#anyway idk Whats going on in my brain rn i should sleep god

[silouvertongues]

gotta get up early for class tomorrow im so sleepy but i suddenly felt the urge to calculate how much money's been spent on my post secondary education till now and i literally feel nauseous

[mochinomnoms]

Half asleep past midnight ramblings because I saw a pirate AU mentioned and I know you like Jade so like

Yuu drops stuff off the edge of a ship and into the ocean by accident - maybe some kinda mushroom-shaped pendant idk. And jade ends up catching it and misinterpreted the exchange as a courting gesture somehow. And now Yuu keeps on getting dragged out to deck by the rest of the crew because this bigass mer with bigass teeth keeps jumping aboard and snarling at anyone who approaches him except for Yuu for some reason

And Yuu just keeps having to drop what they're doing to nudge what seems, to them, like quite a placid merman off the deck and back into the ocean, wondering why they specifically have to do that and not believing the rest of the crew when they describe Jade as 'A hissing monstrosity that tried to take a chunk outta my arm!' etc. etc.

Anyway they have a collection of random ocean trinkets that Jade keeps giving them or something. And also Jade saves them from drowning. Floyd follows Jade to the surface once and then there's an issue with TWO mermen tryna hang out on deck but only tolerating two specific crew members and one is the angry redhead who ends up looking super amusing trying to drag a slippery, troublesome eel to the edge of the boat so he can get back to whatever he should be doing

Sorry about the rambling - and sorry if it isn't coherent. My brain needs something to do since I can't get to sleep rn lol.

I don't know a whole lot about pirates other than what I know from my video game...but from I am aware! They spend at least weeks if not months out at sea! I like to think that it takes Jade sometime to watch and actually fall for someone, while Floyd is the one more prone to love at first sight fight

When you guys are around at sea, slowly making your way to the next port, you're not super surprised you've been followed by a pair of merfolk.

They're known to be curious, but unless they're sirens, they're likely to keep to themselves.

But these two have been following the ship for quite some time now, like they're after something specific.

They're practically identical, just a few things like their gray strands of hair and their bi-colored eyes that help with differentiating them. The more excitable of the two seems to be most invested in chasing after your boat.

You can't understand the clicks, chirps, or squeals he makes, but you do notice how excited he gets when your friend Riddle, a crewmate who ran off from home, is on the deck. Riddle seems annoyed and will often yell at the merman, telling him to go away and stop following.

Though the big guy just looks so happy to see Riddle that you think he isn't able to understand human speech. If you had to guess, you think he was following after Riddle. Not sure why though.

You almost forget about the other one, with how quiet he is. You encounter him after dropping a cute little mushroom pendant that you got from a port shop a while back. The moment it plopped into the dark water in the dead of night, you were absolutely devastated. You even took some spare rope and wrapped it around your waist in a tight knot before scaling the side of the ship to carefully make it down to the water.

Hoping and praying to whatever sea god lorded over the current waters you were in that the water was shallow and pendant not lost to the deep, you failed to notice the soft teal aquamarine glow emerging from the water.

When you finally do turn to look at the water, you just about screamed at the upper hand of one of the mermen's face staring at you. Pressing yourself against the wooden hull of the ship, you stared back at him, not even daring to blink, as if he would suddenly lunge at you if you looked away.

Not an unwarranted fear; you and the rest of the crew had seen the way those sharp teeth and claws torn apart large tuna and annoying seagulls.

You think this is the more quiet of the two, based on the lack of reaction and the strand on his left. He seems more quizzical than playful, compared to whom you think is his brother. His eyes flicker down to watch the way your chest moves up and down as you try to calm your breath. He stares for a bit before flickering back up to your eyes, where he resumes his chilling stare.

What felt like hours, but was probably minutes, passed as you two played what was essentially a staring contest. Eventually, made due to boredom, or maybe he was satisfied after studying you so long, his right hand came up from the water clenching something. He gently opened his hand to reveal the golden mushroom pendant, complete with your gold chain and everything.

"Oh! You got it, uh, can I have it back?" You asked, pointing at the item in his hand.

The merman slowly rose up the lower part of his face and upper chest now visible. Looking at him up close, you could understand why they cautioned sailors to keep their distance from all sea folk.

Such pretty faces, it's no wonder people willingly drown themselves just in an attempt to be with one.

The teal colored merman watched as you carefully reached for the item in his hand, only to jerk it away and make a laughing sound. You think it was laughter, based on the smirk and squinted eyes he gave you. You huffed, reaching for it again, only for him to swam back again. His laughter was growing louder, seems that he was just as mischievous as his brother, just sneakier about it.

It almost sounded musical to your ears, too bad you were too focused on getting the pendant back to admire it. Eventually, the creature was far enough out of your reach that you were barely touching the ship with the tip of your toes. It seemed like he wanted you to fall into the water as he playfully splashed at you with the tip of his tail. You knew he was playing, if he really wanted you in the water, that tail had more than enough strength to wrap around you and drag you in.

But still, you wanted that damn pendant back! He seemed fascinated by the mushroom itself and the detailing on it. His claws kept tracing over the ridges and he was studying it intently when he wasn't staring at you. He's probably never seen one before. That's when a brilliant idea popped into your head!

Gesturing him to wait, you climbed back up the rope, turning back every time to check and see that he was still there. The big guy seemed a bit annoyed, disappointed even, that you were leaving. No matter, you'd be back soon enough with a bargaining chip.

It takes a moment for you to finally make your way back up, huffing and your arms straining from pulling your self up. Riddle, bless his heart, had rushed out after hearing your scream earlier and was pacing around the deck waiting for you to return.

"There you are! I saw you with one of the mermen, did you get hurt? Do you need medical attention? Come to the infirmary, I'll check you up—"

You waved him off, struggling to undo your knot, blurting out something about you being fine and needing to trade. Finally managing to stumble into the sleeping quarters and to your cot, digging against your blanket and bags to finally find a small pouch.

Smiling at your victory, you ran back up to the deck to find Riddle struggling with the rope and one of the mermen. You're pretty sure it's the other one: his strand is on his right side and he's a lot more vocal as he tried climbing up the side of the ship using the rope and digging his claws in the hull.

Poor Riddle was struggling to get the merman's arms off of his, the latter's grasp tightening the more he struggled to get out.

"Damn it Floyd! I told you! Leave!" A kick. "Me!" An inhumane yelp. "ALONE!"

The merman looked almost disappointed as Riddle finally managed to kick him in the face and crawl away from his grasp.

Riddle was heaving as he glared at the pouting merman, watching as he finally lost his claw grip in the wood and slid back into the water with a loud splash. You helped your friend up, checking him over for any stratches or bite marks.

"So it is you that they're following! I'd been wondering way they were so focused on our ship, but how do you know his name?"

Riddle sighed, nodding his head. "I apologize. I was hoping that he wouldn't remember me from our childhood, it's been so long, but..."

He dragged his hands over his face in exasperation. "He has a perfect memory when he wants to. He used to visit the reefs near my hometown, I ended up meeting him there when I was younger. He was so annoying! Liked to poke and prod at me anytime I visited the beach, I thought I finally managed to get rid of him when I left home, but it seems that he's found me."

"How can you understand them?"

"Ah, they can speak and understand common tongue. They just choose to feign ignorance." Riddle muttered to himself as he slipped off his now soaking jacket.

You watched your friend as he wrung out the water in his clothes from who you now know is Floyd. Pursing your lips, you looked toward the rope, now splayed across the deck, and move toward it.

"Do you know the other one's name?" you asked, tying the rope back to your waist.

"Hmm? His twin? I think it's Jade, why do you want to—what are you doing?"

Riddle suddenly stood watching in horror as you slipped over the ledge of the ship once again.

"He's got my pendant, gonna get it back—"

"No! You going down there is how Floyd got up, get back here!" Riddle marched over, stomping his foot and reaching for you just as you jumped. "I'll get you another, one with rubies in it—HEY!"

Using the momentum from the fall, you planted your feet against the hull as you landed against it, looking down at the water again. This time, both mermen were watching you as you climbed down, though the one you though was Floyd looked upset and bored, swimming up to the hull to make small crying noises to Riddle, you assumed.

As you got closer, the one called Jade came closer, apparently interested that you returned. Once you were finally within each other's reach again, you gestureed for him to come closer.

By this point, his brother was behind him watching curiously as you held up the pouch in your hand, opening it and revealing a white button mushroom.

Jade perked up, looking between your pendant and the mushroom in your hand. You pointed at the pendant in his hand, before remembering what Riddle said.

"Oh yeah, he said you could understand me." Jade didn't betray that he understood you, though his ear fins twitched as you spoke.

"Uh, if you give me that—" you still pointed to the pendant, just incase he was wrong. Though Riddle rarely was. "—then I will give you this!" You pointed back to the white mushroom in your hand.

Jade looked excitedly at the mushroom, nodding as you two traded. Sighing in relief, you pulled the chain over your neck and tucked it into your shirt. You readied to climb back up to the ship again before glancing at Jade.

He was poking at the mushroom, turning it round in his fingers. He seemed almost childlike in his wonder with the fungus, it was almost cute. Right up until he tore it in half and dropped it into the water, watching it float.

"What, no!" You whined, startling him as you gestured between him and the mushroom.

"No! No, no, no! That's a waste of a perfectly good mushroom! Do you know how hard it is to get those at ports? You're supposed to eat it!"

Exasperated, you opened your pouch again and handed another to Jade, though this time he eyed your hand warily.

"...What? Do you think I'm gonna posion you? Look—" You tore it in half, like he did earlier, and popped one half into your mouth. "Shee? Yummy!"

He still looked doubtful as you chewed. Rolling your eyes, you extended your arm out to his face, making him jerk away again.

"Just, try it! Come on!" You pushed against the hull again, on your tiptoes, as you held out the mushroom towards his lips.

"I'll even feed it to ya! Say 'aaaah'."

Jade looked at your open mouth and, you swear on your soul, blushed before looking away. He thinned his lips, eyes flickering back at you again with an almost shy expression. Floyd, in the background, was staring curiously, before making a chirping sound. Jade made a similar sound back, before looking at you between his lashes and bashfully taking the mushroom from your fingertips.

