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askanaroace · 8 months

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How to Best Support Partnering Aros

So this is a response for a request on twitter to understand how to best support aros who do want some sort of committed partnership. Obviously, I don't fall into this category, so while I'm writing this post based on my past experiences and what partnering aros are saying today, I welcome any additions from others!

Understand Aromanticism is a Spectrum

Right off the bat, let's clarify: aromanticism is low/rare or no romantic attraction. That means there are some aros out there who feel romantic attraction, whether that be only in specific circumstances (such as after a bond is formed with the other person), at low intensity, at random/rare times, or otherwise. Now each aro person is going to have their own unique relationship with romantic attraction and romantic relationships. What they have in common is that they don't relate to the common romantic experiences of their peers.

Some aros in relationships are going to experience romantic attraction, at least sometimes or somewhat. And some aren't going to experience romantic attraction at all! Romanticism is defined by individuals. You don't need to feel romantic attraction to perform romantically. You'll need to get to know each aro individually to know their experience. Just don't make an assumption over what they are or aren't feeling.

Understand Intimate and/or Committed Relationships are Varied

Partnering aromantics may be looking for a variety of relationship types! Not all partnering aros are looking for the same thing. Here's the main type of partnering relationships aros may be looking for.

Romantic relationships

Sexual relationships

Committed platonic relationships/friendships

Queerplatonic relationships (unique relationships that neither fall into platonicism or romanticism, all the specifics of which are determined by those in the relationship - no two qpps will be the same)

Coparenting relationships (these may be romantic, platonic, queerplatonic - whatever, but the main driving commitment to them is wanting to raise children together)

Some aros may want multiple types and/or want them with multiple people. But don't assume an aro will want a specific type of relationship. You'll need to get to know each aro individually to know what they're looking for or what they have!

Get to Know Aromantic Lingo

In order to best support partnering aros, you'll want to be familiar with some basic terminology. I introduced you to one thing you might want to know above (queerplatonic). I'll quickly go over some relevant lingo that would be useful for any ally to know.

Identities

Alloromantic - someone who experiences romantic attraction (that largely lines up with the way society expects you to experience romantic attraction); ie someone who is not aromantic

Aromantic - someone who experiences low/rare or no romantic attraction and/or someone who is uninterested in aromantic relationships

Demiromantic - someone who only experiences romantic attraction to people after they have formed a bond with them/gotten to know them; they don't develop attraction to everyone they form a bond with but the bond is a necessary component when attraction occurs

Cupioromantic - someone who experiences low/rare or no romantic attraction and desires a romantic relationship

Non-SAM aro - an aromantic who doesn't use the Split Attraction Model (see Assorted); "aromantic" alone is enough to describe their orientation

Oriented aroace - someone who experiences low/rare or no romantic attraction, low/rare or no sexual attraction, but does experience another type of attraction (ex. platonic, alterous, sensual, etc.) important enough they want to label it; this is often expressed as "bi aroace", "lesbian aroace", etc.

Attractions

Alterous - an attraction based on a desire for emotional closeness that is neither platonic/romantic (the basis for some queerplatonic relationships; people may further qualify this with who they are alterously attracted to such as bialterous)

Mesh - the alterous equivalent of a crush (e.g. "I have such a mesh on my best friend!")

Platonic - platonic attraction/a desire to become friends with a person (ex. biplatonic, homoplatonic; aplatonic is a term for someone who experiences no platonic attraction or finds friendships in general exhausting/difficult to form/maintain)

Smush - the sexual equivalent of a crush

Squish - the platonic equivalent of a crush

Tertiary - a categorical label for any other type of attraction that isn't romantic or sexual (ex. platonic, alterous, sensuous, aesthetic, etc.)

Relationship Related

Nonpartnering or nonamorous aro - an aro who does not want any sort of committed, long-term partnership

Partnering or amorous aro - an aro who wants some sort of committed partnership

Queerplatonic - relationship that is neither platonic nor romantic and isn't accurately/comfortably defined within the expected arenas of friendship or dating; term is open to interpretation on purpose - the basis of the term is that it queers our understanding of platonic relationships in general society

Romance favorable - someone who desires romantic connection in some form

Romance indifferent - someone who feels neutral on the subject of romantic connection; they might partake in romance if the opportunity comes up but they don't actively seek it out

Zucchini - name for your queerplatonic partner (e.g. "My zucchini and I are moving in together soon!")

Assorted

Amatonormativity - the societal expectation that everyone should monogamously pair up with a long-term romantic (often romantic+sexual) partner

Split Attraction Model - a model of attraction where, for some people, their romantic and sexual orientations aren't the same, most commonly used by aros and aces (ex. biromantic asexual, aromantic gay, heteroromantic lesbian, etc.)

Myths, Biases, and Assumptions to Unlearn

Finally, the best way to learn how to support partnering aros may be to understand some of the most common misunderstandings about them so you can catch and call out these inaccuracies.

"Aromanticism is the same as asexuality."

