#and i looked cute and gnc enough for myself

[misty-missdee]

Outfits to meet your mother in.

[catboybiologist]

Hi! I'm Sierra. Time for a pinned post refresh.

Otherwise known as CatboyBiologist, or @hi-sierra (my SFW blog [this one is SFW too, but less so]). This page is remaining active, but if you want to find me somewhere else, I use the same username on reddit, Instagram, co-host, and tech.lgbt. This is me:

Trans woman, PhD student in molecular biology, boymoder, shitposter, freediver, hot girl on your phone, hiker, rambler (this post included), tgirl tummy tuesday supplier and enjoyer, former femboy, bane of bioessentialist fuckwads who try to use biology to validate biogotry, flaming bisexual, 196 nanocelebrity… whatever was the first thing that brought you to my blog, I hope it’s enough to get you to stay! I post selfies, hornyposts (minors and people who are averse to that be warned), stuff about the ocean, posts about my growing sense of wanderlust, my adorable lil tortoise, tutorials for transfemmes and GNC people, rambles about science, documentation of my own transition, rambles about transness, rambles about the eroticism of programming a machine to feel arousal, rambles about nature, and random shitposts. Please send me pictures of cute animals in your life!

If you wanna support my science career and my transition, consider dropping a tip here! PhD salaries are notorious for being negotiated to be exactly the cost of living…. And then forgotten about for years as inflation drops that below minimum wage. So I’m always a little strapped for cash. Anything helps!

Links to some of my tutorials and relevant resources under the cut:

I'm tracking my transition, and some people have said they found this helpful! This spreadsheet is generally updated monthly:

Usually, I write a little journal to go with it when it updates- you can find that under the #trans journal on my blog.

If you're interested in checking out some of the things I'm trying to write, here's a post with links to individual stories I'm making:

https://www.tumblr.com/catboybiologist/741010247774306304/writing-consolidation-post?source=share

My femboy guide, written well before I started HRT, but still has relevant info:

A "boyboob" tutorial, aka how to make it look like you have cleavage in an outfit that looks better with it:

A quick and dirty guide to taking better selfies, with a specific emphasis on people who may have stopped hating their body recently due to transition:

And here's a few of my personal favorite little rambles and posts about my transness, in no particular order:

CW for transphobia on this one:

A massive shoutout to @foldingfittedsheets for this amazing art of the lil borgir holding a trans flag:

I adore this so much <3 if you want to support their art, her commissions are open and really sweet!!!!

And of course, a massive shoutout to @whalesharkcat for this lovely pixel art of my tortoise:

I still love this so much, and will continue to into the future <3

For preHRT selfies, search the femboy tag. For post HRT selfies, use the "trans selfie" tag. I've been on HRT since August of 2023, so I'm still very early in the process! Day to day, I present male, but I plan to change that around the 1 year mark.

I guess that's about it! One final note is that I've been alluding to video/podcast style things for a while now. With my aderrall prescription, I've actually put in a lot of research work that might lead to 1-4 of those, so that might actually happen in the near future! No promises of course, life always catches up to you.

And if you liked my previous pinned post better, here it is:

Anyways, if you read this far, thanks for sticking around and bbyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[future-boi]

Get To Know Me Tag Game!

Thanks to @mythical-bookworm and @alex-a-fans for tagging me.

tbh this is just a song rec list LMAO [easier to open in a browser fyi]

1) Spell your name in songs

Y'all get two for the price of one cuz I couldn't decide if I wanted to go with all non-English songs or not.

The non-English songs are labeled with 🧋 in case you wanna avoid 🤪

Warning: Most of the songs in english have swear words so... just in case u got kids or ur strict parents around LMAO.

⚡️ F: Fighter Not a Lover

aro/ace people gonna love that shit ^ + no swear words

alt: fml u fucked me up

⚡️ U: URARA🧋

It translates to 'Oo-la-la', which I now realize is the magazine Biff was carrying around in the second movie... this was unintentional and the meaning of the song is very wholesome, trust me

alt: Upside Down

⚡️ T: this was a demo for this one song...

That one's like 50% f-bombs ^ i love it

alt: Toxic but its NOT Brittany, B*tch 💅

The most aggressive entry on this list

⚡️ U: Up Up and Away

The only f-bomb is in the second verse

alt: Unmei no Roulette Mawashite 🧋

'unmei' means 'destiny' so you know I had to include it

⚡️ R: Raining in Manila (half 🧋)

Couple of dudes just vibin' out in the studio, what's not to love?

alt: RAHHHH

^im convinced this is what suburbanites see in their nightmares

⚡️ E: Electricity (half 🧋)

alt: Extensyon

Both make up the most WHOLESOME entry in this

⚡️ -(hyphen): Hatid Sundo 🧋

Baby. Baby boi. Baby. vibes ^

alt: Hell to Sell

EVIL. vibes ^

🚫🧢 I have a problem with tonal whiplash. Did I cheat and use the hyphen to include the most wholesome and cute song right before pulling out the lowkey most scandalous song in the list? YES.

Just realized it doesn't work as well if you can't understand it, but trust me. I mean just listening to its vibes is enough 😩

⚡️ B: Balik Sa Umpisa 🧋

Any song that samples/remixes 'Stand By Me' is a W in my book.

alt: Bodybag

I'm just self-reporting at this point.

Ok the rest are very wholesome songs I swear

⚡️ O: Oretachi Rookies 🧋

alt: Oh, Imagine That

ok this one's tied for most wholesome in the list

⚡️ I: I/Me/Myself

gnc/nb people gonna love this shit ^

alt: I Really Like You

that was a struggle, R is the top pick to check out imo. E, O and I are the wholesome ones with no swear words if u care.

2) Why did you choose your URL?

Its based. ..off the song in the musical. I got back into the fandom because of the musical so I owe it that much. 'boi' sounds more gender-neutral than 'boy'

3) What is your middle name?

That's a secret!

4) If you could be any mythical creature, what would you be?

Shapeshifter.

5) Favorite color?

Purple. Lavender/Periwinkle specifically.

6) Song you love right now?

What? 🧋 The amount of crackhead energy, but genuine emotion... AND AESTHETIC. it was literally made for me LMAO Ken is so aggro but hes singing about not littering. like why is he so intimidating-- but i support the eco-friendly king. but fr the song is about waving ur flag with pride??? PRIDE???? and they look androgynous asf??? whats not to love

7) Top four fandoms? (Current Fandoms?)

