#and reinforce the idea of internalized homophobia

[gnashingwailing]

Kept notes on a reread I was doing of The Art of Love and War because I am so obsessed with the gay little borrower darkfic... sharing with u @fireflywritesgt

it falls apart at ch12 because that is where i consistently turn into a puddle under my covers kicking my legs and making sounds only audible to shrimps.

I HOPE THIS IS A SMALL TOKEN OF APPRECIATION FOR HOW GUD THIS FIC IS, SINCERELY... LIKE I SAID PUTTING THIS IN SOMEBODY'S INBOX IS PROBABLY A WAR CRIME. SO.

There is soooo muuuuch I want to saaaay. I did a reread and excuse my being verbose but.

Ch10 where Harry reads about how tinies don’t ask for things and prefer to do favors for them — how extra insulting that makes his message in Ch1!! “Just ask” no wonder Joe was so pissed!!

ALSO him feeling “dirty, somehow” about accepting chocolate that didn’t kill him… was he having a little bit of feelings for “the kind man” and it got transmuted into self-loathing… 😭 oh internalized homophobia tag we’re really in it now…

Re: ch2 I would kill for Joe’s pov of this… I’m also so fascinated to pick up the detail that Joe apparently talked to himself regularly, for Harry to hear him through the radiator pipes… one assumes Joe doesn’t have guests. Poor guy! He’s really smart! He likes talking! The assistant job is perfect for himmmm.

Re: ch3, i wonder how much Captain Calloway’s “if you die it’s your own damn fault” has influenced Joe’s life ethos of fucking around and finding out (btw… Harry would be sooo horrified to know Joe had been poisoned 3 times and still tried that chocolate 😭 yet another fun! anecdote of his) … im also kinda curious about Gutters. What’s that guy’s deal. And OF. COURSE. How Captain got all his injuries. It’s also so very sad he feels this tension with the guys, what they’d do to him if they knew more about who he really was. I love this as a metaphor for homophobia…

Ch5 I’m still fixated on the giants who are guarding the place. Hundreds of tinies going there every day… you’d think there’d be snatchers all over the place 👀 and the other great worldbuilding… lab tinies… “they were corralling everyone everywhere and the women and kids went one way…” GOD. also them building tiny capitalism plus tiny race science is just 😭😭😭 noooo… the way Harry reinforces their shared dignity and humanity by showing genuine interest in Joe’s art.. ouuuugh it hits every time.

ALSO I WAS SO SUSPICIOUS OF HILL WHEN I FIRST READ CH6 BUT NOW THST I KNOW HE IS A BONA FIDE WIFEGUY ALL IS REDEEMED. I AM so curious as to why he keeps tiny town schematics in his office if he dislikes it…

Ch7 profoundly funny to me how Hill is like “miniature is the academic term” and Joe is like what. Tinies.

I really appreciate how Harry started off having some uh. Idk. Colonizer savior complex stuff + noble savage ideas about Joe? Like “oh it’s in mother nature’s hands whether he survives then… I see…” as if the tinies social constructs about Pets are some immutable fact of nature instead of. A social construct !! It’s really well-done, how you show him gradually understanding that he needs to listen to Joe, not assume he knows what’s best for him just because he read a 50yr old anthropology book!! It makes me love Harry all the more that he managed to grow through it out of fondness for Joe 🥺

AND OF COURSE. THE G/T GOODNESS. My god. I loooooove that Joe is so creeped out by giants that he has to keep his eyes closed to stomach it… just feels. Hmm. Realistic?? It would be so overwhelming. I love that his trust gets rewarded with the doctor not hurting him…

The rapport they establish being based on talking to one another… it’s just suuuuch a perfect central theme for this story… Joe being able to tame Harry’s anger by reminding him of Joe’s own humanity. “Please don’t do that, doc. This is mean. You’re being mean.” And “you’re treating me like I’m not even… not even…” UGH. RENT FREE IN MY HEAD, WARREN. “Maybe he could do it; maybe he could sit in the same room as a giant for five minutes. He would only have to do it once, and then he would never have to do it again, he reasoned.” Bitch u thought… get loved and cared for idiot…

Joe asking him “why not”, echoing Harry’s words that stuck with him…

And then him being sooo pissed at the phone it’s just absolutely amazing stuff. Wagging his finger at it/Dr Hill lmaooo. I was hootin and hollerin when I realized this foreshadows him being the assistant!!! He can talk on the phone just fine!!!!

His legs threatening to give way from the prospect of Harry seeing him at ground level after he escapes using the phone receiver… ouuugh. It’s SO GOOD. He’s come such a long way…

“Touching every wooden beam he passed for good luck” is INCREDIBLY cute mental imagery.., he’s happy… poor guy has awful luck tho so Harry is just pissed 😭 HIM NEARLY DESTROYING THE PLATES BECSUSE HARRY SCARED HIM SO BAD HAD ME FEELING.. SOME KIND OF WAY…

Ch8 also has the first mention of Joe’s books… I’m sooo curious where he got these.. did he perhaps make them…? 👀 YEAH HARRY SHOULD FEEL LIKE A MONSTER THO. YOU TERRORIZED A LIL MOVIE STAR!!! HE ONLY BROKE A FEW THINGS… Making him hide under his covers like he saw a monster… 😭

I love their first god awful handshake lmao. Incredible subversion of the usual g/t first meetings… Joe’s just like OK 👋 NOW GET THAT THANG OUTTA HERE

And then Joe going “I know about that!” Joe protested, his voice growing stronger. “It’s up to me, doc. If it happens, it happens and it’ll be my own damn fault.” … something tells me when Harry finally comes to understand Joe’s recklessness with his own life and what feelings about its worth may be underpinning that, he will be so sad 😔

Joe losing his toes to frostbite… realizing that could very likely be from when he was kidnapped and enslaved with O’Grady… uuuugh he’s so brave to want to connect with anybody at all let alone with Harry!!

Ch9 professor wifeguy moments… yesss… I love that he wants to hang out with another tiny too 😭 Joe is making friends!! I can’t wait to find out about Lorraine and what “other place” she knows about!!! Lmfao I can tell she’s going to be incredible just from the little bit Joe hears of her. I wonder too if she’s been marked… aahhh I’m so excited to learn more about these two. How interesting of a parallel, too, that Harry noted Dr Hill might also be a former soldier… something-something folks unable to fully integrate into society finding and building community with each other…

Also PROFOUNDLY interested to note on a reread that the tiny town on his wall says “a SAFE place to be” and the one in Riverdale said “a CIVILIZED place to be” 😬 a damn prison indeed… I also really wonder just HOW the tinies are paying their rent(?) to stay there, if they’re all as disdainful of “borrowing” as a career as O’Grady seems to be…

MAY I JUST NOTE that Joe stimming around is sooo charming to me. He’s kickin’ his legs. He’s pacing back and forth. He’s doing something like that in the walls when Harry was first listening to him. I LOVE HIM.. aND I love how this chapter we see him going from “that tall bastard (derogatory)” to “that tall bastard (amused)”

AND POOR JOE ON THE MOST CURSED FIELD TRIP IMAGINABLE. There is much to love here but I absolutely adore this imagery: “Joe buried himself in the curtain as the doctor, dressed to the nines in his work clothes and vaguely resembling a horse in a brown suit, sidled over to him and towered there and seethed.” HE’S TERRIFIED 😭 and Joe learns that other people value his wellbeing more than he does… wow Joe no need to ponder that any further until Ch15!!!

There’s SO much incredible prose in this chapter… the haaaaands oh my god the hands. The tinies are on the order of 2-3 inches tall, right? You really get a vivid sense of how big and dangerous everything is to them… absolutely A+ stuff.

This part also slays me everytime I think about it: “Joe was hidden inside [the pocket], and the thought of how unhinged his dear neighbour must look to his fellow giants as he walked and talked gave him no small amount of delight.” HE WOUUUULD.

The mystery of just what Joe created as a boy… what he can’t find it in himself to articulate… why he can hardly fathom talking about himself and his inner world to anyone …

PART 10… the difference in the way Joe confronts Harry here vs with the assistant in part 16 is somehow heartbreaking to me. I think the anger must just be displacement for how he’s really feeling (worried, uncomfortable…) and he’s more able to show his feelings to Harry with the assistants than he is now… but Joeeeee. I don’t ever want him to feel hopeless with Harry, like he just has to accept whatever he wants 😭 I love him in this chapter… Arms crossed, eyes narrowed… red faced… clawing at the air as he ranted Jdhdhdj GOD HE’S SO ICONIC: ““Nope. Not gonna happen! Veto!” Joe leapt up from the box, strode all the way to the edge of the table, and jabbed a finger at him. “I don’t know what kind of sick, twisted doctor things you intend to do to people but whatever it is, it’s not happening in my house!”” I guess I want him to still be comfortable with yelling veto at Harry lmao!!

