss work. You had never missed work; you even went to work on a sprained ankle one day to spare yourself the stress and trouble it would entail. Part of the reason why you never missed work was because you knew your boss was a hardass when it came to sick days. But to be fair, it was probably irresponsible to work when you were this sick. The room wouldn’t stop spinning, so you didn’t even know how you’d manage to write emails all day long. You could try for a half day, but you knew Matt would sooner call your boss and let them know how he felt about this than let you do it. You sighed. “Okay, yeah, let me just send an email.”

“I can do it for you.”

“Matt, please.”

“I’ll get you your laptop but then you’re going back to sleep.”

He went back to the living room to get your laptop from the little desk area you’d arranged for yourself after Matt once again forced you to, because you didn’t want him to think you were taking over his own space. He’d shut that shit down so fast you didn’t even have time to blink before he moved some of his stuff over to make room for yours. He got you your laptop, you sent an apologetic email to you HR telling them you had the flu and would be up and at it again tomorrow, but until then you were on forced bed rest. You were so tired that you couldn’t find it in yourself to feel bad about it for now, only thinking about the nap you were going to take as soon as you were done with this. You closed your laptop again and put it on your side table. You put your head back on your pillow and wrapped yourself in the duvet cover. Matt kissed your forehead before going to fill up your glass again. A whine escaped your lips without your consent when he made to leave, he stopped in his tracks.

“Do you need something, what’s wrong?” he asked, a frown between his eyebrows.

“Can you stay with me for now?” you asked, feeling shy suddenly. This was humiliating. You hated being sick because it made you feel and act like a helpless child. “I’m cold and I’m sleepy” you continued, feeling small and keeping your eyes closed to not face Matt’s judging face.

“Oh sweetheart,” you heard him say, and you opened your eyes again. He was coming to sit next to you, his hand coming to brush your hair. “Of course I’ll stay with you.” You thanked you and took his hand to hold it. You turned a little to face him, still holding his hand and before you knew it you were drifting of to sleep.

Thank you for reading, hope you liked it!!

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Just a massive rant and mental health pity party

I know I’m mentally ill, and I know I’m pretty incapable of a lot of things, but because I am on the dsp and I don’t work and I don’t really DO anything, I think it’s easy for me to forget how mentally ill I am. Because my “routine” isn’t affected by my mental illness. Because my routine is just being at home. I can be depressed and miserable and not shower for a week or not look after myself and it doesn’t really affect me. I’m in my room anyway. I’m at home anyway. I just sleep when I need to.

But then when I try and step out and do things and get to the point where I’m integrating more external things into my routine I’m just smacked in the face with how inept I actually am. Though I know that probably just sounds like I’m extremely lazy and I probably am. I think the things that are going to stop me are my ocd or ptsd or body image issues. And they do. But it seems so often it’s just a combination of my depression and anxiety that prevent me from doing anything. I’m just genuinely so tired all the time. It gets to the point where thinking about catching the bus and then catching the train makes me want to sleep. Or I get so anxious over the idea of being outside for that long with no quick way home that I make myself exhausting. I think of the next day and the next day and the next day and the next day and I’m just so inhibited by fear and tiredness. I shut down. I just go to bed.

And I partly know why. I know I’m alive for the sole purpose that one, I’m apparently too chicken to make any of my attempts more then an overdose because I don’t want to traumatise anyone, and I feel as though death is something I’m not allowed access too because again it will traumatise those around me. So I just feel stuck here , waiting. And there are times where I TRY to better myself or do things that are fulfilling or enriching or might make life something I want for myself and not just other people. But they are either extremely superficial (like buying books) or I can do them once and then suddenly the thought of ever doing it again sends me into a spiral (like the course or going to a play). And I just can’t do it. I want to retreat back into my room, close my eyes and forget about everything. Because I’m weak and I’m a coward and I have no backbone. As soon as that prickling feeling hits me I close my eyes and go to sleep. Because sleep IS my death. It’s the death I’m allowed access to. But I’ve also been doing it for so long that genuinely my body has little energy. It’s so accustomed to sleeping that now even when I’m not stressed or upset I’m still tired.

It makes me fall into this weird pit of feeling less guilty in some areas and more in others. A part of me is like , ah see! You really do need the dsp. You really are very mentally ill. It’s okay. And then another part of me is like you need it for THIS???? What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just go out and do things. If you don’t force yourself it’s never getting better. You will be stuck in your room forever. Rotting away as the world goes around. Ageing into nothingness. Finding nothing worthwhile in life. Having no dreams or aspirations or goals and achievements. Just rotting flesh. No friends, no connections, no job, nothing.

But I feel so unbelievably apathetic to try anymore. Because whenever I DO try it’s so short lived. I said I wanted to complete this course so I could have completed SOMETHING since high school. So I could look back on my birthday and think at least I did something. But even that’s fallen through. I want to just throw in the towel, and shut myself away from the world because I’m exhausted. I feel this deep seated tiredness that just never seems to go away. Even now I feel like I can hardly keep my eyes open and the only reason I’m pushing through is because I’m hoping the tingling and other somatic pains that are crushing me because of my emotions will go away.