Back to the Future

That's it

jk uhhh, Invincible

Thats it, dont wanna get into past fandoms rn

8) Tag nine people

mf u think i know 9 people??

im playin, lemme tag some cool people... not that u have to do this, i just wanted to bother u 🤪 but feel free to do it, i wanna hear other music 🥺🥺🥺

⚡️ @maxintime LOVE UR ART STYLE. BEEN TOO SHY TO BOTHER U THO 😭

⚡️ @jowritesfanfiction my inspo, my density, ILY. Im never shy bout bothering u in my posts HAVE U GOTTEN THE RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST ME YET 🤪🤪😭😭😭 ive tagged this mf in every other post istg

⚡️ @moth-makay ur great frfr 😭😭 all the hugs. r u gonna post more art??? cuz u shouuuld 🥺

⚡️ @bttf-dork ur name and pfp give comfy vibes??? its very endearing. dunno how to describe it, but i like seeing u in my notifs 🥰 bUT UR ART DOHHH. immaculate. underrated.

⚡️ @pepsifox88 i hope u continue to cook ✨ everyone go and GIVE THEM SUPPORT, I AM NO LONGER ASKING

and to the rest of u, thank u for liking a bunch of my work, whenever i see long lists of likes like that, or if i see ur name often 'nuff, i always notice 😇, i never know how to say thank you!!

@leftoverspagehhti

@karorurodriguez

@epikprinc

@mapleflavedpepperoni

@xmaster3000

@jayisnotdrawing

@jackofthecards

@ectojester

@cat0marble

Didn't include everyone, but just know that i noticed you!!! 💝

watch me get reported for harassment by all these people 😂

[aeoneris]

for archival reasons, and because rise has officially ended, i'm coping by looking back at the past two years and thinking about the master utsushi rabbit hole. this is based on a long reply i sent to a mutual but i think it deserved to have its own post where others can read it and i can expand further on certain details. or something. i don't know. i have no idea who will read this but if you do, please enjoy...

the ballad of master utsushi.

he was there regardless.

always watching.

waiting.

i wound up getting attached to utsushi-kyokan (master/instructor utsushi), ウツハン/utsuhan (utsushi x hunter) ship, and finding his Japanese fan community late 2021, and i've been chatting with mutuals and friends i made there since. at that time, capcom had opened up pre-orders for his nui (plushie). this plush is lovingly referred to as "Unui-kun", and people love to take him around and bring him places. here's my Unui-kun in new york city lol

fans love to dress him up and make clothing and accessories for him. had i known just how attached i would become, i would not have set my Unui-kun to ship via surface mail delivery because it took about 2-3 months extra for him to arrive... ;;

but anyway, it seemed that his popularity was growing because they continued to make more merch of him. he seems to have more than any of the other characters.

many of these are limited print/pre-order only, or were from specific events like the capcom cafe features. trying to get his merchandise became crazy, because scalpers started to pick up on how badly people wanted goodies of him?!

just how popular is this guy?! what's with the character tax!!

and how did this even happen... we're playing monster hunter, not an idol game! but i think it really speaks a lot for itself how rise had such colorful characters that you could get attached to. it seems he really jives with many female and queer players, so good on capcom for that hehe. many of the japanese fans i've met are either older women, very often mothers, or gnc, which i found to be really cool. the english-speaking utsushi fans are usually the same, too. the solidarity is real...

I found out that a lot of ppl, including myself, shared a similar experience: they missed out on a majority of utsushi's flavor text in base rise bc they didn't talk to him or the other NPCs very much during village and high rank quests, and therefore didn't even think much of him until after the fact. people double-taking when going through the game again and actually catching on to his antics... I think what really got things going was when they released his DLC voice and learned about his, uh, extremely affectionate lines towards the hunter when it comes to mew mew and blowing a kiss LOL. (the "welcome back, master!" line?!?! there's so much art of him in a maid outfit... and the way he says ace/manadeshi in his sleep at the table?!?! scandalous?!?!) even for me, he got my attention only once i saw the official art of him (realizing "hey he's got a cute design actually") and eventually encountering utsushi x hunter fanart on pixiv. another thing that got me noticing him was brian david gilbert's now deleted tweet about how zac efron and utsushi are the same. thankfully, we have the internet archive to save the existence of this post and i have to make sure people experience this lost media.

once i realized how weirdly close he was to the hunter, the gears started turning

i confirmed that ppl really did notice that it was unusual for an instructor character to refer to his pupil as "manadeshi (beloved/dearest disciple)" in the manner that he does, being so close to them in a way that felt so familiar and warm. he was already popular enough that by valentine's day 2022, fans literally sent real chocolates to capcom addressed to utsushi. i knew about this for a while, but i was shook that they wound up officially addressing that this really happened during the last update video.

after they received his chocolates, they immediately got one of the (female) illustrators on board to quickly draw that really cute valentine's day art of utsushi. the japanese tweet for that artwork had even a little bit more text than the english one…

that "i'll always be watching over you" line…

(and while i'm here, i have to mention the valentine's day art we got for 2023- i made a separate post about THAT.)

we started to suspect capcom caught on to this niche community's love for utsushi, and they started to kind of... troll us??? LOL.

throughout the previews of sunbreak last year, they would start obsessively sneaking utsushi into those chibi artworks. and when npc followers were announced, people were scrambling to find out if he was going to be one of them, but there also was some weird radio silence about him for a bit...

in one of the earlier trailers that showed the elgado hub for the first time, there was a very short part of the clip where ppl could see someone standing in the distance at the corner of the screen. all the utsushi fans went nuts because they were taking a magnifying glass and zooming up at there wondering if it was really him, because everyone wanted him to be there in sunbreak LOL.

of course we'd eventually find out that would be his perch for most of the game! it was only during the final preview trailer before the release of sunbreak did they finally announce utsushi as a follower, as if they were saving the best for last. and sunbreak dropped, we got to see him in elgado and enjoy hunting with him. and it didn't end there. he wound up being featured in two of the short stories released last summer, and we would not forget this incident.

when i think about how easy it is to just play through the story and miss out on following specific out-of-the-way flavor texts, let alone know about all this outside of the game, i wonder if utsushi joining the hunter in the battle against amatsu in the penultimate battle was strange, because he has such a spotlight on him, even being the one who allows you to ride an apex which was normally impossible. if people didn't acknowledge him before, certainly people would love him now.

his final line after you defeat amatsu: it's cute and silly in english... but in japanese, his line and delivery was extremely, almost unabashedly... romantic. many people were shocked because it sounded like a fervent confession.