And then Joe being like WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU SAVING ME THE OTHER DAY. THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME, A WILD AND INDEPENDENT TINY WHO HAD IT ALL UNDER CONTROL, AT ALL.

ALSO: the way he words this, I have a strong suspicion he does not know the word “patients”?! “”Let’s make a deal in exchange for patients. Give me something in exchange for patients.” Joe stammered. “You do that and I won’t make any trouble.””

Harry thinking of Joe as “the little bastard” in counterpoint to Joe’s “the tall bastard” really makes me smile too, hahahah.

AND THE FURTHER G/T TROPE INVERSION… just because he was willing to get in the giant’s hands one time doesn’t mean he’s suddenly fine with it!! I love how pissed they are at each other over this misunderstanding lmfao. He’s 👏 a 👏 wild 👏 tiny 👏 ‼️

And it’s so meaningful to me that the two of them bond more over sharing art with one another… Harry wants to introduce Joe to an amazing piano player… and Joe is so happy!!! The idea for a Charlie Chaplin bit with a rich miniature woman is SO inspired btw, I was as delighted as Joe was 😭 Harry being like “oh shit wait is this offensive” and then Joe just being like “THIS FUCKS SO HARD LMAO IT REALLY DO BE LIKE THAT”

And then the tragic aftermath… Harry NOTICING that he didn’t even know that he was doing anything wrong by bringing Joe there, it just FELT so dreadfully taboo (enough that Hill, who is MARRIED TO A TINY, also seems like he’s been caught doing something wrong when Harry first meets him)…. and then of course society reinforces that fear in a terrible way. Only a shared humanity regarding love of art saves poor Joe.. how lucky he’s gotten enough exposure to be able to speak in the presence of giants. You have to ponder how many tinies just as wonderfully complex as him have died for not having that skill. It’s so very sad!!! THE IMAGERY OF HIM ON THE LAMP LIKE IT’S A STREETCORNER JUST TWISTED THE KNIFE. Your writing really is so excellent, the way you can carry us through so many different emotions… Joe my belovedddd. I’m simply obsessed with the implications of him NAMING HARRY. WHAT IS /THAT/?? And the way that the narration in the story from this point on swaps to using Harry as his name… it speaks VOLUMES without you needing to elaborate on it at all. Joe has changed him! He’s becoming someone he likes better than Herman! A day we had good luck… Harry is good luck… Luck as a concept very different from what giants think of… I am absolutely enamored with how clearly he has a whole other world, another culture, that Harry can only guess at and be grateful to be included in.

JOE GETTING A NICE BATH AND A COMFORTABLE BED IN THIS CHAPTER IS JUST SO WHOLESOME (even if it will torment his Calvinist sensibilities later…) I am also so charmed to imagine how Joe must have woken up and been like “what the FUCK did I do last night. Where the HELL am I 🤨”

And then in Ch11 he’s like I WILL PROCEED NOT TO THINK OF THAT AT ALL. <- clueless

Ch11 is one of my favorites I think… we really get a good glimpse into how much heavy-duty rationalizing Joe is doing LMAO. “Taking food is fine, because I’m just using this tall bastard.” “It’s fine if I have leisure time.” “It’s fine if I like Harry and his company and I miss him when he’s gone and I want to give him a name.” “AS LONG AS I DON’T GET COMFORTABLE ALL OF THIS IS FINE.” This line is such a banger lol: “Joe Piccoli was many things as he went to sleep that night, but he was not a pet, and he was not comfortable.” And then the mouse!!! That Joe decides to draw rather than kill!!! Look at his needs being met!!!!!

IT ALSO ABSOLUTELY FUCKIN KILLED ME WHEN I REALIZED IN THIS CHAPTER THAT THE BOYS HAVE JUST. FULLY LEFT THAT FLOORBOARD OFF LMFAO??? THAT’S HIS SKYLIGHT NOW…

And then. Good god. The arm scene… it’s just. Soooo. 👌👌👌👌 I’m so … 😵‍💫💖❤️‍🔥…

“I’m a wild tiny!” “You’re going to be a dead tiny if that gets infected.” Their dynamic is so fucking funny. AND THE TENDERNESS OF HARRY TOUCHING JOE… Joe being so overwhelmed not exactly with fear but HMMM I WONDER WHAT EMOTION AND WHY HE MIGHT FEEL SO OVERWHELMED HE STILL NEEDS TO CLOSE HIS EYES AND PRETEND HE’S HIDDEN UNDER THE FLOOR AGAIN… 🤔🤔🤔 whyever would the touch of this kind giant make his hair stand on end and make him contemplate the reverence he’s being touched with and leave his cheeks burning… it is a mystery

And then Joe being so afraid the mouse would be hurt because in contrast to the kindness he’s been shown, he still has this long history of awful experiences with giants.. this part in particular made my heart hurt:

“Don’t kill the mouse, Harry, please don’t kill it. It’s just like me. It hasn’t done anything to you.” Joe begged.

Followed by him remembering that this is /Harry, his friend, who he knows/:

“The words hit Joe like the breaking of a spell, and he stood in the kitchen windowsill feeling downright foolish. Of course Harry wouldn’t kill the mouse, Joe realized - of course he wouldn’t do that.”

OUGH. This story is SO delicious I’m beyond obsessed…

The two of them having a much less Charged encounter after Joe has resolved some of his internal conflicts, at least for the moment… chatting away like they’re two normal friends while Harry touches him… 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 I LOVE THESE TWO SO MUCH‼️

Their motorcycle shenanigans… Harry showing Joe his precious Contraption and Joe absolutely hating it omg it was so peak 😭 PLAYING “WHO’S-MORE-BORING CHICKEN”… the way Joe is like “I would rather Die than have to listen to this guy talk about how he’s more exciting than me. Absolutely not.”

I also very much appreciate the foreshadowing of the street car on this re-read…

AND may I say I really love that they went on a little nature trip together!!! I have thought often of the potential of a g/t story set outdoors, where the normal sized person and the tiny are both made small by how all-encompassing the wilderness is. Something to do with camping or backpacking! Maybe something I want to write one day! This gave me a delightful taste of that.

AND ANYWAY THE ACCEPTING OF COMFORT EVEN AS IT FLIES IN THE FACE OF EVERYTHING HE’S BEEN TAUGHT TO ROMANTICIZE AND VALUE… ouuuughhh GET LOVED IDIOT!! GET SEEN AND KNOWN AND TAKEN CARE OF!!!

And then ch12… Harry’s realization that Joe won’t ever bring up anything if it’s just for his own benefit. Which by the way, on a re-read I can appreciate how cleverly you’ve set this up, if I didn’t write that clearly enough before! There’s something cultural there but also, I think, something uniquely Joe that Harry maybe can’t fully see yet. Harry’s watch from his parents breaking down at the same moment he’s trying to change his relationship with Joe, the new most important person in his life (at least I presume! He doesn’t seem to have other close friends/family) … very very good. This sentence is so evocative. Simultaneously funny and sad: “With the way Joe’s eyes shifted from side to side one would think the doctor had suggested they go rob a bank.” It’s very good angst realizing how much Harry is asking of Joe without him even knowing it…

BTW this part is so delightful. They’re so interested in each other!!! “When his footsteps announced his arrival, he could see the tiny’s movements through the missing floorboards as his neighbour crossed the floor and climbed back up to the windowsill above the counter.” <- guy who absolutely has NOT been gotten

“Joe smiling. A rare sight indeed.” JUST…. My heaaaart ‼️‼️

Also hilarious how Joe and now Harry have both had “mmm I do NOT like the way this guy is smiling right now” moments 🤣

GOD tho, Joe’s opening up about getting snatched… much like Harry, it made me feel absolutely beside myself.

^^^ AS YOU CAN SEE. I'VE FULLY FALLEN APART.

[frogskelton]

So here is a fun analysis of Alejandro’s character and the ideas of hyper masculinity and gender that influence his character

Influenced by the femme fatale character stereotype, which is a sexist trope influenced by men’s fears of women’s autonomy. As the trope is positioned from a male perspective, total drama adapts this trope for a contemporary audience, genderbending it, using a female perspective. Alejandro is positioned as the villain for diminishing female characters like Bridgette and Leshawna autonomy within the narrative. The goal of the narrative and the final conclusion is the man who has diminished women’s autonomy is defeated, juxtaposing with the narratives this trope was initially found within where the woman who has expressed autonomy over her sexuality has that taken away from her after being villainized, subverted the ending and creating a more progressive narrative. Cody acts as a foil to Alejandro, as being introduced as the man who doesn’t fit into the hyper masculine mold of what is expected of a hetronormative society, due to being a scrawny short guy, who relies on other for help, this is shown through how his masculinity is constantly diminished throughout the narrative with the repetition of referring the the amazons as an all women team, making a joke out of referring to Cody as not a man.

