#I'm not trying to romanticize suicide not at all

[muwapsturniolo]

⋆.˚ 𝐈'𝐦 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐘𝐨𝐮 ⋆.˚

IN WHICH...a wallflower finds solace in her life thanks to a boy who gives her the will to live

WARNINGS...mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts! depressive thoughts, alcohol, weed, IF I FORGOT ANYTHING PLEASE LET ME KNOW

BTW, the series playlist is linked in the title!

THIS SERIES IS NOT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE , OR FORM TRYING TO ROMANTICIZE DEPRESSION OR SUICIDE! THIS IS SIMPLY A FIC THAT IS SUPPOSED TO SHOW THE STRUGGLES OF MENTAL HEALTH AND HOW SOMETIMES WE JUST NEED TO FEEL LIKE WE BELONG TO FEEL BETTER! IF YOU SUFFER WITH ANY TYPE OF MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLE, PLEASE REACH OUT FOR HELP! AT THE END OF EACH CHAPTER I WILL PROVIDE A PHONE NUMBER FOR THE SUICIDE HOTLINE!

Matilda.

A movie about a young girl who was ignored at times by her family, or simply just treated horribly for existing.

She related to that.

From a young age she was ignored by her parents, the adults constantly forgetting they even had a child to tend and take care of.

They would leave her home alone without even mumbling a goodbye, they wouldn't even leave a note. The birthdays she wished to celebrate every year were forgotten, the holidays she would see being celebrated on TV in grand and dramatic ways were never like that for her.

She thought it would be different at school.

She'd seen the TV shows of kids having big groups of friends, having nice and welcoming teachers, and having fun.

She was wrong.

In elementary school she was bullied, the kids making fun of her hair and clothes. They made fun of the fact she was soft-spoken and always reading the 'Magic Tree House' books. Her teachers never did anything about it, and she didn't want them to.

She would take bullying over being ignored any day.

Then, middle school happened.

The bullying had stopped, but not because the kids felt bad, they grew tired of her. They treated her like she was a nuisance making their lives unbearable. To make it worse, her teachers felt the same way. She would raise her hand to answer a question, and the teacher would roll their eyes while her classmates would mock her and call her a 'suck up' or 'annoying". Her peers would bump into her in the hallways and yell in her face to move.

A vivid memory of hers was when she bumped into Lacey Sanders in the lunchroom, spilling her lunch all over her brand-new white top. Lacey lost it, she pushed the girl to the floor, screaming in her face that she was a waste of space and should have never been born.

It was embarrassing.

So embarrassing that she raced out of the lunchroom and straight to the bathroom where she had her first panic attack.

She began to believe the callous words and actions around her.

Maybe she was annoying, maybe she was a suck-up, maybe she shouldn't have been born...

It seemed as the school year went on and people began to forget the lunchroom incident, they began to forget about her too.

High school soon came along, and that's when she realized how invisible she truly was.

No one would give her dirty looks anymore, they would bump into her in the hallways and continue to walk as if she were an inanimate object. Her teachers would either mark her absent or not even call her name during attendance.

It's like she didn't exist.

She blended into the crowd, but she wasn't a part of the crowd,

She was an empty shell, a ghost begging, screaming, pleading to be noticed,

Just like she's doing now.

It was a cold December night in Boston, a few days before Christmas. The streetlights illuminate the icy roads, showcasing the flurries of snow flying around. The streets were basically empty, the majority wanting to escape the cold, but not her.

She loved the cold.

She loved the way the crisp air pierced her skin, numbing her fingers and toes. She loved how when she breathed out, she could see the carbon dioxide, showing that she was in fact there and alive much to her dismay and others.

Her hands grip the cold railing tightly, her palms burning from the frost coating the metal. The murky water below was currently sloshing against the rocks violently, the noise so loud yet calming at the same time.

She couldn't help but wonder if her end would be the same,

Violent and loud, yet calming.

She takes a shakey breath and looks away from the water, looking behind her and watching as a few people walk by...Ignoring her.

They were dressed in their winter attire, laughing and talking about the holidays to come and how excited they were to spend time with family. They weren't worried about the 17-year-old girl on the bridge.

Why would they worry?

As much as she wanted someone to notice her, to stop her from ending it all and tell her it's ok, she knew they wouldn't

They don't care.

"They don't care," she murmurs to herself.

Her eyes began to burn, she wasn't sure if it was the cold air or the tears forming in her eyes, but she didn't care...Not anymore. She closes her eyes and faces forward once more, the noise around her beginning to soften as the rushing water grows louder in her ears. Her grip on the railing began to loosen, a faint smile gracing her face.

This is it.

She's finally going to be at peace.

Just as she begins to let go, a hand firmly grabs her shoulder and yanks her backward, her back hitting the railings harshly. Her eyes snap open and she whips her head around, coming face to face with a boy who looks out of breath. 

His eyes are wide and filled with genuine fear, but he has a smile on his face.

“Come to a party with me!”

She blinks in confusion, not sure if she heard him correctly. "w-what?"

" Come to a party with me. It's not a huge party really. It's just me, my brothers, and a few friends in Nate's basement. We're going to watch Christmas movies, play games, drink, smoke..."

Despite the tension in the air and his body, the boy keeps a smile on his face, begging internally for the girl to agree.

"You don't even know me..."

"Well I want to..."

He wants to know her.

Someone wants to know her.

Her grip on the railing tightens once more as she begins to feel conflicted. She wanted to end it, she was tired of hurting in silence, yet here he was, a stranger, inviting her to a party.

Was this the universe finally answering her wishes, or was she already dead and in her own version of heaven?

"Come on, it will be fun...We have pizza."

He was warm and inviting, the cheesy smile on his face and the crinkle by his eyes proving that much. It was a nice change compared to the coldness she felt in her life.

She hesitantly nods to his invitation, the action accruing before she even realizes she's doing it. He quickly drops his bags to the ground and yanks her over the railing, holding her close as he mutters a 'Thank God' to himself once he realizes she's now safe.

Once she's steady, she pulls away from him and looks away awkwardly, her nails digging into her palms.

He wants to confront her, tell her what she planned on doing was stupid and she would regret it, but he didn't.

He couldn't.

She didn't need a lecture right now, she needed a friend.

Noticing she's just in a flannel and sweatpants, he quickly takes off his jacket and throws it over her shoulders, "S'freezin kid, should have worn a jacket in this weather...Come on, let's head to Nates. It's not that far." He grabs her hand without a care in the world, grabbing his dropped bags in the other, and leading the way.

The walk to Nates is quiet for the most part, the only sound coming from the plastic bags and their feet crunching against the snow. She was lost deep in thought, her mind buzzing with the events within the past few minutes.

She's pulled out of her thoughts by the boy speaking, "I think I've seen you around school, I say I think 'cause I'm rarely there...What's y'name kid?"

He noticed her around school? She actually stood out for someone to notice her?

"Y/n..." She answers softly. He hums in response and gives her a big smile, "Well, I'm Chris. S'nice to meet you Y/n."

They soon make it to Nate's house and Chris waltzes right in, stomping his feet on the matt to get rid of the snow before kicking the boots off. "Come on, everyone's in the basement." He motions to the basement door, already walking towards it.

Y/n hesitantly follows, this was all new to her.

She's never been invited to parties or asked to hang out.

As Chris opens the basement door, she hears the sound of laughter and shouting.

"You cheated!"

"How the hell do you cheat in Candyland you dumb fuc-I'm back!" Chris's announcement of his arrival causes the group of four to look at the two teens standing at the bottom of the stairs.

"And you brought a stranger?" A boy who looks just like Chris asks, looking Y/n up and down.

She feels her face grow warm as the boy calls her a stranger, he wasn't lying though, she was a stranger. Chris rolls his eyes and drops the bag on the table before slapping the boy upside the head. "Shut the hell up Nick, Y/n's not a stranger... She's a friend."

She feels her heart skip a beat at his words.

Friends...She was a friend.

Chris plops down on the couch, immediately man-spreading and crossing his arms. Meanwhile, Y/n stands by the stairs awkwardly still wrapped in Chris's jacket. Chris notices and pats the spot next to him, urging her to sit down.

She shuffles over, her movements unsure as she sits down next to him.

She expected the group to jump back into what they were doing, to completely disregard her existence - that wasn't the case. They immediately begin to talk to her, asking all types of questions to get to know her better. It was different, it was scary, it was overwhelming, but she found herself relaxing in the warm atmosphere of the basement.

Despite Nick's hesitancy towards her earlier, everyone was so welcoming. They treated her like they had known her for years, like they grew up with her. It was comforting, for once in her life she felt like she belonged, like she was actually alive.

It was refreshing.

"S-so do you guys always hang down here?" She asks as she looks around the basement. It looked like the basement of an early 2-thousands teen movie. Posters of different bands and TV shows were thrown on the wall, the colorful Christmas lights were strung along the ceilings creating a serene atmosphere. There was a huge tv mounted on the wall - gaming systems on the stand below. Two couches, a recliner, and bean bags of different colors were scattered about.

"Yeah, my mom doesn't want us messing up her nice couches and she says we are too loud, so she and my dad let us use the basement as our hangout spot," Nate states as he sets the bong down on the table, Alahna immediately taking it. "A-and they let you guys smoke-" her eyes dart over to the alcohol in Nick's hand, "And drink?"

"Better here rather than out somewhere getting hurt....Are your parents really strict or something?"

The question makes her wonder, were her parents strict? They were never around or paid any attention to her for them to be. She could have been causing all types of trouble and doing god knows what without any type of repercussion, yet she never did

She gives a brief smile, "N-not really... I've just never done any of that stuff...." The group looks at her in shock. How could someone in their grade never dabble in any of these activities? "Well, that is going to change! Take your pick, what drink do you want?"

"Or do you want to smoke?"

The group begins to debate on what the girl should do first, two of them leaning towards drinking while the other two claim an edible would be better. Meanwhile, Chris is doing neither. His eyes land on the girl who looks frightened by the idea of ingesting any type of paraphernalia.

"Hey-" his hand finds its place on her knee, giving comfort. "You know you don't have to do anything if you don't want to right? Don't let them pressure you."

Conflicted feelings swarm in her mind. On one hand she's not completely keen on the idea of being intoxicated, worried about what she will say and or do while not being in the right state of mind. What if they find her weird, or they make her the butt end of a joke? However on the other hand, she wants to fit in, she wants them to like her, and she wants to belong.

"I-is there anything not...Strong?" She asks timidly. Chris nods and grabs an unopened can of Twisted Tea. "It's tea with vodka. Taste kind of funky but I like it." She examines the big can, a look of nervousness still on her face. " We could share if you want? I doubt you will drink the whole thing." He was mainly offering out of concern, he knew the drink wasn't strong, but he didn't want the girl throwing up everywhere because she couldn't handle alcohol.

“T-that sounds nice….” Chris nods and cracks open the can, handing it to her for the first sip. She takes it once again, smelling the liquid before taking a hesitant sip. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. She shivers as she swallows, smacking her lips as the taste settles in her mouth. Chris laughs as she hands the can back to him, taking his own swig of the spiked tea.

“Alcohol virginity has been semi-taken! We’ll save the weed for a birthday or something,” Alahna cheers, the whole group joining in.

The night is a whirlwind of endless activities ranging from Just Dance, board games, Heads up, the girl learning how to play Fortnite, and karaoke.

Y/n was having fun. For the first time in her life, she wasn’t sad, she was happy. Even if it was a temporary happiness, she spent her whole life worrying, it wouldn't hurt her to live and enjoy her life for one night.

The night soon ends and everyone is getting ready to leave, “We can drive you home. S’pretty late and I uhh... I don't want you walking alone..." It was obvious Chris was worried, scared she would find her way to the bridge once more and disappear. He knew he couldn't do much to make whatever she was going through better, but he sure as hell was going to try.

"It's fine, I can wa-'' As she tries to turn down the offer of a ride, not wanting to be a burden, Chris turns to Matt - "You good with driving her home? She doesn't live far."

Matt's eyes drift over to the girl who is smiling awkwardly, shrugging his shoulder and grabbing his keys, "Yeah, let's go. "

After saying their goodbyes to Nate, Alahna, and Nate's family, the four pile into the black van. Y/n climbs into the car, sitting next to Nick in the backseat as Chris and Matt remain upfront. Matt suddenly hands her his phone, Google Maps opened- a clear sign to enter her address. She does so, handing him back the phone quietly. “ You live next door to us?” Matt questions as he puts the car in reverse, the tires crunching against the snow.

"I-I do?" She questions. She had never noticed the three boys - it's obvious they hadn't noticed her either. The car ride to their respective homes is pretty quiet, a song from Chris's playlist playing softly as the two boys upfront hold a whispered conversation. Nick was busy sleeping, all the alcohol finally catching up to him. Y/n looks out the window, her eyes focused on the blurry imagery passing her by.

It wasn't long before Matt pulled into their driveway - everyone piling out of the car and ready to go to bed. "You guys head inside, I'm going to walk her to her house." Chris moves toward Y/n, his hand resting on her back. Matt eyes the gesture and says nothing, grabbing a half-asleep Nick and walking him inside.

"Y-you didn't have to walk me back...."

"I want to...Come on."

The two begin the small walk toward the white house - silence being the conversation between the two.

"Well...This is you," Chris states as they arrive in front of the brown door. he shoves his hands into his pockets, his feet kicking at the snow on the ground. "Y-yeah..." Her hand rests on the doorknob, her eyes looking over Chris as she tries to figure out what to say next.

