#and I dont do things the easy way because I have anxiety about seeking help

[mrsthunderkin]

Did a new token for Issy as an experiment for the campaign visuals.

It was a success and now I need to do a whole set.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw- family problems, parental issues,fighting, relationship problems (i think)

seeking- advice, vent

(sorry for any typos) also, can this be tagged as flower anon tyy:)

my whole life my dad has treated my mom terribly i didn’t realize it wasnt normal when i was little, as i’ve gotten older i’ve been realizing how terrible he treats everyone around him especially my mom. my eyes have recently been opening to his true character and i wont go into detail but i feel so guilty that im resenting him cause he can be so nice sometimes but even that is following by something negative. but i dont wanna make this about that cause its about how he treats my mom.

when i was younger they would fight all the time and even still hes always the one to start it. all he does is complain about everything yet does nothing about whatever it is he’s complaining about. he has my mom do his laundry, make his dinner, fold his clothes, make his bed, all of it. by the way my mom has her own job which shes in a lot of pain at the end of the day cause of it and she has to come home to his bs. if she doesnt have his dinner done he freaks out and guilt trips by saying how hes gonna go to bed without eating, when they eat out almost every night so he can easily order food himself or go pick it up. even if he wants her to make home-cooked food for dinner if shes at work, literally doing her job he’ll complain about it and make her feel bad.

he makes her pay rent even tho her hours have got cut so she doesnt make as much any more and he can absolutely afford the whole rent himself. he has literally gone to her job and yelled at her before and now she doesnt want to get another job cause she knows hes gonna go to the boss there and tell him what time she can and cant work.

he polices everything she does if she gets a package he pesters her about whats in it, she leaves the house he pesters her about that. just today she was literally at his parents house (something he never does) and got mad at her for being gone??? its unbelievable. this is all only the icing on the cake. i remember one time me and my mom were going to get something to eat and he yelled at her before we left and when we were in the car she said to me “when you marry, marry someone who will let you be yourself” and it just broke my heart:( she deserves so much better and i just dont know how to help. i want to get a job to help her with money but i have severe social anxiety and also no school or work credits to do so but hopefully once i get my GED ill be able to do something with that. but im no sure what to do. i want to help her so bad but i have no idea how. theres so much more to all of this but im not sure how to tw it 100% correctly so i dont want to say too much, but if there’s any advice you have for this situation it would be really appreciated 🥲 thank you so much for your time!

Hi anon,

It's understandable why you feel guilty for resenting your dad even though sometimes he can be sweet or well-mannered. But it's important to honor why you feel resentment and not necessarily let your dad's good behavior make you feel like you can't be upset about how he has behaved in the past. Sometimes people intentionally behave well to minimize the impact of their bad behavior and make others feel like they have no right to complain. But it's also possible that good behavior is a sign of learning from past mistakes, but even still, it's natural and okay to feel complex emotions about that shift.

It sounds like your dad puts full responsibility on your mom, both productive and reproductive labor, to the point that he acts as if he is completely dependent on your mom fulfilling unreasonable expectations. It makes sense why your mom seems to be constantly driven to a breaking point - because she is carrying the entire weight of the relationship, and more.

It sounds like the best thing for your mom is to get away from your dad, but of course it's not simple or easy. I don't know where she is located but she could potentially consider looking into nearby domestic violence shelters as they can offer a safe place to stay while she comes up with a plan to live independently.

If anyone has any other comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[physicsfox7]

Okay. Same rules as always apply: you can interact if you want to, or ignore this if you don't. As always, I know I'm a lot to handle.

I've had good mental health for over a week. Things were going great, I felt good, was sleeping, kind of eating (still struggling there, but usually 1+ meal a day, even if the + was an uncrustie), didn't have any intrusive thoughts. Then last night I could feel the spiral coming on, and for the dumbest trigger imaginable. For a totally irrational and juvenile and stupid reason. Which makes it even worse really.

It doesn't help that I may be getting sick, or I may already be sick. Not sure, and not sure where that might be going, but I know its not helping.

I mentioned recently that my friends are everything, my heart and soul. But probably 3 or 4 times a week I think to myself: "Wouldnt it be easier, safer, less hurtful if you just...didn't? Let your friends go, they were probably at least as happy when you weren't around. You can drift away from them, let the distance get wider, and you dont have to hurt anymore."

I dont mean friends like we talk once every few weeks or exchange letters or whatever. I mean the friends I can barely go a day without talking to them, the ones that I seek out to say hello to. If I leave, they wont notice for long, and I wont lay awake at night wondering if I said something wrong, if they havent said hi because they're mad at me, if this is all a colossal fuck up and they're screwing with me. Because it has happened. To me. Multiple times.

I guess I didn't realize just how much I let certain people in. Which is stupid, right? Because how can someone be so out of touch they didnt see the 6 foot layer of bullshit come down?

So, what if I didn't? What if I went back to just me and my partner, and my thoughts? How long before I crack in half? How long before I decide I cant handle it, I cant be that alone. I was able to do it once, when I was so much stronger. But I lay awake at night, after the first wave has passed, in a cold sweat. And my mind says you could stop the anxiety if you just get cold again.

I spent 10 years working. I know, I know. Everyone has had a job, has dedicated themselves to it. It was nearly all I had. In my family, you get up and you do your chores, then you go to work. When you get home, you make sure nobody else needs help with their stuff. If you're lucky, after exhausting yourself in manual labor for 12 or 14 hours a day, you can watch tv until your eyelids feel like iron. I cant tell you how many nights I fell asleep on the couch. The last time I went on "vacation", I had to help put a new roof on my parents house. When I was a teen and wed go visit family in NY, there were always chores. Mow the lawn, repaint the fence, redrywall your aunts house, put new decking down. Work was all I knew. Much to my surprise, people didnt do all of this all the time. They had downtime, they had reasonable hours, they had the ability to say no.

Thats another one. Saying no. Seems easy, right? I can type it to myself all day long. If I told my parents no about work, or side work, or any chore that fell into my lap because my sister said she didnt want to, I was punished. In a backwards and manipulative way. Suddenly none of my favorite foods were in the house, my room was never clean enough, I had to do all the dishes from dinner because it just didnt make sense to run the dishwasher.

So when I say I could just flip the switch and become cold again, my whole body goes into panic mode. My heart is racing right now because somewhere, someone is going to read this and know what is going on inside my head.

The only thing more terrifying to me than making an ass out of myself in front of my friends, more terrifying than them getting mad at me; is not having them. I honestly think it might kill me.

I let them in too far, and now what if they leave?

I guess I can't let them go after all. I hope that they don't want to be let go of.

This was only slightly more convoluted than usual. If you're insane enough to read this, I'm sorry to subject you to what is essentially word vomit. I need to get this out, or it will eat me alive. Never really understood what people meant by that until now, that holding certain things in can kill you, can devour you.

I'm afraid of getting hurt, and I'm too afraid to be alone. I just need to not push people away, even though that is my immediate response. Just take a step back for a day or two, its no big deal. Then suddenly four months have gone by, and they're either tired of trying or didn't care enough to in the first place. Hard to say which of those is worse.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, except everything is lined with razor blades to make it more interesting.

[palmett-hoes]

per your post "every single one of the monsters is autistic and/or adhd" will you elaborate on that?, if you do i will love you forever (not that i wont if you dont do it)

oh boy i would love to!!! unironically nothing brings me more joy than writing long, convoluted character analysis posts

---

okay so i’ve written several posts before about why andrew is autistic. his moral code, the roundabout way he communicates, his body language, his stimulation-seeking behavior, his strict adherence to transactional deals, the emphasis on honesty, and a dozen other details. at this point i just take andrew being autistic as fact, not just an interpretation

h o w e v e r  i also hc that andrew is dyslexic, which is also a neurodiverse condition

- - -

similarly, i’ve seen more than one person interpret kevin as autistic, and i absolutely agree that it fits. not just the hyperfocus on exy but mostly the way he communicates. he’s very indirect, especially in his affection but very direct with his opinions. he tries to be helpful in a material way to the people he cares about, even if he comes off as negative. he wants the people he cares about to be safe and successful so he pushes them to work hard and reminds them in measurable ways how to stay healthy. he doesn’t factor in a lot of room for emotions, so instead he focuses on quantifiable things that he can improve. i personally act very similarly. approaching someone emotionally is hard for me, so when the people i care about have problems all i can think to do is try offering solutions, check up on their well-being, etc. practicality instead of conventional sentiment is extremely common with asd

- - -

so now let’s talk about neil. i had to think on this one for a WHILE but ultimately came to the conclusion that neil is adhd, probably hyperactive type. 

like obviously neil is high energy. i would say he probably does the most exercise of anyone on the team. morning run, morning practice, afternoon practice, night practice with kevin and andrew, plus he doesn’t have a car so he runs to class (on a BIG ass campus), and goes for an extra run when he feels stressed. that’s... insane, honestly.

neil reminds me SO MUCH of this post that goes:

“Was just informed by my mom that I do in fact have ADHD and the reason I thought I didn’t was because ever since I was seven whenever I got super energetic my mom would have me go chop wood so now when I’m feeling The ADHD I go chop wood”

(phenomenal post) and that’s neil to a t. tell me this isn’t exactly how neil handles his problems and also exactly what mary would have had to do to keep her unmedicated and very energetic son focused on the task of staying alive

neil also definitely has that ADHD on/off switch with his interest. the obvious being exy which is like the definition of a hyperfixation, but you can see it in other things: the way he runs totally hot or totally cold with people, his complete disinterest in his schoolwork, the way he can’t seem to sit still long enough to follow movies. but then there’s also the hyperfocus. doing the same drill for hours on end. watching exy game after exy game. staring at andrew until time falls away

what’s more, neil on many occasions shows racing thoughts, both in an anxiety way (and anxiety often goes hand-and-hand with adhd) but also as a way to quickly and accurately take in details about people to build a character profile of them. this is what allows him to connect with the foxes, how he manages to get through andrew’s puzzles, and even how he knows what to say in order to knock riko down a peg. his brain just works so fast and it takes in a lot of very specific details and disparate information to make connections.

but also like,, neil has a HUGE problem with time blindness. like the instant he didn’t have his mother around to manage and direct him anymore he lost all sense of time. he stayed in Millport for a YEAR. and what did he keep telling himself during that time? basically “i really need to move on, but not just yet.” for a YEAR! then he gets to palmetto and he’s like “i’ll cut and run in a month or two” then he doesn’t “i’ll be gone by halloween” wrong again “i’ll leave by the raven’s game” nope. like,, the boy just has NO sense of time and he can’t seem to make himself DO anything outside of an externally enforced schedule. and even then,,, HE HAD 48 FUCKING DAYS TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING TO DO TO NOT GET MURDERED! 48 WHOLE DAYS. he didn’t make a plan, he didn’t write down any letters with goodbyes, he didn’t GO TO THE FBI LIKE HE’D INTENDED TO THE WHOLE TIME! nah he just made out with andrew and when he finally got to zero he was just like “ah shit, that was fast. oh well guess i’ll die” and that’s time blindness, babey!

