#i am so fucking overwhelmed and depressed jesus!!!!!!!!

[urbanfiltered]

can’t breathe

[widevibratobitch]

aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.

[itsnotmyfaultsomepeoplecantread]

I'm tired of people arguing with me about dumb shit, so I made a list of what people are saying vs what I'm saying.

Things people (especially my "progressive" family) say are my fault:

- Literally everything

Things people in my life say are specifically causing problems for them:

- Being anxious

- Not wanting to debate my own validity

- Sensory overload

- Crying

- Being "weird"

- Preferences that affect literally no one else (food, movies, shows, clothes, etc.)

- Sources of comfort

- Babbling

- Feeling overwhelmed

- Retreating to safe spaces

- Focusing on one thing too long

- Being young

- Miscommunicating

- etc.

Things I do that are actually problematic that I've spent a decade in therapy trying to be better at:

- Emotional reactivity

- Emotional dysregulation

- Panic attacks

- Argumentativeness

- Anxiety/depression

- Rejection sensitivity

- Interrupting people when they talk

- Jumping to worst case scenarios

- Over-explaining and making things worse when I'm misunderstood

- Etc.

Things I was diagnosed for as a kid:

- Anxiety

- Depression

Things that didn't get diagnosed for until adulthood and separation from my family:

- ADHD

- Autism

- PTSD

- Degenerative and disabling medical conditions

- etc.

Symptoms of these conditions:

- See list 2

- Most of list 2 is symptoms of autism

Things I literally can't fucking change:

- Being fucking autistic

Things my own family doesn't want to do:

- Respect peoples' pronouns

- Stop fat shaming

- Stop hyper fixating on peoples' cultures/skin colors

- Stop having debates about my fucking disabilities

- Listen when I talk about things I HAVE DEGREES IN

- Listen to me at all??

- Go to therapy

Things I don't do:

- See above

Things I am willing to do:

- Listen to peoples' perspectives

- Change my opinions

- Adapt my communication style

- Try new things even though they make me uncomfortable

- A lot of things if they help people feel good

- Work on myself and reflect on my actions

Things people want others to change:

- Their identity

- Their pronouns

- Things we literally can't help

- Harmless quirks

Things they're willing to change:

- Absolutely nothing (they say this specifically)

Things people are asking of them:

- Criticizing literally every tiny aspect of someone else's life/saying they're just doing it wrong, without offering any genuine support

- Not complaining about the use (not even using, just the usage in general) of they/them pronouns

- Pretending to listen/empathize/care for five seconds instead of just rolling their eyes

- Have a single fucking ounce of sensitivity

Things I'm not asking them to do:

- Change their entire use of language

- Change their personality

- Become different people

-etc.

Things people say I and others are asking of them:

- "Walk on eggshells"

The only things I wish they'd actually do:

- Treat others like human beings

- Stop criticizing me for things I can't fix/change

- Stop yelling at me and saying I'm the problem

- Do their own damn research instead of asking me questions and then telling me I'm wrong

In conclusion, there's a reason I needed antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds forever, and I'm tired of that. So my new motto is that everyone can go fuck themselves, and if they have a problem with my existence, then they shouldn't be surprised if I walk out.

I am not perfect. But Jesus Fucking Fuck. No wonder I have so much freaking social anxiety.

[aajjks]

this pxssy depressed 😞

mommy issues!JK

wait, he’s not upset? you were sure jungkook was going to be pissed off at you for lying about seol’s paternity but he seems fine. his hand is still tracing your thigh but this time he takes a bolder approach and runs his hand along the length of your leg. oh, he’s so happy that you’re wearing a skirt.

“why arent you touching your margarita? oh yn… look at you, you look hot”

‘AND IT’S BECAUSE OF YOU!!’ you mentally scream. instead, you do as jungkook instructed you and take a swig of the sweet drink. you aren’t sure what jungkook means by ‘long night’ (you do) but you continue to drink the virgin margarita.

“do I make you nervous, pretty girl?”

“y-yes? no! no, of course not. sorry, i don’t know why i was yelling” you laugh awkwardly and jungkook chuckles at your shy demeanor. usually it’s jungkook that stutters and trips over his words while you speak with such confidence but now, those roles are reversed. it’s jungkook who is confident and you who’s tripping over their words.

it’s obvious that you’re nervous to make the first move but no worries. he made sure to give you an extra ‘push’ so everything will go smoothly. “j-jungkook? i…i’m scared” you whisper. “what if i don’t do this right? what if i don’t make you feel good? what if you don’t like what you see? or-or what if—,” you’re rant is interrupted with a soft pair of lips gently placed on yours.

as jungkook continues to kiss you, he reassures you. when he pulls away, his hand comes up to caress your face and your lips before diving in again; drowning in you. the more you both kiss, you find yourself getting hotter, needier, and desperate for your partner’s touch.

“j-jungkook” you pant. “i…”

you bite your lip, unsure of whether or not you should be doing this. you haven’t been with jungkook for longer than a week and you’re already about to screw him/get screwed by him. have you no shame?

“i’m sorry, jungkook. it’s just—what the fuck am i doing? what are WE doing?“ you pull away from jungkook, fix yourself up, and JESUS CHRIST WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN STUBBORN?! you were so close but anytime he gets a little too close, you just close yourself off.

“i…i do want you, jungkook but i’m scared. it’s like i’m falling but no one is there to catch me. if we don’t work out you have eunwoo, alina, seol, and even your mother to run to. but me? who can i run to when i need love? nobody loves me. not my parents, my sister, chaeyoung, not even myself”

~🫧

Surprisingly, his eyes soften.

Maybe he’s overwhelmed you and now he feels a little bad, “okay yn We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to… we really don’t. And it may look like right now I want to get in your pants and that’s true, partially but I want your heart the most.” Jungkook confesses.

When you tell him that there’s no one to love you, not even yourself it breaks his heart, if only you could see how much he loves you-and how much he will always love you. The love he feels for you overwhelms him.

Jungkook grabs your face in both of his hands “look.. don’t say that you don’t love yourself yn. and God forbid if we don’t work out I’m still going to be there to love you because a part of me will always love you even if you break my heart in the worst way possible.” He confesses the truth and looks at you with you the most passionate loving look in his eyes.

He just wants to show you how much he loves you but maybe if you don’t want that right now it’s completely OK with him. Intimacy is a huge deal and he knows that you haven’t been together for a long time and maybe.. he’s wrong for being so sexual with you.

Maybe there are other ways he could show you how much he loves you. Taking a hint, he backs off. Creating a Distance between you two so you can finally breathe.

“See? I’m always going to be there for you no matter what happens… you have me to run back to because I will always love you.” He says, with genuine intensity. “And.. if not me then… seol is there to always love you.”

“ the truth isn’t you don’t need anybody to love you especially not someone so bad as chaeyoung. You’re a strong, beautiful woman and that’s what makes you so attractive, but there is your vulnerability, which is… so beautiful too.”

He takes a sip of his margarita. ” the truth is that nobody has ever loved me for me… i get why you feel that way because I’ve always been used by people.. maybe my mother is the only one who has ever loved me, but it’s been years since I talked to her..”

“but it doesn’t matter anymore because I got you and I know that you can love me for me because you’re just made that way and you’re like the best person ever.. so please allow me to love you selfishly and selflessly.”

[feridsluver]

