#My brain just automatically tries to analyse everything all the time

[amethystina]

I love to see when you post and I get great drama recommendations from you. I recently watched Black Knight and the Ying-Yang Master thanks to your posts and loved them!

I find C-Dramas often give the best dynamics between male characters for BLs because there's so much chemistry and great dynamics even after censorship. It also means that the stories are often better and, for me at least, more interesting, as they often can't just explore the relationship between the characters and instead frame it with the plot. I'm not sure whether you've seen it yet or heard about it, but the new show 'The Spirealm' is great! I wanted to recommend it to you after all the shows you've spoken of. There are so many interesting aspects and details that you can find even after multiple watches that I think you'd enjoy.

I'm so happy to hear that! I'm somewhat famous amongst my friends for pushing recommendations onto them, or at least ranting about the things I've watched in painful detail. My poor wife definitely gets the shortest end of that stick, since she sees me pretty much every day. So she's had to listen to me talk about a lot of dramas and movies she's got absolutely no interest in x'D

She really liked The Yin-Yang Master, though! So it's not all bad. Man, I love that movie so, so much.

While it's terrible that CDramas have to be censored the way they are, I agree that it pushes the creators to explore relationships in a very interesting way. They have to build it into the story in a way that more straightforward BLs can just skip, because they can rely on the physical chemistry to convey the budding relationship.

That said, I admit that CDramas often feel a bit... stilted to me? They're too perfectly choreographed, never a hair or detail out of place, to the point where the characters don't always feel like people to me. Like, they're so obviously characters, not real people, if that makes sense?

That's not to say that I don't enjoy them! Heck, The Untamed is still one of the best dramas I've ever watched, Guardian is one of my favourite dumpster fires, and The Yin-Yang Master movie is one of my go-to's when I need something to completely immerse myself into. But, on the whole, they don't intrigue me the way other dramas or movies might, since they're always so polished. Which means I can't connect with them on the same level as I do with many other pieces of media. I can definitely appreciate the plot, story, characters, aesthetics and so on, but it rarely goes deeper than the surface level. It kind of feels like they're keeping me at arm's length, somehow?

But that's definitely a me problem, since I think it has to do with that thing of mine where I want to analyse every tiny detail. And it's not as fun in CDramas because they make it so obvious that every detail is there for a reason. I mean, it always is in all shows and movies — everything on set is knowingly placed there — but the CDramas don't try to hide it? They even go out of their way to make everything as flawless as possible if they can. And something flawless isn't fun for me to analyse. Like, I can tell that they're putting on a show and that just makes me less interested in trying to find the secrets behind it, I guess?

But, again, that doesn't mean I don't enjoy them! I often do, especially for the aesthetics and the sweeping, dramatic plotlines. But it tends to end up being pretty shallow in my case, since they rarely give me enough to really sink my teeth into. Like, I don't think it's a coincidence that the CDrama I've been the closest to writing fanfics for (Guardian) is also one of the messiest, production wise. I like it when things feel more relaxed and real. Not gritty or anything, just... real.

Anyhow! The Spirealm looks interesting so I'll definitely put it on my list of things to watch! Thank you for the recommendation! :D

And I hope I'll be able to spread even more joy in the future!

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Can you make headcanon with Demons Brothers ( Obey me ) who finds out about reader was abused ? Sorry for my english, it's not my first languague.

Well, I don’t know what’s like to be physically abused by your family, but I’ve been through my fair share of abuse in a relationship, so I can understand where you come from here.

For anyone who sees this post and needs comfort after any kind of dark thing that happened to you, including abuse of any kind - Yes, even the types that happen in relationships - You get what I mean - I will write for that.

I had BNHA blogs who wrote comfort pieces for me and it helped to make me feel better, and if I can help anyone feel better with themselves after this like that, then I’m happy x

Also, I don’t write for so many characters in one post anymore, it’s honestly draining and I can’t bring myself to write like that anymore, so I will just write for Lucifer, Mammon and Satan x

- - - - -

Lucifer

Out of everyone, Lucifer is the only one who can keep his composure, albeit barely so.

He is a demon, he knows all humans sin, but unlike demons, humans are supposed to be both good and evil, so what the hell possessed those idiots to behave so terribly with a pure angel such as yourself?

He just couldn’t comprehend why the hell humans are capable of such atrocities, when not even demons behave this way.

Ahh, the anger he’s feeling, not even Satan, in his worst phase, could understand - It was a monumental, infinite, incomprehensible kind of rage that burnt his heart so badly.

Despite everything he was feeling as you told him everything that happened, he merely bit his lip to contain himself, and hugged you tightly, letting you cry in his arms, as he stroked your hair, knowing that it can calm down a human - Or at least some sort of sense of protection and warmth.

He would tell you how you were so incredibly brave for managing to tell someone about the horrible, while also, you are so strong for being able to live with this for so long, and bear with the consequences of abuse.

But you managed to break through, somehow, and you were amazing - In his eyes, you were the strongest human alive.

Lucifer knows how horrible emotional pain is, and he would much rather feel physical one, than the other type, because he knows he won’t break that way.

But seeing you so fragile, small and broken in his arms ultimately shattered his heart, and he swore to get revenge in the worst way possible on your abusers.

He knows revenge solves nothing, but at least he’ll get some satisfaction, and somehow, knowing that the people who did bad things to you are there no more, may make you feel just a bit safer.

Despite being one of the most sensible brothers, he will still search to do more and more human psychology research, and with your help and insight, will try to help you recover, even a tiny bit, and will be there every step of the way as you are healing, never letting go of your hand.

- - -

Mammon

Okay, lemme tell you straight -

While Mammon is the most in-touch with his emotional side, he will suffer the most hearing that you, his most beloved person alive, had to go through such terrible things in your life.

You were just a small, frail human, you barely lived, compared to him, so why did you have to go through such trauma?!

He would outright cry, like anime waterfalls, and would cling on you, rocking with you back and forth, but he wasn’t sure if he was trying to comfort you, or himself, at that point, since he was hurting so much.

His brain would stop for a little while, and he would remember all the shit he got from Maddi, and sometimes, even the bad things that he accepts from his brothers, as a way to keep them happy, but ultimately, he would manage to get to the point where he tries to find ways to ease your soul of your burdens and traumas.

He will be even clingier than before, will spoil you even more, will make sure NOBODY yells around you, does moves too abruptly to scare you off, and basically, will thread carefully every step of the way to prevent anything from being a potential trigger.

Will literally kill Asmo if he tries to hug you without consent, or if he tries to flirt or make advances towards you, and while he won’t say why, he’ll just throw Asmo away and drag you away, to a safer place - Unless you reassure him that his younger brother isn’t a trigger or a threat in your eyes.

Poor Mammon will be a bit paranoid and will go overboard with a lot of things, threating you like a frail snowdrop, and it isn’t until you tell him that you won’t break from little things like this, that he can afford to take it a bit easier than before.

But don’t forget that he will even yell and fight Lucifer if he dares get mad at you for whatever reason, or use his demon form or powers around you.

And the same goes for the Avatar of Wrath, or Gluttony, when he’s dangerously hungry.

Also, he will kill Belphie if he attempts to kill you.

- - -

Satan

Satan.exe stopped working.

I mean, how is he supposed to react anyway?

His most precious person tells him that they have been mistreat, and he’s supposed to stay...Calm?

That’s impossible.

He will literally get up and leave without a word, will leash out his rage in a place where you couldn’t possible go, and when he’s finally done, will return to you as if nothing happened, albeit, with the necessary apologies for leaving like that, and returning with a lot of sweets, comfort food, flowers and anything that he knows you love and would bring a smile on your face.

Despite how much he reads, he only knows things in theory, and needs your guidance to apply things practically because, as he knows very well, every person is different, and different things work for different people.

With you, and around you, he will be the calmest specimen possible known to this realm, and the others, because he knows his rage could be a horrible trigger for you, and the last thing he wants is for you to be afraid of him, or, Heaven forbid, cry because of his mistakes.

Satan will make sure to check on you at all times, either f2f or via texts, and when you’re going out somewhere, or just chilling together, he will hold your wrist.

He will say he thinks you have very cute and delicate hands, but really, he subtly checks for your pulse to see if you have any anxiety spikes or anything that would be proof that something is bothering you in any way, shape or form.

As everyone knows, Satan is very attentive about literally everything, and incredibly detail-oriented, so he will over-analyse anything and come up with his own conclusions, and once he’s used to understanding your behaviour, he will automatically go and solve anything in your place, and it will shock you, ‘cause he’s so on point?? How did he even guess??

He won’t treat you any differently, considering that he’s always been sweet and polite with you, but will definitely criticise his brothers or other strangers if they behave in a way that may be triggering...Or hell, maybe annoying, ‘cause it gives him a motive to get away from nuisances who won’t stop talking.

Apart from his inferiority complex, he never received any kind of abuse, so he isn’t familiar with the feeling, nor can he claim to fully comprehend or sympathise with what you’re going through, however, he understands logically, and knowing how much it hurts you even know, and how it still affects you long-term, he is aware that he is unable to let you brave this storm alone.

[bluewinnerangel]

Too Young lyric breakdown (and some more)

A while ago (IM SORRY ANON) I was asked to do an analysis of Louis' Too Young and this has been in my drafts for a while as I just couldn't find a way to be completely content with it, but I don't think I'll ever be for this one so maybe it's best to just let it roam free and share.

Generally I try not to make their songs about eachother automatically and solely based on Louis & Harry are together and this is about love so the only option is that this is about eachother and there's nothing else to consider. I just think that's too easy, loads of songs have romantic personifications of non-romantic subjects, songs can simply just not be autobiographical, etc.

That said, I would be having to do some brain twisterfries exercise to make Too Young about anything other than Louis and Harry being too young to know they had everything (I mean, I could make this about the band as a whole if I tried, but that's about it. And that's purely because I think that's what Niall did with This Town and So Long which has some great Too Young parallels, explained here). And I do feel like there are some things hinting at this, not so much with the lyrics itsself but with what he's said the song is about. So yes, I'm not gonna analyse this in a he's got a special someone when he was young kinda safe way, I'm sorry, this time there's no subtlety, there's just Harry. It was Harry. It is Harry. It was always Harry. Harryharryharry. Let's get into it:

~~putting in a cut because of course this is gonna be too long not to~~

(un?)fortunately this song isn't as deep and spiral-worthy as some of the other lyric analyses I've done (I'll link some below), but one thing that seperates Louis' songs from 1Ds/Harry's is that Louis has been abundantly clear what this song is about, and that's something really interesting to uh read into along with the lyrics:

I can remember that feeling of being 18 and meeting the person that you might spend the rest of your life with. We all made mistakes when we’re younger, and I just wanted to capture that idea of true honesty. Look, I wasn’t ready for that responsibility. And now I reflect, and I’m older, and I can look back with experience. I can see why that was wrong. But at the time, there’s a lot of 18-year-olds—especially 18-year-old lads—they’re not ready for that responsibility. I wanted to capture that.

— Louis for Apple Music

“Too Young" is about meeting ‘the one’ aged 18 and, like a lot of blokes that age, not being equipped for it, I found it hard to look that far ahead. I had to make a few mistakes and go down the wrong path to realise what I had and what I thought I’d lost.

— Louis for Crash Records

Quite a simple song really, again didn't need too much production, and conceptually, it's one- it's eh- I wrote it from the point of view of how much of responsibility you can have at a young age of potentionally meeting you know tHe GirL that you're gonna be spending the rest of your life with and that's a heavy responsibility you know for any age and especially you know trying to deal with that at 18 and understanding that and being mature enough to deal with that, ehm, so yeah kind of just conceptualize that and put it into the song, this was one of those sessions I would comfortably say this song took the longest, ehm, the song itself was written relatively quickly but some producers like to work very very meticulously you know what I mean this was one of those sessions I was definitely there all day but well worth it, decent tune.

— Louis on the Track by Track on his YT

There is so much to gain from the things he says, how he words things, and what's between the lines if you pay close enough attention. I do believe Louis has shown time and time again he's very sneaky and subtle with things, and although sometimes he's straight(pun intended) up lying, most of the times he's right there playing dumb in that fine line double entendre middleground of plausible deniability.

First see how he really really needs wants has to focus on mentioning "18" every time? Just sneaking it in every damn time? What's so important about 18? "He obviously just met the love of his life at 18 don't be silly he's not thinking about how people might interpret that" I mean yes he obviously did meet sOmEoNe at 18 but he clearly has a story ready here and "namedropping" 18 is a part of it. "18" isn't relevant to understanding the too young story, he could have said when he was just a little boy teen when they were young. He wants us to know about 18. So why is he doing this? Some things we can relate 18 to: We know he was 18 when he went on the X-factor, when everything started. We know he was 18 when he met Harry too. We know there's a song "18" that is a big ol' larry too (whenever I think "18" hear Harry yelling "16" somewhere in a little drawer in the corner of my brain) We know he wasn't publicly dating eleanor until he was 19, almost 20 too. But he's clever about it, he goes for "meet" and not "be together with" every time, he's carefully choosing his words here. It's not a fuck up, he's being smart. Plausible deniability at its finest.

Then in the first 2 quotes, he's clearly saying this is about him, that it's autobiographical. But then in the 3rd explanation he doesn't, he describes it as a concept. Now let the 3rd quote also be the only one where he drops a gender: "girl", and in the other two he doesn't. How Incredibly Unfortunate For Him That Is. But it gets worse. What he does do in the other two is mention dudes in plural. In both. Yes "but he just means that-" yes but sneaky. lil. shit. behavior. We're just too young lads chilling in a glass half empty 5 feet apart cuz blokes not gay. Just saying, just carefully look at what he does and doesn't say.

Anyway onto the lyrics:

We were too young to know we had everything

Too young, I wish I could've seen it all along

I’m sorry that I hurt you, darling, no, oh

We were too young

This speaks for itself, and the things that don't get clarified in the verses

I've been looking back a lot lately

Me and you is all I've ever known

Again this is pretty self-explanatory, "me and you is all I've ever known" is just really damn funny, like ok sure just let go of that public narrative, idk who douis(? was it douis?) is either, sure.

It’s hard to think you could ever hate me

Ok so whenever I can't place a line I like to go through their other songs and see if I can find some hint of intent that there's some kinda tying songs together going on. Here that's pretty hard to do because it's generic AF but still I'll try, literally all the "hate":

"You're a nightmare on the dance floor, And you hate me, and I want more" - Kill My Mind

"And I know you hate to smoke without me and, oh, Now you know, I'm wasting my time when it was always you" - Always You

"Wish I didn't need so much of you, I hate to say but I do" - Defenceless.

Also: Harry: "You've got my devotion, But man, I can hate you sometimes" - Fine Line (I think this is about the music industry but ok)

Also: One Direction: "You say, you say to everybody that you hate me" - Still The One (STILL THE ONE! STILL. THE. ONE!).

I mean maybe that last one but pff that didn't do much.

I've also seen the explanation that this is about their public images, that publicly it's speculated their friendship is ruined, that they "hate" eachother since they were basically ignoring eachother in public.

But everything's feeling different now

Then that makes sense too, that's not the case anymore since.. they're not seen in public anymore.

Oh, I can't believe I gave in to the pressure

When they said a love like this would never last

So I cut you off 'cause I didn't know no better

Now I realize, yeah, I realize

This is just heartbreaking. It's right there, there's no way around this. People pressured him, told him to give up on their love, to let go, not just that, a love like that. This is NOT about any openly celebrated heterosexual relationship. I'm really trying to write this without making it an angry closetingisbad spewing fire larrie kinda thing but what else am I supposed to do here? He lays it all out, he was pressured, told just give up because whatever you two have going on isn't gonna last so just save us all some stress and just give up, probably over and over again to the point where he started believing in it, or seeing no other option but to cave and cut him off.

Face to face at the kitchen table

... is he just dropping kitchens and tables because From The Dining Table and "kiss in the kitchen like it's a dancefloor / kids in the kitchen listen to dancehall" - Sunflower Vol 6? lol

EDIT: I don't know why I brushed over that that easily while knowing the Sunflower vol 6/Two Ghosts parallels and just not taking the time to look at it for more than half a second.... So there's this parallel in Sunflower Vol 6 and Two Ghosts about kitchens and being tongue-tied, and in Two Ghosts it's sad sad sad, Two Ghosts is at the I've-cut-you-off point...

(@ialwaysknewyouwerepunk describes these parallels and why they're there well in this Sunflower Vol 6 analysis)

But here I want to compare Too Young and Two Ghosts:

Two Ghosts:

The fridge light washes this room white Moon dances over your good side And this was all we used to need Tongue-tied like we've never known Telling those stories we already told 'Cause we don't say what we really mean

Where Harry takes Two Ghosts point in time and writes around it, flips it on its head in Sunflower Vol 6, Louis appears to have done the same in Too Young.... He sets the same mood: we're in the kitchen (the fridge light washes this room white/at the kitchen table), I see your face(moon dances over your good side/face to face), then the rest of the verse kinda mimicks eachother too, but more hopeful. Where in Two Ghost they're tongue-tied, repeating the same stories, not saying what they really mean, in Too Young they can finally have a conversation:

This is everything I've waited for

Now we can finally have a conversation

That I wish we could’ve had before

This is a Home parallel (parallel doesn't mean intentional reference, but this does fit well): "Make a little conversation, So long I've been waiting, To let go of myself and feel alive". These parallels also happen in Canyon Moon by the way Where in Home they're giving into the pressure of being told their love wasn't enough, they're confused, "stumbling in the dark", questioning it "but if you say you feel the same, could we be enough?" (again questioning it in Strong: "is it so wrong, that you make me strong?"), in Too Young he's looking back on that, wishing they could've had what they can finally have now before. I know I'm a bit special with this, but I don't think kitchens and conversations and names of places in songs originate from something literal. Like I don't think he went to Amsterdam and then went to Tokyo to let it go etc. I think a conversation, having a talk, and with that miscommunication as well, are often used as ways to describe what they can and can't say out loud, to the public, the things left unsaid, left unaddressed. "So many things we're not saying [out loud, in front of cameras]" Now they can have that conversation, although still not literal, now with his new music he can say these things. He can make that WMI directors cut. He can sings this damn song about being too young, singing he can't believe he gave into the pressure when they said a love LIKE THIS would never last. Shit he couldn't do before. Or I just think too highly of him and he just had a conversation in the kitchen, fine with me either way.

