#anger and frustration can be justified but also I can always choose to not respond or to respond with patience and understanding

[redysetdare]

y'know, I'm gonna apologize to the people I've gotten short with in the past. I'm sorry i let my short temper get to me and I'm sorry i took it out on you, especially if you were being genuine, patient, and kind. I should've met you with the same tact and grace but instead I lashed out. It doesn't matter how much i felt you deserved it at the time because i still could've been more kind and patient with you. it doesn't matter how much my patience had worn thin or how much i had dealt with before hand. I had the option to be kind and i chose not to and that is on me. I hope to be better. I hope to be kind. I don't want to be angry all the time.

[esther-dot]

Hi! May I know if Sansa has shortcomings that plays through her storyline in the first 5 books? I've asked some blogs and they have yet to get answer. This ask isn't to instigate hate, just opening a potential discussion. Thank you very much!

My grouchy anon would be disappointed if I didn’t do what they said I always do in response to Sansa criticism which is say—

well whAT àbOUT thIS oTHER ranDOM chARACTER!!! they also said a rude thing once and they kILLED mY dOG!!!! (link)

— So, to honor them, I’m going to answer this by first talking about Robb.

Sure, having sex with Jeyne, marrying Jeyne, was what seemingly kicked off his downfall, but taking a step back, thematically, it’s this moment that matters:

(link)

It would have been wiser not to marry Jeyne or to never have sex with her, but the actions of the character are included to allow a specific, predetermined outcome that fits in with the author’s purpose and overarching themes.

Bashing Robb for a moment of weakness and then trying to rectify a wrong he felt he committed, for trusting the wrong person or executing others is missing the crux of the issue. We can view Robb choosing the sword as a fatal flaw that determined his end. So, while it is interesting to talk about shortcomings and including them in characterization makes us care about the characters more (because that’s what makes them dynamic, makes them feel real), and we can see the individual mistakes that allowed for the Red Wedding to happen, the important moment was when Robb didn’t choose peace.

This is why all character mistakes are not the same and some simply aren’t as important as others. You have to ask, is this to avoid flat characterization? What is this facilitating? Is this the narrative point? I’m sure you can guess where I’m going with this, but I’m going to go there anyway.

The narrative point of Sansa is her goodness, it isn’t her flaws.

It isn’t that her actions are always the most optimal, but one of the major points of her character is her innocence. This is why reading the story to attribute guilt where it doesn’t belong or ignoring the context of her decisions is such a problem. It undermines the reason she exists in the story. She is representative of innocents, the powerless who suffer when others fight. She is one who wants peace but hasn’t been in the position to bring it about yet:

(link)

So yes, there is some classism, some frustration with people who reject social norms, there’s pettiness, there’s anger, there’s even wishing for people to die (oh my!), but those are there to offset her good attributes and to allow her to mature, to allow her to become a good and capable ruler rather than being born one. Because, whether she is Lady of Winterfell or QitN, the idea is that she doesn’t make those mistakes that damned her father and brother. The idea will be that she makes it home, outmaneuvers LF, and when she has power, she will prioritize peace. The idea is that her good traits are defining, that they are why she survives, why she will be in a position to lead. This is why her compassion matters. Not to argue she never has a mean moment, but because that, not the mean moment, is the narrative point.

By now several other Sansa blogs have responded to this or a similar ask with their own views of her shortcomings, but I wanted to explain why Sansa fans like myself “weigh” flaws differently. Whether or not they matter —or the extent to which they matter— isn’t about how much or how little they hurt another character (reading it that way is how you get takes about how Sansa wronged Tyrion by not sleeping with him). It is about the importance of that flaw to the narrative, it’s about the predetermined outcome and theme and how these characters serve it. For Sansa, her story isn’t about tracking a flaw to an inevitable end because we’re watching her rise. Her ending justifies her, and her choices justify that ending.

In the future, I may feel like writing more about her shortcomings, but that’s all I’m going to say on the subject right now.

Thanks for the ask!

[thiefakefia]

TKB: Post-Dawn of the Duel

So, because I’m going to be referring specifically to how I choose to write TKB, and how my TKB responds to losing, I will call him Akefia/Kef throughout this post. This is how I write Akefia in my main verse, when dealing with waking up in a new world. I’ve sorta structured this around the 7 stages of grief, but changed the order as appropriate, because it resonates. He is grieving the loss of his village (properly, without the hyperfocus on revenge), and he is grieving the loss of everything he’s worked for. He’s also grieving for his previous view on the world, in a way. He felt he was right, and now in the silence, he has to face what he’s done.

I should probably point out at this point that I don’t subscribe to the idea that TKB was 100% right in what he did. Neither does my Kef (although it takes time for him to accept it). Was his anger justified? Absolutely! Was the chaos justified? Not at the extreme it went to. Not with the innocent people that got involved. I don’t believe it was meant to go that way - and TKB’s confusion as to what was going on when Yami Bakura lets control of him go says a lot to me. He was a pawn - but I don’t believe he’s innocent, either. I think his anger fuelled so much of what happened.

Stage 1: Shock and Disbelief

I mean... what do you do when you’ve revolved your life around a plan of vengeance for so long and now it’s just... gone? There’s a serious sense of shock that goes through him. Everything that’s happened hasn’t caught up with him. He’s not even begun to analyse it - if he was wrong, or right. He’s numb, and lost. 

Stage 2: Denial

He’s already a touch removed from the circumstances, having been possessed for a significant portion of it. The way I write him, Kef remembers the majority of it (but later describes it like he was watching it happen, more than controlling it). That sense of derealisation from it means he doesn’t really believe this is happening. His next instinct is to find a way home and effectively fix it. He doesn’t believe he’s lost - and he certainly doesn’t believe it’s over. He will drive himself positively nuts, trying to find a way back.

Stage 3: Anger

Anger at everything but himself starts to settle in his bones. This is the Pharaoh’s fault- those damn Priests- the Gods- this city- these strangers in the streets. Somebody has to pay for it, and Akefia erupts in violence during this stage. Whilst my TKB has a strong history of violence, his anger reaches a level of pointless overkill. The sense of derealisation continues, and he’s removed from his victims as a result. He’s not seeing them as people, but fictional ghosts in a world that isn’t real, which allows the violence to escalate further. This stage tends to be shorter under a good influence if he meets someone. Seeing just one person in his new world as a real, genuine human being allows him to realise the other people are actual real humans he’s harming. 

Stage 4: Guilt

This is the longest stage for Akefia, as he battles with what he’s done. The reality of living a new life is starting to sink in, and it begins with the guilt for what he did during the anger phase. It’s only then that he starts to analyse his past behaviour, and picks apart the battle and what he remembers of it. Left to his own devices... this is a pretty long struggle where he swings between stubborness of “not my fault” and realisation of “I really messed this up.”. With the help of a friend he feels comfortable sharing with, it’s a lot easier for him to manage the negative feelings that come with this stage. By himself, it delves into “Am I bad person?” to an extreme that isn’t productive.

He will absolutely settle into the conclusion that he’s responsible for everything that happened - even picking apart what he remembers of the connection between Y!Bakura and Ryou and holding himself accountable for the devastation of Ryou’s childhood. If left to come to his own conclusions, he will take on responsibility to an overwhelming amount to a degree that begins to cause panic attacks and a level of anxiety he has never experienced before. There is no fixing those mistakes - and he has no idea what to do with them, or any idea how to conceptualise a new life after this.

He swings rapidly between feeling he deserves the punishment of being dumped in a new, confusing world, and wishing he had just died and feeling he should have.

With assistance, he’s able to parse through a little better. Whilst still taking responsibility for everything involved - and absolutely refusing to accept anyone telling him he isn’t, or that everything he did was justified - he is able to manage his own feelings better with much-needed comfort. He’s able to maintain some level of calm and composure, rather than being completely overwhelmed by his own negativity. During this stage, he’s also inclined to ask vague, often nonsensical questions and get frustrated when the other person is confused. His ability to function around other people is not yet at a level where he can actually verbalise what he’s thinking/feeling properly. 

There is also the added difficultly of feeling he doesn’t deserve assistance and, as he realises more and more that he Done Fucked Up, worrying that this person really shouldn’t be involved with him - and would they if they knew everything he’d done? Akefia, although he will share bits, is hardly the most forthcoming about everything with the majority of people.

The guilt goes on so long because it has so many layers to it. Right from the very beginning, there is a survivor’s guilt from Kul Elna. To guilt for things he had to do to survive before Dawn of the Duel. To the damage he did to Ryou’s life - a completely innocent child. To the innocent people who got swept up in his attempt at vengeance. And in spite of knowing he shouldn’t have let it get that far... the guilt at feeling he failed his village, even so. It, frankly, would take a professional to sort it through with him properly - but Akefia will never do that much to his own disaster (frankly). I know I could personally go deeper into this but I feel like I would never stop!

Stage 5: Depression

I mean, I think this is self-explanatory given what he goes through with the grief stage. That’s a LOT of emotions to swallow, and it causes him to become withdrawn and depressed. Akefia, who has never wanted to laze in his life, who has always enjoyed being outside and hates feeling trapped... now wants nothing more than to retire to bed, pull a blanket over his head and block out the world. Having previously only woken up crying with nightmares, he now finds himself prone to random fits of tears.

He never ‘gets over’ this stage, so much as it becomes episodic as he learns to feel things other than anger and frustration, and how to handle those emotions. The depression never fully goes back in its box but it becomes shorter periods of times, days or weeks rather than months where he refuses to do anything but lay down. He becomes disinterested in food, water or any form of caring for himself - which is also very uncharacteristic of my Kef, who has always prioritised surviving over emotion. 

Stage 6: Reconstruction

Akefia starts to see his new life as an actual life - not a prison he’s trapped in. He begins to focus on any connections he’s made and how he can move forward with them. Rather than obsessing over whether or not he deserves them, he starts to search for ways to earn them. This isn’t always healthy for him, and he needs help moderating it as he learns to interact with people around him after a lifetime of refusing to engage with them.

It’s messy, it’s chaos and it’s full of emotion Akefia has no experience dealing with. It’s also... beautiful (to me, anyway). From an intense hyperfocus on vengeance to actually finding joy in life. To enjoying the things he’d considered stupid, and pointless. Whether it’s platonic or romantic, Akefia learning to live a new life with other people in it is not always simple but it’s usually worth it for both parties involved.

Stage 7: Acceptance

Although his past will never be forgotten, Akefia accepts every bit of it as his story. He’s more honest with himself, and others. To the right person, he’ll answer more questions honestly, and he’ll bring up more stories when he trusts someone to give him insight into his own behaviour.

He starts to fully engage in his future, looks to make actual plans and learns more about the world, and people, around him. Instead of only showing interest enough to find a way to survive, he becomes curious and invested in the world around him. He mellows as he begins to fully accept life for what it is - and for what it was. As previously mentioned, he continues to battle periods of depression (and anxiety), and he, unsurprisingly, is traumatised from many of the events in his life. It’s not always an easy life he lives, but he does find his centre, and often a slice of happiness he never thought he could have. 

[frenchibi]

Hi! Okay so obviously this isn’t an ask or a request but basically I just wanted to let you know I’m a fan. I saw that you were upset with how little feedback you were getting so I was looking for a way to contact you. I don't have an ao3 account so I can’t comment anything, and I can’t get one yet because I’m still 15 (the limit is 13 but the TOS were complicated and I didn’t wanna risk anything). In any case, your writing is AMAZING. I love it sm I’m obsessed. You’re so talented <3

Oh, hello!!

This is such a sweet message, thank you for sending it! I’m very happy that you enjoy my writing - but also, this message made me realize I have something to say, so I hope you’ll forgive me for hijacking it a little to make a slightly different point.

You probably read one of my older fics before sending this message - I had a habit of complaining in the notes about the amount of comments I got. Or maybe you saw that one post that I wrote a few years ago, specifically about the Haikyuu fandom and about being angry...? It goes around from time to time and has never really stopped getting notes.

I still feel, generally, that fic writers deserve more responses and interaction for the effort they put in, but my stance on how to go about saying this has changed somewhat since I last talked about this. Looking back at some of the author’s notes for my fics and that post I wrote, they feel very... whiny and entitled, to be honest.

Yes, fic writers invest a lot of time and effort into the works they create, and the fact that they share them for free is amazing, so I feel like “expecting” the people who enjoy their writing to at least let them know that they do is... more or less justified, and a writer being disappointed and frustrated when engagement with their writing is rather low is understandable (especially on tumblr, a place that is notoriously difficult for writers). However, I don’t like the kind of... culture of pressure that has resulted from this (and that my post helped enforce), and the way it “guilts” people into commenting.

We’re all part of fandom because we want to be here, right? We enjoy the same media and we want to talk about it, want to exchange headcanons and story ideas and concepts and fanart. And we want to engage with the stuff other people create - at least that’s how I, personally, feel about it. So when I see something someone made that strikes a chord with me, I WANT to let them know, and so it feels natural to me to like, reblog, leave kudos and comment. And because that’s how I feel, that’s how I expect other people to feel, too. So when I get very little response to something I post, it disappoints me - was my newest fic not up to my usual standard? Are the people who follow me not interested in this fandom anymore? And so on.

I can acknowledge that not everyone interacts with fandom in the same way I do, though. When I wrote that post about being angry - I was, well, angry. A lot of my frustration had piled up and I wrote that post as an outlet, and the people who responded in the notes (overwhelmingly other writers who said things to the effect of “thank you for voicing what we were all thinking”) validated this anger.

I’m... not good at being angry. It doesn’t last very long. In the end, my love for writing and for fandom in general outweighed my anger - and so I’m still here, and I’m probably not going to stop creating fanworks any time soon. I have also expanded to other fandoms (other than Haikyuu) and that has helped me immensely - I needed to get away from the box I put myself in. That doesn’t mean I don’t like Haikyuu anymore! It just means that writing only in one fandom no longer brought me the joy that it used to (and maybe a lack of responses contributed to this, but it wasn’t the only reason. This was a decision that I made for me, and no amount of comments from readers would have changed my mind).

I’m still writing, and all the fics I wrote are still up. I still read and respond to every comment, and every time someone new stumbles upon my ao3 or my tumblr writing tag and starts reading my works - I see you, I appreciate you, I am so happy that you’re here and that you’re enjoying my writing. And if you choose to “only” like five posts in a row without reblogging a single one - well, that just means you missed the chance to have a conversation with me, I guess. But I’m not mad - you do you, and have the fandom experience that works best for you. We’re all friends here, as far as I’m concerned!

All this to say, anon - you have absolutely no obligation to go to such extreme lengths to let a writer know that you like their work. What you said about not having an ao3 account - you ABSOLUTELY don’t have to sign up for one just to leave comments because writers are asking for them. Also, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, you’re 15 and it’s not your job to make a 20+ year old writer feel better about themselves. It was incredibly kind of you to send this message, but it did surprise me a little bit - I tend to always assume (as one does) that the people I interact with are around the same age as I am - but I’m glad that it surprised me, because it reminded me that what I post is seen by everyone who follows me, not just my immediate peers. When I posted about being angry, it was directed and people “like me”, in similar situations, in similar age groups, and I didn’t even stop to think who else might read my post. Which is incredibly irresponsible, actually.

I am aware many people in fandom spaces are minors and I say this for you especially: You don’t owe anyone ANYTHING, least of all should you feel obligated to go out of your way to contact writers who feel “neglected” by their readers to make them feel better. Their emotional state is not your responsibility. I’m grateful for your very sweet message, but I’m also sorry that you felt you had to send it. It is not your job to make sure I feel appreciated. It’s on ME to find a way to interact with fandom spaces that works for me. That’s no one’s responsibility but my own, and it was not fair of me to make a post that basically demanded more interaction “or else I’ll stop posting”. It was years ago, and I don’t feel that way anymore, but I can’t stop people from still reblogging it.

Yes, every single comment or ask or reblog matters and makes me happy - but I hate that I made you feel like you had to reach out to me and tell me that my work is appreciated when you weren’t otherwise going to do so (and that you considered making an ao3 account just for this purpose! No!! Don’t do that!! You’re RIGHT, the TOS are complicated and you shouldn’t sign up for anything without thinking it through properly!).

Tl;dr: Thank you, anon. I’m fine, and even if I wasn’t, it would not be on you to change that. You’re a very sweet person, and I apologize for using your ask to go off on this tangent, but I felt it was important to say.

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

10 Times Arnav Singh Raizada Crossed The Line (Part 1)

Arnav Singh Raizada is our perfect, tortured Mills & Boons hero. Sometimes it’s unfortunate when recent shows have aped his behavior and not the layered characterization that he had. However, sometimes (according to my own opinion) I felt that his character might have crossed the line. 

It’s moments where no explanations justify his behavior. 

Please remember this is all my crazy opinion so feel free to add your own in notes! Oh and don’t worry, a similar list is coming for Khushi as well as they’re truly made for each other. After all, aren’t they our favorite ‘will-they-won’t-they’ idiots?

Tearing the dori.

Arnav Singh Raizada does not apologize.

Blasting at Khushi for pranking, PRANKING him.

Telling Khushi her anklet, their almost kiss & she, does not matter.

Arnav Hypocrite Raizada - forcing an engaged Khushi to confess her feelings when he’s unable to do so.

Reminding Khushi of her broken engagement cause he can’t handle jealousy.

Manipulating & frightening Khushi with Akash & Payal’s divorce papers.

Telling Khushi he ‘faked’ his sickness to get rid of the ‘Swami’ tag.

Refusing to believe Khushi’s version of events.

Becoming Khushi’s landlord and blackmailing her (emotionally and financially) to get her to come back home.

Bonus

Telling Khushi that she does not have the brains, courage nor talent to face the real world.  

#1 “Badtameezi toh maine abhi shuru bhi nahi ki.” (S1, E2)

“I haven’t even started misbehaving.”

First Reaction: No Arnav bitwa, no. That dialogue never has and never will make sense.

What’s wrong with it: 

Almost everything. First of all when someone is in a position to abuse his/her/their position of power and authority, they don’t get to make rules on what counts as misbehavior. Secondly, just because one hasn’t sexually harassed a person does not mean one’s harassment hasn’t been “bad enough”. 

Arnav’s behavior crossed the line the minute you tell Khushi that she and her sister are the kind of women who can easily get another man - and none of us are kids here to know what the thinly veiled insult meant to Khushi & Payal’s character. 

What makes this entire situation problematic is that he accuses her with certainty based on assumptions and Khushi, really, has not warranted any sort of behavior from his end - she actually makes a compelling argument. This kind of a situation, unfortunately, keeps happening in the future where Arnav accuses her based on half truths/assumptions.

Of course there’s a part of me that always wonders what idiots as staff does Arnav have because they; (1) let a newbie go on the ramp (can’t imagine that happening at a Sabyasachi / Manish Malhotra fashion show), (2) are incompetent enough to not be able to procure and verify any information about Khushi.

Track Rewrite: 

First of all, this is perhaps the only terrible moment that I want to leave untouched. It’s perfect. It sounds ludicrous but this level of animosity was required to create a hatred the two had for each other until love and lust suddenly stormed into their thoughts. 

Khushi looks perfectly devastated and Arnav’s anger rises because his fashion show in Lucknow (out of all cities) has been ruined. The less can be said about recent shows where there’s very little logic to the hatred shared between characters.

It establishes that Arnav has been very aware, right from the start, how beautiful Khushi is. And not just the delicate beauty like Payal, but the beauty that can make one lose their path, their calm, their temper and tempt them out of their stupor. 

It’s this opinion that he forms about Khushi that he subconsciously carries for the longest time - (it’s what makes it easier for him to believe Shyam’s version of events because this assumption of a tempting, young, poor woman out to seduce the rich never really leaves his mind).

Head-canon: 

This was the only time Aman Mathur took a vacation. Poor Arnav, he really needed efficient staff. 

Public Service Announcement: 

Ladies and gentlemen, this does not mean that hate, pain and misbehavior is necessary for love to bloom. No, love does not have a template and this is a love story that happens despite the hate, not because of it. 

Also, just so you know that Khushi - or any person - is not responsible for the things that happen to them. If a person’s self respect, dignity or agency is threatened - you go ahead and bash the attacker and not blame the person! *phew*

#2 “Arnav Singh Raizada kabhi kisise maafi nahi maangta.” (S2, E19)

“Arnav Singh Raizada does not apologize to anyone.”

First Reaction: Screw you Raizada! How dare you? Buaji - throw your infamous damned belan over his head! Raizada, do you realise you’re saying this while standing on someone else’s property?

And…

Why do I find it hot that Khushi opens the door to an impatient Arnav who’s dressed as dark as the sky, his temper matching the thunder in the background while they lock eyes? *i need help* when I watched this show for the first time I totally expected another scene like this would occur where Arnav asks her back or confesses his love. Yeah I trusted him enough to make another mistake where Khushi’s left home and he needs to get her back.

What’s wrong with it: 

The things he said to her before he came to her house. The insults he levied on her are based on an accusation which is baseless. We get to know that until Akash’s public proposal to Payal that Arnav never bothered on learning the truth about what happened that night. 

Hence it reveals another trait that Arnav never double checks his assumption until he’s faced with a confronting reality. But, in the length of time he’s gotten to know Khushi until that point - the things he tells her is way out of line. 

And when he reaches her home, slapping that money on her table and insulting her in front of her family… yeah it’s difficult to watch that. Especially after all the Rabba Ve’s they’ve had and his difficulty & helplessness on learning that this same woman was going to leave for Lucknow forever.

Track Rewrite: 

Arnav’s anger is really a projection of his frustration on himself for hurting Anjali and a terrible act of him confirming to himself that money can get him everything - even his sister’s happiness, which he attributes to his ability to get Khushi back into the house using money because he only knows the language of money. 

So my problem isn’t much with him… it’s with Khushi’s inaction. This is one of my least favourite scenes in the show because once Khushi stops (mostly) retaliating to Arnav from this point - she never really retaliates ever again. It’s like they kill that intellectual and mature aspect of Khushi who really knew how to debate (ah, don’t I love the resignation scene and her moment with Lavanya, Sim & Pam in the office).

Of course, Arnav and Khushi argue bucket lots in the future but from this moment on they really amp up Khushi’s silent crying and reduce her logical arguments to her emotions. Hence, if there’s anything I would have changed then I would always give Khushi the final word - the logical final word because who doesn’t like a solid rebuttal.

Quick note; Arnav does amend from saying “women like you” to “people like you”. So there’s a shift from his belief of her being a gold digger (and hence, lack of character) to a middle class greedy person (like his uncle).

Head-canon: 

I believe she doesn’t give Arnav a chance to gloat that he got her back with his money. Hence, the following exchange takes place in my head…

--

Arnav: “Mujhe pata tha tum paise ke liye kuch bhi karogi.”

Khushi: “Hum aap se ek baat kahe? Aap ghalat hai.”

Arnav: “No, main tum jaiso ko achi tarah se jaanta hai.”

Khushi: “Haan, shayad aap hum jaiso ko jaante hai. Par humein nahi. Aur rahi baat humara yaha aake kaam karne ka, toh humein nahi lagta ki humein kisi ko bhi safai deni ki zaroorat hai. Khaas kar ki aapko.”

- -

Arnav: “I knew you’d do anything for money,”

Khushi: “You know what? You’re wrong.”

Arnav: “I’m not. I know people like you.”

Khushi: “You may know people like me, but not me. And as far as me choosing to work here, I don’t find it necessary to give anyone any explanation. Especially you.”

--

Public Service Announcement/Crazy thought: 

The old 500 rupee notes are banned post demonetization. So don’t use those notes.

Check out my crazy version of this episode. 

#3 “Di isse sorry bolne ki koi zaruri nahi hai. Yeh aapki naukar hai.” (S3, E1/E2)

“Di you don’t have to apologise to her. She’s your servant.”

First Reaction: Oh no you didn’t… you didn’t!

