#and im exploring new things and feeling more confident in my body and myself and like. dang it i wanna be proud of that

[izzy-b-hands]

prolific is slow, so more filming and posting it is for today (tho I'm making!! slow progress!! towards enough ad revenue for a payout, and i got like 100 views across all my stuff yesterday alone! which isn't a lot for most ppl but for me it's !!!! which makes it worth it to try and keep up the tighter filming/posting schedule as best I can)

[butchlesbianmike]

Tower Tarot System Headcanons (Mike & his system)

Under the cut are my detailed headcanons for mike, his backstory, and details about his alters. Note that i've changed some 'canon' stuff and added a few new alters.

TW: There will be mentions of Parental Abuse such as neglect and implied physical and emotional violence. There will be mentions of Sexual Abuse relating to Mike & Vito.

Keeper

• System Aware • One of the main Gatekeepers. More of a state of consciousness than an alter. Not sure how to explain it even as a system myself but basically more of a concept and a fragment? It is not really an alter that another alter could just come up to or interact with. • Was created by the horrid neglect and abuse endured at the end of the system's mother which from a young age made clear they would not be able to function without amnesic barriers separating states of consciousness/ego states.

Lucia:

• 5 - she/her - System Unaware, became dormant until Mike went to therapy. She then became system aware. • Alter i created for their system. Sarah is a child alter and technically the first host the system had but quickly became a rarely fronting part due to varying traumatic events between the ages of 3 and 5. Her age got frozen around 5 years old. She also stopped being host at that age after a harshly traumatic event. • System is unsure if there are other parts younger than her, she is the youngest identifiable host.

Chester:

• 56 - He/Him - System Aware - One of the gatekeepers • Split off around 4. • Introject of their grandpa on their mom side. Very important to Sarah and was very kind and took good care of the system.Their mom was incredibly neglectful and their grandpa is basically who raised them. Their mom cut contact with their grandpa after a fight between them. • Losing their grandpa alongside the constant abuse now worsening from being around their mother more did lead to a split. • Chester appears very grumpy because they found it funny whenever he would go on rambles and complain about silly things to them but also because they were hardly ever allowed to express negative emotions or frustration around their mother and so Chester became a part that held a lot of those negative emotions they didnt feel safe expressing.

Svetlana (Went by Lucia) :

• She/They - Ages with body - not quite system aware, notices things but very much normalizes them. Becomes system aware once Mike gets a girlfriend and also starts exploring gender. • Split off around 7 when their mom started signing them up for competitive gymnastics. (They were already doing gymnastics before, but competitive only started at 7). • Main cohost for a long time. Helped Sarah and Lola with learning gymnastics and handled competitions due to their mother being incredibly abusive during tournaments and competitions. • She wasnt really aware she was cohost, she felt like this was her life but she kinda saw it as like.. "oh i just feel more like myself in my element! Gymnastics is just really important to me and its where i thrive everybody say they have masks depending on if theyre at school or at home or with friends!! I guess my mask just comes off when im doing gymnastics :D". • She thought that the Russian accent was just a bit she was very dedicated to and what helped her 'get in character' for competitions. That it was just her trying hard to be like those russian gymnasts they really like on TV to feel more confident. • She always felt uncomfortable with being infantilized and felt much older, but everyone around them would say they have an old soul so she assumed that must by why. • She discovers she's a lesbian around when the body's age is 14. • She is one of the alters alongside Vito who causes Mike to realize something isn't adding up and reach out to try and get therapy. • Did not like Mike's girlfriend and actually really disliked being referred to as a guy. This was actually a main source of conflict between her and Mike and another reason Mike started feeling something was wrong because he realized that the dysphoria he got seeming more masculine or being perceived as more masculine didn't feel like it was Actually Him. • She often would be very distant and even cold to their girlfriend because she realized that they were a system and that she wasn't Mike and that actually his girlfriend was hurting them. • After therapy and system work and being acknowledged as her own alter, her relationship with Mike got a lot better and they agreed on keeping some feminine stuff for her to wear whenever she's front. • Actually really likes Zoey and tries really hard to hint that she also likes her. She and Zoey actually start dating too.

Lola (Went by Lucia):

• She/her - 10 - system unaware until she stopped being host. She became system aware when the body was 12 and that she got yonked and became more of an internal alter and very very rarely ever fronted again. She was under the care of Manitoba and Chester in the headspace. • Another system kid and previous host, she handled life from 6 to 12. • She and Svetlana were really fronting together almost all the time and switching between eachother frequently, although rarely experiencing blackouts more than greyouts. • While she was a host from ages 6 to 12, she stopped aging in the headspace at 10. • A huge part of this was due to how rocky elementary school was. They were changing schools left and right and it was really hard to keep up with all the constant changes. Around 10 she lost one of the only friends she had managed to make and due to their already fragile state, this was distressing enough to halt her development as an alter in itself. Svetlana mostly started being the main host from 10 to 12 although Lola was still there and at least cofront a majority of the time. • Starts fronting a bit more after Mike starts doing system work (Body age around 17).

Mike:

• He/They - Ages with body - First Host to become system aware. • Split off around 12 due to stress bcuz the system moved in with their dad because their mom no longer wanted to be responsible for them nor pay for their highschool necessities. • He became host because he didnt carry much of the traumatic memories related to their mom, didn't have system awareness, and was fairly functional with school and with their dad. • At first he had it a lot better than previous hosts and was one of the most stable host for a short while which made it that switching didn't frequently occur except here and there or when triggered due to x y z. • That changed about 8 months after him being host. A month before turning 13 he started figuring out that he had a crush on a girl and might be a lesbian. • Not only that but also started getting a lot of gender dysphoria, even feeling uncomfortable with a lot of his clothes and even pictures of him in his gymnastic outfits and competitions. • Nothing much came out of the crush except heartbreak which did kind of shake things up for the system. Mike felt things very profoundly and the heartbreaks of feeling like he would never find love because he likes girls destabilized the system a bit which led to more frequent switches- especially at school to continue functioning with the classmate mike had a crush on. • Around 14 Mike finds out more about things identity wise and starts thinking he might be a transmasculine butch lesbian, but isn't sure of himself because he feels his identity is very shaky and constantly changing so he settles on being genderfluid. (This confusion is mostly caused by Svetlana who also is discovering she's a lesbian btw). • At 15 is when the big bad happens for Mike. He gets his first girlfriend who happens to be older and more experienced than him. She sees him as a trans guy, even though he tries to explain he isn't. She is very forward and sexual to him, which freaks him out. She is constantly trying to see his chest and fetishize him especially when he's binding. • At 17 after a long time seeing a therapist due to the previous events, he found out he was a system and has been doing system work with his therapist for a year now. This is the same year he signs up for total drama.

Manitoba 'Jones':

• He/Him - 21 - System Aware • Split off around 13. • Introject of Henry 'Indiana' Jones from specifically 'The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles'. • Chose the name Manitoba to distance himself from his source, although he finds high comfort in it. • System Historian / Internal Helper. He also frequently takes care of the syskids and takes them on adventures in the headspace. • Very rare for him to fully front but he likes to come sit around front whenever anyone watches action movies. • Is actually the one that handled breaking up with Mike & Vito's girlfriend because neither of them felt like they could and when he figured out what was going on he got very protective.

Vito:

• He/Him but later on uses any - 18 - System Aware • Split off around 15 because of Mike's girlfriend of the time. • Split off as a sexual protector and hypersexuality symptoms holder. • Sexualizes himself a lot because it makes him feel in control and desired. Feels like because 'hes a guy' it means he has to like and enjoy it bcuz thats what a real man would feel. • Gets triggered front everytime anyone in the system loses their shirt because of it creating dysphoria and PTSD. • Was actually the most heartbroken when they broke up with their shitty ex girlfriend. He loved her a lot and saw himself as her boyfriend more than Mike did, even if he knew deep down she wasn't good to them. • Is the alter that, alongside Svetlana, made Mike realize something wasn't adding up and start talking to a psychologist and getting therapy. • Started unpacking a lot of his relationship but still holds a lot of the system's hypersexuality symptoms and has a weird relationship to gender as he feels like his 'gender' as a 'guy' is affirmed through having withstood their ex' abuse and 'enjoying' it. • He is actually nonbinary but it takes him a while to figure that out and only really figures it out AFTER total drama.

Mal:

• He/She/It - Ages With Body - System Aware • Persecutor/Misguided Protector. Split off during total drama all stars. • Mal split off with the belief that to win the game you have to be selfish and self preserving and manipulative. • He feels that Mike is "Too soft" and "Too kind" to survive let alone win the game. So he decides to play it by 'their rules'. A rule that Mal perceives to be the only way to make it through. • Due to splitting off with the belief of needing to replace Mike, she actually looks very similar to him in the headspace and while she doesn't like it she finds it very easy to imitate him and sees it as a way to protect the system by imitating Mike to win the show and get everyone away. • She thinks Mike is too 'naive' and 'trusting' and Mal sees that as a weakness others in the show will exploit and abuse so he decides to distrust everyone including the people who the rest of the system feel are safe like Zoey and Cameron. • It doesn't come from a serious place of malice more than a maladaptive coping strategy where Mal is in constant survival mode and unwilling to let his guard down in case the system gets hurt and he KNOWS that its bound to happen being part of total drama. • This is reinforced by the fact that Mal split off with memories concerning their ex girlfriend and knows how deceiving people can be, especially seeing how some of the people on the show have tons of red flags that reminds her of Mike & Vito's ex. • He tries to protect the system by constantly trying to force herself front and by betraying people and playing 'the villain' so that no one will hurt them and that they have more chances to win if they're the one to strike first and he lashes out and gets angry when the system calls him out for it because he doesn't understand why they dont see what he sees. • After a lot of therapy and help from the system and Zoey and Cameron, Mal unpacks and unlearns a lot of the harmful ideas she split off with and also starts exploring herself outside of 'Total Drama'. A lot of her identity is tied as 'Mike's only hope to survive total drama' and its a lot for her to work through. • She gets on much better terms with Zoey later on, but it does take a very long time to build up that trust between them even if Zoey understands where Mal was coming from.

[jennilah]

personal rambling in public again

hey how ya doin

just kinda thinkin bout stuff and my year so far

i made a promise to fill this year with just as much events and exciting things as last year and I am making well on that so far, just not really in the way i expected!

i swear i came back from my easter vacation different

i came back from vacation to find out that many of my friends and coworkers were laid off (public news, i wont be getting into detail) and that really bummed me tf out. that was the start of my vibes being thrown off. theres been a kind of aura of sadness in the office ever since, to me at least.

my parents also very suddenly decided to sell the house, the one i grew up in. something thats bittersweet, but generally just another big change that was making me feel weird

then my rebellious phase really began

first, became a true stoner, and got my first tattoo. which quickly became planning my second tattoo (booked next month!)

yes, theres been many jokes about me entering my true form as an artist with the weed and the body art and all

and then, the biggest of all, i decided to say goodbye to my current studio and sign a contract with a new one.

this is the first time im leaving a studio by my own volition and not because i myself was laid off. (its a rough industry lol) its definitely different. a lot more emotional. my current studio is a place ive called home for many years and I really had an amazing time there, and ive made so many best friends and connections there. (its the first studio i worked for! after my brief stints at other studios i managed to end up right back where i started after a company merge lmfao)

i think i was non stop crying for five days straight last week, in utter turmoil deciding if i should stay at my current studio where im highly regarded and my job is as secure as possible (bc of how unstable the industry is right now with the writers strike) and i work with people i adore, or explore whats out there and try something new, but risky.

i ultimately decided to take the risk, expand my brain and see how another studio operates and make new connections and friends. if something happens and im the first to arrive, first to get cut- then so be it. ill make that mistake, then.

once i made the decision i have only felt more and more confident every day in that choice, and excited to start something new. i realize this was probably the exact last change ive been needing. everything else around me was suddenly changing and throwing me off, now i get to be in the driver's seat for a bit. just go all in and really enter a new chapter in my life, as corny as it sounds

anyway next thursday will be a very tearful goodbye again, i think. handing in my resignation i was a MESS. but im also excited! They dont do as many films, but they do a lot of really interesting shows on streaming. and i get to FINALLY call myself a SENIOR ANIMATOR. i already was one, but that studio had their own unique title system, and so it was never really clear to other people in the industry wtf level I am, esp with my very small amount of years of experience. I am officially a Senior Animator. feels nice.

and i also get to have a nice month-long vacation between jobs ^^ gonna take full advantage of relaxation and having free time. gonna even be able to visit my parents this summer, something i didnt think id have time to do. (and see that new house!!) (AND do the convention! and Art Fight! and get my second tattoo! and get back into that slasher-watching and TOTK-playing!)

this was longer than i planned imma go eat wendy's

[hypnoprogrammer]

How I’ve changed

Thanks to my goddess @ihypnotizedyou I was able to explore so much more of myself in a save and happy way. I really enjoy how she controls me, how much she has taught me. Honestly before talking to her, I did not have any real things working with hypno for me. A few sessions far and away between at max. Because of her I learned so much, and experienced so many new things. I finally really blanked out, like woke up 2 hours later to a smiling @hypnotized-things with no memory of any of it. She controls my orgasmes, honestly a submission i never saw myself doing, but I do not want it any other way since i first tried it with her. She can make me edge my whole brain away and honestly thats the best. Tease the slave. just think about it for a second. She made a team in my game, that controls me. I am not being directly dropped by her, nor am I in hypno to start with. This just shows how much she owns me. I can self trance by thinking about her really at this point. Body control: How stupid it even sounds but she can control my body and honestly isnt that the hottest thing ever like aaah

Other then all the kinky stuffs we do she also made me more confident, more happy with myself (no there is no therapy hypno ) . Her personallity is just the best. I really feel like i can be myself with her, and honestly being the random dork that i am, she handles it with perfection. Whatever random shit i say she always finds a way to just do it nods at the pot of gold

I”ve changed alot, mostly for the better. I’ve grown as a person and im really happy you where there with me to help me @hypnotized-things.