You tried not to jump from his teeth scraping you and his cold lips brushing against your skin. Instead, you stilled yourself, holding your breath as he chewed.

"It's good, right?"

Jade paused swallowing and slowly nodding before opening his mouth.

"Yes, it's quite...nice." You were surprised how smooth and human his voice was. It as almost soft, a stark difference from his sharp ends and edges. Pleasant.

You shook your thoughts from your head. You refused to be one of those lovesick sailors.

"Right...well, thanks! I'll be, uh, heading back now."

You actively chose to not look back as you climbed up, though perhaps you should have. You could have seen the way Jade watched you, like your were Aphrodite emerging from the sea foam to the land.

"What I tell ya Jade?" Jade continued watching you climb up, eyeing the way Riddle dragged you to the boat, though he flicked his ear fin towards Floyd. "I told you that the lil shrimp was just your type!"

Floyd giggled as he swam on his back, circling his brother. He paused to listen to the way Riddle was yelling at you. So cute.

"Aren't you glad you joined me? I get my Goldfishie, and you'll get a little Shrimpy out of it! Mama and Pops will be so happy when we bring them back home!

"Yes...we'll have to do it soon though." Jade smiled as he watched you and Riddle peer over the edge. You waved at him, and he back at you. His smile grew as you excitedly waved even harder speaking to Riddle before your friend dragged you away.

"The farther we get, the less time we have to return to Azul. His water-breathing spell will only last so long."

"And whose fault is that?" Floyd scoffed, flicking water at his brother in annoyance. "I wanted to take my mate and his friend since day one, you're the one who wanted to 'study' them and stuff. I know you best, if I tell you that the shrimp is perfect for you, you oughta listen!"

Jade glared at Floyd, who stuck his tongue at him, before softly laughing.

"You're right Floyd, of course you know me so well." Jade stared back up at the ship, as if his gaze alone would beckon you to return to him. "The water's warm, there's a storm coming from the east, where they've been traveling."

Jade dove into the water, his brother following him.

"The storm is large and coming soon, and the wood over here is damaged." Jade gestured to a part of the hull that was starting to rot, water slipping in. "If we cause the ship to take in more water, it will sink. They only have a few of those smaller boats, and much too many crew."

Floyd grinned as he caught on to what his brother was implying.

"Everyone will probably be scrambling to get on them boats—"

"Precisely, and with the chaos of a storm, will be much too busy to notice two of their crewmates snatched by a pair of mermen."

The twins shared a conniving laugh, following the ship into an unseen storm in the dark of night.

Something that few people ever mentioned, as it was quite rare, was that once a merperson fell for someone, they also were determined to drag them into the deep, never to be seen again by the people of the surface.

[belovedblabber]

the locked tomb! or if someone already asked, dragon age!

Thank youuuu for asking!

Favorite Male Character: It's John, we all know it's John. I stand by my cancelled wife <3

Favorite Female Character: I legit do not know how to answer this because that list is, so long and frequently neck and neck but today while zoning out I ended up thinking about Harrow and had a resurgence of how much I adore her so I'll say Harrow rn!

Least Favorite Character: I'm not sure honestly, I don't really think I have one? Maybe currently Paul just because we don't know them very well yet and also I'm so mad to have lost Pal and Cam so let's go with Paul

Favorite Ship: This is another tough one oh god. I love Harrow/Gideon, and Harrow/Ianthe, and Gideon/Ianthe in a 'gay sex won't fix this situation in fact it may make it worse but I think we should give it a shot anyway' sorta way fghj. Idk if that last one is a ship or a 'I think they make each other worse and I love that' thing. Also between Gideon/Harrow and Ianthe/Harrow I like. Gideon/Harrow more in terms of just pure shippines, I guess? I want them to be happy and kiss but I'm aware that may be a tall order. I'm terrible at answering ship questions especially with this series dfghj. Also the entire dios apate trio situation is just the absolute tastiest although I've been thinking a lot about John and Augustine in particular lately I think just because that's where my brain is kicking around atm. I love them, obsessed with that fucked up lil' jaugustine dynamic it makes my brain spin

Favorite Friendship: Gideon and Palamedes, I know we didn't get to see much of that dynamic but what we did see was so sweet and I love it. Also Harrow and Palamedes. I LOVE Palamedes he's up there as one of my fave characters

Favorite Quote: This one is just cruel I have so many I legit cannot pick. But currently I have the whole quote that ends in "Something will satisfy them eventually, but nothing satisfies me. Nothing" stuck in my head and am wanting to draw smth from it so I'll just go with that, John that was sooo sexy of u babygirl. (Also "Is that the truth, or the truth you tell yourself?" "What is the difference?" said God'" hit me like a sack of bricks the first time I read it and continues to do so. But I also have so many other fave quotes asdfg, I just need to leave it off here or I'll write a novel length list of them).

Worst Character Death (if any): This one is ALSO hard but I will say that the one that shocked me the most was honestly Jeannemary. After that it was hard to rattle me although oh god Gideon's death at the end of GtN did have me crying

This made me so happy you have no idea Moment: When I read the NtN preview on amazon and saw that it opened with a John thing and I got so excited that I shrieked out loud alone in my dark room and then messaged my partner rapid fire while literally vibrating and then was so jazzed that I couldn't sleep. Because I'm a freak.

Saddest Moment: How do I pick? The one freshest in my head is the creation of Paul because OUCH

Favorite Location: Canaan house, I love the vibes in a way I can't articulate

[legendary-alliance-stance]

That's totally fine! worked sucked today and I went to bed suuuper late lmao so like I'm only just decompressing now anyways

ALSO SCREAMING AND CRYING RN OMG thank you so much for the dialogue recording!! I literally spent a half hour doing the dishes today with my wireless headset on just camped in the wizard's tower listening out for their lines lmao

GOD put makeup on the man!! Give it to him!! AH it's so GOOD 👏DARK👏SKINNED👏ARCHEMORUS!👏 AND THAT HAIR ON THE YOUNG ONES GOD IT'S SO YESSS

GOD THEY'RE SO CUTE THEY LOOK SO GOOD!!

Also doing a bit of research it appears tattoos were a common occurrence among the Luxons??? so like. any tattoo headcanons u know like a sleeve, a tramp stamp, neck, thigh, ankle, full body etc like what are we thinking

and YEAH the clothes don't make sense to my brain I'm definitely not like a concept artist kinda person I literally have no idea where to even start with something like that lmao but maybe one day I'll. think about it... or maybe just. make it a modern au. or skip the clothes whateverr who needs em >.>

ALSO have this quick little post-it note doodle cause I can't GET THAT MAKEUP OUT OF MY HEAD NOW that's SO FREAKING UGH I couldn't go to sleep without a scribble i really really couldn't n it's only fair tbh u show me urs i should share mine ri ght (even if i hate it gotta do it for the vibezzz) IT'S BED TIME AND U GOT ME DRAWING BY PHONE LIGHT BRO also it's impossible to take pictures at night without natural lighting and sorry it's MASSIVE idk why phone photos be saving like that

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/947194586055446589/1145964630225723483/Vik_8_28_23.jpg

(if that link doesn't work i'll like. find some other way to show u lmao) I might like upload this one day somewhere if I ever bother to like. make an art blog or a gw2 blog or smthin' but if you like this and wanna save it u should cause idk if I'll leave it on discord forever so the link might break lmao

k goodnight

SOMEHOW I DIDNT SEE THIS ASK UNTIL RIGHT NOW??? THANKS TUMBLR MOBILE UR A WORKING APP

IM GLAD U ENJOYED THE DIALOGUE RECORDING!!! I love listening to them so so SO MUCH

AND IM!!!

SO HAPPY THAT U LIKE MY ART OF THEM!! THANK U SO MUCH!!!

and I haven’t actually figured out what I imagine archemorus’s tattoos look like yet!! he has some on his arms in the factions trailer but they’re also the exact same as the generic luxons there so lmao I don’t think anet put too much thought into that aspect of things FJSKFKSKS I’ll have to work on designing that for him at some point!!!

AND HONESTLY A MODERN AU IS SO VALID. that’s truly the easiest way to handle characters with complicated outfits lmao

AND!! IM ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTED TO SEE UR DRAWING OF VIKKY!!! HE LOOKS LOVELY!! I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE U TO DRAW MORE!!!!

[SAVES IT SAVES IT SAVES IT]

AND I ALSO ENCOURAGE U TO MAKE A TUMBLR!! partly so u can post art and also it’s so much easier to communicate via reblog/messages/replies than via asks!!! join me in gw2 blog hell <333 EITHER THAT or if ur comfy with it u can add me on discord!!

