#and idk man it’s so hard to take care of myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

blurglesmurfklaine · 1 year

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so I did not get anything I wanted to done today, but I did manage to find ten years old pictures of myself and feel bad about my body enough to sign up for a gym class later today so there’s that

#personal #blurgleshutthefuckup #i just #like i look at my body and the way it was growing up #and first of all why was I so mean to her??? she was cute and very normal sized???#and then I’m like. how did THAT turn into THIS?#my fourteen year old self never imagined myself looking the way I do now and that’s just kind of a fucking bummer #and honestly I know blah blah internalized fat phobia I am AWARE okay #but It’s different when you’re the person who has to live in this body #and i want to try and get into shape again and lose the weight #but theres a part of me that is scared I’ll never get there so like why even try?#Bc it’s so hard to keep weight off #and idk man it’s so hard to take care of myself #and i know weight gain is natural but since starting college I know it’s a direct result of not taking care of myself #AHHHHHHHHHHH #anyway #I’m gonna go feed my cat

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kuromi-hoemie · 6 months

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why is it always the forbidden fruit that entices me the most (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠)

#🚶🏾‍♀️ not that it impacts the way i feel about anyone else but i actually do fr love my manager and it's crazy bc idk how or when this #happened. like i have fun by myself n i love my friends but i rly am at my happiest when I'm next to her huh (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠) ♡⁠#and that is a wild way to feel about someone i work with let alone who supervises me akdkaka #i still can't believe how naturally and affirmingly “i love you” jumped out of me the other day without thinking about it #and i do??¿ after thinking about it??¿ i would literally do anything for you #and she said she loves me too 😵‍💫 and we've never articulated that before. and now our talks feel more personal than before but it #was a much bigger conversation for sure (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠) she's out of work this week though and I'm thinking about her.#🚶🏾‍♀️i wanna show her my knife throwing but idkk...... struggling w where the line between professional and personal needs to be 💀#i treat my work friends and my real friends very differently lol. i don't know (⁠´⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠.̫⁠ ⁠.⁠ ⁠`⁠) aaa #now that i said it it's like a dam of feelings burst ૮ – ﻌ–ა girl...#she has a husband. but he's a scrub. but she's my boss. but we're already so sweet to each other. but i shouldn't. but i want to #aaauuugghghfhfghhghkhkjltlskxkvofjw !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ignore me and my pining (⁠.⁠ ⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠) ♡⁠ im crazy about that girl. i really am huh.. 🚶🏾‍♀️#if you got to hang out with her u would get it.... i can't believe her man ain't shit... pls let me give u my attention #u don't have to be mine nor am i wanting that but let me take care of you (⁠｡⁠ﾉ⁠ω⁠＼⁠｡⁠) ♡⁠ u work so hard for everyone else #she's fantasizing.... ......... wanting.. contemplating...?..?? no. no....??¿......? ......... 😐 hm #lmao

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ozymoron · 7 months

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reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)

#⚠️#personal #having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason #cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin #clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person #regardless of what the actual post is about #i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions #cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have #the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy #idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person #the fact i even struggle with this #sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me #maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared #cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping #how much is too much when do i stop #<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense #like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of #those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do #this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something #cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man #im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion #i feel like most times its both #i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like #showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online #idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd #vent #so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again #lord i need to get out of here

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im-dirtydan · 13 days

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I desperately need inspiration

#help #i csnt do art #i dont wanna painy #idk what to draw #annoyed fr.#i just want to buy some brown boots #idk #i feel like my sub conscious thinks im no whete near actually becoming a tattooist.#so wtf ever #shitty job #shitty money #and ive been told im not that artistic!#i was told. by my mentor. that im gonna have to try way hard to be a good artist cause it doesnt come naturally to me #do u know how hard it is to not have resentment towards him #ive only been defining myself as an artist my whole life #and have alwsys wsnted to have an art career #but shit man im not even artistic.#it makes me really wsnt to lean into finding a provided ass mf to take care of me and ill cook and have kids #i sit here on my 3rd off day in a row and cant produce shit

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stealingyourbones · 1 year

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Re: you are playing half-life

1) GOOD IT'S GREAT, needs a bigger fandom outside hlvrai. Also maybe look into Black Mesa- the fan made modern remake that is *absolutely beautiful,* one of the few games that would probably actually be worth $60, but is actually only $20, and is a faithful recreation with modern technology.

