#all of our words are used against us bc they hate our existence!

[shotofstress]

I hope that someday "leftiest" usamericans and other western ppl stop calling "the other 9/11" to one of the most tragic coups in history; the coup and assassination of president Salvador Allende and the destruction of democracy in Chile for the last 50 years and counting, specially bc the coup against the only democratic elected socialist president and his government was made by usa regime itself and with the support of western countries (even Asian ones).

September 11th and never forgive never forget has being used by usamericans like they are the first ones, the only ones to use it, and the most important ones. And, sorry to tell you this, but is not. Is disgusting and vile when one try to search about about it or even just being on Internet every 11th of September and the only thing that people speaks and cares about is the twin towers and, honestly, how yankees speak about it, is like they are the center of the world, they don't even care about the millions upon millions of humans that have die at their own hands before and after that. Specially don't care about the horrible things usa has done to deserve the hate of the world, and how is a terrorist state that is inherently criminal and has done the most atrocious evil things to the world, specially my side of the world. I have never ever seen a yankee seeing the big picture and see history and tell on September 11th: you know what? The killing of democracy that we made in Chile (and we have done since literally the first day of existence of usa and even till this very present day) is what should made us cry and scream this day and what we should be speaking about".

The damage and cruelties that usa and their allies has done and keep doing to Chile and South America is so great and deep that we never stop learning and will never stop to know all the monstrosities usa did and do here, everything we lost, everyone we lost. Whole families and towns were killed so we don't know who die at hands of your dogs and israeli weapons bc no one was left alive to give testimony. Usa take everything and changed my country for eternity, drowning us in blood, lies, and ignorance. Usa doesn't knows pain nor have the right to claim 11th September or "never forgive never forget", specially when are they who have killed people lots of times in that date all over the world.

Usa even today keeps seeing us as lesser, even their so called leftists, and keep controlling our countries, what we do or not do with our laws, recourses, and everything. Even worst, they not only make new military bases all the time, but also usa civilians come to live here, don't even speak Spanish nor teach their little spawns to do so, my people have to leave the neighbourhoods, gentrification everyday, even our languageis being replaced by english. The least you can do is stay aways from us. Don't even put a foot in South America, keep living in your empire, stay away from our territories. You have no right to live here. Your country has take everything from us, from our families to our houses and food, even our Nature. I have no food nor house nor Nature thanks to you. The least is that you ppl stop coming and keep taking and taking, your soldiersand your civilians as well bc you are the same.

And even take dates and words and history, deciding what history is worth remembering and which don't. And guess what? Usa is making new coups here, is making an Operación Condor 2.0, and has being funding the far right here, manipulating the people with far right propaganda with Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, etc, attacking our president and calling for his end, even putting coup propaganda to install a far right pinochetist neo nazi president the next elections by votes or by coup, both way are a coup at the end really. I know that I will have to survive a new coup make by usa, and not even your so called usa leftists will do something or even care really bc your left has never ever do something really meaningful to help stop usa imperialism, specially in South America that you deep down agree is the backyard of usa regime as Kissinger called us and Nixon agreed. Gladio never stopped, and you don't even know what that is.

Death to usa and all its allies in the West and East.

[mono-dot-jpeg]

[4:30pm]

a/n; more bllk thoughts bc i need a break from writing hsr as always. im not than just that one guy who writes platonic hsr fics </3 anyways blue lock doesn't exist in this but they still play soccer

[no bllk au aka normal au ig???] [poly! ryusei and sae] [gender neutral reader, i use baby girl as a joke]

"actually shut the fuck up. i hate you so much, ryusei."

"give me some attention, and maybe i'll change my mind, sweetheart." your boyfriend who truly has the energy of a smug attention-seeking cat. "come on." he drags out his words with a cat-like grin, knowing that you'll give him what he wants eventually.

"why can't you go ask for sae for attention?!" you can't even push him away properly. his stupidly hot and fit body is not just for a look, unfortunately. he wraps around your body like a snake and forces his way into your lap as you're in the middle of a team fight in your gaming match.

"i can't appreciate my baby girl?"

"i'm not baby girl. sae is."

"well, you're right about that. but you're so cute when you're all mad at me." he looks so out of place as he curls up in your lap. "but that's not the point! you're not giving me attention. pause your game! please!~"

"i can't pause an online team game, ryu."

"just pause it."

"that's not how that works." he rests his head against your shoulder as his body is almost big enough to cover your vision from the screen. "how about, i play teamfight tactics after this match, and you receive my attention between rounds?" you offer, holding him loosely as you still need to reach your mouse and keyboard to play.

"hm.."

"please hurry, your stupid ass shoulders are blocking my view. and i'm playing ana, i kind of need to see my team to heal them." you smack his right shoulder as he tries to move his body to let you see your game better. "thank you. so is it a yes or no?"

"fine. you're gonna need to give me a lot of attention then."

"fine." you kissed him near the shell of his ear, making him shiver. "i love you, you big tomcat."

"i knew you would crumble to my pleas eventually. heh."

"don't push it. i'm gonna tell sae."

"what are you gonna tell me?"

"that our boyfriend is needy when i'm the most busy."

"tell me something i don't know."

"hey! that's wrong! i'm needy all the time, actually!"

[aanoia]

Crazy

Kaz Brekker x reader

Summary; the enemy of your enemy is your friend... unless they are also your enemy

Warnings; blood?, knives, uhhhh violence lmfao, enemies to lovers

Words; 2,000+

This didn't end the way I wanted it to but that's okay

The inspo was from the song Trouble by Valerie Broussard

I'm prolly gonna make a pt. 2 bc im cool

Btw,, when introducing the Night Scarlets, each member will have their code name like this, name (code name)

We wear red so they don’t see us bleed

Kaz Brekker hated many, many people. However, there was one group, in particular their leader, that he hated most. The Night Scarlets. Or the Cardinal, their leader. She has been after Kaz since he joined the business. She and her girls have stolen countless of missions right from under his nose, always having his Crows do the work then swooping in and taking over. She infuriated her.

Hundred dollar bills under our sleeve

We intend not to sleep ‘til we’re dead

The thing Kaz never understood was how. How did she know everything he had planned? He had thought it was spies at first, possibly he had a rat in his nest. But no. Even when he went on solo missions. The Cardinal would always know. 

Drink our problems right out of our heads

Singing oh, oh-oh-oh, oh

Trouble

(Trouble)

Singing oh, oh-oh-oh, oh

Here comes trouble

(Trouble)

“Now, not a word to a single soul about this mission. Hear me?” Kaz asked lowly to his Crows. “If the Night Scarlets find out about this and ambush us I will take each of your hands and shove them down your throats. Am I understood?” The Crows nodded nervously.

“Kaz.” Inej started. “You do know we’ve never said anything before, right? I don’t know how but they always find out, whether we talk or not. She always knows.”

Kaz sighed, “I know.” He answered shortly, turning to look out the window.

Dangerously havin’ the time of our lives

These boys are just poisonous thorns in our sides

“So what do we do about them? I mean, I love the ladies, don’t get me wrong. But these ones gotta go.” Jesper said, toying with his new gun he had just stolen.

“I don’t know if there’s anything we can do, Jesper. They’re practically non existent when they aren’t in action.” Nina responded.

“I mean, there has to be a way to catch them. No one can be completely invisible forever.” Wylan said, his brain running through thousands of possibilities. “Maybe we can set a trap for them?”

Matthias snorted, “They’ll turn that into a trap against us. Bad idea.”

“Well, we need to do something. I need money!” Jesper argued.

“You don’t need it, you’re just going to gamble it all!” Wylan said, raising his voice slightly.

Starting fires wherever we go

Watching ‘em gamble everything they own

The group stopped arguing as the sound of glass breaking filled the room. KAz swung his cane one more time and a strangled bird cry came out. He stuck his hand out the broken window and grabbed the bird. Throwing it onto the table in anger.

“A cardinal.” Inej whispered.

Kaz slammed his hand down on the table, “She knows! She knows! How does she always know!” He yelled, picking up a glass and throwing it all the wall, causing Nina to flinch and Jesper instinctively step closer to Wylan. Kaz looked up with death in his eyes. “Change of plans. We’re killing the Cardinal. No matter the cost.

Singing oh, oh-oh-oh, oh

Trouble

(Trouble)

“Ready girls?” Y/n whispered into the small, barely workable communication device that her Fabrikator, Aisha (Raven), had been working on for months. 

“Yeah.” Luna (Eagle) whispered back.

“Ready, C.” Patty (Hawk) responded.

“Steph?” Y/n asked as she pulled her dark red hood over her head.

A few grunts were heard before Stephanie's ( voice filled their ears, “Yep, ready boss.”

Y/n smiled as she began to climb down the walls of the building to the top window, careful to stay out of the Wraiths' sight. “Great. Let’s commit some crimes. Shall we?”

Stephanie giggles, the clicking of her guns being prominent. “Oh, we shall. Ooo, my fellow sharpshooter, my favorite.” 

The line went quiet as Y/n carefully crawled through the opened window, landing silently in the office. She walked briskly to the desk, quietly rummaging through the drawers. She let out a gasp as her arm was pulled back and a familiar cane wrapped around her neck, causing her back to be flush against someone's chest.

Trouble coming in the dead of night

Trouble making everything alright

“Looking for something?” Kaz said quietly into her ear, proud as to finally catch the Cardinal. 

Y/n sighed with a smirk, “Yes. I am.” She said before kicking out his leg, being sure to not hit his bad one. He grunted and took a step back, keeping the cane around her throat. She took the chance to duck out of the way and push him back against the wall, raising her dagger in between the two.

“Y’know, I was very offended to find out you killed my bird.” Y/n said, her hood shielding her eyes.

“Should’ve told it to stay away. The Crow is stronger than the Cardinal after all.”

Y/n laughed, “Oh, Kaz. You should know by now strength is not the most valuable trait of this lifestyle. It’s intelligence-” Kaz’s eyes widened.

“In which I’d have the upperhand on both of you.” A new voice said as two arms knocked the dagger from Y/n’s hands, bringing them behind her back and ripping the hood from her head. Kaz stared at her as people grabbed him as well. He had never truly seen the Cardinal without her hood, and he hated to admit how her face made his heart stutter,

It’s in your blood

It’s in your bones

You cannot sleep for

You cannot sleep for

The two hostages were dragged down the stairs to see their fellow partners bound in ropes. They pushed the two down on their knees next to each other, causing Kaz to let out a grunt as his leg bent weird. Y/n sighed, disappointed in her lack to see the real trap behind Kaz’s. 