⚠️vent ⚠️

Tbh, I am not sure how I feel about certain situations. I am used to become numb to several feelings but at this point I feel like a lot has been erased. It's like there's nothing. I am not sure if I call this an improvement but I am relieved that most feelings that cause a depressive episode don't happen anymore. And I hate that. I hate that because of my emotional instability I can't have a healthy emotional relationship with me and other things I love. I hate the fact that these feelings cause a whole breakdown that have an unpredictable timing and occupation. Once I was so overwhelmed that I was shut down for 3 months. I barely was able to respond to anything, anything triggered my anxiety and I didn't have the situation under control. It went into a standard setting of something. To add on, my dissociation is becoming worse. It was fine at the beginning of the year, and now it happens in every conversation I have. I hate myself. Or at least I think that is what I do. I can't even have that emotional response to that. I hate the fact that I am too quiet in a group of people, the fact that I must give but never get and my entire personality. I wish I was different. I wish that sometimes life wouldn't be life. Life feels so meaningless. It's like a loop. You wake up, do your work, go home and sleep. Why do people care so much for it?That is what I question. Why do people value this circle? I am very relieved that I am not on the streets and go through actual shit. But why is life that exact thing? Why must there even be that consideration of suffering and all of that? I don't understand why people have to fight for their existence to be accepted. Jesus Christ you are human. Who tf cares if you support an expired orange or who tf cares if you support a liberal pedophile? You will die alone and no one is going to remember for "this persons sucks the conservatives off because they have a weird fetish of humiliation" or " I think I'm so cool because I hate a group of people who I generalise on a stereotype because my idiotic self doesn't understand the basic human rights." And the whole gender thing. Don't get me started. "MeN Are BetTer. NO WoMan Are." Kindly stfu. Did you know that nature made a system and it's called hetero sex? Yeah. So basically host of annoying Satan spawn has to get,WITH CONSENT, fucked by the man. Now to say that some men are like omg, consent? Tf you don't need that. Alright. I am not going to need your consent when I am going pop some of your organs out with a certain technique called: "mummification". (Yes the Pharaos actually consented to such things but guess what honey unlike the Pharaos who have been seen as a god hence why they had this treatment when they were dead, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE IT ALIVE.) or also the argument that "not all men". Personally that sounds to me like the same excuse some Germans pulled up with in the 1950's. but "not all nazis". STFU PLEASE. SOME MEN ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE BUT IF YOU PULL UP WITH THAT FUCKING LAME EXCUSE FOR YOU TO USE, IT CLEARLY SAYS TO ME "actually I want to use this argument so I don't get fucked over if I do smth shit." No nice man in the world would pull up with that argument. To come to my point; what does it matter on who tf I am? Pretty damn sure you don't need to know that I am pretty gay for women and a slut for men when you hand me your fucking money at the cashier. Or your ethnical background. I am white myself. But geez some of y'all sound fucking ridiculous when you tell a person that they can't cosplay a character because they are black. Guess what honey, I guess you can't visit the Indian restaurant that you have mistakenly thought was somehow Pakistani, because you are not Indian. So you can't enjoy Indian food anymore. Sounds stupid right? Well same argument . And why are politics so important? We are a species. A stupid species I might say so, but a species. A pathetic one at that. Imma cut that hot take off right here. Thank you for reading this abomination.

[diedandwenttobobevans]

First Journal Entry 7/21/24

Hi. Hello. I'm so fucking bad at journals. I've been wanting to do this for a bit tho. It's going to be a big dumb thought dump. Don't really care about coherence, this is just a habit I really wanted to get into. Theres a part of me thats like, anxious? I'm dealing with some really bad self image issues right now. Lots of stuff going on in my life. I've been insanely insecure and self concious recently and so even just the idea of airing my greivances out publicly with the protection of anonymity is nerve wracking to me. Everything in life feels overwhleming and. just. AAAAAAAAAA

Here's the thing. I'm a sorry excuse for an adult. I'm 35, just got out of a mediocre and toxic 13+ year relationship with my ex back in April. It was a long, dragged out death to a unfulfilling existence that I held onto too long. Dear Jesus I just realized I'll be 36 in 3 weeks. Fuck. Ready to get off Mr. Bones ride already. I am she/her/they (oh hey, that they is new but dont want to dwell on it too much) bi- lesbian leaning mess of a human being. I don't have spawn thank god. That's not to say I dislike kids or anything, I just don't find I am a patient and responsibile enough person to care for one. I barely can take care of myself.

So mental disorders. I haven't been properly diagnosed. Gotta love the American Health Care system. But it's more so I don't do anything. I don't take care of myself in the very obvious ways and I am always prcrastinating and straight up avoiding difficult and stressing tasks that every other normal ass person can do. So I haven't bothered with getting health insurance. I don't have a traditional job that provides benefits. God, I sleep so much but everthing tires me. Even just writing this out is mentally exhausting. I don't know whats wrong with me. I think its ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, maybe something else. Autism? BPD? Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac. I don't know how people can function if they feel like I do. I barely want to get out of bed.

My brain is starting to fry and I'm struggling to sit and type these feelings out. Again, so overwhelmed. It feels like I have so much to dump here. But at the same time I don't know what I want to talk about? If its not obvious, I'm not a self actualized person. I'm struggling defineing myself and my goals and what I want out of life. I'm hoping journaling practices will help with that.

I hung out with my brother and two of his friends on Saturday. One is renting out his basement, hes a long time friend of my bro's wife. Great guy, but I kinda want him to move out so I can take over the basement. Hes been house hunting recently so it seems possible. The other friend is a woman I just met this year, not sure how long of a friend shes been with Bro but shes openly Pan, outgoing, smart, adorably nerdy. Fine as hell. An amazingly caring person. I, the absolute garbage bag I am, went to a party at the beguinning of the year and not knowing anyone there, drank fast and furious and went a little loud and first met Adorable Nerd (not knowing the extent of her nerdiness) while plastered, trauma dumped about my failing relationship. Claimed to "like her vibe" THEN GAVE HER ASS A SQUEEZE according to other party goers. I'm so ashamed. and cowardly to boot so the next 2 parties I seen her at I avoided her out of embaressment. The fact she still wants to talk and even has invited me out to future hangouts is insane. She loves DnD and wants to play so bad. Maybe she would want to go to Gen Con? Trying to enjoy roleplaying games and board games is kind of weird when theres a lot of history of my ex and those activities, but damn it, I like that stuff. I may of learned a lot from him about the subjects but that doesn't make me not interested anymore.

Anyway, AdoraNerd seems intent on trying to "help" me. Trying to get me out and about, talk about my feelings. It's been 3 months now since the break up. I guess I should leave the house. Is she into me, is this weird to ask. Why would she care. I told her she would do amazing in psychology

God this a jumbled mess of thoughts. I would love to get better at writing and organzing my brainworms. For now though I think I'll end it here and try to make this a daily practice.

I want to add what I'm listening to here as well. Remember on myspace and xanga and most people ended their blogs with "currently lsitening to/currently watching/ currently playings/currently eating ect" stuff? I want to continue the tradition. What would all the important stuff be? I also kind of want to get into a collages for my mood so I have some kind of creative outlet outside of work.

Listening: SUPERHEAVEN - I'VE BEEN BORED / LITHONIA - CHILDISH GAMBINO

Watching: THE TICK (1994)

[letmetrythisagain]

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just feel so fucking alone. I have so many people that I love and I know they love me but nobody really fucking knows me completely, I feel so trapped inside myself I'm crying for help so obviously but I don't know how to tell anybody what's wrong because they all have actual problems, real things that are happening, but for me it's just fucking everything. It's just me. As much as someone can listen and swear up and down they understand or at least that it's valid and I may believe it, it just never stops for me and I have to watch them move on and get better or at least have a partner to help or whatever and I'm just still here. I feel them getting sick of me and my mess and I'm going fucking insane I want to be happy but I just don't understand how other people can just... not feel like this. Everything is so overwhelming and I can try and celebrate little victories and accomplishments and not compare myself but that only gets me so far, and then it feels stupid and I feel stupid and regress even more than I was. But I know I'm not stupid, and I've been in therapy and treatment and on meds and all the shit for so so long while being there for everyone else, and even though everyone knows that I've been depressed and anxious or whatever I've still always been the one there for everyone else through, I've never been the one to outwardly break down like all of my friends so I'm not the one they worry about. But jesus fucking christ I am not okay!!!! And I've been saying I'm not okay but no one else is either and everyone close to me is going through horrible fucked up shit so I how am I supposed to begin to explain how deeply sad and tired and lonely I am when nothing is happening to me???? So I just don't because I'm scared if I try to actually put things into words and not downplay it I will never stop and I will fall apart completely. I think I've been holding in way more than I ever realized for maybe my whole life and now I just don't know how to push past that wall of "acceptable" fucked up. just fucking please I need someone to SEE

[moomoomooing]

mild rant? mostly thoughts :)

yk ive just not been a fan of how quickly my mood and possible depression is flipping from eberythings fine and im only a little stressed but its ok! to jesus fuck let me rot (projects and deadlines are suddenly piled up and its overwhelming, but i also feel like this when i have nothing i can do)

i try to keep on a shower schedule cause of my class times (i have night classes half of the days so i shower on my off days) but it means i gotta be nasty for a day on sunday till i shower that night. and i never have the willpower to go to the studio feeling nasty,,, even if it wouldve been great to get work done and satiate the restlessness i get from being in my dorm all day

but i didnt and now im plagued with guilt and more stress/ anxiety yippees

on another note my roommate is really REALLY good at finding ALL of my triggers for anxiety or fight or flight responses. so far they nailed using my mirror/being TOO close to my belongings without asking (they eventually asked and i gave permission out of being nice but i severely dislike it and it makes me hyperaware of everything she does when i hear her close to my dresser). they got my i will tense up and not breathe till its over response to alarm sounds (i hate them theyre incredibly anxiety inducing and i always wake up before my alarm usually out of fear. thankfully now my alarms a last resort/reminder of time if i dont wake up early). and!! they let the door slam (boo loud noises), are constantly on a call they often dont wear earbuds for and talk really loudly half the time, or is on call past 12 am (i feel intrusive and also please i cant sleep if youre on call)

theres also other general icks that are hopefully getting better? im noticing less of smth that i hate that they do (its a not cleaning after yourself type deal) but it could just be coincidence

oh also im trying to apply for jobs (remote part-times or internships) and frankly im scared. the reason it took me so long to get a job in highschool was also straight fear and anxiety lmao

i would love money tho (pssst i have commissions open :D)

