#I've been struggling recently and today we did a bit on mental health with my course at work

[cuteasducks9]

Feeling weird and mushy today.

I think I have realised that there may not be many people out there that truly care for me. But today it hit me that that is ok and I should appreciate those I have.

🧡

[yonpote]

I'm relatively new to the phandom and have recently starting reading fanfics and it's so incredibly fascinating. Like, in my opinion more than anything else it's a reflection of the phandom itself at any given moment of time.

What were the popular tropes? How did people write them as individuals and their dynamic? What did people know? What didn't they know? What did the writers rightly or wrongly assume? How "ooc" do dnp feel from today's perspective? Which people are picked as "villains" or friends? (funfact about that: the first time I came across a "charlie" mention was very recently after that gamingmas collab with pj and charlie so i assumed they were referring to charlieissocoollike and was so offended on her behalf. took me a while until it clicked)

I've noticed that to be able really understand the fics and not get utterly confused, it's almost always vital to check the date the fics were uploaded and kind of put it into historical context, literary analysis style.

yeah i think fanfic in general will always end up reflecting more on the mindset of the person writing than of the people/characters it's based on. i think whats interesting is that in recent years, now that we have a bit more context with what's going on and perhaps fics being written by grown adults with new life experiences lol, the way people have written dnp has very much changed! i know im the bottomphil rant guy but actually in fic you see a lot more variety wrt positions as well as D/s roles in smut. (shout out to dombottom flatmates!phil) or for a less horny example, you'll see people write dnp in both modern au's and "canon compliant" fics as like, struggling students or living in shit apartments with shit jobs, with mental health problems that ARENT fixed with the power of true love lmao as well as just generally exploring neurodivergence and their dynamic beyond friendship and beyond romance.

honestly whenever i talk abt the tropey stereotypes of days past its not like its something that JUST happened with phan, the Aggressive Masc and the Soft UWU Femme goes as far back as people have been writing about romance. so i think all the relatively recent changes is like, fic writers growing up and having new experiences as well as generally improving at writing, general fandom culture changing as well as Phandom culture specifically changing, dnp changing quite a bit and opening up to their audience, prob other stuff im forgetting but YEAH its all really interesting stuff!

[ahiddenpath]

Life Update

Life chat beneath the cut. I feel like this one is a bit on the whiney complainy side, but it is where I am now, so I'm keeping it for posterity, lol! But don't read if you're not down for some whine and cheese xD

So I took the last week off from work. I was frustrated, because I didn't go anywhere- it was a staycation. We opted for that mostly because I was going to lose my gd mind if I didn't get some time off. I get 3 weeks off per year, plus a week closure around Christmas "made of" federal holidays that we do not get, so I try to optimize my time off. But... I didn't have the brain space to do anything, and also, as I tried to plan things... Holy damn, everything is so much more expensive than it was even like three years ago.

But now I'm further frustrated because I spent the vast majority of the week just doing damned chores and household projects. Like, I told myself I would stop doing any chores yesterday, but I still spent until 2 PM exercising and doing "a few quick things." The same thing happened today. I'm kind of in, like, a horrible sort of awe of how long shit takes, man. For example, it took my husband and I about 2 hr to take down a broken ceiling fan that was 30 years old and not very user friendly and replace it with a new one. It took me an hour with a hair drier and a scraper to remove like 2.5 cm of hot glue from a doll's head (holding her removable eyes in place) so I could send her out to be painted. And I spent 40-90 min outside for like 8-12 days weeding and doing some basic yard work to prep for a mulch delivery.

I'm trying to be more fit recently. I am, ah. A very unfit human. I think I somehow have not mentioned this in the 12 years of this blog, but... I've had a million surgeries on my hip and spent roughly age 6 months to 2 yrs in a body cast, then until roughly age 4 in physical therapy to learn to move around. I'm clumsy and can just, like, fall over unprompted, I assume because of all that. I don't have the full range of movement in my lower body, so doing physical things can be... Really daunting. I always put exercise and mobility training off.

And of course, it's starting to bite my ass, lmao. I recently learned that humans begin losing muscle mass in their 30s, meaning that weight training is essential. I also learned that using a machine to exercise (like an elliptical) is only good for cardiovascular health. The machine takes on a lot of the... strain?? Work?? Of moving, meaning you aren't working your body in the same way as when you just... Walk. It's meant to help you work out longer, so you can develop your cardiovascular system. (Incidentally, this is why walking and hiking are great exercise).

That's why I took on a lot of the gardening/yard work. I did clear out all of the weeds! And the way my soreness decreased over the days means that I did something good for my body.

But, like. The amount of time caring for your body takes is absolutely gobsmackingly unreal. Holy shit god damn! I've always struggled to keep the balls of work, mental health, creativity, physical health, and social health in the air, not touching on chores and stuff. The physical ball is the one I always put down first.

But I only get this one body, and the American healthcare system is a nightmare. So... Yeah, the priorities need to shift here. My foot has been hurting for a few weeks, now, and it happened last year after Japan, too. It's time to actually go to the doctor for that.