“Well, well, well. Look what I have found.” Pekka said with a disgusting smile, looking at each of the criminals tied up. “A bunch of little thieves who think they are so smart.” Pekka continued on his speech as Y/n struggled with her binds. If only she could reach her ear.

“Kaz.” She whispered quietly, careful to not let the boasting man hear.

“What?” He hissed angrily.

She sighed again, “I need you to kiss my ear.”

Kaz almost looked like he was going to hurl, causing the girl to roll her eyes. 

“What the fuck? No way.” He whispered back.

Whoa, oh

Whoa, oh

Tro-tro-trouble, trouble

“Do you want to get out of this?”

“How will kissing your ear help?”

“Just do it, for Saint’s sake!”

“Hey! Quiet, little bird.” Pekka said, walking over and caressing the girl's face with her own blade. She looked at him in disgust and spit in his face, causing everyone's eyes to widen. Pekka calmly wiped the spit from his face before angrily sliding the dagger against her cheek, slicing her skin.

Y/n smiled at him, “Red is my favorite color, you know?”

Pekka glared at her in anger, “Useless slut.” He said before walking back to his men, pulling them into a circle and talking quietly.

“Now!” She whispered to Kaz who reluctantly brought his lips to her ear, ignoring the water pooling around his knees. His lips met a piece of cold metal and he pulled back, actually looking into her ear to see a weird device.

“What is that?” He questioned, eyebrows raised.

Y/n ignored him, “Raven, are you there?” She whispered to nothing, before a relieved smile came across her face. “Emergency. Help. Now.”

Woah, oh

Woah, oh

Here comes trouble, trouble

After a few moments the door of the house burst open, letting in birds of all different kinds, all flocking around and clawing at anything they could get their claws on, Pekka and his men included and targeted.

“Hey, Cardinal.” A voice whispered from behind the girl as she cut her restraints.

“Raven, good timing.” Y/n responded with a smile, taking the dagger Aisha handed her. “Free the other Scarlets. Leave the Crows for now.”

“No, you let us go. I helped you.” Kaz protested as a few of Pekkas men ran out of the house.

“No can do, Brekker.” Y/n said before pulling her hood back up and going to fight off the men that weren’t scared by the birds.

After a few moments a disgruntled, furious yell broke out, “I will get you and kill you all!” Pekka screamed as he ran from the house, scratches littering his skin.

Y/n whistled to the birds, causing them all to stop and fly out the door, their duty finally fulfilled. Her Scarlets stood beside her as she studied the Crows, still tied up and on the floor, a few adorning bird scratches.

“Free them.” She demanded her girls, who broke out in protest. She raised her hand and they silenced. “They will not kill us. They need us, as we need them.” She addressed their concerns and they reluctantly cut the ropes binding their hands. Immediately Inej stood and got into a fighting stance. Her fellow Crows followed after, other than Kaz, who simply lifted his hand to tell them to be calm.

“We need you, do we?” He asked, taking a step towards the Cardinal.

“Yes, as do we, you. Pekka Rollins is, obviously, after us both. We are small groups. Six in yours, five in mine. Rollins has dozens of Dime Lions. It is simply impossible for one of us alone to take him down. You know that, hence why you didn’t let your Crows attack. Isn’t that correct?”

“Unfortunately it is. We shall work together.” Every bird in the room protested. “Until Pekka is down.”

Y/n smiled and held out her hand, “And then you can go back to getting bested by the Night Scarlets. 

“I’m not planning on it.” He said, not raising his hand, and Y/n, ever so observant, had noticed his touch aversion ages ago.

“Air shake.” 

“No.”

“Come on.”

“No.”

“It’s not a deal unless we shake on it.”

“No.”

“I’ll kill you.”

“No.”

“You don’t have weapons.”

“No.”

“I’m smarter than you.”

“No.”

“I’m cooler than you.” Everyone laughed, even Kaz had let a small, smug smirk fall upon his lips.

“You aren’t.” He said, pretending to shake the girl's hand without touching it.

There are dogs on the loose, there are snakes in the desert (in the desert)

I’m that knife in your boot, girl, I got ya (Girl, I got ya)

I’m your number two man in a fight (In a fight)

“And then, we win. Easy peasy.” Y/n said, finishing explaining the plan to the now group of nine.

“Easy peasy my ass.” Jesper mumbled.

“Language, Jes. A kruge.” Y/n smiled triumphantly as Jesper rolled his eyes and handed the girl a kruge. In the three months the two groups had been working together they had become quite close.

“Oh, yeah. I’m so ready for this. We’re so gonna win.” Patty said with a large smile, her arm linked with Nina’s who nodded along.

Y/n laughed slightly, “We will. Now go. Get rest. You’ll need it. We have a big day tomorrow.”

We are revolutionaries tonight

Singing oh, oh-oh-oh, oh

Trouble

(Trouble)

The office emptied, leaving the Crow and Cardinal. Kaz stared at the map, thinking hard.

“Kaz, what’s on your mind?” Y/n asked, placing her hand next to his to provide comfort without actually touching him.

“We can’t do it. We aren’t strong enough.” He muttered and Y/n laughed. Kaz looked at her in annoyance.

“Kaz. We are just about the strongest lot Kerch has seen. We’ve got this. We’re the coolest bunch in Ketterdam.”

Kaz shook his head with a smile he only let out around her. A genuine, happy smile. “Yes, we’re so cool. Do cool people always talk about how cool they are, though?”

Y/n nodded, “Obviously. Have you met me?” She asked with a teasing smile.

“Unfortunately, I have.” 

Trouble coming in the dead of night

Trouble making everythin’ alright

Y/n put her hand over her heart with a gasp. “I’m hurt. You, Kaz R. Brekker, have wounded me right in the heart.” He smiled at the use of his real last names initial, something she had always done once she learned his last name was truly Rietveld. 

It’s in your blood

It’s in your bones

You cannot sleep for

You cannot sleep for

“Oh no, Kaz, I'm Feeling light headed.” Y/n said, stumbling back towards the bed. She fell once the back of her calves hit the bed frame. “I see the light!” She said, reaching her arm up towards the sky. “Oh, it’s getting brighter! Kaz! It’s getting brighter!” She portrayed blood spurting from her chest, before spasming and falling limp, her tongue hanging from her mouth.

She failed to hide her smile as Kaz’s oh so beautiful laugh filled the air. It was like music to her ears. Compared to most people, Y/n got through Kaz’s walls rather quickly, which surprised everyone, including Kaz himself. She had provided him a safe space, free from the water and cold skin and lifeless eyes.

Y/n continued to play dead even after the laughter stopped, not failing to hear the footsteps nearing the bed, causing her heart to speed up. In just a moment, a soft hand gripped hers and pulled her body up as Kaz pulled her into a hug.

“Thank you.” He whispered, before quickly pulling away before the water rose above his head.

Heat creeped up Y/n’s neck, “For?”

“Making me look cooler by your loserness.” He simply said before walking out, pretending nothing happened.

Y/n smiled to herself, falling back onto the bed, a dreamy sigh falling from her lips. She kicked the air while giggling in excitement. Oh, how whipped the Cardinal was for the Crow.

Crazy.

Woah, oh

Woah, oh

Here comes trouble, trouble

[revasserium]

Hewwo Rain! May I request "Close your eyes with Sasuke?" Ty bby!

reqs are open! :)

98. close your eyes

sasuke; 871 words; fluff and reflection u__u bc sasuke needs and deserves both those things

it has always been more difficult to see with eyes like his.

some people call it a blessing, but many more call it a curse — once, when he was still young enough to wonder, he’d wondered why sharingans always burn red. red like blood, like lust, like fire and rust and —

like that tainted moon had shone, huge and bright and unrelenting, on the night his brother shattered everything he’d ever known.

“hey… whatcha thinkin’ there?”

“hm?” sasuke looks up, his gaze falls on you.

you motion to his head with a knowing smile, the steam rising from both your ramen bowls. he looks down, and back up again, wondering if you really are wondering.

“i… nothing.”

“y’know… you’ve never been a good liar. even when we were kids.”

he stiffens, and then, he softens back into his seat with a helpless laugh, a thing that’s more breath than laughter, but still… you’ve been calling it a work in progress. his body relearning the meaning of joy, the weight and shape of laughter as it settles on his tongue. like a muscle that’s atrophied, you’d said, like a limb weak from disuse.

“you say that like it’s a bad thing.”

you smile at him, brilliantly.

“it’s not! it makes life much easier for me.”

he leans down to take a large slurp of ramen, letting the hot broth work it’s way down his throat, blossoming in buds of warmth down the center of his chest till it takes root in the base of his stomach. it sends tingles cascading through all his limbs, makes his toes curl in his sandals, the skin beneath his lashes catch in color as he feels the heat beneath his skin.

you are still watching him, and sometimes he wonders what you see, with those sharp eyes of yours. you’d always been good at watching, at seeing, at understanding what you saw. much better than he’d ever been.

“i was thinking… about why the sharingan is always red.”

you blink at his answer,

“oh…”

“i… used to wonder, as a kid.”

“what made you stop? wondering… that is.”

he looks back down at his bowl, at the slices of pork belly and revolving narutomaki’s.

he allows himself a smile.

“i figured… if that answer was meant to be mine, it’ll find me some day. all the things that i’ve ever really… needed… have found me eventually… no matter how hard i tried to run away.”

he feels the weight of your eyes shift from his face to the empty sleeve where his left arm should be and he shakes his head.

“ah… sorry. forget it.”

later that night, when you’re both back home and the lights are off, you turn to face him in bed, admiring how the moonlight sets an almost unearthly glow to his face, how it seeps into his skin like milk.

“sasuke?”

“hm?”

he opens his eyes; they spin like twin pools of blood in the dark.

you smile.

“i think… the sharingan is red because… that’s the color of love.”

he frowns, but he doesn’t interrupt you.

“because… love comes in so many forms — in lust, and greed, and passion… and hatred too. that’s a kind of love as well… you have to love someone enough to hate them. otherwise… you just wouldn’t care, right?”

sasuke shifts closer, his hair an inkstain on the pillows around you.

“i think… i like that.”

“good. because that’s what im choosing to believe.”

he grins, soft and steady, and then, he reaches our his hand to trail a finger along your cheek.

“see? the answer came to me, didn’t it?”

you crinkle your nose.

“yeah, because you asked at dinner!”

“i’ve been asking for a very long time… this is the first time the answer has come… and i’m glad it came from you.”

he presses his forehead to yours and you feel his lashes flutter against your cheek.

beneath the covers, you feel him reach for you, his grip still a bit too tight, almost as if he’s unsure of your existence, that he’s grounding your realness in his touch, and his touch alone. you reach down to lace your fingers with his, smiling as you meet his eyes, your noses nearly brushing.

“i’m not going anywhere… i promise.”