OW SHARP RINGING NOISE WHERE DID YOU COME FROM????????? ALL OF THE WHITE NOISE DISSAPEARED AND ITS ONLY THAT

anyways i got another strike of hypersensitive skin??? no idea what causes it but it made the underneath of my forearm feel like i scraped it across concrete. 0/10 i didnt have a pleasant showering experience

oh on a better note being so far removed from my family and the fact we basically never call or text has been quite freeing

its like when i was actually at public highschool and had agency over myself in a way i didnt have when my mom was around (basically her presence was usually STRESS)

on a lesser note i havent been talking with my two other friends (ill call em the trio, them plus me) and its been kinda radio silence from everyone? i havent exactly been great either but my infrequent requests for vcs are usually ignored or not responded too which sucks. it makes me more paranoid than id like to be

our time difference definitely makes it way harder too tho, im ahead by a few hours. ik weve gone months without talking before then picked it right back up, but im always scared during the radio silence anyways

im always scared and curious abt other ppls opinions on me, usually the ppl i consider friends. ik one of my friends likes me? but their friends (the 4 of us will be rooming together next year, theyre also technically my friends but my usually point of contact with them is through my friend) i cant tell how much they like me? its probably my unfamiliarity with them but it makes me nervous for no reason

anyways if you actually read all of this, sorry for taking away your time? i reccomend soft gepard x sampo (hsr) fics to soothe the mind, theyre cute.

also hey haha if youre one of the two friends, literally the nickels, are reading this? erase it from your mind please and thanks

[sleepdeprivationandcoffee]

I’m in the middle of a manic depressive episode and Jesus fucking Christ. I’m so pissed at everything right now and I cannot stop and it is so overwhelming and so bad and I am sick of this.

[sallymareeq]

Entry 1

*context- i was having such a bad mental breakdown that i, as a person with sensory issues and severe anxiety, fell asleep on top of my bed fully clothed with my window wide open in the dark, but prior to that i wrote them absolute mess*

Dear Diary

i think I should write this stuff down before it eats me up inside and kills my soul, but writing hurts my hands and talking like anyone cares makes me hate myself.

I hope i never read this, i don't think it would be good for me. I hardly know what im writing but i don't care, i guess im just spilling my endless stream of thoughts,  staring at the black keys, not looking up at my obvious spelling mistakes, i dont care, that red squiggly line can suck my dick.

Tomorrow i think i need to go for a walk and see the cats at rescue or maybe catch a bus so i don't get tired, that will either make me feel ok, or worse, idk yet.

I think im depressed, i dont really feel anything and i  dont want to do anything anymore, i feel nothing. This isnt the sad depressed i used to feel when i was little, numb from sadness and self-hatred. This came on all on its own, or maybe the stress from school caused it. I have no  idea. Im not sad, but im not anything except tired and over it, everything is a chore.

I dont like doing anything but i dont like doing nothing. i try to do things to energise myself and feel something, i go for walks thinking being outside will help my mental health, doing something, the most i feel is when i walk down the street to the servo and get junk food like iced coffe and donuts. I feel accomplished buying something, until i get home and despise myself for spending money and eating junk food, im so stressed and disappointed it sucks.

We arent poor my dad has just instilled in me a frugality which i hate, i can never be happy when i buy things no matter how much i like them and how happy they make me.

I HATE MYSELF! Thats all i can think when i spend money and yet i do every day, i cant help it. I feel bad if i dont because i think that the thing i want to buy will finally be the thing that makes me feel, but as soon as i do, i feel like shit and every time i use the thing i feel an overwhelming sense of stress over the money it cost and if it was really worth it. Money has been one of my main stressors since i was 8 or so. I refuse to think about money if i can help it because it moves me from no mood to a bad mood.

I have BPD, i know it, my parents dont want to believe it but i know it. i was right about ADHD ASD and anxiety, even through all their doubts. When i know, i know. If i dont have BPD like the ADHD and the ASD then it just means that i am fuck up of my own accord.

Im too tired to fix it so i blame it on a mental condition so i can stop trying to fix it for a bit. I can pretend i have it under control and move it to the back of my mind. Thats why im always at least a little stressed. Thats why i can cry on cue. Someday i will die of a stress-induced heart attack. My brow permanently furrowed because im too mediocre.

*jesus christ that was morbid*

[glorifiedbones]

i moved now and im so worried they wont like me. so far everything is okay but i guess im just waiting for the other shoe to drop. even though everything is okay i cant help but still feel so unsettled. i lay in this bed and look at my desk and stare at the ceiling and something isnt right. im not right. theres something wrong with me. this is wrong. i just want to eat cinnamon bagel. i hate using the bathroom they can hear me pee and it makes me so self conscious and i need to do my laundry but i feel so awkward and i want to shower. honestly i want to jerk off i keep thinking about just fisting my cock and thinking about my fictional characters fucking me and holy shit am i horny but than if i think too long about it i get depressed again and than i dont even want to do anything remotely of the sort. i check my online messages and feel so overwhelmed with needing to respond to people but even just a couple months ago i had triple the amount of people texting me its so weird how i could sort of handle that than but now i cant handle this.

i feel like i traded one miles for another. i dreaded talking to miles and feeling obligated to talk to them and part of me kept talking to them in case they gave me more money. its literally the exact same with this person too i dont want to talk to them quite frankly i want to block them. i feel like an awful person because at first i was so excited to talk to them but now we dont even really talk or chill or vibe or anything. they’re such a nuisance to me i get so uncomfortable around them. and i fucking despise when people keep deleting messages in the fashion they do, how do you demand and expect a conversation from me but fucking delete everything you day before you even give me the chance to reply? like holy shit thats so annoying YOURE so annoying. i felt such immense relief when i finally cut off miles and i didn’t even block him or un-add him i just told him i didn’t want to be friends any more and although he still kept messaging now he’s stopped and i dont even think about it most days. this guy just gosh he’s annoying. some people really dont have friends for a reason its clear as day.

i feel so frustrated and i hate not having a job. like i hate working but jesus not having money to spend is god awful and i already spent money i shouldn’t have. i havent worked in ages but i already spent 101$ and i need to stop. i need to control myself. worse because only 1 of those dollars went to me. gosh i want to scream. i feel so frustrated and i miss my cat. im so worried he wont get along with the other cats.

i want to chew my bails and hide under my bed and curl into a ball and i want to rip my skin and nails and hair off and i hate the way my body and skin feels. i hate looking down and seeing my stomach and chest and legs and arms and feet and hands and i hate looking in the mirror when im naked and seeing my thighs and back and ass and i just hate the way i look. im worried when i get another haircut it wont be good as this one now and im worried that one day ill make my family so upset they want to kick me out or demand i go back home and live with my mother.

i hate hugging that man and i dont want to see or hear or look at him again and i hate his lectures and his tones and inflections and seeing his stuff around the house and i dont like him i dont want to forgive him for what he did to me and i dont think i should have too and there are some days i think im over what happened and others its all i can think about and i feel so fucking dirty and disgusting and i wish he had hone away but instead i had to go away i always have to go away and be pushed to the sidelines and im waiting for the day that someone picks me and chooses me wholly first over someone else. i want to be the first pick.

i want to fall in love but i dont want to live long enough to let it happen because i swear to god im going to have to be thirty five or forty before i find someone whos interested in me and im not even twenty five yet. i hate living. i dont want to be here anymore. theres so much pressure to do things and even though i just sit and play games most of the time the pressure is caving in all around me. i wait for the other shoe to drop because eventually it will and all i can do is hope that im prepared for the day it slams down.

i need to be ready and im not. i dont think i could hold a job down even if i wanted to. i cant hold a relationship im so annoying and undesirable and not even in a self deprecating way in a i know that am i ugly? no but im not attractive im not cute or pretty or hot or handsome i just am average and normal and i exist.

i wish i could have lost my virginity to her. reddit girl. to be so close i could touch her skin and look in her eyes and her hair and feel her warmth. i always mess everything up. shes so pretty and shes my friend and im okay with being friends. im more than willing to accept being friends. but it doesn’t mean i dont wish some things turned out a different way. part of me makes it hopeful that if someone as beautiful and perfect as her could have been interested in me for a time makes me wonder if i have a chance at all. but than im reminded that even though im average and surround myself with desirable people that doesn’t mean im desirable. i should never make that mistake. i wont.