I am sensing more and more that I need to give less to work, too. That's difficult for someone like me to do, because I always feel a deep need to do my best with everything. But... Working this hard just isn't sustainable, and it isn't as if I'm rewarded over someone in the same position who does less.

I haven't had much of an opportunity to rest or do anything creative this week, despite being off. And I'm just as distressed by the fact that um... Just being gone at work from 8:20 AM-5:50 PM every day makes it impossible to do the tasks that built up over the last 3-4 years of being in this home. You know, sometimes people tell me, "But what would you do if you didn't have a job? I'd go crazy!" And I'm like- DUDE. DUDE! I could exercise, walk, work on house projects, and do chores all day every day for like three years and still have stuff to do! That doesn't even touch the personal projects and hobbies I want to work on.

Hopefully, I can figure out some kind of balance that works for me and is healthy. I wish you all the best, my dears <3

[spacevulpix]

this got so much longer than i originally intended so i'm putting a cut here

the way that being emotionally abused will make you doubt that people are being genuine towards you when they're nice is insane. i helped out my family at my grandma's house today getting it cleaned up to go up for sale and two of my aunts went out of their way to thank me for coming and one even pointed out that i was the only grandkid (and considering grandma had 7 kids there are a lot of us) who came to help. i have this unconscious voice in the back of my mind that still sometimes forces me to view the world and my place in it through my abuser's lens - that i am a burden to others and if they're being nice to me it's only because they pity me for being such a horrible embarrassment of a person who creates problems for them all just by existing.

but the thing is they were right - i was the only grandkid who came to help. one of my aunts lives 15 minutes from grandma's house and her son who's my age chose to stay home while his parents came to help. several of my other cousins live a short train ride away in the city. i've been the only grandkid involved in the whole process, i was there when we picked the options for the service, i was there when we hashed out the next moves for settling the estate, i took the initiative to come to the house on my own one day to look through and pick out what mementos i wanted to keep, i helped the day we moved all the excess furniture onto the curb. i was the only one.

when my eldest aunt rested her hand on my shoulders to let me know she was coming through the doorway behind me and let it rest there until she'd asked and gotten an answer to her question, it was like i could feel the love flowing from her hand into me. i'm very selective about who's allowed to touch me and her touch made me feel all melty the same way it feels when someone runs their fingers through my hair. another aunt asked about my new job, and the status of my student loan payments. the last opened up a bit about how my cousin could be struggling with his mental health, or perhaps he's just okay with not showering all that often.

i've spent so much time recently on drama subreddits an r/amitheasshole and keep exposing myself to a harmful confirmation bias that intimate relationships, familial or otherwise, are significantly fraught with one-sided harmful or entitled behavior and reaffirming the fear in my mind that i won't be able to accomplish the happy family i want for myself in the future because there will always be some major flaw so great in magnitude that the only way to overcome it is to cut that part of your life out completely. that i will inevitably end up with a selfish partner who doesn't truly understand me and puts more importance on my bending for their comfort than their's for mine. that if i do have kids, the mental health genes running on my mother's side will result in a child who treats me (or their sibling if i ever get over the fear of having more than one as though my being born was what caused my sibling to abuse me) the same way my sibling did.

i got past this all once before, when i first left home and went to college. it's poetic in a certain sense that this time i'm doing the work to get past it again at home. i sort of operated on the assumption that if i was ever open about the fact that i'm no contact with my sibling, my extended family would pick them over me and i'd have to be cut out of the entire family. that everything my abuser said about me is true, i'm overemotional, too dramatic, think everything revolves around me, and to cope with that i minimized myself over and over to try and fly below the radar, but it was never enough. even when i didn't interact with them at all they accused me of thinking i was better than them.

and then here were my aunts, with nothing to gain from showering me with compliments, no pressure on them to maintain someone else's worldview, praising me anyway. just for packing up the kitchen and keeping my uncle busy (he's been kind of a pain, understandable since he lived with grandma for 10 years before she passed and now he suddenly has to move out) so they could all focus on cleaning whatever areas of the house had already been emptied.

basically what i'm trying to take away from this, seeing as i've had a lot of negativity dumped on me in the past year due to the cesspool of a job i left plus my own brain fighting against being happy, is that it should be as easy to take the positive comments, even easier than taking the negative. that people aren't only genuine when they're being mean to me.

[iantimony]

shabbosposting take 2

one day late, bonus edition: 2022 recap + 2023 goals

listening: I made a playlist of hebrew/yiddish metal and prog so that's been a highlight recently, I really like orphaned land so far

edit: i also have free bird stuck in my head bc we did fake karaoke in my friend's basement on new years eve and my bf put it on and now It Will Not Leave

reading: nothing to be honest ... oops ...

watching: finished Bocchi the rock, extremely charming, sparked joy. I've been rewatching hbomberguy video essays because they are reliable and good to have on in the background

playing: a little more hadesgame, Thinking about disco elysium and w101 but I haven't actually done it

making: I did do some embroidery! unfortunately I was. Very optimistic about how much I would get done over break. I brought it home with me with the intention that I could mail it from here but I am going to definitely have to bring it back with me lol

BONUS: what delights have I experienced?

