#a bit suicidal

[shadowtraveled]

"mithrun is the only real monsterfucker in dungeon meshi" is objectively the funniest bit you can get out of his everything, but in all seriousness i think his attraction to his love interest is deliberately overstated—and that makes sense, because romantic jealousy is a classic and digestible motive, which is explicitly what kabru was aiming for in condensing mithrun's backstory, and also because until chapter 94, mithrun wasn't willing to admit to the true nature of his desires.

but because romantic envy is both classic and digestible, it probably isn’t a unique enough or complicated enough desire to tempt a demon’s appetite. mithrun’s wish, as far as we can figure from kabru’s reduced retelling, was to have a life in which he had never become one of the canaries, and that carries like 3857 implications and desires within it. that’s delicious. his love interest acts as sort of a red herring to his motivation for making it, though. (side note: i'm saying "love interest" here because, keeping in mind that i barely speak japanese on a good day anymore, "想い人" is something i'd usually take as just kind of an old-fashioned and romantic way to refer to a lover, but in context i wonder if both the connotation of yearning and the vagueness are intentional, and i think this phrasing gets those aspects of it more effectively. anyway.)

mithrun considered his love interest to be untrustworthy. there was a minute where i thought that comment might be about a similar-looking elf (yugin, one of his squad members), but comparing the two…

the "sketchy" arrow is definitely referring to the elf we know as his love interest—the bangs go toward her right, she only has the one forehead ornament, and, most notably, her ears aren't notched.

every time she’s given a full-body depiction in his dungeon, she’s drawn as a chimera, with the body of a snake from the waist down. (side note: the “what if a dungeon has chimeras before reaching level 4?”/“then the dungeon lord is unstable” exchange just being mithrun grilling his past self alive is so funny. he’s so. but anyway) there are a couple things about this.

first, the snake part of the chimera appears to be modeled after some species of coral snake mimic

which, in the biology-for-fun manga, i… doubt is a coincidence, especially with the added context of the “untrustworthy” comment. the dungeon’s conjured illusion of mithrun’s love interest was a harmless copycat of a venomous original. for whatever reason, he felt this person was a threat and made up a "safe" version of her to be in a relationship with, and while it’s definitely possible to be attracted to or even love someone you find to be toxic and/or intimidating, when you take that into consideration alongside the configuration of her body, you get some interesting implications.

which brings us to our second point: if we assume that mithrun was not in fact fucking a snake, then sexual attraction, at least, was so far removed from his idea of a relationship with this person that he did not even bother to keep her dungeon copy human enough to maintain the illusion of the option of a sexual relationship. this is somewhat echoed in the depictions of their interactions, which also imply a frankly unexpected romantic distance. she kisses his cheek and he doesn't seem to react; she's at the edge of a narrow bed with only one set of pillows, on top of his blankets while he's underneath them.

the kiss is particularly interesting because it seems to contrast the text. kabru's narration tells us this was everything mithrun could have asked for, but mithrun is there looking unreadable to pensive, likely because this is right before the panel that makes it clear things in the dungeon are beginning to go wrong.

walking through this backwards for a minute, we have the physical barrier of his bedding and the spatial separation inherent in a bed made for one person, the emotional barrier of his mounting anxiety getting in the way of his ability to enjoy the affection he sought, and... the snake, which historically carries the connotation of temptation, yes, but also mistrust, barring physical intimacy. okay. ok. if a dungeon reflects the mentality of its lord, all of this might suggest that mithrun was not able to have any real desire for a relationship with this person. his unwillingness to be vulnerable or let another person in was insurmountable. but in that case, why was she such a focal point that she remained to the end, after his dungeon had stopped creating iterations of his friends to come and visit him? why would he get so upset over her meeting with his brother that he became lord of a dungeon about it?

well. mithrun's brother was also interested in her, probably genuinely. and mithrun had to win.

you have an older brother who your parents completely ignore, probably in part because he is chronically ill/disabled and almost definitely in part because he received a ton of recessive traits that resulted in rumors that he was an illegitimate child. you are aware, most likely because those same parents fucking told you, that you actually are an illegitimate child. but they keep you around because you had the good fortune of looking just like your mother. what can that possibly teach you but that you, like your brother, are disposable?

it's utterly unsurprising that mithrun, under these circumstances, developed a pathological need to be better than everyone around him. people don't keep you otherwise. i'd argue this is also why he says he looked down on everyone he knew while milsiril claims his dungeon reeked of feelings of inferiority—he sought out people's worst traits and prioritized them in his mind to protect his already extremely fragile sense of self-worth, and all the while he tried to be as likable and high-performing as he possibly could be. his parents disposed of him anyway, but even then he tried to keep up the performance. he was kind to everyone. he never once lost to a dungeon.

when he saw his "love interest" meeting up with his brother, what he saw was himself being replaced by a person his parents had always treated as worthless, and if that was what they thought of the child they'd kept, what value could anyone possibly see in the bastard they'd given away to die? mithrun and kabru tell the story like he wanted to win this unnamed elf's heart, but it was never about being with her. it was about cementing his worth, proving that he didn't deserve to be thrown away.

and so it's particularly cruel that his demon discarded him, too. but maybe it's also particularly gentle that, in the end, there was someone who refused to even consider giving up on him.

kui laid it out in three panels better than i could hope to.

yeah. it's love. you wanted to be loved, even when the only way you were able to understand it was through the desire to be wanted, and you wanted that so badly that the idea of being consumed felt like the promise of finally mattering to someone.

