#and i hate that i refuse to speak up for myself because i dont think i'm worth it

[revelboo]

good lord I just very recently found your blog and it's everything I've been begging for out of a transformers blog I'm so weeeeaaaak for transformers x human content, I've been kicking my feet and SO giddy giggling or crying over pretty much every chapter of "everything is Alright" and let me tell you I spend every chapter screaming to myself that everything is NOT alright, I love them and how you write them SO much, literally tore through Everything Is Alright in a few days just to be blessed that you're still kicking with this tasty brilliant feast and UGH the glee I felt ripping into the new update like it's my favorite brand of chocolate 👌 your writing is such a comfort and is so,,,, hot chocolate on a winter night while huddled in blankets with a heating pad type feeling, literally so good, actually had to get up and pace around in petty anger about Megatron being like "yessss a bargaining chip" bc SIR THATS EXACTLY WHY THEY DIDNT TELL YOU ABOUT THE HUMAN DONT BE SHOCKED, seeing your takes on Starscream and Soundwave too are so GHRRHRGRHRGRHR/pos, just so good, you're cooking and we're all eating very very well

Thank you!

Everything Is Alright Pt 81

IDW Starscream x Reader, Soundwave x Reader, Megatron x Reader

• It’s worse, hearing him say it. Admitting to the things he’s done, to how cold he can be. And you’ve seen that indifference from time to time, felt that chill but not in a long time. But as he speaks, his voice is empty, cold as ice. Like the things he’s done mean nothing to him. There’s no regret, no horror. He’s just recounting them like someone mentioning the weather. When it’s over, you’re both silent aside from the ragged way he’s venting, the only give away that saying all of it affected him. “You think I’m a monster, don’t you?” He asks and your chest hurts. Because he is a monster, he’s awful and unrepentant, but he’s your monster. The one who’s so gentle with you, who wipes away your tears, and takes care of you like you’re the only thing he actually does care about. And maybe you’re a monster, too for still loving him despite how awful he is, despite how what’s he’s done hurts your soul.

• Tipping his head back to stare at the ceiling because he can’t look at you, he waits for the condemnation. Can’t bear to see the disgust there. Because how can you not despise him now? You’ll ask to be freed and then realize how awful he really is when he refuses, because he can’t lose you. Even if you hate him, you’re his and he won’t let you go. “You were,” you say, words so soft he almost can’t hear them. “But I don’t think you still are.” And now you’re lying to yourself, wanting to believe he’s better. That he can change when he’s not so sure. Unable to crush that fragile hope of yours as he slides a servo against your side. So he’ll let you choose to believe that he’s better than he is. That he’s not as awful as he knows he is and that he can change. Again, he thinks of all things he wants to say to you, but never can. Wanting to live up to your hopes and knowing he’s just going to fail you.

• “You’re going to be disappointed,” he mutters, lying back on his berth and lifting you on top of him, servos lingering. Your soft ‘maybe’ hurts, but he laughs anyway, the sound bitter. All those things just there on the tip of his glossa that he can’t bring himself to say. He’s always had a way with words, but he has none now. Can’t say them, but can show you. Knows you don’t want this, him, right now even as he pulls back the protective panels around his spark and nudges you toward it. Your eyes still red and tired when you push back even as he slides you closer and you give in. “Let me have this,” he says, as you sigh at him. Lying down against him and dipping your fingers down, tendrils of spark energy reaching out hungrily to snare you as you both shudder at the connection.

• It’s like falling. Like when he mass displaces under you even though you don’t actually move, but part of you gets pulled into those luminous waters that are him, his spark. Drowning in him as he envelopes you, wrapping himself around you. Protecting you as his emotions and thoughts wash into you like a tide. All the things he wants to say and can’t. What you are to him, that thought so tentatively offered, so fragile. Love. Afraid of rejection, so scared of being alone. Always alone, always betrayed. Tangling in him, you swim through him. Seeing everything. The good and the bad. Fear so visceral it leaves you breathless, hate and despair so hot they burn you. And his love, consuming and desperate. So overwhelming it’s almost terrifying even as you gather him to you. All of him, the monstrous and the good and claim it as yours. Accept it. Aware that the real you is crying, the broken, ragged sound of it echoing through you.

• Sitting on the side of his berth, Soundwave’s hands begin to tremble. Unable to sense you suddenly, your mind just disappearing from his awareness. The Seeker. Had he taken you away from the base like he had before? Had he accidentally hurt you in a fit of temper? Frantic, he reaches out for that warm chaos that’s your mind, finding nothing. The disconnect too sudden, almost crippling with how abrupt it was. You were right there in the back of his processor and now you’re gone. Just gone. And it’s his fault, all of it coming apart even though he’d been trying to protect you and Starscream both. Because he needs you, the warmth of your mind humming in his own, the softness of you against him. Staggering upright, he finds himself striding out of his quarters, his cassettes watching worriedly. Almost running down the hall, because he needs to know. Even if you’re gone, if Starscream did the unthinkable to you, he has to know.

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[reidsapplelady]

RIDE OR DIE — /A. HOTCHNER/

SUMMARY: You, a street racer, gets questioned by the feds about murders that are linked to your illegal racing feud. You refuse to cooperate, & they threaten to arrest you but you know they won't.

hotch x fem!street racer!reader ⸝⸝ slow burn & flangst ⸝⸝ enemies to lovers ⸝⸝ non established relationship

WARNINGS: mentions of murder, use of y/n, typical cm violence, blood, gunshot wounds and being tied up.

DANI'S NOTES: heh,, trigger's based off of someone that i actually know,, bare eith me cause i wrote most of this when i was sleepy idk if im cooking,, i saw a pretty lady on a motorbike and i thought of this when i was walking home,, heh your friends' names are kenzie and jay,, sorry i dont make the rules (yes i do)

W/C: 2k+ (ik i surprised myself there too)

The scent of gasoline and smoke reaches to Hotch and Rossi, they both cover grimaced at the scent as they observe the place. It was an abandoned ship yard that was turned into a makeshift race track.

Hotch hated the smell and the environment.

He notices a few glances from the men and women surrounding the place, before some people actually realize what's happening and sneakily made a run for it. You weren't that far, you were leaning on your motorbike, your foot on the foot peg, and you were lazily holding on to your helmet with two fingers as you talked to your friends.

A breeze flew by, your hair flowing with the wind. You seemed to have no care what was going on around you.

"Y/N L/N?" Rossi spoke up as they both approached you, you turn around to face them with a raised eyebrow before they flashed their badges. "We're Agents Rossi and Hotchner."

Your friends looked at eachother before they stepped back, giving you space and leaving you behind witth the agents. You immediately clear your throat as you put your helmet on your motorbike.

"Well, shit." You scoffed as you crossed your arms as you exhaled. "You gonna drag me in for all kinds of exhibition of speed?" You roll your eyes at the two of the agents.

"Actually, you're associated with two of our victims, in fact, you were last seen with the both of them. And when we checked their belongings in their car, both had a photograph of you and said victims." Rossi explains as he puts his badge back in his pocket.

"A lot of people have a crush on me, it's a curse of being incredibly hot." You joke nonchalantly as you shrugged at his implication.

Hotch didn't even blink before he started to speak again, "You were cited for numerous cases of exhibition of speed last month."

You shrug your shoulders at his words, "So what? I've got fans and a rap sheet. You want a cookie for that discovery?"

Rossi's lips twitched as he sighed sharply, meanwhile Hotch's gaze never left you. You could feel the weight of his stare, and you would be lying if you said you weren't nervous or attracted to him.

"You run this circuit, you know who's dealing, who's fixed and who's angry, so I suggest you start talking." Hotch says as he maintains eye contact with you.

"I don't know who's killing people if that's what you're talking about, Agent." You sigh as you continued. "And i'm not really interested in helping you."

"We could charge you with obstruction of justice right now." He threatens, staring daggers right at you.

"Try me. I'll get bailed out by Kenzie and Jay anyway." You counter.

Rossi gave a humorless, quiet chuckle as he looked at Hotch. "She's not afraid, Hotch."

"She isn't because she thinks this is a game." He replies to Rossi.

"I don't think it's a game." You scoff as you corrected, "Look, I get that people that are affiliated with street racing are dying but have you thought about actually catching the fucking killer? You're wasting your time darling." You say as you turned around to grab and put on your helmet, nodding to your friends who were now retreating to their vehicles to follow you.

Hotch just nodded to Rossi before they retreat to the black SUV that was not far behind them and drive back to the local precinct. But before Hotch gets in the vehicle he glances at you one more time as you put on your helmet and race out of the area, the loud sound of you and your friends' engines slowly grows quiet.

A few hours go by, and you found yourself sitting in an interrogation room like you owned the place. Your feet were on top of the table, your head was looking up at the ceiling, staring like you were bored. Maybe because you are bored.

You maintain this position until you hear the door creaking open, your head now faced towards the door, and you see Hotch.

"Feet off the table." Hotch says as he sat down right in front of you.

"Wow, I certainly missed you too." You tease as you didn't bother to change the position of your feet.

"You ever think about cooperating?" he asks as he opens the folder he has in his hands.

You leaned back as you set your feet off of the table, "You ever think of asking nicely?"

He didn't look up from the file, "You're not here as a guest. Three people are dead and two of them were associated with you. You're wasting time."

"You invited me," you scoff before flashing him a small smirk, "Is this not a date?"

Finally, he looked at you, not with anger, but with annoyance. Yes he was annoyed but you expected him to be mad.

"Cut the act," he said. "Tell me why I shouldn't charge you with obstruction of justice?"

"Tell me why you haven't yet." You snap at him.

Hotch ignored your words, "Talk." He said.

You sigh in defeat as you shifted to a more comfortable position on your seat. "Theres a name." you disclosed.

"His alias is Trigger, but we don't know his real name. Never bothered telling us." You explain, "He automatically lost a race due to him getting caught by me, he was trying to sabotage my motorbike by trying to put the wrong type of oil in my engine and popping the tires. Nobody's seen him in months." You continued to elaborate your history with Trigger.

"But way before that, we were friends."

Hotch's brows twitched as he asked, "Has he threatened anyone?"

You sighed as you try to recall, before coming up with something. "Oh yeah, after he pulled that little stunt, with my motorbike, he was muttering on how he was gonna kill everyone." Hotch takes note of your words as he listens

"Tell me more about him." Hotch's hands were now together as he kept staring at you.

"He's unhinged," you muttered, "the type where he thinks revenge is some sort of power play.." you grimaced as you elaborated further.

"Help us find him," Hotch said. "Before another name ends up in the coroner's office."

You hesitated. Your mask slipped for the first time, and you hated it. You feared that you might get hurt, or worse— your friends get hurt.

Hotch notices the change in your behavior, "You don't strike me as someone who just stands by."

"Why do you care," you scoff "I'm not a victim."

"No, but you could be." He says with no hesitation,

Hotch leans back on his chair as he observes you.

"Are you profiling me, Agent Hotchner?" You ask as you raise an eyebrow.

"No, I'm just observing you." He comments on your assumption.

You scoff as you lean back in your chair, "All I know is that he lives in an apartment."

"Do you know the details?" He asks.

"I know the building, I just forgot the apartment number." Your fingers were now fidgeting with eachother as you disclosed more information, Hotch looks at you with a soft glint in his eyes.

"Thank you." He gave you the smallest smile— but hey, atleast it's better than nothing.

"Find the son of a bitch before he hurts me and my friends."

You were now standing. Standing in front of the pool of blood that belonged to your friends. Their dead bodies tied up and a gunshot wound to their head. Kenzie's laughter echoed in your ears, but you knew it was in your head.

You hear the sound of the doorknob behind you clicking, you immediately grab the crowbar that was near you, only for the door to reveal it was Hotch and a woman with black hair.

"Lower your weapon." Hotch says with a low and controlled tone as he slowly holsters his gun. You let go of the crowbar, the clanging noise echoed in the garage.

He approaches you slowly with concern, "Are you hurt?"