"Did you have- Thanks for," Soft laughter falls from both of them as they talk over each other, Chris running a hand through his hair as Y/n wraps her arms around herself. "You go ahead, what were you going to say?"

"I-I was going to say thanks...I-I needed this tonight." Chris smiles softly at her, the two coming to a mutual understanding of what she really means.

"S'no problem...Hopefully I- We get to see you more." The thought of this friend group - a group that has been friends forever, wanting to hang out with her again, fills her with excitement. She tries to hold back her giddiness, a Cheshire smile wanting to make its way onto her face. Chris notices it but decides not to say anything, not wanting to embarrass the girl.

"Well, I should head back. I'll see you soon alright?" She nods and watches as Chris walks back to his own home, their eyes meeting briefly before he goes inside. She smiles to herself and rushes inside, nothing but pure joy in her system.

It's not long before she's showered and laid in bed, her eyes trained on the ceiling covered in stars. She was thinking about her night, how it started off so shitty, and ended up being the best night of her life. She was seen, she was laughed with and not at, she felt like she belonged.

She turns on her side, pulling the blankets closer, a smile on her face.

Maybe things are getting better, her wishes being granted.

She could only hope it stays that way.

As she falls asleep, she fails to notice a body climbing out of a window next door, situating itself onto the roof. The person lights a cigarette between their lips, letting the mix of cancer and cold air enter their lungs. They take a big swig from the vodka bottle in their hand, the alcohol burning their throat. They stare off into the empty street, their eyes void of all emotion as they wonder-

What went wrong?

I hope you all like this. i did my best to articulate the words and feelings i have experienced into this. i want all of you to know you are loved, you're seen, and you're not alone! if any of you are struggling mentally i want you to know you're so strong and I'm proud of you for making it this far.

i believe this is a nationwide site that you can use to call and or text when it comes to mental health. if it is wrong, please let me know!

[glorystark]

His Saviour | Part 1

Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: You disobey one of Steve's orders in a mission but you don't think about the consequences...

Warnings: (TRIGGER WARNING!) mentions of self harm and suicide, mentions of killing and torturing, pure Angst no happy ending, mentions of injures, dark!Steve Rogers, swearing, minor spoilers of Black Widow, Steve being an asshole in general

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader

Featuring: The original 6

Disclaimer: please don't read this if you're not comfortable with any of the topics below or/and if they trigger you. This is just a fiction and it's never ok to act like this. I'm not romanticizing any of these topics and this behaviour!

You are sitting in the Quinjet, observing everyone who is injured in different ways. Natasha has been stabbed in her right thigh, Clint’s left ankle has been twisted, and Bruce, although not injured, appears exhausted due to a significant code green call, during which Nat almost lost him trying to retrieve him. Thor has a few scratches on his face. Everyone’s faces show bruising in different areas, and their bodies are still aching. But you, you have been injured the most. Your right wrist is broken, and you have been shot in your left leg, though the bullet wasn’t deep and didn't cause major damage; otherwise, you probably would have passed out by now. You still have trouble breathing, and your voice is sore because one of the HYDRA agents almost choked you to death. Your face is bruised, you can only open your right eye halfway, and your lips are swollen. The numbness has made it so you can barely feel any pain. When everyone saw you upon returning to the jet, they were extremely worried. You didn’t possess inhuman powers and weren't a super soldier, but you used to be a well-trained assassin and spy in the Red Room, closely partnered with Natasha Romanoff before joining S.H.I.E.L.D. So, it was surprising for the team to see you so battered, though they understood the mission was challenging.

Everyone needed a break upon returning to the tower. Initially, everyone thought it was a straightforward mission: infiltrate a high-security HYDRA base, get two flash drives containing vital and dangerous information, and exit. What no one knew was that it was a trap, with far more agents present than expected. Eventually, you managed to escape, but only securing one of the flash drives.

As everyone settled back in the jet, Bruce finished removing the bullet from your leg and bandaging Nat’s thigh. Thor bragged to Tony about his usual lack of injuries on missions, joking that he could have taken down all the HYDRA agents that day if he hadn’t been 'unlucky', which elicited laughter from Tony. Clint checked on Nat while she recounted a memory from Budapest. Meanwhile, you contemplated going home for a long shower until you noticed Steve, whose eyes were fixed on you with intensity. Confused, you assumed he was lost in thought, but you were wrong.

“How could you be so reckless?!" Steve's voice boomed through the jet as he stood up from his seat, his gaze piercing into yours. Everyone stopped what they were doing, surprised by his uncharacteristically loud tone, given his usually calm demeanor, even when upset. You looked at him, uncertain of what to say. You understood why he was angry; you had disobeyed an order. However, if not for your 'disobedience,' you wouldn't have acquired half the information you have now. To you, this seemed like Steve Rogers throwing a typical Captain America tantrum.

“Well, are you going to answer, or are you too stupid to respond to a simple question?" he growled, advancing toward your seat.

“I wasn't being-" you began to mutter, only to be interrupted by Steve.

“Speak up," he demanded, his voice cutting you off. You met his gaze, puzzled by his demeanor.

“I wasn't being reckless; I was being thoughtful. The-" you tried to explain, but Steve interrupted again.

"Thoughtful?! You call that thoughtful?! Really, Y/n? It's clear you don't understand the difference between stupidity and thoughtfulness.” he retorted.

“Will you stop interrupting me?" you interjected, your voice growing louder as you rose from your seat. You locked eyes with Steve, standing almost chest to chest in front of each other.

“I wouldn't have interrupted you if I knew any useful words were going to come out of your mouth," he countered, finally yelling, causing everyone but you to flinch.

“You have no right to yell at me like this, Steve.” you asserted, standing up for yourself.

"I have EVERY right to yell at you, you-" he began, but you cut him off this time.

"Why are you making it seem like I committed a crime? Yes, I agree it was wrong for me to enter that room alone, but I retrieved the flash drive we needed, didn't I?" you challenged.

“That is not the point right now. The point is, I'm your captain, and I gave a strict, direct order not to enter that room, and you disobeyed me.” he stated firmly.

That was all true. When you disobeyed his order, you knew he would be angry, but not to this extent.

You sprinted down the hallway, incapacitating every HYDRA agent in your path. You tried not to use your gun too often, knowing there would likely be guards in the room.

"Steve, I found the room," you said through your earpiece. You subdued the agent guarding the room where the flash drives were, and as the door swung open, more than twenty HYDRA agents stood before you, blocking your view of the drives on the computer table.

“Y/n, what did you just say? Get out of there now! Do you even know how many agents are in there?" Steve's urgent voice echoed in your ear.

“I do now," you replied, still facing the agents, who were also eyeing you cautiously.

"Y/n, this is an order. Get. Out. Of. There. Now.” Steve commanded, his tone almost a shout.

“Sorry, Steve, but people's lives depend on this.” you declared, charging toward the agents, disregarding Steve's pleas for you to retreat.

“Steve, I really don't understand what the big deal is. I got one of the drives, and yes, I went alone, but at least I obtained something that will help us.” you reasoned, taking a seat.

“Alright, y/n, I'm definitely sure now that you are deaf. You entered a room with so many HYDRA agents-" he began, only to be cut off by you.

“They were like 10 and they were really weak-" you defended.

“They were 27 trained assassins!” he corrected, making you widen your eyes.

"And do I need to remind you that your leg has been shot, and you can barely keep your eyes open, not to mention the rest of your injuries." he added mockingly.

“Okay, Steve, I get it, and I'm sorry for being reckless. Can we let this go now?" you pleaded, sitting down.

“Let this go?!" he started laughing, though his laugh lacked any humor. Everyone looked at Steve, unable to believe his behavior. They never expected him to speak to you this way, especially in front of the whole team.

You and Steve had been friends since meeting during the Battle of New York. You had a lot in common and quickly connected. A few months later, at one of Tony's parties, he kissed you, and the following day, he asked you out. It had been six months since then, and Steve treated you like a princess. He called you his savior because you helped him adjust to life after being thawed from the ice. He adored you. You had a few minor disagreements, but they were hardly fights, more like disagreements. You could never stay mad at each other, and now you couldn't believe the man who was laughing at you and humiliating you was the same person.

"Steve, I think that's enough," Nat finally intervened, her voice calm yet firm.

"Is it really? I think baby y/n hasn't learned her lesson yet.” Steve retorted sarcastically.

“Fuck you, Steve. You can't speak to me like that. I'm not a kid. If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't even have that one drive, and god knows how many people could have died. But you can't even realize that because I disobeyed ‘Captain America's orders,' and no one is allowed to disobey America's 'hero.' The only kid between us is you!” you shot back, your voice rising, though not as loud as Steve's had been.

“I'm a kid, y/n? Really? And what are you, a hero? Do you expect me to thank you now? Do you expect all of us to be on our knees thanking you?!" Steve challenged.

“That is not what I said!" you finally snapped.

The tension in the room escalated, and the team grew more uncomfortable by the second.

Steve smirked at your angered state.

“What's the matter, y/n? You seem a little bit defensive. I thought you liked being a hero. You know, because of the guilt, since you started killing and torturing people at the age of 8.”he said, still wearing the hurtful smirk on his face.

The whole team gasped, especially Natasha, whose story paralleled yours. You looked at Steve, unable to believe what he had just said.

“You seem shocked, Agent y/l/n. Oh, and Natasha, don't take this the wrong way. We all make mistakes in our life, but at least after we realize our mistakes, we try to make them up as soon as we can and not run away like a coward.” Steve continued, ignoring your reaction. You and Natasha widened your eyes, understanding what Steve was referring to."Steve..." Nat began, but Steve cut her off.

“I'm not done yet. Some of y'all look confused, well, let me explain it for you," Steve said, addressing the rest of the team.

"Steve, don't." you murmured, your voice weak now. You weren't even sure if anyone heard you, and you were right. No one heard you, but Steve who chose to ignore you.

“Our dear y/n y/l/n was a well-trained assassin back in the years with Natasha Romanoff in a place called the Red Room, which I'm sure you've heard about. Before even Natasha was out of there, Agent y/l/n found a way to leave the Red Room, a way to save every girl, from children to adults, who were mind-controlled into killing, and even worse. But do you know what she did instead?" he turned around the room, looking at everyone as if it was a show. No one said anything; they just kept looking between you and Steve. It was getting harder for you to focus on your breathing.

“Well, in case you haven't guessed yet, she just left everyone who could've been saved, even her best friend who is sitting right here with us.” he said, pointing at Nat.

“And even though she could've killed Dreykov, who was the leader by the way, with her genius plan, she didn't because she was a coward.” he said, emphasizing the word coward.

You've never felt so small and betrayed. You couldn’t believe he was using your awful past against you. When you confided in him, he comforted you, assuring you it wasn't your fault. That you’ve been through a lot and you took the only chance you had to save yourself. And now… now he was a different person.

“Cap that’s enough, it’s not our business what she did in the past. We all did something in some point that we aren’t proud of. She made up for that mistake many times now, since the battle of New York until today’s mission. I’m sure she still feels guilty and you’re just making it worse.” Tony looked at your trembling sight, standing up from his seat and walked towards Steve. The rest of the team nodding along, glad that Tony stood up for you because they were frozen themselves.

“Oh yeah Tony, you’re right I’m sure she feels guilty, don’t you y/l/n?” He looked at you as if you were a kid

Everything about him was hurting you right now. His voice tone that humiliated you in every way, his eyes that sent daggers to your way, his body that was intimidatingly towering yours, his smile which always made you happy and now it was only mocking you. Your throat is dry, your eyes are wet and you feel like your heart is going to come out of your chest in any second. You were hurt and unwell, and everyone could see that, everyone but Steve.

“Agent y/I/n do you feel guilty about your past?" He repeated his sarcastic question.

"I wouldn't worry about that too much since you have a good way to cope with your guilt right?" He continued.

You looked up at him frighteningly, understanding where he was going.

“Steve don't you dare." you whispered, finally being able to say something.

Everyone was confused since they had no idea what you both were talking about.

“you seem scared agent." Steve smirked at you sending shivers down your spine. It hurts so much more that he wasn't even using your name anymore, he felt like a stranger to you.

“SHUT UP!" you had never yelled so loud in your life, the whole jet shook. Everyone flinched but Steve. It seemed like he was waiting for this.

“Come on y/n are you that afraid of everyone knowing how you used to deal with your problems, or do you still do it?"

Everyone was quite once again, something in them wanted to know what Steve was talking about but they also didn't because of the way you reacted.

You looked at him not saying anything but your eyes were begging him to stop. You've never been in such a vulnerable position, especially considering everything you’ve been through.

“oh don't tell me you're gonna cut your wrists open again because you feel guilty you didn't get the second driver."

Everyone froze and widened their eyes, silence filling the jet. No one knew that you used to harm yourself until you started dating Steve, he was the first person to ever know. You felt so comfortable around him that you didn't want to have any untold secrets.

You thought about what if you guys break up but you convinced yourself that even if you guys separate your ways from each other at some point, you're definitely going to stay friends and he's never going to tell your secret to anyone because you believed he was a good man. You trusted him more than yourself and now he proved you all wrong.

You didn't cut anymore, because you found a way to save people. If it wasn't for Nick Fury, making you join the team you'd be long gone by now. But you didn't have a reason anymore, you were happy you had a new family and a new job, everything was perfect for you. Now you felt alone all over again and you didn't even blame Steve, you blamed yourself. You failed.