It's been two years since I’ve seen your face

[sweet creature horse noises] eh pf hmfpf Stunt line? easy direct effect of dude this song is so obvious you gotta put something in there really, the public knowing he and E broke up for 2 years? (here is another ask about this) I mean, he's pretty direct with his songs but none of the lines are as smackbang in your face as the lines that specifically fit E. This for sure isn't a "H and I broke up for 2 years", if he wanted to describe being broken up with him for 2 years I doubt he would describe it as not seeing his face, if they would break up it would be pretty horrible for them as they would always have to see eachothers faces everywhere, on all the records, in any throwback to the band, whatever framed accomplishments in their homes, forever, right? I'd expect some kind of Why do I still see your face everywhere line over this then. There also isn't any 2 year timespan available in the aggressive larrying timeline giving room for this being an honest line, has it ever been quiet for longer than a couple of months? I've seen it explained as a nudge to "two weeks" instead of "two years", but hmpf who knows really, first and foremost this just screams stunty to me. It's also countering the "face-to-face at the kitchen table" line. What is it? Are you face to face or you haven't seen their face for 2 years? Whose face is where? Whose face is hung up high in the gallery?

I'm tryna find some better words to say

Before I let this moment slip away

'Cause now I realize

Welp at least he agrees those "2 years since I've seen your face" weren't the best words, I think this is just filler much.

For more lyric analyses: Perfect Now (short) (full breakdown) - Sunflower vol 6 - Louis’ 28 songs playlist parallels Fine Line - Ever Since New York - Harry’s top 10 songs - Love You Goodbye - Right Now

[purringbookworm97]

A thing a realized recently is that I might be neurodivergent, and this might be the reason why I don't behave the way most people (neurotypicals?) behave in groups or with me.

Let me explain. From what I've gathered during my short life, people mostly perceive each other through their bodies, in the sense that they will heavily rely on physical communication instead of verbal and/or empathetic communication. Actions will have social meanings, conscious or unconscious, and will be expected to be the result of specific other actions, therefore creating patterns that neurotypical brains (?) will analyse before automatically reacting to them.

The issue with neurodivergence, or at least with my own experience, is that I mostly rely on verbal and empathetic communication because I fail to communicate correctly through physical cues alone. That's why I've spent most of my life observing others in order to understand what they meant, and to be understood by my peers by mimicking them (is that masking?). The theory I've developed through this, however is that actions cannot translate exactly what a human being feels.

Bodies can be deceptive, and therefore manipulative people will use non verbal cues to fool others and get into their good graces. At the same time though, others will struggle with maintaining the physical charade, not because they're lying, but because physical communication isn't their preferred means of socialization (because of neurodivergence for example).

This has led me to perceive people through their words and emotions rather than their bodies, because people’s bodies fail to show me the depths and beauty of the human mind. I discovered for example that I don't react to nudity the way most people do. I don't see naked people as arousing in any way, unless the emotional context allows me to connect with the person the body belongs to. Intimacy isn’t a matter of physycal pleasure, to me.

I therefore think the issue with this, and with the relationships I've had with people, is that we were using different languages. In romantic relationships, I mostly relied on emotional communication and acts of service rather than physical intimacy, while my partners needed contact with my body to communicate their affection to me. The issue with that is that it slowly destroyed my desire for intimacy, because I perceived every physically intimate attention as invasive rather than affectionate. I started loathing being perceived through my body, to the point that I couldn't see it naked without being overwhelmed by a strong feeling of disgust. Which is depressing. Yeah.

So I wonder how many people feel that way. How many have tried perceiving others the way they were perceived, and felt the same pain I felt when it failed. I wonder how many have tried talking it out, trying out things even if it meant forcing themselves, only to realize it was making them miserable. I wonder how much they've lost to protect themselves too, because I've reacted to this overwhelming physical perception by pushing people I loved away, and I lost so much because of it. I lost emotional intimacy, trust, love, because of this body I don't want, and because I don't speak the right language. Or at least one that would satisfy both of us.

Of course, in no way am I blaming physical cues percievers, your language is as valid as mine and everything is fine as long as it works for you, I'm just sad that understanding each other is so hard. I hope you're comfortable with your body, that your loved ones understand the way you communicate, and that they’re able to give back everything you give them. I wish you love, I wish you to be seen, to be understood, to be cherished, for who you are, I wish you all the means of communication necessary to show and receive love, and I hope whoever sees themselves in my experience finds the courage to let go of what's hurting them, and the strength to prioritize themselves no matter who says otherwise.

Languages are learned, but not overnight, learning how people communicate isn’t easy, it’s a process, but in the meantime, you deserve to feel safe in your body and mind. You deserve someone who you will understand, and who will understand you. You deserve someone who will want the body and the mind, the mind and the heart, and everything else too. You deserve to feel beautiful and safe, and you deserve to be accepted and comfortable in any relationship you have.

You deserve this, we all do, and I hope you get all of it and more.

[tuancore]

Purple Hearts || { Part 5 } :

Starring- Jinyoung x reader.

Genre- Angst | Non-Idol AU, Disorder AU.

Summary- I will continue to love you for as long as I'm breathing, but I'm won't let my love come in between your happiness.

*GIF not mine, credits to the owner*

Yugyeom didn't come home last night which was actually good, had he been home things could've gone to South, you were beyond vulnerable the previous night and if Yugyeom was to walk in on you then there was a huge possibility of you telling him the entire thing.

You couldn't actually concentrate in your job as the events of yesterday started to play in your brain on loop like some broken record.

"What do I do?", You stared at your laptop blankly lost in your own wandering thoughts.

The call of your name along with a loud clap made you flinch, "Is something bothering you?".

You shook your head slightly with a small smile before getting back to your typing, "I'm fine Youngjae".

"Well....", He trailed off pulling a chair in front of you and sitting, "It doesn't look like you're fine at all....your face is full of.... exhaustion".

He booped your nose, giving you that million dollar laugh which automatically made you giggle.

"See that's the girl I know", He declared pointing his index finger at your lips, "The cutest". The smile not leaving his face even for a second.

Your lips now pressed into a thin line as you stared into his eyes, he seemed to notice the little transition in your facial expressions, "Okay, For real now....where your mind is?".

"What—".

"You're clearly stressed about something, mind telling me what has gotten you this upset?", He asked warmly with genuine concern written all over his face.

"Nothing special, I'm all good", You cleared your throat eyeing the sheets on your desk preventing any sort of eye contact with him. He hummed at your reply, "Then re-typing a draft which was finalized two months ago...is a time pass?".

Frowning at his words you shut your laptop with your head resting on top of it, groaning at your foolishness, "I messed up, I had to type the draft of Mrs. Francis's contract and now I'll have to do it all over again", you sighed heavily.

Youngjae laughed at your little fit, walking over to stand beside you, he crouched down on his knees slowly turning your chair so that you could face him.

"I know I look stupid", You pouted with your entire face now covered with your locks which only made Youngjae smile wider, "I don't think so", he said tucking your locks behind your ears.

"Youngjae...", You mumbled sending him those indescribable looks. He furrowed his eyebrows trying to figure out and that's when it clicked him, shaking his head vigorously he yelled, "No! I won't".

"Mmm....you can't turn me down so mercilessly!", You whined hitting his arm continuously, "Ouch Ouch!....I have so many files to go through and you want me to type that draft after analysing the whole case?", He asked in disbelief.

"Please! Please! I'll do anything you ask me to do", You tried again which made him smirk in return, "Anything...".

_____________

"You've been sulking the whole morning Jinyoung? What's with that face ?", Mrs. Park asked handing Jinyoung his vanilla latte.

Jackson tried to stifle his laughter but failed to do so and started squealing like some college girl, "Aunt that's the interesting part, I thought he would tell you but since his ego is at stake I'll spill on his behalf".

Jinyoung shot him an annoyed glare, but it only made the things two times funnier for Jackson, "So yesterday at your store, instead of sitting in the cabin..Jinyoungie felt like strolling around the store.... briefly looking at the product on the display—".

"Get to the point Jackson...I want to know the reason why my kid is pulling that frown so gracefully", Mrs. Park asked him casually pulling on Jinyoung's cheeks.

"Okay okay...so when he stood near the shelves. Some lady approached him and asked for him about some of the products which he knew nothing about which created a huge fuss in the store", Jackson stated nonchalantly, "And I don't know why he's frowning over such a small thing?".

"I'll throw this over your head!", Jinyoung threatened gesturing towards the drink in his hand.

"That's it?", She asked eyeing Jinyoung.

"No! That lady approached me thinking of me as some salesman! I tried telling her that I'm not one of them but she started to throw tantrums saying that I'm not suitable for the job etcetera....and that I must be fired for mistreating her—.....Gosh! I ain't going there anymore. She was literally hard headed, she didn't even want to hear me or the staffs out", Jinyoung shook his head with an exasperated sigh, "That lady's voice is still ringing in my ear. I mean just look at this handsome face, from which angle do I look like some salesperson?"

"Ouch....that must've hurt you real bad", Mrs. Park teased him followed by a high five from Jackson.

"Eomma! You too!" Jinyoung whined picking up his blazer dashing out of the house in annoyance, "See you later aunt... Jinyoung! Wait!", Jackson greeted before running after his friend.

"Where are you going?", Jackson asked catching up to Jinyoung.

"Nowhere", Jinyoung shrugged off slipping into the driver's seat, "I swear if you're sour about a little joke then that's not reasonab—".

"It's not about that Jack, I have somewhere to go. Go home, I'll see you afterwards...hmm..", Jinyoung cut him with a wide smile.

_____________

Glancing at the clock you heard your stomach grumble, sighing loudly you slammed the file on the glass table in front of you, "Youngjae-ah! It's almost break time let's just grab something to stuff our mouths with!".

"Just....a....minute", He said not sparing you a single look still busy with typing out the said draft, "I'm almost done....".

"You can't finish it that quick! I'm not even done examining the first file", You spoke pacing back and forth in Youngjae's cabin, "You started it like what...let me check, twenty-five minutes ago, Not poss—".

"Done!", Youngjae shouted with a victorious grin cracking his finger bubbles.

"Are you kidding me!", You strode towards him, checking for yourself if he was saying the truth, "Woah! Woah there! I wasn't expecting that but—Okay....How did you..". You were not only shocked to see his pace but also grateful that he saved you from going through a detailed lecture from your boss.

"You literally saved my ass from catching fire!" You clapped your hands.

"Eww...Nasty", He joked swinging his arms around your shoulder, "Come on let's get something to feed you".

You took the elevator to the cafeteria but Youngjae didn't seem to share the same thought as that of yours, as you were about to step out of it he grabbed your wrist pulling you back inside.

"What are you doing?", You asked as the doors closed shut when he pressed the button to the ground floor.

"We're not going to eat in the cafeteria today", He smiled warmly too lost to comprehend his thoughts to notice your hand still in his, "Remember you promised me that you'd do anything I ask you to?".

You nodded maintaining the eyee contact with him, "So I thought of taking you to Burger King". At the very mention of the name made you mouth water, it has been days since you had your last junk food.

The shimmer in your eyes didn't go unnoticed by Youngjae as your lips curved upwards into an excited smile.

That's the smile I've been missing on for weeks, he thought.

"Happy fill?", Youngjae asked as you wiped your mouth with the tissue, "Thanks Jae....the food was lit, hope you keep bringing me to my favourite places".

"Will do that, can't miss the beast consuming everything at once", He laughed trying to piss you off which indeed happened, exiting the place you stuck out your tongue at him running towards your office.

But he ran up to you pulling you towards him by your arms, your hands instictively flying around his shoulders, "You can't leave me like that", he whispered. You stared into his eyes trying to search for something which could explain the things he has been doing.

Jinyoung drove to your office with a bright smile, he was desperate to see you, to talk to you, to tell you how much he missed you in these past weeks. Getting out of his car, he stood glued to the ground watching the scenario in front of him.

There you were standing in front of your office's entrance wrapped in the arms of some other man, not only was the man holding onto your waist but seeing your arms around his shoulders while you both stared into each other's eyes, had something snapping inside of Jinyoung, his gaze darkened the longer he continued to stare at you and Youngjae, involuntarily he clenched his fists turning his knuckles white.

Part 4 | Masterlist |

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[A/N :- Hey there lovelies! I hope you enjoy reading this part, I've been writing this for a month now after erasing the chapter again and again, and finally settled for this one! And once again thank you for reading!]

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[rvmmm21]

. unpleasant reminders 2.0 (aftercare) .

summary : joohyun isn’t all monster, after all.

small note : no anon prompt this time! big ups to [w] for suggesting this lol. it’s the only thing keeping irene from straying too far off into the murderous yandere cave. first off, never written aftercare, really don’t know how to write it too well (sorry!). when it was suggested i said :o um, yandere aftercare is probably just a comforting guilt trip, let’s be honest, so here’s soft irene! as soft as a psychopath gets, anyway. (please don’t yell i couldn’t get all the softness in).

tw : crying, physical injuries, implied stockholm syndrome, implied imprisonment. (and, my constant reminder that this is an Extremely Toxic Relationship).

...

It’s over, but it hurts.

And it’s silent. Eerily so. Which makes it so much easier for the echoes of sobs and sniffles to reach the ceiling.

…

It was her mistake.

Joohyun’s.

All Seungwan did was ask.

She’d gone along with it. Why she ever said yes in the first place she can’t for the life of her figure out, but what’s done is done, and she’s comes to terms with the fact that they both made mistakes.

Seungwan knew she wasn’t allowed anywhere past their front door without her omega under her arm. Joohyun had promised her it was so she could better shield her from the corruption of the evil outside world.

So she had made a mistake, but Seungwan had too. Sure, Joohyun could admit to her own short-sightedness when she gave Seungwan the green light to go out on a walk (alone and unguarded), but that didn’t excuse nor give her downright scheming alpha the right to ask. Seungwan had to have known full well what she was doing, to have had the nerve to demand such a thing of her defenceless girlfriend. Thus, making her transgression far worse than a simple, fleeting moment of weakness. Such behaviour absolutely required correcting. It was scheming and deceptive, plain and simple… not to mention probably another poorly thought out escape attempt. 

She had to have been thinking it.

Why else would she even need a ‘breath of fresh air’ when Joohyun had taken her out for a walk just last month?

…

“Breathe, Seungwan.” Joohyun calms her frantically heaving alpha, pressing her close and stroking gentle lines down her back. “Just breathe, it’s okay.”

She’s trying to breathe, she’s fucking trying but it’s… wait, that’s… that’s her name, isn’t it? Seungwan. Not puppy, not alpha, hell… not even Wannie.

Seungwan.  

She almost forgets it’s hers, and she finds herself having to adjust to the way it sounds. It feels like forever since Joohyun has addressed her like this. Like she’s supposed to. God, there’s an endless list of titles her omega refers to her by, depending on her mood. Or, more precisely, the mood Seungwan puts her in. Naturally, she much rather likes the nickname ‘Wannie’ as opposed to ‘puppy’ or any of its other derogatory alternatives, particularly with the hurt that usually follows once it reaches her ears.

But still, hearing her full name come from Joohyun’s lips flicks on some sort of intimate, pleasurable part of her brain.

God only knows why.

She can’t bring herself to analyse the complexities when Joohyun’s arms are around her in a proper hug. Now that there are no more chains, no more ropes, Seungwan feels heavier than ever, dragged down by her own muscle mass. Her arms are dead-weight, just a bag of bricks in her lap as she’s being held.

The after-effects of the pain acts like a sedative, ironic as it is. It floods her system. It’s overpowering, and – especially when it’s combined with staggered inhales of her omega’s light and positively calming scent – it always gets her so emotional and so, so sleepy.

(Joohyun being ever the observant mentor always makes it a point to double the concentration of her scent to assist with the come down, to make it as swift and as painless as possible)

It’s been ages but the pain is still peaking. Seungwan tries to squirm because everything - just - hurts.

“It’s sensory overload,” Joohyun stills her, answering a question she hasn’t even asked. It’s an automatic response at this point, the younger girl has heard it all before. “You’ll be alright in a few hours, relax, baby. Deep breaths. It’s going to take longer if you keep moving.”

Seungwan is crying before Joohyun even finishes. When the aggravating pulsing in her head and the searing sting of fresh, open wounds finally fades into a dull ache, hot tears stream down her cheeks before she can reach up to soothe them away. She’s curling further into Joohyun’s front, suddenly shrinking to half her size. Poor baby, the omega thinks. Her poor baby looks so numb, hungry and in pain that it clamps around her heart a little too forcefully for her liking. The fact that the alpha will never know how much it hurts to see her this way far surpasses the twinge from a few electric shocks and a couple of bruised ribs.

Blinking the glaze from her eyes, Seungwan gazes up, and a frail smile traces her lips at the way Joohyun looks just as sorry as she feels.

She always does, though.

Joohyun peers down when Seungwan begins making tiny, muffled noises. She has to strain to make sense of the words being murmured against her collarbone, and it’s admittedly very difficult to do when all she wants is to feel those sobs slowly die down. But she tries, for Seungwan’s sake. She runs her fingers through knotted, damp hair and tilts the alpha back gently away from herself, careful not to hurt her any more than she is already. “Seungwan-ah.”

The command is sweet, gentle. And in her half-asleep state, Seungwan’s brain takes a second to register her omega’s voice before she can respond. “… love you, I love –”

She loves Joohyun. Deep down, she genuinely appreciates everything she does for her, even if she has to sit on the sadder side of damaged and sore for the next few days. Joohyun’s love isn’t always the gentle type, and she knows this. So what? That just means it’s unique; just a few harmless behavioural adjustments. In fact, she thanks her for it, for bringing out the best in her, even if her methods are... rather unorthodox.

With Joohyun, you have to scrape, and you have to scrape hard. But it’s worth every minute, because underneath all those insecurities and the deafening paranoia, she is truly a good person. She’s a protector.

Her protector.

Seungwan’s feeble declaration cuts off into a breathless whine when Joohyun nuzzles into her neck, shushing her with the tenderness she always seems to possess after their sessions.  “Shh, it’s okay, baby, I love you too.”

There’s a leisurely sigh. And then lips are trailing over faded mating-marks and aggressive, pink crescent-shaped markings before choosing to settle on a fresh bruise right below her jaw, causing Seungwan to tense up, unsure. But her eyes roll back into their sockets and she’s tries not to shiver too violently when Joohyun growls, all soft and low, sending pleasurable vibrations against injured skin. 

“Too much. That’s why I do it, you know. I love you too much. I only want you to be good for me.”

She looks down at the delicate bundle she’s cradling,

Her little mate perfectly slotted between her arms; so soft and warm and weak.

Someone like Seungwan really isn’t built to survive on her own. Her mistakes prove that again and again; that she’s helpless without Joohyun.

