#and I hate that whenever I come home i have to split my time between mom and dad

[murobrown]

.

[kashverse]

Please nanami hurt/comfort I'm on my knees🙇‍♀️

the high priestess of the kashverse is incapable of writing angst, you must understand. i still hope you like this though :)

sometimes, you didn’t like how nanami worked himself to the bone. it wasn’t that he resented it—on the contrary, he did it so effortlessly, like it was just part of his existence. cleaning, cooking, making sure yuuji was entertained, doing all the little things that made a house a home. it was admirable, but also exhausting to witness. and whenever you tried to help, he hesitated.

just a split-second pause before he handed you a knife, before he let you fold the laundry, before he let you take something off his plate. it was like he had to fight some deeply ingrained instinct that told him he had to do it all alone. which made you wonder—what were you here for, then? to come home, play with yuuji, and sleep beside him every night? to be a guest in your own marriage? you hated feeling that way. hated the way it simmered inside you, quiet and bitter, whenever you reached for a chore and he gently but firmly redirected you away.

so tonight, you didn’t ask. you just sat down beside him at the kitchen table, took a pod from the basket, and started peeling peas. for a moment, nanami didn’t say anything. he only glanced at you from the corner of his eye, watching as you carefully split open the shell and thumbed out the little green pearls.

"you don’t have to," he murmured after a beat, fingers still working rhythmically, effortlessly. "i know," you said, plucking another pod from the pile. "but i want to."

he sighed—not in annoyance, but something closer to surrender. it was quiet work, the kind that slowed the world down, the kind that didn’t require thinking. and yet, his brows were furrowed, his mouth pressed into that familiar, pensive line.

then, without looking at you—"i’m sorry."

you glanced up, fingers still absently working the peas. "for what?"

"for not letting you help." he exhaled softly, shaking his head. “i don’t—it's not that i don’t think you’re capable. it’s just… easier, sometimes, to do things myself. to have them done a certain way.” you smiled a little. “you mean the right way.” nanami huffed a quiet, amused breath through his nose. "maybe."

"you’re kind of a control freak, you know that?"

"i do."

and yet, despite his usual insistence on perfection, his pace slowed just a little, like he was finally allowing himself to share the weight of the work. silence stretched between you again, but this time, it was comfortable.

and then—"yuuji tried to eat a rock today."

you blinked. "what."

nanami nodded gravely. “he was very confident about it. told me it looked like one of my cookies.” you snorted, shoulders shaking with barely-contained laughter. "which ones?"

"the oatmeal ones."

that did it—you burst into laughter, head tipping back, and nanami tried to hold back his own smile but failed spectacularly, shaking his head in exasperation.

"i swear, he’s going to give me a heart attack before i turn forty."

you giggled, nudging your knee against his under the table. "but he’s cute."

"debatable."

you both fell into an easy rhythm again, peeling peas in quiet companionship, the weight in your chest finally easing. because nanami wasn’t perfect. he messed up. he held on too tight sometimes, carried too much, forgot how to share the load. but he was learning, and that was enough.

[gooperts-gunk]

post-qsmp q!bbh's story so far...

back to back we have had new q!bbh story pieces, on mythcraft with lilithluvsya and as mr. x on arkanis, so im going to write down all of my own notes of what we have learned so far + my crazed theory talk :) this will be long!!! note: this is from the perspective of someone who doesn't know mythcraft lore and the only arkanis lore i know is from what i pick up in passing lol. i will do my best!!

starting with the halloween special on mythcraft with lilith and rurus in which bbh helps lilith solve a puzzle that leads to her finding and adopting a new child, we get to see an actual bbh summoning!! im unsure if the treats are a necessary offering or just a kind gesture, but the soulfire-esque flames or wisps seem to be a very specific detail...

the chant lilith says is "hear these words, hear my cry, spirit from the other side! come to me, i summon thee, cross now the great divide!" implying that if he's summoned, chances are, he was in the underworld or somewhere else. later on during technical difficulties, lilith mentions that "i don't even know the state of his soul at the moment! because usually whenever i summon a chant through those words," she repeats it, "his soul just acted a bit... weird! he usually doesn't act like that whenever i summon him. usually, the magic feels a bit more smooth, and it was very choppy this time. his soul just felt different from the last time i saw him. i can't put my finger on it." it's hard to say what exactly this means, (i've seen some people think it's about how he died with a split soul, he never got the other half back from purgatory as far as we know...) as we've never seen him be summoned before, but in this case, he just showed up on the chest crying out a confused "HELLO...?" but later on says "i could sense something was off, that's why im here." with his trickster confidence. he also mentions he's "been around, doing my thing. im very busy," and no concrete answer is ever stated. another detail is that halloween is said by lilith to be "the veils between our world meet once a year," meaning as far as we know he can only be summoned on halloween.

when he accepts the treats and attempts to leave he says "im trying to get back home!" a place of residence for q!bbh is implied, whether or not it's one we know of or even if it's an actual house is uncertain. when bad comes across a haunted house he says "oh my gosh! i had a house like this once, only it was red." which might cross out the place of residence being on the island. might, considering the house was later changed because most people hated the red lol. when bad is downed from fall damage lilith comments "why are you so fragile?! you're not usually, like, this breakable." bbh says "oh, as soon as i die, i get to go back home, so..." since we know how !bbh deaths work, (he can only perma-die once from a unique death, e.g. the combination of soul vulture infection and nuke radiation slowly ate away until perma-killing that version of himself, which means it was an entirely unique instance of death. so it's safe to assume that ever since he had fallen, he would have perma-died from simple things like starvation, but then can no longer perma-die from it again, with a possible exception of if it's starvation along with something else at the same time) we know that him dying wouldn't be enough to bring him 'back home' if it's implied to be the underworld or the mind desert, therefore, it would mean that if he dies during a summoning that the connection is immediately broken and he's back to wherever he was at the time. he's sometimes even excited whenever he gets downed, even saying "take me! take me home!" either because 1. he just really wants to get home for some reason or 2. he just really doesn't want to work for lilith.

but, we know he doesn't HAVE to work for lilith, because lilith states at the end after he's left to fellow mythcraft member nex that, "you know how im a witch? ... WELL... a long, LONG time ago... i made a mistake with my magic and i MIGHT have summoned a greater demon who turned out to be a TRICKSTER demon instead and KINDA reversed the contract on me and NOW im stuck with him until i die and i have to do his bidding whenever he comes around, but only whenever i create the first kind of contract for him to flip around. and he kind of... is around, and changes rurus a lot, and i have to work to make sure that rurus can transform back into a human one day because they're stuck in their bunny form..." which is a LOT to digest and she said it all in like two breaths lol. so in reality lilith is stuck with bad, not bad being stuck with lilith, and bad could peace out whenever he wanted because it's trickster demon rules and on top of that he can also transform humans into bunnies??!!

going back to where my previous notes were, when they arrive at rurus' house and bad seeing a painting of himself with 5 cracked eggs around him, he exclaims, "what the fudge is that?! THAT'S CRAZY!! who's the monster who made this??" meanwhile lilith is oblivious to whatever this means. he also steals the painting. rurus shows up! (rurus says he smells like sulfur, which is definitely the 'demon smell' ak!bagi mentions once she has a moment to speak with him after the chaos) rurus mentions making the painting and it was likely a gag that bad wasn't supposed to see during the lore stream but it's there now LOL and bad repeats the same horror to them as they're oblivious too, "it's you blowing up the moon! all the moons that you've blown up?" "oh, yeah, im sure it's blowing up the moon!!" he says in angry sarcasm, and then sobs a little. "i had eggs once..." both lilith and rurus inquire, and lilith is the one to say "you became a father?" in myth!lilith's defense, the residents have a lot of adorable baby creatures they care for and might sooner assume the eggs in question are cute creatures LOL "well i just said i had eggs, so..." "oh, you hatched them?" "ohhh he HAD eggs- lawren, he- he hit menopause, he said something about that..." I HEEHEE'D. idc if it's just a goof and not entirely canon im keeping it in here.

later on, when the trio complete the puzzles and find a well-decorated baby ghost named willow inside a willow tree, bbh's behavior to willow is very endearing and also straight-forward, casually offering some steak that he stole from rurus' house. he finds the way out of the tree for them by hearing a raccoon's chitter, and lilith comments "you're really good at talking to raccoons for some reason..." and rurus pokes further with "did you have a special relationship with a raccoon?" "yeah i- i speak raccoon." this of course is brought up from the perspective of both of them knowing his lore out of character and wanting to poke fun, but it's also a fun coincidence that it was a raccoon, as raccoons are very special to pomme. it starts storming, and rurus tells bad to give willow his hood but alternatively gives willow his soul lantern instead since his hood is a "...non-removable item...".

when they bring willow back to lilith's house, he continues stealing like he has been since he was summoned, but this time he takes a cookie from a cookie jar and passes one to willow before taking one for himself. when willow thanks him and says she loves cookies, he gives her another and says "you can never have too many cookies!" which would immediately make you think of his kids and their cookies, dapper especially as they're a total cookie fiend. as willow settles in he teaches willow the first and only lesson he's given to her so far: "whenever someone invites you into their home, you get to take whatever you want!!" he goes upstairs and shows himself and willow around lilith's house, rurus mentions a gaming chair, of which was a toilet. bad takes it and says, "i know someone who would love this!" which of course would be richas' gaming set-up that had a toilet for a chair because of a prank, if i remember correctly.

bad asks where his room is, making an assumption that his summoning meant he was going to move in. when lilith says he could stay at rurus', REALLY not wanting him here, he says "i can't have a room at both??" like the greedy little man he is. <3 willow is then shown her own room, where bad then proceeds to place the furniture he stole from lilith into the room for her.

the birth certificate is revealed! willow is lilith's daughter, and bbh is her guardian demon. (many were unsure if he was a parent to willow but lilith clarified on twitter that he's a guardian demon that will show up from time to time) rurus inquires if HE scribbled his name there, and he says "no, no! that's crazy. that'd be ridiculous." in a bit of a liar voice.

when he accidentally picks up willow's sign, he courteously says "im sorry," and gives it back, prompting rurus to tell lilith she could just ask and he'd give her stuff back. when she does in a cutesy way, he dodges it entirely by saying "no hablo inglés" and when lilith demands for the furniture in spanish, he says "i don't speak spanish". i wouldn't call it entirely parental as willow's not his kid, but as you can tell bbh has shown far more care and respect to this child he just met than his contractors. the trickster has priorities!

they tuck willow into bed, and bbh falls asleep standing up, when lilith starts shoving him saying it's time to get him to bed, he wakes up suddenly, yelling "night terrors!! night terrors!!" we know he's gone long periods of time without sleeping, but he's having night terrors when he does...

bbh has technical issues, and during that time, rurus and lilith have a back and forth about him and their contract which is summarized in the bout with nex above. rurus says "you know, i used to be able to swear before i knew him, and now i can't." "huh! that's a weird incantation." this itself is likely a joke about their out of character friendship, but they come up with the idea that he might have a literal swear jar that he puts people's swears in, never to be said again lol.

lilith decides to keep the portal open as bad loses summoning connection to their world (aka technical difficulties) so he can visit whenever he likes to be a guardian demon for willow.

this wraps up the mythcraft section of new q!bbh pieces! onto arkanis!

a lot of people were unsure if mr. x would be q!bbh, but it becomes VERY clear based on how he acts with familiar faces, and some late night conversations...

not much to note when bad / mr. x greets fit, but there's a very silly familiarity when he says he'd like to take fit out to brunch right before talking about torturing him... yeah sure man why not O_O when fit asks if he's considered being GOOD and not murdering people, bad says "i considered it, but my therapist says i should embrace my hobbies. im trying to listen to my therapist more." so he at least had a therapist in recent times to tell him this, because on quesadilla island when asked about therapy, he mentioned something along the lines of that he tried therapy once, but he'd get chased out of town by people with pitchforks.

to briefly dissect the cutscene, from what i've learned, bad floating is a sign that he's powerful in valigma! only people with magic in valigma can float, examples being araldo when we get to see him later, and also bia raux who is also brought up to bad when telling him the current lore after the event. also. the manor. the banquet. i love you builders, it's so eggpire-coded. that man can't escape the aesthetic of red vines even if c!bbh tried LOL and another fun detail, he has ghosties/souls bursting around him! it's become integral to his character :)

when mr. x encounters the brazilians and his escaped captive fit, all the fantasminhas float around him! it's super cute that the grim reaper got little ghost sidekicks, and then doesn't even recognize that they're ghosts <3 he mostly called denix a gremlin or goblin, but that's because out of character he DEFINITELY knew who the admin was, that's why he bullied them so much and not the others lol.

even though he's having fun annoying everyone as mr x., bad still takes moments for the little ghosts, like spam crouching with amora when she creeps up to him, him and denix bonding by killing a penguin?? and playing songs on the flute and they all surround him and dance. :)

when the find the button room starts, and bad does his npc voice, bagi immediately starts yelling, knowing the "you got this! you can do it!" all too well, and bad keeps saying it in recognition. while it was already true that ak!bagi is a continuation of q!bagi, this interaction itself can be enough to assume that mr. x is q!bbh if he remembers it like she does. when it's revealed it's a find the button room, she's even MORE distressed, "are you responsible for this? please- please tell me you don't..." "i would never!" he says like a liar, and then maniacally laughs. bagi also frequently calls him "bad" and not mr. x unlike mostly everyone else, seeing through the silly alias.

one interesting detail is how hungry mr. x is for totems!! every once in a while he'll mention how he wants more totems popped, in the valigma cemetary / cemetario do valigma, he asks quel for how many totems they have, when they say a hundred, he says "passa tudo!" and drops mobs on them. he really wants totems for some reason!! does he absorb something from it or did he just really hate foolish that day? lol

once the event is over, bad and bagi get to talk! bad becomes uncle to amora, bagi's daughter. amora is immediately very sweet to bad! bagi catches bad up on what's going on in valigma, telling him about araldo and bia, and bagi thinks because he's a demon that he could help the specialists understand and handle the magic themselves, "you see those pink blocks glowing that way? they're like some of the magic powers that this land has, but we can't just touch it and start doing magic all the way through the town. so, basically, there's powers everywhere that we don't know how to use and those two entities fighting each other, they use different kinds of power. so maybe you, being a demon and stuff... maybe you can teach us how to handle this." which, upon mention of him being a demon, he deflects by admiring a streetlamp. bad didn't act this way with lilith and rurus because they were already aware he was a demon since they summoned him, but he never confirmed anything to bagi other than the vague vastness of his age and his immortality, if i remember correctly. which is more than he's confirmed to other people!

bad points out bagi's smoking, "you've taken up smoking, im guessing it's been really hard?" "yeah! yeah, no, that was because, the things i lived before, you know..." "yeah i understand..." "it caused me a lot of trouble." if im correct in assuming this is about the island and losing the kids... :( which bad then segues into asking if there's an ikea. LOL

when jvnq starts taking bad to pac's house to steal furniture, he says "oh wow! you guys are all nice and close together, i like this. yeah, i hate having to walk really far." knowing that q!bbh tried really hard to get people to live close by to him when he was dying so someone would take care of his kids recontextualizes this as living far away being a regret he still holds </3 (not to mention, cc!bad himself regrets building his bases so far away)

when pac says he'll give bad more muffins and furniture if he teaches him how to fly and such, bad deflects by saying "yeah! it's easy, you just got to... you got a- you got a nice view!" and looking at the black hole outside his house.

later on, when bad gets transported by araldo, they seem to get along nicely and araldo wants him to do MORE chaos at some point, which i believe is worrisome if it's true that araldo is the problem in the fight between araldo and bia raux... but also very fitting for him. meanwhile, sent back to his friends, he has only good things to say about him, and also inserted some of his silly lies. the entire interaction feels reminiscent of the times he'd talk about the 'eyeball guy with the snatched waist' aka the watcher, or even cucurucho to a certain degree LOL

when gabe takes bad to space, bad comments that it's a first for him! "the moon is just like i imagined it'd be..." congrats !bbh for having your first moon experience, at least, as far as you can remember!

meanwhile, transported to the mr. x manor, bad gives a dizzying tour to gabe, denix, and amora! he introduces the skeppy room when asked about his bedroom, mentioning he doesn't really need to sleep, and he instead meditates on top of the skeppy. (someone PLEASE feed this man dapper's special cake recipe) he also introduces his chair and i have no doubt that people have shown a comparison of his chair here vs. his chair in the hall of grim but i'll put it here anyways lol. he's also very consistent because the vod i went to to get a screenshot of his hall of grim chair is the near exact same "and this is my chair..." when he introduces it.

when bad, gabe, denix and amora are in the maze that the experts + fit went through to get to the cemetary, they stop at a corner to chat and gabe asks bad "changing the subject a little, if you had a son now what would his name be?" (possibly more gender neutral than the translator says, which is how bad interprets it,) this likely was on the mind because a bit earlier while exploring the manor, denix asked him to give him a second name or middle name and bad hadn't answered. bad stops to think about it, before prefacing "well, i- i've had kids over the years, a couple, but you're saying if i got a new kid, right? what would i name... him... probably... how do you say 'gremlin' in portuguese?" it's the same, but alternatively gabe offers "duende." meaning denix's second name is probably duende now LOL but more importantly, for the first time, at least directly tonight, q!bbh was reminded of his children. gabe contextualizes why he asked, "it's because in this city... anything can happen, you understand? one day you're single, and sad, and the next you have a family." "no, that's true... yeah. i- i understand what it's like, one day you just wake up and you got kids, i totally get it... and then everybody dies, and you're left alone." OOGH. EEYOWCH. we don't know for certain how long q!bbh has been living after escaping quesadilla island, or if even in the end cc!bad is planning that he escapes at all, he might still be bound to it. but however long it's been, he's been carrying onto the weight of everyone disappearing, with only strange creatures (the bunnies, the penguins, cucurucho...) to keep him company once everyone is gone. gabe inquires about if his family died, and he covers up with "oh, no, im just saying that's the inevitable. that's what happens, sorry." ...top 10 sentences that are more depressing when contextualized by an immortal demon with a heart too big for people to comprehend... :( something that bad misses here is denix asking if he wants to adopt amora, but this comes back around!

transported again, while gabe walks bad towards the boat the experts arrived on, he says "valigma keeps many mysteries and lots of trouble, right? fights, in this case many fights, problems, death, pain, suffering, and then we decide to have a child despite all these problems; how can this be, right? it's a weak point." bad says "yeah, love tends to lead to lots of problems..." which would be specifically commenting on taking care of children. and from the perspective of his current situation, being without them... yowch. :( then bad falls into a ravine, shoved by denix, and amora saves him. :) but when he fell he purposefully avoided landing in the water. :(

later on they go to the leaderboard! there amora offers that bad can adopt her for a while, since she's "kinda an orphan" based on the activity of her parents other than bagi, and he accepts :) though knowing he literally can't be active either lol. from then on, amora calls bad "dad" for the rest of the night, and "pai bad" the next day when talking with some of the experts :)

some more fun stops later, they pause in the gallery as gabe explains more of the araldo and bia beef, to which bad says once more to "wine and dine" araldo... if u want it done right, do it urself, geez... chat, beat this guy up for me... he has a weakness for guys with power... another moment in this stop to goof around, bad says "yeah, im really good at cooking... people. meals." which is normal q!bbh and the least surprising thing he's said or done all night.

the night slowly comes to a close, after running into guaxi for a small reunion, he says goodbye with a bang when denix kills him and he logs out. they then contain mr. x's corpse in a box of glass, preserved for memories <3

if this is what post-qsmp has been like for q!bbh so far, IM SO EXCITED FOR MORE!!! and yes i HAVE spent at least 5 hours writing notes as i vod review!!! q!bbh on arkanis felt a lot like a classic day on qsmp with his character plus some pain and suffering, and q!bbh on mythcraft gave us some extra lore bits to think about!!! very very fun, im sooo excited for whatever ending cc!bad has been wanting to make for q!bbh, because if it means he's still kicking it going around to other worlds, all of his pain in tow, IM SO READY!!! thank you if you went through everything here it was a doozy and mostly for yelling about with other people since i haven't been on tumblr for a while and i miss the screams from here. :)

[shoopsthereitis]

jegulus | 1.3k | hockey player x figure skater |

Regulus walks into the rink, skates in hand, bag slung over his shoulder ready to practice. Finals are fast approaching, and he needs to perfect a few of his more difficult moves. It’s late, and he knows the rink is usually empty at this hour, especially since the hockey team doesn’t practice on Tuesdays.

