#and my other friend who is white passing half-chinese

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly I think people on here really greatly under acknowledge and recognize the large impact / large trauma that comes from intergenerational trauma from colonization, systemic racism, and not-white America centered trauma. And I know that likely has to do with how massively white tumblr dot com is, but it really isn't until I was around my writing partner that has known me for more than half my life and talking with another peer with Chinese-Indonesian background did it really occur to me how intensely pervasive intergenerational trauma due to US involvement in SE Asia is and how it plays / impacts my life.

A lot of non-America centered trauma and abuse really doesn't fall into any of the real common ways people talk about abuse, neglect and trauma because a lot of that sort of trauma is way more complex and nuanced because a lot of the nature of HOW / WHY that abuse, neglect and trauma occurred is inherently tied a lot more into a history of community / collective trauma and abuse and the ways the individuals from those areas 1) had to survive and 2) the resources that they had available to work with and 3) the inability / difficulty for individuals who are transmitting that intergenerational trauma to realize that they are not in that situation anymore and thus not unintentionally recreate the environment / mindset / trauma for the kids going on

And I'm saying "inability / difficulty" in this case because while I agree that the rhetoric of "it doesn't matter if an abuser has trauma, they could have not continued it" is true in most cases, in my experience especially with my own intergenerational trauma, some people have systemically been stripped of basically any real resources or aid or opportunity or space to really "stop the cycle of abuse" and even at their obvious BEST attempts, they still end up in a position where they systemically really can't prevent it from passing on

It was a joke - a very real joke, but that is something I appreciate with my close friends because it reminds me to check my anxieties against reality - that I "act like I still am in Indonesia" (which for the record, I have never been in Indonesia, I'm the only one in my family that hasn't because I wasn't born when they were there) as a call back to when I was commentating on the complex and dynamic financial situation my family had growing up to which my friend told me "Yeah, but it doesn't matter if you had money or not if your dad constantly lived like he was still in Indonesia" which like... 100% true

And its honestly a really fucking hard thing to work through and overcome. Factually, ON MY OWN - ie not including my fiance who is ALSO in a similar situation on his own, I am financially pretty well off. Every month I make good savings and I have a pretty fat cushion in case things go bad, and so I very much CAN afford to buy myself a $6 fidget toy, but spending that $6 feels like fucking death itself a lot of the time.

I honestly don't know if I'll ever feel as if my financial situation is anything other than broke, not because of income or anything, but just because the factual amount of money I make isn't what controls if I feel financially comfortable / well off or not. I could probably have a half million in the bank and still be sweating about spending $6 on a fidget toy.

And honestly, I was watching 90 day fiance with my friends when I was traveling, and one of the dynamics (for those that know Ashley and Manuel) REALLY made it apparent how disconnected multi-generational Americans can be towards immigrant / immigrant families that have had to come to America for a chance at a better life. It's an experience - a trauma that a lot of people who are not an immigrant themselves or a first generation American to wrap their head around and fathom.

And honestly, I wish there was more talk about it. I wish there were more people with that history talking about it.

(I 'lowkey' start venting under here so Imma put it under the cut since it detracts somewhat from the point but its also worth stating)

I wish there were more people openly discussing how absolutely fucked it is that the US gets to come into countries, INTENTIONALLY fuck it up as a CONFIRMED and ADMITTED method to 'instill democracy / capitalism', and then the same people that from the same country that the US fucked over - for PURE survival - have to immigrate for a chance of living a life that is anything other than rough and a constant struggle.

Some people really wonder why it is that our system has such a foul taste in our mouth for America, I know some people think that because before fusing, >I< wondered why XIV was so deeply and intensely bitter about all things American, and I absolutely get it.

Indonesia was literally intentionally and systemically fucked over by the US Military. That fucking over resulting in immense trauma to my dad that not only immensely translated to me, but also made him EXTREMELY subservient in a "keep your head down, lick the boots of the most powerful person, and enjoy living under the boot of those in power because its the only way to have peace" which is something we - specifically XIV in the past - had internalized deeply which is why were were pretty far down the right wing path and why - when XIV looked at it closer and immediately saw past it - flipped to hard Anti-America values. Because its FUCKED that the US gets to come and ruin a country and then have the victims come and having the same victims "thankfully" licking the boots of the US for giving them a "better life".

Its honestly awful and literally no one talks about it and I know its not just Indonesia that has this. Its the fucking US's modus operandi and its fucking awful.

The US is a place you can come "to get a better life" largely because they fucking ruined most of the other places ability to have a good life.

[unforth]

Okay, so over on the business account ( @duckprintspress ) I said that I'd finished reading the newest article about the Hugos by Chris Barkley and Jason Sanford (this article) and written up some thoughts that troubled me. I AM gonna post them, because I feel strongly that there are aspects of this being pushed aside as if they don't matter, and. They do matter.

To be clear, I am NOT an expert. Most of my knowledge second or third hand, but I've been active in Chinese fandoms for four and a half years, have friends in China, am actively studying Chinese, and at least have a (white, Western) point of view a little different from what I've seen in coverage so far.

What's troubling to me here is the minimal discussion of the dangers in China. It's mentioned in passing that self-censorship happens because the placement of the red line is so unclear that no one is sure what will constitute passing it. Leaving aside that that's an intentional design feature from the Chinese government - they enforce when they want to enforce when they want to enforce it - what's not discussed in this article is who was actually at risk.

The Chengdu organizers in China: if McCarty and the others didn't comply, would the Chengdu organizers have been in danger of ruin? Imprisonment? Execution?

The Chinese authors who were removed from consideration: what were the perils to them and their families if they hadn't been removed from consideration?

The Western authors who were disqualified: if they hadn't been removed, what might have happened to them upon arrival in China? Could their safety have been ensured?

This article presents a very narrow view (and extremely important and informative one, but still only) into one aspect of what happened. At the beginning of it, Barkley indicates that this article shouldn't be considered a final word, and that's a point that really needs emphasis: we know now about exactly ONE aspect of what happened. We do not know what was getting communicated to the Chinese organizers, and we do not know what they were doing with that information. We don't even know who those Chinese organizers were, nor who their influencers, stakeholders, investors, etc., were, nor what their goals were.

This article, and many others, ultimately end up reading like the Western organizers were Actors and the Chinese government was an Actor and that everyone else in China involved who wasn't The Man (business, government, etc.) was a passive receiver of whatever these three groups did. Without more information about all those other people (who, granted, NEED anonymity to be safe, but we don't even have anonymous statements), what we know about this situation is glaringly, starkly lacking, and it feels (if I'm being generous in my interpretation) patronizing that all these regularly Chinese people are getting treated as not having agency under the monolith that is Chinese Government And Business Interests (ill-defined in everything I've read) on the one hand and, on the other hand, Very Specific Named Western People Who Get To Have Names, Power, Agency, And Active Participation In Events.

We have no information whatsoever on what risks the Chinese organizers might have been willing to take.

We have no information whatsoever on what was discussed with the specific Chinese people who set this event up, bought ballots, etc., etc.

It's this ginormous gaping hole in the coverage, and while this gets acknowledged a little in this article, what no one seems to be saying is "if people outside China can't get this information for various reasons, perhaps we're not the right people to tell this story" or at least "we're only able to tell a small part of the story and people who have the necessary language skills, information, expertise, and contacts should do what they can to bring more to light." And again, Barkley and Sanford DO acknowledge that, but in ways that read to me as throwaway and incidental (my opinion, only, other people may have found that wording more impactful, I was already getting frustrated by that point and that would have colored by interpretation), and in the end I feel like it prevents them from posing some of the questions that are truly essential to understanding this. (Some of this is likely known, just not by me, to be clear, but these are the questions I'd personally like to know more about before I can draw firm conclusions about what happened.) For example:

Who in China was really behind organizing and funding this?

Why was the decision made to hold the event in China?

What research was done into Chinese censorship before the event bid was accepted, and what impact did the results of that research have on the decision to accept the bid? How much of that information was provided to the people reviewing the bids, and when and how was that information presented?

What is happening that is causing Chinese posts on this topic to be deleted?

What is the danger to Chinese fans who've spoken out? What is the danger to the Chinese organizers of the event? Have they been victims of reprisals, and are they safe now?

WAS this self-censorship or active censorship, and who was ultimately responsible for the decisions to remove the ballots?

There's so much we don't know, and so much that we probably can't find out at all, but the focus solely on Western sources (by Western journalists and interests, who seem to rarely have ANY contacts in China, much less ones capable of providing useful information) has been a huge flaw of virtually every bit of coverage I've seen on this.

China isn't a ginormous evil black box, and I'm getting really tired of reading coverage that foists off explaining what happened there onto "well, acshwally, the Chinese government..."

What I really want is an acknowledgement that had Dave McCarty refused to do this research, there's a very real chance that people's lives could have been in danger in China. And it's all well and nice for a bunch of people in the West to say "they should have stood up for what was right." But the Western Hugo awards committee people are NOT the people who would have been in danger had they taken a stand. They could have sat perfectly safe in countries with more secure freedom of speech, while their counterparts in China and Chengdu had their lives ruined over it.

And I'm not saying that was a factor.

I'm say we don't know. And without knowing that, I'll own I'm extremely skeptical of any conclusions being drawn about what we DO know. And I'm saying that if McCarty and the others knew that was a risk that existed, it could have colored their decision-making process, and pretending that the issue wasn't a factor feels naive at best. Knowing that the event was settled in Chengdu and couldn't be moved, I wish I was seeing more people asking: was insisting that these works be nominated for an award worth risking the lives of people's lives for? If there was active censorship, and McCarty and the others had fought it, could the Hugo awards have possibly have won against that active censorship, and if they'd tried and failed, what would the consequences have been?

Based on this article, I'm genuinely frightened for Chinese SF/F fandom organizers, authors, and fans right now. I've seen what can happen to people in China, and I'll own it's distressing to see how little that factor seems to matter to the people upset about the censorship, all of whom are safe in places that aren't China.

I want to see more discussion of: once the bid for Chengdu was accepted, what were the genuine options left on this topic? Was this censorship an inevitable outcome of holding the Hugos there? Or, as I personally suspect, is what is happening now not the result of the Hugos being held there OR of the censorship that was done by whoever did it, but rather the result of how all this coverage is making China look bad (when we STILL DON'T KNOW IF CHINA HAD A HAND IN THE CENSORSHIP AT ALL)?

I think we're missing way, way to much information for the level of conclusion that I'm seeing people draw based on this article, including myself in the meme I made based on only a surface understanding of the contents of this article.

I'll own, as someone who knows just enough about China to understand some of the risks people there took, this is feeling like a lot of Westerners going "CENSORSHIP BAD! STAND FOR WHAT'S RIGHT!" while sitting safe and sound and ignoring their counterparts in China and all of the Chinese SF/F fandom screaming "THIS IS DANGEROUS FOR US THIS COULD RUIN OUR LIVES."

I'm. Not comfortable with a lot of what I'm reading, including parts of this article. I'm not saying I know bad things have happened or will happen, but I do feel that a lot of people opening their mouths know far too little about China, and do not seem to think they have a responsibility to learn more, to be taking the stands that they are.

[imqueerandadeer]

Not so small rant about assimilation

Okay quick disclaimer, all if not most of this rant will be about MY experiences as a white passing asian person (with some commentary from my non mixed friend), and remember my experiences don't speak for the whole asian american community (although I will admit there are some similarities between what I have experienced and what other people like me have experienced) because asian people are not a monolith!! This rant is also mainly centered around being asian american and being forced to assmilate but I think most of it applies to other cases of assimilation.

Okay with that out of the way lets start with some context about myself and my life.

Hi, I'm Oliver or Cupid and I'm half thai but white passing. My mom immigrated here with her parents in the 1970's when she was around three. My mom grew up in the valley (or the San Fernando valley) in the 80's and 90's when asian hate and racism was a lot more prevalent than it is now. She was one of the only asian kids at her Christan school. I remember her telling me there was this boy who made fun of her for having an accent when she didn't have one (my mom is fluent in both English and Thai) the same guy (I think) also made a racist comment about two Chinese pandas and connected it to my mom somehow idk she told me this a while ago.

My mom only spoke thai at home with her parents and because she was the oldest child and she was fluent in both Thai and English she had to translate everything for her parents. She only knows thai because she had to speak it at home and because she doesn't use it anywhere else, she married my dad (a white guy) and had me (I am only fluent in english) she didn't see the use in teaching me thai. She also barely knows anything about thai culture because her parents just refused to tell her because they wanted to assimilate and be "real americans."

This stops me from knowing anything about my culture or language, I had to google thai mythology. I had to google my own cultures mythology. Thats just depressing. This also just makes me feel more isolated from my own community than I already am because I'm white passing.

From a very young age I've always sensed that I don't fit in with other asian kids or fit in at all with other asian people and the community as a whole. It feels like I'm not asian enough to call myself asian american, theres always an asterisk of hey I'm also white passing so I'm not really aisan. Which mind you isn’t true but doesn't stop me from feeling like that in general.

It's so hard trying to keep your culture alive when you know nothing about it, I want to talk about being thai, I want to talk about my mythology, and I want to know more than 4 words in thai. All thats keeping me from that is assimilation and a false promise of "if you try hard of enough to fit in you will," the american dream was never a thing and it actively hurts people like me. people who want to know about their culture but can't because is stuck under years of oppression and trauma that our grandparents and parents just won't work through.

And now over to my friend @pansgoobernonsense for it's comments on just asian hate as a whole and some of its experiences with how normalized it is:

"So this one time my mom was at the DMV I believe and some lady yelled at her to go back to China since her English was bad and that encouraged her to learn more English, but her English still isn’t that good (it’s understandable but not grammatically correct sometimes) and she used to get bullied for it and was self conscious

my dad was raised in Hong Kong when it was a British colony and when he went to America for boarding school a kid physically attacked him, called him a slur, and tried to hit him over the head with a snowboard because he was Asian

I was raised in a very sheltered Chinese environment (bilingual school and all that jazz), but as a kid I always wanted to be that white it girl, to the point where I would lie and say I was bipoc 💀 lowkey funny asf

I’ve also been called slurs before and have been told by my parents to avoid talking about being Chinese so I wouldn’t get hate crimed when I went to middle school (public middle school) thankfully that didn’t happen but someone said konichiwa to me once so… erm"

Wow this was longer than expected mb sorry if this made zero sense/jumps around a lot I tried to make it coherent as possible (and have the spelling and grammar correct) but it's 1 am for me and I'm already shit at articulating my thoughts and sleep depravation does not help

[igniting-quill]

Babel: An Arcane History Headcanon about Robin and Griffin

I’m not mixed race, but I’m friends with many people who are (stick with me here, but also if I step out of line, pls tell me). My friends have brought up the fact that being mixed race has them being “ambiguous,” ethnicity-wise. This manifests with a variety of outcomes, like being white passing, or being mistaken for another ethnicity entirely.

Even among siblings with the same parents, many mixed-race kids do not look like each other.