Joohyun is a good omega, and no matter how harsh the punishment, a good omega never leaves her mate in pain.

She holds the girl whose breathing has finally evened out, the letting her head loll heavily against her shoulder as she drifts off into a pain-induced sleep. The over-exertion has finally taken over, and Seungwan is spared till morning.

They’re going to have to work on her endurance, that’s for sure. This is her worst time to date. Joohyun hadn’t even gotten through two thirds of the session before she saw the warning signs. The serious ones, not the odd whimper and a plea to stop... the serious ones. The ones that forced her to retire early. But Joohyun almost isn’t frustrated at all, this time. Seungwan’s been so compliant lately, taking her training without a single whine. Joohyun knows she could very well have to deal with the added stress of fussing, pouting and whining on top of what happens in sessions, or perhaps even a dare to call for help afterwards when she isn’t looking. She knows Seungwan is more than capable, and yet –

– and yet she doesn’t do it. Any of it.

She’s learnt not to.

Because she’s such a clever girl.

Such a fast learner.

Such an obedient little puppy.

Endurance isn’t going to be pleasant. But Joohyun is sure Seungwan will understand why it’s necessary, when the time comes. She’ll gently introduce this new phase to her tomorrow, she thinks, as she re-adjusts her hold and tucks a limp arm back into place to better accommodate her own limbs that are beginning to ache from the position. She slips her arm out from Seungwan’s back to inspect the damage. Oh no, her wrist looks particularly wrong. She knows she’s not supposed to be able to bend it that way. 

Joohyun carefully sets her down, then quickly grabs the first blanket she can get her hands on to gently drape it over her before heading upstairs to get the equipment she requires. She won’t make any attempt to move her. Not until that wrist has been seen to. 

And then she’ll put her to bed so she can tend to the rest of those horrible, ugly marks Seungwan needs to be rid of. 

For now, she’ll kiss her, she’ll cook for her, she will be at her beck and call. For now, she will be the most dutiful, compassionate, caring partner she can be.

Because she really doesn’t think she can take seeing her poor alpha cry herself to unconsciousness again… not for at least another couple of days.

[kitt-rider]

my emotional journey of the episode ‘knightmares’. i have A Lot To Say

so kitt and michael’s first interaction after michael loses his memory is this

kitt: michael? michael please, stop! it's me! kitt! *chase ensues, kitt leaps over something to get to michael* michael: *shoots at kitt in panic* alright out! hands away from your body! kitt: this is not quite the reunion i'd hoped for michael... michael: i said; get out of the car! kitt, sounding hurt: michael, have you really forgotten me? michael: has small flashbacks to kitt jumping kitt: are you alright? michael: no! no, i'm confused! nothing makes sense to me any more, this face, is not my face! my whole world has disappeared and now i'm talking to a car kitt: i think i can explain everything, michael michael: how do you know my name? kitt: we're partners you and i, we're a team. please, let me help you. get in michael: no thanks kitt: as you pointed out, i'm only a car. please. trust me 

and it. it’s a lot. there’s so much emotion in kitt’s voice here, like. something i’ve noticed is that they’ve grown so close that if they’re apart for too long, or don’t know what the other is doing or where they are or how they are, they freak out. if the watch breaks, or loses connection, they get really thrown off kilter, both of them. they’re so entwined that they feel lost without the other, as though they’ve become two halves of a whole. 

kitt sounds really hurt when he realises michael has forgotten him. this is the most human we’ve seen kitt so far, not that he hasn’t been before, but the emotional range in his vocals are just. they’re so raw and it’s so clear to anyone, even if this were to be the only episode they watched, that the two of them have something really special, that the two of them love each other. but then michael has little flashes of kitt jumping. it starts to come back to him. this is a big deal because it’s the first instance of him remembering something. kitt is so deeply embedded in him that his brain automatically responds quicker and easier to kitt, and kitt is a stronger trigger than anything else has been so far. 

kitt speaks very softly, coaxing michael with gentle words of love. the “trust me” absolutely killed me, idk why. maybe because michael DID end up trusting kitt and getting in, or maybe because it was just the gentleness of kitt’s words. i just. hnnnng.

so then michael gets in, freaks out, they go to the foundation, devon and april try to talk to him, they can’t, so he leaves. kitt follows. and the next interaction is this

*kitt is following michael who wants him to go, eventually they stop and michael opens the door* michael: i'd tell you to get this through your head but you're a machine, so run this through your data processor. get lost! kitt: i can't do that michael. i'm programmed to respond to your needs. despite your being unaware of it, you need me! michael: what if i don't want you? kitt: ...i suppose i'll be quite hurt  michael: ...alright. it is pretty hard to get around without a set of wheels. alright. i drive from here on kitt: absolutely. providing you'll promise me one thing michael: what? kitt: please do not refer to me as a car, or a set of wheels. it's most demeaning. i'm the knight industries two thousand. *wistfully* you always called me kitt...

OOF!!! mega oof! kitt can't stand michael calling him a machine because it's not right, his michael always treats him as a person, always calls him kitt, always refers to him as if he were a human bc kitt does have a soul, and he has personality like one. he's not used to michael being so standoffish and mean (although it's not really michael's fault since he's probably freaking out, and also it's like he's reverted to when he first met kitt when he didn't understand that kitt isn't just a machine) so he's. hurt. and his voice is all soft and wistful. it hurts for michael to refer to him as “machine” or even a “car”, because for so long michael has called him buddy, pal, or kitt, as kitt himself said. and it’s important to kitt that that continues, because he loves michael very much, and the thought that their relationship might not be as close as it once was is something he can’t bear. 

and then they drive and all that, we get michael literally calling kitt hot, and kitt smugly replying that he knows. and then on the way, more conversation and. 

michael: you know it's a terrible feeling, every time i pass a mirror or i see a reflection in the window... i see a stranger's face kitt: i wish i could help you regain your memory. especially your memory of ME. ...we have quite a history together

GOD. it's so much. it's all so much!!!!! kitt is desperate for michael to remember him, not just cause he's programmed for michael's sake, but bc he wants michael to remember him specifically, as he says. kitt is going all ways out of professional this episode, and his voice is just. especially when he says the history part, it's so, so soft and full of love and yearning. i can't get over them, honestly. the episodes where kitt is reprogrammed or removed from the car and where michael loses his memory are quickly becoming my favourites, mostly bc there's so much affection and love between them in it. like. their bond is so strong, and these episodes like to prove that that bond breaks through everything.

kitt wouldn’t say he wanted michael to specifically remember him over everything else if it were simply his programming/in a professional sense, which means he wants michael to remember him for HIM. because having a human he’s imprinted on so much feel indifferent to him is just awful, and insulting to the hell and high water they went through.

gahhhh and then! they get to the dam and michael gets in trouble, and goes “kitt! i need you!” and kitt excitedly goes “it’s about time!” AND I!!!! aside from the fact that “i need you” as a general phrase is A Lot to me, because i associate it with “i love you” and in fact, sometimes i need you is even more of a romantic gesture to say than i love you, it’s just so sweet how excited kitt is that things are falling back into place, that his michael is his michael again, and they’ll be a team once more.

then they head off, and kitt shows off his analyser and michael. “you.. .are a regular wonder on wheels, aren’t you?” and kitt “i like to think so”

AND THEN. AND THEN?!

michael: kitt? you said you knew me before the accident. what was michael knight like? kitt, softly and full of love: michael knight was bright, agile, often quite logical. he was also stubborn, impatient, readily distracted by pretty girls. and he listened to possibly the most appalling music to ever shatter my airwaves michael: sounds like my kinda guy kitt: yes that’s what i’m afraid of

and this interaction is so... affectionate? so loving. even though michael is still trying to remember, he smiles automatically, even jokes around a little. kitt analyses the material and then michael says he’s impressed. and then i get a damn BOMB dropped on me.

michael: kane’s? i’m impressed! i mean how does a chemical analyser identify a store? kitt: it didn’t! there’s a card inside michael, smiling: good work kitt kitt: oh one other thing about michael knight michael: what’s that? kitt: i was extremely fond of him

like. i have no words. it’s all right there. i can’t really say any more than what kitt did. and he says it as though it’s a fact. he says it as a way to describe michael, bc now, kitt is a part of michael, and everything that embodies him. kitt loves michael, and it’s a fact. it’s an identifier of who michael knight is. michael knight is someone kitt loves very much.

michael tries to get into a building that’s locked. kitt unlocks it

michael: should i say thanks? kitt: if you do i’ll say ‘you’re welcome’ michael: thanks! kitt; de nada (no problem, no need for thanks, you’re welcome)

god! can they BE any cuter? their interactions are so precious. 

once again we get an “i need you” from michael. i love that. it looks like from now on, that will be a regular thing, bc michael’s only just started saying it a couple of eps ago. something else i love is that the two of them fit back together quickly and easily. they’re already acting as a unit/as they did before not long after they’ve started working together again. they also bicker again, and it falls naturally into place.

michael: i got a hunch that door is not gonna stand in our way kitt: michael this is beginning to sound like old times! 

and then

that’s michael’s expression in response. a warm, wide smile. things are coming together again. he’s starting to remember kitt.

AND THEN

kitt: michael i pride myself on never pointing out the obvious, but i’m afraid we’re driving into a trap michael: i’m not worried kitt, i have an edge. a secret weapon kitt: really? what is it? michael: you

and then kitt blushes!!! for sure! there’s no other way to see it! he’s blushing not only from being a little flustered that michael’s praising him like he did before, but also because even a little while of michael not being affectionate and loving towards him was awful and he’s so happy that michael is becoming more and more like his old self again that his “cheeks” glow with happiness. ugghgngn!!! god. so much! they are so much, and so in love.

so the girl is saved and everything is well. he regains his memory, and we end on michael and kitt being all domestic and married-coupley.

kitt: welcome back michael. i thought as a little present i’d play you some of that appalling music you like so much michael: thanks buddy. come on. let’s shatter some airwaves! *music plays* michael: you know i was thinking. i could have april install an electronic board here and she could hook it up to your speakers kitt: michael? michael: yeah? kitt: don’t press your luck michael: whatever you say pal, whatever you say

AND!! THAT IS JUST SO. coupley! hhhhhhh. and ofc, michael will take kitt on vacation. i was wondering for a moment if he wouldn’t, but that was dumb. of course michael will take kitt with him! he can’t stand to be apart from him! they both can’t stand it!

god. i kind of want to write a little ficlet of the vacay, and i probably will, because i am SO full of fluff. golly. what an episode! michael and kitt are in love and as the show goes on that just becomes more and more apparent <3

[emeraldtawny]

[Sex Worker AU] Kenshin x MC: What Is Love? (Pt 1/3)

Welp...you guys wanted him so he’s up first~! Of course you guys HAD to choose the boi I’m the least confident in writing for, but hey I can only improve, right? ;3

Who knows when the next part will be out, but hopefully this sets everything up nicely for you all. Hope you enjoy~! ^w^

Gigolo. It wasn’t a title he could honestly say he hated; it was more the connotations that came with it.

Everyone automatically assumes his work involves sexual favours, sexual appeasement - everything sex. But that isn’t Kenshin. The beauty of his work means he doesn’t have to deal with the bother of appeasing women in that way, something he purposefully distances himself from. He saw no benefit in physical attachments, his past a canvas awash with heartache and discord, hues of reds staining and seeping in to leave him tattered and saturated in the mistakes of his past.

No matter how hard he tries, he can’t bring himself to throw away the ruined canvas, the constant reminder of his distress is his self-destroying way to make sure never to go back - never to let anyone get that close to him again.

But then, there was her.

…

The day is mild as she readjusts the scarf wrapped snugly around her neck to banish the chill. She clicks her phone to life to check the time, the photo background of her and her friends never failing to bring a smile to her face: Sasuke’s insistence on flashing a peace sign, Yukimura’s confused expression pointed at him, Shingen’s playful wink as he plays up to the camera. And Kenshin’s stoic, uninterested stare, his eyes piercing her every time she meets them, the effect his stare has on her still strong even without his physical presence.

(Where is Kenshin? The guys have said he’s been busy lately, but work for a whole week without a break?)

She frowns slightly at her phone, letting her gaze linger on her lock screen before pocketing it. In the short couple of months since she first met them in the cafe on that fateful day, she likes to think that they’ve all grown pretty close. Sasuke was right - despite their taboo work, they are all wonderful people she has come to truly care about. The nature of their work still makes her uncomfortable despite herself, but it’s a hurdle she knows she can overcome.

The streets are relatively sparse as she continues on her way, her eyes naturally wandering to glance at the shop windows and their immaculate displays. The stagnant thought of Kenshin’s absence remains idle in her mind, and she lets her mind drift back to an earlier conversation.

~

[ “Hey, Sasuke? Kenshin said he was a gigolo, right? Do you...happen to know what that entails?”

“Hmm, I myself haven’t asked about details, but from what I gather he acts more like an escort than as a traditional male prostitute. He has mentioned that despite working in the sex industry, he personally stays away from anything of the sort.”

“Huh? But then, why is he in the industry if he doesn’t even like it?”

“I’m afraid I don’t know, ___. That would be something you would have to ask him yourself.” ]

~

(An escort, huh? Like, arm candy for women? I can’t imagine Kenshin being like that.)

So lost in her thoughts, she barely registers the person in front of her until after she bumps into their shoulder. Blinking in shock and stumbling slightly to regain her balance, she whirls around.

“I’m sorr--oh!”

Her apology dies on her lips and her eyes widen as hues of the sea and forest meet hers, his own gaze flickering with shock in return.

The shoulder she bumped into belonged to none other than the very man on her mind. Dressed in a royal blue button-up shirt with a black blazer and jeans, he looks like a contemporary model, the way his blonde hair perfectly sculpts the unfairly chiselled line of his jaw only strengthening the case.

A small cough purposefully made to draw one’s attention does just that, her eyes meeting those a woman, her arm looped comfortably - and in a very showboating way - around Kenshin’s bicep. She is an older woman - around her mid-40s - and dressed to the nines. Her hair is pulled to the side in an elegant bun, the cut of her dress showcasing her slender collarbone and fitting her shape beautifully; one wouldn’t guess she was an older woman from afar, only up close could the subtle crow’s feet etched into the corners of her eyes be noticed, giving an indication of her experience in life.

“I understand he’s handsome, my dear, but you should at least finish the apology before letting your eyes wander.”

Her lightly reprimanding teasing tone makes her blink, a wave of embarrassment rushing through her.

“Uh, sorry. I wasn’t stuttering because of that. I--”

“Oh?” She cuts her off, her eyes crinkling as they narrow, analysing her closely.

She sinks back under her scrutinising gaze, unsure of where to direct her own.

“I would ask you not to intimidate her, Madame.”

Kenshin, who has remained silent, finally speaks, tugging his arm softly to draw the woman’s eyes up to him.

“She’s...a friend. We met outside of work and she knows nothing of my work except in name.”

The woman’s lips purse. Meanwhile, she lets out a silent breath at Kenshin’s saving words, scared she was about to be death-stared into the ground by a woman she had never met. After a moment, the older woman’s lips curl into a refined yet jovial smile, a small reserved chuckle leaving her.

“Ah, what was I thinking? Of course you’re not a client of his. I could have easily guessed that from your appearance alone, but professional jealousy got the better of me.”

Both she and Kenshin blink at the woman’s words, unsure if they heard her correctly.

“Excuse me?”

She meets her gaze, her rouge lips maintaining a kind smile but her eyes dance like a snake’s, taunting and circling its defenceless prey, “Oh, I mean no offence, my dear. It’s just that this man is quite highly sought after by the elites of this city. Someone of your...calibre wouldn’t be lucky or rich enough to afford his services.”

Her aimed jab is precise as it sinks into her heart, piercing in and letting her emotions loose to consume her being. Sadistically predatory eyes crinkle her crow’s feet further as she watches the young girl drop her gaze to the ground.

Her arm around Kenshin’s tightens as she pulls him with an authoritative air, “Come now, Kenshin. We have more to do.”

The clicking of her heels against the pavement echo for one step, then two. Then they stop, the additional two clicks less graceful as her feet stumble to keep herself upright. Kenshin stands steadfast, his form refusing to budge as the woman tried to walk away, his eyes trained on the younger woman still staring at her feet.

“Kenshin. Don’t forget what I’m paying you for your services and the conditions in place.” The silent threat in her tone has Kenshin looking over his shoulder to meet her eyes, his heterochromatic gaze as contrasting as the icy burn of his glare aimed at the woman.

“That gives you no reason to insult ___ so callously. I already told you she has no place in my work life, so leave your petty jealousy aside when you speak to her.”

The woman baulks, eyebrows shooting up in clear shock. “You...you used her name. You--”

Her stuttering halts at his hand resting atop hers to re-secure her grip on him, “Enough of this pointless chatter. You had more to do, didn’t you Madame?”

“Y-Yes, I did.” The woman clears her throat to compose herself, but the shock dilating her pupils still remains, “Let’s go, then.”

“Of course, Madame.”

Kenshin casts one more cursory glance at his friend, her face still cast down yet her eyes peek up at him through the veil of her hair. His eyes narrow, his facial expression complex and just before he turns his back and walks away--

“I’m sorry, ___.”

She blinks, her face frozen in shock. The softness of his voice, she wasn’t sure if it was the same man she has known with how frail his words fell from his mouth. Compared to the robotic monotone of his voice as he addressed the other woman, she wasn’t sure if what she just heard was something her confused brain conjured up just to toy with her more. Left gobsmacked and confused, the only thing she can do is watch him walk away.

(He...apologised?)

Kenshin wasn’t one for the flowery language of compliments and apologies, so having those words - words seemingly unheard of in Kenshin’s vocabulary - leave his lips, she knew he was genuinely sorry for what happened.

She wills her legs to turn around and carry her home, determined to put the entire incident behind her. Yet the encounter plays like a broken record on repeat in her mind and she reaches up to tug the scarf tighter still around her neck, hoping in vain that this will somehow cut off the thoughts from crawling into her mind and infesting her every thought.

Unbeknownst to her, he was hoping for the same, his sculpted lips pursed together in both thought and irritation as he grasps at reason to keep his attention on the woman he adorns for the day. The words she speaks go mostly missed by Kenshin, as they so often do, but this time his focus is infinitely more clouded; his mind is back with her, her downcast expression, the glimmer of shock highlighting the bright hues of her eyes. He can’t get her out of his head.

The two will never know how perfectly they share their turmoil, nor how both of them reach the same conclusion:

(I need to know more.) (She needs to know more.)