He’s looking forward to the quiet solitude, the chance to focus without distractions. But as he steps inside, the unmistakable sound of skates gliding over ice and the sharp slap of a puck hits his ears. Regulus groans internally, rolling his eyes as he approaches, less than excited to see who he’s going to have to kick off the ice tonight.

Potter.

He should have fucking known. Dropping his bag with a loud thud Regulus walks to the edge of the rink, eyes trained on the familiar body gliding around the ice. James skates like the ice is a natural extension of his body. Effortless, smooth, and fast. He’s bloody fit, and Regulus absolutely hates him for it. Hates how easy he makes it look, how James glides in perfect circles, tracking the puck with precision, then seamlessly sending it into the goal. 

Regulus has despised hockey players his entire life. Always fighting for ice time, even back when he was a teenager in his hometown. He thought things might be different at University, but it turns out hockey players are just as insufferable here as they were back home. And James? He’s the worst. Because he’s nice. Regulus can’t stand how genuinely kind James is, as if being captain of the University hockey team somehow makes his niceness even more unbearable. But Regulus isn’t buying it. Refuses to buy it no matter how many interactions he and James have proving otherwise. He’s not sure how someone could be so consistently kind, especially someone with so much power and ego wrapped up in their position. 

“Oi! Potter!” Regulus calls from the side of the ice. James whips his head, hazel eyes piercing directly into Regulus’ as a sly smile fits his face. He skates over nonchalantly, coming right up to where Regulus stands, only the boards between them.

“Black, what are you doing here?” James takes off his gloves and helmet.

“Well, I came to practice, seeing as there’s a competition coming up and there’s usually no one here this late. Why am I not surprised to run into you though? You always seem to just be here whenever I don’t want you around. Which, now that I think of it, is always. Like a gnat.”

James grins, “Well, I have a big game this weekend, so I wanted to practice a few drills on my own. Plus, it’s not like we signed up for the ice, so it really is free reign, you know?” He says, leaning against the boards and into Regulus’ space. 

“Okay, but I need the ice now. You’ve had your time, now go.” Regulus waves his hand out in a shooing motion and James responds by laughing. Laughing.

Instantly the heat of annoyance extends through Regulus’ entire body.

“I’ve got an idea,” James says with a grin. “What if we shared? I take one half, and you take the other?”

Regulus rolls his eyes. “Over my dead body am I sharing the ice with you.”

“Well, write me an obituary then, because I’m not leaving. I have every right to be here, same as you.”

Regulus huffs. “I need the whole rink to practice, Potter. I can’t get enough speed without it.”

“No, you don’t, Regulus. You just don’t want to share it with me. Either split it down the middle, or you can leave. I was here first.”

James turns and skates off, leaving Regulus to make up his mind. With a frustrated sigh, Regulus resigns himself to sharing the ice, knowing deep down he really does need the practice.

He can ignore James.

He can.

Regulus groans as he sits down to lace up his skates. Almost all of his annoyance fades the second he hits the ice, the smooth glide calming him as he begins to meticulously practice his routine on his half of the rink.

But he can feel James’ eyes on him, the weight of his gaze following every move. Despite his focus, Regulus can't shake the sense of being watched as he skates, jumps, and spins. He tries to shake the feeling of James’ eyes as he gears up for the move he needs to practice the most: his hydroblade. He starts skating, slowly bending his leg and sinking closer to the ground until the ice is underneath his fingertips. A smile pulls at his lips as he nails the move, intensely focused. As he stands back up, slowing down to a stop, he can't help but let out an excited yelp.

The sound of clapping rings in the air and he turns to see James standing and cheering him on. Regulus attempts to roll his eyes, but the smile pulling at his lips betrays him. Skating over to where James is, he sends him a pointed look. 

“Are you really cheering for me right now?” His voice comes out like honey, which is unintended, but with a bitter edge to it.

“Well, yeah, of course! That was amazing! You look incredible on the ice, you know. Angelic almost.”

They’re only a few inches apart, and Regulus hates the way his cheeks heat at the compliment and his breath hitches when James closes in on him. 

“You okay, Black?” James says with a self-satisfied smirk.

“M’fine,” Regulus chokes out, his voice faltering as James skates another inch closer.

“Am I making you nervous?” James asks, a cheeky smile tugging at his lips as he leans in a little closer.

“No, you could never make me nervous.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” James teases, his grin widening. “You seem a little tense right now.”

Unfortunately, they’ve been here before. As nice as James is, he does also have that cocky side to him. The one that reminds Regulus how he’s made it so far in this sport, how he has his entire team wrapped around his finger. And that’s what makes this game between them so fun.

Regulus musters up whatever strength he has in him to push back. Closing in another inch too, the space between them is almost nonexistent now.

“Are you sure I’m the only one who’s nervous?” Regulus asks with a tilt of his head.

James’ pupils blow wide, and Regulus tracks the way his Adam's apple bobs, eyes flicking down briefly to Regulus’ lips.

Their breath mingles in the close space between them, and Regulus can practically hear his own heart pounding in his ears. He never knows which one of them will break first, but it’s inevitable that one of them will. Whether it’s locker rooms, parties, or empty classrooms, somehow he and James always find each other.

Regulus hates it. But he also loves it. Craves it. The bickering, the teasing, the push and pull—it’s a game they can’t seem to quit. And Regulus honestly isn’t sure which one of them is winning anymore.

However, when James leans in, his lips brushing the spot behind Regulus’ ear—the one that drives them both crazy—He decides he doesn’t even care anymore. Not when James is this close to him, the smell of his sweat filling Regulus’ senses, and the thought of his skin being within reach makes it all the more intense.

“Get in the penalty box, James,” Regulus whispers, savoring the low rumble that escapes from him.

“So it’s James now?” There’s a glimmer in his eye, one that pisses Regulus off. “I had a feeling we’d end up here,” James says confidently, his hand wrapping around Regulus’ as they skate toward the box. “We always do.”

“Fuck you, James,” Regulus mutters, giving James a gentle shove into the box.

“Oh, I intend to, sweetheart. A nice reward for nailing that trick.”

Regulus tries to stifle the sound caught in his throat, but it slips out anyway as James pulls him into a kiss, and he melts into it. Just like he always does.

Thank god no one ever shows up to the rink this late.

[augustvandyne]

Five times you and Addison Montgomery almost kiss, and the one time you do, please?

i love addie so much she’s so cute! also, i wasn’t sure if you preferred this to take place during greys or private practice, so i went with greys!

tw: mentions of vomiting

a story for the grandkids

1.

It was in the crossing of early morning, late night.

You’d been at the hospital for over forty-eight hours. And only about ten of that had been small naps.

Being on Addison’s service was kicking your ass, but you wanted to be an OBGYN with your whole heart and soul, and you would give up anything for that. Even a little sleep.

You were currently watching over a baby whose mother had just left her.

This world was messed up, and you hated people for it. Sometimes you thought you were too empathetic for this world, but that’s what made you a great doctor.

Or at least that’s what Addison told you.

You’re drifting to sleep as you feel a tug on your pointer finger. You spent most of the night just watching the tiny humans chest thump with heartbeats.

But now you were getting restless, and there hadn’t been any response from the baby at all until now.

You sat up excitedly at the small on and off pressure being added to your finger.

“Hi, sweet girl,” You run your thumb over her small knuckles. “That’s it. You’re so strong.”

Your eyes are sparkling and your lips are wide with a large smile plastering your face.

Addison watches the interaction from across the NICU, and she thinks it’s the cutest thing she’s ever witnessed. She’s worked with a lot of aspiring interns interested in neonatal work, but she’s never met someone like you.

“Everything okay?” Addison is watching you more than the baby.

“Yes!” You are bouncing in your seat. “She— she’s responsive. I’ll admit, I was falling asleep for a second— but I felt a tug on my finger, and— she’s so strong, Dr. Montgomery.”

“Please, call me Addison,” She smiles at you, grabbing a pen from her lab coat to mark the newfound information on the chart. “And thank you for being honest with me. This is amazing news.”

“If I have to call you Addison, you should call me Y/n,” You try to convince her.

Addison chuckles, “We’ll see.”

You lower your head so your level with the incubator, your eyes closing slightly.

Addison looks up from the chart, her lips tilting up from hearing your small snores.

“Dr. Y/l/n,” Addison clears her throat, and you jump awake.

“Huh?” You rub your eyes, letting go of the babies hand for the first time in hours.

“You should go home. Get some sleep,” Addison nods.

“But— I still have a few more hours—“

“I’m telling you to go home,” Addison places her pen back in the pocket she retrieved it. “You came in early yesterday, therefore, I’m cutting you off for today.”

“Okay,” You chuckle. You stand and come closer to her, moving to stand between the incubator and her. “I’ll see you..”

“Whenever I please,” Addison gives you a breathtaking smile, only now realizing the two of you are very close.

She thinks about it for a split second, her eyes closing in on your lips. But she clenches her jaw and takes a tiny step back.

She’s grateful you’re too tired to remember this tomorrow.

“Go on, Dr. Y/l/n,” Addison nods towards the door to the NICU.

2.

You huff for what had to be the hundredth time in the past hour.

There was nothing you hated more than plastics. It wasn’t the treatments, per se.. actually, that was part of it. You hated seeing them in pain as you dressed their burns and their cries.

But you also hated Mark Sloan. You could feel his stares on you as you worked on what he’d asked. He treated you like an object, and you were over it.

You also hated him because of the way he treated Addison.

Yes, you know, she was definitely in the wrong, but she’s apologized and everyone is over it. At least everyone except Mark.

“Y/l/n. If you huff one more time you’ll be on dry cleaner and coffee duty,” Mark threatens.

Although it wasn’t really a threat to you. It was better than wondering when he was going to pounce on you.

“It’s better than being here,” You mumble, finishing a dressing on a mans hand. He was a champ.

“What? Wanna share with the class?”

“I said it’s better than being here,” You finally snapped. “I will happily get your coffee and dry cleaning.”

“Perfect,” Mark flashed you a smile without even telling you where to go and what to get. You’d just ask Alex.

You somehow managed to stumble into the NICU, in search for Alex, but you didn’t find him.

You only found Addison.

“Oh, thank god. Someone sane,” Addison comes towards you and puts her hands on your shoulders.

“I don’t know about that,” You laugh. “But I do know I might kill Mark Sloan tonight.”

“Ugh, you got Mark? Out of everyone?” Addison grimaces. “I’m sorry. I’ll help you plan.”

“Amazing,” You smiled blissfully— just being in the NICU and near Addison is what you needed to calm yourself.

You lean your forehead on Addison’s shoulder, and you feel Addison’s hand make its way to the back of your head.

When you lift your head, your mouth is awfully to the side of Addison’s face.

She locks eyes with you but moves her head to the side, away from your face. She notices Alex towards the back of the room, flirting with a nurse.

“Karev, show Y/l/n where Dr. Sloan gets his coffee and his dry cleaning.”

3.

Nothing could have prepared you for what went wrong on that table today.

You knew this was a possibility going into neonatal, and fetal, but even that couldn’t have prepared you for the first death of a mother.

You didn’t even know what went wrong, really.

The mother was fine— you were delivering her baby by C-section and then all of the sudden she started crashing.

Addison had to lead you to the side before she tried to save the patient. You just stood there. Painless, numb, frozen.

It was like you couldn’t breathe.

And when Addison called time of death you all but ran out of the operating room and towards an on-call room.

You were sitting on the edge of the bed, your scrub cap in your hands as you leaned your head back in hopes to get the tears to go away.

“Y/l/n,” Addison crouches down in front of you, her hand finding a comforting spot on your knee.

You try to ignore the burning sensation of her hand through your scrubs.

“I don’t—“ Your voice cracks and you move your hands to your face, crying into the scrub cap.

“Shh,” Addison shushes you, running another comforting hand up and down the side of your thigh. “We had no idea that was going to happen. It’s not your fault.”

“But her poor husband,” Your words are muffled through the cap. “And the baby..”

“I know,” Addison removes her hand from the side of your leg and moves your hand from your face. “It’s okay.”

Addison lifts herself from the floor and to the bed beside you.

She looks at you with sympathy, because she remembers the first mother she lost. It tore her apart just as it was doing to you.

“It will get better,” Addison promises.

“It’s not fair,” You blow out a breath. “She was fine.”

“Stop. You’re getting yourself worked up,” Addison frowns, pulling you into her side.

You melt into her side, your left leg moving on top of her own. You vigorously wipe at your tears, but they just keep coming.

You sob into her shoulder for a few minutes, soaking her dark blue scrubs to a darker blue.

Addison lifts your head to see your face.

It’s mostly dark in the room, only a small lamp sat on the desk in the back corner. You could barely see her face, but she could see yours perfectly.

She wipes the tears from your face and pushes the damp hair away that sticks onto your face.

Your eyelashes stick together as you look down at her lips slightly, and back up towards her eyes.

“You okay?” Addison’s eyes make their way down to your lips.

She leans forward, and she almost thinks she’s going to, but she pulls you in for a hug.

“Yeah,” You sigh.

4.

“It’d be nice if I could breathe right now,” You joked, although it wasn’t really a joke. It felt like the air had been swept from your lungs.

How did you get stuck with your hand on the bomb?, was a very good question.

One you definitely didn’t have the answer to.

All you knew was the second the paramedics hand was out of there, yours was right inside the body.

Your hand was growing tired, but you really didn’t want to die today. You haven’t even really fell in love yet, not really, and that’s something you’d like to experience before dying.

The next few minutes fly by in a blur. Meredith and Cristina come up with a plan to safely take care of the bomb, and the next second your out the door. Praying to any Gods above that you make it out of this alive.

“Breathe, Y/n,” Meredith reminds you.

“I can’t,” You let out a shaky gust of air. “I really c— can’t.”

“Come on, now is not the time to have an asthma attack,” Cristina curses. “I don’t have her extra inhaler, do you?”

“No.. she gave it to..”

“Addison,” The two say together.

“Crap,” You gasp for air.

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do,” Burke looks between the two - Meredith and Cristina - as a sheen of sweet forms on his forehead. “One of you are going to have to take over for her and the other needs to take her to Dr. Montgomery now. Before things get out of hand and we all die.”

“You’re right,” Meredith nods. “Okay, I’ve got it. A count of three, Y/n, got it?”

“Yes,” You’re trying to inhale anything at this point, but you can’t seem to grab anything.

You successfully make the trade off with Meredith, and your anxiety skyrockets as you are forced to leave her behind.

“Y/n—“

“I know,” You share a silent understanding with your best friend.

Tell him.

I know.

“Come on, let’s go,” Cristina tugs on your arm and takes you right towards the redhead.

“Oh, y/n,” Addison dives right into your arms, unaware of the fact that you can’t breathe at all. “Thank god you’re alright. You are okay, right? I don’t see any bruises.”

“Dr. Montgomery,” Cristina breaks the moment. “You have her inhaler?”

“Oh!” Addison sees the paleness in your face and begins reaching for your inhaler, finding it in her back pocket. “Here.”

Addison doesn’t care about the blood coating your hand as she holds your hand to help you with your inhaler.

Addison leans her face forward to make sure you’re doing it right, and when you remove your hand her lips are awfully close to your face.

You take a sharp inhale of breath you didn’t have a second ago, and you actually think she’s gonna go through with it for a second.

But you had an audience, and she didn’t want your first kiss to be in front of her ex-husband and your subordinates.

“You’re okay?” Addison checks over you.

“You called me by my name,” Is the first thing you say when you’re fully back.

Addison laughs, “I did.”

5.

You giggle to yourself as you sit at the bar in Joes.

You were all supposed to originally go there so you could drink and do trauma dumps for the week, but everyone got called in for their respective specialties, except you.

