#a little dramatic lightning flashes in the background

[see-arcane]

No one better say something to make Mina laugh with smug mirth in the future, they'll regret hearing it

Same vibes as this

[sagau-my-beloved]

got out of work and desperately needed to share this random sagau headcanon with the first blog i thought of and i've been binging everything on this blog recently so i apologize in advance, here goes:

whenever creator/god reader does or says something even the slightest bit authoritative or imposing in public, the wind picks up around them just enough to blow their hair back dramatically.

when they confront venti about this, he claims that he has no idea what they're talking about ;P

Oh my fucking god, the Archons working together to help make the creator cooler and more intimidating

Just, someone says something to piss you off and as soon as your face falls into that annoyed expression thunder rumbles in the background, everytime you say something dramatic lightning flashes like a fuckin murder mystery

Just like, angrily stomping away and the ground cracks behind you, loudly arguing and suddenly it feels like an earthquake all around, courtesy of Zhongli

Then of course Venti's gotta help with the dramatics, the wind will only ever work in your favor if he has anything to say about it

It's not that any of them want to impose, but a little intimidation never hurt—

Then of course that's gonna create plenty of rumors that the creator can control all elemental powers, whether those rumors were started intentionally so you'd rely on them more or just by happenstance is up for interpretation

If it were me I'd start introducing them like this

Random guy: "Why are you constantly followed around by a broke alcoholic, a broke funeral consultant, and the Almighty Raiden Shogun????"

Creator: "... They're my effects people."

Que Venti torn between being two steps from tackling the guy after he dare ask you a question without using a respectful title and laughing over the Zhongli dis, Zhongli looking downcast about the broke comment and also ready to defend your honor, and Ei trying to pull you away from the disaster that's about to happen while glaring at the others

[themonotonysyndrome]

REDACTED verse - William & Angel friendship headcanons

I don't know why, but I woke up with an intense urge to write something wholesome about these two. So here we go!

TW: A bit NSFT because Angel likes giving the Incubi and Succubi population a run for their money, lol.

On a pleasant evening, after a long day of work, William went to his favourite bakery to treat himself.

The owner immediately greets him warmly as soon as William walks into the store. Happy to see his regular customer. As the Unempowered man gives the Vampire King a rundown of this week's specialities, it begins to shower heavily over the city.

William purchases his favourites and that's when the bakery's door dramatically swings open. Lightning suddenly flashes, followed by thunder - illuminating the figure standing at the entrance for a brief moment. They're drenched from head to toe and eyes feral.

"Please," The mysterious stranger croaks out, perhaps a little desperate too. "Please tell me you still got some buttered croissant left!"

The bakery owner winces sympathetically. "You're out of luck, kiddo. This man here bought the last one."

When those feral eyes land on William, he can't help but clutches his goodie bag close to his chest in some sort of irrational fear.

Lol, but seriously, he's ready to share the baked goods with the stranger while they dry off using the towel provided by the owner. Conversation soon flows easily between them.

William learns that the stranger had the opposite day compared to his. It's been nothing but a string of bad lucks, red lights and spilt coffee on their work clothes and now they're soaking wet for wanting to buy some comfort food. He decided to buy coffee for them; hoping that it would warm them up.

It might be a shitty day for them but Angel left that bakery that night with a new friend.

So that's how their friendship started!

Their friendship dynamic is basically that one art meme where character A is the embodiment of chaos and character B is the normal one who just happens to be the chaos enabler.

William is delightfully taken by Angel's silliness and random bout of wisdom (they make him feel young again whenever they hang out) while Angel is charmed by William's gentle patience and the fact that he's 90% on board with whatever shenanigans they can come up with. That's more than David!

It's crazy how fast these two become instant besties!

"You know what's a power move, Will? Owning up to your fox pass. It's the ultimate - "

The conversations they have is hilarious:

"Wait. Wait. Excuse me?"

"What?"

"What did you just say?"

"Uh, power move?"

"No, no. After that."

"Fox pass?"

"... It's pronounced 'foe pa'."

"Yeah, that's what I said."

"..."

Cue a quick and impromptu French lesson from an incredulous Vampire King on the word faux pass.

Angel made their life mission to annoy the hell out of William by mispronouncing other various French words.

These two also do lots of activities together! Mainly cooking. Each take turns going to the other's house and messing up the kitchen.

"Does this one look like nine by thirteen inches to you?"

EX: Today's agenda is baking cupcakes. William is holding up a couple of trays with a frown and presents one to a curious Angel.

"Yeah."

"Well, that was quick."

"Look Will, I get nine inched nailed daily. I know when I see one."

Cue Will blue screening for at least fifteen minutes while Angel howls with laughter.

"The youths of today sure are bold..."

Angel also made William hooked on video games. Specifically, fighting games. William surprisingly becomes very competitive whenever they play.

"Oh, no fucking way. Will! Will, dude, is that you!? Oh my gosh, hi! What are you doing here!?"

They exchange bits and pieces of their background before both of their identities are revealed during a Shaw & Solaire Party.

Angel's outburst earns the immediate attention of every attending Vampires and some curious Wolves. Everyone watches as they run up to him.

"Oh my, hello dear. This is a pleasant surprise. I didn't know you're a part of the Empowered world."

"Hey, that should be my line! Is your partner one of the Vampires here?"

(Vincent chokes on his drink while Sam gape.)

"I oversee the Vampires in Dahlia as their King."

William chuckles. Delighted at Angel's misunderstanding.

"You're a Vampire; that's so cool! I have a question - "

"I don't sparkle."

"You're a mind reader too!?"

"No. You're just... very predictable."

Vincent and Lovely furiously whisper that Will has adopted a stray.

Meanwhile, at the sideline, David has no idea that the Mr. Croissant Angel has saved on their phone is William Solaire himself.

[clonehub]

idk if youve answered this before and I just want to ask a fun question but if you were to write the introductory ep for your character into tcw canon, how would that ep go?

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH ANONNNNNNNNNN. ive been waiting for this question.

okay okay. I have two introductory episodes, both of which feature kiki but only one of which has all of crusade squad

The first option is the mandatory gala. you get a view of Anakin + Rex fucking themselves up socially, anakin chasing padme, Rex avoiding people when he can, cody actually enjoying himself, and then an arial shot. and along a grand staircase, watching everything, is Kiki and Bliz posed like this untitled leyendecker piece

(except its cut in closer so it's only waist up. either way Bliz still blends into the background because he refuses to wear white. its' not his color)

just to be dramatic kiki calls out "General Skywalker!", which draws all the attention to her, so people can see her descend the stairs in her floor-length waist snatching titties-out deep blue gown with a custom made gold outer corset

the all the events I've outlined in other posts proceed and we see how much kiki does not give a shit about jedi morals

the better introduction would be an arc in which Kiki and crusade squad have been captured by separatists, and kiki's fighting her way out of the facility. the story opens with her actually already having broken out, but she's not on camera yet. it's droids and scientists runnning away around a corner, coming towards the camera. something explodes. one scientist says "she's not that strong without her lightsaber" or something stupid and jinxy like that.

cue kiki, in a hospital gown, coming around the corner. she activates her lightsaber. she looks pissed. she's got nice arms. she's not reeeaallly killing anyone but she's also not being nice. she's running around the facility trying to find her men (this includes ridge).

as the arc progresses, she's straying farther and farther from the code. she gets so angry at one point that she force chokes like eight people at once (cue a look of horror on Bliz's face)

she pulls out all of them but Bliz, whom she's still trying to find and free. by this point they've called for help and the evac is coming. the evac comes, she's got everyone but Bliz, they're trying to yell at her to get on the ship because she's a Jedi. she's the general. bliz is a commander (read: clone) and his sacrifice will be remembered by his brothers. the evac ship is trying to land but keeps being fired at. these details are a little shaky for me but what's next is pretty solid:

there is another Force user--someone who's being trained by dooku, someone who knows their way around a lightsaber but is not that strong of a fighter. its pouring rain. this other fighters sole advantage is that kiki is extremely tired from having to run around a giant confusing facility after waking up from bacta. her stamina is nearly nonexistent.

they fight, and slowly but surely kiki starts to win. what helps her in her victory is that she just plays dirty. fuck the rules she needs to keep her family safe. so she gets really angry, puts just enough distance between herself and the fighter, nearly knocking them off balance, and then headbutts them hard enough to have blood pouring out of her nose. in animation, it'd be really dramatic because you first see the fighter holding their nose, completely dazed, and then it cuts to kiki, who's still standing. she's breathing heavily. lightning flashes. the blood is pouring like a faucet over her chin. she's looking at the other fighter like they're nothing.

she thinks the other one is unconscious so she turns around and starts walking to where the evac said they'd be stopping to get them. she hears the other fighter get up, staring her down, silently challenging Kiki to a one-draw duel.

Bliz is the first to figure out what's about to happen and he's yelling to dissuade kiki against it. she's not listening. For Reasons, this particular person needs to die. the camera cuts to a widescreened wide shot of the two of them facing each other, kiki on the left and the other on the right. it's dark and stormy.

the movement is fast. they both lay a hand on their weapons, sprint a short distance, and the camera cuts back out to a wide shot with them on opposite sides, lightsabers activated.

we go first to kiki, her face screwed up in pain, a glowing lightsaber wound in her side. she's clearly having difficulty breathing. she falls to her knees.

then it's the other fighter. their eyes are wide, mouth open in shock. a glowing lightsaber--even deeper than kiki's--cuts them in half. they fall to the ground in two pieces.

now the evac shows up. Bliz is freaking out, they're bringing out stretchers for kiki and the members of crusade squad who are too hurt to move. kiki's alive, she's just got one less rib and a damaged lung. she's stable. bliz tries half-heartedly scolding her, but gives up when one of the medics says she can't talk bc of the state of her lung.

the episode ends probably with the ship flying away, since tcw episodes tend to end like that akjshdlfkjasdf but I think it would be better if it closes on kiki's face. she looks exhausted, but she clearly doesn't regret a single thing she's done.

[plush-rabbit]

A Shared Umbrella

Word Count: 3.4K

A/N: I hope you like it!! I had a huge Fatgum phase like a week ago and ahh! He’s just so cute and soft and I wanna be held༼ಢ_ಢ༽

Night creeps in, the sky turning from a soft orange mixed with pinks and reds and yellows, slowly turning into a dark blue, the sky darkening as little stars shine in the sky, past the light pollution, and beaming with glints of white. Your hands and legs are sore, sweat collecting on your brow and as you grip the broom in a tight clutch, sweeping at the floor, the music that plays from your phone nothing more than a distant sound, a simple background noise that isn't registered as your mind has come to a still, simply focused on getting the floors cleaned so you can lock up for the night. 

The bell jingles, a soft chime that rings and catches your attention, breaking you out of the monotonous task. You look up, clutching the broom tighter in your hand, pulling it close to your chest, mouth pulled into an uneasy line until red gloves come into view, grabbing the side of the door and a round head pops through the gap, large smile already decorated on the soft features.

You gasp, perking yourself on your tips and take a small step towards the door. “Fatgum!” A hand lets go from the broom and raises flat against the air in a soft greeting. “I was beginning to worry you weren’t going to show up.”

He walks through the door, bending down and squeezing himself through. He chuckles and softly closes the door behind him. “I told you,” he chastises lightly, “you can call me Taishiro or anything else.” His steps towards you are quick, his shadow engulfing you, even as he stands a bit far from you, his neck craned down while your’s strains to meet his eyes. “There’s no need for formalities between us.” 

You roll your eyes, turning your back to him as you walk to the counter, pressing pause on your phone. “I know, I know- force of habit is all.” You turn to face him and hold the broom tighter in your hands.

“Your own habit,” he adds, giving you a lopsided smile. “Sorry for coming late and all, I got held up with work.” His hand comes to rub at his belly, curving and giving himself a soft pat. “You know how it is.”

Your eyes run up and down his body, worry lines creasing your face when you realize that he isn’t as okay as you thought he was. You hadn’t bothered to worry about him too much, thinking that as long as he had no broken bones or bandages wrapped around him, that he was all right but now you see the bruise that forms and peeks under the yellow jacket, bits of it ripped and dirited with grime and something that has a dark color to it and sticks near his tummy. He blinks at you owlishly, eyes wide and tilting his head and giving out a soft hum.

“Are,” it comes off in a low whisper, clearing your throat, “are you okay?” You gesture to him, letting the broom rest against the counter and your hands feel sore, wrapped around something firm and leaving red prints against your palm that lighten as pressure is released.

His laugh is infectious, your lips pulling into a smile even as worry gnaws at your mind. His smile is bright as ever, stretching wide across his face and showing off his teeth. He gives you a small wave, turning around and walking towards a table, pulling the wooden seat, lifting it so it doesn't scratch at the floor. “You don’t have to worry about me, sweetheart,” he comments, sighing as he sits down, hands coming to rest on his knees. Your heart skips at the pet name, a light squeak sounding in the back of your throat. “Just a little tussle is all that happened-” he waves his hand as if to shoo the worries away- “I’m fine- still got all fat,” He gestures to himself and now you tilt your head, confusion written over your face as he gasps and clicks his tongue. “Ah, that’s right, you don’t know about my quirk.”

“I thought your quirk was fat absorption?” Your eyes glance down to where he holds his knees, palms rested and pressed against the kneepads that bulge under him. You swallow nervously, while outside, clouds start to loom over, converging together to darken the sky. “Do you have another one?”

He shakes his head, spreading his legs in front of him, hissing at the movement and your hands come in front of you, curling and shaky as his head dips, a tuft of blonde hair falls past the hood, curling on his forehead. “It’s a lot more of that,” he comments. “Uh, not to divert the conversation, but it is getting late. Are you ready to head home?”

Your eyes dart out past the window, the sidewalk dark and a low rumble sounds far away, making you raise your head to the ceiling, eyes squinting and lips coming to a pout. You lower your head and find his honey colored eyes staring into yours. Not wanting the conversation to end, you pull a smile onto your face, crooked as you scoff. “Keeping secrets already, Taishiro?” You turn and grab the broom, walking around the counter. “And here I thought we were friends,” you lamnet, dramatically sighing as you disappear through the kitchen door.

“What? Hey!” His voice is muffled and you can hear the playfulness that lingers on his words. “Oh come on, you know I can’t follow you through the door!”

You stand by the door, holding the broom close to your in loose hands, head resting against the wall as you listen to him. You peek your head out the door, hair falling to the side as a hand clasps around the doorframe. “That sounds a bit like a you-” an index finger is pointed at him- “problem.” You stick your tongue out at him, the pink muscle wetting at your dry lips. You lean away from the door, chuckling as you see his furrowed brow, lips that pull into a thin line, wavering as the corners tilt upward. 

The broom rests against the cabinets, inching down with the threat of falling and clanging against the floor. Your eyes sweep across the kitchen, landing on a white paper bag with your logo stamped in front of it, the top of it curled up into a roll. You walk further into the kitchen, hand reaching out, a stutter in your movements as your hand forms into a fist, nails pinching your skin and then your name is called- muffled and clear. And you release. You grab at the paper bag filled with sweets, crinkling it under your hand and you swiftly walk to the back door, turning the handle to make sure that it is indeed locked. 

You’re alone in the kitchen under bright fluorescent lights that cast shadows and you walk out quickly, scurrying out the door, your free hand clicking the light switches, turning your head to catch a glimpse of the darkness that fills the empty kitchen in a flash. You turn and find the off-the-clock hero resting an elbow on the table, face in his large palm with closed eyes, brows furrowed and mouth slightly parted at the awkward position. You frown, holding the bag tighter, placing it on the counter, next to your bag and keys to the bakery. Your steps are quiet as you walk towards him and outside, lightning flashes, illuminating the street for a quick second in white light, the rain clear and hitting the pavement with a pitter patter. It rains and you live in  your own world, debating on giving the hero his nightly treats. Your hand shakes as it rises, hovering over his arm where a dark patch stands out against the sunny yellow jacket. 

“It’s rude to stare, ya know?” He says with closed eyes, a lay smile tugging on his lips. You yelp, taking a step away from him, hands in front of you. He perks up immediately, rising to a stand, where you look up at him in all his eight-foot tall height. “Woah, woah,” he says in a calming voice, hunching over, gloved hands holding onto your bare ones, “I didn’t mean to startle ya, I just,” his accent leaks past his words, teeth bared as he looks at you in worry, “rested for a bit and-”

You laugh nervously, hands curling around his large ones, the thick material of the glove making you unable to feel his warmth. “I should be the one apologizing, Fat- Taishiro,” you correct yourself, “I didn’t know I had taken so long.”

“No, no,” he smiles and stands to his full height, your neck craning up and arms slightly lifted as his arms pull up, “I just needed to rest for a bit. You didn’t take long at all.” Honey eyes look down and follow your arm where it links with his, and slowly, his hands unfurl out of yours, resting against his side and your left holding your hands up.

“It’s raining,” you say lamely, pointing out to the sky.

“Hm?” He turns his head, blinking as the sounds finally register to his ears. “That it is,” he nods, pursing his lips. “I- Do you have an umbrella?” 

“Just one,” you mumble, walking away from him, and behind the counter, where a bucket rests, a lone, black umbrella resting dry and unused. “I- We can share- obviously- but I’m not sure how it would work and- oh! Your snacks!” You grab the umbrella, hand holding onto the hook and turn around, walking away from the counter and grabbing the your bag, situating it onto your body and pulling the keys into your hand a soft jangle sounding the room as you hold the keys in one hand, the ridges of the keys pressing into your skin as you finally grab the paper bag, watching deep line crease the logo. “I uh- tried something new with them so I- it’s not a new recipe if that’s what you’re wondering but it is a new design and-” you stop, pausing your words as you look up at him, a smile curling on his lips, eyes squinting as lines appear on the corner of his eyes. “What is it?”

“You don’t have to keep giving me free snacks, you know?” Despite his words, he holds the bag and unfurls it with thick, careful fingers. “Now, that’s not to say that I don’t like them- trust me, I really do- but you won’t have a sound business if you keep giving me things for free.”

“I don’t give you things for free,” you defend yourself.

“Not during the day maybe- oh wow!” he turns to you, a donut in his hand. “Is this supposed to be me?” You face flushes, warming in temperature and you give a strained nod. “It’s so cute!” The donut in question is decorated in all yellow, the letters “F” and “G” curved on the lower portion of the donut, an orange rim on the outside with a black mask-like shape on the upper portion, circular white shapes dotted with a warmer yellow and thin curve acting as a smile are all scrunched on the donut. “Did you do this?”

You hold the front of your stomach and nod. “I-uh, it was a bit rushed so it’s not as good as I would have liked but yeah.” You bounce on your heels and avoid eye contact with him. “There’s more. It’s either you on them or your jacket design.” Your hand gestures to his tummy, your bottom lip between your teeth. “Do-”

“I love them!” You turn and he gives you a wide grin. “Geez, sweetheart, if I had known you were going to give me something as cute as this, I would have brought you something.” Gingerly, he places the treat back into the bag, rolling it back to a close.

“No, I just wanted to show my appreciation to you. I know you get off of work tired and yet you still walk me home and I- you won’t take the free sweets that I offer so I- if I gave you something like this, I-”

“Sweetheart.” Your mouth closes and you look up at him, the flush on your face darkening at the nickname he had assigned to you. “I-” He’s cut off by thunder and you two look out the window. “How about we talk about this on the way home, hm?” You nod and walk towards him. “Look, since it’s raining, I can carry you if ya want. You hop in my arms and hold the umbrella and I’ll take you home. How does that sound?”

A breathless grin takes over, and you eagerly nod your head, grabbing him by the hand, your palm fitting snugly into his. “You should exit first, so I can close the door behind you.”

His hand leaves yours and rests above your head in a gentle pat, the entirety of his palm curving around your skull, fingers that curl at the base and ruffle the hair that rests at the nape of your neck. “Of course,” the pressure on your head fades as he walks out the door. “Don’t be too long, okay?”

The door closes shut behind him, the soft jingle is drowned out by the steady rain. The bakery is left pristine, a chair skewed and scratches against the floor as you push it back to its original spot. You grab the handle, pulling the door open, hearing the chime for the final time as you exit the bakery, lights flickering off with a flick of your hand. 

Outside, the rain hits at pavement while you both stand under the canopy, drops bouncing off and wetting at your shoes. You turn to him, your gaze focused on his belly where a dark stain sullies his hero outfit. It’s quiet between the two of you, the crinkle of the paper bag breaking the silence and you both start to talk at the same time, laughing in surprise and he allows you to go first.

“Are you sure you’re okay with carrying me? You aren’t too sore? I don’t want to add any extra weight to your joints, Taishiro.” You hand rests against his forearm. He’s both firm and soft under you, your fingers pressing into the doughy arm that resides under the blemished jacket. 

He sighs audibly, and with a swoop, he picks you up, curling your body into bridal style as your hand rests against his chest, legs twisting into each other as your hand clutches at his chest, pulling on the stretchy fabric. The zipper knocks against your hand and you turn our head to bury where his collarbone would be. The umbrella rests on you in an awkward angle, poking through his fat, disappearing a few inches. 

“I was the one who offered,” he grunts, a single arm cradling your body as he drops his sweet bag on the dip of your stomach, turning around to give an experimental turn on the door, satisfied as it doesn’t bulge. “You just sit there and hold the umbrella and I’ll get you home- safe and sound.”

“That’s a promise?” You ask, pulling the umbrella out of him and extending it outwards, raindrops catching and dripping past as it extends open. The umbrella angles as he steps out, coming to a quick arch and the water splashes and slides down the arch.

“Of course it is.” His steps splash the rain on the ground. “I’ll always keep you safe.”

You hum in appreciation, the hand that clutched his jacket rubs over the spot where the umbrella dug in, smoothing the fabric over and trying to feel the dip only to find smoothness. Your hand lingers on him, curving over him and coming back to rest on the bag of baked goods, pressing it close to his chest.

You turn to bury your head in him, eyes fluttering close as you listen to the quiet sounds of the city. The height of the man is not lost on you- it could never be unless you were to stand on a chair to match his height. You fit in his arm, cradled softly, the palm of his hand on the curve of your thigh, protective and firm, gripping you tightly to avoid any slips. He holds you close and you want to bury yourself in him, to feel how arm and soft he truly is. His chest cushioned with fat that rolls on him, pillowy and welcoming where as the toll of the day starts to take over, your eyes coming to a close and breath steady against him. Your body starts to rest, mind dozing and the umbrella slips in your grip, rainfall catching on his shoulder and splashing you awake.

“Woah there! You okay?” He stops in his stride and peers down where you shake the drops off your face. “You sleeping on me, now?” You start to sputter an apology, holding the umbrella tighter. “It was a long day, today?” He doesn’t wait for you to answer and goes to grab the umbrella out of your hands. “Tell me about it.”

Your hand lingers in the air, slowly falling to your lap. “Nothing special, just the usual-” a yawn breaks your words, tears pricking in the corner of your eyes- “orders and bread and you didn’t visit today.” 

“I am sorry about that,” he comments, squeezing your thigh. “Work came up- I got these work study students and-” he blows out a puff of air and rolls his eyes- “just a long day.”

You frown, your sleepy state ridding any word barriers and impulse control that you have left. “I’m sorry that you have to carry me.” He starts to oppose, word cut off by your continuous talk. “You’re tired and here I am sleeping on you and-” you close your eyes and hold the bag tighter in your hands- “you’re so nice and pretty-”

“You think I’m pretty?”

“And I just wanted to make you something but they came out rushed and a bit sloppy-”

“I think they came out pretty.”

“And you’re carrying me and you’re probably sore and you’re hurt and I’m tired.”

“I think you’re pretty too,” he comments. You stay silent, words slowly processing in your mind. He calls your name, giving you a quick glance to find you with narrowed eyes staring at his chest. “I do this because I want to. Trust me when I say that i wanted to come visit but work came up. I like to take you home because we live close and I want to make sure you get home safe. I want to take care of you,” he tells you, curving his hand slightly, pushing you closer to his chest.

“You think they came out pretty?” You ask, voice distant.

“Yes,” he nods, a chuckle slipping past his lips. “Did you hear the other part?”

“You think I’m pretty?” You ask, tilting your head, face starting to burn. “Like pretty, pretty?”

He barks out a laugh and holds you tighter. “Yes, pretty, pretty,” he repeats. “If we’re confessing things then I have to admit that I also have a crush on you. One of the reasons that I visit so often- other than your sweet snacks but it’s mainly for you.” His fingers tap against you in a soft rhythm, coming to a slow stop. “If you don’t like me like that-”

“I do,” you interject, finding it easier to close your eyes and confess. “Like you like that, I mean. You’re cute and nice to me and-” your jaw stretches open, eyes closing as a large yawn stops your words.

“Okay, okay, sweetheart,” his voice is tender, a shaky breath fanning past his lips, “how about we talk about this tomorrow? I promise you my feelings won’t change overnight- right now I can hardly think with how wild my heart is beating. So just, get some rest, okay? Lay down and sleep on my chest and I’ll visit you tomorrow.”

“Promise?” You ask in a tired voice, a quiet whisper as your eyelids drag down and sleep blurs your vision.

“I promise.” The rain patters against the umbrella, your legs slightly swinging with every careful step that he takes. His voice is soft, a gentle whisper that brushes against you, His arm holds you steady, keeping you close to his chest where his warmth is shared with you, lulling you into sleep. “Just get rest and I’ll wake you when we get close.”

[secretlysheikah]

Blood and Bowstring 

Well well well, I have something special for all of you! To celebrate getting to 200 followers on this little angsty blog of mine, I have decided it would be fun to write a little something for you all to enjoy. Its not very long, But I hope you like it! 

Thank you all so much for supporting me and my writing! I don’t know where you all came from, but I am so happy you decided to join me. Thank you!

Start Here:

Wild as he was now called was still wary of the eight other heroes, but that was to be expected considering his past. Wild had spent his adventure alone, and even now, after his adventure was done he often found himself wandering Hyrule alone. It felt freeing, not having to answer to anyone but himself. But now, being around this large and rowdy group, he realized just how lonely he had been. He still wanted to have privacy, felt the urge to wander, but as a whole he didn’t mind the others. The various Links hadn’t been together for long but Wild could feel the tenuous bonds of friendship beginning to grow between them.  

It had been about three weeks since Wild had been... Recruited? Asked to join? Added to the group, and there had been a bit of a learning curve. He had to learn how to fight in a group, which was a pain and he couldn’t just wander off anymore without being rounded up (by a wolf of all things) and then getting a lecture for his trouble. The chain, as the youngest of the group had dubbed them, had a mission, a dangerous one and it wouldn’t be good if he got lost or hurt when he wandered. Thinking of their mysterious mission Wild honestly didn’t really know what that they were supposed to be doing. Besides traveling between the different eras of Hyrule and fighting powerful monsters there didn’t seem to be much direction as of yet. Wild was pulled from his thoughts when a voice piped up from across the camp.

“Who do you think is the best archer?” Wind asked from his place next to the fire. They had just finished dinner and everyone was chatting amicably as they relaxed. This question had the group pause in their collective conversations as they pondered the question. 

“Well I don’t want to brag, but I have shot keese from a far distance before.” The one called Warriors said proudly adjusting his blue scarf before he mimicked shooting an arrow.

“A keese? Are you kidding me pretty boy, how about something actually impressive,” Legend scoffed and was playfully jabbed in the side by the brown haired boy. Wild tried to recall the name of the other boy but found he was drawing a blank. 

Wild had struggled with the names of his fellow heroes for a while now, there were some names he was able to remember easily. Like Legend, the distinctive pink in his hair made it easy for Wild to remember his name. Well that, and the fact that Legend often came off as a standoffish prick with the ability to cut your pride in half with a sentence also helped. Wild struggled to recall the name of the brown haired boy for a moment longer until it popped into his head. The boy’s name was Hyrule, soft spoken and kind, Wild liked him. Hyrule was a wanderer like himself and with the few interactions they had Wild knew he found someone to take with him if he ever had the urge to explore the new terrain.   

The conversation quickly escalated from there with everyone trying to one up each other with more outlandish stories from their adventures. It was terribly amusing and Wild had an urge to join them but he decided to sit this one out and just observe. While he was getting used to the others, he still found that he didn’t want to offer too much information about himself just yet. It would be better to have an element of surprise just in case things turned sour. 

Warriors as it turned out was quite the story teller, he boasted about feats that had no chance of actually being true. Though Wind did come up with some whoppers of his own. The conversation continued on, and Wild found that the most impressive story was told by Twilight. He claimed that with a special mask and some enchanted arrows he was able to take out a whole camp of bulblins (whatever those were) from over a large field length away. Not to be outdone Wind was quick to jump in and Wild had to hide an amused laugh when he claimed that he had to shoot a sea monster in the eye while trying to sail through a storm and a whirlpool all at the same time. 

“It was nuts! I could barely see through the rain and the flashes of lightning!” Wind said, jumping to his feet and dramatically acted out the scene. Out of the corner of his eye Wild noticed how Legend winced slightly whenever Wind described the lighting. Curiosity burned inside him and he wanted to ask about it but one look from the red clad hero stopped that line of thinking before it even got started. Wild looked away quickly when he realized with dawning horror that he had been staring but it was too late, he had been caught.

“What about you Wild? Have anything to contribute?” Legend sneered and Wild felt his heart freeze. All eyes turned to him and he shrunk down under the weight of the stares. He hated having so much attention on him, it made him uncomfortable. Wild tugged at his hood. He thought about pulling it on hoping it would release him from the crushing weight of their stares, but he found he couldn’t get it to lift up. He could feel heat rising to his face, his scars began to burn and he rubbed at them in a vain attempt to quell the ache. Wild could feel his breaths growing quick and he longed for escape and fresh air. Luckily a voice sliced through his panic and he felt the eyes of the others shift away from him. 

“Hey, It’s okay if you don’t want to share, we have plenty to go off of already,” the smallest hero, Four said, drawing the attention of the others off of Wild. He gave the other hero a short nod in thanks and after a moment of awkward tugging managed to pull the hood up and over his head. The weight of it calmed him slightly and he took special care to ensure that his face was hidden in shadows. 

“Have anything specific in mind, Four?” The soft spoken hero, Sky asked with a sleepy yawn and a stretch. Wild felt himself slouch and he pulled his knees up towards his chest so he could rest his arms on top of them. He was curious despite himself, and he wanted to know what the others considered impressive. 

“Well there was the lizalfos that he shot through the eye. That was pretty impressive given the fact that, from where he shot, there was barely enough clearance to see, let alone fire,” Four said matter-of-factly. The others nodded in agreement and Wild felt his eyebrow quirk up. He remembered that, it wasn’t a hard shot in his opinion, anyone could do that. He kept quiet though when Wind began to speak.  

“OH! And remember the moblin he took down? He shot three arrows at once!” Wind added excitedly and the others murmured excitedly. Wild hardly considered that impressive, though he supposed he hadn’t seen the others do something like that before. As they continued to chat Wild still felt the tight coil of anxiety twisting around his gut. His heart thudded hard against his ribcage and he worked on calming it while he continued to listen to the others rattle off more examples of his archery prowess. 

Even with all the eyes off him he still couldn’t stop himself from wanting to shrink down into a ball. He chided himself for being so weak, they were just talking about his archery skills. Though he could hear a distant bell of familiarity ringing in his mind. This whole situation felt very familiar in the worst kind of way and for some reason it made him very anxious, like he was being judged. In a way he was being judged, but it was all in good fun, he knew that. So why did he feel like he was about to get punished?

“Did you have any training?” Someone asked and Wild could only manage the barest of nods. The ringing in his head became deafening and he felt his muscles beginning to lock up. He could tell the others were still talking to him but they might as well have been miles away. His gaze became fixed on a point somewhere in the distance as everything began to fade into the background noise. He knew what this was now but there was nothing he could do to stop it. The memory was already pulling him away from the world and everyone in it. He took a deep breath and let himself fall into it. 

************ 

Link felt the painful vibration from the bow string as the arrow was loosed. It landed with a solid thunk into the target making a tight grouping at its center. His fingers ached, his back muscles pulled and cramped painfully and his arms were little better than chu jelly. At the shout from his commander Link stood at attention ignoring the pull and burn in his back as he did so. Back perfectly straight and rigid and eyes staring straight ahead he schooled his face into a flat emotionless mask and waited. His commander walked up to the target followed by one of his subordinates and together they studied his handy work. Link could tell by their posture that they weren’t satisfied with his shooting. His fingers gave a painful throb and he felt something warm pool at the tip of his middle finger.   