You started trembling more and started to see black spots. The team walked towards you to see if you were okay. Thor pushed Steve away, "Stay away from her," he warned, before walking to you. You heard Tony and Natasha yelling at Steve, Clint trying to calm them down but looking angry himself, Bruce and Thor asking you if you were alright, but you couldn’t hear anything anymore. It was so loud, but you only heard annoying mumbles. You let out a sob before passing out in the strong arms of the god, the last thing you saw being Steve's worried eyes…

A/N: This was my first (published) fan fiction. I apologise for any writing and/or grammar mistakes considering that English isn’t my first language. Feel free to correct me! If you enjoyed this, please let me know and let me know if you want to be tagged in the upcoming posts! (This fic will make a twist;))

[cotl-flower-crown]

My experience with Fang

My story in all of this is not that important, it's mostly just a petty drama between me and Fang. Please aim your support towards @catatombi and others mentioned in the original doc in their post: https://www.tumblr.com/catatombi/756286505510666240?source=share

I suppose since I'm somewhat involved in this and the other side seems to misinterpret my issue with fang, I feel compelled to explain myself. It might be a bit jumbled up, because I'm writing this in the middle of the night and I'm a bit sleepy.

cw: mentions of self harm and suicide

So me and Fanged met in a discord server that we were both in for a while. We and a few other wonderful individuals were hanging out, loving each other's art, talking and other stuff. We weren't exactly close, but we enjoyed each other's company.

One day I decided to share a story I wrote for my beloved Red District au (aka Gang au) which included an abuse scene between Grinder and Lambert. I have represented the two before as them having at least a sexual relationship (to be honest I do not remember if I ever depicted them as specifically romantic, I may have, but I cannot tell) and at the time I was toying with the idea of dipping into the dark side of the pairing. I was not trying to make it look like it was an romantic act (which that's what romanticizing means by the way), it was a scene straight up from a thriller. I left appropriate content warnings above the story. Fang saw them and read the story knowing that it would make him upset, he told us as much (sadly I do not have the screenshot to prove it, I don't know if that server still exists tbh). I felt really bad for him afterwards and it made me question myself. He later on appeared in my pms and from my perspective insinuated that I romanticize abuse, which I do not believe I did. The pms in question: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1zYN84ZT1xIAsxrQ8WvdwSlwUviT7InoB I admit it's not the best look to draw nsfw art of an abusive couple, though I would like to make it clear, the dive into the dark side begun after I was already made those drawings, I did not made them with the potential abuse in mind. With the story, I was just experimenting with how realistic can this relationship become. The au had barely any debt at the time and I wanted to make something deep. I was never really given an opportunity to elaborate on that. At the moment of the pms, I was scared for Fang, because he reacted very strongly to that story and I was worried for him and ended up backing out completely from the direction I wanted to take. Him telling me that he had 4 panic attacks over my story didn't help in the slightest. It just made me want to agree with him more, so he would feel more comfortable. I don't want to hang this over his head, because in the end it was my decision to change things in my au to fit his preferences. It could be a lot darker than what I have now, but what I have now is also good, you know. However, I'm not sure how else to describe it, but I wish I was told at the moment "hey, it's ok, you don't have to feel compelled to change YOUR story to fit MY preferences, because it's not my story, it's yours and if I'm not comfortable with this, then I shouldn't get involved". But he didn't, instead he encouraged me to keep it "clean", because he thinks that Grinder is hot and therefore he can't be an abuser apparently (sarcasm). So... whoops. It's not something that breaks a friendship tbh. I just want to let everyone know that I wasn't romanticizing abuse, because Fang's friend in their responce insinuate that I do. I don't. It was Fang who implied it. I don't romanticize abuse, I don't condone it, I despise it. But at the same time I'm not gonna say that abuse doesn't have the highs that make the victim stay by his abuser. It can be about money, it can be about security, it can be about sex and romance too. Back then for Lambert it was for all of those reasons. It was because when there were no bad days, there were the good days, great days even. Days that would make him question his own sanity, make him think that "this isn't so bad" before reality hit him in the face with a crash. Sometimes I wish I could tell that story instead of the misunderstood cat boy and a wolf in sheep's clothing. The thing is that I wasn't doing anything wrong and Fang made me think I did. I guess it happens sometimes and I don't really hate him for it, tho I wish he didn't pm me that night. I hope he gets help he desperately needs and avoids the spaces that make him uncomfortable if he can.

What really broke off out friendship was the situation on Itaku. I was following him there because I thought of him as a friend and he makes lovely artwork. I knew that he made gore artwort, but I don't hate gore, so the fact that he was drawing it in general wasn't an issue. One day I scroll through the feed and BOOM, a graphic piece "assaults" my eyes. Made me squirm a little. Very well made artwork, but fuck, I sure wish I could consent to that view. There was very clearly no content warning, because if there was, I would be allowed to make a choice on whether or not I want to see gore. So I leave him a friendly comment, something like "Nice artwork, wish there was a content warning tho" and I thought that would be it. But instead it turned into a debate that ended with him blocking me on Itaku. The debate in question can be read here: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1z0rC4gxUOzfI_qUu9BRcThOufc_uF9np I was confused and angry when I learned about it, because I ended the discussion with "agreeing to disagree" and yet he still blocked me. And admittedly in the petty glory I decided to block him back on all my social medias. I wanted to unblock him the next day, once my emotions cool down, and propose a compromise. Anyway, I log on to see that Fang left me a message in the one place I forgot to block him at that left a poor taste in my mouth and made me think "this man is full of shit and I don't want to deal with him". He tried to love-bomb me at first, specifically mentions that he wants to be unblocked on my nsfw account, doesn't really mention the other places, really showing where his priorities lay. Then he tries to excuse himself, saying that the PSA he made wasn't about me, but it appeared directly after our debate, how am I supposed to not take that as vague posting? So that was the first lie. He then mentions my art again, saying that he's gonna miss it, not me, a friend, tho I guess, I feel very valued by that, thanks (sarcasm). He makes excuses again, he "warns" me that there are a lot of medias does the same thing he does, including cotl itself, which isn't true, because most do actually have content warnings these days, including cotl. Besides, semi-realistic gore and cartoony gore don't exactly hit the same way. So that's another attempt to deflect. He then talks about how he doesn't know what he did wrong, which I straight up just don't believe him. I didn't know about the vents yet, but most of the conclusions could be deduced from the discussion itself.

Refearing to the vent posts now (they're in the link above) I never told him to censor his art. Itaku has an option to put a content warning, which basically covers up the piece with "warning" written on top and the reasons that the author can add manually. Clearly the tags are not enough, so why not use that? The only reason why Fang wouldn't want to use that tool that he was given, is that it would most likely lower his views. The line "I'm not going to de-boost my content" confirms it. I did not want to block the whole gore tag because I don't hate gore, it doesn't give me PTSD or anything, and it can be cool and beautiful when done right. Gore tag includes a lot of variety and blocking it ALL would feel like a waste. But also if your art makes me - someone who can take the blood and guts pretty well - imagine some random person, who cannot take the gore and has no idea about blocking the tags, stumbling onto your art and being met with an image of a bloody spinal cord. If there is a tool that allows you to warn your viewers that "hey, this one is a bit graphic", if I click on it anyway, that's on me. It's my choice to view it and I can't blame Fang for it. Fang, by refusing to put up a content warning, strips me and other viewers of that choice. A tag is not gonna fix it. I'm sure that those who wanted to follow Fanged for his other artwort, would appreciate the content warning as well. I said as much in the comments. Looking at it from the other side, remember that story I wrote about earlier? What if I decided not to put up content warnings? Bet Fang wouldn't be very happy about it either. So it's fine for ME to get disturbed without my consent, but when it's Fang that sees something graphic by his own volition, then he's allowed to be upset and come to me with a critique? But when I do it, then I get hit with a block? Very classy. The killjoy thing is so stupid, self-depricating humor is a thing and I was aware that my comment might be taken as less than fun, so I was trying to make a joke about it, to break the tension. It wasn't supposed to be hostile in any way. He complains that I don't appreciate him bringing his panic attacks into the discussion which are not related to the topic. If that's not guilt-tripping then what is it? Also the tweet does confirm that he blocked me because he got mad about it. So yeah, sure, PSA not being about me, my ass.

What I took from all this is that Fang wants everyone to respect his boundaries, but he's not gonna respect boundaries of others for his own gains and he will try to deflect blame, because he can't handle criticism. I don't need that toxicity in my life, so I just kept him blocked. One would assume that's what he would want as well, since he blocked me first. The nerve taken to try and wiggle his way into my graces for my nsfw doodles baffles me. I didn't hate him though, not being able to take criticism is not really an evil quality. But I tried to get through to him in the most polite way I could manage and he didn't take it. If that's too much then I can't do better unless I say "You're right and I'm wrong". If I can't express my true thoughts without him taking it as a threat to his safe space, then I'm not going to sacrifice mine for him.

And that was it for me for a while. I wasn't going to talk about this situation at all, unless asked, and people did ask. Because guess what, Fang can say all he wants about how his vent account is private, but that's bullshit. If people can see it, then it's not REALLY private. If you want to have a private space to vent, get yourself a diary. The internet is not a private space, no matter how private you try to make it. But yeah, I learned that Fang was talking shit about me, which was funny at first, until a few months later I learned from Cata about what he did to them and the others. I learned that I was one of the people he cut himself for. He cut himself. Because of this. I can be snarky and passive aggressive all around through this post, but I cannot laugh this off. This is not healthy. This isn't something to laugh about or ignore. It's not about me, it's about what Cata and the others had to go through. Learning about the self harming thing didn't feel good at all and I can only imagine how they felt through out his abuse.

Even now I don't want to hate him. That's not to say that I don't think he's not dangerous. If you've read Catatombi's call out, you know about the suicide pacts, pushing boundaries and just hurting people around him in general. He's definitelly a danger to himself as well as the people he surrounds himself with. But even then, I can get mad and sad about it, but I can't really hate him. This callout is not to hate on him, but warn others against his destructive behavior. In the end what he really needs is to get off the internet, get proffessional help and touch grass. I'm not sure whether or not Fang is actually taking steps to take care of his issues, I really do hope that he does and I cheer him on for it, even if we can't be friends anymore.

And for those who ended up being his victims, even if it wasn't intentional, I hope they can find their peace as well. That is all I really want in the end.

Now excuse me, it's almost 5 am and I need sleep. Goodnight.

[little-teacupss]

My Masterlist + Rules + blog

___________________________________________

Their good fairy. Series

Part one.

Part two.

Part three of part one of castlecoming.

Part three of part two of castlecoming.

Part four the ending. Coming soon

___________________________________________

P.S. - I love you two-shots

P.S. - I still love you.

P.S. - I'll always love you. Coming soon

___________________________________________

May your anchor be tight and your heart be mine. Series

Chapter I.

Chapter II.

Chapter III. Coming soon

Chapter IV. Coming soon

Chapter V. Coming soon

Chapter VI. Coming soon

Chapter VII. Coming soon

More chapters under construction!!

___________________________________________

Famey

The Pirate meets his fairy.

The Pirate and his Fairy.

___________________________________________

Forky

The Pirate and His Fairy.

The Serptine's Jealousy.

___________________________________________

Miscellaneous/Spin offs.

Family Montage - mini fics.

Couples therapy - mini fic

She's yours - angst fic

Memes with MFH and the VK's - meme quotes

Part two of MFH and the VK's - meme qoutes

The trapped fairy - Yandere fic part one

The trapped Fairy pt 2 - Yandere fic part two

Harriet's lullaby - yandere mini fic

___________________________________________

Rules.

1. I do take requests, but there are somethings I will not write

2. Character death, it's just that I've never done it and would have no clue how to set it up - I might be trying it in an upcoming story

3. NSFW/non-con/SA, once again I've never written about it before and would have no clue how to set it up, but also I will not write about non-con/SA, it's not in my morals and not something I support or want to Romanticize. But for NSFW, I will have as far as making out, implied, and off-screen, that is as far as I will go

4. Labor scenes, it would make me uncomfortable to write about something so sensitive, I'll go as far as getting to the hospital and after

5. Omegaverse, sorry in some ways I think it can be written well depending on the person, I'm just not one to those people

6. Suicide, sorry I won't write about that kind of sensitive subject

7. I only write character x character, unfortunately I've tried to do character x reader, and it doesn't work for me either I go into writers block, or it doesn't perform well, or it never gets finished

8. I won't write stories where the partner is bullying the other partner, for example: Bridget x Hook, Morgie x Fay, Maleficent x Fay x Hades. I'm sorry, but it doesn't sit right with me

9. Domestic abuse, once again, goes against my morals and trauma, but also I won't write about that kind of sensitive topic

10. At the moment I'm only writing for Descendants, but I will notify when I'm writing for other Randoms

And that's all for Rules for now.

___________________________________________

Blog.

On tumblr got under little-teacups. I'm a minor, I go by she/her, I will not allow any kind of bullying, I also believe you can give criticism without being a prick.

Tagged Creators: @giveityourworst

My co-founder/creditor of the MFH ship: @giveityourworst

Remembering Eric Pankratz.

Multi-Universe lores.

Pirate terminology.