Though as a partial ramification of the show being created within the 2010s the narrative is communicated from a cisgendered and hetrosexual lense, this is due to the way the show does not explore nuisances of the of any type of non cis-het gender experiences, which I’m not saying to criticize the show for, but rather think it would be that a natural progression of the themes would be to in a follow up season to potentially explore how this conflict may intersect with queer identities. As within the season there are many small quips and moments that briefly touch on characters internalized homophobia, like Tyler’s iconic line of “I like girls,” in episode 1, being a joke out Tyler disguising his attraction towards Alejandro (Because that’s not what someone who is only attracted to girls just after seeing a hot guy). Furthermore, there is also Alejandro’s comment asking Cody to “get off, before anyone sees,” while Cody hugs him, potentially implying Alejandro is actually rather insecure in his sexuality and masculinity, despite the show and other characters treating him as the pinnacle of what a hetronormative’s society’s idea of masculinity is.

For this I propose that a natural progression from this within the “All stars,” season would of been to unpack that internalized homophobia and fragile masculinity, potentially through the use of a character like Brick who is a lot more open and comfortable about defying hetronormative gender standard, as seen with this comment during Cameron’s finale being excited about being about to go to fashion school, and stating “Yeah, that’s right,” depicting him as being comfortable in enjoying hobbies that are typically associated with femininity, showing him as comfortable in his masculinity. Through using him as a foil to Alejandro, through contrasting their security about masculinity, potentially through having them on the same team and pitting them against each other in terms of fighting each in challenges until they are able to properly talk by themself and gradually learn to communicate properly and Brick helps Alejandro rethink his why he continuous pushes himself to be hyper masculine, and potentially causing him to lay off his behavior that constantly reinforces these hetronormative gender roles, and potentially even explore labels outside of just hetrosexuality, such as pan and bisexuality, as he is canonically attracted to multiple gender, due to va confirmation. (Which while not conformed by a director, the characters are created as a collaboration between the team working on the show so I would consider Voice actors as confirmation)

Furthermore the character of Brick, is a potential allusion to the 1950s play by Tenesse Willaims “Cat on a hot tin roof”’s Brick, who’s a gay man who struggles with his internalized homophobia. Furthermore, Brick in the play depicted as the idealized masculine figure for the conservative society

Due to the change in time period since the initial release of the season with queer people gaining rights throughout the 20th century, with discussing a potential all stars season, from a contemporary perspective, comparatively from while World Tour season was written, the potential subject matter and themes that networks may allow have changed significantly. So a potential continuing with written within contemporary times may be able to use the real world’s progression of queer rights being implemented within the narrative, through the acknowledgement of change of perspective surrounding queer people.

Elaboration of Brick’s connection to Cat on a hot tin roof

The character of Brick within ‘Total drama: revenge of the island,” i a potential allusion to Tenesse Willaim 1950s play, ‘Cat on a hot tin roof,’ as the character is a reference to the deuteragonist of the\ name within the play: Brick. The play stands as a critique of the 1950s conservative society’s perpetuation of the American dream and how this simultaneously perpetuates dishonesty and mendacity, especially in the reflection of the impact this has on gender roles. While Brick in total drama appears to be disattached from the ideas found within ‘Cat on a hot tin roof’, the writer does adapt some of the aspects in the critique of gender roles in the patriarchal society. Since total drama’s universe in a cartoonish reflection of our real world, the show does depict the subtle mentalities that perpetuate the hetronormative gender roles found within the play and the show partially explores the way that gender roles and while minimizing discusion about compulsory hetrosexuality about how this affect the character of Brick. Brick, just like the Brick from ‘Cat on a hot tin roof,’ is representative of the idealized version of the hypermasculine man, while total drama does take this in a more comedic route, which is used within “cat on a hot tin roof,’ through the subject matter the play discusses about Brick being gay and struggling with internalized homophobia within the 1940s Southern American society is used to critique the conservative society’s assumptions about masculinity and sexuality. In total drama the writers use these intertextual parallels to discuss gender roles and the concept of masculinity in a patriarchal society impacting people’s presentation with implications of queerness through stereotypes relating to the hobbies

Elaboration on the Hypermasculinity and fragile masculinity

Through the narrative of total drama use of Alejandro and Cody as foils in terms of the concept of hypermaculintiy presented int he show, wth Alejandro representing the hypermasculine archetype that fufills societal expectations of what masculinity is and is worshipped by society for this, juxaposes with the presentation of Cody due to being portrayed as fraile, does not live up to societal expectations surround masciulinity, causing his worth in society’s view to be tarnished

The narrative uses Alejandro and Cody as foils concerning the ideas of hypermasculinity and how society responds to people depending on how well people conform to gendered expectations presented within the show. Alejandro is portrayed as the peak of hypermasculinity and at the beginning of the show is praised and viewed highly upon due to conforming to the masculine archetype, enforced by the patriarchal society. The screenwriters juxtaposed this through how Cody, not conforming to hyper masculine archetypes, continually is diminished in worth by their society, as he is continuously forgotten as part of the team as with the amazons being referred to as “A team with no men”. The narrative comments on this juxtaposition and through the conclusion of the show with Cody receiving a happy ending and through helping Heather, subsequently defeats Alejandro, the narrative concludes that hyper conformity to toxic gender expectations is ultimately destructive, by showing the way Alejandro’s character arc ends in a tragedy.

[bluegreykim]

basically i'm gay & coming out to you rewatch thoughts

tw / homophobia references, internalized homophobia references, general mentions of depression

just watched all of basically im gay again and this video honestly changed my life. @danielhowell you give people so much hope and so much proof that we queer people have better times ahead.

it is so daunting to have this thing that defines you that heterosexual/cisgender people just may not think about. it is something i think about every single day and i cannot escape it.

and for so long, i wanted nothing more than to run away from it.

dan, you taught me that i don't have to escape this part of me. i don't have to be scared of it. i don't have to be scared of myself.

i don't have to be ashamed of myself. do you know how life-changing that is? to be told it's okay to let go of your shame?

dan's video showed me how much shame i used to have in myself, being the first openly queer person in my group of friends, not hiding myself at school but being terrified of judgement...

i used to hate myself without knowing why. i just thought my differences made me bad. i didn't even understand what my differences were.

phil (hi @amazingphil) said in his coming out to you video how it's funny how once you come out you don't stop. i think i've gotten used to this idea but it's so weird that in today's world people will look at me and assume whatever they want and then make decisions for me based on those assumptions. that's the weird part about sexuality-- everyone thinks it's alright to get up in your business because you've got something 'different' going on. spoiler alert, being queer is extremely normal and not 'different' at all. thanks, society.

i really really admire phil for putting out his story and also thank you for reinforcing that it's okay to be private even as a public figure. that's a really important lesson.

anyway, those are some thoughts i had. thanks dan and phil for being amazing (lol) role models and raising me into my happy (ehhh) queer existentially terrified self.

[decomposingpoet]

Fuck it let's talk about wholesome queer stories vs tragic queer stories in media

When I was younger I loved media that portrayed the pain of being queer. I loved the books, poems, songs, movies etc about the unrequited lesbian love for a straight girl, the hiding of who you are until it starts to eat at you from the inside, the guilt, the conversion therapy, the societal hatred, the self-hatred, etc etc.

I guess I liked them so much for two reasons

1. I was at that age when girls romanticize suffering which is a whole other conversation (thank God I'm not in that mindset anymore 💀) 2. These stories seemed to accurately reflect the reality around me. Almost everyone I knew in real life was homophobic, including my family, church and friends. The queer people I knew in real life were closeted and struggled with internalized homophobia. The one gay kid I knew who was openly and unapologetically gay was mocked and despised.

I even remember disliking positive queer representation like Love, Simon and Everything's Gonna Be Okay because they seemed childish and unrealistic to me. I would watch them and almost feel mocked like something I couldn't have was being flaunted in front of my face.

Now, looking back, I understand the damage that this caused. My experiences in life and the media I consumed created a self reinforcing cycle that further and further pushed the idea that this is what a queer life is. Mainly it taught me two things.

1. I subconsciously became convinced that queer joy was rare if not impossible. I thought it was a fantasy that only someone born in New York City with ally parents could achieve. Not someone whose life was already predetermed to be suck because they were born in a church and with unaccepting parents.

2. This topic is a little tricky, but in my opinion, even if a piece of media doesn't condone something it portrays, this doesn't let it off the hook completely. Even though the internalized homophobia portrayed in the media I consumed wasn't condoned, it was still normalized in my mind as I saw one queer on TV after another fall into self-hatred or even commit suicide. Subconsciously I came to believe that this is how it's supposed to be. To me, being proud and unapologetic was just as much of a fantasy as being happy and fulfilled. I became to hate myself too and look at myself with disgust every time I yearned for a girl. Monkey see, monkey do, I guess, especially when the monkey is young and impressionable.

