#JC tries to do a writing exercise

[sauriansolutions]

Me: my kink blog needs more kink content... I'm going to write burpcanons for my favorite characters!

Also me: oops I accidentally just wrote an entire character analysis essay about Jade ;;

Yeah uhh... idk why I'm like this? I'll try again another time... but if anyone wants to read my way too intense whoopsie attempt, imma throw it here~!

my main jade headcanon is that jade's excessive politeness is just a mask to hide his more twisted core (see what i did?) 

But i can also imagine a jade who genuinely values social etiquette. Maybe it's an anxious/ASD insistency on "rules"--he learns an effective rule, (ie, burping in public is *always* rude), and unless he has legitimate cause to update (say, he learns burping is considered a compliment in the Scalding Sands), he'll continue to follow this rule rigidly forever. 

This would generally work well for jade. But it might make him seem unapproachable in a different way (*too* polite! Suspicious! Is he a robot? What's his deal?)

The other problem is, such a system could easily lead to jade holding himself to an unrealistic standard. If he ever did slip up, (letting out a loud burp in public by accident,) i could see this leading to excessive embarrassment and self-recrimination.

I can imagine a child version of jade coming to the realization that his predatory nature scares others away, realizing that he needs to find *some* way of appearing more approachable, if he ever wants to "fit in" and make any friends besides floyd and azul. Even among the trio members, i think jade is legitimately the scariest--he's as smart as azul, as strong as floyd, and he also lacks their innate social skills (potentially toeing the ASD/psychopath line).

A really cute, kinda sad idea: what if little jade asked his grandma tried to teach him "proper etiquette?" And she does... but, because she's from a totally different generation of merfolk, it's rather antiquated? 

Jade's parents and teachers make things worse by encouraging this... because, c'mon, a ten year old politely bowing and saying things like, "my goodness, please excuse me!"... is actually really adorable. 

This leads to jade developing a persona that's very respectable and charming. 

Yet he'd still come off pretty eccentric, and he'd have an especially hard time relating to other kids his age. While mer kids would just find his behavior and speech patterns stuffy and outdated, on land he'd definitely come off as the most "foreign" of the octotrio, as the high-class manners he learned are specific to an older generation, *of the northern coral sea.*

Unfortunately, i think azul would also strongly encourage jade's overly-polite personality change... but this is because azul sees how uncanny and frankly terrifying *this* jade would be as a business associate. 

This isn't to say i think azul would intentionally sabotage his friend! Rather, i think azul a.) Respects jade to the extent i doubt he'd believe himself capable of manipulating him, and b.) Wants to be like that himself--outwardly perfectly polite and respectable, secretly capable of being as cold and ruthless as necessary. 

I think this whole, "being envious of a character trait the other believes is a serious flaw" component of jade and azul's relationship has tons of angst/introspection potential, whether used as a kink thing or not. 

Kink example: jade accidentally burps during some meeting or social event. He excessively over-apologizes, and smoothly directs the conversation on. Everyone, especially azul, comes away with a higher opinion of jade--"oh jade is so courteous~ wow, even when he makes a (totally reasonable) mistake, he goes so far out of his way to apologize, what a gentleman~~"

What they don't see, is jade secretly reprimanding and hating himself. Endlessly agonizing, recommitting to a standard of absolute, inhuman perfection that is 1000% fear and shame driven. Believing that anything less will make others hate him, (even more than they probably already do!)

Meanwhile azul is like, "i wish i could commit to *that* level of self-destruction! I'll just have to try harder~"

One last thing re: jade/azul's messed-up dynamics, then I'll move onto jade/floyd. I think, tragically, that jade and azul secretly idealize each other--hyperfixating on their strengths and successes, and minimizing/completely overlooking their flaws and failures. But, because they're snarky bitches to each other to hide their vulnerabilities, they both believe the other holds them in disdain and contempt, when in fact, the opposite is true. 

And because they're both intelligent, driven, hardworking, and self-sacrificing, jade and azul have not only accidentally grown to become each other's perfect enablers--they've tricked themselves into believing that they like this arrangement. 

Floyd time!

Regardless of whether they had to eat their siblings to survive or not, i hc that jade always took on the role of the "parentified" twin. Now, floyd is a prodigy in many ways: strong, stubborn, and dangerously creative... but i think he's only able to be this way because jade was there to be the anchor twin. Unlike floyd, jade can be relied upon to be unflinchingly stoic. Jade's always (needed to be) the one who can make the hard decisions. To do what needs to be done, without crying or complaining. And, no matter the toll on his body or soul, move on to the next thing, seemingly unaffected. 

The Leech twins are, especially in life-or-death situations, actually highly complimentary and really effective together, in these roles. That said, the twins' dynamic, especially in "normal" situations like making friends and going to school--could easily veer into toxic codependency. 

And since jade is the anchor, i think floyd was probably really, really upset when jade first started developing his polite personality. 

Initially, jade's attempts at becoming this "new" jade probably led to a lot of pushback from floyd. And I'm talking fighting, pleading, complaining, full-on tantrums, tearful threats of abandonment, and basically anything and everything floyd could think of (and he is Dangerously Creative), to get jade to go back to behaving like he did before.

But a combination of jade's stoicism, stubbornness, and refusal to back down from his decision in any way eventually led to floyd more or less accepting that jade is going to do what jade is going to do. 

There was also comfort in the realization that, no matter the outward facade, jade was still jade

[lucidlivi]

Fur and Fate

Requested: @deans-spinster-witch

Tag List: @jc-winchester @mrsjenniferwinchester @perpetualabsurdity @antisocialcorrupt @heavenlyackles @anixiiee @jackles010378 @suckitands33 @k-slla @alternativeprincess @spnbaby-67 @cevansbaby-dove @cutedisneygrl @hzllxhoundxx @kmc1989 (I have my tag lists all messed up lol I'm very sorry if I missed you!)

Warnings: PTSD, Violence, Language, Service Dog Use, Trauma, Demonic Possession

switching point of view will be indicated with italics

*I just want to state a disclaimer that I am not an expert on PTSD or Service Dog Use, I did consult with someone who knows more than I do in order to write it to be more real/fair representation!

I took a deep breath trying to calm my erratic heart rate. I stared at the hooded figure walking in the grocery store parking lot. I felt a nudge against my hand, then another, a little more forceful this time.

I looked down just in time to see my service dog Sammy nudging me with his nose, trying to get me to walk away from the window. He puts his paw on my leg, trying to give me a forceful push.

I let Sammy lead me away from the window to one of the aisles. I once again tried to calm my breathing. I was trying to remember the mindfulness exercises that my therapist had taught me, but I was already spiraling at this point.

I shut my eyes tight trying to block out the images of that fateful night.

"goodnight mommy." I whispered as she tucked me in.

"goodnight my love."

"mommy?" I called before she could leave.

"yes my love?"

"when's daddy coming home?"

At eight years old I didn't understand that Daddy left for good and he wasn't coming home. He didn't love us anymore.

"I don't know my love, let's just try to get some rest." Mom said kissing my forehead once more.

I pulled the blanket up to my chin, giving my mom one last smile. I saw her switch on my night light as she exited my room. I never had a problem falling asleep. I was out within minutes, dreaming of princesses and unicorns.

I jumped hearing a loud thud coming from downstairs. I sat up rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

"mommy?" I called out in the darkness.

I heard more thumping coming from downstairs. I got up, grabbing my unicorn night light, before descending down the staircase.

"mommy?" I called again.

I walked in to the living room, seeing a man standing over my mom. He wore a black hooded sweatshirt so I couldn't see his face.

"baby run!" I heard mommy call out weakly.

I couldn't run.

I felt like my little legs were glued to the spot.

I watched in horror as the hooded figure stabbed my mom with a knife. I felt blood splatter on my face as the figure yanked the knife from her body before plunging it back in. In an instant mommy was thrown against the wall, and her body became engulfed in flames.

"mommy no!" I cried.

I'll never forget what happened after, and to this day, nobody believes what I saw.

I backed up in fear, my back hitting the bookshelf. I watched the hooded figure turn around, giving me a chance to look at his face. I tried to get a good look at him, but the only thing I saw were his eyes.

Black, and not just the irises.

No, the entire eye was pitch black.

He stared at me giving me a sickly sweet smile.

"I'll be back for you."

Those were the last words I heard before the figure disappeared.

I sat frozen in fear until I was being pulled out of the house by police officers.

I knew my mommy was gone.

I lived every day in fear of the man, his words haunting me.

I was asked to come to the police station to make an id on the suspect police were sure committed the crime, but it wasn't any of the men they brought in.

I didn't see black eyes.

Of course nobody believed the testimony of a terrified eight year old.

Mom's case ran cold, and was eventually forgotten about altogether.

Not by me though.

I felt like any day the man would be back for me.

I got the hell out as soon as I turned sixteen.

I've been living on my own since.

I eventually met a friend who told me to seek out therapy.

PTSD is what they call it. It stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was the poster child for it, it seems.

I witnessed my mother being murdered by a black eyed man.

I couldn't go out anywhere without feeling like I was going to run in to the man with black eyes. I feared for my life every second of every day.

I felt exceptionally triggered any time I saw a person with their hood up.

I felt paws digging in to my leg again. Sammy was pushing on me, alerting me that I needed to sit down so he could help me. I sat down, leaning my back against the shelf. Sammy climbed on to my lap, and leaned in to my chest, putting pressure on me. I wrapped my arms around him, squeezing tightly.

I worked on controlling my breathing, reminding myself that I am safe. It took awhile, but I eventually calmed myself down with deep breathing exercises. Sammy, noticing I was much calmer now licked my face before climbing off my lap.

I got up stretching my muscles. I was always so exhausted after an episode.

I just wanted to pay for my groceries at this point and go home. I grabbed my basket that I had dropped in my episode. I went to turn around, accidentally clamoring in to a hard chest.

"oh gosh, I'm so sorry." I heard a deep voice say.

I looked up, my eyes landing on the most beautiful man I had ever seen.

Green eyes pierced my own, as I gazed at his facial features. Freckles dusted his nose and cheeks. He licked his lips, bringing my attention to them.

"no, I'm sorry I wasn't watching where I was going." I managed to squeak out.

I was weary of most people, but this man seemed gentle, and harmless. I couldn't deny there was something about him that just seemed safe.

"are you okay?" the mystery man asks.

I chuckled softly.

I don't think I even knew the meaning of being okay.

I haven't been okay in awhile.

I was about to respond when Sammy went over to the mystery man, sniffing him, before nudging his hand. Sammy was specifically trained not to do this when he was working, but for some reason he really wanted attention from the mystery man.

"well hi buddy." the man said leaning down and scratching under Sammy's chin.

Sammy's tail wagged with delight. It seems that Sammy thought he was harmless too.

"I'm sorry, he doesn't ever do that, he's trained not too." I said, my cheeks going red.

He probably thought I had no control over my service dog.

"oh, should I not be petting him? I apologize, I didn't know." the man said standing up quickly.

"no, no its okay, he likes you." I laughed as I watched Sammy lay down so the stranger could scratch his belly.

"well I would love to know his name, and yours?" the man asked, once again giving Sammy the attention he craved.

"I'm (y/n), and this is Sammy." I said.

I watched the strangers eyes light up with amusement.

"Sammy huh? I have a Sammy too."

"you have a dog named Sammy?" I asked.

"well he's sort of like a dog, doesn’t sit or stay very well." the stranger answered, making me confused.

"Dean, what the hell I've been...." I heard a voice start to say but he tapered off when he saw me.

"meet my Sammy." the stranger, who I'm now learning is named Dean says with a laugh.

I saw the other man roll his eyes in annoyance.

"Hi, I'm Sam." He said shaking my head.

"(y/n)." I answered returning his hand shake.

Sammy didn't brush against his hand for a pet. It seems that he only did it for Dean.