[thegeminisage]

last night when i stopped playing i aimed myself at a stable and jumped into the tower so i had no choice but to fly there upon opening the game today, even though i was going to fuck around and do something else lol. at least stables make me remember my amiibo...

omg its the infamous underpants stable...finally i get to see what it's all about. i should run around in mine too. solidarity

PRINCESS ZELDA ORDERED THEM TO--????

OKAY GIRL GET IT IG LOL

lmao when i talked to penn with no clothes on he was like. are you gonna investigate undercover??

SCREEEAM this guy is like oh you're dressed in our new uniform

aw. beedle goes "we meet again and again - i wonder how many times we met in our past lives!"

the girl with the dogs who straight up won't look at or speak to any naked men, including me. lesbian queen

alright, up the mountain road i go...totally naked

killing me to ignore these koroks but they're all just too far out of the way :/

oh i found it! lmao they really do think i'm one of them

ik this is like. fake zelda. im hoping its yiga zelda tho bc this is simply too silly. it reeks of yiga shenanigans. real fake zelda was a bit uncanny

ah, i'm required to go gearless for this...smh this eventide bullshit

"we'll learn from your methods, we're just not confident in the physical side of this" THIS GAME IS RATED E FOR EVERYONE

wow. i just BARELY made it. whew!!

omg they MISHEARD HER?? it's not even a yiga thing?? man come on this truly is the urban legend of zelda

rip they put their clothes back on. it wouldve been funny if they got so inspired they stayed naked forever lol

i guess i'll put my clothes back on, too...

froze in terror like a prey animal when i saw this block puzzle but i did actually get it this time.

standing under a talus's crotch trying to ascend up thru its body when i caught sight of zelda and my throat got a little tight. life truly is so textured

lol these treasure hunting bros are here. thank you for telling me exactly how to solve the puzzle! what is this skyward sword (sorry skyward sword)

most of my complaints re: tears of the kingdom center on botw exhaustion - that i'm sort of tired of the map and have no more joy of exploration anymore after 100%ing such an enormous game (almost twice - on the first file i did everything except the korok seeds, but i got enough to max out my inventory i think). but every once in awhile i will come across an area that looks totally and completely innocuous and get incredibly tense out of nowhere. and sure enough in a minute i will remember, "a guardian used to be here," or "a lynel used to be here." it takes a minute, but i do remember! and even knowing they aren't here anymore, it's a little hard to relax. if i were ever to play botw again*, i bet i would feel the same way about areas that have hands now lol. (*highly unlikely given the previously mentioned botw exhaustion - maybe in many years after some other zeldas have come out for me to chew on! i highly doubt i'm going to replay totk either. as much as i love it, this is It. inevitably though there will be dlc so this runthrough won't be my only time playing it Ever)

ANYWAY i have to take a break now to do stuff and idw this post to be really long again. so.

[soufsidesiren]

blog entry 5: happy solar eclipse

you know how yesterday was remarkably unremarkble. today was exactly the opposite. i feel like i had beautiful experience after beautiful experience all under the energy of both the eclipse and new moon in libra, a sign that i often relate to interpersonal relationships and communication ( a detail that will be important later on).

i started my morning in the garden on the west end. an incredibly abundant space nestled behind an old auto shop that has fed me in so many ways throughout summer. i am always grateful when i can pour my energy back into it. it was my first time back since the seasons began to change. the drive over was mellow and quiet in the way that overcast fall mornings usually are. today was special tho. one of the other volunteers was hosting a dance class to invite more people and new energy into the garden. i had forgotten how much i missed moving with other people until she gave me the opportunity to lead the grooves for a song. i know how good moving and shifting the energy through my body can feel when i dance, and i am always grateful when people entrust themselves and the ceremony of that connection to me wholeheartedly. not to mention the eclipse passing overhead. the clouds of the morning cleared not to long after we started moving making the colors of the garden more potent as the energy of class begins to build. (i've used the word energy so many times so far but i am still working on finding the words to describe the tangible richness of my experiences today). while i couldn't see the eclipse with my eyes, the shadows fell of the concrete, mulch, and plant boxes with an new clarity as morning slid to afternoon. after an incredible exchange of movement, an all black biker clubs rolled up almost 30 deep right around the peak of the eclipse. there was a massive surge of energy as all these new people explored this place that i had been so desperate to share with other for so long. also they were all just so cool. so many new friends, faces, and stories shared as we planted the new fall crops. i cannot wait to witness the harvest of seeds sown today.

after leaving the garden, i headed over to a new coffer shop on the west end. black owned and photography focused. how could i not? i roll up and one of the homies is a new barista there. what are the odds? at this point, i've had so many incredibly enriching conversations with the baristas, bikers, coffee shop regulars, etc. that im like somethings in the air and take a step back to really analyze the energy of this eclipse. while in conversation with the two baristas, in the coffee shop, trying to decipher the lesson in it all we reduce the energy of the day to a single question:

"what old habits/limiting beliefs have you had in your relationships and communication with others that you are trying to release"

this opened a rather long and intimate conversation about belonging and values and character and birth charts that i was honestly so surprised to be having with my two new acquaintances, but the conversation came so easy. it honestly had been that way all day. and i feel like my response to the question was also the reason why.

i feel my feelings often times with my whole body all over. sometimes i have the words. in fact, i oftentimes have the words but not the confidence that they will fall on ears that will understand them. but see that part is not my responsibility. i love to talk and share and learn through conversation and people who are willing to listen will do so, but if i censor or quiet myself for the sake of brevity or being understood. i will never truly be seen or heard be the people i will feel most at home with. lately, i have been gaining the confidence and discernment to decipher the spaces and places that will understand me and accepting the spaces that do not.

rather than viewing things that "should" be done. i have started searching for my own wants and needs to locate my own desires outside of that anonymous voice of should that encourages to mask, appease, and dilute myself because it is what should be done.

after the cafe( i stayed till the close), i ended my afternoon at the gallery for a single-day exhibition "WITNESS" collection of art by black women and non-binary artists who project their vision of the world through their art. not only was the art incredibly inspiring, the installation and curation was incredibly evocative. i love when not only the art but also the space tells stories. and wouldn't fate have it that i met both the curator and spatial designer outside while i was leaving the exhibition. riding the high of a day well spent i stopped by favorite wing spot in the city and watched the clouds roll by in the parking lot as i tore down a ten-piece lemon pepper wet in record time. i find such sweet solace in eating alone in the car. my car ride home a bit sweeter with a full belly and full heart after a day of new connections. the sun and clouds and turning leaves racing me home. until tomorrow.

[jacobfiel]

Course Reflection

Throughout this course I followed along with the steps and guidance and guidance Toby provided to the class to learn and practice skills in Photoshop (PS) Adobe Illustrator (AI) and InDesign (ID). I would not only learn the basics of these programmes as well as key features, tools, shortcuts and workflow methods in the moment but would also document and annotate these learnings on my online Tumblr blog. This means that I can look back into my blog anytime in the future and will be able to remind my self of any skills/ minor details to preform skills that I may have forgotten. I see this blog coming in very handy as I already found myself using it throughout the course to look back on as well as for projects in other classes.

Before I came to Polytech and started the fundamentals class all I knew from school were some of the basic tools in Photoshop. So I came into the fundamentals course with very fresh eyes.

I found programmes like AI and ID very difficult because I naturally was use the the processes that take place in photoshop. Things such as holding shift when transforming items in AI was super difficult and frustrating for me to get use to. I also found it hard to understand how curves and handles work and every drawing would encounter a lot of COMMAND + Z's before I could get curves and shapes looking somewhat how I like them. Worse of all the pathfinder just made no sense and I would kind of just randomly click icons and hope they did what I wanted. I think Im also still having a little bit of trouble which frames and images in ID as well as how to use things like fill and stroke or the swatches tab in this programme.

I don't think my ID problems are fully resolved but Im on my way there. I think the way to fix these simple misunderstandings with the programme is to just go through the motions with them and practice. I find now that I naturally use the transform tools correct in AI and can draw shapes just how I want them nearly every time, I can break points, move them around and add new ones. I even find I now know what a couple of different icons on the pathfinder tool do and can confidently cut shapes out of one another with some sense of ease. I feel I achieved this by using AI as much as possible whether it was in fundamentals, DT1 or even on some personal projects. I also think if I do the same in ID and just keep practicing I will be able to fix the problems I have now is well.

During the course I learnt how to use programmes such as ID and AI and well as much better tips and tricks for my workflow and better ways to do things in PS. I learnt heaps of shortcuts and could confidently jump into any of these programmes when needed and could contribute to a body of work.

I was influenced during the course by Toby and Alexia especially if I had any questions to ask they were able to give me one on one support and guide me through anything I needed help with right when I needed it.

I hope to improve on my core skills in ID and would also love to explore more in depth about AI as from what i've learnt while being here, it's the core design programme in the Adobe Suite. I am interested in all the things the pathfinder tool can do as well as some stuff involving gradients which I saw a person using on a youtube video.

I Touched on this earlier but I feel I will definitely be looking back on this blog semi regularly 100 percent over the next few years and possibly even more so into the future. I found some techniques really stuck with me and I can do them very instinctively while others I may not have entirely understood at the time. Yet because everything in annotated in detail on my blog I think looking back and finding the 1 or 2 steps I may be missing to achieve a certain look or complete a particular task will be super helpful and make some of those little mental blocks easy to work through.

My favourite parts of the course would definitely have to be when we did the 'AI flex' as I got to put all the skills I had learnt into 1 quick project on something completely self directed. The result was a drawing I was really happy with and is something I think is quite cool. The other thing would have to be getting to print off the booklet at the end and be able to physically see the work I made and also use it as a little gift for some of my family members.

Throughout the project I used the Moodle, teams and my own blog to help me complete projects throughout the lesson. On top of the lecturing and sometimes personal help that Toby and Alexia provided.

I think I did well to document each thing we did in the course and have a really good beginner to somewhat intermediate form of user manual on how to use the 3 programmes we talked about over the course, (AI,PS,ID). Yet in doing this sometimes I didn't test my skills to the max as I was focusing a lot on workbook meaning throughout some of the projects my work may have came out less detailed or extravagant as my classmates.

I think using this process of documenting your learning somewhat in the moment as you do it is a super good way to learn as you may not directly soak up 100 percent of everything once you walk away and think about the next thing. Yet you will have the base and the key ideas as well as a few extras that stuck with you but because you documented it you also have everything else right at your finger tips and can look back on it when needed in the future.

My goal going into the course were to learn as much about the 3 programmes as possible. I think this goal stood true throughout the process. When creating something one of the most frustrating things is having a vision but your fundamental skills are holding you back and this is something I wanted to prevent from happing to me in the future. So really just soaking up all the little details was a big focus of mine throughout this course.

A challenging moment that stands out for me was learning how to draw with the pen tool in AI. Even when drawing the most simplest of shapes on the first few days I couldn't make them line up properly or just look right in general. Then moving on to drawing more complicated shapes and moving them round and I was completely lost. I think a turning point in the right direction when I finally started sorting out how to use this tool was when I asked the question of how to 'break a point' and once toby explained this to me properly and I learnt about tools like holding down OPTION or COMMAND the whole process changed and I was finally able to start making the tool do what I wanted it too. This would then flow into editing anchor points and handles once the shape was completed and well as actually trying to stick to the idea of holding down SHIFT and trying to as much as possible pull out handles on the vertical and or horizontal axis.

Personally I think the most important thing I learnt was the same as the most challenging thing that I learnt above. Learning how to draw with the pen tool and make it do whatever I see fit opens doors to so many opportunities and I find myself using it nearly everyday. weather it be in other classes for course, Fundamentals itself or even just on a personal project it's become a commonly used part of my tool kit and I really can't believe I designed stuff for quite sometime without navigating this tool.

The only thing I can really think that got in the way when learning my skills was past habits and muscle memories I had learnt in PS which I really had to unteach my brain when moving into programmes such as ID and AI

I think again that I helped myself greatly by keeping my Tumblr blog well detailed so I had everything just a couple of scrolls away whenever I needed it.

I felt other people in the course helped by asking questions and making mistakes as commonly I had done the same thing or was wondering about a similar question when asked. This meant when Toby and Alexia would resolve these problems, commonly for the whole class to listen to I was able to fix where I had gone wrong and not have the lesson start to get to far ahead of me while I was stuck a couple of steps back.

Overall I really enjoyed the course and felt like every lesson I was learning so much all at once. I think a course like this is something I would recommend to others and also 100 percent would do something similar again.

[futurewriter2000]

Rocks and Dust

A/N: I don't know why Remus gave me such Heath Ledger vibes when I was writing this but he did and I am honestly so fucking proud of it. Now, I really want to make myself some rice and chicken... or just rice. I hope you like it <3

REQUESTED BY @cloudywitchh: Hiiii, Im not sure if your requests are open, but if they are i have one. :)) Before I request, I want you to know that I love your oneshots and series! ive been binge reading. Could you possibly do a Gryffindor reader that has both james and remus that like her. oneshot or series. if you choose to write it, thank you, if not i understand

XX

Souls meet when eyes do and it hasn't been much easy to hold yourself back when such mesmerising hazel eyes had done nothing but watch you seductively.

