#any moment not spent with my parents is such an ultimate sin

[urbanfiltered]

can’t breathe

[thevoidscreamer]

just a weepy blurb I wrote after I realized why I'm having such a hard time "connecting" with others

CW: religious trauma, s trafficking, cult, trauma bonding, abuse, anxiety, depression, really purple prose, in my feelings

Today I realized that the types of relationships I made in small groups at church, in ROTC, at the brothels in Pahrump, were all formed in high control environments where shared trauma and implicating oneself in “sins” or “crimes” is encouraged as a form of control and enmeshment. These bonds formed swiftly, almost as if overnight – literally in some cases – by way of tried-and-true methods of indoctrination and thought reform. There could be no secrets in these spaces. Every thought must be spoken and known. We strived to achieve impossible goals, punished ourselves when we could not reach them, and encouraged each other to keep trying. These relationships were framed as eternal and unconditional. I did treat them that way, and I felt my intentions were reciprocated, but the result was wildly different to the expectation laid before us by those institutions. The all-consuming, all-encompassing relationships I had, while deeply rooted and very intimate, were unhealthy because they did not allow any room for the self, and they were actually very conditional in an unspoken way. Remain within the culture, and you have unlimited intimate connections. Step outside the line? You are a traitor who is no longer worthy of such intimacy. My reflection follows.

I bared myself, sins, crimes, all suffering and deep gashes to them in these places. The exchange was unconditional intimacy, love, closeness. We were plugged in to one another, so fully that the barrier between us all might have truly been an illusion. Even as I stepped out of our circles, I hoped such depth would continue. In some cases, it did. But suddenly, my world began to dim. Years went by and soon enough I inhabited a realm of shadows. I craved the bright light, the vibrance, of enmeshment. What a joy I had forsaken. And yet also it had forsaken me, for those I had loved so deeply withdrew themselves from me, and rightly so. But now I am betrayed and lost. Even as I seek out new connections, I find each interaction lacking. I was spoiled, joy receptors rotted out and unable to feel anything below the utmost verdant of pleasures derived from hill music and trauma bonds and platitudes we somehow meant with our whole chests. We were twelve. How could we have loved so deeply? They drugged us and told us lies, and our parents dilated our veins while the pastors pushed the needle. We were hacked before we had a chance to form our selves. 

I have today come to understand, in its entirety perhaps for the first time, that what I seek only exists in such cultish environs. I feel lost. I feel thirsty. I feel like there is plastic surrounding me, that no matter how I try, I cannot ever feel the genuine sensation of human skin on my skin other than my own, that my senses will forever be stifled by the cloying scent of my lifelong wounds, even after they close. It is as though I was given heroin from the bottle, and once I weaned myself off it everything felt gray and I didn’t know why. I used things to supplement it for a while – sex with strangers, alcohol, retail therapy, new versions of the same high control environment, new people to rebel against in my quest for closeness, a quest for the ultimate polycule complete with enmeshment and interdependence, too much caffeine, any moment spent on twitter... But now I see it. This excruciating boredom is not the absence of God. This is the absence of dangerous intoxication. This is the obliteration of the joy receptors in my brain through systematic indoctrination. This is not the absence of holiness. This is the absence of human manipulation.

Now I am a hermit in the woods, listening to the crickets and owls and whatever beautiful beast is out there trilling a lonely howl, and I see everything in the shining silver of the waning moon and that unfathomable host of stars up there. This kind of gray is lovely. But the gray I feel when I learn your name or hear your story? That is almost insufferable. You are not boring, but even if there is a spark between us, upon our parting I think that I will never speak to you again. I think that you hate me. I think that there is no instant bond, therefore we are not meant to know more of each other. I proposed with my sins in the first five minutes, but our hearts did not swap spit, our spirits did not fuck, and your dark secrets will never come to the surface. Unconsummated, we part, after hours of this intricate dance with steps and flourishes I was never taught. You watched as I stumbled over formalities and social norms, as I spoke a language you’ve only heard about on deconstructionist TikTok. You could not possibly understand that my interactions with every living human person is tinted gray. No one speaks my language, and I find that yours is simultaneously complex and underwhelming. I see now that you all will always be tedious and gray. Shades of it, sure, but gray nonetheless. Nothing will compare to the deadly, poisonous colors of that flower of thought control. I will never be able to sate the desire for codependence that was built into me from the earliest age. 

Nor should I try. 

Nor should I try.

I left that garden for a reason. I burned those roots to save my life. Were I ever to brew that tea again, I hope that I should dump it, or else take a taste and hate it, lest I be seduced by its intoxication and drink myself into oblivion. There is more death in that one flower than in the entire harvest from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

And now, as I navigate life with this new knowledge, I am aware of my inhumanity. I was hijacked, and while I reclaimed my vessel and my soul, the changes to my gears and mechanisms cannot be reversed. I am worn in ways few others can comprehend. I am broken and fixed with duct tape and rubber bands. I work, but something in me is off. I’m not quite right, and I never will be. So while the others are content in their shades of gray which are, to them, like rainbows and waterfalls of infinite color, I am lost in the loneliness of my own existence, knowing exactly where I can find respite, and also that such refreshment would be my demise. Can I be content to live such a muted life? No wonder so many return to the deadly path touted by those institutions – churches and brothels, preachers and pimps, they’re all the same to me.

And yet… perhaps all is not as dull as this. For even the silver stars have some color. Even the leaves have hues at night. There are smells and sounds and textures to know. There is more radiation in this life than that confined to the visible spectrum. And I feel close now to a revelation; that maybe I can experience the intimacy and vulnerability which I crave, though never again with a living human being. But in nature? In knowledge? In art? In expression? In history? In science? In myself? Therein may be the antidote, the solace, the suboxone that can grant me a life beyond my longing and sorrow. I prescribe them to me now, though my pursuit of them has been long already. Maybe this purposeful application will help ease my ailment, that life may feel colorful once more, even within the grayest of spaces.

Or maybe I’ll just get a dog.

[lynkhart]

MAJOR spoilers for the C2 finale of Critical Role so read at your own risk of you haven’t caught up!

I have so many feelings regarding Caleb and Essek’s intertwining character arcs I needed to explore, so strap in folks, you’re in for a bit of a ride! (But seriously though, this is like 4000 words long, I basically wrote an essay 😂)

At the start of the campaign, Caleb Widogast was dripping in guilt and self loathing and refused to believe he could ever absolve himself of his sins. Essek Thelyss was a cold, aloof individual who betrayed his people for selfish goals, and their differing yet mirrored narratives have been an absolute delight to watch unfold.

In the beginning Caleb truly hated himself. He shot down any attempt at a compliment, described himself as a ‘disgusting person’, outright rejected the idea that he was worthy of love, and never let the blame shift from him for what he’d done. When Beauregard and Veth/Nott pointed out that he was coerced and manipulated into killing his parents, he reacts in an incredibly visceral way, and I’ve seen several comments likening it to a victim of child abuse who was groomed into believing they were as responsible as their abuser, and I think that’s exactly how it was meant to be read. He doesn’t see himself as a victim, only a murderer, and punishes himself for it every day. We see this in the way he presents himself, dirty and unkempt because in his mind he doesn’t deserve to feel good about himself in any way. Other than Nott/Veth and Beau to a certain degree, he purposefully isolates himself from the rest of the group and it’s a long time until he feels relaxed enough in their company to drop his defences a little.

(Speaking from a purely meta point of view, Liam did an absolutely phenomenal job of showing this through body language and I’d love to see someone do a compilation video of it. He starts off very hunched and guarded, leaning his body away from the closest person to him and avoiding eye contact and physical touch; but by the end stands tall and sure of himself.)

Early on there were a few moments where he had the option to do some pretty dark shit, and I’m sure there’s a possible timeline where he gave into his desire for revenge and really lost his way, but I’m glad he stuck it out and worked through his trauma in the way he did. His PTSD and disassociation when casting with fire was tragic, but over time he was able to work through it thanks to the constant love and support of his friends who kept him from going off at the deep end.

Molly’s death was the catalyst for change in a lot of the party, and Caleb is no exception. On the verge of leaving the group prior to his death, the grief they shared, combined with their frantic attempt to rescue the other half of their party put things in perspective and gradually he learned how to be a person again, to care.

Altering time to save his family had been Caleb’s only goal in life, and so when Essek and by extension, dunamancy was introduced, you could see his eyes light up at the possibilities.

A huge turning point for him is aligned so closely with Essek’s redemption arc which feels quite apt I think. When Essek confesses to his crimes, Caleb delivers a beautifully iconic piece of dialogue where he acknowledges their similarities and how much he himself has changed as a person since meeting the Mighty Nein. (Source - CR wiki)

‘You listen to me. I know what you are talking about. I know. And the difference between you and I is thinner than a razor. I know what it means to have other people complicate your desires and wishes. And I was like you. Was. I know what a fool I have been for years. You didn't account for us. Good. That is life. Shit hits you sideways in life and no one is prepared. No one is ready. These people changed me. These people can change you. You were not born with venom in your veins. You learned it. You learned it. You have a rare opportunity here, Thelyss. One chance to save yourself, and we are offering it.’

This is not the same Caleb we met back in the Nestled Nook inn way back in the first episode. While not yet fulfilled or entirely convinced of his own worth, he knows he’s on the right path. That alone is progress enough, but that he uses his own experiences to help another escape those same chains of guilt says such a lot for his development. When he tells Essek that his ‘venom’ was learned, he’s also talking about himself and his own history of being manipulated and gaslit, with the implication being that it can be un-learned just as efficiently.

Caleb Widogast is selfish no more, or at the very least, doesn’t let his goals undermine anyone else’s anymore. Contrary to what he himself might still think, he is in no way a bad person. He loves fiercely and cannot abide seeing those he cares about in pain.

Early game Essek is what Caleb could have been if he’d rejected his friends and focused solely on his own selfish goal to undo his mistakes. Both are impassive at first and see the Mighty Nein as means to an end...until they get to know them and then their fate is sealed. The Power of Friendship wins once again!

At the beginning Caleb said he wanted to ‘bend reality to my will’ (sic) and in the end he does just that, though not in the way he originally intended. Destroying the T-Dock, and by extension the one thing he’d been building towards from the start, the chance to go back and change time, for me personally was the absolute peak of his journey. I rewatched the scene where Caleb revealed the truth about his parents death today, and it was really jarring to see just how far he’d come since then. It made me oddly proud actually.

I always felt like his plan to save his parents was the one thing holding him back from truly accepting their deaths, which is why the final scene of him in the cemetery with the letters for them hit so hard. He never truly gave up hope that they’d be reunited, but ultimately he realised he was merely postponing the inevitable and never allowing himself to live his own life. While time travel shenanigans would have been incredibly interesting to explore in game, choosing to let the past lie and not go back for them finally allows him to grieve and move on, and perhaps most importantly of all, to forgive himself at last.

I know some people were annoyed by Caleb’s decision in the finale to spend the rest of his life teaching rather than continuing to adventure, but I see it as the natural conclusion to his whole arc and his own personal victory.

He looked Trent Ikithon in the eyes, a man who he’d spent years wanting to kill and run from in equal measure, stripped him of his power and his voice (and ultimately his ability to harm anyone else) and finally spared his life so he had to live with the indignity of his defeat for the rest of his miserable existence. You couldn’t have asked for a more damning rejection of everything he’d been brainwashed into believing as a child. His dismissal of Trent’s position in the Assembly played into that as well. He never really wanted power for the sake of it; he had no desire for politics, he just wanted his family back, and while he didn’t get the one he started with, he made a new one for himself in the end.

As Caduceus once very wisely said:

‘Pain doesn’t make people; it's love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential; it's love that saves them.’

Caleb gets to break the cycle of abuse and teach a new generation of mages the way he should have been, with kindness and respect, and I’m pretty sure he’d have introduced a handsome drow as a guest lecturer from time to time. 😉

Speaking of...

Essek described himself as selfish and as a coward, forever putting his own wants and desires first, yet over the course of his journey with the Nein we see his priorities change drastically.

Having friends gives him people to care about, something he’s never had before, and it changes his outlook on life completely. For me, the first time we really see this is when he joins them for dinner in the Xorhaus and stops levitating. It’s a subtle thing, but meaningful. He explains that it had become an expectation of him, a quirk he’s known for, and so to feel comfortable enough around the Nein to drop that pretence is quite bold I think.

Much later, when he chooses to destroy the mini beacon they discover in Aeor in order to give everyone a long rest before the final confrontation with Lucian, he’s essentially giving up everything he betrayed his people for, just to keep his friends safe. The existence and context of that single artefact could have had an earthshattering impact on the Dynasty’s entire culture, forcing them to reevaluate their entire belief system and attitude to the Luxon, something he’d wanted from the start, something he helped start a war for, but he offered it up as a sacrifice without a second thought.

I’d say that’s a pretty big morality shift, and I’m super interested to see if Matt reveals if his alignment changed in the post campaign Q&A. I have a feeling he set him up as a potential BBEG but the party was like ‘no, you can’t have him, he’s ours now’ and that was the end of that. 😂

I think it says so much about the other characters too, that they befriended this person they barely knew, and when he was revealed to have done such terrible things, their first reaction was to give him comfort and an opportunity to atone. Jester held his hand while he confessed, and afterwards, while they didn’t immediately forgive him, they saw the good in him and wanted him to be better, which ultimately feels like what the entire campaign was about, leaving places (and people) better than they found them. It’s obvious that he’s never really had many friends before and has therefore never had the opportunity to be emotionally open with anyone, so seeing him gradually warm up to the Nein and allow himself to soften around them was really lovely to watch.

(Obviously, from a realistic moral perspective, he still fucked up big time. He’s still a godsdamned war criminal and really should have been put on trial for what he did, but I think from a narrative and personal point of view, his redemption arc was far more satisfying, so I’m glad it happened the way it did. (And not to derail but the rest of the gang have done some pretty horrific stuff as well, though perhaps not quite on the same scale)

He has a few moments towards the end that I absolutely love because they show that beneath the guilt and anguish, there’s an incredibly sweet and sensitive soul in there, just wanting acceptance. His dry jokes which often don’t quite hit, (the ‘I will punish the bakery’ line is such an under-appreciated one 😂) his simple joy at learning to garden in the Blooming Grove, and realising that he’d never been asked what his favourite food was before was actually kind of heartbreaking, because it highlighted how lonely his life must have been until that time. There was a moment pretty early on I think when he cast disguise on the party and Jester asked if he could cast it again to change the look of her outfit a bit and while he seemed to find it amusing, he refused, not wanting to waste a spell on such a frivolous request. Cut to their time in Aeor where he burns a fly spell just so he and Caleb can flirtatiously swoop around each other for a couple of minutes, all the while trying to beat Lucian to the city.

His breakdown when Molly’s resurrection failed really cemented to me how much he’d grown as a character. He never met Molly, his only knowledge of him was secondhand, through the eyes of his friends, but seeing it fail just broke him because he knew how much it hurt them to go through it all over again.

His comment to Caleb about not admitting defeat and wishing he could do more did get me wondering at the time if he was going to try and do something crazy, perhaps sacrificing himself via the Temporal Dock to make amends or somehow forcing another reroll, but I’m glad he didn’t. The conversation following that with Fjord was one of my favourites- he shows him acceptance and belief in his potential for the future, something he’s lacked for a long time, and when Caleb bluntly affirms afterwards that he is indeed an official member of the Mighty Nein, it’s the start of the rest of his life, and something he’s exceptionally grateful for.

It all leads to that final moment in Aeor with Caleb, when, presented with the opportunity to alter time and undo everything, he chooses to accept his decisions and carry the weight of his sins for the rest of his long life. That’s...huge.

He’s essentially choosing to live the rest of his existence as a fugitive, forever on the run, with no guaranteed peace or safety. He chooses to spend his life making up for his deeds, rather than looking for an easy way out.

I think that may have had a big impact on why Caleb ultimately made the same decision, as if Essek had been up for altering his timeline I think he’d have struggled to resist it himself. The conversation they had earlier in Aeor about their priorities and resisting temptation really comes to mind as well.

Now, to the relationship.

It was subtle, and not as ‘in your face’ obvious as the other characters, but I’ve been watching and hoping for a long time and I must say, it feels good to be vindicated.

(And if you have any doubt, both Matt and Liam confirmed on Twitter that their post finale relationship was 100% romantic)

I’d been hoping that Shadowgast would be a canon endgame relationship for a while, so the finale, and the aforementioned T-Dock scene in particular had me quite literally shaking with emotion as I watched live. Here you have two men, both damaged and guilt-stricken in their own ways, who find in each other a kindred spirit and a path to redemption.

They’re both very guarded and closed off people, but Essek in particular has a definite shift in the last arc of the campaign especially when it came to his interactions with Caleb. At the start he was quite aloof and stoic, though charming, and they had an instant connection through their shared love of the arcane, (anyone who couldn’t see them making heart eyes at each other when Essek was describing the different types of magic he could teach Caleb was clearly blind) but by the end he was incredibly open to showing his vulnerabilities and that takes a lot, especially for someone whose primary focus was to stay in control of every aspect of his life. The ‘Caleb, I’m scared’ moment during the Trent fight in particular made my heart ache.