Sure, while reading Babel, it was confirmed among all of Lovell’s colleagues that Robin looks like Griffin. At first, it was implied that their likeness was because of their foreignness: their Chinese heritage. Perhaps, in nineteenth century England, this makes sense. Nearly everyone else is white, so their Asian heritage would shine through. They probably both have dark hair, brown “Asian” eyes (as an Asian person I despise this trait which has been stigmatized to shit. But especially since they’re mixed, might not even be an obvious feature!!!) However, Griffin brings up that they are half siblings, drawn together by their white father. I think to some extent, they both look like their father, and that’s what makes people notice.

Look: Griffin’s mother is from southern China, so from her, he might have a stature of someone who was relatively shorter and tanner. (I would know, my roots lie there). Meanwhile, even though Robin grew up in Canton/Guangdong, his family comes from northern China, so he would probably be taller and paler. (Catch me standing next to my tall 东北 friends, and you’ll know what I’m talking about). Like seriously, there is a large notable difference between their mothers.

So I imagine people might catch their East Asian heritage, but more so the curve of a soft hooked nose (Griffin especially gave me this image because of the likeness to the griffin creature). More so the gruff stature of this professor, the paleness of their skin. And of course, it manifests in other ways too, such as brute force study methods that Lovell grilled into both of them during their childhoods. That’s less nature and more nurture though.

[chemicalarospec]

Being white/East Asian is supposed to be the easy mixed-race combination because Whasians are all so exotic and beautiful, I want a Whasian baby (EW) and Asian is barely a race, so you're basically white (gross racist) and you're light-skinned, and depending on who you're speaking to, white-passing, so obviously you don't experience any real discrimination or oppression (having it easier does not mean nothing hurts us). But instead white people are comfortable saying the weirdest shit around and to you, forcing you to remember there's a gap between you and your friends, and you're not white at all, no matter what everyone tells you (so that's why you get upset at generalizations about white people that aren't true for you... they are true for real white people); but don't you dare make the mistake of thinking you're Asian at all, you fetish baby, you faker, you wannabe (when I was a kid I wanted to dye my hair black so I'd fit in with the girls on the Chinese songs DVD we watched); any time anyone, especially someone dark-skinned ("Black people can't be racist"), says something insensitive to you, only your closest allies (if you have any) will take it seriously (just like with other Asians, but people have more options for you); everybody fucking loves making racist jokes at East Asians "but it's fine because I'm Asian" and you're the only one uncomfortable because you're the only one actually interested in not dividing people based on race, and it seems like you're the only one who (and whose parent) actively doesn't fit the stereotypes (also child abuse ISN'T FUNNY); some monoracial East Asians are waiting every day to throw rocks at you because of your "proximity to whiteness," and they trash the modicums of representation you get as "prioritizing white features" and "worshiping whiteness"; your faves "only got famous out of other Asians because they're closer to white" which might be a little true but not as much as people like to throw rocks for it, making you feel like you're part of the problem for liking them, for liking people like you more than people not like you; and even other Whasians aren't racially conscious half the time so you can't even have conversations about this with them. In fact, there's so many different ways for us to understand our identity that I bet there's another Whasian reading this right now and getting irritated that I'm presenting my own experiences as universal. In-fact-in-fact, I was thinking of a Whasian friend who does the racist Asian jokes thing -- because their mom does fit them. See? Whasian community and identity can only be found for the briefest of moments before all of these fucking Societal Forces tear us apart from inside and out. I'm nobody. I'm not white and I'm not not-white. If I can't "check all that apply", I'm just "mixed-race", just a swirly goop that could be anything, a group so insignificant in our smallness even when we're not that small. I am white AND I am Asian. Just let me live.

[isleofdarkness]

Can you explain a little further how in your AU how Anthony is half Indian (and presumably Chinese since Mrs Tremaine is Chinese in the 3rd movie)?

His father, Anthony Sr, is Indian. I don't know why I decided that, I just did. He's one-quarter Chinese, as his grandmother is Chinese, but he wasn't raised ethnically Chinese because his grandmother is still working through a lot of internalized racism (this internalized racism is why she was mean to Cinderella, who is black, but not to her daughters, who take after their (racist) late father in appearance.)

Actually, I'm going to explain Lady Tremaine in my AU now. Warnings for racism and mentions of abuse.

Lady Mahfnh Madonna Tremaine is an immigrant. Her family moved to the kingdom when she was only a baby and, due to being Chinese, experienced a lot of racism, to the point where the only job her mom could get was as a char and her father was a gardener. She was worked from pretty much the moment she could stand because her parents needed the money. She used to cook. She barely ever saw her parents. She doesn't remember them even now, seeing as her they both died when a disease spread across the estate. She was taken in by the lady of the estate because she was very pretty (well, the lady thought she was fashionable because she was "ex*tic") and raised kind of like an heir. Of course, she was taught that her being Chinese was horrible, and a whole bunch of other racist stuff. As a result, she has a lot of internalized racism.

She married a racist lord (he wanted an "ex*tic" wife to show off but really didn't give a shit about her as a person) and he was extremely abusive. So abusive that she wound up killing him. The one who helped her get away with it was the merchant visiting at the time, Cinderella's father. After that, he invited her and her two daughters (who passed as white) to stay at his home. They became friends, then slowly fell in love. Loving him was like a soothing balm for her. He helped her see herself as a person, not just an ornament.

But then he died.

He died and she withdrew into herself. Everything bad that ever happened to her was her fault, she knew. He fault because she was Chinese and not white. She was in agony, but her daughters never noticed. As they'd been raised racist, they were actually happy that they no longer had to listen to a black man. Without knowing how to handle her grief, she turned it towards an easy victim- Cinderella.

Being cruel to Cinderella helped a little. She chose to ignore the agony it caused her. Seeing that little girl, once so carefree and bright, reduced to dull eyes and shoulders weighed down with sadness, killed her. But she ignored that.

But Cinderella knew. She saw. When she married her prince and was asked if she wanted to prosecute her stepmother and sisters, she requested that they be allowed to live at the castle. Madonna took over trade, and she worked constantly with a group of different cultures- a Chinese girl, a black woman, an Indian woman, an Arabian man, and a few more. None of these people had any room for bullshit, and her time with them forced her to reexamine her biases.

While this was happening, Ana fell for the baker, an Indian man. Dri mocked Ana for this, and for the first time, she got angry about the bias her daughters had been raised with. She spoke to both of them, congratulated Ana, and tried to get through to Dri. Dri refused. This caused a rift in their family, as Dri refused to grow.

Ana got married and became pregnant. Madonna is over the moon.

Then they get sent to the Isle.

A lot of people on the Isle are racist. Her internalized racism comes back with a vengeance, but she has to tools to recognize it. This doesn't help her, but at least she manages to not take it out on baby Anthony, with his dark skin and black hair. This is good, because Ana never gets out of bed. Madonna finds herself raising this baby, and that helps.

On the Isle, Lady Tremaine is a saint. She wishes she could have been so before she hurt Cinderella, and before she allowed that horrible man to hurt her daughters, one of whom is in bed more often than not and one of whom refuses to speak to her.

[serialfirstdater]

London #5: The Posh Hong Konger

On Hinge, I came across an Asian guy who just exuded *wealth*. The photos alone indicated he came from money. From being at F1 to playing tennis in all white, I knew I had to give him a match.

We didn't chat much before he scheduled a date because he went away for the weekend. That worked better for me anyway because I prefer to meet in person instead of chatting online for too long. He told me there was a dress code because he wanted to take me to the East India Club. I likely would never go on a date more posh than this in London.

The Date

On the day of the date, I went through my limited wardrobe. I left a couple of luggage at my friend's place so I didn't have everything with me, but they were all fall and winter clothing anyway. That did not stop me from getting frustrated that I still felt like I did not have enough clothes.

Since the East India Club had a strict clothing policy, I only had a couple of tops I could choose from. I went for my classic short v-neck deep blue long sleeve that I bought from Japan years ago when I was still living in Australia and one of my Aritzia's Effortless Pants. It was more than appropriate as the outfit could easily double as workwear.

The train ride to central London from my houseshare was over half an hour away. On the ride there, I wondered what my date would be like.

I was messaging a friend as I got off the tube. She asked me how tall he was and I said 5'7. But when I double-checked his profile; it stated that he is 5'11. I might have mixed him up with someone else, though no one on my roster at that moment was 5'7. Perhaps he was just giving off short king energy.

I turned the corner from the station and saw the East India Club in all its glory. White, grand, and polished, this exclusive club looked exactly what I would imagine from years of absorbing television and movies about the upper class.

The Posh Hong Konger told me to message him once I arrived and I did. I saw him immediately walking straight to me from the other side. He passed by a friend who was on his phone, leaning against the fence of the building before greeting me.

I extended for a hug before we headed inside. He was 5'11, wore a well-fitted blazer and suit look, and conducted himself upright. He was not a looker and was starting to bald, however, his presence made up for the lack of good genes.

He asked if I wanted to tour the club and I enthusiastically said yes. I felt like I was in Hogwarts, seeing all the crests and emblems adorned the wall. The classic brown interior and wooden finishes transported me back to another era. It was like being in a movie and parts of the club were previously shot for TV. I felt like I was on Gossip Girl, but the British posh version in an all-boys academy or even a fancy fraternity.

The Posh Hong Konger made a dinner reservation in the club, so we sat at a white-clothed table. I scanned the cursive menu, uncertain of what to eat. We exchanged conversation before I selected their lamb dish.

If I had to describe the Posh Hong Konger, he was essentially a crazy rich white privileged boy with the face of a Chinese guy. He was younger than me since I normally did not date 28-year-old guys. But, he was rich and I wanted a taste of his life.

The conversation felt more like a sociology experience for me. Listening to him talk about how he grew up and his various hobbies were fascinating. A glimpse of how the top 1% of the world lives will never cease to amaze me.

As many of my close friends know, I previously worked as a butler at a high-end hotel and casino in Australia. During my time there, along with dating my Crazy Rich Singaporean ex-boyfriend, my desire for the finer things in life was confirmed as I always suspected from a very young age. Of course, realistically I might never achieve this level of wealth. However, being part of it for fleeting moments was enough to satiate parts of my desire throughout my lifetime.

We moved the conversation to another part of the club after dinner. We sat in one of their cigar lounges to converse over cocktails.

At one point, I asked him, "You mentioned earlier that you have older hobbies or feel older than your age." This referred to how he did not enjoy rowdy nightouts or music festivals, which was common amongst Londoners our age. "What would you say your youthful hobbies are?"

I asked this question cause I was curious about what the man enjoyed. And his youth hobby? Fencing.

Then and there, I learned three types of fencing techniques/fights exist. He felt that this was a youthful hobby because of course, he was rich and this was what rich people do if they were young.

We had another conversation about what would happen if our hypothetical children (separately, not together) rebelled.

"Easy," he replied. "I'll cut off their inheritance."

I nodded, 'cause why should I expect anything less from a man who grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth. This was the first time I heard someone speak about their future children's inheritance. Again, the life of the wealthy continued to enthrall me.

Our date eventually came to an end after four or so hours. He walked me back to my tube station. I told him honestly during our walk that I was not afraid to reject people if I had to. However, I realize (with following dates with other men) that if I have this level of honesty with a guy on the first date, it usually means I do not like them. I might like them as a person, but not as a romantic partner. Cause a part of me will hold back on that information just a bit.

Just when I was about to enter the station, he asked, "Shall we kiss?"

It was abrupt as we were not physically close or have tried to close the physical gap in the last few hours. I was taken aback by the ask and went, "Maybe next time!"

There was no tension being built up this entire time. It was difficult for me just to kiss someone out of the blue like that. I've done it in the past and it felt very blase and forced.

We parted ways, in agreement to see each other next time. I messaged him on Hinge later that evening to thank him for the lovely date. He responded the following day, asking if we should chat on WhatsApp. I agreed.

That very morning, I ate a Tesco wrap that had gone bad without realizing it because I had food poisoning shortly after. I messaged my roster, letting the men know I was completely out of it and sick.

The Posh Hong Konger sent his well wishes and asked if I got sick from the dinner. I told him no and explained what had happened. He never responded after.

I guess eating a Tesco wrap with a best-before date the day prior was too poor for him. At least I had dinner at a fancy all-members club. So, a win is a win.

[mina-van1104]

Talked to a few true friends this week & hungout with 1 of my true friends Aaron today! Through these stressful times more sadness. There needs to be better gun control & gun violence is never okay.

Scary day yesterday as the whole world heard. Eventhough Trump is a jerk, I'm glad he's okay eventhough I will I always love Biden.

Remember that Trump was convicted 43 counts in court & still eligible to be president is ridiculous. No wonder why people are extremely angry & if Trump becomes president, there will be a lot of extra angry people with more violence & chaos & makes it extra dangerous for Trump to be president.

I don't even mind if a different Republican runs for president & wins as long as it's not Trump. Republican or Democrat, please vote for Biden or make Trump ineligible ; Biden for be being president who speaks facts & not opinions like the other candidate named Trump. Trump gives me the biggest anxiety and headaches in the world. Trump always makes me physically shake in fear because he's so unpredictable.

I'm also extremely sad that Richard Simmons and Shannon Doherty passed away.😭 I loved Richard Simmons, in our 3rd grade class Mrs. Haney's class we would workout to Richard Simmons workouts for fun. Also, I loved Shannon Doherty because I loved watching the original "Charmed" show when I was a kid. I loved Prue on Charmed! 😭🔮

Song played on Instagram is called "Collide" by Howie Day! I loved Howie Day when I was a kid! Feeling so nostalgic & this was always one of my top favorite songs to listen to. 😭🩵

Always needing some prayers again.🙏 I, Mina Van 文风英 Woon Foong Yin (in Hakka Chinese).Nevada born & raised.Proud nurse, coach. Family living in Nevada for 45 (forty-five) years.Spread kindness.❤️

Then my other successful blood-related family of doctors in my family,🇺🇸veterans,doctors,nurses,coaches,news reporter,lobbyist,good singers,dancers,good photographers, good writers,artists,a cop,a dentist,teachers, etc.Mixed family of Asians & white people.Spread Kindness.

Again, half of our family is Asian half our family is white. Even-though my parents look Asian we have some Chinese, Vietnamese, Native American, small portions of French, German descent, Ashkenazi Jewish descent DNA Ancestry

✞♡ # Selfie # Nurse # Coach # NativeNevadan # StopAsianHate # Biden2024💙 # JesusChrist 🦂 # Buddha # GuanYin # MotherMary # NevadaBornAndRaised # HakkaChineseRaised # ProChoice (though, in politics) # Equality # Justice # Healthcare # Running 🏃🏻‍♀️ # NevadaNative # athletic # HomeMeansNevada # Nevada # UNRnevadaAlumnaMay2016 # 3collegeDegrees # 3MedicalLicenses

•2019:OlderSisterCatherineVan&Adam Schwartz’sWedding&TheirWebsiteOn: https://www.theknot.com/us/catherine-van-and-adam-schwartz-aug-2019•ReminiscingMoreThan200PeopleCame.