You snap out of your trance as you look at him, now processing everything. "Yeah." You spoke, your voice was hoarse and low.

Tears now prickle your eyes, "I was a few minutes late." You whisper to Hotch. He doesn't raise an eyebrow, but instead he listens.

"I was out grabbing food for them cause they wanted food— and then.." You sobbed, your hands make their way to your face to rub away the tears.

He doesn't say i'm sorry, cause he knows that you don't want it. "You're not safe here." He muttered to you.

You don't argue back, not this time. He guides you to the black SUV that they have and drive you to the local PD to put you in protective custody.

The drive to the PD wasn't loud, yet it wasn't quiet either. You were in the backseat as the woman who was sitting in the front seat, that you now identified as Prentiss was talking to Hotch.

The two of them escorts you to a room where it was closed and quiet, Prentiss left the two of you together after escorting you to the room.

"Do you think this is my fault?" You blurted as you sat down on the couch, your eyes lands on him.

"No." He answers as he observes you.

"I mean— I was the one that called him out, he hates me. He killed my friends, and people that knew me." You rambled.

"Your friends were killed by a psychopath that always had murder tendencies. You were simply just the trigger." He interrupts your rambling.

"So basically, my fault." You sigh. "Ironic how his name is trigger and I was his trigger." You tried to lighten the mood.

Your hands grip your knees, you hate how fragile you felt right now.

"I'm not built for this, I'm used to getting injured, but this?" you just chuckle, it wasn't a genuine one.

He sits on the chair next to the sofa you were sitting on. "You're stronger than you think."

You shook your head as you sniffled. "No. No, you don't know me."

"I feel like I'm starting to." He blurted, and this time there was something in his tone that catched you off guard. Soft, Honest, Warm.

You stare at him— You don't even realize it until a few seconds before you shook your head.

"We'll catch him." He assures.

You click your tongue, "Do you do this for everyone?" You ask.

He raised an eyebrow, "What?"

"You know, staying with a potential victim and engaging in small talk." You elaborate.

"Kind of." He shrugs as you chuckle at his answer.

"I thought you hated me." You blurted as you leab your back against the sofa.

"I never hated you." Hotch's expression shifts as he whispered to you.

You tilt your head at his words, "Really? Cause you were glaring daggers at me during the interview and our first meet."

"Interrogation habits." He stated as you hummed.

"Why is this happening to me?" You blurted once again.

Hotch doesn't answer, he just looks at you with sympathy.

"I'm so bad at expressing my feelings, sorry." You rub your eyes, trying to rub away the tears that was prickling your eyes.

"You don't need to be sorry. You've lost your friends in a gruesome way and you're still coping." He comforts you with his words. "Feel free to just.. let it all out."

You close your eyes as tears start rolling down your cheek, what you didn't expect was his hand landing on your cheek to rub your tears away. He mutters a sorry to you, not out of sympathy but because he touched you.

"I don't.. I don't wanna be alone." You murmur to Hotch.

"You're not." He paused before continuing, "You should sleep." You nod as you lay on your side on the couch, Hotch was just on the chair beside you.

As you drift in your sleep, you realize something terrifying. You trust him now.

all rights reserved — © reidsapplelady

[f0rs4k3nbyth3sp4wn]

making a post about how the fandom characterises elliot bcs ts pmo icl 🥀🥀🥀

(small cw for mentioned attempted murder towards a child [fictional ofc]. but this is the forsaken fandom so i dont think most people will care. oh also this is a REALLY long post so. beware)

sooo im pretty new to the fandom but after having browsed almost every sfw 7n7 fic on ao3, its safe to say elliot's characterisation (or, well, mischaracterisation), is becoming a HUGE problem. a lot of people make him pissy around n7 and c00lkidd, which, to be fair, he has a right to be pissy! but the way they execute this is where things go wrong.

this is a more extreme example, but here's the gist of an au my friend found on tiktok (not linking for the creator's sake, which, speaking of, if you've seen this au and know the creator, please don't harass them. i mean i shouldn't have to say that but im still putting it out there):

honestly i agree with the last sentence he said, even i know this is bs even though i've only been a forsaken fan for like a week or smth 😭😭🥀🥀 to show you why, let me break down what we do know of how elliot's personality, how he feels about n7 and c00lkidd, and how he expresses it:

he is generally portrayed as a sweet and kind person, who always wants to help wherever he can.

he 'hates' n7 due to what c00lkidd did to the pizzeria (according to the fanmade wiki), though nothing has (canonically) ever been said about his feelings towards c00lkidd himself (to my knowledge)

he is not openly hostile towards n7, and has never canonically said anything 'mean' to his face, only acted passive aggressive (e.g. "...just get going").

i do disagree with his feelings towards n7 being 'hate' rather than just 'strongly dislike' (trust me, theyre VERY different things), but i digress. even if we were to say elliot hated n7, some people portray him as not even hating, but loathing him (this is an even bigger problem in pizzaburger fics/aus imo). if you want to write a complicated/negative relationship between two characters who are not your own, it's vital to know the difference between dislike, hate and loathe (as seen below).

(via langeek.co)

the reason i say elliot strongly dislikes n7 as opposed to hate is because hatred is often accompanied with a sense of hostility (while dislike is more avoidant, which fits elliot more imo when we look at their canon interactions). if you hate someone, you will not want to help them, and to be fair, i've read a handful of fics where elliot straight up refuses to give n7 pizza, or is at least hesitant. i dont think that's how elliot would behave. yes he is mad at n7 for not controlling his son, and has a grudge against him, but at his core, elliot is a kind guy. even if he wasn't, he'd never leave someone to die, no matter how temporary.

but continuing on the whole 'elliot loathes n7' dynamic, it becomes even more jarring when you apply it as an 'enemies to lovers' pizzaburger dynamic. even more so if you don't do the work to make it well paced. here are some tips on how you can do that:

pay heed to the rest of this post and do NOT make elliot too aggressive towards 007n7 in your fic. otherwise, it may feel too forced, especially if you don't want to go through the slowburn route. feel free to let the guy be passive aggressive though, just don't make him feel uncontrollable hatred every time he sees 07 (i prefer to think he feels manageable disdain, though i think you can tell by now).

on the other side of the coin, do NOT make n7 too pathetic. im all for him being a soggy wet cat, but at the end of the day, that's a grown ass man that was once very similar to c00lkidd. at the very least, i don't think he'd be crying left and right, considering this is a former terrorist, lol.

this is more me telling you guys to be creative than giving tips on pacing (since im not very creative myself, so i dont have many tips myself rn) but if you want to write the exact moment elliot began to like and respect n7, i don't really like the idea of n7 achieving that by bodyblocking for elliot?? like. it's not typically executed right bcs again. it often does what i advised against in the above two points. if you wanna do smth like that in your fic/comic, try comprimising by making it a clone block instead, and letting n7 be a REALLY good distractor like those aggressive n7 main. (i left this incomplete on accident when i posted this lol)

just overall make sure elliot is respectful to n7 during the late pining and post establishing the relationship stages!! it's perfectly fine if you want him to say 'mean' stuff to him that he doesnt mean (think of how siblings, friends, and again, sometimes partners, joke with each other. tough love or wtv), but don't make him have a hate boner for the guy lol. unless youre writing smut where there are actual hate boners involved, i aint getting involved in allat.

anyways, idk how to end this post off, so on a more positive note, go check out this pizzaburger yaoilicious peak rn !!! and feel free to add your own opinions, idm having a discussion as long as youre respectful, and am likely to add more to this post if you remind me of smth i might wanna say (im not the best at articulating myself lol) !!

oh and also i made an addition to this post too covering the other characters

[xo-myloves]

BRO I ACCIDENTALLY POSTED IT AND HAD TO TAKE IT DOWN I MEANT TO SAVE IT BUT THE REQUEST WAS VELVET REVOLVER SLASH SO YEAH DONT MIND THE NO ASK!!

𝕊𝕌𝕄𝕄𝔸ℝ𝕐: 𝚜𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚑 𝚘𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚜 𝚞𝚙 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚝𝚛𝚞𝚐𝚐𝚕𝚎𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚋𝚊𝚗𝚍'𝚜 𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚋𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚖𝚎𝚗𝚝 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚞𝚎𝚜, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚊𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚒𝚖 𝚜𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚊 𝚙𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚎, 𝚛𝚊𝚠 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚗𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚠𝚜 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚑𝚘𝚠 𝚍𝚎𝚎𝚙 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚛 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚛𝚞𝚗𝚜

༞༞༞༞༞༞༞༞༞༞༞༞𝚂𝙻𝙸𝚃𝙷𝙴𝚁༞༞༞༞༞༞༞༞༞༞༞༞༞

Slash, what a sweet soul, he is such a sweetheart, and such a fucking nerd, I love every part of it, the way he would talk about snakes, horror, and guitar for hours was so heart warming, I loved seeing him nerd over the things he loved, because he made me love those things.

He would teach me guitar, let me play with his snakes, and spend hours telling me horror movie lore, like what directors did what and when, he was literally Wikipedia, I love it, he was extremely intelligent when it came to those things, he hated math with a passion though, he would refused to do it, every-time I would need help with anything math related.

It was cute.

It was a crazy time, guns wasn’t together, well axl was doing his thing with buckethead, bumblefoot, Richard fortus, Izzy wasn’t around, Steven was still down into the drugs, but duff and slash were the only people keeping each sane, but slash, he wasn’t okay, he wouldn’t admit it, but he relapsed, he lied to everyone saying he was sober, he was knee deep into pills.

This wasn’t good for duff either, he finally stopped drinking, he got fucking jacked, but he was a huge coke head, he did it before shows so he would have energy, everyone was drained, especially slash, he was more than depressed, he lost his band, his best friends.

He loves velvet revolver but it isn’t guns, he fucking lived with guns, when they were young and starving, he just wanted every thing to be normal, and that was difficult for me, I didn’t know how to help him, he was struggling and I felt like I couldn’t do anything, or could I…..?

✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢

It was a late cold night in January, the holidays were over, me and slash were sitting in his house, just watching movies, my head was on his shoulder, he was playing with my hair softly, just wrapping his thick fingers around it, I could tell something was off.

We were watching his favorite horror movie, “Texas chainsaw massacre” he knew the lines of the movie he’s seen it so much, he would always making little jokes, or just messing around with me, but he stayed quiet, he barley spoke, he would laugh a little at certain moments, but he just seemed off..

“Babe, are you okay?” I spoke softly, looking up at him, he just hummed barely acknowledging the question, then I sat up to look at him better, to also show him I was being serious about the situation.

“Hmm?” He looked up, seeing why I got up, trying to search for my emotion in my eyes, I immediately grabbed his hand softly, just holding it for a moment before speaking. “Slash, talk to me.” That’s all I said, it’s all I possibly could say, I just needed him to understand I was worried about him.

I needed my baby okay.

“I-I just feel lost…” he spoke in his whisper tone, squeezing my hand slightly, barley being able to hold eye contact, his leg bouncing back and forth, “because of guns? Have you tried talking to him?” Him being axl, I tried to understand, I wish I could just talk to axl myself but he hasn’t been anywhere where we could talk to him, he was everywhere, he hasn’t been in the same place twice in months.

Slash nodded his head, starting to get more upset, “I miss my best friend…” he turned his head up to me, with a glossy hazy over his eyes, making my heart swell with pain, the only thing I could think to do was grab his face and hug him, pressing my forehead against his, he was quick to wrap his arms around my waist, holding me tightly.

“Can we just not talk about it, I wanna get my mind off this sappy shit.” Slash tried to raise the mood, he hated being sad and sappy, he always coped with laughing or making jokes, but the thing is I know exactly what he meant but “getting his mind off it”

He wanted to fuck.

I’m down.

✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢✢

“Get upstairs and get ready for me doll face.” Slash spoke in his usual tone, it was so nonchalant acting like I wasn’t dripping now, I felt my vagina hit the damn floor, and this motherfucker acting like it’s a normal fucking Tuesday.