At first you couldn't feel it but after a while, something in the back of your mind told you to look a certain direction. When you did, your eyes met his and a certain colour started to appear on your cheeks.

You watched him, he watched you. "Yes, Potter?" you asked with a smirk forming on the corner of your lips.

He smiled, tilting his head a bit to the side before speaking. "Had you done something new with your hair?" he asked, glancing up at your hair as you let out a laugh.

"Not really."

"Well, no matter of it." he leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. "You look absolutely stunning."

You felt your heart flutter in your chest but you were not about to let him know that. "Thank you. When don't I look absolutely stunning." you joked and he rolled his eyes.

"Hey, mate." Remus came into the common room and tapped James' shoulder as he passed him by, sitting next to him.

James smile faded a bit. He was a tad disappointed in his friend's presence. Everything had seemed to go so well between you and him. If the two of you continued to be alone, he would have had more confidence to ask you out on a date. Knowing that Remus took fancy in you too, it was a bit challenging to do so.

"What's up, Moony?" James looked at him, clearly not in a friendliest tone Remus was used to.

Remus' lips twirled upwards and he felt amused by his friends' frustration. He looked at you and smiled wonderfully. "Hi." he said and you smiled cheerfully, oblivious to the competition in front of you.

"Hi, Remus."

You seemed to be a tad disappointed as well. You loved to flirt with James because it seemed so easy and fun to do yet sometimes you couldn't understand whether he truly likes you or if he's doing it just out of fun. But you live by your mother's words; If a man truly likes you, he will do absolutely everything to let you know and pursue you.

That was why you were always so laid back. You didn't overthink anything when it came to boy. They seemed to think more simply than girls and whatever they did, they did because they wanted to, not because there was a whole scheme behind their actions.

You could see a bit discomfort in James. You couldn't really figure out why but he started to pout, which had made you a bit more uncomfortable around both of them.

Remus, however, loved to talk to you. He was open and honest but sometimes you felt as if he held too many secrets inside of him. To you, he was a bit harder to get to know, no matter how much he could tell you.

"You're going to love this, (y/n)!" he started to sound more excited. "I had found the oldest yet most interesting place a few nights ago-" he hear- both of you heard James scoff to that. "And I know your curious spirit cannot wait to explore it."

"Where?!" you threw all your books away and jumped forward. Old ruins and historic backgrounds always made you overly excited. You must have gotten it from your dad's side of the family. Everybody seemed to be more of history freaks and you were no different.

"I can show you. What do you think James?" Remus turned to James, who only laughed.

"No, thank you." he stood up and stretched his arms over his body. "Rocks and dust? Not my cup of tea. If I wanted to take a girl I fancy-" he looked at you with a grin and a soft chuckle. "I'd take her somewhere more romantic." he walked to you and winked. "A lovely restaurant or a walk among the trees under the moonlight." he was leaning down to you, close and observing the flush in your cheeks.

Your eyes were meeting and it lit a fiery spark between the two of you but as you didn't want to give him the pleasure of it, you rolled your eyes and moved away. "That's a bit of a cliche, isn't it, Potter?" you stood up and stretched your back as well. "I don't do romance." you turned from James to Remus and smiled excitedly. "Shall we go and explore!?"

"Yes we shall."

---

Remus hasn't felt you this excited over some 'rocks and dust' in all the years he had known you but he had felt his heart fill with joy and love when he could see how a person can live for the small things in life. You didn't care about wealth or power, neither if a person was physically beautiful and attractive. You neither cared if person had its flaws, you still loved anybody for who they were; good or evil. You always tried to look the best in people and your gift was, that you always seemed to bring out just that out of everybody and especially out of him.

As the two of you had walked, he had realised that he wants to tell you something important to him. It wasn't a secret to his friends and family but it was a shameful secret to him and to everybody else.

"Can I tell you something?" he asked as the two of you were climbing up the hill.

"Yeah." you stopped, gasping for air and putting your hands on your hips. "I think we need to rest too." you smiled and he laughed.

"It's not that far. We're almost close."

"My heart is almost close to stopping too."

He laughed again and sat on the rock, finding the moon shining on him as if it was leaving its fullness from a few days ago. "I just have the need to tell you this... and I'm serious."

You looked up at him and found the moon perfectly cut out the colour of his green eyes. "Your eyes look so pretty in the moonlight." you said without any filter but sat down next to him.

"Thank you."

You smiled and looked up at the moon before taking a look of his worried expression. "What is it?" you shoved him a little as he smiled. "You can tell me your deepest darkest secret." you joked but it was no joke to him.

"Well... I'm... I'm a werewOlf." he stuttered out, trying to sound casually as he said so but unsuccessful.

You only stared in silence, clearly processing the information as he was impatient to wait for your reaction. Your eyes only narrowed at him and you nodded. "I knew it."

"You knew it?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"I mean, I didn't know it. I just know there was something to you that I couldn't put my finger on but I kind of knew it. It did cross my mind once but I brushed it off quickly. I didn't believe it but apparently my intuition was on to something." you laughed and stood up, offering him your hand. "Shall we continue?"

"You don't seem a tad phased by it." he took your hand gently and stood up.

"Oh, I am but I really don't mind people being people. You know?" you started to talk fast. "I don't judge people by their flaws, more by their actions and I don't seem why your werewolfness would bother me when there are far worse withces, wizards and Muggles in this world, who are far more worse than any werewolf I had encounter. Which, you're the first but still. You don't seem the one to eat children and howl at the moon."

He let out a loud laugh. "I don't eat children but I do the latter."

---

The two of you walked up the hill hand in hand, him trying to pull you up as his steps were much larger than yours. He was more of muscles than you, faster and careful as for you seemed to trip over a branch or two.

He had opened up as the two of you made your way to the top and started to walk on the flatlands. It stretched far away from the castle but you could see the ruins so clearly from the distance. The light of he moon made the subject far more pleasing to the eye and at that moment when Remus was talking to you and your eyes seemed to wander on the view- everything seemed to be perfect and you imprinted that moment into your memory so that you can look back and re-live it all over again.

As he talked, he seemed more lose and excited. He hadn't held back on anything. He had told you about Animagnus forms of his friends and how he isn't the only one who howls at the moon. Sirius apparently loves to do it just as well in his other form. He had constantly made you laugh by his full moon stories and how he accepted the awful fact of his life-long destiny of sharing his body with a beast.

He was glowing, literally glowing when he was telling you all the things he was hiding from you and for the first time, you were the one to listen and he was the one constantly talking.

"We're here!" he pointed at the ruins of an old castle. It wasn't big or notorious as Camelot or Hogwarts or any other historically known castle. It was small and poor in it's built but it was still a castle, just not the traditional kind.

He let go of your hand and it gave you a sort of an electrical shock as he did. You seemed to be so comfortable and in love of holding hands that you completely forgot what it was like without his fingers intertwined with yours.

It wasn't for long though. He had opened the old wooden door for you and offered you his hand to lead you inside. "After you, m'lady." he bowed as a gentleman should and you hurried up inside, taking him by the hand and leading him behind you.

Your wands needn't to be lit as the moonlight made it's own natural light through the large gaps between the rocks. Nature made it's own charm by growing vines around the walls, flowers and grass among the cracks. It truly did feel more magical than the magic itself.

"Oh, Remus look!" you ran to one of the walls and saw names carved in. "Ibzan." you smiled back at him.

"Old biblical name." Remus followed and saw many other names written around it. "Arthur." he laughed. "Wouldn't be an English castle without an Arthur in it."

"Tatiana." you looked at it. "Like a princess." you looked at him but he seemed to be very close to you, staring forward. His chest was against your back and his head leaning over your shoulder. You didn't have to look back. You could only move your eyes to the side and see him there.

He seemed to be so focused on the rocks in front of you that he hasn't even noticed you marvelling at him. All you could see, for the first time noticing his sharp, nicely structured side profile. His cheek bones were finely defined, his lips sharp and plump and his eyebrows nicely arched.

He truly was a beautiful boy and you hadn't noticed it till now. His palm was placed against the rock as he was supporting himself but when he had noticed you looking at him, he slyly looked back. A corner of his mouth quirked up and he said: "A girl doesn't need to be a princess to have a beautiful name." he spoke low and quietly.

The spark that James lit before was over-flamed by the passion Remus arroused in you. Before you knew it, he was leaning down and kissed you softly. One short kiss and it was enough to tempt you for more. You put your hand around his neck and pulled him down for me, smiling into it as you had felt him smile as well. As heavy as they felt, they seemed light as well because no kisses seemed to be as perfect as his; soft, teasing yet deep and passionate.

When he placed his hand on your cheek you could feel the dust set on your skin. You let out a giggle and he pulled away. "What?" he smiled but then just noticed how dark your cheek was. "Oh, my-" he let out a laugh, then looked back on the wall his palm was pressed on before. "I am terribly sorry."

You laughed as well. "Don't worry." you continued to laugh and wipe it away. "It'll probably wash away."

"Probably." he tilted his head a bit and gave you a peck. "And we should probably head back."

Putting your arms around his neck, you made a big stretch and looked up at the sky. "Ugh..." you looked back into his green eyes, burning your soul into sparks and bitses. "But it's so beautiful here." you let out a small whine and he chuckled.

"Well, (y/n)(y/l/n). I didn't think you did romance." he teased.

"I don't. I let the man do all the romance for me." you stepped on your tiptoes and brushed your nose against his.

"That's a bit unfair."

"I wouldn't worry if I were you, Lupin. I have time to make it fair."

"Glad to hear it."

[thai-with-booty]

NYE part 1 – And so it begins

The long awaited reveal of what happened on New years eve, there was a lot that happened so its broken down into parts. As with all my stories, they are things I have actually done and enjoy sharing with you all for the good or the bad. If you have any questions feel free to send me an ‘ask’ and ill answer all.

I wasn’t sure of what was going to happen as I slipped a bottle of oil and a couple of small bikinis in my bag and left my home on the way to my friend’s home. It was around midday and hot and sunny, I had been invited by my friend Jib to come over to her house to sunbath during the afternoon and help her prepare a little for their NYE party that evening. I planned to go and sunbathe, get a nice tan with some tan lines I had been working on, before going home again to change before returning again in the evening. Was I really going to go all the way with her stepson Emil? I wasn’t sure, I had been turned on by a lot of the responses on Tumblr to having Emil wank his cock and cum on my as a Christmas gift, but was I really going to fuck him? I must admit I had made sure to shave and groom myself as if I was going to, what was I doing with a pack of condoms in my bag if I was only innocently going to visit my friend?

I arrived at Jibs home, I was wearing a tight white tank top and very short jean shorts with only a little thong underneath and no bra, what did it really matter? I was going to be just enjoying some afternoon sun in a little bikini anyways. My friend was already in her bikini, a little white bikini, but fully bottomed, she went to get drinks and take them to the pool while I went off to the bathroom upstairs to change. Was it intentional that I left the door open as I changed? Or was it innocently because I ‘believed’ it was only Jib and myself home and she was downstairs anyways so who could possibly seem me anyways? Again was it just innocent and normal that I undressed slowly and stood naked in front of the mirror admiring my perk boobs and dark hard nipples, my smooth pussy and legs before rubbing oil all over my naked body, I mean I would have put oil on to tan by the pool anyways, so why not do it here? Was there anything wrong with bending over and slowly pulling on my bright orange thong bikini, I mean there was no one around and I did need to bend over to retrieve it from my bag. The oil was making my pussy and nipples slightly visible through my bikini, if only I had put the bikini on before that might not have happened, oh well, Jib won’t mind, she’s seen all of me before anyways. Speaking of Jib, I could see her from the large bathroom window already seated in one of the deckchairs by the pool with a couple of glasses of wine already poured. I had better get back down there. Leaving my tank top, jean shorts and little white thong on the rack in the bathroom (where else was I supposed to keep it), I made my way down to the pool.

Jib complimented me and I complimented her as I took my seat next to her by the pool, I took a refreshing sip of wine, while feeling the heat of the sun hit my body, the oil glistening in the sunlight. We spoke a while about this and that, and the plans for the evening, Most people would arrive around 8pm, there would be drinks and canopies available, there was a few guests invited, many of whom I knew, friends of Jibs husband Oliver, all ages in their late 40s and 50s, as well as some other women Jib knew, it was to be around 30 guests in total, though their house is quite large, helps that Oliver is well off and their home in the suburbs of Bangkok. I innocently slipped in if Emil is going to be there, to which she mentioned he would as he didn’t have many friends, he was currently upstairs with a friend, but that friend wouldn’t be staying for the evening. I barely held together my surprise, he was upstairs right now? Had he seen me? Had I known he was? Was he spying on us now laying out here in the open in tiny bikinis? I couldn’t help but keep on glancing up at the windows as the conversation turned to other things, what was I even hoping to see? Did I want him to be looking or not? The sun reflecting off the windows was so bright could he be looking at me right now and I have no idea? Should I take off my top? Should I cover up? Wait did she say he was with a friend? My mind in a little bit of a stir, maybe it was the second glass of wine I had just finished off, I decided to lay back for a bit and just enjoy the sun, I would have this evening to go looking for a bit of fun, there were plenty of men coming after all.

