#adult survivor

[nothing0fnothing]

I went through some rough stuff in my early life and I think that made me really susceptible to putting up with more of that kind of treatment in my teens up till a couple pf years ago. I know the solution is to get over it and move on but I really don't know how to do that when every day I have a memory, or an episode, or a flashback. It hinders my life in such a big way. Like I had a super fucking sweet job and I had to let it go because I couldn't work and have a flashback at the same time. And I was getting flashbacks 1-3x a week. Now I work for myself which is better but not perfect. I have a sister who is younger than me and she needs me. I have a girlfriend who is also mentally ill. I have a lot of stuff going on and a lot of people I need to support for someone my age, and not enough people I can reliably expect to support me. I just need somewhere to vent everything when it comes up to the surface. I'm writing about the same incident multiple times because when I vent it it doesn't go away, it keeps cropping up, all the time.

[kelocitta]

Anthro Au Survivor drafts feat. too much worldbuilding because I cant just put pants on a slugcat like a normal person & my godawful handwriting

The Survivor (Their full, scavenger-given name includes the 'The') was separated from their family while traveling between colonies and stranded in the dangerous unpopulated wilds. Against all odds they managed to survive (and wander) far longer than they should have been able, but rather than reconnecting with their (or another) slugcat family, they instead made contact with one of the many wandering scavenger troops- But unfortunately not one that had ever met a slugcat nor had any idea what to make of a stranded one. Regardless the group gave it their best, ended up committing to the role of slugparents, and The Survivor and their troop still consider themselves close family long after Survivor finally reconnected with their sibling. (They're a bit of a mess though, understandably)

[beemovieerotica]

did you guys know that if you try to search for "crying" or "sad" gifs on tumblr, the site intervenes because it thinks you're gonna kill yourself and links you to KoKoBot, the thing that data mines users' mental health crises

[trans-axolotl]

content note: discussion of suicide.

this next monday will be the six year anniversary of losing one of my friends to suicide.

when he died, my high school barely mentioned his death, even though for other students who died by things like car crashes or illness, there were so many public expressions of grief. they believed that having any memorials for a student who died by suicide would encourage other people to die the same way. in their rush to erase the circumstances of his death, they erased the memory of his life.

there are so many things i am angry at that high school about in terms of how they treated mental health (mandatory reporting and collaborating with cops, their refusal to recognize the ways in which that system led to peer-to-peer crisis support, their refusal to recognize the ways that trying to keep each other alive through trial and error was scary and exhausting, carceral disciplinary policies, etc etc etc). but i think one of the things i am still angriest about is the way they enforced shame around his death. it felt like they were retroactively blaming him for the constellation of circumstances that made suicide an option in his life. it felt like they were blaming those of us who missed him and cared about him and wanted to grieve him. it made those of us still there who were actively suicidal feel even more scared about the reaction if we did reach out for help from one of those mythical safe adults.

as an adult now involved in psych abolition/mad liberation work, it makes me so fucking mad to see the ways in which he was discarded by people in authority positions. and the older i get, the more options i have found in my life for making sense of the world and finding healing and community and support which were never available to him because he died when he was 16 and the only things offered to him were a carceral psychiatric system that blamed him for his own fucking death. it feels so incredibly unfair.

i miss him and i think i always will; i can't remember his laugh or the sound of his voice or his favorite color any more and that aches. this grief is so heavy and it feels harder in a new way each year, when i become older than he will ever be. sometimes meeting new comrades or seeing new anticarceral suicide support models hurts because i wish so fucking bad that we had that back then. i remember how close we came to losing even more people that year and i know it is simple fucking luck that i'm still here when he's not.

i remember another letter (never sent) that i wrote to a friend while they were in an ICU bed after a suicide attempt when i didn't know if they would live or not. i have spent so much time in the past 10 years begging for anything to keep me and my friends alive, but even in that letter i knew that there is so much fucking violence that is hidden beneath psychiatric logics of cure and safety that promise a "solution" to suicide. I knew that institutionalization, coercion, and shame would not have helped build a life more liveable for him or **** or any of the people i've loved and lost since.

there needs to be more fucking options for care and support that aren't so incredibly cruel to suicidal people. i know so many people doing incredible work in alternatives, peer respite, a million different frameworks for healing and liberation. but it makes me so mad every day i have to live in a world where there are still people restrained, locked up in psych wards, having all autonomy and personhood taken away from them. knowing there are dozens of people every day getting blamed for their deaths the same way he was blamed for his.

i miss him. i cared so fucking much for him. and he died by suicide, and all of those things are true. he has been dead for 6 years and he lived before that and the people who loved him want to remember all of him; our celebrations of his life should not require hiding the way that he died.