It so often feels like life was a gift given that I had no choice in and have no way of returning. I feel so unbelievably stuck and pathetic. Like there is just no point in trying to get better or make plans or push myself because I always let myself down and can’t do it anyway.

[bellygunnr]

Soybean Sonata

What Takumi doesn't say is this--

On nights his father runs deliveries, he prepares the tofu. Somewhere between his day job, sleeping, and driving, he is processing soy beans. Not for the first time, not with enthusiasm, but with less complaint than he had when he was younger.

What he doesn't say--

Business has been better ever since he's started racing. The kind of better that requires two bodies, but not a help wanted sign. The kind that improves the craft now that success is both tangible and profitable. From catering to hotels to restaurants to the gas station down the street. Apparently, car-touted brand deals are a tale as old as time.

What he doesn't say is--

Living in a tofu shop doesn't inherently mean you smell like soybeans, it just means you're arm deep in the water, more involved than ever before. He doesn't know why. He can say no. His father wouldn't mind-- but something is wrong with him. He has a cracked moral code. This is what pays for gas and bills and tires, this is how he got to Project D.

And he can't say--

I made this, as he lifts the crate of bottled soy milk. As he passes it around, lets other people partake. I did this, goes unsaid, because the tofu shop isn't supposed to be a lifestyle. It's just a fun detail. A unique origin story. There's nothing to defend, to get sentimental of.

It's just that he asks Ryosuke about promoting the shop on that website of his. An address and an image, if you want. He's learned more and more about business and economics since getting more involved and the hunted look in his father's eyes has meaning now.

"I don't see why not," Ryosuke says, like he doesn't run the entire show. "I'll do that as soon as I can. Tell me, is this something your father requested?"

Takumi grins, a bared teeth grimace. "My father wouldn't do that, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. He's not above already using Project D to bring in customers."

"Is that so," Ryosuke says, like it's something to recalculate.

But Takumi leaves before he figures out what. There's still practice, after all.

But he does say:

"Fujiwara Tofu, how may I help you?"

"Fujiwara! How are you doing?"

It takes him a moment to place the voice. Behind him, the bell on the door rings. Another customer, this one with a child.

"I'm alright. A little busy, Fumihiro. What's up?"

He doesn't mean to be curt, but he's keeping an eye on the storefront, offering a shy smile to the toddler as they stare past the display to squint at him with curious suspicion.

"Right, I'll be quick. Keisuke's on his way to the shop. I just thought you'd want a heads up. Am I right?"

Takumi is above vocalizing whatever emotion he's feeling in the moment. He can't tell if he's mad or surprised or disgruntled, or maybe just plain surprised, because he's never actually interacted with the Project outside of racing.

"That's-- yeah, very helpful. Thank you, Fumihiro. I need to let you go."

It feels a little rude, but the pressure of people hovering at the register makes him anxious. He hangs up with a click and hurries out, tightening his apron, smile falling back into place because tofu employee Takumi is happier than normal Takumi.

He wonders when Keisuke is going to arrive. Where he's going to park. Customers come and go, purchasing both lunch and food for later, enough so that in the next lull he's having to actually cook, which is stressful enough on its own.

And, secretly, he's trying to outperform his dad, because maybe if he can't outrun the Impreza on the road, he can do it here.

He's entirely unaffected by events in his life, obviously.

The door chimes. Takumi looks up and feels his face do something funny. Fumihiro had mentioned Keisuke-- but not the entire Project D service van. In vain, he searches for his father's car, then dashes that hope.

He does not want his dad meeting them, no way.

"Welcome," Takumi says tonelessly.

Wasn't he cooking? He checks on the little cubes of tofu. Burnt undersides greet him.

"I didn't think this place was real," he hears Kenta say, in vague awe. "Damn. It's kind of--"

"It's nice," Keisuke says loudly, like he's lying. "What are you making, Fujiwara?"

"Lunch, apparently."

Takumi flips the burnt tofu over. If he gets this side right, then he can just eat it himself, right? In the corner of his eye, he sees Kenta staring into the lone refrigerator. Tomiguchi and Matsumoto file in a moment later, which eases his nerves, somehow.

"...Your lunch looks a little scorched," Keisuke says. "Anyway. Aniki wanted to ask about promotional material. You care if we do that?"

What. Hurriedly, Takumi scrapes his food onto a spare plate. As he turns around, a small mound of items have been placed on the register. Rotely, he starts going through them, frowning.

"Promotional material?"

Because Takumi had asked about advertising the shop a little bit...

"You know. He wants to put something on the website for it. Pictures and stuff. That's why we're here."

Really, they shouldn't be able to rack up a bill this impressive. Takumi wordlessly continues to check them out.

"Yeah. We're gonna bring the FD here next week, too. Think of it as a collab," Matsumoto says with a smile.

"Sure, that sounds... fun," he says at length.

He forgot that by asking Ryosuke anything, he's going to receive the world. If his dad doesn't kill him, whatever these guys have in store will.