As I became more hopeful about my future, however, I began to realize that positive queer rep is not as stupid as I thought it was. In fact, it was more important than I ever imagined it to be. And sad gay stories weren't just something fun and innocent for me, they were one of the reasons I became to hopeless. Positive queer stories, on the other hand, hold so much incredible potential to inspire the viewer to hope, love and strive that I can't believe how I overlooked their importance in the past. Long live positive queer representation!!!

(As a sidenote, I still whole-heartedly believe that sad queer stories NEED to be told, unless you wanna just erase all the pain of LGBT. However, happy queer stories also need to be told. Both need to coexist.)

[pinkeoni]

Will as a Christ Figure Part II - Mike as Judas + Byler Kiss

In part one of this theory, I go into detail about how Will is a Christ figure and how I believe the plot of season 5 may parallel the crucifixion story. Towards the end of that post, I mentioned how part of my theory is that the effective Judas in this story was going to be Mike.

While this may sound bad Byler, this actually helped reinforce Byler endgame for me. I’m also gonna explain how this actually ties into the Byler kiss as well.

So anyways, Judas was one of Jesus’ disciples, and is most well known for betraying Jesus.

There’s much less evidence for Mike being a Judas figure in comparison to Will being a Christ figure, but part of the evidence is his relationship to Will. Judas was one of Jesus’ closest disciples, and sometimes theorized to actually have been his best friend.

I didn’t know this before doing research, but apparently there was a piece of lost gospel recently found that suggests that not only was Judas Jesus’ best friend, but Jesus was the one who asked Judas to betray his identity. Here is a portion of an NPR article that discusses it.

What convinced me of the parallel however is this interesting visual detail from season four episode six.

This is when they are in the Bingham house, and Da Vinci’s The Last Supper painting is positioned behind them in this shot.

Granted Suzie is in Jesus’ position here instead of Will, but I think that is to show that in this moment, she is acting as a savior by helping find El.

But what is interesting to me is that Mike lines up perfectly with where Judas is in the painting.

For those who don’t know, I circled where Judas is from this detail.

He is the one sitting at the table reaching his hand out in Jesus’ direction.

Now I’m going to explain how the Byler kiss fits into all of this.

An important part of the crucifixion story is the Kiss of Judas. This is where Judas kisses Jesus in order to identify him, effectively killing him. Here is Giotto’s painting of the Kiss of Judas from the Scrovegni Chapel.

The Kiss of Judas also made way for a literary trope called the Kiss of Death. Here is part of the TV Tropes article on The Kiss of Death.

So if season five follows the crucifixion story like I am theorizing, then the Judas figure (Mike) would kiss the Jesus figure (Will) before he is sacrificed.

I wanna make it clear, I don’t think that season five is gonna follow this story exactly. These parallels are just parallels, and these are different stories with different characters. I don’t think Mike is going to intentionally give Will’s life away through a malicious act of betrayal. I also don’t think he’s going to have the same fate of Judas as well. It’s not in his character and it’s not the kind of story this is. Here’s the play by play of how I think this will go down:

- Mike kisses Will (Kiss of Judas/Kiss of Death)

- Mike, either due to internalized homophobia and/or something with Vecna, rejects Will (Betrayal)

- After this, Will sacrifices himself (Crucifixion)

- Will then comes back to life to fight Vecna and saves the world (Ressurection)

I’m also a firm believer in Will living and getting his happy ending with Mike, and I think that can not only coexist with this theory, but it almost reinforces it. The parallels support the idea of Will as a martyr but more importantly as a savior.

[languajix]

What is your sexuality headcanon for the 03 boys

Sure! I am always up for exploring other interpretations, but here are a bit of mine at the moment:

To start, my headcanons are most of them are not seriously attracted to humans. Little crushes-that-aren't in some cases, sure - they've grown up on the outskirts of a society that says humans of a certain appearance are attractive, they've probably internalized that somewhat and would be subconsciously trying to conform to perceived expectations of what they're 'supposed' to feel while simultaneously being acutely aware that they are not considered attractive by those same standards - but nothing substantial. Mutants, aliens, anthropomorphic edo-period folk, though: a lot more their type.

Also, this show being made and set in 2003 complicates things! They wouldn't have access to the same level of societal acceptance or even vocabulary that we do now, plus no community support for obvious reasons. They wouldn't have experienced homophobia or cissexism in their own household in the sewers, but they still had TV at some point. And it's hard to talk about things when you don't have the words.

Leonardo - Gay, very much interested in Usagi, very much not sure how to talk about it.

Donatello - Demiromantic or aromantic asexual*, with a small initial queerplatonic crush on April that he grows out of.

Raphael - I'm not 100% on anything with him and I'd be happy to hear someone state their case, but currently I'm at straight. Or bisexual but not thinking about it.** I'm flip-flopping on whether I think he would experience any attraction towards humans, but I think he's either the most likely, or the most solidly sure that he doesn't.***

Mikey - Possibly pansexual or panromantic ace - if they spent more time in space a little older, I could see him chatting up random aliens he finds attractive like the social butterfly he is with no real regard for gender (or, well, not always sure how to tell what genders the aliens may or may not have, which ends up being virtually the same thing.)

*I'm kind of excited because in this particular headcanon, there's a possibility Donny would have found AVEN during its golden years. The philosophies and resources of it would have been very beneficial in finding The Words for not just him but everyone, and discussing it in a healthy way.

**Raph has closer social ties with humans than his brothers, between Casey and Mrs. Morrison, etc. and I think a little more likely to have slightly stronger internalized human-style hangups regarding his own feelings if he's not entirely straight, such as fear of the reactions of his social circle, possibly causing him to be hesitant about looking too closely at that part of himself (not because of anything Casey or Mrs. Morrison do directly wrong, but there are a thousand tiny unintentional ways these things get reinforced especially when we're talking about the early 2000s,) and he's also more of a doer than a thinker, so I can't see him being that introspective without some sort of significant external push.

***My memory sucks (brain fog) so I have no idea if he's directly said anything about this in canon one way or another.

Thank you for asking!

[moodr1ng]

some people on here would cancel me if i described my oc klein too much on my art blog lol. like klein is this really pathetic self-effacing guy who tries really hard to gain the appreciation/validation of people around him in a way thats pretty funny right. i make fun of him for being white a lot (anti-white racism). i make fun of him for being a 34yo man whos roommate and best friend is a 19yo girl who just lives w him bc its cheap and definitely doesnt think of him as that close a friend (ageist that i make fun of him for being besties w a teenager). most problematic of all klein self-identifies as gay because he finds it easiest to fuck men, thinks its easy to have meaningless sex w men so it doesnt require him to actually put himself in an emotionally vulnerable position, is terrified of women in a bizarre way, and has internalized shitty heteronormative ideas of what m/f relationships must be like, so he thinks he couldnt be with a woman both bc hes insecure in his masculinity (bc hes a small, thin, somewhat effeminate guy who cant grow a beard) and also bc he assumes being w a woman would require assuming a leading/dominant/assertive role that he doesnt actually want in his relationships. and he has done no work on any of this so whenever hes attracted to a woman (and hes specifically attracted to masc women) he brushes it off as "well its not real attraction, my brain probably just reads her as a man.." and he feels awful about it and it further reinforces his fear of approaching women. not sure if this would be construed as homophobia or biphobia or both or something else but im sure some people would be very mad abt this

[flashdyke]

a lot of lesbian blogs talk about lesbianism and fighting for rights and in general, external things. but what about internal? how do you deal with the shame that comes with experiencing homophobia and knowing how much you could lose (family, friends, comfort in love like holding your girls hand anywhere in public..) ? what's your mindset behind this? thank you (๑╹ω╹๑ )

My mindset is that because I understand, "Lesbians are natural, healthy, and equally entitled to express love and be respected" as a principle, I have it as a structure to apply to myself or anyone else.

A big part of how I know that is that I just got to be raised the right way. The fact that lesbians are normal and worthy of respect is not something I've had to find out later on, but I have reinforced it by choosing to invest my time in learning about lesbian culture and history, and choosing to maintain the perspective that these are things of value.

It's also reinforced by seeing how and why this confuses other people. Non-lesbians are so confused, even enraged, by the idea that lesbianism is a natural, fully-formed sexuality, and that those of us who were able to develop this way find any worth in ourselves, each other and our subculture. They ask, "Why?" and in turn you can ask, "Why not?" and not automatically accept the starter position that lesbians and lesbian culture don't have value, at which point you find that there are no intelligent, non-bigoted reasons to think that way in the first place.

Then, how you handle the lesbophobia you may be exposed to becomes a matter of how you want to match up the knowledge that you are objectively entitled to respect and understanding with how much you value the source of the problem (family, religious beliefs, law) and what you have at your disposal to deal with it. If your family does not love you enough to accept completely harmless facets of you just because they're unusual, why on earth should they expect that you "love" (obey) them enough to crush yourself down like that? If what they've done for you as family was an act of love, why would they want to?