walking around: kinda minor still, mostly just walking the dog

fellowship: part of why I am Very tired is because I have completely filled my schedule with seeing friends :") so I have really had no time to myself at all which is kinda overwhelming. but it's been really good to see everybody! I just wish I had a little more time to fit everything in and not feel so crammed

deliciousness: did a christmas day brunch at ceruleanvulpine's, super delicious spread with eggs, french toast, bagels, sausage, little cookies...dinner at the bf's place after, lamb and kebab and pesto pasta and just kind of a fun mishmash of different style foods...indian food at a friend's place new years eve...and then new years day brunch yesterday with cold cuts and I made my favorite orzo salad. I made myself a BANGIN sandwich today with the leftovers it was great

goofing, transcendence, amelioration, enthrallment, wildcard n/a

---

general reflection

2022 was kind of a weird and bad year! I spent most of the first half of 2022 dealing with the fallout of Dead Parent Zone, got a bad enough grade in a class that for the first time ever I had to retake it, and grappling with being so far from home for school while also dealing with all that shit. then I took on way too many obligations for the fall semester and shot my mental health in the foot a bit as a result.

there were some good things too, though - I was nervous about how a long-distance relationship would go but it's honestly going so, so well and he's been a real source of joy for me this past year. I did pass my classes even though it was a struggle so I don't have to retake anything again, and I already planned to do less next semester. despite it all I did finish a little art, and I got back into life drawing, and had a lot of good moments with friends. in general I think graduate school has been a good choice for me so far, and as much as I bitch and moan about indiana it's like, Fine,

but actually the people are really good, I have a great support network, and ultimately I think it'll continue to be good. it's really made me appreciate the east coast LOL

2023

as ceruleanvulpine said in their resolutionpost, I wanna make more weird art! in general I want to create more and fill the enthrallment, amelioration, and transcendence delight categories more often. I want to finish this embroidery project (ideally soon), the knitted tank top I did that just needs the straps, scarf for my SO...I'd love to start writing again and play more horn but we'll see

I also wanna listen to more weird music, and invest in actually owning some files, especially for some of the lesser-known bands and through bandcamp and stuff

this past year I definitely fell back into some of my more unhealthy coping mechanisms just to deal with the day-to-day (specifically extreme dissociation), I really want to kind of dial those back again, focus more on existing in Reality and more in each moment, which hopefully will also help with some of the skin picking and other anxious habits that resurfaced. maybe more yoga, maybe re-establishing a meditation process, idk yet but I'll work towards it

I would love to think more about my fashion and how I present myself too, and work on making and tailoring more of my clothing in general

I've been pretty good about being active so I'd like to keep that up, I still can't do a pull-up but maybe this is the year! (lol) I should also start doing some minor exercises for my shitty arthritis toes to keep those okay

a lot of last year was kind of a wash regarding research so I'm really looking forward to refocusing on that and really getting things moving.

finally! I want to get back to tabletop! I miss doing it so much! it fell by the wayside for me because of how busy and overwhelmed I was, especially this past fall semester, but I want to start running and playing games with my pals again.

maybe Too Many things listed here, a little ambitious, but maybe that way I'll be able to hit at least one or two of them :b here's to 2023 and making it better than 2022!

[mourningrefrain]

Finished rewatching Eighty-Six!

I've haven't used Tumblr in what feels like ten years but today I made a Tumblr and finished rewatching Eighty-Six during an important time in my life.

And the show still hits. Especially the second cour. Don't get me wrong, the first cour isn't bad by a long mile, in fact, it's some of my favorite piece of war media since Mobile Suit Gundam Iron-Blooded Orphans.

In the second cour, we get to look inside Shinei Nouzen's head a lot more and see his internal struggle after losing Shourei. Something about that overall struggle is very poignant to someone like me going through the grief of losing a lot of loved ones in the last year and a half.

I love the early juxtaposition of us going from seeing Spearhead fighting for their lives day in and day out to getting to live a normal life for a bit, much like a lot of us do in our present. There's something about it. This brief moment of calm, even if you know it's temporary, resonates because it shows what life for them can be like when all of this is over.

Another thing I really loved about the second cour is just how people like Raiden begin to notice there's been a genuine change in Shin. It feels realistic. It's not like Raiden noticed it overnight. He suspects something like Shin losing his reason to live now that Shourei is gone might happen back in Episode 10 but he only realizes his worst fears have come to light later on in the second cour. It feels real!

Overall, I felt Shin goes through a rather interesting struggle, especially in Episode 22 fittingly titled just "Shin" I feel those of you out there who also struggle with depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues probably got hit hard by this episode like me. To me, I felt this was the best episode of the series. It felt genuine to me. It felt real to me. A lot of shows have a problem where they have some mental health issues in their undertones but never really follow up with it or don't treat it with the level of respect I felt Eighty-Six did.

The fact we get pretty much an entire episode dedicated to looking into Shin's head and seeing how he feels about his past and how he feels there's no future is great, as bad as that can sound. It's when I realized Eighty-Six really is something special.

The pay-off in Episode 23 for all of this is great though. Even if it's just a simple dream, Shin found a way to continue forward even if it's just for the others for now, and left some of his baggage behind. He's still got problems but he's not gonna keep letting that hold him down and he'll confront them over time. It's cool!