[minseologs]

[LOG]

I thought this leave of absence was suppose to make me better and that it’s good for my health. I’m just feeling anxious now because I’m not used to having a schedule—

I get bouts of headaches since that head injury, and I’m finally only realizing the long term effects of it. I feel like I’ve been having more frequent memory lapses lately. I honestly didn’t think anterograde amnesia lasts that long on a minor head trauma… nonetheless, I don’t remember this picture Jinwoo…

One thing that changed: I feel like everyone is getting back to me because I really do have time in my hands. Or is it because of the fact I’m not working in the office? I talked to Yohan lately. But it’s been different, I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like a sudden wall was built between us. I just wished he told me whats wrong so I could fix it… if he lets me— that is. One thing I feel like I can’t fix is the one with Cash though…

Another: Siho. Apparently her father was killed. I need to investigate that… she’s too fast to catch— like a homeless cat. Always on a prowl. Then again she never wanted my help. I Can never tell with that girl. She comes back from time to time. And then Xian and then Li. He said his grandparents were in town. It’s nice to see him so happy. He paints. I remember that. Xian invited me in his business trip about some award show. He told me he didn’t know if he was going to get an award but I notice as if he wished he didn’t. I could feel it.

Which brings me to the next thought I have. I feel gentle paranoia anytime I’m no where near Wenhan since the whole incident with his father. I’ve confined that man like a sardine, except he’s still not caught and is waiting to be tinned— which I won’t let him be subjected to such thing. I just need to get over this stupid medical additions I have. Or be stronger at least. My last resort is using my body as armor. I wonder if he’s tired of me looking over near by. Maybe he’s being nice. Does he really have a choice while he heals? I want to express my concerns but I don’t want to annoy him. I’ve been getting him trinkets from my walks… I wonder if he notices the small piles of nonsense I leave. I don’t know. I’ve been accompanying reading books with him so that feels nice. … I think he’ll be okay for one night, right?

I can’t believe I’m writing this much. Therapy has been a drag. Maybe Yohan was right… I just need to get out of the house…

[crashingwavesinmyworld]

Telling my mom about how my paranoia and anxiety has gotten worse and how I don’t feel safe in my own house or anywhere and wish she could just meet me in the middle when it comes to just doing one thing I ask her to help me feel less anxious (wear a fucking mask which she admitted to not doing today when she went somewhere and I know there are other times she hasn’t even if she doesn’t tell me but IM LITERALLY JUST ASKING FOR ONE THING

she told me I’m crazy and full of shit, the other day she called me psycho when I said after taking one of my anti anxiety meds that I still felt very anxious and on edge she’s like really you seem better to me and not psycho like you have been lately

This just in having panic and anxiety attacks and my whole body hurting because of it makes me psycho!!!! Being paranoid makes me psycho!!! Please don’t let anyone tell you that. Anyone reading this it’s not true. Having mental illness does not make you crazy. And you deserve someone to truly listen and care about you not dismiss your concerns the way everyone does to me

Oh apparently I’m also worth being treated like I’m dirt on the ground because I cried in public (last month when my mom was in the hospital and almost died) I wasn’t even full on sobbing or making a scene but I guess that makes me crazy too just crying being teary eyed and instead of asking if I’m okay just treat me like garbage and they are only nice to me now because they were told to be not because they actually are a good person, I can’t trust anyone and I don’t know why I’ve wasted so much time on people who will never care about me but I also don’t blame them I’m too much of a mess to stick around for. No matter how good of a friend I try to be my mental health always gets in the way and no one will ever see me as worthy of sticking around for. Even my own mom thinks im crazy and has even told me to just unalive myself already and get it over with so I can’t expect anyone else to love me it even my own mom is sick of me and I can’t bring up any of the toxic things she’s said it done without her acting like she’s the victim being turned into a villain unfairly but tbh she has been a fucking villain just because she’s also done good things for me it doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be upset or call out the hurtful things she’s said and done!!!!! I just wish it could be over. I don’t want to go through this pain anymore I can’t deal with it anymore I’m so tired

[eclectic-flower-child]

Things my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder causes me to do {OCD}

- have extreme anxiety to the point of hyperventilating ( for no apparent reason)

- Do things twice or multiple times because the first didn’t “feel right.”

- Become anxious and distraught because I had a “gut feeling” something bad would happen - in a situation where there was nothing for me to worry about at all.

- Do things a certain amount of times because “if you don’t, something bad will happen.”

- Lock the door every night - even if I can see that it’s already locked, I will unlock it and lock it again.

- Run through my day in my head before I can get out of bed.

- Shower in a certain order (EX. shampoo, conditioner, body wash - never ever body wash first.)

- Have extreme anxiety if I don’t give in to my compulsions and obsessive thoughts.

- Not being able to let something go - running it through your mind over and over and over again with no control of your thoughts.

And a whole slew of other things. I’m tired of people generalizing OCD for just wanting things to be neat and clean all the time. While it can be that, it can also be a lot of other things. People glamorize OCD, thinking that if you had it, your life would be so much more organized, and clean, and neat. That assumption is so much more wrong than i can express. OCD is hard. OCD is living with that extra voice in your head, telling you everything that could go wrong, or making basic tasks so much more difficult than they have to be.