A familiar fragrance hits your nose, and you rest back, almost falling out of the stool at the bar.

“Woah there,” Addison catches you quickly before you fall.

“Addie,” You sigh in content, laying your arm across the table, your head resting in the crook of your arm.

“Hm?” Addison presses her lips together. “Meredith told me I might find you here.”

“She did?” You ask with a little too much excitement.

“Yeah,” Addison laughs at you. “What happened? Are you upset? Is that why you’re like this?”

“Nooooo,” You poke her on the nose.

You begin to stand, putting your coat on due to the frigid weather.

“Where are you off to?” Addison stands quickly, following you right out the door.

“The hospital!” You gasp. “To save more babies. I like babies. I want babies. I want them with this one person, but I don’t think they want them with me. Which is okay! I’m.. I think I’m gonna throw up.”

Addison follows you to the grass, holding your hair back as you empty your stomach onto the ground.

She pushes down the jealousy as she rubs your back soothingly.

You lean up fast, looking her in the eyes with the most adorable expression (in her opinion).

You give a wide smile, leaning forward the slightest bit.

She does think about it, but your first kiss shouldn’t be this way. You wouldn’t even be able to remember it in the morning. And your mouth tasted awful.

“Come on,” Addison steers you away from the grass and back into the bar. “Let’s get you a coffee. Maybe some fries. How does that sound?”

You groan in response.

+1

Weddings really just irked you. And you didn’t know what it was about them.

Maybe the fact that you spend so much money for a stupid party you won’t even remember in two years, but Addison seemed to love it.

That’s the only reason you were going - was for Addison.

You’d noticed over the past few weeks how close Addison has come to kissing you. You were really hoping today might be it.

You were a bridesmaid, due to you being one of Cristina’s very best friends.

Although right now you were really regretting even agreeing in the first place.

First off, you hated the dress. Brown? Out of any color? Second, (again on the dress) it didn’t fit your body type well at all. And lastly, you were beginning to think there wouldn’t even be a wedding.

Cristina kept freaking out. All day. And now you could hear someone approaching the door. You had a feeling it was Burke.

Meredith calls for you and when you come to the door it’s not Burke.

It’s Addison.

“Addison,” You slip out of the room. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay with Burke?”

“Everything’s okay for now,” Addison keeps a stoic expression on her face. “But is she almost ready? He’s getting antsy, and he might not go through with it.”

You clench your jaw, shaking your head.

“I’m not even the maid of honor and I’m running around fixing everything?” You whisper-shout.

“Don’t get mad at me,” Addison lifts her brows.

“I’m just— this whole wedding is a disaster. First these stupid dresses, second the bachelorette party? I mean, what the hell kind of party was that?! And now Cristina can’t remember her vows, and there may as well—“

You’re cut off by Addison’s lips smashing onto yours.

“Finally,” You sigh, leaning into her.

Her hands find your hips, grabbing onto them as she pushes you against the wall. Your arms wrap around her neck.

“And for the record,” She says between kisses. “I love this dress on you.”

This was a story for the grandkids.

[pybun]

a quick script of the comic im thinking with dynamo, abrams and marlowe. looks like this will exceed 6 pages if i also wanna do the lunch date scene

for some context: haze got a bunch of new lines and her lines for dynamo implies that his wife, marlowe, is at least one of the heads of the OSIC that haze works for

PAGE 1-------------------------------

1 - library exterior night

2 - abrams hiding in the shadows outside library 3 - close up on his watch showing its around 11pm 4 - worried abrams face

5 - tapping of footsteps can be heard, abrams turns around to see whos appraoching him 6 - dynamos running towards him with the book in hand

PAGE 2-------------------------------

1 - dynamo info dumps abt his access to the nocturnal library 2 - abrams looks worried but also flustered 3 - abrams tunnel visioning onto dynamo's "eyes" while dynamo kept yapping

4 - abrams pins dynamo on the nearest wall, stopping dynamo from talking

5 - dynamo: w-what's wrong? 6 - abrams staring, sweating, trying to come up with words. background is filled with words he wanted to say (he was v worried that he might gotten attacked in there, etc) 7 - dyn: sorry. i shouldn't have spilled. haha. wrong place and time. s-sorry

8 - abrams, embarassed: y-yeah…..lets go some place safe

PAGE 3-------------------------------

1 - dyn: oh i have to go home. marlowe might be worried sick 2 - abrams, looking away: oh y-yeah sure. i'll just call you tomorrow 3 - dynamo hands abrams some papers dyn: here, i made a photocopy of the notes i took

4 - abrams: thank you, dynamo. i really appreciate all the help 5 - dyn: its a pleasure! see you tomorrow or whenever

6 - wide shot of library front, the 2 are splitting up. theres a car in the foreground

7 - car interior shot. close up on screen on dashboard showing OSIC logo driver: isn't that your husband, maam 8 - pull back shot, someones sitting at the backseat looking out the window marlowe: unmistakably

(might combine 7 and 8 panels to make room for 9)

9 - close up of marlowe looking neutral driver: that other man- marlowe: lets just leave driver: of course

PAGE 4-------------------------------

1 - wide shot of bed room. marlowe is already in bed "asleep". dynamo enters the room

2 - dynamo in his jammies, getting ready and sitting on the bed next to his wife 3 - marlowe turns around to face her husband 4 - back, close up shot of dynamo noticing marlowe marlowe, offscreen: how was work today?

5 - dynamo while slipping under the blanket: i was helping a friend with some research after work. sorry, i didnt expect it would take that long mar, listening: what did you guys find? 6 - dynamo, settled in bed, facing marlowe dyn: remember the nocturnal library ive heard about? i finally got in! [info dump] 7 - marlowe, listening, smiling

PAGE 5-------------------------------

1 - mar: whos the friend youre helping? dyn: it's detective abrams. he's a bit obsessed with this book but i don't mind….i mean it is interesting to look into and look where it got me today 2 - marlowe's face relaxed, holding back a thought for a moment 3 - dynamo looks at marlowe as she started speaking mar: remember what i said years ago that, due to the nature of my work, i wouldnt hate you if you find company in other people?

4 - dynamo shot up in bed dyn, embarassed: no no no, that's not where this book thing is going- 5 - dynamo pauses, relaxes and realized dyn: you were there were you? at the library?

6 - marlowe, lies on her back to face away from her husband, looking at the ceiling mar: my position is not usually concerned of who gets access to the nocturnal library but when i was notified that a familiar name showed up, i had to see it for myself

7 - dynamo looking at her still facing the ceiling 8 - same panel but dynamo facing away, kinda defeated dyn: there's nothing going on between me and the detective 9 - same panel again, now marlowe looking at dynamo mar: have you asked the detective? 10 - same panel again but wider, dynamo meets marlowe's gaze

[iloveboysinred]

Satoru is a man who will literally die if you touch him in certain ways. This man CARES for himself more than any man you've met. He shaved just about everything because I genuinely believe he doesn't like the feeling of hair on his skin. But one place that he just cannot part with is his happy trail.

This man will grip at the sheets so hard they crinkle between his fingers just to ground himself into the present. His azure eyes big and shaky, staring down at you as you kiss down the soft white hair. He oils it after his shower and keeps it trimmed just enough that it's soft and whispy. His mouth, glossy with lip balm and spit, are open slightly and shaky. His chest heaving as he tried to calm his breaths as you kiss over his skin is making him dizzy. He hates the scratchy feeling of body hair against his clothes. But he can *never* miss the opportunity to have your fingers and lips running through what hair he does have while you bring him to extacy.

feed me more.

because the world is mine and in my world the jjk cast live happy and normal lives, Satoru definetly has the time to take care of himself and that includes his maintenance.

I mean he eats like a toddler and still has perfect skin and teeth. Plus he's rich so he has acess to expensive treatment and products to keep himelf smelling and looking good.

he knows you love his manicures. There was something about watching his pristine fingernails be covered down to the knuckle in your mess that felt so satisfying. watching him finger you or even stoke himself felt like watching a carefully edited and curated porno. You loved the fact that your man was clean and cared about his hygiene.

Satoru keeps his hair neat with periodic hair cuts and trims. he doesn't touch it much during the day, so it doesn't have split ends and breakage. His hair is wool-soft and he knows you like to grab it when he's eating you out. He moans when you lead his head in the direction you need him like a dog on a leash, and you just about break his pelvic bone in half whenever he comes home from gtting his hair cut.

As for body hair, i feel like he keeps a thin and trimmed happy trail that leads down to a thin dusting of hair on his actual pelvis. Its not enough hair for him to feel uncomfortable but its just enough for you to feel it when he's leaning over your body and stroking your walls deep enough for your pelvis to meet his, feeling the delicious drag of the hair agaisnt your skin with every stroke.

[x-birdsong-x]

An insane amount of Adams headcanons

of varying topic.

-She gets a dog post-canon. A five-month-old German Shepherd. Black medium-long coat and tan socks on her front leggies. Her name’s Rue - like the flower. Nicknames Rubes, Rue-Bee because she nearly got stung her first day around, and Kanga-Rue. She’s a good girl. She can’t eat chicken. Has a lot of fancy martingale collars.

-Don’t ever call her Jessica. It’s Jess. If not Adams to the team. She’s always just been Adams to House especially (and post-ep 4 and ep 6’s endings mostly, that’s important to her.)

-When it’s late and nobody else is there, her favorite part of the hospital has to be the waterfalls inside.

-Mix of (over)analysis in this one but still very much HC: Adams’ parents are fine with, say, mentioning people they know who are LGBTQ+, hearing about it on the news and stuff like that, but they don’t want their own kids to “get involved with it.” Adams would never have brought it up or wanted to bring it up as a teen even if she had acknowledged it then, avoidant as she is. Her parents want her to get married, she knows her dad’s other family especially expects her to have kids with no understanding if she out-loud says she’s never once in her life wanted that. Present-time, she’s definitely never going to bring it up. Her parents barely even know much about she and her ex splitting up, let alone why, going off Risky Business’ ending. Adams is canonically still in-contact with her parents, but she lives her life in secret.

Pre-canon/as a teen, I don’t think she really thought much about it. She’s fine with it, wouldn’t exactly have shoved it away if the full thought had crossed her mind, but she just doesn’t think about it for herself. She finds she likes to talking to a girl in passing between classes or at the end of the day? Yeah, so? She’s gotta go home and get this work done. She doesn’t like the thought of meeting a guy, getting married, everything that could come with that? Whatever, she’ll just put it off for as long as she can.

Headcanons-included or not, I think getting together in the first place and getting married was on some level convenient, potentially for her and her ex, given (even with all my problems with ep 17,,) how soon everything went bad and how soon they split up. Similar to her pushing herself so hard in school post-nyc- telling her mom she’s engaged, getting married, especially to someone mom thinks "calms her down," is going to make her mom happy. It’s going to put her in her mom’s (surface, easily lost) good-graces for a while. Even if, obviously, it doesn’t erase the problems. Her dad especially doesn’t like that she's nicer when interacting with her partner than she is with him and her mom.

Canon-time, year separated from her ex, I still don’t think she really thinks about it. So she’ll play around with Park? What about it?

Post-canon, if she offhandedly mentioned a girlfriend at some point, I don’t think anyone would be surprised outside, maybe, surprise that she’s been seeing/has met someone in the first place given her “I don’t have time for that�� when House was still around. I don’t think any friends of hers, at work or otherwise (not that she seems to have many people she’s close to outside PPTH), would be surprised if she starts seeing or briefly mentioning a girl.

-She keeps a few changes of clothes in her locker every day. She'll change between procedures and/or whenever throughout the day if she feels like it. More often than not, she does. She's a bit of a germaphobe depending on what they're working on. Got worse/amped up when she was 16-20 and hasn't calmed down all that much. Clothes that have been outside/in another room aren't allowed to touch her bed. Bed clothes don't leave the room. She used to hate her mom brushing against/leaning over or sitting on her bed, especially if it had recently been changed. She used to hate her dad coming into her room 99.9% of the time anyway because he'd have shoes on. No, don't let that touch her bag when she'll want it on her bed, that bag's been outside-

-She’s got a low heat tolerance. And it’s annoying. Winter gets cold and she has times at random where it takes her a while to adjust to the chill and/or she feels cold for no good reason, but she’d rather it be freezing to the point of needing to warm up than too hot to cool down. Resulted in a nice issue with headaches, especially as a teen. Overheat > Get a migraine > Go into cooler place > Migraine dies down > Go back somewhere warmer > Migraine immediately gets worse > Stuck with it > Eye hurts > Go to bed > Get woken up a few hours earlier than usual the next morning because aching eye socket feels like it’s being crushed > Migraine nausea > What the fuck

-She grew up with dogs. Big dogs. Sadie, Rough Collie x German Shepherd who was the oldest and one of the two the kids really grew up with. Lucy, an old black Lab they got off dad’s brother who was around until Adams was five and liked to try steal hot drinks. Shep, a Border Collie who was dad’s boy, and Sheba, a Rough Collie who was mom’s girl.

Adams was closest with Sadie - also the only one who would choose to sleep upstairs every night. Adams’ room was always the coldest (thank god) so Sadie would sleep in with her.

-Horsegirl. Her parents don’t like horses. Her dad quote “doesn’t trust them” and her mom is intimidated by them but tolerated it for the kids.

Her horse was Calliope, a dark bay tobiano Paint x Percheron who was only eight when they got her. Ollie’s horse was Zephyr, a black Quarter. He was fourteen when they got him.

She started riding when she was eight with a friend of her mom’s, the woman who owned the place. She competed a couple of times when she was twelve and thirteen- jumping or cross country, she could not get into dressage- but by the time she was fourteen she preferred trail riding so much more that she mostly stopped with competing, which is when she got Cal - who also did better trail riding. She took on a handful more shows when she was fifteen with a different horse, a smaller handful when she was seventeen-eighteen.

Evening/early morning trail rides when it’s not too hot and it’s just her and the animals and there’s a cold breeze? That’s the best part. Always has been. She’d sneak out of the house early to go to the yard with one of the dogs (Sadie, 99% of the time) before anyone else got up, especially when she could tell she wouldn’t have been able to interact with anyone without snapping. There was this trail she’d go on with a little creek that would eventually lead into a clearing/small field where she could hitch Cal and hang with the dog(s).

Going to see the horses was the first thing that really got her out of her room and out of the house post-NYC. Eventually.

-She loves cats although they never had any outside a few at the yard that weren’t really theirs so much as they were barn cats. If people were calm enough around them they’d lounge around if they were in the mood and give a sniff. It was Skipper, Tom, Pepper, Tabby, and King. Skipper was a solid gray three-legged sweetheart, Tom was a tuxedo, Pepper was a gray tabby, Tabby was a brown tabby, and King was another tuxedo. Adams was closest with Skipper but King was just as friendly and he absolutely loved the dogs - he’d jump off his perch to run over and greet Sadie as soon as he saw her. Her parents don't like cats.

Skipper had been their neighbors' adult (20+) daughters' cat, once. Sort of. Ignored and left outside to curl up in a flowerpot on the back doorstep and get fed by the much nicer neighbors across the road. Eventually, the girl took Skipper to the yard (she had no horses, thank god) and just left her there.

Before Skipper became a yard cat, Adams has this vivid memory of her mom coming into her room one summer night to close her window when she was little - The curtains had been shut hours ago, and her mom paused before asking her if she’d left a cuddly toy on the windowsill. She’d said no, been asked if she was sure she hadn’t, and then came a quietly shocked “Oh- damn cat’s in here.”

Skipper had made her way over to the house at some point, figured out a way to climb up to Adams’ window, and made herself comfortable completely undetected. They stayed there for a pretty long time with Adams giving Skipper all the pets and begging for her to be allowed to stay. She loved that cat.

Neighbors' daughter also had a Border Collie named Ellie. She'd bark constantly, and Adams' parents always told her never to go near her (both because the neighbors weren't friendly and they didn't believe Ellie was friendly). Ellie was kept outside, usually around back with a doghouse by the back door (next to where Skipper's flowerpot was). They fed her fine, she had water, they threw toys out for her, but they never once interacted with her and if they did, it was to tell her off for barking.

Adams snuck out one night, Ellie noticed her through the fence when she passed the bottom of the neighbors' driveway, and Adams decided screw it. She went up there, held her hand out for Ellie to sniff, and theory confirmed: Ellie was friendly, at least with people. She stayed there for as long as she could petting Ellie through the fence and promised her she'd make a habit of visiting from then on when she had to get moving.

The two dogs at the yard were Saffie and Archie - two Field Spaniels. They found Shep very strange.

She’s always gotten along with all the animals a lot better than she has with family.

-They weren't super rural, but they had a lot of land and the yard was walking-distance away, just a bit quicker if she cut through a bit of a wooded area. Nearest neighbor on their side of the road was walking-distance but still fairly far apart.

-Somehow a member of the Never Broken A Bone club. Though her dad accidentally dislocated her shoulder when she was younger. She can’t remember exactly how young but young enough that she let him walk next to her and pick her up because they were out with the dogs and he decided to pick the kids up by the arms and spin them.

-Misophonia for DAYYYSSS. Chewing is the worst, she absolutely can not stand the sound of chewing. She’s gotten pretty good at masking it but it’s a lot more difficult to ignore around family when they leave her in constant fight andor flight in the first place.

-She picks her nails when she’s anxious (Canon!) and pretty often she’ll “click” her nails when fidgeting. Rim of her thumbnail scraping under another and clicking when quickly pulled back.

-She plays the penlid game and it’s a terrible way for someone who gets easily angry to fidget because the lid will always at some point end up flinging across the room and/or the pen will snap away and stab her hand. It makes her angrier. She keeps doing it.

(Canon!)

-There are certain scents she avoids. There’s this handsoap that smells exactly like where they stayed on a particular miserable vacation, some perfumes she avoids because they remind her of ones her mom used to wear.

-Her necklace is and always has been a comfort item. And she likes the noise it makes. Originally given to her as a present - the first time she’d ever seen it, but her dad told her what it was.

-She likes the noise heels make the same as she likes the noise her necklace makes. As a kid she had a pair of boots that never even left her room so she could put them on whenever that made really nice sound. Good for if she was pacing.