“Sloppy work,” the commander scoffed as he ripped one of the arrows free and eyed the hole left behind in the target. Link felt his mouth press into a firm line but he said nothing. 

“I agree, this is worse than last time,” the subordinate commented blandly as he too pulled another arrow out from the target and examined the fletching. Link felt his heart begin to sink, he knew what this meant. They had already been shooting for over three hours now and his fingers were little better than raw and bleeding skin. 

When they had begun with his archery training Link had been excited. He always had an interest in archery after watching the older soldiers practicing in the courtyard some years ago. But after a few rounds of shooting, his fingers became stiff and sore. His arm that held the bow had already begun to bruise and his shoulders had burned. 

There had also been little in the way of actual instruction, instead they had just handed him the bow and a quiver of arrows and showed him how to stand. Other than that he had to figure it out on his own and he would have been lying if he said he didn’t find it difficult. Though taking into account his lack of instruction he thought he was doing fairly well. His superiors on the other hand had made it clear they weren’t happy with his progress. By the time they were finished shooting for that day Link couldn’t curl his index and middle fingers and his arm had such deep bruising that just the fabric of his shirt rubbing against his forearm caused pain. 

It wasn’t until later that night around the dining table with the other soldiers that he learned that archers were meant to get braces to protect their arms and a special tab to help protect their fingers against the bow string. He found himself without words when he learned this new information. So he kept his head down and pushed his food around his plate, his apatite forgotten in the swirl of his own thoughts. At his next practice he asked his commander why he wasn’t given a guard and a tab and was met with a hard glare and a sneer. He was told in no uncertain terms that he must learn to feel the string of the bow before he would be allowed the luxury of a guard and tab. That day he was forced to practice archery until the sun went down, and it was the first time his fingers bled.  

From that point on Link had made it a point to learn as quickly as possible so he could earn his gear. But after months of practice that left him with bleeding fingers and bruises he found he always fell short of his commander’s impossible standards of perfection. Every missed shot led to fits of rage and even when he honed his skills to the point of out shooting his fellow knights, it never was good enough. A scoff from the commander’s laky brought his attention back on the task at hand.  

“Blood on the fletching, how disgusting,” the subordinate sneered as he handed the offending arrow to the commander. With a disgusted look of his own the commander ordered his subordinate to gather the rest of the arrows as he made his way back over to Link. He steeled himself for the tirade and surreptitiously wiped his hand on his pants and hoped it wouldn’t be too hard to get the blood out of the fabric later.   

“sloppy work Link, you can do better than this,” the commander said as he brandished the arrow in front of his face for him to examine. There was only a small smear of red on the white and blue feathers, but it was enough to be noticeable. 

“Look at this mess you left on this arrow, disgusting,” he said as he leaned forward and got into Link’s face. His breath smelled rancid and Link had to force himself to keep his face neutral in the face of his commander’s anger. 

“Not to mention you can’t even manage to hit the target’s center! You’re at fifty paces, a toddler can do better than that!” He bellowed and Link felt spittle land on his cheek. Link could feel a tight ball of rage coil like a snake in his gut and it was a challenge to keep his silent mask firmly in place. 

“And you call yourself the hero. Pathetic. How can we trust the fate of Hyrule to a hero that can’t even hit his target?” He asked and Link was sorely tempted to snap back. Instead he only blinked slowly, and let his eyebrows raise ever so slightly. The commander straightened and looked down his nose at him. His subordinate trotted up next to him and handed the arrows back over to Link. He took them mutely and placed them back in his quiver and waited for the next round of shooting to start. The subordinate looked at his hand and made a face at the small smear of blood that Link had accidently left behind. 

“Honestly can’t you keep your failure to yourself?” He drawled as he leaned forward and wiped the offending blood on Link’s shirt. Link felt the something snap in his chest and without thinking words tumbled out of his mouth. 

“Maybe if I had something protecting my fingers I wouldn’t leave my ‘failure’ on you,” Link hissed and as soon as the words left his mouth he knew he had made a terrible mistake. In one swift movement his commander shoved the subordinate aside and whipped the arrow across Link’s face. Pain bloomed across his face as the fletching on the arrow made a fine slice across his cheek. He felt a welt beginning to rise and before he could straighten the arrow was brought across his face once again and this time he felt the arrow snap from the force. He could feel a new welt rising along his jawline and tears welled up in his eyes from the stinging pain.

“How dare you speak out of turn! You are meant to be seen not heard!” The commander roared, tossing the arrow aside and fisting Link’s shirt in his hands. Link forced himself to make eye contact, staring down his commander’s rage with all the spite he could muster. Link watched as the commander’s eyes flared with renewed rage and he was flung off his feet. He hit the ground hard and before he could recover he found the tip of a blade at his throat. He couldn’t stop his eyes from widening in shock, this was a new level of rage and a small part of him wondered how far his commander was going to take his threat. The look of malicious glee that spread across his commander’s face sent a chill through him. 

“Not so uppity now are you. On your feet,” He commanded and Link slowly began to get to his feet, his eyes trained on his commander’s face. His breathing was heavy and Link watched for any change in body language that might indicate an attack. The tip of the sword followed him as he moved and when he was finally upright the tip of the sword traced the welt on his cheek that was left behind by the arrow. 

“I should have you whipped soundly for this insubordination,” The commander said softly as the tip of his sword once again found the soft skin underneath his chin. Link had to force himself to regain his neutral mask and he raised his eyes to meet his commander’s cold gray eyes. Link could handle a lashing, it wouldn’t be the first time and with his track record he fully expected to receive more. But the look in his commander’s eyes made him think a lashing would be a kind alternative to the punishment he was about to get. Link felt his heart begin to race against as he felt the tip of the blade come to rest against his Adam’s apple. After a moment of contemplation his commander smiled and removed the blade from his neck. 

“You know, you caught me in a good mood. Since you seem so determined to earn your guard and tab, you will shoot these arrows until your form is perfect.” He said with a small smile. Link felt his fingers give a painful throb at his words but he refused to show any weakness. With a curt nod and a determined glare Link inclined his head and reached for an arrow. The commander and his laky smiled evilly and moved off to the side allowing Link to knock and pull back his arrow to take aim. Link’s arm throbbed and blood dripped off his fingertips but he refused to make a sound, refused to show any signs of discomfort as he let the arrow fly.

******

The memory slowly faded away and Wild felt himself come back to the clearing. His fingers ached with the memory of the past and he had to force himself not to suck in a deep breath when he remembered he was not alone. Slowly he let his eyes wander around the camp. The others were still chatting about archery and looking around it seemed that none of them noticed that he had mentally disappeared. Wild bowed his head slightly and thanked Hylia for that small mercy. He knew he couldn’t hide his condition forever but he didn’t want the others to know just yet. A part of him feared they would toss him away if they realized he was broken in a way that couldn’t be fixed. 

As casually as he could he brought his hands together and felt along the inner knuckles of his right hand. Thick calluses lined his middle and index fingers where the bow string would sit when he drew arrows back to fire. He wondered how long he had to shoot in order to earn his tab that day, if he ever earned his tab that day. A phantom ache throbbed through the joints of his fingers and he massaged the pain away absently. Wild was so engrossed in his thoughts he completely missed how the hero of Twilight watched him out of the corner of his eye.

[chiseler]

Hero of Our Nation

I first encountered Roger Ramjet on a Chicago public access station in 1983. It was part of an early morning show apparently aimed at stoner insomniacs. The show came on at five and also included episodes of Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp, that awful Beatles cartoon, and a weather report clarified by some appropriate pop song (“Here Comes the Sun” or “Here Comes the Rain Again”). I was usually up and around that early for some godforsaken reason, and originally started watching on account of Lancelot Link. Always did love that Lancelot Link. But Roger Ramjet was, well, let’s just say it was a revelation.

Roger Ramjet, “ that All-American good guy and devil may care flying fool” (as he compulsively introduces himself) was a none too bright and none too coordinated drug-dependent space age superhero in an ongoing battle against the assorted forces of evil (or more specifically, N.A.S.T.Y.) to preserve the American Way of Life. He was square-jawed, straight-laced, straight-faced, and True Blue if little else, so hyper-patriotic that nearly every time his name is spoken aloud an American flag, a bald eagle, or a rotating ring of stars appears on the screen. After catching one or two episodes, I forgot all about Lancelot Link.

The show was easy to overlook, especially when squeezed between the Beatles and some secret agent chimps with a psychedelic band. The episodes were only five minutes long (maybe seven with the abrasive theme song filling out the opening and closing credits), and were so crudely drawn and animated it might at a glance seem like something a couple of junior high school kids threw together in their basement one weekend. The shows were so primitive they hardly bothered with niceties like “backgrounds” satisfied instead to settle for rudimentary suggestions of a setting. But the writing was so sharp and the voice talent so good what it really felt like, if you paid attention, was a spoof of a ‘40s radio serial like Sky King or Gangbusters, complete with a soap opera organ and illustrated by a handful of jerky drawings scratched out by someone’s kid. People who thought Jay Ward’s Bullwinkle and Dudley Do-Right were crude when compared with the output from Disney or Warner Brothers had no idea what “crude” meant. 

Looking at it today what it reminds me of more than anything are the paper cutout animations of the earliest episodes of South Park, before they upgraded to Flash. Along with the lo-fi stylistics, the humor was clearly aimed at an adult audience while pretending otherwise.  You may not find any child molestation jokes or crass religious cracks in Roger Ramjet, but for 1965 the lightning-fast humor was pretty hepcat and sophisticated, with undisguised satirical references to the Cold War, Central American turmoil, and the  Vietnam War (“Hey kids, this is Roger Ramjet,” demanding that you stay tuned to this station to see my next adventure,” Roger announces in his commanding superhero baritone. “Or I’ll see to it that all you little rascals are drafted.”) . Mixed in with the topical jokes we also get some highly unlikely name drops, from Noel Coward and Henry Cabot Lodge to James Joyce and bawdy nightclub performer Rusty Warren, as well as film parodies and  literary nods to the likes of Catch-22 and Catcher in the Rye.  It’s also a little less than what you might call racially sensitive by modern standards (consider Mexican revolutionaries The Enchilada Brothers, Beef and Chicken).

While a lot of the more timely jokes might be lost in the murk of the over 50 years since it first aired, there’s plenty of rapid-fire absurdity that’s timeless, from the misspelled title cards punctuating the narration to the self-consciously dumb coked-up adventures.

Bullwinkle aired from ‘61 to ‘64. Roger Ramjet came along a year later and Jay Ward’s influence is undeniable. The difference was Roger Ramjet crammed the equivalent number of bad jokes, references, and plot twists of a typical 8-part Bullwinkle serial into each five-minute episode, both mirroring the rapid-fire screwball dialogue of the ‘30s and the frenetic quick-cut comedy to come along a year or two later in shows like The Monkees and Laugh-In.

The episodes were produced with essentially no budget and were cranked out very quickly by a small team of writers, voiceover artists and animators with solid day jobs in radio and TV. They were all seasoned pros, some dating back to the days of classic radio, who worked on the show after hours as a way of letting off a little steam and tossing around a few cynical, subversive  cultural jabs their day jobs wouldn’t allow. The show was created originally by animator Fred Crippen  (who went on to work on some pretty dreadful crap like the Extreme Ghostbusters  and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) and Ken Snyder, an ad exec who moved over into producing cartoons. They brought in a remarkable team of voice talent and comedy writers, including Gene Moss (the voice of Smokey the Bear) Jim Thurmam (who did a lot of kids shows including Sesame Street), Dick Beals (the original voice of Gumby), and the great Gary Owens, a drive-time deejay in LA who would get national recognition soon enough as the on-screen announcer for Laugh-In. Although they would all get specific credits in the end (Crippen as director, Moss as a writer) it was a communal effort, in which everyone contributed to the writing, and everyone, even the executive producer, did a few of the voices. Apart from the regular crew, careful listeners might also catch a few uncredited guest appearances by some surprisingly big names (I’m told Sinatra and Dean Martin appear in an episode, but I’m still looking for that one). Owens was the star, though, as his ability to read the most ridiculous lines in a dramatic deadpan made him the perfect Roger Ramjet. Together they made 156 episodes (about 150 still exist), which were sold directly into syndication in ‘65 as half hour shows, each containing three unconnected adventures. I can’t say as I’m exactly sure who they thought their target audience was at the time, except maybe each other.

Much like William Conrad in Bullwinkle, each show opened with our narrator, Steve Allen alum Dave Ketchum, setting the mood and the scene (“In today’s depressing episode,” he’d begin with dramatic enthusiasm, or maybe it was an “existentialist episode,” “phlegmatic episode,” “rickety episode,”  “hairy episode,” or “ethnic episode”). Then we’re out of the gate at a breakneck pace, with a flurry of gags coming from every direction. “Ramjet rode into Boot Hill,” we’re told,  “where the men were men and the women were men, which can get pretty old after awhile.”

While none of the shows are connected, there are a few recurring characters and locations worth remembering: Roger hails from Lompoc, an actual California town (“where nothing ever happens, and seldom does”) and  takes his orders from General G.I. Brassbottom, a no nonsense military man who “hadn’t had an original idea since he was a civilian.” He’s also assisted by Yank, Doodle, Dan, and Dee, the unusually chubby  kids who make up the American Eagle squadron. Like Roger, all the members of the squadron wear their white jumpsuits and flight helmets at all times (Roger even wears his helmet on dates), and in true superhero sidekick fashion, their primary job is to get Roger out of scrapes and make sure his drugs are handy. 

That’s one little detail more than a few casual viewers have taken umbrage with. Roger, see, is a pretty hapless character most of the time, but he repeatedly saves the world thanks to a little help from his Proton Energy Pills (PEP), which take five seconds to kick in, then give him the strength of 20 A-Bombs for 20 seconds. Modern viewers seem a little uncomfortable with the idea of a superhero gulping amphetamines in order to function, but all I can say is, well, it was a different time, and hey, it worked for Roger and Elvis both.

The proton energy pills come in handy when dealing with his arch-nemesis Noodles Romanoff, the short, trench coat and fedora wearing head of N.A.S.T.Y. (the National Association of Spies, Traitors, and Yahoos). Romanoff may not have a Natasha, but he does have a gang of cronies and thugs who all mumble in unison (save for one, who can’t seem to get the rhythm). 

Along with Romanoff and his gang, Roger also has to contend with some lanky alien robots, the Solenoids (voiced by executive priducer Ken Snyder), and their repeated efforts to invade the planet in assorted ridiculous ways (in one episode, they begin kidnapping all the Miss America contestants, who “were disappearing faster than co-eds at a Dartmouth weekend.”)

When not saving the world, Roger found himself competing with the smarmy hotshot test pilot Lance Crossfire (who sounds an awful lot like burt Lancaster) for the affections of Lotta Love, the fickle Southern belle with a taste for the finer things in life.

Then there are the adventures themselves. Some seem standard superhero fare, but only to a point. Earth is besieged by flying saucer attacks (sort of). Roger’s hometown is terrorized by a werewolf (sort of). Roger plays tennis with a kangaroo, or becomes the first man to surf in space,  or, in a personal favorite, attempts to stop the flow of bootleg comic books into America’s drug stores.

Actually, there’s an interesting moment in that one that revealed just how subtle you could be even with animation this unsophisticated. Okay, so Noodles Romanoff, see, is replacing real comics in drug store racks with bootlegs in which popular superheroes are humiliated, all in an effort to destroy the morale of America’s children. After Brassbottom shows Roger a few examples (the issues include “Superman Gets Beat Up by a Chicken!” and “Ratman Stubs His Toe!”) he explains that if this sort of thing continues, “America’s kids won’t have anyone to look up to except YOU, Ramjet.” Then, for just an instant in that crude and jerky style, Roger cuts his eyes toward the camera, revealing in that moment everything we needed to know, namely that it’s what he’s always wanted.

Thirty years on and that still sticks with me.

In the end, though, the characters and storylines are secondary at best In Roger Ramjet. At heart it’s  a matter of trying to keep up with all the lightning-quick  jokes and wordplay, the non-sequiturs and references. In the five minute span of one cowboy-themed episode I counted nods to at least seven classic Western films, from High Noon to She Wore a Yellow Ribbon, and I suspect I missed a few. It really is such a dizzying blur of dialogue and bad puns and cultural references, sometimes, christ, even just references to old jokes that take the form of bad puns (“Waiter, there’s a spy in my soup” or “how many angels can swim in the head of a beer?”), that absurd as it all is, repeated viewings are a necessity to catch everything. It’s a bit like having the complete contents of an issue of MAD magazine jammed onto a single page. It can make your head hurt after a while, but it’s worth it. Whether the density and the pace make it better or worse for stoner viewing is something, I guess, each stoner will need to answer for him or herself. Lots of bright colors, though.

In 1965 there was nothing new about making cartoons with adult sensibilities in mind. Betty Boop and Bugs Bunny were made to be shown as short subjects to largely adult audiences. Jay Ward’s cartoons a few decades down the line were near-revolutionary for smuggling hip, subversive political humor into what had become an exclusively child-friendly format. What made Roger Ramjet so radical was it’s blend of ‘30s radio style with mid-’60s cynicism, as well as its foreshadowing of our shrinking attention spans, a hyper-condensed proton pill of comedy and commentary disguised as just another dumb, low-rent superhero cartoon. Although it’s barely remembered today, its influence is still evident in most any subversive animated show you can name, even if they’ve slowed things down a bit.

by Jim Knipfel

[nerdypanda3126]

The Whole World Fades Away

This was written for the @lovebugs-and-snakecharmers Sprint Fic Challenge.

The rules are three 15-minute sprints with 24 hours for light editing, which includes new writing to smooth transitions or make it feel complete. And I got a little carried away with this one when I was retyping it, so I think I ended up adding around 700 words (sorry, not sorry?)

The prompt I used this time around was Like a Movie by Cam

Read on Ao3

The brakes on Luka’s truck squealed as he rolled to a stop at the command of the red flashing lights that signaled a train was coming. The arm of the gate sprang to life and stuttered mechanically on its way down until it settled just over the hood of the truck and barred the way forward.

“Perfect timing,” Luka muttered under his breath before he shifted into park and flicked through the presets on his radio. There was only one station that wasn’t on a commercial break, and he settled on it without seeming to care what the song was before he flicked a nervous glance over to Marinette in the passenger seat. “I don’t think we’ll make your dad’s curfew.”

She giggled. “He knows I’m safe with you. It’ll be fine.”

“Says you.” He shot a grin over at her before he started drumming his thumbs on the wheel in time to the music. “He could always make good on that threat to never let me back in the bakery. However would I get my favorite macarons then?”

“You know he’s all bluster.” Marinette rolled her eyes, then bit her lip. “But if he did decide to ban you… you know you could always sneak in through my room,” she said, knowing as she said it the implications of it and that he wouldn’t take it that way at all.

He half-shrugged. “You know I suck at climbing drain pipes.” He shot another smirk over at her and she knew perfectly well he not only caught her meaning, but had brushed past it easily.

They’d been friends for so long, after all. She doubted even her parents would blink an eye at her suggesting he could be in her room without them knowing. It’s not like there had ever been anything between them. At least, not before.

Not before she’d told him about breaking up with Adrien. Not before he’d told her about wanting to stay single for a while after his last relationship mysteriously ended. Not before tonight, when she’d spent the entire time tucked into his side, his arm draped around her shoulders casually, watching a movie with his sister and his mom.

It was normally a rowdy event—complete with thrown popcorn and booing. But tonight Juleka had been in charge of picking the movie. And tonight Juleka had flashed an unholy smirk at Luka as she held up the scariest, goriest movie they owned. And tonight Luka had been whispering in her ear when it was okay to look and warning her when to look away. She could’ve sworn at one point he’d chuckled and kissed her hair, but since her face had been buried in his shoulder and she’d flinched into him as someone screamed on screen, she wasn’t sure.  

The train blared its horn on its way in, and Luka flicked the volume on the radio up a couple of notches, anticipating the clatter of the wheels against the tracks. The red lights flashed over their faces. Luka drummed on the wheel and hummed along to the song. A few drops of rain started splattering on the windshield as a storm made its way in. Time seemed frozen, even though everything was still moving forward.

“It’s like a movie,” Marinette said, then blushed as she realized how ridiculous that sounded.

“Hmm?”

She hadn’t meant to say anything out loud. She looked out the window, feigning interest in the oncoming train, while she let her blush cool. He reached over and tugged at her pigtail. When she turned back, he was smiling at her, encouraging her to keep going. She smiled back before she dropped her eyes to her hands twisting themselves together in her lap.

“It’s like those romantic movies, you know? Where there’s always that moment when the guy and the girl get stuck somewhere together and it rains and lightning strikes and somewhere in the background the thunder crashes, and…” Her eyes bounced up to his before she could stop them, and her blush flared again as she realized what her next words would’ve been. The wake coming off the train as it passed by them felt like it rocked the truck back on its heels.

“And?” he prompted after a moment.

She shifted in her seat and the leather squeaked against her thighs. “And it’s like… they’ve known each other forever, you know? But something changes in that moment and they both realize they’ve wanted to be with each other since forever, but the timing’s never been right before. But now one of them is recently heartbroken and one of them is—for whatever reason—happily single, and—” She sucked in a breath and stopped herself. Too far, Marinette. Too close to home.

He quirked his eyebrows up and smirked at her. “And?”

She didn’t dare to hope that he was doing anything but teasing her. But his hand had fallen on her shoulder and his fingers were brushing against the sensitive skin at the base of her neck and she couldn’t stop the goosebumps that raised up on her arms.

The rain started pattering more insistently on the windshield. Huge raindrops that bounced off the hood and warned of a summer downpour. The flashing red warning lights were starting to blur, until the cab was awash with a soft purple-ish red hue. The train rumbled the floor of the cab under the soles of her shoes.

“And their eyes meet,” she continued, locking eyes with him as she spoke, “and they know why nothing else has ever worked out with any other person. Because there’s one person they were always meant to be with.”

He hummed in agreement, unintentionally harmonizing with the radio. “Sounds like a great story,” he admitted. She nodded and fought back a shiver as he continued rubbing comforting circles into what she hadn’t realized was a tense muscle. “So what happens next?”

“Well…” She didn’t mean for her voice to fall to a murmur. “There’s always this dramatic pause. Where the music swells and it’s like a drum roll as they both lean towards each other.”

Was he leaning towards her or was she leaning towards him? Either way their faces were suddenly much closer, their foreheads almost touching over the seat in between them. His hand had shifted on the back of her neck, cradling her as he pulled her close to him.

“And?” he asked, the question so full of breathless hope that she almost didn’t hear it over the crash of thunder in the distance and the rumbling train.

“And they kiss,” she said, or at least started to say because before the words were out of her mouth his breath was fanning over her lips and his eyes had fluttered closed and she had closed the short distance to press her lips to his.

They kissed with the tender timidity of something new, something fragile. Although his fingers found their way into her hair and her hands had somehow ended up clasped around his neck. He pulled away, all too soon, and she chased after him before he chuckled and glanced pointedly out the windshield.

The train had passed. The flashing lights had stopped. The gates had lifted. She hadn't even noticed.

Marinette shifted back into her seat and touched her fingers to her lips in disbelief. Luka didn’t say anything, but he couldn’t seem to stop smiling as he shifted back into drive and the truck lurched into forward motion again. She glanced at the clock on the dashboard and they had missed her curfew already.

“Guess you’d better work on learning to climb those drain pipes,” she managed to say, her tone half-teasing, half-bewildered.

His hands tightened around the wheel—a subtle sign that not only the implication, but the actual possibility had hit him full-on this time. When he’d recovered, he glanced over at her and shot her a bright grin.

“We could always say the movie ran long.”

He laughed as she probably turned beet red, then reached over to grab her hand and twine his fingers through hers. After another glance over at her, he brought their joined hands to his lips and pressed a kiss to the back of her hand.

He held her hand the rest of the drive, only breaking his grip to shift when he needed to, and when they got home her dad took one look at their joined hands and swept Luka up into a giant bear hug.

She thought she heard her dad mutter something like, “About damn time,” in Luka’s ear as he set him back on his feet and Luka gravitated back to her side.

Luka shrugged as she tucked herself back into the familiar place under his arm, and he squeezed her to him. He hadn’t stopped smiling, and neither had she. He turned his head to catch her eyes before he tucked a finger under her chin and stroked her cheek gently.  

“What can I say?" he asked softly, "when it's right, it's like a movie.”

[hottestthingalive]

a storm in your eyes (lightning and dark skies)

It is then, with Virgil curled up against him, wet hair soaking Logan’s neck and the smell of hot chocolate in the air, that Logan realizes he loves a thunderstorm in human form. 

His best friend.

Oh, god, Logan is in love with his best friend. And also his roommate. And also his favorite person in the whole of the universe.

(He’s pretty sure that if Virgil could hear his thoughts, and if, y’know, Virgil wasn’t the person in question, he’d roll his eyes and say, “Oh my god, they were roommates.” The idea nearly makes him laugh.) 

–

Notes: Thank you so much to @snek-snacc, @smileyzs, @confused-sunflower, @xaimelarks​, and all my other followers for putting up with me ranting about this story, and helping me edit. Y’all are the best!

Edit: After publishing this, I got this AMAZING piece of art from @ent-is-undecisive / @birdsongisland! Go check them out, because they’re insanely talented, and looking at this piece makes me so so so happy!

Two sequels also exist for this now! 

waffles and wedding vows (promises and proof)

songs and stars and silence (of loving you)

Hope you enjoy!

Relationships: Romantic Analogical, background romantic Royaliceit, background romantic Intrusleep/rem^2, platonic drlamper

Words: 6885

Ao3

–

Logan Sanders falls in love with a thunderstorm.

Well, not a thunderstorm, exactly. As far as Logan knows (and he knows quite a lot), a tempest, no matter how powerful, cannot take the form of a human.

Still, the first time the boy with a hurricane’s eyes enters Mugnificent (the coffee shop Logan very reluctantly works at), he swears the smell of ozone fills the air. 

His name is Virgil Foley, and he sweeps into Logan’s life like a summer storm, filling it with wind and chaos and unmatched wild beauty. 

The first time they meet, it is 5:26 in the morning, and he’s considering revolt. Yes, he needs this job to supplement his scholarship, but being up this early is awful enough to warrant mutiny. Besides, customers are few this early in the day, and thus the tip jar is woefully empty. 

The door opens with a ding 

(there is a smell like lightning)

and in walks a person with dark hair tied in a bun under a black beanie, rummaging around in their backpack. Their bag is covered in pins, and Logan notes a rainbow one near the center. 

“Hey,” they say, and he meets eyes the color of stormclouds, a grey bordering on purple and blue simultaneously. “Can I just get a small coffee, please? Black is fine.” 

“Yeah,” Logan nods. “Name?”

They glance around the empty Mugnificent with a raised eyebrow, but reply with “Virgil,” anyways. 

“Nice to meet you, Virgil,” says Logan, and he’s not normally one for small talk, but he also is sleep-deprived, and too tired to have any sort of filter. “I’m Logan.”

Virgil relaxes, and they hold out a hand for him to shake. “Nice to meet you, too. I use he/him pronouns, by the way.”

“Ah, yes,” Logan nods, returning the handshake. “He/him for me, as well, thank you.”

Virgil pays and waits by the counter as Logan goes to prepare the coffee, scrolling through his phone. There is a comfortable silence as he makes the drink, which Logan spends mentally cursing out Roman, his coworker who was supposed to arrive for work thirty minutes ago. “Here,” he says finally, holding out the cup for Virgil to take. 

“Thanks.” Virgil is wearing fingerless gloves, and his nails are painted a bright purple. They shine in the fluorescent lighting. “Have a nice day, Logan.”

“You too,” he replies, and it seems too little. Logan doesn’t believe in magic, or gods, or destiny, but as he watches Virgil turn, about to walk out the door, something twangs in his chest. Despite himself, Logan opens his mouth, searching for something to say, anything that will make him stay. 

He blinks, about to speak, and Virgil is gone.

A few minutes later, it begins to rain. 

–

The second time he meets Virgil, it is in his psych class. 

Logan has always liked psychology. It’s fascinating how the human brain works, he thinks, and even if he isn’t always so good at understanding emotions, he’s quite good at the science behind them. His appreciation for said science is the only reason he signs up for the class at all, when it has practically nothing to do with his astrophysics major. 

He’s just about forgotten about the boy with eyes of a storm by the time he sits down for the first psychology class of the semester, pulling his computer and textbooks out of his own bag, and setting them before him. Logan cracks the knuckles on each hand individually, a nervous habit he’s had since he was in high school. He’s done his best to break it, but he supposes, as annoying as it is, it’s better than some of the alternatives.

Case in point, the boy from Mugnificent, who walks into the room nervously tapping his thigh while chewing at his lip. There’s a split in it, one that shines a bright red against the chapped surface, and Logan wants to wince just looking at it. 

His eyes flash with recognition as he spots Logan in one of the back rows, and he pauses. “Logan, right? From the coffee place.”

“And you’re Virgil,” Logan smiles, and okay, maybe he hadn’t forgotten Virgil so much as attempted to forget him. 

“Can I sit there?” he asks, nodding to the seat beside Logan. 

It turns out Virgil is smart, and funny, and just a little bit snarky, and a English major minoring in psychology. He’s got all kinds of nervous habits, chewing on his lip and tapping out rhythms known only to him and drawing on every available surface, and Logan often notices a tendril of ink wrapping around one of his fingers from under his gloves. 

They become fast friends, him and Virgil, bonding over a love for space and science and poetry. He starts coming to Mugnificent for coffee more often, and Roman teases Logan incessantly about it. 

“You’re finally making friends!” he pretends to sob, throwing his arms around him, and he has to shove Roman away, rolling his eyes. Virgil is stifling a laugh behind one gloved hand, and Logan mouths ���Traitor,” at him, though he isn’t really mad at all.

They fall into patterns -- psych and history and statistics together, always seated side by side, sometimes accompanied by Roman or Patton or Remus or Janus or any one of their expanding circle of friends. The two of them buy each other coffee, edit essays, go out for junk food (that Logan complains about but secretly loves) with their friends. 

Virgil begs to paint Logan’s nails one night as they watch documentaries together in Patton and Virgil’s dorm room. His tongue sticks out of his mouth slightly as he focuses on the tiny white dots he’s adding, and Logan ends up loving the night sky that graces his fingers. In return, Logan styles Virgil’s long hair into a crown of braids. 

“Your Majesty,” he bows as he leads Virgil to the mirror. 

“If I’m royalty now, I demand a feast to celebrate,” Virgil grins, admiring his hair. “Sir Logan, this calls for pizza!”

“All the junk food you consume is going to kill you one day,” Logan sighs, but he’s already dialing their favorite pizza place.

They eat dinner seated on the floor, holding paper plates and drinking soda as they watch Cosmos. Patton returns to the dorm a few minutes later, accompanied by Janus and Roman both, and snags some of the pizza for himself – luckily, they’d thought to order extra, as soon Remus, Remy, and Emile all show up, too, crowding into the dorm room and around Logan’s laptop. The documentary is switched to Big Hero 6, Virgil showing off his hair and Logan his nails as the others admire them. Soon Virgil is breaking out his nail polish again, painting delicate puppies on Patton’s fingers, and Logan is teaching Roman how to do the same hairstyle on Emile’s curls. 

It’s a Saturday night, so they feel comfortable all crashing in Patton and Virgil’s room, squeezing far too many young adults into one small space. Emile giggles that it reminds them of sleepovers they went to when they were in elementary school, and Remus points out that they ought to play Truth or Dare with a manic grin. Virgil quickly puts a stop to that, however, distracting Remus with conspiracy theories and carving marshmallows to look like Lovecraftian monsters, and Logan wants to laugh because Virgil is very much a mom friend, despite his protests to the contrary. Still, as he sips hot cocoa with a marshmallow Cthulhu staring up at him from the mug, he has to admit it was a good idea. They all get into the fun, carving marshmallows with whatever cutlery Patton and Virgil have in their room, and eventually Monster Mallows will become a tradition for all of their friend group. 

When he falls asleep that night, lying on the floor in the blanket fort Patton and Roman had insisted on building, he dreams of rain and lightning, across dark skies that resemble Virgil’s eyes. 

–

Logan realizes Virgil is his best friend in the middle of winter, when he shows up at Mugnificent at the end of his shift, ordering two coffees and taking them as Logan gets ready to leave. “Sorry, Roman,” Virgil says, though he doesn’t look sorry at all as he hands Logan one of the drinks and reaches out to hold his other hand. “C’mon, L, we’ve got to hurry if we’re going to get there in time.”