[meanwhileinstasiville]

Walking in a straight line; doing something a little different last night.

"KILL YOURSELF!!!" Yelled at me by the guy traditionally stationed on the bridge street corner opposite mazatlan. As he'd yelled not quite as loud many times before. But from across on palm street this time.

A beardy "backed up" by a VW and blocking my path so I can't help but notice next to the "hot yoga studio" An abrahamic cult guy, empire and "hitlers revenge" all in a tiny package.

And I'm from a really good underworld pedigree; so let's talk about how the kkk isn't something you want. It's ruthlessly efficient sure, at terrible things. "We're all friends here" is the law of the land where that exists. Meaning, "who killed my kid?!?" has only solace as an answer because "we're all friends here". Leading to "guess I'll have another one" as best available recompense. "Did you burn my house down for blocking your view?" Solace of a yes or no answer. "Guess I'll build another one" All you get. So successful in Oregon that black people were outlawed, Chinese people were outlawed from existing above ground when outside chinatowns. When it succeeds; we're all friends here. At the dunn ranch, they were actively street sweeping (killing the homeless vagrants "passing through") while actively maintaining a brothel. As so-called "pillars of the community"

It's before Ashland became this sort of "white supremacist" utopia of legend, starting in the sixties and seventies. And that's why I'm bringing it up.

"And he likes it when…he encounters you specifically where I tell you to show up along his walk route…or else" seems kkk vintage anonymity but with a nazi touch. And that was last night.

"Someone's literal job is to yell 'kill yourself' at you specifically?" Yeah. And you should know today, that I got another murder derived setup around the college youth program building; there's a van clearly with someone living in it, a cat on a long leash stretching a tripwire functionally across the sidewalk. And that's what you see. And there's the dog off leash "hiding" in the space between the back of the building and the retaining wall for the rise ending there; thereby conoting you get "jumped" and pushed into a van. And had I done the "smart" thing and walked literally out in the road (smart in context) to get around that, I'm sure there would've been a cooper. Because this is everyday. So when the Ashland seedy community "changed" from anonymous and "all friends here" to "only certain people matter" on race/phenotype sliding scale, the same consolidated power problems start to crop up.

Today it's what I would call "rich person cowardice" which goes with the exalting a race thing. When it was the kkk, their success destroyed them with no blacks or Chinese or minorites or even white women having rights. So they had no standard to hold themselves to because "we're all friends here". But then there's David Sisson (apothecary, nascent drug dealer of ladanum etc) shot in his yard and white, and his French wife (house burned and run out of town, high class prostitute from European sophistication) and white. And who's to blame? Well, the community who was all friends here decided on that and that was it. A murder "everyone" was in on. So everyone did it and at the same time, no one did.

Rich person cowardice is several yellow busses in a row blocking the way up harmony street at siskiyou. It's "elastic" arrival time, like it doesn't matter really when they arrive where they're going within a half hour/forty five minute window. And rvtd has put whole busses next to me to the instant. Based on color and ads on the side. Coopers are the same thing. You have to understand that you're going to have problems with each other when there's only a couple Y chromosomes and uniform genetic strata for everybody. How you decide "who eats, and who watches" with a well documented outcome.

A rich person cowardice example from before, the Marc Anthony hotel building looks as though it was designed with a clocktower in mind. Conoting the city of what empire as opposed the "one of eight Irishmen" and the first Irish bloodlines of Dunn's; incidentally the same as the Kennedys. Tallest building around is going to look like what? Ashland in an "ancient races" contest; they don't even place at circa 1000 years. As compared to twelve thousand for Ireland, who even knows for Switzerland, Greece etc.

"Here! Infinity dollars for a magnificent hotel" and completely out of profile for the region at the time*. Creating a modern curiosity where "all the luxury is in the lobby" said grandpa of sort of terrible accomodations given the import relative to town. And the streets were deserted last night because it was cold at sunset. And so each encounter was mandated by something because affluent communities have lots of people who don't work and kids who don't work; nobody would choose to wait out in the cold to run into me.

These aren't making arguments or even statements, these encounters; these are demonstrations of how the community works when you're not on any of the sides. Walking from Ashland downtown to the far reaches and in a straight line. All sorts of other stuff happened, and today after it, but then I'd have to talk about "standing armies" with nothing better to do, in bringing that up. Which and again the kkk existed as a sieve for unwanteds minority and otherwise, and they ran out in Oregon. Some practiced experts on hate. Stuck with each other conceivably forever.

So diadora inlaid swastika bricks around town and such, I'm starting to see the same thing happening with you guys. Except of course, being the opposite and natural enemy of the kkk, you guys are a super minority well known rather than anonymous. Which, all those "brown" people around here, they're really well acquainted with the viceroys. Like when twenty or thirty people matter for a whole continent. Which is "down to road a piece" for you guys.

[nattosushi]

Popsugar reading challenge: A book with 24 letters in the title

Did you hear about Kitty Karr?- by Crystal Smith Paul

This book is rather hard to review without giving away one of the main spoilers, but I think it is not that surprising due to all the hints given at the start of the book.

The book basically shows two women's life- Kitty's in the 50s and Elise in post 2000. Kity is actually a family friend of Elise's. The twist/spoiler is that Kitty is actually half-black and has been passing off as a white woman. Reading about the way Kitty does this is really fascinating, as well as the way she worked with other women to try and improve the social situation.

Elise's part, however, falls short. I think the main reason is because Elise is a very unsympathetic character. If she was the only narrator in the story then I think I would probably have stopped reading the book. Elise will actually say that as a minority (Afro American) she cannot be racist. Racism is racism. And while some situations might be more sympathetic then others, you can be a suffering minority and still be racist.

I live in New Zealand and even though it is very multicultural, most of the migrated race is still regarded as a minority. I even had my own friends saying that I cannot be a New Zealader because I was not born here, but only came here when I was 7. The thing is, as a 'minority' I can say that minority race can be racist. During work, I often have to translate because I have Chinese customers that does not speak English yet make a scene. They would simply just speak in Chinese to a clearly non-Chinese person and demand them to find a solution for them. I even reach the stage of pretending to not speak Chinese when I face certain entitled customers. Why should I make your life easier?

The second thing about Elise is that she is from a very privileged background with very wealthy parents. This is not her fault, but when this is pointed out, she does not admit this, but gets defensive about it. And at the very end, we are suppose to sympathise with her completely due to the racist incident that happened with two white policemen when she younger. Yes, what happened was nasty, but that does not mean it makes her understand the various sufferings other in a much less privileged position would have undergone. What really irritate me about this is that her having this one bad incident is suppose to makes her able to understand people who have suffered so much worse.

The fact that she revealed Kitty's identity despite everyone's else's objection (as well as Kitty's) is really disappointing, because it is clearly that she is doing this just to make herself better.

Finally, the issue of her boyfriend cheating. Even though it is ultimately her boyfriend's fault, her reaction to the affair is actually more about her own ego being hurt, and she seems to really just be using her boyfriend all along. I know that this sound like victim blaming, but she does not seem a nice person at all.

So my reaction in regard to the book is abit mixed. At one hand I really like reading about Kitty, I also really dislike Elise. So I am not sure if I would recommend the book.

[critical-thinking-is-mandatory]

Hey I wasn’t sure if anyone asked you before but how would you rewrite Marinette and her family to include her Chinese heritage or lack of Chinese heritage if you want to go down the path where some kids refuse to learn their parents’ cultures because of their peers or whatever and then regret it as they’re older? Also side note but I hope you had a wonderful week or as best of it ! :)

hey anon, thanks for asking! i think, given the fact that the show is set in paris, france (aka a very bad unsafe place for poc), that i'd probably lean more in the direction of Marinette being assimilated and play with the fact that she is fairly white looking.

because like, i think it's really important for white-passing poc to be represented in fiction because we do exist, we deserve to see rep for us, and also other people need to see that there is no single 'look' or experience for any given minority.

anyway.

i feel like, seeing as Sabine is like a 1st gen immigrant, we'd probably have a greater divide between Marinette's home and school life, culture-wise. especially given that Chloe is a racist bully. and i'd like to see that really worked with, especially as a source of conflict and then reconciliation between Marinette and Sabine.

i think because ML is a superhero show it actually gives us a fantastic avenue for Marinette to develop her identity and sense of self and the fact it's not worked with is a huge missed opportunity.

like say, at the start of the series we have Marinette doing her best to be "normal" aka white. she meets Alya, becomes Ladybug and suddenly she has a friend who knows what it's like to be picked on for looking different and having "stinky" food. she has someone in her life who is boldly and unapologetically herself and it's amazing for Marinette. and Marinette has this whole new avenue of her identity to explore as Ladybug.

she's not Chinese Marinette, and she's not white Marinette, she's Ladybug. and Ladybug is Marinette.

and it's just like, the kick starting moment of Marinette's development and as the show goes on we could see Marinette slowly bringing all sides of her identity together to just be Marinette. she invites her friends to celebrate Lunar New Year, starts bringing home-cooked Chinese food for lunch to school again, either learns her mum's dialect or starts speaking it again in public.

just...just having a secret identity as a way to really learn about who Marinette is and how to accept all parts of herself.

[kazemon15]

Marinette, biracial and whitewashing

Okay, I have been seeing a lot of posts about Marinette Dupain-Cheng from the Miraculous Ladybug series. For those who don't know, Marinette is Half Chinese/Half French-Italian.

She has blue hair and blue eyes, so she looks more "white" than Chinese, but does still have some Asian features to her, albeit subtle. I have been seeing a lot of posts saying she is "whitewashed."

I want to address this because, like Marinette, I am also half Asian, and like Marinette, I have more prominent white features than Asian ones. I am half Vietnamese/Half Scottish-Irish.

I have light brown hair with red highlights due to my Irish side, light brown eyes and look more white than Vietnamese except for subtle Asian features, like straight hair and slightly slanted eyes.

I'm going to break this post up and address each issue.

Issue 1: "Marinette is white washed because she has blue eyes and blue hair! She looks white! Why couldn't they have given her brown eyes and black hair?!"

Okay...

For one thing, that isn't how genetics work. Even if one "gene" is more dominate than the other doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Like I said before, I have RED HIGHLIGHTS in my hair. When I'm in the sun, my hair in a certain angle looks red as heck. It doesn't mean I am any less biracial. I look more like my mom than my dad, who happens to be white.

I have a friend who is half white and half Mexican. She's as white as can be with dirty blonde hair and light HAZEL eyes. I didn't even know she was biracial until I met her mom, who happened to be so dark skinned, I thought she was black, with dark brown eyes and dark brown hair.

Biracial people can look exclusively white. If you don't believe me, look at Keanu Reeves. He's half Chinese and sure doesn't look like it! So yes. It is possible. I will also link some pictures of my family under a cut if no one believes me.

I also want to point out the hypocrisy of this statement. Anime. How many times have we seen anime characters with blonde hair and blue eyes? Yet no one seems to claim those characters are "whitewashed" and they have less chance of getting those features than a biracial person does!

People claim "that's different, it's a stylized choice" ...well, guess what. So is Marinette's blue hair. You can't say one thing for a media and then deny that for another. It's called being a hypocrite. It's even mentioned that Marinette's hair is actually a stylized black and serves as a homage to that kind of style in old comics.

At least Marinette has more chance of having blue eyes than Japanese anime characters, because, you know...she's BIRACIAL.

Issue 2: "Marinette doesn't know her Chinese culture or language/Sabine is a bad parent for not teaching her/She's whitewashed because she doesn't know her other half culture!"

It may come to a surprise to people, but this actually happens a lot. I don't know a lick of Vietnamese or about Vietnamese culture because my dad wanted it that way. He wanted me to fit in, so he never taught me any of it. Does that make him a bad parent? No, it doesn't. He was a great dad (he's long passed now), and I find it insulting that someone who thinks they don't teach their children about their culture is a bad parent. How about appreciating Marinette has kind and loving and supportive parents instead?

Issue 3: "Why make her biracial then if they are just going to whitewash her? What about representation?!"

Yeah... representation. It's still happening. I'm the one being represented. Someone who is biracial who looks white and doesn't know about her culture. Me. And I'm sure many others like it. Just because her "Asian" side isn't being represented as much, doesn't mean she isn't representing.

Issue 4: "Biracial people should look more like their non-white side than white side or else it's whitewashing! Miraculous writers are racist, because they are white!"

As I addressed before...looking exclusively white doesn't make biracial people any less biracial. By saying this and getting offended by "white-looking Marinette", you're basically telling people who look like Marinette that we don't exist or shouldn't exist.

You are invalidating our existence and that, in turn, actually makes you the racist. Being "white" isn't racist. It's just the way people are born. In a time where white supremacy is going around, it's hard to forget that white people can be the object of racism from other communities. It has happened to me A LOT.

Asians are actually EXTREMELY racist at times. I often went to the Asian market to get Asian food with my dad and Chinese friend. Because I was the only "white-looking" person there, I would get stares and whispers from the Asian Community. I have been told I don't "look Asian enough", so I have no say or opinion in how I feel about an Asian issue that involves me, just because I look "white."

ANY race can get racism directed at them, even white people. It's just not as often heard of because "white privilege" or something along those lines. Yes, white privilege exists, but it isn't always prominent. Sometimes white people are the ones who are setup by a minority and those quick to defend a minority will often believe the non-white person over the white person. It does happen.

That is all I have to say on this issue. Thank you all for reading. And as I said, here are some pictures of me and my family, further proving my claim that white looking Asian people do exist.

[kyberphilosopher]

Cerise

Those are people who died, died Those are people who died, died They were all my friends and just died.

Word Count: 5736 Warnings: Crime, Weapons, Mentioned Murder of a R/pist, Crude humor.

Jason’s friend and roommate, another Gotham villain, is ordered to return to Task Force X.

ce·rise/səˈrēs,səˈrēz/ [noun] a bright or deep red color.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Let’s open up our story on a colorful note: Fuck Amanda Waller. 

Nobody likes her. You don’t like her. Jason doesn’t like her. None of the characters in this story like her. Arguably, none of the characters in your present universe like her, either. There’s a reason why people call her “The Wall”. It’s because that’s what it’s like talking to her. And that’s what it would be like trying to deny the request she’d passed on to you in her letter. 

It weighed on your mind briefly as you walk up the stairs of your apartment building. By the third flight, the weight’s pretty much disappeared. Sure, there’s anger at Waller for violating your agreement, but it’s so useless being annoyed with her that it washes away fast. So by the fourth flight, the whole thing is settled in your head to completion. You’ll go back to your Suicide Squad- or a Suicide Squad, considering most people Waller selects are idiots. Then you’ll do the job, and walk away bing, bang, boom. 

You tip your head politely as if in salute to the older woman, Mallorca, who occupies the apartment across from you. She returns a warm smile that raises her prominent and wrinkled jowls, igniting the fire in her warm brown eyes. “You need me to do your laundry again?” 