My anons

🎃 anon - pronouns they/them

🦐 anon - pronouns he/they

[heartgold]

as much as it's frustrating how only two of the umi episodes were penned by Sayo in the irl layer, I think it's fascinating to compare them with each other because so much becomes clear when you look at the writing choices in each one side by side

the specific ways in which Legend and Turn differ from each other makes me certain that one was among the first message bottles she wrote whereas the other was one of the last, but it's not clear which is which -- it depends on how you interpret her internal journey and process of creating all these tales and fragments. Sayo's writing as a whole is very marked by her personal observations of the sins and struggles of the family and using them as mirrors to actually write about herself, using characters as stand-ins that give voice to her own inner thoughts, but both stories are very different in tone and approach

Legend feels almost methodical with the ways the murders and illusions are carried out, and the way her resentment manifests is more controlled, understated. you need to wring it around a bit more to 'see', but in my understanding: it's interesting how the 3 cousins are all made to suffer incredible grief losing their parents and love interests in quick succession (Battler being the only adult cousin who only lost his parents and not a love interest feels important to get him to remember!), but they live until the end then get invited to the Golden Land and choose to resurrect their lost love. By contrast, Natsuhi is put through the wringer through and through while being given the opportunity to be the star of the episode with her struggles as a woman taking the center of the stage, only to lose a duel (!) to Beatrice and be denied entry in the very last moment. there's a lot of conflicting emotions all over the place in both cases which is of course very characteristic of Sayo but I'm fascinated by how the cousins' entire role in this episode is to lose everything they had, experience earth-shattering grief and be led towards a romanticized afterlife where they can heal that grief, making the choice to resurrect the love that was lost, whereas Natsuhi's role is to mirror and portray Sayo's actual interiority and struggles (many that were caused by Natsuhi herself!) that went unspoken her whole life and then be challenged to a duel and get shot. to shoot Natsuhi is to shoot herself. shooting her actual personhood and interiority and struggles to death. as a metaphor for the entire ceremony of Beatrice's revival being a suicide in order to pass on into the afterlife where compartmentalized parts of herself can simultaneously exist as whole and find happiness with their respective love interests. the final step of rejecting reality, seeking love by truly becoming fictional while the human heart of the actress behind the characters dies buried between the lines of the text unless you 'see' it. god she makes me insane. anyway

Turn by comparison is very brutal. Beatrice steps onto the gameboard and is at her cruelest here, and the deliberate narrative choices are dripping with anger, helplessness and sorrow. everything about the focus given to Rosa in her role as the main accomplice who only had eyes for gold vs the framing of the tragedy as the gift of a halloween party for Maria, the wolves and sheep allegory, the way Shannon and Kanon get repeatedly kicked around for trying to resist their fate and wanting to believe in love despite everything. Kanon's "corpse" being desecrated by being forcefully resurrected twice, not being allowed death. the barely contained sexual conflict and trauma in the themes and imagery all over the episode. the way Sayo personally kills Jessica and George and her personas are killed along with them, an utter rejection of the possibility of being loved in reality as something that can only happen in death and fiction, so they all get to die together and be connected by their souls, all portrayed as the innocent victims of a vicious witch. the unspoken horror of one of the few true closed rooms in the game, with Sayo physically killing herself while facing herself in the mirror after doing all that. no one could dispute that a coffin is a closed room. and with closed rooms in this game often symbolizing being trapped in your own logic even though the door was unlocked all along, it absolutely stands for Sayo giving up all hope. Beatrice won, the gold won, the family's curse won, Sayo's worst feelings regarding herself won. Kinzo won too, even as a dead puppet haunting the narrative, he 'lives' to the end and gets his miracle of meeting Beatrice granted again. just that says a lot. Turn is horror after horror and you can only fully grasp that with the context for her writing choices

Legend feels relatively composed and deliberate in its choices of allegory. it also carries a lot of pain and conflicted feelings (particularly with the way she hatewrote Battler in it) but the text in Turn is basically bleeding all of her self hatred and suicidality and conflict over the idea of being loved. Legend is for the most part a straightforward mystery embellished in illusions with her heart still very baked into the text, and it has a big focus on solvability (Eva as the main accomplice basically points Battler toward the solution... which he rejects) and gambling/risk-taking, with multiple moments where Sayo left things out of her hands and up to chance, making it so that she could've been stopped even by accident. and then Turn is basically an eruption of all the horrible feelings churning in her heart. it says a lot that in Legend, she left the people she loved the most alive until the end, as if hoping until the very end for the miracle that at least one of them would see through her and stop her from murdering them, while Turn kills off the cousins (barring Battler due to being the detective) and then herself before the ceremony even ends, destroying all outcomes beyond utter annihilation. Turn is absolutely about her surrendering and leaning right into the illusion she casts on herself of being an irredeemable monster, so Beatrice absolutely plays into that role here. fitting that it ends with Battler surrendering, too

the sheer tonal contrast between these two message bottles tells a story of the journey of how Sayo's mental state changed as she kept writing and running over her murder-suicide plans over and over again -- it can either show her hope and composure deteriorating as she resigned herself to accepting her dead-end of fate (Legend -> Turn) OR the raw emotion she felt in the beginning of the writing frenzy dissipating as she kept going, any result being a satisfactory outcome but still focusing on planning out a difficult but fair mystery, staking her hopes onto the miracle of having it solved by the person who shared her personal philosophy on mysteries (Turn -> Legend). I don't like relying on Confessions too much as "confirmation" of Sayo-related things because it doesn't sit well with me, but if you go by the way it portrayed the process, then it strongly suggests the latter explanation

wish we could have seen more of the countless tales she personally wrote because you can see so much of her personhood hidden within the text, her thought processes, personal views and authoral voice all providing characterization, but the two we got already tell entire untold stories. it's funny that the two first episodes are usually thought of as the least interesting ones on a first read when they're the ones with the most firsthand insight into the culprit's heart and how she felt about everything. the sorrows and pain but the strength of will and hope too

[pennyserenade]

The Hollywood Hedonist Method

pairing: dieter bravo x you, dieter bravo x reader rating: explicit (oral sex (female receiving), pinv, unprotected sex, light dirty talk (a little degrading), sex in public place (?), soft dom!reader, soft dom!dieter tags: references to drugs, talk of suicide (not serious), a self pitying dieter bravo word count: 2.9k+ summary: dieter's movie is bad and he looks to you for a quick fix to a long problem. a/n: is this the most inspired piece i ever wrote? probably not but i did have a lot of fun writing it. i wouldn't say this is my usual writing style, but i'm trying something new on here and i hope you like it. if you'd like to be updated on when i post my writing, follow my writing updates blog @belovedinfidels

He fingers you on the black marble countertop, his mess of crushed ambitions transformed suddenly into a hardy joie de vivre as you accept his tongue into your mouth. Salacious stories be damned: this is better than any page six bullshit could cover, his strong body settled between your widened legs, his long fingers curled in the warm comforts of your body. He breathes you in, drinks you up. 

Your whiskey soaked tactlessness is divine tonight. It offers a heady respite from the impending dark cloud of his self doubt. He doesn’t even mind that you don’t realize how gloomy this shit makes him. He feels like one of those goddamn characters in Sunset Boulevard, switching between the dead bloodied man floating in the pool of his own ambition, and the frenzied, forgotten actress with the warm gun of delusion in her hands. He hates that he’s miserable over his fucking shitty movie, and he’s so hard it’s embarrassing, and a little confusing, and you’re beginning to squirm and he wonders if maybe his tongue might make you shake and—-

“Dieter!” 

You dig crescent shaped imprints on the pale, freckled skin of his shoulders. His tongue makes you shout–better than he could’ve ever hoped for. It’s the ego boost he needs. Plus, you’re so goddamn wet that it’s coating his chin and he’s only just got on his knees. That’s nice, too. 

He licks up to your swollen clit, tonguing it until you let out delightful little mewls and writhe beneath him. When you close your legs around his head, he lets out a moan. You taste like the closest thing to penitence he’ll ever get. He could eat your pussy all night if you let him. Really. There’s some things he knows for certain, some things even bad fucking movies and a deflating ego can’t rob him of, and his love for this is one of them. The act of spreading a woman apart and eating her like she’s ripe pickings from the Garden of Eden almost drives him to romanticism sometimes. He is sure he could write poetry about this. He bets your pussy’d look so pretty on a canvas. He’s never drawn a pussy from memory, but he’s gonna try it tomorrow and—

“Are you okay?” you rasp, looking down at him with a frown. 

Well, maybe it can rob me of this, he thinks bitterly. 

Your grip turns more forgiving in his hair, your fingers sympathetically pushing his locks back from his face. He comes up, his slick-glistened lips forming into what you suspect is meant to be a reassuring grin. It looks more like a grimace. You run a thumb affectionately over his cheek and he groans, pushing it off with his shoulder. He positions himself back between your legs. When you pull at his hair again, trying to get him to look at you, he winces sharply. 

“Dammit,” he mutters, dark eyes deep wells of glazed frustration. “If I don’t make you cum I’m going to jump out of the window,” he deadpans. 

You’ve always hated the kind of people who make you wonder what’s a joke and what’s not, because it’s a constant commotion of miscommunication. Life becomes a bad joke, a joke that is in constant need of explaining, and you’ve never liked that. Dieter is the sort that seems to be hanging on the edge of I don’t know, the kind who seems to be supplanting real answers for half funny, half serious ones. The uncertainty he posits is a product of the uncertainty he feels - you can tell already - but you’re not exactly enthused to decipher him for the rest of your life. 

You frown. You’d only met him under strobe lights not even two months ago, shouting over the music to get to know one another. He had tasted of stale cigarettes and early morning remorse, and he’d taken you in the women’s bathroom, pressed you against the bathroom stall, and fucked you with bruising intensity. Then he had written his number on the palm of your hand, and kissed you chastely on the mouth after it was all over. There’s no future here. You won’t be deciphering anything. 

“Sit on my face,” he implores. Dieter delivers the sentence like he’s asking you if he can hold your hand. His fingers grip at your thighs and his breath grazes the inside of your legs. When he presses his lips to the side of your cunt, you close your eyes against the sensation. He tongues the spot, laughing shakily as you ease underneath him. Your hips press forward and he takes it as acceptance. “Or don’t,” he says. His tongue teases at your lips, and you can hear the grin in his tone when he says, “I’ll eat you out like this. That’s just fine, too.” His tongue nudges into your opening and you gasp. Your hand finds his hair again. “But tell me you want it.” 

His lips press to the side of your pussy again. You gush involuntarily at the sound of a husky voice, at the way he hovers over you with the promise of more. 

“Mm.” You look down your body at him, making eye contact as he presses kisses closer and closer to your glistening clit. He nods his head at you, encouraging you as he begins twirling his tongue around the area. “Actors are so goddamn self absorbed,” you say. He nods wordlessly again, smiling against your skin. He doesn’t tongue your clit, though. You want him badly to take it into his mouth. To suck—

“Fuck, please,” you plead. “I want it.” 

His eyes glimmer. You feel his hot breath all over you, and can hardly stand the sensation of it. You want to ride his face, make him bring you to orgasm your own way. You nearly forget his sad, petulant attitude in your impatience. 

He takes your clit in his mouth, sucks eagerly as you stroke your nipple through the thin cotton of your dress. Dieter is greedy even in his giving, taking as much of you as you’ll let him. He enters a finger into you—a finger that goes in with an embarrassing ease—and then another when you moan lewdly into the enclosed air of this someone else’s bathroom. His face moves with your hips, letting you rock against the rhythm his own fingers set. You moan his name and he goes faster, and you feel on the brink of imploding. 

Your eyes close and you focus on his mouth, and the fury with which he works at your swollen clit, and you think of his fingers, and the way your cunt clenches around them, large as they are. As you cum against his mouth with an unapologetically guttural moan, he surprises you with the seriousness of his intent—how he does not look up at you or smirk against you, but works devoutly at building another orgasm up. You grip the edge of the sink and your head thuds against the mirror as it lolls back. The glass reverberates but neither of you care; your ass is gradually rising off the counter and his body is rising up, one of his legs kneeled on the ground and the other one hovering. He makes you cum again in a matter of seconds. 

In between your second and third orgasm, his belt buckle jingles open and he’s risen all the way up. He comes up for air, his chest rising and falling rapidly, and then he kisses you on the mouth. He’s wet with your juices down to his chin and he’s not afraid to spread the taste of you against your tongue. There’s a drop of pre-cum wetting the blue of his tight boxer shorts. You grab onto his jean loops and jostle him closer. He comes without protest. 

“You shouldn’t ask a man how he feels when he’s eating you out,” he tells you. His head is pressed against your chest and he’s looking down at himself, at the way his cock is strained in his boxers. He’s hard as hell. He looks back up at you with intense eyes. “It’s likely he feels pretty fucking good.” 

“Shut up,” you groan. You stuff your hand down the front of his open jeans and his neutrality fades into a smirk. His hips jerk as you palm him and he whimpers, desperate as ever. You fist his hair, driving his neck back so you can kiss along the column of his throat. “The movie wasn’t even that fucking bad,” you tell him. He laughs and you feel his Adam’s apple bob against your lips. You suck at the skin there. If he minds, he doesn’t say. His eye lashes flutter against his cheeks and he happily grinds against your hand. You think you could make him beg, if you wanted. You think maybe he wants to. 

You withdraw your touch suddenly and he whimpers, pupils blown wide with desire. He goes from confused to uncertain. “What?—“ 

“Ground,” you command. He nods curtly. 

He peels off his jeans and underwear on his way down to the cold, sterile tile, making no qualms about being bare ass naked on his employer’s bathroom floor. They are downstairs and they’re partying, and even if they weren’t he wouldn’t give a damn anyway. That’s the appeal of him, isn't it? It’s why the public buys the magazines and watches the movies he’s in. Dieter is a brilliant train wreck and they want to see. 

That movie they put him in was so goddamn commercial and so heartless, and so contrived. He hopes he gets cum on the black shower mat because of what they’ve done to him. 

