#a book i'll never write

[smilefordays]

“Come here, you said kiss me like you used to and as I did I remember why we fell in love”

-dirty.five

[uaravsh]

"Promise that you will think of me when you see a sunflower. Even if we're apart, even if we can't be together anymore, even if you're making memories with someone new, even if you never see me again."

- Excerpt from A Book I’ll Never Write

[poeticjunky]

How unkind my own mind has been to me. Ruthless and unrelenting. This is why your opinion of me has no value. I am cruelest to myself.

[whisperine]

You loved me the way I needed. I loved you the way you wanted. I’m sorry I wasn’t what your heart was screaming at me to be.

[ayshashajahan]

"Once I loved as you and more

But love is little but a whore.

So much did I love the sky.

Though at the time I knew not why,

I asked her if she loved me too,

But she said not with my pale hue.

She called me dull and turned away

Then kissed the sun and they made day.

I shed great tears and dimmed my light

And so made the oceans and the night.

So my child don't you see?

Love is not for you or me."

~excerpt from A book I'll never write ~

[asphalt-nomad]

And that was when he felt it. At first it was like feeling a small insect landing on him, a small little pinch as it took a bite into him unexpectedly. But then it grew into a sharper splitting pain. As if his flesh was being opened like the zipper on his under-suit. The shock started to kick in now as the pain increased and took over with the twist of the blade. He stepped back from her, his hands instinctively going to his right side, groping at where the pain was emitting. She watched him, sullenly as he staggered back further. His crimson blood audibly began a rapid dripping sound, splattering on the cold forest ground, soaking slowly into the dirt. Confusion clouded his face, or perhaps it was the shock speaking in his facial expression. Either way she really didn’t care, or so she told herself.

Edward made an odd wheezing sounding, like that of a small animal that was lost from its own mother. He felt her blade’s hilt, its new sheath being in between his ribs. He had been stabbed before. He knew this sensation, but he’d never felt it like this. Every time he ever earned a wound by blade, he had seen it coming. The blade always belonged to an established enemy, him always being a defined target.

He managed to find his voice from the rush of adrenaline and pain that now radiated in his body.

“Elise, you were the 7th hooded one, weren’t you?” He sputtered out. His breathing was becoming erratic, he tried drawing it in but it only leaked out of his now punctured lung. He knew he shouldn’t waste what oxygen he managed to pull in, but if he was to die here, at the hands of a woman he loved, he had a right to die with at least asking for answers.

She looked at him, without a hint of emotion. Her eyes had that unforgiving scorn she only held so dearly for those she truly hated. How many times had he been lost in her eyes? Would he die lost in them now? She said nothing to him as he stood there.

“You knew I was the Silent One, didn’t you? You knew I was in that same fight as the Violent One. You knew the Knowledgeable One was my sister and that she knew the three of us were connected. You got your revenge. There’s no more Hooded Ones now, besides you and I.”

He spat, red mixed in his saliva. His breathing was labored now. She just watched. Her face betrayed nothing. Edward sank to the ground, it was too much to stand now. In the corner of his mind darkness began to creep in and he knew he would lose his consciousness soon. After everything he’d done, all the things he’d seen, the people he’d met and helped, the narrowest of escapes from death, he was to die to the person he let in closest? If he could’ve, he would’ve laughed. It was honestly fitting for him to go out like this, a boy who through it all kept his humanity, he was betrayed by the emotions most didn’t carry anymore. He trusted and loved, things he knew for men killed. She just kept watching. She could’ve been a statue the way she kept her body so still, like she wasn’t even alive, just a cold piece of stone, sitting there, not even attempting to speed his death up.

“Why?”

It escaped his lips, barely audible, practically a whisper.

“Because you never had the courage.”

Her voice was sharper than the knife driven into him. It cut and stung his ears.

“Because you knew everything. Because you let him walk around being the butcher he was. You never told me. You never gave a hint. You just acted like it was nothing. You knew. You knew how much seeing him dead meant to me and didn’t try to fix it. No you just kept to yourself and played your mind games of your own. You said you loved me.”

