#I'm Out of Depression I'm In Emptiness

[x-heesy]

Tᴏᴅᴀʏ ᴍʏ ғᴏʀᴇsᴛ ɪs ᴅᴀʀᴋ. Tʜᴇ ᴛʀᴇᴇs ᴀʀᴇ sᴀᴅ ᴀɴᴅ ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴜᴛᴛᴇʀғʟɪᴇs ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʙʀᴏᴋᴇɴ ᴡɪɴɢs.

Dᴇᴘʀᴇsʏᴏɴᴅᴀɴ Çɪᴋᴛɪᴍ Bᴏşʟᴜᴋᴛᴀʏɪᴍ ʙʏ Lᴀʟᴀʟᴀʀ (I’ᴍ Oᴜᴛ ᴏғ Dᴇᴘʀᴇssɪᴏɴ, I’ᴍ Iɴ Eᴍᴘᴛɪɴᴇss)

[e-adlirez]

So I once made a presentation about Thea Stilton for school

Before you ask when I did this, this was in 2023, during my last year of high school :3

So yes, this was very recent, I was very much active on Tumblr at the time, and I was very much aware of what I was doing. We were told to ramble about anything we wanted in any way we wanted (essay, TEDTalk, comic, etc.), and me being me, I knew I had to make a TEDTalk about my eleven-year-long hyperfixation, and I had just the topic for it. I spent a week making multiple drafts before cranking out the final one in time for the deadline of the script and the presentation, and I figured that since I'm still very proud of how the essay turned out, I oughta put it here :3

So this is the script of my talk, Dreams In the Cloud Castle, and spoilers for the aforementioned book, the Cloud Castle. Hope you enjoy :3

I’d like to start this talk by asking a question. Who here knows Thea Stilton, show of hands? (Response based on hands raised.) Alright, so just so everyone knows what I’m talking about, we have this mouse man named Geronimo Stilton, who has a sister named Thea Stilton, who has these students that are the actual protagonists of the Thea Stilton franchise. These students do investigation stuff in the normal world (think the Earth but mouse people), and sometimes they go to some nifty mythology realms to do investigation stuff. Got that? Good, because we’ll be talking about one of those mythological adventures, specifically the book, The Cloud Castle.

There’s a weird scene in the book’s climax where, because of circumstances, Violet, one of the main characters, saves her friend in an act of heroic sacrifice. The cost? Her dreams. The adversary she saves her friend from is this Crystal Eagle, who steals the dreams of those who look him in the eye. Such a fate is permanent, and unfortunately, such a fate has befallen Violet, who now can’t dream anymore.

But what does that mean?

Violet lost her dreams. What does that mean? This is one of those questions where you don’t realize that you don’t know the answer, until you think about it and look into it a little more than what was probably intended. Kinda like how Marvel Cinematic Universe plots start to make less and less sense the more you think about them. In this little talk, I’ll try to extrapolate an answer, and why you should care about it. I am taking up about eight minutes of your time, after all. Hopefully the argument I have for you today is a convincing one. These are dreams, what they mean, and why they’re important to us.

To understand the loss of something, one must understand what was lost. In this case, dreams. In this book’s setting, the Land of Clouds, dreams play a surprisingly important role: the fairies of this world use it to make clouds. How do we do that? Well, when a fairy sleeps, and more specifically dreams, they produce this silver thread that accumulates on their nightstand. When the fairy wakes up, they can use it to weave clouds. They make clouds from silver thread, that is made from their dreams, and clouds are what their entire world is made of. It seems like dreams are very important to this world or something.

Now, even though this bit about dreams was about the harmless visions you see at night, isn’t this similar to how we use our goals and aspirations in real life? We dream, that is to say we aspire to a certain goal, and with that goal, we create. We create something that inevitably becomes a part of the world we live in: construction, technology, music, art– all of these, I’d argue, are important to our society, and all of these things come from here. Isn’t that a powerful thing to have?

Now that we’ve talked about dreams, let’s talk about that hypothetical: the idea of losing your dreams, and the ability to dream. What does that mean? Well, think back to what I said earlier. The fairies’ nightly visions and their ability to have them allow them to create. Our goals and our ability to reach for them allow us to create. The fairies’ purpose is to turn their dreams into clouds. Our purpose in life is dependent on what we want to do with our lives, which is directed by our dreams, our goals. Without our dreams, without our goals, without our aspirations… Who are we if not lost?

Actually, let’s explore this thought experiment a little further. Think about this: Why do we do things? Besides the essentials for survival, why do we do things at all? Because someone else told you to do it? Well, why did they tell you to do that? Because someone else told them? Eventually, this will all circle back to a first person who had some sort of motivation, some sort of dream. The Merriam-Webster definition of a dream is “a strongly desired goal or purpose”. Desiring something can already call it a dream. Maybe you want to run for office, or run a successful business, or make art, or make technological advancements for the good of humanity. All of these things are dreams. If we were robbed of our dreams and the ability to have them, what then? If you didn’t have any dreams, what would you create? Would you desire to create at all? You may think “this isn’t worth pondering about at all. I have my dreams, and I don’t have to deal with crystal eagles.” And yeah, you’re right. We don’t have magical birds that appear out of nowhere and steal our dreams; but what do we have? Burnout? Depression? Intrusive thoughts? If these things conquered us so thoroughly, if we stared into the eyes of the eagle for too long, to the degree that we lost sight of our dreams… I ask again, who are we?