-She won’t ever eat any seafood willingly whatsoever because she can’t stand the texture of it (or how it looks and smells, ugh). Any shellfish are especially gross. Started when she tried prawns and was miserable for the rest of the day because it gives her a nasty migraine. She can’t remember how old she was but younger than fourteen. She will opt to starve because if she takes a bite of any of it she feels sick. Nauseating hunger migraines are preferable to nauseating seafood migraines.

-She’s super picky about smoothies. She’s only found three in a lifetime that she’ll willingly drink and not hate the texture of, which is a shame because she really likes her fruit.

-But she HATES the texture of bananas. They don’t even taste nice. She doesn’t like them in drinks either though she’ll be more likely to agree to a banana milkshake over anything else that includes bananas. Another thing she’d rather starve than eat.

-Adams likes pineapple on pizza. She went a good bit of her life not even knowing the opinion on that was divided.

-She has problems with solid food in the mornings a lot of the time and generally struggles to eat when she’s anxious. On the occasion she does eat in the morning, it’s usually some type of fruit. Or something soft and sweet like porridge. Started when she was around fifteen. If she remembers right.

-She has siblings. She doesn’t even remember how old her younger brother is. They don’t really acknowledge each other and they don’t like each other either. On her end, it swings between resentment and apathy. Ollie (Oliver) is mom’s little baby and can get away with bloody murder. He Exists. They never make any move to acknowledge each other unless they have to or in very rare moments of peace. She knows Ollie is very aware that she doesn’t like him. She doesn’t know how exactly he feels about that. She doesn’t care.

Her half-sister’s eleven years older and Adams gets along with her a lot better but they never see each other very often, and given Kat (Katherine) doesn’t have the same feelings about their dad, Adams never really makes a move to seek out contact/her avoidance comes through when it comes to her sister as well. She’s always found it much easier when they’re 1:1 instead of when anyone else is around. One of two people on Dad’s side of the family she’ll willingly talk to. Mom doesn’t like Kat very much because she doesn’t like that Dad favors his first kid whilst actively playing favorites herself and wondering why Jess and Ollie hate each other so much.

-Her parents are both "Talk so I can hear what I want" parents.

-She limits contact with family both generally and on most special occasions to phone calls or replying to texts for her dad’s family if she’s lucky. When she was younger she really didn’t enjoy her birthdays especially. Too much attention, too difficult to figure out how everyone wanted her to react when showing any real emotion around her parents was always either Too Much or Not Enough or Not Correct or their response made her feel silly. Eventually her only response to things like “What do you want for your birthday?” became I Don’t Know. She preferred the idea of spending the day alone with the dogs and/or taking Calliope out. On her seventeenth she quite liked the thought of finding enough sleeping pills to knock herself out for the next forty-eight hours.

-No family can remember the last time she let any of them take a picture of her. She hates any of them taking pictures of her. The latest picture they have of her, she was fourteen according to them. She doesn't have any pictures of herself as a kid around the house. She doesn’t mind having her picture taken - she minds when it’s family trying to do it.

-It's impossible for her to picture herself as a child. She has some very vivid memories but when looking back on them she can only see herself exactly as she is in the present. She sees through the eyes of the memory.

-She can very rarely remember how old she was regardless of how vivid her memories are. She can guess, sometimes have a pretty good idea, but she can never be sure. It's all blended.

-One of the moments she feels most guilty about is the time her mom picked her up from school and by that point, she already didn’t respond well to either of her parents trying to talk to her, so she got snippy as soon as she got in the car. She’s sure she was fifteen. Her mom told her it’s easier when she isn’t home, that she’s a lot like her dad, and “You know when we say how disappointing it can be when dad gets home? I feel that way about you sometimes.”

-She learned to drive a year or so later than she could have because she didn't want to learn from either of her parents. They wanted her to, but she gave in once and sat in the car with dad for just five minutes while he pointed things out (that she wouldn't remember within the hour) before she couldn't take it and he must've been in a great mood there because he noticed and let it go. She put it off for as long as she could whenever they brought it up after that. She learned from an instructor eventually.

-By fifteen she reached the “fine” phase responding to any “how was-” questions from family. She greeted the animals with 100x more enthusiasm than she ever greeted her dad especially, another thing she hopes he noticed (and it was massively satisfying when he did point it out once a few years after it started).

-Her relationship with her dad is much less painful than her relationship with her mom. There’s a hell of a lot more guilt involved with her mom. When it comes to her dad, she snapped somewhere along the way and wouldn’t let him get away with his shit anymore. He still never listens to a word she says and very loudly thinks of himself as good and approachable but it seems he gets the feeling she doesn’t like him. Not sure what he expected. She’d without a shadow of a doubt rather be 1:1 with House for the rest of her life than spend a day with her dad. She hates him.

-She didn't dance with her dad when she got married. He was not happy about it, and neither was any other family member. Icicles don't soften when they die (they sharpen into sabers and they stab you in the eye) etc etc

-There were plenty of times she fantasized running away. Plenty of times she looked at her window or her door and could see it in her mind’s eye. Fear always beat it out of her. And she couldn’t imagine going anywhere without Sadie.

-Over the holidays as a kid, her dad would drag them to his sister’s house where there’d be a gathering of family she didn’t trust/who never really seemed to like her or her mom (or Ollie). Her dad’s family had/has a weird dynamic in which he is the glue that keeps them all together even though these gatherings were never specifically his idea. The world revolves around his side of the family as soon as he’s thinking about or interacting with any of them, he’s sunshine and roses with them compared to what he’s like at home, “jokes” that hurt her mom’s feelings and/or make Adams snap are his icebreakers, he gets pissy when she waits for someone to talk to her before she talks to them. They’d get together for gatherings but then all talk behind each other’s backs as soon as it was over. Her aunt’s kids would bring their little kids who at least kept the attention of everyone off of Adams. Only one of her aunt’s daughters was someone Adams genuinely liked and felt comfortable saying hi to. Her sister was never there because she never lived close enough to make it. Nobody ever turned off flashing lights or disliked the heat and the living room would always be crowded so Adams would end up with a migraine every single time without fail.

The bright spot was always getting to see her aunt & uncle’s pets - Border Collie Tilly and black cat Nancy. Her dad would mostly ignore them pretty much the whole time they were there and her mom would focus on Ollie. Great! She’ll be elsewhere sitting with the cat. (Tilly would hide behind the couch to escape the little kids because nobody ever told them to leave her alone, and Nancy would hide in a different room because she was the type of old cat who just wanted a quiet room and quiet stroke or nothing at all - Adams was more than happy to give that).

-”Jess stayed in the room with us for an hour just because you were there? That means she likes you!”

-She gets really worked up if someone goes into her room without explicit permission and without her there to keep an eye on them. Especially if they change anything. As a teen it took something like seven times of coming home to a completely moved-around wardrobe and getting Very angry about it for her mom to stop going into her room every once in a while to move things while she wasn't there. It’s always felt like her room is something nobody else is meant to see. It’s her room, it’s her space, everything in there is hers - No one can just come in when she’s not there and touch things and move things and change things.

-She has to sleep with a fan on. She cannot sleep without it. If someone turns it off when she's asleep she'll wake up and turn it back on. It has to be aimed directly at her face. She needs the cold, needs the sound. She'll hear it straight away if it starts clicking and needs cleaning.

-She has to have her room set up a specific way. Her bed has to have the headboard and one side in a corner because she can't stand open space behind her. Bedside table right next to the open side where her fan will go. She's had her rooms set up this way for as long as she can remember and won't let it change.

-Overall she sleeps fine. Mostly. Usually. If she’s at home. If she’s not at home then it’s more difficult, especially the first night. She could be given all the in-advance warnings in the world and still not be able to sleep properly the first night away from home. She’s tossing and turning and irritated by sounds nobody else seems to be bothered by and getting up to pace around the room all night because her blood feels like it’s boiling and being aware that she’s supposed to be asleep gets her even more worked up and makes it even harder. She ends up even more short-tempered than usual.

The one exception is post-canon on bad nights sometimes she’ll go to the hospital really early, shut all the blinds and usually end up falling asleep in the office. (The fact it makes her feel closer to House is irrelevant.)

-She read Lassie Come-Home constantly as a teen, was given to her by one of her grandparents.

-She had a comfort item until she was nineteen - a plain white snuggle blanket she’d had since she was a baby that she called Snuggles. She doesn’t remember how old she was when she firmly stopped taking him out of the house so he wouldn’t get lost (or dirty), but it was driven by the time she nearly did lose him in a store and her dad finally gave in and took her back there to find him because she wouldn’t let them leave him and wouldn’t stop crying. She’d completely stopped using his name in front of anyone by the time she was twelve, stopped mentioning him at all around dad by the time she was thirteen and only mentioned him to mom if asking where he was after he got washed because she refused to ever leave him downstairs where dad could see him.

By the time she was sixteen to nineteen, he was more holes than cloth and was small enough that she could ball him up and hold him in one fist. He’d come apart more with a tug too hard and would get all twisted up in himself when he got washed.

She never had any intention of getting rid of him and didn’t want to let him go, her parents were just fed up with their teenage daughter still having a comfort item like that so one day she got home and noticed something wasn’t right in her room, realized he was missing and spent a frantic set of minutes looking for him around her room in case she’d moved him somewhere and forgotten, and as soon as she had nowhere else to look she knew her immediate theory was correct.

She didn’t even try to keep the topic quiet from dad when she went downstairs to ask where her blanket was. Mom said she didn’t know, dad didn’t answer. It took two days of bothering mom about it over and over to make her crack and say dad went into her room when she wasn’t there and got rid of it. I have this dream that I am hitting my dad with a baseball bat. She felt so completely off and had so much trouble getting to sleep without Snuggles that from that first night without him she took out an old long-sleeve shirt with similar-feeling material and cut the buttons off it to have that in her bed instead.

-Connects to the next one, but one day a few weeks after she’d turned fifteen, she’d gotten really stressed over the fact her dad would be picking her up from school because she can’t stand being 1:1 with him like that and a teacher caught her struggling not to cry and took her to an empty classroom to talk to her, and that just became a regular thing once every week or two. Jess could come to her classroom during lunch or gaps in her timetable for a 1:1 and just talk about anything she needed to - stuff at home, anything she was having trouble with at school, etc.

Jess got attached to her really quickly - it was nice to have someone she felt safe with and felt comfortable talking to and felt was actually (at least trying to) listening to her - but she did tend to… make up a happier answer if she felt the real one would disappoint this teacher. These 1:1s went on for a long time - until April of the year after where talk of vacation had already started up at home. Jess said plenty about that, said her dad told her to come up with “real reasons” she didn’t want to go, and spent a 1:1 getting help putting some reasons together. And at the end of that session, the teacher let Jess know that she’d be leaving in two weeks (not her decision), and Jess remembers very vividly feeling her heart drop and putting on a brave face as she left but having to run to a hidden corner she knew of outside to cry.

Of course talking to her parents about vacation didn’t go well, had one 1:1 with the teacher where she tried to talk about it, agreed to “try sitting them down to talk to them if they’re both acting better right now” and never actually did that because she knew it wouldn’t change anything and/or wouldn’t last even if she did. But she didn’t say that the next morning when she ran into the teacher in the hall and got asked about it- made up a happier answer, avoided her for the rest of the day - and that teacher was gone the day after.

Post-vacation, post-NYC, back at school, Jess made a habit of going to stand outside that teacher’s classroom during lunch/between classes to feel more grounded. She remembers feeling a surge of anger when someone new set up in there.

-She had a horrible time being away from home vacation-wise when she was sixteen. And it’s strange!! Because when she was a kid they went on vacation three times - always to the same area - each of which she doesn’t remember much of.

The first-first she was too young to remember, so it doesn’t count. Of the real first one, she remembers Ollie pushing her into the pool when she couldn’t swim and not getting in any trouble for it. She remembers her dad was in A Mood one afternoon and gave everyone the silent treatment until the day after. She remembers dad crossing the road because he was in that mood and Ollie went to walk with him while she stayed with mom. She remembers getting a toy dog that broke within the day. She remembers the second because she made a few friends she never saw again and met a lifeguard’s little gray & white kitten named Albert. She only remembers she was twelve because she told one of her friends. She remembers trying her dad’s bright blue fruit drink she liked but can never quite remember the name of.

The last one she remembers a lot more of, likely thanks to the fact she was older and miserable.

She never even wanted to go. And everyone knew she didn’t want to go. Just over two months or so before they'd leave- which would be a couple of weeks after she turned sixteen- dad told her that if she could give him a real reason she didn’t want to go, then he’d think about it. And she did that, about a week later once she’d worked up some reasons in her head apart from “I don’t want to be stuck with you for two weeks” and “Sadie’s really old now and I don’t want to leave her” and “I literally just don’t want to go?”

And her dad’s first reaction when she said she wanted to talk about it was to roll his eyes and then imply he was never serious anyway. And oh, that was it. Mark #1 of her major “And She Snapped” moments. She went off on them (while making her way to leave the room) and surprise surprise it got her nowhere. I have this dream that I am hitting my dad with a baseball bat.

She remembers dad saying she’s definitely going with them now because he’s absolutely not going to leave her when she’s like that, and mom was softer for like two days afterward. Still didn’t listen to her - just expected that now she’d said it, it all went away and wouldn’t come up again. Talk so I can hear what I want.

The dogs went into kennels the day before, so the night they left she hadn’t been able to sleep because Sadie wasn't there and she didn’t want to go in the first place and her fan started clicking so she got up to clean it and then it was too bright to sleep even with her curtains shut and they had to leave in the early morning and she didn’t want to fly and mom kept telling her to knock it off because she was crying like ten minutes into being in the airport and ruining everyone's time (it wasn’t at all busy that early in the morning - she’ll never know why just being there threw her whole system completely out of whack).

They got there and it was too hot and so Not Her Room when she had to unpack and she was hungry and tired and she’d been around the others for so long without a break and it was so long until it was going to be dark enough to sleep and the dogs weren’t there and she didn’t want to be there and little things and little things and little things

They went out that evening to walk around and something happened to set her off - she doesn’t remember what, it might’ve been something her mom said because she’d waited for her to get her necklace back on before following everyone else - but she just started crying. And just couldn’t stop. For hours. She got a little cuddly bunny from one of the shops they went into. She got pulled into another by her mom just to be told to Knock It Off and stop ruining everyone's trip out the way of everyone else. She saw a cat in an alley they cut down and dropped behind a minute to spend some time with the much more understanding fluffy tabby. She could've stayed there with the cat, she remembered her way around. Would've been in even more trouble for making them come back to find her though.

Sat down at a restaurant, got snapped at by dad, quietly snapped back at him to piss off - prompted his immediate response of “Tell me that again I’ll bash your fucking face in”

Which didn’t sink in right away

Her dad ended up storming off and walking back to where they were staying when they got up to leave because apparently she was the problem. She remembers the rest of them got back before him, which was lucky at least. She's pretty sure he doesn't even remember what he said now.

(And he didn't. Next time she fully snapped and had a real go at them, he didn't remember until she'd brought it up and mom chimed in confirming that yes, he'd said that. He excused it as "probably just him flighting out." Nevermind the fact he was a grown fucking man and everyone knew she hadn't wanted to be there in the first place.)

She went straight to Not-her-room. She remembers feeling really cold. And floaty. Kat called before dad got back to ask what was going on - and Adams knows their dad stopped on his way back and called her to complain about her because she (reluctantly) went to answer and verbatim it went: “What’s going on, Jess? Are you not enjoying the trip?” and her response to yeah fine was “I know you’re okay in your room, but it would be nice to make some memories with the family while you’re out there. Dad was really looking forward to this and they’re all really worried about you."

Was the longest she slept the whole two weeks there. After however many hours spent completely unable to because the bed was in the wrong position and she had to have her back to the door that didn’t lock and she could hear the road from afar and the fan kept making the blinds tap but that whole side of the room was windows so she wasn’t going to open them but she’d immediately overheat if she turned the fan off and then it’d be too silent and the road would be even easier to hear.

She really thought about it there, before she fell asleep. It would’ve been so stupidly easy - open the outside door of her room, slip out and hop over the wall and disappear. She knew her way around, knew her way to and around town, could’ve gone down to the beach. As usual, the fear kept her. It was dark, she'd nowhere to go, she’d have had to be back before morning. Just… wasn’t doable.

She tried her damndest to avoid her dad after that - Notwithstanding his attempts to act like he never said anything/nothing ever happened. As he does. She wouldn’t have forgiven him even if he had apologized. I have this dream that I am hitting my dad with a baseball bat.

She honestly would’ve preferred not to be given the false hope of her mom telling her multiple times that they might leave early anyway. The worst one was the morning after day one because her mom suddenly listening & saying If I could get you home right now, I would, was enough to make her cry again.

She spent 95% of this trip in not-her-room on not-her-bed feeling progressively worse. The whole place was too hot. She could hardly sleep because she could hear the road and the blinds kept clicking but she wasn’t going to open them and they were the only thing making the room only just dark enough to sleep. The bed meant she had to have her back to the door that didn’t lock. These little flies kept appearing from god knows where in her room even though she never opened either of her doors for more than a few seconds to the point she just started hand-killing them. She was the only one to notice these tiny ants in the kitchen the first night they were there and the bug spray her mom tried gave her a migraine and put this horrible greasy coating on the bed so she went looking for any spare bedding as soon as she was alone and found stuff twice the size and twice the thickness of what was meant to be on the bed but she wasn’t willing to touch the original stuff so everything ended up even hotter and she never wanted to be there in the first place and she just really really wanted to go home.

The little time she spent anywhere else was whenever she and Ollie were there on their own so she’d leave her room to force down a snack, and then one night after her dad came back from a walk talking about how everyone should come see this cat that looked like Skipper. She said no at first and then made herself upset thinking about the kitty so she went with.

Her mom told her during the second week that she wasn’t helping by staying in her room and not talking to anyone, and when they got home they were going to sit down and have a family discussion. That wasn’t the first time she’d said that or the first time they’d ‘tried’ that, but this one never happened at all and she’s well aware nothing like that ever lasts anyway. Talk so I can hear what I want.