This was a bit of a ramble to basically just boil it down to "Wow, Eighty-Six is awesome!" but on my first watch I felt the show was great and on my second, paying closer attention to details I might've missed earlier, I felt I walked away from it realizing "Wow, Eighty-Six is something special!" Cool show and a great light novel as well, since I started reading it recently. If you haven't had a chance to watch it/read it, please do!

Fun little tidbit but I actually cosplayed Shin at Anime Central 2022 this year. It was a bit of an impromptu thing and I cosplayed the Giad Federacy pilot uniform version of Shin but it was fun. Only three people recognized me though so perhaps I didn't do as good of a job as I was hoping I did, haha.

[blaiddydbrokeit]

A journal entry, once again.

I actually overslept a little today, but I don't mind it much, since I slept late last night - I got home from dance practice at nearly midnight, took a shower and had a bit of supper before I called it a night. I had some cereal in milk for breakfast again. Over my breakfast I did some light translation work.

Today was an auspicious day, so at about midday, I took some of my Lunar New Year money to the bank at the mall to make a deposit. The mall was oddly crowded today, much more than usual, and I had to queue nearly an hour to make my deposit. After I did, though, I decided to walk around the mall for some light exercise. I made about 6,000 steps, but I got really hungry. I was somewhat adamant to meet my 10,000 steps, but I decided to be wise and not sabotage the consistency of my efforts thus far. Lunch was waiting at home, a hot bowl of noodles, so I returned home to eat before having a rest.

As usual, I was a little short on sleep (thank you, sleep-maintenance insomnia) so I decided to take a nap, and upon waking, it was the evening. I took a shower, and was just out when my family returned. They took the laundry to the laundromat for drying, since the weather has been cold and wet, and our laundry has been struggling to dry.

I helped to sort and fold the clothes, and then we had dinner - fried egg, herbal chicken soup and rice. My aunt visited after, to bring some groceries for next week, as she tends to do at times, and I walked with her to her place to pick up more of the groceries she wasn't able to carry alone. I went to the supermarket after to buy some yoghurt, protein-fortified milk (it was surprisingly delicious, I wanted more, I'm not at all apologetic) and jello, but I found myself staring at the spongy cheesecake. Eventually I gave in and bought it. When I got home (clearing my 10,000 step goal), I took a shower to freshen up, then I had a glass of milk just to finish off yesterday's carton, and two slices of the cheesecake. I'm laying in bed as I write, still a little hungrier than what I can comfortably sleep at. I may have a light snack before I call it a night proper.

I'm a little better with food now, and no longer restricting foods for completely asinine reasons. I find that my appetite is actually improving, returning to me and I'm much more keen to eat, especially now that I have a sense of taste again. Recent self care efforts and some affirmation from my friends and partners have really helped me reframe my body image and I'm definitely starting to see small improvements. I hope that with time and sustained efforts I'll no longer bruise my shoulders from simply laying in bed, and find myself much stronger and with more vitality.

My mental health has also improved, in part due to the light exercise and in part due to not perpetually contending with hunger cramps and the such, and I've noticed that I've been smiling much more. I've still a fair distance to go, but the little things everyday already seem so much more vibrant and I want to keep going. It's hard to want to go back to seeing everything in muted grays, to see my skin so pale and bones starting to surface. I know that relapse is always waiting for a slip to drag me back. But I think I prefer the me that's waiting up ahead.

[morbidshay]

4/26/24

per usual, I have vanished, but I always come back.

Today will be a bit of a catch up on the bits and bobs of my life.

Feel more comfortable at home, my mom lowkey is a hoarder and struggles with her mental health so our house is usually a mess. Recently I've been working on it piece by piece and I think it is slowly coming together. I do fear it will end up back the way it was but what can you do. Adulting is cleaning over and over again until death. Might as well get used to it.

My medications (lithium, mirtazapine) seem to be working better than other medications I've been on. It only took 8 years but guys it's worth it. SO keep advocating for yourself.

I try to get outside and walk at least once around the block, sometimes you'll even find me running but only for a short distance. I have been extremely hyper aware of my body and when I move it, it feels wrong.

Started "working" again. Got back on Rover and booked some house stays. My sister mentioned a career opportunity with her, dispatching. I think I will end upgoing for it come time.

I'm reading, pulling tarot, meditating, all that jazz almost everyday. Not a flex well maybe a little but we all deserve to sometimes. I do feel like I need to get more involved with music again but I ran out of funds for youtube music.

It has been pretty quiet in my head lately. Voices aren't voicing anymore. Still feel like a fraud in the DID department. Still have memory lapses, dissociation, and my reactions differ day to day.

I am officially in therapy. She mentioned that many characteristics I own correlate with Autism. Bam. I knew it. So here is my official unofficial diagnosis.

POTS symptoms do go crazy.

My weed intake has gotten a little smaller. Yesterday was the first day I went almost all day without it. Not saying I want to stop my usage but I want to use it as medicine when I need it. I will say I picked up a habit from college and that is cigarettes. I know I know.... but, there actually is no but, I should really put down the pack.