Her voice faltered. Her eyes suddenly had a flash of sorrow. It gave her away entirely. He understood now. She never needed Edward. She worked her way into his small cracks of the armor he had protecting himself solely to use what resources he had. She knew he was useful, this was a cat and mouse game. But the problem was, the cat had grown fond of the mouse. She didn’t mean to get this close. And now she had to see the last of the Hooded Ones die at her hand, even if it killed a piece of her.

“If you’d told me, I wouldn’t be doing this. I wouldn’t have had your sister killed. You wouldn’t be bleeding out in a forest. And I’d have my revenge in full. But you’re a fool Edward. You believe a snake could shed his rotten skin and be a man of honor. Your misplaced faith in humanity is sickening.”

He was being to slip into the void. She walked over to him, placing one hand on his clammy face. With the other she gripped the handle of her blade and pulled. It made a sickening wet suction sounded as it came free. Edward felt the air flow out. She looked at him with the fire of a thousand suns.

“You stupid fool. I didn’t want to kill you. But you made me do this.”

She stood up, sheathing the blood soaked blade. He tried to say something but just made a gurgling sound. She turned her back and strode back down the path.

As darkness enveloped his mind, he could only watch her walk away as he gave into the dark cold kiss of unconsciousness.

[all-the-golden-roses]

“But that's just it. Love isn't one thing.

Thats something hard I had to learn.

Love is a friend holding the door for you, or the guy taking you on your first date walking on the side of the street closest to the cars.

Love is a teacher printing out copies of assignments you've missed and stapling them together for you. Love is the applause at the end of a show you've worked your ass off to perform, and feeling the lights on your skin as people whoop and cheer.

Love is looking back at pictures of younger me, and knowing that she needs the biggest hug. It is wishing that I could step back five years and scoop her up into my arms, never letting anything bad touch her ever again.”

-A quote from a book I’ll never write and a letter I’ll never send

[aesthetic-solar-space]

Looking out at the sunset from the porch swing, she takes a deep breath before talking, "Thank you for loving me when I still tasted of heartache and war" He looks over from his side of the swing with confusion in his stare "You never tasted like heartache and war to me, to me you smelled like flower and sunlight and peace. Always." A blush crept up her neck, causing her cheeks to burn "thank you." she whispered before leaning into him, her head falling between his neck and shoulder. With a smile, she kissed the spot, whispering onto his skin, "thank you."

[elenaki88]

Reading love stories remind me of ours.

[weeping-wonderland-runaway]

I believe the universe has a plan for all of us and I have trust in that.

But it’s not fair, the plan they gave me isn’t easy and I don’t know if I’m gonna make it.

Why does my path have so much pain and loss?

Why does my path leave me feeling lost?

Some nights I scream loud towards the sky begging to please have a happy ending.

But the only happy ending that I have accuse to is brown liquid in a syringe.

She’s costly and I don’t mean just her price.

I’ve lost it all to her, but she gifts me with the feeling of euphoria.

Of peace.

I don’t feel so lonely while she overtakes my body with warmth.

I feel like I can make it another day because of her.

Because the universe gave me her.

The universe is unkind but they apologized with her.

H is my favorite girl.

[katerinasbox]

a novel that may be never written

I drift in and out of consciousness in my white room of noise. But it doesn't matter because I always come back in, inwards on myself and cocooned, but not safe or comfortable-horrific. Claustrophobic and hollow, the shell of something that left home a while ago, a while back. Too long ago, too far back, stretching into oblivion, because I can never pin, when. 

Oh, I sigh. I don't know when. But does it matter what time? Why can't I let it float unknown and up to question forever. I could possibly. 

My jaw feels stuck, jammed, I haven't spoken in a while. I wonder what the doctors thought of me in my gown. I miss wind. I can't breathe. I want to. Did they chop my hair off where I fell? I wander through everything. It doesn't mean everything or anything or forever. I want to wear bangles on my wrists and my hair down. Where is the rain? I miss storms. I want terror and awe and thunder. I want to breathe, I can't be iridescent, my skin is paler and probably sallow, I'm whiter, am I becoming a ghost, I don't want to yet, what would I be wearing, I wouldn't eat and no one would know me, but I'd wander through streets, unknown, and invisible, how do you kill a dead person, I'm not yet though, there is a choice somewhere, I would miss my sister, I can't let them cry, I love when the boats bob in the harbour, I really like air in forests, music is so good and I love the moon, I can't exist but I do, because I can't live like this, let me listen and think, I can hear them tweeting and the grass swaying and my jaw is still stuck and tense, my mouth is dry, and I'll miss writing in my journal, and I want to stay for sweat and tears and laughter and touch and connection and smiling and light and that film and that person and that day I remember, I don't want to leave.