its one thing to be confident to think you could get everyone you were interested in. its another to recognize no matter how nice i dress or how much money i offer to shell out or how desperate i am for a real connection that im picky and wont settle for less than not what i deserve but what i want. no matter these things i wont see the light at the end of the tunnel. and i dont deserve these things, i desire them immensely. i want i want i want i want i want and i feel as if i always take but somehow i take the things i dont truly want.

i miss reddit girl and i miss mcdonalds girl and i miss tumblr girl and i miss discord boy and i miss i miss i miss i miss but i cant reach out in those ways and these people never wanted me the way i want them. i want marriage and happiness and perfect ending and i remember in ST how steve mentions wanting six little nuggets and although i dont want six kids i could picture myself living on a farm with my wife and two brats who get a southern drawl or midwestern farm accent because we live in the middle of nowhere and we have two cows and a white picket fence and a wrap around porch. i picture living in a city apartment and having out first kids and our first pet and cooking together in our small kitchen flat and the neighbor to our right is so fucking loud but every-time we hear them argue we press our heads to the walls to hear what they’re saying and giggle about it later with each other. i never picture myself growing old because i dont believe ill live that long, but than again i always picture killing myself when i was eighteen.

i didn’t make plans for anything because they all consistent of my family burying my corpse, maybe pouring out a glass for me on the first year but never again after that, my mom would argue about the bills of the funeral costs and maybe she would be sad for a little while but eventually shed get over it. they’d all get over it. im a forgettable person im not significant and im not a key family member i just exist and take up resources. i wish i succeeded when i was younger. when i was fifteen and sixteen. but i still managed to bungle that one up so i swore id slice my skin open and than i was sixteen when i tried for the first time and i dont know why i didn’t again after that.

it didn’t feel particularly bad and i remember how delicious the cut felt when it rubbed against my jean clad legs. i remember that year i wore a nice suit to my homecoming. the last homecoming. the last time i danced with a pretty bird. and maybe its selfish of me but i wish i had more time i wish i enjoyed the party more i wish i still talked to those people i wish i wish i wish i wish

i dont always wish i was dead anymore per say i just wish i didn’t exist. i hate the fact that i exist and still make all these mistakes and i hate that i dont know things and i hate that my future will either be my cold corpse or be me living to work until the day and i did and it wont even be at a cool place either itll be somewhere i hate that makes me stand on my feet all day and my body will be in constant pain twenty four seven but im scraping by already so i cant call off and i wont have friends and i wont have a wife ill live in a one bedroom apartment because im too broke to own a house and ill be lucky if i get my own washer and dryer in there and my bathroom sink will be slightly broken and i wont cry myself to sleep because i wont have the energy and i wont kill myself because ill keep telling myself it’ll get better one day it’ll get better one day it’ll get better one day but it wont not really ill work up until the day i die. ill be forty two with a mountain of debt, probably a manager at walmart because the target wouldn’t hire me, and ill think back to the time i was seventeen making a grilled cheese on my eighteenth birthday watching selling sunset all by myself and itll be the same only ill be forty two turning forty three and ill be an alcoholic neck beard because i wont have friends and all i do is work sleep and play games on my computer and pay bills and think about killing myself but too chicken shit because if i fail i wont have enough money to cover the cost of the medical bills

sometimes i think about gouging my eyes out and i wish i was interesting enough for a serial killer to take notice of me and put me out of my misery. i feel pathetic because my life isn’t even that bad! i have a good life. i just only seem to waste good opportunities. im never quite going to be good enough im just always going to exist painfully and regretfully and i really wish i would just slit my wrists and jump into a random body of water because if i dont bleed out to death ill drown because i dont know how to swim

you know i seriously considered killing myself again the other month. i really did think about grabbing a knife from the block and slitting my throat in the bathtub so it would be easier to clean and the only reason i didn’t was because my aunt had already out a deposit down on my birthday present and i would feel bad because it’d be too expensive and just a waste of money. i have to keep finding little things to keep myself alive over but its so exhausting. because whats next after this birthday present? i dont have things planned and i dont have friends and i dont have a job or money or a future. the only future i have is pathetic. im pathetic.

i hate that i wont actually just do it either. she just bought groceries and all i can think about is i can starve because because shed just have wasted 368$ on groceries so i have to eat them. i just want to cut my skin and i dont even think i have an excuse to not do it anymore i just have procrastinated it. part of me wants to gorge out on everything just so i can make sure it wasn’t a waste but i already didn’t finish eating that large Wendy’s french fry and i felt so get wrenchingly awful about it. i feel pathetic all i do all day is play games and thirst over fictional people and i wish id just grab myself by the balls and go do something about making the life i want to live a reality but i dont. i never end up doing anything right.

i feel like im just being dramatic at this point there are so much bigger issues in the world than mine. my minuscule ones that pale in comparison to the tragedies of the world but it fucking sucks because this is MY world this is the life i have to live with everyday and be okay with and deal with. i wish i had the drive and passion that i see others do on social media that sure struggling through this but ultimately work hard to get what they want and they dont stop until they do. in theory that could be me! i have the capabilities to do things! and yet i dont. i just sit here in this bed thinking ‘poor me’ and whining about how ‘im depressed’ and ‘no one likes me’ it’s so fucking annoying truly. i feel like i was more depressed when i was younger so how can i be now? and i hate pitying myself because i dont deserve it and i hate when i say no one likes me because people do like me but it feels more like they’re obligated to like me and not there because they genuinely want to be which is a whole other mind fuck but still. people talk to me. i have a few online friends. my family talk to me. maybe that’s it but still. but still. but still. but still i feel the way i do anyways.

im gonna go make a cinnamon bagel now i think

[kitkatpancakestack]

First of all, the audacity of 911. Because my feelings about Joni and River? Cannot be sufficiently articulated. Pairing that song with Eddie Diaz? Just an overwhelming cascade of emotions.

Probably on any other show, I would just roll my eyes at using River in a Christmas ep. (Tell me you don't get this song without telling me you don't get this song.)

But the high-key geniuses of the 911 music team? Once those minor-key-Jingle-Bells started, during what was essentially a hopeful moment? The reveal of the 118 throwing the temporarily homeless families a Christmas party? Oh? Oh... This is what we're doing? Oh boy... We're in it now huh?

He tried hard to help me, you know he put me at ease | I'm so hard to handle, I'm selfish and I'm sad. Now I've gone and lost the best baby that I ever had...The way this is BOTH of them? And then the added dimension of the Taylor of it all and knowing Buck is going to be the one to end it? Galaxy brain shit.

Also you cannot tell me that in moments of melancholy — which, this is Eddie Diaz we're talking about so there are...a lot of those moments — when Chris is asleep, you cannot tell me Eddie doesn't close the door to his depressing, beige bedroom, put on his little headphones and wallow in Blue.

Don't tell me Eddie doesn't listen to the epic yearning in A Case of You and cry about Evan Buckley...

Basically, I have headcanoned for a while that Eddie Diaz secretly loves Joni Mitchell and I am feeling extremely validated. (Forcing himself to be straight Eddie will love Joni in secret. Queer Eddie? Will cry unapologetically when he plays it for Buck and explains what each song has meant to him. And Chris when he's old enough to get it.)

Happy Sunday morning! You get ramblings about Joni and Eddie in your inbox. (In my defense you started it...)

@yramesoruniverse you? Coming into my inbox? To talk about Eddie Diaz and Joni Mitchell? Did Christmas come early?

Lol, jokes aside, it absolutely was an insane choice! And in the hands of 9-1-1 I immediately perked up bc of course it means something, the music department never misses. And as soon as it starts you just get the oh fuck what's about to happen feeling and that was such a rockstar move. I'm screaming. Also my tin hat may be on a little too tight but the fact that it was a cover, that it was a man singing the cover, felt pointed? Idk idk there's something to it I think.

Eddie + loving Joni Mitchell is my new favorite hc and I'm flinging myself off a cliff at the thought of him curled on his side in bed listening to Blue and just sinking. Jesus.

I cannot believe you've been in your Eddie Diaz/Joni Mitchell feels for so long and are just now bringing it up. Smh. I could have been wallowing in your beautiful Headcanons.

Anyway. This show is unhinged, they make Choices, etc etc. March my beloathed why are you so far away.