“I’ve got no condom,” he tells you suddenly, remembering. This had been so spur of the moment. A hand on your knee under the table turned to a hand in your underwear and suddenly you were both up here. His face scrunches up, waiting for rejection. 

He supposes he could make do, maybe just ask you to talk to him while he masturbates this hard-on away. Are you into that sort of thing? He supposes it’s a little exhibitionist, and he knows that’s not everyone’s cup of tea but—

You don’t seem to give a shit. You straddle his hips and look down at him. You’re still a little loopy from your orgasms but confident in your approach-confident that he wants this badly as you think he does and goddamnit if you’re not right. He ought to be responsible and ask you the slew of questions responsible people ask before they bury their cocks into nice women such as yourself. Birth control? Have you fucked anyone else and do you think they might’ve given you something? When’s your birthday? Middle name? But he doesn’t. He breathes steadily beneath you, excited and so fucking worked up he’s afraid the first heavenly push into you might be the last one if you’re not careful with him. 

He doesn’t even know if you won’t tell the paps about this. Maybe you will. Maybe the price of this will be a magazine spread featuring a bad airport photo of him and the headline “DIETER BRAVO OUT OF CONTROL: L.A. FLING TELLS ALL.” And this L.A. fling will know all, will have everything to tell. In a matter of seconds he tries to decide what kind of person you are. He softens a bit, and you notice immediately, and that fresh Hollywood self pity is back and he softens some more.  

Before you can ask if he’s okay again, he heaves a telling sigh. “Too much or not enough drugs,” is his response. It was good while it lasted. What’s the worst that can tell them now? That he eats pussy to make up for his drug induced impotence on bad days? 

You look confused, maybe even a little wounded. No, you are wounded. He squeezes your hip as if to say “You did your best” and this hurt flashes more visibly across your face. Well. 

“Coward,” you tell him. His eyebrows raise to his hairline. 

“Hm?” he answers.  

You lean down, whisper it to him. “You’re a self pitying coward. It’s not the drugs. You’re making yourself miserable.”

“Listen—“ he starts indignantly, but you shake your head. Oddly, he’s getting stiff again. This has been the most embarrassing night of his whole fucking life—and perhaps the most telling. 

You look down between your bodies, pleased. “My theory was right.”

“Please,” he groans, “no more or I’m going to kill myself for real.” 

You laugh and it’s so genuine and that he laughs too, despite himself. You might be laughing at him for all he knows but it doesn’t feel like it. He decides once and for all, looking at you, watching you, that you won’t tell about this or about anything. If you wanted to, you would’ve already. And most importantly, he simply doesn’t want to believe you could be someone like that. He isn’t a coward. Not all the time. He takes a chance on you, here, now. 

“Are you on birth control?” he asks. You nod your head. “Have you been tested lately?” You nod your head again. He smiles. “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” 

You check yes — or at least he thinks. You kiss him tenderly, more tenderly than is good for him, and you both fall back into your hurried, lust riddled motions. You take his growing hard on in your hand and guide him into you. You lean your forehead on his and let him sheath himself inside of you. He goes slowly, wincing against the warmth of you squeezing around him. It feels so fucking good—dangerously good. He forgets about the stupid movie and the bosses down stairs and all that miserable shit about ruining their rugs.  

“Do you like it when I’m mean to you?” you whisper, once he’s fully inside. He looks at you, amused, and shrugs his shoulders. 

“I don’t know. Seems like it.”

“Do you think you’d like if…If I was controlling?”

He hums against your shoulder, bringing your body closer to his. “How so?” he asks. He begins guiding your hips, lifting you gently off his cock and slowly back down. 

“Make you beg,” you say quietly. “Maybe call you names, if you want. Maybe tell you how good you are when I think you’re good.”He twitches inside of you and you smile. He smiles too. 

“Actors are so self absorbed,” he jokes.

“Your movie wasn’t bad,” you assure again, more kindly. He doesn’t respond. He kisses the place between your neck and your shoulder. You quicken the pace that you ride him in and he nods gratefully, sighing softly. His knees draw up and you reposition slightly, feeling him more deeply inside of you as you grind back down into him. 

“Do you want to cum?” you ask him. You drive your hips up, gripping onto the hands he has on your hips, making him move in your slow, teasing pace once again. He bites at his bottom lip and doesn’t respond. You stop moving. He flashes his eyes up at you, annoyed and aroused and vaguely infatuated. “Of course,” he breathes out. 

“Tell me,” you taunt back. You resist when he tries to move you back down and he groans, but you feel him twitch in you again. 

“I know you want me to fuck you too,” he counters. 

“Sure,” you nod, “But remember: I’ve already cum three times and you’ve cum none. I think I can withhold far longer than you.”

He can’t help but smirk. That’s not good enough for you. You want him far gone for you, incoherent practically. You rise off his cock completely and he lurches forward, groaning. “No!” he says. “I want to cum!” he says, pawing at you. “Please!”

You hover over his glistening cock and pout. “Didn’t seem like it,” you taunt, moving your hips over him but not touching. His lips part but no words come out. “I want it to seem like it. You’re a big boy, Bravo and you can use your words, can’t you? I hate a man who can’t use his words—who’s afraid to.” You lean down, close to his ear. “I hate a coward.” 

“I—I can use my words,” he stutters. His fingers brush against your hips. “Please, just climb back on me and keep riding me. I—I need that.”

“Tell me.” 

“Fuck,” he grunts. “I need it so bad.” 

You grab his cock, stroke it lazily. “Again,” you say. His face twists up in what could be either pleasure or pain and he says, “Please. I need it. Need you.” 

He’s as hard and desperate as he was before. You kiss him hard on the mouth and allow him to take over again, guiding you down onto him this time. He flips you over, lays you down against the ground, and drives into you. You gasp and he smiles like he’s won a prize. 

“Can I—“ he fills you to the hilt. “—is it alright if I…Can I cum in you?”

You nod your head. He looks at you and you understand he wants more than just a nod. “Yes,” you answer. 

It doesn’t take much more than that. He gathers up your legs, drives into you with one or two more inspired thrusts, and then he’s growing rigid against your body, hot spurts of his cum filling you. He exhales softly into your neck. You think he might apologize for a moment but he doesn’t. Instead he thanks you. 

“Feel better?” you ask. He nods. 

“Much,” he says. “Hell—I might really be starting to think that the movie wasn’t so bad.” When he looks at you, you can tell he’s kidding. 

“Well,” you joke back, “At least even the bad movies get you fucked, huh?”

[ca-suffit]

this ask won't post so I'm trying it this way:

Btw notice the way certain Lestans love to go "but that wasn't in the books!" when it's about something that paints Lestat negatively, especially when it concerns s1 ep 5 and the mental gymnastics Bullshit they do to make Louis the so called mutual abuser of this relationship or claim Lestat's violent actions was really Armand's mind control. Hello, in the books Lestat rapes a woman, hits Nicki and his turning of Louis reads more like assault, but they're not complaining about those parts being excluded or modified. Hmmm wonder why?

S2 Ep 5 with Armand throwing Daniel like a rag doll and emotionally manipulating Louis after he got pulled from a failed suicide attempt, that part wasn't in the books either. It's of the best written episodes in the whole show, featuring how horrific Armand can really be with truly impressive acting from both Assad and Jacob. But Lestans weren't like "omg this scene makes Armand even More evil" or throwing a fit about book accurate scenes, nooo it's part of their "but we've been telling you all he is awful and Worse" posts, gleefully embracing it as they feel justified for condescending to fans of color, for reducing a relationship between two POC this season and dismissing its complex layers and nuance.

So they reject adaptational changes when it shatters the romanticization of their beloved white character, but latch onto anything show specific that will add to how terrible and controlling the South Asian character is just so they can prop up Lestat and make him look better. Like you stans really think POC don't see through this shit? Not the first this has happened in a racist fandom and it won't be the last.

[quamaii]

I am very normal, so I decided to assign all of the Our Wonderland main cast a Jack Off Jill song, as well as some duo songs. These are my personal interpretations of the songs and characters, however if I did get something blatantly wrong, please let me know. Admittedly I am not the most confident in some of these, but I think they work for the most part.

Spoilers as well as TW for self harm, suicide, abuse, and other dark topics under the cut!

Iggy — Strawberry Gashes:

Blaming yourself for the death of a friend due to suicide. Though that exact thing never happens with him (though getting quite close with Orlam), Iggy does often blame himself for the way his friends have turned out which is only exacerbated in Wonderland. The "her" in this song is meant to represent one person, but it honestly works with all of Iggy's friendships.

Turn her over

A candle is lit, I see through her

Blow it out and

Save all her ashes for me

Curse me, sold her

The poison that runs its course through her

Pale white skin with

Strawberry gashes all over, all over

Watch me lose her

It's almost like losing myself

Give her my soul

And let them take somebody else, get away from me

Watch me fault her

"You're living like a disaster"

She said, "kill me faster"

With strawberry gashes all over, all over me!

Genzou — Underjoyed:

Depression and all the self-deprecating thoughts and behaviors that come with it. Very representative of Genzou's mindset throughout a majority of the game. Also mentions alcohol as a coping mechanism.

An old friend convinced me that he was underjoyed

He never caused friction, his ego, he destroyed

He made a decision, he jumped into the void

Or maybe

Drown your fears in alcohol, everybody spills and falls

Choke on every dream you ever had

Drown yourself in alcohol, everybody slips and falls

Choke on every dream you ever had

Keep yourself in six degrees, no one ever comforts me

Why should they bother when I'm alone?

Orlam — When I Am Queen:

Someone with self-harming/suicidal tendencies fantasizing about when they will be crowned royalty and worshipped. They dream about being in control, getting revenge on everyone who wronged them, and seemingly try to romanticize their self harm.

When I am queen, I will insist

With perfect scars upon my wrists

That everything you once held dear

Is taken away from you

But until then, I'll have to

Drown, drown, drown myself!

Drown, drown, drown myself!

Drown, drown, drown myself!

Drown!

Gidget — Cinnamon Spider:

Feelings of guilt and inadequacy. I'm not entirely sure what the song is about, but there is a theme about breaking free from expectations and reclaiming what is yours. Also, spider motif.

Consumed by hate and guilt, she'll never retire

Too old to fix, too dead to ever acquire

Slit wrists, talk shit but she will never inspire

A plan to save herself, the cinnamon spider

I, I, I, I, I won't try, I, I!

And I every time I tell that lie, I live without guilt

And I, I, I, I, I won't cry, I, I!

And I hope you love your life and live with your guilt

Bucks — Horrible:

Hatred. Both for yourself and the world. Bucks seems to be a very nice and genuine person at heart, but people's expectations of her cause her to turn into a hateful and angry person, both consciously (her joking about how she's a monster and playing up how tough she is) and unintentionally (developing restrained anger at being forced into a lifestyle she didn't want).

Fade into yesterday, searching for my youth

Trying to digest it all, searching for the truth

Self centered devil spawn, this makes me durable

Or am I criminal? I'm fucking horrible

Horrible!

And everything's horrible

Horrible

Cecil — Vivica:

Looking into a friend's toxic relationship. Lyrics are very reassuring, talking about how you'll always be there for Vivica (who's Gidget in this case), and that she is very much beautiful and worthy of love and he (never given a name) is simply unaware. This song is mostly representative of Cecil's relationship with Gidget to me, however since they are so connected I feel like it's okay to put it as a solo song. The "he" represents a lot of different people to be homest, I feel like Iggy is the most obvious but it could also be Gidget's mom or generally anyone who's unaccepting of them.

He'll never change, he's just too vague

He'll never say you're beautiful

Oh, Vivica, I wish you well

I really do, I really do

The apple falls far from the tree

She's rotting and so beautiful

I'd like to keep her here with me

And tell her that she's beautiful

She takes the pills to fall asleep

And dream that she's invisible

Tormented dreams, she stays awake

Recalls when she was capable

Genzou/Iggy — Love Song:

Exactly what the title says. Has to be the most wholesome of JOJ's songs, hence I have assigned it to the healthiest relationship in the game.

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am home again

Whenever I'm alone with you

You make me feel like I am whole again

However far away

I will always love you

However long I stay

I will always love you

Whatever words I say

I will always love you

I will always love you!

Genzou/Orlam — Cockroach Waltz:

A toxic and codependent relationship. I already mentioned this song in relation to them, but it really does just fit them so well.

We hide in the cupboards

And under the stairs

We poison each other, but we know

That nobody cares

We look at each other

With a compound eye

See something that's nothing

And then start to cry

I am a part of you (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)

You made me want (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)

I am a part of you (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)

I liked you once (oh, oh, oh, oh, oh)

Gidget/Iggy — Surgery:

Wanting to change yourself to try and mend a broken relationship. Themes of surgery and cutting, believing you are diseased and must be cured by the other person. Interesting in that the lyrics fit both Gidget and Iggy's POV: with Gidget trying to change their entire personality and identity to be more appealing to Iggy, and Iggy forcing himself to go along with Gidget's advances, believing it's something he has to do.

I can change, I can cut it open

Look at me the way you did before

I can change, diagnose the symptom

Buy the antidote but not the cure

Hold me under

Cut away this empty

Hold me under

Change the way I feel about you

[radiantvader]

˗ˏˋ Rules ˎˊ˗

Hellooo! I'm genuinely super excited to finally start up my blog! I've been wanting to do it for a while now but I've been too scared to actually commit to this account. Thank you to anyone who's reading this right now, I really appreciate you taking the time to actually read this <3

So, before I start writing anything, I wanted to set up some boundaries since there are a few things that make me uncomfortable.