---

let’s move on to nicky. 

now i think it would be really easy to say nicky is just adhd because he’s high energy and forgetful but tbh,, i don’t think that’s all of it. like if you really look at nicky’s character and especially at his problems, he has asd problems just as much as he has adhd problems.

so nicky is dual diagnosis asd and adhd. also nicky reminds me a lot of a girl i used to know who was autistic/adhd

so, adhd:

very generally speaking, ppl with adhd will struggle with sitting still, listening to and following instructions, planning/organization, following a schedule, and some social boundaries like “appropriate” times and topics of conversation

i would say you see hints of this with nicky. he’s definitely a rambunctious personality, constantly on the move, constantly stimulation seeking. he’s very tactile. he likes to dance, he likes to party, he complains about it but he’s an elite-level athlete. he’s also decidedly very chatty, and doesn’t seem to really pay attention to what he’s saying. he distracts himself and the people around him have to keep him on track. he has some trouble with boundaries. he’s a little all over the place. he’s almost a bit of an adhd stereotype

also one thing i find interesting is that when neil sees him in the library doing work neil is surprised to see he’s capable of that, especially bc when we see the upperclassmen doing work they generally do it in their dorms or on the bus and/or with other people around. that hyper-social nicky would be alone in a quiet place is weird. but this is like the most common tip for dealing with adhd. don’t do it in a familiar space. have a designated space and time to do work. limit distractions. just a lil detail

so now, asd:

in all honesty, most of nicky’s actual problems in the narrative could be viewed as stemming from asd symptoms. his number one issue being that he has a lot of trouble with nonverbal cues (and tbh, verbal ones too). the twins are mostly quiet. andrew especially (when he’s sober) communicates primarily nonverbally, and nicky seems to have a lot of trouble with this. despite knowing them for the longest on the team, nicky honestly seems to have the least insight into the way either of the twins actually thinks or processes things. he loves them, and he’s very forgiving of them, but he fundamentally doesn’t understand them. 

the twins, andrew especially, put up a LOT of nonverbal boundaries, and nicky sort of inadvertently keeps trampling all over them. he’s touchy in a way they don’t like. he talks a lot about their personal lives to other people. he treats them like they’re joking when they’re serious. etc. and like,,, you kind of get the sense that the upperclassmen feel similarly about him. beyond the homophobia, beyond the fact that he’s loyal to andrew, the upperclassmen still treat him with this sense of,, bafflement, i suppose? it’s clear that they don’t really understand him and he doesn’t really understand them. although, nicky IS curious about the upperclassmen, while the upperclassmen are pretty dismissive of him. it reminds me of when my sweet, floppy dog tries to play with my cat. their body language is different; they’re each receiving different signals than they believe they’re sending out

only,, nicky loves people!! he likes being around them, he likes talking to them. he’s interested in their lives and stories, but it’s very clear that he can’t read between the lines on people. he has an incredibly hard time with people who expect their actions to speak for them, which is most people, but is especially his cousins.

actually this is very much also an issue that i have: things need to be spelled out for me. the way i deal with it is i ask a lot of questions. ‘how do you want me to react to this potential situation?’ ‘what are specific things that make you most comfortable?’ ‘please explain to me exactly how you feel and what has prompted those feelings?’ and i’m always communicating vice versa like that with other people. a lot of specifics in both questions and answers

and the interesting thing is, when i was skimming through the books reviewing dialogue styles for another ask, i noticed that, actually, nicky DOES do this. with neil and the upperclassmen, nicky asks a LOT of quick, clarifying questions. things that ask after tone, that ask after intent. it’s kinda sad that he does this for communicating with acquaintances, but with the twins, the people he’s closest to, he makes a lot more assumptions. and i’m really proud of nicky for having this coping skill, because i can’t imagine it’s something he grew up doing. there’s no way he was raised in an environment that fostered this kind of open communication so it must have been something he learned about much later, probably in germany with the kloses, which would also explain why he’s a lil imperfect about it

---

now last but not least, aaron

this is another one i had to think through for a long time before it felt like it fit

much like how i felt that it would be easy to read nicky as simply adhd rather than also asd, i think it would be easy to say aaron is autistic simply because he is quieter, less rambunctious. however, i actually think he’s adhd, likely primarily inattentive type

in all honesty, aaron’s #1 character trait for the first two books is basically that he’s disconnected. detached. separated both from his family and his team. not in the same forcefully apathetic way that andrew is, more,, spaced out. he’s just kind,, there. not really paying attention to what’s going on, tuning in every once in a while only if something really catches his eye/ear then tuning right back out again. just sits in his corner and plays on his phone. and the thing is, from the moments when he does tune in, you can tell that he actually does care. he backs nicky when seth insults him in tfc, and we know he cares deeply about andrew even if he’s become disillusioned with their fraught relationship. he even hangs with his family, doesn’t seem to really try and slip away to other friends besides katelyn, he’s fine spending his leisure time with the monsters. so it’s not totally apathy, he’s just,,, tuned out most of the time

and, yea, that sounds like adhd. it’s not the type that most people are familiar with, and for a lot of people this causes it to slip under the radar. it can make it hard to get help or a dx because it doesn’t fit with how adhd “should” look or how someone “should” act, but difficulty focusing your thoughts and staying in tune with the current moment is absolutely part of adhd

addiction is also a huge problem for people with adhd. a lot of stimulants affect people with adhd very differently than neurotypicals, especially in small doses, and an adhd kid who’s struggled their whole lives with the disorder might try speed or god-forbid meth or fuck even coffee and suddenly find that things are a lot easier for them. they start to self-medicate, they don’t actually know what they’re doing, and then they’re addicted, and everything spirals out of control. we don’t know too many details about aaron’s addiction other than that his mother enabled him, but wouldn’t this fit? it’s also an explanation for aaron still taking drugs at eden’s, given that cracker dust seems to be a mild amphetamine. (aaron talk to betsy about the neurocog and get an actual prescription please)

(total throw away but aaron plays videogames and videogames are like,, adhd culture)

[dealwithwarlords]

Ikemen Vampire and their Godly parents

Inspired by Percy Jackson.

Mozart: Apollo

Son of the God of light, of sun, of music, of truth, of poetry, and arts. May not be a leader but set trends. I will start with the most obvious fact and that is Mozart’s talent for music, as all of us know Apollo’s children are exceptional for the arts in general. Mozart is not someone that tends to laugh frequently but as a good children of Apollo, you can hear the sound of what it could be beautiful Bells when he does, and a smile as warm as the sun. Because of his prolonged time on practicing he sometimes has little to none sunlight, that makes him really moody (more than he already is) so taking some walks or playing with Schelm in the garden are necessary for his health even if he claims to not need it.

Not all of Apollo’s children are blond, some of them have physical traits that are related to the sun such as freckles, warm skin subtones, and even if their hair is black if you see it in the sun light you can see a golden or brownish reflection on their hair, in Mozart’s case if we see carefully there’s also warm subtones such as beige, and pink :

While other white haired characters have cold undertones like blue:

Because of Mozart’s incredible fair skin it’s easy for him to get freckles. Apollo’s children are lie detectors, as they say, you cannot cover the sun with your thumb, Mozart knows from miles away when someone is lying.

Apollo’s children are scary when they get mad, be aware of what they could do when they lose control, just like Mozart, it may seem like he’s always angry but he actually isn’t, when he’s angry you will know.

Apollo’s kids are naturally over dramatic, they turn everything into inspiration for music, plays, etc. remember that time when Mozart said that dry things like cookies are his “worst enemy”? Just because Marie Antoinette gave him a bunch of them, he didn’t know what to do and decided it was a good idea to stuff everything in his mouth...

To what MC finished laughing because ... bruh 😂

Isaac: Athena

Goddess of wisdom, handicraft, knowledge and warfare. Children of Athena are gifted with a sharp and brilliant mind. Do I have to say more ? Isaac is a genius, he has an incredible hunger for knowledge, and curiosity that makes him discover the most incredible things in this world. Children of Athena enjoy reading a good book and most of the time you can see them lost in their thoughts.

We know that Athena’s children can be street smart and book smart, the majority likes to be street smart since they already have a facility to keep info from books, but in the case of our apple boy he’s chosen to be book smart, this kind of children tend to have difficulties to relate to others and create deep bonds since their brilliant minds make them feel detached from the world that surrounds them.