No, we didn’t get a dramatic declaration of love or a cinematic mid-battle kiss, but I’d argue that their relationship was just as, if not more intimate than any of the other main characters were. They understood each other in a way the others didn’t, their shared guilt, feelings of inadequacy and their obsession with magic forged a deep connection from the get-go. Neither of them are big fans of PDA I think, though Caleb is tactile as hell (forehead touches and kisses, oh man, I’m so weak for those 😩👌) and some of their most iconic moments have them putting themselves in harm’s way to protect the other. Essek shaking off his forced guilt trip immediately after the now infamous forehead touch in ep140 was beautifully poetic, as was using his fortune’s favour to pull Caleb out of the rubble moments before. Caleb trying to include him in his Sphere of Invulnerability in the finale and Essek staying close to him the whole fight despite being obviously terrified of Trent was the icing on the cake. It’s clear that they care for each other a great deal; whether by the finale they’d consider it love is up for debate, but we know that’s eventually where it ended up and honestly, I love that. I deeply appreciated the fact Matt and Liam both emphasised that they took their time with their relationship, letting each other heal in their own way before they took the next step. All too often in media, and real life too sadly, a romantic relationship is seen as some kind of quick fix, and that a lover will somehow complete you or make all your problems vanish. They knew this wasn’t the case here, and that made it all the better.

While I would have *loved* to have seen them together as a couple right to the very end, the change in their relationship felt right, if bittersweet. I doubt they ever stopped loving each other, and if anything, choosing to shift to a deep and lifelong friendship over a romance that would cause them both so much pain is one of the kindest things you could do for someone you love. After all, friendship isn’t a downgrade, just another way of experiencing that same love, and it wasn’t as though they broke up and never saw each other again, it was pretty strongly implied that they remained a major feature in each other’s lives, they just changed their label slightly. Caleb would hate to have forced Essek to watch him wither away, and although his eventual passing would hurt Essek regardless, incompatible lifespans being what they are, having a period of time to adjust to it, to give them a buffer between the inevitable heartbreak was actually really sweet.

Their romance was no accident, they knew going in that it had a time limit, that it wasn’t going to be forever for one of them, and the fact they did it anyway says so much. They began their adventure wholeheartedly believing that they were both, in their own way incapable of love, only to later find it with each other. Whether their relationship lasted for a couple of years or multiple decades is irrelevant, what matters is that while it did they had a happy and fulfilled life together.

I know some folk wanted Caleb to use the transmogrification spell on himself so he could live on with Essek as another elf, or make him human instead, but that would have been way out of character for both I think. If they could have backwards engineered one of the rejuvenation stations in Aeor and used it to extend Caleb’s life by a hundred years or so, so he’d have a similar lifespan to Veth, now, I could have seen him possibly doing that, so he could spend more time with his best friend too, but nothing further I think. He longed to be reunited with his parents too much to postpone death unnaturally like that.

That both Caleb and Essek ultimately chose to live with their mistakes and make peace with themselves was incredibly cathartic, and I couldn’t imagine it playing out any better.

The fact Matt has explicitly stated Essek is Demi too means so much to me personally because the latter is a label I’ve been identifying with a lot recently, and it’s so rare for aspec relationships to get any representation! It has honestly given me a lot to think about over the last few days, and I really appreciate it.

To conclude, here’s a bit of shameless self promotion. I wrote this after watching the finale and honestly feel like it sums up my feelings on the nature of their relationship pretty well.

‘A casual hand on a shoulder, a waist, a wrist; a gentle kiss placed on a forehead is common between them now, an intimacy born of trust and mutual affection. Over time it grows, like a fire born of seasoned timber; gradual and steady, no spluttering kindling that flares and sparks, but a slow burn, one which lasts.

Their love is embroidered into every aspect of their lives together. Acts of service, of comfort, of understanding.

Sometimes a kiss leads to more than a kiss, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way they are content.‘

So yeah, I love these two wizard boys so very much and I couldn’t be happier with the conclusion of their stories. ❤️

[trans-p03g]

Would I be able to make up for my sins by asking for more info about ur fan kids 👉👈 like you mentioned Golly and Angel had a kid but are there more you'd like to share? Doesn't even have to be Lost souls either, any fan kids you'd like to gush about in general would be nice!

(I know I'm probably not in the position to ask considering I've been tormenting u haha)

...Okay, you're forgiven. Bribery unfortunately works on me KDBDMFHFNF

Daphne, aka Golly's and Angel's kid, is actually my bestie @bluethepearldiver 's OC! they're the AU coowner :] They also have Norm, who's Leshy's oldest kid, and two of Grimora's older kids (tho these are a WIP still to my knowledge) (Blue if you see this feel free to ramble about your fankids too and I'll reblog that bad boy)

SO FOR MY LITTLE BASTARDS THO

There's Zoey, the youngest of the kids (11-15 years old). She's in Lost Souls AU. She's Poe's daughter, dunno who the other parent is but that's not really important since Poe was a single parent. She's a little chaotic and keeps eating shit she probably shouldn't, but she grows out of it thankfully (she eats gummy worms now ("You won't let me eat the real ones so I have to resort to this")). She's just a little menace and I love her for it. She made Norm eat dirt on numerous occasions. Poe had to fight a long custody battle for her (because their parents are cunts) but they ultimately won it and now she's just living her best life with 5 loving parents and forcing her almost trice her age step-brother to eat mud :]

There's Cecil, he's Grimora's/Morana's youngest kid at 18-22 years old. He's in Lost Souls AU. She's been gone for most of his life but he very quickly re-bonds with her, he's a big mama's boy :] Also a filthy enabler to Zoey's antics, he often eggs Norm on along with her (god, save poor Norm). He's a big nerd and often infodumps about comics to his mum and step-parents (who obviously happily listen).

There's Oktawia, Leshy's/Lech's youngest at 23-27 years old. She's in Lost Souls AU. She sticks out like a sore thumb in her family as she's a well dressed young office lady, but despite appearances, she gets along with them very well. She's a trans lady too, and considering her older sibling is enby and dad is a he/they, they often joke that transgenderism runs in the family djfbfn. She also calls Norm "worm boy". No, I will not shut up about Norm being bullied by an 11-year-old girl into eating mud/earthworms.

Peony is my main fankid in H'sE-aligned AUs, but I've been toying with an idea of other fankids (notably Grimora x P03 and Magnificus x P03, but they're not developed yet).

Peony is the daughter of Leshy and P03 which makes her a half-forest-deity/half-human (P03 is a cyborg, but hid that fact because he did not want to unpack All That Trauma with the other scrybes). She's the result of a one time fling, that P03 managed to hide pretty well (and in one flavour of the AU straight up left before he even knew she existed). She was a premie, which added to her dad's worry, but soon enough he discovered that she does better around nature and Leshy so the moment she was able to be taken out of the incubator they moved her to Leshy's cabin (before that Leshy just borderline lived at the factory, he spent so much time with her). She's pretty much raised collectively by the scrybes, though obviously mostly taken care of by Leshy and P03. She's also a shapeshifter like Leshy and the moment Leshy mentioned P03 used to be a stoat she gave herself stoat ears and tail instead (which at first irked P03 a bit but he came to find it cute). She's just...a little cute ball of energy and I LOVE HER. She's adorable, I'd kill for her.

The scrybes have a total of 10 kids in that one AU where they're divorced and making it Luke's problem, but most of them are under construction. Two notable ones, that are yet to be named, are the bio kids of Magnificus and P03. They're twins and the second oldest right after Grimora's and Leshy's kid, and are both based on the Stim Mage card. The boy is just a straight-up stim mage, while his sister has a mix of that and a cowboy aesthetic (P03 has a thing for cowboys and she inherited that). She's still a mage, she just has a cowboy hat...and a gun. The guy is a very hot-tempered fella who loves to annoy Luke, the girl is just there for fun and is friendlier with the poor, poor immortal who's there against his will. She's very cheery but can and WILL beat your ass if provoked.

There are also a few other concepts; All of Leshy's kids have that forest deity vibe. Their oldest, Grimora's and Leshy's bio kid, is obviously themed around bugs, and even though they look a tad bit creepy they're also very graceful, heavy fairy vibes imo. Peony is also here, but she's got more of a jackalope look and is part of triplets; she's got two brothers, identical boys who have a stoat theme and are lovingly called "The Shitlings" by their siblings because they're a very mischievous duo. Grim's and P03's bio kid is a grave keeper and the straight man amongst his siblings (please, he's so tired), but they also built a bot together that's modelled after exeskeleton card. P03 and Mags also had a third child, which is a bot powered by mox. There are also Mags x Grim and Mags x Leshy kids but I don't have much of an idea for them yet, except the fact that the one with Leshy will have a wolf theme.

AMD FINALLY, The Triplets™. Damn, I need to finally come up with names for them, huh? Anyway, I did talk about them; they originated in the Factory Reset AU but I've been planning on adding them to some of my other Grim x P03 AUs like the Gods AU. They're all modelled on the exeskeletom card, are enby and have small differences between them but since only Grimora and P03 seem to tell them apart, they are colour coded for everybody's convenience. Also! Selectively mute, they only talk to their parents.

I've also been thinking about making a fankid for P03 and my OC but I dunno what to do with them yet

[collecting-stories]

Forevermore - c. 06 - JJ Maybank

Summary: With your parents away, JJ spends some quality time at your house.

A/N: Sorry there was a longer gap between these chapters.

You Are Ok Masterlist | Outer Banks Masterlist

✞ I never really ever, ever felt so at home before ✞

Your parents had a long list of rules that dictated every waking moment of your house. Rules that told you what to wear, what to eat, what to read, what to watch, who to spend time with. But one rule that had never even been added to the list was “no boys in the house”. It had never been necessary before, no boys at all was the general and, always upheld, rule for you and your sisters. Telling you not to allow them in the house didn’t even seem like a possibility to your parents and probably never would’ve seemed like a possibility to you if you hadn’t met JJ.  

Timothy left on the weekend, promising to be back for your birthday in a month,  and your parents left the day after, headed to South Carolina for a couples’ church retreat that your father was guest lecturing at. You had convinced your father, before you had even met JJ, that you could stay alone for the short week that they would be gone. Though technically, now, you weren’t alone.  

“Okay, we’re starting with the basics.” JJ announced, carrying a bowl of popcorn and two sodas into the living room, setting them down on the coffee table. You were sitting on the couch, blanket wrapped around your body, a baggy t-shirt serving as clothing because you didn’t want to wear a dress but didn’t have any pajama pants or shorts to wear.  

“What qualifies as ‘the basics’?” you asked, opening your blanket enough that JJ could get underneath with you, pulling your legs over his lap. He’d borrowed Pope’s laptop to watch movies with you, since your parents didn’t own any sort of technology, television included. Your parents had phones and there was a landline but that was about as far as it went.  

“Disney movies, even I’ve seen disney movies.” JJ replied, though admittedly it had been later in his childhood that he’d seen them. “We’ll start with my personal favorite...actually, not a disney movie just an animated movie, whatever...it’s called Balto.”

“Is that a dog?” You stared at the screen as JJ clicked on the icon for the movie.

“Yeah, it’s a movie about a sled dog.”  

“A sled dog?” You laughed, brushing his hair back so that you could kiss him before the movie started and he shushed you to listen. Your hand went to the back of his head, your eyes on the TV as you ran your fingers through the hair at the nap of his neck, absentmindedly leaning into him more.  

JJ had brought a whole backpack to your house, stuffed with clothes for the long weekend that both of you fully intended for him to spend at your house. Ever since you had mentioned the trip to JJ, and the possibility of him staying, you had been thinking of the implications of that. What expectations did he have for the week? You thought about asking him directly, or even asking Kiara or Pope, surely they would be able to tell you something about the girls that JJ dated before you.  

It wasn’t like you had any illusions about them. You weren’t jealous or insecure about any of his past girlfriends, or hook-ups. John B had indicated that JJ had never really done the ‘dating thing’ before you, which had you wondering what exactly he might expect out of you before you realized that he really didn’t expect anything. But whether he’d dated anyone seriously in the past or not, and whether that should have intimidated you or not, you were fairly neutral about it. JJ was your boyfriend and he loved you, he’d said so, and you weren’t worried about anyone else.  

“You know I’ve never watched a cartoon before?” You chanced mentioning, whispering the words to him as the dog on screen talked. There were a lot of things you hadn’t done before meeting JJ.  

Some things you weren’t interested in. The smoking didn’t bother you but you had no desire to try it, you’d given beer one go at a party that JJ snuck you out to but it tasted disgusting and you had nearly spit it back out. You’d tried soda and coffee and fast food and a slurpee from the 7-11 near the pawn shop. You wore jeans and a dress that was far more revealing that you’d ever considered a dress could be, and a bathing suit. You had let Kiara do your makeup and you liked it but weren’t terribly interested in doing it again. There were physical things too, just sitting next to JJ was something you had never done before, let alone kissing him.  

You thought about sex but hadn’t mentioned it to JJ, unsure if you should. The only sex talk you’d ever gotten from your mom had been when she told you that premarital sex was the ultimate sin and women who engaged in it ended up with unwanted babies. The basic understanding you’d come away with was that sex was intended simply to produce children for your family and to keep your husband happy and that he would, inevitably, guide you through it. You had trouble imagining Timothy guiding you through anything even remotely intimate.  

It wasn’t that you didn’t feel comfortable bringing up the subject to JJ it was just that you weren’t sure you were supposed to. You’d thought about asking Kiara but then felt kind of embarrassed about it, would she understand or think it was lame that you were asking about sex with her best friend. You weren’t even sure you were ready to have sex with him, whatever ready meant.  

“You okay?” JJ asked, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear, “you kinda zoned out.” He’d answered you about the cartoon thing but when you said nothing else he’d looked over, only to find you staring at the TV almost trance like.  

“Just thinking.” You replied. He had put the movie on cause it was his favorite and you wanted to watch it with him but you couldn’t help your mind from going haywire the longer you sat there.  

“Anything you wanna share with the class?” JJ asked, tucking the blanket around you more when you leaned into him.  

“I don’t know,” you really weren’t sure. You assumed, figured, he must know that you’d never had sex. It had to have crossed his mind at least once. Was he waiting for you to mention it to him? Was he just waiting to mention it or was he uninterested?  

JJ nodded slowly, tilting his head down to press a kiss against your collar where the large shirt had slipped to one side. You look at the TV screen, absentmindedly worrying your bottom lip between your teeth. JJ’s hand on your thigh returned some sense of gravity to you, drawing your attention away from Balto’s quest and back toward your boyfriend who was watching you with the sweetest blue eyes you’d ever seen.  

“What do you think about us having sex?” You asked suddenly, the overwhelming urge to confront the elephant in your head making you blurt out the first thing that came to mind.  

To his benefit, JJ looked somewhat startled by the question. It wasn’t one anyone had ever asked him before. He’d dated before and definitely had sex before, but he’d never had an actual conversation about it, not like that. “I uh, did you want to?” JJ asked, clearing his throat a little uncomfortably. He wasn’t completely sure what to say. He had definitely thought about having sex with you, he spent a lot of time thinking about you.  

“I don’t know...” you repeated, shrugging. “My mom told me having sex before marriage was evil. But she says that about kissing too.” You replied, pressing a kiss to his lips as an example.  

“I don’t know about evil,” he laughed, “John B’s a little more sentimental than me when it comes to sex but...I mean, you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to.”

“I’m not really sure if I want to or not, I don’t have any experience...” you admitted, “it’s easy, with small stuff like soda and pants but, it’s harder to separate what I believe with what my parents believe when it’s stuff like that. I spent so many years being told that sex is something sacred for a husband and wife but...I don’t know if that’s something I truly believe.”  

JJ leaned his forehead against yours, kissing your cheek. “I would never, ever do anything you didn’t want to.”  

“I know that.” You replied. “Sorry for ruining Balto.”

“That’s okay, now whenever I watch it, I’ll just think of you wanting to have sex with me.” JJ teased, squeezing your leg just above your knee and making you laugh. You pressed a kiss to JJ’s neck, hiding your face so he couldn’t see you.  

“I love you.” You mumbled, lips brushing against his skin as you spoke.  

He tightened his grip on your waist, pulling you as close to him as he could, practically onto his lap as he kissed your forehead, “I love you too.” He replied.  

You practically jumped off his lap when a knock sounded on the kitchen door, “shoot,” you huffed, closing the laptop as JJ stood up.

“Who is it?” He asked, already grabbing the soda bottles and popcorn.  

“It’s Josiah. He promised my dad he would stop over and check on me.” You explained, keeping your voice down as you grabbed a skirt from the laundry off the kitchen, pulling it up, “go in my room.”

“They sent your brother over? I can’t believe your parents’ don’t trust you.”  

“I literally have a boy in the house!” You whispered, shoving him down the hall toward your room.  

The minute you heard your bedroom door shut you went to the kitchen, letting Josiah in, “sorry, I had the door locked,” you said, hugging your brother as he stepped through the door.  

“That’s alright, I forgot my key anyway. What’re you up to?” He asked, walking further into the house.  

“Laundry, mostly, I finished some homework for mom.” You shrugged, crossing your arms under your chest and glancing down the hall. “So yeah, just hanging out.”

“Man, it’s so quiet here without anyone else.” Josiah commented, “used to be loud no matter what.”

“Oh yeah, but that was all Eli and Robert.” You replied, “I was always an angel.”

He laughed, “yeah sure.”  

Josiah hung around for close to an hour, helping himself to left-over dinner in the fridge and talking about his kids with you, before he finally decided that it was getting late and that you were okay to spend the rest of the night by yourself. By that point you were almost 100% positive that JJ had probably skipped out. You would’ve definitely skipped out if you had to spend an hour sitting in someone’s bedroom while they talked about kids with their older brother. Once you’d locked the door behind your brother you headed to your room, expecting to find it empty. Instead, JJ was sitting there on the top bunk of the beds, reading your KJV bible.  

“You really love that top bunk huh?” You laughed, closing your bedroom door behind you.  

“Absolutely.” He replied, “this stuff is crazy, by the way.”  

“King James is...difficult to understand.” You said, pulling off the skirt you’d put on when Josiah got there and climbing up the ladder to the bunk bed. “I’m not sleeping up here with you, by the way. I have a perfectly good bed down there.”

He smiled, leaning over to kiss you, “I’m staying over?”