[flashflashhundredyarddash]

flashfam and birdflash because im WEAKKK

so barry and iris take wally in because rudy is a FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT

lets imagine this happens early teens or so

wally never even comes out to his dad because he just. Knows exactly what his parents would think

he kind of. subtly tried to bring it up with his mom but she made her opinion Pretty Damn Clear so wally is like great this is awesome

as a result of both the superspeed + switching cities + adhd wally has practically 0 friends growing up which really concerns barry and iris

so barry is like, babe, i have a fantastic idea, im going to set up a playdate with batmans kid

and iris is like I GUESS

(also the way wally behaves in a relationship is 100% modeled after barry and iris because they literally have the perfect relationship. see exhibit a) babe as a pet name)

((this is also probably why hes a little upset when he finds out about barry and hal because its like. you think you understand your parents and then they hit you with this massive bombshell that kind of forces you to change your whole perception of them? and even though nobodys done anything wrong its still really upsetting? and maybe if wally had known earlier that barry was bi wally wouldnt have been so fucking stressed out about coming out?))

anyways. robin and kid flash playdate. a meeting for the ages.

wally gets a crush like. right away but doesnt realize so he oscillates WILDLY between being REALLY nice to robin and also being kind of fucking mean lol wally was very much pulling robins pigtails

like one day wally shares half his ants on a log that iris made him with robin and then the next he puts gum in robins hair and robin cries while alfred cuts it out

robin is like UGH kid flash is SO MEAN and bruce is like you dont have to hang out with him and robin is like NO IM GONNA

wally gets out of the mean phase quickly though lol

barry and iris realize right away its a crush and are like aw cute but then it... doesnt go away... ever...

so then they go REALLY hard on the PFLAG thing and keep like brochures and pride flags EVERYWHERE which actually does make wally a lot more comfortable

when wally comes out they all cry lol

wally calls barry and iris uncle and aunt but when hes much older he switches between aunt/uncle and mom and dad

anyways when dick leaves bruce/is fired/complicated feeling stuff dick spends most of his time at titans tower BUT also spends a significant amount of time at barry and iris' place

because the westallen household is adhd central, dick actually learns a lot of tips for dealing with his own adhd from them

dick is trying to Figure out his place in the world so he actually gets really into the journalism scene for a while because of both iris and clark

iris: hi this is my nephew, dick, hes my intern :)

clark: no, this is MY nephew, hes MY intern :)

lois bugs bunny meme: OUR nephew-intern

wally Does Not get it at all bcus he is 100% a STEM kid but hes still like i support you babe :^)

barry and iris LOVE dick. dick doesnt really open up about his situation but they kind of get the gist so barry is like. really annoyed with batman whenever they have to work together

iris writes a very scathing series of articles about the batman of gotham and dick is very vindictively pleased

dick actually finds out about hal and barry first bcus he comes downstairs and theyre making out on the couch and and dick is like UHHHH and halbarry are like UHHHHHHHH and dick is like I AM CALLING IRIS RIGHT FUCKING NOW and halbarry are like NO ITS COOL

iris is like. Mom supreme. dick for the past decade has had like no mother figures (selina doesnt really count because her and bruce are messyyyyy) so he both really wants iris's affection and also gets really overwhelmed by it

also barry. like, isnt emotionally constipated? wally tells dick that the west allens have weekly dinners where they talk about whats up with them and their feelings and dick is like aw thats cute and then wally is like dick u should join us and dick is like WAIT NO THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT

so dick is now required to be at family dinners once a month and talk about his feelings which is both exhausting and liberating

barry cries at the wedding and iris is like I Am Not Crying How Dare You Imply That I Am.

bruce and iris. the most begrudging in-laws. everytime bruce sees iris hes immediately reminded of the phrase "The Batman is a violent, depressed loner who gets his thrills by beating up homeless people and drug addicts." and its like jesus fucking christ iris way to gut the man

iris 100% uses the fact that shes dick graysons mother-in-law aunt-in-law to get sources. its a dog-eat-dog world out there, kid.

dick adores the twins bcus he loves babies

wally gets SO annoyed by bart its very funny to dick. wally and dick both grew up as only children but dick has had more time to adjust to having siblings so hes much more fond of bart than wally initially is

[companionjones]

I’m Afraid That I’m Hurting You

Pairing: BBC Sherlock Holmes x Reader

Fandom: BBC Sherlock

Summary: Sherlock is in your room when you wake up, and he starts doing things like kissing you on your cheek and cooking you a meal... That is very out of character for him.

Warnings: Depression, dark thoughts

*******

    When your consciousness came back to you again, you resented the feeling. That would’ve been the sixth time you had woken up in the past 12 hours. You figured if you were normal, you would’ve given up by then, but you just didn’t want to wake up yet. You wouldn’t say it out loud, but you didn’t think you wanted to wake up at all that day.

    That was, until you were laying on Sherlock’s chest. “What the hell?” You raised your head to see the consulting detective typing a text out to John on his phone. You didn’t look to see what the text said. “What are you doing down here?”

    You were referring to your apartment. A few months prior, you had moved into 221C Baker Street. You did so to help Sherlock on cases, be close to him, and hopefully be distracted from all the dark thoughts in your head.

    Speaking of the ladder, Sherlock distracted you from your thoughts just then. He responded, “We’re spending the day inside today.”

    “Wha...Don’t we still need to figure out who stole Van Gogh?” You rubbed your eyes, then propped yourself up on your elbows.

    He still had not looked up from his phone. “Found it. Returned it.”

    “When?”

    “9am. Right when I told you we’d leave.”

    A rush of adrenaline hit you. “What? What time is it?” You reached over Sherlock to check your phone. The time read 5pm. “Jesus Christ. I slept through the whole day? Fuck. I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry.”

    Sherlock tossed his phone onto your nightstand. “You not being there held no hindrance to how I operated.” He moved to sit up straight.

    “ ‘Course it didn’t.” You glanced at him. You rubbed your face, then hid your face in your hands.

    It took Sherlock a moment to respond. “That’s...not what I meant. Y/n, I believe I have overwhelmed you these past few weeks with my cases. I think you’d benefit by spending a day or two inside the flat. I’d like to keep you company.”

    You cleared your face, then leaned on one of your hands. You observed Sherlock for a moment, checking for any hesitancy in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” you repeated yourself.

    He shook his head. “You sound like a broken record. There’s no need for that.” Sherlock leaned forward and kissed your cheek, and got off your bed. The consulting detective walked toward your kitchen.

    “What the hell was that for?” You put a hand on your cheek and tried to hide your smile from Sherlock.

    Kissing you in any way was very out of character for Sherlock. So was fiddling around in your kitchen for seemed like non-experimental purposes. Sherlock seemed to want to cook you something.

    “And what exactly the hell are you doing?” You hopped off your bed as well and approached the man with a smile.

    Matter-of-factly, Sherlock told you, “I am going to make you something.”

    “To eat?” came your confused response.

    He closed your fridge and turned to you. “Yes. What else would I make you in your kitchen?”

    “I don’t know...some kind of chemical that you want to check for side-effects on me?” You added when you saw Sherlock about to argue, “Don’t say that’s impossible. You tried it last week.”

    A smile flickered across his face. “I promise I’m here to cook you a proper meal.”

    “Do you know how to do that?” you smiled as you sat on a counter.

    Sherlock found some workable ingredients in one of your cabinets. “We’ll see.”

    You and Sherlock spent the afternoon making dinner. After a few close calls involving the fire extinguisher, the two of you finally had something edible.

    “It won’t kill us,” Sherlock commented upon his first bite.

    You took a few bites yourself, but something was bugging you. “Sherlock,” you finally voiced , “for lack of better words, why have you been so nice to me today?”

    He didn’t look up from his meal. “What could you mean?”

    “One example could be when you climbed into bed with me. Normally, you’d just drag me out if I slept too long during a case.”

    Calmly, Sherlock put his fork down. Still not looking up, he responded, “I’m afraid that I’m hurting you.”

    “Hurting me?”

    Sherlock finally looked at you. “I first noticed you were depressed when we met.”

    You cringed when he used the ‘d’ word.

    He continued, “I also saw that you were clever. I agreed with you in thinking that maybe my cases could help you forget about your thoughts.”

    You never told him that. You tried not to let it bother you that he knew.

    “Anyway, it works for me. But I see now that we are different people. You need different things to help you feel better. I’m starting to realize I do just the opposite for you.”

    “That’s not true.” You reached across the table to take his hand in yours. “Sherlock, my time with you has been the best of my life. I don’t want to give it up for anything. Let’s just...se how I feel after these couple days. It’s not like I can lie to you, right?”

    Sherlock seemed unconvinced. “...Right.”

    He stayed with you into the night. He made a big deal about you getting some proper sleep, but you told him that since you got up so late, your body probably wouldn’t et you sleep until late, too. Sherlock very much disagreed with that. The two of you continued to disagree as Sherlock pulled you into bed with him.

    You and Sherlock had slept in the same bed before. Sometimes it was because only one bed was nearby and you and Sherlock were about to collapse from exhaustion; other times it was because either you or Sherlock were ill or suffering from nightmares, and the other climbed into bed to comfort their...is partner the right word?

    Neither of you liked putting a label on your relationship, even as Sherlock held you in his arms on your bed.

    As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you had a feeling Sherlock was going to be right again. Just being in his arms, in bed, with a full stomach was more than enough to lull you toward sleep again.