Right that it, I need to pee, I got up, my friend had dozed off in the hot sun, as I made my way inside the house. I went past the downstairs bathroom, I mean I wanted to check on my clothes anyways, yes that’s all I was innocently doing as I made my way upstairs. Where was his room again? Did I hear something? Or did I want to hear something? Why am I walking so slowly and quietly if nothing is going on? I made my way to the top of the stairs before going down on of the corridors towards the bathroom, I was in there using the toilet when I noticed my clothes were missing. He has them, it has to be him, I put them there to tempt him hadn’t I? Was I angry he took them, or happy? I want to confront him, or is it I want him to see me in my bikini, to see what he is doing, but wait doesn’t he have a friend with him? I walked down the corridor, his room was closed and I listened at the door, there was nothing but a tune to a video game, I opened the door, and what was I hoping to see? They weren’t there, ‘they’ why am I now looking for both? Where could they be? Their game was on pause, they must be still home. Back out into the corridor I heard something for sure I did, it came from Jib and Oliver’s room, could I go in there? Her husband was out after all. I opened the door, I couldn’t see anything but it was the first time I heard, it was the sound of sexual pleasure, but it wasn’t just one, it was more than one person. Was that Emil and his friend? Why were they in the ensuite bathroom and not in Emil’s room? The bathroom door was open as I made my way towards it, it was then I saw for the first time Emil with his pants and shorts around his ankles as were his friends, both of them with their cocks in their own hands. They were wanking, my clothes were there too. Why are they in there though? That’s when I first heard them talking, ‘when is she coming back’, ‘I don’t know, but your mom’s not too bad to look at until she does’, ‘you dick’. What was I going to do now? Do I walk in? Watch? Go back down to the pool knowing two young men are wanking looking down at me? ‘Lek better be back soon, I need to cum soon’, with that something took over me and I stepped into the bathroom, I opened my mouth and said ‘I hope you won’t cum just yet, I was hoping we could have some fun’ Both Emil and his friend spun round, shock on their faces, hard cocks still in hand, Emil’s friend wasn’t a bad size, but he really helped to show how well-endowed Emil is. They stood there with their mouths gaping, like a fish out of water, they didn’t know what to say. I became more confident again walking in between them. ‘So boys, it seems you were enjoying what you could see from a distance, now im up close, what can I do for you both?’ What was I even hoping they would ask for? What was it I was prepared to do? Emil’s friend then blurted out ‘can we see you naked?’ to which I only smiled as I reached around behind my bikini top and undid it, dropping it to the floor, both their eyes shooting to my boobs, before letting my thong bottoms slip down my legs to the floor and their eyes exploring my pussy too. ‘Can we wank on you?’ Emil suggested, I put my hand around his big hard cock, I said into his ear ‘isnt there something a little more I could do for you?’ ‘Can we get blowjobs?’ Emils friend said. I paused, is this what I had wanted them to say? Was it more than I wanted? Or am I disappointed they didn’t want to fuck me? Ok, is that what you both really want? Both started to nod their heads rapidly. I took Emil by the hand and led him back into the bedroom, I turned to his friend and said if he kept an eye out for Jib, I would give him a BJ after Emil, he barely took his eyes off the window after that, other than to glance at what I was doing to Emil and he could expect in turn right after. I laid Emil on the bed, and got onto the bed also, I took his big cock in my hand and started to lick his cock, sucking his balls, licking my cock all up the shaft of his cock before taking his cock in my mouth, it was fun to have this big hard cock in my mouth, it was then when he groaned in pleasure I admitted to myself I had wanted this all along, I was enjoying sucking his cock, looking at this amazed face, I let his cock find the back of my throat, I sucked his cock like a pornstar, ‘im going to cum’ Emil said, I just nodded with his cock still in my mouth, he didn’t try to pull it out as he unleashed a torrent of cum flying down my throat, his cock so far back in my mouth I never even had a chance to taste it before swallowing every drop, its then I sucked on his cock more as it started to grow placid. I was caught in the moment with Emil, when I noticed his friend looking over expectantly, I looked back to Emil and said ‘Are you ok I do to your friend now?’ To which Emil looked slightly jealous but said he didn’t mind, seeing that look on his face I told him he could have me that night, moving his hand to my pussy as I said the word ‘anything’. He grinned and got up to walk over to the window, as his friend came over to the bed. I did the same for his friend, but I kept looking over to Emil, I had only glanced at his friend once or twice when I sucked Emil, but here I was constantly looking over to Emil. I then noticed Emil was barely looking out of the window, this made me feel proud and happy in myself as I concentrated on sucking his friend. A few minutes later his friend was getting louder, it suddenly shot in my mind, I looked at Emil, ‘your mom!’ ‘Relax’ he said as he stepped back towards the window, ‘oh shit, shes gone’. Next I heard my name ‘Lek’ Jib was calling out to me from the top of the stairs, ‘where are you?’ She will know im not in the bathroom, I had left the door open, besides we cant escape this room without being seen. The only option being to bundle into the ensuite bathroom. My mind when in a muddle, what would I say or do? There is no reason for me to be in her bedroom then her private bathroom, I had no time to think before she called out my name again, I didn’t say anything and hissed at the two guys to be quiet, she turned the handle on the door, and it was locked. ‘Lek?’ I had no choice ‘Yes, sorry’, ‘What are you doing in there?’ What was I doing in here? What was I supposed to say? ‘Sorry for using your bathroom, I thought you wouldn’t mind, but the other bathroom was being used and I was desperate’, a little weak and a little embarrassing, but I think she bought it, ‘ok, I’ll see you back at the pool, have you seen Emil and his friend? They’re not in their room?’ I am stood naked next to her step son and his friend, both with their cocks still out, but all I can say is ‘No’. I hear her go away, where I am not sure, the moment a little gone, I tell them to get there clothes on as I make a move to slip back into my bikini, Emil’s friend looking a little crestfallen, ive completely lost the mood but understand he was not far off cumming and enjoying a BJ when this all kicked off, I tell him I will finish him off, I drop to my knees and start rubbing his cock, when hard I tell him to let me know when he needs to cum, I start to take all his cock in my mouth, sucking hard and fast on his cock wanting him to cum soon, it isn’t long before he pants ‘yes, yes, im going to cum’ at which I pull my mouth away from him, lean back and let him jerk his cock as he starts to cum over my face and boobs, I notice Emil is rock hard again from watching, but choose to ignore it for now. I tell them both to sneak out first, I look in the mirror, feeling Emil’s big load in my throat and his friends cum on my cheek, chin and boobs. I clean off and make my way back down to Jib by the pool. I came over not knowing what would happen this evening, but its only 2pm and Ive sucked two guys’ cocks. It’s going to be a long night

[kazimirfiles]

Hi! Can I ask romantic matchup for bungou stray dogs and danganronpa thh?

i go by she/her pronouns, im 18, and i have no gender preference!

things i like: yellow, picnics on the beach, fruit water, black tea, old books, folklor, mythology, cultures, baking, hanging out with my best friends, animals, fancy earrings, theatre, pretty and rare words, summer, watching movies, reading, writing, telling funny stories, smiling conspiratorially to strangers and giving them flowers, drawing, fashion, psychlogy, true crime, dancing, All Tomorrows, old music, sarcasm

personality:

I'm very confident, dominant and assertive person. I voice my opinion, nobody dares to mess up with me. Also I'm calm, full of serenity and femenine energy. I just try to be myself. I appear a little cold but i'm fact I'm lively, sassy, charismatic and kind. And I try to be funny.

I love helping people and putting smiles to others faces. I'm mostly organised but I still can be very chaotic. I'm a hopeless romantic with my heart in everything I do. A bit of a night owl, I've always been fascinated by exploring old European cities and imagining the stories that lived in their streets. I'm a bit different from the rest of the group, but that's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm proud of it! Not all can understand me, but those who take the time to get to know me know that I'm an invaluable friend and companion.

my appearance: I'm 5'7 with hourglass figure, and- and I think picrew is more detailed-

Yup, I look like this

I'd totally fall for person that intrigued me (I grew up in the middle of nowhere in Eastern Europe so I'm extremely curious about everything). It might be their dressing style, little personality trait, hobby, etc.

They just must have something that makes them diffrent. I find it hot bc they give me chance to learn something new.

I hate fake, toxic, abusing people, bullies, stalkers and catcallers. I dislike eating on town, bc it disgust me (I hate finding hair in my dinner)

Extra notes:

- My family calls me Vampire

- In random moments I sing songs about man killing his wife or about dead body in closet bc my mom sang this songs when I was younger

- I have specific sense of humor

- If I like someone I'd infodump about thing that I'm actually obsessed with

- My friends say that I'm just more kind and friendly Byakuya Togami. Or they say that I'm lost Addams or something

- I'd call my lover pretty words in other languages, bc I can. Also I'll draw them and I'll write poems about them

Have a good day/night!

HELLO! Thank you for sending in lé matchup request 😌

I match you up with…

Fyodor Dostoevsky

• After skimming through your stuff and rereading it again, Fyodor was honestly the only person I could think of. Besides Atsushi who was a close runner-up, I have a feeling that Fyodor would likely enjoy you more.

• Fyodor likely didn’t notice you at first. I’d say he most likely caught your eye first, given his unique style and appearance, you likely approached him first.

• It started most likely with a short compliment from you. You were traveling to Japan Yokohama with a few friends just for funsies and met him along the way. You and your friends were having a picnic on a beach. It wasn’t a very populated one, so Fyodor was likely hanging around there.

• You and your friends heard the sound of boots crunching on sand and rocks. You turned around and saw Fyodor, staring at you from afar with a poker face, and intriguing purple/violet eyes.

• He panicked a bit actually. He didn’t expect you and your friends to be where he’s at. Instead, he took a deep breath, kindly looked at each of your friends, then smiled while walking away.

• You were beyond interested in this guy. He didn’t look Japanese. Was his appearance interesting to you? Definitely. Those purple-ish violet eyes? Alluring.

• Fyodor wasn’t doing any too important business. Well, he was still working on his next step to his goal, so he decided to walk out and just think.

• Some of your friends were a bit creeped by the guy, but you still wanted to figure him out. You tried talking to Fyodor to see what happens.

• I have to admit, he may have been annoyed by you at first. He just wanted alone time at the beach and you and your friends happen to be there. What made him change you may be wondering? It was a specific trait and thing you did that made him reciprocate your interest in him.

• Your outspoken yet feminine nature intrigued him a bit. Such an interesting combo of a personality. He probed you more, asking questions about yourself and taking note of everything. He wasn’t completely obsessed with you, but he found your uniqueness interesting. He wanted to understand you.

• From then on, your relationship bloomed from there.

• Fyodor probably walks around in old European cities with you often. Even if you haven’t been to one, I can imagine that Fyodor would have the tools to bring you on a trip.

• He didn’t see it before, but he finds you pleasant to look at. Your hair, your face, your hourglass shape, he likes it all!

• He likes that you’re likely to voice your opinion. It’s certainly a respectable trait.

• Probably calls you vampire too with your family. How’d he find out you may be wondering? Well, it was probably him peaking over your shoulder and noticing a text from one of your family members calling you that.

***

Your Danganronpa THH matchup is…

Chihiro Fujisaki

• I honestly think that Chihiro might be the most ideal match for you. He finds your confident, bold, and caring personality is something the he exactly needs.

• Let’s say the killing game never was a thing and that Junko never decided to be a menace to society. You’re matched with a nondespair!AU of Chihiro. You probably met him through Mondo and Makoto when Mondo was helping Chihiro build up his physical strength.

• You met Makoto first, and upon meeting you, he felt the need to introduce you to Chihiro and of course Mondo. He thought that if Mondo helped Chihiro with physical strength, you’d help him with mental strength.

• The meetup was pretty short honestly. You and Chihiro got close from the first you two saw each other. As time went by, you guys just got closer!

• Thinks your vampire nickname is a bit strange and laughed at it first. Nonetheless, he decided he’s lightheartedly call you that a few times. And if you weren’t okay with it, expect a very panicked and heartfelt apology lol.

• Baking nights together! One time he did get a little frosting on his nose, to which you responded to that by scooping it off his nose with your index finger.

• Honestly, someone who’s tough-minded like you and more bold is perfect for someone like Chihiro. 100%!

I had a bit of trouble with Chihiro’s part but I did the best I could. Hope you enjoyed! Sorry if I missed anything but I did what I could.

[soundrooms]

Soundrs: Cyprus Fuel

My name is Alexander, I’m releasing music as Cyprus Fuel (solo project), Moonshots (together with Tim aka flingu) and Wow & Flutter (together with Ole aka Treetime Music). I run a label called UltraBold Records and a tumblr blog called Soundrooms. My profession is graphic design, my passion is music making.

➜ Visit Fuelstagram

➜ Visit Spotyfuel

➜ Visit UltraBold Records

➜ INSTANT KARMA BOOST

Why do you make music?

Out of boredom or frustration. I get frustrated when I’m not bored enough to make music. I started making electronic music just to entertain myself.

What are your inspiration sources?

Listening to new music inspires me, new hard- or software inspires me, learning about new audio production tricks inspires me. Anything new inspires me!

Tell us something about your workflow.

I don’t like using presets, so most of the time I start with trying to get a cool sound out the music equipment I got. Lots of gear came and went; these days im using a Teenage Engineering OP-Z, Pocket Operator tonic, a computer with NI Reaktor, Ableton Live and Push 2.

How would creative rituals benefit your workflow?

I think it’s important to make music with a relaxed mind so anything that reduces the noise of everyday life is beneficial for creativity. I need to set up a space where I can single task on making music only. It’s also important to keep an open mind and excite all senses. Don’t let the daily grind dull you down. I find sport in nature and deep breathing helpful.