“You told me you were staying over, don’t act like it’s a surprise.” You laughed, nudging his side.  

JJ held the book on his lap, wrapping his arm around your waist and pulling you against him. He set his chin on your shoulder, pushing the book over so that you could see it to. “Here, explain this shit to me.”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to call the bible shit.” You said, turning your head so you could kiss him. “I like this.”  

“Sitting on the top bunk?” JJ asked.  

You rolled your eyes, “I mean, getting to spend time with you like this. Not having to worry about my parents or anything.”  

“We should keep doing this.” he replied, “my dad’s got a boat, the Phantom...I’m gonna take it after graduation and head down the coast. You should come with me.”

“Leave? Everything?” You asked. There were only two options and you had known that since you started to develop feelings for JJ. You could break ties with your family and hope that this thing with JJ was real enough to survive or you could walk away from him and marry Timothy and move to Nashville.

“I know it’s a...a lot.” JJ said, “but I just want you to be happy.”  

“I am, right now.”  

“Think about it. We could figure things out, find work somewhere.” He suggested, kissing your shoulder.  

You smiled, leaning into him more but not replying. Your gut reaction was to agree immediately, say that you wanted to go with him anywhere but you didn’t want to rush into anything. This week would be enough for right now.  

-

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[ill-skillsgard]

Would you ever write about Faust making Faith squirt for the first time cause that would be the hottest thing ever.

Warning: 18+ SMUT. Anal play, sex toys, size kink, possessive sex, strong anti-Christian themes, squirting, angst, feelings.

Note: I really hope you guys enjoy this one! Please let me know your thoughts and reblog/like if you can! I’d appreciate it. 

Faust x Faith Masterpost [x]

"You didn't wear the outfit," Faust murmured against Faith's lips. 

"Sorry. I forgot. You got here so quick."

He took hold of the metal loop dangling at her neck and smirked. "But you wore this for me."

"I thought you'd like it," Faith giggled. 

"You think you're some kind of naughty girl? Do you think this collar makes you bad?"

Faith shrugged. 

"Do you know what happens to girls who wear things like this?" 

She grabbed his hands and placed them on her chest. "Why don't you show me?" 

"You couldn't handle it," he chuckled. 

Faith wasn't in the mood to convince Faust to do what he wanted with her. He'd gotten it lodged in his head that she was too delicate, but she wanted him to overpower her and make her hurt in that viciously pleasurable way she dreamt of. 

"Come on, Faust, you were the one who said you wanted to wreck this pussy. You won't take advantage of our last couple of nights together by making me never forget them?"

"You say that like I'm never coming back."

Faust nipped her bottom lip, palms sliding down her ribs to the back of her skirt. He pulled it up and squeezed her ass in both hands, watching her face change shapes any time he compressed her skin.

"You're going away for weeks. Who knows what will happen? Maybe you'll find a new girl and forget all about me."

Faust loosened his and shook his hair out of his face. "Don't say that."

"Im just kidding," she chuckled, leaning in for a kiss and meeting the crest of his cheekbone instead. 

"What?" Faith asked. 

"I'm serious. Why do you think that way?"

She pulled away to focus on the solemnity of his face. "I don't know, it's just something girls say."

"I don't think so."

"Relax, baby. It's okay. Let's just do it right here in the car. Please? I'm going to miss you so much when you go away. I need all I can get."

"I don't care," Faust said, framing his long fingers into a C-shaped hold on her neck. He didn't squeeze, but held her in place and drilled into her eyes with his. "Are you saying you might find another guy while I'm gone?"

"No! Of course not!"

"Then why do you think I'd cheat on you?"

"I don't think that," she whispered.

Faust released her throat and tightened his arms around her, pinning her in his firm embrace as she straddled his lap. "I'm not looking for groupies and shit. I just want to play. That's all I care about. That, and you."

"I know, Faust. Why do you always have to take everything I say so seriously? You know I'd never think about that. I'm a good girl, remember?"

Faust's throat rolled out a soft growl. "Good girls don't wear slutty little collars. Or sneak out of their dorms to fuck their boyfriends in the backseat of a car."

"Don't you want to corrupt me? Christian girl, taken by some heathen devil-worshiper... Destroying her purity."

He curled his hips up, the thick seam of his jeans rubbing against her flimsy panties, brushing over her sheathed clit. The pressure grew with the next carve. Faust filled with blood and clamped her frame against him as his hand snuck around to the back of her skirt again. 

"Faust, please. I want it. I'll let you do anything to me."

"I know. You've waited long enough. Now I know what you can and can't handle. But not here."

Faith whimpered when he stopped feeding her strokes of his groin. She'd been wriggling against him, trying to fret hard enough that his buried erection pressed against her folds. Though his tilting stopped, the hands at her behind explored the soft mounds of flesh and the sensitive spots that lied between them.

"You're gonna give me everything. That mouth and those pretty lips. Your cunt. Mm-hmm, and this one right here too. Yeah, I'm gonna fill that asshole with all kinds of things. My fingers... my tongue? Maybe a special surprise I have waiting at home?"

Faith never felt such a violent shiver ripple across her skin. It was like the window cracked open on its own and let in the bitter night air, sweet with the seasonal decay. He pressed his index finger against the promised hole, rotating and varying pressure over the cotton.

"All right, I'm serious now. Let's get going. Climb into your seat and buckle up."

On the ride back to Faust's apartment, his arm stretched over to toy with her clit, still never breaching the protection of her underwear. He only ghosted his fingertips over them, refusing to nudge them aside to give her the full strokes she craved. Even when Faith tried to pull them down, he stopped her hand, clicking his tongue and berating her for being too eager.

"Control yourself. Just enjoy what I give you."

"Please, I want more."

"You'll get more when I decide you deserve more. Tonight, you're mine. My pussy. My tits and ass and mouth. Whatever I say goes. Understand?"

"Yes, Faust."

"Good... Now I want you to lean back and finger your pussy. Then I want you to smear that pussy juice on the windshield. Draw my roommate a little picture."

Faith scoffed, cowering against the backrest, clutching her seatbelt. "What? Are you serious?"

He swung his eyes away from the road for as long as it took for the windshield wipers to clip twice. 

"Do it." 

She obeyed, and parted her legs to insert her middle finger as far as the second knuckle, curling to find the spot inside Faust helped her discover. Faust looked back at the road as she worked herself up, nodding and smirking when she brought her glistening fingertip to the glass to create the shape of a heart. 

"Aw, isn't that sweet? Leave 'em a little message."

Faust held the hand she'd used to finger herself the entire elevator ride up. He led Faith straight into his room after dropping the keys at the door. This behaviour was normal, as Faust never had much to say to his roommate besides agreeing on times to use the car. Faith skipped along with his formidable steps to the bedroom.

Faust's bed welcomed her instantly. Giddy and nearly delirious from the excitement of not sleeping in her own bunk at school, Faith sat down and smoothed out her skirt while he went to the closet to rummage around. 

Even the gory posters and beer bottles gave her a sense of comfort. She'd miss his room, and the nights they spent entangled in each other, his massive limbs always draped over hers while they cuddled or talked or slept or fucked. It keyed into her head then that she wouldn't see his plaid bedsheets or nap under the comforter that smelled like his shampoo and deodorant for a long, long time. She tried not to think about that, but the realization overcame her by the time Faust retrieved the item for which he searched. 

He knelt on the carpet, noticing a single tear on her cheek and wiping it away. 

"Don't do this, babe. Don't cry."

Faith brushed the next droplet away herself and breathed in deeply. 

"I'm so sorry. I'll try not to. It's just hard because... I'll miss you."

"I know. It'll be tough, but when I get home, maybe I'll be able to get out of here... Get a car. Move closer to your school. I won't have to keep borrowing fuckface's shit-wagon to come see you. Things will be better after I get back."

"I just can't imagine sleeping without you for that long."

"It's part of the gig, Faith. It always will be. I'll have to do this at least once a year. Probably more if things go well."

She looked down at her toes and nodded, avoiding the large green eyes imploring her to accept reality. Faust stood up and raked his hand through her hair, pressing her face against his thigh. 

"Don't get soft on me now. We have a big night, remember? Unless you don't feel like fucking no more?" 

Faith would never pass up the opportunity to please him. It always meant if she did a good job, he'd pleasure her right back, tenfold. But tonight made a heavier promise Faith craved since the moment she passed him by in the diner; for Faust to show her the dark side of life, where her elders and superiors had always promised demons lurked, waiting to undo her and lead her away from the righteous path. 

He handled her jaw firmly, raising her to her knees on the bed. He bent at the hips and captured her lips along with the silver ring hanging from her neck. A length of chain slid through his grip as he stood up, and he wound it up in his fist, raising her another inch. The leather pressed into her skin and she surrendered instantly. 

"That's what I thought."

"What're you gonna do to me?" 

"Don't speak. You'll answer me and that's it. Now get off the bed. On your knees." 

They switched spots, Faust sitting on the edge of the bed and Faith kneeling between his legs. He pulled the leash short and worked open the button and zipper of his pants, nodding for Faith to pull them down. 

"You wanna be a bad girl?" 

Faith nodded, a warm, fluttering sensation filling her chest. 

"Yeah. You want to do all the sinful things they taught you not to do in school. Like giving your precious little pussy away. There's no way a slut like you can wait until marriage and you don't care how it looks in your God's eyes. The only one you want is to serve me, even if it means going back on the vows you made to stay pure and chaste," Faust chuckled." Well, it's way too late now. I've already soiled you and taken your virginity. But don't you think it's inherently perverse how those supposed men of God put so much importance on what's between your gorgeous legs? Almost like that's all they think about. And who can really blame them? You can do bad in school, cheat on your work, hurt others, lie, steal, disobey your parents and still earn forgiveness, but the moment you let a man's cock inside you, you’ve got no worth. Funny, isn't it? The ultimate sin is what you crave the most. All those white men policing your pussy. Your pastor... Your father... Your God."

A sliver of her past self shuddered to hear the unabated truth pouring from Faust's lips. There was always a shameful breath lingering inside her whenever they had sex, but she always suppressed it by looking into his eyes to find the love living deep in those green pools. Tonight, Faust didn't let an ounce of affection shine through, determined to bring her shame to the forefront of her mind to exploit it. 

"What? Am I wrong? That's what they taught you, isn't it? That your urges make you sinful. That your natural human instincts put you off the path to heaven. Even though, mm, when I stuff all your little holes, you swear you're already there. Why does it feel so good to fuck me when it's so wrong?"

The residual polyps of her religious upbringing quivered and stung, echoing past lessons drilled into her from birth. Faith was always aware of existence on the other side of the fence where the criminals and harlots and sinners lived, and as a child, thought herself too good to wander into those dim pastures. As she matured, new world realities filtered through the pinpricks her parents overlooked—other children whispering of PG-13 movies, sex-charged billboards and unsupervised access to the internet—leaving behind the silt of the depraved for her to examine with hungry eyes. Nothing excited her more than the thought of finding a used porn magazine at the park, or staying up later than the rest of her girlfriends to catch flashes of soft-core skin on cable television. Now she was neck-deep in the sin they'd worked so hard to keep her from, ready to dive in with but a nostalgic glance back at her old, virtuous life.

It still bothered her whenever Faust referred to God, as they fashioned Him before her as divinity, unchallengeable. The unabashed way Faust spit upon His image made her cringe, yet his gall carved out a spot in her head above her pastor, above her father. Faust was the only man to defy her doctrine, and that made him more courageous than anyone she'd ever known. Even her daddy cowered in fear of God's wrath. Faust... he pissed on the cross and the bible, made a mockery of the gospel and showed her how delicious the grapes of temptation tasted on her contaminated tongue.

Faust pushed the elastic band of his boxers down so it bunched under his balls, helping his shaft stand upright. If left without support, he'd loll to the side, the girth too much for his blood to circumvent.

"Open your pretty mouth and suck this fat fucking cock, right now."

Faith displayed her tongue, waiting for him to trace a line from tip to tonsils. The warm pre-cum coated her tastebuds, and she wrapped her lips around the head, swallowing the fluid and moaning.

"Oh, Christ, baby, that looks so good. How does it taste?"

Faith hummed in agreement, unable to form a word with the mass wedging her jaws apart. He bucked his hips up once, hitting the back of her throat, then settled on the bed and let her go to work while he used the chain leash to angle her head. Bubbles formed around the ridge, dripping down in all directions to lubricate the way. Soon, Faust shivered from the warm froth gliding downward and pulled her off by the chain, anchoring his shaft against his belly.

"Suck that spit off my balls," he barked.

Faith did as she was told, keeping her eyes on his slackened face as she trailed her tongue up and down, collecting the saliva and swallowing.

"Good. That's good. Now, get up on the bed. On your hands and knees," he yanked the chain.

Propelled by the force around her neck, Faith crawled onto the bed and awaited his next move. She didn't notice the shiny object in his hand until he placed it on the bed next to her. A shiny metal plug with a jewelled end awaited, puckering the bedspread under its weight.

Before Faith mustered the courage to ask, Faust pulled her panties down to her knees and lapped her entrance with the same sloppy ardency she'd shown him but a minute before. He nipped her folds and continued upward, two hands now spreading her cheeks apart to reveal the next destination of his travelling tongue.

"Did you get all nice and clean for me?" He snickered.

"Mm-hmm," Faith said with a nod.

"Yeah, 'cause you knew I was gonna play with that ass."

Faust teased her with circles of varying pressure, switching his middle finger out for his tongue the first time he dipped inside. She wiggled and let curious noises escape her before clamping her hand over her mouth.

"How does that feel?"

"It feels... good," Faith replied.

"Yeah? You like it? Like it when I sodomize you?"

She whimpered. Faust took her mewling as a sign to continue. Slowly, he inserted his fingertip, reading her body and how it contorted from the new intrusion. When he was certain she wouldn't refuse, he worked the digit in and out, anointing the site with a fresh wad of spit.

"What do you think about the toy I bought for you?"

Faith craned her head to regard the little silver toy. "I like it."

"Really? You're not just saying that are you? It's not just something girls say, is it?"

"No, I want it. I'll do it if you like that."

"Anyone ever tell you how sweet you are? You’re always thinking of others. Perfect little cock-slave. It's really too bad your holes are so tiny. I'd really love to fuck your ass, but we wouldn't want anyone getting injured tonight," Faust said.

Faith simpered and wiggled her hips. There was a brief loss of contact as Faust went for a bottle of lube he always had stashed under the bed for nights Faith needed it. He coated the toy and rubbed the rest around and inside her tightness. With his fingertip eclipsing her hole, he dipped in one last time before replacing the digit with the tapered end of the plug.

Faith couldn't tell what it looked like when her body accepted the weighty piece of decoration, but when Faust had it in place, he breathed heavily.

"Fuck, Faith... That's adorable. How's that feel?"

She tilted her hips from side to side, grimacing from the flare pressing into her cheeks. "It's... Different."

"Spread your legs a bit more. Yeah, that's good. Open up and show me that pussy and your cute plug."

Faust overestimated his reserve of patience. Once affixed with the pink jewel, he lost sight of everything else except filling her other holes too. But he had to control himself if he wanted to achieve what he set out to achieve, and that required endurance. He had to tease her with a little more tongue-fucking before slipping his cock in from behind. She gasped and clenched hard, flinching away. The added fullness only intensified the stretch from his width and the imposing length. Faust seethed a moment before teasing her pussy with the tip.

"All right, work it however you like, babe. Get comfortable. It's a lot."

Left to her own efforts, she sat back on him and let the stretch course through her. Faust watched most of his length disappear, mouth dropped in awe. She continued jamming him back inside after every withdrawal, hoping to impress with her resilience. 

"You're doing good, baby. Keep going. Fuck, that feels amazing."

When Faust grew bored with the position, he flipped her on her back so he could watch her wince in mixed pain and pleasure. Her struggle urged him on, her panting, encouragement. Over the months, Faith got used to the breadth of him inside and didn't tremble as much or wilt from trying to keep up. It was time to move onto the next part of his plan, which was to introduce yet another form of stimulation. 

Faust had her sit on him, his chest to her back, fully enveloped in her wetness with the plug angling just right. Once she perched in his lap comfortably, he reached around to rub her clit with one hand while the other anchored her collared neck back so her head rested on his shoulder. 

"You're gonna come all over me, understand? I won't stop until I feel your pussy spasming around my dick." 

Faith squealed from the frantic fingers dancing over her clit, the shaft pumping her in a violent clashing of rhythms. Even his brutal whispers in her ear fell into time, playing her like an instrument with expertise. By her arching back and sharp breaths, Faust knew he was close to his goal. He just had to restrain himself from succumbing to the tightening pressure around him, the feast that was her body contorting on top of his. 

"Are you gonna come? Gonna fucking squirt for me?" 

Faith nuzzled into his neck and whimpered, "I... Can't. I don't know how." 

"Yes, you do. Feel that spot right there? Remember? Remember what I told you."

"Faust," she gasped. 

"You're right there. I can feel it. Right there, Faith."

He coiled his thick arm around her chest, pressing her as he shot his groin up and up. Each thrust landed harder while his fingers coddled her most sensitive spot. 

Amid the barrage of sensations, a peculiar warmth bourgeoned in her groin. For a second she thought her bladder was about to release, but it was too gradual... Too intentional to be a regular function. The undulating pulse sent red hot waves of pleasure through her body, shooting to her fingertips and crackling in her ears like a sudden ascent up a steep mountain. She closed her eyes and let out one continuous groan that spiralled upward, squealing from between her teeth as the volcanic frequencies shut down all other modes of operation. 

Faith didn't notice the first spurt. Only when Faust laughed did she unscrew her eyes to see between her legs. Faust lifted her quickly, sidling them both to the edge of the bed where the mirror reflected the clear fluid dripping down his cock and spreading between their thighs. He'd fucked her hard enough to collect fizz along the underside of his length. She gasped when a contraction forced another small emission from a place inside her she never knew existed. 