My relationship is going okay, I think I fall short a bit with support and empathy, working on it. We have a plan to meet in July. Flipturn went on tour and I think we might go see them.

Anyway, this was long and unnecessary but if you read it all thank you and like and subscribe. Here's music of the day. I'm deeply unsure If i used this one already but it is a good one so TAKE IT. I love you guys. Let me know what's the haps with you.

[fenimores-book-nook]

Day 1 of my sort of self-care journey

Nov. 14-2023, Tuesday.

Here is a photo I saved to my pinterest that reminds me of me:

This reminds me of myself because, well, the quote describes me very well. To prove this: I went to my brother's college choir concert recently where they sang many different kinds of songs and I cried or at least teared up to just about all of them. Even further proof: every time I watch The Greatest Showman, I cry. Because I love the music in it and the story line and the relationship that the characters build with one another. It's beautiful.

So, now that you have the vibe that kind of sets the tone for this, "series," if you want to call it that, we can get started. ;)

Now, the title of this may be a little misleading. I honestly didn't know what else to put as the title. This isn't going to be me doing these types of writings for a month or so and at the end of the month I'm going to be so much better than what I was. No. I believe that self care, self love, just SELF STUFF, takes a long time to figure out.

But then again, maybe the title is more accurate to this series than I think it is. I'm not really going to set a "time" of when I'm going to necessarily stop these. Maybe I could have a sort of, monthly "look how far I've come" posts. Really, I'm doing this because I think it might help me. My mental health. My lack of self love. The good stuff.

Because, truth is, I haven't been doing the best. But that's okay. Because that's life. And as long as I don't stay in this struggle and I try to better myself, that's all that matters. Not saying that the struggles I or anyone go through are worthless. No. NO, NO. They are definitely NOT worthless. The struggles we go through are what shape who you are today. And I think a lot of it depends on how you handled those struggles, too. So, here's me trying to handle my struggles *better.*

Another pinterest photo that kind of gives the vibe I'm going for. :)

Oh and yes, yes there will be many photos from pinterest that I simply just *like* or photos that I took from my days. Hope you like them. :)

Heck, I don't really know what I'm doing with this. But I know that writing down some version of my thoughts and getting them out there, somewhere, helps in some way. And besides, I am absolutely, positively, head over heels in love with writing. ;) But really, it's probably just going to be me giving little updates of what I did throughout my days, maybe I'll use it as motivation to do more self-care things. Like mindful journaling. Which I have not done in a long while. I first started mindful journaling sometime during the time I was still in high school. I want to say during my Junior year (11th grade), since that was my hardest year in high school. I remember it helping my thoughts get unscrambled a little bit.

I would find things like these on pinterest and answer them. :)

And, heck, why not, to start this whole series out, I'll answer them.

3 things I'm grateful for today - 1. My lil' burst of motivation to START this, to want to have a better mindset. 2. Romcom movies like Set it Up to help my mood. 3. And of course, comfort books like Smile by Raina Telgemeier to provide, well, comfort.

Incredible thing to remember - This feeling. This want that I have to better myself. I want to take care of my mental health, I want to be happy, and I'm going to take this step in doing so. <3

Something I learned - It is much easier to let yourself be angry at yourself and at the people around you rather than admit that you might be growing in different ways or in a different direction than them.

Feelings towards my goals - Well, since I took the initiative to start this cute lil' series, pretty good, I think. I think that doing these writings, even if it only reaches one person or just myself, will help.

Wake up and show up tomorrow - I want tomorrow to be a better day than what today was. I don't want to dwell on things that don't need to consume my thoughts or feelings. I want to "show up" with a kind of *fresh optimism.*

So, there we are. I think that that's a good start to this. :)

I may not do a daily writing like this, but I think I will aim for at least three times a week. And if I write everyday one week and the next only three, so be it. Progress is progress.

One last goodbye-pinterest photo that makes me think of optimism and freedom. :)

Until next time,

Thalia <3

P.S. Another reason why I felt like starting something like this is because of the other wonderful people on here, posting similar things, and inspiring me. :)

[dadbodblog]

Getting Over My Biggest Fear

Before I get into what I'm actually afraid of, I'll share a little bit of my story and how I got here.

When I was a teen, I was obese. I was bullied a lot in school and, to deal with my emotions, I ate more...that viscous circle. Without getting into too much detail, I dealt with depression everyday. Although I didn't exactly know what that was because, back in 2004, depression was never really discussed openly and so I didn't know what I was feeling, but I wasn't feeling good.

When I graduated high school, my best friend Johnny and I got gym memberships. I had a lot of people doubting that I would continue to go to the gym. Some people thought I would go for a week and quit. They would keep charging my gym membership and I was be at home playing video games and eating my feelings once again.

But I stayed on track, eating healthy, going to the gym with Johnny almost everyday and ended up losing 100lbs in the process.

Since 2010, my weight has fluctuated but I always managed to get back on track to keep it off.

Since COVID turned the world upside down in 2020, I've struggled a lot with managing my weight. I know many people did too, but when I was a teen, my weight was the source of my depression and I didn't want to go back there.