"I should uh be going gentleman, sorry again for bumping in to you Dean." I spoke grabbing Sammy's leash.

I never stayed in one place for too long, it was far too risky.

"It was my fault." Dean was quick to defend.

Sammy nudged Dean once more earning a scratch behind the ear.

"see ya Sammy, take care of your mom." Dean said giving Sammy one last pet.

I smiled at the pair, heading to the front to pay for my groceries. I was relieved to see that the hooded figure was gone. I put my groceries up to scan, glancing around furiously at my surroundings.

It was something ingrained in me to do. It was my flight or fight response.

I had to make sure I had a way out of every situation.

I took note of all of the emergency exits.

I handed the cashier my money, quickly collecting the bags in my arms. I grabbed Sammy's leash heading towards my pickup truck. I saw Sammy stop abruptly, his hackles rising to signify something wasn't quite right. I glanced around the parking lot, but nothing caught my eye.

"what is it boy?" I panicked.

Sammy started to whine, putting his head in the crook of my knee to push me towards the truck. I felt my heart start to race. I quickly got in the seat, allowing Sammy to jump in beside me. As I started the truck I saw a figure illuminated in the headlights. I felt fear course through my body.

It seemed like the figure was staring directly at me.

I put a hand in Sammy's fur trying to calm my heart rate.

I saw the figure step closer, the light illuminating more of it's features. I felt my heart sink to the bottom of my chest.

Black Eyes.

"no, no." I started to cry.

He had found me.

I jumped as a hand started banging on my window. I snapped my head to the side seeing Dean standing there. I quickly turned my head back to where the black eyed man stood but he was now gone.

"(y/n) are you okay?" Dean asked opening the door.

I felt the air leave my lungs as I stared at the empty spot. I felt like my chest was burning from the lack of oxygen. Sammy noticing my breathing become heavier made his way to my lap, putting pressure against my chest. I dug my fingers in to his fur trying to calm my erratic heart rate.

"you saw it before didn't you?" Dean asked, voice laced with concern.

"my.mom." I managed to choke out between heavy breaths.

Dean ran a hand down my back trying to help me calm myself. I would've thought it a sweet gesture if I wasn't completely losing my shit right now.

I didn't know what got me more scared, the fact that it found me or the fact that it was real.

I wasn't crazy, at least I got that closure.

I buried my face in Sammy's fur going through my deep breathing exercises once again trying to calm myself. It felt like hours but I was finally able to slow my breathing down to an even rhythm. I looked over to see Dean still sat with me.

"that thing killed my mom, and now I think it wants to kill me." I voiced my concerns.

Dean gave me a look, like he knew more than he was letting on.

"it's called a demon." Dean spoke.

A demon? I didn't know what I expected but it certainly wasn't that.

"like one of those things from hell?" I scoffed.

"exactly that, look I know it sounds crazy but I can help you." Dean said.

"you're right you sound completely crazy." I growled looking at him.

I thought Dean looked gentle and safe but in reality I didn't know him at all. He could be insane for all I know. He was sounding that way with all this talk about demons.

"look you don't live in the world you think you do, okay, there are things out there, things that you wouldn't think exist but I promise you they do." Dean said.

"Dean I really can't do this right now." I said trying my best to leave the situation.

"you know in your heart that this is something more, you just don't want to believe it." Dean said adamantly.

"please, let me go." I cried.

"that's why you told the police a black eyed monster killed your mom." Dean spoke not daring to look me in the eyes.

"how the hell do you know that?" I growled, suddenly fearful of this stranger.

"I read the police report." Dean said looking suddenly guilty.

He's read about me.

He knew me.

I thought running in to him was fate, but that wasn't the case at all.

It was planned.

"go to hell Dean." I spit at him.

Dean sighed backing away from the truck. I slammed the truck door, leaning my head on the steering wheel. I sobbed, feeling like the world was slowly closing in on me.

Dean was right.

I knew this was something more.

But a demon?

No.

It can't be.

Can it?

Plus who the hell even was this guy?

He read my file.

Was he a detective?

Why help now?

Surely detectives don't believe in demons.

I pulled out of the parking lot, wanting nothing more than to get the hell out.

Dean

"way to go genius why'd you bring up the police report?" Sam asked stepping out of the shadows.

"I don't know, I was trying to help." I said running a hand through my hair.

I didn't know why this girl was having such an effect over me.

Maybe I did.

"Dean, we had a plan why didn't you stick to it?" Sam grumbled.

"you didn't exactly follow through to your part either, considering the bastard got away." I growled at my baby brother.

"Dean, I get you want to help this girl but..." Sam started but I cut him off.

"Sam, that's just it, you don't get it! I watched mom die, okay, I know the pain she feels every single day. I watched her die and there was nothing I could do." I yelled, feeling the emotions wash over me.

"Dean you were just a kid, what were you supposed to do?"

"I couldn't do anything then, but I can do something now."

Sam nodded his head in understanding.

I had a good feeling this demon could lead us to the yellow eyed demon that killed mom.

I expected to meet her, I planned it.

I knew she could help us catch this thing.

I didn't expect her to tug on my heart.

Sam and I hopped back in the impala driving back to the motel. I couldn't shake this feeling like something bad was going to happen. Although lately I felt that way all the time. It was like I was living in a nightmare, and no matter how hard I fought I just couldn't bring myself out of it. I threw my jacket down angrily.

"I feel like this bastard is always a step ahead of us." I growled, crashing on to the uncomfortable bed.

Sam was about to respond, but we heard a light scratching on the door.

"what could that be?" Sam wondered aloud.

"one way to find out." I said grabbing my pistol.

Sam grabbed his, slowly opening the door.

I was shocked to find Sammy. I looked around, noticing (y/n) wasn't with him. I felt fear in the pit of my stomach. Sammy was whining, circling around.

"I think he wants us to follow him." I said to Sam.

Sam gave me a look of concern before nodding his head. Sammy started to walk away, Sam and I hot on his trail. He led us down the road to a worn down apartment complex. I instantly noticed her truck. It was still running, and her groceries were on the ground.

"Dean this doesn't look good." Sam said noticing the scene too.

Sammy whined, pawing at my leg. I bent down wrapping my arms around him.

"I promise boy I'll find her." I said giving him a hug.

Sammy wiggled out of my arms, going towards a door and starting to paw at it.

"I don't like this Dean." Sam warned as I walked towards the door.

I ignored him, hesitantly trying the handle. It was unlocked.

I swung the door open, but the room was pitch black, leaving no visibility.

"Dean." I heard her voice say.

"I'm here, where are you?" I asked whipping around in the darkness.

I heard a sickening chuckle as the room illuminated. (y/n) stood in the corner, but I could tell it wasn't (y/n).

"leave her body now." I growled, as her once beautiful colored eyes flashed black.

"I don't know what you're talking about Dean? It's me."

"leave her body." I growled once again.

"or what? I mean you can't kill me, no because that would mean she'd die too, and you don't want that do you Dean?" the demon taunted.

the demon was right.

If I tried anything she'd die too.

"besides, I can help you."

"yeah like I'm stupid enough to trust you." I growled as the demon possessing her body started to circle me.

"I mean if you don't want to know why your mom died I guess that's your loss. I can tell you though, this one, her daddy made a deal he couldn't cash, and would you believe he traded the lives of his wife and his daughter, what kind of a man does that? I mean your mother wasn't innocent either."

I felt my blood boiling in anger.

"you don't know what the hell you're talking about." I spit.

I tensed as the demon came up, using her hand to rest on my cheek.

"oh but I do."

I grabbed her by the throat, pinning her to the wall. It hurt me to do, but I had to remind myself she wasn't herself right now.

"shut up, and let her go." I growled.

"you know you're hot when you're angry."

In a split second she had her hand on my throat throwing me to the ground. I landed with a thud, causing her to laugh.

"oh Dean this is just too easy."

"where's the yellow eyed demon." I growled.

"in a place you'll never find."

"so he's sending you to do his dirty work, is that it?" I growled.

"kind of like that, but we all have our own personal vendettas."

I could see out of the corner of my eye Sam drawing a devil's trap. I needed to lure her out there.

"let her go, or else."

"or else what, you can't kill me, I thought we were past this."

It was now or never.

I stood up slowly as she paced around me.

"you're right, I can't kill you, but that doesn't mean I can't trap you."

As soon as the words left my lips, I tackled her body out of the door, right in to the trap. I moved out of the way as the demon stood up angrily, unable to move.

"what did you do to me?"

"it's called a devils trap, and now we're going to make you leave whether you want to or not." Sam growled.

I started reciting the latin words that would exercise the demon from her body. I felt a pang of guilt as she thrashed around with each word I spoke.

I spoke the final line, and the demon left her body, causing her to collapse to the ground. Sam took the book from my hands reciting the next part of the exorcism to send the demon back to hell where it belongs. I ran into the devils trap picking up her body, just as Sam spoke the last line sending the demon back to hell.

"Sam get me a cold washcloth." I yelled cradling her limp body.

Sam ran inside the apartment, returning quickly with what I asked for. I put it to her forehead dabbing lightly while shaking her awake.

"come on, wake up." I pleaded shaking her harder.

Reader

"I won't take your life, just your soul."

I could only remember those words being spoken before I awoke with a jolt. I touched my body making sure I was still alive, and most importantly still me. I glanced up seeing the concerned eyes of Dean.

"Dean?"

"Oh thank god you're back." He sighed in relief.

I tried to sit up but it felt like my joints were on fire.

"Easy, you'll be sore for awhile, I uh kind of had to tackle you." Dean said rubbing his neck nervously before helping me sit up.

"what the hell happened to me?" I asked.

Dean explained everything.

Demons, possession, exorcisms.

It would have been pretty unbelievable if I hadn't just lived through it. He explained the deal my father made.

A deal with the devil.

I couldn't believe that my mom was gone because of him. I just hoped wherever he was, he was paying too.

Dean explained that he saw his mom die at the hands of a demon too. I felt my heart sink as he explained that he's spent all this time looking for the thing that killed her.

I gazed at him, seeing the broken person that lay underneath this tough facade.

Dean watched his mom die too. He was just as broken as I was.

I put my hand to his cheek gently caressing it with my thumb.

"Dean, you saved me."

"I had a little help." Dean said glancing towards the truck.

Sam opened the door, allowing Sammy to run out into my arms. He was wagging his tail like crazy, licking over my face.

"I missed you too boy." I smiled hugging him tightly.

Sammy jumped on Dean causing Dean to chuckle. He reached down scratching him.

"I guess it was a little bit of fur and fate." I whispered biting my lip.

"fur and fate huh?" Dean whispered, suddenly much closer than before.

"I didn't really believe in fate, but then again I didn't really believe in demons either." I said.

"and what now?"

"now, I believe I want you to kiss me." I whispered taking in his intoxicating scent.

"I can do that." Dean whispered leaning in.

I don't know if it was fur or fate, but whatever it was, I was thankful.

and for the first time since I was eight years old, I felt okay.