"Oh, my goodness... Am I?" 

"Squirting? Damn fucking right, babe. I knew I could get ya to gush all over my dick."

The fervent racks of orgasm subsided after a while, and she giggled. Faust laid back on the bed, feet planted on the floor as he slipped out of her and let her roll to the side. Faith huddled up under his arm and placed her little hand on his heaving chest, his heartbeat kicking up the limb. 

"You didn't come," Faith said.

Faust grabbed her hand and tightened his arm around her shoulders. "Yeah. That's 'cause I'm not done with you."

~*~

On the day of Faust's departure, he drove Faith to her campus and got out of the car to give her a hug. She produced a rickety smile as she buried her face in his hair and the first sniffle racked her throat. She imagined they looked novel to most; Faust spreading his feet and crouching to use his entire body, clam-shelling her in leather-bound arms and ripped black jeans, and Faith in a school kilt and his largest and softest hoodie. 

Faust kissed her once softly, then again slowly. She savoured his breath and sent her tongue after his. They parted, joined once more and parted again for their first attempt at goodbye.

Faith shivered from the effort of holding back her tears. She knew crying would only make it harder to part ways. If she could hold on, then she could cry in her plain, two-sided cubicle in a building of people that weren't Faust. She already felt sorry for her roommate who would suffer her grovelling.

To her surprise, she reared in the heat behind her eyes, remembering the times in the Summer when Faust would talk about touring. The glint in his eye and the smile he let slip only in her presence was Faust at his purest. How could she let her emotions taint his goals? Faith smiled, driven by her unexpected surge of self-control. 

It was Faust who bit his lip and blinked rapidly, trying to smother a tear before it oozed out. Faith gasped at the glimmer he smeared with the leather cuff of his jacket. Then, she broke.

Faust wrapped her up in his arms again and squeezed her tight, Faith jostling with sobs.

"I love you. I love you so much," she cried into his chest.

"Yeah, babe. I love you too. I fucking wish you could just come with me. I don't trust this town either. You better not ever walk alone at night anywhere. Even if it's from your dorm to the parking lot. You always walk with someone."

"I will."

"I'm serious, Faith. And don't fucking hang out with Anika and that crowd."

"Why not? I mean, I won't, but... Why?"

Faust pressed his lips together, squeezing his fist. She cocked her head, and he released his frustration in one deep breath. "All those guys will rip you apart. Because of your... Upbringing. Christians just... Fuck. I can't put this nicely."

"Do you really think I still care about my religion? It was something I just did as a kid. I don't really... I don't know. I know what you guys sing about and I don't care."

"It doesn't matter. To some of them, Christians are the enemy and they'll do terrible shit you'd never think of. Please, just fucking promise me you'll make some other friends. Some smart girls. Have like a girl's club thing in your dorm."

"Girl's club?" Faith taunted.

"You know what I mean."

"No smart boy friends?"

Faust went deadpan, then stooped to grab her ass and pull her closer. "Don't make a murderer out of me. If I hear of any guy—"

"Or girl!"

"Or girl... If anyone tries anything with you..."

"You'll go to prison for me. I know. I'll do everything to make sure you don't end up in prison."

"And you better not worry about me and what I'm up to. My life will be nothing but sleeping on the way to shows, sound check, pre-set, set, post-set shower, then beer in the bus."

"I trust you. But will you say goodnight, every night?"

"I'll try."

She hopped up to kiss him again. "Thanks, beetle."

"One more thing before I go," Faust said, stepping toward the car. He circled to the driver's side and ducked in to grab something he'd tucked under the seat while Faith wasn't around. She already had her mouth covered by the time he returned to the sidewalk. "That collar you supposedly had lying around... You gotta get rid of it."

Faith touched her throat as though the leather strap was still there. "How come?"

"Because I got you a better one," he said, handing her the parcel. The box had a weight Faith didn't expect.

She unravelled the black plastic, a lacquered wooden box beneath the makeshift wrapping paper. The collar inside was thin, with a metal buckle and a thick D-ring hosting a thicker chrome loop.

"Faust!"

"My friend made it. It's not some Hot Topic shit. This collar means you belong with me."

"Is this like your version of a promise ring?"

Faust scoffed. "It's not a ring. It's a collar. Hand-forged metal. Leather cut with skill. Not some tiny, overpriced rock. But if you want me to make you a promise, I will."

"Promise me what?"

"That I belong to you, too."

Faith melted, rolling her eyes and leaning into him. "Ugh, oh my gosh, if you keep being so cute I'm not gonna let you leave! First you cried and now you're giving me something you asked your friend to make for me? That's sooo cute!"

"Shut up. Come on, this is serious."

"I know! Which is why it's so cute, because you're a big, tough, serious man, aren't you?"

Faust's indifference broke, and he chuckled with her as she poked him and hung off his arm. He helped her put on the collar, then slipped the box into her backpack.

They settled back into a melancholic silence, neither one of them wanting to start the next round of goodbyes. Faust eventually stepped into the tight hug, proceeded more kissing and a few deep breaths to wane the sorrow.

"I hope you have fun, Faust. You don't have to worry about me. I promise I'll be safe."

"Say goodnight, every night."

"I will."

"All right... Well, I should go."

"Please do, so I can go to my room and cry some more."

Faust pressed his thumb into the corner of his eye. "Fuck, I know."

"I love you, beetle."

"Love you too, babe. I'll talk to you soon as I'm on the road."

Faust let her go and drove away. An immovable lump formed in his throat as he drowned out his inner-mourning with a cacophony of feral guitars, erratic drumbeats and screeching.

[multifandomfic20]

Feelings

It was the start of 6th year the marauders were adjusting back into their routine they have during the school year and James and Sirius obviously make sure there are pranks involved, not that the other two actually mind.

Sirius made note that that that Remus had grown enormously not that he wasn’t already tall now he was just about 6’5 which made Sirius and his 5’4 body look tiny not that Sirius minded it was one of the many reasons he was in love with Remus not that anybody knew because first off Remus is straight and it’s lucky that he even accepts him because of his homophic parents second even if he was gay he would never love Sirius.

James Potter was many things he is a quidditch captain, he is a Gryffindor, he is a son, he is a marauder, a animagus but he is not naive he knows Sirius is in love with Remus but the reason he hasn’t said anything is because he knows Sirius doesn’t want anyone to know.

Remus was feeling different this year he knew obviously he grew a lot and then the full moons which sucked but there was this new feeling he couldn’t place. His parents during the summer had been awful there had been some LGBTD+ activism in the papers all summer and they wouldn’t shut up about about how sinful it was and saying slurs and saying how they should either go to church or go to jail, so it as a long summer but he couldn’t tell Sirius about this because Sirius always shuts down because Sirius thinks he will judge him the same way his parents do so he hasn't told anyone about his summer.

Peter’s family often went over to the Potter’s during summers for dinners. Peter and James’ mom’s have been best friends since Hogwarts so they spent a lot of time together during the summer. Because Peter had known James so long he could tell when something was off about James nobody seemed to remember how good Peter is at reading James but Peter didn’t say anything all summer.

One particular morning the four boys are in their room, Remus is getting his stuff so he can take a shower, Sirius looks like he is zoned out. (Really he’s thinking about how he needs to get over Remus because Remus will never love him) Sirius gets up off his bed and leaves their room.

The other three boys are confused why Sirius left, “that was weird” Remus says James nods “yeah I don’t know what’s gotten into him but he’s been acting weird” James tells Remus “huh that’s weird” Remus says as he walks into the bathroom.

James goes to grab something in his trunk when Peter grabs his arm “why have you been acting weird?” Peter asks “what are you talking about?” James asks pretending he doesn’t know what Peter means and he knows Peter can tell when he lies.

“What am I talking about? I’m talking about the fact that you have been acting off all summer and you are still acting off so don’t even say it’s cause you missed Hogwarts and I let it slide and I didn’t say anything but you are going to tell me now” Peter says.

James sighs “look it’s just the stuff with Sirius and his parents” James tries to lie Peter sees right through the lie “bullshit” Peter says “your right petey” James says using the nickname James used when they were toddlers.

“If you think that will get you out of telling me it won’t” Peter said James huffed he really hoped that would work “fine but you have to make the pj promise that you won’t say anything” James told Peter. Peter laughed thinking about when they were little and coming up with the idea of the pj promise it was the ultimate promise and they thought as kids if you broke you died because you betrayed your friend.

“I pj promise Jamie” Peter told James using the nickname Peter used when they were toddlers “ok so I’m 100% sure Sirius is in love with Remus but I haven’t talked to Sirius about it because you know how he’s afraid that Remus won’t accept him” James explained.

“You know I can’t say I’m surprised” Peter told James and James slapped Peter on the back of the head “now be quiet we don’t want Moony to hear us” James said not knowing that it was too late Remus had heard everything.

“Um again I’m sorry” Sirius says looking at the ground Gideon laughs “look it’s fine but if you don’t mind me asking you’re single right because if you are I would love to take you out on a date” Gideon says and Sirius looks up confused “what?” Sirius asks “I’m asking you out” Gideon says.

Meanwhile Sirius was wandering the corridors trying to figure out a way to get over Remus so far he hasn’t fingered out a way Sirius isn’t watching where he’s going and he ends up running into someone. When he looks he sees a 7th year Gryffindor, Gideon Prewett. Sirius starts stuttering out words “I’m so sorry I wasn’t watching where I was going” Sirius manages to get out.

“Well that’s ok if you not watching where you're going means I get to have to in my arms I think I can manage” Gideon flirts and that’s when Sirius realizes he’s literally in Gideon’s arms, Sirius pulls back and stands up.

“Really? This isn’t just a joke because if it is that is really messed up” Sirius rambles Gideon grabs Sirius’ hand “It’s not a joke I like you and I want to take you out” Gideon tells Sirius “I wanna go out with you too” Sirius tells Gideon “come on I’ll walk you to your dorm” Gideon says and he holds out his hand as a invite for Sirius to grab onto his hand and Sirius takes the opportunity and they head towards the Gryffindor dorms holding hands.

Back in the boys dorms Remus was in the bathroom freaking out Sirius is in love with him and why does that make him happy. Remus is pacing in the bathroom trying to figure out what to do he doesn’t even know how he feels then he decides fuck it he’s gonna talk to the two people who made these feeling happen.

James and Peter are sitting on James’ bed when Remus barges out of the bathroom “this is your fault” Remus says to the two. James and Peter look up confused “Moony what’s wrong?” James asks.

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong is that I just heard you say Sirius is in love with me and I don't know how I feel now thanks to you” Remus rambles James and Peter look at each in worry “Moony do you have any idea how you feel?” Peter asks calmly.

“I know that thinking that Sirius is in love with me makes my heart happy but then I think about my parents” Remus says “Moony don’t worry about your parents this isn’t about them this is about you and Sirius” James says.

“I think I love him too, the way he smiles when he’s happy, the way he complains about hating the library but will always go with me to the library. I love cuddling with him when he’s padfoot and I love him” Remus says as he realizes he loves Sirius.

James and Peter hug Remus “that’s great Moony you have to tell him as soon as he gets back” James tells Remus and Remus smiles not even thinking about his parents. 

Gideon and Sirius are walking through the Gryffindor common room holding hands. Sirius laughs “oh are really gonna walk me all the way to my dorm?” Sirius asks playfully “oh yes I am spending as much time as possible with you especially since I get to hold your hand love” Gideon says.

They make it up to the dorm and Sirius walks in holding hands with Gideon. The other three marauders look up when the door opens thinking this is the moment, they see Sirius walk in and then they see someone else walk in and they all are confused.

“Guys this is my boyfriend Gideon” Sirius tells them.

[dying-suffering-french-stalkers]

wendy’s great big pirates of the caribbean fic rec list

Hello, friends!  I’ve been meaning to make a Pirates fic rec list for years and the day has finally come.  This list is obviously in no way exhaustive and is very much indicative of my personal biases (*cough* lots of Norrington *cough*), but I can heartily recommend every fic that made this list and I hope you all enjoy it.  Making this was a labor of love and I would be thrilled to hear your thoughts on any you choose to read (though you should leave a kind comment for the author first)!

Other notes: I collected the bulk of these years ago, so there are a lot on FFnet and I have tried my best to screen them for various content warnings.  I believe only two fics on this list are explicit and are marked as such.  There is precious little slash on this list since that’s just not what I tended to read at the height of my Pirates phase; my apologies.

Under a cut to spare your dashes from this monster of a post.

“Mutiny on the Dauntless” by Marnie - Governor Swann and Lieutenant Norrington narrowly skirt disaster at the hands of a ruthless captain and dangerous crew on the crossing from England. [19k words. No ships. Warnings: seasickness, battle violence, minor character death, semi-graphic naval discipline.]

THE HONORAT COLLECTION in (hopefully) chronological order.  This author is my uncontested favorite Pirates of the Caribbean fic writer and I’m forever grateful to them.  Here’s to you, @honorat!

“Here’s Luck To You” - A collection of drabbles about Jack and Bootstrap Bill’s friendship, written in late 2005. [6k. Mind any posted warnings.]

“Homecoming” - Author’s summary: The young Captain Norrington has a rare moment alone with his beloved ship.  [1k.  No ships but the sailing kind.  No warnings.]

“Daring Rescue, Daring Escape” - A narration of Elizabeth's rescue following her tumble off the battlement and of Jack's attempted escape afterward.  [7k.  Can be read as Sparrabeth.  No warnings.]

“Worthy of His Steel” - Picks up where DR,DE left off, then flashes back to Will’s apprenticeship with Mr. Brown.  [44k.  Light Willabeth.  Mind any warnings: I remember minor character death, alcoholism, and general angst.]

“A Bargain At Any Price” - Elizabeth reflects on James’ interrupted marriage proposal.  [968 words.  Unrequited Norribeth.  No warnings.]

“Marooned” - A movie novelization of the time Jack and Elizabeth spent on Rumrunner’s Isle.  (If you haven’t seen the deleted scenes from CotBP, they’re now required viewing: Part 1, Part 2.)  [28k.  Can be read as Sparrabeth.  Warnings: alcohol; discussion of past injuries including burns, a brand, and a gunshot; discussion of death, murder, and suicide (latter related only to marooning and not seriously entertained or acted upon); mind any others.]

“Aboard the Dauntless” - Takes place directly after Marooned.  More movie/deleted scene novelization.  [20k.  Can be read as Sparrabeth and/or (unrequited) Norribeth.  Mind any warnings.]

“No Mercy” - Set aboard the Dauntless just after the battle at Isla de Muerta.  Have you ever been unreasonably hecked up by the sailor who rang the bell when he spotted zombie pirates?  I have because I’m Like That but now you can be too!  [1k.  No ships.  Warnings: blood, minor character death, funeral, survivor’s guilt, mention of execution by hanging.]

“For Remembrance” - Elizabeth visits Jack in prison the day before his pending execution.  [2k.  Can be read as Sparrabeth.  Warnings: brief mention of unsanitary prison conditions; death tokens; discussion of death, murder, and execution by hanging.]

“Balance of Justice” - The same night, Norrington struggles with the idea of Jack’s pending execution.  [990 words.  No ships.  Warnings: mentioned minor character death, survivor’s guilt, discussion of execution by hanging.]

“Crossing the Bar” - My all-time favorite PotC fanfic.  After the events of CotBP, Norrington thinks he has Jack cornered, but the pirate has other ideas.  A story of truly literary proportions ensues. [156k.  Canon divergent: written pre-DMC.  Light Jack/Anamaria.  Warnings: battle injuries, period-accurate first aid, minor character death. Other warnings posted in fic.]

“Just Between Us Dying Gods” -  Jack’s POV, takes place on the island of the Pelegostos just prior to Will's arrival.  [1k.  No ships.  Warnings: cannibalism, canon-typical ethnocentrism.]

“Bits of Shine” - A collection of drabbles (in the classic 100-word sense) spanning Pirates 1-3.  [14k.  Assorted canon ships.  Mind any posted warnings.]

“Christmas Reunion” - Author’s description: A Christmas reunion of several beloved characters set post-AWE. Jack's POV. Entirely fluffy.  [2k.  Willabeth.  No warnings.]

SCRUFFINGTON ANGST - Me, aged 15: but sir that’s my emotional support Good-ish Man Brought Low By Hubris (who am I kidding, that hasn’t changed a bit).  As you would expect, general warnings for this section might include minor character death, survivor’s guilt, self-hatred, alcohol abuse, unsanitary conditions, etc.  If you love Tortuga-related angst, this section is for you!  If you don’t go for whump and other unpleasant things, scroll on.

“Seven Deadly Sins: James Norrington” by Edoraslass - Classic drabble format, exactly what it says on the bottle.  Follows James’ DMC arc beginning in Tortuga.  [711 words.  No ships.  See tags on AO3.]

“Three Days” by geekmama - Several scene narrations following James from the pig sty to Isla Cruces.  Smelly bastard man.  [1k.  Several unrequited ships.  Warnings: unsanitary, alcohol abuse.]

“Interregnum: Icarus” by ConcertiGrossi - Follows James all the way from the hurricane to Tortuga, with an epilogue just after delivering the Heart to Beckett.  I dislike headcanons about Norrington ever employing sex workers - it seems very out-of-character to me - but other than that I stand by this fic.  Angst alert.   [16k.  Canon-divergent only if you read Sins of the Father.  Referenced unrequited Norribeth.  Warnings: near-drowning, vomit, mass minor character death, implied (but ultimately untrue) medium character death, funerals, survivor’s guilt, self-hatred, unsanitary, coughing, nightmares, pregnancy mention, parental death, under-eating, alcohol abuse, referenced suicide, suicidal ideation.]