“and i’m not either… promise.”

you grin at his answer, reaching up your free hand to brush at his eyelids.

“good. then close your eyes… and let’s get some sleep, hm?”

he closes his eyes, and you watch as his body relaxes into the mattress. you wonder what he dreams of — if he spends his sleeping hours wandering the recesses of his memory, chasing down answers to questions he’d never been brave enough to ask out loud.

you wonder if he ever dreams of the future, of one that’s filled with more questions and answers, but also the promise that you’ll find them together.

and, from the way he pulls you closer, murmurs goodnight against your cheek, that he probably does.

[grecoromanyaoi]

hate sending asks like this on anon but I'd just like to block and move on after this with no notifications, so you'll have to pardon that lol. Anyways. with the word "Transandrophobia" out of the question I'd like to ask why you percieve transmasc folk as this sort of ever-present ideological threat to transfems or the idea of being transgender as a whole. I am unsure what the purpose of this /is/, why you seem to act like transmisogyny is inherent to transmasculinity. I'm not interested in debate as a whole, which is why this is anon in the first place, but I'm genuinely curious as to what brought you to placing these two together. I know I know, it's not that deep and etc, but that quite literally is what you are saying when you make statements like "the transmasc community is home to 5 types of guys and they're all the worst". That is transphobia. Transphobia toward any branch or tiny little part of the community has a flat effect- it affects us all the same. Trans people are all degenerate trannies in the eyes of our ((western, tbf)) society- we all get viewed similarly, transphobes do not make the distinction between who is masc or fem or who is TME and who is TMA and the intricacies of our existences. Do you like. Actually, FULLY understand that when you make those sorts of blanket statements and claims about a part of the trans community online you inspire more of the gender-expression-policing and gender essentialism that also affects transfems? that also affects transneutral people? that IS Kalvin Garrah/Blair White rhetoric, in one of its many forms. Like, you are genuinely inspiring what you're attempting to take a stand against.

I'm saying this with no knowledge of your heart or your life or social circles, which I'm fully aware of- but truly, seriously, read more queer theory and talk to more of your local irl queer discussion.

i rly dont think its that deep. i dont think me making fun of specific archetypes of transmascs, as a trans man myself, is such a big deal. i talk abt jews like this all the time too. and yeah i tie transandrophobia truthers to transmisogyny bc more often than not they display transmisogyny in their defense of the transandrophobia label. like i tie transandrophobia truthers to being zionists w a victim complex. bc these things to together more often than not. and i dont think me thinking some archetype of guy is insufferable is something reading judith butler will solve

[animentality]

Oh my GOD, the drama that's going on at my work...

So as some of you know, I've been getting bullied by my boss, let's call her Margaret because she's like Margaret Thatcher.

A Grade A bitch.

So Margaret will give me instructions that are wildly unclear, contradictory, or vague.

I'll give you an example.

We have a project that's basically comparing policy guidance from across different federal agencies with our own, so that we can incorporate their best language into our department's policy documents.

I wrote up a word document with policy analyses for all of our chosen examples.

Margaret said, I don't like this. I can't use it. I can't read it. Change it to Microsoft excel and make it like a checklist.

So I'm like alright, makes sense, my bad.

I do that.

She then complains that it's too much like a checklist and what she wanted was a detailed analysis that she could use.

Also that she can't read excel spreadsheets because there are..."too many words."

...

So. Yeah. Too many words, huh?

So I'm like...ok...but I already did that.

And she says, no you didn't, also I asked you to focus on finishing your analyses of all the departments, not to worry about the format. The format doesn't matter.

But here's the thing right.

The FORMAT MATTERS.

SHE LITERALLY TOLD ME TO CHANGE IT BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH THE FORMAT MATTERS.

And she's starting to go off and she's beginning to yell at me here...in front of any entire team of people...and I just had to cut her off, because if I don't, she's just gonna rant at me for an hour and then hang up and neither of us will have what we want, ie, she won't have the product she's imagining (which doesn't exist apparently bc she contradicted her own wishes), and I won't have the guidance I need to make the product.

So I interrupt her and say I already did that. The analysis is done. Now it's just the format that matters.

Now, she's very angry about the interruption, because she CONTINUES to just bulldoze right over me and keep talking...

And my supervisor, let's call her Sarah, then explodes and says, "Let him talk! He's trying to explain to you what he did and you're not letting him defend himself!"

And audience.

Fellow countrymen...

I would kill for Sarah, I really would.

I was so happy to have someone speak up for me.

But anyway.

So we finish the meeting, although it's very icy and very angry.

And then Sarah calls me immediately.

And she says oh my god I'm so sorry about that, what was that BS?

And I'm like...I'm like so happy to have someone on my side that I just say thank you for standing up for me there.

And she goes into this wild ass, amazing rant and she DISHED, BOYS AND GALS AND NONBINARY PALS.

APPARENTLY, Margaret has bullied every single contractor she's EVER had.

The guy she keeps telling me to defer to?

She tried to FIRE HIS ASS like a month ago.

The guy she keeps saying is like a godsend because he's sooo helpful?

She tried to fire him in his first month.

She was also apparently so hated at her last office that she had to leave because she wasn't getting any respect. She's been shunted all over the department because no one can stand working with her.

She has such poor interpersonal skills and fails so hard at communicating that she literally has clashed with every single member of her team.

And she hates me because I'm harder to bully.

Because I know what the fuck I'm talking about and I don't let her beat me down with her backwards ass contradictory logic.

And here's the spicy drama...

Apparently when Sarah interrupted her earlier...she literally texted HER BOSS, let's call her Laura...to complain that Sarah and I are "working together" and "conspiring" against her.

because "Kai was contradicting himself and when I tried to call him out on it, he INTERRUPTED me and then Christine ENCOURAGED him to and I just thought you should know."

And I find that really fucking funny.

Because she complained to her boss...who immediately sent THAT SCREENSHOT TO THE SAME PERSON SHE WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT.

So YEAH Margaret. We ARE conspiring against you.

But you don't have any allies, as evidenced by the fact that complaining to your boss literally made her roll her eyes and say ah Margaret is at it again...to the same person that Margaret is bitching about.

Anyway.

Totally insane.

Sarah told me, you're very professional and reasonable and sweet, and honestly, I feel protective of you because you're the youngest member of the team and I know that working with Margaret might make you feel like you never want to work again...but you're honestly very good at your job and I won't let Margaret fire you...

And I was really floored by the show of loyalty...

I also laughed because she said, I don't mind taking the heat from Margaret. What's she gonna do, fire me? (She doesn't work for Margaret and is sort of lateral to her position anyway).

I'd like to see her try.

And anyway.

Anyway that was the beginning of my crazy day.

Honestly I'm just smiling.

I've never had a supervisor stick up for me as much as Sarah and I'd love to keep working for her...it's just a shame if she can't keep me from being fired by the madwoman that leads our team.

I hope she'll let me know if Margaret decides to fire me because I dared using Microsoft excel in her presence again...

I'm so sorry that when you work for the government, you sometimes have to read things...

So sorry. But what do you want me to do about it?

Why hire a writer if you're scared of reading?

[feluka]

I remember thinking this earlier and then forgetting but the recent asks reminded me:

In that post where you briefly mentioned not correcting people when they tag stuff as Islamophobia with regards to you (bc you’re actually Coptic), I get the point your making and yeah they’re wrong in just assuming that as an Arab you’re automatically Muslim but it’s still Islamophobia, no? Like you don’t have to be Muslim to be the victim of Islamophobia, because Islam is viewed, at least in the west, as intrinsically linked to Arab identity. If you’re Arab/middle-eastern, people automatically assume you’re also Muslim because that’s the archetype most people have in their minds. Like I doubt most Americans have any idea that ~10% of Egypt is christian because that doesn’t fit into their (racist) worldview. Muslims are Bad because Islam is practiced by those Evil Backwards Arabs in their war-torn desert wastelands, and Arabs are Bad because they’re Fanatical Muslim Terrorists. The people who say hateful things to you on the internet do so because you are Arab, and because you are Arab they perceive you as Muslim which is a Bad thing to be (in their eyes). So it’s still Islamophobia, they bring are Islamophobic even though you are not personally Muslim

Ik this is kind of nitpicky and you probably didn’t mean much by that saying that, but it stuck with me (and this isn’t like a callout or anything, ily Mina and I’m sorry for going on this long tangent)

No worries! I've had this discussion before and part of the reason I don't correct others when they call it islamophobia is because they're not incorrect either. The Arab identity and Muslim identity are very deeply intertwined partially because it's the predominant religion of our region and partially because the Western lens views the region as Brown People Cultural Soup with no intent to further learn of its intricacies.

To answer your question: if someone has a violent/hateful reaction to hearing the Arabic language, they are anti Arab. This person may *think* due to their ignorance that this hatred entails Muslim people exclusively but in reality every Arab suffers from this hatred.

The thing is that racist person *doesn't care* if you define their hatred as anti Arab racism or as Islamophobia. These are *our* words. These terms exist for the sake of *us* to help us define, discuss, and explain the prejudice we face - and I would much rather we establish these definitions on *our* terms (us, who know the difference) rather than relenting to the racist's terms (they, who don't know the difference), because if we don't put in an active effort to acknowledge and include religious minorities then we are complicit in their erasure. If we don't contend the notion that Arab = Muslim then it will never be deconstructed.

You're right in saying that almost every instance of anti Arabic racism entails Islamophobia, and this is why I don't correct people when they describe the racism I face as Islamophobic. The description isn't incorrect at all - but it is incomplete. It is *part* of a broader image, because non Muslim Arabs aren't only discriminated against for their proximity to Islam. Even outside of this conflation, and even with full knowledge that we aren't Muslim, we still face racism (a clear example of this is Biblical Orientalism, whose very basis is the fact that we are Arabs who aren't muslim), so it's not quite accurate to attribute all our struggles as tangential to Islamophobia, and in the end we can still acknowledge our shared struggles and the way they intersect without contributing to the erasure.