[cyrsed]

i need to talk to my psych and also fix my anxiety med schedule bc i stopped taking them for a while bc i thought i was doing better TT_TT i’m back up to taking half but i still have horrible anxiety and i think i’m getting depressed again :( which is annoying bc i didn’t change anything about my antidepressants.

also ik i shouldn’t mess with dosages w/o talking to my psych but yet, what is done is done lol. idk do y’all ever do that? like im not advocating it, bc it has not worked out for me any time i’ve done it haha, except going off my antidepressants in college one time. i just wonder how common that is lol especially w psych meds.

i just hate when i start to feel this [various synonyms of hopeless]

it’s hard to want to do anything but lie in bed and cry, and i just wish that being in my late 20s was more about feeling free to do what i want instead of feeling crushed by my anxiety over literally every aspect of my life :(

i bet that ... getting back up to my actual prescribed anxiety med dose would help lol, but also i like getting up early (ideally 6:15 or so, but 6:45-7 is ok too), and buspar makes me sleepy, so if i take it, i end up sleeping more and not being as awake in the morning (and the morning is my favorite time of day bc it’s just me awake by myself and my cats, no sensory overload or anything, just quiet time for me :) ), which just kinda sucks, and i know i should just trade that for not feeling like shit, but :(

oh god also my medical anxiety has been through the roof ever since my dr told me my cholesterol is a bit high, my brain latched onto that and even tho i don’t usually have that kind of medical/health anxiety, it’s been unbearably bad lately. i guess that’s replaced the fear of losing my hair (which i mean i’m glad i’m not thinking about that quite so much, since who cares if i have hair or not lol). 

aghslkdjf anyway does anyone have like. idk any advice/resources for ways to become like... more resilient, or less obsessive about things that are harming my emotional well being? like, i’ve just been really obsessively reading the things that anti queer bigots say, and obsessing over health stuff lately and i’m not sure how to break that cycle... that and any advice (besides going to therapy, pls) about generally breaking out of depression and anxiety spirals, esp about like,, the passage of time/health/how shitty politics is rn/pandemic stuff, worrying about global/national/state politics? TT_TT

[lilac1013]

you know idk if this has anything to do with mental disorders but sometimes i get really terrified to sleep and tonight, it has hit really hard and many thoughts are running through my head rn and i truly don’t even know where to start. i have so much to get off my chest and trust me, it’s a LOT. stuff that i wish i could open up to people about but i just know that the moment that i open my mouth, my feelings will be invalidated and that i would sound stupid and pathetic and i just cba to be made to feel worse about myself. honestly i cannot remember if friends follow this blog or if people know about this blog or not and if friends do follow this blog, i cannot remember if they actually use tumblr but if we are friends and you are reading this, actually scroll past and if you do read this anyway then just don’t acknowledge this in any way shape or form. again, there is so much i want to say but i don’t actually know how to put it into words. if anything this is a proper word vomit from my brain where im actuallly writing what is coming from my brain. gosh, if only i had that motivation when it came to my studies which is a huge major stress right now because i just want to graduate so bad with a decent grade and also be so good at korean that i am nearly fluent but idk. everyone around me makes me feel so dumb like it is how they are so naturally good at everything and it’s truly like “oh wow” but people also do this thing where when i explain something, they look at me with these eyes of “that is so stupid but ok” and it’s so off putting. it really does put me off of ever speaking my mind and just makes me feel so dumb and little. which speaking of dumb and little, i hate how no one is straightfoward with me from friends to random people on the internet whose love and validation i seek for. like i want people to straight up be like “beth, this hurt btw can you not” or “beth this made me feel xyz” or “beth i feel like xyz towards you” “beth i mean this”. stop speaking to me in fucking code or some actions like no. i don’t get it and i don’t understand. which leads me to something of i think i am falling for a guy who is literally on the side of the world and who i know has no feeling towards me whatsoever because i am truly the most disgusting thing to ever grace this earth and i just need to lose so much weight so bad and i hate how hungry i am these days and how i keep going over 500kcal a day and i hate how much food stresses me out but i hate how i have no control of myself that the moment i think about  food, i want to have it. i hate how mentally hungry i have been and it has gotten to the point where every single day i am so close to you know ...... i hate that my ex made me feel this insecure, this unsure, this scared of people and relationships. i hate how i am not over our relationship despite it being a year and everyone getting tired of hearing about it and how much it fucked me up but i hate how they don’t take me seriously on when i begin to express how much it has fucked me up and i hate how i cannot express that i cannot do things like unfollow them on instagram because even to this day, i am scared of their reaction towards it and i know i should not care but i cannot help the fact that i do. i hate the fact that i am still going through my ptsd shit and i cannot get my shit together for the god damn life of me. i hate the fact that i still cut myself despite saying to myself that i would stop in january 2021. i still do it and little do people know that i did it in korea too. i just cannot stop. i hate the fact that these days i just get urges to literally kill myself whether that is overdosing once again or grabbing my kitchen knife and slicing my throat which i had such an incredible urge to do the night that i truly scared myself that i was going to do it and punching up the mirror into shatters. truly it sometimes feels like someone else is inside me who is just so angry, so upset that all she wants to do is self destruct. it’s terrifying. i just hate how im not good enough and that apparently my actions are never good enough to friends, family and even to strangers who deem im fuckable ( looool an experience to fuck a fat girl is what they want ) but never loveable. literally there is  no where in my life where i am deemed good enough. im tired. i just hate myself and just hate eveything about it. i just want to heal but no one ever tells you how to and what anyone has ever told me about healing has just fucked me off. and i think deep down i dont want people to give me solutions or to tell me to move on and that it is okay because it is the past or to be confident and just believe in myself. i want someone to actually sit there and listen. you truly do not need to say shit. i just want you to listen to what i have to say and just acknowledge it and just maybe go “you are doing well though beth and we are proud of you” then we laugh over something stupid. i just want to be heard and reassured. idk. tbh that is very selfish thinking and everything that i have written in this post is selfish and very me me me and you hurt me and im not acknowledging anyone else’s feelings in which i truly am sorry and i am trying my hardest to not be a selfish person like i know that it doesn’t seem or sound like it but i am. i truly truly truly truly truly truly truly truly am and i probably should go to sleep and just try to find some peace of mind  

[sketchygainedyoursoul]

Tokyo Soul summary ep 1 bc i cant rn

@paranoidpug frick you but there's a third series just called "Yandere" and the thumbnail is grian sam and taurtis as children so do with that what you will

anyway lads so to those of you who don't know my good friend Pug sacrificed her sanity for a good smarru of samgladiator's infamous yhs series. And her sanity, despite rumors of grian angst in the sequel series Tokyo Soul, could not handle anymore. So she requested for someone else to take up the mantle.

So i volunteered. Anyway here we go

Parts 2/3/4/5

Tokyo Soul e1: New beginnings

"you are now sitting" okay

Taurtis: *snoring and clearly sleeping* Sam: I think he has a serious problem *slaps him awake* Taurtis: hwhheugwauhway? Same: you had like, a sleeping condition

Why did Taurtis think they were going to disney land nooo ;w;

Sam: I know big cities kinda scare you so that's why i didn't tell you we were going to tokyo Taurtis: is there going to be lots of people? Sam: yes

what the shit sam stop scaring Taurtis with the concept of big cities

Taurtis: *wants to go home* Sam: we can't go home because were in witness protection YA GOOF

sam stop making fun of taurtis' chin

lads i need to slow down we're not even two minutes in

SUHSIWUSHI

SAM WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CNA'T READ JAPANESE YOU'VE LIVED THERE YOUR WHOLE LIFE MAYBE

Sam: I'm not japanese! Tautris: you live in japan! See? taurtis gets it

sam what the fuck is that accent i'm sobbing

me, who didn't watch yhs: *tearing up the room* WHERE'S GRIAN

Dom is so far the best character and he's had like three lines

please their fake accents are making me so uncomfortable ;w;w;w;w;

"<Old_Kurokuma> mm fresh meat..." WHAT

oh

oh my god dom stop flirting with the old guy ;w;

IS DOM GETTING SEXUALLY HARRASED WHAT

also sorry Pug i know you want Grian angst but Dom is my new favorite character also I haven't seen Grian yet sadly

oh so Taurtis can't read japanese but he can speak it? got it

IgbarVonSquid is mvp he knows where the sushiwushi is

Sam, based off of what i know from Yhs, please, leave the dumpsters alone. no matter how great they look

Sam nobody wants to go into your dark alley just go follow IgbarVonSquid to your sushiwushi

istg the old man is literally an scp

Sam, who was the one who coerced Taurtis to go back into the alley despite Taurtis just wanting sushiwushi: "why'd you make me come back here Taurtis?"

why are they burning money this is some real anticapitalist shit right here

OH MY GOD THEY'RE BEING OFFERED SUGAR

OH MY GOD THEY'RE ON FIRE

Dom, when on fire: stop drop and rick roll

sam don't steal the fucking bike

Igbar is biggest brain

dom is top ten road crosser

Sam and Taurtis: Is the car parked or is it moving really slow? IgbarVonSquid: what the fuck is even happenign

halfway through the episode and finally they are at sushiwushi

Sam: Here's a moneys Taurtis: you didn't have to pay him

Sam: you gonna sit in it? Taurtis: I FORGOT HOW TO SIT SAM

why for fucks sake did taurtis bring a mountain dew and sam bring snacks to a fnacy resturaunt ;w;

when will they stop antagonizing the waitress it never ends

Taurtis: no don't order the pufferfish they might be pete's children! Sam: i would like all the pufferfish please :)

OH NO THE WAITRESS SAID FOR PETE TO GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN I STG

Taurtis: I kinda have a trigger when i see girls with knives (write that down write that down) Sam: *laughs* oh yeah

oh my god the old guy is back i hope this doesn't become a running joke

Sam: should we go complain about our food nto being ready? Me: i'ts been five minutes ;w;

Taurtis has raised dead fish? alright then

Sam don't eat a stranger's sushi wtfff

Okami gave sam a phone and did not give taurtis one remember this is coming from sam do not trust it

KIYU ARRIVES

DONT PRANK SOCILA WOKRERS (i think she's a social worker? might just be a student idk) SAM WTFF

oh my god now they're re doing it bc taurtis didn't record ;w;

it wasn't even that funny

yeah probably someone with the witness protection program at least

oh my god sam why aren't you paying you have 31 dollar wtf AND THE WIATRESS HAS A KNIFE WHY ARE YOU TORMENTING KIYU LIKE THIS

god bless kiyu

Sam: my phone Taurtis: our phone Russian anthem: *begins*

okay wtf was that ending? no sign, no end card, no nothing, just Kiyu ending her scentence and then the video restarting???

Pug you should know that Taurtis is treating Sam like they are good chummy old buddy pals once more, and i don't know if that was occuring at the end of last series because i did not watch it, so keep that in mind. Also, Grian dissapeared. He may have gone back to britain, I do not know.