“Birthday Wishes” by YouCantGetThereFromHere - A one-shot AU in which James has a twin brother and they celebrate their thirtieth birthdays, one in England, the other in Tortuga.  [4k.  Referenced OCxOC ship in the first half.  Warnings: alcohol abuse, self-hatred.]

“Eye of the Storm” by Edoraslass - Tortuga barmaid Kate is intrigued by the island’s newest barfly and strikes up a sort of friendship with Norrington until he moves on.  [4k.  No ships.  See tags on AO3.]

“Oil and Wine” by Argyle - Norrington’s descent during his time on Tortuga.  Everything comes with a price and a familiar face dogs his steps.  [500 words.  Norribeth.  See tags on AO3.]

“Absence and Memory” by Meddow - Post-CotBP, Elizabeth reflects on her relationship with Norrington over the years.  [3.7k.  Norribeth.  No warnings.]

“Penance More Will Do” by Meddow - Set directly after the hurricane.  While a wounded James is adrift at sea, he is visited by Hector Barbossa, who gives him a choice on behalf of Calypso.  [5.7k.  No ships.  Warnings: blood, vomit.]

“A Song for the Wretched and the Wrecked” by jadeddiva - Post-CotBP AU in which Will runs off to sea and Elizabeth consents to marry James after all.  They have a lot of growing to do, but it ends well.  [6.5k.  Norribeth.  No warnings.]

“Jack Sparrow’s Black Pearl” by Zath_Chauvert - A filk song in which Elizabeth and Will discuss Jack to the tune of “Tango: Maureen”.  [468 words.  Willabeth, J/W/E if you’re not a coward.  No warnings.]

“Of How a Lieutenant died at Sea” by YouCantGetThereFromHere - Foregoing the ending he's given in OST, Lt. Theodore Groves instead dies in the wreckage of the Endeavour in AWE and briefly greets Will in the afterlife.  [703 words.  No ships.  Warnings: implied major character death.]

THE ERINYA COLLECTION (I forgot that I saved a ton from this author as well!  Not arranged in any particular order.)

“Curiosity” - Elizabeth reflects on her growing feelings for Jack during DMC.  [828 words.  Sparrabeth.  Warnings: alcohol.]

“Sacrifice” - More Sparrabeth UST, Elizabeth’s POV.  [527 words.  Sparrabeth.  No warnings.]

“One Shot” - A collection of PotC drabbles, all written pre-AWE.  [6k.  Various pairings.  Warnings posted in fic.]

“The Game” - Jack and Tia Dalma play cards.  [600 words.  Can be read as Jack/Tia Dalma.  No warnings.]

“Frayed” - Will and Elizabeth, post-DMC, semi-compliant with AWE, but angstier.  I’m afraid this one isn’t very kind to Will but it sets up this author’s character dynamics/reasons for Sparrabeth.  [1k.  Willabeth, implied Sparrabeth.  Warnings: very poor communication.]

“Something Rich and Strange” - A Will/Tia Dalma one-shot, of all things.  A touch of destiny, indeed.  Written pre-AWE based on fan speculation.  [2k.  Canon-divergent.  Will/Tia Dalma, background Sparrabeth.  PG-13.]

“Ocean Heart” - Post-AWE, Elizabeth is visited by Calypso on that lonely beach.  [1k.  Implied Willabeth.  No warnings.]

“The Pirate’s Progress” - Post-DMC, Jack takes a jaunt through the afterlife, featuring all sorts of fun mythology/folklore.  [10k.  I’m gonna be real with y’all, I don’t remember if there’s anything shippy or triggery but I don’t think so?  Implied major character death I guess but he got better]

“Worlds Enough, And Time” - Futuristic AU in which Jack and Elizabeth both partook of the Fountain of Youth.  Our beloved pirates...IN SPAAAAACE.  Angst with a happier ending.  [3k.  Sparrabeth, implied Willabeth.  Canon-divergent in multiple ways.  Warnings: alcohol, discussions of death, suicidal ideation, referenced minor character death.]

“Janus and the Prodigal” - A conversation between Jack and Teague, a few years post-AWE.  [1k.  Can be read as Sparrabeth.  No warnings.]

“At Peace” by Rising Waters - Author’s summary: Elizabeth has been faithful for the allotted ten years, so Will is free of the Dutchman—but he is still plagued by thoughts of a man whose death he feels responsible for: James Norrington.  [1k.  Willabeth, unrequited Norribeth.  Warnings: referenced character death.]

“Second Chances” by geekmama - AU in which James was only wounded by Bootstrap, not killed, and Will drops him off at Shipwreck Cove to be with Jack and Elizabeth for the next ten years.  Fluff all around.  [1k.  Willabeth, can be read as Sparrington if you’re not a coward.  No warnings.]

“For Honour A Heart’s Demise” by Meddow - Another AU in which James is only wounded aboard the Flying Dutchman, only this time he gets to partake in the rest of AWE and becomes captain of the Dutchman instead of Will.  A goddess is defied and everything makes sense.  [10k.  Willabeth, unrequited Norribeth.  Warnings: brief suicidal ideation, survivor’s guilt, grievous bodily harm, major character death (but he gets better).]

“Between Wind and Water” by rexluscus - Author’s description: “England and Spain are at war, and Norrington needs a quick solution to the Jack Sparrow problem. Meanwhile, Jack discovers that the Caribbean he once knew is gone. The deal they make could solve both their troubles, or it might be the worst mistake of their lives.  This story is AU after the first film (sequels never happened). It's an experiment in dropping POTC characters into an actual historical event: the Battle of Cartagena de Indias in 1741.”  [90.3k.  Sparrington.  See tags on AO3.]

“betwixt the devil and the deep sea” by notbecauseofvictories - A character study of Jack Sparrow in an AU with angels and demons.  [2k.  No ships.  See tags on AO3.]

“coda” by notbecauseofvictories - Elizabeth during her time as the Pirate King.  [1k.  Willabeth, Sparrabeth.  See tags on AO3.]

FICS I HAVE NOT YET FINISHED but would nevertheless like to recommend:

The “Rash Actions” series by @blanketed-in-stars​ - I’ve been meaning to finish this for 7000 years but I thoroughly enjoyed the early chapters!  Nicole is a wonderful writer and is doing the Lord’s work in writing quality Turrington content.  [147k.  James/Will.  See tags on AO3.]

“In Service to the King” by sleepylotus/@apirateslifeforme123​ - An AU in which Elizabeth finds James in Tortuga after she becomes the Pirate King.  I loved the first few chapters!  [31.7k.  Norribeth, Sparrabeth.  Explicit.  WIP.  See tags on AO3.]

OTHER LINKS SINCE I HAVE YOU HERE

Curse of the Black Pearl early screenplay (first draft)

Dead Man’s Chest screenplay (final production draft)

At World’s End early screenplay (leaked draft)

Deleted scenes: (CotBP above in Marooned) DMC, AWE

[judgmentofcorruption]

Episode 10–The Court Ends; Scene 8

Judgment of Corruption, pages 316-322

--At some point, the mansion had started to burn.

The militia had set fire to it in revenge for their friends burning from those inexplicable flames.

Gallerian took the doll back with him to the study.

There was nowhere left to run.

Whether he jumped outside or remained in here, he didn’t have much longer to live.

“Michelle, I’m—I’m so sorry you got caught up in this,” Gallerian said to the doll.

“—It’s alright. At least I’m with you, Papa.”

Now that he had lost his contract with Adam, Gallerian couldn’t hear that doll’s reply.

Even so, he continued to speak to her. “Still. I am a little bit glad. …As long as I can be here with you, I don’t even fear death.”

“I feel the same, Papa.”

“I wonder, if I had been able to restore you—or if you had been able to grow up without being caught up in that incident--what would you have become…”

“I would have become a judge like you, Papa! And I would have married someone I liked—and had a child.”

“Even if I die now and fall to hell—It won’t be an issue. I have plenty of money. And ‘money is the best lawyer in hell’. And if I have money, I can collect the ‘Vessels of Deadly Sin’, even down there. When I do, I will come to get you. As long as we’re together—No matter where we are, it will be a Utopia, I know it.”

“Yeah!”

As for what would happen to Gallerian after his death—depending on the “Master of the Hellish Yard’s” judgment, he may very well go to hell just as he said.

To contract with a Vessel of Deadly Sin was a grave crime. Even if what was inside of it wasn’t a demon.

And he had committed many other sins besides. He had sacrificed a great many people for the sake of his own happiness, so I was certain that would not be forgiven.

Even if those deeds were done out of one’s own purity, that was still, in the end—greed, Gallerian.

.

There were reasons why Elluka—or rather, Ma, birthed Gallerian.

One of them was so that he would collect the Vessels of Deadly Sin by making him contract with Adam.

But that was ultimately just a bonus to her.

It was something she could have done even without Gallerian.

She simply wished to become pure.

Perhaps to Ma, Gallerian was nothing more than a process by which she could do so.

Ma. Her nickname. There were several meanings to that word.

Sorceress, Mem Aleph (meaning water and beginning), and—mother.

.

The flames steadily began to enclose the house.

Eventually—from this burned out mansion they would find.

The corpse of a solitary “parent”.

.

If I stick around, even I’ll get caught up in the flames.

I’m just a normal bat, so I don’t do well against fire.

I’ve “observed” Gallerian’s life up until now—but that ends today.

I once more set out to fly up to the moon—

“Wait a second.”

.

Gallerian called out to someone.

It wasn’t to the doll. It was to someone else—

.

Yes…he was talking to me.

.

Gallerian’s hand swiftly shot out.

And before I had a chance to flee—he had seized me fast.

“I want to talk to you in the end, before I die,” he said with a grin.

Ridiculous.

There’s no way…that Gallerian could have noticed me.

No one noticed me.

Even if they did, they were supposed to think of me as merely a normal bat.

That—was one of the Rules of the world.

“You’ve always been flying around me. I don’t know when you started—maybe you’ve always been there, from the moment I was born. Weirdly enough, no one outside of me ever seems to notice you there. So eventually I just resolved not to pay you any mind.”

…But if the “Rules of the world” were breaking down?

In other words, these bizarre changes in the world—their manifestation was something brought on by the breakdown of the Rules.

So it wasn’t out of the question for a forest to rapidly dry up, and there was no helping a tiger being born to a human family. Maybe there was even a pattern of humans being born to snakes. Dead soldiers ran amok without any connection to the Demon of Gluttony, nights would be abnormally short or unusually long—

So—

.

There was nothing strange at all about a human appearing who could converse with a “god”

.

“—Yes. I have been observing you this whole time,” I replied honestly.

He seemed able to hear what I was saying.

This wasn’t Adam’s power. That contract had already been severed.

“There are countless people in the world. Why did you choose me?”

“Because you were Elluka’s son. She had impurities mixed up into her will. Including a fragment of the consciousness of a ‘god’ that’s a colleague of mine. That’s why I was interested in you.”

“I see. Then that would mean that you yourself are a ‘god’, or something like it.”

“You’re accepting this quite readily.”

“It’s a bit late to wonder at that now. Until this point I’ve been fairly involved with demons like ‘Adam’ and other strange beings. Even Ma—That’s right, while you’re here there is something I’d like you to tell me.”

“No. I can’t get involved with humans. So I can’t answer any questions outside of the ones that pertain to me.”

And yet, Gallerian asked anyway. “What’s this secret Adam mentioned, the one Ma and Bruno hid from me? Surely you must know, don’t you?”

“…I can’t. It’s a Rule.”

“I’m dying soon. Surely my hearing it won’t have any impact on the world this late in the game?”

“…You would gain nothing from hearing it; it would be meaningless to you.”

“Then isn’t that all the more justification for it? If it won’t mean anything, then there’s no reason not to tell me.”

“…”

Perhaps I had spent a little too long observing him.

Or, perhaps I simply couldn’t deny that I may have had something close to this “compassion” that humans had, when it came to Gallerian.

Well, alright…

.

I granted him one piece of knowledge.

.

“…”

Gallerian was dumbstruck.

“Didn’t I tell you? It gains you nothing.”

Once I realized that the strength had left his hand, I slipped out of his grip and flew away.

.

Then I made it out the window and headed for the distant sky.

--Midway there I looked down to the ground, and spied a figure about to head into the burning mansion.

.

And on seeing that, I deeply regretted having shared that information with him.

<<prev------directory------next>>

[first-son-of-finwe]

So this is my “leaving the fold” essay, which I mentioned some time ago. I wrote this mostly for myself because writing things down always helps me make sense of them, but quite a few people expressed interest in it, so here it is. 

I was raised as quite a strict Orthodox Christian, and the religion is a huge part of my mum’s life. This is mostly my experience of its ideas and processes, and how and why I ultimately decided to leave. It’s a bit rambling, all over the place and very long, but I kinda wanted to post it somewhere, so 🤷

TW for mentions of abortion, alcoholism and general conflict.

When I was twelve or thirteen, my parents and I set off on one of our regular trips to Russia. We used to do this every year before time and money became restricted, and one of our compulsory stops was always a large, sprawling monastery on the outskirts of the city of Nizhny Novgorod.

It’s a place of smiling nuns but very strict rules, where God forms a part of every sentence and church is mandatory for both mornings and evenings. It’s a place of communal meals, harvesting vegetables and milking cows, ringing bells, and lots and lots of praying. For me, it was a taste of pure rural life. I loved running through the fields, swimming in the pond and helping out with the manual tasks of running a communal settlement. I gasped in delight when I saw the lone horse in the field. Deep down I was never meant to be a city kid, and being at the monastery fuelled my dream of living the simple life.

But the fact that we were there purely for religious reasons? That was only an afterthought. An obligatory thing I had to go along with, because the adults expected it. Perhaps I tried to feel the same spirituality they seemed to experience, but I never quite got there.

I put on the headscarf, held the candle, wrote the names of my loved ones on prayer notes for the living. I bowed to the icons, made the sign of the cross when everyone else did. But I never truly connected.

One year on the day of a particularly significant celebration, a huge icon was carried over a horde of kneeling worshippers, and my mum told me to kneel down and pray for my dad to recover from his alcoholism. And so I did.

This is something I’d been praying for for a long time. It’s something I was told to pray for at every holy site, and before every relic. And no, he’s never quit drinking.

But I already knew that he wouldn’t, even as I knelt, closed my eyes and begged whichever saint was on that icon to help my dad quit drinking. I simply knew that it didn’t work that way.

I knew it the same way I knew that Santa wasn’t real. Every child seems to have experienced a shock-horror moment upon learning that they’d been deceived, but I recognised him for what he was right from the start - a story. For someone who’s always thrown themselves wholeheartedly into stories and fantasy, I’ve always had a very clear distinction between fact and fiction - though I’ve also not been so close-minded as to think that there isn’t a grey area in between.

No matter how hard I tried to convince myself, I don’t think I ever truly believed in their version of what was supposed to be happening.

But I think my moving away from Orthodoxy truly began the day I heard my mum on the phone to her friend, who was at the beginning of a difficult pregnancy and was considering an abortion. She and her husband were on different pages with regards to this, though I don’t quite remember who wanted what. My mother’s advice was this: “Well you should really listen to your husband, because you know that a husband’s word is God’s word.”

Even being the believer that I was then, my immediate reaction was complete shock, followed by a thought process that went something like “Are you joking?? SERIOUSLY?”

And of course, it was hard not to think of my own father in his worst moments of drunkenness. So it seems “God’s word” is actually a whole lot of slurred, barely comprehensible nonsense occasionally sprinkled with some insults. That’s really the logic we’re going with here? And beyond that, how can you hand such a deeply personal decision to someone else??

When I went away to university for three years and spent considerable chunks of time away from my mother’s influence, my skepticism only deepened with every day. I couldn’t reconcile the science-driven environment I saw around me with the ideas being propounded in church. Sincerely believing in the Adam and Eve story, in this day and age? It didn’t compute.

Having said that, I would certainly not call myself an atheist even now. I think it is just as presumptuous to assume your absolute knowledge of the infinite universe and declare it contains nothing, as it is to declare that your religion is the only correct one. I find many things about the Christian God to be extremely convenient (just so happens to be an old white bearded man, oh fancy that), but I am certainly not convinced that there are no intelligent forces in the world, whatever shape they take. We are simply not in a position to know these things, and I’m okay with that. 

In turn, I treat anyone who claims to know them with intense suspicion.

Ultimately, leaving Orthodox Christianity was a long and painful process (I say ‘was’ in the past tense, but the truth is that it is still ongoing) filled with guilt, second-guessing, deliberate habit breaking and an extremely distressed and persistent mother. But my reasons for it boil down to four key things.

Their ideas did not match my ideas. I will never believe that women are obliged to be submissive to men. I will never believe that being gay (or in any way not straight) is a sin. I will never believe that Eastern Orthodoxy is the one true faith among all the other hundreds and thousands of faiths that exist on this planet. Living with your partner without being married is not a sin. Eating some chicken on a lent day is not a sin. A woman on her period is not “unclean.” Their ideas of good and bad, right and wrong seemed so incredibly outdated and arbitrary that it became hard to take anything they said seriously. And I felt so uncomfortable standing there, surrounded by people who I knew believed in all of this wholeheartedly.

Despite the religion branding itself as ‘Christian’, I don’t think I’ve ever heard any of the priests or worshippers talk about helping others. It is not on the agenda. People walk into church and think that because they’ve said their prayers, abstained from meat and dairy and then said their prayers some more, they’re now good people. But what have they done to make anyone’s life better? Who have they helped? Who have they listened to, cared for, understood? It’s not about that. It’s about making yourself feel good because you recited the Lord’s Prayer before eating your lunch.