“Where are we going?” Logan raises an eyebrow, throwing on his coat and waving goodbye to Roman (who is saying something dramatic about a grievous betrayal) as he sips at the coffee. It’s perfect, his order exactly. 

“Look!” Virgil grins as they leave the coffee shop, and it’s snowing, white flakes falling around them and coating the ground. Some of the cars nearby are already covered in it. “C’mon, we’ve got to get to the park.” 

“Wait, why?” he asks. “Virgil, this looks rather like the makings of a blizzard. We should probably go back to our dorms so we can prepare if we get snowed in.”

“I know it’s a snowstorm,” Virgil rolls his eyes, and his stormy eyes are bluer than Logan’s ever seen them, shining with excitement. “Now, let’s go!”

Logan should probably argue more, but he’s laughing as he gets pulled along, the two half-running towards the park. 

They slow down at the top of a hill already lightly coated with snow, and Virgil reaches into his bag to pull out a picnic blanket. “No,” Logan protests, but he’s cackling as Virgil yells “Snow picnic!” and spreads it over the snow. 

“This is going to turn into a blizzard,” he manages to say, stifling his giggles. “We are going to be buried alive because you wanted to have a picnic in a snowstorm.”

“Oh, shush,” Virgil grins, flopping down onto the blanket and digging into his bag again to retrieve two bagels wrapped in tinfoil. “Drink your coffee and watch the snow with me, Logan Sanders.”

The bagel he hands Logan has Crofters jam instead of cream cheese spread across it, still warm from toasting, and Logan could kiss Virgil if they weren’t very platonic…

Well, it feels like they are a whole lot more than friends, at this point. There’s something about their relationship that feels different from the ones Logan has with their other companions, be it Remus or Emile, Patton or Janus, Roman or Remy. 

Are they best friends?

He asks, and Virgil merely grins and says “I hope so.” 

It’s amazing, lying there as they watch the sky, munching on bagels and sipping at their coffee and pointing out oddly shaped clouds. Virgil is practically covered in snowflakes by the time they have to leave, the wind picking up too much to stay, and Logan is no better. Still, he thinks it was worth it, even when he gets a cold and has to spend the weekend curled up in blankets, sneezing and coughing as he works on his essay for his cosmology class. Virgil gets a cold, too, and they end up on the phone together as they work, Virgil blasting music on his end and Logan parroting his roommate’s consistent reminders to take medicine, and drink some water! 

Emile seems to think it’s cute, for some reason, and they tell Logan to say hi to Virgil for them, a smile playing on their lips that he’s too sick to interpret. 

–

Logan has a crush on a boy in their shared statistics class by March, the one who sits three rows in front of him and two seats to the right, who has green hair and a cheerful grin. Virgil listens patiently about it whenever Logan brings it up, and when they have to pair up for a final project, he pushes him towards his crush, joining Remus instead.

He finds out his crush already has a romantic partner in a strictly monogamous relationship when they’re nearly done with the project, and Virgil shows up to Logan’s dorm room with ice cream and his laptop that night, pulling aside Emile as he comes in and whispering something to him. Emile leaves shortly after, and the two of them are alone.

“What did you tell Emile?” Logan asks later, when they’re sitting on his bed and watching trashy teenage romcoms, because, according to Virgil, “This way, you won’t associate any good movies with this.” 

“Well, Patton invited him for a ‘sleepover,’” Virgil says, eating directly from the carton of chocolate ice cream, gaze shifting from the screen to Logan. “Did the moment he saw your text on the groupchat.”

Logan had texted that his crush has a partner when Roman had begun teasing him about it on said chat. Looking back, it may not have been the best of decisions, but all he wants to do right now is curl into the comforter and watch bad movies, while simultaneously eating unholy amounts of ice cream. 

“It’s not a big deal,” he protests, pulling the blankets closer around him. 

“Listen, L, you’re sad ‘cause the boy you like… well, you know. Anyways, you being sad is a big deal, at least to us.” Virgil isn’t wearing his normal clothes, only a pair of pajama pants and a sweatshirt (Logan knows he ran over in his nightwear, which makes him feel worse), so he can see the ink covering his hands, smudged in places.

“Why do you draw on yourself so much?” He leans over to look at the patterns of spirals winding their way up Virgil’s arms, tracing them with one finger. “That much ink can’t be good for your skin, pretty as it is, Vee.”

Virgil bats his hand away, blushing behind his curtains of dark hair, and Logan laughs. “It’s just a nervous habit, okay?” he exclaims, and Logan pokes his cheek, cooing. 

“Aw, lookit you,” he smiles, and even though Logan’s heart hurts from what happened with his crush, he doesn’t think he would trade anything for his friendship with Virgil Foley. “So cute.”

“I’m not cute,” Virgil grumbles, pressing play on the computer. “Watch the shitty movie and shush, nerd.”

He gets over the boy from statistics eventually, and gets an A on the project, which Roman insists they celebrate with breakfast at Logan’s favorite diner on campus. (Logan’s pretty sure Roman just feels guilty about teasing him about it, but he goes anyways, pulling his friend aside later to tell him it’s fine.)

–

They return from summer vacation changed. Janus, Patton, and Roman are dating now, for one thing, and it’s disgustingly sappy. Emile comes out as asexual and aromantic a few days after they get back, and Logan helps them hang flags in their dorm room when they arrive a week later. Remy has switched majors, from biology to culinary classes, and Remus tells them excitedly that he’s managed to start a rather popular horror comic online. (Logan reads it, and learns Remus is quite adept at art, writing, and scaring the crap out of him. He never looks at door knobs the same way again.) Virgil, meanwhile, has started wearing far less baggy clothes and more makeup – in other words, people around campus start realizing that Virgil is actually hot, and not just a relatively cute bundle of sweatshirts. 

Logan kind of feels weird about it. He knows how aesthetically pleasing Virgil is, of course – they’ve spent enough time together for him to have figured that out – but… well, Logan had realized while he was away how much he’d missed Virgil, even more so than his other friends. He tells himself it is because of how close they are, and ignores the ugly anger in his chest when people flirt with Virgil, or how his heart pounds and face flushes when they curl up to watch movies these days. 

As for him, well, he’s dyed his hair a dark blue, a color so dark it’s almost black. Roman marvels over it, asking how he managed to not damage his hair in the process, and Logan doesn’t feel like telling him that he had meant to do a brighter shade, but hadn’t realized how hard it would be to get proper color without bleaching his normal dark hair. He does end up telling Virgil later, though, when Remy and Patton drag them and the rest of their friends to a party.

For the record, Logan tended to avoid such events. He didn’t see the point, firstly – he’d never been a fan of crowds, especially not ones where everyone was drunk off their asses, and he generally had too much work to do to bother with parties. Secondly, he simply didn’t care enough to look nice for such a thing, or to go at all. Logan would much rather spend time with his friends if he had to be up in the middle of the night, whether haunting the 24/7 diner a few miles off campus or playing stupid games in the woods or making fun of Disney movies while throwing popcorn at the screen and shushing each other so they didn’t get noise complaints. 

But then there were Patton and Remy, social creatures who liked seeing other people and didn’t mind getting wasted to do so. Roman and Janus typically followed Patton wherever he went, so they were a given, and Remus had developed a raging crush on Remy by then, so he’d probably have tagged along even if Remy hadn’t grabbed his hand and said “You’ll come, right, Ree?” with a grin. 

Well, Remus was lost to them after that, and that left Emile, Logan, and Virgil alone.

Which would have been fine! Except then Virgil had got dragged in by Patton (a difficulty of being his roommate, according to Logan’s best friend, was that Patton was very, very persuasive when he wanted to be) and Virgil had begged Logan to come for “Introvert solidarity, L! Introvert solidarity!”

Then Emile had sighed, said something about being the only responsible one, and appointed themself designated driver. So Logan didn’t even have that excuse to pull himself and Virgil out of it early. 

He finds himself on a couch in someone’s house, sitting besides Virgil. Janus tells him that it is owned by someone who goes to their college but lives nearby, a summer home belonging to their parents or something. Janus says ze aren’t sure who the actual host is, and ze run off to go find Roman or Patton before Logan can ask why all of them are attending a party hosted by someone they don’t know.

Virgil has obviously already had something to drink, or he’s insanely sleep-deprived, as he has started playing with Logan’s hair. Logan’s willing to bet on the former (although knowing Virgil, he can’t be sure – he has an awful sleep schedule) especially since he’s never known the other to be so touchy, even when tired. 

“How’d you get it like this?” Virgil asks, running his fingers through Logan’s curls. He’s perched on top of the couch, and though he would normally be concerned that Virgil might fall, Logan is just glad he doesn’t have to bend over so his friend can examine his hair. 

He tells Virgil, and can’t help but smile as he laughs, perhaps a little more than the story warrants. They sit there in peace for a few minutes, Virgil humming along with any song he recognizes and Logan scanning the room for any of their friends. 

“Your hair is so pretty,” Virgil eventually says, and Logan is surprised he can hear him at all over the noise of the music and other people. He slides down from the couch to sit beside him, reaching up to poke Logan’s cheek. “You’re pretty. You know that, right? You’re real, real pretty.”

“Aw,” Logan grins, hoping the dim lights and Virgil’s addled brain will hide his red cheeks. “What is it you say? Oh, right; you think I’m warm.���

“No, dummy, I think you’re hot,” Virgil sighs. “Get it right.”

“Why, thank you.”

“‘Course. You’re my best friend, Logan Sanders.”

“Same,” he replies, dodging Virgil’s attempt to flick him as he scans the room. “Have you seen Remy or Remus around recently?”

“Oh, they’ve been making out in that closet over there,” Virgil says offhandedly, pointing, and Logan nearly chokes. “You didn’t know? They’re so obvious, Remy’s been whining about it to me for weeks. ‘Oh, Virgil, I’m doomed to be alone forever!’ ‘Oh, Virgil, Remus is so hot, and I’m going to whine about it to you for hours!’ ‘Oh, Virgil, I have a crush on a trash rat man and I won’t stop talking about it ever!’”

“Did Remy actually call Remus a ‘trash rat man’?” he snickers, turning to look at Virgil, who is wringing his hands in mock despair as he imitates Remy.

“No,” Virgil pouts. “Wish he had. Remus would love that.”

“He would,” Logan agrees, rolling his eyes fondly. “Hey, do you want to leave?”

“Why, Logan Perfect-Hair Sanders, are you asking me to ditch a party with you?” he laughs.

“That isn’t my middle name and you know it.” Logan shoots off a text to Emile, standing and turning to grab Virgil’s hand, pulling him upright. “But sure. Will you, Virgil Emo-Nightmare Foley, ditch this absurd party with me?”

“Logan, I thought you’d never ask,” Virgil smirks. “Let’s bounce!”

They get lucky – Logan hasn’t had anything to drink, and due to how large their group is, Virgil had had to drive over Patton, Janus, Roman, and himself earlier. Virgil hands him the keys to the car, and Logan drives them to the nearby McDonalds, where they order fries and milkshakes. “Let’s go somewhere high,” Virgil says when they return to the car, grinning, and Logan obliges, driving them to his favorite stargazing spot near campus, partway up a mountain in a parking lot for an old playground. 

Soon, he finds himself sitting on the hood of Virgil’s car, dipping his fries in a chocolate shake as the two of them stare up at the stars and the moon, pointing out constellations. “Look,” giggles Virgil, his head on Logan’s shoulder as he traces lines between stars. “It’s the glasses one!”

“There is no ‘glasses’ constellation, Virgil,” he points out, but the path his friend is etching into the sky does look rather like a pair of glasses. 

“Well, there is now,” replies the other. “It’s your constellation! You deserve one, y’know, ‘cause you’re pretty, and smart, and nice, and funny, and you’re just the best, Lo, okay?”

“How much did you have to drink, exactly?” Logan asks, raising an eyebrow, and his friend punches him in the arm, lightly. “Ow!”

“I’m telling the truth,” Virgil rolls his eyes, pulling the blankets they’d retrieved from the trunk closer around the two of them. “You deserve a constellation. You deserve the universe.”

“Well, now we have to find you a constellation, too,” he muses, ignoring the heat in his cheeks (he seems to be blushing quite a lot lately, talking to Virgil) as he searches the sky. It takes a few minutes, and Virgil is half-asleep on his shoulder by the time he makes his choice, but finally Logan says “I found it.”

“Well, lemme see,” Virgil mumbles, opening his eyes. 

He traces lines between a series of stars. “It’s a cloud,” he explains, “and a lightning bolt. Because you’re a thunderstorm, V.”

“Isn’t that a bad thing?” He’s biting his lip, suddenly subdued, and Logan feels a surge of guilt, because no one should ever make Virgil look like that, anxious and hurt and scared all at once.

“No,” he answers, fiercely enough that Virgil jumps slightly. “You’re wild, and chaotic, and occasionally a bit destructive, but you also make people feel alive. You bring rain to help things live, you bring the sound of a storm and the beauty of lightning, you simultaneously wake me up and help me sleep. You are beautiful, and inspiring, and so amazingly you, and the best friend I could ever ask for.”

“...And I thought I was the English major,” Virgil says quietly, and his face is bright red. “You have no right to be better at words than me, Sanders.”

“Well, Foley, I’m the astrophysics major, and you’re the one who started making constellations, so turnabout’s fair play,” Logan replies, and Virgil lets out a laugh at that.

Later, when the fries and milkshakes are both gone, they get back into the car and drive back to their dorms. For Logan’s birthday that year, a month or so later, Virgil presents him with a painting of the glasses constellation. He’d commissioned Remus, he explains, staring at his feet, and Logan tells him he loves it. For Virgil’s birthday, he gets a similar art piece from Roman, of the stars making a storm, and Virgil pulls him into a tight hug.

For now, though, the two of them simply sit and gaze into space. 

–

Logan goes on a few dates with someone he meets at the coffee shop, named Andy. They become boyfriends. Virgil teases him about it whenever he brings it up, and eventually he stops talking about his partner to his best friend. The two of them start to pull apart, their friendship strained.

When Logan and Andy separate, Virgil is dating a girl he’s only met a few times, who shares Virgil’s English classes and wears colorful barrettes to hold back her curls.

He hadn’t even known Virgil liked her. 

–

College passes by quickly. They graduate, and Logan tumbles into a job at a rather prestigious observatory. He lives in a small apartment in the city nearby, buys coffee from the Starbucks across the street every morning, settles into a routine.

Gradually, they all start to fall out of touch. It sucks, but things have been off between Virgil and him ever since Logan had dated Andy Michaels, and at the moment Logan sees his ex-boyfriend more than his ex-best friend. Their relationship had ended amicably, but still – he misses Virgil Foley, more than he’d ever like to admit. 

A year or so later, Logan receives the invitation to Remy and Remus’ wedding. 

It is in the fall, and Logan isn’t surprised in the least that they plan to have it in a forest, if only because he knows that the odds of Remus wanting the guests to jump into leap piles with him are absurdly high. At least they’re at an actual wedding site, so they can be inside if needed – Logan half expected, when he found out they’d gotten engaged, for them to drag a bunch of guests to a Starbucks for the event. 

What does surprise Logan is the fact that Remus has apparently sent it early, because Logan is going to be one of the wedding party attendants. 

He calls Remus and Remy that night, certain they’ve mixed up things, but Remy simply laughs. “Logan, you’re still one of our best friends,” he says. “Come on, please?”

“Besides,” Remus adds, “Virge will be one too, and Patton and Roman and Jan and Emile! You can’t break up the team!”

He ends up agreeing, and no matter how much Remy teases him about it later, it was not just to see Virgil again. 

The wedding rolls around. Logan has managed to avoid speaking to Virgil for more than a friendly greeting and a bit of small talk through all the preparations the two of them had had to attend, but the they both arrive early on the day of, and Logan doesn’t know anybody else, and, well, he does miss Virgil. 

“Hey,” he says. Virgil is nearly as tall as him in the heels he’s wearing (Logan had managed to opt out of them, convincing Remus to let him wear flats with his dress), and his green dress offsets his stormy eyes perfectly. Logan doesn’t think he looks nearly as good in the color, but he’d decided not to argue with Remy’s puppy-dog eyes. Besides, he much prefers the dress to the suits Emile and Patton had opted for. 

“Hi, Logan,” Virgil replies. The tension in the air is palpable, and Logan hates it. “How’ve you been lately?”

“I’m good,” he answers. 

“Oh, good,” nods Virgil. He’s gnawing at his lip again, and Logan can see the split in it even through the lipstick. “Me too.”

“I miss you,” Logan says suddenly, because he does. “You were my best friend, and I hate not being close, because you are one of the best things that ever happened to me.”

“...I miss you too.” He smooths his dress, looking out the window at the trees, and then laughs. “I’m surprised they didn’t have their wedding in a Starbucks, honestly.”

Logan can’t help but chuckle at that, especially when he spots Remy breezing past them, a coffee cup in hand and makeup only half-done, frantically trying to catch his little brothers and sister, whom he and Remus had appointed flower children. “I thought the same thing,” he admits. 

It’s easy for the two of them to talk, after that, sharing jokes and telling stories and talking about their new lives. Logan feels oddly happy when he learns Virgil is single, and when he mentions how he’s looking for a roommate and Virgil remarks that he is too, it feels as natural as breathing to ask where he’s currently living. Finding out they live in the same city makes Logan feel strangely elated. 

“Help!” Remus exclaims, skidding to a stop in front of them, collapsing into Virgil’s arms and only barely being caught. “I’ve lost my husband-to-be!” 

“Alright, please calm down,” Logan says, exchanging exasperated looks with Virgil, who pulls Remus back to his feet. “Have you actually lost Remy, or are you just being overly dramatic?”

“He has been stolen from me,” Remus whines. “We were kissing, and then he was dragged away by my evil brother!”

“By any chance, was he dragged away to prepare for your wedding? The event we’re attending, so you two can get married? The one that most guests are expected to arrive for in fifteen minutes?” Virgil crosses his arms over his chest, eyes narrowed. 

Remus’ eyes widen. “Fifteen minutes?” he asks, checking Logan’s watch, and groans. “Oh, drumsticks. Drumsticks torn right off a chicken. Bloody chicken legs everywhere.”

He darts off, and Logan and Virgil sigh simultaneously.

“We should go help, shouldn’t we?” Virgil asks, and Logan nods reluctantly. “Well, it was great to talk to you.”

“It was pleasant to speak with you, as well,” he agrees. 

As he turns to go find Patton, Virgil grabs his arm. “Hey, L, save me a dance, okay?”

They do indeed dance together that night, after they watch Remy and Remus get married among the colorful leaves, and talk, and laugh, and by the end of the wedding they are good friends again.

Virgil and Logan move in together by the end of November. 

–

They become surprisingly domestic, the two of them, moving into their large apartment that is close to both Logan’s job at the observatory and Virgil’s work at a publishing company. He’s not surprised Virgil has become an editor (he was always the best at it, when they exchanged essays to review), but he is rather impressed when he notes some of the books in Virgil’s room have his full name on the cover. “I write poetry, mostly,” he explains when Logan asks. “It’s… I used to use it like therapy, I guess, and I got some of it published. I’m not famous or anything.”

“That’s amazing,” Logan says sincerely. 

The poetry becomes important, later, but then, it is simply something for Logan to admire, another flash of beautiful lightning in Virgil’s storm.

Saturdays become movie nights, and they order junk food and make popcorn and watch documentaries or horror movies or cartoons together. Occasionally, some of their friends will join them, and every so often, all eight of them cram into Logan and Virgil’s living room. Despite his love for the others, however, Logan’s favorite nights are usually the ones when the two of them are alone, when they curl up together on the couch and make fun of trashy films or contribute their own knowledge to documentaries or sing along quietly to Disney. It is peaceful and lovely and utterly perfect.

Logan doesn’t mean to fall in love with Virgil. It sneaks up on him, mornings of coffee for him and tea for Virgil and memes shared over breakfast, afternoons texting each other with reminders to get groceries and news from the office, nights of cooking together and dancing to the radio. 

One day, when both of them have work off, Virgil pulls him out of bed, waits impatiently while Logan gets dressed, and drags him outside into a storm. They walk through the park together, enjoying the rain on their skin, both of them jumping into puddles and belting the title number of Singing in the Rain and getting utterly soaked. 

They return home for cocoa, each taking a warm shower and then sitting together on the couch to watch old movies with small white krakens bobbing in their cups. It is then, with Virgil curled up against him, wet hair soaking Logan’s neck and the smell of hot chocolate in the air, that Logan realizes he loves a thunderstorm in human form. 

His best friend.

Oh, god, Logan is in love with his best friend. And also his roommate. And also his favorite person in the whole of the universe.

(He’s pretty sure that if Virgil could hear his thoughts, and if, y’know, Virgil wasn’t the person in question, he’d roll his eyes and say, “Oh my god, they were roommates.” The idea nearly makes him laugh.) 

Logan tries to get over his crush (and there’s no other word for it, as juvenile as it sounds). He really does. But it’s so hard, now that he knows it exists, especially when he has to see Virgil every single day. And he can’t just cut himself off, or leave their apartment, because that might ruin their friendship, and that’s the whole reason he’s trying to escape his feelings, because he loves being Virgil’s friend more than anything. 

So he exists in this inbetween state, thrashing in the eyewall of a storm, so close to safety and danger simultaneously, trapped in chaos and uncertainty. 

Logan isn’t quite sure whether he really wants to return to the eye, blissful quiet and the peace of oblivion, or if he can at all. But he thinks entering the storm itself, the danger of telling Virgil how he feels, the potential for a life with him, is equally impossible. 

Eventually he decides that it is best to just ignore his rebellious feelings. It works, sort of – Virgil doesn’t seem to notice anything different, and Logan gets to keep his best friend. Still, every moment together is tinged with a sort of bittersweet sadness, the dancing in the kitchen and cuddling on the couch and meals together a harsh reminder that they are just friends.

He’s not sure exactly how his other friends figure it out, but they do, judging from how Remy and Janus tell him exasperatedly that he really ought to say something to Virgil, how Patton and Roman tell him how cute they would be together, how Remus does his best to shove Logan towards Virgil at any opportunity, how Emile tells him pointedly that repressing his feelings isn’t exactly healthy. Logan does decide that he’ll confess… eventually. 

The problem with eventually, however, is how ambiguous it is. The others have realized as much, evidently, but they don’t force Logan to say something, or tell Virgil themselves, and he appreciates that.

It is a Saturday when eventually finally comes, a peaceful movie night interrupted by a phone call with Roman’s name flashing on the screen. He holds up a finger over his lips as he accepts the call, grimacing apologetically to Virgil as he steps into his own room. “What do you want?” he asks exasperatedly when he picks it up, and winces as the other line fills with noise. 

“Logan, have you read Virgil’s latest book?” Roman practically screams, and in the background Logan can hear Patton squealing with excitement as Janus shushes them both. 

He frowns, closing the door to his bedroom. “I wasn’t aware he’d been working on one.” Normally, Logan knows whenever Virgil is working on another collection of his poetry – he’s often the first person Virgil hands it to for editing. 

“Get on your computer this instant, Pocket Protector,” says Roman, and Logan can hear his grin.

A quick search confirms it; a new book of poetry, just released by Virgil Foley. The revelation is almost painful (does Virgil not trust him anymore? Not like him?) until Janus’ voice comes over the line, hir voice sarcastic and concerned altogether.

“Way to go, love, he’s definitely not overthinking this,” ze sigh. “Logan, listen to me. I need you to go look at some of the reviews for the book, okay? Actually, no, if you can find a sample online, go read that.”

He’s operating in a haze, a robot in human flesh, and what do robots do but obey orders?

Logan barely understands what he’s reading at first, lines of poetry in the sample flashing past him. He checks the reviews, words of praise and admiration flowing through his mind, and it takes a second before he understands any of it. 

Clicking back to the online sample, he starts to recognize the story being told. It is a tale of late nights and hot drinks in the morning, of pining and fear of destroying a friendship older than love.

It is Logan’s story, told through another’s words, a voice speaking of a scholar of the stars, of glasses and storms, of hugs and hand-holding and a cute barista, a boy in psych class, a friendship repaired at another’s wedding, of admiration and hope and love. A love for someone seen not as a storm, but as stars, as the universe in human flesh. 

Virgil is in love.

Virgil is in love with Logan. 

“I’ll call you back,” he hears himself say, and drops his phone on his bed in his haste to get back to the living room. 

“Logan?” Virgil’s voice pierce the haze of his thoughts, his eyes 

(a storm, wild beauty) 

shining with concern, and he sits up from where he’s lying on the couch. “You okay? What happened?”

There are many things he wants to say, questions and explanations and promises, but in the end, all he says is “Can I kiss you?”

“What?” He doesn’t expect Virgil to look quite so flustered, but then again, Logan did just storm into the room, looking desperate and probably a tad deranged, and ask to kiss his best friend. 

“Roman told me about the new book,” Logan says first, and Virgil’s eyes widen even further, and he can sense the incoming apology, but he isn’t done, not yet. He begins to crack his knuckles, a habit he’d thought he’d finally lost, full to the brim with nervous energy. “I’ve read some of it, and as far as I can tell, you are romantically attracted to me. Which is good, because I also harbor such feelings for you, and have for about a year now. So. Can I kiss you?”

“Isn’t it ‘May I kiss you’?” Virgil grins, playing off his feelings with humor, as always. Logan opens his mouth to apologize as his world comes crashing down, because oh, he’s messed up, oh no, but then his best friend’s expression softens, and he whispers “Of course, Logan Sanders.”

“Thank you, Virgil Foley,” he says, and abandons the eyewall for the storm. 

They don’t watch any more movies that night. The two of them kiss, and talk, and kiss some more, and Virgil grabs his author’s edition of the new book from his room, and they read it together on the couch. 

The next morning, they sit with their coffee and tea and talk some more, about labels and boundaries and dreams. Their friends come over for movies the next Saturday, and Virgil and Logan hold hands as they tell them they are dating. 

(Roman choking on the popcorn in his excitement almost makes up for the money Logan spots being exchanged between Emile, Remus, and Patton.)

Eventually, Virgil’s latest book will gain fame, and they will end up with quite a bit of money between the two of them, especially after Logan gets a promotion. Eventually, they will move to a larger house, one a bit outside the city, one where they will have two cats and a dog and a son named Thomas. Eventually, they will get married in the spring, and when it starts to rain as they say their vows, the two of them just laugh. 

But that is eventually. In the now, Logan Sanders is in love. In the now, Virgil Foley is in love. 

They are glasses and hoodies, poetry written and spoken, dancing in the kitchen and cuddles on the couch. 

They are thunderstorms, and they are stars.

[thesoulspulse]

Regarding Kendric Howell...

So normally I save these “regarding” segments for stuff about the show Danny Phantom and its canon characters, but after sharing more about Paradox since @floralflowerpower​ let me know you guys seemed interested in learning more about him, aka Counter Clockwork, I thought I’d share more about some of my other roleplay characters based on random oc’s I’ve drawn. I figure some things are safe to share outside of the roleplay too as part of their own canon background such as the “ghost story” Kendric recently told. Also, before I continue I had to rewrite this whole post which is such a shame since I forgot to save it as a draft and had a technical issue near the end (this was all phrased so much better in that version too! T^T) so hopefully I remember the basic idea I wanted to share. Enjoy!

WARNING! Since Kendric is a ghost there is a mention of character death in the following ghost story so if that makes you uncomfortable, please skip and I’ll give a brief summary afterwards. (P.S. Pardon my typos, I came up with this idea on the spot in our roleplay based on the simple backstory I gave this character)

I only have one story to tell, and who better to tell it than the forgotten victim of this tale? It happened many years ago, when this lake was not the stage of a horror story until that fateful day. Everything started out normal, I was in charge of watching my little sister and since she wasn't allowed to go out on the lake alone or strong enough to row the boat herself we eventually made it to the heart of the lake and settled down to enjoy the nice weather. There wasn't a single cloud in the sky that day...but then... *his eyes flash a brighter blue as he uses his power to cause a lightning bolt to lash across the sky above them for dramatic effect*

..an unnatural darkness fell over us and a thick fog began to snake across the surface of the lake. That part was strange enough, but moments later, an eerie green light began to shine up from beneath the water. A light I know now, belonged to a natural portal to the Ghost Zone. There was no other warning that something strange and terrible was about to happen to us until it was already too late. Something rushed at us from underwater, a creature that can only be described as someone's sick idea of what a sea horse would look like if it were part octopus, and flipped the boat. It grabbed my sister first and I was dragged down soon after and we were trapped near the bottom of the lake. Desperate to save my sister I scrambled for a rock in the mud and thankfully managed to pull it free and stab the creature, a strange green glowing blood illuminating the shadowy depths.

Nearly out of breath I dove towards my sister and grabbed her, kicking as hard as I could to swim up and reach the boat when I saw it had flipped back over upright somehow. I only just managed to drop her inside before I was grabbed again, the last thing I ever saw being my little sister as she coughed up water and our eyes met for only a second before...it was over. I never drew another breath from that moment on and only one life was spared that day. *smiles and says sincerely* But to me, her life was the one that mattered most since she had so much more left to live for. Granted, so did I but I was already nineteen by then, my sister was eight. I wasn't going to rob her of a future to save myself, and now, the future of this place belongs to her family and that creature will never take another victim.

If you skipped the ghost story portion of this post, basically a natural ghost portal appeared in the lake at Kendric’s summer home and he sacrificed himself to save his little sister from a seahorse/octopus-like ghost that dragged them into the lake. His sister was only 8yrs old at the time and he was 19yrs old. After he became a ghost though and discovered his powers, Kendric defeated the ghost so that it could never threaten his family or anyone else ever again.

Kendric dutifully watched over his little sister as she grew up and eventually started a family of her own, only leaving once he was sure she didn’t need him anymore. He returned to the lake house which had been abandoned and thought about making it his new home, but unfortunately his sister and her husband already had plans to renovate it themselves and sell it so they could buy a new house for their growing family. Accepting this, Kendric decided it was time to find another home and start a new afterlife with only his guitar, which was originally buried with him. And with that, he’s begun his own search for a new place to call home as well in the Ghost Zone with the help of a friend where he can focus on writing music again and enjoying his afterlife to the fullest.

Extra info below if you’re curious, its mostly just image references!

Guitar Reference:

Hidden Tree Hangout (for telling ghost stories or climbing up):

Lake House:

Misty Lake Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWqvqyEB9_8

[redwinterroses]

Time for a new Immersive Hermitcraft!

This is another scenic one, not a location (those are queued! Just gotta finish mixing the ambient tracks for them) but I was at my fam's July 4 celebration last night and thought it would be fun to see a fireworks display on Hermitcraft. Enjoy!

[listen here]

You sit on a green blanket on a grassy hillside. The grass lumps up under the blanket in places, and you dig your fingernails into the scratchy wool, leaning back on your hands and looking up at the stars whirling overhead. The air is thick with the heat of a fading summer day, and the smells of warm grass, cookout smoke, and the sharper scent of insect-repelling candles mingle in a delicious swirl of memories in the making.

Cricket song echoes across the meadow, and in the distance you can hear someone’s chickens clucking. Around you, the hermits are setting up their own viewing spots: blankets like yours spread out on the ground, or chairs quickly constructed of stairs and signs or item frames (Scar’s item frames glow, and he’s proudly pointing out the merits of this improvement to Mumbo, who seems suitably impressed and starts digging around for glow ink of his own). Toward the back of the crowd, Zed, Tango, and Gem have built up a small platform in the air and are leaning over the edge to chat with Bdubs. Someone cracks a short joke, to Bdubs’ predictable indignation.

But everyone settles in quickly and in the light of torches down the hill, Grian and Pearl are putting the finishing touches on their display. Someone has a jukebox and is playing quiet music, providing a chill background for the conversation of the hermits. A lightning bug lands on your arm, and you hold it close to your face, examining the delicate joints of its legs and the black-and-yellow markings on its elytra. It flutters its antennae and launches into the air, blinking away into the darkness.

Finally, with a satisfied nod and a dramatic bow, Pearl and Grian back away from the various dispensers, observers, and hopper clocks, and Grian flips a final switch. The show begins.

The first fireworks burst into the night sky with a boom-crackle that surprises everyone, exclamations and startled laughter ringing out. Blue and white sparks spread across the sky, turning red and drifting down as dying ashes. Green, purple, and orange explosions follow: each as shining and glorious as the one before.

“Oh, that was a nice one.”