Since 2020, I tried every diet under the sun from keto, plant based, paleo, intermittent fasting, WW and so many others just to get my weight back down to where I felt good.

All this yo-yo dieting has really messed with my mind and my body and now, no matter what I do, I can't seem to lose weight.

I started watching Layne Norton and James Smith on YouTube and social media. They seem to talk about everything I've been doing wrong. From being in a calorie deficit for too long, eliminating carbs, trying new diets, and not being consistent to see results. I was over training, undereating and it wasn't benefiting my mental and physical health.

I would eat under 2200 calories everyday and would binge eat or have a "cheat day" on the weekends. (for reference I'm 6ft 6in tall and weighted 240lbs. 2200 calories was over a 20% calorie deficit).

Years ago, I had heard of "reverse dieting" but never put a lot of thought into. When I learned that it's the process of slowly adding calories back into your diet over a few weeks or months to allow you to eat more food after a diet while also increasing your metabolism and preventing fat (re)gain...this scared the s**t out of me.

The idea of eating more food worried me. The idea that I could possibly gain weight is what I'm AFRAID OF. How could I do a reverse diet the right way when I'm afraid of the scale and what it would tell me.

My mind immediately goes into this spiral of thoughts:

"I can't gain weight now, I'm about to be a dad for the first time. I have to be lean and fit so I can play with her and keep up with her. What if I gain weight and none of my clothes fit, what then? I can't afford to buy new clothes now that we have a baby on the way"

These are actual thoughts that came into my head.

Then, my wife recently said something that has resonated with me.

She told me the old quote from Albert Einstein, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I was driving myself insane doing the same thing over and over again expecting to lose weight. I would drop my calories lower and lower and it wouldn't work, I would then get down on myself and binge each to deal with my feelings, and then drop the calories again. Round and Round I go again

Well here I am today, my first week of reverse dieting, I gained a pound and...I'm not afraid. I needed to make this change, to give my body a break and allow myself to eat food AND ENJOY IT. Now, I'm not eating ice cream and cookies. I still eat plenty of protein, good sources of carbs and fats and I still count my macros. I feel good about my journey and I'm excited to see what my results could be.

I could update you in a few weeks and tell you that I gained another pound, but I have to trust the process. I have to get rid of the fear of gaining weight.

[mountainmaven]

More random ramblings

Last week was rough. After we got the gas situation taken care of I just really struggled with getting motivated. I was super tired all week and rather depressed. I suppose it could have been from the booster vaccine? It could be hormones - mine are all whacked up right now. My period was late 8 days in Dec. and as of today it's now 10 days late for January. I'm sure I'm in the midst of perimenopause. Which is fine by me. I have a gynecologist appointment on Valentine's Day so we'll see what she says. It also could have been my emotional health, and of course if could have been any combination of the three. Oh mental health is so concrete and conclusive - it's amazing we struggle with it so much LOL. (oh despite being completely unmotivated and fatigued all week, I DID manage to clean out the fireplace so YAY ME!)

Then yesterday I had a horrible pinched nerve in my left shoulder/arm. It's better today but still is an issue. I've been resting it, and doing light stretches throughout the day. But that means I haven't worked out in over a week now. Because I didn't have the energy for it last week, and now I can't.

Also yesterday we found out our son is sick. We are 90% sure it's COVID as the kids' roommate just recently had COVID and his symptoms are exactly like hers were. He will test soon (they had to order more tests and they should have arrived today). I've been waiting to get a reply from him to my check in text a little bit ago, I'll reach out again soon. It absolutely kills me when my kids are going through something that I can do absolutely nothing about. I want to go help him but first that would be dumb due to the pandemic, and secondly what can I do except bring him food and some meds to help ease symptoms?? So I'm not super worried about him in terms of him not recovering or needing extreme care or anything, but I am feeling so helpless and I feel so bad for him that he's not well. Poor kid turns 21 next week (which I also have to remember - he's clearly not a child anymore lol). (and he just texted me back, he's in good spirits for the most part, but not feeling well).

BUT - I had a really good therapy session today. I have things I need to work on this week to report back on next week. But one of the things my therapist said really resonated with me. It's when I'm experiencing a moment of what I think is worry and I need to stop and ask myself "Am I really worried, or am I feeling out of control of the situation?" I'm pretty sure that the answer to that will be the latter the majority of the time. Why did it take me 54 years to hear that, realize it, etc??? I'm excited about the work I have to do this week.

So what started out rough, and quite a downer, I'm grateful to have the positive spin that came with my therapy session.

[bisluthq]

Hey Nat, it's the roommate anon. I've been trying to stay off of all social media platforms (I get distracted easily) so that I can really work on my anxiety about all of this and just on my mental health in general, but I was really missing this blog today, so I just wanted to check in and say hi!

I hope that you're all doing well. Life can be difficult sometimes, and I feel like the way that our society works is not exactly conducive to having good mental health, but I hope that you're all feeling okay at least <3

If anyone's curious about how things are going with N (roomie), I still haven't told her that I'm not straight. I think that I need to get my anxiety under control first. Like I need to be okay, you know? I need to feel like I'm managing well first, and then I'm gonna tell her.