Also, lads, if you haven't noticed, my way of doing reviews is a sort of live reaction per episode, but this whole thing is new, so i don't really know how to do this, and there are 85 episodes, so things are subject to change.

anyway, seeya maybe in an hour depending on Carl's decision of what i do next lol

[daz4i]

suicide under the cut you know the drill 🖤

besties i am not going to lie to you i have not stopped thinking abt how much i want to be dead for hours now 🖤 it's unreal 🖤 literally going "i want to die" in my head like a mantra 🖤

i kind of don't really wanna sign up to that course at all I'm mostly doing it bc everyone in my life thinks it's a good idea and i got nothing better to do and i need to pass the time somehow but it feels like a huge waste for me and it's a huge source of stress rn even tho it hasn't even started yet adjfjoghl. I'm really not looking forward to being this active and in public and meet new people like I'm very much dreading it and really don't want to do it (which is probably a sign I should to combat my anxiety or w/e idc)

but it's not like i would've done anything else otherwise lol 🖤

idk I'm like. very much given up! i don't wanna do anything! maybe there's like stuff here and there like playing a certain game that I'd like to experience but i mean bigger life stuff. i don't want or even can do anything so like what's the point

would be funny if i killed myself only to find out i was actually dead all this time and simply living with a brain like mine is the hell god chose for me lmao. not that it'll happen bc I'm a fucking coward but anyway 🖤 a guy can dream (not about this outcome but about killing myself at least lol)

maybe i need to sleep rn bc it's 3:30 am but i don't think i can esp not when feeling this bad (and i KNOW I'm gonna have so many nightmares so I'm also kinda trying to prolong the inevitable ig) so there's not much else to do other than refresh apps and cry as usual. wellp

[kvgehiras]

waaaa i'm sure whatever you have typed up is great!! if you ever decide to post it, i'll look forward to it ♡

cough cough SO UM,,, ik this is oddly specific but i hope you don't mind aha .. a character of your choice with someone who has some important exams coming up soon, maybe?? i've like ... procrastinated like all of my work and slept through the entire few weeks before,, so i'm currently on the brink of eternal sleep (my fault, wholly, really) i don't mind who, just pick your favourite/s!!

thank you in advance!! qwq

hello again anon!! THANK U AAAA i might post it after the current event ends bcs im busy grinding lately lol but i will post it soon so i hope u like it ehe ;; as for ur schedule PLS SLEEP !!!! i do know the feeling off not doing any of ur work nd just resting but sometimes it's ok anon! studying when ur not feeling like it will only feel like a chore nd u probably wont be able to retain any of it. so study when u want to, bcs while exams r important, so r u hehe <3 anyways here r the charas!! wrote a lil scenario for mika, leo, nd rei!! hope u like it <3

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

KAGEHIRA MIKA

• mika overworks himself alot, mainly bcs he just wants to prove, to himself and others, that he is worthy of being a part of valkyrie

• but he still likes being a lil spoon when yall r cuddling (o˘◡˘o)

• while he is a powerful artist when hes on stage, he just melts when hes in ur arms yk!!!!

• so he doesnt mind it when lately u seem to be slacking off a bit more than usual bcs he gets more cuddles from u !!!!! #mika1stwin

• but when u suddenly stop out of nowhere nd even refuse to come out of ur room at times bcs uve procrastinated ur work too much nd if u do not finish going through ur material then ur doomed to fail nd oh lord-

• "(y/n)?"

• u look up at ur bf nd hes standing beside u- w his stuff in his hands.....?

• "ah ya see.....ya've been lookin' a lil stressed lately so i thought abt.....helpin' u like this! idk what is troublin' ya, but im here to always listen! :D"

• u break into a grin, one mika had missed so much, nd grab his cheeks to plant a kiss on his cheek

• nd still keeping ur hands where they are, u pull away to look at his bright red face

• "thank u mika... ill always be here for u too, ok?"

• nd he quickly nods, scared to meet ur eyes, esp bcs of the close proximity of ur faces rn

• what a lil baby

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

TSUKINAGA LEO

• leo is honestly the last person u want to see when ur trying to finish learning ur material,,,that too in a rush

• like!!!!! u love him u rlly do but this bitch will start doodling abt his inspiration nd all nd ur brain just cant focus yk

• that, nd also that if u dont give him Any attention At All he will literally wither away nd basically refuse to sleep nd WILL stare at u till u give him kissies (nd he alrdy doesnt sleep enough........ sigh)

• so when he wakes up in the middle of the night (the one night u managed to somehow get him to bed) nd doesnt see u in the room a part of him panics

• he quickly calls out for u nd when he hears u respond from the study room, he opens the door to see u slowly turn around from ur chair, tired, shoulders slumped over

• immediately rushing over, leo tightly wraps u in a hug, a hand running through ur hair

• "(Y/N)!!!!!!!!! WHERE WERE U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THOUGHT THE ALIENS KIDNAPPED U!!!!?!!???!!!!!!! DONT LEAVE ME AGAINNNNNN ｡･ﾟﾟ*(>д<)*ﾟﾟ･｡!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

• "leo it's 2 am.......nd also i didn't leave u, u know? im right here!"

• the exhaustion was very evident in ur voice, so much so that leo pulled away only to squint his eyes at u nd go "r u not ok? u sound tired ...... gasp r u DYING????????? NOOOOO U CANT DIE UR MY INSPIRATION!!!!!!!!"

• "leo thats v sweet nd while yes i Am dying im not leaving u it's ok"

• leo smiles, which turns into a grin, nd then he suddenly gasps again nd oh lord what idea is it this time

• "(y/n)!!!!! how abt i sleep here????????"

• ".....huh?"

• "YEA!!!!!! didn't u leave that room so u wouldn't disturb me?????? but im lonely so......ill just sleep on ur lap then, ok? ok! good nightttt!!!!!!!!"

• nd then he places his head on ur lap, the other half on his body relying on the chair he was previously sitting on for support

• while he isnt wrong abt the disturbance part.....he does look content here.......nd he does feel lonely so ......

• mayb u just gotta learn today what u can wing everything at this point...... it's gonna be ok . probably....?

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

SAKUMA REI

• unlike the other two, rei wouldn't even have to guess that ur not doing ok, he would just Know

• nd what does he do to help? flirt w u nd get u to let him teach u obv!

• he Knows it's not rlly teaching, nd so do u, but what can u do when he looks at u w those puppy eyes of his, nd says that he'll do anything nd everything in his power to always help u

• so when he does take in whatever u have to study he..... he realises he's Also bad at this

• good job rei rlly helps out a ton!

• anyways to make up for it, nd also stick w his promise to help u, he tells u to go through the material, nd explain it to him! he heard somewhere that it works bcs it forces u to rlly understand the concept instead of memorising it nd u think it should work

• but oh god how is it supposed to work when rei keeps looking at u w stars in his eyes, nd his hand suddenly grabs urs nd he circles his thumb on the back of ur hand nd IS HE FLIRTING IN THE MIDDLE OF A STUDY SESSION

• rei playfully quirks an eyebrow when he sees u get flustered nd just . lay ur head on the table w sigh nd just whine

• "REIIIIIIIII I HAVE TO STUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

• he chuckles bcs he does realise what hes doing to u nd honestly he loves ur reactions so he keeps doing it

• "fufufu.....sorry love, i'll be quiet now. go on, do ur thing." (liar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ur too flirty for a study session!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

• tip : never keep him in the same room as u when u have work to do . keeps flirting . too much distraction .

• ratings : 200/10 . the additional 200 points is bcs hes too cute to say no....... god he rlly has u wrapped around his finger huh

[annetteblog]

Intro & My take on KM

Hi!

I’m new around here so it’s supposed to be (not so short) introduction, since I don’t know how to start a blog heh. I hope to sprinkle my 0.5 cents into the KM conversation and maybe to bring a new perspective from someone, who is not a part of the typical English-speaking West.

Who /the hell/ Am I?  

(please, consider it to be said with NJ’s voice from Intro: Persona :D)

I was born in Siberia (it’s in the Asian part of Russia), currently live in the European part of the country while studying at a Uni (European in terms of geography, not in terms of everything else i’m definitely not shading rn lolllll). English is not my first language, I’ve just kind of learnt it to some extent. Due to this it takes me more time to write a post; and I may (and will) make some grammatical & other mistakes. Plus I’m lazy AND busy with Uni, so I won’t even promise to be consistent in posting smth lol. But I thought I need more practice in terms of writing in English, so here I am, actually scribbling something. This feels weird, because I’ve been around stan Tumblr since 2015, but never ever interacted, just read.

How I ended up around Jikook/Kookmin (and BTS) & My (long&messy) take on this matter

Although I had heard of BTS before, I became an Army only in October 2018. I had kinda avoided them, because you know... boybands.... sing songs about romantic love and how they love girls.......... (+I had been around Twitter when 1D been at their peak and I remember a quite toxic community of fans, whom always had scared me). Shortly, hello stereotypes. Obviously, after I got engaged I felt terribly sorry that I had been sleeping on them, but what is done cannot be undone. 

Someone I knew back then reposted one of their MVs and I, during my sad hours of procrastination, decided to watch it. Then I saw their live performance with the same song. And I thought “wow these guys can sing and dance and the music is kinda cool, i need to check this out maybe??” 

Then a funny thing happened. One of the next videos I watched (the same person had it added to their page) was a 2016 BangtanBomb where JM and JK practiced their Coming of Age dance. 

Do you know this moment with Gina from the 1st episode of Brooklyn 9-9:

Well, that was precisely me after I watched it. I don’t even know how to explain this, it was kind of a gut feeling? Whatever you call it, I started to get suspicious and couldn’t even explain to myself why. /actually now a do have questions to this vid and the main one - why does everyone cringe that much? if it’s a girly choreo than they had done some “girly” moves before. why is there such strong reaction??/

I started to get deeper and went to some ru-shipper communities. Shipping culture among Russian speaking fans is... well, weird to some extent, but I maybe address this topic some time later. You need to consider that (as far as you probably know) Russia is quite homophonic country and sadly is not the greatest place for LGBTQ+ community at the moment. The non-frienly influential attitudes hanging in the society + the general shippers’ weirdness = the result is not that nice honestly. 

I struggled for some time in order to find more mature people (not just in terms of age but in general sanity), failed, ended up with some EXTREMELY toxic ru-fans of TK, which was/is the most popular pairing here, spent among them like 15 minutes and ran away horrified. After that I didn’t even try to engage with shippers or believers or whatever of any pair and just decided to enjoy the music and the content (which is a great idea, highly recommend!)