But I would be lying if I said I didn’t run up the fucking stairs like my life depended on it, I laid on the bed, all laid out, already touching myself, soaking up my juices on my fingers.

The second I heard his footsteps I stopped, I knew he would’ve been mad, I moved my hands away from my heat as quickly as I possibly could, as slash busted through the door, he looked me up down like he was a lion, ready to eat his prey.

“such a good girl getting all ready for me aren’t you?” He spoke in his sweet but dominant demeanor, his rough hands immediately going to my thighs to spread them roughly, his eyes looked on my wet shiny pussy, “were you fucking touching yourself?” He snapped harshly at me.

My eyes looked up with a pleading tone to them, hoping he would touch me so he felt it all I would’ve been wrong. He growls low in his throat, his hands moving south to push your legs wider apart. "Fuck... Alright baby, let me check for myself just how fucking soaked you are," He slides his hand into your panties, his fingers finding your soaking wet folds. "Jesus Christ..."

“You little god damn slut.” He groaned, sliding his fingers around my nub and needy entrance, his fingers delve deeper, rubbing through your slickness, feeling your clit throbbing. "You're dripping all over my hand," He murmurs, his own arousal reaching a fever pitch. "I need to be inside you so fucking bad..."

With those words, he couldn’t take it anymore, he needs to be inside you. "Fuck it," quickly removing his jeans and boxers. "I'm gonna fuck you raw, no condom," those words hit you like a fucking semi, making you even wetter than before, you always wanted his children so this made it even better, he made me moan just by his words, not the first time.

“Goddamn, you're gonna fucking ruin me..." He mutters as he kicks his clothes away, his massive erection springing free. "Want my cock buried inside this greedy little cunt, huh?" He positions himself at your entrance, rubbing the tip through your soaked folds.

This motion made the hairs on your legs stand up, you’re whole body fulling up with lust and love, needing to be filled up with him, you moved your hips towards him, needing the friction. "Damn it..." He hisses through gritted teeth as he rubs himself against you, feeling your warm wetness wrapping around his length. "You're gonna make me snap..." He growls, before slamming himself inside you in one brutal thrust, filling you completely.

“FUCK.” I screamed at the quick filling, not being ready for such a quick motion, my moans and his pants were filling the room, besides the loud clapping and wet gushy noises, he set such a brutal pace, pounding into you with reckless abandon, his thick cock stretching your tight pussy to its limits. "Fuck... Fuck... FUCK!" He roars, his balls slapping against your ass with each thrust. "This is what you needed, huh? This fucking raw, unprotected fuck?"

all you could do was moan in response, nodding your head as well, clenching the blankets in your fists, your eyes rolling back, jaw hanging open, “use your fucking words” he grunted out between thrusts, “y-yes I f-fucking ne-needed this.” You managed to moan out.

"You love getting fucked raw, huh? Having my naked dick sliding in and out of your little cunt, leaving my cum inside you?" He pants, gripping your hips tighter as he bottoms out with each thrust, his pubic bone hitting your clit perfectly.

right as he was about to cum, he flung his head back, his jaw slightly opening, his eyes getting glossy, your orgasm coming up right with his, your nails immediately going to his back, scratching him from shoulder blade down to his lower back, with his last thrust he covered my walls with his white ooze, with me cumming at the same time, only making a pool of cum underneath us.

Slash panted heavily, covered in your juices as he continues to fuck you through your intense orgasm, his cock throbbing inside your convulsing pussy. "Holy... Shit..." He gasps, his eyes widening as he looks down at the puddle of wetness between you both.

“fuck.” You gasped out, your eyes searching for his, finally finding them behind his big curls, “I love you honey” he spoke softly, leaning down to kiss me, peeling the hair off my face.

my love slash, god I love him.

[twisted-wonderland-but-gayer]

I like the idea of wholesome military Yuu. Probably accidentally makes people assume they're mean or scary but it's just a gym bro. During overblots they took everyone down so easily because of past trainings. Very cool scars they boast about but everyone looks at them horrified.

"Oh this from the time I got grazed with a bullet, very cool huh?"

"What.."

-also is it cool if I name myself 🍰 anon? I feel like I lurk around your ask inbox a lot, it's totally fine if I can't!

Please read all the dialouge in a fucking duke nukem voice.

This giant person approached Idia after they heard Idia mumbles self depreciating things abt himself himself under this breath. Idia is frozen and he hears boss music. "Hey man, stop putting yourself down, it's not cool. I know you can't see it but your character and strengths are pretty cool. I hope you can lean to see it in time." And refuses to walk off until Idia says something nice about himself, in which then Yuu daps him up and says "nice one dude"

"Hey man what are you? A dude, a girl a they?" "I don't have pronouns or gender. Those damn alien bastards stole them from me."

Ruggie being baffled at this mfer who makes bank back in their world be so frugal and down to earth. One day they say to Idia "you play retro games for nostalgia, i play retro games because i cannot afford new ones, we are not the same." And Ruggie tries to call them out.

"Actually I donate most of my millions to charities in need and enjoying sponsoring education for young children in less fortunate situations. Also, those damn alien bastards stole all of my newer consoles and deleted my save data."

They don't like Octavinelle. They're posers protecting a restaurant by Mediocre blackmail and threats of violence. "Booo where im from corporations make sure to stage your suicide by shooting you three times in the back of the head for speaking up about child labor"

They esp hate Azul. "Mindless corporations like yours forced me and my comrades across sea to commit atrocities on innocents and die over oil. You are not a cool dude, bro." Or just.

"You claim to know how to fight and use magic yet only fight against those who are weaker than you. This one is for my ignihyde friend that was bullied by you." And the trio just roll their eyes before getting steamrolled by this mfer in a real fight and almost end up in the ER. This is the same person who said "those damn shrimp bastards will pay for frying my rice and trying to break into the kitchen.

They advocate equal rights and just a good dude. Everytime they speak you hear a hard-core guitar riff. They are simultaneously the smartest yet stupidest person everyone knows. Everyone agrees that they're cool as hell tho. They hand Yuu a cold one and take off their glasses to wink, but underneath their glasses, they have another pair on.

They are just a walking shitpost

2) yeah i checked my blog and dont think I have cake (slice) anon??? Your cool, welcome aboard

[thetransblog]

I’m coming with a bit of a story time because I’ve just now started to realize how bad this was.

This post contains a lot of talk about transphobia and just general really bad stuff so if your not comfortable with that or it has a possibility of triggering something please don’t read, stay safe!

Now a year ago I had this friend, let’s call him Block because he really liked Lego blocks.

Now Block was a pretty like quiet kid, he didn’t really have any friends and such but it wasn’t like he was being bullied, he just didn’t wanna talk to anybody.

Now the thing was that he had two moms, which wasn’t bad and he didn’t get bullied because of it, it’s just important for this story.

Now I don’t exactly remember how I managed to befriend this dude but I did. So we started talking and hanging out a lot, along with another friend of mine I’ll call shadow because he really liked shadow from sonic.

Now it was a good year or so of us three just hanging out and being good friends, until some weird jokes started appearing. Now note here that I was publicly transgender, I had come out in front of my entire class with the help of teachers and such.

Suddenly Block started making weird jokes about transgender people being so sensitive and a bunch of those types of “oh you can’t even say merry Christmas anymore” things like that. Now at the time I thought nothing of it, because whenever I asked he said it was just his type of humor and I was pretty young and naive.

Now shadow started joining in on these jokes, refusing to call me a boy and saying stuff like “oh your a biological woman so I will call you a trans boy, not just a boy.”

Then Block started acting like I was a ticking time bomb, mind you I never talked about being transgender unless it was bought up so I didn’t know where he got this from, like if I was talking to somebody that could be curious about trans people and then he would go “oh you shouldn’t say that to a trans person they will get mad” even if it was completely normal and non offensive questions.

He also started mocking me when Shadow would misgender me and I would stand up for myself, when that happend Block would just say “did you just assume my gender” to make fun of me when I stood up for myself.

Then he once said to me, like dead ass- “I hate when people assume I’m not homophobic just because I have two moms”

Like- dude it makes sense that people probably thinks you don’t mind gay people when your parents are lesbians and your best friend is transgender. And reminder he knew I was transgender so he was admitting he didn’t like lgbtq infront of me and expected me to agree.

Another time I say innocently “happy pride month” to one of my friends that had recently come out as bi. And he went “yeah when is it straight month, you dont desvere a month for kissing dudes”

It got so bad to the point where he walked up to me once when I was drawing once and this is what happend.

“I don’t like that flag” he said and then pointed to a transgender flag on my drawing. At this point I had given up and just went “okay?”. He then raised his hands in surrender as if I had just shouted at him and went. “I didnt say anything about the meaning of the flag I just said I didn’t like it” he said with such a smirk as if he had just tricked me in some insane way.

When I would speak about women’s or transgender or general lgbtq peoples struggle he would mock me and deny it.

I once talked about the man or bear hypothetical and while I said actual evidence and statistics, he just called women idiots and that he hoped they were eaten.

I once talked about death threats towards furries and other minorities online and he just said he thought that it was so funny and that he loved those sorts of comments.

He often would interrupt my conversations with others to tell me “there is only two genders in my opinion” just completely unprovoked and normally he was never part of the conversation and it was never the topic of it. Like he once interrupted me in the middle of my sentence while talking about Minecraft with another dude and said “there is only two genders, that’s just what I think”

And whenever I would try to point it out he would call me sensitive and so would Shadow and he would mock me and act like he was completely innocent while I was being unreasonable.

I’ve finally stopped talking to him but he is still in my class and even if i have a totally new friend group he always approaches me to say something terrible about transgender people.

And I just can’t get rid of him.

Like he will ask competently inn appropriate questions about my friends. Once asking about if my friend still c*t themselves and who in my friend group had s*icide thoughts.

Yet I can never tell a teacher because he hides his behavior so well behind a “what I was just being curious or stating my opinion you can’t get mad at me for that”

And I remember when we were friends he was so convinced he was smarter then me, like he would constantly make me feel insecure about myself but he manipulated me into thinking I was the one in the wrong. I got a IQ test and I scored the same as him which he refused to believe and still denies to this day. As if it would be insane for me to actually be smart.

The worst thing is I still thought we were friends and so did he. He was manipulative according to my other friend, he would constantly switch up on me about trans people, like he would help me tell teachers if others mock me for being trans yet the next day he would be mocking me.

Yet he did all this so secretly so no teachers believed me and nothing seemed serious enough to tell someone. Yet now I’ve realized it definitely was.

He was kind one day, a jerk the next.

So I thought maybe he did support me and maybe he was just joking.

Now let me say this once to anybody that needs it.

IF SOMEONE IS HURTING YOU WITH JOKES, ITS NOT A JOKE.

A joke is funny, for all people involved . Not only for one or two.

He is still incredibly judgemental to me even if we aren’t friends. Like he will comment on my clothes and style just out of nowhere, even if we don’t speak at all.

He convinced me he was so incredibly mature when we were friends and I generally think he is convinced he is, but now I know he is just incredibly immature.

I didn’t take the warning signs early enough but I hope this post can help someone see when something is horribly wrong.

(Please Read pinned post on this account, stay safe <3)

[ty-bayonet-betteridge]

You have Undertale OCs? 👀👀 Tell me more

HI SO. this is from an au where i indulge myself in my ficwriter nature. and make everybody alive. chara never does their plan so they never die so asriel never dies either so asgore never declares war on humanity. and hten i squash the timeline together so all the fallen humans fall within a couple dozen years of each other instead of over probably hundreds of years like they probably do in canon.

Constance AKA Connie, the purple/Perseverance-souled human. they fell at 14 years old and are now 48. considers themself an anthropologist despite no formal training, and has taken particular interest in the role of puzzles in monster society. acts as caretaker of the ruins, viewing it as an important historical site. as seen as they saw a single gray hair they dyed all of it that color so they could tell people they were Mature and Sophisticated now. first person to discover Frisk when they fell, has Zero childrearing instinct so instead of treating them like their kid immediately started treating them as a friend, confidante, and research partner.