Napoleon : Zeus

Charismatic

Natural leaders

Children of Zeus are the leaders struggling with the pressure of being leaders. Since they are such a reliable people, their friends usually seek for them when they need help, maybe they are not as wise as a child of Athena, but their empathy makes them good advisers too. They’re strong and resilient.

Serious but yet humorous

Assertive

Children of Zeus are prideful, they like to tease others but when the tables turn they don’t really know how to react (not like they are doormats but more like in a teasing way something like pikachu face: “you ... you just teased the son of the lightening.. right in front of my salad” that kind of reaction. It’s actually kind of cute 😂

They can be flighty or warm, depends of the person they are dealing with and their mood.

Physically traits could be grey, blue or in some cases green eyes. Children of Zeus usually have gray hairs since a young age.

Arthur: Dionysus

God of wine, madness, ecstasy and theatre

Children of Dionysus are sociable, charismatic and the life of the party. The ones with all the connections. They’re the friend that everyone references when they say ‘I know a guy’ and we all know that Arthur knows or at least recognizes a lot of faces in Paris.

Children of Dionysus are not only party people, they are really clever too, people usually don’t give them credit for how smart they really are, but they prefer to keep that intelligence hidden ‘cause they don’t want to intimidate anyone, after all the party needs to continue !

They are the ones you can always count on to have a good time. The best telling jokes and reading the atmosphere of a room. they are the ones you call when you’re upset and just want to forget about reality for a night.

Stubborn, determined and chaotic nature.

Most of Dionysus children are empaths, that’s how they can feel the mood so well and make everyone have a good time, nevertheless if they don’t have a control over this ability it can be bad for their health, appropriating other people's problems or feeling guilty if they cannot help their friends as a good “host” would do.

Another thing, Arthur really seems to enjoy alcoholic beverages such as beer, wine, etc. besides coffee.

Talking about physical traits Dionysus children rock semi long hair, this chill and laid back appearance is the signature of the god of party and wine. Even when they wear formal clothes you can see this relaxed look on them.

I remember one time I read a post where it said that Dionysus children often have the nicest shoes in the room (idk why? 😂) BUT DUDE that’s true, there was also other post where you guys were talking about who had the best taste in shoes and guess who was one of the best fashionistas 👌👌😂

Also, olive undertones, in hair, skin, etc. if we see Arthur’s hair for example, sometimes it doesn’t appear to be entirely blue, it also has olive undertones:

Jean: Hades

God of the underworld

Talking about children of hades we can see that they are not only the “quiet ones” but also people with a sharp intuition. They observe everything and everyone, quietly. Tend to hold grudges and feel out of place, they stay a lot of time inside their heads and because of this children of hades usually have a hard time finding their “meaning in life” or “their place in this world”. Since they are deep they have a difficult time relating to others, meanwhile everyone is talking about the trends of the year, children of Hades are in other Chanel .

They like to be by their own, or maybe with someone that actually understands them.

I think most of the time people only focus on their “dark personality” and forget to appreciate other traits like the incredible willpower that they have to achieve anything that attracts their attention.

Physically talking, as we all know, children of Hades have dark tones in their hair, eyes and skin tone. There’s something cold in their appearance that makes them look intimidating and mysterious

Vincent : Apollo

Do I really need to explain this one ? 😂😂

I will just cover some facts that relate to Apollo’s children since Vincent is like the PERFECT example of what is being an Apollo’s child.

I think Vincent has a BIG potential to learn any instrument that he likes, also archery but I doubt it since he wouldn’t like to hurt anyone.

Is easy for Children of Apollo to tan, just imagine our angel with a beautiful sexy tan 🙌🏻😫✨

EMBODIMENT OF LIGHT

also, Apollo’s children are healers, and Vincent wants not only to help but if possible heal everyone’s suffer, as we can see in his route, he wants to help MC with her anxiety to return to her time nevertheless he’s never too pushy and waits until MC feels prepared to open up to him.

Apollo’s children are people pleasers, in a mini drama, Vicent tells Leonardo that if there was a girl in the mansion he wouldn’t know how to behave, since he only wants to give a good impression.

Leonardo : Hephaestus

Children of Hephaestus , Their minds are constantly working on something and their ideas running wild.

They have SO many ideas that they have dozens of project running AT THE SAME TIME, they can even compete with children of Athena.

Some of this children may not be geniuses but out of their curiosity and hunger for knowledge is because they can become worthy opponents to the other god or goddesses children.

Masters on none, but master of many.

They also got that freaking cheeky smile of their father.

Intelligent, good looking and good jokes.

Physically talking children of Hephaestus have strength in their upper body, just like their father, they have enough strength in their hands, arms and back to carry or forge any metal and turn it into a weapon (or any creation but you get me) what usually makes them have (on males) big shoulders or backs and in females, they have shorter but stronger fingers.

Comte : Aphrodite

Who was the one that fell in love in the middle of war ????

YUP this guy ☝️

Children of Aphrodite are hopeless romantic, they find beauty and love in the darkest places and times. They are the ones that you go for advice (not the kind of advice you would go to Athena, but one that helps your heart to find a solution).

They like luxury and aesthetic stuff, Comte with all the money that he has could be living his life like Leo, relaxing, giving little attention to appearances, etc. BUT NO

DADDY COMTE NEEDS TO WEAR HIS DIOR PAJAMAS AND RELAX IN A ROMAN BATH THANK YOU. It’s not like he’s superficial, but he just likes to pamper himself.

Children of Aphrodite have charm speak, Idk you but every time Comte speaks is like velvet for my ears. Most of the time people only see Aphrodite’s children as superficial, not so intelligent and unnecessary at battle but they are dead wrong, actually they are really observant and can be manipulative since they understand and almost feel others people emotions and intentions.

Even though their mother is the Goddess of Love, they can hide their emotions pretty well

It is known that Aphrodite’s children can speak fluently French and Oh look at that Comte is French, coincidence ? I DONT THINK SO.

Theo: Ares

God of war

Children of Ares are topically seen as this really short-tempered guy /girl but there’s more about them. I’m gonna start with the basic personality traits, Children of Ares are stubborn as hell, does it reminds you of Theo ? 😅 they are also really protective of those they love, it may not appear like it but they don’t like injustice, so when they see someone that’s being a jerk they fight with everything they got, sometimes they exaggerate tho.

HATES GOSSIP they like to say thing straight to the point and don’t have filter, sometimes they may seem rude but they are just saying the truth

Doesn’t take shit from anyone

Determinant and never gives up, they also give (its rare but they do) advices when they see you really struggling with something, an example of this could be when (in Leo’s route) MC had a hard time deciding what to choose between staying in 19th century France or coming back to her time with Leo, to what Theo noticed her struggling and gave her a brief but nice advice.

HARD ON THE OUTSIDE SOFT ON THE INSIDE

Children of Ares are aware that they intimidate their siblings, that’s why they become silent and prefer to stay in their cabin, but if you want them to open up to you, a nice smile and kind personality would be a great combo to go with them.

Children of Ares are really intelligent, after all their father is also a strategist.

Shakespeare: Hades

Again ... do I have to explain this one ? 😂

Shakespeare is deep af. Children of Hades see the deepest and darkest things in life, that’s why they tend to feel depressed, but because of that they also can see the brightest parts. This contrast usually is embodied in an artistic way, it may be in plays, dancing, singing, stories, etc.

The goth friend

Children of Hades are one of the kindest siblings among all God and Goddesses out there since they know what loneliness feels like.

guess who feels like that ? YUP Will does

they like to be alone but not lonely.

Dazai: Dionysus

Dionysus was known to be a Reckless, crazy god that resembled freedom and fun. Children of Dionysus are usually found smiling for ... no specific reason, some could say is even scary or suspicious, like if they were drunk 😅.

Dionysus has parties where everyone dances and can fall into madness and ecstasy. Dazai is a sensual man, he has this aura that is just so appealing and comfortable to be with, but he is still a mystery, just like his father. Dyonisus was a god that usually doesn’t get in other’s people problems but it is known that he has a lot of powers, and the majority remains a mystery to humans.

Dazai is someone that craves to feel and be loved, but is scared to be rejected for who he really is, instead of that he prefers to show the “clown facade” that everyone likes, after all is easier to have “company” in a party full of people that you don’t know but they don’t really care about you than opening up to someone and being vulnerable.

People usually describe children of Dionysus as “crazy”

They are normally underestimated, but they have an incredible ability for the arts, they create the most crazy yet deep monologues.

These people tend to get obsessed over things they like, this is somewhat bad for them since they can get addicted to things like alcohol, tobacco, etc.

Talking about physical traits, Dazai is like the perfect definition of a Dionysus child, chill appearance, medium long hair, PURPLE HAIR, likes (maybe a little too much) alcohol, smooth voice.

Sebastian : Demeter

Goddess of agriculture, fertility, nature, and seasons.

Children of Deméter have this motherly figure in their group of friends.

Natural protectors.

Great cooks

They can be really strict at scolding their friends, family etc. but they just want the best for their loved ones.

Children of Deméter aren’t really aggressive, but don’t get in their wrong side which would be trying to hurt their family, because they go havoc.

They have an amazing intuition, just like a good mother.

Their personalities are calm and collected, they may panic on the inside when something bad happens but never let it show.

Deméter children are so aware of the details they are the ones that give the best gifts since they know deeply their loved ones, what they like and what they don’t, again, like a good mother.

Faust: Hecate

Goddess of magic, witchcraft, ghosts, necromancy and crossroads.

Children of Hecate are really intelligent and have an amazing memory, after all they have to memorize dozens of spells.