"I'll say it once more... You are my pride, my beloved disciple."

finally, during the last update video…

we got this line straight from the director LOL. utsushi wound up being his personal favorite character in rise, and perhaps why we wound up seeing more and more of him in sunbreak.

all in all, if you kept up with the flavor text of rise, and if you followed utsushi's dialogue throughout the base game and expansion, the emotional pay off at the end was even better! and it is a shame when this stuff is mostly optional or you have to go out of the way for it, with so much being missable with every bit of progression. but making a monhun where story and character interactions are pushed more… i think they were on to something. it's probably something that could be divisive, but personally I think they should go all in on it more in the future. Rise proved that they could make charming and memorable (not to mention, named) characters... if they lean into it more in a future entry, then i hope they do it in a way where everyone can enjoy it and not feel like they missed out. but I also hope they would make it so that people don't feel overwhelmed with flavor text... it comes down to taste, but i think i have faith that monhun can try making more character-driven stories while still keeping the core of the series in tact.

here are some more miscellaneous utsushi things that i didn't know how to fit in earlier:

he's been featured multiple times in capcom cafe entrees. here's his matcha latte dango drink:

and for the sunbreak stories: a cake based on his fight with rathalos together with the royal guard, and then a drink that represents his... uh, struggle across the ocean to chase the hunter to elgado. because they will never let him live that down. i won't either.

here's a t-shirt of utsushi and kagami you can pick up on amazon right now. kagami was a very interesting arc when he was first shown- he was introduced as a long time friend of utsushi, training together in the past, but eventually parting ways.

his seiyuu in japanese is a sentai actor who loves monster hunter, so essentially, kagami is lowkey like a self-insert for him lol. he's goofy in english because he's voiced by a certain youtuber, but in japanese he takes a different direction of silly because he has a "chuunibyou" edgelord cringe way of talking. it's such a shame that kagami wasn't really in the game itself besides being mentioned in a few mission descriptions because i would've loved to see him interact with utsushi and the hunter, and i wish the royal knights and many of the NPCs had more cutscenes or something. it makes me think, if it weren't for the pandemic, could rise's story and scenario have been something more because of the DLC voice characters like hibasa/monju/kagami? anyway, a popular headcanon is that utsushi and kagami are ex-boyfriends lol (i personally like this one and adapted it for my utsuhan fanfics). but there are even those who ship kagautsu too (although it is rare because people overseas are a little wary of shipping characters who are based on real people).

and lastly, one of my personal favorites... the diseased kyokan shirt. this is from an online capcom shop, and you can use a proxy service like fromjapan.com to order it.

if you read this all, thank you! happy hunting! with the instructor! we love that guy! the guy of all time!

[white-chalk-sapphomet]

Hey you're like, super fucking pretty and just everything about you is soooo fucking cute, do you have any advice for like, presenting more like, not-man

Tysm ur so so sweet. I'm gonna kind of talk from my own experiences but like

I think one of the biggest alleviations of like. Dysphoria or worrying about my presentation has been like. Figuring out that when you take away the shaving, everyday shapewear, makeup, filter lenses and photo touch ups, etc etc, the whole world becomes a lot more androgynous. I've met a lot of cis women who grow facial hair just like me or have wide shoulders or a flat chest, small hips or like. Similar face structure etc etc etc. Everybody wearing the same clothes and haircut would have more similarities than not, and what isn't the same after that is all fun and unique, but not necessarily gendered

I think almost all of my pants are women's which basically means usually less pocket but it makes my butt look nicer. They way they fit is basically shapewear. A lot of women's tops honestly have a similar effect, barring a lot cleavage tops/dresses don't fit me right, but plenty of cis/nb people have that same problem so I don't worry so much about it. All clothing is unisex tbh, but I like to have incorporated at least some fem into my outfits even if it's like. Smaller flourishes. Honestly play hot and cold with different styles to see what you find personally flattering. I found out I rlly enjoy how headbands frame the hair around my face. In my headband era now.

I think one of the things that does helps me a lot with like. People not seeing me as just some alternative guy with long hair is when I get cute kinda fringy bangs. I feel a lot less pressure to do like eyeliner for ppl to pick up on 'ohh they're trans not just a gnc guy' or whatever. Which. There's practicality to passing in a way that makes sense to everyday cishet coworkers or strangers, but I think you can absolutely look not-man while exploring masculinity or just general nonconformity as a woman too. I think accessories can go a long way in flagging what you're going for too.

Truth is though, I still get misgendered pretty regularly by ppl offline. It can be disheartening, and even feels super shitty sometimes, but I'm like. I'm not a woman for them and I'm not gonna force myself to wear makeup everyday or like. Feel like I have to do enough for them to get it. I'm satisfied with the people that do get it kind of thing.

N I think that kind of self-security can go a long way for like. Confidence in how you carry yourself and present your gender to others. Self love can have your back when others don't, but as an added bonus, ppl find it attractive when like. Whatever you're doing, you're owning it.

I hopefully haven't lost the plot, but hopefully some of this is useful for you

[transenbyconfessions]

Sometimes i wonder if I can call myself GNC when i sometimes conform to binary gender. Like... my identity is a little confusing rn but at the moment I've been identifying as a nonbinary trans guy who leans heavily on then guy part with some other masc genders sprinkled in there (either way i never feel like a girl or fem-aligned genders) and the thing is my personal style is sort of all over the place. like i enjoy presenting masculine and want to wear stereotypically masculine outfits but on the other hand i do enjoy a lot of cute things. i still hold sentimental value to the dresses I've worn and wish to wear them again sometime, my favorite outfit is rather cutesy as it's a pink jacket and a cat eared beanie which i know isn't inherently feminine but a lot of people read it as such. I've been at war with myself on if I want long hair because i get such envy from men with long hair but short hair makes me euphoric.... basically I'm just a bit confused on what my presentation means. sometimes i do wish to be feminine but in a masculine way (if that makes sense) but do i do enough for it to warrant me being called GNC? is wanting to look cute GNC or can guys want that too? am I really nonbinary or have i chosen that to express my GNC and/or disconnect i have with manhood?? i have no clue and it's been throwing me for a loop lately (not to mention the fear i have of not being masc enough for ppl to take my gender seriously as a trans guy...)

[misespinas]

As absurd as it is, cutting my hair short has really showed me how much I actually conform to gender roles. My hair is like a grown out pixie, I used to have this hair in high school (except styled in a more GNC way), but now I constantly look at myself and think “I don’t look cute.”

I never had this problem in high school, even when I suffered from body dysmorphia. I never thought I didn’t look “cute” or “feminine” enough. But now I find myself having to wear makeup every day (mascara, lipstick) in order to be more comfortable. It’s as though if I’m lacking in performative feminity somewhere, I have to “make up for it” elsewhere.