Author Note:

I'm sorry it took me so long to finish! I really hope you liked it! I'm forever grateful for all the love!

xoxoxo

Liv

[jtl07]

jtl07 fics, fall 2023, pt 1

Been liking these recaps as a means for reflection so here’s another one for the past two months. (Likely going to be quiet here - I’m still around and writing, just the pendulum has swung the other way so gotta ride some stuff out)

General stats 

Total on this pseud: 8 (all Warrior Nun fandom - I swear I have SuperCorp fics in progress I just keep getting distracted lol) 

Fics posted (chronological order): 

so different now from what it seemed - or: a bittersweet reunion, a bittersweet goodbye

another little peace (restful pieces): a glimmer, a mystery - or: Camila notices something new about Beatrice

so live it - or: 5 times Beatrice never allows herself to want, to love (and one time she did)

i walked with you once - or: JC finds Ava, again - alive, and in love

another little peace (restful pieces): lead you (follow) - or: Ava is back and Beatrice follows

pocketful - or: Five times Beatrice re/discovers pockets

another little peace (restful pieces): home is (where you are; now) - or: Ava returns to her childhood home

we both know how this ends - or: Beatrice looks for Ava; finds Persephone instead

(More numbers, thoughts, and some plans below the cut)

More numbers

Total words: 13641

Shortest fic: 402 - lead you (follow) 

Longest (one-shot): 2894 - pocketful

Average/Median word count: 1705 / 1795

Most hits + kudos (of this batch, thus far)

i walked with you once

so different now from what it seemed

pocketful

General thoughts

In comparison to the last review, numbers are down all around which is unsurprising considering a) how much I wrote in August (for me, there’s always a “trough” or “planting season” that follows that kind of output) and b) health stuff that decided to rear its head. While I’ve been prioritizing rest, I was still surprised that I was able to write as much as I did in October.

That said, I was admittedly frustrated a lot because I can literally feel my brain grasping for words but things being just out of reach. But I guess it’s a lesson of doing what you can with what you have. (Still, I’ll do my PSA: Be careful with your head! You don’t have to be unconscious to get a concussion! Post-concussion syndrome is a thing!) 

But also because of this situation, I tried to just write for myself, which is why there’s such a wide range of stuff lol 

Fic(s) that surprised you: 

we both know how this ends - for sure wow - a lot of times I start off with a vibe and then a narrative starts to appear but this one kept me in the dark the whole time. I definitely didn’t expect the ending, which was a rare exercise in “action” 

lead you (follow) - I had intended for this idea to be something longer but when I sat down to write, it ended up so short. I actually tried to make it longer but it felt complete in that it captured the feelings I had about the song that inspired it 

Fic(s) that you’re proud of: 

so different now from what it seemed - I have a weakness for amnesia fics lol. I was really happy with this one (probably because it was one of the only ones in this batch that flowed smoothly during the writing, which I know isn’t in my control but still) - I felt like I was able to get really close to what I had in my head when I sat down to write it. You can also tell that I was still under the influence of Stray Gods in some of the imagery lol   

another little peace (restful pieces): home is (where you are; now) - I really liked how this turned tbh, something clicked here, and even though some of it was hard and I wasn’t sure what the ending would be until it was written, I’m happy with how the vibe carried all the way through. Tbh there were quite a number of times where I’d written down a nice line and then just stopped and squee'd at myself lol (it’s true that you’re your number one reader lol)

pocketful - tbh this is one of the many that left me frustrated (I wish it was tighter and there were plenty of passages where I struggled) but I was proud of myself for being patient with it, especially the ending, which had given me some trouble (I rewrote it a number of times before finally settling on what’s posted) 

Fic that was the hardest to write / fic that you wish got more love:

i walked with you once - I mentioned in the author notes that I was inspired by another fic, so I had the idea in my head but figuring out the actual sequences were difficult. I think part of what went wrong was that I didn’t build up JC’s character - or rather, I’m still learning how to efficiently frame the perspective within the character in question while also making it clear who the story is really about when it comes to these kind of 3rd party observer fics 

so live it - tbh I’m surprised this one is so low in terms of stats (I suspect it’s because it’s not explicitly avatrice) but I’m also not super happy with this to begin with. This was yet another fic where I was inspired by a different one (I guess “remixing” isn’t my forte/is a skill I’m still learning) and while I liked the idea of it, I wish it was tighter narratively - for example, having a sort of “leitmotif” that connects all the sequences. 

WIPs in the wings

Hm so I mentioned last time that there’s a sister to every leaf that falls (never stops falling) in the works and that’s still true, just going very slow because I’ve got a ton of ideas for it, so it’s more an act of culling, pruning to keep everything centered on the theme. Everything else I mentioned is on pause because … brain. 

What I have picked up, however, is a short piece for Veterans Day [edit: not sure if I'll do this one anymore, I just can't reconcile anything military right now] and a potential multi-chapter / long one-shot (I haven’t figured out which yet) that features some amnesia-ish elements - it’s gonna be a big challenge for me to write it, and will likely take me into next year if I’m able to stick with it. (I really want to do this because it’s always been a goal of mine to write something 10k - I know I have looks for you in everything (finds you there) but it wasn't all connected yknow?)

But in the meantime, there will likely be some random short pieces that will come up when I least expect it, which is how most of my writing happens lol 

Anywho, as always, if you’ve read this far - or read any of my work! - thank you so, so much for your support. The community of it all really helps and I truly appreciate every kudo, comment, like, reblog <3  

[morifinwes]

wangxian fic rec list!

aka in which i read fics, write some recs down for aamna and share them!! they're all wangxian fics and uhh @yibobibo i hope you'll like them!!

modern

wolf devours playboy bunny by @greenteafiend (5K, werewolf!lwj, getting together, idk if anyone needs to know that but there's nudity just not uhh explicit)

Lan Zhan has wanted Wei Ying as long as he has known him, and the worst part is that he thinks Wei Ying could want him back.

Too bad he could never in good conscience let himself go there—Wei Ying has a debilitating fear of all things canine, and once a month, Lan Zhan is the exact, precise thing that Wei Ying’s nightmares are made of.

Aka, Lan Zhan is a werewolf.

between the lines by @jywait (19K gaming au!!!, i'm always down for a good gaming au, lwj is the best aksks he's such a good boy)

☆yilingpatriarch☆: pls...give me some face, help me fight these monsters...I'm gonna die

Bluetooth: no.

"You have died." The screen said, and Wei Wuxian threw his hands up in frustration.

resonant frequencies by chinxe (15K, college au, fake dating au, tw mention of cheating but it's brief and no one was cheated on i promise)

In which Wei Wuxian decides that the best way to deal with being in love with Lan Wangji is to pretend to date him for three weeks.

It goes about as well as can be expected.

drift compatible by windoworwhatever (5K, poetry, fluff, drunkji, getting together, college au)

"It was just a fact of life. The sky was blue, university stipends for graduate students working in TA positions barely covered rent, bisexuals cuffed their jeans, Lan Wangji had a massive crush on Wei Wuxian, and spent his time pining and writing research papers about gay subtexts in ancient poetry."

OR

Lan Wangji is in love with Wei Wuxian, and everybody knows, except Wei Wuxian.

the bunny next door by detailsinthefabric (43K, this is mostly fluff and very light angst, and they were neighbors!!!, rabbits!!, aka wangxian's bunny children, this is... so cute i just have to rec it)

Lan Wangji did not know what he was doing. He did not know what he was going to say. He was frozen in place, puzzling over the situation. Maybe he had made the man uncomfortable, which is why he wanted to leave? But his tone had still been so friendly—maybe…

“Would…” he paused, swallowed, forced the last words to come out of his suddenly parched mouth, “would you let me pet him?”

-------------------------------------

Lan Wangji, who doesn't know how to socialize and whose icy demeanor scares everyone away, lets down all his defenses when he meets the bunny next door...oh, and also its owner, Wei Wuxian.

leading tone by silencemostofall (32K, everyone is a music student? or something like that akskk, curse fic, tw panic attacks, tw child abuse, small scene of drunkji, wwx has low self esteem, bro this was so painful to read)

The first time you touch someone you're fated to love, you leave a mark on their skin. If they will love you in return, they'll mark you where you touched them. The deeper the color, the deeper the connection.

Wei Ying has no marks at all.

public places, private thoughts by leahelisabeth (for the love of camelot) ( 8K, cherry magic au, getting together with like... immediate upgrade to fiance status, the author is wrong i crave good wangxian cherry magic aus even tho i haven't even watched cherry magic)

Wei Wuxian had heard the story of course. It had made its rounds through his high school and followed him into his college days. He didn’t think there was any possibility it was true. Virginity was a social construct, invented by creepy old men to exercise dominance over women. The idea that a simple lack of sexual activity before the age of thirty could give one magical powers was absolutely ludicrous.

Wei Wuxian believed this until the morning of his thirtieth birthday.

AKA the Wangxian Cherry Magic AU that absolutely nobody asked for.

i'd be all right (if i could see you) by @thirtysixsavefiles (16K, this was nice, i read this at 6am but it was cute, (while writing this post i must admit i don't remember anything but 6am-me said it's good))

The younger Lan brother is something of an enigma on campus; while Lan Xichen can sometimes be seen in the company of other graduate students or conducting a seminar, Lan Wangji appears to spend all his time in class or in the library. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. He doesn’t attend social events. He doesn’t do anything for fun, as far as Wei Wuxian can tell, and it’s driving Wei Wuxian just a little bit up the wall.

Or, Wei Wuxian convinces Lan Wangji to come to a house party, and then they're assigned to the same group project. Wei Wuxian tries his best, but he is not in possession of all the facts.

axe on leg by itszero (4K, i still don't get why wwx did that but it was nice seeing him jealous for once, jealous!wwx, lwj i love you....)

Wei Wuxian pressed his face into his pillow and screamed. He paused to take a few deep breaths, partially hindered by the pillow, and listened to the sounds of Nie Huaisang slurping his iced coffee, from his seat on Wei Wuxian's desk chair.

Having caught his breath, he resumed his screaming and did not stop at the sound of his dorm room door opening.

"What's wrong with him?" He heard his brother, Jiang Cheng, ask.

The slurping stopped. "He's an idiot."

"He's always been an idiot. Why is he bothered about it now?"

"He forced Lan Wangji to go on a date," Nie Huaisang replied, shaking the ice cubes in his drink.

"Okay and…?"

"With someone else." The slurping resumed.

Wei Wuxian, in all his glorious dumbassery, convinces his boyfriend to go on a date with someone else.

these two most powerful by @stiltonbasket (4K, amnesia, wangxian with children!!!, aksksk this was adorable, dadji!!)

When Lan Wangji went to bed last night, he was alone in a tiny guest room with nothing but the howling of the wind in the mountains and his own lonely thoughts for company.

 

But when he opened his eyes in the morning, Wei Ying was asleep beside him.

 

(In which Lan Wangji loses twenty years' worth of memories after a night-hunt gone wrong, and his life as a doting father and husband continues without a hitch somehow.)

good things come to those who wait [but i ain't in a patient phase] by @cerlunas (4K, getting together, pining lwj)

Lan Wangji can't take it anymore.

 

“I love you”, he says, and god, it feels terrifying. “I’ve been in love with you for a long time.”

“Lan Zhan…” Wei Wuxian starts, but Lan Wangji doesn’t want to hear it.

He grabs his cup and drinks everything. He doesn’t know what face Wei Wuxian is making at him right now, and it’s okay. 

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian repeats louder, but it’s too late. He is already falling asleep.

Or, even after 13 years, Lan Wangji is still in love with his best friend. Maybe it's time to open up.

wei ying, will you marry m- oh my god he swallowed the ring! by selene210 (2K, marriage proposals, crack, marriage proposals but.. they go wrong)

“A ring?”

And indeed it was. The ring Lan Wangji was going to propose to Wei Ying with. That the man had now choked on.

“You swallowed it.”

“It was in my soufflé! Why did you put a ring in my soufflé Lan Zhan- oh. oh”

of glittery valentine's cards by @soft-fics (3K, valentine's day, this was adorable aksk, a-yuan best boy!!)

Lan Zhan didn't want to know what his best friend had planned for Valentine's Day; his heart would simply not be able to handle it. When his son tells him that he made Wei Ying a Valentine's Day card, though, Lan Zhan decided to bring it over anyway.

of coffee and white tea by @soft-fics (9K, fluff, lwj doesn't like coffee, wwx buys him coffee, then they switch drinks, again and again and again, the staff ships it lmao, tbh jc shouldn't have done that like wtf)

For the fourth time this week a stranger orders him a cup of coffee. Lan Wangji wonders how exactly to tell this man to stop ordering him coffee he doesn't even like. Turns out, buying the other white tea and switching drinks is not the best way to go about it

canon setting

on the importance of restraint (or lack thereof) by nixthothou (4K, in which sizhui snaps, i love that boy, no like seriously he's the best boy)

Lan Sizhui does not usually find himself in the company of Sect Leader Jiang.