“Heh, trust Grian to know his explosives.”

“And trust Gem to keep him from blowing us all up!”

General laughter follows Impulse’s words, but you can’t quite make out Grian’s retort over the noise. You lay back on the blanket, crossing your arms behind your head, grass blades prickling through the blanket to tickle your skin. Fireflies drift above you, their green-yellow blinking glow a soft counterpart to the explosions of light and color. Choruses of “ooohs” and “aaaahs” follow each burst of light and sound: the deep boooooom of the large fireworks echoing back over the hills with a roll of thunder, chased by a higher crrrackle from the glittering bursts of light and sparkle that follow.

The meadow flashes brightly with each firework, momentarily illuminated in blue, red, white, and green. It flares across the hermits’ faces, capturing little seconds of expressions: grins, surprise, laughter, conversation. The images file away in your memory like polaroids, complete with the pricking of grass, the taste of lemonade on your tongue, the warm air of a summer night, and the smokey scent of fireworks drifting through the sky.

[luminescencefics]

(there is) no time like the present

On his way towards the rest of their friends in the booth by the back of the pub, Niall finally spots Aisling’s auburn hair and glittery dress standing near the wooden table. He’d be lying if he didn’t think she looked quite pretty. Niall’s always known Aisling to be pretty, in a way that he knows that thunder follows lightning during a storm and that the sun always shines the brightest in the summer. It was just a universal thing.

But tonight, he finds that he’s entirely hyperaware of Aisling’s prettiness.

And he isn’t quite sure what to do about that.

A (short) story about a brown-haired boy and an auburn-haired girl trying to convince the world that they aren’t lonely, and how time really isn’t of the essence.

written for the 1dff discord server fic challenge

new year’s eve // roommates trope

niall/ofc, 8k words | banner credit

11:34

In Aisling O’Leary’s twenty-eight years of living, she has known two constants. The first being, she could never say no to people. No matter how hard she tried to, she just couldn’t bring herself to disappoint the people she cared about most in her life. She blames that on her trait of always trying to please people. The second constant is that she was a settler, in every sense of the word.

She settled with her group of friends in secondary school back home in Clifden. She settled when she chose to go to university across the country in Dublin instead of taking the leap and applying to schools in her dream city of London. She settled with her marketing position at a publishing house when her dream was to be an editor. And, she settled with her last boyfriend of two years, Cormac Hayes.

When he decided to end things with her three months ago, Aisling knows that she probably should have been more upset over it. Truth is, she stayed with Cormac for that long because it was easy. He loved her at arm’s length and she was okay with that. He gave her attention and loved her the best way he knew how, and although it wasn’t enough for Aisling in the end, she sort of just let it happen. And when she didn’t even shed a tear over losing her boyfriend of two years, she wasn’t surprised in the least.

That’s just how Aisling O’Leary worked.

She tries her hardest to ignore the constant ringing of her mobile from the inside of her purse under her work desk. It was Friday afternoon and she was practically the only soul in the office because most of her other co-workers decided to take the day off to prepare for this evening’s New Year’s Eve festivities.

Aisling didn’t really think too much about it, to be honest. What did she have to celebrate this past year? The fact that she received an end of the year bonus at her job that she hasn’t enjoyed for the past four years? The fact that she’s single, once again? The fact that she’s still living with her uni mate and putting off her goal of moving to London?

She pushes those thoughts away when an image of said uni mate flashes across the screen of her mobile.

“Niall, for the love of god, please stop ringing me,” Aisling scolds, harshly whispering into the receiver. It’s really no use considering it’s just her and the unlucky intern who couldn’t get the day off, but she does it anyways for dramatic intent.

“As lovely as ever, sweet Aisling,” Niall starts, the sound of whooshing air in the background a bit distracting. Aisling can only assume that he’s walking around outside, the sound of the chilling winter wind blowing through the phone loudly giving him away.

“Sorry, Niall. Just, uh, busy is all.” Aisling lies and Niall doesn’t even try to fall for it. She does feel a little bad for snapping at him, because it’s really not his fault that she’s in such a shit mood. And taking it out on her uni mate turned flatmate turned best mate just wasn’t really fair.

Niall Horan crashed into Aisling’s life during her first year at University College Dublin (the word crashed used very appropriately). She was sitting towards the back of her Art History lecture, a random gen-ed requirement her advisor forced her to take. She chose the back because she assumed she wouldn’t be bothered, but then eight minutes after class began, Niall ran in with flushed cheeks and his freshly bleached blonde hair standing up all over the place. And out of all the empty seats in the entire lecture hall, he chose to sit next to Aisling.

He spent the entirety of the lecture fidgeting in the plastic seat next to Aisling, looking over her shoulder at the notes she was scribbling down aggressively. He didn't even bother to bring a notebook, let alone a pen, to the lecture. Normally, Aisling would find that infuriating. But when it comes to Niall, Aisling has found that most of the things that should bother her just, well, don’t.

“I’m walking into the shops. Everyone’s been texting like mad about tonight, driving me up the fuckin’ wall. Did you put the group chat on mute again?” Niall asks and Aisling doesn’t even bother answering, because of course she did.

It’s not that she didn’t like her uni mates, because they really were the best friends Aisling has ever had. But when they decided amongst themselves that her and Niall’s flat would be the destination for pre-drinks tonight, conveniently leaving Aisling and Niall out of the conversation altogether, she couldn’t help but grow increasingly annoyed.

But in typical Aisling fashion, she just let it happen. She blames it on that first constant of hers.

“Just while I was working. Didn’t want to be distracted,” Aisling decides to say, pausing as she hears the sound of an automatic door opening and closing on Niall’s end. She knows he’s probably completely aware that she’s not that excited about tonight. But in typical Niall fashion, he tries to find the silver lining in every situation—even if he is feeling equally as shitty about this evening.

“Well, you’re probably the only person in all of Ireland working today,” Niall says, a chuckle added at the end to let Aisling know that he’s just messing with her.

“That’s not true. Sean’s here with me, having the time of his life.” Aisling watches the office intern sit at his desk with his head in his hands, clearly hungover and annoyed that he got stuck working the day of New Year’s Eve. She feels a bit bad for the lad, empathetic to his cause.

Niall agrees. “What’re we drinking tonight, Aisling? How ossified do we feel like getting, scale of one to ten?”

Aisling sighs. She knows getting drunk off her arse tonight is probably not the best move to make. But then she starts to think of her friends and how they seem a lot more bearable after a few drinks. She starts to think about the past three months of her life and how she feels like she’s just taking up space. She starts to think about the last phone call she had with her mam, and how she’s suddenly begun to worry about her oldest daughter. She starts to think about her future, and how she’s not really excited about it at all, to be fair.

The more she thinks about it, the more getting completely plastered sounds better and better in her head.

“Whiskey. Lots of it,” Aisling replies, sure and assertive.

“There’s my girl,” Niall says, and she can practically hear the glass bottles being added to the shopping trolley. “I’ll see you when you get home. Let’s just try and have fun tonight, yeah? Forget about all the bullshit.”

Aisling agrees to try her hardest to do that for Niall. But she’s got enough bullshit going on in her life to hold anybody down, and if she’s going to try and get over it, she’s going to need a lot of whiskey to do that.

And some courage—lots of it.

14:08

In Niall Horan’s twenty-eight years of living, he’s known two constants. The first being, he puts too much trust in other people, not nearly guarding his heart the way he should. He’s always fallen too quickly and too harshly, never really thinking of the repercussions. The second constant being that he was always blissfully one step behind everybody else, overlooking hidden clues and secret hints, not really understanding the longing look in another person’s eyes, or why their cheeks heat up around somebody’s presence. He wouldn’t blame that on selfishness, per se, rather, naiveté. If it wasn’t hitting Niall right in the face, chances are he completely missed it.

He’s thinking about his unguarded heart while lining up the various liquor bottles he bought at the shops a few hours ago, creating a makeshift bar on the kitchen countertop. His mind briefly falls to Sheridan, as it does most times when he’s feeling a bit lonely. He thinks about her blonde hair and turquoise eyes and warm pale skin. How she was the most important thing in his life on and off for five years. How he loved her with everything inside of him, and he figured that would be enough.

But then she gets a job offer a world away in America, and she takes it without even looking back. Without even considering how it would affect Niall. Without even including him in the conversation.

He wonders if she’s always been selfish with his heart.

Niall tries his hardest to not think about it. She left Ireland almost nine months ago, and he really has been doing better. He wants nothing more than to forget about this year. It was one filled with heartbreak and anger and pain, and the idea of drinking his sorrows away to start over again is exactly what he needed.

But there’s no denying that Niall Horan is admittedly lonely.

He thinks of Aisling, and how she seems just as lost as he is most of the time. Back in uni she was always the rational one between the pair, always taking notes and showing up to class and making sure that Niall kept his head on straight. When he meets Sheridan at the end of their first year, he remembers instantly thinking that she was the one for him. He blames it on that first constant of his.

Sheridan Walsh was beautiful and rich and, admittedly, so far out of Niall’s league the second he met her at a mutual friend’s house party. She was studying linguistics at Trinity as a hobby, a job at her parent’s enormous investment bank already secured. Her family had an expansive estate in Killiney overlooking Dalkey Island and Niall did everything he could to try and fit into her world.

When he meets her he charms her instantly, and the second he realizes that she was in a different social class than his own, Niall runs into Aisling’s dorm room and begs her to strip the bleach from his hair. He spends Years Two and Three doing everything he can to impress Sheridan, and finally one night she gives in, and he feels as if he’s floating through thin air.

To this day, Niall still isn’t sure what it was about him that made Sheridan finally agree to start dating him. She didn’t approve of his course of study, she found his hometown of Mullingar to be quaint, and she never really understood why he decided to live with Aisling in their too-small flat.

If there’s one thing Niall can appreciate most about his friendship with Aisling (and there’s a lot to be thankful for, to be fair) it’s that she tried her hardest to be nice to Sheridan, even though there would never be a world where the two of them would ever be friends. Aisling showed Niall how to properly knot a tie to prepare him for meeting Sheridan’s parents, she explained to him the difference between an oyster fork and a salad fork whenever he had to go to fancy dinner parties, and she constantly reminded him that he shouldn’t try as hard to fit into Sheridan’s world, because she loved him just the way he was.

If only it were true in the end.

In reality, Niall has a lot to be thankful for when it comes to Aisling O’Leary. He just hopes that he purchased enough whiskey to try and make her enjoy herself for the first time in three months.

17:41

Normally it takes Aisling twenty minutes to get home from her office near O’Connell Street to her and Niall’s shared flat in Ranelagh. But she’s stalling, walking along the River Liffey in the brisk evening weather instead of getting on the bus to start getting ready for tonight.

Niall knows this, as he’s grown accustomed to Aisling whipping open the front door twenty minutes after five, complaining about the crammed rush hour commute while untying her boots and throwing her scarf haphazardly over their wobbly coat hanger. He’s currently watching the clock change from the half hour mark almost nearing quarter to six, debating if he should ring her or not.

As if reading his mind, Aisling shoots Niall a text, assuring him that she’s not avoiding their mates (lie) and that she isn’t contemplating ditching this evening’s festivities (lie) and that she’s stopping at the nearest shop to grab snacks for their friends (half-lie turned truth). Niall doesn’t bother telling her that their friends already agreed to bring food over, because he knows Aisling better than she knows herself sometimes. Instead, he writes, Do what you need to do, A. I’ve got a drink waiting for you when you get home xx, and Aisling starts to feel a bit more at ease.

It’s near six when Aisling appears with a shopping bag filled with crackers and the nicest assortment of cheese she could find last minute. Niall can hear her usual foot pattern by the front door while he starts pouring the two of them whiskey neats in the nice glasses Sheridan re-gifted him two Christmases ago.

“Sorry I was late. The shops were brutal, too many people banging about. Couldn’t even find the good cheese Cara likes,” Aisling says, entering the kitchen with a smile headed in Niall’s direction. He watches as she starts putting the items into the fridge and respective cupboards, avoiding making eye contact.

“If you turned your mobile on every now and then, you’d have seen that Cara and Robbie already got food for tonight,” Niall says, sliding Aisling’s drink across the kitchen counter.

Aisling gives Niall a sheepish look. “Right. I was just—”

“—Busy.” Niall gives Aisling a look she knows all too well, and she immediately feels guilty, slumping down in the chair across from him. “Your mam rang me earlier. Was wondering why her lovely daughter wasn’t answering her calls.”

Aisling chuckles softly, bringing the glass to her lips. “Ah, of course she did. Sometimes I think she rings you because she likes you a bit too much.”

“What can I say? Mam’s love me—especially yours,” Niall says with a grin, puffing his chest out a bit.

Aisling snorts. “Did she say anything of interest this time ‘round?”

“Just went on about how your da can’t find a proper barmaid for tonight,” Niall says, the mention of Aisling’s family’s pub in Clifden bringing a nostalgic smile to her face. “She might have also mentioned that she’s worried about you.”

Aisling frowns. “Worried?”

Niall nods cautiously. “Yeah. She thinks you're lonely.”

Aisling pauses for a moment, watching the amber liquid inside her cup slosh with each swivel of the glass on the countertop. She really hates that word—lonely. To Aisling, loneliness implies the absence of something. How can she miss a feeling she’s never even truly felt in the first place? The only thing Aisling has felt for the past few years has been complacency. And that’s one she’d love to shed with the new year.

“Well, she’s nothing to worry about. ‘M not lonely,” Aisling mumbles, downing the rest of her drink with one large gulp.

Niall cocks an eyebrow in her direction. “That’s exactly what a lonely person would say.”

It’s one of those rare moments when Aisling can’t tell if Niall is taking the piss or genuinely concerned. But with one look in his blue eyes, Aisling decides to go with the latter.

“I promise you, Niall, I’m not lonely. It’s been three months. I barely even think about Cormac anymore, so quit your worrying,” Aisling counters, beginning to pour herself another glass, this time a bit shorter.

“You never even thought about him to begin with,” Niall quips, finishing his drink as well. “That’s what I’m worried about.”

Aisling doesn’t really know how to answer that, because there’s no denying that Niall is absolutely correct. She just isn’t quite sure how to explain to her best mate that she never truly felt heartbreak in the same capacity that he did. Cormac ending things with Aisling did not shatter her heart the same way that Sheridan did to Niall’s.

Aisling starts to wonder if there’s something wrong with this so-called heart of hers.

“I think I saw it coming before it actually happened, ya know?” Aisling begins to explain. “I think I knew Cormac wasn’t the one for me. It made the blow less harsh, in a way.” It’s a version of the truth that both Niall and Aisling can settle on. And she can tell that he’s understanding as he nods through his final swallow of whiskey.

“Just want you to be happy, is all,” Niall says, placing his empty glass on the countertop. “It’s the beauty of New Years, my sweet Aisling. You can start fresh.”

Aisling just smiles, finishing her glass as well. “Let’s hope you’re right.”

And this time, she truly hopes he is.

19:22

Aisling is starting to think that it’s far too early for her friends to be this inebriated.

It’s barely half past seven and her friends had started to arrive nearly an hour earlier. After her unsettling conversation with Niall, Aisling resorted to locking herself in her bedroom with the excuse of getting ready. Instead, she sat in the shower for far too long until the hot water turned cold, building up the courage to just try and let loose for one fucking night.

The second she hears Cara and Robbie enter the flat, Aisling immediately fights the urge to down another whiskey neat.

There was a time when Aisling believed that Cara and Robbie would be the first pair out of their uni group to get married. They had been together ever since Aisling lived next door to Cara in the dorms during her first year at UCD. And while everybody else had seemingly tried to grow up during the past seven years, Cara and Robbie seemed content in their post-uni bubble.

Aisling was pretty sure that bubble should have been popped some time after their twenty-fifth birthdays.

“Oi! Aisy! Pass me a fresh Smithwick while you’re at it!” Conor hollers over from the small loveseat in the living room when he notices Aisling heading towards the fridge for a new drink.

She nods, biting her tongue at the ridiculous nickname that he hasn’t stopped calling her since Year Two. Aisling’s just happy he isn’t calling her feek anymore.

If Aisling had the choice, she would never have had Conor worm his way into the inner-workings of their unusual friend group. But alas, Conor came along with Niall, and if Aisling wanted to keep Niall in her life (which she very much would like to), then she had to suck it up and deal with his unruly best mate.

Aisling passes Conor the freshly opened bottle of beer, smiling politely at the pretty brown-haired girl seated to his right. According to Niall, Conor’s been bringing her along to their group pub outings for a few weeks now. Aisling promised to remember her name if she stuck around for another month. Conor had a bad habit of flying through girls, and it became harder with each new face to remember their names.

Aisling heads back into the kitchen to start preparing the cheeseboard, watching in her periphery as a long slender red-painted finger reaches out to snatch a stray cracker hanging off the side of the tray.

“Wait your turn like everybody else, Han,” Aisling scolds, ignoring the snicker her friend makes in between bites of the cracker.

“Sorry mum, you know how I get if I don’t eat something before drinking,” Hannah says, her Scouse accent already beginning to muddle together. Aisling does her best to keep her eye roll to herself.

“It’s too early for you to be slurring. Lay off the drink until we get to the pub, okay?” Aisling responds, reaching out to grab the half-finished vodka tonic in Hannah’s shaky hands. She tosses it aside, hopefully long forgotten by the time Hannah finishes eating something.

She watches Hannah nod her head agreeably, before sneaking another cracker off of the plate. This time, Aisling doesn’t scold her.

“I’m sorry you’re ringing in the New Year all by yourself,” Hannah says after Aisling has a sip of her drink. “Shite being alone, innit?”

There’s that word again. Alone. Aisling shrugs half-heartedly even though she doesn’t really agree with Hannah’s logic. Even if she tried to explain it to her, she knows she wouldn’t understand it. While Hannah’s been a great friend to Aisling over the years, she’s admittedly been quite selfish. Therefore, Aisling tries not to burden her with matters of the heart.

Niall overhears the conversation when he walks into the kitchen with Hannah’s boyfriend Rory, and immediately he starts to feel a bit guilty.

Aisling and Cormac would never have met if it weren’t for Niall. They both played together in Niall's men’s league for footie, and he thought that they would be a good match together. So when he gave Cormac his flatmate’s number one night after practice and a week later they went out to dinner, Niall really believed that he did Aisling a solid.

Now though, he feels a bit shitty.

“What’re you two gossiping about?” Rory asks, slinging an arm over Hannah’s pointy shoulders, unaware of the awkward tension left hanging in the kitchen from Hannah’s previous comment.

“Nothing, babe. Just sad that Aisling won’t have a New Year’s kiss,” Hannah says, the backhanded dig flying completely over her head. Aisling feels it though, and so does Niall, who immediately steps in.

“Keep drinkin’ like that Hannah and you might not make it to midnight for a kiss this year either.” The lightness of his tone makes it seem to Hannah and Rory that he’s just joking with them, but Aisling knows Niall, and she can hear the undercurrent of frustration laced between his words. So when she lifts her head up and looks at him and already finds that he’s staring right back at her, she smiles a bit, mouthing a quick thank you in his direction.

Sometimes, she’s really lucky to have a friend like Niall.

21:43

Niall slams down his second shot of whiskey since entering the pub nearly thirty minutes ago, and he’s finally starting to feel that type of drunkenness where everything seems a bit lighter and everybody seems a lot happier. They’ve chosen a pub in Parnell Square in favor over the crowded pubs in the Temple Bar area, and he’s happy with their choice considering the pub is filled with twenty-somethings instead of the usual younger, rowdier crowd.

After the incident in the kitchen, Niall finds himself keeping a closer watch on Aisling. While he knows the past few months have been quite hard on her, he didn’t realize how apathetic some of their mates were. He also didn’t notice how sad it made her.

He wonders if she’s always felt like this, and he’s always just been too wrapped up in his own sadness to notice her own.

Regretfully, he blames that second constant of his.

“Oi, Horan! Drink up!” Conor yells over from his left, another shot of whiskey waiting for him on the bartop. Niall tears his eyes away from Aisling, instead focusing on the overflowing shot glass in front of him. He gulps, already mentally preparing to slow down in order to keep his wits about him until midnight approaches.

Niall shoots the drink back, slamming the glass onto the sticky bartop and wiping the back of his hand over his lips. He can hear Conor cackling beside him, and he tries to ignore the elbow digging into his ribcage. He tries to find Aisling’s wavy auburn hair through the crowd, or even her sparkly long-sleeved dress, but it’s no use. She’s too far out of his view.

“Are you lookin’ to pull?” Conor asks smugly after noticing Niall’s gaze flittering over the other side of the pub.

“Nah mate. Not tonight,” Niall replies, the thought of pulling a random girl for the night sounding entirely unappealing.

Conor turns towards his friend, putting his back to his pretty date. “Niall, tonight’s the perfect night for a random lay. C’mon mate, it’s New Years! Every single bird here is looking for an easy shag. It’s been months anyways, what’re you waiting for? Sheri’s not comin’ back.”

Niall tries his hardest not to flinch at his friend’s words. He knows deep down that if he really wanted to sleep with a random girl for the night, he could. And earlier, he probably would have done just that to cure his loneliness. But now the thought of doing just that sort of makes his skin crawl a little.

Including the fact that he can’t stop trying to find his flatmate in the crowded pub. But he’s not quite sure what that means.

“Fuck off Conor. I know she’s not coming back.” Niall’s annoyed that his friend decided to bring Sheridan up. He just wishes everybody would stop fucking bringing her up.

Conor just shrugs. “Then why aren’t you lookin’ for an easy lay?”

Niall’s grip on his whiskey coke is so tight that his knuckles turn white. He grits his teeth before taking a long sip, before giving his stupid friend one last annoyed look. “Because sex isn’t the answer to everything.” And with that, Niall walks away.

“It sure helps though, prick!” Conor shouts from his place at the bar, and Niall just shakes his head, ignoring him.

On his way towards the rest of their friends in the booth by the back of the pub, Niall finally spots Aisling’s auburn hair and glittery dress standing near the wooden table. He’d be lying if he didn’t think she looked quite pretty. Niall’s always known Aisling to be pretty, in a way that he knows that thunder follows lightning during a storm and that the sun always shines the brightest in the summer. It was just a universal thing.

But tonight, he finds that he’s entirely hyperaware of Aisling’s prettiness.

He’s watching the way her head falls back when a loud laugh rips through her lungs, her long auburn hair falling past her shoulders, catching the dim pub lighting in a way that stops Niall dead in his tracks. The sparkles in her shift dress glitter with every bend of her knees or swivel of her hips, and Niall tries his hardest to keep his eyes off of Aisling’s lower half. Her eyes have that glow to them that only happens when she feels totally comfortable, and he’s wondering if it’s genuine or if the liquor is helping mask her unease surrounding tonight.

Before he’s caught, Niall pulls himself together and approaches the group.

“Niall!” Aisling squeals once he’s entered the small half-huddle the girls in the group have formed. She’s leaning in, a bit unsteady on her chunky heels, and Niall can feel the whiskey warmth of her breath fan over his cheeks. She’s definitely drunk, Niall thinks, securing an arm around her middle so Aisling doesn’t end up arse over tit on the dirty pub floor.

“Somebody’s havin’ fun,” Niall pushes through a grin, his arms tightening around her waist once Aisling presses two small hands on his shoulders to steady herself. She giggles and it sounds like the prettiest song he’s ever heard.

“Wasn’t it you who told me to drink away all the bullshit?” Aisling asks, finishing the rest of her drink, her head falling back on her neck dramatically as she swallows. Niall chuckles, grabbing the empty glass from her shaky fingers before it slips and cracks on the floor.

“Might’ve. But slow your roll, sweet Aisling. Still three hours left until midnight,” Niall tuts, smiling a bit when she huffs out in disappointment, her lower lip jutting out in a pout. He finds it incredibly adorable.

“Don’t leave me alone with these eejits then! They’re the ones forcing drinks down me throat!” Aisling calls out, pointing a skinny finger towards Cara and Robbie who look responsible. Her Western accent grows much stronger with each level of intoxication Aisling passes, and Niall knows that if she continues he’s going to start struggling piecing together what she’s trying to say.

So he laughs, removing his arm around her waist and throwing it around her shoulders instead, pulling her closer to his chest so that his chin rests above the crown of her head.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got ya,” Niall says, and Aisling smiles back, squeezing his hand that dangles in front of her chest tightly in thanks.

Niall squeezes back, thinking that if he had to spend the next three hours with her, he wouldn’t mind at all. He especially wouldn’t mind it if Aisling was still tucked under his arm once midnight struck.

23:38

Aisling has spent the last twenty minutes holding Cara’s curly hair back while she retches into the toilet. She stopped drinking about an hour ago once she noticed the pallor beneath Cara’s copper skin, knowing it was only a matter of time until she grew sick.

And just like clockwork, with an hour to go until midnight, Cara grabbed Aisling with shaky hands and dragged her to the toilet before vomiting into the porcelain basin below. Aisling rubs her friend’s back, wrapping her curly hair around her wrists to make sure the coiled tendrils stay vomit-free.

She wishes the night didn’t have to end like this.

But it seems to always happen whenever she’s around Cara. As much as Aisling loves her, she can’t help but wonder if this is how it’ll always be with her friend. She wonders when she’ll finally just grow up.

Once again, Aisling has to give up her night in order to make sure Cara’s isn’t ruined.

Cara moans under her and Aisling snaps out of her miserable state, asking her friend if she was okay and if she needed anything. Cara shakes her head, albeit still unsteady on her feet as she slowly hobbles over towards the sink. Aisling sighs for what feels like the hundredth time, wishing her friend would stop being so stubborn.

Before they leave the toilets, Aisling dampens some paper towels and blots it over Cara’s sticky forehead. Her friend swats at her wrists angrily, snatching the wet paper towels from Aisling’s hands and throwing it into the rubbish bin.

“‘M wearing foundation Aisling! Christ, yer gonna fuck it up!” Cara scolds, walking past her friend and fixing what’s left of her mangled curls into a topknot.

Aisling just frowns, wishing her friend would be a bit kinder to her considering she did just spend the better part of her evening holding her hair back and listening to her retch into a shitty public toilet.

“Sorry,” Aisling mumbles, because she knows she could never yell at her friend no matter how angry she makes her. Aisling would rather not rock the boat, so instead she just lets Cara take out her frustrations on her. She’s been doing it for the past seven years anyways, why stop now?

Cara says nothing. Instead, she irons out her black dress with her hands and leaves the toilets, heading towards their group of friends in the back of the pub. Aisling watches her go, taking a few seconds to herself to just breathe.

If Aisling were a different person, she probably would have told Cara off for acting like a Grade A Bitch. She would tell her to stop being so selfish, to stop making everything about her, to stop acting like such a fucking child.

But Aisling is not that person.

So instead she shakes those words from her head, focusing on regulating her breathing and making sure the redness in her cheeks goes away. She wishes she was the same level of drunkenness she happened to be a few hours ago, where everything seemed a bit more bearable and she wasn’t focusing on the shittier parts of her friendships.

When she emerges from the hallway, she spots Niall immediately. She’s found that he’s always standing a bit closer to her than normal, always making sure she’s okay and that she’s enjoying herself. She’s grateful for it, if she’s being honest, because out of everybody in this crowded pub, she’s happy that it’s Niall who’s standing by her side.

She watches as his brown hair flops over his forehead, hanging around his face in a messy boyish way. He looks handsome with his white button down shirt tucked into his navy blue houndstooth dress pants. When he turns a bit so he can laugh at whatever obscene joke Conor just made, she can see the way the shirtsleeves tighten around his flexed bicep, and the way his waist looks thinner when he swivels his hip, and the way his arse arches in his new pants.

Aisling is immediately transported back to a time when every movement Niall made would make her blush uncontrollably. When his hair was blonder and his laugh was louder and he wasn’t as muscley—when he would barge into her dorm room at all hours of the day and show up at Aisling’s library table and doodle notes and scribbles on her coursework. When she found herself crushing on her first ever real uni mate, when she tried her hardest to ignore it, until it ultimately faded as the years passed on.

But sometimes, in moments like this, the feelings would shoot straight into her chest like a lightning strike, and she finds herself struggling for air. It usually happened in fleeting moments—typically when he laughed so hard his blue eyes scrunched, or he held her really tightly whenever she had a bad day, and especially when he called her sweet Aisling.

And just like that, the moment is gone, leaving just as quickly as it came. As if noticing her absence (something that he’s been doing a lot of tonight), blue eyes meet hazel and he cocks his head in concern, the silent question of Are you okay? floating through the air until it stops right in Aisling’s path.

She nods her head and it’s entirely unconvincing. But before Niall could leave their friends and approach Aisling, she gestures towards the bar with a small smile, insinuating she was going to grab a new drink. Niall just nods, staring at her as she approaches the bartop.

As soon as she feels the heat of his gaze leave her back, Aisling orders a water. Suddenly, she doesn’t want to be here anymore, the dreaded feelings she had earlier in the day flooding her insides without warning. She doesn’t give a fuck about midnight anymore, doesn’t give a fuck about watching her mates cheers to the start of a new year.

She just wants to leave.

23:55

Niall turns away from his conversation with Conor, wondering why Aisling hasn’t returned to their spot in the back of the pub. He watched her head towards the bar almost ten minutes ago, and he’s not quite sure if there’s something wrong.

He’s reminded back to the lifeless look in her eyes when she left the toilets with Cara moments ago, and he instantly feels his stomach drop a little at the thought of something bad happening to her. Did they get into a fight? Did Cara say something to upset her? Where the fuck is she?

“Cara, where’s Aisling?” Niall asks, leaning into her ear to talk over the loud music. He cranes his neck towards the bar where he last saw her, and finds that her auburn hair is no longer in view.

Cara shrugs her shoulders, looking less than interested in this conversation. “Dunno, mate. Fucked off in the jacks ‘coupla minutes ago.” Niall scrunches his nose at the lingering smell of bile on her breath.

“What’d you do?” Niall knows that his tone is a bit accusatory, but he feels like an idiot for not realizing that Aisling was upset sooner. He’s instantly brought back to the kitchen when Hannah hurt her feelings, and Niall’s left wondering if he’s as much of a prick as their friends have been lately.

“Oh, fuck off Niall,” Cara starts, laughing even though it’s not funny. “Did nothin’! She probably just doesn’t wanna be ‘ere durin’ midnight ‘cos she’s single and all.”

Niall knows that isn’t true. He also knows that if Cara had asked Aisling herself, she would know that Aisling could give less of a shit about being single.

Niall’s suddenly left with the unwavering thought that maybe nobody has asked Aisling how she’s truly felt in a long time.

Before he can reply, he notices the countdown start to begin, and suddenly he doesn't want to be around his friends at all.

He wants to find Aisling.

23:59

Aisling can hear the ten second countdown from her spot outside the pub, leaning against the cold brick wall, cooling her down from the inside out. Her winter coat is still clenched in her right hand, the heat of her anger keeping her warm against the evening breeze.

Her eyes are closed tight and she’s trying her hardest not to cry. Aisling knows it’s stupid—crying over her friends who didn’t even spare her a second glance when she stormed out of the pub door. She doesn’t want to blame them, because even though they can be selfish and unaware of her sadness, Aisling has let it slide for far too long. She’s starting to think that her friends have grown accustomed to her knack of shrugging things off her shoulder, and she really only has herself to blame.

Aisling sighs as she hears the countdown end, the sounds of celebration reverberating through the thick brick. She’s ringing in this new year alone, as it seems, and she wonders if she’s part to blame for it.

She wonders why she’s never spoken up when her friends overlook her feelings and say hurtful things about her. Aisling knows that they aren’t intentional, and that her friends don’t truly mean to hurt her feelings, but part of her wishes they would just understand.

She wonders why she’s never been bold enough to go after the job she actually wanted. Why she stays working her shitty desk job day after day, losing interest in everything around her. Why she never acted on that job listing she received an email from in London, why she never even tried to move there in the first place.

She wonders why she’s wasted so much time trying to find love in boys who can never offer her what she truly needs. Why even though Cormac was a sound lad, she knew he wasn’t right for her, but the thought of leaving him was much more difficult than staying, so she chose the easier option.

Aisling wishes she was the type of person to speak up, to act on what she wants, to simply be better.

But she isn’t.

So she sinks down to the cool pavement below her, her neck stretched upwards as her head rests on the brick wall. Her eyes are still closed shut, and she thinks that if she keeps them closed, she can squeeze out the girl she so badly wants to get rid of.

She thinks that when she opens her eyes again, she’ll be a new person. The person she wants to be.