Of course an angel such as Mallorca would make such an offer. It’s not a bad offer, either. Your dark, silver lined chest plate is splattered with blood all over the front. It’s nobodies blood that doesn’t deserve it, as per your agreement with Waller. Just some perverted little prick who thought with his dick instead of his brain with the wrong girl. She looked frightened, and you saved her, and since the prick had just hit 18 (a fact you learned after rummaging around his wallet after), you had permission to bash his brain in. Hence the blood splattered vigilante armor. 

The first time Mallorca had seen such a sight, she had no reaction whatsoever. You weren’t sure what else you were expecting from an old woman living in a back alley apartment building, but it certainly wasn’t that. She offered no shock to your red masked, blood stained roommate either. Mallorca is simply an otherworldly being. And is that cocaine you see on the collar of her shirt?

“I got it,” you throw in return, rounding the corner so she’s at your back, and nearing the climb up the next and last flight of stairs. “Hey, is Jason home?” But when you turn around fully, Mallorca shows no intention of responding and has disappeared down your previous staircase. You clasp your hands against the sides of your thighs, “Oh, okay.”

You make your way up the final steps and stick a hand in a secret back pocket to fish around for your keys. You wince when you begin the rigorous task of tugging the lanyard free from the depths, which unfortunately fell near to your back hole. Then you slip the key into the lock and twist. 

Inside your apartment is near emptiness. There’s a couch, a rug, some windows, a TV, and to your immediate right is a small kitchen beside a hallway that leads to a bathroom and two bedrooms. You see the large plant you’d stuck in the corner is wilted and tinged brown, and the TV is playing some movie with the sound muted. No sign of your roommate, however. 

You toss your helmet and keys onto the couch. Then you make your way to the kitchen to search the fridge for a snack (that you know is not there) or perhaps some water. You bend down to peek an eye in, only to stand back up and close the thing. Then you pass over to the counter, and reach up to now peek an eye in the overhead cabinet. 

“You’re home early.”

You let out a short-but cathartic- scream, jumping as you turn around. You relax quickly. It’s only Jason, and your face changes from shocked and panicked to simply annoyed. 

The man at the other side of the room pulls his infamous red helmet from atop his face. Underneath is a classically masculine, handsome face with eyes that blend between green and blue. Black hair falls free in messy strands, accented by the one white tuft that you’ve claimed reminds you of a skunk. You tilt your head lazily in defeat. “How many times have I told you not to do that?”

Jason shrugs in his red hoodie and jeans, walking across the room to set the helmet on the coffee table. “Four. Any particular reason you’re home so early?” he flops himself onto the couch and kicks his feet up, crossing them tastefully next to the Red Hood helmet. 

You turn back around to continue the task of grabbing a cup from the top cabinet. “It’s been five, and I apologize for assuming I could do what I wanted in my own home.”

“If you have to ask me to stop sneaking up on you five times, you’re probably a really bad vigilante.”

“Fuck,” you mutter as you fill the cup with tap water. “That’s true.”

You turn around to face Jason. His eyes are already on you, illuminated by the blue glow from the television. They linger purely on your form for a moment, then they dip down to narrow at your armor. “Were you the one who killed that guy on the back of main?”

You furrow your brows and look up with pursed lips in thought. “Are you talking about the main diner or the main records shop?”

“Main diner on main street.”

“No, that was Azrael. This was by the records shop.” You raise the glass to your lips.

Jason snaps his fingers. “Oh, that guy. The kid?”

You nod and take another sip of the water. “He just turned eighteen, so you know. Free game. So, what do you want for dinner? Pick something good. I’m going back to the squad so I won’t be here for a few weeks.”

Jason’s brows furrow for a split second, then he perks up attentively. “You’re going back to the task force?” he repeats, though it sounds defeated and disbelieving. Distraught- is that the word you’re looking for?

“Yeah,” you shrug. “I got the letter-” you set the cup of water down and reach a hand into your pocket. Then you pull the crumpled envelope free of its confines and toss it onto the counter, “-today.”

Jason’s eyebrows furrow again. This time the movement is quick and curved and almost offended. “So, that’s it then?”

“What’s wrong, Jason?” you smirk. “Did you finally fall in love with your roommate turned friend? I always knew this day would come.”

“Uh, no?”

“Suit yourself.”

You turn back around and begin rinsing the cup out. Jason watches your back, something in his chest sinking. You weren’t his best friend. Besides living together, you weren’t really all that close. You were living a life a lot like his, running around at night as some antihero vigilante. The only difference was that you’d crossed paths with Waller and had managed to make it out of her system alive. Most antihero vigilante’s weren’t so lucky. Most of them died. But now you’re telling Jason right to his face that you’re going back. That you think you’ll only be gone a few weeks when it could just be forever. Sprayed with dark blood all over... what if it was yours?

“Actually,” Jason leans forward. His legs drop from the table and spread open, elbows resting against his knees with a hunched back. “Why don’t you pick dinner tonight?”

The glass clinks against the metal of the sink as you set it inside. Jason almost always picks dinner. Most of the time he chooses burgers or Chinese. Your apartments stove isn’t working, so eating from home really just means a BLT sandwich for the both of you. 

“Are you offering because you’re hoping I’ll choose that new steakhouse?” you smile.

“I’ll get you anything you want,” the man replies. “It’s on me.”

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

Jason meets you on the roof of the building about an hour and a half later. You wanted to go with him, since you’d say his behavior is different from usual, but he was very adamant about you staying in. Jason even encouraged you to go ahead and pick your favorite movie to watch while he’s gone. 

When you told him you’d decided on the steakhouse option, you meant it ironically. Between the two of you, money could be described as ‘tight’. Going to a new place like that would mean saving for a while. Furthermore, you hadn’t even given him your order before Red Hood was gone. 

To his credit, looking at him now, you wouldn’t change a thing. The first bite of the food is phenomenal. The second bite is just perfect. Jason must have mind reading powers to be so aware of your taste in food- you’d thought he never noticed. 

He gets a steak, as predicted. Jason loves steak. 

Gotham looks most like itself at night, a view shared between the two of you. Two sets of legs dangle over the side of your building, both of which are clad in heavy boots and armored knees. Jason had decided to go out as his alter ego- a fact he thought he could keep from you by putting his hoodie under his leather jacket. 

“I saw you put your helmet by the door,” you tell him. “I know what’s under that sweatshirt.”

“No you didn’t,” is all he says back. 

The wind tickles the back of your neck. It ripples through the air in lazy waves, making Jason’s hair ruffle. The white skunk streak disappears and reappears between the darker-than-midnight-sky strands. Behind Jason, the moon is full and lonely. Its only company is the two of you. 

“Oh my god,” you stuff your mouth. “This is so good.”

“Hm,” Jason hums in agreement, stabbing his steak once again with a fork in his black to-go box. It’s the next movement of his shoulder that catches your eye. 

“Jason, is that cocaine, or powder donut dust?” 

Jason glances over at you. 

Your eyes linger on the white splotch of something in the wrinkles of red fabric. “Because I asked you not to eat them since there’s only two left.”

Your face slowly falls to one of horror as Jason stays still. With a face of steel, he finally says, “It’s cocaine then.”

“Then?”

“Look what I got you.”

Jason sets his box to the ledge beside him and leans down. 

“Worst subject change ever.” You take an angry bite of your meal in an attempt to both silence yourself and to make you feel better. Unfortunately as you pull away from the bite, crumbs attach themselves to your chest plate and stick to your fingers. “Crap. Jason, your dumb food is getting shit all over my stuff!”

When you look over, Jason’s orbs are already on you. His eyes pierce yours, almost unintentionally daring them to look away. The skunk strands glow this close. He holds two things in his hands. The first is a small, brown pot you could balance in the palm of your hand, filled with miniature yellow and red flowers. Scarlet tulips, golden sunflowers, and blonde alstroemerias. In the other hand is a Blu-ray copy of your favorite film. 

“Oh,” is all you can muster out. 

When was the last time the two of you had actually exchanged gifts? You weren’t lovers, or best friends. You were just friends. It had to have been last Christmas, when you had gotten him a TV subscription for South Park and a pair of socks. Jason had gifted you a new bedframe that he later helped you put together. 

A big smile reaches your eyes and makes your cheeks sore. “I haven’t been able to find this anywhere,” you say, taking the movie from his fingers. Your voice comes out pure and genuine. “Thank you.” Your smile grows even larger when you cup the pot of flowers with both hands. 

“All of the flower shops were closed,” Jason explains. “Those are plastic. They won’t die anytime soon.”

At that moment, you swear you could’ve kissed him. He’s looking at you like this is all nothing, like he didn’t just drop big money on dinner and flowers for you. Jason knew what food you wanted before you did. He knew your favorite movie when you can’t even remember saying a thing about it. When had any other man or woman been so thoughtful? So romantic? So caring?

You glance down to the film in your lap. “I didn’t think you payed attention this well.”

Jason’s brow quirks upwards. Something flashes in his eyes as he adjusts his position, seven stories up from the ground. “What kind of roomie would I be if I didn’t?” he asks. Something tells you there’s a shyness blooming in that broad chest of his. Jason’s eyes flit downward to the blood on you, before his head dips back upwards to lock a stare with you once more. “You smell nice,” he states.

You look up at him simply. You know your eyes are filled with pure adoration, and that it’s showing all over your face, but you don’t care. Your red hooded, drug pedaling, bat wrangling, gun toting equal roommate is your favorite person in all of Gotham at this exact moment. 

Behind Jason, a small bird flits overhead with a flash of crimson. “Hey, look,” you pat Jason’s shoulder. His eyes follow yours until they land on the floor of the roof behind you. “I think it’s a robin.”

“I know that bird,” Jason scowls. “That’s the son of the bitch that keeps waking me up in the morning.”

“Hm?”

You watch as Jason swings his legs over the side and pushes himself from the ledge. One hand reaches into the back of his pants while the other searches his leather jacket pocket for something. After a few seconds, he produces both a clip of ammo and a gun, which connect with a click. 

“Ah!” you yelp, placing both the flowers and movie on the brick before copying your friends actions and standing on the roof. Jason hasn’t shot yet, but the gun in his hand is aimed right at the little birdie. He’s got a clean shot. His face remains neutral and unmoving as you take your place beside him. 

It’s a full minute, and the robin is still alive and intact. He nibbles on a little crumb of bread. “He looks happy,” you think out loud. The air of Gotham goes quiet up on that roof, despite the distant sirens, music, and people throughout the city. “Are you gonna shoot?”

Jason’s finger lingers over the trigger. Even the slightest of a squeeze would set the weapon off at this point. The balls of your feet move to and froe, anticipating the bang you’re so familiar with. But then Jason lowers the gun completely, and the robin flies away at the movement. “Nah. He’ll feel the pain I dish out in the morning.”

“Don’t be sad,” you nudge Jason. “He’ll be back at six AM tomorrow to wake you up.” You turn to return to your beckoning food on the ledge. “Thanks for all this, anyway.”

“You’re welcome,” you hear Jason respond. “Hey Y/N?”

Jason watches you spin until you’re completely facing him. He can see the blood again. How it’s completely standing out against the darkness of your outfit. You look powerful, yeah. And you look like the antihero you’re labeled as. But all Jason sees is a corpse of a... of a friend. “Yeah?”

“You’re sure about this Waller thing?”

“Yeah?” you reply, as if it were obvious. The stain on you is so haunting it’s easy to think otherwise. “It’s not like I have much of a choice. It’ll only be a few weeks. I’ll be back before you know it. Then I can show you this sick ass movie.”

Then you go back to walking towards the ledge to retake your seat. But Jason remains standing. He watches as you, the person he thinks of naked so often, get comfortable, your back facing him. And, despite your word, Jason has the sinking feeling that some Suicide Squad mission isn’t the only place Amanda Waller will send you to. 

This time, Amanda Waller will send you to your grave.

.✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ✫*.

This was supposed to be out on August 16th, for Jason’s birthday. But the concept came to me too late and I spent too long on it. Anyway, here’s some symbolism for ya.

Tulips symbolize unconditional love. Sunflowers symbolize adoration. Alstroemeria’s symbolize devotion. The reader describes the plant in their apartment as turning brown, suggesting it may share a similar fate as the reader as plants go brown when about to die. Robin’s symbolize optimism, a trait the reader displays towards the idea of returning to the Suicide Squad. Robin was also a former identity of Red Hood. Both of which could be why Jason decides to spare the bird. 

I’ll go back and proof read this in the morning.

[translations-by-aiimee]

The Husky and His White Cat Shizun - Chapter 19

Original Title:  二哈和他的白猫师尊

Genres: Drama, Romance, Tragedy, Xianxia, Yaoi

This translation is based on multiple MTLs and my own limited knowledge of Chinese characters. If I have made any egregious mistakes, please let me know.

Chapter Index

Chapter 19 - This Venerable One Will Tell You a Story

The girl was extremely pale, with an oval face and round eyes which were especially attractive. She was wearing a light pink skirt, her hair tied back. She looked like a young woman. She rubbed her eyes blankly in the dark, looking from side to side.

"Where am I. . .?"

Chu Wanning said: "You are in Return to Truth barrier I set up."

The girl was taken aback and said fearfully: "Who are you? Why is it so dark here? I can't see you, who's talking?"

Chu Wanning replied: "Did you forget?. . . You're already dead."

The girl's eyes widened: "I'm. . . I. . ."

Slowly, she remembered.

Lowering her head, she folded her hands across her chest. She murmured in a soft, unwavering voice: "I. . . I'm already dead. . ."

"Only souls can come to the Return to Truth barrier. Here, their hatred will be eliminated. No matter whether the dead person has transformed into a vicious ghost or an ordinary spirit, they will retain their original and personality appearance, known as their 'Return to Truth.'"

The girl was frozen for a while as if she was gradually remembering the past. Abruptly, she dropped her face and silently wept.

Chu Wanning said: "Have. . . you been wronged?"

The young girl sobbed: "Are you King Yan*? Or Bai Wuchang*? Are you here to avenge me?"

*(T/N: King Yan [阎王爷] is the one to judge the dead while Bai Wuchang [白无常] is one of the deities to escort spirits to the underworld)

Chu Wanning held his forehead and said: ". . . I'm not King Yan or Bai Wuchang."

The girl sobbed quietly. Chu Wanning was quiet for a while and didn't speak. He waited until her cries calmed down a bit and then said: "But I am here to help you air your grievances."

When the girl heard this, she choked and raised her gaze, and said with a mixture of joy and sorrow: "Then you really are Lord Yama*!"

*(T/N: Same person as King Yan)

". . ." Chu Wanning decided not to continue this topic with her and instead asked: "Do you know what you've done after you died?"

"I don't know. . . not really. I just remember that I was so, so sad. I wanted to get revenge. . . I wanted to go to them. . . I wanted to find him again. . ."

When the soul had just awakened, it would take a minute for all their memories to return to them, but it didn't matter. Chu Wanning patiently asked her: "Who did you want to go to?"

The girl whispered: "My husband, Chen Bohuan."