Before I was diagnosed, I used to think that using OCD, as a synonym for neat, wasn’t bad. But I didn’t know what was causing me to feel this way all the time, and I never wished it upon anyone. When I found out the struggles I had were from OCD, it became clear to me that the use of a psychological condition as a synonym for clean, was wrong. And in a way, yeah it kinda offends me, because people do not know how hard living with OCD is.

To sum it up, be kind, and respectful, and patient with mental health.

[jodilin65]

I’m truly frustrated as fuck. I’m so tired of the way I have suffered nearly every single fucking day for a decade from some kind of shit or another. If I’m not anxious, I’m tired or there’s something else. But my hands are tied. Because of Tom, I can’t end my misery. I still care more about what he wants more than what I want, but oh, how I wish I would get something that would kill me! I know that won’t happen, though. I trust my intuition too much not to believe I don’t have many years ahead. They will be tough but they’re there until I just can’t take it anymore.

The same thing happened last time around only this time I woke myself up snoring at 5.5 hours into my sleep rather than 3.5. Also like the last time, it took me an hour or so to get back to sleep.

Again I find it hard to believe this is all one big coincidence and that nothing’s been cursing my sleep in one form or another all my life. It’s like with the dream premonitions. After you have a few you think it’s a neat coincidence. But when a few become dozens you know it’s not.

We looked at snoring backpack pillows where you wear this vest-like thing with a cushion in the middle of your back to keep you off your back. It seemed a bit bulky and uncomfortable. When Tom did additional research, he found someone who said to just tape a tennis ball to your back. Well, I was thinking I may start with one of those small plastic containers I store my diamonds in for diamond painting. This way it wouldn’t be anything bulky and annoying but I would definitely notice it if I shifted on to my back.

This doesn’t mean I still wouldn’t wake up to pee or for no apparent reason and struggle to fall back asleep. Having my sleep broken up is such a killer on me. The older I get, the harder it is on my body. My biggest concern right now is how hard it’s going to be to get to my appointment on the 13th. I’m going either way because it’s a very important appointment but I just wonder how exhausted I’m going to be that day. At least it’s close!

I’m just starting to feel traces of burning again down there too, which tells me dryness wasn’t my only issue as I suspected. It’s probably connected to whatever was raising the WBC count in my pee.

Different subject. A sick twisted bitch I call Termite Tammy.

This poorly written 2009 message from my dear sister said, “you should of jumped from a higher window and saved your family all this hurt and grief.”

And this is someone I forgave and let back into my life for nearly a decade?! Shame on me!!! Really, WTF was I thinking???

My eyes are now wide open to my past stupidity but I’m ashamed and even embarrassed to know how long it took me to finally stop giving toxic people not only second chances but third chances and sometimes even more. I guess sometimes we just want to believe that people really are aware of their mistakes and are determined to change. But they’re not aware of them and even if they are, they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong and they’re not about to change for anyone or anything.

When I first started editing the part for my blog where she and her brood pulled their twisted shit on me in the summer of 2009, I kind of laughed and shook my head at just how childish and utterly insane they were and will no doubt always be when reading back on some of the nasty shit they sent me that I copied into journals. I mean it was just fucking ridiculous. Forget just immature, it was completely asinine and dumber than dumb. These people can’t even write much less make sense or know what the hell they were even talking about. On top of the stupidity was the sheer evilness and vindictiveness.

But when I got to that part about jumping, the giggles turn to anger and this time more at myself than at the termite because I should have known better than to let someone like that back into my life when I knew damn well what she was capable of in the past. She caused me so much trouble throughout my life but there I was, oh so nice and oh so forgiving, always wanting to try again as if a miracle could happen and they’d be anyone but who they always were.

Despite the cruelness of her words, I’m also glad I read that because it was the final clincher in getting myself not to care about those who don’t care about me which I’ve been working on for a while now. So no, I don’t want to hear from Nane because I’m finally smart enough to know better and to know that we would only get into another argument in the future and one of us would dump the other. And no, I don’t want to hear from Maliheh either or anyone else I’ve ever had problems with online or in person. From this day forward, one strike and you’re out! I don’t care how much history we may have. I don’t care how apologetic you may be and how much you swear never to repeat your mistakes.

[notoriousdks]

Took the plunge and wrote my first, little fan-fiction. No beta-reader, so be gentle! Any & all feedback is welcome and appreciated!

It’s Remotely Plausible I Could Show You (AO3)

Scully heard a knock at her door. She peered out of the peephole to see Mulder patiently waiting with a slightly anxious look on his face. Her heart sank as she thought oh god, he wants to talk…he wants to let me down easy… After they slept together, she quietly fled Mulder’s apartment before he woke to give herself much needed alone time to process her feelings. Feelings of deep love and adoration that she harbored for this man, but had no expectation of ever being reciprocated. Feelings of inadequacy and self doubt — she found herself coming back to the same train of thought: this was just sex, there’s no way he feels anything more… there’s no way he feels the same way about me as I do about him. Apparently a few hours was all the time she would get before she had to face the cold, hard reality of the talk she would much sooner ignore. Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, she slowly opened the door with a soft smile. All she could bring herself to say upon seeing Mulder in her doorway was, “Hi.” Uhhhggg, Dana. You moron. Hi!?! That’s your opener?! What are you, a doofy teenager?! she immediately chastised herself.