Aromanticism is about romantic attraction. Asexuality is about sexual attraction. Just like some asexuals experience romantic attraction, there are some aromantics that experience sexual attraction. Some people are both aromantic and asexual, and we're commonly called "aroace".

"Queerplatonic relationships can't include a sexual component."

Some queerplatonic partners may not have sex, but some may indeed have sex. Just like platonic friends can have sex. The qualifier to a queerplatonic relationship is simply that it is neither really romantic nor platonic. The sexual component isn't defined: it can be there or it might not be there.

"Aromantics are just players/users."

Some aros may just want casual sex. Why is this an inherently negative thing? Casual sex isn't a problem - a problem can be when people lie about wanting a romantic relationship in order to gain false consent to sex or when someone doesn't listen that you don't want anything beyond casual sex and has sex with you hoping that it will eventually romantically entrap you.

Beyond that, some aros are completely uninterested in sex and some aromantics are looking for some sort of long-term commitment, including committed sexual relationships.

"Aromantics are incapable of love."

Some aros are indeed incapable of love or otherwise don't relate to love (look into loveless and heartless aromantics if you are interested in learning more), but some do feel/desire love. Love exists in all sorts of forms, and beyond that: love isn't what causes you to treat other living beings with respect and compassion, which is something more people should be more worried about. Being loveless isn't inherently negative or harmful or bad. If you equate a lack of love with something bad/negative, then that's something you personally need to look within and introspect on. Love is a neutral concept. It can feel good to feel - but plenty of people can also give you ways in which it can be bad to feel. Other people not feeling love is in no way a threat to you.

"Aromantics are incapable of romantic relationships."

A romantic relationship is a romantic relationship because it's defined as such by the people in the relationship. Even amongst alloromantics, romantic relationships can vary greatly. Some people are very touchy-feely. Others don't enjoy touch much. Some people are very open with lovey-dovey words. Some people are very verbally reserved. While a certain attraction type might be important to someone in a relationship, what it comes down to is what each person in the relationship wants and consents to. If someone - alloro or aro - is okay with a romantic relationship where romantic attraction itself isn't or isn't always present, why is that anybody else's business? There is no one thing that is inherently romantic. Kissing can be platonic, sensual, romantic, sexual, and/or a combo of those things. What makes romantic kissing romantic is the intent/desire to label it as such. An aromantic person can certainly manage a romantic relationship if that is their intent/desire.

"Queerplatonic relationships are just friendships for people who desperately want to be queer."

Putting aside the fact that I don't know anyone who just desperately wants to be marginalized and maligned - so what if they are? People are creating new words to help them describe how they feel and connect with other people who relate. That's how language - and humans - work. Please take some time to consider why you are so threatened or upset by the idea of new types of relationships? It is likely that you simply don't understand and are angry with your own ignorance - and perhaps even close-minded about learning new things. If people felt friendship was an accurate description of what they wanted/had, then they would use friendship. It's okay to not understand what queerplatonic means. It's a very open, vague concept that is incredibly personal to each person to whom "queerplatonic" is meaningful. It means different things to different people. Someones queerplatonic relationship or desire for one in no way hurts or even impacts you. Why does it matter so much that people feel different ways than you?

"Only aros can have queerplatonic relationships."

Queerplatonic is an open term for anybody who finds it useful, including any and all non-aros. An aro and alloro person may have a queerplatonic relationship together. Two or more alloro people may have a queerplatonic relationship together. (Just like not all romantic relationships are just two people, qpps may be two people - or they may be more.)

"Sexual relationships can't be meaningful or important."

The way you feel is not the way all other people feel or are obligated to feel. If sexual relationships, especially without a romantic component, aren't important or fulfilling to you, then don't seek one. But sexual relationships are allowed to be important and meaningful to people, including aromantics, and they are certainly allowed to seek these relationships. Just because you don't want a certain kind of relationship doesn't make it unhealthy or invalid. People are diverse and have a diverse assortment of needs and desires. Not everyone wants the same thing, and they shouldn't have to.

Other Useful Terms/Ideas/Concepts to Know

Aromantic Styled Polyamory

While the focus of most relationships is on two and only two people, anyone can be polyamorous and there are many different types of polyamory which in particular may appeal to aromantics, such as solo polyamory. Don't assume that a partnering aromantic is only looking for a monogamous relationship.

Relationship Anarchy

In today's society, relationships are treated hierarchically. Committed romantic+sexual relationships are expected to be the most important relationship, then immediate familial, then friends/family, then other. Work relationships may even fall fairly high up on this list. Relationship anarchy is about discarding this hierarchy and making your own personal decisions on how important a relationship is to you.

Finally, the most important thing to know about how to support partnering aromantics is to know how to listen to them! Don't speak over them. Let them speak for themselves and help boost their voice. Different aros are going to have different needs. Different aros will have different things that are important to them and different ways they need to be supported. So always be willing to listen and learn new things.

Anything anybody else would like to add or even correct me on? Please, feel free!

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