[smolbeandrabbles]

Nothing On But The Stars - John Daggett x Reader Drabble (The Dark Knight Rises)

This could be its own thing. Equally it’s If I Didn’t Know Better Pt.2

 As if one more GIF from @ingmarbergmanz  could inspire a part... right? Right?!

WRONG!

Author’s Note: This went through about 5 song changes before I happened upon this one by complete accident as it’s usually the one I skip... Guess this particular piece wouldn’t exist at all without you guys. So everyone that wanted a Part 2. You have yourselves to thank, give yourselves a well deserved pat on the back!  @stcphstrange @3134045126 @mfolcore - Ask and you shall receive. I love you guys so much! Honestly! Most of this stuff I’m going to end up dedicating to you. You make me a better writer! ❤❤❤😘😘😘

Disclaimer: The usual, if you read my stuff. I barely even ‘own’ the reader character at this point; just the general plot and her personality... I guess!

Premise: Taking Daggett up on his offer, you’re in for one hell of a night...  Soft words. Harsh kisses. The way his name rolled off your lips...

Words: 3148 (I put Drabble. This is no longer Drabble.) Warnings: Sex / Light-BDSM? /  Drinking / Swearing Fair warning: I am extremely nervous about posting this...! I don’t write smut very well, I just end up writing... like... this? I have to be in a specific headspace... I just get flustered and blushy and nervous! I think its because when I write “smut” it’s so much more about the way they feel rather than what they are doing... OMG - I’m super sorry, I just hope its OK?!

You know we didn't get it right But it wasn't all wrong It wasn't just a phase And it isn't all gone Before we go and let the lonely Do what it does I want one more memory of us

With nothing on but the stars Through the window pane Burn your silver silhouette into my brain I can't have you forever But I'll take tonight I wanna remember you right now just like you are With nothing on but the stars

You can take your things And I'll take my mine Before you go and leave it all behind I wanna drink you all up And you soak you all in And watch those constellations crawl across your skin ---

939. Top Floor. Good view. Excruciating lift ride. Now a number to be permanently engrained in your head…

 You didn’t know if you were supposed to knock. Or use the key. You stared up at the door for a few moments. Before doing both. When you entered the room, the lights were all dimmed... The curtains were left open, giving you a spectacular view of the stars, it was a clear sky tonight, and they were beautiful... He knew what he was doing, alright. You surveyed it for a moment. It was a little too late to back out now.

He appeared from another room with an expensive glass of champagne. Stopping dead. His entire body seemed to move with the breath he took as he beheld you. You knew how you looked. He swallowed hard, and his eyes darkened - taking a lot from him to pull them away from you, he breathed again. “I was beginning to wonder if you’d show...” It was getting late. You knew. It wasn’t on purpose. In the back of your mind you were still worried about the consequences. At least he smiled, “I’m glad you did.” You bit your lip. Did you feel the same? You weren’t too sure… He poured you a glass as walked to you slowly. His eyes worked from your high heels up your legs, over your hips, your waist, chest, over your shoulders and finally to your face and back to your eyes. You could feel yourself heating up; at the satisfied hum he let out, the way he ran his tongue slowly over his bottom lip and then bit it. And that heat didn’t stop at your face. Oh God… Okay… Maybe you DID want to be here. He held the glass out for you; “Y/N…” “Thank you.” You took the opportunity of silence to do exactly the same trace to him. You had always liked men in suits. Everything he was wearing tonight was black; it didn’t give nearly enough away and you found yourself pouting slightly. Now, that wasn’t fair..! The way he chuckled made you look back to his face; “Something wrong?” UGH-! You automatically wanted to wipe that superior smirk off his face, you took a sip of Champagne. Oh. You let it linger on your tongue for a moment, what was this? $700 a bottle? That’s what usually happened… You set your glass down and turned your attention back to him; if you didn’t take the initiative, he would. Running your hands up his chest you pulled your body closer to his – time to finally give John Daggett a taste of his own medicine. He opened his body up to you, because he wanted you this close. Your hands were slow; so although he wanted you to touch him like this it was still agony. You paid close attention to his breathing, to every movement his body made that you could feel under your fingertips. How he leaned into you; close enough to really kiss this time. You weren’t going to give him the satisfaction of that. He wound an arm around you, his hand running over your dress and pulled you even further into him. You couldn’t help but let out a sigh at the way he felt pressed up against you like this; you had to fight very hard to keep control of yourself. Control was what he wanted. You didn’t need to sleep with him to know that. Heat began pooling in your stomach and only continued to run lower. You heard the zip on the back of your dress and remembered what you’d promised yourself. You grabbed his hand, he froze again, looking a little more than just confused. You bit your lip seductively and shook your head. You other hand still on his chest you walked him backwards a couple of paces. He could damn well wait for you. Pushing him back you indicated for him to sit, and unlike in your office, he actually did. Setting his own glass of Champagne down, he sat back in anticipation. You had his full attention, and that was all you wanted. You reached back and unzipped yourself, but slowly. You couldn’t help but smirk; if he bit his lip any harder he was going to bleed…. Pushing it from your shoulders you owned that moment, running your hands up into your hair and then back down your body as you pushed your dress agonizingly slow towards the floor. This wasn’t just torture for him, but you didn’t care how it was making you feel. He tried to be subtle but you heard every groan that emanated from his chest. You weren’t finished with him yet, pushing your bra straps from your shoulders you had him leaning forwards, Daggett analysed every movement you made. Which only made you move leisurely, because you wanted him to drink you in. The way his fingers dug into the armrest made you hesitate; you couldn’t help but nearly laugh; at least the way your hair was falling over your face made it look almost shy. He was gonna hurt himself, or this was going to be over far too quickly. And you didn’t want that. You beckoned him over; and he was all too eager to accept. He gathered you close to him again, running his hands over as much of you he could reach. His other hand took your wrist in his and he held you so you were forced to look at him. You got the feeling he didn’t like you playing games. With the way he was standing he forced you to arch your back to continue staring into his eyes; the way his lips ghosted yours and made you whine in reaction. God, you wanted him… You wanted him to kiss you… You wanted him all over you… Just the thought alone made you sigh his name. Which made him stop again. NO! NO! You wanted him to do the exact opposite of that!! It was a decisive pause, however, as the next thing you knew he was dragging you back towards the bed. He sat, pulling you back into him. And this time he kissed you. But every kiss was deliciously rough as he let you push him back into his sheets. You straddled him and moaned gently as his hips ground into yours. It was the first real intimate contact you’d had and you had to take a second. It may have been just a second but when you opened your eyes again John Daggett was reading you like a book. His smirk was back, accompanied by a raised eyebrow. He shook his head and pulled you back towards him; entwining his fingers with yours he continued to afford you these rough, hot, hungry kisses that didn’t let you breathe. He was stronger than you and he knew it; finishing the good work you’d started he snapped your bra clasp and his hands travelled south. You might have been on top, but you were no longer in charge. He chuckled darkly at the way you mewled; pushing two of his fingers against you sweet-spot, gently as first, but as he gradually applied more pressure you arched your body into his. Your efforts to get him to apply further pressure and increase the contact between you were well received… He tangled his free hand into your hair, entwining strands between his fingers. “Look at you…” His tone was husky and didn’t help the situation. “…Darling, I haven’t even started and look at you….” You sighed again, to the movement of his fingers, and your breathing hitched in a further attempt to grind your body against his… He pressed his lips gently to the base of your neck… “But this simply won’t do…” He pushed your body back, rolling you in the sheets so he was now pinning you down. All your resistance was gone, all you wanted was the way he was currently making you feel. “Y/N…” When he said your name he sounded assertive; you allowed yourself a moment to get lost in it, and the rhythm of his fingers, you fluttered your eyes closed, concentration lapsed by other things. All you really succeeded in doing was letting out satisfied hums. He forced your legs further apart with his own; you knew exactly what he was doing, but you weren’t about to stop him now. You whined again as he pulled away for you – NO! NO! That wasn’t fair. He sat back for a minute; both of you were breathless. But he was laughing; “No… Darling… What would be the fun of finishing you so soon? Hmmm?” … Oh come on! He kept you pinned under him as he grabbed the bottle of Champagne and a glass again. He was at least allowing you to gain your breath back… But you also were left needing him more than ever… Wiggling your hips underneath his to gain some kind of relief. But some how he had you pinned so there was no friction. You only cried out in frustration, making him shake his head; “Hush….” He looked from the bottle to the glass and back. Then looked back to you. That smirk was back and you didn’t like the idea you thought was forming in his mind. “…This is nearly $1000 worth of Champagne, Y/N…” He sat back “…You’re going to promise me you’ll keep very still. Ok, darling?” There was something in his voice that made you shiver; that made you automatically agree. “Yes.” You didn’t know why. You just knew that was how he wanted you to respond. He placed the bottle back and freed your legs just enough to slide your underwear down. Why was he being so painfully deliberate about everything?! He knelt up; bottle back in hand – and this time he really drank you in. F**k. You were so damn beautiful. And you were his. For tonight, you were all his. No questions asked. “You are gorgeous.” It was a nice compliment, but it juxtaposed the look on his face that told you all he wanted to do was be as rough with you as possible. He hovered over you for just one more second, committing your body to memory before he tipped the bottle. You thought he might do it in drips; no such luck; you lurched slightly as the cold alcohol began to run in tiny rivers, down your body towards your hips. You were tempted to watch it; but realised that watching him would be more interesting. By now his eyes were dark – his hand gripped the bottle almost too tight… The sound of it hitting the nightstand too forceful; he pushed you back, tongue on every inch of you that he could find Champagne. You arched again into his hands, which only gave him more of you to explore… Holy sh*t… This wasn’t what you had been expecting at all. Hell, he wasn’t even undressed yet. He sat back, like he’d read your mind. You were still panting heavily, watching him watch you as he licked his fingers, too slowly. You were almost glaring at his suit jacket now – could he just undress and do what he was going to do!? PLEASE!?! Every nerve in your body ached for him. He shrugged it from his shoulder gently; you should have known he was going to take his time. He folded it before it found a new home in the chair he’d been sitting in. Next came his shirt, nope – this was worse than torture. One sleeve, then the other. Your hands twitched and he stopped. “Move and I’ll go slower.” WHAT!?! Seconds that felt like hours past as he made sure you’d do what he asked. And then his shirt was gone. His hands moved to his belt and you couldn’t help but groan. His eyes flicked back to you; “Hush… Darling… I know…” You had to be honest, you didn’t think he had ANY idea. He watched your eyes trail him as he undid his suit pants; your eyes gave far too much away. He got the feeling you’d never really done anything like this before, but you didn’t seem to be saying you wouldn’t do it again.   Your breath caught slightly as he finally relieved himself of his clothing. It’s not like you’d never wondered what he was working with under his suit in all your office encounters but… DAMN. OKAY. He leant forward, taking your hands in his, he pinned them above your head. You bit your lip again; he tilted his head, “Are you going to be a good girl?” Hang on a minute-!? His voice held that tone again that made you shake. You nodded. He was fine with you not vocalising it for now. He accepted your nod with another kiss, sinking into you as painfully slowly as he’d undressed – his kisses swallowing your moan; his grip on you was strong and you still couldn’t move. You wanted to touch him, ALL you wanted to do was touch him. Something told you to stop struggling. Apparently, that was a good thing; “That’s it. Good girl.” And you thought his words had dripped lust in your office… He let your wrists go and was almost surprised you didn’t move for him instantly. Daggett encouraged you instead “…It’s ok… Darling…” You ran your hands tentatively up his arms, across his shoulders and into his hair; like you were committing him to memory. He bent to kiss you again, allowing you to tangle your body with his. He found a rhythm that suited you both; and every sound you created made every kiss he gave you rougher. He trailed them from your lips, to your jaw line, down your neck and across your shoulder – making you gasp in pleasure every time he would sink his teeth into your skin. You’d thought about your kinks, but you’d never done anything like this. Damn if it isn’t turning you on even more... “God, John… Please…!” Though in your haze you weren’t exactly sure what you were trying to ask him to do. “Go on, darling, tell me…” In contrast to what he was doing, every word out of his mouth was praiseworthy and sweet. You were reacting just the way he wanted you to. This was unusually tame for him, but the way you murmured your ask for him to give you more. You were at least into this. He knew you were a strong woman; you wouldn’t let him do this if you didn’t want it too – you’d tell him to stop. You didn’t want him to stop. He delivered you a hard slap to your thigh and you let out a gasp; once again not out of pain despite the fact you were smarting. You blinked fast a few times, trying to get used to the sensation. He was watching your reaction with interest, tilting his head. "No?" You closed your eyes and focused on your breathing. You didn't know. But you realised what he was doing. John Daggett was testing your limits. My God.... Was this the man he really was in the sheets? That just made tonight infinitely more interesting. You took a breath, "Not a no. But a not yet." You had to adjust to that information first. That just made that smirk reappear; not yet? Not YET? He’d asked you for just one night – he got the feeling he might get a lot more than that.

*** You ached everywhere. EVERYWHERE. In places you didn’t even realise it was possible to ache. Even sitting up in bed was painful. It was the sunlight, not the starlight, that now streamed in through the window. You sighed; damn if you didn’t want last night back right now. You turned to Daggett. John? What was he to you now? Was this some kind of mutual agreement? Or… was he your lover now? You tilted your head watching his body rise and fall as he breathed, lost in dreams. You decided to leave that up to him. Leaving the bed, somehow still able to walk, you gathered your clothes… You took one last look back as you opened the room door, with a smile. You should have known before you got up here, this was never going to be just one night… He stretched through his yawn as he awoke, blinking against the sunlight. He covered his face with a groan. It had been a good idea last night; the way he’d been watching the stars illuminate across your bare skin. Now the closest star was just providing a rude awakening. He turned to where you should be, but was faced with an empty bed. Oh. He lifted his head, but there was no sign of you in the room either. You’d left. And he had a flight to catch. Turning back, he noticed the folded note that had replaced you on your pillow. Dear John, Thank you for giving me a choice. Best decision I ever made. I had a great night, and I can’t wait for you to be in town again. Always Yours, Y/N x

You’d also left your personal cell phone number and a lipstick mark. He couldn’t help but laugh. Always yours, huh? Damn, if he wouldn’t make sure you were.

 ***

 There was another tap on your office door. This time from the receptionist. “Good morning Ms. L/N!” “Hey! What’s up?” “This came for you!” She handed you an expensive looking envelope “I wanted to make sure you got it straight away. It looks important.” You thanked her and studied the post mark, with a smirk. Gotham. Turning the envelope in your hands you bit your lip with a smile. It had only been a few days… What was he up to? Dear Ms. L/N,

You are cordially invited to J.Daggett Enterprise’s Summer AGM Party.

You raised an eyebrow, oh were you now! You shouldn’t have been, it was all the way in Gotham City and you knew there were company offices in Gotham and they got to go. The only reason you even got to look after Daggett’s account here was because anything as big as his company had to be looked after by someone senior – and at HQ. You looked from the invite to your calendar and groaned. It was still months away, that was a heck of a long time to anticipate what might happen. But, he wouldn’t be due back here for an account review until after then. So, he was indeed making sure he saw you earlier… Along with the invitation was a separate note. Y/N, Looking forward to seeing you in Gotham. There are some well built hotels here that I can suggest. I should know. My company built them. Always YOURS, J. Daggett

---

Just tell me I did OK and I don’t need to cancel part 3. Oh my god. And Oh God! I know I totally bailed on you! BUT I felt a lot of hints for Part.3... So, I hope that’s alright?

[whoareurl]

Causing Chaos in Pyjamas (8/9)

(final update for today but now it’s up to date with the forum version sorry for flooding ur dash love me)

-

Not-Q was a fast draw but Bond was faster. No sooner had Not-Q pointed his gun at M’s chest than Bond was between them with his gun staring right at Not-Q’s forehead. He could hear Q’s ragged breaths from behind him and was very aware that there the henchmen’s guns were trained on him. Good - better him than the higher ups.

M and Q were both MI6 heads and far more important than a dispensable double-oh could ever be. This was what he’d been trained to do; to be the shield when he couldn’t be the bullet.

“You can order your men to shoot me,” Bond began, steadfastly ignoring Q’s pained gasp from behind him and M’s eyes burning into his back. “But I guarantee I’m fast enough to kill you on my way out.”

Not-Q seemed to consider this and, after a moment’s hesitation, lowered his gun to his side. The other guns, however, continued to stare Bond down. Bond didn’t move.

“Good call,” he said darkly.

“Stand down, 007,” said Not-Q calmly and Bond felt his blood boil.

“Not bloody likely,” he growled through gritted teeth.

Not-Q raised his eyebrows mockingly. “Technically, I am your superior.”

Bond scowled. “You’re a traitor.”

“I’m the Quaterma-”

“You’re not,” Bond spat before quickly reining himself in. For someone well-trained to bury emotions, he was struggling to prevent his anger at hearing anyone else try to claim Q’s title from bubbling abruptly to the surface.

Unfortunately for Bond’s temper, Not-Q seemed to pick up on this. “Protective of your pet genius, aren’t we?” He smirked, looking past Bond to Q. Bond had to resist the urge to turn around, to let Q know somehow that he’d be damned if he was going to let anything happen to him.

Somehow, now knowing how Q’s body felt when it was draped tiredly against his, Bond found it difficult to remember that he was in fact a highly trained MI6 operative with undoubtedly excellent marksmanship. Today, he had seen a much more vulnerable side of his Quartermaster and, well, Bond had always enjoyed feeling useful.

“Tell you what,” Not-Q went on, looking down at his gun and, despite all his training telling him not to take his eyes off his mark, Bond couldn’t help but follow his gaze.

And that small lapse in judgement was all it took. When he looked up again, Hired Muscle #1 had his gun trained directly at Q. Bond’s blood ran cold.

“Lower your gun and I won’t shoot your little mouse.”

Bond felt his control of the situation quickly slipping through his fingers. He’d very much preferred it when all the guns had been pointed at him.

“007, don’t you dare,” Q croaked out, voice a pitiful imitation of his usual clipped professionalism.

“I won’t wait all day, agent,” Not-Q said and his voice turned to steel while fire flashed in his dark eyes. “You have five seconds to lower your weapon.”

“007, that’s an order!” Snapped Q hoarsely.

“Four.”

Bond took a deep breath and analysed his options. He could shoot Not-Q right now but those bodyguards were likely as trigger-happy as he was. He’d barely have squeezed the trigger and they’d shoot Q. Out of the question.

“Three.”