[messrsrobyn]

i just saw a tiktok saying the marauders would call the fanon characters slurs bC theY weRE FroM the 70s aND they WoulD NEvEr wear SkiRTs or liSTeN to pOP mUSiC and like first of all sirius black himself told me he's a disco fan, but also... not even going into the "those are just headcanons" territory bc those people love to bring canon, there's a) no evidence of homophobia in the wizarding world, b) there's actually a lot of text evidence that supports the idea of the wizarding world being better at gender equality (which is wild bc jkr is a terf bud i digress...!) and they were teens who were fighting against a fascist system. like, not to go all politics here, but guys, people in the 70s were gay and were fighting fascism and were wearing skirts. all around the globe. it's not a wild jump to think they'd at least be ok with the fact that gay people are real lol (not to say a lot of leftists aren't homophobic, but like, again, this is fiction...they are canonically the light side, they are canonically against bigotry [wild, again, bc jkr] so you come into my house and you tell me they'd hate crime me in real life?) and what amazes me the most is that it's usually the same person that hates jegulus bc "james would never date a fascist" but like, choose your fighter, he's either a man of high morals and fighting for what is right or he's a queerphobe. you can't have both things and use the "fascism" argument in my house!!! actually, people in this fandom should actually just stop using the word fascist, tbh. they think their biggest revolutionary act is to... be mean to people online regarding ships? anyways robyn you're amazing and your patience is certainly better than mine will ever be!!!

I SAW THIS TIKTOK !!!!!

"they'd bully you and me if they were real" well they arent 😭

idk. the creator then said in the comments that people are entitled to their own hcs and it's like,,, then why make a post shitting on them??? just read what you wanna read???

and also yes !! queer people have *always* existed, the 70s were revolutionary for queer rights. i think it was '73 when they removed homosexuality from the APA list of psych disorders, the wholeeee punk scene?! (which always trips me up when people also say "sirius wouldn't have worn skirts/eyeliner! he was punk! like,,, do you know what punk is???)

idc what people hc at all but i hateee when canon/period-typical attitudes are brought into discourses.

"they wouldn't have all been allies or gay, the 70s were very homophobic" sorry that i don't want to read fics about homophobia i guess? sorry that i don't fancy reading about my oppression in fun lil stories??? i get enough of that irl i don't want it in my books. even then, if it is included? i fw it, but why would i want the MAIN CHARACTERS of FICTION that i'm engaging with FOR FUN to be against me????

ALSO !!! agreed. i've said it before and i'll say it over and over again, i HATE the morality based arguments because none of them are real !! i promise that me reading a fic about regulus doesn't mean im a fascist, it means i'm reading a silly little story. or reading mlm instead of wlw doesn't make me misogynistic BECAUSE THEY ARENT. REAL.

especiallyyyy with ships. no. jegulus isn't misogynistic. i don't read jegulus bc i hate women i read it bc it's fun??? bc i want to???

the people making these kinda posts just want to be the best marauders fan and they want to have the best takes and they want everyone to bow down in the comments and say "YES!!! YOU'RE OUR VOICE OF REASON!!! YOU'RE SO SMART AND RIGHT!!!" when really i just want them to shut upppp and let people enjoy what they enjoy.

fandom is so much more fun if you spend your time engaging in things you like instead of hating on the things you dislike (shocking, i know)

[bambistan]

A correspondence between jegulus in a homophobic world bc angst.

⬇️⬇️⬇️

Dear Regulus,

It's been a while since we last spoke, but . . . I was thinking of you today.

I was by the ocean, and the greying clouds created a storm as beautiful as the one in your eyes. I couldn't bring myself to look away, even as it turned violent.

I fear I'll spend every second of my existence longing for someone I can't have . . . Someone I shouldn't want.

I wish one of us wasn't condemned to live in a man's body. Maybe then, I could love you as loudly as I please.

Maybe then we could've been together.

Sincerely,

James

~*~

Dear James,

Much to my own dismay, I was excited to receive a letter from you. We'd agreed not to speak - though is writing really speaking?

I share your sorrows, your pain. I know the feeling all too well as it has made a home inside me.

In the darkest hours of the night, I fantasise about how differently things could've gone had I been born a girl.

I miss you.

Sincerely,

Regulus

~*~

Dear Regulus,

I will admit I hadn't expected a reply - I thought you'd hated me. However, I'm pleased to know you miss me.

I miss you too.

I miss waking up next to you. Watching as the sun slips through the crack in the curtains and paints your face in the most extraordinary shade of gold.

I miss having you close to me. Feeling your head on my chest, rising with each breath I take, ever so slightly.

Do you remember that day in the orchards?

Sincerely,

James

~*~

Dear Jamie,

How could I forget?

We'd exhausted ourselves on the race there and ate almost every apple on every tree.

However - shamefully - my favourite moment was afterwards, in my parents' lake.

I can still recall the feeling of water rippling as you moved against me. The words you whispered in my ear as your grip on me tightened.

I'd sell my soul to go back to that day.

Sincerely,

Regulus

~*~

My dearest,

Regulus,

You have no idea the things you do to me.

If anyone knew, I'm sure I'd be castrated and hung for my crimes - but I'd die with a smile on my face.

Why did we ever stop?

We could go back to that day together.

I need you like I need air. Please come back.

Yours,

Jamie

~*~

Dear James,

Please do not make this harder for me.

You know why I can't go back. There are people who hold such hatred for love like ours.

My parents, the church, everyone in that godforsaken town.

I have to kneel for hours on end in the darkness of the church basement to repent for my sins. To forget you had ever existed . . .

But I cannot.

Even if it hurts . . . I fear that's when I love you most.

Sincerely,

Regulus

~*~

Dear Regulus,

Just say the word and I'll come to you.

Please, my love, I am desperate. It's been years, yet without you, they feel like centuries.

We could run away together - live in the mountains. You always did like caves.

I don't know any other way to ask then to beg, so please please please . . .

Come home to me, love. Let me come to you.

Please.

Love,

James

~*~

Dear Regulus,

I had hope for a while. I'd thought your inability to write back was due to your travelling.

However, it became apparent that that wasn't the case as you would've reached me already.

I can only assume my feelings aren't reciprocated and your previous letters were nothing but a reminiscence of good times.

I will bother you no longer.

Fondly,

James

~*~

Dear Regulus,

It's been months.

I know I swore not to write but is it really so hard to pick up a pen and tell me to fuck off?

I'd do anything you asked, including leaving you alone, so just say the word, and I'm gone.

I'll be, but another memory you smile fondly at before passing by.

Sincerely,

James

~*~

Dear Regulus,

You know it's not like me to give up.

I will fight for the things I want - and I want you.

Madly, desperately, I want you.

Feel free not to answer my sorrows, but know that they will never stop coming.

Love,

James

~*~

Dear James,

Come to me.

Love,

Regulus

Yay!! Happy ending.... Or is it?

[katoska]

The Doctor's theory that the Dots developed sentience and came to hate their classist, vapid users makes no sense and sounds imo like projection.

We know what happens when an AI gets exposed to a lot of bigoted speech. It starts spewing bigotry itself, because it doesn't know better. Not that our current AIs are truly intelligent or sentient, but they do share the human trait that they are a product of the society they exist in. Same would go for more advanced, truly sentient AI. It would get it's opinions from it's programmers and users.

The Dots didn't seem to be ever intended to even mimick sentience like our AIs are. They are higher tech smart phones. You don't talk with them, just at them. And no one seems worried about saying something bad that an AI might pick up on, about pissing off the algorithm, eg about the "I'm going to buy 100" thing, which'd go against the city's Avoid Waste policy. If they were expected to moderate, it would give the Dots something concrete to base their annoyance on. It would have been so easy to put in a "You can't SAY that word in the bubble. Do you want to get suspended? You gotta say [euphemism for the same word]. God, you're so stupid and offensive."

Like, our AIs and content algorithms have more Robot Overlord forshadowing than their Dots do. The Dots show them exactly what they ask to see, and most of their relationships are still live, albeit over a screen, with a real person, some parasocial stuff with celebs (one celeb. whom Lindy wasn't obsessed with enough to not throw him under the bus) notwithstanding. Even their ads are only word-of-mouth influencer-type stuff rather than interrupting them every 5 minutes (it's cause they have a premium Bubble subscription, isn't it?) Their virtual bubble doesn't actually matter, because it's roughly made up of the same people that exist in their very much physical bubble that is their gated community.

Since their Dots don't seem to be set up to encourage or discourage any particular type of behavior at all - what to say, what to buy, how much to buy, or suggesting eco-fascist vids bc that person looked into veganism - why, if it became sentient, would it get annoyed? Esp about people using it for plain chatter, the thing it was intended for.

[anyoldfandom]

My app refreshed and the post was gone (thanks tumblr movile for being stable) but I saw a post about how antisemitism is on the rise bc Jews were attacked outside a synagogue in LA and I went "Oh god, why didn't I hear about that" and.

Oh. You mean a form of protest against stealing and selling land from people being genocided. Got it, got it.

For the record, as a Jew, I am horrified at the idea of going to synagogue only to be beaten and intimidated. But I am more horrified of the thought of going to a synagogue where they are selling the land of people who have been brutally murdered to sell to settlers.

It was not a protest against a synagogue's existence, against our existence. It was a protest against an event where stolen land was being sold. They did not go to that synagogue because it was a synagogue, they went because there were human rights violations happening there. The real scummy thing to do is taint a place of worship with your money smeared in the blood of innocents, and the people involved SHOULD be ashamed, Jew or goy.

Here's the NBC article where I actually got all my information, btw. And even that article is extremely pro-Zionist in its wording.

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/police-patrols-increased-protesters-clash-los-angeles-synagogue-rcna158671

I hate this by the way. I hate feeling like I have to fact check other Jews, that every time I see someone complaining about antisemitism I have to check their post history to see if what they're talking about is actually antisemitism or antizionism. I hate that Israel has been so successful at conflating the two to the public that any time literal genocide is protested, people can scream bigotry. I hate feeling like I have to doubt my Jewish siblings, worried that they think a homeland is more important than the lives of G-d's other children, that they would be happy in a land stained with the blood of children. I could go on, but I'm just...tired of this shit, man.

I'm sorry to all Palestinian people who have had their lives ruined or lost. It's not fair. I'm sorry that so many people have made this about Jewish voices in a way to stifle Palestinian voices. I pray for your safety and your freedom, and I pray that one day, this horror will be distant to your children and grandchildren, a past that they will never be able to imagine the horrors of because their lives are so safe and full and happy, as many of ours are.

From the river to the sea.

[shotofstress]

Dracula is about not only the fears of the author about queerness, but also about the fear of the British Empire to "reverse colonization" and all the sentiments and words reflect that. This fears still exists and the fascists narratives are still used as back then. With the huge rise of far right and hate against The Other (migrants, brown, black ppl, non europeans, the queers, "the uncivilised ", etc) is more than terrible that Re:Dracula make changes to the text bc people don't want to hear slurs and things like science supporting racism, xenophobia, classism, mysoginia, sexism, colonialism, etc. If we apply that logic and censorship to the book in a more care manere to change or erase everything that is discriminatory you would be reading a new book bc they then should censor the awful psychiatric parts bc all the damage and pain that psychiatry did and still do to tons of people like the activists of mad pride and psychiatric survivors, or change the character of Mina totally bc her portrait is rooted in sexist values like the view of the perfect woman that is the emotional support of every men like a virgen Mary figure-like and must be at the level of her husband thus be educated to help him and keep him going to do his duties so this can make feel uncomfortable to the people dealing with religious trauma or the effects of white colonial feminism, and what to say about the class aspects.