They usually have lots of books, since they have to know the functionality and sources of the magic they are using.

CU RI O US

They may appear frightening since they face and aesthetic aren’t really welcoming sometimes, but they are actually pretty nice.

SNAKE PERSONALITY

cunning and ambitious

Children of Hecate know how to handle necromancy, which makes them closer to death, that’s why talking about this kind of topics doesn’t scare them.

Children of Hecate can be obsessive, they can stay all day and all night practicing their witchcraft, PLS SOMEONE TAKE THEM OUT OF THEIR ROOM.

They have a different type of aesthetic, maybe is not totally GOTH but there’s something religious or spiritual there, they believe that there is a superior power in the world.

Incredibly good teachers. They may not be as charismatic as Apollo kids, but they are patient and good listeners.

Calm but can be sadists too so be careful.

Vlad : Nemesis

Children of Nemesis, as their mother, tend to hold grudges and is really difficult for them to forget those who wrong them.

They can go ExTrEMe lengths in their revenge, elaborate plans that doesn’t matter how much time they take, they will do it.

Maybe scarier than Children of Ares.

Yandere personality who ?

They are really observant and intelligent, they have the ability to find Achilles ankle of any of their enemies.

Manipulative, that gives them the ability to awake rage on the ones they want like allies.

Curiously children of Nemesis have a strong sense of justice and balance, and they will do anything to carry on with their ideals, even if that means taking extreme measures.

Physically talking there’s always red on them, and I’m talking about red hair, liking for red color, and oh ! Look at that, who has red eyes ??

Charles : Tyche

Goddess of chance, fate and fortune.

I really had a hard time deciding for this one, and I don’t know a lot about him but from what I’ve seen I can say he’s a Tyche’s child.

Children of Tyche are extremely friendly and enthusiastic.

J O K E S

very hyperactive

Smarter than they look, observant and empaths, also they like to prank people like a pixie would do.

Pretty smiles, and they giggle like a lot.

Usually green eyes.

Obviously they like to gamble or if the other participants doesn’t like to, Children of Tyche conform with just playing

They love nature and animals.

A kid in an adult body

Don’t let their cute smiles, dimples or freckles fool you, they can be manipulative.

Idk why but I imagine Tyche kids with fairy like features, maybe that’s why lots of them have a short height.

[randomslasher]

I want to talk to someone about how my body feels but Im worried about how I will seem to a doctor. What if they dont believe someone 24 could be in so much pain I could cry sometimes or be so fatigued I have to nap almost every day or be sore all the time regardless of how much work Ive done in a day? What if they write me off becuz of my anxiety or my asab? What if they cant find anything wrong and even more think Im attention seeking or paranoid? Sorry if Im a bother. Feel free to ignore this

It’s always a possibility but sometimes self-care means self-advocacy too.  In other words, if the first doctor ignores you, find another one. Find someone who will listen to you, because that’s not normal. 

But you can do some things for yourself too. Before you see a doctor, keep a journal for a few weeks. Document your pain levels, but more importantly, document the ways in which your pain prevents you from engaging normally in your own life. 

The more specific you can be about the ways in which your pain and fatigue are impacting your life, the better your chances. Saying, “I hurt all the time and I’m really tired” won’t give the doctor nearly as much to work with as, “my pain is so bad I cannot be physically active for more than a few hours at a time. I am unable to do basic things like going to the grocery store without experiencing pain. It’s worse when I’m standing up and lying down helps it feel better. I have to take naps nearly every day, usually around 1-2 hours in duration, because I am so exhausted and fatigued, but it takes me 3 hours to fall asleep at night due to pain” etc. Obviously I made up some of those symptoms but you get the idea. The more specific you can be, the better. 

Also, doctors are huge fans of pain scales, so I like to bring the one I use with me so I can show the doctor what I mean when I give him a pain level: 

Good luck friend, I know it’s scary but if you are experiencing pain and fatigue you absolutely should seek medical attention. Hopefully going in armed with a few of these strategies will help you feel more confident (I find that journaling for a few weeks also helps me realize how much the pain is impacting my life, which makes me feel more justified in seeking treatment. Sometimes it’s easy to write off your own pain in the moment as something you can just ‘deal with,’ but the reality it if your body is telling you something’s’ wrong, you’re allowed to try to get treatment for it!).

[far-from--perfection]

22/02/2021

I helped a pregnant woman to give birth for the first time....

Since i am passing my 3 months internship in ob-gyn, doing a child delivery is an essential step to learn , and i have been so hesitant about it because i doubt myself so much and i am constantly afraid i would mess it up or cause some big problem ( not hold the baby in the right way or letting him fall was a nightmare for me 😢)

Am really proud that i could finally overcome my fears and do it....

I am constantly trying to fight the voice that keeps me doubting myself, god knows this ain't easy, since i have acquired the really bad habit of staying as far as possible from every action/move that would be risky or show my weaknesses or uncover the fact that i dont excell at what am doing! Even if this has cost me a lot of missed opportunities to learn!

comfort zones come across the way of learning, and i keep reminding myself that learning is what i am there for!

So beside learning my job as a doc, i try to learn more about myself so i can gain both science and self empowerment!

I am also trying to stop seeking validation from close people in my life! Nobody will ever understand the struggle or the effort i made to do things that seem so "normal" to them...

I told my mom i finally helped a baby to come to this world and all she did was make a weird face as if it was disgusting! 😅 But i dont blame her... She can't know the importance of this to me...

All what matters is that i did it and i am proud of it! I validate myself and need nobody else to do it for me... every small victory like this one encourages me to do more and kick my anxiety straight in the face!

[pk-majora]

exploring my natal chart like pt 13 i think. found another really great website for a free chart astro-charts.com

I was born during a waning crescent moon and a lot of planets were in retrograde when i was born.

"A Waning Crescent is a wise, aged moon that has already experienced every phase in the cycle. This causes people born under a Waning Crescent to possess special talents or knowledge. Having this unique perspective can lead to a life of success, imagination, and fulfillment."

SOURCES: https://www.yourmoonphase.com/blogs/your-moon-phase/what-the-moon-phase-on-your-birthday-says-about-you#:~:text=A%20Waning%20Crescent%20is%20a,success%2C%20imagination%2C%20and%20fulfillment.

"Retrograde Mercury: These people absorb thoughts and ideas through repetition and osmosis rather than careful, deliberate study. Constantly editing, reviewing, rethinking, replaying it in their mind. Own best teacher. Questions what others accept as gospel. More capable of dealing with abstractions and impressions than those with Mercury direct.

Retrograde Jupiter: These people are capable of taking advantage of opportunities that others ignore or pass by. They prefer to “take another crack” at things others have tried and failed. Their moral and ethical code, religion, and philosophy are their own. They seek answers from within rather than subscribing to the dogma of the outside world. They seek abundance in new, untried, and unproven areas.

Retrograde Saturn: These people may doubt their worthiness as human beings. May avoid taking responsibility for their mistakes and be fearful of taking chances. There is often subconscious fear of rejection and loss. Their limitations and burdens are self-imposed. This may be the most difficult retrograde.

Retrograde Uranus: Here is a natural-born rebel. Strong reformer instincts — for everybody else. These folks have a strong inner need and desire to persistently test their personal abilities against those of others. They must constantly prove themselves to themselves. In seeking greater freedom for themselves, they may limit the freedom of others.

Retrograde Neptune: These people may be confused inwardly as to whether they are “virtuous” or not. Persistently seek to help others, whether their help is wanted or not. They are more susceptible and more easily taken in by others."

SOURCES: https://www.mollysastrology.com/lessons/retrograde-planets/

Some other information about my chart:

"Most of the inner planets are located in the top hemisphere

Mars is on the Midheaven

Ascendant and Mc are in 9 aspects

Venus in Libra and Uranus in Aquarius are in the signs of their rulership.

The Square aspect occurs the most, a total of 11 times

Uranus and Neptune are rising

The bottom right quadrant is empty

The Fixed mode is dominant among the inner planets"

SOURCES: astro-charts.com (they give you all that info if it applies to you when you make your chart super cool website)

Based on my chart from cafeastrology.com I have:

6 masculine/4 feminine placements

3 cardinal/4 fixed/3 mutable mode placements

and my breakdown by element is 3 fire/3 earth/3 air/and 1 water sign lmfao which is my scorpio mars + midheaven lmfao.

Going to see if I can find out what that all means too lmfao.

Also found some really cool websites with info on chiron and lillith placements.

"Chiron is the wounded healer and shows our long-term wounds that often come from a past lifetime. Chiron in Libra is the particular wound of relationships.

We tend to overcompensate in Chiron areas by becoming a bit extreme. It’s natural to try and “fix” the wound, but often I find that we chase a solution to fix our Chiron, instead of uncovering the solution inside of us.

Unlike other planets, it’s hard to ignore your Chiron. It will hit you in the face, over and over, and can make your life pretty terrible, especially if you don’t know how to work with it. The Chiron in Libra wound is especially difficult because it’s all about relationships, something we deal with almost every day.

Chiron in Libra means that you feel like there is something missing from your life. Usually, this “something” is your soul mate.

The Chiron in Libra wound might feel like a hole inside you. You may spend time trying to fill it with things from the outside world. You might also feel as though the world is just a bit off-balance at all times.

With Chiron in Libra, you are hurt by loneliness, but you are also hurt by relationships. Whether you’re in a relationship or are alone, the wound is there. Chiron in Libra shows itself no matter how hard you try to hide it.

There can be a lot of anxiety and guilt surrounding the Chiron in Libra wound. These people typically feel inadequate socially as a child, regardless of whether or not this is apparent to others.