How do you get in the zone?

When I’m alone I like to make music very late when I’m sleepy. In that state the zone is right around the corner. Except for my annual mushroom trip I don’t use any consciousness altering substances anymore. I like to breathe in deeply through my nose—that’s a rush!

How do you start a track?

Ideally I would create a folder on my desktop, give it an arbitrary name, a tempo and a scale. Then I’d start filling it up with sound design samples from various sources, just the synths and tools I feel like using that day. I’ll create a sound and put it through FX. I’ll record whatever comes out. That way I create sounds which are my own. When I feel like I got enough material together, I’ll start a fresh Ableton project set to that tempo and that scale, throw the samples into Push and start building a groove with 4, 8 or 16 bars. If the groove is to my liking, I’ll start arranging. Changing things up and making it interesting. It tends to get pretty weird and experimental sometimes. But that’s okay because it’s my expression. I like to make music that satisfies me, not an audience.

More often than not though I’ll start with the cheesiest chord progression that I can come up with, add a simple four on the floor house drumbeat and develop things from there. The simpler the better. Same goes for graphic design by the way, start with a triangle and Helvetica and take things from there : )

Do you have a special template?

I have an improvisation template for experimentation, with various synths and effects, ready to go. Otherwise I always keep a limiter (Ableton stock) and spectrum analyzer (ditto) on the master bus. The limiter makes sure that I don’t brick my speakers through any loud experimentation!

What do you put on the master channel?

If I master a demo I start with an EQ for high (~16k Hz) and low cut (~30 Hz), a glue compressor to catch peaks, a litte dynamic tube, a little OTT, another compressor for the final gain and a saturator. At the very end is a loudness meter, I try to hit 12 LUFS average.

How do you arrange and finish a track?

This is the part where I struggle with the most. Sometimes arrangement can be easy, fluid and fast, many times I get stuck on an 8 bar loop for hours. It can help to stretch out the 8 bars for several minutes and substract, or just re-record the master output and jam the track out for fun. The best music is made with feeling, not with thought. Another trick is to import a song from another artist and copy the structure.

How do you deal with unfinished projects?

I let em sit on my hard drive and revisit from time to time. I’ll try to find the element that’s most engaging in the project. Then I’ll try and build a new structure around that element or simply bounce it to audio and store it as a sample for later use.

How do you store and organize your projects?

My projects move through various stages through folders which I’ve set up like this:

• Ideas

• In Progress (Arrangement)

• 90 % (Mixing & Pre-Mastering)

• Finished (Demos & Releases)

How do you take care of studio ergonomics?

I have to mindsets: seriousness and fun.

In fun mode I can sit down or lay or stand anywhere and entertain myself with sound creation. Whether it be jamming on a bench or meadow outside with friends, alone with headphones on a train or simply in pyjamas on the couch with the OP-Z in front of me or the MacBook on my lap. In that mode I care about exploration and process and not about results or ergonomics.

In serious mode I want to achieve a goal like mixing or arrangement. This is where I’ll sit down in my humble studio. I’m very paranoid and frustrated a lot of the time about the way my music sounds. I’m always making adjustments, optimizing my listening situation. The next improvement is going to be a subwoofer. Room treatment is key for confident mixing!

Tell us something about your daily routine, how is your day structured, how do you make room for creativity?

I work as a freelance graphic designer so I’m in the lucky position to be able to structure my daily life how I want to. On a perfect day, I’ll wake up pretty early, fool around with my outrageously young girlfriend until she has to leave for her job, get up for a cup of coffee, do some body exercises, spend an hour playing video games or reading a couple of pages in a book to jumpstart my brain. I’ll then check the computer for correspondence and design duties. In the afternoon, I’ll go outside for sport and fresh air. After dinner I tend to get bored or frustrated and start up Ableton. I’m an introvert so I don’t have the need to socialize that much. In that regard the pandemic situation doesn’t affect me all that much, I feel. I don’t subscribe to Netflix or consume mass media to any degree. I like to play city walking videos on YouTube, for ambiance.

Share a quick producing tip.

Start from INIT. Play around with knobs and buttons until something interesting starts to happen. Begin simple, become complex.

Share a link to an interesting website (doesn’t have to be music related).

➜  http://radio.garden/

List ten sounds you are hearing right this moment : )

cars passing by outside

Cargo mix #043

keyboard typing

my breathing

my feet moving around on the floor

I can hear my thoughts

I can hear your thoughts

from a thousand miles away

if you think the same as me

we’ll both get an echo.

Thanks for reading. Stay wonderful y’all!

[palishere]

4 ingredients: Sammy... Handcuffs.... Whipped cream... And a pair of stilettos.

Click. Click. Click.

Goes the knee high, leather, black boots against the almost non existant floorboards. The shoelace thin ties are pulled tight eenough that the leather hugs my thigh. God, it feels so good. So sexy. My eyes glance over the small frame of my glasses and into the bright blue gaze of my reflection.

I single handedly took out a hunter today. Nothing can wipe this proud smile as i apply thick black eyeliner wanting to look my best. Especially when the Alpha finally turns up.

I feel the bottom of my stomache churning. Anticipation, excitement and nerves all washing around with just a dash of butterflies to keep life interesting. Im jittery. The adrenaline must be the reason. I haven't taken a hunter down before. And did my heart do somersaults when i pulled keys and a brown leather wallet from the agents pant pocket. He must have thought he wasn't staying long. He was very wrong.

It's exciting watching my pupils grow. Feeling my heart rushing gaster and faster as the adrenaline continues to consume the veins through my body. I haven't known lust like this.

The rattle of handcuffs behind me gives him away, he's finally awake. And i have never been so impatient to play. And when William sees him, sees me and him i hope with every fiber that i might be allowed to keep him.

I turn around with a cherry red smile on my lips as i face the stone cold, brown eyed hunter. And if looks could kill.

"Sam Winchester." I sigh a deep exhale to calm my nerves, "Finally awake..."

"You!" He snarls, "You killed those people!?" He yanks on the handcuffs and they scuff against the metal frame of the single bed. I'm feeling confident that they will hold.

"Me? Oh, God no. I- I'm not in that... brand... i'm far too new."

"New?" He says quickly and equally confused.

"Yeah. Honey, new-"

"So you're in a pack?"

"Pack? Oh, i suppose. "

"What does that mean?" He hisses and tries to act like i can't see his hand searching for a loose nail. Staller, i can't help but tsk as i walk closer to him.

"You boys never had werewolves get the drop on ya huh? Well, the pleasure really will be all mine." I feel my eyes glowing and i watch with curiousity as Sam takes in my unique feature. My eyes, for reasons that i will explain soon, they don't shift normally when i take my were-form. They kind of glow a dark pink colour.

"What... Are you? You're not-"

"A werewolf? I am. I'm just a new type of werewolf."

"A hybrid?"

"Thats the one..." i place my hand on his knee and give his leg a firm squeeze. "You excite me, hunter.."

He protests so pretty, i feel my body reacting favourably as he swears fore to stop. But, it was already too late for him. Noone was going to stop this.

His black dress pants are pulled uncomfortably under his knees, while the fabric is pulled so tight i retrieve his blade and nick the cotton pants and they fall apart under him.

"Stop. What are you doing? Why? Don't. Jesus. Don't."

"Hush. I'm not even close to done." I put one knee over him and straddle his hips and it's like they always belong. Like he always belong to me. Under me. With me. My heart pounds at an incredible rate, but, if this is how i die, well, better this than a shotgun.

I sit back a little and hitch my skirt up over my hips. Two fingers are quick to slide among my labia and spread the juices around i moan when i find my own clit and it's almost like i found it for the first time, i buck down and moan with a tear forming in my eye.

"I've wanted this for too long..."

"Ngh- you can't..." his voice stutters. And i don't even need to respond to that because. I can. And i will. And i am.

With one hand getting to know myself the other picks up a nearby can, shaking it just as i intend to shake Sammy's monster cock as soon as i get my hand in his clean, white underwear.

"W-what are you d-doin?"

"Helping you." Is all i offer before i tilt the can and spray the tasty white stuff over Sam's chest. A long stripe of whipped cream lands just above his nipple and up to the V on his neck. "There's a few things that make me unique," i say with a hard roll of the hips, but the noises it drags from his throat are what i've lived for. I lean over his generous body and lap at the whipped cream. And may the good Lord help me when he moans.

I feel him chubbing and i wish i could stop rolling my hips over him, but, like a needy animal in heat, there is no stopping me. "The first thing that makes me unique," i whisper againdt his golden skin, "Is how i was turned. It isn't everyday a succubus has an offer like i did.."

"Y-You're...!?"

My hand turns his chin towards me, and i let my eyes radiate once more with a hum before locking lips with the little hunter. "Delicious..." I can feel his heart, pounding, picking up pace and it takes another kiss or two before our hearts beat at the same rhythm.

"But that's not even where i get my power, see, to be turned a succubus... there is a ritual."

"N-Ngh..." he clamps his mouth shut and my eyes turn a shade darker at his defiance, another shake of the whipped cream and his eyes shoot open. I nip across his cheek and lean in to clean my mess.

Meanwhile, my hand has snaked behind his head and i grip his thick chestnut locks. He's perfect and i'm unashamed to admit that i want to keep him.

"Succubus are demons..! Th-they're bred as demons..." he sounds exhausted and i feel his energy seeping into me.

"Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Where did you read that?" I lean up to steal another kiss and this time he lets my tongue slip inside. So i naturally have to reward that with another grind. He responds so nicely.

I find his blade again and snip the underwear away, he is fully erect and Jesus, he is sporting a monster of his own. I can't wait for his tip to meet my folds, to mindless explore my entrance, to accidently bump my clitoris. To ride him for hours and hours on end. And ultimately for him to give in and accept that he will be my new breed.

"No, well- yes. Most Succubus. But, i was turned." Finally. Finally, my hand slips between the heat of our bodies and i grip him, "every wonder... what happens when a lust demon defiles a virgin?" No complaints, no swearing, no fighting and i line him up and it's like the first time. "It was some time ago and for most of that time I was forbidden of this act." I scoff, "Can you imagine a sex demon forbidden from sex?!" Less pain, more pleasure, heightened senses, lust filling the room. He moans so pretty, begging repeatedly. Beautiful. "Thats when i met William, the answer was to cross my bloodline with another..."A burst of energy pulses through me and although i've never experience anything like it before, my instincts know exactly what's happened. His resistance has depleted and all thats left is for his climax to fill me and i'll have him made an obediant servant before William even arrives.

"Ngh! Ah!" His head pulls forward watching as i bounce up and down over his throbbing cock, it almost slips out before i force it back in, it's filling me. I see him nodding, because he wants it, wants to release inside of me.

I lean forward, hand grabbing his neck and squeezing it as my hips push into his, the springs of the bed shriek loudly. He pants and pants and pants and i can feel his release building in his loins. Our pending orgasms entwining into each other, a mix of blue and pink energy swirlling together and his gaze fixes on me, he voiclessly begs me to let him cum and-

"Soon...Hang on...hang on, baby..." Our bodies make obscene sounds and i moan with eyes rolled into the back of my head, "Ahh! Yes!! Yes! So full...You gonna fuck me baby? Fuck me hard? Tell me..." my eyes are almost a glow of purple, the lust overbearing and the need for orgasm taking over as i ride the Winchester through the mattress.

He begged for the longest time. I wish Dean had been there to watch his baby brother come undone like he did. It was mind shattering.

My arms wrapped around his neck, holding him as i drilled my hips into his, his cock curving perfectly to fill my every need, when i finally got close and his climax was peaking, our energies combined into an explosion of power. His load never seemed to stop, just kept spurting and spurting and twitching inside of me and just when we thought he was spent, i lapped at his neck and shoulder, nipping lightly with my teeth and had him blowing a surprise load that neither of us knew he was holding.

Spent from the obvious, i grinded softly against him and once the effects started to wear off, his fight slowly started to repair.

The soft "What did you do?" Filled my heart with joy.

"Oh, sweetie, that was just round one..."

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #309

“show me how to lie - you’re getting better all the time  /  and turning all against one is an art that’s hard to teach.”