“Shoot him, damn it!” Q’s voice was giving out on him. Bond could hear the telltale whisper of another one of those awful coughs on the horizon.

Bond was quick on his feet - two steps to the right and he’d be directly in front of Q. He could make it. In the confusion, M might be able to grab his gun and shoot someone. Maybe Q could grab Bond’s gun and-

“Two.”

There’s no way they’d survive. It was a lost cause. There was only one thing to do.

“One.”

Bond lowered his gun. Q swore.

“Good boy,” Not-Q cooed, making Bond’s upper lip curl. “Now, drop it.”

His tone resembled one used to speak to a dog but Bond didn’t rise to the bait. Slowly, he let the gun slip out of his hands and clatter to the floor, making sure to click the safety back in place first. He cursed internally (Q cursed externally again). He should have been able to figure out another way.

Bond took a step back as Q practically doubled over against his knees, coughing up a storm. Bond never took his eyes off the gun trained on his Quartermaster.

“Your turn,” he bit out.

Following a nod from Not-Q, both bodyguards lowered their guns. Bond dropped down to Q’s side and one hand automatically found his back, rubbing rhythmic circles as Q hacked up his lungs.

“Now, isn’t this better,” Not-Q said with a smile. “Space for a civil conversation.”

Q spat and raised his head, glaring up at his counterpart with anger blazing in his gaze. “I would point out that you’re the one who pulled a gun in the first place.”

Bond wished, just this once, that Q would hold his tongue.

Not-Q smirked at Bond, nodding his head towards Q as he said, “He’s got a quick tongue. I can see why you like him.”

Bond didn’t miss the innuendo but nor did he let his somewhat embarrassed response show on his face. Q, apparently having heard Bond’s silent wish, said nothing. Or perhaps it was because he was too busy panting, leaning heavily to one side in his seat and apparently fighting just to keep himself conscious. His glassy eyes blinked rapidly behind his glasses and for a moment Bond was afraid that Q would faint and, consequently, that his sudden movement might trigger gunfire he had no hope of stopping.

But Q caught Bond’s eye and the strained smile he sent in Bond’s direction was at least somewhat reassuring.

Don’t break down yet, he heard himself saying in his head; the same words he’d said to Q earlier. His brain was speeding through possible next moves faster than he could even contemplate them but he hadn’t yet managed to settle on anything concrete.

“What, precisely, are you hoping to achieve by keeping us trapped here, Mr Driver?” asked M’s voice from behind Bond. “Surely you must be aware of our extensive security. Killing us here would be a death sentence for you.”

Bond had to hand it to Mallory; he wasn’t her, but he was a damn good M.

Not-Q (Bond pointedly refused to call him anything else) simply smiled. “You’re quite the fool, Mallory, if you truly believe me to be the same Marcus Driver who gained Olivia Mansfield’s trust. Or do you really think so little of your predecessor that you imagine she’d be fooled into trusting a traitor?”

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” M retorted harshly.

Bond scowled. Alec’s - Trevelyan's, his brain corrected him - betrayal had cut deep for M almost as much as it had Bond. They’d trained together, drank together, laughed together, entertained the thought of sleeping together; he pushed down the spark of anger that flared up against Mallory.

Q’s body suddenly convulsed in on itself as he stifled a sneeze, apparently putting all his energy into keeping quiet. Bond saw Hired Muscle #1’s gun twitch in his hand at the movement and felt a leap of anxiety in his throat but he pushed it down.

Later, he reprimanded himself.

“Mr Driver,” M continued patiently. “Is there really any need to have those two guarding the door like that? I hardly think any of us are planning to make a run for it.”

Not-Q smiled indulgently. “Perhaps not but I wouldn’t want anyone interrupting our time together.”

Bond raised an eyebrow. What the hell was Mallory doing?

“What do you want from MI6, Mr Driver?” M asked calmly. “It must be something quite important if you’re willing to kill all three of us.”

Not-Q’s smile widened. “I already have what I want.”

Bond caught Q’s almighty eye-roll out of the corner of his eye and felt his lips twitch in amusement. In the field, he’d often heard Q’s snarky commentary in his ear on the inexplicable tendency of targets to play mind games with his agents.

Yeah, whatever, Doctor Doom, get to the point, said Q’s voice in his head and Bond disguised an amused huff as a cough. Not-Q looked at him sharply.

“Something amusing, agent?”

Bond smirked. “Oh, no. Just marvelling at your complete lack of finesse.”

A vein in Not-Q’s temple began pulsing and Bond could see his anger in the set of his jaw. He tried to imagine what Q would say in his ear right now. Probably something exasperated. Q’s tone was frequently exasperated when it came to Bond.

A movement by the desk had one of the guards aiming his gun at Mallory who put his hands up, knees bent comically as though he was in the middle of standing up. The other guard, apparently spooked by this, had his gun trained on Q again.

“Just taking a seat,” Mallory said, sitting down slowly and putting his hands flat on the desk in front of him. Bond was starting to get quite sick of having guns pointed at everybody but him. “You don’t mind do you?”

Not-Q frowned but said nothing. Slowly, the guards lowered their guns once more and Bond breathed a quiet sigh of relief.

“After all, both my agents are seated. I was starting to feel left out. I’d join them by the filing cabinet but I think I’d rather be at my desk.”

For the first time since he’d surrendered his weapon, Bond felt a surge of hope that they might get out of there alive. From where he was, he couldn’t see any indication that M’s intercom was active but if he were a betting man - and he was - he’d put everything he had on that being the case. M was broadcasting the layout of the room and the people in it straight to Eve Moneypenny’s earpiece.

Bond glanced at his watch, being careful to move only his eyes. By his estimate, it had been about three minutes since they’d been interrupted and Bond was sure M had activated the intercom as soon as the situation turned sour. Eve should have assembled a team in about-

The door flew open with a bang followed by a flurry of gunfire and Bond moved to yank Q down to the ground but found himself unexpectedly stopped in his tracks and he jolted backwards and overbalanced.

Blood blossomed across the shoulder of Bond’s shirt and he barely had time to grunt in pain before all three of the traitors were on the ground. The two hired muscles were dead, bleeding out all over Mallory’s carpet. But Not-Q had been shot in the back of his knees and was hissing in pain in a crumpled heap on the floor.

Bond glanced up at Eve who was lowering her gun and grimaced. “I hope you’re not planning to make a habit of shooting me,” he grumbled, pressing his hand into his bleeding shoulder.

Eve pulled off her light-brown jacket and balled it up, pressing it to Bond’s shoulder to stem the bleeding. “I’m sure you’ll do something to deserve it,” she muttered as she pushed harder, making Bond grunt again.

“Once is bad luck. Twice is just careless,” he sniped.

“Well, one in each shoulder. Should balance you out,” Eve quipped back, glancing over her shoulder at where Q was starting to stand on shaky legs. “Q, so help me god, if you don’t get your arse back in that seat I’ll shoot you too.”

Q had the good sense not to doubt her and collapsed back into his chair, looking more like a ragdoll than a man.

“How do you still have a licence to carry that thing?” Bond grouched, repositioning himself so his back was leaning against the filing cabinet and taking over applying pressure to his wound. The pain was thudding through his entire body but he suspected the residual adrenaline was doing something to keep him sensible.

“Medical are on their way for both of you,” said M, looking between Bond and Q with an expression as close to concern as it ever seemed to get. “I’ll get your reports on this whole business tomorrow. I expect you’ll be spending the night.”

Bond had never in his entire career spent a night in Medical. He’d been cajoled into several hospital stays but never a prolonged stint in Vauxhall Cross’s medical wing. Q though. Bond shot his Quartermaster an anxious glance and saw him looking more pallid than ever. He shut his eyes, focusing on breathing. Fuck. This was almost definitely his least favourite part of this job. Getting shot, no matter how many times it happened, never hurt any less.

“One minute,” said M and Bond opened his eyes to find M’s gaze fixed on him. He must look really bad.

Something scraped over to Bond’s right and he turned, at the same time thinking that Not-Q had fallen awfully quiet. By the time Bond saw Not-Q’s hand deactivating the safety on his bodyguard’s discarded gun, it was too late to do anything. There was an almighty bang and Bond’s heart leapt into his mouth.

Q...

[possiblyimbiassed]

What happened to Sherlock? Part II – Re-living memories

What is it actually that we witness in the TV show Sherlock? Is it Sherlock’s and John’s ‘reality’? Is it John Watson’s perspective, as in ACD canon? Or is it something entirely different? After S4 many viewers – including hard-core fans – lost their faith in BBC Sherlock. The characters we had learned to love (or hate) were ‘failing’ in S4: Sherlock seemed to have stopped solving crimes, John had turned into a violent wreck, ‘Mary’ the Assassin was suddenly a hero and there was not a trace of anything similar to a coherent plot line. In many ways this series seemed to have reduced the whole show into a caricature of its former self, and not much hope has been given that we can expect some change in the future.

But everything is relative, as Einstein might have said. :)  What we expected of S4 was based on what the show had been to us up until then. So to comprehend what we’re actually looking at in S4, we need to first analyse what we were actually seeing in the first three series of the show – at least up until TSoT.

Picture source (X) 

This meta series is an attempt to look at BBC Sherlock with a ‘scientific’ approach; to set up hypotheses and predictions, test them and thereby try to solve the puzzles presented to us, the audience, by the show.  The methods I’m trying to use here are explained in the introduction. For this particular meta I’m also using a Word-transcript of John’s blog, where I have been able to use the program’s word count to compare the length of different blog-posts.

Hypothesis #1 was this: John’s blog is the most truthful account of the actual events. I did a couple of predictions and compared them to my observations.  My conclusion was that yes, this hypothesis does hold water. Which doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s true, but there is some evidence for it, and I haven’t seen it de-bunked just yet. So in the continuing analyses I’ll assume that Hypothesis #1 is true, that the blog is indeed more reliable than the TV show, at least when it comes to retelling the actual events (but not when it comes to John’s opinion of what’s going on in other people’s heads).

And now we get to the next hypothesis to explore, #2:

Hypothesis #2: The show up until John’s wedding is Sherlock re-living their story together in his MP, after reading John’s blog.

John’s blog is, in my opinion, rather straightforward in its description of John’s and Sherlock’s ‘adventures’. But as such, you could also argue that it is a bit dull; the blog does not quite live up to the ACD canon level of describing the events – far from it in fact. The John Watson that got published in The Strand Magazine used a lot more romantic and sometimes almost poetic language. 

In this meta I intend to go through the TV show Sherlock from ASiP to TSoT, and analyse the perspective that the episodes are written from. I will stop at TSoT, though, since I see many clear differences between the show up until this episode and HLV. But that difference will be handled in a future meta about Hypothesis #4 (see the full list in the introduction, scroll down to the bottom)

This is a loooong meta, but please bear with me, because I do believe this is important. You’ll find most of it under the cut.

First of all, I want to give full credits for hypothesis #2 to @raggedyblue, who presented this idea to me in a comment to another thread, where we were discussing how reliable certain scenes in the show are. When I read it, suddenly it felt like some important pieces were falling into place, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

Here is an excerpt from it: 

“We are in Sherlock’s MP and we see his version of history from the beginning, because he was doped and started re-reading John’s blog. Because he is a romantic bastard after all. Then he was taken away, lost his control, and now he’s looking  to return. In the show we never see any “real” scene. We’re in the funny, old Sherlock’s head. He’s reliving the facts up to where he was present, the wedding, and then he’s going ahead, trying to solve the situation in his head”.

But before this, the idea of us being in Sherlock’s ‘Extended Mind Palace from start’ had also been suggested by @kateis-cakeis, for example in this meta. Together with @ebaeschnbliah and @sherlockshadow, @kateis-cakeis has for example discovered that the Pilot is a complete mirror to ASiP! More about that in a moment. @sherlockshadow also makes a good and logical case for ‘EMP from start’ in this meta. Update: Thanks to @ebaeschnbliah, I also got the opportunity to read this interesting meta from @fandeadgloves, which makes a good case for why the whole show is probably seen from Sherlock’s POV.

Review vs analysis

But how do we know these ideas are not just wishful thinking? As I said in the beginning, it’s easy to get the impression after S4 that this whole show is something of a joke – if you take it at face value. If you believed it would be presented very much like ACD canon, albeit in modern England, you might have felt as disappointed as the guy who made this review video. And I think this is very important, because he is far from the only voice saying this. In fact I’d suspect that a majority of viewers might agree with many points he makes.

This guy has composed a long (almost 2 hours!) review of BBC Sherlock - the whole of it - and he makes a lot of interesting observations. Like for example the often overly dramatic music, the over-dramatized scenes, the excess of sound effects, but also that there’s a lot of plot holes. And he brings up all kinds of ‘baiting’ of the audience and the manipulative writing style with cliff hangers that never pay off. And – most importantly I think – the fact that the viewers are never given enough information to be able to actually solve the crime cases with their own brains; we’re forever left to just marvel at Sherlock’s greatness. So it’s obvious that he has indeed watched the show – and most probably done an amazing job collecting stuff for the review. 

But he also seems to automatically assume that the purpose of BBC Sherlock is to show the crime case solving that Sherlock Holmes does, very much the same way as in ACD canon, and in most of the following adaptations, only this time in a modern environment. He assumes that this is a modern detective story, rather than a story about a detective. 

But to me this feels a bit like reading John Watson’s blog, where Sherlock asks: “What about the analysis, John?”

I think Sherlock has a point here. The thing is that John, while good at finding clues, he never, as far as I can recall, really tries to analyse or deduce something. Except in TAB’s Victorian setting, which is definitely happening inside Sherlock’s head,

and in TLD, where a ghost starts to deduce things for him). John is mostly far too busy making assumptions and jumping to conclusions about people’s motives, at least on the blog: 

But this guy who made the video even recommends us to not analyse the details of the show too much! (at 49:51 minutes into the video). He is bitterly disappointed (and many with him, I imagine – I’ve seen a lot of criticism where people dismiss the whole show as ‘badly written’) that the show doesn’t give us more episodes where we can follow Sherlock Holmes’ deductive reasoning to solve crime cases. But at the same time, his own video is full of assumptions about the show-makers’ motives (very much like John’s assumptions about Sherlock’s motives), and he utterly refuses to use Sherlock’s method of deduction and logical reasoning himself, while looking at the show as a whole. 

Isn’t this a bit contradictory? Because if you find this many inconsistencies and crazy things in a show about a detective, I think you should ask yourself “why is this? What could the writers possibly have wanted to convey? What is actually going on here?” And then you go through each of these observations and try to figure this out, you try to make sense of them, preferably also trying to think ‘outside of the box’.

Example: According to this guy’s video the Pilot is far ‘better’ made than ASiP, for a series of reasons – most of them based on opinions about how a ‘good’ show should be constructed. But there’s no deeper comparative analysis between them that tries to find out why these episodes are so different and maybe suggest an alternative explanation. The judgment is done, end of story.

On the other hand, this video made by @kateis-cakeis  (also referring to @sherlockshadow and @ebaeschnbliah) is also about the Pilot and ASiP, but the focus is on the data, and what patterns can be seen. They do suggest an explanation, but it’s presented as a theory, not a final conclusion. They have gone through a long series of similar scenes in both episodes, one by one, and found out that they are (almost) perfect mirrors to each other. People and objects that are positioned at one side in the Pilot is placed at the other side in ASiP, and so on. They’ve found a very distinct pattern that is difficult to explain away as coincidence. That’s a scientific approach; you use detailed analysis and deduction rather than jump to conclusions based on assumptions. You look at the pieces of the puzzle and try to figure out how they can fit together, and you use your own (and your peers’) creativity doing it. You may not reach a definitive answer right away, but you will have collected sufficient data to have a much better foundation for your future conclusions. And once you publish your thoughts, others can use your data to do their own analysis, and so on.

So what does this mirror analysis tell us? Well, most of all I think it shows that this show can’t be just about the crime cases; there’s something else going on here - otherwise the show makers wouldn’t have arranged details in this manner. So maybe we have to look for answers about this show elsewhere than in the actual crime solving. Because if the crime cases are the important puzzles to solve, why are we looking at a series of therapy sessions involving the main characters, that are mirrored already in Pilot/ASiP and have an increasingly iconic setup throughout the show? What has that to do with crime solving?

I think it’s logical, though; we can’t follow Sherlock’s deductions about the cases because that’s not what we’re supposed to solve - that’s Sherlock’s job!! But we can use deduction to figure out what’s on Sherlock’s mind, why he and John need therapy. But then we have to think outside the box and imagine that we really are inside Sherlock’s head instead of our own.

You could argue, of course, that TV audiences shouldn’t have to be (almost) scientists or psychologists to be able to enjoy a show. But maybe we don’t have to be, maybe we just need to learn Sherlock’s method. There are so ridiculously many TV shows that don’t require a single thought “outside of the box” from its viewers. So why shouldn’t this one, which is the story about a genius detective, at least require some brain gymnastics from its viewers? Something new, not just the usual stuff?

OK, enough of ranting and opinions for a while – let’s start the actual analysis!

Testing process, fueled by more observations:

So – just like last time we’ll make some testable predictions, but this time regarding the TV show (compared to the blog), to see if we can figure this out. This time I suggest four predictions to test.

Prediction 1. If Hypothesis #2 is correct, then there might be some indications in the show that Sherlock has been reading John’s blog - reading it carefully. 

Observations:

Sherlock has made comments to John’s blogposts for a long time, but not in a particularly interested way; it took him two months before he discovered the first posts John made about their “adventures” together:

But here it says that he has ‘glanced over it’, which seems to mean that he hasn’t read it more thoroughly. He seems to be more focused on the form and grammar of John’s blogposts than on the actual content, and his comments are mostly rather brief.

In the show, he seems to express (or fake? ;) ) a certain indifference towards what John is actually writing.

Maybe Sherlock can’t seem to bother too much with such trivialities as making a good blogpost (actually I suspect he’s more interested in hanging over John’s shoulder.. ;) )?

And he doesn’t seem to notice how much the blog means to John.

But he does get annoyed when John is presenting him in ways that don’t please him.

But there are two occasions when Sherlock definitely has shown interest in John’s blog - and none of them are covered by the TV show. The first one was when he ‘went through’ the blog searching for someone who could help him with a case (Death by Twitter is the blog title) by opening a closed facebook account. And he found “theimprobableone” (Moriarty?), who apparently then helped to solve the case.