This Chiron in Libra wound can show itself in a variety of ways. Often, these people feel alone and incomplete without a relationship, but they never find the fulfillment that they’re looking for in any relationship, either.

The Chiron in Libra wound usually manifests as conflict in interpersonal relationships. It is really difficult for these folks to have relationships without triggering the wound. This can include conflicts in romantic relationships, as well as partnerships and friendships. If you have Chiron in Libra, be wary of self-neglect in relationships.

Most relationships for the Chiron in Libra person will be karmic. It is important for these folks to focus on relationships in order to heal the wound, but this spotlight must have the intention of learning and working on ways to approach relationships that are more authentic.

It’s not abnormal for the Chiron in Libra person to wear a mask in a relationship. It might be really hard for them to show their true self to their partner for fear of losing the relationship.

The terror of being alone makes it hard for a Chiron in Libra person to get out of a relationship, even if it becomes unhealthy. It’s not uncommon for these relationships to have some sort of abuse involved in them, mainly because the Chiron in Libra person is passive and malleable, so they’re really a prime target.

I find that those with Chiron in Libra tend to give far more than they receive. This is most likely due to their fear of being left alone. There are definitely “people-pleaser” tendencies with this placement; these are the classic conflict-avoidant individuals.

Alternatively, the Chiron in Libra individual can be so afraid of being alone that they refuse to engage in relationships at all. I don’t see this outcome as much, but it is certainly a possibility. These people are often able to give others relationship advice that they can’t follow themselves.

Typically, the Chiron in Libra person gets into relationships with those who show a mirror image of the qualities they can’t see in themselves. They might also give to their partners what they aren’t able to give to their inner selves.

A Chiron in Libra individual might live a double life. It’s easy for them to hide who they truly are inside if they feel that they must put on a face in order to stay in a relationship. Sometimes, these people will do this for years, even while living with a partner.

This really is the classic Romeo & Juliet placement. Chiron in Libra is all about sacrificing yourself for the partner. Often, individuals do this because they are desperately trying to heal the wound, but it doesn’t fix it.

I find that most Chiron in Libra placements are developed in a past life. Unlike other wounds, this wound is about karmic relationships, so Chiron in Libra people will usually meet the same souls over and over until the wound is healed.

Sometimes, these Chironic beliefs are cemented by parents or through other early life experience, but the original wound almost always comes from a relationship trauma in a past life.

The first step to healing Chiron in Libra is to recognize that the true soul mate is within. The Chiron in Libra person is constantly looking to fill that “soul mate” void with other people, but they will only feel truly complete by connecting with the inner self.

You will find with this placement that others reflect your own needs back to you. If you see qualities in others that you feel you lack, then it’s time to try and discover those qualities within yourself instead of outsourcing.

You will need to learn how to be authentic in a relationship, without hiding any part of yourself. You probably feel fear that you might be left alone if you do reveal your true self, but this is fear that you have to process and move through. It’s okay to be afraid. The lesson with Chiron in Libra is to do it anyways!

Unconditional love for the self is something that will be helpful for you to develop. You will learn, by doing this work, that separateness and aloneness were simply illusions. I find that energy work can be especially helpful, as well as meditation and inner work."

SOURCES: https://teaandrosemary.com/chiron-in-libra/

(Lillith in Virgo) "Rebellion against order; provocative humour.

Their sensuality is strongly suppressed by trying to appear calm; emotional conflicts often occur because it is very difficult for these people to feel relaxed. They want to suppress their instincts or they appear to be cold and perverted.

Beware of alcoholism and surgery of the intestines."

SOURCES: https://horoscopes.astro-seek.com/lilith-in-virgo-sign-astrology-meaning

I also have something called a yod that i dont quite understand yet lol. it looks like an isosceles triangle in my chart between my MC, North Node, and Saturn and it looks like its pointing at my saturn but idk what that means lol. the chart on astro-charts.com just let me know i have it lmfao.

[jaeheekangisimportant]

I dont know if you had ever felt this but here is a confession, I feel personally attacked when someone who dislikes my fav and shows no empathy towards him, not even trying to understand his perspective. I feel attacked because I relate to him in several aspect, be it personal experiences or personality traits....I myself feel hated as well. This is sometimes the reason why I feel like taking a huge break from the mysme community. I remember last week i saw a fanart of him on my explore page only to find that someone had written negative stuff about him and honestly that actually makes me physically triggered. I am being overdramatic but sorry this makes me feel personally hated as well.

I definitely understand being upset when someone dislikes your fave, especially when it’s a character you relate to. There is a reason why this blog and my Yoosung ones exist, after all. But it’s important not to base your self-worth and happiness too much in fandom. Someone disliking your fave is not a personal attack, even if it feels like one. I can understand being defensive, again that’s why I have these blogs, but you have to train yourself not to take it personally.

I’m really saying this out of concern for you, anon, because I know the feeling and experience you’re describing and it’s not a healthy one. I don’t like to get too personal on these blogs but if I can talk about my own experience for a moment, I’ve found that when my depression and anxiety is especially bad, when I’m in a really bad space emotionally and mentally, that’s when I start feeling what you’re describing the most. Because I tend to use fandom as a distraction and a coping mechanism when I’m not doing well, and that can be okay in moderation, but I’ve also found that it’s during those times that I’m especially sensitive to criticisms and discourse. I find myself getting unreasonably upset over what I perceive as bad takes about things I like and taking it all too personally, and that’s when I know it’s time to step back and sort out my own shit. Because I’m not really that upset about fandom discourse, that’s a minor annoyance at best, I’m upset about this other thing in my life that I’m not dealing with or can’t deal with, and I’m deflecting my emotional energy onto something else because it feels easier. I don’t know if it’s exactly the same for you, this is just something that I’ve seen in myself and maybe it could help you understand why you feel this way sometimes? Idk. 2020 is also just a terrible year for everyone, so it’s not exactly easy to process anything or be our best selves right now

The best advice I can give you is to teach yourself to step back and take a break from fandom when you need to, and also make yourself a space in it that’s comfortable for you. As much as we joke about Tumblr being a hellsite, it really is one of the easiest places to curate your online experience. Unfollow who you need to unfollow, block who you need to block, seek out the content you want and do your best to ignore content that you know will upset you.

[carternate]

i really dont understand my own feelings

and im fucking terrified of myself.

i refuse to say im okay anymore. my head isnt okay

what im feeling isnt fucking normal

and i take it out on my girlfriend but in the same respect im terrified of telling her shit because i will be exposed. i trust her i want her and i love her more than anything. but i dont know how to explain my emotions anymore. i never did actually. im a fucking mess in general. i hate that i feel stuck in a prison of my own body. its not the dumb ass transgender feeling

its a literal feeling of a cage.

i hate the people in my past. i hate that they still have an impact

i hate that i cant control myself like i used to be able to and that i cant even take my medication because i tell myself im too tough for it lmao. i literally was so close to ending my life, but in an instant this time. not some pussy shit where i begged for help and then it was possible for someone to save me

i almost really just ended it. ended it because i didnt find value in it.

i dont feel good enough and everything seems wrong

but i want to be okay and be good and make it to heaven. i used to have a passion

i used to love god with all my heart but i cant even understand it anymore

its noones fault but my own

and that hurts even more

i cant even try to blame it on another its on me this time

ive lost control

i cant even think long enough to listen in my hour long class.

i thought i was broken before because of a family that degraded me

but whatever the fuck i feel now feels eighty times worse

but i keep it internal and i cant keep it in anymore

im going to fucking explode

im falling apart completely

and im going insane

and i dont feel that i belong here

i literally will sit in my car and think of scenarios

but when i actually start to FEEL its absolutely ridiculous and insane

and SO much.

i try to bring positivity and help anna

and i try to be sure that sentences like this dont happen

but flashbacks hit me hard

the hospital, that week. that first week was insane.

its fucked to say

but i felt like i belonged there. i felt like that could be my home. from the daily vitals,to the little kid that cried in the cornwr, to the creepy ass schizophrenic girl that was my roommate, to jenna, to my freak outs.

i was crazy. but i got to take it out and do it and have people who understood it and tried to help.

geneva ohio. is not a place where i can be okay and myself authentically

i cant even be myself at my fucking work place.

nobody understands shit other than the kids that were there

during our group sessions and even during school i felt like it was okay.

there is just a hole in my head that i can not find anything to fill

im curious about everything and i hve no idea what about

i have questions

so fucking many

and noone wants to hear them

i hate that i cant concentrate

i hate that when i tell my dad im not okay i cant even look him in the eye because all i can picture is coming out of the ambulance and seeing my mom and dad looking at me screaming what hppened

and i have never felt like that in my life.

i cant let go of that. i cant let go of the visual of mallory laying at the edge of my bed before i got sent away to laurelwood looking at me like “fuck dude. you really tried.” she looked sorry for me, but not the kind that people like want. not the kind of compassion

but the scared kind. she looked scared of me. nothing has been the same aince.i want to drown iut my thoughts

and my stupid fucking stutter

and i want to lay in annas arms and cry everything out

but i also want to fucking beat the shit out of someone

and thats not me. im not violent. but i want to like bEAT THE SHIT out of someone. anyone at this point. but whatever

i dont understand how things that are so fucking simple to other people are like fucking complete brain aches for me.

i cant go anywhere alone because i am scared of being physically alone but mentally ive never been more lonely and that scares me.

the story never ends i guess.

i hate how my mind can be spinning in circles and people that say they are there can be right next to me complaining and have no idea i want to jab a knife into my body lol

but then all i would be is a coward if i just ended it all. it would technically be the easy way out and i dont want to be that person. thinking about death doesnt really even scare me anymore, and that thought scares me more than death itself.