After a couple of days I discovered that JK makes videos. I love video, films and visual art so I immediately found them on YT, saw the titles with names of different cities from all over the world and was like “Oh that must be so cool, he’s visited so many outstanding places I’ve never been to, so I really need to watch it! I shall enjoy some beautyyy”. Then I clicked on GCFt.

Well, what can I say. I did enjoy some beauty, but not the type I had initially anticipated. The biggest clickbait in my entire life. JK should be proud of himself.

                                       /as I said - the beauty/

I had already known Troy back then and I known the song’s lyrics so it would not be an underestimation to say - the video just blew my mind. I was like - hold on is this real? seriously?? no really really????? he manage to get away with something THAT obvious?????? dude how

As a person who edited videos AND is not a native English speaker, I don’t buy the explanation “oh he mustve didnt get the lyrics lmao”. You just don’t do that. You don’t. DON’T. You google and translate every shit you don’t understand, every word and idiom you’ve never encountered, because otherwise the possibility of an epic failure is very likely. You wouldn’t want to give your mum a video as a birthday present and then discover that you used a song with WAP-ish lyrics, right? (well maybe that would be okay in your family, I don’t judge, but that’s not the case for people I know). So don’t you dare to degrade JK’s intellectual capacities; such assumption is really offensive. He is a smart boii, he knows exactly what he’s doing in terms of his art.

So I was shocked, but decided to look for the context - maybe I missed some previous events regarding this Tokyo thing (another great idea - always check the context). Well, apparently I didn’t, because the whole narrative with the trip for two, lovely selfies etc. made my poor brain lowkey explode. (I still don’t buy the rings theory thing though)

But I didn’t give up lol! I’m a bit stubborn and it’s very hard to convince me in anything, so I decided to search for more context, more of their interactions, moreeee. Remember, the late October 2018, there were no swan lakes, RB, and even MMA18 hadn’t happened yet. 

This time I ended up watching content in more or less consistent way, and when I saw all of these scenes with affectionate JM and a cool badass i-don’t-care-about-anyone-i’m-a-manly-man-with-no-feelings-whatsoever JK, I just hysterically laughed. 

Homophobic Russia, remember? I recognized this. Growing up here being LGBT myself, taught me the same type behaviour during my high school days. When a girl I kinda liked but didn’t what to admit it to myself was nice to me or (oh god) flirted with me, I did something similar. It’s like a huge panic mode. Being an introvert doesn’t help either. The funniest thing is that you may not entirely realise what exactly is going on in terms of your own feelings, especially at that age (16-18ish). In my personal case, I thought I liked her but as a friend, only later to realise that well not as a friend oops :DDD The second thing (already not so funny) is that you actually consciously or unconsciously try to avoid the subject as much as possible, as long as possible and pretend that nothing is going on. We’re just bros. Stop doing this stupid gayish thing and don’t look at me like that, you’re annoying. If you ever do this again I (gently) kick you. I’m straighter than a straight line in my math textbook. IDK, but probably that’s your brain is somehow trying to protect you. Again, in my case&position I knew that the consequences for any non-straight person being outed would be bad (TW not to the point of being killed bad, but to the point of being excluded from a big part of society). So for me it was a mixture of the internalized homophobia + lack of self reflection + just being a bit emotionally slow + very! straight community around. Shit happens, I was a teenager and made my share of mistakes, but that experience helps me to recognize the same pattern of behaviour up to this day.   

So coming back to KM, because the post is already waaay too long and I just ramble. It’s been 2+ years for me being a part of this fandom, and what can I say... Things become more intense and eventful with every year passing by ;) Funny how I felt that vibe from the 2016 dance practice video. Seeing the Black Swan performance a week ago almost had me choked, no joking. They are amazing.

                                                    Pure Art

However, and I would like to emphasize that, I do not incline that KM are 100% romantically involved and/or gay or whatever. I tend to treat people with respect and not to make too much assumptions about their private life. That’s not my business. However, I’m also not a fan of heteronormativity, so I’m just sitting here and observe everything that’s going on putting some distance and not forgetting being generally polite and critical thinking. But if they are just straightest besties please give them an Oscar before Grammy

Anyways, I hope this blog won’t kick the bucket from the very start and I will post something every now and then. You can always ask me questions about some BTS/Jikook related stuff or something about Russia and a Russian view on mass culture topics, since I’m pretty sure some of you have very stereotypical view of what is going on here :) However, do note that I’ve never been to America or Europe, therefore I may not be aware of something verrrry obvious to you or just have a completely different experience. 

P.S.  And yeah, I’m used to say Jikook, since it’s the name which is used much more frequently in Russian.  i like it better and what will u do haha

[loverofallthingssmart]

👀 new wip?? please tell me about it

KSDJHG HI ANON

its not so much a wip as an idea rattling through my brain while trying to read my textbook

because i am well....me i will tell you HOW this wip came to be which is literally i was listening to this playlist titled "desi wlw enemies to lovers vibes we're manifesting for me" and i thought... omg... i should TOTALLY write about that

and so i have literally 0 words and only basic tropes and not even a plot of literally malayali wlw being dumb because god i want rep so bad

ANYWAY actually involving the wip here's what i have so far (ignore the caps, its apparently a new thing i do like only when im in my notes app so like):

tentative names: roopa and ???? (fun story i saw this ask and was like oh shit i have to have at least one name for identification purposes and i LITERALLY thought of roopa but like??? i like it?? a lot so its staying for now <3)

TO BE TITLED

QUEENDOMS

TWO GIRLS IN PALAKKAD (ANCIENT PALAKKAD??? SOME VERY CLEARLY KERALA TYPE VILLAGE???) eesha just say u want malayali wlw rep and leave

CHILDHOOD FRIENDS TO STRANGERS TO ENEMIES TO LOVERS

DUAL POV LIKE DUH… mayhaps in kalyani pov…only cause i love her the most <3 idk

roopa is close to the queen and sees orphan child and befriends her but then one day orphan child is gone (bc she’s sent to other queen but they don’t know that)

NIGHTMARE SCENE (SPECIFICALLY ONE HAS A BAD DREAM AND THE OTHER GOES TO CHECK BUT THEN SHE GETS PINNED DOWN BC THE KNE SLEEPING IS STILL OUT OF IT AND SHE FINALLY WAKES UP AND SEES IT LIKE THE TENSION….IMMACULATE)

OHHHH ESPECIALLY THEYRE LIKE CAMPING OUT UNDER THE STARS OKAY OKAY

BOTH ASSASSINS FOR THE SAME TARGET: A KINGDOM TRYING TO OVERTAKE BOTH QUEENS

FORCED PROXIMITY

PRETEND TO BE LOVERS FOR THE MISSION?

BOTH DONT WANT TO BE IN LOVE BC NO MATTER HOW IRRATIONAL THEY HOLD A TORCH FOR THE GIRL THEY USED TO RUN AROUND WITH

HASHTAG CONFLICT OVER THEIR FEELINGS BETWEEN CHILDHOOD FRIEND AND ENEMY WHEN THEYRE THE SAME FUCKING PERSON!!!!! im going to MILKKKK this so bad ohmygod this is what ml prepared me for

what if…..the queens planned this????……..🥴😏🤯🤫😋🤨

ONE LOVES MANGOES AND ROOPA LOVES ORANGES

jealousy scene where one of them is like hmm it’s a shame we have to kill the king he’s lowkey hot (this is NOT unrealistic bc this is MY thought process) and roopa is like PSSSSHHHHH NO HES NOT HES SOO UNSKILLED IM SURE IM BETTER THAN HIM IN LIKE SOO MANY WAYS (roopas mind: girl wtf why r u acting like a fool)

awkward coming out scene i think…middle of an argument roopa mentions like “go back to ur boy” or smth and this is like the 8263rd time it’s happened so the other snaps and screams “OHMYGOD LITERALLY SHUT UP im into girls” and roopa goes “oh.” and suddenly the one who came out is like out of juice to scream more so she’s like “yeah.” and then then roopa is like um uh “me too” bc she feels bad and it’s just EMBARRASSING that would be everything i think (this is going to be one of my fave scenes i just know it)

BRING KALYANI BACK TO BE BESTIES W ONE OF THEM LIKE THE ONE CLOSE FO THE QUEEN

KALYANI STILL HAS PLANT POWERS?? everyone is bestowed a gift smth like “the queen said everyone has one.” never reveal what hers is until the end?????? idk an idea maybe

THE OTHER GIRL SAYS “SAY IT AGAIN IT SOUNDED GOOD” AFTER ROOPA THREATENS HER LIFE (FIRST MEETING??) i heart flirty brown girls <3

and that’s all i have rn anon!!! hope u liked it bc i haven’t planned this one but i am EXCITEDDD and ty for showing an interest in my wip 🥺 the smile that came on my face when i saw this was WAHH mwah! <3

[phantaloon]

right so, vent below on all for the game aka the book series I finished in three and half days bc my stupid brain would not let me live my life if I didn't finish and I haven't studied for two tests I've got tomorrow but this is somehow more important in my brain (and everyday I'm more convinced about adhd)

first things first... I love neil josten with all my fucking heart and oh jesus christ I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM, he's the typical damaged mysterious character I always love but I can't regret it, like I love every single one of these characters which is a lot to say bc that never happens? (well except maybe aaron, but he has his moments, and I totally get his attitude) BUT NEIL owns my heart, like genuinely, he is my everything now, he might be one of my favorite ever characters?? like I said, I love this type of angsty character, and it's dumb but I love him

also can I say how much I love this bc it literally is one of my favorite tropes? like found family? check. queer? check. mentally and emotionally unstable? check. enemies to friends to lovers? check. abusive pieces if shit getting what they deserve? check. did I mention found family????

