#and im not allowed to take home vaccinations and do it myself so

[halinski]

.

[fairycosmos]

I’m sorry I’m telling you, a stranger on the internet but I feel like my head will explode if I don’t so here you go:

So I’ve had covid for over a week, but my tests keep being positive (pale, but definitely positive). I still live with my mum and I just told her sorry mum I can’t go to work today, I’m still positive. She wanted to see the test and immediately made it seem like I’m trying to stay at home for my own benefit and because I’m lazy. It’s true, technically I would be allowed to go outside with a positive test after 5 days, but I think that’d be extremely irresponsible, because I work with small children and a lot of them aren’t vaccinated.

I know this technically isn’t a big deal but I hate that inherent shame that goes with being sick. My mums work ethics are very toxic, she would probably work until she collapses rather than take a sick day off. Every time I’m sick I have to justify myself and it messes with my head. The other day I went to work feeling a little sick because my mum said it’s not that bad and I returned with a 40 degree fever and had to stay in bed for literally three weeks.

I’m sorry for just dumping this on you when you don’t even know me, I just had to get my thoughts out somehow. Hope you’re having a lovely day!!!

hi im sorry ur going through that, i'd be crawling the walls with frustration. it's a big deal if you feel like it is, no worries there. respectfully your mam sounds like a capitalist weirdo with no common sense or empathetic thought present in her mindset LOL you should rest easy knowing you are absolutely doing the right thing. of course it's totally understandable to be hurt by her lack of support and emotional intelligence, but trying to understand ppl who think that way is honestly like talking to a brick wall.

better to try and seek that assurance in yourself, honestly, even if that's a skill you have to keep practicing over and over in order to achieve. anyway, about your mam, it just seems like conditioning. her self worth has always been tied to her productivity, and now she's projecting that onto you, but her perspective only ever reflects her at the end of the day. you could kill someone going out the house covid positive, or make yourself seriously ill, and to her it'd still be worth it because that'd make you a good little worker or whatever the fuck. it makes no sense, so no wonder you don't get it. thank god you don't LOL thank god you have a semblance of compassion for yourself and others. rest up and get well soon!! i won't say don't internalise her words because i know after a lifetime of hearing it it's not that easy, but i hope you can at least consider other narratives that don't involve self shaming, because you have quite literally done nothing wrong here. thank u <3 sending u a hug, soup, warm blankets etc. x

[flyingcookierambles]

rant ig

in recent news last week on wednesday my idiot sister and her borderline anti-vax boyfriend got covid and now my mom is getting sick and we’re worried that it’s covid instead of a normal seasonal cold or mild allergy and im just hgioehgaoieh i hate it here no matter what i do to keep myself safe the issue is coming from within the house in my case my sister and her boyfriend stayed had dinner and stayed overnight 2 fridays ago ughghghgh i hate this i hate her literal deadly trash taste in men ghroeahgorehgreog i have asthema my mom has diabetes the idiot trash taste sister also has asthema and a lot of people in my family are 50-60+ year old boomers with various health issues from hard manual labor all their lives as blue collar workers plus my 84 year old grandma ghrueagihreuoghreaoghreio gheriogheovhdfovhav hgorehgaoeh agho plus we’ve started inviting my maternal grandma and her sister to our family parties and they’re like 70-ish or so and my grandma’s sister is only here now bc her husband literally died of covid bc some idiot step-uncle that i’ve never met apparently went to thanksgiving last year without being vaccinated and gave the entire family covid and killed his uncle im just hr igohreaoihraeioghaeoighraioheog ifoahgoheg i hate it here we’ve kicked my sister out to be with her boyfriend bc of the sickness but they were still here in my house i hate it i hate it so much plus the idiot borderline anti-vaxxer boyfriend is a carpenter and he insists on going to work going into people’s homes and businesses while getting angry at the mere suggestion of wearing a mask or doing an at home test and then whenever my sister talks on the phone with my mom she said that her boyfriend said that “she really ought to go back to work even though she’s sick” (puzzlingly her employers also agree despite it being a private nanny job for rich people on the rich side of town watching literally babies (2 kids under 4 years old, idk if they’re even old enough for a ovid shot) plus the employer’s mom died of covid just a few months ago wtf???) and that “my boyfriend’s coworkers all agree that we’re just overreacting about covid “and im just like yeah duh they’re all also constuction workers/carpenters probably who believe in some weird libteratiarn toxic masculinity where other peoples’ lives dont matter to them and grejaigerioaehoe hrgoaho ghreoag seriously im so sick and tired of thes i wish all stupid anti-vaccers a very get polio measles tuberculosis and die if you want to so so so badly bc youre a fragile little snowflake who either thinks that your “special macho dna will out-manliness literal bacteria” or “bill gates is putting microchips in our bodies for the (insert some most likely anti-semitic conspiracy theory about robot lizard alien overlords living in the sewers of atlantis)” and leave the rest of us reasonable folk who listen to science and doctors alone

in other news if i somehow get covid at least my steam deck came in + im literally working my temp office job + my retail job, so i can have an excuse for a break from my 7 days a week, 45-50 hours work that allowed me to afford a steam deck in the first place + we have an excuse to not go to the cousin that we don’t like’s wedding next weekend in ohio so gihiroeahgeorihgoe eh :/

im so tired

when the idiots stayed over it was in my sisters’ childhood room that shares a cold air vent with my mom’s room next door

ughghghghghghghg if we don’t get it at this point its a miracle

like 3/4 of all covid scares that happened to my family so far have been from my sister’s dumb libertarian anti-vaxxer/anti-covid boyfriends im just like kick her out of the house go away i cant take it anymore

if i have to call off work i want my sister to pay for my doctor’s appointment to get my inhaler prescription, my inhaler, and all the days i have to call off work, i would never get this normally, ive literally worn a mask all this time since like 2020 march when going to work even now i am the only one both my work places that consistently wears one and with this scare im eating outside in the cold windy autumn at the picnic tables for the smokers bc i dont want to be *that guy* who infects the entire office

ughghghghghgh i hate it here

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

every day it’s a gettin closer (the end of my break that will mean i again have to go into a little building 5 days a week with hundreds of other people and be forced to wait for covid to rampage through and pray desperately that they allow us to go virtual soon) (don’t rb)

[madfantasy]

I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕

You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..

I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..

I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?

Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..

Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw

I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.

Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country

I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.

I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani

They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.

But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that

I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..

Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry

One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make

Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..

But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe

At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day

Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier

...

I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh

I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry

So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow

'till then my precious dears, take care 💛🙏

26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping

[420pogpills]

feel free not to answer bc it'll be a bit negative!

but I've seen a lot of ppl saying oh you were annoyed at karl for his meet ups but excited for potential irl george content. and I just think it's hard to compare these situations???

because from what I've seen many ppl aren't taking into consideration the differing covid conditions in the us vs the uk. to my knowledge (im not from the uk), it seems like the restrictions are lessening and the conditions there are getting better. whereas in the us, there were spikes in cases nationwide around spring break, and certain states have not seen any improvement in cases.