in a perfect world i guess everything would be fine

and i would be happy

and never necessarily need to think about things that hurt me or have those little bullets shot at my head with every turn i take.

but thats not reality, and realizing that alone needs

to be a priority that i take.

i probably wont ever live a life without triggers, depression, or anxiety.

and that fucking sucks.

especially because i know that people fake their mental illness just for the attention and they dont have to live with something that prevents them from doing everyday activities or being terrified of little shit

but in my opinion that attention people seek from illness or anything in general is the worst part about it. i hate when people find out about the hospital.

i get embarrassed regardless of how many times people will tell me its okay

like sure its okay. but its not normal. going to a mental institution shouldnt be something everyone does

or everyone knows someone who went. thats just fucked. and i hate that im someone that people will be like “oh emily went to one” or the questions i will get from people are absolutely morbid and NOT their business but i feel obligated to talk about it when people ask. its a fucked up world dude. and sometimes im really fucking sick of living in it.

i just want to be okay again, even if its for a second. just a second of peace and a second of understanding. a fucking break would be nice?

a vacation away with anna and my kitty? if i could get that right now my entire heart would be full. i need two weeks to mentally get myself okay again. but lucky for me that’s not possible, and some may say “welcome to the adult world” and that is such a fucking understatement.

this is never going to be over

and im always going to not be afraid of death and im always going to not know shit about myself and im always not going to treat anyone right and i cant fucking even breathe when im walking yet i still have to work daily. and im so sick of it from beginning to end. and i want my story to fucking end already.

God if you can see this by some small celestial chance you actually give a shit about Earth and its inhabitants fucking help me.

[fairycosmos]

im just wondering do you have any darknesses in you? meaning like parts of you that need to come out and be hateful or angry that scare you? i have such moral insecurities and anxieties i try to be kind but i just feel sometimes some monster in me so i try to let it out in private, but it seems like so many people like u are so certainly unfalteringly good and i cant understand how!!! i wanna be like that!!!! if you dont wanna answer or this is weird i totally understand lol

oh dude..........absolutely. dont make the mistake of thinking i’m like idk.....someone you should want to be like. i know i answer anons asking for advice sometimes, but that’s usually just me suggesting they seek professional support bc i can relate to them. i’m sure the ppl who follow me on here have a very one dimensional image of me as i do in regards to the people i follow, due to the nature of social media. but i can definitely vouch for the fact that i’m a fucked up person and i have a lot to work on, a whole lifetime of shit to work on. while it’s easy to be amicable with people online when they’re giving you that same positive energy, in real life i’m basically too insecure and bitter to be as open and vulnerable as i am on here.  i have internalized so much crap and it comes through in most of my interactions. i’m selfish, i have a million complexes, i’m insecure, i cringe away from everything, i’m emotionally unavailable at the best of times, i’m moody and neglectful. i’m a COMPLETE coward. sometimes i dont think about the shit that i say, i take things for granted. i freeze and avoid avoid avoid to the point of toxicity. i never know where to start or how to conduct myself naturally - to an embarrassing extent for someone who is a whole ass adult. and i’m angry, too. which is a human emotion not a flaw. but people tell me my resting face looks like i want to fkn kill somebody, i dont have a good aura :( there’s a lot of reasons i’m so isolated, i guess. besides all of that though, i also don’t think we as humans can be categorized as ‘entirely good’ or ‘entirely bad’ because most of us carry both inside, always. we’re complex beings made up of shades of grey, rather than of black and white. and the different environments we find ourselves in (usually due to factors outside of our control) tend to bring out different parts of who we are, negative or otherwise. everyone you pass on the street has that same ‘face’ they only wear when they’re alone. we see others in a very shallow way on a day to day basis, so it’s easy to think they’re not holding anything back, but they always are. nobody gets through the world unscathed and having insecurities, especially ones you’ve learned growing up, is completely normal.  the only thing you can do once you recognize that they’re there is try your best to dismantle the toxic mindsets that have been forced upon you, through therapy or self help or even just with time. and it’s alright if that’s a life long process. you’re allowed to be pissed off, you’re allowed to be hurt. it doesn’t make you a monster at all. the whole point is that you are trying to be kind despite it all and that you are working with what you’ve been given. if you were really some evil unimaginable beast, you wouldn’t even be willing to put forth that effort. it’s good that you’re looking inwards and trying every day to be a better person, but sometimes it’s good to take a step back to breathe. don’t over analyze your existence too much love. it all just ends up becoming so convoluted and unclear when you judge yourself for every single trait you’ve ever observed in your behaviour/personality. because growth is constant and you’re experiencing it subconsciously every single day. and then there’s the issue of perception. everyone you meet sees you through their own lens. some will see good, some may see the parts you want to keep hidden. but either way you’re a whole person, and so it’s natural to have sides of you that conflict. you don’t have to be unfalteringly happy and positive all the time. in fact it’s impossible and may be a disservice to your mental well being in the long run. ultimately i think it comes down to this. i PROMISE i wouldn’t be quoting h*rry p*otter in 2020 if i wasn’t moderately sleep deprived but i am so. it’s one of the most famous lines and it applies - “we’ve all got both light and dark inside us. what matters is the part we choose to act on. that’s who we really are.” the son of a bitch was right. and you’re doing far better than you realize, just by prioritizing kindness and trying to extend it every day. you’re a good person because you’re attempting to be, and that’s more than enough :)

[exasperatedmoron]

what do u guys think about a fic that focuses on mental health? barry w ptsd & depression... len w ptsd.. caitlin w ocd... cisco w anxiety... hartley w depression...

cause I've been thinking how much they've actually really been through. And how almost none of then have gone for therapy or something (for those that did... uh well it's more of a couples therapy thing and i-).

len was abused and neglected as a child and as an adult he had to repress his emotions to keep up his criminal persona.

barry's childhood was also rough in a different way. he lost both his parents and everyone thought he was crazy. that, on top of the bullying and probable isolation for being 'that kid' mist have impacted him q a bit. a n d, his life changed in an instant, suddenly he has all this responsibility of being a hero and saving lives. yea, he doesnt mind it because he loves it... but all the people he couldnt save? all the chaos and terror? the mistakes he's made? the betrayal of his mentor? losing his other parent again? having to witness something traumatic time and time again? knowing when you're going to go missing and not being able to do something about it? all the deaths (hr, bette, watching iris die)? plus, non-canon: maybe losing len and thinking he was 100% dead after the oculus? i love Barry as a cinnamon roll full of happiness and all that but woah he's been through a lot (send love pls)

and caitlin... her life's been out of control since she was a kid to the point where she has repressed memories ( the car accident thing w frost ). also, her dad e x p e r i m e n t e d on her... yea. her parents seemed to have a messy 'divorce' and she was lied to and told her father was dead. things were definently not easy as a child and adolescent if she ended up distancing herself from her mother so much that she didnt even work in the same place as her even though it's the same profession and stuff. and post-Barry getting his powers... well she played a part in the particle accelerator explosion, she lost her fiance, she was betrayed by her mentor, people have died infront of her, she's under constant pressure to keep Barry physically healthy, she 'developes' powers, she loses her identity, being kidnapped .... it's like she has no control over so many things that affected her so much. i feel like we can even see how she tries to control as much of what she can (Barry's health w all the tests and stuff, working late alone in a lab doing research etc). i can see how it could develope into ocd/an eating disorder/something that strongly relates to control

and Cisco... neglected as a child and being "outshined" by his brother. Whether the latter actually happened or not, it clearly affected him and that's enough to impact someone's self esteem. He was clearly a geek since he was a child (and yes we love that a out him) but I doubt his childhood went swell w all the things happening at home. he either isolated himself in school or was picked on :( he even mentioned his childhood bullies and his distaste for high school in the show. i can see him as someone who doubts himself and thinks lowly of himself to the point where he questions everything and is anxious when hes overwhelmed.

And Hartley well. We all know about his family situation. Gay, disowned and shunned. Yeah, I can see how this could affect a person. Being happy and having everything u want (not just in monetary terms, it was mentioned somewhere that he came out because he felt happy in life and wanted to finally tell his parents) to suddenly having nothing and no one? The struggles of being homeless on top of the effects of being shunned by his parents is just... unimaginable. Plus, with his sexual orientation being the problem, he probably had the "am I wrong? am i a freak? do i not deserved to be loved? im wrong. why am i like this." type of thoughts going through his head. it even led to him having issues with forming bonds in the future (see: Cisco, caitlin and ronnie. The most was eowells but we know how eo was a manipulator. He even mentioned how he spent months in pain alone while making his hearing aids. He didnt even seek help. He didnt have someone to help him through his suffering).

I mean yea idk just a thought. I've been going through shit recently so mayb I'm just projecting but yea I thought about doing a fic where they're struggling, falling deeper and deeper, seeking help, getting help and support and the aftermath. Idk? It might be very angsty cause I dont think I know anyone who's had a smooth and easy recovery (nonetheless, anyone in the dctv universe).