I’m curious how common this is for other people, because this hair length used to be my comfort cut years ago, but now my hyper awareness of how I’m perceived by others makes me feel “unfeminine” and unattractive even though that has never been a problem for me in the past

[shellsinadune]

feeling some type of way about my gender presentation and how people perceive me.

bc like. i don't shave, i don't wear makeup, i don't paint my nails - in fact, i bite them. on paper i present more masculine than feminine. my haircut is based off 60s boybands and 70s mens fashion, my outfits have an oxbridge law school boys club vibe mixed with small town grocer or fisherman, beyond basic hygiene - which i struggle with - i only really have a stripped down skincare routine (2 steps) and i take care of my hair 'like that' (perceived femininely, but is actually really basic) because it's curly. the only thing i choose that can be called traditionally feminine about me is that i wear skirts and dresses (and interesting silhouettes that Manly Men have decided are Banned). which i wear because trousers cause issues with my kneecaps when i sit and i'm sitting all the time.

so why the FUCK am i constantly called feminine. whether it's cis people always misgendering me femininely, my own fucking parents deciding not to use my pronouns because they 'thought [i'd] grown out of it', people online calling me and people like me theyfabs, or well meaning people within the community calling me fem-aligning. it's inevitable.

and what's frustrating is i know why. it's because it's on my body. it doesn't matter, i could be the most masculine masc to ever masc but this would all still happen to me. because it's my body, and my body reads as feminine. because i have a large enough chest that the fairisle patterns i love wearing bulge in a way that makes people think 'woman'. because my jawline is small and my eyes are large, my hair that was unique and cute when mickey dolenz did it or rugged and cool when mick jagger did it (depending on how much i need a haircut) looks girlish on me. i just don't have the face or the body for masculinity. it can't read as anything other than soft butch, if i really tried with all my might to be masculine enough, or neutral-feminine if i want to be comfortable physically.

ofc, being disabled affects this. i'm infantilised constantly, which doesn't help. many of my mannerisms and ways of existing (posture being hunched, movements often elegant-looking*, comfort items i carry with me, my higher pitched humming tics, my instability when i walk, the way i defer to the person with me, the fact that i care about fashion at all given how visibly disabled i am, my voice - both aac and throat) read as 'young girl trying to be grown up' more than adult non binary person trying not to be misgendered again.

i can't bind because of my disabilities (i've tried everything). packing is literally useless because i'm sitting down anyways. the only hope for things to change is surgery, and i can't organise appointments or get the insurance to pay for it, and i obviously can't save the money myself because i don't have a job.

i just wish more people took into account that like. sometimes features do actually make certain things impossible. for me, dressing the way i want is more important than not getting misgendered. because that happens to me anyway and i would prefer to be happy in myself than wear a hoodie and jeans (nothing wrong w that, just not for me) just to make people see me masculinely and have people still not respect me.

im just conflicted because the 'clothes don't have genders' people will say 'it's ok to present femininely' and that's true and cool but i literally DON'T????? i dress neutrally and everyone else has decided that wearing a skirt, even a brown tweed skirt with a pleat down the middle that looks like trousers, is inherently high femme. i'm barely even gnc, it's just that masculine clothes don't read as masculine on my body because it's my body. it curves in a way that is only ever read as feminine.

*by this i mean that my wrist weakness looks like i'm gesturing gracefully, my pinkie finger mcp joints hyperextend in a way that looks like i'm always drinking tea in a posh way, i normally cross my legs below the knee, etc.

[pascalishere]

My experience with therianthropy (so far)

Long rambling post ahead, protracted discussion of growing up autistic, queer, therian, and possibly traumatized. Nothing like, triggering up ahead, it’s just weird and way-too-personal.

I’ve been thinking a lot about myself, as per usual. I mean, what else do people do? I do wonder if I think about myself more than everyone else does, but that’s for another day. Main thing is, I wanna put my experience i writing somewhere. With the side goal of having something for other therians to relate to, and for non-therians to get a perspective of.

Basically, I’ve always felt a very strong connection to dogs. Not in the “Aw, cute dog, serotonin released” kind of way, but in a “god I wish that were me” way. I didn’t notice for a long time, but I get the exact same feeling in my chest looking at dogs as I do people I want to look like, in the GNC sense. There’s that, and a lot of the autistic traits I display are very dog-like! I do the autism t-rex hands, I go nonverbal, I’m easily startled by sudden noise, the list goes on.

So that’s the background. Obviously, being a dog is tangled up in my identity as an autistic person. I think the reason why it took so long for me to grasp my dogginess is because of the semi-unique circumstances in which I was raised. Because for a long while, I forgot I wasn’t human.

From first grade to eighth grade, I was enrolled in Social Skills classes. Which if you don’t know, is where the autistic kids who aren’t “disruptive” enough for Special Education go to learn how to “be normal”. Every other day would be training and developing skills in human communication. This sounds good on paper, but what those classes functionally were was the insistent messaging that “You are not Normal, and that needs to be Corrected.” Having all your disruptive problematic inconvenient natural quirks trained out of you does wonders for your identity and self-esteem. People-pleaser that I am, I tried my best in these courses, and I was actually pretty okay at it. I didn’t realize I was hurting myself. I don’t really remember any of the specific skills or tips that were taught to me back then. All I remember is the distinct feeling that nothing I said or did mattered. The feeling that I could only ever be worth something if I said and did exactly what people wanted.

It took me until last year to start unlearning all that bullshit.

For the majority of my life (first grade to freshman year of college), I hated myself for not being normal. I had no reason to be so weird and off-putting, why was I having such a hard time existing as myself? (The reason was autism, but nobody was willing to admit that) This also extended into my late-bloom realization of being trans, but honestly that’s a story for another day. But still, in regards to both of those aspects, it felt like I was missing something fundamental for a very long time.

But for a brief moment, I liked what I was. Before first grade, I was a puppy. I lived for comfort, play, and being Myself. And there was happiness there. The biggest thing I had to worry about tripping over my own paws (and tonsillitis, but that got squared away). From what glimpses I can remember, there was a carefree separation from people, even back then. I was content to Live. When I entered school, I was still a puppy. When I left, I had been bent and twisted in the shape of a Boy. And I didn’t even know. It’s weird, but I don’t really blame anyone for how things shook out. Nobody knew any better, we all though I was just fine, including me! It was admittedly nice to have a script to fall back on in social settings, but I can’t help but wonder where I’d be if I hadn’t been enrolled in those classes.

And now, through a Rube Goldbergian series of events, I’ve remembered that I was a dog this whole time. And as frustrating as dealing with life is, I think I finally love what I am again.

My head keeps coming back to a much more fantastical interpretation of events, so I might as well spell out that here too.