And the second occasion is directly after the wedding, when he hacks the blog under the pretext of uploading wedding photos: 

But he also adds a whole post about ‘sex holidays’, boredom and death and a string of comments at the course of two-three days. This time he really does seem to have nothing else to do than to read John’s blog and try to get some attention from its followers. I’ve written a meta about what I believe Sherlock’s messages meant here. John himself is on honeymoon, tells Sherlock to shut up and never writes a word about the wedding once it’s over, neither does he seem to appreciate Sherlock’s wedding photos, since he doesn’t even mention them. One might wonder why - wasn’t this supposed to be one of the happiest events in John’s life? Wouldn’t he even want to write a single line about it on his own blog? 

There are quite a lot of talk about memories in BBC Sherlock; @sarahthecoat has made a useful list of books and other kinds of memory storage devices here. Memories indeed seems to be one of the recurring themes in this show, which also is a factor in backing up Hypothesis #2, I believe. And the blog as such is perhaps one of the most important memory devices, since John has given a thorough account of his and Sherlock’s life together - it’s like a public diary over their relationship. So let’s do an imaginative experiment - here’s a possible scenario that would fit with Prediction #1 for Hypothesis #2: 

Let’s say that while John is on honeymoon for several days, probably about a week, Sherlock is at home in 221B - heartbroken, lonely and depressed. He has lost John forever (at least that’s what he believes), but he doesn’t quite understand what went wrong between them. He has quit working; he can’t really focus on anything else than John for the moment. And in his solitude, he begins to re-read John’s whole blog during this week, because he needs to know. He is not yet willing to engage with his own feelings for John, but in order to try and figure out ‘objectively’ what happened, he enters his mind palace and starts re-running the scenes from his memories, based on John’s blog entries. And this is the show as we see it from the beginning.

A wild idea, right? Is there really any evidence in the TV show to back up this scenario, to tell us that Sherlock was reading John’s blog during this time? Well, yes, I think there is. Apart from the ones presented above, I also think the show tells us about this specifically, it’s just that we see it after it happened, played out in an imaginative universe inside Sherlock’s mind palace: 

Exhibit A: In TAB, which I’m going to assume almost entirely happens in Sherlock’s imagination (see lots of evidence for this in EMP theory), Mycroft talks about Sherlock’s recent OD and his history of drug use and then says this:

This is Mycroft saying this - on a subtextual level believed to represent Sherlock’s brain, and on a meta level he represents Mark Gattiss, the storyteller.

But if (at least) the second part of HLV also happens in Sherlock’s MP, then there is no Sherlock murdering Magnussen, consequently no prison for Sherlock, right? Thus MP!Mycroft is referring to something else - and what might that be? I think he’s referring to Sherlock locking himself up in 221B for a week in solitary confinement, starting to re-read John’s blog and re-living all his memories with John - including the most heart-breaking ones. 

Exhibit B:  Before this moment in TAB, when Sherlock has just woke up from his gay Victorian fever dream OD and starts babbling about Emilia Ricoletti, ‘Mary’ grabs his iPhone and says:

And if this scene also happens inside Sherlock’s head (EMP theory again), this evidence from MP!Mary points in the same direction: yes - Sherlock has been reading up on John’s blog, the story of how they met and of how they lived together at 221B. And with this, assuming EMP theory is correct about TAB being mind palace, I think Prediction #1 actually passes the test, and we can go on and make a second prediction. 

Prediction 2. If Hypothesis #2 is correct, then some irregular patterns in the blog might have influenced Sherlock’s memory when he read it, and these irregularities would consequently also be reflected in the show. (If the show, on the other hand, shows us the ‘reality’, there would be no such corresponding pattern = 0 hypothesis). 

Observations: Let’s compare the blog posts with their representation in the TV show. 

Some of the more lengthy and thoroughly described blogposts are A Study in Pink (1742 words), The Blind Banker (1084), The Great Game (2323) and The Hounds of Baskerville (1373). Each of these has a whole episode in the show. I would also venture to say that they are all among the episodes with the most coherent plot-lines, easy to follow and not interrupted by much weirdness.

ASiB, on the other hand, is an episode that is partly divided into a series of flashbacks showing different cases that Sherlock and John worked with. The blog covers them as The Geek Interpreter (690 words), The Speckled Blonde (632), The Aluminium Crutch (1080) and The Six Thatchers (614). All these minor blogposts are shown very briefly in the show, more like news flashes, and The Six Thatchers isn’t shown at all (the events in the blogpost differ a bit from the later episode in S4, but the main structure is the same). 

The actual main plot-line of the episode is covered by the very short blogposts Sherlock Holmes Baffled, By Royal Appointment, Christmas, Happy New Year, Actually Happy New Year and The Woman. The title ‘A Scandal in Belgravia’ doesn’t even exist on John’s blog (maybe it’s Sherlock’s invention?)! And as we know, ASiB has a lot of weird scenes in it, with spinning images, Sherlock being drugged, a dream scenario with Irene Adler, a mystic sitting John who is not really there, a plane full of dead people, quick leaps between different places, The Woman attending a client, Moriarty blowing a rasberry like a child, etc, etc. None of these things are covered by the blogposts.

And - strangely enough - the mysterious Boomerang case did apparently not merit its own blogpost - I wonder if Sherlock even told John the solution to this case? It would have been a great story, and there was no secrets connected to it! But the only thing John says about it is: “So there I am, dealing with a mysterious death in the middle of the countryside when suddenly I'm whisked away in a helicopter and taken to Buckingham Palace”. And the whole dead-people-on-a-plane sequence did not make it into the blog (John blames this on ‘national secrecy’ of course).

On the other hand we have TRF, which has a long, exciting and very distinct plot line in the show, but all the blog says about it is this:

And then he adds that Sherlock saved two childrens’ lives, and that’s it. John has good reasons not wanting to talk about it, though, since Sherlock supposedly committed suicide after this. 

It’s definitely also worth noticing that apparently Moriarty both hacked the blog and broke into 221 B at some point between THoB and TRF, since he uploaded a video showing this on the blog. Jim pays attention to the following objects in 221B: 

Lot’s of notes:

Headphones on the bison head:

Abundance of books:

That Sherlock is emotional:

And - last but not least - Skulls!! I see you Arwel Wyn Jones

Jim’s break-in and blog-hacking is never addressed in the show, but I think it’s quite interesting that all these things seem to be recurring themes later in the show - including the fact that Moriarty shows up at 221B (I’ll get back to this is a later meta). I do regard this as more evidence for Hypothesis #2; if Sherlock has been reading up on John’s blog and is re-living the memories, Jim’s observations might have got stuck in his head for future reference.

Anyway, after TRF we have three short blogposts about cases that Sherlock had solved before TRF; The Deadly Tealights (410 words), Death by Twitter (452) and Murder at 'The Orient Express' (449). Non of them is mentioned in the TV show. The Inexplicable Matchbox (297), however, is briefly accounted for by Sherlock in his Best Man speech in TSoT. 

And then there is Many Happy Returns - 470 words on the blog. It’s short in the show as well, but at least a little longer than most of the other renditions of John’s shorter blog cases. The hiatus was long, however, so it makes sense that the TV show would show us at least some things from Sherlock’s doing in the mean time. Which John would know nothing about, of course. ;)

In TEH, when Sherlock comes back, the show has this irregular plot line again, with a series of different cases and even more weirdness than ASiB. At first we see Anderson’s ridiculously romanticized (and heteronormative) idea of what happened to Sherlock at the Fall, and Lestrade dismissing it. Then Sherlock is captured and viciously tortured in Serbia, but when he comes back to London directly after, he seems fine and healthy; just a bit of shaving and he’s ready to play jokes on John. Which ends with more violence. 

The time line is tricky to follow and the plot line is unfocused; when exactly was John kidnapped? How many cases did Sherlock solve before John saw fit to visit him? What was the whole terrorist plot actually about? And there’s a very strange interlude with Anderson questioning Sherlock about how he survived, at the same time as a terrorist bomb is about to explode in a subway wagon with John and Sherlock in it. 

But the interesting thing is that the show’s twists and turns are fairly consistent with the blogpost The Empty Hearse (828 words), which starts with “Where do I even begin?”. The post is all jumbled up and mixed with a lot of John’s feelings - many of them expressing anger, disbelief and a deep resentment towards Sherlock. And back is the ‘psychopath’ talk, which John had tuned down considerably during the hiatus. (How can he even publish such rubbish as if he were writing an interesting account of a huge case of national security they solved together? And after everything he had said in Sherlock’s defense? I’m appalled, and tempted to agree with Sherlock’s blog comment “I see you haven't spent the last two years working on your writing technique”).

Finally, TSoT. John’s blog posts don’t cover the wedding at all, which would be logical if John only used the blog to describe the crime cases. But he obviously doesn’t, so wouldn’t this be something John would be happy to describe? His own wedding?? And he would definitely have time, seeing as he’s letting Sherlock do most of the wedding planning and preparations! But there’s nothing, and the Stag Do seems to be censored even in Sherlock’s brain by John: “We'd just returned from a quiet, civilised evening in the pub when our latest client arrived at Baker Street”. Not even the show shows us this picture. ;) (promo X)

As we all know, however, the wedding stretches over a whole TV episode, much of which is telling us what Sherlock relates in his Best Man speech; he gives fairly brief accounts of a series of cases, and he has John’s blog open on his iPhone as support: The Poison Giant (695 words), Happily Ever After (577), The Elephant in the Room (150 words; censored) and The Hollow Client (396). Two cases he actually solves on site, though: The Bloody Guardsman (496 words) and The Mayfly Man (286). We also see a certain amount of weirdness, where time is sometimes played fast forwards (the dinner), and Sherlock has a long session in his mind palace shaped as a court room.

And, as the last post before the blog stops updating, there’s Sherlock’s own hacker post with the title of the actual episode: The Sign of Three (312 words).

Just one more thing about the wedding: what’s important is not just the stuff that’s in the show - it’s also what’s not in the show: the actual wedding! And I suspect we have a clue about that here:

We don’t see the actual wedding ceremony when John Hamish Watson makes his marital vows to Mary Elisabeth Morstan and puts a ring on her finger. Not even a flash of it! Sherlock does post some wedding photos in his one and only post on John’s blog, but none of them depicts the actual wedding ceremony. If the show would be ‘realistic’, wouldn’t this be just as important to show? Well, not if we’re inside Sherlock’s head, and the last thing in the world he wants to think about is precisely this moment...

So, do we have a general pattern here? Yes, in fact we do, I believe. The pattern is that when John describes a case at length and in detail on his blog, the corresponding episode in the TV show is also relatively lengthy and coherent. But when there are shorter case stories written, these events tend to merely get quick flashbacks in the show, if at all mentioned. And for ASiB, TEH and TSoT the main course of events gets split up into a series of different posts on the blog, while in the TV show they appear like a chain of events, full of suspiciously weird scenes.

My conclusion from this is that the show does vary according to the patterns on John’s blog. Which speaks in favour of the idea that we’re in Sherlock’s mind as he’s looking back on his days with John. It’s as if he adopts his brain activity to the blog pattern.

So, let’s move on to the next prediction:

Prediction 3. If Hypothesis #2 is correct, then there might be some tell-tale signs that we’re in Sherlock’s EMP, even if it’s not spelled out. 

The concept of Sherlock’s mind palace (MP) is explained by John to Dr Stapleton in THoB, at Baskerville’s military lab:

I think his MP is pretty thoroughly shown in the scenes that follow John’s explanation, in a manner that we then can recognize in the rest of the show. The usual ‘advertising’ of when Sherlock is in his MP is that texts and images appear on our screen and we can hear sound effects, and all this seems to have nothing to do with in-show ‘reality’. The contours get blurry and (sometimes rainbow-like) light patterns appear. And the whole scene is spinning.  

It’s just that sometimes these tell-tale signs occur separately even when it’s not obvious that Sherlock actually goes into his MP. The topic is treated in this meta, which has a lot of interesting contributions from different people in the additions. @gosherlocked pointed out, for example, that John and ‘Mary’s wedding photo was also a spinning scene - and that’s not supposed to be in MP, if the show is meant to depict ‘reality’, is it? And in fact, in this meta by @kateis-cakeis, we can see that there were spinning scenes already in ASiP - the very first episode.

I think @monikakrasnorada’s meta series “Hiding in plain sight” (8 parts in total) about the evolution of Sherlock’s mind palace is a very helpful tool for trying to sort out MP issues.  @monikakrasnorada points out, for example, that some scenes in TRF appear to be ‘stealth’ mind palace; it seems like we are indeed in Sherlock’s head, even though this has not been clearly ‘advertised’ by less subtle hints such as deduction text flowing over the filming etc.

In fact, if we start to count the number of occasions where rainbow-like, blurry lights are showing on-screen, or where text is flowing over the screen, I think we’ll have to stay here for quite a while. It’s just that we may have assumed a) that these are ‘just’ artistic expressions from the show-makers and b) that every rainbow is ‘only’ meant as a hint about gay feelings. But those readings don’t actually contradict the possibility that we might be inside Sherlock’s head, do they? 

But couldn’t we perhaps be in John’s MP (or mind cupboard or whatever)? Theoretically yes, but some reasoning and evidence contradicts this:

1. We have never seen any sign that John uses something similar to a MP – ever, neither does he ever mention this. On the other hand, there’s plenty of evidence that this is Sherlock’s method of using his brain, and John outright explains this in THoB.

2. There are scenes in the show that John couldn’t possibly know about. Like Sherlock solving cases in Tibet, New Dehli and Germany in MHR, when he was supposed to be dead. And Anderson being on his track. The blog post Many Happy Returns is about John stating that he has to put all these things about Sherlock behind him and move on. Dramatic crime cases in different parts of the world does not fit in with this. 

3. But the times when we see John alone are in situations where Sherlock could, with his MP and extraordinary brain power of imagination, deduce what John might have said and done. And unlike John, Sherlock has his friend’s thoughts and feelings right there on the blog, as a prompt to start his deductions and imaginations from.

So, I do believe that enough evidence is presented here for Prediction #3 to pass the test.

So, here is my fourth - and last - prediction for Hypothesis #2:

Prediction 4. If Hypothesis #2 is correct, then the TV show will have a more emotional, dramatic and exaggerated account of the events than the blog.

For one thing, there is certainly way more emotions swirling around in someone’s mind than what you can read from blog posts.You probably don’t want to publish the same amount of and intensity of feelings that you can register inside yourself. And now it has been established in S4 that Sherlock is actually very emotional (Mrs Hudson in TLD) and was an ‘emotional child’ when he was very young (Mycroft in TFP). We also know from the very first episode that Sherlock is a real Drama Queen, and he admits repeatedly in HLV and TAB that he never could resist a touch of Drama. 

But he would not tell John about his own feelings regarding the events, would he? It’s very rare to see Sherlock express feelings in the show - especially feelings regarding people. That’s precisely Sherlock’s biggest problem: he tries to repress Sentiment to a point where he appears to be a sociopath to others. So if we’re seeing the show from John’s POV he must have imagined Sherlock having a lot of emotions. Which would be inconsistent with his own judgments about Sherlock in the blog. 

Like I said in my meta about Hypothesis #1: many things in this show seem exaggerated in comparison to John’s blog. Things are not exactly romanticized, but rather dramatized and more ‘fanciful’, given a ‘splash of colour’, overly dramatic music etc. And some things seems so cut out of an action movie that I doubt they’re even supposed to be ‘real’.

Observations: Let’s look at some examples from the show of overly dramatic or exaggerated events that aren’t even mentioned in the blog - or if they are mentioned they’re not described.

I already pointed out in my last meta the rooftop hunt in ASiP as not consistent with John’s description in the blog.

TBB: While John is doing something annoyingly mundane - quarreling with a machine at the supermarket (just the kind of ordinary things Sherlock seems to avoid with all his might) - Sherlock is in a thrilling life-or-death fight in 221B. A masked criminal dressed entirely in robes and scarves is attacking an un-armed Sherlock with a sword. 

Some dramatic, oriental music is playing all over these scenes - even the supermarket one. But Sherlock takes the attacker on single-handedly and knocks him out completely in a matter of seconds. Strangely, by the time John is back from the supermarket, the unconscious man is already gone and Sherlock pretends nothing has happened. Nonchalantly, he offers John his credit card and sends him off on a second shopping-round - now with money. Not a word to John about the fight; why? 

Why do I constantly get the impression that Sherlock has watched too many of John’s action movies? (and horror movies, judging by S4). ‘Bond night’ was something John introduced him to already about the time of TBB, according to the blog. And after that we get ASiB, with Bond references that are never mentioned on the blog: Bond Air and flight 007. The exaggerated treatment of the cruel CIA agent who was dropped more than once from a 2nd floor window and survived is also an example of weirdness (covered in my  Hypothesis #1 meta)

And there’s more in ASiB that isn’t on the blog; Moriarty blowing a raspberry at a text he just sent, as if he could see it flying away? Who has the most lively imagination - Jim or Sherlock? And the Flight of the Dead audience - a Boeing 747 full of dead people that never took off. 

Not technically impossible, of course. But to keep so many dead bodies from their loved ones without any of those finding out? No media headlines about a huge number of mysteriously missing corpses? One single leak would have been enough to destroy the whole operation. A bit risky to come from Mycroft with the Brains, isn’t it?

The silly little things, like the café conversation between John and Mycroft; the fact that Mycroft says 'it would take Sherlock Holmes to fool me’ is suspicious. Why would Mycroft suddenly recognize his little brother as being his intellectual superior in any sense? Wishful thinking, Sherlock! ;) And then the event in Karachi; did Sherlock travel there without John even noticing? Why is the sequence transmitted with disturbances, like it was for a broadcasting, and who would send it and why? And the most ridiculous of them all, yet another case of ‘Sherlock the action-hero’: He manages to fight a whole gang of heavily armed terrorists single-handedly, with a sword? This doesn’t even seem like Sherlock’s memory - it’s pure fantasy!

Then there’s TRF and Moriarty’s weird visit at 221 B. Sherlock is not present at the final session of Jim’s trial, and yet is he reciting verbatim what’s being said by the judge. Perhaps not impossible but quite unlikely. When John calls Sherlock after the trial to say than Jim was found ‘not guilty’, Jim is already on his way to Baker street; Sherlock’s kettle has just boiled when he arrives (takes about 3 minutes). 

Now we’re talking impossible, though; how did he manage to get there so quickly? A London ambulance, according to Sherlock, takes 8 minutes to arrive (HLV), but Moriarty is there in 3? And why such a hurry? He was in custody - didn’t he at least need to ‘check out’ first? Weird. And of course, TRF is not covered by the blog, since John didn’t want to talk about it. 