1. A major part of my content is nsfw (18+) so with all due respect, if you're a minor, please leave. I know I can't stop you from viewing my posts but if you interact with any of them, I'm sorry but I will have to block you.

2. Writing ships is something that I've always found super hard to do since I can't seem to find ideas or be creative while writing them, but, I'm not entirely closed to the idea of writing Anidala one-shots, blurbs, headcanons etc. I will mostly write Anakin Skywalker x Reader or Darth Vader x Reader. However, I accept requests for some other characters like :

Obi Wan Kenobi

Luke Skywalker

Han Solo

Poe Dameron

Leia Organa

Padmé Amidala

3. I'll try my best to write a lot of gender-neutral stuff. However, I can't lie, the chances of me writing MxM content are very low. I just don't know how it works and I'm really sorry if I disappointed any of you guys but I can't write about something I genuinely know nothing about as I'm sure it won't be accurate. I really don't want to mess up and offend anyone, once again, I'm really sorry.

4. I'm okay with writing a lot of kinks and tropes such as :

BDSM

Breath Play

Knife Play

Enemies to Lovers

Size Kink

Corruption Kink

Age Gaps (only if characters are consenting adults)

Blood Play

Anal

Breeding Kink

Infidelity Kink

And much more but I'm too lazy to write them all down. However, Kinks/Tropes/Ships I will NOT write about under any circumstances are :

Rape

Suicide

Self-Harm

Piss/Scat

AniSoka (If you request it, I'm blocking you.)

ObiKin

Age Play (There is a huge difference between Age Gaps and Age Play. I am totally fine with Age Gaps but I will not romanticize infantilism.)

Pedophilia (If you request this, I'm blocking and reporting you.)

Any non-human characters from the SW universe

OmegaVerse

5. Finally, I absolutely love writing but I can't say that I'll answer your requests quickly, especially since I'm really busy with college. However, I promise that I won't take too long, 7 days max. Anyway, I hope you guys like my content, have a good day/night ! <3

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

How do differently do you think Twilight plays out if Bella ends up in Forks due to the sudden deaths of Renee and Phil right before the start of the series? Let’s say she loses them unexpectedly in a car crash or freak accident soon before she would have made the decision to move in with Charlie anyways. Does she survive the yandere simulator? How do things play out with James (assuming we get that far) without Renee’s life being used as bait?

Well, I imagine Bella starts Twilight in New Moon state. She's lost her mother, the parent she feels closest to by far, and someone she loved deeply. I imagine it barely registers that she's going to live with Charlie, who is all but a stranger to her, or that she has to live the rest of her life without her mother.

I imagine Charlie's terrified as here's this girl he barely knows who is clearly not handling the death of her mother well. I imagine he thinks sending her to school is about the only thing he can do along with grief counseling, try to get Bella to live her life and move on as best she can.

Bella... does not do well with this.

So, when Bella thinks Edward's going to kill her in Biology she barely registers it and also isn't that upset. It's, in fact, kind of a nice thought. She'll die horribly murdered by a classmate, it won't be suicide, so Charlie won't be upset that Bella killed herself because she didn't and he can blame this guy. Bella finds herself mildly disappointed when Edward doesn't kill her and instead disappears for a few days.

Edward then shows back up acting weird and trying to engage Bella in conversation. It goes terribly, "I'm here because my mom died, there's no point to life anymore".

The truck also goes nowhere as Bella's too depressed to question Edward on what's happening and how he defied the laws of physics. Bella has reached the level of depression where Hallucination Edward lives, where she doesn't question any amount of weird shit that happens to her because hallucinating your boyfriend is normal.

Edward, in turn, has been told he's in love with Bella and is intrigued and disappointed by her clear lack of interest in him. However, he's able to romanticize her grief, so it's all good.

Bella does quite well because of this for most of Twilight. She's able to take Edward's inhuman nature without batting an eyelash and quietly thinks to herself that dying to assuage Edward's bloodlust is as good a cause as any. When Edward doesn't kill her, she finds herself lying on a hot dude's crystal chest in a meadow.

"Renee would never believe this" - Bella Swan

Bella's not as gung ho to be a vampire, because while Edward's definitely hot and interesting she's feeling very "ugh" about everything and the concept of dating a hot boy who loves her is very "ugh" right about now (doesn't stop Edward though).

However, where things diverge is the James situation. Bella now can't go back to Phoenix as no one is there, she has no good excuse to give Charlie to make him think this is all okay and she hasn't been kidnapped and murdered by the Cullens.

Bella, hating herself, ends up having to give him a suicide note so he at least has closure/James won't use him to try to get to Bella (Bella logic, remember). "I have crawled to Death Valley to be eaten by buzzards, it's been fun, it's me not you."

Edward then takes her wherever, as he would have initially without Bella saying 'Phoenix, it's the place James will never check'. Now, Charlie might be okay, he's protected by the Cullens who remained behind as well as Sam Uley (the only wolf currently transformed).

Given Bella has no real close friends James probably tries tracking down Bella from hotel to hotel as Alice foresaw in her visions. Bella lives a miserable life out of hotel rooms, Edward refusing to turn her when that could make it all over, and Bella contemplating suicide.

I imagine Bella goads Edward into eating her at some point, because at least then her death will be useful for something. Edward does not take this well (and Aro hears quite a tale in Volterra as "the girlfriend I kept human killed herself by making me drink her blood: I broke the law, please kill me")

[sweetmariihs2]

A headcanon-like thing I would like to share about Queen Lorelei

Tw: death during childbirth and some light mentions of suicide and grieving

I love Queen Lorelei (King Roland's deceased wife). She barely appears or it's mentioned in the show? Yes. But oh well. Fandom.

We believe she's that genuinely kind deceased character, that everyone remembers as sweet and beautiful, always more gentle than the world was to her, like a ray of sunshine. She's absolutely adored by everyone and her beauty and kindness always brought all the eyes in the room to her and her sweet laughs and smiles.

But unfortunately she died some time after she got married, during the childbirth of the princes that her body wasn't made to support, because the only reason she got pregnant in the first place was the wishing well, and that action had consequences, which means, she got pregnant indeed but that didn't changed the fact her body wasn't capable of enduring this.

And well, she died because of that. I usually feel really bad about childbirth deaths, because I feel like that could have been avoided months earlier. She was well and healthy but trying to have children took her life, and that just happened because she wanted to have a family and live a happy life.

But well, despite being something that lacks information, her story and character fascinates me, and we try to suppress that desire to see her story through fanfiction and fanmade content.

In my case, I have a constant habit of relating characters to songs, in some cases to whole artists if their whole discography match this character or fandom. For example I can't hear some of Aurora's songs without thinking of Cedric.

In Lorelei's case, it was something I never spoke about, but since we're in a fandom and in constant search for STF related stuff and fan content to keep enjoying our favorite show, I decided to share this.

Basically, I'm a HUGE Lana Del Rey fan since around 2019. I know 90% of her released songs and I also listen to some of her unreleaseds (that despite me knowing a ton of unreleaseds there are more than 200 wandering through the internet so there's no way I know all of them)

During the start of her carreer (actually, her first albums, since her career started years before the debut album) Lana's songs told us stories. Some key words that I would like to relate to her songs are: girlhood, nostalgia and melancholy (+or tragedy if you think about it)

In her first albums (Born to Die + The Paradise Version which is a deluxe of BTD) her songs were centered around nostalgic stories and feelings surrounding girls' experiences. Because she is so beautiful and often delicate while singing about darker topics, it's like her voice and lyric choice just interconnect. She sang about girls who lost their lovers, about beautiful girls that felt unhappy or/because they wasted their youth, about tragic endings, like being taken away from your friends during your teenage years because you guys were doing all kinds of crazy stuff at that time (this song is called This Is What Makes Us Girls), all of this surrounded by a feeling of nostalgia, as if those stories had happened a long time ago.

(Her songs weren't made to romanticize anything, like some people say they were; in fact, a huge part of these songs were inspired by her own life and feelings, and Lana is just telling us stories.)

So, going back to Lorelei, some of Lana's songs remind me of her. Based on what I said you can understand why. But not only that, Lana has some very specific songs that kinds match the fandom's headcanons of how Lorelei would be like (since we have no official info about her character).

Like in the song Blue Velvet, which is a cover from Bobby Vinton's song, but Lana brought a whole different feeling to it. Bringing it to the context of her album, her version sounds a lot more heartbreaking than the original one. The lyrics are about a male character missing his lover, singing about her blue velvet dress and how he will never forget about his love for her, even after she passed. Lana's version has a whole orchestral instrumental through the song and mostly at the end of it, making the song sound nostalgic, tragic and even sounds like some kind of anthem close to the end.

There's also the song Carmen, where there is a girl called Carmen, who attracts all eyes to her and is known for her beauty, but deep inside she's not mentally well, and people seem not to care about or notice how she's feeling. By the end of the song she even gets a love confession (in french), probably hinting at the fact that she receives many of them, but it doesn't matter because those who give them don't really know her or care about it. Despite her state "she's still shining" (in Lana's words), because even though she's suffering, she's still beautiful and loved by people.

In the song Born To Die, Lana sings about enjoying your life while it's still happening, because we're gonna die sooner or later. In the music video the scenes interwine with her sitting in a throne and spending time with a lover, who seems to give her an unhealthy relationship, judging by his aggresive behavior. At the end of the music video they're travelling together by car and her boyfriend, the driver, tries to force her to kiss him back, and because of that their car crashes and she dies in his arms, making him face his guilt because he was the one who did this to her. Tragic ending.

Dark Paradise is a song about grieving a loved one. It was made based on her feelings and her life.

These are some of the songs that match because of the lyrics, but being honest, because of the album being so concrete, the lyrics don't even need to match for me to remember her, because as I said this album is about nostalgic girlhood and melancholia, and she often sings about memories like in the song This Is What Makes Us Girls, that was also inspired by her teenage years when she was taken from her friends, but the memories she carries with them last till this day and it makes her miss those times.

Going to the unreleased, there are so many more. Like the song Angels Forever, where she's singing about memories that at her youth she never thought they were going to end: "we were angels forever, forever angels".

Or Fine China, where she is watching a friend having their first child, and remembering that at her own wedding years ago her groom left her at the wedding, depriving her of the dream life she would have liked to have had, singing "I'm going down now, with all of my fine china and fresh linen, all of my dresses with them tags still on", hinting at what was left of the wedding, of a life she couldn't have, but that she was watching others around her having it in her place. This song kinda reminds me of Roland to be honest, even thought his story with Lorelei isn't really related to their wedding, he was also deprived of a life he wish he could have had. And he had her dresses packed, her stuff still there in the castle, just like in the song the pov had her fine china and dresses with tags still on (they were never used).

It kinda fits even more with that headcanon that Cedric was in love with Lorelei. He never had the chance to live a life with her, and he's a bachelor till this day, watching all the weddings and happy lives through the years but never being a part of them, thinking about what would have happened if life wasn't so cruel.

I had these thoughts and despite being a bit niche I still felt like it should be shared. I know that not many people are fans of listening to recommended songs (at least in my case that's true), but I also made this post for those who already know some of those songs and didn't noticed these connections with Lorelei's story. Those who don't know the songs and want to listen to them now are also very welcomed.

I think about how amazing would be if I made a fanfic about this and using these songs. But I won't do it, it's just a thought. Feel free to do it though, I would absolutely love to read that.

[highestoctanegarbage]

Bit of a yap incoming. Mostly just my brain vomit, cuz I don't got a journal, and this is the closest thing I have to a diary so yeah. I'm just trying to make sense of my thoughts (again). Feel free to ignore.

Low key feel like I don't really belong in this community anymore cuz for the first time in a long time I feel like I finally (somewhat) have my shit together, and I'm kinda, idk, living my best life? lol idk.

Like, I see all my mutuals constantly posting about how depressed, miserable, and suicidal they are, and I used to relate a lot at one point. Like, a lot a lot. But now I kinda feel like an outsider looking in. I wanna chime into the discussions, but I feel like I have nothing to contribute anymore. Plus the fact that I'm way too busy these days to shitpost on Tumblr like I used to.

Idk maybe I am romanticizing and missing my old depressed state. I probably should feel guilty for feeling this way, but I also don't? I guess I got used to being a miserable, anxious dumpster of a person for so long that being a functional normie feels so alien to me.

I mean, I'm living abroad by myself? I'm back in school?? I have a new job??? I'm exercising daily???? I'M MAKING FRIENDS????? Who is she? Cuz she's certainly not highoctanegarbage!

[chuuyascumsock]

Lament of a Bleeding Heart Incorrect Quotes Part One || Spoiler Warning

MC: Chuuya, keep an eye on Dazai today. He's going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Chuuya: Sure, I'd love to see Dazai get punched.

MC: Try again.

Chuuya, sighing: I will stop Dazai from getting punched.

—

MC: While I'm gone, Dazai, you're in charge.

Dazai: Yes!!!

MC, whispering: Chuuya, you're secretly in charge.

Chuuya: Obviously.

—

*Atushi and Dazai sitting in jail together*

Dazai: So who should we call?

Atushi: I'd call Kunikida, but I feel safer in jail.

—

MC: What if I press the brake and gas at the same time?

Dazai: The car takes a screenshot.

Kunikida: For the last time, get the fuck out.

—

MC: I love you guys, you're the best thing that's happened to me.

Dazai: We're the best thing that's ever happened to you?

MC: Yes!

Chuuya: I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you.

—

Akutagawa: MC, my old arch enemy.