2) siren pups are called houndeyes! Headcrabs are probably p obvious, but also, the squid face dogs are bullsquids, and the three-armed aliens are vortigaunts!

3) pleas don't slander my boy Barney Calhoun like that he's just a security guard not a cop and in fact is canonically, actively anti-cop/anti-facist in HL2 please he doesn't deserve to have his game rejected like that PLEASE LOVE MY BOY-

Ok im sorry that's all I'm done I'm just passionate about these games I hope u enjoy them ok bye <3

!!! Oh bro you’re so good!! I absolutely LOVE people talking about things they’re passionate about and have a bunch of facts to share!!!!

I KNOW THE NAME OF THE HOUNDEYES NOW!!! Today is a good day :)

I shall play Blue Shift then fuck yeah!!! Was just about to start Half Life 2 so I’m glad I found that out beforehand and play everything in series! I’m absolutely gonna check out that fanmade game that sounds so cool!

As a kid I was pretty much fully isolated from video games as a whole and honestly it’s been a BLAST playing games that are spoiled or well known for many but completely unknown for me! I finished playing the Portal series a few weeks ago and MAN I now know why it is on such a high pedestal!! The games are wonderful and the characters are absolutely iconic. Currently going through well known earlyish PC games, the Doom games, Portal, Half-Life, and slowly chugging my way through chronologically so I can see how video gaming as a whole progressed and evolved! It’s so neat! It’s really hard trying to play a few games though, lots of games expect you to know a lot of stuff so I have to watch lots of videos to make sure I’m not forgetting a Super Important button that does a Super Important Game Mechanic. It’s so cool tho!!!! I��m having such a great time!!!!!!! Thanks for the ask my guy!! :D

#bones replies #if ANY of y’all have reccomendations for games PLEASE tell them to me!!!#y’all I didn’t realize games were so expensive it’s WILD but understandable for like super well crafted and long games but WOW!!!#is cool tho!#first game I ever played on PC was Manual Samuel to get a feel for controls… my biggest mistake #Half-Life #half life is such a blast and it’s funky and fun!!!#I’ve only accidentally broken the maps twice but both were fixable by reloading saves #the F6 key is a lifesaver dude #I’m so bad at games because I really don’t understand what I’m doing but I’m having so much fun!!!!#took me 37.6 hours to finish Half-Life on hard! google says it should take me 12 hours #but I’m getting better!!!!#tutorials that half life games give you beforehand are SO nice dude!!!! it’s really cool because I don’t know shit #I’m rambling but dudE #that fuckin god raspy ass bitch suitcase man with the green portals #idk who he is and I’ve made it my MISSION to not search up his name until I’ve fully completed the series bc-#people go INSANE when I describe him as the crusty dusty suitcase motherfucker and I want to keep myself in my Unknown State because-#I want the true comedy of whatever I’m saying to hit me then.#i don’t care WHAT that suitcase fuck is. he’s a lil bitch who owes Gordon rent money from sending him to stasis without closing his lease #I’m super excited about these funky vide of games if u can’t tell

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kyetalksshit · 6 months

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I stare at the wall, dry mouthed

this week's rages

roaring through my head.

My coffee, once steaming

sits full on the desk as

cold and bitter as

I was when I made it.

Through the open window,

a gentle breeze rushes

in to accost me. I stand

just to curse at the clouds.