When Sherlock comes back in TEH, we get this irregular plot line again, with even more weirdness than ASiB. Sherlock being captured in Serbia might of course have happened, but what we see is a rather unlikely scenario, and absolutely none of it is mentioned in the blog. The weirdness consists in a) that the young Serbian guard is wearing an old Red Army uniform from WWII rather than a modern Serbian one, 

b) that Mycroft would treat his tortured brother like a piece of trash, even when the torturer was gone, and c) that Sherlock got his back whipped, but shortly afterwards we see him being shaved lying on it. Is this Superman?

And then he’s immediately fit to go play a joke on John. Yeah, right... 

A more possible scenario I could think of (and this is mere speculation, but I still think it fits) is that Sherlock was suffering emotionally; it was torture to him to know that John had ‘found someone’ and was going to move on. Because that’s how John described it on the blogpost Many Happy Returns, which maybe Sherlock could read from where he was. It’s only a month between the MHR blogpost and the TEH blogpost. Which means that it took a relatively short time for Sherlock to finish whatever he was doing and return to London, once he learned that John was moving on. Love is a vicious motivator, I guess...

So, I think we’ve gathered enough examples now to say that yes, Prediction #4 passes the test; there is a pattern of overly dramatized and exaggerated events on the show compared to the blog. 

All in all, after all these tests, I think that Hypothesis #2 holds water; The show as we know it up until John’s wedding might very well be Sherlock re-living their story together in his MP, after reading John’s blog.

Another thing that occurred to me is something I believe @kateis-cakeis has said (don’t remember where - sorry): In ASiP (but not in the Pilot) Sherlock says to Lestrade: “But they take the poison themselves; they chew, swallow the pills themselves. There are clear signs. Even you lot couldn’t miss  them”. But no-one has yet told him that the victims had eaten pills, rather than having been injected with the poison or swallowed some liquid. How could he know? Well, if he was recollecting his memories, after confronting the serial killer he would already know, wouldn’t he?

In one of the comments about the last installment, @sagestreet pointed out a series of things that speaks in favour of this hypothesis (for which he invented the name ‘possibly-raggedy theory’ :) ) One of them was that this idea combines the EMP theories with a late entering into Sherlock’s extended mind palace (HLV) with those of an early entering (Pilot EMP), and also explains some POV inconsistencies. Another point was this:

“And, for any viewer who might feel uncomfortable with the idea that we’ve been in Sherlock’s head all along, your theory would also provide a nice little consolation: We would have seen everything play out from Sherlock’s POV, but it would still be close enough to reality to not make people completely freak out. I mean, it would be Sherlock’s recollection (and, at times, overdramatization) of the actual events, which as you argue, quite convincingly, would only be recorded in the blog.  But it would still be ‘close enough’. (I can totally see Mofftiss doing something like this, by the way.)” 

Well, it sounds about right to me. Possibly I’m biassed. ;)

The next installment will be about Hypothesis #3: The weirder scenes from ASiB to TSoT means Sherlock is influenced by drugs.

Tagging some people who might be interested: @ebaeschnbliah @sarahthecoat @sagestreet @tjlcisthenewsexy @88thparallel @fellshish @darlingtonsubstitution @gosherlocked @mrskolesouniverse @sectoralheterochromiairidum @csi-baker-street-babes @meta-lock

[cate-geo]

Confessions

Day 7 (Saturday, October 14th)- Confessions (Anything from romantic to guilt)

(I have had this idea for awhile now, and I can’t believe I finally wrote it out. Peridot has some crushes but is too much of a coward to confess.

@lapamedotweek)

Peridot had met Amethyst when they were kids.

Their friendship didn’t really make sense to the more logical side of Peridot. Peridot liked studying and tests and good well thought shows despite what Amethyst said about them. Amethyst liked slacking and pranks and dumb shows. And while Peridot spent hours a day coming up with analyses of why they were friends, Amethyst seemed content to just “go with the flow”. This was not a good enough answer for Peridot, but after a few years, she came to the conclusion that they balanced each other out.

Peridot was able to nudge Amethyst to work just enough so she could pass her classes. Sometimes even get one of the better grades in the class. Peridot tried to get Amethyst to believe that she was definitely an upper B lower A student if she just did the work. But Amethyst always reminded her that she was content with the Cs. Peridot never believed her though. Every A Amethyst got seemed to make her feel a little better about herself. Not so much for the grade itself, but for the proof that the people who always looked down on Amethyst and expected the worst from her, were wrong.

Amethyst on the other hand was able to get Peridot to not just see herself as good grades and brains. She was the only one able to tell Peridot that she didn’t have to stay up all night studying something that she already knew by heart. Amethyst was able to get Peridot to join looser extra circulars. And despite Peridot’s protests at first of how the grades were so unorganized in her art class, after only a month Amethyst noticed a lot more paintings hung up and sculptures placed in Peridot’s room.

They were kind to each other. They were there for each other. Peridot was very grateful to be friends with her.

Which is why she hated the moment she had fallen in love with Amethyst.

It was when they were 16. Amethyst was going out with someone and Peridot knew the relationship would only last a little while. That’s just how Amethyst was. She had a lot of casual relationships. And she had so many fun stories that Peridot really liked to hear.

But one night Peridot was talking to herself about the signs that were starting to show the ends of her current relationship. She started to think if Amethyst noticed them too. Did she ever? And said out loud “Would she notice it if we were together?”

Peridot froze for a moment “Would we ever be together? Do I want us to be together?”

Then she slammed her head on her desk and groaned “Nooooo. Stupid clooood. Don’t fall in love with her. Don’t. Fall. In love. With. Amethyst.”

So, of course, she fell in love with Amethyst.

She hated it.

Now being with Amethyst was awkward.

Now hearing Amethyst’s expeditions with her current lover hurt Peridot’s chest.

Now she couldn’t tell her best friend the #1 problem in her life.

And sure, she could just ask Amethyst out. But everytime she tried, Amethyst would grin at her, or make her laugh, or just be a perfect and gorgeous clod and Peridot would freeze up. And by the time she could talk again, the moment felt wrong and she would just shove it down.

At least she had Amethyst in her life.

Amethyst was the best friend in the world. Was it really so bad being platonic?

Of course it wasn’t.

Peridot could live with it.

Peridot could be happy with it.

Peridot was happy with it.

Despite how much it hurt, Peridot didn’t want to stop being friends with Amethyst. So much so, she spent the last couple of years of high school pushing Amethyst to do her best so they could both go to the same college.

Everybody knew that if Peridot just walked onto a campus and said, “I go here now” nobody would ever question it. So when she got her approval, she really only felt relieved she didn’t have to do it anymore. She was definitely more relieved with Amethyst’s approval. They could actually go to college together. Every little fantasy she had made when they were kids was actually coming true.

When fall came around, they said their goodbyes to their loved ones and left.

And then Peridot realized they weren’t going to be rooming together.

Peridot complained, and sat on her bed, staring at her door. Waiting to see if her roommate could pale in comparison to her best friend.

When Lapis Lazuli walked in, Peridot’s first thought was ‘Shit. She’s pretty.’ And then when she glared at Peridot, her second thought was ‘Shit. She hates me.’

And she did hate her. When Peridot started complaining to Amethyst about her roommate, Amethyst mentioned that they were in the same art class, and Lapis just seemed to hate everyone. Something or someone must have hurt her or something, because she was always in a crabby mood.

Peridot learned to live with this.

Then one day, Peridot walked into her dorm and Lapis just needed someone to talk to.

Peridot was very good at talking.

From then on out, they started warming up to each other until they became pretty close friends.

Peridot was analyzing their friendship one night while Lapis was out, and realized that her first thought when she met Lapis started to spill into Peridot’s brain.

Lapis was pretty.

Lapis was pretty and funny and smart and Peridot started to fall in love with her.

Despite the fact that Peridot knew it would be awkward to like her roommate, it gave her a bit of relief. She didn’t have to ruin her friendship with Amethyst anymore. Her crush had moved on. And if things did get awkward with Lapis, they only had to be roommates until the end of the semester.

And then Amethyst had laughed and Peridot realized her crush hadn’t moved on. She just had 2 now.

“Is that allowed?” Peridot mumbled to herself later that night and decided to do some researching. And while typing ‘I like 2 girls what should I do????’ in a search bar would get you bunch of love triangles or lesbian porn, one word stood out among the rest.

Polyamorous.

Peridot looked up the definition.

“Polyamory-the practice of or desire for intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners.”

Peridot spent the night looking up different polyamory stories and blogs and articles and definitions and everything she could find.

Peridot’s felt like polyfidelity fit her best and went to bed happy and fantasizing about the three of them together and happy.

Then woke up of a feeling of dread. Dating both of them didn’t automatically make it less awkward. It would be more awkward. Peridot spent the whole day worrying. What if they weren’t polyamorous? What if they didn’t like each other? And, newsflash, this didn’t necessarily mean that all of Peridot’s previous worries would just disappear. What if this ruined both of her friendships with them?

When Peridot got back to her dorm, one of her questions was answered.

Her best friend and her roommate, her crushes, the people who were the core of her feelings of dread and worry all day were sitting on Lapis’s bed, kissing.

They pulled apart when they heard Peridot drop her books on the ground. Embarrassed but giggling.

“Sorry Pea-Pod. We were gonna tell you when you got back. But I guess you know.”

“Wow. This is just…wow.” She should be ecstatic. Thinking about the 2 of them, they seemed well for each other. And this could be good for Peridot too. She just had to see their thoughts on polyamory. Just ask about polyamory. Do it.

“That’s cool. I was just picking up a textbook and I was gonna head to the library anyway, so you guys can be alone.” Peridot picked up the first textbook she saw and ran out the door, down the hall, out of the dorms, and stopped.

Peridot had spent years analyzing and worrying and nitpicking and researching every little thing about her friendships and her crushes and had never just done anything about it.

While Peridot had thought about every possible outcome, they were…asking each other out and…kissing.

Hearing about Amethyst’s lovers wasn’t what hurt her chest. It was Amethyst having a lover while Peridot didn’t. She would just spend her whole life upset and in her head instead of just being with someone.

That’s why she got relief when she thought she moved on.

Peridot looked at herself in the window and thought something nasty

“At least my carefulness means I won’t break up with them. How long will they last?”

She then quickly shook her head and berated herself for thinking something so cruel about the 2 people she supposedly loved more than anyone else.

She stayed their friends. She kept getting rooms with Lapis. The three of them hung out all the time, and Lapis and Amethyst did a really good job at trying to not make her feel like a third wheel. She was pretty sure that the only reason she did was because she was in love with them.

The thought she had the day they got together kept creeping up on her. She tried to silence it, but she couldn’t stop herself from thinking it the day that Amethyst and Lapis’s relationship was longer than any relationship Amethyst had ever had in her life. At least, relationship in the romantic sense. And there were never any signs of it ending.

Peridot laid in her bed and listened to the two of them giggling and saying for the millionth time “Sh sh sh. What if Peri is still awake?” And then, for the millionth time, trying to block out the sounds of the two of them ‘going at it’ as Amethyst liked to call it.

Something hit Peridot that though. She buried her face into her arms and realized it was wet. Was she seriously crying? She sniffed and then froze when the noises in Lapis’s bed stopped. Shit.

“Peridot?” Lapis had sat up. “Are you crying?”

Peridot tried to very carefully and very quietly readjust to look more like she was asleep than like she was trying to block out noises. And crying apparently. She tried not to tense when she felt Amethyst’s hand brushing the hair from her face.

“She’s asleep. But her face is wet.” Amethyst whispered over to Lapis.

“Has she ever cried in her sleep before?”

“No. At least not to my knowledge.” Amethyst walked from Peridot’s bed and Peridot heard the two of them shuffling before crawling into her bed, back in their pjs, and laying on either side of Peridot.

Peridot started crying again. While she was being selfish and angry, they were being the great friends that they were and trying to make her feel better even when they didn’t know why. They were too good for her to lie to them anymore.

“I’m not asleep.”

“Oh. Then why are you crying? What’s wrong?”

Peridot took a deep breath and told them everything. Told them when she started to fall in love with Amethyst. Told them when she started to fall in love with Lapis. Told them about polyamory. Told them what she did the day she found out that they were dating, both before and after. She told them about her selfish thoughts and feelings and her analyzing. So much analyzing. Everything just started spilling out and she couldn’t stop it even if she wanted to. There was just too much to say and the sun was starting to rise when she finally finished.

The three of them laid in silence for a long time after that. Peridot knew that Lapis and Amethyst were just letting everything sink in, but Peridot’s heart was beating faster and faster every second that ticked by.

“Wow Peridot.” Peridot didn’t know the last time Amethyst hadn’t called her by a nickname. “That’s…wow.”

Peridot wanted them to either say they were in love with her too, or break off the friendship forever. Either way would at least give her closure from her years of torment. But instead she said “You guys don’t need to tell me right now. I understand it’s a lot to take in, and you’re probably tired.”

“Yeah.” Lapis closed her eyes. “We’ll sleep on it.”

Peridot was surprised that Amethyst and Lapis didn’t feel too awkward sleeping in the same bed as her. Until she heard “You know? No matter what, we love you.”

Despite the fact that Peridot was unsure of that since the moment all of this started, she surprised herself by truthfully saying, “I know. I love you guys too.”

It had taken a couple of torturous days for Amethyst and Lapis to think everything through. Then that weekend, they both came into Peridot’s room and told her that they had thought about it separately and together and had been doing nothing but talking about it.

“And?” Peridot tried to stop shaking in her seat.

“And… We love you, you’re the sweetest and smartest and kindest and funniest we know.”

Peridot looked at the ground “But...”

“But nothing. We wanna date you.”

“Wait…Wha-GAH!”

Lapis yanked Peridot onto her bed and with Amethyst’s help started to attack her face with kisses.

And Peridot started to cry again.

“Those are…Happy tears, right?”

Peridot nodded “Of course they are.”

[mepaintingdreams]

BnHA x KHR

Chapter 2. USJ Part 1

She felt like a zombie as she walked out of the classroom for lunch. It was hell just thinking of how to promote that classmate from the first day. But having to do it over and over again everyday to every other classmate and for different hypothetical people? She thought her brain got fried from overuse.

Analyses was not her thing, that was Izuku’s. If it were that boy he’d have tons of material already within the first few minutes of deliberation. Izuku’s a genius. And she, definitely, was not.

It was still better than math, though.

With that last cheerful thought, she carried her bento with more energy than before to the cafeteria. Once she’d arrived and saw the crowd though, she forgot something of great importance: she hadn’t had friends to eat with.

She wasn’t able to make friends she could eat with on her list of classmates. She didn’t have someone to push people to be her friends anymore. She doesn’t have someone on class who’s not exactly a friend but was cheerful and friendly enough to everyone who wouldn’t mind her sitting with them for lunch like on middleschool.

She now regretted holing herself up in the library for every break she had just to catch up with her studies. If she hadn’t allotted the current day as her lunch study day off, she might still be in the library.

She had a moment of hysterically laughing in her head. Dame-Tsuna actually working hard in studying and being successful about it? Preposterous. Well, if not for her remembered past life, she might not get far without severe help.

But she’d veered off from the present issue. Tsuna chewed her lip and bounced her weight from foot to foot - nervous and awkward.

Suddenly, she felt small and insignificant. She never did learned how to make friends in school. She was in the same school with Izuku back in primary and halfway through elementary they were together. Until she had to transfer to Tokyo until the end of middle school for her parents job. She didn’t know why she had to move with them then. They weren’t home most of the time anyway and she’d proved she was self-sufficient enough. But she guessed they were trying to reconnect to her in their own way.

She shook her head. Come to think of it, she was with Izuku even in the dojo so she didn’t have anyone else there, too. It had been fine then. She had been contented but, now, who was she supposed to eat with, to play with, to make fools of themselves with, and watch fireworks together with?

She walked home everyday with Izuku but what about now? What about on other times?

Would it be okay to eat in the rooftop? She bit her lip and just about to turn around to take her chances there when a voice called her.

“Tsuna!” For a moment, another voice overlapped her cousin’s. A voice who’s louder, more confident, and deeper. Her eyes found Izuku’s waving arms. Another image waved her forward, someone taller with a grin so bright he could be from a toothpaste commercial.

She took a deep breath and plastered a smile as her feet stepped forward and into the trio. Her eyes caught the boy with her cousin gently berating her cousin about something. Her mind painted another figured with a rougher attitude, shouting and threatening to shove dynamites over the other person’s mouth if he wouldn’t stop being disrespectful.

Her lips wobbled and she barely managed to stop the sob from escaping her lips when she almost reached their table. Then, suddenly, the girl within the table was herself and was placating the two from getting into trouble.

This was a bad idea.

She somehow managed to calm herself to greet them. No one thankfully noticed her melancholic thoughts.

Her cousin introduced her and was tritely introduced back to them. She echoed their pleasantries and smiled at them.

Thankfully, before any proper conversation could begin nor for any of them had any chance to shove their lunches to their mouths, an alarm blared from the speakers.

An emergency. They need to leave to safety. Her eyes panned over the exit with a worryingly growing stampeding crowd then over to her cousin and his classmates. Her eyes ran with their form.

They were already running and Izuku had somehow grabbed her arm without her notice. He was now dragging her with him into the panicking mass of students. Again, this was a bad idea.

“Izuku, we can’t-!” She cut herself off when the crowd swallowed them both and severed her cousin’s hold on her. “Izuku!”

Her voice went unheard within the cacophony of screaming teenagers. She tried to use her small weight and shoulders to cut through the sea of students. The mass was too compact. She could only move beyond a meter from her efforts.

“Izuku!” She uselessly tried to call for her wayward cousin once more.

Then, there were gasps. She followed their sights and found Iida-san floating above their heads. His quirk, maybe? His gaze zeroed over the exit. Good idea, she silently agreed to his plan. Now, if only he’d take Izuku with him and that girl, too, since she looked nice and they looked like close friends.

The glasses-wearing boy flew past everyone and slammed into the wall in a weird yet familiar pose.

“Please. Let’s be calm.” Iida-san’s words echoed in the hall with all students listening without preamble, too shocked to do anything else but listen.

They crowd slowly calmed. She caught Izuku’s eyes and they both smiled. Tsuna’s glad he found good friends but she didn’t think she’d be joining them for lunch anytime sooner. That breakdown she almost had was unprecendented. She thought she’d been over it for years now.

She sighed as collected her bento and left the cafeteria with nothing but a nod of apology to her cousin. Her mind might think she’d move on but her heart would always remember and remind her of those who’d taken pieces of her with them.

For now, she can’t eat lunch with Izuku and his friends. Some other day, then. She need to get to know them, anyway. She needed to assure herself that they’d be good for him and would take care of him just like she knew he would to them.