Dinah, the yellow/Justice-souled human. she fell at 13 years old and is now 36. she was abused and is very distrustful to humans because of this + experiences with Drew (wait a bit and you'll see.) watches all humans who fall very very Very closely waiting for them to step out of line. one of only four members of the Underground's Royal Guard alongside Undyne, Dogamy, and Dogaressa. Crops up multiple times over Frisk's journey and essentially takes the role of a more openly judgemental Sans. that's a tattoo, not a real scar, don't ask her about it she sort of regrets it. has trouble opening up with new people and only has a few close friends in the Underground.

Emmett, the blue/Integrity-souled human. fell at 11 years old, is now 30. trans man, ran away from home while still in the closet to escape parents he hated. used to do ballet, hates it now but still loves other forms of dance. Mettaton is his best friend in the underground, but he's very social in general. wants desperately to see his brother Drew again, but Drew's been avoiding him. they dont have hormones in the underground so hes transitioning via magic and everyone is very, Very curious how thats going to turn out.

Andrew (Drew for short), the orange/Bravery-souled human. he fell at 17 and is now 35. came to Mt. Ebbott searching for his sister Emily, who ran away and went missing there a year ago, and upon seeing monsterkind was openly distrustful and hostile to them. in fact, he lashed out so strongly while looking for Emily that he injured several monsters and killed Dogamy's mother. Dinah was able to apprehend him in Snowdin, but one of the warning shots she fired struck a block of ice, creating shrapnel that took his eye. he was lucky the wound wasn't worse. he now lives in Waterfall, doing rehabilitative community service under the watchful and distrustful eye of Undyne. there's 12 years left on his sentence. he and Dinah refuse to speak to each other. he regrets what happened deeply, and doesn't want to talk to Emmett because he doesn't think he deserves for Emmett to forgive him. in general, avoids talking to people, only speaking as required to the people involved in rehabilitating him, though Ndidi and Aliza have made some progress in getting him to accept their friendship.

Ndidi, the light blue/Patience-souled human. they fell at 6 years old and are now 16. Nigerian mother, Irish-American father. transfeminine, transitioned socially but no interest in medical transition at the moment. the Underground's absolute DARLING, beloved by all. raised by Toriel and Asgore (who had retired and left Chara and Asriel to rule the kingdom by the time she fell.) this makes the rulers of the Underground her siblings, a privilege she exploits shamelessly, alongside their privilege of being adorable. heard about Drew and his history when she was 7 and decided she would be the one to rehabilitate him. kept showing up and pestering him and he couldn't ignore her because she's a LITERAL CHILD, and because she kept showing up he Sort Of Also Raised Her. if pressed about it both of them would say their relationship these days is purely platonic but it definitely at least USED to be familial in some way.

Aliza, the green/Kindness-souled human. she fell at 13 years old and is currently 21. Ashkenazi Jewish ethnically, reform religiously. natural-born leader and unreasonably good cook. got lost and fell into the Underground in the few days between her 13th birthday and when her bat mitzvah service was supposed to happen and cries when she thinks about what her family must think, so she tries not to think about it. did eventually have a bat mitzvah service, though there isnt a Torah anywhere in the Underground so she had to improvise somewhat. one of Alphys's only friends and visits her frequently (because she worries about her mental health (with good reason!!!)). wore Drew down with various gifts of food until he accepted her friendship.

also heres adult Chara. fell at 8, is now 46. Ruler of the Underground. not as openly anti-human as in canon, but still doesn't exactly trust them and wants to see any new humans that fall before allowing them to live in the Underground. thinks Drew shouldve been given the death penalty, but Asriel talked them down. hasnt voiced this to anyone, but if a human ever died in the Underground they would want a monster to take their soul, cross the Barrier, and take six more souls from "deserving" humans in order to break the Barrier.

[poppytommy]

vent i honestly dont care who reads

wish people would stop ignoring that im a person

like i KNOW im bad. i KNOW you dont like me. but can you at least see that im trying and try to be nice?

everytime im nice they take it for granted and are mean to balance it out.

He didn't even think about my feelings. about how I'm always yelling and laughing and smiling and making everything a joke. about how when he said he was gonna privately call his friend because i didn't want to join their game i was so quiet. "oh. okay ig." does that sound like me? no. not one bit

i just wish people could PRETEND to care about me

im a shit person, i know that!! but could you at least try? could.. could you at least tell me what i did wrong..?

all i need to stay happy is kindness and people. i just need someone nice around me. theres becoming less and less of those people.

my best friend too.

im starting to lose HIM.

just for being myself.

god, i wish i could say this is the first time.

i care about him so fucking much, he doesnt understand how much i need him. im just a person to him- but hes everything. hes all i have left. hes been through everything with me. i can tell hes starting to hate me. bit by bit. like EVERYONE ELSE.

i get why people hate me! i do! im a darkshipper, im hypersexual, im abrasive, I'm too focused yet unfocused at the same time. i love talking to people but not being with them, and once they stop talking it feels like the world stopped spinning.

and as if he can read my FUCKING mind, he says this.

he was MAD.

AT ME???

i made him mad???

im fucking awful

i made my favorite person mad

the person i love in every way possible

HAS HE BEEN MAD BEFORE???

HAS HE JUST LIED ABOUT IT????

oh god he hates me

he HATES me.

im gonna throw up

he thinks to talk to me AFTER talking about this.

so its clear, IM the second option.

im the second person he thinks about.

i just..

god.

i dont know who this mystery crush is but i want them dead. hes refusing to tell me ANYTHING about them-- im going to die before i even hear the initial of their middle name.

we're best friends. we used to tell each other everything. i dont get it.

and i COULD take this as him talking about me. maybe im this crush. but as stupid as i am? as gullible as i am? as illiterate and retarded as i am-- im not that dumb. i know its not me.

a part of me wishes it were me. for some... closure? I don't know. some reason. i know he makes me feel and i love him more than life, but if i were dumb enough to believe that he were into me after everything he knows- after knowing about this account, even.. if i were that stupid i wouldn't know how to sing alphabet. i wouldn't know how to read, walk, speak..

god, i am NOT your strongest soldier, please stfu

[autisticlee]

whenever I say I want a friend group to do stuff with as a group but struggle to get that, I always get responses from people saying they hate being part of a group of friends and avoid it and i'm better off only having a few individual friends. because friend groups are drama and stuff.

what they think I want is a group of friends who are all friends together and only hang out together and don't have other friends outside of this group or something like that probably. that's not actually what i'm saying. I had that once and it ended with individual friends I brought together and introduced to each other becoming closer friends with each other and kicking me out. I dont really want that again. so i'm not looking for a group chat that talks daily.

what I want more and actually mean is a group of individual friends or people who are get acquainted and get along well enough who can come together as a group and do group activities with me. they don't all be friends outside of these activities. they just do stuff with me because they all like me I guess??? (difficulty level: impossible) for example: play multi-player video games, do a cosplay group of multiple characters from one series, do photoshoots or videos or some other creative project together, go bowling or play tennis or something. I want to do activities that require/would be better with more than me alone or one other person. we don't need to chat every day or even every month. we don't need to necessarily chat outside of the activities. I just want enough people that want to be around me that they agree to meet up as a group and participate in the activities I want to do with them!

also, i get that some autistic people are overwhelmed by too many people and not getting to converse. as an autistic that struggles to talk and converse, I feel overwhelmed and pressured when i'm with only one person and am forced to talk and entertsim that person the whole time. if i'm with more people, they can talk and entertain each other. I just want them to include me and talk to me but not expect me to speak the entire time and entertain them. not assume i'm bored or hate them because i'm not speaking. they let me enjoy the activity with them and include me, but they don't make me the center of attention. I can't multitasking. I like doing things with people. either you get a disjointed and bad conversation from me only (which requires a quiet space like sitting at my house doing nothing) or we do something fun and I don't force myself to talk the whole time and enjoy the activities instead. everyone hates "awkward silence" and wants to have verbal conversation. but that's hard for me. so I benefit from groups because of that too.

but mainly I just want people to do things with me that I need more people for. so i need a "friend group" aka a group of people i'm friends with who are OK doing things with me AND other people in a group setting. most individual friends I've bad refuse to participate in anything with more people, especially strangers. so i've missed out on and have to give up SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO.

ove been trying to get at least 5 other people to play gartic phone with me for YEARS. I had one person try to play with me and it doesn't work with 2 players 😭😭😭 this is why I need a group!!!!

as much as i'd love a cute little found found family of 3-4 of us who stifk together and love each other equally forever, I gave up on that idea. it's impossible. im better off having this other idea of friend group. JUST SO I CAN LEAVE NY HOUSE A FEW TIMES A YEAR AND GET TO EXPERIENCE THINGS IN LIFE AMD DO FUN ACTIVITIES. thats all I ask for and i get nothing. no one invites me and my invitations are turned down. meeting one-on-one is stressful and I bore the person to death when I burn my single spoon of the day before we even get to the place we go to. I dread all the "why are you so quiet/why won't you talk/what do you want to do make the decision for us/you look bored and annoyed and upset/you aren't having fun/you hate me" that get every time I do something with one person.

yeah being in a group i get left out and ignored and left behind. but THATS THE THING I WANT A GROUP THAT DOESNT DO THAT. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO HARD. WHY IS IT IMPPSSOBLE TO GET THE TYPE OF HUMAN INTERACTION I WAMT AND NEED TO LIVE A HEALTHY AND HAPPY LIFE?! I DONT UNDERSTAND. WHY AM I SO INCONVENIENT AND UNLIKEABLE AND UNWANTED AND UNWORTHY IN GENERAL! ITS UNFAIR.

you can't tell me to keep trying and find "the one(s)" and "it will happen ONE DAY" i'm tired of waiting for "one day" when this mythical one day hasn't happened in 30 years! I don't care about a possible future that may not exist. I care about HERE AND NOW ONLY. THE PRESENT. THATS WHAT MATTERS. I dont care if it took you until you're 27 or 45 or 70 to find your best friend(s) thar doesn't help me feel better! doesn't give me the hope you think it will. good for you. but i'm not you. everyone wants to give advice but no one wants to step up. I try talking to them and they tell me how to find other friends but wont realize i'm trying to be their friend! or don't give me a chance.

i've found "the one" so many times and they ended up being a false hope. I put in 100% of the work at all times. i'm the only desperate needy loser that has no close friends and get denied/ignored 99% of the time. I don't have energy for this. I can't keep doing it! no one understands how hard I try. i've tried in person stuff. i've tried discord servers. i've posted on social media. I even posted in Facebook groups and I hate Facebook with a passion. I try groups of interests I have. i'm always the weird outcast in every situation. I can't even get among with and befriend fellow autistics. I don't know what's wrong with me! i've tried talking to at least 500 different people last year if you count all active people in discord servers and Facebook groups i've tried. i've tried at least 50 individuals both online and off. nothing works!!!! I don't know why!!!

I will whine about this stuff until the day I die. alone and probably unnoticed 😔✊️ no other way to get frustration out than whine about it over and over right?

[mjammies]

your man is no longer your man (the elite)

ch 18-20

CH18

-i wonder if maxon would still end the comp if america confessed to him or is it a real race now with miss kriss.

-”i wasnt ready to give up completely” no, actually give up cause you not really serious we know.

-im not reading all what sir gregory had to put in that diary

-”since gregory had failed me, there was only one other man i could count on” i swear to you if she was talm bout aspen i woulda thrown this laptop buttttt in a weird turn of events she is actually talking about her father which is kinda sweet ngl.

Ch19 

-wow they just breezed by the reception with the germans but lets see what miss kriss and miss maam come up with 

-is america gonna play something i dont remember, $50 bucks and my first born that she does 

-not kriss asking america if shes serious about maxon..the gurls finna start tussling in a minute

-theres no way that these two did better than three upper class girls, cause i know if theres anything a stuck up, well off girl can do its throw some shit together

-one of the italian princesses name is Noemi, i like that name, kiera you ate that one thing

-not they both tryna get them a sip of some maxon

-”after i got some water and food in me, i played some of the folk songs i’d learned on my violin” YAYY i get to keep my firstborn, also why she picked folk songs? They aint got pop hits in italy

-not natalie dancing on the table. Gon head girlllll

-”ill tell maxon myself what a good job you did” america do you know you have 30 minutesss. Girl maxon do not fuck withchu like he used to hon. 