Suffice to say, Lan Sizhui's feelings toward him are conflicted.

lan wangji is wei wuxian's baby by lilycs (3K, i was craving fluff while reading this, lwj my beloved, drunk!lwj)

Lan Wangji gets drunk from barely a cup of alcohol, becoming a whiny baby and asking his husband for cuddles.

one of our own by glitteringmoonlight (8K, wei wuxian & lan sect, 5+1 things, in which they learn to love him, they're all part of the wwx protection squad lead by lwj, wangxian isn't the focus but !!! THIS)

Times change, but some people remain the same.

The Lans are nothing, if not aware of this.

For one of their own, they will stand against the world.

Or, 5 times the Lans defended Wei Wuxian, and the 1 time he was there to see it happen.

so why not crack your skull when the mind swells by @greenteafiend (13K, love curse, post cql canon, curses, getting together, fluff, so much fluff, lwj tries to talk about his emotions!, lwj pov)

Lan Wangji detects the curse trying to curl through his heart meridians like smoke. A love curse, then. It must have been cast remotely somehow to have found him in his bed in Cloud Recesses. No matter. Lan Wangji crushes it easily, enveloping it in his spiritual energy, and then squeezing. Curse averted, Lan Wangji closes his eyes and goes back to sleep. He thinks no more of it.

Two days later, Wei Wuxian arrives in Cloud Recesses.

Or, Wei Wuxian is cursed to feel terrible pain when he and Lan Wangji aren’t touching.

i started from the bottom / now i'm rich by x_los (57K, time travel, fix it, jealous lwj, crack treated serious, god this is so good tho, wwx/wrh & wwx/jgs but like as a joke and it doesn't really happen, but it has its purpose!!)

“First, you get the money. Then you get the power, respect - hos come last.”

 

Wen Qing traps Wei Wuxian in the Demon Slaughtering Cave, but Wei Wuxian isn’t interested in being the beneficiary of the Wen Remnants’ noble sacrifice. His efforts to free himself accidentally send him back to the beginning of the Sunshot Campaign. Coreless but armed with demonic cultivation, knowledge of the future and his wits, Wei Wuxian takes advantage of this opportunity to come out on top of both the war and its aftermath—before either has a chance to happen—by marrying and swiftly burying the cultivation world’s worst men.

Lan Wangji is confused, hurt, and uncomfortably aroused by Wei Wuxian’s improbably elaborate series of Sect-themed bridal negligees.

lead me on through by mrsronweasley (55K, they're in love your honor, arranged marriage but they don't know to whom, basically wwx & lwj want to practice kissing which then goes beyond kissing but not the whole way y'know, lxc the best wingman tho)

"Who do you think your betrothed is?" Wei Wuxian asks, sprawling out in front of Lan Zhan and enjoying the prim thinning of his lips at the question. He shouldn't be sprawling—they're in the library, for one, and Lan Zhan is studying, for another—but he can't help himself. Wei Wuxian is a sprawler.

"I do not believe this to be of importance," Lan Zhan responds, without turning his gaze away from his book.

"What!" Wei Wuxian sits up. "How can you say that? Of course it's important! This is the person you'll be with for the rest of your life, Lan Zhan."

[lins-fandom-hub]

a friend’s demise

Boring title, I know.

@dat-silvers-girl​ and I talked through a potential alternate storyline in my MC’s multiverse, which I decided to write out in hopes of serving her character justice. Hearing about both of her game plays being banned by JC made me seriously angry, and there’s nothing more I would want to do than at least put out there how angry and empty I felt. But at the same time she had the idea and brought it up to me, so it’s perfect.

So this is for her.

This story takes place in Rowan Khanna’s POV.

---

The explosion still rang in my ears amidst the present solemn silence.

I glanced through dry eyes at my best friend wounding a long piece of pale lilac ribbon through her fingers, twisting it tightly to the thinness of a thread, relaxing the material when the strain was too tight. Through the fuggy film of her glasses I could see her red puffy eyes, the spark of life and joy now absent. Her ponytail, messily done in the morning before the funeral, now dangled limply near the end of her black hair—and I knew I couldn’t blame her for looking like a cold, empty zombie. No one would have known how quickly they would lose a friend.

“She didn’t have to go,” Clara muttered thickly, clearing her throat to rid it of the phlegm. “She had no reason to.”

I didn’t know the deceased as well as she did, and I could only imagine how she was feeling right now. I only remember tutoring her a few times in Potions and Transfiguration when she was struggling for the past few years. I’ve seen her with Clara a few times, though. They even played against each other in Quidditch once or twice overall—Clara as a Chaser for Gryffindor, and she as a Beater for Hufflepuff.

Sarahi Silvers. That was the name I caught on the jersey; that was also the name I caught on her gravestone.

“I don’t understand, Rowan,” Clara finally said, dropping her hands and turning to me. “All my plans were solely for Ben and Merula’s ears—how did you even remotely catch wind of what we were up to? And why did you follow me? Why did she follow me?”

It hurt to see the hurt in her eyes, the anger flashing in the tears that boiled at the brim, and I shook my head numbly.

“I hope you don’t get mad at me,” I murmured after another long stretch of awkward tense silence. “But I had a good reason for following you—I just can’t explain about her—”

“At least tell me why you did what you did first. I only kept ‘R’ a secret from you so that you would be safe!” Clara shouted. “The lesser people involved, the better off we all will be, right?”

“Remember that day at the train station, Clara? The day we went to get love potion ingredients so you could make the trade for an invisibility cloak?” I reminded her. “I told you that I wanted to do the right thing, and worrying about you and caring about you was the right thing. So when Charlie ended up telling me everything about ‘R’, I had to know that you weren’t getting into anything that would cost you your life.”

“But you’re not invincible either, Rowan! If anything, you could have been killed last night!”

“I know. You have every right to be mad at me right now, but you should know that we all do care about you. And you can’t blame Sarahi for doing what she did last night, either…”

The cold mist settled over my ankles like a blanket of frost, but I knew any sign of movement would give me away. I knew Clara only wanted to keep this between herself, Ben, and Merula, but I knew of their plan before they even stepped foot out of the castle. From a single black quill sitting innocently in Jacob’s room, with a transfigured message from ‘R’ asking him to meet them in the Forest Grove, they figured out that not only was Jacob in danger, but the rest of the school potentially could fall under defenceless mercy. I had no idea what they did to prepare, but they seemed prepared to go after ‘R’—at least, Merula was ready to go after Rakepick for the brutal Cruciatus Curse she cast on her in the Buried Vault.

I watched from behind the tree as Clara knelt by a bush and lifted up the low branches, eyes widening as they registered on something on the ground I could not see.

“Ben, Merula, I found something!” she called out.

“What—” Merula ran over to Clara immediately, flinching when she saw what Clara was looking at. “No, don’t touch that! It’s cursed!”

“What do you mean, that necklace is cursed?” Ben inquired, heading over to the two girls now. So that was what was under the bush—a piece of cursed jewelry that might have been of no use to Rakepick.

“That necklace is one of Rakepick’s dark artefacts. She showed it to me once,” Merula added upon seeing Clara’s confused face. “You can touch it if you don’t believe me, see what happens when you do.”

“No, I believe you,” Clara replied hastily. “It’s just…Dumbledore told me he had Rakepick’s Dark Artefacts stored at the Ministry of Magic. If she infiltrated even the one place that has greatest security measures…”

The cool night air suddenly plunged into a deep freeze, and I winced as the bark beneath my fingers began to gather a fine layer of ice.

“Then we’re in deep trouble.”

“No kidding, Lin!” Merula jerked her head at the fluttering black cloaks that surrounded the group. “Look!”

I have never seen them before in the flesh, but I would recognize them anywhere—Dementors, evil beings that sucked the happiness out of any specimen that could express even a sliver of happiness. Hovering in midair like nightmares that haunted the living daylight out of any of us, they closed in on the trio, forming a tight ring around them, obscuring them from view.

From behind me, I thought I could hear a twig snap, but I didn’t want to look back.

“Dementors! They’re surrounding us!”

“Too many!”

“Expecto Patronum!”

I watched with wide eyes as a silver unicorn emerged from Clara’s wand, cantering towards the nearest Dementor with its head bowed and goring it through with its horn. Silently, I applauded her. At least she had a powerful happy memory to fuel her powerful defence.

But even her strength had its limits. Too soon, they were wearing out, and yet the Dementor's ranks seemed to replenish with each attack.

“I can’t keep this up anymore,” I could hear Clara wheeze. “My Patronus…not powerful.”

“And when you drive one back, another takes its place,” Ben noted quietly.

“We’re screwed. Now what?!” Merula cried.

“Expecto Patronum!”

A silver lioness appeared out of nowhere, leaping towards the trio and roaring to the skies, driving every Dementor away with an ever-growing shield as thin as a bubble.

“What the…who was that?” I heard Clara ask.

Imagine everyone’s surprise when out of the shadows stepped none other than Madam Patricia Rakepick. Her fiery red hair gleamed under what little moonlight remained, her symbol of Ra polished to a shine. She towered over them like the Dementors did, save for the fact that she was robed in scarlet instead of obsidian black.

“YOU!” Merula screeched—but barely had she raised her wand when Rakepick knocked it aside, blowing her down with a simple non-verbal spell.

Non-verbal spells…they were hard to execute with as much precision as spoken incantations. How in the world could Rakepick exercise this kind of advantage against the rest of us? Either way, it was clear that the confrontation with the Dementors had completely worn the trio out, and Rakepick eventually struck them down like flies, or severely incapacitated them to the point where they were limping to face her.

At least, Ben was still standing and wincing with pain racking his body where countless blows struck.

“That will teach you a lesson!” he said.

“Take this lesson to your grave!” Rakepick countered, raising her wand. “Avada—”

“NO!”

My eyes barely registered a blur of black, yellow, and white running past me—and before I knew it, a girl about my age had lunged toward Rakepick with an almighty yell, tackling her to the ground.

“Ben!” I shouted then, running toward him as fast as my numbed legs would take me. “Clara, Merula…”

It was then when the trio saw me for the first time—Clara in shock, Ben in anger, and Merula with disgust.

“And here I thought Copper was the Crup puppy sticking around,” Merula drawled. “What are you doing here, Khanna?”

“DUCK!”

TWANG!

The point of a throwing knife sank deep into a tree near Clara’s head, and she didn’t emerge from it entirely unscathed—she cupped a hand to her ear, where the point of the blade nicked her skin.

“You—” Rakepick growled as she tried to throw the girl off her back. “Who are you? What do you want?”

That was when I saw the girl in a better light. Black hair splayed wildly over her brown eyes and pale wheatish skin in the fray, one fist curled around the curse-breaker’s gleaming red hair and the other holding another small knife like the one embedded in the tree.

“Sarahi?!” Clara exclaimed. “What are you doing here?!”

Sarahi did not answer her friend for a few seconds as she landed a roundhouse kick at Rakepick’s spine, sending her flying away from the group. Then she turned to her.

“I told you I could help with any physical fight, didn’t I?” Sarahi responded, pushing the hair out of her eyes. “You helped me find a place here at Hogwarts without making me feel like a waste of space. Now it’s my turn to return the favour.”

“Wait—that’s not—I didn’t—”

“Expulso!”

Somehow, given the harsh impact of the kick, Rakepick still managed to pick herself up, aiming her wand at Sarahi who ducked as the spell flew past her ear, blasting another tree to smithereens.