[annisrealandsoami]

I, out loud without using metaphors/not saying it, told my mum that I am thinking about suicide.

Also I can’t spell it apparently. It came out as succeeded due autocorrect.

[thebibliosphere]

Sometimes, I feel like I've exaggerated my mental illness and that I really don't need the amount of therapy I'm doing, and then I'll get a message telling me to kill myself, and a not-insignificant part of my brain goes "shit, you're right."

So then I just have to sit and breathe until my heartbeat climbs down out of my throat and the impulse passes. Because here's the thing.

There's genuinely a part of me that doesn't want to be here anymore.

I've struggled with suicidal ideation for decades. And I won't lie, it's tiring to keep fighting it. And someone telling me to do it feels like permission, and well, they wouldn't be saying that without good reason, right? They wouldn't say that if I didn't deserve it...

I mean, who would do that. What kind of evil person would tell someone to do that if they didn't -- except oh. No one deserves that, do they?

Anyway. Be careful what you say to people online. Some of us might just listen to you.

[trans-androgyne]

Wake the fuck up and support transmascs, now. We are hurting. We feel isolated. We feel invisible. We feel unheard. If you think we don’t have issues of our own you have not been listening to us. If you think we all have gendered privilege you have not been listening to us. You’ve probably seen stories cherry-picked from the most privileged and passing among us, and assume we tend to be like that or on that path. It is not true. You’ve probably seen our struggles downplayed and compared to transfems’ — almost always done without actually asking the diverse transmasc community — to say we have it easy. It is not true. We are entering the public eye in a very bad way. We are mistreated for our trans masculinity both inside and outside the queer community. We are at the highest risk for suicide and sexual assault but people assume we need fewer resources anyway. I’m the one who’s had to do everything for transmascs myself in my area. I cannot do this alone. Please for the love of any gods out there love and support transmascs before it’s too late. We are suffering too.

[girlcalledwhatsername]

This shouldn't even be need to be said but don't fucking report people who express being suicidal. I don't care how much you think you're doing it for someone's own good, it does NOT help us it only harms further

READ that AGAIN

You are ACTIVELY harming those people when you try to be a goody two-shoes and tell on them when they get suicidal

Don't fucking report them to social media app features that have the report for self harm option. Don't fucking call a suicide hotline on them. Don't fucking report them to therapists, paychiatrists, cops, controlling parents or partners

It does not matter how uncomfortable it makes you - this isn't ABOUT you - it doesn't matter how much it goes against your cute little saviour complex thinking you're being oh such a wonderful kind heroic person by "saving" someone from themself.

When you report a person to any of those places it heavily risks hospitalisation and incarceration. Where I live it's technically still a crime to attempt suicide, they never overturned the law. And if you think being in a ward might help them - do everyone a favour and go check out the actual conditions in the wards and talk to psych survivors about how they actually are. Otherwise shut up about things you have no experience with.

Everyone should have a right to autonomy, especially bodily autonomy, and you don't have to like what they do with their own body for you to know not to take that away from someone. It's not your place to judge, it's not okay to be moralistic about bodily autonomy suddenly because you can't handle the reality of mentally ill people.

And it's not fucking okay to lock us in and remove us from society just because our disorders are too fucking ugly for you to look at.

If you absolutely have to help just talk to a suicidal person if they're up to it, just ask them what will help, and if you can't do that then leave us the fuck alone you snitches

And don't come at me with the law, if you had to be an ally to mentally ill people, to queer people, to women, to any kind of marginalised people, historically a lot of it has always included standing against the law and with us.

STOP REPORTING US

[uncanny-tranny]

Choosing to be alive is a hard task sometimes, so I'm always so proud of people who choose to live for "weird" reasons.

Like, yes! Live to watch your favourite show for the millionth time! Yes! Live to hear rain against your car windshield! Live to laugh, to cry, to make Naruto proud! Do all of this to live, no matter how strange it is. You enrich this world, and no matter what you are living for, it is good enough. I am so incredibly amazed at your resolve, and your sheer willpower. I hope you never forget that part about your spirit because it is spectacular.

[pearlcaddy]

pearlcaddy's 2023 follower celebration ♡ favorite lockyle scene

lockwood & co. tyburn gallows scene ↳ for @sanssssastark

[maiumeni]

Stanley, I think I feel... happy. I actually feel happy. Promise me you won't go back there, hm? Just... just stay here.

No, wait... where are you going? Please, Stanley, think about what you're doing! NO!!

I wanted us to be happy here, Stanley, I really did. I wish I still thought that was possible.

…Is it over? It's going to restart, isn't it. I'm going back.

[beneathsilverstars]

[dnphobe]

"you look lovely" and I'M killing myself!!!!!!

[annisrealandsoami]

I think I might check myself in a mental hospital in December, but I was doing a bit of research on it and apparently it’s like a 1000$ a day.

So maybe not. Unless I am able save up.

But I have my car insurance thing coming up. Plus I can’t save money for shit.

I am broke and possibly suicidal

What the hell

[vinegar-rights]

You’re down, and you’re pleading, my head is just reeling

[cinematicnomad]

THE TERROR ▸ 1.09 the c, the c, the open c

[sunny-and-the-flowers]

It's kinda sad Brainiac never finished his sentence while talking to George. I wish to know what Boomer really wanted...

Maybe Batman is right, and he only craves recognition. Or maybe there's something more?

[ruinationz]

was this joke made before

[marcusagrippa]

hi . rubicon time