#poetry #rough draft #this is why it's so hard to take care of myself when I'm going through something #im trying but goddamn man the roaring is all consuming #I might call this Overstimulated or smth idk

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coldvampire · 10 months

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#plagued by thoughts and emotions.#man lmao I’ve bitched out So many times this week from reaching out to people. idk. it’s been so long that I just feel like I’m #not important enough to justify it. & I did manage a bit w one person but also ended up #retreating there too bc I just got the sense I made it awkward somehow #so yknow. really great stuff on my end hdjfk #idk idk I’m starved for meaningful social interaction I’m starved for literally anyone taking interest in me atp #it’s such a roller coaster I hype myself up > doesn’t work out > crash hard & I don’t like it. it’s exhausting! it’s really fucking sad too #I’m so tired of my own company & talking to myself all the time. I’ve heard everything I have to say already there’s only so much I can do #I don’t even know what else to say lmao I feel like I don’t really exist anymore outside of my own head #I feel like I can’t get anyone to just djjfjf care about anything I have to say no matter what?#I’m not enough my art isn’t enough whatever it was a few years ago isn’t there anymore.#and I want it to be genuine I don’t want it to be out of pity bc all that does is honestly get my hopes up a bit but it can’t/wont last #I say that for everyone’s benefit too like djjfjf I don’t want to be annoying any more than other people want to be annoyed #anyway I’m going to try to shake this off a bit bc I can’t do anything right now #and I’m not even sure I’d be in the right headspace to have a conversation without decompressing first

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kkujo · 10 months

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and everything has consistently sucked since we got back from that trip.. not a week after that i got covid and was really sick the beginning of august was truly the last time i felt properly happy. word

#the past few months have just been. so bad idk i've been feeling so unwell and throwing up daily at times for like 2 weeks straight #it's been like. a week since i last threw up so i'm hoping it's done #but fuck man #it's been awful my anxiety has been through the roof my skin is terrible i feel so lonely #like. it's all just happening fr #on the plus side i've been finding a lot of comfort from small things.. going to the gym and watching my shows n making music #i'm so glad i can hyperfixate rn though bc. during like. my really low couple of weeks i couldn't hyperfixate #and it was genuinely hell bc i couldn't find comfort in anything and i essentially lost all interest in everything #i started watching nana during that time as like a distraction so that was nice but i couldn't focus on anything except feeling bad #now at least. i still feel bad but i have the comfort from my hyperfix 😭 been rewatching csm and it's making me feel just like #safer and comforted which god knows is what i need rn #idk i just. i wish i could go back to july man. i wish i never got covid i wish my mental health wasn't like this #it's just so fucking hard my god. it really is #and i'm trying i swear to god i'm trying to stay strong and take care of myself and not be terrible

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bunnyb34r · 1 year

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I need to get another crab or two for Gurkle since it doesnt look like Scupa made it through his molt (it's been over a month... im scared to sift through the substrate for his remains/shell) but I dont wanna feed the crab trade and my adhd/depression are like no ❤️ and my anxiety is like GURKLE NEEDS FRIENDS

Even though he never really was a sociable crab like from the start sggdgdgd i mean he broke out of his tank twice the first week I had him and when he was in the tank with Scupa and Speedy he was like AHHHHHHHHHHHH DONT LOOK AT MEE! 😬

So idk man I can't get anyone new til I find scupa('s shell) bc if he is alive/his remains are down there I don't want the new ones eating him... and then I gotta add new substrate and augh it's just so much shit

#and i cant bring myself to check the tank no matter how hard i try im like fuck i dont wanna do this #i dont want to confirm it i dont want to see his remains if theyre there and if theyre not then Gurkle was The Killer #bc uh speedy was cannibalized 😬 bc i was afraid to look and thought he was taking a long molt...#im gonna miss him a lot he was my favorite 😭 when im sure sure he's gone im gonna make a post of my fav #pics of him bc i have a lot and i did that with the speedster when i was sure sure 😔 i dont wanna #im so tired of grieving man like that makes 10 loved ones gone in 4 years like fuck man #i know that seven is a great age for hermit crabs since most in captivity are in such shit conditions they #only live months and that this shows my love and care for them but i miss them so much i have dreams ab speedy a lot :'')#anyway Speedy was 6 when he passed and Scupa is/was 7 and 1/2 #i remember telling my dr ab how old they were a few months ago and she was like what the fuck??#theyve been recorded to make it to 30 in captivity... i was hoping maybe the party boys could be some of em #marquilla #the party boys #i feel like so much anxiety that i need to get gurkle friends so he's not lonely but also anxiety ab buying crabs #bc theyre essentially stolen from beaches and thats fucked up but like do i let gurkle be solo?? do i give in? idk man #and we keep talking ab getting another kitty so ours isnt lonely since her sister passed a few months back but #every time we ask her she starts twitching sggdgdgdgd which she does when shes upset so we take that as a no #shes like no new kitty. only friend.#they werent close in the slightest wgdggdgdgd but still they spent the past 14 years together so thats hard