What’s wrong with it: 

I think it gets on my nerves how rude he is and that he constantly measures her to her financial and societal status. And all of this is because she pranked him. Like she literally put sugar crystals in his petrol tank, changed his phone ringtone to a silly item number and put juice in his shoes. And he responds to that with some pretty damaging words. He literally tells her that lying and cheating is in her blood. 

Yikes! Flashback time Arnav - when she just alluded how he would feel if his sister’s marriage broke he tore her strings, and he legit just insulted her parents. All because she played some childish pranks. 

I have to say Khushi does put up a good fight, for most of it, and I love Anjali trying her best to intervene but yes… the way Arnav just flares up here - he crosses quite a few lines (hence I am not at all sorry when Khushi flings the hot tea on him, sorry I’m a sadist). I think his continuous push to show his authority, superiority over her is not really healthy. 

And that last Rabba Ve (although the tune is beautiful) which is evoked by her tears, and previously evoked by the impressions of his fingers around her wrist, gives a very wrong message to the public.

Track Rewrite: 

I never, ever want to change their essential characteristic. I’m pretty satisfied when he’s literally burned after he’s burned her with his words. Karma always gets him...

But, I really wouldn’t mind a strong, confident, and angry “ENOUGH” from Khushi as well. Or even a quiet, deadly, whisper of an “enough” that would stop his nonsensical tirade. It’s important for him to know when he’s crossed the line, before Khushi starts crying.

Really, it wouldn’t hurt if he was taken aback by her burst of anger or the threat of anger instead of tears (remember the Guesthouse incident… he was turned on by her fury, and then he simmered down and felt guilty - that’s a good cycle to follow when there’s an argument. No, not always the turn on side but the ability to give both the parties anger).

Because of late there seems to be an obsession of male heroes getting the ability to insult their “soulmates” and then stopping because of her tears and then never following it up with an apology. There’s a lot of context in the case of Arnav and Khushi… but I always relish when he’s flabbergasted and silenced by her retaliated anger more than anything else (cue, the resignation scene again).

Head-canon:

Arnav: “Di you don’t have to apologise to her, she’s your servant-”

Khushi: “-enough.” / or / “ENOUGH!”

Arnav and Anjali stand, silenced by Khushi’s anger.

Khushi (to Arnav): “Do yourself and your status a favour. Don’t open your mouth. Especially in front of me. I may fall before your eyes, but you dig yourself a grave.”

Khushi walks away, leaving Arnav stunned.

---

Arnav: “Di isse sorry bolne ki koi zaruri nahi hai. Yeh aapki naukar hai-”

Khushi: “-bas.” / or / “BAS!”

Arnav and Anjali stand, silenced by Khushi’s anger.

Khushi (to Arnav): “Aap apne aap aur apne aukaad pe ek ehsaan kijiye. Apna muh mat kholiye. Khaas karke humare saamne. Shayad hum aapke nazro main gir jaate hai, par aap toh khai khodke apne aap ko giraate hai.”

Khushi walks away, leaving Arnav stunned.

--

Too harsh? Too unlike Khushi? Sorry, I’ve been watching that scene on repeat way too many times and I may have vented out a bit - it gets crazier when I list out Khushi’s antics!

Public Service Announcement: 

Don’t break laptops or play pranks on people who might explode on you. Also, don’t waste mango juice on pranks - it’s delicious consumed. Probably that’s why Arnav was angry - one, he cannot drink mango juice due to his diabetes, and two, she wasted it on shoes!

#4 “Mere liye uss baat ki, ya tumhari, koi ehmiyat nahi hai.” (S3, E40)

“For me, that [the almost kiss], or you, don’t mean a thing to me.”

First Reaction: YES THAT’S WHY YOU KEEP ON THINKING ABOUT IT! LIKE OF COURSE BABUA ALWAYS SAYS THE TRUTH AND SAYS THE THINGS HE MEANS. LIKE OF COURSE YOU DID NOT INITIATE THE KISS OR PRESERVE HER ANKLET IN THE KHUSHI SHRINE OF YOURS! What the fu-dge Babua, literally?

What’s wrong with it:

Actually nothing. I just want to mentally slap him, that’s it. This needs to happen. Because honestly at this point of their relationship if this hadn’t happened - if they had kissed, chosen to break up with their partners (more like Khushi absolutely refusing to get engaged and even end up giving an ultimatum to her family) - then they would technically end up together and the most unhealthy point of their relationship.

Arnav is not at all ready for marriage but he would say yes because it’s the only way Khushi would be with him? Khushi, although in love with Arnav, still really has no actual reach to his depth and emotions. 

And really all her fantasies of Arnav are really fantasies, she loves him for what he evokes in her more than what he truly is. He is unable to get her out of his system. It would be a bad place to begin a relationship.

So although nothing is wrong with this scene and it’s like a bitter pill that needs to be swallowed, I still want to say he crossed a line by reinstating that she means nothing to him even though he led her on the entire foreplay of a Diwali. And like… wow, he’s asking what he means to her after he just declared that he’s going to get engaged to his longtime girlfriend who is also now Khushi’s closest friend? Like why… why would Khushi tell you what you mean to her?

Track Rewrite: 

I would rewrite Buaji’s pressure on Khushi. It’s regressive, painful and terrible to watch. I know it’s necessary… and if not rewrite this scene then I would just add a scene in the future where Buaji truly apologises for ruining her dearest Sanka Devi’s life. She owed this at least and it would be nice to see elders recognize their own mistakes at times.

Head-canon: 

Lavanya is in a happy relationship with NK <3.

Public Service Announcement: 

If you have a difficulty in saying what you want to say, enroll in Jalebi Teaches Feelz Expression classes.

#5 “I hope tumhe koi farak nahi padta.” (S4, E8 - S4, E14)

“I hope it means nothing to you / I hope it doesn’t affect you / I hope it doesn’t make a difference to you.” It = me, Arnav, our relationship (or whatever it is).

First Reaction: wherefore art thou asking questions yond thee cannot answ'r?

What’s wrong with it: 

This is where Arnav’s moralities really turn grey. Over here any affection, concern or committment to Lavanya is literally forgotten. Almost possessed, Arnav has three goals; 

(1) Make Khushi admit what he himself cannot admit - that he, them, everything matters to her (2) Prove to Khushi she won’t find a better match than him, that he’s her equal and he’s the only one who can provide for her and give her everything she desires (3) Make her breakup with her undesirable and unworthy fiance (he hasn’t met him but he just knows that her fiance does not deserve Khushi and I have to agree with Arnav, he’s right) and probably end up getting engaged with him.

The epic part of the Raizada plan is - he doesn’t have an idea what would happen if Khushi actually gives a farak. It’s not that Arnav is right or justified, he just stands the way he has always been - in all his fifty thousands shades of grey (not I’m not a fan of that book, pleej no).

Track Rewrite: 

A bit more time for Arnav, Lavanya, his apology and their break up. I love it that he does it instantly, but I also wish he spent more time talking to Lavanya. Just some more Arnav/Lavanya scenes, we really never got to see more of their friendship and her understanding.  

As far as everything else, Khushi’s inner battles and silence is really amazing - it’s what gives her dignity and it’s her self preservation. Arnav is redeemed by the fact that he genuinely is Khushi’s soulmate and he can feel her distress and is the only one who accurately senses that Khushi might have been pressured to agree to this marriage. Who knows Khushi cannot live in a loveless marriage. It’s something he can now guarantee, after a whirlwind of denial.

Although his actions are dubious, he’s the only one who senses the lack of joy and passion. So, rather terribly, he tries to put it across that he can fulfill her needs.

This comes to a halt when Payal refuses Akash in the first proposal. It sheds light on his earlier mistake and he realises that he has been wrong about Khushi all along (so he does not bring up her financial/societal status in insults post the event because Khushi really did end up in fashion show by mistake and more than that - her sister’s marriage did break because of him - not until the hate marriage).

And he realises his error with Lavanya that brings him out of this “I need to possess Khushi” phase.  

So I liked that we saw the ugliest side of their love, the irrational jealousy and demand of possession. And I love that Khushi did not budge in, no matter how much it hurt.

Head-canon: 

Lavanya knew all about it. Hence, she never holds Khushi responsible and instead guides Arnav to making better decisions. 

Also, Khushi went through a similar, crazed phase. Except we never see it because Khushi grows increasingly quiet when her heart is suffering. She uses words to express and choses silence when she does not want to acknowledge.

Public Service Announcement: 

Remember, it’s a good thing that they show us the unhealthy and healthy phase of a relationship between two people who love each other. This phase was decidedly toxic between Arnav and Khushi - when love is jealous, causes pain, is insensitive, is madness - see the signs and don’t go in deep when it’s at this phase. Every love has its time to mature and grow. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Read Part 2

[itsclydebitches]

(1/4) As always, great analysis. You bring in some strong points and it's always great to read! You know what frustrates me the most? Now that we HAVE the Summer lore… Qrow’s anger has even less weight. I’m not saying the blow to his personal self-esteem is anything to shrug off, but I felt if Qrow was going to have such an extreme reaction, then something more was going on in his head – the only conclusion I could come to was the effect it had on his family.

(Never worry about length. I’m the biggest chatterbox around :D)

But thank you! I’ll be honest, a huge part of me is relieved that they didn’t go the ‘Summer died on Ozpin’s orders’ route just because the backlash against him is already so heavy. If the characters and fandom react this badly to things legitimately outside of his control (like the gods screwing him over, Salem abusing him, Raven telling lies, Pyrrha making her own choices, etc.) I hate to think what it would be like if they introduced a Legit Bad Choice into the present day narrative. Something way heavier than, ‘I kept information secret from a group who, in a few days, will decide that is actually the best course of action.’ His character never would have had the chance to recover because Summer is a ghost. In the figurative sense. As a dead mother, she exists as the perfect martyr; as a dead character, she exists as the perfect, blank canvas for whatever the fandom chooses to imagine for her. She can do no wrong because she’s not here and therefore she’ll always be above the man who is forced to continue living and, by default, keep making mistakes. The living can’t compete with the dead like that. 

(Although, we can admit the opposite as well: the characters and the fandom hate Ozpin so much when he’s presented as no better or worse than the rest of the cast, if they’d given him that Legit Bad Choice in regards to Summer it might not have made a difference. People throw him under the bus whether he’s responsible for things or not, so...). 

I’ll say though that you’re right. This severely undermines a lot of the assumptions for why characters, Qrow in particular, are reacting to Ozpin with this degree of coldness. At every turn the narrative undermines the reasons why people are supposedly justified in hating him: 

He’s secretly evil! Oh no wait, “The Lost Fable” killed that theory. 

He got Pyrrha and Hazel’s sister killed! Oh no wait, we all saw Pyrrha make her own choice. The choice that directly contradicted what Ozpin told her to do. We’re likewise shown that Hazel is delusional with grief and can’t accept that his sister chose a dangerous career. 

He drove Qrow’s sister away! Oh no wait, Raven was always a shady character who snuck her way into Beacon, gained Ozpin’s trust, and then (unlike Qrow) betrayed him. Also she abandons her daughter and murders young women for power so... not convinced losing Raven is a downside here. 

He cast horrible magic on the Branwens and kept is secret! Oh no wait, it’s not horrible at all. And Qrow kept it secret, not Ozpin. 

He told lies and kept other secrets! Yeah. So has the rest of the cast. And they’re now telling the exact same lies and keeping the exact same secrets. That’s an ongoing thing. 

Now: He got Summer killed! Oh no wait. He didn’t. No one knows how Summer died. 

It’s the biggest disconnect between showing and telling I’ve ever seen. At every turn the story shows us a flawed but ultimately good man, someone who, to be frank, did really well considering the impossible situation he was thrown into. Yet every time more information is revealed, instead of reacting to it appropriately the cast (and fandom) keeps insisting that Ozpin is the Worst Person Ever. He’s a scapegoat, plain and simple. The worst part is that as a human being Ozpin has made mistakes. And as a 1,000 year old abused and tortured human being his sense of his own responsibility has been completely warped. Ozpin has reached a point where he’s so tired and so grief-stricken that he’s no longer able to accurately look at a situation and say, “No. That wasn’t my fault. Not fully, at the very least. I am not responsible for every horrific thing that has ever happened to you.” His abuse at the hands of the gods, Salem, and others around him has resulted in the belief that he is responsible. For everything. So when the likes of someone like Qrow goes, “No one knows how Summer died... but Ozpin could definitely be responsible” he’s not there to speak up for himself (thanks, @missroseyred) and even if he was he doesn’t have the confidence or the mental health required to call out that undeserved blame. That’s why he left. The group said, “You’re the worst thing that ever happened to us” and Ozpin responded with, “You’re right.” 

Frankly, idk how the story is going to come back from this. If it even can. Because we’ve been given SO MUCH that shows us how good Ozpin truly is and the characters have flat out twisted or ignored it all. Ozpin himself isn’t in a position to speak up for himself and change minds. No one else wants to. Maybe Oscar will, but he doesn’t have to social power or the confidence to refute such a deeply embedded belief. It really just feels like we’re stuck with a show that has everyone insisting Ozpin is The Worst even while everyone is shown otherwise, providing no justification for that contrast, having the characters embody his beliefs and choices, and then not acknowledging that hypocrisy either. It’s pro-protagonist in the extreme. 

So... yeah. “Why are y’all angry again?” It would be great if RWBY would actually force the cast to answer that question and not let them use faulty logic, undeserved blame, or ‘But we’re different’ as answers.

[lovebubblechoices]

The Aftermath [2/2]

Note : As I fear we’ll suffer with today’s Chapter I just wanted to give you this. I know it’s not perfect but I hope you’ll like it. It’s mostly fluff but I mention death and sex (not in the same sentence lol). English is not my first language as you know and MC is still Vicky Monroe

Words: 1,753

Vicky Monroe couldn’t see through her tears and she stumbled on the gravel path but two strong arms caught her just in time so she did not fall on the ground. The massive crowd of family, friend and colleagues was now leaving the cemetery as the funeral was over. You could say the service was perfectly done and orchestrated but sadness and sorrow still lingered over Dr. Monroe’s mind. Vicky came back to her senses and realized she was still in the arms of someone, whom she had already recognized.

“Thank you Dr. Ramsey. I… er… I wasn’t paying attention”

“You’re excused Rookie” Ramsey whispered in her ear. Then he coughed and naturally detached his body from hers. He finally offered his arm to her to make sure she wasn’t stumbling again on anything.

There was a small breeze and it was as if the trees were gracefully dancing for them, encouraging them to do so as well. Neither of them talked but there was no need to talk. Vicky glanced at Ethan who looked absent-mindedly at the horizon. It was a peaceful sight and a peaceful moment after the storm. Dr. Monroe was due to attend a last gathering at Donahue’s where she could have a bite and probably drink a beer, even though she would have preferred something a little stronger. Something like a whiskey on the rocks. Then she chuckled to herself, feeling silly.

“What is it Vicky?”

“Nothing! I was just thinking about how I’d like a whiskey on the rocks but then I… I remember you did not like it on rocks and neither do I” she beamed, pleased with herself. She sighed “Everybody else is going at Donahue’s you know… but I –” she trailed off, tightening her grip on Ethan’s arm who was now intensely looking at her.

“Then I should take you home so you can rest” he said matter-of-factly. And he meant it; there was no husky tone, no invitation to dirty sex. The older doctor just wanted her to feel safe in a peaceful and quiet environment.

“But don’t wanna go home!” she whined like a child.

“I wasn’t talking about your place but mine but don’t get it wrong Vicky, I’m not going to sex you up.”

“Oh…” was all she responded.

They moved aside the path towards Ethan’s car and once inside Vicky tried everything she could to turn him on but she awkwardly failed. She felt ashamed of herself when he scowled her like she was his own little sister.

“Damn Vicky! You’re impossible. You deserve far more than rough sex in the back of a car dammit. Are a whore or a doctor?!” he snapped at her.

Needless to say that the rest of the ride was dead silent. He was mad and she was ashamed of herself. It was the first time she saw him like this, being this angry with her. She could tell it runs deep and she didn’t know what to say to lighten the mood. She wanted to cry so badly because it hurt her but she was not a baby. So she held back her tears and kept her head low thinking how she had messed up big time with him.

“Why are you like this with me, Ethan?” Vicky asked timidly

“Like what?” he replied coldly, his eyes never leaving the road

“Mean… and… and cold-hearted.”

“Truth hurts sometimes. You should know this by now – you’re a doctor. But to answer you properly, I am not mean nor cold-hearted. It’s just…” he trailed of as he did every once in a while, carefully choosing his words “It’s nothing like that Vicky and you know it.” He glanced at her.

“Is it… Is it boundaries again Ethan?” she asked him as her voice was breaking

“No, not anymore…” but he did not develop further and kept his eyes on the road until they arrived at Ethan’s.

In the elevator, the tension between the two was palpable but Ethan’s words were stuck in her head. For one, she was likely not have sex with her lover when she craved for it. She had imagined Ethan would have helped her dealing with her grief with a hot burning makeout session but the events were proving her wrong. Then secondly, the W word had been uttered and it completely shook Vicky to her surprise. Or, more precisely Ethan’s cold but furious anger but now that her brain was not focused on the sex she could have had in that car, she thought she understood him. He highly thought of her and that alone, warmed her heart. Tears began to fall down her cheeks again but the lift stopped as the couple arrived to the right floor. Next thing she knew was that Ethan carried her to his apartment in bridal fashion.

“Ethan! Ethan! What are you doing?!”

“Obviously, bringing you to my place as we were – hey! Don’t do that you little monster”

“You need to put me down! You need to– Oh gosh Ethan!...”

His southern situation was growing and Vicky had felt it against her hip. He put her down in order to unlock his door. The young blonde jumped on the occasion to unbuckle his belt and put both her hands in his underpants. She wanted to give him the best handjob he had ever received from her but she was not expecting to be stopped the way Ethan did.

“Not here babe… not here. Some… somebody could see”

BABE. She was Babe now and she was shocked. She was overwhelmed and she wanted to cry, of joy this time. Her hands had left the underpants and she heard a groan coming from Ethan’s lips. It was dark and wild, an animalistic sound indicating her he was so turned on. She was as well and she hoped that he would have his wicked way with her in the corridor, right against that door. That door which finally opened welcoming their sins and their lust for each other. Ramsey grabbed Vicky’s hand and her whole body was pulled inside the warm cocoon.

Vicky wanted to pick up the things where she had left them in front of the door but Ethan was faster to reverse the situation. He kissed her gently on the lips, biting the lower lip from time to time. Then, soft kisses traveled her jawline and her neck. Vicky moaned less and less quietly as she discovered new sensations on her skin thanks to the Amazonian Gift. Ethan focused again on his babe’s lips, this time asking for access which was granted immediately with a louder moan. The tongues waltzed together in absolute bliss and all lustful thoughts were forgotten on Vicky’s part.

Ethan finally broke the kiss as they were both in need for air. They smiled to each other, quite content with the effect they had on each other. They were completely fluttered and hands were shaking in anticipation of what would come next. But somehow, Ethan was managing to keep his cool and his hands from the incredible woman before him. He cupped her cheeks and open his mouth to speak but she cut him with one finger on his lips.

“Would Ethan Ramsey like a blowjob?” she seductively asked while crawling on the floor

“No”

“No?” she repeated, taken aback by his answer.

“You still didn’t get it love, did you?” he asked helping her back on her feet, never once leaving her eyes. “What I want is to make love to you. What I want is taking the time to explore your marvelous body, every inches of your skin. I want to kiss you until my lips are sore, I want you moaning your love beneath me, I want it to be slow because it is what you deserved.”

And that’s how Vicky knew the last boundary was gone. That’s also why she jumped into his arms taking the initiative to speed things up. Ethan responded in hot moans and groans but he kept control over himself while going to the bathroom. He striped her down, placed wet and hot kisses in strategic places and then ran a bath for her. Once he had checked the water, he very gentlemanly put her inside and stayed outside.

Vicky was truly amazed by him – his will to remain next to her but outside the bath while she was seductively rubbing her skin with her left hand. Ethan kept watching the whole time and he sure wanted to join but he had other plans in mind. At one point, the blue-eyed blonde lady got frustrated because he didn’t want to join in so she splashed water at him. He laughed but didn’t join her but he leaned and devoured her lips once again.

“I can’t join but I’ll take good care of you” he justifies himself

“But I need your hands on me Ethan…” Vicky pleaded. “I need a massage”

“Oh I guarantee you, you’ll have it all” Ethan stated “In the bedroom” he finally added as his eyes were darkening.

 The sex had been intense and amazing as it always was with him somewhere between vanilla and something a little bit wilder and darker as passion was involved. They were now fully dressed and cuddling on couch of the living room, Jenner at their feet and life was quiet simple. Vicky could have easily forgotten she had attended a funeral that morning. She sighed happily as Ethan was running his fingers in her messy hair.

“When did you fall for me Ethan?”

“I don’t really remember for sure if I’m honest. But somewhere around the Tadpole Tragedy I guess”

She kissed him innocently on the lips and then resumed watching outside the window. Ethan was reading some obscure medical document but still payed more attention to her. He kissed the top of her head and replaced the blanket correctly to keep her warm.

“You know… I kind of expected wild sex earlier in the bedroom” she said

“I know yes… But I keep the wild card for our honeymoon” he explained

Vicky did not react at first to the specific term he had just used but when she felt him moving to grab something behind the cushions she chuckled at the window.

“We are not even married Ethan” she replied half amused, half sad by the comment he made

“Then in that case Victoria Rhys Eliana Monroe, I’d advise you to look at me and give your hand.”

[coolspacecowboyuniverse-blog]

No Headlights in Paradise (10/14)

No Headlights in Paradise

Chapter 10 – But Love Wasn't Enough

Song choice: Say it to My Face by Maya Noyes

Read at fanfiction.net

Lily tentatively knocked on the door, taking a deep, un-calming breath. Slag slag cheating slag. The same repetitive cycle had been consistently buzzing through her mind since she had left the Potter household and made her way back to Cornwall… to Smetty. She had duck taped what she'd done with James from her mind but she couldn't avoid what needed to be done now.

Breaking up with Smetty.

The right thing, also the painful thing.

She tried to stop herself from fidgeting as she waited outside his apartment door, each second feeling like forever as her heartbeat pumped fiercely in preparation. The door opened with a creak, and Lily looked into the dark green eyes of her boyfriend.

"Hey," he said, opening the door wider and letting her in, which she did twitchingly.

"Hey back."

He looked back at her as they walked further into the flat. "Do you want something to drink?"

She shook her head before realizing his back was to her, and swallowed. "No, thank you."

Taking a seat on his brown, leather sofa, she breathed in the smell of it before sighing. He took a seat beside her and took her hand in his, leaning over to kiss her gently. Lily responded cautiously before moving back.

"Smetty…"

He looked at her patiently, and Lily would never recover from his maturity. If only she had an ounce of that within her.

"We need to break up," she finally said.

He didn't say anything at first, and set aside his coffee on the table. "Is this why it took you so long to get back?"

She nodded.

"Because of Potter?"

The question paralyzed her. "Not… necessarily."

"Right then," and Lily heard the hint of anger. "Why?"

She put her hand on his, and looked into his eyes, sincerely regretting everything and wishing it was different, that she was different, that they could be together because in every sense of the word her and Smetty could have been happy. But it would never happen as long as her and James circled each other.

"This isn't easy for me… I wish, I wish it was different but I can't be with anyone right now."

He looked at her and shook his head. "Try harder because I was gone for seven weeks, and thinking about you made it easier so if you are going to break up with me at least give me something logical to comprehend."

She wanted to look away but decided she couldn't. She would be brave at least in this moment when in so many other places she had lacked. "I think this summer tore me apart… and I just realized that I needed to grow up and stop dragging myself into situations I shouldn't be in in the first place," she cupped his cheek then and smiled sadly. "You've taught me so much and being with you… I really started understanding what I was looking for in a partner and that's someone who if I ever get stuck in the middle of the night would just come and get me, and I know you are that someone. But I can't lie to you or myself any longer. I want to be with you but my soul… it's somewhere else, and no matter what, I can't string you along anymore because I'll never be there with you hundred percent."