-She ran away about three weeks after they got home.

-…

-Her mom used to tell her and Ollie that if either of them ever got lost somewhere and she hadn’t given them a place to meet up/wait if they got separated, then find someone with a dog and ask them for help.

So that’s what she did. She found this woman loading her dogs into her car and asked if she could give her a ride home. It was Nellie the Red/Irish Setter and Rover the St. Bernard.

-The first parts of that drive home actually felt like a massive relief. The dogs being in there with her helped massively - Nellie was sat next to her in the back seat, Rover was in the trunk and had his head leaning on the seats pretty much the whole way. The anxiety came back the closer she got to home.

-She remembers it feeling really awkward when she got back - walking up to the front door. She wanted to be home but she didn’t want to say anything to anyone.

-And then she found out Sadie had died while she was gone.

-She smashed a mirror, ran upstairs, got smacked by dad a few minutes later for breaking a mirror, slept for eighteen hours, then barely left her room or got off her bed for another month.

-Parent tried to “talk” to her -> she’d get angry and at some point start kicking and punching the walls to make them give up because I am using my words, you’re not listening to my words -> they’d give up for the day/night -> she’d get the rest of her emotions out until she was exhausted enough to curl back up on her bed and fall asleep -> repeat. During one of these tantrums she smashed her own mirror because her dad had threatened before to put padding up on her walls if she kept kicking them, and her mom was keeping the dogs away from her.

-The dogs were kept away from her that whole time. Her parents used it as punishment. A "Well, if you're going to keep acting like that, we can't trust you around the dogs" before her mom would walk out. Shep and Sheba didn't often come upstairs, but they were kept downstairs at this point and if one of them did follow everyone upstairs in the evening, they were sent back down just as quickly to keep them away from Adams' door.

-”Tantrums” (were absolutely meltdowns)

-She very nearly got into a physical fight with Ollie in that month - she was having trouble getting back to sleep with a (still there) migraine and Ollie slept with his door open and lamp on, so the light from his room was coming in under her door. She got so worked up that she went out to go close his door, as she was turning back heard him pull it back open so turned around to do it again, and he reached out to hold it still. She told him to turn the light off if he wanted the door open, got told no so went to do it herself, and he grabbed hold of it roughly enough trying to block her that when she pulled it away from him, it yanked him out of his bed with a bit of a bang. He got up off the floor, got hold of her arm, said he’d break it, tried pushing her out the door again. She told him to let go of her, and by then they were both shouting until she shoved him really hard to get him to let go, right back into the side of his bed/against his bedside table before she ran back to her room. Mom was not happy with her.

-Sometime during this month her mom did come to speak to her on a night she was just Tired, and apologized “for whatever we did” with a nice dose of “but what you did and the way you’re acting now is still so much worse.”

-Nobody else ever knew about any of it. Her parents never let anyone know, it had to be kept quiet once she was back at school.

-NYC really amplified her problems with solid food. She felt too sick to eat much of anything for those last weeks/that first month back and she’s been even more sensitive to it ever since. And never really eating at all if she’s anxious and/or nauseous makes her feel even sicker.

When she did get hungry enough during that first month back, she’d wait until everyone was asleep to go downstairs and get a snack because she didn’t want her parents to feel like they’d won. It also gave her a chance to see and talk to the dogs. She owed them some overdue apologies.

-There were multiple nights she thought about sneaking out to go to the yard like she used to. She couldn't force herself to do it without Sadie. Shep and Sheba didn't do anything wrong, she just couldn't stand the thought.

-She doesn't often drink something strong, never tries anything else in those lanes. She tried once in NYC, spooked herself, hasn’t touched any of it since. She absolutely loathes the smell of cigarettes and couldn't be convinced to have one.

-That little bunny she got? Very mixed feelings about it. It never got a name. Just a very soft bunny. Sometimes she’d throw it as hard as she could against the wall and pick it up just to throw it again, others she’d feel so guilty she’d start crying. She still has it just sat on her desk with a little cat ornament to keep it company. If he notices it somehow on the rare occasion he’s in her house, her dad will comment on the fact she still has it. It’s really none of his fucking business.

-Since that vacation she got even shorter with her dad and she has not walked next to him since. If he drifted over to her when they were out somewhere, she’d drop back and go around her mom’s other side to get away from him or just stay back behind everyone. She doesn’t know if he really noticed it was entirely intentional, but she really hopes he did. Icicles don't soften when they die (they sharpen into sabers and they stab you in the eye) etc etc

-She didn't have too many friends in school. When there was a group she'd hang around in high school, a lot of it was friend of a friend with only one or two people she was semi-close with. Post-NYC she just wasn't very interested at all.

-She and her ex knew each other since they were kids. Like kids-kids. Lived walking-distance apart. Same schools, class, etc etc. Their parents (more their moms) were friends and it was always kinda joked about that the kids with so much in common were best friends.

That friendship paused/cutoff when Jack switched schools in 7th grade and they went to different high schools but they saw each other again during the months post-NYC thanks to their moms. Her tantrums were dying down but she was also nearing over a month of barely leaving her room and barely eating, so her parents brought in the Old Friend. When her parents started going out with Ollie again, to walk the dogs or something, they left Jack to make sure Jess didn’t leave the house/do anything while home alone.

She was not having it - it took a while for her to open up at all to him being around. She wouldn’t let him past the threshold of her room if he came up to say something or give her some work mom or dad wanted her to do. One of the big moments was when she decided to go see the horses and had to bring him with. She put him on Zephyr and they went to the field and Shep decided to sit with him when they stopped. He won over two pets. +2 to getting to know each other (again)

She never told him a lot, but he knew a bit more than her parents. They're the only people (until House) who know anything at all.

-Jack had another tuxedo named Tom when they were younger, so when she first saw his cat once they were really friends again she thought he was Tom. Jack broke the news. This tuxedo was also named Tom. Every tuxedo Jack ever had was named Tom.

-Next time they planned a vacation, she didn't go. Dad wanted her to, tried guilt-tripping her into it plenty of times, but she wasn't budging and she was nineteen by then so he couldn't use that to push her. She stayed home alone with the dogs and it was great. Jack brought Tom II over for a few days which was fun. Tom made good friends with Sheba.

Timeline: 16 on June 28th -> Dragged on vacation on the 5th of July -> Home on the 19th -> Eighteen days (6th of August) at home before she ran away -> Two months in NYC before she went home -> About five weeks spent Not Doing Well -> Mom got her back to school as soon as she could once she was "doing better"

[lythea-creation]

What Could Have Been - Hiba x fem reader (Chapter 2)

Previous Chapter

warnings: none

word count: 953

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After my experience with Hiba she had started giving me disapproving, sometimes taunting looks whenever I walked past her.

From time to time I could also hear her making fun of me with Tasneem.

That was my clear sign to give up on her. My self esteem surely was not as low as to attempt befriending her again.

I kind of settled on getting by instead of having a great time. It was my last school year anyway and I was sick on starting fresh over and over.

Being alone was better than this drama. Less risky in general.

After school I was mostly at home, retreating to my hobbies. If I was in the mood for it I would also go out on a walk.

I needed the time to reset after the stressful school week.

Unfortunately my mom did not understand that, or most likely did not care.

She took me to one of her events, underlining how much it would hurt her image if I did not come along and behave.

After all there was going to be a kid in my age as well and we were supposed to spend time because our parents knew each other.

I would probably never get this logic, but I did not have a say in it anyway.

So reluctantly I tagged along, not wanting my mom to make my life even more of a hell for missing out on this event.

It was pretty fancy or in other words boring and fake.

I caught myself wishing for the person my age to make all of this more bearable, until I reminded myself that I did not even know who it was.

After about ten minutes my mom talked to another woman who suggested that I should go out with the other girls as the area was supposed to be popular around teens and they wanted to talk about business.

Why did they drag as along if they did not want us here?

I agreed, assuming time would at least pass faster.

But I regretted that quickly as I got to know that her daughter was Tasneem.

It only seemed to get worse as I found out that she had invited Hiba as well because she had not wanted to be stuck here on her own.

I hated my luck.

The smile on the faces of the girls faded for a second when they recognized me, although they immediately put on a fake one in front of our moms.

As soon as we were outside and had put enough distance between us and the restaurant the event was at, they stopped and turned to face me.

“I can't believe they forced us to go with you”, Hiba stated, her voice dripping with disgust and annoyance.

“You don't seriously think I'm happy about this, do you? I didn't wanna come in the first place”, I complained.

“Why don't we just split up then?”, Tasneem considered.

“To get into trouble because she screws it up in some way? No, thanks”, Hiba proposed. “Let's just go into some stores together to pass time.”

Of course they wanted to go and try on some clothes. Another time I did not get a say.

I had to follow them around.

In the beginning I dared to pick up some clothes myself, but the way they were whispering and laughing in my direction made me put them back without trying them on.

Instead I was scrolling on my phone to zone out.

It worked out pretty well until I felt my phone buzz inside my pocket when we were walking down the busy street.

I stopped in my tracks and took it out, not daring to walk while looking down with all those people around.

Great! My phone had died on me. Apparently my scrolling had been more excessive than I had thought.

Suddenly I realized that I was not wandering around on my own and looked up to search for Hiba and Tasneem.

No sight of them.

I groaned in frustration.

Could this day get any worse?

I walked around in the attempt to find them, which was pretty ironic as I was usually avoiding them.

After a while I gave up, sitting down on a bench, close to the main street.

I was still scanning the crowd for the familiar faces though.

To my surprise I was able to spot Hiba a few minutes later.

She was turning around wildly.

Was she searching for me? She did say that she did not want to get into trouble …

It was still weird to see the worried expression on her face replacing her usual scowl or mocking smirk.

I made my way over to her, tapping her shoulder.

She turned around immediately, anger and confusion evident on her face.

I could hear her mumble my name, although it was almost drowned out by the noises of the people around us.

“Where the hell have you been?”, she ranted. “Why didn't you answer your fucking phone?”

“I got lost in the crowd and my phone's turned off. It's empty”, I explained calmly.

Her behavior was irritating me to be honest.

Hiba moved her hand through her hair, before she sighed and called Tasneem to tell her she had found me.

We all met up and decided to get some ice cream to calm down.

For the rest of the day I could not help but wonder about Hiba's strange behavior. Tasneem had been way more casual about the situation.

What was wrong with Hiba? It was not like I owed her to know where I was.

It all did not make any sense.

-------------------

Hey guys! I know it's been forever since i last update for alrawabi. Thank you all for your patience! I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Feel free to make suggestions for the following chapters.

Shoutout to @wireheadbird for making suggestions for this chapter.

[treezxu]

Hai :3 do u have any wacky wild michael hcs

oh do i!

both adult and teen. loser has been on my mind again.

He gets super fucking cold for no reason and blamed it on ghosts until after fnaf 6 where he brought it up as a joke and the ghost kids were like "...none of us did that" and now he's convinced theres a whole extra ghost after him. (it was cc he didnt mean to initially but cassidy thought it was funny)

He talked to the animatronics all the fuckin time. like he just. chatted with them. especially the fnaf 2 ones. charlie had to sit there and watch him talk to actual robots thinking they were kids. they werent and she told him that in fnaf 6 because she found it so fucking funny

clumsy as HELL i know that man was banging his knee in the SL vents and swearing under his breath

teen mike was also clumsy. probably split his lip on concrete all the time as a kid.

he was also the kinda kid to say "nah, check this out!!" and wake up in the hospital

this is a gross one but. he dealt with bugs a lot post scoop (especially. flies. and what comes with them. iykyk). he'd come into work on mondays smelling like a can of bug repellant. you wont believe what he showers with instead of water.

He was williams least favorite but they had a weird relationship between him moving out and elizabeths death. like some days william despised him and michael just wanted to blow them both up with his mind and some days he comes home like "Hey mike whats up want some pizza for dinner tonight?" and michaels like "fuck yeah why not."

he's henrys favorite afton as a teen and he knows it. and he uses it. Henry fuckin loved that kid he had the man wrapped around his finger. William also notices it and he gets mad at henry over it.

in relation to that, henry was really gentle with michael which was. not helpful im sorry 😭

mike sleeps pretty casually. hes not a light sleeper but not a deep sleeper. unless hes tired. if he hasnt been getting enough sleep youll know because he sleeps like a ROCK.

he fucking loves italian food. for no reason. he just does

he unironically eats beans on toast. He tried it as a joke and then just. never stopped.

he still has his foxy mask it just doesnt fit him. he tries it on again and it hurts his head

cannot afford to go out to eat often and GOD does he complain about it. he is SO FUCKING LOUD when he complains about it. he wants his takeout man

Loves animals but they hate him. A crow tried to take a bite out of him post scoop once nad he had to fight for his life. bro saw his family for a moment there

he is so polite most of the time but if you talk to him after his shift he'll fuck you up. rudest bitch on the block and he was an asshole teen so he knows how to run his mouth

he plays solitaire.

does not know about the context but whenever hes depressed he says "tomorrow is another day" because time moves on anyways!!!! also idk i think its neat

he ate shit in the middle of his shift once and bashed his face on one of the counters and his coworker found the blood the next day and managed to start a rumor that someone died there until michael came in to work with his face bandaged up.

these are so rambly but funny so im gonna keep going

skateboards <3 totally tried to show off and ate shit until william told him if he went to the hospital again he'd take the skateboard. he still ate shit. just hid it better.

taught evan to do a lot. If he didnt feel like bullying him (for an array of reasons, but the biggest is just. boredom. or loneliness. or a mix) he'd teach him something just because he could. skipping rocks, flying a kite. michael doesnt remember it very well but evan does

cassidy kicked him in the knee so hard he was limping for an hour and so he found the golden freddy suit and kicked it too at one point. she didnt feel it tho. and jumpscared him out of spite.

he loves dogs and once brought evan to see one because his friends were busy and he hates being alone and the dog bit the shit out of evan. foreshadowing.

oh yeah i totally think he gets lonely btw. do not leave that guy alone he will get very sad and pathetic!!!

im capping myself here because jesus christ.

[tallbluelady]

[ slow motion ]

Minthe hated leaving Daedalus in the morning, but she had promised Hythlodaeus and Panthea and the others at the Bureau her time in consultation. Lahabrea himself had a rather complicated creation to review and they needed all the help they could get. She dressed herself with a snap and checked the mirror to make sure her hair looked right before leaving.

"Minthe, my most beautiful, smartest, sweetest, dearest, beloved consultant, will you come here and kiss me before you go?" Daedalus asked, leaning against the door frame.

"I suppose I have time enough for a kiss..." she said.

Minthe wasn't expecting to be pulled into such a deep and passionate kiss as he knew she was in a hurry, but she let Daedalus pull her in by the waist anyways.

She felt the tingle of time magic on her lips with his breath as they met. It didn't make them tingle half as much as meeting his lips did, though. 

Daedalus still held the habit of a too-fast approach whenever they kissed, as if he couldn't believe that they were going to, despite the fact that they had slept together. This instance, however, Minthe was able to savor it. She could feel every nerve buzz in anticipation at their lips brushing, his fingers pressing on her waist, her arms around his neck.

Minthe was never one for physics, but she could understand how gravity was the pull between two objects now. How her body wanted - needed  - to meet with Daedalus' but had to wait to get through the density of time to reach it. Then... there. Warmth and sparks and bone and flesh at their collision. She felt wisps of her aether coil with his, pulling him closer in a way that transcended the physical.

She continued to sink into him, focusing on how their lips slid over each other. Minthe sucked on Daedalus' bottom lip, pulling it to taste with her tongue. It was pleasantly elastic in her mouth, and she gently nibbled it, careful to not sink her teeth too hard into the sensitive flesh.

Daedalus pulled back a little, likely to just kiss her again, but Minthe followed along greedily. Hadn't they kissed well over a hundred times, and hadn't there always been the push and pull between them? But time was stood still, far more still than what could be achieved with love alone. 

The delay from the last kiss to the fresh press of his lips had given Minthe's time enough to grow excited again when they met again. And again, and again...

*   *   *

Minthe was panting by the time they broke and Daedalus was slumped against the wall taking deep breaths.

"Oh, darling, that must have drained you of so much aether," she started to pull out her foci to heal him.

"Ye-yes, well, I think it was worth it, don't you?" His face was split in a dopey grin.

She gave a worried smile and cupped his face. "It makes me worried you'll fall into a time attack, darling."

"I'll eat breakfast once you leave. Eggs, toast, the works. I'll keep the vial of essential oil next to me all day, too."

Minthe sighed. She couldn't very well tell Daedalus to stop experimenting, could she? He had to expand his abilities somehow. "Just take it easy for the rest of the day. You probably should have waited til I got home from the Bureau to try that."

"Oh, it would have been much more than a kiss if I had waited for you to come home. This was a trial run of sorts."  

She paused, then groaned. "Daedalus, now I'm thinking of the sexy implications of that and I have to talk to other people."

"Oh, how very naughty of me..." he said cheekily.

Minthe snorted, patted his cheeks, and kissed Daedalus on the nose. "Well, be a good boy and eat your breakfast when I leave. You'll need your energy for later."

(Daedalus is @azure-dragonsinger!)

[kawaiichibiart]

I can't find it (although chances are I never posted it :/), but to this day I think about the post where I share possibility of past akuma victims just, remembering everything. All of them remember.

All. Of. Them.

And, it just sets off this series of support systems.

Individual and group therapy is something that is set up for those who need it.

August's mom starts a forum after her son starts remembering his time as an akuma, and it leads to more parents speaking up about their children, very young children, having nightmares and needing to sleep with their parents or older siblings because their memories as an akuma is hitting them hard.

People who work call off in order to process what's going on.

School gets cancelled for a brief period (like maybe a week or two) of time, some students stay home for longer.

Friends support each other whenever the memories get too intense.

We see so much support and love between everyone who remembers and is remembering...

...but then we have Adrien.

Adrien who can't bring himself to look for support. Adrien who feels like he shouldn't get help.

Everyone who's been akumatized is remembering what they did, what happened, and people can back up what's happened with clear evidence (articles, blogs/vlogs, clips from past livestreams or news reports, etc.) but he doesn't have that.