“Hey, Scully,” Mulder stated. He noticed a slight expression of annoyance on Scully’s face. Suddenly swept across Mulder’s face. He quickly said, “Sorry, I should have called first. I should just go,” motioning down the hall.

“No!” Scully responded more eagerly than she intended. She took another calming breath and paused her internal self-flagellation, replacing her annoyed expression with a slightly nervous smile, “No, it’s okay. Come on in,” stepping aside and holding the door open wider to allow Mulder to pass through.

With a quick and seemingly nervous movement, Mulder stepped into Scully’s apartment. “Scully, I…” Mulder stammered.

“It’s okay, Mulder,” Scully cut him off and felt all of her feelings of inadequacy erupt out before she could catch herself, “I know why you’re here and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have instigated. I hope my lapse in judgement last night won’t jeopardize our working relationship or our friendship.”

“Scully..” Mulder attempted to interject.

“I mean, it’s not that it didn’t mean anything to me. It did…actually mean something…to me,” Scully trailed off briefly, regretting her words but knowing there was no going back from this, “…but I don’t want you to feel like you have to reciprocate because I couldn’t keep my composure. I know I’m not exactly your type and…”

Before Scully could continue, she found Mulder in her personal space, deeply kissing her and gently rubbing her cheeks with his thumbs. Scully felt herself melt, humming softly in approval. With his hands still cupping her cheeks, Mulder broke the kiss and looked deeply into her eyes for a moment. He softly confessed, “Dana, I love you. I have loved you since you walked through my office door seven years ago. I will love you long after you’ve grown tired of me. I will love you until the bitter end.”

Scully wrapped her arms around Mulder’s neck and kissed him with everything she had. His arms snaked around her waist, pulling her closer than either thought possible. As Scully poured her heart into the kiss, she felt the rest of her body aching for more. When she finally needed to come up for air, she felt her mischievous side kick into high gear. Scully backed away from Mulder, slowly inching towards the bedroom with a sly grin “Mulder, you can be down right infuriating sometimes, but I don’t think I’m ever going to get tired of you… because I love you, too… more than I can even begin to explain”. Scully slinked closer to her bedroom door, “But I think, it’s remotely plausible, that I could show you just how much I love you” she flirted. Mulder closed the gap between them, his dark eyes fixed on Scully as though he could pounce on her at any moment. His hand grazed his familiar spot on her lower back, ushering her into the bedroom. The door snicked closed behind them.

[yolkcheeks]

Here is the cycle. [I hate to even write it out and acknowledge it but I gotta get it out of my head somehow]

I am finally getting somewhere with what I’m working on- homework or game or personal project- when it is a reasonable time for bed. I am going to stay up a little longer and wrap this up/wind myself down/get my dailies.

It is a good bit later. Drat. If I go up now it will probably disturb the sleeper and I know I’m not lay still tired. But I do want to sleep better. I’ll just finish this part I am on right now, take my evening medication, and still get a kinda okay amount of sleep.

I’m gonna do it. If I finish this one thing it will probably be enough time for deep sleep to have set in.

The thing cascades into something else. Awfuckitsafteroneagain. Okay I can still make it to bed at a late but not insane time. I’m gonna be upstairs by the next round interval.

Well, by the half hour/hour.

Ugh get up get up get up get up the cat will forgive you get up please please look at the time

Look

At

It

Dripping like wet sand between your fingers. FUCKSAKES get up.

It is now stupid late. My body is screaming from sitting in one position for hours. I have missed out on all the cuddles. I am in so much pain. I’m only just now taking my meds and sometimes forget them and then purposefully don’t bother to go back because I am so mad and disappointed that I can’t bring myself to do one more round trip for something forgotten.

I lay in bed head full of neon runoff and body full of pain. Sometimes the cat is feeling playful and expressing that by being maximally annoying in hopes I will spring out of bed to throw her toy. I want to cry. No position feels comfortable. My hand is numb? Since when is this another thing my body just does? My brain won’t turn off. Somehow, I fall asleep.

I wake up groggy and sleep in then snooze several times and eventually start coffee and morning meds about two hours after the goal time I set myself last night [this mornin]

If it is a school day I work on my homework and it takes up the entirety of my time up until I need to leave for class.

I am always cutting it close- my commute is 15 minutes longer this semester due to metro authority fuckery and my brain is absolutely sure that leaving one hour before will be fine. I plan to leave earlier, to compensate for this, and then something else happens with the bus or whatever.

Last week apparently it was a shooting? I only found out from hearing about it from classmates/the news. I’m not even particularly perturbed since like, who hasn’t been late to work because of someone on the tracks? We know what that means. I try not to let the absence of a anxious reaction inspire a new anxiety to take root.