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nullcoast · 9 months

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The world is fucking disgusting

#i think a lot about ppl who grew up thinking the world and how it's organized is fundamentally good #to a degree this is still me bc I'm white I grew up suburban #but I always saw and hand understanding of both a. bad things from trauma and b. my mom taught me about systemic racism in like 4th grade #and we were poor and shit in a rich area so I was excluded a lot #like. inside bo burnham is a good example and I saw a YouTuber talk about this in a really interesting way can't remmeber his name #but he was saying like. there's a certain nihilism of white ppl who end up realizing things are bad when they didn't already #idk interesting topic I can't stop thinking about #bc it's the only way I have to explain how ppl are so godawful stupid and why it's so difficult to explain institutional issues #bc ur basically trying to tell them yeah the world is not actually good. and that's. a really big thing to change in someone's mind #that things are good is the root of a lot of miseducation and support for harmful structures #so much propaganda goes into convincing us that everything is good #and that nihilism that guy talked about. like yeah the world is disgusting but it's more. and that's why like #Angela Davis said it well that the revolution starts inside #and that self love and care and doing good things to a body unwanted by a bad world. that is rebellion that is revolution #so nihilistic white ppl who hate the world are still failing to see the point of counter action #that it's about love + goodness and that's the bedrock #and I find myself stuck there mental illness wise where I believe that you have to emphasize and bolster as much happiness and goodness #but it's fucking hard man #anyway. clearly I took an adderal #gotta take some ethics courses with intersectional lens I have no one to talk about this shit with #Palestine is really fucking me up like. all day I just imagine how many children have died #like what can I do. nothing. i can do nothing. and people who don't deserve it continue to live in terror #the average fucking age in Gaza is 18. they're all just kids like me and my brothers #it's not fair

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dhampir-dyke · 1 year

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I'm so awful at orienting new people idk why they keep giving them to me. Like truly I suck at it

#and i cant tell if its ME being a bad preceptor or if my orientee just sucks/isnt ready for hospital healthcare #so much of this shit is just a matter of commen sense to me that it doesnt occur to me that some folks are absolutely clueless #and like!!! if i dont know i go find out! i ask! i research!#like if i dont know how or why or when to do something i just ask. but a lot of people will just NOT DO IT. WHICH IS BAD IN HEALTHCARE.#its hard bc so many of them REFUSE to take initiative. i have to really push them to do anything and instead of just doing it #themselves the next time- i have to push them to do it AGAIN #and its frustrating for me bc these arent customers. theyre some really sick people. if you get a blood sugar of 460 on your patient i feel #like its just basic common sense to tell a nurse. or if your patient has ripped out an IV. etc i could go on forever.#idk man. i got trained for all of 3 days and then got tossed into the deep end to fend for myself- i just figured it out! i used my #shitty critical thinking skills and watched my nurses and figured it out.#and like. so many people think the hospital is so easy. its not.#you have to clean up feces/urine/blood/vomit/mucus. you have to use needles on people. you are EVENTUALLY gonna see a person die and you ar #then gonna have to clean them up and bag #their belongings and put them in a bodybag. you are gonna have victims of violence AND perpetrators of it #and its okay if its hard!!!! it is!!!! but you still have to do it. it might not get easy but if you refuse to do these things then you #probably shouldnt work healthcare #for your sake and the people you are suppose to be taking care of

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horrorwebs · 1 year

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i hate my best friend earlier i was like "im scared that this guy likes me bc he said something that i would only say to people who i like, but i recognize thats its a normal ass thing to say anyway and i rationally know he does not like me, but still, my brain decided to play with that concept and made me have a terrible nightmare the other night about it and now im subconsciously scared that he will like me ( with the underlying concept of "i am scared of men")" and shell go ohohioo what if youre projecting and its actually YOU that likes him. ????? bitch did you not hear the part about having a dream where he abused me or ...?sometimes being asexual is a nightmare nobody gets it