I work in health care, so I personally don't condone unnecessary in person meet ups. but also I'm in the us and can't really comment on how safe/unsafe things are in other countries. plus, george and tommy haven't even met up yet! so it's all just speculation and it doesn't have to be an issue yet.

I guess tldr the us and the uk are two different countries and you can't always make direct companions

the difference with the uk i would say is that it is much much smaller than the usa. so in the uk you can travel anywhere by car, you don’t really have to fly or get a train or anything, and i know tommy has been travelling everywhere by car with either his parents or older friends who can drive. travelling by car greatly minimises contact with people! :) you can essentially get to and from a city without contacting anyone at all, except the people you were intending to meet. you are allowed to meet with people in groups of 6 or 2 diff households, you just have to be responsible by wearing a mask and stuff.

we’ve also got more than half the country who have received at least the 1st dose of the vaccine (it’s difficult due to demand, so i’ve got friends my age who have already received their 2nd dose and i myself haven’t even managed to get the 1st one yet lmao but the plan is for it to happen in the next few months) and because we’ve had non-essential retail and restaurants and pubs and clubs and everything actually closed, people have actually been staying home, or just meeting up outdoors. 

right now we’re about 30% down in positive cases compared to last week, so the numbers are dropping very steadily. we recorded days with 0 deaths last week, which is amazing too. there’s around a million tests done every day, and they’re rolling out the moderna vaccine now too which will hopefully speed up vaccine rates

with things starting to open now, hopefully people will continue to behave responsibly. whenever i’ve been going out to do a food shop, i always see 95%+ wearing masks (some rare exceptions of either idiots or people who people who are exempt). people are tired of this pandemic now, so they are putting in genuine effort to follow the guidelines and things so we can get some sense of normalcy :’) 

so yeah i think main difference is the size, it’s a bit easier to be a lot more responsible in the uk than it is the usa i think :’) so yeah that’s why i’m not as worried. especially knowing george who never leaves his house, he hardly ever has contact with people so i know if he does meet tommy, he’s gonna be v careful with it!

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Okay a rant time because i need to vent im in a really shitty place rn and i absolutly need to get this off my chest!

A massive kick in the teeth 🥺🥺 Boris Johnson announces that we can all begin to sit outside from march the 8th great! Im superhappy. Yet the day after I get a letter telling me as im a sheilder im no longer allowed to even do my shopping in the supermarket, one of the few freedoms i had!

And im still to remain inside my house untill atleast the 31st of march at the very least! They said theyd send me a letter mid march the let me know how long i STILL have to stay in my home! Even though everyone else is beginning to go back to normal!

AND?! THE FUCKING BEST BIT!? WHETHER IVE HAD BOTH VACCINES OR NONE IF HE SAYS SHEILDING IS BACK I HAVE TO SHEILD REGARDLESS OF MY VACCINE STATUS!? So if i have both vaccines and in august he says you need to shield i have to lock myself away again even if I'm fully vaccinated.

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT ANYMORE? Seriously one year and nineteen days! I have only left my home to do shopping and go to the doctors. Now i can't even do that, seriously this whole thing has fucked me up mentally, i dry heave just at the thought of leaving my house now even to go and take the bin out. I've had enough, and all anyone seems to be talking about is how good it'll be when we can all go out, no one seems to know we sheilders are being told a completly different thing, we are being isolated for atleast another month at least.

I do not want to be here anymore! I really really dont. I understand the risks but i was told once im vaccinated i will be able to go out a little and that hope has now been taken away.

To the uk government fuck you! Fuck you very much, being in lockdown for two months is fuck all to being in it for a full fucking year, I've missed out on a full year of my life! I have not seen my brothers, sister, nieces, nephews, freinds relatives NO ONE! The only physical contact ive had is with my mum. For a year one other human! And you have no idea what its like!

There is an end in sight for everyone apart from the disabled and people with health conditions and its becoming clear that no one wants us back in society!

[jackalopefreckles]

I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

[gcldenchild]

im gonna be real with you guys i haven’t had fun these past three weeks. between the shit with college, nearly having a meltdown twice on the SAME DAY i got my second dose of the vaccine, getting sick for almost three days straight because of said second dose, and multiple shitty mental health days following it (including today) paired with the pressure of applying for jobs by my dad since im gonna take a gap year, i’ve been doing terribly. (this isn’t long, just hidden under a readmore for comfort.)

playing g.enshin daily and catching up on shit on that account i have (finally did the ar 35 quest and jumped to ar 41, its been a trip) for it has been making me feel stable but only by a little bit. there’s a lot of things going on and i had a lot of realizations about myself and how i’ve had certain freedoms stripped from me in different places i considered online homes and honestly? right now i only feel 100% safe and comfortable with the friendgroup i became a part of here, not the ones i’ve been with for years. 

and quite frankly i hate that i’m feeling that way because holy shit are my other friendgroups just as ride or die as i am. feeling shitty about them is something that i’m trying to work on since realizing it today because of the fact my hell brain doesn’t think it’s allowed to feel shitty about people i like. 

i’ve really been trying to do other posts for sol/goldie this past week but turn after turn i just get slammed with something out of nowhere or my energy drops for no good reason. i’m teetering between a really terrible meltdown and stability and HAVE BEEN ever since mother’s day. i absolutely despise it because i haven’t HAD a meltdown in almost two-to-three years now. 

i won’t go super into detail about things like i have with certain people, just know that my adhd is REALLY kicking me in the ass lately. i know there’s been a lot of ooc lately but i always have this need to explain myself even though i’m small and little periods of writer inactivity are understandable. ‘explain to avoid getting yelled at,’ i guess. a lot of my worse habits like that are coming into presence lately.

i just wanna feel better. that’s not so much to ask, right ??  so why is it so damn hard?

this shit just sucks.

[selfcareparker]

hi bae <3 reading that last ask i’m realizing i have no grammar? lmao

glad university is funnnn, when you said linguistics i was like 🤨 but then i googled it and it does sound interesting lmao

the too much free time part though... :( its like you expected to be thrown in and like WOO BUSY and WOO purpose (purpose may be going too far lol) but i totally get what you’re saying. ESPECIALLY when you expect to be busier and you’re not it’s like :/ ok. (& girlllll it’s fine to complain, it’s how ur feeling)

and bc of covid you have eVEN LESS STUFF TO DO, which sucks. the social part may help? even just a little bit, but maybe having some socialization.. it could be somewhat uplifting? idk gsjshsj

where i live the vaccine is for 16 and up right now but for the younger kids (12-15) it hasn’t been ✨FDA approved✨ yet so my brother is still waiting for his 🤠

okay really quick, how does drivers license work there? here you learn to drive at 16 and you can like actually drive (sometimes even alone in the car) by 17... (also burneks?)