Class happens and commute happens and sometimes even food happens but then it is late evening and I haven’t had any recreational time. I deserve a little winding down.

Or if it is not a school day I struggle to get anything done all day and start working diligently as the sun moves from low to orange, and I’m gonna get this all done! Catch up! Be ahead!

And sometimes I really do get it all done before I decide I deserve a little break, a little hehe video time…

Awfuckiitsoneagain

[calamityandme]

I have been soooo productive today holy shit.

I treated myself to coffee from Starbucks today. They accidentally made my chai tea with a double shot hot instead of iced. They said they could make it iced and asked if I wanted the hot one. I said why not, and called and asked my mom if she wanted a drink.

I took the drink to her office and I got to talk to her for a bit. Her new office is a lot nicer than her old one. It’s a legit office. I hope they don’t work her too hard. It was nice spending time with her.

After that I picked up a grocery order. I was exactly on budget with my $98 order. We got some of the little things that would help with meals at home. Like frozen meals I can eat, heavy cream, poptarts for Danny, things like that. Just to tide us over until payday.

When I got home I smoked, drank my chai tea, then got to work. I finished listening to my Gerald’s Game audiobook today. Thank god it’s over lol. It was interesting but terrible. I started my Graveyard Book audiobook by Neil Gaiman. I love when audiobooks are read by the author.

I vacuumed the kitchen, living room, bathroom and hallway. I cleaned the bathroom. I took out the trash. I cleaned the top of the stove and kitchen counters. I tidied the living room so it wasn’t such a mess. I vacuumed and wiped out Fish’s dog kennel and changed the cat bed bedding. I did two loads of laundry, put a hamper of clothes away and sorted another hamper. Then I decided to do a big-ish project—clean under the kitchen sink. It was grimy from the previous tenants. I should have cleaned it a long time ago but oh well. I cleaned a couple windows in the living room. Scooped the litter boxes.

I think that will be the end of my cleaning day so far. It’s 6 PM as I write this. I’ve been at it since 9:30. It’s been enjoyable, but nevertheless I’m finally getting tired of it. Question is whether my brain will let me stop.

I’m sitting on the couch and I can feel a energy or tingling moving in waves up and down my body. I feel like I’m done cleaning, yet my eyes are looking around the house for something else. Something I’m maybe forgetting.

I could clean Danny’s bubbler. I could put my other hamper of clothes away. I could do some dishes.

I could relax too, though. I need to take a bath. I’ve been putting it off for a few days. Why am I not as focused on that?

I cant decide if i should stop. I know as soon as I stop writing this I will most likely start doing a few more things before I finally stop for the night.

I am anxious about something. I put off filling out some important paperwork that apparently had a 10 day due date. I think I got that letter a couple weeks ago. Hopefully it won’t be too bad.

I am so productive typically, but sometimes will forget something that is very important and I have no idea how. I am so focused on getting tasks done that when a task slips through my radar it’s troubling lol. I know, I know. I’m a control freak.

It’s been a good day, I just hope all this energy and productivity doesn’t doom me for the rest of the week. Sometimes I do too much in one day and it zaps my energy for other days. Like that Spoon theory for the chronically ill. I don’t want to run out of spoons.

[josiebelladonna]

the whole “my opinions suck” thing got me thinking and i did some searching around, and i found this big thing about self-worth, and near the bottom is a self-esteem check up (here’s the whole link if you’re curious at all and want to try it all out yourself).

i’ll understand if you’re tired of me auditing myself but it needs to get out. i don’t ever want to pretend.

This worksheet is good for a wide audience, including children, adolescents, young adults, and older adults. The opening text indicates that it’s a self-esteem worksheet, but in this case, the terms self-esteem and self-worth are used interchangeably.

Completing this worksheet will help you get a handle on your personal sense of understanding, acceptance, respect, and love for yourself.

The worksheet lists 15 statements and instructs you to rate your belief in each one on a scale from 0 (not at all) to 10 (totally or completely). These statements are:

I believe in myself;

I am just as valuable as other people;

I would rather be me than someone else;

I am proud of my accomplishments;

I feel good when I get compliments;

I can handle criticism;

I am good at solving problems;

I love trying new things;

I respect myself;

I like the way I look;

I love myself even when others reject me;

I know my positive qualities;

I focus on my successes and not my failures;

I’m not afraid to make mistakes;

I am happy to be me.

“I believe in myself.” in general, i don’t. my writing gets slated more often than not, i wouldn’t be offended if my art gets thrown in the trash, i’m ugly, my sexuality doesn’t matter, i’m incompetent, i’m too emotional, my opinions are terrible, my thoughts are weird, you don’t want to know what my religious beliefs are, i have no love life, i have a crush on an older guy and my feelings for him aren’t respected or valid, i have to perform to impress people and even then they aren’t impressed, i can’t hold down a job if it saved me, making friends is a challenge and a chore, my family is hypercritical and hyper vigilant of me (and they honest to god have no reason to be, either), i’m a hack in the science community, and i’m prone to weight gain. i have no confidence in anything i do, no matter how much it means to me. goose egg, 0.