Some other day. Hopefully, Izuku wouldn’t be too disappointed.

—

Her heart had been pounding since she woke up this morning. Although she didn’t really think she’d carried hyperintuition with her from her past life, she’d found stranger things before than to question it. And right now, it’s advantageous. Something’s going to go wrong.

She had hurriedly prepared herself to school and texted her parents to take care of themselves and be careful when they didn’t answer her call. They might not always be there like her last father but they’re her parents and that automatically makes her care for them. Even when she’s disappointed of them, she still cared. Just like Iemitsu.

Her next step had been to call Auntie Inko for the same gist. Although this time, the woman had answered the call and exchanged brief pleasantries with her. Her aunt had given her well wishes, as well. Her heart warmed. The woman was more of a mother to her than her present biological one.

The last and most important call she made was Izuku’s. Because she knew she’d be a wreck and would be too nervous to make the other calls otherwise. After all, that boy stumbled over trouble like its going out of style.

She almost screamed at the boy when he finally answered after what seemed like an eternity. But held her tongue and continued running. She just went passed Yuuei’s gate.

“Where are you?” She scanned the crowd, looking for a specific head of green curls, and stopped running. It’s too early to be suspiciously running like her life depended on it.

“Uhh… I just entered the classroom,” Izuku dutifully answered without preamble and simultaneously greeted his fellow classmates.

“I’ll meet you there.” She dropped the call and speed-walked to the heroics department. Nobody stopped her. But some looked at her funny. She didn’t care. She had to reach Izuku.

She’d have talked to him over the phone but the boy could be secretive about any injury he might or might not have gotten on accident and would bear the pain until he heals or someone noticed him bleeding. She needed to make sure he’s fine.

She reached the classroom just as Bakugou was about to enter. She pushed through him and walked directly to Izuku. She ignored the blond’s growls and threats. Xanxus had been more vicious. Compared to that man, Bakugou sounded like a pleasantly purring kitten. Completely non-threatening.

She grabbed Izuku’s shoulder once he was within an arm’s length of distance from her. She turned him every which way, inspecting him. Izuku took it in stride. His classmates though looked at them weirdly.

She nodded in satisfaction when she found nothing amiss. Then, her eyes turned directly to his own. “I don’t know how, when, where, or who but something’s going to go wrong and you’re going to be careful. I’ve already called my parents and Auntie Inko. I’ll be equally as careful so promise me you wouldn’t run headfirst into danger.”

His mouth opened but snapped them close when she looked at him sharply. She was serious. He nodded. She nodded back in satisfaction and marched out of the room and the building then went to her proper classroom. She didn’t so much as wait for a second for Izuku’s present classmates to explode into questions nor give Bakugou’s snarling face and acidic glare a second of her time. She was too focused on her task to scourge everything her eyes could lay on for anything that might spell trouble.

–

Hah. It appears to had gotten too long to get posted here. I’ll post the 2nd half later.

[chooserecovery]

I've been in counseling for several years. The progress in my life has been more than I would have ever imagined. I still shows signs of PTSD but I function without it having a major impact on my daily functioning. Both my depression and anxiety are managed now. Where I am stuck is self-hatred. Any advice on how to truly let go. I recently relapsed with self harm & pills. I don't think it was because depression, it was because I hate myself. I've tried to work on this. I don't know what to do.

If you are still in counseling and you haven’t done so already, then bringing this up with your counselor may be a good idea; self-hatred often seems to come along with PTSD, anxiety, and depression, so there’s a good chance that if your counselor works with people who have those things, they may be able to help you work through this as well.

I know that you’ve said that you have tried to work on the self-hatred, but I don’t know you or what you have done to deal with it, so, because I’m trying to hit the basics, I’ll probably say things that you’ve already tried, but hopefully there will something in here that you haven’t.

Because working takes time and the changes are very gradual, people often don’t notice the progress that they’re making as it’s happening. For some people, it can can help to keep track of little achievements throughout the process. If you’re the type of person who likes gratitude journals, that type of thing can work for this. Or you could just have a notebook or an online writing area or whatever where you just throw in little analyses of things when they happen, such as “tried to contradict a self-loathing thought this afternoon. Felt slightly less stupid this time than it did last week.” It’s just meant to be a place where you can reflect on what you feel, and have a record of your progress that you can look back on when you start feeling discouraged. It can be whatever that looks like to you.

For a lot of people, a large part of self-hatred is the automatic mean thoughts that pop up, either when you feel like you’ve done something wrong or sometimes just because your brain felt like making noise at you. I like to call this jerk-brain. There are a couple of major strategies for dealing with this:

1. Contradict the thought

When self-hating thoughts pop up, argue against them. For example, if you’ve made a small mistake and your brain jumps to saying that you’re a failure or that you always mess things up, point out that it is just one mistake and that it doesn’t reflect on the rest of your life, think of things that you can do well or times you have done that specific task well, if it’s something that you’re new to doing then point out that you’re still learning, etc. 

The self-hatred is almost always some sort of distorted thinking, so trying to fight against it can help you to see the situation and yourself more clearly.

2. Offer yourself understanding

Perhaps the most commonly known strategy. A lot of people who struggle with self-hatred hold themselves to unreasonably high standards, so anything that they do seems wrong. A lot of learning to get past it is to extend to yourself the same feelings that you would probably give to anyone else. 

For example, it’s easy, when you hate yourself, to focus on all of the things that you think are wrong with yourself, or how you could have done better if you just were a little better. But usually, it’s over things that the average person probably wouldn’t be judging someone else for. It can help to imagine someone, such as a close friend, and what you would say to them in the same situation. Again, trying to imagine someone else in the situation can help you to see if you’re just being biased against yourself and treating yourself too harshly. Try to talk to yourself the same way that you would talk to a friend in a similar situation.

3. replace the thought

If your brain likes to throw out the same phrase as a reaction to things, then it can be helpful to pick out a different phrase that you’d rather your brain use and try to switch your brain over to using that one instead. For example, my brain used to habitually throw out “I ruin everything” at the slightest mistake. Not helpful. So I would try to notice when I thought that, and then correct it to “okay, how can I improve this?” which would let me look for a solution rather than just leading me into a guilt spiral. 

It can be hard to jump straight from a jerk-brain thought to what many would consider an obnoxiously positive thought, so it can help to take this in stages, gradually making the new phrase be more useful to you until you are satisfied with it. For example, I replaced “I just want to [insert self destructive thought of choice here]” with “I’m just tired, I want a nap,” which was easier to convince myself of than something more productive; over time I got the nap to be the default, and from there it was easier to hand my brain more and more helpful phrases instead, because they didn’t feel as fake as they did with the original self-hatred phrases. 

4. Reframe the thought

The other suggestions work well for individual actions and situations generally, but this one works more on specific traits that you dislike. It’s also particularly well suited to body-related hatred, but can apply more generally to any stable thing that you dislike. 

Basically, you just try to shift to thinking of the positives of the thing instead of the negatives. For example, if you tend to think of yourself as being too loud, you can try to mentally reframe it as being outspoken or outgoing; try to find a positive spin on whatever it is. 

That’s not to say that you can’t try to change a behavior if you feel that it is really causing problems for you. But even then, the point is not to completely get rid of a trait so much as find a middle ground where you can do things without it interfering with your life.

Also, I’d recommend checking out this page. There are some pretty useful suggestions for dealing with self-hatred.

You can use any or all of the suggestions above, depending on what the situation requires. But all of them tend to rely on you noticing when the jerk-brain thoughts pop into your head. If you already do usually take notice, great, that part is already taken care of. However, if you tend not to notice what you’re thinking until you’re already a good way into the hate-spiral, then it can be hard to interact with the thoughts as they appear. It may help to practice mindfulness techniques. If you want more specific instructions, you can find a lot just by Googling. But more generally, it’s the practice of actively paying attention to your thoughts. The goal isn’t to judge them or to force yourself to not think of things, just to see them and how they’re making you feel. After you’ve got a handle on that, you can intervene as you see fit, by implementing any of the above, redirecting your thoughts, or finding something to distract yourself. 

Self-hating thoughts, like most negative thoughts, also often seem to get worse when someone is stressed or otherwise not feeling as well as they could. So, in order to make them less frequent or at least slightly easier to manage, it can help to just make time for general self-care stuff. Make sure that you have a chance to spend a few minutes doing something that you enjoy every day, and that you’re doing all the basic body-maintenance things like  getting enough sleep if at all possible (if you have a crazy schedule, I know that sometimes it’s not), and getting enough food and water to keep your body running properly. You can also check out this flow-chart if you’re not feeling great and want something to walk you through some options on what to do next.

Mostly, just try to treat yourself like a person and not like a burden. You’re allowed to make mistakes, you’re allowed to take care of yourself, and you’re allowed to say “no, I don’t deserve to be treated this way” even when it’s just your brain saying things at you. It can be hard to try to do that when you don’t like yourself, but, like most things, it tends to get easier the more that you work on it. Some days you’re going to not feel like doing anything about what your’e feeling because you’re too tired or too irritated or just flat-out don’t want to. Everyone has some days like that. But if you can do your best to work against those thoughts whenever you’re able to, then you should be able to make progress, even if it’s just a little bit at a time.

--Luke

[jestbee]

June 23: Ships that pass in the night (Chapter Three)

[ehsbha0]

The Price Comparison Website

Introduction For someone who wants to save lots of money, and receive the simplest value for money, they'll meditate comparison shopping. Though it sounds deadening, but it can actually be challenging and rewarding. Analysing brands to seek out out the simplest value for the worth are going to be helpful to everyone. It’s not only for to urge the simplest products for his or her family, but also will help to save lots of money future . albeit they don’t exactly exercise frugal living altogether areas of your life, they will still practice comparison shopping to urge the foremost of cash when certain purchases are made.(1)

Shopping comparison now a days is quite comparing prices. Finding the most cost effective items it not the most purpose, detecting the simplest quality items for the smallest amount amount of cash is that the main challenge. That’s why comparison shopping is becoming an industry of its own.

Comparison shopping engines are suchlike a typical program , where we will search for a selected item of interest. then it comes as an inventory of price and retailer. It also shows customer review to see before buy anything.

To make a price comparison site isn't automatic basically it's a manual task. got to create automatic scripts to undertake and make automatic all that manual work. Just editing feeds manually is extremely time consuming albeit we just consider alittle range as merchants don't provide data to us during a way that the worth comparison site must work properly.

Read More Or Compare موقع مقارنة أسعار

Three steps to a price comparison site

1: Universal data feed importer with Data handling, auto categorisation, data ruleset manager, character manipulation, find and replace, delete and merge facilities. interface, administrator accounts/admins

2: Advertiser login and reporting services, universal product data services, universal site scraping services to gather feeds for merchants that cant/won’t provide them

3: Marketing tools, traffic managers to watch incoming outgoing traffic to form sure purchased traffic is equal or but the money/sales we are making from our own site for those purchased keywords.

In today’s era of low-carbohydrate diets and obsessive exercise routines,

people are more careful with food choices.(2)To cover the 21st century necessities nutriment restaurants accommodate a budget food quickly. Is that food healthy enough? Regrettably, these foods aren't always the healthiest choices. So how tourists or new people can find good foods but cheap price in their locality?

As the present economic problems within the UK is fluctuating and day by day its getting fractious , I’ve started questioning which restaurant food is that the cheapest and giving better deal to the attract their customers. i made a decision to try to to a touch comparison check, taking prices from some major restaurants. This project is aimed toward demonstrative price comparison website where people can compare foods, restaurants and value of their daily needs. they're going to even be ready to read reviews from customers who have already dined within the same restaurant they're trying to find . I even have tried to elucidate all the technologies of behind the scene of a Price Comparison website.

The Web may be a user-directed medium, where people adopt information-seeking strategies to save lots of time. they have a tendency to not seek information during a linear fashion. Instead, they believe the visual cues that give off the strongest signal that their answer is nearby. People direct their attention to those areas and ignore everything else.

Applying For AdSense Once your website or blog has several pages of useful, unique and arranged content, we will attend http://adsense.google.com and apply.

But before applying an internet site must meet the subsequent requirements…

1) Must be hosted on a real name (yourdomain.com) in order that means you can't use a Blogger blog without pointing it to your own domain

2) Your domain must be a minimum of 6 months old

3) Content must be original and unique

Selling Ad Space Once we start getting traffic to our site, we might want to believe selling flat-rate ads to other advertisers.

This is different from contextual ad programs like AdSense because there'll be charge a flat fee and therefore the ad may run every week , month, or whatever decided.

It is knowing definitely wait until having a couple of hundred visitors per day before consider selling ad space.

Using Ad Management Software OpenX If we would like to stay all the profits ourself, the simplest thing to try to to is use own ad management software. OpenX is perhaps one among the foremost popular, free scripts out here. It are often integrated with PayPal, and therefore the setup is fairly easy. OpenX supports image and text ads.

. Building Traffic to Your Site or Blog Building targeted traffic is that the most challenging task of owning an internet site .

My ability to drive targeted traffic to my site will probably be the determining factor for whether i'm succeeded or fail.

Many people assume that if they need an excellent idea for a site, the traffic will just come.

People don’t just encounter websites like they are doing stores on a street. I even have to drive traffic to my site through either paid advertising or other online methods.

This is where i want my creative cap because marketing my site effectively is

DATABASE MANAGEMENT SYSTEM (DBMS) There are two sorts of management systems (or DBMSs) —desktop databases and server databases. Basically desktop databases are for single-user applications and reside on standard personal computers.

On the opposite hand server databases include such mechanism that ensures the reliability and consistency of knowledge and also are adapted toward multi-user applications. These databases are suitable for high-performance servers and typically carry higher tag .

Before dive in and perpetrate to a database solution a robust analysis needed. could also be desktop database is quite enough for a few business requirements while they're getting to get an upscale server-based solution.

Instead of brain storming about management system we'd attempt to find answers following questions: [8]

Who are going to be using the database and what tasks will they perform?

How often will the info be modified? Who will make these modifications?

Who are going to be providing IT support for the database?

What hardware is available? Is there a allow purchasing additional hardware?

Who are going to be liable for maintaining the data?

Will data access be offered over the Internet? If so, what level of access should be supported?

Once we've acquired all the answers to those questions in our hand, we are able to begin the method of evaluating specific management systems. we will actually verify what sort of data base we should always use counting on our business requirements.

Desktop Databases Where effortless data storage and manipulation requires, desktop databases may be a low budget and straightforward solution. From their name we will easily understand that they're designed to run on “desktop” (or personal) computers. Microsoft Access, FoxPro, FileMaker Pro, Paradox and Lotus Approach are the main players during this field.

After analysing a couple of of the advantages of a desktop database, key factors of desktop database are [9]:

Desktop databases are inexpensive. Most desktop solutions are available for around $100. In fact, if we've Microsoft office, we are already a license holder of a Microsoft Access.

Desktop databases are user-friendly. knowledgeable SQL programmers isn't required when using these systems as Desktop DBMSs usually have a simple accessible graphical interface .

Desktop databases offer web solutions. Even some modern desktop databases offers web functionality that permits us to publish our data on the online during a statically or dynamically.

Server Databases Using server databases, like Microsoft SQL Server, Oracle and IBM DB2, organizations can efficiently manage large amounts of knowledge and not only that they will also simultaneously access and update the info . A server-based database provides a comprehensive data management solution for somebody who carries the hefty tag .

There are various benefits achieved by employing a server-based system which are listed below [10]:

Flexibility. Server-based database has programmer-friendly application programmer interfaces (or APIs) which will interact with almost any challenges of knowledge management problem .The Oracle platform is even accessible from different operating systems, like Linux.

Powerful performance. Server-based databases are as powerful as you would like them to be. the main players are capable of utilizing efficiently almost any reasonable hardware platform that you’re ready to construct for them. Modern databases are ready to manage multiple high-speed processors, clustered servers, high bandwidth connectivity and fault tolerant storage technology.

Scalability. This attribute goes hand-in-hand with the previous one. Just counting on to supply the required hardware resources, server databases can graciously handle a rapidly expanding amount of users and/or data.

DATA FEED VS SCREEN SCRAPING A data feed holds structured sort of products information. Data feeds are most ordinarily supported MS Excel, MS Access, or a document were every value is separated by commas, pipes, or tabs. a knowledge feed acts as a backbone of a comparison engine from which products information are often derived and displayed.

A good source of qualified traffic are often Comparison engines because products are comparable supported detailed descriptions, prices, and consumer reviews by shoppers before clicking on listing.

Data feeds are helpful in (at least) 3 ways [11]:

They can be wont to make sure the success of our marketing campaign on a comparison engine by optimizing our product listings. (One thanks to do this is to list only those products that are converting profitably.)

By creating and managing carefully our data feeds we will be assured that our customers have access to finish and up-to-date information about our products and costs .

Feeds give significant flexibility in creating compelling, keyword-rich product descriptions versus “snipped” comparison engine descriptions, which are sometimes incoherent keyword gibberish.

Typically we'd like the subsequent information in most comparison site data feeds.[12]

· Manufacturer

· Manufacturer Part Number

· Your Part Number (internal if different from manufacturer)

· Universal Product Code (if applicable)

· Product Name

· Product Description

· Link (directly to the merchandise on your site)

· Product Image URL (link on to the merchandise picture on your site)

· asking price

· In Stock? (Yes or No)

· Shipping Rates (rate for Ground, 2nd Day, Next Day, etc.)

· Category (often depends on the site)

How to create a knowledge feed with these requirements?

For large retailers or big house developers it's easy to satisfy all this requirements. except for small developers, satisfying these requirements are going to be quite challenging as they don’t have development or database experience. However they will actually create data feed manually.[13]

To do this got to start a replacement Excel workbook and keying within the headings of every column into the primary row. Thereafter, actual product information got to enter for every respective column, one product per line.After completed entering all the merchandise information, save the enter a “.csv” format. the knowledge for all the comparison engines are often edited and customised once we've a general data feed.

Comparison engine requirements might not be an equivalent . need to take care about account for specific comparison engine. a fast example would be that DealTime might want “Link” because the column heading for the merchandise link while PriceGrabber might want “URL”. All we required to try to to is save a replica of our data feed and re-label that column from “Link” to “URL”.

How to update and maintain data feeds?

Primarily there are 3 ways to urge products loaded and updated on comparison engines:

All we'd like to try to to to form any changes to our products or prices is to edit the info feed file at that location and therefore the changes are going to be reflected on subsequent download from the comparison site (usually within 24 hours).