    “Hey, Sherlock?” you murmured when you were only half conscious.

    “Yes,” he replied lowly.

    “Thank you,” you sighed. Then, just before you fell asleep, you heard yourself whisper, “...I love you.”

*******

Author’s Note: Thank you for reading! Fill up that heart and reblog if you liked it! I would also really appreciate a comment, if you have the time. If you would like to read more, I have more BBC Sherlock fics over on my page, you should check it out. Have a nice day, night, or whatever time it is for you! <3 <3 <3

[brookecuzyes]

three years of you. — tear myself apart

Damiano David x GN!Musician!Reader

Main Masterlist — 3yrs Masterlist

Summary: it’s only been a couple of days, which were full of tears and regret. however, that regret wasn’t on their part until a simple comment was made. (Part 3 of a series)

Word Count: ≈3.4k

Warnings: cursing, alcohol intake, angst (Anyone drinking alcohol in this chapter is of the legal drinking age in the United States, which is 21.)

A/N: thank y’all for reading! this has already gained a lot of readers and so i am happy about that. love you guys sm 💕 songs included in this fic are not mine. any characters mentioned are not mine, and belong to their respected owners. and ofc, i don’t own the celebrities either. i do check comments/reblogs, so please be respectful!!

———————————————————————-

You’ve got this, you can do it.

You tried consoling yourself. Normally, he would be here to help calm you down— or at least call if he could physically be there. He’d be there if you were about to have a panic attack, he’d be there to make sure that you were OK.

But you aren’t.

An entire audience full of strangers who listened to the songs, who listened to your heartbreak. Now, they get to watch your heart break live.

He wouldn’t— no, couldn’t— be there to comfort you. He couldn’t be there to tell you that everything will be fine. He fucked up, he’s the one who messed up that relationship…

“…then why did you show up?”

——

Glasses clinked. Chatter was taking place all around. Honestly, it was a little overwhelming.

You sat down at the booth with the whole band. Saturday had rolled around, which you hadn’t noticed since you were lost in an almost depressive state where time was non-existent. However, the karaoke bar definitely woke you up.

“Alright, guys,” Luke, the lead guitarist, said, holding a couple of drinks in his hands. “Tonight is the night! The tradition kicks in once again, and Monday we start recording. Let’s celebrate and relax.” Julie, the lead singer and the girlfriend of Luke, followed behind him, setting more drinks down on the table. Flynn, the unofficial manager of the band, let out a loud, “woo!”, making everyone laugh. All of you grabbed a glass and clinked them together, all taking a sip at the same time. Your face crunched when you processed the drink.

“Jesus, Luke, what is this?” you questioned.

“Alcohol,” he said blatantly.

“Yeah, no shit,” you shot back, shaking off the effects.

“I just said that we’re relaxing— that’s exactly what alcohol does!”

“Or maybe you're just an alcoholic?” Alex joked, taking a sip of his drink.

“I don’t drink that much.” Luke defended.

“That’s what an alcoholic would say.” The whole band started laughing at the ongoing banter. It isn’t often when Alex made witty remarks like that, and everyone always enjoyed it when he did.

On another note, you felt as if you absolutely needed this drink. Given what’s been going on this last week, you felt like you deserved it. Though, you knew you’d regret this tomorrow. You knew Alex was keeping an eye out for you. The rest of the band didn’t know yet, they just knew that something happened, which is why you left Italy so early. They were all confused, but didn’t ask upon it when Alex glared daggers at them when they tried. So, thankfully, they did back off. But, it doesn’t mean that they weren’t concerned.

You had been talking, making it seem as if everything was fine, but Alex’s heart broke when he picked up on it. However, with the alcohol about to course through your veins, it would be harder from him to be able to pick up on whether you were drunk or going through it. Regardless, he was going to make sure that you were having fun and not thinking about your ex.

“Hey,” Flynn said, “why don’t we start the karaoke? I think we all have enough alcohol in our systems to do this.”

“I vote for Alex to go first!” You said, raising your hand. “Do Micheal Bublé.”

“Woah, hold up, I never even said-“

“It doesn’t matter. What I say goes. Now go.” He sighed, laughing as he stood up from the booth. He went over to the guy and told him what song he wanted to do. They got everything set up, and Alex got on stage.

“Let’s go, Alex!” You cheered on, making him smile and blush just a bit— though that wasn’t entirely visible from where you guys decided to sit.

The song started playing, and Alex started singing. It took you a few seconds to recognize the song but you figured it out.

“Oh, he’s singing Feeling Good. I love that song,” you whispered to Reginald, the bassist, who was sitting next to you. He looked to you over his shoulder, smiling. He hadn’t seen you so “out there” since you got back. It was nice to see you getting back to normal. Though, he didn’t actually know why you weren’t normal to begin with.

And I’m feeling… good.

You cheered Alex on again, dancing along to the beat with the whole band. Alex didn’t sing much, but when he did you cherished those moments. That’s why he songs Now or Never and Stand Tall on the band’s very first album are your favorite.

“God, I love his voice,” Reggie said, as if he read your mind.

“Yeah, and look at him,” you pointed out the way his body is moving with the music. The way he was just lost in a musical haze. It was enchanting. “That’s what his anxiety covers up.”

Alex soon finished, hopping off of the stage with an embarrassed smile on his face.

“Oh, don’t be embarrassed, babe,” you said, noticing his expression. “That was the best performance tonight by far. Not even Julie could compare to how amazing that was.”

“Thanks, Y/N,” she said, drawing out the ‘thanks’ in a sarcastic way. You raised your glass to her.

“Anytime, Jules,” you replied, raising your eyebrow and taking a sip. She laughed, letting the comment you made slip— for now at least.

“Hey, I have an idea!” Flynn exclaimed. “How about we take a couple photos and post them to our accounts? Y’know, to celebrate this very special moment.” Everyone collectively agreed. Pictures were taken left and right— and others were taken throughout the night, too— and each person had a different photo that they were each going to post. You had decided that you were going to post yours now, not wanting to forget later on tonight or tomorrow.

You captioned it:

Just continuing a small tradition tonight with music and alcohol. maybe if he lets me, i’ll post Alex singing Feeling Good 😏🤍

It was perfect and you posted it, after letting everyone see it to make sure it was OK. Within minutes people already saw it and were liking and commenting. You made sure to turn your phone off before it started going crazy. Julie and Luke decided to go up and do a duet with each other. They choose Little Do You Know. Their voices were beautiful singing the song. They mashed just so perfectly. You recorded them, knowing that you would 100% show them this at their wedding. (They aren’t engaged, but it’s bound to happen sooner or later.)

You weren’t paying attention to the notifications spamming the top of your screen, though you did look back once to see if the camera was aligned with their bodies. That’s when you saw a specific notification. One thing that you absolutely forgot when you posted that photo was that Måneskin could still see your posts. The only reason you remembered was because Victoria responded to your post.

Ahhh you look amazing!!!😘

The second you saw it, you put your head in your hands, mentally slapping yourself. If Victoria saw it, then the rest of the band is going to see, meaning Damiano would see it. Fuck, you thought to yourself.

“Hey, Y/N, are you alright?” Alex asked, placing a hand on your arm. You looked up at him showing him the comment. “I don’t understand.”

“Victoria commented. Meaning Damiano’s probably gonna see it.”

“Not if he’s blocked.”

“I didn’t block him, we’re still mutuals.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, Alex. Maybe I just haven’t gotten to it yet.” You realized the angered tone in your voice, not meaning to be rude to Alex. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.”

“No, it’s okay. Hey, maybe if he does end up seeing it, he’ll just be jealous. Damiano will see everything he’s missing out on.”

“What is Damiano missing out on?” Julie asked, sitting back down with Luke.

“Oh, it’s nothing-“ Alex started, but you cut him off.

“I left Italy because Damiano was talking to another girl. It caused too many problems, so I left.” Everyone went silent. Everyone’s eyes softened at you, unsure of what to say.

“Y/N…”

“It’s fine. I’m here now. It doesn’t matter.” Silence fell once again, especially on Alex’s behalf. He knew you weren’t fine, he knew it mattered— whether you said it or not. “Sorry if I kinda killed tonight’s vibe.”

“N-No, you’re fine,” Reggie said. “You did nothing wrong.”

“Yeah, you didn’t ruin anything. I am glad that you told us, though. We’ve been worried.” Luke said, putting his arms on the table and leaning forward just a bit. You felt your phone vibrate but didn’t think anything of it— probably just another person on Instagram.

“Sorry that I made you guys worry. I just wasn’t sure how to bring it up. It’s just been a hard couple of days. This shit isn’t easy,” you explained, mumbling the last part. Everyone stayed silent, none wanting to make something worse.