Chu Wanning was astonished. Chen Boyuan - wasn't that the name of the eldest son of the Chen family?

He asked: "What. . . what's your name? Where are you from?"

The power of Tianwen was infused with this illusionary barrier, and the dead who entered would almost always talk honestly with Chu Wanning. Therefore, the girl replied: "I'm a concubine, Luo Xianxian. I'm from Caidie Town."

"Before I came, I read the analects of Caidie Town. There are more than 500 households in this town, and there's no Luo family. Who is your father?"

The girl slowly remembered the details, her eyes filling with even more sadness: "My father used to be a scholar in the village. He was my father-in-law's brother-in-law's close friend. A few years, he contracted tuberculosis and passed away. Then I was the only one left from my family."

"Then why did you die?"

The young girl froze for a moment and then she sobbed: "I had no other option but to die. They, they lied to my father and stole the secret recipe for the butterfly fragrance powder. They beat me and scolded me, threatened me, and told me to leave Caidie Town. I. . . I'm a weak woman, where else could I go? I didn't have a single relative left in this world. . . The world is so big, where could I go? Apart from the Underworld, where else could I go? Where would there be room for me. . ."

After she recalled the events of her life, she seemed to have infinite bitterness and sorrow in her heart, She was desperate to talk to someone. Chu Wanning didn't even have to ask anything else, she slowly continued on her own.

It turned out that Luo Xianxian lost her mother when she was young. She heard from his father that she had an older brother, but her brother was separated from them in the chaos of the Lower Cultivation Realm, and they never saw him again so she didn't know whether he was dead or alive. When her elder brother was lost, Luo Xianxian wasn't even a year old, still in swaddling clothes. Later, she tried to remember her elder brother, but she still had no recollection of him.

There were only two people left in the Luo family were Xianxian and her father. The father and daughter depended on each other. They wandered around and finally built a small house in Caidie Town and lived there.

That year, Luo Xianxian was five years old. The Chen family's oldest son, Chen Bohuan, was two years older than her.

At that time, the Chen family hadn't made its fortune. Several members of the family lived in a two-bedroom earth-rammed hut. An orange tree was planted by the low wall of the small courtyard. In autumn, the tree was full of fruit and it grew over the low wall and snuck into the Luo family's yard.

Luo Xianxian tilted her head. The branches full of oranges looked like lanterns during the Lantern Festival. She was shy and introverted. She didn't play with others. She was always alone. She would dutifully be peeling some beans, raising her head from time to time and peeking at the orange tree peeking over from the Chen family's yard.

The oranges were temptingly yellow, and against the sunlight, you could almost taste the sweet and sour fullness of their juice.

Luo Xianxian looked eagerly, gulping and swallowing from time to time. Her cheeks were sore from the cravings.

But she never reached out to pick one. Her dad was a scholar who had been inferior to her father-in-law's brother-in-law. He failed the exam, but he didn't lose his backbone. His sour scholar brain was probably hurting but he always coached his daughter to be a "gentleman."

At the age of three, Luo XianXian knew that wealth couldn't be lusted after and poverty couldn't be changed. She never reached out to pick the oranges that were close at hand, even though she craved for them.

One night, Luo Xianxian sat in the courtyard humming and washing clothes by the moonlight.

Her father wasn't very strong, so he had to go to bed early. The poor man’s child had to take charge of the house. The little girl rolled up her sleeves, soaked her thin arms in the barrel, and rubbed her face earnestly.

Suddenly a hoarse cough came from the door, and a young man covered in blood staggered in and stared at her.

The little girl was so frightened that she even forgot to scream.

The young man's face was dirty and bloody, but his eyebrows were very handsome. The two people stood frozen staring at each other for a while. In the end, the young man couldn't stand up anymore. He sat down slowly against the base of the wall, panting, and said hoarsely: "Bring some water."

Xu was that kind of young man who didn't look like a bad person or perhaps Luo Xianxian was simply too kind-hearted. Although afraid, she still ran back to the house, made a cup of tea, and held it up to the young man's mouth.

The young man wasn't very polite. He threw back his drink, then wiped the corner of his mouth. Rolling his eyes back, he stared at Luo Xianxian's pretty face. His eyes glazed over and he didn't speak for a while.

He didn't speak, Luo Xianxian didn't either, she just blinked timidly. She held her hands at a distance she thought was safe enough and sized up the stranger.

". . . You look like an old friend of mine." The young man suddenly grinned, squinted his eyes and smiled eerily. With the bloodstains on his face, it was really quite terrifying. "Especially the eyes, they're so round. It looks like you could gouge them out, stick it in your fingers and swallow it in one bite."

When he said such horrible words so plainly, even with a little smile, Luo Xianxian trembled even more, and subconsciously covered her eyes.

The young man said: "Heh, clever girl. Just cover them up. Don't keep staring at me. I can't control my own hands."

He spoke casually with a northern accent.

Moonlight fell into the courtyard. The young man licked his chapped lips and suddenly saw the orange tree stretching into the yard. For some reason, his eyes lit up. His pupils flashed in the light, the lustre brightening for a moment before dimming back down. He raised his chin and motioned.

"Girl."

Luo Xianxian: ". . ."

"Pick an orange and peel it for me."

Luo Xianxian finally spoke up. Her voice was soft, slightly trembling, but she didn't hesitate to say: "Sir, that's not my family's fruit tree. It belongs to someone else. I can't pick one."

The young man was taken aback. She wasn't sure what went through his mind but his face slowly sank.

"I told you to pick one. I want to eat an orange. Pick it for me!" The last phrase was harsh like he spat it out through his teeth. Luo Xianxian shuddered, still stubbornly stood her ground.

The little girl was soft-natured, but her bones were the same as her stubborn father.

"I won't."

The young man's eyes narrowed. He raised his nose, his expression changing: "Do you know who you're talking to, brat?"

"If you want to have some water, I-I'll pour it for you. If you want to eat, there's some food inside, but the orange tree isn't mine. I can't pick it. Father said taking something without asking is stealing. I'm a gentleman. Wealth can't be lusted after and poverty can't be changed. You can't fish. . ."

In her rambling, she started talking about fish instead. The half-grown girl blushed. She insisted on what her father had taught herself and ended up completely fumbling her words, but under the young man's gaze, she was violently trembling, and her legs were weak.

The young man was speechless.

Hearing such a little kid, especially a young girl, say things as odd as "taking without asking is stealing", "wealth can't be lusted after and poverty can't be changed", and - and "I'm a gentleman"?? pfff, he normally wouldn't be able to stop himself from laughing out loud.

But he couldn't laugh.

On the contrary, there was a strong resentment in his chest and his heart was being crushed like it was being trampled by a horse.

"I hate your kind, so-called. . ." He supported himself on the wall, shakily rising to his feet, and hissed out: "Good man, gentleman, hero, benevolent."

Under Luo Xianxian's horrified gaze, he slowly moved his injured foot, he moved over to the orange tree. He looked up, sniffed the smell of the orange tree almost greedily, and then a red gleam of rage flashed in his eyes. Before Luo Xianxian could react, he climbed the tree, shaking it, trampling, kicking, and hitting its branches.

All the oranges on the branch crackled and fell to the ground, rolling away. The young man's smile was twisted and he shouted wantonly: "Taking something without asking is stealing! Wealth can't be lusted after! The mighty never yield!"

"Sir! What are you doing! Stop! Dad! Dad!"

Luo Xianxian hadn't wanted to call for her father. Her father was a weak, powerless scholar so there wasn't much he could do. But she was a little girl after all, and she was so terrified that she finally broke down.

"What are you shouting about! Your dad can come out and I'll cut him down too!"

The little girl was scared silly. Small water droplets rimmed her round eyes, tears forming.

The Chen family next door went to a neighbouring village to visit relatives so the whole family was away. No one could stop this lunatic.

The little madman shook the oranges all over the ground and still wasn't satisfied. He stomped on the ground several times, crushing several oranges, growing ferocious. She didn't know where he found the strength, but he jumped over the wall and flipped into the Chen's yard. In the courtyard, he found an axe and chopped down the whole tree. Then he turned around and cackled.

He laughed and laughed then abruptly stopped. From his squat, he straightened himself, staring blankly in a daze.

Suddenly, he turned his head and waved to Luo Xianxian: "Girl, come here."

". . ." Luo Xianxian didn't move. She was frozen to the spot, the little cloth shoes embroidered with yellow flowers digging into the ground.

Seeing her hesitating, the young man calmed down his voice and said as sweetly as he could, "Come here. I have a treat for you."

"I. . . I don't. . . no, I don't want to go. . ." Luo Xianxian mumbled. Before she finished speaking, the young man suddenly grew irate again——

"If you don't come here, I'll go into your house and slice up your father!"

Luo Xian trembled harshly but finally took small steps towards him.

The young man squinted at her: "Hurry up, I'm not waiting all day."

Luo Xianxian lowered her head and moved towards him. When she was still a few steps away, he suddenly stretched out his hand and violently pulled her over. Luo Xianxian let out a scream, but it only reached the back of her throat before something was shoved into her mouth to gag her. The young man stuffed an orange into her mouth. It wasn't peeled or washed, but covered in the dirt and pushed into her mouth.

The young man tried to force her to eat it in one bite. The orange split open and was rotten inside. Half her face was covered in the rotten fruit, but the lunatic was still smiling. He crushed the fruit into her face, stuffing it into her mouth that she was desperately trying to keep closed.

"Aren't you a gentleman? I thought you didn't eat stolen food. So what are you eating now? Huh? What are you eating now!"

"Haaa. . . no. . . I don't want. . . dad. . .dad. . ."

"Swallow it." The young man narrowed his eyes and stuffed the last bit of fruit into Luo Xianxian's mouth. His pupils gleamed with an eerie light and he shuddered. "Swallow it!"

He watched Luo Xianxian forcibly swallow the orang. She muffledly choked out "Dad". The young man was silent for a while, then he suddenly smiled.

That smile was more terrifying than his hideous face.

He stroked Luo Xianxian's hair with satisfaction, squatting in front of her, and said softly: "What are you calling your dad for? Shouldn't you be called out to me? Isn't the orange I gave you sweet? Was it delicious?"

With that, he picked up another one off the ground.

This time, he didn't stuff it in her mouth. He carefully peeled off the orange peel and cleaned off all the white piths attached to it. Then he wiped his hands, broke off a piece, and brought it to Luo Xianxian's lips. He whispered: "If you like it, eat some more."

Luo Xianxian knew that she had encountered a madman today. She had no choice but to lower her head and silently ate the orange that the madman handed her. The sweet and sour juice melted down her throat and her stomach churned. . .

The young man squatted there, feeding her slices of oranges. He seemed to feel better and even started to gently hum a song.

His voice was rough, very hoarse, like a broken gust of wind, vague and inaudible. Luo Xianxian could only make out a few words.

"Three or four flowers fall into the pool, the bell chimes once or twice on the shore. The best thing is to be young, a light-footed horse, you can see the end of the world. . ."

He suddenly said: "Girl."

". . ."

"Tsk." He curled his lips and reached for Luo Xianxian's slender face, "Let me look at your eyes."

Luo Xianxian shivered. She was powerless to resist. She could only let the young man inch forward, his bloody finger coming closer and closer to her eyes.

"This is how it is," he said.

Luo Xianxian whimpered and closed his eyes. She was really afraid that this madman would, on a whim, poke out her eyes like they were fruit.

But the young man didn't poke them.

The other coldly said to her: "Didn't you teach me the saying that wealth couldn't be lusted after and poverty couldn't be changed? I've also got something to tell you."

"Hmm. . ."

"Open your eyes."

Luo Xianxian's eyes were tightly closed. The young girl laughed in exasperation and hissed: "Don't be like that. Open your eyes!"

". . . Do you think I won't be able to gouge your eyes out if you have them closed?!"

Luo Xianxian forced her round eyes open, her slender eyelashes trembling, and tears streaming down her face which looked pitiful and fearful. She wasn't sure how to make this stranger happy. He suddenly let go of her cheek, his hand lingering in the air, and then gently patted her head.

He gazed into her eyes, and a trembling smile shook from the corner of his mouth. His smile was distorted, ferocious, and just a bit miserable.

He said: "There are men in Linyi. Twenty of them are dead."

After he spoke, he turned around and his figure sank into the darkness and gradually disappeared.

Only the mess on the ground was the only evidence that such a person, covered in blood in the middle of the night, had been here.

Previous Chapter Next Chapter

[watchmegetobsessed]

Flatmates - Harry Styles

i listened to kiwi while writing it so i strongly advise to listen to is while reading as well. without any further ado, i present you this flatmate!harry fic with some steamy smut!

word count: ~9k

warning: smut

masterlist

You were desperate to find a place to live, to say the least. You’ve always had trouble remembering deadlines and important dates, and thanks to this charming trait of yours, you successfully missed the deadline of the college dormitory applications. After a day of solid panic you started looking for cheap apartments, but living off campus seemed to be something only rich people could afford. Rents were ridiculously high and you were certain you couldn’t afford to spend thousands of dollars for a room smaller than your pantry back at home. You watched ad after ad, making calls all day for a week straight, but at the end, you always went to bed with the thought that you’ll have to live under a bridge through the first semester of your freshman year.

It was until a friend of yours, Rita, who was mature enough to apply to the dormitory in time called you with the best news you could receive.

“This friend of my future roomie is looking for a flat mate. You gave me his number, maybe you could give him a call and see if the room is still available. Just tell him Kimberly gave you his number, I’m sure he’ll offer you the room on a nicer price.”

“Oh my God, you just saved my life!” you gasped, almost feeling like crying. “I owe you big time, Rita!”

You called right away, not wanting to waste any time and maybe have the room already rented by then. A deep, male voice answered the call in a soothing British accent.

“Harry Styles,” he said in a calm tone.

“Hey! My name is Y/N and I got your number from Kimberly. I’m looking for a place to live from September and I was told you have a room to rent?”

Harry sounded a little hesitant at first, asked a few questions about you to have a better picture of you, but eventually offered the room. You quickly agreed that you’d be able to move in at the end of August. You were thankful you had one less worry about school finally.

August rolled around the corner faster than you expected and in no time, half your life was packed up into boxes and suitcases as you and your dad drove two hours on a Saturday to get you all settled in your new home. Up until this point, you hadn’t seen Harry just yet. Though you did search up his name, but he was the kind to never post about himself, but mostly about guitars, landscapes and animals. His Instagram was dry, no trait of what he looked like or even the slightest hint about himself. There was only one photo that featured the outline of a guy, which makes it clear that the person was fully naked, no trace of any clothes hanging on his body, but it was completely dark, so nothing could be really seen. However the tag on the figure made you think it wasn’t him, so it didn’t matter. His Facebook seemed even sadder, barely any posts, not even a decent profile picture. You were surprised to see there are people who don’t really use social media, but you didn’t take it as a bad sign. Harry must be a private person and you had nothing against that.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea to move in with a guy you’ve never met before?” your dad asks as the two of you are unloading the car in front of the apartment complex. Glancing up you shrug your shoulders with a little excitement, knowing that you are only minutes away from finally seeing the person you are gonna spend your next months living with.