Chat Blanc's timeline is gone and Ephemeral's was reversed. There is no existing evidence that he's been akumatized. No one remembers he was akumatized, except for Marinette.

Marinette, who's Ladybug.

Ladybug, who's kept things from him. His akumatization, the fact she must of planned on having him reveal his identity just to not tell him hers (and she must of planned on having Viperion in on it, too, which makes it worse).

The girl he no longer knows if he can trust.

He doesn't have anyone who can support him. He doesn't want to say anything in case people thing he's making it all up.

After all, can he prove Chat Noir got akumatized, killed everyone in Paris, maybe even France, split the moon in half and almost killed Ladybug again? Could he prove he was Ephemeral and helped his father win (and God, if that isn't just another peachy thing to find out)? That Ladybug lost her Miraculous because he couldn't break out of his father's control?

He's remembering killing the people he loves and finding his mother (fuck, his mom is under his house) and not being able to resist the akuma and the world ending and being alone surrounded by water and just the continuous thought of "I killed them...it's all my fault..."

He's alone, moreso than he normally is. He shows to school and photoshoots looking dead. He slowly stops talking to his friends, eventually stops showing up to school (Nathalie informing them that he's unwell, since that's what he told her) and eventually leaving Paris to find someone he can talk to because his memories won't leave him alone.

No one knows where he went. No one knows where Chat Noir went. Both of them just, vanished. No one knows why. They can't come up with a reason for him to run.

Nino thinks he's runaway after finally having had enough of how Gabriel treats him, and he took advantage of everyone remembering their akumatizations to leave.

Lila thinks he didn't run away and instead was shipped off to who knows where in case Hawkmoth/Shadowmoth/Monarch sends out an akuma and he he can target past victims who have this new found guilt, she'd just hate it if she got turned back into Volpina or Chameleon and target him :(

Some people think Chat Noir is running away from his responsibilities. Some think he ran away to get real training, maybe an extra weapon in case he needs it.

Meanwhile, Marinette is having a crisis, because if everyone is remembering what happened while they were akumatized....but the time line got erased. Chat Noir couldn't possibly... he'd find a way to leave his Miraculous with her, right? Maybe he wanted to prove he could still be a reliable hero? Maybe she's looking too deep into it (look deeper, honey, you hit the nail on the head, keep hitting it and be a better partner).

I honestly don't know where Adrien would go, part of me wants to say London, because if he could vent to anyone who might possibly believe him, it could be to Felix. Part of me wants him to literally still be in Paris/France, just with a new found ability to wield shadows and be able to hide in them without being noticed. And yet another part of me wants him to run to an entire different continent and leave everything behind.

Just, it's one of the worst ways he can find out what secrets are/were kept from him, and he's not able to say anything because:

He can't know anybody's secret ID, despite it being important he does in case he has to get help on the off chance Ladybug can't (she's captured, she's affected by the akuma's powers, etc.). Look what happened when he found out who Ladybug was. Death on the one hand and his father winning on the other.

Ladybug likely had to go through so much in order to defeat Chat Blanc, why would she want to hear his POV about it? The damage was reversed. He should be happy everyone is still alive alive again after he killed them.

Ladybug is the Guardian, of course she had to know his secret identity. Right? Maybe if she didn't hand out the miraculous, Fu would have and he'd know everyone's secret ID. But she's the Guardian now, so it has to be important for her to know who holds what Miraculous.

He should have known his father was the villain this whole time. Wow, you lived with the villain and didn't suspect him at all? You could have saved time by taking them time to look further into things, but no.

He got akumatized twice and the second time he just handed his miraculous over. It doesn't matter that he wasn't in control, maybe this is a sign he doesn't deserve a miraculous, let alone one of the two most powerful.

[sl33paholics]

Can't Be Fulfilled

Jotaro Kujo x Black!Female reader

Warning(s): Mentions of divorce, infidelity, domestic v¡olence, arguing, angst, listen the shit is depressing alr? Felt like writing one bc I got tired of the smut. Can be triggering into some readers.

We're close to 40 followers. Thx everyone 🤲🏾

"I don't think this is going to work anymore..."

You stood near the bedroom door with your hand on your elbow, looking at your husband on the bed before staring at the other side of the room as your eyes quickly met the ground. The room was completely silent, save for the quiet sounds of your breathing and the sound of your heart beating in your chest.

"What do you mean?"

You flinched. "Just... I'm tired of this. All of this, Jotaro." You sighed, turning your head slightly toward him. "All of it...this is too much. Days, weeks, hell, even a month of you being away because of your work, it's not fair." Your voice was barely audible through your closed teeth. Tears stung your eyes, but you weren't ready to give in yet. You had been trying so hard not to break down, but it just wasn't working out. You had tried to keep it together for years but it wasn't possible anymore. You watched as Jotaro put his book aside on the nightstand right next to the bed and sat straight up, facing your direction. "It ain't fair...for me...for Jolyne." He opened his mouth to say something, but you interrupted him, continuing. "And it's not fair for you either, Jotaro." His expression grew grim after your last statement, knowing that he had failed you once again, but he wasn't expecting this.

"Y/N...don't tell me what I think you're trying to say." His tone sounded more serious than usual. "Are you saying...you want us to split up? Is that what you're getting at? Y/N...we can make this work. We always have-"

"Yes," you said quietly. "I tolerated your absence for these years but you have to understand how things are now, Jotaro. Our daughter is growing up and as the years go by I don't want her to..." You paused. "Not this again."

Jotaro didn't let you finish. "She's seven years old." You wanted to respond but Jotaro continued anyway. "I work my ass off to provide for this family. I try. You know I try, Y/N. Every day." He took a deep breath and stared at his hands resting in his lap. "To keep both of you safe. To make sure we'll be okay. And this is how you repay me? With this? This bullshit? This stupid fucking arrangement of yours?" The tears were streaming down your face silently now and you felt yourself crumple into yourself further. Jotaro finally stood up. "We've had this conversation before, Y/N."

"I'm sorry," you choked out between sobs. "I'm sorry, Jotaro, I am. But you have to listen to me." Your voice was small and soft. "You don't know how many times Jolyne asks me when you're going to be home or if you're coming back, at all. When I'm bathing her, her bus dropping her off, braiding her hair, or even reading her to sleep."

Jotaro scoffed and stepped closer to you. "She misses her daddy." You could feel his eyes bore holes into you. "Even if she doesn't talk about it." He stopped close enough to touch you but still far enough not to scare you.

"She does," Jotaro responded. "But we shouldn't split up over this Y/N I told you whenever I got the job, that I won't be here as often. I'll try to respond when I can or if I have time off. What about that can't you understand?" Jotaro's voice rose with each word, becoming louder until you were sure the neighbors would hear what he was saying. You bit your lip and averted your eyes from his gaze. The truth was, you hated when he used this argument against you. It made everything hurt. Made everything worse.

"Do NOT try to pin this on ME!" you clapped back, seeing Jotaro startled, which is rare. "Of course I understand! I'm not stupid, JoJo! If it wasn't for your goddamn job, we wouldn't be having this discussion! Talking to me as if I have no damn sense, I supported you when you were pursuing your degree!" finally turning to look him in his ocean eyes. "Can't you see our marriage is falling apart?!" Your voice broke at the end. "I make sure to text you every morning, leave a voicemail every time you don't pick up the fucking phone, even LETTERS! It makes me believe something happened to you!" you continued.

"That's because I'm WORKING! I can't be on or even near my phone every second of the hour to respond to you. What's wrong with you, woman?!" Jotaro shook his head. "You have to understand that I'm stressed out too, you know? Not only with work but make sure to at least keep in touch with you every time I have the chance to!" he shot back. You pushed him out of your way, angrily stomping out of your shared bedroom into the hallway. Jotaro followed behind you as if his life depended on it and you heard him call you an idiot. You ignored him. You kept heading towards the living room.

Jotaro came to a halt when he saw packed luggage on the ground. "What the fuck is this?" he asked.

"I'm serious, Jotaro. This isn't going to work out no more," you replied without looking at him. He grabbed you by your arm and spun you around to face him. You tried to yank your arm out of his grasp but failed, you were nowhere near his level of strength. The sharp pain of being pinned against the wall. "Let go of me-" "You got some damn nerve!" Jotaro roared out in your face, quickly shutting you up. "Y/N, we are NOT getting this divorce! We've had our ups and downs, I admit that. But we always work it out one way or another, you're NOT leaving me for another guy who you think that's ten times better than me!" "Ten times better?" you echoed incredulously. Jotaro looked like he was getting ready to explode, the veins in his forehead bulging dangerously, and his lips turned downward into a frown. "I never said I was cheating on you, I wouldn't do that! Just because we don't have sex as much anymore, doesn't mean I would cheat!" you screamed.

Nothing but back and forth. It was for certain that your neighbors could hear you two bickering and the police were called. If only you two could see the green-eyed little girl peaking through her slightly cracked door watching and clutching onto the dolphin plushie her dear father gifted on her birthday. The sad expression on Jolyne's face watching her parents argue. She knew it was bad news. It was very alarming news. Sickening. Disgusting. Horrifying. Jolyne was scared and confused. She knew her parents loved each other deeply. How could they fight like this?

"You ain't leaving. That's final." Jotaro stared into your dark brown-colored eyes before letting your arms go, watching you slowly slip to the ground as you slightly sobbed in your hands. He stood there before kneeling to your level, gently wrapping his arms around you, embracing you in a hug. "I'm sorry, dear," Jotaro said quietly. "I know it feels like I'm abandoning you, but please believe me when I say we will work this out, together." You nodded, sniffling and leaning further into his hold. You closed your eyes and gave into his embrace.

You can't help but be disillusioned.

[total-drama-takes-takes-2]

tti episode 13

warning: this chapter contains content that may be triggering for those with emetophobia, or those who are easily grossed out! please proceed with caution

“Last time, on Total Takes Island: the teams- or what’s left of them, anyway- competed in an all-out extreme sports challenge. The ever-failing Fujoshis finally secured themselves a win due to Julia’s sabotage backfiring and stunning the team with Austin’s surprisingly well-built bod. Ultimately, a distracted Courtney sent him flying and sent him home. Who will almost die today? And who will survive to see the merge? Find out now, on Total! Takes! Island!”

An air of anxiety hangs around the mess hall as the few remaining campers enter. Kelly looks tired, dejected, even a little slouchy despite their normally perfect posture, though they lead both teams in like a war hero into battle. 

Staci follows, attempting to comfort their friend with sweet nothings as Julia and Scruffy both listen in on their conversation, the former whispering what to write down as the latter takes notes. Michael is next, Max close behind. Both refuse to look at each other, expressions of pure contempt on their faces whenever they cross paths. 

McLovin stays between Courtney and Bonnie, nervously using both of them as a shield from Michael. Scary is last, skipping along merrily. 

Julia turns around, watching them hum to themselves. “How is that thing still in the running?”

Scruffy shrugs. “Scary's been flying under the radar, doing well at challenges when need-be. Plus, there’s always someone more hate-able in the running, right?”

“Right. Well, at least that other clown is gone,”

Kelly’s head whips around and they glare sharply, sending a shiver through Julia as the teams take their seats as Chris had instructed over the intercom that morning. 

“Congratulations, remaining ten campers! It’s honestly a miracle most of you have made it this far,” Chris pauses, looking between Staci and Scary. “Nonetheless, you’ve all reached the halfway point in the competition! Next week is our merge, which means our remaining two teams will become one, and it’s everyone for themselves. But for today’s episode, we have a little twist for you.”

Chef comes out of the kitchen, holding a set of cue cards. “Your teams today will be split into two new ones: team #1 will be Bonnie, Julia, Scary, Kelly, and Scruffy. Team #2 will be Michael, McLovin, Max, Staci, and Courtney. I’d rearrange yourselves now- things are about to get messy,” he shakes his head, walking into the kitchen. 

The campers stare at each other in a mix of shock and terror. Staci clutches Kelly’s hands. “No! You can’t separate us, I won’t allow it!”

Chris rolls his eyes and a few interns run in, grabbing Staci’s arms and dragging her over to the other side of the room. Courtney gives Bonnie a nervous wave goodbye and walks ahead while McLovin lags behind, looking pale. 

Michael glares at him, then at Max, who glares back. Julia cheers, much to Michael’s annoyance, and hugs Scruffy. 

---

MICHAEL: “You know, I’m starting to get a little fed up with that two-faced fake-blonde freak.”

---

“Well, I guess we’re stuck together,” Michael sighs. 

Max rolls his eyes. “You don’t have to sound so pissed about it, it’s one challenge,” 

“One challenge too many,”

“Oh, what? Mad that your little friend found someone better?” Max snaps, looking in Julia and Scruffy’s direction. “For once, I can’t even say I blame her.”

“Eat me,”

Staci ignores the commotion, picking at their nails while looking forlornly across the room. McLovin and Courtney look between the two as they argue, the former somewhat relieved that the hostility isn’t directed towards him, the latter just confused. 

Julia watches the scene from across the room, smiling slightly. 

---

JULIA: “Honestly, I cannot believe I wasted so much time and energy fighting over Michael when Scruffy was right here. I guess I should keep her on my side for the merge, but still… all that drama for what? A chick who can’t do anything but whine and argue? Um, yeah, I’ll take my chances with the egghead.”

---

She turns to Scruffy. “Still allies after the merge?” she smiles sweetly, holding out a hand. 

They nod, shaking it. “For sure,” and then they return to taking down notes. 

“If you’ll look at your table, you’ll notice there’s no breakfast! Worry not, you’ll be eating soon,” Chris continues, pacing around the room. “Oh, and this is also a non-elimination challenge, so worry not about failing! The winners, however, will be treated to a weekend cruise!”

Most of the camper’s jaws drop. 

---

KELLY: “Austin would’ve loved that…”

---

STACI: “I really like the idea of a cruise- or anything to get me away from here, TBH- but what’s the point if I don’t have anyone to enjoy it with? I mean, have you seen my team? You might as well call us the haters!”

---

Bonnie packs up their final things, giving Courtney a small wave goodbye before holding their breath in anticipation and walking to Team 1’s cabin. 

They open the door, peering inside, and seeing no one. Breathing a sigh of relief, they set their bag down on an empty bed and smile just as something grabs their ankle from below. They scream. 

“WHAT-”

Scary somersaults out from under the bed. “This one’s mine. You get Michael’s,” they grin wickedly, pointing to an upper bunk across the room. Bonnie swallows a lump in their throat and nods, walking over to an unmade but vacant bed. 

Kelly walks inside seconds after in a towel, fresh out of the communal showers. They sit on their bed and begin their usual post-shower routine, lotioning their legs and dousing themselves in perfume. Bonnie coughs. 

Julia storms in seconds later. “WHO ate my gummy worms?”

Bonnie jumps, startled, and then looks around the room. Everyone else ignores her. 

“Um, freak! I’m talking to you!” she says, pointing an accusing finger in Scary’s direction. 

Scary sticks her tongue out and sits next to Kelly, leaving Bonnie completely alone on the other side of the room. “I know you took them!” Julia says. 

Kelly smiles at Scary. “I love your nails,”

“It’s blood,” Scary grins back, wiggling their bright red fingers. “Don’t worry, it’s not mine,”

“You! Goth-y!” Julia snaps, pointing at Bonnie. “Where are my gummy worms?”

They roll their eyes. “Jesus, calm down, queen bee” 

Julia steps closer, getting in Bonnie’s face. “Watch it,”

“Oh, God,” Kelly murmurs, sighing dramatically. 

“Ugh, you're all such drags! I’m staying in Scruffy’s side of the cabin!” Julia huffs, storming outside.

Bonnie blinks. “Is she… always like that?”

“Um… I suppose so,” Kelly shrugs. “I just tune her out.” Scary nods along in agreement. Bonnie raises an eyebrow. 

---

Michael finishes unpacking their things in their new cabin, looking between Courtney and Staci every few moments as everyone struggles to find something to talk about. 

Finally, Courtney gives in. “Let’s… um, go outside, I think the guys are already waiting for us,”

The other two murmur in agreement and follow them out, where, sure enough, McLovin and Max are standing on opposite sides of the porch. 

“Ready?” Courtney smiles. Max glares, surprising them slightly and forcing them to take a step back, like he might bite them. 

“Let’s just try not to lose,” he says, walking off. Courtney jogs after him, trying to catch up. 

“You know, for someone with short legs, you walk really fast,” they chuckle. 

Max turns and gives them a stare so icy it feels like a bite. Courtney moves away from him. 

---

COURTNEY: “So, I was sort of a team leader for the Fujos, which are now dissolved, and I’m pretty sure this guy Max was leading the Anons. Some kind of agreement to share power is in order, but I don’t want to step on any toes here, so I thought- hey, what’s the worst thing that could happen from talking it out?” 

---

McLovin, Michael, and Staci lag behind, with the latter conveniently placed between the two as they rattle on about something Michael isn’t really listening to. 

“And that’s how my uncle Steve started his own magic supply franchise,” she nods, finishing the story with a confident smile. 

“Wow, your family is really awesome,” McLovin smiles. “My dad is just a stupid lawyer.”

“You’re always welcome to-”

“Is any of what you say actually true, or are you just making things up for your game?” Michael cuts in, crossing her arms. 

Staci frowns and lowers their eyes at her. “Kinning isn’t a game. And for the record, I don’t lie,”

“Really?”

They huff and speed up, leaving Michael and McLovin behind. He stares at her. “You know, you didn’t have to be so mean…”

Michael glares at him. “I just have a certain distaste for liars,” and then she disappears up ahead. 

---

“Today’s challenge is a personal favorite of mine- hell, what am I saying, they’re all personal favorites!” Chris laughs, tossing away the clipboard in his hands. It flies out the window and hits an intern in the head. “Now, normally, I’d find telling you all delightful, but I’m going to let our less-annoying Sierra take it away!”