"What if I don't need hundred percent?" he asked firmly.

Tears pricked her eyes and she released his cheek. "I don't think I could give you fifty."

Her harsh words broke his stare and he looked away, leaning against the couch and gave a humorless laugh. "You realize I got back two days ago?"

Lily looked away. "The timing is off but I figured… I wanted it to work desperately and I think, I think I tried convincing myself of it but somewhere along the line I just knew it wasn't right and the longer I dragged it out… it was just unfair, to me and you."

"What exactly did you realize while I was in the middle of the battlefield, and you were where? Oh yeah, staying at your ex-boyfriend's house," he asked, the first signs of anger simmering.

She deserved it, she reminded herself. Uncomfortable, she twisted her fingers. "You're probably right, Smetty. But I can't change what I feel, I've tried. I've tried so hard."

He glanced at her and shook his head. "And you're telling me Potter had nothing to do with this?"

"I'm not saying that… but my relationship with James is a catalyst. And I don't want to be with anyone until I can get it under control. I wish it all pointed to you but it… it just doesn't."

He grabbed her by the shoulders then and Lily let the tears slip as he looked at her adamantly. "Then choose that, Lily!"

She sniffed and looked up at him, as bravely as she could. "I love him."

He released her then, looking to the side. "Nothing about this is rational."

"I know," she mumbled miserably.

He gave a small snort as they both stood up and he walked her towards the door, always the gentlemen. "I'm leaving, you know, for Healer Training at the end of August."

She nodded. "I-I remember. Good luck."

"Thanks," he gave her a short hug. "If you need anything, while at school or outside… I'm here."

Her heart lurched and her mind screamed but the warmth of the stag against her chest reminded her. "Thank you, Smetty. You're going to make someone really happy one day."

She walked away then, not even tempted for one second to look back. Getting to her flat, she collapsed against the couch and looked into the fireplace, and wished.

+++

The trickle of fall had Lily shivering as she made her way towards her Methods of Organic Herbs class. The year had begun, vastly differing from the previous considering Samson and Ezra had graduated and were doing their pre-Healer-in-Training seminars at St. Mungo's. Caleb meanwhile had ended up enrolling in the Field Healer program but it added two extra semesters in that the Healer Academy, which meant more studying for him but for Lily another friendly face on campus and in her classes. Plus, someone to help her study now that Smetty was no longer around. Smetty had also graduated but with high recommendations from his Professors and family connections (his father after all was Healer-in-Charge of Spell Damage at St. Mungo's). He had begun the Healer Trainee program forgoing any additional steps.

Lily bit her lip and mentally forced herself not to think about Smetty and what she had done. The complete loneliness in Cornwall after she had broken up with him and left hastened Sienna's return. Though it was something she never would have requested, apparently her letter's had become so desperate Sienna felt it would be the right thing to do.

Ugh, Lily thought, how pathetic of her.

She had explained to Sienna in short, abbreviated sentences what had occurred between her and James, and though Sienna obviously wanted to know more, she restrained herself. It wasn't that Lily didn't want to talk about, in a sense she wanted too desperately. But talking about it couldn't justify it nor could it change the fact that there was nothing to talk about. For how many times would it take for James enter her life but then to leave so abruptly? Actually, she understood completely every decision that had been made, leaving no analysis to be made or theoretical thinking to be had. It was her burden, her own destruction and her wounded heart. For everything she was feeling, she reminded herself thoroughly, she deserved it. This time she chose it, and this time she deserved it.

"You don't always need to be suffering," Sienna had told her one night.

Maybe, but it wasn't exactly suffering was it? It was acceptance. Because her and James would be intertwined and locked together until one let the other go. And that wasn't going to happen. With all the punishment and suffering, she couldn't let him go. How to explain that to anyone, she didn't know. It didn't make a blink of sense but then again their love never really had. She let Smetty go because James would always come back and she would always go back to him. Somewhere, deep in her dark soul, it sparked hope, but worse than that, it lighted up the pits of her stomach knowing he was as affected by her as she by him, hurt as her as she by him. At least their pain was together even if they weren't.

Frustrated with the lingering thoughts, she trudged home, thinking about making pasta or maybe she could convince Sienna to make her a grilled cheese, so when she opened the door she called out endearingly, "Hey Sienna."

"Uh, Lily," she heard Sienna said tersely and peaked towards the living room and halted. "You have a visitor."

Standing in her brightly lit, airy, white home was Albus Dumbledore. He gave her a pleasant smile as if it was perfectly normal occurrence for him to be there, in Cornwall, at her home. She tried not gaping but it proved difficult as he moved around the couch he had previously been sitting on and came to her.

"P-Professor Dumbledore," she uttered, confused. "Hi."

"Hello, Miss Evans, how wonderful to see you again. I see Cornwall has agreed with you?" he said kindly.

Lily nodded dumbly. "Yes, sir."

"Miss Montgomery has so pleasantly hosted me while we waited. Showed me an American delectation, grilled cheese. Very agreeable indeed."

Lily swallowed and glanced over at Sienna who was grinning at her in complete bewilderment at having someone so wizardly in their home. After all, with his long, white beard and his royal purple robes, nothing screamed not Muggle quite like Albus Dumbledore's appearance.

"Hi," she repeated once more, blinking at him. How was Albus Dumbledore in her home? "What are you- I mean-"

"I am sure my unexpected appearance may have startled you," he chuckled lightly. "Nevertheless, I am here to discuss quite a serious matter with you, if willing?"

Lily nodded her head stupidly. "Of course, yes. I mean… yes."

Sienna made herself scant and went back to her room as Lily buzzed towards the kitchen. "Can I get you anything?"

"Miss Montgomery has already seen to that."

Lily paused her movements and looked back towards her former Headmaster. "Alright…"

They moved towards the setting room, Lily took a seat on the couch while Dumbledore made himself comfortable on the loveseat across. With a wave of his wand, coffee cake appeared. "Do eat, Miss Evans. Finest cake from the house elves at Hogwarts."

Lily tentatively reached for it. "Professor Dumbledore… what are you doing here?"

The bluntness of the question had Lily biting her lip in embarrassment as she flushed. "A fair question, of course. I'm here to ask if you would be interested in joining the Order of Phoenix."

Lily's breath halted in her lungs as she stared into his crystal blue eyes. "The Order of Phoenix?"

"I'm aware that James has already briefly mentioned it," he said as he munched on some of the coffee cake.

Lily nodded her head slowly.

"I established the Order of Phoenix to combat and oppose Voldermort and his supporters outside of the Ministry of Magic," he continued as if it was the utmost normal of topics.

"As in a secret society?" Lily questioned.

"Correct, Miss Evans," Dumbledore stated happily, giving her an encouraging smile.

"Why, are you coming to me now, Professor?" Lily asked. "I only ask because… well everyone seems to have already joined."

"Correct again, Miss Evans. However, you, unlike the rest of your peers, decided to become a Healer, and I believe having someone with your talents would only benefit us. There are so many eager to march forth into battle without thinking, I daresay you could help in and outside the field of battle."

"But I've only completed a year!" she protested though she had no idea why; hadn't she thought herself why she hadn't been included when it seemed almost her entire House had been. She was just as capable! If not better!

"I feel a year is quite enough at this phase. Your capabilities quite efficient, unless you disagree?"

Lily nodded her head quickly. "No, I- I want to join Professor but Smetty… isn't he part of the Order? Why would you need me?"

"Hippocrates and his skills will surely be a valued resources in the Wizarding community, however, he is not a member of the Order of Phoenix. There are a number of Aurors and Healers who assist from time to time, allies of sort, yet are not active participants."

Lily could feel her head spinning from all the new information, wanting to hound Dumbledore for further but biting her lip in restraint.

"There is an Order meeting this Tuesday at eight o'clock in the evening, and I feel as if all your questions will be answered if you wish to attend," his voice soothing but his stare serious.

"I would very much like to attend, Professor. I'm… quite flattered that you thought of me."

"Excellent," he said clapping his hands on his lap and standing. "That is a delight to hear. The meeting will be held at the Bones household, currently the headquarters."

A sliver of parchment appeared before her and Dumbledore handed it to her as she glanced at the address.

"I have to stress however that this is of the utmost secrecy. I need to be assured you will not speak of this to anyone," he glanced briefly at Sienna's closed door.

Lily swallowed and nodded. "I understand."

"I realize, and I wouldn't want to step out of bounds," he said slowly. "That you have a personal relationship with Mr. Potter."

Lily blushed deeply. They had to be the most pathetic couple of all time. "No, we don't. Not… really. I mean… It's complicated, sir."

Dumbledore gave her a knowing smile. "Well, as such, there is a call for secrecy within the Order itself; many people who participate are sent into dangerous and obscure missions that I feel it is preferable that shared knowledge is not always best for a number of reasons. As such, please do not get offended if Mr. Potter chooses not to share each miniscule detail. He is harboring, if it's not too bold to say, a deeply broken heart regarding this matter and I find myself so inept in helping him."

Lily stared at him, her eyes wide as saucers. Was Professor Dumbledore giving her love advice?

"I think I have overstayed my welcome," Dumbledore started, walking in long strides towards the door.

"Oh, no sir," Lily said but Dumbledore raised a hand.

"No need for pleasantries. I will see you Tuesday at eight. There we will give you an assignment and a brief overview, an orientation for you if you like."

"Alright," she said and before she could stop herself. "Professor, will… who else will be there?"

His blues seemed to sparkle and Lily reddened knowing he knew exactly what she was asking. "I assume the entirety of the Order will attend as long as they aren't currently in long term missions."

And with that he walked down the hall and with a small pop Lily watched him vanish. She stared into the abyss for a split moment, not even hearing Sienna's voice call out to her.

"Earth to Lily, Lily," Sienna said and Lily jumped to see her best friend standing right by her.

"Sorry," Lily said, still dazed. "Did this just happen?"

Sienna giggled as they moved to the kitchen and Lily started making her long ago abandoned sandwich. "What did he want?"

Lily tried to act natural as she waved her wand to slice her tomatoes. "He was interested in hearing about my studies and progress… he hasn't always been the clearest of people," Lily added for good affect.

Sienna jumped onto the counter and laughed. "Some wizard though, right?"

Lily laughed. "Don't have them like that in the States?"

Sienna pursed her lips in mock thought. "A bit more refined if you asked me."

Lily rolled her eyes and made sure to pack her sandwich tightly. She took a plate before biting into it.

"How are you?" Sienna asked tentatively.

Lily groaned as she glared at her friend. "I'm fine, honest."

"I know, I'm just checking," she said diplomatically. "I just worry."

"I've felt fine for a while," she added, but Lily couldn't help deny that knowing she was going to be seeing James in four days had soothed her soul. She tried shrinking the thought but it seemed to be growing larger within her, bursting. She refused to be excited about it. She repeated that statement over and over again but eventually in the quiet of her own room she let out a reluctant grin.

+++

Lily smoothed and played with the edge of her skirt for the thousandth time as she stood in front of the Bones house. She wasn't going to reflect on the amount of time she had considered her clothes, changing and unchanging until finally deciding on her white skirt. She smoothed her beige shirt that showed her stomach slightly when she moved before finally knocking.

The door flew open and Lily felt herself being pushed into a whirlwind of noise and cluster. There was a baby screaming, food brewing, and chatter everywhere. People were moving about at such a pace that Lily could barely keep up and she was astounded she couldn't hear any of it outside. Well, she reminded herself, magic.

"You must be Lily," a tall, beautiful brunette said as she came forward.

"Uh, yes," she said as the brunette took her into her arms and hugged her.

"I'm Annabel Bones," she said as introduction. "And this chaos is my home."

Lily laughed at the icebreaker and with the help of Annabel entered further inside. It was a cozy, a feeling of family that Lily instantly recognized and she smiled seeing other members of the Order making themselves feel at home too. She took her by the hand and introduced her to older members she had never met and then led her into the kitchen were people were crowding the counter and eating the trays of food on them.

"Lily!" Marlene said, rushing over and giving her a hug. "Dumbledore told me last night you would be joining us."

"Hi," returning the hug and smiling uncomfortably at all the people surrounding the kitchen that she had met through James's lens.

"You remember Dorcas," Marlene said, pointing to a few of the people around the kitchen who were merrily drinking.

The rush of people Marlene was introducing her to was overwhelming at best. There was Caradoc Dearborn who was extremely handsome and shook her hands firmly, the Longbottoms's who seemed attached at the hip in love, and the Prewett brothers who had everyone cracking up.

"Lily, do you remember Emmeline, you met her at the Christmas party?"

"Yes, of course," Lily said at once as she stared at the gorgeous blonde who was smiling at her warmly.

"Marlene, don't be daft, the party wasn't so long ago," Emmeline said. "Of course, it would be hard pressed to forget the girl who captured Potter's heart."

Lily blushed at her words, and bit her lip nervously as a curious silence descended the group. She had ardently tried to avoid the deeply unsettling excitement pressing against her stomach knowing she would being seeing James soon. How pathetic was she? But she most certainly would not give people the false impression or any preconceived notions that she was too lovesick to join. The Order was an opportunity and she wasn't going to allow James ruin that too.

But Lily noticed that those around her seemed to know enough about her and James, and found it amusing. It bothered her, if she stopped to think about, because she was sure James didn't talk about it casually so what did they know? And how did they know it?

"I'm uh pretty sure I haven't captured anything," she finally said as she felt the inquisitive stares around her.

"Blimey, this is the girl that's torn up Potter?" Caradoc pointed flabbergasted as if she wasn't even there.

Marlene looked at her nervously. "Don't exaggerate. James is fine."

Before Lily could even mentally react to Caradoc's reaction, Fabian burst out laughing. "Potter? Fine? Marlene, you don't exaggerate. Never seen anyone so gutted in my life."

Lily swallowed and bit her lip. "Well, it was nice meeting you but I have to… go."

She couldn't decide in that moment what was worse, being completely ex-communicated from James or actually hearing his name aloud. Every time 'James' or 'Potter' were exclaimed, her heart thumped uncomfortably. But it was a pain she almost yearned for.

She turned around and bumped into a very solid chest, looking up into Sirius Black's smile.

"Ugh, you," Lily muttered as Sirius tried not laughing at her disposition.

"Not such a nice way to greet a friend, Evans."

She glared at him as Sirius gave her bear hug that Lily eventually returned.

"Already got labeled James's girl, eh?"

She glared at the terminology. "I don't understand really. He is the one who keeps leaving me. And everyone here is acting like it's some big joke when it's much more complicated than that."

"Lils, don't. You know how emotional that bloke gets," Sirius said not unkindly as he reached for her shoulders and shook her lightly. "He's broken inside knowing he left you again, and I think you know that and is the reason you broke up with Smethywck."

"I broke up with him," Lily said, shoving Sirius off her. "Because I cheated on him with James."

Sirius winced as she stepped on his foot and walked away but he followed her into the larger living room were everyone was starting to take a seat. She timidly looked around, ignoring her nerves and twisted her stag necklace around her finger. Instinctively, she knew she would know when he arrived as the stag was warm against her hand. Plus, everyone seemed to be waiting for it.

"He's not here yet," Sirius whispered into her ear and Lily whipped around to snarl at him.

"I'm not blind, Black and I don't care."

"She came feisty today," Sirius grinned.

Lily rolled her eyes as they took a seat in the front. She bit her lip hard and purposefully ignored Sirius as she crossed her arms. "Well?"

"Well, what?" enjoying her antsy stance.

"Is he coming?" she finally relented.

"Of course, but he always runs late to these dos. He's not up for social gatherings lately, if you get my drift."

Lily ignored the double meaning and squelched her worry about James. She was not going to begin feeling bad for him. He'd left her. Three times! No one seemed to be worried about her in return.

"Does he know I'm going to be here?"

Sirius bit his lip and shook his head. "He's been on a mission and Dumbledore wanted him to concentrate."

"But you don't seem surprised to see me."

"Well that's because I read the weekly newsletter Dumbledore sends out."

Lily frowned at him again. She saw Dumbledore walk in with a few grown men she had never seen before. They all looked somewhat alarming. The entirety of the group seemed to quiet at their entrance and take their final seats. She saw a few curious stares aimed her way and she tried not to shrink at the growing scrutiny.

"Is that everyone?" Dumbledore said as he looked around. His eyes met hers and sparkled for a second as the front door was shoved open and slammed shut. "Ahh, now it's everyone."

There were a few chuckles and good humored, "Potter." But Lily's heartbeat was nearly bursting through her chest as she pretended to stay indifferent. Everyone around her seemed excited or interested for his entrance and his reaction but only Sirius, herself and Dumbledore seemed to understand the true implications of what was about to happen. Lily suddenly had a flash of anger at Dumbledore for not warning James.

And then he appeared in the entrance to the room, and he looked exactly the same as when he'd left and her heart summersaulted. Tall, messy and tan, James pushed his glasses up his nose, smiling good-naturedly. He shoved his hair out of his eyes and nodded in acknowledgement as his eyes shifted around the room, looking for his friends and place to sit.

"Hiya Potter."

"How's it going?"

"Maybe one day you can be on time so we can all leave on time?"

He laughed good heartily at the remarks, seemingly used to the jiving but he didn't seem to notice her yet, or the fact that half the group was waiting for him to notice her.

"You're late again, Potter. Take a seat, there's a spot next to Black in front," the man besides Dumbledore seemed to growl.

James scanned the room, grinning sheepishly. "Sorry, I was-"

But his entire body halted as his eyes abruptly locked on hers, and the entire room seemed to take a deep breath in trepidation.

James's eyes flickered briefly to Sirius before locking with hers again and she took a deep breath before giving him a tiny smile.

"Hi James."

But his mouth dropped open and stared at her in absolute shock as if she was the foulest, most obscene creature he'd never expected to see in his own house brought to him by those he loved.

"What-What are you doing here?" He uttered as he turned towards Dumbledore not even giving her the dignity to answer. "What is she doing here?"

"I have asked Miss Evans to join us," Dumbledore responded, acting as if James was not about to have a temper tantrum in front of everyone.

"What?" he snarled.

"I believe Miss Evans will be quite helpful in the long term, especially as she continues her schooling to become a Healer. It's why I didn't immediately ask her to join with your fellow classmates as I believed having a Healer in our midst would only be an extraordinarily valuable asset."

James was completely speechless as he glowered at his commanding officer.

"Have you lost your marbles?" James hissed.

Sirius jumped up then. "James, mate, let's hold off, yeah? Not in front of everyone," he said nodding his head to the side and then towards Lily.

But James pushed him off and kept glowering at Dumbledore. "No absolutely not, the answer is no. Lily is not joining the Order."

"Excuse me?" Lily whispered. But James ignored her and kept looking at the leaders in front. "Excuse me?" she repeated firmly and stood up.

James slowly turned around to face her and shook his head wildly, and for one split moment she saw the fear laced in his words before he covered it. "Lily, it's not safe and you can't join."

"Why because you don't want me here?" looking into his brown eyes.

He shook his head at her as if talking to her was a waste of his time. "Everything about this has nothing to do with what I want. And it's not going to happen. I won't let it."

"You, won't let me?" Lily said dangerously. "You who left me wants a say in my life?"

"You can't understand the danger out there, the things I've seen, the things I've had to do. And I won't have you being a part of it. I can't think about you, protect you and have you also be out there. I can't, I won't!" he shouted the last part at Dumbledore vehemently.

The room was filled with a hushed silence as they observed James's increasingly aggressive demeanor at the thought of Lily Evans joining the Order.

"Potter," an older man at the front, who Lily realized was Edgar Bones, said, "this decision isn't about you, it's about the Order. You need to take your personal feelings outside."

"Do not tell me what to set aside. How would you feel if Dumbledore just put Annabel in the Order?"

Bones looked at him curiously with raised eyebrows. "Well I married her, didn't I? I didn't just up and leave her every chance I got. Anyways, she's part of the Order. You need to calm down."

"Mate-" Sirius tried again, bringing a hand on his chest to stop him from attacked Edgar but James just glared at him as he shoved him away.

"Professor, please," James implored desperately to Dumbledore. "I'm asking you not to do this."

"James," Lily said delicately. James turned to face her and she swallowed painfully as he looked into her eyes. "I'm joining and you can't stop me. This is my fight as much as yours. I promise you won't need to worry about saving or protecting me…. We aren't part of each other's lives, yeah? You didn't want me in yours and… and I accepted that. So you see… if your concern is about that then it's all right, I promise to stay out of you way."

James looked thunderstruck at her words and Lily shrunk, as his stare grew more furious.

"Have you gone mad?" James shouted. "You are all I bloody think about! I can't fucking sleep or eat because I keep thinking about the last time I was forced to leave you knowing you probably would hate me for all goddamn eternity. Knowing you would be going back to your stupid bloody boyfriend and would leave me behind for good when I love you more than he ever could! Haven't you realized you're everything to me?"

Lily turned absolutely white at his words. Her heart shuttered in painful bursts as James huffed out angrily, as his words were left to sink to the bottom pits of her broken soul. Her throat swelled, and she bit her lip painfully to keep from crying as James continued to fight with his superiors.

She made brief, broken eye contact with a scarred man before looking down at her feet.

"Potter," the scarred man said, cutting him off roughly. "Why don't you sit down and stop embarrassing Evans. And yourself."

"I don't care about myself-"

"James," Dumbledore said softly but firmly. "Take a seat. We can discuss this after."

The silence was stiffening, as everyone looked at each other and at them as if they thought they had been reading an amusing romance and realized it was a tragedy.

James snarled as Lily fell back into her seat. He slumped pointedly down beside her and Sirius besides him and crossed his arms angrily as he fiercely ignored and shot daggers at the commanders at the front of the room. Lily gave him the cold shoulder trying to ignore the shame, embarrassment and sudden doubt the entire confrontation had caused.

Dumbledore clapped his hands. "Now that everyone is here, I would like to introduce our newest recruit, Lily Evans," there was a brief smattering applause as everyone was still processing the recent confrontation. She heard James huff besides her and tried to overlook the deep stabbing in her heart he elicited. "For those unaware, Miss Evans arrives following her first year at the Healer Academy. Before that she was Head Girl at Hogwarts. She will be a great asset to us. Lily, welcome to the Order."

Lily nodded her head mutely at him and his kind eyes flashed through her and her heartbeat began to finally reduce in speed. But she remained overwhelmed, as the words and emotions seemed to swirl with a thick tension around her.

"Right then, Bones, why don't you provide an update?"

"We were able to infiltrate a meeting for supporters of the Dark Lord. The meeting seemed to be more fans of the movement than anything else, but I don't think we should ignore it as I think it reflects the growing community support of the blood rites. Though I must say, their seemed to be a delusional sense of confusion believing that by creating stronger laws and restrictions against Muggle borns it would create a broader sense of decorum. Essentially creating a stronger border rather then solving the problem at large. I believe with a solid foundation of education, many can be shifted."

And on it went as Lily heard the updates of each person's mission, and for a split second forgetting her embarrassment in the large room and listening to the tales of those around her. It was fascinating because a resistance existed. The fight didn't seem to be so extract or far removed. Maybe there was an ending to all this strife. Maybe it would work out…

Lily tentatively glanced over at James and though his eyes were still fiercely looking at the front of the room in anger, his hands had uncrossed and his fists unclenched. He looked over at her as he felt her gaze and he looked at her like he always looked at her. Like he was in love with her or something. And Lily felt her heart stop because after all it was still James Potter and no matter how many sleepless nights he caused her, she was still in love with him back.

A freckle of a smile graced his cheeks as he realized she had calmed down. "Alright Evans?"

She snorted at him and turned away, looking straight ahead. "What do you want, Potter?"