00:03

Niall finally finds Aisling outside, her head resting against the wall upturned towards the night sky. Her eyes are closed and Niall’s eyes are trained on her long ivory neck, and he wonders what would have happened if he came out here just as the clock struck midnight.

He shakes that thought from his head, because she looks so small. So unsure. So sad.

Aisling doesn’t look at Niall until he’s sitting near her with his warm hand resting on her bent knee. He’s looking at her as her eyes flutter open, hazel eyes glassy from the tears threatening to fall. He knows Aisling though—knows her so well that she won’t let them fall, no matter how badly she wants to.

She offers Niall a weak smile, and he’s sitting close enough that he can see her bottom lip wobble. It makes him angry.

“Ready to get out of here?” Niall asks softly, ignoring the millions of other questions he wants to ask her. He knows how fragile she is. How adamant she is about not explaining her feelings, so he takes the easy way out even though it kills him to do so.

Aisling smiles at him, a little stronger than before. “Please.”

Niall doesn’t say anything else. Instead, he stands up, grabbing her winter coat in one hand and her smaller hand in the other. Once she’s standing in front of him, close enough that he can feel her shaky breath on his neck, he holds open her coat and buttons her up.

“Let’s go.”

00:52

Niall and Aisling have been sitting around the kitchen island, a half-finished bottle of whiskey on the countertop between them. Aisling’s heels are discarded somewhere near the front door, her feet resting on the unoccupied stool to Niall’s left. He’s rubbing her shins in between pulls of liquor, his navy blazer thrown over the couch, the top few buttons of his crisp white shirt opened to show his patch of chest hair.

They haven’t really said much in the fifteen minutes they’ve been home. Niall knows when to bite, and he knows that getting Aisling reacquainted with whiskey will make the conversation a lot easier.

So they sit. And he jokes. And she smiles.

It’s only after Niall says something stupid that makes Aisling snort—something that should be completely unattractive to most but Niall finds it incredible endearing—that her words make Niall’s heart stop.

“God, now I remember why I had such a crush on you in uni,” Aisling says after a pull of whiskey.

Niall stops his laughing, eyes immediately going wide. “Wait, what?”

“Oi, quit being an eejit,” she says with a roll of her hazel eyes. “Don’t act surprised, everybody knew.”

But Niall can’t help it. He is surprised.

Why hadn’t anybody told him? More so, why hadn’t she told him?

Was he really the only person who didn’t know?

“Aisling, why didn’t you tell me?” Niall asks, his voice void of teasing. He’s honest and when she looks deep into his ocean eyes, Aisling realizes that she probably shouldn’t have mentioned the crush she had on him in uni seven years ago.

“I genuinely thought you knew. Christ Niall, everybody knew,” she whispers, placing the whiskey bottle back on the table separating them.

“I just—I,” Niall’s confused. And overwhelmed. And slightly angry with himself. “Just wish I knew, is all.”

“Why? It wouldn’t have changed anything, Niall. It was years ago. And you were with Sheri. It really isn’t a big deal, I shouldn’t have said anything—”

“—Don’t do that,” Niall says abruptly, cutting her off.

Aisling’s eyes widen, mirroring Niall’s. “Do what?”

Niall huffs in response, running a frustrated hand through his messy hair. “Act like your feelings don’t matter. They do. And I just—fuck, I dunno, Aisling. I just wish I fucking knew.”

“Why, what would you have done?” Aisling asks, repeating herself, half out of annoyance and half out of sheer curiosity. She truly wishes she just kept her fucking mouth shut.

“Who knows,” Niall says, grabbing the whiskey bottle for himself and pouring it down his throat. “Probably would have spared myself the heartache of dating a girl who could give less of a shit about me. But hey, the past is in the past. New year and all that. New beginnings or summat.” He holds up the bottle in a false cheers, his eyes dull and harsh.

Aisling’s replaying what he said earlier over and over in her head, watching as her best mate continues to gulp back whiskey.

Act like your feelings don’t matter.

Has she been doing that for years now? Acting like her feelings are insignificant, like everybody else’s feelings are more important than hers? Like every thought she has is just her completely overthinking everything?

She reaches out and grabs the bottle from Niall’s lips, placing it on the countertop in front of them with a gentle thud.

“It’s not that I don’t think my feelings matter,” Aisling starts, her voice a small mumble. “It’s just—nobody bothers to ask. I’m always helping everybody else with their problems, and it’s not that I don't want to, because I’d do it for anybody. I’m just different, I suppose. I keep things in, because sometimes the things I try and say are just shit, if I’m being honest. So I don’t really say anything.”

Niall sighs sadly, reaching across the countertop for Aisling’s hand instead of the whiskey bottle.

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Niall starts, a sad look on his face. “I’m sorry I never bother to ask sometimes. It’s just, fuck Aisling, you’re just hard to read sometimes. And it’s so frustrating ‘cos you’re my best mate, yeah? I care about you so much.” Niall’s thumbs are brushing against Aisling’s hands and she tries her hardest not to shudder. “Hate when you keep things in. Need you to tell me, yeah?”

Aisling nods and she prays that Niall keeps his hands in hers.

“‘M sorry too, Niall. Care about you, too. Quite a bit.” Aisling is wondering if she’s imagining Niall leaning closer towards her, or if she just wants it to happen so badly that she’s conjuring it up in her own head.

Sitting across from Aisling in their tiny kitchenette, Niall wonders if he’s ever truly thought about kissing her before tonight. Sure, Aisling’s always been beautiful. And sure, she’s been one of his closest mates ever since they first moved in together. But as he sits here, watching the way her skin glows from the overhead lights, watching the way she’s slowly leaning in towards him, he’s really thinking about it.

So he leans in, too.

And he kisses her.

01:14

When they break apart, Aisling feels as if she’s on fire. Her forearms are balancing her upper body on the countertop, and Niall’s longer arms are holding her elbows tightly. Blue eyes meet hazel and their faces are so close that Aisling’s eyelashes are tickling the apples of Niall’s cheeks.

They’re breathing each other in before Aisling’s hand wraps around the back of Niall’s neck and she’s bringing his lips against hers for another searing kiss.

He reacts almost instantly, bringing one hand away from her elbow and up to her cheek, slotting his bottom lip over her top lip and holding back a groan from the back of his throat.

They break apart again, the edge of the counter digging into Aisling’s chest in an uncomfortable way. She sits back against the chair on her knees, her breathing labored and eyes blown wide. Niall’s staring at her, taking in her rosy cheeks and her messy hair, her swollen lips and huffing chest.

He thinks she’s the prettiest thing he’s seen all night. (Even though he knew that to begin with, to be fair).

So he stands up, holding an outstretched hand towards her body, giving her a boyish grin to which she returns instantly. “C’mere.”

Aisling practically jumps into his arms then, leaning her entire torso onto his with her arms wrapped securely around his neck. She can feel Niall’s forearms against the small of her back, and she’s standing on the tips of her toes in order to press her lips fully against his.

Niall squeezes against her hips and Aisling gasps, her mouth opening against his allowing him to lap his tongue against her own. It’s everything and more, and the sound exploding from the back of his throat practically causes Aisling to melt against his chest.

His hand is knotted into her hair, pulling back slightly so that she can reach his mouth. Aisling slowly starts to back Niall up against the wall adjacent to the hallway, and with that support he can run his hands down her back and against her bum, squeezing the skin through her glittery dress. When he pulls away for a breath, Aisling starts to kiss down the hollow of his throat, sucking a lovebite against the juncture of his neck and shoulder, causing Niall to rock his hips against hers.

“Christ Aisling,” Niall says through a strained breath, his head falling back against the wall when she blows over the fresh mark on his skin.

She steps away cautiously, her eyes wide in anxiousness. Was she doing too much? Niall practically whines when the warmth of her body leaves his own far too quickly, and his arms stretch out to bring her back to him.

“Is it too much? We can stop and forget that it even—”

“—What? Christ, who’s being the eejit now? Don’t leave,” Niall rushes out frantically, pulling Aisling flush against his chest to continue what they were doing before she left.

Aisling giggles into his mouth and it’s probably the sweetest sound he’s ever heard (a close second to her groaning into his mouth earlier). Before she can retreat again, he begins walking them backwards until she’s pushed up against the wall separating their bedrooms.

He breaks away and looks at her with a cocked eyebrow, a smirk growing against his strawberry swollen lips. “Mine or yours, sweet Aisling?”

Aisling laughs a bit, her arms still locked around his neck. Her hands are playing with the hair against the back of his neck, and he’s practically purring at the feeling of it. Without really thinking much (because how could she with the way he was looking at her?) she grabs the closest doorknob to her (which so happens to be hers) and opens it swiftly, dragging Niall by his forearms into the room until the backs of her knees hit her mattress and she’s falling into it with a gentle thud.

It’s all tangled limbs and pulled hair and knocking teeth, and they both could never have imagined their night ending this way. Niall practically rips the hidden zipper of Aisling’s dress off (“Sorry babe, can’t stop thinkin’ about what you look like under it”), Aisling tears through the remaining buttons on his white dress shirt, running her fingers through the hair on his chest causing him to groan against her neck (“Do you like that, Niall?”), Niall flips them over and when he’s leaning over her staring at Aisling hungrily in her cute little matching underwear set, he’s practically drooling at the mouth (“Dear god Aisling, you’re beautiful”), and when they’re both stripped down to nothing but skin and Niall’s leaning on his forearms over her, pushing into her with one swift breath, Aisling can feel herself falling apart inside (“Christ Niall, you’re everything”).

And when it’s all over and done with and they’re both lying against each other, breathing in and out, Aisling suddenly has a realization.

Truth is, maybe her and Niall were alone. But, for one night at least, they could forget about that. Why be alone by yourself when you could be alone together?

So with that thought, she cuddles deeper into Niall’s chest, feeling his hand tread through her auburn hair softly. Before she drifts off, he presses a kiss to the crown of her head, mumbling a quiet Happy New Year, sweet Aisling into her hair.

And when she mutters it back to him, sealing it with a kiss to his collarbone, she actually believes it for once.

That it was, truly, a very happy New Year (in the end).

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[yourlocalsewerdragon]

INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES THEATER - NIGHT A familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane. PRINCE CHARMING Onward Chauncey, to the highest room of the tallest tower! Where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming. Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience. GINGERBREAD MAN This is worse than Love Letters! I hate dinner theatre. PINOCCHIO Me too. Pinocchio's nose grows as he is caught in the lie. Prince Charming rides to the base of the tower. PRINCE CHARMING Whoa there, Chauncey! He dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground. He strikes a dramatic pose. A Princess leans from a tower window. ACTRESS Hark! The brave Prince Charming approach-ith. Prince Charming puffs his chest out. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 2. PRINCE CHARMING Fear not fair maiden! I shall slay the monster that guards you and take my place as rightful King. An old couple at a table look confused. OLD LADY (to old man) What did she say? Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The crowd erupts into applause. The Fairytale Creatures cheer. FAIRYTALE CREATURES (CHEERING) Woooo hoooo!!! GINGERBREAD MAN Yea! Shrek! At first, Prince Charming is put off by the cheers for the Shrek-like beast. He pulls his sword and confronts the monster. PRINCE CHARMING Prepare foul beast to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! He is cut off as a waiter enters with a birthday cake. WAITER (SINGING) Happy Birthday to thee. PRINCE CHARMING Do you mind? Prince Charming hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and

bumps into the tower facade. GINGERBREAD MAN Do you mind? Bo-ring! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 3. The audience laughs. Prince Charming glares at them and then tries to recover. He points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple. PRINCE CHARMING (CLEARS THROAT) Prepare foul beast- Prince Charming looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience. PRINCE CHARMING (shaking his sword again) Someday you'll be sorry. HECKLER (O.S.) We already are! They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse and exits. OGRE Grrrrrrr! The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. INT. BACKSTAGE DRESSING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make- shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 4. PRINCE CHARMING (HEAVY SOBS) Oh mommy. He weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Oh, you're right. I can't let this happen. I can't. Prince Charming looks at the castle on the hill. His expression hardens. He stands and faces the castle. He holds his chin up high. PRINCE CHARMING I am the rightful King of Far Far Away and I promise you this mother. I will restore dignity to my throne! A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) And this time, no one will stand in my way! In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to a crowd. Prince Charming crumples up the newspaper in his fists. EXT. CASTLE - MORNING

The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up. SHREK Good morning. FIONA Good morning. (DREAMY) Oh... morning breath... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 5. Shrek breathes in and smiles. SHREK (DREAMY) I know. Isn't it wonderful? The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes. DONKEY (SINGING) "Good morning! Good morning!" Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused. Donkey starts to sing "Good Morning" from Singin' in the Rain as he enters the room. DONKEY (SINGING) "The sun is shining through! Good morning! Good morning. (coming closer and closer TO SHREK) "To you!" (TO SHREK) "And you!" (TO DRONKEY) And you! The Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path. DONKEY Oh, they grow up so fast. Shrek, greatly annoyed, lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed left behind by the Dronkeys. SHREK Not fast enough. Puss leaps onto the bed. PUSS Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. There are several functions that require your attendance, sir. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 6. SHREK Great! Let's get started. Shrek immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore. DONKEY C'mon, lazy bones, time to get movin'! Donkey yanks the sheets off of Fiona and Shrek. He is surprised to see Shrek's bare legs. DONKEY Aaahhh! You know you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies. Shrek sighs. CUT TO: INT. KNIGHTING CEREMONY - DAY The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the title: "Shrek The Third" is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church. Shrek walks up to the knight who seems a bit nervous. Shrek takes a sword from Puss, but he doesn't have any idea what he is supposed to do with it. Shrek looks

at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword. Shrek starts to knight the knight. SHREK I knight thee... Shrek accidentally stabs the knight. SHREK He-he. Ooh. The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 7. EXT. BOAT DOCKS - DAY Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. CUT TO: INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them. DONKEY Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real King. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek please? Raul stares at Shrek. Shrek raises his eyebrow. RAUL (AHEM) I will see what I can do. He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. VROOM! VROOM! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked. FIONA Ow! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 8. Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. POP! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. INT. BACKSTAGE - LATER REVEAL: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps. DONKEY Oh! Puss rolls his eyes. PUSS Yeah, wow.

Fiona is uncomfortable. FIONA Uh, is this really necessary? RAUL (TO SHREK) Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. SHREK I'm Shrek, you twit. RAUL Whatever. PUSS Okay peoples! This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle. DONKEY Smiles everyone, smiles! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 9. Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood. SHREK I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. FIONA I'm sorry Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh. FIONA Shrek? SHREK Yeah. FIONA You look handsome. SHREK Ah. Come here, you. She gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and Shrek leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. Shrek and Fiona let out a huge breath of air. SHREK Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit! Shrek tries to scratch his butt but to no avail. SHREK Oh. (WHISTLE) Hey you. Come here! A man holding a ruby scepter walks over to Shrek. SHREK What's your name? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 10. FIDDLESWORTH Eh, Fiddlesworth, sir. SHREK Hoo hoo hooo. Perfect. INT. BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona. MASTER OF CEREMONIES Ladies and gentlemen, Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt. SHREK You've done it. Oh, a little over to the left, yeah. That's great. FIONA Uh Shrek? Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention. SHREK Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh that's it! Oh that's good! FIONA Shrek... SHREK Oh yeah! Scratch that thing!

You got it. You're on it. That's great! FIONA SHREK! Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye. He stumbles through the crowd screaming. DONKEY Ow!! My eye! My eye! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 11. As he is stumbling, he grabs hold of a lady in the crowd. WOMAN What are you doing? The woman pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona. SHREK Fiona! He trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him. FIDDLESWORTH Uhhh... (WIMPER) Shrek has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor. SHREK Are you okay? FIONA Yeah. I'm fine. Fiona's eyes suddenly widen. Fiddlesworth's jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers. FIDDLESWORTH Ahhhh! The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire. He blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. DONKEY Oh! Shrimp! My favorite. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 12. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. CRASH! BANG! CUT TO BLACK: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The door to Fiona's room flies open. SHREK That's it! We're leaving! Shrek storms in pulling bits of buffet food off his face. FIONA Honey, please calm down... Shrek grabs the wig off of his head and throws it aside. SHREK Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona and I never will be. Shrek wipes off

his makeup with his shirt sleeve and flings his shirt to the floor. He falls onto the bed next to Donkey. DONKEY I think that went pretty well. Shrek startles. SHREK Donkey! Shrek picks him up and throws him out the door. DONKEY Aww, come on now Shrek! Shrek slams the door shut. Shrek turns back towards the bed and sees Puss reclining on his pillow. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 13. PUSS Some people just don't understand boundaries. Shrek picks Puss up by the scruff of his neck and tosses him outside the window. He shuts it. Puss sits sadly on the ledge, giving Shrek his sad-eyes routine. Shrek draws the blinds. Shrek stomps over and falls back onto the bed. Fiona tries to calm him down. FIONA Just think... a couple more days, and we'll be back home in our vermin-filled shack, strewn with fungus, filled with the rotting stench of mud and neglect. This thought calms him. Shrek takes in a long, deep breath and exhales. He smiles. SHREK Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled." FIONA And, uh... maybe even the pitter- patter of little feet on the floor...? SHREK (LAUGHS) That's right. The swamp rats will be spawning. FIONA Uh, no... you know, what I was thinking of is a little bit bigger than a swamp rat. SHREK Donkey? FIONA No, Shrek. Um... what if - THEORETICALLY - SHREK Yeah? FIONA They were little ogre feet? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 14. SHREK Oh. (NERVOUS LAUGH) Shocked, Shrek falls off the bed. He slowly emerges from behind the bed. SHREK Honey? Let's try and be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop and they cry and then they cry when they poop and they poop when they cry...Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra cry and they extra poop. FIONA Shrek. She grabs his hands and looks deeply into his eyes. FIONA Don't you ever think about having a family? Shrek takes her hand. SHREK Right now, you're my family. There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door bursts open, revealing a Royal Page. Shrek springs up.

SHREK Well, somebody better be dying. CUT TO: INT. KING'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to the King's bedroom. The King is lying on his lily pad, coughing. KING HAROLD I'm dying. The King inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. The Queen comes to the King's aid and he settles down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 15. QUEEN Harold. KING HAROLD Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. The Queen is used to these kind of non-sequiturs. QUEEN Of course darling. The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter. KING HAROLD Fiona... FIONA Yes Daddy? KING HAROLD I know I've made many mistakes with you. FIONA It's okay. KING HAROLD But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek. KING HAROLD My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. SHREK And I'm proud to call you my Frog... King Dad in-law. Shrek smiles. KING HAROLD Now, there is a matter of business to attend tooo... The King starts wheezing and coughing. Eventually he stops. They think he's dead. Puss solemnly removes his hat. PUSS The Frog King is dead. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 16. Fiona starts crying. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing. DONKEY (TO PUSS) Put your hat back on, fool. KING HAROLD Shrek, please come hither. Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King. SHREK Yeah, Dad? KING HAROLD This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. SHREK Ooo. Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer. SHREK Oh, come on Dad...an Ogre as King? I don't think that's such a good idea. There's got to be somebody else. Anybody? KING HAROLD Aside from you there is only one remaining heir. Shrek brightens. SHREK Really!? Who

is he, Dad? KING HAROLD His name is... is... is... SHREK What's his name? What's his name? KING HAROLD ...is ... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 17. Shrek leans in closer after each "is," waiting in anticipation. The King starts to hyperventilate. FIONA Daddy! The King is dead. A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on. KING HAROLD (chewing the fly) His name is Arthur. SHREK Arthur? KING HAROLD (COUGH) I know you'll do what's... (EXHALING) riiiight... He succumbs. The King really is dead now. QUEEN Harold!? SHREK Dad? Dad? Dad? Donkey bows his head. DONKEY Do your thing, man. Puss takes his hat off. Fiona starts to cry and hugs Shrek. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on the Queen, Shrek, Fiona, Puss and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. DISSOLVE TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 18. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS The streets of Far Far Away are empty. People are closing up the shops on Rodeo Drive. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The knights of Far Far Away march toward the castle as the flag is lowered to half-masked. EXT. POND - LATER Close on a statue of the late King. Shrek, Fiona, the Queen, and all the Fairy-tale Creatures and Princesses have gathered for the funeral. The Queen sets an old shoe box ("Ye Olde Footlocker") on top of a lily pad and sends it floating out into the water. An overhead shot shows the box floating through the lily pads. The camera tilts up to reveal a frog choir, singing "Live and Let Die." The Princesses, Donkey, Puss and the Fairy-tale Creatures all bow their heads solemnly. Shrek puts his arm around Fiona. The funeral has ended and the crowd begins to disperse. Shrek, Fiona and the Queen stand by the pond. The Queen sadly gazes at the pond. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. A BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The camera pulls back to reveal a cloaked figure, on horseback, overlooking the funeral. The figure removes his hood to reveal Prince Charming. He gives a smug smile, and rides off. CUT TO: EXT. POISONED

APPLE BAR - NIGHT Prince Charming rides up to the Poison Apple Bar. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 19. INT. POISONED APPLE BAR - CONTINUOUS Smoke wafts through the screen. The camera pans down to the top of a piano where an ashtray with a lit cigarette burns and a brandy sifter is filled with coins. The camera pans over to a Singing Witch who turns around to reveal a microphone in her hand. The Singing Witch starts to sing "I've Never Been To Me" by Nancy Wilson. The bar is filled with various Fairy-tale Villains. Two pirates sit forlornly with their mugs. The Puppet Master takes a drink out of a beer mug. He is surrounded by a bunch of empty beer mugs. Prince Charming enters the bar. A group is gathered around Cyclops riding a medieval mechanical bull, hooting and hollering. The bull stops and the Villains turn to look at Prince Charming. Prince Charming hangs his cape on a tree branch. The camera adjusts right to reveal the branch is actually one of the Evil Trees, who flings the cape to the floor. Everyone takes notice as Prince Charming walks through. Little Red Riding Hood is sitting on a pile of books at a table. Evil Dwarves glare in Prince Charming's direction. Prince Charming walks by a pair of witches (one is the Evil Queen from Snow White) playing pool. The Evil Queen scratches when she sees him and the pool ball goes flying into the Headless Horseman's neck. Prince Charming walks by the singing witch. He reaches the bar, pulls out a handkerchief, places it over the bar stool, and sits. Prince Charming spots the bartender with her back to him. He clears his throat. PRINCE CHARMING What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? Mabel, the other ugly stepsister, rises up in front a poster with a smiling beer wench. PRINCE CHARMING Ah Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. He winks at her. She glares at him. PRINCE CHARMING Where's Doris, taking the night off? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 20. MABEL She's not welcome here and neither are you. She spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel. MABEL (CONT'D) What do you want, Charming? PRINCE CHARMING Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... (LAUGHS) And a Fuzzy Navel. Prince Charming stands up and turns to the bar patrons. PRINCE CHARMING And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! Captain Hook rips his hook across the piano keys. The singing witch bares her teeth. The witches break their pool cues. The Puppet Master breaks his beer mug. CAPTAIN HOOK We're not your friends. Prince Charming grows nervous.

The Villains all approach Prince Charming. From behind the bar, Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar. PRINCE CHARMING Ahh! Captain Hook places his hook against Prince Charming's neck. CAPTAIN HOOK You don't belong here. PRINCE CHARMING You're right; oh, I mean you're absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? CYCLOPS Do a number on his face! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 21. PRINCE CHARMING No, no, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Prince Charming turns to the Evil Queen. PRINCE CHARMING Wicked Witch. The Seven Dwarves saved Snow White and then what happened? EVIL QUEEN Oh, what's it to you? PRINCE CHARMING They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? EVIL QUEEN Pretty unfair. Prince Charming begins to work the crowd. PRINCE CHARMING And you? Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. PUPPET MASTER I hate that little wooden puppet. Prince Charming turns to Captain Hook. PRINCE CHARMING And Hook... Prince Charming looks down at the hook. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) ... Need I say more? Captain Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage. PRINCE CHARMING And you! Frumpypigskin. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Rumplestiltskin. PRINCE CHARMING Where's that first-born you were promised, hey? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 22. Rumplestiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm. Prince Charming gains more confidence as he confronts Mabel. PRINCE CHARMING Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? Mabel sighs. PRINCE CHARMING Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating Bon Bons, cavorting with every little last Fairy-tale Creature that has ever done you wrong. Prince Charming now has everyone's attention. PRINCE CHARMING Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. The crowd listens, rapt. PRINCE CHARMING So who will join me? Who

wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?! The crowd of villains cheer and starts getting rowdy. A bar room brawl ensues. Prince Charming looks on, shocked. He ducks out of the way of a flying liquor bottle. He smiles nervously and lifts his fruity, Fuzzy Navel to drink. CUT TO: EXT. DOCKS - DUSK The camera booms down from the lighthouse. BLIND MOUSE #1 This way gents. The blind mice stumble and fall trying to get down the steps to the dock. The Fairy-tale Creatures and Dragon have gathered to wish Shrek, Puss and Donkey a bon voyage as they set off to retrieve Arthur. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 23. On the docks, two Dronkeys chase a seagull as the camera pans over to Puss who breaks free of the embrace of a lady cat. PUSS It's out of my hands senorita, the winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. Off-screen, a cat meows and walks towards Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) As are you... Camera pulls out to reveal more and more cats approaching Puss. PUSS (CONT'D) And you. Puss starts walking away as two of the cats begin to engage in a cat fight. They are hissing at each other as Puss backs away from them and into another. PUSS (CONT'D) And, uh... hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I gotta go. Puss runs out of frame. Cut to Dragon, who is talking to Donkey. Puss runs past them in the background. Dragon lets out a soft wail. DONKEY I know, I know... I don't want to leave you either baby, but you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. She gives him an understanding smile. DONKEY But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses everyday! He blows her a kiss and she catches it. He looks down at his children, holding back tears. DONKEY Alright, be strong babies! Be strong. Now, Coco, Peanut, you listen to Mama, alright? And Bananas, no more roastin' marshmallows on your sister's head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 24. Bananas lets out a fiery sneeze. DONKEY Ah, that's my special boy. Oh, come over here, all of you. Give your Daddy a big hug! The baby Dronkeys fly around their Daddy. The Dronkey that Fiona is holding flies off to join Donkey and the others. Fiona nervously takes in a breath. FIONA Shrek, maybe you should just stay and be King. SHREK Oh, c'mon, there's no way I could ever run a kingdom. That's why your

cousin Arthur's the perfect choice. FIONA It's not that. No. It's, you see... SHREK (CONT'D) And if he gives me any trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason. (holds up his right fist) Here's persuasion, (holds up his left fist) and here's reason. Shrek chuckles. Fiona gives him a look. Shrek reassures her. SHREK Fiona, soon it's just gonna be you and me and our swamp. FIONA (HESITANT) It's not going to be just you and me. The ship's fog horn sounds. SHIP CAPTAIN All aboard! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 25. SHREK It will be. I promise. I love you. He kisses her and joins Puss and Donkey on the boat. He title proudly reads: H.R.M CRUSHING RESPONSIBILITY II The boat sets sail. The Dronkeys spell out "We Love You Daddy" with smoke in the sky. FAIRYTALE CREATURES Awwwwwwwww! PIG #1 That's lovely. Donkey waves to his kids, sobs. DONKEY Bye bye babies! Fiona runs after the boat. FIONA Shrek! Shrek leans against the rail, calling out to her. SHREK Yeah? FIONA Wait! SHREK What is it? She smiles and takes a deep breath. FIONA I'm, I'm- The Ship Captain blows a fog horn and cuts her off. Shrek smiles back at her. SHREK (LAUGHS) I love you too honey! FIONA No... No, I said I'm pr- Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 26. The Ship Captain starts to blow again. Shrek grabs the horn and throws it overboard. SHREK You're what?! FIONA I said I'm pregnant! The Fairy-tale Creatures behind Fiona cheer. SHREK (doesn't want to believe HIS EARS) Uh... what was that? FIONA You're going to be a father! SHREK (NERVOUS LAUGH) That's great. FIONA Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you. Shrek smiles back at Fiona. SHREK Yeah... (NERVOUS LAUGH) Me too... you... Fiona smiles as the Queen

places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing. DONKEY I'm gonna be an Uncle. I'm gonna be an Uncle! I'm gonna be an Uncle! PUSS Oh, and you my friend are royally-- The fog horn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 27. EXT. BOAT CABIN - NIGHT The boat travels along in the open sea. Shrek is fast asleep as the boat travels through an estuary and beaches itself. Shrek wakes up. He opens the cabin door. SHREK Ahhh. Home. He smiles to himself. The boat has beached itself right outside of Shrek's swamp house. He leaps off the boat. SHREK Woohoo! EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek takes a deep breath of swamp air. SHREK Ahh. He skips and dances happily toward his house. FIONA (O.S.) Shrek!? SHREK Ooo. (LAUGHS) INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS He sashays through the front door with his eyes closed, presenting himself. SHREK Fiona! After a moment of silence, he opens his eyes, realizing that Fiona is not there. SHREK Fiona? He looks around the room, puzzled. The door slams closed behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 28. A baby carriage rolls slowly into frame behind him. He turns slowly and sees the baby carriage covered with a blanket. Shrek removes the blanket, revealing a baby ogre, smiling innocently at him. SHREK Huh? Oh no. The baby burps. SHREK (AMUSED) Better out than in, I always say. Ha ha! OGRE BABY Hiccup! This time the baby's burp turns into projectile vomit aimed directly at Shrek. Shrek puts his hand up to block the vomit, but to no avail. The baby continues to vomit, but eventually stops after completely soiling himself and Shrek. The baby looks like it's about to cry. Shrek raises his hands. SHREK No, no, no, no, no, no. Ha, ha. It's okay. It's gonna be alright. Shrek picks the baby up, smiling at it cautiously. He holds it awkwardly for a few seconds, then looks up and realizes that his house is filled with babies. OGRE BABY Da-Da! Babies roll around his living room, tearing the fabric off his chair. The chair reclines, catapulting one of the babies onto Shrek's head. A standing lamp with

a baby on top falls, and Shrek dives to catch him. Another baby is pulling the tablecloth, causing lethal knives to fly straight at him. Shrek snatches the baby away just before he is impaled. One of the babies strikes a match near the fireplace. Shrek runs over, picks up the baby and blows out the match. He takes a baby out of the cauldron. SHREK Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Would ya? No, no. Stop! Hey, hey, hey. No. Shrek panics. A baby is knocking glass jars off the shelf. Shrek catches him before he crawls off of it. Shrek runs through the room picking up babies. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 29. INT. SHREK'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS After he has collected as many babies as he can, Shrek slides open the curtain to his bedroom. SHREK Huh? He sees a baby sitting in his bed, smiling up at him. The baby shrugs. OGRE BABY Bubabatoo? Suddenly, Shrek hears a loud rumble. He turns around. Babies start pouring out of the window and the fireplace. First there is one, then two, then thirty more follow. Hundreds of them start piling in. Shrek makes a run for the doorway, but no matter how hard he runs, the doorway keeps getting farther and farther away! He keeps trying, hundreds of babies trailing behind. INT. GRADUATION STAGE - CONTINUOUS Finally, Shrek reaches the door and opens it. He slams it shut behind him and closes his eyes. Everything is quiet. He opens his eyes and finds himself on stage in front of his high school. Shrek looks up to find a graduation cap on his head. The audience is full of ogre babies laughing at him. The camera pulls back to reveal Shrek standing at the podium, naked. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DAWN, CONTINUOUS Shrek's eyes pop open, he sits upright and tries to compose himself. SHREK Ahhhh! Oh, Donkey! Donkey, wake- up! Donkey and Puss turn around, but they both have baby-ogre faces! Donkey makes a baby noise. As the camera zooms in, Donkey's eyes glow red and his teeth become sharp and pointy. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 30. DONKEY (with ogre baby head) Da-da! A fog horn blows. Shrek bolts upright again. Donkey and Puss wake up. SHREK Ahhhh! He breaths heavily, trying to compose himself. DONKEY Shrek. Shrek, are you okay? SHREK Oh... I can't believe I'm going to be a father. Donkey and Puss look at each other. He gets up and walks to the ship's railing. SHREK How did this happen? PUSS Allow me to explain. You see, when a man has certain

feelings for a woman, a powerful urge sweeps over him... SHREK I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. Shrek walks away. Donkey leans over to Puss. DONKEY How does it happen? Puss rolls his eyes at Donkey. CUT TO: Donkey sees Shrek at the back of the boat staring out at the distant horizon. He walks up next to his friend. DONKEY (SINGING) And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 31. DONKEY (CONT'D) Little boy blue and the man in the moon. Shrek rolls his eyes. DONKEY (CONT'D) "When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when, But we'll get together then, Dad-" Shrek cuts Donkey off. SHREK Donkey, can you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? Shrek slumps against the rail. Puss hops up on the railing and whispers into Shrek's other ear. PUSS You know I love Fiona, Boss. Right? (CONFIDENTIALLY) But what I'm talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat, an ice- cold pitcher of mojitos, and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Puss makes a "let's go fishing" gesture by casting an imaginary rod into the ocean. Donkey is right there to whisper in Shrek's other ear. DONKEY Man, don't you listen to him. Having a baby is not going to ruin your life. SHREK It's not my life I'm worried about ruining. It's the kid's. Donkey and Puss pause as Shrek rants. SHREK I mean...when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an...ogre" or "as nurturing as...an ogre" Or how `bout..."you're gonna' love my dad...he's a real ogre." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 32. DONKEY Okay, okay I get it! Nobody said it was going to be easy. But at least you got us to help you out. SHREK That's true. He thinks for a moment. SHREK I'm doomed. DONKEY You'll be fine. SHIP CAPTAIN You're finished. Everyone turns to look at the Captain who clears his throat. SHIP CAPTAIN Uh, with your journey. He points to shore. A majestic castle stands proudly on a nearby bluff. CUT TO: EXT. WORCESTERSHIRE ACADEMY - DAY Shrek, Puss and Donkey stand at the entrance to the castle.