Atushi: ... I thought I was your arch enemy?

Akutagawa: I have a life outside of you, Jinko.

—

MC: Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me.

Dazai: Okay, but in my defense, Chuuya bet me 50 cents I couldn't drink all that shampoo.

MC: That's not what I wanted to- you drank SHAMPOO?!

—

MC: You often use humor to deflect trauma.

Dazai: Thank you.

MC: I didn't say that was a good thing.

Dazai: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny.

—

MC: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail.

Dazai: No it's my fault, I shouldn't've used my one phone call to prank call Chuuya.

—

MC: On the count of three, what's your favorite cake? One, two, three-

MC and Dazai, in unison: Chocolate cake peanut butter frosting with chocolate chunks!

Atsushi: Our turn, Kyouka! One, two, three- vanilla!

Kyouka, deadpan: I've never had cake, what is cake.

—

Atsushi: *Screams*

Akutagawa: *Screams louder to assert dominance*

MC: Should we do something?!

Dazai, observing: No, I want to see who wins this.

—

Dazai: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.

MC:

Atsushi:

Kunikida:

Everyone Else At Dazai's Surprise Birthday Party:

MC: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

—

Dazai: So are you flirting right now?

Chuuya: I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU!

Dazai: That doesn't answer my question.

—

MC: Remember when you didn't try to solve all your problems with attempted suicide?

Dazai: Stop romanticizing the past.

—

MC: Hey, it's your turn to wash dishes.

Akutagawa: I'LL WASH THE WALLS RED WITH YOUR BLOOD.

MC: 'Kay, but before that, wash the dishes, also use soap this time?

—

Oda: So, how's MC?

Dazai: Oh, she's well. She's been staying out of trouble lately— which is a lot coming from ME, haha—

MC: *Runs into Lupin* If anyone in the mafia asks, I'm dead. *Runs back out*

Dazai:

Oda:

Dazai: ... I take it back, will you excuse me for just a second? *Runs after MC*

—

Chuuya: What the hell are you writing?

Dazai: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the mafia. I'm letting them know it's private information.

MC, looking over Dazai's shoulder: This just says "fuck around and find out" in calligraphy.

—

MC: That's ridiculous, Dazai and Chuuya don't have feelings for me—

Oda: Yes they do.

Ango: Yes they do

Chuuya and Dazai: Yes we do.

—

Chuuya: I may be "small", but I am not cute!

Dazai: It's adorable when you try to be tough!

Mc: *Nodding her head in agreement*

Chuuya: Stop it! I've killed people! I'm not adorable!

—

Yosano: So... You scored a 28 out of 28 on your mental health questionnaires.

MC, looking at Dazai: That means we're good at mental health, right?

Yosano: It means you're having a crisis.

MC and Dazai: Oh.

—

MC: Chuuya, you have to apologize to Dazai.

Chuuya: ... Fine.

Chuuya: "Unfuck you" or whatever.

—

Dazai: MC, you deserve an award for putting up with me.

MC: Don't say that, you are my award!

Dazai: Chuuya, you deserve an award for putting up with me.

Chuuya: Damn straight I do!

—

MC: Okay, so apparently the "bad vibes" I've been feeling is actually severe psychological distress from being in the mafia—

—

Dazai: MC is the most perfect woman who's never done anything wrong in her entire life!

Chuuya: Never done anything wrong?! She blew up a rivaling mafia's warehouse!

—

MC: Are you ready to commit?

Dazai: Like, a crime, suicide, or a relationship?

—

MC: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight.

Atsushi: But are you shuffling?

MC: Everyday.

Kunikida: What language are you two speaking?!

—

Ango: No, absolutely not.

MC: ...

Ango: What have I said about batting your eyelashes at me?

MC: "That only works on Dazai and Chuuya"...

—

Dazai: I may have accidentally poisoned someone's drink while trying to make a concoction to kill myself.

Kunikida: YOU WHAT—

Dazai: I hope it's mine. *Chugs his drink*

—

Dazai: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? I sing in the shower, I spend an unnecessary amount of time on my looks, and I occasionally commit first degree murder—

—

Chuuya: I know I haven't exactly proposed to MC yet, but in my head we already have a house, two kids, and a dog.

—

Chuuya: I'm so frustrated, I hate everything, and I hate everyone.

MC, voice cracking: Everyone?

Chuuya: *Sighs*

Chuuya: Everyone but you.

—

Dazai: What can I say, I'm charming and irresponsible.

MC: Don't you mean "irresistible"?

Chuuya: No, he doesn't.

—

MC: Smart is attractive, educate me on something I don't know!

Dazai: The mouth of the jellyfish is also the anus.

MC: Stop.

—

Chuuya: Valentine's Day is just a consumerist holiday that holds no real value other than to drive people insane buying heart shaped chocolates for their significant other and pos—

MC: Chuuya, guess what? I wrote you a poem!

Chuuya, already crying: You did?

—

Chuuya: Yesterday, I overheard MC saying "Are you sure this is a good idea?" and that damn Mackerel replying with "Trust me," and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.

—

Atsushi: *Walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium*

MC: Atsushi, what did you think a tiger shark was?

—

MC: We just ate. Why are you making pancakes?

Chuuya: For the dogs.

MC: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Chuuya: They don't know how.

—

Dazai: That was so hot, MC.

MC: I literally called the person who just flirted with you a degenterate dog and told them I hope they get dragged through the streets.

Dazai: I'm so in love with you.

—

MC: I love murder mysteries!

Dazai, trying to impress her: I've been a suspect in over a hundred murder cases.

—

MC: You've got to learn to love yourself.

Atsushi: But don't you hate yourself.

MC: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.

—

Chuuya: You're alive.

Dazai: No need to sound so disappointed.

—

Dazai: Guess what I'm about to get!

Kunikida and Chuuya: On my nerves.

—

Dazai, throwing his head into MC's lap: Tell me I'm pretty!

MC, lovingly stroking his hair: You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are.

—

MC: I made you all playlists!

MC: Akutagawa, yours has only heavy metal, and is dark like your soul.

MC: Dazai, yours has sad songs and blues to pair with your crippling depression.

MC: And Chuuya has the ABBA Gold album.

—

Dazai: Hold on! I'm having one of those things... a headache with pictures.

Chuuya: What the fuck?

MC: He's having an idea.

—

MC: What's it like being tall?

MC: Is it nice?

MC: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?

Dazai: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb 4 chairs, 2 boxes, a small coffee table and 6 oddly placed stools to get what they want.

Chuuya: It was one time!

—

MC: Do you feel any better?

Chuuya: I feel much better now that you here with me.

*Dazai walks in*

Chuuya: I feel half better.

—

Dazai: Someone take me to art museums and make out with me.

MC: But they said not to touch the masterpieces.

Dazai: Well somebody's got to pin the artwork to the wall.

Ango, on a walkie talkie: This is Ango, those idiots are fucking around in the East wing again.

—

*MC is telling a story*

Dazai: Wow, MC, this story has everything! Action! Adventure! Romance!

Atsushi: Romance?

Dazai: I have a crush on her.

—

MC: Come on, Atsushi. Nobody actually believes that Dazai is in love with me.

Atsushi, to the ADA: Raise your hand if you think that Dazai is helplessly in love with MC.

*Everyone raises their hand*

MC: Dazai, put your hand down.

—

MC: You are irrationally angry 365 days a year.

Chuuya: Well, that's just your personal opinion, I don't have anger issues. Do you guys think I have anger issues?

Dazai: Well, I wouldn't really call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.

—

MC: Do you guys ever have a civilized conversation that doesn't require insulting each other every time you get a chance?

Dazai: No.

Chuuya: No.

MC: Didn't think so.

—

Chuuya: When I first met you, I did not like you.

Dazai: I'm aware of that.

Chuuya: But then you and I had some time together.

Dazai: Uh-huh?

Chuuya: It did not get better.

—

Dazai: I told MC her ears flush when she lies.

Chuuya: Why?

Dazai: Look.

Dazai: Hey MC! Do you love us?

MC, covering her ears: No.

Chuuya:

—

MC: You bought a taco?

Chuuya: Yes.

MC: From the same truck that hit Dazai?!

Chuuya, with a mouthful of taco: Well, me starving isn't gonna help him.

—

Dazai, in a high voice, holding barbie: Hey ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

MC, in a deep voice, holding ken: Nonsense, barbie. you're staying home and having my kids.

Chuuya: What the fuck are you guys doing?

Dazai: Playing systemic oppression.

—

Dazai: Hey.

MC: Yes?

Dazai: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it's on?

MC:

MC: Where's Chuuya?

—

MC: In your opinion, what's the height of stupidity?

Chuuya: *Turning to Dazai* How tall are you?

—

MC: *Holds a sign that says "Prom?" outside

Chuuya's window*

Dazai: OH my God, Yes!

MC: *Yelling up* No, tell Chuuya!

Dazai: Hey Shorty! I'm going to prom with MC!

—

MC: Hi, sorry I'm late. I was doing a couple of things and got distracted.

Chuuya: I'm "a couple of things".

Dazai: I'm "got distracted".

—

MC: Two years ago, I married my best friend.

MC: Dazai is still mad about it, but me and Chuuya were drunk and thought it was funny.

—

MC: Dazai and Chuuya annoyed me today with their arguing so I told them that I can't wait to see what they have planned for our special day tomorrow.

Atsushi: There is nothing special about tomorrow.

MC: But there is something special about watching the color leave their faces as panic takes over.

—

MC: *looks at Akutagawa*

MC: Baby boy. Baby.

MC: *looks at Dazai*

MC: Evil.

—

Dazai: The moon looks beautiful, doesn't it?

Chuuya, looking at Dazai: Yeah... but do you know what's more beautiful?

Dazai and Chuuya in unison: *sighs* MC

—

Dazai: Uh, I think I got your lunch. *Holds up a note that reads: 'I am very proud of you. Love, MC'*

Chuuya: Oh yeah. I didn't think this was for me. *Holds up a note that reads: 'Be good. For the love of God, Please be good.'*

—

Kunikida: I haven't seen Dazai and MC for fifteen minutes now.

*Outside a nearby window, a car without a driver inside is seen rolling down a driveway, with Dazai and MC running after it in a panic. Kunikida doesn't look outside at all.*

Kunikida: That probably means they're getting into trouble.

—

Dazai: Hey, do you know the password to Chuuya's computer?

MC: Fuck you, Dazai.

Dazai: Hey!!

MC: No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyouDazai".

Dazai: Oh, no numbers? Not very safe.

—

Mori: Did you take out MC as I requested?

Chuuya: MC has been taken out, yes.

Mori: You have my grat-

Chuuya: It was a great restaurant.

Chuuya: We had a romantic candlelit dinner.

Chuuya: MC proposed afterwards- we're filing the wedding papers.

—

Chuuya: Do you ever get pre-annoyed? Like you already know someone is going to piss you off?

MC: What? No, I—

Dazai: *enters room*

Chuuya: *jaw clenches*

—

Dazai, to MC: You know, Chuuya can be really aggressive, so it's important to take all the necessary precautions when approaching.

Dazai: *blows airhorn at Chuuya* GET FUCKED!

—

MC, Dazai, and Chuuya: *Discussing a plan for a mission*

MC: Any questions?

Chuuya: Uh, yeah, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

MC: Uh, a plan, duh...

Dazai: Chuuya, chill, I know it's weird, but MC has a point.

Chuuya:

Chuuya: THAT WAS LITERALLY A PONY DOODLE WITH A HAT!!

—

MC: Dazai isn't talking to me.

Chuuya: Enjoy it while it lasts.

—

*MC sneezes*

Chuuya: Hey, dumbass, are you sick? Here, let me wrap you in a blanket and hand-feed you some warm soup while singing you a lullaby—

*Dazai sneezes*

Chuuya: Oh my god. Shut the hell up.

—

Chuuya: You're pathetic!

Dazai: You're pathetic-er!

MC: You're both losers.

—

MC: Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve.

Atsushi: I think you mean cards.

Dazai: She did not.

MC, pulling out knives: I did not.

—

Dazai, reading a recipe: Beat three eggs?

MC: It means like in hand-to-hand combat.

Dazai: Ohhhh-

Chuuya: Both of you get out of this kitchen.

—

Dazai: Would you take a bullet for me?

MC: ...yes?

*Chuuya angrily burst into the room*

Dazai: *running away* Great, thanks!

—

MC: Without ugly, there would be no beauty in this world.

Dazai: Thank you for your sacrifice, Hat rack.

—

MC: *About the mission* What's the signal when something goes wrong?

Dazai: We yell, 'oh shit.'

Chuuya: ...That'll work.

—

MC: The results are in, I'm afraid you have updog...

Mori: What's updog?

MC: Chuuya! Dazai! Get in here, I told you I could do it!

—

MC: *sneaking in through their window*

Chuuya: *turning in his chair and flicking the light on* You want to tell me where you've been all night?

MC: I was with Dazai?

Dazai: *turning in his chair* Wanna try again?

—

Mori: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?

MC, whispering: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?

Elise, whispering: Because I have little hands.

MC: Because she has little hands.

—

Chuuya: The first time I ever got upset in front of MC, they put their arms around me and it was so awkward that I had to ask them if they were hugging me or reaching for something on the shelf behind me.

MC: I was doing both, for your information.

Dazai: The first time MC hugged me, it was such a disaster we didn't make eye contact for, like, a week after.

—

MC: I think Dazai is in trouble.

Chuuya: Alright. Struggling to give a fuck, if I'm honest.

—

MC: When I said you should try being friendlier this isn't what I meant.