Image description: [1000 origami cranes in all different colors and patterns that are tied together in strings of 25]

(these were the 1000 cranes we made to give to his parents, in memorial and recognition of how much he meant to us.)

[uncanny-tranny]

The idea that children are inherently duplicitous, manipulative liars is genuinely doing harm to children and further obfuscates when genuine harm/abuse is occurring because, "what can the adults do, children are demons!"

The idea that children have divine knowledge that transcends adults' own knowledge and they use that knowledge for personal gain is, simply-put, abuse apologism. You are aiding and abetting abusive behaviour from adults, parents/guardians, medical professionals, whomever it might be.

[bourbonificould]

I think the funniest part about the Lee Everett TFS flashback is how we're about to go into a damn death battle with trained soldiers, meaning death is the most likely result of battle and he just pops up and is the most jolly dude ever.

Telltale. What are you trying to convey here? Clementine is literally about to go into battle with three people under the age of thirteen by her side and Lee is SMILING 😭

[borderlinebelle]

oops…🫢

looks like another parental red flag, except this time the medication did the work I never could and eviscerated any and all the emotional attachment! 👍🏽🙂

wow! 🙂

no contact break? sounds like peace and healing to me. 🙂

While, i can’t wait to be back on the 30’s and away from the 40’s. but in the meantime… strategic use will prosper. 🙂

I know they love me deeply. What greatly outweighs that love is the way it is translated. They very offen cannot share their love for me with me without the negativity, fear, and inability to see me for who I am today.

Unfortunately, despite over 10+ years of therapy I still am genuinely and extremely affected by their words. Their words continue to completely destroy me, at the most casual lip curl toward my life or choices.

I have always loved them so deeply it destroyed the very fabric of my brain and reality… because they were INCAPABLE of loving me the way i so desperately deserved and needed.

poverty and pressure robbed us both of that love.

I’ve chased and begged and wept and screamed and dreamed of the love of a parent my entire life. I recognize that they’re traumatized too and I’m finally learning to accept that they’ll never be able to treat me gently or kindly or genuinely.

I destroyed their trust as a mentally ill child, teen, adult. They may never forgive me. They may never sympathize with me. They may never see me differently.

That’s okay. I see me clearly for the first time i since childhood and I’m so proud of the growth I’ve endured and collected and the triumph I’ve forged to achieve.

IF YOU NEEDED TO HEAR THIS TODAY. IMMA BLAZE IT FOR YOU WITH THE CHANGE I COLLECTED FROM MY NISSAN TODAY. CUT THOSE TOXIC PEOPLE OUT TODAY. SLAP THAT BLOCK BUTTON AND TAKE A BREAK!! IT IS okay. You deserve peace and happiness. It doesn’t even have to be for the rest of your life, but getting some space creates room for other things. ❤️ iseeu

reblog for the sad bitches & like it for the mad bitches

[pelman]

Please reblog for more exposure! Also, this isn't an offer to start debates in my replies or reblogs. Express your opinions as loudly and perhaps violently as you'd like, but just to yourselves, not at one another. If you try to start an argument, regardless of what side you're on, I'm blocking you. This is just to gather Tumblr's general opinion.

Anyone on either side of the debate can interact with this post, given that this is a neutral space.

[nothing0fnothing]

Tw. ObviouslyI remember my step dad found this like cheesy love letter that I wrote to my boyfriend when I was 17. He was absolutely furious with me over it. My mom was watching him rip into me over the letter complaining, because in the letter I was gushing about how nice it was of my then boyfriend to take me to a luxury movie theatre because I had never gone before, and spend all his 17 year old minimum wage money on me. He was saying how dare I gush about my boyfriend taking me to that theatre when he took me to that same theatre when I was 3 years old. Apparently 14 years before I wrote the letter he bought me popcorn and a soft drink and how dare I let another man do the same for me as an adult? Yeah my mom saw that conversation go down and didn't question anything. 🙃 Like I'm not saying she should have known from that conversation alone that something went down, but with all the signs over all the years he was in my life, getting jealous that a teenage boy brought her teenage daughter to a movie theatre he took her to when she was a toddler should have been a massive red flag.