“Sarahi, you have to get out of here!” Clara shouted as best as her hoarse throat could manage, but she might as well have been screaming into an empty void. Everyone watched with wide eyes as Sarahi grabbed Rakepick’s arm with her free hand, pivoted her feet, and threw her with all her might to the ground, knocking all the wind out of Rakepick with a loud thud. 

“Run!” Sarahi screamed back at us. “All of you—go!”

“No!” Ben shouted. “This was my fight! I was supposed to protect you!”

“No one’s going to protect anyone if we end up dead, Copper!” Merula snapped.

“Aahhh!” Sarahi suddenly exclaimed as Rakepick’s hand closed around her ankle, sweeping her clean off her feet as she landed hard on her butt.

Physical fighting was not unheard of in the Muggle world, but in the wizarding world…one would only rely on such means of combat if they were left with no other choice. Anyone who didn’t have a wand would end up delivering a good punch in the nose, but what good would a bleeding nose be against the deadliest of all Unforgivable Curses? Yet there she was, scratching at Rakepick like a cat at a scratching pole with her free hand while the knife trembled in her tightened grip while Rakepick grabbed at her hair to slow her down.

I have never seen a stranger fight.

“Is this even allowed?” Ben inquired. “I would have loved to see Clara defeat a dragon this way.”

“This is not the time for commentary!” I hissed at him. “We need to get her out of here!”

Just as the words flew out of my mouth, though, I saw the blade plunge downward into Rakepick’s arm, the point sinking deep into flesh rewarded with the sinful scarlet fluid.

“You—” Rakepick growled again, pointing her wand at Sarahi who attempted now to choke her with her bare hands.

“Sarahi, forget her!” Clara screamed. “You have to go now!”

“NO! YOU GO!” Sarahi cried. “All of you go!”

Clara looked just about ready to argue, but I could tell she was in no shape to fight any more. I eventually dragged Clara by the arm while Merula took Ben, but just as we began to head back to Hogwarts I saw Rakepick raise her wand.

“Avada Kedavra!”

A flash of green light enveloped the girl who was in the midst of drawing another knife from her robes; the force blasted her away, and for a moment I thought I saw her mouth morph into a silent scream before her body landed limply on the hard-packed earth, the knife she had just unsheathed sliding off in another direction. At the same time, I saw a scarlet bottle of something fly through the air, landing on the girl where it exploded with a loud BOOM on contact.

I thought I would never hear the end of Clara’s howl of pain after Rakepick Disapparated without another word.

“No, Sarahi can’t be blamed,” Clara realized after a while. “She must have followed you for the same reason you followed me. She...wanted to protect me too."

"And you're sure Sarahi knew nothing about 'R'?" I asked her.

"Positive. The only time I ever mentioned anything even remotely related to this was when I told her Merula had the mindset of a killing machine."

"Well, whatever the case, she must have seen you as someone very important, just like everyone else is," I remarked hollowly. "She must have looked up to you, too."

"Did you know her well?"

I shook my head. "I only tutored her once in a while in Potions and Transfiguration for the last few years. But I had no idea she knew you. She must have known that we were best friends, though."

"Who wouldn't? It's always been us since the beginning. Even the most unwary of students would know," Clara pointed out with a nod, glancing down at the ribbon still crumpled in her hands. "I just wish I could have given her more than just a few words and a simple birthday present. I mean, I could tell she liked it but…"

"You wish you had more time with her?"

"Mhmm. There's so much about her I still don't know."

She eventually fixed her ponytail and tied the ribbon over the elastic, where it now gleamed on her head with a few creases like a tin foil crown. Then she wiped her glasses and sighed, her hands balling into fists.

"They did it, then," Clara finally remarked bitterly. "'R' successfully took a friend's life. But we will take what should have been theirs, had there been no enemy in the way of defying them."

"What are you saying, Clara?"

Clara looked over at me, a storm gathering in her eyes, and for a moment I thought I saw lightning flash in the clouds that formed in her irises.

"We will avenge her in our own way. And once we do, there will be no stopping the storm."

[bloodgarnet]

MDZS Original Mystery Fic Idea

So I came up with this idea for a mystery plot since I was so impressed with all the fic until I read the novel and realised most of it was just minor alterations on canon :/// (still impressive though). I got pretty far in the outline before I realised it would need a lot of minor character interactions and cultural knowledge which I respectively can’t be bothered with and don’t know shit about lol. The premise was also meant to have a lot of happy trolling WWX but most of the scenes turned out pretty serious… There’s probably a 99% chance I’m never going to write this so posting it publicly as free real estate.

Tags: Case Fic, Memory Alteration, Mystery, Plot Heavy, Romance, True Love

Title: Fortune’s Memory OR One Thousand Worries (*from Chinese proverbs)

Summary: Wei Wuxian successfully manages to convince everyone that he is Mo Xuanyu… through absolutely no merit of his own.

Prologue: WWX reflects after his resurrection that even if MXY forgot to state his wishes, he still did a pretty good job—after all, with a totally untested ritual from the branch of cultivation that he invented, who knows how many things could have gone wrong. /foreboding

WWX’s wrist held by LWJ as JC and he argue. Unexpectedly, JC says this is giving him a headache and decides to leave (jin ling says you too, uncle? JC like you ARE my headache, child). LWJ says WWX is coming with him to gusu but WWX argues it and says he doesn’t want to go to such a place with LWJ, whose eyes go cloudy and he suddenly releases WWX, confused. They part ways, but WWX wonders what the heck just happened—unexpectedly lucky! He’s still interested in all the weird things happening though and decides to meet up with wen ning elsewhere.

Meanwhile, LWJ inexplicably feels a profound sense of loss.

JC goes back to Yunmeng with Jin Ling and has trouble remembering things. He tries to recall the culprit of the ghost general incident but can’t picture his face. He tries to scold jin ling but can’t remember what for; jin ling also has trouble remembering. He tells jin ling to go to his room and if he wants sympathy, go to his mother for that. Jin ling freezes and says what are you even talking about. Jiang Cheng blacks out as jin ling screams.

Lan Xichen talks to Jin Guangyao about how both Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang have come down with a mysterious illness which affects their memory—possibly a targeted curse at clan leaders, though perhaps a small smattering of rogue cultivators have also been affected. Sadly, it has even affected the Jin heir, Jin Ling, though his is a bit better. JGY reflects since it’s the opposite way, it can’t be the strength of his golden core but rather maybe his youth that makes him resistant as some spells operate that way. LXC thanks him for the advice and worries that LWJ was recently in contact with JC and JL. JGY comments that these unexpected events are the most dangerous.

WWX meets up with wen ning and they discuss what to do: he frees wen ning from chains and needles and says he could go live life if he wants, but WWX is interested in the ghost arm incident. They get wen ning a disguise and hear from locals that nie huaisang and JC have come down sick. WWX frowns and wonders about the current political climate, who knows how many people would want to take down the sect leaders. Then he hears that LWJ is possibly also ill and feels really bad about it for some reason—that’s what makes him decide to investigate himself, putting this over the ghost arm incident. Wen ning asks how to do that and WWX says they need information now more than anything—they must prepare for the upcoming conference which will discuss what is happening.

JGY attends the conference and notices a strange bird outside. He’s seconds away from touching it when LXC calls him and it flies off. They go inside and discuss the potential epidemic; LXC confesses LWJ seems to show preliminary signs but Clarity seems to be helping him remain stable for now. They discuss it’s potential as a contagious epidemic and agree to have healers share findings as well as a group of famed Lan healers (?) visit the other sects with a small entourage in order to compare patients directly. JGY notes that this subject has totally eclipsed the issue of the ghost hand, which tried to escape Gusu Lan but was caught at the barrier with no casualties but many injuries. Also JC has woken and has a clean slate memory and just seems to be much happier??? They decide to keep the whole thing quiet from the public for now to prevent panicking. Conference ends with JGY accidentally revealing that he’s forgotten something important, so he’s infected too, to LXC’s shock. The bird flies away.

Wwx discusses the situation with wen ning at a restaurant (where wen ning is like thank god my tastebuds are dead lol). Wwx says that the situation is bad but not killing anyone so far which is good. Explains to wen ning that the healers probably know this but it can’t be an epidemic because it hasn’t spread enough; it’s far more likely a targeted attack since it’s really only affecting important people. Lan Sizhui and Jingyi enter the restaurant and WWX hides his face by faceplanting in his noodles lol. WWX and wen ning eavesdrop on their plans to escort the healers back from Nie territory to Gusu Lan, noting that LWJ may have gotten worse in the time they were gone. WWX worries and decides he needs to steal a jade token, but for now they have a convenient target for a little spy.

Sizhui and Jingyi report to LXC with the healers who explain that it IS contagious, a qi transmitted virus, but only from the carrier—likely only one since it hasn’t spread far: so it must be someone who has come into contact with all of the people affected fairly recently. Also it seems like an imbalance of energies causing qi deviation. Sizhui reflects this will be hard since the victims don’t remember anything. LXC says that’s somewhere to start, though, and gets disciples/servants to fetch LWJ from seclusion since it’s not contagious. LWJ joins (sizhui happy!) and says that his illness has not progressed at all. LWJ says that the number of potential carriers is too many but to retrace his steps he might as well seek out the rest of the ghost hand’s body as the hand has conveniently pointed in that direction. Sizhui and Jingyi volunteer to go with him along with some other junior disciples; justification that it can be a low-stress learning exercise if nothing else(?) which is what LWJ was doing originally. Then takes out his sword and strikes down the hidden bird which was trying to steal his token – LXC marvels that LWJ broke a rule (no killing) but LWJ says the bird was already dead.

WWX says, “Shit.” WWX talks to wen ning and says that chasing the hand’s body now is dangerous since LWJ will be there—he wants to investigate the victims too in case there’s a demonic element but has an inexplicable bad feeling. Laughs off concerns about memory because his has always been bad. WWX says that his expertise in this area is lacking though and what they really need is a healer who knows about demonic cultivation and wouldn’t run on sight… oh. Wen Ning is like I mean. WWX like would she kill us?? Hmm. They head to Yiling Burial Mounds.

Dead bird makes everyone realise it’s related to demonic cultivation

Filler scene…? Maybe LWJ POV? Tiger seal? Body parts?

Sizhui and Jingyi realise that someone LWJ met right before this happened (along with JL and JC) is MXY, so they should find him!

Wwx and wen ning arrive at the burial mounds and talk while wwx makes chenqing 2 (joke that’s a JC name! But I can’t think of one now lol). He uses it to summon wen qing with inquiry and ask her about it. She says it’s hard to say but given that no one’s died, it may not even be intentional, maybe just a side effect or symptom of something else. WWX says since there’s no change in political power. It does weaken the sects affected temporarily but a widespread attack like this isn’t so good tactically so it could fit. Wen Qing says she’d need to examine a victim herself but would need a body for that and hers is long gone. WWX like wait you would be okay with me getting yours back? Also idk how to do that?? He explains the ritual he used to come back and she frowns. WWX like to accomplish what you suggest would need more power than I currently have in this body… perhaps by repurposing the tiger seal???

And this is where I stopped because I legit can’t remember what happened to the tiger seal at this point in canon. Probably something about Xue Yang but I skipped over his chapters because I wasn’t interested lol. Since there wasn’t really a point to bringing Wen Qing back, I imagine their plan fails but it brings them into the fold with the other characters, and she stays a ghost and has a tearful goodbye with WN at some point near the end or something. Also having to figure out exactly how the whole Nie Mingjue thing would fall apart with both Nie Huaisang and JGY incapacitated, as well as the whole Qin Su thing... blah. Wanted to change the dead bird thing since I was annoyed at myself for copying a fandom trope but couldn’t think of anything better.