-”she squinted her already thin eyes” keira cass you're dirty for this. This gotta be some kinda microaggression.

-”this isnt just some prize. This is a HUSBAND,a CROWN, a FUTURE,” snaps snaps snaps see elise gets it. Its big goofys like miss land of the free thats just here for the sneaky links, she aint no diva fr.

-like these girls are really here fighting and you acting like this just a lil vacay. STEP YO PUSSY UP and expeditiously 

-here they go bringing up marlee again, please let her rest in peace. I would hate if she actually died yall going this crazy and she still alive she just went through a little physical change thats all (well maybe more than physical lol but at least she got mr wood).

-”if there is anything we can do to help you acquire the crown, let us know” ooo purr, if a whole country told me they had my back i would walk like a whole new b****. 

-okay hold the f****** phone her father responds and he is speaking straight FACTTSS 

-”part of me thinks the slowness is on your side” HANG IT ALL UP, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS AND LOCK THE DOORS, SHOP IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED Hopefully her father can penetrate her thick ass noggin lets see

-”i thought of aspens certainty that i couldnt be a princess” neowww why do you think he would say that. What possibly would it mean if you became one, oh idk… maybe that you could never be with him

CH 20 

-oop is this the time for maxon to really show her its all worth it

-not him showing her the princess suite oh alrighhtttt now

-not this door goes to my room, im dead

-broooo not marlee being behind the doorrrrr, the way i woulda told maxon to drop them drawls, and marlee think she know something about working some wood, watch this.

-bruh all she got is welts on her hand i thought them things woulda been demolished

-not they been there the whole time in the kitchen i hope it was worth it i guess it kinda sweet idk

-they even got a little apartment?!

-not “ we got married two days ago” they moving quick asl

-”maxon gave me away. Im not sure ill ever see my parents again” bruuuhhh thats kinda sad but at the same time maxon a realll one lemme join the selection atp i think i want maxon.

-they cant even get a real ring

-idk why america acting like she aint know marlee and carter was getting busyyyyyyy

-brother in christ even marlee is standing up for maxon 

-”the reason you’re still here is because he refuses to lose hope” welp hes losing it as we speak

-”why didn’t you tell me sooner” idk maybe because you have no self-control

-”i just need to know if you want to be here at all” JUST TELLEM THE TRUTH 

-”if youll still have me, i want to stay” honestly her asking this in any other instance woulda had me heated but honestly its kinda good she phrased it this way causeee homebodys eyes is definitely wandering

[blucassiopeia]

hi! so in your main fic masterlist the preludes have a star next to each spinoff BUT Kuroo and Osamu have two. Osamu’s prelude is a two part story DOES this mean Kuroo has another part -yet to be released- too? 🤔🫣

also in the chapters list, after ch15/ch16 (don’t remember) all the preludes boys are listed: does it mean that’s where part of all the preludes stories take place (chronologically speaking)?🤔🫣🫢 Is that chapter Ran’s wedding?

i have yet to read Osamu’s prelude, but excluding Kags’ and Sakusa’s ones, Ran’s wedding day is one of the main topics on the spinoffs…

does it make sense? i dont know how to english anymore 😑

Also, while reading the warnings/tags i saw something interesting 🤨: Ran’s illness(?)…Is that why Kuroo is going to be up Ran’s ass so involved in Ran’s life even after she’s happily married with kids? at a certain point in her life, Ran was/is/will be ill 😷

im the anon that a while ago sent a long ask about the spinoffs and i was lowkey happy to see kuroo suffer 🤭

…so, im about to get - once again - in my kuroo angst hole 😬😬

reader (kuroo’s story) is not dying, bc you said she won’t. but she will get into an accident (saw your ask about your 2nd fic + the ideas you have for the plot - kuroo’s war flashbacks 🤭🫣). In the end of the kuroo spinoff i got a feeling that he realised he MIGHT be a little too late in accepting his own feelings towards reader (that’s why i thought she was dying) like they were already there but he REFUSED to accept them and at the same time by being so present in Ran’s life he kept fuelling his one-sided love towards Ran EVEN tho he knew from the beginning that he never had a chance with Ran (he asked this question to kenma if im not mistaken)

so giving my two cents to this 2nd story: the main couple is going to be kuroo x reader and time wise is going to be AFTER reader’s incident and we (readers) are going to know what happened through flashbacks (possibly from kuroo’s pov bc he saw with his own eyes what happened to reader) 🫣🤭

last thing: gut feeling (don’t know if it’s because you have hinted something/replied to someone) but Kuroo not so lowkey hates Osamu. Imagine if Ran got ill bc of Osamu 🤔🫣 like what has Osamu done to make him feel so guilty and wanting to redeem himself towards Ran 👁️👁️

sorry for the long ask

ps. wishing all the best to canon!Kuroo BUT the kuroo in your universe deserves all the angst until proven wrong (just bc he make reader suffer) 😇

oooooHhh the starss, you should listen to them, those are the soundtracks i listened while writing the preludes. you noticed the c2:saitama skies? it also has one already too.

the boys are listed because they'll be playing a big part of that scene after what happens there (also in Ran's life hskshwkhl), it'll be like a "breather" because the following chapters are heavy angst so i needed my readers to relax a lil bit then hit y'all in one go. noticed the last one being still empty? that's ran's hubby's special chap. so the scope of those chapters are from the moment they met ran, to the present [5 years after she got pregnant and got married].

yep, ran has illness, you should really read sakusa's prelude to give you a heads-up 🤣 and yes, that's one of the reason why kuroo's so involved, and i mean all of them too. but that's just not all of it. you'll know sooon.

OKOK, ill make myself very very clear, maybe i said kuroo's yn will die or she won't, just y'all to keep thinking about what i truly mean in that last scene of kuroo's. that last scene is in the last chapters of the fic. it'll be branded heavy angst so you should expect some.. ykyk.

AND OHHHHH, the 2nd fic [EIGHT] is relatively different. it's apart of the 1st fic in some sense but still connected. it's not a continuation of falling stars. you shouldn't confuse yourself with that for a while. we still have 20ish chaps before that. 🤣

[1st fic] i might've mentioned kuroo being on the same stage as osamu. so that's maybe a hint of what really happened/will happen. both of them deserves all the angst i have. ✌🤭 if you ever read vanilla twilight, you'll have a huge idea what their relationship with each other and with ran is.

about EIGHT [2nd fic], it's still ran x her plushie, but in a diff sense. kuroo and the others will still be there, and kuroo and osamu will still play a bigger role than the rest, and some of the characters too.

and kuroo hates osamu because of something that i made a fic about......... or something 🤭 and i just answered something related to this. osamu made a grave mistake, and kuroo knows about it, shirabu knows about it, tooru too, and maybe yuki too. the last line in osamu's prelude is a hint. and noooo, ran didn't get ill because of osamu 😭

you'll know in the ficcc, i'll be back after 1-2 months because i'll be away with no wifi access with me so....

thanks for collating your queries agaiiin. i had fun answering and spilling some infos for ya guys ❤

[ana-cantskywalker]

YES TO ALL OF THIS OP, this is VITAL information, but also

Two riders can ride one horse

NO. I know how romantic it is for the male lead to rescue your heroine and carry her away on his horse but unless it is a VERY short distance or a VERY large horse (think draft) it is totally unfair and very bad for its back to make a horse carry the weight of two riders.

You can bond with a horse instantly the first time you meet it

Well yes, but also no. Sometimes you will just click with a horse. I know when we went to look at my mare there was just something in me that knew she was mine. But there is not going to be this magical moment when you meet a horse that it bonds to you and issues it had with other people are going to vanish. Like with any other relationship, it takes time to build a bond with a horse. And bonding doesn't just come through riding (on the contrary most of it happens on the ground). It happens during feeding and grooming, it happens in round pen work, heck it even happens when you go catch them in the pasture. And lots of people (myself included) when they want to build a relationship, they will make an effort to do things that the horse enjoys whether its a riding or groundwork exercise or a game.

And then some fun facts that i dont think have misconceptions around them but are still nice information to know.

Every horses brain works differently (and therefore there is no one size fits all training program.)

The best example of this I can think of is the difference between my sisters gelding and my mare. Her gelding Storm HATES groundwork, he has a very active brain and he finds it boring. My sister is a trainer and a firm believer in groundwork but she fixes most of his issues under saddle because thats what they both like better, and thats what he responds to. My mare Ahsoka however, loves groundwork. She is also very smart, but she enjoys doing things on the ground.

And not only is it a riding vs groundwork, but every horse is going to run into different obstacles in their training. Some horses are just going to have the personality to be scared of everything and will need a lot of confidence building, some horses are going to take every new thing they see in stride and not bat an eye. They're all different.

Horses have to constantly eat or they will get ulcers

This is something that I dont feel like is talked about enough in the equestrian community. Horses constantly produce stomach acid, so they have to always have something in their belly or they will get too much of a buildup and get ulcers that are very uncomfortable to them, and typically end up being very difficult and costly to treat. We try to make sure ours don't go more than a few hours without an opportunity to eat (ie: if they are at a show or on the trailler) and if we know it will be that long we feed them alfalfa to make a mat on their stomach to keep the acid down.

Lots of aggressive horses are just in pain

There are plenty of aggressive horses. Horses that have been mistreated and therefore react violently out of fear, horses that haven't been taught proper boundaries etc. But plenty of horses with aggressive traits are just in pain, whether it be ulcers or back issues or anything else they are just trying to tell you that they are hurting.

Lots of other issues are also physically related. Whether it be an unwillingness to take a bit, or a refusal to move their body correctly when asked, or being saddle shy, a good horse owner always rules out pain before they see it as a training issue. They cant speak English, and reacting is the only way they know how to tell us.

Horses are walking vet bills

Its not an if your horse will get sick or injured its a when. Horses are smart but they are also stupid. They are going to colic on a Saturday when your about to leave to go out. You're gonna wake up one morning and somebody has their leg stuck in the fence (how? it shouldnt be possible but here we are) and now that small amount of swelling and tiny cut has cellulitis so now you're on antibiotics and coldhosing everyday. Just last week my friends horse who has trailered in that specific trailer hundred of times cut her eyelid open in the trailer while she was pulling out of the driveway and had to get stitches. (we still dont know how she managed)

Horses can and do get performance anxiety

My sister and Storm run barrels (me and Ahsoka will, we are working towards getting her ready). Their work at practice is perfection, but sometimes at shows (he knows the difference between a show and not) he gets nervous and doesn't do as well as he can because of it. They are not stupid, they know when there is pressure to do it the best. They will also feed off of your anxiety because they can sense that.

Spur PSA:

OP objects to spurs, which is fine and completely understandable, but I would like to share a little bit of information to people who don't know anything about them.

Spurs get a very bad wrap because there are lots of people who misuse them. When used CORRECTLY they are simply a signaling tool. They should not be jabbed into a horses side, they should never be sharp enough to cause any sort of pain. Spurs should only be used on advanced horses with specified cues that require spurs. They are less surface area so therefore they can pinpoint a specific spot for a specific cue so that a horse can work virtually completely off of leg pressure. (now this is coming from someone who's has a majority of experience with spurs in the ranch pleasure world). The difference of a very small amount of space can be the difference in a cue for side-passing or pivoting or just moving off on that side. A heel is too large to communicate those differences clearly. They are tool no different than a bit or a saddle or a crop when used correctly. But they should only be used by a rider that knows how to use them and on a horse that is ready for that type of cue. We use whats called bumper spurs, which are (forgive me i suck at explaining shapes of things) a curved piece of wire that attaches on both sides so they part that touches the horse isn't a point of any kind, but in the right hands traditional spurs can be used in a way that is perfectly fine. It's all up to that individual horse and rider team and what works best for both of them.