Scruffy sighs, then steps up. “Today’s challenge is the brunch of disgustingness. We’ll be eating a nine course meal of the nastiest, grossest foods Chef can cook up. If I remember correctly, and if the recipes haven’t changed… let’s hope you guys have strong stomachs,”

---

SCRUFFY: “Oh, I’ve built up a tolerance to pretty much everything by now,” they say, counting the following on their fingers. “Bugs, poison, mud, blood, rocks, metal scraps, raw meat, moldy cheese, snot, spit, pre-chewed gum, flesh-like substances, glass- you name it, I’ve eaten it. The only thing I really can't stand is seeing other people vomit. As long as I focus on eating and don't think about throwing up, I should be fine!"

---

Julia frowns, scooching closer to Scruffy as they step back into the crowd and holding their hand. “Coach me through this?”

“Um… yeah, for sure,”

Michael watches the two with a deep frown and turns to her own team, surveying the options- McLovin is weaving a braid out of a few strings hanging from his shirt, Staci is biting their cuticles off, and Max-

“Don’t even think about it,”

That settles that. Michael steps next to Courtney, standing side-by-side with them as they look longingly at Bonnie alone on the other team. 

“Each member of each team must finish each dish to win., Chris chuckles. “Chef, the first course, if you please!”

Chef wheels out a cart of covered dishes, and sets each at a place at the tables. The contestants sit with their respective teams. “You may now, dig in!”

Scruffy sighs and takes the metal cover off of the dish, revealing a handful of tiny sausage-like substances underneath. They turn to Julia. “Tune everything else out,”

“What? Why?”

“Trust me on this. These are just… cold sausages,” Scruffy holds one up, popping it into their mouth and chewing with ease. “See? No big deal.”

“Just cold sausages?”

“German, I think,”

Julia sighs, and then begins eating. Across the room, Michael turns to Courtney, who’s already downed half their plate. They follow suit, though eating at a much slower pace. McLovin chews while listening to Staci ramble on through a mouthful of food, and Max completely ignores the commotion altogether. 

“Um…” Bonnie says, poking one with their fork. It makes a wet squishy noise. “What’re these?”

Scruffy covers Julia’s ears. Chris grins. “Oh, nothing, just a little beef testicle,”

A pale look crosses their face and they push away the plate. “Um… no, thank you,”

“Yeah, this doesn’t seem friendly for my diet?” Kelly says nervously, holding up a finger. “I’m not supposed to have processed red meat.”

“Oh, these aren’t processed,” Chris smiles. “They’re au naturale!”

Kelly looks squeamish. Scruffy uncovers Julia’s ears, still eating. Scary unhinges their jaw and swallows the tiny meats whole. 

“Ew, how can you do that?” Bonnie asks. “All at once? Beef testicle?”

“NO-” Scruffy starts, but it’s too late. Julia goes pale. “What?”

She stands and runs outside to throw up, which makes Scruffy follow suit. Bonnie and Kelly wince. 

Michael finally finishes her dish. 

“And this round goes to Team #1!” Chris announces. “Our next dish… pizza!”

The campers all collectively look at each other, suspiciously. 

“Jellyfish with live grasshoppers and anchovies,” Scruffy says, sitting back down with Julia, looking a bit dizzy. “I’ve tried it before, it’s not so bad!”

Chef distributes the platters, and everyone on Team #2 looks between each other as Michael stares in horror. 

---

MICHAEL: “Fish! Why did it have to be fish?!”

---

“Um… you want us to eat bugs?” Staci asks. “I mean, my great-grea-”

“They’re still alive!” McLovin shouts in terror. “I can’t eat them, it’d be wrong!”

“Are you really valuing the life of a bug over a win?” Max snaps. 

“Yes- no- I mean, I don’t know!”

Michael looks pale. Courtney notices and attempts to comfort her, putting a hand on her shoulder before hearing McLovin yelp and running over to hold him down while Max force-feeds him. 

Across the room, Team #1 is eating with no problem, everyone listening in as Scruffy describes the protein in the pizzas to Kelly. 

Scary giggles. “Mm, cheesy…”

“And…. Team #1 wins!” Chris announces. “You two are currently even. But what will this next round bring?” he grins as Chef wheels out the next dish. “That’s earthworm spaghetti with snail slime sauce, topped with some amazing gourmet hairballs!”

Chef grins. “Made it from scratch,”

“O-okay, we can do this,” Courtney says as the bowls are distributed. They begin chowing down, garnering looks of terror from their teammates. 

“If you just close your eyes and say “purple” while you’re eating, it’ll taste like beans!” Scruffy says merrily. “Learned it from a Buddhist monk while I was traveling in Nepal. See? Purple!” they swallow a bite with ease. 

---

SCRUFFY: “Yeah, I made that up. I've never even been out of the province. But we weren’t getting anywhere without help, so…”

---

Julia closes her eyes and takes a bite. “Purple!”

A round of “purple”s continue from Team #1’s table, as Team #2 watches on nervously. McLovin takes a slow bite, chewing in abject horror as Staci watches nervously. Michael follows, not wanting him to outpace her, and takes two bites before coughing, a hairball flying back onto the table. 

“Team #1! Two points!” Chris grins. “Our next dish is a staple in every classy restaurant- soup! Today’s special is French bunion with hangnail crackers and a chewy used-bandaid topping!”

Scruffy looks around for a moment before pulling the large straw from the glasses of water the contestants were provided (at Chris’ mercy). Their team watches, grins and nods, doing the same and slurping down their soup in no time. 

“Three points for Team #1, thanks to Scruffy!”

The team cheers, Julia especially loud. Michael glares, and turns to Courtney. “We gotta do something,” 

“Our next dish is a delightful chewed-gum salad,” Chef smiles, pulling a wad of white gum from his mouth and garnishing a dish with it before setting that in front of McLovin, who pales. 

Across the room, Scruffy grins confidently. 

“Okay, remember earlier when Julia barfed?” Michael mutters. “And Scruffy lost it like two seconds after?”

“Oh, shoot, you’re right. One of us has to barf to throw them off,” Courtney whispers back. “But who’d be willing to do that…?”

Michael sighs and turns to McLovin, already green. “Hey, we… need your help,”

Scruffy swallows each piece of gum with ease, the rest of the team following suit. Suddenly, McLovin rises to his feet, runs over to their corner of the room and vomits on the floor. 

“Nasty!” Chris shouts, turning just in time to see Scruffy turn greener than their hair and do the same. “Nastier!”

Scruffy runs out of the mess hall and into the confessional, holding their mouth until the door slams shut. The rest of the team winces as the sounds of violent groaning and liquid sloshing around follow. 

“Team #2, congratulations, that’s two points!” Chris beams as Courtney encourages McLovin to finish his dish. Scruffy walks back inside seconds later, paler than the white of the plates. 

Chef rolls his cart back out, carrying skunk-juice smoothies which are distributed amongst the campers with a grin. The Anons nod at each other, everyone having become aware of the plan through simple observation. Staci takes the dive next, bringing down Scruffy again. 

Three points for Team #2. 

Four points for #2 as Scruffy becomes paler and paler, dizzier and dizzier. Julia attempts to coach him. “Stop vomiting!” She screams as Michael runs out with a grin. 

Scruffy can’t hold it in anymore, and weakly coughs up some water. “Okay, that’s enough,” Bonnie says, moving to the bench across from the two. “We need to get something solid in you,”

Chef rolls out course number 8- a garbage-inspired stew. Bonnie winces. “Julia, do you think you could-?”

“On it,” she says, holding Scruffy still while Bonnie uses one hand to cover their eyes and the other to force spoonfuls of garbage into their mouth. They move at a rapid speed, both Bonnie and Julia eating while feeding Scruffy. 

“That’s another point for Team #1!” Chris shouts. “We’re at a tie- which makes this last dish the penultimate decider… dolphin dogs!”

Chef rolls out the final cart. Max raises an eyebrow. “I don’t get it. What’s the catch?”

Pan over to McLovin and Staci, who are in tears. “B-b-but… my mom’s third cousin trains dolphins, I can’t eat them!”

McLovin whimpers, holding his head in his hands and pushing away his plate. Courtney frowns and runs over to their side of the table to calm him down, leaving Michael alone. 

“I’m with them on this. I can’t eat a dolphin!” Kelly says while Scary chows down next to them. “Isn’t that cruel?”

“What’s cruel is losing the challenge because you’re too baby to eat some fish!” Julia snaps. 

Michael goes pale. “Fish?”

“Mammals,” Max corrects her. “And don’t feel bad about it. They’re known to be some of the most vile creatures alive.”

“Yeah?” she says, still wide-eyed and shaking. 

“Terrible. Murderers, rapists, you name it,” he says, taking a casual bite. “They’re like if you took the worst parts of humanity and made that a species. Just horrible.”

“But… they’re not fish?”

“No. They’re warm-blooded,” he continues. “I’m pretty sure this is healthier than whatever they put in normal hot dogs, too.”

Michael smiles slightly before taking a cautious bite. “Thank you,”

---

MAX: “I wasn’t trying to help her, I was just correcting her. There’s a difference.”

---

Bonnie finishes the dog and turns to Kelly, the only member of the team who hasn’t touched their plate yet. 

They turn, watching as Courtney manages to encourage Staci to take a bite, and then look back. “Hey, Kelly? Your boyfriend got voted out last week, right?”

Kelly nods. 

“Well… when I’m in a tough place, I ask myself what my best friend Caesar would do,” Bonnie says encouragingly. Julia rolls their eyes. 

“Isn’t it kind of stupid to follow the ways of a player who got eliminated?” she asks. Bonnie slams their fist on the table and glares at her. 

Julia seems taken aback for a moment, and then stands, scoffing and dragging Scruffy behind her out the door. 

Kelly thinks to themselves. “What would Austin do…? What would Austin do…? Austin would… he wouldn’t care about anything but having a good time, and- he’d want to enjoy this dog!” they say affirmatively, taking a bite. 

Bonnie cheers them on, watching between them and McLovin as he takes the tiniest bite of his dolphin sausage while Courtney massages his shoulders. 

---

BONNIE: “Do I miss Courtney? Yeah, of course. I could do without McLovin, but the team we had- when we weren’t losing, anyway- was really solid. At least from my perspective,”

---

The two remaining players cautiously eat their hot dogs as the teams look back and forth between them. A tear rolls down McLovin’s cheek. Kelly hums a groovy tune. 

Bonnie is the only team member left cheering as everyone else has disappeared when Kelly finishes first. 

“Team #1 has secured the win, and the weekend getaway!” Chris shouts. The other group groans, and stands, walking away. 

---

Scruffy and Julia sit in the far reaches of the island, looking over Scruffy’s journal as the sun sets. 

“What’s that?” Julia asks, seemingly every few minutes as they leaf through the book. 

“I’m not sure. I think it’s a squirrel with horns, but it’s impossible to properly identify anything,” Scruffy shrugs, setting the book away. “I’m not sure what it means, yet, but I’m gonna find out what’s happening on this island.”

“Ok, you do that,” Julia says before resting her head on their shoulder. “Tell me what you find.”

“I’ll try to remember,” they smile. 

Scary scampers through the canopy, chasing bats as the sun disappears. 

---

“Ok, whoever keeps leaving these things around is starting to get on my last nerve!” Max shouts, throwing a bundle of flower garlands out the window of the cabin. “Bugs, people!”

Staci shouts back from outside. “Well, excuse me for trying to lighten the atmosphere! I can’t help being the great-great granddaughter of a Parisian interior decorator!”

“Oh, yes you can!” Max yells before slamming the window shut. McLovin watches from a bunk across the room and opens his mouth to say something, but he’s immediately silenced. 

“Don’t even get me started on you, pool noodle,” Max says as he walks outside, slamming the door behind him. 

Michael is sitting on the steps of the porch, staring in the direction of the campfire pit. Max sits across from her, the two shooting occasional glares but neither having the energy to argue. 

After a while, Michael takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, resting her chin on her knees, which are pulled close to her chest in a defensive posture. Max stares. 

“Can I ask you something?”

“Is it going to be mean?”

“Depends,”

Michael thinks for a moment. “Yeah, okay,”

“Michael… that isn’t your real name, is it?”

She pauses, looking back up. “Um… no, it’s just something McLovin started calling me when he showed up. I didn’t even really choose it myself,” she smiles a bit. “And the funny thing is, he didn��t even use it. He called me Mikey for the longest time, and I hated it.”

“Yeah... I don’t blame you. What’s your real name, then?”

She seems to hesitate for a moment, listening to the sound of crickets and Chef shouting at the raccoons who broke into the kitchen again. Finally, she speaks. “Michela,”

Max thinks for a moment. “That’s a lot better than Mikey,”

“Hah, I guess,” Michael says, standing. “But it’s fine, I don’t want to bother with arguing over it. And if you think this is gonna be something more to torture me over, fire away, I’m used to it.”

She walks off into the cabin, closing the door behind her. Max sighs for a moment, holding his head in his hands before turning and seeing McLovin watching him through the window with a slightly frustrated expression. 

[geminiamethyst]

Skyline Gang: Fears (Misty)

1shot stories list: click HERE

Fears Summary: click HERE

This is a combined request from two of my followers on Wattpad. I’m also going to make this into a mini series to experiment with.

Enjoy!

This was one of the few times aside from the Christmas period and most other holidays that the Skyline was closed. This gave the staff time with their families, and the resident Skyline Gang to relax. On days like this they could do whatever they wanted. Sometimes they went out for day trips or just hung around the Skyline. They even had a whole day spent in their pyjamas as an over exaggerated sleepover party since the weather was that terrible. This time they decided to stay a little closer to home. It was time for a day at the beach. No need to go too far, just jump across the road, pick a spot and just do whatever they wanted. The best part was that they went quite early so the beach was mostly quiet. Just a few early morning swimmers and a couple of dog walkers.

Dude started off with a short swim, but then ended up being caught in a splash war with Candi, Pip and Sprout. Bud was with Rainbow exploring different rock pools and documenting what their findings were. Mimi was tanning, refusing to get her hair wet and full of sand. Misty was just sitting under a parasol that the Gang set up for some shade. She stayed safely perched on a towel, refusing to come off of it unless it was on her own terms.

Beaches weren’t really her thing. She loathed sand. It just gets everywhere. There was also something rather unsettling about it. It wasn’t serious, but she just felt a little uncomfortable whenever she ran on sand and her feet sunk in it. She always shook it off very quickly though. You can’t just fall through sand unless it was quicksand, right? Anyway, she was outvoted in what the Gang wanted to do today. She wanted to check out a haunted house tour, while Mimi wanted to go to the stupid spa and Bud wanted to go to some dusty, boring museum. Everyone else decided on the beach and got to a small compromise.

After a couple of minutes, the splash war ended. The four participants called a truce and decided to take a break. Pip sat next to Mimi to have a quick chat about nothing in particular while helping herself to a drink from the cooler that the Gang brought. Candi, Dude and Sprout had wrapped themselves up in their dry robes for a bit, just unsure what to do for a minute. Then Dude decided to check on Bud and Rainbow, curious as to what their discoveries were. Misty didn’t understand why Dude was such a nut for marine wildlife. It was just a bunch of fish. Nothing special. Candi and Sprout didn’t join him, finding what he wanted to do boring as well.

“Let’s build some sandcastles! I can go look for some shells!” Candi suddenly proposed. She loved building sandcastles. If she was lucky enough, she’d sometimes find tiny pieces of driftwood to play pretend as dolls. Sprout suddenly glanced at Misty. She had been sitting there on that towel doing nothing. Time to drag her into some fun, whether she wanted to or not.

“I’ve got a better idea! Let’s bury Misty!” He announced, getting to the spot between where Misty was sitting and where Mimi was tanning. It was a gap of a few metres so it shouldn’t bother Mimi too much. Misty smirked at the idea. Okay, she’ll play along for a minute. She still hated sand. So once Sprout buried her, she’ll just burst out and chase him as payback.

Suddenly, as Sprout started to dig a small pit for Misty to lie in, her heart rate spiked! She started to sweat a little, but it wasn’t from the heat of the day. Her pupils dilated a little as she found it hard to breathe. Something felt awfully wrong. Was she afraid? No, she can’t be afraid! She’s a mischief maker, she isn’t supposed to be afraid of anything. Sure she’s had a couple of scares before, but nothing this bad. It was like the only thing she ever knew was being afraid in just a split second.

“That’s not funny Sprout!” Misty suddenly shouted, getting to her feet. It was like a bomb had burst inside of her. Her voice was loud enough to catch everyone’s attention. Even Dude and Bud froze to the spot after having heard that.

“Take it easy, Misty.” Sprout stammered as he looked up at Misty. He shook a little as she glared down at him, angry and scared. He didn’t understand. One second Misty was smirking, then literally the next, she was like this. What was with her all of a sudden?

“Just stay away from me!” Misty shouted, and without warning, kicked sand at Sprout in retaliation. The kick was hard enough to spray sand at Sprout and nearly caught Mimi. Sprout raised his arms to protect his face. Thankfully none of the sand got in his eyes. Misty didn’t wait for the scolding. She just turned and ran away. Everyone else was still frozen in a state of shock and being appalled by Misty’s actions. Just like Sprout, they had no clue as to what was going on. Misty and Sprout have fought before, plenty of times. However, this time, everything felt different. Nothing in the air felt like it was in the past.

“What happened?” Pip asked, glancing back and forth between Sprout and where Misty was running to.

“I don’t know.” Sprout stuttered, shaking sand off of himself. “I was just joking about burying Misty in the sand, and then she just freaked out.”

Candi watched the entire exchange in silence. The two shells that she had found dropped from her hand. One pink, one a greyish white. She was going to give the grey one to Misty. Aside from the colour, both shells looked almost identical. They were opposites of each other. Just like Misty was Candi’s opposite. She felt like something was wrong before Misty had her outburst. It was sharp like a needle and spread like electricity. It was so sudden that she flinched from it. And a misty having such a moment like that, it was clear to Candi as to where it came from. She never had a feeling like this, but there was this instinct inside her. It told her what was wrong with Misty.

Before everyone could snap out of their stunned state, Candi started running after picking up her shells. She followed Misty’s sunken footprints. She could hear Sprout shouting after her, but he was stopped by Mimi. Everyone was letting Candi handle the situation. They collectively believed that she can work her magic in helping Misty. Candi was grateful that she was trusted with this. If anyone can get to the bottom of this, it’s her. She knows what’s wrong, but she needs to gently guide Misty to tell her on her own. She can’t force out the issue.