Have you ever played Jackbox Games? If so, which ones of their party games are your favorites? No, but I looooove watching Mark and The Boys play them on charity streams. They can make up the funniest shit. I can't recall the name of the specific one I'm thinking of... but I enjoy watching most of them. I do think one or two are boring, though. Do you have artistic friends? If so, have you got their artwork displayed? I have some very talented friends, but I don't have anything of theirs displayed somewhere. Have you ever considered pole dancing? Why/why not? No. It takes an incredible amount of strength, plus confidence I don't have. That and I'm just not into it. What's the last thing you fixed yourself? Uhhhhhhh bitch I couldn't tell ya. Are there any CDs you've held onto for sentimental reasons? No. Did you read the Barbie magazines with comics made with the actual dolls? "I didn’t know that was a real thing." <<<< Me either. What's the last thing you knitted? I've never knitted before. Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') She was the first person who joined my RP mob back in the Animal Planet forum days. Why do you take surveys? Be honest. Boredom, distraction, and sometimes I just wanna ramble about whatever. Does mail get delivered to your door or do you have a mailbox outside? Our mailbox is by the side of the road at the end of our driveway. Your doorbell rings out of the blue. What's your reaction? Let Mom answer it. I don't answer the door ever if I don't expect someone or can peek outside and don't recognize them. Are all the lamps in your home LED or other energy saving lights? I don't know. Do you prefer writing by hand or typing? Typing. I can't write very long at all before my carpal tunnel flares up. Think of one of the biggest decisions you've had to make in your life...If you made a different choice, how different would your life be now? I'd be dead, that simple. Have you ever taken a course on CPR? No. What makes you laugh most effortlessly? You can guess it pretty easily. What makes you cry most effortlessly? I make it a rule that I "can't" listen to "Eternally Yours" by Motionless In White because there hasn't been even ONE occasion where it hasn't made me cry, even when I was stupid enough to binge it because it's just a good song. I've broken that "rule" before because I do just genuinely enjoy the song, but I know the pain truly isn't worth it, so I haven't heard it in a decently long time. What is the best smell in the whole world? Cinnamon rolls, probably. My body wash is currently that kind of smell, and Jesus Christ it's the best part of showering. Do you wear a watch? No. Can you tell time from an analog clock? Yes. What a time it'll be when kids can't anymore... Is there a number or a combination of numbers that feels important to you? Only dates, but not numbers themselves. What is the most socially awkward thing you've done? *gestures at my life as a whole* Is your computer decorated in any way? No. If your old class was to have a reunion, would you attend it? No. No. I don't want to relive my high school experience; it would be too painful for me to willingly walk into. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? I would say "the breakup," but technically it was letting him basically own me and my every neuron of joy. Not by his will of course, but my own. I was stupid and just... handed those rights over without really realizing it. I can harp forever and ever and EVER about the importance of making sure you own yourself and your emotions. Do you ever donate money to charity? If so, which charity and why? Blah blah blah, I don't get an income, you know this. Whenever I do, I 100% plan on donating to every charity stream Mark ever hosts again, as well as some other people's. I'd love to donate to a lot of places. Would you ever want to get married? If so, why? Yes, because society has made it too instilled in me that it's just like... this ultimate validation of "forever" with your partner, even though I know you can be just as or even far more invested in your relationship without marriage. The only *true* benefit of marriage imo is for legal and financial reasons, but yeah, I still want it. Like I said, it's too deeply embedded in that brain of mine that it's a relationship goal. Why do you live the way you do? I'm not even living the way I want to, so... Have you ever abused an animal? No, and I say "fuck you" with every ounce of sincerity and loathing if you have. Do you think animals are less important than humans? If so, why? Nope. We share this earth and grew from the same roots, so what *really* makes us better? We might be smarter (generally) and more developed as the apex predator, but that does not equate to being more important than, say, even a gnat. That creature has the exact same level of rights to be here as the human species does. I could go on and on and on about this topic. How close was the last person close to you who has died? Not extremely, but she was still important to and loved by me. Grandma and I were very, very different and butted heads more than once, but her love was unconditional, and she showed boundless kindness to others. She showed a courage I see as unmatched in the face of death. I truly, deeply, in the very core of my heart hope she is at peace and experiencing all joys she ever wished for. How does death in general make you feel? Well, it depends on how I'm looking at it. I fully accept it is an inevitable phase in simply existing that none of us will ever evade, so it's not exactly terrifying to me, though of course I don't want it anytime soon. If I'm thinking about people I love dying, I definitely get sad about it and scared of that possibly eternal separation. Is there a person you absolutely loathe? If so, why do you loathe them? Not that I know personally, no. Has anyone ever told you that you're rude? If so, what caused it? No; I think I'm very mannerly, honestly. Have you ever seen a therapist? I've regularly seen therapists since I started middle school. I advocate for everyone to have one, honestly, whether you have a mental illness or not. Have you ever been homeless? In technical terms, yes, but a friend let me stay with her until Mom and I settled into a new place. Have you ever been completely broke? That's the actual story of my life. Well, not me personally considering I've never had to take care of myself financially, but my mom struggles very, very badly with this, and mind you, she's frugal. Just disgustingly underpaid when she worked, and her current status with disability isn't exactly incredibly generous. I live under her roof, so. Have you ever had a steady job? No. Have you ever needed a loan? If so, what for? Have you paid it back? Yes, for school, and no. I do NOT want to know how in debt I am with schools. Have you ever wanted to go to space? Not seriously, no. What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen or heard? I am 99.99% sure mine and Jason's old roommates were having some ~kinky~ sex once while I was alone on the couch against their bedroom. Preeeetty sure the girl was making meowing sounds. They were furries (who I want to emphasize have zero judgment from me; I actually think they're very brave and creative), so that was... something I definitely wasn't used to hearing, haha. What has been the most exciting moment of your life thus far? Probably when Mark N O T I C E D me on Tumblr by reblogging a gif I made of him and his pupper, and I LITERALLY struggled to sleep for three days lmfaoooo. How many birds can you name just by looking at them? Uhhhh a pretty decent amount, I'd say. Which birds are most common around your neighborhood? Crows, sparrows, cardinals and bluejays if you're lucky, robins... pretty basic stuff like that. What do you think is the most interesting sea creature? Octopi are absolutely fascinating with their intelligence. How do you reset your head to zero, so to speak? Take a nap. That usually works. Have you ever gone exploring an abandoned building? Yeah, I love that shit and really wish I could do it more. Bring my camera, too. Are there any foreign television shows you enjoy watching? Some animes. Do you have any clocks in your house that chime when the hour changes? Do those types of clocks annoy you? No. I actually quite like them, though. Has anyone ever let you borrow some of their music, promising you'd love it, but you really didn't? Did you lie to the person and agree, or tell the truth, that you hated it? My dad lent me his Shinedown CD once clearly without thinking I could just look up the album online, haha... He's an old clueless man, leave 'im be. But anyway, of course I listened to it for him and I enjoyed it; I especially loved "The Human Radio," "Kill Your Conscience" and "Pyro." Have you had the same doctor pretty much your whole life, or have you went to a bunch of different ones over the years? Have you ever been to the doctor thinking something was horribly wrong with you, but it turned out to be something minor? Mine has changed a few times, but I haven't had "a bunch." As for the second question, not to my recollection. Is the background on your phone a default picture, or a picture you took? What is the picture of? The lock screen is a pastel-styled list of mental health reminders: "i am strong, i am loved, i am enough." My home screen has been some adorable meerkat pups for a while, which I didn't take. What is your favorite type of print (ex: zebra, stripes, argyle)? Do you have a lot of things with this print on it? Ummmm maybe plaid? No. Are there any stores you feel uncomfortable going into (ex: if you dress girly, do you feel uncomfortable going into Hot Topic)? Are there any stores that you refuse, or just never go in to? The only situation I could think of would be a sex shop. That'd be so fuckin uncomfortable. What is your favorite brand of clothing? Is this a brand that is sort of expensive, or is it pretty affordable? I'm heavily biased towards Cloak, haha. I just support anything and everything Mark takes part it, and it's his and jacksepticeye's business. I have one shirt and it's genuinely great quality and reall comfy. I wouldn't call its products expensive, but they're not cheap, either. What person do you text the most? My mom or Sara, depending on the day. Do you have any pictures that always make you laugh, or cry? Are they digital pictures, or printed pictures? What is the significance? No. Not pictures I have anymore, at least. Have you ever eaten raw pumpkin? Omg I would never. I hate the flavor of any sort of pumpkin food. Does your car have a name? I don't have my own car, but Mom jokingly calls hers "Olivia." Who was the last person you made plans with? One of my sister's in-laws that's actually the mother of one of my closest friends contacted me to plan some family pictures. What is the rudest thing someone has done recently towards you? I can't think of anything recent. How do you feel about your hair right now? It needs to be trimmed and dyed. How fast have you driven a car? I think accidentally leaning towards 80 on a highway. When you're hanging out with friends + you become bored, do you just leave or endure the boredom? Given I can't leave without a car, I deal with it. What did you last plug into your computer? What were you doing with this? The charger for obvious reasons. What color(s) have you dyed your hair? Red, purple, black, then red, purple, and lighter brown highlights. I really wish I could dye it more and actually have the color stick... Was your first kiss perfect? It was to me. What song did you hear last? I have "Over The Mountain" by Ozzy on now. (: Does anyone have any blackmail on you? No. Have you ever walked into the guys' bathroom? HA, once during a teacher work day (my mom was an assistant) at my elementary school. My sisters and friends went in there to be little "rebels." I remember being mega confused with urinals, haha. Then as a teen and adult, I've been in the dance studio's boy's restroom as well as a church's to help Mom clean. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? My therapist. Are you shy? I am VERY shy. Are you talkative? Generally, no, but when I'm in a very good mood, I tend to be. Has your most recent ex ever seen you cry? Oh jeez, she saw me wail once. When was the last time you were called "cute"? I'm not sure. Would you rather be called "hot", "cute" or "beautiful"? "Beautiful." Do you have a little sister? Yep. Definitely not "little" anymore, though. About to have her Master's in social work... How many arguments have you had with the last person you kissed? Given our childhood, we've fought a lot, but mostly just as kids over very, very stupid things. As adults, we've had a serious argument once or twice and then just some very minor disagreements sprinkled in there. Do you know anyone who's been arrested? Oh yes. What're you planning on doing after this? Another survey. What time did you go to sleep last night? Damn, it wasn't even 8:00. I was EXHAUSTED and actually slept decently for once in my life. Do you like waking up to good morning texts in the morning? I mean, I'd think most people would. It's a sweet, easy way of someone showing they care and think about you. Have you left some things unsaid with a certain person? Yeah. What was the last thing that made you happy? We had syrup to add to my breakfast, haha. I don't know if these are a thing everywhere, but I looove what we just call "pancakes on a stick," which is like a corndog, but with sausage and pancake batter. Dipping it in syrup is amaaaaaaziiiiiiing. Do you like the smell of rain? I don't love it, but it's refreshing sometimes. It's mostly just associated with a bittersweet memory, so it can be triggering to smell. I know, that sounds immensely stupid. What was the last thing you took a picture of? A very, very relatable meme to show Sara, haha. She doesn't have a Facebook, so that'll do. When you go to McDonald's, what drink do you usually get? I always get a Coke. What’s the nickname of your home state? Tar Heel State, from discovering tar in the since aptly-named Tar River. Have you ever thought about your wedding? I mean duh. What’s the worse type of weather in your opinion? Hot and humid, ugh. Especially right after a summer afternoon thunderstorm. It's unbearable. You can't fucking breathe outside, and you set one foot out of the door and it's soaked. Do you have a Kindle or iPad or neither? Neither. Would you rather read or write? Write. When was the last time someone took a picture of you? The time Misty visited last month and we were taking family pictures. Would you rather see Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood in concert? I wouldn't pay for either or even willingly go to one or the other, but if I had to go for whatever reason, Carrie. She has a beautiful voice as well as a good handful of songs I actually like. I'm not a Taylor fan; there are only like, two old songs by her I enjoy. When someone screws you over, do you get back with revenge? No. I may not be the best at adulting, but damn, I'm not that bad. Name something negative that you hate about yourself? I overthink like a motherfucker. About everything. Is there a dead end road near where you live? I live on one. Huh, that's actually been the case three times... wow. Four if you count the apartment. Who are you tired of seeing in the news a lot (celebrities)? I don't care. I don't even pay attention to the news, other than Covid updates. Have you ever had to call and complain about a product you bought? No. Name something positive you love about yourself: I care a lot about people. Can you smell anything right now? No, besides however my house naturally smells that I'm numb to. Have you spoken to a relative on the phone today? No. How does alcohol affect you? I flush in my face very obviously, and I become more outgoing and talkative. Have you ever eaten tofu and if so, did you enjoy it? I've never tried it, but I very much doubt I'd enjoy it. What was the last type of meat you ate? Pork. What colour is your toothpaste? Blue and white. Have you ever been suspended from school? No. Have you ever inhaled helium? Once, I believe. Are you a fan of Adam Sandler? Yeah, I think he's pretty funny and a talented actor. What was the last fruit you ate? An apple. A candied apple for Valentine's Day, but still an apple, haha. Have you ever watched Parks and Recreation? With Sara's family, yeah. It was fine. Have you watched a movie this week? I haven't watched a movie in many months. Have you set an alarm today? Yeah, just to ensure I was up for group therapy today. Have you asked someone for advice today? No. What was the last website you were on, other than this one? YouTube. Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, but it'd be cool. Well, thinking about the humidity... Have you watched more than an hour of TV today? No; I haven't watched television in a long time. Do you keep magazines by your toilet? No. The last time you got dressed up, where did you go? I got my makeup done and put on a dress for a Halloween "witch" shoot with my friend and some other people. The pictures pretty much don't exist because they're blurry as shit and way too dark because we left too late. I don't know why we even left the house to do it by the time everyone figured their shit out. I was really disappointed because I thought Summer made me look really, really pretty. ;_; Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize? Yes, but I don't know if he really meant it. He might have just wanted me off his back, but I kinda feel now that he meant it, at least regarding how it happened. Are you proud of who you are? Only in the sense that I think I have a good heart. Otherwise, no. I've accomplished so little. Have you ever been to Costco? We don't have those here, so no. Do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school? No, thank Christ. Only in middle school. How many video games do you own? A whole lot. Have you ever been to a casino? If so, which one(s)? No. Have you ever visited a sex shop? No. How many sets of keys do you have for your house? One. Do you give spare keys to your place to your friends and family? Our landlord/family friend has one. Then obviously my sisters do, too. Have you ever ridden a bicycle through a busy city? Oh hell no. Do you use Instagram? How often do you post there? Yes, two for each of my photography "styles." I don't post a lot myself, but I react to stuff. When was the last time you high-fived someone? I believe the last time I was at my sister's and my nephew caught a Pokemon on his first throw in Pokemon GO. He and his sister LOVE that game; that's the first thing they ask to do when I come over, haha. Their dad doesn't like it because it's "evil" (which he finds most things, really...), and it's something I could roll my eyes into the back of my head about, but I still have to respect his parenting and ask if they can play it first. He let's 'em, just not long. He also took away the Pikachu plushy I gave Aubree because it's her favorite one. :^) Guess who doesn't fuckin like him lmao. Do you like writing? How often do you write? I love writing! I don't do it very much nowadays except through surveys, though. RP is kinda on pause, so surveys is really how I just get stuff out, even if it isn't creative. Are there any posters or artworks hanging in your living room? Artwork and family photos, yes. What's your favourite place to get pizza? I'm a basic bitch that loves her some Domino's. How many times have you been to the beach? Quite a few times. We live only like two hours away, and considering Myrtle Beach is a common dance competition location, we've been a couple handfuls of instances. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. No. After we moved out of my childhood house though that we actually owned, the fucking idiots who were moving in completely roasted it to pitch by setting boxes on the goddamn stove and accidentally turning it on. The house had to be entirely rebuilt. My parents were livid considering it was THEIR house. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? No. What was the best school project you remember doing? I actually really enjoyed the huge essay I did on toxic masculinity the last time I tried college. I've always been very firm about letting men be humans and not emotionless robots, but I learned a lot more while researching and writing. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus is #1. I've beaten it at least 30 times, maybe even 40+; it's been too long since I've seen the save files. It's a relatively short game (you can beat it in less than like, four hours if you know what you're doing) and just very relaxing yet simultaneously absolutely epic to me. God, I want a PS4 to play the remaster, like beyond words. It looks incredible, and I want to try to get white Agro. Have you ever petted a cow, a sheep, or a pig? A pig, yes. I love pigs.