like I genuinely love this, and the suspense of wtf will happen next is honestly what's pushed me not to sleep this past few days and push my assignments aside (which is so not me lmao) because I physically need to know what's gonna happen fr

like nora is a very clever writer that way, even though three books cover a year which is odd, she really has a way to captivate the readers, ffs she got me to read a sports novel?? I just love the simplicity and symbolism of her writing

but oc at this point, if you have any semblance of how I am you know exactly what my vibe is... andrew and neil. lowkey toxic relationship at first, andrew was truly a piece of shit as a friend, but am I a sucker for characters finding that person they can call home and feel safe around after not ever having that?? absolutely. (warm is the word I love when describing this, a person that makes you feel warm) the way their relationship was shaped over the three books and how subtle the details are is amazing

and how much of a fucking simp neil is. there you have andrew hiding his sexuality like a pro for a long ass while and then neil just cannot stop staring at andrew like dan howell looks at phil lester. he really did nothing to try to hide his fondness for andrew once they started hooking up even though they pretended it was purely physical. I just love how hard neil fell for andrew in so little time, like he went from yes I think I'm attracted to andrew to loving and looking for andrew like nothing else mattered (big percabeth vibes)

also can't not love andrew's development. like not in the literary character development kind of way, but more of a... personal kind of way, like it's not in a writing sense, it's simply his emotional development in a human sense. idk how to say it. it's not like apollo's in toa or damon salvatore's or tony stark's. it's simply his personal development from being self isolating, possessive, closed off, and just done with everything, with no semblance of a purpose to live, to someone whose doors just opened in every way. he gave in to his own dreams, his feelings, and he understands that he truly is not alone, he has aaron again and kevin and nicky and renee and neil and everyone else. he actually allows himself to be happy and live for once instead of just existing, and maybe he's not there yet, but he's definitely working to get there now, and I love him so much istg I wanna cry rn as I write this

but getting back to neil and andrew, god I love their relationship. they worked through every step of the way, they're so caring and careful of each other's boundaries and triggers and stuff, and they just understand each other so perfectly. not one of them expects of the other more than they can give, and they just work so well. I love that they never told anyone absolutely anything, their relationship is theirs, and theirs only, they don't deny anything, they're not ashamed of being together, but I really love that they chose not to let the others make a big deal out of it.

and I can't ever forget how much andrew must really love neil. we know neil is head over heels for andrew, but technically we don't know how andrew feels. except every single action he does proves it. it's in the details. from the second book and onward, andrew has such a soft spot for neil, even through what happened with drake in TRK, god andrew cares so fucking much for neil it hurts. he may pass it off as 'there's nothing here', but every one of his actions proves otherwise. even right after coming back from rehab, he cared for neil like he cared for no one else, not aaron or kevin. everything that happened was perfectly paced. from their first kiss to their last. just andrew even going against kevin when he was being too aggressive to neil is enough proof, not to talk about andrew letting the deal with Aaron go to be with neil, or everything when neil was kidnapped.

it's just, they both deserve all the happiness in the world, and I'm very fucking happy they found love in each other after all they've been through.

I'm sorry I'm ranting so much, but you can guess how I feel about smth when I've slept so little the past three days bc I was obsessed with finishing it despite having too much to do (I didn't pay attention to a class bc I was reading and it's fair to say I didn't do good in the following quiz), so yeah I have a lot of feels for this series

I just love their little family so much, you don't understand <3 found family is just my favorite ever trope and I have to stop my rant short before I write way too much when I should be studying for my very important tests to come

anyway you can bet I'll keep posting about this lmao <3 truly recommend it but mind the trigger warnings, some content can be a lot for some people, hell I like reading angst and I had to put my phone down a couple of times bc it's a lot, so yeah, ttyl

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 07.11.20 lb

LMAO WTF IS THIS TITLE CARD, MAHA PRATIGYA IT SEEMS

oh boy what's the favour??? knowing this dude, it could be some realllllll freaky shit.

oh thank god. normal cheez. “aaj raat mujhe akela mat chodna.”

also dude, he is sooooooooo manipulating her. he's learnt that isko daraake, dhamkaake, PARALYSE karke, kuchhhhh nahi hone waala. the way to get her is to be vulnerable and play on the emotional side of things. and that's what he's doing.

rrahul's eye makeup >>>>>>>>>> all the female characters' eye makeup.

aaaaaaaand he's out like a light. yeah, crying does that to you. best cure for insomnia. the sleep after weeping your guts out just hits different.

lol it's just hilarious to see him lying there all sprawled out on the floor on this..... random platform. itnaaaaaaaaaa bada ghar hai, and this is where he decides to sleep after a long, tiringass day.

“pehli baar tumne mujhse kuch maanga hai vansh, but i'm sorry main usse poora nahi karr paungi. mujhe aaj raat tumhe chod kar jaana hoga; meri jiss galti ne tumhe itna tod diya hai usse sudhaarne jaa rahi hoon.”

i mean, ok i get it, but at least could have gently led him to the room instead of leaving him here lying on the living room floor. harsh af.

i bet he's not really sleeping and is listening to allllllllll of this confession she's doing. that's the kinda shady shit i always did when i had sleepovers with my older cousins and wanted to listen to all the juicy goss. and vansh deffffff gives me scorpio vibes, lol.

ok one tiny sweet moment.

“kyun maine yeh bewakoofi kii, bappa?”

that's what they should name the show. coz literally what else is the plot other than riddhima fucking up 30 different ways per week?

not listening to her and just admiring her skin. very healthy, much glowy. wow. spill the list of products you use, sis.

wait, is being stupid good for the skin???? is that why everyone on tellywood has good skin and the rest of us have blah skin?

lol this fucking dumbass mask. it’s neither an alien mask, nor the ghostface mask, bas one ajeeb off-brand mashup of both.

jor jor se chilla ke sabko apna fuckup bol rahi hai. ouffffffff, kuchhhhhh bhi baat she can't fucking just keep in her brain or what, without verbalizing??

“koi tha kya???” sis, how long you been living in this house???? ofc koi tha.

walks into kabir's house and narrrrrrrrrrowly misses getting brained. looks like kabir has his mom's poor aim.

did he know she was coming, or did he really do this to himself in frustration? in which case, yikes. both the men in this show really don't know how to deal with setbacks well, huh???

“kahan hai ragini, mujhe usko vansh ko wapas dena hai.” lmaooooooooooo sis, she's a wholeasssssss person, not a copy of the da vinci code you borrowed.

“kho gayi mujhse!” lol what the fuck is wrong with you ppl, she's a living human being, not an object, stop talking about her like this!?!?

lmao this set of caps is just making me giggle a lot.

kabir saying someone else kidnapped ragini and took. i don't believe him. dal is looking quiteeeeeeee kaala to me.

mmmmmmmmm kaali dal. could use some rn. *looking up dhaabas nearby*

“aisa lag raha tha jaise main kisi parchaayi se bhid gaya tha!”

aaaaaand riddhima's dimaag ka ghoda is off to the races, thinking about the shadow following her.

my question is how kabir would know about shadow person????? mommy dumbest toh apne aankhon ke saamne waali cheez bhi nahi dekh paati, let alone something like this, and then informing kabir about it.

kabir like, sure. let's go with that theory.

lmaooooooooo riddhima giving passionate argument about vansh's dard aur taqleef and kabir is like:

snort. seriously, she needs to go a lil light on this. aur kuch nahi toh she should at least think that this is her new man she's talking about to her ex she dumped 2 days ago.

lol what badly done photoshop on chacha/chachi. you couldn't just get the whole cast together to take a legit pic????

also why is everyone so weirdlyyyyyyyyyy distant??? this is suchhhh an odd family photo. only dadi and riddhima look normal in it.

riddhima mentally making a list. crossing dadi and siya off it. BIG MISTAKE SIS. IN THIS SHOW, YOU DON'T LEAVE ANYONE OUT.

ishani and angre are also out. coz they're #teamVansh.

chacha and chachi are out coz they fattus, lol.

bache the two mega bitches of this house: aryan aur mummy.

battle of the two stoopids.

but it does make me lol every time aryan asks riddhima what new kaand she's up to now, and if he can join.

both talking about completely different things and ainvayi mein giving tashan to each other. fuckinggggggg idiotsssss.

lmao wtf, why did they randomly leave a shoe behind?????? so dumb.

ghoom phir ke why does she just keeeeep coming back here and looking for random shit??? the one time what she was actually looking for was here (sejal) she didn't find it.

such a randommmm place to come stash your snooping wardrobe.

ugh riddhima did you seriously leave vansh sleeping god-knows-where (where the fuck is he anyway????????) for this bs????/

these two idiots are back here looking for clues. whatcha wanna bet Mrs. Dumbass dropped one of her 30 million pieces of jewelry here on one of her multiple visits.

why the fuck is he telling angre HOW to look for clues, i thought he said angre had an investigation agency of his own???? does he tell YOU how to do your job of......... idk, how to use tally or peachtree or whatever the fuck?

“hum toh bas clue dhoond rahe the, yahaan toh poora crime scene hi hai!”

lmao cheeeeee who’s writing such shit dialogue???

has anyone who does these computer mockup thingys for tellywood ever used a computer after 2004? like, why do these things look so damn janky?????

lots of faltu ka growling and screaming at angre as if he was the one who corrupted the file. idk why the fuck he puts up with vansh’s shit. i don’t think he’s even paid anymore now that he’s part of the family.

“kuch hi pal ka intezaar hai. uske baad apne maut ki ulti ginti shuru kar dena MR. KIDNAPPER!!!!!!!!”

holy shit the mega bad dialogue and acting. i just cannot.

also hey!!!! it's 2020. THE KIDNAPPER CAN BE A WOMAN, YOU MISOGYNIST FUCK!!!!!!! AND IT IS!!!!!!! stop underestimating your dumbass wife. 

also what happened to i could never kill coz i'm not a criminal/murderer???????!?! kuch bhi, ainvayi. baaton ke ameer, dil ke gareeb, kabhi na jaayein ishwar ke kareeb.

riddhima hamming it up to lure shadow person.

bhaagam bhaag.

lol the wayyyyyyyyyy they got awayyyy. literally just ran under the staircase and the other way.

ok but explain to me how the HELL would there be such geele footprints HERE in the middle, after the person ran like alllllllllll around the house????

heroine running in to save siya......