“He sounded like a decent person, and I really don’t have any other choice, dad. Or do you want me to sleep in a park or something?”

“God, no. You really should be more careful about those deadlines next time,” he sighs kissing the top of your head before shutting the back of the car once everything is set on the ground.

“Don’t worry, I already bought a calendar so I can keep better track of everything.”

When you first told your parents that you’d be living with Harry, they didn’t seem to be a fan of the idea, but they realized you weren’t really swimming in options at the moment so they eventually come to peace that their daughter is going to be living with a guy. They didn’t make a big deal out of it, knowing well you were an adult now practically who can make choices for herself.

The two of you manage to bring everything up to the third floor and you ring the doorbell since you don’t have your keys yet. You immediately recognize Harry’s British accent as he calls out a “coming!” from the other side of the door and a few seconds later it opens, revealing him.

Your first thought is that he is tall. Very tall and oh my! How handsome! His green eyes find your gaze and his dimples come out as he smiles at you happily. This man is surely a nice sight, you think to yourself, but you quickly bring yourself back to reality as he takes a look at all the stuff surrounding you.

“Y/N, why didn’t you call me that you were here? I could have helped you!” Taking a step outside he stretches his hand out for your dad. “Nice to meet ya, you must be Mr. Y/L/N. I’m Harry.”

“Nice to meet you,” your dad nods at him shaking his head before Harry grabs a box from the floor himself, holding the door open for you.

“Come on in!”

The three of you quickly bring everything inside from the hallway and you finally have a moment to look around. It’s not a big apartment, but seemingly perfect for two people. Walking in you have a small kitchen on the left and a little dining area on the right with a simple table and four chairs around it. Further inside is the living room, it’s nicely furnished very bright thanks to the large windows across the front door. On the left there’s a door that leads to the bathroom and on the right there’s a small hallway, two doors on each side. The two rooms are exactly the same size, so there was no need to have a discussion about who is getting which room. Not that you were gonna go against Harry when he literally saved your life with letting you stay with him.

The place seems tidy and neat, it’s clear that Harry takes good care of his home and that is for sure a relief.

Your room has a double bed, a desk with a chair, a dresser and a built in little closet. Everything is white or a light beige color, nothing extreme and you already have plans about how you want to decorate it to make it cozier.

“I left two shelves free for you out of the three. I have a few hair products, but I figured you’d need more space,” Harry tells you when you put a smaller box into the bathroom that has all your toiletries.

“Thank you, I appreciate it,” you smile at him.

Your dad sticks around a little longer helping you unpack some of the bigger boxes, then you walk him down to his car before he leaves.

“Please call your mother often. You know how much she worries about you,” he asks as he pulls you into a quick hug.

“Will do.”

“And call us anytime you need help. Two hours is not that far away, I can always come and get you.”

“I’ll be alright, dad, but thank you.”

You watch him climb into the car and he rolls down the windows waving in your way as he leaves from the parking lot. You stand there until he disappears on the corner and then go back up to your apartment.

Harry is sitting in the living room when you get back, some quiet music playing from the Bluetooth speaker as he reads a book. He glances up at you and you flash him a smile closing the door behind you.

“Your dad seemed quite okay with you living with a guy.”

“He had time to get used to it. They’re not that strict though.”

“That’s cool. I was thinking, maybe we could order some food when you’re done unpacking and just get to know each other a little more.”

“That sounds great!” you smile, but can’t ignore how fast your heart is beating in your chest. Harry surely has an effect on you that you’ll need to gain control over if you don’t want to make living together hard for yourself.

It takes quite some time to unpack everything and find the right place for your stuff, you don’t even finish by the time the food arrives so you decide to leave the rest for tomorrow.

The Chinese food is all set on the table when you walk out and Harry is getting two plates for the two of you.

“Settled in?” he asks as you take one of the chairs and he sits across you.

“Not fully, but I’m getting there,” you chuckle as he hands you your order. “Thank you.”

You talk over the food, just getting to know each other and you finally get a better picture of Harry. It’s his third year of college, he is studying music and pedagogy, intending to one day use music as a helping tool for kids who have learning difficulties. He is a big fan of collecting vinyls and quite passionate about trashy rom coms.

“Really?” you chuckle when he mentions how his Netflix queue is filled with romantic movies.

“Guilty pleasure,” he nods smirking.

You tell a little about yourself too and he seems genuinely interested, which feels nice. You would have hated if he found your interests boring and negligible, but that’s not the case.

“How come you couldn’t find a roommate for so long?” you ask the question that’s been in the back of your mind for quite a while now. Both of you are done eating and you’re cleaning up the table.

Nothing really stood out about Harry just yet, it’s quite a mystery for you why he couldn’t find someone to live with him.

“Well, you could say I’m a little picky in this field. Lived with my best mate first year, and though I absolutely love him, he was horrible to live with. Felt like his personal maid the whole time. When Niall moved in with his girlfriend and I had to move on my own I promised myself I would choose carefully. Lived with a PhD student last year, he was pretty great, but he moved out when he graduated, and I couldn’t really find someone I liked since then.”

“Glad I passed then,” you chuckle as you take the dishes and start washing them while Harry stands next to you, leaning against the edge of the counter.

“You seemed like a decent person to live with, I hope I won’t be wrong about that,” he chuckles, but you can tell he is still a little scared you might turn out to be a total asshole.

“Don’t worry, I won’t be too much trouble. I’m quiet like a mouse and clean up after myself.”

“That’s all that matters,” he smiles. “Alright, I have some things to finish, I’ll be in my room if you need help with anything.”

“Thank you, Harry.”

He waves in your way before disappearing in his bedroom.

You spend most of your Sunday unpacking what was left and running errands, buying groceries so you don’t have to go to the store every other day during the week. You occasionally meet Harry in the kitchen or the living room, but you both just do your own thing and it’s totally fine by you.

School starts quiet smoothly, Harry was kind enough to give you a rundown of where you’ll find your lecture halls so you don’t really get lost around campus, easily finding your way.

Friday afternoon you and Rita are sitting at a café near campus to discuss the first week of school. You don’t have any classes together, so only grabbed lunch two times all week, but didn’t have more than twenty minutes together before one of you had to run to a class. Now you are both comfortably sat in a booth with two cappuccinos and plenty of time to talk.

“So, how is living with Harry?” she curiously asks.

“He is great! Though we don’t meet that much. He has a band so he has practice three times a week, spends the rest of his time at home reading or watching TV.”

You ate dinner together twice this week, but you haven’t really had the courage to join him in the living room when he was watching TV. It sounds stupid but you figured maybe it would bother him if you were out there with him. And since he didn’t invite you either, you just stayed in your room mostly.

“Kimberly told me he is hot, is that true?” she asks with a smirk as she takes a sip from her hot drink. You immediately feel your cheeks heating up.

“Well, he surely is a good looking guy,” you breathe out.

“Lucky you! There’s not much of those in an all girls dorm,” she pouts and you chuckle. “So are you gonna make a move on him?”

“That’s not gonna happen,” you shake your head laughing.

“Why not?”

“Because we live together and if he rejects me that would be so awkward for the rest of our time living together.”

“But you can’t know for sure if he would reject,” she points out, but she can’t bring up one thing that would change your mind.

“It’s better not to take the odds. I don’t want to end up on the street.”

 As the days go by, things start to get busier in your everydays. Assignments and papers start to pile up so you have to start working on them if you don’t want to leave everything to the last moment. You become a regular in the library, the atmosphere is great for you to get into the flow and get a lot of work done.

It seems like Harry is in the same shoe, he is often in and out of the apartment, sometimes only spends home just a couple of minutes before he leaves again. However they slowly get accustomed to each other, learn the ways the other likes things and work up a schedule for things. Harry learns that Y/N likes to take a shower twice a day and washes her hair usually on Wednesdays and Sundays, so he doesn’t try to take too much time in the bathroom on those days. He also notices how she doesn’t have time to wash the dishes after herself on Thursdays when she just runs home to have a quick bite before she has to leave for another lecture, so they came to a silent agreement where Harry cleans up after her on Thursdays while she takes up on the dishes on Saturday when Harry leaves to band practice at eight.

They work well together and soon enough all of Harry’s doubts about Y/N fade into nothing and he realizes he has made the right choice with her.

Usually she stays at the library until seven on Mondays, but this week they are closing early because they are rearranging a whole department, so Y/N leaves a little after five. She pays a quick trip to the grocery store before she heads home. Opening up the door she immediately hears the music playing, one of Harry’s vinyls is twirling around in the record player and she hears the water running in the bathroom. Setting her bags on the counter she starts unpacking the groceries.

The music and the running water pushed the sound of her arriving down, Harry didn't realize that you were home early when he opens the bathroom door, singing to himself wearing absolutely nothing as he wants to go and grab a pair of clean underwear, but he is shocked to see you standing in the kitchen.

“Shit!” he snaps, hands immediately flying to cover himself as he sprints back to the bathroom quickly grabbing a towel to wrap around his waist.

Your cheeks are heating up immediately even though you didn’t see anything you weren’t supposed to, the counter top covered him just right above the critical line, but it’s the first time you’ve seen his upper body completely naked.

Even though it was just a spit second, the sight of his many tattoos and the defined V-line leading down to his crotch burned straight into your mind, leaving you flustered and shy all of a sudden.

“Sorry! I should have let you know I was coming home early!” you call out turning around, as if he was about to walk out naked again. Harry chuckles lightly as he returns, this time a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Don’t be silly, you don’t have to check in when you come home. It was my fault, I shouldn’t just walk around naked assuming you wouldn’t be home.”

You should, you think to yourself gulping as you turn around and dare to look at him again. You don’t see less than just a few seconds ago, his chest is glistening from the dampness, his curls are still wet and you are having a hard time not to stare at the tattoos on his lower stomach, so you busy yourself with the rest of your groceries as he walks into his room and returns in a pair of sweats and a white t-shirt.

“Any plans for the weekend?” he asks disappearing in the bathroom, but he leaves the door open and you hear him shuffle around, probably fixing up his hair. He uses some kind of mousse that keeps his curls perfectly and also happens to smell like mango and some kind of citrus.

“Um, not really.”

“We’re playing at this bar with the band, wanna come and watch us?” Walking out of the bathroom he switches the light off before walking to the couch and opening up his Netflix account on the TV. His invitation surprises you, but it also feels nice he wants you there.

“Oh, sounds fun! Can I bring someone?”

“Of course! I can have a table reserved for you, if you’d like,” he smiles at you before turning his attention to the screen.

“That would be great, thanks.”

You feel like after your little encounter it’s probably not the best day to join him at the TV, especially because you can’t stop yourself from blushing every time you look at him. The sight of his naked torso pops up in your mind every time and there’s no way you can just casually sit on the couch with him without your body lighting up on fire.

 Rita is excited when you tell her about the invitation, you don’t even have to convince her to go with you since she is dying to finally meet Harry. When he leaves in the early afternoon on Saturday he assures you that there’s gonna be a table reserved under your name, and off he goes to practice, leaving you alone for the rest of the day since he tells you he won’t be back before the concert tonight. Rita comes over around six and the two of you get ready together.

“You have to wear something spicy,” she wiggles her eyebrows at you while you sit at your desk applying mascara to your lashes.

“I don’t want to overdress, it’s just a bar.”

“Yeah, but Harry invited you. I bet he wants you to see him play.”

“Of course he wants, why else would he invite me?” you ask with furrowed eyebrows.

“You don’t get it,” she chuckles turning to you, hands on her hips. “He wants you to see him play because it feeds his ego. Maybe even turns him on.”

“Stop acting like there is anything between us. We are flatmates and that’s all.”

“I think he wants to be more, you’re just too pussy to make a move yourself,” she shrugs turning back to your closet.

“Stop calling me a pussy for not wanting to make it awkward for the two of us to live together. I’m pretty sure Harry doesn’t see me as anything more than just the person he lives with.”

“Then we have to change that. And I think this is the perfect dress for that.”

Rita pulls out a little black dress you bought about a year ago, but never really got around to wear it. It’s so tight, pushes your tits up way too much for your liking, you’re not even sure why you bought it in the first place.

“I’m not wearing that,” you shake your head.

“Are you afraid he might get a boner from you in it?”

“Rita!” you snap at her, but she just chuckles.

“Look, if you’re so sure he doesn’t want you like that, why does it matter what you wear?”

She has a point. It’s not like this dress will change anything and it would be nice to wear at least once in your life this stupid dress if you bought it.

Grabbing it from her hands you throw it to the bed and start undressing as she claps in victory.

You remembered right, the dress leaves close to nothing to the imagination when it comes to your figure. The fabric hugs your figure tightly, and you put on a lacy bralette that peeks out at the top of the dress, kind of covering some more from your skin, since the dress doesn’t do much in that field itself. Rita tries to convince you not to take a jacket, but you throw your denim jacket on, feeling the need to have something give you the slightest sense of being covered.

You arrive at the bar twenty minutes before the concert starts and it’s a good thing Harry reserved a table for you, because the place is packed. You’re not sure if it’s because of them or it’s just a regular Saturday evening.

The little stage is all set up, but you see no sign of Harry anywhere as the two of you settle at your table with a drink. Luckily, the bartender did not ask for an ID, he was too busy looking at your chest. At least there’s one good thing in this dress.

The drum set at the back has the name of the band on it and you smile reading it. The word ‘Stylish’ is printed on it with bold blue letters, referring to Harry’s last name, who is most likely the front man of the band.

The place is buzzing and the two of you enjoy being out at a bar concert. When the lights go down you finally spot him walking out of the back followed by a guy and two girls.

“Welcome, folks,” he greets the audience, his accent filling up the place over the chatters. A round of cheering answers him, making him smile. “Thank you for coming out tonight, we hope to entertain you in the next hour. Our name is Stylish and now let’s get down to business,” he smirks and just as he takes a step back from the mic, the band starts playing. Harry grabs a guitar himself before stepping back to the mic and then he starts singing.

They play a mixture of covers and original songs, the transition between them is so smooth you sometimes forget it’s a whole different song that’s playing. Harry is clearly enjoying the spotlight, his presence on the stage is so natural and capturing, you often catch yourself forgetting about the rest of the band.

One song follows the other and you don’t even realize how fast this hour passes by. Harry sometimes stops in-between songs, entertaining the audience with small jokes and just casually interacting with them.

“Our last song is up next, so let me take a moment to introduce the band,” Harry speaks into the mic while softly playing the guitar so it’s not completely quiet as he talks. “At the drums, the amazing and talented Sarah Jones!”

A round of applause fills the bar as Sara waves around smiling widely, before Harry moves on to the next member.

“Playing the piano, the wonderful Charlotte Clark!”

Charlotte plays a short melody on the keys matching up with what Harry has been playing, before she also waves at the audience.

“The guy who is a way better guitarist than me, Mitch Rowland.”