If I do, i might have a chapter on Julian or Ralph or someone who looks like they're going to spiral or crash but their friends, who've been through shit before and got help, saw the signs and managed to get them help. Cause that's true irl... not everyone has to spiral, crash and burn before they get the help they need. And sometimes, they dont even notice they're about to spiral, but someone on the outside sees the signs

And yea that idk mhm okay bye love yall

[thefeckisthis]

hello darkness my old friend.

well im not quite sure why this title nor what exactly am i going to write about, i just had the need to write. ever had that feeling? no? oh. ok.

its been a while since last post, many things had happened, fun, annoying,stressful, interesting and so on and some may expect sassy posts like first two and thats not going to happen with in this one, sorry not sorry.  ive been feeling the need to write about anxiety, not entirely sure why, just a feeling in me telling me to do so so lets see where it goes.

apologies for spelling mistakes because in these  last couple of sentences ive had so many red lines that makes me think can i even spell -_- (hello brain, you there?)  confidence is a tricky things. you are not born with it, you have to build it up. god knows i had no confidence before and i still struggle with it sometimes, especially with my anxiety - sometimes it can affect it really bad. when anxiety, i want to talk about because i think these kind of things should be talked about.

my anxiety levels are still not alarming but they are at that level when it can definitely affect my daily life, especially on bad days. ive definitely learned how to cope with it, sometimes it cant be helped. i definitely suffer from GAD (general anxiety disorder https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad) with medium to high social anxiety - https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder (which many people don’t believe heh) and ive discovered some unusual phobias that I have also count as anxiety issues (trypophobia,  Emetophobia, fear of knives are some of mine examples) so it can  vary from person to person.

(imagine having all those on almost daily basis, yaaay)

i know, lots of people will say ah everyone is tense and stressed, we all must have anxiety. no, just dont. its not the same. occasional stress is normal, anxiety is completely different. its not easy to be in constant worry phase, being triggered by small things (coffee can easily trigger mini panic attacks, been there done that), small inconveniences, theres so much to it.

another awful part of it is overthinking. that is what used to kill me and mess up relationships i had with people. one small  thing can set you back so much. as ive mentioned, some people learn how to deal with it and some people seek for help, and both of those things are amazing. letting it affect you is not amazing.

talk to someone, youre not alone.

i always tell people to not be afraid to talk to me about their problems, because i do know how it is, i do understand. i had some people who dont understand as much as they think they do and when id open up to them they would say just stop worrying, its ok.

uuuhm like no. thats the whole point. my brain cant stop worrying. thanks for letting me on deepest secrets of the world, appreciated. high chances are that we do actually know that but its sometimes impossible to stop worrying. if i could do that so easily i wouldnt be suffering from anxiety, right? 

do i have panic attack? yes i do. had more before, now it got down to 2-3 in 6 months, so thats around 6 a year. last year i had full blown panic attack, worst that i ever had, my whole body just shut down and i was crying for full on 45mins, not being able to breathe, talk or move. sounds fun, eh?  and lets go back to social anxiety, as ive said people say that i dont seem like an introvert or that i have any struggles with that.

i do tho. i just dont let it be stronger than me. my head and my body in social situations can be in full panic mode but ill be there sitting with smile on my face. there were social gatherings or parties where i would end up sitting on my own, trying to fight tears and the emotions in me would be bubbling and getting worse and my common sense would be trying to fight them, thats why i end up sitting in corner like a weirdo. meting new people? socializing? that doesnt sound fun for me at all, i usually just avoid situations like that. i will talk most of the time and joke and its just because my common sense is trying to fight anxiety while at the same time my anxiety is trying to take over.  i wish i can explain what is going on in my head. 

if you invite me to go somewhere with you, dont leave me. please. thank you.

it has also affected my job, if i get a task im not sure what to do, or im told to just amend something, i just wish to get up and leave until my head gets clear. ive noticed small things i tend to do when i feel that anxiety is getting higher than i want it to be, eg ill start picking at my nails, ill bite my lip till it hurts, just shut down and stare blankly, taking deep breaths, shaking my hands to stop them from shaking (weirdly i think itll shake off my stress), do weird stuff with my hands, or all combined. rare people noticed all the things and actually knew when i was starting to get my anxiety attacks and they were really helpful.

how to help someone if you see them starting to have anxiety attack?

people deal with anxiety different ways, dont just assume one thing will help everyone. - for example hug wont make me calm, im not a fan of human touch in general and hugging me when im having an attack will only make me more stressed and more triggered and itll make everything worse. - dont force the person to talk about it, rather just ask them if they want to talk about it, if they dont, please dont leave them, just sit there in silence that means a world. -if they do want to talk about it, never, and i repeat never say dont worry its nothing or just stop worrying and think happy thoughts. 

- talk with them about it, or let them talk. ask what is the issue, why does it make them feel that way, just try to find solution slowly. - if a person starts crying, let them cry. crying is amazing way to release the tension and it will help the person to feel more at ease - if you do notice early signs of anxiety attack, change the environment, divert the person, make them think of something different

- dont make the person walk or do something they dont want to, it will cause things to go worse, personally ill probably just sit and curl up and cry my eyes out but for the love of god dont touch me or make me walk, my body is just not able and its causing more stress

- after the attack calms down, let person go on with their life, dont talk about it straight after. let them fully calm down. some people (most cases me) will be ‘normal’ after the episode (after my big one i straight away started joking how disgustingly runny my nose was from crying)  and some people will take a bit longer

We are all different in handling the situations. Anxiety like every other disorder is not easy and it has to be taken seriously. If you have it, if you know someone who has it, please talk to those people. Be supportive. Dont make them feel like there is something wrong with them. Small conversation and an ear to listen can go a long way.

be a friend and be a human.

[lifeasabpdmum-blog]

Borderline Personality Disorder, Is commonly the most misunderstood illness. 

I think, If you asked my friends what BPD was, they probably would not have a damn clue.  As I am writing this right now, I am Manic. Which i dont often encounter, well I get happy but, Manic? not as often. When i am Manic, I am unstoppable. Something that comes with having borderline Personality Disorder is attachment. We become attached so heavily to people, that we can spend all day thinking about this person, We want to be around them all the time, Attachment is very hard, Usually we become attached to figures that look after us, a care giving, or a position of authority. example Teachers, Doctors, Therapists. Your days can revolve around them,  And you can wait all day to speak to them, And if they have the slightest change in tone, It can ruin your whole day, Because you feel like they hate you. 

I’ll use when I was in the psych ward for example, I got so attached to one of the woman in the ward with me, I called her my psych unit mum, We got so close and would spend hours chatting and just spending time together, Before I got the privilege to have the rights to go outside for a cigarette, When she would go outside for a cigarette, I would become absolutely distraught, I just could not cope, without her while she as outside. 

a few days later I was granted the rights to go outside and have a smoke with her, I was over the moon. The day after I was able to go outside and smoke with her, The hospital released her, I was an absolute wreck I locked myself in my bedroom, And refused to come out for hours I just lied in my bed and cried, I have not seen her since she left, And even though I thought I could just die without her, by the next day I had calmed down and was okay again, Yes, sure I missed her, but I didn't feel like I would die without her anymore. 

Often having BPD is like watching someone else destroy your life! 

Okay so let me start this off by how I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.. 

I was in a little psych unit called the Mother Baby Unit, Which is a unit where you go when you have Post Natal Depression, I was there for 2 or 3 weeks, and progressively got worse over my stay there, by the end I was threatening to run out in front of a truck, It was an unlocked ward so potentially i could have done that, But the nurses would not let me leave. So because they would not let me leave I locked myself in the bathroom I did not really know what I was going to do, But I knew I wanted to die, I said to them that if they would not let me go home, the only way I would be leaving was in a pine box, They took all my belongings and hid them, They monitored me for a few hours, But it felt like forever. 

They got the Head of the Psych unit and a security guard, to escort me to the adult psych ward, where for the first night I had a nurse by my side every second because I was on suicide watch. Once I saw the Therapist and he said changed me from involuntary to voluntary, I was taken off suicide watch, However, I still was not allowed to go for a cigarette. Anyway I was in there for 3 weeks, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. And put on Seroquel. 

So many people hate this drug, But It saved my life. I took it and by that week I went from extremely depressed to the most Manic I have ever been. 

But in saying that Since I started taking it I dont know, Whats me or whats the drug.  

I feel like sometimes It is so hard to parent because My son, doesn't understand why my emotions are so excessive  and they change quickly, Sometimes he thinks hes a bad child because my illness gets the better of me, Which is untrue, he is an amazing kid, Having this illness I think has ruined me being a great mother. Because of my emotions. 

I feel like most days are hard because I feel to overwhelmed with life that, I can’t take my son to the park, Because out doors are scary. So we sit inside all day watching kids shows or movies.  And although watching kids movies is fun, thats no way to live daily.

Days get hard. And I’m trying to take my son out and go for play dates. And push through my anxieties. So I guess parenting with borderline personality disorder would be the hardest thing I ever have done in my life. I wouldn’t change it for the life of me though. Because yes it’s hard, yes it’s a struggle, but I am who I am because of it!

“Borderline personality disorder is a type of personality disorder. Symptoms of BPD include not having a sense of who you are, worrying about abandonment, quick mood changes and feeling very intense emotions.”

“Borderline personality disorder, also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder, is a serious mental illness that causes the inability to manage emotions effectively.

The disorder makes a person experience very intense emotions, and can affect relationships.”

I can’t cope with a lot of things that I want to be able to cope with.

As he is quite little it’s hard to explain whats happening in ways he can understand. When I started this blog, I was extremely manic, as I write this part now I’m extremely low and suicidal.

I want to be a good parent, i want to go seek medical help, increase my meds or something, are there such things as BPD parenting classes? Because I feel like I need a lesson in parenting. I thought writing this blog post would be easy, but it hasn’t been, because parenting with BPD is hard and I don’t know how to put it into words. I really hope my son knows that behind mummy’s “scary” that I’m trying to do absolutely everything to be as normal I can be for him.

I have a few triggers. That probably would make things easier if I learnt to stay away from. Which I’m trying to do, I’m scared to leave the house, when I try to do that, I get so scared and want to hide. I don’t want to teach my son that outside is a scary place. I have ordered a book online that goes through worksheets to do for people with borderline personality disorder. Which I hope will help.