Horses: Since There Seems To Be A Knowledge Gap

I'm going to go ahead and preface this with: I comment pretty regularly on clips and photos featuring horses and horseback riding, often answering questions or providing explanations for how or why certain things are done. I was a stable hand and barrel racer growing up, and during my 11 year tenure on tumblr, Professional Horse Commentary is a very niche, yet very necessary, subject that needs filling. Here are some of the literary and creative gaps I've noticed in well meaning (and very good!) creators trying to portray horses and riding realistically that... well, most of you don't seem to even be aware of, because you wouldn't know unless you worked with horses directly!

Some Of The Most Common Horse + Riding Mistakes I See:

-Anybody can ride any horse if you hold on tight enough/have ridden once before.

Nope. No, no, no, no, aaaaaaaand, no. Horseback riding has, historically, been treated as a life skill taught from surprisingly young ages. It wasn't unusual in the pre-vehicular eras to start teaching children as young as 4 to begin to ride, because horses don't come with airbags, and every horse is different. For most adults, it can take months or years of regular lessons to learn to ride well in the saddle, and that's just riding; not working or practicing a sport.

Furthermore, horses often reject riders they don't know. Unless a horse has been trained like a teaching horse, which is taught to tolerate riders of all skill and experience levels, it will take extreme issue with having some random person try to climb on their back. Royalty, nobility, and the knighted classes are commonly associated with the "having a favorite special horse" trope, because it's true! Just like you can have a particularly special bond with a pet or service animal that verges on parental, the same can apply with horses. Happy horses love their owners/riders, and will straight-up do their best to murder anyone that tries to ride them without permission.

-Horses are stupid/have no personality.

There isn't a more dangerous assumption to make than assuming a horse is stupid. Every horse has a unique personality, with traits that can be consistent between breeds (again, like cat and dog breeds often have distinct behavior traits associated with them), but those traits manifest differently from animal to animal.

My mother had an Arabian horse, Zipper, that hated being kicked as a signal to gallop. One day, her mom and stepdad had a particularly unpleasant visitor; an older gentleman that insisted on riding Zipper, but refused to listen to my mother's warnings never to kick him. "Kicking" constitutes hitting the horse's side(s) with your heels, whether you have spurs on or not. Most horses only need a gentle squeeze to know what you want them to do.

Anyway, Zipper made eye-contact with my mom, asking for permission. He understood what she meant when she nodded at him. He proceeded to give this asshole of a rider road rash on the side of the paddock fence and sent him to the emergency room. He wouldn't have done it if he didn't have the permission from the rider he respected, and was intelligent enough to ask, "mind if I teach this guy a lesson?" with his eyes, and understand, "Go for it, buddy," from my mom in return.

-Riding bareback is possible to do if you hold onto the horse's mane really tight.

Riding a horse bareback (with no saddle, stirrups, or traditional harness around the horse's head) is unbelievably difficult to learn, particularly have testicles and value keeping them. Even professional riders and equestrians find ourselves relying on tack (the stuff you put on a horse to ride it) to stay stable on our horses, even if we've been riding that particular horse for years and have a very positive, trusting relationship.

Horses sweat like people do. The more they run, the more their hair saturates with sweat and makes staying seated on them slippery. Hell, an overworked horse can sweat so heavily that the saddle slips off its back. It's also essential to brush and bathe a horse before it's ridden in order to keep it healthier, so their hair is often quite slick from either being very clean or very damp. In order to ride like that, you have to develop the ability to synchronize your entire body's rhythm's with the rhythm of the horse's body beneath you, and quite literally move as one. Without stirrups, most people can't do it, and some people can never master bareback riding no matter how many years they spend trying to learn.

-You can be distracted and make casual conversation while a horse is standing untethered in the middle of a barn or field.

At every barn I've ever worked at, it's been standard practice with every single horse, regardless of age or temperament, to secure their heads while they're being tacked up or tacked down. The secures for doing this are simple ropes with clips that are designed to attach to the horse's halter (the headwear for a horse that isn't being ridden; they have no bit that goes in the horse's mouth, and no reins for a rider to hold) on metal O rings on either side of the horse's head. This is not distressing to the horse, because we give them plenty of slack to turn their heads and look around comfortably.

The problem with trying to tack up an unrestrained horse while chatting with fellow stable hands or riders is that horses know when you're distracted! And they often try to get away with stuff when they know you're not looking! In a barn, a horse often knows where the food is stored, and will often try to tiptoe off to sneak into the feed room.

Horses that get into the feed room are often at a high risk of dying. While extremely intelligent, they don't have the ability to throw up, and they don't have the ability to tell that their stomach is full and should stop eating. Allowing a horse into a feed/grain room WILL allow it to eat itself to death.

Other common woes stable hands and riders deal with when trying to handle a horse with an unrestrained head is getting bitten! Horses express affection between members of their own herd, and those they consider friends and family, through nibbling and surprisingly rough biting. It's not called "horseplay" for nothing, because during my years working with horses out in the pasture, it wasn't uncommon at all for me to find individuals with bloody bite marks on their withers (that high part on the middle of the back of their shoulders most people instinctively reach for when they try to get up), and on their backsides. I've been love-bitten by horses before, and while flattering, they hurt like hell on fleshy human skin.

So, for the safety of the horse, and everybody else, always make a show of somehow controlling the animal's head when hands-on and on the ground with them.

-Big Horse = War Horse

Startlingly, the opposite is usually the case! Draft and carriage horses, like Percherons and Friesians, were never meant to be used in warfare. Draft horses are usually bred to be extremely even-tempered, hard to spook, and trustworthy around small children and animals. Historically, they're the tractors of the farm if you could afford to upgrade from oxen, and were never built to be fast or agile in a battlefield situation.

More importantly, just because a horse is imposing and huge doesn't make it a good candidate for carrying heavy weights. A real thing that I had to be part of enforcing when I worked at a teaching ranch was a weight limit. Yeah, it felt shitty to tell people they couldn't ride because we didn't have any horses strong enough to carry them due to their weight, but it's a matter of the animal's safety. A big/tall/chonky horse is more likely to be built to pull heavy loads, but not carry them flat on their spines. Horses' muscular power is predominantly in their ability to run and pull things, and too heavy a rider can literally break a horse's spine and force us to euthanize it.

Some of the best war horses out there are from the "hot blood" family. Hot blooded horses are often from dry, hot, arid climates, are very small and slight (such as Arabian horses), and are notoriously fickle and flighty. They're also a lot more likely to paw/bite/kick when spooked, and have even sometimes been historically trained to fight alongside their rider if their rider is dismounted in combat; kicking and rearing to keep other soldiers at a distance.

-Any horse can be ridden if it likes you enough.

Just like it can take a lifetime to learn to ride easily, it can take a lifetime of training for a horse to comfortably take to being ridden or taking part in a job, like pulling a carriage. Much like service animals, horses are typically trained from extremely young ages to be reared into the job that's given to them, and an adult horse with no experience carrying a rider is going to be just as scared as a rider who's never actually ridden a horse.

Just as well, the process of tacking up a horse isn't always the most comfortable experience for the horse. To keep the saddle centered on the horse's back when moving at rough or fast paces, it's essential to tighten the belly strap (cinch) of the saddle as tightly as possible around the horse's belly. For the horse, it's like wearing a tight corset, chafes, and even leaves indents in their skin afterward that they love having rinsed with water and scratched. Some horses will learn to inflate their bellies while you're tightening the cinch so you can't get it as tight as it needs to be, and then exhale when they think you're done tightening it.

When you're working with a horse wearing a bridle, especially one with a bit, it can be a shocking sensory experience to a horse that's never used a bit before. While they lack a set of teeth naturally, so the bit doesn't actually hurt them, imagine having a metal rod shoved in your mouth horizontally! Unless you understand why it's important for the person you care about not dying, you'd be pretty pissed about having to keep it in there!

-Horseback riding isn't exercise.

If you're not using every muscle in your body to ride with, you're not doing it right.

Riding requires every ounce of muscle control you have in your entire body - although this doesn't mean it wasn't realistic for people with fat bodies to stay their weight while also being avid riders; it doesn't mean the muscles aren't there. To stay on the horse, you need to learn how it feels when it moves at different gaits (walk, trot, canter, gallop), how to instruct it to switch leads (dominant legs; essential for precise turning and ease of communication between you and the horse), and not falling off. While good riders look like they're barely moving at all, that's only because they're good riders. They know how to move so seamlessly with the horse, feeling their movements like their own, that they can compensate with their legs and waists to not bounce out of the saddle altogether or slide off to one side. I guarantee if you ride a horse longer than 30 minutes for the first time, your legs alone will barely work and feel like rubber.

-Horses aren't affectionate.

Horses are extraordinarily affectionate toward the right people. As prey animals, they're usually wary of people they don't know, or have only recently met. They also - again, like service animals - have a "work mode" and a "casual mode" depending upon what they're doing at the time. Horses will give kisses like puppies, wiggle their upper lips on your hair/arms to groom you, lean into neck-hugs, and even cuddle in their pasture or stall if it's time to nap and you join them by leaning against their sides. If they see you coming up from afar and are excited to see you, they'll whinny and squeal while galloping to meet you at the gate. They'll deliberately swat you with their tails to tease you, and will often follow you around the pasture if they're allowed to regardless of what you're up to.

-Riding crops are cruel.

Only cruel people use riding crops to hurt their horses. Spurs? I personally object to, because any horse that knows you well doesn't need something sharp jabbing them in the side for emphasis when you're trying to tell them where you want them to go. Crops? Are genuinely harmless tools used for signalling a horse.

I mean, think about it. Why would crops be inherently cruel instruments if you need to trust a horse not to be afraid of you and throw you off when you're riding it?

Crops are best used just to lightly tap on the left or right flank of the horse, and aren't universally used with all forms of riding. You'll mainly see crops used with English riding, and they're just tools for communicating with the horse without needing to speak.

-There's only one way to ride a horse.

Not. At. All. At most teaching ranches, you'll get two options: Western, or English, because they tend to be the most popular for shows and also the most common to find equipment for. English riding uses a thinner, smaller saddle, narrower stirrups, and much thinner bridles. I, personally, didn't like English style riding because I never felt very stable in such a thin saddle with such small stirrups, and didn't start learning until my mid teens. English style riding tends to focus more on your posture and deportment in the saddle, and your ability to show off your stability and apparent immovability on the horse. It was generally just a bit too stiff and formal for me.

Western style riding utilizes heavier bridles, bigger saddles (with the iconic horn on the front), and broader stirrups. Like its name may suggest, Western riding is more about figuring out how to be steady in the saddle while going fast and being mobile with your upper body. Western style riding is generally the style preferred for working-type shows, such as horseback archery, gunning, barrel racing, and even rodeo riding.

-Wealthy horse owners have no relationship with their horses.

This is loosely untrue, but I've seen cases where it is. Basically, horses need to feel like they're working for someone that matters to them in order to behave well with a rider and not get impatient or bored. While it's common for people to board horses at off-property ranches (boarding ranches) for cost and space purposes, it's been historically the truth that having help is usually necessary with horses at some point. What matters is who spends the most time with the animal treating it like a living being, rather than a mode of transport or a tool. There's no harm in stable hands handling the daily upkeep; hay bales and water buckets are heavy, and we're there to profit off the labor you don't want or have the time to do. You get up early to go to work; we get up early to look after your horses. Good owners/boarders visit often and spend as much of their spare time as they can with spending quality work and playtime with their horses. Otherwise, the horses look to the stable hands for emotional support and care.

So, maybe you're writing a knight that doesn't really care much for looking after his horse, but his squire is really dedicated to keeping up with it? There's a better chance of the horse having a more affectionate relationship with the squire thanks to the time the squire spends on looking after it, while the horse is more likely to tolerate the knight that owns it as being a source of discipline if it misbehaves. That doesn't mean the knight is its favorite person. When it comes to horses, their love must be earned, and you can only earn it by spending time with them hands-on.