She recognized the joyful smirk even as she continued staring away, crossing her arms and making a false attempt to listen to the people debating around her. "Just staring at you. You're quiet a beauty to look at."

"Please don't, you've embarrassed me quite enough for one evening."

"Ahh well you can't blame me for that," he whispered as Dumbledore called on someone. "I saw your pretty head and mine exploded. Can you blame me?"

"Of course."

He laughed and then said, "Evans, go out with me."

She whipped her head around and glowered at him. "It's like you've reverted to Fifth Year James."

He grinned at that. "Now, that's not an answer. C'mon Evans, go out with me. You know you want too."

"No, thanks. I'd rather go out with the giant squid," she said smirking herself and turning back to the front.

He snorted and then felt her entire body tingle as James touched her thigh familiarly. He soothed his fingers back and forth and each time getting a touch closer to her crossed legs, and Lily glared at him.

"Half an hour ago you were seething at the mouth seeing me here and now you want to feel me up?" she huffed.

He shrugged mischievously as he moved his hand further upwards. "I had time to think about it and you being in the Order might not be so bad."

She slapped his hand away as she uncrossed her legs. "Have you gone mad?"

"Sorry," he said jovially as his hand once more found its way up her thigh. "I can't seem to resist, maybe you shouldn't have worn a skirt, or maybe you did that on purpose."

She most definitely did it on purpose but she wasn't very well going to tell him that. So she pinched his fingers instead. "Get off, you big ole brute."

He just grinned buoyantly at her, and put his hand around her chair as he leaned further in, his other hand touching her thigh knowingly. "C'mon Evans, don't tell me you don't feel anything."

She shivered involuntarily and before she could even respond, Moody's eye zoomed in on them, leering before barking: "Potter, why don't you keep your hands to yourself until after the meeting. We've enjoyed enough of this show between the two of you."

Lily blushed furiously while James grinned unashamedly as they once more became the center of attention but James kept his hand around her chair for the remainder of the evening, his fingers stroking her shoulder gradually.

When the meeting concluded, and people lined up to receive their newest assignments, Lily stood up awkwardly and James's arms slumped at the release.

"Lily," he started but before he could continue, Dumbledore called out to the two of them, "James, Lily, do keep back for a moment."

As people filtered out, Dumbledore motioned for them to sit. "I realize that Lily joining was a shock but I do hope you will not interfere in the process."

"Of course not but-"

"She is an extraordinarily talented witch and will only benefit us greatly, don't you agree?"

"She's an amazing witch but-"

"Excellent," Dumbledore said clapping his hands. "With that settled the two of you are free to leave."

Lily didn't even try to hold back her grin as Dumbledore swept past them out of the room, leaving them alone. It was quiet for a moment, and Lily watched as James ruffled his hair, and she couldn't help but reaching out and fixing it.

Her tender touch left him facing her and their eyes locked as she stroked his hair down to his cheek and cupped his face.

"James," she said. "I'm joining. I was always meant to join, and it was just a matter of time. Dumbledore wanted me to gain Healing experience before I do and you lot need Healers. I've never seen such a banged up group."

"Lily," he murmured and placed his hand over hers. "I just… you have to understand how… terrifying… I can't have anything happen to you. I don't want to imagine it."

She didn't answer because there was nothing to say so she stayed with him in that very brief moment of solidary confinement when the danger was outside and they had nothing left but their broken relationship. Just for another moment to be with him and pretend that he still loved her as much as she loved him.

"I better go," Lily whispered after a while, releasing him and getting up.

"Where?" James asked a bit desperately, following her.

"Home… Back to Cornwell. I have class tomorrow."

"To your boyfriend," James said resigned as his hand leafed through his hair.

"Uh actually," Lily started awkwardly and James gaze snapped to hers. "I broke up with him."

"You did?" James asked energetically. "I mean, are you okay?"

Lily held back her grin at his reaction and shrugged. "I couldn't really be with him after what happened… I wasn't fair to him."

James stopped smiling, his face intense as he looked at her. "I would say I'm sorry, but that's about the best news I've ever received."

Lily bit her lip and looked away before flashing her eyes back to his.

"You should stay a bit," James said. "Hang out with the gang, they always hang around after a meeting… or we can go to a pub and… talk."

Lily couldn't help but laugh. "You? Want to talk?"

James shrugged. "Well, sure. Why not?"

Lily shook her head as the outside darkness gloomed on the reflection of the window. "What do you want to talk about? How you left without saying goodbye? The first or second time?"

"Lily," James said moving towards her but she stepped back.

"No, okay, not about that. How about the fact that you've never written me, or come to visit, or even the good old fashioned Muggle way and called me?"

James shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Stop it."

"You're the one who wanted to talk."

"Not like this," he retorted but Lily rolled her eyes at him. James crossed his arms in defense and huffed. "I know… I acted poorly but you can't understand what it's been like. Ever since Dumbledore approached me about the Order, I've had to put everything before it."

"Even me?" Lily asked. James sighed in frustration and Lily looked away from him. "This feels hopeless."

"Don't say that," he said angrily.

"What am I supposed to say? You don't talk to me or share anything with me but you won't leave me alone."

The silence was deafening as they looked at each other and how twisted was it that the only person Lily wanted comfort from was the person causing it.

"Right, I'm going to go," Lily said and started to walk away but he blocked her path.

"Stay, I'm sorry I-"

"You what? Want to shag me and then leave me?"

"Stop saying it like it means nothing between us," he said fiercely. "I'm in love with you and if there wasn't the war and people dying and battles to fight then I would be in your bed and never leave but I made a commitment to end this bloody war and I need to give it my all! Because if for one moment I think about what I have at home… like I said, I would never leave it."

Lily's body throbbed at his words, as he stood tall over her, and her breathes came out in short pants. "That's more then you've ever said."

"Stay…" he whispered again as his hands finally wrapped around her and into his embrace. The feeling of him was too familiar, too right to ignore but there was still so much leftover pain.

She tried pulling away but he held her. "This never ends well for me."

Knowing what was at stake, James threw his entire stack in. "Stay with me tonight."

She glanced up at him and she wanted to shake her head but his eyes were so sad, so alone. "James… I always want to stay but I can't keep doing this. It's so painful and I love you too much."

"But it's different now. You are in the Order, I can… I can tell you things I couldn't before." She bit her lip and turned her head but he pulled her back and looked deep into her eyes.

"Does this mean you're committing to me?"

James remained silent and moved down to kiss her but she turned to the side and he got her cheek. "You can't pacify me with a kiss. I want an answer."

"You're here, I'm here. Don't you want to be with me?"

She shook her head. "James, that's not enough. I don't want a maybe, I want a yes."

"Its not that simple it. Why can't we have now?"

She didn't respond but she didn't move from his embrace either. He was being unfair; he knew he was being unfair. She wondered if the war had anything to do with it. His reaction, for sure. But her reaction to him? Never really knowing if this moment could be the last.

"Don't leave me," he finally said, cupping her cheek in his hand.

"I've never left you," she sighed heartbreakingly. "Don't you know? It's my only vice."

And then James was kissing her. And she let him because she was weak and she loved him and she was scared. And the hardest thing in life was letting go of someone you love when they are saying they love you back.

She was never letting go of James Potter. And he most definitely was never letting go of her.

He swept her off her feet, and the months of longing took over as she buried herself in his neck and let his achingly familiar scent wash over her. He climbed the stairs to the unfamiliar house, careful to avoid the ruckus below and Lily remained silent because she was tired of talking. She wanted to close her eyes and be with him. Because when he held her like that, he almost felt like hers. James skillfully opened a door to a little room but Lily clung to him even then, refusing to remove her arms around his neck and in that moment Lily couldn't stop the hiccupping sob that broke against his chest.

"Lily," James whispered as his entire body tensed at her tears. "Don't cry."

The way he was still gently holding her in his arms only caused more tears to flow. Lily began sobbing openly as she clung to his chest, scared already of the moment it would end. So James held onto her as he waited for the tears to subside and Lily burrowed herself into the solid warmth of his body wishing she were stronger, not knowing if being with him was right or wrong. Only knowing that being with him brought her a comfort she couldn't deny.

His lips brushed her forehead gently before bending his head to slide his lips along hers. Lily leaned further into him and deepened the kiss as they clung together in the middle of the room for long moments, exploring each other for the limited time they had.

James set her down and looked deeply into her eyes. "Do you want to be here?"

One look at him and Lily had already made her decision when he'd stepped into the Order meeting. "Where else do I have to be?"

James kissed her lightly, before taking his wand out of his back pocket and locking the door and then casting the Silencing charm.

"Will anyone… look for you?" Lily said as she looked around the room that held a twin bed that seemed barely large enough to house James's tall form. She looked back at James standing in the middle of the room as he watched her movements. She sat on the bed and noticed on the bed rest two worn out pictures and picked up the first one of him and the rest of the Marauders waving gloriously at her with the Hogwarts castle behind them. Putting it down, she picked up the second one. It was of her and James near the great lake; his arms wrapped around her waist as he snuggled in the curve of her neck and she smiling contently at the camera.

James walked forward and cupped her cheeks, and Lily's heart rammed against her chest as she dropped the photograph. "No… this is my room when I stay with the Order."

"Oh," she murmured.

He crouched down to face her. "I know it's small… I don't really have company," he said, tracing the side of her face.

Lily closed her eyes at the feel of his hand. "I'm sure we'll make do."

Lily sighed as his lips pressed against the flesh of her neck. Despite the tension she could feel permeating from his body, his kisses were gentle, his lips tender, almost reverent. He laid them both down on his tiny bed, and the space becoming cramped with as his legs hung off the end and Lily giggled lightly. James looked down at her mockingly as she pulled him down to kiss her.

He took infinite care as his hands wondered down her body in the ways she liked, touching her at the sides of her breasts and down closer atop her thigh. Lily hitched up her leg and closed her eyes at the feel of him against her. She groaned into his neck as his slow hands moved up and down her body, finally cupping her breast. She wanted to weep at his hesitance and could feel with every touch of her body the way he wanted to protect her, even from himself.

He suddenly moved off her, rolling them both to their respective sides. He kissed her forehead gently and looked at her seriously.

"I love you, Lily."

"I love you, too."

His hand shook as he swept away a dried tear. "I don't want to hurt you anymore."

Lily cupped his cheek. "Don't say something you can't help."

"I mean it though."

"I know. That's the worst part."

James made to answer but Lily pulled him towards her to kiss him shut. "Stop, just stop talking. Just love me, please."

So he brought her lips back to his and kissed her so tenderly a few tears dropped. How was she going to watch him walk away again? But it didn't matter; it had obviously never mattered because James was her soul mate. As one of his hands sifted under her skirt, she just let it go.

And tomorrow would bring tomorrow. But for now… she kissed him back ardently as his hand slid up the outside of her thigh, gently grasping the swell of her bum. She arched against his touch and smiled when James groaned inwardly. He moved to pull her skirt down and unhooked it from the front as he tossed it aside, groaning at the sight of her bare legs clad only in a blue thong.

"You're so fucking fit," James said as he pushed himself up. He pulled off his shirt, leaving it a heap on top of her skirt and pulling off her shirt with it. Lily wrapped her legs around James for a single, hot kiss. James gave one powerful thrust against her barely clothed body and Lily moaned as he got up quickly to shed the rest of his clothes. Lily glanced at his nude form up and down and then into his eyes, smiling as he jumped back into bed with her.

"You can't be looking at people like that, Evans," James said cheekily. "They might get the wrong idea."

Lily just arched into his body and he groaned as he pulled her closer and kissed her soundly. It felt so fucking good to be back in his arms. They kissed just like that for a long while before James pulled slightly back and traced his fingers up and down her thigh. He kissed her swollen lips as he cupped her breasts through her lace bra and then fingered her necklace with the stag simmering against her skin.

"You kept it?" he whispered huskily as his other finger played with her nipple.

"Yes," Lily breathed as the sensation overflowed her. "I never take it off."

Seemingly satisfied with her answer, James reached to unsnap her bra and watched as the black lace slid down her arms. James gave her one smirk before descending to take a pebbled nipple into his mouth. His sucked roughly, before tugging lightly with his teeth. Lily hissed in pleasure, whispering his name as she arched her chest against his mouth.

"James, harder," she begged in silent entreaty but he only chuckled and continued to take his time. His hand came up to massage her neglected breast as he suckled her silky flesh.

Lily's response was immediate and intense. Blinded by her growing need, she draped her leg over his hip, arching against him. Her movement pressed his engorged cock roughly against the softness of her inner thigh, and he groaned in pleasure. Shifting his weight onto one arm, he moved his hand from her breast down to the apex of her thighs. Grabbing the waistband of her thong, he pulled it down her legs as she instinctively spread them, his skillful fingers lightly petting her sex.

He carefully opened her with his finger, sliding into her wet heat as one, and then two fingers stroked her. Lily mewled in response, and James met her gaze staring deeply into her eyes as his thumb traced slow circles around her clit. Lily panted at the intensity of the moment, touching him reverently as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. His explorations continued and Lily twisted in ecstasy, arching against his hand with a whine of need as he curled his finger. She shut her eyes at James's rough chuckle, the urgency of their combined need too much.

James situated himself at her entrance and before she could process what was happening, he removed his fingers and his cock lightly stroked her outside lips. He didn't plunge into her, instead took deep breaths to calm down. Lily brought his lips down to hers in adoration and kissed him completely. As they continued to kiss deeply, his hips pressed forward to push inside her warmth. He continued sliding into her for long drawn out minutes as the kiss increased emotionally, until at last he was fully situated inside her welcoming body. Lily groaned frantically against his mouth as he held onto her tightly.

James broke off the kiss, resting his forehead gently against hers as they both panted harshly. The sensation of being one, of being whole again after such a long absence swept over them both. The feeling was incredible. Burying his head in the juncture of her shoulder, James thrust against her, his movements a seamless glide as she eagerly accepted him. She arched under him, grasping his shoulders tightly as he continued to stroke in and out of her body. Lily mewled again as she felt her climax fast approaching and James did everything in his power to hasten her release, angling his hips to press exactly where she needed it the most. The sensation broke over her like a wave and she arched against him sharply, throwing her head back as a cry of release tore from her throat.

James's movements intensified as her ecstasy overtook her and soon he was pounding against her as her inner muscles rippled around his sex. The feel and scent of her was too much and with a harsh shout, he joined her, his muscles cording as his cock touched the mouth of her womb, pouring into her liquid depths.

Long moments later, Lily lay boneless on his chest, having switched positions. Relishing in the afterglow, James stroked her back.

"Sorry," he said with a sleepy laugh.

She looked up and gave him her own sleepy smile. "About what?"

"That probably should have lasted longer."

"It was okay," she said as he pinched her bum lightly.

"Just okay?" he whispered into her hair.

"You asked," she murmured as she snuggled into his neck and let his hands stroke her to sleep.

+++

Lily rolled over and groaned as she tried not to fall off the small bed. She pushed herself back into a comfortable position, and for the meantime ignored the empty space beside her as she shut her eyes and disregarded the pandemonium of anxiety lacing throughout her entire body.

She opened her eyes slowly and glared openly at the cold space that had once housed the useless, good for nobody James Potter. He wasn't there. Obviously. This time she had felt him leave, blinking awake as he pulled on his pants.

"You're leaving?" she said drowsily.

He faced her in surprise and came over to sit besides her, caressing her hair. "Go back to sleep."

"You're leaving?" she asked again but was already blinking her eyes shut as James stroked her back to sleep.

"Coward," she mumbled into the sheet.

She rolled over, sitting up as she stretched her arms high and glanced out the small window in which they had never closed the shades. The sun shone brightly in the unfamiliar room as she picked up James's discarded white undershirt and slipped it on, snorting in annoyance. So desperate to get away he couldn't even dress properly.

She looked over at the clock and considered the fact she had forty-five minutes before her next class. She shut her eyes and then opened them faced with the bright sunlight of the day. She heard the chirping of the birds and squeal of little children and in the far distance she saw the outlook to a beautiful day. She swallowed the massive anxiety in her throat and took a deep breath. Tears pricked her eyes in frustration as she put her head between her hands.

In the darkness of last night, Lily had made her decision but the daylight was blinding. And in that moment, Lily almost wished she had never met James, or gone to Hogwarts… or even been a witch. She laughed with no humor at the absurdity of it.

She pulled on her skirt and slipped on her shoes, taking the rest of her discarded clothes and stuffing them into her purse. She tiptoed down the hall and the stairs, looking around and jumped when Annabel Bones came out of the kitchen.

"Oh, Lily, sorry. You startled me," she said with a happy smile.

"I'm sorry, I uh… you probably weren't expecting to see me in your house, so early, in the morning," Lily babbled, blushing at the implication.

"Actually, James mentioned you'd probably still be sleeping."

"Oh," Lily said slowly. "So you saw him? This morning?"

She gave her a considerate smile. "He didn't speak in so many words but he did take a cuppa on his way out."

Lily gulped and tried desperately to contain the overwhelming sensation of wanting to scream. "Right, well. He's an arsehole and I need to get going."

"Oh, I didn't mean to-"Annabel began but before either could move a small, beautifully dressed girl came whirling out of nowhere. "Mama, mama!"

Lily watched as Annabel scooped her up and set her at her side. "Lily, this is my daughter Charlotte, Charlotte this is Lily."

The girl smiled shyly at Lily, leaning into her mother's arms, her pink dress fluttering around her. "Hi," she said shyly.

"Hi," Lily murmured softly to the beautiful child. "I like your dress."

"It's pink!"

"My favorite color," Lily said to the precious child.

The girl reached out for Lily then and Lily couldn't help taking her into her arms. So pure, nothing had hurt her yet.

"Lily, why don't you come into the kitchen for some breakfast?" Annabel said softly as she steered the two girls inside before Lily even knew how to react.

"I-I have class soon," Lily uttered as Charlotte played with her hair.

"You have red hair," Charlotte stated as she bunched up her eyebrows in examination. "I have brown. Mama," Charlotte demanded, "Can I have red hair?"

Her mom laughed as she waved her wand and begun cooking breakfast. "No, darling."

Her innocence seeped into Lily's chest as she hugged the girl harder before letting her down. She regretted it instantly but Charlotte had already run into the backyard chasing a butterfly. The imagery stuck with Lily as she faced Annabel again.

Annabel smiled as she placed a plate of breakfast in front of Lily. "I have to say I can't help but be glad you and James seem to be working it out."

Lily looked at her sharply. "Excuse me?"

"Oh, I didn't mean it in any way it's just James has spent so many nights here with me and Edgar, well, discussing your relationship."

Lily sat there, her food untouched as she looked at the women. "What relationship?"

Lily knew she was making her uncomfortable but she didn't care. All these people thought they understood the intricacy. But they didn't. They couldn't. "It's just… well when you spent the night, I assumed…"

"Is James here?"

"No."

"Then there is nothing to assume, yeah?"

"Lily," Annabel said trying to touch her hand but Lily flinched. "I don't mean to pry, I just got excited. He talks about you all the time. He loves you very much."

Lily glared at the women. "Loves me? You don't know me or anything about it." Her unexpected anger took Annabel by surprise but Lily was done hearing justification for James or for her reaction to him. "Love has nothing to do with it. And by the way, love isn't enough."

"No, no of course. Lily I didn't mean-"

"You didn't mean to what? Defend him?"

"I just didn't want you to feel upset that he wasn't here… he was called for a mission. He didn't really have a choice."

Lily rolled her eyes big time. "That's thick. There is always a choice and James knows exactly what he is doing."

"Lily-" Annabel started but Lily had had it up to here with the Order's opinion of her and James.

"No, you don't get a say in this! None of you do! Everyone around here thinks James and I are just big ole joke, a couple of young lovers that can't get it together. Well it's not funny or a joke because everything that is happening, it's happening to me! James always had a choice, and his choice has never been me! You say he loves me, why doesn't he love me enough to stay! And I'm not talking about him choosing me over his mission, I mean him waking me up and saying goodbye properly. Claiming to want to protect me isn't an excuse and neither is the fact that he got called upon a mission. There are so many decisions made in between that then just up and leave!"

"Lily, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean…"

Lily shook her head, not having the courage to look at her out of shame and embarrassment and frustration. She was so tired of thinking about James. Before Lily knew what was happening she was engulfed in a hug by the stranger.

"I'm sorry," Annabel murmured, as Lily remained stiff in her warm arms. "I shouldn't have assumed anything." She released her and gently and put Lily back into her seat as if she was a little girl.

"Why don't you eat? A shame for it to go to waste."

Lily nodded mutely and picked up her fork mechanically, taking a bite of the scrambled eggs on her plate. They were slightly milky and Lily let out a small smile.

"You put milk in the eggs? My mom used to do that."

"I can't take the credit, I'm afraid," Annabel said, looking at her sheepishly. "James told me."

"Oh," Lily said feeling suddenly uncomfortable at how she had yelled at this very nice lady who had made her breakfast. "So it was more than just a cuppa?"

"Well… he's just so hungry all the time. I've never seen anyone stuff food down his throat the way he does," Annabel said, successfully lighting down the mood. "Expect maybe Sirius."

Lily let out a small laugh at that.

"So I made him breakfast. He… He was very nervous about leaving. He kept twitching and slipping his coffee."

Lily ate another chunk of her eggs. "Yeah, well… he's a tosser."

Lily watched as Annabel came over and sat across from her, taking one of her hands in her own. "I won't pry, and I realize there is a lot I don't know… But this life, the Order life, I mean… it's not easy. Especially when you love someone. And I'm not defending him," Annabel said as she saw Lily begin to speak. "But people react in different ways, and James is still incredibly young."

Lily looked out the window again into the blue sky, sighing at her reflection. "It's hard because he doesn't share anything with me and everyone just expects me to understand," Lily looked at Annabel. "And I just don't."

"I think he is learning… the hard way. You have to understand, Lily," Annabel said softly and Lily looked into her eyes. The eyes of someone who knew. "He's terrified out there. And that terror doesn't disappear when he enters this house or anywhere else. And instead of dealing with that terror he suppresses it but suppressing it means also suppressing you."

Lily gulped. "I just wish… sometimes I wish that I-" But the words wouldn't come out and Annabel reached for her with understanding. "It's just not fair because I love him so much and I don't want too. Can you imagine loving someone you wish you didn't?"

Annabel gave her a comforting hug and Lily leaned into her strong shoulders desperate for affection. "Leaving you all those times… I think it's the biggest regrets of his life. And at this point, he would rather not deal with it because there is too much at stake and too much he's lost."

"I-I don't understand," Lily said as she whipped the tears.

"He loves you so much that not having you in his life is not comprehensible but having you in his life is worse because then he would have something to lose. He doesn't understand that he is already losing."

Lily didn't respond for slow minutes, not knowing what to do any longer. It was horrible, feeling so out of control with rationality when he was around.

"How do you and Edgar do it?" Lily asked softly.

Annabel laughed heartily as Lily let her go. "I'll tell you if you finish eating. I have no idea but I'm assuming you lost weight."

Lily gave her a weepy smile and resumed eating.

"You have to understand also that me and Edgar are married so he can tell me everything, and we have Charlotte keeping us together. So it doesn't give him much of a choice, you see, to run away though I'm assuming sometimes he wants too," she said lightly in humor.

Lily laughed and shrugged helplessly. "That seems impossible."

"What?"

"Baby, marriage. James can't even spend the night with me properly let alone propose marriage. His brain would probably explode at a baby."

"I think you'd be surprised."

Lily snorted and rolled her eyes as she drank the orange juice in front of her.

Annabel looked at her curiously. "What if he did?"

Lily looked at her incredulously and let out a burst of laughter. "What? Ask me to marry him?"

"Yeah," she said simply.

Lily wanted to laugh hysterically because hadn't she considered it before? Hadn't she dreamed it beautiful fantasies were the sun was shining and the sky was the clearest color blue and James stayed?