[pinkykitten]

I was tagged by @writing-with-melon I hope my answers aren’t complete waste or if time and if so I’m sorry and I love you

Rules: Answer ten 10 questions, ask 10, and tag 10 people

1. What song automatically plays in your head when you look out the window on a long drive? 

i dont really have an answer for this. i think i just automatically think about any song ive been listening to recently or any song that has been stuck in my head. 

2.  Do you have some snacks nearby when you write?

well i live in a two story house so the kitchen is downstairs and im usually lazy busy so since i have a mini fridge upstairs i just usually get water to drink while im writing. its kinda hard to eat and write cuz i loose focus really easily so when i am writing i am writing! i am in the zone! but if i am a little hungry ill usually snack on candy like chocolate kinder joys i love them but they r so expensive or snack on chips but i get like salt on my fingers or i like cheetos so cheetos dust and that just gets everywhere and later my hands and keyboard kinda smell like fart. 3. What do you do to combat creative burnout?

so burnout happens to me a lot so to get inspiration i either read other stories or fanfics which gets my head gears turning or i admire a piece of art or photography or a song. whats so unique and satisfying with writing you can explore and go anywhere with it, hehehe erotic if you know what i mean lol jk there are no barriers with writing just your imagination. there is inspiration any where you go and id advise to never stop writing. even if its a few short sentences or paragraphs about anything even bird poop its still progression and your mind is working and your searching for words like its all good for you bby.  4. Do you use (or like to use) prompts? 

i do ill put the link here. im thinking of changing it though to do something different. 

5. What is your favorite place to write?

lol boring, i know but my room. my room is really bright in the mornings and comfortable and chill and i have a candle of the pandora ride in disney that smells like the ride so its all good and relaxing and super peaceful plus i have a picture of myself the age of like 9 on my desk idk why but it encourages me and makes me focus to make sure i never get that cringy again. 

6. What is a hobby or yous that you usually don’t talk about?

well i like working out HAHAHAHAHA jk that was a joke...get it...cuz i much rather be eatingokillstop. but i really like to draw which i have a art page you can see it if you click here pls look at my failed attempts to be hip and cool with the cool kids and being artsy fartsy. another hobby is i really like to do makeup and nail art, nail art is really tough guys no joke if you do it like you got wizard powers are something. maybe its bc my nails are shorter than pete davidson and ariana grande’s relationship, alright im trying to stop i swear!

7. Do you play an instrument? Which one?

no i wish though. i always wanted to learn to either play the piano or electric guitar cuz H.E.R looks so cool doing it. 

8. How do you feel about your handwriting?

it sucks dont even try me. my sister can barely read it like no wonder nobody wants to steal my signature heck they can’t even read it!

9. Can you tell us of a story that marked your development as a person? As a writer?

ok sit back guys, sniff a nice amount of crack and get ready for the most cringy moment of my life but also a time when i knew i was meant to be *inhale* a fanfic writer. 

so it was elementary school, i think 3rd grade and for my writing assignment we were given a prompt of idk what the heck tbh i think it was like be outside the box and im like ok imma nail this cuz im a weird child and yeah so i got my papers and pencil and i went TO TOWN on this paper. so i wrote two stories. one short story with a picture to go with it and one long story that yeah i buried years ago. so my first story was about a farmer was about that farming life. he had chickens and dairy. so i cant remember if the cheese was spoiled but doesnt matter. anywho these cheese and a chicken were alive like they could talk in the story and i gave them faces, yikes. but the whole story was the farmer was a b*tch and he was trying to eat the chicken and cheese so they hatched a plan to get away from the farmer. they did it successfully and they ran away. yay happy ending my teacher actually liked that one me too and my school mates were thinking what they heck is this girl on i made a story about how me and justin bieber made cookies for Christmas you know. so then my other story i was more proud of this one cuz it was a tone of paper, sorry trees, and this story was about how a female hippo (girl i was all about plus size and thicker girls and no body shaming) and an male ostrich were kidnapped from their own habitats and taken to become circus animals. failed version of Madagascar hey mine was before the circus movie OK THEY STOLE IT FROM MEEEEE. so they get taken and are treated to harsh punishment and the animals can talk and i think its in the point of view of the male ostrich guy thing. they are in the circus and they start to have this relationship happening. love starts blossoming its all good. im happy with this cuz i believed in love at age of 8. they find a way thru a kick butt scene of the animals escaping and the hippo and ostrich are so in love that they run away together and they have half hippo half ostrich babies and i think i named the species  hipstrich or like ostppo idk but i was so proud of this story and when my teacher read it she was worried about me lol i think she thought i might like mate these two animals like secretly idk but she was like it was ok and i was like what this is frickin William Shakespeare writing or like F. Scott Fitzgerald writing. nevertheless it taught me a lesson that nobody else needs to like what im writing the main point and only thing that matters is if your proud of it and you like it and i really did. i will remember that story forever and thats what made me want to be a writer. lol sorry that was a lot. 

10. @emdop I’m going to use this great question: Explain one of your WIPs in the most ridiculous way possible. 

wellllll im working on my peaky blinders oc story its a lot of drugs money killing weapons jewelry rich profanities like its the show but written from my stubby hands so my oc and whatever its great and so excited to show it to you guys. 

MY QUESTIONS:

1. WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO START TUMBLR?

2. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING OF THIS WORLD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

3. WHAT QUALITY IS IMPORTANT TO YOU?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE OUTFIT?

5. WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE?

6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

7. IF YOU COULD VISIT A PLACE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

8. WHAT SHOW OR MOVIE UNIVERSE WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN?

9. WHAT IS THE SCARIEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE?

10. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE IN THIS WORLD THAN ANYTHING ELSE?

im tagging: @thatlittlered, @ardentmuse, @acciosnapes, @lotsoffandomimagines, @collecting-stories, @blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms, @naughtyneganjdm, @lenahellgizibe and two random followers @spiritsent, @sucker-for-my-fandoms

i was tagged by @writing-with-melon again ty btw, ps i felt so much pressure lol jk 😊

Rules: Answer 5 questions, Ask 5 questions, Tag 5 people.

1. What is your favorite book?

fifty shades of grey hahaha naw my favorite book is obv you all know this is series of unfortunate events but i never usually cry period and i never cry for books ever so when i read mrs. tom thumb by melanie benjamin, its the part when her sister minnie dies i cried so hard idk it was just emotional the wording the way she described her pain it was so beautiful written yet so sad and that was just amazing to me cuz im like this book made me feel things and im like wow i would love to write a book one day and make someone feel something whether it be sadness anger happiness annoyance anything they are having an emotion and that is super powerful to do that with just words. pls go check out that book its a good read. also im a fan of the greatest showman so i really enjoyed it. there are many other books tho that i thoroughly enjoy so much. 

2. What piece that you’ve written are you most proud of?

oh my god ive always wanted to be asked this question hands down i am always proud of my platonic gender neutral tony stark fic called in·con·sol·a·ble window to me i wrote it so sad and i was feeling like depressed lol when i saw peter die in infinity war like i didnt know what to do with my life tbh but im so glad that @impetrichorny requested it tysm i just like how its not based on romance or fluff or happiness it is based on when you lose someone the nightmares and sadness you go through and that there is nothing nobody can do about it except just be there for that person so i really like writing angst and something that was out of the box. ive been thinking tho of doing a part two since the fate of all the characters has changed after endgame. who knows tho. 

3. What is the last song that inspired you? 

well for art it would have to good news by mac miller when i did that kobe bryant memorial on my art page. i dont want to give it away though but ill just say some very powerful womens music inspired my oc writing and making. 

4. How do you feel about letting people read what you write?

at first i was scared cuz i thought i wrote like trash which that feeling kinda doesnt go away like some days i feel that way others i feel confident or it depends on the request it just depends but anyways i was always insecure about my writing so when i started writing it was more like lets see how this goes if not ill delete the whole page. im glad to say it went great but in the begging it was hard cuz i kept putting myself down but i learned to accept or just understand that you keep learning with writing you always learn knew things with writing how you can explain something better or you words get more intricate and people see the improvement and you do too thats why i applaud those who dont speak english that english isnt their first language. you are doing a tremendous job and keep practicing cuz you’re gonna make it to the top. ive also learned that some days are not my days and you can take time off when youre not feeling it when you have writers block. just recollect your juices sip some tea go to the beach relax your mind a little and take as long as you need to come back and give it your all. also comments and reblogs and likes a follows those meant so much to me and encouraged me. thats why i cant express it enough how much all those mean to writers, artist, photographers, anybody who is truly trying their hard in this area of social media. its makes a person happy smile and confident in their writing but first train your mind into loving what you make not what others thing. you have to be happy with the outcome that is what truly matters and what makes your writing the best. look at me getting philosophical. 

5. Do you get distracted easily? If yes with what?

yes and with porn haha i get distracted easily like very easily homeschooling was really tough for me. music distracts me, netflix, the urge to watch david dobrik or unus annus or buzzfeed unsolved on youtube, heck my farts distract me. i gotta be like troy bolton i gotta get my HEAD IN THE GAME!

MY QUESTIONS:

1. IF YOU COULD BE NAMED SOMETHING ELSE, WHAT WOULD YOU BE NAMED?

2. WHAT PERSON INSPIRES YOU THE MOST?

3. IF YOU KNEW THE WORLD WAS ENDING TOMORROW WHAT WOULD YOU DO TODAY?

4. WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT IN THE SHOWER?

5. WHATS YOUR WEIRD COMBINATION FOOD?

im tagging: @thatlittlered​, @ardentmuse​, @acciosnapes​, @lotsoffandomimagines​, @collecting-stories​ AND WHOEVER WANTS TO DO THIS IF YOU FOLLOW ME OR LIKE MY STORIES TAG ME ILL READ YOUR ANSWERS. HOPE I DID THIS RIGHT SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING MWUAH 

[purelafemme]

Mid 2020 reflections

The older I grow, the more important I realize it is to extend myself grace, and to practice patience. All the pieces of my life will come together. This pandemic has taught me to be still. 

A few days ago I woke up in a grumpy mood. Over the last few months, some days will go by and I will feel fine. Others, not too hot. Recently, I decided to practice a tip from one of the former therapists. I took the time to “check in” with myself and pinpoint all the reasons I was feeling so out of tune. 

A big reason for this “out-of-tuneness” is coming from my job. I don’t feel as connected and engaged to my work, as I would imagine it would be if we were in the office. Its difficult for me to focus and relax in my room. All my life I have struggled with performance anxiety, which has become heightened due to my experience in the AEA program. Teleworking has blurred the lines between my home life and my work life, making it difficult for my brain to separate the two. Also, I feel cramped and restricted due to the lack of independence and freedom I am experiencing living in my parents house. I miss my freedom and independence of living in my own apartment. I’m going to stay here until January to try and save more money (at least $8,000). Just like I felt with Morgan back in fall of 2017, I can feel that I have outgrown living in my parents house and living in Baltimore. It’s time for a new beginning and a fresh start. I don’t want the pandemic to prevent me from pushing back my plans further, or allow it to cause time to get away from me. It’s important that I take this step towards moving out for me.