But again, it will depend on how each woman values these things. Woman X may be prepared to leave her family or her whole country, and she might have the money to do it or she might not. Woman Y may be ok with her parents thinking her wife is her flatmate. Woman Z may choose to invent a god that actually has morals, instead of pursuing the volatile and abusive ones that are popular. Those are not decisions I would make, and in this context they're not decisions I've had to make. I would just hope that those decisions are made with a genuine conviction in their right to happiness and safety as lesbians playing a serious role.

The main internal difficulty I've had is kind of shallow compared to those things, and is just accepting how much I am physically attracted to women, and kind of how I feel in my body in relation to that. That's largely been a matter of Just Doing It, and writing in my diary a lot. When something started to niggle at me, I'd just write it out in my private space, so that I'm used to talking about the feelings I have for women, and I can reason out the little neuroses I get about whether I look or behave 'normally' - and then I apply the principles that I have, and I see how it is perfectly natural and healthy to really, really, really, really like having sex with other women and to not behave exactly according to stereotype etc. And that in turn is helped by the investment in lesbian culture and seeing other women also talk about the same things.

[takerfoxx]

Okay, so I finished the third Rebuild of Evangelion movie, and as always, I have some thoughts.

So, this was the divisive one. This was the one that was supposed to trump End of Evangelion in how dark and fucked up it was, the one that caused Anno to relapse back into his depression, the one that split the fans by crushing the optimistic vibes of the previous one.

I...kind of loved it? Like, seriously, I really enjoyed this one (for the most part, but we'll get to my one big criticism later). Like, the first one was an abbreviated version of the first few episodes, the second was a retelling of the events leading to the Third Impact, while this felt like a genuinely new story in the Eva universe. We finally get to see past the Third Impact! I had no idea where the story was going at any given time! It was actually kind of exciting!

Okay, let's start off with the awesome. First, the Wunder, AKA the badass Eva-powered helicarrier Misato was captaining? Absolutely incredible. I was watching on my phone's little screen and I still gasped when it was revealed. Seriously, that whole battle was superb.

And Asuka and Mari as a bantering tag team? Also cool. Definitely see why they're shipped, even if Mari is fated to end up with Shinji in the end.

You know, one thing I've always liked about Eva is that for as utterly flawed and even fucked up as everyone's personalities might be, they still feel real and understandable. And while I've also felt that the way Asuka and others have mistreated Shinji in the past was inexcusable, the coldness and hostility he's getting from them now does make perfect sense. Yes, it wasn't his fault. Yes, he was just trying to save Rei and didn't know what he was doing. Yes, it was all a setup by SEELE. But the dude still triggered the Third Impact. That is a whole lot of dead people. And seeing that Misato lost her father to Second Impact, I can't blame her for not welcoming him back!

Okay, so someone in the know clear something up. Was Rei's soul recovered? Like, when Shinji pulled her out of that Angel, did NERV use whatever soul snatching tech to recover her and put her into a new clone body like they did when Unit 00 exploded in the original series? And does the Unit 00 she's piloting now still contain a piece of Rei 1?

Okay, I'm assuming that Shinji's soul lay dormant inside of Unit 01 all those years until I guess his giant robot of a mom spat him back up, after which everyone at WILLE was like, "Oh great, now this planet wrecking asshole is back." At first I assumed that they cloned him and was confused as to why everyone was ignoring him after bringing him back, but they didn't even want him back to begin with!

Kaworu. Oh, Kaworu. You know, I wasn't really on board with the whole Shinji x Kaworu thing when I first watched the series, but then again, that was a weird transitional period in my life as I moved away from my religious conservative upbringing and was still dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia. Now watching them interact with a fresh perspective...yeah. I mean, Shinji x Asuka is still my go to ship, but realistically speaking, the creepy Angel boy is the best option for him. Kaworu is pretty much the only person to show Shinji actual affection, respect, and positive reinforcement from the beginning, and it's clear why Shinji is so smitten by him. Granted, it's Kaworu, so there probably is an element of manipulation there, but it still does seem to come from a genuine place, and regardless of his motives he does seem to have Shinji's best interests at heart.

Okay, so where did it lose me a little? Well, I was a little confused as to Shinji's motivations at the end. I get that he blamed himself for the Third Impact and was convinced that kicking off Instrumentality would reset the world somehow, but he went from I WILL NEVER AGAIN PILOT AN EVA to GET ME IN THE DAMN ROBOT really quickly. At first I thought that he felt that he and Kaworu were sneaking behind NERV's back to further their own agenda, but Rei's presence as their backup would imply that it was an official NERV operation from the get-go. Like, does Shinji seriously trust his dad?

So I feel there should have been one more element to convince him. Like, have him turn Kaworu down at first, but then have one more revelation that makes Shinji change his mind. And maybe have a scene where Rei asks to go with them because she's curious about her own origins. I get that this movie had a troubled production and multiple rewrites, but this bit could have stood to be proofed a little more.

I also don't get Gendo's "Just As Planned" reaction. Like, really? They counted on this exact scenario? And was he working for SEELE or seeking to undermine them? Was this all just a setup to get rid of Kaworu because he was SEELE's boy? Why would he or SEELE want Fourth Impact to be aborted? It's all way too convoluted, even for Gendo.

Okay, so in regards to Kaworu, it seems that he was led to believe that Instrumentality would reset the world like he promised Shinji, but Gendo pulled a fast one by either switching out the Lance of Cassius with a second Lance of Longius, or lied to him about the lances from the beginning, basically tricking him into a scenario that eould result in his death or a different version of Instrumentality than he promised Kaworu or...something?

See what I mean about convoluted?

But the messiness of the finale aside, I still really liked this one, and am looking forward to the completion of everyone's arcs in the final movie.

[2xplusungood]

I feel like something that isn't talked about enough is the fact that the reason why so many youths are drawn into this sort of "everyone sucks" sort of mindset is that when you grow up being taught by conservatives, sure there may be a point when they realize just how horrid the political views of their family members are, but have inadvertedly swallowed the slow poisoning against the left over their formative years.

This can be especially harmful to people who fall outside of cultural norms as for so many years they have been at best constantly criticized for who they are or at worst straight up ostracized by friends and family.

They grow up feeling like shit for who they are while being fed conservative talking points about the left and the seed is planted to make them believe that EVERYONE is like that, right or left. Then they see these fringe cases of extremists on the left who also demonize who they are (usually just for other reasons) and it reinforces that idea that its all just hate from all sides.

They are so used to the conservative playbook that its hard to imagine otherwise. Like of course you're gonna buy and internalize the lie of "Those leftists will demonize you unless you are part of a marginalized group" when you are already so used to being demonized if you aren't the "good Christian boy" your family wants you to be, because to you thats just how life works.

Alone this is already bad but it can also get so much worse as having this mindset is when the radicalization begins to seep in. Hategroups LOVE to downplay the absolute fuck out of how the conservative mindset affects our culture while overplaying the effect of people outside that political ideology.

Heres an example: Early 2010s saw a rise in critique against things like sexism, racism, homophobia and lack of representation of marginalized groups in video games. People began treating video games are more than just a leisure activity you turn your brain off and enjoy and more like a serious art form.

On the other hand, gaming had become just about synonymous with this exact group of people. These critiques to them felt like a coordinated attack on gaming (And these sort of people by extension) from the left, and do you know WHY that is? It is because for DECADES there HAD been a coordinated attack on gaming from the CONSERVATIVES, who believed things like "Games cause violence" and were 100% fully IN SUPPORT of censorship.

These people were already so used to the conservative playbook that "Game developers should be more socially conscious" became "Games are sexist/racist/homophobic and should be banned" because they were so used to dealing with "Games are Violent/Satanic and should be banned" because the very idea of being critical of something out of a place of wanting it to improve vs being critical of something because you hate it and want it gone" was so ALIEN to them. Hence near CONSTANT comparisons of Jack Tompson (A lawyer who repeatedly lobbied congress for the banning and censorship of video games) to Anita Sarkeesian (Someone who made videos and WORKED WITH DEVELOPERS as a consultant to HELP their games be better)

Now here comes the Far-right. "Hey buddy heres some talking points to absolutely DEMOLISH the SJWs! Trust me Im just like you Im ostracized by both the left and right. Dont actually think about it too hard. After all it completely DESTROYS them and reinforces the idea you're being attacked"

Suddenly the Alt-right is born out of the lie "Both the left and right are BAD but the left is SO much worse" being left to fester. After all, if you spend enough time learning to "defend yourself" against the Leftists, your views are probably gonna start to align with the conservatives who were all too happy to join your fight against the "SJWs who are trying to DESTROY your hobby."

I think thats also why there are a surprising number of transpeople who held previously reprehensible views in the past, because they grew up ostracized and demonized while also having a bitter hatred to the very people trying to HELP them because all they know is abuse, but eventually they managed to heal from this mindset and get them help and support they need.