YAYYYY GIRLLL i remember you telling me about how you haven’t seen your family in England in such a long time 🥺🥺🥺 i really hope you get to see them soon!!!! and that covid eases up so you can see them frequently again 🥺🥺🤍

i’m gonna tattoo that to my forehead “not being friends with your parents is unhealthy” EXACTLY!! the people saying that stuff are usually not close to their parents so 👀

i’ve been really busy (unfortunately imo lol) with my dance recital coming up and this singing group (which i don’t like at all) and my final tests bc of school i’m EEK but it’s a good eek i think? maybe? idk lolll, i can’t wait for everything to be over though so i can CHILL. after school however i have a missions trip in north carolina? don’t quote me on that, but yeah 🥰 i’m really excited about it bc i’ll be without my family (like on my own :)) and it’s this whole thing and i’ll get to know people and i’m gonna buy a new bathing suit that makes me look gooooood cuz i’m tryna cop a boyfriend while i’m there HAHAHAH but besides that... more acting and singing camps probably? most likely a summer job.. i don’t have any plans reallyyy set in stone but ya know (ACTUAL i do have a few things planned. but those are things i don’t want to do. so i will be ignoring them <3)

that was a long ass paragraph- but PLEASE UR RESPONSE WAS FINEEE & i love you 💓💓💖💞💘💓💞💕 literally watch me buy a ticket to germany rn

- lovely anon (or catherine? i feel that lovely anon is iconic now tho so. kinda like how i call you aria in my head not your real name lol ALSO I PROMISE IM GONNA RESPOND TO THAT REALLY SOON, it’s just really busy rn) <3

what’s wrong with tumblr i just saw this a minute ago 🥲🥲🥲🥲 they don’t want to see us together ✋🏼 but fuck them 💘

Whaksk wait wdym by you have no grammar? 😭😭hejsjs

Honestly I’m so surprised that I’m enjoying linguistics but i think since i speak english and german i’ve just always been interested in language and esp english since it’s just my second language so i was forced to learn more about the language than just words and grammar, because it’s such a big part of me and also i didn’t always have a british accent so i kind of had to... develop a british accent, and it was natural but also kind of wasn’t??? Anyway why was this one sentence like 17 lines i’m sorry

YES OMG EXACTLY and obviously i’m missing out on the whole uni experience i mean I’m introverted anyway but i don’t mind going to a party every now and then? but i haven’t talked to a single person from my uni (except in class when we had to analyse a poem or something— okay technically some of my friends go to the same uni as me but they’re all studying other stuff)

But yeah I’ll definitely try to meet my friends more often 🥺 but we all have really different schedules rn so it’s really hard to find days where we both/all are free and not too tired and yeahssjsksj but i mean.... i can pay 50% of your ticket to germany? and then we can hang out? 🥰

I think everyone over 18 can get their vaccine from Monday on so I’ll try to call (okay, my mum will call sisjsh) and see if i can get an appointment. but i think everything will be super full because previously only people over... 50?or 60? or people with like illnesses could get it and now everyone over 18 can get it??? Like that’s a lot of people who can suddenly get the vaccine sksjjs but at the same time they’re getting quicker with it (i think today over 1 million people got the vaccine???? Like i know the US probably gets wayyy more people done so idk if that sounds like nothing to you but obviously Germany is much smaller so to me that sounds like a lot???) and also one of my father’s friend’s wife (djdkdj) works at a hospital or something? And she said she’ll ask if I can get it done there so yeah 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Isksmsjjs it took me so long to figure out what burneks was, i googled it (very weird results?) and then i realised i made a typo.... yeah no idea what i was trying to say lol

So in Germany (as far as I’m aware) you can start at 17 and you can’t have your test before you’re 17 years and 6 months old (idk why) and then you’re not allowed to drive alone until you’re 18 and then you still have two years on probation(is that what it’s called?) and you’re not allowed to drink a single sip of alcohol before you’re 21 (and drive) (cause in germany you’re allowed to drink when you’re 14 (if your parents are with you and allow it), then when you’re 16 you can buy beer and wine, and when you’re 18 you can buy everything. But you’re not allowed to drink and drive (even if it’s just 0.01 promille) until you’re 21)

(Okay I just googled and I don’t think you say pro mille/per mille in english sksjsjs but like the percent (or something...) of alcohol you have in your blood (idk biology sorry) (not that you asked about drinking and driving anyway? 😭 but there you go lmaoo)

Also idk if that’s just a UK thing or you also have it in the US? But all of my relatives from England keep asking me how often I’m driving with my parents (for practice)... and in Germany that’s.... not allowed? Like in england you can get these L (Learner) plates that you can stick on the back of your car and then you can drive anytime with your parents, but in germany you can only drive with your driving instructor during a paid for and legally organised driving lesson so. Kksskaj

Yess, the good thing now is that i can go to england anytime? Because Uni is all online anyway so it’s not like i have to wait until the holidays to see my family, i really hope i’ll see them soon🥺 it was my nana’s bday today and my grandad’s a few weeks ago so i’m painting two pictures for them tomorrow and sending them as a (late) gift next week 😌 (i’ll do like an impressionist ✨field of flowers✨ (that sounds awful sksjsjsj for reference i’ll look something like this: (it’s not mine i just found it on the internet while i was looking for some inspiration

for my nana, and something with a waterfall for my grandad) (looking at it now i don’t even think that’s impressionism? Idfk i had art as my subject for my a levels (like one of my final exams) and i actually got an A 👀 but it was mainly architecture and i don’t even remember that so

Ahhh I hope it’s a good eek!! Sksjj hopefully you’ll be done with everything soon and i already know you’re gonna do really good in all of your tests😌 but still: good luck ❤️❤️❤️

Idk if it’s actually cool? But North Carolina sounds so cool to me (but honestly you could have said any state and i’d think it’s cool sksksskm) And girl I still think it’s so amazing that you just sing and dance and act and omg ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

(I’m imagining us in a montage (?) like they always have in films while we’re shopping to get you a hot bathing suit😌😌 and then they always come home with like 6 shopping bags in the movies—)

This is gonna sound so dumb because who tf wants to work? But I’ve always wanted a summer job 🥲 like nothing too exhausting obviously but i’ve never earned any money by myself? I haven’t had a single job in my life (not that I’m that old and like only one of my friends has worked in her life like we’re young sksjsj) and yeah i think it would be really cool to have a summer job and earn some money 😌 but during the summer holidays (they’re only 6 weeks in germany) we’d always go to england for at least two weeks and then we’d drive to bosnia to see my dad’s family for a few days and then to croatia and then to Bosnia again sksksksms so i never had time for a summer job (obviously i’m aware that it’s a fucking privilege that i’ve never had to work and that i get to go to multiple countries during the holidays but yeah)