Basically the points I wanted to reach were:

Sizhui and Jingyi note that the spell reveals your ‘true colours’ lol

WWX is eventually caught and interrogation reveals that he also has the virus even tho he has a very weak golden core and they realise he must be a demonic cultivator; some pity because he seems so happy without memories of abuse (his happy antics are even kind of familiar... hmm)

Full clarification that WWX is the virus carrier: it’s a golden core imbalance caused by the imperfect resurrection which infectiously causes qi deviation for people who come into contact with his demonic cultivation and triggered by emotional upheaval which is why JC gets the full thing IMMEDIATELY lol

WWX was trolling at first but then actually DOES forget everything (caused by something with LWJ? Maybe a gay panic lol), but still knows his shit and explains that if it’s an imbalance then the opposing yang/yin energy must be demonic in nature so they should just huff a demonic seal or something lol

^ political statement that demonic cultivation isn’t evil, just ~opposite~

Jin Ling has recovered a bit and says he will talk to MXY but is like wait that’s… not him?? like yes I know he forgot everything but it’s really, really Not Him???

Interrogation of JGY’s spotty memory leads to deduction of what scrolls of WWX’s MXY learnt—body sacrifice and summoning

The cure is demonic energy + confessing your sins and being happy you fucks

And then like the one scene I actually had in mind when I wrote this: WWX confused but yelling MXY is not my name!!! And LWJ, on the brink of forgetting everything, still says, “Wei Ying,” recognising him immediately despite everything. Much shock, so drama.

[miazeklos]

i have an idea for a jc ah but i’m so bad at writing fic and this would be the first one i’ve written in years.... any tips?

Hello there! I’m not sure how helpful I can be, but I can certainly try. For the writing itself... honestly, having an idea is a wonderful place to start. This is an old advice, but it’s tried and true - your first draft doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be there. Try writing your idea down and see where it takes you. Even if you just have a specific scene in your mind, write that down or - if it’s the entire fic you have planned in your head - outline it! It can sometimes be helpful to have a few basic plot points written down and then you can try thinking of the story as a project where you need to get from A to B. When you have the mechanics down, it’s sometimes easier not to worry about the writing itself, if that makes sense.

Speaking of worrying about quality, another tip would be: don’t look back. Just lay the story out on the paper/keyboard and don’t cut things, reread certain parts constantly, or go back to fix supposed mistakes while you’re still in the process of writing (the only exception here is the sort of thing that’s crucial to the story and that you absolutely need to fix right now). Write it, finish it and let it rest for a few hours/days/however long you think you might need, and then go back to reread it with fresh eyes and do all the editing you might need. Writing is a learnt skill and it’s also something that needs exercise - the more you write, the easier it’ll feel and though it might seem bad to you, that’s definitely not how it’s going to look to everyone else. We’re all our worst critics, usually, and chances are, if you give it some time, it’s going to read as perfectly fine to you too. 

Again, this is all basic stuff, but it can be really helpful - getting started when you think it’s no good is the most daring thing, I know, so the best thing you can do is write it anyway, one word after the other, and see where it takes you.

As for characterisation, since you specified the ship, the only advice I really have here is to just run the dialogue and actions through your mind as you write if you worry about making the characters do something OOC. This would be especially easy with the show version since you have an actual visual for that, but it can definitely work with the books too if you’re familiar with the material.

Best of luck, Anon! I’d definitely love to see what you end up with. ^^

[john-cardoza]

The Prom 7/23/19

idk what this is read it if you want

Seats we like back mezzanine right in the middle

The longacer is so like small and intimate, it felt like the actors were like right there

The overture is so good you go orchestra

Changing lives is such a good opening number cause it just pulls you in right away

“What didn’t they like? the hiphop?” “Well yes but that’s not it”

After Barry gets dragged in the press Dee Dee’s like ‘well that’s not that bad’

Trent is known from being in a sitcom instead of a hair commercial

He also just quotes complicated shit a lot

Angie says that they should abolish the electoral collage and Dee Dee raises her hand and says “As an exercise lets pretend that we don’t know what that is”

“What’s trending?” “Trump” “uuh” “Trump” “uuh” “Trump” “uuh” “Trump” “UUGH”

When they do the les mis line angie is waving a white towel behind her head

I have said this before but CAITLIN KINNUNEN I LOVE YOU

Emma is a mood

Alyssa has sass and I love her too

nick/hockey stick it’s true love

goddammit emma says the gay white rosa parks line kill me

“At least you aren’t on meth; I talked to the other principal, all he deals with is meth”

mrs. greene fuck you

“WILL THERE BE HOMOSEXUALS AT THIS PROM” dude chill

Alyssa is on the student council (get it babe) and Hawkins asks what she thinks, but Mrs. Greene interrupted her

“i’m as gay as a bucket of wigs” is a great line that we should appreciate more

Barry’s dancing is.. interesting

The girl who dee dee thinks is Emma looks traumatized for the rest of the scene

beth just went for it in its not about me we love an icon

why did people cheer on the straight people like broadway line, go away

I could write essays about izzy’s alyssa

she’s so scared I just want to hug her

the godspell costumes are worse than they were in atlanta

seriously

the acceptance song is just so bad

they all play kazoos

instead of the black sheep BARRY wears a shirt that says I’m a lesbian when everyone else has the we’re all lesbians shirts

#FirstWeKillTrentThenWeLeave

I’m so glad Emma still canonly drives a pickup

Barry let her wear the vintage tux

It’s really clear that finding out that Emma’s parents kicked her out is one of the first things where Dee dee is actually like “This is wrong”

The background to you happened is that because the prom is back on literally every single couple is doing promposals on the same day

behind them when emma and alyssa are singing you can see the other ensemble members all doing promposals in different ways

Kaylee and Shelby see Emma and Alyssa during you happened and figure out that they are together which is why they don’t tell Alyssa about the fake prom

when Mr. Hawkins hears Dee dee’s Eleanor he asks if she’s choking

Michael Genet was really good, his voice was super nice and low in we look to you

I’m pretty sure Emma was wearing the same medical bracelet as the tonys!

Barry never came out in high school which is why he didn’t go to prom

Alyssa tries to come out to Mrs. Greene during tbty but Mrs. Greene interrupts her

okay the tonight belongs to you reprise is HEARTBREAKING

Alyssa and Emma are standing back to back in the middle of the stage while Emma talks to Mr. Hawkins and Alyssa talks to her mom

The lighting is purple on alyssa’s side and blue on Emma’s

Mr. Hawkins and Mrs. Greene are standing in the same place on the different sides and they each explain taking turns talking

ex. 

Hawkins: “The courts told them they had to hold an inclusive prom”

Mrs. Greene: “Everything’s fine we did what we were required to do”

and so on

Alyssa and Emma say oh my god at the same time in the same voice and my heart SHATTERS

Then Alyssa has to face Shelby and Kaylee who tell her they know and are like “We’re doing what’s best for you”

The tbty music picks up after Emma sings her verse and picks up the phone

Alyssa is just so scared someone hug her

someone hug Emma too

Dee dee just wants to go home

Every fucking stop on Trents tour is cancelled

“Seek out the young people; talk to them, converse... rap”

the lady’s improving was phenomenal like holy shit just overall beth leavel was AMAZING she was all in

the entire 7/11 scene is just pure gold trent has obviously never actually interacted with a teenager

Trent has been jc in three different things

or as he says “I’ve been crucified three times (twelve if you count the reviews”

alyssa greene almost made me cry

I don’t know what I can say about it other than give Izzy a tony

Emma has so much faith in people, protect her, but also it’s unrealistic teenagers don’t have faith in people anymore (fact checked by me a teenage lesbian)

When brooks sings barry is going to prom he’s just alone in the motel room

and he uses it

he twirls and runs back and forth and leans dramatically against the door

unruly heart basically made me cry

the ensemble in the pajamas? I love all of them?

There is another reprise of changing lives the cast recording lied to you

Alyssa tries to come out again after the video but Mrs. Greene interrupts her again and tells alyssa it’s not actually her and the only reason she is thinking those thoughts is because of whats happening

Trent has such a nice relationship with his new students

I don’t know what to say about the end because its just so good mrs. greene realizing she doesn’t speak for the community? alyssa declaring her love? Trent telling his “class” to settle down? Barry telling mrs greene that she's going to lose her daughter because he knows? mrs. Greene telling alyssa that she just doesn’t want alyssa to have a hard life? Alyssa realizing that coming out feels good when she does it on her own terms? barry hitting on that random parent? dee dee telling barry not to let her destroy hawkins? the weird suit like leotard with stars or something on it that one of the background lesbians wears? the kiss? all perfect

I stagedoored! I met 10 ensemble members, Michael Genet, Brooks ashmanskas, and Izzy mccalla

[absentcaryatid]

Jongho’s Beloved

An ATEEZ fanfic by AbsentCaryatid

Takes place in JC World after A Very Queer Relationship

Jongho and the reader figure out what their queerplatonic relationship will look like to satisfy their needs as asexuals and his aromanticism. Settling into some domestic routines, there is negotiation and some coziness.

3.6K words, teen rating. Content note: aromantic and asexual Jongho in a queerplatonic relationship relationship with asexual and agender she/her reader and married to Mingi, sex is referenced, discussion of heartbreak and having children

~

Your budding relationship with Jongho seemed to be going well. It helped you did not see working from a checklist negotiating your needs as too clinical an introduction to each other as a partner. “Next, facials.” Jongho wanted to know, “That something I could do to you?”

“I can picture that and think I would like to. Never tried one before but my guess is I would be comfortable with facials, I’d let you do that with me.” You heard Mingi gasp then try to stifle a laugh from the other room.

“The texture would not cause sensory issues for you?”

“Cleansers should be fine, but thick creams and cold things are a no go for me.”

“Okay, let me write that note by the spa type activities section.”

Again you overhead your husband in the dining room as he finally understood what you were talking about. “Oh! That kind.”

You and Jongho got a fit of the giggles at what Mingi had been thinking was under discussion. When everyone had recovered you continued with, “Nail painting? I would do yours if you like.”

Jongho shook his head immediately. “Not my style, Hongjoong has offered many times.”

“Me neither, too distracting to my eyes and sensory stuff again, the one time I tried I constantly felt it on my fingers.” You shuddered.

“If you were comfortable with it, I know I would enjoy brushing and braiding your hair. The time I got to style a manager’s hair taught me I like social grooming as a bonding activity.”

“I would love that, Mingi and I have a brushing routine every night and it helps relax me for sleep. Yunho was the one to help me style my hair sometimes and I really miss that.” You sighed at the happy memories of closeness with your former lover now lost to you. “Would you like attention to your head too? Combing or massages?”

“There is so much going on around my head for work that it is not something I would seek more of. I do enjoy the hand and arm massages from the manicurists though and would welcome more of that touch.”

You wrote that down on your worksheet. “I think this is a really good 'get to know you better' exercise although we’ve been dear friends for so long.”

Jongho agreed. “It’s helping me get to know myself too in ways I never thought about before, partly because our queerplatonic partnership is my first relationship beyond family or friendship despite all my dates.”

You nodded. “Mingi and I have been going over the list together as well and it’s been useful to find new things out about each other even though we’ve been married for years. We have found he likes to apply makeup on me and he is good at it. It does not stay on long because I like looking like myself but I found I enjoy the process and so does he.”

A pleased look crossed Jongho’s face. “Could that be something between us as well? It does not have to be though, I don’t want to encroach on his turf.”

That had you laughing while rolling your eyes. “Jongho, please. You say that like he owns me.”

He quickly put his hands up. “I don’t mean it like that at all,” he gasped. “I just want to make sure Mingi knows I am not trying to take you away from him.”