Harry’s comment makes the audience laugh and Mitch just nods shyly, a smile pulling on his lips under his mustache.

“And this handsome Brit who sometimes acts like a comedian,” Sarah starts leaning closer to her mic. “Harry Styles.”

It’s no surprise that Harry gets the biggest cheering and he smirks sweetly, his fingers still strumming on the guitar. The clapping and screaming slowly dies down and as Harry steps back to his mic they start the last song.

It’s quite an upbeat, funky song, you just can’t resist dancing around on your chair and seemingly Rita is enjoying herself as well, cheering with her beer in her hand. The song comes to an end and they all line up at the front of the stage bowing down together as the whole bar cheers on them as one person.

“Woah, this was… something else,” Rita breathes out once they disappear at the back and chatter fills up the place once again and the lights come back.

“They smashed it!” you nod in agreement. You figured they are good if they get asked to perform, but this was way beyond what you were expecting.

Looking around you are hoping to see Harry somewhere, but they must be celebrating somewhere at the back. Maybe he won’t even come out, you think to yourself as you finish up your beer.

“I’ll get us another round,” you tell Rita as you make your way to the bar.

There are quite a few people waiting to be served, so you squeeze yourself into the crowd and hope to get to the front soon.

“So how did you like it?”

You jump in surprise when you hear Harry’s voice coming from behind you, and turning around you see how close he is standing to you.

“Hi! I didn’t even see you sneak up on me,” you chuckle making him smile as he squeezes himself next to you. The two of you finally reach the front, but the bartender is serving someone a little on the left so you have to wait. “I loved it, you were like a proper rockstar up there!”

“Thanks,” he chuckles and his dimples show up on his cheeks. The bartender finally gets to you and Harry is quick to order for the both of you. “’S probably better if I place the order since you’re not twenty one just yet.”

“Didn’t have any problem ordering the first time,” you smirk smugly and Harry raises his eyebrows at you before his eyes wander down your body for a second.

“I bet you didn’t in this dress.”

Suddenly, you’re very aware of how daring your outfit looks, so out of reflex, you pull your jacket tighter on yourself, Harry’s smile quickly fades as he realizes that he made you uncomfortable with his comment.

“I meant that you look really pretty. Definitely makes you appear a little older though.”

“My friend wanted me to wear it, I would have been fine with something else,” you admit as the bartender places your order in front of you and Harry pays for the whole thing.

“Glad she convinced you,” he grins down at you and you can feel your cheeks heating up once again.

He helps you carry the drinks to the table and Rita quickly puts her phone away when she sees who you are returning with.

“Harry, this is my friend, Rita. Rita, this is Harry,” you introduce them and Harry shakes her head smiling.

“Nice to meet you,” he nods kindly.

“Oh, same goes for you,” Rita smirks and you roll your eyes at her.

“I’ll go get the rest of the band, do you mind if we join you guys here? There are no empty tables.”

“Sure,” you nod smiling before the crowd swallows Harry.

“For fuck’s sake, you have to make a move on him, Y/N!” Rita turns to you as soon as he is gone.

“Would you stop?” you chuckle.

“No! This dude is so hot I forget my name when I look at him! And you live with him! You can’t miss this chance, Y/N.”

“I’m not missing anything. We live together, it’s not worth it.”

“Not missing anything?” Rita looks at you as if you were mental. “You are literally missing everything!”

“I’m done with this conversation,” you tell him just when Harry appears again, this time with two of his bandmates, Sarah and Mitch are following him smiling, hand in hand.

“Charlotte had to leave early, but this is Sarah and Mitch,” Harry introduces them as they join the two of you at the table. “And this is my flatmate, Y/N and her friend Rita.”

You all shake hands as Harry sorts out the extra beers he has ordered so everyone has a drink on their hand.

It’s no surprise, but Sarah and Mitch prove themselves to be just as cool as they seemed up on the stage. And the best thing is that they don’t shy away from sharing funny stories that include Harry.

“So have you been looking for a new place to stay, Y/N?” Mitch jokes. “I’m sure you’ve had enough of Harry by now.”

“Very funny,” Harry laughs at his bandmate’s comment.

“To be honest it’s pretty fine so far. He is a pleasant person to share your home with,” you say with a soft chuckle.

“What’s one thing you hate about living with him?” Sarah asks and Harry pretends to be hurt over the question.

“Who said there’s anything she hates?”

“Shush, I was asking her!” she hushes at him making you laugh.

“I really can’t point out anything in particular. Maybe he has been very careful, luring me into believing that he is the perfect flatmate so I get stuck with him.”

You stay for a while, just chatting and having a good time until the bar starts to empty out and you decide it’s better if you head home as well.

“We have to take care of the equipment, are you leaving or do you want to wait for me?” Harry asks you.

“We’ll just call an Uber, don’t worry about it,” you smile at him.

“Alright, see you at home.”

You say goodbye to Sarah and Mitch and part your ways with them as you and Rite head outside.

“I hope you noticed how Harry was looking at you,” Rita smirks at you when the two of you are sitting at the back of the Uber.

“What are you talking about?” you sigh leaning your head against the seat.

“I caught him staring at you quite a few times.”

“He was just probably looking at me when I was talking. Don’t try to talk something into it that’s not true.”

“Alright, I’ll stop,” she replies holding up her hands. “But I still think you are missing out on some amazing dick.”

You awkwardly glance at the driver who is hearing everything you say, but Rita seemingly doesn’t mind that you’re not alone.

“You know what? We should give Tinder a try.”

“What? Why?”

“If you don’t want to make a move on your hot flatmate, we need to get some satisfaction from others.”

“I’m fine, thanks.”

“Oh, you are not,” she chuckles. “But you will be when you match with the hottest guys on campus.”

You let Rita believe that she convinced you to sign up for Tinder, but you get out of the car with the intention of never downloading the app, like ever.

Walking into the apartment you grab a clean, oversized t-shirt and a pair of panties since your sleeping shorts are all dirty, but you were planning to do the laundry tomorrow. You decide it’s not a big deal and the shirt will probably cover enough of your body.

You take a quick shower to get off the thick smell of the bar that’s stuck on your skin, taking your time moisturizing yourself once you’re done. When you get dressed you see that the shirt does cover your bum, but if you lifted your arms up it surely shows a big portion of your ass, so you’ll have to be careful if Harry arrives.

You’re lounging on the couch watching a rerun of House M.D. and scrolling through your phone when Harry arrives.

“Hey there, rockstar!” you greet him teasingly and he just chuckles shyly.

“Is it gonna be my new nickname?”

“Well, you really were one tonight, so I think yes,” you nod making him laugh. Walking further inside his eyes stop on your bare legs and he is quick to notice that you’re not wearing any pants, like you usually do. You immediately tug on the end of the shirt to cover more of your skin, but it’s not really working.

“Ehm, I’ll go and take a quick shower,” he informs you before disappearing in his room first and then rushing into the bathroom.

Looking down at your attire you decide it’ll be better if you threw on some sweats. Harry clearly got a little uncomfortable seeing you so bare, so it’s better to cover up. You’ll just take them off when you go to bed.

Harry doesn’t take too long in there, and when he joins you on the couch you are pretty sure he took a cold shower since no steam followed him when he left the bathroom. His eyes flicker to your now covered legs, but he doesn’t say anything, just makes himself comfortable next to you.

“You like it?” he asks nodding at the TV.

“Yeah, he is such an asshole, but it’s funny,” you huff. “Hey, I took a few pictures tonight. Wanna see if you like any of them?”

“Sure,” he nods pushing himself up a little as you unlock your phone and show him the photos you took of him and the band while performing.

Some of them ended up really cool, you were able to catch the lights and their movements just the right way, especially one stands out where he was holding out a note, basically screaming into the mic, he really looks like a rockstar on that one.

“Can you send me this one?”

“Done,” you smile at him and glancing over you see that he opens the Instagram app on his phone. You watch him crop and adjust it a little bit, then tag his bandmates and finally, he posts it.

“Wow, this is the first picture on your page with you actually on it,” you tease him.

“So you’ve been stalking my profile?” he smirks at you.

“I wanted to check you out before I moved in, but your social media was no help in that.”

“Yeah, I’m not a fan of posting that much, but this was a cool picture.”

“It’s an honor to know that I took the first one featuring you.”

“Actually, this is the second one, but it is the first one where my face is visible,” Harry tells you before turning his attention back to the TV, but the gears start to turn wildly in your mind, trying to remember which picture could be the other one.

Later, when you’re lying in your bed with your door closed, you pull up his profile and stat scrolling down. Most of the pictures fall out, because they have absolutely no trace of any human being on them. But then you stop at the one that features a black silhouette of a man, the one you thought wasn’t him.

Opening up you tap on the tag and see that it leads to Mitch’s profile, but now that you’ve met him, you’re pretty sure it’s not him in the picture. So you take a closer look and as you go over the small details, like the line of his neck, how wide his shoulders are and the untamed curls, you soon realize that it is indeed Harry in the photo.

You push down a moan when realization sets in, because that means that you’re staring at the naked silhouette of Harry and it immediately starts a fire between your legs.

“Jesus,” you whisper as you let yourself stare at the photo a little longer. You weren’t expecting it, but it’s surely making you feel some kind of way.

Locking your phone you throw it to your nightstand before you bury your head into your pillow. You have to press your thighs together quite tightly to make the throbbing sensation stop so you can finally fall asleep. Well, it takes some time before that happens and it’s quite torturous.

  Unlike how you planned, Rita finally gets you to download Tinder and give it a try. She helps you set up your profile, and though at first it feels incredibly awkward, you slowly adjust to being out there on the virtual market.

You start swiping left and right whenever you are bored during classes or you’re having a break from studying. Your matches start to pile up and soon enough you start getting messages as well. You reply to the ones you like or find funny and creative, giving them a chance, but not many end up going too far. Somehow the conversations always die down and you lose interest in the person.

Only one guy gets as far as asking you out and getting a yes as an answer. Jordan is a physics major and seemed like a nice and funny guy through the messages, good-looking too, so you decided to give it a go.

So Friday evening you dolled yourself up, put on a nice blouse with your favorite skinny jeans and black heels, ready to head out to your first ever Tinder date.

As you walk out of your room you find Harry in the kitchen in his basketball shorts and a simple black t-shirt making himself a cup of tea. The shorts are hanging low on his waist and as he reaches up to get the hones from the cupboard you get a glimpse of the soft skin on his lower waist. You quickly look away before you could have any further thoughts about what else is under the waistband of his shorts.

“Oh, where are you heading all dressed up?” he asks, eyebrows raised.

“I actually have a date,” you admit nervously as you grab your keys and put it away in your purse.

“Lucky guy,” he smiles and you can feel your cheeks heating up again. There’s just something in the way he compliments you, it makes your knees go jelly.

“Thanks. I’ll see you later? I’m not sure when I’ll be back,” you tell him grabbing your jacket from the hanger next to the front door.

“Have fun,” he nods before you walk out.

 Jordan proves himself to be quite frankly the same guy you got to know through messages. He takes you to this Mexican themed bar and you are just chatting over some exciting looking cocktails, but you find yourself zoning out sometimes.

What is Harry doing right now? Is he staying at home? I should have asked if he had any plans. Maybe he is hooking up with someone right now.

You find yourself thinking about way more than you probably should and it’s making you lose your shit. So maybe this is why, or because Rita told you to just go with the flow, but when Jordan asks if you want to go up to his place you say yes.

It’s as awkward and bad as you were expecting, unfortunately. There’s a reason why you don’t hook up with every random guy you go out with once. You are totally on different pages, but when you are lying under him on his bed, you just know there’s no way out.

It’s not that he forces you, because you’re sure he would have stopped if you asked, but it would be so awkward to just walk out because you weren’t feeling the vibe. So at least one of you should enjoy it.

You should deserve an Oscar for that orgasm you fake, it’s so believable. Jordan doesn’t seem to notice that you felt absolutely nothing, just frustration and impatience, he tries to make you stay the night, but you save yourself with a lie that you have to wake up early in the morning so it’s best if you head home.

Your frustration just grows on your way home. You were really hoping to get laid tonight, so maybe that could stop you from fantasizing about Harry, because your thoughts have been wild since you found out that he is the one on that Instagram picture. It doesn’t help that he has been walking around shirtless quite a lot.

Shameful or not, you even touched yourself once thinking about him. You were home alone after a particularly boring day so you thought you’d just get yourself off. Before you could realize where your thoughts have wandered, you were moaning his name as you came hard. You couldn’t look into his eyes that day when he came home, he probably thought you were nuts, basically running away from him.

It’s almost midnight when you get back home, you were expecting Harry to be asleep by now since he has band practice in the morning, but you are surprised to see light coming from his room. As you close the front door, kicking your heels off he walks out, of course, without a shirt, his glorious body on full display.

“Hey, how was your date?” he asks as you step to the fridge to get yourself something to drink. You’ve been so damn thirsty since Jordan was… done with you, you could have asked for some water at least, but you just wanted to leave as fast as possible.

“Ugh, don’t even ask,” you whine, leaning against the counter.

“That bad?”

“Worse,” you roll your eyes and Harry chuckles softly.

“Come on, it couldn’t be that bad if you came home so late.”

“Well, it did start off nice, but I shouldn’t have said yes when he asked if I wanted to go to his place.”

“Oh.”

“Worst sex of my life, I wanted out the moment we arrived, to be honest,” you honestly say, feeling a little weird that you’re talking to Harry about it, but you just want to get it off your chest.

“Then why didn’t you just leave?”

“Dunno, I just… I was hoping for just a little satisfaction, but I guess I asked for too much,” you sigh finishing up your water and you walk past him with the intention to grab your pajamas and have a shower that would wash away the happenings of the night, but Harry’s voice stops you.

“Not everything is lost just yet.” Turning around you give him a puzzled look.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He bites into his bottom lip and lets his eyes travel down your body, his intent gaze sends a shiver down your spine. When his eyes return to your gaze your heart is wildly beating against your chest.

“I mean that… I can make you feel good, if you want.”

Your mouth hangs open and your eyebrows shoot up at the blunt offer he just made. At first you’re not even sure you heard him right, but as you replay his words you realize that you indeed heard him crystal clear.

“Are you messing with me right now?” you ask, feeling like it’s all just a joke. He did not just offer to satisfy you because you complained to him about how bad your date was.

Harry takes a few steps closer to you, a small smirk tugging on his lips.

“Not really. You want to get off and I would love to be the one to help you with it.”

“But… we live together,” you say and realize how stupid this just sounded, but you hope he gets what you were trying to say.

“So? Does that mean we can’t fuck?”

The way he said that makes your legs go weak for sure. You’ve been fantasizing about things similar to this, but those were nowhere near to actually hear him propose the idea of fucking.

“But… it’ll be weird, won’t it?”

“Only if we make it.”

He walks closer, closing the distance between the two of you and he cups your cheek in his hand as his eyes flicker down to your lips.