WHY DO I TALK SO MUCH AUSSKKSSM

Like I said I’ll pay 50% of your ticket 😌 i’ll be here stuck at home anyway, just let me know when you’re coming so i can come pick you up😌 (this emoji djskksks— but i mean it fits so i’ll use it as often as i can 😌)

Lovely anon IS iconic 😌✨ but Catherine is more than okay too🥰 so just say whatever you prefer ❤️

(And omg you never have to apologise for responding to my long ass, full-of-mistakes responses late sksjs take your time (i mean i wouldn’t be mad if you just didn’t respond to some of them i talk too much anyway <3333)

[gdreamzseternal]

I’d like to thank

@myradfemblog for finding an extremely old porn blog of mine. I forgot it existed and it actually makes me sick to see that I was role playing such sick disgusting trauma that I went through thinking it would help when it made me so much worse. Thank you for abusing me over something I repeatedly asked you to give me the link to because I wasn’t going to go through your slander about me to find it.

I want to also say thanks because you pointing that out and me seeing that made me cry both from being triggered and realizing how far I’ve come. That I am extremely kink critical now. When I used to be heavily into it. That I don’t whore myself out anymore because “sex work makes me strong”. God I used to genuinely believe that. Makes me sick. I was so so sick. I was still victimizing myself back then...

But now.. I am a survivor.

Everyone advocated for and ignored the dangers of extreme methods of “beat the child into submission”. (Looking at you old people) It’s so sad cause I still see it now. The way a person who I had a normal discussion with suddenly gets to violently abuse me and degrade me just because they didn’t like what I had to say. Sounds like abusive parents. Everything’s cool til it’s not.

My dad beat my ass cause at 9 years old because I looked him in the eyes and told him to stop drinking cause he was being mean. Telling the truth got me abused. Look at that what a surprise.

Humans communicate differently than other creatures on the planet. Does that mean the other creatures don’t communicate? No. That just means they do things different. They don’t need vaccines because they were meant to survive and live here. If humans didn’t have their science we would all be dead! We are in a race with the planet to see who can kill who first. Will we kill the planet (which kills us too idiots) or will the planet eradicate us via disease and natural disasters and heal itself and start over (we still dead). Or do we chill on our population and help the earth heal by bein more considerate of our surroundings. Yeah none of you like me because I say it how it is without thinking about how it will affect any of you. So that means you get to abuse me. I’m not hurting anyone by simply sharing my views. Yet I am being hurt for speaking my views. I’m not actively slitting the throats of disabled people. I’m not saying we have to round up the retards that already exist and just shoot them. They should just be left in their natural form. Yeah give artificial limbs out cause that’s science but giving a nasty fat fuck a wheel chair cause boohoo they can’t loose weight? Nah true waste of resources. I’m saying we use the science that is our only advantage to prevent that from ever happening again.

All I’m doing is talking on MY BLOG. & I get death threats and told I should be raped by my father all over again. Simply for sharing my feelings on what will 1000000% save the greater good. It doesn’t even have to be permanent. Imagine if every grown man had to get a vasectomy for the next 20 years til all the excited potential parents get throughly processed to see if they are psychologically, psychically, financially and home stable to have children. Then there is a massive database of all the adorable kids waiting to find homes and they get to meet and have a 30 day period where THE CHILD decides if they like their new potential parents. Every couple/person wanting to adopt can adopt up to 2 kids and the kids get a say too.

Humans are not special and I don’t care if you disagree with me. Yet for some reason we literally act like gods gift (complete pun intended) That think who fucking cares what we do to everything around us including ourselves because this is OUR EARTH. We can do what WE WANT. Blah blah blah. Then the WHITE MEN put control on EVERYONE. Then slowly we colored folk said fuck you and made our own lives cause who gives a flying fuck about someone’s skin color except for white people. Then the humans just started literally takin over. Who cares if a bunch of birds nests lived in this tree? I want my new condo that I spend 2-3 months a year in right fucking here so the homes of those birds don’t matter. Let’s massively hunt these animals into extinction for our pleasure. (Okay Hitlers)

We are selfish

I wasn’t raised like you. I wasn’t raised by anyone but my own fucking brain. I never had any positive influences but the voices in my head. We see the world for what it is and not the false reality im creating for myself. I won’t even say ‘most’ if you were raised right because even today in 2019 the system and adults hide the abuse and damage that is really happening. Clearly this whole system isn’t working.

I was raised that literally everything in the whole world was both good and bad. So I learned to be objective and unbiased. Your feelings are what get you killed. Ask any dead kid who didn’t speak up about their abusive parents. And any bleeding out gangbanger who got felt offended by a color and killed someone over it. Someone who felt the desire to get high cause they have no self control and killed some to get $$. But it wasn’t them because even though they felt the need to do the drugs it wasn’t their fault.

So why are we going to keep adding more and more children to the solution when we don’t even know what to do with the poor innocent souls that we have now? We just pretend it’s not that big a deal and keep adding feul (the kids) to the fire (the shitty system). CLEARLY you all know there’s a problem and nothing any of you are doing is working.

So when do we take extreme measures? When do we ACTUALLY make a change. We have nuclear bombs hell ANY bomb and those are okay “when absolutely necessary” but allowing people to have kids they can’t afford, can’t raise, got raped into them, got one night standed with, can’t handle. A BOMB AFFECTS HUMANS AND THE ENVIRONMENT NEGATIVELY. Humans getting neutered (since that’s what you call it for other creatures) will effect the world positively. The bombs are okay though? We can MASS destroy life but we can’t mass PREVENT it from having to be destroyed or emotionally ruined in the first place? Not forever just til we get our shit together.

The abominations and retards. That’s EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE that’s why no one likes when you mention it. They are like the endless elephant in the room. I will die by the quote, “A few bad apples ruins the whole barrel”. We think that it’s perfectly okay to keep adding bad genes to our makeup while simultaneously praying we live forever. It’s so tiresomely contradicting.

If you can all make such a fucking effort for these retard abominations that you breed. Then you can STOP breeding COMPLETELY until you give the kids homes that need them. Those kids will be more likely to become doctors getting adopted out to good homes. Then if they get left to rot in a shitty system while they walk in a grocery store with their mean foster mom and see a happy young couple PREGNANT with their first child when they could have adopted him. If you choose to give birth instead of adopting then you might as well walk up to a kid in a foster/group home and tell them they are garbage and ain’t ever going anywhere.

I still haven’t had my question answered... why does ANY HUMAN ON THIS ENTIRE PLANET need to breed when there are already so many homeless children?