“My husband understands completely. Given his comfort with polyamory and the joy our relationship with Yunho brought us I can say with confidence that any intimacy with you is appreciated. He has seen me blossom again for the first time since the break up. And I noticed the time you have spent with him fishing and in other activities has given him the same comfort. You have been a true friend and more to both of us and our lives are so much better for it.”

“Ever since we were roommates in the dorm he has been a brother to me. Even annoying me like one sometimes….”

“I heard that,” was laughingly contributed from the adjoining room. “You can get back to the praise instead.”

Jongho smiled at Mingi’s request. “…but still there’s a very familial feeling between us. It feels good to know I have been of use all the while enjoying our time together myself.”

You let your head rest on his shoulder enjoying the closeness he was comfortable with now that you were in a relationship. For so many years you had thought Jongho was not interested in physical affection but it turned out he preferred it in established relationships only. The decision to label your companionship a queerplatonic relationship and give it the same importance in your life as your romantic one with Mingi opened up many new kinds of interactions with Jongho and you both were enjoying the change.

It had even led to his first trip to the hot springs when for years he had always declined, even when you promised to wear swimsuits instead of the usual platonic nudity among friends San and the others were completely comfortable with.

The best way you had come to describe the relationship between you was friends with benefits, extra ones really, for all friendships already have benefits. Yours were not sex like most people were accustomed to thinking with that phrase, but non-romantic emotional closeness. Physical closeness was present too. And in a justification of your assessment long ago, even sex was not off the table as a possibility. Back before dating Mingi, you and Yunho had mused about who you might have sex with just for the experience, something you’d never intended to attempt but both Yunho and Jongho had been strong contenders if you had actually wanted to try.

By the time you were girlfriend to both Mingi and later Yunho the two of them had apparently talked between themselves recognizing that Mingi was so excitable he would not be the best choice to share a slow paced first time. You had never taken Yunho up on his offer and now he was out of the picture but the discussions with Jongho made you realize as both asexuals neither seeking nor put off by sex that might make an ideal combination for experimentation without either side expecting any emotional connection from the activity.

Knowing you could not get excited about sex, you had never wanted to inflict your likely flat-affect reaction on Yunho when it was such an expression of love between himself and Mingi or his previous partners. Jongho was ideal for the more detached scientific inquiry you might seek without putting yourself under pressure to perform pleasure, but that was something possibly in the future. Neither of you were interested in attempting sex at this point.

On the off chance you ever changed your mind, you had cleared sexual activity with Jongho by Mingi in advance. You were polyamorous and both kept the other informed about any new partners and had granted the right of refusal if for whatever reason either of you felt it would harm your own bond. Mingi knew your body belonged to yourself alone and he had no objections as well as wholeheartedly endorsing your choice of Jongho.

In fact, it could only be to your husband’s advantage if you gained experience with someone so gentle and perhaps took an interest in later trying the same with him. “I have only the same request you made of me when Annie and I were discussing sex on our healing vacation,” Mingi announced. “Condoms of either sort are a must.” So, with the only stipulation being that you would be certain to use STI protection in the form of internal or external condoms, which you would have chosen anyway for another layer of birth control, he was very encouraging.

Far later in life you would learn sex amounted to an internal way of giving hugs but that was the only draw as far as you were concerned. Surprisingly, it had not been awkward at all for you and Jongho on the single occasion. While there might be something to be said for getting better with practice, once was enough for both of you to provide the information you needed. You had laughed together afterward for quite some time. There were many other ways to enjoy closeness with a partner so you were glad you had discovered another new thing about yourself but would probably leave it at that. There were far more interesting things to learn about each other, many of them emotional.

One of those occasions was when Jongho blurted out a moment of self-doubt on a visit, “Sometimes I am not sure what you see in me compared to the others.”

You whipped your head up from your reading as you sat on the couch. “You can’t say that about my ‘QP!’ I have not done a good job of telling you and making you feel valued for your traits.”

He frowned in confusion. “Wait, you called me Kewpie like the Japanese mayonnaise?”

“No, Q.P., queerplatonic partner,” was your explanation.

“Please, no, that kind of cutesy stuff doesn’t work for me. I have to deal with enough of that on the job.”

You laughed in agreement. “You are a good enough actor to make it look like actual enjoyment in ATEEZ footage, but knowing you better, I can tell that it is not your style. Of course, I’m not attached to ‘QP’ anyway but I thought I’d test it out even though it really isn’t a draw for me either, just like I am happily a plain agender person rather than enby.”

“So you don’t mind that I am a bit of a young curmudgeon?”

“No, and it makes a nice counterpoint to Sunbeam.”

Jongho chuckled, “Does Mingi know you call him that and is there a nickname for me too?”

“He has gotten used to endearments with every combination of sun- flower, shine, light, beam. Even Sunchoke sometimes because they are one of my favorite foods. You have never seemed like the kind of person that would enjoy an endearment based on a vegetable though.”

He held his hands up emphatically. “Good call,” he agreed with a bemused expression.

“You do add such a significant proportion of joy to my life, Jongho. All my loving relationships have been like an everything bagel to me. Each flavor adds something different and would be noticed if absent from the blend. What you bring is a quieter nurturing than the demonstrative love of romantic partners. I have enjoyed seeing the way every member can go to you as a brother for support and advice and you do the same for me.”

After a pause to think you admitted, “In many ways your name itself encompasses that concept of someone to lean on so I haven’t needed to come up with a nickname. They often just spill out of me with no forethought anyway.” Again you took a moment to collect your thoughts. “Actually, I cannot recall you using a pet name with me either. When it comes to you, the affection in your voice carries the endearment without needing a different label for me than my own name. It just feels different when you say it than anyone else in the world and that warmth is all I need.”

Watching him swell with pride at your compliment, you added, “You are an irreplaceable part of my life.” You put your hand on his as he sat in the easy chair at your side. “Still, for yourself, would you like one, Jongho?”

“Let me think about it. I am not sure if that strays too much into a romantic feeling for my taste.”

“I do call my brother names all the time so it doesn’t have to be an indicator of romantic love but recognizing emotional closeness instead. I can come up with some examples if it would help you decide.”

“I’d like that,” he said. “Just no 'Honey Bunny' kind of smarminess, okay?”

“Definitely. We can agree on that.”

In daily texts and occasional visits including sleepovers at your place you tried out a few endearments and nothing got his interest. Testing out a few names in return he surprised himself to enjoy calling you beloved, which was funny coming from a man who only used “love” itself when speaking of ATINY. It was less surprising how quickly you took to the term. Mingi tended to say “love” as a name and was happy to reserve the longer form for Jongho’s use alone. While it was often used in a romantic sense by others, Jongho agreed with you that it was a label for family as well, although he wasn’t planning on calling his honorary brother Mingi beloved anytime soon.

Other things were easier to negotiate and Jongho understood your need to see him as himself as much as possible rather than as an idol just off the stage. “I know it comes with the territory, but could you warn me before I see you with a new look? I have never been good with change and a selfie would help give me time to get used to something new so I can be positive about it in person. It is similar to my request for no colored contacts when you visit. As much as possible, I like you to look like the man I care about so much.”

“Of course, how could I object to that?” You rarely asked for anything from him so accommodating this simple issue he had no strong feelings about either way was an easy choice.

In turn you made sure to respect Jongho’s limits. Discussion of your relationship preferences made talk about other aspects of your life come naturally. One day recently while over at the ATEEZ dorm you had moved to stroke his shoulder and he uncharacteristically held your hand back rather than relaxing and leaning into the action. “Please, no. I can’t take any more touch today after so much on set.” You immediately drew back. “I am sorry,” he regretfully offered.

“You are allowed to have boundaries. Whenever I have had sensory issues you have accepted my needs without complaint and I owe you the same. It has been a surprise you let me touch you as often as I get to. When your jobs demand you to be available at all times for quick fixes on wardrobe, makeup, and hair I think it’s important for you to have control over people approaching you in your personal life, even me.”

“I feel bad to ask it of you.” He held his head downward as if frustrated to have very human feelings at odds with your desire.

“Oh, Jongho, I would feel worse if you didn’t tell me I was pushing your limits. Should I cook something for you instead?”

“You are sweet to ask but I will be fine after some time alone.” He returned his attention to his phone and put on some music from his jazz collection. Music was one of the rare ways you were not always compatible. Just like your other partners, there were a few areas of mismatch. Jongho liked to listen to sometimes over-enthusiastic jazz while reading. It reminded you of the switch at 4 o’clock at your favorite cafe where the music became more intrusive to drive out the people treating it as an office space with a single coffee purchase and make room for the dinner crowd. You did not understand how Jongho could read and retain information with that background but as long as he was happy, you were too, just in another room. He too had his limits and they included your beloved Caramelldansen and Hampsterdance.

“Of course. Find me if you need anything, I’ll probably be with the other guys before Mingi and I head home. We will come say goodbye when it is time.”

Over the next week your mulled over ways to improve working conditions for the team. When you brought it up with the present members of ATEEZ they agreed it would be too much to have to consent each time touching was needed in the workplace. Most of the time they were indeed fine with getting prepared for the day followed by brief, random touchups. In the end they liked the idea for a hand gesture that warns “I’m reaching my limits, go sparingly” and two hands for a hard stop. Keeping the men comfortable was far more important than any reapplication of makeup or hair fix could ever be.

Just as you tended to their feelings, the relationship with Jongho gave you another person looking out for your own wellbeing, much to your benefit. When you had just gotten together, the two of you had been explaining queerplatonic relationships to Mingi in a group chat while he was away at your vacation house on Jeju Island.

Jongho: It is named because it is a queering of what a relationship can be and any orientation can fit under that umbrella. The queerplatonic label marks it out as a central relationship in your life but not one of the traditionally expected ones.

Mingi: So it is about a strong attachment. I bet all through time there have been people who have meant this to each other and it went unrecognized.

Jongho: True. Only the term is new. It is a ‘mix and match’ approach blending friendship and romantic elements with nothing assumed to be a must to make it a real relationship. I know one aromantic lesbian couple who do have sex and decided to live together and have kids jointly. There are so many combinations of activities, nothing in particular would disqualify it as queerplatonic relationship. Like I said, some people even have sex or raise kids together.

You bolted up from the crook of his arm where you had been nestled comfortably while on the couch together as he typed and turned back to Jongho. “Children?”

Understanding where your mind went, he reassured that he did not want children, that was certainly not something he was looking for from you or anyone else. He saw how much pain you were still in over the loss of the romantic relationship with Yunho due to the issue and it helped him understand your initial reticence to become involved with someone again, even if it was not romantic in nature.

Very cautiously he brought up an issue he needed to discuss. “I know you have been seeing a therapist for your broken heart.” You nodded, wondering what Jongho leading to and listened intently. “My grandmother used to say, 'A pain stays where it is loved.' It is about what feelings are fed and grow.” He placed his hand on yours. “If this is overstepping my role as a close friend please stop me.”

“No, I have always benefited from your counsel. I am okay with hearing whatever you want to say, and you might be the best person to hear it from,” you conceded.

“Every one of us has to deal with heartbreak in various forms. You know my losses have not been romantic but you will recall my grandfather died right before we had to record the Deja Vu video.” Seeing your often stoic partner wipe away a tear was a stark reminder of his point that experiencing pain did not uniquely fall on yourself and you put a hand on his in comfort. “I cared about him so much and I could spend a lifetime mourning if I let myself. But that is not how he would have wanted me to spend the rest of my time on earth.”

“It is true I wallow,” you admitted with a sniffle as he wrapped his arms around you securely.

Jongho dabbed your face and asked, “Does your therapist have any advice how your friends can help you redirect your thoughts when you get into that rut?”

You smiled at him warmly. “Building new relationships to focus on instead was one of the goals I am working on.” Pulling his arm back around you, you snuggled back into his warm embrace. “I dwell on the loss less often than I used to, and there is a lot time may heal though I have trouble believing that myself most days. Just as you said about your grandfather though, Yunho would not want me to be stuck grieving for our romantic relationship.”