The process of participating is extremely rigid, and trying to remember all those rules and traditions is honestly just stressful. Which hand do I kiss? How many times do I have to make the sign of the cross before approaching that super special icon? Do I have to touch the floor, or is that optional? Oh, everyone is kneeling...I guess I should kneel too. Once, I accidentally addressed the Archbishop as ‘Father’ and got a slew of disapproving looks from everyone around me. I think perhaps people find a certain kind of comfort and stability in routine, but having one imposed on you when you’re constantly unsure of the rules is not a pleasant experience.

Sometimes there is a very thin line between a religion and a cult, and Orthodoxy is toeing it a little too closely for comfort. I’ve seen it overpower people’s rational thinking and tap into their most powerful emotions in a way that’s honestly quite frightening.

The first step to leaving was progressively going to church less and less. I’d only ever really gone because my mum demanded it, but now, I put up a bit more resistance. I got screamed and yelled and cried at, and at first, of course I gave in. But little by little, I began to get the message across that I was simply not interested anymore.

Then, I deliberately made the choice to break certain habits. We always faced a row of icons on the wall and made a sign of the cross before leaving the house, and coming back in. It was such an ingrained habit that I did it automatically, and for the first few months, I had to physically catch myself in order to stop. That came with its own sense of guilt and hesitancy, and with the feeling that hey, now God is mad at you - hope a brick doesn’t fall on your head when you’re out there without his blessing.

The next step was removing the cross I’d worn around my neck ever since I’d been christened as a baby. Even now I can’t not wear something around my neck, so I have a little key necklace there in its place. Having a bare neck just looks too weird to me.

That cross came off and went back on at least three times. Each time I’d be persuaded, guilted, given the simple but effective phrase of “just do it for me.” I’ve removed it for what I hope will be the last time, and “just do it for me” won’t cut it anymore. If I converted to Islam tomorrow, would it be okay for me to ask someone to wear a hijab “for me”, even though they don’t share my faith? No, it wouldn’t. Religion and expression of religion is a personal choice, and not something you can strong-arm your adult children into.

Now, I’m in a fairly comfortable place where I’ve shed most of that initial guilt and am happy with my choices. I’ve even been back into church a couple of times just to meet a family member, only catching the end of the service - and even then, I’ve been reminded of exactly why I left. My mindset is simply too far removed to find any spiritual value in Orthodoxy.

Does my mother still try to get me into church? Yes. Are the attempts extremely mild and infrequent, compared to what they used to be? Yes. On one hand, I’d like to have a deep conversation with her and explain all the reasons why I have no interest in the religion anymore, but on the other hand, I know it’ll likely make her extremely upset.

Perhaps it’s better to just let it be.

[cullxtheherd]

Dirty headcannon game: J, A, C, O, B for Jacob

thank u for this ask anon - it gets a little rambly but in my defense i haven’t had coffee or sleep so ksjndksf we maaake doooo with what we haaave hebjhdfrdesfkjn

Dirty A-Z headcanon game!

J - Jelly (what kind of lube are they using? is it flavored? have they tasted it? do they prefer to use something other than real lube during sex?)

anon i think, personally, that if Jacob Seed has access to any kind of personal lubricant it’ll come in a sour flavor- green/apple, lemon, etc. i just don’t see him as a sweets type of person? maybe you feel differently idk. but to be honest with you i doubt lube is in massive stock or quantity at saint francis. and without being... Too Dark™: i’m pretty sure if Jacob Seed is making use of any form of lubricant (even spit) he likely has some type of feeling for his partner- other than convenience, that is.

A - Alone time (how do they get off when they’re all by themselves? do they watch porn, is it all in their imagination, do they jerk off, do they use toys?)

hoo babey i think Jake is definitely a guy that masturbates, but i think he is the type of guy that has that?? ingrained Religious Guilt™ about it. which lanskjndjkfns it’s funny to me because he has zero to little guilt at all about anything else he does i just think that?? based on my own interpretation of his childhood: he likely spent whatever years that weren’t clouded by abuse and addiction on his parents part, under the thumb of the Bible. i have theorized in his timeline [x] that the Seeds were likely Baptists due to the majority Religion in Rome, Georgia at the time of Jacob’s birth. i personally headcanon that his father was likely a Preacher before being overcome with alcoholism and after i believe he was likely a bible salesman who dragged his eldest son along. i believe that being ruled by a heavily religious iron fist, especially with strict doctrines about repentance and sinning??? y e a h. i think if he is rubbing one out it’s probably a quick, base needs experience: no toys, etc and probably followed by feeling Super Wrong About It Because God (even though he doubts the fuckers existence at all®). anyone who is catholic can confirm ksjndkjnfdjdnf

C - Crying (is it a turn on? a turn off? do they cry during sex? have they cried during sex? what was the reason?)

oof that is a grim thought to be honest and?? i doubt Jacob Seed cries during or has in the past cried during sex. now i’m not sure on the turn on/turn off situation because honestly i think it depends on the circumstances. i could certainly see during an unhinged and violent episode it being a turn on (in the sense that it is something incensing to an attacker, generally), but!! i just don’t write him as meanly in the bedroom as most people do, so: in a sane mind state no i really do not think it is a turn on for him. i think although he was raised roughly and rudely that ultimately he was/is a Southern Boy; as in: he loves his Mama despite her massive faults, he holds doors open for women (these days mostly in the PEG unless out of town), he is sweet on his sweetheart, he knows the lyrics to every Elvis song and Southern Nights by Glenn Campbell, he eats peaches (no not Staci, yes sExUaLlY), he likes his grits tacky not RUNNY, he haS A STNRNFSDJ SOUTHERN ACCENT???!?!?!?! UBISOFT HELLOOO??

you know what im done with this question my friend :)

O - Outdoor sex (have they ever done it in public? would they? where?)

yes very much yes. i think any sex that jacob seed is having these days is likely a spur of the moment act of convenience and is probably subject to back alley bangin’ more than he would ever admit. the game and the devs have told us a lot that the boys don’t really follow their own core doctrines and since Jake tells us plainly that he’s not so sure about God?? i’m certain he abuses his power as Herald to bend the rules for himself and often. but same applies here i think he likely suffers a big heap of Religious Guilt afterwards, even despite his doubt in religion and faith.

B - Bondage (do they like it? do they not? do they prefer to be the one being tied or the one doing the tying?)

ebhjgdfdfjdgk okay so if you go to the several places (grandview, surrounding cabins, etc) where Jacob “trains” people you will find that most, if not all, of the beds/couches/etc have leg and/or ankle cuffs affixed to them and some even have a chain and leash bolted into the floor. i think Jake is big time into control in all aspects of his life, especially the bedroom. i do think that the confinements in the training rooms are more used as a system of degradation, though and not solely nsfw purposes. i have said in the past that in my interpretation this man absolutely hates being nude in any form in front of others due to his extensive scarring/rashes and i just don’t think his object is to absolutely rail the shit out of the poor souls coming through his doors- although, don’t get me wrong i’m sure on occasion it happens, but also skjkdfj let’s not forget that when Jake has left his men/soldiers to do things in the past (THE COOK IM LOOKING AT YOU) they often go? over the edge and get way out of control  aND honestly if you haven’t read the notes where the cook is: they say jake needs more bodies/soldiers but that the cook decides to burn these sinners anyways; it’s a direct avoidance of orders- this likely happens all over the whitetails and it is likely something Jacob doesn’t take kindly to. why? well when you’ve trained your flock on a cocktail of abuse and torture you don’t exactly instill absolute trust in your soldiers- some will, eventually, disobey and i’m sure with a bunch of half crazed, militarized guards around....sexual assault is going to happen, unfortunately. i do think that if there is some kind of? consensual/sexual relationship going on that restraints can and likely will be a part of the bedroom - maybe not always because Jacob strikes me as the kind of guy that prefers to? work with his hands. annnddd now for the part we aren’t ready for: i think if Jake really trusts his partner that he will allow himself to be bound in certain ways (he’s going to need a quick way out of any PTSD inducing scenes for everyone’s safety). just imagine this man has his partner in the cowgirl position and he says:

“𝑷𝒖𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒔 𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 𝒎𝒚 𝒏𝒆𝒄𝒌 .”

bye im leaving 

[dukeofriven]

Good In The World

I meant what I said with that extended LOTR quote being what the Epilogues are about - about there being good in the world, and it being worth fighting for. Given that I’ve been up to my neck reading Hussie commentary lately I feel like I’ve gotten a pretty strong grasp on what makes him tick - and who boy does this guy love stories about friendship, teamwork, and love, loves them so much he sometimes sounds like Téa Gardner about to lay down a friendship speech on Yu-Gi-Oh. So - while noting that the extent to which the epilogues are and are not Hussie’s work are even more muddled that usual in regards Homestuck - the take-away is this: everything went wrong, in both Meat and Candy, because everyone forgot that - that friendship, teamwork, and love is the only reason any of them survived. The Sburb survivors came to Earth-C as literal gods, beings of inordinate celebrity and power, and then didn’t work as hard as they should have to still be friends and family. We point to John as some kind of recluse but it quickly becomes clear that everyone stopped working at staying together. Karkat and Dave are as much shut-ins as John, stewing together in their own incapacity. Katkat’s self-loathing, so often a hilarious joke in Homestuck is - free of the immediate pressures of Sburb - shown to be intensely debilitating. It undermines him repeatedly in Meat, and requires incipit genocide in Candy to be set aside, costing him everything that mattered on a personal level. Dave made the mistake of many in his position before him, leaning too much on the first epiphany about trauma and not taking the care to continue down the path to further healing and reconciliation with the past. It leaves him desperately reaching for intimacies he too scared of to actually experience. Coupled with an abused kid’s terror of perpetuating harm he lies to Karkat and Jade both time and time again to try and save their feelings. Jade, so utterly fucked up by years of isolation and loneliness, and so endearingly, crushingly full of love makes all the wrong decisions in trying to build a triad (that is - the triad could have worked, but she went about it all wrong) and makes two separate instantiations of Dave and Karkat miserable. Rose and Kanaya have no malice in their actions, but they do what married people always do: pull away from everyone else, and focus on themselves and their new lives. Harmless, normally - or, at least, not seriously harmful - but those lives took them underground and away from everyone else, The two most insightful and level-headed members of the party simply weren’t around when everyone needed them most. Unaware how bad things were getting they missed so many of the warning sides that would have clued them in earlier that everyone was going off the rails - and being as isolated as she was in Meat this left Rose vulnerable to the manipulation most likely to succeed: just like with Doc Scratch she was preyed upon by someone who could flatter her sense of grievance, knowledge, and uniqueness. Terezi wouldn’t have stood by and let things go to shit - but she was doomed the moment she tied her heart to ego personified, and so was absent too.  As for the Alphas, well - their problems were never resolved in the first place, their 'conflict arcs’ interrupted by the arrival of the betas. Only Roxy, element of void, utterly self-contained, a refugee from a dead reality, walked onto Earth-C able to withstand the horror that awaited them: celebrity. Skaia is benevolent, but it is not wise: Sburb seems to have a cherub’s worldview, full of bright colours and heightened stories, but not much maturity. When the victors of Sburb escaped to Earth-C the last thing they needed was celebrity, praise, and positions of note. The issues are all laid out in the prologue: John retired before he ever started working, every one of them richer than any mortal could conceive of. These kids didn’t need parades, they needed to go school. Jane didn’t need honorary degrees from every business school on the planet, Jake didn’t need a TV show centred entirely around his ass: what everyone needed was to be aggressively ordinary. Mundane and unregarded. They needed to put everyone in a group home with four on-staff counselors and take a chunk of years doing nothing but heal. Because everyone was damaged. Other than Calliope - a special case - everybody walked out of Sburb having witnessed at least one apocalypse. Put aside any of the individual traumas and deaths and abuses and sins and just focus on that alone: the death of entire worlds and the burden of saving seven sentient species. Rather than the ultimate Reward being a sit-down with kindly professionals who could help a bunch of kids cope with that, these literal children entered a new world and built new lives on a foundation of dust. The beta kids never finished seventh grade. Jane Crocker never finished high school. Jade Harley, Jake English, Roxy Lalonde, and Dirk Strider never went to school at all. Not one of those four had ever been around more than four humans in their lives until the day they won the game. They couldn’t have. Jade and Jake grew up alone on islands. Roxy and Dirk grew up in the apocalypse. Dirk grew up in a literal box. As Cascade hit Dave and John were the only living humans Jade had ever met who wasn’t her grandpa: and she spent three years alone on a ship with only the Nannasprites and consorts for company. (And Jaspers to chase.) For those four especially, think about they went through within 24-hours: BAM here’s a group of people including your alt-relatives and literal aliens BAM here’s a crazy fucking battle against technicolour chess people, killer dogs, and fish queens BAM here’s a pristine new-ish world better BAM produce thousands of species to populate a new world /TABLE SCRATCH/ Welcome to Earth-C in the year 5000 Celebrity Gods. Here’s your debit cards full of riches. Seriously - this all happens in about a day. And yet people are shocked that things didn’t work out? They were sixteen years old. Four of them had no formal education of any kind, nor had ever been around enough to people to form a softball team. And that’s not even starting on the trolls, who had multiple culture-shocks and traumas of their own the sort through. And yet people are shocked that things didn’t work out? There is, absolutely, a way all of this could have been addressed and become a happy ending. If you don’t like the Epilogues because you’re just sick and fucking tired of tragedy stories - boy do I feel you. Man, don’t get me started on shit like Westword we will be here all week. If you just wanted there to be a fucking happy ending because god-damnit people deserve to be happy - I feel that too. Had that been what we got I can’t say that I’d have been displeased. But if you’re angry because what happened in the Epilogues seems “unreasonable”  all I can do is wave my arms at all the shit everybody went through and ask you why going from that to retired celebrity godhood was good for anyone. What happened on Earth-C was nobody’s fault - not even Dirk’s. Of course he lost it. Of course he took his godhood to its logical conclusions - what possible grounding in real human beings had he ever seriously had, and what in his life was there to make him see people as people? Dude grew up alone in a box with SBAHJ and rapping robots for company - the only voice in his head his own, magnified in the echo chamber of ego and his own blindness to his inadequacies.  Why wouldn’t Jane cling to status quo of her dead world? Really, what did Sburb ever bring her but heartbreak, an excessively baroque Bad Relationship Simulator that took away her home and her position as a corporate heiress for a six month romp through a bunch of dead planets and inter-friend squabbling (We don’t talk about how fucking boring the alpha session was: nothing but undead and emptiness.) She reaches a new world, gets told how smart she is, gets a bunch of degrees - but as Dave himself notes, when you’re rich as can be and have everyone on the planet lining up to do business with you, it’s pretty easy to think you’re actually skilled at running things, especially if YOU STOPPED YOUR EDUCATION AT SIXTEEN AND GOT TOLD THAT YOUR SIXTEEN YEAR OLD SELF WAS THE APEX OF YOUR BEING. Take a moment to remember yourself at sixteen. Try to put sixteen year old you in charge of something meaningfully important - like, mmh, let’s say a regional bank. Uh - oh. Oh dear. Oh it’s on fire, is it? And the fire is spreading? Yeah, that’ll happen. [One glaring issue I’ll note in these epilogues is that nobody knows what the fuck to do about Dad Crocker, so they do... nothing, until Candy reminds you he exists in order to kill him to motivate Jane to do something she probably could have been easily prompted to do anyways by another means. I guess Dad Crocker just... happily let Jane not finish school or exert any kind of parental control at all after that point? On her or anybody else? You want to talk about OOC: what the fuck happened with Dad Crocker, of whom I expected better? And where did Tavrosprite and the Nannasprites go?] My point in all this is that Homestuck is a story about how important love, teamwork, and friendship is, and after the Earth-C victory everybody got lost. Everybody reacted to being Celebrity Gods in their own way, and it created little cracks that widened over time, and when everyone should have been coming closer together - group therapy sessions, even - they got further and farther apart. These emotionally-stunted mentally-teenaged kids with buckets of trauma, the power of gods, and the celebrity to match broke. One by one. All in their own unique ways. The Epilogues are in some sense a musing on the absurdity of adulthood - how its mantel is placed upon you regardless of whether you are ready or not, for reasons as arbitrary as ‘turning a certain age’ or ‘winning a video game.’ In some cases it takes our heroes DECADES of life before adulthood - before real maturity - begins to make something of an appearance, and even then it’s a crapshoot. Love, friendship, and teamwork are what matter in Homestuck: in the epilogues it takes years of monumentally boneheaded decisions for our heroes to remember this, and some of them never do.

Is there still a happy ending at the end of Homestuck? One that lies ahead? I think so. Hussies loves his characters dearly - and yes, he does. Of course he does. He didn’t spend ten years of his life telling the story of one dimensional Brechtian Archetypes to make some otiose point about the nature of narrative: if he had none of you would be feeling as you are now.  The difference between you and Andrew Hussie is that you see his characters like family: you leap to their defence whenever they are hurt, and when they are cut you bleed: “How?” you ask, “Could anyone be so cruel to do this thing?” But Hussie sees his characters as characters, in a story of which he is author, and in which pain and hurt and tragedy can be the vehicles through which good stories can be told: that the light is made all the brighter because of the quantity and quality of darkness that was banished. Candy and Meat are the story of a boy who can only destroy love because he thinks he understands it, and lashes-out when things don’t go as planned. Dirk is just as much the villain in Candy as in Meat, as Calliope makes very clear: the Candyverse is in some sense defined, or at least made more distinct, by his absence. He is a tragic figure on the macro scale - if only he and all the walking wounded of Sburb had been given help when they needed it - but his death in Candy is not a tragedy of ‘what ifs,’ it’s an act of petulance and cruelty by a kid who’ll take his ball and go home if he’s not allowed to play the winning game. His death destabilizes the Candyverse far more than John’s choice to stay, its just that its corrosive effects take longer to be obvious - and the gears he’d already set in motion didn’t cease to turn, though they may have slowed. Dirk destroys love, his effect on both timelines is to push people apart because division suits him, and to push his own view of what ‘love’ is on people who experience it far more expansively than he could ever imagine. He’s a sad little boy who grew up in alone in a box and entered a world that told him he was a literal god with the powers to match - by the end of Meat it’s clear that love, friendship, and teamwork mean nothing to him, only the perfect order of his own fevered imagination. What will bring him down in the end is the reclamation of that feeling at the end of Act 7 - the joy of victory, of having worked together, of the love of family both found and familial, and of the realization that they were none of them better apart. And then some therapists. Some actual therapists. For a good long time. (Also I hope that they find Doc Scratch and beat his sorry ass from here to eternity because that smug fuck has his puppety fingertips all over this thing, and if Dirk really is merging with his ultimate self that includes (as @geekycalligrapher noted) aspects that wound up in Lord English, including a not insignificant portion of one Doctor Vanilla Milkshake, Esq.) (Edit: I did, in fact, do a few edits when I noticed the opening sentences were missing things like ‘the subject.’)