So what is it are we going to stop breeding and adopt all the kids out to good homes that have been more throughly evaluated than a simple background check and having enough beds and money?

Are we going to keep creating a whole brand new system for the retards when the perfectly able children who would flourish with good parents system is still completely fucked?

Giving whole TV shows to literal human abominations for entertainment. Or humans that are forced to overbreed or sickly do it “for religious reasons”. You get to see how much their disability/struggles makes their life so hard but they are so ~brave and strong~ because society would rather force conjoined twins to spend their lives together or die trying to separate because human euthanasia is wrong until a human kills another human???????

Where does that make sense.

We are going to keep worrying more about the dysfunctional, malfunctioned, rejects of our society before the regular ones? We are going to keep following fake gods we have no proof of so that we don’t have to accept the realities of human nature.

Are we going to not do anything and ignore all the clear issues and keep adding more kids?

The same can be said about the immigrant shit in America. We have so many problems we don’t need anymore people and this place is fucked why would you wanna come here anyway? (I digress on this)

Are we going to keep throwing children out like trash in hopes that someone else will raise the busted nut you let fester in your womb?

Like out of those which one of these which one is the best option? Because all but one are things we are already doing and it isn’t working.

So hate me for being unbiased. But as my therapist (yes I discuss this with BOTH my Ts to make sure I am not delusional) put it. I am not looking at it for the benefit of humans. I’m looking at the benefit of the earth as a whole. I don’t want humans to all die off. But if it’s what it has to take in order for this planet to survive then so be it. There are so many other species, creatures, life on this Planet.

To put it simply you’re all simpleminded.

There is no god because Humans seem to think they are god. & we can breed, have our technology, have our vaccines. But as long as we are still over breeding and not adequately using our resources....

The Human Rights we are fighting for will not matter if there is nothing for the humans to live on.

This Earth is our home and there are too many of us right now. Too many of us doing too many wrong things.

Focus on the Human Wrongs then there will be no need for Human Rights because they will realize they are all just another species on this glorious and beautiful earth.

I know none of you were take anything from this.

You all were taught one way or you think one way and that is it there can’t be any other way and anyone else who thinks differently than that is wrong but at the end of the day my ideas are what will save humanity your ideas are what will destroy it. Your safe space will be irrelevant if you have no where to put it.

A human’s need to add feeling and emotion to everything is our biggest flaw.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk Typing Podcast

[coalessscence]

one of my favorite worst things to Think About are the ways herb’s casually neglectful childhood sometimes just....surfaces in the every day world of his life now. and since his whole shtick is my childhood was perfect my father is basically god and i have absolutely no parent issues idk what ur talking abt, he winds up having to flail, having to learn on the way down, and try to keep up a cover that he knew all along. which, usually, doesn’t work, and just makes it all the more sad. here’s a few examples i’ve thought of because i don’t love myself:

someone around the station gets stuck with something metal and comments they might need a tetanus shot. herb was definitely never taken to the doctor’s for a checkup and regular vaccinations as a child, and since he works daytime hours lucille takes the kids while he’s at work, so he literally has never had a shot and he doesn’t fully understand what vaccines are, aside from cultural osmosis, so he asks in telling confusion, “what’s that supposed to mean?” @piper-aileen-lenox specifically, thnx for making me think of this and ruining my life xx

when herb and lucille moved in together (i imagine they were engaged but maybe not married just yet) lucille made it clear to her rather sexist fiance that she was expecting him to tow the line around the house just as much as her, which he agreed to, except when she asked him to do the grocery shopping thinking that was a harmless thing he could do (not like she’d trust him to actually get the dishes clean or fold her clothes so they don’t wrinkle). they almost never had food consistently in the house growing up and if they did eat full meals, they only had the food for THAT MEAL around because 1. herb sr. and ruby (herb’s parents) lived an erratic lifestyle of little to no money or a whole lot of money but only for a second because it was burning a hole in herb sr.’s pocket, and because 2. ruby quickly learned spending money on food ahead was pointless because either herb sr. hecked off somewhere w/o warning and it went bad, or his deadbeat friends hung around and ate it all, so she only bought for that day if they had the money for anything. but since no one was ever around to TEACH herb anything and he figured most things out on his own, herb doesn’t understand all this and he literally thinks you’re not supposed to by food until you run out or that you have to throw out whatever you have left at the end of the week because....... who knows ???? that’s just what he thought. it caused multiple arguments early into herb and lucille’s relationship before she figured it out and explained it to him because he didn’t know well enough to ask.

when herb and lucille’s first child, bunny, was born, he had to be shown how to hold a baby by the doctor. he had literally never held or even interacted with a baby before until that moment. he had no siblings (that he knew of), he had no friends as a child because if he wasn’t the bully he was the target and he was an ass just like dear old dad so no one liked him anyway, and he had 0 other family. lucille realized in that moment as she watched his palpable confusion when she extended their newborn child to him that he was going to have a lot of learning and growing to do. she hoped he was ready for it.

god that time there was a station fam barbecue early into herb’s wkrp career and someone, maybe mr. carlson, is like ‘WHO WANTS TO BE THE GRILL MASTER’ like its a big deal and everyone is like oh it has to be herb bc he’s the newest out of us and hes aware all the men see it as a status symbol and he CAN’T be less of a man than another man bc Ego (tm) so hes like of course im the grill master !!! and then panics for the next thirty minutes because he’s literally never even stood next to a grill let alone used one HOW DOES IT WORK the first fifteen minutes he doesnt even have the gas on rip

when herb was, like, 15, he taught himself how to drive a car because one of his “friends” (peers who was a bully that he called a friend and hung out with to stop also getting bullied but who was still bullying him anyway, herb was just brainwashed into thinking that’s what friendship is) wanted them to go out cruising and herb wanted to be a Cool Guy and not look like a chump so he lied and said he could drive. they got pulled over, because of course they did, and herb got in big trouble for you know, driving w/o a licences. the kicker though is that herb didn’t fucking know you can’t drive without a license or that licenses and road tests and drivers ed were even a THING because he literally raised himself and no one ever  t a u g h t   h i m   a n y t h i n g. anyways his dad got called home to deal with it from wherever he was away at at the time and he got in big trouble for interrupting dear old dad’s work anyways so :) what a healthy family

surprisingly, herb DID know how to cook the basics. grilled cheese, pasta, stir fries, a couple casseroles. lucille asked him about it because he was always such a Gender Roles (tm) type of man who wouldn’t even wear a brighter shade of red than like. maroon. in case it got loosely contaminated with the concept of the color pink and he’d have to change his name and move to alaska. so why was he doing a “ womans job “ (cooking) and herb just looked confused and said “what, guys don’t cook?” she told him that no, they usually didn’t and would have laughed at her if she tried to make them, and he laughed awkwardly and absently stirred the pot on the stove and shrugged in mild confusion. “that’s weird. if i didn’t cook i’d have... starved, i guess.”