“Luke, why don’t you and the guys go grab some food?” Julie suggested, placing a hand on Luke’s back, turning her attention back to you.

“Oh, yeah. Guys, let’s go,” Luke said, getting the hint. The boys got up and left, each giving you a sympathetic look. The girls, on the other hand, all stayed behind.

“Alright, listen up,” Flynn started. “Tonight is not the night to mope around. You can do that tomorrow when you’re hungover.”

“Right now,” Julie jumped in, “you’re gonna forget about that asshole, get your ass out there, and sing your heart out, dammit!” Your eyes widened at the girls’ sternness. A smile started creeping from your lips, Julie and Flynn following behind you. Soon enough, the three of you started laughing your asses off.

“Ok, ok, I’m convinced. I’ll have fun tonight. Thanks,” you said, trying to shake off the laughter so you can speak. You grabbed your drink, taking a sip of it. It was the same drink Luke got you earlier. Damn it, Luke. You shook your head to shake off the kick the drink had. Flynn chuckled at your antics, taking a sip of her, not as strong, drink. The guys soon came back with some snack-type items in their hands.

“Are we all good now?” Alex asked, setting down the plate on the table and looking your way.

“Yep, we’re all good now,” Julie answered, taking a sip of her drink. You chuckle at her, reaching for some of the food on the table. “But, Y/N’s about to sing for us.”

“Woah, wait, now?”

“What did I say? You’re gonna sing your heart out.”

You groaned, slumping back in your set in a joking— yet, not entirely joking— way. “Julie, I didn’t realize that you meant right now.”

“Ok, so? Get up there, Y/N! C’mon it’ll be fun.” You contemplated. I should go, you thought, it could be fun.

“Fine, I’ll go,” you announced, getting up from your seat. Reggie and Flynn got up from theirs so you could get out. When you got up, you turned to Reginald.

“C’mon, you’re doing this with me,” you said, grabbing his arm and dragging him over to the guy supervising the karaoke.

“I didn’t really wanna sing right now. Nerves, y’know?” Reggie explained.

“So? Reggie, I get that nerves are real, but there’s no way in hell I’m doing this alone.” You opened up a book full of songs, and was going through the selection.

“Why couldn’t you just get someone else?”

“Because I think our voices clash very well together.” You turned your head to him and gave him a smile. He shyly smiled back. You looked back at the book and held it up to Reggie. “What about this one?” you asked, pointing to a song. Reggie read it and smiled.

“Yeah, let’s do it,” he said, grabbing the pen and marking off the song and writing your names. You stood back, waiting for him to finish. When he did, he turned around.

“Alright, I’ve got us down. Wanna head up?” He asked, holding his hand out with a playful smile.

“Let’s do it,” you said, grabbing a hold of his hand, him taking you up the stairs and into the stage.

When you walked up, you saw the screen in front of you turn on, switching to the lyrics of the song. The lights were bright, but it wasn’t anything you weren’t used to. You saw some people stare at you, but it was mainly the rest of the band. Reginald walked to the microphone set up on the far left, you took the other. The song started playing, immediately relaxing you. Maybe this isn’t as bad as I thought. The song you chose was a favorite of you and Reggie— Meet Me At Our Spot. Of course, the band loved it too, but they got bored with it after a while since you two were always blasting it wherever you went. You actually had some inspiration from this song and wrote a little tune, but you had no lyrics at the moment.

When I wake up

I cant even stay up

I slept through the day, fuck

I’m not getting younger

——

“Victoria, you don’t understand-“

“No, you don’t understand, Damiano!” Victoria raised her voice at him. They never argued. They’ve known each other since childhood and nothing had ever caused an issue, except for this.

“I did nothing wrong.”

“Really? ‘Cause it looks to me that you broke your lovers heart.”

“Y/N left me,” he said, trying to reason.

“They might have physically left, but, Damiano, you were gone a long time ago.” She started towards the front door of his house, grabbing her keys.

“Where are you going?” Damiano asked.

“Home. But, let me tell you something first, Dami.” She put her hand on the doorknob. “It doesn’t matter how you try to defend yourself, you fucked up. You broke Y/N’s heart. You were talking to someone else. The damage is done. If you’re gonna try and get them back, you’re gonna have to try really damn hard. You want to get Y/N back, right?”

Silence followed. Victoria gave him a second to compose himself, but ultimately feared the worst. “Dami…”

“I mean, yeah, but-“

“No buts. You shouldn’t be saying ‘but’, you have no reason to.” Damiano just looked at her. “Wow… unbelievable.” Victoria opened the door and walked out, slamming the door behind her. Damiano walked up to the door and locked it. He headed back to the living room and heard his phone ding. He picked it up and saw that you had posted a photo.

Just continuing a small tradition tonight with music and alcohol. maybe if he lets me, i’ll post Alex singing Feeling Good 😏🤍

He sighed. He unlocked his phone, and went to go see the photo you posted. You looked nice. Happy. What was the tradition again?

Right, karaoke. The weekend before the band records an album, everyone goes to a karaoke bar. He scrolled down a bit and saw a comment. He saw Victoria’s comment.

Ahhh you look amazing!!!😘

He figured that she saw the post before she pulled out of his driveway. He debated on what he should do.

Yeah, he fucked up. But, it really wasn’t that bad. It’s not like he cheated. It was just talking. He wanted to tell you that you look great, but wasn’t sure how you would feel about it. Like Y/N would care what I think, he thought to himself. You never broke up, though. Plus, he needs to know what’s going on, how you’re doing. He’s concerned. Couldn’t be the worst thing— it’s not like the internet knows yet.

Ok, I’ll just just comment.

——

Caught a vibe

Baby, are you coming for the ride

I just wanna look into your eyes

I just wanna stay for the night, night, night

You and Reginald were jamming out to the song, as per usual. Everyone was loving it, even the rest of the band. It was the most fun you’ve had in a hot second.

When we take a drive

Maybe we can take the 405

Hypnotized by the light

Man, this must be the life

As the song ended, everyone cheered you two on. You went over and hugged Reggie on his side, him giving a small hug back. You guys walked back to your booth, the whole band full of excitement. Alex got up from his seat and let the two of you in, you sitting in the corner of the booth.

“That was amazing!” Luke exclaimed.

“Thanks, we had fun,” Reggie said, practically reading your mind.

“Definitely.”

“Your voices go so well together,” Flynn remarked.

“That’s exactly what I said!” you said, hitting Reginald’s shoulder so he knows your point is proven.

“Ok, we don’t have to be violent about it,” he joked, smirking just a bit.

“Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna go to the restroom real quick. I’ll be back,” you said, waiting for Alex and Reggie to stand up so you can go. You grabbed your phone, stood up, and made your way to the restroom. When you got to the restroom, you went to one of the stalls but checked your phone before you did anything else. However, you almost immediately regretted it because you saw that Damiano had commented on your photo.

What the hell does he want?

You read what he had commented, and, honestly, you wanted to laugh.

You look great tonight, as you do every night, amore

You couldn’t believe it. Amore, really? you thought to yourself. You looked up from your phone, looking at the stall door. You contemplated what to do next:

For starters, keeping the comment wouldn’t be out of the norm for your followers. They knew about you and Damiano. However, if you deleted (which you really wanted to do), everyone would notice. People would speculate. Or, you could just go off on Damiano privately. That would be too harsh. But, this is your account— your decision. Do you want to have your cheater boyfriend compliment you the way he did?

You know what, do it later, you thought, turning off your phone and finally, actually, using the restroom.

Once you finished, you exited the stall and walked over to the sinks. You washed your hands, not able to get that damn comment off of your mind.

You walked out of the restroom and back over to the booth, but you didn’t sit down.

“Alex,” you said, standing next to him. “Can I talk to you?” He looked up at you, unsure of what you wanted to talk about, but got up anyway. You grabbed his hand and pulled him outside.

When you two got out there, you sat down on a bench, Alex following your move.

“Is everything alright?” You opened your phone and went to Instagram, showing Alex to comment Damiano left. “Oh.”

“Yeah. I just don’t know what to do, and it is tearing me apart. Do I delete it? Do I keep it? Do I argue with him?”

“Delete the comment, and, Y/N, please, block him on social media. You don’t have to block his number, but you should block him everywhere else.”

“Why not his number,” you asked.

“Because you need closure. At some point, you’re gonna want to text him or call him and try to get some understanding as to why he did what he did. You haven’t actually broken up yet. Maybe that’s how you finish off?”

After a moment of contemplation (again), you nodded your head slowly.

“Ok. Yeah, ok, I’ll do that.” You lowered your head and searched through your following to find Damiano’s account. You clicked the three dots at the top, and looked for the block button.

“You sure this is the right thing to do?”

“Yes. Want me to do it?”

“No, no, it’s fine. I can do it.”