When I read the segment that ensued after Violet lost her dreams for the first time, I wondered to myself what was going on in her head. It was a question that I had for the longest time, and I would scan that third act of the book again and again, to get even the tiniest glimpse into what it was like to be dreamless. I would always end up frustrated, because it seemed like Violet was doing nothing besides going along with everyone else in silence. At most, she’d make some pointless comment that contributed nothing to the conversation, let alone the plot. I originally thought that this was an act of negligence on the part of the author, or perhaps the censorship of the English publishers; but then I realized something: Violet was doing nothing. When she walked through the Hall of Mirrors that she previously said she was scared of, all she could say was that her reflections looked pale. When the girls were presented with a pick-the-door riddle, Violet didn’t give a single word of insight. When the girls finally discovered the reason why the fairies can’t make clouds, Violet didn’t react at all. Violet was doing nothing. Throughout the entire third act of the story, Violet was doing nothing. She wasn’t even making a productive conversation. And how could she make anything in that state of mind, where it is impossible to dream, impossible to create, impossible to… do anything?

After this epiphany, I thought about a scenario where she returned to her home below the clouds dreamless. She’s a naturally creative person– would she be able to make art while she was dreamless? Would she be able to write, make music, play music at all? Since dreams in this case denote ambition or motivation, and Violet’s condition is the antithesis of that, would she be able to do anything at all? If we were put in a similar situation that could happen in real life, would we be able to do anything at all? If we were fortunate enough to lose the dream but not the ability to dream, how would we process the situation? How would we deal with it? How would we get through it? Would there come a moment where we can reach for something again? Or would we be stuck like that forever, wandering aimlessly for the rest of our lives?

Thank Queen Nephele’s plot-convenient healing crystal that Violet got better.

[worthless-misery]

"If home is where the heart is, then we're all just fucked."

Fall Out Boy, "27"

[qilinkisser]

I feel bad blocking my friend on this blog. but she can't see this anymore.

[roseredsnow]

*realises my headache gets worse upon re-entering my room*

Ah fuck time to clean again.

[selfcontainedunivcrse]

cvp has bpd so blatantly and i care it. I cannot articulate rnnn but :points: Em

Seren is also about bpd probably a bit more obviously which I feel . unsure abt because only certain things are considered thru Vwoop's lense, when I am usually talking about him, and don't necessarily want to #PerpetrateStigma but He's my little guy. Consider. He is very scared

[anaalnathrakhs]

btw my mom said it. she said it to me looking me in the eyes. i told her about how difficult it was for me to get through those family reunions, and she admitted it was very important to her, important enough that she was just going to do it anyway.

[newwave-lesbian]

they really did just give me all of the dogshit mental illnesses, huh

[x-heesy]

„ɪғ Yᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ɴᴏᴛ sɪᴄᴋ, ᴘʀᴏʙᴀʙʟʏ Yᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ɪʟʟɴᴇss:“

Iɴ sʜᴏʀᴛ, ᴡᴇ ᴄᴀᴍᴇ ᴛʜɪs ғᴀʀ ᴛᴏᴅᴀʏ.

Yᴇᴀʀs ᴀʀᴏᴜɴᴅ ᴏᴜʀ ɴᴇᴄᴋs, ᴀʀᴍs ɪɴ ʜᴀɴᴅ, ᴊᴏᴜʀɴᴀʟ

Iᴛ’s ʜᴀʀᴅ ɴᴏᴛ ᴛᴏ ɢᴏ ᴄʀᴀᴢʏ

Aᴛ ʟᴇᴀsᴛ ʟᴇᴀᴠᴇ ʟɪғᴇ ᴀʟᴏɴᴇ ғᴏʀ ᴀ ᴡʜɪʟᴇ

Nᴏ ᴏɴᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ɢᴇᴛ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴏғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʟɪᴠᴇ ᴀɴʏᴡᴀʏ.

Vɪʀᴜsᴇs ᴏɴ ᴏɴᴇ sɪᴅᴇ, ᴄʀᴏᴜᴘɪᴇʀs ᴏɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ

Iғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘᴜʟʟ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʟᴜɢ ᴏɴ ʏᴏᴜʀsᴇʟғ, ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʀɪᴄᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ ᴘᴀɪᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴏsᴇ ʟᴇғᴛ ʙᴇʜɪɴᴅ.

Cᴀᴘᴛᴀɪɴ, I’ʟʟ ɢᴇᴛ ᴏғғ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴇᴀʀᴇsᴛ ᴛʀᴀsʜ ᴄᴀɴ.