[stormguard798]

Jonnor: the storyline, the ending and my personal thoughts- a barely coherent rant.

To be frank, I heard about Lena and Stef Adams-Foster and Jonnor far before I even started watching the show. They had been touted as someone of the most influential lesbian and gay characters on television period, and eventually, I needed to see why for myself.

I could spend a whole other post espousing on what the creators did right with Stef and Lena, but that’s not what I’m here for. For most of Season 1, we’re introduced to Jude and Connor as friends, and honestly, we don’t get much of an inkling that they might end up being anything more than that until the very last episode. (Whilst I deem the Ouija board the cutest moment between the two of them - and yes, I believe that Connor did intentionally move that marker thing so that Jude would have closure with regards to his adoption - it felt like more of a friendship thing than anything else.)

And in Season 2, the awkward tension between the two on the ‘are we more than friends’ side of things, and while the whole parent forbidding it and literal instant teenage rebellion is pretty cut and dry, I feel the tension ended up being quite palpable and engaging, despite there not being very much of it. And I must say, I truly loved the last 2 episodes in handling both Jude and Connor’s coming out and getting together. (And let’s be perfectly blunt here, up until this point at least, Jude’s game is WAY stronger than everyone else’s.

But as we hit Season 3, I feel just a little bit disappointed - it’s as if the entirety of the honeymoon phase of the relationship happened completely off-camera. Whilst Jude’s entire turmoil with labels raises an important issue concerning the whole LGBTQIA+ community in general, I don’t feel like there was much showcasing of the relationship as a whole. (Side note here: please don’t ever out someone on their behalf. In my mind, that’s like Cardinal Sin No. 1) In a season filled with all the Callie/Brendan drama, the Mat and Mariana nonsense, and honestly whatever the hell Jesus is doing, is it too much to showcase a functioning relationship for once? It feels like the creators spent so long setting up for this relationship, only to show so little of it.

And now the breakup. Oh boy. I’ve never been in a relationship myself, but you’d think that after they’ve reached the ‘I love you’ stage in the relationship (which, given what they’ve already been through together, with Connor shoving Jude away and getting shot, is not that far-fetched to think about), they’d at least try a little…harder? I guess maybe with the sext Jude realises that he doesn’t actually view Connor in that way, or that he doesn’t want to think about things like that at this point, I’m not entirely sure. Either way, I don’t think that the 2 would be stubborn enough to not at least talk about how to make each other feel comfortable.

Or maybe they are: after all they did spend more than a year playing the blame game, avoiding each other instead of talking about they feel. Entirely to stereotype here: is this just a guy thing? Who the heck knows. Anyway, Jude feels sad that Connor doesn’t come down to San Diego to visit (weird that, it’s like he’s trying to avoid his sort-of homophobic, not accepting dad that he moved to get away from in the first place. Oh wait.) nor does he understand why Connor is immersing himself in all these activities in school (it sounds like he’s trying to ‘lay down some roots’ as Principal Sanchez said back in S1 and fit in within a completely new school as an out gay kid. Oh wait.). And Connor, the sweet, sweet child that he is, does nothing to defend himself or try and work things out. Just like that, a relationship that has been developing that had been developing for multiple season is broken up with the fanfare and drama of a dying mosquito.

Disclaimer here: I’ve stopped watching after the S3 finale at least for now based on just how upset I am with how the entire Jonnor relationship was handled as a whole. Maybe I should give a little more leeway to both Jude and Connor, for whom this is their first relationship, but considering how close they were, I’d expect them to try to at least fight for their friendship, if not their relationship. (Again, the sad lonely person in me has no idea if being friends with an ex makes any sense, but as Jude rightly pointed out, they were friends first.) What they’ve been through together is a lot to take on for anyone who’s still in middle school, and I find it incredibly strange that they wouldn’t even try to preserve anything of what they had. Maybe they decided that thisbeing the first relationship, they were bound to hit a lot of roadblocks, that it was incredibly unlikely they were going to find ‘the one’ on the very first try, but it’s not as if they don’t care deeply for each other. Cause they clearly do. As a third-culture kid, I find that whilst you do absolutely have to put in work to maintain a relationship, it’s definitely possible and worthwhile to do, but only if both parties are willing to put in the effort. Even in the very last episode, Jude is still questioning his sexuality, wondering that if he  does like guys or if he only liked Connor, showing the depth of if not romantic then platonic feelings they have for each other. And having such a pathetic breakup doesn’t do the relationship as a whole any justice.

And while we’re at it, can we just address the shallowness of Connor’s character as a whole? Besides mainly being touted as Jude’s love interest, (because at least from what I recall, he always shows up in reference to Jude) the only other facet to his character is that he’s really scared of coming out to his homophobic dad. Though it’s not to say the story of being out to parents who aren’t always the most supportive is not an important storyline, it’s also one that gets used a lot. Connor is a student-athlete, who besides an avid interest in sports, shows immense interest in other activities that are typically seen as stereotypically male. (Not that there ever should be stereotypically male things, but eh. You catch my drift. I hope) I  believe that the storyline of an out athlete trying to navigate the mire that is middle and high school sports would be incredibly fresh and engaging (especially considering Connor’s age and the working out of his identity), but I guess that not everyone feels that way? Either way, I feel a little bit robbed.

Now let’s have a brief discussion of what Jude actually represents. Simply put, he isn’t someone who is afraid to be themselves, to put on nail polish simply because he likes it, to start dating a guy simply because he likes him and be curious and thoughtful about working out who he is. Jude’s constant struggle of trying to work out how to organise his identity is something that I must imagine every LGBTQIA+ person has had in their lifetime, and ultimately his desire to not pretend to be someone that he’s not is something that we can all appreciate, such as his kissing of Taylor in the season finale to work out whom he’s attracted to. While I can guarantee that not a single person’s journey of self-discovery will be the same, the example of someone who is given the freedom to explore who they are and not be ashamed nor embarrassed about it is the shining hallmark of what everyone’s journeys should be like. And if it does end up with Jude being written as someone who’s bi or pan or just not straight in general, that’s a storyline that I can absolutely accept and respect.

As so amply demonstrated by Jude’s attempting to find online gay porn, the discussion of any kind of relationship or exploration of any sexuality or gender identity that isn’t a cis-straight one is completely undiscussed. I know at least for myself, that meant I experienced a lot of guilt and shame in trying to parse through who I was and whom I liked because the entire thing felt illicit. Like it was blatantly wrong. That because no one else talked about, I felt completely alone in the endeavour. And I must imagine that’s an experience that is certainly not unique to me. That is why I was so looking forward to a functional, relatable young gay couple, and I think my disappointment by how Jonnor panned out is perhaps seriously influencing how I’m viewing the whole breakup. (Cause seriously, the only other canon couple I could get behind is Coldray, which had negligible screen time - though that’s for another rant.) And judging from the general discourse on the internet, I think I’m not the only one who feels generally upset by how Jonnor ended. Either way, it’s not for me to decide, and I hear that Jude finds a new relationship in Season 4. Though I certainly don’t think that it’ll be nearly as wholesome and simple and just heart-warming as Jonnor was.

Ultimately, being the purveyor of fanfiction that I am, and given how generally dissatisfied I am with how the break-up went, I 100% plan on coming up with some canon-extension fanfic to explore what might happen if Connor and Jude did end up meeting again when they were older, when they’ve gone through a few more relationships to decide what they’re  looking for and what a relationship should be like, and see what might happen then. Honestly, I have absolutely zero clue where it’s going to end up going. But I do think it’ll give me the kind of closure that I’m looking for, and that’s okay. And for those are satisfied with how Jonnor ended, and who are very happy with how Joah (I refuse to call it Nude XD) turn out, and Jude’s character as a whole turn out, I absolutely respect that. Cause ultimately these are all fictional characters, and they should be treated as such.

Happy pride everybody. May you too be able to be yourself.

[addictedtostorytelling]

Part 1- Hi! (Feel free to ignore I don’t want to bother you) your lost answer to anon got me thinking about an old headcanon I could never get str8 (Jate’s my lost otp & I love suliet to pieces). In “LaFleur”, sawyer says Kate’s face is gone from his memory, 3y’s enough to get over someone. But as soon as she’s back, he keeps glancing @ her as to figure out if he believes his own words. Except from the obvious writers’ ambiguous trick to keep the “square” alive for a bit longer,

Part 2- I thought it was some sort of leftover tenderness they shared toward each other (that Jack/Juliet didn’t get) cause despite their incompatibility, I believe they genuinely loved each other. So my question really is: do you think, post “the end” S & K find à way to accept that they care about each other, help each other get over their losses, learn to belong even if it’s just in each other’s lives (as friends or more) ? Sorry for this novel and thanks.

hey @clarissemcc!

so my headcanon for how things turn out with kate and sawyer post-island is definitely on the angsty side.

i’ll tuck it after the “keep reading,” just to be safe.

___________

as the final on-screen events of the original timeline in the series finale take place, jack has made the decision to remain behind on the island (where he soon dies), and juliet is already dead, meaning that both kate and sawyer return to civilization faced with the prospect of going through the rest of their lives bereft of their respective soulmates.

both of them undoubtedly mourn.

both of them undoubtedly suffer. 

but, ultimately, kate is better equipped to cope with her loss than sawyer is his.

that’s not to say that things are easy for kate, of course.

when she is finally reunited with jack in the flash-sideways universe, the sheer yearning in her “i’ve missed you so much” admission implies that she has likely spent years on years---a full lifetime---in the ot grieving him. 

losing jack after just having reconciled with him for the first time since their falling out in the wake of their broken engagement and after everything that they had been through together both on and off of the island most certainly leaves her heartbroken and reeling. 

she probably never really gets over mourning him and wondering “what if---?”

i honestly don’t see her ever getting in another long-term relationship or marrying after him; if she was going to “settle down” in that way, he was the one person she was going to do so with.

that said, i do think that, overall, she is able to face that grief (however long she has to) because she has a sense of purpose in leaving the island. 

she’s going to help claire raise aaron.

and i tend to believe that having someplace to go and something important to do helps her endure a life without jack.

that’s where she encounters whatever healing is available to her and “learns to belong,” like you talk about.

before crashing on the island, she is a fugitive runaway with nothing good or lasting in her life, but afterward she has two people who are looking to her to provide stability for them; she has a family, a home, and, most significantly, a reason to stick around.

not so with sawyer.

before the island, he is placeless---a traveling con man, in and out of prison, lacking a solid identity, much less a sense of purpose.

on the island, and particularly during the 70s in dharmaville, he finally gains grounding, becoming a super competent leader under the guise of jim lafleur and finding a partner---in every sense of the word---in juliet.

and had he been able to leave the island with juliet and marry her, as per his plan, i think he would have continued in the upward trajectory we see from him in s5 and s6. he would have listened to his better angels.

but in the wake of losing juliet, i’m not sure he can---and not just because she’s gone but because he blames himself for her death.

for as gut-wrenching as leaving jack behind on the island is for kate---and particularly knowing that he is badly wounded and possibly close to death---she can at least take solace in the fact that jack makes a choice for himself, and she can honor his willing sacrifice by taking care of his sister and nephew.

sawyer knows no such comfort.

he blames himself for juliet’s death on multiple levels: because he asked juliet to stay with him on the island for “two weeks” which turned into three years (see episode 05x08 “lafleur”); because his behavior around kate after she returned to the island eventually prompted juliet to sign on for jack’s plan to blow up the jughead (see episode 05x16 “the incident” pt. i); and because he literally couldn’t hold onto juliet and dropped her down the shaft (see episode 05x17 “the incident” pt. ii). 

though one could try to argue with him that juliet exercised personal agency both in remaining on the island with him AND detonating the bomb, his guilt and self-loathing would never accept such appeals.

in his mind, he killed the only person he ever truly loved.

and without her, not only does he have nowhere to go and nothing to do post-island, but he also carries with him the sense that he doesn’t deserve to get to go anywhere or do anything.

he doesn’t want to carry on in her absence.

he wants to suffer for his sins.

he wants to experience every moment of agony rightly owed him for his actions.

filled with guilt, pain, and the impulse to self-castigate, i just can’t imagine him faring well.

though kate might try to convince him to not give up, i don’t think he’d listen to her or accept any attempts by her to take care of him---and particularly not because he knows that part of what persuaded juliet to blow up the warhead was her assumption, however erroneous, that he would eventually choose kate over her (“i changed my mind when i saw you look at her”).

even just being around kate as a friend would trigger his guilt in the extreme.

and while he wouldn’t blame kate---as he says he doesn’t, per the scene on the pier---he would still blame himself.

he would always blame himself.

hate himself, even.

and a self-hating sawyer is a dangerous one.

i mean, self-hatred is what underlies his jerky, bullying, posturing behavior during the early seasons of the show, right? and, by comparison, that self-hatred is of a more “garden variety,” rooted in his sense that he has become someone despicable, rather than an extremely personal sense of loss (and fault).

so much more extreme will be his bent over juliet---and so much the worse his self-sabotaging behavior as a consequence.

the pre-show sawyer is an outlaw who lives dangerously, but he ultimately possesses a self-preservative instinct; he is a consummate survivor.

that’s part of what makes him and kate so similar.

and him and juliet, for that matter.  

but this sawyer---the one who feels responsible for getting the woman he loves killed---won’t care what happens to him anymore.

so he won’t do himself in all at once---not when he has a very strong sense that he deserves to suffer for what he has done for as long as possible---but he will drink and smoke himself sick and pick barfights with guys twice his size and run cons where he’s almost sure to get caught and then pull his gun on the cops who show up to arrest him; he’ll be a fucking mess, the likes of which would make even bearded, pill-popping, oceanic-six, los angeles jack go, “oh shit.”

and without any sense of grander purpose, i don’t know that sawyer would be able to pull himself out of the spiral.

kate might try to argue that he has an obligation to take care of himself if not for his own sake than for clementine’s, but he’d probably say that his daughter’s only interaction with him being by way of the trust fund he left for her is for the best.

honestly, i don’t think his story in the ot has any kind of happy ending.

and i don’t think he lasts as long as kate does.

just based on the way i understand his character, i doubt that sawyer allows himself to find any sort of refuge with kate post-island in the ot, either friendly or romantic, even if she tries to offer it to him. he also probably eschews company of any kind from anyone, including their other friends from the island. 

for my money, there is just too much hurt and guilt in him, for which he cannot permit himself any sort of peace, so he strikes out on his own (“some of us are meant to be alone”) to disastrous effect.

while kate undoubtedly worries about him, i think that at some point, probably sooner rather than later, she makes the conscious decision to focus her energies on claire and aaron, resigning herself to the fact that sawyer doesn’t want to be saved, and particularly not by her. 

ultimately, i think their paths diverge.

she learns to live again after the island, and he doesn’t.

all of this postulation given, i’m certainly not harshing on your headcanon! it’s way happier than mine and, frankly, a whole lot nicer to think about.

lest i end on a super negative note here, i’ll finish up by saying that i find it highly significant that in the flash-sideways, kate once again finds purpose in helping claire with aaron, while sawyer is searching---not only as a detective for his parents’ killer but literally walking around with a big, yellow sunflower (his bloom of choice for juliet), trying to find where (or rather to whom) he belongs, hopeful for the life he has always wanted to lead with her. 

though he doesn’t get any kind of happy ending in the ot, at least by my estimation, he does eventually find what he’s looking for in the flash-sideways, and that reunion with juliet is so healing for him. 

anyway, i’m rambling here.

thanks for the question! feel welcome to send another any time. 

[sirensbeckon]

hold!  who  goes  there?  why  ,  is  that  𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒏𝒂  𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒔𝒊𝒏  the  𝒃𝒂𝒓𝒅  of  𝒕𝒉𝒆  𝒏𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒉𝒍𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒔?  they  do  look  𝒑𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒔𝒉  for  a  𝒘𝒐𝒎𝒂𝒏  of  𝒕𝒘𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒚  -  𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒆𝒆  years.  don’t  they  call  𝒉𝒆𝒓  the  𝒄𝒍𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓  𝒂𝒏𝒅  𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒚𝒇𝒖𝒍  𝒔𝒊𝒓𝒆𝒏?  i’ve  heard  they’re  also 𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏  𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈  𝒂𝒏𝒅  𝒈𝒖𝒊𝒍𝒆𝒇𝒖𝒍  though.  don’t  take  my  word  for  it  but  they  do  look  an  awful  lot  like  𝒌𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒔𝒆𝒕𝒉.  (  pinterest  /  google  doc  )

BASIC  INFO

NAME  :  elena  taliesin

PRONUNCIATION  :  ah  -  lay  -  na   t  -  ae  -   l  -  eh  -  sin

TITLE  :  bard 

AGE :  twenty  -  three  

PLACE OF ORIGIN  :  a  small  village  in  the  northlands  called  freymore   

FAMILY MEMBERS  :  her  parents  ,  rendon  and  margaret  taliesin  ,  and  maternal  aunt  ,  penelope  ward.  