If ppl don't want to hear, learn or deal with the feelings that fascist ideas cause, then they should go to live under a rock bc everything you appreciate, learn, enjoy and participate has a history, specially books. You can't escape forever via books or anything, nor back then nor in the present time. The British Empire likes to think that they are "better" now, no longer imperialists, but this is false and if u gonna read/listen to a book that speaks about that fear, then educate yourself. Jonathan and Co. are the good white correct and civilised western people and Dracula is the evil, uncivilised, not really european, not really human, blood thirst warmonger immigrant that don't follow the status quo, the class rules, the hierarchy, the christian ways, that wants to corrupt good british women (the classic "they want to steal and rape our women or even worst also rape our men bc that's how savage they are), want to contaminate good british blood with the evil dirty blood of the emigrant. Dracula has black hair, dark eyes, aquilian nose and big eyebrows that joint in the middle like was and still is the beauty standards in the countries/cultures that the british feared and still fear. I have dark hair and eyes with an aquilian nose. His body is not beautiful bc the portrait works under the idea that criminals are recognisable by how they look, that u can tell, like when europeans and westerns think they can tell who is from their countries and who isn't. Criminal anthropometry is not dead, thats why when ppl like me try to migrate they make biometric records, don't think is for other reasons. Dracula is the eternal fantasy fear that the colonised will take revenge against them and colonise them in return. And censor any part of the book don't help that every present narrative.

You all can have all the head canon you want about Dracula been about a polycule of brown queers fighting against patriarchy or such, i am not against your creations, but you must know about what the book is really talking. For we the mosters, the political and climate migrants, the queers, the colonised ones, the survivors are still been exiled, feared, hunted. I had tried to migrate to UK bc thanks to past and present european colonialism (including british colonialism) my country is in misery, but is more than hard to go there bc I'm the Other that Jhonno and his friends fear and the whole West fears. The far right is rising and censorship is not helping fighting them, the real monsters.

Edit for grammar and clarity

[stargirlie25]

Ok scrolling through acotar tiktok KILLS ME. Its not the og tiktok with cool edits of ships that you prefer its just pure toxic hate.

Like me, you might have noticed there are few and few Gwynriel/elucien content then Elriel content. I don´t believe it is because they dont ship these ships anymore i think its because they are tired.

When i was neutral (about a year ago) on the ships wars, i would CONSTANTLY see Elriels being so confident about their ship and how acosf pointed to an elriel endgame. I had not read acosf by then and when i did+ the bc i didn´t hate elriel i just started to love Gwynriel.

Sometimes sarah likes to put positive factors on a ship, like something beautiful without there having to be a whole theory. Because sarah does not expect her readers to be theorists. She wants them to laugh,cry,giggle,scream. etc. So when she was writing the BC which according to elriels are not important she probably wanted us to look at Gwyn and Azriel and consider her obvious wording and differences between elriel and gwynriel. According to elriels the BC isnt important and does nothing to contribute into plots,but also it introduces Gwyns lightsinger powers? Whatever that is not even my point right now. My point is, at first glance at the BC everybody should be more positive towards Gwynriel. SJM put out a free bonus chapter. Why should something heavy like a characters powers be in there? Its supposed to be a light hearted thing. Im just tired of Elriels saying we are delusional or our ship is a crackship.

I never hated Elriel before. All the anti elriel stuff i have mentioned is everything i was already aware of before ´´hating´´ elain and az together. I was still neutral even with all those negavtives.

Its the fandom that made me turn around and choose Gwynriel. I noticed Gwynriel and Elucien content was much more surrounding pro content for their ship and cute headcanons,cannons,edits,fanarts etc. It rarely EVER mentioned anti Elriel information. Except the elriel content then and now, all revolves around Gwynriel and Elucien. Instead of promoting their ship, they have to tear down our ships and say we are crazy.

It was like: Elriel vs Gwynriel and it said that gwynriel was fanon and elriel was canon. Thats´ just false but i understand i cant change that which i dont mind but why scream about it to my face? I saw people bullying Gwyn and saying she was faking her trauma,lured in hyberns men or was evil for the sake to uplift elriel/elain. I saw people bully emerie too calling her a crippled fake illyrian and how it was stupid for emerie to win the blood rite against her cousin. Or how somehow emerie was a b*tch and does not deserve to be a valkyrie+ nesta and gwyn. I saw people make edits to uplift Elain and hate Gwyn. I witnessed people dismissing Luciens trauma and comparing him to his father. I saw people say he faked the bond to protect tamlin or what not. I saw people make up theories for Clotho saying she was odd because she said she was going to give Gwyn the necklace but probably didnt....

That was my last straw. So yes naturally i did in fact shift to the Gwynriel/elucien side. It was easier. Instead of the bullies i saw cute videos of ´´Azriel and Gwyn singing´´ or ´´Elain and lucien picking flowers´´ it was all just so lighthearted and beautiful.

Although i think the fandom for G/A and E/L decreased because they are tired. Because i was tired too. I did not even want to enter acotar tiktok because i knew we would all be bashed for it. Dont get me wrong i find myself sometimes leaving comments on Elriel videos. Not the ones with a cute edit or fanart the ones the share false information or something i disagree with. I only hope for a civil talk and next thing i know, there is a whole gang of elriels trying to push their narrative on me without listening.

Honestly the ship wars have always existed but before Elucien was the calmer side. Although sadly they got roped into the mess of the G/A vs, A/E wars. WIthout a doubt on every single Elucien video, elriels never miss a step. It would be a cute video like a fanart of them and they will start being like ´´ElAinS So UNComFOrtabLE aROUnd hiM´ like you guys ask us why we ship elucien when mentioning this but its like you dont even want an answer you just want to disagree. We tell you and you flat out ignore it.

As much as i love Gwynriel/Elucien i cant help but miss the days were reading ACOTAR was for all the characters. When it was just to see my favorites like Nesta. When i just desperately wanted to get to the iconic epic scenes.

I know if e/riel was confirmed, Elriels would firstly shove it in Eluciens and gwynriels faces and then maybe celebrate the characters.

I know Gwynriels/eluciens would too and i honestly want to see none of that. Yes i do believe we are getting Gwynriel/Elucien but i would not want to make people feel bad for their ship. They by all means can still love elriel. So many people like feylin,nesris,Aelin x chaol,aelin x dorain, and obviously aelin x sam (my endgame if rowan never existed) dramoine,klaroline,stelena,stiles x malia, Jelly,Bellarke,clexa,Rory x those 4 other guys etc etc.

Main point, Can we all just do better? Yes i am talking about elriels for my sake and lots of others peoples sakes but to everyone PLEASE.

I know that wont work though even if i say it because im only one human hahah

What im going to say is we should tag all our posts to our preferred ship and probably always put anti to the ship we dont like. That way everything is divided and less toxic. Also i will be tagging nothing to do with ship wars because i want everyone to see haha but please be nice!

This is just my experience btw im sure Elriels have has their fair treatment of toxic Gwynriels/Eluciens

[spikeinthepunch]

this is a topic i hate to bring up bc it could easily be misread, or it could even bring bi/panphobes to my post to twist it to their narrative but its a topic that i just. really think ppl need to think more on, as i see more RPGs come in with "no sexualities, you can romance anyone".

as mentioned this alone can be read poorly and i guess my fastest "wait hold on-" statement is, this isn't about not wanting bi/pan characters. this is about game devs seeming to decide that the solution to gay rep lacking in romance choices is to just decide on this vague concept of... no specific sexuality, thus who romances them doesnt matter.

really, thats my problem in its shortest summary. yes this was spurred by the news of the new dragon age game, though its been something i feel like has occurred many times through the last years so this isnt anything new... the problem with this is that no, i dont think it is good lgbt representation to just say "no sexuality" and the reason why i say no sexuality and not bi/pansexuals is that... thats what it is. some of my thoughts are well explained in alxander avila's video "did the sims make you gay?", where basically... in my eyes the lack of recognition of any clear sexualities takes out any weight that there is a gay character there at all.

the problem arguing against the 'no sexuality' is that there will always be people, especially in the game scene, who just want their nice little rpg with no worries about their sexuality being brought up because often times that would also mean recognizing an in universe difference, and some times stories that even work oppression into it based on sexuality. you can have your worry free oppression free 'no sexualities ever talked about' world, thats fine! but the issue is that i think we are starting to lose any attempts to have actual gay stories told in rpgs because of it.

why cant i get another dorian pavus? a character who's gayness was up front in his personal story even if you didnt romance him. that character astounded me in its way of telling such a gay story, because i felt like i hadnt played any rpgs with lgbt options that recognized their sexuality at all. even so, DA had other gay only characters who didnt much bring up their sexuality but despite that i still enjoyed knowing that some were gay, straight, or bi. its variation. it felt natural. and DAI recognition of someone actually being gay did it even more- it made me feel more seen and heard than any previous gay romance. even if some of that was very hard to see (the fact dorian faced oppression and bigotry) it still felt worth it for my experience as a gay person.

like i said, people can have their stories with no worries and no bigotry, but i am really missing a gay connection to these supposed bi/pan characters because no one ever talks about it in game. no one talks about your gender specifically in relation to their relationship with you, no one says much of anything about being bi or pan, no one else on the outside recognizes this either because in this world sexuality isnt discussed. and so in turn... the bi/pansexuality basically doesnt exist at all. i can enjoy a gay utopia but a real gay utopia in our society would... still have us having lived through everything we did to get here. our labels and our identity are what make us. what make us love and relate to each other and feel connected. video games with a gay utopia like the Sims do not have some kinda in universe history with what we went through. thats the detachment here. they did not struggle, they did not live through generations of finding the words that explained themselves, the years of fighting for your love. it is normal there- it is normal and it is never recognized as "different".

i will look forward to the non-straight rpg romances as much as anyone else, i still love to play and see them but im not really doing it with any expectation that the story will implement their apparent bi/pansexuality. i dont think this is a solution to the complaints about no representation, because more and more i dont even relate to these characters' being queer due to the fact there is no real integration of their sexuality into the world/story. it starts to just be 'everyone can romance them, so they dont complain'. i want an rpg where we have bi, pan, straight, gay etc character romance options. i dont care if you wanted to romance some straight girl, or some gay man, and you dont align with their sexualities. i dont care. it feels real, and it feels good for characters to identify with specific things. and you can do this without needing to bring in the oppression/minority issues!! i want to be able to use these specific sexuality choices from companions to even further define my own character's preferences too! i just. want to be recognized in a way that doesnt address it at all.

its not unlike the issues we are starting to have with 'no gender, just bodies A and B' when it comes to character creation... Taking out one part (recognizing sex/gender binary) doesnt suddenly get rid of all the other things that need to be addressed about it. and in this case, what needs to be addressed is... why are we seeing this trend? why have we eliminated the sexualities all together? is that really the solution to not being represented? are we actually losing important stories and perspectives for queer people in the process?