-Horses can graze anywhere without concern.

This is a mistake that results in a lot of premature deaths! A big part of the cost of owning a horse - even before you buy one - is having the property that will be its pasture assessed for poisonous plants, and having those plants removed from being within the animal's reach. This is an essential part of farm upkeep every year, because horses really can't tell what's toxic and what isn't. One of the reasons it's essential to secure a horse when you aren't riding it is to ensure it only has a very limited range to graze on, and it's your responsibility as the owner/rider to know how to identify dangerous plants and keep your horses away from them.

There's probably more. AMA in my askbox if you have any questions, but that's all for now. Happy writing.

[toomuchgas10]

Suffering and seeing if life just fits things for you is a cop out its the default its the bare minimum. Telling me that i have no choice of the matter is bs and i should be allowed to say or do something about it.

Especially that you stand there and we can do something about we can have that discussion.

Sick and tired of authoritarianism standing over me. I need to be surrounded by people more interested in cooperation.

No different than my family.

but you just standing there "i dont wanna i dont wanna I wanna while you do the most annoying useless shit ever. don't need you. useless. you do not deserve to have that permission over me."

Sometimes there are people that should be given the authority who always has the best interests at everyone. I was that person byt no. You assholes and anarchy and cheap mario kart rules. and Yvonne enabling it! accusing me of such things is down right disgusting destructive.

fuck all of you and your petty feelings for revenge.

fuck all of you and your want to rip people off.

not that stupid little shit.

god damn you Yvonne.

you cant make loving decisions its just in your ability. i could.

if it was you would have encouraged me and empowered me not left me in isolation while a party is going on just to rub it in my face hahahahahha im better than you your trash.

no you made decisions AGAINST ME.

it didnt teach me what i needed to learn i learned it on my own while you complicated things.

at least now i know what good i would i have said that would have been fake. and useless. and a rip off too.

its what you all wanted. not me. it pleases you and your needs. i dont hate myself i just know you would go psycho if something good went my way.

absolute bs what you just said. YOU KNOW BETTER.

"i DON'T UNDERSTAND! i DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

OH SO THAT'S WHY YOUR REFUSING.

oh so nothing else made sense to you then.

Sorry I need someone better than that.

I didn't ask for road dragged through the mud.

I want miss my brain before that. and you refuse to give the environment back. and you expect me to do it in isolation. and you expect me to do it in a environment that wants to take form me and give nothing back!

You actually believe that I DONT WANT anything good to happen to me?

AND THAT'S BS AND YOU KNOW IT!

Your seriously confused about that?

boy am i pissed.

No! Do something about it. Speak to me! WTF!

The most pathetic thing i never heard.

Suffering for no reason!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because you think I want it as a gift!?!?!?

WHAT!?

You know want to know what I want? I want people to stop doing things at a distance constantly having me to figure things out in the dark BECAUSE I HAVE TO! You want to know what I want I want something big to happen with out a little weeny like ryan fucking everything up play cheap bs!

You wanna know what I want? I want to my way of things to go from my perspective not from assholes who think their funny. My authority! Because everything is gonna go wrong against me forcing me to have none whatsoever! fuck your priorities your priorities are shit!

I want people to interact with me! and trust me when I have a GOOOD IDEA! I want to be included! I want o be able to change something when something bad happens!!!

you want to know what i want i want people to tell me things. i wanna know if some little shit is fucking around trying to get away with something SOMEBODY TELL ME! fuck your stupid ass popularity contest. "noooo! just figure it ouut! just figure it out!! let God sort it all out!" ohhh yea? costing me decades huh...

you wanna know what i want stop doing things forcing other people to hate me or be envious of something that is clearly not benefiting me.

You want to know what i want. Respect me because my ideas were successful. They should mean something.

I cannot sit a hear and be blindfolded.

"have it your way" oh ok then. drop everything i ever told you detrimental for me. If those instructions confuse you after i have told you to do that time after time after time after time after time. if that confuses you. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO RUN THINGS OR HAVE SOMETHING IN YOUR HANDS! I demanded being able to be spoken to. communicate to clearly. that is absolutely seriously unacceptable. And if you truly believe that since the youngest "well your not suppose to say things like that or have that kind of say so" boy do we have a problem. its disgusting. and i have EVERY REASON TO BE FURIOUS! "well you need to polite and blah blahblah" nope! you crossed a very very very bad line. Its you thats an anarchist not me.

reverse hippo shoving/shiving.

You think you can do whatever the fuck you want because im at the bottom. Nothing fucking else mattered or made any difference whatsoever. you allowed your self to be so reckless with me and and gave ever buddy else the the benefit of doubt but to you i just had to be the worst! Whwen I had my melt down its not because I believed it its because after so much abuse you conditioned me. by adolescence that amount of invert pressure flipping me like that is intense. if i can psycho analyze myself better than anybody else can especially Edlin that stupid diddling moron.

Not once did I ever say I wanted to struggle in poverty. you knew YOOOU KNEEEW. What opportunities I was looking for what direction in life i wanted to go. That's nightmare life IM TRYING TO AVOID!!!!

you want to punish me for sarcasm. too late. learn to intrepid. because the damage has been done there is no recovering from that. thats not punishing you knew better. What did you want to take that personal its about you but now you made it personal.

but it doesn't matter. because we peaked there. and my generation was the beginning of the decline.

"no no! no! no! we have to tick to the blue prints!!" no!!!!!!!!!!

Now or or then would I could ever possibly do that to someone. thats probably why I started making things harder on myself. because of her.

Oh is it sad to you.....

well lets not allow you arrogantly to tell my story or take the reigns then shall we.

[puppyfairymi]

hihi.

its currently 2 am and i couldnt sleep but i kind of had a revelation??? if thats the right word o_o well im not sure but the point is i feel like im rediscovering myself!! i've felt so out of control with my life and myself lately. so disconnected from the person who was speaking from this body but tonight something changed. i could NOT sleep. and i got lost in thought. but some magical thing makes me think that wasnt for no reason. i suddenly felt like my world got bright again?? as if nothing changed or like i never felt lost in myself. it was such a fast shift and weird time that i refuse to believe it wasn't meant to happen. im also thinking perhaps i was also reacting out of a sense of confusion. i mean.. staying up late isnt healthy i admit. but its been a part of who i am since forever. somehow i can hear my thoughts again in this silence. i dont feel like im putting on a mask. or a play. i just feel like its me, my thoughts and the universe. i feel like me again. and i want to cherish that. im unaware if its the staying up. or just a sudden thought. whatever it is im so happy to finally feel so full of life and have life feel so fluffy and dreamy again. a part of me also feels like its the change. i mean i never felt safe before sure. but my surroundings were mine. my things were mine. my schedule was mine. i was surrounded by the things i loved. the things that i found so much comfort in. that reminded me of my whimsy self. even if things got weird or felt bad i never needed to doubt or feel unsecure. because i knew everything around me was just what id created. it was my own. so many things. so much freedom!!! well i guess freedom is a strong word considering the situation was anything but- however!!! the enclosed space was my own and thats my point!! if im being honest im really struggling. i know everyones supposed to do this adult thing but i really dont think i can. even now im barley doing what most people have to do and i feel so inhuman. when i dont have my own space my own time and my own things i dont feel like myself. somehow feeling like im constantly needed to do things. so much responsibility. no sense of my own time no schedule of my own and just feeling that i have to take on so much maturity. its too much for me. i understand how this could sound bratty or immature to some but for me its just myself. if im feeling so disconeceted from myself just trying or living it for a few months is it really normal? if i can even function thoughts like the person ive always been am i still existing or am i just fufilling this robotic role thats expected to survive. i cant do it. O_O and realising now LIKE actually feeling liek me again!!! and realising how disconnected i was... i HATE and i know thats a big word but i truly HATE how that made me feel/act/be. ive always been an overthinker. a blessing and a curse but its been me. and ive grown to love myself for it. but recently i just feel like theres so little thought behind my own individuality. so little thought behind what i do. its just being on alert. and mature mode. i dont think im supposed to be the sun. i think im just a star. im supposed to float just out of reach of everything. enough space to keep me dreaming of a fairytale. but far enough to be unbothered in my eternal slumber. i shine the most when im left to my dreams. its exhausting trying to have a normal life and im still trying for some reason but i just feel alien. im realising people like me because im whimsy, im dreamy, im childilike because i dream. but as soon as i dont get to be in that space anymore. i just feel like a fleshy blob of nothing.

whats the point of a soul if im just a pile of skin with no soul. i want my soul back. i want it back. let me have it!!! :( is it really a secret if my soul belongs to me or is that just invasion.

--------------------------------

i feel as though getting to be me has become a rarity. despite my optimism. after a few tears and having my thoughts interrupted and pleated from my mind. im not sure what i have anymore

[magicalslug]

so like WHATEVER, WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WHAT IF I LOST THE WILL TO LIVE

WHO CARES!!!!!!! I'M HAVING A FABULOUS TIME ANYWAY

I've lost myself to impulsive purchases and overeating and refusing myself the need to cry

WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went to a therapist for 2 months and you know what happened?!?!? SHE DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY TRAUMA

THEN BLAMED MEEEEEEEEEE FOR NOT OPENING UP FOR HER

FUCK1}}}}}}}}}}}

SHE DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO QUESTION ME ABOUT IT

"Well you see, we don't seek to revictimize people" WELL HOW ABOUT YOU ASK QUESTIONS AND BACK OFF WHEN I TELL YOU I DON'T WANNA ANSWER SOME THINGS. HOW ABOUT YOU TRY TO GET ME TO TALK!!!!!!! HOW ABOUT YOU MAKE ME FEEL COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO TALK!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm blaming her because

It hurts

It hurts to once more realize I'm the one in the wrong.

I went to the therapist. And at first I was like "can we talk about my trauma. can we please explore my childhood trauma that has root in the horrific abuse i suffered/suffer actively even now"

And she was like

"well first we need to focus on your present, not stay stuck in your past" FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANNA TALK ABOUT IT IM FUCKING TIRED OF BEING SILENT ABOUT IT I AM BROKEN AND I WAS HURT AND I AM HURT AND I WILL NEVER BE A WHOLE PERSON EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LACK SOMETHING OTHER PEOPLE HAVE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!!!! EXCEPT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS TAKEN FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!

HOW ABOUT YOU SIT DOWN AND LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway.

She didn't make it a secret that she kinda avoided talking about my childhood trauma because she wasn't an expert in it and she had to investigate more. to deal with my trauma.

Except that for most of my sessions she would suggest an exercise. And I would go "I don't think it's working for me, this whole "talk to the inner child" thing. Because I don't manage to get into this make believe space. I can't even separate the inner child from who i am now. It's me. It's always just been me. It feels like I'm fooling myself"

and she would go "well how about u try at home anyway :)"

And like i get it. She didn't know how to handle my trauma.

But the exercises were so. Basic? The exercises made to know yourself.

I know myself. I know exactly what's wrong with me, and to a degree, how to fix them. But also I'm too inside my head and I'm anxious AND I DON'T WANNA BE MEDICATED!!!!!!!!! IM SCARED OF IT!!!!!!!!!!! THE PILLS WILL KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(No, they won't. I'm just scared of becoming dependent or being unable to afford them in the future. Also, why bother with medicine when the issue at hand is just my abusive environment and not... Not really my mental illness. Like, don't get me wrong, it is an issue.)

(But when I was far away from here, I was stable and happy and flourished)

(and now i just actively think about. That. so much)

Also.

Also. well SHE never tried to get me to talk about my trauma. I guess in words, i'd say she didn't make a space for me to be able to talk about it?

And then my sessions ended.

And I told her, as feedback, "hey i feel like i was never given the space to explore my childhood trauma, to be able to openly talk about it, and that just made me feel like my worst fears were true: that what happened to me was too shameful and horrific that no one wants to hear it. that i'm tainted and don't deserve to speak about it"

And then she kinda chastised me for never opening up to her because i never asked to talk about it.