He nodded softly in agreement. “I am glad I can help. Caring for you as I do, it hurts me to see you in pain.” Jongho placed a soothing hand on your thigh. “Series or movie tonight?” Feeling weary, you let him know you were going to bed early. “I’ll join you in time then,” he promised. It had been a surprise to you both how much Jongho enjoyed the closeness of being snuggled all night on his visits. That wasn’t something you had expected when negotiating the boundaries of your queerplatonic relationship, but had come as a delightful discovery.

“Goodnight, Jongho,” you offered as you pried yourself from his arms and headed for the spare room that was now yours due to developing a snore that kept Mingi awake. Luckily for you, Jongho was a heavier sleeper.

“Sleep well, beloved.” His cheeks lightly flushed as he was still getting used to the joyful term, but the look suited Jongho.

~

On to Mingi Serves His Country

Jongho Masterlist

General Masterlist

[writinglyra]

@my-writblr here! 3 and 22 and A for the character ask game!!

Thanks @my-writblr. I'll be answering these for JC from Project Pulsar because I've been thinking about him a lot recently.

3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

JC's daily routine varies a lot depending on where he is and how many jobs he's taken or not, so there's not much he manages to do every day before bed. In general, though, once all his work duties are done he likes to take it easy and listen to music or watch old Earth movies. Before bed is also usually when he gets the most nostalgic for his time on Earth, looking over old pictures and whatever knick-knacks he's managed to hang onto since he left.

22. How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

JC doesn't get jealous often. Apathy is both his greatest virtue and vice. When he does get jealous, which usually only happens when he's confronted with someone who's handled their life in a way he wished he handled his, he usually winds up being a major asshole to whoever he's envious of. He tries to convince himself that they're the wrong one and that he knows better than everyone else.

A) Why are you excited about this character?

JC is a fun character for a lot of reasons. Of course, there's the stuff I put in basically all my projects: the tragic backstory, the bad coping techniques, the found family dynamics. But one of m favorite things about him is his morality. I have a lot of morally grey characters, don't get me wrong, but I feel like JC is unique in the way that he's morally grey. He isn't torn between two ideologies or a good person forced to do bad things; he's just apathetic about pretty much everything. He might have a vague inclination to do good things rather than bad, but he's been so jaded by his experiences that he's willing to push his own morals aside with very little prompting. He feels like his life is so insignificant that basically nothing he does will matter and so he does whatever he has to in order to keep living another day, half-heartedly hoping for something of consequence to happen in his life.

Obviously, he's far from a healthy character, but his interesting perspective is really fun to write about. Basically, his whole story is just an exercise in throwing ideologies and experiences at him and seeing what sticks and wakes him up. He's certainly stubborn, but I think after it all I might finally get through to him.

[thegptutorblog]

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[parabolicadventures]

2020

year of covid

ns - ord-ed in feb, was a bittersweet farewell at safra jurong where they made me chug a whole mug of beer geez

greece - absolutely loved this. felt super blessed/privileged to experience a different way of life. plus the travelling vibes were really something else - i just felt so carefree walking down the pretty streets. only regret was not spending more time in athens :-(

flash - really slow start with nothin much to do cos covid and all and i was struggling to stay awake HAHA. at least i picked up some useful stuff here and there plus the boss was so knowledgeable about so many things. also the ppl were super fun and nice!!!! plus decent money too

circuit breaker - q shook a legit lockdown happened and seeing it all around the world too. staying home practically the entire time, doing housework, working out almost every other day (i actually gained 4kg not sure if muscle of food tho) was p bored tho trying to be productive... i even tried to learn python lmaoooo

orientation - was hella awkward online, to make it worse my social skills probably regressed from reasons all too familiar. made a grand total of zero friends geez

got notified about the scholarship when sch already started and i already lost all hope so i was super thrilled

archi - the learning/teaching is so different from the usual sch and i love it. but the work can get super crazy at times where everything else is drowned out by all the deliverables. still struggling with the design aspect as well as with presentations... but i know i’ll get there

usp - residential life is another highlight - the convenience + freedom is great - sometimes i note how surreal it feels that i’m actually studying philo. but still having mad doubts cos the workload & deadlines was intense with archi man i was q stressed during crunch time.... really need to learn how to write essays faster if not i cfm cannot balance one but made my first friends here!

grades were kinda expected so i’m not too disappointed, but really need to pay more attention to my health/social life lmao lost 5kg, barely exercised, didn’t join any ccas at all.. picking up sos dinner, prods and icg sports next sem + thinking of joining more committee bs and feeling compelled to start volunteering again but looking at how i handled my first sem its gonna be hard man

didn’t feel like i’ve grown much tbh... developed mostly hard skills like writing, drawing & softwares i guess. as a person i actually feel like i’ve regressed? more inward looking unfortunately. yet when i compare myself to that that jc kid i’ve changed for better (more perspective, manage stress better) & worse (less bubbly, more withdrawn)

others - turned 21, friends turned 21 so had some great celebs and catchups, finally passed driving but tbh still not really digging it cos i lack the confidence (also i almost crashed into fking parked motorcycle lmao wtf), bought my first big ticket item (laptop) with no regrets, starting investing (only with robos tho), jaded-ness in life still remains, i find myself increasingly judgmental + disagreeing with parents + sometimes it feels so suffocating to be at home (hint hint, tb to ns & my love for staying in). 

also still haven’t gotten over her wtf

[randrvstheworld]

From Rio to Guaratiba & my first Brazilian Christmas

Since my last post we have changed location - we are now in Barra de Guaratiba, essentially a tropical paradise of gorgeous beaches & jungle & glorious, continual sunshine & tiny monkeys. However more of Rio was explored before our departure, starting with the Casa de Escala: a very long set of steps decorated with lots of tiles & mosaics by a Brazilian artist called Selaron. As a massive fan of colour, tiles & repeating patterns this was literally my stairway to heaven. A riot of bright hues & a total mish-mash of tiles sourced from around the world, decorated with anything & everything from floral motifs to renderings of the places they were from; images from old film posters, famous faces, inspirational quotes, sheet music, you name it. It was so beautiful & fun & after we made it to the stop (via lots of shameless hipster-y photos & messing around on the tiled slides & climb-able bits at the edges of the stairway) we sat in the sun & drank coconuts & listened to someone playing wonderful latino guitar music. 

In what continued to be another Art Day we then went & spent a blissful hour at Rio’s modern art museum, which was for me a peaceful opportunity to sit, uninterrupted, & draw a very interesting brass Mark Bill sculpture. I just love art galleries; they are such calming spaces, always cool & quiet & great places for a good bit of quiet time drawing, plenty of inspiration. As I have not been feeling quite myself of late it was a really nice time to restore some calm & just immerse myself in my sketchbook quietly. It definitely helped.

After the gallery we headed to the top Rio tourist spot: Christ the Redeemer. The Big Guy. The Head Honcho. The main event. This involved a walk through a very pleasant, floral neighbourhood before boarding a little funicular train up the mountain upon which JC is perched. Blimey. It’s a high mountain, let me tell you. And none of this gradual incline nonsense; this mofo is STEEP. Literally like an arrowhead. The mountains here are crazy, I’ve never seen anything like them. They barely look like real mountains. But up we went, through the jungle on the little train, leaving Rio behind as we went up & up. I was frightened at the top. The whole of the city was spread out below us, so far down. It was officially the highest thing I have ever gone up. You can see for miles & miles. And then of course there’s JC himself. He’s intimidatingly tall. But oddly peaceful; there’s something in his stature & expression that feels calming. We wished him an early happy birthday & took in the frankly breathtaking views & larked about taking pictures (& oddly, starred in quite a lot of photos with a bunch of Asian tourists at their request). And then down we went, planning some fun for our final morning before we left the Big City.

This involved taking a guided tour of the Santa Marta favela; probably the most famous favela in Rio as it provided the setting for Michael Jackson’s ‘They don’t really care about us’ music video. The favela is huge, home to over 300,000 people, like a city within a city. We took the lift to the top & then walked down; our tour guide stopping to point out the first church, Michael Jackson square, & making time for some of our group to play football with some local kids. The favela is like houses on top of house on top of houses set into the hillside. The best views over Rio & the only place in the city where you can see Jesus looking down on you from the front. It’s difficult for me to find the right language to describe our experience here. I loved it, but is it patronising to describe it as humbling? But in a sense of course, it was. It certainly reminded me of my privilege to see how people live there. But is it insulting to assume that the residents there are less fortunate than myself? Less happy? Perhaps they are not. We all just live how we live & make the best of it. The people there were simply people; polite, friendly, welcoming, going about their business like you or I, taking care of their homes, kids playing in the street: just human. Very interesting & for me a real highlight. One of my main desires for this trip was to see how different people live around the world, experience different cultures & get some insight into humanity I guess. If anything it is excursions like this that make me realise that while we are all different, we are also all similar. Just people.

Unfortunately despite all these wonderful experiences - & they truly were wonderful - my time in Rio was somewhat blighted by a real cacophony of negative thoughts I was unable to shake. Feeling depressed is like a black cloud that settles over you & casts a shadow over everything you try & achieve. You can’t escape it, you just have to wait it out, which is horrible when you are trying valiantly to make the most of the travel opportunity of a lifetime. But what can you do? Try & appreciate as much as you can. Hannah got me started on something that I’m called the Positivity Project, where I make a list each day of ten things I am grateful for. Sometimes it can feel like everything is wrong but this is really helping me to see that even something that may seem trivial & meaningless to other people - or to yourself at less trying times - like eating a good, nourishing breakfast is in fact something, even a small something, that you can be positive about. In any case I feel it’s a small step in the right direction, to adjusting my ways of thinking, to helping me see good things when the dark cloud has taken residence.

After the tour we packed our things & headed off to where we are now: the Banana Leaf Eco Hostel in Guaratiba. This has been the best-timed change of location of all. We are surrounded by lush greenery, a beach just ten minutes away, a beautiful & comfortable hostel with a very welcoming host & his sweet daughter who have gone out of their way to make us feel so at home. On our first morning our breakfast was interrupted by a gaggle of marmosets who came to join us on the terrace & ate bits of banana out of our hands, which for me was truly magical. I have tried to restore a little routine into each day; making time for exercise, healthy food & art, interspersed with plenty of sunbathing & swimming in the pool, trying to rest & just trying to get myself right. It is working. I am feeling positive & grateful again. We celebrated Christmas here the Brazilian way: an epic feast at midnight on Christmas eve, surrounded by lots of local friends of Mark & Luna’s. We wore party hats & ate until late, roast things & local dishes, everything you could think of. 

Today however, was Christmas morning - as a South African, Mark also traditionally celebrates Christmas on the 25th so fully understood our excitement at breakfast as we ate fresh fruit & exchanged gifts. From Hannah: a bag of useful travel goodies including bite cream, facewipes, painkillers, plasters, & two ginormous bars of Galaxy chocolate & a package of English Breakfast tea. From Roxy: a tiny Nutcracker trinket box, purchased in Rio, as she knows that’s my favourite ballet & I’ve been listening to the music on repeat as I do every Christmas because it’s so delightful. I gifted them some fluffy alpaca socks & a painting respectively. I spoke to my brother & my mum & discussed my plans to go home, which made me really happy. We ate more delicious food & sunbathed & swam in the beautiful turquoise ocean in the late afternoon sun. It’s been my first ever Christmas away from my home & family & although inevitably that did make me a little emotional there are certainly worse ways I could have spent it. I’m now lying on a comfy sofa, writing this in the warm, listening to the sound of light jungle rain tap-tapping away outside. I can feel the dark cloud drifting away & I am feeling glad about lots of things. It’s been a lovely way to spend the holiday. 

[thegptutorblog]

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