Donkey reads the sign hanging over the entrance. DONKEY Wor-ces-ter-shireee. Now that sounds fancy. SHREK It's Worcestershire. DONKEY Like the sauce!? Mmmm... It's spicy! The drawbridge to the castle lowers. DONKEY Oohh! They must be expecting us. They start over the drawbridge. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 33. A horse whinnies behind them. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss jump out of the way as a medieval school bus storms by. The kids on the back of the bus scream when they see Shrek. DONKEY What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Shrek suddenly looks concerned. SHREK Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. DONKEY High school?! EXT. SCHOOL GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS A group of cheerleaders practice. CHEERLEADERS Ready?! Okay! Where for art thou headed, to the top? Yeah we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay we thinks not! We thinks not! Shrek rolls his eyes and continues on, terrifying students as he walks through the courtyard. FEMALE STUDENT #1 Ahhhhh! The kid runs away quickly into the student parking lot where a bunch of different style horse-drawn carriages are parked. A carriage passes in front of Shrek that reads: "Caution - Student Driver." DRIVERS ED INSTRUCTOR All right Mr. Percival, just ease up on the reigns- The carriage jolts forward and crashes off-screen. Two stoner kids emerge from a medieval-style "VW" carriage. VAN STUDENT (cough, cough) For lo bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 34. DONKEY I'm already starting to feel nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! PUSS But how did you receive the wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of the underpants? DONKEY Let's just say some things are better left unsaid and leave it at that. He notices two female students discussing their love lives. GUINEVERRE So then I was all like "I'd rather get the black plague and lock myself in an iron maiden than go out with you." TIFFANY Eh, totally. Shrek approaches them. SHREK Pardon me... They flee in terror.

GUINEVERRE Eh! Totally ew-th! TIFFANY Yeah, totally! A pair of dorky kids play a medieval, role-playing board game. GARY Yes! I just altered my character level to plus three superbability. SHREK Hi, we're looking for someone named- GARY Gee, who rolled a plus nine "dork" spell and summoned the beast and his quadrupeds. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 35. XAVIER Ha! Ha! (SNORT) Ah! The students panics when his nose starts to bleed. SHREK I know you're busy "not fitting in" but can either of you tell me where I can find Arthur? While Xavier tries to control the bleeding, Gary points towards the athletic field. GARY He's over there. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - CONTINUOUS In the distance, Shrek spots A BOLD KNIGHT atop his steed. He looks very impressive as he rears up ready to charge. Shrek, Donkey and Puss arrive to see the beginning of the charge. It's an exciting back and forth. Hooves pound on sand. The Knight's eyes steady. The horse rears majestically. The opponent's eyes widen in fear. The lance hits, and the opponent flies through the air and lands in front of Shrek, Puss and Donkey. Shrek looks back at the victorious Knight. He removes his helmet revealing a strong handsome face. The Knight enjoys his victory. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Ha ha! There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek turns to Puss. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 36. SHREK Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a King or what? Shrek steps forward. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Ow. Shrek looks down, his foot planted square in the chest of LANCELOT's opponent. Shrek steps back. SHREK Oh. Sorry. The kid doesn't budge, his arms and legs still sprawled out where he hit the ground. TEENAGER (ARTIE) Did you just say you were looking for Arthur? Shrek, Puss and Donkey turn back around. PUSS That information is on a need to know basis. DONKEY It's top secret, hushity hush. CUT TO: EXT. JOUSTING RANGE - KNIGHTS AREA The Knight commands his

troops. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Now gentlemen let's away... to the showers! JOCKS Oy! Right! Ooo! Ooo! Shrek approaches the Knight. The Knight's horse rears up and he falls off. The horse gallops off. The Knight looks up at Shrek in fear. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 37. SHREK (CONT'D) Greetings your majesty. This is your lucky day. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) So what for like are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? SHREK Oh, ho, ho, ho. Giant mutant leprechaun... You made a funny. Shrek scoops up the Knight, tosses him over his shoulder, ogre-style. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) Unhand me, monster! SHREK Stop squirming, Arthur. KNIGHT (LANCELOT) I'm not Arthur! Shrek stops and holds Lancelot above his head. Lancelot tries to regain his dignity. LANCELOT I am Lancelot. Lancelot points across the school yard. LANCELOT That dork over there is Arthur! He points to the TEENAGE ARTHUR, skulking away across the school yard. SHREK Hey! Artie turns his head briefly, but keeps on walking. Shrek sighs and dumps Lancelot to the ground. LANCELOT Aaah. Shrek storms off towards the school. Puss and Donkey catch up. One of the female students steps in front of Shrek. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 38. GUINEVERRE Ahem! This is like totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly... The other girls giggle. GUINEVERRE And she thought perchance thou would wanna ask her to the Homecoming Dance or something... SHREK Uh, excuse me? GUINEVERRE It's like whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff. She pops her gum. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY - LATER Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie. SHREK Oh Arthur! Come out, come out wherever you are... Off-screen we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as Donkey pushes the locker door open. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing. DONKEY Yeah, you better run, you little punk no good-niks, `cause the days of "Little Donkey Dumpy Drawers" are over!

An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a HALL MONITOR who stops them. HALL MONITOR Hold it... Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 39. COSTUME STUDENT 1 We're here for the Mascot Contest. COSTUME STUDENT 2 Grrrrr! The Hall Monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea. SHREK (pleased with himself) We're here for the Mascot Contest too. The Hall Monitor reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin. Shrek tries to hide the pain. HALL MONITOR (SUSPICIOUS) This is a costume? SHREK (RECOVERING) Aaaiyyyy... worked on it all night long! The Hall Monitor lets his face snap back into place. Shrek struggles not to scream in agony. Hall Monitor is still suspicious. HALL MONITOR Looks pretty real to me. PUSS If it were real could I do this? Puss's claws snap out one at a time like jack-knives and then Puss jabs all the claws deep into Shrek's butt. DONKEY Or this? Donkey kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs. Shrek winces and sweats. SHREK (UNBELIEVABLY STRAINED) He's right! If it were real that would have been agonizingly painful! DONKEY Now watch this.... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 40. SHREK (INTERRUPTING; THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) That's quite enough boys. INT. GYMNASIUM - CONTINUOUS Principal Pynchley presides over an assembly for the entire student body. He speaks through a megaphone. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Thank you to Professor Primbottom for his invigorating lecture on how to just say "nay". Two students are standing next to Pynchley. One is dressed up like a dragon and the other as a griffin. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire-hoozah to the winner of our "New Mascot" contest... the-- Shrek bursts through the double-doors of the gym. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY (CONT'D) --ogre? The students gasp as Shrek marches forward. SHREK That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys... at whatever it is they're doing. The band

plays Smashmouth's "Rock Star." PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY This is indeed all a bit unorthodox. Without breaking stride, Shrek grabs Principal Pynchley's megaphone. SHREK Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 41. The students all point... to the basketball hoop, where Artie hangs helplessly. Shrek, Donkey and Puss turn and look up and see the freshly wedgied student. The students laugh. In the front row, Lancelot bumps fists with Bohort. LANCELOT Classic. Donkey turns to Lancelot. DONKEY You should be ashamed of yourself. LANCELOT I didn't do it. They did. Lance points to the D&D nerds. They are beside themselves with nasal laughter. Nosebleed boy starts bleeding again. Shrek reaches up and pulls Artie down to eye level. ARTIE Please don't eat me. STUDENTS (CHANTING) Eat him! Eat him! Even Principal Pynchley gets caught up in the excitement. PRINCIPAL PYNCHLEY Eat him! Shrek yanks on Artie and pulls him off the hoop. SHREK I'm not here to eat him. STUDENTS AWWW. SHREK It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. ARTIE What? The students react with surprise and disbelief. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 42. LANCELOT Artie a King? More like the Mayor of Loserville. BOHORT Nice one Lance! They high five. The tuba player plays a Wha-wha-wha. LANCELOT Burn. Everyone laughs. ARTIE Is this for real? SHREK Absolutely. Now clean out your locker, kid. You've got a kingdom to run. ARTIE So wait, I'm really the only heir? Shrek pauses for just a moment, then... SHREK The one and only. ARTIE Give me just a second. Artie turns back to the crowd and delivers a heartfelt speech. ARTIE My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Because maybe, just maybe... this guy's gonna turn out to be, uh...I

dunno...a King! And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him -- that's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team. Artie points and Lancelot and his buddies look horrified. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 43. ARTIE And Gwen... oh Gwen. I've always loved you. GUINEVERRE Ew. ARTIE Well good friends, it breaks my heart, but, enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world baby! SHREK Alright, let's not overdo it. ARTIE I'm building my city people! On Rock and Roll! SHREK You just overdid it. Shrek shoves the kid through the door. ARTIE Ow! Shrek, Donkey, and Puss exit the gymnasium. CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - DAY All the Princesses and Fairy-tale Creatures have gathered for Fiona's baby shower. A group of birds gently place a flowered wreath on Fiona's head. The Princesses all gaze at her. PRINCESSES (GASP) Oh! SNOW WHITE Look at you! RAPUNZEL Wow! SNOW WHITE You look darling! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 44. SLEEPING BEAUTY Just precious! Look at her! RAPUNZEL So, have you had any cravings since you've been pregnant? Fiona stands at the buffet table, stuffing her face with cakes, pies, and anything else she can get her hands on. FIONA (MOUTH FULL) No, no, not at all. She takes another bite. FIONA Do you smell ham? SNOW WHITE (SINGING) Oooh! It's present time! The birds and forest creatures all flock to Snow White. They chirp and hoot happily. Snow White looks annoyed. CINDERELLA Oh, Fiona, won't you please open mine first? It's the one in front. Fiona reads the card. FIONA (READING) "Congratulations on your new mess maker..." Oh, `mess maker.' (LAUGHS) "Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella." Fiona opens it and pulls out a plastic baggy and pooper- scooper. PRINCESSES Oooo! Aaaah! DORIS Will you look at that! SLEEPING BEAUTY What is it? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 45.

CINDERELLA It's for the poopies. SLEEPING BEAUTY Eww. Wait, babies poop? RAPUNZEL Everyone poops Beauty. The Fairy-tale Creatures get excited. PIG #2 Fiona... PIG #1 Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present too. PIGS Yah! Pinocchio spins around, revealing a "Baby-Bjorn" with Gingerbread Man inside. GINGERBREAD MAN/PINOCCHIO Ta dah! PRINCESSES Oooh. GINGERBREAD MAN You know the baby's gonna love it because I do! FIONA Oh, you guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Fiona turns to another present. FIONA Who's this one from? SNOW WHITE I got you the biggest one because I love you the most. The other girls scowl at her. FIONA (reading the card) "Have one on me, love Snow White" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 46. Fiona pulls the string, opening the box to reveal a dwarf. FIONA (CONFUSED) Umm... what is it? SNOW WHITE Ha, haaa! He's a live-in baby- sitter. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? FIONA You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. SNOW WHITE Think nothing of it. I've got six more at home. FIONA What does he do? CINDERELLA The cleaning. SNOW WHITE The feeding. NANNY DWARF The burping. FIONA So what are Shrek and I supposed to do? RAPUNZEL Well, now you'll have plenty of time to work on your marriage. FIONA Gee thanks Rapunzel, and what's that supposed to mean? RAPUNZEL Oh, come on now, Fiona. You know what happens. Cinderella prods beauty. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 47. SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING) Huh? You're tired all the time... SNOW WHITE You'll start letting yourself go... GINGERBREAD MAN Stretch marks! RAPUNZEL Say goodbye to romance. Dragon puts her head through the

window. DRAGON Yort. FIONA Um sorry... but how many of you have kids? Doris wedges herself in on the couch. DORIS She's right. A baby is only gonna strengthen the love that Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me! Fiona smiles. FIONA Well, when he first found out...Shrek said- DRAGON Roarrr! CUT TO: EXT. SKY ABOVE FAR FAR AWAY - DAY The Fairy-tale Villains are heading into town on flying broomsticks. The Evil Trees are hanging underneath some of the large broomsticks. Prince Charming is riding side saddle with one of the witches. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) (LAUGHING) Onward my new friends. (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 48. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) To our happily ever afters! Ha ha ha ha ha! A bug flies into his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Gaa! Gulp! Ahhhh! Prince Charming takes the bug out of his mouth. PRINCE CHARMING Now, bombs away! From the sky, Prince Charming, Cyclops and the Evil Witches swoop down in "winged" formation on the broomsticks. The Evil Trees are dropped like bombs. They pull their branches (i.e. rip cord) to activate their plumage as parachutes. Prince Charming and his army dive bomb towards Rodeo Drive. EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS A POV shot of an Evil Witch flying over Rodeo Drive. People are diving out of her way. The Evil Trees land, surrounding the shoppers, who flee in terror. EVIL TREES Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A shadow falls over the child, and he looks up to reveal Captain Hook and the Headless Horseman on horseback. CAPTAIN HOOK Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. MOTHER His name's not Peter! CAPTAIN HOOK Shut it, Wendy! MOTHER Ahhh! Evil dwarves chase patrons from the "Ye Olde Booteria" shop. They replace a few letters on a store window and turn it into "Ye Olde HOOTERS." The excited patrons race back in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 49. An Evil Knight scares the patrons of Farbucks away and then takes a seat to drink the unfinished coffee. Another Villain throws a cart through a store window. Cyclops rips the stamps off some envelopes, puts the envelopes back in the mailbox and laughs. CYCLOPS Ha, ha, ha, ha! The camera pans up to Prince Charming on the broomstick

flying down Rodeo Drive. PRINCE CHARMING Enough pillaging! To the castle! Prince Charming, on the broom, leads the Fairy-tale Villains up to the castle. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE - CONTINUOUS The Evil Witches surround the castle. Dragon takes down one of the witches flying by, but more Evil Witches circle her. Fiona runs to the window. The Evil Witches drop a metal net over Dragon. She struggles. DRAGON Roarrrr! CUT TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BANG! The Fairy-tale Creatures run to barricade the door. The Three Pigs and Pinocchio push a dresser and other furniture in front of the door. The Fairy-tale Creatures are fortifying the room. They brace themselves against the furniture. GINGERBREAD MAN (TO FIONA) You go and take care of the baby! The Princesses panic. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 50. SNOW WHITE Everybody stay calm. We're all going to die! Doris slaps Snow White to calm her down. SNOW WHITE (WHIMPER) Fiona rushes to the fireplace and pushes it to one side, revealing an underground passageway. FIONA Everyone in! Now. INT. OUTSIDE LIBRARY DOOR - CONTINUOUS Prince Charming commands the Villains. PRINCE CHARMING C'mon. Put some back into it people! The Villains use an Evil Tree as a battering ram. Cyclops rides the tree like a mechanical bull. CYCLOPS Yee-haw! Ow. INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS BOOM! The door is starting to give way. FIONA We don't have time. Now go! QUEEN Quickly ladies! The Princesses go down the stairs. GINGERBREAD MAN We'll hold them off as long as we can! BOOM! There is a loud explosion and the door blows open. Prince Charming and the Fairy-tale Villains enter. He spots the Fairy-tale Creatures having a tea party. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 51. PRINCE CHARMING Where are Shrek and Fiona? GINGERBREAD MAN Name doesn't ring a bell. PIG #1 Yah! PIG #2 No bell! The Fairy-tale Creatures go back to drinking their tea. PRINCE CHARMING I suggest you freaks cooperate with

the new King of Far Far Away. GINGERBREAD MAN The only thing you're ever gonna be King of is "King of the Stupids." Prince Charming snaps his fingers. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! CAPTAIN HOOK Right! Captain Hook approaches Gingerbread Man. CAPTAIN HOOK Avast, ye cookie! He raises his hook under Gingerbread Man's chin. CAPTAIN HOOK Start talkin'! Gingerbread Man tries to hold strong, but passes out. A montage of Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes. INT. BAKERY - DAY A baker pulls some gingerbread cookies out of the oven. He puts on the gum drop buttons and Gingerbread Man is born. MUFFIN MAN Gingy! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 52. GINGERBREAD MAN Papa! INT. GINGERBREAD CLASSROOM - DAY Gingerbread Man is attending school. TEACHER Settle down, now. Gingerbread Man graduates. EXT. ROAD TRIP - DAY Gingerbread Man is driving in his car with the top down. INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT Gingerbread Man is making out with his girlfriend at a movie. EXT. CHURCH - DAY Gingerbread Man and his bride run down the aisle as man and wife. INT. FARQUAAD'S CASTLE - DAY Gingerbread Man is locked in a jail. Farquaad pulls off his legs. INT. GYM - DAY Gingerbread Man is running on a treadmill, doing his rehabilitation. EXT. WHEAT FIELD - DAY Gingerbread Man is running through a wheat field. CUT BACK TO: INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS Gingerbread Man is still in a dream state singing. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 53. GINGERBREAD MAN (SINGING) "On the Good Ship Lollypop, It's a sweet trip, To the candy shop, Where the Bon Bons play, On the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay.." Prince Charming becomes frustrated, he turns Pinocchio's head towards him. PRINCE CHARMING You! You can't lie. So tell me puppet... Where is Shrek?! Pinocchio thinks. PINOCCHIO (NERVOUS) Well, I don't know where he's not. Prince Charming gets in Pinocchio's face.

PRINCE CHARMING You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? Pinocchio is still a little nervous. PINOCCHIO It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. Pinocchio thinks he has the upper hand. PRINCE CHARMING So you do know where he is! PINOCCHIO On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less, not definitely rejecting the idea, that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty that... PRINCE CHARMING Stop it. PINOCCHIO (CONT'D) ...I undeniably do or do not know where he shouldn't probably be. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 54. Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated. PINOCCHIO If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. Gingerbread Man continues to sing his "Lollipop Song." PIG #1 Oh, enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! Oh! The pig realizes his admission and immediately covers his mouth. Pinocchio laughs nervously. PRINCE CHARMING He's bringing back the next heir? PINOCCHIO No! Pinocchio's nose grows. PRINCE CHARMING Hook! Get rid of this new "King." CAPTAIN HOOK Right! PRINCE CHARMING But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. PINOCCHIO He'll never fall for your tricks! Pinocchio's nose grows again. WOLF Oh boy. CUT TO: EXT. BOAT DECK - DUSK The boat cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 55. ARTIE I can't believe it... me a King? I...I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. He looks out to sea, disbelieving. SHREK Oh no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. Artie smiles. ARTIE Really? Wow! Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. SHREK It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle.

ARTIE Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Shrek chuckles sheepishly. SHREK Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. ARTIE Whoa!! This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles... princesses. DONKEY It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. Puss jumps up onto the railing next to Artie. PUSS And fortunately you'll have the royal food tasters. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 56. ARTIE (INTRIGUED)) Oh yeah? What do they do? PUSS They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. ARTIE Poisoned? Shrek senses trouble and immediately steps in. SHREK Or too salty! Shrek turns to Puss and Donkey, trying to shut them up. DONKEY (TO ARTIE) Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards. ARTIE Body guards? PUSS All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. ARTIE Really? PUSS Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "shut-up" to Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Just make sure they don't die of famine. PUSS Or plague. DONKEY Oh, plague is bad. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 57. PUSS The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Shrek interrupts with a mock laugh. SHREK Oh! Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. PUSS What did I say? SHREK We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. Shrek motions to Artie, but he's gone. They all look around. SHREK (CONT'D) Uh, Artie? The boat suddenly pitches to the right. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. ALL Whoa! Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken Ship Captain slides by.

SHIP CAPTAIN Whoa! Oh, there goes my hip. SHREK Artie! Shrek turns the wheel the other way. SHREK (CONT'D) What are you doing?! The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffle board stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it. ARTIE What does it look like?! He jams it in the boat's wheel. The boat lurches. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 58. He swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it. SHREK This really isn't up to you! Artie falls underneath the wheel. He stands up shoving the wheel back the other way. ARTIE But I don't know anything about being King! SHREK You'll learn on the job! Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. DONKEY Whoaaa! Shrek grabs the wheel and swings it around. Artie yanks the wheel. They wrestle for control. ARTIE Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back! SHREK Back to what? Being a loser?! As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking. SHREK (CONT'D) Now look what you did! ARTIE Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel chief? Donkey climbs up onto the railing. He is seasick and is about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead. DONKEY (SWALLOWING; THEN SHOUTING) Shrek! Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 59. The camera pans past the boat. Off-screen we hear the boat crash into the rocks. SHIP CAPTAIN (O.S.) Land ho! EXT. BEACH - DUSK Shrek, holding Puss and Donkey, staggers onto a small beach. He glares at Artie who pulls himself out of the surf. Shrek drops Puss and Donkey. Puss, tired of being wet, shakes himself vigorously. His fur puffs up into a fro. He drops his head in shame. PUSS How humiliating... SHREK Oh, nice going, Your Highness. ARTIE Oh, so now it's "Your highness?" What happened to "loser?" Huh? SHREK Hey, if you think this is getting you out of anything, well it

isn't. We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're gonna be a father! Artie raises an eyebrow. Puss and Donkey stare at Shrek uncomfortably. ARTIE What? DONKEY (clearing his throat) A-hem. You just said father... SHREK You're... I said king. You're gonna be King! ARTIE (IMITATING SHREK) "You're gonna be King!" Yeah right. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 60. Artie shakes his head and marches down the beach toward a path into the woods. SHREK Where do you think you're going? ARTIE Far Far Away... from you! SHREK You get back here young man and I mean it! Artie keeps climbing. PUSS Uh boss, I don't think he's coming back and maybe it's for the best. He is not exactly king material. Shrek looks towards Artie. DONKEY When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be King? SHREK Oh c'mon, now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Shrek starts off after Artie. Donkey jumps in front of Shrek. DONKEY Hey, woah ho ho, Shrek. Then you're gonna have to change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid. Beat. SHREK You're right, Donkey. Shrek picks up a piece of driftwood. SHREK What about this? Donkey shakes his head in disgust. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 61. DONKEY Shrek! Shrek tosses the log. SHREK Oh c'mon. It's just a joke. (LAUGHS) Still... Shrek walks off, trying to catch up to Artie. EXT. FOREST - MOMENTS LATER Artie marches up the mountain trail. Shrek thinks for a moment and then tries a different tactic with the kid. He catches up to Artie. SHREK Listen Artie... Artie looks back over his shoulder. He sees Shrek and just keeps going. SHREK (CONT'D) If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screaming is, yo, check out this kazing thazing bazaby. Puss and Donkey glance at each other. Artie notices a cottage in the distance

and heads toward it. SHREK I mean, if it doesn't groove or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', just say, oh no you didn't, you know, you're gettin' on my last nerve. And then I'll know it's... then I'll know it's whack-- Passing a tree, Artie nonchalantly releases the branch, striking Shrek square in the face and takes off running. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 62. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP -- CONTINUOUS A boiling soup pot sits over a fire in front of a small shack. Artie charges though, pounding desperately on the door. ARTIE SOMEBODY HELP! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER TRYING TO RELATE TO ME! SHREK Artie! Wait! Shrek, Puss, and Donkey run into the camp. ARTIE C'mon! C'mon! Help! Help! Hello? Suddenly, a burst of light shoots through a candle box that is hung on the door. A bright, colorful image of an old wizard's head is projected out. Donkey is terrified. DONKEY AHHHH! WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Greetings cosmic children of the universe, and welcome to my serenity circle! Shrek watches. WIZARD HEAD (MERLIN) Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. And now prepare ... With a "FZZZZT" and a "BLOOP", the image disappears. The door opens and a tiny old man, Merlin, comes out. MERLIN I knew I should of gotten that warranty! Merlin smashes the security device with his little fist and is promptly zapped in the head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 63. MERLIN AHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. ARTIE Mr. Merlin? SHREK You know this guy? ARTIE Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher until he had his nervous breakdown. MERLIN Uh, technically I was merely a victim of a level three fatigue, and at the request of my therapist and the school authorities, I have retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Merlin smacks a fly that has landed on his head. Shrek and Artie stare in astonishment. MERLIN Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? SHREK Uh, no. Merlin offers up a baking dish full of rocks. MERLIN Sure you don't wanna try my famous rock au-gratin? Merlin takes a bite and chews loudly. His gums are bleeding from eating rocks.

MERLIN It's organic! They both stare at him uncomfortably. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 64. SHREK Oh, thanks, I just ate a boulder on the way in. What we need are directions back to Far Far Away. ARTIE What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you? SHREK Oh, I did. Cause there's a lot of people counting on you so don't try and weasel out of it. ARTIE If it's such a great job, why don't you do it? SHREK Understand this kid, it's no more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out! ARTIE Oh, so that was your "Mr. Nice Guy?" SHREK I know, and I'm gonna miss him. ARTIE You know what? Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone? SHREK Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there. (TO MERLIN) Now which way am I kicking? MERLIN Oh, I could tell you. But since you're in the midst of self- destructive rage spiral it would be karmic-ly irresponsible. SHREK Self-destructive ra... (TO MERLIN) Look, are you gonna help us or not? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 65. MERLIN Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul. SHREK Yeah, I don't think so. MERLIN Look pal, it's either that or some primal scream therapy. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shrek grabs Merlin's mouth and closes it. SHREK Alright, alright... journey to the soul... CUT TO: EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - LATER A fire blazes. Merlin throws a handful of dirt into the fire, it flares. MERLIN Now all of you, look into the "Fire of Truth" and tell me what you see! Yah! Ha! (Wild war cry) Woo-looo-looo-looo! He points at the smoke and it starts to form objects (i.e. Rorschach inkblots). Puss and Donkey, excited, sit by the fire. DONKEY Ooo! Charades! Okay, I see a dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls. MERLIN Okay. Monster, go for it. Shrek glances at the fire. The stroller from his nightmare begins to take shape in the smoke. He blows the image away. He covers his fear and changes the subject. SHREK I see a rainbow pony. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 66.

MERLIN Excellent work! (THEN) Now! The boy! ARTIE This is lame. Merlin whacks Artie on the back of the head. ARTIE Ow! MERLIN You're lame! Now just go for it. He tosses more dirt and flames burst up. Artie studies it. ARTIE Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Merlin starts beating a drum. Artie's expression starts to change as he stays focused. MERLIN Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it! ARTIE Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? Shrek starts to take this in as he watches. Artie gets more worked up. ARTIE It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It.. it's gonna fall! Suddenly, Artie catches what he said. As the smoke drifts away, he looks and sees everyone else staring back at him, stunned. MERLIN Whew, proper head case you are, aren't you? Really messed up. Whoa. Merlin goes back inside. They all stare at Artie. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 67. ARTIE Yeah, yeah, okay. I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Donkey gives Shrek a nudge to go over and talk to Artie. Shrek hesitates and Donkey insists. SHREK (CLEARS THROAT) Look Artie...um- Just as he's about to get going, "That's What Friends Are For" starts playing loudly from Merlin's security device drowning out any conversation. They all turn toward the shack where Merlin peeks out. MERLIN (loud, over the music) Just thought I might help set the mood! Y'know for your big heart to heart chat! Everyone stares at him. He sheepishly turns off the device and shuts the door. It's quiet again. SHREK I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Artie looks at him. SHREK Even ogres get scared...you know, once in a while. ARTIE I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it and I never will be, alright? Shrek takes this in. ARTIE (CONT'D) Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school the first chance he got and I never heard from him again. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 68. SHREK My dad wasn't really the fatherly

type either. ARTIE Well, I doubt he was worse than mine. SHREK Oh yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. Artie looks at Shrek. SHREK Now, I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. Artie chuckles at this. ARTIE Okay... I guess that's... pretty bad. Artie laughs and then pokes at the fire. SHREK You know, it may be hard to believe what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think that I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. Artie looks up at Shrek. SHREK (CONT'D) But after awhile, you learn to ignore the names that people call you and you just trust who you are. Artie gently pokes at the embers with a stick for a moment. ARTIE You know, you're okay, Shrek. He tosses the stick into the fire. ARTIE You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 69. SHREK Thanks Artie. ARTIE The soap's because you stink. Really bad. SHREK Yeah. I got that. The camera slowly booms up and away from the group as the fire continues to burn. CUT TO: INT. SEWER CATACOMBS - CONTINUOUS The Princesses, Fiona and the Queen are surrounded by darkness as they tiptoe down the steps and into the catacombs below the castle. They round a corner and step onto a ledge with Fiona leading the way, holding a torch. CINDERELLA Oh this place is filthy. I feel like a hobo. Fiona tries to keep her frustration in check. SNOW WHITE I'm sorry but this just isn't working for me. Sleeping Beauty, still being carried by Doris, wakes up. SLEEPING BEAUTY Everything's always about you, isn't it? It's not like your attitude is helping, Snow. SNOW WHITE Well maybe it just bothers you that I was voted fairest in the land. RAPUNZEL You mean in that rigged election? SNOW WHITE Oh, give me a break. (gesturing toward hair) (MORE) Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 70. SNOW WHITE (cont'd) "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden extensions!" QUEEN Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together.

Snow White and Rapunzel share an indignant look. Fiona travels deeper into the catacombs. The other Princesses follow. SNOW WHITE So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stink hole until we rot. FIONA No, we're gonna get inside and find out what Charming's up to. DORIS I know he's a jerk and everything, but I gotta admit, that Charming makes me hotter than July. SLEEPING BEAUTY Ew! RAPUNZEL Ugh. Finally, Fiona spots what she was looking for. FIONA That's it! Fiona, the Queen and the Princesses run towards a long ladder and climb up through a grate into the main castle courtyard. EXT. CASTLE GROUNDS - CONTINUOUS They peer around a corner and see the construction of an outdoor theater is underway. Two stagehands walk by carrying a large dragon set piece. Evil dwarves are busy painting the set. The finishing touches are put on the stage tower. The Princesses hug the wall as a group of guards march by. Rapunzel takes off in the other direction, and signals the Princesses to follow her. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 71. RAPUNZEL Come on, this way! FIONA Rapunzel. Wait! Fiona and the Princesses race after Rapunzel. They spot her sprinting into the castle and follow her. They burst through the doors and see Prince Charming holding Rapunzel by the arm. FIONA Charming, let go of her. A large group of armed Far Far Away Guards surround them. Prince Charming smiles at Fiona. PRINCE CHARMING But why would I want to do that? RAPUNZEL Grrrr! PRINCE CHARMING Woof! He looks back at Rapunzel lovingly, and the two share a long kiss. Fiona and the other Princesses are shocked. FIONA What? PRINCE CHARMING Say hello ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Cinderella claps excitedly. CINDERELLA Yaaaaaaaaay! The Princesses stare her down. FIONA Rapunzel, how could you? RAPUNZEL Jealous much? Prince Charming eyes up the Princesses. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 72. PRINCE CHARMING Soon you'll be back where you started... scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week.