PHYSICAL  DESCRIPTION

HEIGHT  :  five  foot  three  

HAIIR COLOR  :  light  brown

EYE COLOR  :  pale  blue 

GENDER  :  cis  female  

BUILD  :  petite

DISTINGUISHING FEATURES?  :  beauty  mark  under  her  lips  ,  freckles  on  her  cheeks  ,  a  long  jagged  scar  on  her  hip  from  when  she  was  living  on  her  own.  

ANY HEALTH RELATED ISSUES?  :  not  really  ,  she  does  easily  bruise  though.          

PERSONALITY

there  is  little  elena  can  do  without  a  twinkle  of  mischief  in  her  eyes.  she  has  little  care  in  the  world  ,  or  at  least  she  tries  hard  at  making  it  appear  so.  she  radiates  warmth  to  whoever  dares  to  enter  her  orbit  ,  as  she  does  like  to  think  of  herself  as  the  sun.  arrogance  and  pride  are  not  strangers  to  elena  ,  and  she  often  wears  her  flaws  on  her  sleeves  ,  thinking  them  assets  rather  than  weaknesses.  though  ,  those  who  don’t  consider  elena  a  friend  may  think  otherwise.  she  likes  to  play  games  and  tease  her  friends.  there  truly  is  never  a  dull  moment  when  she’s  involved. 

on  the  flip  side  ,  elena  is  motivated  by  two  things  :  money  and  status.  her  ambition  clouds  her  mind  at  times  to  the  point  where  she  is  throwing  herself  into  situations  that  are  risky  and  sometimes  just  plain  stupid.  she  will  do  anything  to  keep  everyone’s  eyes  on  her.  the  only  time  she  feels  important  is  when  people  are  watching  her  or  talking  about  her  ,  otherwise  she  fears  what  would  happen  if  she  became  obsolete.  rather  than  risk  anonymity  ,  she  pulls  stunts  and  does  all  she  can  to  be  useful  to  others.  

left  alone  ,  elena  can  become  moody  and  melancholy.  she  hates  living  alone  and  sometimes  even  sleeping  alone  since  it  leaves  her  with  little  to  distract  her  from  the  reality  of  life.         

POSITIVE  TRAITS  :  clever  ,  playful  ,  warmhearted  ,  loyal  ,  vivacious  ,  welcoming  ,  protective  ,  ambitious  ,  passionate

NEGATIVE  TRAITS  :  selfish  ,  guileful  ,  manipulative  ,  impatient  ,  frivolous  ,  puckish  ,  attention  seeking  ,  reckless  ,  hedonistic             

ADDITIONAL  INFO

HER  BENEFACTOR  :  this  person  offers  elena  everything  she  desires  :  status  ,  money  and  purpose.  though  they  were  not  her  first  patron  ,  they  are  the  most  important.  they  fund  elena’s  travels  as  well  as  hire  her  consistently  for  events  and  parties  ;  sometimes  they  hire  her  just  for  their  own  listening  pleasure.  they  have  a  mutual  understanding  that  elena  is  using  them  for  their  wealth  and  they  are  using  elena  for  her  company.  pretty  open  ended  plot  that  can  turn  platonic  ,  romantic  ,  or  antagonistic. 

PARTNER  IN  CRIME  :  an  old  friend  she  knew  during  her  time  spent  traveling  solo.  they  lost  touch  but  reconnected  recently  as  if  nothing  has  ever  changed.  they  knew  elena  before  her  rise  to  fame  and  ground  her.  they  have  no  trouble  calling  her  out  when  she’s  acting  out.  this  person  is  also  one  of  the  few  people  elena   is  undoubtedly  loyal  to.  elena  feels  very protective  over  this  person  and  tries  to  help  them  out  in  any  way  she  can. 

ESTRANGED  FAMILY  :  hi  my  name  is  briana  and  i  thrive  off  of  complicated  family  bonds  alfjksldj  (  see  estranged  sibling  in  cecily’s  intro  ).  ANYWAY  elena’s  mother  was  a  member  of  a  minor  noble  house  in  the  northlands  ,  the  wards.  though  elena  typically  would  zero  in  on  any  connection  to  status  she  has  ,  she  is  standoffish  when  it  comes  to  her  distant  family.  she  feels  resentment  towards  them  for  cutting  off  her  mother  ,  as  well  as  not  coming  to  her  aid  when  she  was  left  alone.  perhaps  she  and  her  family  meeting  in  passing  and  they  have  no  idea  it’s  her  or  the  surname  taliesin  does  ring  a  bell  and  remind  them  of  a  disgraced  daughter  or  niece  or  cousin.  elena  surprisingly  wants  nothing  to  do  with  them  ,  but  this  connection  could  think  she  wanted  money  or  gifts  or  status.  angsty  shenanigans  ensues.   

SCORNED  EX  :  a  past  patron  who  elena  used  for  their  fair  amount  of  coin  and  status  as  a  noble.  the  two’s  professional  relationship  had  developed  into  a  romantic  one  ,  but  elena  spent  most  of  that  relationship  lying  about  her  feelings  for  the  other.  she  never  loved  them  but  did  feel  comfortable  ,  especially  since  the  other  was  providing  for  her.  ultimately  ,  elena  left  them  when  a  new  patron  offered  her  something  she  could  not  refuse.  i  imagine  her  ex  would  feel  bitter  towards  elena  and  if  they  were  to  ever  run  into  each  other  it  could  be  tense  or  even  hostile.

HISTORY

with  a  wicked  grin  ,  she  tells  people  she  was  born  from  the  sea  ,  a  daughter  of  a  sea  god  with  a  tale  to  tell.  the  mysterious  siren  ,  a  sought  after  bard  and  a  must  have  addition  to  any  party.  she  likes  the  simplicity  of  a  legendary  beginning  ,  so  farfetched  that  of  course  no  one  in  their  right  mind  would  believe  her.  and  in  the  same  breath  she  can  protect  her  past  and  herself  from  whatever  could  be  used  against  her.  besides  ,  her  past  is  disappointing  ,  ridden  with  boring  reality  and  misfortunes  that  elena  refuses  to  let  weigh  her  down.  

but  for  the  sake  of  transparency  ,  her  true  tale  goes  like  this  :  she  was  born  in  the  northlands  to  a  farmer  and  a  disgraced  noble.  her  village  of  freymore  was  small  and  not  that  important  but  she  loved  it.  she  spent  her  days  helping  her  father  with  the  crops  and  flowers  ,  often  picking  some  to  bring  home  to  her  mother  who  made  money  as  a  scribe  for  the  town.  her  mother  had  left  a  minor  noble  house  for  love  and  all  but  one  of  her  family  members  cut  ties  completely  with  her  —  the  one  being  her  sister  and  elena’s  aunt  ,  lady  penelope  ward.  it  was  her  mother  who  took  on  elena’s  education  ,  reserving  the  late  afternoons  into  evenings  to  teach  her  daughter  reading  and  writing  ,  but  most  importantly  ,  history.  her  mother  had  been  on  the  road  to  becoming  a  well  respected  scholar  in  her  field  before  she  left  her  home  for  rendon  taliesin.  she  did  not  do  it  for  prestige  ,  but  for  the  love  of  it  and  elena  inherited  that  passion  for  history  and  mythology.  

when  her  aunt  managed  to  steal  away  to  visit  she  would  bring  her  lute  and  stacks  upon  stacks  of  sheet music  to  the  taliesin  farmstead.  history  and  religion  lessons  were  postponed  so  that  aunt  penelope  could  teach  elena  music.  elena  took  to  singing  right  away  ,  often  carrying  the  tunes  from  lessons  over  to  work.  her  and  her  father  would  sing  in  the  orchards  as  they  plucked  fruit  from  the  trees.  the  lute  was  a  tougher  trick  to  learn  ,  the  strings  complicated.  by  the  time  she  was  eleven  ,  she  was  handling  it  fairly  well  and  her  aunt  was  thoroughly  impressed  —  mainly  by  her  own  teaching.  i  will  say  ,  elena  did  not  inherit  her  arrogance  from  her  parents.

her  childhood  was  sweet  and  truly  all  elena  could  ask  for  .  .  .  though  the  taliesins  did  struggle  financially.  the  northland  winters  were  cruel  ,  even  in  the  southern  most  part  of  the  kingdom.  it  was  not  an  easy  place  to  farm  ,  even  though  it  was  a  necessary  trade.  loans  were  taken  out  ,  as  many  as  possible  ,  to  get  the  family  through  the  harsh  months.  as  much  as  her  aunt  begged  her  family  to  help  elena  and  her  parents  ,  they  did  not  budge.  it  was  her  mother’s  stories  and  her  father’s  steady  support  that  kept  elena  optimistic  .  .  .  until  the  snow  melted  and  there  were  debts  to  be  paid.  

there  was  never  enough  money  ,  all  of  it  going  straight  to  the  lenders.  soon  it  became  too  much  for  the  family  —  her  father  was  taken  to  the  cells  underneath  the  ruling  family  of  the  region  for  his  unpaid  debt.  and  her  mother  ,  unable  to  support  elena  on  her  own  ,  begged  her  sister  to  take  her.  penelope  obliged  and  elena  left  her  home  and  family  behind  ,  never  knowing  when  she  would  see  them  again  ,  if  she  would  see  them  again.  

at  thirteen  she  was  living  in  the  northland  capital  with  her  aunt  ,  far  away  from  her  mother’s  family  for  her  own  safety.  her  aunt  continued  elena’s  studies  ,  music  lessons  quickly  becoming  her  favorite  as  the  tales  of  history  and  myth  never  sounded  right  coming  out  of  anyone’s  mouth  but  her  mother’s.  she  knew  a  life  of  comfort  in  mer  sereine  ,  something  she  was  unused  to  and  learned  to  relish.  she  distracted  herself  from  her  grief  with  pretty  things  whether  they  were  dresses  or  songs  or  ,  as  she  grew  older  ,  people.  

because  of  elena’s  gift  of  music  and  storytelling  ,  her  aunt  encouraged  her  to  train  as  a  bard  with  her  ,  as  she  was  a  former  instructor  of  a  bard  college.  she  did  not  have  a  traditional  education  after  agreeing  to  it  ,  instead  she  traveled  vailar  at  her  aunt’s  side  and  performed.  she  was  young  but  she  had  a  natural  talent  for  it  and  was  ready  to  set  out  on  her  own  when  she  turned  nineteen.  

her  first  solo  year  was  not  as  successful  as  elena  imagined  it  to  be.  she  spent  most  of  it  in  shitty  inns  but  when  her  money  ran  out  she  turned  to  a  less  savory  trade  —  stealing.  elena  refused  to  admit  her  failures  to  her  aunt  and  did  what  she  had  to  do  to  survive  while  traveling  ,  saying  that  when  it  would  pick  up  she  could  stop.  a  year  later  she  did  stop  when  she  landed  her  first  regular  patron  who  then  introduced  her  to  another  potential  patron  and  another  after  that.  things  seemed  to  be  falling  into  place  for  elena.  

though  there  were  dips  in  patronage  as  time  went  on  ,  elena  found  herself  becoming  a  fairly  well  known  and  wanted  bard.  as  she  delved  further  into  high  society  she  began  to  make  up  stories  about  her  past  so  to  keep  herself  a  mystery  ;  the  one  that  stuck  was  that  she  was  a  siren  cursed  to  walk  the  land  by  an  evil  sea  witch  (  this  is  not  the  plot  to  little  mermaid  don’t  @  me  alfjsdlkjf ).  

presently  ,  elena  is  entertaining  her  high  class  patrons  still  and  landing  illustrious  jobs  for  events.  she  has  quarters  at  an  inn  in  elysi  but  rarely  frequents  them  as  she  prefers  traveling  to  staying  home  alone.   

the  way  elena  conducts  business  is  .  .  .  interesting  to  say  the  least.  as  she  grows  more  popular  ,  she  becomes  greedier.  she  thrives  off  of  the  fame.  the  only  things  connecting  her  to  her  past  are  the  few  people  who  knew  her  as  she  was  before.  elena  is  attached  to  the  glitz  and  glamor  of  being  a  bard  and  attending  balls  and  galas.  she  has  lost  her  innocent  love  for  the  art.  she’s  not  above  flirting  or  playing  dirty  to  get  what  she  wants.  she’s  been  known  to  manipulate  people  and  use  them  for  their  status  or  wealth :)  she  has  no  boundaries  even  though  she  really  should.                                              

[uu-witch]

A Welcoming Congregation

When I was a child, my family was part of a nondenominational church. I don’t remember too much about it, but the things I do remember were all moments of joy. I remember singing with my mom, dancing in the isles and next to the ‘stage’ with the other kids, raising my hands in praise, and - most importantly to little kid me - donuts and orange juice in between 1st and 2nd service. I loved being in that place of happiness and worship with my mom.

And then my parents got a divorce. And as mom is/was a stepmom, I moved out with my dad. This was, at least, 20 years ago, and she is still (as she always will be) my mom. I’m very lucky to have such a wonderful relationship with this woman who I bonded so strongly with though she is not my blood mother. Unfortunately, I never found that bond with another Christian place again. It wasn’t because of the divorce or the move, it was because I was growing older and realizing pieces of me would never again fit in that place. It took me a long time to realize that didn’t mean there was anything wrong with me, but I have finally come to terms with that.

I bounced around through various churches from that time until I was a teenager. I was starting to learn more about the world and myself and was having a very hard time dealing with the fact that not only was (am) I gay, but that the religion that once comforted me as a child was no longer what I was able to seek comfort from. I didn’t even know how to say the word gay at the church - it felt like the ultimate sin. So when I ‘came out’ to my neighbor, who was the woman that took me to church with her kids, I instead showed her a picture of two women together (amusingly enough, I’m fairly certain it was of TATU) and said something along the lines of “I think I’m like them.”

I was told it wasn’t okay. But I didn’t have to be told, I knew it wasn’t okay.

She also told me dad, and I’m fairly certain that’s the last time I went to that church. I went to other churches after that, but it was only due to a friend going and asking me to tag along. My heart was never in it.

Around this time, a new girl started at a school. I didn’t like her, I was a jealous teen and she my best friend at the time spent more time with her than me. Funny the things that felt like at the end of the world to teen me and has zero influence on anything now a days. One thing about her interested me however, she was a Wiccan. I’d never heard about that before (aside from in the Craft but I’m not counting that) but the more I looked in to it, the more I was interested.

I came home one day with a book she lent me to read, and my dad about hulk smashed the world to pieces when he saw it in my backpack. I don’t remember the whole conversation now, but it was your typical bs. I was going to go to hell, something about those people having sex while doing spells, etc etc etc. I was never to bring that in to the house again.

I’m sure like most parents he thought it was a phase. I never ‘grew out’ of either though, but at least I’m not wearing all the black clothes that were part of my teenage years. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with people of any age that dress gothic/punk or any other word that’s used now a days as I had - but it’s hot af where I live and I just don’t know how I use to do it.

But I digress..

I still live with him, and I’m very grateful that he allows me to considering I’m in my thirties. But I’m constantly worried he’s going to stumble across one of my maaaany books on Paganism, Witchcraft, Wicca, Spells, etc. I try to keep them in my closet where he’d never have a reason to look in.

A few years ago, I stumbled across a local Pagan group. I was so excited. People who thought the way I did FINALLY. Granted we all had different approaches to our Paganism, that didn’t matter. I went to a few meetings of theirs and open rituals. The favorite of mine being a ritual on the beach when, as we were calling corners, the waves that had not been there before rushed over us and almost knocked our very unstable tv dinner tray alter tables over while we called to water. That wasn’t the only interesting ritual we had though, the most interesting in my opinion at the time, was the one we had at a church.

A church. Welcoming Pagans in to their holy space, to hold ritual.

A church with a gay pride flag out front, black lives matter stickers on the door, and bathrooms with signs stating to use the restroom of your choice.

Wtf kinda weird ass church is this. Don’t they know these things aren’t welcome here?

This was my first introduction to a UU church. I started going with that group to the few rituals held at the church, and then slowly started going to the church itself without the group. A Sunday every few months, just popping in and out of boredom more than anything, but as I learned about the people in the church and their very eclectic views, I began to embrace the church. I’ve been a member for about a year now and can’t imagine being anywhere else.

This place, though they are nothing like the church I was raised in, fills my heart with the same feeling of love and worship as that church has. Which is quite interesting when thinking about the fact that our sermons have very little to do with worship most times.

When I first started going on a more regular basis, my father asked me what they believed in. It was hard for me to answer since I didn’t have a full understanding at the time. “Nothing and everything” was not a good answer but it’s the easiest imo. I even dragged him along with me once, for an Easter service. I thought it was a great service, but when one of the speakers said something along the lines of “Jesus is never coming back” I knew he’d never come back. And he never has. (Except for outside of service when we had a chili cookoff)

As for myself however, I’ve volunteered for a while in their kitchen, then became a member, started volunteering with the kids, and will soon become a spirit play teacher.

Every Sunday during service we are told that this is a ‘welcoming congregation’ and it truly is. I feel at home. And not because I’m running from religion and hoping if I knock on another door that gay/witchcraft will be okay, but because I have learned that these things were never wrong to begin with and found the place that embraces all parts of my being and of the congregation as a whole while I embrace them as well.

Lately, I have been doing a lot with Journey Circles and Workshops offered through the church and expect to be doing more with the kids as well in Spirit Play and wanted a place where I could just journal things out that would be much faster than writing in an actual journal. This novel of a post for example would of taken much longer on paper, so I turned to Tumblr. My old teenage stomping grounds. Honestly, I was surprised to see it hadn’t fallen away like MySpace had..but here we are.

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