“Harry…” you breathe out, but you already know you gave in. There’s no way you can say him no, not after weeks of dreaming about the exact same thing.

“Just stop thinking,” he tells you before pressing his lips against yours.

He kisses you hard and you gladly let his tongue push into your mouth within a second, kissing him back with the same passion. You wrap your arms around his neck as his hands travel down on your sides until they reach your ass and they give it a bold squeeze, making you moan into his lips. You feel him grin as his hands move over to your thighs and he urges you to jump and so you do, wrapping your legs around his waist.

Though you keep your eyes closed, kissing him hard, you can tell he brings you to the couch, laying you down to your back, holding himself up above you. He starts kissing down your jawline and neck, sucking and biting on the sensitive skin. His hands grab the hem of your shirt and you lift yourself up a bit so he can pull it off, throwing it away to somewhere behind the couch. While his lips are sucking on your breasts wherever they are bulging out from the lacy bra, his hands work fast on your jeans, undoing the button and the zipper, tugging them down until you can just kick them right off.

“Matching set? You were really counting on having a good time tonight,” he mumbles against your tummy as he kisses his way down on your body.

His right hand reaches up and cups your breast before it slides under you and easily unclasps your bra. You quickly slide the straps off and throw it to the side, so now you are lying under him only in your panties, whimpering and panting at every kiss he leaves on your body.

“What do you want, Y/N?” he hums glancing up at you, sitting between your legs as he slides just one finger over your soaking wet panties, running it along your throbbing center.

“Fuck, I want you,” you breathe out.

“How exactly do you want me?”

“Jesus, just eat me out, Harry!” you shamelessly moan and he smugly smirks before he hooks his fingers into your panties and pulls them down, throwing it to the ground.

Now you’re lying completely naked in front of him, and he pushes your knees farther apart, looking down at you with lustful eyes.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do this,” he growls as he gets closer and without a warning, he licks into you.

You moan in sensation as he starts sucking on your clit, his tongue working perfectly against your bud. Your hands find their way into his hair and you grab a handful of it in each. Oh, how many times you’ve thought about doing this!

“Harry!” you cry out when you feel him push a finger into you, slowly pumping it in and out a few times before he adds another to it. He quickly picks up his pace as he keeps sucking on your clit, getting you closer to your orgasm with every lick.

“Fuck, I’m so close!” you moan, your chest rising and falling rapidly as you struggle to even breathe.

“Cum for me, baby,” he mumbles against your wet clit and just a few more pumps later you came, screaming his name.

“Fucking hell, Harry!” you breathe out when he climbs up on you smirking.

“You think you can handle another one?” he asks, pecking your lips softly. Looking down you see how hard he is and even if you were on the verge of dying you would have said yes. There’s no way you let him get up from this couch unsatisfied after the orgasm he just gave you.

Instead of saying anything, you push on him until he is sitting on the couch and you have your knees on his sides.

“I think you are a little overdressed, aren’t you?” you ask teasingly as you bring a hand down to his erection, cupping it through his shorts and underwear.

Harry cranes his neck so his lips could meet yours again as he lifts his hips up, pushing his shorts down along with his boxers. You sit back down to his lap and his erection presses against your wet folds making you moan into his mouth.

“Do you want me to suck you off?” you ask breathlessly, but Harry shakes his head.

“I would last, I just want to fuck you,” he growls and you swear to God that was the hottest thing you’ve ever heard.

“Condom, we need a condom,” you tell him, still kissing his lips.

You get off him and he quickly runs into his room, shortly returning with a condom between his teeth. He rips the package on his way and falls back to the couch, rolling it on carefully. When he is done you swing your leg over him and get on top again, holding onto his broad shoulders. He grabs the base of his cock and lines himself up to your center and you give yourself a moment to admire his naked beauty right in front of you.

You look into his sparkling eyes and leaning down you kiss him hard as you slowly ease down to his length, his cock slowly filling you up fully.

“Oh fuck!” he moans at the feeling of you around him. His fingers dig deep into your waist as you stay still for a few moments, adjusting to his length. “You alright?” he asks breathlessly. Your eyes meet his and you nod a little before you start moving.

It takes a few moments to find the right pace and get yourself comfortable, but when you finally do, you just can’t stop. His hands are on your ass as he guides your hips a little and you feel the rings on his fingers against your heated skin. He buries his face into your neck nibbling and kissing on the soft skin wherever he reaches.

“Fuck, you look so fucking hot, Y/N,” he grunts when you let your head fall back, feeling your orgasm slowly building up again.

“Harry, I’m gonna cum again,” you pant, picking up a faster pace, desperate for release.

“Cum for me, baby. Let me make you feel good!” he moans wrapping his arms around you as he holds you still, stopping you from moving, but instead he starts thrusting into you, his cock buries so deep into your pussy, your eyes roll back into your head from the feeling.

“Yes! Don’t fucking stop!” you scream as he keeps fucking you hard.

It doesn’t take too long until you fall completely apart and cum again, your legs basically turning into jelly. Just a few thrusts later Harry cums as well, thrusting deep into you a few more times as he moans into your neck.

You lie completely numb on him, his fingers gently stroking your naked back as you try to come back to reality. When you lean back and your eyes meet again you are still speechless.

“I’ve literally wanted it since the day you walked into this place,” he admits with a soft chuckle.

“Really?” you giggle shyly.

“Oh, really. Seeing you around, sometimes without a bra under your shirt completely killed me most of the time.”

Your cheeks are heating up, you didn’t think he noticed when you weren’t wearing a bra.

“Don’t be so shy, you have amazing tits, you are not allowed to wear a bra anymore around here,” he teases you grinning as you laugh and leaning down you kiss him shortly.

“I had quite a few fantasies about you too,” you admit making him raise his eyebrows.

“Really?”

“Mhm, especially after you walked out of the bathroom naked, even though I didn’t even see your dick then.”

Harry chuckles lightly as he pushes his hair back from his forehead, resting his head against the back of the couch.

“So…” you shyly start, ”what now?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that… we live together and we just fucked. What does this mean for the future?”

“Well, I thought that next time we could do it the right way. I could take you out on a proper date, and then fuck you on the kitchen counter.”

You laugh at how blunt he is, but you love the idea he just proposed.

“Okay. Sounds fine by me.”

[midday0nightmares]

27 - pry on the weak (m).

Previous chapter in your arms (m).

m.list.

warnings: this series contains themes of yandere\mafia, blood, violence, mental health, drugs, non-con.

author note: this is pure fiction and it is not intended to romanticize any of the situations mentioned bellow.

The door was shut, it won’t open, it was cemented on every side expat for the small slit under it, you try knocking, shout for someone, anyone, but to no avail.

you try the window, it opens, but the sight is even scarier. The city is quiet, too quiet. No traffic in its usually busy streets, every window in the near buildings were closed, no birds in the sky, not a single sign of life, even the sun seems stuck in its place, time isn’t moving.

Outside the closed door, you can hear muffled sounds, you peak under the door and see the familiar white socks on a pair of feet moving around the room, it’s jaemin. you shout and scream for him, but he doesn’t even flinch, he just keeps going through his day. 

You were forgotten, lost forever in his room.

You jolt out of the claustrophobic nightmare, everything around you looks sound and in its right place, including jaemin, who’s sleeping next you, it was a nightmare.. you didn’t think that a nightmare would have the audacity to visit you while you were sleeping in his arms.

You snuggle closer to him, too close, not minding if he wakes up right now, it would be ideal if he can listen to you telling him about the rude nightmare and sho It away..  

.

.

.

He buckles under your pleads, 

“fine.. you can come too”  

The high pitched squeal you let out almost made him change his mind.

You wore a simple, body fitting black dress, a safe choice, you walked to the living room where jaemin was waiting for you, he was wearing a black suit, the black trousers making his long legs look extra inviting.

Jeno whistle from behind you when you spun to show jaemin your outfit, you roll your eyes at his ungentlemanly behavior, 

But the way jaemin’s eyes were shinning, and the compliment “you look beautiful” made your heart flutter, but the butterflies were shot dead when jeno’s hand landed on your ass in a sharp slap.

You link arms with jaemin and make the short trip to the door across the hallway to chenle apartment, the door was open, you were welcomed by upbeat classical music, not what you’ve expected.

Inside, the apartment looked like an entire house by itself, it was three times bigger than your apartment, the atmosphere was intimidating, everyone looked expensive and beautiful, there was three type of guests, men, gorgeous women, and you. 

Bite sized appetizers and trays of champion were being served along side an open bar at the corner, chandeliers were hanging off the ceiling and the big glass door opens to the terrace.

Your heart sunk and your stomach turned over inside of you. You cling to jaemin’s arm when you spot that face, haechan’s face.he approaches you and they all greeted each other, you keep looking else where, doing your best to ignore him. 

“Hey man! Long time no see.. what are you doing here? You know chenle?” Yes good question jaemin, what is he doing here?

“Yeah yeah..” He leans closer and lowers his voice “he’s one of my top clients” he gestures to the tens of girls around.. and it clicks in your head that they were all escorts, brought by haechan, they were his girls. you didn’t even try to hide the look of disgust that was showing on your face.

“Hey handsome” a tall, brunette, doll like girl throws her arms around jeno, “haven’t seen you in a while” she seamlessly pout. He giggles and turns into a harmless puppy in her hands, she must be one of haechan girls too, of course he will pay for company, who would want to spend time with him.

Your attention turns back to the hushed conversation between haechan and jaemin,

 “… no, his father is the of a one the leaders of the Chinese communist party, powerful man. and he’s the sole hire of multiple companies” haechan says.

“What is he doing here?” Jaemin asks. 

 “don’t know.. but based on what I have heard, he’s not staying for long..” haechan cuts himself as soon as he notice your interest in their conversation, “And how have you been doing sweet thing?”

oh the rage that went through you, you wished you could claw his eyes out, your distain is loud on your features. jaemin’s hand reach and hold yours, giving you a gentle squeeze, silently apologizing for breaking his promise of not having to see haechan again. 

And of course Hacehan is anything but dumb, he reads your mood and turns back to jaemin “come, I want you to meet someone” .. “haa you never stop working, don’t you?” Jaemin let go of your hand and slips deeper into the crowd, leaving you standing awkwardly next to jeno and his baby.

You stomp with no destination in mind. you look around, amazed by everything, but you feel misplaced, the looks that were thrown your way, you didn’t belong here and everyone knew it, there was an underlining screech the luxuries mood.

You catch the back of jaemin’s head through the crowd, an unsuspected punch of something was delivered to your heart, throwing your mood completely off. he’s with a group of giggly girls, practically drooling over them.  

you regret insisting on coming with him.. you should have known, but it’s too late now, you look else where and meet the sister eyes of haechan staring at you. he winks at you, you throw him the dirtiest look you have and move out of his sight line.

You pick a glass of champagne and lean against the wall, tipping the tall glass and drinking it in one go, and another.. starting to feel better. Chenle’s bright hair stands between the crowds, he gracefully moves around greeting everyone, you didn’t notice before but he’s quit charming.. he catches you staring at him and smile at you, rising his glass towards you, you fumble almost dropping your half empty glass.. when you mange to get a grip on yourself and rise your glass he had already return to his conversation. 

“Hello, mind if I join you?” The stranger man stands next to you even before you could’ve answered him, “what’s your name?” He looks like he was operating on twice the normal human energy, fidgeting and unable to stay still for more than three seconds, his smile twitches, the look in his eyes is frantic.. his pupils are blown, he’s on something. 

He speaks again before you can answer “hi Im yangyang, what’s your name?” why does his friends have wired names? 

You watch him like he was a train wreck happing in slow motion, “here try this” he hands you one of the two glass he was holding in his hands, a pink cocktail with raspberry, you smile politely and take the drink, he stares at you with his frozen smile.. but something behind you catches his attention, he kinda looks like a cat, just like that he leaves as fast as he came, he’s kinds cute.

You move to the open terrace for some fresh air, the breeze flowing through your hair, you zone out as you watch the city lights.. a hand graze the small of your back brings you back, you jump in surprise. “sorry didn’t mean to scare you” chenle apologize, placing a tall glass of champion in front of you, his round cheeks flushed, he looks breathtaking in this proximity, or maybe it’s just the alcohol in your system.. 

“To be honest sera, Im a little offended” he confess, your eyes grow double the size “offended.. why?”, 

he gives you sad puppy eyes and looks around “you don’t seems to enjoy my party”.. 

“oh no, I do. Your house is very beautiful and everything looks amazing” you try to convince him but he’s not buying it, you just give up and sigh, “im just tired” looking down to the busy streets..

He hums “tired or jealous?” Pointing at jeno who was too busy sucking that girl’s face, you roll your eyes and chenle laughs.

 “im not” you bring the glass to your lips, drinking more, a pathetic attempt to suppress whatever have been twisting your insides. 

Someone calls for him cutting your interaction short, “Alright.. well if you need anything come find me” he says before leaving you. You stay at your spot, distracting yourself with silly thoughts while the party behind you was growing wilder.

Your stomach growls, you feel sick and about to throw up.. heat rising through you, you sweat and feel lightheaded, you must have had too much to drink you are not used to it.

You stumble inside and through the crowded room, looking for the closest bathroom before it’s too late, haechan grabs your arm “sera.. are you ok?” His voice is far away although he’s standing next to you, you yanking your arm out of his hold “don’t touch me..”,

The room starts spinning, you hold the wall for support, after that it all went dark.

.

.

.

When you came back and opened your eyes, you were laid in a bed, the strong cologne filling your noise, upsetting your empty stomach. For a minute you don’t remember where you are or what had happened, the unfamiliar bedroom doesn’t ring any bills, your head is pounding, threatening to explode you move too much, you try to get up but a sharp pain shots through you, your hips feels like they were dislocated, your thighs bruised and had blood on them, your pulled up dress and torn underwear, it all indicates to one thing. 

You mange to hold yourself through the initial shock, not breaking down. With a plan to find jaemin you fix your dress to cover your exposed breast, you force yourself up, picking up your discarded heal off of the floor. You limb your way out of the room, the party has quite down, it has turned to something else.. 

everyone looked like a living zombie, you look for jaemin, you open every door on your way, you open a door to a bedroom, and you see group of men gathered over a passed out girl, watching them felt like an outside body experience, like you were rewatching yourself. They were unfazed by your presences as they continue their assult.. 

you close the door to the hellish scene, you keep looking for him but he’s nowhere to be found.

You reach the main area, being met by jeno and haechan snorting whit powder of the coffee table, surrounded by loopy girls.. jeno tries to grab you, to pull you down with them but you escape his claw like hand.

You can’t take this anymore, you were starting to crumble. you did’t feel safe anymore. you head to the door and walk out, you seek the comfort of a familiar surroundings, their apartment, a hot shower, clean clothes, your bed.. but you don’t have a key and you don’t know the passcode, you try random combinations but nothing works, the door stays closed, duff to your cries.

You break down, tears streaming your face, you give up on the door and slid to the ground, leaning against the wall you sit alone in the hallway waiting for jaemin’s return.