RAPUNZEL But Pooky, you promised you wouldn't hurt them! PRINCE CHARMING Not here, "kitten whiskers." Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us, we have a show to put on. FIONA Shrek will be back soon Charming, and you'll be sorry. He stops and flashes a sadistic smile. PRINCE CHARMING Sorry? Don't you realize --once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away he's doomed? Prince Charming leads Rapunzel out. She looks back at them apologetically. Everyone wears a look of defeat. The guards march them off. Fiona and the princesses are locked away in a prison cell. Fiona looks through the bars of the cell, feeling helpless. CUT TO: EXT. WOODS OUTSIDE OF FAR FAR AWAY - DAY Shrek startles awake. He sits up and scratches his head, looking around. He realizes it's morning. Behind him a peaceful bird lands on a tree branch. Suddenly, the tree branch that was holding the bird flicks it off. Shrek senses the movement behind him and turns around to find everything is normal. He turns back around to wake up everyone. The trees start to advance toward Shrek. The log Artie is sleeping on suddenly sits up, knocking Artie, who is still asleep, to the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 73. ARTIE Ow! The tree turns around to reveal an Evil Tree. Donkey finally wakes up. DONKEY Ahhh! The Evil Trees continue to advance. A piano is heard. The trees part and Hook is revealed to be playing the piano. The music builds to a dramatic finale. Captain Hook turns away from his keys and faces them. DONKEY Look out! They've got a piano! CAPTAIN HOOK Kill `em all. Except the fat one. He stares hard at Shrek and aims his hooked prosthetic. CAPTAIN HOOK King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. Shrek is perplexed. SHREK "King Charming?" CAPTAIN HOOK Attack! Pirates charge forward, swinging in from the tree branches. PIRATES AAAARGH! One lands and gets his peg-leg stuck in the ground. The pirates close in. Shrek grabs one and throws him to the side. One pirate raises his sword and prepares to swing at Artie. SHREK Artie, Duck! Shrek pushes Artie's head down and the sword narrowly misses him. The pirate prepares to swing again and Shrek lifts Artie above his head. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 74.

Still in the air, Artie uses both legs to kick the pirate to the ground. Shrek and Artie share a satisfied look. A pirate charges Donkey. DONKEY Ahhh! Puss draws his sword and begins fighting off the pirate, protecting Donkey. CAPTAIN HOOK Ha-ha! Argh! PIRATES Argh! Argh! The camera pans across the back of the piano to reveal Merlin happily playing along with Captain Hook. He notices and rudely elbows Merlin out of the way. A pirate runs at Shrek, only to be tripped by Artie. The pirate bounces off Shrek's belly. CAPTAIN HOOK Ready the plank! A wooden board is thrown on a stump, creating a makeshift "plank." The pirates back Shrek onto the plank. Several pirates with swords force Shrek onto the plank. He is backed up to the edge of the plank and falls into a waiting treasure chest below. Several pirates try to shut the lid on him. Puss, Donkey and Artie are trying to hold off the Villains. Suddenly, two Evil Trees come into frame and scoop Puss, Donkey and Artie up in a net. The pirates aim the cannon at Puss, Donkey and Artie. Artie starts to panic. Puss extracts his claws and tries to cut through the netting. The cannon fuse is lit. Shrek bursts open the treasure chest and stands up with the chest still stuck to his behind. DONKEY Shrek! ARTIE Help! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 75. Shrek sees the lit fuse and quickly formulates a plan. He grabs two pirates and shoves them into the treasure chest. He tosses the chest onto the other end of the plank and catapults himself over to the cannon. At the last second, Shrek is able to aim the cannon in the opposite direction. The cannon fires and hits Captain Hook's piano, blowing it into pieces. Realizing their defeat, the Evil Trees drop the netting that holds Donkey, Puss and Artie. The Evil Trees and Pirates take off running. Captain Hook turns and sees his army running off. He shakes his hook in the air. CAPTAIN HOOK Ya cowards! SHREK What has Charming done with Fiona? CAPTAIN HOOK She's gonna get what's coming to her. He raises his hook threateningly but it gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away with the rest of the Villains. CAPTAIN HOOK Ahhh. (YELLING BACK) And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! TIGHT ON SHREK, filled with worry. Nothing else matters to him now. Artie, Puss, and Donkey run over to Shrek. PUSS We've got to save her! DONKEY

But she's so far far away! Shrek thinks for a moment. SHREK Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 76. ARTIE No, Shrek. Hold on a second. I've got an idea. EXT. MERLIN'S CAMP - CONTINUOUS Merlin is sitting cross-legged, deep in meditation. Artie approaches him. MERLIN (CHANTING) I'm a buzzing bee, buzz, buzz, buzz... ARTIE Mr. Merlin, they need a spell to get them...I mean, us, back to Far Far Away. Merlin stops meditating and looks out of the corner of his eye at Artie. MERLIN (GETTING UP) Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug instead? Hmm? That's the best kind of magic. Artie tries a new approach. ARTIE Mr. Merlin please. I know you can DO IT- MERLIN I said, forget it! ARTIE BUT- Merlin turns and starts to walk away muttering under his breath. MERLIN (CONT'D) Mumble, grumble, interrupt my healing. Mumble, mumble. Artie thinks for a moment, staring at Merlin. Artie starts to sob. Merlin stops and turns around. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 77. MERLIN Oh. What, what's with you? Artie continues to cry. ARTIE It's just so hard. You know? They really need to get back `cause their kingdom's in trouble `cause there's a really bad man and it's just so hard... Merlin is visibly uncomfortable. MERLIN C'mon, take it easy. Artie's blubbering becomes frustrated and unpredictable. ARTIE No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people- SHREK Oh, have a heart old man! Artie grabs him, now desperate. ARTIE And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them? MERLIN Oh. Artie speaks one last, indecipherable line. Merlin is stunned. He doesn't know what to do. MERLIN Uh, Okay... I'll go and get my things. Merlin goes into his cave. Artie immediately recovers. Shrek is impressed. ARTIE Piece of cake. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 78.

SHREK Well, well, well. You want some eggs with that ham? Shrek smiles. Merlin returns holding a spell book. MERLIN Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. DONKEY Side effects!? MERLIN Don't worry, whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it'll wear off eventually... I think. Merlin cracks his knuckles. A bolt of lighting shoots out his hands and blows up a rock next to Donkey. DONKEY Ah! MERLIN Oops. Donkey and Puss shoot Shrek a pleading look. DONKEY Are you sure this is a good idea? SHREK Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his- MERLIN Alacraticious expeditious, a zoomy zoom zoom. Let's help our friends get back, um... soon! Magic rays shoot out of Merlin's fingers. Shrek, Puss, Donkey and Artie disappear in a puff of smoke. MERLIN Woah! It worked! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 79. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE WOODS - CONTINUOUS They reappear and fall out of the sky and bounce through the canopy of a large apple tree. They ping-pong through the foliage and land in a heap at the base of the tree. DONKEY (moan and groan) Donkey adjusts himself, feeling hung over. DONKEY (CONT'D) (in Puss' body) Oh man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY (in Puss' body) What? Is there something in my teeth? Donkey's eyes widen. He realizes his voice is coming out of Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Huh? What the? (GASP) Oh no! Donkey (in Puss' body) grabs Puss' hat. He looks down at Puss' boots. His tail begins to twitch. DONKEY (in Puss' body) I've been abracadabra'd into a fancy feasting second rate sidekick. Puss (in Donkey's body) falls from a tree next to Donkey (in Puss' body). PUSS (in Donkey's body) At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pi�ata. You really should think about going on a diet! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 80. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and you should think about getting yourself a

pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty. Both Shrek and Artie stare at them. A strained smile pasted to their faces. They burst out laughing. Donkey joins Puss, both of them scowling. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, so you two think this is funny? Puss is fuming. Shrek and Artie regain their composure. ARTIE (SNICKERS) I'm really sorry guys. SHREK Don't be! You got us back kid. Shrek motions to Far Far Away, just a few miles ahead of them. He turns back to Artie. Artie smiles. Donkey takes a few awkward steps in Puss' body. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? PUSS Be very careful with those - HEE HAW! Puss is shocked by this. He tries to recover. PUSS They were made in Madrid by the finest- HEE HAW! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 81. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Oh, you'll learn to control that. TIME CUT TO: EXT. ENTRANCE TO FAR FAR AWAY - AFTERNOON Shrek, Puss (in Donkey's body), and Artie rush past a welcome sign to the town that has been boarded over so it now reads "Go Go Away." Donkey (in Puss' body) struggles to walk. His tender new feet hurt in their tiny boots. DONKEY Seriously man, you need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. (noticing Rodeo Drive) Woah! Inside the kingdom, Rodeo Drive is trashed. There is graffiti everywhere. Suddenly a carriage driven by Evil Witches comes zooming down Rodeo Drive. EVIL WITCHES Woohoo!! The carriage zips around a corner on two wheels. A drunken Evil Dwarf is almost hit by the carriage while crossing the street. Shrek is shocked by what he sees. A crash is heard off-screen. EVIL DWARF #1 Hey... watch it I'm walking here... and I'm gonna keep going... A large explosion is heard off-screen while Little Red Riding Hood pick pockets the Evil Dwarf. A carriage wheel on fire rolls by a marionette theatre with Pinocchio dancing in it. SHREK Pinocchio? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 82. PINOCCHIO Shrek! Shrek and the rest rush over as the curtain starts to go down on Pinocchio. He presses his puppet hands against the glass. SHREK Pinocchio!

PINOCCHIO Help me! SHREK What's happened? PINOCCHIO Charming and the Villains have taken over everything! They attacked us but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's- - The time has run out. The cheesy music stops as the curtain goes down. SHREK She's what?! She's what!? Shrek looks at the marionette theatre and sees how much it costs per show. SHREK (turns to Puss in Donkey's BODY) Puss, loan me five bucks! DONKEY C'mon Puss, you heard the man, help a brother out. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Do you see any pockets on me? DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hold on a second. Donkey (in Puss' body) removes his boot, he turns it over and a bag of money falls onto the ground. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 83. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Aha! Donkey (in Puss' body) tosses the money to Shrek. PUSS (in Donkey's body) I had no idea ...really ...I swear. Shrek quickly dumps the change into the machine. The music starts and the curtain goes up again and Pinocchio dances. SHREK Quick, Pinocchio. Where is Fiona? PINOCCHIO Charming's got her locked away some place secret. You gotta find him! He's probably getting ready for the SHOWWWW--- The curtain goes down again. SHREK Wait, wait, wait! Pinocchio! What show? Pinocchio's hand comes out from under the curtain and points to a poster on the wall. Puss reads the poster out loud. PUSS (reading the poster) It's A Happily Ever After, After All! SHREK Shrek's final performance. The picture shows Charming, sword raised in the air, with his foot pinning Shrek, tongue sticking out of his mouth, to the ground. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Whoa, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play. SHREK Well I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 84. GUARD #1 (O.S.) It's the ogre! Get him! Shrek turns and sees a large group of Charming's royal knights, armed and ready. They drive them back into the alley. Puss (in Donkey's body) steps forward. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Don't worry, Jefe. I got this. He whips his head towards the oncoming guards. His eyes are large and

sweet. His lips pout. The guards are momentarily hypnotized by his cuteness, until they realize they're staring at a donkey. The guards recoil. GUARD #2 Ugh! Kill it! Puss (in Donkey's body) immediately retreats. Artie glances at the theater poster on the wall and steps forward, confronting the guards. ARTIE Look, don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you? Shrek picks up on his plan. SHREK Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. The guards are confused. Artie tears the poster off the wall. Shrek glances at Artie, who steps forward, yanking the poster off the wall. ARTIE He's a star people! Hello?! I'm so sorry about this Mr. Shrek. SHREK I'm gonna lose it! ARTIE I assume you have everything ready for tonight! You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey marches in. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 85. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh, and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with the jalapeno honey butter cause our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter. SHREK I just lost it! GUARD #1 Uh...Maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Shrek pushes the guards aside and continues on towards the castle. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise! The guards look at each other nervously. CUT TO: INT. COURTYARD STAGE - DAY A group of enchanted trees work on through their dance number. Two dwarfs on bungee chords helplessly swing back and forth in the rear of the stage. The camera lands on Prince Charming reading his lines next to a Shrek stand in. PRINCE CHARMING (reading his lines from a SCRIPT) With this sword, I do- No. He starts the line over. PRINCE CHARMING With this sword, I do smote thee! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 86. Without looking, Prince Charming stabs the stand in, who falls to the ground. PRINCE CHARMING (TO HIMSELF) ) Is that the right word? "Smote?" "Smooote." Is that even a word actually? Maybe I should just smite him. Unseen stage hands drag the stand-in away. PRINCE CHARMING Let's try this again. Now...

Stagehands shove another stand in onto the stage beside Prince Charming. PRINCE CHARMING (playing the scene out QUIETLY) Shrek attacks me, I pretend to be afraid. (he fake screams) Ooh!!! Prince Charming does a quick mime of being afraid and chuckles. PRINCE CHARMING I say... (he riffles through pages) "Finally the Kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve, die Ogre", blah, blah, blah... Without looking he stabs stand in #2. He falls to the ground. Prince Charming is still frustrated. PRINCE CHARMING Oh! It just doesn't feel real enough yet! He throws the sword to the ground and turns toward the dancing villains who are staring at him. PRINCE CHARMING Who told you to stop dancing?! CYCLOPS Uh... Wink and turn, wink and turn. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 87. He throws the script on the ground and notices the stand-in. PRINCE CHARMING And what are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly. Prince Charming storms off. CUT TO: INT. CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER Prince Charming storms into his colossal gold leafed dressing room, its walls covered with posters of inspirational sayings and portraits of Prince Charming in different acting roles. Slamming the door, he plops down in his throne chair in front of a dressing table and large 3-way mirror. A statuette of his mother is on the vanity. He looks at it intently. PRINCE CHARMING Our happily ever after is nearly complete, mummy. And I assure you, the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second we've had to wait. Charming adjusts the mirror, revealing a reflection of Shrek standing in the doorway. Artie, Puss and Donkey stand along side him. Prince Charming quickly stands up and faces Shrek. SHREK Break a leg. Or, on second thought, let me break it for you. He walks across the room as Prince Charming backs against his dressing table. Prince Charming fumbles behind his back and pushes a button under the counter. PRINCE CHARMING Thank goodness you're here. I was beginning to think you might not make it back in... time. Shrek picks him up by the front of his shirt and scowls. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 88. SHREK Where's Fiona? PRINCE CHARMING Don't worry. She and the others are safe. For now. Shrek strengthens his grip.

Suddenly, a group of guards burst into the room and quickly surround Shrek, Artie, Puss and Donkey. ARTIE Ow. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks around and realizes he's beat. He drops Charming with a thud. Prince Charming brushes himself off as the guards surround Shrek. Prince Charming walks over to Artie. A smile grows across his face. PRINCE CHARMING Let me guess... Arthur? Artie looks indignant. He raises himself up. ARTIE It's Artie, actually. PRINCE CHARMING This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? Laughing, Prince Charming draws his sword and holds it up to Artie's neck. PRINCE CHARMING How pathetic! Now, stand still so I won't make a mess. Shrek steps in. SHREK Charming, stop! I'm here now, you got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Artie is confused. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 89. ARTIE Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be King, right? Shrek hesitates and then gathers himself. SHREK You weren't really next in line for the throne, okay? I was. ARTIE But you said the King asked for me personally. SHREK Not exactly. ARTIE What's that supposed to mean? Shrek becomes defensive. SHREK Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright! I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill. So just go! Artie is stunned. ARTIE You were playing me the whole time. Shrek fights back tears as he punishes Artie more. SHREK You catch on real fast kid... Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. Puss (in Donkey's body) is about to interject when Donkey (in Puss' body) covers his mouth and signals him to stay quiet. ARTIE You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you - PRINCE CHARMING What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 90. Prince Charming signals the guards to release Artie. He stares at Shrek one last time and heads out. Shrek lowers his head in shame. PRINCE CHARMING You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Prince Charming smiles and the guards lead Shrek off.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHARMING'S DRESSING ROOM: Shrek is led by the guards down the hallway. EXT. CASTLE GATE: The scene cross-dissolves to Artie's back as he walks away from the castle. He gives one last look back, and angrily storms away. INT. DUNGEON: Shrek's ankles and wrists are shackled. Shrek pulls on his chains. He sadly looks out the cell window. INT. PRISON: The scene cross-disolves to another prison window. Fiona comes to the window of her prison cell. She stares sorrowfully at the castle in the distance. INT. FAR FAR AWAY PRISON CELL - DAY All of the Princesses, the Queen and Fiona are locked up in the same prison cell. Cinderella is frantically scrubbing a spot on the floor to a shine. Fiona looks out the cell window towards the castle in the distance. Behind her, Snow White paces around, complaining. SNOW WHITE Had we just stayed put like I suggested, we could be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups... Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 91. CINDERELLA Yeah... yeah, heart shaped cups. SNOW WHITE Eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. CINDERELLA Yeah... loganberries. SNOW WHITE Shut up Cindy. CINDERELLA Yeah, shut up. Cinderella looks down at her reflection in the floor. CINDERELLA (REFLECTION) No! You shut up! CINDERELLA Just stay out of this! SNOW WHITE Who cares who's running the kingdom anyway? FIONA I care. Fiona steps forward and challenges them. QUEEN And you should all care too. Suddenly, the cell door flies open. Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) are tossed in as the door is slammed behind them. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Hey, hey, hey, hey. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Yeah, and I have your badge number, "TIN CAN-" Puss, in Donkey's body, hisses and arches his back like a cat. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 92. FIONA (O.S.) Donkey?! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Princess?! FIONA Puss?! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Lo siento, Princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body.

DONKEY (in Puss' body) And I'm me! FIONA BUT YOU'RE- DONKEY (in Puss' body) I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now. But what happened is, we went to high school, the boat crashed, and we got "bippity-bopity-booped" by the "Magic Man." DORIS You poor sweet things. CINDERELLA I don't get it. SNOW WHITE The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? SLEEPING BEAUTY (WAKING UP) Huh? Who dat? FIONA Where's Shrek? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 93. DONKEY Charming's got him, Princess. And he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom. Fiona's lets out a breath. FIONA Alright everyone, we need to find a way out, now. The Princesses nod in agreement. SNOW WHITE You're right. (to the other Princesses) Ladies, assume the position! Sleeping Beauty falls asleep standing up. Snow White quickly assumes her position by lying down and puckering her lips. Cinderella dusts off a spot, sits down and crosses her legs. FIONA What are you doing? SLEEPING BEAUTY Waiting to be rescued. FIONA You have got to be kidding me. SNOW WHITE Well, what do you expect us to do? We're just four... (NOTICES DORIS) I mean, three, super hot princesses, two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady. The Queen smiles and then casually walks by the Princesses. QUEEN Hmmm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through. She walks right up to the brick wall, takes a deep breath and lets out a yell. QUEEN Hiiiyyyiiiaaaah! She head-butts a hole right through the brick wall. Fiona and the Princesses are impressed. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 94. PRINCESSES/PUSS/DONKEY Whoa. FIONA Mom!? QUEEN Well, you didn't actually think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Fiona beams at her mother and then turns to the Princesses. Snow White points to another wall behind them. SNOW WHITE Excuse me, I think there's still one more. The Queen turns and sees the another wall barring their way.

QUEEN Hmmmm. The Queen hurries to the other wall. QUEEN Hiiiiyah! It crumbles, revealing the outside. The princesses wince. Fiona approaches her mother. The Queen turns around, this time a little woozy, singing softly to herself. FIONA Why don't you just lie down? The Queen continues to sing to herself as she walks away. Fiona turns to the others. FIONA Okay girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves. Snow thinks for a moment and then glances at the other Princesses. They nod. Snow looks determined. She rips off a sleeve, revealing a Dopey tattoo. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 95. Sleeping Beauty tears the bottom of her dress. The Queen puts lipstick smudges under her eyes (a la a football player). Cinderella sharpens the heal of her glass slipper. Doris burns her bra. The Princesses place their hands over Fiona's. Puss and Donkey's hands come in last. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS Captain Hook replaces his "hook" appendage with a "baton" and taps it on the score in front of him. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All." The camera pulls back from a playbill that reads: "It's a Happily Ever After, After All - Starring Prince Charming as himself." Two intimidating Evil Knights are handing out the playbills and are using spears to usher people into their seats. EVIL KNIGHT #1 Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen! Oy! No food or beverages in the theatre! Hey! The orchestra begins to warm up. EXT. STAGE The camera follows Rumplestiltskin as he hurries from the stage to backstage. INT. BENEATH THE STAGE - NIGHT SHREK stands atop a wooden platform, like a beaten man. Cyclops is binding his arms and legs with heavy chains attached to the floor. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 96. He pulls the chains tight. SHREK Oww, easy. CYCLOPS Sorry. I guess I was just showing off for the little one. SHREK Huh? CYCLOPS It's "Bring your kids to work day." C'mere beautiful. Cyclops motions to the shadows. CYCLOPS' DAUGHTER walks out from the shadows. She looks like Cyclops with long hair and

skirt. Shrek recoils. SHREK Well... she's got your eye. Cyclops picks her up and embraces her. CYCLOPS Who woulda thought a monster like me deserves something as special as you? They touch foreheads affectionately. Shrek looks at the two of them and then gets a determined look on his face. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS The camera booms down into some trees just outside of the castle. Fiona and the Princesses appear behind a log. Two Evil Trees guard the castle gate. Fiona uses a duck call to signal Snow White. She skips down the path toward a side entrance, where two Evil Trees are standing guard. Snow White stops in front of them, singing our version of: "Animal Friends/With A Smile." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 97. SNOW WHITE (O.S.) (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haa." The birds answer her in song. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha haa." The birds answer again. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha haaaa. Little birdies take wing, flitting down from the trees they appear, and to chirp in my ear." All the forest creatures flock to her. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "All because I sing. Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." More forest creatures flock to Snow White. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ahh ha ha ha ha haaa." The Evil Trees stare in amazement. SNOW WHITE (SINGING) "Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa!" Suddenly Snow White's face changes. She transitions into Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." SNOW WHITE Ahhaha!! Ahhaha!!! All the animals turn and attack the trees. Fiona and the Princesses charge forward. FIONA Move it! Go! Go! Go! CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 98. EXT. FAR FAR AWAY ZOO - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) run through front gates of the Far Far Away Zoo. The Dronkeys are held captive in the zoo. Donkey (in Puss' body) busts open their cage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) My babies! The Dronkeys fly over to Puss (in Donkey's body) and hug him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Help! Ow! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Hey! CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE GARDENS - CONTINUOUS

The Princesses run toward the castle. Doris punches through the lock to open the gates. As they enter the castle grounds, a group of guards runs towards them. Cinderella takes out a couple of them with her boomerang crystal slipper. Sleeping Beauty falls to the ground, asleep. The guards trip over her body. Doris runs up to the foot of a canopy and takes a knee. The Princesses use Doris as a step to leap onto the canopy and over the castle wall. CUT TO: EXT. RODEO DRIVE - CONTINUOUS Donkey and Puss (in each other's bodies) break Pinocchio out of his marionette theatre. CUT TO: Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 99. EXT. BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER Gingerbread Man is locked inside a bakery display case. Donkey and Puss arrive (in each other's bodies). Donkey (in Puss' body) awkwardly tries to cut the glass open with his claws. Puss (in Donkey's body) intervenes, quickly bashing a hoof through the glass. They pull Gingerbread Man out of the case. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona leads the Princesses and Queen, as they stealthily creep along the rooftop. CUT TO: EXT. CASTLE ROOFTOP - CONTINUOUS Fiona peers around a corner and sees two guards blocking their path. She gets an idea. The Guards turn around to find a leg sticking out. They "ooh" and "aah" as they approach the leg. The camera pans up to reveal Doris. DORIS Hey. How's it going? She kicks the guards to the ground, and they take off running. CUT TO: EXT. FAR, FAR AWAY CASTLE- LATER Donkey, Puss, (still in each other's bodies) and the rescued Fairy Tale Creatures run toward the castle. Donkey and Puss peek out from behind a bush. PUSS (in Donkey's body) "O" to the "K." The coast has cleared. Donkey turns to address the Fairy Tale Creatures behind him. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 100. DONKEY (in Puss' body) All right people, let's do this thing! Go Team Dy-No-Mite!! PINOCCHIO I thought we agreed we would go by the name of "Team Super Cool." GINGERBREAD MAN As I recall it was "Team Awesome." WOLF I voted for "Team Alpha Wolf Squadron." DONKEY Alright! Alright! Alright! From henceforth we are to be known as "Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynomite Wolf Squadron." The Three Pigs notice something. PIG #1 Ach to Lieber! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Donkey, in Puss' body, turns

to look. Artie is staring at the strange crew. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie! Artie turns and walks away. Puss, in Donkey's body, runs to stop him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Wait, wait, wait, wait wait. Hey! Where is the fire, Senor? Artie pushes Puss (in Donkey's body) out of the way. ARTIE Oh please, don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on the whole time and you kept it to yourself. Artie starts to storm away. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 101. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Artie, it's not like it seems. ARTIE It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all there is to it. Artie starts to walk off. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Using you? Man, you really don't get it! PUSS (in Donkey's body) Shrek only said those things to protect you! This stops Artie in his tracks. DONKEY (in Puss' body) Charming was going to kill you Artie. Shrek saved your life. Artie realizes the truth and is suddenly concerned for his friend. CUT TO: EXT. COURTYARD STAGE The lights dim. The curtain rises. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin orders for the spotlight. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cue the spot! EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A spotlight comes up on Rapunzel, singing in a tower while the Fairy-tale Villains play their roles below. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 102. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I wait alone up here. I'm trapped another day. Locked up here - please set me free. My new life I almost see, A castle, you and me. Yes, a castle you and me..." Audience members look at each other in confusion; is this crap for real? Raul, the make-up artist, cries in the audience. From the audience a knight holds up a candle. Up in the rafters, Rumplestiltskin cues the Cherubs. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Cherubs! The Cherubs (Evil Dwarves) are lowered onto the stage by a rope and pulley system. A spotlight appears on stage. From underneath the stage a clamshell rises and opens to reveal Prince Charming on horseback. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Tis I! Tis I! Upon my regal steed! Princess, my love, at last you shall be

freed!" The Cherubs drop rose petals onto Prince Charming and the clamshell. Prince Charming and his steed, Chauncey, jump out of the clamshell. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I'm strong and brave, and dashing my way there! With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair!" Prince Charming begins to make his way over to the tower. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Through the blistering desert..." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 103. Prince Charming chops the head off of the flying griffin puppet. EVIL TREES (SINGING) "Hot!" Prince Charming dismounts, casually chops the head off of the sea serpent and crosses the sea. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Across the stormiest sea." EVIL DWARFS (SINGING) "Wet!" He makes his way to dry land. He weaves in and out of the Evil Trees, who are playing the part of a forest. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Facing creatures so vile!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Foul!" He casually cuts off the head of a wooden cut-out reindeer and shoves a villain in a bear costume out of the way. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "So you can gaze upon me!" Prince Charming has made his way up the stairs at the bottom of Rapunzel's tower. RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "I knew you'd come for me. And now we finally meet." PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "I knew you'd wait. And from my plate of love you'd eat." Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 104. There is a loud flash and a loud growling is piped through the sound system and flares go off as a trap door opens in the stage floor. Prince Charming hams it up for the audience, putting his hand to his ear. INT. BACKSTAGE - CONTINUOUS Rumplestiltskin cues Mabel. Mabel is growling through a megaphone backstage. MABEL Roar! Roar! Three Evil Witches turn a lever and an Evil Dwarf blows some steam with a billow. EXT. COURTYARD STAGE - CONTINUOUS A large, imposing shadow grows onstage. The silhouette fades, revealing a shackled Shrek on stage. He pulls at his chains as he notes the audience and views the spectacle before him. INT. AUDIENCE - CONTINUOUS A crowd of fans, with "SHREK" written on their stomachs, cheer. One of the fans is hit with an arrow. They promptly

sit down. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Who is this terrible ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?" Pirates and Evil Knights dance in from the wings. FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "Will Charming fight? Or will he flee?" RAPUNZEL (SINGING) "Oh please, rescue me!" FAIRY-TALE VILLAINS (SINGING) "From this monstrosity!" Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 105. Prince Charming takes a dramatic pause and sings in an ultra- high voice of a castrato. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Fear thee not Honey Lamb! I will slice this thing up like a HAM!" SHREK Oh boy. Prince Charming relishes the moment, pulling out his sword and aiming it at Shrek's chest. Prince Charming's voice climbs even higher. PRINCE CHARMING You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are NOT- (SINGING) "FamiliaAAAAAAR!" He holds the last, highest note. Shrek winces. Goblets, eye glasses, a glass tiara and glass pearls all break in the audience. Prince Charming smiles. Shrek looks at him with contempt. SHREK Well it can't be anymore painful than the lousy performance you're giving. The audience laughs at Shrek's remark. Prince Charming is thrown by their reaction. From a trap door underneath the stage Rumplestiltskin tries to help Prince Charming out by feeding him his next line. RUMPLESTILTSKIN "Prepare foul beast." He clears his throat and tries to get back into character. PRINCE CHARMING (SINGING) "Prepare foul beast, your time is done." SHREK Oooh, if you don't mind could you kill me, and then sing? Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 106. The audience laughs. Prince Charming gets in Shrek's face. PRINCE CHARMING Be quiet! SHREK Oh, come on, I'm just havin' fun with ya. That's actually a very nice leotard. PRINCE CHARMING Thank you. SHREK Do they come in men's sizes? The audience laughs again. HOOK He, he. Now that be funny. The crowd laughs again. Shrek smiles, enjoying how he's screwing up the show. Prince Charming is furious. PRINCE CHARMING ENOUGH! The crowd falls silent. Prince Charming turns back to Shrek.

PRINCE CHARMING Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you've worked for, everything that's precious to you taken away. Prince Charming raises his sword. PRINCE CHARMING (CONT'D) Now you'll know how I felt. Suddenly a fireball hits the blade, melting it. PRINCE CHARMING Ahhhhh! Another huge fireball spreads across the sky as Dragon flies above the theater. The Dronkeys follow behind her. DRAGON Roar! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 107. The Three Pigs come running down the aisle. PIG #1 Sausage Roll!! The Three Pigs leap onto the stage, going into a drop and roll move to land in between Shrek and Prince Charming. They strike a fighting pose. Pinocchio comes flying in on his strings, landing with a flurry of kung-fu hands. The Wolf unzips the wolf costume, steps out and joins the others. WOLF Arg. Gingerbread Man pops up in the tower window, grabs Rapunzel's hair and swings down. Before he hits the ground, the end catches and he bounces like a bungee jumper. Her hair falls into a pile next to a very surprised Gingerbread Man. Rapunzel screams. Her mousy brown hair crammed under a hair net. She runs off crying. Prince Charming looks around, almost surrounded. Suddenly a shadow falls over the crowd and they gasp. Dragon and the Dronkeys fly in and land on the stage. Puss and Donkey leap off her back to the stage. DONKEY (in Puss's body) Pray for mercy from... PUSS (in Donkey's body) ...Puss! He claps his hooves on the stage. DONKEY (in Puss' body) And Donkey! He carves a letter "D" on Pinocchio's bottom. PINOCCHIO (re: his bottom) Hey. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 108. The Queen head-butts through one of the backdrops, with Sleeping Beauty and Doris. Snow White flies in behind them with the help of her woodland creatures ("Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" style). Cinderella runs on stage equipped with a mop as her weapon. Together, the Princesses strike fierce poses and stand next to Shrek. The audience applauds. Suddenly the front door of the "swamp house" set crashes to the floor, revealing Fiona. FIONA Hi honey! Sorry we're late. You okay? SHREK Much better, now that you're here. AUDIENCE Awwwwwww! The audience applauds. Shrek turns to Prince Charming raising his

shackled wrists. SHREK So Charming, you wanna let me out of these so we can settle this ogre to man? Prince Charming considers this for a second. PRINCE CHARMING Oooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea! Prince Charming strikes an imperious pose and claps his hands. Cyclops suddenly emerges from the trap door, knocking Puss and Donkey down. He approaches them menacingly. The witches fly in and threaten the princesses with their brooms. The Evil Queen rises up behind the Queen and puts a knife to her throat. The Evil Dwarves grab The Three Pigs. Gingerbread Man is suddenly surrounded by many Evil Knights. He poops out a gum- ball. Dragon starts to move forward only to find herself surrounded by crossbows. A bunch of pirates grab Fiona and tie her up. SHREK Fiona! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 109. FIONA No! Let go of me! Shrek struggles to free himself of the chains, but it's no use. Prince Charming's eyes narrow. PRINCE CHARMING You will not ruin things this time ogre. (TO VILLAINS) Kill it! Prince Charming signals to the villains to attack Shrek. As the villains advance towards Shrek, a spotlight shines in their eyes, stopping them in their tracks. ARTIE Everybody stop! PRINCE CHARMING (EXASPERATED) Oh, what is it now? SHREK Artie? Artie jumps from the spotlight. Artie lands clumsily on a hanging cloud. Artie leaps awkwardly from cloud to cloud. The audience stares in awe. After one last leap, he swings down on the Cherub's cable, sending the little person up in the air. Artie lands on the stage in between the Villains and Shrek. He stands facing the Villains. ARTIE Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? The Evil Knights think about it and raise their hands. The other Villains follow suit. ARTIE You're telling me you just want to be Villains your whole lives? This gives the Villains pause. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 110. CAPTAIN HOOK But we are Villains. It's the only thing we know. ARTIE Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? The Villains aren't convinced. EVIL TREE #2 Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. PRINCE CHARMING You morons! Don't listen to him!