 A second reason propelling my dismay comes from a realization that I had realized over the past weekend. I have a strong tendency to over give in a lot of the relationships I have. I went out of my way to plan something to do with my estranged friendship group from middle school, and I am not too pleased with how it went. In Boston, I didn’t have many friends nor did I engage in many social activities. One of the reasons I wanted to return back to this area is so I could hang out with my friends and resume social activities again. Earlier this summer, I started putting a lot of energy into hanging out and doing things with and for my friends. But after these two-three years of me being away, I’ve realized that some of my friend groups/dynamics are not the same. Honestly, I feel like a big part of the reason why I started hanging out a lot with my friends is because since my love life is not going the way that I want it to, I want to keep people around me a lot to avoid feeling lonely, to mask the loneliness. But I want to shed those feelings and really take the time to get into myself. One of the reasons I delayed grad school was because I really wanted to take space for myself to develop myself (Develop myself spiritually, mentally--develop my fashion, my interests, my personality, knowledge). This has made me realize that I want and need to feel more comfortable being alone, which is another reason why I think living alone would be good for my personal growth. Additionally, even though things didn't work out the way I intended them to with my partner earlier this Spring, that situation has finally taught me, after 24 years of age (8 years of dating), how I deserve to be treated and what qualities I want in a partner. Given this, I think I need to now branch out and truly get comfortable with being alone. Over the last couple of years, I have struggled with being alone and I realized that I will go run to go hang out with people to avoid that feeling, or I will spend my time being alone and wishing I laid up with a nigga. I want to truly embrace the idea of just truly being alone, and being happy and content. 

Sometimes I experience a weird sadness about me not following through with my previous academic plans, which causes me to feel like im a funk. I went to research conference today where my peers who have continued with their academic plans were present, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge bit of sad that I didn't continue mine. This month would have been the month I would be starting my PhD program if everything had went as planned. Although I realized this was not right for me, I am still kind of bummed in a weird way about it. I worked exceedingly hard and invested a lot of time and energy into this goal, and now that things haven't gone as planned and I have seemingly abandoned my PhD dreams, I feel a weird sense of sadness about it. I may be still interested in research, but honestly, I am not sure. From doing the AEA program twice, witnessing the AEA Climate Survey, surviving the Harvard program, and reading Claudia’s blog post, I feel kind an overwhelming sense of jadedness by this whole thing-- and now I cannot seem to make up my mind about an exact alternative career path or graduate degree. All I know is that I would really like to have a concrete plan once this job is over, because I am not getting any younger and I want to have security when it comes to my career goals by the time I approach my mid thirties. 

Now that I have just written a list of reasons why I am in a funk because I am not where I wanna be, I want to take just as much time to reflect on all the reasons why I am proud of myself. I am very proud of myself for landing my current job opportunity. It took me over six months of applying to land my current position, and there was several times over the course of those months where I was bogged down with anxiety and self-doubt crept it! Literally the day I got the offer, I was laying in bed CRYING because it was April and my program was going to end in May and I hadn't secured a reasonable opportunity yet. My God is good, and he for sure came right on time. Of course, there are some days where my performance anxiety at work is on high, but  really in those moments need to take a step back and praise him for granting me the opportunity to get a job in my field, with a nice salary, with nice people and meaningful, clear growth opportunities. I am so grateful, and I need to acknowledge this more as well as congratulate myself for this. Even though things didn’t go as planned with the whole PhD thing, I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be in my life, and that is a beautiful thing. I am proud of where I am, and I know this opportunity will give me the tools to make the best career decision for me moving forward. I am claiming it now. Honestly, this is my first time since I graduated undergrad where I feel like I can breathe. 

I am also proud of myself for giving myself the space to develop ME for ME. There is so much other parts of life and myself that I want to explore, and now that I am no longer suffocated by the pressures of academia, I am excited to dive in ! I recently hired a trainer, and started my own business! Being in grad school is a huge educational investment that comes at a cost. The stress of that program didn't leave time for me to dedicate to other parts of my life, which I realized I did not like. My twenties are my formative years. So yeah, it does suck to have invested so much time in doing all those things to be a perfect PhD applicant and then to not even apply to PhD programs lol, but I am soo proud of myself for listening to my gut, taking a step out on faith and choosing a different direction! It wasn't an easy decision at first, but I am excited about where this side business will take me, and I am happy that this will be a chance for me to explore my artistic side more! I have always had this side to myself, but never fully dived into it because of the lack of time and resources. So I am proud of using this space and time to unlock a new side of myself. I also think there will be a lot of personal growth opportunities that will come from being a small business owner, which I have confidence I can tackle and that it will make me more mature, and help develop sounder financial practices ! :)

I am super proud of myself for taking charge of my health!!! My weight is something I have always struggled with since elementary school. I was never particularly fat, but I was never as skinny as people like my sister and my cousins. From a young age, I internalized a sense of being uncomfortable with my body, which has followed me into adulthood. However it wasn't until the later half of high school when I started to develop some health problems as a result of my poor diet and lifestyle habits. My period has been irregular since 2012-2013, which I am sure was triggered by the anxiety I faced from switching schools, eating predominantly restaurant food from working at Charlestown, and having a poor sleeping schedule. After four years or random, scattered periods, I got diagnosed with PCOS in 2016. In 2017 I turned 21. I started drinking alcohol a lot more, causing me that fall to weigh in at my biggest size ever--over 180 pounds. Since the middle of high school, my weight had always been in the 160-170s range. That spring, I was able to get serious about diet and exercise and shed some pounds due to my leave from school. However, over the past two years in the Harvard program, I have not been able to manage my weight properly, causing me to explode to the biggest size I have ever been--195.. And im not sure what’s going on with my hormone production now, but I know my gut is a hot mess. (This spring I just got diagnosed with IBS.) Since the pandemic started, I have tried to work out consistently and eat a balanced diet. However over the last five months I have not seen many changes in my body which has been disappointing. This week on impulse, I made the decision to hire a trainer-- this is going to be the first step towards making some serious lifestyle changes for me and I am excited to get into the best physical shape I have ever been in! Regardless of the number on the scale, I really want to do this for the improvement of my overall health. I want to develop a healthier relationship with food (stop binge eating/seeking food as comfort) and I also want to train myself to not only eat out of boredom, or because food is available. I know developing this habits will help me develop more discipline! Also, I think our bodies as humans are capable of so much, and I really want to treat my body good so I can get the best use out of it ! I want to learn how to swim, I want to build endurance and start running, I want to be able to sustain my own body weight, and become proficient at aerial yoga! Also, sometime in the future I want to have kids and before this happens I want to already be in shape and be in the position to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Being a mother is one of my biggest aspirations in my life ! I am hoping that this change to my lifestyle will support better hormonal health and regulate my menstrual cycle, which would actually help me get pregnant easier in the future. I am also tired of having all these stomach problems (indigestion, acid reflux, constipation, etc)--clearly something inside of me is inflamed and thats why I am having these issues. Overall, I am very proud of myself in taking these actions and I am excited to see how my body will look, how I will feel, and in what ways I can grow mentally and financially with my business ! 

One last reason why I am proud of myself is because I have been making small strides to become more money conscious. However, I know I can definitely improve in this area over the next couple of months, and it is important that I tackle this since I have my first real job, (plus a side business) and I want to live on my own. I have always struggled with managing my personal finances, so I am excited to learn tips and develop practices that will help me be smarter with my money. This is also very important to me because one day I would like to have a family, and I want to be able to provide for them. So it is important that I take the steps now to ensure that I am living below my means, and that I can set myself up to be financially comfortable and not cash strapped. 

I was inspired to write this post because I woke up one day in a sour mood about my current circumstances and the fact that I am seemingly not where I want to be and I felt down about it. But then I woke up the next day and realized how much I really had to be grateful for, and how proud I am of myself for all that I have accomplished throughout my life even with various obstacles I have encountered. God truly has favored me. Even through this crisis, God has found ways to bless me and I have taken actions to better myself. For that I am super thankful for. There are people that have lost their life and their livelihoods in 2020, but for some reason God still choose me to protect, and to take me to the next level. So I want to take this time to publicly thank him for all that he has done on the inside! Instead of focusing on the all the areas of my life that I am not too satisfied with, I vow to constantly cultivate a heart, mind and spirit full of gratitude and praise. 

Other short term goals I want to accomplish 

- Join a church home/integrate other practices into my life to develop my relationship with him in addition to keeping the prayer journal (reading the bible, starting a gratitude book)

- Take better care of my hair: be more consistent with protective styles, trims, and deep conditioning! 

- Read more books (I have watched too much TV this year lol) I especially want to read more books written by Black women and the experience of Black women!

-Try new hobbies (in addition to swimming, I want to go horseback riding, etc)

[wildewebdesign-blog]

My weight loss journey

 This was me at the beginning of my journey

December 2018 I decided to stand on the scales to see just how heavy I was, and my god I was horrified by the digits I saw! Thats when my love/hate relationship with the weighing scales took a turn for the better. I then decided that my new years resolution would be to lose some weight and get in to shape! So, on the 1st of January 2019 I did just that!

I started to eat healthier and make healthier choices at first but my mindset on food remained the same, which as we all know (for those that have a food addiction) is a real pain in the backside as we just hate wasting food or leaving leftovers. I mean being a few pounds away from twenty nine stone wasnt good for me, my health or my amazing wife who has supported me throughout my entire journey so far! The first step was to cut my portion size down bit by bit so it wasnt a drastic change, stop having takeaways and give myself one day of the week where I could eat something naughty to help curve the cravings for the rest of the week (didn’t go so well, ate like a pig on crap food!) So, I limited myself eventually but that bit comes later in my story! The first week I had lost almost half a stone and was feeling on top of the world! I never thought I could lose weight, as I always gave up after a month or so, this time however I was determined to stick it out. I had an appointment with the doctors, can’t remember what for but the results from a blood test showed I was ALMOST pre-diabetic, so even more important to shift the weight! By going along with most of the official Slimming World guidelines and rules (didn’t go to meetings, not my thing!) I found it easier at first, but figured out very quickly that it had its limitations as some things may work for others but not for me so, I made some tweaks to it, first off, its not a diet. Its a way of life! That bit is very important as if its a diet, you can quit at anytime, whereas if it is a part of daily life, you can’t!

After four months of eating healthier, being a little more active I had a follow up appointment with my GP who actually referred me to the gym, which to be fair I was a little anxious about, I mean the stigma around gyms is they are full of muscular, skinny people but, I found they weren't! Others like me doing their best to shed a few pounds. I will admit, I got addicted to the endorphins and the rush you get afterwards! Oh did I mention that before I started in the gym I had lost three and a half stone already?

Those of you that are on Slimming World and are buying SW chips, or par boiling homemade chips… DON’T DO IT! There is a better way! Handy trick for you, you can either peel them or keep the skin on, but slice your potatoes into chips, spray an oven tray with enough frylight to coat the tray, place the chips on, salt/pepper them and spray more frylight on top to make them crispy and place in the oven at 200 degrees Celsius for half an hour (depending on how you like them) and they are gorgeous! Healthy chips without all the faff!

  Ok so, I left off last time after mentioning about my first visit to the gym. This was a whole new area of the world I hadn’t previously explored and was completely clueless! I knew how to use the bike and the treadmill but that was it. The fitness instructor I was assigned to was very inviting and kind, and always paid me compliments which helped boost my confidence whilst in the gym. I started on the TRX, bike, treadmill and squats to start with so, basically all cardio. Which I found relaxing to be fair. It got me into a routine, which I highly recommend for weight loss! Routine is one of the main things that has helped me get this far! Food routine and daily routine. After all, your body stores fat when you have irregular eating patterns as it doesn't know when it will be fed next. Sorry I digressed a little there.

 I found that once I am in the gym, headphones in and my favourite music playing I was in the zone, where I could push myself each week to work harder, do more and improve the statistics on my account to show myself I am capable of doing it. At this point I was only attending the gym twice per week. I did this for six months and had lost a total of six and a half stone at this point. I even lost weight over Christmas!

 Things changed in May 2020 thanks to the Corona Virus pandemic, where all the gyms, swimming pools etc all closed, so this is where I had to get creative to continue the weight loss and not just sit at home eating crap because I was stuck inside. So I headed over to Youtube and found one or two easy workout videos which I did every day, I was seeing great results! Losing more than I did whilst in the gym and feeling more energetic. I moved on to the video I still use every day today, Emi Wong 30 minute minute HIIT workout with no jumping. Not quite beginner but still a great workout, it has helped me get to the point where at this moment in time (04/06/2020) I am a pound away from a nine and a half stone loss! This is the part of my story where I can share some of the tricks I have used in order to get this far. Most of which are easy enough to do, but some will require self control and a great mental attitude!

 This is me now, weighing 19.2 stone! 

  1) Routine, as mentioned above this helps you to stay the course and also allows you more freedom if that makes any sense?

2) Drink plenty of water, this in turn helps the skin retain its elasticity which helps your skin bounce back instead of having saggy, loose skin afterwards.

 3) Eating meals which are healthy, but can be made exciting using herbs and spices to spruce them up a little, you can still have whatever you want but portion control is a must. I still eat sausages but they are Linda McCartney vegetarian sausages.

 4) Keep active, says it all really. No explanation needed.

 5) Change the way you think about food. Before I started this journey I LOVED pizza and now everytime I think about eating a slice I feel physically sick!

 6) Three square meals a day at regular times, for example everyday I have two weetabix, blueberries, grapes, raspberries and strawberries for breakfast. Then I have lettuce, cucumber, cheese and ham sandwiches for dinner and for the main meal I tend to go for gammon (fat removed), broccoli and the chips I mentioned above. I don’t get hungry during the day doing this, so im not liable to eat more than I should.

 7) Don’t be afraid to ask for help! People that want to see you in the best shape of your life are more than willing to help! NEVER be ashamed or afraid if you get tempted or have cheated by eating something you shouldn't have, we all do it! At the end of the day its your body, your choices and your life!

  So that is my story so far. Any questions? Want somewhere to start yourself? Feel free to comment below and I will answer when I can as my wife and I run two small businesses. One is a website design business called www.wildewebdesign.co.uk and the other is a craft business called www.wildeaboutcrafts.co.uk feel free to take a look :)