She looked at Annabel with open eyes and shrugged. Annabel gave her a light pat on her shoulder and grinned as she got up.

"Do you want anything else to eat?"

"Oh no, I'm good thanks." But Lily remained in her seat as she watched Annabel move around the kitchen. "James talks about me?"

Annabel looked back at her. "Honestly? He doesn't talk about much else." She closed the cabinet and looked at Lily pale in the chair. "I realize that James has acted… poorly in regards to you, and there's obviously a lot I don't know. But to us… he's slightly obsessed."

"What does that mean?"

"He doesn't talk about you in so many words but he stays here a lot when he's out on missions. When's he's not fighting he's thinking about you and when he is fighting, he's reckless."

It was too much. Too much information to process. First with the Order, her night with James and now this. Lily just wanted to get back to what she was good at. And away from these emotions and if James could suppress her, well she could suppress him right back.

"I-I should probably get going. Class and all," Lily said as she stood.

"Of course, and Lily if you need anything, the door is always open."

But before Annabel could say anything else, Lily walked out and Apparated.

TBC

[clefaiiiry]

A Short Analysis on Cyrus

Discussions of Abuse, and mentions of Suicide and terrorism are below. If any of these are unsettling to you, it may be better to skip.

Google Docs Version

The Pokemon games have a long list of fun, interesting, and sometimes downright intimidating villains. The series also has a shaky relationship with the concept of abuse and how that affects an individual’s development and actions. So combining the two was only inevitable.

Up until Generation 4, the villains in Pokemon had never really had their backstories play such a vital part of understanding their motivations. Giovanni is a Yakuza boss out to make money, Archie and Maxie are environmental extremists, but Cyrus is on an entirely different level. Cyrus’ goal is to create a new universe, one where the human spirit does not exist.

(And yes, the focus here is on his characterisation in Platinum for multiple reasons but to keep it short, Platinum is the version I am most comfortable in discussing.)

Cyrus is driven by the desire to rid the world of strife. Strife is defined as “angry or bitter disagreement over fundamental issues.” As long as humanity exists in its current state, disagreements will always be an inescapable part of life.

A noble cause, but his actions are still morally corrupt. He manipulates his followers into complete unquestioning loyalty, organises terrorist attacks on natural landmarks, and steals Pokemon for the purpose of experimentation. But he justifies all of it in his mind, because it will all be worth it when he finally rids the world of suffering and strife.

He believes that strife is created by the human spirit. When the player meets him in Mt Coronet, he says:

“According to one theory, Mt. Coronet is where the Sinnoh region began. In a newly created world... A world where only time flowed and space expanded... There should have been no strife. But what became of the world? Because the human spirit is weak and incomplete, strife has spread... This world is being ruined by it... I find this state of affairs deplorable…”

To him, spirit and emotions are the weakness of humanity. Anger makes us act violently, sorrow leaves us wallowing in self pity, even positive emotions like joy or love only serve to cloud our judgement. If we were not shackled to the weight of our emotions, humanity would surely flourish. At least, that is Cyrus’ belief.

Cyrus acts as if he is above this, as if his emotions do nothing to affect his behaviour, but he is just as driven by his emotions as everyone else is. But because he doesn’t allow himself to feel the good along with the bad, it only leads to a self-destructive spiral that only further proves his own hypothesis to himself.

But why is it that he is so thoroughly convinced that the human spirit is to blame for strife?

There’s a house on Route 228, past the Resort Area on the way up to Stark Mountain where you find an old man who will tell you about his grandson. Even though it is not explicitly stated that the man is related to Cyrus, most people are in agreement that it is his grandfather.

The house is so out of the way from the rest of the game that most people won’t even bother to get that far. First, you have to beat the Champion and unlock the Battle Frontier. Then you have to see every Pokemon in Sinnoh to unlock the National Dex. Then you have to pass through most of the Routes in the Battle Area and go on a damn hike around Route 228 just to get to the guy’s house. It is because of this that Cyrus’ motivation is often confused with that of his Diamond/Pearl or anime counterparts, wherein the whole ‘Cyrus wants to become a God’ thing comes from. This is not present in Platinum.

But once finally finding the house, Cyrus’ grandfather will tell you about how, despite being an gifted student, his grandson struggled to live up to the expectations set up for him by his parents. At best, this implies pushy helicopter parents, and at worst abuse and neglect, leading to deep feelings of rejection and lack of self-worth.

He generally preferred his own company or that of easily predictable machines than that of humans and Pokemon, both of whom were more difficult to predict given how volatile emotions can be. Victims of emotional abuse often find themselves avoiding social situations, so they don’t have to live up to the rules paired alongside them.

His grandfather comments on how he regrets not taking Cyrus away from his parents. Often times other family members who failed to stop the abuse find themselves the target of more hate than the abusers themselves. Even if his grandfather tried to reach out to Cyrus after he left home, he likely would not have received a positive response.

Long term effects of emotional abuse include, but are not limited to:

Emotional instability

Inability to trust

Withdrawal

Depression

Aggression

Sound familiar?

Cyrus has a lot of misplaced anger. He has outbursts of extreme aggression which are quickly pushed down. After the player defeats/captures Giratina in the Distortion World, Cynthia attempts to reason with him only for Cyrus to respond with unfiltered rage:

“Silence! Enough of your blathering! That's how you justify spirit as something worthwhile?! That is merely humans hoping, deluding themselves that they are happy and safe! (...) ...Enough. We will never see eye to eye.”

Despite his best efforts, he is unable to stop himself being controlled by his own emotions and he hates himself for it. Cyrus choosing to accept the empty Distortion World over the real world is as close to symbolic suicide as Game Freak could possibly get without explicitly stating it.

But then comes the question of redemption. Despite how utterly monstrous some of his actions are, mechanical storytelling shows us there is still good in him, even if it’s buried under all the questionable morality.

To make sure everyone is on the same page, mechanical storytelling when you express a narrative concept through a mechanical one.

For example: Ghetsis in B2W2 has a Hydreigon with the move Frustration at full power. Frustration is a move that gains power the less friendship a Pokemon has with their trainer.

During the first battle the player has against Cyrus in Celestic Town, his team consists of Sneasel, Murkrow, and Golbat. By the time you battle him for a second time in the Galactic HQ, his Golbat has evolved into Crobat, a Pokemon which only evolves via high friendship. The can either be interpreted as just further emotional manipulation or further proof that he is not as in control of his emotions as he likes to think.

What stops any potential for redemption? Cynthia and her grandmother.

While their actions are not intentionally dismissive, they are certainly not helpful for Cyrus’ already erratic mental state. When Cyrus appears in Celestic Town, he asks the Elder (Cynthia’s grandmother) about the myth of the Lake Spirits and if the reason the world remains in balance is because of them.

Of course, she has no reason to want to understand where Cyrus is coming from, and thus dismisses him. For the Elder, Cyrus is just a strange man who wandered into the ruins and started asking odd questions. She has not way of knowing his past or his future plans.

Cynthia, on the other hand, essentially tells him where he can stuff his new world.

"...So you were already here. Why do you seek to change the world? If you hate our world you should just go off somewhere alone. Find somewhere where you can live without seeing others."

Again, she isn’t intentionally trying to be dismissive of his struggles, because she doesn’t know about them. During the main story, neither does the player. The player only discovers the details of Cyrus’ past in the post-game.

Because in the main story of Platinum, you aren’t supposed to sympathise with Cyrus. You’re supposed to see him for the monstrous actions he carries out and commands. If you were to know about his past straight away, it would put so much of his dialogue in a completely different light.

Ultimately, the knowledge of his childhood turns him from a egotistical megalomaniac with a god complex into an abuse victim refusing to let anyone else suffer like he did.

Does it excuse his actions? Of course not.

To quote Brooklyn Nine-Nine:

But it helps us, the audience, understand how he can be driven so far to the edge as to decide that the only way to fix the incomplete world is to start over.

[neraawritesxx]

anime: Inuyasha pairing: Sesshomaru x Kagome genre: Drama/Romance words: 7,562 status: Ongoing

summary:  [au] ‘I vow to you today and a thousand times over that I will never let you leave my side.’ The man to whom she was vowing eternal love was supposed to be her husband, not her brother-in-law.

preview: “Kagome's brows drew down into a frown, curious as to what Sango was trying to tell her. It wasn't long before she heard it; though it was so quiet that Kagome wasn't sure she heard anything. 

It happened twice more before she realized exactly what she was hearing. There was a telltale sound of something or – rather – someone moving around in her personal bathroom, followed by a soft, childish giggle.

Well, that wasn't something you heard every day.”

previous chapter

this work could also be found on ff.net

"You should have seen them Sango," Kagome wailed in frustration.

The brunette in question tried her best to simultaneously listen to her best friend vent and maintain her attention on the road in front of them.

"They went on and on about me not being proper enough to run the company!" The petite woman growled. "And then one of them mentioned my father! If I could, I would have squished that little urchin's head with my bare hands and…and…GAH!"

Anger boiling over, Kagome shrieked as coherent thought left her, hands running through her black tresses furiously. She tossed her head back against the headrest of the seat, lips pinching into a thin frown while sapphire eyes closed. A handful of silent seconds passed before her hands stopped raking through her hair; one falling limply into her lap while the other came to pinch the bridge of her nose.

For a moment, Kagome struggled to breathe. It felt like someone was slowly tightening their grip around the base of her neck.

Eventually, she was able to release a small, shaking breath out of her nose.

"Hey," Sango called. "Calm down, would you? Don't have a panic attack on me. Deep breaths sweetheart."

Kagome grunted in return, but headed her best friend's advice, greedily gulping in air through parted lips. Only when her head seemed to stopped spinning did she finally open her eyes. The hand that was applying pressure to the bridge of her nose moved to her temple and slowly began to rub circles in an attempt to ease her headache.

"Not even a full two weeks on the job and I threatened the board, Sango," Kagome declared, defeated.

"So?" Sango rebuked, unphased by the information. "How quickly you seem to forget that it's partially your company. You can do whatever you want."

Kagome took her friend's reprimand with a grain of salt, the hand that was soothing her head falling to join its twin in her lap. "I've never forgotten that," Kagome rebuffed. "I just prefer not to be remembered as the woman who started an all-out war with the board after only being with the company for a few days."

The fingers on her right hand began to twist and tug at her wedding band idly. It was an odd habit Kagome happened picked up over the last few days, but for some reason, the cold metal seemed to soothe her nerves.

"…Again, I reiterate…So?" Sango queried. "There's nothing wrong with striking a little fear into their hearts. It shows that you won't take things lightly and…it kind of makes you look like a badass."

Cobalt hues rolled towards the ceiling of the car at her friend's choice of words, but she couldn't hide the small smile that began to play on her lips.

"Leave it to you to make a joke out of this," Kagome chided.

"I'm not making it out to be a joke," Sango corrected. "But, I do know that you're blowing this entire thing out of proportion. You haven't done anything wrong and there is absolutely no reason for you to be freaking out. Those men attacked you and instead of choosing to take it, you stood up for yourself. That sounds a very Kagome-like thing to do if you were to ask me."

The car was silent for a small moment before Kagome sighed, off-put.

"You're right," the raven-haired woman reluctantly admitted. "How do you always end up being right?"

Chocolate orbs slanted in her direction, their edges crinkled with mirth. "Didn't anyone ever tell you? Listen to you your elders because we are always right."

Kagome scoffed in response. "Sango, you are only three months older than I am. That hardly constitutes as you being considered my elder."

"Three months, or three days, it doesn't matter. I'm still older than you," The taller woman reiterated, ending her statement in a sing-song voice.

Choosing not to fall for her friend's bait, Kagome just clicked her tongue releasing a small 'tch' noise. There had been plenty of petty squabbles throughout the years over their minuscule age difference. For some reason, it seemed Sango always ended up winning a majority of those arguments, mostly because it was, in fact, a true statement, but that didn't stop Kagome from trying to bring Sango down a few notches. Now was neither the time nor the place, however. Today had been exciting enough for Kagome and the dispute was not worth the effort or the continued headache.

Instead, she chose to change the topic of conversation to something that would take the spotlight off of her misadventures.

"So," The petite woman started, feigning nonchalance. "I saw Miroku at the office the other day."

"You don't say," Sango responded, attempting to appear unperturbed by the news.

Kagome knew better, however.

The hands that were gripping the steering wheel were gradually turning white-knuckled, the leather underneath giving an audible cry with the strain. "And what did our resident letcher have to say?"

"The darndest thing really," Kagome disclosed in a sickly-sweet voice. "Our dear Miroku was under the impression that you are mad at him." The younger woman shifted in her seat so that her upper body turned towards Sango, fierce sapphire eyes taking in every reaction.

Unlike Kagome, Sango was well versed in hiding her emotions – all except one. Anger was something that Sango had never been able to keep hidden, even when they were kids. Despite her best efforts, fury never failed to make the smile lines around brunette's mouth more prominent, and there was always an unmistakable twitch in her right eyebrow.

"I have no idea why he would think that," Sango ground out.

"Really?" Kagome inquired, unconvinced. "See, I thought he might have been on to something. He's been avoiding me like the plague over the last couple of days and the only reason I could come up with as to why he would do that is because he doesn't want to run into you."

Sango quickly recognized that she was being backed into a corner and chose to not to respond to Kagome's subtle accusation.

Undeterred by the other woman's silence, Kagome remained steadfast, eyes narrowing at her best friend. Internally, she hoped to garner some type of explanation from her. It wasn't like Sango to carry on like this when it came to Miroku – or anyone really.

Usually, when she was agitated, Sango chose to ignore Miroku for a day or two, a week at most. Two weeks had to have been a new record. It only further proved that whatever reason Sango was upset with Miroku for, it was increadibly important to her. It was unsettling to realize that the dark-haired woman cut Kagome off from explaining her actions for this long. It wasn't like the Sango not to share what she was thinking or feeling – especially about that pervert with the wandering hands – but Kagome was currently at a loss. Sango was headstrong – potentially more so than she was – and her choosing to remain tight-lipped, even now, meant that Kagome had to pull something drastic to get the other woman to talk.

The blue-eyed woman sat back in her seat with a huff. Recalling her conversation with Miroku from earlier the week before, Kagome took a guess as to what she thought the issue was. It was worth a shot.

"Honestly Sango, he did what I asked him to do. You know you have no right to be mad at him about the wedding."

There was another prolonged silence. Kagome unabatingly awaited some type of reaction to her enticement.

When she received none, she tried again.

"If you're going to continue angry about this, then you might as well be mad at me too," Kagome declared. "I'm the one who stood there and let him carry on with the ceremony."

At her words, the hands on the steering wheel twitched.

Hook.

"And we both know that the only reason why you're taking this out on him more so than anyone else is that you're still upset about that botched date you two had a few months back."

This time, the chestnut-haired woman's entire body flinched.

Line.

"I told him to call and talk to you, by the way. I said that you were looking to apologize," Kagome finished, casually turning to look out the window.

That little bit of information seemed to work.

"You did what?!" Sango screeched, turning her head to glare at the smaller woman.

Sinker.

"Hey! Eyes on the road!" Kagome scolded. "Okay, so that last part was a bit of a lie. I did tell him to call you, but not because you wanted to say you're sorry."

Sango's rising ire seemed to somewhat deflate at the clarification. There was another pregnant pause where neither woman in the car spoke, but the silence broke, it was Sango who chose to speak first.

"I'm not mad at him, per say," She started, her tone signaling that her frustration was still simmering underneath the surface. "But he is partially responsible for everything that happened."

Kagome made a motion to interrupt, but Sango cut her off before she could. "Inuyasha left Kagome. He left. And instead of doing something about it, Miroku went along with the entire ceremony like nothing ever happened."

"That's because I told him to and you know it," Kagome tried to justify.

"No," Sango said shaking her head, a scowl marring her features. "No. He could have stopped you or talked you out of it if he really wanted to. I've known you for years Kagome, and I know you're stubborn, but you're not that stubborn. If he were really looking out for you, as a friend, he would have never let you go through with this."

"He let me go through with this because it was what I wanted, Sango," Kagome stated softly. She wasn't looking to fight over this. "He respected my wishes and I wished to go through with the wedding. Who was he to stop me?"

"And that's another thing!" The brown-eyed woman exclaimed. "How could you have wanted to go through with this?"

'Ah,' Kagome thought. 'So that's why she is so upset.'

"Sango," Kagome remarked in a somber voice. "I needed to go through with this. It wasn't just for me to decide." Sango gave an unladylike snort at the explanation, but Kagome chose to ignore it and continued on. "It was what Papa wanted and I couldn't just throw everything he worked for away. I was not going to give up his company. I will not give it up."

Once again, Kagome found herself underneath the scrutiny of dark eyes. Sango looked more confused than agitated, thin brows drawn down into a frown that wrinkled her forehead. For a while she merely studied Kagome from the corner of her eye, flicking her gaze between her best friend and the road.

"Your father wouldn't have wanted you to be married to a man you hardly know," Sango stated tersely without looking at her. "The Higurashi-san that I know would have called off the wedding as soon as he found out his daughter was left at the altar."

A gentle smile lit up Kagome's face. There was a flash of memories awakened by the mention of her father and Kagome welcomed these with open arms. The images filled with her mother's love and her father's child-like spirit were a soothing balm over the tension caused by the day's events.

"You're right," Kagome stated, amused. "He would have caused a scene right there in the church and called the entire thing off. I could only imagine the argument that would have broken out between himself and Touga." Despite the somber topic of conversation, Kagome couldn't help but release a small chuckle at the thought.

Kagome's giggle was enough to relax Sango's stiff posture partially. There was still a rigidness in the brunette's shoulder's that hinted she wasn't about to let this discussion drop.

"I'm just worried," Sango remarked. "It's one thing to have an arraigned marriage to a friend. It's a completely different matter to have an arranged marriage to a stranger."

Kagome frowned at the statement. "Sesshomaru wasn't…or rather, isn't a stranger. He wasn't a friend, that I will agree with, but, it wasn't like I didn't know who he was. We were…acquaintances?" It was more of a question than an explanation and it came as no surprise that Sango didn't believe a word of it.

Before the dark-haired woman could formulate another retort, Kagome continued. "He's trying, Sango."

At the disbelieving raise of both of Sango's eyebrows, Kagome smirked slightly. "I'm serious. He's been nothing but supportive in both the office and at home."

The relationship between herself and Sesshomaru – if she could even call it such – was still new, but over the last few days, he indulged Kagome on her whims. She tried to understand Sesshomaru like he was a difficult subject in school and, it seemed in turn, he was trying to do the same. Kagome was grateful for their dinners together, even more so for the unique interactions they shared. Instead of leaving her to her own devices once they left the office, Sesshomaru chose to ease her through the transition into his home.

It was overwhelming to note that there were no bonds, no lengths, no depths of any relationship between the two preceding their marriage; there were no pressures that would sway them one way or another or biases that were influencing them getting to know each other. It left them to build and create a life that was all their own.

They may not have been friends, but there was trust, and that was the foundation for something.

Kagome knew that anything romantic would most likely never occur between the two of them, but it was nice to have someone that understood where she was coming from. A partner in every sense of the word; someone who had the same circumstances thrust upon them. Sesshomaru was a new stability in her life and Kagome found herself quickly becoming accustomed to him.

Even if her marriage would provide nothing but a house and a companion, Kagome was content with her choice. It was more than what she thought she would be graced with the day that Sesshomaru joined her at the altar.

"I trust him," Kagome confessed, voicing the words that she had been previously processing. "He's a good man, Sango and…," The younger woman trailed off for a moment, trying to come up with the proper wording that could express exactly how she felt. "I'm actually happy it turned out the way it did."

That seemed to appease Sango more than anything Kagome had said previously. The tension in her shoulders finally died out.

"I'm still worried," Sango repeated in a mumbled tone.

Instead of responding, Kagome reached across the expanse of the car and yanked on a forelock of her friend's hair.

"Ouch!" The taller woman yelled.

"None of that," Kagome scolded. "I'm not mad at you Sango and I hope that you're not mad at me. I know you're worried about me and I am so grateful for that, but I'm honestly okay."

Sango smacked away the hand that was still lightly pulling on her hair. "I don't know why I waste my time worrying about you. You could be lying in a hospital bed bleeding to death and you would still tell me not to be concerned about it."

"You make it sound like that's such a bad quality to have," Kagome quipped.

The response to her comment was a soft sigh before silence encompassed the car once more.

"You really should call him," Kagome murmured after a moment. "He may be a little 'hands on' in certain situations, but Miroku doesn't deserve you being mad at him for no reason. He did seem genuinely troubled that you're not speaking to him."

Sango didn't look in Kagome's direction when she grunted her affirmation. "We'll see."

Kagome knew that whether Sango agreed outright or not, she was most likely going to call Miroku and apologize for her misguided anger.

The small victory over her friend made Kagome smile.

-o-

The remainder of the car ride passed with little conflict. The remaining time was filled with mindless chatter on different things that had occurred in both women's lives over the past week. Sango currently worked for a technology company which specialized in processors for computers. At the news of the Higurashi Tech. and Taisho Inc. merger, Sango's boss asked her to contact someone at the company with the proposition of formulating a contact.

"He's young, but he's smart," The other woman commented offhandedly as the car pulled up the gravel driveway of Sesshomaru's home. "He has two vice presidents who are most likely going to be involved. Their group is very close-knit, but I think it would be worth looking over."

Kagome nodded absently in affirmation, taking note that there was a car in the driveway she didn't immediately recognize. At the lack of a verbal reply, Sango turned her head in Kagome's direction before following her line of sight.

"Whose car is that?" She questioned as their own vehicle rolled to a stop behind the black town car which resided in the middle of the path.

"I'm not entirely sure," Kagome mumbled. "I've seen that car before; I just can't remember where."

They received the answer to their question the moment they both stepped out of the car. As Kagome's feet touched the broken stones which made up the driveway, the front door was tossed open to reveal Myouga and – much to Kagome's pleasant surprise – Izayoi Taisho.

"Izayoi!" Kagome called happily, scrambling up the porch steps in a flurry onyx hair. The older woman met her halfway, seemingly just as eager to greet her.

The two embraced in a tight hug that had Izayoi laughing from the delight it brought. "Well," Kagome's mother-in-law declared after they broke apart. "If that isn't one of the warmest welcomes I've ever received!"

Kagome smiled broadly, "It's good to see you."

And it was.

If there had been one person – besides her own mother – who checked on her most frequently since the wedding, it was Izayoi. Kagome may have spoken regularly with all of her friends, but both her mother and her new in-law were relentless in their need to call her under the guise of talking about senseless things. If she had to guess, Kagome assumed that both women were trying to gauge how she was faring from afar.

Suddenly having Izayoi standing before her was a welcomed change of pace of the strenuous day. Though they spoke often enough over the last couple of days, Kagome hadn't seen her mother-in-law since the wedding.

By now, Sango had joined both women on the deck, choosing to approach at a much slower pace than Kagome had.

"Izayoi-san," Sango greeted with a small inclination of her head.

Izayoi's soft brown eyes moved to regard Sango, her smile never wavering as she bowed her own welcoming acknowledgment. "It's good to see you again, Sango-san."

"Likewise," The younger woman reiterated with a grin.

Myouga, who had been oddly silent throughout the entire exchange, chose to make his presence known after the women finished their reception of one another.

"Touga-sama called to warn us that you both were coming," He said in the way of greeting.

Initially, Kagome thought it was odd that he hadn't received Sango or herself verbally and with a light tilt her head, Kagome regarded the older male with a puzzled expression. There was something about the wording Myouga used that seemed off.

Taking in his full appearance, Kagome realized that it wasn't just an immediate gut reaction. There was definitely something wrong with the short male as he stood there, ringing his hands mercilessly and looking in every direction…except he wouldn't look at her.

"He called…to warn you?" Kagome probed, her mind swirling with her perplexity at the odd behavior.