When I was a child, there was a dog I always played with. It was a husky, with brown and white fur, tiny triangle ears, and my eyes. They were with me every moment, our joy a self-sustaining cycle. We saw ourselves in each other.

But I had to let go, apparently. I remember trying to explain that I didn’t yip and trot and love to be funny, but because it was natural.

So I grew up, I learned how to be human. After a while, my friend didn’t recognize me. She couldn’t understand me anymore, and he cried at me, begging me to listen. But I had learned that their existence was shameful, and caused great distress to those I loved. So I ignored it.

She ran away.

Without him, the weight of living crashed on me. I could sense the utter disdain my peers had for me, the patronizing tone every adult used on me alone. I could feel the dread in my heart clawing from the inside of my chest, where my friend once was.

In time, I forgot about that dog. The shame and anxiety stopped me from inquiring any deeper about my origin.

But one night, too many years later, I noticed something weird. I had spent the corresponding day ruminating on furries, queerness, and neurodiversity. My heart screamed at me all day to stop this line of questioning. Fortunately, I had learned to ignore this feeling most of the time. I had accepted that I fell into all three categories.

And then I looked in the mirror for a moment, just a moment. And I saw a dog. With brown and white fur, tiny triangle ears, and my eyes. I was her, they were me, we were each other in one body. What I was physically seeing did not change, just my interpretation of it. But for the first time in over a decade, my heart stopped pummeling itself. I knew that they came back, and that it would never leave again. I was myself, finally.

Strangely enough, living as a “human” doesn’t seem so impossible anymore. But yeah, I’m happy to be Pascal, the husky. Bark bark woof woof, bitch.

[latter-day-saint-nick]

Transmascs and the Not-Like-Other-Girls Syndrome

Much has been said about the Not-Like-Other-Girls Syndrome already. We as a society seem to have largely accepted that it is a sexist attitude, and I am not here to dispute that. Hating on girly girls for the way they perform femininity doesn’t help anyone. That said, I’ve seen a few posts recently pointing out that girls with NLOGS tend be gender non-conforming teens and young adults who were bullied and ostracised by other girls, and so have a hard time trusting traditional femininity, as they connect it with their abusers. Therefore we should be spending just as much time, maybe even more, telling girly girls to accept tomboys as we do vice versa, and the fact that we don’t shows how much we still cling to society’s ideas of acceptable femininity.

This got me thinking about my own experiences, which I suspect other transmascs will be able to relate to. See, I definitely had a phase as a teenager when I hated most girls and things connected to femininity, including aspects of myself that I considered girly. This was misogynist and wrong and kind of unhealthy. I’m not going to pretend differently. That said, looking back, I can see that much of this hatred came from being a trans boy who hadn’t been given the tools to understand that he was, in fact, allowed to be a boy. Being grouped with girls who I seemed to have so little in common with often made me feel lonely and miserable. To be fair, chances are I wouldn’t have been all that happy being grouped with the boys either, since I wasn’t interested in sports and cars and boobs (that’s what straight teenage boys are into, right?). Even if I’d been raised as a boy, I was still queer and neurodivergent, so that coloured all my childhood experiences.

Anyway, many of my gripes about girls were unfair. I shouldn’t have been annoyed by them for being obsessed with make-up and dieting, even though I found these things stupid. Instead I should have reserved my ire for a patriarchal society that teaches women from a young age that they are worthless unless they are thin and cover up their natural faces. Yes, I realise all that now. But, and this is an important but, my experiences had shown me that it is a short step from “I’m a girl and I care about make-up and dieting” to “all girls should care about make-up and dieting, and the fact that you don’t means there’s something wrong with you”. While there were times I have been shamed by cis men for being insufficiently feminine, most of the shaming came from cis girls and women. Usually it wasn’t even done in a mean-spirited way. Most of these girls and women genuinely thought they were helping me by instructing me on how I should dress or what I should do with my hair. Like we were characters in a teen rom-com, and I was the ugly duckling who is given a make-over by her friends and finally gets to dance with the cute guy.

As always when I discuss transmasculinity, I feel the need to put a disclaimer here. I am fully aware of the fact that to many people make-up and pretty dresses are fun and empowering. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with being a woman, just because I decided that it wasn’t for me. But the fact that I even feel like I have to give this disclaimer all the time shows how much more we seem to value the feelings of cis women who embrace femininity over those of women and afabs who reject it. Even when I’m including trans men in my writing, I always have to make sure to show them having positive relationships with the women around them, sometimes in ways that don’t really match my own experiences, lest readers think that these characters just choose to be men because of internalised misogyny. Yeah, that’s a terf rhetoric, but it seems to be common enough that I actively feel the need to combat it at every turn.

But let me make things perfectly clear: to me, personally, traditional femininity was a prison. I hated so many things about it, and I hated the way girls my age and adult women alike were pressuring me to look a certain way and be a certain way. Even now when I see YouTube videos of women talking about the importance of a good skincare routine, I just feel exhausted and wonder how anyone could find joy in that. Once I was old enough to realise that it didn’t matter what other people thought, that I could just cut my hair short and wear fun, comfy clothes, the pressure didn’t stop. And, yeah, that’s how I came down with a serious case of NLOGS. But it’s important to bear in mind that for one thing, of course I wasn’t like other girls - I wasn’t a girl at all. And for another, I had in fact had many negative interactions with girls. Even ones that were perfectly fine one-on-one could turn insufferable in a larger group.

So, yes, those of us who are trans or gnc shouldn’t characterise traditionally girly girls as stupid and shallow. We should all respect each other’s life choices in how we express our genders. But remember that the pressure to perform femininity in a certain way only comes from one side. You don’t get baby butches telling their classmates things like “I don’t know why you keep your hair this long. You’d look so good with an undercut!” or “How do you expect to get a girlfriend dressed like that? Have you ever tried wearing flannels and Doc Martens?” So why should gnc girls and transmascs have to put up with constant comments and criticism on our appearance and then pretend that feminine cis women have never been our oppressors?

[nomouthtospeakof]

Character meta The Iron Bull!