If anyone has any tips on how to parent please add some tips cause this is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.. and I’m scared

[softforcal]

hiii

hello! these types of questions are great don’t worry! everyones different but yeah, let me tell you about my writing process :) (this is a long ass writing rant and hopefully it’s helpful)

so for headcanons tbh, i just write them. like. i sit down and write it all in one go and tbh not much thought goes into them there isnt really a plot it’s just notes practically so headcanons for me are not difficult at all. fics/oneshots are where things actually heat up.

so for my fics i do note form outlines. what this means is i have all the major things that have to happen already lined out. i put it on a word doc on half my screen and the fic on the other and there’s no plan on how to get to each note point but i know i have to get there somehow, but having basic goals makes it easier for me.

when it comes to fics there’s usually a brainstorming process. i have two wonderful amazing loves of my absolute life @hereforlukescruff and @glitterprincelu and usually it will start with me saying an idea and we all just kind of start shooting ideas and bouncing off of each other. this process can take hours. like. i remember when i came up with gang luke (penumbra) i was in class and we ended up chatting about it for 3 hours and coming up with shit. when the main brainstorm is done i plot it all out. i have a few ocd tendencies, one of which is linear stuff means a lot to me. like i can’t start a fic at the end. i need to start at the start. so i’ll plan as much as i can but sometimes i stop at the middle and i re-evaluate once i get there and have a better sense as to where the story is going.

for me, characters are huge. like. i have the plot points but characters drive everything else. so i’ll often have a sit down and reevaluate what has happened to them and how they’re feeling and see if it’s all making sense for them, but, because i brainstorm a lot, usually i don’t end up changing much. strong characters are key my dudes. 

my biggest motivator to get to the end of the story is well, the characters. i love them so much and writing for them feels so comforting to me. LOVE YOUR CHARACTERS. but also. something ya’ll gotta understand about me is that i’ve been writing fan fiction for 8 years. i’ve probably spent an average of 2 hours a day (and that’s seriously low balling it) so thats 2x365=730x8=5840 hours that i’ve written and that’s probably too low to be accurate. so i’m a writer. i type fast as fuck and i’ve been doing this a while so writing comes very easy to me, ideas are constantly flowing. this is legit what im pursuing as a job so don’t be discouraged if you can’t write 10k in a day like I do because... well, i’ve had a fuck ton of practice. writing 10k in a day is pretty common for me i’d say, once i sit down with a oneshot i don’t want to leave until it’s done.

but. i also again, have a bit of an ocd thing and when it’s paired with anxiety, it makes it hard for me to stop. i need to get things done. to check stuff off my list. or i get bored. if i leave a fic for even a day or two, it’s likely i’m not gonna finish it. so for me, and i know this, its important to wait until i have a sufficient amount of time to bust something out and a plan makes it so easy because i don’t have to stop and ask myself “okay now what”

what more can i say about writing.... uh... characters. so important. dialogue. key. 

like i’ll start a fic with a general idea about an OC but as the fic continues they grow and i really enjoy watching them grow. i think a good rule of thumb if you’re having troubles with this is immerse the story view point in the most solid character you have (i’ll give an example of this in a moment) and use their perspective and musings on a different character, like what they notice, to promote growth.

example of what i mean when i say this. i recently wrote prince cal and from the start, he was my strong character. Ostara was new, she’s ashton’s sister, she’s back for the first time in a while. the very first paragraph establishes that calum is taken aback by how much she’s changed. there’s still some similarities to how she was growing up and i weave that comfort of the known throughout the story (with things like chicken fights in the pool or musing about how they used to play hide and seek as kids) but from the start, Calum is knocked off his feet by how beautiful she’s gotten and that’s a very obvious symbol of change, not just outside but in. so as the fic continues calum notices things about ostara. for example. the second time i wrote she was wearing a print of some sort, calum and i both mutually realized, ‘huh. she likes prints i guess.’ because ostara is ostara, i dont control her, in my brain she’s her own person, she’s dictating whats happening and baby just likes prints. and calum notices which says something about him, but its also little details like that that bring these characters to life. 

i mean. i don’t know how other people write characters. my characters are always alive to me. they have their own voice and knowing their reaction to things is second nature to me. but this can be attributed to the fact that i legit wrote fan fiction about actual characters (MCU, TVD, Teen Wolf, etc...) for 6 years and being able to step into those characters and do dialogue that seemed legit was the most important thing for me. so i have a FUCK TON of experience on characters. so once again, if its hard for you to step into your characters thats okay. maybe do those things where you have a fill in the blank sheet on whats their fav food, their fav colour, do they like summer or winter? etc....

i think there isnt one way to write. i think i’m blessed that i’ve ALWAYS been a writer. since i was like 4. you know in elementary when they made you write and they’d give you those little booklets and shit? other kids had like one or two at most but this whore was always on book number 6 or 7 like, im a writer. it’s what i am. it always has been what i am. 

im also a multitasker. so most of my writing is done while watching shows. which means its a double whammy for me. like. im learning about characters and plot WHILE writing so... as you can see, i’m hard core as fuck about this shit. 

my point is. my process is a process that i think is pretty particular to me. most people i know cant watch tv and write at the same time. most people don’t sit down and bust out 10k in one sitting. and thats fine. if you enjoy writing then do it. focus on what you can be doing better, this isnt a competition. at the end of the day, the only person you should be trying to be better than is the person you were yesterday, or last week, you know?

find people who are creatively inclined because holy shit it makes a huge difference. bouncing ideas off of supportive people is really important. without my friends, Birdie in Penumbra might be named Cherry, the Gang AU wouldn’t have an ending all planned out and ready to be written, and i would have missed out on so many hours of face time calls and back and fourth messages with two of the most important people in my life right now. 

so lets break down what the fuck i’m even saying

-find supportive people (but it’s important you support them as well. if they’re gonna let you throw ideas at them and help you out and pump you up, reciprocate hoe)

-focus on yourself 

-find what you’re good at. plots? characters? dialogue?

-find ways to strengthen the things you’re not so good at (character fill in sheets, plot planning, etc...)

-find what, at the end of the day, really works for you

-don’t put pressure on yourself. writing is for fun. it should be fun. and if it is fun, i think motivation will come easy? but i could be wrong, once again, i have an addictive personality and writing is a fix i need every day or i go insane. 

yeah. if ya’ll have any more writing questions let me know. i love answering these because i think it’s so interesting to really look at the process :) 

[dog-teeth]

hey do you have any experience with this? im kind of terrified of sleeping because after you fall asleep its ever total darkness or a strange illusion (dreams) and the thought of that is very scary to me

i understand a bit! i used to get bad nightmares and still do so ive been afraid to sleep before.

i think there are two things you can do here, change your perspective and change the way you feel before bed.

first, changing your perspective on sleep. instead of being afraid of the darkness, try finding comfort in it. after all, its the same void that we all emerged from and will someday return to. it will never hurt you. void is not some strange foreign place, it is the other side of the coin of existence. without the void there is no universe, no world. both are equally important and neither one will harm you. the darkness is as much your home as the light. think of going into that darkness as returning home instead of going someplace new. since we dont understand that darkness very well it is easy to be afraid, but it is a gentle darkness, the mother of all things, where we are before and after our lives on earth. being in the darkness is a scary thought but the actual feeling of it isnt scary, it is natural and comforting.

this goes for dreams as well. dreams are not strange illusions, they do not come from some external place to torment you in a state you arent in control of. they come from your subconscious. everything you dream was already inside of you. dreams are the main way your subconscious communicates with your conscious mind. seeking to connect with and understand your dreams can be very useful for understanding yourself and your situations in life. your subconscious is way more connected to your spirit/soul than your conscious mind is. you may think that your mind (the little voice in your head) is who you are, but really it is just a small facet of your being and is very superficial. your subconscious has incredible power and most of us are disconnected from it (We Live In A Society) and one of the best ways to connect with it is through dreams. its scary to dream because we arent in control of dreams. try to let the dreams take you where they want to go because they will show you something you might not know otherwise. 

i rarely have good dreams. like, never. ill have a “good” dream and wake up sad or ill have a bad/stressful dream and wake up relieved(or anxious). so i totally get being afraid of sleep. so i have some tips to get more comfortable with sleep in general!

1. keep a journal. i suggest writing down your dreams as often as possible but also just keeping track of your thoughts and letting out your worries can be very very helpful for connecting to your subconscious. people tend to have stranger dreams when they are disconnected from their subconscious so if you dont like having wild dreams, i highly recommend journaling to release some thoughts and get in touch with yourself more.

i find that i have worse sleep and worse dreams when i go to bed anxious. what i do to combat this is write a spill page in my journal. a spill page is a page or two or however many you want where you write CONSTANTLY for at least ~5 minutes. dont stop to think about what youre saying, just write write write. if you get stuck write exactly what youre thinking. this includes “uhhh i dont know what else to say” keep it totally stream-of-consciousness, just writing whatevers on your mind until its all spilled out. then after i finish that i go to

2. meditating before bed! i always do psychic shielding before bed because it makes me feel protected and safe. however even without doing psychic work meditation is very helpful for sleep. meditating is difficult for me sometimes (adhd bitch!) because focusing is difficult and tuning out the voice in your head takes lots of practice, so i light a candle and focus on it while i keep track my breathing. fire really calms me, but there may be something that works better for you like water or earth(rocks and crystals or soil and plants) connecting with the elements makes me feel more connected to the world as a whole which makes me feel less anxious, and less anxiety makes for better sleep!

3. surround yourself with things that make you feel happy and protected. for me this is a fuzzy blanket, stuffed animals, and crystals. dont worry about sleep, just focus on relaxing and being comfy. sleep will come naturally.

dont worry, sleep is natural, it will come to you and there is no reason to be afraid