Myouga's spine stiffened at the question, black eyes urgently diverting to Izayoi before finally glancing in Kagome's direction.

"Erm…you see," He verbally stumbled, struggling to find the proper wording. "Lady Izayoi was here…um…"

As the elder male floundered, Kagome and Sango shared a quick, confused glance. Over the last two weeks, Kagome had learned at least one thing: Myouga was always calm and collected – even under Sesshomaru's intense perusal. It didn't matter the situation or who was speaking to him, Myouga never broke from character. For him to be this outwardly disturbed was an extremely unwelcomed sight.

"Touga called to warn me not to leave without seeing you," Izayoi said in a gentle voice, saving the Taisho's employee from further explanation. "It's been a while since I've seen you, he didn't want to me to miss out on the opportunity."

The abrupt answer mollified Kagome somewhat. "It has been a while," she agreed.

It wasn't long before another question arose. Kagome knew well enough that Sesshomaru and Izayoi interacted as little as possible. The notion of her mother-in-law physically being present at her stepson's home was another thing that seemed to be entirely out of character.

"I hope you don't feel that I'm being rude by asking," Kagome started her inquiry, turning to regard the Taisho matriarch once more. "But Izayoi, what are you doing here?"

It was now Izayoi's turn to tense, though the rigidness that encompassed her posture was much subtler than the uneasy waves that Myouga's posture emitted. With her shoulders pushed back and her stance suddenly straightened, Izayoi didn't hesitate in answering Kagome's question right away.

"Touga is looking for a copy of a file that he insists Sesshomaru took from him," The older woman explained with a chuckle that sounded a little too involuntary for Kagome's liking. "He requested that I snoop around for him while you all were in the board meeting. How did that go, by the way?"

Once again, Kagome accepted the explanation without a second thought, despite the peculiar behavior of the elders in front of her. At the sudden change in topic, the tension that seemed to have enveloped the group, released.

"Er…well," It was Kagome's turn to make a mess of her own commentary. "It was…lively."

At her daughter-in-law's unorthodox verbiage, Izayoi's curiosity peeked. It also didn't help Kagome's case that Sango rumbled something under her breathe, which gave the distinct impression that the word used to describe said meeting didn't do it justice.

"You don't say," Izayoi hummed with a distinct raise of her eyebrow. "Well, you have to tell me all about it!"

The older, dark-haired woman strode forward, planting herself between Sango and Kagome. Izayoi looped her arms through the younger women's, securing both of them by the elbow.

For someone almost thirty years their senior, Izayoi's grip was surprisingly firm.

"It would be a waste not to enjoy such a fine spring day," Izayoi stated, leading both of them towards the corner of the veranda, where the porch swing and wicker chairs resided. "Myouga can you go make us something to eat and some tea? You girls are probably famished."

"Right away, Lady Izayoi!" The steward called before ducking back into the house.

"We really don't have that much time Izayoi," Kagome commented, trying to halt their progress by digging in her heels. "We only came so Sango could see the room and have a quick bite to eat. Both of us need to get back to our offices soon."

Undeterred by the blatant rejection of her idea, Izayoi just smiled, though it didn't reach her eyes. "Nonsense," she rebuffed, continuing to pull Kagome along. "Showing Sango-san the room wouldn't take more than a few minutes. Why don't you two relax for a bit? It'll be nice to have a little break before you have to head back to work."

"Thank you, Izayoi-san," Sango said, disentangling – how the hell did she make it look so easy? – herself from the older woman's grasp. "But, really were not staying long. I have to be back before my lunch break ends, so were most likely going to take our meals to go."

The hand that was still gripping Kagome tightened in reflex at the second unabashed snub, but after a short pause, Izayoi released her hold on her raven-haired daughter-in-law.

"Well," Izayoi stated, tersely. "We can't let you be late, now can we? Come, girls let's go see if Myouga can pack you up something for your ride back."

For the second time in the last few minutes, Sango and Kagome shared a puzzled glance as Izayoi briskly lead them back towards the front door. Sango tried to hold Kagome's gaze from the corner of her eye, silently asking her 'what the hell is going on?', but Kagome couldn't provide a proper answer. She didn't know what to tell Sango, let alone what to think herself.

If there were one word she could use to describe the way both Myouga and Izayoi were acting it would be unusual. She may not have known Myouga well, but Kagome had known Izayoi for years. She had never seen the dark-haired woman so forceful before.

As the trio entered the house, Izayoi didn't stop, making her way through the foyer and halfway down the corridor, passing the living room.

"Myouga?" She called out in a tone that seemed borderline overwrought.

Instead of coming out of the kitchen like they presumed that he would, Myouga appeared behind all three women, exiting the wing of the house that was designated to Sesshomaru and his personal rooms.

"Are you alright Myouga?" Kagome inquired, taking in her employee's appearance.

Myouga was always neat and orderly, but right now he looked a little worse for wear. His navy blue haori was untied while the white kosode he wore underneath happened to be untucked on the right side. His dark gray hakama looked unkempt; what was once pristine was now covered in creases, like he had been rolling around on the floor. Sweat beaded on his brow and his cheeks were flushed with red blotches from some unknown exertion. Kagome was sure that if he had more hair, it would be standing on end.

"I'm fine, Kagome," He assured, out of breath. "I was just looking for something in er…Lord Sesshomaru's office.

Kagome knew a lie when she heard one, but she chose not to push the subject, nodding dumbly as she acquiesced his answer.

"Maybe Souten or Shippo could help you?" She offered as a solution to whatever it was that seemed to be troubling him. "You seem to be having a bit of a difficult time."

"Ah well," The steward fidgeted, hastily pulling and tucking his clothing back into proper order. "They both are out grocery shopping this afternoon."

"Maybe Kagome and I could help you?" Sango offered good-naturedly. The brunette seemed just as off-put by the elder's behavior as Kagome was, but it didn't stop her from taking a step towards the entry to the corridor with the intention of lending a hand.

"No!" Izayoi all but shouted, cutting off Sango's path with her own body. "No, no need for you to concern yourself, Sango-san. Why don't I go see if I can find it for you Myouga?"

Without waiting for a response to her offer, Izayoi disappeared down the hallway in a whirlwind, leaving the two women to stare after her with twin expressions of shock. If Kagome thought her mother-in-law's behavior was odd before, she now felt Izayoi was acting downright bizarre.

"…Does she even know what you were looking for?" Kagome asked after a moment uncomfortable silence between the three people left standing in the main corridor.

"Yes, she does," Myouga stated, looking at the hallway which Izayoi fled down with – what Kagome could only make out as – beseeching eyes. "Why don't you two go to your room Kagome? I can bring your lunch shortly."

"Actually, why don't I help you put together our lunch?" Kagome questioned, attempting to shake off the uneasy feeling that was beginning to knot in her stomach. Perhaps the quicker she and Sango got out of the house, the faster they could put this entire situation behind them and things could return to the little sense of normalcy their lives had. "We're not going to stay here to eat; I just need to pack a few things up."

"There's no need," Myouga assured, shifting on his feet so that he was angled towards her. To Kagome, it looked like he was placing himself in such a way so that he would be able to cut off her path to the kitchen if need be. "I can handle it, I assure you."

Cobalt hues narrowed slightly. It was one thing for Myouga to be acting strangely, it was another for him to refuse her outright. Over the last two weeks, Kagome had made it well known to all the housing staff that she would not idly sit about. If she could lend a hand, then she would. Up until now, all three of Sesshomaru's employees had taken her friendly nature in stride.

"I know you can handle it," Kagome challenged, her tone showing that she was starting to become a little fed up with this entire endeavor. "It'll be quicker if I help you. We are on a time limit."

It wasn't like Myouga to fight back on much of anything. He was the type that wanted to please others, no matter the circumstance. In comparison to Souten and Shippo, Myouga always found something to do for either herself or Sesshomaru, and it was completed at a brisk pace. Even when she chose to lend a hand with the chores around the house, Myouga ran circles around Kagome. Never once did he deter her actions, however, and usually welcomed her assistance, no matter how clumsy it was.

To Kagome's continued surprise, Myouga chose to remain headstrong in his refusal on this current subject.

"No need," He said offhandedly. This time when shuffled his stance, there was no mistaking that he was, in fact, trying to stop Kagome from entering the kitchen. He inched slowly in front of her. "I'll do it myself."

Sango sensed the strain beginning to seep into the room, chocolate orbs hovering between Myouga and her best friend. Kagome may not have shared much about her life in Sesshomaru's home, but from the way that she was looking at the butler, Sango could tell that his actions were extremely uncharacteristic. As much as she would have enjoyed watching the battle of wills between employer and employee, this was not Sango's situation to get involved in. It was time for her to concede.

"Kagome," The brunette cut in. "I think I'll wait for you in your room. Let me know when you're ready to leave."

Kagome refused to remove her tightened gaze from the elder, but she gave Sango a slight nod of her head, letting her friend know that she heard her. After Sango disappeared from Kagome's peripheral vision, the petite woman took a bold step towards the kitchen. As she previously suspected, Kagome was met with a matching movement from Myouga as he stepped entirely in front of her, cutting off her progress.

"What are you doing Myouga?" Kagome questioned in a firm tone.

This behavior was so unlike the man that she had come to know over the couple of weeks that speculation swam in her mind. Just what was going on? Kagome tried to come up with a reason; anything that could explain why he was acting this way.

Her mind quickly fed on her insecurities, all thoughts growing toxic. Had she done something to upset Sesshomaru? Was he the one making both of them act like this? Sure, they hadn't spoken after the meeting, but he didn't seem upset with her, neither had Touga. The way Myouga was acting made it look like this was something personal; that whatever he and Izayoi were hiding had to do with her. There was a tightness settling in her chest at the thought, but Kagome tried to shake it off.

The old steward chose not to answer Kagome's question right away. Instead, beady black eyes broke from their locked gaze on her form and slid to glance at something over Kagome's shoulder.

Turning her head marginally, Kagome caught a glimpse of Izayoi who had joined them back in the hallway. Kagome's mother-in-law looked just as disheveled as Myouga had when he first exited that corridor. The older woman's pants filled the hall, chestnut eyes glancing to the steward with something akin to frantic apprehension.

"I couldn't find what you were looking for, Myouga," Izayoi said, fussing over the frayed hair that escaped the neat bun on the back of her head.

"What are you two looking for exactly?" Kagome asked, blue eyes alternating their narrowed stare between Myouga and Izayoi. "What is that you're both hiding? And why can't I go into the kitchen?"

Myouga chose to remain stubbornly silent, leaving the explanation to Izayoi, who in turn, tittered stiffly.

"We're not hiding anything, Kagome," Izayoi assured.

Kagome looked towards the inky-haired woman with something akin to distrust. "After all these years Izayoi, I can tell when you're lying. You use that same high-pitched tone when you're talking to one of Touga's competitors."

The words made her Izayoi flinch back as if she had been physically struck. Instead of folding under her daughter-in-law's accusation like Kagome hoped her would, Izayoi carried on feigning ignorance.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," She insisted in a cutting tone, her own brown eyes narrowing.

"Oh really?" Kagome deadpanned.

Without warning, Kagome spun on her heel and lunged forward, pushing passed Myouga. His stance gave way under the force of being caught off guard, Kagome's height advantage assisting her in barreling through the blockade the older male tried to exude. Fleetingly, Kagome felt a stab of guilt at handling Myouga in such a way, but she needed an explanation for all of the theatrics.

"Kagome, don't go in there!" Izayoi screeched.

It was too late; Kagome already crossed the threshold into the tiled room by the time the older raven-haired woman's exclamation had reached her ears. With the way that they were both acting, Kagome would have thought that there was some dangerous threat in the kitchen; someone or something that would cause her harm and all they were looking to do was protect her from harm.

Whatever the reason behind this entire ruse was, Kagome didn't find it in the kitchen. Instead, she found an empty, yet spotless room with absolutely nothing out of order.

Kagome rounded on the duo when she felt them come to a halt behind her. "Just what is going on?!"

Neither elder responded to her wailed inquiry as they both stood in the archway wearing to two matching expressions of dismay. Myouga's eyes were the largest Kagome had ever seen them, his eyebrows impossibly high on his forehead and Izayoi stood with a gaping expression on her face, her jaw unhinged.

"What on earth is the matter with the two of you?" Kagome questioned shrilly, clearly exasperated. She struggled with the urge to stomp her foot like a child.

Again, neither answered her. Izayoi turned toward Myouga, dark eyes boring into the side of his head. Onyx hues never strayed towards the older woman, however. They slowly perused the entirety of the kitchen, sweeping from one side of the room to another, calculating every detail; apparently looking for something that wasn't there.

Without preamble, Myouga scrambled to cross the threshold of the room, opening the sliding glass door with a loud 'snap' and disappearing out onto the patio.

"What the hell…?" Kagome muttered following the frantic path the older male created with her eyes. Confusion only gave way to full-fledged panic when Izayoi suddenly fled out onto the patio as well, her movements frenzied.

"Izayoi?" Kagome called after her, taking a small, tentative step towards the exit to the backyard. Dread seemed to consume her as she watched the two disappear into the gardens in the yard, hectic in their searching.

Kagome didn't make it very far. A quiet voice called out her name, halting her movements.

Turning, azure orbs found Sango standing demurely just outside of the archway that lead to the kitchen. Immediately, Kagome knew that something was wrong. Her friend's fair skin seemed to take on an ashen hue, dark eyes sunken. She was looking at Kagome, but she wasn't seeing. Sango had her arms wrapped around herself, but it wasn't a gesture of defiance or anger; Sango was holding herself up, providing her own comfort.

"Sango?" Kagome ventured, trepidation and worry stirring in her stomach. "Is everything alright? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Sango was silent, staring at her with a cryptic glint in her eyes. They settled into an uncomfortable silence for a long moment before Sango uncrossed her arms.

"You need to see this," Was all her best friend offered before Sango pivoted on her heels, making her way into the living room with stiff, awkward strides.

'What is going on in this house?' Kagome groaned mentally, following closely behind Sango.

The sudden change in the taller woman's attitude paired with the overwhelming dismay that Izayoi and Myouga were presenting, made Kagome extremely worried. Her hands restlessly twitched at her sides, unsure what she was to expect while the duo made their way through the sunken sitting room and into the hallway that lead to Kagome's room.

When they approached her bedroom door, Sango hesitated, turning her head to the side so that she could peer at Kagome. There was a maelstrom of emotions brewing in those dark depths; the most prominent being anticipation, worry, and pity. Without saying anything, Sango brought her index finger to her lips, signaling to Kagome to be silent as they continued their journey into her bedroom.

Instead of questioning her friend's motives, Kagome gave a curt nod of her head, slipping stealthily through the open bedroom door behind Sango. Upon Kagome's initial inspection of her bedroom, nothing seemed out of place. Souten must have cleaned the room earlier for the bed was remade and the white lacquered furniture, which had arrived that past weekend, had a natural shine to their surfaces.

It was only on the second surveillance of her bedroom did Kagome notice that both her closet and bathroom lights were on, doors tossed wide open. Sango stopped halfway across the carpeted floor, looking back at Kagome before gesturing towards the bathroom with a jerky motion of her chin.

Kagome's brows drew down into a frown, curious as to what Sango was trying to tell her. It wasn't long before she heard it; though it was so quiet that Kagome wasn't sure she heard anything. It happened twice more before she realized exactly what she was hearing. There was a telltale sound of something or – rather – someone moving around in her personal bathroom, followed by a soft, childish giggle.

Well, that wasn't something you heard every day.

Kagome's eyebrows shot up, only to disappear behind her bangs. Calmly, almost too calmly, she made her way towards the bathroom door. Making her way past the closet, sapphire hues took in the destruction that was once the neat and organized sub-room. A majority of her clothes were scattered across the floor, some in a nest-like pile thrown together in the middle of the room. Kagome stopped a few feet back from the entrance to the bathroom. It was far enough for her to be able to look at what was going on inside while simultaneously not intruding on what was going on inside.

The sight that greeted her was something that Kagome had not been expecting.

There, sprawled out on the white tiled floor of her bathroom, was a little girl who seemed to have made herself quite comfortable amongst Kagome's belongings. The child couldn't have been more than twelve or thirteen, inky black hair flowing down her back, ending at her narrowed hips. Her bangs were pulled out of her face, pinned up into a side ponytail on the crown of her head. The way that the preteen was situated, Kagome couldn't make out the color of her eyes, but with the pale complexion of the girl's skin, Kagome assumed that they were most likely a smoky color. She was tiny, scrawny even, but it didn't look like it was because of mistreatment, it just seemed like she had a small build. In fact, judging by the designer sundress she was wearing, this little girl had someone wealthy taking very good care of her.

A pale blue make-up bag – that suspiciously looked like Kagome's – joined the little girl on the floor, carelessly tossed open. There were different cosmetic packages scattered across the floor; some open, some not. Currently, the young girl was holding one of Kagome's favorite eyeshadows up to her face for inspection.

"Oh!" She chirped, her voice childishly warm. "This is a beautiful color. I wonder if she wears it often."

Unsure of how to proceed, Kagome cleared her throat, taking one step towards the bathroom door. At the sound, little girl's head snapped up with a gasp and a flutter of onyx hair, dropping the eyeshadow cartridge. It clattered to the floor, but neither woman paid attention to it, both their lips parted in an unceremonious 'o' shape.

For the second time in her life, Kagome Higurashi found herself held captive by a unique pair of golden eyes.

They were more of a burnt copper than amber, a faded orange-red that was tarnished with flecks of gold gilt that lightened the overall color. They glistened as the light hit them, shock and fear evident in those tawny depths.

There was no question as to who this girl was related to.

"Oh," Kagome said, unintelligently.

The girl seemed to get over her initial shock of being caught, staring at the woman before her with wary foreboding.

"Grandma!" She suddenly wailed loudly, scrambling to stand.

"Grandma?" Sango parroted, appearing at Kagome's side instantly. Intense speculation filled the young girl's gaze at the arrival of a second woman, but before anyone could question anything, Izayoi rushed into the room, followed closely by a frenzied Myouga.

"Rin!" Her mother-in-law cried, bee-lining for the bathroom door. Izayoi didn't spare the older women a second glance, her eyes solely for the little girl.

Izayoi knelt down in front of her granddaughter, grasping her by the shoulders with both of her hands.

"Thank god," The Taisho matriarch sighed in relief, pulling the small body towards her own in a tight embrace. "I thought I told you to stay in your room. You had Myouga and I scared sick, we couldn't find you!"

The pre-teen squirmed out of her grandmother's hold, looking slightly abashed. She fidgeted for a moment, gnawing on her bottom lip while her hands fumbled awkwardly in front of her.

"I know, Grandma," The tiny voice murmured. "I just wanted to look around a bit! To see some things so I can know what she's like!"

The innocent explanation seemed to appease Izayoi because she suddenly sighed, her body slumping with the exhale. She didn't stay like that long, however. The older woman happened to suddenly remember who was among the silent audience watching the small display.

Slowly, tentatively, Izayoi turned towards Sango and Kagome, her eyes explicitly honing in her daughter-in-law.

"Now, Kagome…" Izayoi started, moving to stand. Whatever she was going to say was cut off when the young girl – Rin – turned to eye both women no longer with fear, but with hopeful enthusiasm.

"Kagome?" Rin repeated, golden gaze flickering between both women pausing only to quickly appraise both Sango and Kagome from head to toe individually.

Turning back to her grandmother, the girl asked, "You mean one of these ladies is her? One of them is the woman who married Papa?"

"Papa!?" Sango screeched causing everyone in the room to wince at the sheer volume of her squeal.

"Kagome," Izayoi reiterated, taking a step towards her daughter-in-law.

The word never registered with the petite woman. Kagome just stared; just looked at the little girl who was clutching to Izayoi's arm and eyeing her with unabashed happiness.

Slowly, Kagome's mind seemed to catch up with the implications that were being laid before her.

There was a little girl in her bathroom.

There was a little girl in her bathroom; a little girl who was calling Izayoi 'grandmother'.

There was a little girl in her bathroom; a little girl who was calling Izayoi 'grandmother,' and talking about someone marrying her 'Papa.'

"Oh," Kagome said for the second time. The room around her suddenly shifted; her world spinning as while her mind caught up with the entire situation.

This little girl was the 'thing' that both Izayoi and Myouga were searching for.

This little girl was what they were trying to hide from her.

This little girl…This little girl was Sesshomaru's daughter.

"Oh," The raven-haired woman reiterated for the third time before ungracefully falling to the floor, knees giving out as she landed on her backside.

This little girl was her step-daughter.

[fleetingfan77]

Flaw in Every Crystal

“Chapter 14: 'Retraining Arc' Part 6

Aka: Prowl did a bad and now feels bad

Aka: The tension building stage?

We start after the anger of last cycle to Prowl bringing Jazz a lot of diluted energon.  Prowl asks if Jazz will accept the energon instead of asking Jazz to do something to earn it first. Though I think it should also be noted that Jazz responds first with an affirmative wing flick in answer to the question.

We see Prowl now being more concerned about Jazz, asking after his energy levels. Due to Prowl’s lingering guilt and Jazz’s exhaustion/soreness both are having a seemingly quiet moment together. Prowl  removes Jazz’s hand restraints so Jazz can feed himself. 

It is actions like this that though I like for Prowl and Jazz getting on more, will muddy the waters in the future of what the training means. Prowl is offering Jazz gifts out of guilt for getting out of hand and losing control earlier rather than as rewards to Jazz. This means that Jazz is less able to trust the intention of the gifts from Prowl. There will always be the question then if it is a guilt gift or a reward. By giving the same gifts for the beating as for behavior, Prowl is allowing the two to become associated in Jazz’s mind. So being a punching bag gives the same return as doing as Prowl wants, therefore when given a gift Jazz will have to wonder then if its foreshadowing a beating down the line. This is probably why also Jazz starts feeling like his actions don’t really matter since Prowl will reward/punish him for both Jazz’s actions and Prowl’s own depending on the unclear situation that only Prowl can judge. Prowl is also giving Jazz more rewards for taking abuse than Jazz was ever given the option of earning since before the second blow-up.

I wonder, is the cycle of abuse known on Cyberton enough that Jazz can recognize that they are currently in a “honeymoon” period? Or is Jazz just tired enough after last orn to just go with things for now? He thinks later that Jazz is pretending but then also wants to tone down his biting remarks to have the kindness continue. Which I guess could just be the next step of the abuse cycle playing out wherein the “tension building” step comes into play after the honeymoon. Though I don’t know how much I can trust the abuse cycle when Jazz is already expecting the anger to come back eventually when I think part of the cycle relies upon the victim feeling like things can really change and therefore staying. 

We do get a bit of an answer on the starvation though as Prowl and Jazz both agree that Jazz’s tanks may have struck and therefore he will have to be careful and consume less energon lest it just come back up later. I can also see starvation being a “good” part of training since if you lower the person’s ability to store and consume food, it will be that much harder for them to run since they will have to take more and have less natural reserves to call upon.

Prowl then promises Jazz at least two cubes the next orn to rely on, but says Jazz must earn it from beyond that. Prowl says how “This changes nothing unless you change because of it.” I have been wondering for a bit over this sentence. I know it means in a way that Prowl’s kindness will only continue if Jazz behaves so it is no use to show it otherwise. But at the same time it makes the beating almost feel planned when it obviously wasn’t.

Jazz seems to take this kindness as an act on Prowl actually. Which is a rather simple, though understandable way to view it. It helps accent here how young Jazz probably is that he can see things black and white like this. Wherein because Prowl is a “bad” person, any “good” actions Prowl performs must therefore be an act since “bad” people only do “bad” things. It also doesn’t help that Jazz must have major trust issues after the whole “courting” thing.

Prowl also detaches the energon line now that Jazz has been feed. It will also add probably in Prowl’s mind, more weight to Jazz having to earn his energon from then on.