Dᴏɴ’ᴛ sʜᴀᴋᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏᴏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ, I’ʟʟ sᴘɪʟʟ

Mʏ ᴍᴇɴᴛᴀʟ ʙᴀʟᴀɴᴄᴇ ɪs ᴊᴇʟʟʏ-ʟɪᴋᴇ

Eᴠᴇʀʏᴏɴᴇ ɪs ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ sɪᴛᴜᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴇxᴄᴇᴘᴛ ᴜs ᴀʟʟ

Hᴏᴍᴇʟᴀɴᴅ ɴᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴄʜᴀᴏs

Hᴀɴɢ ғʟᴀɢs ᴀʀᴏᴜɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜʀ ɴᴇᴄᴋ

Wᴇᴅᴅɪɴɢ ᴠᴇɴᴜᴇ ᴏʀ ᴍᴜʀᴅᴇʀ sᴄᴇɴᴇ?

Lᴇᴛ’s ɢᴏ ʙɪɴɢᴏ

Bᴏᴍʙᴀʀᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏᴜɴᴛᴀɪɴs I ᴛʀᴜsᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴘᴀʀᴀɴᴏɪᴀ

Hᴏʟᴇs ᴀᴘᴘᴇᴀʀᴇᴅ ᴠᴇsᴛ ʙᴜʟʟᴇᴛᴘʀᴏᴏғ ᴊᴀᴄᴋᴇᴛ

Zᴀɪʏᴀᴛ ᴍᴇᴀɴs ᴇssᴇɴᴛɪᴀʟ ʟɪғᴇ, ᴡᴀɪᴛɪɴɢ ғᴏʀ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ

Lɪᴋᴇ ᴀ ʙᴀʟʟᴘᴏɪɴᴛ ᴘᴇɴ, ᴡᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ʀᴜɴ ᴏᴜᴛ

ʙʀᴇᴀᴛʜ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡʜᴇᴇʟ

ᴅᴇsᴛɪɴᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ᴄᴇɴᴛᴇʀ

I’ᴍ ɪɴ ᴘʀɪsᴏɴ

I ᴅᴜɢ ᴀ sᴏʟᴜᴛɪᴏɴ, I’ᴍ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴜɴɴᴇʟ

Mʏ ʜᴏᴍᴇ ɪs ʀᴜɪɴᴇᴅ, ᴍʏ ᴅʀᴇᴀᴍs ᴀʀᴇ ʀᴜɪɴᴇᴅ

Iғ ᴀ ᴛʜɪᴇғ ᴇɴᴛᴇʀs, ʜᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʀᴜɴ ᴀᴡᴀʏ

I’ᴍ ᴏᴜᴛ ᴏғ ᴅᴇᴘʀᴇssɪᴏɴ, I’ᴍ ɪɴ ᴇᴍᴘᴛɪɴᴇss @len0r ❤️‍🔥

Nᴏ ᴍᴀᴛᴛᴇʀ ʜᴏᴡ ғᴀʀ I ɢᴏ, I’ᴍ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇɢɪɴɴɪɴɢ

Oɴᴇ ᴍᴏᴍᴇɴᴛ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ sᴋʏ, ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴇxᴛ ᴍᴏᴍᴇɴᴛ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ɢʀᴏᴜɴᴅ @frenchpsychiatrymuderedmycnut 🖤

I ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀɴʏ ᴛᴀsᴛᴇ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ᴡʜᴇɴ ɪᴛ ᴇxɪsᴛs

Dᴇᴘʀᴇsʏᴏɴᴅᴀɴ Çɪᴋᴛɪᴍ Bᴏşʟᴜᴋᴛᴀʏɪᴍ (I’ᴍ Oᴜᴛ ᴏғ Dᴇᴘʀᴇssɪᴏɴ, I’ᴍ Iɴ Eᴍᴘᴛɪɴᴇss) ʙʏ Lᴀʟᴀʟᴀʀ ❤️‍🔥 🇹🇷

[worthless-misery]

Dear diary...

It's really no surprise I would end up here...

Addicted to a drxg to try to escape those feelings and thoughts that always linger...

I'm really a waste of everything. I'm worthless and I realize it more each day...

[lesenbyan]

you know, I keep thinking about how much I'd get written if I had any self discipline at all and then like. doing nothing about it bc like. who's gonna enforce it? not me.

[naughtynoodle056]

Pls send help I feel so hollow and empty instead

[invinciblerodent]

i am never fucking moving to an apartment that's not on the top floor of a building again

[upwards-descent]

Word is there's a real nasty bug going around that can put people down for a few weeks even- be careful, friend, get lots of rest, hope it's not what you have.

Oho please oh god no

[jaynovz]

According to my mood tracking app, the longest I have gone without writing since I started up again in Jan 2021 was ten days in a row, which was when I was in GA for xmas during the last two weeks of Dec 2021...

The overall effect on my mood when including the writing activity is pretty high, in a positive way, based on the data.

All of that to say that my current depressive slump as a result of facing the fact that I may have finally hit a hard wall of burn out, after two years of intense output?

...well, it makes sense lol.

[born-to-lose]

According to 6 different serious health/psychology pages I have BPD, do you think that means I should see a therapist?