THE BOY I GET TO TALK ABOUT THE BOY (thank you for the ask!)

as an apology for taking a little while (and also for rambling) i'll add on a song that reminds me a lot of bull, specifically his stint in seheron: TOOL - Lateralus (aka the only TOOL song i know lmao)

How I feel about this character

bull is just a... fantastically nuanced character. and he's so fucking heartbreaking. he was twisted from a thoughtful, compassionate child, always ready to help, a tama's boy, to a hot-and-cold-blooded killer who (maybe literally) gets off on overpowering and dominating his enemies... but he never really lost ashkaari to hissrad. nor does he lose either to the iron bull, even after betraying the qun. he has ashkaari's kindness, hissrad's fury, and the iron bull's open-mindedness. he's just so multifaceted - he wars with himself and his ideology constantly, he struggles to do what's right despite how what he feels is right and what he "knows" is right often conflict. and if the dreadnought is sacrificed, he is facing his worst fear - madness, specifically the madness that lurks within the shadows of himself - for the people he loves and the family he’s made, knowing he might die for it.

he blames himself for so much, he's angry and he internalizes a lot of it because it's easier than turning blame towards the only way of life he's ever known, but he tries. so fucking hard. and GOD okay i have to stop i love him too much. he's adorable and funny and sweet and a tiny bit terrifying but also he's SO incredibly safe feeling. comfort character all the way.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

adoribull is definitely one of my top da ships - him and dorian just mirror each other so well, they have similar enough problems that they're able to sympathize while conflicting only a little bit (just enough for angst <3) and they compliment each other with their strengths - bull's patience, willingness to listen, and ability to see through emotional walls; dorian's passion, loyalty, and readiness to apologize; plus how deeply compassionate both of them are underneath all the blood and bluster. not to mention how they're both exploring a relationship like this for the first time... i love em.

other than that? i don't have any main ones - i'm more into how two characters interact with each other than romance itself - but iron lion/bullen is a guilty pleasure of mine.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

bull's interactions with sera and viv are both super fun and cute. him and krem (plus the rest of the chargers) are absolutely fantastic too - that sense of found family, that sense of mutual sacrifice and devotion and loyalty and how they're just a bunch of misfits, it's so good. but also, thinking about him and young gatt, or him and vasaad bonding with each other to survive the horrors of seheron, makes me soft. i really wanna write something about that sort of thing some day.

My unpopular opinion about this character

i'm bad at knowing when an opinion's unpopular so... this isn't so much of an unpopular opinion as it is just an observation i haven't seen anyone else make?

it seems really interesting how a lot of the traits and behaviors bull shows line up... surprisingly well with symptoms of ASPD? the ability to turn empathy on and off is the most notable one, but there’s a lot. plus, bull's deep fear of turning mad and hurting someone he loves because of what the qun's taught about tal-vashoth sounds relatable to what i've heard from many people with PD's (especially ASPD): that they often struggle with the idea that they're a violent monster because that's what society has taught them, even if they've never hurt anyone and don't want to.

i'm not saying bull necessarily has ASPD, most of these behaviors were taught to him as a teen/young adult - it’s just an interesting parallel. i’d be super interested to hear what someone who actually has ASPD thinks of it, since i don’t have any personal experience myself.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

i wish that his personal quest didn't have us entirely choosing for him. it makes it feel less like the choice to sacrifice the dreadnought for the chargers is about bull seizing his own agency, and more like it's about how eager he is to be obedient to something (or someone) other than the qun. which... is fine! but that's not how the story frames it, so it feels very odd. also it’s fun to explore gender through bull since basically no matter what he does he’s gnc in both human and qunari society BUT that’s more something i look to fandom for than canon.

[taikanyohou]

Do you mind expanding more on this post (post/657118903103799296/pendraegon-white-people-will-really-be-like)? When you have time/mental energy for it? I guess I follow people who don't really you know, post like this, or just generally miss out on anything that's like this kind of interaction/reaction.

Words are failing me here so I hope I'm making some sense...

hiii anon!! sure thing. i mean, this topic of infantilsation of asian men is quite a complex one bc at surface level, its sorta like, "well what's the big deal in a white person calling a man of colour a baby and treating him like one?" but. there is. and its not a new phenomena either. and being asian myself, i sometimes just .. feel so sorry for asian men when it comes to this.

op's post was, i'm guessing, relating to asian male actors in the cdrama industry. i'd extend that out to male kpop idols too, bc i've seen a Tonne of that happen with them too. this idea of "he's a Baby" and "he can Do No Wrong" and "i Need to protect him!!". like. i understand if that's how a white person may feel towards asian male characters in tv and film, i get that. but towards asian men irl? no, there's really no need for that. they're a grown male adult, they know what they're doing. and it does not help that these grown asian men have to "act cute" and "do aegyo" for fanservice purposes (and you gotta understand that is Very Specific to asian people as a whole tbh), which only further pushes infantilising them/us as a whole, even when they themselves do not wanna do that. but the minute a grown adult asian man wants to be sexy and act his age, its ... too scandalous. biggest example? wonho.

and that then further reiterates my point i made in the tags: that the masses of white people are attracted and drawn to A Certain Type of asian men. they can't be too built and muscular and they can't be too brown or dark skinned and they're iffy about facial hair on them. they have to look "squeaky clean" and "petite" with just enough muscle. and then when these asian men do things that are gnc, which - fyi, has existed in the asian culture for centuries and centuries - white people Lose It. if a skinny looking, lighter skinned asian man decides to wear make up and jewelry and paint their nails and dress in a more feminine/gnc manner, then white people lose it and find that sexy and go on about Genvy. but if a broader, muscular asian man that's darker skinned and has facial hair decides to do that, its unacceptable bc it doesn't Look Right on them. do you see what i mean? they're both asian, so why does it Look Right on one but not the other?

and this isnt even all of it. but yeah, i hope it makes things a little more clearer!

[prettyponyblog]

(good luck with your surgery first of all) and second heres a list pick whichever ones you wanna do :3 1. pinkie pie 2. Moondancer 3. princess luna 4. Cheerilee and/or 5. Lightning Dust!

Pinkie Pie

Sexuality Headcanon: pan, i mean cmon look at her colour palette

Gender Headcanon: def fem-aligned but i do get agender/nonbinary vibes from her

A ship I have with said character: i mean applepie is adorable and is my go-to pinkie ship but for a few others i have!! cheesepie are honestly so cute in the comics i can totally be down with that i mean ‘our laughs are better together’?? comon thats cute as hell. uhh another one i found myself liking was sombrapie?? v v cute aaand i also like twipie, flutterpie, sugarpie and partypie!! those are some off the top of my head lol

A BROTP I have with said character: oh for sure show cheesiepie- they work great as friends on the show just not so much romance imo. pinkie and any of her sisters is also *chefs kiss*

A NOTP I have with said character: hmnnnnn, not any i can think of atm!

A random headcanon: okay okay bear with me on this one- its a bit off the walls. i think because of the amount of chaos magic pinkie has absorbed over the years (which i also hc to be the cause of her pinkie-ness somewhat) she has some form of miniature universe in her mane. wait wait dont go i cant explain but its a fun idea right?? right?? im not crazy am i?