We also see that Prowl now has a fear almost of giving Jazz gifts that allow Jazz more mobility since Jazz attacked Prowl and has stated he is willing to do so in the future. Yet even more than flavored energon and a blanket, the loosening of restraints is still a go-to. Granted right after I typed that I realized how stupid it would be to have a blanket in the room while Jazz was not capable of movement. 

Prowl and Jazz still seem to be in a state of “calm before the storm”, though when Jazz brings up a medical worry about his joints, Prowl just brushes it off as nonsense. Though in Jazz’s defense when he does finally try to move, it’s as though he has a fully body cramp.

Prowl then rewards Jazz highly for just the wing movements and not biting back that Jazz gets to clean up, though while still cuffed. Really Prowl you cannot be this schizo in the rewards system. You really need a point or leveling system or something. Like yeah, Jazz is not going to rebel with that offer on the table, but now that that precedent is in place, its going to look like complete “moving the goalposts” if you then later offer only energon for the same behavior expectations.

We then get the obligatory prison shower scene which I’m sure had Jazz tiling his head up as he looked towards the cleaning with eyes have open. Rather than the other classic getting on your knees and throwing out your hands as it rains prison scene.  

It’s odd how often Prowl seems to go from treating Jazz like an equal he is disappointed in to treating Jazz like a toddler who doesn’t know any better as he tells Jazz to be careful with the temperature. Is this just Prowl actually feeling like Jazz will not know any better or has he heard stories before of training where this was an issue to warn of and watch out for? And when Jazz chooses what he feels is a less confrontational address, Prowl doesn’t react but thinks to himself: 

“That commentary might have been worth punishing usually but the Enforcer let it go this time.”

So now it is setting Jazz up to fail in the future since Jazz didn’t hear Prowl’s thoughts. Prowl didn’t comment, so Jazz thought the action was “safe”. But when he uses it next time, Prowl will get angry and not let it go again and punish Jazz. But because Jazz cannot read minds it will seem random to him why a comment that was not punished before is being punished now. Prowl even leaves the room when Jazz asks in this way which will makes things so much more confusing down the line that of course Jazz will go the save route of distrusting everything.

I wonder, now that Jazz has adjusted to having the wings on his frame, will they be harder to remove if Jazz wishes to in the future? People tend to go back and forth on whether Jazz has any door wings, so I don’t know if the authors will go the route of having Jazz keep, change, or remove them in the future when he’s in control of his body again. 

Prowl seems to be using the excuse of it being an odd orn to justify his treatment/over rewarding of Jazz again. It’s kinda sad to see how much Prowl still wants that to be the way things are, even phrasing getting energon with Jazz “like we did before”. Prowl also puts getting out of the house on the table already even though its Jazz’s first time out of THAT ROOM since the retraining began. It’s even sadder to see the effect the training is having on Jazz where now he is looking for excuses and behaving to stay out of THAT ROOM which was Prowl’s goal. 

Having so many rewards given and offered at once to Jazz of course confuses him even more by this point and I can easily see to Jazz how it seems random if Prowl will be harsh with the punishments or over giving with the rewards. Prowl also takes his society very personally so when Jazz expresses disbelief that he could ever be a part of the society, Prowl takes it as self-doubt rather than Jazz hating the society. When Jazz tries to correct the statement though, it only angers Prowl to see something so a part of him be so totally rejected. Wash, rinse and repeat. Or as Jazz puts it:

“He watched their strange stalemate crumble with every word, knowing the only place to go from here was to an argument that would lead him to be locked up again. Wash, rinse, repeat. “

"You were more than interested in learning everything when you first arrived," Prowl countered.  This statement confused me at first because I though he was referring to when Jazz was faking it rather than the first first time Jazz was there as an outsider. So at first I was like “duh he seemed interested then Prowl, he was waiting to explode” then I read the rest of it.

Anyway, Prowl, sensing an argument coming as much as Jazz tries to just cut off the conversation then and there, of course not listening to what Jazz is actually saying, or at least not fully accepting it. Jazz then is just having none of it. I wonder if Jazz would actually take it better if Prowl acknowledged his feelings. Like “I know that you do not find this situation ideal, *Jazz snort* but your anger cannot change your situation for the better...” Actually that would probably still just lead to shouting the more I think of it. Maybe Prowl should try using an “I statement”? “Jazz, I feel frustrated when my home society’s kidnapping guidelines are insulted...”

In spite of Prowl wanting to leave Praxus to rise in the ranks based only on his own merit, he must still love Praxus, or at least have its values very deeply ingrained into himself, that Jazz will say  “Just take me back to Iacon, we can go our separate ways an' I'll never come back to Praxus." And Prowl will still insist on Jazz accepting Praxus instead of accepting this as a plan for both him and Jazz to work together on. He even says how its a slippery slope in his mind if the law is changed into complete chaos. 

Then we see this phase of the cycle end as Jazz is forced back into THAT ROOM after having another argument with Prowl. Jazz instead opts to attack Prowl again in a fit of desperation. Unfortunately, this signals to Prowl that Jazz will only respond to punishments since even offering the outside again still lead to an argument. So now Jazz will probably be even worse off than before. 

Till next time!

[therealdragonnerdagain]

Game of Thrones S7 Ep5

So Jaime was trying to kill himself. I was pretty certain he'd be captured by Dany, but thanks to Bron he made it back to King's Landing. And I hope Bron really does leave when Dany comes because I don't want him to die. I forgot he's another character I love.

Tyrion is really starting to annoy me.

He wants Dany to show mercy but only to the people he likes. He would use her to shield his favorite people and let everyone else die. It's becoming more and more apparent.

I'm really glad Dany is not listening to Tyrion. She's right: she gave them a choice and going back on it would be showing herself as wishy washy and weak. This is war, and this is the way of war. Either you choose a side or you die.

Tyrion is a Lannister and is supposed to be a pragmatist. Instead, he is showing himself to be an idealist. He thinks they can win the war AND spare everyone he likes personally. And . . . it's just not going to work that way.

It's really annoying how they keep calling her army savages. Meanwhile, the people in Westeros have got heads on pikes and are blowing shit up and torturing each other. But no, no, they aren't savages at all.

Jon Snow is behaving the same way as Tyrion. Dany makes the point that Jon has killed thousands, yet he wishes for her to wage war "peacefully."

The reality here is, these men are terrified of the idea of a woman in power. They don't believe she can wield it responsibly, even though every war waged on Game of Thrones so far as been waged by men who ravaged their own countries.

It's really annoying how they're all lecturing her and telling her to be careful. If she were a man, absolutely no one would be questioning her methods. No one.

There's one scene where Tyrion and Varys are scared out of their minds that Dany is becoming her father. It perfectly illustrates everything I just said. When Dany's father did the same damn things with his dragons (before he went mad), no one questioned him. Even when he finally did go insane. Before he went insane, though, were his methods wrong? Was he wrong to burn people instead of beheading them like Joffrey? No one seemed to think so at the time.

Dany is not her father and -- so long as Bran doesn't make her go mad -- she never will be. But she's a woman. So all the men scrambling under her are terrified she can't wield power without going emotional, irrational, and insane.

It was also really fucking annoying to see Jorah come back. Ye gods, I hate him. I hated his gross, mouth-breather expression when Dany gave him a hug. As I said on an older post, Dany seems to show compassion to all the wrong people -- her brother, the witch, and now Jorah. With her brother and the witch, she learned too late that her compassion had been a weakness.

I'm not saying compassion is a weakness. I'm saying showing compassion to the wrong people is a weakness. Varys conspired to have Dany killed and she was very slow to forgive and trust him (which was wise). Jorah was a part of that, and yet he's forgiven so much quicker. And why? Just because Dany knew him longer? That’s insane.

On top of that, Jorah kept forcing his affections on her, kissing her, trying to isolate her from the other advisers and everyone around her so that he could control her. Dany has mistaken his obsession for loyalty, and in the end, if she has another downfall, it will be because of Jorah.

There was a reason Ser Barristan hated Jorah.

I am really, really hoping Dany's eyes are opened about him, but D&D love taking disgusting dudes from the books and making them Nice Guys (see: Tyrion). So I doubt we'll ever see Jorah get what he deserves.

And is it just me, or is Jorah afraid of Jon Snow? He was going to say something to Dany -- possibly that he "loved" her -- then saw Jon Snow coming and quickly took off. Seems like every skeevy guy (Little Finger) is -- rightfully -- afraid of Jon Snow.

As I said on an older post, there is no difference between Jorah Mormont and Little Finger. One is just more openly ratlike than the other. Jorah is an inversion of the knight in shining armor trope in that he is not honorable at ALL.

Arya seems to believe Sansa has a desire to be queen of the North. After watching the scene between them, I think it makes perfect sense. Sansa wanted to be queen of Westeros, but that was taken from her in the most brutal way. And she quickly went from dreams of riches and power to nightmare after nightmare. Now she could be queen of the North if Jon never came home and seems to be preparing herself for the possibility.

It's not bad that Sansa enjoys ruling and is prepared for the worst, but it seems to be something Arya despises about her sister. She just couldn't resist taking a jab at Sansa. Old habits and all that.

So that's where Gendry was? All that time? And why the fuck is he so bloodthirsty?

Gonna be interesting to see if Arya finally bangs Gendry (we all know she wanted to).

At first I was like "Why is Gendry important again? Just because he's the dead king's son?" But now I like the idea of him fighting alongside Jon the way Robert and Ned did -- even if they were wrong.

Gilly pretty much confirmed for everyone that Rhaegar and Lianna ran away and got eloped, but Sam was too hilariously pissed to notice.

So it's true then. Rhaegar and Lyanna were in love, and Robert led his great war to become king because he was jealous and/or because he sincerely thought she had been kidnapped.

Arya and Little Finger spying on each other? I guess Arya is a typical foolish Stark after all. Little Finger clearly set her up to get some information he wanted her to have.

Jorah says something toward the end of the episode that really makes me hate him more.

Tourmond says to Jorah, "Your father hunted us like animals."

And Jorah's response? "You returned the favor, as I recall."

Well, Jorah. You treat people like animals and they will behave like animals.

I hate that Jorah said that because it's always been the typical response of a white person during any discussion about the invasion of America by the Spaniards.

Everytime we try to have a discussion about the genocide and invasion the Natives faced, some racist white person pops up with, "Well, the Native Americans weren't innocent! They slaughtered people too!"

The Native Americans were killing people who were invading their land, raping their women, and enslaving them. And yet, somehow, that makes them just as bad? If invaders weren't trying to colonize land that wasn't theirs in the first place, then their innocent little villages wouldn't have been wiped out.

Ollie's village wouldn't have been destroyed or his family killed if the wildlings hadn't pushed off their own land.

I do sympathize with Ollie. In fact, I think I'm just about the only fan of the show who does. I even have a post about him on this blog stating a few things in his defense.

But at the same time, you can't point a finger at the people you invaded and condemn them for trying to push you back out of their land.

If you invade someone's land, take their much neaded resources, and then force them to get by on practically nothing, then you better be prepared for those oppressed groups to lash back in anger and frustration.

To use another example, this time (lord help me, I can’t resist) a video game one, the human colonies in Mass Effect were being attacked in the first place because humans had invaded batarian planets and kicked the batarians off their own land. The batarians fought back, and humans tried to act like they were "the bad guys" for trying to take back what was theirs in the first place.

As someone who played a Mindoir Shepard, I feel like my Shepard hated what the batarians did to her colony and her family, but at the same time, she didn't foster some shitty racism toward them. She knew that they were individuals. So when Ashley -- a racist -- made the assumption that Shepard was out in space trying to get vengeance on batarians, my Shepard always answered, "Hmm? No. I just wanted to see space."

I loved playing a Shepard who did not become racist due to a few batarians trying to take back their land. Maybe she went through that phase as a child like Ollie, but eventually she grew up and realized that hating an entire group of people for the actions of a few was wrong. And what was more, the batarians position was justifiable.

When I played the dlc where you stop batarians attacking a colony, my Shepard lost her head for a moment, got caught up in memories of Mindoir, and took out her hatred on the batarians. She even told them they were terrorists when one called her a terrorist. For a split second, my Shepard became the racist, angry child that Mindoir made her and she lashed out at the batarians without sympathy, when they explained to her why they were attacking.  

I'm not saying the batarians were right to try destroying that human colony, but their anger and their reasons for resentment were not unfounded, and it's something my Shepard always tried to keep in mind -- even though she failed during that dlc because of PTSD and old memories of Mindoir.

The solution to the batarian conflict was not to slaughter all the batarians, but to arrest the ones attacking colonies. The next step would be to give the batarians their own planets again as reparations for the past. Because humans need to own up to their shit. Rather than just killing the people whose land they stole and crying about “evil” batarian invasions, they should be making amends.And my ME3, Shepard was totally in a position to make that happen.

God, it was great roleplaying Shepard.

Anyway. 

The point I'm trying to make is that white people who respond to the bitterness and resentment of the people they oppress like Jorah often show zero empathy or understanding toward those people, as if the people they stepped on had no right to be angry or lash out.

To anyone who has lived a life of marginalization, riots in the street are a logical conclusion to systemically denying an entire group of people what they need to survive.

Jorah embodies white racist ideology to a T. He embodies misogyny to a T. This is why I hate him, and I hope Tourmond fucking kills him.

But as I said, D&D love their racists, misogynistic Nice Guys, so they'll probably keep Jorah around until the very end. Unfortunately.

So now all these people who hate each other are going on this stupid quest beyond the wall to catch a wight.

Did I mention that this was stupid? Why the fuck does Tyrion think he can win over Cersi's help with proof of the undead? This is tremendously stupid.

If they would just let Dany take King's Landing instead of wringing their hands over her (”Oh no! Girl power! Me so scared!”), the fucking season would be over.

[die-nachbarin]

“Now I’ve Got You, You SOB”

I was in a training class for work for the past few days, and the instructor mentioned Eric Berne’s book Games People Play, a psychology book about people playing dysfunctional games in their day-to-day interactions with each other. One of the “games” described in the book, that my teacher said was the most interesting to her, was called “Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch,” where someone with anger issues waits for you to make a mistake and then uses it as the jumping off point for blowing it up into a larger conflict where they can turn it to extensive personal criticisms of your whole mindset and way of life (here’s the original short description of the game from Eric Berne):

“White needed some plumbing fixtures installed, and he reviewed the costs very carefully with the plumber before giving him a go-ahead. The price was set, and it was agreed that there would be no extras. When the plumber submitted his bill, he included a few dollars extra for an unexpected valve that had to be installed – about four dollars on a four-hundred-dollar job. White became infuriated, called the plumber on the phone and demanded an explanation. The plumber would not back down. White wrote him a long letter criticizing his integrity and ethics and refused to pay the bill until the extra charge was withdrawn. The plumber finally gave in.

“It soon became obvious that both White and the plumber were playing games. … Since White had the plumber’s word, the plumber was clearly in the wrong. White now felt justified in venting almost unlimited rage against him. Instead of merely negotiating in a dignified way that befitted the Adult standards he set for himself, perhaps with a little innocent annoyance, White took the opportunity to make extensive criticisms of the plumber’s whole way of living… White was exploiting his trivial but socially defensible objection (position) to vent the pent-up furies of many years on his cozening opponent …”

I’ve known two people in my life who liked to play the “gotcha” game. One was a former boss. She was supposed to be a lead analyst, but it was clear that what she really wanted was to be an investigator, because instead of doing neutral, non-adversarial, information-gathering interviews like we were supposed to, instead she would ask interviewees a bunch of leading questions to try to catch them making minor mistakes and then ream them and their entire organization for it. Her favorite thing was to lead a campaign to try to get someone fired for whatever small mistakes she found, or harass them into quitting. Eventually she turned that behavior on me, and wound up getting fired herself for the abusive behavior.

The other person is a friend’s partner who appears to be very controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive. She posted online about how a contractor didn’t do a job the way she wanted, and then she was asking all her friends to help her start a campaign of vengeance where she would completely ruin the contractor’s reputation and destroy their ability to do any business in the future. Another time she was gleefully vaguebooking about how she was about to catch someone in a lie, and she loved to see people walk themselves into that trap with her (clearly, so she could get them at a moral disadvantage and then vent her rage on them). She did enough posts like that to make it clear this was a pattern with her. I think she also sets her partner up to deliberately put him in situations where he’ll make mistakes, so she can yell at him.

I think it’s a really common game for people with abusive personalities to play, because if they can find some minor error to latch onto, it makes them feel morally justified for their abusive behavior. This blog post also had a good explanation of how the game works:

Eric Berne, the great euhemerus of Transactional Analysis and originator of social game theory, observed that most people would not be able to tolerate continuous intimacy. Therefore, rituals, activities, pastimes, games, and even withdrawal serve a useful social purpose, at times. It is the addictive compulsion to rely upon the drama triangle of social games, due to an underdeveloped or damaged capacity for intimacy, which threatens the quality of our personal relationships, and it is the awareness of the existence of a choice that defines autonomy.

He identified somewhere around thirty different TA games in his famous book Games People Play, which he first published in 1964.  In the decades since Games was published, other TA specialists have identified many more. Yet to this day, two of the most widely-played games continue to be NIGYSOB (an acronym for “Now I’ve got you, you son of a bitch”), and Kick  Me.

NIGYSOB

NIGYSOB is perhaps the easier of the two games to spot. It is an entrapment game, played by people for whom anger is an important, recurring feeling. This anger may be demonstrated in obvious ways, or it may be submerged. It may build up slowly, or it may build up quickly and violently. But no matter what its depth, or how quickly it builds up, it is always released when a NIGYSOB player sets up other people to do something that enables him to justify yelling at them, and to thus relieve the anger that he has built up in himself (and to feel “better,” or less frustrated, as a result).

In business, NIGYSOB players tend to select people to play with who are in positions of lesser authority and who have little or no obvious interest in resisting entrapment. At home, the stronger of the two spouses usually chooses the weaker spouse to play NIGYSOB with, and mothers and fathers usually select their own sons and daughters.

Occasionally, the opening move in a game of NIGYSOB may be one of the traditional “Isn’t it true that…?” variety – the types of questions used so often by hostile lawyers, TV interviewers, and reporters to entrap their witnesses, guests, and the people who they are interviewing. But more often than not, the opening move in a game of NIGYSOB will be even less obvious – perhaps, for example, some innocuous-sounding statement of fact, like, “I thought you were going to…,” a statement that is equally, if not even more effective, in luring the other person into a trap when he responds “incorrectly.”

Every NIGYSOB player needs a person to play with, and most players need a person with enough skill and experience to help them maintain the forward momentum of the games that they play. Games are always preprogrammed. Each move is always followed by a expected response – a complementary, hoped-for response provided by the next player that challenges or answers the first player in a way that permits the first player to still remain in the game. Without this sort of unconscious help, the first player would often be at a loss as to what to say or do next …

Another model of NIGYSOB behavior to me is actually Jehovah, in the Hebrew Bible! Jehovah is basically an asshole. He sets up rules that people can never completely follow or live up to, and then sends down fire and brimstone on them when they fail. And all the while he gets to stay on the moral high ground, and portray himself as the long-suffering, ever-loving god-father who only wants to do good things for his children - if only they would obey him and be sufficiently loyal! Jehovah is basically the model of a controlling, dictatorial abuser …

Of course, the big question with a “Gotcha”-playing abusive personality is how to deal with them. My strategy with both the ones I’ve known has been just minimizing how much contact I had with them, once I got a sense of what their games were. As Berne says, “In everyday life, business dealings with NIGYSOB players are always calculated risks.” Translation: These people suck to deal with, so avoid dealing with them if you can. Other than that, all Berne suggests is basically that you try never to let these people catch you making a mistake if you have to deal with them. But good luck with that, since the abuser’s game revolves around catching you, and they will inevitably come up with something no matter how correct your behavior, or they’ll just store up extra anger over having failed to find a mistake and it’ll be all the worse the next time they find one …

[adinosaurtale]

a letter to me

... so that I can always read this whenever a doubt creeps in. 

Dear me,

It has been an emotional week. You’ve had an emotional few years, but the last few months - albeit with your mental demons and triggered trauma - you’ve had a bit of peace since you’ve closed the door to R. You made a mistake last weekend, which triggered this door to be re-opened; a part of you feels so sorry and bad that you did that, but know that in the long run, it turned out for the better not only for you but also for him. This post is for you to read every time you need to fight your mental demons - you know them already, you know what they like to taunt you with, and you have the information that can quell them now. 

Let me take you through what happened again, so you always remember clearly the events that took place this week. In the wee hours of Sunday morning, you decided it was a good idea to call R out of the blue. You rang him 3 times, and he didn’t pick up, so you decided to go to bed. Determined, though, 30 min later you woke up and called him a last time, but he also didn’t pick up. You didn’t really know what you were going to say to him, or why it seemed so important that you had to hear from him. Something in you just wanted to say hi, to let him know you still cared, and to hear his voice. You were also convinced that no one in their right frame of mind would find that offensive, and so it was alright to call. That was after too, too many glasses of whiskey. In the morning, obviously, you realised how pointless that was, and you faced a panic like never before of how you have just sabotaged your own peace and quiet, and your great plans for the future to move forward. You worried that he would call or text you back - you weren’t sure how he was going to sound like, whether he would be friendly or curt - but you were also on some level afraid that he wouldn’t even bother to reach out. That he would have known it was a drunk call, and decide that he didn’t want to deal with you at all. You realised, too, that the action of reaching out in an emotional way was hurtful to E, and that in the future, this should never happen again. That perhaps. distance from R is the only way to maintain your peacefulness within yourself and your future, and to honour the choices you’ve made. 

You were beginning to accept that he was going to take the option of not dealing with you at all, and you thought it would be the best way forward too. But just as your heart found a bit of peace, he followed up with a few text messages. He was kind, wasn’t curt, and he asked you politely what’s up. As you had already decided to keep things short, you apologised and wished him well. He then responded with his explanation of why he didn’t pick up and why he waited till his morning to get back to you, and you thanked him for being the sensible one, and expressed your relief that he did not pick up and tried to end the conversation. You breathed, you thought it was over, and it gave you a real calm and sense of closure within you. 

The next day you were ready to settle your emotions and to move on. You knew you shouldn’t have drunk called him, but it all turned out for the better. You did not expect him to come back with much more to say. He started telling you about his summer, his time in quarantine, and how much he’s been cycling these days, and asked how you’ve been. Wanting to respond out of kindness, you kept your responses short, and without asking reciprocal questions. He then asked to call you and you were really hesitant. A big part of you wanted to just end this mistake before it got murkier, but another part of you thought that perhaps it’s only fair to hear him out in case he did actually have something he wanted to get off his chest. So you agreed to his call, but quickly rejected his request for a video call, and tried to have a decent conversation with him. Somewhere in that conversation, the past was brought up albeit rather lightly. There was a sense that you both had very unresolved friction, and in his voice you could hear his accusatory tone of how he thought you were manipulative. You realised that the only reason he has reduced in his anger toward you was to accept that your manipulation was not intentional. You apologised, for what it was worth, that you could have communicated in a less shouty manner, but said that he wasn’t an angel either, and yet his response to that was that he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t agree, basically, and I believe that was what rattled you. Not wanting to off-load all your anger onto him, you managed to share a small part of your perspective in a truncated, measured way, and cited one example of how he had been insensitive in Paris. Then you politely ended the conversation when emotions got a little heavier. After the call, you panicked because you worried that you had given him the false impression that you wanted him to fix things, and so you texted him again and clarified that you only want to deal with him in small doses because it is upsetting, and you just want to focus on yourself right now, not asking or hoping that he’d wait for you. You didn’t want to tell him that you had rekindled with E because you believed that it was possible to kill his hope kindly on the merits of how things between you two failed, rather than to make it worse by showing him just how far you’ve moved on from him. You also, if you’re being honest, didn’t want to give him any reason at all to believe that all he had to say about you was true - that perhaps in his stupid skepticism he might use the fact that you went back to E to highlight that you were indeed disingenuous and keeping up a front, when in actual fact you really did break up and you really did want to see where you and R would go. R agreed and understood; he, too, thought that he couldn’t handle you in more than small doses, and so you thought a healthy consensus was reached. 