Chuuya, stirring a cup of tea aggressively: Oh, so now I'm TOO friendly? There's no pleasing you!

Dazai, who broke into their house an hour ago: Two sugars please.

Chuuya: Coming right up!

—

MC: Oh Chuuya, we have a visitor!

Chuuya: Don't tell me it's Dazai.

MC: It's Dazai.

—

MC: Can we go out to get icecream?

Oda: Did you ask Ango?

MC: He said no.

Oda: Then why did you ask me?

MC: He's not the boss of you.

Oda, internally: It's a trap, it's a trap, it's a trap.

—

Tachihara: Do you cook?

Chuuya: I made a cake once.

MC: Yeah, it was good.

Chuuya: Really?

MC: Don't make me lie twice, Chuuya.

—

Dazai: All in all, a 100% successful trip.

MC: But we lost Chuuya.

Dazai: All in all, a 100% successful trip!

—

MC: Akutagawa made Atsushi cry!

Dazai: Atsushi always cries!

Atsushi: That's not true! *cries*

—

MC: You need a hobby.

Chuuya: I have a hobby!

MC: Drinking wine and brawling Dazai isn't a hobby.

—

Dazai: Look, I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like MC a little bit.

Kunikida, holding Dazai's notepad: You doodled your wedding invitation.

Dazai: No, that's our joint tombstone.

Kunikida: My mistake.

—

MC: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the Dazai way.

Chuuya: Isn't that the wrong way?

MC: Yes, but it's faster.

—

Akutagawa: Sometimes I like to place my hands on someone's cheeks, look into their eyes...

Akutagawa: ...And violently jerk their head until it snaps.

Atsushi: ...That took an unexpected turn.

MC: So did their neck.

—

Mori: *To MC, Dazai, and Chuuya after a failed mission* I hope you have an explanation for this.

Dazai: We have three actually-

MC: Pick your favorite.

—

Q: Adults are the most insanely stupid people I have the displeasure of interacting with.

Chuuya, referring to him and MC: Even us?

Q: Especially you guys.

MC:

Chuuya:

MC: Petition to kick Q out so he stops insulting us.

Chuuya: Seconded.

—

Chuuya: WHO ATE MY BREAD?!

Chuuya: I'M GOING TO FUCKING K-

MC: I did?

Chuuya: Kiss you and buy some more, you haven't been eating anything today MC.

*walking away*

MC:

MC: He's gone Dazai.

Dazai, coming out the closet with bread stuffed in his mouth: Twankh uh!

—

MC: Hi, who's this? Dazai changed all of my contacts to mythical creatures.

Chuuya: What's mine?

MC: Dwarf.

Chuuya: WHAT THE FUCK, I'M NOT THAT SHORT?!

MC: Oh, hey Chuuya.

Chuuya: FUCK YOU!

-

Rival Mafia Member, smugly, after security arrives to escort Chuuya, Dazai, and MC out: So, do you wanna walk out of here or do you wanna be carried out?

Chuuya, in defeat: Let's go.

MC: Wait.

Chuuya: What?

MC: I'd kinda like to be carried out...

Dazai: Me too.

Chuuya:

—

Dazai, grinning: Before you were what?

Chuuya: Before I was-

Dazai: What?

Chuuya: Before I was inter-

Dazai: Before you were interrupted?

Chuuya: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll-

Dazai: What?

Chuuya: *makes frustrated sound*

MC, nervously: Stop that. Before he hurts you.

—

Chuuya: So, MC is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night.

Dazai: Why?

Chuuya: Because I've caught her trying to train raccoons to fight five times in a row.

MC, arms crossed and pouting: You'll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your asses in a mission.

—

MC: The ritual. To preform it requires a sacrifice.

Dazai: Sacrifice? I nominate Chuuya.

Chuuya: Wait, what?

Dazai: Because you're little, you'll fit on a barbecue.

Chuuya: I'm 5'3", it's like average height in most of the world!

Dazai: Yeah right—

MC: Its not that kind of of sacrifice guys!

—

Dazai, planning a group disguise for a mission: You can't be Blake Bortles, I'm Blake Bortles.

MC: Fine! Then I'll be Jake-

Chuuya, under his breath: Don't say Jortles.

MC: Jortles! And I work at the molotov cocktail department.

—

MC: What are you two arguing about this time?

Chuuya: He's always using common phrases incorrectly!

Dazai: Cry me a table, Slug.

—

Fukuzawa: Dazai, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.

Dazai: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.

—

Kunikida: You spent all your money on THIS??

MC, putting tiny raincoats on ducklings: They live outside. They need this.

[damnfandomproblems]

758648137243049984

First of all, like someone else said, the same logic and arguments you apply to ships also applies to violence in fiction. The two are kinda interchangeable. Murder, terrorism, torture, those kinds of things are wrong and hurt people in real life so I don't know why most antis are okay with it in fiction even when it happens to kids. If ships influence people then fictional violence will too. If it really worked like that, then the fact you're up in arms over ships but okay with violence is kinda worrying. If one is wrong, then both are wrong. If one doesn't work like that, then neither does the other.

Lastly, what people think romanticizes something is often subjective, and in my own experience, just writing about it makes them think you're condoning it. For example, before I joined Tumblr this year I used a different app where I often posted some of my writing. Including an old one I wrote in high school and reworked. The narrator suffered from depression and would often self-harm. The short passage I uploaded was her in the middle of attempting suicide. She self-harmed because she felt she needed to 'atone' for perceived slights. She attempted suicide because she wanted the pain to end and thought that was the only way it would. I based this writing on my own personal and my friends' experiences. I wasn't encouraging anything, I just wanted to work through things in hs and writing helped me. That work was taken down. It was my fault because it went against the rules of the group, but the reason the other person gave wasn't that it wasn't allowed by the rules, they called it "pro-self harm". They thought I wanted people to hurt themselves because my narrator had depression which caused her do do unhealthy things/think unhealthy thoughts, because that's how I feel sometimes.

I'm not saying everyone who writes this stuff is trying to work through trauma/pain in a healthy way. And they don't need to be a victim to write this stuff or write it for that purpose. Maybe they wrote it for fun or it's a fantasy kink, and there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe others will read it for the same reasons. But maybe a victim will read it and maybe it'll help them come to terms with what happened. And maybe you'll read the same thing but think it's glorifying something you hate.

Whether something glorifies a bad thing or not is often subjective. Just because you personally hate it doesn't mean it doesn't have a purpose or shouldn't exist.

And banning this stuff won't do anything. It will still be made, just in secret. It will still be posted, just on a hidden website. And the associated crimes irl won't decrease. Maybe they'll slightly go down, though I'd argue they'd most likely go up. Because if people are reading these things and hurting others cause of it, they already had those thoughts in their minds. If they're going after kids or abusing their partners after reading about it, then the fiction didn't create that desire out of nothing, it was just the final push they needed to do something they already wanted to do. And anything could be that final push, they could have seen someone else do it irl. In that case the fiction was a key that unlocked the door to a desire they kept hidden, not a paintbrush that painted an image of that desire on a blank canvas. Anything could be a key. Don't place more blame on fiction than on the criminal. That allows them to not have to take personal responsibility and you're ignoring the root of the problem, making it harder to protect people. Don't waste time and energy going after depictions of abuse instead of actual real life abusers.

Posting as a response to a previous ask.

[megatrons-husband]

Hello, I just saw this in the tags and wanted to add my own input. I am an abuse survivor and also a megastar shipper. Megastar is one of my tops, and that’s because they are both abuse victims and I see myself through both of them. When I ship them, I generally ship them as healing past the abuse and trauma they’ve both been through and make them happy, and able to heal and grow together, I always felt that if I was able to see those two heal and be happy, and being victims of abuse (megatron abused thru slavery, starscream abused thru megatron) then I would be able to heal myself. Being able to portray megatron and starscream break the cycle of abuse makes me happy in a way and even tho we don’t get it canonically, I try and portray it with what I write. 

I do agree a lot of depictions of megastar are extremely abusive, esp tfp depictions. I myself don’t really interact with fandom content that makes them out to be abusive. I do admit that there are a lot of people who glorify the abuse in the ship and that was a reason I just, didn’t interact with the fan version of it. At the end of the day, each to their own but I resonate with this answer. 

I agree with everything you said and I think you offered a very kind and nuanced answer. 

That said, at the end of the day I think that most all transformers ships have the ability to be priorship or abusive and it always irks me or at least, saddens me when people just go after megastar shippers. I mean, despite being an abuse survivor myself and going out of my way to portray the ship in a unique way to me, Ive had people tell me to kill myself. I remember there was a megastar story board artist who worked on Earthspark, and people were telling her to kill herself and to get hit by a bus. Ive realized that in the tf fandom it’s like ‘okay’ to harass megastar shippers even this elf us who don’t ship the ship in an abusive way, but other shippers tend to be exempt from this,.

lIKE I also like MegaOP, but MegaOp also has incredibly abusive foundations too. Especially TFP MegaOP, where Megatron quite literally took advantage of Optimus when he had no memories and just in general, some of the things he’s done to Optimus, short of torturing him and even killing and hurting his friends just o hurt him, are abusive and reminds me of things that happened to me. And people tend to romanticize that, and call them like ‘crazy husbands’ or exes or something like that, and I realize that it’s so common to romanticize the abuse in MegaOP, just like proshippers do, but its’ almost never called out the same way megastar is. Hell, some of the people bashing Megastar are the same people who think it’s romantic when Optimus is gettin beat and nearly killed by Megatron, or when Megatron kills and hurts those close to Optimus.

I don’t mean to rant to you, I just noticed how ship hate and suicide baiting is so acceptable to do to megastar shippers. It’s so common, even if we *don’t* ship the ship in an abusive way. And there aren’t that many megastar shippers compared to others. It’s a very isolating experience because I realize this fandom is ‘friendly’ until people have double standards over a ship you like. Like i said, I'm an actual abuse survivor, and in a place where I still have to live with my abuser, so writing megatron and starscream working thru their own traumas and loving one another is kinda healing to me. BUT being told to kill myself over it, sometimes by popular bloggers in the TF fandom, and then seeing them glorify abuse in other ships is not fun.

SORRY i just wanted to send this to you because i agree with your ask. originally i was gonna respond to your post but i was anxious

Ok first i would like to say your absolutely AMAZING. You are a poet becuse this is the most accurate opinion of transformers ships ive seen in awhile, twitter users a shakering is there boots right know!! And your view of megastar is perfect and the way you described your writings of them sounds amasing and a great and healthy way to potray them, also i very glad that it helps you. : ] And just puting this out there as a abuse survivor to i get you. Id like to touch on megop to since you mentioned it! Iam not going hate anyone fore it because once again to each there own, but i hate the double stander for megstar shipers, when megop is just as bad! People really need to understand that both have the opportunity to be awful horribly portrayed ships, or beautiful heartfelt relationship with great story telling! And one last thing that i would like to add is when you said that ever transformers ship has the opportunity to be proship, and yes i agree strongly with this. the transformers fandom has a very bad problem of fetishizing relationship and just around makeing really bad and gross ships. But something id like to say is some ships will never be heathy, and cant be. There are some ships that are just gross and overall cant be labled as anything other than proship. For instance, somthing that makes me absolutely sick is people who ship overlord and Fortress Maximus, specifically there idw/mtmte portrayals. A little background if some have never read the comics, Fortress Maximus was a warden at this prison basically and overlord came a over ran the place, killing tons of bot and taking many captive. Maximus was one of said bots and overlord wanted some information that only Maximus had and for 3 and a half years torture, abused, and lobotomized him. The amont of trama that Maximus gained from that, form overlord, alone should show how awful of a ship it is to began with. There is no way that it could be written to be heathy for either bot because its shown alot just how much Maximus HATES Overlords guts. But iam a stop there, or iam a write a hole essay. Thank you for shareing your opinion on the matter! It was really well written!! Hope you have a good day or night! :]

[neoarchipelago]

im confused isnt dubcon like really different from rape? i thought non con was the like version where its really rough but consensual and used as the coping mechanism and rape is well… yk

Hey love!

Well dub-con is actually the fact that there's actually a blurred line in consent. Protagonists may be engaging in s*x but without actually outwards consent or with something in their mind that might be seen as them actually not wanting but wanting it?

Non-con is entirely non consensual, it's written as one of the protagonists not wanting anything at all.

Now these tags are super important!!! Please remind yourself to be careful with those as to not trigger anyone!

Now whether it is for coping or not, people are entitled to write whatever they want. Tags and warnings are a must for dark writings like these, or if you want to tackle the subject in your work!

As I said before, no one is forcing anyone to read. No one is up here romanticizing anything. Unfortunately, it really is a kink and people need to accept it. (It's very weird for some, horrible for others and very triggering. Trust me the very wide range of kinks is weird. I'm a bit icky for pup play for example but you writers go for it my babes, let your creativity flow, keep writing ❤️ )

Now what I've been trying to say from the beginning is, inciting someone to off themselves because of what they write is just as horrible. Many people are behind these screens with depression or s*ic*dal thought!!

Would you actually want to wake up and know the person you sent a message on the internet offed themselves? Because of a work of fiction? Their families and friends are grieving ?

You are completely right to voice your anger or you discomfort, and I usually am entirely 'go for it' but when your point is 'k*ll yourself' it's not a point. It's pure hatred, the point is erased by hate and hurts and could be fatal!

Please be kind to each other... Put your tags your warnings, voice your annoyance without telling people to off themselves.

We had a suicide in this fandom already... And it was already too much.