ATTACK THEM- Another Evil Tree covers Prince Charming's mouth and then motions to Artie. EVIL TREE #1 What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. EVIL TREE #2 Right, thanks Ed. ARTIE Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But, ya know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... Artie shares a look with Shrek. ARTIE ... or just some loser... The Fairy-tale Villains listen intently. ARTIE (CONT'D) ...it doesn't mean you are one. The Evil Tree tightens his grip as Prince Charming struggles to break free. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 111. ARTIE (CONT'D) The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. Artie commands the stage. ARTIE (CONT'D) If there's something you really want, or there's someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way ...is you. Artie points at Rumplestiltskin directly in front of him. Rumplestiltskin is alarmed. RUMPLESTILTSKIN Me? OTHER PIRATES Get `im lads! ARTIE No, no, no! What I mean is: each of you is standing in your own way! VILLAINS Oooooooh! The Headless Horseman breaks through the crowd. HEADLESS HORSEMAN I've always wanted to play the flute. The Fairy-tale Villains and Creatures look at each other. The Evil Queen steps up. EVIL QUEEN I`d like to open up a spa in France. The Villains nod in agreement. CAPTAIN HOOK I grow daffodils! Complete silence as everyone stares at Hook. CAPTAIN HOOK And they're beautiful! Captain Hook looks thoughtfully at his sword, then throws it down. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 112. The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight holding Pinocchio is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingerbread Man high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground.

Suddenly, Prince Charming kicks himself free of the Evil Tree and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Aaaahhhh! Despite his fear, Artie faces Prince Charming bravely. As Prince Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Prince Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Prince Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Furious, he charges Shrek and stabs him with the sword. Charming lets go and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning. Prince Charming beams, and laughs. He turns to the audience. PRINCE CHARMING A new era finally begins! The audience cowers. Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie. PRINCE CHARMING Now, all of you, bow before your king! Shrek casually rises up behind him and clears his throat. SHREK Ah-hem. Charming turns around. Shrek lifts his arm revealing that he was never really stabbed. SHREK (CONT'D) You need to work on your aim. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 113. Charming is stunned. PRINCE CHARMING This was supposed to be my happily ever after. Prince Charming is paralyzed. Shrek drops the sword and grabs him by the shirt-front, lifting him off of his feet. He winces, but is still defiant. SHREK Well I guess you need to keep looking... Shrek looks at Fiona and at his friends and smiles. SHREK ...cause I'm not giving up mine. Shrek sets Prince Charming down and signals DRAGON. She casually tips the tower over with her tail. A shadow falls over Prince Charming. He turns and sees the tower falling toward him, his body perfectly framed up in the princesses's window. PRINCE CHARMING Mommy? It crashes down and he's trapped inside. As the dust clears, the crown rolls across the stage. Artie stops it with his foot and slowly picks it up. SHREK It's yours if you want it, you know, but this time it's your choice. Artie considers it. He looks at Shrek, who is smiling proudly at him. Artie turns to the audience and holds out the crown to them. They cheer him. Artie places the crown on his head. The crowd goes nuts. In the audience, Raul sobs with joy. ALL Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Ar-tie! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 114. Everybody cheers as the Fairy-tale Creatures and Villains put Artie up

on their shoulders and carry him off. Donkey and Puss, still in each other's bodies, watch as Artie gets carried away. In a puff of smoke, Merlin suddenly appears. He looks around confused, clutching his show ticket. MERLIN Uh, excuse me, that's my seat. Suddenly he is thrown back against the front of the stage as Donkey and Puss confront him. PUSS (in Donkey's body) Okay, senor hocus-y pocus-y. The time has come to rectify some wrongs! DONKEY (in Puss' body) Although I have been enjoying these "cat baths." PUSS (in Donkey's body) Please say you didn't. MERLIN Uh... alright, alright...look.. Merlin rubs his hands together. MERLIN You're gonna feel a little pinch, and possibly some lower intestinal discomfort, but this should do the trick. Merlin rolls up his sleeves, and prepares to make with the magic. He lets loose with a bright burst of magic. It takes a moment for Donkey and Puss to recover. They eye each other cautiously. PUSS Are you..? Donkey lifts his hoof and inspects it carefully. DONKEY I'm me again! Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 115. Puss checks out his own paws. PUSS And I am not you! Donkey and Puss give each other a big hug. DONKEY Alright! The two of them turn and walk away together. Merlin is behind them, smoking fingers and all. Suddenly his eyes grow wide. MERLIN Oops. Ah, never mind. We see that Donkey still has Puss' tail and Puss had Donkey's. Merlin slips away. Shrek and Fiona watch Artie in the distance. SHREK What'd I tell ya? I think the kid's going to be a great King. FIONA Well, for what it's worth, you would have too. Shrek smiles, and touches Fiona's belly. SHREK I have something much more important in mind. They kiss. The camera pulls back to see everyone celebrating around Shrek and Fiona as they kiss. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - MORNING A wide-shot of a sunny morning in the swamp. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 116. INT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS Shrek grabs a "gourd" bottle and creates an ogre shake out of slug juice, eye balls and worms. He walk over to join Fiona by the fire. SHREK

Ah, finally. Shrek gives Fiona the "gourd" bottle and she places a nipple on it. Two ogre babies crawl up onto Fiona's lap. OGRE BABIES Da da. A third ogre baby appears at Shrek's feet. He bends down to pick him up. One big happy family of five. Shrek laughs and gives the babies and Fiona a hug. The front door opens up to reveal Puss and Donkey. DONKEY Hey! I smell Shrek Jr. The Dronkeys come swarming in behind Donkey. Dragon peers in through the door. Shrek with a safety pin in his mouth is doing his best at changing diapers. He twists the diaper around and the baby goes flying off screen and lands in a diaper that Fiona is holding. She smiles at Shrek. The swamp house is overrun with Dronkeys, ogre babies and dirty diapers. Puss sits next to an ogre baby that has a pacifier in his mouth. He takes the pacifier out of his mouth, shoves it in Puss' mouth and gives Puss a big hug. Another baby comes crawling into frame and starts to tug on Puss' tail. A tug of war ensues. The ogre babies are bathing in a pot of water (a la a beat from the Nightmare scene). One of the babies farts in the water as Shrek comes in and scoops them up. Shrek laughs. Donkey is playing "peek-a-boo" with his ears. A baby ogre laughs. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 117. DONKEY Peek-a-boo. Peek-a-boo. A baby ogre pulls ear wax from Shrek's ear. The baby uses the wax to draw squiggly lines on a piece of paper. QUEEN Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy boy. The Queen is bouncing a baby ogre on her lap. The baby pukes and the Queen smiles. There is a knock at the door. Donkey is laying on the floor holding a bottle with all four hooves, drinking the milk. Shrek grabs the bottle out of Donkey's mouth. DONKEY Hey. Shrek opens the front door to reveal the Dwarf. NANNY DWARF Where's the baby? Shrek puts a bottle into the Dwarf's mouth and slams the door. CUT TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - DAY Fiona slides one of the babies down a "slip `n slide" made out of mud shot from geysers. Shrek slides down himself. The babies scramble out of the way as Shrek slides by, spraying mud everywhere. CUT TO: INT. SWAMP HOUSE - EVENING Shrek and Fiona are diapering two of the babies in perfect unison. They continue diapering, Fiona holds up the third baby and Shrek holds up an unhappy, diapered Puss. Shrek grabs a gourd bottle off of a shelf. He tosses it to Fiona. Shrek the Third - Final Screening Script 118. Fiona stands holding one baby over her

shoulder. She catches the gourd thrown to her, twirls it around (a la Tom Cruise in Cocktail), lifts up her leg where another baby is perched on her foot and puts the gourd in the baby's mouth. Shrek is burping a baby over his shoulder. The baby burps. Fiona has a baby over her shoulder and the baby burps. A Dronkey sitting on a chair does a flame-belch and an ogre baby crawling by farts which causes a flame thrower effect into the fireplace. Shrek and Fiona tuck all the babies into bed. SHREK Well, what shall we do now? CUT TO: INT. SHREK AND FIONA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Shrek and Fiona are sound asleep, snoring. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SWAMP HOUSE - CONTINUOUS A baby starts to cry. SHREK (SIGHS) I got it. The camera trucks out. THE END

you are a nightmare

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #77: Nikola Tesla

Today on Fate and Phantasms, we’re bringing you the unparalleled scientific genius of Nikola Tesla! This probably isn’t too shocking, but you’ll be throwing around a lot of thunder and lightning in this build.

Check out the build breakdown below the cut, or his character sheet over here!

Race and Background

Tesla’s a Variant Human, for +1 Intelligence and +1 Wisdom, as well as Perception proficiency and the Elemental Adept feat. This means that all spells you cast dealing Thunder Damage ignore resistance, and each damage die is at least a 2. We’ll grab this feat again for lightning later, but explosions tend to start at lower levels. 

Tesla’s the definition of a Cloistered Scholar, grabbing a History proficiency thanks to, y’know, being a part of it, and Arcana to take the place of real science.

Stats

You’re one of history’s greatest inventors, so your Intelligence is probably pretty high. Your Charisma is also pretty good, but we’re not investing in charisma skills; you have a forceful personality, but that tends to get you into trouble more than get you out of it. Your Wisdom is strong too; you have to be able to see what you’re doing to invent things. After that is Constitution; your physical stats aren’t good, but this is the least dumpable. After that is Dexterity, then Strength. Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to wear that cool faraday cage armor.

Class Levels

1. Artificer 1: How unexpected, one of the most famous inventors in the world, an artificer? Really breaking new ground here. Anyway, first level artificers are proficient in Constitution and Intelligence saves, as well as two skills. Grab Investigation and Nature to help you investigate nature and bring lightning to humanity. You also get proficiency in several tool types, which will be your spellcasting focus.

First level artificers also have Magical Tinkering, letting you add minor magical effects to tiny objects. There’s a bunch of them, so I’d suggest checking them out yourself. You can also cast Spells, using your Intelligence to prepare and cast them.

Mending will help you repair a broken tool quickly. Shocking Grasp will give you a little spark to start things off early on. Since you can prepare your spells, technically the entire list is available, but I’d suggest having Absorb Elements on hand for some galvanization and Arcane Weapon to energize your own weapons. Later though, you’re not good with any right now. That being said, you’re an inventor, so go with what works for the campaign.

2. Artificer 2: Second level artificers can Infuse Items with magical effects. You know four of them, but can only have two available at a time; so you really only know two. Infused items last until a couple days after you die, or until you swap out that infusion for another one.

I’d recommend Enhanced Defense to help your probably bad AC, and Replicate Magic Item to make yourself a Bag of Holding. 

3. Artificer 3: When you hit level three you get to pick a specialty, and the Armorer is great for when you want to encase half of yourself in metal without investing in physical stats. Armorers get Heavy Armor proficiency as well as the specialty spells Magic Missile and Shield. You can also make Power Armor out of heavy armor as an action, removing strength requirements, acting as a spell focus, and preventing it from being removed against your will until the next time you take it off. Your power armor is the Infiltrator Model, reducing its weight, ignoring disadvantage to stealth checks caused by armor, and can be worn under clothes. It also increases your movement speed by 5′, and comes with a Lightning Launcher, a ranged weapon that uses your intelligence, has a range of 90/300 feet, and deals Lightning Damage on a hit. Also, once per turn its strength is doubled, dealing 2d6 instead of 1d6.

4. Artificer 4: Hey, remember when I said we’d get a second Elemental Adept feat? Yeah, we’re doing that now with your first Ability Score Improvement. This does everything the first does, but for Lightning spells instead of thunder. Note that this is specifically spells. This doesn’t do anything for your launcher, unless you also have Arcane Weapon on it.

5. Artificer 5: Fifth level artificers get an Extra Attack in each of their attack actions, as well as 2nd level spells. Your specialty spells are Mirror Image to make yourself even harder to hit, and Shatter for even louder thunder. For other spells, Darkvision and See Invisibility can act as night vision/truesight goggles, if you didn’t pick that up as another infusion. For some very awkward flight, you could use Levitate now too. You won’t be able to move around in the air but all your weapons are ranged, so being 20′ above combat is still a pretty smart move.

So these inventions are all fine and good, but you’re not really bringing the power of the gods yet, are you? Let’s fix that.

6. Cleric 1: You want to be a storm god? Let’s be a storm god. Tempest clerics get proficiencies we don’t need to worry about, plus Spells that use wisdom for casting and preparation. You also get the Wrath of the Storm when you take the class. If you’re hit by a melee attack, you can use your reaction to force the attacker to make a dexterity saving throw based on your cleric spell save. On a failure they take 2d8 lightning or thunder damage, and half as much on a success. You can use this a number of times per long rest equal to your wisdom modifier.

Like artificers, clerics prepare their spells, meaning you’ll technically have access to their entire spell list. You’ll also get Fog Cloud and Thunderwave for free, for even more stormy goodness. For your cantrips, grab Light for larger glowing objects than your Tinkering would allow, Thaumaturgy for dramatic effect, and Guidance to impart your genius onto the rest of the party. For spells outside your freebies, Guiding Bolt combines your love of bolts with your love of showing how smart you are, and Detect Magic gives you yet another tool for uncovering the unknown.

7. Cleric 2: Second level clerics learn to Channel their Divinity in two ways. Turn Undead repels the undead that fail a wisdom save, and Destructive Wrath maximizes lightning or thunder damage from any source, including your Lightning Launcher. Instead of rolling, you automatically deal as much damage as possible. You can currently use this once per short rest.

8. Cleric 3: At third level, you get more second level spells. Gust of Wind and Shatter (Again) will help your storm pick up speed, even though your artificer spells are slightly stronger at the moment. For out of subclass spells, Enhance Ability will help you apply yourself to whatever problems are ahead, and Continual Flame is yet another way to light the path forward.

9. Artificer 6: Bouncing back to artificer for a bit, you get Tool Expertise at level 6, doubling your proficiency bonus in any check using tools. You also get two more infusions for a total of six, and can have a third active at once. I’d recommend the Boots of the Winding Path for extra mobility, but like I said back at level 1, you’re the inventor here; pick the tools that’ll work best for you.

10. Artificer 7: At seventh level, you get a Flash of Genius, letting you add your intelligence modifier to a check or saving throw happening within 30′ of you. You can use this a number of times per long rest equal to your intelligence modifier.

11. Artificer 8: Speaking of your intelligence modifier, let’s make that a bit better, shall we? Use this ASI to improve your Intelligence for more spells, more genius, and a stronger weapon.

12. Artificer 9: Ninth level armorers learn how to make Armor Modifications, allowing their armor to act as four items for infusions; Your armor, boots, bracers, and weapon are all their own parts. You can also infuse two extra items, as long as they’re part of your armor. If you were sitting on Radiant Weapon and Resistant Armor, now’s the time to use them. 

You also learn third level spells, including specialty spells Hypnotic Pattern and Lightning Bolt. You also gain access to Fly for a proper flying speed, and Protection from Energy for long-term galvanization.

13. Artificer 10: As a Magic Item Adept, you can attune to four items at once, and you can craft low rarity magic items for faster and cheaper than others. You also get a new cantrip; Thunderclap will add some cantrip thunder to that cantrip lightning, finally. As one last gift, you get two more infusions, and one more that can be used at the same time. I’ll leave the specifics to you- you know what the party needs more than I do at this point.

14. Artificer 11: Our last artificer level nets you the ability to make Spell-Storing Items. This misleadingly named feature lets you store a 1st or 2nd level spell from the artificer list in a weapon or spellcasting focus at the end of a long rest. A creature wielding the item can then cast the spell using your intelligence. If the spell requires concentration, they have to be the one to concentrate. They can use the stored spell a number of times equal to twice your intelligence modifier (8 times), or until you store another spell in an object.

15. Cleric 4: Bouncing back over to cleric gives another ASI, which we’ll be using to enhance your Wisdom. You also get another cantrip; Resistance will help you micromanage your party’s saving throws as well, slightly enhancing them.

16. Cleric 5: Fifth level clerics can Destroy Undead of challenge rating 1/2 or lower, as well as cast third level spells. Your specialty spells, Call Lightning and Sleet Storm, will help you bring a storm down on the heads of your enemies, rather than just man-made lightning. As for out of specialty spells... honestly, most cleric spells don’t really fit your character, but you’re still an inventor, so as long as you have some technobabble to explain it, it’ll probably be fine.

17. Cleric 6: Sixth level tempest clerics can Channel Divinity twice per rest, and also have a Thunderous Strike. Whenever you deal lightning damage to a creature, you also can push it up to 10′ away without any save. Combine this with two attacks per turn from your Lightning Launcher, and you can make sure enemies keep their distance.

18. Cleric 7: Seventh level clerics get fourth level spells; Control Water and Ice Storm aren’t very electrical, but they are free, and useful if you want to add variety to your storm surge.

19. Cleric 8: Your Destroy Undead increases to CR 1, your get one last ASI to improve your Wisdom, and you also gain a Divine Strike. Once per turn, you can add a bit of Thunder damage to a weapon attack. This doesn’t have to be a melee weapon, so now your Lightning Launcher can deal lightning and thunder damage at the same time-convenient!

20. Cleric 9: Your final level lets you cast fifth level cleric spells. Destructive Wave lets you mix your thunderclap with some godly might for some thunder and radiant damage at the same time, and Insect Plague just has absolutely no reason to be here.

Pros:

You have a lot of ways to deal Thunder and Lightning damage, and you’re very frightening with either one. With the ability to push around enemies with every attack from your Lightning Launcher, you have significant control over the battlefield.

You have some sick armor for a spellcaster, which makes up for your middling HP. Some plate armor with Enhanced Defense on it gives you 20 AC, and that’s without a Shield spell up. You’ll also have plenty of infusions available to customize your armor to whatever the party needs that day.

Mixing all those thunder and lightning spells with Destructive Wrath means you’re great at dealing Burst Damage to several enemies at once. Upcharge a lightning bolt, and you can deal a guaranteed 72 damage to everything in a 100′ line. Just make sure you don’t catch any allies in that blast.

Cons:

Splitting your casting class makes it harder to excel at either intelligence or wisdom. It also prevents you from getting higher level spells.

The tempest cleric’s features are nice, but outside of the domain spells, you don’t really get any cleric spells that feel in character without a lot of justification.

You have plenty of spells that require Concentration, and a constitution score of 12. Not only will you have to pick and choose which buffs you use and when, but you’ll also probably burn through spell slots faster than you’d like.

Next up: Significantly less thunder and lightning, but significantly more frightening.

[mooooooosicals]

I know y'all sick of me talking about this show but

If there were to be an Off-Broadway version of TGWDLM

So like I have VERY specific visions for a couple of the songs because I'm just Like That so I'mma describe a couple of them to the best of my ability. This will mainly be describing the set.

*disclaimer: I am an onstage theatre kid, not an offstage theatre kid. So offstage theatre kids have every right to roll their eyes at me and say I don't know what I'm talking about, because honestly I don't*

Okay so first of all because of a supposedly larger budget, bye bye squares and rectangles in the background. In this hypothetical production, we would have actual backdrops that would switch out, and to avoid using too many, use wagons (not the method of transportation wagon, a different kind of wagon, look it up as a theatre term if you don't know what I'm talking about) as well for specific rooms such as Mr. Davidson's office. You could have a city backdrop for pretty much the entire first half of act 1 but have different sets come out like the coffee shop and the office. As we progress to the police scene, a backdrop can come down further downstage because it's a smaller scene, and since it's an alleyway you can have something as simple as a brick wall with graffiti on it . With the bunker, the backdrop will be the same, but different wagons and set pieces will change out because we visit various different rooms in the bunker. For show stopping number, you could have some sort of cool staircase set with the piano being on a platform at the top, just because Hidgens is dramatic. I could go on and on but I want to discuss a couple of specific numbers.

The Opening Number

Okay so I imagine a classic red curtain would greet the audience as they come in to find their seats and wait for the show to begin. The reason for this is because most who haven't seen the show will think this is a show that makes fun of shows, like Something Rotten, The Prom, and Spamalot. True, it is, but it is also a horror comedy with a touch of sci-fi. I think a big part of this show is the shock factor it brings, and the red curtain is a perfect way of tricking people into thinking it's going to be one thing when it's really another.

Next, what's behind the curtain? Well, the first scene does take place in an office, doesn't it? The office set would be behind the curtain, but there would be a dark backdrop covering up the city backdrop so that the opening number can be creepier.

The theme starts playing, maybe because it's a bigger production the show can be a little bit longer so maybe the theme can turn into an entire overture, and then you hear thunder and you see flashes from the lights to represent lightning, and then...

The red curtain rips apart and drops onstage, quickly dragged offstage (kind of like Six The Musical).

There's smoke on the stage because honestly smoke really enhances any scene let's be honest here. You see he infected slowly come out, you could have them crawl out of places where people normally shouldn't be, such as file cabinets. Some could even come through the audience, depending on the type of theater it is. And yeah, the opening number carries on, and during the key change the dark backdrop goes up (it's still dark though), Paul is sitting at his desk in a chair (with his back faced towards the audience because the song is still happening), and as soon as the song is over, the lighting immediately becomes brighter and "normal" and Paul's desk and chair immediately do a 180 so that he's facing the audience.

Not Your Seed

Basically for this number we might wanna consider using smoke again. Just saying. Also the backdrop is further downstage because it's a smaller scene.

The backdrop for this scene could be a brick wall with posters and billboards on it, revealing different Easter eggs because those are fun. There's lockers in front of the wall and a single door in the middle. Alice would come through the door, slowly opening it allowing for a creepy cracking sound. There's blue and red blood everywhere, covering the lockers, the door, the wall, just everything. This is to signal that the infected have already infiltrated the school.

Let It Out

Okay this number is probably the one I've thought about the most (it's my favorite song shdhsjdj leave me alone). So prepare yourselves because there's gonna be A LOTTTTT.

Basically (damn I say that a lot, sorry) the goal here is to be as creepy and unsettling as possible. So are we using a smoke machine in this one? In the words of Hidgens, "you bETTER believe it!"

The stage appears to be completely bare, almost as if there were no production currently playing at this venue (the backdrop is the farthest upstage it can be). However, you notice that you can see the night sky, as a good chunk of the supposed brick wall is missing. This is because... Well.... The theater got hit by a meteor, it wouldn't be exactly in the best shape. There's debris all over the ground, ripped up script pages, broken props, parts of a fallen set. There's blue blood scattered across the stage, and even on the floor and the curtains somehow. Everything is dark except for a single ghost light and the eerie and faint glow of the meteor upstage.

Basically the very theater you're sitting in as an audience member has literally become the Starlight Theater.

Paul enters the theater, perhaps in the back (depending on the size of the theatre). No matter where he enters, it's somewhere you wouldn't expect him to be. He makes his commentary, goes onstage, and then suddenly out of nowhere the ghost light turns off abruptly (if you really wanted to scare the audience, you could have the light bulb pop, a small nod to the well known chandelier drop in Phantom). The lights are almost completely dark, and then suddenly you hear "We've been waiting for you, Paul" and Bill appears with a spotlight shining on him seemingly out of nowhere.

More infected begin to enter, some could even enter in from the audience to either up the humor or the fright. Then the song goes on, yada yada yada, and then the dreaded "neveeeeeeerr!" occurs. Perhaps a cool lighting trick or something could help enhance the switching between Paul and his infected persona that follows after that pivotal moment.

As the song ends, Paul pulls the pin and throws the grenade. You could have some pyrotechnical effect happen to represent the explosion, or maybe some cool lighting and sound effect that happens. And yeah there you go.

If you've read to the end of this, congratulations you have more patience than me. If you don't mind sharing your thoughts on what a bigger stage production of tgwdlm would look like, I would love to hear them!

[tellyouwhatilike]

WILDFLOWER PART 1 - CALUM HOOD

So this is what I’ve been working on! I’m finishing part 2 as I post this. I really hope y’all like this, it’s been super fun to write and I haven’t posted any new writing in a loooooooong time- so please let me know what you think! <3 

Part one does not contain any smut, part 2 will 100% be smut lol. 

WARNING: This contains mature language and subject matters, 18+ please!!

__________________________________________

                               PART ONE

 “Cal!” An excited voice called from across the large patio.

Calum’s head whipped around while his eyes searched the scantily-clad crowd at one of this month’s industry networking events the label requested he attend. He had to admit, this was one of the more amusing ones, a themed pool party with a barbeque style spread. With that signature phony, ostentatious LA touch to it, of course. This is the kind of thing Calum typically steered clear of in the past; less so since officially uprooting his life to Los Angeles and being conditioned by his band’s record label to make appearances at gatherings like this on a regular basis. His eyes finally landed on his target and his lips curled up instantly—the melodic voice that had called out his name over the masses of valleyspeak blending together in the background, and subsequently, the only true reason he’d agreed to represent the band tonight at this function.

“My, my, my; look what we have here” he said with cheeky implication as he took a moment to slowly look her up and down with a shit-eating grin spread across his face, leaving his eyes squinted and cheeks rounded. She looked even better than he remembered, her long tousled hair neatly spilling over her shoulder just how he’d always liked it. It had been months since he’d seen her in the flesh and the sight of her was enough to make him feel giddy to his core.

“I’m so glad you could make it” she replied with a breathy laugh, cheeks slightly flushed as her arms wrapped around his neck for a quick squeeze ‘hello.’ In that moment, she was very pleased with her decision to wear her sleek black one-piece suit under her cutoff shorts with a red lip—a combination that always delivered. His palm lingered across the span of her waist around her back, squeezing gently, letting it run down to her hip before letting go. When they parted from their embrace and their eyes met, Calum’s cheeky confidence quickly turned shy and boyish, as it typically does.

“Yeah, me too. This is—this is quite the soiree.” He motioned to the mingling bodies around them. “Um, so how have you been, how was Morocco?” He looked down awkwardly at his shoes for a brief moment, cursing himself and nature for not being smoother. Trying not to come off too eager although he’d been thinking about this interaction daily for nearly a year now, whether they had been speaking or not.

They had been engaging in a modest flirtation for months and months now, they had tried going on a handful of dates right around the time the band came back to LA from touring to focus on writing the following album, ‘Calm.’ The term ‘dates,’ however, should be used loosely; Calum’s record label doesn’t approve of the guys getting snapped by paps casually dating around. Rules have certainly been broken in the past— but he figured, since they’d only just met, it wasn’t worth the headaches that these things cause on the harsh world that is the internet. People always talk and it tends to confuse the masses. So, they opted for more intimate yet appropriate venues for their rendezvous like dinner at Calum’s outdoor living space, tight knit shin-digs at his bandmate Michael’s house, or lengthy facetime calls from their respective home couches.

Calum was absolutely smitten- a feeling so new to him, he couldn’t even remember if he’d ever felt it with anyone else before. He was also terrified things would fall apart just like they always had in the past, she ran free and untamed, never staying in one place long enough to make lasting connections, making Calum wary of her potentially leaving and breaking his heart. He could always see it in her face, there was a wild side to her that she couldn’t explain. Things quickly began to prove too consuming for him as he tried to juggle really getting to know her, despite his reservations, and focusing on pouring his heart into the upcoming record. He’s the type to completely immerse himself in whatever it is that’s important to him, so he felt it wasn’t fair to them or his art if they continued building on the relationship. The pair chalked it up to poor timing and decided to give each other space while he worked with his band tirelessly on their music for a number of months. Forever the wandering bohemian, she jetted off to spend some time living with friends in Amsterdam and then frolicking about in Morocco for the summer.

Once the record was released, promotion was finished and the tour was completed; he and his band mates arrived back to LA for some much-needed R & R before eventually returning to the writing process to start it all over again. She returned back to her home base, for the time being, sun-kissed and thrilled to be back in the states for one major reason. Calum had spent nearly the whole first month home catching up on sleep, ordering sushi on grubhub and lounging around in boxers doing next to nothing; standard procedure. But now he was fully rested, extremely rejuvenated, and he was eager to get up to no good.

“I’ve been good, yeah, Morocco was gorgeous and…mind-altering…” She trailed off, losing her train of thought while taking in his face, she shook her head slightly. “Wow, it is so nice to see you again.” She reveled, her green eyes catching light of the twinkling strings adorning the canopy above where they stood. “It’s been a while, huh?” Her cheeks swelled up as she flashed him a smile and attempted to calculate quite how long it had been in her head, remembering some of the last times they hung out vividly. Thoughts shifting to his scent, how he looked different but it was somehow even better than before, the way he had to look down to meet her gaze, the hand he had pressed against her waist when he greeted her earlier, how she felt at ease and wired at the same time to be in his presence.

“Way too long” He said through a toothy smile, already having to remind himself of how they vowed to take things slowly over the text messages leading up to tonight, and simultaneously imagining leaving cherry red marks down the length of her neck. He couldn’t stop sneaking glimpses of her exposed skin and imagining her dark hair splayed across his crisp white sheets or holding her tightly while she wore one of his old t shirts, he desperately hoped that’s where this night was headed. His tongue slipped out and ran its way over his bottom lip when the thin black strap of her bathing suit slipped down her shoulder, his hand moving before the rational side of his brain had any time to talk him out of it. He gently brushed her hair back to expose her bare shoulder and slid the strap back up into place for her, their eyes meeting as his hand lingered there for a moment too long. His jaw tensed as he pulled his hand away, looking down briefly, she swallowed and made herself busy with her champagne flute. He swore he could feel little tiny electric sparks flying each time his skin met hers. “Sorry” He muttered, ever apologetic.

“Don’t be” She said softly and gave him ‘the eyes,’ the eyes that Calum still thought about before he fell asleep some nights. A face that looked like it came straight out of his dreams, innocent yet sinister all rolled into one, making him shiver. A face he couldn’t help but imagine staring up at him while she takes him into her mouth slowly, then all at once. Quite a regular fantasy he’d been having these days, this face felt like she was giving an open invitation to daydream of her. They’d been calling or texting almost daily for around two weeks since she arrived back home, anticipation rising with each passing day.

“So,” He cleared his throat some, “What are you doing after this?” He asked, meaning for it to come off more charming than it did. “I mean, would you want to go hang out somewhere… else? Or something.” He suddenly regretted going in for the kill so soon, he couldn’t read her expression, though he thought if he stared at her pouty pink lips and long dark lashes for long enough, he might. She smirked to herself and let out a chuckle, using her index finger to poke him in the chest. He, rather dramatically, twisted his face up and rubbed the spot vigorously with his palm.

“Owww!” He whined, wide eyed and feigning disdain. “What did you do that for?” He carried on while she rolled her eyes playfully. Tired of the party’s cold chickpea ‘cheeseburger’ sliders and shallow conversation, she decided to speed this process along. She was no fool, they’d both been waiting for this very moment as an excuse to hang out alone again.  

“Let’s get out of here.” She leaned in to put her lips up close to his ear, brushing her palm up against his bicep lightly. She pulled back to look him in the eyes, a little smile taking over her plush lips his eyes kept finding their way back to. “I wanna come to your house” She stated, stepping forward slightly to close the space between them, her scent creeping up into his nasal passages and making his mouth go dry imagining how sweet she’d taste.

“Yeah,” He cleared his throat, his eyes widening. “Sure… I mean, yeah, sounds good. I’ll grab the car.” He said, trying (and failing) to sound as cool as possible, turning abruptly and b-lining for the gate, lightning suddenly coursing through his veins at the thought of what was to come. Once to the car, he used the mirror to check his hair as he pulled around to the front drive of the house, moving it around and smoothing it down, not making much of a difference with his recently-buzzed ‘do. Now, he knew exactly where the night was going.  

(To be continued...)