“I am just as valuable as other people” can’t say i am. i do feel… some? in there, some tiny little nugget—it’s probably the one thing that’s keeping me from relapsing into the big “a”. 1.

“I would rather be me than someone else” even with my shit belief in myself, i can’t imagine being someone else. i’ve been me for too long that i kind of have no choice now. right in the middle, 5.

“I am proud of my accomplishments” the answer may surprise you but no. not even a little bit. if anything, i don’t ever want to think about sharing my accomplishments because, the way that my life has gone, i literally worry about being seen as a braggart. 0.

“I feel good when I get compliments” same story: I actually don’t. if anything, they make me so anxious, like what do i say to this? thank you? i gotta do more than thank you, it’s almost expected now. it’s like, now what? 3.

“I can handle criticism” i handle it better than fanfic writers, that’s for fucking sure, mainly because i expect it. i expect to have my ass handed to me. this shit isn’t good and you know it. 5.

“I am good at solving problems” i’ve thought about this and—not really. i’m a “shoot first, ask questions later” kind of person, and apparently, this is widely reviled. i’m also not very bright: problem solvers are bright, and i just am not there. 1.

“I love trying new things” do i ever! 10/10.

“I respect myself” i respect myself enough to walk away from facebook for the most part, kill twitter dead, and to end a stupid feud that should’ve ended after four months. 5.

“I like the way I look” i don’t think i’ve ever liked the way i look. even on my good days, i still nitpick at myself. there’s always something. there’s always someone, too (re: “people just don’t like my body”). 0.

“I love myself even when others reject me” i get rejected constantly and… you’re telling me to love myself? i did that other “what would you do if everything was taken from you” statement on there, and yes, it literally would not change how i feel internally. i’ll still blame myself for losing everything. 0.

“I know my positive qualities” vaguely. 1.

“I focus on my successes and not my failures” i think of both. 5.

“I’m not afraid to make mistakes” my cartoons literally began life as an error. why be afraid? 6.

“I am happy to be me” huh… huhhhhh… jesus tap-dancing christ. what have i done to be happy or deserve it? 1. why 1? can’t imagine being anyone else (the only thing keeping it from zero is out of spite, and even that defeats the purpose. it’s more like 0.5).

Add up all of the ratings for these 15 statements to get your total score, then rate your overall sense of self-esteem on a scale from 0 (I completely dislike who I am) to 10 (I completely like who I am).

(i’m guessing you add them up and then divide by 15 seeing as there’s 15? i got 43, so that’s roughly 2.87)

Finally, respond to the prompt “What would need to change in order for you to move up one point on the rating scale? (i.e., for example, if you rated yourself a 6 what would need to happen for you to be at a 7?)”

believing in myself, i have no fucking clue. i’ve been searching for the answer to this since i was 18. i really feel like i’ve tried everything and i still can’t find it in me. same with my appearance and being happy with myself. my parents tell me i’m beautiful, but i look at my body and can’t help but feel disgust. yeah, my parents think this, but why is no one asking me out on a date? why does everyone at school think i’m ugly and boring to talk to? why am i being bullied? why does my own family take great pleasure in body-shaming me, calling me fat, telling me to cut my hair, telling how to dress and what to read and what to like? most of all… my mom is stressed out and my dad is high. how do i know if there’s any truth to this? if i’m so fucking beautiful, why is all of this happening to me? how do you accept a compliment? besides just thanking the person, that is, and i’m genuinely asking this, too. there are days i genuinely wonder if i even have positive qualities at all and i’m just putting on an act because i’m too afraid to show the real me, the dark and twisted side of me. i literally suck at solving problems… and it’s almost always because i don’t know what i’m doing. i don’t know what i’m looking for, i don’t know what i’m looking at, i don’t know how this works, i don’t know what this means… but i get thrown into it cold and i bullshit my way through it because there’s an expectation on me now. the only time it isn’t is because i tend to forget what i’m supposed to do (hence why i feel so stupid about it). yeah, about being seen as a “braggart” when it comes to accomplishments… there’s a reason for this. when chris was alive, i used to hang out with people who eventually got tired of me, like i could sense they were tired of the fact that chris liked me and i didn’t know what else to tell them. before that, my paternal family often asked me “okay, now what? what happens next?” whenever anything good happened to me (i got honor roll and aced a midterm but it was all a cake walk, what do you want?) and as for value as a person… i’ve never understood this. what does it mean to be a valuable person? moreover, how does it feel to be valued? no one has ever looked at me and said “you’re a valued member of the team/family”, and no one has ever made me feel this way, either.

[awkwarddystopianwarlord]

Self Sabotaging Sleepytime Stupidity

Our bodies need sleep, they know that. Our brains get more tired towards the end of the day and we yearn to finally call it quits and go to bed. So why are nightmares? Why are scary thoughts before sleepy time?

I shall elaborate.