Not a day goes by that I don't feel utter CONTEMPT for the person I used to be, but I suppose the reason Im writing this to more fully understand what had lead me to become that person, so that I can hopefully help people avoid making the same mistakes I did. Maybe its even for the better that I will always hate who I was, and that there is likely people out there who will never forgive me for my past. People change but the damage done cannot be undone and its not the job of the people you've attacked to work on seeing you any differently. They don't owe you forgiveness.

[gods-no-longer-tread-here]

rant about the blase attitude folks have towards anime girls being sexualized incoming:

I feel like there's a large portion of dudes who like anime who don't seem to realize that sexualizing girls who are JUST legal is. hmm. how to put this. Part Of The Reason People Don't Like Them.

Teens have sex, yes. Teens should not be forced to only see media where they are Innocent Virgins, because that leaves them vulnerable to abuse. But there's "media for teens in which the characters their age have sex with each other" and then there's "media for adults that make teenagers into objects of sexual desire". One is a reflection of kids learning about intimacy; the other is unnecessary and reinforces the idea that it's totally okay for grown adults (usually men) to consider young women and girls as pieces of meat to fantasize about.

Sure, most folks can tell the difference between an anime girl with enormous badonkas and a real child. But the human brain still loves internalizing repeated patterns. That's why, for example, unlearning racism or homophobia is a continuous process; you can't take one seminar on inclusive language in the workplace and be Fixed. So why are the people who watch lots of loli anime different? Why are people who watch animation "better" than people who watch live action?

Why do some people understand that Warner Bros putting an acknowledgement of racism on old cartoons is important, but think a show with 14yo girls barely covering their nipples and labias is Fine and Good and Not A Problem?

[aemiron-main]

Not 2 be controversial on main but the more I work on the gay Mike analysis the less and less I can take the idea that Mike ever had romantic feelings for El seriously. and my ability to take it seriously was already almost nonexistent because, well… I watched the show. the familial parallels indicating a lack of attraction/platonic bond. the lying from the onset. the way that other people pressure Mike into trying to like girls/like El. the way he’s been bullied/mocked for his appearance and lack of girlfriend. the way that Mike’s ability to be affectionate with El decreases the more stereotypically feminine she looks. the fact that El is constantly pointed out to look extremely similar to will. the way that he’s trying to conform to what people want from him and is a child who’s constantly been the scapegoat kid in his family and now finally sees an opportunity to make people not be disappointed in him anymore. the fact that he’s TRYING to make himself be attracted to El/love her, he really is trying to change himself. the fact that “pretty,” is used to refer to Nancy and Mike agrees that Nancy is pretty so automatically thinking someone is “pretty,” does NOT equal attraction in ST unless you think Mike is attracted to his sister. like. ALL of his behaviour towards El that people try and use as evidence of him being attracted to her is explained by internalized homophobia and heteronormativity, especially when the show is beating us over the head with a “mike doesn’t like girls romantically and doesn’t like El romantically,” stick via everything I’ve listed here. like please. begging people to understand that all of the stuff like the familial parallels and recontextualizing pretty in a way that makes it automatically NOT equal attraction for Mike because he agrees that his sister is “pretty” (esp since with other romantic couples such as Steve and Nancy, we see Steve call Nancy “beautiful,” rather than pretty) and all of the “mike doesn’t like girls,” imagery doesn’t make any damn sense to include if Mike is anything other than gay. That’s why so much other non-gay mike sexuality analysis that I’ve seen, at least, hinges on outright ignoring the existence of canon scenes (NOT just interpreting them differently), because all of the canon scenes that I’ve listed are things that reinforce gay mike specifically because they center around his lack of attraction to girls/to el.

like. even any in-depth analysis aside. was ‘will you be like my brother?’ not enough to indicate that the show is trying to demonstrate that this couple isn’t meant to be taken as a genuine romantic couple? what writers in their right mind would kick off a romantic couple, even a puppy love one, even a crush, even a non endgame one, with “hey soooo are we siblings or what?”??? like PLEASE.

[claritalunaluna76]

This time nine years ago, five teenage boys’ dreams were in tatters after being rejected from the X Factor .

But determined not to let a good-looking gang go to waste, show boss Simon Cowell and his genius decided to put solo hopefuls Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson together.

It took the lads just five minutes to agree to his plan and have another crack at the competition - this time in the groups category.

They would go on to be one of the most successful boybands of the century, selling out stadiums and dominating the charts for five years before splitting in an explosion of bitterness and animosity.

But with no experience of harmonies, group singing or even each other, even then Liam wondered what they were really getting into.

“We had seen each other at Bootcamp and got on well, and Niall and I had shared a room. But we were competition then, and at the back of the minds we knew were against each other,” Liam would later recall.

“So it was strange when we were put together and my first thought was, ‘How are we going to make this work when we don’t know each other? It was such a leap of faith.”

A fractious start

Desperate to catch up with the other bands, the newly-formed five-piece spent an intense two intense weeks practising in a bungalow at the bottom of Harry’s step-dad’s garden in Holmes Chapel, Cheshire.

But contrary to their bright white smiles and boyish banter, their very different personalities were already beginning to show, laying the foundations for the resentment, jealously and anger that would one day cause the group to implode.

“We used to be at each other’s throats on the X Factor,” Louis admitted on their This Is Us DVD of his clashes with Liam.

“Whenever I wanted to do anything slightly mischievous, he was always the daddy.”

“Me and Louis did not get on at all,” Wolverhampton-born Liam agreed. “We were two completely different characters. There was one point where I literally wanted to whack him.”

Nevertheless, they sailed through the live shows and came third in the final before scoring a record deal with Cowell, who for them made n exception of only signing the winning act.

A mysterious fall out

By the time they scored their first number one with What Makes You Beautiful in September 2011, Harry and Louis were living as housemates in a rented £3million North London flat in the same block where Ashley Cole and Cheryl once met.

Then suddenly at the start of 2012 they allegedly stopped talking and moved out.

“Apart from Harry and Louis, no one knows exactly what caused the falling out — they didn’t even tell the other boys the full details,“ a source told The Sun at the time.

“But it was very serious and their friendship has never recovered. Everyone involved in the band is well aware of the animosity between them.

“It’s been central to everything else that came next with the band because there was suddenly a massive divide.”

From that point on Harry apparently refused to even travel with Louis and the fall-out would become so serious that bosses reportedly had to find a way to make their last three albums without the boys having to spend any time together in the studio.

However, Niall dismissed the claims, telling fans not to believe the reports.

"We stand strong as a band and we’re brothers,” he tweeted.

Those 'gay sex’ rumours

One theory was that the 'Larry Stylinson’ fan fiction depicting the pair as lovers had pushed them apart.

Louis, in particular, was extremely sensitive about the claims and admitted the speculation about their sexuality 'created an atmosphere’.

“People can believe what they want, but it comes across as a little bit disrespectful to the ones that I love, like (girlfriend) Eleanor (Calder),” he said.

“I’m so protective over things like that, about the people I love. So it created this atmosphere between the two of us.”

Zayn told how Harry and Louis had even dialled back their physical friendship in an attempt to stop the rumours.

“It’s not funny, and it still continues to be quite hard for them. They won’t naturally go put their arm around each other because they’re conscious of this thing that’s going on, which is not even true,” he said.

While Harry likes to keep people guessing about his sexuality, refusing to put a label on it, Louis has categorically said he is heterosexual.

And he was raging when a cartoon featured in HBO show Euphoria depicted a sex scene between him and Harry last month.

“I can categorically say that I was not contacted nor did I approve it,” he raged on Twitter , with a source telling The Sun he was 'angered’ that an 'awkward’ situation had been made worse.

Drug scandal

Whatever the cause of the tension, the rift only grew wider when Zayn and Louis were filmed smoking what appeared to be cannabis in the back of an SUV en route to a concert in Peru in 2014.

Narrating from behind the camera as he filmed Zayn lighting what appeared to be a joint, Louis could be heard saying, “So here we are, leaving Peru. Joint lit. Happy days!”

Talking about Zayn taking his warm-up 'seriously’, he continued, “One very very important factor of Zayn’s warm up of course if Mary J herself. In fact I will present it to him now for some fantastic singing.”

Straight-laced Harry - who wasn’t even much of a drinker - was apparently 'furious’ they’d taken the shine off the start of their UK stadium tour with their 'stupid and reckless’ behaviour.

“Harry is annoyed about the whole debacle. This should be one of the biggest weeks of the band’s career… Instead it has been taken over by this controversy,” an insider told The Sun.

“Despite Harry’s reputation, he’s incredibly professional and mature, and not into these sorts of antics,” the source added.

Booze battles

It wasn’t just Louis and Zayn who were in Harry’s bad books.

Liam’s partying was so out of control that Harry reportedly refused to go socialise with the band unless good guy Niall was there to keep the peace.