“thank god siya so rahi hai!” she says, AS IF SHE DIDN'T USE THIS EXACT PILLOW TRICK TO FUCK VANSH OVER 2 NIGHTS AGO. dunggggg for brains, honestly.

yup. finally discovered it.

“chehra dikhao nahi toh chila chila ke sab ko ikkhatta kar doongi!” WHY WOULDN'T YOU DO THAT ANYWAY?????????

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand....

once again, literally no one is surprised. 🙄🙄🙄

[lovedcult]

happy birthday to the bestie @summerlost​​ 💗💭 !!!!!!!!!!!!!  jia. 🙈 what a crazy year it's been. all these memories we've made together. girl you crazy 😫but im not even about to put all that on tumblr 😂. congrats on another trip around the sun, im so proud of you ❤ love u girlie see u at the club LMFAOO😂❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉🎉 

( jk ur real bday message is under the read more ilu HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABEY )

literally me preparing this message just hours before ur birthday but i was determined to have it ready by the time it hit midnight for u so HERE I AM HELLO 🤍 going to try and make this letter heartfelt and cute because we never say things like this to each other but u really have become such an important person in my life in such a short time u just mean very much to me and i really do want you to know just wonderful and special u are to me !! we have only known each other ?? like 5 months ? is that right ? girl idk but within those 5 months we have managed to talk to each other like every single day except maybe 2 days isn’t that so crazy ? so i want to thank u for always keeping me company and crying over txt with me and just being such a warm source of happiness in my life, it really has been so wonderful to get to know you and to be ur friend 🤍 

going to list some things that you’ve done for me that maybe you don’t know you’ve done for me but you deserve to know .. i know i said i was gonna get mushy here but good ness .. anyway it’s so nice to wake up to messages from u everyday and to go to sleep after talking to u all day and knowing that i will have a friend whenever i need it like fr i don’t know how we do it because i am usually so bad at communication rip ..... it has just always felt so easy to talk to you and we clicked right away and there was never a moment of awkwardness like there can be when first meeting someone which thank god .  i’m more comfy with u than i have been with some friends i’ve known for 5+ years and i think that says a lot about our friendship as well as you as a person. we talk literally all the time and it just makes me so happy, i look forward to talking to u every day 💗 whether its about our ships or personal lives or random shite or my godson pumpkin it never matters to me, i am just so happy you are here and that i get to know you

did you know i like never listened to taylor swift before meeting u ? apart from that one time i saw her live in concert when i was like 12 but i don’t even remember that NSNSNSN but i’ll have you know the songs you’ve showed me are special to me now and i enjoy listening to them and she will now forever remind me of u! i have a tendency to try to get into things and like what my friends like so just know whenever you show me stuff i will file it in the heart shaped jia folder in my brain and keep it there forever. literally no matter what it is. tht goes for pacrim too that was so random but i became obsessed with it right after u showed it to me and i’ve actually watched it twice more after we watched it together <3 speaking of, i hope we can have more movie nights together or just cute lil kosmi dates in general because they are so fun and we have a watchlist piling up already so we should crack that open when we can … whenever ur nawt busy being a doctor or whatever

reminds me; do u remember that time i panicked because i ate burnt chicken nuggets and u told me i was gonna get c*ncer ? girl fun times NMDCNBJSAKFJSFJSDV just so you know i WILL be directing any of my future health concerns to u because i might just break otherwise bc i don’t know how to survive and we don’t want that i don’t think so glad i have a smart sexy big brain friend like u in my life

i hope you have a wonderful wonderful wonderful day today which you just might because it’s also txt comeback today ( u fuckin lucky bitch i cant believe they are obsessed with u ) you deserve it so much !! you work so hard all of the time and i know school can be stressful as well as life but i really am so proud of u because u are doing great things and it will all pay off. u are never alone through any of it either so when it gets too hard u will always have me beside u !!! promise !!!! i love u lots !!!!! even tho ur a gemini !!!! but ur my gemini !!!!!!!

also want to mention how just WONDERFUL it has been writing with u omg ??? we have 11 official plots going on rn as well as a bunch of unofficial ones and it has just been the loveliest experience getting to write and ship with u with every single one of them and it’s just been so fun. u are such a talented writer and u put so much effort and thought into all of ur muses which i immensely applaud u for. you should know this already though considering i am vocally in love with all of them ( when jungjae finally d words i will be coming to sweep up sooyeon i really dont care what u have to say its out of ur hands ? let it go ) … jia best rp partner .. i’ve never had a writing partner that gets so involved with our plots the way you do with me and shows the interest that you do and it means so very much to me, i feel very lucky and im forever thankful u messaged me the day u did and introduced urself because i am a scared bitch and probably would have just admired u from afar on the dash instead <3 i hope we can have 327234 more plots and ships in the future because u have managed to make each of them so special. 

i feel like this letter is so all over the place but am i gonna go back in and make it prettier ? naur because im a mess writing it so ur getting the full heidy emotional love spill experience .. this is the first bday im spending with u so i had to write u this & let u know just how much u mean to me . literally thinking abt u all the time and am always hoping u are happy and having good days on the other side of the world <3 ur just that wonderful. thank u for being my friend beyond the rpc and i hope the future can bring us even closer together !!!! i love u so much stinky ( with affection ) stay sexy ......... <33333

us btw

[butterbeeryuta]

idol jaemin and interpreter you

a/n: so i actually did write this buT fucking tumblr,,, all of it got deleted and i dont know how and i’m so mad but,, anyway, there’s no use complaining. A really cute anon requested this and if you are reading this rn, pls do not hesitate to talk to me. Feeling lonely sucks ass and although having alone time is good for some time, it is sucky and not worth feeling when there are other ppl in the world that loves you. so yes, pls do not be afraid to hit me up, and this applied to anyone. i am pretty shitty at answering back in general as i am busy with school and all, but i will always make time for you. 

ok so the first thing that came into my mind is the korean to chinese and vice versa interpreter and jaemin makes her do shit and honestly, bless her soul she’s been doing amazing

jaemin calm tf down 

anyway, let’s pretend that she is you yeah

so it was jaemin, chenle, and renjun playing , and there you were having another day of translating their shit

idk how gaming works nor do i know that they were playing, so this is a challenge for me as well skdjkdsj

so, chenle is screaming

renjun is focused

and jaemin is saying the most absurd shit

‘am i allowed to kill myself in this game?’

‘imagine if this was all real life, we wouldn’t even have to worry about mother nature to torture us since we’d all die’

‘i wonder if jisung will look just as cute if he was an animation’

imagine translating all that, the real mvp is you sis

and your job ain’t easy, your brain works twice as hard and it gets pretty stressful (i did it once for my school for japanese to english, never doing it again...) 

then jaemin with his annoying and iconique line: ‘one, two, three four, fiiIIiiiIiiiIIiiIiiiVeeEEeeE’

you: ‘one two three four five’

jaemin: bish no, fiiiIIiiIiiiIivVvvvve

with whatever remaining cocaine you had this morning, you followed the pink haired bby 

fiiIIiiIiiiiIiVVvvVvveeeEeeeE 

or i guess i should say ooOooOOooooOOOOOOooooO

this made everyone laugh and jaemin immediately apologised

so im guessing he knows he’s pretty annoying lol

but yeah, you buried your face in your hands and thought to yourself, ‘imma have to do this for another 5-9 times’

so yes, you did your job and right after the live ended, jaemin immediately went to you with a few of the things he just won

and you weren’t sure if it meant you hAd to run away you know

is he gonna make you do stuff again? is he gonna scold you for actually listening to him? wHat is happening

sis caLm down no dhjsdhjshs 

‘hey sorry for making you do that, i didn’t think you’d actually do it. here, have some of this too’ he says 

oH?

you were honestly taken by surprise

i mean yes, you were sort of embarrassed, but it wasn’t like you were thinking about it for the entire time

i mean you translated worse crap before, this wasn’t too bad

i think

you thanked him and told him that it was fine, but he was still quite stubborn and sort of shoved the stuff in your hands

well i guess you had something to munch on for tonight

your brain was tired, you just wanted to sleep in your wittle apartment in a big ass hoodie

so just before you were knocked out, why not have a snack

and just like any other cliché ass headcanon, there was a yellow sticky note on the packet

‘i’m really sorry for what happened earlier hhhh, but hey, at least everyone found it cute including me. let’s see what’s gonna happen next time yeah? ;) -nana’ 

and you die 

no im kidding ksdjskjsdkj

well yeah sorta

also can’t believe i actually put the wink thing ew

in conclusion: na jaemin is a flirt, and this makes your job even harder cause maybe you like him, and maybe he likes you

maYBe

sorry that this is not as long as the other headcanon i’ve made, but yes! How’s everyone? I’m honestly quite stressed cause my mock papers start this friday until the 17th, and i am lowkey dying because gOd this is going to be an actual mess. i’m not prepared for maths at all, and i can’t wait to evaporate into thin air for knott knowing anything. I’ve also been thinking about this for quite a while now but, I think i’ll stop ‘history is a bench.’ the reason i’m saying this is because i sorta dont have the motivation to write it? social media aus are fun to make, but idk, i’ve been preferring to write headcanons and one shots more so yeah, i’m really sorry to disappoint everyone for that. 

[q-u-a-c-k]

rant that you can just skip over 😂 it's just detailed intrusive thoughts. and I'm continuing to rant about literally everything that goes through my brain so I am here writing this and not acting on thoughts or being stupid.

okay so this is a note from after I have written all that. and basically it's complaining and ranting about everything and hyperfixating on space and science in the end. in the middle I talk about my fears of love 😂 potentially triggering stuff? it's all nonsense you really dont have to read it. it was just to keep myself from doing something I shouldn't. so if you could be triggered by literally anything maybe dont? idk. I cant stop you but it's probably annoying and not interesting. if anyone does read it though let me know if I need to tag it anything.