the bad news is his cooking wasnt GREAT and lucille was happy to take over because again.........self taught. and he has one (1) brain cell so. not Great

LITERALLY DIDN’T KNOW ALL CLOTHES DON’T HAVE TO BE DRY CLEANED. his dad literally wore clothes that had to be dry cleaned Every Day (and we wonder why the tarlek family was short on the food budget god) (and they were ugly clothes too akdhfjfg) and ofc if ruby washed her clothes, it was while herb was at school. he dry cleaned so many clothes that do Not Make Sense to dry clean in college before he slowly figured that out.

did not know what an allowance was. bunny asked him for one and not willing to seem stupid to his swift daughter he told her to ‘ask her mother’, who thought it was hecking weird that her money obsessed husband would say that, so she asked him why and after several long minutes he just shrugged helplessly and said “what’s an allowance?”

don’t even get me started on herb and lucille planning their wedding ( ‘what kind of stuff should we put on the gift register?’ “put on the WHAT?”  ‘what are we going to put on top of the cake?’ “there’s gonna be CAKE?”  ‘i can’t wait for daddy to walk down the isle with me, it’ll mean a lot to him’ “your DAD is gonna walk you down the isle....?? but you’re marrying ME, right?”   ) also herb not knowing the wedding look of the bride is supposed to be a Secret and barging into the room w a question or smth while lucille and her bridesmaids are getting ready, and everyone is hella miffed and he’s like WHAT i’ve seen her naked before and theyre all like THATS NOT THE POINT HERB

herb did Not Know about seasonal allergies. he just........didn’t know. he just thought god hated him and every spring and fall his head sprung a leak. and the whole time he was growing up no one A. listened to him complain about them and put 2 and 2 together, nor B. just taught him about basic first aid stuff in general for that matter he doesnt know shit. anyways, then lucille was like why are you such a tough guy just stop complaining and take some medicine for your stupid allergies and he was like take some what for my what now

ANYWAYS herb’s mom left while he was v young and he doesn’t remember much about her. herb’s dad was literally   n e v e r   home. the people herb’s dad left him with would work for obscenely low amounts of pay or owed herb sr. money and largely used all the money for their own food, drugs, alcohol, or other more unsightly business, and left herb alone to fend for himself. this is the disaster human that that produced, thanks, family dynamics! don’t abandon your children, kids, thanks for coming to my ted talk

[gaberoothekangaroo]

i havent been okay for awhile. there was the trauma of my childhood, early teens, and late teens that i had begun to process once being out on my own in college for the first time. but i wasnt focused on the trauma or what it had done to me. i was too busy exploring things that id hever had a chance to experience or do like my friends or peers had done. i was allowed to like things. i was allowed to buy things. to exist. and thats more of what i focused on. hard to have something taken from you if theres no one around to take it.

and then i graduated and returned home because i wasnt financially stable and didnt know where i wanted to go with my life. id gone to college for something i was good at and liked, not something i could make a life with. and i dealt with that instead of my trauma.

one of the things that cropped up in my late teens that never left, that i never ignored or put on the back burner was my picking. zits, pick. bumps, pick. scars, pick. enough time wasted that id lose myself for hours in front of the mirror picking at my face or sitting idly in my room picking at different parts of my body. its continued throughout my life. getting on a long dose of acutane helped to clear up some of the picking cause now there were less things to pick. but that happened more recently. i learned picking was most likely a body repetitive disorder. a cousin of ocd.

no one is a paragon of mental health in my family. my mom needs help mentally and refuses to acknowledge any issues. my dad is bitter over the fact that during their marriage she needed help and instead created a toxic divide that led to their divorce. no one ever talked about mental health in a positive way. or in something to look out for.

so i guess i never realized that picking was something i needed help for. trauma, yes but later in life was when i realized i needed help for that. so being away in college paranoia? ocd? something of the two slipped in alongside the picking and never left. it was never bad. i didnt count. things didnt have to be a specific way. but i checked the door. and again. and again. again. again. which graduated to checking the car. if i was still within 15-20 ft i would go back, unlock it, and check to make sure i locked it. yank on the door handle. and i would have continuous anxiety about is the car locked? not enough to overtake my thoughts, but enough to bother me until my attention was diverted to class or groceries or whatever. repeatedly check that i turned in an assignment. not just one, but multiple calendars or checklists. constantly asking my dad something multiple times. but are you sure? are you though? what about now?

and very quickly it transferred to my cat. check to make sure hes still inside. crack open the door to make sure hes still inside. look around the stairwell. check the door. is he still inside? and that progressively got worse over the years. before the pandemic it was bad enough that i would pick him up from wherever he was and put him on the couch in view of the window by the door so that i could see he was there when i locked the door. and checked the door. and checked. and checked.

pandemic hit and. i couldnt keep things clean. i couldnt keep my space clean. i couldnt keep myself clean. my cat clean. and i moved out of my room and into my office/the den. i did it while everyone was gone. i shut myself away because i could control how clean i felt in my room. but that progressed to not feeling very clean in my own room and hardly in my own bed. ive reached the point where i dont feel safe or clean being near my dad or sibling. they go out. they see other family. they dont social distance. theyve been out drinking and to restaurants. and theyre not vaccinated. and i feel so unclean next to them.

and the feeling of being unclean led to my showers growing from just washing extra long to multiple hours. 20 seconds is good enough to get the germs off your hands? must be applicable to the rest of your body.

it takes a lot of effort and energy and hypervigilance to be downstairs the 1-2 times i do it a week. then the effort and energy of showering until i dont feel dirty. its a lot. its been a strain. ive had the strong desire to stab myself and cry and scream because im at my wits end. this is not sustainable. ive trapped myself and i dont know how to get out. i dont know how to ask for help or where to go. what to do.

my cat has a cold and has been prescribed medication thats refrigerated, given 2x a day every 12 hours. i leave my room twice a week, spend an hour downstairs, and then the next four in the shower. i cant medicate him. and my anxiety is too high to call the vet back and ask them for something else. and im trying to be open with my dad about my mental health but its hard. he doesnt know everything. he doesnt even know 1%. and all i want to do is cry

im so tired. the pandemic has forced me to deal with my past trauma because theres a lot of patterns in the current trauma. its forced me to deal with my ocd or germaphobia or whatever it is. my chronic health conditions are out of control. i feel like im drowning in mental illnesses and trauma. and im so tired

[lokbobpop]

Chemical

First recorded in English in the 1500s, the word chemical, along with related terms like chemic and chemistry, comes from a Latin root, alchimicus, that also gives us alchemy. (This Latin word is ultimately a mix of Arabic and Greek sources.)Mar 23, 2019

1 : of, relating to, used in, or produced by chemistry or the phenomena of chemistry chemical reactions. 2a : acting or operated or produced by chemicals a chemical fire extinguisher. b : detectable by chemical means. chemical. noun

Chemical chem mical che mical ch emical chemi cal

Writing the word chemical

Something bad not natural harmful comes up

Reading the word chemical

Out food is covered in chemicals we are being poisoned constantly with our food and water and this brings up anger within me toward the people who are just wanting money out of us and not doing whats best for all. Blame anger revenge but if i look at these people who would i be in there shoes im already in the elite in money when people are starving who am i to judge them he who have not sinned my cast the first stone as it were because how can i judge them when i do almost anything for money myself in this life a millions of other lives ive had so whats to be done we all need to change and see an dit starts with me within me to do whats best for me will be best for all.