[adambja]

this is sort of long and i hope you know i mean well but i think i had to say this as a follower

i find it really frustrating you being so negative (by calling out drama on your page all the time, you post about your tapes with the hashtag void success and with that, your other asks too, all i see is your posts on the void success tag so there’s absolutely no useful info for me to grasp bc i follow you, i already keep up with your posts and don’t need to see it under the void success tag

so it would be helpful if you could stop using void success tag for posts that has nothing to do with “void success”

another thing

if you will stop talking about the hate, believe it or not, they will move on. The noise will die down, they are not obsessed with you to keep talking about you all day and night. If you can remove yourself from the situation (look at it through bird’s eye view)

you’ll actually see how that blog has let no wrong doings slide in the community ever since they got active.

Rosie left bc she kept lying to our faces all the time. Fleur who i genuinely think was a kind person also had some sort of talk going on, on that page but do you think she continued to talk about it over and over again on her page? no. She continued to help people, continued to get success stories on her page (which you are too, congrats on that)

Charm too cleared the air ONCE, when she was involved in drama, she moved on to do the same thing like fleur

charm had spoken up against unique and she left too (moonlight page didn’t exist then)

so you need to see that speaking up against wrong is important. That’s why they do what they do.

Why they talk about you even when you know you’re not doing anything wrong and only want to help:

People can’t afford your tapes and no one wants to shell out money when there are ample of resources out for free

Examples: pink purchased a custom void sub TWICE for us, with nothing to gain.

junfairykyu purchased a custom void sub and shared it with everyone, with nothing to gain.

konnie made a void sub with really good benefits for free (someone entered the void with it too)

i get that you also come across people who ask for too much, that are plain rude but to continue addressing them on your blog (yeah, tiring) we get that you had to deal w some terrible people but address it once and move on? why mention it in every other post.

(cause not everyone is greedy asking for more and more things from you, some simply follow you for advice, your personal experiences with the law and so on and so forth)

also;

you somewhat sound arrogant when you speak with so much confidence, (some (not i) might use the word cocky too) and of course i’m not asking you to do anything about it,

i am just letting you know as someone who’s also into psychology. (perceptions differ, you don’t have to agree (and i don’t mean to offend)

I know it’s up to you, your page, your rules but

as a follower i only say this cause i want to continue following you but if you keep talking about drama and how everyone is “greedy” then i guess i shouldn’t be here.

So if you wish to continue with your old patterns; let me know. Please don’t block me. I’ll unfollow.

Basically you should've came to my DMs

I love how you told me all this

The tag

it's connected to my blog I just can't change because of the posts I post here about the void

All these examples

I actually love these thank you for sharing these

But 😭😭 you don't understand what is happening people are lying to themselves about my tapes and coaching and I am just being dramatic

There's something about these patterns you are talking about - they aren't forced on me BUT I AM THE ONE CHOOSING THEM - because the first drama got me helping a lot of people and I am really glad it happened 💀💀!!

And I have been talking to myself about choosing something else like comfort aka just constant ignoring

Because it's literally marketing people are buying more tapes and coaching and I love coaching people that's why

I am free rn I won't be having that much time like rn on Christmas 😭!!

Also about the free tapes

Honey 😭!!!!!

It's available thru me via request thru my DMs

You can come and get it for free and I will never share it publicly

I won't block you - you aren't rude - you are just talking and I want this here (just talking) I really respect that - I am feeling good cause finally someone who got a brain is actually talking - NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE YOU

And actually I would love to know who is behind this anon mode 🫶🏻!

I am actually thinking about changing many things here so yeah I won't block you and if you wanna follow or unfollow it's okay - I am sure you will like my blog in the next few days - I've been preparing a lot posts during all that drama and they are already scheduled 😭😭😭!!!

And at the end I wanna say "greedy" isn't about everyone I never specified if it's about someone or everyone!

BUT AGAIN THERE ARE NO GREEDY PEOPLE THEY ALL ARE BLOCKED and like

People who are asking for the free tapes aren't greedy at all 😭😭😭!!! They are fine af - most of them are so nice!

Me being "arrogant" it's because I was just dramatic

And about the confidence yes I am so confident it should empower you not make you feel bad - also the why? It's because I know what I am doing + I know why am I here! So ofc I am confident about every single step I take here!

AGAIN I really respect how long you typed this and I appreciate you being so honest with me 😭

I PROMISE I WILL NOT EVEN TALK ABOUT ANY HATE ANYMORE ALSO THE OTHER POSTS ABOUT HATE AND GREEDY PEOPLE WILL BE DELETED 💀! DON'T WORRY ABOUT THIS

[vyladromeave]

COLD-BLOODED

This fic was made for the 2022/23 Minecraft Diaries Big Bang !! You can read on ao3, or here through the keep reading below.

Fic takes place during the Pikoro arc of S2, except Vylad goes with the group instead of Aaron. Vylad uses he/they here and Laurance has orange hair bcs. I’m an orange hair laurance truther and I said so. Ok yippee have fun !

cold-blood·ed /ˌkōldˈblədid/ adjective

having a body temperature varying with that of the environment; poikilothermic.

without emotion or pity; deliberately cruel or callous. "a cold-blooded murder"

 .

   To most, it’s no surprise to hear that the biology of a Shadowknight is different from that of a human. They’re entirely different creatures, after all, so it’s only natural that they function differently from one another. Exactly how they differ, though, is another question entirely.

   For starters, there was a lot about the biology of Shadowknights that he, to this day, didn’t even know– let alone understand . Everything he knew on the topic was knowledge passed down to him from other knights (mainly Zenix), or things he discovered himself. It’s not like there was a lot of research being done on how they functioned, seeing as a large part of the world didn’t even believe in their existence.

   But beyond that, there were the obvious bits. The eyes that went red when a Shadowknight gave in to the darker parts of themself. The increased strength, and durability. How eating and sleeping became a luxury, instead of a requirement. The immunity to fire was maybe a more obscure one, but in the few cases where it came up in conversation, those he mentioned it to always came to the conclusion that it made sense. How else would they thrive in a dimension consisting of nothing but lava and fire?

   Then there were the pieces that no outsider would ever come to know on their own. Even between Shadowknights, sharing stories of the scars that killed them was taboo. And, contrary to what one might think, Shadowknights typically run cold, not hot. Of course, when they transformed or became enraged, their body temperatures would rise, and since the Nether was so hot naturally, Shadowknights residing there rarely had problems with it. But in all other cases, regulating their own body heat was something completely out of the question. They were cold-blooded creatures, in every sense of the word. It was related to something about preservation of energy- something that allowed them to save their strength to unleash in large bursts when they needed it most- but he didn’t really understand the science behind it, nor did he ever really care to.

 .

   He still remembered the first time he’d grasped the concept of it, though. He was much younger then– hadn’t even spent a year as a Shadowknight. It was his first assignment outside of the Nether, his first ‘real’ mission, first responsibility the Shadow Lord had entrusted upon him. (And the few others assigned with him, of course, though he remembered not paying them much mind at all.) They were sent somewhere cold, and there was some small outpost they were supposed to destroy. He didn’t quite know what to expect, but it sounded like a simple job. Maybe even pleasant. It was something he could easily prove himself with, he was sure.

   He’d been training for this, after all.

   Then he remembered the numbness he’d felt– it made him feel stiff and useless and he hated it. He had never been reminded more of how it felt to be a corpse than in those moments. Not even his lungs dared to move, and his throat felt wired shut. He remembered that feeling of emptiness, so deep he thought it would never work its way out of him. He didn't remember much of his first day of employment, or the day after, though he did remember leaning against his sword, edge cutting slightly into the side of his leg, the pain keeping him rooted and standing upright. He bit his tongue until it bled to keep focused during a briefing, stared at some point in space for so long his vision began spiraling– he had to keep himself from collapsing into it. He tried to keep a constant inventory of the environment around himself after that, to stop it from happening again. It didn’t really help.

   The only solution he’d found was to remain constantly transformed, enraged enough that he was always running hot, instead of freezing like his surroundings. (That wasn’t enjoyable either, but it had gotten him used to the feeling of it.) That same uncomfortable feeling had eventually urged on his fellow knights, encouraging them to finish their mission quickly, and the task was done after just a week.

   “It’s not like it’ll happen again,” Zenix had told him when he returned. It was the first time something really managed to separate the two of them since they met. “I mean, you know how to deal with it now, right? That’s kind of the point.” 

   In a way, he was right; it had never been a problem for him since then. He learned over time that Shadowknights deployed to colder areas were typically newer ones, those who the Shadow Lord had wanted to test, or those who were being punished. Learning to deal with the experience was almost like a rite of passage, and a painful reminder for those who were forced to experience it once again. 

   And after some time, (over two-hundred years of it in fact,) he'd almost forgotten the experience entirely. He’d grown beyond it now; he would never allow himself to stoop so low again. 

 .

   He was wrong.

 .

 .

   He’d never actually been to Pikoro before, but he was at least a little familiar with the land around it. Or at least, familiar with what it used to be like, over fifteen years ago. Things had changed since then, apparently; he had no memory of it ever being so hostile and cold. The land itself seemed to enjoy spiting the laws of climate and nature as he understood them. They spent hours lost in the freezing landscape, estranged from paths that might've been present some years ago, wading through snow that was knee deep and higher in its worst patches. The cold clung to him like water to cloth. And yet, he marched straight forward. 

   The good thing about bringing up the rear of the group was that people weren't often looking back to check on him. 

   He stared ahead, the snow beginning to spiral in front of him, and he found himself lost in the pattern…

   "-Vylad? Hey buddy, where are you going?" 

 .

   He blinked. Somehow he'd made his way to the lead of the group. He looked back to see Travis and Aphmau huddled over a map, probably checking to see if there was a single landmark consistent with the blizzard they'd been traveling through. Laurance, however, was directly behind him, and had been trying to get his attention. He noticed Aphmau taking concerned glances over at the two of them, instead of the map. 

   "Hm?" Vylad tried to tilt his head slightly, and was disappointed to find that even that small movement caused him to ache. 