General Opinion over said character: we have no choice but to stan. the pink candy party pony has stolen our hearts

~~~

Moondancer

Sexuality Headcanon: lesbian all the way. shes like that one ‘lesbiab, less bian? girls.’ meme

Gender Headcanon: gnc trans girl moondancer hasnt left my head so im making this your problem too

A ship I have with said character: ohhh twidancer is v good as well as tempdancer- another one i love is that shes in a herd w/ twinkleshine and minuette. oH and her and luna. so much potential

A BROTP I have with said character: this might sound weird but i think she’d get along really well with celestia??

A NOTP I have with said character: ooofH i guess any dude? lol

A random headcanon: she absolutely grows out a long wizard beard i dont make the rules

General Opinion over said character: adore her, love her, cherish her

~~~

Luna

Sexuality Headcanon: oghhhhh moon lesbian is right there,, either way- girls

Gender Headcanon: trans girl luna i dont make the rules

A ship I have with said character: as i mentioned above, moonluna v good. lotsa potential. OH HOW DID I FORGET pinkieluna fucks!! whaddya know everythings tying back in!

A BROTP I have with said character: her and celestia 😌

A NOTP I have with said character: her and celestia 😬

A random headcanon: she was totally an earth pony before she ascended. i like to imagine her power over the earth being so strong she could move this giant rock in the sky through sheer will

General Opinion over said character: best traumatised moon princess- which is a surprisingly prominent character trope in media!

~~~

Cheerilee

Sexuality Headcanon: i emerge from the shadows chanting “acearo cheerliee acearo cheerilee acearo cheerilee”

Gender Headcanon: cis gal!

A ship I have with said character: none lmaooo bUt cheerapple is cute!

A BROTP I have with said character: cheerimac all the way ace/mlm solidarity

A NOTP I have with said character: cheerimac, a cute ship but not my thing!

A random headcanon: will teach until the day she dies, you’ll have to drag her kicking and screaming into retirement

General Opinion over said character: a very good teacher. not enough screen time

~~~

Lightning Dust

Sexuality Headcanon: i physically cannot imagine her as anything other than a lesbian im sorry

Gender Headcanon: i cannot make up my mind her gender changes every five mins in my head vcscsfhajlvokkjdf

A ship I have with said character: listen. listen. i will stan lightningdash until the day i die- but limestonedust is also cute.

A BROTP I have with said character: i imagine her having this super funny relationship with spitfire, almost team rocket and ash style.

A NOTP I have with said character: listen. i cannot visualise her with a dude i just cant

A random headcanon: i dont care what anyone says if she was a human shed have a mullet

General Opinion over said character: fam we dont have enough time, pages or sanity to cover my love for lightning. ive already written like three essays on her and her treatment dont get me started.

[floatingbook]

Hey, I literally love all your eassys about womanhood. They are best! I have been following them for some time. But I was wondering if I may ask advice? I’m a gnc woman, bi and chubby. I want to dress more masc but everytimeI look for inspiration its always thin women, with small breasts that really give off that tomboy/androgynous look. I’m black and I follow other black masc women or studs on IG but most to all of them are small and fit that look so good. Sigh. I’m curvy with big breasts, I want to look like them and be confident but everytimeI try I look in the mirror and just feel like I’m not thin enough to pull off this. May I please have some advice sister? Thank you💕💕💕

Dear anonymous sister, first of all thank you for the love! I’m glad you find something of use in these essays. Regarding my advice on your issue, your problem is twofold: how to “dress more masc” as a woman, and comparing yourself to thin women.

When it comes to dressing masculine as a woman, what you are really trying to do is in fact to dress less feminine*. What would be the hallmarks of femininity when it comes to dressing? High heels, restrictive or tight clothing, short skirts, tops revealing cleavage, thin fabrics, easily thorn or damaged clothes. On the contrary, clothes destined for men are often made of thicker fabric, less frilly, more functional, more adequately covering. So if you want to dress more neutral—and let’s talk about this in the positive even—if you want to dress more practical, allowing you a whole range of movement and a form of privacy and what visual access you give to other people regarding your body, you only have to find clothes that fit you (and by fit you I really mean fit you; especially when it comes to leaving room for your stomach to breathe!), in which you can move freely, and that will endure the passage of time.

And this is where we reach the second part of your initial question: clothes are made to protect you from the elements, i.e. keep you cold or warm, protect your skin from tearing or scratching, keep you from getting too wet, muddy or dusty. Their pragmatical point is not to make a statement as to your personality to people around you. Culturally, clothes have taken on that second function; but as women we benefit from recasting dressing as it was originally intended. You don’t need to be your own voyeur. Yes, some women, and especially some thin women, are very, very good-looking in what we would call masculine attire. But that doesn’t mean that you have to look cute or handsome to be allowed to wear this kind of clothes! I urge you to relax your own perception of yourself. You don’t have to look good. You simply don’t. I’m curvy with big breasts too, and my usual wear in autumn is a tee-shirt, flannel on top, a pair of jeans with suspenders and a pair of flat leather boots. Might I look good to some lesbians who have rejected common beauty stereotypes? Perhaps, once in a blue moon. Does it matter? No, because my clothes keep me dry. My jean is high-waisted and I tuck in the flannel, it hides nothing of my chubby stomach; my flannel strains a little and gaps around my breasts, what can I do about it? (Starve myself is not the answer to that rhetorical question). I don’t look like a model; I’m alive. You don’t need to “look like them” to be fine; there is nothing to pull off. I know that this kind of reasoning, oh-will-i-look-good/thin/palatable-enough, has been pushed on us since our birth, but you will be perfectly okay if you abandon it.

Some people might accuse you of letting yourself go, tell you that your style of clothes “doesn’t fit (flatter) you (your body type)”; they are stuck with the cult of feminine beauty and you should not let their opinions govern your life. I’m also well aware of how tempting it can be to try and emulate women we find beautiful or inspiring, but an equally interesting reaction would be to appreciate their beauty and looks (good for them, they look nice) and then go on our merry way. You don’t have to become everything you find admirable!

If you find it hard to detach yourself from judging yourself not thin enough to wear the clothes you like, I’d suggest reducing your exposure to social media like instagram, which give you a skewered perspective, or at least look for women that have a body type that ressembles yours. I’ve outlined what you should be looking for in terms of recasting perspectives to relax yourself around wearing the clothes that inspire you, but don’t get discouraged because it will take you time to let yourself exist. Please remember that I’m rooting for you, and don’t hesitate to reach out again or ask for clarifications.

* Feminine is here being used as an adjective to qualify something exhibiting qualities attached to the stereotypical expression of femininity, which is a cage for women.