Saying the word out loud chemical

Chemical spills how it has affected us from being poured into out oceans on out crops in out water the wildlife has suffered the animal kingdom has suffered and all sea life we need now to take responsibility we need now to change the way we’ve existed and allowed.

The chemicals in out homes as in cleaners deodorants shampoos body wash every day out body has to deal with all this and out thoughts feelings and emotions think about the every moment abuse it goes through consider this for a while if your will as i am not taking no stock of what ive aloud.

The smell of chemicals like they are sometimes ok like a perfume but most of the time they are like bleach really bad and make the front part of your brain throb a bit.

Chemical warfare this also is horrific when people have dropped chemicals onto other in so to harm them and as is now injecting nano technologies into people to manipulate them into an emotional energy.

Sf

Does this definition support me no lots of fear comes up of what might have been done to the population with vaccines to our food water anger comes up but also the realization that greed fro more money is the source and i have also lived in greed.

Chemical can make all ( as in can make all natural)

Chemical

Compounds of un nature source

How will i live this word? I will live this word with cutting down my chemical use as i do no use high chemical shampoo I rarely use deodorant and use earth friendly products in the house. Living words with whats best fro the planet and it life of stableness determination change

[thedappleddragon]

ho hum lets see, what the fuck did I do today?

I know I had a dream last night about goin around doing whatevr stimmin and acting dumb in front of a lot of people, and I specifically remember saying “I'm autistic, you asshole, you're not allowed to make fun of me” and like skjhagsdfjkha. first off I have adhd not autism (probably) second this is something I would say lmao. but uhhh I don't remember doing jack shit in the morning. I took a shower and washed my hair in preparation to go out and do some errands, and it felt really nice to just hang out in the bathroom and brush my hair. midday shower supremacy. when my sister was ready I made her go with me to the store, but we say our dad’s car there too lol. she stayed in the car and made me shop, and my mom asked for stuff they didn't have. so stopped by dollar tree, dropped off groceries, and headed to joann’s to finally get a zipper for my sewing project. we almost forgot it until we were already in line lol. I also picked up a pattern tracing marker that’s supposed to disappear with water, but when I tried it at home, it didnt even show up. it was only like 4 dollars so im not gonna bother trying to return it. I also got 2 little blue butterfly appliqués I may or may not use. after checkout we sat in the parking lot for a moment, texting mom about food, and I took the weirdest way possible to get to hardees. my sister and I ate in her room and then I laid around in my room for a while, looking up a couple things for my sewing project. because the marker I bought didnt fuckin work, I went around my house trying to find something that would, but ultimatey didnt really find anything. then I remembered dollar tree had chalk pens, so I went over there in their last 15 minutes of being open to get 2 different colors of chalk and more tiny jars and a strawberry lemonade. I tested the 2 markers on a scrap piece of fabric, drawing a line and then rinsing it under water, and when it dried I couldn't tell which side I had marked which means it worked :D hell yeah. so now I know if there are any markings left on the final product I can just throw it in the wash on delicate to get rid of them all. (cass if ur reading stop it because birthday spoilers) I also sat on my bed and filled the tiny jars with more rose petals and baby’s breath and crushed up leaves. these jars were even tinier than the ones I got a couple days ago because they were out of that size. my dad brought home the tiny tiny drill bits I asked for, so I baked the shrinky dink fairy wings to go with my friend’s birthday gift and very carefully drilled the TINIEST holes in them. I might have to remake one wing because I drilled too close to the edge, but I think it should be fine? I think im going to end up reinforcing them all with resin anyway. but they shrank really nicely and I used a book to smash them down completely flat which worked surprisingly well. the backs had cloudy lines from the baking paper they were resting on, so I found some old glitter paint to add a bit of sprkle and hopefully un-cloudy them. I was going to add the uv resin but the sun was setting and I didnt trust that my resin would fully cure before nightfall so I'm just waiting until tomorrow. (irl friends pls dont read past this point please, I’m trying to keep SECRETS!) while I was just hanging out after doing those other projects, I looked through all my dress pattern pieces again, trying to find some tutorials that might help about how to hem a sweetheart neckline, until I realized the bodess will be lined and hem itself. but I did find some good tutorials on how to hem a circle skirt that I'll probably end up using later. I looked at the clock and realized yeah I could finally start patterning and cutting my pieces today. I was still nervous about cutting into the main patterned fabric, and felt like I wouldn't have time to deal with all those pieces at once, so I grabbed the lining fabric and started tracing. I made myself a tiny cardboard template for seam allowances because the circle one I made earlier wasn't going to work with the dollar store markers. at first I thought I was only going to cut out a couple pieces, but I cut and pinned and sewed the entire bodess lining! it was really fun and I felt very cool and accomplished until I tried it on and it didnt fit how I wanted like at all. I realized my problem was that I had traced everything out to a size 46 when all my measurements kept bouncing between 44/46, but I was also measuring hip stuff for pattern pieces I ended up not needing, which pushed me to make everything a 46, when really all my upper body measurments probably would have me at a 44 instead. I so got kind of discouraged. ive been building up this idea of what this dress was gonna be and how perfectly it’ll fit and I'll be so cool rolling up in this dress I made all by myself, but it’s gonna look like ass if it doesn't fit right. I went ahead and cut the pattern templates to the 44 lines, and I set the bodess aside and just made the pockets. I actually really like how those turned out! I used a ~French seam~ so they would have finished edges on both sides with no chance of fraying and feel good against my hand in the pocket and my legs in the skirt. the shape and the blue fabric makes it look like a big squid ward nose tho lmao. im not sure how I'm going to fix the lining other than maybe take in all the seams later? but im not gonna do anything to it until I've cut out and sewed the outer bodess and see how that turns out. I made more progress today than I thought I would, which means I can work faster than I thought and I dont need to worry at all about getting this dress done before my friend’s picnic party. tomorrow I get VACCINATED, HEALL YEAH and then I work the day after that for about four hours. I hope side effects aren't too shitty and subside by the time work starts... wish me luck gamers. 