The pressure of spending two solid years on the road coupled with rumours about their future caused Liam to have a backstage meltdown in October 2015 with the band forced to cancel the gig in Belfast.

“The pressures of fame and being on the road for two years have made Liam ill,” a source told The Sun of the star, who would go on to admit fame 'nearly killed me’.

“He was devastated about letting everyone down, especially the fans, but he wasn’t physically able to get on stage. He had a complete meltdown.”

On another occasion he turned up to a fan event so drunk that it finally gave him a wake-up call.

“I’m not afraid to say that I actually went through a pretty bad [drinking] stage,” he told Attitude magazine.

“There were just a few times that I went over the limit with things and then I had to pull it back.

"I was very fortunate that I had lots of great people around me who said to me, 'Look Liam, you need to chill out a bit now.’”

Admitting he used alcohol to cope with the strain of performing near-constant touring, he said being drunk was like putting on a Disney costume before stepping out on stage.

“Underneath the Disney costume I was pissed quite a lot of the time because there was no other way to get your head around what was going on,” he told Men’s Health.

“I mean, it was fun. We had an absolute blast, but there were certain parts of it where it just got a little bit toxic.”

The pact

The band was fraying at the seams. Zayn was constantly in the headlines, accused of cheating on then-fiancée Perrie Edwar - which he vehemently denied.

There were rumours that he wanted out of 1D - despite the deal they were said to have made to release five albums and a greatest hits record before going on a 'hiatus’.

But Zayn blindsided everyone by suddenly quitting in March 2015 after a concert in Hong Kong.

In a statement he later admitted had nothing to do with him, he claimed he wanted to be a 'normal 22- year old’.

"I wasn’t going to spend another minute doing something which made me ill and which I no longer believed in,” he said of his shock exit.

Harry was seen openly crying on stage during their performance the next night.

But behind the scenes, the lads were reportedly furious.

“The others knew Zayn would have a head start by leaving first, like Robbie Williams did when he quit Take That,“ said a pal.

“It was frustrating to them as Zayn only had to hang on in there a few months and 1D would have gone on their long break united.”

Zayn would later go so far as to claim he’d wanted to leave the band from the very beginning and that he hated their music.

Friends no more?

Meanwhile, absence has only made the feud grow stronger, particularly between Louis and Zayn after the latter failed to support him on the X Factor following his mum’s death in December 2016.

"I had a couple of calls with him after I lost my mum and all the boys had agreed to come to that performance and he didn’t show, so that really bugged me,” he said on the Dan Wootton podcast.

“It was just seeing everyone there – Harry, Niall and Liam – that was what I needed that night, that support,” he said. “So on the other end of the spectrum it kind of really showed. So, eh, I hope he’s alright, but…”

Niall admits he doesn’t even have Zayn’s number and that he’s constantly changing it, while Zayn sniped that he didn’t 'really’ speak to Harry when they were in the band so didn’t expect to have a friendship after.

“I ain’t spoke to any of them for a long time, to be honest with you. That’s just the way it is,” he told Vogue.

“There’s things that happen and things that were said after I left…Snide things. Small things that I would never have expected.”

So could they ever reunite?

Mirror - July 23, 2019

[mirekat]

Every so often I’ll run across a post that plays with the idea of Bajoran religion being officially homophobic and/or Kira dealing with internalized homophobia, and, while this is as legitimate a personal reading as any other, the idea always rubs me the wrong way. I am, I’ve realized, quite attached to the idea of a space religion that’s mostly silent on the issue of sexual mores. I appreciate that we see how much internal dissension Bajoran religion can sustain, including some strands that blatantly reinforce structural oppression (Kai Winn’s ethnocentric fundamentalism in ‘In the Hands of the Prophets’, the whole thing with d’jarras in ‘Accession’). But I also really value the fact that its package of discriminatory beliefs doesn’t match up one-to-one with white-supremacist U.S. Christianity, Anglophone sci-fi’s default ‘religion bad’ setting. 

Besides which, as far as I know Kira is the only character in the entire franchise, pre-DSC, who’s given dialogue that makes clear she’s explicitly, emphatically not homophobic. In ‘Rejoined’, talking about Dax and Lenara, she says ‘I don't understand how two people who've fallen in love, and made a life together, can be forced to just walk away from each other because of a taboo’--which, even if it’s triangulated through the alien reassociation plot, is still about as unsubtle as you could expect from a 1996 space show. And I’ve no doubt the decision to give that particular line to a deeply religious character was not an accident. 

Look, as I say about any meta post, this is about my feelings. It isn’t supposed to imply any canon-prescriptivism or moral stance or whatever. It’s just a personal gripe about a personal hobbyhorse, which is that religion is a rich, infinitely complex facet part of the human(oid) experience that deserves to be as complicated in sci-fi as it is in real life. 

[americachavez]

Ask and ye shall receive lmao. Anyways this whole wedding shenaniganery takes place like 2 years after the finale. Dean DID get cas outta the empty but he is bad at words so instead of saying anything TO cas he just kinda. Avoided him until he couldn’t stand it anymore and then kissed him. And then fucked him. Dean assumes that cas will be able to interpret this as “I love you but don’t know how to say it”. Cas does NOT interpret it like this. Cas basically thinks that dean is giving him a pity fuck, but doesn’t turn it down because he has massive massive issues and tells himself he is content with whatever scraps of affection dean will give him. This interpretation is reinforced when dean isn’t affectionate outside of sex because he has Issues (internalized homophobia and several complexes about intimacy). Eventually cas is like dean we can’t do this anymore, this meaning their perceived fuck buddy arrangement. But to DEAN they aren’t fuck buddies, they’re dating and in love. So dean takes this. Poorly. And they end up having ANOTHER divorce.

Anyways in this mamma Mia but slightly to the left au dean is Donna, obviously. He is bending over backwards trying to give Sam the perfect wedding because he deserves it, dammit!!! He may not like the idea of a big white wedding but by god sammys wedding is gonna be the best goddamn wedding these stupid motherfuckers have ever SEEN. Sam is Sophie, but instead of inviting three potential dads, he’s inviting cas. Cas is, of course, pierce brosnan.

Some key facts:

-nobody actually KNOWS that dean and cas used to fuck. Dean was way too repressed about it. All anyone knows is that they were extremely close, and then they weren’t. Sam has like. An inkling. But that’s all.

-u know how Sophie is trying to hide her three potential dads from Donna for like half the movie?? Sam is doing that with cas. Everyone else knows cas is there but Sam thinks that if dean finds out he will, quote, “flip his shit”. So he’s just stashing cas in increasingly weird places until dean spots him.

-in this au dean is Donna, which means he retired from hunting and decided to buy a big, old, condemned house and turn it into a bed and breakfast. The house is in idk. Georgia?? Wyoming?? Either way dean found it while he was on a hunt. It was extremely haunted, he un-haunted it, and then impulse bought it for a couple grand.

-it’s a nice house. An extremely nice house. It’s so nice that Sam is having his reception there. The ceremony is at a church in town. I haven’t decided if Sam is catholic or a Unitarian, but either way there is a church, and he is getting married in it.

-the reason dean is planning most of the wedding instead of Sam is because Sam is a bridezilla and needs everything to be perfect, but has no idea WHAT perfect looks like. So every time sam tries to plan the wedding he ends up spending six days looking at napkins. Dean, being a self-sacrificial big brother, basically takes on all the planning duties.

-Eileen does not give a fuck. She’ll marry Sam in a fancy ball gown, she’ll go down to the courthouse, she’ll happily spend the rest of her life living in sin with him if that’s what Sam wants. Eileen is hashtag woke and thinks that marriage is nothing more than paperwork and a couple of tax benefits wrapped in false narratives about romance. She is, of course, extremely right about this.

-rowena tries to upstage Eileen at the wedding because she has winchester derangement syndrome and is acting how we all think Crowley would act at the deancas wedding. It does not work because Eileen is a girlboss.

AnYways dean finds out cas is at the wedding thee NIGHT before and predictably flips his shit. The day of the wedding there’s a winner takes it all type convo right before they head into the church where they’re like *this* close to communicating enough to understand what’s going on between them BUT BEFORE THEY DO, dean storms off.

The church scene plays out EXACTLY like it does in mamma mia. Dean and cas have it out in front of the whole fuckin wedding party. Cas finally realizes that dean thought they were dating the whole time, dean finally realizes that cas DIDNT. During this absolutely insane shouting match it is very clear that they are both still hung up on one another and very much in love. Sam is like actually Eileen I DONT want to get married yet!! I was just doing this because even though it’s been a decade, I still feel like I have to be normal. Only I don’t want to be normal!! I want us to hunt together and live together and maybe one day I want to elope to fuckin. Idk. The Bahamas or some shit.