She has been amazing recently though. I appreciate her a lot. Like she's very supportive. She's been making sure that I take care of myself. Like when I get like this, I tend to just like... not eat at all. It just goes right to the back of my mind because I'm so focused on other things. And she realized that I've barely been eating and that I've lost weight, and she got all concerned, and so now she's been making sure that I eat.

And at first, I felt like it was embarrassing. I mean, I'm an adult, right? She's not my mom. I shouldn't need help with something so basic.

But now I've figured, you know what, everybody needs help sometimes. And people need help with different things. I mean, that's what we're all here for, right? To look after ourselves and to have a good time, but also to help other people in whichever ways that we can. I just think that we all need to be there for each other.

I actually did check Tumblr a few days though. One of them was the "Konversations with the Kushners" day lmao. I loved it, it was priceless. Very entertaining. I remember, I was like eating cereal, and N asked me what I was smiling at, and I told her it was just this funny thing online.

She got all curious about it, but I couldn't even tell her or show her because how do you even begin to explain that? 💀 The amount of like... foundation information that I would have had to have given just for her to understand 😭

Honestly, she is the cutest with memes though. She's like an internet grandma. I have to explain them to her sometimes. She loves Grumpy Cat memes, and she also loves that shifty monkey puppet meme, but that's about it. She sends those on our group chat on like a regular basis.

But yeah... Anyway, I really hope you're all doing okay! And if anybody else is struggling with something at the moment, I'm wishing you well, and I really really hope you feel better soon. I think that we can all do it, you know? Like stuff just gets so overwhelming sometimes, and everything can feel so fucking hard, but I think that we can do it and that we can get through it, and so I'm gonna keep trying, and I hope that you guys can keep trying too.

Also, Nat, I saw that people were attacking you on one of the other days that I checked this blog, and it's like... We're all entitled to our own (non harmful) different opinions, but I think that sometimes people let different opinions like... divide them unnecessarily, you know?

I think that sometimes people (including me) forget about the bigger picture which is that, at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what anyone's (non harmful) opinions are because it's about what kind of person someone is overall, you know?

And you seem like a good person. Like you've helped me a lot, and you've helped other people. And I think that fair criticism towards anyone is okay because we're all flawed human beings who can improve, but hate is not okay.

And you really don't deserve a lot of the hate you get. I've forgotten what point I was even trying to get across, but I just wanted to say that I'm grateful that this blog exists and that I think that you're a good person overall and that I hope people go easier on you.

I mean, being called a sexual predator just for thirsting over a celebrity? Some of the antisemitic asks that you've got? People intentionally trying to upset you? People comparing you to spade-riddles? Messed up tbh. That stuff's really not okay.

But yeah, I hope that you're doing well too, and I hope that people take it a bit easier because we are all human, and different fandom opinions (that aren't harmful like the babygating) aren't a reason to hate someone. Every single one of us have flaws, but it's who we are overall that matters.

This whole ask is very true to character because my intention was to just "quickly check in and say hi", and I ended up literally writing 17 paragraphs lol. But sending love to everyone ❤️ And I hope that I can come back soon.

ROOMMATE ANON! Love you so much, and so thrilled to hear you're around and healthy-ish and well-ish. Thanks for this message, and stay strong xx

[izzy-b-hands]

Mum wanted a make up hang out day belated for my bday, i thought that sounded cool. Been off one of my most needed meds since part of my vacation, so chores were a bit behind, and I admit I could have done better trying to catch up and communicate about what she wanted/needed for the night

Which led to dinner being fine, but then a major crying session from her over my not being caught up on chores and 'i dont know how to help you, sometimes I think it's hopeless' which like. cool, thanks for that, way to make me feel like I should cease existing for struggling with chores. The house isn't a total sty, I've even walked my therapist around during telehealth and she said she's seen much much worse, and that ive come so far from where I was pre therapy

Then it turned into her being pissy that she didn't like a recently released movie we rented that we'd both wanted to see and 'i dont feel entertained' which like fuck man. I didn't know if we'd like it or not, all we could do was try it!

then she did the 'oh im such a shit mum' routine so i painted my nails while soothing her and reassuring her i am going to try even harder to do better at cleaning (i am, I'm looking up extra techniques for dealing with it on extra bad mental health days so i don't fall behind as much hopefully, because i don't like that my brain makes this fuckin hard for me, it embarrasses me and makes me feel like a shit human constantly)

she just left and spent the morning making more comments abt the cleaning but backing it with 'not to make you feel bad' on all of it and im just. im tired. maybe i really do need to move away to tackle my issues and get out from the unhealthy codependency her and i have (my therapist is constantly helping me work on my side of it, but mum refuses to believe her abt it and won't attend anymore sessions with me to help us work on it)

I slept maybe three hours, had to be stoned the whole time to keep from crying, and desperately want to fall off the wagon with booze rn. i have lemonade and limoncello that would go so well together. maybe i could do a big clean if i get cross faded today and just do nothing else

what i really wanna do is nap, cry, watch something, and then tackle the cleaning tonight when I'll now inevitably be wide fucking awake, but idk. probably shouldn't. does it even matter if im still disappointing her and the family overall no matter what? like the tree falling in a forest thing, isnt it?