[considerdaydreaming]

Update

February 16th 2021.

First of all, I usually start with the time so it’s 22:18. Second, i still cannot beleive we are still in a pandemic.

It’s crazy because i looked back a bit and i saw about when I posted that it had been 46 days since the beginning of this mess and now it’s about to be a year since COVID hit in a couple weeks. I think we are trending in a good direction now because of the vaccine but it’s been a rollercoaster ride with good news one week then bad news the next, so I’m not holding my breath this time.

Anyways, back to the juicy stuff, of course your girl’s love life. I just wanted to take a moment to be honest with myself since it’s been a while since I took the time to sit down and really think about everything. So, here I go. Here is a real and true update from the oast year or so. Here is my story.

//// TW: SEXUAL ASSAULT ////

So I met this guy at my work that I REALLY was not interested in. I did not find him attractive and I was not emotionally available since my ex was a prick and he fucked me up big time. Anyways a colleague of mines had mentioned him to me a couple times but I had brushed it off because, once again, I was not interested. Anyways one day, another (different) colleague of mines and I were having a conversation and then he was on the other side of our cubicle and started asking us about our nationalities and we told him to guess and made a whole game about it. It was fun, not going to lie. So from there we started talking and we were just friends. This went on for a couple months or so until he started coming to see me everyday at my desk and I was like oh fuck oh no this guy is catching feels, you know? But i wasnt sure so i just continued to be chill because he was a chill guy but i just wasnt into relationships at that point in my life.

Anyways, the day rolls around where he finally asks me on a date and i was like nah fam im not down and i dont date my coworkers (BIG NO NO IN MY BOOK). So he was dissapointed but i knew he was not going to give up. But he was a chill guy so i didnt want to be a bitch to him just because i was broken. So I told him that i didnt know him well enough, which was true and maybe if i did then i would reconsider. So he really started putting more effort at that point, I think. I just remember seeing him more and more at work and i remember he used to put on so much perfume it would make me nauseous 😭😭😭 i was low key getting annoyed! But he was a nice guy and i didn’t get any creepy vibes from him and not gonna lie, there were a couple other guys that i was flirting with at the office and i kinda liked all of them for different reasons 😅 but i wasnt hiding anything from anyone and i was always honest so they low key knew what was up 😆 ANYWAYS i wasn’t shutting him down completely for some reason because there was just something about him that made me feel some type of way. You could say that I wanted to keep him in my arsenal 😂 anywho, i forgot what happened but i think one day i just said fuck it and i decided to accept his request to go on a date. The date itself went great and we talked a lot. We spoke about everything and nothing and we had a good time, even though we had a lot of differences, we also had the same point of view on a lot of things. At the end, i dropped him at the metro and tell me how this guy forced a kiss on me???? (That’s sexual assault no matter what you say, just to be clear) so after he kissed me he left and i was shook and i felt disgusted to be honest. I was shook because the date went so well up until that moment . Like that date wouldve been the best i had ever went on until that moment. I was devastated. Anyways I still did not cut him off, but I was very close. I think i was supposed to text him but i just didnt. I might’ve had another date that time as well or something, that period is a bit of a blur now. BUT i remember that i had to shake it off for some reason, so i did. The next time I saw him, i told him it was a no for me for all the reasons which were in the differences we had discussed and that he just didn’t fit the profile. I didn’t mention that what he did was very instrusive and assault because i didn’t want to have that conversation, it was just too much. So he was pretty defensive about that part and i figured he would just take the hit and move on. It took a while and then he finally did. We didnt speak for like 6 or 7 months and then we changed office locations and then on top of that, the pandemic hit so we were all sent to work from home and etc, etc. At some point, in Quebec, everything opened up a bit for the summer and so things were very briefly “back to normal” so we were allowed to return to the office on some days or some shit like that i dont remember .

We found ourselves in the office and we just so happened to cross paths again and he started to talk to me again and he told me to text him to continue the conversation because his break was done because he has been thinking about me and blah blah blah and i thought i had deleted his number, but it turns out i didnt but anyways the conversation we had following him thinking i deleted his number really made me laugh and it made me want to talk to him more. So Around may 2020 he reached out and we started to talk again and then he asked me out on a walk to talk some more. So i went and he was really adamant about finding out what went wrong between us because apparently this is something he was losing sleep over 😂 (now that i know him well enough i realize he is just dramatic 😂) so i told him what was up and how he sexually assaulted me by forcing himself on me by kissing me without my consent and when i tell you he was shook! We spoke about it some more and i explained to him how i felt and he explained to me how he felt and he apologized and when i saw his genuine regret, i knew that he was a good guy and i forgave him. He had a lot of explaining to do and a lot to do to make up for what he did. He did just that. We went on ther dates and spoke and got to know each other more and eventually we began dating.

Now that’s my boo bear and i know that this guy wouldn’t hurt a fly, he just daydreams a lot and sometimes he creates scenarios in his head that are not at all what reality is (pisces rising) 😂 a sensitive dreamer, although he will never admit it!

Anyways all this story to say that I really fell in love with this guy and im shooketh. Like I’m picturing spending the rest of my life with with and im seeing myself marrying him and having his kids????? After 7 months?????!!! Like that’s wild! Is it because of the saviour conplex? I dont know but he’s special that’s for sure. I’ve never been loved the way he loves me and I’ve never been treated the way he treats me. I never have to ask for something twice. Even if he doesn’t want to do it, he will do it for me. He deals with my moodiness and puts me in my place when I’m being disrespectful. He isn’t afraid to tell me like it is and tell me when im wrong. Like he is really everything i wanted. I think i can trust him but im still recovering and working on that and he knows and doesn’t judge me or rush me. He is just always there, like my anchor, like my home base. He gives me the time and space i need and he is always there when i need him close. Always waiting and always trying to understand me rather than attack or criticize me. I love him, i love him, i love him. Sometimes, i wonder if i really deserve this type of love. Sometimes when i say things i don’t mean, he hugs me and gives me love instead of raising his hand or yelling or breaking things, which i realize , i had normalized in past relationships. The way he loves me is pure and genuine and i feel so comfortable around him, as if I knew him in another life. I was really broken when i met him and i honestly feel like he found some of the pieces that i was missing and helped me glue them back together. I really thought i had lost those pieces for good but they just needed to be found again by anither pair of eyes. Dont get it twisted though, i did most of the picking up and gluing but the found some really important pieces, not gonna lie.

All this to say that i healed, I thought about myself and got to know myself then i found a true and genuine love that is so different from what i have ever experienced and im here for it. I dont know what else is to come, but maybe the next time I write, i might just be wife 😌

Until next time,

Jo