   "Do you know where you're headed, or did you just pick a direction and start walking? We were following you for the past ten minutes. You didn't respond before when we asked, so we just assumed..." Laurance seemed somewhat confused and annoyed, but mostly glad  to just be getting through to him. 

   Oh. Oops. It faintly occurred to him that he should’ve perhaps been more concerned about getting the group even more lost, but the thought faded away before he was able to grasp it. 

   "I... Sorry. I didn't notice. Do you think taking a look at the map for the sixth time would help?" 

   He didn't mean to sound so sarcastic– at this point it was a genuine question. If looking at the map one hundred times could get them out of here, he would've gladly done it. (And perhaps even a hundred more times after that for good measure.) He typically thought his words over before speaking them aloud, but how they’d be interpreted registered a second too late. 

   Laurance was, understandably, annoyed with their tone. He was stuck in this storm as well, after all. "What do you think ?" 

   "I didn't mean it like that." He tried to interrupt beforehand, but even that was slowed. 

   Vylad took a step towards the two huddled around the map. Or– he tried to, before realizing that not even his legs would obey him anymore. He had stopped moving for too long, and now he couldn't even feel them. He tried to not let it bother him. 

 .

   But Laurance still had full function of his own legs, at least. He took a step closer and placed a hand lightly on Vylad's shoulder, and they were unable to move or protest. He leaned a little towards him, presumedly to speak more privately, though Vylad was certain it was unnecessary given the volume of the wind around them. (He also confirmed that he was becoming delirious, because for just a split second he was sure Laurance was about to-) 

   "-ou alright? Hey, you can hear me, right?" 

   "...What?" His words felt sluggish, like his tongue had stiffened along with his legs. He took a moment to register what Laurance was asking, and put some extra effort into his next words to make them (hopefully) sound more convincing.

   "I'm fine." 

   It took a moment too long for Laurance's taste. "You don't seem fine. You're looking straight through me. Usually, I prefer it when people look at me." He managed a wink, somehow. The gall. How could he manage to joke at a time like this? 

   He felt the faint brush of another hand on his other arm. "You're freezing. How are you colder than I am?" 

   They weren't sure if it was a genuine question they should answer. Laurance didn't feel warm to them, anyways. Then again, they could barely feel his hand at all. 

   "...Do you need a break?" Laurance squeezed his shoulder slightly, presumably trying to keep his attention. 

   "What? No. If we stop moving, we'll never make it out of this." He wasn't sure how much of it came out as actual words, but Laurance seemed to have understood him. There was another faint voice in the back of Vylad's head that wasn’t convinced he’d make it out of this regardless, but thankfully this thought was lost as well. 

   "We should be going now, in fact." He continued. He tried once again to take a step, and once again was denied. Typical. 

   Laurance seemed slightly confused by his actions. Or rather, lack of action. " Okayyy , let me rephrase that. We're taking a break. Unless those two suddenly recognize any landmarks nearby on the map-" Laurance motioned backwards towards Travis and Aphmau, who both hurriedly ducked their heads back down to the map and pretended to not be watching. "-then we're going to backtrack a little. Travis spotted a cave a while back– the rest of us want to try waiting out the storm. Or at least take a break from walking in it." 

   Well… fine. Sure. That sounded reasonable. He wasn't fond of the idea, but also wasn't about to protest. He tried to nod, but he had grown so numb that he couldn't even tell if his head was moving or not anymore. He searched his brain for a proper response, then for any words at all, but all of those thoughts had faded as well. He had enough presence of mind to manage a short, noncommittal hmph noise. 

   But Vylad continued not to move, and Laurance's concern for him only seemed to grow. And so he tugged Vylad, gently, to get him started in the right direction. He felt himself move- or more accurately, felt the world move up to meet him- 

 .

   And then all they could see was white. Snow , their mind helpfully supplied for them, I'm lying in snow. That was a word they could certainly do without. He couldn't hear the wind anymore, though there was a dull, echoing sound coming from... Somewhere. No, not echoing... repeating? A name. His name? He couldn't tell who was saying it. He didn't really care to find out. It didn't matter much, anyways. He couldn't find the energy to care about something so trivial. 

   Fine, he tried to respond, I'm fine . But nothing came out. The snow glistened unhelpfully in front of him, and the bright edges of it began to fuzz as his eyes began to unfocus. He could only hope whoever kept calling out to him understood. That they'd give him a moment to pick himself up, before they continued on their journey. Or perhaps that they'd leave him there, in the snow. It didn't matter much to him at all, either way. It's funny, they thought, how little everything matters when you're dying. He was suddenly hit with a sickening wave of deja vu. Perhaps if he could still feel his face, he would've laughed.

 .

 .

   The heat registered to him before he was even fully conscious. He was sweaty, clammy, could feel fabric sticking to his skin. He felt like he'd been dropped in a volcano with a weight tied to his back, like he was being buried alive while molten hands dragged him down deeper. It was suffocating. Someone was suffocating him. 

   Get off , he protested, and was met with the feeling of something on his forehead. He wasn’t sure what. "Get off of me," he hissed, managing to speak aloud this time, though the words were all slurred and raspy and mumbled together. 

   He wasn't sure when he'd opened his eyes, but he was suddenly aware of the space around and in front of himself. He was lying on his back in an unfamiliar bed, in a room he didn't recognize. The ceiling above him was wooden, though the lines between the paneling appeared blurry, and he found it hard to focus on them when he tried. It occurred to him that his eyes were only barely open, but he couldn't find the strength to open them any further. His sight trailed slowly to the side, trying to take in more of the room as if it would give him a hint to wherever the hell he was. He heard the short gasp from a person next to him, and felt them pull away from the space beside him.. From the short, groggy glance he got, she was a young girl wearing dark, baggy clothes, and had a hair color somewhere between brown and red, all pulled over her shoulder in some sort of braid. His eyes never quite found their focus on her face, and she didn't wait for him. The stranger turned away and hurriedly headed out a door that had previously been obscured behind her, letting it slam rather loudly as she exited. The sound of it echoed piercingly in his ears, and something in the back of his head ached. 

 .

   Where was he? What was he doing here? How did he get here?

 .

   He stared absently at the now closed door. The echoing noise from the door was subsiding, but he was quickly becoming aware of the sound of his own harsh breathing, and so the dull, throbbing headache continued. He tried desperately to ignore it, to instead remember what he’d been doing and how he could've ended up here. He had come here to... Oh, Aphmau. 

 .

   Where was everyone else?

 .

   He flinched as something landed on top of his eye- a simple towel the stranger had placed on his forehead before leaving, that he wasn’t conscious enough to comprehend earlier. It had slid off his forehead and now laid awkwardly across his face, obscuring what little sight he had. On top of that, it was hot– it burned just like the blankets he was trapped underneath. He couldn't brush the towel aside, his arms were completely unresponsive, though the failed attempt to move did at least remind him of what he had been doing beforehand.

   Had he passed out? He must have. Embarrassing. His first thought after that was, "Good thing Garroth isn't here to tease you about it, you'd never hear the end of it, " immediately followed by "Garroth is gone, why do you care?" He found himself regretting being able to think again, wishing for unconsciousness again– at least that way, he wouldn't have to think about anything.

   The idea was just a stray thought, but it began to snowball rapidly. He was suddenly aware of just how tired he felt. He was aware of how every piece of himself felt like it was being pulled down into the earth, aware of just how much effort he was expending to barely remain conscious. It would be so easy to go back to sleep. So easy to never wake up. The thought didn't feel entirely his own, but he couldn't push it out of his mind regardless. 

   Instead, he tried to focus on something else. He attempted to take another look around the room, but the cloth over his eye made it even harder to focus than before. A ghostly afterimage of it was left across his vision, even though it was only obscuring one eye. There was some sort of pattern in the fibers that caught his attention, though he couldn't quite make out. It was a circle- no, a spiral. The cloth itself was square, and yet, somehow, (did it matter how?) it had been woven like a spiral, and the fibers pulled inward, inward, inward, and it pulled him in with it, infinitely growing smaller, beckoning him forward, falling into nothingness while not moving at all, and-

   "Hey buddy."

   And then the cloth was gone.

   "You're awake, right...? Uh, how are you feeling?"

 .

   Everything was too bright now, with the cloth gone. He closed his eyes lightly, (just to regain his bearings was what he told himself,) but that voice sounded so familiar...

   Their eyes shot open and they inhaled sharply at the familiar weight of his hand on their shoulder. They recognized that familiar, fire-orange hair and stupidly obnoxious face. They blinked hard, just to make sure they were really seeing things right, then once more just to confirm it. Laurance. Why did it have to be him?

   There was a tinge of frustration in Laurance's voice, but nothing that really came through in his words, and his expression was filled with nothing but a tentative concern. He was trying to keep the worry out of his face, and was doing a bad job of it. Vylad didn't see the point in it. There was no one else in the room but the two of them, so why bother? (Was he trying to seem unbothered for their sake? Idiot. He didn't need to . Then again, they hated the fact that Laurance was concerned for them at all.)

 .

   It took them a moment to realize Laurance had been talking to them, and a moment longer to remember how to speak again.

   "... Bad." He didn’t really feel like lying right now. There was no point in it; not from Laurance, and not from himself either. He figured it was pretty apparent by the involuntary shake to his voice, anyways.

   "... Where... are we? Who was that? What happ-" He was interrupted by his own shortness of breath, forced to pause his words to take a terribly strained inhale. He didn't have to look at Laurance to know that his concern for him was only growing. He gritted his teeth and grimaced at the thought. He always tried his best to not have strong opinions on things, because strong opinions always lead to strong emotions, but Irene he hated this.

   "Take it easy, alright?" Laurance spoke softly to him, and strangely enough, Vylad found it soothing, much more so than he would normally admit to himself. In a rare moment of weakness, he allowed himself to take comfort in it. His breathing evened out. Just a little bit.

   "We're in Pikoro right now," he continued. "All of us. Aphmau and Travis are here too, they're outside talking with Lucinda." He found a chair tucked away in the corner of the room, and brought it over to the bed before sitting down on it. This was a full conversation now, he supposed.

   "Lucinda ...?"

   "She's, uh, the reason why we came here? She’s a witch, used to be an inhabitant of Phoenix Drop, and Aphmau wanted to find her. You remember that much, right?"

   They blinked once, twice. Yes, of course, her name sounded familiar. How could they forget?

   "Turns out, she's been keeping an eye out over the storm for people caught in it. Some combination of you passing out and Aphmau going out alone afterwards to find help led her right to us, and then she brought us here. So in a way, we should be thanking you." He was trying to make light of the situation, so Vylad decided not to push it. Although he didn't feel very helpful right now.

   "... Right. And the girl is...?"