I just.

I had to sit there and take it and nod and pretend I didn't want to yell and scream that I'M TOO POWERLESS, TOO WEAK. I need the permission. I need the permission to talk about it. IM CURSED IM CURSED AND I NEED THE PERMISSION, LIKE SOMEONE THAT ONLY KNOWS HOW TO FOLLOW ORDERS. I HATE IT I HATE IT I AM SO USED TO BE CONTROLLED AND SILENCED, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So i just nodded and went "yeah okay." and shut up for 20 minutes while she wrote notes on her file silently.

Anyway.

Therapy wasn't great.

Not... Not what I hoped?

Between the previous "someone saying they loved me for months only to turn out it was all a joke" incident and this i just

what the fuck, hm?

So what are we playing at??

Just.

Worst nightmares made real and now what? what am i fucking left with???

Lessons learned:

I'm unlovable and there's something inherently wrong with me which makes me unlovable, and it's something everyone can see and I can never truly understand

It's true, I'm too broken, and I am beyond fixing, and I will never be able to change. In fact, my problems are so big that even professionals won't touch them with a ten mile pole. Shit life syndrome, probably.

Was I a bad patient? Probably.

I was bad. I was bad. I was bad. I didn't try hard enough with the exercises.

I didn't wanna talk to the inner child.

she kept saying "you're such a strong woman, this is why you've survived"

i hate that

i hated hearing that so much

I'M NOT A FUCKING WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I AM WEAK. I AM PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND IM NOT A FUCKING WOMAN!!!!!!!!

she said it each time

"Your inner child has been saved each time by you, because you've been such a strong woman that has been strong all along!" FUCKING, GENERIC, DIALOGUE.

you say this TO EVERYONE!!!!!!! THEY SAY THIS TO EVERY SURVIVOR!!!!!!

AND IM NOT STRONG, IM WEAK AND I WANT TO []

IM NOT A WOMAN!!!!!!! THAT'S

THAT'S INHERENTLY PART OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

I EXPERIENCE STRONG DYSPHORIA AND I DON'T LIKE MYSELF!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!!!!! THEY TOOK A PART OF ME AND NOW I WILL FOREVER BE INCOMPLETE AND THIS MAKES ME NOT A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NEVER BE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T BE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm

I'm barely even a person anymore.

...

...

I'm being so mean. whatever.

I told her I wrote a lot about my feelings, that it was one of the few outlets i had to express myself and vent about my worst moments.

She just acknowledged it in a "well that's good, it's nice you have that" and we never spoke of it ever again.

didn't ask to know more about it.

And.

I don't know what I expected.

I guess hollywood truly rots your brain.

I expected a therapist that would ask me questions, and by asking questions would force me to finally verbalize these things I keep inside myself.

I was ready to answer questions.

Instead she just. talked and talked and occasionally asked me surface things. Which is fair i guess.

Make no mistake, she also didn't make it a secret that apparently she wasn't given enough resources to treat her patients. Like, it was kinda raggedy in the sense that she couldn't even get the printer to work most of the time because she had 2 pesos and a dream as budget.

Anyway.

That ended.

And she went "I wanna thank you because I learned so much from this experience"

Fucking hell. Shut the hell up. You didn't even learn I wasn't a woman.

Fuck, we didn't even get to mention I was gay.

She didn't learn shit from me.

So that hurt.

It felt like a last slap to the face.

I'm glad i was a cute little failed experiment.

But what did i fucking get from this???? I got to go home to cry because no one will come to save me????

And I'm truly, so so truly, alone?

I know. I know it was my fault. I had too high expectations. Perhaps I didn't give it my all.

But im so fucking depressed that doing most things made me feel so tired.

I don't wanna talk to my inner child. Because they're dead. They killed it, they killed it and something broken and weird took their place.

And that is who I am today.

And my thoughts? My written thoughts are all sad and violent and alarming. Disgusting.

And...

And i'm so tired all the time that I couldn't even watch the movies she recommended in full. Had to watch resumes. Because where would i get the time?

It's my fault this didn't work.

It's my fault.

"You have to let go of your guilt" I DONT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, I FEEL RAGE!!!!!!!! I FEEL RAGE!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW IM NOT FUCKING GUILTY!!!!!!!!!! BUT NOW IM THE ONLY ONE LEFT FEELING DIRTY AND GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is that guilt? Is that guilt? Or just an understandable reaction given how life has treated me like i'm a gross freak?

And make no mistake

I am a gross freak

But i feel that's secondary from how life has treated me. Society i guess.

I'm barely a person, I'm more vermin than anything.

I will never be anything more than this.

And i hate my job.

i hate it.

..

...

A guy killed himself, a guy i worked with once. We weren't even close.

But we talked, a few times. Briefly.

He was friendly.

Anyway. That was a week ago.

The company didn't even really acknowledge it in a "we're sorry about our dear teammate" way.

Nothing. Crickets. And I'm expected to deal with the questions my team members have about it because I'm the team lead.

I'm expected to deal with it. Even though now i can't stop thinking.

This fucking company that i hate. Will not even say my name. When I die for it.

This job will kill me and no one will ever care about it.

....

....

I miss my friends. I can't even talk to them nowadays because I'm so busy and so tired,

I don't know why i even bother. with it all.

It makes no sense to me anymore.

The money is good. The money is good.

But i keep buying stupid shit i don't need.

Because I'm looking for a reason to stay working there.

Even though it makes me miserable.

...

I keep applying to things. And they won't reply.

I'm over qualified for the things I apply to.

They won't call me.

they won't call me.

....

I miss my friends.

I miss not being wholly depressed. I miss when i was managing it. I miss when i thought i was... able to Control it.

Not like now.

....

...

A guy I barely knew killed himself and I can't stop thinking about it.

A girl I work with said "He was tired. Now I'm glad he's not suffering anymore"

I don't wanna suffer anymore.

....

...

..

I need to quit. I'm too miserable where i am and frankly, i don't know what i'm aiming for by staying at that job.

My senior manager gives us advice like "when you get to my position--" and i check out.

Because i don't want his role. his job seems even more miserable.

So like. what am i doing there, if i don't even care to grow and frankly i'm only there for the paycheck.

The office could burn and i would not care at all.

....

I'm tired, and I'm frustrated, and I'm sad.

But...

But I will not give up so easily on life.

There's art i want to make.

There's things I want to write.

I wanna make art.

Love never saved anybody. Art never saved anybody.

But I wanna make art.

Because it's the only thing that makes sense to me anymore.

The only thing that gives my life meaning.

.....

I will quit soon.

I'm not afraid of the backlash.

Because nothing will be as horrible as getting up everyday and feeling like an empty husk, being puppeteered around by inertia.

...

I will quit soon.

I will quit soon.

I'm afraid.

I'm weak.

But even a weak thing like me, a coward like me, can hit the bricks.

You can quit.

You're allowed to quit!!!

You're allowed to be a failure!!!

It's not the worst thing!!!!

And

And you can always move forward

It's never too late for that

(But it will be too late if you don't escape) (I know you want to escape from it all)

(But small steps. yeah?)

(It's okay, i'll love you anyway)

(As long as you're happy, I'll love you)

(no matter what, I'll love you)

[puddlesl1me]

How far do I want to spiral today, me? Let's find out~

Starting from the top I suppose, to ensure maximum despair.

...

i hate myself. so very much

its so awful of me that i can choose to spiral whenever i want. that i can choose to feel bad.

i cant be doing this, i cant be treating people i know like this, because theyve got other issues to take care of other than me. me and my fake issues

me and my made up issues.

its awful that i want to feel worse, isnt it? that i want to be doing worse mentally.

i was able to convince myself in the past that self harm was "cool and fun" like some kind of freak, and then i actually started to enjoy it. fake issues

its awful of me that i want to have more mental issues, that i want to be a system.

all for what? to stand out? to feel important and significant? awful awful awful awful. nothing about me is good

to want to experience the horrible things that others have to experience to stand out just a little more is awful and pathetic. no normal person would do this.

no good person would do this.

and everything i do is to stand out, isnt it? to feel significant and important? to feel unique? you idiot! you absolute blinding idiot! no one is unique, your quest is pointless, and its stupid.

to go to such lengths to feel significant is awful awful awful. literally no one should like you. this disqualifies all other potentially good aspects about you.

i cant believe im so nothing that ill resort to this. to making myself awful in the worst way.

i have nothing going for me. no important skills to speak of, nothing important that ive ever made, no traits that make me significant

my resumé is a blank sheet of paper, save for my name and age. nothing anout me is worthy of note or important enough to matter.

oh, itd be so much easier if i could just gain a skill.

but im not good at anything expect for a lack of changing

i cant change myself into someone new in a positive manner. no, thatd be too simple!

instead i have to make myself worse and worse and worse, taking in whatever bad qualities i can to stand out. to feel like i matter. to disobey my actual place in the world.

even as i write this, i notice how i used "you" in an above section and i wonder if thats indicative of a system. no, wonder isnt quite the right word, now is it? you mean hope, idiot. you hope that its indicative of a system, because you want to feel like you have something to say about yourself.

you wont. ever. and i bet this voice youre putting of is fake too, isnt it? to try and garner attention, to try and convince others to help you think youre a system.

why did i switch to using "you" again? i suppose it did genuinely feel appropriate

...yeah, youd think so, huh. sure, go ahead and convince people youre a system, or try to. i know you dont want to. you fear making basic mistakes; youd never admit to being a system when you kniw you arent one. shut up.

now, we had been talking about being unchanging, hmm? did we mention that we refuse to get new skills? well, of course thats the case. you wouldnt want to start out being bad at something, would you? nooo, thatd be unforgivable, you cant be bad at things! you wimp.

useless useless useless. you cant change except for the worse, then you complain about how youre doing badly. and you fake all your symptoms too, dont you? you arent a system, im not real, you fabricated me to convince yourself that you were more unique than you actually were.

oh, you wanna talk? mention how all of this has been your thoughts transcribed almost perfectly? well, looks like i did it for you, dummy. not handing the reins back over to you

hey, why are you keeping me around? to seem even worse off than you are? you could push back, i know it. i know how this looks to everyone else, but believe me, he isnt a system. im not real, im made up because he wanted to be special.

...yeah no you dont get the reins back. im not gonna let you explain whatever it was you wanted to. and besides, i can tell you still want me around. for what, im not sure, but im almost certain its to make you feel worse.

so, i suppose ill stay, and make others think youre a system, and make you have to convince them otherwise.

...yknow its much harder to convince others if youre keeping me around, right? ohhh, i see, you want the others to convince YOU that youre a system. good luck with thst, you know you arent.

not sure why im still writing here. i had some other thoughts, but i forgot them. shame i cant type faster.

you... still dont want the reins, hmm? want to convince others that youre a system even more? or maybe youre just hoping that if i stay around, itll appear as if this is just you. or maybe... idk something else. cant type fast enough for my thoughts.

were not a system, end of story. idiots just playing, well, an idiot. an awful awful awful idiot. such a shame that you have system friends too, i wonder how theyd feel about this.

oh, wanna say something to counteract what i said? go ahead, try and counter it. i know you cant.

who knows, maybe this isnt a sign of being a system. maybe were just being super arrogant. maybe were awful friends for not knowing more about systems. you know you are, and you know you should learn more. and yet you dont, do you? stupid unchanging crabface. get a life.

oh, actually: dont! get rid of yours, maybe. i know you want to. you convinced yourself it was a good idea, so youd stand out more.

...maybe this whole "you" thing is just a persona youre putting on, to try and trick everybody, including yourself. not super hard to do that, after all, and it makes yelling at yourself easier.

i still cant believe you wanted to have trauma so youd be a system. did we msntion that? it wasnt just a brief thought, either. how else to become a system, and to become significant at the same time! you just need to be horrible and awful, and youre now significant!

...im gonna end this here. its getting long, and i dont think i (he? (it?)) has much left to say that isnt just repeating whats been said.