So my brain has now decided that because there is no way I am sleeping tonight unless it's exhaustion, I get intrusive thoughts. fun! so rn it has been fixated on the fact that because I am closest to the outside. not hall door. that I could easily sneak out. which is very much not good idea, because 1) I dont live in this area, 2) it's still cold as fuck outside at night, 3) I would literally fucking get lost or caught immediately. So yeah :) I dont even know what I would do if I did go and I don't want to because I have an idea of what brain would say and that's a big no. it's especially big no because I'm too comfortable with the idea of it but I'm not allowed to. and I guess now it's kinda good because brain is thinking about how I miss my cat. I just wanna see my baby and be in my safe place with the people I'm actually comfortable with (cat and phone with online friends) like guys he's so fuckung adorable and what if he doesnt know why I'm not there right now. usually he sleeps in my room at night. so what if he's in my room waiting for me and I cant go see him. you're damn right that I'm crying about this. i just want my baby because he is my baby and an indicator of a safe place.

also I am so incredibly fucking uncomfortable. like I cannot sleep because 1) in a place I do not know 2) there are people (family) in the room that I am not comfortable letting my guard down around 3) there's so much noise from snoring (and from one sleep talking) 4) I am on the couch because when we go places I'm always the one who has to and it's a shitty pull out bed couch. it makes way too much noise that I have been in an uncomfortable position for over 3 hours because I dint want to disturb anyone else. and I can very easily feel like of the metal bars under the middle of my back 5) I am very cold. I forgot a blanket and I didnt get one because the room only gave us one extra one (I dont think we're supposed to have an extra person) ad my sister got it even though I'm the one by the outsid,door, window, and air conditioner which wont turn off. I at least have my flannel though to cover my legs 6) my head hurts so bad because it's the kind of headache that hurts to have eyes open, breath, or move around in general 7) my stomach hurts so bad because I had to eat because apparently people get hungry and are supposed to eat along with anxiety from literally all of this 8) I have not gotten to be alone for more than 10 minutes since the middle of Wednesday whereas usually I spend almsot all of my time alone (with cat and phone with online friends) in my safe place. 9) I have not stopped crying (not really like crying crying but like there has been tears or water from my eyes because for some reason they burn and some because of anxiety or missing cat. 10) I keep thinking that at any moment I close my eyes someone is going to break into the room or one of my family members are gonna do something (I literally dont know what, that's intrusive thoughts talking but I have previously freaked out because I thought they were gonna aliven't me for no reason) 11) When I'm somewhere I'm not used to I get really bad muscle cramps in my arms and legs and I am not having fun with that.

sorry that was a shit ton of complaining that nobody should have read or give a shit about. so sorry if anyone actually read that?

also Allison, if you actually do read this (istg you really dont have to. like I said this is just my train of thoughts written to prevent me from doing anything. I am not watching wandavision until later today 😂 and I am staying off the discord server I joined becuas of potential spoilers.

anyways continuation of rants and complaints. I really want to put the phone down and attempt to sleep even though I know I'm not gonna be able to and for that reason I have to write here because I do not trust myself with my brain being like this rn. but I wanna put phone down so bad because my eyes hurt and my head hurts from having eyes open.

and I really wanna just get my earbuds out and have controlled noise and potentially fall asleep but that would take noise louder than them to drown them out but any noise already is hurting my head and earbuds sound really uncomfortable right now.

also I'm starting to get really cold again because the flannel was working for a little but I think that was because I had to move a little bit to get it out and on my legs and I haven't been moving.

also my sister (sleep.talker) has been just making noises and mumbling all night except just now she went "eww" and rolled over and continued snoring and sleeping. so that's fun. totally didnt scare me.

oh my God it's fuckung almost 3:30 I just wanna sleep. at this rate I dont care in what way it happens, but I want sleep in the next 10 minutes so I cannot be aware of how uncomfortable or in pain I am.

my back (which usually already has back pain) connot stand to lay on the bar in this position anymore so I have to move but it's so loud and I dont wanna wake anyone up or move into a worse position but feel bad for moving.

I have now moved and I dont THINK I woken anyone up. back is better but head hurts so much more now because of movement and I am now laying on my knee which I have a lot of problems with and am not having a fun time.

idk what to talk about. I want sleep or to at least put phone down but like I said multiple times I do not trust my brain rn so I have to keep writing stuff. and I dont want to just keep complaining but idk what to talk about and complaining is easiest rn because I was out in an uncomfortable situation by coming with them and I didnt want to in the first place but would not be able to stay home.

I am now gonna talk about sleep and my thoughts about it. I like being asleep but I also dont. I like being not awake but most of the time do not like the dreams I have. but sleep itself is such an interesting concept. like the body forces itself to shut down and put you unconscious to like rest itself or repair before continuing to function. and it's like (supposed to be) on a specific or close to schedule. like youre supoosed to have a schedule for when you're unconscious. and this is completely normal. a part of our society is actually shaped around this too? like at certain times around the world it gets all dark and the world goes quiet for a while. idk I just think it's really interesting. maybe it's not idk lmao.

and now brain wants to talk about how and why I am afraid to love. :). brain is afraid to love because that means I have to be vulnerable to someone and that's just so terrifying to do, especially being someone who is different than a lot of the heteronormative society. like I absolutely love my friends. and once I'm comfortable around them, I'm gonna tell them that I love them as much as I can (but also dont want to make them uncomfortable). because if I finally feel comfortable enough around you to be vulnerable and accept that I love you despite brain's overwhelming urge to say I don't and be invulnerable and safe, I'm gonna tell you that as much as I can that I love you. because it literally happens so little in my life that I actually really trust someone. so if I tell you I love you I mean it (and it tells you I trust you). like seriously, I barely even say it to my mom because I'm so on guard and trying to watch my back around her. and I dont think I say it to the rest of my family. unless it's my grandparents I'm gonna tell them that because I think I do just in a different way of your my grandparent and you're family. and I occasionally say it to my irl best friend because there's still a lot I'm on guard about because I haven't told her a lot of things so we're not as close as you'd think. but if you're reading this I have probably told you i love you. and i know Allison i tell you as much as i can because I think yyou'rethe absolute top person that I trust and love, so i try to tell you a lot. because I love you!! you're like my entire found family 😂

but now we're gonna talk about reasons why I'm terrified to be in love romantically. Because I dont think i have actually liked someone romantically or really ever be romantically interested in anyone. I have thought about it because I felt like I had to tell myself I was ( I was not). like i thought I had a crush on someone once but I think it was because I was unable to be their friend at the time that I wanted to be their friend even more. and because I never really got to pick my friends I didnt know what it was like to actually want to be friends with someone. but thinking about someone romantically I just cant really do. because I don't want to get into a romantic relationship if I don't know if I'm gonna like them romantically at all. do people like people romantically when they first go out with someone? or do they just say I kinda like this person let's try it out? because that just doesnt make sense to me and idk. and it could very well be that I'm just to young to know yet. because I still dont even know what I would want from a romantic relationship. like... Idk what there is for me to want or what's different to loving your friends besides calling them something else? and the whole having to trust that this person likes you in a specific way that you might like them before you take it far enough and get hurt because they just don't feel the same? or you're the one that's not really sure and potentially hurt someone else? I know people say it's just a risk you're gonna have to take but I dont want to take a risk like that. I dont mind being hurt from it myself but in terrified at the thought that I could potentially hurt someone because I just dint feel a certain way. and I still dont know what the difference is between friend love or romantic love to be able to judge or risk that? like seriously what is different? because I mean, maybe affection like have someone to hug or cuddle? but you could do that with friends and it should be a normal thing to have with your friends. but ig this still is a fucked up society that thinks everything has to be more than what it really is. and it just leaves people touch starved because of it. idk. maybe one day I'll figure it out, but how it's just Greek and foreign to me. idfk.

well that was fun. now it's 4 and I need something else to talk about because even if I do potentially fall alseep soon, I do not want those to be my last thoughts and possibly have dream about it (dreams for me are typically not good).

I think I see the moon. it's either a moon or a parking lot light. and I know the moon is either full or very close to full (I'm pretty sure it's just very. close) but I wish all of those lights outside were off and possibly have a new moon so I could see the stars. I love the stars so much. i love the moon, too, but right now it's very bright. but I wish I was more into astronomy and knew more about it. because that's also something that's very interesting to me is space and the stars. I wanna be someone who knows about all of the constellations. but I have a horrible memory and absolutely would not be able to remember 88 different stories. although I'd want to. even though most of them or a bunch are just Zeus being a dick. but more to the science side of the stars is so interesting to me that they're soooooo far away. like they're literally incomprehensibly far away. like I cannot comprehend how big a football field is without see one, I'm agine being able to comprehend the distance of light years? like I know we know how far it is but I'm pretty sure human minds cannot comprehend how far that ACTUALLY is. even if we know it's a LOT. and isnt it cool how we're able to know there are other planets outside of the solar system? I believe it's 4 different planets that we know of that are MORE inhabitable than earth. like better to live on. and they have either older or stronger stars that wouldn't die out as fast as our sun. although there comes the debate of if we should be able to go to them. it's a very debatable question, but I think overall the answer would be no. because humans have fucked up an entire planet, why should we be allowed to do it to another? like it realize it's literally a percent of humans that fucked it up for the rest of the planet, but humans have an inner need to have power over everyone else and other things and would stop at nothing to get what they want. humans could so easily become corrupt and destroy other planets too. it's kind of a fucked up thing to say, but I feel like maybe humans should die out with our planet. like of course it's not fair to the ones who haven't had the chance to live a life yet. but it was never fair to the other creatures humans killed for their own needs. like we have caused extinction several times. karma will get you back in the end ig. and it would be cool to know but obviously we wouldnt be able to know, if a species even smarter than humans evolved and kept the peace on earth, even as the ruling species? ruling sounds wrong but idk what else to call it. whatever we are above everything else is what they would be. but it would be so amazing to know what smarter beings are alive or could eventually live. like that's so fucking cool.

anyways I should probably try to sleep or put phone down because now brian doesnt have time to let me do anything I shouldnt. it's 4:30 😂 someone is probably gonna wake up soon because idk.