   "You mean the one who was in here earlier? She's Lucinda's apprentice, her name's Hailey. She's the one who came and got me when you woke up– Hey, speaking of which, did you look at her like that when she was in here earlier?"

   What? Like what? Had they been staring or something?

   Apparently their worry was clear on their face, and so Laurance attempted to clarify. "I just mean, she seemed a little freaked out when she got me, so..."

   "... Huh?" This clarified nothing. In fact, it was making his understanding of the situation worse, though he tried not to let it show on his face this time.

   "Your eyes. They're red."

 .

   … That was… 

   … supposed to mean something important, he thinks…

   Uh…

   "... Like, pink eye ...??" He was... certainly less worried, but definitely more confused.

   That got a snort out of Laurance, which gave way to a chuckle, breaking Laurance's serious tone for only a moment. Vylad wasn't sure what was so funny. 

   "No, your pupils. They're red. Instead of green."

 .

   Oh.

   "Like, in a Shadowknight way."

   oh.

 .

   "Shit-" He hissed out. It didn't even occur to him- he couldn't even feel it. Normally it was hard for him to not notice this sort of thing. But if this was the only way his body knew how to deal with the cold, then maybe… "Really? Shit. Hold on."

   He closed his eyes tightly, tried to focus on the feeling, but when he reached out, all he could find was that pounding headache again. The air starts to catch in his throat again and-

   Something in Laurance's grip on his shoulder shifted, and his eyes shot open.

   "... Is that- is that better?" he wheezed, ignoring how scarily close he had been to unconsciousness. "I can't... tell."

   Laurance waited until Vylad caught his breath to respond. "... Nnnot really." Shit . "But hey, you're sick. It's fine if you can't control that right now." 

   Was that supposed to be comforting?

   "That is... not fine..." He was back to breathing normally– at least, as normally as he could right now– so why did his voice still sound so shaky?

   "I know it sucks, but I don't think there's much you can do about it right now. Just– try not to worry about it, and-"

   "And what, " Vylad snapped, "It'll just- magickally stop being an issue? You should know better than anyone–" He managed to cut himself off. The words had come out so fast, so loud . It wasn't yelling, but given how he normally spoke it might as well have been. What was he even saying? The words hadn't quite felt like his, and yet it was still his mouth that had spoken them. He could feel it now, his eyes faintly burning, and he realized he was only making it worse. Laurance's hand left his shoulder. He wished he was actually being dragged down into the earth, because at least that way he wouldn't be here.

   "I... sorry. I'm- sorry, I didn't..." His voice had become a whisper. "... You shouldn't have to see that." They looked as far away from Laurance as they could, making sure they couldn't even see him in the corner of their eye. There was still a tremble to their voice, but it was different now. Laurance had never heard them sound so... scared.

 .

   A moment passed in silence.

   (Or maybe it was an hour. Vylad couldn't tell).

 .

   "... I don’t think I can go out like this. Sorry. You might have to handle Pikoro on your own."

   "Wh- Yeah, you think?? " The stupidity of his statement broke the tension immediately. (For Laurance, at least.) "Can you even walk right now?"

   Vylad stayed silent. The correct answer was 'no,' but he wasn't about to admit that. Laurance understood anyway. He chuckled softly, and to Vylad's dismay, ruffled his hair. Now it was all pointed in the wrong direction, and some of it had awkwardly fallen into his eyes, but he didn't have enough feeling in his arms to do anything about it. At least, not on his own… 

   Instead, he did the only thing he could: channel all his displeasure into a single, piercing, disgruntled stare.

   Laurance got the message, but it only sent him into a fit of laughter. “ What -” he managed to squeak out through his amusement, “-is something wrong?”

   “There is hair. In my eyes.”

   “There definitely is.”

   “Fix it.”

   Laurance gasped, feigning offense, putting a hand to his chest. “Not even a please? Jeez, who raised you?”

   But despite his playful protests, he did indeed start fixing it. He pushed the strands back out of their eyes and carefully,  combed through their hair, and oh this was worse. The gentle little intimacies he was powerless to stop. They needed to think about something else right now, because they were just delirious enough where they could maybe start enjoying this.

 .

   “... I don’t get it.” He finally managed to mumble.

   “Hm?”

   “Why I’m-… you should be sick, too.”

   Laurance only tilted his head, still messing with their hair. Vylad was forced to continue.

   “It’s- we’re Shadowknights. We can’t regulate our own temperature like how normal people can. You weren’t even cold.”

   Laurance scoffed. “Maybe not cold compared to you, sure, but you literally have hypothermia. What’s your point?”

   “My point is that I’m bed-bound, and you aren’t.”

   Laurance chuckled softly, but that did get him to stall for a moment. He glanced away from Vylad for a bit, clearly thinking something over. 

   “...I think you put too much thought into the whole ‘Shadowknight’ thing.”

   The ease with which he said it put some kind of expression on Vylad’s face. Probably not a pleased one. “Excuse me?”

   “I’m just saying. If Shadowknights are supposed to do bad in cold or whatever, then just… stop thinking like a Shadowknight, and start thinking like a human. That’s what I do.” He punctuated it with a shrug, like he had suggested the easiest thing in the world. Vylad wasn’t even entirely sure what he meant.

   Their brows furrowed. “Tell that to me when my eyes aren’t burning.”

   “Hey- I’m serious, you know! It’s not a joke– sometimes I just…” He slowed down his speech a little when he realized he’d reached something a little more personal, but doesn’t stop speaking. “... start thinking about all the people I care about. Like what I think they’re up to right now, or what we’ll do together when we get back- and then I feel more… me.”

   Vylad huffed. It was a sweet sentiment, at least. “That’s nice. But I know that trick already. And no amount of thinking about family should be able to change your internal biology.”

   “Well it sounds stupid when you put it like that, but. I mean, have you tried?”

   “I– yes. I have.” Of course he did. Constantly. Every day. He wouldn’t be where he was now without it. Thinking about them was the only thing that made him feel like something more than a corpse, sometimes.

   That clearly wasn’t a good enough answer for Laurance. “Hm. Maybe…” He had finally gotten too distracted to keep futzing with their hair, but they weren’t sure they liked where this conversation was headed much better. “I mean- when’s the last time you actually saw your family?”

   “I- wait, I didn’t- family?” How’d he know it was family? Did he know? Did he know everything? When-

   “I mean, I just said ‘people you care about’ before. You’re the one who specified family.”

   Oh. Had they really? They hadn’t meant to. Oops.

. 

   “... Regardless,” they continued swiftly, trying to push past that blunder, “I don’t see how that would help anything.”

   “You don’t see how spending time with people you care about would be good for you?”

   Ah.

   “... You have seen them since you got out of the Nether, right?”

   Uh oh.

   They tried very hard to keep their face blank. Maybe a little too hard.

   “... Dude.”

   Definitely too hard. “I-”

   They were just talking over each other now. “After we’re done in Pikoro, you really should-”

   “-It’s not that simple , I can’t just-” He could feel himself getting worked up again. “I can’t. ” He found enough strength in him to actually turn his head to the side this time. And if he was smart, he would have left it at that, but unfortunately he didn’t have quite as much of a functioning brain right now. “There’s a lot of people who aren’t as lucky as you.”

   He knew it wasn’t fair as soon as he said it. And though he couldn’t see how Laurance’s expression had changed with his head turned to the wall, he could feel it in the silence that passed over the room once again that maybe Laurance had never once felt lucky, even though he tried very hard to look like it.

   “I…sorry. Again. I keep snapping at you. I- We both know that’s not…” Usually he’s better at this. Even on the worse days, he could still manage to keep the less pleasant bits in. What was wrong with him? (Hypothermia, probably.) “I don’t… it might keep happening, until I get this… uh… better.” That didn’t even make sense. “Sorry. I’m sorry.”

   He kept expecting Laurance to just leave. He really should’ve, at this point. He’s got to have gone too far this time. But maybe the guy wheezing out apologies from his sickbed wasn’t quite as hurtful as he thought he might be.

   Laurance pats his shoulder, snapping him back out of his thoughts. “It’s fine, it’s fine. Come on, three apologies is just excessive. Trust me, I understand. If anything, it’s good to know that I’m not the only one who gets snappy when I’m feeling… uh… Shadowknight-y.” And then he lets out a sigh, like ‘Can you believe this guy? Here goes Vylad, saying stupid stuff again! How silly!’

   It would be easier if he was just mad at him. That, he would understand. He didn't get how he could just bounce back from everything so unfazed.

   But, despite it all, Laurance wasn’t mad. And Vylad wasn’t mad, either. Just worn out.

   “I… think I’m just… tired. Or… something.”

   “Oh- oops, right- I was just supposed to check on you. I’m probably keeping you awake, huh?”

   Vylad finally gathered the courage to sneak a glance back over at Laurance. He had that stupid grin on his face again. They hated it when he did that. Definitely hated it.

   “Do you want me to leave so you can rest? You probably need it. You seem a bit better than you did when I first came in, but you still look pretty terrible.”

 .

   And despite all that. Despite everything.

   He didn't want him to leave.

   He really didn't. 

 .

   But…

   “... That sounds smart.”

   He couldn't hold him here forever, right?

   Laurance shifted in his seat. “How about this? I’ll go let Aphmau know you’re doing better, and then we’ll go help Lucinda with whatever thing she needs helping with, because there’s always something, and then I’ll be back here to update you on everything that happens. Alright? Sorry- you’ll be missing all the action, but I don’t think you’d want any of it in a state like this.”

   He really hoped that Laurance didn’t somehow recognize his loneliness from his words… but the promise that he’d be back did help. He took a deep breath in and out, closing his eyes and then opening them slowly.

   “... Okay.”

   He gave Vylad’s shoulder one last pat. “Don’t do anything stupid in the meantime.” Then he stood up, gently pushing the chair out and back to the corner of the room he found it in. “I’ll be back soon, ok?” 

   He exited as quietly as he entered, carefully closing the door so it didn’t shut loudly. And just like that, he was gone. The room was empty once again. (Empty except for himself, of course.)

 .

   It was shockingly hard for him to fall back asleep after that. He was tired, his entire body ached, but he couldn't do anything but lie awake and think.

   So he lies there.

   And he thinks.

 .

   And he wonders what his mother is up to, right about now.

 .

Notes:

once again a big thank you to char @awkwardfantasy aaron @disabledknockout, and cupid @boodles-of-noodles. Loves art for this fic will be linked/inserted here when its done!

also check out the other fics for the bigbang either through the collection here/through the @minecraftdiariesbigbang tumblr, theyre all awesome and everyone did a great job teehee. you can find more from me at @vyladromeave on tumblr (you are here. hello.) and @aiki.art on instagram. ok by now thank you!!!!!!