[nachtelang]

Can i get a uhhhhhh male reader asking the other boys of the protocol to wear skirts with him for a day!! That includes going out and during misions of that day!! And what they would do if someone tries to insult the reader for wearing them!!

sorry i let this one sit in my inbox for like forever because i genuinely Did Not know how i was going to write for all of these characters, and was honestly kinda worried you wouldn’t like how i formatted this or that i wouldn’t do your request justice. but i really really wanted to answer this request, as a gnc guy myself, this request really hit close to home for me. i’ll do my best for you, anon! here are headcanons for a male!reader asking the guys of the protocol to wear skirts with him for a day!

phoenix secretly hesitated agreeing to it first. i feel like his masculinity is a little more fragile than most. but he loves you, and if this was going to make you happy, he would more than happily join you! he took you out to a cafe and the two of you had a really great time. phoenix rocked that skirt more than he thought he would, and it was more than worth it to see how you smiled when the two of you were in public wearing skirts together. also, he definitely chose matching skirts for the two of you, because i can definitely see phoenix being one of the more fashionable members of the agency. he enjoyed wearing a skirt with you so much that, when you asked if he would do it again, he excitedly agreed!

sova is more than happy to wear a skirt with you on a mission! he’s the least hesitant one out of all the agents when it comes to this. the thing he’s worried about most is if it will hinder him out in the field, but if sage can wear that long flowing robe then surely he can wear a skirt. he’s quite surprised by how much lighter he feels wearing the skirt, and you’re honestly pretty blown away at how much faster he can move and how much quicker he’s able to shoot his bow and arrows while he wears the skirt. since this is a battlefield, there are bound to be a couple tears in your clothes, but worry not! sova probably picked up the ability to sew thanks to how much time he spent alone, out in the wild. if there are any rips in your skirt, he’ll happily sew them up for you.

breach absolutely rocks skirts like... the younger agents probably laugh when they see him wear a skirt, but he doesn’t care. he absolutely flaunts it, and you join him because you wish you had even half the confidence he does. if someone laughs at him for wearing a skirt, he won’t really care; laugh all they want, but breach knows he looks good and refuses to accept otherwise. but if someone dares insult you? they’re dead meat, they aren’t escaping from breach when he’s mad. anyone that makes fun of you for wearing a skirt is getting beat to a pulp, and breach will make sure of it. he wants you to feel just as confident as he does while wearing a skirt, regardless of your gender!

cypher also doesn’t see a problem in wearing a skirt with you, because the long, flowing coat that he normally wears is similar enough to a dress, right? he’d probably choose to wear a dress that goes down to his ankles, not because he’s embarrassed or anything, just that he really likes the style. my personal headcanon is that cypher is really good at sewing and working with fabrics, so you can probably count on him to make the two of you some really cute matching skirts to wear on your next date. cypher would also make them so that they’re easy and comfortable to wear on your next mission, because fashion doesn’t have to be impractical, right? expect him to be much flirtier when he sees you wearing a skirt on the battlefield, though. he’s going to compliment you every opportunity he gets.

omen is kinda grumpy about it first, because he feels a skirt would definitely clash with his edgy, ominous style. but he also doesn’t want to deny you your request, so he goes along with it anyways. he’s definitely not the happiest about it at first, grumbling to himself about how bad he probably looks, but the smile on your face and how happy you look that he decided to wear a skirt with you is more than enough to convince him that he made the right choice. anyone that dares to make fun of you while you’re happy like this is getting shot, no questions asked. he doesn’t say much, but he’ll do anything to make sure you keep smiling and that nothing ever stops you from looking so happy.

is brimstone too old to be wearing a skirt? yeah, absolutely. does that stop him from doing so when you ask him to wear one with you? definitely not! he’s wearing that skirt with you regardless of the laughs he’s bound to get from the other agents. i doubt brimstone has much of a fashion sense anyways, so he’s down to wear whatever you think would look good on him. and while the younger agents may laugh at him, he’ll simply shrug them off and instead tell everyone how great you look in your skirt! he’ll definitely do all he can to boost your confidence while you’re wearing it, constantly reminding you that you look great, and he doesn’t shy away from praising you for being able to perform so well out on the field while wearing a skirt. needless to say, he’s extremely proud of you.

[femboy-gatekeepers]

thinking about the connection between femboyism and sexuality.

as a person, I'm very logic-driven, pragmatic, shit at feelings, decent at leadership, naturally blunt (I seek to be diplomatic but it's on conscious level), success-oriented, etc. one trait remarkably standing out as feminine "in and out of itself" is the fact I'm not very physically aggressive and I tend to move in gentle ways, but I am confrontational to an extent; I enjoy debating and drama, I was just also naturally very physically weak and small framed so I never had a chance to even think about trying to achieve physical intimidation. as a small child I was rather quiet and passive, but not outstandingly feminine, more just not particularly masculine. I could still be a remotely gender conforming man, and it wouldn’t be very surprising. 

however, since I remember I’ve been inclined towards the "feminine" role in romantic relations and sex. I don’t know if it’s “natural” wiring, to blame on childhood trauma (I’m a survivor of some pretty severe csa), or whatever else, but it’s regardless been a thing since ever, and when I entered puberty, it started to impact my presention and the traits I saw as desirable and undesirable in myself and my partners, resulting in me becoming increasingly feminine “otherwise”. I found myself consciously not wanting to be, say, physically strong, and disliking the option of being so, because I wanted to be weaker than my partner and be seen as more “deserving” of physical protection, more desirable to be “looked after”, and seen as less suitable for the opposite role. I found that I want to look "cute" so that I can be desired by someone who wants to protect me and look after me, and who would be “masculine” in sex life with me. my desires regarding presentation etc are still authentic, that is, I feel very uncomfortable with the vision of not being X or being Y, but I can see what primary desires probably shaped that, and I’m unsure if I would still have preferences like that had I been differently wired in that aspect.

thus I've come to believe femboyism doesn't necessarily, in all cases, stem from sexual/relational femininity, but it certainly can, and tho femboy tops exist, there lies a clear connection of sorts. 

...

btw I thought I would maybe post this reflection to the blog, but then my second thought was for sure some weirdo would be like "reeeeee you're not fem you're just a kinkster/agp!!!!" as if you know... inclination to the "feminine" role in romantic and sexual relations was inherently kink, or as if that inclination shaping femininity in a teenager to an extent meant you’re not authentically fem, or as if having such an inclination strong enough that it's basically exclusive and you never had typical "masculine" desires in this aspect wasn't pretty fucking gnc by male standards. weird how I expect people to jump to "actually this femboy is a pervert" lol, almost as if people hate gnc men or something. inch resting here yeah

- mod Regina