You looked at the button for a second. You’ve never even thought of blocking him before. I’m your mind, he was the one. Now? Well, you’re blocking him because he cheated on you, so obviously your idea of him completely shifted.

I can do this.

Your hands started shaking slightly, your heart was beating like crazy.

I can do this.

Slowly, you moved your finger over the button.

Click it, it’ll be fine.

And, so, you did. You clicked the button.

You felt free.

———————————————————————-

Taglist for 3yrs — i’m so sorry if i couldn’t tag you!*

@mywritingonlyfans @nientedaridere @pingpongchamps @fairysums @kkjk @blackbluerose666 @thatmeganthing @teenyweenynightghost @ccweasley @lilchickie @katyldamusic @fanfictioncafe @tiaamberxx @butkutee @aboredassho @story-scribbler

*(for those who want to be tagged, please have stuff posted onto your blog and make sure that your blog isn’t censored <3)

[yoddream]

You and Jeno were the best of friends. Growing up together, you saw each other’s good and bad moments, learned every flaw, and knew every fact. It was hard to separate the two of you, even in high school. You even started attending the same college. There wasn’t a single friend one had that the other didn’t.

Then, Jeno got a girlfriend.

There was nothing wrong with Yeeun. She was an absolute sweetheart and was always so nice to you. She made Jeno really happy, which was all you ever wanted. The problem was that Jeno seemed to give her all his time. It started out small, with him ditching you some days for lunch to have it with her instead. Then, he wouldn’t be able to make it to a hangout with your friends because he was taking her on a date. That turned into him canceling at the last minute. Soon, every lunch was spent with Yeeun. He stopped responding in the group chat as much. Sometimes he would leave you on read.

The last straw was him not showing up to movie night anymore, only to show up the next day with a bunch of hickeys on his neck. Movie nights started when you guys were toddlers. They were sacred and only canceled for emergencies or an illness. If anyone was on vacation, you would FaceTime and watch together. There was no excuse for him to miss movie nights.

That one broke you.

You couldn’t count how many times Jaemin held you as you cried yourself to sleep, knowing you’d practically lost your best friend. You hadn’t hung out with him in a long time, and it felt like a part of you was missing. It was obvious the others were worried about you, but they felt helpless. The bags under your eyes refused to disappear. You ate, but it wasn’t very much. You fell into a deep depression, and they did everything they could to get you out of it.

Were you too reliant on Jeno? Probably, but this wasn’t somebody you’d met recently; this was somebody you’d potty trained with, someone who gave you his stuffed dog when an older kid pushed you off the jungle gym and broke your arm, somebody who knew every secret you had. He was very special to you, and just like that, he was gone.

///

Jeno: hey, wanna get ice cream?

The text stared back at you. You rubbed at your eyes to make sure it wasn’t a dream, and sure enough, it was still on your screen, waiting for a response. You hadn’t showered in almost a week, which you knew annoyed Haechan because he had to smell you all the time since he was your roommate, and your face was covered in acne. You looked like this, and he suddenly wanted to hang out? Normally, you didn’t care how you looked when you hung out with your friends, but this was different. Jeno could see that you weren’t doing well, and you didn’t want that.

Wait.

You knew why he wanted to hang out.

He and Yeeun broke up.

That was the only explanation. Why else would he try to make plans? The last time you hung out alone was almost three months ago. You really only saw him when the group made plans and he wasn’t canceling to be with Yeeun. Why you, though? Why not the whole group?

You: yeah gimme an hour

When he sent a thumbs up emoji, you threw your phone down and raced to the bathroom. You took extra time in the shower to make sure everything was washed and fresh before getting out. Once you were dressed, you put on makeup, making sure to cover all the acne on your face. After deeming yourself presentable, you texted Jeno to ask where you were going for ice cream. He suggested the place near your apartment, so you grabbed your things and headed out, glad that Haechan wasn’t there to question you.

The ice cream place wasn’t far, but Jeno still managed to get there before you. As you approached him, you debated giving him a hug or not. It’s been so long, you didn’t know if it was okay anymore. It sounded insane, but his change in behavior made you question every action.

“Hey!” Jeno greeted you with his bright smile. It didn’t quite reach his eyes, but he still looked adorable. You waved to him and reached for the door, but he beat you to it and held it open for you.

The inside of the ice cream shop was cute, with pastel walls and cartoon cows painted on the counter. The tables were a light pink with white legs, and same with the chairs. It was small, but you two loved going there. You ordered and paid before bringing your cups to the table Jeno chose. He thanked you and dug in, not hesitating to eat his feelings.

“So, you and Yeeun broke up?” you asked.

He stopped eating. “How did you know?”

You paused. How could you explain it without either hurting his feelings or getting into an argument? Telling him the truth would surely change the vibe, and not for the better. “...Lucky guess.”

“Huh. Well, yeah. She broke up with me. I don’t even know why, though. She refused to tell me,” he explained, stabbing his spoon into his ice cream. “Like, was it something I did? Is it something I need to work on so that my next relationship lasts?”

“You think you won’t get back together?” you questioned.

He shrugged. “I mean, if she wants to, then I will, but that’s also if I still want to date her by the time she decided. It just sucks, because I thought things were going well. The sex was great, we got along really well, and we never fought. To be dumped just like that is just very strange.”

You winced at the comment about their sex lives, not really wanting to know in the first place. It did seem very out of the blue for her to break up with him, but you tried not to dwell too much on it. It would only upset him more.

The two of you caught up, but it seemed like he didn’t realize just how absent he was from your life. He asked about your classes and your family, wondering how they were doing since he hadn’t seen them in a while. You asked the same and also questioned if he’d made any friends, which he hadn’t. So all his time was spent with just Yeeun, it seemed.

When it was time to head back to your apartment, Jeno hugged you goodbye before heading the opposite direction. Your feet dragged, your body screaming for you to return to Jeno and get as much attention from him as possible, but you had homework you needed to work on, so you continued home.

///

“Jesus, just like that?” Jaemin asked Jeno.

The two of them were hanging out at Jaemin’s apartment, playing video games and talking about the break up. When Jaemin found out, he immediately called the other man and invited him over. They were catching up on things when Jaemin had asked about the break up, and Jeno told him everything.

“Just like that. No explanation. How the hell am I supposed to feel about that? Angry? Sad? I need something so I know how to process it,” Jeno ranted.

“Who else knows?”

“Well, Y/N figured it out when we went out for ice cream.”

“Wait, you hung out with Y/N?” Jaemin asked.

“Is it really that surprising?”

“Considering you practically dropped her, yeah.”

“What do you mean?”

“Dude, ever since you and Yeeun started dating, you’ve bailed on all your plans with Y/N. We tried to get her to give up, but she still had hope.”

Jeno’s heart started to race. Surely he didn’t do that to his best friend, right? Pulling out his phone, he opened his texts with you, and his stomach dropped at all the times he canceled on you, said he already had plans, or just left you on read. For months, you put up with it without saying a word to him. For months, you tried to keep your friendship going, and what did he do? Nothing.

“I’ve gotta go,” Jeno stated as he ran towards the door.

“What? Where are you going?” Jaemin called out.

“I need to fix this.”

Without elaborating, Jeno left the apartment and ran down the stairs. When he got outside, he hopped into his car and sped to your place. He couldn’t believe he did that. No wonder you seemed a little uncomfortable the other day. You didn’t know how to act around him anymore. He really fucked up.

Before he knew it, he was knocking on your apartment door. It took a few seconds, but then you were looking at him with wide eyes, clearly not expecting him to be standing there. He took in the dark circles under your eyes and the stress acne he knew you got whenever you were depressed and said, “I’ve been a really bad friend, haven’t I?”

The tears fell before it even registered that your eyes were watering. Soon, you were sobbing into Jeno’s shoulder as he stepped in and tried to soothe you. You started to hyperventilate, the emotions overwhelming you.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Y/N. It’s okay, though I’m here now,” he stated, repeating his words softly.

He managed to move the two of you to your room, lying on your bed with you wrapped in his arms. You continued to cry, and it surprised you that you had any tears left. He rubbed your back and pressed kisses to your hair, just like he did whenever your depression got really bad. He felt extremely guilty for being the cause of your tears and sadness.

“I missed you so much,” you whined.

“I missed you too I’m so sorry I ditched you. I shouldn’t have done that,” he said. “I’ll do whatever I can to make it up to you.”

///

Dreamies (plus Y/N)

Haechan: (picture of you and Jeno sleeping in your bed with Jeno wrapped around you like a koala)

Haechan: all is right in the world again.

Jaemin: oh, that’s where he went.

Mark: Finally! I’m glad they’re working things out

Renjun: Good. I was really concerned about her

Chenle: look at Renjun having feelings

Haechan: gross

Jisung: seeing her cry made me cry so i’m glad they’re talking again

Chenle: you big baby

part two is here