The next two days were roughly the same - R reached out even though a part of him knew he shouldn’t have, and wanted to hear from you more - you’re not sure if he wanted to just be friendly, or to hear more of your perspective to piece his missing connections together, or if he missed you and he didn’t have a very clear purpose - frankly, he probably didn’t know either. He shared with you later on that he too wanted to tell you that he could never imagine opening his heart up to you in the same way again (even though he was the one texting you more), but he couldn’t bring himself to say it and in the end you did it before him. You tried to keep yourself measured in how much you told him, but he was kind and reflective and apologetic in response. He was everything you had hoped he’d be in the past when you were sharing your point of view, and he kept offering to listen and hear you out so that you would have an outlet to release your bitterness. He said it helped him too, to hear from you, and it also brought him some healing as he was left feeling very frustrated by this whole episode with us. You told him little events that happened - some of the classic insensitive moments that kept playing back in your mind through the last few months that filled you with rage - and he listened, admitted his own folly in a way that showed he really understood where he had been so caught up in his own anxiety, and apologised so sincerely for hurting you. It felt safe to tell him more but you tried everything you could to keep it in small doses, but he kept asking you to share and allow him to help you release your bitterness, and in the end it all came pouring out of you. You shared so many instances from your point of view, you cried as you talked about them, and you showed him clearly why it was so awful that he had come to the conclusion of your disingenuity when you were everything but. He listened, he shared how it was for him, but simultaneously reflected that his anxiety wasn’t justified though he could see how both our efforts merely fueled that rather than actively trying to break the negative cycle. It was a constructive, healing, educational conversation for the both of you, but at the end of it you remembered your intentions were not to fix things and to try again. You reminded him that you never wanted to feel this way ever again, and that despite the circumstances that you both were in, you would never want to be with a man who would think the worst of you at your worst time when you were at your most vulnerable. You knew he thought the world of you, but you also knew that for the last few months the only conclusion he could settle on was that the fault was all on you. And because you have E, and you know exactly how much you’ve hurt him, how unfair you’ve been to him, and how much grace he has shown you despite all of that, you know that it is possible to not think the worst of someone even if you’re hurt. That clear and stark difference in this messy and unfortunate situation is all that mattered, and is why you made your choice of which relationship to put your effort into saving. 

The next day - the last day you spoke to him - you woke up with unthinkable panic in your heart again. Your anger had dissolved, he had released the bitterness in your heart, and suddenly you realised that if you are not careful and if he keeps talking to you and being kind to you, your heart might run back to him because the both of you are so, so full of chemistry. Your heart thumped madly and you realised that you needed to choose your peace and you needed to choose E. So you called him to tell him - you thanked him for removing that wall of bitterness, but told him that you are now afraid that there’ll be nothing left to keep you away from him. You told him you don’t ever want to be hurt by him again, and he said he will back off if that’s what you needed. He asked if he could be selfish and ask for you to turn on your video so that he could see your face, and you obliged. You cried and cried even on the video call, and managed to calm down slightly at some point. And in the end, you told him that this thing with you and him is not what you want to work on right now, and you saw his entire face fall. You could feel his heart sink, and he told you he had to go. 

Since then, you haven’t heard from him. You feel really sad for upsetting him again, but a big part of you knows it was the best thing to do for you and for him, since you’re not ever planning on giving you both another try. But your emotional demons could come back in months to come, and this letter is for you to know and to remember why there is this ending, why there is this silence, and what the silence does not always mean. 

From these four days, you’ve learnt a lot that you’ve needed to know. And you’re going to read these over and over again, everytime you feel wobbly, so that you know what was said and heard.

- These last 6 months have been hell for him. He didn’t speak to you, not because he hated you or didn’t care about you or didn’t think that you were worth it. He was angry at you because he had misunderstood you and he believed his own anxiety; however, he was also under the impression that you won’t ever want to speak to him again because you had deemed that he was abusive and bad to you. The silence was not that he didn’t care - he didn’t dare to reach out, he didn’t think you wanted to hear from him, and he didn’t want to get more hurt.

- He said he also has been waiting for you to contact him, and that he had been hoping you’d want to speak to or talk to him even though he thought you felt otherwise. He hoped you would have changed your mind and you would reach out. 

- He said that he’s never had such bad holidays in a long, long time. He did go to Japan, and he didn’t say anything about that or that girl, but he did say that he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about you - to the point that he was really really frustrated at himself. He said he thought about you every day that he was in Singapore, and so many things reminded him of you. He said that he would get nightmares too, sometimes they were bad and ugly ones between you both and he would wake up and it’d be the same type of day; but the worst was when he had sweet dreams about you both, and the next day would be moot because it would like he had lost you all over again. 

- When you asked him if he really did love you before, he said of course he did. He explained that his behaviour was not because he didn’t love you, but because he was so afraid of getting hurt or losing me. And ultimately, he ended up still having both done to him - losing me and getting rejected. 

- He said he thinks the world of you. He said you are amazing, and he doesn’t meet many people like you. He said you are smart, funny, loving, kind, and good. He said you are the perfect amount of childish but you are a right adult when you need to be - where most people are too much of either. He said that you both like the same things, you like to travel, and he mentioned drumsticks and how he liked them. 

- And he said that he hopes you know that he cares a lot about you, and only wants you to be happy, with or without him. He wants you to be kickass and thriving and all that good stuff, and that he’s proud of you for getting back on your feet after a very difficult few years. 

- He was exceedingly kind to you even before he knew anything from your point of view. He wasn’t curt, his tone wasn’t sharp, and still was interested to hear from you when you had reached out, even if it was 4 calls in the middle of the night. He won’t stone-wall you. And this was even before he thought you guys had any hope of reconciliation - he himself said he didn’t really want to go back there initially, prior to that long phone call, but even then he was warm and he was kind. You don’t have to be afraid of him if you ever feel like you want to say hi. 

These four days were really important because:

- R finally saw your perspective of those few months. He finally saw why things ended, and was able to admit and apologise to you. He realised that he wasn’t looking further than his nose, he was in his head and anxiety so much that he couldn’t see clearly nor listen clearly to what was going on. He didn’t realise that a lot of your behaviour, that he used to justify or fuel his anxiety, was due to the way he acted around you. He realised that you didn’t feel safe to tell him more of what was going on for you because of the way he was reacting, and that not every problem was about you and him. The world didn’t revolve around just us, and you had other things you were dealing with too, but he was inadvertently making it harder. And he very proactively apologised for all of this. He really did take away your bitterness and anger, and maybe all this information helped to take his away too. 

- Even though rationally he may not have wanted to start anything new with you again prior to that long telephone call, you think he felt guilty with his new revelation, and in his own way was trying to make amends by wanting to hear you out, and to give you a space to vent, as well as to learn more. So it was really important to kill that hope as soon as it rekindled, even though it seemed cruel, it was definitely kinder in the long run because it has always been difficult for R to shut down any possibilities with you unless it is very clear. 

- It might have given you closure, but you think on some level it did for him too. He may have wished that this new found revelation could be used towards a better beginning - with your heart feeling more settled, some growth from both of us, and more experience at communicating better - but it’s better to be disappointed now rather than later. This way, when his heart settles - even if it’s hurting - he would know how to fill in the gaps in his head, and on some level he would be able to understand why you wouldn’t want to revisit this relationship again. He is allowed to be sad that you don’t want to ever consider the possibility of you two working out again, he is allowed to be sad that you don’t want to try anymore. But with all the new information from this encounter, perhaps he will find the peace to let it go at some point, with no hard feelings for you. 

Going forward, you need to rely on these pointers to keep your peace of mind:

- Silence does not equal to not caring. Sometimes they think you don’t want to talk to them, sometimes you think they don’t want to talk to you. Sometimes, silence is necessary for healing and it’s less important whether who doesn’t want to talk to who, but for you to focus on your heart, your peace, and your self-reflection during the time of silence. Some of these silences will go on forever, and if so, trust that that is God’s plan. 

- You feel upset and worried and super sayang when you saw his face drop. That is going to haunt you the most, so remember this: R has always said he’d rather you tell him straight up than to tiptoe around him in hope to save his feelings. You were not cruel, you merely expressed your lack of desire to keep trying or working on things with him. Yes, it could send the message that you’ve decided he’s not worth the effort - which is, in fact, true - but at least now he knows the reasons behind why you think that. And perhaps in the future, he won’t make the same mistake with another girl. The fact is that you have let him go romantically, even if you still have all these feelings for him. The fact is that you are never going to be romantically-linked to him again, so it’s better that he knows your intentions now rather than later. 

- Even if you didn’t let R down right now, you would have to do it sooner or later. You keep hoping that both of you will come to the decision concurrently that you’ll never explore romantic relations again, but perhaps that’s not going to happen. And perhaps this is the only way that he’ll let you go, and one day he will find someone who will make him happy. It is only in this position that you would be able to have a light-hearted, caring conversation with him, which is all you’ve ever wanted. 

- You cannot keep R in your life if you still have active feelings for him - you would seek out his affection without realising it, and that would fuel your internal anxiety since you’re not in the position to really relish in it. You may reach out to him when this chapter is finally over for you, and hopefully for him - that would be only time it is acceptable and fair to E, as you’d be merely talking to an old friend rather than someone who is capable of providing with you with affection. This closure this time is the main step to getting there - without bitterness or anger, perhaps you’ll learn to let him go. And if you ever get to speak again, you’ll be able to do so without being a high-pressured bottle trying not to explode. 

- You don’t know if he’ll ever talk to you again, this is the same as before. He could decide to reach out in awhile, after you’ve calmed down, just to say hi. Or, he could once again decide never to reach out since you’ve made it so clear that you’ll never want to try anything with him again. These are all possibilities you’ll have to come to terms with. Remember, though, that in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter. Even if he returns to your life in some small way, it would be insignificant to your future. Even if he never talks to you again in the future, it just once again shows how he reacts to all of this; if he sees no point in speaking to you if it doesn’t amount to anything, then perhaps you don’t need this boy in your life. 

- And if you ever want to reach out, perhaps you can, but only when he isn’t an issue in your heart anymore. A happy birthday can be wished a year or two or three from now, as long as it doesn’t really matter if he ever responds. 

- Focus on your walk with God, and trust that God will give you peace and orchestrate your future, especially when it comes to R because you’ve prayed and submitted it to Him in such a big way. You want Him to take charge, not you, because He has always come through for you all the time. His plan is better than yours. 

- Focus on your love for E and how freaking great it’s been. Indeed, regardless of bad circumstances, it is very clear the way E treated you and spoke to you even while you were completely and utterly unfair to him, while R was so caught up in his own emotions and anxiety that it allowed him to conclude such unfair and untrue things about you. How could you ever be with a man who would decide that you were merely disingenuous and manipulative, when you left your relationship because you couldn’t let him go? You should never be with someone who would judge you in this way when you (both) were at your worst and your most vulnerable. It is not understandable nor expected nor reasonable, and you know this because you happen to have experienced better. So you are grabbing onto who was better, and sowing your energy in that direction. These are wise decisions, don’t let the pain of losing the man and affection you love cloud that judgment. 

[reikisessions]

Understanding Is Love (and the World Needs More Love)

“Understanding is love’s other name. If you don’t understand you can’t love.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

I recently attended a weekend workshop, and there was a man in the group who always had a strange look on his face whenever we had to look for a partner to work with. I noticed that some people avoided him, like they didn’t want to work with him. Perhaps it was the vibe he gave off because of the way he looked at people.

At some point later in the weekend I sat with him. It was hard to put my finger on it, but there was something about him that did feel a little strange, and I could see that other people were put off by him.

After the weekend had finished, we happened to be sitting next to each other and started talking, which somehow led to him telling me that he is almost completely blind. With his contact lenses in he can see okay, but the low light of the room made it very hard for him to make out faces.

In that moment I understood. That was why he gave off a weird vibe—because he was having trouble seeing. The “look” he gave was simply a result of him trying to see and ultimately connect with someone.

The internal label I’d given him of “strange” dissolved in an instant, and in that same moment I felt an opening in my heart. It was an unconditional level of understanding that brought with it a sense of peace and connection.

Understanding and Letting Go

We often get frustrated or angry with the people around us, projecting our emotions and frustrations onto them when we don’t understand them. The moment we understand, it can change our whole attitude, creating a space of opening.

Imagine you’re driving your car, and the car in front of you starts slowing down. You don’t know why they’re slowing down, so you get frustrated and possibly impatient. Maybe you start verbalizing your frustration, or perhaps you even honk your horn in an effort to release some of your tension.

Then you see an elderly woman crossing the road, moving very slowly.

In that moment your frustration softens, because you now understand why the driver in front of you was slowing down. They saw something you didn’t.

We can take understanding in this example even further. You also understand the woman moving slowly. Perhaps you have a mother or grandmother who moves slowly, or you realize that one day, as you age, this could be you, and you’d appreciate drivers slowing down for you. Or maybe you’re young but injured.

Understanding creates a mental shift enabling us to replace reactive emotions and disconnection with compassion and connection.

Understanding Is a State of Mind

Understanding is more than something we do, as in trying to understand someone else’s perspective or how they feel. Yes, this is part of it, but understanding is also a state of mind that we can cultivate. Just like joy, enthusiasm, sadness, or frustration are states of mind that govern the way we experience life.

When we feel joyous, we think, act, and respond to life in a certain way—joyfully. When we feel frustrated, we think, act, and react to life in a different way—finding reasons to justify our frustration everywhere.

Understanding is a state of mind that makes us feel more peaceful, compassionate, and connected, creating an attitude of “us” as opposed to a “me vs. you” mentality.

When we proactively nurture an understanding mindset, we approach people with openness—even if they’re difficult—because we’re committed to always looking beneath the surface instead of making judgments and assumptions.

We may not always know why someone acts the way they do. But an attitude of understanding does not actually require us to know the exact details of other people’s story.

Understanding at its deepest level is just like love—an unconditional understanding of another’s humanness. We don’t have to know their story, but we can appreciate they’re going through the human experience, just like us.

Cultivating an Attitude of Understanding

There are various ways to cultivate understanding in your life, but I’d love to share a reflective exercise here to help you understand and connect more deeply to yourself and humanity.

Think of a time when you lost it. A situation when you got angry or frustrated. Maybe a family member did something that really upset you, or maybe someone undermined you at work. The reason why does not matter here; you’re not trying to justify it, and you’re definitely not judging it as right or wrong.

When you have that memory in mind, just feel it. Feel the sensations in your body—the intensity, the heat, or the thoughts and emotions that come with it. If it’s uncomfortable, that’s okay.

Don’t try and change it. Just feel it.

As you feel it, notice that in that moment you were unable to maintain peace inside yourself.

We can’t be at peace inside while reacting with anger.

I’m not suggesting there should be a suppression of anger in any way. This is about recognizing the truth of what’s happening inside us when we react with anger. When it happens unconsciously there’s nothing we can do about it—the result being we act mindlessly. But when we consciously pay attention, we deepen our self-awareness, and this gives us the opportunity to choose how we act.

I had an experience at a coffee shop where I was returning my drink because they’d made the wrong one. When I told the woman at the cashier they’d made the wrong order she was quite rude, and told me bluntly, “That’s what you ordered!”

It caught me by surprise. Her attitude made me feel like I was being accused of something I didn’t do. I could feel myself getting angry and ready to defend myself.

I felt a wave of intensity come up inside me.

As I was about to react and get into an argument with her, there was a moment where instead of feeling my anger, I could feel she was stressed. Something was bothering her, even before our interaction. I don’t know what it was, but it was enough for me to pause, reflect, and understand that we often don’t know what’s causing someone to act the way they do. We can never know what’s happened in their lives just before we began interacting with them.

There are so many different reasons why someone might be stressed or upset—an argument or breakup, chronic back pain, the death of a loved one, or inability to pay their mortgage to name a few possible explanations.

That moment of understanding her human nature allowed me to let go of my reaction. I’d taken her reaction personally, and it put me in a state of “you vs. me” where I was ready to fight to defend myself. And I would have felt quite justified in doing so because I felt falsely accused. But if I had, it would’ve just been me reacting to her reaction, and we likely would have ended up in an argument.

Reaction versus reaction = conflict.

The world is already so full of conflict, and at some point, if we want to create more peace in the world, we have to choose not to take things personally and instead respond with understanding, connection, and peace.

I’m not suggesting it’s easy, but I believe moments like these offer an opportunity to live from our heart when a natural reaction is conflict.

For me, in this case, the shift to understanding opened my heart and created a sense of peace and connection to the woman.

She must have felt it on some level, because without me pushing back at her with my own reaction, she also softened. Something dropped, and she simply asked the barista to make me a new beverage.

Whatever was bothering her before was still there, but I could feel she wasn’t projecting it outward onto me.

A moment of understanding can change everything.

The World Needs More Love (Understanding)

We often judge or complain about other people’s actions, but if we can pause and be honest with ourselves, we’ll realize we often do something of a similar nature ourselves.

Everyone has different life stories and traumas that condition their unique personality, but we all experience moments when we’re unable to maintain peace inside, so even though we may not know someone’s exact story, we’re still capable of understanding.

Instead of wasting our energy judging or complaining about others, we can put ourselves in their shoes and understand that we struggle with similar emotional challenges. This allows us to be more present and compassionate, cultivate deeper self-awareness, and connect on a human level.

Imagine a world where more people chose understanding and truth rather than reaction and conflict.

But ultimately imagining it is not enough; it’s a good start, but we need to act. We need to live and engage life from our heart.

“Understanding is love’s other name…”

“Understanding is an avenue into love. It’s also an expression of love in action. When we enter into understanding we are entering into love… and “When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.” ~Jimi Hendrix

What kind of a world do you want to live in?

Will you choose understanding instead of reaction today?

About

Ben Fizell

Ben is a meditation teacher, “stillness coach,” and founder of the Peacekeeper Project, a community dedicated to impacting humanity by helping individuals quiet the mind and live from the heart. Ben believes stillness and sensitivity are superpowers available to anyone. Learn more and access a free meditation course at the Peacekeeper Project. You can also follow on Facebook and Instagram.

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The post Understanding Is Love (and the World Needs More Love) appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

[newsfundastuff]

“Allahu akbar”, or God is great, the Iranian Revolutionary Guard marine was heard shouting off camera as the group took control of the British-flagged Stena Impero. Scaling down ropes onto its bow, the balaclava-wearing hijackers made a daring - and seemingly well-rehearsed - raid of the oil tanker, as seen in alleged footage released by Fars news agency last night.  The wind was choppy, the skies overcast. With no navy escort, the Stena stood little chance. Minutes later, at 4.19pm on Friday afternoon, the Stena Impero would “go dark” - not something normally done by commercial oil tankers in the Persian Gulf. The first clue as it what happened was its abrupt change of course, which was picked up by marine tracking services. Its destination was a port in Saudi Arabia, but it had taken a sharp turn and was heading into Iranian waters. Minutes earlier it had been boarded by Iranian Revolutionary Guards, who had hijacked the vessel using speedboats and a helicopter and turned off its communication systems. Approximately 40 minutes later, a British-owned, Liberian-flagged ship Mesdar also went dark. The trackers picked it up following the same route as the Stena Impero. The crew onboard was questioned for an hour before the vessel was released, unlike the Stena which was escorted on to the coast of Bander Abbas in southern Iran. British authorities were alerted back home and quickly called a meeting of Cobra to figure out their response. This image grab taken from a video provided by Iran's Revolutionary Guard official website via SEPAH News The capture of one of their ships was something they had been dreading,though not something that had come entirely as a surprise. Tensions have been heating up in recent weeks in the Strait of Hormuz, the world’s most important oil chokepoint. At the start of the month, Gibraltar authorities - aided by a detachment of Royal Marines - detained a tanker which was suspected to be carrying Iranian oil destined for a refinery in Syria in breach of European Union sanctions. "If Britain does not release the Iranian oil tanker, it is the authorities' duty to seize a British oil tanker," an Iranian official tweeted on July 5, the following next day, in response to the news. Revolutionary Guards issued similarly direct threats. Fearing they would make good on them, the Navy sent Type-23 frigate HMS Montrose to shadow its tankers through the strait and dispatched another, HMS Duncan, for support. The Montrose sped to help Stena from Omani waters on Friday, but was an hour too late. Jeremy Hunt, Foreign Secretary, had tried to defuse the situation last weekend by suggesting the UK was willing to release the supertanker, but a court in Gibraltar on Friday ruled to hold it for another 30 days. The decision would have further angered Tehran, which has denied the oil was bound for Syria and accused the UK of acting in bad faith. Rising tensions between UK, US and Iran The legality of Britain’s impounding of the Grace 1 has been questioned, however sanctions lawyers say that as it had been travelling through British overseas territory it was subject to EU laws. Revolutionary Guards yesterday tried to justify their seizure of the Stena with alternating claims, including that it had “violated maritime law”, had been driving on the wrong side of the water, risking an accident, and had in fact collided with an Iranian fishing boat whose distress call it ignored. No such distress call was picked up by any other ship in the area. Abbas Ali Kadkhodaei, spokesman of Iran's Guardian Council, which rarely comments on state matters, said they did not need an excuse to take the Stena and spelled out that it had been a tit-for-tat response. "The rule of reciprocal action is well-known in international law and Iran's moves to confront the illegitimate economic war and seizure of oil tankers is an instance of this rule and is based on international rights," he said. There is now something of a Mexican stand-off in the Gulf, with both countries seemingly unwilling to hand over the other’s ship. “Iran has responded in a way that presents the UK with a problem,” Michael Stephens, Research Fellow at the Royal United Services Institute think-tank in London, told the Sunday Telegraph. “The ball is now in our court. “The UK could choose to detain more Iranian ships, or look to gather a group of states around the table, such as France, Germany and the US, to see how, and in what ways, more pressure can be placed on Iran both economically and strategically,” he said. However, he believed no major decision would be agreed on until Prime Minister Theresa May’s handover to Boris Johnson later this week. The Foreign Office has stressed it is keeping separate the issues of Iranian threats in Gulf waters, EU sanctions policy on Syria, and the nuclear deal. But inevitably they have all become intertwined. The latest Iranian aggressions can be tracked back to last year, when President Donald Trump pulled out of the 2015 nuclear accord and reimposed sanctions. The Islamic Republic has legitimate frustrations over the American withdrawal to the deal - which it had been adhering to - that was supposed to swap limiting its nuclear programme for an end to sanctions crippling its economy. At the same time as ratcheting up tensions, however, Mr Trump has made it clear he wants to avoid all-out war with Iran, as has the UK. Iran tensions | Read more Mohammad Javad Zarif, Iran’s foreign minister, on Thursday offered an olive branch to Mr Trump - a deal which would see Tehran accept enhanced inspections of its nuclear programme in return for the permanent lifting of sanctions. Mr Trump has sent Senator Rand Paul, rather than John Bolton, his hawkish anti-Iran national security adviser, for meetings with Mr Zarif, who is in New York on United Nations business. Neither has publicly responded to Mr Zarif's proposal. However, hardliners and the Revolutionary Guard back home want out of the deal, saying the US’s pullout only proved what they always knew - that it cannot be trusted.   "I suspect Stena is a bargaining chip,” Charles Hollis, a former British diplomat in Iran, told the Telegraph. “It came only days after Zarif showed some willingness to open negotiations, which may have led some hardliners to want to disrupt things a little.  “I still don’t think any side is looking for a conflict,” said Mr Hollis, who is now managing director of risk management company Falanx Assynt. “The fact that there are some people on both sides were seeking a deescalation means there may be a deal to be found.” He warned however, that Friday’s incident showed the margins for manoeuvre are “shrinking” and “the risks of unintended consequences growing.”

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