"It's alright now.”

...

My mother is stroking my forehead. 

"It's alright." She says. 

I wince at the light streaming in through a gap in the curtains, the space illuminating the dust in free fall. I move my head.

"It's alright."

She repeats the phrase like a mantra, a prayer, an affirmation. Who is she convincing?

I'm not quite sure how it happens, but I am crying all of a sudden. All I know, is one minute my cheeks are dry, and the next

My mother notices and gently wipes my cheeks with her thumb. I don't have the will to move away, to stop her from touching my face. 

"I'm sorry mama."  

She gives a great, big, heaving sob and clasps my hands shakily. 

"No, my love, I am." 

I see movement, a stirring, out the corner of my bleary eyes, a shadow, a figure sitting in the pearly pink chair by the door. The figure sits up, rubs her eyes. 

I reach a hand out to my sister. I love my sister so much. 

She remains still, scanning me before taking it, getting into bed with me, nestling her cheek on the top of my head. She rubs the top of my thumb. Her tears wet my scalp. 

And we sit there, my mother, my sister and me, a portrait of three. 

And I want time to stop. I want it to let go, to surrender, and hold me this moment forevermore, my mother clasping my hand, my sister clasping my thumb, my mother stroking my forehead, my sister resting hers against my hair. 

I don't want it to end, I don't want it to end, I don't want to end.

[christowitch]

Untitled 62322

Oh my dear I’ve done it again

I’ve attached myself to another man

Who thinks the bare minimum should be enough

To satiate my desperate need to be loved

[coolpandadreamland]

At 2 years old i became a big sister. I didn't know it yet, but I would soon be more of a parental figure to him.

At 6 years old i waved goodbye to my friends and headed inside for the night. My parents gave us dinner and we were sent off to bed.

At 8 years old I gained another brother, and responsibility. I now had two children, and an older brother. I stayed in their room and watched over them, while blocking out the sounds of breaking furniture and screaming.

At 10 years old, my older brother, my babies and i were placed in the care of our grandparents. They took us to garage sales and let us eat whatever we wanted. My grandpa even let us stay up and watch scary movies while eating candy so that we wouldn't see our grandma doing drugs in the living room.

At 10 years old, i calmed my brothers as we walked into a new house with strange new people. I introduced myself first to show them that this was okay. It was good.

At 13 years old, i smiled to my brothers who loved this home, and acted like I wasn't in pain. Literally and mentally.

At 16 years old, i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and later that night i sealed my last envelope and my fate. Or so i thought. As i hid that envelope in a not so conspicuous spot, i heard my brothers laughing in the living room. I heard my family laughing, the kind that makes your cheeks hurt and your eyes water and even though you're in a little pain it doesn't bother you and you just cant stop laughing. And how could i possibly leave without ever hearing this again. Without ever joining in it, without ever knowing if it will sound the same 30 years from now when we have a family dinner and joke about how our kids are terrorizing each other.

At 18 years old I fell in love. I fell in love with a boy. I fell in love with a family. A whole family. I fell in love with being alive and looking forward to things, and even looking forward to having bad days that taught me hard lessons.

[maddsishufflepuff]

Five minute ago, you were fourteen, sitting on the bathroom floor with weeping wounds wondering how the fucknyou were going to survive.

Four minutes ago, you confessed to your mother that you in fact were not okay. You hadn’t seen her cry so much

Three minutes ago, you celebrated your 17th birthday, laughing loudly as you blew out the candles on your cake.

Two minutes ago, you went to church for the first time in years. And thanked God, that you were still alive.

I got to see all of this because the world didn’t end when I was 13,14,16 and 17

[varsdew]

you’re the song that’s stuck in my head

[fridaynightdownpour]

Last night, I had a dream you and I ended up in the same room. When we finally saw each other, we cried. We finally apologized to each other for all the things we said and did all those years ago. We had forgiven each other as we laughed and caught up on the years.

I woke up with my heart breaking all over again and crying how I will never have the closure my deepest, sleepiest dreams still long for after all this time.