Candi continued to follow Misty to a rocky part of the beach. It was far enough away from the Gang where they couldn’t be heard. Good, they’ll have some privacy. That’ll make everything easier. Candi searched around for a minute. So far she couldn’t find Misty. Not to mention, Misty’s footprints had vanished, she must have scrambled over the rocks to keep herself from being discovered. Candi refused to give up. She needed to find Misty.

“Misty! Misty, where are you?” She called out over the screech of seagulls and crashing waves.

“Go away, Candi!” Misty’s voice rang out like a church bell. That didn’t deter Candi. It only strengthened her searching. She used that voice and her connections to Misty like a radar. If Misty responded back to Candi, it meant that she wasn’t too far away now. Candi searched a bit more, and found Misty at last. She was huddled against a rock, almost blending into it as she was in the shade. Her eyes were still wide like dinner plates, and her body was trembling as if she was a power tool at a construction site. She glanced up at Candi, unimpressed by her visitor. She curled up even more, as if she was trying to shrink herself to the size of a mouse.

“Misty? Are you okay?” Candi asked, remaining where she was standing. She can’t crowd Misty too much. She needs to be patient.

“I’m fine. Nothing is wrong.” Misty said. She tried to raise her voice, and wanted to order Candi to go away again, but she couldn’t. It was like she was tired and too weak to say anything else. She shook even more as she was mad at herself. She held herself tighter, her nails starting to dig into her skin. Candi bit her lip. She knows that Misty was lying. This only fuelled her to stand her ground even more. She doesn’t care if Misty pushes her away in the end. She’ll just keep trying. Cautiously, Candi knelt down on the sand after softly approaching Misty a little more. Misty tried glaring at her, but the best that she could do was frown a little.

“Misty, don’t lie to me.” Candi stated, her voice becoming firm. Don’t give up, but continue to be gentle. Misty’s frown lessened a little. “We’re opposites, we have a connection. I know when something isn’t right. You were afraid, weren’t you?”

Misty flinched as she sat up straight in surprise. Her frown was wiped away and was re0laced by a look of surprise. Waves and seagulls replaced the silence between the two girls. It was calming. Nature had that effect on anyone. Even Misty had to admit that nature’s magic worked on her. All the tension that she had just drained away.

“Can’t hide anything from you.” Misty shrugged in the end. She had a feeling that Candi won’t let this go that easily. “You might be ditzy at times, but you can be sharp when it suits you.”

Was that a backhanded compliment?

Oh well. Candi will take it without complaints.

She ended up sitting next to Misty, remaining silent. Let Misty take her time. She will tell Candi at her own time. If they stay here until the tide comes in or it starts to get dark, so be it. Candi knows that if she forces the issue, Misty will most likely shove her away and never talk about it again it again. Just let Misty come to Candi. Take the time that Misty needed.

“When Sprout said “let’s bury Misty” I thought that I should humour him. Let him have some fun for once before scaring him or something.” Misty started, smiling a little as she remembered her origins, plan. However, her smile faded as her shaking body shuddered even more. She just felt that awful feeling as she recalled that second that Sprout started digging and how it led to her lashing out. “But then…I don’t know…when he started to dig near me, I just…something really strange happened. I suddenly felt afraid. And do you know what the worst part was? I couldn’t even get the words out…I couldn’t say that I was afraid…”

Shouting, lashing out and getting angry. That was the automatic defence that Misty used whenever she needed it. Lashing out sometimes works, even if she gets grounded by Dude in the end. No doubt he might do it again if she doesn’t apologise to Sprout about kicking sand at him. But talking about her problems? She never thought to do so, because she thought that no one would listen to her. Especially with her track record of causing trouble. So to have Candi of all people to talk to felt nice. She felt better and almost forgot her troubles. Is this normal? Was she supposed to feel this uplifted? Whatever. She will ride this feeling for as long as she can, even if it lasts for a few seconds. Feeling Candi rub her back increased that feeling. Why did she never do this before again? Doesn’t matter anymore. Just as long as she’s not teased for it or something like that.

“Misty, it’s okay to admit when you’re afraid. There’s no shame in it.” Candi gently spoke, continuing to rub Misty’s back.

“Not for me!” Misty shouted, throwing her arms up in the air. Candi backed off a little. Just let Misty shout. She kind of needs it. “I’m Misty the Mischief! I’m not supposed to be afraid!”

“That’s not true. Being afraid, being scared, that’s what makes you human.” Candi smiled kindly and patiently. Misty stopped her rant. She couldn’t spit out any other protest. She just looked at Candi with another stunned look on her face. Seeing this, Candi continued. “It proves to yourself that you’re human, not just a being made up by magic. You’re your own person Misty. We’ve told you this before. It’s okay to be scared.”

Is it really okay to be scared? From the second that she woke up into the world, Misty believe that she couldn’t show that she was afraid. A couple of scares maybe. But the fear that she showed Candi and the others was different. Sometimes, Misty forgets that she’s human because of how she was created. A being made up by magic like her can forget like that. So to be reminded that she’s human felt nice. Just nice feelings like this, while it felt abnormal in a way, made her feel better. But as nice as this is, she can’t get too soft now. She’s got a reputation after all.

“Just don’t tell Sprout. I don’t want him to tease me.” She said, trying to bring up the tough girl act.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea…” Candi sighed a little. Misty stayed quiet. Best let Candi say her peace. “If you want my honest opinion, I’m sure that he’ll understand. Everyone will. We all have our fears, just like you.”

Misty blinked twice at that. Would they understand? They’re human, just like she’s meant to be, right? Like Candi said, having something to fear is part of human nature. So  they should understand. They’ve got their fears, so does Misty. There shouldn’t be any problems.

Candi smiled widely before getting to her feet. She didn’t hesitate in offering an open hand to Misty. The message was clear. Time to head back before the others get any ideas in trying to find them. Once Misty got to her feet, she was a little unsteady. Candi offered to help with balance but was refused. Misty took a few seconds, and finally she got a better centre of balance. Seeing that she was more steady, Candi continued to smile widely. She held out her hand, the grey shell in the centre of her palm. Misty hesitantly took it from her, knowing that she was being given this as a small gift. Usually, she wouldn’t care. This time wouldn’t have been any different. She changed her mindset when Candi showed her the pink shell. Both almost identical, just different colours. They were opposites of each other, just like Candi and Misty. Candi didn’t stop smiling and pulled Misty into a big hug. Normally, Misty would shove Candi away. She wasn’t big on hugs after all. However, for once, she allowed this. She honestly needed it. For the first time ever, she actually embraced Candi and her kindness.

After a few minutes, the two decided to head back to the others. Misty was calmer and just wanted to put this whole thing behind her. She snapped back to her normal self when she refused to hold Candi’s hand while they walked. Candi wasn’t put off by that like she normally would. It just told her that Misty was feeling better now. At least she didn’t leave her shell behind. She just delicately put it in her pocket. The walk was calming and didn’t have any more drama. As long as Sprout didn’t try to force Misty to be buried in the sand, everything should remain to be okay. Hopefully.

So far, everyone didn’t look upset. If anything, everything seemed to be normal. Bud was excitedly spouting out facts about the things he and Dude found in the rock pools to a very bored looking Pip. Mimi had moved to lie under the parasol now. She must have thought that she got too much sun. Dude was making a fuss of Rainbow. He had his dry robe off so he’s probably going to have another swim or something soon. Sprout was still digging at that one spot. Misty felt her skin crawl. He was going to bury her! He’s going to take revenge on her for kicking sand at him! He’s going to bury her alive! He’ll leave her to suffocate under the sand!

Candi sensed Misty’s distress immediately. She gently placed a hand on the mischief’s shoulder, Misty stared t her for a minute. No malice or teasing. Just a kind, understanding smile. Candi understands the dread she feels. So the others should too, right? Just as she was thinking that, Mimi spotted the two, lifting up her sunglasses to get a better look.

“Everything okay?” She asked as the two got closer. It caused everyone to stop what they were doing. All were curious and concerned.

“Yeah. Misty has something to say to Sprout.” Candi gently said, stepping away from Misty. Misty looked at her with wide eyes. Was Candi throwing her in the deep end like that?! Then Candi mouthed “apologise”. Oh. That. Okay, this she can do somewhat easily.

“I’m sorry for kicking sand at you.” Misty sighed, trying to sound as genuine as she could.

“So you should be!” Sprout said, getting to his feet. Dude, unimpressed by Sprout’s attitude, elbowed him in the arm. It snapped Sprout out of his grouchiness within a second. “I mean…no harm done.”

Well at least that’s part was over. However, Misty’s dread came back when her eyes fell on the hole that Sprout dug. It wasn’t deep. Just by a foot. It was long too. That wasn’t Misty’s height. Then again, Sprout probably didn’t think to check if it was accurate. He must have thought that as long as he gets her in there, he’ll happily take his revenge.

“Who is that for?” Misty asked, trying not to shake.

“Me apparently.” Dude muttered, scratching the back of his neck. So that’s why Dude had his dry robe off and the hole was the wrong length. It wasn’t intended for her after all. “But if you still want to-”

“No!” Misty shouted in fear. She can’t go in that hole! She won’t! Candi once again worked to calm her down. She tenderly rubbed her back, working her magic. Rainbow joined in as he sensed Misty’s discomfort. Misty stroked his head as she felt everyone else staring at her.

“Misty, are you okay?” Pip asked first. Misty looked at everyone, scanning them. Concern. That’s all she saw. And patience. No rushing, just silence. Seagulls crying out and waves crashing on the sand. There was the sound of a couple of families arriving and setting up their own spots. Even a couple of dogs can be heard barking. The scent of the sea made Misty feel much calmer. Candi rubbing her back and Rainbow’s soft fur encouraged her. She can tell everyone, right?

“I…I don’t want to buried.” She said, abnormally meek. Everyone kept silent. Misty swallowed whatever pride she had left right now. “I’m afraid…”

“You’re afraid to be buried?” Bud asked, readjusting his glasses. Misty can’t blame him for wanting confirmation. This was the first time that she had ever admitted her fears to all except Candi. She braced herself for being told to not be silly or for the teasing to start. She knows it’s coming. Just get it over with already.

But those expectations never came.

Two hands were gently placed on her shoulders. Misty looked up in surprise. Dude stared back down at her, a calm smile gracing his lips. It was genuine. Wondering if it was some kind of trick, Misty looked at everyone else. They all had the same expression. No bad feelings or intent on teasing. Just compassion. Even Sprout didn’t seize the opportunity to make a joke out her.

“Misty, it’s okay. We won’t force you.” Dude kept smiling, rubbing Misty’s shoulders for extra support. “And that was very brave of you to tell us. Well done.”

“Thanks, Dude.” Misty sighed, feeling like the weight of the world was taken off her shoulders. That small bit of praise helped too. Then her face turned into a mischievous grin. “Now get in the hole.”

“Hang on-” Dude started to back away, but his fate was already sealed.

“Sprout! Rainbow! Help me hold him down!” Misty ordered, grabbing Dude’s arm before he could say anymore.

“With pleasure!” Sprout grinned, grabbing Dude’s other arm.

“Oh no! Help! I’m being ambushed!” Dude acted out as he pretended to be dragged across the sand. Normally he’d put match the two in strength. But for the sake of the game, he allowed himself to be shoved into the hole. Rainbow assisted by placing a paw on Dude’s chest. He didn’t put his full weight down, just enough to keep him still. Only Dude’s head and neck were above the hole so he wouldn’t be completely buried (secretly much to Misty’s relief). “This is mutiny! Mutiny I say!”

“Tell us where the treasure is!” Pip grinned as she and Candi joined in.

“Never!” Dude laughed as sand started to be thrown over him. All for the sake of fun, he’ll allow this. Misty laughed along with the game. She glanced over at Candi, who gave her a wide smile. And despite her fears, after talking about them, everything just felt right.

Taphophobia -fear of being buried alive

Artwork was done by me.

[forehead451]

oh shit. lol

i forgot my point when i started this post was that...

i want help. ultimately i need to see and understand my full self and accept and love me anyway.

but id really love if people could see my true complete self

personality + struggles and trauma responses + interests and thoughts and opinions

and love me anyway.

its such a deeply ingrained wound to want to be understood and loved for ME. THE REAL COMPLETE ME. its so deep that whenever i think about it or even read a sTORY where a character expresses that want or realizes/thinks they had love but were wrong and they feel so unlovable and alone. when that idea comes across my mind, my body PHYSICALLY HURTS

its like a stream of ice cold liquid being injected through my veins into my heart. literally my heart. that while chest/left side area

it streamed through me several times just typing this. it literally hurts. not emotional. PHYSICAL. that's how deep this wound goes.

my family knows im pathetic because they see me at home. they see me struggle but theyre split between the enablers and the one who's abusive so.

my friends see my personality. they dont understand just how Not Okay i am. if they did, i m afraid theyd discard me or resent me. nothing i said would ever hold weight again.

or

im afraid if i truly expressed how passionate i am about politics and the world, id be the difficult person stressing everyone out and caring too much. they dont care. im afraid id have confirmation that they dont care about other people. shit.

but anyway. i think if they saw the complete me, they wouldn't like me either.

i dont think anyone would like the real me if they truly saw how i struggled and acted every day in the privacy of my home. how little i do. how much i purposely go to my room to dissociate after every task.

my sister resents and is disgusted by my rests. and she usually understands the general idea of what's going on even if her details as to how and why are wildly off every time.

fuck maybe she's right about me. but no. she's literally not. i know this because every time she tries to tell me about myself she starts projecting or pulling the most bizarre theories out.

and i tell her, i dont want to talk about this with YOU. i dont want her knowing anything about me because she turns it around and uses it as ammunition and twists it into something pathetic or ugly. and if i tell her this is what she does, she says be an adult and deal with it, are you a child?

adults can get hurt. adults can be abused. adults can choose what kind of stressors they allow in their lives.

i would move away in a heartbeat. just to get away from her constant criticism and evaluation. i hate giving her this power over me.

i know its not healthy to think anything is wrong with yourself or say you're the worst person and you suck.

because yeah: i have a lot of great qualities. i like myself. a lot even. im kind and passionate and funny and intelligent. i make active decisions to be fair and consider everyone's point of view. i take pride in any project i partake in and i am a good artist and work well with my hands and problem solve well and im emotional and logical.

but

i want someone to really see how much i struggle daily. and how i can get really avoidant and anxious all in one. how i have to rest a lot and maybe sometimes it's me being lazy forreal and using my disabilities/illnesses/trauma (?) as an excuse to play games on my phone. even though that's really me avoiding activating my nervous system defenses which shut down when faced with stress and overwhelm and im used to dissociating but its still my responsibility to be the adult and parent myself. and i dont. and i procrastinate on everything. and yes i need to listen to my body but sometimes i do it and it's time to do the next thing.

my avoidance and anxiety hurts others. it makes me distant. it makes me terrible to talk to because i get so defensive and sometimes lash out if i feel like I'm pushed too far or like im being threatened by facing myself and looking bad to others. it ruins my relationships because i cant afford to just see people in person and know my mind will also work that day.

see even now. while it's my reality, i think i keep making excuses and making myself a victim of circumstance. and while some things will continue to be hard, i dont put enough effort to try and fail. i need a job. i need a JOB. i can work at one! it won't last very long. MAYBE, but i can.

i know somatic therapy will help me and i dont do it. i dont exercise or keep up with my walks just because its cold out.

at a certain point, you have to understand that you will be a terrible person in the view of others. and they won't understand you. and you dont think they should have to because understanding doesnt negate harm or defensiveness and being si difficult to talk to when im the subject and theres a conflict. i immediately act like a caged tiger or something when people are genuinely just trying to address a problem.

at some point, and to certain people, you will be what you do.

but if i didnt have a job i had to show up to the same every day then no one would think there was anything wrong with me. i am good at helping and contributing and working hard. just in a variety of ways and at a slower pace MOST times and not at a constant rhythm. but i can.

but yeah. i do ignore peoples messages. i put my comfort to be in the right headspace when i reply over the persons feelings and the relationship at hand. i am a coward. and self centered.

and im also not healthy though. most people dont see a notification as a threat. but also notifications and interactions and nonstop access to people isn't normal. im fine to talk in person. i could keep up with that easy. but to do it over apps? texting? It feels like someone is appearing inside my skull and demanding attention i dont have because my attention is needed in the present. then i just get overwhelmed and confused

this means i need to get rid of my phone. fuck..lol

anyway. i like myself. but i am not a very admirable person. im dislikeable. i am in denial and avoidant. i lash out. i give up. i wait for others to tell me what to do instead of solving it myself.

sidenote: i almost lost it on my sister today. the most confusing situation. to be treated like a child. and yet given a generous offer. but also looked down on. but also that was her trying her best to be respectful. but it does not negate me knowing exactly what she thinks of me. i know what she actually thinks of me.

and that being true and not something i can control doesn't negate the fact that i don't want to be around someone like that

she's a fucking hypocrite. she tells everyone to just "deal with it" when we're being actively abused or mistreated and its about controlling oneself. but when no one's doing anything to her, people not wanting to do what she wants (IM TALKING DECORATING AND BUYING STUFF) then she can't just "deal with it ".

i cant be satisfied with my stupid old mirror because its just not my priority right now to buy a big fancy one that's warped when mine is accurate and i need to buy a lot more things before a new mirror. and yet SHE CAN'T DEAL. but her stupid ex is supposed to deal WHICH HIM DEALING IS RELAPSING ON HIS COKE ADDICTION AND ALCOHOLISM. i hate that man and yet she is so controlling that HE HAS TO DEAL???

see. i cant talk about myself without finding an enemy to make myself feel better.

granted, i didn't do this until she started demeaning and abusing me more directly so its only in reaction but still.

i was doing so well mentally when she was being a bitch and i had to keep my distance and guard up. but the second she starts acting 'normal' again, im letting her get under my skin and feel small amd pathetic again. I WAS DOING SO WELL WHEN I WASNT INTERACTING WITH HER. FUCK