[kyunsies]

hello mädch!

i got a recall for one of the job things i mentioned! i work freelance so that's why i always end up having to go for the next job and the next even though i recently booked one. thank you very much for your comfort - it was the one i mentioned the other day that i felt i did badly which i got recalled for. but it will be the first time i end up going to the capital since we went into lockdown over a year ago! so it's a bit strange to say the least. i need to take care of my appearance again tho, i've been looking really icky and idk everything seems moving really fast and i just have been weirded out by everyone going out again and i don't feel ready?

i ended up talking to my therapist about the stuff with my friends i mentioned to you. she said a lot of poc have said the same things to her recently, about finding it hard to trust and talk to friends with everything that's happened this year. that made me sad, to be honest, knowing it's been happening to other people?

i know you've off tumblr today, i hope it's been really helpful for you. thinking of you lots and lots and lots, hopefully you have people over there to help you get through things so you don't have to talk all the responsibility alone <3 and good luck for your exam next wednesday if I don't get to talk to you before it, i'm sure you'll totally ace it!

- 💥xxxxxxxx

anonnie !!!!!! i saw this pop up in the inbox yesterday but i wanted to take the time and answer it properly 🥺 so bubbie explain to me what a recall is?? i know very little about freelance but it sounds good and i want to know more 💖💖 i’m proud of you !!! but you get to go in the city that’s very exciting :) and NNDJDJD i feel that on an emotional al level, i haven’t put on makeup probably since christmas ...... pls stay safe and take care of yourself !!!

about the whole friend situation, gosh i’n really sorry it’s been hard ... you know we live in such a divide time you know? now that i’m older and i understand things better than when i was a little one, you realize how much hatred there is and i just feel a lot of people are struggling very much these days especially, it really makes my heart heavy :( bub i hope you are able to find some comfort soon bc your friends really need to look after you and i hope that you won’t feel this way for any while longer okay? 🥺 i will always be here for u 💗💕💞💞

but that really means a lot angel thank you so much!! i just needed time to think and be away, i’ve been neglecting my mental health a lot this whole entire year excluding the whole pandemic truly i have been tested so much emotionally and the end of this week really just broke me down but i’m feeling much better 💖 and hopefully the exams go okay too JDJDJD i’m so close to being done for the year .... we can do it (i think) 😭🥺

[mental-health-advice]

Bea (1/2): Sorry to bother, but for the past few months I've just been feeling more and more depressed, I've been hating myself, stuff I like isn't fun anymore, and I've recently started losing all my emotional attachments. I constantly feel useless and stupid, and I don't know how to fix that because my GPA is 4.3, I'm in all AP and honors, and I have a lot of friends, but I recently cut most contact because I don't want to bother them. I thought at first maybe it was just anxiety and stress fr

Bea (2/2): from exams, but I’m two weeks into summer an I just feel worse. Also, my family is literally perfect and super kind and everything and I feel awful trying to hide how I feel all the time because I don’t want to bug or worry them and idk I just don’t have any reason to feel this way. It’s not valid, and there’s no real reason and idk and i don’t know what’s going on with me and I’m kinda scared but I love your blog and ik you have a lot of people to help so don’t make this a priority.

Hi Bea!

You are not bothering us at all, we’re here to help!

It sounds like you’re going through a really hard time atthe minute, but hopefully I can give you a little bit of advice to make it allslightly easier for you. I just want to start by saying that just because youhave a very supportive family and are doing well academically, does not meanthat your negative feelings are invalid – unfortunately things like mentalillness and low self-esteem do not discriminate and can affect everybody. Youare valid, and it is completely okay for you to feel like this

Although you may feel like you are bothering your friendsand family by talking to them about how you are feeling and asking for advice,but they are there to help and support you, and I’m sure they will not feellike you are bothering them. It is very common for people suffering withnegative feelings about themselves to isolate themselves away in fear ofannoying others, but this can make your low moods worse – I really suggesttrying to stay in contact with your friends, even if you don’t talk to themabout how you are feeling, having people to talk to generally and occupyyourself with is really healthy. It is important that if you are strugglingwith your mental health then you should seek help from a counsellor, GP, oranother medical professional – they can work with you to explore how you arefeeling deeper and can help you access further support that you may need. Thispage gives some information about getting help which will hopefully make theprocess a little easier for you.

You are definitely not useless and stupid, lovely! It can bereally hard to see the positive and good things that you do on a daily basis,but something that we should all practise a little more, is celebrating and rewardingourselves for doing even the smallest good thing – did you put your rubbish inthe bin rather than leaving it on the floor? Good job, now someone else doesn’thave to tidy up after you! Did you smile at someone today? Well done, you mighthave made that person’s day! It’s all about mindfulness and recognising the goodparts of your personality, which often we forget and submit to the darker partswe see.

Please remember that you are so worthy of help, and thatthere are many people you can reach out to. Here are our pages about helplinesand web counselling which may be useful to you if talking face-to-face withsomeone is not something you are comfortable doing.

Take care!

Rhiann xo