Though this isn’t whilst I’m sleeping, it’s the before times of getting there. I shower right before bed and so many damn times I think “what if there’s something in here with me?” be it a person or a demonic creature, be it in the tub itself or just the bathroom, my brain gives me that to think about. It does the same thing as I lay in bed, letting my body succumb to sleep. I suddenly wonder if there’s someone outside my door waiting to break in or something standing in the corner of my room or a figure right by my bed but I can’t see because I’m facing the wall. My brain convinces itself that it senses we are not alone when I’m at my most vulnerable. It throws out all these unnerving thoughts and ideas and haunts me when I’m just trying to pass out for the day.

Then the nightmares come. I spend my entire waking life stressed and on edge and anxious and exhausted. I do not want the same for my sleeping hours. I need balance. Even the dreams of working a whole day after actually working a whole day pisses me off because I don’t want to think about that now. Let alone the terrifying images and stories that are dealt with subconsciously like watching my family die or running from something I can’t actually escape or the world around me warping onto something claustrophobic and dark and confusing.

To spend the night seeing unsettling things seems wasteful and to spend the time before sleeping imagining unsettling things seems unnecessary. As I said, our bodies know that sleep is important so it weirds me out that they would self sabotage that for no apparent reason. I just wake up more tired and full of negative feelings and emotions which doesn’t help anything. Who came up with this? Why did we evolve like this? What is the purpose of this? I need a lot of sleep to function and I already lose a lot of that by taking forever to finally fall asleep and by waking up again due to either a full bladder or chronic pain. I cannot afford to lose more by freaking myself out a half hour before going to bed, to the moment I’m trying to sleep, to my subconscious after the fact.

Let life continue being my own personal nightmare, but at least give me the nights to dream. I’m so tired and I think too much and there’s no one here with me so I’m left to fill in faces and appearances for all the sounds I hear, oh the odd noises that occur. I try to drown it all out with soundscapes and the light that emanates from my wee air cooler but alas, this is where my vivid imagination has its faults. Where I can see good things clearly before me if I wish it, so can I with the bad even when I don’t wish it, and unfortunately the bad often invades my sight when it’s dark and I’m lonely.

[batgirltraining]

July 19, 2022

been wanting to get into better shape and form a consistent workout/exercise routine for a long time, but its difficult. today i was doing some online shopping for adidas shorts/tops and i randomly got inspired to look at this blog for the first time in apparently 3 years. wow. 

i ended up going through all my posts and previous logs, and honestly it made me feel a bit sad. years ago when i was first starting to run, i was struggling with self-esteem (i mean, i still am) and i hated the way i looked (still do, if we’re being completely honest). and it’s weird to me because now i look at those old pictures of myself and i was so much thinner. at least 25lbs lighter, stomach basically flat -- which was somehow that was my biggest insecurity. i find myself comparing myself then to now. currently, im 150lbs (at least), which apparently is the same as my last log back in 2019, so that’s interesting. i guess that means ive been in this slump for at least 3 years. i didn’t realize. (which, to be fair -- im not necessarily concerned about weighing less. i just want to be more active and feel stronger. if that means my number goes down, fine. if that means the number stays the same because the fat turns to muscle and stays that number, that’s fine too).

the number itself isn’t the problem. it’s the fact that i am basically sedentary and i feel not-great a lot of the time. last week, i worked out 2x, went on a walk with friends, and went on a bike ride with my mom. and it felt pretty good. i just would like to be in a better mind-set where i do those things more consistently and more often. i don’t like being sedentary. and i don’t like how i feel in my body. i would like to be more active and to eat healthier but it’s hard. and im so used to how things are now, that even though i don’t like how they are now, i almost prefer staying this way than to doing anything about it. PLUS, i only ever feel these bursts of inspiration in the evening and then i wake up and im like nahh im tired i dont want to do that.

but i think it would be cool to start the couch to 5k program again. baby steps. i can’t expect myself to be able to run 3 miles again out of nowhere, and there’s no shame in starting over. and i dont really think i’d enjoy running super far, like a marathon, but 3 miles is a nice number to strive for. 

but i have another big problem... i really struggle with this idea of being perceived and running alone. i feel like everyone is staring at me and even though i know they’re not (or even if they were, who cares), it still makes me anxious. i’ve never gone on a walk or run by myself, since college, because i makes me anxious. and like i said, staying the same is easier than doing something. (actually, interesting note, now that i think about it -- i used to run by myself in college and i enjoyed it. sure, i felt like people were looking at me, but it didnt make me that anxious. i think because of the environment. i think being in my hometown makes me feel that high-school-level anxiousness. i think i fear being judged by people i know from town more than i did while being away at school. sure people knew me at college - but less so than at home. WHICH, just to play devil’s advocate, it’s not as if everyone in town knows me....... food for though). 

...so! maybe i’ll start that couch to 5k program, or maybe i won’t. maybe i’ll make another entry in another 3 years, or maybe i’ll make one in 10. will tumblr even exist in 2032? i hope so. 

anyway. i’m going to end this weird rant by apologizing to my past self. im sorry that i didnt love you how you should have been loved. you deserved kindness and compassion even when i didnt think i deserved it. even though i hated how you looked, there’s never been anything wrong with you. nothing then, and nothing now. i love you <3