[whatbigotspost]

Fuck. Being the child/grandchild of a truly awful, violent person is so complicated. One of the many complex facets of it for me is the act of identifying and rooting out the subconscious kind of self hatred I’ve carried because of who my father is and who my biological grandfather was.

I feel like I don’t often hear a ton about this difficult experience of reconciling the feelings inside you when you really understand that some of the people who have passed along your DNA are among the people you abhor most. People whose actions and behaviors disgust you.

At a subconscious level, and very deliberately, I’ve gone out of my way, nearly constantly, to try to figure out being a Good Person and essentially acting extremely differently than I witnessed/experienced as a kid.

Isn’t this driven by a fear of “badness” in me? Trying to demonstrate kind actions is great. But truly healing takes first recognizing and then acknowledging that in some way, my viewing myself as inherently bad (if not carefully managed) because I “came from them” has been probably hurting me or holding me back in some way. It’s a form of festering self hatred. And like while you KNOW that you are not them and you haven’t done what they did and you’re not responsible for what they did and you’re not doomed to become them… you might “know” it but still not really get it at a deeper level. In how you see yourself as bad or potentially bad.

Basically, I’ve spent a lot of time feeling, acting, and being guilty for things that never had anything to do with me directly.

I’m sure not everyone who shares DNA with bad people will have these feelings but I bet a lot of us do.

Taking this festering self hatred out of the subconscious and into the light where I can understand and therefore counter it is really helpful for me.

[antianakin]

If we do ever get a Reva spin-off show (or movie, whatever), I would like to put it out there that it shouldn't have a SINGLE cameo. Not one. No Rebels characters, no Sequels characters, no Force ghosts, no Ahsoka, no Luke or Leia, no other Jedi survivors, NOBODY. No cameos, just Reva and a cast of original characters.

[ofwraithsandwords]

Are there seriously people who want Larian to remove Halsin’s SA backstory…lol. Lmao even.

[hajihiko]

this is going to sound at least 20% insane but i am so enamored with hajime's arm hair like. that is an Adult Man and i love that so much

Listen. Listen. Body hair is naturally sensual (to me and others). Hairy arms, legs, happy trail, back, sideburns? It's all enchanting. Stop the waxed propaganda, appreciate The Fuzz!

[wolframpant]

"But at least he is still here. Yes, still here. And they've all gone, every one of them."

[mindfulparentingproject]

"You wouldn't be who you are without your trauma."

No. Fuck that.

I am who I am because I pulled myself out of the hell I was brought into and decided I was not going to become like the people who hurt me.

[sky-daddy-hates-me]

Currently trying to figure out how much of my autistic symptoms are actually due to autism and not just the long lasting effects of growing up in a traumatising cult.

Like, finding it easier to interact with those outside my age group. Is that because I'm autistic or is it because I was discouraged from interacting with those my own age because they weren't jehovahs witness, so I could only interact within the congregation where i was the only person in my age group.

Always having an advanced reading age, is that autism or is it because I was reading complex books at a young age ? Was I gifted or just being forced to read to books like revelations explained or reasoning from the scriptures or (loki forbid) the insight books.

Do I struggle accepting opinions different to my own because of neurodivergencies or is it because I was raised to believe that everyone outside of the jws was wrong?

Do I constantly mask and hide most aspects of myself because I'm neurodivergent or is it because that was the only way for me to survive in the cult as a preteen - teen and that mentality is still embedded in my brain.

Do I struggle to comfort people because I genuinely don't understand or know how to , or is it because I was taught my entire life that seeing someone upset is a chance to tell them about jehovah and I was never taught how to comfort someone without trying to convert them at the same time.

Am I so strict in my own beliefs because I'm autistic or is it because I grew up believing that i would have to choose death or imprisonment over disobeying god?