Meanwhile the poor officiant is like. So... y’all aren’t getting married?? And Sam is like no, sorry. It’s a shame tho bc we spent all this money... and then cas is like wait. Dean. Dean. I know we only just figured out our shit, but I love you. I never stopped. We should get married. And dean is like yeah ok. There’s always divorce right?? And then they get married and go back to deans house and throw the party of the century.

this is probably the most insane thing anyone has ever put in my askbox and I WOULD read 50k of this but I’ll take the nearly 1000 word outline you’ve gifted me. thank you

[the-ghost-king]

About the cupid scene, Nico was forced to come out, but its also made very clear that Cupid is the bad guy. So is Aphrodite to an extent. They have a twisted and fundamental misunderstanding of love and how it works for mortals. I get that people could be mad about how Nico was forced to come out and putting him through more emotional trauma, but I also think its very realistic in showing how callous and cruel the gods understanding of love is.

I am reminded of the quote by Madeline Miller, "There is no law that gods must be fair..."

I also understand why the scene might be traumatic for other young LGBTQ+ readers, I've seen a lot of people talk about the fear of being outed in regards to them reading that scene as a kid. I completely respect their feelings on that, and I understand that as well. However, as someone who had been forcibly outed once before reading that scene, that scene really helped heal me. I don't think the Cupid scene is inherently homophobic, and I'm often bothered by the lack of nuance regarding around how it's handled.

I recognize it's a very emotional scene, and that people may have a hard time fully separating their emotions from that scene, but at the same time if there's a group of people saying "hey I understand why you disliked this scene but it was really helpful to me as a child because of the different experiences I had" maybe slow the breaks and hear what others also in the community have to say before determining if the scene is homophobic. You don't have to like the scene, and yeah maybe the scene did hurt you but that doesn't make it homophobic.

I want to specify on my word choice there a little closer, because of course outing someone is an act of homophobia, and the scene is homophobic in that sense. However often times the conversation about homophobia in this scene goes to "Rick was homophobic for writing this" where personally I would say this scene toes the line at being too far without ever crossing it. Some people may think this depiction crosses the line into "Rick was homophobic for writing this" which is fine, but just because something depicted homophobia and hurt you doesn't mean it was homophobic. Something doesn't have to out rightly be stated to be bad, in order to be read as bad*, and the Cupid scene does a wonderful job of depicting this.

I talk here about how Nico is shown what love is, and how love is treated by Nico, and how it affects his character. I think it's important to note that Nico's entire storyline can essentially be encompassed in an Orpheus-like or Odyssey-like tale. Nico's undergone this huge emotional and physical labor all in the name of having some form of unconditional love. I think that post is a really important read in the context of this one because I very carefully outline how love shapes Nico and how Nico shape and chooses his own definition of love, but I want to specifically dig into the Cupid scene on this post.

The big criticism often seen is "it's homophobic" which I covered above, and I want to clarify I'm not upset with or mad at or trying to tell anyone they can't dislike it or even say you can't say it's homophobic (my words on my one post are a bit off I'll admit) but the problem I have is when people believe they hold a moral high ground for thinking it's homophobic, or they remove all nuance from the discussion with "it's homophobic". Which is frustrating and annoying because it's a very complex scene, and it really changes Nico's arc and personality and it does help characterize him.

The big reason it shapes him so much is because of the other largest reason the scene is criticized, Cupid's behavior. What often fails to be recognized in those scenes is that Cupid is intentionally painted as the villain, this is very important to the scene.

In the context of this scene Nico makes an unspoken choice, a choice of "what is love to me?". I talk about how Nico claims his narrative in BoTL when he overcomes Minos, and he partially peaks that arc by convincing Gods to join the final battle of TLO. Following that arc however, Nico falls into his second arc, his crush on Percy was important in PJO, but not as important as it is in HoO.

By HoO Nico's entire character revolves around Percy, how to help Percy, how to aid Percy, etc. All of this has to do with Nico's crush on Percy, but also as an act of repayment because Nico hurt Percy- Nico lied to him about knowing him at New Rome in SoN, and he goes to Tartarus shortly after... This mirrors what Percy did after Hades tricked Nico... Percy choked Nico because he was upset with him, so Nico tried to win back Percy's affection by bathing him in the river.

The Cupid Scene is the resolution of Nico's arc, he is essentially given a choice- Cupid or Jason?

For this reason, we do see Nico recognize love for what it has been vs how it could be.

Cupid is there to represent what love is, to Nico love is brutal, and painful, and a lot of hard work... Nico has made himself utilitarian in love simply because it is the only way he can find any affection. Love to Nico is about flaying yourself for the benefit of others, to trample any and all parts of yourself simply to appease those you care for, because you want them to love you so much as you love them. The parallels I could draw between Nico and Orpheus, or Nico and Odysseus... I'd be here a long while...

In that scene Jason represents the alternative form of love which Nico chooses after his interaction with Cupid.

Jason says during the scene that he "preferred Piper's idea of love" which has to do with kindness and caring, etc, and then Jason becomes the embodiment of that idea during the scene- which showcases the alternative of what love can be, thus making Jason a personification of love in the context of that scene.

Jason looks to Nico, he doesn't ask for more, he simply looks to Nico with understanding and acknowledges him for who he is, and he does the exact opposite of what Nico expects:

Jason loves Nico where he is, without conditions, without forcing Nico to become something more. Jason didn’t force Nico to say more than what was necessary for him to understand, Jason looked at Nico and he called Nico brave.

Cupid is a more volatile form of love than Aphrodite, Cupid shoots arrows that makes people animals, that can make a god grow insane, but Aphrodite's form of love is about acceptance and humanity (think to how she picked Ares over Hephaestus even if it was perhaps "wrong")- both are about truth but one is about force and the other about acceptance.

When Nico walks out of there, he makes his choice- he is forced to come out yes, Cupid is wrong for doing this, but Jason again stays a figure of love in Nico's life. Jason basically says, "Good job, I know that was hard, thank you for sharing and let me know if you need anything, people will care about you and understand you," again and again and again to Nico, he doesn't tell Nico he has to come out, and he agrees to keep it between them for now. Jason is love as acceptance, Jason is the first person who unconditionally loves Nico, and that's the choice.

Will Nico accept unconditional love? If the answer is no, then Cupid wins and Nico is denying himself. If the answer is yes, then Jason and Nico win, and Nico no longer needs to make himself utilitarian in love in order to be loved.

The choice is made with Reyna and Hedge, most specifically Reyna.

When he accidentally comes out to them, and they accept him without making a big deal of it, without show, just that acknowledgement and "thank you for sharing" and Nico accepts their words and friendship still- Nico made his choice then to accept the love he was being freely given.

“He carried so much sadness and loneliness, so much heartache. Yet he put his mission first. He persevered. Reyna respected that. She understood that. She'd never been a touchy-feely person, but she had the strangest desire to drape her cloak over Nico's shoulders and tuck him in. She mentally chided herself. He was a comrade, not her little brother. He wouldn't appreciate the gesture.”

This is where we see the slow and steady, and healthy, end to Nico's arc in regards to love really grow into itself, and he begins to heal. He no longer sees such an intense need to make himself utilitarian for love, and he begins to heal from his internalized homophobia too.

(Internalized homophobia discussions with Nico also bother me too often times, people too often assume you can't date while struggling with internalized homophobia or at least very heavy handedly imply that which is just not true... You may have some issues in your relationship, but you can work through the internalized homophobia while building a new relationship and be just fine. Also to assume someone has an unhealthy relationship because of internalized homophobia is weird and lowkey reinforces the idea that "broken" people don't need love, but also does a huge disservice to so many LGBTQ+ people who are happily married/themselves but still struggle with these feelings, and to see a healthy relationship depiction despite someone in that relationship struggling with internalized homophobia is fine and good actually. As long as the individual can recognize what they're dealing with, and work through it in a healthy and constructive manner, then there's nothing wrong there...)

When I started this post to be honest I thought I would have a lot more to say, it's a scene that touched and changed me so deeply as a person, and beyond that in a more objective experience it completely changes Nico's character, by turning his arc around and beginning his healing process. To be honest, there probably is more to be said on it, I just haven't found the words yet... I know parts of this post are clunky and in a year I'm going to read this and see all the places it could be better but for now I'm content with it.

Whether or not someone considers the scene homophobic is a subjective experience, but I think this is a very well written scene purely for the characterization and symbolism, intentional or otherwise. I don't really care that much to debate if it's truly a homophobic scene or not, I can see both why people say it is and why people say it isn't and that can be culminated into "people have different needs" and "minorities aren't a monolith". Personally my much larger complaint is the complete lack of nuance and insight scenes like this are handled with, not the matter of personal opinion an individual reaches on the scene.

*the post uses the word "adult audience" and yes, fair point, children should not be able to decipher symbolism to the extent adults can. But older children and young teens, which the RRverse series are sold for, is when critical thinking skills and media analysis do begin to become parts of classroom curriculum. The scene does an excellent job of not outright stating Cupid is evil, but of depicting that in a very clear cut way.